Grieving Through Song: A Musician’s Journey After Losing His Son

Summary

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Podcast Summary: A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast

Episode: Grieving Through Song: A Musician’s Journey After Losing His Son

Host: Heather Straughter (Jake’s Help From Heaven)
Guest: Jeff Brisbane
Date: October 15, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this deeply moving episode, host Heather Straughter welcomes musician Jeff Brisbane for an honest exploration of parental grief, healing, and remembrance after the loss of his son, Josh, to suicide fourteen years ago. Together, they discuss the ongoing evolution of grief, the unique ways their children’s memories persist, and the integral role music has played in Jeff’s survival and honoring of Josh’s memory. The conversation is raw, compassionate, and filled with practical wisdom for anyone navigating loss.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introducing Jeff and Remembering Josh

• Starting on a Light Note: Heather asks Jeff about something he’s recently said “yes” to, emphasizing the importance of embracing joy amid sorrow.
• Portrait of Josh: Jeff offers vivid stories of Josh’s personality—quiet, introspective, with a sharp wit, the youngest boy among six siblings, and a computer enthusiast.
  • Favorite Memories: Family Christmases and small, quirky traditions, such as calling out “Joshes!” across campus. (02:33)
  • Jeff: “He’d be sitting over there when his brothers would get going, and they'd make him laugh, and then he'd come out with a zinger.” (01:56)

The Day of Loss and Early Grief

• The Shock of That Night: Jeff recounts receiving the call about Josh’s death while finishing a music gig. The crushing pain and disbelief remain visceral.
  • Jeff: “I just screamed and I went in the parking lot... and just was calling the rest of my kids once I got myself together.” (06:28)
• Josh’s Death by Suicide: Details of Josh’s method, the aftermath, and the note he left: “I am worthless.” (12:20)
• Raw Parental Pain: Jeff shares the challenges—guilt, self-blame (“I fought that for two years” (08:50)), and the toll of feeling powerless.

The Ongoing Tides of Grief

• Ever-Present Loss: Both Heather and Jeff describe the unpredictable nature of grief—how waves of sadness strike, even after years.
  • Jeff: “Grief is like the tides... I still have days where I’ll just be sitting at home and it’ll just hit me and I’ll scream.” (28:49)
• Permission to Feel Joy Again: Early guilt over laughing or feeling happy, and coming to terms with carrying grief alongside moments of light.
• Keeping Memories Alive: Family rituals, photo walls, annual remembrances, and openly talking about Josh help sustain his presence.

Supernatural Signs and Staying Connected

• Signs from Josh: Mysterious motion-activated lights in Jeff’s closet that turn on in response to requests, believed to be communication from Josh.
  • Jeff: “So I, of course I want to believe it's him. I said, ‘Josh, if it's you, just turn the right one on.’ Only the right one comes on.” (15:02)
• Shared Spiritual Comfort: Heather recounts similar experiences—objects moving or making sounds—interpreted as her son’s presence, reinforcing the solace and meaning these small events bring. (18:00)

Parenting Through Grief and Finding Community

• Other Children as Salvation: Jeff credits his children and ongoing family connections (even across cities) with keeping him moving forward.
  • Jeff: “My kids are my salvation. Number one thing... Just seeing them, being around them rejuvenates me. It fills my heart.” (23:45-24:18)
• The “Worst Club”: Both describe the unique support found in fellow bereaved parents and the “responsibility” to support new members of this club no one wants to join.
• Offering Support to Others: Jeff makes himself available as a resource for others who newly face child loss: “It’s medicine for me too.” (25:10)

Grief, Guilt, and Finding Purpose

• Struggles with “Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda” and Blame: Jeff details years of self-questioning and the value of professional grief counseling.
• Need for Understanding: Advice for those supporting bereaved families—talk about the child, say their name, don’t be afraid to ask about them.

Music as Salvation and Ongoing Tribute

• Music’s Central Role: Jeff’s lifelong connection to music became a lifeline in grief, both as solace and emotional outlet.
  • Jeff: “I want to write something that’s going to take your heart, massage it gently and put it back in. I want you to feel something.” (39:22)
• Songwriting and Performance: Songs for and about Josh are part of Jeff’s regular performances—“Creep” by Radiohead was a favorite of Josh’s, and Jeff wrote “Same Old Moon” specifically for his son.
• Live Song Performance (“Same Old Moon”):
  • Lyrics reflect enduring connection and longing:
    “You’re gone and I stay / Every now and then I pray by the same old moon / Same stars, same sky... Share the same old moon, same stars, same sky.” (44:09-46:18)
  • Heather reacts emotionally:
    “You’ve captured exactly the loss, like the foreverness of it… It’s the simple truth.” (46:47)

The Evolution of Grief and Holding On

• Stages and Debunking the Timeline Myth: Both note that grief never really ends; it shifts and resurfaces over time.
• Imagining Who They’d Be: Jeff and Heather discuss the tender, sometimes surreal practice of picturing their children as they would be today—through imagined milestones, AI renderings, or stories from friends.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Letting Go of Guilt:
  • Heather: “I don't let myself a lot of time, like live in the guilt or like shoulda woulda, coulda, because… you can't change it, even if you stay in that space.” (08:08)
• On Signs from Beyond:
  • Jeff: “The last two years… the lights started going on. I said, ‘Josh, if that’s you, turn that light on.’ Only the right one comes on.” (15:02)
• On Supporting New Bereaved Parents:
  • Jeff: “The only positive thing about Joshi going—I've had probably in the last 14 years over 20 people sent to be my friends… And it's medicine for me too.” (25:10)
• On Grief’s Oceanic Nature:
  • Jeff: “To me, grief is like the tides... It'll let you breathe and comes back.” (28:49)
• On Keeping Memories Alive:
  • Jeff: “I post the day it happened. I tell people what happened to me that day... I think it’s important to talk about that person after they're gone. Otherwise, it’s like they never existed.” (50:09-51:34)
• On Songwriting:
  • Jeff: “Sometimes it’s like somebody whispers it in your ear. It heals me. It brings me back to realizing everything’s gonna be okay. As okay as it can be.” (47:38)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:56 – Jeff describes Josh’s personality and family memories
• 05:51 – Jeff recounts the night Josh died and the initial aftermath
• 08:50 – Discussion of guilt and parental self-blame after loss
• 12:20 – Josh’s final note: “I am worthless”
• 14:15–17:13 – Signs, lights, and supernatural comfort from Josh
• 23:45–24:18 – Parenting through grief and relying on family
• 28:49 – Grief as the tide analogy, and living with recurring waves of pain
• 39:08–43:28 – Jeff’s journey as a musician and the emotional power of songwriting
• 44:09–46:18 – Live performance: “Same Old Moon”
• 50:09–51:54 – Advice for friends and family: talk about the person, say their name

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Resources Mentioned

• Grief Counseling: Jeff recommends hospice services like those in Saratoga for anyone struggling with loss.
• Contact Jeff Brisbane & His Music:
  • Website: jeffbrisbane.com
  • Spotify, Apple Music, Instagram: Search “Jeff Brisbane”
  • Phone number available via his website, open to conversations with those grieving.

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Closing Reflections

This episode offers a profound, real look at the non-linear journey of grief, the impossibility of “moving on” but the power in moving forward, and the daily work of keeping loved ones close through ritual, music, and memory. Jeff’s vulnerability in sharing his story—and his music—serves as both comfort and permission for others to grieve openly, seek joy, and hold onto hope.

Heather:
“I say it all the time—ask us. Say their name. You’re not going to remind me they’re gone; you’re not going to make us feel worse. In fact, you’ll make us feel better.” (51:34)

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For listeners navigating loss, this episode holds space for both devastation and love’s enduring resonance—a place of yes, indeed.

Transcript

[Heather Straughter]

Hi, I'm Heather Straughter, and this is A Place of Yes. In each episode, we have honest conversations about grief. The messy parts, the unexpected moments, and the ways we begin to heal through heartfelt stories and expert advice. My hope is to offer you comfort, connection, and a reminder that you don't.

Have to navigate this alone.

On this episode, I'm joined by musician Jeff Brisbane to remember his son Josh and to talk about what grief looks like years later. Jeff shares the moments that still catch him off guard and. And the stories that make him smile. We also explore how music has helped him keep going and honor Josh's memory.

This episode includes discussion of suicide. Welcome, Jeff Brisbin, to A Place of Yes. I'm so excited to have you here. I have. It was funny when I was talking about guests for season three, we were in the middle of a conversation, and all of a sudden your name, like, flashed in front of my. Like, I was like, jeff, I, like, called it out. And I was like, I can't believe I haven't thought about it already. Like, I can't believe we haven't done this yet. So thank you so much for being here.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Happy to be here.

[Heather Straughter]

So welcome to A Place of Yes. I want to start with something light. What's something that you have said yes to lately, other than being on this podcast?

[Jeff Brisbane]

I said yes to meet some friends at Uncommon Grounds today.

[Heather Straughter]

All right.

[Jeff Brisbane]

That's all there. You know where I was.

[Heather Straughter]

That's a fun. You know, I. I always think it's. We named this podcast A Place of yes because it is about, like, a reminder of the joy in saying yes. And you can live with this really big heartache. But sometimes, Sometimes it's as small as, like, meeting friends at Uncommon Ground and just reconnecting with friendship. So I'm glad you said that. I'm glad you said yes to being on the show. So let's get into it. Can you tell me a little bit about Josh, who he was?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Sure. Joshua James. And he was a brilliant, gentle boy when he was younger. He was quiet, introspective, but he'd be sitting over there when his brothers would get going and they'd make. Making him laugh, and then he'd come out with a zinger. So he was. He was. He had finished his first year of college computers. It.

[Heather Straughter]

Where was he in this? So you have five other kids?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yes.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay, so where.

[Jeff Brisbane]

So he's the youngest boy.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay, so tell me your favorite memories of him. Like, you know, you shared some, like, when he was with his Brothers.

[Jeff Brisbane]

My oldest son lives in Quincy, Mass.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

He's a Harvard grad and he works at Harvard for the last 20 years. And so he would come Christmas time, my other son Paul, works for Stewart's. And the two of them, they just get going and they just get Josh laughing and it was just fantastic, you know? Then I remember another time I went out, he went to SUNY it.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

In Utica. And I had this thing where I call him Josh's made his first name a plural. So we spent the whole day together. I'm dropping him off at his dorm and it was like November. You know how sound carries outside? So he gets out of the car and he's walking back to his dorm, and I go, trashes. He just. He goes dash. He just shakes his head and walks away. And when I did his eulogy at the funeral home, that was one of the things I spoke about. The way I'm going to remember him. I can see him walking away. Walking away, you know.

[Heather Straughter]

So how old was he when he passed?

[Jeff Brisbane]

18 and a half.

[Heather Straughter]

18 and a half. And I think you had said that's about 14 years ago. Is that true?

[Jeff Brisbane]

It is, yeah. June 17th.

[Heather Straughter]

June 17th. So, you know, and I think in the world of loss, particularly children's loss, child loss, you. You hang on to these weird connections. Right. And I did not know this. So Jake will be gone 15 years in December. So we lost our kids roughly in the same time span.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I did a fundraiser for you. I. At the horseshoe probably 20 years ago. So long ago.

[Heather Straughter]

That's funny you say that, because now I remember that I was talking to Brian about this interview and I was like, there are so many degrees of connections in our lives. And I said, but I don't. Chuck Allen and the Halsteads. Right. Like, you know, Jeff. Yeah. So I was like, this is. It makes so much sense that we're having this conversation. And I said, and that our lives have, like, intersected in so many different ways. Yeah, I do remember that at the.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Horseshoe for Jake, Kenna worked it all out.

[Heather Straughter]

That's right.

[Jeff Brisbane]

If I think, you know, way back, he's a dear friend of mine.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay, so that is. So. So we were going through this, you know, for like different. Different ways, different ages, different, all of that, but the same loss. Right. Like, what. What do you. What are your. What were your early days of grief like? Like, I can remember mine so viscerally and I can almost, if I let myself go there, I can feel like. I can still feel like coming home from the hospital without him. And I can still feel like the way that I was like screaming and like I remember like Ethan was there and he was only five. And I, like I could put myself there right now. Do you have some of those?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. So I was finishing a gig at the Gray Gelden.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And it's three minutes to 11, I'm in my last song and my phone is blowing up. I can see it. And so I finished the last song, I grabbed my phone, I go outside, and it's my youngest daughter who's a year younger than Joshie.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And she's totally upset, telling me Josh was gone. And I just screamed and I went in the parking lot by the Downtowner.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And just was calling the rest of my kids once I got myself together.

[Heather Straughter]

Had you connected with your wife yet or. No. Or.

[Jeff Brisbane]

She was there.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay. Oh, she was at your show?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, it was terrible. And then it was just numbing and non belief and I had people coming over to my house until 3:30 in the morning. You know. Yeah, I can go back to it. It's tough. It's just hard to believe. And then the way he took his life, committed suicide. And he mixed three chemicals together in a bucket. Never smoked, never drank, never did drugs. Perfect child. Brilliant. And when he did that, it was so toxic. He had mimed to put a. He did. In the front seat of his car, put a note on the window. Do not open door. Fatal fumes.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, Jeff.

[Jeff Brisbane]

So four or five breaths was gone. And.

[Heather Straughter]

I always, like.

[Jeff Brisbane]

So I couldn't see him for I think four days. They had. They put them in a vented room in Saratoga Hospital. They had to evacuate some people when they brought him in and couldn't embalm them.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh my goodness.

[Jeff Brisbane]

So.

[Heather Straughter]

So he knew, like, he. Wow. And you.

[Jeff Brisbane]

You found it on the Internet. So the police told me afterwards, you know, so.

[Heather Straughter]

I am so sorry. I always. I usually start with that. Right. I'm so sorry for that. For your loss, I mean. And I'm yours. No, thank you. And I'm. It's just. I know that I can go back to like the days before, you know, Jake had been sick and we never thought he was gonna pass, but he was. He was having some struggles. He had, like, just had a series of. The six weeks before his death were just like one thing after the other. So I can go back there and I don't let myself a lot of time, like live in the guilt or like shoulda woulda, coulda, because. Right. You Can't. You can't change it, even if you stay in that space.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I fought that for two years.

[Heather Straughter]

That's what. So that was my.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I didn't sleep. You know what? Didn't I. Four years before, he had written two. What would you call it? Attempts at a suicide job. And his sister was vacuuming his room and it caught the papers. We got him help immediately and very quickly. 180 degrees. And he was doing great in school after that. He was from. We watched him like a hog, all of us, you know, so we were so keyed in. That's why when I went hospice, has grief counseling.

[Heather Straughter]

Yeah.

[Jeff Brisbane]

For a year.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

For your family.

[Heather Straughter]

We did no charge. Wave Runners. Is that. That was the name of the program we did. But there was. There's a bunch of.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And so, you know, they told me, you know, don't beat yourself up. But I did. And sometimes I still do. It's an unnatural thing, you know, that this is supposed to happen that way. We're supposed to go. The natural order of life. And so that was the hardest thing. And he was my buddy. I used to do this thing when they were. From the time they were little, and even when he was going to college, I did this thing. And they had to get in the arm, you know, all that stuff. And the. I love you when I was dropping him off or pick him up or I was leaving for work, you know, and it was special stuff.

[Heather Straughter]

This is a horrible question, but you didn't see it coming. Like, you thought that he had done that.

[Jeff Brisbane]

He was good. You know, he struggled in school before that, before we found the notes. But once. No, he was great, was happy. He just started driving, got his own car.

[Heather Straughter]

Do you sometimes. And this is a stupid question perhaps, but, like, blame the Internet, right? Like, because we have. I don't know, like, sometimes I just get so. And less so now. But, you know, the teenage years are tough enough. And then, you know, Ethan's 20 now. But, like, they. The. The things they have access to for a while just terrified me because they don't always know that it will get better or that it sort of can be hard or that those ages are hard. Like. And I don't know, I just. I know that we've gone through our whole, like, where we're just, you know, where you lock into your kids and you're just like, watch them like a hawk, but you can't watch them 24 7. And you don't know what anybody is really thinking. So it's just. I don't know. It's a weird thing, but sometimes I'm like, it was so simple in a different. And maybe all generations do that. I feel like my parents did that about me as well. Right, sure.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Well, it was simpler when we were kids. Go outside till the street lights come on 100%.

[Heather Straughter]

And no cell phones.

[Jeff Brisbane]

So the police told me this was the number one way in Japan.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

At that time. So that's where. I don't know how he found it, but that's where he found it.

[Heather Straughter]

That's where I found it.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yep.

[Heather Straughter]

And did he leave a note?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Did. On the printer's computer. I am worthless.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, Jeff.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. Which people could think that way, you.

[Heather Straughter]

Know, especially when you just. If they only. If they could only believe the amount of love you had for them. Right. Like, just like your body. I mean, as a parent, you know, it's just you never. I always say, like, you know, you don't. Or at least for myself. Right. Like, you never knew love until you had a kid. It's just this whole different thing. And it's. It's just so.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Well, that keeps replenishing forever.

[Heather Straughter]

So heartbreaking to think they might not realize that. So let's talk a little bit about the shift of grief, right? Because I think, particularly, like, for all of us, but I also, in your situation, you had to work through the loss, the guilt, like, all of those things that you said, and then figure out how to adjust to grief, which is ever changing. Because I know when I first lost Jake, I had limited experience with grief at this point point. Like, my grandmother had died. But again, you referenced this earlier, right? The. The circle of life. Like, the. You know, it was. My grandmother died relatively young. She was 71, I think, but she had. And. And she had some health stuff, but, like, she was my grandmother. Like, you know, it just. It was. It was a different thing. Losing your kid just shifts all that, you know. And so. So how has your grief changed? Like, I know that I at first thought, like, I believed, you know, you'd read the books about, like, the five stages of grief. And at first I was like, oh, okay, you go through this and then you're. You've processed and you're done. And then I didn't know what to do with my emotions because I was like, wait, I'm not. I'm still living with this. And it took me a long time to sort of do that. So what did your grief look like over the last 14 years?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Well, you know, in the beginning, you wonder, am I allowed to Laugh and to be happy because he's gone, you know, And I can't bring him back. And it still eats away every day. I look at that picture. I come out of my room, I have a wall that's pictures of my kids, my family wall. And I'll tell you another thing I believe so you, you'll probably laugh at me. I have in my closet, in my bedroom, I've got these. They're like this long, two of them, and they're motion activated lights.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

They're not plugged in. They don't have batteries. Well, they, they're USB charged.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Okay. So today is Tuesday. Then last night it was. I get into bed, it's like 11:30. And for the last two years, I've been in this house for three and a half years, the last two years. And you have to be standing up and wave. So what I do in the morning, I get up, it lights up my shirts because my room is dark. And so there's two separate lights now plugged into ac. And about two years ago they started going on. And so I, of course I want to believe it's him. I said, josh, there's two lights. If it's you, just turn the right one on. Only the right one comes on. So I was thinking about this this morning when I woke up. So last night I'm in bed for like 10 minutes, I'm looking on Instagram, trying to doze myself off, and the light comes on. I always reach out to. I don't have mice or bats. I reach out, tell them I love them. I said, josh, if that's you, when you can turn that light on, looks like an eight second timer, it shuts off and you have to wait a little bit longer and then you can reactivate it, turn it back on. And he did.

[Heather Straughter]

I can. I am such a believer. Like I can't even. I love everything about that. It's a thousand percent Josh, in my opinion, for sure. I. And I could, I could match, you know, like, I have those stories I have. I mean, I'm wearing this like kind of cardinal shirt because I'm into the cardinal. Part of the reason that I wanted to record this season at home was cause like, this is like Jake's home. This is the couch I fed him on. Like, you keep him. So like. Or I keep Jake and I know you keep Josh. Right? Like we have to fight hard to keep them present. But I could not believe more that they find ways to let us know they're there.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And it didn't go on again now. Maybe May or June. I Woke up at 4 o'. Clock. I couldn't go back to sleep. Toss and turn. You ready for this? 52 times over 3 and a half hours. That bike went out until it was almost out of juice.

[Heather Straughter]

I love it. I mean, I just.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Somebody.

[Heather Straughter]

It's. But don't you feel like. Doesn't it make you feel like happy? Like, can it like. Or does it make. I should. I should actually ask.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I tell them I love them and I reach out to them. I thank him for visiting me, checking in on me.

[Heather Straughter]

Yep.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And absolutely.

[Heather Straughter]

I. Cause I. This is sort of a funny story. When Jake first passed, I drove a Volvo and I had like the hardest time when. When I got the Jeep instead of the Volvo, which is why our license plates all say Jakey. Because I just was like, I have to figure out how to keep him sort of close to us because he will never have been in this car. Like, I just had this, like. I was a wacky about some things. But in the Volvo there was a toy puzzle that like, it was one of those where it was like the drums and it. You put it in and made a drum sound or whatever for like three or four years. Every once in a while you wouldn't touch it, you wouldn't do anything. They would just start to go off. So we started just saying. I think Ethan might have even started. He was like, it's Jake. So then we would just say like, hey, it's Jakey. You know, hey, Jakey. You might not hear it for like six months, but then you would hear it. Or like we'd be going to Plum island, which is a place that he always went on vacation with us. And like the whole ride to Plum island would be going off. I believe in those things so much. And. And I always think in my grief, those are the things that sort of. Once you lean into them and accept them for what they are, they. They save you to some degree.

[Jeff Brisbane]

It's comforting. It's. And. And sometimes they'll go two weeks and then it always wakes me up and it's just a gentle nudge. I think. I want to believe it. But last night, think about that. Turn it on again, Josh, as soon as you can.

[Heather Straughter]

And he did it.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And then that was it.

[Heather Straughter]

It's so awesome. It's too hard to think of a life, right, without them in it somehow. And I just think that for them too, they want to know. They want us to know that they are still watching us.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I believe I was worried Is he okay? Is he warm enough? Silly things. No, not silly, but, you know, all those things that a parent thinks about with their kids, you know?

[Heather Straughter]

You know, are they alone? Are they. Yeah, all of the things. Well, I love. I love that. Does he.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Pretty cool.

[Heather Straughter]

Does he come back to any of his siblings or to his mom or.

[Jeff Brisbane]

To, like, are there his way to hear this one? So his oldest brother gets off the tee and Quincy walk into. His wife's waiting for him in the car. He's on the sidewalk, and there's this boy coming towards him who looks just like Joshi, only about 14 years old, 13 years old, younger version. And Jeff says, dad, I'm staring at this kid, and he's like 60ft away, and we're walking towards each other. He says. So I had to stop because I felt I'm gonna freak the kid out. He says. I look down to the sidewalk as I'm walking, I look up. The kid is standing in front of him with his hand out. He shakes Jeff's hands, smiles like this, and Jeff is like. And they just walk away. His wife saw the boy, so there was a presence. No words exchanged. I'll make the hair stick.

[Heather Straughter]

That's beautiful.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. That's the only other thing that I'm aware of. You know, he was the apple of everybody's eye, you know, because he was just this. He was a beautiful boy. And, like, I say, keep quiet, and then, boom. He come out with a great little funny thing, you know, he's my buddy.

[Heather Straughter]

I. It's funny you say that. On Jake's gravestone, we wrote, like, We Miss yous Little Buddy. You know, like, he was our buddy, too. Right? It's hard.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I didn't bury Josh traditionally. I'll tell you afterwards where he is.

[Heather Straughter]

Where is he? You don't want to.

[Jeff Brisbane]

It's illegal.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, okay. That'll be in the uncut yet. Interesting. I. You know, we. I struggled with what we would do because there was part of me that wanted to keep him with us. And then, I don't know, I was, like, raised Catholic, and I got weird. And, like. Yeah. So I got, like, weird about it, and then I was. I didn't know what to do. So then we buried him. And then for years. Years, years, years. I was, like, obsessive. Like, had to go see him twice a day because I. I don't know. I was like a mom, right? So I was like, I can't just ignore him. And now I'm less obsessive. Brian, still, I would say, is there most Days. And then sometimes I feel guilty because I'm like, oh, dad's showing me up. Like, I need to go now. But. But, you know, it's just, it's. It's a hard decision. It's hard to figure out. I know some people keep them, you know, kind of do half and half, like. But it's hard to. I look forward to hearing where he is. Tell me. I think about the early days kind of shifting a little bit back to like the big, you know, the overwhelming grief. And in those days, I, I often have said that Ethan saved me. Right. Like Ethan having to parent him as a five year old in kindergarten who, you know, had to call 911 when his brother died unexpectedly. Like, I had to dig myself out of whatever hole I would get myself in and be there for him. How did, like parenting your other kids and your marriage, like, how did your whole life, like, how did you get through those early years and even now?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Well, my kids are my salvation. Number top of mind, number one thing. In fact, my baby daughter who got married last September, she's on her way to Edinburgh, Scotland right now.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, wow.

[Jeff Brisbane]

One on their honeymoon.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. And it's. They're special. And I, we keep Josh alive. I mean, I, we talk about them Christmas time, I'll go Christmas shopping, I'll pick up. He would love that. And I have to put it back.

[Heather Straughter]

Yep, yep.

[Jeff Brisbane]

You know, so it's. They have helped me so much because I'm so involved. We're on a text chain. I have a. A daughter in Chicago. She's an urban planner. Son in Quincy, daughter in Galway, son in Hudson Falls, and my, my youngest in Troy. So they're all over the place. We go have dinner. Just seeing them, being around them rejuvenates me. It. It fills my heart, I guess try to put it into words. Just, they're my everything. And it did make it easier because I had them. If Josh had been an only child, I think it would have been harder, you know, so there's nothing easy about any of it.

[Heather Straughter]

No.

[Jeff Brisbane]

The only positive thing about Joshi going, I've had probably in the last 14 years over 20 people sent to be my friends. They say, you know who. People have lost a child. I'm going to call Jeff first and say, hey, is it okay if I send. You know, and they do. And it's, it's medicine for me too. I just help them get over that initial Humphrey, you know, and many of them were to suicide. My oldest daughter helps arrange the walk they do, which is Coming up.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Every year. We did that for a few years. It's hard for me to do. The crowds get bigger every year. The numbers are people. Yeah, it's. There's every. Every day. It's 20 service people every day.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, God. You've got to figure it out.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I think people don't realize, like you were saying, it is going to get better. They think whatever it is, it's the end of the world. Or if they had one more night, you know, maybe to.

[Heather Straughter]

Well, I was reading something about, you know, if you can just keep. So like a. You need to know. And so much of what happens with suicide is so deep and personal, like, not shared. But if you can just, like, if you can convince them that it's just, you know, one more night, like. Like, you know, things are better in the light of day or whatever those sayings are.

[Jeff Brisbane]

But just if I had known. I remember waking him up. He was six, three. Like your boy.

[Heather Straughter]

Yeah.

[Jeff Brisbane]

You know, and. And so his. His foot was hanging out of the bed. I grabbed his big toe. Gotta get up in the morning, Joshua. You gotta get up this morning, you know, get him up, you know? Yeah. I don't know. It's just.

[Heather Straughter]

I love what you just said, though. And it's kind of was a segue as something that I had written down to talk to you about because I noticed this. You know, we're in that club. We're in the worst club, the one that no one wants to join. But every day people join it and the world gets small. Because I feel similar to you, that, you know, people reach out to me or they're like, what should I say? What should I do? What's the right thing? Or, you know, and then even, you know, when. Like when. When Liv died, you know, Melissa and I got real close. And I'm hoping to have Chuck on the show, too. But just the, you know, those feelings that I remember feeling. Right. You know, and you alluded to it earlier. Is it okay to laugh? Is it? I remember Melissa saying to me, am I ever gonna be happy again? And I was like, yes, you are. You are. Like, you know, you are going to go out with your friends, or you're going to laugh, or you're going to forget for a minute and live in joy, and then you're going to feel bad about it. But I think I wish I didn't know the things I did. Which is, you know, sort of what you were saying too. Right. Like. But we are this resource, or lack of a better word to other Families. And I think I at least feel like there's a responsibility in that. Right. Because it can feel. You can feel so alone in those days.

[Jeff Brisbane]

No one knows unless it happened to you. Everybody commiserates with you and they feel bad and they say all the right things. You know, I had lunch with Chuck last week.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

We were talking about that. The library. Be happy. You know, it's. There's several hurdles. And to me, grief is like the tides. It's like you. You get what it happens when you have the loss. It's like the ocean just dumps on you and you can barely breathe and then lets you breathe and it comes back. I mean, I still have days where I'll just be sitting at home and it'll just hit me and I'll scream. I just scream for him, you know, I miss him so much. It's so cool that I believe he comes, you know, and.

[Heather Straughter]

But it's hard to. I wonder if you. So he was 18, so he'd be what, 32?

[Jeff Brisbane]

30. Coming up, a 33.

[Heather Straughter]

33.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Zaron Judge's age. That's how I look at him.

[Heather Straughter]

And so do you picture him still? How do you picture him? And I ask this only because I struggle so much with it that I'm just curious what other people do, you know.

[Jeff Brisbane]

He had a lot of great friends. So his college roommate, they went all through school together, third grade, through high school and the first year of college. And he knows where Josh is and he asked his girl to marry him right by Joshua.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, I love that.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And his friends know and they go visit. I've gone there. And the beautiful. And so it's. I picture him like being a young adult, like when his sister got married last year. Then I got up to give my little speech thanking everybody for coming. And I read this passage that Josh. We found stuff after he passed. Writings. He wrote a poem. Every day I will think of you, it was called. And so I stood right behind my daughter with my hand on her shoulder, you know, saying that and stuff. It's like I say, he's present. Yeah, he's always copper mine, as I'm sure. Jay, this for you?

[Heather Straughter]

No, for sure.

[Jeff Brisbane]

It's just weird. So I drew. Picture him being off him. He never fell in love. He never got married, never had a child. You know, like my son Jeff has one daughter. She's 12 now, going on 40. And you know how these kids are do. And I say, can you believe how blessed I have been? I have six of you. All that love.

[Heather Straughter]

So Much.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And to lose one of you is just. You can't put it into words. It's no, I'll swim in the. In the tides, but I won't let it.

[Heather Straughter]

Yeah, you got to pull yourself out. Yeah.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. I go back on the shore.

[Heather Straughter]

I think that's. I think it's a perfect analogy. Like, I talk about it sometimes, and, you know, one of the things I tell others when I think they're sort of ready is that, you know, I think there's this idea that you have to stay positive or blah, blah, you know, And. And I do. I, like, I love the way you sort of said it because I. I too, I. I always call it, like, I go dark, like, and I just. I need to do it. Like. And some of those dark days are dark. Like, it sucks. But I think you do that when you're strong enough to know that you. You can come out of it. And not that I give myself a time limit, but I sort of give myself a time limit. I'm like, you know what? You don't. Nothing has to happen today. Lay on the couch and feel horrible for yourself. Like, mourn the loss all over again. But then tomorrow, compartmentalize a little and keep moving forward, you know, because it can. It can overwhelm you. But I also think you gotta. You gotta figure out what that balance is for you sometimes, right? And it's. Yeah, you've gotta feel it. Because if you don't feel it, I just think, you know, you got to believe in the signs and you got to feel it and you've got to. I don't know, like, sometimes we travel a lot, and we started that because we couldn't when he was sick. And I feel like it's a way we're taking him with us. Like, I believe he comes with us on our trips. Like, I believe all of those things. We struggle a little bit because, you know, it's kind of why I asked, why you picture him, because so. So Jake was four when he passed. He's 19 now. You know, like, that's just so vastly different, especially because, you know, Ethan was five and now he's about to be 21. He's in love. He, like, you know, we have drinks with him. Like, we, like, having an adult child is so different. It is than when they're little. And it's so. I love it so much. Like, I.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Our best friends.

[Heather Straughter]

I miss my little boy and, like, the snuggles. But, man, do I love having adult. Like, having adult even. And. And I just wonder what that would have been like. I, I did the weird AI thing once. Like I told chat to, you know, I gave it a picture and I was like, tell me what Jake would look like now. And it did. I don't. I mixed on it, you know, like it, it was. I guess maybe that's what he would look like. But it's kind of cool because now I feel like I have a picture, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not just always picturing my little chubby four year old, but who knows the things we do.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I know it's part of the journey.

[Heather Straughter]

I believe, and I believe the reason he came to you last night is he knew you were going to be talking about him. I believe he's kind of here with us. I don't know. What if he was here? What would you. If he's listening right now, what would you want him to know?

[Jeff Brisbane]

How much he was loved.

[Heather Straughter]

How much.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And we would have done, all of us would have done anything in the world for him to make him not feel the way he must have felt at the end.

[Heather Straughter]

You know, I'm sure he knows that by now. I believe that when we first started communicating, I'm going to shift a little bit because this is also. I thought this was so powerful and it was such a simple sentence in one of the things you wrote, but you wrote. I love music. It saved me so many times. Talk to me about that. Like, what does that. What are examples of like, of. Of how that, of what that means. Because I just, I know we all need something, so. And music is your thing.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. So when I was five or six, I'd be on a swing, making up my own little songs, you know. And when I was like 10 or 11, I would dream about guitars.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And then, you know, my brother was 11, 12 years older than me, so he had these Elvis records and I would listen to that when I was three. I'd put little marks on the, on the label of the record or 45s so I would know that's the song I liked because I couldn't read yet it intrigued me. I drove my dad crazy. Where do these songs come from? That's always fascinated me. And now being a songwriter, I know where they come from. It's all around you. I might write a song about this tonight. I don't know. And so music. God. I got divorced, okay.

[Heather Straughter]

After Josh.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yes. And it's five years now and it's so like he wasn't in this house, you know, that's why I wanted to come here. Yeah. And plus this, I think is better.

[Heather Straughter]

Yeah, it's face to face.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. It's more intimate. And so just the songs that I love, Linda McCarten Elton, Don Henley's. All these songs, I play them out, you know, I got a 1400 song playlist, literally. Hey. Oh. And I do it well. Last year I did. Don't yell at me. But 300 times last year at 300 gigs. A lot of doubles in the summer.

[Heather Straughter]

Well, you said you had sent one thing saying that, what, you had like 11 in nine days or something over traverse.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it gets. But I'm off today, tomorrow, Thursday and Saturday, so that's not.

[Heather Straughter]

It's a quiet week for you.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yes, it is. So it's a reflective week, you know, And I got all my chores done at the house, so I'm gonna chill.

[Heather Straughter]

I love that. So you have always. So you always identify. You've always been a songwriter, always been a musician.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Well, I worked in the automobile business, which is where I met Chuck. I hire him when he first saw you guys go way back, almost 40 years.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, I didn't realize that.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why it was so great to see him. I see him in the Y playing basketball. I'm walking the track and anyway, so, yeah, long time. So that's what I did. Salesman, sales manager, general manager.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And great business, but it eats your time up. It just sucks the life out of you. And so I'm glad I'm on that. But full time musician the last 12 years.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Started playing out in 2000 Gaffney's, 250 times. You know, that kind of stuff. So, like, I do weddings, I do corporate stuff. It's. It varies.

[Heather Straughter]

Do you. Has. Has grief changed your. Changed you as a musician? Like, do you. Do you think it's changed, like, the music you're writing, the.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Oh, sure. People say I had people. Last night I played one of my songs and the woman was crying and she said, jeff, I cried at the song 15 years ago, and I'm crying again. I think when I write a song I can't write. I'm walking on sunshine. I want to write something that's going to take your heart, massage it gently and put it back in. I want you to feel something. You know, I play Cafe Lena. I play only my own songs.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

And. And it's so much more intimate. You know, it's a dance between two people.

[Heather Straughter]

So it's. It's so funny, right? Like, it's all perspective. So when I was thinking of you, when you said, I love music, music saved me, I was thinking, honestly, purely in the days of. Of after Josh died, like, I. Thinking of. Because so much a. I feel like I live and breathe grief in sort of a weird way. And I. The more I talk about it, like, the more I want to talk about it, like, I'm sort of addicted to it just because I do feel like it's, you know, a little bit like, what you said, it makes you. Doesn't make me feel alive, but it's like you got to tap into those emotions. So I was thinking, like, purely, like, from that. But I see now that music has been a part of who you are always. Do you feel at all that? Like, in those dark days afterwards, that was music? Some. Like, was music something you went to, or was it something that you weren't even thinking about? Like, did you just.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Oh, yeah. I mean, just playing the guitar, that's such a personal thing. You feel the vibrations through your body, and it's like music puts feelings. It's a wave putting feelings into. I don't know how to say it. I think you know what I'm trying to say.

[Heather Straughter]

No, I do. I do know. I do know.

[Jeff Brisbane]

It's like some songs that make you sad.

[Heather Straughter]

Yep.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Walking on sunshine will make you happy.

[Heather Straughter]

Well, it's true, though. You hear sometimes I. I can be in a horrible mood, and then I hear one of us. A song that, what, for whatever reason, it might remind me of a friend or it reminds me of salmon or whatever. Like, I have some songs that. You know, there's this. I can't even think of the band, but there's a song that. Right after Jake died, I actually. At the Y, I was in a spin class, and as I was, like, sweating and being, like, you know, trying to, like, I was working out, this song came on, and I, like, started crying like a lunatic in the middle of the spin class because I was like, oh, my God, this is about Jake. And all these years later, I hear it, and, you know, I wrote him a letter about it, and I just really connect, like, so there. Like, music has that power, you know.

[Jeff Brisbane]

It's a time machine.

[Heather Straughter]

Yeah.

[Jeff Brisbane]

It'll bring you back. The first boy that said see you. You know, all of it. Yeah, all of that. All the things in our lives. It's comforting to me in so many ways. It's just. If I didn't have it, I don't know what I'd do.

[Heather Straughter]

Did Josh, like. Were there songs that he liked like what? Like, did you do your kids? You. I. I imagine that you played music a lot for your kids.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Oh, yeah. I'll send you a video that's about me.

[Heather Straughter]

Oh, really? Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

You'll. You'll. It's. It's funny. It's a mockumentary about me and my music, but they're so beautiful. But yeah, there's. So my two sons both play guitar.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

They both are songwriters.

[Heather Straughter]

So you passed it up.

[Jeff Brisbane]

They're living their married lives, but they're not performers. But they used to when they were younger, they did a little bit. So. Yeah, that's in them. Oh, yeah. And Josh had. He loved the Beatles. He loved Radiohead. There's that song I played every night for Josh. Creep.

[Heather Straughter]

Okay.

[Jeff Brisbane]

You know that song?

[Heather Straughter]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Granny, you were here before. Yeah, yeah.

[Heather Straughter]

You play it every time, every night for him. I love that.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Yeah. And then sometimes I'll do the song I sent you.

[Heather Straughter]

Yes.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Which I wrote for that. Yeah, yeah.

[Heather Straughter]

So I definitely. And I don't know if the timing should be now or at the end, but I would love to. And I don't even know if the sound here is going to work, but. Would you play something?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Sure.

[Heather Straughter]

No, even like just a piece of the. Maybe the song you wrote. Like, whatever you want. I just.

[Jeff Brisbane]

You're gone and I stay every nonsense then I pray by the same old moon Same stars, same sky. I'm here, you're there you need to know that I still care Share the.

Same old.

Now as I sit here all on my own I'm so sad for went wrong so when you look up at that same old moon. You'll know I'm coming for you soon.

[Heather Straughter]

I love.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Your soul just don't know how to let you go. Share the same old moon. Sing stars same sky high. Share the same old single stars.

[Heather Straughter]

Jeff, that was amazing. And I listened. I read the words when you had sent them and I listened to it. But to just hear you right now, I mean that. Do you sing that song most nights or.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I have to be in the right mood.

[Heather Straughter]

I was. That's why. That's.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Was my first nights. I probably couldn't get through a song. I played it once, Cafe Lena and. And I had a tough time getting through it. It's. You know, it just comes. Sometimes you feel fine and then boom.

[Heather Straughter]

No. And that's so. I mean, hearing you sing that right now, like, I just. I. I almost got teary eyed. Because you've captured exactly the loss, like the. The foreverness of it. And then This. I feel like. I feel like I'm. You're. Oh. Once you have this loss. Right. You're always grappling for signs and for connections and for that. And. And your message here is, it's beautiful and it's sad. It just sucks. And it's like the. You're gone, I'm here, you're there. Like, that's just. It's the. It's the simple truth. And it just blows my very untechnical way of saying it. But it's just.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Well, what you were saying, has it changed the way I, I. I want to. I don't want to sing about walking in the sunshine. I want to sing about real feelings that people have.

[Heather Straughter]

Yeah.

[Jeff Brisbane]

If I'm down listening to songs that I love or playing songs that I love or writing a song, sometimes it's like somebody whispers it in your ear. It heals me. It just brings me back to realizing everything's gonna be okay. As okay as it can be.

[Heather Straughter]

Absolutely.

[Jeff Brisbane]

You know, it's never the same after you lose somebody like that.

[Heather Straughter]

No. Does it? Sometimes. I imagine sometimes Anita had said this, like, you can't play it all the time because it also probably brings it all right up to the surface, like the pain is.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Does When I get in the right frame, it's important to play it. I've sent it to somebody who was sent to me, and the woman responded back, like, two hours later. She said, jeff, I didn't look at the title of the song or anything. I went outside in Round Lake. I sat down in the garden, hit play. Same old moon. I'm looking at the moon, you know, so people can relate to that. Yeah. Yep. She lost her son.

[Heather Straughter]

Now, where can people. I have two final thoughts. Questions. So if people want to connect with you and. Or your music, where's the best place to reach you and find you?

[Jeff Brisbane]

Jeff brisbane.com. my website, my schedule is there. All my songs are there that I wrote. There's 36 songs there. I'm on Spotify, Apple Music, all that stuff. Bar people, the Bar people page, bar people.com or bar people on Facebook. Instagram. I'm on Instagram and my phone number's there. If somebody just wants to talk, I'll always listen.

[Heather Straughter]

People who are listening to the show, a lot of times they're people who are experiencing loss or who have really good friends who are going through it, and they want to know what they can do, how they can help. What would you want? What would you tell people that you wished someone had said to you? Back then, like, what are. Well, whether it's grief or struggling or just any of it, I think, as.

[Jeff Brisbane]

We said before, people mean well, but they don't truly understand. They understand you've lost what? They don't really understand the depth of that loss and the height of the grief. So I would say get grief counseling at hospice in Saratoga if you're in the Saratoga area. It was very beneficial for me because I did have the woulda, shoulda, coulda, and it helped me with that. And lean on your friends and your family and, you know, like, I didn't want you. You have to. People go. They don't know if they should talk about Josh or Jake. You know, should they even mention them. It's like the unmentionable. Well, every year I post the day that it happened. I do. I tell people what happened to me that day and what I went through. And I think it's important to talk about that person after they're gone. Otherwise, it's like they never existed. He was here. He's here now. You know, so.

[Heather Straughter]

No, I think that's. I think that's a great message for the audience. I believe in it. I say it all the time. Ask us. Say their name. You're not going to remind. I already know they're gone. You're not going to make us feel worse. In fact, he'll make us feel better.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Right. Acknowledging that he was here, he was a real person. It's not just an emotion you're feeling.

[Heather Straughter]

Thank you so much for not only agreeing to be on the show, but for sharing your song and your music and for being so open and for sharing Josh with us. I am. I loved hearing more about him and your whole family, but I especially love connecting over Josh. Thank you.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Thank you so much. Thanks for having me.

[Heather Straughter]

Absolutely.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I love you.

[Heather Straughter]

How do you.

[Jeff Brisbane]

I love you.

[Heather Straughter]

I love it. Thank you so much.

[Jeff Brisbane]

Thank you.

[Heather Straughter]

Thank you for listening to A Place of Yes. I hope today's conversation brought you comfort. Comfort, connection, maybe even a little bit of hope. If it did, I'd love for you to subscribe and share this episode with.

Someone who might need it to see.

You next time on A Place of Yes.