Chris & Stavvy Save Christmas! | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

2 Bears, 1 Cave: "Chris & Stavvy Save Christmas!"

Hosts: Bert Kreischer & Chris D’Elia (subbing for Tom Segura & Bert, as a holiday special)
Date: December 22, 2025
Producer: YMH Studios

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Main Theme / Episode Overview

This special holiday episode features comedians Bert Kreischer and Chris D’Elia—substituting for the regular hosts—to bring a raucous, irreverent, and heartfelt take on their holiday traditions, multicultural family dynamics, generational quirks, and holiday gifting anxiety. The episode weaves in roast-style banter, big family stories, and the comics’ characteristic blend of reflection and absurdity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening: Holiday Substitution & Comedic Roasting

• Bert & Chris open as themselves, riffing about being the 'gift' to fans by temporarily replacing Tom and Bert over the holidays.

  • Jokes about contractual obligations: Bert being “shirtless” and Chris reminding the audience "they’re poor."

  • They roast Tom and Bert, joking about potential legal retaliation.

  • Wild analogy about Tom “Oldboy-ing” Chris for talking trash, lampooning how comics can take a joke too far ([01:15–02:26]).

  • Notable Quote:

    • “Tom would Oldboy you… He would fake your daughter's death in a car accident, then raise her in captivity, you know, make her teach her about the Mets…”
      — Bert Kreischer (01:22)

2. Holiday Traditions, Family, and Food

• Chris and Bert swap family holiday plans and reflect on multicultural celebrations:
  • Chris has a new nephew, describes a “fat little blue-eyed baby” ([03:45–04:40]).
  • Discussion about the merits of “Jewish Christmas” (Chinese food, movies) on the East Coast, and how it’s embraced by non-Jews as well.
    • Notable Quote:
      • “Chinese food and the movies is an insane Christmas. It’s so much better… Thanksgiving and Christmas, essentially the same meal.”
        — Bert Kreischer (04:56)
  • The psychological toll of the “week between Christmas and New Year’s,” eating habits, and struggling with holiday goals ([05:03–06:04]).
  • Praise for East Coast Jewish culture and the blending of traditions ([06:29–07:06]).

3. Cultural Heritage & Family Backstories

• Chris goes deep on his ancestry, discovering he’s mostly German and reflecting on family stories about WWII and beyond:
  • Jokes about Nazi rallies and family German roots, blending irreverent humor with historical reality ([07:38–08:43]).
  • Bert reveals stories of his own family’s immigration, escaping Nazis, and the complexity of national identity.
    • Notable Quote:
      • “The irony… whatever culture you are that you’re defending tooth and nail, most likely a thousand years ago, that culture was just rolled into your great-great-great-grandfather by the people you now say you hate…”
        — Chris D’Elia (26:24)

4. Political Arguments, Generational Views, and Family Dinners

• Chris describes Christmas with his heavily mixed and politically divided family:
  • Puerto Rican coquito triggers heated political debates, including divisive positions among Latinos on immigration ([17:27–17:58]).
  • Bert shares how even first-generation Greeks in Baltimore sometimes forget their own immigrant roots when arguing against immigration ([19:18–20:28]).
    • Notable Quote:
      • “An immigrant that does not fluently speak the language will say, ‘We need to get Mexicans out of here.’”
        — Bert Kreischer (20:02)
• Reflections on family members’ social evolution, including Bert’s father becoming more open-minded about gay marriage after a single conversation ([21:14–22:28]).

5. Race, Genetics, and the Fallacy of "Purity"

• Playful banter about race science, the fallacy of purity, and “beige supremacy” as the ultimate genetic health.
  • Notable Quote:
    • "Scientifically, the more diversity you have in your genes, the better you are... If anyone's a supremacist, they should be a beige supremacist."
      — Bert Kreischer (23:08–23:44)

6. Food as Identity: Italian, Greek, and Chinese Cuisine

• They lampoon the myth of Italian-American food heritage:
  • The origins of “real” Italian vs. Italian-American food, the invention of Alfredo sauce, and how Americanized foods diverge from tradition ([27:27–28:40]).
  • Bert’s weight-loss journey tied to shifting food habits ([29:01–30:00]).

7. Gift-Giving, Parenting, and Holiday Memories

• Chris and Bert dissect the chaos of buying gifts for family—especially as adults, and the move to “experience” gifts:
  • Chris now prefers to give his family Broadway tickets and experiences over physical gifts ([43:06–43:34]).
  • Exchange about striking the balance between honoring commitments made to kids and dealing with spousal discipline ([47:51–48:58]).
    • Quote:
      • “Now, last week, because she didn’t get the UGG slippers on her feet, she protested and did not go to gymnastics. She held out… I respect her for that.”
        — Chris D’Elia (48:48)

8. What Makes a Memorable Christmas Gift?

• Chris reflects that despite plenty of childhood presents, few stand out, and the best memories come from meaningful activities—like his family making Sicilian pasta together ([35:38–36:18]).
• Bert reminisces about hilariously off-brand gifts from his father, like fake watches and allegedly autographed basketballs ([44:18–46:21]).

9. Societal Observations, Moving, and the Authenticity of 'NYC vs. Texas'

• Rant on people moving from NYC/LA to Austin and seeking out the most liberal enclaves, instead of embracing actual conservative Texas experiences ([62:05–63:14]).
  • “Go live in Florida. Even here [Austin]… it used to be the wokest, most bullshit town… you happened to come to the most liberal part [of Texas].”
    — Bert Kreischer (62:41)

10. Chinese Food Deep Dive & Cultural Blindspots

• Bert details his ideal “Jewish Christmas” order at a Chinese restaurant—Szechuan chicken wings, dumplings, General Tso’s, lo mein, eggplant, Chinese broccoli, etc. ([53:36–55:33]).
• Chris admits he’s had Chinese food fewer than 10 times in his life because his grandfather, a WWII and Korean War vet, kept “Asian food off the table” ([56:44–57:01]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Chinese food and the movies is an insane Christmas. It’s so much better… Thanksgiving and Christmas, essentially the same meal.”
  — Bert Kreischer ([04:56])

• "Scientifically, the more diversity you have in your genes, the better you are... If anyone's a supremacist, they should be a beige supremacist."
  — Bert Kreischer ([23:08])

• "The irony…whatever culture you are that you’re defending tooth and nail, most likely a thousand years ago, that culture…was just rolled into your great, great, great, great-grandfather by the people you now say you hate…"
  — Chris D’Elia ([26:24])

• “Tom would Oldboy you…He would fake your daughter's death in a car accident, then raise her in captivity, you know, make her teach her about the Mets…”
  — Bert Kreischer ([01:22])

• “An immigrant that does not fluently speak the language will say, ‘We need to get Mexicans out of here.’”
  — Bert Kreischer ([20:02])

• “Now, last week, because she didn’t get the UGG slippers on her feet, she protested and did not go to gymnastics. She held out… I respect her for that.”
  — Chris D’Elia ([48:48])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Topic / Segment | |---------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:05–02:26 | Opening banter, contracts, "Oldboy" joke, roasting Tom and Bert | | 03:45–06:04 | Holiday plans, Christmas food, Jewish Christmas traditions | | 07:38–09:35 | Family heritage, WWII jokes, generational trauma | | 17:01–22:28 | Family political debates, Puerto Rican/Greek/immigrant perspective | | 23:08–23:44 | Genetics, “beige supremacy” | | 27:27–30:00 | Food culture, Italian-American myth, weight loss | | 35:38–36:18 | Best childhood gifts are family experiences, not stuff | | 43:06–43:34 | “Experience” gifts for family | | 47:51–48:58 | Parenting, keeping promises vs. discipline | | 53:36–55:33 | Ideal Chinese food order for “Jewish Christmas” | | 56:44–57:01 | Chris admits near-total lack of experience with Chinese food | | 62:05–63:14 | Observations on people moving to Austin, “NYC vs. Texas” authenticity |

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Episode Flow & Tone

• Consistently irreverent, packed with inside jokes and dark humor.
• Open and honest about family dysfunction and generational change.
• Deep dive into ethnicity and identity, always with comedic spin.
• Playful, exaggerated takes on politics, race, food, and gift-giving.
• Will swing rapidly from absurdist bits (e.g., "Oldboy" scenario) to genuine reflection (gifts, family connection).

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Conclusion

This fun, rapid-fire holiday episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave features Bert and Chris spinning wild tales and biting satire on family, food, and tradition as only two seasoned comics can. Despite the subversive tone, there are moments of sincere reflection and universally relatable observations—making it a perfect podcast companion for anyone facing the delightful chaos of the holiday season.

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Merry Christmas from the Bear Cave!

Transcript

[Ad Man]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Two Bears. Miss Everyone. Merry, merry Winter Bears Miss. The best. The greatest holiday in podcasting. Merry substitute Two Bears. One caves. Miss Everyone.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. Your Christmas gift from YMH this year is you have yet another week that you don't have to listen to Tom and Bert. That's what we've wrapped up.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I am did. Contractually, I did have to be shirtless one episode.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is the. And we. We figured, why. What more festive occasion than Two Bears Miss.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Yeah. Contractually, you had to go shirtless, and I had to remind the audience that they're poor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, well, you had to strangle a Guatemalan outside. You had to strangle a. A gardener to get in the. To get in Tom's brain. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, I can't wait. Like, we're having a good time, me and you. Like, we're joking around. We're being silly. I can't wait to eventually get, like, a legal notice from Bert Kreischer's team that, like, what we've said about him is not okay. I feel like Tom doesn't care, but Bert will kill us for this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom would do it. Tom would secretly have it done.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom would just. Over the course of our lives, sort of like, he would kind of make us see Old boy.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where they spoiler forever. Haven't seen old boy. It's a classic. He an enemy. Makes one of his former enemies fall in love and fuck his own daughter. I feel like Tom would do that to you. He would old boy you with one of your. With your young. What would happen is he would fake your daughter's death in a car accident.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then he would raise her.

[Sponsor Voice]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. He would raise her in captivity, you know, make her teach her about the Mets, teach about stuff that you would be into. Then he would, like, you would have a traumatic brain injury.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. He would. He would make. Then he would put you. His two car accidents were up to. He would make you have a traumatic car. Traumatic brain injury.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jasmine would move on. Everyone's forgotten you. Then in rehab, there's this. There's this half Italian, half Latina nurse who just really takes care of you. You guys, there's something special about your connection. You can't just put your finger on it. He would make you fall in love with your daughter, and then only after you've consummated it would he reveal. That's for talking shit on Don fucking Two Bears.

[Ad Man]

That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's for saying that's for saying we fucking phone in the podcast. I think that's what's gonna happen.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, well, and that'll be like, like you said, take years and just take years where Bob Kreischer will just come and hit us with a bat as we're walking into a funny bone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he would cry and apologize and tell us how much he loves us afterwards. And you know what? It would be forgiven.

[Chris D'Elia]

It would be forgiven. Yeah, yeah. I would know that it's him. And when the, you know, as I'm losing consciousness, I just see jeans and flip flops and someone laughing at the top of his lungs when you just. And my last words wouldn't be like bird. It's not that funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. Well, listen, I, I empathize. I am. People often accuse me of faking my laugh.

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I really just having a good time.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just love laughter.

[Chris D'Elia]

I believe that. And that's. And honestly, I'm envious of that because I don't laugh as much as you and Bert do. And what, you guys are getting it out. You're getting it off your chest now you and Bert need to get it off your chest because you'll have a heart attack.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. So that maybe that high pitched dolphin thing is just like. It's something escaping his aorta. Maybe it's like maybe, maybe that's the sound air makes when it comes out of the four blocked arteries.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah. Now what? Now their Christmas. We've of course, you know, in continuing with the theme of they don't care about the show, we've asked them to send in what they're doing for Christmas. We've gotten no response.

[Bert Kreischer]

Response.

[Chris D'Elia]

So that's just the way it goes. So what are you doing for Christmas?

[Bert Kreischer]

What am I doing for Christmas? I. Well, yeah, let's. Well, this year I, you know, Baltimore Christmas. My brother had a kid shout out. I have a fat little nephew. He's so cute. He honestly looks. He looks like a. Because my, my brother is more blonde. He takes after my brother. My brother's blonde. He had blue. He had very blonde hair when he was a kid. It's gotten kind of browner. Yes, but the baby is just like a fat little blue eye. Looks like a little Chrissy gringo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

You better hope that your sister in law isn't on the Patreon. Imagine you find out she's a hyenas fan and then we had sex out of Revolutionary War reenactment.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not her type. No, no. Doesn't know. Yeah. Not. Not interested, unfortunately. All right. I'm sure there's others. I'm sure you've cooked other podcasters. Family.

[Chris D'Elia]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Chrissy Cox.

[Bert Kreischer]

We have. We have a fat. We have a fat little baby in the family.

[Chris D'Elia]

Beautiful.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I got to go see him. In the past. In the past, I was like, my family can suck my dick. Sure. To just hang out something. There's something nice about a holiday. I love the classic the Jews. I tip my cap to them because Chinese food and the movies.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is an insane Christmas. It's so much better because, look, Thanksgiving and Christmas, essentially the same meal.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's a good point.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what I mean? And so I like to get my eating done on Thanksgiving. I like to feel like a real piece of shit. It's contained. It's in four days. Right. That week between Christmas and New Year's. It can get real dark. Oh, yeah. It can get real. It can get. It's like a fat heroin den in there for me.

[Chris D'Elia]

Just all the sodium, the bloatedness. You kind of. The realization of, oh, I didn't hit any of my goals from the year before.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no goals.

[Chris D'Elia]

Zero.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to. You're trying to come up with your New Year's resolution. You're like, everything has been a wash.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also, you just. You eat through your leftovers. Like, you. The thing. You don't. I don't usually get through all the Thanksgiving leftovers because family splits it up. Christmas, there's you. You eat through everything. And in fact, you then re up more new. More new candy, more new desserts. I've gotten. And I've. I've bought. I bought more pies after I'm done. The leftover pies, because you're just like, I'm not going to get my life together on December 28th.

[Chris D'Elia]

No way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's keep this rolling a little.

[Chris D'Elia]

100%. That's a no.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I like to make it. I like to go out somewhere. You can't, you know, have some Chinese food. You'll have a little lo mein the next day. But it's not like I have a whole roast that I'm eating for fucking 10 days. And I'll just go watch Avatar. I'll do mushrooms, Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

So you do a Jewish Christmas is what you like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like to supplement. For years, I was doing a Jewish Christmas when I was just by myself in New York, and also feels like in New York, it's Almost like, when in Rome.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

When in New York, fucking have mushu and go see fudgeing. You know, go to AMC. AMC 12 in the village or whatever. Right? Yeah. You feel. I feel very connected to the culturally east coast, cultural Judaism. I love. Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. I like an East Coast Jew.

[Bert Kreischer]

Absolutely.

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't know ecj.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know much about desert Jews. There's a lot of Arizona. There's a lot of L. A, I guess, is kind of spiritually connected to New York. But I love the East Coast. I grew up in Baltimore. We had a huge.

[Chris D'Elia]

I like an Ari Shafir Jill.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I mean, I guess he's the exception that proves the rule, actually. Yes, he is annoying, but, yes, I do like him.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right. But he.

[Bert Kreischer]

He came from, like, the real shit, though. He was like. Ari was like. Because he grew up in Silver Spring in, like. I think he's like, if not Hasidic, very close.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right? He's got the Hasidic face.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I initially, like, when I first met him, like, obviously, he's a great friend of us, but initially, like, my. You know, my German, you know, when you see a face like that, like, you get up, like. Like, I was on my hind legs like that because you're not sure what to do. And then you realize, like, dude, that. You know, that that's just old wiring in your DNA. You're not that. You know, I'm not that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right.

[Chris D'Elia]

But I remember going up on, like, legs like a German shepherd, like, when I first saw Ari.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think the German part of your family attended the Nazi rally at MSG in the 30s?

[Chris D'Elia]

Not only do. Not only. Not only do I think the bakery that is in Ridgewood.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. Catered it. Catered it. I remember this. But do you think any of your specific relatives were there?

[Chris D'Elia]

So here's the thing I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna look you in the eye and genuinely tell you that the answer is no, from what I've been told through family stories. But what I feel in my heart is 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course, my grandfather, he couldn't get in. He's trying to scalp tickets. He was like, yeah, he got a fake ticket to see Nazis speak.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's really fucking funny, I think, because.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know what it is? You know what it is?

[Bert Kreischer]

Waiting for Hitler to come to the tour bus to get an autograph.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, when I was growing up, I did hear a lot about, obviously, you know, the atrocities of World War II and all that, but it never was. I also learned a lot. Like, I was the kid at 11 years old, I was learning about Germany in the 1950s, about how when the Nazi soldiers came home, how poorly they were treated and how upsetting that was too. So I.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got both sides? Yes, I got Nazi sides.

[Chris D'Elia]

So I learned about that in like the 1990s.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's not really as much of a tragedy as how. How we treated the Viet, you know, our Vietnam GIs.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think some of the. Unfortunately.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know some of those guys.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, I had a couple of those in my family too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Vietnam vets, ex Korean War vets and an uncle, Korean War vet. Just absolutely, you know, go on drugs. Just get a little aggressive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

But, you know, it was cool. He actually held his. He would show us his uniform when we were kids and had all these holes in it because he said he got into hand to hand combat with the Korean guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

And it was like. That's what he says. It was like knife combat. And he tells. He told us he killed a Korean with his bare hands, which is like what we would go to bed at. He would like pet our heads.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Good night.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't know if it's true or not, but I remember being vividly told.

[Bert Kreischer]

He hired a prostitute to fucking burn him with candle wax. Those are. Those holes are all there. She was trying to drip it on his nuts and she got it on his fucking. She got hot oil on his fucking uniform and he just cut it out, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

I remember one time sleeping at my uncle's house. Me and his daughters, my cousins, and we were like 10 or 11 years old. And the night consisted of like, you know, we had some pizza.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Chris D'Elia]

You know, Staten island pizza. You know how it is. Nino's on Highland Boulevard. Like, it's just.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's Cousin sleepover.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes, yes. So we. He put us to bed at about like 8 o', clock, 8:30 to the movie Robocop. Wearing that, like, those scenes were like, he's just getting shot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So RoboCop. I love that movie, but it's a.

[Chris D'Elia]

Me too. But like, you know, my mother would never let me watch that stuff. So it's like we're watching Robocop and then he proceeds to tell us while he's watching it, like some scene in that movie as I was dozing off reminded him of the time he killed a Korean in the Korean War. And then I just fell asleep to that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's fucking wild.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's a vivid memory of My childhood.

[Bert Kreischer]

What was he like on the holidays?

[Chris D'Elia]

So my family. So the way it works with me is for Christmas, I go to my aunt's house. The same aunt. It's like tradition, because I keep. Every year, I tell my mom, ma, I'm a grown man now. I need to start my own traditions. And I want my tradition to be every Christmas, or at least one every other Christmas, I take my family to Germany. I want to see. I want to see what a German Christmas market looks like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Chris D'Elia]

I swear to God, dude, you want.

[Bert Kreischer]

To go to Germany?

[Chris D'Elia]

I want to take my Puerto Rican family to Germany for Christmas.

[Bert Kreischer]

First of all, this is what's going on with your rebranding, because I feel like for the first part of your life, you were a crypto crowd. You never admitted to being German. You. You were kind of doing the De Niro thing where it's like, you're really a. You know, a quarter Italian, if you're really talking about it. But the name, like, does so much heavy lifting.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like it's a. It's an interesting time to be really doubling down on German heritage.

[Chris D'Elia]

Chris. Well, I know Two things happened. Ancestry.com, okay, told me that I was, in fact, 98 to 99% Germanic.

[Bert Kreischer]

98.

[Chris D'Elia]

So I'm talking about.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it's not even a quarter anymore.

[Chris D'Elia]

The Italian is almost nonexistent to the point where I'm like, was I adopted? Or like, dad? Are you lying? Because, you know, and then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that's the thing. It's not a your dad got cucked situation because you look exactly like your father.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. He's clearly your dad in the face.

[Chris D'Elia]

But then my father told me, well, you know, come to think of it, like, his biological father, last name Destefano. So there was Italian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe your grandpa got cucked.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, he was half. His father was half German and half Italian, and his mother was fully 100% German. And then my mother and my mother's biological mother and father were both 100% German. So that's. So I.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you don't think grandpa Di Stefano, maybe. Maybe he was a cuck and a big German bull came in. That's possible, though maybe that maybe he heard about how mistreated ex Nazis were.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like, you know what? To make amends, why don't we go over to Germany, and you guys can put on your uniforms and fuck my wife.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Run a train on my. Run a train on your grandmother.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And maybe that's how your Father was born. Maybe your father was reparations for Nazi soldiers.

[Chris D'Elia]

See, this is the sitcom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Chris D'Elia]

This is how I finally get on the air. 10 pilots failed. All I needed was Stavi to come in here and tell me, dude, don't make up your dad being in the mafia and your Puerto Rican family. Don't lean into that. No, no, lean into the other stuff. The other stuff tucked out by a German Nazi and this is how you ended up here. That's it. Yeah. And then so I saw that writing, I saw the writing on the wall too, of comedy really embracing the alt right? And I said, I'm getting on that train. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the furor of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's true. You could listen, shit starts going bad, you could 100% just become the best Nazi comedian.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, that's what I like about where I'm sitting, right. You know, where I'm at is I could easily go into the alt, right, you know, I got the German heritage, got the, you know, hair. I have some of the bits out there. But then if that doesn't look promising, go easily. Lean into the Latinos, you know, left wing diversity.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want to Gary Owen of Latinos.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes, yes. I'm for everybody. I'm for the table. Oh yeah, dude, I. Dude, you should.

[Bert Kreischer]

Start talking with the like, put on Latino actors accent. Yeah, you should start fucking doing salsa at your shows.

[Chris D'Elia]

100.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, maybe. That's interesting.

[Ad Man]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Cause I'm thinking, you know, because it is. I do have. Both sides of my family do have obviously wildly different political views. So when it comes in for Christmas time. It used to be a rule when my grandfather was still alive that there were no politics talking. But now he's passed away and now it's doesn't even seem like it's a rule anymore. It's actually like the only way to get into my Christmas dinner is if you start talking about politics. That's how it's come.

[Ad Man]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And it. And, and they get bad, you know, because my Latino side, you know, they start drinking coquito. I don't know if you know what coquito is like the Puerto Rican eggnog. And then, you know, you get lit off that and they're like milkshakes. And it's so good. And then pe. And then little things start to come up. You know, somebody brings up, you know, I'm sure this year in New York City, someone will bring up the mayor, someone will bring up mom, Donnie and Ice. It's going to start popping up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your fucking dumbass family's probably halfway pro. Ice. Oh, yeah, that's so funny.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, because they'll be like, well, we're Puerto Rican. Like, I'm a citizen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, the, the Latinos that are pro. I.

[Chris D'Elia]

Some Latinos like get. Get these Venezuelans out of here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, dude. I went back to. To Greek town and I was hanging out with my dad and he literally all. All these guys do is hang out this coffee shop. Sure. And it's just a bunch of old Greek guys and it's like they all speak Greek. It's like, shout out to Karela's Cafe. Actually some great Greek food.

[Chris D'Elia]

Shout it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Probably my favorite. My favorite used to be Ikaros, which closed down. Samos is also very good. Zorba is very good. I don't want to, you know, I don't want anybody to get mad at me. But Carlas was literally just this guy. My dad's toothless friend who used to drive a produce truck just decided to start his own coffee shop.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he just started cooking for his. Like, my dad just hangs out there. He's like, yeah, hey, I'm hungry. And his friend would just make him pork chops.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he was like, why don't I just make a restaurant? Then it became an incredible. It's my favorite Greek restaurant in Baltimore.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because it's just. Just a guy's and his kids hang out. His wife just hangs out.

[Chris D'Elia]

Family. It started as a money laundering operation. Let's be real. And then the guy realized he could.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really cooking through produce. It was just like, you take three heads of lettuce and you just see, you know, four.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Teenage, you know, 14 year olds.

[Chris D'Elia]

Two girls from Slovenia. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like, if you get hungry, eat carrots. Only two carrots per day, though. I'm not, I'm not made of money.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But yeah. And so it literally was just all there and I'm hearing some fucking Greek guy talking about how they need to get Mexicans out, they need to get immigrants out. He's talking with a heavy Greek accent.

[Sponsor Voice]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

He does not speak English. Yeah, he's speaking Greek. He's making in America an argument in Greek about how immigrants need to go.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like. I was like, we're immigrants. You understand?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, go back to Greece. Like, I don't want to go back to Greece. And I was like, what the fuck are we talking about?

[Chris D'Elia]

The Mexicans don't want to go back either.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he was like. And then he's like, well, we came here the right way. I was like, you don't know. Know anybody that came in through. Because Greek people, they. They would come through Canada, right? They would come to Canada. It was easier to get in. You just. It was just easier to get through that border. He was like, no, I don't know anybody. And the guy he was arguing with, he's like, I came through Canada.

[Chris D'Elia]

Literally.

[Bert Kreischer]

The guy he's talking to came through was an illegal. A former Greek illegal immigrant who now is a citizen and who's like a member of society. It's like even. It's like people so quickly will forget where an immigrant that does not fluently speak the language will say, we need to get Mexicans out of here. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's like, you came in the right way. It's like, what's the right way? You came in like a frozen box of meat going into the back of a diner, smuggled in Neptune.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were hung up nude like a full lamb carcass in a meat locker.

[Chris D'Elia]

This is the way. No, dude, I. But you know, with. With Christmas in my family too. What's not. At least your family has. It's one culture. It's just the Greeks and maybe they're a little. But for me, we have.

[Bert Kreischer]

We have some honkies in the family.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, we have. We actually have a little bit of. A little. A little of some. Some. Some white flavoring. Actually, it's gonna be the first. So these holidays we're doing a little blended my. You know, my sister in law and like. And I.

[Chris D'Elia]

Now when you say blended, you mean someone. Because you can't. In a Greek family, blended is. That has. It can't be a black person. That's. That's actually. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it could, but it's not.

[Chris D'Elia]

Greeks are not like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

My. I am lucky that my. I didn't realize how like, progressive my family was. Right? Like, my mom is actually insanely progressive to a point where, like, in hindsight, it was. It was. I was like, oh, this. I'm. I was very lucky with that. And my dad is just one of those guys that like, whoever the last guy he talked to, that's what he believes. Got it. Like, I remember when gay. When gay married, like, my dad is kind of like just like playfully racist the way a idiot would be. You know what I mean? Like, and I remember. And he's like, homophobic. He was homophobic. And then I remember when gay marriage happened, he was like, all right, we were in the car talking. He was like, all right, they can get married, but do they have to have kids? And then I was like, hey, dad, what if. Do you think a kid is better off in an orphanage or in a loving gay family? And he literally was like. I literally saw him like stroke his chin and think like a cartoon character thinks. Like, I saw the thought bubbles go boop. See? Like a baby smiling instead of being sat in an orphanage. And he was like, oh, yeah. I guess if that's the case, it's like, well, that's what the fucking talking about. He just never considered that a baby would be better off with gay people than in fucking an orphanage. You felt like, well, it's unnatural.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right, Right. Because they.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now he's on board now.

[Chris D'Elia]

By the book. Greek people are by the book. Yeah. And you know, look, I'm trying to get a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz, look, I love my sisters in law. We have a couple different. We have Australian, she's from Australia, but she's a Italian Australian girl. Her ethnicity, you know. And then a white. A white girl from Maryland who. Lovely, lovely people. Beautiful. I love them both. But I would like to sprinkle a little something in the gene pool.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right. Get something going.

[Bert Kreischer]

The funny thing is about racists. It's like people who do race science and talk about purity. It's like if we really want to be scientific and I don't think we should. I don't think we should ever judge people on obviously their genetic traits or whatever.

[Chris D'Elia]

But my grandfather would beg to differ.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course. He's got the calipers out.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Before anybody comes in, he assigns seating depending on skull size. He's like, okay, Chris. Yeah, he has like a shade.

[Ad Man]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like fucking. These shades are allowed.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But scientifically, like, the more diversity you have in your genes, the better you are.

[Chris D'Elia]

The healthier.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, the healthier, like the healthier you are, the more athletic, like all this other. What we really should be going towards. If you were a supremacist, you should. If anyone's a supremacist, they should be a beige supremacist.

[Ad Man]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Beige supremacy. That's. The actual super person is like someone who's like a mix of everything and just kind of in the middle, you know?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

But anyway, I need. I just feel like last. I mean, last time I did Two Bears with Tom, we were talking about that. I was like, maybe I could get a. Maybe I get an Arab lady. Black lady in the mix.

[Chris D'Elia]

But I. That. See. But Arab. I don't know what the Greeks. I don't know, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would be nice.

[Chris D'Elia]

They think about the Ottoman Empire. What about that? You're gonna have to get. That's hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some role play.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what I mean? We do some Ottoman role play. I lift up my Greek skirt, look up a Fustanella.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah. I've seen these before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just have my dick out in the shirt.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, there it is. Look at that skirt. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I lift that skirt up, she sucks me off under that. She's wearing, like, fucking big sultan pants.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The irony is, And I've said. I said this in my special. Greek people are basically lightsabers skinned Arabs.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're the same. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, we like kebabs.

[Sponsor Voice]

We're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're in the same.

[Chris D'Elia]

Are Greeks considered white? We are Caucasian.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we are. And again, I don't mean to do my act, but I think it's because white people want credit for ancient Greece. Right. Because we. We kind of crushed it. And the other option is just to admit, like, you know, Egypt and Africa came up with a lot of stuff.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, no, no, we can't. We can't admit that, like, Arab mathematicians actually did all this shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So why don't we get the whitest, like, philosophers we can find and say they are white.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I think we're pretty much grandfathered in. Because white people want to. Want to say, well, clap all the, you know, Plato. They want. They want Plato, they want the Olympics. They want all that on the resume, I think.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

But spiritually, we feel. We feel more Arab, to be honest.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. You feel more up. Yeah. And I. As a. You know, obviously, as a defender of Christianity and a leader of the New York chapter of the Crusades, I. I would welcome Greeks into our fold. Thank you only. But. But not. You're not part of the first wave.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure, sure.

[Chris D'Elia]

Kind of like, if we need you, it's like, well, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, how.

[Chris D'Elia]

The British Empire, they kind of sought out the Hessians.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cossacks.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You see Us as, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As mercenaries.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That you would help.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. I don't see you as full Saracens. Like, you know, I do find, like, it's not the first. Like, we got to get through, like, Scandinavians and Germans. But then we will, of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, and that's the irony about Greece is if you go real in the mountains, people do kind of like you, you know, like, you look like. Because you can get real. Like, my grandmother is pale as. And in fact looks a little Asian.

[Chris D'Elia]

Interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, because I think it's kind of like, you know, those mountainous, like, kind of Kazakh regions of, like, she. You know, Bulgaria. Like, her. Her whole family is now in Bulgaria. They fled the Nazis, actually. They were communists.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, that's like the. And the irony of just culture in general. It's like whatever culture you are that you're defending tooth and nail, most likely a thousand plus years ago, that culture that you are identifying fully with was just rolled into your great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather by the people you now say you hate, of course. So it's just like it does. There is no culture. It's like, we're all just in this together.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's who you are. In fact, I was. I was. I'm fascinated by some of the stuff on my. On my algorithm is like, it's all steaks. Like, Matt, I believe the guy's named Max, the meat guy. And he's just like, I love smoking. Watching him smoke a steak, watching him dry, age shit, it stakes. It's obviously huge tits. I just can't. I mean, the second I look, oftentimes, I will be trying to search something on my Instagram and be like, let me go see what Chris is up to. Right? But before I can put in Chris in the search bar, I just see tits. And I just like, that's it. 20 minutes. I'm like, oh, fuck. What was Chris up to? And the other thing, weirdly, is linguistics.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I really have gotten into, like, how everything is. Like, there's a guy who just like, shows you how words start and how they ended up, like, where did boots come from? And apparently. But the idea of Italian, like, Italian is a great example of how fake this culture is. Because when a lot of the first wave of Italian immigrants to New York came, they weren't even speaking what we think of as Italian today. We're talking the 1800s. Italy is such a new concept that most places spoke a regional dialect, so that if you learn, like, it was, it's kind of impossible. For Italians, like, go back to their roots because what they believe, like, that kind of has been flattened by a national Italian identity that didn't even exist when their great, great grandfather came over here and fucking, you know.

[Chris D'Elia]

So you mean they weren't coming over here and going. We don't call it sauce, we call it gravy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's mozzarella. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Fresh.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, literally, the Italian that you just hear on the streets in Italy was not what most Italians, Italian, like immigrants in the 1800s, spoke. They spoke a regional dialect from wherever they were.

[Chris D'Elia]

Real Italians don't even have Alfredo sauce.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's like a thing that Americans made up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Think about it for a second. That's the most American shit of all time. It's butter and cream. It's the most flavor. It's like. Like the mayonnaise of pasta is Alfredo sauce that's marketed like that. It's basically like a Midwestern.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's good though. Dude, come on. Can you live without Alfredo sauce?

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't. I've cut it out. Really out of my diet.

[Chris D'Elia]

You could cut out Alfredo and vodka sauce.

[Bert Kreischer]

Vodka's harder. But I don't eat that much Italian because I found, you know, and people are gonna mock me on my. On my. I am on a long weight loss journey.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. But I see the big picture. It's pretty big right now, but I see it huge.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a huge picture. It is hard to go from like. Like, it's like you can't really. You can't really, like, brag about losing, like, 60 pounds when the only reason that's possible is cuz you got insanely fat. Right? Like, I got to 350, and that's like, wow. It's easy to lose 60 pounds when you weighed 350. Like, I'm still 290. You know what I mean?

[Chris D'Elia]

Like, you're under 303. Got to give you props on that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm. I'm. I'm well under three these days. And I'm actually.

[Chris D'Elia]

Your weight always mirrors my collection cholesterol.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, and somehow my cholesterol is not bad.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what I'm saying. You're healthier on the inside than I am.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll see. I think it's the. The clock's ticking. Yes, I have. You know, it's. It's getting there for me. But I've cut out a lot of Italian food because it's just hard to make a low cal version of it.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's almost actually Hard, but it's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's why tomato sauce is actually pretty healthy.

[Ad Man]

So anyway, this is the best vodka in the world. You're talking to a man who put 10,000 hours into a couple things. Eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife in if you want. I'm pretty good at the first one too. But this is better than pussy. This is the best vodka you're ever gonna have. It's clean. I sleep score. My sleep score's through the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell em.

[Sponsor Voice]

It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you the people are the ones telling us how great it is too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us. This is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried porosos, get out to the store. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to carry.

[Ad Man]

Tell them request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry porosos? And if they say, no, go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then walk out.

[Ad Man]

You know what I do? I go, do you carry porosos? And they say, no, I bring out a bottle and I give it to them. I go, now you do. Can I get a bottle? A glass of porosos? That's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's awesome. Deck your home with blinds.com. Diy or let us install. Free design consultation.

[Ad Man]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Chris D'Elia]

Well, speaking of that, do you want. We got Tommy Bunz's croissants. You want to check out one of those? What's it called again? Chichio Bumba. Ciccio Bumba. Which is that ancient Italian cicio Bumba. Can you see this in here?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, they can't.

[Chris D'Elia]

There we go. Look at that. So here, I'll get. You get the first pick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow. Thank you.

[Chris D'Elia]

Come on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. It is Christmas after all.

[Chris D'Elia]

Look, we got one with spinach. The little health for the health.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not eating that. I'm going straight for the chocolate one. Should we split the chocolate one you want?

[Chris D'Elia]

No. Come on, dude. We want to split one.

[Sponsor Voice]

Yeah, all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll take a bite. Oh, yeah, get Out. Let me do a mukbang. Oh, all right. Sorry. If you have misophonia. Ah. I do this where they tap the. With their fingernails. Are you a good boy? Do you want to see me eat this panel? Chocolate.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna take a bite of another one.

[Bert Kreischer]

This will do it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Look at that. This is. If we're doing anything we can in our power now to get this going.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, into the mic, Crunch. Into the mic.

[Chris D'Elia]

Uhhuh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ah. Sorry, folks. It is Christmas after all. We have to take a Christmas page.

[Chris D'Elia]

What about this?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, that. That even disgusts me. All right, what's. What flavor is that? Apple.

[Chris D'Elia]

Want to take a little bite?

[Bert Kreischer]

I might have to take a little bit. Let's. All right. We took. We took our half. Halfway point. Croissant break. We'll end the last. All right, I'll take one more bite, and then after that, we'll. We'll end the episode with eating more pastries.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. But now, as promised. Oh, yeah. It's got a little protein in it. I'll tell you what, though. Go check this place out, because Tommy can make a hell of a freaking croissant.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is actually awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

Actually awesome. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We were talking, but sorry.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, it is. I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't, old boy Chris. Yeah, don't force Chris to have sex with his daughter in 30 years.

[Chris D'Elia]

Please don't do that. Yeah, I just. Not now. Not with all I'm going through. So we did have some fans write in some actual real questions for us.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what? We'll get to them in a little bit. I still want to talk to. I still. I still want to talk to you. I still want to talk.

[Chris D'Elia]

Should we just start maybe to really derail us. Should we just start talking about all their sponsors?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I'm down.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. So what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, check clears, and then we.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, that's true.

[Ad Man]

What.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you getting your kids for Christmas, dude?

[Chris D'Elia]

So we got, you know, the puppy I told you so we're gonna get. We kind of feel like, you know, we're overwhelmed with this puppy. But I actually just was talking to Jaz this morning. I was like, what are we gonna get the kids? And we don't have any ideas right now?

[Sponsor Voice]

No ideas.

[Chris D'Elia]

No ideas.

[Bert Kreischer]

What was your best as a child? Do you have, like, one Christmas that you got, One gift that just fucking did it right for you?

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, I can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're an only child, right?

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm an only child, and I. But I had a bunch of cousins, but I. So on Christmas, it was just, like, packs of wild children, animals ripping up gifts. Because my. My family really did go, like, above and beyond. Like, we would have piles of gifts. Like, really, truly, like, almost to the point where, like, even as a child, I was like, this isn't what Christmas is about. Yeah. This is actually not what Jesus wanted.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

But I don't recall. I don't have, like, a standout gift like that. And that's what sometimes me and Jazz talk about, because she doesn't either. It's like, we don't even remember this stuff, so we're trying to do, like, experiences.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want a memorable Christmas?

[Chris D'Elia]

Like, the best. Like, the best recent gift that my kids have ever gotten from us. And my older daughter actually said this when we. Jazz and I went to Italy. Like, just her and I little, like, vacation, whatever. Three days we went, and when we got came back, we brought home pasta from Sicily. Like, real. Like, you know, that was made there, and we took and we made it as a family. And my kids still talk about how fun that was to make the pasta and eat it as a family, as opposed to coming home with snow globes and, you know, I love Italy shirts. We didn't do that. So we're like, what is the experience we can give our kids for Christmas? So that's why I'm like, let's go to Germany.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And Jazz, like, we're not going to Germany.

[Bert Kreischer]

Human safari.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, give your kid a fucking.

[Sponsor Voice]

Didn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or you could take him to, like, the. Can't you, like, shoot? Didn't Nate Bargetzi have a bit about. You can shoot like, a cow with a grenade launcher in, like, Thailand or some shit?

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah, they would, like, that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Should take your kid.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like everything I know about your oldest daughter is that she is a real. She has, like, a real alpha about her, 100%. And I feel like she would like to see the life leave an animal's eyes. Yes. At her hands.

[Chris D'Elia]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe it'd be a good way to check to see if your kids are sociopath.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes, my daughter is. When you start to start, you know, obviously all these serial killer documentaries, like, you know, after you watch six hours of Ted Bundy, you're like, my. That's kind of like my daughter.

[Ad Man]

And.

[Chris D'Elia]

But you know what? Maybe we'll do for. For them. My kids are right now a lot into Roblox and all that, so we'll do. I'm sure we'll do something about that. Get her some type of roadblock yearly pasting my little daughter. Princesses. Everybody's about K Pop and the Demon Hunters. Everybody's about K Pop and the demon Hunters.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tell that to your Korean. Korean war veteran.

[Chris D'Elia]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

War veteran.

[Chris D'Elia]

He would lose it.

[Bert Kreischer]

He fucking.

[Ad Man]

He.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he got stabbed.

[Chris D'Elia]

I love that. You know what I'll try to do, too? Like, I'll say, like. Cause, you know, they don't know the difference, my kids. Maybe I'll just be like, oh, you know, daddy, I set something up. I got you girls a FaceTime with one of the actors from K Pop and the Demon Hunters, and it's just Ronny Cheng. I just threw him to you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ronnie's gonna be too hard to get. Try Bobby.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, Bobby will do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Bobby. Yeah. All right. Yeah, so maybe I'll just have Bobby call in and say, oh, yeah, that's Mira from K Pop and the Demon Hunters. So that. And then my stepson. I think the greatest gift to my stepson is just. Would be to leave his mother and just try to have some way that I just make his family whole again, which is like, can she just get back with my dad?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right, right, right, right.

[Chris D'Elia]

So that. That maybe I'll do that for him. I'll just walk away.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's what you do. You get him a private investigator to watch you cheat on his mother.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You buy him A. Here's $200. Hire your own private investigator. And maybe, hey, if you catch me, you catch me, dude. May the best man.

[Chris D'Elia]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You get him binoculars and a little notepad and a fucking magnifying glass. Find the clues that I'm cheating on your mother.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sherlock Holmes cap. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know, teach him how to catfish somebody. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, he can use it on me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those are valuable lessons. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You end up sexting your stepson.

[Sponsor Voice]

Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

Whoops. I. You know, but we. For him. For my stepson, he just got a bike, too. So maybe I'll do some stuff, like, you know, get some gifts around his bike, get him, like, some pegs or something like that. Accessorize his bike up a little bit. And then my dad. And my dad is in from Tampa, so I was gonna take my dad to the Knicks game. I was gonna get tickets to Knicks games, but he said he does. He doesn't want to go. He's like, I'm not watching them. I was like, I don't know.

[Ad Man]

I don't know.

[Chris D'Elia]

He just. As he's gotten older, he really just like, is focusing in only specifically on the Yankees and The New York Giants.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he doesn't have enough time.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, more. Yeah, exactly. He's like. Well, he's at that age now. He's like, we gotta get there. We gotta get parking. I'm like, dad, I can get us courtside seats. And he's just like. Even my. My dad's just, like, like, desensitized now. And I'm like, what the hell? Come on, dude. I want to take him to the next camp. My mom. I'll probably get. My mom just likes. She's a simple lady. Get her gloves, get her scarf, and really just. Just show up for my mom.

[Ad Man]

You could.

[Chris D'Elia]

All I got to do is show up on Christmas Eve and not be on my phone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

And not talk to her about comedy and podcast ad revenue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right, right.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then she's happy if, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Interesting. That's cute.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. And then my stepmom. Just. A lot of cooking. Cooking, cookware. Just buy her. You know, if all you got to do with my stepmom is buy spoon with her initials on it.

[Ad Man]

That's it.

[Chris D'Elia]

She loves you for forever.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that. Dude. What about you?

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, see, you see, it's a little bit less stressful, I think, for a guy like you right now. No wife, no kids, family. Want to take care of your nieces and nephews and all that, but you don't feel, like, the overwhelming walls closing in? Like, I have to hit a home run.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Chris D'Elia]

For gifts.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't at all. I don't at all. And also, it's like, you know, I don't really. Like, we weren't huge. Like, I'll. I'll get my. I guess I'm realizing I haven't really thought about it because the ba. It's like, I'm thinking about the baby.

[Chris D'Elia]

How old's the baby?

[Bert Kreischer]

Baby's like, not even a year old yet.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude. Honestly, you know, this is like, I'm not even trying to be funny. You know, it's like, really good thing you could do for the. For the baby, because what do they really need that their parents open up a 529 plan for them? I don't know if your brother.

[Bert Kreischer]

Buy him some crypto.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, buy them some. Put. Invest for the kid's future. If you put, like, you start putting money in that today, by the time that baby's 18, they're. They're. I mean, they're going to be totally good with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I try. I actually. I actually am going to. I did put a little money for him.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I'M also going to get him a who Official price hoop. Yeah, I want to. We're all. We're all very much in the. Like, we want him either to be an athlete or the gayest child ever. Sure. Like, we want him to either be or honestly, the gayest quarterback ever. How sick would that be?

[Chris D'Elia]

100.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just like throwing dimes. Then he's just like, making out with his boyfriend.

[Chris D'Elia]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just picking up his twink boyfriend by the ass cheeks.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, he just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

He throws a touch out. He just starts blowing the wide receiver. Just helmets off. Just making out. He just bends over his tight end, starts licking his ass after they score a touchdown.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, it'd be great, actually. It would be. Maybe it would be better for him to be a bottom.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

First bottom star quarterback.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we want him to be the gayest kid ever. So it's like either. It's either going to be football or, like, make a makeup brush.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right. One or the other. But you do something. Like, you would do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Show him Wrestling and RuPaul's Drag Race and see which one he likes more.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I think that's a good thing that you just. Him and you say, like, you know, dude, I've shown him football.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by here, the way, don't be down the middle. Don't be boring.

[Chris D'Elia]

Make a decision.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some guy in fudgeing Dockers. You know what I mean?

[Chris D'Elia]

Take a stance.

[Bert Kreischer]

Take a stance one way or the other.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If he's just like a perfectly normal guy who wears fucking polos tucked into his. So boring. I don't want that.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's so boring.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want that.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. And then you do, you know, you do it all. Like, you you donate some money into his 529, invest for him, and then, you know, but then also make sure he's got one of those shirts as a baby that says, like, I love Hooters. Yeah. You know, like, absolutely those things.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those are good.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm looking for some milk, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Suck some titties. And that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Titty sucker.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would love to get him a shirt that says titty sucker on.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know, it's one thing I did because I used. It used to be in my family, like, I would have to get. Obviously, of course, for, you know, my immediate family. But then when I go to Christmas Eve, it's all the aunts and uncles and all the adults would get gifts for each other. And I actually, you know, me, I don't, like, step up or say anything I'm like, I'm not confrontation. I'll just literally go down a path. I'll literally dedicate a whole lot to something I don't want to do. That's just, you know how I am. Like, I don't even want to do stand up. I don't want to do any of this, but I've just committed to it. So now it's like, this will just be my life. So. So. But I had to step up and say, I can't buy. I'm not buying gifts for like 60 year old women. I'm not doing that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm fully with you there.

[Chris D'Elia]

So what I did was, and I got to give Jazz credit. She's the one that came out there. She's like, what about an experience gift for your mom and your aunts, you know, their sisters. There's five of them. And I say, great. And we got a Broadway show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love that.

[Chris D'Elia]

We picked a Broadway show. I did a whole day for them. I said, this is the day. Got you Broadway show tickets.

[Ad Man]

Where?

[Chris D'Elia]

Like broadway.com. so just like a voucher, they could pick what play they wanted. And then I got them a car service for the day and dinner reservations. And it was that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's genius. That's the type of shit I'd probably do for my mom.

[Chris D'Elia]

Experience.

[Bert Kreischer]

She doesn't like to do. Nice. I bet your mom is the same way. Single. Like, I'm not my mom. A single mom, but like an overworked moment mom. They never do anything nice for them. Like we got my mom massage and she was like, I don't want anybody touching me.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's like, I don't deserve to feel good.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They've been so beaten down by the world for so long that they don't like nice stuff.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

We took her like the first time, we took her to like her birthday dinner at like a non chain restaurant. She was like, can we, can we afford this? It's just like the burgers cost like $20 instead of like 16.

[Chris D'Elia]

She's like, but at Applebee's, it's two for 20.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. But you know, I. The.

[Chris D'Elia]

What does your dad get your mom? Like, your dad seems like an old school Greek guy. Like, what does. What is his idea?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even.

[Chris D'Elia]

Did he even care at this point?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, no, I. Absolutely not. They completely checked out. I mean, he would get us. I remember the funniest thing he ever got us was he got his watches. Yeah, he got us. He's like, nice. I was like, well, These are kind of nice. And then you look at. And I was like, so pumped to have it. And then you look at it, and it was. I was like, huh? This watch isn't like, do I have to. Like, does it need new batteries? I'm not kidding. It was a sticker watch face. It was the fa, like. Cause guys would come to the Greek coffee shops who then they would hock stolen shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

One time a guy pulled up. Pulled up to it. Cause my dad's a carpenter. He pulled up with a delivery truck full of nails.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he was clearly going to, like, Home Depot, like, pallets. And the guy was like, hey, man, $1,000. You get all the nails and I'll throw the truck in too. And it was like. My dad was. I'm good, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, thanks. Yeah, there's helicopters going over, tracking the license plate.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, like, guys would steal. Would steal from the. From, like, you know, random dudes would steal from Greek guys. Trucks and then come sell it to different Greek guys.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, at the. At the coffee shops. So he would get us like. Like fake polo. He would get us, like, fake watches. One time I was like, I want an autographed Michael Jordan basketball. Right.

[Ad Man]

Sweet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I. You know, we're growing up. I'm growing up right at the sweet spot of Jordan. I was like, you know, 7 when the 96 run happened. And they played like a. Anyway, whatever. I don't have to explain why I loved Michael Jordan. And it was Space Jam. That was the big one.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, big time.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like. And I said that. I was like, there's no way he's gonna be able to get a real autograph. And he was like, I'll get it for you. He was like, I will get it for you. And I was like, really? He was. And he, like. He never, like, made a point to promise he would do anything. And then he just went to Costco. And you know how they have, like, the pre. Signed.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it was obviously Michael. It was just, like a file they uploaded.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was like. He was like, here you go. The signature. I was like, like, this isn't the fucking signature Michael Jordan, you piece of shit. And it's a shitty basketball. It was like, the rubber ones.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He signed it with a nice one.

[Chris D'Elia]

He signed it with his own pen. It, like, ran out of ink at the end. You're like, I know that you did that.

[Bert Kreischer]

He signed it in Greek. He signed it phonetically in Greek.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Michael Zordan. There's no J in you know what, though?

[Chris D'Elia]

I appreciate that you said, too, that your father never actually made it a point to promise it to you. Because once you promise, I think about that, my kids. Because my dad, when I was like eight years old, promised me that he was gonna take us white. Take me white water rafting one day.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know whitewater rafting.

[Chris D'Elia]

And now I'm sitting here at 41 years old. Every. Every time he calls me, there's a.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think it's the time.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's deep in the subconscious. But there's a time where I'm like, I wonder if he's gonna do whitewater rafting. And then I wonder if this is it. And now he's got, like, you know, bionic knees. He couldn't possibly get. He would immediately be killed if he got into white water raft.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever been whitewater rafting?

[Chris D'Elia]

Because I'm like, I can't go because my dad's gonna take me. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want to ruin the surprise. My dad's working on it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. But it's wild how it's like, it's probably just a thought he had in his mo. In his head because I was just being annoying. And he's like, I'll take you whitewater river rafting or something. And then it stuck with me as like, oh, that's what's gonna happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait to go white water raft then. It's just never happened.

[Chris D'Elia]

Absolutely. 33 years later.

[Ad Man]

Wow.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm still like, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, my dad would promise he would be places and not show up quite a bit, but you kind of got used to that.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It taught you not to authority figures, not to depend on anyone.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. You know, you know, like my.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do it yourself.

[Chris D'Elia]

My daughter is like, she's in gymnastics class and she doesn't really like going. I just make both of my girls go. Cause I'm like, you got to do something you have to do. So I understand if maybe you're not going to be professional athletes, but, like, I'm your dad. You have to do some type of sport. I can't handle it if you have to do something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So. So she. So they're doing gymnastics, and my daughter doesn't want to go. The older one, the little one, loves it. And I was like, listen, if you can just go four times in a row, I'll buy you a pair of ugg slippers that you want. So she was like, okay. So she went four times in a row. And then I don't know what she did. She got in trouble or something like that with her mom not cleaning her room. And her mom was like, we're not buying her anything. And I was like, well, I just made a commitment. I said, I gotta get her the ugg slippers. And she was like, well, she didn't clean her room, so she's not getting those damn Ugg slippers. So then I didn't follow through with it. This was only a couple of weeks ago. But I'm like, now I'm. Now I'm having a debate in my head. It's like, before I go to the airport here in Austin, do I go get my daughter the ugg slippers and just bring them home? But then I'm gonna be in a fight with my wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ready? Here's what you do. Do you buy the ugg slippers, but you say you are not allowed to have these until you make restitution for not cleaning your room. So she has to, like, earn them back, right? So she earned. She earned them. And now they're in the penalty box because she got them taken away.

[Chris D'Elia]

Because now. Because last week. Because she didn't. Because it was the four weeks in a row, and she didn't get the Ugg slippers on her feet. She protested and did not go to gymnastics. She held out. She held out and just wouldn't come out of her room.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Chris D'Elia]

So I respect her for that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're toast. You're never gonna. She's gonna outsmart you. She's probably. She's what, 10? She's smarter than you right now.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, she already did. She already did. She literally. We wanted to get her an Apple Watch, so she goes. So we would get. You know, I was like, I'll just buy her an Apple Watch. And then, Jaz, like, no, we have all these old Apple Watches from, like, a couple of years ago that, you know, that you just stopped using or whatever. And I was like, okay. So then my daughter calls me. She's like, oh, we're gonna. We're gonna put this Apple Watch on. And I was like, okay, yeah, do whatever. You know, I'm such a dumb technology idiot. And then my daughter called, you know, because she. She has a iPad that she calls me on. So she facetimes me upstairs from the second floor of the house, like, in the back, away from her mom. She goes, hey, dad, we're gonna put this. I. We're gonna put this Apple Watch on. But just so you know, your text messages are linked to that, so just be careful. Oh, and I was like, wow. And she was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Be a real shame if I saw something I shouldn't see.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. So she was like. So I can either a. I can delete these text messages for you if I get ugg slippers on my feet. If not, you can place to live.

[Bert Kreischer]

Toes might be a little too chilly to press the delete button. That's hilarious.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. So I like that. The negotiating I love.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, you would be a good dad.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude. I think you should. I think if you ever wanted to, you'd be good if you want to do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm. I'm not opposed to it. I'm. I'm getting weirdly to the point where I would have enough money that I could just, you know, Elon Musk style nut in a stranger and just have a kid. But I think.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, but I think you would.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would like a loving. I would like a. I would love to. I would love to bring a child into a loving, loving situation.

[Chris D'Elia]

I was watching this show, great show called Task on hbo, Max. How great was that? So that girl with the bangs like, that girl, the. Amelia.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the.

[Chris D'Elia]

This girl. As soon as I saw her. What's her name, the actress go down?

[Bert Kreischer]

Amelia Jones.

[Chris D'Elia]

Amelia Jones.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's incredible. I did. I was in a movie with her.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I was gonna say, when I saw her, the way that she's dressed, you know, she doesn't look like this in Task, but the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she looks like Philly white trash.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. The way she's dressed in Task. I literally. I said to Jazz, we watched, I said this. That girl would look good with Stavi. And I was like, yeah, this. This. I was like, this is Stavi's girl. This is Stavi's.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want me to marry Philly white trash? Yes.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. This is. This is like. I was like, you got to be with her. She's got to be in tires.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so funny.

[Chris D'Elia]

She'd be perfect in tires.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, you don't want to hear something crazy about this girl. She's from England.

[Sponsor Voice]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

I swear to God. We did a movie.

[Chris D'Elia]

She plays a Philly girl better than Shane.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. No, it fucked my mind up because I worked with her this summer, and I knew her as, like, this, like, bubbly British girl. And then I was stoned as watching the first episode of Task, and I see that disgusting Philly accent.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, get me a hoagie. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

You're like, what is this? Are you garbage?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I was like, yeah. Why is he talking like H. Foley Yeah. And that. This. That disgusting voice came out of, like, a. A very beautiful, talented actor, and it fucking my head up. But they make her look up. They make her look like a Philly. Like.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, but I got. But I think she looks hot the way she is like that. I think that's. I don't know. I just saw that. I was like, this is the Typ chick Stavi should be.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want me to. To. To save white trash?

[Chris D'Elia]

That's what I want.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want me to elevate white trash?

[Chris D'Elia]

Here's what I can tell.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I am. I'm. I'm Greek inner, you know?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, but you're at the top of the heap.

[Bert Kreischer]

I.

[Ad Man]

Absolutely.

[Chris D'Elia]

In a way, you're the top of.

[Bert Kreischer]

The top of the trash heap.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

King of Trash Mountain 100.

[Chris D'Elia]

So I think you either go with a girl like this, or on the flip side, I could see you with, like, a real small, tight, like, Filipino chick, you know, like one of those girls that looks like. Yeah. She's like a kickboxer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. You know? Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

Like. Like a. But, like, cute and hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Fat shames me. Nonsense.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, but. But.

[Bert Kreischer]

But she watches me. Every time I pick up a piece of pork belly, she slaps me across the. Put it down. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Her parents just have disdain for me.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

They have a nickname for me that I think means, like, you know.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Honored son. And it actually means disgusting hog.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like the hog and Filipino.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm talking about, like, one of those hardcore Asians, like, displaced from a tsunami type girl. I like that. You know what I mean? I like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like that.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I like that for you. And I think that's what you're gonna wind up with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Either white trash.

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't see you going with a classic Greek girl. I don't see that for you at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't mind it, but. Yeah, I'm open to it. We'll see. I've just been too. You know, I'm too. Too busy podcasting, acting, doing everything.

[Chris D'Elia]

Campaigning for Mama Donnie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shout out to Zoron.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The boys in the booth want us to keep the episode a little fat. They want us to talk about our favorite favorite. Our favorite. What's the Christmas Chinese order is what I've been. Oh, we've asked which. How much time you got, brother?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because you gotta have a noodle. Sure. Let me crack my knuckles here.

[Ad Man]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So first of all, warm it up. We're going somewhere that has a Szechuan chicken wing. Like A spicy, dry pot flavored with a Szechuan peppercorns. Right. You know, that peppercorn spiciness that kind of, like, lingers a little bit. Gotta have that. Gotta have a chicken wing. Gotta have some dumplings in the mix. Soup dumplings I'd love. If it's not a soup dumpling place, let's get a traditional. Traditional pot sticker. Right. Fried. It's the holidays.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're not eating steamed dumplings on the.

[Chris D'Elia]

No way.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, this is not. We're here to enjoy ourselves. I'm gonna need. You know, just to get things started, we're gonna need a General Tso's. Sesame chicken style thing.

[Chris D'Elia]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. For the plebs. If someone's not used to eating the advanced dishes, you'll be happy with that. I need a lo mein. I need a shrimp fried rice. Okay. If not lo mein, chow fun. The thick noodles. I like a thick noodle sometimes. I'll have, like, a Singapore noodle. Nice.

[Chris D'Elia]

It'll beat you with a bamboo stick.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'll pain you for spitting on the sidewalk.

[Ad Man]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then we'll go. We'll get some of these places. Have, like, a cumin lamb. If it's, like, northern Chinese cuisine. Okay. Or some kind of, like, steak. They'll have, like, beef and broccoli. You could do. But I would prefer a different type of, like, tenderloin beef with, like, you know, just different. Just a. A rich, dark soy sauce type sauce house. And I need it. But that. I basically know all that. You know what I'm saying? I need. I need a couple rices. I need a couple. And then an eggplant. Oh, I didn't even realize they had that, like, delicious. Like my. I showed my mother, like, this kind of. That kind of eggplant. She goes crazy. I'll do like, a. Some kind of green. They'll have, like a. Gotta get healthy broccolini type Chinese broccoli. But they'll steam it. They'll put a little garlic and, like that.

[Chris D'Elia]

Broccoli.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. I believe that's. That is the actual pronunciation.

[Chris D'Elia]

Benson Boone has confirmed. Is it correct?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he just. He just. He's on the phone with Beijing right now.

[Chris D'Elia]

And of course, all this. All this. All this, you know, concoction, this smorgasbord of Chinese food. Only way to wash that down. A Diet Coke.

[Bert Kreischer]

Literally.

[Chris D'Elia]

Only way.

[Bert Kreischer]

I won't. I will have a Diet Coke or I will have a diet Dr. Pepper. 100%. I'm a big diet soda guy. The. The Christmas The Christmas Sprite cranberry. Ooh, really?

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't even know about that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they have a cherry limeade. Come on.

[Chris D'Elia]

What about a cream soda? When's the last time you had a cream. Cream soda?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. You know who has great? Dr. Brown's. Have you ever had that?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes, I have. The glass bottles, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a great cream soda. I don't know. I think it's a. I think it is Jewish.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, dude, I don't. Maybe that's why I'm not familiar with it. So I don't. I. You know what's crazy, dude? And I'm being honest with you, because what you just said sounded succulent, sounded delicious, Sounded Amazing. I'm 41 years old. However many days I've been alive. 365 times. 41. I don't. I can't do the math quickly in the head. It's got to be 20,000 plus days.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I have had Chinese food less than 10 times in my entire life.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get the fuck out of here.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, I told you. My grandfather, World War II vet, the Korean War vet. Asian was off the table.

[Bert Kreischer]

So how many times you had Korean barbecue?

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, I've. The most. Once, like, literally, the. I've had Korean barbecue, truly, maybe five times. And that has all been within the last two years because Yan likes it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Chris D'Elia]

So sometimes we'll go half.

[Bert Kreischer]

There is something Greek about it's. It's primal. I mean, Greek people connect to that. Watching your meat sizzle in front of you. I love Korean barbecue. I love. I like hearing that. Giannis. Despite our growing political. Our evolving political differences, Greek men can still meet in the middle when it comes to eating grilled meats of different cuisines. Dude, in my family, Chinese was like. We didn't eat any. Like. Like, the only foods we had were whatever my mom cooked. Whatever Greek food or pizza or Chinese I didn't experience. Tacos. I didn't experience. We didn't even really eat Italian food, to be honest.

[Chris D'Elia]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. See, to me, Italian. I mean, obviously pizza, but.

[Ad Man]

But.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the Americanized one, that is shocking to me. I love Chinese food. My favorite cuisines are all from the Orient.

[Chris D'Elia]

Interesting.

[Sponsor Voice]

I love.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I had to rank them, Greek is up there. But. But Korean. If I. My death row meal is Korean barbecue.

[Ad Man]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Without question.

[Chris D'Elia]

Interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Without question.

[Chris D'Elia]

But. And that's healthy. That's high protein. That's good food, is it not?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nah, not the way I have it, baby. Yeah, you can. I sauce it up. I get every. When they come in there. I know they look at me and they think, ah, this gringo has no idea what he's talking about.

[Chris D'Elia]

I know the one time I went to the Korean barbecue spot, like, you know, they bring out the meat you cook in on the, you know, grills right in the table. And, like, you know, we're order Yanis ordering a bunch of stuff, this, that. And then I go, I'm looking at the menu, I'm like, can I get a scallion pancake? And they, like, were. Were like, what? Yeah, literally, the waiter was like, do we have that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I said, yeah, it's at the bottom there. They were like, all right. And then they kind of just threw it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's where you get a seafood pancake at a Korean place. It's like a scallion pancake on steroids. And they put, like, calamari.

[Chris D'Elia]

They put fucking shrimp calamari and imitation calamari's pig anus. That's what they said.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I will eat it.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's kind of bacon.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am interested in pig anus if it's like calamari, because I love pork. 100%. I love. Eat.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'll eat a one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm eating ass anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're both ass eaters for sexual pork. Why not culinary pleasure?

[Chris D'Elia]

100%, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. We got to get a fucking Chinese. Oh, you never. You probably never even had soup dumplings. You probably only.

[Chris D'Elia]

No. You think they'll have Chinese? We're on the same flight going home. You think I'll have Chinese food on the flight?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think so.

[Chris D'Elia]

Do you think I have Chinese food in the Austin airport? Maybe you and I can eat a little Chinese.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, we're not. We're going to eat it in New York.

[Chris D'Elia]

You'll take me to. You know, I want to. I'm talking about not to go. I want to sit down. Chinese restaurant.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know these places.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know some spots.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know some spots in Flushing. I know. I'm getting acquainted to the stuff in the East Village, like, you know, on. What's it called? What's that street? Anyway, there's chinatown. There's like St. Mark's on St. Mark's I'm getting more acquainted with the Manhattan Chinese food scene. I took my mom this place, Noodle Village. Hilarious.

[Chris D'Elia]

That sounds like a slur. My neighborhood.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, yeah. What do you live down in?

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me guess. She's in fucking. Chris's new girlfriend's in from Noodle Village.

[Chris D'Elia]

Look at every. Every NYPD offices for Chinese. I mean, what is it? Noodle Village?

[Ad Man]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where they hold an orientation. The Noodle Village.

[Sponsor Voice]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's great. Noodle Village is awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'll take you, dude. I will actually take you.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Well, now you're in this. I mean, dude, you're in Manhattan. You're living my dream life. Living in Manhattan. Kind of just free walking around, doing it up. Hanging out with the actress from Task.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's just a. It's real nice what you got going on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, it is pretty good. That show's awesome, too. Shout out to Ruffalo.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, dude. Mark Ruffalo. Yeah. Who obviously, as you know, you're politically. He's with you more. With me. I. I was like, ugh. I would hear Mark Ruffalo talk like this, dude. And then I watch him. I'm like, I really like Mark Ruffalo. I'm in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

After I watched that show, like, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, feel like, Chris, I feel you have a little bit of what my dad has, which is you are stupid 100%. You are really dumb, and you'll listen to whoever you talk to. And you live in the suburbs and you're podcast host is a contrarian conservative. Because now he's gotta be different than what he used to be. No. And he's basically gone the Bill Maher route, where it's like, I'm not wrong. Everyone else is wrong, but it's like, you're just stupid. I don't actually think that you're even like that conservative when you.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm not. Because what you said, one thing that you said in the beginning of the show when you said that your dad, what really he is, is just whoever he talked to last, is his opinion is 1000% the definition of me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So I've been hanging with you a lot. So I will hit the group chat and say, here's the five good things about Mom Diet 7 talking heel.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then you're ready to redistribute wealth.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're ready to. You're ready to put caps on.

[Chris D'Elia]

But four days from now, when I've just mostly been with them, I'll text you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And just tell you about actually why, you know, you need to get out of New York City because it's going to burn to the ground.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. The thing is, a mayor doesn't really do shit. I wish people. I wish Mom Donnie would just like. Like, every annoying rich person would leave and I could just afford a brownstone, dude. I'll turn it into. It'll be like Never Neverland. It'll be awesome. I'll be the one. Cuz I would love to just have a insane house in New York. No one's going to leave. Everyone talks like they're like we're going to go. It's like, no, you want to live in Florida. You don't want to live in Florida. You want to live here. Austin sucks dick 100%, dude. The tech people have ruined it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Benson Spoon was sucking dick on the street last night.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that was just his died off. He's just blown off some steam before having to come in and podcast.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, Torchy's tacos.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, yeah, I, I love visiting here.

[Chris D'Elia]

But man, yeah, New York is the spot.

[Bert Kreischer]

New York's the best. And it's of course it's expensive to live there. It's awesome. Like you have to pay a premium to be somewhere cool.

[Chris D'Elia]

I get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go live in. Go, please. Go live in Florida. Live in. Even here, it's like this place is cool, you know? You know what I notice? Everyone who leaves California, they go to the most liberal part of Texas.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you cocksuckers out in the brush? Are you motherfuckers out in west Texas? Huh? You happen to go to the only.

[Chris D'Elia]

Place are you in Waco starting a cult?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. None of you motherfuckers are. You're here where they have fucking lattes, where they've had. Where it used to be. This used to be Portland in the fucking Texas. This used to be the wokest most bullshit town. And oh, all of a sudden everybody who fled la, you happened to come to the most liberal part. Why don't you fucking idiots go move to fucking go in the. Go clear some brush. Yeah. You know what I mean? Go fucking live with Walker.

[Chris D'Elia]

If I'm going to ever like leave New York and I'm on a quest to go full conservative, I'm going to as crazy as you can get. I'm going to Kabul, Afghanistan. I'm living under Taliban law. I'm going to show you guys. I mean it. I mean it, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Should we read? Do you want to see? We got one of these, a couple of these questions.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure, sure.

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay. So they said, oh, here we go. Here's one from Brady, Tommy Ballin, he says, currently visiting New York City. What's your favorite spot for some trim and some bread? What does that mean, trim?

[Bert Kreischer]

Pussy. He wants us, I guess he wants to buy pussy and Some bread. Bread is in, like, a bakery. So do you have a bakery that you like?

[Chris D'Elia]

A bakery that I like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude, you must.

[Chris D'Elia]

There's this. And I like. Now the name. Just buckle up for the name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. And I'm just. Before you say it or before the fans don't say it. Yes. I have experimented with changing the first letter of this word and saying it in the group chat. I've done that. I'm not proud of it, but I have. But the bakery is in Tribeca. It's called Rigor Hill.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. And it's an excellent, unbelievable bakery.

[Bert Kreischer]

You really did not need the preamble. You could have just said. You could have just said the name of the place.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I just did. I just wanted to get out in front of it before people started saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I wonder why he likes it. Yes, he's in Tribeca. I might.

[Chris D'Elia]

Tribeca, fantastic bakery. Rigor Hill. They have, I mean, croissants and things that you've never seen. Not as good as Tommy Buns, but they have the New York style. If you can't get out to Austin, Rigor Hill Market. Unbelievable spot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's really good.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Chris D'Elia]

Now for some trim, you could go to West Garden. That's a nice hand job spot across you from Madison Square Garden. I don't know if they'll give you any trim, but they'll give you some hand job jobs. That's it. Get a nice little body, deep tissue, and then you just get rolled over. So you got that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? Is the massage good?

[Chris D'Elia]

The massage is very good. Yeah. Yeah. I've never been rolled over, by the way. I've never. I've only gotten the full body. Never anything else.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm a family man. Okay, so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never rolled over. But they have made you come through your prostate.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, but that. That's different, you know, so. Oh, here we go. Yo, Chris, Seriously. And Stavi got a pitch for a show. I'd like you guys to come take over temporarily. Please text me. Then he gives out his full number. Should we just read his number on the air? Ciao, baby. From Richard Barkman.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much? How much are you paying, Richie?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, seriously. Ciao, baby. Tom Seguro is like, oh, I can name my other bakery that. So who do you think is more likely to win their respective league championship? The Denver Nuggets or the Denver Broncos? That's actually a very interesting question.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's the Nuggets because, I mean, the Broncos are Looking really good. Good. Now look, the Thunder look insane right now.

[Chris D'Elia]

17 and one right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

They look really good. But I think the Bron. There's just. They say the league or the. Like the whole league or.

[Chris D'Elia]

They said the respective league. Like who's going to win the end? Like who's got a better afc?

[Bert Kreischer]

The AFC is.

[Chris D'Elia]

Look, I mean, you can't go against the Ravens.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of teams have looked, but we haven't looked great this year.

[Ad Man]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we are recording this a little in the future. So hopefully. Hopefully we're on a 10 game win streak by then. But.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

The AFC is down across the board where it's like the Chiefs are weird, we're weird. The Bills aren't playing great. Some of the best teams have kind of fallen off a little bit. So it does feel a little like the Bronco. Even the Chargers have been weird.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Colts, the Patriots. It's all. But I just feel like football is so much more random.

[Chris D'Elia]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That I. Jokic is so good, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

And y. The thing is, Jokic is one of the best players in NBA history. His stats are out of control.

[Ad Man]

Good.

[Chris D'Elia]

And he does it all smoking cigarettes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're thinking of Divach.

[Ad Man]

No, but.

[Chris D'Elia]

But Jokic. Divach does, but Jokic gets boozed up and smokes too. Did you watch? I think he does. No, but he gets boozed up.

[Bert Kreischer]

He does get boozed up.

[Chris D'Elia]

Did you watch the. The documentary about the. The Olympics?

[Bert Kreischer]

I haven't seen the document.

[Chris D'Elia]

Court of Gold or something like that. You know, they get knocked out.

[Sponsor Voice]

What.

[Chris D'Elia]

What is countries. Is it Slovenia? Slovakia?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you thinking of Luca?

[Chris D'Elia]

Serbia?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're thinking of Luca.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, no, Luca is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Luka gets boozed up for sure.

[Chris D'Elia]

But so does Jokic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got Joe.

[Chris D'Elia]

He was. Jokic was boozed up on camera for this documentary. Yeah.

[Sponsor Voice]

There he is.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes. At Serbia. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's the man.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I. Dude, I heard in the Olympics what they're going to do is just put all the Balkan states together as one team and then Luka and Jokic would be on the same squad.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would be.

[Chris D'Elia]

That would actually. They would actually beat. Most likely they'd beat the USA Dream Team.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think they would.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. All right.

[Chris D'Elia]

We'll hit some more questions next. Next week or never. Oh yeah, that's true too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Merry Christmas, everyone.

[Chris D'Elia]

Enjoy.

[Bert Kreischer]

To Tom for these fucking delicious. Delicious. These are. I wanted to on his bakery. It's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

They really are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, he knew the way to shut me the up.

[Ad Man]

Oh yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just get me pastries.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, well, actually that's probably. Yeah. Yeah, that. That might have been Burke.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is laced, dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, they lace it with lightning strike. Go buy some, you idiots.

[Bert Kreischer]

Merry Christmas, everyone. We love you. See you next time.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Thanks so much, Bert and Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

[Ad Man]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.