A Year Without Olivia Allen: Her Mom, Sister & Best Friend Share Their Story

Summary

Podcast Summary: "A Year Without Olivia Allen: Her Mom, Sister & Best Friend Share Their Story"

Podcast Information:

• Title: A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast
• Host/Author: Bright Sighted
• Episode: A Year Without Olivia Allen: Her Mom, Sister & Best Friend Share Their Story
• Release Date: February 27, 2025

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of "A Place of YES," host Heather Straughter delves deep into the lives of those profoundly affected by the loss of Olivia Allen. As the podcast approaches the one-year mark since Olivia's passing due to leukemia on March 28, 2024, Heather facilitates an open and heartfelt conversation with Olivia's mother, Melissa Allen, her sister, Sophia Allen, and her best friend, Aubrey. The episode explores the multifaceted nature of grief, the enduring presence of Olivia in their lives, and the transformative power of channeling sorrow into meaningful actions.

Meet the Guests

Melissa Allen (Olivia's Mother): Melissa shares her journey through grief, highlighting the daily struggles and the importance of focusing on what remains, especially her daughter Sophia. She emphasizes the significant role therapy has played in her healing process.

Sophia Allen (Olivia's Sister): Sophia discusses her experience as Olivia's sibling, navigating school, social settings, and the profound sense of loss that permeates her daily life. She touches on feelings of survivor's guilt and the challenge of maintaining composure for both herself and her family.

Aubrey (Olivia's Best Friend): Aubrey opens up about the fluctuating emotions of grief, the memories that both comfort and devastate her, and the role of therapy in managing her feelings. She recounts specific moments that highlight the depth of her connection with Olivia.

Navigating the Grief Journey

Melissa's Perspective: Melissa candidly describes the ebb and flow of her grief, acknowledging "really difficult days" where the weight of loss feels unbearable. She states, "Sometimes you feel like you are the only person feeling these things" (04:17).

Sophia's Experience: Sophia articulates the monotony of coping with daily life while carrying the heavy burden of loss. She shares feelings of inadequacy, saying, "I do go to therapy once a week, and that's kind of my time to let it out" (04:51).

Aubrey's Struggles: Aubrey recounts moments where memories of Olivia overwhelm her, such as crying after seeing a photo on Snapchat that reminded her of Olivia (05:31). She emphasizes the importance of allowing oneself to grieve: "you have to let yourselves feel" (05:31).

The Impact of Losing Someone So Young

Unexpected Loss: All guests express the shock and disbelief of Olivia's passing. Sophia shares, "I can confidently say, like, I did not ever expect that" (06:51), while Aubrey echoes similar sentiments, highlighting the suddenness of the loss despite Olivia's courageous battle with cancer.

Sibling Dynamics: Melissa explores the unique grief experienced by siblings, noting, "losing a sister or a brother... being able to, like, step back and see it from her perspective" (09:02). Sophia adds, "I have had a lot of tough moments... Every time I've seen this specific, like, yellow butterfly" (32:55), symbolizing Olivia's ongoing presence.

Memories and Reminders

Constant Reminders: Sophia and Aubrey discuss how everyday moments trigger memories of Olivia. Sophia mentions struggling with being called "Liv" multiple times a day, which forces her to confront her grief regularly (06:27).

Symbolic Signs: Both Sophia and Aubrey share experiences of seeing symbols like yellow butterflies and rainbows that remind them of Olivia. Aubrey recounts seeing a double rainbow during a significant moment, connecting it to Olivia's memory (33:32).

Coping Mechanisms and Support Systems

Therapy and Open Conversations: All guests highlight the importance of therapy in managing their grief. Melissa emphasizes being more open and honest about her feelings, stating, "I can be vulnerable, I can be weak and it's almost accepting" (14:30). Sophia shares her own struggles with expressing anger, influenced by Olivia's perception of her (15:28).

Support from Friends and Family: Aubrey discusses the invaluable support from close friends who understand her relationship with Olivia, contrasted with distant acquaintances who may not grasp the depth of her loss (13:23).

Channeling Grief into Positive Actions

Live Foundation: Melissa introduces the "Live Foundation," a family initiative aimed at supporting teenagers and siblings who have lost loved ones. Sophia serves as the vice president, and Aubrey is the secretary treasurer. The foundation focuses on creating meaningful memories and providing support for those navigating similar losses.

Acts of Kindness: Sophia describes the meticulous process of creating gift baskets for teenagers at the Melody Center, ensuring that the gifts are meaningful and appreciated (42:12). These acts of kindness serve as a testament to Olivia's enduring spirit and the family's commitment to turning grief into positive change.

Insights and Reflections

Melissa's Reflections: Melissa shares profound insights on the necessity of hope and continuous effort despite ongoing grief. She remarks, "you still have to have hope. You still have to work really hard, and you still have to be a good person" (35:37).

Sophia's Advice: Sophia encourages others to make something positive out of negative experiences, emphasizing the importance of being there for others and striving to make the world a better place despite personal loss (38:28).

Aubrey's Outreach: Aubrey recounts reaching out to someone experiencing loss, sharing her own story to offer support and connection. "I just want to reach out and tell you that... we can always talk about it" (37:22).

Conclusion

The episode culminates in a heartfelt appreciation for the resilience and strength of Melissa, Sophia, and Aubrey. Their stories underscore the human capacity to find light amidst darkness and the profound impact of using grief as a catalyst for positive change. Through the Live Foundation and their ongoing support for one another, they honor Olivia's memory and extend her legacy of compassion and hope to others navigating similar paths.

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Notable Quotes:

• Sophia Allen (00:02): "It's heartbreaking, like, seeing your parents like that... Liv had so many hopes and dreams, and I wish she could achieve them."

• Melissa Allen (04:17): "There are really difficult days and days where I would certainly text Heather and say that I want to curl up in a fetal position and fade away."

• Aubrey (05:31): "I do have guilt because when she was sick senior year... I'd be like, what's wrong? Like, wake up."

• Sophia Allen (15:34): "Yeah, I am. I haven't been as angry as I feel like I could be."

• Melissa Allen (35:37): "You still have to have hope. You still have to work really hard, and you still have to be a good person."

• Sophia Allen (38:28): "If I have to go through this crappy situation, I want people to know that I'm there for them and that I'm trying to make the world a better place."

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Timestamp References:

• [00:02] Sophia's reflections on grief.
• [04:17] Melissa discusses her difficult days.
• [05:31] Aubrey talks about the importance of feeling emotions.
• [06:51] Sophia did not expect Olivia to pass.
• [09:02] Melissa on sibling grief.
• [14:30] Melissa on vulnerability and being strong.
• [15:34] Sophia acknowledges her anger.
• [32:55] Sophia discusses symbolic reminders.
• [35:37] Melissa emphasizes hope and hard work.
• [38:28] Sophia offers advice to listeners.

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This episode serves as a powerful testament to the enduring bonds of love and friendship, illustrating how individuals can transform their grief into acts of kindness and support for others facing similar tragedies.

Transcript

[Sophia Allen]

It's heartbreaking, like, seeing your parents like that. And I don't know if it's like, survivor's guilt because, like, it's not like we got into a car crash together, but being the one who's, like, living almost has, like, a sickening, like, feeling to it because, like, Liv had so many, like, hopes and dreams, and I wish, like, she could achieve them. Seeing my parents, it's just so sad because I know, like, they're struggling and there's nothing like, I can do about it.

[Heather Straughter]

Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Welcome to the show. Hi, I'm Heather Straughter. Welcome to the show. Grief is never a straight path, and losing someone so young changes you forever. Today I sit down with three people who knew and loved Olivia Allen deeply. Her mother, Melissa, her sister Sophia, and her best friend, Aubrey. Olivia lost her battle with leukemia on March 28, 2024. And as we approach the one year mark of her passing, we wanted to have an open, honest conversation about what life has been like without her. Grief doesn't follow a timeline, and it doesn't look the same for everyone. In this episode, Melissa, Sophia, and Aubrey share how they've navigated the last year, the the unexpected challenges of losing someone so young, and the ways Olivia's presence is still felt in their lives. We also talk about how grief affects relationships between a mother and a daughter, between sisters, and between best friends. Whether you've experienced loss yourself or want to better understand what grief really looks like, this conversation is a powerful reminder that love doesn't end when someone is gone.

[Melissa Allen]

I am super excited. Today we are doing something very different. As you can tell by the setup of this, we are having a conversation with a previous guest and a friend of mine, Melissa Allen. And for those of you who've been listening to the show, you know Melissa is Olivia Allen's mom. She was on in the first season and we talked. It was actually one of our most powerful episodes. And I think because the story just touched so many people and Melissa and I've, you know, we kept in touch and we, we share Child Boss and we share what that is. And I've always said you hate when people join this club. It's like the worst club to join, but there's something selfishly comforting when someone you know is in it with you. And Melissa is one of those people for me. We both talked about this for quite a. Quite some time, and Thought it would be just a really great conversation to invite her daughter Sophia, onto the show and also almost like her other daughter, Aubrey. So Aubrey was. And correct me if I'm wrong, but you guys were best friends since you were, like, two or something, right? Or younger. Like, very young.

[Aubrey]

Very young.

[Melissa Allen]

Very young. So we thought it would just be a great conversation to talk about the emotions, the feelings. And a recurring concept sort of in the show is a little bit like, sometimes you lose the same person. Like, you're all here because you lost Liv, but that doesn't mean the way you grieve or the way you feel or the way you think is the same. It's just hard. So we thought we would have, like, that conversation. I would love each of you to sort of just give a little introduction about yourselves and where you sort of are in this sort of. I don't know, we always call it the grief journey, but, like, where you kind of are. And then we can just start talking about the things. So, Melissa, I'll start with you.

So I'm Melissa. I'm Liv's mom. And I have known Heather for quite some time, and we had a podcast. I wanna say it was the end of August and now and where I'm at. I would like to say that if I could say I'm in a better spot, I may be. There are really difficult days and days where I would certainly text Heather and say that I want to curl up in a fetal position and fade away. But I also have spent a lot of time and effort really focusing in on what is present and being mindful, most importantly, of my other daughter, Sophia, and what her needs are. And the therapy route for me has been incredible, powerful. Honestly.

[Sophia Allen]

I'm Olivia's sister, Sophia. I would say, like, where I'm at right now is kind of, like, just going through, like, the motions of, like, life and trying to, like, do my best in school, in social settings, because obviously, like, my friends don't understand the situation. So I do go to therapy once a week, and that's kind of my, like, time to, like, let it out when I'm not there. I just, like, try to, like, keep it together for everyone else almost, and myself, because I think if I was, like, a mess, I wouldn't be able to, like, succeed.

[Aubrey]

I'm Aubrey, one of Liv's best friends since we were little. For me, it's kind of the same. It's, like, good and bad days. And I also go to therapy, which helps a lot. My mom thinks I should go more A lot of it for me is, like, the memories. And, like, sometimes I'll be reminded of Liv. It'll make me really happy. I'll, like, share with my friends, even if they didn't even know Liv. But other times, it could really take a toll on me. When I was at school, it was like, the day before my formal. It was a year before that. I got, like, a memory on Snapchat, and it was like a photo of Liv and I. And I, like, cried until, like, 4:00am I had to go the next morning to Target and get, like, eye patches because my eyes are so swollen. So it's like, keeping it together sometimes and also, like, letting myself let it.

[Melissa Allen]

Go when you need to. Yeah. You do have to let yourselves feel, right? Like, you have to, like, live in those moments. Sometimes you feel alone, right? Like, you feel like you are the only person feeling these things. And while other people can't feel exactly the same things, sometimes they are similar. I think that's that constant struggle of, like, where do we find ourselves, where we can keep it together for ourselves? Let us feel when we want to feel, but then also, how do we pull back? Like, how do we. Or, like, bring ourselves back? One of my guests earlier this season talked about, and I want to talk to you a little bit, Sophia. Selfishly, it's like, front of mind for me. Losing a child is always thought of as, like, the biggest loss, and it's just heartbreaking and it's horrible. And I think so much focus is on us. I honestly didn't think about this from any other perspective until recently. But the sibling perspective, it's gotta be difficult, right? Because you. You really did grow up together. You are. You're close in age. You look similar. Like, do you get called Liv pretty.

[Sophia Allen]

Much, like, all the time? I would have to say one to two times a day. Like, a teacher or a friend is, like, lit. They, like, almost say it and they're like, soph. And then it's awkward because they're awkward. And I'm like, it's really okay.

[Melissa Allen]

So she lost the battle nine months ago. Such a courageous battle. And honestly, I guess this is a question for you guys too. Like, did you think she was gonna lose the battle or did you think she was gonna just beat it?

[Sophia Allen]

I can, like, confidently say, like, I did not, like, ever expect that. Even when I was talking to Aubrey and my mom in the last few days, like, it really didn't hit me. I was like, how could that happen? And when I, like, talk about her, it was Mostly about the fact if she didn't, like, not have hair, you wouldn't see her as the girl with cancer because she never wanted that to be, like, who she was. She was the girl who was doing backflips and laughing and smiling.

[Aubrey]

Yeah. I never thought that she would lose her battle with cancer. Like, even the last month when she was really sick, I had no doubt that she would pass away from cancer. Even when she first got diagnosed, I didn't know all the obstacles she would face, but I still thought, like, oh, she'd be okay in like six months.

[Melissa Allen]

And I think that was really common. And I told. We talked about this the first time, but even Ethan, who was at school and, you know, wasn't necessarily, like, he kind of kept in the loop, like, just, you know, from social media and all the things. But when I had talked to Kelly Height in March and she had called me and we were. Brian and I were away and was like, just, hey, FYI, like, you know, Liv's not doing great. And I was kind of like, oh. Like, I didn't see it coming. And then I remember telling Ethan and he was like, wait, what? She's gonna die? Like, just. It never. It never sunk in. And I. Part of that is who she was and how she fought. But part of that is also, I think, kind of why we wanted to have some of this conversation. Because you don't expect an 18 year old to die. You don't expect an 18. You don't expect your best friend. You expect to still have her. Be. Expect to be home for winter break and hooping it up.

[Aubrey]

Yeah, we were literally texting. I went to Montreal New Year's Eve and I called Melissa afterwards, and it just was weird. I want to do that with Olivia. Yeah, it's different.

[Sophia Allen]

I was talking to this one person about, like, the timing, and I was like, I just never expected her to die. Like, I just didn't think that could ever be, like, a possibility. And like, this person was like, you really didn't, like, think that? Cancer. It's cancer. And I was like, no, like, you thought that. Just, like, it took me back. I was like, I didn't see her like that. And even though she was my older sister, she was like my baby sister. Like, I took care of her and I never thought once she was going to be gone.

[Melissa Allen]

What do you miss most about her? Which is a loaded question, because depending on the moment, it could probably be a million different things.

[Sophia Allen]

Definitely, like, having someone to talk to, because there's like a million people in the world, but you want your sister, like, for advice. I'm, like, always calling my friends, but, like, you just want, like, your sister for, like, boyfriend advice. And sometimes I feel like I'm, like, talking to a wall because I don't know who's going to tell me the right thing. And my sister was pretty good at that.

[Melissa Allen]

Always telling me the right thing.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

There was a guest we had on the show, and she talked about when she. She felt like she lost her childhood. And I thought that was so, like, powerful when she said that. I thought of that for Ethan. And ethan was only 5 when jake died, but it impacted his entire childhood. And I feel like. Does that resonate with you?

[Sophia Allen]

Like, does that, like, a reoccurring theme in therapy? We talk about it all the time. Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Two things that you have brought to my attention. And Chuck and I, we've thought a lot and talked a lot about our loss as parents. He has centered me numerous times to say, we don't know what it's like to lose a sister or a brother, and being able to, like, step back and see it from her perspective. And Sophia and I had a really deep conversation about a month ago, and, boy, it hit me, you know, I not only lost my sister, but I lost my family. Like, I lost, in a way, part of you and dad, you know? And one of the other things she had said is, I'm trying to preserve what I have left. That is what stood stuck with me and my work, also with Kelly, my therapist, because we have this left. And, yeah, I can tell you that there are many, many days that I don't want to get out of bed. And she has shared the hardest thing that you've said to me was, I know that you don't want to get out of bed, and you get out of bed for me. And so knowing that and, like, really trying to show up every day is exhausting. It's overwhelming, just downright painful.

Like, what we were saying before is I was so wrapped up in, like, my loss for so long and, like, not talking about it with. Because the world was also different. Like, when Jake died, Like, there wasn't all the social media and there wasn't the groups and there wasn't podcasts. Like, you know what I mean? It's sort of like I just dealt with it on my own, good, bad, or indifferent. But I do think that sibling piece is huge. And we were talking before about, like, you know, I suspected that people called you Liv often. I wasn't necessarily thinking once or Twice a day. But that, that's a lot. And that's kind of like a weird pressure or weight. I don't know what the right word is.

[Sophia Allen]

A lot of people wouldn't know this song, but there's this song that just came out. The lyrics are like, do I look like him? And it almost to me like, I like basically my sister's twin. My face ID works on her phone.

[Melissa Allen]

Oh, really?

[Sophia Allen]

Her face ID works on me.

[Melissa Allen]

Do you still like, check her phone.

[Sophia Allen]

Like you have it? Yeah, I do. Yeah. I feel like part of me is like people see that, that I'm her kind of in a way, like they see her in me. I guess so.

[Melissa Allen]

Aubrey, I think it connects with you too though, this idea of like the loss. Do you feel like you've lost your childhood too? Like, because, I mean, I just know from like pictures and thoughts, right? Like you guys were together all the time and.

[Aubrey]

Yeah, it does feel like that. And it still like feel. Feels like that going forward because I know I'm 19 now, but like I still feel like this is my childhood. These are the years I still would be with Liv. I feel like I'm missing like a part of it. Cuz like she's gone. Even going forward now, like every time I'm home for winter break in summer, like, it just doesn't like feel the same.

[Melissa Allen]

You had plans just like we had like future. We always thought about the future. You and Liv had wanted to create a business together. Alan and I, they were going to build houses together. And one of the things that Aubrey texted me the other night and I actually, I felt it. I. I feel it when you're around certain people, it's almost like you still, like you still have it. When I'm. When I'm near you, I feel like I have a little piece of live. And that. That spoke to me. And the other piece is you saying how we're living it every day. But when you separate yourself and you come back to it and. And it hits you that hard that you are one of the most important people in your life are not here. Like you relive it and.

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

And no one else feels the same way. And I. And I'm not going to speak on your behalf, but I would say that both of you in different situations feel angry.

[Aubrey]

Yeah, I would say I feel angry a lot.

[Melissa Allen]

I want to ask you though, Aubrey, like, what's it like being at school with people who don't know her?

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Like, is that hard?

[Aubrey]

It definitely is hard. I'm really Thankful and grateful for that. Olivia got to visit me a few times.

[Sophia Allen]

Okay.

[Melissa Allen]

Okay.

[Aubrey]

So my friends did know who she was, my close friends. And, like, part of me is, like, really thankful for that because they kind of, like, know who she is. Even after, like, when we have died, people still didn't fully understand, like, to the extent we were friends. Like, oh, someone in your high school died. But, like, they didn't really know, some people, how much that affected me. And a lot of people that were higher up than me, like, watched over me. Coaches, like, a lot of people, they kind of, like, didn't really understand that at first, which I struggled with because, like, I didn't want to, like, just explain to people.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah.

[Aubrey]

But, like, I obviously had to, because they wouldn't understand my friends, like, when I am at school because they're able to, like, meet her. And now they do know the level that we were so close with. I'm really, like, thankful that they understand a little part of it because, like, I remember when I went home when Liv was really sick, I remember I came home and they, like, folded my laundry for me, and, like, they made me a little basket, and, like, I have flowers on my desk for my friends. Those little things, like, I was so grateful for. Separating school from here is hard.

[Melissa Allen]

Do you feel like you have, like, two lives?

[Aubrey]

Kind of, yeah. Because when I come home, it's just, like, everything reminds me. Like, things in my room, things in my kitchen, people, my basement.

[Melissa Allen]

I don't know if we should go towards, like, because I want to touch on that, like, anger piece, but I also want to touch on the memories piece, because I feel like, what you just said, memories are hard sometimes. Right. Like, and I think you both kind of touched on it a little bit. Like, sometimes the memories make you super happy, and sometimes they can just, like, rip you apart. How do you balance that?

[Sophia Allen]

Oh, I don't think I'm, like, great at balancing it yet.

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Sophia Allen]

Because I, like, definitely struggle with, like, the memories part. Like, in therapy, they call it, like, secondary losses. So, like, in the future, too, but also in the past, like, mom, you can, like, touch on the secondary losses, too, but weddings.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah.

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

All the things you've.

[Sophia Allen]

So it's almost like these good memories I have, I'm, like, almost, like, thinking of them in a bad way, essentially, because I'm like, I don't have them anymore. I don't know. Driving to school every morning and getting Dunkin and Starbucks, that was such a good memory. And so every time I drive to Starbucks, I'm like, ugh. It's hard to, like, enjoy the good memories right now because I'm just like.

[Melissa Allen]

You'Re missing them too much.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

And that, I mean, that ties right into the anger piece. Right? Like, you're probably mad about it.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, I am. I haven't been, like, as angry as I feel like I could be. And I think that's because my sister used to tell me I have anger issues. I have tried to keep my cool, trying to stay away from that anger piece a little bit because I don't want to prove her right.

[Melissa Allen]

Do you hear a, like, voice in your head?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

One of your many strengths is compartmentalizing.

Right.

And recognizing that, yes, I can feel this way. But I also, at the same time, we've talked about it. Like, you have grief and joy at the same time. Like, how do we exist in this. This world that I'm forced to go, like, get up and go to school every day? She didn't have that opportunity. You can talk a little bit about this, to stop and just let it in. So she quickly had, from day one of diagnosis to day to now to adjust to that. I have to work in this way of being able to function, but also being mindful that these feelings do exist and at some point I have to attend to them.

[Sophia Allen]

I wouldn't say, like, this is, like, what you should do when it comes to, like, coping, but when Liv passed away, that was, like, one of my big moments where I was like, this is probably not good for my, like, grief journey, but I had an Italy trip planned with, like, my school. We had a day in between. Liv passed away on Thursday, and I had to be on that flight on Friday. And I saw, like, the way my mom was acting, and it just, like, broke my heart. And I was like, I have to get on that plane. Like, I have to, like, escape because of that. I haven't learned to sit with my feelings. She passed away right before break. That idea of sitting there and thinking about, like, my dead sister for two.

[Melissa Allen]

Weeks and watching your parents deal with their dead child. Yeah. I mean, not the same, but sort of the same. So. So Jake died on a Wednesday. We walked Ethan to Lake Avenue school Thursday morning, and he went to kindergarten because I didn't know what to do with him. And I didn't think a 5 year old should be seeing the mess that we were. And it's still sometimes I'm like, was that the right decision? Was it not the right decision? He was kind of like, my brother died, and now I'M at school. Like, I mean, it was. But you don't know what to do. And I would say that it was the right thing for you to do. Right. Like, you make the best decisions you can with the information and ability you have at that time. And in a weird way, because I remember we talked through some of that, and it was sort of helpful for you, I think, Right? Because we could really be ugly. Yeah, like, because it is ugly, you know? And that's all I could think about, was that I didn't want my son to see me. Like, I don't want Ethan to see his mom in that really raw, like, days after that. I, like, I can still picture them like they were yesterday. They were horrible. In a weird way, you did your parents a gift, you know, also by, like. Like, self preservation for you, but also for them, because it's just ugly.

[Sophia Allen]

That's, like, definitely, like, the hardest thing I have to say. Like, it's heartbreaking, like, seeing your parents like that. And I don't know if it's, like, survivor's guilt because, like, it's not like we got into a car crash together, but being the one who's, like, living almost has, like, a sickening, like, feeling to it because, like, Liv had so many, like, hopes and dreams, and I wish, like, she could achieve them. Seeing my parents, it's just so sad because I know, like, they're struggling and there's nothing, like, I can do about it.

[Melissa Allen]

Do people ask you a lot, like, how's your mom doing? Like, do they put that on you sometimes?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah. It's like, even when Liv was diagnosed, I. I was angry. Then I would say more angry. It was always about, like, my sister and my mom at school every day, multiple times a day. And I, like, could not deal with it. I was like, what about, like, you see me, I'm here in a Regents exam, like, two weeks after my sister, like, got diagnosed with cancer. And I'm like, I'm not okay, too. Every time I see someone, it's never, how are you doing? Maybe a few times if people are, like, there. But how's your mom doing? She okay? Even if I'm, like, sitting with someone at dinner who's, like, trying to hang out with me, how's your mom doing?

[Melissa Allen]

I think what you're saying and what you are, like, what you're talking about is so real. And I think people have good intentions, but they don't do the right thing sometimes. Right? You know, And I had a guest, and that was her whole thing. She Wrote a book about like always a siblings. The name of the book. And I don't have that.

[Sophia Allen]

Do you have it?

[Melissa Allen]

Okay, so yeah, she was a guest on the show. She talked about that kind of thing all the time about there is no space. Like when her brother died, she was struggling and she didn't know what to do. So she went to like the bookstore and went to the grief section and there was child loss and parent loss and everything, like dealing with suicide, like all of these things. But there wasn't one book for what to do when you're sibling died.

[Sophia Allen]

I don't think anyone wants to talk about it. Especially like online. You just don't really.

[Melissa Allen]

It just doesn't. And that's why she wrote her book was because she was like, it doesn't. It didn't exist. So I have to write it.

[Sophia Allen]

I'm assuming the reason people don't ask me like how I'm doing is because it's like scary and uncomfortable. Like I think they might be scared. I might like break down in tears or something. But people on the outside could definitely like do better in those like situations because I can say for myself, like, I like talking about my sister. Like, I don't want to like keep her away. I like talking about my feelings because if I don't, I'm crying in my car probably.

[Melissa Allen]

I think a lot about the sibling and the friendship piece now more than ever. And being that I've been an employee in a school district working with a lot of youth over the years and they are the forgotten piece. And honestly, even fathers are 100%. We were out to dinner when we were in Florida and it was all well intended. But you know, Chuck is supposed to be very strong and I can be vulnerable, I can be weak and it's almost accepting. And I think we do have to do a better job to acknowledge that. There was this amazing connection with her best friends and she had an amazing relationship with her sister. And Sophia's feelings still exist. And I think that's the biggest piece about counseling that's been helpful and you can probably add to this is that you do matter in this, this unit of four, now three. And your feelings need to be shared and a big piece of not pushing it down. And we're working through that on that.

Same topic, sort of. Aubrey, do you feel like, especially when you're at school, do people check in on you or do you feel like it's just.

[Aubrey]

My close friends do check in on me sometimes. Some of like my distant friends, like my Teammates who necessarily. I'm not that close with. I think maybe it could be more just, like, an uncomfortable thing or they're like. They're more like, asking about, like, who she was, what happened. Like I said, like, people don't really understand, like, the relationship had. And they always just want to know, like, her story. Like, she's 18 years old and she died of cancer. Like, if you look at her, she's beautiful, athletic, gorgeous. Like, she just looks like.

[Melissa Allen]

Doesn't make sense.

[Aubrey]

It doesn't make sense. And people more want to hear about that because sometimes I like talking about her, so it makes me happy.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah.

The challenge for you, though, is just to see how everyone is moving on. And for Aubrey and Sophia in particular, we. We talk about this a lot, is they're not, you know, they're. They're trying to evolve and grow it. And it hurts you and you more so than. Than Sophia.

Like, that idea that, like, life goes on.

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

I mean, that's hard, right?

Yeah.

[Aubrey]

That's what I get, like, angry at.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah.

[Aubrey]

Whenever Thanksgiving was, we were driving to Vermont, and I got into, like, a screaming fight. Not screaming, but fight with my mom and dad. And it was the five of us in the car. My mom let me sit in the front because I was sad. And I like yelling at them. And I was just saying, like, I hate it. Like, I hate being home. Like, my family, like, they obviously all, like, live was like their fourth child too. My mom sometimes is scared to, like, ask me if I'm okay and stuff, I think. And then I got, like, angry because she wasn't asking me, or they, like, they weren't doing anything or weren't mentioning it. And so I got mad at them for, like, not saying anything. And the whole hour, car, it was me, like, yelling about that.

[Melissa Allen]

I so get it. Right. Like, you want people to ask because you want to talk about it. And sometimes it's hard to talk about it. It does suck because life goes on, and your life is gonna go on, and you're gonna do all the things that you're gonna set out to do, and it's like it just stops. And I have always lived in this fear that, like, I can't let that happen. Right. Like, you can't let that happen. So you have to find the way of, like, keep talking, like, saying, you know, you wanna keep that memory alive. And there's nothing scarier to me than the idea of someone, like, not knowing.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

You know, it's such a heartbreaking feeling. You kind of touched on it that, like, secondary losses and all the things that she should be a part of that she's not. Sometimes time makes that easier, but sometimes it doesn't.

[Sophia Allen]

One thing that will definitely hit me, obviously, like, Liv wasn't able to graduate because of her stroke. But I think, like, when I walk across the stage, I think that will be, like, a hard moment for me.

[Melissa Allen]

I just think so much about senior year. And we've talked about this, like, it was like your senior year in high school. Right. Like, the one part like that summer and that I just think of the loss that, like, you had as a friend, you know, different than the loss of, like, a family member at such a pivotal age. At such an age where, like, you know, everyone's like, you graduated high school, the world's your oyster, you're going to college. The best years, like, does that just. What is that? Is it anger? Is it sad? Is it all of the above?

[Aubrey]

Is it just Definitely all of the above. That summer going into my freshman year was, like, the worst summer. Like, I hated that summer. Remember when Liv wasn't at graduation because of the stroke, like, her name's first in the Alphabet and, like, some people stood up and I remember being so angry that, like, everyone wasn't standing up. Made me so mad. I don't know. Like, that summer, it just, like, sucked because Olivia wasn't there for any of it. And, like, people at school now, like, my college friends will be like, oh, my God, like, I miss summer. Going to my freshman year, that was the best summer of my life. And I just can't relate to them.

[Melissa Allen]

And they were planning on going to Costa Rica for their senior trip. You went and.

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Was that hard?

[Aubrey]

Yeah. I just knew was going to be so sad. Not there.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah. I can say, like, the vacation part of it, like, even I felt guilty, like, going on vacations because, like, I knew my sister was, like, at home or at the hospital. It's not a great feeling, but she.

[Melissa Allen]

Would want you both to enjoy. Anyone to enjoy.

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

You're not at a year yet, are you guys? What do you.

March 28th will be a year.

[Aubrey]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

I always struggled with this because Right. Like a year ago, you can remember, like, she was still alive. So you can say, like, a year ago, blah, blah, blah, like, we did this or we did that. And then once you hit that one year mark, those go away.

[Sophia Allen]

I love Christmas. And selfishly, like, I wanted Christmas to be, like, the best thing ever, as every, like, 16 year old would say. It didn't hit me as Hard as the New year did. I was like, it's a new year. This is a year my sister has not lived in. And that hit me really, really hard. So I do think about, oh, a year ago today. Liv and I were laughing. I saw this video on Snapchat. She didn't have her wig on, and she was just laughing like crazy. And I was like, ugh. Nothing hits me more than the fact that it's 2025 and, like, my sister's not here.

[Melissa Allen]

Those are the things, right? Like, I had a car that Jake was in, right? Like, I used to drive a Volvo. And when we got rid of the Volvo and I got my Jeep, I totally broke down. Like, I was like. I flipped out. Like, kind of. I screamed at Brian. I. I can't believe you got me this car. I don't want this car. Like, Jake's never been in this car. Like, what are you talking about? It's like, those moments, and you never kind of. Like. I think that we are conditioned to think about, like, the birthdays and the. The anniversaries and the Christmas and stuff, but you don't always know when these other moments are gonna come up. And that's interesting, right? Like, it's like, she's never been in 2025. That sucks.

[Sophia Allen]

A lot of people don't talk about it.

[Melissa Allen]

I found the last few times, for us, it's been not the actual, like, the event leading up. Cause you're focused on trying to keep it together, and then you keep it together. And then the next day and the following few days, it is an absolute mess. And that's what I've noticed in the last couple of times that we've had longer breaks for Sophia and myself is you put this face on and then you crash. And I wasn't anticipating that.

[Aubrey]

I feel like that, too, because I think a lot of people will always reach out to you when it's like, I don't know what you guys, but, like, when it's Liz's birthday, when it's nine months since she died, when it's Christmas, I get sad those days. But, like, I just get sad, random days, and people don't understand that. I think for a lot of people, they are really sad on the big days, but people don't understand that you're just sad on normal, random days.

[Melissa Allen]

I wake up thinking about it, and I go to bed thinking about it. It's. It's all consuming. And as a mom, the toll that it takes on me every single day is it's just so intense and so painful. And I can only imagine Sophia feeling and Aubrey feeling the same way, but not having an outlet. Which is why I think even just having this conversation and hearing what you guys have to say is important.

I wanna ask you, Aubrey, Cause you had mentioned like talk about like the business or the houses or the plan.

[Aubrey]

We had crazy dreams. We wanted a house in Columbia. I don't even know why. Then we wanted to be the best rock climbers in the world and have a house when they were older with a shared rock climbing wall. I'll do business law. And she's going to do. What did you want to do? Like criminal law. She want to do criminal law. And then we're going to have a law firm together, like Ona's law firm or something. We just had a lot of crazy dreams and we definitely pushed each other. I'm a very outgoing person and show is so is she. But like she made me do even more things. Like she would always say yes.

[Melissa Allen]

One of the things that she would say about you is that you also brought out a different side of her too. You guys were just funny. If you saw Liv, you saw Aubrey, and if you saw Aubrey, you knew Liv was trailing behind. I struggle a lot with Sophia and Aubrey in particular because of all of the plans that they had. And I'm so grateful for Aubrey and her family because Sophia has a piece of that still in a way. And it is extension. It's different obviously. And she would love to have her sister, but this allows her to have some sort of connection, like continuing bond, if you will, or that is hard to come by. So Liv wanted to have a sleepover at the hospital. The last month was tough. I knew Cindy knew without really coming out and saying. And Aubrey did not know.

[Aubrey]

No, I don't.

[Melissa Allen]

And we had a sleepover. And just how patient and like, like attentive. Like Liv was so tired and I know you were just so good and how important that made her feel in that moment. It was just so heartfelt and amazing.

And that was right before. And you didn't like, you wouldn't have.

[Aubrey]

Because I would text her and Liv's not the best texter in the world, but I remember she like just texted me something about how she wasn't feeling good. That's like kind of it. It was just like a rough patch.

[Melissa Allen]

And she wouldn't really say that too much.

[Aubrey]

She would never say that. She was like, oh, it's hard, but fine, I'm getting through it. I'll be good in a Week. And she believed it. And it did happen a lot. She did get better.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah. Which is sort of why you always kind of just assumed she would continue to.

[Sophia Allen]

It almost makes me wish she was, like, a little bit more, like, vulnerable. Because I felt like the last month that she was alive. You didn't think anything of it? I didn't think anything of it. If I knew what was going to happen, I think I would have probably visited a little bit more. The hospital was 50 minutes away, and I was juggling school and sports, and it was really hard to go and the hospital if, you know, it's not fun to be in for, like, my own sake, I just had to stop going because it was so, like, emotionally draining. But I think, like, if we're talking about emotions, like, I have a lot of guilt about that because I was so clueless. I mean, even up until the last days, I just think about how I wasn't there. And, like, that sleepover that you're talking about, like, I didn't think any. Anything of that.

[Melissa Allen]

But even when you. Even when you know you did everything you should, you still can have that feeling, right? Like, what should I have done? Or could I have done? Or. Those are. Those are hard, real feelings. Like, I mean, I know I have them. You probably have them, too.

[Aubrey]

Like, I feel like sometimes I have guilt because when she was sick senior year and she didn't know she had cancer, we had extended lunch, and we'd always go to my house and watch a movie. Maybe it's not even middle of it. It's like 11:30, so I kind of only woke up, like, three hours ago. And she'd be asleep on the couch. And it's just so unlike Olivia. I would always say to her, like, what's wrong? Like, wake up. Wake up. Like, have things to do. It was our prom, and Olivia fell asleep on the couch at the party. She was asleep on the couch. Like, that's my first moment. I was like, is this here? And I remember I told my mom and I was talking with our other friends. I was like, guys, what? Like, why is she so was that.

[Melissa Allen]

That was right before. That was May, right?

So right before.

[Aubrey]

And it's like, oh, maybe because she doesn't have a boy there. Like, she's just bored. Like, there's no boy to talk to.

[Melissa Allen]

You're like.

But no.

Yeah.

[Aubrey]

I'm like, I don't know. And I guess I have guilt. Cause I would always just say to her, like, come on, let's go do this.

[Melissa Allen]

Let's Almost like you get annoyed by it or something.

[Aubrey]

And she'd always be like, I'm so tired. Like, I want to sleep. And I'd be like, we have plans, Olivia. And she'd be the one that would be dragging me there, like, before.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, I could say the same thing. I was like, what the heck are you doing? Like, get up. It's your senior year. Like, why are you here?

[Melissa Allen]

It's like you said. You just react to that moment, but you don't see it, you know? And you can't have done anything different because you didn't know any different. Right. Doesn't always make it easier, but it. That's true. For me. It's really important that I feel like. I feel like Jake is around, right. Like, even all these years, Like, I feel like I talk about him. Like, in the beginning, I would always see this, like, cardinal, like, no matter where I was. And then I came home one day and I was like, I'm being stalked by, like, a cardinal. This is crazy. And then I was kind of like, well, hey, maybe it's Jake. Like, it kind of just made me feel better. Do you guys see her as anything?

[Sophia Allen]

I have had, like, a lot of, like, tough moments, and every time I've, like, seen this specific, like, yellow butterfly. I don't know, it's like, everywhere.

[Aubrey]

I actually saw a yellow butterfly, too. And I've seen it a few times, actually. When I was just in Mexico three days ago, I saw a yellow butterfly. And right before that, I was talking to my mom about Olivia. I was like, mom, if Olivia was here, would she be here with us? I was like, of course she would. And then I saw that butterfly. Rainbows, because. And the sunset. The day that she died. I don't know what was going in my mind, but I went to fellow hockey practice that night. And that sunset that night was so beautiful.

[Sophia Allen]

I remember that flower. Yeah.

[Aubrey]

I think rainbows. Because I had, like, a spring game, and my whole freshman year, I scored once. Like, I'm not a big scorer, even though I'm a forward. I worked really hard in the spring season because that, like, distracted me from Olivia. And then that game, I scored two goals, and then there was a double rainbow. And it, like, made me think of Olivia.

[Sophia Allen]

So I think this was around the same time. I don't know if it was the same day. Correct me if I'm wrong, Mom, but we were driving to a field hockey tournament. We saw the double rainbow. When we walked out of the same place.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah.

And numerous people started, like, capturing the photos from different locations and sending it. It was like, this was live. Like, live.

[Aubrey]

Wasn't someone, like, in the Caribbean, there's a double rainbow or something like that?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

One of the things that I would like Sophia to talk about, and we've talked about not being, like, super religious, but, like, having, I guess, faith or whatever, and Sophia had really inspired me. It was, what, about six weeks ago, she texted me and she said, I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna go to the church. And she went to light a candle, and she's gone now a number of times. And what I learned over the holiday break was not only was she lighting a candle, but she was allowing herself, I guess, the moment to let it out. And I. I'm so grateful that she did that.

[Sophia Allen]

It was so weird. I went past the church, and it was like something was, like, pulling me there. I was like, I have to turn around. I'm very anxious, so I'm like. Like, if I don't turn around, like, I'm gonna die or something. Like, I went in there, and there's, like, one other person, and I was just like, I do not cry a lot. I'm sure, like, people who don't even really know her have cried more than I have over her. And I just, like, let it out, and I just could not stop. And, like, ever since, I. I've gone back multiple times. I've talked to a few people. I haven't even told you this mom, but my friend's mom sees. What is it called? The thing that tells you, like, the signs.

[Melissa Allen]

Medium.

[Sophia Allen]

I've been thinking about going, but when it was, like, first suggested to me in the summer, I was like, I don't want to know. Like, that I'm not ready for it. But I think that's, like, something I definitely want to see.

[Melissa Allen]

One of the things that people take away from even our new foundation and the lives that she has touched while she was here is that you still have to have hope. Like, you still have to work really hard, and you still have to be a good person. And even though difficult things happen, you.

Have to work with it.

And I recently said to Sophia, like, this is going to be one of the hardest things you've ever had to face, but it's not going to be the only thing. What I have seen you be able to do through this journey is come not necessarily fully out the other side yet, and we have a long way to go. But to see herself through this and know that she can, without her sister, achieve all of Those things we had a lot of conversation about what does family look like? And redefining, like, our friendships and things like that. And I think a lot about how she has grown. And I feel like I'm talking, like, you're right here. You have grown into such a mature and wise, intuitive person as a result, and I think that's such a positive outcome. Her experience is going to make her an even better individual.

I couldn't agree more. And I would say it for both of you, like, right, like, these. These horrible things happen. It's not living a life, wishing it didn't happen. It's taking it and turning it into something. And you guys are going out in the world and you are bringing her spirit and you are learning from it, and you are being kinder, more compassionate people. And not that you weren't kind and compassionate to start, but it impacts you, and it's something that you guys will always have close to your heart. You wish you didn't have it. You know, I always say I wish Jake was still here and I was not. As an enlightened of a person. You guys will go through your lives with. With her beside you and with this.

[Aubrey]

I feel like at school, someone. Quezo. Lives lost. I don't fully understand yet, but, like, I understand what it's like to lose somebody. I was in Europe with my friends, and I saw on social media this kid. I had no idea he's on lacrosse team at Lehigh, and he was posting about someone who died, like, one of his really close, like, best friends. I've literally never met the kid. And I slid up at the table, like, typing this long message to him saying, like, hi. You know, this might sound weird, blah, blah, blah. I'm Aubrey. My best friend, like, just passed away five months ago. I just want to reach out and tell you that, like, if you ever need someone to talk to, like, I understand, and, like, I'm still going through what it feels like to lose somebody, but we can always talk about it. And he, like, responded back and was like, you have no idea, like, how much this means to me. Like, I didn't think that people would care this much.

[Melissa Allen]

I mean, I think that's exactly it. That's the perfect story for what we just said. And before, you probably wouldn't even have thought twice about it. You'd just be like, oh, this is so sad. Poor kid. Or, like, whatever.

Yeah, I know it's only been nine months, but if you could offer any words to others listening to us today, like, what would it be? What would you want them to take away from your experience?

[Sophia Allen]

I would say, like, the first thing is taking something like good out of a terrible situation. Like the Live, like, Live foundation, what we did with the kids at the hospital, the Christmas gifts for everyone at the Melody Center. Like, there's two options. You can, like, rot in bed and be sad and angry, or you can make good out of a terrible situation. And I think all of us have chose the second option. I think about my future all the time. My friends say it too. They're like, you're so inspiring. And it's like, if I have to go through this crappy situation, like, I want people to know that I'm there for them and that I'm trying to make the world a better place.

[Aubrey]

Yeah, I would agree. Make something positive out of a negative. Like, know that grief obviously isn't linear, but having your people leaning on them and having them lean on you will help you get through it.

[Melissa Allen]

I've been trying to be a little bit more open with being honest, because I do. I will show up and I will get the job done. But I'm crumbling inside. And you do have to acknowledge that. And if you don't. And this is, I would say, one of the things that I've learned through therapy and seeing you. You go through therapy, it's, you know, the more you push it down, right, the more. The harder it is going to be for your future self. And for me as your mom, what I've said to you is, I'm more worried about your future self.

Right.

And being a functional adult, emotionally, physically, socially. And so how do we do that? And I think you both are doing that, being agreeable to, even counseling and sitting here and having it.

Oh, I think the fact that you come here and have this conversation, I think, is remarkable.

We started the Live, like, Live Foundation. Sophia is my vice president. Aubrey is the secretary treasurer or something. We haven't decided yet. I mean, on paper, it is. There was very few teenagers in the hospital, and a lot of efforts and attention are placed on the young kids and trying to make it as joyful and positive, if you will, in that environment. And when Liv was feeling well, our intent was together as a family, as a group, to create some sort of foundation to give back. We really wanted to target the teenagers, but also after the loss is what happens to the siblings, like, what's left? We recognized now that there needs to be attention placed on what's left. You know, there's a lot of talk, like, while you're in that cancer journey of making the best moments, sometimes you're lucky enough to have those moments, but in a lot of cases, you. You're not. This is left. And so that's our mission, is to try to offer opportunities for siblings to create memories, but also at the same time, recognize that this loss does exist. And, you know, how can we help them in that way? To see a smile on your child's face, not being able to get out of the bed. Like, people have no idea the difference that that made for her and for me as a parent sitting next to her in the hospital. That's what we're doing. We've already done a few things. You can share.

[Sophia Allen]

Like, I mentioned it earlier, but the gifts for the kids at the Melody Center, I spent hours and hours shopping, which I didn't mind. I made these, like, gift baskets for the teenagers specifically. Everyone got gifts, but for the older girls, they got this, like, really cute aesthetic bag that I wanted a bunch of makeup, and it was, like, expensive makeup and. And, like, I don't want to talk about money, but, like, sometimes you're handed a lot of things during, like, this cancer journey that they sit in the. Your, like, storage room. But I, like, I didn't want, like.

[Melissa Allen]

A T shirt you'll never wear.

[Sophia Allen]

Like, yeah, exactly. I didn't want that for them. I wanted, like, that they would want, I would want. Like, that excited them. So I spent, like, a lot of time thinking about what they would appreciate. And I think we can all say, like, those girls were really happy. On top of that, we did, like, get gifts for all the siblings that, like, we knew of, that we were told about. There was a whole family that got gifts.

[Melissa Allen]

And thank you for being here. Like, thank you for opening up. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for bringing them. Thank you for coming back, and I'd love to have you back anytime. Like, I think you guys are really offering to whoever listens, like, a real. A real service.

[Aubrey]

Thank you for having us. I enjoy it. I think it's helpful to talk about it.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Heather Straughter]

Thank you for listening to A Place of Yes. Please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend. It would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell. Thank you so much for watching.