What It’s Like to Lose Your Best Friend at 18

Summary

Podcast Summary: "What It’s Like to Lose Your Best Friend at 18" | A Place of Yes | A Grief Podcast

Introduction

In this poignant episode of “A Place of YES,” host Melissa Allen engages in a deeply heartfelt conversation with Aubrey Ide, who shares her journey of losing her best friend, Olivia (Liv), at the tender age of 18. This episode delves into the complexities of grief, the enduring bond of friendship, and the transformative power of turning sorrow into positive action.

Background

Melissa Allen reintroduces listeners to the heart-wrenching story that began in season one, where she interviewed Aubrey shortly after Liv’s untimely death from acute myeloid leukemia (AML). Liv’s courageous battle, marked by chemotherapy, radiation, and even surviving a stroke, left an indelible impact on those who knew her. In this final chapter, Aubrey returns alone to share her personal experiences and reflections two years after Liv’s diagnosis.

Early Days of Loss

Aubrey reminisces about her sophomore year at Lehigh University, contrasting it with her freshman year. She highlights the suddenness of Liv’s illness and the initial shock it brought to their close-knit friend group.

“It was very unheard of and unknown just for our friend group and in general, our school.” [05:23]

Melissa reflects on the pivotal nature of that summer, emphasizing how Liv’s diagnosis overshadowed what should have been a time of excitement and transition.

The Diagnosis and Initial Reactions

Liv’s diagnosis of leukemia came as a profound surprise. Aubrey describes the ordinary moments that turned extraordinary as Liv’s health declined, such as pool parties in Liv’s backyard adapted to protect her weakened immunity.

“We obviously had to only be outside. It was different. And it felt like almost awkward at first just cause like, we're so used to being on top of each other.” [04:27]

Aubrey shares the turmoil of learning about Liv’s condition through a GoFundMe update, leading to an emotional conversation where Liv conveyed her underlying fear despite her brave exterior.

“I could feel the fear.” [14:15]

Coping with Grief

Aubrey discusses the mix of emotions—hope, confusion, and survivor’s guilt—that accompanied Liv’s battle with cancer. She recounts how Liv’s openness about her illness provided comfort yet also deepened her own sense of uncertainty.

“I was just so confused. Cause it wasn't who she was.” [07:30]

Melissa probes into how Liv maintained a positive facade, exploring whether Liv felt pressured to stay strong.

“If I'm not positive and if I let my guard down a little bit, then I'm just gonna fall into a hole.” [14:40]

Hospital Visits and Final Days

The conversation shifts to Liv’s final days, highlighting the physical and emotional toll of her illness. Aubrey vividly describes the moment she realized Liv’s impending passing upon seeing her severely ill state.

“I saw her throwing up blood. Like, she had bruises all over. Her face just looks so different.” [20:24]

Aubrey recounts the heartbreaking final week, including the emotional drive back to the hospital and the surreal experience of processing Liv’s deteriorating condition.

“Seeing her like that, I just didn’t know.” [20:46]

The Funeral and Aftermath

Aubrey and her sister Sophia delivered heartfelt eulogies, expressing their deep love and the impact Liv had on their lives. She reflects on the overwhelming support from friends and family, which provided solace during the darkest days.

“I cried for I don't know how long it was. Cuz I wasn't crying.” [25:59]

Melissa acknowledges the significance of the service as a concrete closure, helping Aubrey and others fully comprehend Liv’s passing.

Life After Loss: Changes and Reflections

Two years later, Aubrey shares how Liv’s battle with cancer has fundamentally altered her perspective on life. She emphasizes the importance of gratitude, resilience, and honoring Liv’s memory by living fully.

“If Olivia could battle cancer for nine months. I can go run a mile.” [31:54]

Aubrey explains how this experience has heightened her appreciation for health and the small joys in life, urging others to not take things for granted.

“There is so much more out there. It's not that big of a deal.” [32:10]

Grieving in Solitude Amidst Support

Despite the support from friends and family, Aubrey admits to feelings of loneliness. She highlights the unique and irreplaceable bond with Liv, which can sometimes make shared grief feel isolating.

“Even though we're all going through it, it still feels lonely.” [29:19]

Advice to Others

Aubrey offers heartfelt advice to those who have lost a best friend, acknowledging that grief never fully disappears but can evolve into a source of strength and positive action.

“The grief will never go away. But you will continue to grow, and it will be with you.” [38:24]

She encourages others to honor their loved ones by engaging in meaningful actions that reflect the person’s legacy.

“Continue to do those little things, because as much as it can hurt sometimes and you don't want to do it, at the end of the day, you know that that will give them comfort.” [38:24]

Conclusion

Melissa and Aubrey conclude the episode by celebrating Liv’s enduring legacy and the profound impact her friendship has had on Aubrey’s life. The conversation underscores the enduring nature of true friendship and the possibility of finding light amidst profound loss.

“It makes you feel good to let yourself be sad and give yourself the space... and these conversations bring it up, and then it's… it feels good to have the memories.” [38:02]

Final Thoughts

This episode of “A Place of YES” serves as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the enduring power of love and friendship. Through Aubrey’s honest and moving narrative, listeners gain insight into navigating grief, finding strength in memories, and transforming loss into a legacy of hope and support for others.

Transcript

[Aubrey Ide]

You survived a stroke and you came back fully from it. You've already battled it for like seven months, like, what can you not do? And she was like agreeing with me and stuff and she was like, I really want to tell you, but I was waiting till you were home. I think when I was talking to her, like I could hear kind of like just the fear of like the unknown and like how she was scared. Maybe that doesn't take away that she didn't do everything with a smile, but she definitely, I could feel the fear.

[Melissa Allen]

Welcome to A Place of Yes, a podcast about how I moved through my darkest hour. And for me, that was in channeling my grief into good. Welcome to the show. Today's episode is in many ways the final chapter of a story that began back in season one of A Place A Yes. I first spoke with Melissa Allen just months after the loss of her daughter Olivia. Liv's cancer appeared suddenly during the spring of her senior year. And she fought with everything she had. Chemo, radiation, even recovering from a stroke. She did it all with a smile. When she passed, she left a void for so many of us this season. Melissa returned, this time joined by Liv's sister Sophia and Liv's best friend Aubrey for our first A Place of yes roundtable. We later sat down one on one with Sophia for a deep dive into sibling loss and the ripple effects it has on the whole family. Today we go deep with Aubrey. Best friends for as long as they could remember, Liv and Aubrey had big plans. Starting their own law firm, raising families next door to each other. You never saw one without the other. So we're talking about what it's really like to lose your best. The grief, the anger, the fear, the whole mix of emotions. And we're having this conversation right around the two year mark since Liv's diagnosis, the milestone that forever reshaped Aubrey's memories of senior year and the summer before college. Let's get into it. So I am really happy to be here today with Aubrey Ide and last time she was here she was with Melissa and Sophia Allen. So Aubrey, I'm so happy to have you here for like a one to one. We going to focus on you today. We're going to talk about all the things. Well first let me start. Welcome home. How was your sophomore year at Lehigh?

[Aubrey Ide]

It was great, great year, lots of fun. I definitely enjoyed this year more than freshman year. Freshman year. Yeah, it's great, it's fun. New place but sophomore year is a lot better.

[Melissa Allen]

I think Ethan felt that same way too. It's like you find your, like, people, right? Like you find your group of friends. You figure out you. You're space in it.

[Aubrey Ide]

All right? Yeah, yeah. You have like an actual routine. You're not like, figuring out what your schedule is.

[Melissa Allen]

You mentioned this, and this really stuck with me in our last conversation. Like, I've thought about it a lot. You talked about how the summer before freshman year, after senior year, how when you got to college last year, your freshman year, like, everybody you were meeting was like talking about the fun times they had. And for you it sucked. Like, it just was. And I've thought about that a lot because obviously I'm significantly older than you. But I think back at that time, right? Because that is just. It is a pivotal point in everyone's life. That summer before you go to college or the summer after you graduate, like, if you don't go to college, it's still like, it's just a big transition year. And to have something so altering happen. I've tried to put myself in your shoes and I can't. And how do you feel about that now? Has time made that feel different or does it still. Do you still look back on that? And it just.

[Aubrey Ide]

I look back in it and I still feel the same way, but in a way I can't change anything that happened. And I now kind of can look back and be like, at least I had that time. Like, at least she still was here. Yeah, the circumstances were different. Going to grad parties, just going places over the summer, like the Costa Rica trip with all our friends, like how she wasn't there. It's just never the same without like your one person that like, gets you. I still was able to visit her. I still went to the hospital. She was home sometimes. We did have pool parties in her backyard.

[Melissa Allen]

What was that like?

[Aubrey Ide]

It was different. I mean, with a big group of people, like more than 10. We obviously had to only be outside.

[Melissa Allen]

Cause you had to protect her immunity. Yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

And it was the beginning. Melissa, Chuck, they didn't know anything. My mom, like, they didn't know anything. They're like, you just have to be safe. Like, you really can't share anything. You have to stay outside. It was just different. And it felt like almost awkward at first just cause like, we're so used to being on top of each other. Like, we're just friends. Like, that's what it was like.

[Melissa Allen]

I've thought about that too. So I'd love like, let's go there a little bit. Did it get awkward between you guys? Like, to set the stage for the audience that hasn't listened to our other parts. Although they should.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yes.

[Melissa Allen]

You know, Liv was the spring of senior year. No, not feeling well. Sleeping more. And I remember you even talked about, like, where was, like, at senior. The party. After the party, fell asleep. Like, asleep on the couch. Like, not typical Linda.

[Aubrey Ide]

I was like, olivia, what are you doing?

[Melissa Allen]

Like, what's happening here? So lo and behold, she gets diagnosed with leukemia. What is that like for you guys?

[Aubrey Ide]

I mean, it was, like, very unheard of and unknown just for our friend group and in general, our school. Yeah. Like, it was very unheard of and unknown for us. And we had a close, close coach. Coach Roberts passed away from breast cancer. And both Olivia and I were very, like, involved in her life and someone we also looked up to. But when she. When she got diagnosed, there was, like. I Googled a lot. My mom told me. No Googling. I'm sure.

[Melissa Allen]

Impossible not to.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, impossible not to. And I think I had a lot of hope. And, I mean, I had hope through it the whole time. Like, Liv says, hope is the only thing stronger than fear. But, um, like, I saw, like, the good in that. Like, there's a lot of research. Hopefully she'll be okay. Like, we'll all be there for her. But a lot of, like, my uncertainty was just, like, what was to come? Like, what would it be like? Was she in the hospital every day? Was she gonna be at home with us? Could we even hang out with her?

[Melissa Allen]

Like, such normal questions, right? Like, and just your mind almost can't think of anything else but, like, the what ifs. Yeah. And at that time in your life when it's such a wild time, like, you know what I mean? Because it's sort of everything you've known is changing for the good, right? Like. Cause it's exciting, but it's also scary. And then I think just having this, like, when she was, like, at parties and, like, not going out as much, like, I'm assuming you would get frustrated with her.

[Aubrey Ide]

I was just so, like, we would go to my house, you know, we would, like, extended lunch every time we go to my house. We'd watch a movie every time. Cause, like, she was tired. And I was fine with that, but I just didn't understand, like, we would go and just do normal things too. Like, just, like, go out, like, oh, wanna just go, like, work out to the Y. But, like, she was too tired or, like, go for a run or, like, play field hockey. Just, like, hit the ball around. And it wasn't like, I was frustrated, but I was just so confused. Cause it wasn't who she was. Like, I was more, like, I think concerned, but I didn't think anything more of it than, like, maybe she has, like, depression. Cause you always think people are tired when you're depressed. But I was like, she's just not.

[Melissa Allen]

And then you find out that it's this. It's so crazy. How do you think she felt? So, like, you're getting ready. Like, you know, you're starting this new chapter, as is the entire friend group, as is the entire class for the most part. And I feel like she was one of the first, you know, like, in those, like, to post where they were going. Wasn't. Was she gonna go to, like, Penn State? She's. She posted she's going to Penn State, then she's going to Florida. Like, so she was so in on all these things. What was it like doing that without her?

[Aubrey Ide]

It was just upsetting. And I think I had a little bit of, like, not survivor's guilt she's still alive, but, like, guilt that I get to go on and do all these fun things when she's, like, the only person in our grade that doesn't get to experience something to that extent. Like, when I had fun, when I met new friends, when I had all these new opportunities, in a way, I felt, like, terrible telling her because she can't relate. She's in the hospital. Like, she can't relate to those things. And. And I think I'm really fortunate that she was able to visit me the amount of times that she did. And, like, she came.

[Melissa Allen]

How many times she come.

[Aubrey Ide]

Four or so. Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

That's awesome.

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, she came to my formal for one of them. So, like, that was the experience that she got. And I'm so happy she got that. But even just now, like, when I'm at school, I just think about, wow, like, she never got to really experience this.

[Melissa Allen]

So when she came to visit you, was she healthy enough at those times? Like, did. Did you guys go out? Like, did you do, like.

[Aubrey Ide]

So she got, like, yeah, she went to, like, fully our formal, like, all the way out 2:00am like, that's awesome.

[Melissa Allen]

So she had some, like, college moments.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

When she was visiting you, were you able to just totally relax and have fun with her? And did it feel like your best friend or did it feel different?

[Aubrey Ide]

Honestly, it felt totally fine and comfortable, I think, because just of how close we were, like, I was trying to obviously make sure she was having fun. Like, that was, like, My highest priority. But it felt like just like any other day with her. Yeah, we had fun.

[Melissa Allen]

That's awesome that you got that. Yes and no. Like, you should have so much more, you know, so. But. But the fact that you could have some of those moments and those memories, when you think of live now, what do you think about?

[Aubrey Ide]

Kind of everything. Yes. It's hard not to think about the last year and a half because that was such a pivotal time in everyone's life and her life. But when I do try to think, when I think of the cancer, I think of how she fought the cancer. Like, the positive attitude, the fighting with a smile, the helping other kids. And then when I think of, like, old, past, past memories, they're just like random little ones. Like, I was driving to their house yesterday. Two days ago, I turned this corner. That's really sharp. I thought Olivia. And I literally looked my passenger seat and I was like, oh, my God. Wait, Olivia's not here. Because there's this one time where we were literally on, like, two wheels, because I didn't know that that turn was that sharp. So, yeah, I think the past memories are just all the little ones and, like, things that just come up when.

[Melissa Allen]

You'Re doing stuff, they're the hard ones. Right? Like those. I know what you mean. In those moments where you, like, turn. Like, it's like you forget for a minute.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Do you talk to her?

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, yeah, sometimes I talk to her, but I more like text her. Like, do you.

[Melissa Allen]

Do you still text her?

[Aubrey Ide]

I still Snapchat her. She's still pinned on my Snapchat. Like, the top of the Snapchat list. I Snapchat her.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah, I sort of love that. Like, I think that's really cool. Does it make you feel better? Does it make you feel connected? Or does it sometimes or both? Like.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, no, I think it makes me. The texting more is usually me. Makes me feel a little bit more upset because, like, I just can see, like, it's just text and there's no response. The Snapchat's more, like, fun. Like, I kind of, like, keep her updated, what I'm doing.

[Melissa Allen]

So it's more like a happy update. Like, it's like a.

[Aubrey Ide]

Or like when the one year ago or like three years ago photos come up with us. I'll send it and then I just, like, save it so I can, like, go back and look at them.

[Melissa Allen]

Pictures are really hard, like, because they capture this moment. And you never know in those moments that they're going to be your last. You know, I mean, like, some of those photos you do, but, like, you know, you just don't like. So they take you back to such a different time. And they can be wonderful if you're in the right head space. They can also be, like, devastating.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, it depends for sure. I was looking at photos, just looking, not for any particular reason. And I was just like, there's just a time my camera roll where there's just no more photos. And I was just like, I don't get it. A year has gone by, and there's just no more. Like, I will never have another photo with her. And I think that's just, like, crazy to me because we were only in high school. Like, we still had at least being home in the same town, like, four more years. I kind of like grief that I will never have another picture.

[Melissa Allen]

It's a hard thing to wrap your head around.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

You know, you think about. I think about the people that I was closest to in high school, and one of them is still, like, my dearest friend. Like, so it's just those people who have known you just, like, the good, the bad, the ugly, the ups, the downs, like, inside and out. And, like, the person who you don't even sometimes have to use words for and you're communicating. That was Liv to you?

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

During this time, did she tell you she was scared? Did she open up to you? Like, did you have those conversations?

[Aubrey Ide]

Certain things she was super open about. Like, when she first got diagnosed with cancer, it was. I knew, our close friends knew. Then the whole school knew. Then extended people knew. Like, other towns knew. I think we talked about this a little bit, but that was super helpful, I think, for other people, because they didn't have to tell people. It helped give comfort to people, like, knowing her battle and, like, it opened up and even for me. So she kept me a lot up to or very up to date about when her chemo was, what her, like, program was, and a part of it. Like, she allowed me to go with her. Sometimes I had those hospital sleepovers. And then when things weren't going well, like when she had her stroke, obviously the communication kind of went down a little bit. It was more like Melissa calling me or my mom telling me. And then when her cancer mutated from all to aml, I was sitting in my professor's political science office hours getting help for our exam. I like, randomly go on the GoFundMe because the kid next to me who knew me was asking, like, oh, how's your friend? And I just Like, I don't know why. Something compelled me to go on to it. And I looked and I saw there was an update. And I'm like, what update? Like, I thought I knew everything. I read it and it talked about how it mutated to aml. I started tearing up and I left. And I called my mom at first because I didn't want to bother Olivia. And my mom was like. Told me everything, and she was like, olivia was waiting till you were home because I was coming home that weekend. So I text Olivia that afternoon, and I'm like, kind of like saying that. Like, I'm sorry, but this is just like, this is another thing. Like, you survived a stroke and you came back fully from it. You've already battled it for, like, seven months. Like, what can you not do? And she was, like, agreeing with me and stuff. And she was like, I really want to tell you, but I was waiting till you were home. I think when I was talking to her, like, I could hear kind of like just the fear of, like, the unknown and like, how she was scared. Maybe that doesn't take away that she didn't do everything with a smile, but she definitely. I could feel the fear.

[Melissa Allen]

Cause she's human, right? Like, and I mean, I honestly, of course she was scared, right? Like, do you think that she felt pressure from herself almost, like. Cause I mean, her whole, like, fight with a smile.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

You know, all that.

[Aubrey Ide]

I think it was like, if I'm not positive and if I let my guard down a little bit, then I'm just gonna fall into a hole. And I feel that way about some things in life too. Like, the moment that you let your about something, it's like, down, down, down. Maybe her way of putting on a positive attitude was just convincing. And yes, she believed it. But telling yourself, oh, I got this.

[Melissa Allen]

So when you could tell in her voice that she was scared, did you say anything or did you. Did you tiptoe around it? And I don't know what I would do. It's an impossible conversation at an impossible age.

[Aubrey Ide]

I kind of more just focused, like, the positive, you know, like, you've done this before or just, like, little things, like trying to call her FaceTime her. I didn't really get into her and, like, what she felt. Cause I let her, like, dictate that. Yeah, I didn't want to feel, like, forced.

[Melissa Allen]

Of course. So for you, like, you're getting this huge news unexpected. You think you're up to date on everything. Like, were you mad? Were you scared? Were you sad? Were You. All of the above. Like, what did you do with that information after you talked to, like, Liv?

[Aubrey Ide]

Well, at first, I was a little mad. I was like, why did no one tell me this? Like, this is huge news. Am I the only person that doesn't know this?

[Melissa Allen]

Especially if it's on GoFundMe. You're like, then anybody who's reading this is learning.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah. And it was literally from, like, that day. And then when I began to talk to her, I remember still being very hopeful, and I didn't understand. But then when she was, like, kind of telling me, like, this is, like, what happened, or is, like, one in, like, 6,000 numbers? I don't know.

[Melissa Allen]

Like, yeah, yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, super. I was like, like, wow. I was very shocked because it was.

[Melissa Allen]

Going well, because that was the time, right, that they were hoping that she could get, like, the bone marrow transplant, right?

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah. That was another thing. Like, when she went to get her bone marrow transplant, that was the first time she kind of, like, let me in on, like, her disappointment because she was like, I'll be away. Like, I'll be in Rochester, wherever she was gonna end up for, like, four months. Like, I'm not gonna see anybody. Like, I'm gonna be out there with only, like, my mom. And, like, that was the first time I could really get a sense of her, like, disappointment. Like, no, she doesn't want to be five hours away from home and missing.

[Melissa Allen]

Like, the little connection to people that she had.

[Aubrey Ide]

And, like, she made friends with the people on her floor. Like, those were her people. Like, getting adjusted to a whole new hospital and the whole new nurses. Like, her nurses were her people.

[Melissa Allen]

Even all this time that's passed. Right. It's hard to even. And again, me, like, such an outsider to this story, but it's so hard to even imagine that this is the way that it. It played out.

[Aubrey Ide]

And I, like, sometimes I wish I, like, really knew. Like. Like, after she had that stroke and she. The type of chemo that would have been, like, the most beneficial, like, usually has the best success. Success for children. Like, that's when I thought, like, yeah, she had a stroke. Super rare. There's so many things out there. But, like, I didn't know. Like, that was the first, like, really, like, oh, shit.

[Melissa Allen]

Like, that's not, like, a pivotal moment. Yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

My whole time, I was just so, like, I couldn't see that. And even, like, other things, like her being on the older side of having cancer. I'm sure, like, Melissa and my mom, like, I've talked to my Mom a little bit about it. She's like, those are huge things that affect it. And I didn't know that. But I wish. I don't know if I wish I knew. Like, if my mom told me that. Cause no one knew what was going to happen.

[Melissa Allen]

You learn from these experiences. You don't have this information before.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

So back to that. Like, you're in this poli sci teacher. When you learn that news, do you have friends there that at that point you felt like you had a network? Like, do you have. Do you have people you went to? And, like, you, like, what did you do with that information?

[Aubrey Ide]

It was so great. Olivia got to come visit me because my friends knew her.

[Melissa Allen]

She was a real person.

[Aubrey Ide]

She was like a person. You could put a name to her face. They actually had a very good connection with her. My friends loved her. I think that was so helpful for me because they've never been through their friend having cancer. No one in their high school had cancer. Like, we've talked about it. Being able to make a connection with her, like, helped me when I was, like, struggling. Cause they kind of, like, could lean into, like, a little bit of how I was feeling. And yeah, I literally. I can remember the day, like, I went into their room, their triple room, and we all just, like, talked.

[Melissa Allen]

I guess I didn't realize that she was able to go down four times. Like, what a gift, right? Like you said, it's a real concrete person that you are grieving. It's not this idea. It's like a real person. So they probably felt really touched and impacted by it as well.

[Aubrey Ide]

Definitely.

[Melissa Allen]

You came home. Right? So when was that? When did that happen?

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, literally, like a week before I came home.

[Melissa Allen]

And then you came home. That's like, around the time that she passed. Right.

[Aubrey Ide]

So then I. It was a Friday. My mom comes. Like, no, you should really come home. Like, you really, really have to come home.

[Melissa Allen]

And did you kind of read between.

[Aubrey Ide]

The lines that I read between the lines. I understood what was happening. Not to the fullest extent, but I understood she was extremely sick.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

I ubered home because I remember that no one could come to get me.

[Melissa Allen]

So just like. So from pencil, what is that, like, six hours?

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, four.

[Melissa Allen]

Four. Okay.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Still significant.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, significant. Like, my mom was already at the hospital with Melissa.

[Melissa Allen]

Okay.

[Aubrey Ide]

And I ubered straight to the hospital.

[Melissa Allen]

What was that ride like? Were you a mess?

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, I was just. I remember I was with my friends right before I left. I was in their room, and I was just crying and crying and that I got in the car and I was like this Uber driver who even picks up a four hour ride.

[Melissa Allen]

Well, I was just gonna. That was. I was like, that's just something too.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah. And he just had no idea what I was thinking in the backseat or where I was going. I fell asleep for majority of the ride, which definitely wasn't safe.

[Melissa Allen]

So you're coming home, your mom's like, you know, you gotta get here. You're reading between the lines. You're like, this isn't good. But you still weren't thinking that this was the end. The end?

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

You're just thinking, this is another bump in the road.

[Aubrey Ide]

Another bump in the road. Got to the hospital. I saw her. I've never seen that before. Like, I've never seen someone in that condition. Like, when I saw her, she was throwing up blood. Like, she had bruises all over. Her face just looks so different. And that's when I realized what was happening.

[Melissa Allen]

Like, as soon as you saw her.

[Aubrey Ide]

Mm. Mm. I didn't really have to ask my mom. I don't think I did. I just knew. Seeing her like that, I. I think was the hardest part. I understood she was going to pass away, but she didn't pass away yet. And I couldn't comprehend that. Like, that's not like we've lived 18 years. Like, what do you mean she's gonna pass away? That wasn't really a thought. It was just seeing her, like, that was the hardest part because I was so used to tan skin, beautiful Olivia, even when she had cancer, still beautiful. But, like, she just did not look anything like herself. And I was just so hurt, I think, watching her suffer.

[Melissa Allen]

Could she. Like, she knew you were there.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, she knew I was there.

[Melissa Allen]

So how. What was that timeframe? Was that. Was that days?

[Aubrey Ide]

That was a week before she passed. So I went home, like, the weekend before, or I went to visit her the weekend before she passed. I was there. And then it was just Sophia and I. Cause Sophia and I had the sleepover. I think we talked about a little bit. And Sofia didn't understand.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah. She didn't see it coming.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah. And then the next day, like, Ally, Emma, Riley, Hye, like, a bunch of people came. I remember telling people, and they were just like. Like, they. Like they asked the question back. Like, wait, she's going to die? And I was like, yeah, how'd you.

[Melissa Allen]

Wrap your head around that? Like.

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, she's like, who you want to go to when something like, terrible is happening to you, but what is happening to her? Is like, I can't go talk to her. Like, she's not there. It was difficult to wrap my head around it. Even, like, the first full, like, month, two months, still didn't feel real.

[Melissa Allen]

Like, after. Yeah, you segued that perfectly. Because I honestly was gonna say, like, what were those first days after?

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, I went to class.

[Melissa Allen]

You stayed until she passed, or did you. Cause the.

[Aubrey Ide]

I went home Sunday or Monday, something like that. Honestly, like, part of it, I forget because.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah, it's a blur. A blur. 100%.

[Aubrey Ide]

I went back to school, and it was any day. Like, the word was any day. She's going to pass. Livia doesn't give up. She did not pass any day. It was like, a week. And I.

[Melissa Allen]

The end. Yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

Every single night. I woke up every hour on the.

[Melissa Allen]

Hour, like, checking your phone.

[Aubrey Ide]

Checking my phone. Looking for my mom's text, like, always looking. The night she did pass, I slept perfectly fine until he called me, which is really weird.

[Melissa Allen]

So I have theories about that. And mostly just because I spent so much time talking about, like, grief and death and, like, abnormal, like, amount of time thinking about it, I feel like that was her. Right? Like, that was her being, like, comfort. Yeah. Like, she's like, it's time. I think that you should feel like, that's really beautiful, because I think that that is her way of being. Like, you've been my, like, ride or die for this whole time. And, like, you're gonna need strength in the next few days, so take it now.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

She gave you a good night's sleep.

[Aubrey Ide]

Definitely. Even the day she passed, I went to practice.

[Melissa Allen]

Did you?

[Aubrey Ide]

And everyone's like, what the.

[Melissa Allen]

Aubrey, why are you here?

[Aubrey Ide]

Why are you here? Like, I knew people were whispering about me in line, like, saying. But I was just. Like, nothing changed for me then. Like, I just couldn't understand it.

[Melissa Allen]

And it's also like, what are you gonna do? Like, that. That's the whole grief thing, right? Like, people expect you to be a certain way at a certain time. And the thing with grief is you just don't know. You don't know. And if you haven't even able to fully process it, how can you. Like, what are you gonna do? You're just gonna sit there and not go to practice? You might as well go to practice. It's not like you just sit there and be like, okay, I'm processing my grief now. Right? Like, it's not like I'm studying for a test. Yeah. Yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

Like a book.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah. So you just have to, like, sometimes do what you feel, you know, you feel good doing and I'm sure like practice is just something you did and it's just. So then did you come home right away? Cause her service was. What was it, the next month or something?

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, the next month it was like I came home, I think multiple weekends. I just didn't feel like being at school and I knew I wouldn't have fun just like hanging out with people. And I wanted to be in the comfort of my home in the Allens. And then I came home for the funeral.

[Melissa Allen]

How were your friends like, during, like when you were there? Like, were they when I was at school? Yeah, like in those weeks.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, they were really supportive. I mean, even for them, it's very unknown. They don't know how I feel. I don't even really know how I felt myself. But they did. They were so, so caring and so helpful without like saying, like, we're here for you.

[Melissa Allen]

Like you just.

[Aubrey Ide]

But you felt you want to talk to us. Like, they did my laundry when I got there. Like, I probably didn't even do my own laundry for two months. Like, like there was flowers, cards, like just little things that like I knew was them, like helping me.

[Melissa Allen]

So it made you feel like you had people, which is so important, I think.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

The turnout at her services was just unbelievable, right? Like the whole. So many people showed up and the line and just this stuff and I don't know if I said this during the last one or not, but you and Sofia giving the eulogy. Brian and I were in tears, but so moved. Like you got up there and you like.

[Aubrey Ide]

I cried.

[Melissa Allen]

You cried, but then you got it together.

[Aubrey Ide]

I cried for I don't know how long it was.

[Melissa Allen]

It wasn't that long. I mean.

[Aubrey Ide]

Cuz I wasn't crying.

[Melissa Allen]

Well, sometimes you need a. You need like a. I think I.

[Aubrey Ide]

Just saw the people and I was like, wow. Like, she touched a lot of people.

[Melissa Allen]

I mean, it was, it was wild. It was. And you just gave such a beautiful eulogy. Did you ever watch yourself? Like, did you?

[Aubrey Ide]

No, I wanted to. My mom's like, I don't think anyone recorded it.

[Melissa Allen]

Oh, Jesus.

[Aubrey Ide]

I mean, maybe someone did, but I don't know. But I really wish.

[Melissa Allen]

Well, if anybody has that on record, let us, let us know. I remember like we were sitting there and I was like, wow. And it was a testament to your friendship and your love and all of the things. And even the crying in the beginning, the fact that you. It would have been so easy to just say, I can't do it and sit down, you know? And you didn't. Like, it was awesome. That's something you should always carry and feel really proud of. Cause it was just so, like. Like, the mom in me is like, oh, my God. That was amazing.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Those are weird days, though, right? Like, because you can kind of get used to the idea that the person is gone, but, like, in limbo, like, the service, to me, at least, was, like, a concrete end.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah. I think that, like, needed to happen for people to fully, like, understand and even myself, like, I was still not getting it. Like, she was gone.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah. It's like a weird limbo. Like, you're kind of like, I can straddle life and death here. Yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

And I think just seeing the amount of people that were there and, like, seeing that impact left me with, like, a positive. Like, this is how many people she made an impact on and changed for the better. And her story came across, too. As hard as that day was seeing that right when I was reading the eulogy, I was like, wow, I would do anything to have Olivia back. But, like, she made such an impact.

[Melissa Allen]

And that must. Like, that's your best friend.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, that's cool.

[Melissa Allen]

Oh, Liv. It ends up being kind of a nice.

[Aubrey Ide]

No, it was nice.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah, it's nice.

[Aubrey Ide]

I didn't understand. And that was like, I'm celebrating everything and who she was.

[Melissa Allen]

And sometimes it's like, you just need to be around other people with people she loves, and everyone is there for the same reason. And I think that even when you're not that inner person, you're there because of the person that is so important to you.

[Aubrey Ide]

Exactly.

[Melissa Allen]

People talk about the stages of grief. Right. And they talk about anger, all this stuff. And I kind of feel like that's all nonsense. But I feel like there's these other sort of stages of grief, and they're not really stages of grief, but stages of the process. Right. So there's the denial, then there's the death, and then there's this sort of limbo, and then there's this sort of finality of it. And then there's just like, life ever after. Right. Like, there's this getting used to this reality that is never going to be the same reality that you had. And in those days, like, were there people that you found really helpful, or were there things you found really helpful?

[Aubrey Ide]

I think just having the Allens and knowing, like, we're all going through this, and I still can't imagine, like, how they felt, but just knowing that we have each Other. And like, there is people in my other friend, like our close friend group, knowing, like, this is how everyone's feeling right now. Everyone takes it in differently and expresses it differently, but we're all going through it and like leaning on them. And my family, my parents was definitely helpful.

[Melissa Allen]

Were there times when you were like. And I wonder this especially like among all of your friends, like you and Liv's friends, did you feel alone even though you're surrounded by people?

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, I felt really like, even not just when I was at school, sometimes when I'm at home and I'm sure they'll be listening to this, but I'm sure they feel the same way as I do. Even though we're all going through it, it is still lonely. Sometimes we don't talk. We don't want to talk about Liv. Sometimes we do. But like, you don't know how what the other person in our friend group feels. So you don't want to just address it if it's not like the mood. So, yeah, it feels lonely. And there's obviously certain things that only you relate to with Liv or.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah, because they're like your memories and your things. Just because you're feeling like talking about it doesn't anyone else's. And you don't wanna bring the mood down. But sometimes, like, I don't know, there's no magic answer to it. Right. But like, I sometimes find it to be such a hard feeling to be grieving amongst others but still feeling so freaking lonely. Like, you know, do you think, like, losing Liv has made you a different friend or a different daughter or different like, anything? How has it changed you?

[Aubrey Ide]

First, even just her battle with cancer has completely changed me. And how I see the world and how I view friendships, relationships, other people, I just take every single day. I see the positive the moment I wake up. I think a lot of people take their health for granted. And even I did athletic growing up, always cared about my sports, was a healthy kid. Even people like my parents, extended relatives. Like, you don't realize your health until you are unhealthy. Like, even when you just have a cold, you're like, oh my God, like, only if I was healthy right now. And that's something that I completely has changed for me. And I don't ever take that for granted. There was a time I walked into lift at Lehigh and our trainer asked, what are you grateful for? And everyone's saying, like, you know, like, my breakfast this morning, I'm like, my health. And he was like, yeah, it's so good. Like, you're not sick. But I was like, not even that. Like, there is kids and people and adults and 80 year olds that cannot do anything right now. They can't get out of bed. Like, that is what you have to think about sometimes. Like, it is bigger than just you, 100%. And I think that part of her cancer has changed my perspective a lot. Pushing through things and knowing if Olivia could battle cancer for nine months. I can go run a mile. I was running a mile. Yes. I was running to the Allen's house yesterday because Melissa was bored. I thought it was three miles, it was five. And so my sister had picked me up, but I was running and I had my live. Like, live shirt on, and I wanted to quit. And I was like, how embarrassing would it be if someone drove by and knew me and my shirt said live? Like, live. And I just start walking right now. So I ran because, like, that those little things I think about, if she had cancer and she could do that. I can do one more thing.

[Melissa Allen]

Like, I. I can keep running.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Yeah.

[Aubrey Ide]

Just in general, it makes me appreciate a lot more things and little things that my friends at school would get upset with or something. I'm just like, that big. It's not that big of a deal. There is so much more out there. It's not that big of a deal.

[Melissa Allen]

I would say that is the biggest thing. Like, even all these years later, that sticks with me. Like, when you have had a big loss. And not that I'm always perfect at it, because sometimes I can make a mountain out of a molehill so quick, you know, like, it's so easy to just, like, it's not that big of a deal.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Move on.

[Aubrey Ide]

Like, it's not. Sometimes, like, I get angry at people at school and they're, like, complaining about something so small or like, oh, my God.

[Melissa Allen]

You're like, stop it.

[Aubrey Ide]

People are, like, fighting for their lives, and that's just a big example. But, like, even smaller things. Like, people have nothing.

[Melissa Allen]

It makes you see the inequities in all of the world. Once you see that so clearly, it's so hard not to. And you just feel everything. Like, you're gonna be like a feeler forever. Like, you're gonna, like, you know, and so you were talking about your health, and when what happened to Liv happened, it must have been so scary. Right? And we talked about this a little in the beginning. Like, she is healthy. She is all of these things. And what the. Like, how does this even happen? Did you go through A stage where you were, like, convinced you had leukemia.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah. Well, to definitely tell you that, the truth, I was so tired. I exaggerated everything, probably, but I was really tired. And I would text my mom every day. Something's wrong with me. Something's wrong with me. Mom's like, all right, fine. I'll get you blood work. You're fine, though. I'll get you blood work.

[Melissa Allen]

But you're legitimately scared, right? Because you watch this happen.

[Aubrey Ide]

I watch this happen to my friend. It's like, if it can happen to her, it can happen to anybody.

[Melissa Allen]

But you're okay.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

Okay.

[Aubrey Ide]

And I. I kind of forgot what it was. Something like iron, probably.

[Melissa Allen]

I feel like iron. It's always iron. It's always iron.

[Aubrey Ide]

No, I convinced myself I had leukemia.

[Melissa Allen]

Of course you did. Right? Like, do. I mean, like, it's like, how our mind works, right? Like. Cause it's like you're trying to make something unreal be real. How have you adjusted to. You know, it's shocking, right? Like, it's. It's still probably shocking, but, like, what's your day to day look like now with her? Like. And I know you said you, like, you get up and you appreciate. How do you process it still?

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah, I think I'm still figuring that out. It's different when I'm at school compared to when I'm home. Because at home, it's like, Olivia would be here.

[Melissa Allen]

It's in your face.

[Aubrey Ide]

It's in my face. And I'm like, oh, my God. When we're hanging out with friends, she's not here. And I think I'm still figuring that out for sure, but I think it's just reminding myself this is okay how I'm feeling. It's normal. She's not here. Giving myself those reminders, like I said, about the health and not taking things for granted, just, like, doing things kind of, like, to honor her, but also just to, like, be in her memory. And, like, me and Sophia and I do things all the time together. My younger sister and I do things together with Sophia. Like, those things kind of, like, ease my way into, like, the grief, because that. Those stuff would make Olivia happy.

[Melissa Allen]

You know where I'm going with all my questions? Because I was gonna say, what do you think, Liv? Like, Liv's looking down. What is she. What is she most proud of? Of. Of you and everyone. And what is she missing the most?

[Aubrey Ide]

I'd say what she's proud of is different, probably for each person that she's close with. I think, just in general, I'm sure she's so honored that the Live Like Live foundation was created. And I think helping other kids is something that she'd be proud of anybody. Even if it was just one small thing you did for people with pediatric cancer that would make her happy.

[Melissa Allen]

And with you, what is she most proud of? Of you think?

[Aubrey Ide]

I would say my relationship with Sophia. I think that was probably so hard for her to leave behind. And Sophia and I have always been close, but knowing that Sophia and I are even closer now and that I still do things with her and act as if an older sister, even though I will never compare myself to Olivia, because that is something Sophia will always have lost, knowing that Sofia can go to me and that I'm someone that will always be there for her. I think Olivia would be the most proud of me.

[Melissa Allen]

I saw, you know, Sofia's prom pictures, and I saw that you were there. Yeah, I'm sure of it. I'm sure that Liv is thrilled with your relationship with Sophia. You know, it's sometimes in these moments, right, like, you wish. Like, I wish I could sit here and be, like, in X amount of time, you will feel better. You know? You know as well as I do that's not true. But the thing is, and I do think this is true, is that you will always feel sad for what you guys don't have. Like, you will have your big moments, right? Whatever those are. Like, I don't know if you have a boyfriend now or not. Like, but you will meet people, and it will suck because they won't know Liv. And it sounds like there's these moments where you're already there. Like, just even, like, in the difference from when we talked last time. Like, you can find joy in the memories, and it's not the same, and it does not bring your person back, and it doesn't take away the hurt. But you can learn to live. You know, I talk about on the show all the time. Like, you can learn to live with two very different things being very true, right? Like, you can live with this big loss, but you can still have a big, full life, and you find ways in which she will be there. And whether it's in those moments when you're being a big sister to Sophia, you know, quote unquote, or whether it's rainbows or conversations or a good night's sleep or, like, whatever. Like, I love that good night's sleep story like that to me. So, like, yeah, whenever there's big moments, even all these years, I'm like, is Jake Watching, is he not, like. You know what I mean? I have this conversation in my head with, what does any of it mean? When I worry that he's not there or doesn't know. It's a silly worry because he let me know that he's there. She will always do that, I think, for you. And if Liv could hear you right now, what would you tell her?

[Aubrey Ide]

Oh, my God. Well, like you said, I'd hope that she's watching all the time and she knows what's new. Honestly, I wouldn't mention anything the last year. I would just, like, ask her for advice or something, because, like, that part recently has been really affecting me. So, like, I can't go to her now that I'm home. Like, oh, my God. Like, I wish I could just go talk to Olivia. So I think I was just like, any other conversation that we'd have.

[Melissa Allen]

You know, it's like I said, none of it gets easier, but it does, you know, I mean, like, it does. And I can see such a difference in you from the last time we spoke.

[Aubrey Ide]

That's good.

[Melissa Allen]

I find such joy. Cause I'm, like, in having these conversations and talking about our people.

[Aubrey Ide]

So do I.

[Melissa Allen]

Right.

[Aubrey Ide]

It makes you feel good.

[Melissa Allen]

Makes you feel good. Sometimes it feels good to let yourself be sad and give yourself the space and these conversations bring it up, and then it's. It feels good to have the memories.

[Aubrey Ide]

Too, and the comfort, like, understanding each other.

[Melissa Allen]

Absolutely.

[Aubrey Ide]

Yeah.

[Melissa Allen]

For those out there who are going through the same thing, for. For those out there who lost their best friend, what would you tell them?

[Aubrey Ide]

I would say that the grief will never go away. And I don't think it will ever shrink. But in the last year, especially for this time of my life where I am growing a lot, it goes with me, but it comes as I grow. It won't shrink for you ever, and it will never go away, but you will continue to grow, and it will be with you. But it can turn into positives. Like, we talked about, doing things that make the person that you lost proud. I would say continue to do those little things, because as much as it can hurt sometimes and you don't want to do it, at the end of the day, you know that that will give them comfort and that they're looking down on you and they're smiling.

[Melissa Allen]

I love that. Thank you so much for coming back on this show.

[Aubrey Ide]

Thanks for having me.

[Melissa Allen]

No, this was awesome.

[Aubrey Ide]

You totally did.

[Melissa Allen]

Thank you for listening to A Place of Yes. Please follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you really like this episode, please share it with a friend. It would make a world of difference if we could just reach more people and share the work that we do and the stories we want to tell. Thank you so much for watching.