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The following podcast is a dear media production, welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I wanna start a fire. I wanna start a. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are ya? Hope you're doing great. I feel like a bag of dicks today. Sorry to come out hard, but the PMSing is real. Got about six broken nails. I'm so bloated, I feel like a summertime watermelon, you know. Been dealing with some late onset adult cystic acne. Don't know where that came from. And I could bite somebody's head off right now. I forgot my lunch at home and I'm hungry. I did. I'm pissed. I forgot my lunch. I packed a lunch. You know, I made this nice little situation. A little beef lard bowl, some nice green beans, some homemade coconut rice. Was all excited to come to the office with my little Tupperware, my glass caraway home Tupperware, and I left it. I was so frazzled getting out the fucking front door that I left my lunch. And now I'm a raging bitch and I'm not ordering lunch. I'm gonna do this podcast and whiz home to eat my homemade meal. As a new homeowner, I've realized, turn the lights off. Jeff has screamed at me every three seconds. Now that we are fully on our own for covering everything in our house, we have become the cheapest motherfuckers you've ever met. I'm sitting outside, it is a hot summer night. Was working on a script. Was working on a script. That's all I can say. I'm writing this pilot and I'm sitting there and I've got the fan on and Jeff comes out and he turns the fan off. He's like, we can't run it. I'm like, what are we doing? Stop getting so paranoid. I'll start putting feet pics on the Internet. I said, can I at least have some cool air while the dogs lay on the nice cold floor? I mean, this man is swatting my hand as I reach to turn on a light. We are living our nights by candlelight because Jeff, it won't let me use any energy in the house. Unbelievable. So insane. I'm sorry I couldn't put on an eyelash for you today. I'm in a Wimbledon strawberry hat and new Pitbull merch, which I have to say, this T shirt is so great. But at the bottom it just says, says I'm back. Like he ever left, like Mr. Worldwide ever went away. He's just been slowly hovering and orbiting the atmosphere until he wanted to touch down to do an international tour. I mean, it's one of those days where even though I feel like there's a lot of fun things lined up and, and, and there's some stuff behind the scenes, hopefully. We're gonna announce the release date of the new special. I've been editing it, I've been writing this other show. I've been in the kitchen, I've been in the laboratory whipping up things. And then I get phone calls from the other side of the team that's like, you're not doing enough on this and this is not happening. And these numbers are down and this and that. And you're just like, fuck everyone. I'm in a fucking mood today. You know what I'm sounding off. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You know, they work you like a dog. And then you finally take off a little time and you still got things cooking in the kitchen. But then if you're not, if you're not keeping the 17 fucking ping pong balls of opportunity up in the air at every goddamn hour that you are awake, somebody else is pissed because then they have to justify their job. So a number's low on something else. And now I'm getting yelled at about that. But we should be excited about the next thing. It's called ebbs and flows, baby. Supply and demand. It happens. And I feel like in this day and age, if you're not actively posting clips on the interwebs where you are somehow trying to solve the assassination of Charlie Kirk, no one will see your shit. I didn't mean to take a dark turn, but that's how I feel. Unless I am actively with a tinfoil hat on trying to solve crimes with Candace Owens, you're not getting views on anything. It's unreal. Or if you're copying a Trend Online that 75 fucking thousand people have done. If I see one more person sit down with that fake. I don't know if you've seen this trend online. They're sitting down, like, sitting down to do my Netflix documentary about da da da da. Sitting down to do my Netflix documentary about opening a Pilates studio. Sitting down to record my Netflix documentary about the time I was kicked out of high school for smoking weed in the bathroom. Like, shut up. Either everybody just copies everybody else's shit or you gotta solve a high profile murder. That's all you can do right now on the Internet. Forget just being charming and funny and cunning. Unless you are actively putting up rage bait or copying everything else everybody else does. That's it, baby. You might as well pack up the lemonade stand and go back to showing your butthole online, because that's all they want to see. Wow. I am teed up right now. I can feel the egg about to drop. No, that would mean I was ovulating. I can feel, you know, I'm about to start shedding that uterine lining, and I am on a. I'm on a tear. I was on a tear the other day. I was PMSing, screaming at Jeff in the car over God knows what. He was like. We were having a simple conversation. I was like, yeah, I don't understand what it's like to be a woman. Just nuts. I need to keep the fans on full blast. I'm having a flash ass. Jeff's getting the brunt of it right now, and I don't care. And I'm usually a easy, pretty, even keeled pmser, but I am on one. I've had a couple zesty meetings in the last 24 hours, and I'll tell you right now, big dog's about to start barking back hard pivot. Did you see what Andrew Tate got arrested in? Looked like an outfit I would have worn to, I don't know, some sort of cotillion meeting. Not cotillion Andrew Tate. That piece of shit got arrested. And black capri pants, a loafer, and the tightest eggplant aubergine top I've ever seen. Should he have been arrested for violating every fashion police law? Yeah. And obviously the multitude of sins that he did before that. But, God, Lord, I just ask if for any reason I ever become one with the law, let me be in my pit bull T shirt. I love that people are dragging him online about his outfit that he got arrested in. I mean, douche Lord of the year. I don't want to say Lord, because I don't want to bring our Lord and Savior into this, but you know what I'm saying? I don't even know what I am dealing with right now, but I. We're dealing with something. I'm pissed. I left my lunch. I'm getting yelled at about the dumbest shit. And here I did. I woke here. I was waking up on the right side of the bed with my two little dogs in the bed, and my husband was being sweet. I had three cups of coffee, and I had a nice Gorgeous breakfast taco with grilled halloumi cheese, green onion crystals, hot sauce, and a delicious slice of bacon. And now I come to the office and it is bullshit. I'm on one. Okay, Another thing I would like to discuss while I'm on a tear right now. I was supposed to go to the World cup this weekend. I wake up on Saturday to catch my flight. There's like four flights in a row that they keep rebooking me on. They're all getting canceled due to inclement weather in New York. They're like, we cannot get you out now. Mind you, I have the highest status on Delta. I. I would jump the line before anybody. And they were like, honestly, we cannot get you out until like, midnight tonight because now everything is backed up and it's a ground stop at LaGuardia or in the morning. And that means I was going to miss getting to the event that was going to take me to the bus that was going to take me to the World Cup. It was just a domino effect. I was on standby for some of the other flights. But I'm saying, like, they're like, everything is now fucked up because a major airport like New York has been shut down. One minute it's sunny, the next minute it's tornado watch. And then it was just a full domino effect. So I call my agents. I'm like, hey, I know I'm supposed to go with this brand. I don't see how I'm gonna get out in time. I don't want somebody waiting around for me. I'd rather them give the ticket to somebody who's already up there, another person. Because I don't want to hold. Hold them up. Because as if I was a brand person, if I was waiting for somebody, I'd be pissed, too. Anyways, this brings me to another sense of summer travel etiquette. You and I both know if you live on the east coast, every day at 4:15 on the dot, there is a biblical, I'm talking Noah's Ark, flood type of rainstorm. The heavens open up, the children at tennis camp have to run for the hills. We are all fighting for our life not to get fully electrocuted. And I have seen witnessed with my own eyes attitudes towards gate agents who have nothing to do with the fucking weather. You can believe in chemtrails. You can believe that the. The Weather Company of America is manipulating the weather. But you know who's not doing it? The gate agent. What are they. What are they there to do? They are there to take Your ticket there to make sure that your name aligns with who is getting on the flight. They are there to, you know, salute the air marshals that are low key, slithering on like a snake. They are there to help you rebook, get a better seat, do what you got to do. They do the voodoo that they do so that everybody can get on that flight, see? Safely, soundly and uniformly. And some. I have seen some real assholes going up to gate agents when something is canceled or delayed due to weather. I'm going to tell you right now, you know, what you don't want to do is fly into the eye of the storm. And if you're one of those motherfuckers who wants to yell at a gate agent that your flight has been delayed because of weather, you deserve to get taken up in the twister. I hope that the cyclone hits your home. It is un fucking believable. Take it up. Take it up with the big dog upstairs. But summer showers apparently bring out attitudes to gate agents, and I don't like it. I really don't like that. I saw some zesty attitudes towards some folks who are unfortunately having to be the bearer of bad news, trying to rebook people. I mean, it was a clusterfuck all up the East Coast. It still is. I had a friend that was trying to fly out of New York on Saturday. Flight was canceled till Monday. Everyone's doing the best they can, but this is how it goes. Mid July to the middle of August, it's every day, every day a shitstorm. You may wake up with the sun, and 30 minutes later you're hugging onto a oak tree in your backyard, hoping the good Lord doesn't sweep you away with the wind. But people who get attitudes with gate agents out of something that they cannot control. You are like the lowest of the low. You shouldn't be able to vote. We should have you on record. You should have to stay, I don't know, 200 yards away from any elementary school because you clearly can't handle your business. And you should not be able to vote. I'm telling you right now. Really grinds my fucking gears. Okay? We gotta take it down. Let's have a sip of water. We gotta have. We gotta have a sip of water. What else is pissing me off? Let me tell you this right now. Oh, we're gonna get into the voicemails is what I really wanna do. But I'm on one today. Something else that pisses me off. I went and saw the Odyssey, the new Christopher Nolan movie based on obviously the Odyssey, Greek mythology, and the amount of people that have overnight become cinema critics is just hysterical to me. But the amount of people that have somehow turned, having a transgender actor, having a black woman in the movie, they have turned this into the most insane bullshit. Like the woke left. The woke left. Why is there a black woman playing Hound of Troy? Why is there a trans man playing one of the soldiers? It's Greek mythology. I don't know if any of y' all read the books or even if you see the movie. There's a go. There's a cyclops with one eye. There's a woman who turns men into pigs. It's mythical, it's magical, it's made up. It's not real. It's not real. There are grown men reporting live from their basements being like, you know, this is not an accurate depiction of what would have happened in Greece back in 14 AD or whatever. It's folklore, there's storytelling. I didn't know how to tell you this, but it's not real. There are giants, there are goblins, there's Poseidon, there are sirens. And this isn't giving away the story. You're going to see it. It's a journey. It's all about how Matt Damon gets back to his kingdom. And guess what? There's a lot of bumps and twists and turns along the way. These guys are like, well, you know what? Greek people were technically white. I cannot believe there's a black woman as a representation of Greek mythology. She's an Oscar award winning actress and I'll tell you this right now, Charlize Theron, who's one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life, she is also in the movie, and I'm telling you right now, you know what's not accurate, is that she is sitting with that gorgeous Caucasian skin on this deserted beach in what looks like, I mean, the costuming is unbelievable. Some sort of like Poochie esque, I don't know, 1980s vintage outfit. And she didn't get a scathing sunburn. She's basically hiding herself under tree bark and a cheesecloth. And that Caucasian woman would have been taken up with the sun herself, would have spontaneously combusted. She still has perfect porcelain skin and is an angel on a deserted island. Yeah, yeah. Why aren't you upset about that? That bitch, if it was accurate, would have been blistered to all hell. Blistered, cancered up. You know what I'm saying? Can't, I can't deal with That I think because I have a baseball hat on today, I'm feeling even zestier. And I couldn't, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do the full face beat. We got a gloss and a tinted moisturizer. I'm sorry. And what's going to happen is my team's going to splice this up. It's going to get 14 views and somebody's going, who's this man yelling at me? Is this Tim Dillon's sister? I would be honored. I would be honored. We haven't even talked about Lindsey Graham's passing. Oh my God. When I saw the clip of the alleged male escort that hooked up with Lindsey Graham again, allegedly, who said that, you know, Lindsay had a lot of ladybugs on his back, kind I to this day talk about Lindsey Graham's ladybugs with everyone I know. With Raymond at least, I'm like, how are your ladybugs? He's like, they're good. That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. So that happened. Meanwhile, we don't know Mitch McConnell is that they have Weekend at Bernie him. Nothing about that photo of Mitch McConnell in the hospital bed next to his stunning, much younger Asian wife. Nothing about that red alive and well. Nothing about it. And we know, we know Mitch has not been, been doing great for a beat now. And the fact that he's still a policymaker is a little jarring. But we have Lindsey Graham, who, you know, never was married, never had children. A real independent woman, if you will. Talk about a feminist. Talk about a feminist. He passes. Which obviously somebody's getting on that case. And we still don't know where Mitch McConnell is posting a photo that is the most AI photo of him. Just, I mean, what are we doing? We have lost the plot. And then I got, I, I walk out of this movie, the Odyssey, which I loved. I thought the movie was fantastic. It's scary, it's thrilling. I thought the acting was phenomenal. You know, God forbid we just go and fucking enjoy something. The amount of critics of even just art online, it's insufferable. Art is all we have left. Art is all we have left, my darlings. Can we not just go see a summertime movie? Get a crisp Coke Zero from a fountain machine and add a bunch of extra vanilla syrup to it. Get a giant Monsantos GMO riddled large popcorn with just fake butter sauce just oozing through the bottom of the bucket. I want to stick my little pre diabetic fingers in the movie popcorn. And I want to then shove Junior Mints down the other side of my gullet. I want to suck on the red, red 40 dye that they've somehow put in this coke that wasn't even there before, but because I added so many fun syrups that it's going to give me a migraine halfway through the opening credits and just enjoy the fucking movie. I hope, I hope Christopher Nolan wins everything. I thought it was great. And you know how hard it is to get people to pay attention for three fucking hours because we're all so fucking stupid. We are so dumb. I have gotten so dumb. I'm forgetting my friends names. And then I get prompted with the video the other day. That's like the three drinks that you're drinking that are absolutely giving you dementia. And I'm like, yep, that's me. Whatever happened to just enjoying the thing? Oh my God, it's so insufferable. And I love to be a judgmental bitch, but you know what? I'm judging the housewives. People that have signed up to be judged. We need to talk about Resort Pass because I feel like I've really unlocked something huge major, okay? And I know that we're always talking about, you know, how you feel, how it feels when you give yourself permission to really finally rest or take that vacation. But guess what? Summer's winding down and we don't have all the time in the world, okay? Some of us have to get back to work. Well, this year we're changing that because Resort Pass is making it easy for the US to actually take the time. Here's the concept. Resort Pass gives you access to luxury hotels, pools, spas and cabanas for the day. Resort Pass means no overnight stay, no membership. You just book it. And passes start at $25 and then your poolside for the day. So maybe you have that extra day off or you get a Monday off and you decide, I don't have time to like travel and stay somewhere overnight. Well, you can do for the day, which is incredible. There's no more needing to book an overnight stay or having to go to a loud day party just to enjoy a pool with a great view. This makes taking a much needed and much deserved break so incredibly easy. I'm honestly thinking about all the ways that I can use it this summer. I can take girlfriends out to some nice resorts. There's great places in Atlanta. We can go have a spa day, live, laugh, love and do our damn thing. And it's all made possible with Resort Pass. And I have three hours and I know I need to be somewhere that is not my house kind of day, which is most of my girlfriends. I'm like hi, what can we do? What can we do? Let's get the hell out of the house and away from the children. It takes no more than five minutes to book and they even have same day booking. So if you wake up and you're feeling frisky, get at it. Go to resortpass.com absolutely and use code absolutely for 20 off your first booking of a hundred dollars or more. Again, that's resortpass.com absolutely code absolutely resort Pass. The day is yours if there are two words in the English language I was practically begging someone to combine. Well, it was THC and that's right, THC Rose. And guess what? I have great news. The team at Silent Flower was spartan enough to listen to my inner monologue and launch one earlier this year, Silent Flower created a non alcoholic thc. It's a crisp drinking substitute for an alcoholic version. It's nice and dry and not too sweet, has rapid onset so you'll feel the uplift in around 20 minutes with the effect similar to your favorite glass of it's made from California Chardonnay and Cabernet grapes. It's all natural with no stevia or other artificial sweeteners. It's also non alcoholic with the perfect amount of thc. It pairs especially well with friends, the pool, and those afternoons when I'm feeling especially golf widowed. Just 35 calories, less than half the amount in a glass of traditional alcoholic rose. And it's legal to ship to most states under the 2018 US farm bill so you can get it wherever you are. Baby. That's what I love. I I truly not to mention because it's on alcoholic so I can have a great time in my martini room and sleep like one of those annoying life hackers who gets eight hours of sleep every night. Because you know, I told you when I drink wine that has alcohol in it like I am up, I'm zip zap zopping around. It gives me restless leg syndrome. Next thing you know I'm doing zoomies around my house cleaning the baseboards and that's not what I want to be doing. Visit drinksilentflower.com golf-widow and use code absolutely at checkout for 15% off your first order. That's drink silentflower.com golf g o l f-widow w I d o w and use code absolutely at checkout for fifteen percent off and definitely follow them On Instagram at Drink Silent Flower. Their content is fucking great. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. And whether you're just starting out or you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Squarespace is the creme de la creme. Been using it for years. Have worked with them since the inception of this podcast. I love Squarespace. I created websites with Squarespace. I created my mom's website with Squarespace. Just make it make sense. This is why I'm loyal to Squarespace, because it just works. So if you're sitting down and you're wanting to really up the ante with a online presentation, an online presence for your business, why would you not use Squarespace? Have that in your back pocket? Help them help you. I always say work smarter, not harder. And that's why I love Squarespace. Here's the deal. It doesn't matter if you have a massage business, if you are starting a charity, if you need to take donations. If you want to set up a business where you take online appointments, you can do it all through their interface. They just make it so easy. Also, I love the interaction that you have on Squarespace. You can set up your videos, you can showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. It's perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. I probably should have followed my specials through the paywall, through the Squarespace. Squarespace is awesome and you're going to love it. They have cutting edge AI design technology. They offer just a multitude of services and I really think you're going to love it. Here's what you got to do. Okay, it's very, very easy. You're going to create your website, but when you are ready, you're going to head to squarespace.com absolutely for a free trial. And then when you're ready to launch, use code absolutely to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's absolutely. And you're going to go to squarespace.com Absolutely. Quince, Quince, quince, quince. I could write a haiku about you about how much I use, shop and love quints. I just got their 100% European linen duvet covers. I got king size shams I got a velvet bolster pillow. Is that what they're called? I think it's called a bolster. I bought a couch. I bought table linens from quints. I have bought cutlery from quints. I don't know what to tell you. I bought rugs from quints. I bought couches from quints, chairs from quints, towels from quints. If you name it, your girls put it in. Her new house is from Quinn's. They have the best shit ever. The denim is soft, it's comfortable. Their organic cotton sweaters are perfect for layering when evenings cool down. They have 14 karat gold jewelry. And you're probably wondering, Heather, how do they have all these things? Well, here is the deal. Quinn is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands and they work directly with ethical factories to cut out the middleman. So you're only paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. So yeah, it doesn't have a giant label all over it, but what do you need? What do you care? Who gives a shit? You want top quality and you want it at a great price. Make your summer wardrobe feel easier. You can go to quince.com absolutely for free shipping on your orders and 365 day returns. It's now available in Canada too. So if you're north of north of me, you can try it. That's q u ice n c e q u I n c e dot com absolutely. For free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com absolutely. Again, that's quince.com absolutely. Now back to the podcast. Oh my God. I thought the movie was great. It's cinematic, it's amazing. I also heard somebody else say, you know, I can't believe that they used English accents or, you know, American dialect, American accents. Or I can't believe, you know, think they weren't speaking in a different language and that they use didn't use subtitles. You guys, we don't even read subtitles on 10 second Instagram Reels. And you think people are going to sit through three hours of subtitles? Let it lie where it lies. Thank you for not making me read subtitles. I also was so scared at some points I had to close my ears and cover my eyes under my sweatshirt. And yes, I wore my own merch to the movie theater. It was dark. No one judged. Does remind me of a time when we went to the movies. It was always a tradition when my dad was still alive, we'd go to the movies on Christmas and Thanksgiving, right? We would do our thing. We'd have a nice Christmas cocktail or a nice Thanksgiving cocktail. Have a late afternoon lunch and then we would go to a movie and just have the time of our lives. And we were walking out of American Hustle. I will never forget this walking out of American Hustle. It was absolutely packed. This is when, you know, this is before I'm aging myself. I don't know, 11 years ago, 12 years ago, before you could watch everything straight on demand. And we were walking outta the movie theater. We're in the very front and my dad tripped over, you know, it's dark, he trips over something. I don't know if it was like a loose Diet Coke rolling around a bucket of popcorn. Lightly trips, hit his knee. He's fine. He was a big guy. Now did it sound like a 747 was hitting the side of a building? It did. He hits a thud. Every one of our neighbors is in this movie. And my mom screams, kyle.
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Kyle.
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Kyle, are you okay? And then all of my dad's golfing buddies who are in the movie are like, Kyle. I thought my dad was going to crawl into, into the rafters of the movie theater and try and rot himself dead. He was so mortifying. And I told my mom, like mom, you he. First of all, he tripped going up the stairs. That's a low hazard. That is. Statistically, tripping up the stairs is way, way less harmful to the body and the joints than tripping down the stairs. Had he fallen down the stairs, I too might have been like Kyle. The man was 275 pounds. He wasn't, he wasn't rolling up many, many steps. Now I understand there was a little precaution there because he'd had two knee replacements, but my dog was good. He popped right back up. He popped right back up in his khaki pants and his sensible Merrell soft sided shoe. Not a sandal. He had some sort of Merrell boot on. You know, where functionality meets comfortableness and sensibility. Go with me here. He was so adorable. And everybody leaving that theater just started screaming, Kyle. You know, it's funny, I ended up meeting Jennifer Lawrence years later. I don't think I ever told her that story. But core memory for me while my dad was alive was us walking out of that movie. Maybe if I meet Amy Adams, I'll tell her, I mean, unfucking believable. But whatever happened. And going to the, going to the movies in the summer is the fucking best. And especially when you know that thunderstorm, that midday thunderstorms rolling in. You're like, I'm going to a three hour movie. I might do a double feature. I'm off the fucking clock. School's out. I've been going to the movies with my friend's kids. What are we seeing? Moana 7. I'm ready to go. I'll pack the snacks. I'll bring my boat and tote. We'll put some, we'll put some drinks in there. I'm not gonna bring the cans. I'm gonna bring the, you know, I'm gonna bring a bottle. I don't like drinking out of a plastic bottle. But if I have to sneak snacks and we're doing one that's got a, a lighter fizz, a gentler, a gentler fizz. We're not trying to give ourselves away. One of my favorite snacks at the movies, Cheez its. Then you take peanut butter, specifically peanut butter. M and M's and popcorn. You put it all together, little savory, little sweet, a little umami. And get a giant Diet Coke or Coke Zero with the syrups in it. Bada bing, bada boom. If you're going keto, you know how many chomp sticks those meat sticks? I'm not a fan of those. They're fine. I've just never been a jerky person. You know how many chopsticks you could shove up a shirt? You could get. You could hit your protein goals during the odyssey. You have three hours. You could eat 750 grams of fucking raw meat. The excuses about going to the movie, I don't want to hear them. And then we got people picking apart the one thing that's bringing us joy right now, which is the Odyssey with fucking A list. Celebrities putting Lupita Nkos in it. That's not accurate. Shut the upper. Shut up. Oh my God. Shut it up. All right. Okay. I gotta get something to eat or I'm gonna burn this whole studio down. I'm not well, bitch. I am not well. Wow, perfect timing. Trace Watkins, who's one of my favorite people ever, just texted me, checking in, are you?
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Well?
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No, I'm not, bitch. I'm in a mood today. I'm in a mood today. Trace is one of my favorite people. I love him. Trace is just the best. Trice. I love him. Oh, Trice, if you hear this, I love you, baby. Okay, anywho, I, I gotta get, I gotta get positive. I, I don't even have anything funny to say right now because I'm actually just gonna start screaming at people. Between Jeff not Allowing me to do anything by artificial light. It all has to be by sunlight or candlelight. We've been fighting with dhl, trying to get something we ordered in Italy through. The tariffs are high. I got a little piece of art in Italy. I was excited about it. They're trying to shake us down. I've already paid the fucking tax on it. They returned it to Italy. Now they sent it back. Let a girl live. I'm telling you right now, I'm having a renaissance. We're getting art, we're getting creative. We're doing performance art. We're getting weird. I'll be in the next Christopher Nolan movie. I'm telling you right now. I'll play a statue. I'll play an alien. Hell, I'll play a part of the ship. I don't care. I need to be on set in Iceland somewhere with other people who get it. You know, I'm watching the bear. I'm thinking about getting a job at a restaurant just to feel alive again. Meanwhile, I got people barking at me. The numbers aren't up. The video numbers aren't up. What do you want? I've been editing a special and writing a pilot. God forbid a bitch takes three weeks off. Lay off me. I'm starving, okay? Anyways, a lot of good things happening on the other end of it. Tina and I were laughing. We were just on a zoom before this. And she's like, we're doing this, this, this, this, this, this. And we were laughing our asses off. It's like it's never fucking enough. All right, let's get to the voicemails, though. Cause I want to hear what you guys have been up to. I'm so sick of my own shit. I'm so sick of everybody on the Internet. So I want to hear what you guys have been up to. Cause I'm sure you probably sent me something absolutely insane. Here we go. Let's hit this one.
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Hi, this is Rachel from California. And I feel like an. Because I just only pitch $5 on a car wash. And as I'm leaving, I feel like. Like, do you ever not know how much to tip? And then you feel like a. And I don't like tipping. I like tipping because people deserve it. But I don't like to in general because it's, like, too vague. Like, you go for a whack. Like you're Googling. Like, how much do you tip? Like, you go to get your nails. Like, whatever. Like, I just don't understand the exact amount to tip. And sometimes I'M in a situation where I don't really feel it. Like, I don't know. And now I feel really bad that I only tip $5. So I'm trying to make myself feel better by saying, you know, some people don't tip at all, but, like, am I an asshole? Thank you.
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A
Okay, right out the gate, you're not an asshole, because you actually care and you. You have empathy and you want to do the right thing. You're not an asshole. $5 is still $5. Okay? As somebody who worked in the service industry forever, obviously I'm a try to be a very gracious tipper because I've worked those jobs. I worked in restaurants for years, bartending, serving, all of the jobs I have done it. I worked in hospitality situations where you're making reservations for people, you're concierge, all of it. A tip goes. I still think any tip is better than no tip. Like, tip it. Obviously, this is not. This is a different situation. If you can slide everybody five bucks for a car wash. I mean, how much was the car wash usually? I like to think it's 20% across the board. When I go get my car wash, I think the whole thing is like 45 bucks. And I bring an extra. There's usually three guys who are shamming, shamwowing it down. So try and at least have like five or ten bucks for each. But again, you gotta filter that in, dude. You know where I'm really getting shaken down right now is my nail salon. I have a new nail salon, and I love it. Fantastic. They do a great job. My nails are just busted right now because I was doing. I was. I was doing some manual labor yesterday. So I'm going to get my nails done after this. Let me tell you what. There is this baddie, baddie. And I say this with all the love of my heart. She's such a baddie. Because I'm the easiest person to get got at a nail salon. And I don't mean in the sense of, like, if you don't like the color, you can't speak up. Now I'll speak up, but when. When they come around, there is a baddie. This woman's gotta be in like, her. I mean, she is Asian, and you know, Asian people do not age. She looks fantastic. The skin is glowing. She has enough fermented foods and just. Just absolutely polyphenols in a great way. And amino acids coursing through her body because she's clearly on a great diet. I like to call her Asian Liza Minnelli. She walks around in a pair of black capri pants, very similar to what Andrew Tate wore when he got arrested. Actually, she's had on black capri pants, a nice little kitten heel. She has very short, kind of black, curly hair and usually has a nice little three quarter sleeve top on. It's fitted. She's got a great figure. So to me, she is absolutely Asian Liza Minnelli. And she comes over and she does the best shoulder massage. So I'm already getting the SNS dip. We already know that's going to pricey. Get pricey. I'm doing some sort of gel pedicure, and I'm tipping everybody. And now when I close out, you always see a separate bill for each thing. It's not just like, hey, your total is this. And then I give, you know, I give 20% off that total, which it all kind of works out in the end. But now I feel like if I'm not handing a $20 to each person, this woman's done 30 minutes on the shoulders. I'm getting SNS on the front. I got my toes. If I'm not doing 20 dol. 20 bucks for each person, I'm getting blackballed from the nail salon. And I know they're down there shaving these hoofs, but it has kind of gotten a little crazy at the nail salons. And they see me walking in, they're like, we're gonna ask about the eyebrows, which need to be done. We're gonna ask if she wants an extra soak on the bunions. I'm getting the extra callus remover. Next thing you know, my gel or even regular pedicure is somehow like $275. And I. And I love that we are keeping up with the times because people barely have cash on them these days. I mean, shit, you can't even go to a sweet green and throw a 20 at them. If you want a fricking bowl with quinoa on it, everything's cashless. And how quick they are to scan that QR code for the Venmo, I mean, that's good for them, you know? And the next thing I know, everybody's gotten 75 extra dollars out of me. I walk out of there. I go, my God, I'm fucking broke. Jeff's gonna be yelling at me about keeping the lights on. It's either we eat by candlelight or I can get my nails done. My queen, though. I love my queen at the nail salon, she sees me coming every time. I'm a Little disheveled. I look a mess, you know, And I'm always going in there with the dogs barking. They can hear my Birkenstock little plastic sandals just squeaking from around the bend. I cross the Publix. I come around the corner next to the good chicken tender spot, and they see me walking in and they're like, oh, yeah, we're about to make our rent money. Bring out the big tools. I'm a sucker every time. I can't just go in there and not have sweet Asian Liza Minnelli rub me down. The shoulder rubs are good. If I'm in here, I'm the easiest person to really find an excuse to luxuriate and relax. So one stop shop. But yeah, everything's just gotten so much more exponentially expensive. It is confusing. Obviously, anything service based, whether you're getting a facial, whether you get your hair done. I'm always tipping 20% and up because there's, you know, you don't want to piss off your nail lady, your fucking hair gal, and the person who's extracting blackheads out of your face. That's three people you never wanted to piss off. Never. The bitch who can quickly throw acid on your forehead and slap you around a little bit and put a hot towel that's either going to leave you glowing or with a stage three sunburn. Don't piss her off. Give her 20%. You know, just. Just do what you got to do. And I do very much so feel. If you're going to a restaurant and you can't give, you're not going to give the right amount of tip, then don't go to the restaurant. Now, I told you about the time I was at the Charlotte airport and I had to order a coffee on a kiosk on a tablet. Never once had a human interaction. But then it wanted me to tip as well. And it started at 20%. It was like 20%, 25%, 30%. And I'm like, who am I tipping? The robots? No, I never saw a human. I don't know if the humans were making the coffees in the back, but I walked away very confused. We were on tour and I think I asked Ray, I was like, ray, did you tip the robot? I'm so confused. He's like, I didn't see a human. That kind of shit. I will walk away and I guarantee there's cameras. And then when the robots take over everything, they're going to come find me. And like, yeah, well, you didn't tip Darby. And I'm like, who the fuck's Darby? They're like the Charlotte airport robot who made your shitty iced latte and she's coming for revenge. And then she pulls out a semi automatic weapon and my house is gone. That's probably what's going to happen in the next Christopher Nolan movie called Darby Cannot Wait to be in it. Tipping culture is tough. I also think it is also okay to ask the taboo question. And I always just say, hey, I'm sorry if this is taboo. I'm sorry if this is like, if I'm kind of embarrassing myself right now. Am I supposed to tip? Is this a service based. Just ask. Just ask. Jen and I are in the thick of editing the special, which by the way, is so fucking good. And I'm so, so, so excited about this special. I'm. We're, we're waiting on some big news this week, so fingers crossed. Here I am yelling at everybody, but things are actually good. That's the thing is when you, when you feel like you are firing on all cylinders and then you have people being like this, this, this, this, that you're like, guys, can we focus on the positive? Hate to be a glass half full bitch right now, but it is summertime. Can I have a glass of white wine? And everybody calm down. My God. Jen and I are working on a script where we just sent in the, the cut of the special. We're fingers crossed on that. So there's just a lot of exciting momentum. It's just thinking like, look at all the things I've accomplished. And then you wake up and you're like, oh, fuck, it's never enough. Never, never, never enough. Greatest showman. You know what I mean? And that's what my obituary is going to read. Here lies the greatest showman, Heather McMahon. Never, never, never enough. And they'll play that over and over at my funeral. Right? Isn't that the song? Never enough, Never for me. Okay, I gotta stop. Also speaking of greatest showman, watch Sing Song Blue with Kate Hudson and Hugh Jackman. Dark movie, loved it. Then did not see the twist and Turn. If you want to watch something where in the middle of the movie your mouth is just agape and you're like, huh? Wait, what just happened? Watch that movie. Dork sided. Dork sided. I did lean over during the Odyssey to Jeff and I said, baby, this is dork sided. And he looked at me and he goes, dork sided. It's scary. Great movie though. I want you to be honest. What does your dog eat for dinner? No, be really honest. Okay, finally, finally you can give them dog food that's real food. And some people feed their dog dog food, other people serve their dog dinner. I'm telling you right now, my dogs, when I say dinner, they come running from 10 miles away. Golden Child is a game changer.
- [44:04]
B
Okay.
- [44:04]
A
I thought I had found other good dog foods. No, no, no. Golden Child is the creme de la creme. It is chef crafted, vet nutritionist formulated dog food. That is a mouthful to say, but it's a good mouthful for your four legged foodies. When I say dinner and I pull out that Golden Child, the dogs are chomping at the bits and you can actually see everything in the bowl. Whole pieces of real meat, protein, fresh vegetables, blueberries and clean rice. This is not another ad that just shows you beautiful food and ships you brown mush. No, Golden Child actually delivers. They also have this insane Golden Child drizzle. It's functional and nutritional topper that you can put on any dog food for added flavor, variety and wellness support. They are unlike anything else in dog food. With ingredients known to support immunity, skin coat and joint health. The perfect finishing touch to any bowl. There are only 80 board certified veterinary nutritionists in the United States and Golden Child was formulated by one of them. Plus a culinary chef. Yes. For humans that have worked with Ina Garden and Guy Fieri. It's a nutritional science. Human grade ingredients and that's what we love. I really, you know, I worship the ground that rigatoni, macaroni and bronson walk on. And that's why if you're a foodie then your dogs should be foodies too. And of course that's why I take care of my dogs and I give them Golden Child. Here's the deal. Head to goldenchild.com absolutely. To save up to 20% off when you subscribe. That's my goldenchild. Let me say that again. My goldenchild.com Absolutely. For the most beautiful meal of the day for your pups. Again, it's chef crafted, vet nutritionist formulated dog food. And you're going to go to mygoldenchild.com Absolutely. What's in my cabinet of supplements? I'll tell you right now, it's neutral. If you've had hair thinning, shedding or just overall hair issues, you are going to love Nutrafol. You take four pills daily with a meal and it is clinically tested formula that. This is why I like it. Neutral is a number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand and it's the number one hair growth supplement Brand personally used by dermatologists. All right, there you have it. Nutri Falls hair growth supplements are peer reviewed, NSF certified for sport and clinically tested. And this is the number one reason I love it. Okay, well, not only because it's the number one recommended supplement through dermatologists and number one used, but also it's drug free, which is awesome. Okay? We are already throwing so many things down the hatch. You know what I want to make sure I'm using is something that's drug free. Okay. And let your hair be one less thing you have to worry about. You can see visibly thicker, stronger, faster growing hair in three to six months with Neutral Fall for a limited time. Neutral Fall is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you visit neutral fall.com and enter promo code. Absolutely not. That's nutrafol.com spelled n u t r a f o l dot com promo code. Absolutely not. One thing I love about Neutral Fall, this is also makes a great gift if you know somebody's postpartum, if you know that they are going through it, or if you just want to get like a girly gift basket. I throw in the Neutral Falls in there and all of my girlfriends are like, you know what? I was thinking about getting this for myself, but I'm so glad that you teed me up for it. And then they become obsessed with it and they love it. So again, all you have to do is check out Nutrafol by going to nutrafol.com and use promo code. Absolutely not. If you need a reset. If you feel like you have just pushed your body to the limits of summer and you need a reset, then you need to look at prolons and five day fasting mimicking diet. It makes it so easy to target fat loss, support lean muscle and reset your metabolism. You look and feel your best all summer long, y'. All. Fasting is in the Bible. Fasting is in every longevity institute. They say if you can get a good fasting, it can literally help with cell turnover. I do Prolon like once or twice a year. I obviously promote it on the podcast, but I used to promote it on Instagram. Like, oh, I'm on my fasting prolon. And then I just kind of kept it to myself. The days that you see that I am zipping around and I look like I'm glowing, it's probably cause I just did the five day Prolon fasting mimicking diet. And this is why it works, okay? Because it's a plant based nutrition program featuring soups, snacks and beverages designed to nurse the body, but it's keeping it in the fasting state. It triggers cellular rejuvenation and renewal. You feel insanely like energized, euphoric when you come off of it. It's just kind of insane. And here's the thing. It's developed over decades with USC's Longevity Institute and backed by top US medical centers, World Prolon has been shown to support biological age reduction, metabolic health, skin appearance, fat loss and muscle protection, energy and a healthier relationship with food. No matter the season. When I'm craving a real reset, Prolon is a nutrition program that works for me. It's convenient, it's backed by Nobel winning science and it works. Ready for your own reset? For a limited time you can use my hookup. Okay. Absolutely not. Listeners get 15% off site wide plus a 40 bonus gift. When you subscribe to their five day program. Just visit prolonlife.com Absolutely. That's P R O L O N l I f e.com Absolutely. To claim your 15% discount and your bonus gift. Prolonlife.com Absolutely. All right, let's get to the next to the next voicemail.
- [49:13]
B
Hey Heather, it's Rachel from Alabama. I am just laughing thinking about this good old boys club that you are in the comedy space and I totally get it. I am a pilot in the aviation industry so I know all about the good old boys club and I just your take on this with humor and I admire your intellect. It's honestly great. So keep telling jokes about it. Appreciate it. Love and light.
- [49:47]
A
K. Bye K. Bye. I don't even know what she's referencing. I feel like maybe there was an Instagram clip that went up. I feel like there's probably a clip that went up that my team sliced together that is from like eight years ago where I was probably in a mood but I don't even know. But yes, the good old boys club. We are all in it. Oh my God, are we in it? We're in it. And you know, I'm not a man hater. I said the other day I'm starting to like guys again in a way. But then you see the clips of these men talking about how the Odyssey is too woke and you're just like, oh my God, oh my God. Go out. Go out and grow some corn, sir. Do something to contribute to society. Now I you know what I love to hear a woman in aviation. That is a wild gang. Whenever I see a lady pilot on a flight, I salute And I go, aye, aye, captain. Whatever you need. Keep. Keep climbing and let's fly those friendly skies. You know, my mom was a gate agent. That's also probably why I am very defensive about gate agents. And I know Robin would have laid into people. Guys, if Robin was still working for the airline business, if she was still a gate agent and cell phones were around, she would have been sent to HR a thousand times. She would have been schooling everybody in their fucking outfits, getting on a flight, yelling at them about their footwear, screaming about them about bringing on too many bags. Robin would have been. I mean, it would have been. She would have been insufferable. And she'd either be the most revered, honored person on the planet, and they would have a statue of her out on a tarmac just to be like, she's our fearless leader. Or she would be canceled and locked up in a prison cell somewhere. Robyn didn't put up with shit in the airlines. But whenever we get on a flight, my mom still will turn to the flight attendant and be like, hi, My name's Robin McMahon. I worked for the airlines for 25 years. If there's anything you need, if there's an emergency, feel free to come to me. And they're like, ma', am, you have an active wrist brace on. She's like, I did have surgery. I. I tripped over, had this dog, and I broke my wrist. That shout out to Dr. Tara Bhagkar. He put me back together. I do have nuts and bolts in my wrists. I absolutely cannot open the emergency door. It's too heavy. But I am here in case, you know, you need. You need anything. Thank you. And they're like, ma', am, you're also weigh maybe like 98 pounds soaking weight. She's like, yes. And if for any reason, one of the windows opens up, I will be sucked out first. Even if you strap me in with the harness across my chest, I will be sucked up and taken to the Lord. But I'm here if there's an emergency. And they're like, ma', am, ma', am, are you okay? She's like, I cannot lift anything into the overhead bin. I cannot. I literally only came on here with an ipod, mini, no headphones. I plan on watching every video on speakerphone. And I am gonna ask for a full, full meal for a 35 minute flight. But I am here for an emergency. Flying with my mom is the most ridiculous thing. Cause I say, mom, you were a gate agent. You were never even a flight attendant. We gotta let this go. All you're gonna do is there's Karen's and then there's Robin's. It's two separate things. A Robin is a lot more aggressive than a Karen. And a Robin is not a justice warrior in the sense where she's just like the white woman trying to yell at you because you're different and you're doing something that she seems as suspicious. No, no, no, no, no. Robin will pop up at a time when you didn't even know there was justification needed to be had. Robin surprises me, and I think I'm kind of pulling a Robin today where when I finally barked up, people were like, oh, oh, she's got a backbone. When Robin gets zesty, you never see it coming. You never see it coming. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. And then bite you back to women in aviation, though, I can only imagine what it is like to deal with these guys at the airport. It truly is a good old boys club. My dad, who loved having daughters, okay, who was everybody who worked for my dad, loved, loved him. He was the best. But my dad started this thing called Pilots Country Club at a hangar at the airport because it was, like, where all the guys would hang that had sold their companies and retired and just wanted to sit around and dick around and talk about aviation and watch sports on a big screen. The absolute epitome of the good old boys club. There's so few women in aviation. Also, just throwing this out there, a great job. If you're in the market and don't know what you want to do, get into aviation. You can travel the world. There's very few pilots. They're always trying to recruit people to get into into aviation. If you're a woman, hell yeah. Keep climbing, bitch. Get those benefits and see the world on somebody else's dime. It's called become a pilot and also have a great life skill. And then when the aliens eventually come down and they're like, what are you good for? I'm going to tap dance. They're. They're doing an autopsy on me asap. They want to figure out what's going on in my ADHD brain. But maybe if you're a pilot, they'll say, come work for our, you know, our criminal enterprise. Can you learn how to fly a spaceship? And guess what? You might be one of the lucky ones. I'm just saying we all need a set of skills right now that's going to take us into the afterlife. So they're coming. You might want to have a skill that can actually keep you alive. And for the most part in comedy, like, I kind of do my own thing. But it is funny. Just how the good old boys club, everyone's got an opinion. All of these guys have an opinion about everything. They all help each other. And I've said this a lot, like, that's why women in comedy have to help each other. And we try. I try. I try. I really try. I really try. I mean, there, there's been other men who I've like, supported them when their shit comes out and then it's crickets when my shit comes out and I'm just like, I'm done, I'm done. And for the most part, I don't have any beef with anybody in comedy really. I mean, I'm like. Cause I do my own thing. I'm in Atlanta, I'm in Atlanta, I do my thing and then I pop in and I remind you that I'm good at my job and then I get the fuck out. Which is fun. It's fun to bounce out of there. But being in that good old boys club, I can only imagine the kind of shit she's having to see in the pilots pilot's lounge. Oh, yeah, and the nefarious things, the amount of other pilots that have probably done some diddling on the road, you know what I'm saying? Some extramarital things that you then have to keep your mouth shut on because you know you're gonna see Ms. Lisa at the Christmas party. Oh, the tangled webs we weave. Oh, God. The amount of secrets that 90% of women feel like that they have to keep for these fucking guys is probably insane. Like, I know what you did in Dallas, Daryl. Oh, I know. Yeah. Oh yeah, you were at the, the Hilton Vacation Club, getting real frisky by the swim up bar. But I'm not saying anything because either way it's not going to end well for me. You know what I mean? If you see something, say something. And sometimes as a woman in some of these situations, you're up shit's creek without a paddle. But then there's also a lot of great pilots out there. You know what videos I always cry at? Oh, my God. I saw a video the other day. I think it was an American Airlines pilot. He was taking his retirement flight and his daughter was taking like, she was also a pilot and she was gonna sit co captain with him. Oh my God, the videos of pilots taking their last flight. It's like, you know, a dog eating its last cheeseburger. And when they bring out the water cannons and the pilots are like, hey, this is Captain. Captain Don Miller. I've been flying with Delta Airlines for 65 years. I'm legally blind in both eyes. But let me tell you what, I'm taking my last flight. I started working for this airlines back in the day when we were only had crop dusters going from Tupelo, Mississippi, back to Vegas. And I'm so honored that today I'm actually flying my last flight. My family's on board. Brenda, step up. Brenda, stand up. Stand up. Wave. I got my three grown sons and my daughter, who's actually gonna be co captaining with me today. Come on out. Come on out, Tiff. Tiff comes out. She looks great in her uniform. He's like, so from the Miller family back to y'. All, thanks for flying Delta and keep climbing those friendly skies. And then he salutes, and then Tiff gets in the cockpit with him. You know what I mean? And then the whole plane is clapping and we're crying, and I'm like, that could have been me and my dad. But he's de. I cry at those idiots. I do love those. Oh, but I love seeing a female pilot. I love seeing a female ramp agent, gate agent, ticketing agent, tsa. If you're a woman in the workforce and any form of aviation, you know, it's even hotter seeing a lady in a pit crew in NASCAR Formula 1. Also love seeing that. Yeah, These boys. I don't even know what this lovely caller was referencing because I feel like there's so much shit of me online, I don't even know anymore. But I agree with her. She gets it, though. We get it. You get it, I get it. We all get it. We're doing the best we fucking can. Really are. Okay, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [59:37]
B
Hi, Heather. I'm calling. Left a few voice messages. Love you mean it. My absolutely not is. I was in the process of moving into our new rental house last week and had moved probably about 70% of our stuff into the house and drove by the house to take my son to swim lessons and came upon it inflamed with all of our belongings inside of it. Thankfully, we were not in the house, so we're safe. That is the silver lining blessing of it all. But, yeah, absolutely not to losing all of your things in the process of moving. If moving didn't already suck. I also lost my signed copy, my tour poster from you, and I'm very sad about that, but I love you so much. You bring so much light to my life. And I am sitting here sifting through my remaining belongings, and I thought, I need to self Heather this. She's gonna make me feel better. And I'm gonna go listen to your podcast because that always makes me smile. So thank you for being you. Thank you for making me smile in a not great time. But thank you to you and thank you to my community that has done so much for me to make this a much better situation for me and my kids and my husband. But love you mean it. Tiramisu bitch.
- [61:11]
A
Tiramisu bitch. Now I feel like a real asshole. I'm over here screaming about the Odyssey. Oh, God. That's all you need. You need one rental house fire to really humble you and bring you back down. Oh, listener, I'm so sorry that happened. I know Tina teed me up. She never tells me what's going to happen in the voicemails, but she said, hey, by the way, I know we're going to try and reach out to this gal. You'll hear it when you know it, and we'll try and obviously support you in any way we can. So please just bear with us while we try and get your information. But, God, I mean, listen. Thank God. Let's praise the Lord right out the bat. We are. We are not we. No one was injured. And I. I'm not here to tell you, like, oh, stuff is. Stuff it, dude. I'd be pissed. And if I. I'll send you another tour poster. My God, the least I can do. Hell, I'll send you a couple pairs of bra. A couple sweaty bras if you want them now. Okay, go with me. Here, Go with me. Is there any silver lining that it was the rental and not the full house? You know what I'm saying? The fact it was the rental and it wasn't. Like, I don't know if we were in the rental temporarily while the other house was being built or we just had the rental. Like, you know, it's a rental. Like, that's a little less overhead. I'm trying to be positive here. I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to be positive. I'm so sorry. Oh, God. I didn't want to end the podcast on a downer, but, hey, this is what we got to do. We got to quit listening to the noise. And when you have the good moments, have the fucking good moments and enjoy them and savor them and go outside and get a fucking ice cream today. Because the whole house could burn down tomorrow. If you got people barking in your Ear and telling you this and that. Just go out, get an ice cream and tell them the rental could burn down. Okay. Mike, is your rental still intact? It's not, so shut it. Oh, God. I mean, I knew so many. I don't even. I, like, this is what. What a. What a nightmare of a situation. Oh, God. I'm hoping that the other 25% of stuff was, like, the family heirlooms. Like, maybe the 75% of the stuff that you moved in was, you know, tchotchke, like my tour poster. But then you kept the good stuff at the old place. Oh, God, I'm hoping. I'm fingers crossed. What can I make you laugh about? I don't even know where to go from here, because now, because I left my lunch at home, my blood sugar has dipped so low, I'm really struggling. I'm trying to bring it back up. You know, I always like to end an Absolutely not episode on a positive. Maybe this is why people. Maybe this is why the viewership is low. Okay, you know what? Sorry that your house burned down, but can we. Do you know who assassinated Charlie Kirk? Because that's the only way we're going to get views. You get better. Get on it, bitch. Oh, okay. You had a tragedy in your family. Sorry. You're sharing your innermost feelings and being vulnerable by calling into the Absolutely not podcast at 800-213-7503. But do you know what happened to Charlie Kirk? You better figure it out. Doesn't it all feel so stupid and convoluted and insane? We can't even just giggle about the. The dumb shit anymore because it's never enough. And here we have an active listener, somebody who has come out to tour date, somebody who is a part of our community, who needs us right now. And I'm just praying. I'm praying the family heirlooms. We're at the other place. I mean, at this point, what are the family heirlooms? You know what I'm saying? I got maybe three button downs from my dad. You know, I plan on. God forbid, when Robin takes her last breath. I plan on stuffing her cryo freezing or putting her in a rocking chair in the corner with her iPad and a glass of red wine and a little recorder that every time I walk by it, there's a sensor on it, and Robin just goes, did you see what I found on the YouTubes? That's what I plan on doing. That's what I plan on doing. You know, but if we put her too close to the furnace she might light up in flames, too. You know the amount of Aquanet we'll have in that beehive. I mean, that's just a thing where you go, fuck. That is a motherfucking bummer. I am so sorry. We're going to figure out how to get in touch with you and try and support you in every way that we can. And obviously come out to new shows. We'll try and get you on the cruise, whatever we can do to. To brighten the spirits of your families. Because what a fucking nightmare. I mean, absolute nightmare. That's probably why. Listen, you know what? I'm. I know that this sucks for you, but this is what I might come back to, Jeff, when he keeps saying, you have to turn off the lights and light candles and say, no candles. We're not trying to have this place go up in flames. We just moved in. And guess what? We only have about 35% of our furniture and our belongings in that house. I'm going to tell him, no candles. I got to keep the lights on, Jeff, because everything else is a fire hazard. I can't believe you were just driving by. I mean, was anything salvageable? Oh, God. I need more answers. I need more answers. And meanwhile, I'm over here bitching about the dumbest shit. I'm. Now put my hat on backwards. I'm trying to be. I probably look like a. A teen boy who's trying to have a moment. I'm sweat through my pitbull T shirt. I know that as soon as I walk out of this office today, I'm gonna have about 10 missed phone calls of bullshit. And it's all dumb. It is all fixable, solvable things that we can figure out. Meanwhile, we got a listener here. We're lucky if she's got a clean pair of drawers left. We're gonna figure this out. I'm on it. I'm on the case. Because you know what? When you pay it forward, when you put good energy out back, it'll come back. So whether there's 13 people listening to this episode and a house cat, I don't care. Because hopefully somebody listened to an episode today and said, you know what? She's right. The world's wrong. Let's get an ice cream and shut the fuck up. Maybe it'd be better if I had a co host where I could just at somebody else and then they could call me a cunt. And then what we would do is we would clip that and that's what would go viral. And then it ended up on page six. Like Heather McMahon's co host calls her cunt. Viewership's up. No. I've loved having my intimate moments with you guys. I really have. Doing this and giggling and going through the voicemails brings me so much joy. I'd like to do an episode next week. We're going to start filtering in and peppering in all the other guest episodes that are coming up, but I would like to do an episode next week where we just hit the hotline with every voicemail call in 800-213-7503. From start to finish. I won't even talk about my bullshit. We will just jump into the voicemails. 800-213-7503. I want to hear what you guys have been up to. We have no food. We have no jobs. Our pets heads are falling off. Because I know this is a community that's been through a lot. It can be silly, it can be stupid, it can be serious. Whatever you need. I think we need to come back together as a tiramisu community and get back to the basics because we've been gone for too long. Summer vacation's coming to an end. We need to get back to the basics and figure out what the fuck we got to do to keep this ship afloat. Capiche? You hear me? Okay, good. I love you guys. I mean it. I've got a lot of exciting things coming up, so there's a lot to be grateful for. And again, call your neighbor, call your friends, call the people in your life. See what they need, and let's do this together, because guess what? Everyone on the Internet's still going to be insufferable, but not this community. We got this. Look at me trying to be motivating. All right, I love you. I mean it. I got to go change out this Pitbull T shirt. It is wet. I'll see you guys on the next episode. Ciao, bella. Riverdale. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.
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