wavePod

Get Wave AI

How to Support a Grieving Friend Without Making It Awkward - A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast | Wave AI Podcast Notes

Back to A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast

How to Support a Grieving Friend Without Making It Awkward

A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast

Wed Mar 18 2026

Summary

Podcast Summary:

A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast
Episode: How to Support a Grieving Friend Without Making It Awkward
Date: March 18, 2026
Host: Heather Straughter (Jake’s Help From Heaven)
Guest: Heidi Dunston (Certified Grief Educator, Author, Speaker)

Episode Overview

This special 100th episode features host Heather Straughter in a deeply honest discussion with grief educator and author Heidi Dunston. Drawing from the sudden loss of her husband Mike, Heidi offers candid insights on grief’s messy reality, dismantling well-meaning but harmful platitudes, and concrete advice on how friends and family can show up for those who are grieving—without awkwardness or judgment. Through personal stories and practical examples, this episode examines how to be truly present, the pitfalls of silence, and how small gestures can mean the most.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Heidi’s Story: Grief Up Close

[02:13]–[08:13]

Heidi lost her husband suddenly to a heart attack, two days after Christmas and the day before her 40th birthday, while planning a surprise party.
"My life went from planning a 40-person surprise birthday party to being in a room with a time of death, and my life turned upside down and inside out immediately." —Heidi [02:37]
Heather and Heidi reflect on how a single moment divides life into before-and-after, and how control becomes illusory.

2. Trauma, Memory, and Presence

[06:12]–[13:11]

Heidi performed CPR, describing the physical and emotional trauma:
“CPR is not meant to be done on people we love. It changes you.” —Heidi [06:53]
The days and rituals surrounding loss are traumatic, especially when loaded with significant anniversaries (holidays, birthdays, etc.).
Heather and Heidi discuss how memories (wanted and unwanted) linger and shape the grieving process.

3. Navigating Anniversaries & “Hard Days”

[09:45]–[13:11]

Both women recount facing clusters of emotionally charged dates, and strategies for coping, such as leaving town to avoid memory-laden environments.
Heidi: “I chose not to be home my first year... I strategically went somewhere where I didn’t have memories of him.” [13:11]

4. Feeling Under a Microscope

[12:27]–[16:25]

Grievers often feel judged or scrutinized about their coping, even when support is well-intentioned.
“I feel like you live under a microscope. Whether that’s true or not, that is the story I told myself.” —Heidi [12:27]

5. The Judgment Trap & Grief "Kryptonite"

[16:25]–[19:17]

Society’s expectations and judgments can make grievers “armor up” and suppress their true feelings.
“I truly believe judgment is grief kryptonite. It stops us from connecting.” —Heidi [16:45]
Generational differences in grief expression and discussion are examined, with hope that younger generations are breaking harmful cycles.

6. How Not to Be Awkward: What to Say—And Not Say

[19:17]–[33:38]

Common comfort phrases often miss the mark—e.g., “everything happens for a reason,” “at least,” “I’m sorry for your loss,” and “you’re so strong”—and can be hurtful or minimize pain.
Stories of misguided empathy (e.g., pet loss comparisons, “prize for grieving the longest” from a doctor) highlight how well-meaning comments can wound.

Memorable Quotes:

“Call me if you need me” doesn’t work. I didn’t know what I needed.” —Heidi [22:42]
“The silence is like a forever barrier almost.” —Heather [26:55]
“I'm sorry for your loss is one of the stupidest statements ever said.” —Heidi [29:39]
Heidi suggests instead:
- “My heart goes out to you.”
- “How’s today?” rather than “How are you?”
- “How can I support you today?”

7. Showing Up: Actions Over Words

[33:38]–[40:50]

Heidi and Heather share examples of silent presence, small gestures, and physical help—like delivering groceries, taking out the trash, or simply sitting together—being more impactful than words.
“Show up in the ways you can. Don’t overcommit. Don’t assume someone else is stepping in.” —Heidi [38:55]

8. The Power of Humor and Unexpected "Grief Angels"

[34:21]–[37:39]

Grievers appreciate presence and even humor; a neighbor giving Kleenex instead of flowers left a lasting positive memory.
“Humor can help... seven years later, I can still talk about it and smile.” —Heidi [35:49]
Often, it’s unexpected people who step up in meaningful ways.

9. Avoiding Secondary Losses & The Danger of Assumptions

[40:30]–[43:08]

Grief often triggers additional losses—of friendships, community, routine.
“Don’t assume… Everybody thought that [my closest friends] had surrounded me, and they weren’t there.” —Heidi [40:55]

10. When Grievers Have to Console Others

[43:08]–[44:35]

Grievers frequently find themselves comforting the uncomfortable, putting aside their pain to soothe others’ distress.

11. Changing the Conversation: Focus on Life, Not Death

[43:42]–[46:26]

Instead of asking, “How did they die?” ask, “What was their name?” or “Tell me about them.”
“Why do we ask people how somebody died instead of asking how their person lived?” —Heidi [44:35]
The best compliment:
“I wish I met your [loved one]. He sounds like an amazing man.” —Heidi [46:18]

12. Legacy, Meaning & Ongoing Connection

[47:26]–[51:01]

Heidi frames her grief work as an extension of her connection with Mike:
“He’s still helping me make my dreams come true, which is how he loved me and how he loves me still.” [47:26]
Heather, too, honors Jake’s legacy and connection through her podcast and foundation.

13. Moving from Loss to Love

[51:01]–[52:48]

Grief isn’t about the pain of absence; it’s learning how to love in a new way.
“When we move from the loss and into that finding meaning… Instead of saying, I miss Mike, I say, I love Mike. And I really lean into that love.” —Heidi [51:22]

Notable Quotes & Time Stamps

“CPR is not meant to be done on people we love. It changes you.” —Heidi [06:53]
“Judgment is grief kryptonite. It stops us from connecting.” —Heidi [16:45]
“Call me if you need me’ doesn’t work. I didn’t know what I needed.” —Heidi [22:42]
“I'm sorry for your loss is one of the stupidest statements ever said.” —Heidi [29:39]
“The silence is like a forever barrier almost.” —Heather [26:55]
“Show up in the ways you can. Don’t overcommit. Don’t assume.” —Heidi [38:55]
“Why do we ask people how somebody died instead of asking how their person lived?” —Heidi [44:35]
“He’s still helping me make my dreams come true, which is how he loved me and how he loves me still.” —Heidi [47:26]
“When we move from the loss and into that finding meaning… I really lean into that love.” —Heidi [51:22]

Practical Takeaways: How to Support a Grieving Friend

Ask “How’s today?” instead of “How are you?” [22:42]
Use specific offers: “Can I bring groceries?” “Can I pick up your kids?”
Be present: Silence can be powerful if paired with presence (“Can I come sit with you?”).
Send a brief note or even an emoji to show you care [27:55]
Don’t rely on platitudes (“I’m sorry for your loss,” “You're so strong”): They rarely connect.
Acknowledge pain and invite sharing: “My heart goes out to you. Would you like to share a favorite memory?”
Never assume someone else is checking in—reach out yourself.
Avoid asking how someone died; instead, honor how they lived.
Support in practical ways: errands, meals, household help (even garbage runs or taking down Christmas trees).
Show up as you are—presence matters more than perfect words.

Resources & How to Connect with Heidi

Website: heididunston.ca
Social: Heidi Dunston or Lean Into Grief on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram
"Grief is connection, and it deserves to be witnessed." —Heidi [53:59]
Heidi offers free masterclasses for those wanting to learn how to support grieving loved ones.

Episode Tone & Style

The conversation is candid, compassionate, at times gently humorous, and always unfiltered. Heather and Heidi create a safe, validating space—“A Place of Yes”—where messy feelings are embraced and the realities of grief are dealt with head on.

Suggested Listening Timestamps

Heidi’s story of sudden loss: [02:13]
Why platitudes fall short: [21:15], [29:39]
What to do instead—actionable tips: [22:42], [33:38], [38:55]
Focusing on life, not death: [44:35]
Carrying legacy and love onward: [47:26], [51:22]

Closing

Heather thanks Heidi for making grief less intimidating and equipping listeners to be more supportive, present friends and family. Heidi reminds listeners:
“Grief is connection, and it deserves to be witnessed.” [53:59]

This episode is rich in heartfelt wisdom and practical advice—a vital listen for anyone wanting to show up better for those who are grieving.

Loading summary...

Transcript

A (0:00)

Hi, I'm Heather Straughter, and before today's episode begins, I want to take a moment to acknowledge something special. Today marks the 100th episode of a Place of Yes. What started as a way for me to talk about Jake and his life has become something much bigger. Over the past 100 conversations, we've talked about loss, love, resilience, and healing. If you've been listening, sharing the show, or simply holding space for these stories, thank you. This community exists because of you. Hi, I'm Heather Straughter, and this is a Place of Yes. In each episode, we have honest conversations about grief, the messy parts, the unexpected moments, and the ways we begin to heal through heartfelt stories and expert advice. My hope is to offer you comfort, connection, and a reminder that you don't have to navigate this alone. Today I'm joined by Heidi Dunston, a certified grief educator, author and speaker who whose husband Mike died suddenly just two days after Christmas and the day before her 40th birthday. We talk about grief as love, why certain comfort phrases can miss the mark, and the small ways people can show up that truly matter. It's real helpful and full of perspective, and I'm grateful to share it with you. So I'm here today with Heidi Dunston, and it is a conversation that I've been looking forward to. For those of you who've listened to this show, whether once or for multiple seasons, you know that we face grief head on. We don't, you know, tiptoe around it. We don't talk about these stages and all that stuff. We really talk about it in the true form, in the real messy, complicated way that grief hits us. And Heidi's story is deeply layered. She is a griever. She has suffered her own losses. But what I'm most interested in sharing and talking about is that she has taken those losses and she has almost like, done a pivot in her professional career. She is now a certified grief educator, an author, a speaker with a mission of helping others navigate their loss. And not only navigate their own loss, but how others can help their friends or their family navigate loss. Welcome to the show, Heidi. I'm happy to have you here.

B (2:09)

So excited to be here. I'm really looking forward to this. Thanks for having me, Heather.

A (2:13)

Absolutely. Heidi, you lost your husband Mike, tragically, suddenly. Can you start by sharing that story? Because I think that sort of kicks off it all.

B (2:23)

So it was seven years ago. It was two days after Christmas. It was the day before my 40th birthday, and we were going to Costco, because I'd found out that he had planned a 40 person surprise birthday party for me.

A (2:36)

No longer a surprise.

A (14:15)

There's so much there. I mean, I first want to say that we also do a lot of these anniversaries, not home. And it's interesting. I asked if you had been there with Mike because. And I don't know if this is. Because especially at the time we had Ethan, and Jake and ethan were only 15 months apart. So it was just this very, like, hard dynamic. But we have always gone Away. I always call it sort of the death day, which I know it seems dark, but I never like calling it, like, the death anniversary, because to me, anniversary is, like, it brings joy. Like, you know, and. And so I'm always kind of like, it's his death day. But we have always gone to places that we went with him. Because in those moments, like, even though the memories are there, they're not the everyday memory. They're like the really special memories. And sometimes it's just down to New York City, which is close to home, and we just go there. And I can remember being, like, at a park where Ethan was running around, but I was holding Jake. They're talking to me. They're like, beautiful memories. And we still do it this year, actually, we went to Montreal because we had always. Where we live is only about three hours from Montreal, so it's an easy drive. And we used to take him there because we couldn't do airline travel with him. We couldn't do a lot of things with him. So we felt somewhere different. We felt very like we were on vacation. So we tried to do that. But that feeling you just said of being under watch is huge. Because I couldn't agree more that with that the premise of everything being about care and love. But there is judgment. There is. And I get it sometimes, because I don't cry. Like, I cry a ton over the stupidest stuff. Like, I will cry over, like, a commercial on TV or a passage I'm reading in a book. I don't cry typically. Like, sometimes I do, but more often than not, when I'm talking about Jake, I don't. And there's so much judgment, or perceived judgment. Maybe there isn't about that. Like, people, I think, still feel like you should grieve a certain way.

A (40:50)

And that's. Yes, difficult too. And, and a different kind of difficult. But it's. I would imagine it's. Yeah, it's just. And don't assume. And I. And those are, you know, it's, it's so much of this is like words to live by, even if you take the grief component out of. Right? Like, don't commit to things you can't actually do. Don't just say platitudes or whatever. Like, don't just say sayings because they've been said for a zillion years. Like, and don't assume, like, you know what I mean? Like, I think so much of this has been over complicated for generations. Right? Like, it's like, it's just like, be a good human, do what you can do. Think about what's meaningful. I mean, I love your example, right? Like, don't over commit because don't say you're going to. Especially when someone has had a loss. Like, don't add to it because. And you referenced it like some days are. Some days one thing is huge. The other day it's not. And it's not personal. I guess that my other thing would be like, I felt like I had people who. And even I had an experience this past fall that it was kind of when people become so uncomfortable with something around your loss and in this situation. I don't know, a friend of mine, we were talking about Jake and one of my dearest friends, she was like, wait, who's Jake? And like she wasn't paying attention to the conversation. Like it was just one of these. And like I, and I. And because I could be kind of, you know, sarcastic or whatever. I said my dead son. And, and everyone else was like, my husband was like, okay, settle Down. But, like, it was all. We all kind of giggled and whatever, and she just lost her mind and she felt, like, horrible. But. But then the whole thing about it was then I was, like, chasing her to the bathroom and helping her, and I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Why am I now, like, when the griever has to become the consoler? Because the person is uncomfortable with something. And I don't know that that's the best explanation of it, but I think that's a real thing. That happens, too, and it never goes away. I feel like I can't tell you how many times I'm like, I'm trying to make the person feel better over my son being dead.