Remembering Jake: Honoring our Son and Coming Together for Families With Disabilities

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Remembering Jake: Honoring our Son and Coming Together for Families With Disabilities"

Title: A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast
Host: Bright Sighted (Heather)
Episode: Remembering Jake: Honoring our Son and Coming Together for Families With Disabilities
Release Date: January 30, 2025

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Introduction

In the heartfelt episode titled "Remembering Jake: Honoring our Son and Coming Together for Families With Disabilities," Heather of A Place of Yes delves deep into the enduring legacy of her son Jake. This episode, recorded live at Cantina Day—a pivotal annual fundraiser organized by the local Saratoga Springs restaurant Cantina—features a compilation of interviews with individuals whose lives have been touched by Jake and the non-profit organization, Jake’s Help From Heaven.

Cantina Day: A Celebration of Community and Remembrance

Cantina Day has grown into a significant event held annually near the anniversary of Jake's passing. Heather explains, "one day out of the year close to the time that Jake passed away, a local restaurant in Saratoga Springs Cantina hosts like a fundraiser for us" (00:02). This day has evolved into a beautiful gathering where family, friends, donors, and Jake's extended family come together to share a meal, reminisce, and support each other. The bustling atmosphere, complete with background noises and techno music, sets the scene for the interviews Heather conducted with previous guests.

Interviews and Personal Stories

1. Heather and Sharon: Lighting Candles and Finding Peace

Heather shares a poignant conversation with her friend Sharon about the significance of lighting candles in memory of Jake and another loved one, Liv. Sharon reflects on the emotional impact of this ritual:

"It was the first time in almost eight and a half months where I felt a slight moment of peace" (03:02).

Sharon describes how lighting candles at church, initiated by her daughter Sophia, provided a sense of tranquility and prompted her to embrace this practice regularly. Heather resonates with this, stating her intention to reintegrate candle lighting into her rituals as a means to honor her children and find solace.

2. Jess Quigley: Memories of Friendship and Generosity

Jess Quigley, a close family friend, recounts her experiences with Jake and Heather, highlighting moments of friendship and support. She shares an endearing story about Heather saving her child Ethan during a swimming incident:

"I tried to be as normal as possible. I wanted to maybe make you smile here and there, and that's all I would be able to do, if that was even possible" (08:54).

Jess also speaks about her daughter Lila's bond with Jake, illustrating the profound relationships fostered through their shared experiences. The generosity of families like Jess's, who contribute through activities like lemonade stands, underscores the community's spirit of giving.

3. Debbie: Coping with Loss and the Desire to Give Back

Debbie shares her journey of losing her son, Travis, and how she sought connections within the community to aid her healing process. She attended Albany Med’s picnic memorial and expressed her longing to give back by volunteering, despite feeling exhausted by her grief:

"I need to do something. I want to give back, like you" (12:15).

Heather responds with empathy, acknowledging Debbie's willingness to help and assuring her that her skills and experience are invaluable to Jake’s Help From Heaven. This exchange highlights the reciprocal nature of support within the community.

4. Melissa Allen: Educational Impact and Personal Growth

Melissa Allen, Jake's grandmother, discusses the profound impact the podcast has had on her as an educator. She incorporates episodes of A Place of Yes into her classroom, using them to teach her students about life, resilience, and coping with loss:

"I always learn something about life and living and things I can teach my girls" (14:13).

Melissa emphasizes the podcast's role in providing valuable lessons that extend beyond grief, making it a powerful tool for education and personal development.

Key Themes and Insights

1. Community and Connection: The episode underscores the importance of community support in navigating grief. Events like Cantina Day foster a sense of belonging and collective healing.

2. Rituals and Remembrance: Simple rituals, such as lighting candles, offer comfort and a means to honor loved ones, helping individuals find moments of peace amidst ongoing sorrow.

3. Generosity and Giving Back: The stories of Jess and Debbie illustrate how acts of generosity and the desire to give back can be therapeutic and empowering for those coping with loss.

4. Educational Value: Melissa's integration of the podcast into her teaching showcases how sharing grief stories can educate and inspire others, particularly younger generations, about resilience and empathy.

Conclusion

"Remembering Jake" is a testament to the enduring impact one life can have on many. Through the heartfelt interviews and shared memories, Heather demonstrates how grief can be transformed into a source of strength and community support. The episode not only honors Jake's memory but also highlights the ongoing mission of A Place of Yes to create meaningful connections and support systems for families with disabilities.

Notable Quotes

• Sharon on Finding Peace:
  “It was the first time in almost eight and a half months where I felt a slight moment of peace” (03:02).

• Jess on Supporting Heather:
  “I tried to be as normal as possible. I wanted to maybe make you smile here and there” (08:54).

• Melissa on the Podcast's Impact:
  “I always learn something about life and living and things I can teach my girls” (14:13).

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Note: For full context and to experience the emotions firsthand, listeners are encouraged to watch the accompanying YouTube video of the live recordings from Cantina Day.

Transcript

[Heather]

Welcome to A Place of Yes. A podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Welcome to the show. Welcome to A Place of Yes. This episode is a collection of brief interviews that I did on the annual Cantina Day. And for those who don't know, one day out of the year close to the time that Jake passed away, a local restaurant in Saratoga Springs Cantina hosts like a fundraiser for us. And it has turned into just this beautiful day where Brian and I are surrounded by our family, our friends, the donors, Jake's families, everyone comes together and has a meal, lunch, dinner, drinks, all of it. And this year we had the bright sided team on location and I was able to do some short interviews and we talked to previous guests. You'll hear from Melissa Allen. We talked to Jake's grandmother whose grandson passed away this earlier in the year. We talked to one of my dearest friends who knew me as Jake's mom. And for those of you who listen, you know how special that is to me. You also hear from someone that I know through the work of A Place of Yes. She reached out to me and you know, we jokingly call her my number one fan or the podcast number one fan. But it was so great to talk to her and to just hear the impact that sharing all of our stories has made on her. So I hope that you enjoy this episode. It's short, it's sweet, but it's got a lot of good content. You will be able to tell that we were live on location. We were at Cantina, it was bustling. You'll hear some background noise, you'll hear a little techno in the background, but it adds to it. And just know if you watch the YouTube video, you will see us on location. I don't even know where to start with you. I want to say that you lit a candle for Jakey on the 8th and the 8th. Was it also National Bereave Child Day or Light a Candle for Light a Candle that's Cast. So I used to know that date and then I've lost track of that. And then when I saw your text that you had lit a candle for Liv and for Jake, it was just, it was kind of exactly what I needed because I've talked about it was 14 years and it sucks. It sucks as much like I shouldn't be telling you this. Like, so, hey, your future and sucks. But it's still not that it's still hard, it's just still like a day, right? It's still just a really, really sad day. And we try to find joy in that day. And we found a bar called Everything's Jake that we went to, which was just awesome. But then I was like clipping through my phone and I saw that picture posted and then I saw it posted on Facebook or Instagram or whatever. And thank you. You're welcome. I love that. And well, I think I've said this to you before. Well, I hate that our friendship has been so cemented by our loss. I'm also grateful for it.

[Sharon]

Me too.

[Heather]

So.

[Sharon]

Me too. I have to tell you, it. It's not the first candle I lit, but going in and lighting the candle for both of them was in the first time in almost eight and a half months where I felt a slight moment of peace. Like the church was wrapped around us and there was something higher power. I actually left saying, I'm gonna try.

[Heather]

To do this each week. I hope to do it.

[Sharon]

It was a feel good moment. It was something actually, which Sophia initiated. On Friday. She texted me, bye, I'm leaving from school, I'm going to church to light a candle handle for a Liv. And I was just like, wow, are you going with someone? You know, like, what is sparking this? And she said, no, I'm just going to because that's the only thing I know how to do. And I was just like, wow, if this 16 year old can go and.

[Heather]

Do this and carve out the tongue and make that. Absolutely. It's funny that you say that because in the beginning we did do that. Like we went to St. Clements and we lit a candle or any time we were light in any city, city or any place. Like we stop at a church and light a candle. And we did it pretty religiously for, I want to say, for a couple years. And we have since become much less like you just don't really do it anymore. But I can remember like you just said that like feeling of peace and. And Sophia saying in something you can do. I remember that feeling. So I feel like I'm going to try and bring it back into my rotation because it is something that it's so small, but it also feels like like you're honoring or you're giving them or you're like.

[Sharon]

It's just like a symbol.

[Heather]

We're sitting here with Sharon, who I wanted to come and talk to because I talk a lot about how there are people in my life who knew Jake and there are people in my life who never knew Jake. Sometimes I feel like I'm overwhelmed With people who never knew him. They know what I do with Jake's help from heaven. They know the podcast. They know that I am the mom of a dead boy. They know all the things. But the people who knew me as Jake's mom, like, really knew me, who were, like, in that life. It's like a free pass. You can never really do anything wrong. It's like a world that is just. I feel like it's smaller and smaller. So you are an og. Like, you have known Jake. And not only have you known Jake, but your daughter Lila, for the longest time called herself, like, Jake's best friend. She always will have a place in my heart because. And you know the story I'm about to tell. Like, so you were pregnant, maybe with Daniel. And she was like, can you bring me pulley of fish?

[Jess]

I literally just told this story over there.

[Heather]

So you tell it, because I do a lot of talking. You tell it.

[Jess]

So one of the first times Heather came into my house, it's the most embarrassing story, honestly. Ethan and Serena came over to come swim. I was nine months pregnant with my son Daniel. I. I had Daniel on August 18th. I probably. You guys probably came around, like, August 9th. Let's say the kids were swimming. Well, first I said, heather. Heather goes, can I bring anything over? Maybe the first time this woman's come to my house? And I'm like, well, actually, could you stop at McDonald's and bring me a filet of fish? Like, who does that? Who asks a new friend to stop and bring them food?

[Heather]

But I think I get myself one also.

[Jess]

And you did.

[Heather]

Yeah, you did. I was like, I love filet of fish.

[Jess]

And that was that. So then the kids are swimming. You were feeding Jake. Ethan decides, I could swim in the deep end, too, just like everybody else.

[Heather]

Couldn'T, by the way.

[Jess]

So Ethan goes and starts to swim the deep end with his sister and my kids. Ethan couldn't swim in the deep end. I jump in, nine months pregnant, fully clothed, and grab Ethan because she had j.

[Heather]

Like, I might have.

[Jess]

And feeding Jace. So that was when we pretty much bonded. And with her bringing me a filet of fish and me jumping in nine.

[Heather]

Months pregnant and basically saving my kid's life.

[Jess]

Saving Ethan.

[Heather]

But then later, we were inside. I think this is the same day. Okay, we were inside. Jake was in his stroller, like, napping or whatever, and Lila had come home, like, had gotten dropped off from cheerleading camp. If I. And. And may I might be blending days yeah, but. But she got dropped off from cheerleading camp, and she was so obsessed with Jade. Like, they. Honestly, they were the same age. They would have been the same year. Like, and she, for whatever reason, did not see. I mean, severely disabled. Like, couldn't walk, couldn't talk, super sick, like, medicated, like, you know what I mean? Like, didn't give her a ton. But she, for whatever reason, locked in on him and believed that they were friends. I think, like, believe that they were buddies. And she was like, jake, I went to, you know, cheer camp, and these are the cheers I learned. And she just cheered, like, in front of him. And if he was, like, dozing off, she'd be like, wake up. Watch me cheer. And I was like, oh, my God, this is, like, this is so special because he doesn't have that. He's always just the kid who's like, what's wrong with him? Or, like, on my lap or preventing me from being able to do anything. And she just treated him like a normal kid and always did.

[Jess]

Yeah.

[Heather]

I don't know. And she just always, like, after he died, was.

[Jess]

She was crushed little, and she was crushed. She would tell people, my best friend died. And I remember. And this comes up on my time hop every year. She was, like, in first grade, maybe second grade, and they said, if you had $100, what would you do with the $100? And she drew a whole picture, and she said, I would give it to Jake's help from heaven, but she'd have.

[Heather]

Like, her lemonade stands, and she'd come over and give me, like, $8.37, you know, like. Like that. She would, like, this random amount from her, like, lemonade stands at a young age.

[Jess]

And she didn't know Jake that long, but she really had his connection with him. I just feel blessed and honored that I did get to know him, that I did get to meet him. And he was this adorable little boy. I remember being at Ethan's birthday party. We went to go see the tooth fairy with the Ryan.

[Heather]

Oh, my God.

[Jess]

And I remember Brian feeding him.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Jess]

Feeding Jake at the open mall. Yeah. We were, like, in the food court, like, here's your cakey Ethan. You know, it's hard to navigate when you're good when your friend loses somebody, let alone their child. And I tried to be as normal as possible. Like, you don't want to. You know, there's a fine line. And I'm sure sometimes I didn't do a great job, but I tried. And I wanted to maybe make you smile here and there, and that's all I would be Able to do, if that was even possible.

[Heather]

Up. And you have always been, I would say out of most of the years, you have been like an all day, like, trooper at this day.

[Jess]

Well, we also had to celebrate the generosity of this community. Like that would come out and help Jake's help from heaven.

[Heather]

So, Debbie, we met. When did we meet?

[Debbie]

We met 2015.

[Heather]

Okay. Is that. My goodness. Almost 10. 10 years ago. There are some deliveries that just stand out in my head. That one I can remember. I can remember what Travis was wearing. I think he had a light blue shirt on. We brought the. Or at least he did in my head.

[Debbie]

Yeah. I think he wore a blue sweater with a button down.

[Heather]

A shirt. Yes. He would look so handsome.

[Debbie]

Dressing him up.

[Heather]

He looks so handsome. And you were so welcoming. It just was one of those deliveries that for both Ryan and I was just 100% feel good.

[Debbie]

I have pictures on my phone of Brian and your son Ethan. I was just telling you, running down our walk, we'll get it. Cuz we are in the country.

[Heather]

The three of us went. It was like. I was like, ethan, we're doing a delivery. And that was when he was younger. So Travis passed away New Year's Day this year. You know, I. I never have the right words, even though I feel like I talk about it on the podcast all the time. But, like, I kind of feel like there's no words right. Like, because it just sucks.

[Debbie]

Albany Med had a picnic memorial in the summer.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Debbie]

For any children that were in Albany Med that passed away.

[Heather]

Oh, really?

[Debbie]

And so I didn't know they did that. Yeah, it was. It was a pretty good crowd. It was outside at a park in Gilderwin.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Debbie]

And I thought going up there, it was, you know, I'm going to honor my boy. And we took his picture and everything. And all I did was cry the whole time I was there. And I. I kept doing one of these. Kept my sunglasses.

[Heather]

The sunglasses. I always feel sunglasses are key.

[Debbie]

Anyway, I got to see his doctor from Albany Med there. We just loved her. She was honest. She was straightforward, but so caring. I got together with her once after Travy passed. I'm like, can we meet for coffee or something? I just felt that I needed that connection. Yeah. So we did that. And I got to see her that day. I also had inquired about volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House family room. Yeah. We used that room. And I remember the comfort of just having a little quiet and privacy and.

[Heather]

A place to go. Yes. Yep.

[Debbie]

I filled out the application. I got a Remark back, but she wanted to talk to me more in January. February.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Debbie]

They don't want to do it unless it's been a full youthful year, and I get that. And I told her I understand.

[Heather]

Well, hopefully that will.

[Debbie]

Yeah. I need to do something. I want to give back, like you, but I. I'm 67, and I'm just tired.

[Heather]

Well, we have a very specific skill set. Right. And you want to use that skill set to help others. Right. We will definitely keep you in mind. At Jake's, you know, we don't really do events or anything anymore, but we're always looking for people who can help with deliveries or stuff like that. So I'm so grateful that you came here today and we got to connect, because I, you know, you're always. We're always, like, chatting on, like, social media or whatever, and I so appreciate that, but I'm just so happy that we could just connect face to face. I'm sitting here with Jess Quigley. You are someone who I've gotten to know through. Truly through the work of, like, Jake S. Absolutely. And I love that because I feel. Feel like that it's like a different kind of connection. Right. Like, I always talk on the show a lot about, like, the different people in my lives.

[Jess]

Right.

[Heather]

Like, there's the people who know me as, like, Jake's mom, the people who know me as, like, Ethan's mom, people who knew me as both, and then this whole other world that I've been in of people who know me, and I love all of it. Yeah.

[Melissa]

Well, now you know me as your number one fan on podcast, which I.

[Heather]

Love so much because you would reach out to me and be like, hey. So I just wanted to tell you, like, I really love this, and I feel like one of the first ones, and I think I read it on, like, the fan. You did. Like, it was a fan feedback or whatever we called it, and I was like, never feel bad for, like, enjoying it. Like, that's why we do it. And I love it so much. And so basically, like, you listen to a lot of the stuff, and I love, like, you're a teacher. You use some of the episodes. Use, like, the Shawn and Seamus in your classroom, which is a former educator. I'm like, what better? Like, thank you. Right. Like, what better? Like, I was like, oh, my God, I love this.

[Melissa]

That was so inspiring, though. I feel every episode I'm able to take something away from about living, which always sounds odd because it's a grief podcast. Like, whenever I share with friends, like, you should listen to this. It's so good. Oh, well, what is it? Well, it's a grief podcast.

[Heather]

Like, and you're like, great, though, you.

[Melissa]

Know, but, you know, my. My takeaway is that I always learn something about. About life and about living and things that I want to teach my girls about life and living, things that I can teach, take to the classroom and teach my kids there.

[Heather]

Well, and I love that because so many people, even people today, are like, oh, I don't listen to every episode because it's a grief podcast and I don't want to be sad. And I'm like, but I don't really feel like. And I know my perspective can be sometimes a little skewed because I, like, live in this world that is, you know, it is filled with sadness, but it's also my whole thing where, like, you can be really sad and still experience great joy. Like, you know what I mean? Like, both things are very true and they can coexist. Life is hard, and maybe it's not as hard as, like, oh, my God, your child died, but it's hard.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Heather]

And like, you know, and I do feel like we try to not make it as heavy. So I love when you're like, oh, I learned something from every time, or it's about living, because that's what I think it really is.

[Melissa]

It is. And one thing I love that you do, like you just said, is, like, the way that you talk to people. I feel like I'm just sitting in a room having conversation, or at least I want to be sitting in a room having a conversation with you and your guest because you always find a way to make it fun. You know, there's like, ups and downs. I cry, I laugh, I talk to myself, I talk back to you. So, yeah, it's all around just amazing.

[Heather]

Well, I'm so grateful that you listen and that you share it and that you do. All of the things, the things you're saying are exactly what I. What I want the audience to feel. Right? Like, I don't want people to get hung up on that it's a grief podcast or that it's like, oh, her son died, or that it's non stop sad conversations. Because I. I don't know. Like, our tagline for season two is hard conversations that make you laugh.

[Melissa]

Y on the grief aspect too. As much as I learn about life, I have taken so much away from the conversations you have with people about grieving and, you know, appropriate things to do and things that drive you crazy when people do that people do. And so that's been super helpful, too. I think one of the main things that I've taken away, and I love that you talk about, is that higher, you know, that hierarchy of grief and how it's, you know, not really existing. And that is something that. That helps me more than anything. I had gotten out of therapy.

[Heather]

I think you told.

[Melissa]

I think I told you that, like, I had that aha moment of, like, oh, it's okay to feel this way about X, Y, or Z.

[Heather]

When you love big, it doesn't matter what it is, you lose big, too. I just wanted you to know how much your feedback and your listening and I swear I woke up this morning and you were like, I downloaded so I can listen to school. I was like, oh, my God. Like, it made my day. I was like, at least one person's gonna listen to this because I have not done a great job of promoting it. So I'm not even sure that my husband has. Wasn't doing it. So. Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to A Place of Yes. Please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend. It would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell. Thank you so much for watching.