Absolutely Not Podcast – “Spring Break Guardian Angels”
Host: Heather McMahan | Air Date: April 1, 2026

Episode Overview

In this high-energy episode, comedian Heather McMahan opens the “Absolutely Not Hotline” to listeners, inviting them to share their wildest “Absolutely Not” moments from spring break. Heather steers a series of hilarious, heartfelt, and occasionally hair-raising call-ins from listeners recalling their absurd and outrageous (sometimes genuinely risky) spring break experiences. From boozy golf outings with grandmas to near-misses with Girls Gone Wild crews, the episode is both a nostalgia-fueled romp and a celebration of survival instincts, delivered with Heather’s trademark empathy, wit, and irreverence.

Heather’s Updates, Tour Talk, and Life360 Mom-Surveillance

[00:00–08:17]

• Heather enthusiastically celebrates recent shows in Michigan and New Jersey, expresses excitement for her upcoming comedy special in Knoxville, and highlights her high spirits despite global chaos:
  “Having a lot of positive energy in a time where the world is unsettled, I feel grounded for once in my life.” [02:49]
• Personal update: Heather’s mother, Robin, is doing well post-surgery, but is evading doctor’s orders by driving too soon—tracked via the Life360 app:
  “It’s better than an Apple AirTag up the ass.” [01:37]
• Heather jokes about her family’s approach to privacy versus safety:
  “I will know what the back molar of your tooth tastes like if it means I’m keeping you safe.” [02:06]
• Reflection on generational differences in privacy and tracking, with a punchy take on microchipping loved ones.

Call-In Segment: Spring Break “Absolutely Not” Stories

1. Paige – Spring Breaks at The Villages

[10:00–20:35]

• Paige (mistakenly signed in as Alison) relays her tradition of spending spring breaks with her grandmother in The Villages, Florida—known for its retiree population and infamously high STD rates.
  • Paige: “I’ve been going there every spring break since I was like 16. I’m 23 now…” [10:46]
• Despite the setting, the antics are real: wine-fueled golf, line dancing, and close relationships.
  • Heather: “Since you didn’t get to sow your wild oats in high school, that’s why you are fully dating women now. You think?” [12:47]
  • Paige: “I think I knew in eighth grade, but I wasn’t… until high school.” [13:06]
• Touching moments with Paige’s supportive grandma, and humorous takes on generational divides and sexuality.
  • Paige: “My grandma... I can just, like, be open and honest about what’s going on with my sexuality. And she’s just like, ‘Okay, that’s chill.’” [17:33]

Memorable Quote:
Heather: “If you can microchip a Maltese, you should be able to microchip your loved ones.” [03:35]

2. Kevin – Bachelor Party in Baltimore: “Mission Not Spring Break”

[24:14–31:53]

• Kevin, the lone gay attendee at a straight bachelor party, recounts the (dubious) joys of three baseball games and a trip to a Baltimore strip club with North Carolina firefighters.
  • Kevin: “Absolutely not. Don’t go on a spring break bachelor party trip with only straight men.” [24:30]
  • Heather: “This is why you were doing the Lord’s work… That wasn’t a spring break. That was a mission trip.” [31:05]
• Kevin’s mission: bridging worlds, surviving awkward group dynamics, and possibly becoming the favorite of the strippers.
  • “I had one girl motorboat me for… yeah, a couple minutes.” [28:54]
• Hints of deeper friendship and long-term connections post-trip, plus comical riffs on “Disney adults” group chats.

3. Katy Lee – Daytona & San Diego Strip Club Misadventures

[32:30–47:19]

• Katy Lee details a chaotic trip for a friend’s 21st: amateur night at a San Diego strip club (without proper planning), using fake IDs, dousing judges with hand sanitizer, nearly ending up in questionable circumstances at couchsurfing hosts in Daytona, and eventually being safeguarded by a group of bikers.
  • “I got third place. My girlfriend got second… I honestly think it was the crowd’s approval.” [40:22]
  • On couchsurfing: “We pulled up, we could see two shadows of girls upstairs walking… so the Uber driver went in the house with us and we did a full walkthrough.” [43:23]
• Highlights both the reckless abandon and survival instincts that typified Millennials’ spring breaks, layered with plenty of “don’t try this at home” wisdom for the current generation.
  • Heather: “That is absolutely how you end up on an episode of the First 48.” [41:22]

4. Shannon – Gen X, Panama City Beach & ‘Girls Gone Wild’ Close Call

[50:13–58:53]

• Gen Xer Shannon recalls 1998, when she and her friends, on a Mountain Dew-fueled road trip, nearly became reality TV/softcore porn stars for “Girls Gone Wild”—before refusing to sign the infamous release forms.
  • “Thank God there was no smartphones. There was no like… recordings of it.” [52:53]
  • “We want to follow you guys checking in… here’s what we’re going to do…” [53:04]
• Heather provides a pointed cultural critique and gratitude for lessons learned:
  • “You really, truly dodged a bullet. You dodged a Girls Gone Wild bullet.” [56:10]
• Reflections on technology, parental anxiety, and the gifts of digital oblivion for older generations.

5. Violet – The Greyhound Bus from Hell to Breckenridge

[59:21–68:52]

• Longtime listener Violet describes an ill-fated college journey: a 24-hour ride on an overbooked Greyhound bus from Dallas to Breckenridge, CO for spring break skiing (with slap-the-bag Franzia in tow).
  • “We figured, nobody’s gonna be on this bus, right?… We were wrong.” [60:48]
  • “It was absolutely terrifying… Not the place for sorority girls to be traveling for 20-something hours.” [61:47]
• Adventures include rolling with mentally unstable passengers, delays, bathroom horror stories, and creative crisis management.
  • “We were literally in the snow, walking in stilettos and skinny jeans. No big coat.” [65:50]
• Heather on female survival:
  • “Doesn’t matter where you put us. We will always find our safety net… Some of the other people who’ve called in, we’ve all put ourselves in horrifically dangerous situations, but it’s still a sense of community.” [64:28]

Heather’s Spring Break/Cruise Takeaways & Closing

[69:03–End]

• Heather circles back to why spring break memories matter:
  “One of the reasons why I wanted to do this episode is I wanted to reminisce so that we could get excited for this next cruise.” [69:11]
• Teases upcoming cruise, encourages all types to sign up, and reflects on how friendships, chaos, and coming-of-age recklessness shape us.
• Final note on community, female resourcefulness, and planning for something fun amidst chaos.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Heather on safety apps:
  “If you can microchip a Maltese, you should be able to microchip your loved ones. And that’s just how I feel about that.” [03:35]
• Kevin on his “mission trip”:
  “I'm a fan of a red flag. I like to change people’s minds. You don’t know a gay person? Well, wait till you meet me, because I’m a good time.” [25:49]
• Katy Lee on caution:
  “That is absolutely how you end up on an episode of the First 48…” [41:22]
• Shannon dodging disaster:
  “We all looked at each other and we were like, no.” (on signing Girls Gone Wild releases) [54:58]
• Violet on bus travel:
  “It is not the type of place for sorority girls, you know, to be traveling for 20-something hours.” [61:47]
• Heather, closing anthem:
  “Thank you guys for trusting me with your spring break stories. And as always, I love you. I mean it.” [73:25]

Timestamps — Segment Guide

• 00:00–08:17: Heather’s opening, tour updates, Robin/Life360 saga
• 10:00–20:35: Paige: The Villages, grandma, and sexuality
• 24:14–31:53: Kevin: Straight bachelor party in Baltimore
• 32:30–47:19: Katy Lee: Fake IDs, strip club chaos, Dayona couchsurfing
• 50:13–58:53: Shannon: Gen X, Panama City, Girls Gone Wild near-miss
• 59:21–68:52: Violet: 24-hour Greyhound trip to Breckenridge
• 69:03–End: Wrap-up, cruise info, closing thoughts

Summary Style

The tone is breezy and confessional, blending retro debauchery and heartfelt community. Heather sets a joyful, inclusive air: no shame, just lessons, laughter, and admiration for the resourcefulness, friendships, and guardian angels (literal and figurative) that see us through.

Perfect for anyone who craves the spirit of found-family, ’90s/2000s nostalgia, and real stories—without having to relive the close calls themselves.