← A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast 
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Heather Straughter
Welcome to A Place of Yes. I'm Heather Straughter. As many of you know, we have a segment each week called Ask Heather Anything. They have been so fun. Some people have taken them very seriously and we've had really deep conversations. Some have been very silly. This is a montage of some of our favorites. I hope you enjoy them. Thank you for listening. Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Welcome to the show. I have been sitting here in sheer terror over the next portion of the show because we have reached the part where it's called Ask Heather Anything. And I am terrified of what you're going to come up with. So I want to know. And you have to be honest about this. When no one's around and you're not working, you might be at the beach on vacation or just at home by the pool. What kind of cocktail do you make? Oh, I don't know. I drink anything with anybody. There you go. Anything. Anything with anybody. I would say that I like, I would never order in front of someone. Like a Sex on the beach or a Long Island Iced Tea or any of those. Like, I don't do any of those. Like, overly, like fruity mixed drinks. Like alone, I'd probably drink. How do you feel about tequila? Oh, I drink tequila. A lot of it. I love it. Like, it's my go to. It's the one alcohol that gives you an entirely different feeling than all other alcohols. I have my ask Heather anything questions. You actually have one. I have two. You have two. Where's your favorite place to vacation? Because the straws know how to vacation. We do vacation pretty well. That's a very hard one because that depends on, like my mindset. Right? Yeah. My go to answer, I think for many years, although it is not anymore, would be like the Rock House. Been going to the rock house for 20 years. And where is that? In Negril, Jamaica? Yes. It's just chill. It's not like one of those all inclusive resorts. Because I'm like, not. That's not my vibe. It's just super low key. Like you just, you know, there's a spa and there's great food and you jump off the cliffs and you drink rum punch and you know, various things all day. And do you feel close to Jake there? I do feel close to Jake there. The majority of people are people like Brian and I who've been going for 20, 25 years. And it was like Our vibe when we were young. Now it's, like, still. So it's got this. It's really just a bunch of people who, like, the low key thing. How did you explain death to Ethan in a way that he could understand it since he was so young? I wish that I had a good answer for that. I don't know that we did that. And it's a little bit. The way that we parent and the way that we've always parented since Jake got sick is just very authentically. Like, I live my life and I am who I am, and I've always been that in front of my kids, Right. Like, I've never been the, like, you know, oh, I have to act this way in front of my kid. Right? And I think that in those moments, you know, I mean, I've talked about it on this podcast before, like, that. And I think, you know, this, like, Jake died on a Wednesday and Thursday. We brought Ethan to school. It was the best decision we could make at that time. Right. You know, the one thing I do think that we did do, right, is we just made Jake present, right? Like, we, you know, cheers to Jake. Like, that's a thing. Like, we did it at the launch party. We used to have the party. Like, the cheers to Jake cocktail parties. It was a way that we kind of kept him present, kept him around the dinner table, you know, and whether we were cheersing with water or with wine or it didn't matter. Like, a cheers was a cheers to Jake. We've always kept Jake at a seat at the table. And I think for Ethan, that has helped a little bit. Yeah. So you got a chance here to ask me anything. Oh, God, I don't know. Pressure, I guess. The thing that I've always wondered is, like. And actually we've talked about this. Do you feel like Ethan being at college is such, like, a bittersweet thing? Oh, I feel like when he went to college, it was, like, the hardest thing, second to losing Jake. But I will say now, this summer, and having spent since, like, May with him and seeing the human that he is, I am, like, so filled with, like, joy and pride. And last summer was about. And him going to college was about me, like, missing, like, missing the little boy. And, like, how did this go so fast? And the whole, like, days are long, but the years are short. Like, that whole nonsense. This year is about embracing what it is to have a young adult as a child and as, like, a friend and as, like, a cool kid to hang out with and, like, you know, for some of it, it's like having drinks with him. And for some of it, it's just eating. He likes family vacations. Again, it's less bittersweet because I'm just so happy with how this summer has been and I'm so excited for his future. Do you have any. Ask Heather anything. They can be any kind you want. They do not have to be serious. If you were to go back to the funeral experience for Jake, would you change anything? That's an excellent question. I don't think so. Kind of like how I said earlier, I think that Roland guided us in such a way that it was exactly what we needed. We didn't have to do anything, right? Like, you know, there was. There was one part where there were certain family members. Like, and this is when we were at the. At the graveside and we were. He was taking Jake out of the hearse and bringing him over to. To be buried. We had some family members who were like, okay, this is who's going to do it? And it's just the men. And I was like, no, I. I am carrying my son. Brian kind of handled it, but. But Roland also, you know, there was nothing that. I'm trying to think with the word. Like, nothing flustered him, right? Like, he could just handle anything. And it's kind of like when you talk about being a bouncer, so. So I don't. I. And there's nothing that I would do different other than the obvious that I wish I never had to do it at all. I wish I didn't have this experience to share, right? Like, I wish. I wish I didn't know the importance of this job. But since I do, I am. I don't think I would change anything. And that means a lot. So do either of you have any. Ask Heather anything questions? Do you think about Jake every day? That's a great one. I do think about Jake every day. And I have this. I don't know if it's irrational or what it is this, like, compulsive fear that the day will come when I don't. I get very scared of that. Right. And there have been moments when, like in the beginning, when he passed, I was like, very structured. Like, you know, I would. Before Ethan went to school, we would go see Jake in the morning. I drop him off at school before we. Like, when we'd be home from whatever activity he had, whether it was Taekwondo or whatever, we would swing by and say goodnight to Jake. And we did it. Like, I saw him twice a day at least. For years. And as time passed, you know, and Ethan got older and life sort of changes, and frankly, life goes on. I didn't go every day. Maybe it'd be once a day. And. And I struggle with that sometimes. Like, I just. I brought him a huge thing of flowers the other day because it had been, like, six or seven days since I'd been there, and the flowers were dead, and I just, like. I kind of beat myself up over it. But I do. I do make a point of thinking of him every day and of. Not every day, but most days, like, talking to him. And I do this thing where I kind of talk out loud to him. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm scared of your question, though. All right, so you're saying how you want to come to camp. Yes. And there's volunteers who can volunteer a week in the summer, so you're probably running, like, once, putting me on the spot with the cabin. Would you want to be with the age group and, like, the young boys that Jake would have been. Oh, that's a good question. Or would you want to be something completely different or. Because I can. Neither. The cabin's in the age ranges. But what would you want to be with. That's an excellent question. And to be honest, I have no idea. There's part of me that would want to be, like, kind of what Jake would have been like. I'd want to probably be, like, ventilator week, and you know what I mean? Because that world. I know. Like, I know that world. The age ranges, it's. It's funny. Like, I. You know, so it was Ethan and Jake. So I know boys, right. Like, I like being boy mom. Like, it's your boy mom. Yeah, Boy mom's good. So it's the portion of the show, Daniel, where if you have any questions, you can ask Heather, anything. I would like to know. Was there a time you were misunderstood and very surprised? Like, how could I have. How could you have not known what I'm saying or dealing with or what was so obvious to you that was not obvious to your friend or family member or whatever? I feel like my head's going, like, in many different directions. One of the things that was so clear to me in Jake's life, right. Was that I was going to create this life to the best of our ability, in which we would have. And I don't want to say normal, but I think for a while, I wanted us just to be a normal family. With us a kid, if makes sense. So we would do stuff. Right? Like, and we didn't do crazy stuff because, like, the doctors advised that he should never be on a plane because he had liquid, you know, Lara. Fluid down his brain. Like, there was stuff. But there were people very close to me that judged that. I think they just felt like we should stay home or that we should. Well, you have a sick kid. You shouldn't do that. And I remember a feeling like, shut the F up. Like, you know, like, you're not in my shoes, so don't. And also just being like, I would never tell anybody how to raise their other kid. But when you have a sick kid, why do you think you can tell me what you think I should do? Like, looking back, we worked really hard to take really good care of Jake and to really give him this great life. And were we perfect at all times? No. But part of that was for our family to be a unit that could still do things right. Like, it wasn't gonna be that. Oh, only one of, like, we weren't a divide. Like, sometimes we were divide and conquer. Cause we had to be. But we also tried really hard to just do things as a. So if you've got anything for me, here you go. I'm an open question. Bring it on. I like it. So you must know a lot of people. You must know so many people in Saratoga, because I think the community really supported you on your journey. Absolutely. Saratoga is a great community. Did you find it difficult sometimes when you were having a good day and you were in a good place, but you had to go to Hannaford because you needed groceries and you bumped into you know where I'm going? Oh, I do know where I'm going. Do you get this question a lot? No, I don't get this. No, no, no. I don't get this question a lot. I love this question. So I'm assuming you're going to say. I'll let you finish, because I'm already starting to answer, but no, but you know what I'm going to say. You're going to. So you're in that good place, and you go to the grocery store, and there's a person that you adore and adore your family and adore your son, and she is sad for me, for you. And you need to protect yourself because you're having a good day, but you wanna be supportive to her, but you don't want to spiral. So it's an excellent question. And I wish that I could answer it in this really graceful way that showed that I was this really mature whole person. However. However, you Know less so now because I'm just really comfortable in my skin now, and I'm really at peace with my story, but at different places. In the last 13 years since Jake died, I've not been in that place, you know, and my. My husband will laugh. Like, one of the things I started kind of like chuckling when you said it was because there was a huge portion. And I still do this sometimes. Hair in a ponytail, cap on, big sunglasses. Like, that's my look. Like, it's Heather incognito. I often go out in town looking not at all like myself. Like, I don't like. Protecting yourself. Protecting myself. That's kind of how I protect myself. I wear big glasses. I put a baseball cap on. It's funny. Like, people always assume, like, I'm an extrovert, but I'm really an introvert, right? Like, I need a lot of, like, one on one quiet time, like when I'm out. Because a lot of what I do in talking about Jake and talking about grief and talking about those things, I love to talk about it, but it's so draining that I need to have a lot of time where I just kind of do protect myself. So I often am incognito. People wouldn't even see me or they'd be like, oh, Heather looks horrible. We better leave her alone. Go the other way. Yeah, go the other way. I don't know what's happening there. I don't know what's happening with her today. So do you have anything you would like to ask me? What do you like to do for yourself? Like to bring yourself joy? I am in various places with that. And I think sometimes through this podcast and sometimes stuff, like, I find myself talking all the time, right? And sometimes lately what I find I need the most of is like, I need a window of time alone with, like, a book, and I need to. For me to be recharged. I need, like, alone time with, like, my book. Sometimes even just like, alone in my house folding laundry. Honestly, I hate that. Sounds lame to say that that's, like, my me time, but I just. I like to be alone in my house. I don't want the radio on. I don't want the TV on. I want, like, calm and quiet. We may have reached the portion where you get to ask me anything. Oh, boy. Well, let's start light. All right, let's do it. What is your go to? Let's say fast food. That's an interesting. I don't eat a ton of fast food. That's a Very boring answer, Heather. Oh, man. I know. Totally boring. For some reason, I kind of figured that was gonna be the answer, too. Well, you know, I will. Like, I like a good, like, five guys burger or a five guys hot dog even. I love their hot dogs. Their hot dogs are delicious on the grill with grilled jalapeno and grilled onion. See, now jalapeno. I can leave onions. Yes. You know, I don't do it a lot, but that's always a good go to. I've never had chick fil A. I like a good, greasy pizza. I like a sloppy, greasy, like, foldable piece of pizza. Yep. I'll take that every now and then. No toppings. I often will. Like, just cheese. I feel like, for a greasy. Yeah, like a greasy foldable cheese. Yep. So I do. I do want to know, though, how far or how long after Jake passed did you know you wanted to do Jake's help for heaven? So literally days, really. We. I remember being in the car and just being like, we have to do something. We have to do something. And Brian being like, okay, do what? And I was like, we have to do, like, we have to help kids like Jake. Like, and just, like, manic. Manic, like, oh, wow. Like. Like, no, we have to. So he passed December 8th. We were incorporated as a 501C3 March 17th. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Like, I found. I was like, I need an attorney. I found an attorney. She helped us out. She was really gifted at, like, that was her thing. Like, she could do not get nonprofit certified. Like, so we just knew. And we reached out to, you know, an accountant and said, you know, how do we get this set up? And I remember his advice to us was, if you want to be taken seriously and you want to do this, you cannot just invite your friends and family to be on your board. You have to be thoughtful about your board, and you have to ask people that each have a different role, and you have to sort of be able to explain that. And Brian and I took that very seriously. And we asked people who. We kind of thought each filled a particular pocket. I wanted everyone to be able to sit with their kid if they were sick at the hospital. I wanted to help. It's kind of dangerous asking a journalist to ask me anything. I know it's kind of bold on my part. I'm not going to go crazy here. I do wonder, as you talk about Jake and all of the work you do, kind of in his memory, do you find yourself talking to him? I talk to him all the Time twofold. I talk to him sometimes out of desperation because I'm so nervous of the day that what if I don't think of him? Or what if I don't talk of him? Because so much time has passed. So sometimes it's, like, desperate. But most of the time, the majority of the time, it's just like, hey, buddy, you're not gonna believe what happened today. And we joke in my house a little bit that it's not uncommon to hear me talking out loud with no one else in the room. So I'm either talking to myself, and my husband will be like, are you talking to me or are you having a staff meeting? And I'm like, oh, I'm having a staff meeting. You're not invited. Or I'm talking to Jake. Sometimes I'll tell him a very specific Jake's hell from heaven story. Cause there'll be equipment that we'll buy someone that didn't exist when he was around. And I'm like, oh, you would have loved the chill out chair. Sometimes I vent to him because I'm like, I don't know who else to like, just so, like, sometimes I just do that. And, like, I talk like, Ethan and I have a really close relationship, and I sometimes want to emulate that with Jake. So I'll just tell him some things about Ethan or something. That's beautiful. That desperate piece, though, that you were talking about, Is it a fear of just. It's a fear of. It's a fear of forgetting, and it's a fear of having moved on, you know? And, yes, he's been gone almost 14 years. I have lived more of my life, you know, with him gone than with him, like, as his mom. I'm like, if I'm not thinking of him all the time, then other people are not either. And that makes me really sad. Like, I just. You know that love we have for our kids, right? And we just. It's so deep, and it's. It never went away just because he passed away. I just have this, like, fear of if he's not in the forefront of my mind, then other people will forget. All right, so to lighten things up a little bit, you mentioned the emotional hangover and how we've all been hungover. I. All right, so what's your craziest hangover story? Oh, God, I would say one of my most recent hangovers. Last September. A group of old friends, like my husband's friend from. Best friend from kindergarten, friend from high school, his wife. We have been friends for 20 years. We went to Oktoberfest in Germany. Ooh. Yeah. We went to Munich. I was in a dirndl. The boys were in Lederhosen. Like, we went. I would say, top three, top five experiences of my life. But I will say that you don't just get a beer there. You get a liter of beer and you do that multiple times throughout the day. Like, I did not know I was capable of drinking as much beer as I did. I don't get hungover like I used to because I kind of know when to stop. I do have, like, boundaries. We one night, like, we started, we went. We ended up in a nightclub, like, we did Munich. And I will say that next day, I was dead. We all were. We were like zombies. And it turns out if you just go back to the tents and have another liter of beer, you feel better, but you bite the breath a bit. You. There you go. But I will say that I remember laying there, both Brian and I, and it was kind of like when you do that. Like, one eye open and you're like, ugh. Like, my brain. I felt like my brain was scraping my skull. Yes. Like, I was like, could not get enough water. This is how it ends. Yeah, this is it. And here I am in Munich. Who does your hair? Not yet. No one has asked me. Who does my hair? I will tell you. Liza does my hair at Simplicity. I love her to death. Do you do Pilates? I used to do Pilates. I don't know what to add. I would give a shout out to Liza at Simplicity. She has done my hair since before Jake passed. So when we were having the funeral and everything for Jake, all of a sudden, you know, I fixated on the weirdest thing, and I was like, my hair's a mess. My hair's a mess. I would need to. And then Brian was like, you need to take. Like, go. Go get your hair blown out. Like, go take an hour and go get your hair blown out. I walked in, and in those days, I was such a. It was like right after he died, I was just like a zombie. And I walked in, I got an appointment. I walked in, she's like, what's wrong? And I was like, jake died. She's like, what? And I was like, jake died and I need a. I need my hair blown out. And she was so gracious, you know, I mean, and she was young at the time, like, in her 20s. Had a. I think. Had only one child, I think. But she was so gracious and so sweet, and she was just like, gave me this grapeloud and she was like, just go, like, you know, like, didn't charge me. Ask Heather anything. Wow. Wow. I just. What's gonna be in place of the. The bowling fundraiser? Well, that's a good question. We are doing this in place of the bowling fundraiser. Two things. One is we had a really good run with that, right? Like, it was the family fun day, was super successful for us. It was really a great event because we had our families, we had our donors, we had our friends, all of those things. Fundamentally, I was like, people come out and support Jakes. They support the work we do. We have been really blessed to have sponsors and donors who get behind us and really donate to our cause so that we can come from a place of yes. And I think I even say that to when I'm meeting with people. Like, we would hate to have an application come in that we know this family needs and have to say no because we don't have enough money. And what if more people knew about what we did and knew about the impact? So we're taking this year to film a place of yes. To record these stories and to hopefully share more of what we do, what Brian and I do, what the lives of our Jake's family members are, you know, because we always consider ourselves like, it's. You're part of Jake's family. So we're using this as an opportunity to hopefully get some sponsors. Like, before you came in, I was recording an ad to try and just have that be an income source. And then hopefully if this does well, it will drive more revenue. Thank you for listening to a Place of Yes. Please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend, anybody who might benefit from listening to this. It would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell. Please subscribe to our YouTube channel. Leave us a thumbs up or leave us a comment. We would appreciate all that you can do. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend or two.