Abundant Practice Podcast – Episode #693

Title: Working With Challenging Boys
Host: Allison Puryear
Guest: J. Timothy Davis, Ph.D.
Release Date: October 8, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Allison Puryear connects with Dr. J. Timothy Davis, a psychologist specializing in boys with behavioral challenges. Their conversation centers on healthy masculinity, the unique needs of boys struggling with emotional and behavioral regulation, and practical strategies for parents and therapists. Dr. Davis draws on his extensive clinical experience—and even his time as a volunteer firefighter—to offer a fresh perspective on supporting "challenging boys." The episode aims to both inform and empower therapists eager to serve this under-supported clinical niche.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dr. Davis’ Background and Perspective

• Male Development Focus: Dr. Davis has worked in male development since a fellowship at Harvard in the 1990s (03:02).
• Clinical Specialty: His practice centers on boys whose behavior is challenging for EVERYONE—parents, teachers, siblings, and peers (03:22).
• Learning Outside the Box:
  • He discovered traditional, one-on-one child therapy models weren’t effective for these boys.
  • Sought wisdom from occupational therapists (co-regulation, sensory sensitivities), family therapists (context, dynamics), educators (school context), and even completed Gottman Couples Therapy training to address parental dynamics (03:47–04:15).

2. The Changing Landscape for Boys

• School Systems and Activity:
  • There’s less recess, less movement, and less hands-on work in schools; boys, who often need active outlets, are struggling more (05:37–06:22).
  • The “boys will be boys” mentality is outdated, but some crucial differences between boys and girls (like the need for physical activity) are now neglected.

3. What Makes “Challenging Boys” Different?

• Behaviors:
  • Difficulty with hygiene, transitions, getting off devices, handling frustration, and meeting age-appropriate expectations (06:40–07:36).
  • When parents enforce standard limits, things escalate into major power struggles.
  • Quote:

    “When parents try to do the thing we're all taught to do, have firm, consistent limits, it causes these massively escalating power struggles that just make everybody feel terrible.” — Dr. Davis (07:26)

4. The Impact of Culture and Screens

• Screen Time:
  • Devices can be “like a moth to a flame” for boys, leading to daily battles. Screens are a particular challenge because digital socializing is both “a mixed bag”—sometimes positive, sometimes risky (08:27–09:59).
  • Quote:

    "When it comes to screens, a lot of them, it's like a moth to a flame... there's all of these opportunities for battles at school or battles at home..." — Dr. Davis (08:39)

• Online Masculinity:
  • Even young boys can internalize unhealthy messages about masculinity from YouTube algorithms, but for Dr. Davis' youngest clients, feeling “like the problem child” is even more primary than gender roles (10:12–11:47).

5. Modeling and Connection in the Digital Era

• Parental Behavior:
  • When parents themselves default to “scrolling,” they model divided attention and withdrawal (12:08–12:36).
  • Dr. Davis recommends collaborative honesty:

    "[A] parent saying, hey, I'm struggling with my phone, or...Facebook too much, these things are so tempting. Let's work together... A lot of kids, especially these challenging boys... respond to that approach much more than, 'here's the new rule.'" (12:36–13:19)

• Family Tactics:
  • Allison describes allowing her daughters to call out her own doom-scrolling:

    "If they see me on my phone scrolling, they have like, full permission to say, 'It's sucking you in, Mom.' And it gives me a moment of like, oh, I don't need this. My kids are right here." (13:45–14:15)

6. Systems Failing Challenging Boys

• Empathy for Parents:
  • There’s a cultural bias towards crediting or blaming parents excessively. Dr. Davis emphasizes: “You’re not the cause, but you can be the solution.” (15:21–16:30)
    • Quote from Stanley Greenspan:

      "You're not the cause, but you can be the solution." — relayed by Dr. Davis (16:18)

  • Key drivers: temperament (intense, persistent negative emotion) and executive functioning deficits (17:36–18:56).
• Reframing Willfulness:

  “It feels like willfulness, but it's really a lack of skillfulness.” (18:43)

• Working with Schools:
  • Emphasize partnership with teachers, rather than blame. Therapist-facilitated explanations—for example, “This is not willfulness”—can support system-wide understanding (19:51–20:55).

7. Practical Strategies—The Firefighter Analogy

• The Power of Having a Plan:

  • Dr. Davis’ approach draws from firefighting:
    • Firefighters are calm in crisis because they have a plan, not because they wing it (21:00–22:15).
  • For parents: Keep a log ("parenting journal") of challenging incidents, identify the key triggers, then build an emergency plan (21:58–23:01).
  • Case Example:
    • “Josh,” age 8—trouble with transitions, especially getting to soccer practice, triggered major meltdowns. Logging these patterns helped the family make a workable, specific action plan (22:15–23:57).

• Self-Regulation for Parents:

  • If a firefighter panics, they “burn their air” and can’t do the job. Same with parents—advance planning supports regulation and keeps them from acting rashly (24:15–25:33).

  • Quote:

    "The plan makes an enormous difference... when they have a plan and they're executing what they've decided to do ahead of time, it makes it much easier to not get swept up in the drama of the moment." (25:25)

8. Prevention—Not Just Crisis Management

• Firefighters Don’t Just Fight Fires:
  • Dr. Davis’ prevention plan is about proactively teaching kids lagging skills—mirroring fire prevention efforts (25:46–26:49).
  • Example: Training RAs in fire safety—same principle applies for teaching parents to look out for and address risk factors in advance.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Davis on Outdated Masculinity (06:00):

  “Now we're in a turning point culturally. I mean, we don't want to say boys will be boys to forgive hurtful behavior. But we want to respect the differences between boys and girls and for example, the kinds of activity level that they need.”

• On Facing Blame as Parents (15:20):

  “In our culture, we give parents way too much credit when kids do well and we blame them unfairly when things go bad.”

• Empathy in Practice (16:18):

  “You're not the cause, but you can be the solution.” — Dr. Davis, quoting Stanley Greenspan

• Describing the Firefighting Mindset (21:10):

  "Firefighters stay calm and act effectively and efficiently in very, very stressful circumstances because they have a plan. They're not winging it... They arrive at the scene knowing exactly what they're going to be doing there."

Recommended Resources

• Book:
  • “Challenging Boys: A Proven Plan for Keeping Your Cool and Helping Your Son Thrive” by J. Timothy Davis, Ph.D. (21:00, 25:33).
    • Includes actionable plans for both emergency management and prevention of behavioral crises.

Segment Timestamps

| Timestamp | Topic/Segment | |-----------|--------------| | 02:35 | Dr. Davis shares his background and why he focuses on boys | | 05:06 | Age groups most affected, and the shifting school environment | | 06:40 | The specific behaviors that make some boys “challenging” | | 08:11 | Cultural changes and the impact of screens on boys | | 10:12 | Online influences on masculinity for young boys | | 12:08 | Parents' screen habits and modeling for kids | | 15:21 | How therapists can support parents of challenging boys | | 21:00 | Firefighting as an analogy—having a plan | | 22:10 | Parenting journal & case example (“Josh”) | | 24:15 | Importance of parent self-regulation & prevention |

Takeaways for Therapists

• Understanding and empathizing with families of challenging boys—it's NOT a parenting failure.
• Knowledge of neurodevelopmental, temperament, and executive functioning challenges is key.
• Advocate for partnership with schools and teachers, using non-blaming, collaborative approaches.
• Help families develop both emergency and prevention plans, inspired by crisis-response professions.
• Model honest, collaborative relationships with technology and screen use.
• For additional tools and step-by-step guidance, Dr. Davis’ book is a practical resource for therapists and parents alike.

For more information or resources, see the episode show notes or Dr. Davis's book, "Challenging Boys."