Eugene Mirman + Jordan Morris and Jesse Thorn (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show Classics: Eugene Mirman + Jordan Morris & Jesse Thorn

Podcast: The Adam Carolla Show
Date: May 24, 2026 (Carolla Classics compilation)
Featured Classic Episodes:

• ACS #477: Eugene Mirman, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop (2011)
• ACS #631: Jordan Morris & Jesse Thorne (2011)

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Episode Overview

This "Carolla Classics" episode is a two-parter, revisiting standout moments from the Adam Carolla Show's earlier years. The first half features comedian and actor Eugene Mirman—best known for his work on Bob’s Burgers—engaging with Adam and the gang for a fast-paced conversation featuring signature Carolla rants, sharp culture talk, and plenty of irreverence. The second half is a one-on-two interview between Adam and podcasting pioneers Jordan Morris and Jesse Thorne (of "Jordan, Jesse, Go!"), digging into topics from fatherhood and growing up, to media culture and generational trends.

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Part 1: Eugene Mirman, Allison Rosen & Brian Bishop (#477, 2011)

Key Discussion Points

Blowhards, Narcissism, and Hollywood Types

• Adam riffs on Hollywood "blowhards", suggesting a competition to find the biggest windbag:

  “There should be a blowhard competition…I would really, I would like a battle of the blowhards.”
  (04:36, Carolla)

• Debate on how to scientifically measure narcissism using a functional MRI—by showing people photos of themselves and watching their brain light up.

  “I would like every human being I come across with, hook them up to that functional MRI machine and just show them a picture of them and see what happens.”
  (07:01, Carolla)

• All agree: Tyra Banks would be a heavy favorite in the "blowhard" Olympics.

Hollywood’s Unfunny "Comedy" Gatekeepers

• Adam and Mike Lynch slam the lackluster bar for humor among TV execs and sitcom “comedy” teams:

  "I have been devastated by how unfunny most the people I'm forced to collaborate with have been in this town...especially the friends of my mom, who run the networks..."
  (38:13, Carolla)

• Detailed anecdote: how sitcom and punch-up rooms are run by people announced as "hilarious" but rarely deliver anything funny.

  “They haven't fucking come up with one funny thing. And those are the funny guys, right?”
  (39:01, Carolla)

Naming Kids & Society’s Rules

• They mock the Vatican and Pope Benedict XVI’s call to avoid trendy baby names and stick to biblical names:

  “What's wrong with DeShawn? It wasn't in the Old Testament?”
  (13:17, Carolla)

• Adam proposes a child name regulatory body (like the DMV for license plates) to prevent parents from naming kids outrageous things.

Culture, TV Ratings, and Conan O’Brien

• Rant on Conan O’Brien getting $40m not to work, and resentment toward public sympathy for the late night host.

  “Please, somebody, screw me over. Please somebody give me that kind of reaming. Please. Fucking whining dick.”
  (20:20, Carolla)

• Adam and crew discuss TV’s antiquated ideas about “lead ins” and how, with DVR and streaming, audiences just seek what they want.

Dating, Online Trends & Gender

• Allison Rosen shares stories from online dating, breakups, and her romantic history; discussion covers why very attractive women might get fewer messages online.

  "Super hot chicks, I feel like, have guys trying to screw them all the time."
  (32:12, Carolla)

• Adam and Allison weigh in on smothering relationships and men’s emotional immaturity:

  “It's so fucking unattractive, that smothering thing, isn't it?...it's sort of immature.”
  (34:40, Carolla)

“Hobo Power”: Measuring Gross Smells

• Listener calls with disgusting stories are graded on the "Hobo Power" scale—Adam’s invented unit for stink intensity.
  • Cat corpse in a toolbox (“pink milkshake across the entire thing… coated my back”) earns a high score (86:43–88:00).
  • Dental student’s tale of infected hobo tooth unleashing a "pus bubble" pushes Adam to dry heave (91:00–93:12).

  “A hundred is theoretical. No one's ever lived and smelled a hundred. And I will not give you higher than a 25 and you will have to have either thrown up or dry heaved.”
  (84:34, Carolla)

Eugene Mirman Interview Highlights

• Discussion of Mirman’s Bob’s Burgers character ("Gene") and the show's unique approach: recording together, natural banter, and conversational style.
• Mirman recalls his adolescence as a Russian immigrant: being in “special ed” from sixth through twelfth grade, and how social acceptance finally came via humor and self-reflection.

  “It was mostly the. It was like first to 10th grade or first to 11th. It was sort of terrible. Then the last year and a half were kick ass.”
  (64:31, Mirman)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On dysfunctional Hollywood collaboration:

  “I've been wildly disappointed at how unfunny and...hacky...and just everything… not only how unfunny they are, but how horrible their instincts are.”
  (38:13, Carolla)

• On the difference between hotness and dating success:

  “If I went on one of these [dating] sites, I would work from hot down to, you know, my level.”
  (31:32, Carolla)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:36] – Blowhard contest concept
• [07:01] – Narcissism MRI discussion
• [13:17–16:50] – Religious names, kid protection, & license plates
• [20:20–25:00] – Conan O’Brien, late-night wars, & TV lead-ins
• [34:40] – Smothering in Relationships
• [38:13–47:27] – Hollywood’s unfunny ‘funny’ people
• [84:34–95:10] – Hobo Power Call-In Segment
• [53:16–67:10] – Eugene Mirman interview

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Part 2: Jordan Morris & Jesse Thorne (#631, 2011)

Key Discussion Points

Natural Childbirth, Fatherhood & Gender

• Jesse discusses supporting his wife through a long natural childbirth—Adam compares it to athletic feats and pop-culture touchstones.

  “It was genuinely...the most amazing thing I've ever seen a person do. It was. It was so, so unreal...”
  (100:31, Jesse Thorne)

• Extended riff on the experience of being a dad, feeling “useless” compared to mothers who breastfeed and nurture, and how modern roles can make men undervalue their contributions.

Kids, Awards Shows, and the Worship of Youth

• Adam unleashes on the rise of Kids’ and Teens’ Choice Awards and how the entertainment industry now panders to youth and nerds:

  “All I'm saying is when did the kids and the teens start fucking running our lives?”
  (130:21, Carolla)

• Adam and crew ridicule the need for celebrities to “get slimed” and cater to kid whims, contrasting with an imagined old-school Hollywood that would never have tolerated this.

• On kids’ birthday party culture:

  “The notion, the idea that you go to another kids’ birthday party and you come home with more gifts than you brought is where we're at now. Saying again, when we were kids you'd go to a birthday party because there was some ice cream cake in it for you...”
  (134:55, Carolla)

Media, Comic-Con, and Modern “Nerd” Identity

• Discussion of how “hot” celebrities now vie to seem nerdy and retroactively claim awkwardness.

  "All hot chicks make it their life's work to convince everyone around them that a, they were awkward...I was too hot for guys to ask me out is really… You expect us to buy that?"
  (138:14, Carolla)

• They explore nerds’ shifting place in modern culture—from being ostracized to having media platforms and cultural power.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On generational changes:

  “We ran out of real problems as a nation...and then we somehow decided that they [kids] were all individuals, somehow precious and needed almost everything before their first pube popped out…”
  (130:51, Carolla)

• On fatherhood and masculinity:

  “Because guys don't go out and hunt...or go into coal mines...we don't really get the credit that we deserve. But again, keeping the lights on...counts for something.”
  (151:14, Carolla)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [98:47–104:00] – Jesse’s natural childbirth story
• [126:13–130:21] – Kids’/Teens Choice Awards, nerd fandom, & generational pandering
• [132:12–135:19] – Spoiling children culture, birthday party arms races
• [138:14–141:03] – Faux-nerd hot chicks & celebrity social capital

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “Somehow, if you recognize genders, you're some sort of maniacal madman...We're all rapists, Right?” (109:08, Carolla, satirizing PC culture)
• “When you meet a dude that's that handsome...you're just like, wow...just feel that need to genuflect. Like, just bow before the stronger monkey.” (141:04, Brian Bishop)

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Episode Tone & Style

• Adam’s signature, rapid-fire rants—outrageous, self-deprecating, and laced with cultural commentary.
• Lively banter between Adam, his co-hosts (Allison Rosen/Brian Bishop), and guests.
• Willingness to probe awkward or offensive topics for laughs and insight.
• Lots of personal stories, relatable anecdotes, and liberal doses of sarcasm.

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Summary for the Uninitiated

This episode is a raucous walk through Carolla’s comedic worldview, with the guests each adding unique flavor—Mirman’s dry absurdity, Rosen’s bright skepticism, and the podcast duo’s wry meta-humor. Topics leap from Hollywood’s superficiality and the trials of dating, to the hypocrisies of parenting and a society obsessed with youth and nerd culture. Listeners are treated to gross-out competitions (Hobo Power!), industry inside-baseball, and high-energy exchanges, all filtered through Carolla’s irreverent, outspoken lens.

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Additional Notes

• Skip Points: All ad reads, show intros/outros, and promo sections are omitted from this summary.
• Language Warning: As always, content is uncensored and delivered in the frank, adult tone typical of The Adam Carolla Show.
• For Fans of: irreverent humor, cultural satire, behind-the-scenes entertainment industry talk.

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Carolla Classics delivers a punchy revisit to episodes that defined the Adam Carolla Show—memorable for both their outrageous laughs and their insightful, unfiltered takes on American culture.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, sweetie. Your mother showed me this Carvana thing for selling the car. I'm gonna give it a try. Wish me luck. Me again. I put in the license plate. It gave me an offer. Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer. They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway. I haven't even left my chair. It's done. The car is gone. I'm holding a check anyway.

[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

Love ya. So good you'll want to leave a voicemail about it.

[Allison Rosen]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Narrator]

Welcome to Cruella Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla show. If you would like to access the ad free archives, the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the podcast beat it out. Make sure to check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcarla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com all right, let's get the clips come. First we have Adam Carla show 477 featuring Eugene Merman, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2011.

[Adam Carolla]

Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on mandate. Get it on. Good day. Ball.

[Eugene Mirman]

Brian stars up the ass. If it's not on the page, it's

[Adam Carolla]

not gonna be in the screen. The name Bob Evans gets inked.

[Mike Lynch]

It was just on TV. It's a great movie.

[Adam Carolla]

And then on my 47th birthday, a 19 year old and I went into a bathroom and she opened a box with mysterious white powder in it. I said, what is this concoction? What kind of sorcery have you whipped up? And she said, put a little in your nose, it'll make you feel better. So I tried it and I said, what is this called again? No cocaine. She said, next, you know, I got busted for trying to smuggle in 14 kilos. This is one angry broad.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?

[Adam Carolla]

Every I just love, I love in the kid stays in the picture. When he gives a description of how he was introduced to cocaine. It was a beautiful 19 year old who introduced. By the way, he's just a 43 year old producer in Hollywood. What would he know about cocaine in the 70s? Yeah, living in Jack Nicholson. No way he'd heard of this mysterious white powder.

[Allison Rosen]

I always love this new thing.

[Adam Carolla]

At least admit you've heard of it. I mean before I tried cocaine, nobody said hey, you want to try some mysterious white powder? And I went what was that? What is that? Was that talcum powder? I did the cocaine math. I think as a 40 year old in 1981 living in the hills of Hollywood and producing movies for the last 20 years, probably had a decent idea what this cocaine was.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And also let me explain how it goes. Super scary SM producer guys, you get the 19 year olds coked up and then try to fuck them. It's not. They don't try to get you coked up. They're them on a 19 year old.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is she coming after this guy?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

She already has what she wants and

[Adam Carolla]

she's making $3 an hour. She doesn't have the cocaine. You have the cocaine. I just like the fact when everyone, all the drug addicts or all the people get busted for drugs. I like the part where they got introduced to drugs. Listen, you did drugs. If you don't want to do it, you wouldn't do it. Don't give me the fucking fart. And by the way, what if I just pulled out some cayenne pepper and just said sniff it? Would you go okay, I don't know what this strange red powdery substance. No, you go fuck you. What is this?

[Allison Rosen]

Is this something you picked up at the Hungarian restaurant?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, a man is terribly wealthy if he can spend his life doing something that he loves doing Coke. And blaming 19 year old broad ain't Bob Evans gets ink.

[Eugene Mirman]

See, I believe rules are made to be broken.

[Adam Carolla]

Slow down, Bob. I'm riding as fast as I can. Jesus Christ. There should be a blowhard competition. Like I would really, I would like a battle of the blowhards. Like I would like to put and we'd have to at a certain point, golden windbags. Yes. Who won a windy this year? You know, Don King presents. You know, I mean, see, I would interestingly enough put like someone like Tyra Banks up there. Like I'd put the smart money would be on her, even though she seems to be the wrong sex, the wrong color and the wrong height and the wrong, you know, cup size. But she's a wild blowhard, too. And that's the beauty of blowhards. They're from all shapes, sizes, walks of life and genders and race. It's beautiful.

[Mike Lynch]

We kind of do that with blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I guess you're envisioning, but we do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I've got to talk to Dr. Drew and we have to hook them up to like a functional mri.

[Allison Rosen]

But, like, what's the definition of a wind bag?

[Adam Carolla]

I think. I think there's a few things you have to say. Things with a lot of gravitas that doesn't really make. That falls under the no shit or who cares department. You know, like those people that go. Like the people that have the money make the decisions.

[Eugene Mirman]

You can have stars up the ass,

[Adam Carolla]

but if it's not on the page, it's not going to be on the screen, Right? Yeah, that kind of thing where it's like you're going to have every celebrity in the world, but if the script stinks, the movie's going to. And it's like, yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no shit. Smoking sucks the air right out of your lungs. If most everything you think, everything you say falls under the no shit department or the yes, I've heard a thousand times department, it is what it is, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Would that be one of them?

[Adam Carolla]

At the end of the day? It would be. I say, ultimately the only way to really tell because they're all just sacks of wind. And by the way, no one ever tells them, shut up, that's douchebag.

[Allison Rosen]

Because there's sage wisdom that could be passed down, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So I think at the end of the day, sadly, and I did use that in earnest there, the only way we can really figure out who the biggest narcissist slash blowhard is, we hook them up to a functional MRI machine, Get a tech or braid in down one. No one that actually works. I don't know why they call them functional MRIs, but the point is we hook them up and we can see what goes on in your brain. And you show a straight guy some beautiful pornography and you'll see little parts of the brain light up and that kind of stuff. Or other parts of the body as well. Yeah. And we put that. No, that's hooked up to your noggin. Just the brain and we see what parts light up. And ultimately here's what we do, we show you a picture of yourself and we just see what lights up in your brain. Yeah, I would like to do that with everyone I know I would like every human being I come across with, hook them up to that functional MRI machine and just show them a picture of them and see what happens. I don't know if it turns black, turns red, turns blue. You know, whatever it is, they become aroused.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like there's nuances of narcissism because you could show them a picture of them that is a good picture of them and that's gonna, you know, turn the brain one color if, if the brain turns colors or a photo where their hair didn't look good or you know, they weren't smiling, they wasn't from the right side. And that might make you think Bob

[Adam Carolla]

Evans thinks there's a bad picture of Bob Evans.

[Allison Rosen]

The one that he's not in the picture of.

[Adam Carolla]

Bob Evans uses ink, baby. I am called the hippest dude in town and I think it's because that's my reference.

[Allison Rosen]

Referring to yourself in third person. Pretty integrally blowhardy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all great. I just. The climax will be the functional MRI and what they think of themselves as

[Allison Rosen]

a preliminary training thing. Could we hold a candle in front of their mouth and like if it goes out then that would be a qualifying round.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think the way it works is you hold a candle, lit candle in front of their mouth and you start at like 20 paces and you just keep getting closer and when it blows out you're like wow, Tyra blew a candle out at 17 foot 9 inches. That's. That's a new record. That's indoor.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Non win aided. You know what I mean? Interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

Kiss my fat ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's when she. About once a year, when she's not retiring her wings from Victoria's Secret, she's explaining the beauty comes from the inside and then doing hard hitting investigative journalism by putting herself in fat suits looking insane and trying to realizing that I don't know. Are you sitting down, Allison? Super fat chicks covered with prosthetic prosthetics and crazy glasses that have cameras in them and stuff. Don't get pulled over and offered rides as often as chicks and Daisy Dukes.

[Allison Rosen]

Who I would have to see that

[Adam Carolla]

footage to believe that.

[Allison Rosen]

I find that hard to believe.

[Adam Carolla]

Really hard. Some hard hitting journalism going on there. Alright, I should mention our good friends over at zero one Media Center. What do they fix on yours? Your ipod?

[Mike Lynch]

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[Adam Carolla]

Good work over there. I am fixing, pardon the pun, to drop off three of mine that just went south.

[Mike Lynch]

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[Adam Carolla]

So I'm gonna drop those off. So you wanna get your ipod repaired? All that stuff they go, eh, just throw it out and get a new one. No, let 01 fix it for you. Been in business for. They're an authorized Apple dealer. They will fix your computers, your ipods, your iPhones. They'll set you up computers or set up one for Mike lynch and Dawson and Donnie. They set up our computer over here so we can do our little media thing. They're experts in media, TV and film. Maybe you want to edit something. Maybe you want to make a little indie film. 310-651-8488 or check them out online. 01 media center. Good guys. Experts and not some big box store. One of our first sponsors. 01 Media Center. All right, Allison, you got some news you want to heat up baby?

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

So first off, just a quick, quick update on Jacob Volkman. He's the MMA fighter who was visited by the Secret Service after saying that he wanted to take on Obama in a match. He has come out and apologized for his remarks and said that he never would have made these remarks after the shooting that happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, sure.

[Allison Rosen]

It's no good.

[Adam Carolla]

Couldn't have anticipated that.

[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Mike Lynch]

I'm gonna ask you a question that's either insulting or incredibly the opposite. Who's training who? Seriously, Are you holding focus pads for him or is he, like, doing stuff with you?

[Adam Carolla]

I have found that the guys who punch the focus pads don't hold the focus pads as well as the guys who hold the focus pads too. And I'll probably be holding them for him, but at a certain point, he'll hold them for me. So we'll see how it goes. I don't know if he does much of that, but I will make his hands better. I can promise you that. His next opponent. Take that. His next opponent.

[Allison Rosen]

Who wants to take that? Pope Benedict xvi, because he's urged people to get back to naming their children biblical names instead of celebrity names like Sienna and Scarlett.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong with DeShawn? It wasn't in the Old Testament.

[Allison Rosen]

No. During Mass at the Sistine Chapel, he said, every baptized child acquires the character of the Son of God, beginning with their Christian name, an unmistakable sign that the Holy Spirit causes man to be born anew in the womb of the church.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just good science.

[Allison Rosen]

Ashton and Lily have become very popular names in England and Wales. Christina o', Donne, a former editor of the Catholic Herald who grew up in Italy, said, there are so many.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. How's Harold? Is that cool? Can you name a kid Harold?

[Mike Lynch]

Herod would be okay.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I don't think so. I don't think there's a. Is there a patron saint, Harold?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know. Patron saint of thick glasses, right? I don't know. Interesting. But anyway, was in the Herald.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And Christina o' Donne said, there are so many of the church's traditions which we have come to ignore and which are actually meaningful and have a big science, spiritual significance. To deprive our children of that sense of having a protecting saint is to rob them of something very significant. Many of today's names are not just unchristian, but they are also crass and consumerist. And in 2008, Italy's highest court banned a couple from naming their son Venerity, which means Friday, saying it was ridiculous and would Friday, wow. Would expose him to mockery from his classmates. Judges from the cessation court in Rome ordered the boy instead be christened Gregorio after the Saints Day. After the Saints day on which he was born.

[Adam Carolla]

After they got knocked out of the playoffs by the fucking lowly. By the way, the Saints get knocked out by the Seahawks, a team that's sub 500. I don't know if Gregorio is going to go over very well.

[Mike Lynch]

Between that and Jim Harbaugh to the Niners, it's a great year for every usc.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that was it.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I tune out because I'm an atheist. I really just. I feel like there's just so much as an atheist, I feel like there's a certain portion of life that's just a play. So I don't get suspicious that there's really nothing going on. Like this Vatican and the Pope and the smoke signals and the Catholic Church and all the people showing up and the Mass and all that kind of stuff. Lot of talk, not a whole lot of action. I don't know how the fuck it works. I don't care. I don't understand how it gets started. I mean, I realize every retarded. Here's how, you know, religion is semi retarded. You have to get indoctrinated into the bullshit early and often. Otherwise it's a fucking joke. I mean, I don't care if you're talking about being Catholic, Muslim or Hasidic Jew. It's fucking nonsense. If you get to the age of 30 and it hasn't been introduced to your life, nay, shoved up your ass, it's nonsense. If somebody says, hey, grow the beard out, put this black duster on and walk up and down Melrose in the middle of the fucking summer, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here, you fucking high. It's all nonsense. But just like any nonsense, if it gets. If you get, you know, indoctrinated, if it, you know, if you ate monkey brains every day starting at age four, then I'm sure you'd enjoy eating monkey brains when you were 12. I mean, that's just the way it works.

[Allison Rosen]

See, the older I get, I feel like the more I realize there's occasionally things that religion does right, even if it's for the wrong reasons or it arrives at these decisions in ways which I think are either, you know, not true or I don't agree with. But here, all the church stuff, throw out, but the idea of getting away from stupid baby names, I'm in favor of.

[Adam Carolla]

I am as well. And as I've said more than once, there should be just a sanctioning body that says, and we do protect children. I mean, you can't go work in a Nike factory unless you're in Indonesia before the age of 15. Like we want, and we want to protect, you know, the kids. And we have this thing, as I always point out when it comes to vanity license plate. You know I can't have pussy hound for a God damn it wouldn't fit. Well, I could figure out a way to get it on there.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what that means.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't have it on a custom license plate. And you can't have Jewess or whatever. You exactly what I would. You couldn't have it. You couldn't. They wouldn't let it go. No. And even if it was like semi mild, if it was flirting at all with religion or something obscene, they'd go now can't have it. And why not do the same with names? You want to give your kid a ridiculous name that's going to get the kid ridiculed? No.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but, but yet they don't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

We live in a free country. Later on he'll be free to go on a killing spree.

[Allison Rosen]

I once saw a license plate that said the. I think it said that it was something like the thc, but it actually, you could look at it and figure out and see where it said the C. Oh, really? But, but it seemed like they had pulled one over on the license plate.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what I figured out from pulling, pulling one over on the license plate. I think that the I, the capital I can be passed off as a T if you get a license plate frame where the bottom covers the bottom part of the capital I. So if you can think of something like tits. Wait a minute. That would screw up the whole thing. Yeah, you'd have to notch out the plate in a certain, certain way. But if you just said I wanted I s. I'm sure they deal with this too. I'm sure there's some department that deals with this thing. License. I figured out that sometimes the bottom of the license plate frame, not the license plate will cover up. I don't know, can turn a Q into an O or things like that. And there are ways to sort of fudge things. I got to check out the tits and the in the eye. Sorry, where was I? Anyway, the church has spoken.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, and.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're telling white people to knock it off. Wow. Imagine if they got hold of our blacks. Talk about the wrath of God.

[Allison Rosen]

Conan o' Brien got a call from Letterman.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a white guy. Those are white guys.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. And Conan is not a biblical name.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Letterman just wanted to make sure the late night turmoil hadn't created a rift between them. O' Brien told reporters that he wouldn't be so receptive to receiving a call from Leno, saying, well, we all know that story. He also said he was sad about no longer being a part of NBC. That company meant a lot to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. We all know what that story is. That's a story where you got $40 million to go to Malibu and hang out for nine months.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

That next national tragedy fucking poll ratings at 11:30 at night. That's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's that story.

[Adam Carolla]

Please, somebody, screw me over. Please somebody give me that kind of reaming. Please. Fucking whining dick. Such a pussy, Conan. Such a pussy. Jesus Christ. Quit fucking crying. And listen, all you hipster assholes. Quit fucking crying for the guy. I got fucking $40 million to take a break for nine months, and now he's got his show back on. Who gives a fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I think he did say, you know, no one should be crying for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up. Shut the fuck up, Conan. And if he'd done that, if this. If his show had started in this day and age, I mean, he had, like, five years to work it out. Now you have five minutes to work it out, and you're off the air. So, Conan, you've been on the air for what, 20 years now? You suck the first five years. And they left you on the air. Be thankful that they did that. Be thankful that you've made hundreds of millions of dollars for that company and got 40 million to go the other way. And again, if he'd gotten ratings, well, this would have never happened. I know. It's all about the lead in. Everyone gets focused on the lead in. On the other hand, who do you know that works their TV viewing based on the lead in? And Conan had great ratings the first couple of weeks. So people sampled. Where'd they go? Conan? What happened?

[Allison Rosen]

These are.

[Adam Carolla]

They split. Why?

[Mike Lynch]

I'm surprised that notion of a lead in still, even around with the advent of the DDR and everything.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. I mean, I know we can't base everything on our viewing habits, but seriously, does anyone go, like, I'll watch Fox and I'll watch football on Fox, but if a rerun of Married with Children comes on after football, I don't go, Well, I guess I have to watch a show that I've seen 18 times already from 1993. I'll go. I get to. I just watched three hours of football, and now there's a rerun of I Love Lucy and I'm not gonna watch it.

[Mike Lynch]

There must be a huge divide in class and age, you know what I'm saying? Because everyone in our Circle. Everyone we know has the DVR and uses it. And, oh, I t bought this and I'm watching that and I got this on my Q or whatever. Like, who.

[Eugene Mirman]

Who.

[Mike Lynch]

What's even elite in anymore? Lucy comes on after, you know, the NFL stuff is like, oh, guess I gotta watch this.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It's as foreign as sort of sitting around listening to the radio, hoping your favorite song is gonna come on. It's like, no, you have a computer and an iPad and a phone filled with your favorite songs. You'll listen to it immediately. And I agree. I think the lead in is one of those dogmatic, archaic, just sort of leftover tv. It's vestigial. It's leftover from a million years ago. I don't think people do it anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

Or at least some.

[Adam Carolla]

It has an effect. Not that great an effect and all right, but let's take a sensation. Let's take, oh, I don't know, the man show. No, let's take. Let's say Jersey Shores or Desperate Real Housewives or, you know, any show that becomes a breakout. Even if it's Two and a Half Men starting, you know, eight years ago or whatever it is, or. I think we got some Fox guys here. I'm trying to think of shows that, like, I don't know what the show before Jersey Shore is on mtv. It's just Jersey Shore became a breakout. Maybe it aids the show after it a little bit. But if people want to find your show. Oh, they'll find your show.

[Mike Lynch]

Seems pretty easy, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's pretty easy. Someone says, what was the lead in for the Sopranos? I don't know, a rerun.

[Mike Lynch]

Mannequin 2 John from Cincinnati. I know because I never watched it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. There you go. And then what came on? I don't know what came on after. The point is, is everyone I know loved the Sopranos, so they would tune in and watch the Sopranos and then tune out.

[Allison Rosen]

Actually, for me, there's shows where as soon as the music comes, like, there's a show I like. And then as soon as the next one comes on and I hear that music, I cannot turn the TV off fast enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, as a matter of fact, I'll be back. I'll take it a step further. It's how I know Cougar Town sucks because I watch Modern.

[Mike Lynch]

I was just thinking about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I watch Modern Family, and then they show you 45 seconds at Cougar Town. Just enough to go, God, is this show fucking horrible. And then you tune out.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't Speak to you being a cougar,

[Adam Carolla]

I would watch Cougarville, but something about Cougar Town. No, no, it's just it. The juxtaposition of how good something like Modern Family is and how crappy Cougar Town is, that just turns you off. Yeah, nobody watches the show that comes after the show because they like the show before it. I. I just feel they could just get their eyeballs.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Conan had those eyeballs for the first two weeks, and then those eyeballs and earballs. I'm no scientist. Decided not to. So Conan, you didn't get the numbers? Not that a lead in would have hurt, but it's not all based on that. You didn't get the kind of numbers that they'd expected. So they gave you 40 million bucks and now you're on TBS. Dude, shut up.

[Mike Lynch]

Just give me an idea.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that?

[Mike Lynch]

Guys with earlobes hang real low. Earballs.

[Adam Carolla]

Earballs. I like that.

[Mike Lynch]

No hanging earlobes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good stuff. Write that down and then burn it.

[Allison Rosen]

You're gonna make millions off of earballs.

[Adam Carolla]

Where were we? Well, at the worst Smell Brooks movie ever.

[Allison Rosen]

I am a Conan fan, but just.

[Adam Carolla]

I think Conan. I think. I think here's. I have a. I have personal issues with Conan, but I think Conan's a.

[Allison Rosen]

What are they?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think Conan's a talented dude and a funny dude. There was a really hot chick who I had it really bad for, and it turned out that Conan dated her before me. Many, many, many years ago. No one was a celebrity back then.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it Lisa Kudrow?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Phoebe. He did briefly date her, and she explained to me that they were going to do it, but he said he couldn't. He was thinking about his old girlfriend.

[Allison Rosen]

She used those words.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't remember if she said coitus or whatever it was. She'd explained to me that they were becoming intimate, but they were going to become bedfellows because he was thinking about his ex girlfriend.

[Mike Lynch]

They were going to lay down, and

[Adam Carolla]

she was such a piece of ass that I immediately got disgusted at him.

[Allison Rosen]

So then did you step in?

[Adam Carolla]

This was before my time.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh. Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then she didn't like. She didn't like me much either, which made it even worse.

[Allison Rosen]

But if he had been with her, wouldn't that. That wouldn't endear you to him.

[Adam Carolla]

It was merely this. It was merely this. Brian, as half a man, please back me up.

[Mike Lynch]

That's the one half.

[Adam Carolla]

When you are wildly attracted to a beautiful Blonde woman. And you would basically cut off your small toe to be with her.

[Allison Rosen]

Your earball.

[Adam Carolla]

Your earball. When you would cut off your earball with a worm drive skill saw to be with her. And she'll be with you a little bit, but not quite. And then she kind of tells you a story about some other guy who she really wanted to be with, but he said, no, thanks. You really. You want to punch that guy right in a nut sack.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, that's across the board, though. Like, if you like someone, you have more of a problem with the person that they really like than with someone else who likes them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I tuned out, but yeah. And then also I did his show a couple of times, and he just kind of wussed out on me, and I was working a little bit blue and getting a little bit edgy, and he just kind of slid his chair back, and then he just lied. His people or whoever just sort of lied. Jimmy and I were in town for some right after 9 11. They couldn't get any other guests, and they wanted Jimmy. And Jimmy said, I'll do it if Adam does it with me because he was being a good guy. And they said, we don't do. We don't do pairs. We don't do teams. We don't do partners. Except for I did the show with Dr. Drew some months earlier, so you got to save it. It's a very low percentage that the person you're talking to has another partner who he did the show right with you. But me and Dr. Drew did the show the year before, and it's weird that you're telling that guy. It's just how pompous and stupid Hollywood is where they just centrally lie. Anyway, I just thought. I don't know. He's a puss. That's. That's what I thought. But I think he's talented. Just a puss.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, speaking of dating stuff, as we were a moment ago, news story. Turns out that being beautiful may be a hindrance in the online dating world.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Story of Adam's life.

[Adam Carolla]

Most people don't take me seriously.

[Allison Rosen]

You should try wearing glasses. Dating site.

[Mike Lynch]

Do some of those earballs, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Dating site. OkCupid, second largest online dating site. Did some statistical analysis.

[Adam Carolla]

How is it we've never heard of them?

[Mike Lynch]

Okay, Cubit is second largest.

[Allison Rosen]

That's.

[Mike Lynch]

Yeah, if the story says so, I guess it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Great. Sam Cook song, too.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I made it up, but. All right, I didn't make it up. I know of OkCupid. You know why you guys don't know about it? Because you're not doing online dating, right?

[Adam Carolla]

As far as you know, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

As far as. Well, I haven't come across you. On OkCupid, they did some statistical analysis of its users to try to figure out what kind of women men find most attractive. Using the profiles of 43,000 heterosexual women in their 20s, OkCupid tallied their looks, rating score, their. There's a score.

[Adam Carolla]

John mayer only fucked 28,000, by the

[Allison Rosen]

way, just to be fair, and compared it with how many messages they received. The more men as a group disagreed about a woman's looks, the more they ended up liking her. Guys tended to ignore the women widely considered to be attractive.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean because they'd settled on her? I mean, is it, is it this kind of thing?

[Allison Rosen]

Like if you're hot, people don't message you that much. Like if you're universally.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[Allison Rosen]

If you're what society considers super good looking, then on this site you don't receive that many messages. That's what their analysis found.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think maybe what you're saying, and I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, so you tell me. There is a element of. Brian and I are not going to argue over whether the Patriots are a good football team or organization or not. But when the Eagles are playing the packers, you can have an argument there like who's going to win that game, who's a better team or who's going to Atlanta or the packers, you know, because they're, they're not the Patriots, you know, they're not a 10, right. You can argue sevens and eights. There's arguments about them. Nobody, you know, no one makes an argument about Christie Brinkley, you know, but they do make arguments about Mini Driver and.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, but then are they therefore more inclined to try to get a date with Minnie Driver?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But the discussion or the level of discussion or the amount of traffic and discussion over seven, I could see being more than a, than a 10, because. And then maybe they're intimidated by the 10.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I mean, that's, that's what I would imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

But if they're on the site, then they're fair game, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, of course, yeah, I would.

[Adam Carolla]

If I went on one of these sites, I would work from hot down to, you know, my level.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. It's like when you're trying to go out and no hot is your level. It's like when you're going out and getting a job, you can apply to

[Adam Carolla]

you Know, Baskin Robbins. Or you could start with a nice Fortune 500 company and work your way down.

[Allison Rosen]

Or even just a nicer ice cream shop. Your dream ice cream shop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Ben and Jerry's.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry. They're really competitive. Their hiring practices are really competitive. Yeah. So I think that it's probably that men are intimidated by the super hot.

[Adam Carolla]

They say that, but.

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's what I say.

[Adam Carolla]

Super hot chicks, I feel like, have guys trying to screw them all the time.

[Mike Lynch]

Allison, are you on OkCupid? That's a yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Cupid. How's it going? What's going on? You're single, sweetie. What are you looking for? What do you need?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, goodness. This is not a news story, but it should be a news story.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you looking for in a man?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, sense of humor? I don't know. I mean, I just moved back here. There's also next story in my life

[Adam Carolla]

I want to hear.

[Allison Rosen]

We want to hear what I'm looking for.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you looking for?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I feel like to tell you that I should explain that I haven't been in a relationship in about four years.

[Adam Carolla]

Four years.

[Allison Rosen]

Before that, I was in. I mean, I've dated since before that. I was in a couple serious relationships, which. The last one was so smothering, and I felt like I was being driven crazy. And I don't just mean irritated. I mean, like, he was just a slippery motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

Slippery, Slippery.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, we would have a conversation, and then I would ask a question about something he had just said, and then he would deny having said it. I mean, it was like I felt like I was being gaslit, actually. But that's crazy making.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not smothering. Smothering is, you know, calling you all the time, wanting to know where you are.

[Allison Rosen]

It was that, too thing. It was just like, I really. I woke up and I was like, I don't. What. What just happened for the last year.

[Adam Carolla]

But no, and, like, would he, like, if he said, hey, it's girls night out, Me and my friends, we're gonna go out for dinner, and then we're gonna have a drink, and then we're gonna see Sex and City, and then we're gonna go masturbate at a. At Burke Williams, would he. Would he be like, whoa, whoa, let me know, can I be part of this or what? Like, you and your friend said you were going to Vegas for a girls weekend. Would he get really uptight about that?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, no, but I did. I was. You know, I was in New York at the time. And I did plan a trip to come out to California to visit my family. And he was upset that I didn't

[Adam Carolla]

invite him to come with you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But he had already come out and met my family and stuff. Like, we had already traveled together. I just. I felt like I needed to sort of just. Just get a little bit of space. And he was.

[Adam Carolla]

But he could feel that on you. That's probably.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, maybe. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'd say maybe. The guys usually react more than. It's more than just the words or the plane tickets. They're feeling you getting the distance.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so fucking unattractive, that smothering thing, isn't it?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's. I think it's a.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a sign of the neediness.

[Adam Carolla]

Needy smothery. And it's. I think it's sort of immature because that's. I mean, guys are all that way when they're 17, but by the time they get to 37, they should have it out of their system. So when a guy does that, it feels very adolescent. It feels very young and very high school and sort of like you're dealing with a boy, not a man.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And kind of turning.

[Allison Rosen]

That was something that I hurled at him at one point.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It was not my finer moments near the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

But yeah, so there was that. And then, you know, I felt like staying in that relationship had kept me in a job that I probably would have realized maybe I wanted to leave sooner. It just became sort of. I just felt very paralyzed. I mean, I'm not blaming him.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Now, do you think he wanted to get married and start a family and do all that stuff?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Well, I don't know that either of us were really ready for that, but I do think that we thought each other was the one,

[Adam Carolla]

so. Yeah, the guy before him

[Allison Rosen]

was, so. See, I ended up dumping both of them and I

[Adam Carolla]

had my less crushing fetishes.

[Allison Rosen]

Should be playing some sort of, like, triumphant music.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I like this one better. Yeah, no, I like.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I just. I don't know. I feel like I had too much of a tour of human emotions, and I was just like, this whole thing is just too much. I feel terror, I feel, like, upset, and I feel confused, and I feel really guilty and I feel terrible. But the guy, the one before him, actually, I just found out, is now, via Facebook, is now married with baby on the way. And that was weird to discover that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Thought he was gay. Interesting. And now. Now Single now?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, now I'm single. Kind of like, not. Probably not enough, though. But so the OkCupid thing, feel like the bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, you have the bar set up pretty high. What do you need out of a guy?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, honestly, not really.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you say sense of humor.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I just. I want to feel attracted to the guy. I want to be excited by him. Like, I don't want to do that thing that I've done too many times, which is, this is the kind of guy that I should, like, I'm going to make myself go out with him. And that is a reaction to always liking the wrong kind of guy. When I was younger, which I think a lot of women like the wrong kind of guy when they're younger.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

But then. So then, you know, the. The most recent serious one was someone where I was like, he's right for all the right reasons. And then he turned out to be so wrong. So now I just. I just actually don't want to overthink it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I just want to feel it.

[Adam Carolla]

You're worried about your divining rod. Yes, well, my divinity is a little bent.

[Allison Rosen]

My divining rod has been immersed in so many dating books. I'm an. I'm an example of why those books don't work because I've read so many of them, and it just makes me, like, not want to go out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I'm like, oh, chapter three. There's so many do's and don'ts. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's tough. And the sense of humor. Does he need to make a living with that sense of humor?

[Allison Rosen]

No, he. You mean, does he need to be

[Adam Carolla]

a comedian, writer, whatever?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I think that I'm drawn to people who are artistic and creative in general, but he doesn't have to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because I'm telling you, it's gonna be difficult. I am marveling as I travel through this town at how fucking unfunny almost everyone is. And people who are heading up the comedy department of networks and running big production companies and head writers and introduced to me, by the way, when it's time to punch up, the sitcom that doesn't need to be punched up is the funniest guy I know. Wow. Are people unfunny.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So don't set the funny bar too high, because I'm telling you, the pros ain't that funny. I could only imagine what the amateurs are like.

[Allison Rosen]

Or. Or are they people who just, in conversation, won't be funny because they save it all for their work, or are you saying these are genuine?

[Adam Carolla]

Sat down at writers tables and begged them to be funny.

[Allison Rosen]

I felt like in New York, I felt like people there are smart enough to be funny, but they just aren't because they're so serious and they're so work oriented and like, despite the fact that everyone drinks, it's a very sobering town. Whereas I find that in California things are a little looser and people actually are funnier. Do you disagree?

[Adam Carolla]

I have been devastated by how unfunny most the people I'm forced to collaborate with have been in this town. Sort of suits and heads of comedy and production companies and how bad. Sorry, not only how unfunny they are, but how horrible their instincts are and just hacky. Just, just everything. I really, I mean, maybe Mike lynch will come in here and help, help me clarify this. But you know, when you write a sitcom, you're forced to do like a fucking punch up. And I don't know why, but you have to do a punch up. Even if everyone agrees they like the script the way it was. And then you sit around the table with what would be announced beforehand as some of the funniest punch up guys and sitcom writers and whatever it meant, and about five hours and eighty bucks worth of Chinese food later, they haven't fucking come up with one funny thing. And those are the funny guys, right? The executives are actually a little worse than not funny. They don't even get it when you're presenting it to them. I've been wildly disappointed at how unfunny and how people had the inability to understand when funny was sort of pushed, sort of underhanded, unlimited arts.

[Allison Rosen]

Explain it. It's like either either they can smell it or they can't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's, you know, it's really weird, but Phil Rosenthal just gave me from Everyone Loves Raymond and Other things. Phil Rosenthal, who we're going to have on this podcast, just gave me his CD or dvd, which a documentary about him selling Everyone Loves Raymond to Russia. And they don't sell it like they syndicate it, they recast it. It's, you know, Everyone Loves Ivan and they literally redo it. And so he just sits there with the translator while they're doing a really shitty Russian version of Everyone Loves Raymond. That's way over the. But it's like a Mexican sitcom and blah blah, blah. And he's, you know, whispering to the person saying it's funnier if it's real. The reactions are too big and too over the top and And a woman wouldn't dress that way in the morning, you know, with the eyeshadow on and a beautiful gown and stuff like that. And they're like, you see the director and the producer like kind of giving them the shh, we know what we're doing. And I just thought, wow, that's like every experience I've ever had. But by the way, the shh, we know what we're doing thing would be awesome if at the end of the day, the end of the week or the end of the month you could go, Yuri, you were right, this is some awesome shit. No, it sucks. They fuck it up, but they do the shh. Right? Bring lynch in here. Bring, bring Mike. Find Mike lynch in here. Mike, tell me if I'm exaggerating this at all. You who sat next to me during this process.

[Eugene Mirman]

Not, not at all more the CBS

[Adam Carolla]

than the NBC one.

[Brian Bishop]

But there were many times where there was the. Could you do something like this?

[Adam Carolla]

This isn't the funny version. Yeah, yeah, but something like this. Something like this, Something like this. But do you think me and Kevin Hench's script got any better from the time we dropped it off to the time it got run through the fucking ringer over at Berman Braun and CBS at NBC and wherever we were doing and who, whatever voices were chiming in and whatever guys sat in and punched up in earnest. I mean, nice guys and everything. But did the product improve at all?

[Eugene Mirman]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

And the, the only one is I'm

[Adam Carolla]

thinking about the CBS when the only

[Eugene Mirman]

guy who I think contributed anything worthwhile was Greg Garcia.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody else was.

[Brian Bishop]

They were supposedly legends and I got

[Eugene Mirman]

more jokes in the script than they did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and you're horrible.

[Brian Bishop]

I know.

[Eugene Mirman]

I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Hack. No, it didn't, it didn't change. It didn't get any better. It is like a three month process where you sit there and tear apart your script trying to make it something and it never gets any better. And it's always by a bunch of guys who've been doing it for 30 years and they're fucking horrib. They're just bad at what they do.

[Allison Rosen]

There's something ineffable about humor and if you put it under a microscope like that and have everyone chime in, you're just gonna kind of get away from anything funny. Of course I had to tell you. In your book you were talking about how a lot of the people that were supposed to be there to punch up this stuff were women who had no sense of humor at all. Then you're saying how many times have you actually met a truly funny woman? And for the first time in my life reading that, I actually thought, wow, am I just funny for a chick?

[Adam Carolla]

Apsa. I mean, no, but it's interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd never really considered it before and now I know that I am.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not asking.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're. You're clever and you're funny, but you have to understand there's not tons of clever funny chicks.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh no, I know, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Believe me, I know. It's refreshing. So I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg in this department. If you were a 400 pound Jewish guy who was balding, you would be a little less funny than you are now. Oh, that's what I'm saying. Oh yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not a compliment.

[Adam Carolla]

Not really.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're a.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, I'm working with what I got.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, you're a rare black pearl.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think. Mediocre, funny, black.

[Allison Rosen]

Those are the funniest necklaces.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And here's what I'm saying, just so everyone's clear about this. I don't. I suspected or expected this whole time and I think lynch is with me on this one. That you would. We would run into a whole bunch of really super experienced people that were talented, funny and made the product much better. And we did not run into any of those people at any level. Especially the friends of my mom, as I described them, who run the networks. Sort of. It's a sort of thing where you see these five chicks who look like someone put a. Should have played a place. Yes. And you look at them and you go, how are these chicks? The head of comedy at NBC or wherever you are? And then you go, well, they must know something. And you do that. They must know something about almost everyone you meet all along the way. And then when you're done, you go, nope, they didn't know anything.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't understand how they even get in those positions. Like, what is that career track? What is that career?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you how it works because this happened a lot. There is some sort of weird club where nobody says, that guy fucking sucks. They just go, that guy's. Everyone. Everyone does this thing where they go, who do you got? Who do you got running your show? And they go, Brad Wasserman. And they go, oh, he's bet he's. He's one of the best. You're lucky to be working with him. You're lucky to be working. I know. Brad well, Brad's a good guy. Say hi to his wife, Sheila. Brad's an awesome guy. You're lucky to be working with Brad. He's one of the best. You know, he worked on. And then they usually go on to name five shows that you think are unfunny. He was on yes, dear, for all seven seasons. You're like, all right. And they do that whole thing and they go, you're lucky to work with him. And they do that times everyone, right? And then you get in the room and you sit with them for a while and you realize, yeah, not that much going on. And no one ever really goes, brad, it's all right. I mean, ain't that funny? But no, it's. Everyone is like, everyone's the best. And you're lucky to be working with everyone. So you're going with these real high expectations, and then nothing happens, right? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Those people could be in your contest, your blowhard win bag contest.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird, weird thing. What? Also, you have to understand, Hollywood's a land where 1% of the people do 99% of the work. And then the others just sit around talking about how good everyone is, and they don't really want to admit they don't do anything. And they can't really say the other guy sucks, because then that guy will say they suck. And then before you know it, they won't get paid a bunch of money to do nothing. Which is essentially what they do.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? That was my suspicion. This whole time, bunch of people, they're just taking general meetings, which, by the way, what the hell is a general. I mean, I know what it is, but I'm still confused what you're supposed to do in a general.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole thing's a weird, confusing way to. Of time and money. But anyway, it was a delight. I learned a lot, and Brad is

[Allison Rosen]

one of the best.

[Adam Carolla]

I did. I must. I must say, the showrunner I had for my two failed sitcoms I enjoyed immensely. I like both those guys quite a bit, actually. One was named, let's see, Allen. One was named John. And both those guys were great.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone else, did they land on their feet?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, they just go from one thing to the next. That's how it works. That's how it works.

[Allison Rosen]

So that's how it works.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how it works. It's a weird thing. Also, I hate to say, but there is a sort of Jewy Harvardy thing going on, too. Like, if you're going and you went to junior college or, like, went to Like Northridge or something. You're. You're not in that club. It is. There is a sort of. There's a sort of racism. Weird kind of. It's quiet, it's different. But blonde haired guys who went to state schools or junior colleges. Not really. Not an open door policy in the club. It's not, it's not like, you know, it's not like we're gonna put you on a train and take it.

[Allison Rosen]

Auschwitz can't get you in.

[Adam Carolla]

I. The Jew fro wasn't enough for me. They. It's. There is. There's a strong Ivy League whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy went to this school and there's a little Jewy thing going on. Which is weird. He wouldn't think about it. But there's a little bit. There's a little Jewy thing and a little Harvard thing going on.

[Allison Rosen]

Would think that does go on.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you would think that they, you know, in Nebraska would think that was going on. But I. You can experience.

[Allison Rosen]

You lost me.

[Adam Carolla]

If you come, if you come, if you come. I mean, I would have said before this experience, yeah, get the fuck out of here. But after the experience, I would say there is a little. There's. It's weird because it's a country club for people who weren't accepted into other country clubs.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. That's a lot of creative. And I mean a lot of creative fields though are like that. It's where the nerds go.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's also cool guy. There's a sort of. There's a. There's. There's two things. There's a. There's a Jewish thing, there's a Ivy League thing and there's a sort of cool guy thing. Meaning I wear pork pie hats, have cool frames on my glasses, but I don't say anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, like cool in quotes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, hipster. I don't say anything that's funny. But I look like something funny may come out of my mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, Right. I don't want to think that.

[Adam Carolla]

Really good friends with Sarah Silverman, like that kind of that. That person. Although I like Sarah Silver in a lot. Yeah, that. So there's three. There's. There's that and if you're just sort of. Of normal. Like if you went to a state school and you're going and you're a fan of like your sport, you like, like football. You have a team, right? You play like rotisserie football or something. Rotisserie baseball, fairy tale football. You're not in that. That ain't your group. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's a little. Little tougher to get in.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. See, the same as.

[Adam Carolla]

As Mike Lynch. Please tell me if you feel like I've manufactured any of this stuff.

[Eugene Mirman]

I. I have nothing negative to say about the fine Jewish men and women in our industry. And I. That's it.

[Allison Rosen]

Is Mike lynch one of these fairy tale football people?

[Adam Carolla]

The reality is, is Mike. Mike lynch is funnier than all the guys we sat down. Who with to punch up our script that didn't need to be punched up. Who are the funniest guys in the business except for Mike. Even though if you went to dinner with him, you. You could pass. He could pass off as a Jew. He doesn't exactly bounce onto that. Check like a cougar. But. But all the money you pay does not. With the state school background and stuff, does not fall into any of these categories that we've discussed. And thus we'll have difficulty finding employment unless I get a TV show on

[Allison Rosen]

the air or Fish is hiring.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Right. Yeah. If they need a roadie, he's in.

[Allison Rosen]

We did have. We had a discussion about recycling last night.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, our guest is here. I think we should bring our guest in. I think what we should do is. Let me do a quick shout out for our good friends over at Pinnacle College. That's right, Pinnacle College. Our own Dawson is going there. Classes start January 31st. And like I said, my goyim friends, let's learn a trade, get a job, and fight to keep it. Video games are now a big part of music production. You want to learn about music production? You want to learn from the best. They are all they are under one roof. Pinnacle College. And like I said, Dawson's going to be there. Everything, everything about sound, sound engineering, soup to nuts. Contact Pinnacle College at PinnacleCollege Edu, or give him a call. 877-206-6206. That's 877-206-6206. Pinnacle College. Dot, Ed, F and U. Oh, maybe it's just Edu. The other one was a Jeremy Piven movie where I actually had less hair than he has now.

[Mike Lynch]

Pcu.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, take a picture of that. Look at that movie has actually less hair in. You're still waiting on yours.

[Mike Lynch]

I'm hoping it goes to pivot.

[Adam Carolla]

How about Piven mocking your scalp? Constantly.

[Mike Lynch]

Every time I see him on Entourage, all I see is that scalp laughing at me.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally has more hair. All right, let's take a quick break. Be right back with our guest next. All right, we're back with Eugene Mirman. Did I pronounce that right?

[Eugene Mirman]

Sure. Yeah. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Eugene from Bob's Burgers, which I watched a premiere of Lamb Sunday on fox. Very funny. 8:30, by the way. Congratulations. Which voice do you do on that program?

[Eugene Mirman]

I played Gene, the middle kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know, the kid wearing the burger?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Mike Lynch]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

They drew him a little like me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yes, I'd say a lot. A little like yo.

[Eugene Mirman]

A lot. A little like me. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Does the rest of the cast sort of have a. Have a look that resembles their look?

[Eugene Mirman]

Maybe Kristen's character, maybe the little bunny girl, but no, I mean, John Benjamin doesn't have a mustache, and the others are men playing women.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't ruin it for me. I already beat off to the mom. Please tell me that wasn't a dude.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, dear God. Now I gotta find that semen and stuff it back in my penis. That's the only way to undo it. It's the only way to make it right again.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's so cool that you keep it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Where do you keep it?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't catalog it, but. Well, obviously, it's not that bad an idea.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's a brilliant idea.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm funneling that stuff back in later tonight.

[Allison Rosen]

You should profile it.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, you should definitely fill your dick back up now.

[Adam Carolla]

What? As a matter of fact, you sound sort of like the dad a little bit. Me? You're your regular voice.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, well, I use my regular voice and then they pitch it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that. Is that how it works? Yeah, we're.

[Eugene Mirman]

We. I think, except for John. John Roberts, who plays the mom that you jerked off, too. He. He used, like, does a voice. Super hot dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

O. You're cool.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, yeah. He. He doesn't look. He's. I forget the question. But he's very hot.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't look like it's hot, though. No, you. They say you pitch your voice.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, yeah. Everybody does essentially their normal voice, and then mine is pitched up so that I sound a little younger. Younger. Yeah. So I don't sound, like, sped up

[Allison Rosen]

or slow down or something?

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, it. No, it's. It means.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, like.

[Eugene Mirman]

Like whatever pitching is. That's what they do. But they don't slow it down at a.

[Adam Carolla]

Or is that him? There's.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's John Roberts. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Wow, you're good.

[Adam Carolla]

He's pretty good.

[Eugene Mirman]

Team.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Team.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess I could leave it in the hamper. Anyway, let's not talk about my urethra anymore. I'm interested in the pitching up because it's kind of it's nice because you get the sensibility of a seasoned comedian.

[Eugene Mirman]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

In the voice of a. What is supposed to be a 12 year old kid. Right.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. And you. But you also get to talk normally. I don't have to be like me, me, I'm a kid. Like, I can hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

That was funny.

[Eugene Mirman]

That was pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Ye.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's how kids describe themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Edward G. Roger.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't let them know that you can do that or else fire their pitchers.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? See? Yeah. Because I'm just like old school. Like I thought in order to pitch it up, they'd have to speed it up. So you'd have to take a quaalude to talk. Like before they.

[Eugene Mirman]

And then they would pull the like. Well, I don't think they use like

[Allison Rosen]

an iPhone that does it now probably.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, they have a cassette now.

[Eugene Mirman]

The whole thing's auto tuned.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So the show. I, I heard at least I noticed that the ratings were great for the show and Mazel tov. As the people wouldn't hire. Hire me would say. And so it got out of the gate nicely.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Good episode. People like the episode.

[Eugene Mirman]

People watched it. I, you know, which is. Which is also what's important.

[Adam Carolla]

Let them vote with their eyeballs, as my grandfather used to say. Yeah. So off to a flying start with Bob's Burgers. Let's talk about other projects. What else you got cooking?

[Eugene Mirman]

What else? That's a good.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't need anything else. But I know you do a lot of performing, right?

[Eugene Mirman]

I'm on a delocated. I tour a lot. I'm doing San Francisco Sketch Fest this weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

How does that go?

[Eugene Mirman]

How does Sketch Fest go? Yeah, it's a bunch of shows with your group.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a true.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, no, no. I'm. I mean I have a bunch of friends in comedy and.

[Adam Carolla]

But you don't have a. You know, you're not. With the frayed knots.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, no, I don't have like a bunch of goofballs who travel the country.

[Adam Carolla]

They weren't. I mean they're not all goofballs.

[Eugene Mirman]

Go on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's all I have to say.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, well, like I'm doing shows like John Glazer and Kristen Schull and people from. We're doing like a Bob's Burgers panel and then comedy show. Wouldn't it be Todd Berry? You probably know Todd.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. But the Bob's Burgers thing, I mean that Fox franc. I mean that point when you get to sit around and do readings At Carnegie hall and get standing ovations and all that kind of.

[Eugene Mirman]

They have to air a second episode before that might happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to think back on the Simpsons if they did that. But it is. I mean, what great work if you can get it, you know? And I mean, in a business that's filled with question marks, I would say animation, Fox being on the air sandwiched between you guys are between Family Guy. No way. You're going on. Yeah, Family Guy and Family Guy. In a business filled with uncertainty, this is about as good as it gets.

[Eugene Mirman]

I'll be furious if this fails.

[Adam Carolla]

I would be fucking rich, by the way. Blame everyone but yourself.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's whatever. Millions of Americans that didn't watch it.

[Adam Carolla]

And how the show. The thing that I really liked about the show, and it's the thing, I guess, that people liked a lot about Dr. Katz, is that, you know, it's conversational. And they say that it was sort of. Of taped. Instead of one guy's in New York and the other guy's.

[Eugene Mirman]

We all do it together. We record in a room together for, like, the whole day, right? And we'll do, you know, the script they wrote because we're not jerks. And then we'll also improv a bunch. So we'll do like 10 takes or whatever of a scene, half of which are what the script is and half of which are different, but. But still hit the same points and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

And you can hear people sort of starting to talk while other people are finishing what they're saying. And it just has a kind of cool, organic flow. And I. It's. It's the way people converse in normal life. And he makes you sort of wonder why there's not more of that done.

[Eugene Mirman]

We're the mammoth of animation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Animation verite.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's so real. So. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Where do you guys record? Are you out in Los Angeles?

[Eugene Mirman]

Half of us are in New York, and then a few are out here. Most of the cast is in New York, and then we do it on the phone or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're. You're in New York.

[Eugene Mirman]

I'm in New York, yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And have you always been out in New York?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. I never lived here. I mean, I lived in Boston and then I lived in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

I was reading here that you were. I don't know where the hell I put that. But you were in special ed in the fourth grade. Is that correct?

[Eugene Mirman]

Special Ed. Not in the fourth grade, but from the sixth to the 12th grade. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, that's not bad.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. Fourth grade, I was a genius. And then they were like, wait a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Special ed.

[Eugene Mirman]

What was like in Massachusetts they had resource room, which was like. So it wasn't like special ed where you had like a health. But it was like special ed where they were like, there's something terribly wrong with you and you have to go to this class where we'll try to figure it out.

[Adam Carolla]

What, what, what does it turns out was wrong with you?

[Eugene Mirman]

You know, I don't think I was ever diagnosed. I think just people hated me and I was terrible at school and just.

[Allison Rosen]

You were born in Russia, right?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, it's true. So I grew up here during the Cold War.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Eugene Mirman]

When they were like. When people hated Russians.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that sting. He realized that they love their children too, over there.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But, yeah, it was weird. It's a weird time. Well, how do you feel about that?

[Eugene Mirman]

I mean, now I think it's all fine, but at the time they were like, you must be retarded.

[Adam Carolla]

And so, I mean, obviously you weren't. You weren't. You weren't captain of the football team. I mean, no hand. Eye coordination wasn't what it could be.

[Eugene Mirman]

But I was great with a sword, obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sure, all Russians or a broken off Smirnoff bottle actually fighting weapon of choice. But you're. What happened to breaking the bottle on the counter and going, come on, come on. I feel like this was in every third movie I watched growing up. And nobody does it anymore.

[Eugene Mirman]

I look forward to doing it one day.

[Adam Carolla]

Please.

[Eugene Mirman]

If somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we do it with the plastic water bottle.

[Adam Carolla]

Weave it into Bob's burgers. Come on.

[Eugene Mirman]

I gotta yell, argh.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you yell, come on. And you.

[Eugene Mirman]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

You hold the bottle with one hand.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, yeah, I knew that. There's cameras.

[Adam Carolla]

And with the other hand, you do the thing where you motion with just your fingers.

[Eugene Mirman]

Attack.

[Mike Lynch]

Bring it.

[Eugene Mirman]

And then I get mad and I lunge at you and you dodge.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like you're calling cat.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, yeah. This is very unmenacing plastic bottle, I have to say.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're. You're in school, they diagnose you as.

[Eugene Mirman]

As just something's wrong somewhere between.

[Adam Carolla]

Stillborn.

[Eugene Mirman]

Well, they. Well, it's before add. You know what I mean? It's before any time where they're like. It's literally when you could either be like retarded or something was wrong. And so they were like, I don't know, you do badly in school. I mean, a lot of people would say, like, you don't live up to your potential. But they were all wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, you're. Were you a bad student as well, or just.

[Eugene Mirman]

I was a terrible student. I had like, I would. Yeah, I'd get season Ds and Fs. I mean, I graduated and I like, you know, got a bunch of Bs towards the end and I got into college and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you speak Russian?

[Eugene Mirman]

I do speak Russian.

[Adam Carolla]

What's this idea that you're bilingual? I don't know. Feel like you're. I mean, I would have offered up when people were calling me retarded. I'd go, how much Russian you speak? And I would say it in Russian, though, to really with that. Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

And then they would be like, this guy's not a threat. He's not. He's not a commie.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you say that in Russian, by the way?

[Eugene Mirman]

He's not a commie.

[Adam Carolla]

No. How much Russian do you speak?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes. I don't know how to say asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, because my parents didn't swear

[Adam Carolla]

stick something good.

[Eugene Mirman]

I think I can be like, clean your room.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Eugene Mirman]

Terrible grade kid.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's hear that. You know what I was. You know what always cracks me up? Always cracks me up when, like when, when I. I've had that thing happen where I go, all right, say, and I use a bunch of brand names, I go, all right, say Adam Carolla. How would you say Adam Carolla is going to Disneyland? First I'm gonna stop at McDonald's. Okay, say it, Carolla.

[Eugene Mirman]

You did Disneyland. McDonald's.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, that's what I said. I just said that.

[Eugene Mirman]

Is that what you wanted me to repeat?

[Adam Carolla]

That was so boring.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's what you wanted me to repeat?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that didn't sound Russian at all. Are we looking at you in high school?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's. Yeah, we are totally looking at me.

[Allison Rosen]

So you were a stone.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, no, I really wasn't.

[Allison Rosen]

The sun was in your eyes.

[Eugene Mirman]

I mean, I looked like that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that from the yearbook?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, that's from the yearbook.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Eugene Mirman]

And you're like, I had a boombox

[Adam Carolla]

out on the lawn. You had a boombox?

[Eugene Mirman]

Aerosmith.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you seem like a marvelously intelligent guy. Why were you. Why were you such a bad student?

[Eugene Mirman]

You know, I think it was that. It was that literally just people hated me and it was just school is a terrible place, so anything to do with it, I just.

[Adam Carolla]

Why did people hate you?

[Eugene Mirman]

I think at first it was because I was foreign and then it was because I was just weird. And then it was like around 92 or something. It became okay to be weird. Like Nirvana got popular or whatever. People were like, yeah, maybe you're funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So that worked. Yeah, yeah. Did you date, did you have a girlfriend?

[Eugene Mirman]

I had girlfriends towards the end of high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's pretty good for a weird retarded guy.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's not bad.

[Eugene Mirman]

It all worked out fine. It was mostly the. It was like first to 10th grade or first to 11th. It was sort of terrible. Then the last year and a half were kick ass. I ran for a senior class president.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Eugene Mirman]

Because I was so unpopular. It was very funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I see.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you galvanize the losers?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, a lot of people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

It was like, except for I lost, but I lost by like 20 votes out of like several hundred. Like I was very close to having to organize crap. Now.

[Adam Carolla]

He ran on a platform of putting a wall through the cafeteria and having an east cafeteria and a cafeteria.

[Eugene Mirman]

A friend of mine actually came up with a, with a slogan for me and it was, it's not just a change, it's a mutation. Then we put that all over the school. It was galvanizing.

[Adam Carolla]

So you had a sense of humor back then?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who got class clown?

[Eugene Mirman]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did.

[Eugene Mirman]

Bye bye. Yeah. By the end, that's what I'm saying, it all turned around because I was so infamous that it was. That it just flipped into being like, you know, then liked.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, thank God for Nirvana. And those kids landed on their feet, didn't they?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So did you get any other senior superlatives? Yes, they did. They're doing a reunion soon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I keep waiting for him.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, that was it. Just class clown.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, just class clown.

[Eugene Mirman]

What do you want?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

When I had, when I was in high school and in junior high especially, even more creepily, like they had like best legs, best body, best physique, you

[Allison Rosen]

know, like weird as voted on by the teachers.

[Adam Carolla]

It was kind of weird to see the 14 year old chick who had. Who you wanted to fuck the most. Essentially. Like it was. They had a lot of, you know, like smartest. It's like I had stuff I don't think would fly today. Think you could do like even most likely to succeed would probably alienate too much of the student body. They still have all that.

[Eugene Mirman]

A friend of mine who's from Alabama who's like two years older than me, they, they in her class when she was graduating had class favorite and black class favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Eugene Mirman]

And this is, you know, same Person want it the 90s. Like 90s. 80s 90s.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Favorite black. Jesus Christ.

[Eugene Mirman]

Welcome to America.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. So sad. Yeah. They wouldn't have that in Russia.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, they didn't have any.

[Adam Carolla]

That's David.

[Eugene Mirman]

They're too racist to even be racist. Yeah, it's Russia for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What's up with Russia? Are they doing all right now?

[Eugene Mirman]

I think they're, you know, a little.

[Adam Carolla]

But a little bit.

[Eugene Mirman]

They're all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

They're better than they were. But I think would not be inaccurate.

[Adam Carolla]

I was watching a Little World War II in color last night watching Stalin just with everybody.

[Eugene Mirman]

He's their favorite still.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Eugene Mirman]

When they do votes in Russia of who's your favorite Russian people will in Russia today.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like Hasselhoff probably would have Germany. I know the wall came down. I feel like he made it. He straddled that wall a little bit.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They still like Stalin really defeated Hitler.

[Eugene Mirman]

Like they'll literally all go like he did kill 20 million people, but he got Hitler.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Hitler was one of them.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

But. But Churchill did too. And he didn't have to kill his own people.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, they're tough breed over there. All right, should we do a little bit more of the news and Eugene, you can, you know, hang out, chime in, crack wise. Can't wait. And now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. The Gootmocker Institute, which has been tracking abortions in the United States since 1974, has just released its most recent recent study and has found that abortion, by

[Adam Carolla]

the way, that is. That equals not getting laid at a party. Like what do you do? I work for the Gook Mocker Institute. Oh, what do you do over there? We track abortions.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of freshen up that drink for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

What if you were really hot, though? What if it was someone really hot who worked for the Guttmacher Institute? I might look, I might overlook that all is forgiven.

[Eugene Mirman]

People would definitely that person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. You track abortions. Yeah. Okay. Dog.

[Allison Rosen]

And they've. They can smell them clinic nearby and their. Their pro choice and they found that abortion rates which have been steadily declining are now leveling off. In 2008, 1.21 million women had abortions, which was essentially the Same numbers in 2005. Their analysis is broken down by state. So I have a list of of states where the most abortions and least. Would you like to guess at all they measure measure in abortions per thousand women.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm going to go most. I'll just. I'll just go New York.

[Eugene Mirman]

Really? You don't think it's Delaware?

[Adam Carolla]

Rhode Island.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you see the list?

[Eugene Mirman]

I don't know. Just the guy who's talking about Delaware. I don't know what I saw, what I didn't see.

[Adam Carolla]

I would. I would just. I'm thinking about popular, you know, and then, you know, blue state would be nice, but I don't know why I'm. I would think California, New York would jump. Jump to mine or. But Delaware definitely make top three.

[Allison Rosen]

It is Delaware.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's what I.

[Eugene Mirman]

Because of their tax laws.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Eugene Mirman]

They have all those.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I don't know. It does. So Delaware number one, then New York, then New Jersey, then D.C. per capita or total?

[Adam Carolla]

It's per capita women, so I didn't listen to the question. Right. It's per thousand, so it doesn't matter. Better if you have 20 million people versus 1 million people. It's per. Per thousand.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah. There's way more abortions in California, but way less percentage of the people.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Okay.

[Eugene Mirman]

I work at the institute now.

[Adam Carolla]

I get it.

[Eugene Mirman]

And I'm here to get laid a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

I get it. Yes.

[Eugene Mirman]

Because I work at the institute.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm. Listen, I. I love abortions because it's. It slows crime down 18 years on, which is something I'm very. I'm very passionate about. But, you know, the people that are against it, and, you know, I'm not one of these. I'm not one of these people that goes berserk one way or the other, because I understand, like, yeah, keep it legal, keep it safe, let them make a choice. On the other hand, I understand you're vacuuming out a life. There's gotta be something involved with that. You know, it's not like, hey, come on. What are you insane? You don't think that. You don't think a shop vac should be filled up with fetuses? Like, I understand their argument about it, but here's the part where I'm gonna just go ahead and call them hypocrites. They're really just religious people and they don't like sex out of marriage or out of wedlock, and they really don't like people having casual or indiscriminate sex. And really what they're saying is if you can have an abortion, then you can just go ahead and have sex with a stranger with no consequences. And we're trying to prevent that. That's what they're saying, but that's what they mean. What they're saying is we don't like abortions because it's immoral or whatever. And here's the problem.

[Greg]

Proof.

[Adam Carolla]

Geez. At least 10 years ago, the morning after pill came out and the morning after pill was just a combination of birth control pills that essentially a woman could take 72 hours. After 72 hours, up to 72 hours. Sorry, expert. After 74. Yeah, the con, you know, it's what

[Allison Rosen]

I rely on for birth control.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

It allows me to have sex with strangers.

[Adam Carolla]

If somebody said, look, I really hate this, whether it's abortions or you tell me, you know, whatever it is, like you go, I'm really into the coast and I'm really into coastal waters and I'm really worried about oil spills. And I said, oh good, because I just, I got an idea for double hulled tanker, so if it hits a rock, it won't spew oil into the, into the Gulf. And you went, no, not for that.

[Greg]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not for that, though. And you're like, well, wait a minute, this could stop or slow down this thing that you hate so much. And they went, now if we, if you put that up at the, if you put that up at the Walmart, I'm going to go pick at the place. So they say they hate abortion. There's something that could afford it, right?

[Eugene Mirman]

I mean, I don't know if they also might think it's murder if you come on someone's tits.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. That's what I did with the mom from Bob's Burger before I knew it was a dude.

[Mike Lynch]

Dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Before I knew it was a dude. The point is this.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like they think that's a lesser form of murder.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's not, it's, it's, it's greater.

[Adam Carolla]

It stops the egg from implanting or whatever the fuck it does, but it's not, there's no viable anything, you know, for the morning after pill. And again, if you really hated the scourge of abortion, then you would be for the morning after pill. Or at least you do the homework and get the science out. It's not an abortion pill.

[Allison Rosen]

But they're barely for. I mean, we're generalizing, but many of them are not for condoms.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. That's, that's.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, I think a lot of them are for condoms. It's only Catholics that aren't for condoms.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, they're sort of hypocrites in that there is, there's something that's been around for. Here's what drives me nuts about this country. This stuff has been around for 15 years. Drew and I have been talking about it for 15 years. Yes, it's as old as the. It is not RU486. It's the morning after pill. It's just a combination of birth control and they've been using it in Europe and it's perfectly safe. And there's not like. Well, the science is not out. The jury's out, and there's nothing. It's fine. We should use it. Everyone should have it on their nightstand. And yet it's not. And we don't talk about it.

[Allison Rosen]

But are you. 486 is a different thing, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that is an abortion.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's the abortion.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Eugene Mirman]

But then there's a super powerful birth control pill. That's what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a combination, I think, of a couple of them. But either way, it should be talked about and women should have access to it. That's all I'm saying. And it's been around for 15 years.

[Eugene Mirman]

They shouldn't have to switch to Canada.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, actually, now you don't need a prescription to get expert over here. Yeah, you don't. You don't need a prescription to get the morning after pill.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You just need a note from your parents. Not really. Or actually, maybe you do. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe if you're under 18 or 16 or something.

[Allison Rosen]

But that. Only there's a limited time frame where that works.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, anyway, abortions are flat.

[Eugene Mirman]

You wait to take one and see what happens on the. Less.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Would you like to guess the state that had the least.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the least fewest abortions? I'm going to go. Let's see. See, Try not to be racist here. Let's see. I think do my best.

[Allison Rosen]

Why start now?

[Adam Carolla]

Difficult. I know. I just thought I'd take one news story off. I just take one. I'm gonna go. Washington.

[Eugene Mirman]

Can I take a guess?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, you can.

[Eugene Mirman]

North Dakota.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian, what happened now?

[Eugene Mirman]

That was a legitimate guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that was. Okay, we're doing.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have a guess? Just guess. Just say a state name.

[Mike Lynch]

Oh, Arkansas.

[Allison Rosen]

No, Wyoming.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew it.

[Eugene Mirman]

I was not far. Depending on where Wyoming and North Dakota are.

[Allison Rosen]

And then right above that, Mississippi. Right above that, Kentucky. Right above that, South Dakota.

[Eugene Mirman]

Meaning places where they murder abortion doctors. Yeah, those are the places where it's least common.

[Adam Carolla]

Bible Belt. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

And they reported that providers, abortion providers, 89% of them said that they had been harassed.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Which is amazing that 11% hadn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Not been harassed.

[Eugene Mirman]

They're probably more sneaky.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice job sucking out the fetuses, Doc. Except this Whitman sampler. Please. On the behalf of the town.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think they actually use a shop vac.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't.

[Allison Rosen]

I could be wrong. I have not sat.

[Adam Carolla]

I am. I'm disappointed. I know it's. I know it's a canister. It's not an upright.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a Dyson ball. And it's good. It rotates all the way around.

[Adam Carolla]

Hear that guy? Oh, snl, if you're listening. Wait a minute. You're going up to do sketch Fest next week, right?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, but that's like a stand up.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you do the Dyson guy?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we need to speed up the voice or can you do the Dyson guy?

[Eugene Mirman]

I guess it depends. 1. What does he sound like?

[Adam Carolla]

Like he sort of picture a tired Richard Branson who really loves suction. If you could do that.

[Eugene Mirman]

I don't think I can, but I'll. I'll pitch it around the city.

[Mike Lynch]

Subdued Malcolm McDowell.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude. It's a guy going. It's like I've spent my life obsessed.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, I've seen him.

[Adam Carolla]

Fetus removal.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, yeah. He's like, British and he's. He, like, loves making better vacuums every year, Right? Oh, that guy's great. That's gonna be a great sketch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Eugene Mirman]

On your new sketch show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Eugene Mirman]

Until it's ruined by.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just all sketches about abortion bags

[Adam Carolla]

can fill up with fetuses and become clogged. Stuff like that.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like if you could tie that into your Putting your friendly fire back in the gun. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Yeah. Then who could forget then?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what you'd have if you could tie them together. Something great, though.

[Eugene Mirman]

You mean a vacuum cleaner that shot his semen back into his dick?

[Adam Carolla]

I must reverse the polarity on this. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

You could play the film forward or backwards and magic would be happening.

[Eugene Mirman]

Cool.

[Allison Rosen]

Disgusting.

[Adam Carolla]

Next story.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah,

[Allison Rosen]

this one's big. In Florida prisons, the honey bun is more popular than cigarettes as a form of currency. Inmates buy 270,000.

[Eugene Mirman]

Wait, what is that? Repeat that.

[Adam Carolla]

The honey bun.

[Allison Rosen]

The honey Bun. That pastry.

[Adam Carolla]

Sticky bun.

[Allison Rosen]

Sticky, sweet honey bun.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Inmates buy 270,000 honey buns a month. And across the state, honey buns sell more than tobacco envelopes and cans of Coke.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? And it's a form of. Form of currency.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. But they also eat them and enjoy them. And here's some info about jailhouse Cuisine a day's meal must meet the 2,750 calorie a day requirement and cost about $1.76 per inmate per day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, problem inmates have special management meals of something called neutral loaf.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of coach, a lot of kosher meals, things like that, which is

[Allison Rosen]

a tasteless lump of carrots, spinach, and grits. I feel like I would strangely like neutral loaf.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I've eaten in prison with Jimmy Kimmel before. We went to a maximum security place like out here, where the hell it was Pelican Bay. What else? Pelican Bay? Nah, this was out. This. Out in the desert, Folsom. And we went. We went out there and we did. We did lunch with the. With the prisoners. And food is pretty fucking bad. I mean, it's not fattening.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it greasy bad?

[Adam Carolla]

They have a. They had a. The most disgusting part is they had a gravy substance that was sort of gelatinous, and it was considered a vegetable. And it was weird. I don't know.

[Greg]

Know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what it was. And then as far as forks and spoons and things, Utensils went, there was issues with that. But everyone we're with was a murderer, essentially. And it was really weird. It's weird talking. I'll never forget. There was one guy. He. He. I don't know why, but he looked like Miranda's p. Whipped boyfriend in Sex and the City.

[Allison Rosen]

Steve. That was his name.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate to say, but yes, it was Steve. And he looked just like that guy. Sounded like him. About the same age. You're gay for saying that 10 years ago. And he was playing the guitar, and he's playing the guitar very well. And I said, wow, they let you bring your guitar into the joint with you? That's. That's nice of him. And he said, oh, no, no, I didn't play before I got in. I'd played. I'd been playing for about nine years, but evidently he'd been in for like 10 years. And he looked like he was like 27 at the time. I was like, jesus Christ. And he was real. He was singing. He was kind of talented. He was kind of good. And he seemed like a thoughtful guy and he was friendly and everything. And again, he looked like Miranda's boyfriend. And then I said, so when are you getting out? And he said, never. And I said, what do you mean? It's like I killed somebody and no chance of parole. So this is it.

[Allison Rosen]

He was that sanguine about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll look that word up later. But calm. Yeah. Yeah, he was very. That was his demeanor. His demeanor was that. And he sort of made peace with it and just basically said, I'm never, never leaving this place. And he was younger than I was at the time. Like, it was just. He didn't seem like he posed any threat or anything. This was the. In with the population of murderers that actually were cool.

[Eugene Mirman]

The murderers that were like, all right, this is where we're in on the. You know, we got to stick around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The murderers that were like. You know what I mean? Like, murdering. But I'm not nuts about getting murdered.

[Eugene Mirman]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? And if I'm gonna be here, I'm a more. I'm a murderer, not a murderee.

[Eugene Mirman]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And seeing how I'm gonna be around this place for the next 35 years, I don't be looking over my shoulder, ready to get shanked every 10 minutes. So you know what? I'm gonna hang out with the popular murderers and the cool guys that don't shank people quite as much and hang out with that group.

[Eugene Mirman]

And do they have a separate area where, like, they can play guitar and get hobbies and stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're out. They.

[Allison Rosen]

They are like summer. It's like they choose electric, like, sad camp.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

We're like, you are in prison, but you get a guitar and some paints.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is. And these are. These are the cool murders. The popular murders. And. No, it's just this sort of thing where they.

[Eugene Mirman]

Fonzie. The Fonzie murderer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sounds nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that, like, how Special Ed was?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, Special Ed was like that, but not really. It was a lot of people who. Everybody had something wrong, and I think they knew what was wrong with the other people, but not themselves. Yeah. Or no, with maybe the other kids, not me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, they couldn't tell erratically. Nobody was ever like you of this.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Eugene Mirman]

I was just like, yeah. Anyway, they weren't. It was fine. They weren't cool. I wouldn't describe them as Fonzie. Like, the prisoners you met, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're all Fonzie. They really were cool. Yeah. Some of them were Travolta from Greece, but the others were Fonzie breaking their pussy fingers. Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Were any of them Dylan from 90210 couple.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy almost was. And like I said, they just went. They did the same thing I would do if I was in the joint, which is go, look, if I'm gonna be here for the next 50 years. I don't want to be getting in fights in the shower every 10 minutes. Like, please let me hang out with the other fucking people that just want to spend the next 50 years reading books and playing the guitar and let's just get along and if you're a troublemaker, they'll throw you out. So that's what it was. But they let us loose in that with those guys, no problem. Problem. That's good times.

[Allison Rosen]

Prison sounds so different than what you hear. It's not just bread and water. It's not people killing each other. Well, your prison experience.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Mine wasn't bad.

[Eugene Mirman]

Well, he found nice murderers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, cool. I found the cool ones.

[Bat]

Murderers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the popular ones. Yeah. You want to do a little hobo power?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like these people have been on hold for a million years. It's time for hobo power. Adam's unit of stink measurement. You give us your stink story and we'll rank the funk. Yeah, Eugene, I. I just sort of figured out, I don't know when, but on the radio some years ago that. No, no, it was on MTV a million years ago with Dr. Drew that there's no unit of stink measurement. Like, people go, oh, man, that dude was rank. Or that guy. Guy, the fart was bad. But we have, you know, kilowatts and BTUs and inches and yards and like many miles per hour. Like, we can, we can basically quantify everything, gallons and whatnot. But stink we don't really have. And I thought, I'll come up with something called hobo power and I'll. I'll quantify stink. And the thing I, I believe. Now here's how it goes. 50. Hobo power is a cat that's been fed exclusively blue cheese that shits on a white hot hibachi. And the plume of smoke that comes off of that, that's. That's a fifty. A hundred is theoretical. No one's ever lived and smelled a hundred. And I will not give you higher than a 25 and you will have to have either thrown up or dry heaved. Okay?

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not you personally.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, but no, we're gonna make you personally throw up in dry heave.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Great. I look forward to it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, shall we talk to. Let's see, what do you like someone buried a cat 10 years ago? Let's talk to this one. Hey, Bat.

[Bat]

Hi, Adam. How you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. You don't sound like you would shoot up a Safeway at all.

[Bat]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on there, Bat?

[Bat]

Well, you want to Hear a story of horrible smell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Are you on your home phone? Are you on the speakerphone? Bat.

[Bat]

Yeah, but I don't have it. I'm at my mom's house, and I'm in the basement, and I'm calling up the computer. She won't let me use the regular pump.

[Adam Carolla]

I got the same thing going with my mom.

[Bat]

Yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Bat]

I read your book. It was good.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Bet. Go ahead.

[Bat]

You want to hear the story?

[Adam Carolla]

Please.

[Bat]

Well, you know, I. I. When I was growing up, I. I had some friends and. And they got a cat for Christmas, and. And the cat was named Huckleberry, and they had the cat for a couple years, and it unfortunately got hit by a car.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Greg]

And.

[Bat]

And they buried it in the backyard.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got time for. In a toolbox.

[Bat]

Yeah. I don't know why. It was kind of a cost and kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure.

[Bat]

And so we were bored about ten years later. Ten years, and we unearthed this toolbox. It was rusty and kind of cool, crusty and old. And we were banging at it and trying to open it up and trying to figure out, you know, how to. How to get it open because it was so rusty. And finally, you know, we gave it a couple good whacks with a shovel, and it popped open. And I'll tell you, it was like a pink milkshake across the entire. Pink.

[Adam Carolla]

10 years.

[Bat]

10 years. I guess. I guess the poor. The. The rain and the. The snow, you know, being there. But it was full.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was full. Full of cat juice. Yeah. Did anyone throw up? No, there was.

[Bat]

There was screaming, but that's not really the story. We all. I. I kind of grew up with some kind of crazy animals, you know. One of them picked up the toolbox, and as we were running away through it, and I heard it hit behind me, and the backsplash of Huckleberry. Of Huckleberry coated my back.

[Adam Carolla]

Cold jelly. Jean's gonna throw up now. And you might get a 26 out of this.

[Eugene Mirman]

And it seriously doesn't seem to have affected you.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You landed on your feet. Feet.

[Eugene Mirman]

Everything's all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. 40 years old and Mom's basement, top of the world.

[Eugene Mirman]

He might be 30.

[Adam Carolla]

It says 40.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh. Anyway, sorry. Good luck with everything.

[Adam Carolla]

You did get Delaware, though.

[Bat]

How did you know I was from Delaware?

[Adam Carolla]

You're from Delaware.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you had an abortion?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? There's a certain timber in a man's voice when he comes from a great state like Delaware. And I always recognize. Recognize it.

[Bat]

Not many People could pick up the Delaware.

[Adam Carolla]

It's very unique, but I got it. So what are you doing, Bat? What are you doing for a living?

[Bat]

I, I, well, I'm retired. Kind of. I'm on disability.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sure, Kind of.

[Bat]

I used to be a mechanic.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bat]

True story. I got my fingers caught in a sand belt and I lost to of them, and I couldn't do it anymore. Then they had me doing the, you know, the accounting.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Bad wrench.

[Bat]

I couldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

But the point is, is you'd saved up enough to move back to your mom's basement.

[Bat]

Yeah, well, she likes me. Kind of, you know, come and go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you explained her. Next time she gives you a hard time. Nature, nurture. I'll leave it up to you.

[Allison Rosen]

He sounds like Miranda's boyfriend. Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, maybe we can get you a guest spot on Bob's Burger.

[Bat]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that'll work.

[Bat]

Hey, you know what, Adam? I like that. That news girl. She's really, really good.

[Adam Carolla]

She's easy on the eyes as well.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

The lotion in the basket. Yeah, thank you. And thank your mom for lowering my book down in the basket. So you're gonna enjoy it.

[Bat]

Thank you very much, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Bat]

He puts the lotion in the basket.

[Allison Rosen]

He didn't say what the cat juice smelled.

[Eugene Mirman]

I think it was clear that it wasn't great.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Can you guys please do some dueling creepy guy for me while I have a sip of coffee and relax on. It rubs lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it's towed.

[Bat]

It rubs lotion on the skin. It does this whenever it's towed.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it places the lotion in the basket.

[Bat]

Now it places the lotion in the basket.

[Adam Carolla]

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else gets the hose again.

[Greg]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Bat, you're scaring Eugene. All right, thank you.

[Eugene Mirman]

He's not the only one. Wait, he was on the phone still? Yeah, I couldn't tell.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that was him playing.

[Eugene Mirman]

I knew that he was doing something.

[Allison Rosen]

And that was Bat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right.

[Mike Lynch]

I think Bat's short for Bat.

[Adam Carolla]

Shake Crazy. Hey, Greg.

[Greg]

Yeah, hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, how are you doing? You're calling from Washington, 44 years of age. You're a dentist?

[Greg]

Yes, I am. I don't know if this story is fair because I'm a professional, but it's fair. Cat juice is a tough act to follow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You. You pulled a tooth from a homeless man?

[Bat]

Well, yeah.

[Greg]

I mean, this this story involves an actual hobo. I was in dental school.

[Adam Carolla]

You just got 10 points, brother. Keep going, keep going.

[Greg]

So I was in dental school, third year, and of course they throw you to the front line lines in the third year.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Greg]

And you're getting all the transients and folks, you know, that need help, but you know, the dental students are just kind of fodder. So they toss you down there to the downtown clinic in Seattle. And so this guy comes in and he's got what looks like to be a softball size swelling in his jaw. And he walks up and sits down and I'm just a young dental student certified, you know, hadn't taken out that many teeth. This guy opens his mouth and it, the stink just from his mouth kind of put me back just a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, sure.

[Greg]

And then he points to the tooth that. That's hurting him. I look in there and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg]

And kind of holding the tooth in is this sort of pre chewed kind of nasty, Dorito ish kind of junk.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, now I saw, I saw the dude on Oprah or Dr. Phil, maybe both. He's got a golden voice. But keep going. Maybe, man, maybe it was you that was responsible for it. So what happened? He pulled the wadding out?

[Greg]

Well, no, the instructor walks up to me and goes, well, you gotta check it for mobility. So I, you know, I'm all gloved up and that, and I got my mask on. I put my finger in there and I kind of just touch it and it makes this sort of sucking sound and this kind of pus bubble. Well, the pre chewed stuff. And on top the pus bubble was this sort of woolen sesame seed.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Greg]

And the thing popped. And when it, when the smell hit my, you know, kind of through my mask there, it was like the perfect storm of the sucking sound and the. Yeah. Kind of blended from frog kind of juice. And I just blew in my mask.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you blew. Tired of this. All right, I'm. I'm repulsed. This.

[Greg]

It was the only time I've ever done that.

[Adam Carolla]

Greg, I'm gonna give you a 37 and just go ahead and declare you a winner. I really am. I don't know why.

[Brian Bishop]

Never play this again.

[Adam Carolla]

I play this game every time. I want to throw up my mouth every time I do it, but I can't help it. I just got to be clear quick. Hey, Donnie, thanks for holding on. I really appreciate it, but melted spatula and a dishwasher is not going to beat the crazy dentist with the huge ball of cloth. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, listen, he knows when to hold up, when to fold up. And Jesse.

[Greg]

Yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

Yours is cat urine based. We already had a liquefied cat, so again, you're gonna come in second to that. Crazy man. But I appreciate you holding all these minutes. I really do. Jesse. Hey, no problem. The silver medal feels great. Yeah, Absolutely. Take a lot of pride in that.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's bronze.

[Allison Rosen]

But

[Adam Carolla]

because the dentist won, the cat's blue cheese.

[Allison Rosen]

Crap on a hot hibachi is more than this. The. The.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, I know. I'd say maybe 51. I think I'd rather a cat on a hibachi. Throwing up in your own mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

A human infection. Smell now.

[Mike Lynch]

Okay, you already calibrate, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying. The plume of smoke.

[Brian Bishop]

Remember the catometer.

[Adam Carolla]

You better check your attitude, missy, because we're still in the trial phase of this whole news girl thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't check your hobometer. It's perfectly.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is this, you two naysayers. The cat was fed nothing but blue cheese. Exclusively blue cheese.

[Eugene Mirman]

A homeless male man's pus, and your own vomit

[Adam Carolla]

upon a white hot hibachi.

[Eugene Mirman]

The smell was probably deadly.

[Adam Carolla]

The plume of smoke that came forward. All right. But maybe you're okay.

[Mike Lynch]

There's only one way to settle this.

[Eugene Mirman]

One's also real.

[Mike Lynch]

Only one way to settle this.

[Adam Carolla]

There really is.

[Eugene Mirman]

What?

[Mike Lynch]

To the yard. Find homeless man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's the only way to do this.

[Mike Lynch]

Find a cat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Find some bitches.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? You're making me feel guilty. Greg Craig.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm bumping you up to 51.

[Greg]

Hey, thanks, Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I feel good about it.

[Allison Rosen]

You're welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you. There you go.

[Greg]

In Seattle, too. So think about coming on back up here.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Seattle's always good to us, so we'll come out there soon.

[Greg]

Love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Greg]

You're doing great.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, thanks.

[Greg]

Big fans. Keep it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Bob's Burgers, everybody. On Fox. Funny. And next episode, just as good as last week.

[Eugene Mirman]

Next episode's great. Bob's stuck in the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, watch that. Sunday nights, by the way. 8:30 on Fox. Another jewel in the crown. Oh, I forgot about these fellas. That's right. Oh, my glasses go to my PC. Wait a minute. I don't need glasses to talk about. Go to my PC. Even though I'm gonna put them on anyway. These guys are such fine sponsors. I'm gonna do this one from the heart. Go to my bff.

[Mike Lynch]

Come on, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn it. I gotta look down.

[Greg]

Ah.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to my PC. It's just a crutch, man. It's wintertime, man. It's hard to get out of the house. Big snow drifts out there, salt on the road, screwing up your ride. Why the hell even go to work? Why not use go to my PC? Access your work computer from home poolside. If you're out here in Southern California, if the Starbucks or the papaya dog, anywhere you happen to be, you can go to my PC and you can access your computer online from home, from work, back to home, wherever you like. You can do it on multiple computers, by the way. It starts off with two, but you can just keep adding them, connect anywhere, be at the airport and check out your home or work computer. Go to my PC. You can try it for free. 45 days. 45 days, that's like four months, dude. Free trial only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMyPC.com Click on the try it free button and remember, use the promo code Adam. Eugene Merman, thanks for coming in, buddy.

[Eugene Mirman]

Thank you for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a delight. And I don't care what those teachers said. I like you. Thank you, Allison. Nice job as per usual. Bald Brian. Fantastic. Fabulous. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying mahalo.

[Narrator]

All right, that was Adam Corolla show 477 with Eugene Mirman, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2011. Come up next, we have Adam Kolla, show 631. It's a one on two with Adam Carolla interviewing Jordan Jesse from Jordan Jesse Co. Jordan Jesse, college friends who revolutionized podcasting and public radio to a degree. Jesse especially Jesse was one of the big dogs that came to Corolla's house during the podcast patent troll lawsuit meeting. I actually originally got them booked on the show. Hope you guys Enjoy. Adam Carla Show 631.

[Adam Carolla]

Today, Adam sits down one on two with the guys from the podcast. Jordan, Jesse. Go Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris. And now he wishes he had Jesse's girl. Adam Carolla yeah, Jesse just had a girl.

[Bat]

Girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Boy. Fuck. See, I thought I'd flip the coin on that. It landed right in my ass crack. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on no choice but to get on Mandate. Get it on. Welcome to the podcast once again. Jesse Thorne, Jordan Morris and Jesse. You know, from the Sound of Young America, I did your show, didn't I? Yeah, you did.

[Brian Bishop]

You came over to my house.

[Adam Carolla]

Came over to your house up there up in the hills there. Yeah. Nice wife. So. Oh, you. Congratulations. I had a kid.

[Brian Bishop]

I know it's it's amazing. I had a kid like, days ago, very recently. It was. It was intense. My wife did a natural childbirth. That was her choice. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How did. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, I just wanted to, like, support what she wanted to do, and she really wanted to do it, and boy, did she do it.

[Jordan Morris]

What's her reasoning for it? I wouldn't not. I would not. I think you just pegged Teresa for.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you want to support her or do you not care like me?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I'm. I'm, you know, like, I don't have a strong. And I feel like I don't have a strong enough opinion about whether someone should. Should or should not have a natural childbirth to impose it upon my wife, who's going to be the one bringing a child out of her parts.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

And so she. I don't. She. You know, there's. There's reasons not to want to do it. You know, they like, numb your whole lower body if you, you get. Get an epidural, you can't walk, you can't really do anything, and you can't feel the baby coming out of you, which I guess is the plus side as well as the.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, you can't play beach volleyball that day. But I mean, you did your shit out a kid. I feel. How busy is your dance card?

[Jordan Morris]

You know, Theresa's latent hippie side is coming out. Like, this kid might be bound for the Waldorf school and gender neutral toys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think this is one of those. I think there's. I mean, really, somebody should sit down, everyone, and sort of go, here's what matters and here's what doesn't really matter. And I think the whole child birthing thing, it's so primal to women especially, but it just. In human beings, it's so visceral that we think there's gotta be more to it than there is, but I'm not sure if there is. I think we're just shitting out kids.

[Brian Bishop]

No, here's the thing. I mean, you know how like, you know how like, P. Diddy will, like, run a marathon or something like that? I think this is that. Because as I saw this happen, it took 25 hours that it started at midnight and the baby was born at 1am the next day. It was genuinely. I say this like, not as a joke, not as hyperbole. The most amazing thing I've ever seen a person do. It was. It was so, so unreal to see that happen. Like, I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. I don't want to crap.

[Brian Bishop]

I Think my wife can do anything?

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I don't want to crap on your point, but remember when Antonio Cromartie was playing DB for the Chargers and they're playing Chicago on that windy day and they tried a field goal and he missed it and he took the ball about nine and a half yards deep in the end zone and took it to the house. 109 and a half yards. Would you say it was more incredible than that? Because I don't.

[Jordan Morris]

Also remember that scene in Point Break where Patrick Swayze throws a dog at Keanu Reeves.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When he's chasing him to a house.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. For some reason, the dog, it's an attack dog, but he seems pretty cool with Swayze. But then not when he gets to Keanu.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, right.

[Brian Bishop]

If either of those things had happened over a period of 25 hours, then I think they would match. I think it's that 25 hours part that really, like, I just don't know. I mean, even thinking back on it, I was there the whole time. I don't know how it's possible.

[Adam Carolla]

You see that episode of Happy Days where Pots, he put like 25 quarters on his elbow and then reached down and snatched him really quick out of the air. More amazing than that.

[Brian Bishop]

I would even say that it's more amazing than getting 32 1920s college students on top of a flagpole.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Now you're stretching?

[Jordan Morris]

This is just making me realize that I don't have a capacity for pushing myself. I'm realizing that I had to, like, hotbox my Scion because I was too nervous going into my high school reunion. Like, your wife wanted to have a baby with no drugs.

[Brian Bishop]

That was really what was going through my head the whole time was just, I am not capable of doing anything. I couldn't run a half marathon, much less a regular marathon.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the it's a good gene. The I want to push myself gene. It has its limits. But there's that sort of I'm trying to push myself thing, which is good.

[Jordan Morris]

But then when are you grizzly, man?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, when are you fucking Diana Nyad trying to swim the Nile kind of thing in shark infested water? I don't know. But a little grit and a little chutzpah is a good thing.

[Brian Bishop]

It's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Better than a sort of southern belle, like, swooning all the time. Oh, I feel like I've got the vapors.

[Jordan Morris]

Jesse, you did push your own fainting couch into the delivery room, right? Because you can't stand the sight of blood.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, I did. I had my valet bring some smelling salts just in case.

[Jordan Morris]

Adam, what was your wife's childbirth like?

[Adam Carolla]

She went C section. So it was like. We just scheduled it. It was kind of funny. We had twins. So the deal was they were supposed to be brought out via a melon baller.

[Brian Bishop]

6606 surgical melody.

[Adam Carolla]

Six, six. And it was this weird thing. I. I am wildly unreligious. But somebody said, you really want your kids to be born on 666? I started thinking about it. Wow, that's interesting. And then I thought, all right, fuck it, let's go the following day. So we went six, seven.

[Jordan Morris]

A less demonic day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, a slightly less demonic day. And, you know, my feeling was, is I'm sort of like you, Jesse, in that I just want to. I don't have. Here's my problem. I don't. I have sawdust coursing through my veins. It's not even ice water. It's nothing. You know what I mean?

[Jordan Morris]

It's. It's immobile, is what you're saying. It doesn't flow.

[Adam Carolla]

All I want to do is like, I want to. Here's how I go through life. Like, look, if you don't want to get me a Christmas present, I don't want to get you a Christmas present. If you don't want to hug, we don't need to hug. And I only. I will go along and do with whatever you do so I don't piss you off. But if it was up to me, I would acknowledge your birthday. And you don't have to acknowledge my birthday. And I'll just sort of coast through life without any. Any hug or birthday cards or anything.

[Brian Bishop]

You're like a taxidermied bear.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, except for. I feel like they. They serve some purpose. At least there's an aesthetic value there. They're decorative. Yeah. They could also scare off. Scare off, like, intruders who are really high. I don't really even serve that purpose, but, you know, so, you know, my thing with my wife was like, where do you want me to be? Because if you want me there, then I'm there. But if you want me handing out cigars in the waiting room, that's. There's a place for me to be. And so we took him out at 6, 7, 6.

[Eugene Mirman]

And

[Adam Carolla]

it was like, you know, let's stand there and kind of hold the hand. It's this weird thing because it's so counterintuitive, because we live in a world where if you get on the wrong side of A piece of tape. Somebody's gonna give you the. Sir, I'm going. Sir, we have to ask you. Sir, what need you to do right now? I'm just gonna to have. Just go. Like you ever do it, like, especially at the airport or the DMV or like anywhere. If you wander into some area. I mean, go to the fucking DMV and just try to walk around to the other side of the counter. Just hang out for five minutes before you get there. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you do right now. Just go ahead for me right now. Just move ahead. Right. Okay, go ahead, sir. So it's weird that here you are in this OR and it's crowded. I mean, there's six, seven people in there. Especially if you're going to. With the melon balling routine where there's somebody working the anesthesia and there's somebody working the oxygen and there's. It's a little beehive of activity in a room that's half the size of this room. And then there's your ass. You think you should be useless ass

[Brian Bishop]

in the observation gallery having some peanuts or something.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying if there's anything that's important going on involving professionals doing it. It's not like you walk up to the cockpit, hey, fellas, what's happening? You know what I mean?

[Jordan Morris]

Well, you're there to tell the pilot he's doing a great job.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna hold your hand. Hey, man, what you did with those elevators, those ailerons, you do get unbelievable.

[Jordan Morris]

You're my inspiration.

[Brian Bishop]

You get worried that you're gonna sneeze or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's just you're sort of in the way too, because you're sort of there holding the hand and everyone's around, and I know it's an emotional thing. And then they wanted me to cut this. The. Then they wanted me to cut the umbilical cord. But there was confusion. I didn't know it was a ceremonial cutting that we did after it was cut already.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, I didn't know that. I thought it would.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they don't tell you. Wow, that's the retarded part. But at a.

[Brian Bishop]

You do use a giant pair of scissors.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Me mean, picture the mayor shaking, right? Sure.

[Jordan Morris]

And someone hand you a giant check

[Adam Carolla]

that says two babies oncore Ed McMahon standing his big foam core. Check. Check. At a certain point. And here's the problem. Here's what happens is there's no official anything that I can go through without finding Fault with it, something wrong with the system. And then I start sounding off. And then whoever's in pain, namely my wife at this point, eventually gets annoyed because I start complaining and make it about me. This particular hospital had. I had a boy and a girl, I had twins, and I couldn't tell. You can't tell them apart. You can't tell them apart, really. You can tell the black kids from the white kids. That's about as far as it gets. Gender. And who's yours? You can't tell. And they give them these beanies. And the beanies had light blue stripes and pink stripes. So each beanie had a pink stripe and a blue stripe. And so I was sort of looking through the glass at my kids when they're in the thing and I was like, I can't tell which one's. One's my son and which one's my daughter because they're all swaddled up. And if they made blue beanies and pink beanies, at least there'd be a gender thing here. But they are so fucking stupid that they buy 200 units of beanies that have blue and pink in them. And why would you even produce a blue and pink beanie? Why not a blue beanie and a pink beanie?

[Jordan Morris]

Was this a hippie dippy thing? Like, we don't want to impose roles on them. We want them to be their own person. It's.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that a principal from a Montessori school?

[Adam Carolla]

Everything is boiling down to a. Somehow, if you, if you recognize genders, you're some sort of maniacal madman who's.

[Jordan Morris]

And a rapist.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all rapists, Right? Right.

[Brian Bishop]

To be fair, we have all raped here, correct?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, technically, if you want to look at the, you know, California statutory laws and rules and things like that. Yes. If someone is, by the way, if you have sex with someone who's had more than two and a half beers, you've raped them. There's the beanie, by the way.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, that is a gender neutral beanie,

[Adam Carolla]

but it's used for identification.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a dual gender. I mean, they could make it green. They could make a gender neutral beanie if that was their objective.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

This is an all gendered beanie.

[Jordan Morris]

But even just one that was white and in black letters said boy and girl. Like just.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that too much?

[Brian Bishop]

Or just said weenus or Ginny.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Buy 10 cases of blue beanies and buy 10 cases of pink beanies and then we shall know the boys from

[Brian Bishop]

the girls My only experience with being at births before my wife gave birth was my brother, who was born when I was like 8 or 9 years old. And I was there when he came out. I wasn't there for the whole thing, but I was there when he came out and he was.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you mean, when he came out?

[Brian Bishop]

When he came out of my stepmother.

[Jordan Morris]

Really? They brought you in there?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I was there.

[Jordan Morris]

Was this in, like a log.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Jordan Morris]

Was this in a log cabin?

[Allison Rosen]

Shaman.

[Brian Bishop]

Was there a shaman around? It was in San Francisco General Hospital, but it was a breech birth. And so I didn't know. I mean, I'm nine years old. I don't know anything about births. And my brother came out your stepmom's vagina.

[Jordan Morris]

More importantly, the first part. That seems like the thing I wouldn't

[Brian Bishop]

want to see the first part of my brother that can. I'm glad I saw it. I mean, miracle of life and all that. But the first part of my brother that came out was his balls. And they were so. I mean, Jordan, I don't know if you've ever been at a birth, but the balls, in the best of circumstances, the balls are swapped swollen, but when they come out first, they're super swollen. And I thought they were his head.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And so I have had this master.

[Jordan Morris]

You thought he was an eyeless freak. You thought he was a.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you don't know what it is. They're. Seriously. I mean, the two of them together were practically the size of a fist. Like, they were head sized.

[Adam Carolla]

The hills don't have eyes. That's basically what we're talking about here. Wait a second. I gotta dissect this for a second.

[Brian Bishop]

Second my brother's balls?

[Adam Carolla]

No, the part where you're brought in, I just don't feel like there's anything I could do. As I've said before, when they were doing the ultrasound and they were showing me and the tech was saying, don't you want to see pictures? And I said, yeah, tell me if the kid's healthy or not. And they said, well, here's the tape. And I said, what? The tape? And then they said, your kids, you know, they're going to want to see this one day, you know, when they're a zygote. And I said, really? I don't think so. I don't think so. And she said, well, how could it hurt? And I just said, how could it help? Because I could give you. I think I give you 150 reasons how it could hurt. And I don't know that this is going to help. I don't know that seeing you at the four month period inside someone's womb is really ever going to do anything for you at any point. And as a matter of fact, if somebody said to me right now, would you like to see you in the second trimester? I'd go, not if there's a Raiders game on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Or I would say, like, if you're trying to, like, better your child and you want to show them, you know, 20 seconds of tape, just show them that scene in Point Break where Patrick Swayze throws a dog at Keanu Reeves.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Or that will do more for them emotionally than seeing their weird zygote.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd like to welcome. Wait about another 55 seconds. You can then show them the scene where it was great every good 80s and 90s movie where the guy would pull the gun.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he'd hold it and he'd kind of hit him in his sights and then he'd go, no. And he'd fire every round in the air. They never really fully thought that out. Because you figured at some point there's gonna be one of those police things where someone goes, hey, man, you fired seven rounds from. From your gun. Where are the spent shell casings? And who were you firing at?

[Jordan Morris]

And there was a mysterious dead hang glider in your vicinity.

[Adam Carolla]

Brought down two noose helicopters right away. Like what that move where you go, you just have to fire it up into the air. That was awesome. But anyway. Your stepmother.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, my stepmother. I mean, they asked me, they said, do you.

[Adam Carolla]

They shouldn't do it.

[Brian Bishop]

They want to see it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they shouldn't.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what, though? I think it was great. I think that it was an amazing thing to see. It was.

[Adam Carolla]

And you came in on the business end of your stepmother.

[Jordan Morris]

Balls out of vagina.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Jordan Morris]

Wait, so okay, were your. Was your dad.

[Brian Bishop]

It's called a bow situation. Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Was your dad and stepmom, were they like walk around the house naked types? No, it was just like old hat for you at this point.

[Brian Bishop]

The thing about it is that the other thing about my brother's being born is that my stepmother is from Belfast in Northern Ireland and she is. She is Catholic and just tough. Just so tough. Like she. Like a funny story that she will tell around the house is the time a policeman tried to rape her and she kicked him in the balls and pushed him down a flight of stairs and sent him to the hospital. That to her. That's hilarious story to her. And so it was amazing just to see her in the throes of childbirth just flee, slipping the fuck out. Just the profanities that came out of her.

[Adam Carolla]

I see. As a nine year old, I would find myself profoundly disturbed by that.

[Jordan Morris]

I had a hard time at 9 watching the scene in Roger Rabbit where Christopher Lloyd's eyes came out and then cartoon eyes popped out behind them. Like, to me, I feel like I had to turn away when that happened. I don't think I could have looked at a member of my family's private part.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sort of could have watched Trilogy of terror at age 9.

[Brian Bishop]

It's one of those things where you're just, just in this, you're in this situation and you're just in it. You know, it's like an in for a penny, in for a pound thing. No matter how old you are, you're there and like life is being born and it's awe inspiring. No matter what.

[Adam Carolla]

What. And this was a sort of a. And you say San Francisco and it's kind of a San Francisco thing and I grew up around it where the parents sort of take their kids and they turn them into adults. Like, well, would you like to do this? And no, I would not like to do homework. All right, well, he says he doesn't choose to do homework like this. The option of looking at your stepmother's prolapsed vagina and the huge testes of your brother at age 9, it just feels like I wouldn't put that on the table. I'd just be like, look, here's two bucks. Go get yourself some soft swirl ice cream and we'll meet you in the lobby.

[Brian Bishop]

You wouldn't like make sort of a poster board with four quadrants and have your child point to which level of participation they'd like to have in the birthing process?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they didn't, but, no, I wouldn't. I don't think I'd give you the option.

[Jordan Morris]

Would you like to man the forcing steps?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Especially if stepmom was losing it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, well, I mean, I, I thought it was amazing. Like I, I genuinely, to this day I'm glad I was there as a kid and it was an amazing experience, but it was Nothing like the 25 hours with my wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So now how.

[Brian Bishop]

That was me. This was me sitting in the waiting room for a couple of hours and then coming in and, oh, the baby's coming out.

[Adam Carolla]

How old's your boy now?

[Brian Bishop]

He's days old.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, days old.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, days old. Less than a week.

[Adam Carolla]

First first child.

[Brian Bishop]

First child. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. You're gonna enjoy it.

[Brian Bishop]

It's overwhelming. I mean, it's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Just played with me.

[Jordan Morris]

I got a new floor lamp for my studio apartment.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk about that. Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Well.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, speaking of kids, recently you were at the Teen Choice Awards, which has turned into some kind of big.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Deal. I did the first couple.

[Jordan Morris]

In what capacity?

[Adam Carolla]

I was song and dance man. Yeah, the very. I think they probably started in 99, maybe 2000 or something like that. Somebody can figure it out. And I was a mtv. I was on mtv. So it's like, oh, we're gonna get the teen doctor Driller.

[Jordan Morris]

Adam, did they still give out surfboards as the trophy? Was that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes. A couple. A few things. I remember I got some free tennis shoes. I got some swag. I remember Beyonce airwalks.

[Jordan Morris]

If that was the year.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember what they were. Yeah, probably Jordan's rookie season. A young Beyonce Knowles and the rest of Destiny's Child children came up to me and Dr. Drew and begged us to come on our radio show. I remember that a while ago.

[Jordan Morris]

Had you heard of them at that point?

[Adam Carolla]

No. There were, you know, there were 15 years year old, cute little black girls who could sing, you know, and it's like, so did I.

[Brian Bishop]

Would you say that you weren't ready for that jelly?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, I was not ready for that jelly. So I said, yeah, come on. And they came. Actually, they came on Loveline and sung say My Name acapella later on. And I said, wow, these guys are really good. They sounded like they were the real deal. But remember that? I remember. I can't remember who hosted it. I remember one of those things with the producers where they said, all right, so you guys will come out, you hit your mark, your stuff's in the teleprompter, then you are going to hand off a woody to the winner of the, you know, hottest kissing scene or something in a. Whatever movie. And I said, well, a woody. And they said, yeah, yeah, here it is. And they hand us the surfboard and they said, that's our ward. It's called a woody. And I said, a woody is a station wagon that carries surfboard, but the surfboard itself's not called a woody.

[Jordan Morris]

They haven't been made of wood since 1910. Like since Kiwaniners use them as war.

[Adam Carolla]

They got the whole surf thing kind of fucked up.

[Mike Lynch]

Like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like when the Beach Boys were singing about packing up their woody and going to Surf City. They weren't talking about packing the. Talking about the Station wagons called a woody. And the guy was like, huh? And I was like, this isn't a woody. This is a surfboard. It's made of fiberglass.

[Jordan Morris]

It's a fiberglassy.

[Brian Bishop]

And the guy just said, cowabunga, dude. You're making too big of a deal of this now.

[Adam Carolla]

He just did a shut up and go do it. Like I said, a woody is a station wagon, not a surfboard.

[Jordan Morris]

And he's like, associated with surf culture.

[Adam Carolla]

I just looked around and went, just go fucking do it.

[Brian Bishop]

And you're lucky you didn't just get like leftover awards from the Blockbuster Entertainment

[Adam Carolla]

Awards, which I may have hosted too. 1999 is, I guess, when we did it. I think I did it the next year. And the next year we were going out there with Daisy Fuentes. Oh, wow. Yeah. And Dr. Drew and me and Daisy were all going out there.

[Jordan Morris]

Was Dan Cortez involved? Did he street luge in and steal the woody?

[Adam Carolla]

Tell you what I did is even if he wasn't there, all I did was close my eyes and he was. Let's put it that way. That's how into Dan Cortez I was at the time.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I remember we're.

[Jordan Morris]

That was when you wore a do rag everywhere, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We're to show. I was in extreme sports. We're back. We're backstage, and we're just standing there with Daisy and me and Drew. And I said, we're not doing what's on the teleprompter. And Drew said, fine, do whatever you want. And Daisy was like, what the hell? And I said, just. And Drew said, we're just going to wing it. It's going to be fun. So. And Daisy, like, it's not going to be fun. I'm Daisy Fuentes.

[Jordan Morris]

I'm not equipped for this.

[Adam Carolla]

And Drew said. I remember very clear, like I'm a pretty. Not a think right as we're walking out, Drew said to. Or I said to Daisy, it's going to be funny to tell your grandkids in 20 years or 50 years or whatever it was. And she said, I'm worried about the next 10 minutes, not about the next 50 years, douchebag.

[Jordan Morris]

That's why I need to get Kennedy in there.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true.

[Jordan Morris]

Kennedy, Kennedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Kennedy the virgin. Kennedy back on mtv could have handled it. Yeah. So I must have done it in 99 and maybe 2000, and then it turned into a big ass thing, I guess.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah. I hosted the livestream of it for the website and kind of interviewed people as they were coming in. And I talked to, from what I understand, all the most beautiful teenagers in the world, like Selena Gomez. A. I can't even think of another one right now. But the main, Everyone was from the Vampire Diaries apparently. But the main thing I patted myself on the back for afterwards was like, oh good. I didn't want to fuck any of them. Like, I was really glad that I didn't. I'm like, oh, good, you're officially not a pedophile. It felt good. I feel like I gazed past the Demi lovatos of the world to like the kind of, you know, zoftig publicists

[Adam Carolla]

behind them, who I was DJ from Bieber. Just to say.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, I mean, again, for the grandkids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, for the grandkids. Hey, you don't want to fuck any of them, right? They seem too young or what was the deal?

[Jordan Morris]

Just, yeah, young and unpleasant. Not, you know. Yeah, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's what's going on. I'm starting to realize as I was, I was. We're sort of talking about this a few weeks back, back when people were talking about Comic Con. And then I realized, you know, since when does Harrison Ford have to go to Comic Con? You know what I mean? Like, would Bogart have gone to Comic Con? They would have, you know, but. But if you would have said, hey, Robert Mitchum, you're going to go on a train to San Diego and hang out with a bunch of guys dressed like Trekkies, he would have been, I'll beat. He would have busted his sherry bottle over the table, but I'll stab you.

[Jordan Morris]

And they always make them do some ridiculous stunt too. Like, didn't Harrison Ford, like come out in like handcuffs or something? Like he had to do some go

[Adam Carolla]

over there and kiss the nerd the hobbit ring, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And so now the one ring. These guys who have no interest in this and who have, you know, they have mansions and they have Oscars and they really, they don't give a fuck about these fucking nerds. They have to go over that and do it. Okay, so something happened with the nerds where we, instead of abusing them like God intended us to do, we had to go over there and start fucking brown nosing nerds. And then I blame. It's really, computers have done all this, the Internet has done.

[Brian Bishop]

Just to be clear, the Wii you're talking about is Harrison Ford, Robert Mitchum

[Adam Carolla]

and you and Corolla Mitchum. Corolla and Ford Big three. And not in that order.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, didn't you guys make a Prison Break movie together.

[Adam Carolla]

All chained together with Sydney Portier in the middle. Oh, so. So. Because I always got to get a black guy in the Defiant one ones gentlemen. Yes. So sure. So you have to go there and kiss some nerd ass. Now we're kissing kid ass. Like Jim Carrey's got to go get slimed at all these things. I mean, again, imagine asking the biggest celebrities of the 50s and say, hey, Frank Sinatra, I'm going to dump a gallon of fucking sludge on your head. He'd be like, I'll fucking put this cigarette down and have you killed right now. And I bought off every fucking judge in the land. Like, so you have to kiss nerd ass and now we have to kiss kid ass. And I think kids are getting like emboldened and empowered and all of a sudden there's a bunch of fucking 17 year olds walking around and we're all running up to them, asking them their opinion on politics and world shit and it's like, when did they fucking take over? Who gives a fuck? Like when I was 15, no one went, ho ho, hold on. Adam's coming into the room. What does he have to think? My parents.

[Jordan Morris]

Let's get him to Twitter about because then we can make money from it. Yeah, I think that's.

[Adam Carolla]

We have these shut the fuck up awards.

[Bat]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Have the. What do you want to do? What are you into?

[Brian Bishop]

When you were 15, the only ass that you had to kick was the edit. Kiss was the editorial board of the local newspaper.

[Adam Carolla]

There was. Yeah, there was my.

[Brian Bishop]

To have a few sit down meetings, talk about municipal issues.

[Adam Carolla]

My parents and their friends didn't give a fuck what we thought about anything and served. Certainly weren't gonna create any award shows for us in the. What about the movies we like? What about our fashion? They're just so fuck up.

[Brian Bishop]

There's also Kids Choice Awards, isn't there? There is.

[Jordan Morris]

That's a. Yeah, there are just a

[Brian Bishop]

series of choice awards that all culminate in the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're. The point is these. Everybody must show up at the Teen Choice Awards.

[Jordan Morris]

You know, I noticed. I noticed Joel McHale was there who was like a super duper talented guy who I think we all.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, everybody loves McHale.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that his. Is that the Joel McHale? One of the people who want to see catty comments on reality programs are 13 now.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know, but I mean, yeah, there's definitely some moments like that where I'm like, oh God, here's somebody I completely respect.

[Brian Bishop]

14 year olds are really into meta sitcoms. Sitcoms that are really as much about

[Jordan Morris]

the four sitcoms that have My Dinner with Andre parodies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The demographic for Community is mostly the 11 to 13 year old female. Here's the thing, when you talk about these, I don't know what is the Nickelodeon kids choice or whatever, wherever. You know, Jim Carrey's getting slimed and Jack Black is hosting. And there it is, wall to wall A listers.

[Jordan Morris]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean it is the. It's essentially as big as the Academy Awards or the Grammys in terms of star circumstances. Studded. Whatever.

[Jordan Morris]

I think more viewers now too, officially.

[Adam Carolla]

Sadly, more. I'm just saying, why don't we tell these kids to fuck off? Like why, why doesn't Jim Carrey go, I'm fucking 46, I'm a billionaire. I'm not gonna go get hit with fucking green sludge. Suck my dick. I'm not going.

[Brian Bishop]

Just give the kid a knife, like a pen knife and a stick and tell him to win something.

[Jordan Morris]

I was really. Oh, you know, and I. That, that was running through my head too when I was doing it. I. I had this sense of why, why, why, like I get why Selena Gomez is like the other people. I was really hoping to go backstage and just see like, oh, there's the coke mountain that like is there to coax everyone there.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Jordan Morris]

Or like, yeah. Or there's like there's the whore closet or something. But those didn't exist.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm just imagining you standing there with a microphone like we're here with Liza Minnelli

[Jordan Morris]

who is approaching the coke mount.

[Brian Bishop]

But the thing is, is one of the things about awards shows is that it's just a place, a thing that people go to for. I mean, why do people go to the ESPN Awards? Well, that aren't athletes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. They want. They just want to be Kevin Garnett. I'll tell you what I would do. I would watch that Kids Choice Awards where they all get. Where they all get slime that way. I would do it because, you know, and by the way, it's like Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are getting slimed. Like not only by the way, good luck getting Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz to come on out to your affair. But then secondly, we're gonna dump 55 gallons of fucking toxic shit on your head. Tom's publicist is probably not gonna go for that, but for some reason it's for the kids. Here's. I would watch if they did this. If they said, look, we have 13 buckets of slime chambered. We're gonna hit 13 kids. But. Or, you know, big celebrities. Jimmy.

[Jordan Morris]

They don't know going into it.

[Adam Carolla]

No. One of them. Whale semen. Pure fucking whale semen. It is completely random to see who gets hit. And it would just be awesome. Yeah. Just to see Selena Gomez up there just, just doused, just, just run.

[Jordan Morris]

And then nine months later, mutant whale baby.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Mutant whale baby.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, if you carry a tune, if you get the whale semen, you got to be happy because you can make some amazing candles out of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And there should be a special award for the guy who harvests the whale semen.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause that's a gig.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Jordan Morris]

That's a Dan Cortez actually, I think

[Adam Carolla]

does that these days. I need a new 2 rag and I need a Yakima special Yakima rack for my Jeep.

[Brian Bishop]

Can you imagine?

[Jordan Morris]

Can you imagine one of those shoes with the toes individual?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The guy who does the harvesting, he's standing on the boat deck just in his full scuba outfit. He's got his mask on his head and he just goes and he pulls the mask down and flops into the water.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All I'm saying is when did the kids in the teens start fucking running our lives? I mean, I've already experienced this. The other week my wife took my 5 year old twins to the Katy Perry concert. I could only imagine telling my parents like when I was five, hey, I want to see the Brady Bunch at the Hollywood Bowl. They're like, fuck off. Start hitchhiking and blow someone.

[Jordan Morris]

They're on TV every day for free.

[Brian Bishop]

And the Brady Bunch. The other thing about that is that at the core of the Brady Bunch's identity isn't really tits. Whereas Katy Perry is like 50% pop music and aesthetics. 50% tits.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I'm just saying, whether it's the award shows or the nerds at Comic Con, let's just collectively get together together and go. Fuck you, your kids and your nerds. We don't give a shit about you. I'm Harrison Ford. I'm gonna fuck a model, rip a bongload and hammer another billion dollar check.

[Jordan Morris]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Why? I think what it is is just

[Jordan Morris]

that the grown ups of the world these days just don't go to movies in that first pivotal weekend like when a movie. I'm trying, I'm trying to think what

[Adam Carolla]

the last respect was we started. Here's what happened. Here's what happened. First off, we ran out of real problems as a nation. We ran out of, you know, dust bowls, serious wars. You know, we have skirmishes that we don't like to really dirty our hands with too much over here. But, you know, we don't have real problems. Number one. Then somebody came around and started force feeding this children are our future thing, which, no shit, Sherlock. Considering we're gonna die, I'm guessing we're gonna have to. We're gonna have to shit out a new generation. Generation. And then we somehow decided that they were all individuals, somehow precious and needed almost everything before their first pube popped out on them. And I don't know when that was. Like, when I was a kid, I was just a kid, and the kids were like, you know, you'd walk in a room and someone would go, hey, man, the grownups are in here talking. Go outside.

[Brian Bishop]

My kid's only a few days old. I've almost finished building his enclosure.

[Bat]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you live, you live in one

[Brian Bishop]

of those hands, Casper Hauser style.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I, I, my first off, it's this. I, I'll give, I'll tell you, I'll tell you when we, I'll tell you when we sort of crossed over here. When I was a kid, it was a big enough deal to go to McDonald's. Sure. To, to go to McDonald's to get a hamburger and fries and a Coke was a treat.

[Jordan Morris]

Maybe you would get some McDonald lantern cookies.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe a little McDonald's. Right. Maybe now you got to get figurines. Sure. My kids don't leave the house without coming home with some swag. So it's like, you know when you go, like, hey, you want to go to McDonald's? They go, yeah, I'm listening.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

What do they got over there?

[Jordan Morris]

Start. They'll say, good start.

[Adam Carolla]

They got burgers. All right, I'm listening. What else I got over there? McNuggets. Keep talking, old man. Stop me when we get to Iron man figurines.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah. Do they make you call ahead to see what the toy surprises.

[Adam Carolla]

They've, They've just figured out that everywhere they go, they get something with to go with it and forget about, you know, Christmas and birthdays. It's every. Kids parties. Kids parties, they get fucking loaded up with swag. I mean, we're, listen, we're throwing our kids a fucking party.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And my wife's, you know, four or five hundred bucks into fucking happy bags, parting gifts for all the kids. And I'm like, whose fucking birthday is it?

[Jordan Morris]

Wait, what's what's in a happy bag? What, what, what is, what are you dropping these 400 bucks on?

[Adam Carolla]

It's basically like this. It's an arms race. It's a figurines arms race. Your kid goes to that kid's birthday party and then comes home with a gift bag with a bunch of cool shit shit in it. Now that kid then gets invited to your kid's birthday party and you can't send that kid home empty handed or word on the street will get out that you're cheap fuck. And your wife who's not spending her money, at least in my case is spending my money, is sort of trying to keep up with the Joneses in the gift bag department. So she says we gotta get him a really killer gift gift bag. So they get bags filled with really cool things and then they all night like my bedroom turned into the floor of FHO Schwartz what it is. And they just fucking giant fhm.

[Brian Bishop]

I think.

[Adam Carolla]

No wait, that's a magazine. The point is, is Norman Schwarzkopf Tom Hanks was running, playing a giant piano barefoot. So she's filling bags with all these. The shit that I bought.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, you just gotta, I mean you just gotta take it to the max and end it sort of in a sort of mutually assured destruction. Victory through superior peace through superior firepower. Just announce that you have 12 power wheels. Yes, and that. And just if you need to bring them out for a party and give them out as gifts, you will, but you don't want to have to, then that ends everything, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I can't stop it.

[Brian Bishop]

Peace in our time.

[Adam Carolla]

The notion, the idea that you go to another kids birthday party and you come home with more gifts than you brought is where we're at now. Saying again, when we were kids you'd go to a birthday party because there was some ice cream cake in it for you. There was a wack at the pinata. You got to wear the hat. Maybe there was a clown or something, but not because you got a bunch of swag.

[Brian Bishop]

I live in northeast la that my recommendation is to come to my neighborhood neighborhood where there is a birthday party package that every birthday party has. It's a pinata, a bag of candy, six tables, 32 chairs and a bounce house.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, bounce house jumper.

[Jordan Morris]

And also more relatives than kids.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, exactly like that is more elderly

[Jordan Morris]

relatives than there are children.

[Brian Bishop]

That package is so standard that not only is every other storefront in Highland Park a place that rents jumper, that package and the price for it is literally painted on the front of the Building.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

It just says. It just has that list. And then 119.95.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Then you're out. 119. 95. You're done.

[Mike Lynch]

Boom.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I should do it. I'm just saying, when did we let the kids and then the nerds take over? We should be beating their ass, not fucking yelling how high when they say jump. Yeah, that's all I'm saying.

[Jordan Morris]

Well, I noticed as a Comic Con attendee this year, to me, it seemed like even those kind of shitty kids were edging out the nerds. It seems like the cast of Glee was there, and I was looking around, and I'm like, okay, I can envision all of you who are here to see the Glees kicking the shit out of the Star wars kids. So I even kind of felt like maybe the nerds are on the retreat a little bit.

[Brian Bishop]

There's also this thing where, like, Daisy Fuentes, for example, will try to convince you what a nerd she is. Like, every person who's clearly not a nerd and not just pretty ladies. But it's most notable with pretty ladies because it's least credible.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

They will try and sell you this thing about what a nerd they are. And frankly, like, I'm kind of a nerd. I'm not a super committed nerd, but I'm kind of of a nerd. And at no point do I have this feeling like, yeah, I'm gonna convince these people what a fucking huge nerd I am. That is such a bizarre goal. Not to be a nerd. I'm fine with that. But the goal of trying to convince other people what a huge nerd you are is completely bizarre to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's like, trust me, I've got hepatitis. I'm serious. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm not fucking kidding. I have full blown Pepsi. Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

God, I'm so impotent. I am so impotent.

[Adam Carolla]

All hot chicks make it their life's work to convince everyone around them that a, they were awkward.

[Bat]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

In high. Now, by the way, the nerd is a retroactive nerd. They were nerds in high school. They were awkward in high school. They were a foot taller than all the other boys. Somewhere they have one of two stories they have to go with when they're super, super hot. Either they were just gawky and they blossomed later on in life, or they were hot and guys were intimidated and nobody asked.

[Jordan Morris]

Nobody asked me out.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what they kind of math is that? Are they. I was too Hot for guys to ask me out is really. You expect us to buy that?

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, I've. You know, I. I swear to God. I've also heard I was teased because of my big boobs.

[Brian Bishop]

That's what I was about to say. When they say they're awkward, they mean their boobs were too big. Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I thought you were talking about you, Jordan. I'm sorry. I was. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

My boobs were too big.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't. No, I know. No, you've get. You get that. You get the awkward.

[Jordan Morris]

My eyes are up here, guys.

[Brian Bishop]

What I wonder is what that is like to be in the world like that. I haven't interacted with that many people who are so spectacularly beautiful that even in the context of show business, they're so beautiful. They're so beautiful that it's notable. But I met. I was hosting the. The nomination special for the Independent Spirit Awards, and one of the hosts of the nominations was Eva Mendes. And I sat down and talked to Eva Mendez and she. Seriously, she was very bright and couldn't have been nicer, but I could just. I could barely make words like, so good looking. She's so good looking. I, like, couldn't even. And it's not even like I just wanted to, like, jump her bones or something. I was just awed to be in the presence of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, And I was complete. And I don't know what it would be like, like to go through. I realized, for example, that I gave her tons of credit, like, every time she smiled.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

No, that's what a human being does

[Adam Carolla]

when they're interacting, someone's hot, and they act like a human being. You're like, she's so cool. Totally cool.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Jordan Morris]

A light smudge of the shoulder. That'll be like, down to earth.

[Brian Bishop]

Ava Mendez touched me. Guys, please touch my knee.

[Adam Carolla]

And I, like, totally down to earth.

[Brian Bishop]

A single tear formed in the corner

[Adam Carolla]

of my substantial, real human being. She's not bitchy at, like, there's that

[Jordan Morris]

thing where she loves hot wings.

[Adam Carolla]

Love hot wings. I know, because we've structured a society where, like, if you're really hot and you're sitting next to someone and they go, I'm going to get up and get a beer. You want something from the bar where theoretically they could go, fuck you, I hope you die. And you'd go, okay, sorry, fair enough. If they're super, probably should die. But by the way, by the same token, if they go, I'm cool, but thanks for asking. Oh, my God. She's so sweet and so down to earth and so real, but you feel it.

[Brian Bishop]

But when you inter. When you have that interaction, I mean, I don't know, Adam. You're deeper into show business than we are, so maybe you spend a lot of time with your Daisy. Your Daisy Fuentes is.

[Jordan Morris]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

But like, when I interact with someone like that, I feel it. And I'm shocked every time. Like, every time I talk to someone, it's almost like, how could a person like this be real? It goes for dudes, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, when you meet a dude that's that handsome, and I have no interest in dudes romantically, but when you meet a dude, that's that you're just like, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoa.

[Brian Bishop]

Like, you just feel that need to genuflect. Like, just bow before the stronger monkey.

[Jordan Morris]

Like, I don't. I. I'm. I don't want to fight you, but I'd get kind of turned on if you told me a story about how you finger blasted a girl in the parking lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Jordan Morris]

That's how I feel when I meet someone from the Vampire diaries.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And I don't want to fuck you, but I would be. I would happily fuck anyone you fucked.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I know that would be of a certain quality.

[Jordan Morris]

Sure. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Jordan Morris]

A feather in my cap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it would be.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like a restaurant with a nice wine selection.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of nerds, you guys ever try go to. To my PC?

[Brian Bishop]

This sounds like a great thing. I'd love to hear more about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, this is going to be awesome.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll tell you, Adam, I'm on the road a lot for work.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you on the road?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfect. Go. Well, that's goto my PC, but this is gotomeeting. Brought to you by Citrix. They do a high def group video conferencing. I just did it the other day. It's brand new. You literally on your computer, you get six people, four people, eight people. Whatever it is, it's all high def. It's all broken up like the aforementioned brighter bunch. And you do conference calls where you can see everyone. No more fading off, no more checking out.

[Brian Bishop]

They should do whatever feature with the music from the Brady Bunch that brings everybody in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It is unbelievable technology. And so it's the kind of thing too, where you can go. You're all. We're all on the screen. And then Jesse goes, hey, man, let me show you my screen. And then your screen. What's on your computer screen? Screen will lead the way. And then I'LL go.

[Bat]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I can add to that and Jordan can add to that. It's crazy. It's Rogers.

[Brian Bishop]

It sounds like something Tom Cruise would use in a movie about the future.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. If he wasn't being slimed. So it's the next level of the online meeting. Super easy to use. It's high def. So put your makeup on, ladies, and you just use your webcam or whatever cams built into whatever computer you buy these days, because they're all. All in there. You can try gotomeeting with HD faces. That's what it's called for free. I think they backed up Rod Stewart in the 60s, by the way. Try go to Meeting with HD Faces free for 30 days. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam, I again. Can I go back the other day and was blown away. Yes.

[Jordan Morris]

Can I go back and say that HD faces is my favorite 70s male preference porn star?

[Adam Carolla]

No. No, I'm sorry.

[Jordan Morris]

I won't say that then.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what were we talking about? Oh, talking about the Teen Choice Awards. So how do you get the gig, Jordan? Doing the streaming, real time, whatever. And then what does that mean to do that?

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, Well, I work for. My day job is I work for a show called the Daily habit on Fuel tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Jordan Morris]

That actually films on the same set as the car show. Lovely set, apparently.

[Brian Bishop]

Literally the same.

[Jordan Morris]

Yes. I think they just changed the signage.

[Adam Carolla]

They just. They just pull out the tire rack.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Put in.

[Jordan Morris]

I think they switch the skateboard squad

[Adam Carolla]

and then they just go for it. Yeah. Oh, by the way, that car show. Oh, it's on Wednesday nights on Speed. Yes, go ahead.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, so it's part of the Fox family. So the chain choice words was a Fox production. So I think they. They were familiar with Fuel TV work.

[Adam Carolla]

And are you going in real time?

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, it was like, it was constant and something that I, you know, I do some hosting for fuel, but it's kind of goofy. I'm always, like, in a goofy outfit or upsetting people in some way. And I always kind of prided myself, proed myself. What's the past tense of pride?

[Brian Bishop]

Peted?

[Jordan Morris]

I peded myself on, you know, kind of not being that typical entertainment host who says those shitty things. Things like we're here checking it out or like, we're hanging out here, but

[Brian Bishop]

let's swing down to the VIP area.

[Jordan Morris]

It's going off. It's go.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, my favorite part of all that is when Halle Berry comes Up and the white chick is interviewing her, calls her girl three times. I love that. That's my favorite. That is the bomb girl. So he's like, I was cringe.

[Brian Bishop]

Thanks, Melissa Jonard.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right.

[Jordan Morris]

But you know what? In a situation where the camera was just always on and I just needed to be speaking even if no one was around, like, I would just get this fill or this stretch motion from a producer and I had an earpiece on where people were just saying, like, you know, Justin bieber.

[Adam Carolla]

Justin Bieber. 5. 5.

[Brian Bishop]

5.

[Jordan Morris]

I'm like, I don't know what any of this means. But, yeah, I definitely found myself saying, let's check it out. It's going off. It's going crazy. And part of me just hated myself. But then I don'. I felt like I was my. I felt like my. I was down from the ivory tower. A little bit of this. I'm better than that. So it kind of felt good.

[Adam Carolla]

You realize when you have to fill a lot of time and it happens, like, you take sports and you take guys, you know, guys who were jocks who are now up in the booth and just guys who want to talk sports in general. Probably not the funniest, fastest, quickest witted guys you'll meet, you know, and they're not raconteurs, let's say, so they have little tourists.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not gonna see Steve Young going on a national speaking tour like Mark Twain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but yeah, and Steve Young, minus the concussions, probably at the top of that list. So they start developing little things. Like if you'd like to play in the National Football League instead of saying NFL, oh, sure. They have little. Little things. And it's basically, here's how it works. Because I used to do a lot of radio. You know, there's three options. You can go. Which is not attractive.

[Jordan Morris]

I was doing a little bit of that. You're definitely doing a little bit of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Or you can just not make any noise at all, which, not really an option.

[Brian Bishop]

Makes people think their television's broken.

[Adam Carolla]

Or you can load up with about 10 of these. the end of the day, when it comes down to. To, here's what it's all about.

[Jordan Morris]

It's about teens making choices.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called the Teen Choice Awards for a reason. And a lot of these guys may be good enough to play in the National Football League. At the end of the day, I

[Jordan Morris]

would calling him Justin Theopolis Hayward Bieber.

[Brian Bishop]

I would imagine that both. Both of you guys have professional comedy backgrounds, you know, and I would imagine that when you do something normal, like when you do something that is not a comedy, because on the Daily Habit, Jordan, you're doing basically comedy stuff, but when you go out and cover something straight or when you do something for Dancing with the Stars, that all of those people who are used to dealing with the Mario Lopez's of the world are just amazed that there's a brain inside your head. Feels like a magic trick.

[Adam Carolla]

There's more than one Mario Lopez. Because I will kill myself. I can barely take the one there is.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're saying there's more than one? Yeah, yeah, it is. It's weird. And again, I think it just happened to me a second ago.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A moment like you want to do a national league at the end of the day. At the end of the day. At the end of the day.

[Jordan Morris]

A podcast, two words.

[Adam Carolla]

You start putting those things together. And I always say in, in radio they do that. It's 8, 20, that's 20 after the hours. 40 away from the top there.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's check out those, let's check out those out of town scores.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. They're just trying to fill and buy something. And the more of that you can have. I. I've walked into radio stations and seen the guy's buzz phrases plastered up around the studio like, let's have a cash match.

[Jordan Morris]

Let's have a fart party.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

That was fun.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like, yeah, you. If you get enough of those to get weather and the teleprompter goes down, you can always kill a few hours.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's be clear. When Jordan says that was his. During his brief career as a morning radio host. Let's have a fart party. That's actually his catchphrase.

[Jordan Morris]

Jordan and the Nooger.

[Eugene Mirman]

That was our show.

[Adam Carolla]

That was your idea.

[Jordan Morris]

We had a bitchy weather lady.

[Brian Bishop]

What a cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

So Jordan, no kids.

[Jordan Morris]

No, zero kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesse still got one with the new kid smell, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Days old. It's is overwhelming. It's like emotionally, it's overwhelming in every way.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? You will get nothing out of this relationship for at least a year and a half. So don't bother.

[Jordan Morris]

What's the first little spackle of a thing that you get?

[Brian Bishop]

You start spackling, he starts to do spackling for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Spackle of a thing.

[Jordan Morris]

Hanging some drywall nonsense phrase.

[Adam Carolla]

My first joint compound moment was, you know, when they recognize you, like when you come in and they start sort of fluttering about a little bit. Like they see that it's you, they recognize you.

[Brian Bishop]

It's amazing how useless I am to this baby. Like, it's so obvious, you know, he's my wife, can breastfeed him, can give him the stuff of life, and all I can do is make him physically uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, well, but it is we. And again, again, this is being beat out of us as a society. I feel like I have to ring this bell a lot, which is you are providing, which is a very important role because you are putting a roof over the child's head.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam, you know that I'm a public radio host, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You're barely providing.

[Jordan Morris]

The kid sleeps in a tote bag. In an NPR tote bag instead of a crib.

[Brian Bishop]

We just get issued. I literally get paid. One 1987 Subaru per year. That's it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You get paid.

[Brian Bishop]

I can junk it, I can sell it, I can do whatever I want with it.

[Adam Carolla]

You get paid in travel mugs?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Terry Gross is your wet nurse.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. There's my son. But the point is this, because guys don't go out and hunt and go out and collect firewood and go out and kill bears and things like that, or go into. Or not so much go into coal mines or do this kind of thing. We don't really get the credit that we deserve. But again, keeping the lights on so that they can breastfeed and keeping a roof over the head, it counts for something.

[Brian Bishop]

It's particularly difficult for me, Adam, because I'm a public radio host slash podcaster. I work from home. So, like, in the time that it would be like, oh, I gotta go into the anthracite mines or whatever, that. The equivalent of that for me is, hey, honey, I gotta go upstairs and dick around on the Internet.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Brian Bishop]

Go read some entertainment blogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Does your wife. Does your wife have an income? Does she.

[Brian Bishop]

She actually. Actually works with me, but. So she generates some of the money in the. In the podcasting business, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Listen, I appreciate you defecating all over my point, but I'm still. I'm still gonna pull.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm just saying that I am actually, actually useless. Like it's not a myth.

[Adam Carolla]

You understand? You are no worse than the teen pee whipped Jim Carrey or the nerd P whipped Harrison Ford. And that I'm trying to say to you, you're a man. You're making a living. It may be modest, but I've been to your home. You have. It has shingles on the roof. The electricity is turned on. Well, when it comes, you are providing shelter and safety and sustenance for your Family. And you should be commending on that. And you, because you hail from San Francisco and it looked at your stepmother's prolapsed vagina at age 9.

[Brian Bishop]

Met my wife at an arts high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Cannot even sit still long enough to accept that praise. Well, that's the society we've created.

[Brian Bishop]

Coming from someone with the stature of you or. Or Bogart or Ford.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, that means a lot to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Bogey would have never hung with those nerds. He would have said, I'll show up drunk and I'll stab three of them. How do you like that?

[Jordan Morris]

Sure, I'll their girlfriends in front of them.

[Adam Carolla]

In front of them. Yeah, that's right.

[Jordan Morris]

While they cry.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be a drunk, drunken bogey just for this. Come on with the switchblade. Come on. It's nerd cutting time.

[Jordan Morris]

Jerry grabs Princess Leia by her neck chain, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

This one's got a lot of meat on him. I'll cut it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Unless. Yeah, unless the chick dressed like Xena, Warrior Princess, doesn't start sucking in the

[Jordan Morris]

next five minutes, I'll cut this bitch's head off randomly.

[Brian Bishop]

Open fire.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Speaking of Nerds, 01 Media Center.

[Brian Bishop]

I miss the old Hollywood, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. You, too. Oh, man. By the way, you had some trouble. You just take a chick out on a boat and be like, what happened? She fell overboard. She was 14. She talked a little too much. 01 Media Center. You guys have computers, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

These guys are Apple specialists. All the latest products from Apple include accessories and peripherals and upgrades. And they're. They've been around for 15 years. They do all. All our. They do all our computers. They're good, actually. If you want to do, like, editing or you want one for a show business computer, you want to do a podcast, these are like that.

[Brian Bishop]

These are computers that are. Because sometimes when you're recording or you're doing video or whatever, you want them. Not just off the shelf. You want the thing that's actually made specifically for that task.

[Adam Carolla]

Specialize, founded, by the way, by post production professionals, been building custom computers for TV, radio and film for over 15 years. Apple certified sales staff and technicians. Technicians. They got the knowledge they can get the job done. They'll do it right again. They built all our computers for us. 310-651-8-488. But better yet, you can visit them online because, well, I don't know, maybe your computer's broken. I never thought about that. Borrow your mom's computer down to your local public library and visit them online.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, push that masturbating bum out of

[Adam Carolla]

the way and go to 01mediacenter.com 01mediacenter.com A lot of times they'll tell you, oh, that iPhone's no good or that iPads, you got to chuck it, it's no good or whatever it is, they will fix it for you and you can send it in to them as well.01mediacenter.com all right. And also Amazon, I don't know if you guys are hip to this, but if you'd like to support this show and you like what you hear and you're shopping on Amazon, then click through our website and give us a little love. So if you're going to buy something off Amazon, go to Adam Croll at Hit our banner or hit the Amazon banner. You'll go right to Amazon and just go get whatever you want and then we get a little love from Amazon.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what you can do? You can just bookmark that link that's on the Adam Carolla website and just click on it when you want to go to Amazon, you'll get a little bit of that.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn win Jesse Thorne, Jordan Morris. By the way, you guys can be found on itunes. Jordan and Jesse go and all. Also the website maximumfun.org you can Twitter the guys or at least Jesse @YoungAmerican. And Jordan's Twitter is Jordan underscore Morris. There you go. And also look out for the daily habit on Fuel. So until next time, this Adam Carolla for Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris saying mahalo.

[Narrator]

All right, that was Adam Kroll show 631 with the great Jordan Morris and Jesse Thorne from Jordan Jesse go. Jesse of course transitioned the sound of Young America, his public radio show he'd been doing since college transitioned to a new show called Bullseye. He's been doing that and then Jordan is doing free with ads and a bunch of other podcasts. He's also writing predator comic books.

[Adam Carolla]

Now.

[Narrator]

That does it for this weekend's Grill Classics. Make sure to tune next weekend for the three all new installments. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Apro vecha los ahoros de Memorial Day in los y compra los vasicos parelo gar pomenos ahoro centadolares en la parrilla agas de cuatro queimadores char royal performance series.

[Allison Rosen]

To come visita to Louis Mastercano.

[Adam Carolla]

And Doug. There's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual.

[Allison Rosen]

Even if it means sitting front row

[Adam Carolla]

at a comedy show. Hey, everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Check out this guy and his bird.

[Adam Carolla]

What is this, your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married.

[Jordan Morris]

Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyways, get a quote@liberty mutual.com or with your local agent. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.