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Achieve Your Goals with Hal Elrod
629: Cracking The Man Code To Improve Your Marriage & Relationships with Mat Boggs
00:48:56
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- [00:02]
A
Hello and welcome to the achieve your goals podcast. The show that empowers you to wake up to your full potential and achieve your biggest goals and dreams. I am your host, Hal Elrod and I invite you to join us each week as we share actionable strategies to take your life to the next level, as well as interview world class experts and entrepreneurs who have achieved extraordinary goals themselves. And we ask them to give you a peek behind the curtain and teach you exactly what you need to do to do the same. Ready? Here we go.
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Foreign
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A
Today's episode is for anybody who is in a relationship or wants to be in a relationship and you ever felt confused, frustrated, hurt, or just flat out exhausted trying to make relationships work? I have been there. And whether you're dating, married, or healing from heartbreak, or simply trying to better understand your partner, this conversation is going to give you real insight into how men and women think. What the differences are between masculine and feminine energy, what each of us need emotionally, what pushes couples apart, and what actually creates deeper connection, trust and lasting love. My guest is Matt Boggs. He is a best selling author, world renowned relationship coach, quite literally, and co founder of the Brave Thinking Institutes Love and Relationships division. For nearly two decades, Matt has helped women around the world attract and create deeply connected, lasting relationships. He's appeared on the Today show, cnn, Oprah and friends and more. And his videos and coaching programs have impacted over 200 million people worldwide. His new book is called Cracking the man Code. It's the ultimate guide to understanding how men think, love, communicate so that you can create passionate, committed relationships that you deserve. In this episode, we're talking about the biggest mistakes people make in love, what men and women often misunderstand about each other, and how to create more passion, safety and connection in your relationship. Stay with us to the end because this conversation can literally change the way you love and the way that you are loved and the quality of the relationship in your life that matters most. Matt Boggs, dude, it is good to be with you again.
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B
You too, Hal. Great to be here, man.
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A
We are going to talk about relationships today. Men, women, the misunderstandings between the two that cause conflict, how we resolve it, how we can create better, more loving, more harmonious relationships with. But before we get there, I gotta talk to you about your mom. I had your mom on the podcast, episode 4 61, Mary Morrissey for those that don't know. And she's a bit of a personal development legend, a spiritual legend right in this space. And so like my first question for you and it's Just my own curiosity is what was it like being raised by a. You could say a personal development guru, if you will, in your mom, Mary Morrissey.
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B
Dude, it was so funny you asked that question. Because I will often joke because people find out, like in public settings, like, oh, Mary Morrissey is your mom. I'll go to Masterminds. And. And they'll be like, oh, my God, dude, what was it like growing up? And so I'll joke with him, whoever, long standing joke that, like, people were given good books to read. Like your parents maybe read you like Green Eggs and Ham.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And for us it was seven Habits of Highly Effective Baby. Let's go Rich Diaper, Poor Diaper. Robin Kiyosaki. I actually remember my very first personal development moment, believe it or not. And I'm like 6 years old. I don't know if you ever played with he man growing up.
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A
Of course, dude. I was a big he man fan.
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B
He Man Skeletor. So I've got the whole setup. I've got Castle Grayskull and I have these epic battles and whatnot. Well, my sister decided she's two and a half years older than me, so she's like eight or nine, I'm six. And she decided that she was going to take he man to tease me and set him up with Barbies, put him in a dress and do Barbie tea time in her room. And so, and I'm too small, I can't get him back. So she's like, got her hand on my face and like, holding me back. I'm trying to get my he man back. And she's like, no, no, he's enjoying tea time. So I, I remember I run into the kitchen, my mom's in the kitchen. And I say, mom, Jennifer's making me so mad. And I was just pissed, you know, I'm angry and I'll never forget. She leans down and she goes, matthew, nobody has the power to make you feel anything. You are choosing to get mad.
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A
Wow. Okay.
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B
And now granted, like, wow moment. But I didn't get. I was like 6 years old. But I do remember this one thing she was like. And then she said this. She goes, she probably wants you to get mad. You're playing right into it. Don't get mad. And see how quickly your he man comes back to you. And I was like, yeah, she wants me to get mad. So I walk by her room and I'm like, hey, have fun. Play with he man all you want. And I'm like, faking it though. I'm really pissed.
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A
I'm faking it.
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B
And I go to my room and I'm playing. And then like, 20 minutes later, he man's at my doorstep and, like, or at the door, and I'm like, oh, my God, that worked. And this. It was the first moment I felt this, like, little opening of empowerment of this idea that I am actually in control of my own experience regardless of the circumstances that are happening around me. Which is a big part of what you teach in Miracle Morning.
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A
Heck, yeah. I mean, that's the ultimate, arguably the ultimate personal development, elevating your consciousness realization, which is I'm actually in control of my internal state and my experience, regardless of what's going on outside of me. And no one, most people don't teach us that. Right. It's like we're conditioned to think, oh, bad things happen to me. I feel bad, and I'm only able to feel good when good things happen to me. Right. We're just the victim of our circumstances. So, dude, amazing to learn that at such a young age. And I was a huge he man fan. There's pictures of me when I was probably four or five getting the. What was it? The gray skull. What was it? The Castle of Grayskull. You mentioned it.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Yeah, man, I had. I had the whole thing. All right, so your new book, Cracking the Man Code, it's the ultimate guide to understanding how men think, love, and communicate so that you, whoever's listening, we can create the passionate, committed relationships we deserve. I want to dive into this, and I want to start here. You've spent the last 20ish years. How many years in relationship coaching and expertise?
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B
Yeah, I got certified. My first book came out in 2007. Yeah. So 19 years.
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A
19 years. Okay. All right, so let's start here. What do most women misunderstand about how men think, how men love, and how men communicate?
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B
So this was a. And I don't think it's just women, but men and women in terms of understanding that we have a core energy that we're coming from that is either masculine or feminine. Now, the big thing that we misinterpret is that we tend to think you're either all one or all the other, but we're actually both masculine and feminine. And it's like a spectrum or a scale where we can slide up and down. And so today, life is so dynamic where we will use an energy, usually it's masculine, in the entrepreneurial space or the business world, to get ahead, to get stuff done, to be productive, and then we Have a really hard time shifting into the energy that we want for relationships. But to understand that masculine and feminine energy are polar energies, they attract one another. And because they're polar and they attract one another, they also do the opposite, which is repel one another romantically. So for me, I was, I'm naturally home based, more of a masculine guy. But ironically speaking of my older sister, she was my mentor in dating when I was growing up. And so I watched her date and have all this success using very feminine strategies and tactics. I was like, well, that's working for you. I'm gonna master those skill sets. And so I got really good actually at being way more feminine when attracting a partner. But then I'd shift into my masculine kind of once things got grounded in the rhythm and whatnot. And because the women I were attracting were more home based in their masculine, we would butt heads, we would have conflict. And I had no clue what was going on. I was completely blind to this idea of what these ways of being even looked like. And so once I began to discover this and study it and learn, it completely changed my love life. In fact, it was in experimenting with my masculine energy that actually was the day that I met my wife. I was like learning this. Okay, I'm going to be, I'm going to take the lead, I'm going to pursue, I'm going to actually risk. I'm going to go ask her for the number. I got really good at like inviting women in and then waiting until they asked me for my number and so on and so forth. But this particular day I was like, okay, I saw my wife. I walked right up to her, I struck up the conversation, I asked her out. It was a. And it was so nervous. Making it was so much riskier for me. But ultimately it led me to the greatest love story of my life.
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A
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B
We have been married. Coming up on 17 years. We got married in 2007. Or no, sorry, met in 2007, married in 2011. Yeah. So 15 years. We'll be married 15 years.
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A
What comes up for me right now is you talk about masculine and feminine energy, which I, interestingly enough just read another book about. So this is top of mind for me. What is healthy masculinity and what is toxic masculinity? Right. That was a buzzword the last few years, this toxic masculinity. And so what's the difference between a healthy masculine and I don't know if that's for men or for and or for women. I'm thinking more men, but maybe for both. But what's the difference?
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B
Yeah, well, men tend to live more just society in the way we're raised and our biochemistry tend to live more in their masculine. And women will and can tend to live more in their feminine. But like we're saying, it's a decision we make and a natural home base for us and it'll all be a mixture. So toxic masculine is dominating, it's threatening, aggressive, it's controlling, often selfish, detached, like not emotionally engaged. These are all demonstrations of what people would perceive as masculine energy, but it's distorted, it's toxic, it's not healthy. And there's toxic feminine energy, like feminine energy. Toxic feminine energy would be weak, submissive, like, like people want to gag when they hear feminine energy because they associate it with being passive or needy or manipulative or submissive, all of these things. And that's completely false. Where healthy feminine energy, for example, isn't weak or passive, it's incredibly strong. It can be incredibly proactive. But it's receiving, it's nurturing, it's collaborative, it's heart centered, it's invitational. Whereas healthy masculine, like, where feminine is receiving, masculine is providing. Where feminine is nurturing, masculine is protective. Where feminine is collaborative. Let's all work together as one team, which is highly valuable in the business sense. Right. Masculine is competitive, which is also valuable in its own right. Masculine is more head centered. Feminine is more heart centered. Masculine is pursuing. Feminine is invitational. Feminine is beautifying, masculine is more practical. I talked to my niece and nephew recently. We just went to this wedding and they're in their 20s and they just moved into this new place together. And he was like, they were talking about furniture that they had just bought and all of these things. And he was like, why do we need 10,000 pillows on our bed? I only use one pillow. I don't need 10,000 pillows. If it was me, it would be the big screen TV and the couch and the house is done. And she like, is. She's beautifying the whole place and, and that's just more feminine energy. So again, we all know men and women who have got all of these traits, the ones that we tend to gravitate towards, that's where we're either leading more masculine or more feminine.
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A
And yeah, it would think that in a, in a harmonious relationship. Right. That, I mean, all of those qualities are important. Like while, while the feminine energy is nurturing, there are times as a man, I think you should be nurturing to your wife. Right. Loving, supportive, caring. And there are times where you should be leading and protecting and providing for.
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B
Yes.
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A
Yeah. What do you think most men and most women, being that your book's called Cracking the Man Code, my brain keeps going toward this is for women, but it's really for all of us. What do most men and women wish the opposite sex understood about them, but maybe they don't know how to communicate it?
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B
Yes, I love that question. Because we tend to love people how we're wired up and how we want to love and be loved. And like Gary Chapman wrote the Five Love Languages. Brilliant. We talked a lot about that. So we tend to give the love in the way that we want to receive the love. And the same thing goes if you're more masculine or you're more feminine. So if you've got more masculine energy, one of the deepest needs that you have is to have your thoughts respected because your self worth is wired up in what you're providing. And what you're providing is directly related to the decisions you're making the strategy, you're bringing the plans that you're bringing and so to have those around you. So how do we know that our thoughts are respected? Like, what does that look like? What is the other person doing that subconsciously communicates? They either are respecting our thoughts and believing in us as a provider or not. One of the primary ways of being that supports the masculine energy is by trusting the plan. If you're relaxed, if you're trusting, if you're not micromanaging or criticizing, then that says, hey, I believe in you, I believe you can do this, I believe you can provide. I believe that you're the partner that I want you to be. Which is core to the masculine energy. Core to most men. Like if we feel like that's not in place, it is something that will either completely emasculate us, completely deflate us, or we'll bust out and go find somebody else. I mean, it's core. On the other hand, feminine energy, because it's heart centered, is about having their feelings respected. And I do, I've done, I've coached thousands of thousands of women in helping them manifest their man. And when asking what, what qualities are you looking for and how do you want to feel when you're in this relationship? And it's so funny what men will say and what women will say because one of the primary things a woman will say is I want to feel safe, I want to feel secure. So that idea of being safe and so it's having is feeling safe and having her feelings cherished versus the thoughts respected. And so because the masculine is about providing, which is very much what goal oriented, achieving the goal that gives us this hit of dopamine, we want that we will overlook when our partner, if our wife or the feminine energy, sometimes in same sex relationships, you'll have one that's more feminine, one that's more masculine. So the feminine energy will bring a problem like, hey, I'm struggling with this at work, or so on and so forth. And we'll immediately go and do, well, have you thought about this? And here's the solution and this and that. And we'll miss the deeper need of just feeling understood, feeling cherished, feeling validated. So one of the great techniques is if your man's venting to you and he's like, hey, this is going on and that's going on, we can ask what role do you want me to play right now? Do you want me just to receive what it is you're saying, being a sounding board or Are you listening?
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You mean if your woman is venting or you said man is venting. Did you mean man or woman?
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Well, actually, either way, either partner is. Well, do you want me to play right now? Yeah, like. And generally speaking, if you know your partner is feminine energy the first and most valuable thing we can do, and I'm sure you know this from being in your partnership, it's validate what their
- [17:57]
A
experience if you struggle to fall asleep or stay asleep. I have a supplement that I take that I've taken for about three years now, virtually every single night. I highly recommend it. It's called Nightcaps by Cured Nutrition. It is a CBN and CBD oil supplement and CBN supports your body's natural sleep rhythms throughout the night for deep restorative sleep that leaves you feeling refreshed and ready to rise in the morning. Highly recommended. I book in my days with Cured Nutrition. I take their flow gummies in the morning, I take nightcaps at night. And you can get 20% off of both of those products. As a listener of the achieve your goals podcast, head over to curednutrition.com/hal. That's curenutrition.com/forward/hal and use the discount code HAL for 20% off your entire order. And if you do a subscription, which I do a monthly subscription for both of those products, you get an additional 20% off that stacks on top of the 20% as a listener, so you can save a bunch of money and it'll help you fall asleep and stay asleep again. Cured Nutrition Nightcaps in the evening. And I start my day with flow gummies every single morning. And I hope these products will help you and enhance your life as they have for mine. Enjoy the rest of the episode. I've messed this up more times than I can count. It's like this is a huge area of conscious incompetence, right? Which is like my wife has told me, I just want you to listen, I just want you. And then when I'm intentional and I'm conscious and I'm aware I'm able to do that. But very often, right, like my nature is, oh, here's how to solve the problem or here's how to give the advice that your mom gave, which is like, hey, don't let that other person affect your mental, emotional well being. You're in control. And that never is what my wife wants to hear.
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B
So I've come up with a couple good hacks for this because if you're conscious, competent like you're saying, we Know that we should listen and validate the masculine we so badly wanted. Do something.
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A
Yeah.
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That achieves a goal. Like, I don't know if you do this, but my friends and I, like, we were just in. At a wedding in Cabo. We can't just swim in the pool and connect and talk. Like, we have to invent a game. Like, we invented this little Frisbee shuffleboard game. Who's gonna win? We got, like, we're just immediately playing a game and competing all the time. And so we want to do something. So if we're not aware that listening and reflecting to our partner is actually doing something, we will get this incredible unrest in us. Like, well, like, I'm not doing anything. I need to, like, solve the problem for her. I need to take her. Like, I need to fix this. And so. But if we can, the hack is in our own brain to know that just by receiving her and honoring what it is she's saying or validate what she's saying, we can imagine her being filled up with oxytocin. Like, we can imagine. Oh, I'm actually feeling her. Her tank right now. And it's the easiest job in the world. On the other hand, ladies, if you want to help your man do this, it's called goalify. The conversation where you tell him what role you want him to play. Like, if you want him to help you brainstorm and solve, tell him that. But if not, say, hey, honey, something's on my heart right now. I'm feeling super stressed about this. Or I've got this challenge going on. I would love to just vent for, like, five, 10 minutes and just have you hear this and just empathize with me. Would you be willing to do that? I want you to solve it. Like, now we've got a goal to achieve and a timeline to achieve it. Your man will rise to the occasion in whole new ways if we put this on just by understanding this dynamic
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A
now, what do you say to the woman who says, my man should know that by now? I shouldn't have to tell him? Because I've heard that for sure before.
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B
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like saying, I should know math without ever going to school. Like, relationship skills. These aren't things that we are taught in school, and they're not instinctual because your man wants to solve a problem. In other words, like, one of the ways. One of the primary feel good chemicals for the feminine is oxytocin.
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Yeah.
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The way we get oxytocin is through connection in staring in Each other's eyes or simply talking gives us oxytocin, because that's more connection. So you look at the way women talk in conversations, and they'll often use way more words. They'll elaborate the conversation, they'll elongate, they'll tell every single detail of this conversation. And the man is going, where is this going? Like, what's the point? Why? Because for the masculine, it's not oxytocin, it's dopamine. And the dopamine gets received by achieving a goal, hitting an outcome. And so in a conversation, the point is the goal, and the outcome is, what are we going to do about it? Right. And so just understanding that, oh, we're literally wired up with different chemical makeups. It can help you understand, okay, he's literally experiencing this differently than I am. There's a technique called give your man dopamine time. Like, if you notice he's frustrated and he's kind of irritable and, like, you don't really, like, like, what's going on with him. Think back. When was the last time he went and hung out with the fellows or got time away going to do something active where he wasn't in his brain doing business or he wasn't connecting with family or being dad to the kids? Yeah. And often is. One of the solutions is called dopamine time, where you're like, look, you need to go surfing or golfing or go hang out with the buddies or go poker with them. Like, do something where you're actually competitive. And he will come back feeling a completely different way because his feel good chemical had gotten depleted and now it fills back up.
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A
Yeah. I love that. I just did that this last weekend. I don't know that I've done this as an adult. I'm a part of Front Row Dads. It's a mastermind. And me and three of the other dads who meet once a month, we decided, let's do a sleepover. Let's actually pick a guy's house and stay the night and watch movies and talk and hang out. We played 18 games of pickleball in less than 24 hours.
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B
There you go.
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A
And we watched Old School. I mean, like, right? And we had a phenomenal conversation about life and business and marriage and parenting and all of the above. And of course, we all. I mean, we're filled up. We're like, dude, we're doing this, like, at least once a quarter. This is amazing.
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B
So. And yes. And so, like, in that moment where you come back and your tank is filled up and that dopamine is filled up, and we are way more wanting and willing to pour into our wives and. And meet their needs and so on and so forth. Because you have that awareness to say, let. Let's do a sleepover. Dude, that's so cool.
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A
Well, and to be fair, the week before, my wife was in Cabo for four days with eight other women at a house, also playing pickleball. You can tell what we like to do as a hobby. One of our shared hobbies. Right. But yeah, so it's like we actually both. I didn't really think about that until I'm saying it right now, which is like, she got four days with her friends, she got filled up, and I got one night with my friend, you know? So, yeah, I think that's so important to. Well, in fact, let me ask you that. How does that look for a busy couple where it's like, we're busy. We've got the kids. I actually want to ask you. I guess the. The topic would be rituals, right? Like, how important is date night? How important is getting time with your friends for a woman, with. For a man? And what might that look like in a logistical. Strategic scheduling? Like, how often? Any thoughts on that?
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B
Well, one of the things I wanted to do when I started my journey of figuring out what the hell I was doing wrong in relationships and why it wasn't working, and the realization that my mom coming back to Mary Morrissey helped me realize was that I was at the center of every one of these failed relationships. Like, if you're noticing a pattern going on, it's typically not out there. It's in here. And so I went on a crazy, wild journey of interviewing America's greatest marriages.
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A
Okay.
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B
As a bachelor with my best friend. And we went. We got in an RV and we drove 12,000 miles, and we interviewed over 300 couples for their secrets to what makes love last. Now, these couples had all been married over 40 years and reportedly had happy marriages. And so there's an argument that, oh, well, it was a different era and a different time, which in some cases was true. But I believe that principles that are timeless and work, they always work. And so one of the elements was these rituals where they talked about keeping the romance alive. And the only way to do that, the best way to do that, is to nurture the friendship. And having. It's an interesting dynamic that the romance is actually the foundation of the romance is built on the friendship. And so what are you doing that's fun together? That you both enjoy together the common interest together. I mean, some people it's, let's go to the museums as other people, they love movies. Other people say they want to play card games and so on and so forth. But having a regular, repeated commitment, commitment on the value of connection, that we're going to do this. Like, for us, it's every Friday night. And so grandma comes and we leave the kids and the kids get mad and they're. Or the kids get like, oh, I don't want you to go. And we tell them, we say, hey, we're investing in each other so that we can come back. We say, this way we fill each other up with love so we can come back and give that love.
- [27:44]
A
All right, let me ask you a question. How many apps are you using for your personal development? Maybe a meditation app like Calmer Headspace, an affirmation app like I Am, or Think Up, a book summary app like Blinkist, a journaling app like 5 Minute Journal, a visualization app like Envision, an exercise app like 7 Minute Workout, and maybe even a habit tracking app to keep it all together. That is a lot to manage and a lot to pay for. What if you could replace all of them with just one app? Yes. It is called the Miracle Morning app and it is essentially seven apps in one. Hundreds of guided meditations and breathwork tracks, a full library of affirmations, plus tools to create your own visualization prompts for 10 key areas of your life. Guided workouts from 2 to 10 minutes long, book and audiobook summaries of top personal and professional development books, and a journaling tool with guided prompts. The Wheel of Life or a blank page to write freely. It simplifies your morning, saves you money, and helps you start every day with clarity, purpose, and energy. And it's one of the only apps in this space with a 4.9 out of 5 star rating. Try it free for 7 days. Just search Miracle Morning in your app store or go to miracle morning app.com to get started. All right, back to the show. How old are your kids, by the way?
- [29:05]
B
My kids are 7, 8, and 11.
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A
Okay.
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B
And they get it, man. And they get it. And what's something that you and your wife do on a consistent basis that helps you stay connected?
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A
Yeah, for us, it's pickleball. So we were doing date nights for a while, and what would end up happening is they would get heavy. Like all the things would come up that we hadn't talked about, and then all of a sudden we're fighting on a date night or we're just going to dinner and it just kind of felt robotic. And so we both really like pickleball. And spending time with other couples also is right. I think that's a really fulfilling experience as a couple. So every Friday for roughly two hours, like 9 to 11am Every Friday we go play pickleball with a few other couples.
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B
Nice.
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A
And that has been transformative because we're playing on the team, we're having fun and then we usually go out to lunch afterwards. So it becomes like an extended date day, if you will, where it's like a couple hours plus an hour of lunch. Really get to connect. And then something that we just added to our calendar a few days ago, we haven't even done our first one yet. So I'll let you know how this goes next time we talk. But is a marriage reconnection walk. So every evening the goal, it's in the schedule recurring seven days a week and it'll probably happen three or four days a week. But it's after dinner that her and I are going to go on a 30 minute walk together around our property. And so that way it's a daily thing where we get to share appreciation, share anything that we want to that's on our mind that we want to discuss. And really creating like a safe environment where we go into it going, hey, all right, this is the part. Let's first let me share what I appreciate about you. We start there and then we're going to go into like, is there anything that we need to address that's like a challenge or a misalignment or anything in a really safe place, loving place. And so that container is there. So then that's the goal. It's a daily thing so that stuff doesn't build up and then it comes out sideways, that kind of thing.
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B
I love that you guys do that on a daily basis. The research shows like I'm a big student of Dr. Julian John Gottman out of the University of Washington.
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A
Oh yeah, John Gottman is.
- [31:10]
B
Yeah, they're brilliant. And, and they talk about. A minimum is a once a week logistics meeting so that your date night doesn't turn into the logistics meeting where you're just going through all the to do's that you have to do and all of that. So it's a meeting is usually on Sundays or you pick whatever day you want. But it's like we're going to sit down and we're going to map out the week and get in connection, get in Sync and do all the logistics of running this house together so that whatever the connection time is can be fueled with fun. Because that's the whole thing is like, let's make this fun. I want to comment on something that you just said around, like, what if one of your needs isn't being met? Like, you guys have to, say, have a container where you can bring up the ways in which you want the needs to be met. And how do you bring up these ideas even if you don't have that container? And so what? Both the America's Greatest Marriages reported and John Gottman's research backs this up. The single greatest foundation for a loving relationship is respect. And both people. It's not just men or women or masculine or feminine. Both people require this respect to be able to have this loving, trusting relationship. The number one thing, there's actually four things that erode respect. The number one is criticism. And it's not even if the person is actually criticizing you. If you feel they're criticizing you, like, your interpretation, your hallucination of whatever they've said is. Is, I'm not enough for this other person. I'm dropping the ball. I'm falling short. Is that that, over time, erodes respect. And oftentimes we've learned, and the feminine particularly will learn to request things in a way that the masculine interprets as criticism. I'll just give you an example. Like, let's say she wants to spend more time together and feel more connected. So she'll come up and she'll say, I mean, there's one that literally is from something my wife and I, a couple years ago, she said, we're brushing our teeth at night. And she goes, honey, I'm feeling really distant from you right now. And I was like. Like, I could feel my heart just sink. Like, my stomach went into knots. And I was like, I am. Holy shit, man. I'm failing.
- [33:29]
A
Failing. I get that. Yep. I get it, man. Yeah, keep going.
- [33:31]
B
All these alarm bells went off. Like, in other words, I misinterpreted that as you're not doing a good job as my partner right now. And so I'm feeling really distant from you. Like, and so it'll come out like, things like this. We never go on date nights anymore. Yeah, like, you never take me out anym. You used to be so romantic. And you're not. You're not, you're not. Those things get misinterpreted as criticism as you're failing. And that sparks the biggest fear the masculine has, which is inadequacy. If the drive is to provide and to protect and to accomplish and to be everything that you want us to be. If we're falling, if we're inadequate of that, it's so what? Most the unconscious pattern is defensiveness. And we will then argue for why we are still, which is immediately. And I know this stuff. And I still slipped into this pattern where I was like, what do you mean? We're feeling disconnected.
- [34:27]
A
I've done this. I've done this.
- [34:32]
B
So anytime you hear your man argue for why what you just said is wrong, you can have what's called x ray vision argument. X ray vision to say, oh, he's not trying to prove me wrong. He's trying to argue that he's actually doing a good job as my man. Like, he's trying to argue that he's enough for me. Because subconsciously, that's why we're saying I did this, this, this. Because we don't want to be the guy that you're going to leave because we're not enough.
- [35:01]
A
Yeah.
- [35:01]
B
And so the idea is instead, ask for what you want. Like, knowing that he's got masculine energy, knowing he's mission driven is to golify the request where you say, hey, honey, I would love to feel even more connected to you. Would you be willing to create some time for us to connect this weekend? Whether that's a walk or we go out to a cool new restaurant, or would you be willing to create some time for just you and I? Would you do that for me? That would help me feel so loved.
- [35:32]
A
Yeah.
- [35:33]
B
Boom. Your man is going to respond in a 180 degree from, I'm not feeling connected to you. You're doing a bad job. I hear women will say this all the time in my coaching. They're like, I, I want to spend more time with you. Like, okay, but that's a really bad request. What does that mean? Yeah, like, how do we know if we're actually hitting the mark? Like, hey, I would love us to hang out. I would love to do at least one more date a week or one more fun thing that we're doing a week. Like, what is more time actually mean? Like, I want you to be more affectionate. What does that mean? Like, my wife said, we have this conversation a couple years ago, and she was like. I said, well, what is that? I'll give you another example. She said, I want you to talk dirty to me. I want you like, text dirty to me.
- [36:19]
A
Okay.
- [36:19]
B
I was like, all right, that's the
- [36:20]
A
greatest text you could get from your wife, man.
- [36:22]
B
I got like, I'm in, dude. I'm in. So I start, like, in the middle of the day, I'm like, send her this text.
- [36:27]
A
Yeah.
- [36:27]
B
And I get this response back. Yeah, no, not that dirty. Oh, my gosh. Like, fail, right? Like. Like, what does this, like, talk dirty? So vague. Like, what does it mean? So we had to get really clear on, like, what did she want out of that interaction. So I want you to be more affectionate. Like, I would love it if you came up behind me in the kitchen and gave me a hug from behind. Like, it's one of my favorite things. Like, my wife made that request. Well, now I can do that. I can hug her and squeeze her, and she melts into me, and it's one of the greatest things ever. Now I know I can hit the mark.
- [37:01]
A
Yeah, I love that, man. I relate to everything you're saying so much as a man. And. And I'm actually curious on an example, if you could give an example of the opposite. Right. So you just gave the example that when a woman is telling her, man, I feel distant from you. And that's where I. So I'm like, that's my unconscious reaction interpretation is I'm failing. I'm letting her down. And then I always go to defensiveness. I always start listing off all the things that I have been doing or done to try to make her feel loved and connected. Right. And then it just creates this conflict. So what does that look like for the man? Right. Meaning what does when the man criticizes? Because I know that for me, if I tell my wife, for example, hey, I really would love if you didn't get this food. I'm looking at the ingredients, and it's got this unhealthy ingredient that I don't want our kids to be eating. Well, that does not go well for my wife. She now feels like she's failing as a mother, and she's right, and she gets really defensive and protective. So I'm wondering if it's just kind of universal for both sides, based on how you frame it, that we both feel criticized or if there's any nuance or difference in how a woman interprets a man's criticism, even if it's constructive and how a man might shift. You just kind of give an example how a woman could shift. Right?
- [38:22]
B
Yeah.
- [38:22]
A
Instead of saying, I feel distant from you, it's like, hey, I would love to feel more connected to you. And here's specifically what that would look like. Are you open to that? What does that look like for the man? The reverse.
- [38:33]
B
So there's two examples that require two different frameworks. And so one of them is where she's bringing a criticism. So just like interpreting the man's defensiveness with X ray vision, that he's trying to be enough for you. If our partner who has feminine energy, if it's comes to us and says it's often one of the techniques that they'll use is using very emotionally charged words because they're heart centered and they want to express how they feel. So for example, my wife, when we were dating, came over to hang out and she was feeling really frustrated that she had been driving more to my house than me to her house. And it was a 40 minute drive. So I get in the car and she's pissed off already and she says, I always drive to your house. You never drive to my house. I'm carrying all the weight in this relationship. X, Y, Z. And I literally just learned, I like read a book and learned this particular principle that afternoon. And so it's the iceberg technique. So it's what's the presenting language that's like above the water, but then realizing that there's all this emotion below the water, that that's really what the feminine wants validated, to come back to validating the emotion. And so instead of getting defensive, reactive, justifying ourselves and our position, it's just do the first move is to reflect what you hear them communicating, not even saying. And so I said, really what I hear you communicating is that you're feeling really frustrated. And so you acknowledge the feeling. I'm noticing you feeling really frustrated that and you feel like you're driving to my house way more than I'm driving to your house. Because there was a part of me that wanted to get defensive. I had driven to her house twice that week. But was it true that she had driven way more to me? A hundred percent, 100% true. And so the moment I just reflected that back, I could see her entire energy, like her guard just dropped. She was like, yeah, I'm super frustrated. And then I said, well. And so what I'm hearing you ask for is you would love to share in the responsibility or have me carry it for a while and me drive to you. Is that what you want? And she was like, yeah, that's what I want. And I said, I am in for that, 100% in. And she was like, okay. Then we had a great date night. It almost went way sideways if I had responded unconsciously and just Defended my position. So the technique is. And this comes from Dr. Gay Hendricks. Give credit where credit is due. He's one of my mentors. It's called how do you ask for a need to be met? Like, you want your kids to eat a healthier cereal than the one that you guys are currently buying. Right. So how do you ask for that request? And so there's five steps, and most people miss the first one. The first one is to set the intention for the conversation and say it often goes something like this. Like, hey, the reason I want to bring something up is a little bit of an uncomfortable conversation. But the reason I want to have this conversation is so that you and I feel even more close, even more on the same page, have an even stronger relationship.
- [41:36]
A
I love that.
- [41:37]
B
And that's a really, really good phrase. Even stronger versus so that we have a better relationship means, like, the relationship not good.
- [41:44]
A
Yeah, even.
- [41:45]
B
Even better relationship.
- [41:46]
A
That's amazing. That's ninja right there. I love that. And it's universal. Everything you bring up ideally should be so you have an even stronger relationship. You're even more on the same page. I love that.
- [41:59]
B
Yeah, totally. So good. And then the second one, so it goes set the intention. Second is state what you see, then state how you feel, state what you would love, and then ask for their perspective on it and create a common agreement. So it's something like in this serial example, it was, hey, honey, I want to have. It may not even be an awkward conversation. Right. But you can say, hey, honey, I want to talk to you about something so that you and I can be even more on the same page in terms of how we're parenting our kids. Is now a good time? So now they want that same thing. So you're both. Now, instead of adversarial, you're coming from the same position. You say, hey, I'm noticing that we have this cereal, and it's got this particular ingredient in it. And I'm feeling scared or I'm feeling concerned because I read these articles that are saying that these things create this result in our kids.
- [42:56]
A
Yeah.
- [42:56]
B
And what I would love. And I know you want the same thing as our kids, to be healthy and our kids to this and that. And so I would love either to find a different kind of cereal or for you and I to brainstorm another solution to this. Would you be up for that? And what's your perspective? And then it gives them the ability to meet us. So often, what will happen is one person just criticizes the other person.
- [43:17]
A
Yeah. Why Are you buying this for the kids? That doesn't work.
- [43:21]
B
Yeah. Why? Like, this is horrible, or you're doing the wrong thing or this and that. But they don't. Like we don't spend enough time together, but they don't actually say what they want. And that's. So step number four is, here's what I would love, is the solution to where we're going. Because there's A great phrase Dr. Pat Allen said, and I agree with this. The way we know we love each other is by the agreements we're willing to make and keep with one another. And so having a great relationship is all about making clear agreements and then both living into those agreements, knowing that we don't have to be perfect. We might drop the ball, we might make a mistake. But seeking to then reestablish the agreement and live into it is so important because now you have a. That's how people can feel safe and trust that we're both going to get our needs met in this relationship.
- [44:10]
A
So right now I can tell your depth of expertise around relationships through this conversation and that we could keep going on and on and on. And also I'm like, man, I'm going to go back and review the transcript from this conversation because there's so many. Just the words, the language, the nuance in how you phrase things, that's so valuable. And that leads me to your book, Cracking the Man Code, right? Having this in writing, ideas that we can underline, circle, dog ear, revisit, talk about this book specifically, who is it for? What are they going to get out of it, that kind of thing.
- [44:45]
B
So I have been asked for by my coaching clients who are women who want to create phenomenal relationships with their partner for years to write this book. And I'm so grateful that it's out. And what's funny too is I also wrote it for my two daughters. Said eventually they're gonna want this as well. And so this is the deeper psychology of the masculine and feminine and how to create really beautiful, deep connection and attraction and best practices for those relationships. And so it's like you said earlier, it's framed and written for women. But the truth of the matter is that men and women will get a ton of value out of this. So really understanding when we talked about the X ray vision, why the other person is coming from that position, what the deeper psychology and the deeper biochemistry is that drives it. Because if we can understand the why of the motivation, it helps decharge our own reactivity. We don't get Nearly as triggered by other people's behavior. We're able to keep our own center, our own groundedness, and we're able to understand our own selves better and the needs that we have. So that's one beautiful dynamic that comes out of this. And then the second are communication frameworks for let's say your husband's working on something or your partner's working on something and you want to give a suggestion, but you don't want it to come across as micromanaging or criticism because you know that that is going to create distance. So how do you actually phrase it? In a way that ignites him and draws him in versus pushing him away. So it's got a ton of examples of actual verbiage things to say, how to turn conflict into closeness. All of these. How to get your needs met in a way that brings you closer together versus further apart. All of these scripts is really, really good.
- [46:31]
A
I love it, man. I know you also have an event going with the book. Where's the best place to get the book? Connect with you more, learn from you, be part of the event. All the things.
- [46:41]
B
Yeah. So to be part of this experience in the event and the movement of really increasing love in the world, starting with ourselves is crackingthemancode.com and we have the book launches on March 24th and then on the 26th we have a live virtual three hour event where we're going to go deep into these concepts. We've got exercises, we've got tons of value coming out of that event. It's a free virtual event for anyone who wants to attend. And so that's the best place to go because we've also added a really beautiful compilation of resources that are free bonuses, like $300 worth of free bonuses when people buy the book. And so they can grab all of that@crackingthemancode.com Amazing.
- [47:23]
A
Well, I will be going to that site to get all of the bonuses. This is a book that I feel like I need right now in my life and my wife. In fact, I'm going to see about us reading it together. This is one that occasionally as a couple we get on the same page and read a book together. So yeah man, thank you for the work you're doing in the world because I do believe that arguably the most impactful thing in our lives is the quality of our relationships. But specifically the quality of our relationship with our significant other makes more of an impact than anything else when that is going well. And I love what you said earlier about friendship being at the core. That's one thing that this weekly pickleball, since my wife and I started it, I don't know, four or five, six months ago, our friendships developed or it's deepened. Right? It's like we're having fun, we're playing, we're high fiving, we're winning. So it's like, I love that as the core. And yeah, cracking the man code dot com. Everybody head over there. And Matt, I'm so grateful that we got connected and look forward to just deepening our relationship, our friendship, man. Thank you so much for the work that you're doing and putting this book into the world.
- [48:24]
B
Thank you, Hal. I appreciate it, man.
- [48:27]
A
All right, everybody, we love you. We'll see you next week. Thanks for listening. To learn more about the Achieve your Goals podcast and to get access today's show notes, transcript and exclusive content from hal Elrod, visit Halelrod.com podcast thanks again for joining us.
- [48:43]
B
Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of the Achieve your goals podcast. Sam.