CHASING BASKETBALL HEAVEN Episode 4: Clock Management

Summary

30 for 30 Podcasts: Chasing Basketball Heaven
Episode 4: Clock Management
Original Release: July 22, 2025

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Episode Overview

“Clock Management” is a deeply intimate, meticulously produced exploration of sportswriter Martin Manley’s life and his meticulously documented suicide on his 60th birthday in 2013. The episode, hosted by Rich Levine and Nick Altshuler, wrestles with questions of legacy, rational suicide, faith, and the power of storytelling—through Manley’s own exhaustive writings and the memories of those he left behind. Through this nuanced portrait, the episode grapples with the intersection of sports, logic, existential dread, and the indelible mark one man left on friends, family, and the wider basketball community.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Discovery of Martin Manley’s Extraordinary Exit (00:26–05:47)

• Recurring Dreams Around Deadlines: Martin Manley opens with a recurring anxiety dream, tying it to his real-life ultimate “deadline” (00:26).
• Manley’s Suicide Announcement: Rich Levine recalls learning about Manley’s death via a headline and Manley’s website, “Martin Manley: My Life and Death,” which he describes as “simple yet exhaustively thorough” (02:32–03:19).
• Website Structure: The website is split into “the suicide” and “my life,” acting as a living testament and thorough chronicle of Manley’s existence, covering everything from favorite foods to Hall of Fame basketball arguments (05:07–08:22).

Quote:

“My life is an open book now that I’ve closed the book on my life.” – Martin Manley (05:23)

2. The Influence of Manley’s Story on the Hosts (08:40–11:32)

• Levine’s Personal Resonance: Levine describes his initial discomfort reading Manley’s words, as they hit “too close to home” (06:13).
• Genesis of the Podcast Project: Levine and Altshuler discuss how their lives intersected with Martin's story, and how working on the project was healing for them during turbulent periods in their own lives, emphasizing the value of “always having a project” (10:26–11:32).

3. Manley’s Methodical Approach to His Death (11:46–19:23)

• Rationalizing Suicide: Manley details the reasoning (legacy, fear of decline, a wish to “go out on top”) and logistics (timing, method, avoiding harm to others) behind his plan (12:19–16:43).
• Obsessive Planning: He chooses his birthday for practical and symbolic reasons, coordinates lease expirations, and selects a police station lot to minimize trauma to civilians (16:43–17:48).
• Final Communications: Includes excerpts of emails and voice messages sent to loved ones—the tone is unusually organized, even upbeat (18:51–19:23).

Quote:

“I was fully satisfied with my death.” – Martin Manley (03:13)

Quote:

"I wanted to leave on top... I’m inclined to think of it in a sports context because I’m such a sports fan." – Martin Manley (14:25)

4. Impact on Those Left Behind (25:09–29:11)

• Sister’s Reaction: Martin’s sister Barbie Flick reads from his farewell email, expressing both her shock and appreciation for how he made his wishes and logistics clear (25:41–27:18).
• Friends’ Discoveries: Friends and family (including his ex-wife) describe receiving packages and messages from Martin, reflecting on his intense planning and eccentricity—including the infamous wallet he refused to replace (27:29–28:49).

Quote:

“I had this puppy attached to my butt for the last 23 years of my life... it became somewhat of a cold slap in the face when I realized that I had become my billfold.” – Martin Manley (28:49)

5. Is Suicide Ever “Rational”? (29:11–34:10)

• Expert Insights: Harvard psychologist Professor Matthew Knock contextualizes Manley’s writings in psychological terms—discussing theories of suicide risk, including perceptions of burdensomeness, lack of belonging, and hopelessness, and noting the nuance in distinguishing between rationality and mental illness (29:43–33:20).
• Demographic Realities: Statistics are cited (older, retired white men have the highest suicide rates) and Professor Knock considers Manley’s “death as project” framing to be “logical, if cold” (32:37–33:20).

Quote:

“He was a man... who needed a project, and his death became his project.” – Nick Altshuler (33:14)

6. Legacy, Faith, and Interpretations (34:31–46:49)

• Star Trek Reference: Manley draws inspiration from an episode where ritual suicide at 60 is a cultural norm, but the podcast notes the character ultimately chooses life, which Manley omits (34:31–36:59).
• Religious Conundrums: Manley’s Evangelical Lutheran pastors (Roger Gustafson & Susan Langhauser) reflect on his faith, participation in church, and whether suicide equates to damnation, ultimately affirming their belief in God’s unconditional love (37:39–44:38).

Quote:

“It’s a sinful act to take your own life. It’s a selfish act... but nothing separates us from the love of God.” – Susan Langhauser (44:10)

• Community Memory: The pastors recall Martin’s surprising vibrancy, referencing a memorable church performance and explaining how his family remained part of the congregation after his death (40:52–46:18).

7. Defying Finality: Manley’s Ongoing Legacy (46:49–47:44)

• A Story That Wants to Continue: The hosts reflect that, despite Manley’s desire for a controlled ending, he left clues suggesting a wish for his story to extend beyond his death—including coordinates for a hidden treasure, which teases next episode’s adventure (47:12–47:44).

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Notable and Memorable Moments: Quotes & Timestamps

• “Today is my 60th birthday. Today is the last day of my life. Today I committed suicide. Today is the first day this site is active, but it’ll be here for years to come.”
  — Martin Manley (02:36)

• “You rarely get any details for why a person committed suicide, but that won’t be the case with me.”
  — Martin Manley (06:05)

• “My ideal food is pizza... if [Shakespeare] had written, ‘the world is your Godfather’s pizza,’ I might still be around reading him.”
  — Martin Manley (07:19)

• “I realized I wanted to share his story with the world. I didn’t know exactly what that would look like, but I knew it might be nice to have some company.”
  — Rich Levine (09:19)

• “If you spend too much time inside your own head, sometimes you forget how to get out.”
  — Nick Altshuler (11:32)

• “The point of this is that ... I will have been forgotten pretty fast unless I did something that was way outside the box.”
  — Martin Manley (12:32)

• “It is also true that I wanted to leave on top... very few athletes go out on top or even close... Oftentimes it’s a sad sight to see.”
  — Martin Manley (14:25)

• “You needed perhaps the Mahorn to your Laimbeer?” / “Maybe the Doc to my Marty McFly.”
  — Nick Altshuler & Rich Levine’s banter (09:51–10:04)

• “In the end, Martin chose a handgun. When push came to shove, there really was only one way to go and that was via a firearm.”
  — Nick Altshuler & Martin Manley (16:25–16:28)

• “Maybe Martin’s choice appears irrational to us, but there is a logic, perhaps a cold one, almost Vulcan actually.”
  — Nick Altshuler (34:10)

• “[Martin] was a totally free man, I think... His suicide was logical.”
  — Roger Gustafson (43:18)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:26–03:19: Introduction to Manley’s site/suicide
• 05:07–08:22: Organization and content of Manley’s website
• 12:19–16:43: Manley’s logical planning and reasoning for suicide
• 18:51–19:23: Final message to loved ones
• 29:43–33:20: Insights from Dr. Matthew Knock on rational suicide
• 34:31–36:59: Star Trek “Half a Life” analogy
• 37:39–44:38: Discussion with Manley’s pastors on faith and the afterlife
• 47:12–47:44: Teaser for the next episode and Manley’s hidden treasure

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Thematic Tone & Language

The episode employs a somber, respectful, and contemplative tone—frequently punctuated by dry wit and warmth, especially in the hosts’ reflections and personal disclosures. There’s an undercurrent of empathy, intellectual rigor, and a refusal to offer simplistic answers, mirroring Martin Manley’s own analytical approach to both life and death. The narrative is rich with humanity, existential reflection, sports metaphors, and a genuine desire to understand.

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Overall Significance

“Clock Management” stands out for its deep honesty and willingness to explore the taboo and uncomfortable—in parallel with the very public, highly detailed way Manley approached his own death. In telling his story, the podcast interrogates not just one man’s motivations, but also broader American anxieties: about aging, legacy, belonging, rationality vs. emotion, and the impossibility of neatly ending one’s own story. The episode leaves listeners reflecting on the complexity of human suffering, the unpredictable echoes of a single life, and the challenge of truly knowing—let alone summarizing—a fellow human being.

Transcript

[Nick Altshuler]

The following podcast contains discussion of suicide and self harm, which some listeners may find disturbing. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide or is in emotional distress, contact the Suicide and Crisis LifeLine at 988 or 988LifeLine.org listener discretion is advised.

[Martin Manley]

For Pretty much my entire adult life I've had a dream that I'm in college and realize that I haven't been going to class. I don't even remember all the classes I signed up for or where they're located. The problem is it's nearing the last few days of the semester, so I'm walking all over the place trying to figure out courses, days of the week, room numbers, etc. I decided not all that long ago to google that dream and see if anyone else ever experienced it. To my amazement, a lot of people have. I suspect it is something that is triggered whenever a person is facing a deadline and has some anxiety over it. If that were the case, then I shouldn't have had the dream once I left the KC Star. However, I've had it a few times since then. Of course, knowing the ultimate deadline was coming up, August 15, 2013 might have been a trigger for it.

[Rich Levine]

I still remember the first time I saw the headline. It was August 16, 2013 and I was not in a good place that summer. The Celtics had just traded Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, kicking off a long rebuild and really stalling my sports writing career. My personal life was in shambles. It was just one of those situations where you look around and feel like all your friends and colleagues are passing you by. A few months earlier, there had been a terrorist attack on the Boston Marathon. A few months before that there was Sandy Hook. I wasn't feeling great about myself or humanity. And then that afternoon I was at my desk scrolling through Twitter when a headline from the New York Daily News crossed my feedback. It said Sportswriter Commits Suicide Leaves Website. What else was I gonna do?

[Martin Manley]

I clicked I, Martin Manley, being the creator and owner of this site, neither hold nor retain any claim or copyright

[Rich Levine]

on any part of this and I met Martin manley.

[Martin Manley]

Today is August 15, 2013. Today is my 60th birthday. Today is the last day of my life. Today I committed suicide. Today is the first day this site is active, but it'll be here for years to come.

[Rich Levine]

He stopped me in my tracks.

[Martin Manley]

I suspect nobody is completely satisfied and I'm no different. No, I wasn't fully satisfied with my life, but I was fully satisfied with

[Rich Levine]

my death from 30 for 30 podcasts. I'm Rich Levine.

[Nick Altshuler]

I'm Nick Altshuler, and this is Chasing basketball heaven. Episode 4 Clock Management.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Rich Levine]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Rich Levine]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Rich Levine]

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[Commercial Announcer]

and 9pm Eastern only on ESPN, ESPN2 and the ESPN app.

[Rich Levine]

Ugh. You said you were over him, but his hoodie's still in your rotation.

[Barbie Flick]

It's time.

[Rich Levine]

Grab your phone, snap a few pics

[Nick Altshuler]

and sell it on Depop.

[Rich Levine]

List it in minutes with no selling fees. And just like that, a guy 500 miles away just paid full price for your closure. And right on cue.

[Professor Matthew Knock]

Hey, still got my hoodie?

[Rich Levine]

Nope. But I've got tonight's dinner paid for.

[Nick Altshuler]

Start selling on Depop, where taste recognizes taste.

[Rich Levine]

List now with no selling fees. Payment processing fees and boosting fees still apply.

[Nick Altshuler]

See website for details.

[Rich Levine]

It's a bit strange now, knowing Martin Manley as well as I do, to think back to the moment I first learned of his death. That I learned he was dead before I knew anything about his life. Today, when I think about his death and think back to that headline, I feel the loss of a friend. But back in August 2013, all I had was the name and the blog. Martin Manley lifeanddeath.com this site is divided

[Martin Manley]

into two major categories. The first is the suicide. The second is my life. Under some of them are subcategories.

[Rich Levine]

An index ran along the left side of the screen, a kind of table of contents with clickable sections.

[Martin Manley]

You can click and read anything you want. My life is an open book now that I've closed the book on my life.

[Rich Levine]

Like I said, the first time I opened Martin's site, I was not in a good place. I wouldn't say I was suicidal in that moment, but that's not to say the thought had never crossed my mind.

[Martin Manley]

It's important for me to have written quite a bit about my decision to commit suicide, because it's rarely been done.

[Rich Levine]

It was a bit frightening, feeling the way I was, to stumble on a guy in a similar position, at least in the same line of work, who figured it wasn't worth it anymore.

[Martin Manley]

You will rarely get any details for why a person committed suicide, but that won't be the case with me.

[Rich Levine]

And as I read more from Martin's site, I quickly realized I wasn't ready for it maybe his words hit too close to home. I shut my laptop and took took a walk. As time went on, I tried to push Martin's story out of my head. But he was a persistent dude. Maybe once or twice a year, some random occurrence would trigger the memory of that sports writer. With each visit to Martin's site, I'd read a little more, not just about his death, but his life. By now you know him fairly well too. So perhaps it will come as little surprise that Martin Manley's suicide blog was simple yet exhaustingly thorough. Most of all, it was organized across 44 categories, 35 subcategories, and tens of thousands of words. He covered just about everything his childhood, his marriages, his career. In fine, quirky detail. I found myself drawn to his silly breakdowns of life's minutiae. Like his favorite meal.

[Martin Manley]

My ideal food is pizza, and my ideal pizza is Godfather's. All meat, no sausage. No Italian sausage. Yuck. Extra cheese. That's heaven on earth right there. And his least favorite the world is your oyster. The problem is I hate oysters. And I hate Shakespeare. Now if he had written the world is your godfather's pizza, I might still be around reading him.

[Rich Levine]

There were also anagrams Debit card equals

[Martin Manley]

bad credit Poems Strange sensations envelop my curiosity. It seems I'm curious about my feelings about my dreams.

[Rich Levine]

The playlist for a 4 CD mixtape of cheesy pop duets There's a fire in my heart that burns so bright,

[Martin Manley]

can you see the light?

[Rich Levine]

And one of my favorite parts. A 1400 word argument for Mitch Richmond and Kevin Johnson to be in the Basketball hall of fame.

[Martin Manley]

Of the 38 players in NBA history that have qualified for the hall of Fame and were all NBA at least five times, 36 are in the hall of Fame. The only two that are not are Mitch Richmond and Kevin Johnson.

[Rich Levine]

Then one night, something like eight years after Martin's death, I'm up late clicking around his website when I land on a tab called basketball heaven.

[Martin Manley]

In 1986 I started researching the NBA. I began formulating ideas and it didn't take long before I realized I could produce a book.

[Rich Levine]

Now I'm tracking down this 30 year old book on ebay. I'm reading the words of this old sports writer begging everyone to shoot more threes.

[Martin Manley]

The three pointer is a big advantage and should be used more effectively by NBA teams.

[Rich Levine]

I was struck. Did Martin Manley predict the three point revolution? I'd spent almost a decade obsessing over this guy. From my early 30s, lonely in Boston to married with three kids in California. But now I could relate to Martin more than ever. I realized I wanted to share his story with the world. I didn't know exactly what that would look like, but I knew it might be nice to have some company. Someone to take the wheel if the road got bumpy.

[Nick Altshuler]

You needed perhaps the mahorn to your lambeer?

[Rich Levine]

Well actually no. It says here mahorn is actually a year younger than laimbeer so that will not work.

[Nick Altshuler]

Oh, we're doing the old thing again.

[Rich Levine]

Maybe the doc to my Marty McFly.

[Nick Altshuler]

Very funny.

[Rich Levine]

Nick and I had worked together before. We even co hosted a short lived NBA podcast in the late aughts, the Dino Raja Experience. Great show. And we talked about collaborating again and I thought Martin was fascinating enough to pique my old friend's interest. Nick, you remember that first conversation we had about Martin?

[Nick Altshuler]

I do. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday in 2022. I was in a coffee shop. We were all still adjusting to post pandemic life. I had two boys under five years old at home. I was caffeinated, anxious and underemployed and my dad had recently passed away.

[Rich Levine]

And it's crazy man, because we were talking like a decent amount around that time but I don't even think I ever knew that.

[Nick Altshuler]

Well yeah, because we would normally talk about sports. You did know that I had tried to write my own book which didn't succeed. I think you read some of it, but I never told you that the last thing I ever gave my father was a copy of the manuscript. He was really sick at the time at the hospital and I don't know if he ever read it. I don't know if I want him to have read it. I wasn't really proud of where I was in life at the time and I wonder how my dad felt about me at the end of his so

[Rich Levine]

Rider Kill self was a great project for us to get lost in.

[Nick Altshuler]

Actually yes. I think we owe Martin a lot for one thing he taught us always have a project. If you spend too much time inside your own head, sometimes you forget how to get out.

[Martin Manley]

I've planned to end my own life for as long as I remember. I didn't put a date on it however, until June 11th, 2012. I never accepted the archaic notion that I should simply die at some point, either in a long drawn out miserable death or in an instant for which I was not prepared. That was an insane thought in my orderly world and I knew the only way I could be Confident about going out the way I wanted was to do it at a relatively early age.

[Nick Altshuler]

There are never totally clear explanations for a suicide. Absolute clarity seems impossible.

[Rich Levine]

What we do know with Martin, however, is that he had at least one eye on his legacy.

[Martin Manley]

The point of this is that with only a brother and sister, no children, no nieces or nephews, I will have been forgotten pretty fast unless I did something that was way outside the box.

[Nick Altshuler]

Martin's first step outside the box involved creating that singular, mind blowing website, which he called Martin My Life and Death. The site is part journal, part magnum opus.

[Rich Levine]

And Nick, it feels worth calling out to everyone that this website is also the source of almost all the Martin voiceovers in this show.

[Nick Altshuler]

Yeah, it's so detailed, so autobiographical. It reads like one man's effort to grapple with, well, everything, including the biggest questions we all have, like whether to live or to die.

[Martin Manley]

My New Year's resolution is to explore the idea of committing suicide sooner rather than later. Meaning don't just put it off until I become too old to matter to anyone, or too old to record my life for posterity.

[Rich Levine]

In a section of his website called why Suicide? Martin clearly lays out his answer.

[Martin Manley]

The answer is in part because I can. You may think that's trite and that it doesn't answer the question at all, but hear me out. The thought of being in a nursing home physically or mentally disabled was the single scariest thing I had ever thought about, at least on this earth. So in order to make sure that it never happened, I determined that I would have to end things when I was still semi in intelligent and physically able. That's what I mean by saying, because I can.

[Nick Altshuler]

It's chilling to read him detail all of this so matter of factly, and then to equate the act of living to tarnishing a legacy.

[Martin Manley]

It is also true that I wanted to leave on top. What does on top mean? Of course, it means different things to different people. I'm inclined to think of it in a sports context because I'm such a sports fan. Very few athletes go out on top or even close. Most play far beyond their peak, far beyond their relevance. Oftentimes it's a sad sight to see.

[Rich Levine]

Farther down the page, Martin gives three other reasons for wanting to die by suicide. Reasons like his life insurance was set to expire and economic collapse is inevitable. Who wants to be around for that? He asks.

[Nick Altshuler]

And Martin bemoans the state of the world, how bad things can be.

[Rich Levine]

He points to the same tragic events I mentioned were weighing on me. When I first heard about Martin, Sandy

[Martin Manley]

Hook, the massacre of 20 small children and six adults in Newtown, Connecticut was perhaps the worst thing I had ever heard of in the United States, at least since 9 11. I don't cry much, but I cried over that a lot. Even as I type this, tears are in my eyes. Even as I proof this for the 20th time, tears are in my eyes.

[Nick Altshuler]

Just as he had with stats and basketball, Martin researched every aspect about how to kill himself. Just as he wanted the game to be played as efficiently as possible, he aimed to create the most efficient death he could.

[Rich Levine]

He played out all the scenarios. Overdosing, hanging, jumping, drowning, all carried a risk of something going wrong or of harming someone else. That was unacceptable to Martin. For instance, he considered closing his garage door and running his car.

[Martin Manley]

That might have been the best option if it weren't for the fact that I had half a duplex. It's very possible the fumes could escape into their living quarters and harm or kill them.

[Nick Altshuler]

In the end, Martin chose a handgun.

[Martin Manley]

When push came to shove, there really was only one way to go and that was via a firearm. It's about as certain to work as you can get.

[Nick Altshuler]

Next, Martin calculated the best time to do it.

[Martin Manley]

I guess it was just luck instead of destiny, but My birthday was August 15th. That was a perfect day to die. Two weeks before my lease expired. That gave my sister two weeks to take the few things I left for her before the lease expired. And it gave my landlord time to have it ready to release by September 1st. And if that wasn't enough coincidence, my renter's insurance renews on August 31st. As does my car insurance. As does my driver's license. As does the license plate on my car. What are the odds? I always loved it when a plan would come together.

[Nick Altshuler]

Finally, he determined the best place.

[Martin Manley]

I didn't want anyone discovering my body or witnessing it who wasn't trained for such a thing. I finally decided the best way to do it would be at 5am at the far southeast end of the parking lot at the Overland Park Police station.

[Rich Levine]

The website is both one man's living testament to himself and a pre written, pre approved obituary created to ensure he would be remembered to prove that he mattered.

[Martin Manley]

Let me ask you a question. After you die, you can be remembered by a few line obituary for one day in a newspaper. Or you can be remembered for years by a sight such as this. That was my choice and I chose the obvious.

[Rich Levine]

If we had to guess, we don't think Martin manley went to sleep on the night before he died. How could he? How could anyone? What would you do? Set an alarm?

[Martin Manley]

I never got over the desire to stay up as late as humanly possible. I think the reason was because I somehow viewed the end of the day as the end of one of the only days I would ever have in this world.

[Nick Altshuler]

What we do know is that on the morning of August 15, 2013, Martin wrote this on his other blog, Sports in Review.

[Martin Manley]

I will be posting something that just about everyone will find shocking. At 7pm tonight,

[Rich Levine]

he changed the outgoing message on his voicemail and walked out the door.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

Hi, it's 4:30am August 15th.

[Rich Levine]

Thank you for being my friend. This is the last time you'll hear from me. I wish you great happiness.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

At the tone, please record your message.

[Rich Levine]

When you have finished recording, you may

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

hang up or press 1 for more options.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Martin Manley]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Rich Levine]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Nick Altshuler]

My day kicks off with a refreshing Celsius energy drink. Then straight to the gym, pre K pickup back home to meal prep time for my fire station shift. One more Celsius. Gotta keep the lights on when the three alarm hits. I'm ready. Celsius Live Fit. Go grab a cold refreshing Celsius at your local retailer or locate [e-mail].

[Rich Levine]

In November 2024, Nick and I flew to Kansas City with our producer Raghu Manavalam in the early hours of the morning, around the same time Martin would have left his home for that last time, we headed for his house. Here we're creeping up on Mike Mosher Boulevard.

[Nick Altshuler]

Mike Mosher Boulevard.

[Rich Levine]

This felt like resting an ear on the beating heart of darkness.

[Nick Altshuler]

Or at least the heart of eeriness. Martin's home was the right half of a duplex. It's the first one you hit on a quiet suburban Kansas City called the Sac. Across the way, the neighbors have a basketball hoop in the road. Okay, we're here in front of Martin Manley's house. It's around 5am the stars are still out. I see the Big Dipper Right outside his door.

[Rich Levine]

Actually, Martin loved the stars. To think that he might have walked out of his house, you know, for the last time, looked up and seen a sky full of stars.

[Martin Manley]

When our family moved from Topeka to western Kansas, the one thing you could count on for at least a minimal amount of entertainment was the sky. I can remember times when it was pitch black. No moon, you couldn't see your hand in front of your face, but you could see the stars. Boy, could you see the stars.

[Rich Levine]

It seems like it might have been a little. It could have been a little comforting for him.

[Martin Manley]

I know it may seem superficial, but I hated winter so bad that to die during a cold, dark, icy snow, stormy night would have been the worst possible way to go. If nothing else, the symbolism as it is, I got to see another spring and another longest day of the year. By August 15, I was as far away from winter as possible.

[Rich Levine]

Right around this time, Martin walked out the door to this duplex here, you know, got into his car and made the drive to the Overland park police station. And I think right now that's what we're going to do. We're going to get in the car, we're going to take this drive that that Martin made and see where it leads.

[Nick Altshuler]

Moving down the still pre dawn roads, the occasional street lamp streaking overhead, we found time seemed to slow as we considered how Martin might have felt in that moment. In the magnitude of it, our focus actually narrowed to life's little things. Did he play music? Roll the window down.

[Martin Manley]

If you're trying to imagine what it was like in the closing minutes, you are worrying too much about what must have been going through my head. No pun intended.

[Rich Levine]

On the morning of August 15, 2013, on his 60th birthday, Martin Manley pulled up to the Overland park police station and called 911.

[Martin Manley]

I told them I want to report a suicide at the south end of the parking lot of the Overland park police station at 123rd and Metcalfe.

[Rich Levine]

Then, holding a crucifix in his hand, Martin shot himself in the head with a Colt 380 pistol. He did so under a tree mere steps from an outdoor hardtop basketball court. We should say that the Overland Park Police Department refused to share Martin's 911 call. Given the sensitive nature of the call, they weren't obliged to release it without a corporate court order or a subpoena. What we do know from a two page, heavily redacted report is that Martin was announced dead shortly before 5am we

[Nick Altshuler]

did speak to one officer who remembered driving in that day, remembered that the body was already covered. He said the tree under which Martin killed himself never grew as well as the others. Eventually it was cut down.

[Rich Levine]

And as the sun came up, news of Martin's death began to spread.

[Barbie Flick]

What happened is I checked my email.

[Nick Altshuler]

Martin's older sister, Barbie flick, lived about 90 miles away in Maple Hill. She told us that on the morning of Martin's death, she checked her email, which was unusual for her.

[Barbie Flick]

Very unusual. I wasn't one to ever check my email at work. I checked it when I got home at night. This morning, for some reason, at 6:30 in the morning or maybe earlier, I decided to check my email. So that could have been from God.

[Nick Altshuler]

As promised, Martin had left her a message.

[Barbie Flick]

And so I opened up the email and I could read some of it to you. If you want the intro, I could read it to you.

[Nick Altshuler]

Please,

[Barbie Flick]

Barbie. And Phil, he addressed it to both of us. I hope this is the first you are hearing of it. Today is my 60th birthday, the last day of my life. Assuming everything went according to plan, and I'm 100% sure it did, I have been dead for a few hours. Please set aside your shock long enough to read this. I'm sorry for any hurt this may cause and I understand if you are angry. Perhaps by the time you are done reading you will feel less so, but perhaps not. Unfortunately, I couldn't make this decision based on anyone else's feelings. I'm the only one living in my shoes. Nevertheless, I hope you can consider my actions with an open mind and forgive me either way. And this is, gosh, I don't even know, 10 pages. It's a lot, you know, but he goes into great detail about all the planning he did and what it took and how organized he had to be. And I was so impressed. I mean, he did make it easy. He did make it easy. I don't think I ever stopped and cried because he was, you know, telling me how he felt and he was happy and don't feel bad. I'm not like all the other people that commit suicide when they're depressed. I'm thrilled. He said he's been thinking about it somewhere in there. He's been thinking about it most of his life.

[Rich Levine]

65 miles away, Martin's friend and Basketball Heaven collaborator Todd Weller, who we met in episode two, received an unexpected package at home in Topeka.

[Martin Manley]

I'm getting ready to go to work

[Rich Levine]

and just sitting there having my coffee

[Commercial Announcer]

and it's fairly early and we get

[Rich Levine]

a ring on the doorbell and it's FedEx dropping off this huge box to my front door. And my wife and I would kind

[Martin Manley]

of like, did you order anything?

[Rich Levine]

No, I didn't. And I go outside and Martin had

[Martin Manley]

been behaving strangely for probably a year.

[Rich Levine]

And I, you know, I didn't know what was up.

[Martin Manley]

And I saw that this box was from Martin. And before I even opened it, I

[Rich Levine]

yelled in melody, I think Martin's killed himself. Terri Hansen, Martin's second wife, is a very early riser. She'd already read her email. She'd already gone out to her shed where Martin stashed three boxes, one for her and for each of her daughters, just hours before his death.

[Nick Altshuler]

May I ask what was in the boxes?

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

Well, a lot of pictures, just mementos and things. And I got, lucky me, I got his wallet.

[Nick Altshuler]

You got the wallet?

[Barbie Flick]

Yes.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

Which.

[Nick Altshuler]

The famous wallet.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

It was so pathetic. I mean, it was held together by strings. And we. I bought him wallets and he just wouldn't use them. He would not replace that thing for anything.

[Martin Manley]

I had this puppy attached to my butt for the last 23 years of my life. I super glued it back together on multiple occasions. It became somewhat of a cold slap in the face when I realized that I. I had become my billfold.

[Nick Altshuler]

Even though Martin wrote exhaustively about his suicide, Rich and I needed help trying to understand his thought process. Specifically, we wanted to explore the idea of a rational suicide. In a sense, Martin made his case for it by laying out all the reasons he had for wanting to end his life. But can suicide be a strictly rational choice? Or was Martin's analytical mind trying to rationalize his death while battling depression or another mental illness?

[Rich Levine]

For insight, we spoke with psychology professor Matthew Knock, director of the Laboratory of Clinical and Developmental Research at Harvard.

[Nick Altshuler]

Starting right off, like, what were your initial impressions of Martin and his website?

[Professor Matthew Knock]

The website is interesting. You know, it's pretty clearly written, pretty logically written of why suicide, why not suicide? And I recognize a lot of sort of traditional signs that one might see that suggest risk for suicide. Thomas Joyner is a psychologist who has this. One of the leading theories of suicide that says that people become suicidal when they feel like they're a burden to others and they don't belong. And the language he used throughout and the things he said throughout the. I think pretty clearly suggested that he perceived himself to be a burden or perceived that he was beginning to become a burden. And he also seemed pretty hopeless. And hopelessness is one of the strongest most consistent risk factors for suicide. So it seemed like he had done in his internal calculus. There wasn't hope for the future. Things were going to get worse in the future. He was going to be a burden to others. And so for him, this is a reason to end his life.

[Nick Altshuler]

Can you be hopeless and feel like a burden while not being depressed?

[Professor Matthew Knock]

Yes. Depression is a, you know, is a specific set of criteria outlined in the

[Nick Altshuler]

DSM that would be the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

[Professor Matthew Knock]

You can not meet the criteria for depression and still feel incredibly hopeless and incredibly pessimistic and feel like you're a burden to others without feeling depressed or anhedonic more days than not for at least two weeks without having changes in eating and sleeping and so on, which are some of the criteria for major depressive disorder.

[Rich Levine]

When we asked Professor Knock about the idea of rational suicide, he told us about another case that echoed with Martin's experience.

[Professor Matthew Knock]

There was a similar case that I just came across the other day in the news about David Courtney, English gangster turned actor. He was 64 and he left a video. He said, I'm of sound mind and body, have incredibly severe arthritis. I'm in constant pain. This is not fun anymore. I've had a fun life, a long life, but I'm in pain. Is it rational? I mean, it's logical, it makes sense.

[Nick Altshuler]

We've all known pain, but you can't truly experience someone else's. A decision that may look irrational to us may make all the sense in the world to another person. Maybe. Martin's case seems to be an outlier. Martin wrote on his site that he wasn't depressed. Remember all that going out on top stuff? And maybe that's true, but his situation also sadly aligns with a high risk demographic.

[Professor Matthew Knock]

The highest suicide rate is in older white men after retirement age. If you look at the charts that CDC produces, rates are highest in the US in white men. Starting in adolescence, young adulthood, they flatten out and then at retirement age, they skyrocket. In white men, the common thinking is a lot of this has to do with the fact that generally speaking, males tend to be less social, less well connected than females, and that after retirement this really comes into play when a lot of older white men are more isolated and don't have social networks and don't have connections and don't have the same purpose and meaning in life that comes with work and participating in the workforce.

[Nick Altshuler]

It seems like he was a man, a retired man who needed a project and his death became his project.

[Professor Matthew Knock]

Yeah, yeah, I think it's a fair, probably fairly accurate interpretation. I've seen cases that are much more perplexing where person with young children who's highly functioning, very successful, very active, very fit, seemingly perfect health, dies by suicide. Those are really hard to understand. In this case, he's pretty clear articulating. I feel like I'm at the end. I feel like I'm beginning to become a burden. I fear becoming physically ill and relying on others to take care of me. He's sort of arguing out or listing out a lot of the things that people say before they die by suicide. Again, he's doing it in a much more documented, articulate, prolonged way. But to answer your question, no, I wasn't so surprised by the content.

[Nick Altshuler]

As Professor Knox says, perhaps Martin's choice appears irrational to us, but there is a logic, perhaps a cold one, almost Vulcan, actually. While detailing his logic on the website, Martin References A 1991 episode of Star Trek the Next Generation entitled Half a Life.

[Martin Manley]

David Ogden Stiers, Dr. Timicin falls for the Mother Law of one of the crew on the Enterprise.

[Barbie Flick]

Would you come in for a nightcap?

[Commercial Announcer]

I wish I could.

[Martin Manley]

At first he tries to discourage her from being interested in him, but eventually neither can resist the urge. Unfortunately, unfortunately, their relationship can never last. La becomes livid when she discovers that, approaching the age of 60, Timicin is upon returning to his planet to undergo the Resolution ritual suicide.

[Rich Levine]

Why 60?

[Barbie Flick]

Why not 62?

[Nick Altshuler]

58?

[Martin Manley]

A reasonable age had to be set,

[Barbie Flick]

but it's not reasonable.

[Martin Manley]

Waxana and Timicin sp spend a lot of time together discussing the concept of ritual suicide. The Resolution is a celebration of life. It allows us to end our lives with dignity.

[Professor Matthew Knock]

Ah, celebration.

[Martin Manley]

Lawaxana considers the practice barbaric, while Timicin attempts to explain that in his culture it is an accepted practice for all to undergo the ritual on their 60th birthday to avoid old age, infirmities, indignity, dependence on others, and the cruel uncertainty about when the end would come. Lawaxana eventually concedes. She packs her bags and sets out to accompany Timicin to be with him at his ritual. She promises not to cause trouble, and Timicin and Lawaxana beam down hand in hand, to the planet.

[Nick Altshuler]

Martin writes that this story is proof that he was 200 years ahead of his time. But I watched this episode and Martin neglects one crucial detail. The good Dr. Timicin changes his mind. He decides actually he doesn't want to die. He would like to live with the woman he loves, maybe finish that research he's been doing to save his planet Sun. But no, the people from his home planet essentially peer pressure him into dying, into conforming for the sake of their tradition. In his books, Martin would occasionally leave out inconvenient variables for the sake of his argument. He did it on his website too. Near the beginning, he writes that he made the decision to die on June 11, 2012, but he never says why. So he asked his second wife Terry about it.

[Rich Levine]

Do you have any insight into what might have happened, like in June 11? You know, he says that like I always thought I might commit suicide someday, but I not until June 11, 2012 did I say it's going to be on my birthday, 60th birthday.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

Yeah, I do. I took him out to dinner and told him I was dating someone that I was, that I really liked and that. And he said at the time, you know, maybe I'll kill myself or something like that, you know, not in a threatening way. He was joking. I thought he was joking anyway.

[Rich Levine]

Which leads us to another aspect of Martin's life that Nick and I struggle to understand, maybe the biggest when it comes to how he died. Martin believed in God. He held a crucifix at the end that scrambled our unbaptized brains. Because isn't suicide a mortal sin? If you believe in heaven and hell, isn't suicide kind of punching a ticket to a particular fiery destination? While we were in Kansas, we had a chance to ask two people perhaps best positioned to answer this question. For the last 13 years of his life, Martin was a member of an Evangelical Lutheran church in Olathe, a city just outside Overland Park. He even sang in the choir.

[Nick Altshuler]

Alright, we're outside the Advent Lutheran Church. It's a big beige building and we're

[Rich Levine]

meeting Susan Langhauser and Roger Gustafson, who are no longer the pastors at this church, but were the co pastors when Martin was here. When Martin passed.

[Nick Altshuler]

It should also be noted we're meeting Susan and Roger right after the Chiefs blocked the last second field goal to improve their record to 90 for the 24 season.

[Rich Levine]

They're coming out of their car right now.

[Nick Altshuler]

Hello. Congratulations on the victory.

[Rich Levine]

Roger, how are you? Rich.

[Commercial Announcer]

Rich, nice to meet you. Good to meet you.

[Martin Manley]

Nick.

[Rich Levine]

Nick, yes. Hi Susan. We were so nervous we were going to be bad luck for the Chiefs. So nice to meet you.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

If we had left to come over here, I don't think I would have

[Rich Levine]

ever spoken to you lovely people.

[Nick Altshuler]

Truly the kind to make two non church goers think. I guess I could see coming in once or twice. It's a good hang.

[Rich Levine]

Roger has an impeccably trimmed goatee of white stubble and a bald head that's almost polished. He has a calm, wise demeanor. When he speaks, he makes you feel heard and that you're getting his best considered response.

[Nick Altshuler]

Susan has shoulder length gray hair and big, shining eyes that often look at Roger in a way that seems a little spicy for church.

[Rich Levine]

Don't be a prude. They're married.

[Nick Altshuler]

Right out of the gate. Susan gives us keen insight into Martin.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

We did a thing called Dessert Theater where the people in the choir would take Broadway things and perform them, and then we'd have dessert and raise money for a educational foundation or something. And the one I remember that he did with a lady who's very artistic and very, you know, heady, and I, you know, Laurie, I don't know really what their relationship was, but they did a scene from Little Shop of Horrors. Okay.

[Rich Levine]

Do you know that we know that's his favorite movie of all time.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

Okay. Because he. And he played Seymour and she played the. The girl whose name I. Audrey, Right. No, that was the plan.

[Rich Levine]

No, but he named the plant after her.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

I believe Audrey 2 was the plant. Okay, so here we have Martin in his little pork pie hat and the gal who sang Audrey, who was very tall and willowy and creative and. And I think the rest of the choir went. They came out and said, we're doing this thing from Little Shop of Horrors. They. Everybody kind of went, really?

[Rich Levine]

Did he nail it? Was he.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

Oh, it was wonderful. It was wonderful. You know, and that's where you kind of go, here's the little guy who sits in the dark during the night and, you know, on his computer or writing or whatever he's doing, and then he comes out and does a piece from Broadway show with this beautiful, tall, willowy gal, you know, and the whole congregation is like, did you see that? You know, I don't even remember what anybody else did that night because that was like the coolest thing, because we all got to see a whole different side of Martin.

[Rich Levine]

For what it's worth, we desperately tried to track down a copy of this performance, and sadly, we came up short. But we did find an old home video of Martin singing karaoke. Someday we'll find it.

[Nick Altshuler]

The Rainbow,

[Rich Levine]

the Lovers, the Dreamers and me.

[Nick Altshuler]

The man had pipes.

[Rich Levine]

But there was still that one lingering question, logistic, if you want to call it that, around which we hoped Roger and Susan could provide some insight, even

[Martin Manley]

though there are many reasons Why I might not have committed suicide. The single biggest reason by a mile not to do it is because suicide is considered a mortal sin by many religions. And I can't fault the logic.

[Commercial Announcer]

I remember one adult class between services, you led it on suicide. It was shortly after because we knew people were. How do we get a handle on this? How do we think about this? I sat next to a guy who said, the only reason I'm here and did not do what Martin did is because of fear of going to hell. I remember thinking how totally opposite Martin's feeling was. He had no fear at all. I mean, he wasn't joyful about it. He was just a comment. It was logical for Martin. His suicide was logical. I don't want to be dependent. I want to. I want to go out at the top of my game in a way. Right? And so. And so we did. But fear did not play into that anywhere. He was a totally free man, I think.

[Nick Altshuler]

Does the absence of fear negate the sinful nature of the act,

[Commercial Announcer]

the taking of life?

[Rich Levine]

Yes.

[Commercial Announcer]

No.

[Nick Altshuler]

No.

[Commercial Announcer]

Courage doesn't negate it. Fear doesn't negate it. Tragedy is tragedy. But once again, whether we live or whether we die, we don't have the final say on God's freedom to accept us.

[Nick Altshuler]

So I guess Martin was asking to be accepted. But I mean, according to the church, is Martin Manley in heaven? He is.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

Martin really believed that Jesus loved him. You know, and I use the phrase in preaching all the time, God loves you no matter what. In other words, no matter what you do, you can't make God not love you. It's a sinful act to take your own life. It's a selfish act to take your own life. But it's not. Doesn't. Nothing separates us from the love of God.

[Rich Levine]

We spoke to Roger and Susan for more than an hour and a half. We saw where the choir performs during service. They showed us a framed picture of Martin in a back office where he's wearing a black fedora, chorus and holding an old small dog with its tongue out.

[Nick Altshuler]

So was Martin that memorable or are you guys just really that good at being pastors that you remember him that well?

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

Answer that.

[Commercial Announcer]

Okay. So we were here for. Together 23 years. And in that time, you see, you had a lot of families involved and stuff happens and you're, you're privy to a lot of stuff that many people aren't. And you see relationships break up and, and how people handle that. But to see Martin and his ex family, maybe they weren't ever Ex family. But after. After the relationship broke up, they still showed up at the communion table together. They came to church. And that to me was. Was a real picture of the kingdom of God. And this is a family that made it work in the midst of disagreements and pain and all of it that goes into fracturing relationship. They still made it work at the communion table in this place. And that's. There's a holiness to that, to being part of that. The memory of that sticks with you. It does with us.

[Rich Levine]

What Roger and Susan told us about Martin gave him yet another dimension.

[Nick Altshuler]

Just when you think you know a

[Rich Levine]

guy, you have to picture him singing joyfully in a church quarter choir.

[Nick Altshuler]

It's a long way from scratching your butt with a letter opener.

[Rich Levine]

We all contain multitudes, yes, but Martin's

[Nick Altshuler]

multitudes often feel far more multitudinous than the rest of us. Something you and I were beginning to understand in a whole new way after our visit with Susan and Roger.

[Rich Levine]

But our sense of Martin remains slippery. He may have left behind a shocking, detailed account of his death. A death he thought rational, logical, an attempt at a clear, firm end. But he also left behind something else. Something that suggested he didn't want his death to be the end of his story.

[Barbie Flick]

The coordinates lead to a forest south of Kansas City in the Oberlin Arboretum. Now go get that treasure, redditors.

[Nick Altshuler]

Next time on Chasing Basketball Heaven.

[Barbie Flick]

He was a prepper. I'm still a prepper, you know, prepared for the worst case scenario of everything.

[Rich Levine]

We head back to Kansas to learn how Martin became Martin.

[Roger Gustafson / Susan Langhauser]

I remember when I was really young, he called me weird, and I, like, thought it was a mean thing to say, but it was a compliment coming from him because he was weird, too.

[Nick Altshuler]

And we go hunting for Martin's buried gold.

[Martin Manley]

I don't know what he did with

[Commercial Announcer]

the gold and silver, but he said

[Martin Manley]

he'd given it to people who needed

[Rich Levine]

it far more than he did.

[Nick Altshuler]

Chasing Basketball Heaven is a 30 for 30 podcast produced by ESPN, HyperObject Industries and Meadowlark Media.

[Rich Levine]

It was reported and hosted by Nick Alschuler and Rich Levine, with Craig Kilbourne as the voice of Martin Manley.

[Nick Altshuler]

Executive producers from Hyperobject Industries and Meadowlark media are Adam McKay, Claire Slaughter and Bradley Campbell.

[Rich Levine]

Senior editorial producer of 30 for 30 podcasts is Preeti Varathan. The series senior producer is Raghu Manavalan. The series producer is Gus Navarro.

[Nick Altshuler]

Consulting producer was Gary Honig.

[Rich Levine]

Story editors were Jamie York and Mack Muntandan.

[Nick Altshuler]

Sound design and mix by John Delore.

[Rich Levine]

Theme song composed by Alison Layton Brown and John Delore.

[Nick Altshuler]

Show art by Brian Lutz fact checking

[Rich Levine]

by Matt Giles and David Sabino.

[Nick Altshuler]

Our sensitivity reader was John Moe for

[Rich Levine]

30 for 30 and ESPN line producer is Kathryn Sanke.

[Nick Altshuler]

Associate producer is Isabella Seaman.

[Rich Levine]

Production assistants are Diamante McKelvey and Anthony Salas.

[Nick Altshuler]

Producer is Carolyn Hepburn.

[Rich Levine]

Senior producers are Mark Keith, Stacy and Gentry Kirby.

[Nick Altshuler]

Heather Anderson, Marcia Cook, Brian Lockhart and Burke Magnus are executive producers for 30

[Rich Levine]

for 30 rights and clearances by Jennifer Thorpe and Cal Griffith.

[Nick Altshuler]

This podcast was developed by Taryn Adalny and Cynthia Parabello.

[Rich Levine]

To listen to more sports series like this one, search 30 for 30podcasts wherever you listen to podcasts or find us at 30for30podcast.com. Thanks for listening.