Revisited: The Secret to Happiness with Harvard professor Robert Waldinger

Summary

A Bit of Optimism: Revisited - The Secret to Happiness with Robert Waldinger

In this insightful episode of A Bit of Optimism, host Simon Sinek engages in a thought-provoking conversation with Harvard Professor Robert Waldinger, the current director of the renowned Harvard Study of Adult Development. Released on May 20, 2025, the episode delves deep into the factors that contribute to a happy and fulfilling life, drawing from decades of longitudinal research.

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Introduction to the Harvard Study of Adult Development

Simon Sinek opens the episode with a light-hearted joke about psychiatrists changing light bulbs, setting a conversational tone (00:00). He then introduces the Harvard Study of Adult Development, a groundbreaking research project initiated in the 1930s that has meticulously tracked the lives of 724 individuals from their teenage years onward. Remarkably, only ten of the original participants are still living, all surpassing the age of 100. Robert Waldinger, who has helmed the study for the past 22 years, provides unique insights into what truly fosters happiness and longevity.

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Becoming the Director of the Study

Simon curiously asks Waldinger how he came to lead the study, jokingly pondering if Waldinger was the third choice for the position (00:10). Waldinger recounts his initial reluctance, explaining that his predecessor sought others who declined the "messy albatross" of the project. However, a singular, poignant experience reading through a participant's life story ignited his passion for the study, leading him to embrace the role wholeheartedly (02:06).

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The Essence of a Happy Life: Purpose and Engagement

A core theme of the discussion is the significance of having a purpose beyond oneself. Waldinger emphasizes that individuals who aspire to make a difference and remain engaged in meaningful activities tend to experience higher levels of happiness throughout their lives (03:21). He refers to Erik Erikson's concept of "generativity versus stagnation," highlighting that contributing to the welfare of others fosters a sense of fulfillment and reduces regrets in later years (05:14).

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Modern Challenges to Community and Social Connections

Simon and Waldinger explore the erosion of traditional community structures in contemporary society. Simon observes a decline in long-term affiliations such as lifelong employment and regular participation in community or religious groups (05:51). Waldinger references Robert Putnam's Bowling Alone to illustrate how the digital revolution has accelerated social isolation, making meaningful connections harder to sustain in an era dominated by virtual interactions (07:10).

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Redefining Community in the Digital Age

The conversation shifts to redefining what community means today. Waldinger suggests that true community involves fluid and diverse connections rather than static groups (11:33). He advocates for creating environments where people from varied backgrounds can interact and form meaningful bonds, akin to the old-school salons. Simon echoes this sentiment, proposing the idea of hosting diverse dinner parties to foster deeper and more expansive social networks (12:32).

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Personal Applications: Building Strong Relationships

Drawing from the study's findings, Waldinger shares personal strategies he has adopted to enhance his own happiness. He actively initiates social interactions, such as calling friends for walks or dinners, rather than waiting for social activities to be organized by others (14:08). This proactive approach helps in cultivating deeper and more individualized relationships, moving beyond superficial interactions within a fixed social circle.

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The Role of Physical Health and Longevity

Physical well-being emerges as a critical factor in the study's analysis of longevity and happiness. Waldinger points out that individuals who maintain regular exercise routines, avoid substance abuse, and manage their weight tend to live longer and healthier lives (14:56). Simon connects this to contemporary obsessions with biohacking and longevity, noting that while these practices focus on physical health, they often neglect the equally important aspect of social well-being (16:06).

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Money, Fame, and Their Limited Impact on Happiness

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the influence of money and fame on happiness. Waldinger asserts that while financial stability is essential for meeting basic needs, beyond a certain point, additional wealth does not significantly enhance happiness (37:17). He also touches on the detrimental effects of fame, which can intrude on personal life and reduce overall happiness (41:31). Simon emphasizes the paramount importance of time over money, highlighting that time is a non-renewable resource that should be valued more highly than material wealth (39:37).

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The Importance of Undivided Attention

Attention is described as the most fundamental form of love. Waldinger references his Zen teacher, John Tarrant, who stated, "attention is the most basic form of love" (40:50). Both Simon and Waldinger lament the prevalence of divided attention in the digital age, where multitasking often detracts from meaningful interpersonal connections (41:05).

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Passion and the Outcome of Work

Simon and Waldinger discuss the nuanced understanding of passion. They argue that true passion lies not merely in the work itself but in the outcomes and impacts that the work produces. Waldinger illustrates this with examples from his own life and others', emphasizing that seeing the tangible results of one's efforts can sustain motivation and happiness, even amidst mundane or challenging tasks (28:44). Simon adds that passion should be directed towards the meaningful outcomes rather than the laborious process itself (30:49).

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Final Insights on Happiness

In wrapping up, Waldinger distills his research into two actionable insights for enhancing happiness: engaging with people and engaging in activities that one cares about (44:25). Simon concurs, highlighting that these elements are foundational to a fulfilling and joyful life. The conversation concludes on an uplifting note, with both participants expressing a sense of elation and optimism derived from their discussion (44:38).

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Notable Quotes

• Waldinger on Purpose: "A lot of them care about making a difference in the world... and the people who stay with that, I think, stay engaged in life." (03:21)

• Waldinger on Generativity: "Adults go through these stages... generativity was wanting to be part of something bigger than yourself." (05:14)

• Waldinger on Social Isolation: "The digital revolution has accelerated the trends that were already there... the path of least resistance now is social isolation." (07:10)

• Waldinger on Attention: "Attention is the most basic form of love... our undivided attention." (40:50)

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Conclusion

This episode of A Bit of Optimism provides profound insights into the elements that contribute to a happy and long life. Through the lens of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, Robert Waldinger elucidates the paramount importance of meaningful relationships, a sense of purpose, and maintaining both physical and mental well-being. Simon Sinek effectively ties these concepts to contemporary societal challenges, offering listeners actionable strategies to enhance their own happiness. Whether it's redefining community in the digital age or prioritizing undivided attention in personal relationships, the episode serves as a comprehensive guide to cultivating a fulfilling life.

Transcript

[Simon Sinek]

You might know this because you are a psychiatrist. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

One.

[Simon Sinek]

Exactly one. But the light bulb has to really want to change.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I love that joke.

[Simon Sinek]

We all want to live a happy life, of course. In fact, we want it so much that there's a whole cottage industry built around helping us find it. But what does a happy life actually look like? In the 1930s, some Harvard scientists started tracking 724 teenagers. They kept detailed records about how they lived their lives and what gave them satisfaction. They tracked all 724 people for their entire lives. Only 10 of them are still living today and they are all in their hundreds. But just like the people the study tracked, the scientists got old too. So the director of the study was handed to subsequent generations. And Dr. Robert Waldinger is the current director, a position he's held for the past 22 years. So he knows a lot about what actually leads to a happy life. I wanted to know the things he's learning. I also wanted to know how he's changed his own life as a result of the data he reads. And let's just say I'm making a few changes to how I live my life too. This is a bit of optimism. I don't know how to ask this without it sounding not polite, but it's the only way I can. That's the only way I can think to ask it. How come they picked you to lead the happiness study?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Well, you're not the only one who asked that question. I asked that question.

[Simon Sinek]

Did you draw the short straw?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

You know, I might have drawn the short straw. What happened was my predecessor, George Valiant, asked a couple of other people and they said no. They said this is a great big messy albatross, you know, with data that goes back to 1938. So he got turned down.

[Simon Sinek]

So he proudly got his third choice.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I think I was at least his third choice.

[Simon Sinek]

So, so what made you say yes, let's go there then?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Oh well, the research project that I begged them to fund, the federal government said, nah, we're not so interested. So I was in that place and my predecessor said, come over to my office and just read through one person's file. And so I said okay. And so he, the file was probably a thousand pieces of paper. And I started reading through and I read about this 19 year old guy and what he hoped for for his life and what was most important to him and what it was like to be dating. And then I read about his 40 year old aspirations and then I flipped to his 60 year old discussion of his marriage and how disappointing it was.

[Simon Sinek]

You read his whole life?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I read his life. I sat there and read his life and it was like, this is like the coolest thing I could do.

[Simon Sinek]

Based on the actual people you studied, tell me something. They get right as they are young kids in their teens and they. Or even in their early 20s, and they start to think about what will make them happy and they get it right.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

A lot of them care about making a difference in the world, and they care about the world. And the people who stay with that, who they may not be the same purpose all the way through their lives, but the people who stay with that aspiration, I think, stay engaged in life. And I think that's what they get right.

[Simon Sinek]

That's really significant. Right. If we look at how we're teaching our children, universities advertise as a reason to choose them over another, the starting salaries of their graduates. And our guidance counselors, they don't ask us the right questions about how we want to contribute to the world. They ask us what we can do and where we think we can get employment. What I find very significant about what you're saying is what if our guidance counselors, what if our deans, what of our parents start instilling in us at a very young age the importance of simply wanting to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, Forget about actually achieving it, simply wanting it. That as you said, the data shows that people who at a young age want to contribute to something bigger themselves, they will somehow pursue that ideal for the rest of their lives, which keeps them at above average happy rates.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yes. And I think what happens is that many people have posited a kind of psychological maturity that involves wanting to be part of something bigger than the cell. Erik Erickson, I don't know if you've heard of his stuff, but he was Viking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no. He was a. A psychoanalyst from Vienna in the 30s and 40s who came to Boston, who taught for a while at Harvard. And he started talking about the stages of adult development. Nobody had talked about adult development. Everybody was interested in kids because they so obviously developed.

[Simon Sinek]

Right.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

But he said, you know, adults go through these stages. And one of his stages he called generativity versus stagnation. And the generativity was wanting to be part of something bigger than yourself, realizing, oh, I want to help raise kids, or I want to mentor people, or I want to do something that's not just me. And he said that the People who do that become the people who are going to look back on their lives with less regret, with more of a sense that my life was good enough.

[Simon Sinek]

I think we're living in a time where, though we intellectually know that because it's the subject of so many social media posts, I think we're living in a time where people don't feel connected to something bigger than themselves in general. We don't work for companies for 30 or 40 years anymore. Church attendance is down. Even the great power competitions of us versus the Soviet Union that we were proud to be a part of, this side versus that side, even at a global politics level, those things have gone away. And I think you see it on the left and the right politically, people latching onto absolutely anything that gives them that sense of belonging, but it doesn't last. Those attachments don't last, but you can see them just grasping for it. The intense latching onto, whether it's a far left or a far right point of view about how the world should work. And they latch onto it as if it's their life's purpose, but it isn't. It lasts for a period of time and then onto the next, or it dissipates.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Right. Or an identity as a certain kind of influencer or an identity as a person. Person living a certain style of life materially. I mean, there are all, all these various identities that people are struggling for. I think you're right. Robert Putnam is a political scientist. He wrote a book called Bowling Alone.

[Simon Sinek]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

And. Yeah, right. So you know about this. So he, he tracked. He tracked how we've stopped belonging. Right. We've stopped all the things you just said and we've stopped joining clubs and volunteering and having people over to our houses. And what he's found is that it's gotten worse since the digital revolution. The digital revolution has accelerated the trends that were already there. And so the path of least resistance now is social isolation, greater and greater isolation. And we're all kind of desperate for what to do about it and how to feel like we belong.

[Simon Sinek]

I wonder if we need a new word. And I'll tell you what I mean, because the technology has co opted words. Right. So a desktop used to be a horizontal surface.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

And now a desktop is a vertical surface.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

And a folder was something you used to put away in alphabetical order. And now a folder is something you click on.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Absolutely.

[Simon Sinek]

It's taken words and things to make the transition to living in a digital world. I know why they do it. It's because it's easier. But the word community used to mean, like, showing up and wearing a fez, you know, or, you know, there were secret handshakes and there was a time to meet up and there was free food, and community meant a thing. And now that word has been co opted to like being on an email list. Because now what you and I are talking about, we're attempting to offer an archaic definition of what community is. And I wonder if instead of trying to fight it, we just need a new word, and then people will want the thing that's the new word, because community already belongs online.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

But I worry that the word we're substituting is something like tribe, and tribe has all those connotations of who we exclude, who we make other. You know, all that stuff. I think we're all stuck in this place where we don't know how to belong without making other people enemies.

[Simon Sinek]

Yeah, I want to scratch this just a little bit more because when I articulated the concept of why, the reason I called it the why was a. Was a semantic problem that I faced, which is I got tired of debating with people, what comes first, vision or mission?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Hmm.

[Simon Sinek]

And the debate would go on forever. And so I finally realized we were having a semantic debate. And so I asked the people who believed vision was preeminent, what is the definition of vision to you? And they said, it's why I get out of bed in the morning. And I went to people who believed mission was preeminent, and I said, what's mission to you? And they said, well, it's why I do what I do. And so everybody, whether it was purpose or brand or whatever word they thought was the thing, they all gave me the same definition. And so I said, okay, so let's call it the why. And now we can all agree what it is, and now we can actually figure out how to do it rather than debate what comes first.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Right, right, exactly.

[Simon Sinek]

And so I wonder how people are defining community. And maybe you have some data that explains that. Like, it's one thing to say, I want my life to be a part of something bigger than itself. I want to feel a sense of purpose. But what actually, based on this longitudinal study, what actually do people mean when they say these words?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

The people who talked about it the most meant something quite fluid and quite individual. So the people who were the best at this would have, like, workmates over for barbecues, but they'd mix in their family, they'd mix in cousins, and they'd mix in people from their church. And they'd introduce each other. And so you have these people who become like the nodes of a group of people that get connected. They become, if you will, connectors. But that means that each person might be the node of a unique collection of people as opposed to one thing, you know, going to a church, going to a synagogue. Right? Yeah, you can do that. And that is a defined community. But most of us have these things that are more fluid and individual. One of my friends who's the best at this, keeps connecting his friends from random parts of his life. And it's really fun to get to be part of that group of people because it's so diverse.

[Simon Sinek]

I think you're touching on something that I think is really magical. Right. If we're saying it's important for us to build community. And I've done this, I've gone to dinner parties, and it's the same 10 people at somebody at just a different house.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

You know, and they say we care about community, but as you're defining it, it's not really community. It's just the same 10 people at different houses. And I think what you're talking about is the importance of the salon, the old school salon, which is instead of hosting a dinner party, we should take it upon ourselves to build salons, which is, I'm going to invite some tried and true friends. I'm going to invite some people who I just met recently. I'm going to invite somebody who I met at a different dinner party. And I may or may not give a subject to discuss at the table. But this is what's going to happen, because then I'll go to somebody else's dinner party who was at mine. And it's a lot of new people for me, too. And I love this idea of us not just hosting dinner party for the people we know, but for specifically hosting dinner parties for people we know that our friends don't know.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Exactly. Because the same 10 people is in a silo, right?

[Simon Sinek]

Yeah.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Like, it's almost. It could be hermetically sealed. And so you know what each other thinks. You know each other. But the most exciting conversations happen for me when people come who do completely different things, who come from different backgrounds. I mean, today I was on a call with a researcher who was growing nerve cells from schizophrenics. And he's trying to see is a nerve cell different in how it makes connections. If it's got the genes of someone with schizophrenia and therefore someone who has delusions, do the connections that a nerve cell make. Are they different for people with delusions? And I'm like. I'm, like, buzzing with all these ideas. Right. It's because a student of mine is also a student of his and brought us together and our heads started to explode with excited possibilities.

[Simon Sinek]

And I think what you're talking about is we connect not on the interests. That stuff is superficial. And that stuff is good at, you know, sort of getting people in the room.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

But we're talking about deep, deep values that are deeper than our political points of view, because I can have the same values as somebody with a different political point of view than me. And I think people confuse those things sometimes. I love this. How long have you. Have you led the. How long have you been the boss of the study?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

22 years.

[Simon Sinek]

22 years. And what did you learn from the data that you've been able to apply to your life that has made you happier?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I now call up my guy friends and I say, let's go for a walk. Let's go out to dinner. We're not just going to wait for our wives to do this thing to organize our social lives. We're going to do this. And at first it's really awkward. Like, we don't do this. We're guys. And then it's been a wonderful thing in terms of really getting to know individually people who were otherwise part of a social group, part of the same 10 people, if you will.

[Simon Sinek]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

But we never dug more deeply into knowing each other, and so it made me do that because I thought otherwise. I'm just going to sit here on my computer all day long doing my research stuff, doing my academic stuff, and pick my head up and have no friends.

[Simon Sinek]

That's a really good one.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yep. Somebody said, take care of your body like you're going to need it for 100 years. And I realized that, boy, this really, really matters. That in our data, the people who took care of themselves. So we're talking regular exercise, not abusing drugs and alcohol, not becoming obese, all that stuff. They lived, on average, 10 years longer and stayed healthier. So even though it's not rocket science and it's not news, I could see in my own data how much it really matters.

[Simon Sinek]

People, I assume, are starting to die now in the study. A lot of them have died. Right.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Most of the original folks have died. 724 original people, fewer than 10 are still alive, and they're all over age 100.

[Simon Sinek]

Okay. So of those 724, the ones who lived the longest, because biohacking is a thing now. And there's an obsession with longevity. And so the people who lived the longest, was there a pattern that you were able to discern? And the people who lived the shortest, was there a pattern that you were able to discern?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The longest was literally taking care of your physical health and being really socially engaged in the world. Okay. Those are the two things. And the people who lived the shortest, it was the opposite. People who became alcoholics, who became obese, who didn't take care of themselves, and who were isolated.

[Simon Sinek]

This is why I think your work is very, very important, is because I think a lot of the longevity people and biohackers and all of that, they're all talking about vitamins and exercise and. Sure, sure, sure, that stuff's great. And they pay lip service to community, whereas they're giving exact dosages of vitamin D that I should be taking on a daily basis. But nobody's giving me a prescription to how to hang out with my friends.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Because community doesn't make money. You can sell vitamin D. You can sell supplements, you can package them in fancy ways. You can sell them on a podcast. Right.

[Simon Sinek]

I appreciate the cynicism so much. You have no idea.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I'm so sorry.

[Simon Sinek]

No, I think you're 100% right. I think you're 100% right. There is a financial incentive to sell half a solution.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Exactly. You know, and what I struggle with. So, as you know, I'm a physician. I'm a psychiatrist. And one of the difficulties with medicine is that the vast amount of disease is preventable. But you don't make money in medicine preventing disease. You make money curing disease or trying to ameliorate disease with medications, with procedures. You don't make money preventing disease by encouraging people to socialize, by encouraging people to exercise.

[Simon Sinek]

I mean, you've been doing this for 22 years. Do you get tired talking about it?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, actually, no. I mean, okay, I do. I don't get.

[Simon Sinek]

Because you're getting the same question, like you could do a bunch of pod. You're gonna have to answer the same questions five times in a row.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, but how they get asked is so different. I mean, talking with you right now is really fun, right? Because of the way we're talking. No, but really, because there's this kind of. There's a real back and forth, right? It's. We're having a conversation. There are other times when it's like, just shoot me if someone says, I'm, you know, I'm really looking forward to reading your book. Can you explain to our listeners what you do? That's. That's like fingernails on a blackboard.

[Simon Sinek]

The interviews that I. That I hate doing is where the people are so over prepared to talk to me that they ask me questions about my book. Like, Simon, what are the five elements of the infinite game? And I was like, well, you know the answer. You say it like, why you ask me questions you know the answers to. Ask me questions you don't know the answers to. That's more fun.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Absolutely.

[Simon Sinek]

Absolutely.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

And so when something spontaneous happens, like is happening now with you, I could do this forever, but when the other happens, I just want to be done and never.

[Simon Sinek]

So I have to. I have. I mean, you might know this because you are a psychiatrist. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

One.

[Simon Sinek]

Exactly one. But the light bulb has to really want to change.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I love that joke. I love that joke.

[Simon Sinek]

What was your journey? How did you get into psychiatry when you decided you want to go to med school? Why the mind?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Well, when I decided to go to med school, it wasn't going to be the mind. I'm a Jewish kid from Des Moines, Iowa. I didn't know you're the Jewish kid.

[Simon Sinek]

From Des Moines, Iowa.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Well, close. No, no. We had about a thousand Jewish families in Des Moines. We had three and a half synagogues.

[Simon Sinek]

Wow.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

But, yeah, but most of the psychiatrists I knew worked with seriously mentally ill people in asylums. Psychotherapy was not a thing you did in Des Moines unless you were really ill and needed to be in a hospital. So I didn't know anybody, but I knew I really liked working with people. And so when I got to med school, I realized that psychiatry was like, by far the thing that excited me the most. But psychiatry is the stepchild of medicine. So a lot of my professors said, you know, either you're at the bottom of the class or you yourself are crazy, because there'd be no other reason for you to go into psychiatry. So it took me a long time before I finally admitted, like, who am I kidding? This is really the most interesting thing, because otherwise it was memorizing the 12 types of thyroid tumors. And I didn't care about thyroid tumors unless somebody I knew had one. But I cared deeply about the mind and especially how my own worked. So I had to come around to it despite the stigma of being a psychiatrist.

[Simon Sinek]

How did you get over the stigma? Because there's a lot of pressure to become an accountant or choose the line of medicine that's most in Demand right now because it's a better business option. You followed passion.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I did. I did. Well, partly I followed passion because I'm not good at doing things I'm not passionate about. Actually, all my energy drains and I start to shut down and I start to feel terrible. And I started to do that. I realized I don't care about most of medicine. So yes, I could become a cardiologist like many of my aunts and uncles wanted me to do, because cardiology is a nice field, right. But I realized I would just die, I would just wither on the vine. And what I've finally learned to do over time is to listen to that gut that says, I'm drawn to this and I'm not drawn to that. That's probably the hardest lesson I've had to keep learning throughout my life.

[Simon Sinek]

So good segue. If we look at the world as it is now, it seems that younger people who are trying to figure out what to do with their lives, their passion for something seems to be, I don't know if it's driven by gut, but seems to be driven by external reward structure. The number of young people who say, I want to be an influencer. It's like people who come up to me and say, simon, can I get your advice? I'd love to be a speaker. I'm like, oh, amazing. Or I want to be an author. I'm like, great, what do you want to speak about? They're like, I don't know yet. I'm like, well then no, no, you got it in the wrong order. Like, I want to be an influencer. Influencer is a mechanism to spread something. But what is the thing you're passionate about to spread? The thing that they think they're passionate for is something that looks cool, sounds cool, gets a lot of adoration, gets a lot of money, gets a lot of fame. And it's an age old question, how do I know what I'm passionate for?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

For me, it literally has been learning to tap into my energy. Is my energy higher or lower in this moment than it was a few minutes ago, literally? And I had to learn that, for example, I'm really enjoying this conversation. My energy is higher. And if I'm in a conversation where it starts to lower, I get it right away. And one of the things I've come to understand is that we get trained to ignore those signals. I was at least think about all the times you had to sit in a classroom in school and you'd have these urges to do something or explore Something. But of course, you had to sit still and watch the clock until the class was over. We've been taught to suppress these inner voices, I think, since we were in preschool.

[Simon Sinek]

I think you're right. But there's a nuance here that's very important, and I need you to unwrap it for me, which is we evaluate friends. Like, are our friends generative? You know, unbalanced? Not every time, because sometimes we're tired, sometimes they're tired. But in general, when I hang out with ex friend versus Y friend, is that friend generative in how I feel? Do I leave my time with them happier, Elated, as you said, like, up. Right. And am I paying attention to that? That I want to spend more time with them versus well, we've been friends for 15 years, so I guess I'll go out with them. And I think that's true with our work as well. It obviously conflicts with things like responsibility, because sometimes you have to suppress that feeling because I have to be responsible. You know, it's an imperfect standard. Right.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I don't always feel like changing that diaper.

[Simon Sinek]

Right, exactly. And I think you're touching upon it, which is folks like us are giving advice like, trust your gut. Follow that elation. But the problem is that I don't know if people are running towards it or when they don't feel it, they rebel against it. So in a work environment, right, we see this a lot where it's particularly young people, but not exclusively. They just have more courage. I think if they're in a job that doesn't do that, they're very vocal and sometimes rejecting of the culture, the leader, the boss, the job itself. And I think there's more about speaking out against the fact that I'm not elated, thinking that by speaking out against it, I will find the elation rather than doing more of the thing that elates me, like going to work and saying, hey, boss, this elates me in general. This elates me less in general. Can I do more of that, please? Rather than rejecting throwing the whole. The baby out with the bathwater?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Absolutely. There's more of a need to take responsibility for that, to have a sense of agency. Okay. If. If this job is draining as it is, what can I do? Right. What can I do? And. And some of that, as you know, has to do with connecting with people on the job. Like, one of the things we know is that if people have. Have friends on the job, if they have people they want to show up for, that in and of itself is Energizing. Even if you're making widgets in a way that's boring to you.

[Simon Sinek]

Yeah. We're creating a problem here. Do you realize that? Because we're saying, don't run away from. Run towards. Run towards a feeling. Run towards the contribution to something bigger. And yet I think people, if they're listening, will say, ah, I think I'm running away more often than I'm running towards. I'm running away from relationships rather than towards new ones. I'm running away from a job I hate rather than toward the one that I think I'm going to love. So now it begs the question, how do I know what to run towards?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Mmm. Okay, I have an example coming to mind. I loved doing theater as a high school kid, as a college kid, and if I just ran toward what I loved, I would be a failed actor today. So what I had to do was really take in the whole picture to realize, okay, I do. I love theater, I still love theater. But the whole picture was I came to understand that doing theater involved a lot of rejection. It involved getting bad reviews of plays sometimes in college. It involved getting turned down for parts. It involved feeling like I was acting with people who I didn't think were any fun to be with. All that. Right. And what I had to do was take in the larger picture, not just the isolated passion that I was looking at. Right. And so some of this is a kind of discernment where you say, okay, what goes with the whole package? So if we go back to psychiatry, what I found was that psychiatry has a whole package. It's one of the lowest paid specialties in medicine, but it's got one of the best lifestyles. On the other hand, cardiology is way better paid, but I don't like doing it. So there's a kind of discernment that's required for what do I run toward? What do I hang back from or walk away from? But the challenge is to take it all in, not just to say, okay, I'm going to focus on this one, one tiny part of it.

[Simon Sinek]

So you're asking people to do a cost analysis?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, basically, yes, I am.

[Simon Sinek]

And I think that's right. I love photography and I'm an active photographer. And I actively did not choose a career in photography because I interned at a couple photo studios when I was younger. I kept meeting people who were artists. They defined themselves as artists, photographers. And yet here they were, shooting bottles of ketchup for an ad campaign, and they. Their love. And I asked them, do you have A shoot for art anymore. They said, I either don't have the time or I don't have the energy. And so their passion became a job. I mean that pejoratively.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

Yeah. It became work.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

And I think that's where. When people say, I want to be in theater, I want to be in fashion, I want. And I think they forget that they're just businesses. They're just businesses. And I can tell you somebody who is passionate for fashion, who's a job in fashion, living their childhood dream, and they hate their life. And I can show you somebody who stumbled and bumbled and found themselves in manufacturing, making a widget like they're making a screw that fits in the back of a thing that nobody ever sees and that they're the happiest people alive. In fact, I was talking to a contractor, and I asked him, just out of the blue, I was sort of making small talk. I'm like, just out of curiosity, do you like your job?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

And he says, I love my job. He says, I love it. And he said it with such passion. No other word for it. And I was like, what do you love about it? He goes, I get to build things with my own hands, and I get to see them built. I get to see what I built. I start with nothing. I start with a pile of wood and some nails and some Sheetrock. And then when I'm done, you get that? And then I go do it again and again and again and again, whether it's a kitchen remodeling or whatever it is. And he had such elation to see the fruits of his actual labor.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Right. What you're saying reminds me of something I've come to understand, which is there's grunt work in anything. There's boring work in anything. And so really, what we have to figure out is what is the thing we're aiming toward that has enough in it that we love, that it's worth doing all the boring parts. Right? And so I'm sure not every bit of his contracting work, his construction work, is enlivening. But, boy, seeing what he's built lights him up, right? And he can hold onto that vision while he's pounding that umpteenth nail.

[Simon Sinek]

I'm having an insight here. Here's where we make a mistake. We're looking for the work to be the thing that is passionate. And it's not the work that is the thing that is passionate. It is what that work produces.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Right.

[Simon Sinek]

Because raising kids is awful. You know, in the early part, you don't sleep. You got, as you said, changing diapers in the middle of the night. You get peed on and thrown up on. And then they get a little older and they become teenagers and they're a pain in the ass to be around. And then one of them gets bad grades, and you got to deal with that. And another one gets a fight in school and punches a kid, and then you got to deal with that. And like, where's the joy? I thought that having kids was supposed to be joyful. Right? But. But then you have these unpredictable glimmers of your kids helping each other, or another parent saying your kid's great, or the teacher saying your kid helps all the other kids. You get these unexpected glimmers that make all of that worth it in an instant.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yes. Yes.

[Simon Sinek]

And I know that from my work. Like, writing books is the. It's the worst thing in the world. I don't know why anybody. People like, I want to be an author. I'm like, don't. It's the worst. But when you put something out in the world that resonates with people, it's instantly worth all of it. And I do it again, even though every time I've written a book, I've said, this is the last one. And I think people are looking for the passion in the wrong place. They're looking for the passion in the labor, but they're not looking for what the labor produces. And maybe this is one of the problems with knowledge work, which is knowledge work is kind of sitting at a desk. I don't even know how you define what labor is in a lot of knowledge work. And then what's the result of that labor? And do we appreciate the results of, like, we don't think about what the things we make. We don't think about the impact they have in the world. I'll give you an awful example. I met somebody recently who has a very niche specialty. She helps project manage the building of super yachts for the mega wealthy.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

There you go.

[Simon Sinek]

Of course, my first question was, how the hell did you get into that? You know, really? And I asked her, this is, do your clients ever say, thank you so much, why don't you take the yacht with your family for a week? And she said, it's never happened. So I said to her, so what you're telling me is these multi billionaires who build these yachts for many hundreds of millions of dollars that they use for two weeks a year, and they sail around the world just in case the family might want to use it at no point on this empty yacht has anybody ever said to you, thanks for all your hard work. Why don't you borrow the yacht? And she said, it's never happened. And I said, well, how does that make you feel? She says, it also occurs to me that what the hell good am I doing in the world? And so tremendous amount of labor, I'm sure, incredibly well compensated. But there's no glimmer. There's no. What an amazing opportunity that I have to give to my family. The opportunity to go on a mega yacht that none of us could afford, that none of us will ever have the opportunity. I'm going to take my friends that I grew up with who have middle income jobs and I'm going to show them something and give them an experience. And that makes all of this shit worth it because I get to give that to people that I love. And she never gets that glimmer.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Is she happy in her job?

[Simon Sinek]

No.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

No.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

No. It pays well.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't, don't you think it has to be a combination of getting there and the outcome? Because like when you talked about kids and you listed, you named. I've been through every horrible scenario and many more in raising my children. But there's also stuff along the way that is hilarious and wonderful and wacky. Right. There's like stuff punctuating all the crap that is absolutely wonderfully wild. And like getting to relive your own childhood is part of it. For me. I got to go to all these kids, kids movies that I would never go to. I got to be on roller coasters. So I think for me it's some of both. I couldn't do the work that I do if it was only the outcome because the outcomes are so far into the future. Like writing a book. Right. You know, as one of my friends said, who's in publishing, he said, only write a book if it's going to move along your own thinking in some ways. And it's true. Like I. And I bet for you too that it wasn't just that you were regurgitating stuff that was tried.

[Simon Sinek]

I was learning along the way.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

I had insights along the way that as I'm writing I feel electric because a new idea is pouring out of me in that moment.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah. And that, that I bet that was part of what kept you going. Not just the outcome of having it to put into the.

[Simon Sinek]

You know what we're defining here? You know what we're defining? We're defining a purpose driven life because if you think what purpose is, purpose is idealism. And idealism by its very definition is unrealizable. Right? All men are created equal. Never gonna happen. Never ever, ever. Not in a million years. However, it's the striving towards that. And to your point, it's the mile markers. I don't know how to define them, but like for example, women's suffrage, civil rights, abolition of slavery, it's like, ah, ooh, look, we got, we're getting closer, guys, we're getting closer. Let's keep going right to your point. I think if it was just awful work the whole time waiting for the final outcome, then we should absolutely quit. And I think you're right. I think it goes back to those glimmers, which is the little glimmers that say, you know what, this is worth it. I'm going to keep on this. I'm going to keep doing this kid rearing thing and not put them up for adoption. Because that was a fun family dinner last night.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly.

[Simon Sinek]

So I think if we're talking about purpose driven life, if we go right back to the beginning of this conversation, and this comes directly from your data, which is what I love, which is from a very young age, we instill in people, we instill in our youngest generations. It is good to be an idealist. It is good to strive to contribute to something bigger than yourself. You won't know how to get there. You'll change your mind a hundred times. But you have to keep your head looking beyond the horizon. And so long as you feel like you're getting closer to the horizon, even if it's a windy, difficult road, so long as you have elements that say, I think you're on a good path here, you will have a happy life.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

And as long as there's something nourishing along the way, there's gotta be something along the way to keep me going.

[Simon Sinek]

Does money, does money play any role in people's happiness? According to your study?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

It does. What we find is that you need to get your basic needs met in order to be happy. And that every dollar you make toward getting your basic needs met, like, you know, food and shelter and educating your kids, like every dollar you make makes you happier. We know that. But that, then you buy that $100 million yacht, it doesn't really make you happier. Yeah, on average, like, you know, if you, if you took all the $100 million yacht owners, they, there would, they wouldn't be happier on average than the people who basically had enough, who only.

[Simon Sinek]

Have a $50 million yacht.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Simon Sinek]

But you, but you know, comparison is relative, right? Because billionaires aren't comparing themselves to us. Billionaires are comparing themselves to each other.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yes. Because sometimes these billionaires are in great pain because they have a couple fewer billion than somebody else. I mean, it's hard to imagine. And yet I know it in my own life. Like I can compare myself on the most trivial things to other people and then I try to pull back from that and notice what I'm doing.

[Simon Sinek]

Unrelated. I'm just going to say it because it's fun. You want to understand the difference between a million and a billion when people talk about millionaires and billionaires. So an easy way to understand the difference. A million seconds is 11 and a half days. A billion seconds is 31 and a half years.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Wow. Okay.

[Simon Sinek]

And that's the difference between being a millionaire and a billionaire. It's not even close.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, but you know, the most valuable thing we have is time. So I like your analogy that you were talking about seconds. But those seconds are far more precious ultimately than those dollars.

[Simon Sinek]

Because money is a redeemable commodity. We spend it, we lose it, we can make more. But spending time or energy, these are non redeemable commodities. And everyone gets the same amount from day one. Everybody gets 24 hours in a day.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

But we don't know how much we get. Right. That's the thing.

[Simon Sinek]

Oh, in terms of lifespan.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

That's even more interesting. Yeah, I bet you're right.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

We all have 24 hours in a day.

[Simon Sinek]

We all have 24 hours in a day, but we don't know how many 24 hour days we get.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Exactly.

[Simon Sinek]

I mean, so when we give that precious commodity to another human being, when somebody's struggling at work and we sit down with them and we give them some tough love. When your kid is struggling at school and the teacher spends an hour after school, our friend is moving and we go to their house and we pack boxes. The expense of time as a gift, I mean it as a gift, because I'm totally anti that you have to use all that time to be productive as well. Because I think sometimes zoning out and watching TV is the best use of that time. I'm not making the analogy that you have to make use of all your time. I'm talking very specifically about the value of time as a gift to another human being is more valuable than any gift on the planet.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

I have a quote here from one of my Zen teachers. His name is John Tarrant and he said attention is the most basic form of love, if you think about it, our undivided attention. It's the most valuable thing we've got to give.

[Simon Sinek]

Oh, the only thing we have these days is divided attention.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

And we can't even watch TV without also checking social media and sending a text.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Absolutely. I mean, research shows we typically have two or three screens open at once.

[Simon Sinek]

So the only thing we have these days is divided attention. And yet the best way to express love to someone is undivided attention.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah.

[Simon Sinek]

You're blowing my mind a little bit. I want to ask you two final questions. How happy do money and fame actually make people?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

They don't. They don't make people not happy either. Well, actually fame may, because fame can make people intrude on your life and stuff. So fame actually might make you less happy. Money doesn't make you happier or not happier. Once you get above a certain level, you don't get much of a bump. You get some bump, but not that much. Fame is really a double edged sword. And you might be able to say something about that because you've received a lot of public attention. And I'm sure it's not all wonderful.

[Simon Sinek]

I think of it as cost. Right. I don't think of it as good or bad or like I never sought it out. I am happiest in the shadows. That's my happy place. I like being behind the scenes. My goal is to spread a message and to leave this world in better shape than I found it and contribute to the lives of my friends and the people I don't know as well. And part of the cost of that is some loss of privacy. And it's worth it because the benefit so outweighs that very small cost.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Oh, can I tell you? So when my TED talk went viral. So I'm, I'm very seriously involved in Zen and someone said, well, now you should put up a website. And I had no web presence at all. And I said, no, I wasn't going to do that. That was all ego. That was all going over to the dark side. And my Zen teachers said, you have the ability to convey ideas to people that will matter to them. Don't do that. And so they pushed me toward what you're describing, which is they said, don't stay in the shadows if you can be of use.

[Simon Sinek]

Yeah, that is my experience. In the early days, when my work started to gain traction, I was militant about keeping my face and name off everything. I wanted to put my name on the book in mouse type because the idea I never would put my picture on the COVID of a book. I still won't, because I'm not the thing. And I refused to have my picture on my website for years. And I wouldn't let my name be the URL because it's not about me. And then at some point, I made the realization that I. And you're this as well, which is you actually live two versions of yourself. You are you, obviously, but you are also the representation of your message.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Absolutely.

[Simon Sinek]

Absolutely. And how dare I selfishly deny the representation of my message? Because people don't follow ideas, they follow people because ideas are abstract and people are real. So we create representations of a set of values. So Martin Luther King is a representation of a set of values, and we follow Martin Luther King, but not really. We really follow the ideals that he stood for, because I stand for those ideals, too. They're my ideals as much as they are his, for example.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

And in that sense, you're a placeholder, if you will, for a whole set of values and aspirations. That's a function that's important to serve.

[Simon Sinek]

Here's another question for you. What's the best thing we can do right now for our happiness?

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Two things. Engage with people and engage in things you care about. So ideally, engage in things you care about with people you care about. That's the sweet spot.

[Simon Sinek]

Bob. What a joy.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Yeah, this was fun.

[Simon Sinek]

What an absolute joy. I leave elated and buzzing.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Me too, actually. This was a pleasure. An unexpected pleasure.

[Simon Sinek]

Thank you so, so much. I truly appreciate it.

[Dr. Robert Waldinger]

Take care.

[Simon Sinek]

If you enjoyed this podcast and would like to hear more, please subscribe wherever you like to listen to podcasts. And if you'd like even more optimism, check out my website, SimonSinek.com for classes, videos and more. Until then, take care of yourself. Take care of care of each other. A Bit of Optimism is a production of the Optimism Company. It's produced and edited by Lindsay Garbinius, David Ja and Devin Johnson. Our executive producers are Henrietta Conrad and Greg Rudershan.