“Gabby Petito’s Parents: What It’s Really Like to Grieve Her Life”

Summary

Podcast Summary: “Gabby Petito’s Parents: What It’s Really Like to Grieve Her Life”

Podcast Information:

• Title: A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast
• Host: Bright Sighted
• Episode: “Gabby Petito’s Parents: What It’s Really Like to Grieve Her Life”
• Release Date: May 8, 2025

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of A Place of Yes, host Heather welcomes Nicole Schmidt, Gabby Petito's mother, and Tara Petito, Gabby's stepmother. The conversation delves deep into the personal and public aspects of grieving the loss of Gabby Petito, exploring how her memory continues to inspire and foster positive change through the Gabby Petito Foundation.

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Meeting the Guests

Heather begins by acknowledging the profound loss Nicole and Tara have experienced, creating a compassionate space for them to share their journey. She emphasizes the shared bond among parents who have lost a child, highlighting the unique understanding and support they provide each other.

Heather: “Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour...”

Describing Gabby Petito

Both Nicole and Tara paint a vivid picture of Gabby as a vibrant and loving individual. Gabby's infectious laughter, artistic spirit, and strong bonds with her siblings are highlighted as central to her enduring legacy.

Tara Petito (05:24): “Gabby was a bright light...she could light up a room...she was an amazing spirit.”

Nicole Schmidt (05:50): “She is doing things that she wouldn't have been able to do while she was here. She's saving lives... her spirit is just everywhere.”

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Coping with Grief and Keeping Gabby's Memory Alive

Heather and her guests discuss the visceral nature of their grief and how Gabby's story has become a universal touchstone for many. They share personal anecdotes about how Gabby's presence continues to influence their lives and the lives of others worldwide.

Heather (06:26): “When you lose a child, at least for me, you feel the grief of other parents in your body. It's visceral.”

Nicole adds that knowing Gabby’s spirit is felt globally helps them navigate their ongoing grief.

Nicole Schmidt (06:40): “She is still very much here in a different way.”

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Impact on Family Life and Parenting

The episode delves into how the tragedy has reshaped Nicole and Tara's approach to parenting. They discuss the challenges their children face, such as anxiety and trust issues, and how they strive to balance protecting their kids while allowing them to lead normal lives.

Nicole Schmidt (17:38): “Our kids are never going to trust anyone... it's really, really hard to navigate that.”

Tara Petito (19:21): “I'm more lenient because I want them to know that they can be happy and live a life.”

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Public Grieving and Media Exposure

Nicole and Tara share their experiences with media attention, discussing the emotional toll of public scrutiny and the challenges of maintaining personal boundaries. They emphasize the importance of supporting one another in handling media interactions.

Tara Petito (28:04): “Navigating the media is hard... but with the four of us, we help each other.”

Nicole Schmidt (29:58): “We felt a little overwhelmed... we've calmed down and we're kind of just back in the game.”

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Foundation Work and Advocacy

A significant portion of the discussion centers around the Gabby Petito Foundation's mission to prevent domestic violence and support those affected by it. Nicole and Tara explain their educational initiatives, including speaking at schools about red flags and safety measures.

Tara Petito (31:10): “We want to empower young people with the tools to recognize signs in themselves and others.”

Nicole Schmidt (35:17): “Stories like 'because of Gabby, I’m alive because I left my abuser' give us a reason to keep going.”

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Handling Anger and Forgiveness

The conversation shifts to the emotional complexities of anger and forgiveness. Nicole discusses her journey towards forgiving Gabby's abuser as a means to release her own pain, while Tara shares her hope for justice despite the challenges.

Nicole Schmidt (36:38): “I actually forgave him... to release him from my anger.”

Tara Petito (37:35): “I still want them to be arrested somehow. I would find complete joy in that.”

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Handling Anniversaries and Special Days

Nicole and Tara reflect on how they commemorate Gabby's birthday, anniversary, and Mother's Day. They share personal rituals, such as visiting a bench or spending quiet time at the beach, to honor Gabby's memory while managing their grief.

Tara Petito (48:42): “Mother's Day is hard... I want to feel peace at the beach.”

Nicole Schmidt (50:02): “Things don't feel real in those moments. Like, what happened? Why are we here?”

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Final Takeaways and Messages

As the episode concludes, Nicole and Tara offer heartfelt advice to listeners dealing with grief. They emphasize the importance of self-care, allowing oneself to have good days, and not feeling obligated to channel grief into advocacy unless it aligns with one's personal healing journey.

Nicole Schmidt (39:41): “You are allowed to have good days... self-care is number one.”

Tara Petito (52:57): “Do whatever makes you happy... find peace in what feels right for you.”

Heather echoes these sentiments, advocating for authenticity in one's grieving process and recognizing that everyone's path to healing is unique.

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Upcoming Events and Initiatives

The guests announce their upcoming fundraiser in New York and encourage listeners to support the foundation's ongoing efforts to educate and prevent domestic violence.

Tara Petito (42:26): “June 6th... Willow Creek Golf Club in New York. Registration starts at 11...”

Nicole Schmidt (43:31): “Visit gabbypetitofoundation.org for more information and events.”

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Conclusion

Heather wraps up the episode by expressing gratitude towards Nicole and Tara for their openness and bravery in sharing their story. She underscores the podcast's mission to support and inspire those navigating grief, highlighting the powerful legacy of Gabby Petito through the efforts of her family and the foundation.

Heather (53:22): “Thank you for being on this podcast... share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell.”

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Notable Quotes:

• Heather (05:24): “Gabby was a bright light. I still try to pretend that I hear her laugh because I miss it so much.”

• Nicole Schmidt (10:02): “Just miss hugging her and hearing her laugh and talking to her... everything.”

• Tara Petito (16:47): “If you can do it, do it. You’re not going to do it if you wait.”

• Nicole Schmidt (36:38): “I actually forgave him... I wanted to stop thinking about all that.”

• Nicole Schmidt (39:41): “You are allowed to have good days... you don’t have to start a foundation.”

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This episode poignantly captures the resilience of Gabby Petito’s parents as they navigate their grief while fostering a legacy of hope and prevention. Through their candid conversations, Nicole and Tara offer valuable insights and heartfelt encouragement to listeners grappling with loss.

Transcript

[Nicole Schmidt]

At the growing memorial for Gabby Petito.

[Heather]

Here at Northport City hall, people from all over the country are stopping to pay their respects to someone most of them never knew, but felt a strong connection with. Gabby Petito's story has touched the world.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Gabby's life wasn't just taken. The way that we live the rest of our lives was completely changed. You know, our kids are never going to trust anyone. Well, maybe they will. We have to work through that. I mean, it's going to be so hard for them. They have to change the way that the course of their life is. It's really, really hard to navigate that and understand that based on what happened to us.

[Heather]

Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Welcome to the show. Some stories just grab hold of us. They strike a nerve and we all feel drawn in. The story of Gabby Petito is one of those stories. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard she was missing. I had just gotten home from Moab, where some of the first reports and body cam footage of Gabby had surfaced. That connection, however small, made it feel so personal to me. I was deeply invested in the hope that she'd be found. And once you've lost a child, at least for me, you feel the grief of other parents in your body. It's visceral. My heart was with Gabby's family from that start. And like so many of you, when the Netflix series came out, I watched. I felt enraged, heartbroken. And Brian and I just sat there aching for them because we understood that kind of loss. So I reached out. As a mom who also lost a child, I wanted them to know how deeply sorry I was for what happened and for how the system failed Gabby. I shared about Jakey and what we've been doing to keep his memory alive. And on that very human level, we connected. Today, I'm honored to welcome Nicole Schmidt, Gabby's mom, and Tara Petito, her stepmom, to this episode of A Place of Yes. It's not a coincidence that this conversation is coming out right before Mother's Day. If you've lost a child, you already know it's not your favorite day. It's not about self care or taking time for yourself. It's just about getting through it. But maybe if you let it, it can be a day to reflect on the memories, the favorite things, and the love that still lives on. And that's what this conversation is about. We're not about what happened to us. We're about how we choose to live, and today we are choosing to remember Gabby in her life. If you're watching on YouTube, I encourage you to leave comments of support and love for Gabby's family.

[Nicole Schmidt]

And.

[Heather]

And if you're listening on any other platform, I encourage you to share this episode with a friend. Sharing Gabby's story and supporting her family is the best thing we can do in such a difficult time. Today's episode is a big one, and it speaks to something that I think about all the time. The strength and community of a club that nobody wants to be a part of. And it's the club of those of us who's lost a child. It's a club you never sign up for, you don't want to be in. But once you're in it, at least I find you're bound to the other members. So I'm here today with two women who are in that club with me. They have experienced this kind of loss and the grief and the heartbreak that follows. They haven't only experienced that privately, they have had to experience it publicly. Today's guests are Nicole Schmidt, Gabby Petito's mom, and Tara Petito, Gabby's stepmom. And I am so incredibly grateful to have you both here. Thank you for being part of a place of. Yes. And before we actually start, I just want to acknowledge your loss. I'm sorry. It sucks. And I wish you weren't in this club with me. I wish that we had gotten to know each other in some other format. But here we are, and I'd love the focus to be on your girl. Let's keep her alive. Let's keep her spirit with us. And Tara and I were talking a little bit before the show started, and she was thinking that Gabby would make her presence known somehow, so. So hopefully she will.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yes.

[Heather]

So welcome, ladies. Thank you for being here.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Thank you for having us.

[Tara Petito]

Thank you, Heather.

[Heather]

So let's start with. Tell me about Gabby. How would you describe her?

[Tara Petito]

So Gabby was a bright light. I know we say that all the time, but she really was. She would light up a room. Her presence would just make you smile. You could feel her presence, her laugh, her giggle. Like, I still try to pretend that I hear it because I miss it so much. She was a great big sister. She had three younger brothers and two younger sisters who drove her crazy. But she was such a. She was so good with them, especially with my oldest son, Joey. So I guess that would be her middle oldest brother. I don't know how to Say that they had a really special bond. They always were very close. Right from the. Right from the beginning. Right from when he was born. Gabby was just. Like I said, she just was this bright light in our life. She was an artist. She was a great friend. She could be fierce and stubborn all at the same time. She really didn't take a lot of bullshit ever. So she was just. Again, she was just amazing.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah. And to add to that, it's not that she just was an amazing person. She is an amazing spirit. Right now, she's doing things that she wouldn't have been able to do while she was here. She's saving lives. Her spirit is just everywhere. People feel her all over the world. It's pretty incredible. When someone from, like, Australia says, I felt Gabby's presence today, I believe them. I wholeheartedly believe them.

[Heather]

So it's interesting because. And I always start with, like, tell me about your person. Because, like, there's nothing I love more in life than to talk about Jake. And I think about what you just said, Nikki, about, you know, you guys have been mourning her and grieving her publicly because of the story and all of that. But there must be some comfort in that. Cause at first I was like, oh, that's gotta be so hard. Cause I think of myself, and I was such a mess, and I was just in front of people. But it's gotta feel kind of to have her, like, people in Australia be like, hey, Gaby's making a difference for me. Or, she showed up for me, or any of that.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah. I think it helps keep us going. It helps us through the grief. We're like, oh, she's still here. We can't physically hug her or laugh with her or walk her down the aisle someday. But she is still very much here in a different way.

[Heather]

I wholeheartedly agree with that. And I don't know that I did right in the beginning when Jake passed, but I do now 100%. And I don't know if it's like, our minds, right? Like, we have to figure out how to keep them close, but I think they do, too. I think they don't wanna miss out on lives. Right? Like, we miss them so much, but I believe they miss us, too.

[Tara Petito]

Yeah. I think that's why they come to us. They wanna make sure that they know that they let us know that they're still around. I think she always comes when we need her the most. She definitely knows when Nikki and I are traveling together. Cause every time we do, she will send us a sign she will send us something. And a lot of times she sen us each the same thing. Or she'll send Nikki something, and then she'll send me something. They can be completely different. I'm like, oh, I got this today. And they could be like, no, I got this. And I'm like, well, she now needs to send that to me. And Nikki says, well, she needs to send. I'm gonna ask for it too. And. And she normally is. Normally it's right on point. She always. She always makes sure that she sends us both. She's like, all right, I'm gonna get that to you. Don't worry. We say this thing all the time. Send us the signier sign. I want the signier sign. So she can say she can show us a million signs that day. And then I'm like, I want the sign of your sign. I want to really know that it's you. And she always is like, yeah, here. Here's the sign. Here.

[Heather]

So, like, you want validation? I want validation, yes. You're like, I need proof it's you.

[Tara Petito]

Yeah, exactly. I do love when she comes into our dreams. That's, I think, the hardest, because I find myself waking up crying, or I actually cry in my dreams. Last night, I was crying my dreams. But I feel like she comes and she holds me or hugs me some way, some form. As much as they make me cry, I want them.

[Heather]

Have you both have had her come in your dreams?

[Nicole Schmidt]

I don't have a lot of dreams. I've heard that if they know it's going to make you upset, they know not to visit you in your dreams because it. Because you don't really want to wake up. When you wake up, you're sad because you woke up. So that's what I've heard. I have had maybe two dreams, and one of them was, like, kind of a. Like a nightmary bad dream. I think that that's not one of my ways that she visits because she knows that I'll be sad when I wake up. So, yeah, she just chooses not to do that for me, but she does for the girls. She goes to her sisters all the time.

[Heather]

How old are they?

[Nicole Schmidt]

16 and 12.

[Heather]

But I think you're right. I think they come to us, A, when we need them, and B, it's different for people, and it's okay. Tara, you said you miss her laugh, and I have two questions with that. Nikki, what do you miss the most? And then also, do you have recordings? Like, do you have, like, recordings of her laugh and all of that? And do you play it?

[Nicole Schmidt]

We are very lucky. I would say the laugh's at the top of the list as well, because she just had this ridiculously funny laugh. And you can actually. Everybody can hear it because her very good friend Rose posted some TikTok videos. And Gabby just had this really silly laugh. And it was. You know, people joked with her because she had the kind of a deeper voice than you would expect. If you see her and then she talks, you're like, whoa, that voice is coming out of you. But, yeah, her laugh was just incredible. And the smile, she was just. She had this smile, like, her whole face smiled. You know, it wasn't just showing teeth like, her. Like, she lit up when she smiled. So, you know, just. Just miss hugging her and hearing her laugh and talking to her and. Yeah, just everything, I guess.

[Heather]

Everything. I don't know about you guys, but I find myself kind of reliving, like, the last days and the last moments. Even. Even 15 years later, like, I still can go in those, like, loops of just. And sometimes I find it really comforting, and sometimes I do it really deliberately. Like, I'll sit there and I'll try so hard to remember, like, how he felt and all of the things. And other times, it's harder to bring myself back there. But do you guys do that, too?

[Tara Petito]

Of course. Just the other day. This was yesterday, my son decided to stay home from school. He was having anxiety and couldn't sleep the night before, so he kind of climbed into bed. And he's 17, so he climbed into bed with me and kind of like, put his head, like, right here. And I'm like, gabby used to do that, too. Even at your age, she would always do it in the morning, and she would just climb up into bed. We would have, like, slumber parties where it was like all the kids were in the bed. I'm like, oh, my God, this is crazy. But it's something that I do miss. And I think she still would have at this age if she was still around, she still would climb into bed with us. So his presence reminded me of her doing it.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah, I do the same thing. The week that she stayed at my house before they left for the trip, she did sleep in my bed one night with me. And it was just. I'll. I'll cherish that forever because she hadn't done that in so long because she was living in Florida. So I was so happy that she was just kind of with me, you know? It was just amazing. I relived the hug that I gave her right before she left all the time. I could still feel it. It was a really good hug.

[Heather]

I love that. Like, when you close your eyes and you can still sort of, like, bring yourself right there. So you guys were in New York before she left? Is that true?

[Tara Petito]

Let's back. So when back in April, March, April East. I'll just say easter, Easter of 2021. My husband and I, Gabby's dad, went to Florida to visit her for Easter, and his uncle, we kind of stayed in between the two of them because we couldn't stay with her and we couldn't stay with the uncle. So we kind of stayed in between. It was a great trip. We spent so much time together. At that trip, Joey and I decided that we needed to be in Florida. We needed to move down to Florida. So when we drove. By the time we drove back up to New York, he had already had the transfer in. So when she started her trip, we were still in New York, but by. Well, Joey moved down June of 2021, and then I moved down in August of 2021. So I guess the start of the trip, yes, we were in New York. Joey was down here, but I was in New York. And then when we found out everything, we were already all here in Florida.

[Heather]

It's like those moments when you wonder. You wonder so much about, like, why shit happens to us and whatever, but, like, you move to be closer to her.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah.

[Heather]

And then those are the things I feel like sometimes I get stuck in. Obviously, there's the big things that you get stuck in, like, why did it happen? All of the whys. Right. And you can go down that rabbit hole. Why didn't I notice something? Why didn't I stop something? Why didn't I, you know, do any of these things? And I think about, like, even though our situations are different, right? Like, Jake was. He was really sick, and he had all these medical challenges and medical complications, but I fight so hard to have that not be, like, how he's remembered or who he is. And I feel like, kind of the same with you guys. Like, you're trying to keep Gabby alive. Like, not about what happened to her. We're not our stories, we're not like that. We're who we are, and that's who we should sort of honor and be. It doesn't make it easier to weed through the whys.

[Tara Petito]

I try to stay away from the rabbit holes. Gabby and I were fighting before everything.

[Heather]

You were? Before she left.

[Tara Petito]

Before she had left, yes. Even though we decided to move down here to Be closer with her. We were actually. Were fighting. I had co Signed a car for her, and I think this was a sign that I missed. She stopped paying it and she returned the car. And I spent a lot of money returning the car. So I was like, why am I paying this and you're going on a trip? Why did I pay for this? It was $3,500. I paid for the car for I don't know how long. And I didn't understand why she wasn't. And I kept saying, like, well, why isn't he helping her? Like, they're supposed to be a couple. So I think that was something that I had missed. And I was just getting angry with her. Me not realizing the entire picture of what was actually really transpar. But if I go down that rabbit hole, it's just not a good spot for me to go. So I try to say to her and talk to her and say, you know, I forgive you. And I'm like, I know that the reasons why you are behaving that way. I hope you forgive me and kind of just talk it out that way and then. And then just move past it. Because going back, would I change the way that I was behaving? Maybe I would change the way to try to look at the bigger picture, but I didn't know the bigger picture. And I think that makes us fight harder for the advocacy and awareness for domestic violence and think that's another reason why we need to get that prevention into the youth. But to go down that rabbit hole is not something I want to do.

[Heather]

No, for sure, because I have like, episodes every, like, so often where I find myself. You know, you go, you don't want to go down those rabbit holes, but it's inevitable. And you end up going down them. But then it's like, you need to figure out how to get yourself out of them. And when it comes to my grief, I have rules. Because if I don't, there is zero chance of survival sometimes, right? Like, it's like if you. If you don't make an active effort to get out of the rabbit hole or the whys, or if you don't know to keep yourself out of them, you can just get stuck in them. And I always say, like, we do what we can with what we've got at that time, right? Like, you're pissed off cause your adult daughter is making an annoying choice, right? Like, I think about it with my son all the time. And if you knew the big picture, you of course you would have done things differently. But, like, like you said, if you went to go back, you were doing what you thought was the right thing to do, and it's so hard. When she left on the trip, how did you feel when she was like, I'm gonna van life. I'm gonna vlog. I'm gonna go across the country. Were you excited for her? Were you nervous? Were you? All of the above.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I mean, I was probably both, I think. You know, I was like, oh, my gosh, why is she doing this? She hasn't even started school yet. She doesn't know what she wants to do. But at the same time, I'm like, God, I wish I had done this, because we all say, someday we're gonna do this, and we don't. So I had a long talk with her, and I said, you know what?

[Tara Petito]

I.

[Nicole Schmidt]

If you can do it and you've planned it out correctly and you have the money saved up and, you know, you're prepared. And she was. She was a planner. I said, well, I envy you. Take it now, because you're not going to do it. If you wait, you're probably not going to. So if you can do it, do it. I was blown away at how fast it happened, though, because she wanted to take a couple years to really save up and plan, and it happened rather quickly, so. And now we know why it happened so quickly. But, you know, it was just very much like, wow, it's already. It's already going to happen. But again, I supported her 100%.

[Heather]

It's got to be so hard, because I just know in my own story, like, if you could change something, you would have, and you just. It's just getting stuck there. What is. What has been the most helpful for you guys in coping with this loss? How do you do it? Like, what's your day to day?

[Nicole Schmidt]

I think one is, we have each other. Not all parents have four parents to lean on, so there's four of us. So that's very helpful because sometimes I'm having a day and I let Tara know, and she's like, okay, you take a day, and she picks up the pieces of. You know, because we're very busy with the foundation, and, you know, it's the same for all of us. We just kind of are there for each other and worrying about our other kids, making sure they know that they're still here and they're important. It's not all about Gabby and what happened to her and her legacy, but they are very much still number one to us.

[Heather]

I think the siblings, it's hard, right? Like, it's, like. Because I worry sometimes that Ethan's living in the shadow of his dead brother. You know, I just. It's.

[Tara Petito]

It's.

[Heather]

They're competing with. It's a competition they can't win sometimes, and I think it's just really hard. So I think it's like. I don't know. It's a weird way to say it, but sometimes I feel like that's what's in his head.

[Tara Petito]

Well, and my son has the same name as my husband, so he's. He's a junior, so that name, too, is very hard. So when he goes out, he knows that people know his name no matter where he goes, no matter what he does now, he knows that whenever he goes for a job, they're going to know who he is just because of his dad. Because my. It happens to my husband all the time. I mean, it happens to us, too. They know who we, you know, we are, but they really. We've kept the kids out of the spotlight, so that's going to be. That's something that's really been difficult. But, yeah, we try to focus. I try. I try to focus on them. I try to make sure that they know we're here for them. I let them grieve as much as they need to grieve. Like I said, my son had an anxiety attack, and he's like, I just can't go to school today. And I'm like, all right, well, you can take your day. That's fine. Like, you're. You're allowed to have that space. Maybe teachers might not like it, but his mental health means more to me than anything.

[Nicole Schmidt]

So Gabby's life wasn't just taken. The way that we live the rest of our lives was completely changed. You know, our kids are never going to trust anyone. Well, maybe they will. We have to work through. I mean, it's going to be so hard for them. They had. They have to change the way that the course of their life is. It's really, really hard to navigate that and understand that based on what happened to us.

[Tara Petito]

But I definitely parent differently. I think sometimes Gabby's like, really? Like, you would never have let me get away with that, but you let Joey get away with that.

[Heather]

Like, so do you. Do you think you're a little more lenient sometimes? Because I was wondering if you're like, if it's the other way. If you're like, no, you can do absolutely nothing.

[Tara Petito]

No, I'm more lenient because I want them to know that they can be happy and live a life. I mean, I don't want to hold them. So I think I'm a little bit more lenient than I was before.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I think it's both. Right. Like, I, I, I'm more lenient and I'm more. If they want something, I'm like, you know, yeah, it's not a big deal. Like, in the grand scheme of things, if you want to order Ubereats, I'm not gonna be upset over that. Just little things, you know, it's just so hard because I want to keep them safe. So, like, my son, he's 21, still living at home, and I'm like, you can basically stay home forever because I don't want you to go anywhere, you know? And he knows that he's probably milking that. So.

[Heather]

So it makes me think of two things. One is, I struggle with that a lot. Like, I. And kind of like what you said, you know, your son's 21, Ethan's 20. Like, I get so scared. I think I'm curious if you guys feel this too or. Cause this is one of the things I kind of keep in my head. But I am terrified of something happening to Ethan.

[Tara Petito]

Yes.

[Heather]

And I'm terrified always. Right? Like always.

[Tara Petito]

Always.

[Heather]

It's the number one sort of like my own mental health thing that I have to work on. I don't necessarily. And obviously it's part of the grief, but it's the one thing that I have to work the hardest at because I could go down that rabbit hole of what if something happened to him, knowing I could never survive this a second time. It's such hard work to not live in that fear all the time.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah. I won't let my 16 year old get her permit because I'm like, you're not ready to drive. And I'm secretly like, she's never going to drive.

[Heather]

I beat it. It's. And it's funny, my husband would kind of balance me sometimes. Cause I was like, ethan, you don't wanna drive, Let your friends drive. You know, I was kinda. And he was like. And he was the kid that like, literally turned 16 and we had to go get the permit. And then once he had the exact amount of time, like registered for the test, like, all he wanted to do was drive it. I was like a bundle of nerves, you know, and it was trying to find that balance.

[Nicole Schmidt]

But the problem is when we teach, we talk about Gabby and people say, well, what's a message that would be from Gabby? And it's like, be Fearless. She had like this attitude about life, like she was just gonna go for it. She had very fearless attitude. And me, I'm, you know, I'm the one that's like home watching Netflix. I'm not worried about putting myself in any kind of danger. But she was like, I'm gonna go travel. And I would have never done that at her age. So she did have a way. And she wouldn't want us to live like that either. So we've gotten better. We travel a lot now.

[Tara Petito]

We always traveled a lot. I think that's where she got that little edge to travel. We went to Costa Rica, we went ziplining. She went scuba diving a bunch of times in the Bahamas. I mean, I think she even went when she. We were in Cancun. So we did a bunch of different things. And it was like, I was always like, I want a vacation. I would do anything to go on a vacation. I'll do anything to go on the next adventure. I'm going. But now, after I have calmed down now I'm like, I guess we travel so much with the foundation. It's like, all right, well, I don't now I'm more of that person that wants to sit and watch Netflix because it's not that I'm fearful, it's just I don't have the energy. I think I'm just emotionally drained and tired a lot that I just don't have that. That same drive. Going back to the whole driving bit, though, I am teaching my 17 year old how to drive right now. It is the scariest. It's terrifying ever. I'm like, he's getting there, he's getting there. But it's scary.

[Heather]

It's wild though, right? Like the first time when we were talking before you said this too. And I love that you always talk about, like, Gabby had four parents and you guys have each other through this to kind of lean on each other and to kind of tag team. Like, if you're not feeling well, then someone else jumps in. Have you guys always been this close? Because that's really special. Like, this is special. Being able to have like mom and stepmom together and talk and run a foundation and do these things. Like, have you always been that way or.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I wish that we were.

[Tara Petito]

I think Gabby knew something more than we did because she always wanted this. She always wanted us all to be together. She wanted us to live under one roof together. We weren't as close, but we always worked together for Gabby.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah. We were just busy living our lives, you know, Everybody worked and raising kids, and Gabby would go to her dad's, and, you know, she lived there for a little bit at certain points, and we kind of just like, whatever. Like, we just were raising this girl together.

[Tara Petito]

We only lived, like, 15 minutes apart from each other. So it wasn't like it was that difficult. It wasn't like it was an hour or two. You know, we. Yeah, it was real easy. I could just go. If we were doing something. I'm like, all right, I'm picking her up. You know, before she started driving and. Same thing either way. So Nikki was never like, oh, I'm not picking her up, but you're. You have to do it. Like, she was like, I'm gonna come get her. Like, if you guys can. Yeah, sure. Okay. You know, so we were very. I guess we worked. We always worked together right from the start. Like, even when Joey and I first started dating. Maybe you knew something more than I knew because you were very trusting right from the beginning. Like, you were like, I can pick her up too. It's okay. Yeah.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I just wanted. I wanted what was best for Gabby. I didn't want her to not see her dad or her dad's family. Like, if Joe couldn't see her on the weekend that he's supposed to have her and he was working, I would take him to his. Take her to his mom's house so she could be a grandmother. Family is important, so I wanted to make sure that that was always a thing. And, I mean, Tara seemed wonderful right from the beginning. It wasn't anything about her I didn't. Like, I didn't know that you guys were going to stay together and get married, but I was happy that you did. That was great.

[Tara Petito]

And I was. I'm a stepchild, so having. And my father left. My father wasn't around at all, so my. My. My stepfather was my dad. So seeing how Joe was with his daughter, it made me love him even more. I'm like, well, people are like, why are you with a man with a kid and you're 19 years old. Why are you with somebody with a kid? And I'm like, well, he didn't leave her, and she's beautiful. So what's the matter?

[Heather]

I was thinking about what you were saying and what we were all saying about, like, how we parent and how you live with this, how you live with what we've gone through and how you still kind of, at least on the surface level, try to be normal. Right. Because that's kind of the balance with grief, is like you try to be a normal, productive member of society when sometimes it's the last thing you want to do. I think a lot about the kids, you know, on both sides and living in the shadow. Do you think that what happened with Gabby impacts their relationships? Like, because it's, you know, we talked about from the mom point of view where you kind of want to keep them close and safe. But then it's the juxtaposition of keeping Gabby's memory alive and her saying, be fearless.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Luckily, my 16 year old is kind of a homebody and doesn't get out much, so she's not really dating or anything yet. And my 21 year old, he's seeing somebody right now and I'm kind of like, who is this person? You know, so I need to just relax and let them kind of go through the regular life motions and just let them know that they can come talk to me if they're feeling like anything's weird or, you know, I mean, I'll always have like a hawkeye on what's going on, but I think I want to let them kind of be as normal as possible. I do think they're going to have trust issues. I think that'll always be there. We'll just have to take it as it comes.

[Tara Petito]

I would say my, my 13 year old has already come to me and I know has had trust issues. He doesn't have a girlfriend or anything. He doesn't want a relationship. I'm like, he's only 13, so thankfully. But he has come to me and said things. I don't want to say what they are for his future. And I'm like, I tried to explain it to him. I said, if you don't want to talk to me, he does go to therapy. I'm like, you can talk to your therapist about it.

[Nicole Schmidt]

My 12 year old, she has really severe anxiety. If she can't, if she can't map me on the apple, you know, the find my phone, like find my friend. We all can see each other and she gets very upset if mine turns off. You know, I've talked to her, I said, listen, you know, every time we go away, we know we talk to her multiple times, text her constantly, you know, to check on everything. But it's hard to see her like live so, with so much anxiety.

[Heather]

You know, it's hard when you are dealing with stuff and then you're also like the person in charge of other people. So talk to me. And again, I, and then I want to also touch base a little Bit about how you guys have had to do this so publicly and if that has made it harder or worse, like, how is the media? Like, has that. You know, your kids are under scrutiny, I imagine, all the time. And like you said, Tara, like, your son's name is Gabby's dad's name. Like, it's. You can't escape it.

[Tara Petito]

I mean, I am normally the person. Like I said before, I like spreadsheets. I like to sit and just work and not really. I'm not a social. Like, I am a social person when I'm with my friends, but I'm not like, out there. I'm not like, I would never be a journalist or any type of. So that part is very difficult. Public speaking was never something that I ever thought I would ever have to do, nor wanted to do. I still struggle with. With doing that. It's just, It's. It's. It is hard. Navigate. Navigating. It is hard. Again, we have four parents that have helped, I guess each. We've helped each other navigate through the media. Thankfully, Joey can speak a lot. He. That's his profession. He loves. He can speak to 200 people. He can speak to a thousand people. He doesn't. He doesn't care. So he took over that part of it where I didn't have to in the beginning, and I still sometimes don't want to. But I know it's for the better good. And that's why I will put my feelings aside on how I feel about it and just. And just do it, because I would be more disappointed with myself if I didn't do it. So that's. But it's difficult. It's difficult to be in that spotlight. It brings back. I mean, the Netflix documentary just came out in February. It just stirs up a lot of emotions. It retriggers triggers. Re triggers you. It's just. It's. It's hard again. So that thankfully, with the four. Four of us, if I'm like, Joe, I need, or Nikki, I'm like, I'm not. I'm gonna take a break today. I'm gonna go take a nap. We try to make sure that we take time for ourselves to heal too. And sometimes that is taking a nap or that is just disassociating for a little while. I try not to get stuck in that disassociation and. But sometimes it's necessary and I do need it. I just. I say it's like riding the wave. You have to. Some are. Some are harder than others.

[Heather]

Did you watch, like when it came out, did you guys watch it?

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah, we got to see it before it was aired publicly. Just a few days, though. So it was a lot to process in a few days. And then during that time, we, you know, they had flown us up to New York to do the 2020 episode, and. And then it came out like, that next day, and we were kind of like, just traveling still, so we weren't really present for the actual release of it. I feel like we were kind of just keeping busy. And I honestly disconnected that whole week. I was just focusing on stuff that had to be done with the foundation. And then all the requests started coming in. Everybody, the media people were contacting us. We want to interview. And I was like, we did some of them. But I was like, this is too much. We've already heard the story. I mean, at this point, we're just talking about how it was to do the documentary, and I was feeling a little overwhelmed. I think we all were. We were like, whoa. We weren't expecting this whole wave to come over us. We're doing better now. It's been a few months, so we've, you know, it's calmed down and we're kind of just back in the game, back out there going and speaking. And we just talked to a school this morning. We're going to go to a high school, and we love doing stuff like that because that's the important stuff.

[Heather]

So talk about what you do with the foundation. Like. Like, and what you did this morning. I think that's. That's awesome. Like, that's. That's the good work, right? Like, that is, like, a horrible thing happens, but there could be this light, and that's kind of the light.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah, it totally is. It's Gabby's light. It's her legacy. We're out there teaching not only audiences of advocates in law enforcement and all that, we're also wanting to teach the kids. And that's where our prevention work will grow. We want to get eventually into elementary level. Right now. We've gotten to go to a couple of colleges, and we've been to one high school so far, and we just got invited to another one, so we're working our way in.

[Heather]

So when you go, what do you speak about? Do you speak. Do you tell Gabby's story, or do you speak specifically about what to look for or signs or like. Or all of the above?

[Tara Petito]

So I think it's different than what type of conference or if we. I mean, for a high school, we're going to talk about the red flags, obviously, I think when we go up to the school, the next that we just talked to this morning, I think we'll talk about how social media. Gabby looks so happy. But there was a lot going on behind the scenes. I think a lot of kids think, oh, they're on social media, they're happy, they're doing their thing. But there's a lot that goes behind the scenes as well. But again, there's also the red flags, like the love bombing. Charming. Trying to win you over. Isolation, I mean, it starts, it's a process. It's not always physical. So I think that's one thing we'll talk about. Also protecting your airway, I think Gabby, because she was strangled to death. That's something I think is important because I don't think a lot, a lot of people do not know how dangerous it really is. Even if it's just for, to, for pleasure or to mess around or a TikTok challenge or whatever it is, it's never safe to do. So I think that's something that I would like to talk about in a way that's not going to like, it's going to scare them, but not scare them, I guess.

[Heather]

No, I mean, even just for me, I think it's so smart because it is. You know, I kind of took a pause there because I was like, wait, what would I do? How would I do that? You're right. That is something that we all should know how to do, particularly as women. Whether you're walking down the street or, you know, I mean, like, or like you said, all of the different ways, like I. That's important.

[Tara Petito]

Well, there was a TikTok challenge, I think recently or, I don't know, it might have been years ago, and recently about choking someone out. They do it in jiu jitsu, they do it in martial arts. It's never, it's never safe to do it. I mean, yeah, but when you're doing it, you can tap like. But still, it's never safe. There's even like on dating apps now, there's like, do you like to be strangled? That's, that's a question like people put.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Out there something that's good to know. Law, law wise, in almost every state is you cannot consent to being strangled when even if someone's doing it and they're saying, yes, do it. To me, it's still against the law. You cannot consent to being strangled. It's important to know. And if people have died thinking that they're doing it for, you know, funsies and they end up not waking up.

[Heather]

I think going into the schools and having those conversations. And you. You touched on social media, and I think that's such a. You know. And you can speak so specifically about it, right? Like. Cause we've all seen those videos of Gabby and the smiles. It's like when she was looking into the camera, it's like she was looking directly at everybody who watched. You know what I mean? Like, she had that way of connecting. And I do think that. That now I sound like I'm 100, but like, this younger generation, like, that is how they connect. And I've had conversations with Ethan about, you have to. Not everybody is that happy. And they're only showing you the good parts and they think it's all real.

[Tara Petito]

Yeah, Well, I think, too, for our generation, it was magazines. You're not going to look as perfect as a magazine because that's them at their best. You're never going to look that way. So I think we did kind of have it, but it just wasn't in our face 24 7. Like, it is, like, they bring it home.

[Heather]

What is your favorite part about the work with the foundation?

[Nicole Schmidt]

My favorite part is, and Tara will probably agree, but when we get stories that start with because of Gabby, and they'll say something along the lines, because of Gabby, I'm alive because I left my abuser. You know, like, she inspired me to leave. And of course, we don't encourage anyone to ever just leave. You need a safety plan. That is number one, that is key. There's help out there. So that's not something people do typically safely. You have to. You have to plan it. But we just love those stories, or even if they're like, because of Gabby and what you're doing with the foundation, you've inspired me to go into social work or to become a therapist or become an advocate for domestic violence or become a missing person's advocate. Just to hear people say that we've inspired them or Gabby has, it just. It gives us a reason to keep going.

[Heather]

I mean, that's beautiful. I think that's gotta make such a difference, like, to know that. I mean, it's one of those ways where it's. Maybe it's. I don't know if it's a sign or not, but it's one of those ways that, like you said, like, when. In the beginning, when you were like, oh, there's people reaching out from Australia. Like, her impact is so vast.

[Tara Petito]

I mean, we just got a store order, too. I mean, from Japan. So she's even in Japan. That was cool, actually. I think it was really cool.

[Heather]

How do you balance the hatred or the. Because I don't really want to talk about him, but how do you not live in that anger so much?

[Tara Petito]

I just don't think about him. Yeah, I don't think. I try not to think about him or his parents. I just want to erase them from my memory, and I just. I don't think about them. I try not to focus on them at all.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I took a different approach than the other parents. I'm the odd one out. I actually forgave him, and I did that because I felt like I needed to release him from my anger and my thoughts about him and what he did, and I wanted to stop thinking about all that, so I forgave him. I do have a different feeling for the other people involved. That's really hard for me to grasp. And knowing that people knew certain things and they're not held accountable, that. That really bothers me. I just feel like there's a lot of injustice in that. So I. I just. Again, like, Tara, I try not to think about them because I don't need to feel that way every day. But sometimes it pops your mind, and you're like, oh, I just want to, like, get some justice somehow. Like, how can I get my.

[Tara Petito]

Yeah, I still want them to be. I would still like for them to be arrested somehow, some way.

[Heather]

I. I would be like, yeah, I.

[Tara Petito]

Would find complete joy in that. Do I think it's gonna happen? Unfortunately, no. I think if we try to push it, maybe. I have no idea. I would be very happy if it happened. I just don't try to think about it, but I am very. You know, when I do ride that wave sometimes, and they. You know, I want that justice in other ways, too. I don't want to talk about this because it's a little. Little sick.

[Heather]

And how did you find forgiveness? Did you do that? Just within.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I did it within, but I also publicly did it, so I was able to. We. We actually, Tara, I, myself, and a few other victims got to read our victim impact statements publicly. And it was incredible, actually. I thought it was gonna be hard to get through, but I got through it, and Tara got through hers, and we felt so good afterwards. We were like, we never will have the opportunity in a courtroom. So it felt amazing to be able to, like, let it out. And I really. I really laid it into.

[Tara Petito]

Roberta, you definitely. So I actually read a victim impact statement for Netflix. Then they interviewed me. But they did not put that in there. So I will get it out eventually. It is going to get out there and it. I dig into them just as much. But I could. I wasn't able to say it at. We said it at Crimecon, so I was not able to do it there. But I will. It will come out, trust me.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Well, we have a book coming out, the four of us together.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Tara Petito]

So that's where I'm gonna go.

[Heather]

Okay. There you go.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Nine months or so. Eight. Nine months or beginning of 20, 26, we will be hopefully releasing.

[Heather]

If you could say, like, if you had, you know, if speaking to my audience, like, who is most of my audience is pretty connected to grief, but also connected in the idea of living with grief and doing something good with it. Right. Like, you know, one of those lines, it's like, you know, taking your pain into purpose. Or we have our kind of. One of our taglines is channeling our grief for good. What message would you give them?

[Nicole Schmidt]

Like, well, first I'd like to say you are allowed to have good days, you're allowed to have great days. You're allowed to laugh, smile, have fun and continue on with your life. That's what your loved one would want for you. Self care is number one. Always put self care first. I think a lot of times we get wrapped up in what we're doing and I know sometimes Tara and I will be like, oh, we're so tired. We've done some. Sometimes we just have to like, stop and be like, you know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm going to get a facial on Friday actually. I'm like, I need to take a break. Yeah, I'm gonna do that. But yeah, always putting yourself first. If you're feeling like overwhelmed and you don't have to put your pain into purpose, you don't have to do that. And that's okay too. If you're just like, I just kind of want to go back to normal. If whatever that is for you, that's okay. You don't have to start a foundation. You don't have to, you know, do something crazy. It could just be kind of living your day to day life in the best way you can.

[Heather]

So I actually love that because I think sometimes there's such like, it's like beating over people's heads that you have to, you know, channel your grief for good or put your pain into purpose. And I always try to be really frank with it. It's like for me, it's been a little bit of a lifesaver. It's not all, like, sometimes I tune out. Like, sometimes I am not able to do the work. And sometimes I, like, have to stay in bed or go for a walk or go on a vacation or turn off my cell phone or, you know, whatever that is. And that's all.

[Tara Petito]

There's days I wake up or at night, I have an anxiety. I'm like, I don't want to do that. This. And we don't have to. We don't have, like, there. We can take a break. We can't do everything in a day. We can't. So we just have to take every day as it is, and if we can get through what we can get through, because how else are we going to keep going? I think for me, it was always making sure that the kids were happy. To show them that they can have happiness. That was my. My biggest thing is that they can have happiness, that we can still go on trips, we can still have fun, we can still smile. Gabby is riding along with us. She's going to send us signs. She'll be there with us. Even when Nikki and I go to speak on conferences, I'm like, we're taking time for ourselves. Like, we're going to do something for. For us. We're in another state. We can explore. We're. We're allowed to take a day. We don't have to stay at the conference the entire time. We can take a time for ourselves and explore.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Gabby would really appreciate that because I was never one to stop and, like, take. Take things in. I was always just, like, going for us to go do our important work and then say, okay, we're in this other state. Let's go find something really cool to do. We do it every single time. And it's so much. It's so. It makes it worth it even more so. Yeah.

[Heather]

So you have a big fundraiser coming up in New York. It is for the foundation. Talk to the audience. Because this is going to come out May 8, and we have a lot of listeners and I think maybe some of them would. Would be able to show up.

[Tara Petito]

So it's. It's June 6th. It's in Mount Sinai. It's at the Willow Creek Golf Club in New York. It's on long. Is there is golf. I think registration starts at 11, and then we're going to have a dinner afterwards. If you do not play golf, you can just get a dinner ticket. That's fine. We have those available as well. You can do an individual. Just. You go and play and we'll set you up with other players. Or you could do a foursome, or you could. We have a couple sponsorships still available. If you can't make it to golf, we have a tea sponsor or a court sponsor. So there's different levels where you just want to help, help us for our cause. And again, if you can't show up, but again, you get a little something out of it with that. So.

[Heather]

So we will put that in the show notes. But can you share your website and all the stuff where people could find that?

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah, if you go to gabbypetitofoundation.org you can go to events and just find our events there. We have a few things coming up, like Tara said. So June and then September, we have a run coming up, which a lot of people love on Long Island.

[Tara Petito]

And you can also just go to our Facebook page, Gabby Petito Foundation. And it's. It's all. It's all there.

[Nicole Schmidt]

If we can empower young people with the tools to not only recognize signs in another person, but also recognize signs in themselves, maybe they can see I'm showing some of these signs. I'm behaving this way, we can kind of prevent across the board, somebody from being an abuser as well as becoming the abused. So it's just. I think it's an important tool for us to be able to get into the youth, into their schools and programs. If there's like YMCA programs, big Brothers, big Sisters, like any of those, where we can talk to kids and empower them with the knowledge that they need.

[Heather]

And you said something right there that I think about too, because it's not just about teaching the young girls and the women about recognizing the signs, right? It's. As a mother of a son, it's always been about making sure he understands. You know what I mean? Like, you teach the respect and you teach them not to. You know, you just said it more eloquently than I. But it's like how you teach yourself not to be abused or the abuser, right? Like, it's. They're important conversations. I'm so impressed that you guys are out there doing this and are making this difference in getting there and having these conversations. Cause it's gotta be bittersweet. It's gotta sort of like, you've gotta feel really good about it, but there's also gotta be a little feeling, right? Like, I say it all the time, like, I wish I wasn't doing this. Like, I wasn't. I wish I wasn't making such a great impact on people with medical challenges. I wish I was just Jake's mom.

[Tara Petito]

I mean, we're missing out on so many things, and that's the hardest part. My niece is getting married in October. I'm so happy for her. Kids Gabby's age. I say kids, she would have been a young adult her age or getting married and having babies. And that's something that we'll never get from her.

[Nicole Schmidt]

One of her friends from high school sent me a photo of one of the friends in the group had had a baby, and I wasn't expecting it to affect me the way it did. And I was just like, wow, I'm not gonna have that. Gabby's never gonna have that. And, you know, it hits you in a different way. And then with the wedding that Tara and Jo are going to, and Joe's actually officiating a wedding.

[Tara Petito]

Yeah. She asks because Joe. Yeah, she asked Joe to officiate.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I'm like, how?

[Tara Petito]

I don't know how you're gonna do.

[Heather]

It, but you're heartbroken, too. Yeah, you're kind of heartbroken. I feel like Gabby must really, just based on what you've said, like, she just must love that you guys are working together and that, you know, it's really genuine, like, sitting here having this conversation. You can tell it's not fake. You can tell it's really. You guys really care about each other and get along and are united by Gabby. And I feel like that's really beautiful. And I feel like she must love that.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I hope so. I think so. I mean, she always wanted us to live together, so, yeah, she knew something better.

[Tara Petito]

More than we did growing up. She knew that this should happen. We should have right from the get go, all hung out like this. And it was something that she always wished for.

[Heather]

Well, she's got it now, so I think that. That it certainly counts for something. So one of the things that I have had, like, so there, you know, we didn't really talk about, but there's, like, the anniversaries. There is the days that we have lost them. There is holidays, and I'm curious how you guys handle those. And Mother's Day is I find the hardest of the holidays. Cause I find, like, I'm trying to be pleasant for everybody else, but I really. It's the one day I do want to crawl into a bowl, like, into a ball, and just sort of like. Like ignore everybody. But how do you guys, individually or together, handle birthdays, death days, Mother's Day.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Any of these Mother's Day, I Feel similar. I kind of want to just stay in bed and let me just be. And I don't have any explanation for why I feel that way. I just do because I have. You know, obviously we have other kids and, you know, we're moms, and it's just a strange feeling. But, yeah, it's just the day where like. Like, this is my day, so I'm choosing to do this and I want to do that. But I think last Mother's Day, we actually went out and ate dinner together at a restaurant by the beach. So that was nice. The anniversary of her. Of her murder to the day she was found on September 19th. Like, that whole period of time is difficult for us. I think we all kind of shut down those few weeks where we're like, this was when we went through hell. And we're kind of like reliving it because we know when it happened and it's hard. Her birthday. I think I do better on her birthday. We. We tend to post for the foundation we'll. In her name for people to do something in her name for her birthday. It kind of keeps it more light.

[Tara Petito]

But, yeah, we also have a bench that we can go to. It's. It is in Northport, Florida. Sometimes we'll. We head there.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Right. To the laundry house?

[Tara Petito]

Yeah, it's right there, but it's free. It's not too far from there, so it's very peaceful. We'll go there. We'll have lunch. Sometimes we'll go there and just sit. What. The first year we released butterflies there, and then we went to the beach right after. So there's certain things that we will do. I think it's not always easy to do that every year, unfortunately, we try to keep busy and keep our minds off of things because it is. It's. It's too hard. Mother's Day, I just want to go to the beach. I just want to put my feet in the sand. I want to, like, feel the water. I want to, like, just veg out and not, like, have anybody near me. I guess that's. That's kind of like a happier place for me. So I feel like some type of peace there. Her birthday depends. I think this year was harder because the Netflix documentary just came out and we didn't really get to go to the bench this year for her birthday. So I think that was something that was. It was.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I feel like I went this year and. You went last year.

[Tara Petito]

We went last year.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Tara Petito]

So sometimes we've gone together. Definitely August 27th to September 19th. Those are the. Those are the hardest days because those are the days that, like Nikki said, we went. We went through hell.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Things don't feel real in those moments. Like, you just, like, what happened? Why are we here?

[Heather]

Like, you know, like, how can this be? Like, how can this be my life?

[Tara Petito]

Yeah, your brain is going and you're thinking all of these thoughts and it's like, oh, my God, you know, like, she's not here with us.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Like, she's.

[Tara Petito]

But nobody around you knows that. So I feel like sometimes it's very lonely. It's a lonely. It's a lonely feeling. You know, obviously Nikki understands that or, you know, you and the people that are a part of that club. But friends that are not, that I obviously don't want them to ever be a part of, but they don't. They don't. They don't guess that part.

[Nicole Schmidt]

I wanted to mention that too. With you brought up friends, things have been so strange since everything happened. I feel like there's friendships that were lost. There was even family relationships that were lost for whatever reason. I don't know. I don't. I don't know if people are uncomfortable with us now not knowing how to talk to us or thinking we don't want to do normal things anymore. I. I don't know what it is, but I think that's a huge thing that people go through after they lose, especially a child. You don't even think about that, but it happens.

[Tara Petito]

So I think it's us too, though. I think, like, for me, I'm like. Because friends do act differently, but it's. Sometimes I just don't want to do certain things anymore.

[Heather]

I don't know if it's the same for you guys or not, but I have definitely had. Where, like, people just avoid talking about Jake, you know, and then you're kind of like. But no, like, it feels weird if we're just, like, pretending he never existed. So, like, you wanna talk about him, right? And I think people tiptoe around that because they're. And like you said, they just don't know how to act. And then the flip side of that, I kind of agree with you too, Tara. Sometimes. Because sometimes I'm like, well, I don't want to explain it to you. Then, like, if I have to teach you how to be around me, well, then I'm too tired. Yeah.

[Tara Petito]

And then you go on sometimes. And for us, like, I mean, people will ask us. They just ask me question after question after question about what's going on with certain Things. And I'm like. I mean, sometimes I don't mind. I really, really don't mind. But sometimes I'm like, I'm still a person. Like, this is not my. This is not my whole.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Yeah.

[Tara Petito]

Being too. Like, I. I do have other things that are me, that make me me. So that we can talk about other.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Things, especially in public settings, especially at conferences and where we speak week is people will ask us a million questions and. Or they'll tell us, and I'm totally fine and welcoming of it. Like, they'll come and they'll talk about their experiences with domestic violence, or they're missing. Their loved one is missing, and it's great. But then we get very overwhelmed. It's. It can be uncomfortable sometimes, but we do feel like we're doing a good thing, so we kind of let it happen.

[Tara Petito]

Yeah, we. We definitely let it. We're like, all right, well, this is. It's for the greater good. Sometimes I try to, like, I push my feelings aside and I'll take care of me when I need to take care of me.

[Heather]

It's heavy, though, right, though? Because you're not only carrying the burden of your loss, you then feel like you're carrying everyone else's. Let's all give one takeaway of Mother's Day, and mine would be be okay with whatever you need to do and find that and don't go down a rabbit hole about it.

[Tara Petito]

Like, you said, you could do whatever that makes you happy or whatever feels right for you, and that's the only way to get through the day. That's the only way to get through the day. If you wanna go to. I wanna go to the beach. If you wanna go, do it.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Pick your thing. Have a choice. Make a choice. Don't make it about making everybody else happy. Do what you have to do and just verbalize that ahead of time. Say, this is what I'm going to need, because this is what I need in this moment, in this day, for me.

[Heather]

Ladies, thank you so much for being on this podcast with me, for talking with me, for being so open and so gracious to our questions. I appreciate you both very much. I have loved talking with you. I wish that we. We're talking, you know, I wish we met under different circumstances, for sure. I'm grateful that you shared stories about Gabby, and I'm just grateful that you joined us on this show. So thank you.

[Nicole Schmidt]

Thank you so much for letting us.

[Tara Petito]

Thank you for inviting us on.

[Heather]

Thank you for listening to A Place of. Yes, please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend. It was would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell. Thank you so much for watching.