Losing My Sister at 15 - One Year Later

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Losing My Sister at 15 - One Year Later" from A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast

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Introduction

In the poignant episode titled "Losing My Sister at 15 - One Year Later," host Bright Sighted engages in a deeply personal conversation with Sophia Allen. Following a powerful roundtable discussion from the previous month about the loss of Sophia's sister, Olivia Allen, this episode delves into Sophia's unique perspective on sibling grief, the profound transformations within her family dynamics, and the unspoken challenges she faces. Released on March 27, 2025, this episode marks nearly a year since Olivia's passing, offering listeners an intimate look into life after such an overwhelming loss.

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Sophia’s Personal Journey

Sophia Allen, a high school junior, shares her heart-wrenching experience of losing her sister, Olivia, to leukemia at the age of 18. Diagnosed a year prior, Olivia's battle with cancer profoundly impacted Sophia and her family.

Sophia Allen [00:02]: "I lost my, like, unit of four. I lost my parents being happy. My parents lost their daughter, their first child. [...] You're not just grieving your sister, you're grieving your entire life."

Sophia underscores the depth of her loss, emphasizing that grieving Olivia extends beyond the absence of a sibling—it encompasses the loss of the life and future they once envisioned together.

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Overlooked Sibling Grief

The conversation highlights a critical yet often neglected aspect of grief: the loss of a sibling. Sophia articulates how societal and familial attention frequently centers on parental grief, inadvertently sidelining the profound sorrow siblings endure.

Podcast Host [02:43]: "Sibling loss is a huge loss. So often the focus is on parental loss, right?"

Sophia concurs, sharing her personal experiences where inquiries from others predominantly concerned her mother and Olivia, leaving her own emotional needs unaddressed.

Sophia Allen [03:22]: "[...] How am I doing? And it’s like, I know they don’t mean it, but it was never a good answer."

This dynamic showcases the complexity of grief within families, where the surviving sibling's pain can become secondary in the collective mourning process.

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Shifts in Family Dynamics

Sophia delves into the altered family structure following Olivia's illness and passing. With Olivia and their mother frequently hospitalized, Sophia found herself primarily responsible for home duties alongside her father, leading to feelings of abandonment and increased pressure.

Sophia Allen [07:11]: "It was weird. [...] I remember making that remark, like, oh, it's like, I have, like, a single dad, and I’m so grateful."

The absence of Olivia at home created a void not easily filled, amplifying Sophia's sense of loneliness and responsibility within the household.

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Coping Mechanisms and Resilience

Despite the immense challenges, Sophia exhibits remarkable resilience. Balancing rigorous academic demands with her grief, she demonstrates a steadfast commitment to her responsibilities, often foregoing personal time to maintain stability in her life.

Sophia Allen [09:13]: "I feel proud of myself because I’m a junior in high school [...] I’m not saying I won’t cry, but I definitely, like, can get through anything."

Her determination to persevere, even when faced with overwhelming emotions, underscores a powerful testament to her inner strength.

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Reflections on Childhood Memories and Last Moments

Sophia reminisces about the ordinary, yet cherished moments with Olivia, contrasting them sharply with the trauma of her sister's illness and death. These memories are bittersweet, serving as both a source of comfort and a painful reminder of what was lost.

Sophia Allen [17:15]: "I just wish I could grow up and be like, oh, I remember her helping me put on my wedding dress."

The conversation also touches on the difficult final days, where Sophia grappled with denial and the harsh reality of Olivia's impending death.

Sophia Allen [28:10]: "[...] I think, like, something could happen. It makes me very anxious."

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Parental Grief and Survivor’s Guilt

Sophia observes her parents' grieving process, noting their struggles to find happiness post-Olivia's passing. She candidly shares her own survivor's guilt, feeling responsible for her parents' continued sorrow and grappling with the notion that her survival somehow overshadows Olivia's loss.

Sophia Allen [20:16]: "I lost my, like, unit of four. I lost, like, my parents being happy."

This dual grief—mourning both her sister and the altered state of her family—adds layers of complexity to Sophia's emotional landscape.

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Moving Forward and Looking to the Future

As Sophia approaches the end of high school and considers college, she contemplates how to honor Olivia's memory while forging her own path. The impending transition symbolizes both an escape from the haunting memories and a step towards building a new life.

Sophia Allen [38:33]: "[...] I'm very excited about college because it will be like a fresh start from."

Sophia acknowledges the ongoing presence of Olivia in her life, even as she seeks to establish her independence and embrace new beginnings.

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Conclusion

"Losing My Sister at 15 - One Year Later" is a raw and honest exploration of the multifaceted nature of grief, particularly the often-overlooked pain of losing a sibling. Sophia Allen's narrative serves as a powerful reminder of the enduring impact of loss on individual lives and family dynamics. Through her resilience and introspection, listeners gain valuable insights into navigating grief and the importance of acknowledging and addressing the unique challenges faced by surviving siblings.

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Notable Quotes

1. Sophia Allen [00:02]: "You're not just grieving your sister, you're grieving your entire life."
2. Podcast Host [02:43]: "Sibling loss is a huge loss. So often the focus is on parental loss, right?"
3. Sophia Allen [03:22]: "How am I doing? And it’s like, I know they don’t mean it, but it was never a good answer."
4. Sophia Allen [09:13]: "I feel proud of myself because I’m a junior in high school [...] I’m not saying I won’t cry, but I definitely, like, can get through anything."
5. Sophia Allen [20:16]: "I lost my, like, unit of four. I lost, like, my parents being happy."
6. Sophia Allen [38:33]: "I'm very excited about college because it will be like a fresh start from."

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Final Thoughts

This episode of A Place of Yes eloquently captures the intricate tapestry of emotions and experiences that accompany the loss of a sibling. Sophia Allen's story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the enduring bonds of family, even in the face of unimaginable loss. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their understanding of grief and the importance of recognizing and supporting all facets of a grieving individual’s journey.

Transcript

[Sophia Allen]

I lost my, like, unit of four. I lost my parents being happy. My parents lost their daughter, their first child. I think about her being like my maid of honor. I think about me not being an aunt to her kids. It's all these things all the time. You're not just grieving your sister, you're grieving your entire life.

[Podcast Host]

Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkness, darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Welcome to the show. In today's episode, we have a deeply personal one on one conversation with Sophia Allen following last month's powerful roundtable discussion about the loss of her sister, Olivia Allen. In that episode, we heard not only from Sophia, but from Olivia's mother, Melissa, and her best friend, Aubrey. They shared their grief after Olivia's battle with leukemia ended just about a year ago and left behind a devastated family and community. This episode, however, offers a deeply personal look through Sophia's eyes. Her reflections on sibling loss, the profound shifts she's experienced in family dynamics, and the things she wishes others would understand or do differently when dealing with such heartbreaking loss. It's a raw and honest conversation that explores the life we live after losing those we love most. And it offers insights into the unspoken challenges. Thank you for listening to this poignant, heartfelt episode. So today I am sitting here with Sophia Allen, who was a previous guest on A Place of Yes. So we're here to talk about your sister, Olivia Allen. And for those in my audience who don't know who Liv was, she passed away almost a year ago. And actually, when this episode comes out, it's gonna be just around the one year mark. And she was 18 when she passed. And she was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 17.

[Sophia Allen]

Yes.

[Podcast Host]

And passed away March 2024. I wanted to invite you back to talk more. So thank you for coming back.

[Sophia Allen]

Thank you for inviting me. I'm Sophia Allen. I'm a junior in high school, and my sister passed away in the middle of my sophomore year, which was definitely challenging. My sister and I were like best friends. We did everything with each other, even though we were two and a half years apart. We both played field hockey, and her friends were my friends. She always was with my friends. We were together constantly.

[Podcast Host]

And one of the things that I have thought about a lot, like with you a lot through this podcast is just this idea about how siblings are so often overlooked in grief. It's almost like I'm trying to undo some of the wrongs that I did when Jake passed away. I thought about Ethan as part of our family, but I didn't necessarily think about him losing his brother. And I feel so kind of guilty about that. Sibling loss is a huge loss. So often the focus is on parental loss, right?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

So I want to talk a little bit about that. What it feels like to lose your sibling and as you said, your best friend. Can you talk a little bit about what that feels like?

[Sophia Allen]

So I would say, like, the focusing on the parents part, that was like, not an issue, but it really stood out to me. Like, even during, like the treatment, like immediately after she was diagnosed, I came to school and it was, how's your mom doing? How's your sister doing? Although, like, I would love to tell everyone how they're doing, it was never a good answer, first of all. And second of all, I'm standing right there, going to school, taking hard classes, like, how am I doing? And it's like, I know they don't mean it, but it's too awkward for them to ask how I'm doing, so they just automatically jump to my mom and my sister.

[Podcast Host]

Do you think that's what it is? Do you think that they just were scared to ask you?

[Sophia Allen]

I hope it's. They're scared, but I don't know. I think it really depends on the person too. Like, some people are like, it's fine, like, I'm distracted. Well, my sister's the one going through it. And I think that could also be like a big factor, that I'm not the one who's like getting treatment and I'm not the one who has to stay in the hospital. So maybe that's where it like got overlooked. But even when she passed away, it was, oh, when's your mom coming back to work? How is she doing? And it was just like, do you not see that I'm standing right here? Like, and if they ever did ask if I was okay, it was very, like, they didn't want, like a full response. They want, I'm good.

[Podcast Host]

That's a really interesting point. Right. Because there's that. It's like a double edged sword. Like sometimes when people finally ask, you don't always feel comfortable really answering.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

So when she. Let's start sort of at the beginning. Cause I think that's important that you brought that up. So she was diagnosed in, in June.

[Sophia Allen]

Yes.

[Podcast Host]

What was that? I mean, that must have just been so heavy. Right? But I think the fact that all of the questions right. Are, how's your mom? And how are you? Did you at that time, and this is a hard question, but did you feel resentful of that? Like, did you feel like, what were your feelings then? Cause you must have been a lot of different things.

[Sophia Allen]

I don't know if ebbed and flowed would be the right word, but it depended on my mental health status at the beginning. I feel like I was a little selfless. You know, I was trying to protect my sister and my mom, so I didn't care that people weren't, like, asking about me. But I would say, like, into the journey, when my dad and I were just at home while my sister and my mom every other week were going into the hospital, I was mad and I was, like, angry. And it definitely. My mood was 100% different. Angry. Like, I would, like, snappy. Yeah. Snap at people. And it really just depended on the week and how I was feeling.

[Podcast Host]

Angry at the situation, Angry at the world. Angry at everything.

[Sophia Allen]

Everything.

[Podcast Host]

Everything.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, it's. You don't understand it till you're in it. But, like, this is a constant conversation in my house. You can't be mad at anyone. You can't be mad at the doctors. You can't be mad at your friends. You can't really be mad at God. They tell you not to blame God. Who are you going to be mad at? You end up lashing out on people because there's no one to be mad at.

[Podcast Host]

You're so. I mean, you are so right on the money. Right? Like, I wish the stupid cliche of time heals all wounds was actually true. Like. Cause I wish I could have you, like, look ahead and be like. And yes, it's different. Right? Like, it feels different after time. But all these years later, I still sometimes feel that it would be so much easier if you could just blame one person. So. You're right. It's hard to. Sometimes you've got this big emotion but nowhere to put it.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Talk to me a little bit about what that was. Like. So you were a freshman when she got sick. So freshman. And then into, like. So when she was in and out of the hospital and you said your mom would always be. Was she always the one that went with her? Yeah, 100% of the time. So you were home alone with your dad. What was that like?

[Sophia Allen]

It was weird. I don't want to say, like, single parent, but, like, I remember making that remark, like, oh, it's like, I have, like, a single dad, and I'm so grateful. I had so many people to help me out that would, like, make my school lunches. But me and my sister depended on my mom a lot. She did my laundry, cooked our meals. I wouldn't say that my aunt would cook our meals, but she would, like, make my lunch every morning. So it was definitely, like, a big adjustment when she was diagnosed. We were about to go into Regents Week for school.

[Podcast Host]

Okay.

[Sophia Allen]

So it wasn't like I was missing out, like, on that mom experience too much, but it definitely got worse going into my sophomore year. My dad and I were very close. But nothing compares to, like, your mom and, like, you know, being a girl, like, there's things like you don't talk about with your dad.

[Podcast Host]

So you missed your mom?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Were you ever mad at that?

[Sophia Allen]

I think so. And I think my mom would say that too. I was mad. And when she would leave, I would, like, cry and I'd be angry and I didn't want to talk to them, but. But a part of me also was like, this is for the best. How would I feel if I had to go to the hospital with my dad? How would I feel like being in the hospital? And, you know, there's things like, especially as a girl, that you don't want your dad to see. So obviously my sister and my mom went to the hospital. It was just so much time.

[Podcast Host]

It's so much time. It's interesting because even though I know that you and I are having this conversation and I'm so, like I said earlier, trying to be so cognizant of the sibling, you just gave a very concrete example, right. Of, like, things that people don't think about. You know what I mean? Because in that moment, everyone is focused on, how is Liv doing? Is she gonna be okay? What is the treatment? No one means it bad, but that there's not that follow up question, how is Sophia doing? How is she handling it? I just wanna take a minute to commend you for how well you did and ask you sort of directly, like, how are you now? Like, how do you feel as you talk about this and don't talk about it and think about it? Like, how do you feel right now?

[Sophia Allen]

I feel proud of myself because I'm a junior in high school and I think about going into college and planning the rest of my life and how I think I will be okay in life because I've had to be so resilient. When she was diagnosed, I had Regents to take in a week. When she passed away, I had to study for AP exams. I've always had to move forward. I didn't have an option. So I feel like, proud of myself. I know I can literally get through anything I want. Like, I'm not saying I won't cry, but I definitely, like, can get through anything, I think.

[Podcast Host]

Because I think there's two things that could have happened in a situation like that, right? Like, you could have said, screw the Regents. I'm not taking them, or, I'll take this AP exam another time. Was that ever an option for you? Or you're like, no, I'm just going to handle this. No.

[Sophia Allen]

And I think that's also. Like, I'm a very, like, obsessive person, and I always want to try my best. I don't think I could ever be, like, I'm not gonna do that. Like, that's just not me. Other people can do that, and that's totally okay. Like, you deserve to in that situation. Like, to me, it felt. It felt like the only person I'm hurting is myself. So I just got through it. I look at those scores, and I'm like, they weren't great, but I'm not gonna, like, put myself down. I'm, like, almost nervous about this. End of the year, I don't think anything bad could happen. But every time I have, like, these important dates, important tests, like, I always seem to have something bad. Like, your sister gets diagnosed with cancer the week before these big tests, and they don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but then my sister passed away, and I'm like, oh, my God. I have tests that are really important to me. I just feel ugh about them. But.

[Podcast Host]

Well, it's like, you associate one with the other almost. I feel like that is a really common grief thing. Like, and I don't know if you think about. Like, it's a little bit of a different example, but, like, for a long time after Jake died, you know, first it was like he died on a Wednesday. Like, for a while, I was like, something's gonna happen on this day. Like, there' just these. Like, you build these scenarios sometimes in your head. Are you. Are you nervous that. So you had a horrible thing happen freshman year? I had a horrible thing happen sophomore year.

[Sophia Allen]

Like, I wouldn't put it past life.

[Podcast Host]

Right. Yeah.

[Sophia Allen]

And that's a terrible way to think, and it's very scary. But I do think, like, something could happen. Like, I have a test coming up, and I. It makes me very anxious. But it's also, like, I don't know how to, like, deal with that, so I just try to keep going.

[Podcast Host]

No, it's hard. It's hard to make sense of some of these things. Right? And even if you step away sometimes and say, like, something bad is not going to happen, every time I take a test, like, the practical or like, the smart girl in there is like. But that doesn't make sense sometimes. You know what I mean? Like, the emotion can overrun one of the things that you sort of touched on a little bit. And you talked about kind of being alone with your dad and missing your mom and all of those things. And so I think it's hard every time they left, I would imagine. Cause you would just like. But was it hard when they came back to acclimate again, too, or.

[Sophia Allen]

So in the beginning of the school year, so September 2023, my mom and my sister would, like, come back every week. And that wasn't weird.

[Podcast Host]

Okay.

[Sophia Allen]

It was fine. But once it got to her, like, inpatient stay where she never came home, which was in January.

[Podcast Host]

She never came back?

[Sophia Allen]

No. So once she relapsed and then tried to prepare her body for the bone marrow transplant. I don't even know if I'm saying the right things. She never came back home. And I think my mom maybe came home three, four times. I don't really remember, but it was weird. She would come home on Sundays as a reset and help me get my crap together. It was terrible because I knew she was homesick, but she was at home, but, like, her home was at the hospital. At the hospital. And that's like a weird, weird feeling for a teenage girl.

[Podcast Host]

Did you feel, and you don't have to answer this if this is too much, but did you feel, like, abandoned? Like, did you feel like they were choosing Liv over you? And I know that's a loaded question because obviously, given the circumstance, but, like, I sometimes worry that Ethan has that in his head. That's, like, even now that Jake's been gone so long, that it's still all of the stuff that I do for Jake, you know, I mean, I sometimes feel like there's this competition or not competition, but comparison.

[Sophia Allen]

I felt abandoned. And there was one moment where I definitely felt like that. And it was in maybe October 2023, where I got pulled up to varsity for field hockey. And as a sophomore, yeah, there was a game that I played in which I didn't expect to play. And I can't remember if my dad was there, but I know my mom wasn't and my sister wasn't, and that was, like, soul crushing. I came home and I cried and I was mad, but other than that, like, not really, because I think I was mature enough to realize like, that was for the best. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mad or angry from time to time.

[Podcast Host]

And probably sometimes just sad, right?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

I got really hung up after Jake died that like, my. My family of four went to this family of three and I got like really wrapped up in this fact that like 25%, which is kind of a high percentage of my family, was gone. Like, it just. I think of that sort of in terms of you guys too. And that's. But at the end of the day, you went from having a sister to being essentially an only child. And how does that feel?

[Sophia Allen]

I've thought about that. And I also. I mean, there's. I don't. Are you an only child?

[Podcast Host]

I'm an only child.

[Sophia Allen]

A lot of people talk about how there's like only child characteristics and I never had those. Cause I always had my sister. When I think about those type of situations, I'm like, no, I have a sister that's not me. But then people are talking about their siblings and it's like, I don't know where I stand anymore. I don't feel like I'm an only child, but I also don't have a sister who's living in the present and the future. I feel like it's just situation based.

[Podcast Host]

I get that you don't know what to say. You don't associate as an only. But you're also. It's hard to answer.

[Sophia Allen]

It just. It comes up a lot. But I don't know, I could go into like eating dinner as a family. Like the pictures. It's just like weird, you know, like, you know someone's missing at that table.

[Podcast Host]

Do you mean like, like random Monday night dinner? Like, yeah, like, and you feel like. Do you think all three of you feel it?

[Sophia Allen]

I'm sure there's just this absence that's there. Like on New Year's Eve when we were out eating dinner in Florida. Like, I felt the absence and I know my parents did there. It's one thing, like living your whole life like that, and then you could have your sibling forever and you can have that situation. But there's like this weird feeling of not having your sibling at such a young age. And it's always there, like reminding you family photos. You don't think about taking a single photo, but there it is. Like you're missing 25% of the photo. So when I post on social media, like my sister all the time, it's gut wrenching when it Reminds me I'm never going to have another picture of my sister again. And it's again, like, something that no normal person would ever think about. But then you're in it and you're looking, and it's like, I'm not the person I was in ninth grade when we had our last normal, like, car selfie. That's all I have of her. Like, I have grown up so much since. What I would consider our, like, last normal year was my eighth grade and her junior year of high school. And I look at those photos, I'm like, that's not me, and that's not her. But that's all I really have. And then I think, if my life lasts as long as I hope it does, like, I'm never gonna have another photo again. It sucks. And it also is, like, what? I don't have anything to share. Like, I feel like I'm losing things to share about my sister. Because how many, like, photos can you post?

[Podcast Host]

And at a certain point, you're gonna repeat them.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Do you remember you mentioned, like, the last car selfie? Like, do you remember what the last one was? Or did you just do them all the time and not.

[Sophia Allen]

We did them all the time. Yeah. I mean, I remember our last picture in the hospital, but it's hard for me to remember, like, what I would consider, like, our last normal couple days before, like, she was diagnosed.

[Podcast Host]

When life is normal, you don't. Like, you don't remember every conversation. You don't remember every moment. And then I think that's the thing that a lot of people don't understand either, is because when something like this happens, it changes you forever. I think there's two things, right? Like, it makes you appreciate that moment, but it can also make you so scared that it's the last moment. So, like, you see. You just see the world differently, I think when you've had this loss, and I don't think people understand that because you'd probably give a zillion dollars if you could remember those days before she got sick. Right? But of course you can't, because they were just days then.

[Sophia Allen]

Well, we would fight a lot in the mornings. Like, as siblings fight. We were never, like, crazy, but we would fight because I would make her late to school. And I miss that. I'm so, like, jealous of people who get to, like, fight with their siblings. The highlight of my ninth grade year of high school was Liv and I bickering because I wanted Starbucks and she wanted Duncan. And, like, that's what I remember. And it's like, I wish I could grow up and be like, oh, I remember her helping me put on my wedding dress. And it's. I'm just gonna remember, like our car rides, which I'm gonna cherish forever, but.

[Podcast Host]

So she drove you to school freshman year?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

What was her go to?

[Sophia Allen]

Dunkin Donuts, the strawberry dragon fruit refresher.

[Podcast Host]

Do you ever get those?

[Sophia Allen]

All the time. I didn't like it until she introduced me.

[Podcast Host]

Are there other things like that that you do now? Sort of like not to honor her because that's like, it's just a Dunkin Donuts drink. Like, that you do because of her or in honor or memory or like, whatever of her.

[Sophia Allen]

There's like, certain songs I'll play while I'm driving that remind me of her. When she dated this one boy, she loved rap music. I think one of the songs is called Life Goes on. And I'll play it and, like, me and my best friend will be like, liv. Like, she's here with us.

[Podcast Host]

How do you feel like your parents are doing? Like, do you worry about them?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, I do worry about my mom and my dad. My mom is definitely more like. You can see it. Whereas my dad, he works a lot. Like, he's on the road a lot. So I, to be honest, haven't seen like, everything he's like, feeling. My dad likes to go down memory lane on photos. It kills me. And I know he needs that time to, like, feel the feels, but I watch him, like, scroll through the photos and I want to, like, cry for him. He doesn't go to therapy. I don't know if he doesn't want to or just doesn't feel, like, ready, but he's got to do what he has to do. It's hard watching your parents go through that. Did they die? No. But it feels like I'm grieving them too. Like my life is not the same for so many reasons. Knowing my parents will never really be truly like, happy again. And like, maybe they will be. But from what I've seen, like, there's going to be so many sad days as, like a 16 year old girl. I just like, feel stuck because I can't help them. My mom, I do feel good that she's like, going to therapy a lot and she's in multiple different grief groups. It's frightening for, like a kid to watch your parents feel the way they feel.

[Podcast Host]

You almost left me speechless because that's so like, as a mom, I think about that, it's twofold, right? Like of course, they are devastated because Liv is gone, and they have to acclimate to this life without it. But there's this other piece. It's almost like you must want to sort of be like, but, hey, guys, I'm right here.

[Sophia Allen]

And my parents have been very good about it. There is some survivor's guilt to it. It's not like it was like, a car crash where we both are sick, but I'm the sister who's alive. And it's weird thinking about going to college and she didn't get to go to college. It's weird. I'm driving her car, and that's her car. I'm wearing her clothes. Everyone's thinking about it, but no one wants to say anything. There's nothing really to fix the situation. And everyone in my family has their moments.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah. So you're driving the car that was Liv's, and you wear her clothes. Like, does that make you feel closer? Does it weird you out, or do you, like, where? Depends on the day.

[Sophia Allen]

Yesterday, I went into her closet, and I was about to put on her shirt, and I saw hair on this shirt, and I was like, I didn't think anything of it. I was like, why would there be hair on this shirt? It hasn't been worn. And then as I'm wiping it off, I'm realizing that's my sister's hair that fell out because of the chemo. And I stopped wiping it, and I put the shirt back. I thought about it, like, for the rest of the day, but it feels good. But it also feels bad.

[Podcast Host]

So is her room set up, like, as her room?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah. Liv was gone for 50, 60 days, so her room wasn't exactly what it. It's not like she just suddenly died.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah.

[Sophia Allen]

So her room was clean.

[Podcast Host]

Was her room always clean if she was at home?

[Sophia Allen]

No, no, no. It was clean because my mom would come home on Sundays and fold the bed. Like, I would. I destroy it. Now, being in there, I'm, like, pulling out all the clothes. It pretty much looks exactly the same. We did have to, like, clean some things out. Some people, when they lose a child, they just leave everything as it is and shut the door. I wouldn't say that. Like, I've slept in her room since she's passed. It's not a weird feeling being in her room. It's different because she wasn't at home when she died.

[Podcast Host]

I can see how sometimes, like, it might be nice to go in there. It might be nice to be like, hey, I'm gonna wear this Shirt, like, feel connected or something. I want to go back to what you said, because I thought this was really kind of profound when you said, you know, I'm grieving, like, my parents, like, the family that I had before. And that's much more than just grieving the loss of Liv. Right. That's like, grieving the whole family unit.

[Sophia Allen]

I, like, look at social media a lot to see how I'm, like, feeling about certain things. And they do talk about parents and how a lot of siblings feel like they're never going to make their parents fulfilled and you can't. And that's, like, something I've. I've had to learn to accept. And I still need, like, time accepting that Liv is always gonna be there, but, like, isn't here. I just wish I could help my parents, but there's nothing you can do. Like, we are all sad. We all want her back. And that's the thing. Like, my house isn't full of unhappiness, but there's sadness. I don't like that at all. But there's nothing you can do. I lost my, like, unit of four. I lost, like, my parents, like, being happy. My parents lost their daughter, their first child. Like, I think about her being, like, my maid of honor. I think about, like, me not being an aunt to her kids. It's all these things all the time. Like, that you're just. You're not just grieving your sister. You're grieving your entire life. Everything is different. Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

And I say this as a mom who's lost a child and has a living child. I totally like what you just said. Kind of stung a little bit, because that feeling. And I think Ethan has this feeling, but that feeling that you will never fulfill them. I can tell you. I feel like I'm talking to Ethan now. So now I'm having a moment. So I'm being a weirdo, but 100% he can. It's not true. Like, yes, I was supposed to be a mom of two, but Ethan so fulfills me, right? Like, he just does. Like, he is enough. Like, he is more than enough. Like, he is everything he needs to be without even doing any of it. So I would say that both your mom and dad feel that they may not be able to articulate that yet, or they may not be able to make you feel that or show you yet. But I would say, have faith, because that is true. I want you to know, even if you don't know it yet, that you are totally fulfilling them. And enough, like, just it's true.

[Sophia Allen]

And I know it. I do. And, you know, like, everyone can tell you that.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah, but it's just weird. Of course it is. 100% it is.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah. And, like, my dad treated my sister and I more my sister, like we were boys, like, putting us on snowmobiles. And my sister learned how to change a tire. I haven't learned that yet. So you can see it's a little different between the two of us. But my dad and her, they had their things. And my mom and my sister were like this. And not that me and my mom aren't, but there's that feeling like they were close. I have always been more, like, independent. But that's the other, like, sucky feeling is like, they were, like, best friends. And I'm. I'm not trying to say that my mom and I aren't. It makes me feel bad. I'm like, both my parents lost that with my sister, and I'm not trying to replace it. They don't want me to replace it, but it's there, that feeling that my sister would work for my dad and, like, drive the car as he needed to be driven. And my sister probably called my mom every waking moment she could. That's also something I see them, like, missing out on. As a sibling who survived. You definitely think about what your parents.

[Podcast Host]

Are missing out on, and it's not stuff that you can just start doing. It's not what you did. Talk to me a little bit, if you're comfortable about. Liv went to the hospital in January and never came back. I remember from, you know, way on the outside, as this was sort of unfolding. I guess the thought in town was that she was gonna, like, she was gonna be okay.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, I think everyone thought that.

[Podcast Host]

Even when the almost there was that stretch where things weren't quite going right, like, you still thought it was gonna come out, like, differently. I. I don't know. During that time, were you like, oh, my God, my sister's dying, or were you kind of also, like, I think she's going to be okay.

[Sophia Allen]

I. I think I said this on the other podcast, but only one person has ever told me, like, there was a chance of her dying. But I never thought that way. And it literally took me until my sister's friends flew home from college, and my family, who I haven't seen in months, it took all of them coming for me to realize, like, she's dying.

[Podcast Host]

And that was in March, right?

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, that was early March, when she was getting worse. I, like, stopped going to the Hospital? Not, like, fully, but it was really, like, affecting my mood. The hospital's not a fun place. I had a lot of work to do, and it just made me unhappy and stressed, and it was hard seeing her that way. But then my mom stopped telling me to come. She was getting worse, but I didn't know that. I'm sure you probably saw the GoFundMe. It's, like, it would be updated on there and on the Facebook, too, and I'd be like, that happened, and it pissed me off that I didn't know, like, certain things, like.

[Podcast Host]

Or that you found it out on GoFundMe or something.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, I was just in that much denial. But when Liv got the results back and there was nothing else working, I'm not sure what was in my head that made me think, like, everything was still okay. Aubrey and I. Like, I slept over at her house, and she was crying, and I was like, it's fine. Like, don't worry. She'll be okay. I'm literally sleeping over at my sister's best friend's house, and I'm telling her, it's okay. She's gonna be fine. And then I came back to the hospital that morning. She had, like, the oxygen in her nose. And then I walk into the waiting room, and there's my entire family. And I was like, oh, is that, like.

[Podcast Host]

Did you have, like, a. Did it.

[Sophia Allen]

Like, I don't know if you've been to Albany Med in a while, but there's this long hallway with a window and, like, two couches. And I thought that Aubrey was in as much denial as me. And I called her out, and I was like, I think we need to have, like, a real conversation about, like, Liv. And, like, I don't think she's doing okay. And, like, she knew, and I didn't think she knew, and she didn't think I knew. But, like, I was telling her, and she was trying to protect me, and it was like. It seemed that I was, like, going back and forth between thinking she was going to die and not thinking she was going to die. But when I really realized, I sat in this window for I don't know how long, and I was just like, oh, God. Like, I don't know what the rest of my life looks like. And I had this conversation with Aubrey and her mom and my mom, and I was like, I'm about to lose my sister. And the person you don't ever, like, expect to lose, like, you expect to lose your parents. I thought at least that I would be in, like, an old home with my sister when I was 90. Like, that's just what I expected. I just sat in that window for hours, and I just, like, thought about that. And I didn't know she was so sick for, like, the whole month of, like, February and March that it took so much for me to realize that was, like, the direction it was going.

[Podcast Host]

Do you wish you knew more? Like, would you have done things differently, or are you comfortable with how it played out?

[Sophia Allen]

I think it would have been really hard to see her. When I used to think of my sister, I didn't think of her as, like, the girl with cancer. And I don't think anyone else really did either, because she didn't make it. Her personality, like, you know, she was doing flips and working and going to college. But from what I've heard and what I saw in the last week, her body was, like, bruised, and she could barely, like, walk to the bathroom. She wasn't eating. She looked like she was going to die. Part of me wishes I was there, but the other part of me is, like, I don't want to remember that. I do feel very guilty about not going as much. The way she looked, even in that last week was, like, traumatizing enough. And the way my parents made it sound is like. It wasn't that bad, obviously, but it was very bad. My mom was protecting me by not telling me everything. If I knew, would I have been there? Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

When you were here last time. And I might say this wrong, so correct me if I screw this up, but you said something like, live, towards the end, said to you, take care, Mom.

[Sophia Allen]

Well, I said it felt like the longest week of my life.

[Podcast Host]

Were you in school back and forth, or were you just there?

[Sophia Allen]

I was just there. So, like, the timeline, I guess, is. I think it was a Thursday. I drove home from school. I drove home. My dad brought us to the hospital. Boom, bad news. And then the weekend came. My whole family was there. And then we had, like, that week to, like, be with her. It felt like the longest week of my life. And just sitting there watching her was really hard for me.

[Podcast Host]

Could she talk? Like, were you.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, she was making jokes up until they, like, raised, like, the morphine way too high. The day before she died, she was sleeping a lot, but she did talk a little, what I would do. And my family didn't do this, but Starbucks and Panera are right under the hospital. I would go there for, like, a couple of hours. I would sit there because I could not be in that room for that long. And so then I finally talk to this one hospice nurse who was really close with my mom. I was looking for, like, a timeline. Not that I wanted her to die, but watching her was terrible. And so she said something like, she's not going to pass away until she thinks, like, you guys are going to be okay or, like, she's going to be ready. I was like, like, what would keep my sister alive? It's gonna make me probably cry. The only thing I can think of is my mom. My sister was really worried about my mom all the time. So after that conversation, we were in the clinic. I walked back through the hospital, and I was like, can I, like, just talk to my sister alone? She was out of it at that point, but I told her, I was like, I've got Mom. Don't worry about her. I thought if there was something she needed to hear, it was going to be that my mom was the thing that mattered to her most. My mom's health is not amazing, and that was always what she was worried about. So I remember, like, getting on my knees, like, next to her hospital bed and just being like, I've got Mom. I said that multiple times. She didn't all sudden, like, die. Like, there was still a couple days. But I had, like, another conversation with her alone. And I was like, don't worry about us. Like, we will be okay. Like, I've got Mom and dad at some point, we will be okay again. And then when she died, I had another moment alone where I was like, we will be okay. I will make sure mom is taking her medicine and, like, going to the doctors and paying attention to herself. I don't know if that's 100% true, but I do believe, like, someone will not. It's not their time to go if they don't think everyone else is ready. And I think after being there for a week, like, what happened needed to happen. I think Liv knew what she needed to here.

[Podcast Host]

Sophia. I mean, that's beautiful. I mean, it really is. I am of the thinking exactly that, right? Like, that when there's no other option, you have to give them what they need so that they can peacefully move on or pass on or. I don't even know how to say it, but I believe that, like, I think it's beautiful. I think it's a beautiful gift you gave your sister. Do you see it that way? Do you feel pressure by it? Like, do you? Or both? I mean, I would imagine both, yeah.

[Sophia Allen]

I mean, in therapy, a lot, I talked at the beginning of therapy, I felt this, like, pressure to make sure my mom was okay. And, like, I do feel like there is times where I'm, like, if I don't make sure my mom is okay, like, I'm letting my sister down.

[Podcast Host]

So it's all connected.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah. I know if my sister was, like, looking down, she would want me to make sure my mom's okay.

[Podcast Host]

Are you worried? I don't know if that's the right word. Are you thinking about concerned? Like, scared? Any of these emotions? I'm not sure what the right one is about the one year I'm scared.

[Sophia Allen]

To see how my parents will act. It's a Friday. I think I'm scared about, like, everyone else, too. I don't know, like, what I'm going to expect. I think that's gonna be a lot. Like, I think my mom and I are planning, like, not going to school and doing something special, but I'm very, like, anxious about it.

[Podcast Host]

These days are hard. And then I think people, even myself, just asking the question, even, right? Like, they put this. There's an added weight by it. Like, people sometimes, but. But it. It's not going to be. Whether you talk about it or not, it's just a hard day. But it's everyone else. Like, the weirdness, right? Like, yeah, the tiptoeing, the, like, it's just people are going to be weird.

[Sophia Allen]

I am very curious to see how people. Like, I'm scared, but I'm curious. I've actually, except for, like, adults, I don't think I know a single person unless I'm visibly crying, like, that has asked me if I'm okay. Like, I have to be, like, on the verge of a mental breakdown for anyone to ask if I'm okay. Yeah. I'm very interested to see what's gonna happen.

[Podcast Host]

One of the things that has come out of this podcast and these conversations is I think it's this opportunity, right? Like, it's opportunity for us to air our grievances, right? Like. Like, these are the things that drive us nuts. I think it's almost like a service for anybody that's listening. Like, it's important for people to hear that. Like, and I think it's very important. What you just said. Unless I'm having a mental breakdown, no one asks me how I am. Yeah, people should check themselves a little bit, right? Like, because, hey, your sister died. It's worthy of being like, hey, Soph, you all right? It's worthy of that.

[Sophia Allen]

It's hard because I don't want to come on here and, like, tell people what to do.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah.

[Sophia Allen]

And, like, talk bad about people, but.

[Podcast Host]

You know, so it is. It's hard, right, because you don't want to, like, make people feel bad. But I think sometimes people don't know. And now if they don't know, then that's on them, because now it's pretty clear, like, you know what I mean? So I think there's twofold. Like, I have a really good friend of mine who's been a friend for a long time. She listens to the podcast every week. She takes it from this point of view of I never know what to do. But now I hear what your guests are saying, so I can do better. That, to me, is almost more. Means more to me sometimes than the people who are like, oh, I feel better after listening to it because I feel the same way or something. Because I do think. Not giving everybody the benefit of the doubt, but giving people this thought that they don't know what to say, so they say nothing. I say it all the time, and I think now every time I say it, I kind of laugh because Brian at home is always like, oh, Heather, we know two things can be true, right? Like. Like, we. You will forever live a life where you are going to have a senior year, and you're going to have great senior moments, and you've got a circle of friends, and you are going to figure out a college. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you're gonna do the things that you're gonna do. And while it may not seem like it now, you're going to have great things, but you will always have that piece of you, right? You're gonna get into college and you're gonna tell your sister, but you're not gonna share it with your sister here on Earth. Like, there's countless moments. So you learn how to balance these things, right? You learn how two things are true. You learn how you can be really sad and mad and all of these bad feelings, but you can also still experience joy and happiness. And it takes a while, but it's true, right? Like, you. You. You can do that.

[Sophia Allen]

Yeah, you brought up a good point. Because I'm very excited about college, and I obviously don't want to leave my parents, but my mom has mentioned how, like, how Ethan felt and, you know, going to school, like, do you have a sibling or not? My high school has obviously been terrible with her being diagnosed in 9th grade and 10th grade, she died. And obviously, this is a hard year in general. 11th grade is hardest year, I think About Liv's junior year as her last normal year before things got bad. And then her senior year next year, I'm about to do all the things she didn't get to do. I'm going to walk across the stage she didn't get to cross. I could possibly end up at the college she wanted to go to. And it's gonna be very weird. And I'm very excited about college because it will be like a fresh start from.

[Podcast Host]

It's like a fresh start, and it's like you have the control to share with people what you want to share. And when you are in college and stuff like, you, you can dictate how your story unfolds as opposed to now where it's kind of has been unfolded for you to some degree.

[Sophia Allen]

I do want to say I have a sister. It's such a hard conversation. Like, I haven't met a lot of new people. Like, I'm obviously still in high school, but I've met a few people where I've had to say, my sister's, like, gone. And it's such a tough conversation to have. And I can't imagine, like, how Ethan feels. It's just not something you want to talk about.

[Podcast Host]

However you do it is fine. And I say that to you because I say it a little bit to myself. Oh, Sofia, I have so enjoyed talking with you.

[Sophia Allen]

Thank you.

[Podcast Host]

You are handling the unhandleable. I mean, like, you know, you're handling the hardest stuff, and you are handling it with maturity and with grace and with compassion and with all of the things. And all I guess I would say to you is give yourself grace. Right? Lean into it when it's not easy to, because it helps. You'll find the people who you can trust and talk to and always reach out to them. And, you know, I'm sure you've got a bigger village than you even know.

[Sophia Allen]

Oh, yeah, I have a very big village, and I'm very.

[Podcast Host]

And I hope I'm in it for you.

[Sophia Allen]

You know, through everything we had, the food train, the GoFundMe, you and all of, like, these people I didn't know, like, came together and helped my family. And I've got a lot of people that I really appreciate and need to send my thanks to later on.

[Podcast Host]

Thank you for listening to A Place of Yes. Please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend. It would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell. Thank you so much for watching.