Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Podcast Information:

• Title: Sampling Your Own Sauce | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
• Host/Authors: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
• Release Date: April 21, 2025
• Description: Weekly, comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer gather in the bear cave at YMH Studios to engage in hilarious conversations and antics.

---

1. Health Regimens and IV Therapy

The episode kicks off with Bert and Tom discussing their commitment to health, specifically focusing on intravenous (IV) therapies.

• Bert Kreischer introduces their health regimen:

  "We believe full, wholeheartedly in IVs." ([00:46])

• Tom Segura shares his experiences with NAD injections:

  "Every time I get this, though. Thank you, buddy. Every time I get this, I think about heroin, though, how much fun that has to be..." ([02:35])

• They humorously compare IVs to drug use, highlighting the immediate effects versus long-term benefits:

  "There’s nothing to do with this is nitrous oxide..." ([04:07])

• Coco, their nurse, provides professional insights into the benefits and administration of IV therapies, ensuring both hosts understand the processes:

  "That is going into your bloodstream. When you take anything orally, you're not absorbing all of that." ([02:28])

2. Watches and the Allure of Rolex

Transitioning from health to luxury, Bert and Tom delve into the world of high-end watches, with a particular focus on Rolex.

• Bert Kreischer expresses his fascination:

  "Rolex is terrifying as a brand and a company because they're like the Vatican." ([09:01])

• They discuss the stringent standards Rolex maintains for its authorized dealers:

  "They check everything from the cloth on the table... How many men really want expensive watches?" ([09:26])

• Tom Segura highlights the brand's prestige and the psychological impact it has on consumers and sellers alike:

  "They protect their brand with the fierceness of a lion." ([09:26])

• Bert contrasts Rolex with more accessible options like Tudor, emphasizing the craftsmanship behind luxury timepieces:

  "Tudor is an amazing watch. It's made by Rolex. It's in the family of Rolex." ([14:24])

3. Porsche Passion and Car Culture

The conversation shifts to automobiles, specifically Porsche, despite Bert’s earlier admission of not being a car enthusiast.

• Bert Kreischer shares an anecdote involving Kyle Busch, highlighting his lack of car knowledge:

  "I said, 'I'm not a car guy.' And he goes, 'What do you mean?'" ([15:39])

• Tom Segura explains Porsche’s business strategy, balancing high-performance models with popular SUVs to maintain profitability:

  "The GT division is basically supported by the fact that they sell so many of these other cars." ([16:25])

• They joke about their non-expertise while appreciating the brand’s legacy and design:

  "The Porsche is like pussy. Pussy is... They’re just exactly the same thing." ([17:31])

4. The Influence of Social Media and Performative Lifestyles

Bert and Tom engage in a deep discussion about the impact of Instagram on personal aspirations and the performative nature of modern lifestyles.

• Bert Kreischer reflects on his overuse of Instagram and its effects on his mental state:

  "I realized why I was so... I have to leave our phones in the car." ([38:05])

• Tom Segura concurs, noting that while social media can fuel desires, the intrinsic motivations existed prior:

  "It's not like 30 years ago, people weren't thinking of those things." ([41:02])

• They debate whether social platforms are merely amplifying existing desires or creating new ones, ultimately agreeing that technology plays a significant role in shaping modern ambitions.

5. Interactions at the Iron Bear and Gay Bars

The hosts recount their lively experiences visiting the Iron Bear, a popular gay bar, highlighting the inclusive and vibrant atmosphere.

• Tom Segura describes the diverse crowd and the welcoming vibe:

  "Everybody was there... They were just really cool." ([46:06])

• Bert Kreischer humorously critiques the interactions, emphasizing the friendly and hands-on nature of the patrons:

  "Gay men are handsy... they hope they grab your ass." ([48:31])

• They share light-hearted stories about meeting various individuals, including humorous attempts to flirt and navigate social cues within the bar environment.

6. Anecdotes and Personal Stories

Throughout the episode, Bert and Tom share a series of personal anecdotes that showcase their comedic chemistry and camaraderie.

• Bert Kreischer reminisces about childhood stories, including a humorous recounting of Christian McCaffrey’s experiences with IVs:

  "Christian McCaffrey, he's like 12. His dad was a savage." ([01:25])

• They discuss their struggles with health-related fears, such as needle phobia, infusing humor into relatable experiences:

  "The majority of people have... this is their biggest fear." ([01:08])

• Tom Segura and Bert explore the concept of performative actions, reflecting on their own behaviors and motivations in various scenarios.

7. Closing Remarks and Light-Hearted Banter

As the episode wraps up, Bert and Tom engage in playful banter, discussing future content ideas and reinforcing their bond.

• They joke about creating humorous cocktails and launching playful challenges for their listeners:

  "It's called the UTI. It's cranberry and vodka." ([56:19])

• The hosts express their enjoyment of the episode’s events and tease upcoming segments, maintaining the episode’s high energy until the end.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer on IVs:

  "We're getting glutathione, which is... It is good for your..." ([02:29])

• Tom Segura on Social Media Impact:

  "It's not like 30 years ago, people weren't thinking of those things." ([41:02])

• Bert Kreischer on Rolex:

  "Rolex has more money than God." ([10:08])

• Tom Segura on NAD Shots and Comparisons:

  "Every time I get this, though... I think about heroin..." ([02:35])

---

Conclusion:

In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer navigate a wide array of topics, from health regimens and luxury watches to the pervasive influence of social media and vibrant nightlife experiences. Their seamless blend of personal anecdotes, insightful discussions, and comedic exchanges offers listeners both laughter and thoughtful reflections on modern life. Whether debating the merits of Rolex timepieces or exploring the performative aspects of social media, Tom and Bert deliver an engaging and entertaining episode that encapsulates their unique friendship and comedic flair.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

My new special, Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.

[Tom Segura]

The 2 Bears 5K is less than 2 weeks away. And listen, you can come in person or you can run virtually. First of all, though, you have to sign [e-mail] and here's the best part.

[Bert Kreischer]

When the race is over, we've got free samplings of Porosos Garage Beers sending us some beers. We've got other sponsors sending us a bunch of free stuff. And we're going to be partying on the infield music. We got cold plunge, we got saunas, we got everything.

[Tom Segura]

It's a full party. And whether you come and run with us in person or virtually, you're going to get your shirts, your sweatbands, you get your medals. Come participate. Sign up. Whether you do it in person or virtually, two bears5k.com sign up now 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey guys. Brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave. It's me and Tommy and our health regiment. We believe full, wholeheartedly in IVs. Giving us our IV today is Coco. Coco is about to stick. Tom, if you have a fear of needles, turn your head.

[Tom Segura]

Run that timer, boys.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know the majority of people, majority of people have. This is their biggest fear.

[Tom Segura]

Needles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Needles.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here we go. I love watching it. Boom. She's good, isn't she?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I've actually never seen one go in right there.

[Coco]

No, I had a big juicy one there. So pick me. Pick me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you ever hear Kristen McCaffrey story of getting one?

[Tom Segura]

Christian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Christian McCaffrey?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

So his dad used to get IVs every day before big games for him. He'd take him to go get him an IV. Yeah, one time, Christian McCaffrey, he's like fucking 12. His dad was a savage.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, his dad really prepped him and.

[Bert Kreischer]

The guy missed the vein. And his arm, Coco, you've heard of this. His arm just started swelling up with fluid. And Christian McCaffrey's like, dad, Dad. And his dad's like, take it out. Let's go, let's go. And he gets in the car and he's like, dad. He's like, nevermind, these IVs are a bad idea.

[Tom Segura]

I think he had him on like nutrition plans and, and like his training regimen from the NFL that Ed was doing. Yeah, but when he was a kid, it's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to do that with your boys. Yeah, sure, I would, I would. This is what I, if I, if I could start over, I would have taught one girl. I would have had one of my daughters be a nurse. And the other. Hey, Coco. Coco. How good are IVs for you? They're amazing for you.

[Coco]

Of that is going into your bloodstream. When you take anything orally. You're not absorbing all of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this is going into our cells?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this is like.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're getting glutathione, which is. Is. It is good. It's good for your.

[Tom Segura]

Every time I get this, though. Thank you, buddy. Every time I get this, I think about heroin, though, how much fun that has to be, because that goes right into your bloodstream, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

So the NAD that we're getting at the end of this, Coco's gonna give us NAD shots. Yeah, they say, so we're getting 200 milligrams. And by the way, we're not doctors. We're just reciting what Coco said. 200mg is probably pre typical. You can do an NAD drip where.

[Tom Segura]

I do 500 when I get the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Drip, Joe gets 500 when he does the drip. And Joe does the drip with a push. So he gets a bag pushing it so it goes faster.

[Tom Segura]

That's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this guy's giving me my nad. He does not know that I know Joe. And he goes, yeah. He said, do you want to drip? And I said, no, I'll just take the intermuscular. And he goes, you know, there's this guy that gets the drip, and he does it fast. Said he can do it in, like, fucking 10 minutes. I said, who? He goes, his name's Joe Rogan. And he goes, big intravenous drug user. I said, who? He said, joe Rogan. I said, what makes you say that? And he goes, well, that's who likes the drip fast. Am I right, Coco? Intravenous drug user.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Because it's like, it crushes you. Like, when I. Yeah, I do it. When I get it regularly, I do the 500. And they go, oh, you're taking it pretty quick. It still takes me, I guess, pretty quick for the 500 would be like an hour. And.

[Coco]

And I've one patient do it in, like, 30 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

But.

[Tom Segura]

So that's amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Joe Rogan.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But there is that feeling when you get it where, like, it actually can. Like, you feel pain, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you feel like you're having a heart attack.

[Tom Segura]

So how did. Like, why would an intravenous drug user enjoy that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Here, Coco, come here. Stand next to me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like, what about it would be.

[Coco]

Well, I don't know. I guess it depends kind of like, what their high is that they're chasing and what sensation they're wanting.

[Tom Segura]

Nothing about that feels pleasurable, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, when you take nad, you feel like you're having a heart attack. Yeah, it's like this.

[Tom Segura]

And I feel it sometimes in the.

[Coco]

Head, like kind of crude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Congestion, sneezing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, now, hold on. Do. That's what I get when I get nad intermuscular. Would that happen because I always get clogged in my nose?

[Coco]

Yeah, it could be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn it.

[Tom Segura]

But then afterwards, you feel great. You feel great. I'll tell you the other thing that I. There's nothing to do with this is nitrous oxide. Like, when you're. I. I was just in the office.

[Bert Kreischer]

Coco, you ever tried poppers?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, that was the best. I was laying there and they were like, take, you know, inhale five times, breathe back into the thing because it gives you night. And then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you're not talking, like, outside of Dave Matthews concert, you're talking. I'm talking about a doctor.

[Tom Segura]

A doctor. And I go, okay. And I was. I felt so high. And the doctor was like, do you feel it? And I go, not really. And they go, just keep doing it. I was like, okay. I was like, oh, this is the best, but it's out of your system so fast. Can you get us some of that?

[Coco]

I don't have that.

[Tom Segura]

Damn.

[Bert Kreischer]

What kind of scripts can you get us?

[Coco]

Not that exciting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, can we get you a bottle of vodka? Do you like vodka?

[Coco]

I do.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, we got vodka.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can we give a bottle of vodka to you? Yeah, we have our own vodka.

[Coco]

We have a wedding this weekend, so one of my co workers will. I'll bring it with me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you give. Can you give IVs to yourself?

[Tom Segura]

I have.

[Coco]

So when I had come closer when I had the influenza, I didn't want to go to the clinic and get everybody else sick, so. So I stuck it in my hand myself.

[Tom Segura]

I will tell you this. This is the thing that has been so crazy to me. I would say three or four times in the last year, and I wouldn't, like. I wouldn't say this if I didn't have repeated evidence of this. Where, you know, we. We travel a lot for a living, so we're always around people. You're a lot of people shaking hands, all this. And I. I regularly get colds, get sick, viruses, you know, and you kind of know when it's day one, you're like, ah, I'm getting sick four or five times in the last year. It's been day one. And I got heavy Nad like two, three days in a row, and just. It went away. And I'm like, holy. And I try to. I want to tell people that. Because, dude, like, I have seen it multiple times now where, like, I know I'm about to be sick for two weeks, and it's like, oh, I just didn't get sick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now what's. This is where I'm going to sound out of touch to our fans. I don't know what an IV costs. And I get them every week. I get one a week, and I'll tell you. Anyone listening? My blood work came back, like, two months ago. And partying. Still partying. Still own vodka. Best numbers I had ever had. And I said, well, I hadn't drank in a couple days. And Denise said, it takes 100 days to change a biomarker. So it's not that. It's whatever you're doing. And I was like, it's fucking IVs. Do you know who put me onto this? Chappelle.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chappelle owns his own IV company. You're with Chappelle. And he's like, yo, you want an IV? I go, it's 2 in the morning. He's like, that's okay. Someone shows up in their pajamas with rubber gloves on, and ever since then, I've been that. So if you're like me and you party, how. What's the cheapest you can get an IV for?

[Tom Segura]

Depends what's in it, right?

[Coco]

It really depends. Like, the most basic drip is probably around $200. But it also depends where you. You know, bigger cities, they might mark it up a little more than Little Town.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know Tech9? Tech9 owns an IV company?

[Tom Segura]

Tech9 does.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tech9 owns the IV company. I'm telling you right now. Hang on, Jordan. Is. Is your. Is. Is your. Owns your company, right? I'm not fucking around. I want to start an IV company just so I can get a deal on IVs. I get IVs every other.

[Tom Segura]

I think there's probably a different way to get a deals. There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

$25,000. I looked into a fractional franchise. All I need is a brick and mortar, and I'm thinking about buying a building to start an IV company just so I can get fucking IVs. Cheap.

[Tom Segura]

Tell Jordan we said what's up? And thank you, please.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, tell Jordan thank you and thank you and don't go. You're not going anywhere. Yeah, no, no, no, no. You can go stand off there. Sorry, but I realize you're not gonna just Leave.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. Tripping. Good.

[Tom Segura]

So speaking of being out of touch and not knowing the prices of things, you see this new line of Rolexes that came out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, they look great. They look great. Let's talk. Let's spend the whole time talking about Rolexes.

[Tom Segura]

The funny thing to me about, if you talk to, like, watch people, you know that, like, people are in that world. They're like, people are scared of Rolex. Rolex is terrifying as a brand and a company because they're like the Vatican. They. They're so powerful, they will crush people who are. I mean, they protect the. Out of their brand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

The way that they will. The way that they allow you to be, let's say an authorized dealer. Dude. They send in people that you don't know are there. They check everything from the cloth on the table that you display on the way that the, The. The logo is displayed on the wall, and they give you critiques that you don't know about. At the end of the year, they come in and they go, you didn't do this shit right. And if you don't do it right again, we're just going to pull it from here. People get, like, scared it.

[Bert Kreischer]

All I'm saying is like, I will never do anything justice. As much as this podcast acquired.

[Tom Segura]

That sounds really cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

They talk about that. They talk about the fact that Rolex does not have a brick and mortar. They have one. It's in Geneva, One Rolex store. Everyone else is certified dealers. They talk about how the guy who started Rolex set everything up in a trust. So Rolex has more money than God.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

So when, when the, when the market dips and everyone else scrambles to try to figure out fucking what to do, he's. He's like, yeah, the Rolex is like, we'll be good for the next hundred years.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's also cool? And there's the last thing I'm gonna say about watches. And I just need you please continue. I. I just. This is what I think's cool. We don't need them. You don't need a watch. It's almost, like, stupid to have a. You have to be a fucking idiot to have a watch on. Only a fucking moron would spend $80,000 on a watch. A fucking idiot.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Just to tell the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

But that's what makes it sexy. Yeah, that's what makes it sexy that we're using an antiquated timepiece. Handmade, handcrafted. If you open mine up on the back, you can see the inner workings of this watch and this does it so much better. Do you know what also does it really good? Hey, what time is it? It's crazy, but I think that's so fucking. You know what it's like? It's like walking to work. It's like walking to work. It's like. It's like fucking in the kitchen. It's old school. I just think that's the funniest thing about watches is like, it's like fucking in the kitchen.

[Tom Segura]

Rolex. It's like fucking in the kitchen.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like fucking in the kitchen.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

And man, I'll tell you right now, I'm not a watch guy. I'm into Rolexes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I, and I, and I, and I. The reason I love. I take that back. I have two other watches. I have two other watches. A good friend gave me one. One of our good friends. And then I got one in Paris.

[Tom Segura]

That wasn't a Rolex.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wasn't a Rolex.

[Tom Segura]

Good for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll never wear them, but what's cool about them, and this is a soft pitch to anyone who's not irate right now, is Tudor is an amazing watch. And it's made by Rolex. It's in the family of Rolex. Tudor's a great watch.

[Tom Segura]

Well, listen, I know, and it's a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great way to celebrate a benchmark in your life and to make you smile. Every now and then you look at.

[Tom Segura]

Your watch, you're either into it or you're not. I mean, I know there's, there's, there's obviously a huge, huge fan base for this. And people do it for, get into it for different reasons. Some of it for the, the art involved. Because they are like pieces of art.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Some of it. So like you say, Mark, I look.

[Bert Kreischer]

At this watch and my special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. There you go. And it was streamed in the top 10 for two weeks. And I treated myself when I went to Vegas and I said, every time I look at this watch, I remind. I remember that two weeks, how everyone was hitting me up about their dogs. And like, it was just a great moment in my life. So I, I buy something to remind myself of the good feelings.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's a, that's a great move. And I know, like, like, I've, we've heard you. We know the fans love watch talk. And we promise, you know, we're, we'll keep it up. We'll keep telling you things that we've acquired that, that you can dream about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's talk about Porsches. Can I tell you what is interesting?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not a car guy at all.

[Tom Segura]

I know you're not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not. I was with Kyle Busch and I, I said, he said, what kind of car do you drive? And I said, oh, it's a Mercedes. He goes, what kind? And I Said the white one. The white one. And he goes, what? I said, I'm not a car guy. And he goes, wait, what do you mean?

[Tom Segura]

You just told him a color?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, well, he walked past it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was. I was like, it was the white one. And he goes. He goes, you really don't follow cars? And I said, not at all. And I'm being dead serious after that Porsche podcast.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think Porsche is the sexiest. Just hearing them talk about a brand.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the longevity of the brand and what. What struggles the brand has had. You told me last night. This is. I think in conversations like this are fascinating to me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You said the. The. What were the two that are just carrying the brand right now?

[Tom Segura]

Well, for. For several years now, the Maan has been, like, the top seller. And the. The cayenne, the. The SUVs, these do extremely well for the company. And basically, the cars that, like, people are, I would say, the most passionate about is like, the GT line for. For Porsche, like, GT3s and everything. Everyone's like, those are the, like, the coolest cars. Those are that line. The GT division is basically supported by the fact that they sell so many of these other cars. I think it wouldn't be. They wouldn't be profitable if they were like, we just make GT3s. It wouldn't be a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a really interesting pivot because. And this is maybe this is a disconnect where people hear us talk about watches and they don't understand. It's not. It's not talking about the ones we actually have. It's always about the ones you want.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What's fun for me is, like, this. The chase.

[Bert Kreischer]

The chase.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, it's like pussy. Pussy is. This is a very good pussy. And Porsches are line, like, they're just exactly the same thing. You're just. You can't wait to get it. And then once you dump inside, you're like, I'd like to try another one. You know, dude, that's also. It's like dog slogan for Porsche.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dogs. Tom, you know how I love to fuck dogs. Yeah. Coco, you're really getting an earful on this podcast. What's. What's funny is, like, when. So when we got Priscilla.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And you fucked it, and I thought.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fucked her to death. The best part of Priscilla, in my opinion, was the six months, maybe seven months leading up where I was looking at breeders and I was looking at breeds, and I was trying to pick what dog we needed as a family. And that was my favorite part. I hope you're connecting to this and understanding what I'm talking about. It's like the funnest part of buying a car is looking at cars is the funnest part. And I do this. I eventize my life way too much. Like, right now, the greatest part about today is Sunday for me, because it's the Masters. Just started today.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I can't wait to Sunday. I'm picking out my outfit. I'm wearing my Masters hat. I'm going to be watching it all day. I'm going to be drinking mint juleps. I'm so excited for Sunday because the Masters started today. And that is the whole thing about any good you want and whether it's watches. Dude, never buy a watch. But look at them. They're so fun to look at. I've looked at, dude, I look at watches I'll never buy. John Mayer has one of the baddest watches.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ever.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's very cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's it called is ap?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's an ap.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a John Mayer ap.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, you really want to get blown out of the water, listen to the podcast John Mayer did with Ed Sheeran.

[Tom Segura]

Have you heard that those two are really, really deep?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you can't. You can't. John Mayer doesn't say nice watch. Do you know what he says? Oh, serial number AP4579.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice. I've got 7, 8, 02. He's.

[Tom Segura]

He's really, really other level. He's, like, probably the best celebrity ambassador for that entire field. I think he's the best one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really.

[Tom Segura]

He's so passionate about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

He really is. And by the way, his collection is like.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's world class. Ed Sheeran is also a huge, huge collector.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Really crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's that. That for me, like, I'm nowhere near there, and not even remotely. I don't even think, like, Sylvester Stone Stallone's crazy. You can't tell you what you can't tell you. Someone who fucking shaded me for my watch.

[Tom Segura]

Who?

[Bert Kreischer]

Shaq. What do you mean, you stupid. Spending all that money on a watch. Invictus. Invictus. So much better. Get. Get that shit off your wrist. Get your money back. Get an Invictus. Go to Invictus. And part of me was like, does Shaq own Invictus? Probably. Because I said, how do you. What kind of watch do you wear? Because you're so big, like, you know, like, how small is a toothbrush? In his mouth.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, yeah, I know, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever sit on a toilet and your dick hits the. Hits the porcelain?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How the fuck does he.

[Tom Segura]

Every time he shits, he's holding his balls and he's just like.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he goes, invictus. Invictus is a great line of watches. They really are.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, He's. He's. He also owns a plane. Did you tell him that when he said to get your money back, he bought a Challenger?

[Bert Kreischer]

He did, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, man, get your money back. Just buy plane tickets.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. Can we pivot and talk about Mexican women?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Coco, are you Mexican? No.

[Coco]

Everybody thinks I am.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you?

[Coco]

I'm Italian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, old school.

[Tom Segura]

I saw a clip of you on. Yeah, look at your eyes. I saw a clip of you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Speed me up on Rogan saying you speak Spanish because everybody in Florida speaks Spanish.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Did you also say you speak Italian?

[Bert Kreischer]

Claro. No, I don't. Maybe I do.

[Tom Segura]

Did you say that, though?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't speak Italian. I speak Spanish. I speak enough. Apparently, I don't speak good Spanish.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, you were just in Spain, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I was in Spain. And apparently my Spanish sounds a lot like. Like, me. Ice. Need.

[Tom Segura]

How would you say it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yo necessito ice.

[Tom Segura]

I mean. Okay, you get a part of it, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yo necessito frio.

[Tom Segura]

I need cold.

[Bert Kreischer]

There we go. Okay. Then George is like, dad, you're not speaking what you think you're speaking. And I'm like, you serious? He's like, but you, buddy, you sound horrible. Horrific. So.

[Tom Segura]

But you said it with full confidence.

[Bert Kreischer]

I say it very confident.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's a. That's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

To ques agua. That means yo ko agua.

[Tom Segura]

That's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But here's the thing about Mexican women, okay? So pretend you're my. My husband. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

My husband.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm in the. I'm the Mexican woman.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're my husband. Okay. Can you do a wide shot on two of us? Okay. Come to me. So I'm sending you to work. First off, we're gonna start with Mexican women's lunch boxes for their husband. Google it. It's fucking incredible. Okay? They hand them the lunchbox and then they do this. They go and they kiss you. I think that's the coolest shit in the world.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every Mexican woman does it to her husband when they leave the house. They do the signs of the cross on them. Yeah, I think that's fucking badass. Is your husband Mexican?

[Tom Segura]

But he's gonna like it. Yeah, of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mexican women's lunch boxes are freaking. No, no, no, no. Not the goddamn actual lunchbox. The stuff they put in it. You guys are horrible.

[Tom Segura]

Packed lunches. Mexican women's packed lunches, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, look at this, look at this, look at this. Okay, go, go to that. That's right. Lunch at 5am she's making sure. Watch this. Give him the signs of the cross. She gives. Yeah, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, she's making them. Oh, yeah. God, there's not a white woman on earth.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, look at this. Look. She puts homemade salsa. Okay. She gets. They always do some melon lime on the side. Look at this. Perfecto.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, he's got a feast to go to work. Dude, you realize if he brings any of that back, she's gonna hit him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, okay, that's the. She keeps them warm. Up top. Oh, they always do smoothies. They always do smoothies for their husbands. Look at that.

[Tom Segura]

Launcher for my husband.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at that. She did this. I told you. Yeah, I told you. They do the signs of the cross.

[Tom Segura]

Of course. My mother used to do that to all of us, by the way. Leaving the house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Tom Segura]

Every day. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guess what? We're gonna start. Let's start a new secret handshake.

[Tom Segura]

Secret handshake.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're gonna do signs of the cross on each other.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

There's. It's a whole line of these.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I am obsessed. I'm obsessed. A Mexican culture just really got to me this week.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's an awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this.

[Tom Segura]

Do you go to Mexico?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been to Mexico.

[Tom Segura]

No, I mean, like, regularly.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Unless I need something.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my gosh. Shout out to the fucking guy. We were at the bottle signing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, keep going. Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

He gave me Vyvanse.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shut. Oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, is this.

[Bert Kreischer]

She just. Hold on. Did she just make a fucking salsa real quick?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she did. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's just making her sauces. Yeah, she's making sauces for her husband right now.

[Tom Segura]

Which? Nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, she just made a homemade queso. This is the Mexican women fucking rock. And all I'll say is if you're a black woman and you're listening to this show. Number one. I'm shocked. Number two. Number two. Yo, post your video. I want to see black women making lunches for their husbands. And now I want to see white women making lunches for their husbands. And this is a game show I would fucking invest in.

[Tom Segura]

It's called which Race is Better?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called Race wars and it's. Look at this. She's making fucking enchiladas for her husband. She's wearing rubber gloves. And he puts his fingers inside her and she's still wearing rubber gloves. Look at this. My God. Oh, different. Yeah, sausage. Oh, it's the fucking Mexican flag, Tom. It's the fucking Mexican flag. It's the fucking Mexican flag.

[Tom Segura]

It's really beautiful the way she did it, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm ashamed of being white right now.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's not the first time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this. I bet that rice is so soft.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's all. It's all delicious. Oh, she's making churros.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom. It's the Mexican fucking flag. Tom. It's the Mexican flag. Tom.

[Tom Segura]

I know. This is a. Oh, my God. I could watch homemade salsas being made on a loop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

You make homemade salsa?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this. Look at this. Can I tell you the only. I'll tell you right now. There's one gay couple.

[Tom Segura]

How's this guy not 400 pounds?

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I could. I mean, I can tell you how he fucking moves his body for 13 hours a day. Guys. Fucking. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gave the guys. Okay, okay, hold on. You gotta find. Find the gay black couple. I don't know what their names are. The gay black couple that make food. Food for each other. One's like a queen. He's got long nails and the other's like power bottom. Like he's a fucking man. And. And he's like, hey. And he claps his nails like this and he's like, that's him. You fucking found him. First shot, first shot, first shot. Go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Tom, this guy is awesome.

[Tom Segura]

So for today, I made you hot honey sliders with Mac and cheese. Enjoy. That's a ton of food, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, right? But watch him eat. It's so sensual. He's big about his pickles.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You watch this a lot?

[Bert Kreischer]

I watch this a lot.

[Tom Segura]

He's so happy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, do you see him eat the Mac and cheese now?

[Tom Segura]

How is he not £400?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he fucking slams this dude night and day.

[Tom Segura]

Just fucks all the weight off of him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, this couple confuses me so much. This Mac and cheese always looks good. This page is worth the follow.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, that's like a 3,000 calorie lunch.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a fucking big meal. Can I tell you? Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of sounds, by the way. That sounds like they're so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, he does. This is a misstep. If you are. If you work at the Hot Cheetos company. Yeah, this guy with Hot Cheetos.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he does.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, he does Hot Cheetos everything. Hot Cheetos chicken tenders. Hot Cheetos fried chicken. Hot Cheetos. He is awesome. Oh, go to. Just go to Hot Cheetos. Go to Hot Cheetos. Look at this.

[Tom Segura]

What the fuck is that? So for tonight, I made you deep fried Boldek hot Cheeto balls with custom nacho cheese sauce.

[Bert Kreischer]

Deep fried boiled egg. Hot Cheeto balls.

[Tom Segura]

What in. I also got you some ranch on the side.

[Bert Kreischer]

How is this guy not £300?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, seriously, he's not only. He's not even a little overweight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I get a cross section, please? That's the only thing I'd say. Can I see what's inside that?

[Tom Segura]

What does he say it's called?

[Bert Kreischer]

Deep fried hot Cheeto boiled eggs.

[Tom Segura]

I'll take cheese.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's insane, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

I kind of want to watch them.

[Tom Segura]

You can.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet I can. I bet they have See if they have an only fans. They have an only fans. We're going to it right now. By the way, can I tell you what I love about black men? Not these black men.

[Tom Segura]

8.7 million followers on Tik Tok. Real Jaylin, please have an only fans.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please have an only fans. Please have an only fans. Please have an only fans.

[Tom Segura]

He's the nail king.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please have an only fans.

[Tom Segura]

No. Fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, real Jaylin, that's 25 bucks right there. You missed out on. Now I guess you don't. I just am suggesting that I want to watch you and your husband fuck. So I guess maybe that's something you want to keep private. But wait, do you think anyone's ever gone on my.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, this guy's eating an insane amount of food.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, look at the green one. Go to the green one. That's not broccoli. That's not broccoli. What do you think that is, Tommy?

[Tom Segura]

It says, bro, they done fried duolingo. Before you ask, I already got an appointment for Friday, so it's covered.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you need me to pay for it?

[Tom Segura]

No, I got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You sure? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So for today, I made you St Patrick's Day for our tender tenders with a loaded baked potato and, of course, special sauce on the side. Enjoy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at that tender.

[Tom Segura]

If I had one of these meal 1.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want chicken tenders now.

[Tom Segura]

I would have so much diarrhea for so long.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I would have a day's worth of diarrhea.

[Bert Kreischer]

He with pickles, too. He puts a pickle on everything.

[Tom Segura]

I like pickles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So you know what? You know, Instagram's kind of like the zoo a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I feel like I'm just sneaking into their lives. Yeah. And watching it and going like, that's so crazy. Mm. And then I go back to my life, and I'm like, that was a close call.

[Tom Segura]

I almost killed a guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you whose life I've. Can I tell you whose life I've been stalking?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

God. What's her fucking name? Lost Sleepy.

[Tom Segura]

Lost Sleepy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lost Sleepy.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lost Sleepy. Lost Sleepy. Yeah, go down Lost Sleepy.

[Tom Segura]

That first one there, I think it's his.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it is. Nope, that's not her. It's Lost Sleepy.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lost Sleepy. That's Lost Sleepy. That's Lost Sleepy.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yes, you Lost Sleepy. Hang on, hang on. Go. Scroll down. You Lost Sleepy. There. Get the middle one. The middle one. The middle one. The middle one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love this Turn of music.

[Tom Segura]

Nothing but good vibes at the Whittier Boulevard cruise. It's that chola life, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I love it. I want.

[Tom Segura]

You said you were.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's so fucking cool. This. And then. Don't you scroll her page. They got her with her cars. Her. She's got. Oh, look at Tokyo. Tokyo. I love this. I don't do enough of this. Yeah, Posting up.

[Tom Segura]

You want to start doing videos?

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to start video. Doing videos like this. This is so fucking sexy.

[Tom Segura]

They love the oldies, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are we almost done?

[Coco]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice. I love this. Look at him.

[Tom Segura]

Mm. Let's see that. Yeah, the old school cars with the old school jams.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

Look at the sleepy. Little sleepy right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love the sleepy. And you know what? This is crazy. So I. I follow the sleepy. The sleepy loves pickles. Every time I eat a pickle, I think of less sleepy. Isn't that bizarre? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, what is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like a. That's like a crazy thing.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you have an association with it now. How do you think she got that nickname? You think she was. Because she was sleepy a lot or she looks sleepy?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. You know what's crazy is if I accidentally run into her at like a swap meet or something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna fucking lose my shit. And she's gonna be like, how the fuck do you know who I am?

[Tom Segura]

Well, she's got a good following.

[Bert Kreischer]

She does.

[Tom Segura]

It's like 38,000.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

That's. She's an influencer, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's crazy. Like, it is like. And I mean, I say zoo. I don't book her.

[Tom Segura]

There's bookings.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

This says bookings, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

What can I book her for?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think she's a. I think she's a chef.

[Tom Segura]

She's a chef.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go scroll down. She's got. I think she's got a taco cart. Like a hot dog cart. There you go. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, let's hear her. Lastly, you love hot dogs. It says last sleepy hot dog.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I fucking love hot dogs.

[Tom Segura]

How do you not book her for a hot dog? The bacon wrapped hot dogs. When I used to leave the Hollywood Bowl, I would go to shows there. There's always somebody with a hot dog, bacon wrap, hot dogs. And the corn, the Mexican corn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, hang on. That's a great idea.

[Tom Segura]

It was fun making hot dogs at my. My bro Boo Boo's ice cream truck. So you can probably get both Boo Boo's ice cream and fucking sleepy's hot dogs.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get less sleepy to do. Maybe I'll have less sleepy. Come make lunch for our office one day.

[Tom Segura]

Easy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Create content.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck yeah, dude. I mean, you know, it's funny. I get in this thing. I have a real problem with Instagram, you know, So I got. I disappear in it. Like it. But it's not like I've blocked everything. Comedy, I don't want anything comedy. I don't want any, like, clips of people doing fucking. I don't want to watch, you know, it'll depress me sometimes when you watch, like, when you watch like a young kid. There was a young kid on Kill, Tony, when your episode. That was actually really fucking funny. And I got. And I was like, God, man, I gotta be real honest. I don't know if I could do a minute.

[Tom Segura]

Minutes rough.

[Bert Kreischer]

A minute's rough and the kid killed it. But so like, I block out. I don't get any crowd work clips I don't get. I just follow my friends. But like, I don't have any info from comedy. My fucking Instagram. I'll deep dive into it and I. I can just. I mean, like anything with a toenail.

[Tom Segura]

You like watching those.

[Bert Kreischer]

I obsessed. And then I get into a deep dive of like ingrown toenails or dry surgery. Dry foot surgery, dry feet cleaning, dry feet, pimple popping. I mean, it's crazy. And. And I say to myself, my feed's a little different. I said to myself, the other day, I saw a picture of me and Leanne when Leanne was pregnant on Instagram. Yeah, I'll text it to you guys. So that's a picture of me and Leanne right when Leanne was pregnant.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want you to see it only because I want you to see how happy I am.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I realized why I was so.

[Tom Segura]

Happy that you were having a baby.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. Oh, no, she's. She's pregnant. She doesn't look that great. No, but I was happy, Tom. Yeah, because I was present. I was present. I didn't have any fucking care in the world. I was making zero money. I had zero. Look at how happy I am. Yeah, I had zero. I was still fat, but I was so. I still as bald as I am today. And I was so present. And I was like, you know what? I took that with a camera.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't take that with a phone. I took that with a camera. I set up a camera, I set up a timer and I took a picture of us in the moment and I Was like, I wasn't on my phone. I wasn't scrolling. I wasn't watching foot surgery videos. I wasn't watching Sleepy or two gay guys make fried chicken. I didn't have any. I wasn't thinking about Mexican women. The Stations of the Cross. I was present. And I said to myself, what am I doing on my fucking phone? What am I doing on my phone? I'm wasting my life. I'm scrolling, just scrolling. Look at other people live. Do you think I'm gonna be. Let's get. Let's. Let's get meta on this. So I'm in this weird fucking headspace because I'm getting back to work in June, and I'm in this weird headspace of like, dude, I haven't sailed around the world yet, or I haven't sailed. I haven't climbed a mountain. I need to go to the top of Machu Picchu. I need to climb Kilimanjaro. I need to sail to Hawaii. I need to swim with sharks. I need to go to Thailand and get on a beach and be off the grid. And then I went, hold on, is that because I scroll and that's what I see. And I see people doing it and then posting it. Do you think people were as adventure driven before Instagram?

[Tom Segura]

Well, not everyone, but there's always a segment of society. I mean, isn't some of this just having, like, a bit of an existential crisis in a way of, like, knowing that, you know, you start to get to a certain age where you realize that it's not forever and there's things you want to do? I think that happened before Instagram. Yeah, there's just people that just. You just realize you have one go at this. And if there's things like that that are exciting to you, there's a timeline. There's a ticking clock on it. You know, there's just only so much time you have that you can do things? I think about stuff like that, too. I don't think it's all. Sometimes what it is is that the Instagram or the image you see reminds you of that thing that's already in your mind. Like, I want to climb a mountain or I want to go to a place. But you still wanted to go to that place before you saw images of it. You still wanted to do that thing. But I see what you're saying, that it can fuel it. But I still think, you know, it's not like 30 years ago, people weren't thinking of those things. They were still having those thoughts. It just wasn't always prompted by looking at their phone. That didn't exist. They still wanted to do those things.

[Bert Kreischer]

But do you think, like, I wonder sometimes. So one morning, maybe I've told you this, but one morning I got up and we were getting ready. Everyone, we were on tour and everyone was meeting at my house and everyone was in the gym and I had just worked out and I was getting in the sauna and I heard them talking. And as I got out of the sauna, I heard someone say, is he gonna pull? It was still dark out and they're like, is he gonna polar plunge? And I didn't want to. And I did. And I did it so that they heard me do it because they, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it was performative. It wasn't what I wanted to do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So then I. And then I realized how much of my life is performative and I started looking at Instagram going, like, how much of people's lives are performative? How many people genuinely want to sail around the world? Or how many people go, I wouldn't mind getting views for, you know, like.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, it's like motivation for a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

The motivation is performative. So then I started going like, as I look at these people, all like these people going, I'm running the 150 mile race and I'm tracking it here on Instagram. And then I go, okay, like, without Instagram, if they shut down Instagram, tick tock, how many people you think would just sell their boat and be like, well, if no one could see this, then what's the point?

[Tom Segura]

Well, some. But some people also see it as it's being performative on those platforms allows people to sometimes monetize that. Right. Which allows them to do the thing they want to do. So for some people, like sailing or running, they're like, if I didn't have this social media thing, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, that's. Yeah, there. There's a dude, you know, John. John Florence. I don't know him, but you know of him, the best surfer in the world. John.

[Tom Segura]

John Florence?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You know Nathan Florence? I'm friends with Nathan. I'm friends with Nathan.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I was overhearing a conversation one time about John, John Florence, and then I heard it on a podcast, but they were like, yeah, he's. He's got this like 66 foot gunboat and he just sails to like fucking. Just sails at crazy places and doesn't post it on Instagram, doesn't Tell anyone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got footage from, like, two years ago that he's never posted. He's like, man, whatever. I'm also just the greatest surfer in the world. And I just was like, yeah, man, that's kind of. It's like old school sexy, like, to do.

[Tom Segura]

Is there anything you would do without posting it? No, nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm doing an IV on camera right now.

[Tom Segura]

Well, we both are, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know. I mean, that's the other thing.

[Tom Segura]

I. Yeah, but you would do that. I would. I've gotten 100 IVs, and this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

The first every time I post it.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why I post half the shit I post. And then I was. Crazy is when you have a great moment and you're like, this would be fucking epic to post. And your kids are like, nah. And you're like, what the fuck?

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what they said to me one time? We went to Dodgers opening day. Opening day, and Dodgers hit me up and like, yo, you want to come? I was like, fuck, yeah. And they're like, how many? I said, four. And they go, great. I said, girls, you want to go to opening day? And they're like, fuck, yes. That'd be great. So, like, fuck, yeah. We get in the car in Georgia and I'll go, hey, no phones. I said, what? She goes, no Instagram today. Let's just have, like a day as a family. And I was like, what's the point if I can't post on Instagram? I was like, wait, so what are we gonna do? They're like, there's no phones. Let's leave our phones in the car. I go, we can't leave our phones in the car.

[Tom Segura]

But wait a minute. Didn't you still enjoy going to the game with them?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but. Yeah, but it was like I ended up posting stuff anyway. I don't know, Tom. It's like I. I was like, I couldn't. This would be the Dodgers game. It was. It was. I have no idea. I don't know. It's. It's. It's an addiction to. I don't know, there's something.

[Tom Segura]

The feedback you like.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what it is? It's like, everyone wants to be seen.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone wants to feel valuable.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And feel, hey, look at me. You know? And I'm just like everyone else. Maybe a little hyper version of that. But that's the thing is like.

[Tom Segura]

But, like, if you didn't post It. It's like, almost. It didn't happen for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And also, there's a part of me that I love going through my speed and seeing stuff like this. Like, if I don't take pictures at this, then maybe. Oh, that's. Leanne posted that. Yeah, good, good.

[Tom Segura]

It's on her. I just want to say just. Gay bars are where it's at. We went to Bro the Iron Bear last night. Annie was dancing there. There was.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was so funny going down with that dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Any.

[Tom Segura]

We're cutting this out, Cap.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what's kind of cool?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't see a lot of homophobia these days. Yeah, but, man, black. Black men are holding that.

[Tom Segura]

They're holding it down, dude. They're. They're not letting go. And it is. It is nice that. That there's no end in sight. It doesn't stop in elementary school. Black guys are holding on to that hard. But I. I will say this in all sincerity. It was such a fun night. It was so fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was great.

[Tom Segura]

We went to the Iron Bear here in Austin. It was a. A Porosos Bar takeover, but the vibes were the best. Everybody was there. Meaning, like the regulars that go to that place, fans, couples, women, guys. And it was just. Everybody was in a great mood. We got to do interviews outside on the street with people, which was way more fun than I thought it would be. But everybody there was so welcoming. They were. They were just really cool. And it was a fun night, man. It was a. So big shout out to the Iron Bear, and. And I guess everybody that just came out to that. It was. It was a fun, fun time.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys were fun for you because everyone wanted to you. No, no, I was. I was. I was.

[Tom Segura]

You wore that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would. And I thought I'd get a little more play. What I did is I got.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you also had those shorts off, so your ass cheeks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had the shorts off. And, man, I will simply say gay men are handsy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they were handsy.

[Bert Kreischer]

They are handsy.

[Tom Segura]

They hope they grab your ass.

[Bert Kreischer]

I realized, dude, if they want to move you finger in the ass crack, move you to the side, not like all the way to one butt cheek and move you over.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that was out at the.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't realize my Was showing.

[Tom Segura]

Your showed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. I would have paid so much for it to have any there and had a guy move him by holding his waist, hands on the waist and moved him just to have him been like, yeah, no, hey, man, it's the hands.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude.

[Tom Segura]

There we are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gay men fucking rock.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was. It was fun, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gay men. They. We.

[Tom Segura]

And they told us the greatest stories. We asked for, like, for stories.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, well, first of all, this is the crazy part. Apparently, I am an obvious bottom. Like, without a doubt, I am an obvious bottom.

[Tom Segura]

And the way they assess is so quick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. They're like, no shade. You're a bottom. And I was like, no shade taken. Wait, hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Wait. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, if you can last. And by the way, they've all got hogs on them.

[Tom Segura]

There's a couple that describe themselves as like. Also, they said the smaller end of dicks was between six. Like, like, if you're kind of like average, small, you know, like six to seven. I was like, wait, wait, what Small?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's me and that guy rubbing together.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, your dick's touched.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Got a little action from that.

[Tom Segura]

You said you got a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

Our tips touched and you got. He was in the. He was in a match. I thought he had a backpack on. He had. He had. Did not have a backpack on. He had. Those were. It was the same outfit I had on, except his was cloth.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you. You got a little chub.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did a little chub.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that was. It was. We did interviews on the street. And what's crazy is, like, we're gonna do more of these. The fucking. The best people to interview are people that don't want to be interviewed. I know if you. If someone wants to be interviewed, it's never the best person to interview. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you had taken your shirt off, they would have lost their fucking mind. They would have lost their fucking mind.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I wear the gayest shirt I had, and it seemed to work well. What somebody mentioned this is death. They. They sent me this image, and they go, you look so miserable.

[Bert Kreischer]

You. You. You. You had a good time. That's when I can tell if it's good or not, is if you have a good time, get bloated within this episode.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. We got fluids going into us.

[Bert Kreischer]

My face bloated. Did it get.

[Tom Segura]

But I'll say this. Can I tell you this? Can I tell you this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It is flattering being complimented because you men will say it to you in a way that women never will.

[Bert Kreischer]

Women don't know how to.

[Tom Segura]

So they, like, you can know a woman digs you, but it's like you're sensing it. But the guys are, like, very direct. I would argue gay compliments are up there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I would Argue. Women are dead inside.

[Tom Segura]

All women.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And they don't know how to treat you the way a man can treat you. That's like those guys, even when they shave me a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'd still make me feel better. Right? So, like, imagine if that was a.

[Tom Segura]

Hot chick I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she was like, yeah, I wouldn't you that it ends there, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'd be like, I wouldn't you, but I'd let you me. And you're like, okay.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, not so bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Or no, it was the other way around. He goes, I wouldn't fuck you, but I'd like, no, I. I wouldn't let you me. But I'd you. And I'd be like, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, cool. Thank you. That feels good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. No woman's gonna be like, I wouldn't you, but you could me.

[Tom Segura]

It is interesting how gay compliments feel so good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why do. It's almost like when black guys compliment you on your shoes.

[Tom Segura]

I know. It's almost like the trajectory. I feel like now it's like, gay compliments are amazing. Black compliments are great. And then a gay black compliment. Unbelievable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

And there was a few last night.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a few gay black compliments.

[Tom Segura]

It was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you also the other coolest thing is, like, just having guys go like, hey, thanks for coming here, man. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They were super appreciative.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they were like, really? They were just solid guys that I had such a great fucking time last night. And by the way, can I tell you, I didn't drink until we got done. I didn't have time to drink.

[Tom Segura]

And you drank a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, because we were doing interviews. You were like, I'm pretty hammered.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I didn't.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you did.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was not saying that you did. I wasn't hammered.

[Tom Segura]

You said that to me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I drank at dinner. You're right.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Yeah. And then. And you started with martinis, and then you had like a bottle of wine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's not like you drank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're pretty, right?

[Tom Segura]

And then we were drinking on the street and we're like, hey, we're not allowed to drink on the street. And they're like, it's fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, we on this corner, you can definitely have a drink.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes, I. Yeah, that guy said. He goes, I've been on this corner. And you go right around here and goes, no, right here. South by is wild. One guy goes, if these Walls could talk, honey.

[Tom Segura]

Also all this that, like, as a straight guy where you go, oh, you know, gay guys have it the best because they just get to whenever. And you're like, well, that's kind of a stereotype. And then you talk to some of these guys and they're like, well, you know, sometimes you end up in a. Doing this. And then you're. You're all sudden, there's five of you. And you're like, wait, five of you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, oh, yeah. And then you think, that's a lot. And then you end up in a warehouse in Dallas and there's 200 people fucking. And you're like, what? What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom goes, wait, are you on like a group text? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, how did you learn about this shit? He's like, well, if you really, like, you find out. I was like, I like fucking.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd like to find out. God dang that. What? And that. What did that guy look like?

[Tom Segura]

That was the guy he had. You asked him about the beard he had like the cropped out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was a good looking kid.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And they were all pretty age appropriate. We had no. What's crazy though is that like, not everyone's a bear. A lot of cubs, a lot of otters.

[Tom Segura]

It was the, the full. And then there was little short dudes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, the little short guy. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

And a couple tall guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Best I wish I had that shirt today. Oh, Jason Kelsey shirt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I gotta post that for Jason Kelsey. It looks. Jason Kelsey is probably the king bear.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God, if he went there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, he would get fucked so quick.

[Tom Segura]

No, they would want to be fucked by Jason.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'd want to fuck.

[Tom Segura]

It's a big man. They want it. They'd want to submit Jason.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I just soft pitch to Jason and Travis?

[Tom Segura]

Go fuck. Guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Take. Oh God, send garage beers to a bear bar. Yeah, and just send Jason. Yeah, they will. I mean, if you sent Jason and Travis, Taylor Swift and Jason Kelsey, they would be like, travis, we want to talk to you, but we're gonna stare at your brother.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude. They are. Their mom made. Made bear perfection.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's. He's. He is the perfect bear.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is the perfect bear.

[Tom Segura]

Although some might argue we learned this last night, that to be considered a bear by the. Some of the standards for hair are kind of ridiculous. I didn't know this. That, like, I thought I have, like, they're like, oh, that's not enough hair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What are you talking about? Like no, you need to be, like, completely all over your back, all over your shoulders. Every inch of you has to be hair. Otherwise these guys would be like, you're not really.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he didn't even said. I wasn't even a bear.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like, no.

[Tom Segura]

Hell, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the best. Jason. Kelsey. Tag. Jason. Kelsey. I kind of want a cocktail.

[Tom Segura]

You want a cocktail?

[Bert Kreischer]

Kinda.

[Tom Segura]

It could be arranged.

[Bert Kreischer]

We don't have to work today, do we?

[Tom Segura]

We have to do a photo shoot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, do you want to try our vodka?

[Coco]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want a glass?

[Coco]

No, I can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're a nurse. What am I doing? Hey, we came up with a new drink last night. You wanna hear about it, Coco? It's called a uti. It's cranberry and vodka.

[Tom Segura]

That's it? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, I said to someone last.

[Tom Segura]

Night, that was a hit, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was the fucking hit. I said to a gay guy, he goes. He goes, cranberry and vodka. He goes, cranberry and Osos, please. And I went, awesome. I said, do you have a uti? And he goes, no, but I could use one. I love gay men. And I was like. And he goes. He go, hands it over. He goes, uti. Give me another uti. And then we just came up with the uti.

[Tom Segura]

I know. And I thought it would be fun to say that, like, hey, put a couple drops of cum in it and nobody liked it.

[Bert Kreischer]

The one guy did say, yeah. Tom goes, it's called uti. It's cranberry and poroso. And we put a lot of drops of cum in it. And the place went just silent.

[Tom Segura]

I bombed so hard. And I was like. I thought we were gay. And they were like, no, I don't understand.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought I. Dude, we've had this conversation. Not all gay guys like the taste of cum. Yeah, it's crazy to me. It's. Why put on the pads if you're not cool with concussions? Yeah, like any. Have you ever tasted comb?

[Tom Segura]

No. No, I have not. Negative.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not even your own? Out of curiosity, I wonder.

[Tom Segura]

What.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wonder What? My blood sugar.

[Tom Segura]

You never accidentally sprayed your face when you were laying on your back? Accidentally? No. No. Never done it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

I guess I'm lucky.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, everyone else in the. In the go. Cut to that shot again. Raise your hands if you've ever tasted cum.

[Tom Segura]

Tasted cum? Yeah. Go ahead. Wait, What? Sounds like you went close. What do you mean? You just seem to need to specify as though you. You might have done something like that. I have never tasted Come. No, you never, like, were curious. Hey, you know what? What's this gay all about? No, no. Zolo neither.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

And you never were like, I'm just gonna blow a guy once just to see if I like.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, what if we said. What if we said. What if we said a million dollars? A million dollars. If you taste our. Come.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Any.

[Tom Segura]

No. And I know you could do it, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, let's ask the women in the office.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think, well, it's gonna be this. Like, some will be like, yes and some. No, we're not gonna ask them. But I'm saying it's like anything. Where some people will be like, oh, I love it. And some people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on, hang on. Hold on one second.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't. I wish. We can't. I would.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what? What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Every woman in the office would take a million dollars to taste.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I know that. I'm saying some have a taste for it and some don't. Just like you're saying, I don't think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Someone'S going, like, I don't think there's anyone in your office silently thinking themselves, I want to taste their cum.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, not theirs. I'm saying in their own lives, some of them are into it and some are not. That's what I'm saying. Like, some have boyfriends where they're like, yeah, I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know that.

[Tom Segura]

What I'm saying. You talking about us?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm just saying. I'm saying. I don't know how to talk about this. Every woman in here would taste or come for, like, a million dollars.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's it. These guys want to. These guys won't do it because they think it makes them gay, first of all.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, they fucking would. You know, if we laid out the cash. The thing is, I know that you could. I know that you could and.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, hold on, hold on. For real?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. No, this is insane. A million.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I taste your million dollars, I would gargle your cum and swallow it for $1 million. And I have a lot of million dollars. Coco, no, no, that's cocoa. Wait, do you have breast milk? Do you have breast milk right now? Oh, I drink Coco's breast milk. For a million dollars?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Any.

[Tom Segura]

I would do it for, by the way. Coco, no offense, I would do it for $40.

[Bert Kreischer]

Annie, would you drink breast milk for $40 for free? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Why not?

[Bert Kreischer]

For free. Okay. So that's how I think most women would deal with come. They're like, it's come. Whatever. It's not a big deal.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think a lot of. By the way, a lot of straight guys, if you offer them a million.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dollars, I think these three lying, we have in the booth.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Wait, is it all three are saying no.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, solo, definitely take the check.

[Tom Segura]

Chad gonna do it. I mean, if you laid out a million. A million. And I guess it depends on how it was administrative ministered, you know? Yeah. You don't have to take it. Fresh from the source. Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, hold on, hold on. You queen. Now you're gonna tell us how we're gonna get to come to you.

[Tom Segura]

That matters.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna tell you right now. You're gonna be blindfolded and your knees are gonna be cold. Did you ever. Did you ever see the clip of the podcast I did with Ari and Matthew Broussard? It was wild.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, I think I did see this clip.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't. Do not say names. Don't say names.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, why can't you say names?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I can't say the person who did its name. So I promise I never say whose name it was. We blurred his face out. It's edit that out. It's we. Did you see the clip? Did you see the clip? Oh, my God. So Ari pisses in a glass, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like he always does. And then he puts it there and we're like, yo, get this out of here. So Pete goes in and gets the glass, and he's walking to port in the bathroom. And I go, pete, for a million dollars, would you drink Ari's piss? And he goes, no. And I go, hold on, Pete, you've gotta have a price point. I go, $1 million. And he goes, well, fuck. And out of nowhere, he'll go, I'll do it for 1000. Pete goes, we were just at a million.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Said person comes out, takes the piss and drinks. Look at this. There you go. Here we go. You're a little dehydrated, Pete. Yeah, a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

I'll do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. How much to take a sip of it, Pete? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How much? Let's start. Let's start with the high. No, no, let's come up with a real number. Let's start with that. Five million, obviously. Okay, okay, okay. A million. Two dollars, obviously. No. Yeah, okay, okay. I mean, yeah. We've got a deal. We've got a deal. We've got a deal. We've got a deal. If you're gonna take a sip of Ari's piss for a thousand dollars. I mean, unless, Pete, unless you want to go. Jewish man pays goy to drink his piss. Oh, hang on, hang on. Get. Come over here and do it on camera. Are you gonna throw up?

[Tom Segura]

Look at the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look on our weight. I mean, no one thought. You have done it before. I can't watch this.

[Tom Segura]

This is for my family.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, I'll just give you a thousand dollars to not do it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, dude, he drinks it. I did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll give you. I'm gonna give you $5,000 to do.

[Tom Segura]

It one more time. What do they taste like?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, hey, someone give him $5,000. So I'll give him $5,000. Five thousand. What?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, thousand dollars. Thousand dollars. A thousand dollars.

[Tom Segura]

What did it taste like? Hey, how did you go from 5,000 back to one? That's awful. You're like.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes, no, I just want thousand dollars. Hey, everyone, go see Matthew.

[Tom Segura]

You.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, can I tell you what's brilliant? What you just did right at that moment. Cuz I knew people were watching. I plugged Matthew special. And you hit pause right before I said it's special. It's on YouTube. It's called. It's called hyperbole.

[Tom Segura]

Matthew. Matthew. Wait, was Matthew saying that he's Jewish?

[Bert Kreischer]

Matthew is Jewish.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't think so? Because he's attractive.

[Tom Segura]

That's not what I was. No? Was Ari just learning that there? That's what I'm asking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

So Ari didn't know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Ari didn't know. No.

[Tom Segura]

And Matthew's also as French, right, Broussard?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he's. He's. He's. I think he's autistic. He's.

[Tom Segura]

That's not a nationality.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. We took him to a strip club.

[Tom Segura]

One time and I was asking if he's French. Isn't that a French last name?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it sounds like it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I never seen him with a croissant in his hand.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's a. You could still. You don't have to. You just be like, yeah, he's a French Jew.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So swimmer. Very good swimmer.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

His girlfriend or fiance. I think he lives in Austin now.

[Tom Segura]

He's not gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Oh, no. We took him to a strip club. And he never been to a strip club.

[Tom Segura]

He'd never been to a strip club.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never been to a strip club.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he. He's a very literal man. Like, he's really smart. Do you know what he does to calm down After a show. Math problems.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes in and does math problems? He regularly. Regularly. He tutors children. He tutors children in math for free because it relaxes him.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

He tutors children in math. He's one of the most.

[Tom Segura]

Can I open this up more?

[Coco]

I was going to ask you, but I didn't want to interrupt. You can open it the whole way up. Do you feel anything?

[Tom Segura]

Do I feel anything? No.

[Coco]

Most common is, like I said, jaw clenching and tingling of the tongue or sinuses here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you want to give me my shot now on camera? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Holy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He's. By the way, he's one of the smartest human beings I know. Dude, look at this guy. He's so funny. He really is hysterical.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, is he a college swimmer? No, this is just from casual swimming.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, He. He is. He's. He knows swimming like crazy. Like, he really follows swimming.

[Tom Segura]

So he did swim in college. Is he a Division 1 swimmer?

[Bert Kreischer]

Must have been.

[Tom Segura]

You don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

You don't listen at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

So his. I think his wife. His girlfriend went to the Olympics.

[Tom Segura]

I think as soon as.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so. I don't know. I don't listen. A ton.

[Tom Segura]

Completely made up. Is that his page?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Monday punday. He's really good at puns.

[Tom Segura]

That's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's really smart, man. When I was getting ready for this hour, he was just traveling with me the whole time and doing shows with me. And the way he assesses comedy is so somewhat analytical, yet fun. There was a joke I had. Here we go. I'll let you poke me. Yeah. Can we?

[Coco]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you gonna hit my sciatic?

[Coco]

No. All right. Ready?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Coco]

One, two, three. Three. You good?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Coco]

I'm putting a band aid, so you don't, but there you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. The. He. He. His. His assessment for comedy is so analytical. Like, he really does go. You said this here. You can't say this again. Like, he's just really. He's really smart. You should check out his special. It's on YouTube. It's really funny. But, man, he. That moment. I mean, we spend the rest of the moment, we talk. I mean, it was like such a fucking wild thing. What's crazy is our. My podcast streams live downstairs to all the women downstairs.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you should have heard the screaming. Screaming. Sandra is one of the young ladies works. She threw up.

[Tom Segura]

She threw up. I mean, I look like Ari was about to throw up, and it's his piss.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Super gnarly.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what's our price point on tasting. Come, boys.

[Tom Segura]

No, no. Zero for me. Zero. It's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

If there was a game show. So you drink.

[Tom Segura]

Come. Yeah, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. What would you call it?

[Tom Segura]

It's online.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come, guys.

[Tom Segura]

It's brought to you by. First we feast.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called hot combs.

[Tom Segura]

Taking it from the source, that would be cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just different types of gum.

[Tom Segura]

And I understand if you were like, hey, this guy's gonna fire it right into my face. That might be like a different price point.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, what about this, honey? What about this? Okay, soft pitch. I give you a million dollars. You will taste, you will eat. Come within the week. You just don't know when you're gonna get it. That's even.

[Tom Segura]

That's just the same thing, but worse. What the fuck? I don't know. But like, it's Surprise. Yeah, it's a surprise. I was like, it's in it. It's in a souffle. Like you don't know. You think you're eating something.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet you've had cum before.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, new office game. We gotta get any to eat. Come without him knowing it.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then we give you the come. Surprise.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it. Has a girl ever kissed you after giving you a blowjob?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeast?

[Tom Segura]

If that's the case. Yeah. No, that's never happened. As a matter of fact, I push them away.

[Bert Kreischer]

They get upset about.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, when they try to kiss you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, how long? How long you have my dick in your mouth? Whoa. Wow. What? Coco in here is giggling going as a woman, I'm a little offended.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, so wait, if a girl. How long do you need to allow a mouth to rest before you'll go back to kissing?

[Tom Segura]

It ain't amount of time it's brushing your teeth to go brush your teeth. That's what you say, go brush up. I mean, hey, I don't say. I don't gotta call her a. You're thinking it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

You were like, yeah, go get some Colgate. Yeah, no, I'll just be she always. Well, all right. Yeah, they'll come up. And I was like, woo. Hey. Hey. You don't think it's kind of. You don't think it's kind of hot to have a little bit of your remnants on her mouth and then she kisses you? I sure don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it'd be hot if she.

[Tom Segura]

Wants to keep it there. Like, hey, that's cool. But like, don't kiss me. No. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey. Okay. I think Zolo and Chad are Being a little more honest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guys, have you ever kissed a girl after she sucked someone else's dick? Raise your hand.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

10Th grade.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, 10th grade. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like right after. No, I think it was pretty close. All I know is. All I know is I told my story.

[Tom Segura]

What kind of an animal were you fucking dating in 10th grade?

[Bert Kreischer]

I told my story. I told my story at lunch. The period after the guy told his story. So the guy told his story. There were two periods of lunch.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some guys had both periods, you know, so like, there was a group of guys that stayed.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, I made out with Kelly.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, I looked up. I want to say her real name.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm still fucking bitter about it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I was like, I hooked up with dot, dot, dot. Let's just call her Monica. It's not Monica. And it's that. I can't say Monica. Cause I know Monica that we all grew up with. But I made out with fucking Frida. Frida Kahlo.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay, got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I made out with Frida. And everyone goes, when? I said, Saturday night at Ty's house. And they're like, when? And I went, does it matter? And they're like, when did you make out with Frida? And I said, it was at the end of the night. And they go, was it the end of the night? And I said, yeah. Like at the end of the night, she got on the couch, she started making out with me. And they're like, oh, that's awesome. So what's Sean's dick taste like? I went, what? They're like, sean got a blowjob from her earlier. I was like, fucking Frida Kahlo's a whore.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she is.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, man.

[Tom Segura]

Wait a minute. But Zolo, back to you and Chad. Yeah. You've kissed a girl after she's given you nice mouth kisses, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll do like a tight lipped peck.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like you're kissing your grandma.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, There you go.

[Tom Segura]

I definitely have. Yeah. I'm not ashamed of it. No, of course not.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, of course not.

[Tom Segura]

You're a adult man. You're supposed to like, full French after that. That's the way to do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You have her. You have her. Hold a little bit left for you and give it back to you. And we call it the any.

[Tom Segura]

And then you go, hey, you go. Leave a little bit. Leave a little in my stash. I want to know it was there. Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Eddie, I'm really shocked. What are you shocked? About, like, just that you. You hold firm opinions on. On. On. On. On this.

[Tom Segura]

Do I seem like I would, like, come? Is that. Is that what you're surprised about? What's the surprise?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you know, they usually say.

[Tom Segura]

All black guys are gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Clip it out.

[Tom Segura]

All right, we gotta run.

[Bert Kreischer]

We gotta run.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you, guys for watching. Thank you for listening. And, yeah, we'll. We'll see you next week.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you.

[Tom Segura]

Love you, too. Bye.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, One cave.