Burying My Family One by One: Losing My Father & 3 Siblings

Summary

A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast

Episode: Burying My Family One by One: Losing My Father & 3 Siblings
Host/Author: Bright Sighted
Release Date: July 24, 2025

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Introduction

In the poignant episode titled "Burying My Family One by One: Losing My Father & 3 Siblings," host Bright Sighted welcomes Kelly Talbot as a guest to share her heart-wrenching journey through profound loss and grief. The conversation, initially intended to be a single episode, blossomed into an almost two-hour deep dive, highlighting the sheer depth and complexity of Kelly's experiences. The host emphasizes the emotional weight of Kelly's story, stating, “Once we started recording, we couldn't stop” (00:04).

The Tragic Loss of Ryan

Kelly begins by recounting the devastating night of March 18th, St. Patrick's Day, when her brother Ryan was intentionally struck by a car following an altercation at a bar. At 25, Kelly was living at home and received the tragic news early in the morning. She describes the immediate chaos and disbelief felt by her family:

“I kept saying, what? What do you mean? What do you mean?” (02:38)

Her father's initial reaction was one of protective denial, urging everyone to stay calm with the hope that Ryan would recover. However, as hours passed, it became tragically clear that Ryan would not survive. Kelly vividly remembers the hospital environment, the overwhelming presence of medical staff, and the heartbreaking moment when Ryan was confirmed as brain dead.

“I remember standing over Ryan... my sister in law just sobbed on repeat... I am so sorry” (21:24)

Coping with the Immediate Aftermath

The immediate aftermath of Ryan's death left Kelly and her family in a state of shock and profound grief. They spent over twelve hours in the hospital, grappling with the finality of Ryan's passing. Kelly reflects on the difficulty of processing such a loss at a young age and the lingering pain of not being able to say a proper goodbye.

“I never had a closer or opportunity to say goodbye to any of my brothers.” (01:05)

The Loss of Father: A Long Battle

Shortly after Ryan's death, Kelly faced another immense loss with the passing of her father. Diagnosed with a rare throat cancer earlier, her father's health deteriorated over several years, marked by surgeries and hospitalizations. Kelly describes the relentless toll of watching her father struggle with his illness, the emotional strain on her family, and the eventual acceptance of his passing.

“He was ready to go. I for sure know he was ready to see my brother.” (21:24)

Navigating Grief and Family Dynamics

Kelly delves into the intricate dynamics within her family as they collectively mourn the loss of multiple loved ones. She touches on the strain her mother's stoic strength places on both herself and her mother, highlighting the unspoken competition in their grief:

“I think it's hard for her sometimes. I feel like it may be a bit of a competition when it doesn't need to be.” (22:24)

The conversation explores how grief can create emotional barriers, making open communication challenging and sometimes leading to a sense of isolation even within a grieving family.

Survivor's Guilt and Fear of Further Loss

A significant portion of the discussion centers around Kelly's survivor's guilt and her fear of losing her remaining family members, particularly her mother. She articulates a deep-seated fear that echoes through her life:

“I know I'm going to lose her just because she's my mom and that's the circle of life.” (23:24)

Kelly shares her anxieties about the future, the possibility of losing her husband or children, and the relentless thoughts that sometimes make it difficult to find joy amidst sorrow.

Hope and Finding Joy Amidst Grief

Despite the heavy themes, Kelly expresses a resilient belief in finding joy even after significant loss. She discusses the importance of cherishing happy memories and the support systems that help her navigate daily life:

“I also still believe very much that you can have joy. You can have all of this loss and all of this darkness and all these things, but you can still.” (26:16)

The host echoes this sentiment, emphasizing the balance between acknowledging pain and embracing moments of happiness.

Conclusions and Continued Healing

As the episode draws to a close, it becomes evident that Kelly's journey through grief is ongoing. She highlights the therapeutic avenues she has explored, such as therapy sessions with her husband, and the continuous effort to maintain her family's cohesion despite the tragedies.

“I have some sort of Irish luck... I have these things that travel through my mind that I can't help.” (25:21)

The conversation ends with a glimpse into the anticipated second part of Kelly's story, promising further exploration of her coping mechanisms and the enduring impact of her losses.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Host: “Once we started recording, we couldn't stop.” (00:04)
• Kelly: “I'm sorry. I'm crying all night.” (02:17)
• Kelly: “Ryan had nine lives. You know, he loved life.” (02:38)
• Host: “I can see it. I can hear it when you tell that story.” (06:37)
• Kelly: “We don't miss like you miss.” (14:02)
• Kelly: “I'm gonna turn it into a two parter.” (15:07)
• Host: “How do you live with that? Like, how do you parent” (17:00)
• Kelly: “I know bad things happen and I know they happen on repeat.” (25:58)

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Final Thoughts

This episode of A Place of Yes offers a raw and unfiltered look into the devastating effects of losing multiple family members. Through Kelly Talbot's honest and vulnerable storytelling, listeners gain a profound understanding of the complexities of grief, survivor's guilt, and the struggle to find meaning and joy amidst relentless sorrow. As Bright Sighted steers the conversation with empathy and depth, the episode stands as a testament to the strength of the human spirit in the face of unimaginable loss.

For those who have endured similar losses or are navigating their own grief journeys, Kelly's story serves as both a mirror and a beacon of hope, illustrating that even in the darkest times, there is a place of yes—a space where grief can be channeled into something meaningful.

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Note: This summary captures the essence of the first part of Kelly Talbot's story. Stay tuned for Part Two, where Kelly continues to delve deeper into her experiences and the path to healing.

Transcript

[Host]

Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Welcome to the show. This conversation with Kelly Talbot is so powerful. Once we started recording, we couldn't stop. We ended up talking for almost two hours and and figuring out what to cut was nearly impossible. So we turned it into a two parter. I promise you'll be both moved by this conversation and inspired by Kelly's strength, honesty and vulnerability. As we begin to close out season two, I can't think of a better conversation to share. So today's guest is Kelly Talbot.

[Kelly Talbot]

Her.

[Host]

Her story is one that since we talked has really stayed with me and I'm really grateful that you are here sharing your story with the audience and with me. And so thank you.

[Kelly Talbot]

I'm really grateful you asked. So thank you for reaching out.

[Host]

I was spending a lot of time thinking about how we would start this and when I read your survey, like your pre show interview survey where I asked you to share a little bit about yourself, the way you wrote your story was beautiful, which is a weird thing to say as we're talking about like death and grief, but I just loved some of the things you said. So I thought that I would just read your words back to you to start. I grew up in a family of six. My mom and dad were both married before they met each other. My dad had a son, Jason. Jason was one when my mom and dad got married. My parents then had my older brother Ryan, then me, and lastly Sean. I hated being the only girl when I was a kid for a long time and for different reasons. Now that they are all gone, I yearn for those times. And then you wrote, my mom and I are the only ones left of us 6. I never had a closer or opportunity to say goodbye to any of my brothers. And when I said goodbye to my dad, he couldn't speak or answer me back. So that still haunts me to this day. I wish I could hear their voices one last time. I think those words that you wrote are just. I could feel how genuine they were. I'm just sorry. You know, I want to start always by saying like, I'm sorry.

[Kelly Talbot]

I'm sorry. I'm crying all night.

[Host]

You know, I do this grief conversation because of losing my son. And I know how loss can just change the course of your life. Can you share in sort of the. I don't know, I feel like it's a loaded question. But like in the easiest way, can you share your story A little bit like just to help get started.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yes. So I'm one of four. I'm 40 years old now. So when I was 25, I was living at home still. I had a leave position as a teacher, a substitute teacher, kind of. I got a call at like 6:01 in the morning on March 18th from a friend of mine that had said, you know, my brother had been hit by a car in my head. You know, I was living at home, my parents were still upstairs asleep and I think I was louder than I thought I was. And I kept saying, what? What do you mean? What do you mean? My mom, in that moment, as she has always been, was the strong one. And my dad is pacing and he is back. I can still picture him in the upstairs hallway from our foyer freaking out, as any parent would be. My mom just said, just hang up, it's fine. It's him, he'll be all right. You know, hang up. We'll get ahold of the hospital. We find out that it was St. Patrick's Day night. He was hit intentionally by a driver while he was walking. There was an altercation at a bar and apparently these men followed him and hit him with their car twice. So he went in as a John Doe. Apparently they flew him to Albany Med. I then had my little brother in the car. We took separate cars because I had planned to go to work after that. I thought, I'll go see him.

[Host]

And mom and dad had no idea the severity of this.

[Kelly Talbot]

No idea and no concept of loss or trauma like this. I had no idea what I was about to embark on. So all the way to Albany met. I'm driving my little brother who at the time was 20. And I said, he kept saying, what are we going to do, Kelly? I said, we're not, we're not going to do anything. This is fine. You heard mom and dad, this is going to be fine. He's fine. Ryan always does this. I always said my brother Ryan had nine lives. You know, he loved life. We can all, when he passed, we all knew that that's something he captured to his the best of his ability. We get to the hospital, we're waiting for my other brother, Jason, I called him and my sister in law at the time and they had just two little boys. They were getting there as fast as they could. And we're like, we'll meet you there, we'll meet you there. Well, we walk in and they put us in a room that was about the size of a like gas station bathroom in my heart Right then I knew that this is not anyone's typical experience in this situation. To spare all the details, a doctor walked in and said, do we have everyone here? And I kept on repeat saying, no, my brother and sister in law are not here. They're not here. My mom and dad, you know, were crawling out of their skin and they're like, we're not waiting for them. What do you have to say? And they said that, you know, he's not gonna make it, or he didn't make it, I can't quite remember. And my dad so forcefully threw his whole body against the wall, slammed his head against the wall and just crumbled. And I left that room and I just thought, I have no idea what all this means. Like, where's my brother? I could go on about that whole day in the hospital. But long story short, we stayed there about 12 or 13 hours. They had to run tests to make sure my uncles and aunts drove to say goodbye.

[Host]

So, like, tests to make sure that this.

[Kelly Talbot]

He was brain dead. There were so many people around him in the hospital room.

[Host]

So you went in, you were able to be in the room with him?

[Kelly Talbot]

We were with him all day long. My brother Jason got there finally and he didn't say a word all day long. There was so many people around his body that wanted to hold him and say goodbye, that I held his toe the whole day until I got a little bit of time by his head. And then I left because I didn't want to be by his head because his ear started, like blood started coming out of his ear.

[Host]

Oh, God, Kelly.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah, so, like, there was a lot about that day that just was a bubble. We went home that day and I remember I walked in that house and I said, I never, like, want to be here again. That was a long process. It was so public.

[Host]

So before we even go into that, so it's interesting because I think we spend so much time talking, like on this show about grief and all of these things. Yeah, you said something at the beginning, and I think it's so important. We never know when this is going to happen, Right. That first major loss, whether you're 5, 10, 25.

[Kelly Talbot]

Right, 50.

[Host]

It's the. I can see it. I can hear it when you tell that story. It's like you can remember everything. It's raw still.

[Kelly Talbot]

I have a terrible memory and I can remember just everything about that day.

[Host]

And I bring that up only because I do think the way our memories work in these horribly traumatic times. It's like you wish all of the things that I can't remember in my life, I wish I could remember. But I can tell you everything about when Jake died, to the hospital ride to sitting there when I real. Like, when I first knew he was dead, or like, when I suspected he was dead and then knew he was dead. And then when we left, and then walking into the house, like, I. I can picture that.

[Kelly Talbot]

Like, what you were wearing. Like, I couldn't wear that sweatshirt ever again. Yes.

[Host]

Like, everything about that. I can see it even as I'm saying it right now, so vividly.

[Kelly Talbot]

It's eerie, really, because I don't even.

[Host]

Know what I had for breakfast this morning.

[Kelly Talbot]

No, I know there was a moment where I felt like my body was collapsing after Ryan died, when I realized I couldn't hear his voice anymore. And I listened to other podcasts of yours and heard guests, but, yeah, I can still feel how soft his hair was, but I can't hear his voice anymore.

[Host]

So he was murdered.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yes. Essentially, that's what happened. Yep. The people who did this fled the scene, went back to their homes, were seen trying to remove the windshield because parts of Ryan's skull and hair were in the windshield. Apparently, they went over and asked a neighbor to help them with something, and the neighbor felt their, like, angst and called the police. The address that. That was this person, one of these people were on. Broke their parole. Cops went out to see this situation in our mind, in our family's life. This was our family unit happening. But in. In the bigger picture, our phones were blowing up. My family members from across the country were crying and looking it up because we didn't know it was, I guess, a story. Yeah. Like, it was on the news. Like, for example, he was technically, like, on life support, but he was like, we were waiting and just hoping, you know, as anyone else would, but he was brain dead. I remember having. I can't remember if it was one of my mom's co workers that called my phone, and I picked up and they said, he's. He's gonna make it, though, that the news says he's still alive. And I said, and you're.

[Host]

You're sitting there, sitting in the hospital.

[Kelly Talbot]

I can picture the windowsill looking out in Albany, said, he's not still alive. Right. And then I'm thinking, what. What news? Because I wasn't processing that. This was like the. This was just my brother. This was just Ryan laying in a bed.

[Host]

I think at that time, you didn't know what was happening. But then as the days right as you go home and you recognize that that had to be an extra layer of.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah. We had news crew. My mom still lives my childhood home on a dead end road. And our neighbors at the end of the road caught wind of this on the tv and they all took all their cars and blocked the end of the road. Four wheelers were blocking the road and they wouldn't let the news crew. My mom's co workers left work and came and cleaned, like, the house and tried to walk our dog and things like that. And one of my mom's co workers, like, ran off a news crew person. So those moments, right, those are when.

[Host]

You know you've got community and family behind you. And people always say, like, what can I do?

[Kelly Talbot]

Or whatever.

[Host]

But I think of people who did that kind of thing for me in those days, and those are the people who.

[Kelly Talbot]

And they're still in our lives.

[Host]

Yeah. And they can almost do nothing wrong because they had your back.

[Kelly Talbot]

Oh, you needed it.

[Host]

Yeah. So before we kind of continue with your story, what happened to the, like, did. There was a trial.

[Kelly Talbot]

There was a trial, Yep. It was hard and long. And I'm gonna be very honest, part of that. I don't remember. Like, I think. I don't. I didn't really read the news articles. I've gone on rabbit holes back more recently in my life, but I didn't read any of that.

[Host]

Do you feel like you're looking at yourself or do you feel like you're looking at someone else?

[Kelly Talbot]

Someone else. For a lot of reasons, I feel like even though I was 25, like, my childhood, for what it was worth, just halted. I felt like when. That moment in my house, my childhood home, when I'm watching my dad pace and cry and I looking at my mom as she looks at me and says, it's going to be okay. It's Ryan. Everyone calm down. I remember in that hospital thinking, like, that was my first instance, like, real instance, where I thought parents are not always right and parents don't always know. Not for lack of trusting. But in my heart, that scared the.

[Host]

Crap out of me because it's like everything you've known up until that point you realize is so fragile.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah.

[Host]

When was the last time you had seen Ryan before this happened?

[Kelly Talbot]

We went to a Billy Joel and Elton John concert that was postponed. Do you remember? Yes. Yes, it was postponed. And Ryan was so mad. Like, he was a big concert goer and just like anything fun, you know, they took us and my husband at the time, and we went to a Beer garden before. I have, like, one of my favorite pictures of us with a big, like, sign. You know, my parents are in it, joking around and stuff. And there was a moment during that concert where he pulled me out into the aisle, and I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, just dance with me. And he stopped and he looked at me. He's like, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And I flashback, because he for sure meant the concert.

[Host]

Yes. Like, Billy John, Billy John.

[Kelly Talbot]

Look where we are together with mom and dad. That line sticks with me now because he was absolutely right that that was the last time I danced with him. St. Patrick's Day was his favorite holiday. So he went over to my parents that night and had dinners. Corned beef and cabbage with them. Were very Irish. I was not home. And he went out that night and never came home.

[Host]

I mean, I always think it's so important to have, like, have that memory of you dancing with him.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yes.

[Host]

Cause the horrible pictures are always gonna be there. You fight them, but at least if you can, like, counteract them in your head with, like, the picture, like, the remembrance of you guys dancing and happiness and him saying that, then it doesn't always win, but, like, at least you have it.

[Kelly Talbot]

Oh. And, you know, that was a great memory that we had together.

[Host]

Do you feel like you connect with him now? Like, do you feel him around you, or.

[Kelly Talbot]

I mean, I felt him more than any of the others.

[Host]

Okay.

[Kelly Talbot]

I tried to understand it a little bit more when it happened than I think I did as more of them passed. I kind of believe my faith and beliefs have changed over the years greatly. I felt that he was absolutely not ready to go. And he might have felt my anger towards him because I was mad that he made another decision that was fairly selfish. Even though he was young and going out.

[Host]

Do you feel like by going out and getting in a fight in a bar and just running his mouth or.

[Kelly Talbot]

Whatever, rumbling things up again, where he just. I felt that he messed this up for us. Clearly, for a while, I'm thinking, how selfish are you? Kelly messed things up for him. He's the one that's gone. I had one dream where I truly feel like he came to me. And I think that was because, in my opinion, that he was not ready to go because he felt very unfinished here. That dream was very vivid. We were in my mom's sunroom. We called off the living room. And I was scolding him, of course, and he was leaning his elbows on his knees forward over his Lap. And he kept shaking his head and shaking his head and he said, I know. I know, Kelly. And then he said something like, it is what it is, though. And then I asked him, do you miss me? Like, do you miss us after all that? This. Do you miss us? And he turned and looked at me and said, we don't miss like you miss.

[Host]

Oh, God, I have chills.

[Kelly Talbot]

I didn't dream of my dad like that. I didn't dream of Jason or my brother Sean like that.

[Host]

What was the time after he passed?

[Kelly Talbot]

Few weeks.

[Host]

Okay.

[Kelly Talbot]

And he looked different when he. When he passed. He had a big beard, a little bit heavier set at the time. In this dream, he was his clean shaven self with a goatee that he used to have. And I've also heard that they go back to their happiest times.

[Host]

Oh, I love that.

[Kelly Talbot]

So I wonder if that.

[Host]

That's what he maybe looked like when he felt, like, better about his life or whatever.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah, whatever. Was happier for him.

[Host]

I'm so intrigued by that.

[Kelly Talbot]

I know. And it was comforting, whatever that might mean. What do you mean?

[Host]

It's one of those things almost that's, like, so vague. You can make it anything you need it to be. I love that you had that though, right? Like. Because I think that has to, even all these years later, feel like it does.

[Kelly Talbot]

I'm mad that I, like, I think to myself now, now mad at my other.

[Host]

Yeah, you're like, hey, guys, I'm here.

[Kelly Talbot]

Ryan did this for me. Like, where are you guys? And I kind of justify it. Like, I think to myself, I hope that Jason did that for his sons in some form. Like, maybe they get a chance to.

[Host]

Get, like, you get one person or something. You get, like one shot and he picked you. And maybe they're all up there together and he knew. He was like, well, I already had Kelly, so now everyone.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yes. And this is how my mind works now.

[Host]

Look at.

[Kelly Talbot]

I know, a narrative for you. Yeah, it's like a trickle effect, right.

[Host]

I'm totally figuring out how to, like.

[Kelly Talbot]

I know because I. Because I think to myself, like, where are you for me now? Where are you to comfort me now? I haven't heard from even my father. I know that he was ready to go. So I wonder again if that mindset is correct for me. Maybe he just said, you know, he looked at me and that was his way, and then he was gone. And he was ready for Ryan. I could tell in his eyes he was ready for Ryan.

[Host]

How have you come to terms with that feeling of Being angry at him. How do you live with that? Like, how do you parent?

[Kelly Talbot]

Well, that's why when I first heard your story and you shared with me that I had a. After my last brother passed, I have just an utter fear that I'm gonna lose my husband or kids. And I can't. Like, we all say, like, I can't imagine. But in your shoes, couldn't imagine being. Because I don't know how I would survive that. People just do. You're here making a difference and stuff, but it's like, I get over these humps, and then it happens again. And I had. My husband's come to therapy twice with me over the years, and the first time was after Ryan when he and I were just. He.

[Host]

So you were dating at the time?

[Kelly Talbot]

Okay, just dating. He didn't understand my grief. I didn't understand my grief, and he didn't like to see me sad, and he didn't like that he couldn't fix it. So I begged him to come once. That helped us tremendously, because what I didn't know he was dealing with is he just wanted to help me, and I didn't know how to be helped.

[Host]

Well, and you probably also felt like he's trying to, like, change you or minimize you or something, because I think that's a big thing sometimes. Like, we feel like people are minimizing our feelings. But you don't even know what your feelings are.

[Kelly Talbot]

Correct. Inevitably, I was immediately a different person, and each one of these deaths have made me a different person. I feel terrible for him because he's rode this wave with me and with my family and seen all the changes and devastation, but he has been a part of it.

[Host]

So you pick up the pieces.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yep.

[Host]

How quickly did you get married after Ryan passed?

[Kelly Talbot]

Ryan was killed in 2010. I moved out in 2010. And here I am, a shell of myself now, leaving my childhood home from my parents, moving in with my boyfriend, which I wanted to do, but I'm so sad, and he and I aren't understanding each other. And we moved in in 2010. In 2011, we got engaged.

[Host]

Okay.

[Kelly Talbot]

And 2013, we got married. My dad died a year and a half after we got married.

[Host]

So then your next major loss was your dad?

[Kelly Talbot]

Yes. So to flash back again, he was diagnosed with a throat cancer that was pretty rare when I was, like, in sixth grade to kind of skip all the details with that. We found out it was before cell phones. We were on a camping trip. I noticed my parents stopping at, like, every payphone and Then telling us to wait in the car. Finally, I saw him at a payphone, like, drop. So we. We go to a pizza place, and they set us down, and Jason wasn't there. Jason was older and kind of did his own thing, but my mom sat us down and tried to explain to us what was going on and that dad had cancer. And. And we're gonna figure this out. And we're obviously saying, what does this mean? Sean was so little. I think he was in, like, first or second grade. And Ryan just hardcore. He wore his heart on his sleeve. He just looked at all of us and he said, well, Sean, it means that dad's gonna die before you get. You go to high school graduation. Dad's never gonna walk you down the aisle, Kelly. And then he ran away on vacation. Like, took off. So now we're, like, shattered, and we're trying to find him, and he was just so, so scared. My mom's still stoic, strong. We get home, I don't remember, like, all the doctors. I don't remember any of that. I do remember my dad's hunting friends pulling in because my mom called him over. And my papa. My dad's dad came from Florida and took me with my grandma outside, all the kids, and we were outside playing, and I'm, like, waving to the guys coming in, and they're all, like, pale, and then they go inside, and they all come out crying. So my mom took him hospital after hospital after hospital. Every. Every doctor would say, like, take him home, say goodbye to his kids, and she wouldn't have it, so she traveled all over to get him a doctor, and he got the surgery. He had, like, huge staples in his neck, so he was on a feeding tube, so we had to feed him. We took turns feeding him and holding up in the living room.

[Host]

Holding the bag up.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah. So this is a process of my childhood, because then he would get well enough that the feeding tube was not needed, and he could eat, but he would eat and then choke because of the cancer in his throat. The scar tissue had built up. So there's a process, a procedure they can do to stretch your throat, but it's only supposed to be done, I think, every, like, few years, and he was getting it every three months.

[Host]

Oh, my goodness. Okay.

[Kelly Talbot]

My dad loved food. He loved his drinks. He loved, like, socializing in life like that. He, of course, went into a great depression when he would have to be back on the feeding tube, and he felt embarrassed. I remember him apologizing every time he choked. So I was really Fearful that he would choke and I wouldn't be there. I can remember two big cases when I gave him the Heimlich, but I. I can't really count how many times I gave him. The doctor said, this cancer, you made it like, good for you. You're in remission, but your health will deteriorate. Before, because of this, he had said as he got sicker that he saw what he had hoped to see. He set goals for himself and he saw me get married. He saw Shawn graduate high school. He got sick again. It was right after Christmas the 26th. He had aspirated, the liquid went down into his lungs and he got pneumonia, which would happen often. From there, he never. He was in ICU for 67 days. He cried almost every single day he was in icu. To me, he was not shy to. To beg for help from me in any way he could. And I couldn't help him. The day that we got the call to come in, he had denied medicine, pain medicine. He couldn't talk, though. And that was the one day I didn't see fear in his eyes.

[Host]

You think he had just. He'd come to terms?

[Kelly Talbot]

He was ready to. I for sure know he was ready to see my brother. Like, he had that belief in that moment that, I'm done fighting. I tried. One day during that stay in icu, he got out of ICU and went to a regular room. And I was like beside myself, excited. And then he went right back in.

[Host]

Right back in. Like, were you mad? Sad?

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah, I was mad.

[Host]

Mad. I was mad.

[Kelly Talbot]

But I also couldn't understand the grief. I still remember standing over Ryan and when my sister in law and brother got there, my sister in law just sobbed on repeat. Looking at my mother, just saying, I am so sorry. I don't know how you are doing this right now. I am so sorry.

[Host]

Cause she had kids already because she.

[Kelly Talbot]

Had two babies at home that she just left. A one year old and a two year old. And I couldn't understand then the grief that my parents were going through. And I still don't think my mom understands the grief that I go through. Like her heaviness as a parent, losing all of these kids. I think it's hard for her sometimes. I feel like it may be a bit of a competition when it doesn't need to be.

[Host]

Grief in itself though, can be a competition. I feel like it's a thing that comes up a lot. And I used to always say that I thought there was like a hierarchy.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Host]

I was at the Top, you know, and I've changed my thinking on all of that. But I do think that grief brings out a real competitive thing. Like I see it even with like family members of mine of like even about all of us, the way we just handle date.

[Kelly Talbot]

I know she doesn't mean it and she's not, she's not like, well, I'm not listening to you. But it's like she's hurting so much too still. It's almost like we really don't talk much about it because we don't really know what else there is to say.

[Host]

Before we get into your other two brothers, I want to jump to. Since you brought up your mom and I just have been thinking about so much about like the two of you, right. So you know, you were a family of six and you went on camping trips and you had this happy childhood. And I always think it's not the big things, right? It's the little things in life that are just what makes family time and everything special. How are you two now? Like, do you have survivor's guilt? Do you feel scared? Like, do you like where.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah, I think now I know I'm going to lose her just because she's my mom and that's the circle of life. I think. I feel extremely scared that when I lose her, they're all gone. And I've said that to my husband and he says, you have me, you have the kids. I've said that to my husband's family, who I'm extremely close with. He has four siblings, so they have that big family unit like I used to have. You know what I mean? I'm scared to lose her for a lot of reasons. Our relationship just has been rocky because I think we're both trying to be the best person we can be at this point. I don't think that there's any part of the relationship that's either of our fault. It's just like we're trying to be a happy small family now.

[Host]

One of the other things you wrote that sort of has stayed with me and I think this is kind of a. I'm gonna read it.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah.

[Host]

Cause you know, you talk about the family of six and you're the only one left. You wrote I love doing things with my family. I always tell my husband I'm happiest when I am with my unit of the five of us. Do you think that is because like.

[Kelly Talbot]

Uh huh, for sure. I had sick ideas in my head about how many children I should have. They're supposed to have each Other always. They're supposed to grow old. I see my mom with her siblings, her brothers. I see my mother in law with her sisters. I see friends with their siblings. Like we're not young anymore. They're having these new experiences and I don't want my kids to ever feel alone. I want them to all have each other always. So in a sick way, like, starting after Jason, really, Jason was the first death when I had kids, I started like pleading and bargaining. I felt like with God or whoever was above that, okay, if this is what had to happen for you to keep my husband safe and my kids happy and healthy, I wouldn't think I'd choose it. And I didn't choose it. But here it is. But then it kept happening. I feel better lately about it, but I still hold this feeling that I have some sort of Irish luck.

[Host]

Like a curse.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yes. I travel through things in my mind that this is going to be sick, but this is how my mind works and how I've dwelled on this and wondered, could I expect it next? What could I do? But my brother Ryan was 27 when he died. My brother Sean was 34, so there's seven years there. My brother Jason was 41, so there's seven years there. So I like literally said to my therapist, I'm like, am I gonna die at 48? So I have these things that travel through my mind that I can't help. I know bad things happen and I know they happen on repeat.

[Host]

It's in that. I mean, that is just something I think that is so that I relate to so much. Because something has happened to you. You should be protected. Like, you should not have this repeat. It's like, give it to someone else.

[Kelly Talbot]

Which is horrible.

[Host]

Cause you don't want to.

[Kelly Talbot]

But how about enough already?

[Host]

Yes. Like, why? Why? Like, I remember when Jake first got sick, I kind of was like, okay, you know, this is my thing.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yes, yes.

[Host]

Like, this is my thing. Like, this is my cross to bear or whatever.

[Kelly Talbot]

Like, Right.

[Host]

I really honestly believed that that protected me in some way. And then he died. And I was like. And then it terrifies me because I feel like, what if something happens to Ethan? You know what I mean?

[Kelly Talbot]

It's just this, like, imagine like.

[Host]

Like I can picture the people I love dying. Like, we'll be driving sometimes and like if someone cuts us off. But like, not even dangerous, like, But I'm like, I grab the side and I like screech. And then I finally, a couple of years ago, told him. I was like, well, when that happens, like, my brain flash forwards to, like, I see death. Like, I see, like, death. He doesn't really know what to do with that. Cause his mind doesn't see death. I have to, like, work really hard sometimes to, like, get my head out of there. Like, you know, we travel, and I will forget 24 hours before we travel. If Ethan's not coming with us. I have a pit in my stomach of like, okay, what if something happens to him when I'm overseas? Or, what if both of us die and then he's left alone with no one? Like, those are just thoughts I have. And it's a real job to keep them from ruining your day, from finding the joy. Because I also still believe very much that you can have joy. Like, you can have all of this loss and all of this darkness and all these things, but you can still. Sometimes I almost think you can have more joy because you know what you've lost. You know what you've lost. It doesn't get easier. It's almost like these crazy talks you have to have with yourself.

[Kelly Talbot]

Absolutely. You're. You're waiting for what's lurking.

[Host]

And if you let yourself wait with that too long, you can just go wildly dark.

[Kelly Talbot]

Yeah.

[Host]

Coming up next week in Part two. Oh, God.

[Kelly Talbot]

The collar in his face. I immediately knew. I'm like, they found Jason dead. I know it. He's like, move over. Because I was driving the car. He's like, move over. And I'm like, where is he? And he's like, kelly, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, what the hell?

[Host]

What year was this?

[Kelly Talbot]

2017.

[Host]

Thank you for listening to A Place of Yes. Please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend. It would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell. Thank you so much for watching.