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- [00:00]
A
The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. We are doing a replay. I've been throwing back a lot of these replays for some bonus episodes through the summer because there are so many new people here, so many new followers, and a lot of y' all have told me the best way to get to know me is to go back to the beginning. So this is an old school episode from, I think it was back in, what, 2022. Also, what is. What is the universe? Have we jumped the matrix? I can't believe we're in 2026. And I just wrapped shooting my third special. But this episode, which is called no Snacking in the Back, was recorded right after I had filmed Son I Never had, which was my first special. So it's really crazy to think, like, I've done. Fuck, two tours since then. We've shot two more specials. It's really, really insane how quickly time can go. I mean, that was four years ago and here we were. And it's so interesting going back and listening to these older episodes and like, the anxiety and what I went through and just, you know, all the minutia and bullshit that you go through when you're giving these opportunities. And guess what? It doesn't change. Then you get to your third special and you're still worrying about the same. So for me, these episodes are also refreshing to go back and be like, you know, we made it, but we also are still grabbing ourselves up by the bootstraps. Is it grabbing yourself up by the bootstrap? That seemed a little. Little sexual, you know what I'm saying? You got to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep fucking going. And for those of y' all who are new, hey, welcome to the frickin podcast. I've been doing a lot of these bonus episodes, especially on a Friday. That way you have something to listen to on your weekend as you're driving to, I don't know, up the coast of Maine. I don't know where the hell you're going. Are you going crabbing? Maybe you're going to throw a couple shrimp in a bucket and see your grandma. You do you. I hope it's a beautiful weekend. Really is wild, though. I'm literally smack dab right now this week in the middle of Editing the third special, which I'm so fricking excited about. And I still watch myself on camera and worry about the same bullshit. What you look like, you know, your makeup, the lighting, the giggles, it's all the same bullshit. It's all some sort of sense of self loathing. And it's so insane because we've now done three, which is wild. But the Son I Never had was such a special moment. And when I walked off stage, I just broke out into tears because I couldn't believe that I had and that somehow I had, like, accomplished it. So remember, kids, always reach for your dreams and what's the worst that's going to happen? You go for it and then, I don't know, you end up doing a special and then somebody actually ends up buying the special and then the special ends up being good and you enjoy your life. Like, who cares? Just go for it. There. There's no what. The world's going to end in four years. Just fucking go for it. Who cares? Who cares? You know, have a side hustle, make sure you can keep the lights on and, you know, put food on the table for your family. But in the meantime, just go for it. Who cares? Also, now you can watch Son I never had on YouTube for free, but also on Hulu. So all my special Son I Never had and breadwinner are going to Hulu. They will also be up on YouTube, but remember, you can check them out. I know they've been hidden for a little bit. It's because we were having to wheel and deal and let the ink dry. So go watch Son I Never had, which is my first special. If you are new here, you can watch on YouTube for free but also on Hulu. Thank you for supporting me and I really hope you love this throwback. This was wild. Listening to this episode for myself, I'm like, wow, while we have grown, but also we have not. I hope you have a great weekend. Enjoy that trip to Maine and enjoy this trip down memory lane. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How the hell are you? I hope everyone's doing well. I hope you had a beautiful weekend. I just got back from Kentucky from shooting the comedy special and baby, we did it. Your girl's on fire. Her calves are burning. She's dead inside emotionally. Because that adrenaline rush took me for a ride this weekend. I just want to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you to everybody from the bottom of my heart who came in on a holiday weekend, which is, I guess, Halloween. And you guys came to the show and you were so supportive, and you stayed after when we had to do pickups for editing and all of that jazz. And I am just so incredibly grateful. You have no idea. I want you to know, too. You know, the past couple weeks, we've been. I've genuinely been trying to encourage everybody to, like, you know, work through the shit. If you think you can't do something, you really can. And I want you to know that I had such a sense of, like, accomplishment when I was flying home yesterday, shoved in Delta Comfort in between my mom, Christina, and then Jeff's to my left. And I was just like, you know what? We did it, baby. She believed she could, so she went to Kentucky, and it feels good. So thank you mostly for the encouragement. And I want you to know that, like, we did it, you know? And then the next step is I'll go and I'll sit in a dark booth somewhere at a. At a production office, and we'll edit this bad boy, and then we'll take it to market, and we'll either sell it or I'll put it out directly to consumer, and you guys can buy it directly from me. And then you can watch it whenever you want, whenever you're feeling lonely or your kids are driving you crazy or your husband driving you fucking nuts or maybe your wife, you know, your partner, your parents, whomever you live with. But I just want you to know I. You know, we did it, and I couldn't have done it without y'.
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All.
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A
So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We had so much fun. Big shout out to Face by Case Casey, my makeup artist and Boho Brit from Studio 285 and Salty Lock extensions and her sister Amber. Thank you to that crew for coming out. My glam squad just fucking knocked it out of the park. And moomoo. Show me your moomoo for making me this insane suit. And Marie de Georges for tailoring it. Just honestly, there were so many people. But most importantly, big shout out to Jen Zabrowski, who is my director and my dear friend. She and I write TV shows together, and this was her first special directing it. She knocked it out of the fucking park and we just did it. We had a great time, and I feel we're moving on up. We're leveling up. She believed she could, so she went to Kentucky, and it's a beautiful thing. We are going to get into the hotline here. In a minute. But I definitely want to just kind of roll through the weekend, talk about what you've been up to, what I've been up to, let's talk about. I mean, where do we even go? I mean, there really aren't any absolutely nots. It was a weekend full of absolute yeses and just having the fucking time of our lives. All my friends came up. My friend Jorge from the Turks and Caicos flew up with our buddy Jimmy. Like, I just felt so much love and I felt so supported and it really is such a team effort. And sometimes in comedy and podcasting all of this, you feel, you know, I'm alone with my own thoughts a lot of the time. And it's my job to be a self starter, to make it happen, to write my material, to go out and do the damn thing. But it really takes a fucking vil. And I am so grateful for everybody who came and supported me and I just feel very grateful. So I really wanted to start this episode with gratitude. I'm usually starting these, these episodes with diarrhea, acid reflux, panic attacks, eczema, flare up. You know, the fact that I don't really use distilled water in my neti pot, which I know is like a major red flag. I'll boil the water, but I, I don't go and buy distilled water. And I know there is probably an ENT, ear, nose and throat doctor who is listening to this right now. Like, Heather, you're going to end sort of weird brain eating amoeba because there's at least once a year somebody says you shouldn't use neti pots because you know a parasite's gonna eat your brain. Well, I can't live without mine. So I boil my water in the microwave. Lay off me, Cheryl. Shut the fuck up. Dude. Dude, dude, dude. Okay, this is so funny. So last night we fly in, we don't get into like 6 o', clock, and it's Christina, Jeff, mom and I, we drove to the airport. So we had our car. We're like, perfect. We're going to stop at one of our favorite little fast casual places to get a bowl on the way home because we ate nothing but fried chicken in Kentucky, not kfc with just fried chicken, period. I haven't seen a vegetable and I'm really not trying to do like that bit right now, but I genuinely mean it. I did not eat a fucking vegetable. And in the state of Kentucky from Thursday to Sunday, there was not one had. There was not one found. It was. I've eaten a lot of beige fried foods, which I'm not complaining about. I'm not above that. You know what I mean? Like, that's me doing me. But I just said, I need a bowl. I need some sort of kale. I need an avocado. Shit. Just put in a chive. Put a chive on top of some melted cheese. I just need one thing that's green. So we stopped at this little place, and I'm not going to name the name of the restaurant because I don't want to blow up their spot, but I feel like you'll figure it out if you're from Atlanta. So we went to this place that is a big competitor to, like, sweet green and everything. And I was like, all right, perfect. We're going to. Everybody can get their own bowl. Because you know what it's like dealing with fucking Jeff and my mom and Tina. Like, everybody wants something different for dinner. And I'm like, can we figure it the fuck out? Can we all just pick one place? But I said, if we go get a bowl, then everybody can put whatever they want. You got a Thai bowl. You got an aloha bowl. If you want some aji tuna, that's what I get. Jeff can get his weird bullshit. We're all getting separate bowls. So we get in there and it's a Sunday squad. And if you've ever worked in any sort of. Whether it's retail or dining, Sunday squad is like, you know, it's pretty much, you know, the lone survivors of the restaurant industry and. Or retail working the Sunday night shift. So there's already a line, and I see that they're understaffed. So there's one guy doing strictly the to go orders, and then there's two other gentlemen that are working the bowl station. Now, I'm going to go ahead and tell you this right now. Some of these bowl places, you got too many options. You know what I mean? Like, if you have jicama on the menu, it's too much. At least sweet Greens has it, like, dialed in where they have, like, mixtures and, you know, the dressings. But if there is 65 fucking options to put in a bowl, which I'm glad there are, but at that point, you're like, this is. You're giving me too many options. Let's narrow it down to 40. We don't need 60. If you've got red bell pepper and sweet baby peppers, jicama and then like a Persian cucumber and an English hothouse, Too many options. Have one Pepper, one cuke. We don't need that many. You know what I'm saying? It's like your brain explodes. You just, you can't handle it when you get in there. So anyways, we get in there and I can already tell we got the Sunday crew and they're sweating and then the one guy is only making the bowls for the to go orders, whatever it is, doordash, ubereats, et cetera. And he's going in there and he's, he's got it nailed down. This is a well oiled machine with the two dudes who are actually taking orders in store. While I would say there's probably about 40 people online, right? We're standing there 20 minutes. We haven't even gotten to the front. I get up to the front, I am ready, I'm dialed in, I've got everything. I'm making minimum substitutions because you know when you get up there you're like, if I make too many substitutions, they're gonna fucking freak out. And I don't wanna throw them off their game. And I'm waiting and I notice that all the guys just disappear. There's nobody on the line, the front line, to fill the bowl. So I'm waiting there and then all of a sudden you can see through the kitchen window, right? You can see where the guys are putting the fresh stuff up, like the fresh shrimp or the salmon or the fresh jicama, whatever. All of a sudden you hear yelling. There's this the main guy who I'm guessing is like working as a manager. And this poor guy has like his work cut out for him. He's like, are you snacking? Are you snacking, brah? Are you snacking? And then this other guy's like, no, I'm not snacking. He goes, I see food in your mouth. We got 40 people in line and you're fucking snacking. Not on my watch, brah. Not on my watch. So then the guy who catches his other employees snacking behind the line comes back around and he's like, you know, he's throwing, you know, the big salad bowls. Everybody has those giant big silver salad bowls. And then they dump the shit into the salad bowl and then they mix it up and they aggressively, once they transfer whatever your accoutrements are from your bowl into the to go box bowl that you know how they like slam down the silver bowl, you know what I'm talking about? Have you been to any sort of like salad place or bowl place they like, you know, slam the fucking Silver Giant, silver mixing bowl, down into a bin underneath to get washed. This guy's throwing bowls just like he's fucking snacking, bro. We got 40 people in line. The guy who's snacking comes around, okay, now this is forward facing to the customers. It's myself, Christina, my mom. Jeff's waiting in the car, right, listening to the game and, like, 30 Georgia Tech nerds. And I can say that with love. My sister would do Georgia Tech. She would also agree. These kids are talking about Dungeons and Dragons. And if you don't know what Georgia Tech is, it would be similar to, like, an mit. You got your Harvard computer science majors. Like, you know, everyone's over here gaming future Elon Musk of the world. Good for them. But they wouldn't know what to do if a brawl actually popped off. Now Tina and I are in line with my mom, and, you know, my mom's fucking savage as shit. Robin's, you know, yelled at a waitress before, like, she will fudge throw down. Tina and I are like, bop, bop, let's go. And for a split second, I thought, if I have to jump in and defend, you know, the manager here, I'm on the side of the guy who's trying to get people in and out. I will brawl for this man who catches his coworker on the back line just throwing down a hoagie. You know what I'm saying?
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So.
- [14:43]
A
So the manager who catches his other guy snacking is on the line. He's throwing silver bowls, you know, clanging shit together. I'm like, oh, shit, it's about to go down. So then the other guy who's been caught snacking comes around the corner. He's like, we got a problem here, bro? We got a problem. And now both of them are just going back and forth, just saying, like, do you got a problem? I ain't got a problem. You got a problem? I ain't got a problem. Literally, like, I look at Tina, I go, tina, I think we got a problem. I think we got a problem. And I'm like this. They're about to pop off, and I'm ready. I'm like, dinner in a show. I live for this shit. Like, this is like world star, you know what I mean? This is my world star moment. And I'm ready to, like, pop, pop, pop off, jump over. You get the sneeze guard, that sneeze rail or whatever the fuck it is, and I'm ready to pop over the guard and just start bopping the guy who's been Snacking. And there's something so funny about a grown man yelling at another man. I saw you snacking. You know what I mean? Like, not like, dude, we're busy fucking. It's not your lunch break. Like, saying the words lunch break sounds a lot more authoritative than saying snacking. I caught you snacking. The guy who was absolutely caught snacking is like, wiping the mustard and the mayo off his lips. And, you know, I'm standing in line so long that I can see a sign in the kitchen. They literally have a sign up for employees, like, next to the clock and thing that says no employee food or drink behind, you know, the grill lines. And this guy's just fucking throwing down probably a pub sub. You know, he doesn't eat the food there because he's sick of smelling it all day. I don't blame him. You know, that's why I never worked at Chipotle, Chick Fil A, any of those fine establishments. Chili's. I never darkened the doors of those places for employment because I knew I. I wouldn't want it anymore. And some things need to be left sacred. Do you know what I'm saying?
- [16:46]
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So.
- [16:47]
A
So this guy is screaming, I caught you snacking. And that. I'm literally. I have tears rolling down my eyes, and my mom's looking at me like, he was snacking. And Tina's like, he got him snacking. And then I turned. It was almost like we were playing a game of telephone. Like, did you hear that? Did you hear that? And I turned to this kid who's like, six four. Nerd alert. Sweet as pie, but just definitely a freshman at Georgia Tech. Dungeons and dragons, living in the dorms like, you know, computer science major. Just like, I've never touched a girl before. One of those. And I turned him. I'm like, did you know he was snacking? Thinking that this guy's gonna pick up on the joke? And he's just like, I'm so sorry. What did you say? I was listening to a podcast by Neil Tyson Degrassi. You know what I mean? Neil, you know who I'm talking about? The scientist. That guy, that guy. I don't even know the scientist's name. That's how much of a theater major I am. Do you know what I'm saying? So the manager's just screaming, we got a problem. He's like, I don't got a problem. You got a problem. And then you can just hear like, let me find something I can smack together so you guys can hear. How. Okay, hold on here's. A little ASMR for you. So it's like, that's not the right sound. Oh shit. I'm trying to find what can I. You know what I mean? I'm trying to hit something metal so you can hear just the bowls, the bowls are just like clanging. And the tongs, the little tongs that you use to like pasta salad are clanging. And for a split second I was like, this is it. They're really gonna fucking fight. And then the other guy, the manager goes back in the back, he cools off for maybe like 10 seconds and he comes back around, he's like, what would you like? Looks directly at me. And we just kind of had this moment. It was like an energetic moment where I have been in that position before. I have worked retail, I have been worked the fucking Sunday brunch shift into the, the damn Sunday night shift where everyone's ungrateful and everybody's in a bad mood and everyone's hungover. I have worked the soul cycle shift where It's a Sunday, 5pm And I'm the closing manager and somebody bit their tongue in one of the classes and there's blood everywhere. And when I was supposed to clock out at 6, I'm there till 7:30 with no hazmat suit or even rubber gloves, cleaning up a patron's blood. Like I have been, been there. I have worked at those jobs. And I looked at this man in the eyes and we both kind of just like, like we clocked and I, and I just said, hey, dude, you're doing a great job. You, you got, you got the D team tonight. And he like laughed and he was like, thank you. And he's like, shut the fuck up. I don't know why, but like I just wanted like he could feel my energy. Like I kind of looked at him like, was like almost slightly flirting. I wanted him to know that if he needed me to throw down to jump over the jicama to go pop up this guy who was clearly snacking, I was ready to defend. I was like, dude, I got your back. I witnessed it, I saw it. But this establishment, it's named after a vegetable, needs to get their shit together. But I want you to know there were three guys last night that were really pulling their weight and there was one guy that was not. But there is just nothing more hysterical than hearing a grown ass man yell, were you snacking? I got you snacking. I mean, that is the funniest shit ever. Because snacking is such a thing that you do when you get caught, you know what I mean? It's different when you're, like, eating, but if you're snacking, it already feels dirty. It already feels like you shouldn't be doing it. You know, think about it. I just went down for a little midnight snack. Snack, you know, you're not supposed to be eating at midnight. You know, that's bad for your digestion and your sleep cycle. Little midnight snack, a little afternoon snack. It's always got to have a connotation with it, right? It's always got to be like a. What time of day was the snack? What's the number one thing a dietitian or a nutritionist says? We got to cut out the snacks. You know, how many calories you consuming when you're snacking? I love a snack. I live on snacks. I'm right now, I'm currently wolfing down these dark chocolate almond butter filled pretzel nuggets from Trader Joe's. They're delicious. But snacking, yeah, it's. It's already kind of dirty and so like to see another grown man call out another man for, like, doing something, you know, it almost seemed a little sexual. I caught you snacking also sounds like I caught you jerking. Well, you know, he wasn't. And listen, the guy probably needed a break. They were understaffed. I'm sure he needed a fucking snack. Blood sugar was low, but, man, I mean, with 40 people in line, I'd already been standing there 20 minutes and to see two grown men screaming at each other. Are you good, brah? I'm good, dude. Are you sure you're good? Yeah. Are you gonna go keep snacking? Funniest shit I've ever seen in my life. You know, I like a good glass of wine at the end of the day, but I never really know what to buy. Even though I think I know wine and I'm educated on wine, I want to try new stuff and sometimes I get overwhelmed. I go to my wine shop, sometimes it's the same stuff and I want to try new. I found first leaf through the podcast and honestly, it just makes the whole thing so much easier. They match wines to your taste and send them right to your door. So when you want to try something new or when you don't have any education on wine, they do the hard picking for you. Here's what really makes it click. Every box comes with an easy to follow tasting notes and pairing suggestions right in the box. So whether I'm making like pasta on a Tuesday or we did steak tacos yesterday or we're doing fish the next day. They can literally tell you there's like a cheat sheet of what you should be pairing with what meal. First Leaf works directly with wineries, which means I get access to award winning bottles including wines you can't always find at your local store at prices well below retail. Better wine for less money. It's kind of a no brainer and I love wine and I love trying new wine. Here's the thing. Stop settling for wines that don't quite hit the mark. Head to try firstleaf.com absolutely to sign up for your first and you'll get 50 off your first box plus free shipping for an entire year. That's T R Y F I R S T L E A F.com Absolutely. Try FirstLeaf.com Absolutely. Again, that's TryFirstLeaf.com Absolutely. I think you're gonna love it. They'll send it directly to your door. You can have tasting notes and try new things. Or if you're clueless about wine, you can get a really cool education through First Leaf Quints. I love them. I need them. I shop for it. I bought all my new sheets for quints. I bought all my new towels. I've bought gorgeous European linen. I have bought linen sheets. I have bought linen to put on my body. I have bought their washable silk, their Mongolian cashmere sweaters. I've bought fricking couches. I've bought patio furniture. I bought plates. I don't know how many more times I can tell you. I shop at Quint's. One of the reasons I love quints is because they cut out the middlemen. So you're getting top quality products but without the high markup. These ethical factories and I just frickin love quints. I just bought a couch from them. I'm buying three more couches for my house from them. I will buy all of the sheets for my guest bedrooms from quints. I will do a refresh through my house with towels and duvet covers and comforters. Anything you can imagine you need from frickin like luggage to a gorgeous real Italian woven leather bag to a gorgeous linen dress which is 100% European linen that you're going to wear while you're sweating your ass off in Italy. You can buy it from Quince. All right. Make your summer wardrobe feel easier and hey, make your house feel lighter. Go to quince.com absolutely for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. A that's Q U I n c e.com/absolutely. For free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com/absolutely. Again that's quince.com/absolutely. Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. Quince.com Absolutely. I'm filling up my pantry with Thrive Market because I love Thrive Market. I can order it online, sent directly to my door and it is the frickin best. Why do I love Thrive Market? It is a membership based online grocery and for just $5 a month you get access to a curated selection of organic and non GMO brands. 90 plus dietary filters, weekly sales, free gifts, and the peace of mind that 1000 plus ingredients are already restricted. One annual fee. Priceless peace of mind. And what I love is that like say you have a gluten allergy or you have a specific thing that you're trying to stay away from in a dietary restriction. Well you can look at what they have at Thrive Market because a thousand plus ingredients. So that means no stressing over labels or googling. Every additive, every product is curated. It's organic, it's non GMO and the brands are vetted before they even hit the site. 90 plus dietary filters. Okay. Which means the label reading is already done for you. You got high protein, low sugar, glp, one friendly, gluten free, dye free and more. I mean it's just frickin the best. 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Because I take Zbiotics pre alcohol probiotic drink, which is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by a PhD scientist to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in the gut. It's a buildup of this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for rough, rough days after drinking. Pre alcohol produces an enzyme to break this by product down. Just remember to make pre alcohol your first drink of the night. Drink responsibly and you'll feel your best tomorrow. I took them when I was in Europe and honestly, the one day that I was hungover is when I did not have my zebiotics. I ran out of it and I was like, that's, that's made a difference. July is packed with barbecues, fireworks, late weekends and late nights with friends. Keep the good times rolling into the next day. Drink pre alcohol before you go out and wake up ready for whatever Sunday brings. Remember to head to zbiotics.com absolutely. And use the code absolutely at checkout for 15% off. Again. I'm going to tell you that one more time just so you don't you get it right. It's Z like the letter zbiotics.com Absolutely. Again, you got to head to zbiotics.com Absolutely. Use code Absolutely at checkout for 15% off. I was ready to pick a side. I was ready to get in there. And I know that, that somebody would have recorded it and it would have been me in this, like, manager brawling with this guy who's probably got like a sandwich in one hand, you know what I mean? And those fucking tongs. And do you know how dangerous a fight would be at a bowl place? Do you know how many weapons are just right there? You know, imagine how hard that would, how bad that would hurt if you get clamped at the back of the neck with one of those tongs. Those things are sharp, dude. Somebody just, you know, you pick up two bowls and just like whack each other across the head. I'm not condoning violence. What I'm saying is, though, for a split second, as I was wondering to myself, do you think that this, this staff right now can handle me asking for half rice, half romaine lettuce for my aloha bowl? I don't know if I can do this to them. I didn't want all the rice, though. I wanted lettuce. And I didn't, I didn't know I was Thinking, do I sacrifice my joy because I know that they're short staffed and I'm. I'm a selfless person. So I did. And then when the guy started making my bowl, you know, we. He left out like all the ingredients because he was flustered. You know, he was trying to run the show. He was fucking flustered. I don't blame him. But damn, doggy. Damn, that shit was. I caught you snacking. Funniest shit I've ever seen in my life. So now I told Jeff, I was like, anytime I catch you doing something, I'm just gonna scream, I got you snacking. But it does, it feels dirty. It feels almost sexual. But the other guy, he was doubling down. He was like, so what? He's like, it's not your lunch break yet. And he's like, what about it? And I was like, dude, it ain't your lunch break. You know, I almost got fired when I was working at SoulCycle. I almost got fired for eating a burrito bowl. No, what was. It was a Dr. Pepper and like hot Cheetos at the front desk. I was deathly hungover, and I just want to throw it out there. I was one of their star stellar employees, okay? And I got a quarter raise one year. They paid me. They said, you're going from 1250 to 1275. And that was me living the dream. But I was very hungover and I was. It was like a downtime. And one of the managers was mad that I was working at a gym, which was, you know, obviously a very forward facing industry to the customer. And I had Cheeto dust all over my fingers and was chugging. Not a diet Dr. Pepper, a regular Dr. Pepper. And I looked at my manager and I said, you really wanna fight with me right now? Meanwhile, the worst part about working at SoulCycle when you were hungover is you were sitting there with all the stinky shoes. Listen, we're all gonna end up with some horrible lung disease from that, that shoe spray. We were never masked up. We would spray the shoes and then we would just sit there at the front desk and just wait. Wafted. I mean, I'm hoping that I did enough drugs and had enough hot Cheeto dust in my lungs to kind of like filter out the chemicals from the shoe spray. But you would sit there and then everybody would be sweaty coming in and out, and they'd throw their dirty towel at you. And you're like, dude, I was at a nightclub that I should not have been at last night. And there was one nightclub in particular in la, that they would, I think I'm sure I've told you guys this before, but they would put a little person on a zip line and they would drop them down and that's where how you get your bottle service really fucked up. I mean, I'm sure they were being paid well, you know what I mean? I know that they, it was like they wanted that job. I mean, it was, it was little bottle service girls. And it's not a bad idea. But I just remember, I remember that that's why I was so hungover that one day is cause I ended up in a nightclub where my friends got bottle service. I couldn't afford it. And I look up and there's just this like baby cherub being lifted down, just coming down off the zip line, handing me a bottle of Patron. So, yeah, did I need the hot Cheetos and Dr. Pepper at the gym? Yeah, I did. And they were like, heather, you can you eat that in the back? And I said, I can't, I can't. And they're like, we caught you snacking. And I'm like, yeah, you're lucky I'm here. So with that being said, I also like, empathize for the other guy who was caught snacking, but I wasn't. It's not like I was snacking when we had 40 people in line. Like, no matter how hungover I was, I showed up, I smelled good, you know, may, you know, might be a little dust on the bottle. My, you know, that's kind of my theme song. There might be a little Cheeto dust on the bottle. And that bottle was a smart water that I was handing you, you know, And I think that's what they got upset. Someone complained because as I. It was in between classes and somebody asked for an extra water and I reached over to hand them their smart water bottle and it had Cheeto dust on them. And that was triggering for, you know, I don't know, some housewife in la. So anyways, all that being said, I just, I empathized. I got it. I was also ready to fight. Like, I just was coming off a lot of adrenaline from this past weekend and was like, I gotta help this guy who's trying to run this shift with a bunch of idiots, you know what I mean? Who's like at his wits end. I've been there, I've done that Sunday night shift and there's nothing worse. And it's brutal and it, you know, steals your soul, but you do it. So anybody who's working that Sunday night shift. Anybody who's on that, anybody who is the manager, but not technically the manager, but you know, is not getting paid like a manager, but still has to close up shop and deal with the fucking idiots on a Sunday, I want you to know that I hear you, I see you, and you deserve more respect. Let's get chatting with the other idiots, see who else has been secretly snacking while on the job. We're going to hit the hotline. As always, you can call into the absolutely not line, 800-213-7503. Also want to let you know, when I got home last night, I literally ate my bowl that had two ingredients in it because that was a shit show. And then I went upstairs, I turned on Stanley Tucci, and I fell asleep at 8:15 and I told Jeff, I told this motherfucker, I said, jeff, I'm going to take a quick cat nap. If you let me fall asleep fully in a deep slumber at 8:15, then I'm fucked. I'm going to wake up at 3:00 in the morning and then my entire circadian rhythms, off, off. And what did this do? He let me sleep and I Woke up at 4am Because I had a sweatshirt on, my skims robe, I had on my sports bra, like everything that I had traveled in that day and I ripped all my clothes off. I slept through to 3am so then I was up from 3am to 7:55 and for a split second I was like, well, let me just go downstairs and record the podcast at 4am Like I woke up with that much energy. I'd been asleep since, since 8pm I went down, I made a cup of tea, da da da. Came back upstairs and Jeff started bitching that I woke him up. And I said, well, I'm only waking you up right now because you didn't wake me up. He said, you were purring. That's why I didn't wake you up, Heather, because last night you were purring. I said, what the fuck does that mean? He said, you looked angelic and like you needed the sleep. And I said, thank you for thinking of me, but now we're all fucked. And then I finally fell back asleep at 8am and woke up at 10 and I saw my boy Greg and I went and got a massage. And you know what, hold on. All of this being said, this is. I want this to be your weekly reminder to go book yourself something for self care. I booked myself a massage, an 11am Monday morning massage. And it has set my intentions for the week, right? I go see my boy Greg. He's a slender Filipino man. And we talk about his retirement home. Not retirement home. Like he's older. I mean, like, he's going to retire in the Philippines. And obviously we talk about Joe Koy a lot because he's from the Philippines. Big Joe Coy fan, you know, an amazing comedian who has done a ton of shows in the Philippines because he's Filipino. So shout out to Joe Coy. Never met him. Heard he's a wonderful man. Love his comedy. But. So when we don't spend most of our time talking about Joe Coy, we then spend the rest of the massage talking about his ebay business. And my boy Greg is not only rubbing me down and working the tendons and my sciatica just. I mean, it's like I show up an oyster and I leave a fresh pearl. Do you know what I mean? I would trust this man with my life. He is a quarter of my size. I mean, Greg doesn't even come up to, like, the lower ribs. He's a small man and he's fantastic. We talk about his ebay side hustles, which I'm very interested in. And he's using all that money and the money he does with massage therapy and he's gonna move to the Philippines in a couple years. And I told him, I said, greg, I'll see you in the Philippines. I'm coming. And I'm ready to do a vacation there. It's on my list. I'm ready to go another place I want to add to the places I'm going. Next year, I want to go to Ireland and the Philippines. But Greg is just healing hands and he is so joyful and we giggle and he was like, how did this special go? Like, he's really invested in me and I'm invested in him. But my boy Greg, there's just something about having that hour and a half on a Monday at 11:00am that I just. I need, I need. We talk through things. I encourage him. I'm like, all right, what are we selling on ebay this week? He's doing great. He's making a fucking killing. He showed me the house he's going to build when he decides to retire back home on the beach in the Philippines. It's stunning. It's an A frame. I didn't even know what that was. He's going to build a couple of them, make a little resort. I said, I'll be there. I'll do the free marketing. Like, whatever you need. Greg I got you. Because when he puts his thumb into this one spot on my shoulder, it just like, like the whole, My whole chakra aligns. And I lead there with the energy from Greg and he, he goes into his day with, you know, with the bullshit from me. And we just, we. We're better people because of it. So all of this being said, if you need to take an hour out of your week, okay, and if it's, hey, I'm not going to dinner with the girls, I need a fucking break, Go get your nails done, go get your feet rubbed. You know, I don't know what that looks like for you. Maybe it's just you wandering in Sephora for 45 minutes with a froyo in one hand and a cigarette in the other. What does that look like for you? Maybe it's just you sitting in your car listening to my podcast, buying dildos on Amazon. Whatever that quiet time is for you, take that time. I just want everybody to remember we're all in the thick of things right now. What is it, like five fucking weeks till Christmas? Nobody knows what they're doing. Nobody wants to be around their family. But right now, the only thing that we can do, because we're all fucking busy, the only thing we can do for ourselves is carve out 45 minutes to an hour a week to just take that moment, whatever that is. I don't care if you go to Taco Bell in your pajamas and get a gordito crunch and then go and get acupuncture, whatever that hour looks like, however you want to break it up, you do. You, you know what I mean? Maybe you prank phone call your mother in law. Whatever you want to do to have that self care, you do it. You know what I'm saying? Whatever that looks like for you. You know, if you're a hiker, great. Maybe you go on a little hike and then, you know, you watch a documentary on polygamy and then, you know, spend the next 30 minutes looking for a sister wife online. Because that sounds good to you. Whatever that is for you, take the time to do it. Because right now I've got my standing appointment with my boy Greg, you know, and that's the quiet time for me. Even though we chit chat and I'm one of those psychopaths who sometimes chit chats in a massage, I just want you to know that I am, I am listening to that voice inside of my head that says, take the time for yourself because we all need it. All right, let's take the Time to get to the hotline. 800-213-7503. As always, you can call in. We had some dudes call in, which I'm very excited about. You know, last week's episode, I was just dialed in on the men's therapy, and I just feel like if we're really going to expand this podcast, we need to go to both sides. It's, you know, ladies, I hear you. I am here for you. I am. We are one. We are together. We're on the same page. But I had a couple of dudes call in, and I want to get to those, because any way that I can help that this can be a safe space for everybody in the community. You know, if we start building a bridge from men to women and back again, and then we can both respectively go, you know, they can go to Bass Pro Shop and we can go to Sephora and we don't have to speak, but that we can come together for 45 minutes, an hour a week just to. To build that bridge. We can understand each other better. And I believe that 90% of good, good relationships are all about communication. Anyways, let's get into this. We got some boys on the line. We got some girlies on the line. We're going to get into this, and let's hit it.
- [40:50]
B
Perry, it's Willie from Atlanta. Hey, I need your advice on exactly what a married lady wants in the bedroom. See, I've been married now 10 years. My wife and I have three kids under the age of seven. And because of your last show with my fine leopard print shirt and the great meal we had at the Garden room before your show, my wife and I now have number four on the way. But I need to spice it up for her. What should I do?
- [41:19]
A
This is a great question, Willie. It is Harry. This is Harry's therapy. Okay, Willie, here's the deal. First of all, I love. I love your love. I love that you took your wife to my show. And I want you to know that that already gets you major Brownie points in my book, okay? You are support female comedians. You're supporting women in business. You're supporting your wife and what she wants to do. You know, I'm sure you asked to go to, like, Third Eye Blind concert, or maybe you're like, can we go see Hootie and the Blowfish? Some just real 2002 throwback. But you know what? You took her to what she wanted to see, and that's me. And I'm fantastic. So I'm already on Board with you. And I love that we made a beautiful love child. Congratulations on baby number four. That is great. I think that's great for you. I, I, I think you're thrilled. I mean, you got, you got to dick her down, you know? And I mean, and if this is too much, if baby number four is too much, I just want you to know, you know, it's already happening. And you could have pulled out, but you didn't. So that's also on you. You know, you do control that. Technically. Anyways, what does she want in the bedroom? Well, first of all, I am not sponsored by these people, and I spent a lot of money on this. But she probably is having hormonal hot flashes, so she'd like a chili sleeper pad. If anybody from the chile sleeper community hears this, please send me the one for the whole bed, okay? Because I only have one for my side of the bed. What else would she like? You know, we were talking about midnight snacks earlier. I think, especially because she's with child. I think you fill up a little nice bowl. I think it's got to be glass. You know what I mean? It's, she's got to be able to see the snacks, get her a little glass bowl of a little salty sweet treat. And I think these dark chocolate almond butter pretzel nuggets from Trader Joe's are fantastic. Or, you know, if you can't, you don't have a Trader Joe's by you. Maybe you just hit peanut butter stuffed pretzel. So that way. Because what I like to do is, Willie, before or after sex, or even if I'm not doing the sex, I like to put the pretzels in my mouth, okay? And I like to suck off the salt and really just get, you know, when you take the pretzel and you're sucking off the salt, but you're letting the giant salt granular little nuggets rub against your gum, and it's like, who needs floss when you can just eat salted pretzels? And then I, you know, get that sweet touch of the peanut butter inside. And then maybe if, you know, you can't, you don't have access to the peanut butter pretzels that are already covered in the chocolate. You also put some M and Ms. In the bowl, make it nice. Make it a little glass bowl. It sits right on her nightstand with a little sticker or a little card that says, this is a judgment free midnight snack zone. Okay, let me tell you something right now, Will, really, I got up the other Night. I got up the other night and Jeff tried to shame me. I'm really feeling the shame right now. I didn't even realize what a callback this would be. But Jeff really tried to shame me. I didn't feel that great the other night, and so I didn't eat before, didn't eat a lot of dinner. And midnight hit and I was like, I'm fucking starving. I said, I'm gonna go down and get some cheese and some crackers. I'm starving. He's like, don't eat right now. And I'm like, just because you're trying to lose weight doesn't mean I need to. He's like, well, you shouldn't eat before bed. And I said, well, if I don't eat right now, Jeff, I'm gon wake up at 4am fucking starving. Because I. I'm. My stomach's gurgling right now, so what do you want me to do? And you know what? Jeff would have immediately gotten blown if he would have just said, you know what? Let me go downstairs and get you a little plate of cheese and crackers because the protein in the cheese is going to be real nice for you. And I'll get you one of those keto crackers so you don't feel like you're eating a lot of sugars before bed. If he would have been more encouraging about my midnight snack, if that man would bring me more food in bed, I. I would just spread them. But instead I got attitude. So what did I do? I stayed in the kitchen and tinker tinkered around. And then I didn't even feel like I could bring up my little side plate. Because then if you saw how many crackers and how many pieces of cheese I had, I felt like I was being judged. So I think if you have a midnight snack judgment free zone for your beautiful pregnant wife, that's first of all going to turn her on again. You know, chocolate peanut butter pretzels are already an aphrodisiac. Some people say it's red wine, some people say it's oysters. You know, she can't have either of those. She can't even have raw cheese. So get her something that's sensible. Let her just suck off the salt. Oh, my. My mouth's watering right now. And then get a little hit of the chocolate in the back, like, little crunch. And then she kind of has the chocolate still on her breath a little bit. And then she might be like, hey, Willy, you know what I mean? Let's just. Is I'm already pregnant, so you can come all inside of me and we have no repercussions. You want. You want to mess around? Like, if my blood sugar was at a really good point, like, perfectly balanced before I went to bed, and maybe if Jeff brought me more treats, sweet treats, while I was laying down, I would put out more. You know what I'm saying? I mean, he always brings me up my water at night, which is really loving and respectful with my crushed ice, and he puts it right next to my bed. But I would just. Jeff, when you hear this, I would really love a cheese and cracker moment with no fucking attitude. What else? Okay, so we've already said, like, make sure the sheets are comfortable. You know, maybe get her one of those sleep pads to help her regulate her heat. Have a nice little sweet treat on the bedside table. Honestly, just put on the fucking Kardashians. And I'm not even trying to, like, be hacky right now. Like, Jeff was like, well, if you're going to watch the Kardashians, then I'm going to watch the fucking Bengals game in fucking basement. And I was like, this is Sunday night. All I want to do is sit in the bed together and just watch something.
- [46:53]
C
Something.
- [46:53]
A
You're already watching three other games on your fucking cell phone, so why can't I just watch Kardashians? And you go back and forth on the red zone on your phone, like, what does it fucking matter? What? And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Less yuppie. Yep. Less attitude. More dick a dicker. You know what I'm saying? Put on something stupid for her. Guys, guys, it's not that hard. If you literally let us watch 10 minutes of an intro into the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and you don't even have to know what's going on if you just chime in and be like, honestly, Honestly, I think that Kathy said it, but I also think Lisa Renister is the pot. If Jeff said that to me, like, he was even slightly remotely interested in anything I was dialed into, I would literally be like, take off your pants right now. I will do whatever. I'll tickle your butthole. I don't care. You know what I'm saying? Like, that is marital bliss. It's just pretending. Pretending that you were, like, semi on the same page or even in slightly interested in anything stupid. I'm interested in feeding me, letting me giggle, and then dicking me down and putting me to sleep. Sounds like the perfect combo. These are things personally for me, Willie. And I don't know. You guys have kids. I know sleep is, you know, time is of the essence. I understand that. But I think these are little, small changes you can do in your bedroom to really spice things up. Because here's the thing. You have three, four kids. It. You know how the sex gets done. It's not like you're going to pull out a nacho libre mask or, you know, I don't know, dress like a cowboy. And that's going to be the moment for her. However, Willie, I will tell you right now, now, if you guys have not watched Yellowstone together, Yellowstone and Outlander are really great. It's really great foreplay. Now that Yellowstone season, I think five is coming back. Jeff will be getting a lot more sex. So you can also subliminally, and I'm not saying play tricks on your boo thing, but you can subliminally have, like, that playing in the background and just, you know, just show up, like, a little bit more masculine. You talking about the Real Housewives is not. Not you not being masculine. It's being like, dude, I hurt. You could say it just like yourself, Willie, but say your wife's name is, I don't know, Tiff. Tiff. I brought you a little snack also.
- [49:20]
C
I just.
- [49:21]
A
This is so random. This is so random. I think Kathy said it. And, like, you and I both know she has enough money to, like, scare everybody on the show to sue them. I mean, she said it, and she probably. I mean, she probably said it, but it's like, you know, I still like her. Like, she still makes great tv, you
- [49:35]
C
know what I mean?
- [49:35]
A
Anyways, let me know how those peanut butter pretzels are. I'm gonna go downstairs, get a glass of wine. Do you want anything? You know what? I'm gonna bring you up a tea. Cool, cool, cool. And if you just walked out of the room and then came back, but, like, when you were downstairs, go out in the garage, spray yourself with something that makes you smell woodsy, masculine, you know, but just have Yellowstone on and then come back up. She will literally. It'll be a raping. It will be the kind that you like, consensual. You know what I mean? She'll be like, wow, he brought me a snack. She will feel like you're listening because all she wants to do is talk about the Kathy Hilton, Lisa Rinna situation with someone and just you even pretending. And honestly, this is a conversation we should be having for a lot of relationships. You know, we do get stagnant in things, and the Other day I was like, jeff, what was the last, like, real romantic thing you did for me? You know what I mean? And I realized that his love language is acts of service, which is like getting my car cleaned, doing things like that. That's how he shows his love language. But I'm like, bring me a fucking cheese and cracker plate and just, just sit there and like, maybe look at me and watch me while I watch the Kardashians. I don't even have to finish the episode. Just let me have 10 minutes and then I will let you put yourself inside of me. It's not that hard. People just want to feel like they're, they're heard. And you know how to have the sex, Willie, you know how to do it. It's not. She doesn't want you to just show up, you know, with pyrotechnics, there's nothing new. The moves are there. That's how you got into the fourth child position in the first place. She clearly likes the motion of the ocean. But bring the snacks. And I think we are going to be heating it up to a green hatch chili level. You know what I mean? And that's the kind of sex I want to be having. Thoughtful, freaky fun. And I hope that that was good advice and answered your question. I love these calls from my guys. Harry's therapy is always here. There are things in life you don't want to be transparent about. Like your swimsuit. Okay. You don't want your swimsuit to be transparent or your search history. No one needs to see that. But when it comes to your wireless bill, transparency is everything. That's why Mint Mobile's wireless plans have no gimmicks and no gotchas. Just high speed data and reliable coverage on the T Mobile 5G network. And right now all plans are $15 a month. Even unlimited. That's a frickin amazing deal. Mint Mobile took what's wrong with wireless and made it right with Premium Wireless for 15 bucks a month. It's so simple. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. And you can even bring your current phone and your number. That's huge. 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For a limited time, our listeners can get 40% off select Lola blankets and products with code absolutely at checkout. All you have to do is head to lola blankets.com, that's L O L A blankets.com and use code absolutely to get 40% off your order. That's freaking huge. Again, lolablankets.com and use code absolutely to GET 40% off your order. Now back to the podcast. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [56:51]
B
Hey, Heather, my name is Jack from Atlanta. My girlfriend's a huge fan of your show and said that you're giving some guy therapy. So I thought I'd call in. We recently actually just moved in together and my girlfriend loves to starfish, so she loves to spread out in the bed. And because this is a one bedroom apartment, there's not many places places for me to hide. So what is your advice to help combat the starfishing of my girlfriend but also live in harmony together. Additionally, she surprised me the other day with a trip to Charleston to come see your show. So I'm thrilled to come see you in Charleston. But back to the star fishing. This needs to be addressed and I am here for you, here for the advice. Thank you. Have a great one. Heather.
- [57:35]
A
Jack, I'm just. This brought me so much joy. Thank you for calling in. And this is. See the reason I love this voicemail already is you said, how do we live in harmony? You're already a solutions based person. You're already trying to find the. Yes. Trying to figure out how everybody can get along. And I love that. Right. We have a problem. Let's figure out how to all get on the same page. Okay. Starfishing, I do it as well. I'm a large person. I sleep sideways. Jeff this morning, his favorite thing is be like rigatoni. Your mom was sleeping at the the bottom of the bed. I don't sleep at the top of the bed. I literally end up under the covers and across. So, like, I sleep completely diagonal and I'll be at the bottom of the bed. It's bizarre. I don't know why. I don't know what kind of trauma it speaks to. I just don't sleep in one spot. All right, I don't. But I think you're talking about starfishing in, you know, a broader sense. Like, her shit's everywhere. You go to the living room, she's in the living room. You're sitting at the dining room table, she's at the other end. Like, probably asking you, like, what are you thinking about what doing? Here's the thing. This goes back to the previous caller when Willie was like, how do I spice things up? If you just took five minutes out of your day to ask her three things about herself or to be like a. How do we feel about. You know, like I said earlier, Kathy Hilton B, what are you frustrated about today? See, what's your rose and thorn like? I always do that at the end of the day with Jeff. What was your rose and thorn? If you just gave me five minutes of just uninterrupted attention, then I will leave your ass alone. I won't follow you around. I'm not going to be, like, lurking over you. I just need you to again pretend to ask me things, pretend to listen and absorb those things and act like you give a shit. And then I'll be like, all right, you know what? I've had enough of you. Okay, thanks. Why? Wow. Wow. A lot of questions today. Why am I getting grilled? You know what? I'm gonna go to yoga and, like, bounce. I'm out. I'm gonna go to Sephora and smoke a cigarette.
- [59:31]
C
Bounce.
- [59:32]
A
I'm out. I think you wouldn't have her into house as much if the time you spend in the house was. I'm pretending to give a shit. I've told Jeff. I'm like, jeff, just pretend. You don't even really have to listen. Just ask me five questions about myself every day. How does that make you feel? Was your lunch delicious? What are your thoughts on, I don't know, Roe versus Wade? Anything? Anything. Because what guys do is guys walk around not asking you anything about yourself, but just talking at you all day, right? Like, Jeff will be like, I gotta change the light bulbs. Oh, man, this stain won't come out of my shirt. Oh, man, I choked at lunch today again. I keep taking too much air every time I take a bite. Babe, babe, do you know what time the dry cleaning is ready? Oh, geez. Oh, man. I got this little lump that's right behind my dick. I think it's an ingrown hair. Well, you look at it like, those are the kind of conversations I have with my husband right now.
- [60:37]
C
Now.
- [60:37]
A
And it's. But if he were to say. Instead of just kind of talking at me, and sometimes they're questions. But if he were to just say, like, hey, babe, I got a question. Do you like spaghetti or angel hair better? And you let me know because I'm thinking that maybe we do, like, a dinner tomorrow night where we make both, and then we like judge them. And then, you know, we just talk about it. What the fuck is this example? We just talk about it together in bed for five minutes before we go to sleep. What do you think? And I would be like, I love this. How did you know? I was thinking earlier that like, sometimes angel hair's too thin. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me like it's that fucking easy. Also, if jacket just comes down to the fact that this bitch is messy, hire a housekeeper, okay? People need the work. It's a great thing. I do think it is also a great idea if you can afford it in any kind of relationship, especially if you're moving in together. Hire an outside housekeeper, right? There's tons of services. And if you live in a nice apartment, I guarantee there's tons of great references. Get somebody, pay somebody well to come in and do a deep clean. Or maybe you get somebody to do laundry twice a week. Help yourselves out in those new stages of the relationship of living together by. By getting some help to keep things tidy. Because if you have somebody else come in that way, it. You don't get resentful on the chores, like dead ass serious. This is really good advice. You don't get resentful. So it's like you're leaving your shit in the sink. You're da, da, da, da. Like, obviously everybody needs to carry their own weight. But maybe if we get a housekeeper once or twice a week, whatever is affordable, you know, I think that's a really good way to. To kind of be like, hey, we're all in this together. Even if we split things this, we're going to do this together to make sure that we keep this space clean for one another. You know what I'm saying? Do you get what I'm putting out? We're all working on this together for the harmony keyword Jack. The harmony of this relationship and the fact that you're even dialed into being harmonious with your gal just makes me want to suck your dick. And I don't even know you and I'm just like so on board with how. How tuned in you are to the feminine energy and the feminine divine. And that's a beautiful thing. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [63:03]
C
Heather, my girl. I not even going to say my name because I'm literally embarrassed. I need an aunt Heather moment because I need to tell myself to stop hooking up with guys who are literally awful. I have someone to die, Cole. And he is worth literally jerked off after having sex to a girl on instagram. While I was in bed with him. I kid you not. I kid you not. While we're having sex, he's, like, trying to do all kinds of crazy. He's like, you're such a thigh. Like, we're so much hotter, like, on Snapchat, like, sending, like, nudes. Like, dad, duh, duh. Of course I was. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not a flexible Barbie doll that you can, like, snap my legs in half. Anyway, I had an extremely, like, horrible night. And like, I night. As it comes into the morning, it's 7am I am driving home as I left him at the hotel room and said goodbye, like, it was so good to see you. No, horrible. I am sorry. Done hooking up with guys that are below my pay grade. Let me tell you, they all need serious work. Anyway, that's it. That's my. Absolutely not. Thanks, girl.
- [64:22]
A
Oh, my God, this voicemail. Also, to my sweet younger listeners, please don't listen to this, but also listen to Aunt Heather's advice. First of all, this guy, this guy. This is why. Also, ladies, this is why you don't send them the nudes. Don't send them shit on Snapchat. And I don't know how young you are, young lady who called, but you know what? If a grown man, if they're above the age of 25 and they say, do you have a Snapchat? You go, no, I don't have a Snapchat. You don't have a bank account that you could put money into if you want a nude? Because you know what? I'm going to need a timestamp, and I'm going to need a cash forward payment on this one. Cash advance is what I was trying to say. No, we're done. We're done with the Snapchat. We're done. I've said it. We're done. Do you hear me? We're done. Also, you get to this guy's place or the hotel or whatever, and it's. It's not enough for him at the time, so he's just jerking it to some other girl on Instagram. Wow, I'm angry. I. My tits are literally getting hot. And not in the good way, in the way where they get itchy. And then I'm like, I'm gonna. You know what I need right now? I need those silver salad bowls and the tongs and I go back to that hotel room and I take the little tip with the. The little salad tongs and I just clip the end of his dong. Just. Just snap it twice like a snapping turtle. What a loser. Honey, I am so sorry you had to deal with this. And you know what? But here's the thing. Here is the silver lining. We have all had really horrible hooks, hookups. And. And as much as I joke about Jeff now, you know, I. I am so lucky that I have a great husband. But I'm gonna tell you, I've had some horrible hookups. I'm gonna talk about em on the next tour because everybody only sees me as, like, married. Heather, you don't understand. I understand. These calls for my single girlies. I get it. I have been there. And everybody who's married knows it's not always just, like, roses and gemstones. It's not. Marriage is essentially just, you know, having somebody who can pull the plug for you legally. You know, at the end of the day, it's. You love them, but also, like, you know, you need somebody to, like, rip the cord if they need to. And. But that's it. That's insane. You weren't hot enough. Well, first of all, this guy's name is Cole. All right, you'll get Cole. All right. Really cool. You're named after a mineral that you get in West Virginia in a cave. Real original, sir. Dude, I have a friend. I have a friend who. And this is very anonymous, y' all don't know her. She's an extended friend. But she told me that she went on a day, she got invited to this, like, fancy resort with this big concert weekend. She went with this guy. They shared a room. They were newly dating. And she woke up in the middle of the night to him jerking off behind her, her. Onto her. He had one hand on her shoulder while she was sleeping. He was jerking it behind her. So, like, she was asleep. And she said obviously, like, she. She was just like, are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Like, no, no. And we put up with this kind of dumb shit all the time. It's not good enough. Hey, Cole. Cole. Hey, Cole. What are you doing to spice things up? What are you doing to bring your A game? I bet the bare minimum is you shave the bottom of your pubes. Cole. You probably didn't even pack a toothbrush for this fucking sleepover. You were way cooler on Snapchat. You're way cooler. You were sending me hotter stuff on Snapchat. You know what? This is wrong. This is wrong with men. They see stuff on the Internet and they see the porns, and I hate to be this old woman right now, but they all get upset with like, that's what women are supposed to be like. And that's what women look like. And that's just not it. Hey, Cole, guess what? You're coming to my house with your stinky dick. I don't have time for it. Yeah, and you know what you looked like online, Cole? You looked like an upstanding citizen who went out and rocked the vote. You know what I mean? Are you going to get out there in the primaries? Probably not. And you know, it's a big turnoff to me. Somebody who doesn't exercise their right to vote in a democracy. And that is how I feel. You know who's like it. It doesn't even matter. Shut the up. Get in line. You know what I mean? That's the kind. Oh, cool. Oh, I'm sorry.
- [69:11]
C
My.
- [69:11]
A
I. I'm hotter on the Internet than I am in person. Well, you know what? Your breath is atrocious. Your breath is atrocious, your pubes are cross contaminated and your Instagram is you just hanging out with your boys doing beach volleyball when I don't know how to tell you this. The gigs up, you work in IT for a big firm and you have a basic bitch job and nobody in your little IT group likes you. And you continue to play beach volleyball every weekend because that's what you did in college. And you are still living in the past when the rest the of of us are living in the future. You were hotter on the Internet. You know, your Instagram's really misleading. Well, your dick is too. And I hope, young lady, I hope you clocked the profile of the woman whom he was touching himself to. And I hope you'd send her a DM and say if a man named Cole ever reaches out, block him. Don't let him see the. Those, those titties online. Oh, God. Go out and I don't know, volunteer motherfucker, do something to give back to the community. Instead you're sitting around jerking it. And he's probably addicted to porn because he does work in it. And I guarantee he has to go fix all the bugs on all the other men that work at the damn, you know, company. I don't know why my emails keep just closing every time I open them. Because you've been looking at porn, sir. And I want you to know I was really proud. We had Jack call in who was looking for Harmony. We had Willie Colin, who's looking to spice things up with his beautiful pregnant wife because he cares about her and they've all been to a Heather McMahon show. And then you got people like Call over here who are masturbating to other women on Instagram because you weren't hot enough in person. You know what? You're a beautiful girl and it's all fucking fake online. So. So guess what, Cole? Maybe you should register to vote and quit being a loser. You know what? Don't vote because we don't want it. Because you know what? Cole's the kind of fucking guy who writes in Kanye, and we all know that those people fucking suck. I don't give a shit what way you go these days. If you're writing in Kanye and you're sticking up for him, it's a rap. Okay, let's get back to something positive, because now Aunt Chi Chi and Heather is fired up, and I want all the young women and young gentlemen listening to me. If you're dealing with this on either side of the coin, remember, you are perfect just the way God made you. And the Internet's a lie and all of its okay, everybody uses filters. And don't feel bad about yourself because you hooked up with the nimrod like cold. Just remember, this was a learning lesson, Right? We're not going to sit all week and spiral over this. You're driving home.
- [72:03]
B
Home.
- [72:04]
A
You now know that you're raising your standards. You deserve better. And we're not going to move backwards. We're only driving forward, baby. You hear me? You hear me? And to the other gentlemen listening to this, get off Snapchat. And when you. If you are lucky enough to have a woman who is willing to touch your body against hers, you should be so lucky. I don't want to hear it. And if you are above the age of 22, get the off Snapchat. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
- [72:33]
C
Hey, Heather, it's Megan from California. I'm sitting in my car having some Del Taco after me and my husband's yearly gigantic fight over his father coming into town shows up days over a month, I would need a whole podcast to get into all of those things. But, you know, I just wanted to thank you for your show because now that I've had had a couple giggles listening to your podcast and also crinkle cut fries and nachos, because I'm literally sitting in my driveway eating whatever I want. I'm not going to give this man any of my French fries. But, you know, thanks to the laugh, I think you may have, you know, allegedly may have saved my husband's life tonight because now I probably won't go back in there and act crazy twice. But now that I have had some food, I'm a little concerned that I may have acted crazy. But we're not going to talk about that when I get in there. So. You know, anybody who needs to hear this, it's okay to eat the french fries and the nachos just by yourself. Love and light.
- [73:36]
A
You know what, Megan? I love that you were self aware enough to know that you needed to leave the house. You need to go to Del Taco. And I love this constant reminder we're not, we shouldn't be shamed in the snacks. If you're hungry, go get yourself a nacho and a crinkle cut fry. And again, I always say, do not go into an, into a fight hungry. Do not go into a serious argument with low blood sugar, anything like that. Like, I'm not even trying to be funny right now. If you don't have your levels right, if you're low on electrolytes, you should not go into your therapist's office. You make sure you get hydrated. You know, if you have a little headache, take an ibuprofen or a BC powder, whatever you need. Don't go into something emotional if you're not already set up physically with the right levels of hydration and, or nutrition. Even if you keep a jar of peanut butter in your car and you're about to walk into, you know, the Monday morning meeting, take two scoops just to get a little healthy fat in the same system. Because we all make very rash and, and, and say very hurtful things when we are not, when we're not fueled up, fueled up for success. Also, I completely understand this fight. You know, it's the once a year family conversation that just it, you know, and, and it's hard. But you know what? You know what? You knew what you had to do. Just like we were trying to tell Jack earlier. You said, how do I keep the harmony? You knew what you had to do. You had the blow up and then you said, I'm gonna remove myself from the situation right now. I'm gonna get in my car, I'm gonna go get a snack, I'm gonna get my salt levels right by getting, you know, some cheesy nachos and some crinkle cut fries. And you probably got a nice big Diet Coke or Sprite and you're sitting in the car and you're realizing it's all bullshit, we're all going to be okay. And that this is your partner in life. You got A good one. And yes, families are hard. Trust and believe. I know families are hard. But you know what? At the end of the day, you and your husband are a team. You and your husband are a team. So you got your salt levels right. You had a little giggle and listen, at the end of the day, you know that you want to go back and make things and you're going to work it out. And maybe dad doesn't stay at the house, maybe dad stays at a hotel. So that way you feel like you can have your safe space and that you don't have him lurking around the house just bitching about everything because you feel like when the father in law comes in town he's being judgmental or not helpful or is maybe, you know, misogynistic and talks down to you. So maybe we say let's put dad at the nice Marriott down the street and he can come by and hang out, but that we have our own space because we know it's not good for our marriage. Marriage for, you know, daddy Phil to come stay. There are ways that we can have a communicative conversation where we're not jumping down each other's throats. But at first. What does it start with? Hydration and nutrition. You wouldn't go to battle on an empty stomach. You also wouldn't go to battle on a full stomach. So we don't want to eat too much, but we don't want to eat too little. Get the levels up, get the salt. I like a nice electrolyte tablet. Get your. You need the perfect mixture of sodium, potassium, am, magnesium. You can't go into an emotional conversation with your partner, spouse, whomever when you don't have those salts right. It's just plain and simple. I like a 30 count of nugs. You know when I'm crying and I get it. And listen, you already know that you're in a healthy relationship. Cause you said we have our one big fight a year about X. So it's something that clearly is troublesome for both of you. But it's not like this is the fifth time this week I've had to leave the house. This is a totally healthy, normal relationship. And I'm glad we're having the conversation together about, you know that this is a point of contempt in your relationship because you feel mistreated by the father in law. Okay, so how do we find boundaries on that? How do we work through it so that you guys can work as a team? Because you're not going to let those people get in the in the way of your love and your relationship. You hear me, Megan? This is smart. You're doing the right thing. You got a little snack, you said. I got a little rumble in my rummy tum. Let me get a snack. Snack. And then we can figure out how to move forward. And I'm glad that I was able to bring you back down. I'm still fired up about the voicemail before about this douche lord Cole, but I want you to know that we're in this together. So I'm glad we brought it back down. You brought me back down. Let's silver lining pros and cons list. Pro is we know that this is our annual fight about X. You know that that's okay. We. We're acknowledging.
- [77:44]
B
We're.
- [77:44]
A
We're saying this is the issue now. How do we solve it? Because I'm all about what? Love, light, harmony, and getting dick down. Let's get one last voicemail.
- [77:56]
B
Heather, My name is Brett. I should probably not say that, but doesn't matter. Brett from Dallas, Texas, and I am calling with an absolute yes, which is you doing your Sunday night in Kentucky, and I saw you in Dallas, and I will see you in Fort Worth again because it's before the Dallas shows, because I am a main line, a one for you. And I just think it is so incredible what you're doing. And you represent so many incredible people that are so supportive of you in a world that is dark, and I hate how dark it is. But there are a community of people that you bring light to every week. And I love that. That's my. Absolutely. Yes. Is it for you doing your thing. You have the special, and then you're going on the road again. I will see you in Fort Worth. I'm on the fourth row and she ain't. She ain't small. She's sick, baby. So you're gonna see me, but I love you. Absolutely. This is you crushing it and bringing us all along. It's the best thing in the world. Love you. Love and light. Tamisha. All the things since you had like 50,000 followers. All those things. All those. All those things. I love you. You make the world a better place,
- [79:22]
A
Brett. I love you. And I didn't play this to hype myself back up. I played this because I want you to know, anytime, you know, when the boys call and leave the voicemails, it really touches me because this is what it all about. Harry's therapy is about, you know, bridging together. You know, when these ladies call me introd my Husband to your show. And then the guy's like, I'm fucking dialed in. I'm having a great time. That's what I'm here for. I want everybody to know that they have a seat at the. At the table of my comeback tour. Everybody has a seat in the audience.
- [79:52]
B
We're.
- [79:53]
A
We're all in this. It's not just for the ladies. It's for the Frenchies. It's for the dudes. Gay or straight. Great. I don't care. We're all in this. And thank you. Thank you so much for. To coming to multiple shows and supporting and thank you for just, like, leaning in and I can't wait to see you. I'll be looking for you. This is awesome. The support means the world to me. I genuinely want you to know from the bottom of my heart, I'm so, so grateful. I'm so, so grateful. And also, I might need you to come to some of these shows that we sold, like, no tickets to. You know, like, we're going to Burlington, Vermont. We've never been there. There's like, you know, three. Three people in the town. I don't know what we're going to do, but, you know, some of these places, we sell out big, big cities, and then they're like, let's try. Let's try Maine. I'm like, I'm ready to go to Maine. I'm excited. But I don't know if anybody in Maine knows me. You know what I mean? So might need to get you on that marketing PR list to get that shit out there. But I appreciate all of the love and support. And listen, this is a shout out. I know I've really been dialed in and talking to the dudes this episode, but you ladies, you know, we're all in this together. But the more dudes that come to the shows and come to the meet and greets, I'm going to think of something fun. I'm going to think of something fun and ridiculous we can do, because I would like an entourage. I'd like an entourage of, like, four nice gentlemen named Mark or Brett. And, you know, I. I need to beef up security, but I'd like. I'd like to figure that out. Then maybe we do a men's retreat. You know, I do a retreat. I do a PKP cruise with the women where we take our tops off, shake our titties and have a good time. But then maybe we dial in and do a little more. More, more emotional work with the guys. Because I feel like this would be a nice, nice bonding moment. I met a lovely couple in the Lexington airport. They literally live around the corner from me and they weren't able to see my show in Atlanta. So the husband flew his wife up for surprise and they couldn't have been cooler and couldn't have been nicer. And I was so grateful. And he was like, yeah, we had a great time and it's just doing stuff together. And you know what, ladies? This goes to both sides of the coin. Jeff loves fucking sports and I know a bitch about it. But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna do something sweet. I'm gonna surprise him with tickets to, I don't know, are the FAL Giants. Let me look that up. I'm going to take him and we're going to do a night of what he wants to do, and then he's going to do a night of what I want to do. And it may just be him bringing me a little charcuten bed, but it goes both ways. And I'm just so grateful to all of y', all, but I think we need to do some more team building exercises together. And then we're going to find Cole, this gentleman who really, really fucked around on one of our girls and we will take care of it. And I don't know what that means. That's not the threatening. You know what I mean? But it is. We're going to think tank on it, but I love that. Thank you so much for those kind words and I got so many beautiful voicemails that really are just going to tickle my taint. Thank you again for all the love and support. I cannot thank you enough. And remember, you can always call into the hotline 800-213-7503. And remember, don't get caught snacking, but also snack if you want. Love you. I mean it. I'll see you on the next time on the Absolutely Not Podcast. Riverdair Chi Chow Bella, Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on instagram @heather kmcma see you guys soon.
- [83:21]
B
For me,