982 | 7 Ways We Sabotage Ourselves and Make Life Harder

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Rachel Hollis Podcast

Episode 982 | "7 Ways We Sabotage Ourselves and Make Life Harder"

Host: Rachel Hollis
Date: July 13, 2026

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Main Theme

In this solo episode, Rachel Hollis dives deep into the self-inflicted ways we make life harder than it needs to be. With her signature blend of humor, candid storytelling, and tough love, Hollis breaks down seven core patterns of self-sabotage she’s seen in herself and others. She encourages listeners to recognize these areas, let go of destructive habits, and embrace more ease and joy in their lives.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Asking for Permission (03:40)

• Theme: Over-explaining, seeking others' approval, and wasting mental energy on justifying choices.

• Insight: Confidence means not feeling compelled to justify your decisions endlessly.

• Quote:

  “Nobody who is confident in their choices explains this much. Nobody. The most confident people you know do not explain things. They're like red, blue. Yes. Not right now.” (08:47)

• Reflection: Sometimes, seeking permission is procrastination in disguise—a way to delay making bold moves out of fear.

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2. Self-Sabotage (13:00)

• Theme: Habitual ways we delay or undermine our own progress—procrastination, avoiding commitment, or shifting projects when things get tough.

• Insight: Self-sabotage is often a symptom of unaddressed emotional issues, not just a lack of willpower.

• Quote:

  “Self-sabotage is anything that is creating more distance between where you are and where you want to be.” (13:46)

• Personal Example:
  Hollis shares her struggles with weight and yo-yo dieting, noting it wasn’t about the food, but unresolved emotional baggage.

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3. Spending Real Time on Fake Problems (19:12)

• Theme: Worrying obsessively about scenarios that haven’t happened, draining energy by keeping open loops in your mind.

• Insight: Our brains experience stress from unresolved issues, whether real or imaginary.

• Quote:

  “You are spending real time, of which you probably have very little, on fake problems.” (19:13)

• Advice:
  Have the difficult conversation, finish the thing, and close the loop.

  “The quality of our lives are often directly proportional to our willingness to have difficult conversations.” (21:03)

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4. Maintaining Relationships Because of History (24:53)

• Theme: Staying connected to friends/partners out of habit or guilt rather than joy or alignment.

• Insight: Longevity is not a virtue if the relationship is draining or unhealthy.

• Quote:

  “Are you maintaining a relationship because you have a long history with this person ... but no actual happiness?” (24:54) “You can't receive anything if your hands are full.” – Oprah, cited by Hollis (30:00)

• Reflection: Free up emotional space for new relationships by releasing old, unfulfilling ones—even if that means being alone for a while.

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5. Martyrdom & Perfectionism (31:00)

• Theme: Taking on everything; defining yourself through suffering and control.

• Insight: Being the family/friend/employee who ‘does it all’ can breed bitterness and is rarely sustainable or rewarded. Perfectionism often masks a need for safety/control.

• Quote:

  “You don't get a medal for carrying all the extra weight... there is no award ceremony.” (37:34)

• Advice:
  Other adults are responsible for themselves. Let go, delegate, or simply do less.

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6. Using Busyness as Armor (39:58)

• Theme: Staying excessively busy as a way to avoid facing uncomfortable emotions or truths.

• Insight: There’s a difference between productive ambition and frantic avoidance.

• Quote:

  “The busyness is your armor. ... When your schedule is so full... you never sit still long enough for anything real to come up.” (40:05)

• Reflection: If everything stopped and you had nothing to keep you “busy,” what feelings or realizations would surface?

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7. Believing Every Decision is Permanent (43:10)

• Theme: Paralysis from thinking that every choice is final, especially common in midlife.

• Insight: Most decisions aren’t forever—just do something, get momentum, and recalibrate as you go.

• Quote:

  “Most decisions aren't a life sentence. They are experiments.” (43:20) “If you are stuck and you're having a hard time making a choice, make any choice.” (43:48)

• Memorable Story:
  Hollis recounts signing a costly commercial lease just before COVID hit, investing hundreds of thousands in an office the team never used. Despite the ‘bad’ decision, life went on.

  “Did it end me? No.” (50:45)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You are giving the people in the cheap seats an expensive opinion in your life.” (11:45)
• “Sometimes that busyness is just you turning the volume up as high as it'll go so you don't have to listen to your own thoughts.” (41:11)
• “You are allowed to put things down. ... [They] are grown ass people.” (36:57)
• “Life is not supposed to be hard all the time. Sometimes it's baby groundhogs.” (37:22)
• “If you believe that life is hard and life sucks and the universe is out to get you and then you die—that's exactly what's going to happen.” (52:02)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:40] – Stop asking for permission and over-explaining
• [13:00] – Self-sabotage in different areas of life
• [19:12] – Spending real time on fake problems; closing open mental tabs
• [24:53] – Historical relationships vs. life-giving relationships
• [31:00] – Martyrdom, perfectionism, and the control trap
• [39:58] – Busyness as a form of emotional avoidance
• [43:10] – Decisions are not permanent; overcoming analysis paralysis
• [50:45] – Learning (and surviving) from costly mistakes

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Final Takeaways

Rachel ends with a reminder:

• Ease and flow are not just possible, but necessary.
• Check in with yourself regularly—if life feels like a slog for months or years, change is overdue.
• You are not supposed to suffer continuously, nor are you meant to shoulder everything alone.

“You are supposed to have moments of ease, you are supposed to have moments of flow, and we need to lean in the direction of that thing, and we need to believe that that's what we're supposed to be in so that we aim for it.” (51:38)

Call to Action:
If today’s episode resonated, share it with a friend. You’re not alone in finding life hard—but you don’t have to keep it that way.

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For more wisdom, encouragement, and honest conversation, catch new episodes of The Rachel Hollis Podcast every week.

Transcript

[Rachel Hollis]

This episode is brought to you by Peacock and the new original series the Five Star Weekend. Jennifer Garner stars as Hollis Shaw, a famed cook who invites her best friends to Nantucket after a devastating loss changes her life. Based on the best selling novel by Ellen Hildebrand, this a list ensemble also stars Darcy Cardin, Gemma Chan, Regina hall and Chloe Sevigny. The five Star Weekend is now streaming only only on Peacock.

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[Rachel Hollis]

I have a friend and she has given me permission to tell this story but I am not going to use her name. So we will protect her identity. But she called me up a few months ago to vent and she's telling me all about her week, right? Like all the things that she's doing, all the things she still needs to do. Like any working mama, she's managing everyone's schedule and she's finishing up her own work and she's if we're being honest, she's also redoing work that she delegated to other people and then she's doing it again because it wasn't done the way she wanted it to be done. She was having an argument with a family member and just all the things right now add into that mix that she's around my age so hormones are involved, her sleep isn't perfect, she's feeling stretched kind of thin, she's running on fumes like cortisol, you name it, she's living it. Just like a lot of us. I'm listening to all of these things that she's telling me and then as she's explaining all of these things and talking about what still needs to be done and talking about what she should be doing right? Cuz we love to should all over our ourselves. As she's in the midst of all of this, she says something to the effect of I just don't understand why everything has to be so hard. Bless. Bless her. Bless me. Bless you. In case you need to hear this today, the reason that everything is so hard is because she is making it hard. I know, I know she did not want to hear that from me, but Part of being friends is being accountable. And because this was not the first time that the same friend had called to vent about this particular situation, this was a time for a little tough love. And in case you also need a little tough love, today we're going to dig into why life is so hard and how to make it easier. But if you're willing to dig into that conversation, then you have to be okay with the fact that life sometimes is really hard because we make it that way. And look, life will absolutely put things on all of our plates that make it difficult. Some seasons are more difficult than others. That's just part of being a human. But what I want to talk about today are the ways that we, without even realizing it, add a whole bunch of extra crap to our lives and expectations to our lives and things that we think we're supposed to be doing, and perfectionism and control freak tendencies. And all of these things make life way more intense than it needs to be. So if you feel like that right now, like, if you feel a bit overwhelmed, if you feel like life is so hard, let's you and I, okay, let's like your best friend Rach, your big sister Rach, let's you and I talk about some choices that you might be making that are actually making things harder than they need to be. And because I love a list, I've got seven of them. I'm pretty sure at least three of these are going to show up in your life. But I definitely have engaged in all seven of these at some point in my life. So just in case that's you, too, let's talk about it today and see if we can make things feel a bit lighter and a bit easier while still achieving all the things that we want to achieve that are necessary for the direction that we want to head. But let's just make sure we're not making this more complicated than it needs to be. So the friend that I was telling you about earlier, she is one of this smartest, most capable women I know, all right? Genuinely talented, incredibly hardworking, loves her people fiercely. She is absolutely, without question, doing too much. I said it. I said it. Okay? I said it. And in doing too much, she is making life harder than it needs to be. And the reason that I can say that with such confidence is because I have also been in her shoes. I have made my life way harder than it needs to be. And I have done too much as well. So some of what I'm gonna share today are lessons that I have learned the hard way. Before I get into all of the different ways that we might be making our lives a little harder than they need to be, I think that it's important to acknowledge that from the outside looking in, nobody's ever gonna slow down a high achiever, right? When you are high capacity, when you get everything done, when you are crushing it at work, crushing it at home, doing all the things, very few people will actually even check in with that kind of person and make sure they're okay. I remember someone said this to my husband a couple years ago, and it honestly hurt his feelings. He had met up with an old friend. They were, like, having a drink or something. They hadn't seen each other in a while. And the friend was telling him about all of these people that they used be friends with, like, what they were up to, how they were doing, what was going on. And Kez said something like, oh, my gosh, that's so crazy. Like, I haven't heard from any of them that. That it's so wild that, like, you know all these things, like, I haven't heard from any of them. And the friend looked at him and was like, you know, I'm sorry to say it, but you're the guy who has everything together. Like, you were the one who took care of all of us. You were the one who was the most, like, mature, the most grown up, the most. Okay. And when you are the one who has everything totally pulled together, people don't check in on you. Like, he was the one who checked in on everybody else, so that he wasn't actually checking in on those people. He just wouldn't hear from them anymore. And that's a whole other conversation about the kind of friend relationships we get into. But I'm curious how many of you can identify with that, that maybe you're not okay, and maybe you don't have a friend that you can call and vent to about how overwhelmed you feel, because from the outside looking in, everyone thinks you're crushing it. So it's just worth mentioning that. That we get praised for all of the things that we can do. It might not have even occurred to you that it's not supposed to be this hard and that you don't need to push this much and that life isn't supposed to be this all the time. All right, I've said my piece. Let's jump into the signs that you are potentially making life harder than you need to. Number one, you are still asking for permission. Yeah. You didn't think I was going to start with an Emotional one, but it's me. So let's just go right in for the jugular. This need for approval which requires us on some level to ask other people's permission. So this is something that happens subtly but also constantly. And you maybe are doing it in a bunch of different ways that you stopped even paying attention to. So here's what this looks like in practice. This is for my girls who over explain to everybody. I actually have a bad history of this. Like I give way too much context for things that people don't care about, which is an old sort of people pleasing, keep everyone happy. Is everyone okay? Like this need to explain yourself, but it can also show up as trying to justify every choice that you make. So you're justifying why you ordered that food at a restaurant or why you chose that particular outfit or what you're doing with your career. And a lot of times you're explaining to people who did not actually ask for an explanation. Right? Like they don't care why you did that thing. But you share an idea with someone and for whatever reason maybe they don't respond the way that you want them to. And then you make that mean something and you start walking your idea back, right? You're like, oh, that's probably not a good. Oh, you know what? Yeah, so maybe it wasn't a thing. I was just thinking out loud. Like, nevermind. When you make a decision that you feel good about, but then you spend the next week mentally defending the decision or the idea to a bunch of imaginary judges. Like people have not even had a conversation with you about it, but you are thinking it through in your mind. You are wasting so much mental energy on something that is from your imagination. And here's an interesting perspective on this. If you've never considered it before. Nobody who is confident in their choices explains this much. Nobody. The most confident people you know do not explain things. They're like red, blue. Yes. Not right now. They don't over explain. And every single time that you've sort of got to reach into your bag and like try and rifle through everything and explain why you're doing one thing versus another. And it is absolutely destroying your momentum in this thing that you're trying to build. You are making it way harder than it needs to be. Stop asking for permission. You don't need their permission and you don't need their buy in. And I would almost wonder if on some level we do this. Let me like challenge this to myself in my earlier career and if on some level we go into this whole spiral about needing permission and approval because on some level that allows us to procrastinate. And the procrastination feels safe because if we procrastinate, then we don't actually have to do the thing. We don't actually have to chase the dream. We don't actually have to put ourselves in positions where we might be hurt. Like, I know this is like a whole onion layer, but I can see times in my past where I would try and get other people to buy into the dream because I thought, well, like if they buy in, then I'm going to feel safer, right? I'm going to feel safer in trying to do this crazy thing. But then you spend all of this little amount of energy that you have, you spend all of it trying to convince the people in the cheap space seats that you deserve to play in the game, right? You're giving the people in the cheap seats an expensive opinion in your life. And there's all these layers to why we do it. We don't need to have a full therapy session today, but at the very least, will you just kind of sit in this thought? Whenever you try and get their permission, whether consciously or unconsciously, you are spending too much energy. We want life to be easier. We want life to move in a flow state, to be more vibey, more go with it, more things clicking in place, more synchronicities. We want all of that for ourselves. So challenge yourself to catch it when you're, when you're over explaining, when you're trying to get their buy in, when you're trying to get their approval. All right, the second thing that you might be doing that's making life harder than it needs to be is you keep self sabotaging. You keep self sabotaging. Yeah, this one's a little bit heavy because honestly, if we all knew how to flip the switch and shut off that self sabotage, we would have done it a long time ago, right? But let's talk about it. Let's have the courage to talk about it and let's see if maybe something clicks in place for you today. Self sabotage is anything that is creating more distance between where you are and where you want to be. So that can be procrastination, like we talked about. That can be self medicating, numbing out. That can be constantly changing your plans, right? So you never have to fully commit to anything because you're always changing things up. That can be picking a fight with your new partner, right? When things start to feel like they're going well that can be, you know, is writing this book and I got about 40,000 words in and it felt too hard and so I changed to this book. And then guess what happens at 40,000 words in the next book. That's right. I want to change to a different book again. You keep changing the project because it's hard and you think the new project's gonna be easier. But on a deeper level, if you keep changing, you never actually have to finish the thing. You never have to know if the thing is good enough or not. This episode is brought to you by Peacock and the new original series the Five Star Weekend. Jennifer Garner stars as Hollis Shaw, a famed cook who invites her best friends to Nantucket after a devastating loss changes her life. Victoria Based on the best selling novel by Ellen Hildebrand. This A list ensemble also stars Darcy Cardin, Gemma Chan, Regina hall and chloe Sevigny. The five star weekend is streaming July 9th only on Peacock.

[Hiker 1]

Awkward time to ask this, but hey, did you download the trail map?

[Hiker 2]

Yeah, no, I don't need to.

[Hiker 1]

I. I don't understand. You're trusting your signal out here?

[Hiker 2]

I'm trusting T Mobile. They have the best network and if we end up in bumtots nowhere, well we've got T Satellite for backup.

[Rachel Hollis]

Whoa.

[Hiker 1]

I don't trust my carrier that much.

[Hiker 2]

We'll just use your phone as a flashlight.

[T-Mobile Ad Voice 1]

With America's best network and T Satellite, we're keeping you connected in places you never thought possible. And if you switch today, you get free phones for zero down and only 25 bucks a month per line for four lines. Find out more@t mobile.com or visit your local store.

[T-Mobile Ad Voice 2]

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[Rachel Hollis]

I heard this question years ago which was kind of like meant to be a little controversial but I have always had it stick with me which was what is your preferred flavor of self sabotage? So I was like everybody has a handful of ways that they tend to self sabotage over and over. What's your Flavor. If you can identify those common saboteurs in your life, the things that you reach for over and over, even if it's subconscious, you begin to be better able at stopping them when they show up again. So for a really long time, one of the things that I was so desperate to figure out in my life was my health. And if you've never heard me say this before, I was about 50 pounds heavier for a long time in my adult life than I am today. And it took a really long time to understand what to do and how to take care of my body and how to lose that extra weight in a way that was healthy for me and in a way that I could actually maintain for the rest of my life instead of just, yo, yo, dieting. And I sabotage with food, oh, my gosh, you guys. One million times over and over and over. And I would try different diets, and I would try different things. And what I did not understand for a very long time was it wasn't about the food. If you're on a health journey like that and you are really struggling with it, and you've started and stopped again and again, it's not about the food. It's not about the diet. It's not. I wasn't 50 pounds overweight because I hadn't tried the right diet. You know, that's not what my problem was. I was 50 pounds overweight because there was a whole bunch of stuff that I had not dealt with emotionally that I was using food to help me cope with that. That's why self sabotage was a symptom of a much bigger thing that was going on underneath it. But if I add that to my list, to my, you know, favorite flavors of self sabotage, I can unpack it. I can understand why. I can go to therapy. I can learn new tools. I can read a book. There's, like, things I can do to take it on. But if I don't even realize that I'm self sabotaging, I will carry out the same forms in a bunch of different areas of my life, which means, at least for me, starting and stopping goals, personal and professional, over and over and over. And every single time, I fall off track, and every single time it doesn't work out, I beat myself up and I feel shame. And I tell myself, well, that's just, you know, that's something that's just not possible for me. I believe the lie that I'm not capable of change because I just keep falling into these same patterns. All right, number three, the third sign that you are making life harder than it needs to be. Listen to Mama. You are spending real time on fake problems. You are spending real time, of which you probably have very little on fake problems. Do me a favor. I want you to think about the last three days, the last three days of your life. And I want you to think about something that you have put significant mental energy into in the last three days. And I want you to look for something that is not like, an item on your results list. It's not something you think that you need to do. I want you to imagine something that you have worried about in the last three days. A conversation, a scenario. Is she mad at me? Is he mad at me? Are they judging me? Something that you have made up in your mind that hasn't actually happened. The thing hasn't happened. Nobody said anything to you. Nobody did anything to you. You decided sometimes with incredible creativity. And maybe you should be a writer, because the creativity and the imagination and the attention to detail in the stories you have told yourself are amazing. Your mind has rehearsed a difficult conversation that you need to have and haven't had yet. And have you read any of those studies? Probably not, because I'm the only one. That's not true. Maybe there's, like, three of you who also read weird studies like I do, but I was just reading a study about how one of the things that is most stressful to human beings is just not closing the thing, not ending the thing, not shutting the thing, not stopping the thing. That there's some, like, real. It's like, I'm making up numbers right now, but let's say it's something like three times more stress for anyone who essentially has, like, tabs open in their brain. And it's not even that the thing is that stressful. It's just that your brain hates stuff that doesn't come to completion. So when you leave those things open, it ends up being way more stressful than it needs to be. And let's say it's something like you need to have a conversation with an employee at work about, you know, you need to give them some hard feedback. Or maybe you need to talk to your mom, or you need to go finally take those clothes to Goodwill that have been riding around in your trunk for months and months. We make the thing way bigger than it needs to be, which makes it way more stressful than it needs to be. And because we get scared of it, we don't finish it up. Your brain does not know the difference between the things that you are making up and what has actually happened. So if you combine the knowledge that, number one, you are stressing yourself out because based on your imagination, and number two, your stress will lower significantly if you just do the dang thing, then right now in your life, if you just have the courage to get those things done, to close those loops, to have those conversation, the quality of your life is going to be so much better. I think it's Tim Ferriss who has a quote that says, the quality of our lives are often directly proportional to our willingness to have difficult conversations. So are you spending your very real time and your very limited resources and energy on things that you just need to get done and stop making up in your own mind and just face in reality and call it good? Stop dragging the baggage around with you. Just get those suitcases open, unpack, do the laundry, put things away. Just get it done. You have faced way worse things, way scarier things, way more intense things than this crazy scenario you have made up in your mind. And it doesn't mean that it will be comfortable to tell your assistant that she's not doing a very good job. But you know what's way worse? Six months of not telling her that for various reasons. So, Jess, let's put on our big girl panties. Let's find a little courage, and let's face the thing. And I promise you, you are going to feel so much better if you start to create a system in your life where you just handle your stuff.

[Hiker 2]

All right?

[Rachel Hollis]

Fourth thing that you might be doing that is making your life harder than it needs to be. Maintaining relationships because of history, not because they make you happy. Ooh, someone needs to hear this today. Are you maintaining a relationship because you have a long history with this person or with these people, but no actual happiness with this person or these people? And I don't mean, like, oh, well, back in 2002, we were so close, and I love them so much. And, you know, it's been, you know, 24 years, and we don't really have anything in common. And I don't really like them, and I don't like who I become when I hang out with them, But I've just known them for so long. This is a scenario that I have heard so many times, especially from women. They will stay friends with people that they literally do not like, that they find so draining. They will be surrounded by energy vampires and too afraid to make a change because they have so much history. And don't even get me started on people who stay in romantic relationships that are completely dead on both sides. Neither of them is into it anymore. No passion, no joy, no life. But we've been together for 10 years or 15 years or 20 years. As if the amount of time that you are with someone is the litmus test on whether or not that relationship is actually giving you anything. What are you doing? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I am a recovering people pleaser. I spent most of my childhood learning that in order to be loved, I needed to make sure everybody liked me. And for some of us who have childhoods rooted in trauma, it goes way deeper than just being nice or just being kind or just being a good girl. And it becomes about this feeling of safety that is something I really had to learn to unlearn. And I can't imagine navigating my adult life, especially in the last 15 years, without the help of a therapist to guide me through that process. I remember going to therapy probably 10 or 15 years ago and thinking I was there to talk about stress or anxiety. But when we really uncovered the root cause of the stress and anxiety, it was about feeling like my in laws didn't like me. Sounds sort of frivolous and ridiculous, but for a lot of people that kind of thing can destroy our days. So I had to learn. And I really am so grateful for my therapist for guiding me through that process. If you have never considered all of the different ways that a therapist can help you navigate these sort of stigmas in your life, these things that you struggle with and don't really know a resolution for, you should check out Better Help. There is a reason that I have been partnered with them here on the show for years. Better Help is the number one online therapy. It's the world's largest therapy platform and you can find space to slow down and talk to someone who is just there for you. They have no idea or context about all the other people in your life. They're just helping you work through your stuff. You take a short questionnaire and it helps you to identify a therapist at Better Help that would work really well for you. And the great thing is if for some reason you try that therapist out and you don't totally dig them, that's cool. You can find another one really easily. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with Better Help. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com Rach that's better. H-E-L-P.com

[Hiker 1]

Awkward time to ask this, but hey, did you download the trail map?

[Hiker 2]

Yeah, no I don't need to.

[Hiker 1]

I don't understand. You're trusting your signal out here.

[Hiker 2]

I'm trusting T Mobile. They have the best network and if we end up in bumtots nowhere, well, we've got T Satellite for backup.

[Angie Hicks]

Whoa.

[Hiker 1]

I don't trust my carrier that much.

[Hiker 2]

We'll just use your phone as a flashlight.

[T-Mobile Ad Voice 1]

With America's best network and T Satellite, we're keeping you connected in places you never thought possible possible. And if you switch today, you get free phones for zero down and only 25 bucks a month per line for four lines. Find out more@t mobile.com or visit your local store.

[T-Mobile Ad Voice 2]

Best Mobile Network Based on analysis by Ooklab speed test intelligence data 2H 2025 with 24 monthly bill credits and 4 eligible port ins on essentials for well qualified customers with auto pay taxes, fees and 35 connection charge per line credits and imbalance too. If you pay off earlier, cancel contact US Finance Agreement example 299.99 Most Auto Edge 5G required T Satellite available with compatible device in most outdoor areas in the US where you can see the sky included with experience beyond or $10 a month. However, news monthly cancel anytime visit t mobile.com

[Rachel Hollis]

this kind of goes back to that same idea of you have this limited amount of time and energy. Do not spend it with people you don't like. And I'm not talking about throwing up middle fingers and you know, getting in a knife fight with someone. Like it doesn't have to be this big dramatic thing. Can you start to create some space? Can you start to say no to things? Can you start to push back? Can you start to look for new friends? Oprah had this great quote when she used to have her show back in the day. She said, you can't receive anything if your hands are full. And I'm wondering how many of you are wishing that you had a best friend, you're wishing that you had a loving partner, you're wishing that you had community or people who are into the same stuff as you. How many of you are wishing for those things? But your hands are full. Your hands are full with your friends from high school that you don't even like anyway. But you're like, yeah, but I've, you know, all my friend energy is given to these people. So of course you can't go find someone new and awesome. And look, I know that it is not easy to make new friends as an adult. I know that it is not easy to, you know, figure out how to date if you have been in a relationship for a long time. Like, there's all of these reasons why we stay here and stay stuck. But even if you don't want to find someone new, just don't be destroyed by your current relationships. Let's just start there. When I made the decision to get divorced, it was a long time ago. I genuinely, like, from the bottom of my soul, I did not think I would ever be married again. Ever. I did not make the decision to get divorced because I thought that I was going to go find some great new love. I'm so grateful that that is what God had planned for me. But I did not make the decision to get divorced because I thought there was something better out there. I made the decision to get divorced for various reasons, but in relation to this specific topic, I ju. I would. I would rather be alone. I would rather be alone than be in an unhealthy relationship. I would rather have no friends than have a bunch of friends who are using me, right? Or have a bunch of friends who are toxic or have a bunch of friends who are gossipy or have a bunch of friends who are not aligned with the person I am or the person I want to become. I'd rather be alone. I know not everybody is going to have the courage to make a choice like that, but if you're listening to this, and I say, like, who are you in a relationship with because of history, but not because they actually make you happy or because there's anything there, if someone immediately pops into your mind, I don't need to say more. You know, you know, what's up? You know, this was just your reminder. This was your friendly reminder from your pal Rage that you deserve more. All right, number five. The fifth thing that you might be doing that is making life harder than it needs to be. You are. How do I say this? Hold on. I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it with all the love in my heart. You have decided to be a martyr. You have decided that suffering is just the way life goes. Like, you have accepted that you are here to suffer. And it's supposed to be hard, and there's nothing you can do about it. This is for the person who is doing it all, carrying it all. You are the one who holds everything together for your family, for your friends, for your kids, to the point that that role has become your identity. And this is especially important for anybody who is in that role. And maybe nobody in your life would know this, but inside, in your heart, of hearts. You are bitter. You are bitter, Barbie. You are so pissed off that you are the one who has to do everything. But also because that has become your personality, you don't really see a way out of it. So you're like, well, this just, you know, this is what it is. It's just, it's hard to be a mom. Well, it's just hard to run a business. It's hard to do this, it's hard to do that. And simultaneously you also have this energy of like, well, I'll just do it. This is for my friends who call themselves perfectionists. But when we really boil it down, it's not perfectionism. It is the fact that you want to control everyone and everything around you because you think that if you can be in control of everyone and everything, then you can make sure everyone's safe. I think at some point in your life, you were in an environment where things felt out of your control. And so you started to control and started to try and make everything go exactly the way you wanted it to so that you could feel safe. That's like a basic level. And this goes all the way up to the people who are super manipulative of their family and friends, because in their mind, that manipulation is what keeps everyone safe. Anyone have a mother in law who's like that, just manipulating every single person in the family, controlling everyone's emotions, controlling the way everyone feels? Because aunt, she might not know this, and maybe you can't even know this because you're just dealing with the ramifications of her toxic energy. But at the very core level there, she feels out of control. She thinks that she knows best. And so for her to feel safe and to feel most safe about all the members of the family, she's going to try and control everybody. But this takes on a bunch of different forms. Whether it's the perfectionist, whether it's the martyr, whether it's bitter Barbie, whether it's the one who's like, I'll just do it. I'll do it right. This is not the way life is supposed to go. This is your gentle and loving reminder that life is not supposed to be hard all the time. Oh, guys, I have to tell you, this is so. I wish you could see out my window right now. This has nothing to do with being a martyr, but we have a family of groundhogs. You know, like Groundhog Day, like Punxsutawney Phil. We have this little like, knoll in our backyard and a mama groundhog had five groundhog babies. And every day they just play, like right outside my kitchen door and one of the babies just ran by. It was so cute. You can't even handle it. See, life is not supposed to be hard all the time. Sometimes it's baby ground talks. All right? But if you are going through life constantly taking on too much, constantly feeling like your role here is to suffer, you are going to unintentionally seek out experiences that line up with what think life is supposed to be. You are allowed to put things down. I don't know who needs to hear this, but they are a grown ass person. Yep. Whoever popped into your head right now, that's who I'm talking about. They are grown up. It is not your job to live life for them. It is not your job to make things okay. It is not your job to fix things. They are grown up. Starting today, you let them live their life. You go ahead and live yours. Also, maybe you need to get a little book called Codependent. No more classic iconic. Been around forever. Hugely helpful. Super, super helpful for me. Stop trying to do everything for everybody. You're not getting credit for carrying all the extra weight. Can we just be real? You don't get a medal for that. There is no award ceremony. Nobody is going to come and hand you a trophy because you did all the things for all the people entirely by yourself. Put something down. Put many things down. Stop assuming that it is all yours to take on. All right, Number six, things that might be making your life harder. You are so freaking busy. You are a busy bee. You're constantly going because nothing can hit a moving target. Right? The busyness is not just about getting things done. The busyness is your armor. All right? And I am never the friend that is going to tell you not to be ambitious. I love your ambition. That's why we're hanging out. You and I. We're the ambitious buddies, okay?

[SoFi Ad Voice]

We.

[Rachel Hollis]

We believe in big things. We are chasing big goals. That's not what I'm talking about. I love working hard to get where I want to go. I love building things. But there is a version of busy that has nothing to do with ambition and a version of busy that has nothing to do with taking care of your family. This is the version of busy that is not about goals. This is about avoidance. This is you using busyness as an armor. Because when your schedule is so full, when you got that to do list completely packed, when you've got a thousand plates in there, you keep adding more. When you never sit still long enough for anything real to come up. It's because you're trying to numb out. Some people numb out with alcohol, Some people numb out with weed. Some people numb out with pills or online shopping. And some people numb out by doing all the things. Because underneath all of those things are all the feelings that you don't want to process, right? It's the conversation that you don't want to have. It's the reality check that you don't want to look at. It's the big question in your life that you don't feel ready to take on. And being busy is the greatest hiding place, right? Because nobody argues with that. Nobody thinks that you're lazy. Nobody's telling you that you're not providing value because you're being productive and you're being responsible and you're likely needed by people around you. So you keep doing, doing all the things for all the people, but you're not being honest with yourself. Sometimes that busyness is just you turning the volume up as high as it'll go so you don't have to listen to your own thoughts, right? Because if things were turned down lower or if things slowed down, you would have to feel something. And for some of us, feeling that is way scarier than just staying busy. So this is not about productivity either. Like, I am the productivity queen. In fact, if you have not listened yet, if you were part of Premium Community and you have not yet listened to this month's deep dive class, please go check that out. Comes out the first Monday of every month. These are deep dive classes in both video and audio. There's a worksheet that goes with it. And this month was all about productivity. So you can go in and you find out how to be more productive from me. Productive queen. But know in advance that my version of productivity is about focus. It's about doing less, not doing everything. There are ways to get a ton done and to move closer to the person that you want to be. But it's not about the overwhelming schedule that never, never ends. So here's a question I want you to sit with on this one. If your schedule cleared tomorrow. Cleared tomorrow. In fact, let's take it a different direction. If you were given a year's sabbatical, someone pays all of your bills, your exact salary, whatever you need for the next year. And you don't have to do anything that's on your current schedule. And let's say you have like a week or two, you go on vacation. This is so nice. I don't have to do all these things. Let's go. Like, two months in, two months in, when you've done all the things and you've gone to the places and you've taken the time and you learned how to make sourdough, then what? What do you think would come up for you? Like, what would you have to finally look at if you had. If you didn't have anything else to distract you? You all right? Number seven. Number seven. The seventh sign that you might be making life way harder than it needs to be. You think every decision is permanent. You are treating every decision you've got to make like it is permanent. Women in midlife, especially, get trapped in here. We realize that we've got this whole second half left to go. We've got all these things to figure out and do. And so we overwhelm ourselves and freak ourselves out and get stuck in analysis paralysis because we're like, wait, what is the right choice? We agonize over a decision for months at a time. Or you just sort of make up this whole world where every single choice you're making is the end all, be all. Which means that sometimes people don't make a choice and at all. Guys, most decisions aren't a life sentence. They are experiments. Whenever I've gotten questions about analysis paralysis over the years, like, people are like, I just don't know what to do. I. I've been stuck here for two years. Like, should I move to another city? Should I get a different job? Should I. I'm going to tell you the same thing I have said to everybody every single time. It is the truth, even if you don't want to hear it, and even if you don't take my advice. If you are stuck and you're having a hard time making a choice, make any choice. Make any choice, any choice. Any movement, Even if it's 2 inches to the left, will create some energy in your body, some energy in your life, some vibration will get things going and moving and give you a different perspective from where you are today. Every single thing you decide to do. No disrespect, it is not that deep. It's not that deep. If you take the job, if you don't take the job, if you get that apartment, if you don't get this apartment, if you go on the date, if you sign up for the dating app, like, oh, my. Y' all think about how many things go over the last year or go back five years and think of some of the things that you were up to back then that did not matter. That actually don't have any bearing on your life right now. But how many things right now are you holding yourself back from because you think it's some big catastrophic decision? It really isn't. It really isn't. I'm gonna kind of go back to my first point, which is the procrastination makes you feel safe. So you're like, well, I just need to make the most perfect. There is no perfect decision. There is no perfect decision. In fact, even if you could make a perfect decision right now, today, something could happen a week from now that changes everything. In February of 2020, February of 2020, my business was massive. We had outgrown three different offices. We had 60 employees, insane cash flow, six Rise conferences on the docket. 2020 was about to be the biggest year ever. And In February of 2020, I signed a lease, five year lease on a massive warehouse for our new offices. That's not so crazy. You say that's not so crazy because it's just a lease and eventually you could get out of it. You're right. But what I didn't tell you is that I also signed the paperwork to have that office completely redone. Imagine a giant warehouse, nothing in it. And we went into construction, turning that giant warehouse with nothing in it into a state of the art, phenomenal, beautiful office space for our entire team of 60 people. And then, because who knew what was happening for months, even in lockdown, it was like, oh, well, this is only gonna last a couple weeks and eventually we'll come back to the office. And we'd never worked from home before, so we didn't even know that was possible. And so we just kept right on truck. And I remember that the team who was doing the construction came to us. They were so scared. They were like, are you gonna cancel the order? And they were so scared because obviously they didn't know what was gonna happen to their business. And I felt so nervous and so bad for them that I was like, no, of course not. Like, everything staying the same. You know, just keep on trucking right. Now, the irony was, do you remember during the pandemic, one of the biggest things that happened, everyone was at home. So everyone started doing construction on their homes. The guy who owned that construction company ended up having like the three greatest years of his career, like his business, like 10x. But I had stayed inside of that commitment to have this whole beautiful office built out, guys, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars. Okay. I stayed in that commitment because I didn't want Him. I didn't want to back out on my word, and I didn't want anything to happen to his business. So I was like, well, of course we will still do this. It took a year. We spent hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars and in that year had to lay off 60 employees or maybe like 55 employees. So I spent so much money on an office we never used and invested into someone else's building. I didn't own that building. So I made these insane improvements to someone else's building to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. We never used the space. What a devastation. We're never getting that money back. And I'm looking out the window and there's a baby groundhog. I'm fine. I'm fine. Do I wish that I still had that money? Do I wish I had made a better decision? Yes. Was that massive decision, Very expensive decision in my business. Did it end me? No.

[Angie Hicks]

No.

[Rachel Hollis]

I've made mistakes like that so many times. And as long as you understand, as long as you decide in advance that you are not going to let any single decision be the thing that destroys you, then it won't. It won't. Not every choice you make is going to be permanent. Sometimes it's just the best decision you can make with the facts that you have right now. Stop holding yourself back from where you might go or where you want to be because of fear. Life is not supposed to be hard all the time. It is not supposed to feel like a slog all the time. Right. It is not supposed to overwhelm you all the time. Are there seasons? Yes. But if you have been living six months, a year, two years, three years, and you just feel like God is so hard, it is so intense, babe, something needs to change. You need to take a deeper look at what is going on. Maybe it's somewhere on the list of things I said today. Maybe it's not at all. Maybe it's something else entirely. But if you take nothing else away from this conversation today, take away that, you are supposed to have moments of ease, you are supposed to have moments of flow, and we need to lean in the direction of that thing, and we need to believe that that's what we're supposed to be in so that we aim for it. If you believe that life is hard and life sucks and the universe is out to get you and then you die, that's exactly what's going to happen. And if you believe that people are good and there is hope and you have faith and things get better, you will find that too. I hope you found this helpful. And I hope that if you're still here and you're still listening and you dug this episode, you will consider texting a friend and telling them send them the link for this episode and just be like, hey girl, this one really did it for me. I hope it does it for you too. But either way, we will be back soon with another episode and we hope you'll join us for that one too. I'll be back soon. Until then, as always, I love you and I'm rooting for you. The rachel hollis podcast is produced by me, rachel hollis. It's edited by andrew weller and jack noble.

[Capella University Ad Voice]

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[Rachel Hollis]

Stop now.

[Capella University Ad Voice]

Not a chance. At Capella University, we help you catch what you're chasing because you've always had the drive. Now go earn the degree. Capella University. What can't you do? Visit Capella Edu to learn more.

[Angie Hicks]

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co founder of angie, and one thing I've learned is that you buy a house, but you make it a home. Because with every fix, update and renovation, it becomes a little more your own. So you need all your jobs done well. For nearly 30 years, Angie has helped millions of homeowners hire skilled pros for the projects that matter, from plumbing to electrical roof repair to deck upgrades. So leave it to the pros who will get your jobs done well. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find a pro for your [e-mail].