Podcast Summary: A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast

Episode Title: Turning Pain Into Pages After Losing His Daughter
Host: Heather Straughter
Guest: Jim Lebate
Date: December 17, 2025
Location: Recorded live at Northshire Bookstore, Saratoga Springs

Episode Overview

This poignant live episode of A Place of Yes features host Heather Straughter in conversation with Jim Lebate, a teacher and writer, about his powerful memoir Our Sweet Maria. The discussion centers on Jim’s journey after the sudden loss of his daughter, Maria, capturing the intersections of deep grief, the process of storytelling, and the enduring love that remains after monumental loss. The conversation explores themes of regret, the healing power of writing, how holidays change after loss, and the importance of talking about loved ones who have died.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Saying "Yes": Moments that Matter

• Heather introduces the season’s signature question: "What's something you've said yes to?"
  • Her "yes" was stepping out of her comfort zone to host this live event ([01:00]).
  • Jim shares his own recent 'yes': helping neighbors clear a fallen tree, prompted by his wife’s encouragement:

    “And my wife, who’s so wise and always correct, said, ‘Why don’t you get out there and help them?’ And I said yes, you are absolutely right.” — Jim ([02:33])

2. Introducing the Book & Maria's Story

• Jim’s background in education and writing
  • From Peace Corps in Costa Rica, English teacher, to a decade in publishing ([03:12]-[04:36])
  • Acquisition of practical writing skills motivated him to attempt a full-length memoir.
• About Our Sweet Maria:
  • The first three-quarters of the book detail Maria’s life — a vibrant portrait as daughter, sister, and friend.
  • The final part transitions to her last 30 days after her hospitalization on Christmas Day, a time shaped by both confusion and heartbreak ([04:37]-[08:07]).

3. Grappling With Loss and Being Seen

• The Loneliness of Grief:
  • Jim reflects on the surreal experience of others’ lives continuing as usual when his world stopped:

    “Our loss was so big and so all consuming, yet we were just a small wave in the great ocean of life. Maria’s wave had come to shore and rested there for just over 30 years. And now she was returning to sea.” — Jim (read by Heather, [07:05])

  • Heather and Jim discuss the disconnect between the magnitude of personal loss and the indifference of the outside world.

4. The ’Why’ and ’How’ of Writing Through Grief

• Parallels between losing his sister Peggy at age 12 and losing Maria decades later ([08:07]-[09:08]):
  • Writing as a means to make sense of grief and share Maria’s life with others.
• Book structure:
  • Jim purposefully began with Maria’s whole life, not just her final days, ensuring readers deeply cared about her before recounting her death:

    “I knew I had to have the first half, or had to tell Maria’s story, so that readers would care about her and experience what she went through.” — Jim ([10:17])

5. Navigating Grief During Holidays

• Holidays and Milestones:
  • Maria’s birthday (Dec 21) and her passing (Jan 23) transformed the family’s experience of this time of year.
  • Over the years, they changed traditions: moving away, then later simplifying Christmas at home ([11:46]-[12:40]).

6. The Significance of Photographs and Everyday Rituals

• The stasis of a lost child’s images, and rituals of continuing connection:

  “I talk to her as I go up the stairs. ‘How are you doing today, Maria?’” — Jim ([13:29])

  • Heather echoes this, noting the importance and strangeness of a photo timeline that suddenly stops.

7. Parenting, Regret, and Processing Through Writing

• Regret and Guilt in Parenting:
  • Jim confronts his choices regarding Maria’s difficult fifth-grade year — not homeschooling her when she asked. Writing about these regrets brought awareness and, to some extent, peace:

    “Admitting it verbally, but then writing about it, you really explore all the details behind it... it was a challenging time, to say the least.” — Jim ([16:06])

• Finding honesty and healing through examining the ‘what-ifs’.

8. Small Joys and Memories in the Shadow of Loss

• NFL memories and guilt:
  • Sitting with Maria to watch a Jets game in the hospital, and reflecting on seemingly trivial distractions amid crisis:

    “I was honestly thinking more about the New York Jets than I was my own precious daughter... Sometimes you have to cut yourself some slack.” — Jim ([17:42]-[18:03])

• Reclaiming moments of happiness together, even in the hospital.

9. The Maze of Medical Uncertainty

• Frustration, Hope, and Processing:
  • The emotional rollercoaster of daily medical tests and changing prognoses during Maria’s final month:

    "I'd be frustrated some days, but then hopeful the next day for the next test, and then frustrated again... writing about it after the fact helped me to process it.” — Jim ([20:41])

10. Family Roles, Editing, and Support

• Editing as a family affair:
  • Jim’s wife, Barbara, and daughter, Katrina (a physician assistant), acted as both emotional and technical editors ([22:17]-[22:35]).
• Navigating medical expertise within the family, and Katrina’s perspective of naturally assuming a helpful medical role during Maria’s illness ([23:13]).

11. Advice for Grieving Parents & Community

• The Power of Speaking Their Names:
  • Jim’s central advice is to talk about the person who has died, defying the common fear that bringing them up will cause more pain:

    “A lot of people think they shouldn’t mention the child’s name because that’ll make you sad. But I think it’s just the opposite.” — Jim ([24:27])

    • Notably, a friend’s simple invitation — "Tell me about Maria" — provided profound comfort and permission to share her story.
• Heather highlights the significance of remembrance:

  “One of my biggest fears in life now, now that the worst thing has happened, the second worst thing is that people will forget.” — Heather ([25:34])

  • Even a small text or a heart emoji on anniversaries means so much.

12. Support for Fathers and Siblings

• The Pressure to Be Strong:
  • Jim acknowledges feeling he had to "be strong" for his wife and living daughter, a common societal expectation for fathers in grief ([27:45]).
• Acknowledging sibling grief:
  • Heather notes that siblings often become secondary in others’ concern, when their grief is just as profound ([28:10]).

13. Reactions from Readers & Maria’s Legacy

• Community responses:
  • Jim shares meaningful feedback from readers, including fond memories of Maria at church, and admiration for her persistence in her career ([29:13]).
• What would Maria think of the book?

  “I think she would enjoy it. She was a writer... She kept journals... I think she would appreciate what I tried to highlight in the book.” — Jim ([30:22])

• Faith as a cornerstone of Maria’s life and story.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On memory and the world's indifference:

  “Our loss was so big and so all consuming, yet we were just a small wave in the great ocean of life.” — Jim (read by Heather, [07:05])

• On regret and parenting:

  "I thought it would be good for her to fight her way through and, you know, just work things out. And she did, but it wasn’t a good experience. Looking back, I realized it was a huge mistake. Writing about it, just admitting it first is one thing..." — Jim ([16:06])

• On honoring memories:

  “Talk about your child as much as possible. People think it'll make you sad, but it's just the opposite.” — Jim ([24:27])

• On the importance of being remembered:

  “One of my biggest fears in life now, now that the worst thing has happened, the second worst thing is that people will forget.” — Heather ([25:34])

Notable Excerpt Read by Jim (Jello Jigglers Story, [31:08]):

A light, humorous memory from a camping trip — Maria overindulging in Jello Jigglers, leading to bedtime mishaps.

“She started throwing up Jello jigglers all over her bed sheets... I tried to carry her to the bathroom. Big mistake... she continued to expel her jigglers all over me, the bedroom floor and bathroom floor... Me, I was on my own to clean out, clean not only myself, but the mess... What a night. We never liked camping again.” — Jim

Important Timestamps

• 00:00-02:16: Heather introduces the show and her guest, opening up about saying “yes”
• 04:37: Discussion of Our Sweet Maria structure and plot
• 07:05: Reading the excerpt about the world continuing after a loved one's death
• 09:08-10:37: Jim’s reasoning for the structure of his memoir — building connection to Maria
• 16:06: Conversations about regret, guilt, and the healing power of writing
• 20:41: Navigating the emotional confusion of medical uncertainty during Maria’s illness
• 24:27: Grieving publicly and advocating for talking about loved ones lost
• 27:45: The "be strong" pressure fathers feel
• 31:08: Jim shares the “Jello Jigglers” camping story

Takeaways & Closing Thoughts

• Grief is lifelong, ever-changing, and interwoven with both sorrow and joy.
• Writing and storytelling can be a balm, a means to honor, process, and maintain connection with the departed.
• Small gestures of remembrance from others mean everything to those grieving.
• Don’t shy away from speaking a loved one’s name—ask, remember, and bear witness.
• Fathers and siblings grieve in their own ways and should be supported too.

Heather closes by expressing deep gratitude to Jim for sharing both his pain and his daughter’s vibrant life, offering comfort and connection to all listening.