New Year New Roast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "New Year New Roast" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave (YMH Studios)
Episode Airdate: January 5, 2026
Guests: Chris DiStefano & Stavros Halkias (subbing for Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer)

---

Overview

This episode serves as the finale of the Winter Bears series, capping off a well-loved four-episode run with comics Chris DiStefano and Stavros Halkias guest hosting. The pair riff on everything from the pleasures and miseries of first class travel, New Year’s resolutions, family chaos, and most of all, Chris's growing anxiety about his upcoming roast of the Jersey Shore cast. Throughout, the show embraces the familiar, rowdy, self-deprecating "2 Bears" tone, diving into behind-the-scenes comedy struggles, insecurities, and classic ball-busting.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Winter Bears Wrap-Up & YMH Studios Experience ([00:05]-[01:12])

• Chris and Stavros reflect on their time at YMH Studios, joking about network execs trying to woo them into a permanent show.
• Warmly refuse—Stavros quips, “The answer is a resounding no. Absolutely not.”
• They joke about the abundant studio snacks and lament the upcoming end of their Austin stay.

2. Travel, Delta Privileges, and Fat Guy Flight Strategies ([01:12]-[03:40])

• Classic "2 Bears" riff about the absurd complaints of first class.
• Stavros: “One of the downsides of first class...you can’t as easily secretly suck your friend off...there’s real partitions now.” ([01:39])
• Both swap fat guy travel stories, indulgent airport snack habits, and lament lost Delta lounge privileges.

3. Latent Homosexuality Bit & Catholic Trauma ([05:05]-[08:38])

• The hosts segue into bawdy humor about being “too rich” to act on “latent homosexual desires.”
• Stavros muses about being groomed into a “gay lifestyle” if the right sugar daddy had come along, sparking laughs and a brief tangent about Tim Dillon and gay culture.
• Chris offers a deadpan Catholic trauma riff: “That’s foundational Catholicism...that’s what the beginning years are.” ([07:00])

4. Communion Memories & Old School Church Gross-Outs ([07:47]-[08:38])

• Stavros details Greek Orthodox communion and childhood terror of sharing a spoon: “You’d have to follow a really up mouth...God disinfects it with his powers.” ([08:21])
• Chris jokes about Catholic school prayer and academic mediocrity.

5. New Year’s Resolutions, Comedy Burnout, and Family Life ([09:00]-[10:58])

• Chris shares his failed 2025 resolution to never cancel shows; he ultimately had to pull back to save his mental health and family time.
• “I just don’t want to be multiple time zones away. It feels too far.” ([09:23])
• New goal: perform only in the original 13 colonies.

6. Comedy Heroes, SNL Nostalgia, and Childhood Influence ([10:29]-[16:03])

• In a sentimental aside, the comics discuss early SNL, Norm Macdonald, and how little kids today are discovering comedy differently.
• Stavros: “I hope there’s some fat little child who’s inspired by my comedy.” ([16:03])

7. Work-Life Balance, Gig Regrets, and Family Disappointments ([16:08]-[19:14])

• Chris selfishly books the Count Basie Theater on NYE, dragging family to Red Bank, NJ.
• He covers the ongoing tension between work and home: “The first thing I do this year is make my wife mad.” ([18:01])

8. The Jersey Shore Roast: Anxiety, Bit Creation, and Comedy Ethics ([19:14]-[41:14])

• The centerpiece: Chris has agreed to headline a roast of the Jersey Shore cast, despite never having done a real roast.
• They workshop (mostly bad) roast lines and dissect the ethics and awkwardness of “roasting strangers for money.”
• Stavros advises: “Just hire some writers to get out of this.” ([35:04])
• The real anxiety—Chris is billed as the marquee closer: “All the low-hanging fruit has been taken early.” ([41:20])
• Notable recurring tip: “If it ain’t a hell yes, it’s a no.” ([25:05], [44:50])

9. Roasts vs. Real Friendship in Comedy ([21:51]-[46:47])

• Both reminisce on NYC Roast Battle days, noting how mean-spirited roasts became as comics started roasting strangers rather than friends.
• They lampoon the modern roast formula—target plastic surgery, stand-up failures, etc.—and compare it to the joy of roasting pals.

10. Roast Joke Brainstorm – Live on Air ([29:14]-[51:39])

• A lengthy, comically fruitless writers’ room, poking fun at each Shore cast member.
• Notable bits: comparing Ronnie to “a sun dried garlic knot” and “Big Ang with a shape-up.” ([33:29], [49:16])
• Jokes around their own inadequacy: “This might be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you if it goes wrong.” ([51:14])

11. Comedy Career Struggles & Near Misses ([51:22]-[51:29])

• Chris: “Your whole career has more been a series of near misses.”

12. The Futility of NYE Shows and the Substitute Teacher Mentality ([52:09]-[65:41])

• Stavros: “Nobody actually wants to be at a comedy show on New Year’s Eve.” ([52:09])
• The pair embrace their role as “substitute teachers,” just “rolling out the TV cart” for their stint on the show.

13. Two Bears Show Critique & Ideal Future Guests ([56:49]-[59:45])

• Stavros critiques the “Two Bears” guest strategy—“never fat,” betraying the core premise.
• They fantasy-cast future guests: Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias, Ms. Pat, Guillermo del Toro, and Garth Brooks.

14. End-of-Episode Banter & Mock Sentimentality ([64:09]-[65:41])

• The hosts poke fun at inspirational sign-off clichés, planning the lowest-effort “Spring Bears” series.
• “Remember—if it ain’t a hell yes, it’s a no.” ([64:26], [64:35])

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On first-class woes:
  “You can’t as easily secretly suck your friend off sitting next to him because there’s real partitions there.” – Stavros ([01:39])

• On being anxious about the Jersey Shore roast:
  “I have no idea what to do or say. And I said yes because they offered me just enough money and a free weekend stay at the Hard Rock.” – Chris ([19:41])

• Roast jokes, live editing:
  “Ronnie looks like a sun dried garlic knot.” – Chris, approved by Stavros ([33:29])
  "You were the most pathetic one when it started. You've actually figured it out." – Stavros, on Snooki ([50:00])

• On modern roasts:
  “It’s just who has the better relationship with writers.” – Stavros ([40:25])

• Comedy career self-awareness:
  “Your whole career has more been a series of near misses.” – Stavros to Chris ([51:22])

• Chris’s new life motto:
  “If it ain’t a hell yes, it’s a no.” ([25:05], again at [44:50], [64:26])

• On the substitute teacher approach:
  “We really brought out the TV with the cart...and we just played Fern Gully.” – Stavros ([65:07])

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:39] – Partition jokes & first class struggles
• [05:05] – Latent homosexuality and wealth
• [09:00] – New Year’s resolutions & canceled tours
• [16:03] – Impact on the next generation of comics
• [18:01] – NYE shows & making their family mad
• [19:14] – Jersey Shore roast announced, existential dread begins
• [25:05] – If it ain’t a hell yes, it’s a no
• [30:07-39:21] – Roast joke writing session, painfully live
• [41:20] – Chris is last on the Jersey Shore roast lineup
• [44:50] – Motto repeated: If it ain’t a hell yes, it’s a no
• [52:09] – Why New Year’s Eve comedy shows suck
• [56:49] – Critique of Two Bears guest choices
• [65:07] – Substitute teacher, TV-cart metaphor for their podcasting approach
• [64:35] – Mock inspiration: “But anyway guys, stay up…if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.”

---

Overall Tone

Wildly irreverent, self-deprecating, and improvisational—the hosts never let a topic get somber for long, always quick to turn sincere moments into jokes. There’s an undercurrent of genuine affection for those that inspired them, but it’s always delivered with a wink and roast. The episode is a study in comics working out anxiety in real time, building jokes from scratch, and poking fun at the silliness of the entertainment machine.

---

Takeaways

• The realities of a comic’s life: burnout, travel misery, constant hustling, and the lure/trap of “just one more gig.”
• The ephemeral nature of fame, especially the Jersey Shore cast as metaphor.
• The futility—and comedy—of writing roast jokes for people you barely know.
• A tongue-in-cheek critique of podcasting as an art form (“How low can we take the form of podcast?”).

---

Perfect for: Fans of behind-the-scenes in comedy, anyone interested in the anxiety and work behind roasts, and lovers of meta, self-referential podcasting.

Transcript

[Announcer]

Hundred percent.

[Chris DiStefano]

Welcome to the fourth episode of the Winter Bears.

[Stavros Halkias]

The. The fine finale.

[Chris DiStefano]

The finale. Now this very similarly we have people. The bigwigs from ymh, the head, the behind the scenes guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

Are all here to try to talk us into doing a show permanently on the network. And what is the answer gonna be?

[Stavros Halkias]

The answer is a resounding no. Absolutely not. Chris, you're already looking for houses in Texas. You're ready to move to Austin. You're ready to fucking completely change.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're ready to go. Nah, I'm. This has been a great time.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I've enjoyed hanging out here in the studio. They have a lot of amenities.

[Chris DiStefano]

They do.

[Stavros Halkias]

They have a whole staff.

[Chris DiStefano]

They do.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm actually pretty sluggish because I have. I've continued to crush pastries. They have a lot of. They have a lot of snacks here.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I had way too many croissants.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

So I'm bringing 2026. This is 2026 after all, Chris. I'm bringing in sluggish.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm ready to get home to beautiful New York City.

[Chris DiStefano]

New York City.

[Stavros Halkias]

Now I'm ready to hold hands with you on our Delta flight back.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude. I hope. What seat are you, Dino?

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm 5D 3A damn.

[Chris DiStefano]

But we'll still hang. I'll ask. I'll ask my seatmate to switch. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So you and I could sit next to each other. Now here's the. Let's be honest.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, you can't even. Here's the problem. You know, not to start. I mean would it be an episode of. Would it be a run of Two Bears without talking about the fact that we're in first class and complaining about it?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

The one of the downsides of first class. You can't as easily secretly suck your friend off sitting next to him because there's real partitions there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Back in the day you could do sneaky gay shit if you're in the back. Back in the day I was always. I always liked being near the bathroom because I thought may maybe people. They were the least desirable seats. So if any middle seat is going to be open. As a fat person, I would get the one right by the bathroom. And the worst was when it's a full flight and it smells like. And you're rubbing thighs with another grown man.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But a lot of times it would work out for me and I would have a whole row to myself and.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I could get through. By the way, I'm the guy.

[Announcer]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

Someone shitting In a bat, in a airplane. It is an insanely fat guy who got way too much Popeyes at the fucking. At the, like, food court.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because once you're in. Once you know you're flying, there's no nutritional law.

[Chris DiStefano]

Zero rules.

[Stavros Halkias]

You cry. I. I would used. Even when I was broke, I would probably spend more on snacks than even. Because I used to find the most budget flight I could.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then I would go and spend like $40 on Haribo gummies and fried chicken and shit. I've almost missed flights. I've been. They've called my name when I've been in line at Chick Fil A and I've just been like, come on, I need my fucking nuggets. And I literally was just fucking running to get.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nothing better than watching a fat guy run to his flight. Yeah. One of the best things you could see, if you're just like, in the air, you know, I'm in the terminal, just wait. And then boom.

[Stavros Halkias]

A guy who does not usually run. You can tell you're like, this guy is about to like, an ACL is on the verge of being just.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. My physical therapy degree pops up. I'm like, yeah, I can run over there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, I need a fucking massage.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'll do it up.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

My shoulders are fucked up now. I think, well, what are we gonna do when we get there? We gonna go into the Delta lounge. They got some nice food and snacks. They're all freebies.

[Stavros Halkias]

I have law. This is. You know, I've become. I have lost my Delta privileges.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I'm becoming a man of the people yet again.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, lucky you. I have.

[Stavros Halkias]

You have a guest.

[Chris DiStefano]

I've only. I've been hardcore with. I've leaned in to Delta. I'm like, fricking, you know what I mean? Delta Special Forces.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I can get a plus one. So you will be my honored, esteemed guest.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow. It'll be nice to be back as somebody's fucking guest.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now, I will tell you that, you know, Austin, the flights from Houston to New York City are much. They give you the better planes. They give you the shit level planes. At Delta, from Austin to. To New York, Austin is this bubbling city. But they don't treat it like that in the airport. Houston, they'll give you first class. Houston to New York is Delta 1. Lay down beds and all that. This one is not even close to that. It's partitioned off tight spaces.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now, and also, we no opportunity to fly into LaGuardia. We have to fly into JFK, which is the worst airport.

[Stavros Halkias]

I hate it.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'd rather be in the back of a car with jfk.

[Stavros Halkias]

You'd rather be wiping off viscera and brain matter from your lapels than fuck flying into jfk.

[Chris DiStefano]

I. I really despise it. And it just takes a lot longer to get to your home. To my home. And I do feel like if we're, as you mentioned, if we're going to complain about sitting first class and the privileges that come along with that, this is the show to do that. This is a platform where you do that.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is the perfect Two Bears topic to complain about first class stopping you from doing gay shit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's kind of every element of the. Of the program.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

To, like, we're too rich to explore our latent homosexual desires now.

[Announcer]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Which is a problem.

[Chris DiStefano]

Which is a problem. And by the way. Which won't be able to stay latent for long.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know. You know, like.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know. I think I'm past it. I. You had caught me. I could have been groomed into a gay lifestyle. You know, I could have been if somebody. If I found somebody, some older man who wanted to, you know, lean me out, treat me like his little fuck pig, and then make. And then make me, you know, he buy me stuff.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Put me on an exercise regimen when I was broke. He might have, you know, if his dick wasn't too big.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

It wasn't too much of a hassle to suck.

[Chris DiStefano]

There's a guy who's looking up to you right now in, like, his early 20s who sees a lot of himself in you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

And you kind of just said that to him. And he. He is in.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's hoping that happens to me.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's. Well, he. No, he's hoping that that happens for him.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's what I'm saying.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right. And so what he's saying to himself is. Okay, so what? I could see him eventually getting in line with Tim Dillon.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right. What I just described is what Tim is looking for is exactly. You know, be hilarious if Tim started. Have you seen behind the Candelabra where Liberace makes all his boyfriends look exactly like him? What if Tim took all these fucking twinks and started feeding them till they got fat as shit and, like, forced them to look exactly like him so he could fuck a carbon.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Made them smoke cigarettes so they'd get a gravelly voice. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

They're all wearing Balenciaga.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Huge sunglasses. He just has a fucking. He has an army of, like, fat guys in fucking designer sunglasses who he fucks in the ass.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But no, I think. I think Tim's tastes are to the twinkish side.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, they are. Yes, they are, too, Twink. So we're not. We're not necessarily his type, but you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Don'T think you could have ever been convinced to be gay man's sexual play toy?

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, dude. I mean, what do you. That's foundational Catholicism. So, I mean, this is what the beginning years are.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, Right, Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

So, no, I don't think. I think that for me, the gay stuff.

[Stavros Halkias]

You take the body of the Lord. Yeah. You put your tongue out, daddy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Give me a morsel of your body, daddy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just on my knees, tongue open. You're like, sir, you don't have to do that.

[Stavros Halkias]

First time you take communion, you try to get it on all fours.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude. You know what sucks about Catholic church now? They don't give anyone the wine anymore. Since COVID You can't drink the blood of Christ.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just the. Just the body.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, you can't drink the blood.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is not the blood.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's why. Yeah, dude. That's why, you know, now we have.

[Stavros Halkias]

To just take the Greek Orthodox. Because I haven't had communion in a while. I've become a heathen.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I did grow up in the church. And they would make you. I don't cat. Like, it was one spoon, and they would put a little bread and a little wine in there, and everyone eats off the same spoon. And the priest would have a little cloth and wipe it off. But yeah, no, germs don't work. And then I was like. Because I would. You'd have to often follow an A up looking old. Because people who love community are the old, the elder.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you would have to follow a really up mouth.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dirty old mouth. Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Shitty dentures.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like a frontier mouth. Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

An Oregon trail mouth.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't want the Kalamata trail. And I asked my mom. I was like, what the. Like, I don't want to. This lady's germs are on it. She was like, God disinfects it with his powers. So, like, God is down there, like, zapping every communion spoon in between. He would be pretty busy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude. My. When I went to Catholic school, my whole life, they would say, like, you know, we would study for the test, and then they would say, but the most important part of it is you just pray to God to give you the answers. So I would Just. Just getting a 10 on my SATs.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I'm praying.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm praying.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, you're not praying hard enough.

[Chris DiStefano]

God answers your prayers. You're in Nassau Community College. There you go. Now it's New Year's Eve.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's time to think about New Year's resolutions.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, goals for the year.

[Chris DiStefano]

Mine.

[Stavros Halkias]

Go ahead. No, please.

[Chris DiStefano]

I had a New Year's resolution last year to not cancel any comedy shows, to stay committed to what I say I'm gonna do. And then I canceled the last quarter of all my shows this year. I just said, nope, I'm not going. I canceled Seattle, Vancouver, Portland, and I.

[Stavros Halkias]

Love Shout out to Pacific Northwest. Great comedy town.

[Chris DiStefano]

Great comedy town. Shout out all those people. Shout out to people of Columbus, Ohio, that I canceled on. I have no problems with any of these towns. I love these towns. I just got to a point where I said, I can't. I just don't want to leave the family anymore. I don't want to be multiple time zones away. It feels too far. I am now on a quest in 2026, 2027, to do shows just primarily in the original 13 colonies is what I've thought of as. This would work for me if I'm on the Eastern seaboard. So if you're in one of the original 13, there's a high chance I'm coming to you. I hope you'll come see me. And I don't mean to neglect the other parts of the country, but just mentally with my family and all, I mean, I just feel like I'm too far away and it's not good for me, my mental state. So I'm looking to stay home.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. That's beautiful. A lot of jokes about the Atlantic Ocean.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, a lot of regional stuff, founding father material. You know, all that stuff. Dude starts shitting on the Algonquins, the Iroquois.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. How fucking. How gullible they were. Who gave us. Who traded Manhattan? The Lenape. The Lenape.

[Chris DiStefano]

The Lenape. And the only reason I know that is because I watch Colin Quinn's New York. That's how all of Brooklyn learned about history is through Colin Quinn's. It's awesome One man shows and him on Weekend Update.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, in the 90s, of course, he was our hero.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course. That was the close you got to actual news.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Which is Colin. Colin Quinn, a guy from the city being on Weekend Update.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's it. What about.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was a kid. I was not. When I was a kid, I was actually pissed. I Didn't like Colin Quinn when I was a kid.

[Announcer]

Why?

[Chris DiStefano]

Because you hated New York type thing?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know. I was. Because I just. He was too. Like, he was more about jokes and I was a dumbass little kid. Like, what year was he. Did he. Was he right after norm?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, like 96, 97.

[Stavros Halkias]

I also, you know, it's so funny. I loved Norm even though I was a kid.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And his is a very dry style. But I was. My first SNL that I loved was like that. All those guys that got fired was like Sandler, you know. Yes, Norm, all that stuff.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I only watch it because my mother was a waitress at a Greek restaurant and she would come home with leftover lamb chops and calamari. And so I. You wake up for that? I would. No, I would stay up. Like, I would watch SNL. Like, I ba. I was like seven. Like, we're talking. This is like the mid-90s when those guys were on SNL. I was literally six and seven years old and I was staying up. The promise of calamari or lamb chop actually gave me a. Yeah, gave me a education in comedy.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Fellas, you already know what time it is. It's time to level up. And Bluechew just dropped something crazy. I'm talking next level championship belt, gold plated energy. Bluechew gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable Ed brand. This is the four in one beast that's setting the gold standard for performance. We're talking two ingredients for blood flow to keep that rocket pumping. Mixed with apomorphine and oxytocin to turn up the arousal and connection in your brain and body. Bluetooth gold dissolves under your tongue and works in as little as 15 minutes. That means you get it on quicker and stay in the game longer. I love taking this stuff. It's helped me stay in the game way longer than I even need to be. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options. @bluechew.com we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Bluechew gold with the code Bears. That's promo code bears. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast.

[Announcer]

This show is sponsored by DraftKings. DraftKings Sportsbook. An official sports betting partner of the NFL. Makes every playoff moment feel bigger. Let me tell you, if you're not pumped for these playoffs, I don't know if you have a heart inside you. I mean, I almost, I almost want to get a job at Buffalo Wild Wings so I can really watch all the games. I spend every week then they're watching the games and DraftKings makes it so much more fun. If you have not tried DraftKings, you are missing out on a huge part of football. DraftKings has your back with early exit protection. If the player you're in your eligible NFL prop bet goes down at any point in the first half, you still get paid in cash. Come on, bro. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app. Use promo code Bears. That's promo code bears to turn five bucks into 300 bucks in bonus bets. If your bet wins in partnership with DraftKings, the Crown is yours.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPE&WY or text hope&why 467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 8 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. Pass through per wager. Tax may apply in Illinois 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void In Ontario, restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive bonus bets which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required. NBA league pass Auto renews until canceled. Additional terms at DKNG Co Audio limited time offer. Are we exposed? Security teams ask this every day. Vulnerabilities across network cloud, AI and OT silos hide the truth and attackers are watching. Tenable unifies your tools, teams and data so you can spot and close risks fast. Tenable's AI powered exposure management gives teams one view of risk, helping them focus, take action and close critical exposures fast. Visit tenable.com tenable your exposure ends here.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I was not. For whatever, for whatever reason, my 8 year old taste did not align with Colin Quinn. Now I'm a huge he's the man. I love stuff. But and I also think looking back, those updates are really funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh my God, they're really fun. They're epic. And and you know, he, I think like in comedy, like you have to have someone that you look up and here's what's wild. Yeah, that was our thing. Snl. You have to believe that there are little kids right now who are 10, 11, 12, 13 years old who they. You're getting them into comedy. That's really, isn't that wild. Dude, there's some little kid right now that's like I stay up for kalamari and lamb chops too. I see myself in him.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah he's just watching. Fucking. He's just on. On his phone, waiting.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's funny because it's not tethered to any time anymore.

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can just see comedy whenever you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Want, whenever you want it. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I hope there's some fat little child who's watching, who's inspired by my comedy.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I got. So New Year's Eve coming up. I, of course, did the one thing that my family asked me not to. They've worked one request, and they said, please, can you just not work for the holidays?

[Stavros Halkias]

It's also, by the way, the worst gig in the world.

[Chris DiStefano]

1,000%. Yeah. So instead, I've done. I'm now doing two shows at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey.

[Stavros Halkias]

Great theater.

[Chris DiStefano]

Great theater. Of course, now my beautiful wife and children have. Instead of being able to stay in the comfort of our home, I've now gotten them hotels in the outskirts of Red Bank, New Jersey.

[Stavros Halkias]

One of the finest tourist districts.

[Chris DiStefano]

Red Bank, New Jersey, have any type of, like, nice hotel somewhere. I swear to God, I have them in a Holiday Inn Express.

[Stavros Halkias]

Symbolic. Symbolic of what their life with you is gonna be like.

[Chris DiStefano]

So now they have to stay. Jasmine has to now, you know, put on her finest New Year's Eve gown and stay huddled up.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, they're not gonna come to the shows.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, you know, I got the, you know, little babies. We're gonna have the dog with us. So.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, you're Siberian Husky.

[Chris DiStefano]

So now we're staying in. Literally, two queen beds is the most extravagant I could get for $2.50 a night is two queen beds and a hol in the outskirts of New Jersey. But I have promised that I'm not working New Year's Day and any really that much in January. So we'll do something. But that is gonna be my New Year's Eve is having to slug it out to Count Basie Theater with James Mattern and the great Mike Cannon.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a nice call.

[Chris DiStefano]

That'll be good. But my family is. Cause we did it. I did the Paramount on Long island two years ago, and, you know, it was a good enough time, but Jazz was like, don't do it again. So then I did. I took last year off, and then I immediately forgot what she said, and I booked myself. I booked the show on New Year's Eve, January of this year. So I booked it a year in advance. So I was like, I'm immediately.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm making sure to go against your wishes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Actually, the first thing I do this year is make my wife mad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or my not yet wife.

[Chris DiStefano]

Not yet wife. But she's told me, though, that she wants to. She wants me to start saying it publicly. So I start to get my mind to the idea, like, this is what's happening. And she also was like, we've been together long enough. It's kind of weird for you to say my girlfriend.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is, it is. It starts to become very trashy at a certain point.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

To be. You have. When you have multiple. When your kids are like, have like four are starting to form political opinions.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you still call the woman that you had them with your girlfriend.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That is trash.

[Chris DiStefano]

That is a trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you live with her. It'd be one thing if you guys were divorced or like, you know, we're co. Parents. You are in a.

[Chris DiStefano]

Her name's on the deed.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah. You're in a committed relationship. You have a child who's like 10 years old.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you're like, my. My chick.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, my.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

My girl. My. My child's filling out college applications. I'm like, yes. My girlfriend. What she thinks Now I've done two regrettable things here.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Hit me with New Year's Eve show, Red Bank, New Jersey, also. I just. Sometimes you just can't get away from New Jersey. Can't get away from the roots. I said yes after multiple asks of me, saying no, no, no, but then finally just wore me down.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

I am now doing. I am now roasting the cast of the Jersey Shore in the state of New Jersey at the Borgata, the Hard Rock in Atlantic City.

[Stavros Halkias]

Rock. Atlantic City.

[Chris DiStefano]

A thousand people in their arena. I am now. I've never roasted in my life. I have no idea what to do or say. And I said. And I said yes because they offered me just enough money and a free weekend stay at the Hard Rock.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

So that's your family coming to that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Jasmine is okay. But yeah. So she was like that. And. But even that. I'm like, come on, Babel, go on a vacation.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's like, atlantic City.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what she said. She was like, you know, Chris, like, when are. When are you going to understand that, like, a vacation in Atlantic City isn't a vacation for me?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, you, like, you also went in fucking December, January. Yeah. In the winter, you're going to Atlantic City.

[Chris DiStefano]

Atlantic City, Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Disgusting.

[Chris DiStefano]

Disgusting. She's like, you know, like, what about going to Puerto Rico and all that? And I'm like, well, I don't know if they have a comedy club in San Juan. So I couldn't. I'm like, that guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Am I. Is somebody going to pay me to make fun of JW's plastic surgery in San Juan?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think so.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So it's like, what the hell do you want me to do? And she's actually even. That's been a big gripe with her, and I do understand that now, where she's like, why does every single vacation we go on as a family, why do you have to do stand up at the beginning or end of it? I'm like, because that pays for the trip. She's like, stop with that. Every other adult goes away and just goes away.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. No one. No one. An accountant doesn't fucking go to a Marriott in Tuscany and say, hey, can I do your books for a free hotel room?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

They just work before the vacation.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, that's. That is, again, you being too stupid to understand things. You're like, well, I have to pay for it while I'm there. And it's like, no, dude, you could just do a diff. You could do a gig the week before.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And if you could go to Columbus. Yeah, right. Instead of canceling, you could have just kept Columbus on the books. Use that money to pay for Puerto Rico, you know? You see how that works, Chris? But you see how we're not in a direct. You think we're in a barter economy still? We are like, can I tell some jokes for hotel rooms?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. No.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just give us money.

[Chris DiStefano]

Still living in the original 13 Colony mindset, I'm bartering with the Lenape to get goods and services to get us through the winter here. Jazz, do you want to get through the winter?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

We have. I have seven goats for the family, so now. So I'm actually nervous about this Jersey Shore roast because I've never roasted anyone. I've never been.

[Stavros Halkias]

You never did a single roast ever?

[Chris DiStefano]

Zero. And now listen, the guys who crush out, you know, of course, like, you know, the Colin Quinn, the Tony Hinchcliffe's, the Nikki Glazers. These guys, they're professional roasters. They do it in a way that I marvel at. I just have never been interested in being mean to someone else.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, it's just not my thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

I get it. I think the roasting stuff is really overrated. I think, like, I miss when it was because the original roast is fun. It's like your friends who you shit. Like, I would. The only roast I would be Interested in doing is if it was like. If it's like, your roast and it's like, all our friends.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And we're all on each other in, like, a loving, like, way where it's like.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can make fun of. Like, I just remember when. When. When I first moved to New York, Roast Battle was the big thing. Sure. Right. And pretty much you had to get stage time anywhere you had you. The way you worked your way in was to do a roast battle. So I did a couple, and it's like. And I did. Okay. I roasted Ian and Nick and Mullen, and they were fun. Those are my friends. That was fun. But then it got to the point where you're just roasting people you don't know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's just like. You just meet up with someone and it's like. And then you just kind of. All right. Everyone just takes turns telling each other the worst things that ever happened to them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then, like, So a strange. You meet a stranger and they go, okay. So I got. When I was 7, my mom has cancer. You could probably get something good out of that.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's like, this isn't what comedy is. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then it's also like, I know them a little bit, the cast of the Jersey Shore, and I like them, and we get along. And it's like, now I'm gonna say hateful things about them and probably blow up the relationship.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Ye.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just for a stay at the Hard Rock.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I'm sure the hotel. The casino buffet is pretty good.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's true. But, I mean, they know what they signed up for. That's true for the roast. But I don't know. I just think it's. It's strange to roast someone you don't. You knowing them a little bit makes it slightly better. I think it's weirder now that we just roast people we don't know at all.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And sometimes they're all this. You just.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You take a guy out. If someone's fat, you could make the same jokes about them that you do, you know?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's just like paint by numbers.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's all it is.

[Stavros Halkias]

Where I prefer when it was like. And the great people that are great joke writers can still find a couple ways around that, you know, Like. But I don't know. I feel like. I feel like you gotta really know the people for it to be fun.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cause then it's friends busting each other's balls.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And also, I'm sitting with this feeling. I Booked this like a month ago. I'm sitting with this feeling, like, just. It's the only thing that's coming up that I'm like, regretting. And I'm like, I'll do stand up. I'll do stand up for people that don't speak English, of course, and just have fun with it in my own way. And I love doing Stand Up.

[Stavros Halkias]

The best show you've ever done. Yeah, they like you more. They're like, yeah, this is on our level. This is. Yeah, these ideas are communicated to us. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm like, dude, I got to do more shows in Bangladesh. But I realized like, oh, I took a gig because I was like, oh, Jersey, sure, sure, I'll do that. And then I realized, like, there's been a lot of realizations for me in the. This past year. I'm like, oh, wait a second. I would just immediately say yes to something because it's like you have anxiety about your career's gonna go away or something like that. But now I'm trying to be like, moving forward. Hey, like, just have some confidence in yourself and your own abilities that you'll be okay either way. You don't have to say yes to every. You don't have to say the majority of things you don't want to do. Yeah, just say yes. And so somebody told me, you need to live 20, 26 like this. And I'm gonna tell this to the fans. Remember this, kids?

[Stavros Halkias]

If you remember this, folks, it's a thing. Some guy told Chris that he has not yet put into effect in his life, but just. It's a thing he's planning to do. But listen up.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's a thing. And my. And the friend who told me does live in his car, but he's doing it for his own reasons. He said to me, the way you need to live 20, 26 is this. If it ain't a hell yes, it's a no.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

What do you think of that?

[Stavros Halkias]

That's beautiful, man. That's fucking awesome. That's a really good bumper sticker.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, that's my merch.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're such a fucking simpleton.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's so fucking.

[Chris DiStefano]

If it ain't a hell yes, it's a no.

[Stavros Halkias]

That is being mass printed and being sold in an Etsy shop by a fucking 48 year old wine mom. Right?

[Chris DiStefano]

They're like, who said that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Cabernet o' clock somewhere.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. They're like, who said that to you? I'm like, Ricky Bobby.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like that. My personal I actually do have a motto as well. Something that. That's. It is my. It's my New Year's resolution every year. And it's double the bread, double the head. Nice. So let's get twice as rich. Let's get sucked off twice as much.

[Chris DiStefano]

And have the numbers. Have you been doing that?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, it's unsustainable. Quite double. I started that when I was very broke and it was like, make more than $8,000 and get sucked off more than twice. And so the first few years I.

[Chris DiStefano]

Could do it, but New Year's Eve is just with a prostitute. Like, I gotta hit these numbers.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, well, there was one. There was a. There was one New Year's where I. A girl at a party, like at 12:05. And then I. A different girl like at like 11:50. And I was briefly on pace to 300 to 725 or whatever. 365 times two is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? So there was, there was one day where. There was one year where for one day I was on pace to fuck over 700 women and I ended up fucking, I think like four. But briefly I was like, wow, wow, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

I go, the Japanese 1% better. Each day. You can just get 1% better.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's more sustainable.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're good.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Now that the holidays are over, you might be feeling like you've got a big spending hangover. The drinks, the holiday food, the gifts, it all adds up. Luckily, Mint Mobile is here to help you cut back on overspending on wireless this January with 50% off unlimited premium wireless. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. We've been using Mint Mobile for our office phones here at the studio. It was so easy to switch over and working with them has been seamless. This January, quit overspending on wireless. Plans start at $15 per month at mintmobile.com bears that's mintmobile.com bears Limited time offer upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 month plan required. $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. C Mint mobile.com is the time of year to reflect on how far you've come and how much further you want to go. With the new year right around the corner, it's time to let go of the excuses and start your business with Shopify. We've been using Shopify to power our merch store for years and they've been a breeze to work with. Millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap from household names to brands like ours. Here at ymh, Shopify has everything you need to sell online and in person. They have hundreds of templates to match your brand new and built in AI tools to help you write headlines, descriptions, and even edit product photos in 2026. Stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Cha Ching. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com bears go to shopify.com bears that's shopify.com/bears. Hear your first Cha Ching this new year with Shopify on your side.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I still like, there's something about shooting the moon with double the bread, double the head that keeps you. Yeah, keeps you focused.

[Chris DiStefano]

Shooting for the stars, baby. Now let me just. Because it's you obviously respected comic. Can I read some of these, please?

[Stavros Halkias]

I would love to. Yes. Let's get into. Yeah. I was going to ask, what are your angles for New Jersey?

[Chris DiStefano]

Now obviously, you know, the angle that I want to take is to kind of be the guy that's like, look, I don't want to be here either, type thing. I'm not a roaster. Like, kind of take the approach. Like this is like, like, like I don't like that.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, I don't like being a half measure guy. Either you do it or you don't. But I, I mean, you can be a little respectful. You're saying you respect their, you're like, as fellow intellectuals, I don't want to be roasting you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So it's more like, like I want to say something like, like where is it? Like, you know, like, look, dude, like, I don't, I don't, you know, I respect you guys. This is bad. But I got to be honest with you. I mean, this is a bigger slap in the face to my heritage than if I did an Olive Garden commercial.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's not bad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Not bad.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, then I say, Vinnie Guadagnino's here. Vinny Guadagnino is doing stand up comedy now. Welcome to the businessman. GTL used to stand for gym, tan, laundry. Now it stands for got two or three laughs.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know about that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, that one's out.

[Stavros Halkias]

Got two or three laps. That's not gtl. Got G. Got two or three gtotl. Yeah, that's not gtl. That's gtotl.

[Chris DiStefano]

Maybe I can put that in the bit. Be like, maybe that's not even right. Damn. And then two or three left and then I'll say, I mean, that's a good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Making fun of him for doing standup.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is like, go down that angle.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a good one because that is pathetic.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or I was for years. For years you were the one who had the most dignity. And now you're doing stand up.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now you're doing stand up. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And he would like. I feel like he always was high horse.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

That he used to pretend he was the best one of them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's like you, whenever you do stand up comedy, whenever you start stand up in your 40s.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You either just committed or you're like, you have like tax issues.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's no. There's no other thing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, that's what I was going to say. I was like. And Mike, the situation. GTL means Grand Theft Auto Tax Evasion. Asian lawyers.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, again, you don't understand how acronyms work. You keep adding. You keep adding things to gtl. Grand Theft Auto Tax.

[Chris DiStefano]

Maybe that's the angle. I'll just keep saying like, shit. That doesn't make sense.

[Stavros Halkias]

Gtatl.

[Chris DiStefano]

It doesn't make sense. I'll do that. All right. Then I'll make fun of mtv. I said, guys, I'm a millennial. I remember pre Internet when MTV was really for masturbating to rap videos and trying to finish while one of dancers was on screen.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Not bad.

[Stavros Halkias]

That is my experience.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right. Needs a little bit more the.

[Stavros Halkias]

What were some of your favorite videos to jack off to?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

One that comes to mind immediately for me is the Petey Pablo. How you like it, daddy?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Remember that one?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Like there was that.

[Stavros Halkias]

That girl in the blue. I actually follow her to this day on Instagram.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Jack jerk off to the Biggie Smalls videos. I was it. When he's dancing in the mansion. One more chance. Maybe I forgot that this is our generation.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're slightly different ages. So I think this is. I think I listen to a lot of Biggie's music. I never caught the videos. I was much more in the. I jacked off the Britney Spears videos. I jacked off to, like I said, Petey Pablo. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drew Hill, the Thong. Cisco's.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Thong Song song from Baltimore.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So I have some real pride from that. It was very funny because I was in third grade where the Thong song came out and our people were proud. But it was the Thong Song.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I Think that was there.

[Announcer]

What was?

[Stavros Halkias]

The Kidz Bop version of the Thong song. Can you guys look that up? There was one that they played in our school.

[Chris DiStefano]

Really?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, while you look it up, what about this one? But listen, you guys all did pretty great. I mean, great careers, families, product lines. Meanwhile, Britney Spears is an empty mansion covered in dog shit, trying to stab ghosts in her underwear.

[Stavros Halkias]

Where is Britney? Coming in. Why are you throwing Britney? Also, they're not doing better than Britney Spears.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, what do you think of that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Why Brittany, bro.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Just getting her in there.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is good for you. You need to feel this.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ronnie looks like a sun dried garlic knot.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like that. There we go. Let's get back to basics.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, Snooki, some Oompa Loompa. She's pretend. She's not even Italian. She's adopted.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. You know, go that angle.

[Stavros Halkias]

Something about her family. The one Italian family, you know, not racist.

[Chris DiStefano]

The adopted. She's. She's not even Italian. She's Latino. That's why ICE is here. No.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, first idea. Yes, first idea. Not often the best, but you're getting the ball rolling. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Something Latino. Yeah. I mean, yeah. We could. On Vinnie for doing stand up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Absolutely.

[Chris DiStefano]

D. Like, yeah. You know, what else do we got? I got. Yeah. See, I mean, I've wrote some real, you know, a few.

[Stavros Halkias]

Are any of them or whatever happened. Is Ronnie still. Who's he? Are they together still? Is anybody?

[Chris DiStefano]

No. Sammy. Sammy is the one that not there, like, got away. Like, she's. She's the one that got out. She's not. She's not a part of it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

So that she's good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. So you could either. You could take a tact of either shitting on her or saying how she's the only one who escaped.

[Chris DiStefano]

Or I should just cancel it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. From what I've heard so far, I.

[Chris DiStefano]

Would cancel at this point, actually. Can I get out of it?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, hopefully.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like, is there a. Mm. Is there a way at this point? How. What would you do if you were me? You don't want to do it. You're now realizing cancel 100%. But. But your name has been billed. I didn't sign a contract yet.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Or maybe I did, actually. I mean, it's not my fault.

[Stavros Halkias]

What would I do? I would probably just hire writers to get out of this.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would just be like, all right, I'm doing the gig. Pay somebody fucking, you know, 10 grand. Who's good at this shit?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

To you. Know, pay, pay, pay some real money for some good writers and just get some banger jokes. We could even workshop some stuff. If it wasn't, you know, if it wasn't sprung on me, I could have maybe wrote you some jokes, helped you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Some stuff.

[Stavros Halkias]

Off the top of my head, I would talk about, you know, classic steroids.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, like the situation. What's up with the situation's face? Yeah, he's this, you know, the. Maybe he was too. The situation had so much plastic surgery, they wouldn't even put him in jail.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Maybe something like that. Off the top of my head, he.

[Chris DiStefano]

Couldn'T even get in jail. Yeah, yeah. Something like. Like the Jersey Shore has done to New Jersey. Jersey. What Covid did to Wuhan.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Things like that.

[Stavros Halkias]

What Israel's doing to Palestine, the Jersey Shore did to Italian culture what Israel is doing to hospitals.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's pretty good.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's good. I don't know.

[Stavros Halkias]

The politics of the room will align with that.

[Chris DiStefano]

But gazing hospitals, gazing hospitals, Israel, Jersey Shore, Covid.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Good stuff, man. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yo, what was the one? Plastic surgery. Couldn't even get in jail.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I don't know. I would just some. I would get something about him being. What about dj?

[Chris DiStefano]

Pauly D's from Providence, his hair spiked up. He's a dj.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right. There is something like. He, for the. For a long time was the coolest one of them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it start. The clock's even ticking on him.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Even he's kind of like getting. Yeah. Like, is there a Nutrigenics or.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah, he's going to start doing like. Yeah, the Nutrigenics Cialis commercial or something like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Pauly D. Pauly D. Eugenics. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nutrigenics Eugenics for Guidos.

[Chris DiStefano]

But is there a way? Is there a way? Like, how do I make fun of me? Like, how do I make. How do I maintain a sense of likability and endearing, you know? Cause in my standup I'm always making fun of me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right, right.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I can't. So that's like a thing that I.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't want to come off as like someone superior to them. I mean, something about how you wish you were in Jersey Shore.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I auditioned, actually.

[Stavros Halkias]

Did you for real?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's funny right there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, I couldn't even. You're like, here's how bad my career is going. I auditioned for Jersey Shore.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I wish I was getting roasted by one. I wish one of you. I wish Vinnie was the shitty comic roasting me instead of. Instead of me being the shitty comic roasting him or something like that. I don't know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Something like that. But I probably. I could just.

[Stavros Halkias]

You could talk about how much better. How much more. How much better they. What your Jersey Shore experience used to be, Right? These guys used to be the kings of the Jersey Shore. I would go there, you know, get. Shit my pants, whatever.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, you got. You guys. Yeah, you guys, you know, you guys made all this money and did all this great work off the Jersey Shore, and I used to go to the Jersey Shore and do Soul Joel's comedy club.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, something like that. Yeah, I would bomb it. I would bomb much like I'm bombing here. Yeah, that good stuff. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then. Yeah, Something. And then there's. And the.

[Stavros Halkias]

Also. But I know what you mean, what tone. If you want to be loving.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, here's the problem, too. Here's what it is, is this thing. They have, like, Rachel Feinstein is on it and a couple other comics, but they have this bill. This went out the marketing. This went out the Jersey Shore roast featuring Chris DiStefano. So I'm the last one up, and it's this whole thing where, like, Vinny's coming in, like, okay, you guys thought that was good. Wait, now I'm bringing in the closer, and it's me.

[Stavros Halkias]

You have to pretend you got some kind of disease.

[Chris DiStefano]

You think I have to get out of it now.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would try and get out of it. You're the last guy.

[Chris DiStefano]

The last.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, you know who else is on it? Rachel.

[Chris DiStefano]

All I know is Rachel Feinstein and, like, Eric d' Alessandro is the only one I know.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're in literally the worst spot you could possibly be.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. This is actually not. Yeah, like, what is it? You're the only person advertised on this, so.

[Stavros Halkias]

Along with more surprise guests, comedy star, a very special. Don't and don't miss a very special performance from comedy star Chris Stefano.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, could I. I mean, listen, dude, at the end of the day, I mean, we could do it, you know? Know, I'm in control here. If I don't want to do it. Yeah, I don't have to do it. But the question is, should I just do it?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I would just work a lot harder on it than what you have so far.

[Chris DiStefano]

Unfortunately, you said yes. You can't back out of it now. Yeah, but what I could do. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I've never asked I've never been the guy. You know, you and I have been friends a long time. I've never asked you to, like, do promote anything for me or.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

I've never. So could I go into the my friend group? You, Sam Morrow, Mark Norman, heavy hitters Colin Quinn and say, guys, I just need some help.

[Stavros Halkias]

Could you imagine texting Colin? Hey, Colin, I'm in a real tight jam. I'm in. I'm writing for. I can't figure out jokes to roast the Jersey Shore with. Can you help me? One of the fucking best comics ever. Who's doing. Who's doing, like historical one man plays. You're like, I need jokes about steroids and botched plastic surgery. I'm too stupid to come up with them. Can you help me? Can you imagine what we would say to you?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, he would be infuriated. He would be infuriated.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I think you could definitely ask. But you should also go to the people that like. Because here's the other thing. Here's another reason I don't really like these roasts. It's. Everyone hires writers. Right. It's not genuine.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like, it's who has the better relationship with writers. And so I, you know, you could go to people who've been like, I. What I would do is just. If I were in your position, I would just get writers. Because this is. You've. This. If you do these shows, you kind of have to get writers. You write your own stuff, obviously, but go to the best. Mike Lawrence did it for years.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

JP McDade, you should honestly hire Zak Amico. Zach Amico. But I'm telling you, jp, I mean, you might not be able to get it because JP is probably running for the Golden Globes right now, but you should go to, like, some of the best and at least get a little brainstorming session going.

[Chris DiStefano]

Something, you know. Unfortunately, this is not one you can win. You're gonna. Cause if it was standup, if they said, hey, go out there and do seven minute stand up. I know what I'm doing. I have sets based on that. I can jump to the crowd. But this is your. Behind the podium. You have to.

[Stavros Halkias]

And they're expecting roasts.

[Chris DiStefano]

Roast by going last.

[Stavros Halkias]

All the low hanging fruit has been taken early.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, the best spot to go in a roast is like second or third or fourth.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like right in the middle. But when people aren't too tired, someone goes first. They get the worst spot.

[Chris DiStefano]

And it almost feels like if you're gonna be the last guy on the roast, like, who they wanted. Like, you need to get someone like.

[Stavros Halkias]

A J. Ross, like someone who really wanted Jeff Ross. And they could not. They could, they couldn't get him. And then. And then Schultz didn't answer them. And then. Yes, there was definitely a list.

[Chris DiStefano]

Your first. My first red flag on why I should have said no to this is the initial offer came from Dino, who owns a club called Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. So that is the first problem. When Dino from Uncle Vinny's reached out.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wasn'T that the club where they threw a fucking beer can at Ariel Elias for voting for Biden? Yes, she said, I voted for Biden and they threw a full beer can at her head.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. And that's the guy who said, we need DiStefano. And I said, you know, I'm here for you, Dino, baby.

[Stavros Halkias]

So honestly, good club, great club, great pasta.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. But there is a point now where I've reached. We are now very close. And it is at the point now where. Do I just say I'm not doing it?

[Stavros Halkias]

I feel like it is too late.

[Chris DiStefano]

Do I just say at this point, do I need. What is this going to do for my career other than make it look worse?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I mean. No, no. You are in a no win situation and now all you can do is not lose.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's basically what it's come down to. So don't embarrass yourself.

[Chris DiStefano]

But your point is, is because they're.

[Stavros Halkias]

All gonna tape, they're probably gonna take.

[Chris DiStefano]

This is going on the show. This is going on MTV's the Jersey Shore.

[Stavros Halkias]

You'll be immortalized.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Luckily, no one really gives a fuck anymore about the Jersey Shore now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Do you. But you think at this point, although.

[Stavros Halkias]

I have watched a couple of the reviews, because it's very nostalgic.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're in that age. Yeah, I. I can. I think the first season of Jersey Shore before, because afterwards it was kind of spoiled by celebrity.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But that first season where no one knew who they were and they were so desperate for fame, but they were their legitimate selves before outside in, you know, influences forced them to act a little different. One of the best seasons of television ever.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a. It's a fascinating social experiment. I love it. I remember it was like fucking appointment. I was in college and you would just get. It was like a perfect pre game show to go out and not get any pussy whatsoever. But, you know, and since then, it's still interesting to check in on them. It's a little spoiled by fame, the whole thing. But. But it is a. You know, it still is a show people care about. So it will become. Best case scenario is you bomb so hard that they just cut the whole thing from the show. Yeah, they're just like. They all they show is fucking Vinny.

[Chris DiStefano]

But then I'm contractually obligated to get that money, but get the money.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So your two options are try hard, hire some writers to help you bounce some ideas or go full kamikaze, shit your pants on stage. Yo, say so many sl. Do it in blackface so they can't show it on mtv.

[Chris DiStefano]

Interesting.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do it in blackface. Write the N word across your chest.

[Chris DiStefano]

But with that crowd, they'll be like, this is why we love this guy. My tickets skyrocket. Yeah, dude. I don't. Yeah, I. Yeah, unfortunately. It's just one of these things where I just. I shouldn't have. I was convinced by my age agent.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course.

[Chris DiStefano]

Convinced. I got, I got. Yeah. My agent just came in and said, this is what it is. Do it. Because my initial guy. If I would have been taking the words going into 2026, if it ain't a hell yes, it's a no, I would not be in this situation. So this is example number one. If it ain't a hell yes, it's a no.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a damn no.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because doing New Year's Eve in red back New Jersey, despite my family being upset about it, it's still a hell yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a hell yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's still a hell yes. So I'm okay with that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. That's fair. I wouldn't. It's a still hell yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's still a hell yes. Because.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because the money, it's easy.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And my thing is, like, they're going to be mad at me anyway, you know, Might as well make some money.

[Stavros Halkias]

Might as well not even try to make them happy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm going to fail anyway. Anyway, that's. Now that's a winner's attitude.

[Chris DiStefano]

But I. I do think that this one, this jersey, as a matter of fact, why don't you know some of the fans of Two Bears 1K, can you send in some roast jokes for me? Help me out. Help me out.

[Stavros Halkias]

Fucking funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I mean, it could be, you know, I mean, Tom and Bert did it when they roasted the year last year. Right? Yeah. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna.

[Stavros Halkias]

But that's exactly what I mean. It's like, I thought that roast was fun, and, like, I think it was good to try and do something different. But that's my point about these things being so strange is like. It's like, you don't fucking know Tom Brady.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, you don't fucking know the Jersey Shore. Like, if you were doing the. If we were doing the roast of Joe DeRosa, you know how fun that would be?

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because I'm his friend and he's, you know, Hideous. Yeah. You know, and all. And it's just like, that's why I hate these. You know? That's why I hate these. Yeah. I just think these roasts are so. I don't know. I mean, who am I to say? I mean, I put out Crower clips, which are low, lowest common denominator stuff.

[Chris DiStefano]

You still got to do what you got to do.

[Stavros Halkias]

But it's just like. Even though I haven't really done them for a year, but I think if you're really good at them there. And again, there are people who are really good at crafting very specific roasts, but I think for the most part, it's like pretty paint by numbers. Like, you know, pick what this person is. If they're. If they're a woman, call her a whore. You know what I mean? If she had a black boyfriend. Talk. Be racist.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

It's really just the lowest common denominator when you don't have a personal relationship. But at the Jersey Shore, I feel like that will fly. Be racist. Be misogynistic. Be homophobic.

[Chris DiStefano]

So the buckets we can look for is make fun of Vinny Guadagnino for doing stand up.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a big one.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's the one. Make fun of JWOWW for plastic surger.

[Stavros Halkias]

All of them for plastic surgery.

[Chris DiStefano]

All of her plastic surgery except Vinnie.

[Stavros Halkias]

Vinnie, to his credit, I think, has a natural face.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, natural face. Make fun of Snooki for being small and, like, you know, adopted and.

[Stavros Halkias]

And wanting something about her birth parents.

[Announcer]

You.

[Stavros Halkias]

The only people that were smart about Snooki were her birth parents.

[Chris DiStefano]

Snooki is really small, and she's been excommunicated by the Italian culture. She's like our Dr. Fauci. There's some doctor calling her Dr. Fauci.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dr. Fauci. You're Dr. Fauci.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, what do you mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Isn't he Italian?

[Chris DiStefano]

He is Italian, but he's been excommunicated because he made up Covid.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right, right, right, right. I see someone still gets their news from the Staten island examiner, the Staten Island Advance.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I'm thinking maybe that's the angle.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's an angle there.

[Chris DiStefano]

DJ Pauly D actually is a very successful dj.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Very successful from.

[Stavros Halkias]

Pauly is the one who really finessed it the right way.

[Chris DiStefano]

He did well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm gonna be being a. I guess there's old DJs.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Does he still do his hair the same way?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, hair's the same way that, you know, it's gotta.

[Stavros Halkias]

Can we look up DJ Pauly D today?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, let's take a. I saw.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think. I mean. Yeah, I believe he had a hot girlfriend or wife too.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. DJ the hair.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that hair is crazy. How does he keep that up?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I gotta be honest. Even like, you know, seeing these guys, I just, just. It's almost like I respect them. I respect the show. I don't actually want to be a part of this.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is that his wife? Hell yeah, dude. Shout out to DJ Pauly D. Hot black wife.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, gorgeous. Oh, there you go. There's some jokes right there. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I.

[Chris DiStefano]

God, why do I get myself into this?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Look up Jersey Shore.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's look at their faces. But, you know.

[Chris DiStefano]

I gotta get an outfit.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, the situations face. I mean, situation good.

[Chris DiStefano]

J1's hot.

[Stavros Halkias]

Absolutely.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's the thing. It's like I actually, you know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I also don't want to make fun of girls. I know. That just doesn't work.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, Ronnie looks like shit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's fucking great.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sun dried garlic knot is good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah. That is really good. Ronnie does. Ronnie looks like a fucking. Like Ryan looks like a. Who's that? Who's that? Like, I don't know if she's trans or what, but that Italian lady with a husky voice.

[Chris DiStefano]

Big An.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think big. He looks like Big An.

[Chris DiStefano]

Who's dead? She looks like. Yeah, Ronnie looks like Big Ang right now.

[Stavros Halkias]

There we go. We got one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ryan looks like Big Ang with a shape up.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, like Big Ang.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's another. There's another, like, there's another, like Italian sort of of person who looks like this. There was a clip. There's a clip of them that goes viral. I don't remember.

[Chris DiStefano]

Maybe that's the bit. I come out for seven minutes and I just shit on Ronnie.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then I go, the rest of you guys are all right? Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm sure they've been arrested, you know, I'm sure Ronnie's been arrested for stuff. Just look up their rap sheets. Look up all this Other stuff. I honestly. Snooki has maybe done the best.

[Chris DiStefano]

She's done the best.

[Stavros Halkias]

She has. Which. There's a joke right there, you know, that's. You were the most pathetic one when it started. You've actually figured it out.

[Chris DiStefano]

You figured it all out. You've done the best out of. Out of all of us, actually. Yeah, I always.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, I did love them, though. That first season was truly, truly a legendary season of television.

[Chris DiStefano]

So unfortunately, I'm gonna have to go on the Internet, Google, look stuff up. This is what you'll have to do.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is Angelina looking good these days? I don't know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Angelina does look good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Good. Shout out to her. She. Claude. Oh, that. What was her name?

[Chris DiStefano]

Dina.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dina.

[Chris DiStefano]

When she. The one who got kicked off. Didn't want. Which one of them was like, they. They came late. Like they got kicked off and got replaced.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think Dina was a replacement.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dina replaced Angelina. Sammy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sammy, sweetheart. I believe.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then wasn't there one that was just the front. She was just. Sammy, sweetheart actually got out of it. And it's just like a regular girl.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're right. Angelina is the what I'm thinking of. Sammy's pretty hot too.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sammy. Sammy just got out. Sammy, sweetheart got out of the Jersey Shore. Now she just looks like a girl who have sex with her students. A teacher of sex with her students.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. That's good.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Something like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'll figure it out.

[Chris DiStefano]

But the thing is, I. I won't.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, you won't. And you have to hire people to help you. Yeah, that's because this might be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you if it goes wrong.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. This is. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But par for the course. We talked about that. Your whole career is more been a series of near misses.

[Chris DiStefano]

Near misses.

[Stavros Halkias]

So close.

[Chris DiStefano]

So maybe this is being able to touch the thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. And then like, nope, sorry.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sammy looks like a teacher.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

Writing that one down with her students. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Folks, you see how we said we were gonna do the worst episodes ever? This is a writing session for one of the shittiest comedy shows that anyone's ever gonna put on the roast of the Jersey Shore at the fucking borgata.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And we're making companies put ads on this piece of shit hour. We're going to miss our flight back to New York trying to come up with jokes about how snooky as chlamydia. Fuck it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, man.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I mean, you know what. What are you going to do for New Year's Eve? What's your Plans. No shows.

[Stavros Halkias]

No shows. I hate comedy shows. Here's the thing. They often pay really well because it's an event, but no one. And I don't want to say this to people listening because we have a lot of comedy fans, and I'm a lot of. A lot of. When you're coming up, New Year's is a really lucrative gig because people pay a lot of money for, like, a dinner and drinks package or whatever, and they'll go see whatever. But nobody actually wants to be at a comedy show on New Year's Eve.

[Chris DiStefano]

Most people don't.

[Stavros Halkias]

They want to be. They get there and they think it's a fun idea. But it's people who don't really go to comedy shows. They're not there for the comedy. They think it's like, oh, that guy will do his comedy while we talk and laugh and have fun. They're not there to actually see the show. So you just have to prepare for it to be the worst show of all time.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And I'm doing two of them. One at 8 and one at 10.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ooh. At least the 8. Maybe people will listen.

[Chris DiStefano]

The 8 will be.

[Stavros Halkias]

8 will be like, pre gaming for them.

[Chris DiStefano]

The 10 will be. You're getting the audience that's coming to that are people who are already legit hammered. And people. By the time I start to get into my closer, they're looking at their watch like, I need to get somewhere to watch the ball drop.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I gotta get off stage right now.

[Stavros Halkias]

One time I saw. I did see Louie on New Year's Eve in Baltimore back in the day.

[Chris DiStefano]

With my college, before his career blew, before. He was like, louie, Louie.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was kind of right in the middle of it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it was really funny. He just, like. He was just, like, looking at his phone and he was like, all right, it's New Year's. It was kind of fun.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Everyone was looking at 11:59. I was like, all right, that's it. And they were like, see ya. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And he just literally got off at 12.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But he killed all Killed, killed, killed.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really? It was cool to fucking see him there.

[Chris DiStefano]

But Lyric Theater was it.

[Stavros Halkias]

It might have been the one bigger than the lyric. Oh, okay. So, like the Meyerhoff or some shit. 5,000. The lyrics, like, the lyrics. Pretty big lyrics. Like 2500.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Which I love that place. I'm trying to figure out how I will be going back. We're figuring out the specifics of it. Little. Little hint for. For.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

A little something might have Something very special planned. Oh, who knows, dude? Who knows?

[Chris DiStefano]

You're roasting the Ravens.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

What would you do if that. No. Okay, here. But what about this diehard Baltimore Ravens fan? What. What would you do if Harbaugh called you in and was like, I want you to like, the. The team's in the Super Bowl. I think a roast of them would really get them in good spirits and have fun, loosen them up. Would you do that?

[Stavros Halkias]

I would. And the way I would do it is, like I said, I would just hire writers, but I would also, because it's the ra. If it was like going into the Super Bowl, I would lightly on them. And then more than anything, I would just make fun of the other teams.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, you know what I mean? I would call Ben Roethlisberger. I would. You know, I would maybe. Yeah, I would. I would do. I would call DeShawn Watson, actually. That's kind of pretty easy to make those jokes about the NFL. I call someone else a domestic abuser. You know, I would stay away from murder.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That really wouldn't be a topic I would bring up around Evans.

[Chris DiStefano]

Be sensitive to that.

[Stavros Halkias]

He had his day in court. The American criminal justice system worked the.

[Chris DiStefano]

Way it needs to be. He was acquitted, as was Kevin Spacey.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ray Lewis didn't have to come out of the closet. I love Kevin Spacey's. Like, I'm gay now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

That was so funny when Kevin Spacer was like, yeah, I'm actually gay, so, yeah, I guess it's okay that I people. And then he kept coming back and doing those, like, in character videos.

[Chris DiStefano]

Those were crazy. He did one for Tim Dillon.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I mean, Tim is Timmy Daddy. You got to tip your cap to Tim for employing an out of worked.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now it says, I'm abroad. Wrote in a question, said, which of you winter bears is going to do a solo guest bear episode first and who would be the guest?

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, so they want us to just fully do the podcast.

[Chris DiStefano]

They want us to take it over, as do the people running the network. The legal team is right outside that door. They're gonna. They're gonna chauffeur us to our flight.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, it's very funny because they don't even want to make eye contact with the producers here.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? They don't even let them. They talk through iPads.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, they're behind a wall. They can't be seen. They don't want to have an actual relationship.

[Chris DiStefano]

And by the way, this is a huge Operation. If you ever get, you know, if any of the fans ever know. I mean, this is a huge thing. Multiple employees, and they are one ad sponsor away from pulling out where Benson Spoon's getting fired. Where they don't have the money for his salary anymore.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Where they will do. Our idea to start prostituting out Benson Spoon.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. This is gonna go. This is gonna go from this, you know, went from LA to Austin. Now it's in this huge warehouse facility. They have all these beautiful cameras and green screen equipment. All that. And then eventually, little by little, it's gonna wind up just as a live show at the Mothership.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's gonna open for Kill Tony. Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what it'll be.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And that's be the glory.

[Stavros Halkias]

That'll be beautiful.

[Chris DiStefano]

That'll be a beautiful thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, I would say one thing, one problem I have with the. If I may do some. You know, we've been the ombudsman. We've talked about how the show is going. I think the problem with Two Bears, when they have a guest bear, never fat. And the whole. And first of all, Tom has. Tom has betrayed the very idea of the show. And you, to a certain extent, you know, even though in your heart you're fat. I'd like you to be fatter, too.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

If I were to do it, it would have to be someone who is fat as shit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, I don't know who. You know what major who is out there that merits. What obese person. Have they had a woman? Has it always been. Have they ever had. Has there been a woman on two bears?

[Chris DiStefano]

Ms. Pat would be perfect. You and Ms. Pat.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't want to waste that on two bears. That's a Stavi's world.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So it can't be too good.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I need that for my own shit. No, Ms. Pat's too good. Ms. Pat is great, but it's somebody, like, famous that I. Because one funny thing about Two Bears, it'll be like someone they have no business talking to.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? It's like, why is Matthew McConaughey here? Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

They need like, a fatty like Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family.

[Stavros Halkias]

He'd be good. He would be good. Gabriel Iglesias.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fluffy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Great.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fluffy.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would love to chop it up with Fluffy. Talk about, you know what? Oh, if you think on the Christmas episode I talk about my. My Chinese order, do you understand how long me and Gabriel and Glacis could go just talking, like, things we order? I bet you we could uninterrupted, for one hour, list foods.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Just keep going.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just. That would actually be fucking awesome.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I mean, you know, look, I mean, well, I mean, Louis ck, That's a good guest.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a woman, but I don't know who the fuck that is.

[Chris DiStefano]

The Undertaker.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think she's really famous.

[Chris DiStefano]

I think she's a.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

A.

[Chris DiStefano]

The Undertaker would have been a good episode for.

[Announcer]

With Bert.

[Chris DiStefano]

You could just give him some tips on.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, he's gonna die soon.

[Chris DiStefano]

On what the afterlife looks like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, sometimes James Gunn. That's cool. But not fat. Oh, fat. Director Guillermo del Toro.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

That would be really funny. Me and Gilmore Del Toro talking about Pan's Labyrinth and. Yeah, yeah. Not that many. Look, not that many fat people.

[Chris DiStefano]

Mark Norman is, like, rich, so he's not gonna work.

[Stavros Halkias]

But, yeah, I would say Gabriel Iglesias for me, because I would. I would want. I would want to keep the other. Like, they've had Stamos on that's a Dream. Stavis World guest. I gotta get him on a Greek show. Yeah, you know, let's get him. Let's really. Let's really get him in the zone. But again, this is. We are. This is our side job. Yeah, we don't. You know, this is like when you're dating someone and you actually see people you respect out in public. Public. And then you stop holding hands with them real fast.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's how me and Chris treat this podcast. Yes. We don't want to be identified as this. You know, we post what we are contractually obligated to post and not a piece of content more.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, like that couple that got caught having an affair on the Coldplay contract.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's us. That's us with Two Bears.

[Chris DiStefano]

Put our face on those people.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, I loved you and Chris on Two Bears. If they see us, which people have actually been very nice, but when they see me in public, I'm like, are you sure? I think that was H. Foley. Yeah, I think you're thinking of H. Foley.

[Chris DiStefano]

That was H. Foley and Giannis. Yeah, that wasn't us. Now look much like the roast of the Jersey Shore, because we're gonna have. I'm gonna have to roast them, then also say nice things about them, because you got to give respect. Respect to. Course, what these Tom and Bert have created is pretty insane.

[Stavros Halkias]

Relax, Chris.

[Chris DiStefano]

What they have is.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's. Try and do it a little smoother than that. Let 1. Let's change the topic. And then at the end, let's go back Obviously, we're friends with Burton Tom, but don't immediately be like, now it's be. Yeah, I do love that about roast, where someone who clearly doesn't have a relationship with someone will be like, you fucked your daughter in the ass. You're a fucking piece of shit. But hey, we love you, big guy. No, you don't.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I'm just. Because I'm now trying to. To really systematically get out of this Jersey Shore thing. And I'm thinking how I can replace that income is by Spring Bears locking it in now.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's true. That is true. You're already thinking about Spring Bears, and we will be back with even lower. If they'll have us, we'll be back with even lower effort.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, dude. You know how. How bad Spring Bears is going to be? We started in like March. It's just us with allergies, just all flow nazed out, tired from Benadryl, just really, really trying to just shit through four episodes.

[Stavros Halkias]

I do hope to be. Yes, I do hope that's my New Year's resolution. I'd love to. Let's see how far we can push. We should get shittier audio. We should get shittier audio quality. We should use shittier cameras. Yeah, we should see how low we can take the form of podcast. Yeah, that should be like our artistic. Yeah, like that. It's performance art.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right, Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's take this medium and really push it to the.

[Chris DiStefano]

We're not even in the shot. It's just half our heads.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like that. Yeah, we're doing it backwards. Yeah, we're doing it like the IDF takes their. Fucking. Takes their. Their. Their ID pictures like this.

[Chris DiStefano]

I got that for Tom, didn't you? That Garth Brooks card. Oh, nice. That's. That's nice. And I got it for him as a gift.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's beautiful, man.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, now I just knocked it over.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. What's that Garth Brooks card?

[Chris DiStefano]

Because, you know, he's got like the feud, like the thing with Garth Brooks.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know, but what's the card? He.

[Chris DiStefano]

Garth Brooks played like in a celebrity baseball game. And I got it in embroidered. It says Garth G. Brooks, 300 Bodies, Tulsa, Oklahoma. Yeah, I'm surprised. Did Garth sue Tom for that? I mean, I'm sure he's in an act of lawsuit, I'd imagine.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, probably.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I'd imagine that.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's why Tom doesn't ever come back to his house. Yeah, he doesn't want to get served papers by Garth Brooks.

[Chris DiStefano]

Could you imagine?

[Stavros Halkias]

He's just fucking fleeing.

[Chris DiStefano]

That would Actually be the. That should be our guest on Two Bears. One giveaway. He's fat and he just serves a dual purpose. That is the answer to your question. I'm abroad is the guest would be Garth Brooks.

[Stavros Halkias]

G. Brooks.

[Chris DiStefano]

That is the.

[Stavros Halkias]

Guess that is a good one.

[Chris DiStefano]

That is the guest.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bring him in. That is.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then what else do we got here?

[Stavros Halkias]

Do we have it? Does the booth have any final. A final New Year's thought they want us to do or.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, here's a question from Johnny. We. When I was a kid, I always wanted an AR15 for Christmas. I unfortunately never got it because I was deemed mentally unfit to stand trial. What was the one childhood Christmas gift you always wanted but never got?

[Stavros Halkias]

Right. I know. I. You can tell. You didn't even even pre read that because we talked about that last episode.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's about Christmas. So you kind of blew it there.

[Chris DiStefano]

So there you go.

[Stavros Halkias]

I literally asked you. You had no good answer. That actually might have been the dead spot of the last episode. You actually rehashed a topic of discussion that nothing funny came out of.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right. And that's the kind of work you'll see at the Jersey Shore Roast.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you know what, Chris? I salute you because that's the perfect way to end our 10 as the for Winter Bears is an unfunny, retreaded, unfunny retreaded joke.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

My best one was a GameCube, though I never answered on Christmas. Okay. When the game, I was pretty late. I was pretty. I was older. But it was like me and my brothers, we've never bonded more than we got that gamecube playing Star Fox and shit. It was a fucking good time.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I am excited about 2026.

[Chris DiStefano]

Good.

[Stavros Halkias]

I. In all I do, as much as I make fun of your hell yes or no. Know how trite.

[Chris DiStefano]

And.

[Stavros Halkias]

And like, that's the most. Like a woman who's been in a sexless marriage for 30 years. And yeah, she's embroidering that on a throw pillow as we speak.

[Chris DiStefano]

By the way, that is how I will end the Jersey Shore Roast. Is that quote.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love that when someone is bombing and they try and pretend they're doing an inspirational speech.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But anyway, guys, stay up. You guys are the best man and I love you so much. And if it's remember, remember, if it's not a hell yes, it's a no. Trying to get the audience to say it with.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nobody says it. Just a mic hits the speaker.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like yeah, I'm excited for 2026. I. You know, hopefully Tom and Bert keep not caring about this show and keep asking us to come in and fill in some time. Yeah, we'll be here for Spring Bears and then Summer Bears again. Finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fingers crossed, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

Fingers crossed. We'll be here. But we love you. Thank you for allowing us to be your substitute teachers for these four weeks. We really, really rolled out. We really brought out the fucking TV with the cart. Yes, the roll cart. And we just played Fern Gully and we called that. That was for. Because we're. We're substitute teaching, like, environmental science, and we just play a cartoon about. About fucking planet.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's our hero. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

We will talk to you guys. Hey, who knows? Come see us on the road by the calendar. We have the Stavi's World.

[Chris DiStefano]

There it is.

[Stavros Halkias]

I got the calendar. The 2026 calendar for sale. Now I'm on the road, the final leg of the Dreamboat Tour. And we're trying to figure out when we're gonna. I'm trying to make plans to film the special at the end of it. So come see this material for the last time. Live Stavi biz. Listen to Stavi's World. All that good stuff. Watch me on YouTube. All that good stuff.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Do it up.

[Chris DiStefano]

Do everything Stavi just told you to do. Also, listen, history hyenas coming at you every Thursday. And ChristyComedy.com the only show I have on sale right now is in Charlestown, West Virginia, Charleston Racing. Come see the show. I might be doing Vegas in February, but the goal is to stay in the original 13 colonies and just kind of just get freedom back into our seats.

[Stavros Halkias]

Beautiful. Thank you. That's a beautiful goal. See you guys. Bye Bye.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Burt and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that.

[Stavros Halkias]

They'Ll keep it clean.

[Chris DiStefano]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.