← A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast 
A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast
I Lost My Dad to Brain Cancer—And I’m Learning to Live With My Grief
00:29:24
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- [00:04]
A
Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Today's episode is brought to you by Saratoga Casino and Hotel. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Leah Stern, an associate marriage and family therapist living in San Diego. Leah lost her dad and her best friend to glioblastoma in August, just eight months after his diagnosis. She reached out after listening to A Place of yes, and I am so honored to have her here, not just to share her story, but to talk to her as a fan and as someone who has benefited from this podcast. Welcome to the show, Leah.
- [00:46]
B
Thank you for having me.
- [00:47]
A
I was so touched when you reached out to me. And I say this on the show sometimes, like, I'm always like, email me, you know, reply, like, tell us things. And sometimes people do. More often than not, it's people I know. So when it's people who I don't know who reach out and write, like, such, like, lovely notes, and it makes me feel. Because sometimes I feel like I put these headphones on and I'm just, like, talking, like, to myself, essentially. So it's so nice when there are people on the other side listening. So what prompted you to reach out?
- [01:16]
B
I already love this to start with, because to be completely transparent, like, before the other podcast, I did, like, I didn't know how to talk about these things. I. I mean, and also being a therapist, too, like, I didn't really know how to, like, approach my grief, even as a therapist. And, like, going on year two, and our. His anniversary is August 1st of, like, this year. So I didn't really talk much about it because, I mean, it's just hard to talk about, and you just feel, like, so misunderstood through the whole process. It was really cool because I've been trying to find, like, part podcast. It actually, like, means something to me and that actually, like, I can learn things from and just feel less alone. And so, like, when I saw yours, I was like, okay, you know, I'm just gonna put myself out there again. And I feel like even just talking about him is a way of honoring him for me.
- [01:58]
A
It feels good to talk about it, right? It feels good to talk about our people and our. Our feelings.
- [02:04]
B
Yeah. You know, friends, you can only talk so much about it, and they can only so say so many things that get really repetitive and annoying after a while, honestly, where I'm like, yeah, I know about this. I know that it's. Thanks. I don't know what you can do. But you want to bring him back. That would be cool. Like, you know, little things and you.
- [02:21]
A
Can'T do that, so. Yes.
- [02:23]
B
Yeah. So I think that's where I just. I've been trying to, like, kind of reevaluate my life a little bit.
- [02:28]
A
No, it doesn't.
- [02:30]
B
And just reevaluate. Like, just kind of try to figure out, like. Sounds really dark, but, like, feel something again where I can just like. I also want to find, like, a purpose, too.
- [02:40]
A
No, I love that. And I love that. You know, that was when we started this show. It was one of the things that was really important to us. You know, obviously, like, allow people's feelings and things to be heard and validated and understood and all of that. But also that there is this whole world out there that is taking, you know, there. There's all the cliches, like, you know, pain into purpose and grief for good and all of those things. But, you know, they're cliches because they are real and they're true. Let's talk about your dad. Let's get into it. A father daughter relationship can be so special. Right. Like, it's just different than others. You know, you describe him as your best friend. So tell me about him.
- [03:15]
B
It's really. So. I'm an only child, I think, honestly, probably, like the past. I'll say so. I'm 28 now, so probably like the past decade. Ish. I think that's when we really got closer and so just like, empathetic, caring. The most generous guy ever. Always cared about people. The best listener. Like, I talked to him about literally everything. Quite literally everything. Which was. Which is so cool to like, have had. Have had that bond. Too active. Like, very. I mean, that's also, of course, like, with this type of disease too. Like, it just attacks the people that are so healthy. And I'm just. It'll be something I'm always so annoyed about. When he was going through chemo, like, I would take him and there were a couple times where we would be in the waiting room and he would, like, sit. Like, the nurse would bring him back and he'd be like, can I bring my best friend with me? And I'm like, you've never called me that. He's always been like, no, I'm your dad. I'm not your friend.
- [04:05]
A
But, you know, like, it was like, during this time.
- [04:08]
B
Yeah. And it was kind of like, in a joking way that, you know, he would always say, like, I'm your dad first. Like, you know, friend Whatever.
- [04:14]
A
Well, that's what parents say. I say it all the time.
- [04:16]
B
I feel like that always, that that's like such a core memory too. Like, my friends adored him. I mean, everyone, my mom and I always say too, like, everyone loved, like, loves Roger. That was always kind of like a quote that we would say.
- [04:28]
A
What do you miss most? What is it that you would give anything to have back? Like, if you could have him back for like 15 minutes, what would. What would you want to do?
- [04:36]
B
I just want to say I really appreciate these. This question. So he would always do this thing where, like, during COVID we went on really long walks together. We would just go on these like hour long walks and I continued them. But he would always kind of do this thing where he'd be like, oh, tell me about so and so, like, what's going on with so and so? And it would be either like a friend or like if I was like dating someone at the time, he'd be like, oh, tell me about, you know. And I always just kind of wanted to get the tea on everything. I saved a lot, a couple of his voicemails. So, like, just hearing his voice helps a lot. Probably just like a 15 minute walk and update him on, like, where I'm at in my hours right now and how I might be licensed within the next, like six months. Just where I'm at in my career for sure. Because, like, even the last, like, couple months before, he wasn't able to talk. He would have a lot of friends, you know, we'd have a lot of friends and family come and visit. And he would always just say, like, how proud he was of me. And he'd be like, she's. We're just so proud of her. And it was something that I know he always said to me. There was just something about, like, his voice and how calm he was when I was flipping out. And it just like brought me back and I miss that. There are so many milestones coming up and so many big things coming up that may not even be that big, but I feel like they're bigger now that he's not here. And I think that's where it's weighed so much heavier on me. I think now as I get older, I'm thinking like, okay, maybe it'll get a little bit easier. Maybe, like the pain will soften a little bit more. But I'm like, no, I feel like as I keep getting older and I feel like there's more happening that I want him to be here for. And like, that's I think where I feel like my vision of like, future stuff in general has been so distorted from this journey is because I think now it's really hard to see me married right now. It's really hard to see me with kids right now. It's really hard to see my friends getting engaged and getting married and having that two parent bond. And it's really the most confusing thing ever. But I think I've tried to do so much more work on myself and actually feel those feelings now and feel that like, disappointment and that anger and all those feelings that go with grief too and like, accept that for myself. But then I feel like as I keep accepting it for myself, that harder and sadder it is.
- [06:35]
A
It is very twisted. And I appreciate so much your like, honesty with that because I think that is so true. Right? Like, because at the end of the day it's harder because it's more time that they've missed. Like you said, with every month it's another month that he wasn't in your life. Like, I think we have to let our brain sit in those feelings.
- [06:53]
B
I have moments where I've gone and I've talked to my mom about this. Like, I go maybe three, four days without thinking about him. And then I find myself feeling guilty. Cause I'm like, oh my God, am I forgetting about him? And I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm just actually living the way he want me to and continuing to like, live and do things. And then when I do think about, I'm like, okay, good, he, he's still there, but then he's not there. But then I'm like, what the hell is happening?
- [07:14]
A
You're like, what is happening? There's no preparation for grief, right? Like, you know, you can hear the nonsense of like, oh, you know, you're supposed to bury your parents. That's the circle of life. But you're not supposed to bury them when you're 28 years old or, you know, 26. And it doesn't like, it doesn't matter if you're supposed to or not, right? Like, like my husband in the last couple years lost both his parents and they were in their 80s. You know, it didn't make it any easier.
- [07:37]
B
He used to make jokes where he'd be like, oh, you're gonna have to like, be taking care of us and you're gonna have to do all this stuff. And it's not even. I mean, I was more than happy to be a part of a caretaker role, honestly, because I Wouldn't have had it any other way. But being in that role at 26, when I was 26, like, you know, I was working full time still. So I would try to do like, little things or like bringing him a milkshake from in and out or something like that. That just like made him happy and like, made him smile. But I was like, this, this doesn't, this isn't right.
- [08:05]
A
And that's. And that's the thing. Grief is often just not what it's supposed to be. Like, you talk about. You can't even picture yourself getting married now. You can't even picture yourself having kids. Like, it's, it's hard to have those dreams and have those like, thoughts for yourself. How do you process that?
- [08:20]
B
No, I mean, that's the thing is like, probably. I mean, I didn't even date during the time that he was diagnosed. Like during those eight months. Even the first year after, I was like, nope, I'm staying away from that. If the opportunity presents itself, cool. But I'm not going out and looking for that right now. And like now I'm definitely like, on more of that. I know it sounds so cheesy, but that like, self love journey of. And also prioritize, like being licensed and prioritize my career. It is really sad too because I definitely at one point did not like seeing anyone happy in a relationship. I didn't like seeing anyone enjoying their relationship with their dad. Like, I know that sounds so.
- [08:55]
A
No, it doesn't. It's, it's. I mean, that is. I think one of the things that makes this show different is we say the things that are real, right? Like, that's real. Like it's a legit feeling. Like, and you don't have to feel bad about it. It's okay to say I'm jealous. Like, I'm jealous of that. I want my dad back 100, like.
- [09:10]
B
And I never like using the word jealous. But you just like summed it up perfectly. You know, we talked about like, when I have kids, like him going to baseball games with my kids and throwing the ball around. And it's definitely like distorted thought, but it's like, it's not like I'm. I'm definitely open to it. I'm not close minded to it by any means, but it is different. Like, how can I be ready after all of this? But then I know I am because I was in a relationship during like the last. To like the first year of my dad passing.
- [09:37]
A
It is, you know, it's almost like you are going into new experiences, bringing him with you and it finding out how to balance that. Right? Like because your next relationship or like when you get married or you have kids, like he's going to be there, just not in the way that you anticipated. And it's figuring out how to, how to do that because I know, like, I always want Jake to be front of mind for people. Even though he's not here. You find a way to keep them present. You know, like Ethan has a girlfriend now and she knows all about Jake. It's not the same as them knowing each other and all being together. But it's nice that you like, you can, you can keep them present.
- [10:12]
B
Yeah, I do. I mean, I do so much to try to keep his presence alive too, like as much as I can.
- [10:18]
A
Like you said, like every day you try to do at least one thing. Like, what are other ways that you keep him present?
- [10:24]
B
One of the biggest, like life lessons, if you will, that he taught me was like taking like every opportunity and like as cheesy it is too, like living life to the fullest. But he always mentioned the taking every opportunity. If something presents itself in my day to day life where like I kind of feel like, oh, maybe I shouldn't do that today or like, maybe I don't feel like doing that. I'm like, nope, he'd want me to do it. And so that's actually another interesting thing is I didn't take bereavement leave after he passed because the voice in my head, that was him was like, no, you're gonna fucking work and you're not gonna like, stop because of me and you're gonna just keep working, keep going. Yeah, I'm so glad that I did. I knew I was making a difference. And I think that was my way of like honoring him as well and knowing that like everything I'm doing, whatever it is, like he's proud.
- [11:12]
A
You know, it's interesting because I think some people could listen and be like, no, you're supposed to have taken the leave. And that would have been. But I hear you. Like, and I was raised very similar. Like my dad was like, I don't care if you're sick, go to work. Like, just go to work.
- [11:23]
B
I mean, so to actually like answer your question too, like, one of the biggest things, I mean, I talk to him a lot and it's just the most random little things ever. Being like, did you just see what I did? That was lame. That was stupid. Like.
- [11:39]
A
You talk out loud.
- [11:40]
B
Yeah.
- [11:41]
A
Or like out loud. I Love that I. I talk out.
- [11:43]
B
Loud and I do it, like, in my car. That's, I think, where I do it the most, because I like being alone, of course. And people probably think I'm talking to myself, but, like, you know, I feel like it's also. It feels nice. This is a cute little thing that my mom and I have kind of discovered was we have a little motion sensor light in the side of our house. And I moved out, I think, probably like, six to eight months after he passed. And so when I go over there, this motion motion sensor light, like, 99.9% of the time, nothing there. And this light comes on, and we have officially coined it as Roger.
- [12:17]
A
I love that so much. And I'm so, like, I'm so glad you share that.
- [12:21]
B
Yeah, no, and I think that's what's so cool, too, is when you can find something and kind of, like, name it. It brings that sense of comfort, too. But, yeah, I definitely. I've been trying to find more signs. I have a couple things that I think of. I'm always like. I want them to be more present because I think that's.
- [12:36]
A
And you want to make sure you're not, like, forcing something and making it up. Like, you. Yeah, no, I know, but it's so. I think, you know, once you can find it and kind of, like, believe it and it happens enough that you know it, that you really know it's the sign. If you had told me 15 years ago that I'd be so excited to, like, see a cardinal, I never would have believed it. But when you're in these shoes, when you have lost someone so important, when you are living this life, like, you know, I always say there's all, you know, your life, you have all these emotions, and they all live side by side and. But when. When grief is ever present, the joy that, like, seeing that light or me seeing a cardinal or any of that, like, it. It can change your whole day. I think that's really special, you know? Yes, it'd be better if they were still here, but the fact that we can still have them with us is awesome.
- [13:19]
B
Yeah, it's like. It's just a little, like, token of something.
- [13:23]
A
So I do want to touch on a little bit. I can honestly say I knew nothing about glioblastoma prior to this year. Like, I'd heard of it, but I know I knew nothing about it. And then you're our fourth guest that has been impacted by glioblastoma. We had Kate and Maria, who's the author of the book you can't do it alone. And then Rebecca Finegloss. We didn' talk about it as much, but her father also passed away, who was her best friend, not from glioblastoma, but her mother, when she was young, passed away from glioblastoma. I want to talk a little bit about this disease partially because I do think it is not well known. You know, people know about cancers, but you think about like lung cancers and, I don't know, breast cancer and even colon cancer has commercials on. But there's nothing about glioblastoma. So can you talk a little bit about the disease, how quick it comes and how hard it hits?
- [14:12]
B
Yeah, hard is like, I think a great way to describe it and even like a little bit of an understatement too. It's just like, boom. So I didn't know about it either. There is so much lack of research. When at that time I was learning that it was about a six to eight month lifespan. And what was weird is my dad made it the exact eight months. It was like, he sounds so weird, but he made that cut like that exact from diagnosis to end. So, so aggressive. It attacks every part of your body, brain, physical, well being, mental well being, just everything.
- [14:46]
A
It's brutal. Like it's a brutal timeline. And how did it hit your family? Like, like how did you find out?
- [14:51]
B
Yeah, so this was back in. So I had actually just finished my master's program. So, yeah, back In August of 2022, I had just moved back home one night I had gotten into a car accident and I got a concussion. That was the night that he actually started having his headaches. Him and my mom were supposed to go to a trip, on a trip to New York that night. And I was going to take them to the airport. Obviously wasn't able to take them to the airport, but my dad ended up going on the trip anyways. And it was during that time where the headaches were pretty consistent. But when he comes back, he went to his primary and they were like, okay, well we can't give you an MRI for like a couple weeks. And we're like, no, he needs an mri. Like, this is not normal. And she was like, no, no, no. Like we don't. He doesn't need it. So my mom basically forced him to go to urgent care and he drove himself. And we are so effing thankful that he did because they were able to do an MRI that night. They didn't find out that it was the diagnosis, but they Knew he had a tumor and that it was cancerous. So they actually were able to do emergency.
- [15:53]
A
So that night, like, right at urgent care.
- [15:55]
B
Yeah, and we're able to. He was able to go right into emergency surgery. And so they were able to remove about 70% of it. But the thing is, is that the cancer had already crossed, like, his midline, so they weren't able to, like, go across because it would have been more detrimental. So they removed 70%. Day after I was at work, and he was like, I'm doing fine. Like, and I'm always going to remember this, too, but I remember him always being like, I know you need me, so I'm going to be fine.
- [16:18]
A
Like, did you think that they had, like, they had done enough to catch it and things were going to get better?
- [16:23]
B
Honestly, I think I knew that he would have to go. Since I knew it was cancerous, I knew he would have to go through the chemo and radiation. And having even the thought of, like, oh, my dad has cancer is really gnarly. My hope was too, like, because we didn't know, since glioblastoma is so rapid, they had actually told us that if they hadn't caught it, he would have died in two weeks.
- [16:42]
A
So if he hadn't gone in to the urgent care, he would have been dead in two weeks.
- [16:46]
B
And so it was, like, because of how quick it was. So it was like, maybe even a week. Like, they were just like, he. He wouldn't have made it. It was interesting, though, because for the first, like, four or five months, like, he was doing this chemo and radiation. I had seen my, like, first convulsive seizure that he had March of 2023, that really, like, you saw a change and you saw, you know, he was confined to a wheelchair. He had caretakers. He never complained. Yeah, he was in pain a lot toward the end, but, like, he never complained. He was so positive. And I'd be like, how are you doing? He's like, I'm fine. I'm good. How are you? I'm like, no, you're not. I don't understand. During that time, like, March until August, it was like, a lot of, yeah, continuous, like, hospital visits. He would fall because he would lose his balance. He had a lot of memory. The memory was really taking a toll. He would wake up in the middle of the night to, like, cook breakfast because chemo made him so hungry. I don't think I ever really realized, like, kind of the mini, like, trauma I have around that, too, where, like, I hate Hospitals now. I hate doctor's visits. I have to treat myself to Taco Bell. After time, I go to a. Like, a doctor's appointment. I. And even, like, the sound of his. Like, a walker, because he would walk through the hallways with his walker, and when he would get up in the middle of the night, it was like, I would instantly wake up and go see if he needed help. So it really. I mean, when it took that turn, it was like the last four months were just boom, boom, boom. Losing memory, losing ability to walk, losing talk. Like, he wasn't able to talk for, I think, like, the last month. I think the last, like, month and a half, two months, it decreased to the point where, like, the last word I had with him, literally one word was I had bought him an acai bowl, and I was feeding it to him, and he had said banana, and that was it. And that was the last word. And I think. And it's like those little memories that I really cherish within those last, like, four or five months that were so. I mean, seeing the deterioration was traumatizing. And I definitely don't use that word lightly, especially as a therapist.
- [18:42]
A
Does it scare you? Like, does it scare you for yourself? Like, do you take that and apply that to others? Or are you able to sort of recognize the progression or just, like, the fear of how quick you can lose someone?
- [18:52]
B
That's. That's such a. Honestly, a beautiful question, because I think I had to kind of think, okay, I have a new, like, lease on life, if you will, right now. And I think given everything he taught me, like, I definitely feel like I need to live life more and take those opportunities that he taught me. It makes me really sad because I think about that a lot. And, like, I definitely. I mean, it's the same thing now. Like, I call my mom when I'm bored, and I'm like, hi. Okay, we don't have anything to talk about. Hey, I just wanted to call. And. Yeah, I really don't like using that word, jealousy. But, like, it is really hard because I definitely, like, don't ever wish this, any of, like, this grief stuff on anyone. You just never know. And it's like, this is what I was. Like, the one thing I genuinely hate about life is, like, how fast things happen and the unfairness of it, too.
- [19:38]
A
And the impact forever. Yeah, I love the way, though, you talked about, like, not the fear, because that's not it. Right? Like, it's like. But it. The lease on life, like, the second chance almost. And in my, like, 15 years of this sort of grief journey. I'm, like, hot and cold with that, but I'm very committed now. And part of it is, I think, because, I don't know, I'm 51. Like, I'm on the other side of 50, and I'm very. Like, something about that age for me, has been very, like, freeing in a way. And also, like, I'm just less concerned about things, and I'm more concerned about what's important. But there is, like, a change, right? Like, it. It does change you. Not just who you are as a person, but it changes you and who you kind of want to be and how you want to live and how you see the world.
- [20:20]
B
The anger comes in so many different forms for me. I get really angry when people, like. I don't want to say trash talk, because that's such a weird word, but, like, when people, like, diss their parents or treat their parents badly, and I'm like, really? You're gonna, like, yell at them like that? My dad would never stand for that. My dad would be like, you watch your tone. Like, you do not talk to us that way. I'm like, that's something. I mean, that's a big one. It sounds so insensitive. But at the same time, I'm also definitely not gonna, like, apologize for, like, you know, these big feelings that we have. Because, like, I don't think ever apologize for this. Because, you know, everyone will this with this in their own way, too. But everything, like, father, daughter related makes me beyond angry. Like, with Father's Day coming up, like, that's. I'm already scared about that. I already know I'm gonna stay away from social media on that. I get really angry scene. Like, I have a neighbor that's like. Has a younger daughter, and, like, it's like a family of three. Like, same only child. And when I see, like, the dad with the daughter, I'm like. Like, it's little things like that where I just.
- [21:22]
A
And it's like, you don't even understand it in yourself sometimes, but it's so visceral.
- [21:25]
B
It is. I don't even really tell people this, but I feel like in my head, I'm subtly, like, enjoy the time that you have. Whatever that looks like. Grief, of course, comes in so many different ways, but, like, just enjoy whatever the relationship is you have with them.
- [21:39]
A
I wanted to go back to, like, the word jealousy. It's not a nice word. Like, it's kind of. It has, like, negative connotations for sure. But for me, at Least it's, like, a very accurate word. I don't know another word that has the same kind of feeling. I feel like you can be jealous and not, like, it's an ugly emotion, but it's also, like, everybody is jealous of something. You know, I think those are really big feelings, and I think sometimes we don't tap into them because we don't want to. We don't want to admit it, but I think once you can admit it, you kind of. It frees you a little bit.
- [22:13]
B
I like the freeing part because it definitely feels good to, like, admit that that's actually the word that I'm feeling.
- [22:18]
A
Like, to pretend that it's not true can be so hard.
- [22:21]
B
Something that you said actually really resonated with me, too, because, you know, that anticipatory grief, like, really kicked in, like, probably right when he was diagnosed because I was like, you know, I would always be, like, there's a chance, you know? But I never really, like, thought anything of it. Like, the person that I was before these two years is absolutely not who I am now. I think that's the biggest thing now that I'm trying to learn for myself is figuring out who I am and my. Yeah. My priorities. And it's really. It's. It's really scary to, like, kind of not. Not know who I am anymore.
- [22:53]
A
I think that's huge. Right? Like, and to some degree, we're always trying to figure that out, but you have. When you have a really big loss, it's like your whole identity shifts, and everything you thought you wanted or knew or understood just gets kind of pulled out from under you.
- [23:06]
B
Yeah.
- [23:07]
A
Where are you now? Different than where you were. This is where I started, and this is where I am. And then where do I want to be? Like, how would you, like, pinpoint it?
- [23:15]
B
Yeah. Truly, like, that first year after you pass. Because with the anticipatory grief, like, during the eight months, I really don't think I was present in any aspect of my life. I think work was the only stable thing I really had. And then I think over the past, like. Yeah. Since it's gonna be two years in August, I think I definitely. This sounds funny, but, like, have more confidence about, like, who I want to become now and who I am now. And I think not apologizing for where I'm at in my grief is, I think, really hard because I do find myself going to MIA with my friends. I find myself not wanting to talk to people. I find myself so, like, deep in it, where it is hard to find like a way out. I think that's where I'm at now is trying to just like really continue feeling that and being patient with myself.
- [24:03]
A
And, and there is. The responsibility is not always on us, the ones that are grieving. It's a little bit on our friends too. So like if you do go mia, they can reach out to you. You know, if you don't hear from Leah for a while, send her a text, check on her. That's fair to put that out there too.
- [24:17]
B
I think we need to normalize that more now too. I'm going through something really fucking hard that like, I don't know how long I'm gonna feel this way. I don't know how long this is gonna last. I don't know how long I'm gonna not want to talk to anyone. And I've recognized like the real ones will stick with me and then the ones that kind of don't, don't and it's okay.
- [24:35]
A
That's totally it. It's okay. One of my kind of like wrap up questions and, and I never used to ask these, but I actually think this has become a really kind of helpful component in the conversations and in the show. So someone, someone's listening out there. They have just lost a parent. What would you tell them?
- [24:50]
B
I think the patience part is huge. It's okay to not be okay right now. And like, yes, this feeling honestly might last for a long time. And it doesn't mean that there's like anything wrong with you or you're going through it in any wrong way. Because I feel like there's. That's why I also love this conversation too, is like, there's no wrong way to grieve by any means. And there's no definition, honestly, for grief. And I think that's another thing too. Like, life does not prepare you for this thing. So do what feels right for you, whatever that looks like. And honestly finding like one thing a day to like do something for you.
- [25:25]
A
Like, it's all, I mean, I think that's really honest, right? Like, it is all okay and it's going to feel different. Like it's okay to not be okay. I mean, I always say these things. I'm like, oh, they're so cliche or whatever, but they're, they're true. Like people say them for a reason.
- [25:38]
B
And I think that's exactly the thing too is like I used to think, like, oh, I needed all this support around me and I needed all these. But I really found like, I think the More that I was able to, like, be with myself and, like, discover myself and, like, this new self, Like, I think that became even more empowering. I'm doing it the way that I need to do it for myself.
- [25:58]
A
I think you're right. Like, we all have to go through this journey in our own way, and we have to find that balance of, like, what is the difference between, like, figuring this out on our own and when are we isolating too much? How do we reach out? Like, and what is that? And I struggle with this because I expect people to read my mind all the time, you know? Note to self, Heather. They can't. So sometimes that looks like me hiding or it looks like me isolating, when really it's. I want someone to send me a text and be like, hey, let's go grab a drink. Or, hey, I haven't heard anything about Jake in a while. Want to share a story? Or, hey, what do you think Jake would look like at 19? You know, like, I would like someone to ask me those, but they don't because they can't read my mind. So where's that line where I can verbalize it?
- [26:39]
B
I think that's another thing, too, is such a touchy subject. Like, people don't want to upset you, and people don't. People think you're asking for advice. When you want to talk about. It's like, no, I just. I just want you to.
- [26:49]
A
I just want you to listen. I just want you to hear it.
- [26:51]
B
And that's it.
- [26:52]
A
What has it. And you've talked about, like, how you were a different person before this and after and all this stuff, but what has it taught you about love? Like, big love?
- [27:00]
B
Well, oh, I'm gonna try not to get emotional with this one because I really like this one a lot. My mom always tells me, too. She's like, there's one of the reasons why, like, you're feeling this so much is because you had such a special relationship with him. And, like, that is a form of love, too, Is, like, how much you miss him, is how much love you had for that person. And, like, that's why I think with grief, not even having a timeline, like, I could feel this way for, like, 20 years. And I'm like, oh, it's because there were 26 years of love with me and my dad. And if it takes 26 years, so be it. You know, I think presence has been really hard for me. I think that that's. That's something that I think grief has really taught me, too, is like, Just really being present with not even just how you're feeling with it, but just where you are in your life, like, just enjoying even, like, the little things, like a concert or, like, even just, like, whatever it is.
- [27:51]
A
Yeah, I totally agree with your mom. Like, with big love comes big, the ability for big hurt. Right? Like, it's just these people are so important to us, but it's worth it. I wish that I knew your dad. I can feel, like, the love you had for him and, like, the relationship, and it's so beautiful, and it's so evident in the way that you talk and the way you share about him. So I encourage you to keep doing that. I think that can be the best form of therapy, is just sharing and talking and being there and finding the people who want to hear the stories. Right? Like, you've got a. You got 26 years of great stories with your dad, and the keepers are the ones that will sit there and listen to them even if they've already heard them, right?
- [28:31]
B
Yeah, the same. And that's the thing, too, is that whole, like, everybody loved Raj, Roger. It's true.
- [28:36]
A
And I feel 100% that Roger is totally into this conversation, and he's really, really proud of you for keeping him alive and for sharing him with everybody.
- [28:46]
B
Thank you.
- [28:47]
A
I think that you are doing a really great job of being really present for yourself and really trying to honor your father. And I'm really grateful that you reached out, and I'm grateful that you were a guest on this show. Thank you so much, Leah.
- [28:58]
B
Thank you for having me. This is, like, such a cool experience.
- [29:03]
A
Thank you for listening to A Place of Yes. Please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend. It would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell. Today's episode is brought to you by Saratoga Casino and Hotel.