LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave"

Episode Title: LA Is Burning
Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Host/Author: YMH Studios
Release Date: January 13, 2025

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1. Introduction to the Wildfires in Los Angeles

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura (A) and Bert Kreischer (B) discussing the unprecedented wildfires that have ravaged Los Angeles. They express shock and disbelief at the scale of destruction, highlighting the loss of entire neighborhoods and essential establishments.

• Bert: "This is unlike anything that's ever happened. It's the biggest wildfire ever in Los Angeles. Ever." ([00:12]–[00:31])

2. Impact on Communities and Infrastructure

Bert delves deeper into the extensive damage, mentioning the eradication of familiar places like CVS, Gelson's, Ralph's, and Starbucks. He reflects on the personal loss of his former neighborhood, emphasizing the emotional toll of seeing once-thriving communities reduced to ashes.

• Bert: "The neighborhood that I left when I last lived in Los Angeles is completely gone. The house... The school that Ellis went to is gone." ([00:50]–[01:35])

Tom adds a comedic twist to the conversation, suggesting building houses out of chimneys since they remained intact amidst the fires.

• Tom: "My one takeaway is why don't we make houses out of chimneys? Because everyone's chimney is still standing." ([01:35]–[01:41])

3. Economic and Industry Implications

Bert analyzes the economic repercussions, predicting an exponential increase in costs related to rebuilding and fire prevention. He anticipates the rise of industries focused on fire retardant products and stricter building regulations to prevent future disasters.

• Bert: "They're going to... $300,000 or some crazy amount of money. And then people will have to make the decision of whether they want to do it or not." ([02:17]–[05:13])

4. Personal Evacuation Experiences

Tom shares his personal experience of preparing for the fires, including packing go bags. He humorously recounts packing essentials like passports, cash, guns, and even unconventional items like chainsaws and panel lamps, highlighting the chaos and urgency of evacuation.

• Tom: "Passports, cash, guns... I grabbed my shotgun, my chainsaw, and my panel lamps." ([08:09]–[08:32])

5. Family Dynamics and Emotional Struggles

The conversation shifts to the emotional impact on families, especially parents witnessing their children face the aftermath of disasters. Tom reflects on his daughter's struggle with understanding the severity of the fires, juxtaposing his comedic persona with genuine concern.

• Tom: "What's in the go... I feel bad or like, I read something negative on the Internet, I'll go down and torture them." ([29:03]–[32:51])

6. Housing Market and Financial Strain

Both comedians discuss the strained housing market, where homeowners are left "upside down" on mortgages after losing their properties. They touch upon the challenges of insurance policies in fire-prone areas and the financial burdens faced by those affected.

• Bert: "And they're building multiple houses on that lot... selling it to Netflix as a new comedy series called Uncle Bert." ([07:00]–[33:17])

7. Comedy Industry Insights

The duo shares anecdotes from the comedy scene, including interactions with fellow comedians like Dave Attell and Adam Ray. They highlight the supportive yet chaotic nature of the comedy community during crises, blending humor with sincere concern.

• Tom: "She... the boy is doing this... I was crying laughing." ([41:12]–[43:45])

8. Observations on Media and Public Behavior During Disasters

Tom and Bert critique the behavior of media personnel and the public during the fires. They mock the tendency of individuals to document disasters on social media, often appearing oblivious to the immediate dangers around them.

• Tom: "Everyone wants to be their own news crew... she's on live right now." ([70:08]–[72:46])

9. Fashion and Societal Uniformity Discussion

Towards the episode's end, the conversation veers into a speculative discussion on uniformizing clothing in America, inspired by North Korean styles. They debate the merits and drawbacks of removing individualistic fashion choices to promote societal equality.

• Tom: "It should be the two bears with reggae fucking rasta hair... just absurd." ([56:21]–[58:26])

• Bert: "Clothing is totally an aspect of individual expression... suits establish dominance in society." ([58:07]–[59:26])

10. Closing Remarks and Future Plans

As the episode wraps up, Tom and Bert reflect on their personal lives, upcoming tours, and the continuous challenges they face. They maintain their signature humor while addressing serious topics, ensuring listeners are both entertained and informed.

• Tom: "That's crazy that people flying in or taking pictures at, like, people's loss." ([70:07]–[71:01])

• Bert: "It's pretty cool." ([62:56]–[63:08])

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Notable Quotes:

• Bert at [00:12]: "This is unlike anything that's ever happened. It's the biggest wildfire ever in Los Angeles. Ever."

• Tom at [01:35]: "My one takeaway is why don't we make houses out of chimneys? Because everyone's chimney is still standing."

• Tom at [08:09]: "Passports, cash, guns... I grabbed my shotgun, my chainsaw, and my panel lamps."

• Bert at [56:21]: "Clothing is totally an aspect of individual expression... suits establish dominance in society."

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Conclusion

In "LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave," Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer navigate the harrowing landscape of Los Angeles' wildfires with their characteristic blend of humor and heartfelt commentary. From discussing the logistical nightmare of evacuation to delving into the emotional toll on families and the broader economic implications, the episode offers a comprehensive look at the multifaceted impact of natural disasters. Their insightful observations on media behavior and societal norms add depth to the conversation, making this episode both engaging and thought-provoking for listeners.

Transcript

[A]

100%.

[B]

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're here in studio. Burt. Hey, buddy.

[A]

Hey. By the way, for everyone that doesn't know, the fires were crazy, and I was wondering if this place was gonna be here today.

[B]

Yeah, no, the fires are. This is unlike anything that's ever happened. It's always the thing.

[A]

It's the biggest wildfire ever in Los Angeles. Ever.

[B]

Yeah, ever in Los Angeles. They've already passed an estimated 51 billion, which is. It's going to grow by exponential amounts. The neighborhood that I left when I. When I last lived in Los Angeles is completely gone. The house.

[A]

That house is gone. The.

[B]

The house is gone. The school that Ellis went to is gone. The. You know, it was a very walkable neighborhood. And all my neighbors, like, I checked in with old friends, all their houses are gone. And also all the places that we would frequent, you know, like, we would go to the cvs. CVS is gone. Gelson's is gone. Ralph's is gone. The gas station's gone. The Starbucks is gone. Like, it's all gone. It's like, it's hard to comprehend, like, and to imagine that it's all gone as of now, unless it's changed. I couldn't believe that the Palisades village was all intact. And I was like, how's that possible? And I guess it's because maybe the. The buildings, the structures are all stone, you know, like concrete.

[A]

That's the one thing the. My one takeaway is why don't we make houses out of chimneys? Because everyone's chimney is still standing.

[B]

I know. It's. I mean, it's all cost relevant. The thing that I already was thinking of, too, because, well, two things are definitely going to happen. One, I was like, all the scumbag pieces of shit that will scam people in some way out of this. You're like, I can't wait till the. The Dateline special that'll come out about how they're gonna. They're gonna just prey on people, which is so horrible, but also how industries always come out of disaster. So I was thinking, because you go Malibu and the Palisades are two of the most sought after neighborhoods in Los Angeles. They're fantastic.

[A]

I'm so glad you're saying this, because, you know, I sometimes. Tom, I think I want you to finish what you're saying, but I think I have. I have horrible thoughts. I don't have horrible thoughts. Like, I'm so glad they killed that CEO. Horrible thought. But I do have crazy thoughts. But keep talking about this because I've been struggling with, like, how I feel about things.

[B]

Well, I just know what ends up happening is an industry will come out of a disaster of this magnitude. So what'll. Some version of this will happen will be like, okay, first of all, you're going to have a lot of people leave. A lot of people are going to leave these places. They're going to be like, I don't want to live here anymore.

[A]

10,000 houses in the Palisades.

[B]

So what's going to happen is they're going to move to Austin. All those people are going to end up moving to Austin because they, they. They're going to go to Austin or they're going to go to Nashville or Denver.

[A]

That's going to do so good for kill Tony.

[B]

Okay, okay. All right. Then you're gonna have this thing where it's like, okay, I want to rebuild. I want to. I want to live again in the Palisades or I want to live again in Malibu. Beachfront Malibu stuff. And, you know, people are going really? And like, yeah, I want to do it. So then what will happen is, first of all, I think the value of this actual property has to go down. It'll be like, you know, so you'll go, oh, I can get in for less. And then what's going to happen is they're going to go, okay, how much? What are you going to spend on this house? Right? And let's just say you're like, I'm willing to spend, you know, $5 million on a house to be there. They're going to be like, cool. So you're going to do about $3 million of what you thought you were going to spend on your home. And then $2 million are going to be in fire retardant products and builds. And so that industry will explode. You know, you're going to have. I think it'll be. First of all, I think they're going to pass laws where it'll be illegal to have bushes and trees, anything like that in these areas. It'll just be like, yeah, we don't do that anymore. There is no such thing as landscapes. It'll be like rocks. It's just going to be like rocks and things that look nice but that aren't actually brush. And then I think homes there are going to be like concrete homes and stone homes. It's like, it's the logical thing. And they're going to. This industry of like the. There's that spray that some places have. Have done before that, I assume, is very expensive. They'll, you know, they'll be like, yeah, we're going to build your house, and we're going to do this spray and sprays. Fucking $300,000 or some crazy amount of money. And then people will have to make the decision of whether they want to do it or not, because there's no way they're just going to be like, yeah, throw up your wood house again. It's just. It's not. They're just not going to do it. And of course the insurance industry is going to be sent bent over sideways.

[A]

There's. In Tampa after the hurricane. My. My dad's got a buddy whose son who. Whose son has a really nice house in a really nice area right on the water. And it's gone. It's. It's totaled. And he wants to rebuild, but he can't. They're not letting him rebuild in that lot that he owns because. Cause it's gotta be that. You can't just do ground level anymore. You gotta go up a story, so you gotta put a house on stilts. It's crazy. Here's the thing that I've been wrestling with, and I don't know the right way to say this, and I want everyone to understand that these fires are happening last night. So, like, I'm still processing it, and everything I ever say is meant to be funny or at least start comedy or at least dive deeper into the thing, right? There is a thing that happens. There's a rubber necking. Like when you see an accident on the freeway and you see everyone slowing down, you're like, what the fuck? Why are they slowing down? It's an accident. Someone's having the worst day of their life. Why the fuck do they need to slow down and look at it? But then when you get up to it, you're like, well, what did happen? And you look at it, and despite everyone believing they're better than the person in front of them, you're just as bad. Tom, I'm so glad you said that, because this is horrible, but I thought there is going to be beachfront probably property available in Malibu. Like, people will jump on this for sure. It's the most coveted real estate and everywhere. And so what I did. And this is horrible. I'm omitting this, but, like, I looked on Zillow, everything south of Dukes was gone. Yeah, I went on Zillow and I started looking at what was already for sale. And there's a house for like 6.5 million, 3,000 square feet. Beautiful. Gorgeous. It's gone. It's gone. That person who owns that house still has to pay that $6 million mortgage on that house.

[B]

Yeah, they do.

[A]

And they're trying to unload it, and now they'll. They're not getting 6 million. They're upside down on it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So now someone will jump in.

[B]

You know, there'll be insurance stuff. There's going to be people who, like, in that area. Of course people can afford. Because. Because, like, you get in most places where you. Where it's not like fire zone stuff, you. You have your fire insurance, which is kind of part of your protection of your. All your property. But in. In heavy fire zone places, what happens for people that don't know is they go, here's all your home protection insurance. We're not covering fire. That's a separate policy. And if you're talking about a home that's worth 6 or 10 or 20, dude, those insurance policies are insane. Now people can afford to do it, but it's. It's a crazy, crazy expense. So some of those people for sure had that great coverage, and they'll have the money to pay off that mortgage, but then they have to go, like, well, what am I going to do? You know? Like, now I have, like, I have to do something. I don't have a house anymore.

[A]

It's. It's weird because I was trying to explain this to Leanne last night. We're watching it. I'm having a glass of wine, by the way. Packed go bags. Packed go bags.

[B]

Yeah. Smart.

[A]

All right, I'm going to tell you something, and this is going to blow your mind. Okay, so did you.

[B]

Did you send an offer yet on that property that burned down?

[A]

No. No. There is a part of me that. There is a part of me that goes, man, it would. There is part of me, sadly, that says, wow, I do have a little money. I wonder if I want to move to the Palisades after this. You know, like, there's like, there is a. A part of your brain that goes, see that? Yeah, I. Dude, it's. Well, then I was. And then I was like, I'm going to have to drive all the way to Culver City to get groceries because everything's gone.

[B]

Everything's gone.

[A]

You need to change.

[B]

Here's what's crazy. It really is. And you'll have a, you know, a front row seat. It's going to change the landscape of Los Angeles for a while. Like, that is. That's.

[A]

We're not even talking, like, Pasadena. Altadena. Altadena is, for lack of better words, there is a. A celebration of rich people getting what they deserve. You know, in America.

[B]

It's insane. It's.

[A]

It's insane. It's. It's insane to me that we all want and strive to have wealth and, and, and safety and security. And then we look at people that do have that, and when they lose it, you're like, good. That's what they get. It's disgusting to me.

[B]

It's gross.

[A]

But. And now. But having said that, people in Altadena are very modest lifestyles. Those are. Those are our grips. Are the. The guys that built Hollywood, the guys that make the movie, that actually make the movie and dress you. My stylist, Jennifer May Nichols, lost everything. Lost her entire house. Everything.

[B]

I have multiple friends who live in Altadena or Pasadena who lost their homes.

[A]

My agent lost his home. His family lost their home. And, and, and those are. Those are not Billy Crystal. You know, everyone's like, I wonder if he brought his Emmys with him and his Golden Globes. And you're like, no, he lost his house too. What? Billy Crystal lost everything. Really lost everything. And, And, And. And a lot of. I mean, and those are Palisades. Palisades is big money. That is where you make good money. You move to the Palisades, and it's absolutely gorgeous. Yeah, it's Altadena, by the way. That's where regular people, like, that's where Leanne and I looked in Altadena when we were looking to buy a house. Steve Byrne lived in Altadena with his family. Steve Rannazisi lived in Altadena with his family. Like, that's where, like, if you can. If you can afford a house for like, 700,000, a million dollars, that's where you'd move. And I know those are wild numbers, but this is la. Things are different. Everything's expensive, but those all burn down. 17,000 acres. And so. But the. I forget the point of what I was saying.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now here's the here's what I was trying to explain to you earlier. There's a thing about rubbernecking where you kind but remember, I'm trying to talk candidly and openly about it and I may say some wrong things.

[B]

You do.

[A]

But where you watch the news and you see Altadena and you see the Palisades and you know, it's so far away from you that you're almost watching out of like curiosity. Out of like, yeah. Like whoa, that's wild. And then you Don't. It doesn't register with you. It doesn't hit you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then Runyon Canyon caught on fire. And I was like, whoa, that's close. Yeah. And then it becomes real. And then, and then all of a sudden this thing you've been watching the whole time becomes very intimate to you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like. And I was like, whoa. And then this side of the hill caught on fire down by, down by Whitsit and Ventura that caught on fire. And, and by the way, I think they're starting the fucking fires because there's no way embers from Runyon could have gotten to there. That was a fire that had to be started.

[B]

You still think?

[A]

I think it's probably Antifa or blm. Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy because I remember you were telling me that you're like, don't say this on Mike. But yeah. No, that's nuts, man.

[A]

No, it's Anthony Jeselnik fans.

[B]

It's. It is crazy that people would start and, and people who are starting, they also feel like once this many fires are going, they're like, it, start another one. If you're, if you're of that mindset. Yeah, start another one.

[A]

Well, there's a lot of kids that are like, it, kill all CEOs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There are idiots that work in this office that thought that was a great idea.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Do you know what they said to me, the CEO of this company? Yeah, kill all CEOs. And I went, huh? And they're like, fuck them. And I was like, that's the, that's the generation. You get a 28 year old kid and they just, they go, they're like, I think, they just don't think making money is possible. You know, like America is kind of.

[B]

Well, that is a big thing. That is a big thing. A difference between now and like the 1950s, let's say in the 1950s, the big thing that kind of everybody bought into was hope. You, you had hope that you could get a house, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, that you could get a good job, that you could work it. That you'd have a nice pension and that you'd have a nice life. And one thing that's eroded over the last 70 years is the idea that everybody has hope. People just don't. They don't see that anymore. They just go, no, you just work to fucking catch up on some bills that you never catch up on. And so, yeah, fuck people who have found a way to have that. Because I don't have it. And there's a lot of people that think that way. And I understand why, why you would think that way.

[A]

I remember, I mean, I'll be very candid. I remember going to parties when I was married with Georgia and Isla and go to. Going to parties of people my age and they had like a two million dollar house and being like hopeless and being like, how the did they do this?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

And I'm asking like questions like, so where. What does your dad do? Like, how did you get. I don't like.

[B]

I remember too. I remember when we lived in. We were renting a place in Silver Lake and seeing like an open house. And we're in Silver Lake. Silver Lake, for people that don't know, is the east side of Los Angeles. It's kind of a trendy hipster neighborhood. It used to be like a dicier neighborhood that kind of became gentrified, but it's kind of like a cool, you know, Williamsburg type of neighborhood in Los Angeles. And we're living there, you see like open house and you pull over, you just take like the flyer and, you know, we're renting a place. I'm working the road 45 weeks a year and you see the flyer and it's like $1.2 million. And you're like, what? Like, how the fuck would I ever buy a house? Like, that was just the thought. I guess we'll just. I guess maybe in a dreamland. Like, how is this possible? This isn't.

[A]

I'll be renter for the rest of my life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

By the way, I gotta say, the funniest phone call I got last night, was it from maybe like 10:00 at night? Maybe 10? No. Maybe. No. It was probably like 7.

[B]

Was it Michael Winslow? And he did a bunch of sounds and stuff.

[A]

You're in the right. You're in the right area. Oh, yeah, Dice.

[B]

Oh, Dice is so great.

[A]

Dice is a. Hey, where are these fires? You know, I'm about to do a Dice impression.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, Dice. Yeah. Hey, Dice. You know.

[B]

Hey, yeah, it's uncanny. I feel like he's right in front of me. Go ahead.

[A]

But Dice is, you know, Dice is a dad and he's. His kids are here and he knows I'm a dad and he knows that, you know, we know each other. And he's like, he's like, ask him where the fire is telling me where his sons are. And he's like, if, you know, like in a real moment of passion, he goes, and I'm Dice. I'M sorry if I'm oversharing. It made me laugh so hard. He goes, if my boys need some help, can you take care of them? And I said, of course, Dice. I go, yeah, you need me to go get them and pick them up or something? And he goes, Bert, they're 34 and 32.

[B]

I go.

[A]

He goes, these fucking idiots. They won't fucking leave the house. It just made me laugh so hard because I only remember them when they were kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I just figured they're still kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll go in a house scared by themselves. They're grown men. 30 children at that age.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dice is. You never stop being a dad. And Dice man was all night texting me and calling me, checking on the fires. He was freaking out, man. I was freaking out, too. Isla was losing her mind.

[B]

Is she at college right now?

[A]

She's at college. So we. I got. This is the thing that fascinated me. I'm curious to know. So I didn't see this out of me. So we. So Runyon catches on fire. We send everyone home. Like, everyone go home. Everyone gets safe. By the way, Sarah's got to drive over the hill. She's got to drive over the hill by. On Laurel Canyon, Tom by the fucking fire. And gets rear ended on her way there because no one's. Everyone's driving. Like, it's Armageddon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fucking Hollywood Boulevard, bumper to bumper. People leave their cars. I mean, fucking chaos. It's chaos in Hollywood. I cancel my set at the store.

[B]

That's a big deal.

[A]

They close the store.

[B]

Is that on the news? Oh, they closed the store. Okay.

[A]

So we go home and Leanne says, hey, are we gonna pack go bags? Cause, you know, you never know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All these things that I thought were very valuable in my house, like the trees. I love the trees by my house. That's why I bought that house, is the trees. It makes you feel like you're not in LA now. Those are Tinder boxes waiting to go up. I'm like, these trees going, what's in the go.

[B]

Did you put passports?

[A]

Okay. Passports, cash, guns. And that's. And that's. That's all that's in the go bag right there.

[B]

Watches.

[A]

Hold on. So then Leanne says, what? What. What's valuable to you? And I said, I don't know. She goes, go room to room and see what's valuable to you. And so I'm like, I'm a really sentimental guy and you know how sensitive I am. I'm like, this is gonna. I Go, babe. I shouldn't even look in the rooms because I'm gonna take everything. She was like, no, go room to room. I'm gonna go room to room. She goes up to the girls rooms. She texts the girls. Isla writes back, grab all my lamps.

[B]

We're like, what lamps?

[A]

I love my lamps. And make sure to get all my clothes, my shoes, my. And we're like, what the fuck? Isla wanted everything. Yeah. Isla wanted everything out of her room. And then I was like, what about your cat? She was like, dad, of course. Bring my cat. And so I go room to. Leanne gets, like, their. Like, like, gets all our pictures, gets our. Our hard drives of all the childhood, you know, videos we have. She gets. Leanne got so all her jewelry, everything. I went room to room, Tom. I didn't want anything in that house. I didn't want anything in that house.

[B]

I went room to room because they don't mean anything to you.

[A]

Nothing, Nothing, nothing. And I. And I went. And I said, well, I should get my watches, just because it's money, you know? Yeah, it's money. It's. But I was like, did you get.

[B]

The box, by the way?

[A]

What box?

[B]

The watch box. The watch case?

[A]

No. Wait, maybe. Did you send me one?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was that you that sent it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let me check with Leanne. I think it was. Yeah, I think. I think she thought it was someone else. Hold on. That was you that sent that?

[B]

Yeah. Remember, we had a conversation, and I was like, it's better when you can see them.

[A]

My wife, you know, we started couples therapy yesterday.

[B]

I did not. No. You know we're on a podcast right now, right?

[A]

I don't care.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

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[A]

So, wait, we started Couples Theory in a good place. We're like. Like, we weren't fighting, and we were like, yo, we should be in couples therapy just to make sure we get in front of anything because we're by ourselves, no kids. And I totally won. I won the first one.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That's killed it. I killed it, Tom. I killed it.

[B]

That's not how that's supposed to go.

[A]

I destroyed. I won so hard. I won so hard.

[B]

Did you get the therapist to go.

[A]

Shook her. I shook her. She was awful. She was like, like, you know when you. When you cross over someone and they're like, break their ankle. That was the end of therapy.

[B]

Wow. Congratulations. That's awesome. Anyway, you thought the. Who'd you think it came from?

[A]

Leanne thought we bought it. Leanne said, oh, you know what this is? We bought this.

[B]

There's a card in there.

[A]

I gotta. I'm bringing this up in couples therapy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Well, hey, by the way, I love that. I love that box.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I love it. I really do love it. I can see the watches. And I. And it's. I really love it. And I. By the way, because of that, I now will switch out watches on different days. And I never would have ever done that. I would just put a watch on and just leave the rest in the closet.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

But so I was like, I'm going to grab watches for my go bag. And then I was like, guns. I'll get my guns. I got. Grab my guns. And then I was. I was high one time at Home Depot, and I was like. I was like. I was like, you know what I'm going to buy? I'm going to buy these, like, crazy panel lamps that are, like 20,000 aluminums or whatever. Yeah. And I'm gonna get a chainsaw just in case goes sideways. I. And I grabbed those. My shotgun, my chainsaw, and my. And my panel lamps, and I was like, grab my medication. And that's it. That's it.

[B]

That's a go bag.

[A]

There's nothing in this house that I want to take with me. And then it was.

[B]

Is the bag like, by the door. Like, do you, like, leave it by the door or what?

[A]

Yeah, no, I just left it by the fireplace. Well, ironically, but I left it by the fireplace. And I was like, all right, if. If we need to go, we got it. We can take it. We can bounce.

[B]

I can't believe I got to get the fuck out of here. I don't know what I'm doing here, dude.

[A]

I was. I was jealous. I was jealous that I didn't, you know, a long while ago. This is why we're looking at houses in Nashville right now, is my business manager said to me, you know, you might want to diversify, you know, your properties. And I was like, what do you mean? Like, I don't know. Your houses are, like, a couple blocks from each other. Like, if something happens to, you know, one of the houses might happen the second house, like an earthquake. And I was like, I don't understand. And then I very quickly understood what he was saying is I was like, oh, my God. If something happens to this house, it's happening to this house. The only thing I really, really, really, really, really wanted was my tour bus. Like, that was the one thing I was like, I would. I could get in that tour bus and leave tomorrow and not have to pack a boat go bag. Just grab my shotgun and my chainsaw couple. Put a watch on the other wrist and bounce.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Give Ron a watch to make sure he drives a tour bus.

[B]

Calm up. Yeah. Because like, a king.

[A]

Because, you know, Ron's bringing his sisters.

[B]

I haven't heard anything about violence yet, because sometimes disasters, you know, trigger people in a way. But, like, having. Having protection is a good idea. Like, you have gun? Yeah.

[A]

Do I got an AK47 shotgun.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And two pistols and a bow and arrow. And I have a bunch of knives and a machete and a chainsaw.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I will. I will. If someone tried to loot my house.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I will take them captive. I will take them captive and bring them to the basement, and they'll be my treat. Every time I feel bad or like, I read something negative on the Internet, I'll go down and torture them. I. I think. I think crazy things the other. A lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Especially in, like, moments of disaster where I go, you know, hearing, like, you know, my agent lost his house, and. And the idea that, like, that, like. Like, that is. His kids have none of their.

[B]

Yeah, it's really sad, man.

[A]

Like, they have none of their. Like, it. It's just. It's one thing to move and to, like, kind of Clean up your house and stuff. But to.

[B]

Where were they?

[A]

So you have nothing.

[B]

They were in Altadena.

[A]

Pasadena and Pasadena. And. And it's just like. It's heartbreaking. And then think. I mean, you just start looking at your stuff. You're like, so I lose all my cars, right? All my cars are gone. I still got to pay the note on them. My house is gone. My other house is a block away. That's gone. My tour bus is gone. My podcast studio is gone. Like. Like, wow, this is really.

[B]

Would you seriously. Would you move to Nashville?

[A]

Is that what you would do if everything burned here?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know. I'd probably. I know what I immediately do is I'd move into your guest house in the back.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

I would absolutely move into your guest house.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I. And I'd sell it to Netflix a new comedy series called Uncle Bert. And I'd raise your boys.

[B]

The boys still are like, remember when Fat Sticks was here? And I'm like, yeah, I bet I.

[A]

Wouldn'T even recognize them right now.

[B]

Now you wouldn't. They've grown so much since you saw them last.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you gonna let them play football?

[B]

Of course. I'm straight, dude. I'm not gonna. Yeah, I have zero hesitation about that.

[A]

The.

[B]

I'm wanting this. I'm encouraging it. I'm also being like, hey, what? You know, you like. You like roblox. You want more Robux? Play football. Some real benefits. There's a lot of bonuses.

[A]

I wished both my girls had played more sports. And then one time, Georgia goes, I only played softball to connect with you. And I went, oh, God.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would.

[A]

I would. I never liked. I never liked it, dad.

[B]

If my kid. When my kids get to, like, middle school, high school age, if they're like, yeah, I'm thinking about playing, you know, football or whatever, I'll be like, how's 10 grand sound right now? For real? And if they're like, what? I'll be like, I'll give you $10,000 if you sign up. And if you don't, I'll. I'll take something away from you.

[A]

Be like Sean Payton and create bounties on people.

[B]

My dude. You know, my dad told me that when I was going to college, when I was like, I'm done with football, he was like, if you get a scholarship somewhere, I will give you that amount of money. I was like, really serious.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

That's how much you wanted me. But I understand it now. I'll be like, I Would definitely do the same thing.

[A]

Yeah, it gives you something to look forward to. I used to love going to softball games. Of course, it was awesome. And then, and then when it stopped, I was like, I remember, man, that was the biggest fight George and I ever got into. Like knock. She quit softball during the pandemic. They weren't even playing, Tom. They weren't even playing. They weren't even practicing. She was on the team. I said, you're going to be a four year lettered athlete. You're not going to play another game of softball. She goes, I'm quitting. And I was like, you're not quitting. I'm telling you right now, we don't quit in this family. You're not quitting. She was like, I'm quitting. She was 15, 6, 15 years old, cuz. She's just like, you're not quitting. And she quit and sent the coach a letter, was like, I quit. And then the coach reached out and I was like, I lost my. That's the one thing you don't get is like girls at like 15. Every child, every father that has a 15 year old deal daughter is dealing with a right now. They suck so bad. They suck so bad.

[B]

You know, I got to say, you're totally accurate. I, I mean we both had two sisters too. And I remember that era like when each of them got basically like late middle school, like 13, 14, like they both turned into such monsters. And it doesn't taper off for a few years. They really were monsters.

[A]

Oh, they were. It was brutal. I mean it was George and I thank God. When she went to college, I think she, being away from me, she realized how much I loved her. I don't know, whatever reason, the first time I went up for like a parents weekend, we were back, it was like old school Georgia. And I was like, thank God. But it was years through high school.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it was so tough, dude. I remember I was just talking to another dad about this the other day. I forget who, but I was like, yeah, it's. And it brought back like psycho ex boyfriend energy out of me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where I was like, I was like, you know when you're getting cheated on and you can feel it and you're like something's happening and then you. And then you start acting even crazier and then they want nothing to do with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was how my relationship with Georgia. I remember one time saying to Leanne, I go, I got to pretend like I'm just not that into her. Leanne's like, what the.

[B]

I can also already picture how as Georgia now ages, like, when she's like, 28, you're going to be like, remember what a you were when you were.

[A]

You're going to bring it up all the time.

[B]

She's going to be like, huh? You'll be like, you sucked.

[A]

You know what? The coolest. I think I've told you this. You know the coolest thing. It's so funny. We're driving her to school, me and Leanne, and she goes. She, like, looks at me and she goes, yo, you know Duncan Trussell? And I was like, yeah. She was like, how long have you known him? I was like, I've known him probably since you were a little girl. Since we moved in. That's when I met Duncan. She was like, hold on. I can't believe you know my favorite podcaster. And I was like, you like Duncan? She's like, dad, I'm obsessed with him. And I got such cool credit points because I was friends with Duncan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like. I was like. She was like, hold on, what's he like? And I was like, he's. And then we listened to his podcast together. I go, what made you think this? She goes, he was doing an episode with Natasha Leggero. Do you know Natasha? And I was like, yeah, Georgia, of course I know Natasha. She goes. And your name came up. And, dad, I have never been more freaked out in my life. I had to hit pause and go, what? What happened? Like, I can't. She goes, I couldn't. I was afraid they were going to trash you. And then I couldn't, like, my favorite podcaster anymore.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I was like. And it was. I know it was crazy, but it was. They were talking about Natasha taking her shirt off on stage.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you were there that day.

[A]

Yeah. She was like, did that really happen? And I went, yeah. She was like, wait, wait, hold on. And then we listened to Duncan's podcast together, and George is like, dad, he is so smart. I was like, yeah, he's wildy.

[B]

He's very. Yeah, yeah, he. Now, my kids are always like, do you know Mr. Beast? And I'm like, I mean, no, I know. I know people that know him. And they're like, oh, that'd be cool. Do you know Elon Musk? I'm like, you know? And they're like, that'd be fucking cool. Do you know Donald Trump? I'm like, well, for fuck's sake. Like, could you get somebody a little fucking lower on the list?

[A]

Donald Trump. I had a gig come to me and goes, one of our family friends, he's like, came up and he's like, new comedy, right? He's like, yeah. And he's like, do you know Tony Hinchcliffe? And I was like, yeah. He's like, you need to get on Kill Tony. I was like, thanks, thanks. I was like, I'm on it. And he's like, what? I said, I've been on it. And he's like, no. And I said, no, I have. And he goes, no, like, as a comic. And I went, wait, you want me to do one minute on Kill Tony? And he was like, yeah, dude, it'll really help your career. And I was like, will it? I was like, cool. I was like, I've been on the panel. I think that's better. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no. Those comics, they're the best comics in the world. Trust me. That would help you out. And I was like, thank you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, just so you know, I just comped tickets to the arena for your parents that I was at, but it doesn't matter.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's a big show, man. A lot of. A lot of stuff happening.

[A]

Same kid. This is the best. Okay, if you. This is the best thing I've ever done. On accident. That made me laugh hysterically. That same kid, I want to give him a shout out, because I love. He's just. He's. He's a fun kid. We met when Leanne and I and the girls were in Italy. His family happened to be in Italy. And we all met up, okay. And they were going to take a huge tour through the Amalfi Coast. This kid has got to be, like, 13 years old, okay? Maybe 14 years old. And he was. We were looking at, like, the horrible touristy hats, and one of the hats was covered in pot leaves. And he was like, my parents would never let me have that hat. And I was like, fuck him. I'll buy it for you. He was like, for real? And I was like, yeah. It is the dumb. It's like a black and just green pot leaves all over the hat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I buy it for him. Two weeks later, his mom texts me, and she goes, you ruined our vacation. What? She goes, every picture we have of us on the Amalfi coast, my son is wearing this horrible pot leaf.

[B]

You made the vacation.

[A]

I could not stop laughing. And then she sent me pictures, and it's them, like, on a beautiful boat, their whole family, Everyone looks great. And he's got this Black pot leaf. I want to make a shirt, Tom. I want to make a shirt for two bears that we sell that you buy for your family's kid. That's cool as shit. It's a coveted shirt, but you buy for someone in someone's family when they go on vacation and they wear that shirt and ruin every picture.

[B]

It should be pot leaves. That is the dumbest shit you can buy. Like, just covered in pot leaves.

[A]

Covered in pot leaves.

[B]

It should be two bears with reggae fucking rasta hair, like, dreads and. And just pot leaves everywhere. Just absurd.

[A]

It's so funny. Every picture they're in, Tom, they're in, like, there's one where they're all on a boat. They must have, like, rented a boat for the day. And they're all in white linen. Even the kid, and he's got this pot le hat on.

[B]

I bought. I bought an El Chapo hat. Like, it's just. It's just a hat of El Chapo in his face. And there's people who would be like, the. Are you wearing that for? I'm like, that's dumb. I just got it. But I think we could do a whole line of El Chapo stuff. There's no way anybody has, like, estate rights on that. Like, they don't care. We should just do all cartel guys. Like a cartel line. Escobar, El Chapo, the Arelado, Felix brothers.

[A]

Oh, just like a line of clothing to ruin pictures.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For like a. We make a Christmas shirt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's just a horrible Christmas shirt that people just go, oh, I'm wearing that to the picture.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

That makes me laugh so hard. Isla was so bad at taking pictures when she was a kid. This. She would make these faces look. She would go. And I don't. I don't know why, but every one of our childhood pictures, she is making the most horrific faces.

[B]

Well, I'm glad there's another kid doing that because my 9 year old does that too. So every picture I'm like, can you just fucking smile? And he goes like. I'm like, okay. Like, this picture's horrible, man.

[A]

You guys. Have you guys done, like, a family photo?

[B]

It's been a few years. Yeah. It was really hard to get it. They were. They're both just insane. On something like that, especially. You just can't get Ellis to. No. Like, yeah, I'm sure we could do it, but it's. It's difficult. Yeah, we probably should.

[A]

That's. Maybe that's my goal is. My goal is to just buy stuff for your kids that you don't want them to have.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

That is like, like, that's the fun part. Like, I like, I bought, I bought my. I bought my nephew one time a drum set. Yeah. They're like, what, what the. We don't, we don't want him playing drums in the house.

[B]

You're like, by the way, do you do Christmas presents for your sisters and their families too?

[A]

Like, you know, not this year, but yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So like, we were doing like, you know, what do you want to get? That kind of thing. And you know, my sister be like, what should we send your boys? I'm like, well, you know, he likes Roblox, he likes cars. And then she's like, oh, yeah, you should get, you know, my daughter this. And then for my son who's 12, she's like, maybe like a sofa. And I'm like, I'm sorry, your 12 year old wants a sofa. That's what he was like. He was like, cause Santa bring me a sofa. And I'm like, oh, is this for your living room? She's like, nah, I just. It. We really would. He's. He really wants, he really wants this sofa from Restoration Hardware. I'm like, cool. That feels weird.

[A]

Oh. Oh my God. I have an uncle. I have an uncle who's going through some health issues. And I reached out to his daughter and I was like, hey, can I, you know, how can I help? Like, how can I help? Is there anything, you know, like, I can do? And she was like, yeah, you know what you could do is you could, you could remodel their bathroom.

[B]

Like so crazy.

[A]

Just. Yeah, just like a full remodel. And if you really want, their kitchen could use it too. And I was like, yeah, you want me to remodel their house?

[B]

Yeah, dude, you asked to help, right? Don't you want to help? And now my mom, who's I'm so used to everyone knows this about her, but she's like traveling with us over the holidays and she's like, I love.

[A]

Oh, is she getting her only fans?

[B]

We're, we're working on it. She's coming in next week. We're gonna be in studio with her and we're gonna really try to encourage it. I'm trying to show her how, you know, this could really help her out. So she doesn't want to fart on it, but I think we could probably work up to it. But she's going to do hopefully. Morning greetings. And you know, to show you what she's doing during her day. I think she could get a nice little following going. But she's like, I love your backpack. And I go, thanks. She's like, can I have it? And I go, of course not. I just got it. It's mine. She's like, I love it. I go, I don't care. You're not doing this. And she's like, oh, it's so nice. And I go, you don't even use a backpack. I travel every week with this thing. And she's like, can I have a bag? You have so many bags. And I'm like, what the man? Like. And she's like, you do? And I'm like, yeah, I do. I have a lot of luggage because I travel for a living. So I go, fine, I'll give you a bag. You promise? I go, yeah, I promise. So I'm like, what kind do you want? And she's like, the one you carry. I'm like, a duffel bag? I go, you're 80. You're going to throw a fucking duffel over your shoulder? And she's like, yes. And I'm like, okay. So I give her one. And I'm like, here, you go. Here's a duffel. It's a nice duffel bag. And as I'm driving her, I'm like, you're not going to use that. And she's like, why? I go, because it's empty right now, right? Once you put shit in it, it's going to weigh like 30 pounds. You're going to lug a fucking bag around. And she's like, I think you are right. And I go, thank you. And she's like, I give it back to you. I'm like, yeah, that's not. You're not giving me something. It's mine. And she's like, do you have a different bag that has wheels that I can have? And I go, fine, I'll give you. She's like, but it's nice. Yeah, of course. I'm always like, you could just buy one of these. She's like. And then every time I say that, she's like, I don't have what you have. I don't have your income. And I'm like, yeah, but you act like you're destitute. Like you're. You're on welfare. You have. You could go buy a bag. No, I can't. If you don't want to give it to me, I just won't have a bag. And I'm like, okay, I have no bags. Yeah, she did that with. She did that with the phone. She goes, do you. What kind of phone is it? I'm like, it's an iPhone. You know what the fuck it is? And she's like, which one? I'm like, the latest one. And she's like, do you have one that maybe you don't use anymore that I could have? And I go, absolutely not. No. And she's like, well, I have the iPhone 11. And I go, great, go buy the fucking 16. No, I won't do that. And I go, okay, then stick with your fucking 11. And she's like, why can't you just give me one of your old phones? I go, because I'm not doing that. I throw them in fires. I just let them explode. So she's like, you throw them away? I go, yeah, computers. I break them in half and I throw them in a fire, so you can't have any of them. Why can't you go to the store and buy a phone? And she's just like, I. I'm not having this. Like, she's like, I. I won't spend that kind of money. I'm like, all right, then just stick to your 11. Like, I'm not doing that. I'm not buying you a phone. Go buy.

[A]

Is she full time. Is she full time in Austin now?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, she's in Austin.

[A]

How often do you see her?

[B]

I mean, lately it's been quite a bit. I mean, you know, a few times a week at least. You know, she's.

[A]

Does she knock on the door? Does she walk in?

[B]

Oh, no, no, no, no. She. She'll. She'll call. She's scared to drive. Like, you know, we pick her up or something, you know. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's. She's not. She's not just gonna.

[A]

And how often do you see your sister?

[B]

Usually around the same amount of time. A couple. A few times a week. Yeah, you know, a few times a week. I mean, but also, like, I'm back to touring again, so I'm gonna be gone a lot. I assume they'll be at the house a good bit on weekends that I'm gone to, you know, just to see the boys and. And be around. So they'll probably be at the house a good bit.

[A]

But yeah, I mean, it's crazy that your sister lives in Austin and, like, she's gotta, like, start a life in Austin.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to. I'm introducing her to people and, you know, she'll get her work stuff going. But I think she's gonna.

[A]

Like, if you could get. If you could have. If you could hook your dog, your sister up with one comic, would it be. How old is she?

[B]

35 something, late 30s? Yeah. I don't know.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

I think it's. It's a pretty horrible thing to do to her, you know, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I always tell, like, when I meet people, and they're like, oh, you should. Don't you have any friends for this single woman? I'm like, I. I would not do that to you. You. You deserve better. Like, the comedians are not who you want to be dating.

[A]

No, I would never.

[B]

They're such horrible people, most of them.

[A]

You know that coming from a comedian. Comedian, marriage.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, but. But like most comics, I'm like, yeah, dude, you don't want this. You really don't. Yeah, there's a. There's a really a small group that I would. I mean, I would actually have a hard time coming up with that list.

[A]

Yeah, I can't imagine. I can't think of one comic where I go, well, like, Bobby Lee would be someone I'd set someone up with.

[B]

Yeah, well, that makes sense. I love Bobby.

[A]

I love Bobby.

[B]

I don't think.

[A]

I saw him the other day, and he was like, he. He is just. He is always. Always on. He's always funny.

[B]

He's so funny. And I. I texted him about the other night. I go, are you. Are you safe? And he's like, yeah, I have a bag packed and all this. I go, well, don't wait. Like, just leave.

[A]

He's like, oh, it was right by his house. Yeah.

[B]

He goes, you do care about me. He goes, okay, I think I'm gonna leave now. I go, good. Like, I. I hate when people the same thing when. When her. You know, because we lived through so many hurricanes, and people were like, I'm just gonna see how this goes. I go, you see the trajectory? It's on the news. Like, just go. Leave.

[A]

The first call I got was Ms. Pat. I was the first person to call.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And then, yeah, Ms. Pat called. Called at, like, 7:00 when. When Runyon called on fire. She was like. You could tell she was. I think she was getting ready for bed. She was like, how you doing, baby? I was like, good. I was like, we're fine. And I told her, you know who's funny? You know who reached out to Leanne?

[B]

Who?

[A]

Dave Attell.

[B]

Attel did.

[A]

Attel texted Leanne this morning. He's like, I'm worried about you guys. Are you safe?

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I was like. He just. I was like, that's how bad my replying to texts are, that no one even text me. He's not gonna reply.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Adam. Adam Ray called me first thing in the morning. Yesterday there was a fire. Like, I mean, not even, like, not even a quarter of a mile from my sister's house, but a mile from where Adam and I live. And Adam Ray called and was like, hey, do we need to evacuate? I was like, what? Cause I thought we were totally safe. And he was like, there's a fucking fire by the. By sepulveda in the 101 or sepulveda in the 405. And I was like, holy shit. And I started freaking out and I called my sister and I was like, are you evacuating? And she's like, I just ordered Postmates. I was like, why didn't you just make a cup of coffee? And she's like, I wanted a coffee with a lid on it.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, I checked on. I've checked on a bunch. I checked on all my Christian friends first and then kind of worked down through the other denominations. But yeah, I wanted to make sure that. You know what I mean, that everybody.

[A]

Do you ever think it's crazy that, like, that, like, Muslim people picked one outfit and then stuck with it?

[B]

You mean like the hijab or. What are you talking about?

[A]

Whatever. The. I mean, the robe.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I think it's for so long.

[B]

But it's good in that climate because it's a Middle Eastern wear. Right.

[A]

Like, that's crazy that, like, they've never.

[B]

That hasn't evolved, has it?

[A]

Like, it's just one thing. It's almost like they go, this is perfect.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You can't.

[B]

Here's the thing. It kind of is. You ever worn one?

[A]

What? I have and I love them.

[B]

Oh, my God. It's like, you understand why. Why guys wear dresses too? Because letting your nuts hang and feeling that breeze come up. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I've. I would love. I would love if that. I mean, it's kind of a no brainer if America just was like, because everyone wants to go towards socialism anyway, but if we just start with clothing, it's like the ultimate equalizer. Everyone looks the same.

[B]

The North Koreans are good at that. There's only like a few outfits you're allowed to wear, and there's only like six haircuts you can have, you know?

[A]

For real?

[B]

Yeah. You ever seen the. The North Korean Barbara list? So if you go get a haircut in Pyongyang or anywhere in North Korea. There's like six and there you. You pick one. Like that's it. You have one way. That's it. Clothes is pretty much the same. You just wear like one of a few shirts or jackets. That's it. You just.

[A]

That's fucking brilliant. Wait, what would. What would. What could we do in America?

[B]

They have a lot of like, oh.

[A]

This is our uniform.

[B]

Well, I mean, our uniform. It feels like maybe. I feel like what's very American is old western stuff. So, like cowboy shit. Wouldn't that be like the American standard? That'd be a good standard.

[A]

Like cowboy boots, jeans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

T shirt or college shirt.

[B]

Yeah, that's blue or white. You know, there's not like a lot of color variation. It should be like. Yeah, white tee, blue button down, collared shirt, jeans, boots.

[A]

It would be fun if they did it regionally. So like, just like we have the conferences in college football, so if you're like an sec guy, you got to wear khakis and a collared white shirt.

[B]

They fucking already do do that. They adhere to that. Those. All those southeastern boys, all the dipshits you see going to games on Saturdays and they're. That are pledging or whatever. They always look like tools. They always have on that same fucking goofy ass. Yeah, it's like a country club outfit. It's like blazer khakis. Right. And they're there with their little side piece. Who's in it?

[A]

Yeah, there kind of already is uniforms a little bit for where you live. If you look at Brooklyn, it's like like those cargo pants that are up to like, they're like high waters with like boots and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then a sailor's cap. And like, they look like longshoremen, but they don't really do actual physical labor.

[B]

The hipster outfit. Yeah, yeah. Hipster mustaches. But here's the thing. There's already too much variation for this. You know, you got. You're going to do it North Korean style. You got to pick like three looks. I think there's like, that is way too. You got to tell the. That hipster guy to fucking clean it up. No more of that shit.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, get rid of.

[B]

You know what they would like?

[A]

What?

[B]

They would like the fucking. The onesie. Like a onesie should be an option. Like the. Like a janitor onesie. You know what I mean? Like the zip up in the back and it. Because. Because some hipsters will wear that kind of thing. That could be one of the selections. You're allowed to wear one of those in a muted color.

[A]

I like that. I like that. Maybe Muslims. I just found out Islam is the religion. Muslim is the people. I just learned that the other day.

[B]

When you just learned the other day.

[A]

I was. I was. I was watching a documentary on Constantinople.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they kept saying interchangeably Islamic and Muslim. And I was like, wait, which is. Which is like.

[B]

Is the religion. Yeah.

[A]

Islamic people are people that follow Islam. Muslim people are also people that follow Islam.

[B]

Muslims are practitioners of Islam. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But I was like. I was kind of blown away by, like, the. The fact that they picked one outfit and they stuck with it and that when they go out as boys, they're all wearing the same thing. Like, that's kind of wild. It's like going to a football game.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're like, oh, okay. We're all wearing the same color.

[B]

We're all have this jersey on. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

We're all gonna wear the same jersey. And then if you're not wearing our jersey, we're gonna fucking kill you.

[B]

Yeah. And they do do that.

[A]

That's cool. Islam is like a Dodgers game.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. They're like, if you're a Giants fan, we're gonna beat you to death. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's pretty cool.

[A]

And so I was. But I was like. I was like, I wonder if that takes. I wonder what that does. I wonder what. When you take clothing out of the. Out of the. The spectrum of personality, I wonder what that does.

[B]

It definitely does something, because clothing is totally an into of an individual kind of expression. Right. Like, that's the thing is clothing gives you the option to present yourself in the way you want to present yourself to the world. It has an impact. Like somebody in a suit and tie, you perceive differently a thousand percent than you do in fucking tracksuit. Right. Like, you just do. So it's nice to take away that freedom and individuality from people, and that's kind of what the North Koreans have done. And I think what you're saying, it'd be cool if we do it here in America. Yeah, I like it. Yeah.

[A]

I like it a lot. I like it a lot. You could do jeans and T shirts would be one option.

[B]

Okay. Jeans and T shirt onesie. Like, zip up, you know, and.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cowboy outfit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What should you be allowed to wear a suit? Because suits are kind of.

[A]

Suits got to be a thing.

[B]

You got four options.

[A]

But here, once you put on suits, you've. You've. You've established dominance in society.

[B]

True.

[A]

Like, that's the cool thing about. About Islam is, like, you can't wear jewelry. Like, you can't look feminine, wear gold. Gold. But you can't wear feminine jewelry. And gold's feminine.

[B]

Men.

[A]

That was the one you taught me that. That I was like, that blew me away.

[B]

Men can't wear gold. Muslim men can't wear gold. Muslim women can wear gold. And the reason that Muslim men can't wear gold is that it's. It's an old thing. I think it's in the Quran. It's about something to do with, like, fertility. So it's not really like, you know, it's just like, kind of like. I don't want to say like here. This is probably a better explanation than mine. Men can't wear what's considered an excessive adornment that could lead to vanity imitating women, displaying arrogance, going against the Islamic principle of modesty and simplicity based on interpretations of the Prophet's traditions rather than explicit Quranic verses. Okay. And if you hit the key points, the idea should be focused on inner strength and character. Yeah, okay. So I was taught something or explained something different. But yeah, okay, so it's about not. It's about appearing more modest. But I don't know why you'd want the women to appear not modest then. But. Yeah, well, they can wear anything but gold.

[A]

Now here's the question. They've only got one race of people over there. We've got like four. Yeah, we got black, Asian, white.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And Muslim.

[B]

Well, that's.

[A]

Yeah, okay, so Muslim people, if you're in this country, you got to go old school Muslim. You can only wear the. What is it called? That. That thing.

[B]

What is it called? What is the traditional.

[A]

What? Muslim men clothing. That's one thing. I got an offer to go play in Abu Dhabi. A winter collection. Wait, let me see the winter collection.

[B]

The thaw.

[A]

So they can. They can put on like a vest and.

[B]

Looks like it. Oh, yeah, those look good.

[A]

Or you can step up your game.

[B]

Yeah, those are nice. Still.

[A]

I would go straight white robe all the way to the fucking floor where I had every single day. And I'd put on a rose gold watch and keep it just to myself.

[B]

Would you. Would you do the wrap?

[A]

Yes, I would do the wrap. I would know. You know what I do? I do the. The Muammar Gaddafi. Just the. The yellow, the red tablecloth, smaller version with the. With the band around it.

[B]

Oh, that one. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I would rock. I would rock that. That's it. That's pretty by the way, I described that really good red tablecloth with a band on it. It's an Italian tablecloth.

[B]

What about the PLO style? The. What was the guy's name? What was the plo.

[A]

That's.

[B]

What was his name?

[A]

The guy from. Arafat.

[B]

Arafat, yeah. Arafat. What was Arafat?

[A]

Yeah. Let's see. Arafat. Let's see. Yeah.

[B]

Dude, that shit's tight.

[A]

That's badass.

[B]

He wore that forever.

[A]

That's almost like a Louis J. Gomez hat where he. He wears the cowboy hat, but it's curled up on the sides.

[B]

Also him with like, that. That on and the Ray Bans. That's a look, right?

[A]

That's a sick look. Yeah, dude. That's a sick look.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, dude.

[A]

One of the outfits we should allow in our country is. Is military greens. Military. Like you can wear military clothes.

[B]

One of my.

[A]

That's one thing.

[B]

Favorite jokes. Because, you know, people wear camo. All the camo is like fashion now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is like BJ Porter, this very funny writer, told me whenever he's in L. A and he goes like. Like, goes to, like, a Hollywood party and someone's wearing, like, a camo jacket, he'll just lean in and go, thank you for your service. And they're like, what? And they're just like, it's just a Jack. He's like, oh, sorry. I just. I thought. Thought it was from the. Your time in the military.

[A]

I think people underestimate how funny Hollywood writers are. Sitting with their.

[B]

It's painfully fun. They're. They're.

[A]

I was. I was with a writer at a. At a dinner party. This was. This had to be, I don't know, probably 10 years ago in Valley Village, where we used to live. And this guy came up with his boyfriend and he said, introduce himself. He's like, my name is Bill. This is my partner Mark. And the guy goes, oh, you guys are cops.

[B]

That's very funny.

[A]

Yeah. Made me laugh. But you look at, like, you know, like, you look at, like, Nikki Glazer took that picture with all her writers for the Globes.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

And I thought that was cool that she gave them credit because that was a monster performance.

[B]

I didn't see it. I heard about it. I heard that it was amazing.

[A]

She had type in Nikki Glazer Ben Affleck joke.

[B]

Oof. Was that a burp?

[A]

That was bad. That was bad. You're smell it. You're going to smell it.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

Nikki Glavezer's Ben Affleck joke was so good. But I thought it was cool that she, like, gave. When you saw that list of writers, the people that were in that writer's room. Yeah, dude, monsters. Monsters. The funniest human beings in Hollywood and in New York were in that fucking room. And I mean, I'm saying I looked at that. That thing, and I was like. I mean, the skill set Nikki has is to know how to get whatever they're saying in that room in her voice and make it hers and really deliver it and, like, own it on stage. And, I mean, she wildly went off script towards the end of her thing because the closer didn't work. And so she had to remember one of the other jokes they had in the room. Like, Nikki just. She destroyed. But I love that she gave credit to those writers because that writers room was the funniest fucking every one of those people. I was like, that person's made me cry laughing. That person's made me cry laughing. And I like that she, you know, gave them credit.

[B]

Well, one thing that's cool about this Nikki's kind of ascent is that she is a fucking grinder. She has. Nikki is somebody who has worked so hard and has done all the work. And, you know, you've. I've been seeing her, obviously, for years, like, just work the road. Work the road, get on stage, like, nightly, put out material. And then she just, you know, just obviously, like, became a better and better and better comedian and got opportunities and capitalized on them. So I think she's just somebody that, like, in comedy, people are genuinely happy for, because she's really just earned everything that she's got right now. She's just. She's killed it.

[A]

She. Her last HBO Max special we watched with the girls, which maybe wasn't appropriate. They were young and it was a monster special. And then. And that is the truth is that she is someone that has gotten on stage every night. And when she gets a job like this, she does not let them down. She was like, I will be with the writers every day, five hours. I will be going on stage running these jokes at night. I will bring them with me. I'm going to take that. I mean, she takes it so seriously. She is a real fucking comic.

[B]

Like, real. Is this it?

[A]

Wicked Queer Night bitch.

[B]

These are not just women words Ben.

[A]

Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies. Like her pa. Her timing on that's perfect tonight.

[B]

Yeah, that's. It is always fun that the cutaways. Whether people laugh or are horrified, the cutaways are always great.

[A]

It was Benny Blanco. And Selena Gomez was a good one, too. But you could tell, like, you could tell that, like, Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez have heard that joke about them is that, you know, on paper, she looks. She's beautiful, and Benny's like a regular looking guy. And so, like, you could tell that they were like, I know where this is going, but it was still a great joke. It was.

[B]

She.

[A]

Her joke was, we want to thank Selena Gomez for being here. And Benny, Blanca would like to thank the genie that granted him that wish that he could date Selena Gomez.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

It was. It was awesome, man. She was. She's a monster. I'll be at the super bowl with her this year or the big game. I'll be at the big game with her this year. Me, Tony Hcliff, her and adam Ray as Dr. Phil and a special surprise guest. Let me know if you want to come.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Let me know if you want to come.

[B]

Awesome. Awesome. I'll be on tour this year, the whole year.

[A]

Are you on? Are you on for the whole year?

[B]

I'm on for the whole year. I'll be touring well right now through May, and then I'll announce fall dates. I'll take most of the summer off. I really enjoyed doing that Last year. Is like. Instead of just, like, pushing through, it is like, enjoying summer. You know, like, the boys are out of school.

[A]

It's. It's.

[B]

It's really, like a great time. So I'll take, like 90% of the summer off and then get back to it in the fall and then. Yeah, go through. Go through. Oh, there you go. There's your writers there.

[A]

That's. That's. Look at that writer's room.

[B]

Yeah. Strong.

[A]

Mike Lawrence not wearing a suit is Rich Voss's wife. Yeah, I like Rich Voss's wife instead of Bonnie McFarlane.

[B]

I'm sure she loves that.

[A]

That's a monsters. That's a monster.

[B]

Those are some of the greatest white voices working in comedy right there.

[A]

Wait, not one black guy?

[B]

Well, you said you wanted the best of the best, right? So there's. Oh, there is an Asian.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's diversity.

[A]

There's one Asian.

[B]

When my writers room was together, they were like, this is insane. People were telling me, they're like, this is insane to have so many white writers. And I was like, really? And they were like, yeah, dude, this is crazy. Really? Yeah, they were like. They were really, like, blown away by it. And I was like, this is who you sent me to interview? Why don't you send more people I mean, I didn't call these people up. You sent me people and said, meet these people.

[A]

Okay, There's. There's. There's an interesting. Being in a writer's room is so fun.

[B]

It's the best. It's the best.

[A]

It's just. It's the funnest. It is the funniest. It is all the kids in class that were funny as. All in one room, and there's no rules.

[B]

Yeah, it's cool. It's really cool.

[A]

But it makes you funnier.

[B]

It does. It elevates everything.

[A]

It elevates everything.

[B]

It elevates everything. There's no subs you get. It's like, what's better than a one funny person is 12, you know? Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like you get all these minds together, it makes everything better. A couple things. I have to pee and I have to get on a plane. I got to get out of here. Dude, this is crazy.

[A]

No. Hey, do me a favor. Take pictures. See that? Even. That's horrible. That I would say that is like, take pictures from the plane. That's almost like schadenfreuden of like, look how pretty all this. All this loss is, you know?

[B]

Here's what. Take it back. Don't say it, but just know that I will, okay? I can't control myself. I'll send you photos.

[A]

That is crazy that people flying in or taking pictures at, like, people's loss. People lost their lives.

[B]

No, I know.

[A]

People died, and people are like, that looks so cool.

[B]

Well, they also just can't believe how horrific it looks like a war zone.

[A]

Thing that bothered me the most is there is something in the Internet's taken over, okay? And I call it, for lack of better words, fucker in the pussy. Okay? It's that energy of fucker in the pussy of, like, news crews are down on Hollywood Boulevard. Runyon's on fire. And they're like, hey, can I talk to you for a second? And people are. Every individual is personally branding themselves or their product or their. Their promoting. Like, one lady with everyone. Everyone they interviewed was live on Instagram. They were live, right? So everyone wants to be their own news crew. Everyone's live. And then the lady would be like, hey, can you not look in your phone? And the woman just looks at her and she goes, I'm live right now. And the other lady's like, I'm on fucking tv. And she's like, yeah, but I'm live right now. One guy was like, yeah, this is crazy. It's so good. I Learned about this from PRC media. PRC Media was so good. And I've been following them, and they're so. I'm watching all this. One guy goes, this is the best. And this was the kicker. In the pussy or puncher in the whatever thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One. The one guy, they go. They go. He goes, what happened? She goes, there's fires. He goes, what? He's with her. He's clearly with her. She goes, yeah, there's fires. And he goes, how? She goes, I don't know. And he goes, wait, wait, wait.

[B]

We can show this one. I just sent it, so please show it.

[A]

Please show it.

[B]

Yeah, this for people didn't see this. This was great. This is great. He's like, wait, why are there.

[A]

Why are there fires?

[B]

You hear the news, right? But, yeah, this is great.

[A]

The lady on NBC last night clearly has never been to the Valley. Like, she has never been to the Valley. She's a Westsider. And she was like, fryman Canyons on fire. And everyone in our house was like, that's really fucking close. And she's like, alex Trebek's house is burned down. And I'm in my head. I was like, okay, hold on. Alex Trebek's house is torn down. When he died, they tore it down. And they're building houses on it. They're building multiple houses on that lot, and it's right next to Fryman Canyon. And I'm like, you. You got to know where the hell you're talking about. You're not talking about the right places. And then she goes, correction, it's Runyon Canyon. And we're like, runyon Canyon. She was like, I'm sorry. I. You know, she's an idiot.

[B]

Say that again.

[A]

Why is it. Yeah, that's it.

[B]

Right now, there are multiple fires that are taking. Yeah. Yeah. You're supposed to know. Well, I don't know. Know how it started. We don't know how it started there.

[A]

You know, all the. All the.

[B]

All the gay people in la.

[A]

Okay, there we go.

[B]

I got the. I like how they go, okay, all right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This guy.

[A]

I would have stayed in the pocket and been like, what do you mean, all the gay people?

[B]

He's like, you know what I mean?

[A]

Explain yourself.

[B]

Oh, the destruction they caused. And then God got mad, you know what I'm saying? Started all these fires. Okay, all right. Gotta run. Good luck.

[A]

Good luck on the 405.

[B]

Thanks, man. It was great to see you.

[A]

It's great to see you. I'm glad you came in for this. Thank you.

[B]

Thank you, guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Stay safe. We love you. We'll see you next week.

[A]

Burt and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes tops while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.