A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast: Episode Summary

Episode Title: Her Mother’s Death Was a Family Secret — Until She Broke the Silence
Host: Bright Sighted (Heather)
Guest: Susan Liu, Vietnamese American Author, Playwright, and Performer
Release Date: December 26, 2024

Introduction

In this poignant episode of "A Place of Yes," host Heather interviews Susan Liu, a Vietnamese American author and performer, who shares her deeply personal journey of grief following the sudden and tragic death of her mother. The conversation delves into themes of family secrets, cultural stigmas around grief, the quest for closure, and the transformative power of turning pain into art.

Susan Liu’s Story of Loss

Susan Liu begins by recounting the traumatic circumstances surrounding her mother's death. At 11 years old ([00:31] Heather), a heated argument with her mother leads to Susan defying her mother's wishes to attend volleyball tryouts. Tragically, her mother suffers a fatal complication during a plastic surgery procedure:

Susan Liu ([01:11]): “I tell her I hate her, I slam the door, I saunter off to school... she flatlines after five days in a coma.”

The incident causes permanent brain damage to her mother, leading to her prolonged coma and eventual death. This heartbreaking event remains a family secret for two decades, with Susan becoming acutely aware of the absence of her mother as she approaches motherhood herself.

The Impact of Silence on Grief

Heather probes into the difficulties Susan faced due to the family's reluctance to discuss her mother's death. Susan explains how this silence compounded her grief:

Susan Liu ([06:43]): “We never had grief counseling. In the book you read that after my mom passes, I don't cry at the funeral. The first time I can cry is at school...”

Susan highlights the cultural aspects of her Vietnamese-American family, where expressing emotions is often seen as a weakness, leading to an internalized sense of abandonment and guilt.

Navigating Relationships and Emotional Isolation

The conversation shifts to Susan's relationship with her father and siblings. Her father, unable to cope with the loss effectively due to cultural stigmas, inadvertently distances himself emotionally:

Susan Liu ([09:33]): “He has an elementary understanding of English... I have a pretty fraught relationship with him because I never felt seen by him.”

Susan also touches on her involvement in a cult during her time at Harvard—a search for belonging that ultimately led her away from her dysfunctional family dynamics.

Seeking Closure and the Quest for Revenge

Fueled by anger and the desire for justice, Susan embarks on a mission to hold her mother's plastic surgeon accountable. Her efforts include targeted Facebook ads and plans for a class-action lawsuit. However, the doctor's death leaves Susan grappling with unresolved emotions:

Susan Liu ([30:36]): “I realize at the end of the day, it's still about family.”

This realization shifts her focus from seeking revenge to addressing the lingering familial wounds and finding personal closure.

Transformation Through Art and Performance

Susan channels her grief into artistic expression through her one-woman show, "140 Pounds: How Beauty Killed My Mother." She portrays multiple characters, illustrating her family's tragedy and the silence that prolonged their suffering:

Susan Liu ([13:55]): “My theater is therapeutic theater. I have shown you everything... it is a portal for you to look at your trauma and to also open up that possibility of your own healing.”

Her performances not only serve as a medium for her own healing but also resonate with audiences, encouraging collective grappling with grief.

Evolving Relationships with Family

Over time, Susan's siblings begin to engage with her work, albeit cautiously. While they attend her shows and participate in discussions, deeper conversations about their shared loss remain elusive:

Susan Liu ([20:13]): “We still have not had the talk. We are not emotionally vulnerable.”

Despite these challenges, Susan collaborates with her sister on a chocolate company, symbolizing small steps towards reconciling their past.

Embracing Continuous Grief and Personal Growth

Susan emphasizes that grief is not a finite process but a continuous aspect of life that shapes one's identity:

Susan Liu ([12:18]): “Grief is beautiful... it is around and it is a part of you.”

She discusses the importance of integrating grief into daily life, allowing oneself to feel joy alongside sorrow, and using grief as a catalyst for personal transformation.

Motherhood and Legacy

Reflecting on her own journey into motherhood, Susan shares the renewed grief she experiences during postpartum moments, exacerbated by the absence of her mother:

Susan Liu ([29:33]): “...the grief is like the loss of the lineage around my mother tongue... our Vietnamese heritage...”

Susan navigates these emotions by fostering a connection with her cultural roots and striving to preserve her heritage for her children.

Final Reflections and Moving Forward

In concluding the episode, Susan discusses her ongoing relationship with her mother's memory, balancing spiritual connections with practical healing. She underscores the necessity of self-reliance in the grief journey:

Susan Liu ([35:31]): “Only I can make myself feel whole. They can't do it for me.”

Heather and Susan affirm the importance of personal responsibility in healing, encouraging listeners to engage with their own grief authentically while respecting others' boundaries.

Closing Thoughts

This episode of "A Place of Yes" offers a raw and insightful exploration of how grief can both isolate and transform individuals. Susan Liu's courageous sharing underscores the complexity of familial relationships, the impact of cultural stigmas on emotional expression, and the profound potential for art to heal and connect.

Notable Quotes:

• Susan Liu ([12:18]): "Grief is beautiful... it is around and it is a part of you."
• Susan Liu ([13:55]): "My theater is therapeutic theater... a portal for you to look at your trauma."
• Susan Liu ([35:31]): "Only I can make myself feel whole. They can't do it for me."

For Further Engagement:

• Susan Liu’s Book: The Manicurist Daughter and her one-woman show, 140 Pounds: How Beauty Killed My Mother, offer deeper insights into her journey and artistic process.
• Support Resources: Jake’s Help From Heaven nonprofit continues to showcase stories of grief transformed into positive actions, fostering a community of healing and support.

This summary encapsulates the heart-wrenching and inspiring dialogue between Heather and Susan Liu, providing a comprehensive overview for those who have not listened to the episode.