What I Did After My Daughter Died: Grief, Purpose & Carrying Her Legacy

Summary

Podcast Summary: "What I Did After My Daughter Died: Grief, Purpose & Carrying Her Legacy"

Podcast Information:

• Title: A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast
• Host/Author: Bright Sighted
• Description: “A Place of YES” is a podcast about using your grief to create something good. The non-profit Jake’s Help From Heaven releases weekly episodes showcasing the good that has been done in the 14 years since Jake’s death. You’ll meet mothers who know Heather’s grief and her joy. You’ll get to know the children that have been helped by Jake and you’ll meet the people who have helped make all of this joy possible.
• Episode: What I Did After My Daughter Died: Grief, Purpose & Carrying Her Legacy
• Release Date: April 17, 2025

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of "A Place of YES," host Jake delves deep into the heart-wrenching yet inspiring journey of Deborah Waffle, a mother who transformed her profound grief over the loss of her daughter, Kelsey, into a beacon of hope and healing for others. Through her story, Deborah illustrates the resilience of the human spirit and the enduring power of love and purpose.

Deborah Waffle's Grief Journey

The episode begins with Deborah recounting the tragic circumstances surrounding Kelsey's passing. [00:00] Deborah shares a haunting memory: “This was something that happened frequently, and she always wanted to be by herself...sometime during the night, she passed away alone.” This moment of loss left Deborah grappling with profound guilt and unanswered questions about what might have been different had she acted otherwise.

Jake empathizes deeply, expressing his sorrow: [00:28] “I am so sorry. I'm so sorry for your loss...It's an impossible thing to move through or pass. Right? Like, we just live with this now.”

Turning Grief into Purpose

As the conversation unfolds, Deborah reveals how she began to channel her grief into something meaningful. [01:27] Jake prompts Deborah to discuss her newfound habit of reading memoirs. “When you first told me that, I was so interested in that," Jake remarks. Deborah explains that she shifted from fiction to memoirs after reading a book that illustrated how individuals overcome immense struggles to create positive change in their lives.

[02:05] Deborah shares, “It was because of Kelsey and seeing her struggle. And so reading about other people that were struggling but found their way out was inspirational to me and helpful.”

This deliberate choice to consume stories of resilience provided Deborah with a roadmap for her own healing, helping her to find strength and purpose amidst her sorrow.

Brody: Therapy Dog and Legacy

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Brody, the golden retriever that became a living tribute to Kelsey. [04:00] Deborah narrates the joy Kelsey felt upon receiving Brody: “We went and, you know, she picked him out...For her, it was like having a baby, something for her to take care of, something that needed her.”

Tragically, Kelsey passed away shortly after Brody was introduced into their lives. [06:33] Deborah describes the heartbreak of losing Kelsey and the daunting task of continuing her dreams. Despite immense grief, Deborah found solace in Brody, who became a tangible connection to her daughter. [06:33] “Brody became my focus and where I was putting my energy because I knew that's what Kelsey would want.”

Brody's role evolved as Deborah trained him to be a therapy dog, fulfilling Kelsey's aspiration to bring comfort to others in hospitals and nursing homes. This endeavor not only honors Kelsey's legacy but also provides Deborah with a sense of purpose and a way to keep her daughter's spirit alive.

Signs and Rituals of Connection

Deborah shares numerous signs that she believes affirm Kelsey's presence in her life. [09:00] She recounts meaningful coincidences, such as the recurrence of the number 23—a nod to Kelsey's favorite basketball jersey number and its significance in her book: “I totally did not do that intentionally...then this just happened a few Weeks ago, I noticed that the book publication date was September 23rd.”

These signs serve as comforting reminders of Kelsey's enduring presence and guide Deborah in her continued journey of healing.

Additionally, Deborah discusses her personal rituals designed to maintain a connection with Kelsey. [10:13] She meticulously preserves Kelsey's favorite belongings, such as dresses and artwork, embedding them into Brody's therapy dog activities by creating personalized bandanas. “Whenever Brody goes to any therapy dog visit, he's wearing a bandana. And when I look at him, it's a memory.”

The Grief Box and Grief Jar Metaphor

A central theme of Deborah's healing process is the concept of the "Grief Box," inspired by the "Grief Jar" metaphor she encountered during a therapy dog visit. [13:00] Deborah explains, “There's this grief jar metaphor...the ball is your grief...the jar grows with your experiences. And when I read the metaphor, I instantly thought of my box.”

In her book, Deborah elaborates on how she created a physical box to collect mementos and memories, symbolizing the expansion of her capacity to carry grief over time. This box serves as a tangible representation of her journey, illustrating that while grief remains constant, her ability to live with it grows through accumulated experiences and cherished memories.

Conclusion and Book Promotion

As the episode draws to a close, Deborah introduces her book, "My Grief Jar," which delves deeper into her experiences and the strategies she developed to cope with loss. [14:28] She encourages listeners to explore her book available on Amazon, offering a resource for those navigating similar paths of grief.

Jake concludes the conversation by expressing admiration for Deborah's strength and the impactful work she continues to do with Brody. [14:46] “I highly recommend that to anybody in our audience if they want to pick it up.”

Notable Quotes

• Deborah Waffle [00:00]: “...sometime during the night, she passed away alone.”
• Jake [00:28]: “I am so sorry for your loss...It's an impossible thing to move through or pass.”
• Deborah Waffle [02:05]: “It was because of Kelsey and seeing her struggle...was inspirational to me and helpful.”
• Deborah Waffle [06:35]: “Brody became my focus and where I was putting my energy because I knew that's what Kelsey would want.”
• Deborah Waffle [09:00]: “...there's 23 chapters. Totally unintentional. And 23 was Kelsey's number in middle school.”
• Deborah Waffle [10:14]: “I do feel that way. And in the book, I do write a few things that happened very recently after she passed that made me feel that way.”
• Jake [12:19]: “...we can find ways to bring ourselves to joy and happiness, and we can live with these two really conflicting feelings.”

Final Thoughts

Deborah Waffle's story is a testament to the transformative power of grief when channeled into purposeful action. Through her determination to honor Kelsey's memory, she not only found a path to her own healing but also created a legacy that continues to uplift and support others facing similar losses. This episode of "A Place of YES" serves as an inspiring narrative of love, resilience, and the enduring bonds that transcend even the deepest of sorrows.

Transcript

[Deborah Waffle]

This was something that happened frequently, and she always wanted to be by herself. And I almost got in the car and I thought, what am I gonna do? She's gonna be up all night trying to go to the bathroom. I'll see her tomorrow. And I went to bed.

[Jake]

Probably didn't even wanna aggravate her. Cause, you know, she wants to be alone. I'm like, there's just so many. It's impossible. It's impossible.

[Deborah Waffle]

And so, of course, I think. And you went to bed, and sometime during the night, she passed away alone. And of course I'll wonder, if I'd gone over, would things have been differently?

[Jake]

I am so sorry. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm so sorry for those feelings, you know? And it's an impossible thing to move through or pass. Right? Like, we just live with this now.

[Host]

Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Welcome to the show.

[Narrator]

Today we continue our deeply moving conversation with Deborah Waffle, who continues to share the profound ways she remains connected to Kelsey. Deborah's story offers intimate insights into her personal rituals that help her heal. Her words stand as a testament to resilience, love, and the enduring strength of a mother's heart.

[Jake]

One of the things that I want to talk about is how before Kelsey passed away, you started reading memoirs. When you first told me that, I was so interested in that. So many people turn to stories or people who are in their same journey after the fact, but it's almost like you. You started this. Well, she was sick and like you said, not even knowing she was gonna pass.

[Deborah Waffle]

Yes. And even immediately afterwards, because I used to read fiction, I would say it was a good 10 years before Kelsey passed, maybe even longer than that. I think it was just by chance that I read a book that was a memoir. And in the book, something horrible happened to a person, and it was how they reacted afterwards and how they took the struggle and found a way to move forward and make something good of it, learn something and become a better person or how it changed the direction of their life in a good way. And I started reading that kind of book, and then I started searching for that kind of book. It was because of Kelsey and seeing her struggle. And so reading about other people that were struggling but found their way out was inspirational to me and helpful. And even though Kelsey herself just didn't happen to be a reader, I would read a book, and sometimes I would recommend it to friends and they would read it and say, that was sad. And I stopped making recommendations to friends. And to me, of course, they had that sad factor, but it was what that person did after. And so I would share with Kelsey, summarize it for her. And I was doing that because I was trying to keep her motivated to not give up. And I was always using that saying, finding something good from something bad. Okay, this is the situation. We have to find something good here. And those books were teaching me that lesson. I have to back up a little bit because of brilliant, because Brody is then a part of how that happened. Kelsey was 27. She had just moved into the house we renovated for her. And I certainly did not want her to be alone, but I wanted her to learn some independence. And she'd always grown up with dogs. And so she was only in the house for a couple of months. And I said, dad, and I want you to have a dog. She was thrilled. She had grown up with labs and golden retrievers, but she just had her heart set on that. So we got her a golden retriever. And before we even got him, Kelsey and I had had a discussion about him becoming a dog therapy. She wanted a boy. She wanted a golden retriever. We didn't even have him yet, but we had this discussion when she was having better days and her dog became a therapy dog that her and the dog could go visit medical facilities and people in hospitals and nursing homes, people that were sick and in chronic pain like she was, and brighten their day. She was so excited to do that someday. And then once we got the golden retriever, it was like one of the happiest days of her life. We went and, you know, she picked him out. She named him. It was the first time she was having a dog of her own. For her, it was like having a baby, you know, something for her to take care of, something that needed her. She got Brody in the spring, and we were walking him, we taught him how to swim. We brought him to the lake. So I felt like this is working. And then when that second summer rolled around, it was. She didn't have it in her. The plan was for, you know, Brody to do this. When Kelsey. The day that Kelsey died, I put Brody in my car and brought him home, and he became my life preserver, because I looked at him, and he was my living connection to her. I just clung to him. And Kelsey and I had signed up for Brody to take an agility class. And so she passed away on a Wednesday. And that Friday, obviously, I was in Shock. I called the place. The first class was the following Wednesday. I called them that Friday. I said, you know, Brody is my daughter's dog. She just passed away. I'm going to cancel. And all that weekend, I kept thinking about those memoirs. I kept thinking about the people I'd read about. And I kept thinking about Kelsey and how excited she was for Brody to do this and how important it was to her. And I kept asking myself, are you strong like all those people that you read about? Are you resilient like all those people you read about? I just couldn't not do it for her. And that Monday morning, I called them up like, so, hoping they'd let me come back.

[Jake]

Because then also now you're nervous right now.

[Deborah Waffle]

I'm like, well, maybe they're going to tell me no. That Monday I called them and I said, I want. Would you please put Brody and myself back on that list? Just a week after she died, Brody and I walked into this agility class. It took every ounce of strength I had to walk in there without Kelsey and just not fall apart. I just did it. And I think that was the beginning for me of having something to focus on, that Brody became my focus and where I was putting my energy because I knew that's what Kelsey would want.

[Jake]

What I love so much about the memoirs that you read, you know, 10 years earlier, it was like self preservation or something, right? Like you gave yourself a toolkit that you didn't even know. You know, you thought you were giving your daughter toolkit or inspiration or something, but in reality you were giving it to yourself.

[Deborah Waffle]

It turned out being what I would need in the future. And I'm sure that you've had the same thing where so many things happen that you look back and you're like, oh, yeah, exactly.

[Jake]

Brody is still here.

[Deborah Waffle]

So.

[Jake]

And is.

[Deborah Waffle]

I immediately decided that he was going to become that therapy dog. And that became what kept me going. Knowing that that's what Kelsey would want and that I was going to fulfill that dream for her. And I've always been a dog person obviously too. So it was something that I would also enjoy. He passed the test when he was only two years old. I was so proud of him being so young. I was so excited when he passed the test. But there was that sadness to it as well. Cause Kelsey wasn't the handler and Kelsey wasn't there.

[Jake]

I still, you know, Jake's been gone almost 15 years and I still have that. You know, you sometimes look so forward to something and then it's never Quite the same. And the other thing can happen too, sometimes, right, where I'm so scared of something bad, and then I'm like, oh, I'm actually okay. I feel really good or really happy now. So, yeah.

[Deborah Waffle]

For example, I told you how just recently my husband and I went away, and Kelsey's been gone now for about two and a half years. And part of it feels like it just happened. And when we got back from this trip, I still had this mindset. When we got home, Kelsey isn't here. You know, that still hits you. That still hits you.

[Jake]

Take your breath away.

[Deborah Waffle]

And I just want to mention. So Brody and I, we go to hospitals and residential facilities. The other day, for the first time, we just went to a senior center, and we're in a continue going there. We have a date set for next week. And it was important for me to figure out a way to make Kelsey a part of it. I took pictures. I love this. Of Kelsey's favorite clothing. Like, she had a long skirt that she used to always wear, dresses that were worn at special occasions, like a dress in Arizona, a dress at her brother's college graduation, and artwork, since she was very artistic. And I took pictures of her favorite things. A company that just makes a blank bandana. And so I would upload an individual picture of, like, a dress or an individual picture of the Shrinky dinks that she made when she was, like, you know, eight years old, put them on bandanas. So whenever Brody goes to any therapy dog visit, he's wearing a bandana. And when I look at him, it's a memory.

[Jake]

You see her.

[Deborah Waffle]

Oh, that's the dress she wore in Arizona, you know. Oh, that's the yearbook cover that she designed.

[Jake]

Do you feel like she's here with you? Like, are there signs?

[Deborah Waffle]

I do. I do feel that way. And in the book, I do write a few things that happened very recently after she passed that made me feel that way. But something more up to date that happened is when I finished writing the book. Maybe it was like a week later that all of a sudden I realized there's 23 chapters. Totally unintentional. And 23 was Kelsey's number in middle school. She played basketball, and it just happened to be her jersey. And from then on, anytime there was an opportunity to choose a number. 23. 23, 23. Even if we were, like, as a family, doing a lottery ticket. And it just hit me because I was like, there's 23 chapters. I totally did not do that intentionally. And then this just happened a few Weeks ago, I noticed that when the book was, like, uploaded to Amazon by a formatting person, that we'd gone back and forth for weeks. And I was looking at the book online, and I noticed the book and the hardcover publication date was September 23rd.

[Jake]

Oh, wow.

[Deborah Waffle]

And all of a sudden, I just saw the 23 and it just hit me again.

[Jake]

I believe in all of those signs. I believe in all of that.

[Deborah Waffle]

Me too. I decided whenever something happens, I like to make it like a memory. And I'm having a ring. Kelsey's 32nd birthday will be April 10th. And I ordered a ring, and I'm having 23 put on the ring for her, you know, as a present to myself for her birthday. And on the inside, having engraved 32 as the inverse for her 32nd birthday for myself. And I'm looking just forward to having that.

[Jake]

I love that. Right? And I think that speaks to something. It speaks to how we have to find ways to bring ourselves to joy and happiness, and we can live with these two really conflicting feelings. Right. Like, you are always heartbroken. You're never not going to be heartbroken, but you can find ways to be connected, to feel connected.

[Deborah Waffle]

That was part of the title, was that connection that I was searching for. Because again, trying to feel connected after she passed away. In the book, I just write about how I started a box. And in my head, I named it since youe Left. And I just started collecting things when we would go away somewhere, we would have a family event when Brody passed the therapy dog test, when he got his certificate, when he was in the newsletter. And I just started filling the box with these memories of things that happened. Since you left, Since Kelsey left. When it came time to come up with a title, the most important thing to me was to have a title that would mean something to everybody who is grieving. On one of our therapy dog visits, a woman said to me, there's this grief jar metaphor. You should look it up. It basically said that the ball is your grief. When you first lose someone that you care about you, the jar are very tiny, and the ball barely fits inside that jar. And with time, the grief never goes away. It never gets smaller. The ball doesn't change size, but you, the jar grow with your experiences. And when I read the metaphor, I instantly thought of my box. I thought, that's the box. And to me, it represents that life has continued since Kelsey left. Just like the jar getting bigger.

[Jake]

I think it's beautiful. And, you know, when we spoke before, I love the since you left box. Where can people tell my audience where they can pick up your book?

[Deborah Waffle]

Yes. Amazon. Amazon.

[Jake]

The Grief jar on Amazon.

[Deborah Waffle]

My grief jar and it's on Amazon.

[Jake]

Well, Deborah, thank you so much for being on the show.

[Deborah Waffle]

Thank you for having me and I am, I really appreciate it.

[Jake]

I have, I enjoyed your book. So I highly recommend that to anybody in our audience if they want to pick it up.

[Deborah Waffle]

Thank you.

[Jake]

And I really have just I'm grateful that you shared Kelsey's story with us and I love what you're doing with Brody.

[Host]

Thank you for listening to A Place of Yes. Please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend. It would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do do and the stories we want to tell. Thank you so much for watching.