Grant Lee Phillips + James 'Babydoll' Dixon (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – “Grant Lee Phillips + James 'Babydoll' Dixon (Carolla Classics)”

Date: July 31, 2026
Summary By: Podcast Summarizer (2024)

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Episode Overview

This double-feature “Carolla Classics” brings together some of the Adam Carolla Show’s most memorable moments, centering on music, pop culture rants, behind-the-scenes radio/TV stories, trademark Carolla complaints about bureaucracy and daily life, and loads of irreverent banter. The two connected classic episodes feature:

• Grant Lee Phillips: Singer-songwriter, ex-Grant Lee Buffalo, music geek, and one-time Loveline guest.
• James 'Babydoll' Dixon & Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono): Legendary Hollywood agent and Kimmel sidekick, telling behind-the-scenes stories from their days with Adam and Jimmy.

The episodes also feature the show’s core team: Allison Rosen, Bald Brian, David Wilde, and the “Ace Man” Adam Carolla himself, freewheeling through topics from Oscars gripes and sports controversy to cringeworthy celebrity stories, with gut-busting detours into magicians, government labels, and enema-adjacent Mangria jokes.

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Key Topics & Segments

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1. Celebrity Anxiety and Front-Row Seats (03:00 – 07:00)

• Adam recounts his discomfort at being invited to sit courtside next to Bill O’Reilly at a Lakers game, despite his Los Angeles celebrity status.
• "I want my slippers and bathrobe on. I want my Mangria. I want to be left alone" (06:00, Carolla)
• The group discusses the discomfort celebrities have being “looked at” in public—even when recognition is the currency of their industry.

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2. “Complaints & Bureaucracy" Rant – Inept Security Guards & Parking Validation (07:02 – 19:50)

• Adam’s signature rant about miserable, clueless, or disinterested staff working as “gatekeepers”—from ESPN security to LA theaters and parking garages.
• Notable quote: "It's where dumb avenue crosses pissed off road." (08:01, Carolla)
• Carolla rails against clueless validation policies, hoarded parking stamps, and how no one does their job well.
• Discussion touches on how both underpaid ($9/hour) and overpaid ($9 million/year) workers can become equally apathetic.

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3. Oscars: Semantics, Participation Trophies, and the End of "Winners" (15:18 – 16:21)

• The team observes how the Oscars shifted from saying “And the winner is…” to “The Oscar goes to…”—a move Adam attributes to the “participation trophy” culture.
• Notable Quote: "This is the participation trophy group now coming of age and making policy." (16:11, Carolla)

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4. Sports Nation, Guest Perks, and Lived Hypocrisy (16:21 – 21:45)

• Adam’s parking/validation rant leads to an examination of how institutions treat guests— from KROQ to ESPN to live events.
• Allison: “Well, they've gone citrus, and they're absolutely right. But I'm gonna say ham.” (44:23) as the worst food to eat after brushing your teeth, sparking comedic back-and-forth about flavor pairings.

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5. Sports & Political Correctness – The Redskins Name Debate (26:22 – 31:05)

• Dave Dameshek and Adam discuss the controversy over the Washington Redskins’ name, drawing analogies to “New York Jews” and reflecting on why tradition sometimes trumps obvious offense.
• Notable Quote: "Redskin is nothing but derogatory. Yeah, that's why. Partly why I'm attracted to it." (29:22, Carolla)

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6. Girl Scout Cookies, Oscars Aftermath, and “Creep of the Week” (31:05 – 37:10)

• Debating best/worst Girl Scout cookies, Thin Mints supremacy, and new odd flavors (e.g., Mango Creme).
• Dameshek pitches a Girl Scout Cookie Showdown for a future ep.
• Pivot into “Creep of the Week” and Oscar snubs—including the absence of Richard Dawson and Alex Karras in the death montage.

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7. Celebrity Encounters & Blind Judgment – Bryan Cranston’s “Argo” (39:19 – 42:41)

• Adam retells the story of a tipsy Bryan Cranston enthusiastically pitching “Argo” at an Emmy party—only for Adam to completely dismiss its potential.
• "My mind immediately went through. Someone's making a movie, it can't be good. I feel like a big dick." (41:19, Carolla)

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8. Grant Lee Phillips Segment

(61:01 – 76:15)

Music & Early Life (61:01 – 63:34)

• Grant Lee reminisces about appearing on Loveline, growing up in Stockton, CA, and his early days as a child magician before turning to music at 14.
• "I had a Plymouth Satellite full of magic tricks and a Charlie McCarthy and a banjo and an amplifier. And it all. It all came with me and my dreams." (67:06, Phillips)
• Discussion of magicians’ antisocial vibe ("for the most part, they don't talk and they make things disappear", 64:39, Carolla)

Musical Influences & Performance (62:22 – 76:13)

• Phillips cites Neil Young, Bowie, Beatles, and more as central influences.
• Adam and Grant Lee nerd out over Bowie’s Hunky Dory.
• Grant Lee plays "Walking in the Green Corn" (71:30 – 74:05), with Adam praising both the music and engineer Dawson.

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9. The World of Radio, Messy Workplaces, and Jimmy Kimmel Lore

(120:36 – 146:23)

Behind-the-Scenes Radio Stories (143:09 – 146:23)

• Agent James “Babydoll” Dixon recounts arriving from the TV world and being shocked by radio’s penny-pinching—like a station manager complaining about Carolla’s consumption of peanut butter ("We're gonna have to start charging Adam for the peanut butter", 144:48, Dixon).
• Discussion on KROQ’s bizarrely cheap/hostile morning show operations, including staff paying for parking.

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10. Cousin Sal & Classic “Man Show” Tales (120:36 – 140:21)

• Cousin Sal relives “torturing” Babydoll Dixon with extravagant seafood orders that rack up massive bills at dinner while he’s out on smoke breaks.
• Hilarious story: Jason Sudeikis, after seeing a mountain of surf platters, quips "Even Al Qaeda knew to stop at two towers" (138:35).
• Discussion of Man Show office bathroom sabotage, with Sal and "Brad" intentionally wrecking toilets for sport.

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11. Mangria, The ATF, and Frustrations with Bureaucracy (51:30 – 59:46)

• Adam shares the struggles of getting government approval for Mangria drink labels, facing illogical and inconsistent ATF decisions ("You can't say ‘packs a punch’"; they permit “gluten free” on one bottle, reject it on another).
• Quote: "Is there any recourse where I can go to them and go, 'Hey, fuck you. ... where's my creative license? What fucking country are we living in? Packs a punch, really? You're allowed to just say no?" (55:28, Carolla)

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12. The Dynamic of Hot People, Aging, and Gendered Attraction (155:05 – 157:52 + 163:11 – 167:44)

• Adam and Allison debate the social advantages of attractive women, how “hot” people/celebs are treated, and the dynamics when “former hotness” fades.
• "I think the worst thing you can do to a kid is have everyone wanna fuck them." (155:17, Carolla)
• Allison discusses online dating and being more open to attractive (but possibly less interesting) men.
• Brief survey on “the perfect age gap” in relationships (4 years, 4 months, according to studies).

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13. Urban Renewal and “The Power of Gays” (169:08 – 174:02)

• Adam revisits one of his favorite social theories: want to revitalize a city? Import gay men. He traces LA’s Silver Lake and WeHo improvements to gay homebuyers.
• Notable joke/proposal: "There should be grants. Like, 20 acres and a glory hole." (173:35, Carolla)
• "Do the opposite" theory—illustrated by contrasting neighborhoods of single moms/kids with two-income, childless gay couples.

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14. Quick Hit Comedy, Signature Segments & More

• Ongoing riffing on Mangria and novel drinking methods ("I fill it, and then I just contract [my muscles], and you just hold your-- it's totally sanitary", 23:19).
• Teddy Pendergrass/David Alan Grier bit: “I like to get to know you and box your big t*tties, mama” (162:21).
• Adam’s ongoing passion fruit complaint—now everything is passion fruit flavored (“I've been telling everyone about passion fruit for 10 years. It wouldn't listen. And now it's everywhere.” 176:12).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• "It's where dumb avenue crosses pissed off road." [08:01] – Carolla’s signature analogy for clueless security staff
• "This is the participation trophy group now coming of age and making policy." [16:11] – Carolla on Oscars semantics
• "Redskin is nothing but derogatory. Yeah, that's why. Partly why I'm attracted to it." [29:22] – Carolla, epitomizing his provocative humor
• "I'm shitting on your point, at number five…Let me say this…Hold on—I have done…The reason I don't…I'm not getting down with ham..." [44:50] – Carolla, as the group riffs on best/worst food after brushing teeth
• “Even Al Qaeda knew to stop at two towers.” [138:35] – Jason Sudeikis, after seeing Sal order a third seafood tower
• "You get a neighborhood filled with single mommas and a whole bunch of kids. What do you have? You have fucking gunshots and graffiti. You get a bunch of gay guys, no kids, dual income. What do you got. You got a bunch of Miatas and a bunch of well manicured lawns." [170:44]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:00 – 07:00: Courtside Lakers invite & celebrity discomfort
• 07:02 – 19:50: Gatekeeper incompetence & parking validation saga
• 15:18 – 16:21: Oscars “winner” vs. “goes to”/participation trophies
• 26:22 – 31:05: Redskins name controversy
• 31:05 – 37:10: Girl Scout cookies, Oscars snubs, “Creep of the Week”
• 39:19 – 42:41: Meeting Bryan Cranston, “Argo” skepticism
• 61:01 – 76:15: Grant Lee Phillips interview & performance
• 120:36 – 146:23: Cousin Sal, Babydoll Dixon & Man Show/Babydoll stories
• 51:30 – 59:46: Mangria & government red tape
• 155:05 – 157:52: Hot people, aging, and attraction
• 169:08 – 174:02: “Import Gays to Save Cities” rant

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Episode Tone & Style

Unfiltered, rapid-fire, and jammed with snark, sarcasm, deep-cut references, and "inside baseball" from decades in radio/TV. The trademark Carolla threads—bureaucracy frustration, poking fun at woke/PC trends, and neighborly cynicism—run through, but banter ranges from affectionate needle to gross-out bits, never shying from the absurd or off-color for a punchline.

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Useful For…

• Fans revisiting classic Carolla, craving mid-2010s pop culture and sports debates
• Anyone interested in behind-the-scenes stories from radio and television
• Lovers of comedy improv, music geekery, or just sharp, irreverent banter
• Those who want a dose of off-the-cuff life advice, as filtered through the world’s most successful grouch

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Mahalo, and get it on!

Transcript

[David Wilde]

Foreign.

[Giovanni (Podcast Host)]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to gain access to the Adam Carolla show archive as well as the archives, the admin, Dr. Drew show and the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Crull's substack adamcarla.substack.com Go there, sign up, subscribe, listen ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics adamcorla.com now on to the clips. Coming the first day, we have a very fun episode. We've played clips of this one before. I don't think we've ever played this one in full since adam Carolla show 1022 with the great Grant Lee Phillips, who previously appeared on Loveline as Grant Lee Buffalo back in the 90s. I think I reminded Adam before this one and he still didn't bring it up and the guest had to remind him, hey, I was actually on Loveline before. Dave Damshek's also in Stu, along with Allison and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2013. It's a very fun episode. Hope you enjoy.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real World.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic, I'm the king of the World. And so much more. For Showtime, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Allison Rosen]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now, pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

And welcome to the show. Dave Damaschek.

[Bald Brian]

Ace Carolla. What a pleasure. You're clean shaven.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I did O'Reilly today.

[Bald Brian]

Ah, is that why I'm wondering? I've noticed in the photographs that they show on AdamCarolla.com, you've now pretty much consistently you're clean shaven. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm that beard. Like I said, everything that comes out of me is a pube unless it's attached to another dude and even then it's got pubes on it. So the beard is too painful. I had to get rid of the beard. And O'Reilly, by the way, O'Reilly and I had this moment with O'Reilly. He's in town and I got invited. Good day. Allison Rose.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Carolla and Paul o'.

[David Wilde]

Brien.

[Allison Rosen]

Shut that N word, baby. Up.

[Adam Carolla]

I was invited for the first time ever, I think, to sit courtside at a lakers game with O'Reilly.

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And another guy named Norm Pattis, who wears a Lakers championship ring for some reason. But I don't know what the full story is.

[Bald Brian]

That doesn't seem right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, either way, I said to O'Reilly, who's in town, I said, oh, there's Norm Pattis hugging Kobe Bryant. Kobe looks scared there. But either way, I said to O', Brien, I said, well, it looks like. I mean, O'Reilly, I said, we're sitting. You sit at a table that is smaller than what would be a piece of patio furniture, and you just talk to him. He used to be, you know, he's usually in New York. I'm usually. We're 3,000 miles apart. So I said, well, it looks like we'll be going to the Laker game on Thursday. And he didn't hear my part of it. I think he went, yeah, I am looking forward to it. And I said, no, no, I'm going with you. We're going together. We're sitting courtside. And he went, okay. I feel like I've had a lot of those conversations in my life. Like, yeah, you're from North. I'm from North Island. Well, there you go. Not gonna be just a little bit of. Well, good. We'll have a beer. This should be fun. And now, wait a second.

[Bald Brian]

You're not going with him?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I am. I'm either going.

[Bald Brian]

It's just his people did this, or Fox or somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

He's going, I'm going. And we'll be sitting courtside together, which I made him aware of today.

[Allison Rosen]

But how did you get the invitation?

[Adam Carolla]

Norm Pattis with the Lakers ring. The aforementioned. The picture of the crazy man hanging. He's the king hanging. Oh, that sounded bad. Hugging Kobe Bryant, that guy. Norm Pattis got the. I don't know. I must have screwed up that story somehow. But Norm, who works or used to work for the Lakers or whatever, have

[Bald Brian]

you hung out with him? With O'Reilly?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Bald Brian]

This is the first socializing ever.

[Adam Carolla]

This will be the first socializing ever. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Never even kibits. That 5, 10 minutes on the phone, here's what I want to do kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

He does the thing before you do your shot where it's like, hey, Carolla, how's it going over there in La LA land? And then you go, all right. And he goes, all right, we're gonna start. I'll throw you a question about the Oscars and we'll get going. We'll do it now. Here we go. And you know, you get, you know, how you doing? You know, kind of thing, but this not getting shit faced together, sitting next to watching Kobe and his beautiful body run up and down the court so that to look forward to.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you nervous?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm only. You know, it's a funny thing because I've lived in Los Angeles my entire life. I've been a celebrity since conception. Before even a little before. No. I've been a celebrity for, you know, 15 plus years.

[Dawson]

You can actually say that about some kids, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Dawson]

Sad to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I've lived here my entire life and I've never gone to a Lakers game or sat courtside.

[Bald Brian]

Whoa, that's your middle name.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's my middle name.

[Bald Brian]

Never have been to the Forum or the stapleset.

[Adam Carolla]

I went with Jimmy and Kevin of Kevin and bean probably in 1997 to sit in cheap seats because we got free tickets a game, not a playoff game or anything like that. That is the only time I've been to a Lakers game. And I've never sat on the court or anywhere near the court and nor have I ever tried. And the real reason is I'm uncomfortable. I don't want to sit in the front row. I don't want people looking at me. I'm not agoraphobic. It all sounds uncomfortable to me. I don't wanna go. I wanna stay home. I want my slippers and bathrobe on. I want my Mangria. I wanna be left alone. That's the whole thing. And if I do go, I'm gonna sit 10 rows back and not be recognized. This is front row and people looking at you. And for guys, I have a business where people look at you for a living. I hate it. I'd rather them listen to me than look at me. So that's all looking at you.

[Allison Rosen]

Thursday's gonna be fun.

[Bald Brian]

Is it more obnoxious?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm wildly uncomfortable.

[Bald Brian]

Is it more obnoxious to be the sort of celebrity who, it's clear you wear a T shirt and whatever. Or the guy who pretends that I'm going in disguise and they wear a ball cap and glasses like. Well, we still can tell it's Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Wear the glasses with the penis nose. Yeah, that's my thing.

[Bald Brian]

That'll throw them off.

[Adam Carolla]

That's funny. Now back to complaining for a second. Speaking of sports and the Staples center and all that, I did like Sports Nation last Week. And you know my big complaint of we've taken the dumbest, surliest people on the planet and made them the tip of the spear in terms of gaining access or entry into any building or any parking structure or anything. Like, remember when you would take the cutest chick with the longest legs and the coolest British accent and make her the receptionist? Because, like, I want everyone who's coming into my advertising firm to see this hot chick with this cool accent sitting there wearing a mini skirt and go, wow, these guys must have their shit together.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Now.

[Adam Carolla]

Your first experience with any business is tired, surly, angry, security, whatever. And dumb. And dumb like a great highway. It's where dumb avenue crosses pissed off road. You know what I mean? And they're just. And so the first approach to everything is, what are you doing interrupting my day with your request to enter this building? Because I had a pretty sweet gig. I sat on a chair that was ergonomically correct, and I watched a whole wall full of ESPN1, ESPN2, ESPN3. This is awesome. But now you'd like me to do what? Pick up the phone or clipboard or something. So the first premise is, you've interrupted my day, except for you're at work, and this is what you're supposed to do. So you ring espn, you don't get in. You gotta ring that buzzer. You know what I'm talking about, Shaq? That's exactly where you're talking. They have the two doors right there. Right near the Staples center there, L.A. live, whatever. They have the two doors, but the buzzer intercom is off to the right. It's a good five, six feet off to the right. So you walk off to the right and you do the thing, and, you know, you never get the good day. You'd have a fucking heart attack. If, like, if someone said, hi, how can I help you? My name is Steve. You'd be like, all right, I've been

[Allison Rosen]

looking for the camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what's going on?

[Dawson]

It's me.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me in already. I've been standing out here for.2 seconds. That's too long. Bill Simmons was not in the building, by the way. So I buzzed the thing and I said, you know, you get the. You get half of a, like, what do you need verse for? Hey.

[David Wilde]

You get the.

[Adam Carolla]

An opening grunt and you go, hi, I'm doing Sports Nation. Yeah, it's never. God forbid they ever have a piece of paper with, like, your name on it and the time you're supposed to arrive or anything. It's not like, oh, is this Mr. Carolla? No, it's always like, what's your name? Yeah, I'm Adam Carolla. Uh huh. Who you here to see? You know, again, a little with a little suspicion, you know, not so fast. White guy at noon who's coming here in his 40s, who's coming in here to do our show. Slow down, slow down. So you get the. And then you go, listen, I'm here to see Paula. Then there's a pause and maybe a little grunt, little dialing grunt. And then at a certain point I'm just standing there by the intercom. Certain point, you hear the door buzzing. And I'm just looking at the door going, is he letting me in? Because certainly there was no verbal command or cue. It's not like, yes, I've spoken to Paula, please enter. It's just like, that's that thing. It's almost like picking up the phone and going like, hello? And then someone going, is Lynette there? And me going, and just setting the phone down, like I have to go, yes, hold on, let me get her. Not just plop the phone down. And then you just sit there and wait until she gets on the phone.

[Dawson]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

So I just. The door starts buzzing, you know, and I'm standing there looking at it thinking, I don't know if they're buzzing someone else in or they're buzzing someone out or that's me. Is that me? I don't want to be presumptuous. Like the last thing anyone wants in this post 911 world is, is for you to go walking in and them going, hey, hey, wait a minute, we didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

And then you're in the no man's land where you can't even get in touch with anyone again because the intercom's on the outside, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So the door buzzes. I just go after looking at it for a minute, I go, fuck it. I open it, I walk in. And then I say to the two brain dead people behind the counter, was that for me? Are you buzzing me in? Yeah, you buzzed in. I go, okay, you should say to the person you're communicating with, come on in. Or I'll buzz the door or something. But it's just the least amount possible. And I'm a douche for explaining to them. You should say this to people before you buzz it. And then we wait for the whatever now when we're leaving. And this is the part I always find interesting. I find the most fascinating part of life to me is not the fascinating shit. It's a super dumb shit where people do a job and they don't. So I do this sports thing and it's great fun, good day, everyone's nice, you know, good times, fun and Marcellus, Marcellus Wiley Wiley, real cool guy. Max Kellerman, cool guy. And do the show and everyone's super friendly. And then we're walking to the elevators now, I followed their parking instructions, which is pull into the bottom east tower of LA Live, park under the Staples center, whatever, tower, whatever. But you know, you're doing the cha ching math on that. And then they're just walking me out to the elevator. Hey, you were great. Thanks so much. Did the show, was there for two hours, you know, fantastic, come again sometime. Alright. And then I stop and I go, do you have validation for the parking? And they go, oh yeah, we can get you one of those. Which again is the thing where you invite the celebrity guests to come on your show, you tell them where to park so you know I'm paying for it.

[David Wilde]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you're just cool with everyone who comes onto your show for free and does an hour of material. Just paying the $11 themselves, by the way. This is your procedure. This is not the first week, you guys. It wasn't lights up on today. You guys do this. So I go, do you have a validation thing? And they go, yeah, we can get you one of those. I said, okay. So they go get it. And she hands me the validation thing. She goes, this should be good, this is for three hours. And I said, oh, okay. I plug in my card first, the one that came out, and then I plug in your card. And she goes, no, just that one will work. This one just the validation is good, you can give me that one. She starts to take it from my hand. I said, I'm gonna take that with me. And she said, no, you just need the validation one. I said, yeah, I'll just play it safe. She goes, fine, just take it with you, okay, Go down to the thing, get down to the arm, put in the validation one as instructed. And of course the thing goes, I don't know how long you've been here. You could have been here three weeks old man. Like I don't know where you're at. And then I plug in the one that I. She was wrestling with me for. And then I plug in the validation one and then I leave. And then I thought, what the fuck goes on? Like this happens every single day, does it not?

[Bald Brian]

I'm red in the face about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Consider her gone yesterday. Why? Why Would you?

[David Wilde]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And I know enough to know that it's gonna want to know how long you've been here. It could be over three hours. How does that go? Why is there no. Why is the guy at the front door. Why is the guy at the front door not saying yes? Hold on, Let me check. Mr. Carolla. Yes, Mr. Carolla, come on in and press the thing or enter. I'll buzz you in. Or he doesn't say anything. They're gonna let me walk out of place. And I've realized everyone is horrible at their job and nobody comes down on them, nobody gets fired. Everyone's parents telling them, oh, you're number one. You are number one. And watching the Oscars the other night, stumbled onto something and actually stumbled on something. And then someone tweeted me. We were talking about how everyone who accepts their Oscar must thank everyone else who they beat. Which never used to happen. It was just like, funny speech, doing some push ups, shaking it, thanking God and everything. Now it's like, I want to thank all the other people that were nominated.

[Allison Rosen]

What a category.

[Adam Carolla]

What a category.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow, look at this talent.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, you're saying how talented you are because you just beat them. It's like, I wanna acknowledge how fast everyone is who I just whooped in a race. But you go, I acknowledge everyone. And then somebody tweeted me, and this is interesting. And when did this start? It used to be and the winner is winner. Now it's the Oscar goes to. My entire life. It was, and the winner is Robert De Niro. Now it's the Oscar goes to. Subtle little semantics there, but why not the word winner, winner bad. Now because when someone wins, now you've shamed the other one. So the Oscar goes to sounds almost arbitrary. Whereas winner suggests you're better. This is basically, this is the participation trophy group now coming of age and making policy. And that's who you're dealing with. Why would we change from the winner? Why would it go from the winner to the Oscar Goes to this is it.

[Bald Brian]

I do, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You saw this.

[Bald Brian]

Is it the code?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

How people think have been burned by your same situation with the validation. I mean, that's a weird thing because that's a weird thing to like email back, say, hey, your validation didn't work, by the way. I'm at $11. I'm sure that's never happened. How many people think have been burned in your situation?

[Adam Carolla]

I will tell you how this works and I'll tell you how it quietly works for everybody. All the Time, which is. Cause I used to work at Kroc and Frank Murphy was our super cheap producer who worked at Kroc and he treated the validations as his. It's a weird thing. There's another weird thing that goes on where you have a job that is

[Dawson]

a weird thing where they dull them out.

[Adam Carolla]

They dull them out.

[Dawson]

How many do you need?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, so one should be enough, right? He looked at him as his. And so celebrities would come to do Kevin and Bean and they would park in the structure and then they would go to leave and he would just sit there and let them walk out the door. Cuz he was hoarding those things for himself. I am sure they have to pay a monthly whatever for their validations. So the policy is this, don't deny a celebrity their validation. They shouldn't have to pay, but if they don't say anything, let them go. We're four floors up. No one's gonna turn around and come back up here.

[Bald Brian]

You're right about it.

[Adam Carolla]

And they won't get past imbeciles who are watching the ESPN5.

[Bald Brian]

Well, not only are you right about that, but back to the other point you're making. I would. My brain goes to why would the security guard behave in this way and not know the basic tenets of his gig or her gig? And I would say, well, it's a chip on the shoulder. I deserve better. I'm not gonna really settle into this gig cause I'm too good for it. But then how do you explain NFL players that don't know the rules of the sport that they're getting paid millions of dollars to play?

[David Wilde]

What?

[Bald Brian]

There's not six overtimes in football. I never knew that. Shame on you. How do you not know the rules?

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a way to get people not to know whatever their job or whatever ask them to do. Pay them $9 million a year or pay them $9 an hour. Those are the things.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, it's a rich man, poor man

[Adam Carolla]

being shit at your job that does not know and does not need to give a shit one way or the other. I'd get a gig at Wendy's and be just as happy. All right. Also, and I gotta tell you, we went. Dr. Drew and I went a couple of weekends ago to do our show in Santa Barbara. Exact same thing. Like, called the guy, said, we're coming to the theater. He said, park along the side. We parked along the side, looked around, nothing. It was dark. Mike got on the cell phone and started walking toward the front of the Theater got a guy on the phone. Guy came around to the side of the theater. By the way, in the dark, in the shadows, at night, bunch of gates, bunch of doors, like old time theater, no windows or anything. Opens the door and guy just walks out and he goes, I unlocked the door for you. And I said, yeah, but there's a bunch of doors and gate. And we've never been to this theater before. And we called you and said, we're like, coming. Like, Mike called him, said, we're right around the corner. We're coming. He said, park. Park on the side. God forbid the lazy douche just walk out to the parking lot and stand there and wait four minutes for us for the act that night. Adam Kroll and Dr. Drew is gonna pay for the people coming to the theater. So he gave me. And by the way, don't ever mess with me. Nobody do anything to me. Because I immediately fire back with something. And it won't take minutes, it'll take tenths of seconds. We're walking in and he gives us the. Don't you. You know when they dump it back on you?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

They go, the guy just goes, I unlocked the door. And I go, oh, he unlocked the door. And I grabbed another door real quick that was next to us, and I went, oh, the handle's locked. Is it this door or is it that other door over there? Which door is it? Cause I don't know, he's like, okay, we walked in, we just said this guy, he wasn't really a douche, but I mean, just go. Fucking stand out. First off, don't dump it on us. And then secondly, I'm not gonna go to your theater and start checking side doors to get in.

[Allison Rosen]

Either he's so dumb that he thinks that it's obvious which door it is, or he's lazy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's night, there was no light, and there were three intelligent people standing in a parking lot going, I don't know how we're getting into this theater, but dickweed, because we called you and told you we were moments away. We'd assume because we don't see a human being standing there in a windbreaker, that. That we must be in the wrong place. Because surely anyone who did their job were the shit would be standing outside saying, oh, welcome in, come on in. You know, makes me want to just go to audible.com and just have. Just listen to every one of them. Masterful. Over 100,000 books and just melt away like that Twilight Zone where I lock myself in a bank vault and then My.

[Dawson]

You know how that ends, right?

[Adam Carolla]

My earbuds get crushed.

[Dawson]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, look it up. You'll laugh. Including my new book. Not Taco Bell material. It's all there. Audible is offering a free audiobook, so you can try them out for free. That's right. You make your choice, baby. Go to audible.com ace that is free, but you gotta follow the instructions. Details are all on the page. By the way, that is audible.com ACE free audiobook. And it's the only way to go when you're traveling these days. You gotta tune out the world. All right, Shaq.

[Bald Brian]

Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

What you got, brother?

[Bald Brian]

Hit it bald.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

It's time for Dave Dameshek's Number One Sports. Number One Sports.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Do it.

[Bald Brian]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a great Jimmy Kimmel. I called him today and congratulate him on a great after Oscar show.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, Excellent work as usual. Yeah, they're really rolling with that thing now. How many years in a row now? Seven or eight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he said, I believe.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Impressive work out of Kimmel and company. And cousin Sal through a after he throws a tailgate after the Oscars for the Kimmel staff in a parking lot down the street.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Cousin Sal bought four bottles of Mangria.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, did he?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he did.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, he did. Lying in Corolla's pocket.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Bald Brian]

All right. And I do know from Nick Santora, last week's guest, when I was in here, loved the Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

He threw up last time he was here. I mean, he waited till he got home, but then he threw up.

[Bald Brian]

That's a sign of love from him.

[Adam Carolla]

In many cultures it is.

[Bald Brian]

He's got a touchy belly, that one, that Nick Santorumi, he told us that. Mr. Tough Guy, but a touchy belly. Hey, here's a little suggestion for you for that Lakers game there, Ace. What about you take a little handheld recorder, you and Bill O'Reilly do a halftime podcast? That would be gangbusters, you just said. I'll go outside and just record a little something. That'd be interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure Bill will be amenable to that.

[Bald Brian]

It'll be half in the bag by then.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Do they serve Mangria at the Staples center yet?

[Adam Carolla]

They do. When I keyster a boat, a bag full of it, and it's the way I serve it by just contracting my muscles. I don't pull the boda bag out. I just hold the tumbler and it squirt, you know, you just walk over.

[Allison Rosen]

Top you off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do. What trudy Sting does whatever her last name is. Trudy Sting.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I think.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's Stingler.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Let's just agree.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's meet in the middle what Trudy Sting does, you know, so they can have sex for 17 hours. I do that with the Boda bag. I can get 28 ounces of mangria in it. I don't fill it first and then put it in. I fill it. You know, I put it in first. Obviously, you know what you're doing. Yeah. And, Phil, I tried the other way. There's not enough. I can't believe this ain't butter. To get that stuff, so. And then I feel it, and then I just contract, and you just hold your. It's totally sanitary.

[Bald Brian]

Hey, Nicholson, you want to come on over here?

[Adam Carolla]

You want a floater? I'll top that off.

[Bald Brian]

Hey, Laverne.

[Dawson]

Here you go.

[Bald Brian]

By the way, when are we going to bring that back already? Somebody has to bring that back. The Laverne L. On the thing. Why doesn't anybody. Why is no one picking up on that? Somebody needs to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Dan Cannon. How about an ass cannon full of Mangria and that tumbler of yours?

[Bald Brian]

All right, so that'll be a fun podcast to listen to. Now. We could talk about the Lakers. It's spring training in baseball. I know you don't care about the regular season of baseball. I was thinking when I flipped on the radio over the weekend, though, and I heard Chaz Steiner calling the action from one of the earliest exhibition baseball games. Adam Carolla, that really would be for you. That would probably be about as close to hell as you could get. Hey, don't just call 162 regular season games. Don't just have to do all those. Also, do the exhibition games to do 25 or 30 or however many they play in the regular season.

[Adam Carolla]

In the preseason, the people that listen to the preseason baseball, I went, rounded up and put down. Now it's different. The people that you know, as I've always said, in order to get, you know, collect all the deadbeat dads, we just have a thing at the Coliseum that says free cockfights for Raiders fans only. And then every single, every gent that wanders into that Coliseum on a Sunday afternoon is getting rounded up, and we're going to make sure he pays his debt to society. These people are gonna be rounded up and put down

[Bald Brian]

for their own good. They're not making good use of their time on this earth.

[Adam Carolla]

It will be explained to them that we are doing you a fav much like a dog that's riddled with cancer. Your last remaining years are not gonna be good. Plus, you're just sucking off the government teat with Social Security and Medicaid and all that stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

You feed us some chocolate for the greater good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, because we know you love the sport, we're gonna do it with a baseball bat. It is aluminum. We've had too many problems with Krakich before, so. And then we bring in the guys from casino and they go to town.

[Bald Brian]

But I did want to ask you about this Ace. A brewing controversy in the NFL is the Washington Redskins, the football team of our nation's capital, catching some heat, as they do perennially. But if for whatever reason, it feels like it's heating up this year. The Washington Redskins. Politically incorrect name.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Bald Brian]

And I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

No, listen, I know the dam Isek is Laverne Karakuzzi.

[Bald Brian]

I look pretty good like that. Yeah, I got to bring that up.

[Adam Carolla]

Laverne's last name.

[Bald Brian]

Laverne DeFazio.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Karakuzio is like a girl I went to high school with.

[Bald Brian]

The

[Adam Carolla]

ht, by the way. I could have figured that one out. The Redskins.

[Dawson]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I'm racist and I'm offended. Oh, you are?

[Bald Brian]

I was going to say I am. Legitimately, I am not. I don't feel like I'm a dove, but I mean, listen, it's offensive.

[Dawson]

It's.

[Bald Brian]

The name is Redskin.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Well, look, Washington had a team called the Bullets, and they changed the name because they had a pretty high murder rate over there.

[Bald Brian]

Specious link, though. I always find that one ridiculous. You know, Washington Bullets, I'm not interested in gunplay. Wait a second. The basketball team that I enjoy watching, they're named the Bullets. Maybe I will get myself a six shooter. What possibly be the connection?

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, instead of wizards, which has 0, 0 connection to the town of. I don't know if there's a bunch of wizardry or warlocks going on over there. You know what they should have done? They should have just put trains under the word bullets. They couldn't just put trains under there. Everyone would keep calling them the Bullets. Cause they always short, you know, Buccaneers or the Bucks, they just call them the Bullets. They still call them the Bullets, but say train underneath there.

[Dawson]

Save some money.

[Adam Carolla]

Save some money and it looks good. Wizard doesn't look like anything.

[Bald Brian]

Here's the people. But it's ultimately a rational. The organization and defenders of it and fans of it, don't want to change it for Obvious reasons. You've supported this for decades. If you're the franchise itself, you've been around for 80, 90 years. You don't want to basically erase.

[Allison Rosen]

Add potatoes to the T shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Redskin potatoes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[David Wilde]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Chips or potatoes.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

But here's how you know it's bad when people try and defend it. Here's all you have to think about. The old jokes that I heard 20 years ago, at least, where. Well, you couldn't name a team the Jews. You couldn't be the New York Jews. That's really not the equivalent. The equivalent is for Redskin Think. What would be the equivalent with other ethnicities? It wouldn't be the Boston black guys. It would be something much uglier than that. It wouldn't be the San Francisco gay fellas. It would be really upsetting.

[David Wilde]

Jews.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a context for Jews. I mean, you can go the Jews that are living in the Middle east or under fire right now. No one goes, what? What phrase did you use? You know, you just go, the Jews. So even the Jews, even though that'd be offensive. Wouldn't work. Redskin is nothing but derogatory. Yeah, that's why. Partly why I'm attracted to it.

[Bald Brian]

But you ultimately are against this name. I.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, I like one of the greatest logos in color schemes and in football in a day and age when everything is fuchsia and black and everything's changed, everyone's traded in, you know, it's really.

[Bald Brian]

It's really making a strong take for the top spot in my uniform.

[Adam Carolla]

Dumbo Patriots replace their Patriot logo with a stupid thing that looks like an arena team from the late 80s or something. It's just dumb. So I love the tradition of. I wouldn't want to do away with the logo.

[Bald Brian]

No, you could keep the logo. That's my compromise. Just change the name.

[Dawson]

That's all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay. Or here's what I would like to do. I would get together as, you know, all the Indian nations should really get together and go, look, either change the name, we'll go on the war path. We're not smoking the peace pipe for this one. I don't know if this is getting offensive or not. We're not.

[Bald Brian]

I didn't know you stumbled into War Path.

[Adam Carolla]

But no, we're going to sue you for Mega Wampa.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

You understand?

[Adam Carolla]

That was my gay porn name. Mega Wampum.

[Dawson]

Heap big lawsuit.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, how are you? That's what our lawyer is going to be saying to your lawyer, you understand? Unless you're going to have one of our fattest tribesmen return punts. The guy's cheeks are way too big. There's no helmet that can hold those cheeks. You know those guys just returning puns. By the way, that stadium would be sold out. Sold out every single home game. I would like to watch it.

[Bald Brian]

I like where your head's at on that.

[David Wilde]

Thank you.

[Bald Brian]

This isn't sports per se, but it is a competition. And it's something that I feel, I feel like we have addressed it in the past, Ace. We've had some bitter arguments about it, and I think it's about time that maybe next week or in the next couple of weeks, I think it's time for the 2013 Girl Scout Cookie rankings. And I think we, I, I submit we have a showdown because without realizing. Did you know? Of course we all know about the do si dos, the peanut butter sandwiches.

[Adam Carolla]

You do that like Chris Berman got

[Bald Brian]

a lot of different. You got the do Si do. You got the dolce de leche. You got the Samoan look. There are a lot of different girl Scout cookies, but the thin mint is pretty tasty. This just in. Throw it in with some ice cream. You've just stamped your ticket to cloud nine. Back on the blitz. Now listen, it is the best, the thin Mint. It's simple and elegant, unlike your beloved Samoa, which is cloying. Of course it tastes good. It's got everything sweet in it. Of course, I. Pete. Oh, I like pizza with everything on it. Yeah. Cuz it's got everything on it. That's not a challenge.

[Adam Carolla]

To make it taste good, I'm switching to the peanut butter.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, really? Okay, so the tag along. Well, don't.

[Dawson]

What?

[Bald Brian]

My point is, don't make any final decisions because they've added a lot. Now, I know there's a mango cream with Nutrificion. I don't even know what that means. There's a Savannah smile. It's a crispy, zesty lemon.

[Adam Carolla]

Cut that out. I like where you're going with it. The lemon. By the way,

[Bald Brian]

those are fine bread.

[Dawson]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just shortbread cookies. There's nothing to it.

[Bald Brian]

Well, listen, there's not a lot to the thin Mint, but what's there is positively delicious. The mango cream with nutrifision is a vanilla and coconut cookie with tangy mango flavored cream enhanced with nutrients derived from fruits.

[Adam Carolla]

Say tangy mango. Tangy mango.

[Dawson]

People see why it's not number two, sports number one.

[Bald Brian]

All right, so I think we need to do that. Can we organize that for maybe next week or in a couple weeks there, ace. Let's have a taste and we'll do that. All right, Great. Now let's cut to the chase here. Let's get to the creep of the week. Creep, creep. Creep of the week. Of the week. He or she is the creep of the week. Perhaps next. This week's creep of the week will be tangy mango flavored cream.

[Adam Carolla]

But he may be in the same backfield with legs akimbo this year. They both go in the first or second round.

[Bald Brian]

He's a sledgehammer of a fullback, that tangy mango.

[Dawson]

He's an islander. He's a fullback. Kind of like most eats a tupoo.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're inside backer and you try to step up and fill and tangy mango, he will take you out of your cleave.

[Bald Brian]

Not a mistake you'll make twice.

[Adam Carolla]

Legs akimbo cut right off that block.

[Dawson]

Tangy mango puts his hat on the first number he sees.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Dawson]

First colored jersey.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. The vigorous lover downfield with that wingspan of his blocking downfield. I mean, that's a recipe for a touchdown.

[Bald Brian]

Couple things quickly from the Oscars on Sunday night. First of all, Jennifer Lawrence, who is a vision and by the way, on my podcast Dave Damaschek football program on itunes, I floated the idea it's time for a new land of the fox showdown. And I decided an Oscar specific one, of course. The land of the fox. The most desirable soil in all. The Sheck republic.

[Adam Carolla]

Winner, best actress.

[Bald Brian]

No, just based on foxiness. Yes, yes, yes. But this competition, more important, who's foxier?

[Allison Rosen]

She tripped. She had an equoissant backwards. Everyone loves her.

[Bald Brian]

Jennifer Lawrence or Anne Hathaway? Ace, I start with you. Foxier. You only can vote for one.

[Adam Carolla]

Anne Hathaway has much better bones. And speaking of boning, I'd take Anne Hathaway just to wipe that smile off her face and just because she could never get clean. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Just what do you think she does when she orgasms? Because I bet she laughs.

[Adam Carolla]

I think she has her publicist orgasm for her.

[Bald Brian]

She talks about how courageous your performance was and that you gave her a playground that allowed her to take chances and that's why she got into lovemaking, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Bald Brian]

She's the only one who dabbed her, who dipped her toe into those pretentious waters. If you notice, there wasn't a whole lot of courage talk or bravery talk

[Adam Carolla]

for once in the Oscars. It was nice. Yeah, but you know she takes herself incredibly seriously. You know, she would never stop vomiting when I was done making love with her.

[Allison Rosen]

And that's why you're attracted to her.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say you'll know when I'm orgasming when you see the rooster tail of Mangria coming out of my ass. That's how you know I'm orgasming.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you're keeping the boda bag. I have an important question about that. Sorry, Dave, but this has to be asked. What attire do you wear to be filling people's drinks with your boda bag?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I wear. I have. Well, I have flap. Sweat. Sweat flaps. I mean, if you know the flap. That's a Velcro. It's Velcro. It's not a zipper thing. And the flap comes down, says Lakers on it.

[David Wilde]

Oh, good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And. Oh. Oh, no, no, wait. It should say Bottoms up. Bottoms up is what it says on it. This Bottoms up on the flap. The flap just drops down and then I just either laugh or do one fist pump and I'll give you a little sampler. And that's what I would do.

[Bald Brian]

And what else you've just done is you've given former program director at klsx, Jack Silver a new Halloween costume idea.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

That's right.

[Bald Brian]

Bottoms up.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

You get it.

[Bald Brian]

That was a bad impression. I leave that to bald Brian.

[David Wilde]

I don't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the Jack I know.

[Bald Brian]

But here's Bottoms Up. Jennifer Lawrence is the antithesis of that. She is charming and seems real. And I don't know if you video of her with Jack Nicholson coming up to her. It's all over the Internet. It's just she seems like. She seems like somebody who would react the way any of us would. Wow, this is crazy. Jack Nicholson's talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Is she the Tonight show chick or is that. I'm making her up.

[Dawson]

She was talking to George Stephanopoulos. Oh, Amy Adams.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Or Emma Stone.

[Adam Carolla]

No, wait, it was shit.

[Dawson]

You just ran Amy Adams. You were telling us.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. The last four times I did Leno, they had a chick who was an actress who was 25, who went on before me. She made me feel like hell. But that was Amy Adams. Yes. Sorry, not Jennifer Lawrence.

[Bald Brian]

Well, this Jennifer Lawrence I find to be. To be, you know, foxy. And she gets my vote. The only thing I don't like is I saw her today called J Law. J Law. How uncreative are we gonna be with our nicknames as a society? Society already. J Law is not a nickname. That's a Terrible thing. But that is not the worst thing I saw. The worst thing I saw. And this was brought to my attention by Adam Rank on my podcast today. And it's a great point in the death montage. This is a thing people wait for all year. They like to see who gets the most applause. All these things they did, like jobs I didn't know existed in show business, but they had no Dick Dawson, no Richard Dawson, star of the Running man and Family Feud. More egregious, no Alex Karras, AKA Mongo from Blazing Saddles. What is there? Are there legitimately 20 moments, comedic moments, one off jokes or physical gags like that that are more iconic than Alex Karras punching out the horse in Blazing Saddles.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you leave him out?

[Bald Brian]

It's an outrage.

[Dawson]

Longest pawn in game of life.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I don't like that. Also a quick shout out. I know he's coming in here. This is uncomfortable for all of you because I'll be long gone. Grant Lee Phillips, a great musician, but he did that Grant Lee Buffalo thing. Who names their band after themselves? That's something for you guys to have to deal with. That's an issue for all.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks for taking a shit in this show.

[Bald Brian]

I kid. I love him. I saw him in Chicago. I think it was the in now a non existent bar called lounjacks about 15 years ago. He's terrific. We're not on sports.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell you, Terrific.

[Bald Brian]

He's right up your mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

I've forgotten all about it. But oh yeah, I was here in a mountain hall, so we'll look forward to that. I was in my. What's wrong? Is it society or is it me? But I think it's me. But went to Kimmel's after party for the Emmys over at Soho House and it was just chalk filled with celebrities. And some of them. I know some of you talked to Kathy Griffin for a while and stuff, but I saw Bryan Cranston, who'd had a couple of glasses in him and he. I've said many times, just the nicest guy on the planet. What you see is what you get with him. And this was September, I guess September 23rd. And I sat down in his booth and we were just talking and we were just shooting the shit. And I said, what's going on? And he said, oh, man. I just. I'm working on this film called Argo and it's a true story about a fake film that was meant to get the hostages out in 79. And I'm like, there you go. My mind immediately went through. Someone's making a movie, it can't be good. I feel like a big dick. He was excited about Argo. You could tell. Maybe he just wrapped up or he just finished a few weeks earlier and he said, we got a winner here. I heard the name Argo and thought it sounded stupid, to be fair. It does, it does. It sounds Argo. And then he's had a couple of pops. I've had a couple of pops. And he's kind of explaining that, oh, it was kind of based on a true story about something that happened 30 years ago and stuff. And I was just kind of like. And I just, I was a douche. Like I wasn't douchey to him. But I just, I didn't have a

[Allison Rosen]

bunch of follow up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I just remember going, well, that's good for you. Then I'll be. Now is that gonna come out or is that just one of those pay per view things? Or just going straight to the VHS cassette there?

[Dawson]

Did he mention it was Ben Affleck directing? That would have tipped it towards us. That's pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Ben Affleck directing was kind of cool. But still this was the town was great. But then Gigli or whatever, like he had a couple of misses in there too.

[Bald Brian]

Well, it also seemed like it would be hard to do the math on the quality of it if you. Wait, this is a movie about Iran. Every movie Ben Affleck to that point had done was all Boston. Like, wait a second, how are you gonna get wicked pissa in the movie about 70s Iran?

[Adam Carolla]

So he was very excited about it. We talked for a while and I remember just kind of going, there you go. And I walked away thinking, maybe that'll just be a straight to video release or whatever. And then it won last night and I had never, I hadn't thought about the conversation I was driving today that, oh, that's the movie he spoke of.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'm sure he'll appreciate the way you've always believed in him.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened? Well, it's because he's a hero and he's courageous and he goes places.

[Bald Brian]

I will say I do remember to name drop or to piggyback on that. I remember when you were playing in the celebrity softball game at Dodger Stadium. I sat down and yapped with him for five minutes and he was positively delightful. It's so easy to be creepy or to be distant or disinterested in talking to a schmo.

[Adam Carolla]

The notion that this town can turn a nice guy into an asshole or an asshole into, you know, a sexual predator is untrue. You are who you are. I mean, I know people. I do know people. Some are in this room. But I will not say who. That if they turned into major celebrities, there'd be a problem.

[Allison Rosen]

I would not wear that much.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not saying you. They're in this room.

[Allison Rosen]

I think we know who he means.

[Adam Carolla]

It could be more than one of us. I'm just saying we all know, like, when we worked at Kimmel, there was a couple of those writers that if they would have come the next Judd Apatow, their egos, they would have turned into colossal assholes.

[Bald Brian]

Thank goodness that didn't happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank God it's not happening for anybody. I know.

[Bald Brian]

Real quick, let me just say this to you. I was thinking about this because I made the mistake of picking up a cup of Joe and taking a sip after I'd brush my teeth. Normally, that's something that never happens. So I put my list together quickly. Your thoughts on this. The other part, after brushing. Worst food to eat after you've just brushed your teeth. Ace, I'll start with you.

[Adam Carolla]

I think sweet. I think citrus. I think a blast for my ass of Mangria. That's gotta be the worst.

[Bald Brian]

That's not the wrong answer. That's for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Never the wrong answer.

[Bald Brian]

Bald Brian. How sweet.

[Dawson]

Wow, that is a strong number one.

[Bald Brian]

That really is very good.

[Dawson]

Ironically, number two is if anyone's ever drank orange juice after brushing their teeth, it's like fucking poison. So also, eating an orange.

[Bald Brian]

That's not good. Yeah, I have orange at number two, as a matter of fact. Allison Rosen, how say you?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they've gone citrus, and they're absolutely right. But I'm gonna say ham.

[Bald Brian]

Ham.

[Allison Rosen]

Because that.

[Adam Carolla]

Just Ham.

[Bald Brian]

That's what's fun about this particular list, is that there's really not a wrong answer. There isn't a taste.

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine biting into a ham sandwich.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's. Yeah, but it's not gonna affect the taste of the ham. It's more like, I just got my teeth clean and now they're swimming in pig.

[Bald Brian]

Ace is right. You have come up with the one wrong answer.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but not the taste.

[Allison Rosen]

But I feel. But if you have the taste of mint in your mouth and then you. Then you bite into ham, those are not flavors that are going to go well. There's no thin ham cookie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, listen, I'm shitting on.

[Bald Brian]

Let me just tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

I should not be shitting on your

[Bald Brian]

point at number five.

[Adam Carolla]

Let Me. Let me say this. Hold on. I have done. The reason I don't. I'm not getting down with ham.

[Allison Rosen]

Peanut butter would also be disgusting.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel as ham is inert in a weird way, like a non player in the taste game.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's something I used to think about a lot. This is a fun fat girl thing to think about. Okay. If you drop. Which is more disgusting, dropping a little bit of seafood onto a piece of birthday cake or dropping a little bit of birthday cake into, like scallops you're gonna eat, which would contaminate it more.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you flick? You have to eat the piece that it's dropped onto.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, a little cake into the scallops.

[Adam Carolla]

Feels weirder to me. The other way.

[Bald Brian]

Other way.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going the other way.

[Adam Carolla]

I will tell you this. If you ever go and do wine tasting, and I know, Brian, you've probably done this experience before, if you ever do the tasting and where they try to pair the wines with the proper meats and proper foods, they will do a thing where the guy will give you a little bit of lemon, a little bit of salt, and then tell you. And there's this thing where it's like you'll taste a cab that you think is unbelievable. Like, you go, oh, this is unbelievable. And they'll go, now just take a little bit of lemon and put on your tongue. Now taste it. It's like it becomes a completely different thing.

[Dawson]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Completely different thing.

[Bald Brian]

Really? I always wonder, is that the power of suggestion? Are you making that happen just by putting it in my head or is that actually happening? Because it is remarkable how they can do that. Which brings me to number four.

[Adam Carolla]

Except for with ham, there was no

[Bald Brian]

change after you brushed your teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

Zero change with ham.

[Bald Brian]

It's interesting that you would bring that up because I actually have at number four a Syrah. But really any of the. Any member of the red wine family isn't gonna go well with your brushed teeth. At number three, Buffalo wings, extra spicy. You don't want that. You don't want Indian food or anything.

[Allison Rosen]

That's really hammy.

[Bald Brian]

At number two, the orange. And at number one, Sam and sashimi. That would make me throw up.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[Bald Brian]

They're all bad, but that's the one that would make me puke, actually, if I had that. Get away from the sports. Hey, I got. I got you, ace. Last week, you know how you were talking about somebody in this room? That was you. Who was the creep of the week? This week it's someone else in this room, it's bald Brian for his. Where's the sports drop, you creepo? Turn the blaster on thyself, jerk.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

I'm done.

[Bald Brian]

I'm leaving here. I don't want anything to do with any one of you. Except for you, Alison. Thank you. Let's go brush our teeth and eat some ham.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see Grant Lee, Buffalo out there. By the way, this Wednesday, over to Malfi Elliot Gould.

[Bald Brian]

Holy hell.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think he has any idea what's gonna happen.

[Allison Rosen]

That makes for the best show.

[Dawson]

Watching me really hip and love podcasts.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be awesome. I have had it happen. I mean, like, Loveline was that kind of show where people would show up and someone call up, and the next thing you know, they're like, I like it when my boyfriend defecates on me. And I've had people, like, who are gassed. Or like, I have to leave. I'm sorry. I didn't know what this was. My publicist just said I was doing a popular radio. I didn't. I'm Christian, and I just leave.

[Dawson]

That absolutely happened.

[Adam Carolla]

And people were like. There were people that would just physically go, I have to leave now.

[Dawson]

Who?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we had a Darkness.

[Dawson]

The Darkness band. They were in for five minutes and there was, like, a racy call, and they were polite about it, like, we didn't know what the show was. And I'm sorry, we've gotta go.

[Allison Rosen]

But Left in Darkness.

[Dawson]

Remember them?

[Allison Rosen]

I do. And I'm surprised that they wouldn't stick around.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also what I name what's under the flap. The Darkness. You want me to top off that Mangria for you? It makes me laugh.

[Bald Brian]

I'm so envious of Bill O'Reilly. What a time you two are going to have together.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, you want to score points in this town, you get some nice pictures of you and Bill O'Reilly taking up Primo seats at the Primo game.

[Bald Brian]

Never been to one of these before. Who's number 24 in the gold? I don't know who that is.

[Dawson]

Chomping on cigars unlit.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Guess who's going to be in the next Aflac video? The Ace man. That's right.

[Bald Brian]

Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

No. It'll never happen again. No, no. I have to write my own movie. I don't get cast. Another previous movie. And O'Reilly's not going to help.

[Bald Brian]

Argo 2.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Sheck, real quick, let's get that label up there, because I want to yell. And I feel like Sheck would be a good guy to yell with me.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I'll take a drink.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm hoping, I'm hoping. Well, first show, do it in order, please. I'm hoping I can get everyone to slowly start hating the government as much as I hate the government. And I don't believe they're nefarious. I just believe all they want is money and their job is about as good. It's basically when there's one cable company, there's a seven hour window. I mean, what other business says we'll show up your house between 9am and 5pm except for a company that has a monopoly on a business. Competition breeds that stuff out. They make calendars and schedules and they do it every half hour. They don't give you nine hour windows. I may have brought up Mangria. You have to come up with a label. And we talked about it on the show and I said, well, we're coming out with the white. And I talked to the guy in Napa and I said, well, just put the same label on the back of the thing. It just says the story of Mangria. Just put, put it on the white, put it on the red. It already got approved for the red. So I said, let's just put on the back of the white. And then you have to put it through the like atf, there's like Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, whatever board that okays. Basically what they're saying is, is you may manufacture, conceive of manufacture and distribute this product and give us 1/3 to maybe 45% of whatever you make off of it. You're now free to do that. We're not gonna do anything. Fine. So we gave them the bot. We just gave them the old label, which they'd already approved. And they looked at it and said, we don't approve of this. And we said, well, we know you did before because we already went through this process with you before. And they said, yeah, well, we don't approve of it. And by the way, we don't approve of 100% gluten free. Just make it gluten free. And we said, all right, we'll make it gluten free. And then they said, we don't approve of that either. And then we said, well, you said you couldn't do 100%, but you could do gluten free. And they said, yeah, we said that, but we're not gonna prove it. But at the same time the mango flavor was being labeled was getting and they Proved gluten free on the mango, by the way. Everyone says, as everyone says, why? All the time. Why, why, why? Or what were they thinking? Nothing. They don't give a shit. Answer is, what are you gonna do? Go across the street and go, you know what? I'm taking my business to the other Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms place on the corner. I know a good guy, I went to high school with. His parents run an alcohol, tobacco and firearms company. And there's this. They'll approve my label. So screw you. No, you have to go through their business, otherwise you have to use them or you're a felon, basically. So they can just do whatever they want and they don't give a shit.

[Bald Brian]

That inconsistency is insane though. And by the way, I might make a case that the government needs more bodies in it. When a department is Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, it seems like they're cutting, they're biting off more than they can chew.

[Adam Carolla]

But all right, one doctor does ear, nose and throat. That's not three. That ain't three juice. That's one you.

[Bald Brian]

But that. So in a way, don't you feel bad like you're going to get the guy who originally approved it in some trouble?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, oh, I'd love to get him.

[Bald Brian]

He just rubber stamped that. It was, it was like 3:30 on Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody out early, nobody gets into trouble. That's the beauty of it. So, all right, they won't approve of the label for the white that they already approved for the red, which we've been selling for six months. But all right, so, so be it. So I said, fine, I'll use this as an opportunity to cook up a new little. By the way, it's the size of a postage stamp and it's on the back label. So I write what drunk people don't read. Anyway, I go home and compose. Oh, you couldn't write that.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

At last, a swarthy Latin lover that is Adam Carolla's Mangria has found his soulmate. A sweet, fair haired peach, you get it, Of a senorita with a great pear spelled like a pearl. But watch out, boys, this blonde bombshell packs a punch. They write back today, you can't say packs a punch. This is their official documentation. You can't say packs a punch. Now, packs a punch could mean high alcohol, could mean a lot of things. Could be zesty, I don't know. Could be the taste, could be the taste, could be anything. Can't say packs a punch, can't do anything. That alludes to any form of intoxication, except for that's the only reason that people consume this product. And then I was yelling at Mike today while I was driving. He loves these phone calls when I call him at noon and start yelling when he's trying to walk his fucking dog and he's got his kid with him. Don't we have a labeling system on everything that explains what's inside of whatever? Hairspray isn't meant to be lit on fire, but it says flammable cigarettes are meant to be enjoyed. But it says it will kill you. Like we tell you what everything does to you. Booze gets you fucked up, but it does not say anywhere on the label that this product will get you drunk. Someone should be able to sue them for not telling them what it does to you. If I said, oh, go sound smooth. You can hardly feel it. And the next thing you know, someone, Nick Santora took a bottle to his head and then got in that RAV4 and went into oncoming traffic.

[Dawson]

Do you ever see a documentary? This film is not yet rated. Yeah, you should have done what the filmmakers did in that, which is your version. Should have been this bombshell will fuck your shit up, boys. And then when they said no, just dial it back a bit to packs a punch. And then they would have sent it on through.

[Adam Carolla]

So they would not approve the label that they originally approved. And by the way, this is again, we're gonna do all the work. They're gonna collect the revenue. They're in for a bigger taste, pardon the pun, than the company that is going to manufacture this stuff in Napa. The government will make more money. They will never have to leave their house. They'll never get on a plane. They'll never go on a mangria tasting party. They won't have to bottle cork ship. They'll do nothing. And they will make more money than all of us, except for they're gonna retard this process by being retards and doing this. And is there any recourse where I can go to them and go, hey, fuck you. I'm making the product, and where's my creative license? Like, what fucking country are we living in? Packs a punch, really? You're allowed to just say no. And by the way, once they say no, just go back and try it again, or remove some of the words that you've created and make your statement a little less effective, and then we'll let you put it on the bottle that you manufactured.

[Bald Brian]

And they're just not willing to Hear any argument. Because when you read it in its entirety, you make puns about peach and pear fruit punch goes along with those previous punch. It all sort of works in that regard. But they don't want to hear that. No, you're.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Nope.

[Bald Brian]

We're reading your mind. We know what you're suggesting is intense drunkenness.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, also, whereas most sangria is a lower percentage of alcohol, wine comes in 13, 14% or anywhere from 12 to 15 or something like that. Sangria's wine that has some juice in it, some other flavors. It's cut, it's stepped on, as we say in the business. You know what I mean? So. So it's like when I take the bota bag that's up my ass and just empty a bottle of seven up into my ass. It's like that. It's stepping on it. So regular. Here's the deal. Regular sangria probably comes in at 9, 10% alcohol, maybe 8 or 9% alcohol. This comes in at more than twice that. So shouldn't you be alerting the people that are buying this?

[Allison Rosen]

How did our friends at Sledgehammer call their wine Sledgehammer?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. Asking why is.

[Bald Brian]

How about this paradox that both of which work against one Adam Carolla. You talk about these overly vigilant people at the atf, and yet you deal with security guards who are. Who are anything but vigilant about doing their job.

[Allison Rosen]

They're not doing the same general message, which is no and go fuck yourself.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that's exactly right.

[Dawson]

I want.

[Bald Brian]

You know what it is. That's exactly what it is. Allison. I have always contended that there is a. I would say a majority of people in this country that have the lunch lady syndrome, which is if you have any little. If you have a sliver of power, you will wield it to obnoxious degrees. There are a lot of people who suffer from that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, I can do this to you, then I'm going to. I'm a jerk about it.

[Adam Carolla]

You do not realize what happens to your attitude and your work ethic when it becomes, well, go find another building to do a small sports show in, or go create your own government entity to approve your label. You don't realize how quickly you don't realize when there is a restaurant and you're the only restaurant and the only choice that anyone. You don't know how bad the service. How bad the service would be at that restaurant. If it's only thing that keeps people in line is a bunch of restaurants hustling for your buck. So anyway, the question is, is what now? Argue with them, alter it, they end up winning because you just go, fuck it, I want to get the product out there. But they're clearly wrong. You should be able to say packs a punch. And yes, that could mean spicy, it could mean zesty, it could mean a whole bunch of different things.

[Dawson]

Maybe the easy solution is just say this blonde bombshells flavor packs a punch. Or put some word in there or packs a punch, it waters it down. This is the best version.

[Adam Carolla]

But if you want to get. I don't know if they would accept flavor. But see, they don't. They're wildly inconsistent and everything is a two week wake wake. So they're sitting out.

[Bald Brian]

All right, so let me just boil it down to you for this. Maybe it should just be best enjoyed. Not after you just brushed your teeth. That's the end of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I gotta get some fertilizer into a rented van, so I gotta take a break here for a second. All right? And again, all you guys who do nothing but complain about me complaining, buy a house and attempt to build something on your land. Try to launch a product. Go ahead, go. It's so easy for you ass wipes to sit in your rent controlled apartment in Santa Monica and turn your nose up at me. Well, what are you doing? No, no, try to do something and then tell me how much you love your precious government. All right, we'll take ourselves a break. Dave Damasek the podcast, by the way, Dave Damaschek football program. You can get it on itunes and davedamic NFL.com Grant Lee, Buffalo in now. Yeah, we're back with Grant Lee Phillips, Buffalo walking in the green corn. Name of the new album available on itunes. And you know what to do. You go to itunes, you go to AdamCroll.com you click on the banner and put a little wind in the sail of our pirate ship. Good to see you, Grant Lee. Good to see you.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Hey there.

[Adam Carolla]

I like you already, man. You got a great vibe, man.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Well, thank you. We, we met years ago, you know, back on. It was, it was late one night on the love line. Out on the love line.

[Adam Carolla]

Normally people walk out of that show.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Well, no, no, I mean I felt a little, a little ill equipped in some ways, you know, not being a professional and all in working on a real crisis line. So that, that part I felt a little bit, maybe like a little bit above my head.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever run into guys from Buffalo Springfield and then like throw down? No, I would like to pull A knife out and go. Come on, I'll cut. You have like a buffalo war. Yeah, a little buffalo.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

No, we have not.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, old man. Bring your pick.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Oh, man. I love Neil Young too much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull out a shield on my hero.

[Adam Carolla]

Who do you like? Who are some of the guys who you listen to growing up or who you like now? And don't do that bullshit move where you name nine bands that we have to pretend like we know. Right, right.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I'm really into this. Kelly Clark was a big influence.

[Adam Carolla]

Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. I know.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Listening to music.

[Adam Carolla]

Music, yeah, we like that, too.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

No, you know, I mean, yeah, obviously, like. Like, Neil Young was a big one for me because, you know, being a songwriter and a guitar player. Beatles, of course. I'm a child of. I'm probably like a year older than yourself. So I grew up in that era of great, you know, Bowie, glam rock, it all was side by side, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Hunky Dory's a great album.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I love that record.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I love.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

That's a big one, actually. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hunky Dory is great because it's weird and it's different and it's like very unbow y in a sense that if you only know Bowie from the radio.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Then Hunky Dory will surprise you.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

That's true. Because it's like you kind of feel like you're hearing his demos in plays, you know, like. Yeah, this was called Andy Warhol.

[Adam Carolla]

That one does sound like a.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

It's actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Hole. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that. Yeah, that part makes you feel like you're high.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that record.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Like, it's all. It's all wrong. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yep.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I'm surprised to hear that you. You were into that record, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's weird because I don't like David Bowie's stuff that they play on the radio that much. But, like, that weird older stuff is really cool.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And he. I don't talk about. I'm always talking about John Hyatt, Graham Parker and Jayhawks and guys like that. But David Bowie did some really cool stuff.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I saw your John Hyatt poster outside right next to Evel Knievel, who was my other. My other big influence.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, so what. Let's talk about you. You grow up where.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I grew up in Stockton, California, which is straight north of here about six hours.

[Adam Carolla]

And always into music.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Yeah, pretty much so. I mean, I was a child magician when I was 10 and then I found my way into music when I turned about 14, something like that, started writing songs.

[Adam Carolla]

Magician usually means a lot of. Lot of downtime at home.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a lot of abuse in the. I grew up.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I had doves. I had two doves.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

And I would perform. You know, I would go. My mother would take me to perform at, like, a men's club or, you know, Pixie woods was our amusement park.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you get these doves specifically for your magic act?

[Adam Carolla]

I did, yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Yeah. My great grandmother, they raised birds, and so that was an easy one. You know, I'll get some dove, put them in a pan full of fire and pluck them out of there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's a good thing they didn't raise badgers. It would have been a disaster, man. Traveling. But I've been here with badgers.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I'm in the Valley, though. I mean, I know you grew up in the Valley. I've been here since 83 in the valley.

[Adam Carolla]

I always think. I always think of magicians as wildly, like, antisocial, because that's probably true. And so here's. Because here's her thing. For the most part, they don't talk and they make things disappear.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And basically, they're not a social move. Like, I remember lying to you. I was in Vegas once, and I just saw a guy, and he was just like. He never. He didn't say a word. He's like. And then he'd just go like that, and whatever he hit would just sort of chick would disappear and then lion would disappear. And I thought, this is kind of symbolically antisocial. He's not talking and he's taking away everything that I love.

[Dawson]

His name's Tyler and he's a legend now.

[Adam Carolla]

But there was like, you know, I

[Grant Lee Phillips]

mean, Houdini, that was a big one growing up, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

How much did Houdini talk?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

You know, I don't know. I think that maybe there's some recordings of him talking, but.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Really?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Yeah, I think there are squeaky sort of wax cylinder.

[Allison Rosen]

Are there any chatty magicians? Because that could be a drag.

[Adam Carolla]

Pen Will.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

There's like, David Copperfield, right? He talks in the. Oh, David Blaine.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

He's like.

[Adam Carolla]

He seems like he used to be

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

hitting you up for.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he doesn't talk that much.

[Dawson]

The Amazing Jonathan is a very verbose.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he? Yeah, I was Ricky J. No, I know. I know.

[Bald Brian]

What.

[Adam Carolla]

He cuts his fingers off and stuff like that. I remember, by the way, you ever have that sort of thing where you go? You're passing a nightclub. I was in Vegas and said, amazing Jonathan. I was like. And I was just in a car with Charles, who does a little work over there. And I was like, amazing Jonathan. He's like, fuck that guy. Like, what? Fuck him. He sucks. And I'm like, he does. He's fucking horrible, man.

[Allison Rosen]

In that car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But I was like, first off, how do you have such strong feelings about someone? I don't even know. I never really think. I mean, he wears a bandana and he cuts his fingers off on Letterman and blood. Oh, he's so fucking bad. Fucking hate that fucking guy. And I'm like, really? Oh, this fucking shot. People are just leaving. He's fucking brutal, man. And I was like, wow, he's so animated.

[Dawson]

About that bad.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never met anyone that animated.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, work to make sure that the, like, he hates him. He hates him.

[Adam Carolla]

You've never heard someone with a stronger opinion on the amazing job.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I've never seen him, never heard him.

[Allison Rosen]

He's. He's awful.

[Adam Carolla]

He's awful to one guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You wish you'd cut your head off. Oh, yeah. So I never. It was weird. I kind of wish we'd never brought it up, to tell you the truth, because it was all the way to the airport.

[Dawson]

Okay, buddy.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Okay.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Thank God you were in the car, I think. Yeah, that's right. All right, so you move to the Valley.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You start. You start even you give up the magic wand. You pick up a guitar.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you start playing music.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

That's right. That all happened in maybe 14, 15, something like that. But then maybe 1920, that's when I moved to LA. And with a. You know, I had a Plymouth satellite full of magic tricks and a Charlie McCarthy and a banjo and an amplifier. And it all. It all came with me and my dreams.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, love, I like Cinnamon Girl.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Cinnamon Girl.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

That's a Neil Young song, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you play that riff?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Do I know it?

[Adam Carolla]

You should have him on. I think it's just gonna happen. Yeah,

[David Wilde]

right.

[Adam Carolla]

Something like that.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I love cinnamon. It's good for your blood.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I say.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Cinnamon, cardamom, all those things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you gotta eat that Cinnamon Girl. So, Grant, you want to play a song for us?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I'd love to.

[Adam Carolla]

What song would you like to play?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Well, you know what? I was thinking about playing a song called Walking on the Green Corn. It's the title track of this self released album of Mine. Not Grantly Buffalo, by the way, but of myself, Grantly Phillips. Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And is Grantly Buffalo's got a live record that's coming out in the spring?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

We do, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Live at the Royal Festival Hall, a show from London.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, cool. How's Grant Lee Buffalo received overseas?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Traditionally, it's been really strong overseas. More so overseas than here, I would say.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? I mean, I know anything that's good is more appreciated somewhere else.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I don't know. I don't know how you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Even in your own house.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Yeah, I saw it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the further you get away from your house, the more people appreciate. Like, everyone who lives with you is like, knock it off with a guitar, would you, there, Grant? Give me a headache. I'm watching Wheel of Fortune here. Could you knock it off? Right, but then if you get a little further from your house. But listen. Yeah, it's the same way with stand up.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

I go to the fucking El Portal Theater in North Hollywood where I grew up. I gotta blow a guy to get 375 people in there. But I go to Boston. Oh, there's 1,400 people. And you go to Washington D.C. there's 1,500 people. You go to Seattle, there's 2,000 people. I grew up in North Hollywood. I can't get 400 people to fucking theater. So you have to go far. And I'm guessing the people who live in Seattle have to come out to North Hollywood to draw a crowd. There's some sort of exchange program or something that goes on.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I think since Jerry Lewis, Right. Since he was big in France, it's been like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Life would be a lot easier for David Hasselhoff, you and me, if we could just not go to an airport, you know, to get a payday.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so London.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

London.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

2011. We hadn't played together for, like, 15 years, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

We had been on your show that night, and maybe a year or two later, it was this. We were kind of extinct for 15 years and then just decided, let's see what this feels like as old men. Let's check it out, you know? And we did a couple years ago, and it was really fun. And we recorded it and we've done a few shows since then.

[Adam Carolla]

And all the guys just spread out around Los Angeles.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Yeah, we're sort of spread out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Some of us are in la. Some of us are up in the northern parts.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is from Walking in the Green Corn and that's a Phillips, not a buffalo.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Should I make my way towards that microphone?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Imagine this.

[Adam Carolla]

To that, and without any further ado, Grant Lee Phillips. Everybody.

[David Wilde]

Away.

[Adam Carolla]

Black tornado blow away troubled sky Blow away disappointment all the worry days gone by Ready for the crops to ripen Leaving all the rest behind welcome outside Looking forward to better times Walking in green corn Walking in the field so high Walking in the green corn of life. Blow away the dust forever Tear up those seeds of death Blow away

[Grant Lee Phillips]

and

[Adam Carolla]

roll on out like some dark cloud Been a long time we're coming Been a long time for sure welcome out harvest Got a world worth waiting for Walking in green color

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Walking in the

[Adam Carolla]

field so high Walking in the green corn of light. Blow away black tornado we'll wing twisted horn Scatter on home Swear you won't come around no more Ready for the crops to ripen Leaving all who are behind welcome that rain Looking forward to

[Allison Rosen]

better times

[Adam Carolla]

Walking in green corn Walking in the field so high Walking in the green corn of life. Walking in the green corn Walking in the field so high Walking in the green green cone of life. Walking in the green corn of life. Grant Lee Phillips. Walking in the green corn and special shout out to Dawson, who does a fantastic job engineering this stuff and dialing it in. I mean, it just. I mean, obviously I get some credit for building the studio and the acoustics in here and all the sweat equity that went into this. And obviously it's laid out in such a way where, you know, a great performer like Grant Lee Phillips can be fully realized. But, Dawson, and don't forget, you paid for everything. Oh, and I paid for everything. Right. But still, what was Dawson doing?

[Allison Rosen]

Twiddling knobs.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, yeah, he did something with a potentiometer. And for that, he deserves a smattering of applause points for you, ace man. Potentiometer. Who went to Pinnacle College? Well, I'll tell you, it was one of my first questions when I got in the radio, because I think I said to Jimmy, whenever they would say, pot that up. Pot that guy up. Pot that person down. I was like, pot. That was pot. Why does it say pot? What is it? And they said, potentiometer, dude. Yeah. Yeah. So pot him down or pot his cans up. Pot them up. So that was a big deal.

[Allison Rosen]

You could be an engineer now.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Look out whoever the famous engineer person is. So I'm coming for you. It's never a good sign when you can't think of the name of the person.

[Allison Rosen]

Dawson, who's the famous engineer?

[Adam Carolla]

You could say Barry Rudolph. Look out, Larry. What's his name? I'm coming for you. Yeah. No, it means it probably doesn't pay as well as it could.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like, everyone's like, hey, man, I got moves like Michael Jordan or I'm better than Justin Timberlake or whatever it is. Like, that's. That means. Yeah, Dustin. That means there's money.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry.

[Allison Rosen]

Dustin Timberlake is the lesser known of

[Adam Carolla]

the Timberlake, but they're better, actually.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't believe both of us forgot this, but the number one engineer you should be talking to. Count of three. One, two, three. Allen Parsons.

[David Wilde]

All right. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not that I knew that he was an engineer, but I knew that it had been 81 minutes since Dawson had said the words Allen and Parsons. The names together.

[Allison Rosen]

What happens if the thing flips over and it's 82?

[Adam Carolla]

You see dust. Well, like they say, they have those things at factories. Like, days since accidents. And then we have days since Dawson hours since. Dawson has not either summoned Alan Parson Parsons or talked about something avocado related. That's true, Summons. Absolutely true. Seance summoned up Alan Parsons. No. Nice job. Because honestly. And you get some credit for playing this song.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Well, thank you, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

But it just really sounded so crisp and so beautiful.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Thank you. It's the Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Not always easy to pull off.

[Dawson]

Since we're Boston Dawson's chops, it's a

[Adam Carolla]

perfect time to mention that Lisa Loeb will be coming in next week. Oh, all right, let's tell the story now. So Grant Lee knows all about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you're gonna need to.

[Adam Carolla]

One time, Dawson, when I was doing a morning show, when I was doing a morning show in 2008 or something like that, he showed up in shants that didn't have gravy on them. And I said, whoa, what's the occasion? Dress shants. Yeah. Yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

McCann's off.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He was wearing. He was wearing flip flops that were, like, only 4 to 6 years old. And I said, what is the occasion, Dawson? And he said, lisa Loeb's coming in today. And I said, yeah. And he said, she does that single show, you know, the number one hit single or whatever it is. She did that, like, VH1 single. Like Lisa Loeb's single Looking for. Looking for a Date show.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Remember that?

[Allison Rosen]

Right? 40 and single.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was called number one single. Number one single. Right. And she's cute as a button and she sounds great and writes fun songs and everything like that. And I said, so what of it, Dawson? And he said, we're going out. And I said, you're going out? Yeah. And I said, how's that going to work? And he said, I'm going to ask her out. I said, well, that don't mean you're going out. You can apply for a job at the Pentagon, but it doesn't mean you're going to be working there. And he said, well, she's single. I said, yeah, I know. Well, at least in the TV show, she's single, but that don't mean she's going out with you. You have access to every. By the way, I'd get divorced tomorrow if I thought those were the rules. Lynette, no offense, but you know what I'm saying. The rules aren't because you're single. You must date me. The rules are you have to sign off on this request.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Some sort of positive affirmation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I said to Dawson, this is not a done deal by any stretch of the imagination. That information confused Dawson more than anything. And I said, all right, well, go ahead and ask her. I'm not telling you not to ask her out. I'm just saying don't start planning the date out just yet until you get confirmation from her. And. But he said, yeah, a little confused by the exchange.

[Dawson]

Long story short, they're married.

[Adam Carolla]

Long story short, she came in an hour later singing a song split. And I said, did you ask her out? And he went, yeah. And I said, what happened? Nah, that's okay. And I thought, let this be a lesson to you and everyone else who

[Allison Rosen]

is that she must have terrible taste in men.

[Adam Carolla]

No. To never try ever. And I hope there's young people listening. Now, here's the good news and the bad news. Dawson, she's not going to remember this exchange. I know, and I'm happy about that.

[Allison Rosen]

Can you do the bad news Till he tells her?

[Adam Carolla]

Till I tell her. No, the bad news is that she's not gonna remember the exchange. Meaning there's a song by the Doobie Brothers called what a Fool Believes.

[David Wilde]

Oh, right.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

You're really on the mic.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly what it sounded like. That's right. That's right. If you get the lyrics to that song. That's exactly. That's exactly it.

[David Wilde]

That's exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

The White man has the power.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

The White man has the Power.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a white supremacist song.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

You wouldn't know it because he mumbles.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an interesting song. And if you break it down, it's basically Just about it. It's about a guy who thinks he had a relationship with a chick, but she doesn't remember who he is. Ah, right. If you really just break it down.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Is it because he didn't enunciate?

[Adam Carolla]

Their lyrics are right over there. Yeah.

[Dawson]

Kenny Laughman's co writer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Join me.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying hard to recreate when it gets to be created once in her life she must have done, Only to realize it never really. Now see, now this is where it gets cruel. She had a place. No, no. Go up. Oh, really?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

From there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, there it is. Oh, that's right. Now here's where it gets sad. That's the sad story. Everybody helped me. That was everyone else who worked at Kyla Sex. That's in hero Sad. What a f. Now where's your white supremacist?

[Grant Lee Phillips]

It's the wise man. It's not the white man. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

The wise man. Same difference. Yeah. To reason away. That's right. All right. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

You get the.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a hit. It's kind of an interesting song.

[Dawson]

That was magical.

[Adam Carolla]

And a little sad as well.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I had no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. You really got McDonald.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I think we can get Michael McDonald on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

You can get Mike McDonald on the show. I think with a couple of phone calls. All right.

[Dawson]

We got to get Daggers.

[Adam Carolla]

Like to someone who knows him.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, well, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be the first phone call. That would be the very first one that would have to be made. It can't be random phone calls.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

It's really possible.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

The guy.

[Adam Carolla]

When I went on tour with Alan Parsons in South America, the guy who was our stage manager.

[Bald Brian]

I mean the guy was.

[Adam Carolla]

The production manager is Michael McDonald's front of house guy. And that has to do with avocados. Why? Because guacamole is good. Yes. All right, so we will. Can we hear that? Do you have that song, Brian?

[Allison Rosen]

Somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little underrated. It gets. Gets lost. People think I'm a little too much about China Grove. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what? It's got a little. It's got the bongo in it. From the. If you like Pina Colada. It's got a little like Rupert Holmes in it. I think the prom. Did anyone ever know what this song was about?

[Dawson]

White power.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like your mind just kind of writes stuff off or you kind of. It's like. It's a little. Little popcorn ditty, but it's got some truth to it. It's kind of interesting and it's Got some depth to it now. You gotta join in here.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Crank it up. You gotta use the mic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

There you go.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Good song.

[Giovanni (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, if you ever listen to some Steely Dan stuff, Michael does some pretty stellar work in the background. That'll be it. When we get him in, we'll talk. Nothing but Steely Dan.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Oh, ride like the wind, too. He appears. He makes a cameo. Kind of a Hitchcockian kind of cameo.

[Adam Carolla]

He makes a song, any song that has a bongo or congo in it, Right. That song, he's immediately attracted to. Do you have a little.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone could play a bongo somewhere. And he shoots up in his bed.

[Adam Carolla]

Ride like the wind.

[David Wilde]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'll find that one. Oh, somewhere. Gotta have it somewhere. You listen to the Congo, bongo, whatever.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Congo Unchained, we call it.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll find it.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

You can really find bongo music.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't have that. What the hell is going on in this country? Bald Brian. Grant Lee Phillips, by the way, the music. Walking in the Green Corn. Available again on Amazon as we speak. We'll see. Just to hear that beginning. Just to hear that beginning drum thing. Just that hand slapping the skins. But if we don't have it, Mike, you know he's gonna find it. Mike will have it somewhere. Mike has an iPod with 80,000 songs on it.

[Giovanni (Podcast Host)]

Let's see.

[Adam Carolla]

And yeah, Michael McDonald does some pretty stellar backup on that.

[Dawson]

Steely Dan, right? Like.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not Steely Dan.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

Christopher Cross, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. Screwed you up with that. That hear the punk likes anything with a lamonger to it. All right, Grantly, knock yourself out. I got to say, make fun of the song all you like. If it comes on the radio, I ain't changing it. And I may sit in my car it is the night My body's weak I'm on the run. Back when guys used to write songs about being on the run on the road. Gotta hurry. Gotta get to the next town. Crisscross. Make love to my next lady. Oh, here, Michael, By the way, you don't have to say border. Mexico. We know where you're going. You're not going to Canada, for Christ's sake. Christopher Cross was an outlaw. You should see him written all over his face. Yeah, here comes Michael. All right, all right. He's got that bongo that he likes. That must have been his decision making process. Like, is that a cool kind of conga beat? I'm in. Yeah. All right. Grant Lee Phillips, everybody. Keep it up as we go out. What the hell? Thank you so much. For coming in. Always a good time. And of course, Allison Rosen and ball Brian and us in for being a good sport. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying mahalo. I like it when my boyfriend defecates on me.

[Giovanni (Podcast Host)]

All right, this Adam Krillo show 1022. Come up next, we have Adam Pearl show 1037. Also from 2013, featuring cousin Sal James, Baby Doll Dixie and David Wilde via phoner Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope you guys enjoy O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, O'Reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with O'Reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks since time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'REILLY. O'REILLY is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro, the power behind the podcast.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Plutofo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls.

[David Wilde]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more for Showtime's press. Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so effective on Pluto TV stream.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Now pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Alison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bald Brian. Well, all right. Exciting news. First off, David Wilde's gonna be calling in from Justin Timberlake's record release party.

[Allison Rosen]

He's so fancy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe he can hand off the phone to somebody. Coolio somebody.

[Dawson]

Is that exciting news? That's not that exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if he can hand the phone off to somebody that is exciting, then it's potentially exciting news. All right. Also, Cousin Sal coming out. Jimmy's cousin Sal. And James Baby Doll Dixon is going to be with him. So hopefully we'll get to the bottom of those guys. Cousin Sal, I'm going to. Cousin Sal is sort of the curator for the stories and the man show, and he took a lot of pictures and all that stuff. So we'll ask him about some good man show stories and also some. Some good Torture James Baby Doll Dixon stories, because it tortures him. He do stuff like runs into his hotel room. I mean, just imagine this. Runs into his hotel room at a nice hotel, takes everything that's in the mini bar and throws it out the window off the balcony. Now, it's the kind of thing where it's like you're pissed, you're laughing, but it's 428 bucks worth of stuff of Toblerone that just flew out the window. He does. I think he's thrown his cell phone out of the convertible a few times, but he'll do a thing where if they go out to eat and then Baby Doll always is paying because he has to pay. And if they go out to eat, they'll order like Neptune's Pyramid or something, which is like just a huge fresh catch of the day seafood thing that's for eight. And he'll order three of them and maybe send one over to another table. And it all just goes on the bill. He's ordered like, you know, filet mignon to go for everybody and that kind of stuff. They just keep bringing food to the table. It's funny because Baby Doll's rich, but I don't think he likes it that much. But there's a couple. We got it. Well, there's a good story where Jason Sudeikis or one of those guys from SNL came by while they were getting Neptune's pyramid, like the third one, and said something really funny. We got to remember to ask Cousin Sal about that. So we'll get to the bottom of that. Couple things. Malfi, my restaurant, this Wednesday for a live show. Come on out, have some Mangria. Friday, Saturday night, we're doing Phoenix Stand Up Live. We'll be doing a couple of shows. Those will be live podcasts. So come on out and check that out.

[Dawson]

Yes, not this Friday and Saturday you said just give the date.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, you're right. Yeah, the 5th and 6th of. Look down. Sorry, 5th and 6th of April, and we got that coming up.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Also,

[Adam Carolla]

Mangria got new, cheaper shipping prices, so it's easier to swallow for folks and look out because the white's coming soon, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

You're talking about Mangria, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, just taking it back. Whitey's taking it back. Yeah. And cousin Sal, it was funny. We had a Mangria meeting the other day and we said, you know, there's a lot of mix ups on shipping. People order three bottles and they get six bottles. People order six bottles, they get three bottles. And cousin Sal ordered three bottles and got six. And I said, well, if it's happened to, really the only person who I know who's ordered three bottles in this camp, it's probably happened. So there's a good chance if you order three bottles of Mangria, you may get. Get four and a half, five bottles,

[Dawson]

you may be specially selected for a bonus shipment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. But God bless Cousin Sal. He likes the Mangria. All right. Had a little movie night fun the other night, Friday night, stayed in with the kids and watched videos of just when they were 12 years old, me dancing with them and throwing them around in the pool and having some fun. And a video that came, completely forgot about was my boy Sonny. And he was sitting in his high chair. And I'm guessing Sonny was about 9 months, 10 months old at the time, maybe a year old. And we're watching Sesame street and there's a character called Action Jackson, which was also a movie from the 80s, by the way, with Carl Weathers in it. So it's a weird, weird thing. But anyway, interested young black boy confined to a wheelchair, but all the places he can go, oh, my God, he's black. He's black and he's in a wheelchair. Strike two. And there's all the places he can go in this wheelchair. And you know, it's Sesame street saying, look, whatever, you know, hand God dealt you, you can still go out and have a good time.

[Allison Rosen]

I still feel like naming him Action was not a good idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably not. Again, especially with the Carl Weathers 80s movie.

[Dawson]

But his first name is limited.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not funny. So I will show you the first 30 seconds and you guys can just listen to the song of the Sesame street song and check it out because the story will follow. Describe what you see. Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a claymation looking black child in a wheelchair that has like a pinwheel design. And he's going around the globe, I believe, followed by a dog on rollerblades rubbing his nose in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dawson]

This is what Sesame street has become. This is cgi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow. Where's the puppets?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, this is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, his dog can barely keep up with him.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's faster than she is. So all of us that are able bodied are PO'd now. All right, so it's a young black kid riding around in his wheelchairs. And I'm gonna now show you footage. You can go to AdamCarolla.com if you want to see this of what my son's reaction was when he saw this. And you have to stay with it. Cause there's a big crescendo at the end. Here it is. This is just a chair first. Just a look and sustain. He's not doing anything but looking at a TV set.

[Dawson]

Hand over the eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

He hates it. I got a young Klansman.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What does he react to? Like black or the disabled, evidently. Now it's funny because you'll see him calm down a little. But there's a big crescendo at the end. He's just rubbing his eyes. Tears are starting to drip down his cheeks. Now. He was cute, wasn't he?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, really cute.

[Dawson]

He's turning a corner. He's not pleased.

[Adam Carolla]

Now here's the big ending. It was like on cue, right? It's like I coached him up and then he gets picked up. All right, what are you. That's wearing me. That's my wife. I'm wearing me. I know you saw some mauve in there.

[Allison Rosen]

It was fashionable, tight pink sweatpants. And I thought. Or red. And I thought it was cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, No, I do the juicy couture, but only around the house. And red carpet. How insane is that video?

[Dawson]

You've mentioned that he's a world class puss. Maybe he was scared.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, he was. He was scared by the scared. But it's weird because here you are, you're watching people run around and big birds and guys who live in trash

[Allison Rosen]

cans and stuff, like that giant elephant like thing.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're seeing everyone of all the colors of the rainbow because it's Sesame Me Street.

[Allison Rosen]

There's Gordon.

[Adam Carolla]

Susan, you have to represent. Something about that wheelchair freaked him out. But anyway, it was funny. Anyway, mission accomplished.

[Allison Rosen]

What happens now? When he sees a black person or

[Adam Carolla]

a wheelchair, I physically have to restrain him. It's gotten that bad?

[Dawson]

The only thing I can theorize is that it is a little bit grotesque. And I mean that again, the true meaning of the word. It looks unnatural. I can see how maybe it would look straight CGI looks very cartoony and huge head. And also other than that, I can't figure out.

[Adam Carolla]

It's what you call a funny, semi happy, funny coincidence. Which is. Kids will have a song that just makes them cry. Like if they hear the theme, the first two notes of the Godfather, they'll just break down. Why? No reason. That's what they do. Something else is happening to this broadcast. Yeah. So every kid will have something that for some reason makes them cry. And when it's super ironic like this, then it makes it funny. Most of the time it's just probably the Pete Ellis Dodge theme song. But for now, in this particular instance, it stumbled onto something that was. That was funny.

[David Wilde]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Saw my first crane fly of the year yesterday and they hang out by my front. My front porch has the front light that's like right by the front door. It's like over the front door. And they hang and they sit there and then you get into this thing because if one of those things gets into your house, it's hard to take down. I mean they're the biggest, scariest, crappiest.

[Allison Rosen]

Those are the fist sized bugs that are like all leg and wing.

[Dawson]

They're kind of mosquitoes, they're kind of spiders.

[Adam Carolla]

And they can fly first off, they can lose two legs and half a wing and be fine.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they have spare appendages.

[Dawson]

Scary Starship Troopers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're scary. I don't know what they do. Everyone. There's a handful of insects that people try to explain to me are good insects, except for I never see them taking down a gang banger or even a cockroach. Like I say about spiders all the time, like, those are good. They eat the bad insects. One time, just one time, I want to walk into the kitchen, I want to flip on the light and I want to see a spider beating the shit out of a silverfish or a cockroach, in which case I'll go, alright, he's in this house for a reason. All he's doing is shooting the web all over the place and freaking me out. And he's on my fucking ceiling. Like, hey, Spider, you want to know where the bad insects are? They're not above my bed on the ceiling. At night when I turn on the light before I go to bed, they're down. And there's no greater.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't see them helping you make a dress like in Cinderella. Birds do that.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no. I know. Mice and birds. I mean, even vermin do it. According to Disney. One of my greatest moves is, I told you, the mattress needs to be high off the ground, like 33 and 38 inches or whatever it is in the book. If it gets too high, it becomes a bunk bed. If it's too low, it's a futon. Or in my mom's case, the whole time growing up, up. Mattress on floor. No box spring, no frame, just mattress on floor. Which is flophouse style. Flophouse style. So there's an optimal height, and that height's pretty high. There's the greatest dance in the world, which is, it's one o'. Clock. I've drank a bottle of Mangria. I'm going upstairs to go to bed. I got my buzz on. I flip on the light Spider directly above the bed, over where my head and Lynette's head is. And then I have to get up there in my socks and underpants and attempt to get the spider without waking Lynette up or falling over because the bed's high and it's got, like, the pillow top on it and the down comforter and everything.

[Allison Rosen]

Or falling on her. Right? Well, yeah, you're risking her a little bit, too.

[Adam Carolla]

There is a thing that I never do that other people do all the time, where they go like, what are you doing? And it's like, I just decided to get my socks and underpants and jump up on the bed before I'm doing something that is going to benefit both of us. I know it's aroused you, but if that fucking thing falls and I got a buzz going, if I don't grab that thing right and it lands on the bed, we're doomed. We're going to a fucking Ramada Inn, and we'll leave the kids alone with the spider. So I want to see the so called good insects kicking the ass of the so called bad insects. But I never see it. All I do is see them sitting by my front porch and. And then I become trapped in my own home like Lindsay Lohan. Because what happens is the light's on in, like, the entry hall. So what I do when Molly wants to go out and she's barking. I shut the light off inside the house so I can open the door so the thing's not attracted to the light. And then I get into this thing where like Lynette will come home and have Molly with her and the groceries and she'll fling the door, get, get, get in, in the house, in the house, shut the door while they got the groceries, leave the grocery, shut the door, put Molly away, put the groceries away, then go back out, shut the door, get the rest of the groceries, come back in, shut the door. Cuz if one of those fucking things gets inside of my house, that's it.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what happens then?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, couple problems I have. It's a. It's a rich white man problem. But my entry hall is like a split level. So when you come in you can go up, up 14, 18ft. Meaning there are places in that house I cannot get to. You crane fly. It is not like when you live in the apartment where it's just the eight foot ceiling with the bad acoustic cottage cheese on it. And there's no place really you can't get to with a flip flop.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

This.

[Adam Carolla]

They can go up above the front door.

[Allison Rosen]

You need a flip flop gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's called my left arm. I will start launching flip flops or pillows or throw pillows. They're called throw pillows. Yeah, I put the throw in pillow. I will launch it at the thing just to get the thing mobile again. But I can tell you there is nothing that is more alarming than this look. And I've had this many times. Sitting in my den, 12 o' clock at night, sipping on my Mangria, watching a little sports center, all the lights off, just illuminated by the big flat panel tv. And there comes the shadow of this thing lumbering across. And it's like you go, you go, oh shit, there it is. And you pop. You know, put drink down, pop up, turn the light on, it's gone. Door shut. It's in here somewhere. And then you just.

[Allison Rosen]

And then you hear the buzzing by your.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it gives you the flyby like Tom Cruise and Goose would do over there. Want some butts? And you then, then at a certain point you start looking around. And like you're looking, you know, I know it's fucking sitting somewhere.

[Allison Rosen]

Or you just start flapping.

[Adam Carolla]

Y just start throwing pillows around and shaking stuff, shaking curtains around. You wanna find it, but you kinda don't wanna find it. And then you go fuck it. And you shut the light again and you sit down again. And then 10 minutes later there Goes that fuckin Eerie ominous shadow by the front of the tv. All right, can we do something with these things?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they're good, actually. I don't know if these particular ones are considered the good ones.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone. Maybe it's just cause everyone's a dick, but every time I say I don't like something, they go, oh, well, that's the good. You know, it's kind of basically where you go, I like apples, but I don't really like the apple peel. That's the best part of that. Fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

You remember when people used to say the crust was the best part?

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone just tells you whatever part you don't like is the best part of anything.

[Dawson]

What if they lie to me and say that the crust was the healthiest part of the bread and like, isn't it just the burnt part that's closest to the heat?

[Allison Rosen]

And why do they care so much that everyone eats the crust?

[Dawson]

The crust is the healthiest part, it's burnt the most.

[Adam Carolla]

I will tell you this, it is something that I've discovered and we've talked about it a million times in our adult life. Can't I as an adult just say to somebody, no, thank you, I'm not interested, I prefer it this way or I don't want it that way. I have this happen all the time where I go, I just don't want to do this, or I'd prefer not to do that. And I get, whoa, where are you going? Come on, everyone's expecting. And you go, I just don't feel, I'm just. I don't want to go. What? Just come by and stay for 10 minutes and then you can. How about the fucking part where one adult gets to say another adult, not interested. And I've never said it to somebody where I go, come on. I mean, not unless you're trying to fuck them or get money out of them. When it's just, it's just a social thing. Why does them not doing something so it's paramount to you, it's so fucking important to you.

[Allison Rosen]

You could interpret it as flattering, like it's so important that you're there, but you know, but it's not that. It's more about just getting. It feels when you're on the receiving end of it, that it's more about just getting you to comply.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I do the Toyota Grand Prix thing and I was out in the Mojave Desert and there was only like four or five people there. It wasn't the whole cache of 18 stars or whatever it Was just me and Michelle Rodriguez and like three other people. And I jumped in the new car and I drove it. I drove like 20 laps in it. And it's Sunday. I, of course, worked all day Saturday and all day Saturday night. I was working Sunday night. I wanted to get home, have a couple little quality time, the family. I had a 90 minute drive back from the track, you know, so I drove a bunch of laps, and then I was like, all right, I got it. I'm gonna head back. I'll see you guys on Thursday. I'm like, where are you going? And I'm like, I got the car. I got the feel of the car. I drive a lot of different cars. I got, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

[Dawson]

What's.

[Adam Carolla]

We only been here for like two hours. I drove the car 25 laps. I got a good feel for the car and I understand how to drive. And I'm going, you did win last year. I did win last year. I can handle the car. And they're like, adam, where are you going? Why no hang out? And then I'm like. And then they go, just one more hour. And I'm like, I met everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Longest hour.

[Adam Carolla]

No one's even here. And they said, come on, just hang out. I said, okay. So I went back and I drove some more laps with Mark Steines from Entertainment Tonight or whatever. Had a nice time. I think you guys know Mark Steiner, so you'll find him. Anyway, had a nice time, drove the whatever. And I said, all right, now may I leave? And they're like, where are you going? Where are you going? And I'm like, you just got here three hours ago. I'm not trying to shortchange anybody. I've said hi to everyone here a thousand times. It's Sunday. I got a 90 minute drive back. Can you. Entertainment Tonight. Can you let me. Can I just. Can I go home? I gotta work tonight. I'm not trying to shortchange anybody. I'm just. I drove the car. I've done 50 laps. I'm fine. I'm perfectly comfortable. And then they go, all right, well, we're gonna have a meeting. We're gonna have, like a driver's meeting. And there's literally five people in the trailer. And it's a bunch of like, what can I expect at Long Beach? And. And what? A corner's like, what day do we qualify? I've done it all three times. So there's no, what day do we qualify? And then, you know, when do the pros start? And blah, blah, Blah. And there's nothing I haven't heard before. So I'm like, okay, thanks. And they go, well, Adam, you really should be in on. And then it's like. So I'm sitting in this meeting and like, Michelle Rodriguez is asking questions, which are fine for her because they're all. But not for me. You know, she's like, when we get there, do we get practice? Yes. Because everyone was pouting, well, where are you going? And I just thought, why is it so fucking important to everybody all the time? But listen, there's the children's hospital visit. That's important. There's media day. That's important. There's the race day. That's important. There's a bunch of important stuff. And then there's stuff where no one should give a flying fuck about. And then as I try to say to everybody, I'm not leaving anyone up a creek or in a lurch or in a ditch. It's just, I'm fine. I said, hi, we're comfortable. We're good. It's Sunday. Can I go home?

[Dawson]

Your first and only question should have been, has anything changed? And then the answer is no. He could have left.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just.

[Allison Rosen]

It's about the spirit of it, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Obviously, they're all great folks over there. It's just a question. Okay.

[Dawson]

Do you become friendly with the drivers who do it year? There's a few drivers year after year.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of camaraderie, and it's real fun. David Wilde is on line one. David Wild.

[David Wilde]

Hey, Adam, how you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. So you're at JT's, Justin Timberlake's record release party.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, he just left. And Ryan left a couple minutes earlier, but Ryan had a message for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, which Ryan?

[David Wilde]

Ryan Seacrest who was hosting the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, he was hosting. And I said, do you have any message for you? He said, please say hello, that he likes you. I'll say, loves you, but he said he likes you. But he goes, please tell Adam he's looking a little feminine lately and he should man up. This was from Ryan Seacrest. So take that in the spirit to which I imagine it was sent to you.

[Adam Carolla]

I am the. I'm the guy who's always arguing for how straight he is, because I've been at parties where he's trying to get laid on more than one occasion, and I just heard that he'd split up with Julianne Hough. Somebody tweeted that. Is that true? Do you know anything about that.

[David Wilde]

I heard it. I didn't ask him. I figured, well, did you see him

[Allison Rosen]

having sex with anyone else?

[David Wilde]

He did not hit on me or any of the other pretty women here. And he didn't flirt with Justin either. So I think you were right that he is straight.

[Adam Carolla]

Justin Timberlake would be on my short list of I'm trying to think. And now, I don't want to seem too arrogant here, but I would let him blow me. And I know the chances of that are less than 40%, maybe even 30.

[David Wilde]

I was going to ask, but I thought you might think it was presumptuous. But I will next time I see him. He did just give me advice on I'm going to Memphis this weekend with my kids and wife. And he told me. He gave me advice on where to go. So at least I got barbecue advice from Justin Timberlake. It makes me. My kids will think I'm hip for that moment.

[Adam Carolla]

He is one of those guys I don't begrudge a thing to because he's just a big ball of talent. Oh, yeah. Oh, he could run over elderly women all day long, and just as long as he could keep moving, it'd be fine. So, David, who else was over at this party? And how's the new album sound?

[David Wilde]

New alarm sounds great. I actually heard all of it. And then this thing was. This show is on tomorrow on the cw. You can see it if you missed it tonight. It's on 8 o' clock on the CW and it's sponsored by Target. So there's actually two songs are only on the Target version, and one of them is called Dress on. And I love that song. The whole album has been streaming for, like, on. On, I think on itunes for a while. And it's great. I mean. I mean, I'm a fan. I think the guy is a huge, huge talent. There were some stars. There were some stars here, like Emma Rossin and Emma Rossum.

[Adam Carolla]

And is it Rossi or is it Ross?

[Dawson]

Emmy Rossum.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Emmy. Ross.

[David Wilde]

Emmy Rossum. Yeah. Emmy Rossman from Shameless was here. Victoria Justice. I was backstage, so I didn't see the. Upstairs was all the stars. So maybe they're still here. I'll tell you next time. But it was a lot of contest winners. IHeartRadio contest winners. And the show should be pretty good. He did three new songs, and then once the TV camera. The cameras for the special went off, he did a medley of 10 minutes of all the senorita and all the other hits that no one will see. And that was great.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a question, you guys. Tell me what you think. Men have habits, a long standing tradition of beating off to women they formerly had sex with in high school and beyond.

[David Wilde]

I've heard about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. Women are not known to do that. As a matter of fact, I know for a fact that almost every woman I've been with physically, when my name comes up in front of her, she goes, ugh. Like they get to, oh, what was I thinking? There's a lot of women do the what was I think? And guys do the I wish I'd hit that one more time, but it's okay, I'm going to hit it in the shower alone. So you should know, Allison Rosen, that whatever guy you were with, if you were with him 10 times, go ahead and double that number in his mind. In his mind.

[Dawson]

Because actually it's inversely proportional. If you've been with him once or twice, you've been with him 25 times.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You've been with someone a thousand times, make it a thousand and one. But if you've been with them once, go ahead and add five zeros behind that.

[Allison Rosen]

But you're right, conversely, because when I think of guys from my past, I do always have that, like, ugh. And then I think, why? There actually wasn't anything wrong with them. But still.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright now, so that's how guys work. That's how women work. But now you have Justin Timberlake in your rear view mirror as a woman. Now you guys know who I'm talking about here.

[Allison Rosen]

He's behind you.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a Britney Spears tall, you're Britney Spears. And you go from him to like a fat Kevin Federline or something. Are you? And then it continues to go downhill. Are you flicking that bean just a couple of times to the kid that could move like that? You know what I mean? I mean, wouldn't you?

[Dawson]

Gutterline was a backup dancer.

[Adam Carolla]

He can move. I'm just saying. Let's ask the only woman in the room. Brian, what would you like to know? So, Alison, if you were with Justin Timberlake for like three years, I mean, obviously the man's beautiful, one of the most talented people on the planet, moves incredibly. Would you recreate that through the magic of masturbation?

[Allison Rosen]

Are you asking just in general or as opposed to Kevin Federer giving Kevin fetter?

[Adam Carolla]

No, you. I'm asking you.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, me?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sure, yeah. Okay, good. Same question. David?

[David Wilde]

Yeah, I think of Justin at all times. Just that he's that charismatic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just wondering how many guys do the. Do that. It'd be fun to find out what your number is. Hey, David Wilde, give out your Twitter account, please.

[David Wilde]

What about it?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is it wild about music? What do I have?

[David Wilde]

It is wild about music. And if you have any people of either gender who were imagining fantasizing about Justin, I sent a bunch of pictures today, so. At wild about music, and I'm still behind Rick Springfield. God damn him.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll take him down. Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it. All right, new windbreaker for the fellas. All right. Last windbreaker was the water displacement windbreaker.

[Allison Rosen]

Penis size, you take.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We take a flat piece of sheet aluminum, we cut a hole in it, we put a graduated cylinder filled with water under it. Every guy gets to prepare any way he wants, and we see how much water he displaces. We figured out that there's probably, I don't know, 100, 125 million guys over the age of 18. And you get a windbreaker and you get a ranking. It's not a size. It's not what size you were or how much you displaced. It's what, number, volume. Volume. But there's number one. And then it goes all the way down to, you know, 114 million or whatever. However adult males are, there's that windbreaker. I would also like the windbreaker of the guy who was most masturbated to. Oh, that's a pretty fucking good windbreaker.

[Dawson]

I think it'll be a lot of ties for last.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in that case, the tiebreaker will be your ranking with the water displacement penis thing.

[Dawson]

Nice. It's an algorithm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, obviously, it's gotta be a Brad Pitt type because you gotta, you know, you gotta be a lot of posters hanging over young girls bedrooms and things like that.

[Allison Rosen]

I had a shirtless River Phoenix hanging on my wall.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Like, you have to have. You have to come in post or form, pardon the pun, and hang out in girls, you know? And it might surprise you. The biggest joke would probably be Ricky Martin would probably be top 25.

[Dawson]

How many gay men are in the top 25?

[Allison Rosen]

At least a lot. A lot. Because girls go through that phase where their first crush is sort of an effeminate. Like, I liked Michael Jackson a lot.

[Dawson]

That's fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, you don't even know. Yeah, you don't know Ricky Martin's gay until 20 years on George Michael.

[David Wilde]

Oh, fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

I beat off to that guy.

[Dawson]

You're not alone. I mean, you're alone.

[Adam Carolla]

Shit, I said too much. All right. So imagine that fucking windbreaker.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

That's pretty hot. I like that. All right, let's get to work on both those windbreakers. The water displacement 1 and the male who was most beat off too. Good news, cousin sales. Sal Iacono coming in, many questions to ask Cousin Sal. Yeah, they're here. I'll tell you what then. Let's take a quick break. Let's bring in cousin Sal. Cousin Sal. Sal Icanno in studio. James Baby doll Dixon, our agent, is here as well. Let's see, so many where to begin. Sal, by the way, is here for fight club.com Marchman is fantastic fantasy competition. It's interesting. I was talking to Gary Haftart about it on the phone, but you explain how this works.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Well, here it is. I mean, I know you don't like fantasy sports in general, right? You call it. What do you call it?

[Adam Carolla]

Fairy tale. Football Fairy tale. It's more demeaning.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Yeah, but there are some good things about it. And the best thing about Fight club is it's one day and you're out. And then you start over the next day. Or if you want or you don't, you don't have to deal with the season long, keeping up with injuries, having some knucklehead friend try to trade, rip you off in a trade. Five for one, it's you against a stranger. You put anywhere from $2 to 500 up, you pick your five best players that are. That are on the court that day, and he'll pick his five best. And then whoever wins, wins. And it's great. It's the purest form of fantasy. And it's totally legal now.

[Adam Carolla]

The first time I met cousin Sal, he picked me up in his mom's car from the airport and couldn't find his way from the airport back to his house. True or false?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

We were talking about this just yesterday. Jimmy and I were. And the worst part is you were coming off like a ten hour flight, right? Was it Tower Air?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we flew. All right, KROQ because it's radio, flew us. Tower Air, which is such a fine airline, it doesn't exist anymore. It didn't have its own terminal. So you had to take a bus that was pulled by a donkey. It didn't even have an engine in it. 2. And you'd get out of the bus and you'd get. Actually, if we just stayed on the bus and went to New York, it would have only taken about a half hour longer. I did the math. So of course, traveling with Jimmy, we had to get there three days before the fucking flight. So I was like 31, had never been on an airplane before because I'm a Corolla. So I was sort of nervous about flying. Jimmy and I got there like two hours early. And then we sat on the bus and then we sat on the plane. And what tower air's business model was, they would take 747s and gut them and just put lawn furniture. They would just put. Everything was coach. And I remember just going, I remember thinking while we were sitting there, I thought, this is a 747 with like 585 people on it. And I thought, if this plane crashes, it will be the greatest air disaster ever. Because you've never seen this many people on one plane.

[Dawson]

That's what you're thinking on your first flight?

[Adam Carolla]

That's my first flight. And then secondly, like the bathrooms would just start overflowing because there was like. It's not meant to have 500 people on a plane.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

What do you mean? It's three by three by how big?

[Adam Carolla]

What they would do is they would just take the whole first class and business class out completely and then fill them with coach size seats. So instead of a 747 carrying 300, they'd get like another 150 people on this plane. And it was horrible. And of course the people were worse than the plane. And I didn't even have earbuds or Sports Illustrated. I just came prepared to sit and talk Jimmy's ear off. But our journey was about 10 hours long because the flight was 6. Plus the bus ride, the wait and everything else.

[Giovanni (Podcast Host)]

Well, it's also.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

I'm sorry to cut you off. One of those airlines where they don't have clearance to land. Right. Doesn't everyone else have to land before them?

[Adam Carolla]

And then if.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

If there's a hiccup, they can get

[Allison Rosen]

in sometimes they never land.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We were praying for a bird strike so we could put it down in the Hudson at a certain point. So finally we land and here comes cousin Sal and his mom's station wagon or whatever he's driving to come pick us up. And I'm like, this odyssey's over for me. I want to get to cousin Sal's house and crash. And cousin Sal couldn't find his way from the airport back to was the house he grew up in.

[Allison Rosen]

You have a terrible sense of direction.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Yeah, it was pretty bad back then. Yeah. But I will say half the. I figured out how to get. I love the story more than anything. So I'm like, wow. If I could prolong their agony, put the windows up and fart.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a lot of farting.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Add another 45 hours to this.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when I went to cousin Sal's house, we were in Long Island. Where were we? I went to the auxiliary room bed, sort of the laundry room bed. It was a bed, but it was more of a platform for, like a hamper platform. Like if you were putting dirty clothes on display, like if you were a museum for filthy clothes, that's what it would. They would use that as a pedestal. So it all gathered. So I had to move all of the dirty clothes, but there was a lot of sand on the bed because evidently some of those clothes have been worn to the beach. And then I just covered myself in blankets and dirty clothes and went to bed. And at some point, Sal's crazy mom dove on me. The following morning, she literally dove on me.

[Bald Brian]

Jimmy.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy. I was out of a sitcom. I had the blanket and everything over my head. She just dove on top of me.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

But then she broke your glasses. So you take the good with the bad.

[Adam Carolla]

She broke my glasses. I kept them because I was still gonna just do the one arm move. And then at some point, she threw it away.

[Allison Rosen]

She broke them from diving on you?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if she squeezed something out of me, but the glasses broke and she threw them away. And that's all I remember. Then the next time I slept, your buddy Cow molested me in my sleep. I don't know how to explain Cow. It's tough to explain, but it was another one of those. I went to bed at 3, and at 6:30 in the morning, he was doing this Gucci. Gucci goo thing on my feet. And, you know, I'm not what you call uptight, but I was like, I don't know you at all. So this is very strange and somewhat homoerotic.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

I would to college, upstate New York, a place called Oswego. And there was a power plant right there, nuclear power plant. And Cal grew up, like, right underneath the power plant. And back then, it was so inbred,

[Adam Carolla]

he didn't go to school there.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't think for a second he went to school.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Not a lick of school, but he would. They would call them ibs, short for incest babies. And Cal was just about. He was an ib And. And he had many extra chromosomes. And he would, like, tickling people's feet in the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank goodness that he was heavily into gambling, because the only way out of that life was through heavy Gambling.

[Allison Rosen]

That's how Ibbs make good.

[Adam Carolla]

He'd do a weird Gucci Gucci goo thing and then do a sort of a Fred Flintstone before he bowled that kind of move where he twinkled toes kind of move. I was like, it was six in the morning. Gucci Gucci goo. And I was. And then he'd do this sort of backhand cheek drag thing and I was like. It was like the guy from the Hills have Eyes came down to fuck with you while you're trying to sleep.

[Allison Rosen]

Scary.

[Adam Carolla]

It was weird. I think I was maybe in your sister's room or something at that point. My feet were hanging nine inches out of the end of the bed. And he found me and said it was time to rouse this guy. He didn't know.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Right. He accused you of having.

[Allison Rosen]

Is he having a prank on you or is that just how he shows that he's interested in playing?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

His head's not straight. He was accusing you of having a sleeping disorder. You had slept for like four hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was the world's worst drill sergeant. So it was also the guy. And so he didn't feel comfortable in New York. He was from the sticks, you know, cow, cow needed to be in a pasture somewhere fishing or playing Three Card Monte. But he did not like being in the city. It kind of freaked him out in a little kind of a Rain man kind of way, you know? And it was kind of like Shrek meets Rain Man. Picture big gargantuan guy meets Rain Man.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

You're being nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I was. I think Sal was there, me and Jimmy were there. We're in New York.

[Dawson]

Rain track.

[Adam Carolla]

Rain Track. And I was there and I didn't have anything to do. Jimmy had to do the sports because Kevin and Bean were in town and we're doing the thing. We used to come in town once a year for the MTV Music Awards. And so I was dispatched to go down to whatever station, Penn Station, and pick him up at Charlie O's. And this story contains almost everything I love about life, which is, I was told, look, he's going to be at Charlie O's at 11am and he's coming in from Oswego and he's going to to be freaked out. And if you don't find him, he's literally going to have a panic attack or something. So you make sure you're at Charlie oh's at five minutes to 11. His train comes in, right at 11. He's going straight to Charlie O's. You'll grab him, collect him and bring him back to the radio station. I said, I'll be there. So I go down to Penn station, and I'm standing at Charlie O's up on the ground floor there. There's Charlie Ohs. And I'm just standing there and standing there, and eventually I say to a cop and, like, a security guy, I was supposed to meet a guy here at Charlie O's and someone who worked there. I said, I'm supposed to meet someone here. Have you seen a guy who's built like sort of if the incredible Hulk had a learning disability? It's just a little Asperger dressed the same. I'm looking for that guy, and there's like, nobody like that here. And I even said, is there another Charlie O's somewhere? No, this is it. And I was like, well, all right. And hour went by, and I started to freak out because Sal's marching orders were, if you don't find this guy, he may go on.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

No one will.

[Adam Carolla]

No one will. Like, he's going to freak out and throw himself on the tracks. And I went down to the basement. I found the port authority office. I went in. I said, it was out of a movie. I said, listen, I'm looking for a guy. You guys have to put an APB out on a guy because he's freaked out, and he's walking around and he's. And they go, well, give us a description of the guy. And I was like, he looks like a manatee with a gambling problem. And I looked up and I saw him walking, and I said, he looks like it was like a sitcom. I said, him. And I went, forget it.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

I got it.

[Adam Carolla]

And I ran over. There's another Charlie O's in the basement. There's two Charlie O's.

[Allison Rosen]

That's poor planning.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but why doesn't the one person who works at the Charlie O's that somewhere around the fifth time I go, I'm supposed to meet a guy here at the Charlie O's.

[Allison Rosen]

You think it would happen to them every minute of every day?

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you playing so close to the vest with your Charlie O placement? Like, what are the chances I may go down to your other franchise and buy a blooming onion or something down there? Like, why don't you just tell me there's another Charlie O's? I'm like, I'm real. I'm supposed to meet a guy. Are you sure you've not said tom Charlie O's? Penn Station. And, like, the cops, Like, I don't know what Can I do. I was like, the fuck wouldn't you share that information?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So cousin Sal also. Well, a lot of good stuff. He gave Jeff Ross a good story. Would you like to get into the Jeff Ross story?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The Dancing with the Stars people say

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

you're to blame for that escalating to another level, but really? Yeah, because it happened on your show where he really got mad at me, but I guess he was mad at me, but. All right, so Jeff Ross is on Dancing with the Stars. And he's on. He's on for one week, and he has the lowest combined score from the three judges ever in the history of the show. But he thinks he's the greatest. And on top of all this, he gets poked in the eye to the point where he has to go out and do his last show with a. With an eye patch on. And it's just a joke from the beginning.

[Adam Carolla]

So he's fallen in love with his partner, too.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Who was it, Eddie?

[David Wilde]

Edda.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Edda, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Editor. Yeah.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

She was nice, but she. So, okay, as the lowest score. And now's the toss off night. And I send him because. Okay, so now here's the thing on Jimmy Kimmel Live, we have the person voted off on the show immediately after Dancing with the Stars. So I text Jeff saying, you're safe. And I don't know that he's safe. I think he's probably gonna be voted off with the lowest combined score ever in the history of the show. And he's like, are you sure? And I write, yes, even taking a picture of it. So he goes and tells, editor, we're safe. We're doing good. So now they, you know, they build the drama. They have it down to him, the bottom two. It's Jeff and Kim Kardashian.

[Adam Carolla]

And you don't. When you're standing up there, you have. You really have no idea whether you won or lost or getting kicked off. They won't tell you anything. And there's no. Like, everyone knows before the show. It's not one of those.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't feel that you bombed.

[Adam Carolla]

Not one of those. It doesn't matter how badly you bombed. Whoever's standing next to you bombed, too, because they wouldn't be with you that early on. And it's not all based on who got the scores or whatever. So when you get a word like this, you're probably feeling pretty good about yourself.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fun to watch his face change.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Right? And it shows.

[Adam Carolla]

It shows on tv.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

He couldn't have been happier to be in the Bottom two. And he's like, he's even nudging his partner. He's like, we're good, don't worry, we're good, we're good. And then leaving us this week, Jeff and editor, and like you said, his face just drops and he has nothing. I mean, if he had. That's the thing with Jeff. If he. If he knew he was getting voted off, he would have 40 hacking lines prepared.

[Adam Carolla]

And he had nothing but a stunned face.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

And the credits are rolling and that's the end of Jeff. So. And then I text him back, I'm like, sorry, dude, I fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

But Jeff. Jeff's very. He's way more sensitive than the roastmaster should ever be. Right. It's a weird inverse thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, his personality, when he comes in here, he seems like a really sweet, soft spoken guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Super sweet and super thin skinned. And he was upset if cousins were very upset.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

And he said the difference. Cause we pointed that out. You're the roast master general. Can't he take a joke? And he's like, we're sorry. Supposed to be friends. That's outside the code. And this. And I violated this code and that one. So we go on Adam's show, we call in. You had us both call in. And I think you posed the question to me, like, all right, are you sorry? Would you ever do it again? Given the chance? And I wasn't gonna be like these guys who apologized just to apologize, like, yeah, I think I would do it again.

[Adam Carolla]

It was pretty funny and we got a good story out of it. And by the way, you didn't prevent him or encourage him to get tossed off. He was going one way or the other. I mean, there's a certain bottom line, which is he was leaving that night. Whether you told him he was leaving or not.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Oh, in his head, he had changed it like that. I got him voted off. He was going to be. He was going to win the glitter ball for him, for me.

[Allison Rosen]

Is he still mad?

[Adam Carolla]

It's called the outline, but anyway, yeah.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

So then months later, we've had a football Sunday at Jimmy's. He cooks and everything, cooks up a storm. Dawson used to be invited to that,

[Adam Carolla]

but then that was a wildly uncomfortable moment. Jimmy, that was wildly uncomfortable, kicked Dawson. He banned him from coming to the football. I thought it was a joke. Well, that's where it got really uncomfortable. Because then when the mics got cold, he said, all right, but Jimmy, that was just for the radio. And Jimmy said, no. And then for real, wow, this is horrible. I Emailed Jimmy and said, so I'll see you Sunday.

[Dawson]

Right?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

You've seen some of the horrible emails that comes out of that man. Oh, yeah. He tore me apart.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

What did he say?

[Adam Carolla]

What was the rationale? Well, honestly, I know what the rationale for him getting rid of me was. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't my scene. Well, your Chargers were on a bye week and you wanted to know why they were. Well, that, that was what was called. But, you know, if he really wanted to clean the herd, I was definitely in the top 1% of the people who needed to get the out of there.

[Allison Rosen]

You were the think it was because of the cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

The cheese again is a pizza cheese that is standard across the nation. They use Monterey. He put the wrong cheese in a calzone and that's. I don't like ricotta. Okay. That's what I said. Well, tell that to your 13 inch black and white Zenith every Sunday. Every, every Sunday. Just you and your family. So he didn't know his team was. We didn't know his team was on a bye week. Unacceptable. He put the wrong cheese and a calzone and he was basically Jeff Ross something else situation with Dancing with the Stars already. He was on the way out anyway and this just hurried him. This ushered him out a little faster.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

You also claimed you make the best chili or something or the stew, but you had to pay four guys in to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, those were other friends of mine from Boston.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Yeah, right. But you said, I'm gonna make this for you, but I need these guys.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I offered. Don't argue with Jimmy about chili. It wasn't chili. It was Boston clam Chow down.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's more of a puncher, Sal, you or Jimmy?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

I think Jimmy likes it more.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Jimmy likes it more. But Sal becomes sort of his henchmen. Like Sal maybe does a little of his bidding. Yeah, you know, Jimmy's pretty busy now.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, Sal tortures Baby Doll Jimmy. Well, give some of the. What was when you ordered Neptune's pyramid of seafood one and was there Jason Sudeikis one there? I can't remember telling me about what line he said that made me love Jason Sudeikis.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

I would order. The great thing about Baby Doll, which we don't get anymore is he would take. He would pay for all the meals. It was understood in the beginning of the meal he's going to pay, but he's also taken smoke breaks. Six, ten smoke breaks throughout the meal. So you can get the waiter's ear and say, hey, we're going to order more of this. And he's only there half the time to say, bullshit. We're not getting another fucking seafood tower. So I ended up ordering three seafood towers. I don't even remember where it was. The Sunset platform.

[Adam Carolla]

It was at Sunset that tow.

[David Wilde]

Is that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And Jason Sudeikis comes over a really expensive restaurant. They were about, what, 80 bucks per tower?

[Dawson]

A lot.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

And Jason Zedeikis comes by our tables like Jesus Christ. Even Al Qaeda knew to stop at two towers.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

But he doesn't smoke anymore, so it's going to be tough to. To slip these in.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll smoke my electronics outside. I was talking about cleaning out his mini barn, chucking it out the window. Sounded like fun. I'm trying to think. Did you chuck his cell phone out of the convertible?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

What happened? We were late to San Diego. I forgot there was some story. The three of us were driving to San Diego.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to get directions.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

You're trying to get directions?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh yeah. That's when Sal checked.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to get directions. And he checked the phone.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

He's screaming at the concierge and then apologizing. Screaming at me, apologizing at the concierge. That was a wild ride.

[David Wilde]

Do you.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have any. And Sal was kind of the curator over at the man show. He took a lot of the pictures. He remembers all the good stories. Me peeing in the coffee pot. But that was only in retribution to you guys shitting up the bathroom all the time. Any man show stories come to mind.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

We would pee that bathroom. That was disgusting. I mean, it would be like a rainforest. After a while the pests would come from the city.

[Adam Carolla]

It was horrible.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

They didn't even care. But I'm trying to think.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you even try to get it in the toilet?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

No. After a while it was shameful to get any in the toilet.

[Adam Carolla]

Sal and a guy, gentleman by the name of Brad would just shit it up royally. And that's my whole shitting at the workplace policy. Just get on. I give my employees two weeks to get their system online and then they shit at home and then they come into work. Why are you coming? There's a lot of people come into work and take a shit.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the weirdest thing, by the way. I think there's not a boss in the land that if you said, look, we're going to strike a deal, I either show up at 9 Loaded for bear With a cup of coffee in my hand. Or I Show up at 9:20 shitless. Now what's it going to be? I think every boss in America would be, let's call it 9:30 and play it safe. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe Matt the porcelain punisher. Fondeliers doing that. Let's play Sal his song. You have Matt's. What is it, Matt? Matt does nothing but shit. It's like I literally pay him to shit. I don't even know what he does. What's he eating? What isn't he eating?

[Allison Rosen]

He has a nervous stomach.

[Adam Carolla]

He never stops shitting. And I know he never stops shitting because I have my. I have everybody trained over here, which is door shut, someone's in the bathroom. Door open, come on in. Door sh. Or a jar. Enter at your own risk.

[Allison Rosen]

You know who always fucks this up? The female companion of guests. I always know that. I can smell the perfume when I'm trying to figure out.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't know the protocol. They don't know the ass protocol. But every time I show up at the shop, the doors open 7 inches and the fart fan's going. And that means Matt was in there. I'm like, how often can you shit in one workday? But let's hear the song, you know? Anyway, I think you guys will probably enjoy this Rich Banks number. Someone's in the bathroom. Can only be one man. He's the one who's always in there Demolishing the can pets around his ankles, stinking up the place. Buys his TP at Costco. Need to buy the case. Funnel is on the crabber. You can hear him through the door. Don't go in after. He's in there shitting. He's in there shitting up the. Great dick bangs. All right.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

You took one of the worst songs of the last 50 years and made it.

[Dawson]

Made it like.

[Adam Carolla]

Made it one of the greatest songs ever.

[Allison Rosen]

It looks like Matt wants to say something.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt, I got nothing to say. I'm just glad to be part of the team, you know? Yes, Brian.

[Dawson]

As long as Dixon's making a rare in studio appearance, can I get him to corrupt a story about having a phone conversation with Jack Silver about the possibility of peanut butter in the studio when we started?

[Adam Carolla]

Baby Doll is not a radio. He's not a radio agent. He's a television theatrical. He's a super agent, but thank you. He doesn't slum it in radio, but he had to with me. And I said to him, be careful, Baby Doll. I mean, just be forewarned. Going into this. This is not. Not Jon Stewart and Comedy Central. This is a different breed, and they don't treat talent like talent. You did warn me, although we were hardly slumming it on that deal. No, it was a great deal. But I showed up. I showed up. When I showed up for Kevin and Bean, the first day I saw, you know, back in the mid-90s, I saw Bean's car parked out on the street, and Kevin's car was parked in the underground parking lot. And I just said to him, bean, what do you. You pull up here, it's dark. It's 4:45 in the morning, and you're like a celebrity. You're getting out of your car and just walking down this dark street. It's parked way down the street because there's a bunch of apartment buildings and stuff. And he said, I don't want to pay the 30 bucks a month. And I said, they don't give you a parking space underneath the building. You guys are the morning show. You're the jewel in the crown of the station. One of the biggest stations in America. You're the morning just for security. Just to pull in a secured parking lot and get in the elevator. Nah, they charge, and I don't want to pay. And I thought, wow, that's when I knew. And then Tower air came along. But the peanut butter story with Jack Silver.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a random call from Jumping Jack as we called him. He called you, actually. Yeah, he called me and said, hey,

[Dawson]

I'm not quite sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, we're gonna have to start charging Adam for the peanut butter. I said, what peanut butter? Like, I. I didn't even know what he was talking about. He's like, well, you know, he's charging the show for the peanut butter, and they go through a lot of peanut butter. Go through a jar of Skippy every 16 days. I'm like, am I being punked? Like, I didn't understand what he was talking. Imagine in TV that happening. I honestly like someone from Comedy Central calling up and saying, Jon Stewart's going through too much peanut butter.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I couldn't imagine. So I wound up saying, I'm like, jack, I'll give you the goddamn five bucks a month. Is that what it is? Five bucks a month for two jars of peanut butter? Like, you can take it out. It could have been $6.25. To be fair to Jack, it was. Welcome to radio. Yes. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

So what ended up happening?

[Adam Carolla]

I can't remember.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Who is allergic to penis?

[Adam Carolla]

Jackman Came out on of top. That's right. Once again, radio was sort of about sending a message, which was always, you're not that important. But the message I always got was, you're an asshole. Like, whenever someone tries to send me a message, I never get their message. Other than you're being a dick. The message sending doesn't work. They do a lot of symbolic, like, here's the message we're sending. But the message I always get is, I don't ever want to fucking work with your ass again. That's the message I get from them. So. So for all those who are attempting to send a message, it's not all about the message. You gotta check the antenna of the person you're sending it to and make sure they'll receive your message clearly. All right. Shall we do a little news?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a minute. Quickly, just to make sure. Cousin Sal, the whole Christoph Waltz thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is there any hyperbole or exaggeration when I say I wanted to be bet some money on Christoph Waltz?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Have you spoken to Nick Santora about this? Because I do feel like he owes you something here. He's the one who stepped in behind.

[Adam Carolla]

I have. And he literally sat next to you. He was literally sitting next to you drunk on Mangria.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, thousand bucks on Christoph Waltz. And he's like, don't do it. And for those who don't know, Nick is one of the. You know, he's a guy on a real short list where if he told you not to do something, you'd go, this guy's a 4 attorney and, I don't know, prosecutor, and he's written a thousand crime novels. Like, he must know something, and he does know almost everything. So you listen to him. But God damn it. Christoph Waltz, who went from 20 to one to, he was a great bet. Fucking number one. By the time the Academy Awards came around, he was number one.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

You really stepped up. That was your crowning achievement. I mean, after being on the wrong side of the Patriots for the last decade.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my new business is getting Patriots fans to pay me not to bet on them.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I'm wondering? When people tell someone not to do something, does the person ever appreciate it? Like, do you ever hear a thank you so much for warning me not to do that thing when it comes down to, like, don't date that person. Don't really.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think I would have thanked him, but I did yell at him, but thank God he'd had some sort of bowel problem and was a complete and utter mess when I was talking to him.

[Allison Rosen]

He also has.

[Adam Carolla]

He has something going. He has. He said he's never stopped shitting, and he'd lost 30 pounds, and he was miserable, and he drank a can of insure, and he couldn't eat a piece of pizza, and it was like. So he was equally as miserable when I spoke to him. All right, shall we do some news?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And when.

[Adam Carolla]

When it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt. It's Allison.

[Dawson]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, we're enjoying some of the white mangria, the peach pear, which should be out in the next couple of weeks or so. So I think we're gonna be doing pre orders for that. Dude, are you gay? Real soon? I kinda am with this stuff. I really like this. Fantastic. It really is good.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

It is. Lynette does a good impression of you.

[Adam Carolla]

He's so hooked on it.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

I hear him upstairs, click, clink, click, clink, click, clink. Opening another bottle.

[Adam Carolla]

I sound like Dean Martin walking out to go fuck one of the gold diggers. When I come upstairs, I got the snifter going with the cubes rocking in there, and I come in and I say goodnight to the kids, and they hear the clanking. I'm like a dog hearing a can opener. You know, when I hear the rattling of the rocks, I get excited.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Come walking up. Pavlovian. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, do you see this as, like, a seasonal thing or depending on what

[Adam Carolla]

you're eating, I figured out first off, well, first off, booze is such a better business than books, because right when I was telling Mike August, we were in, like, Milwaukee, sitting in a fucking airport or something, and I was telling Mike, booze, that's what you do. It's the same. Price is a book, it's 15 bucks or whatever a hardcover is. And people buy my book, and they just hand it out to their friends and family. Got one book that's read by 11 people, and you buy a bottle of booze, you drink it, you can send it to a friend, but then you got to buy yourself another bottle. So I said, that's a business, right? Then a woman walked up to me and said, I loved your book so much. I sent it to my sister in Cincinnati. And I was like, that's exactly what I'm talking about. You can't do with booze. I figured out that women all drink that Pinot Grigio. They all drink the Pinot Grigio because they want to catch a buzz. But they don't want to stain their teeth but.

[Allison Rosen]

Or their lips because you get that redness.

[Adam Carolla]

They want to do the lips lighter, less calories and.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They want to catch buzz. They don't want to stain their mouth around and yeah, they don't want to drink. They don't like the taste of beer or like a wine that might be a little bit, you know, full bodied or something. So it's sweet. So I said, let's give them what they want. Give them more booze, a little better taste, and so be it. And if that makes me gay, I'll suck a cock. But you know what? I'll use the cock as a swizzle stick to stir some more of my peach pear mangria.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, don't you do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll drink it through the cocktail.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you do that to prove you're not gay. That's how not gay you are.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It's like me being hot but not knowing it. That's what makes me hot.

[Allison Rosen]

So a story out of Florida. A college student had plans to shoot up the campus, but he didn't. He shot himself instead.

[Adam Carolla]

Hero. And how many times do I say all the people that are gonna go on a killing spree and then kill themselves, kill yourself now, do it first. Yeah, exactly. School was it.

[Allison Rosen]

It was University of Central Florida. Fine minds have not come out of there.

[Adam Carolla]

Shocked that something like this would come out of Florida. I know that is not the state. That is not the Florida I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Now here's.

[Adam Carolla]

But his roommate called 911.

[Allison Rosen]

He pulled a gun on his roommate. And then his roommate hid in a bathroom and called 911. And then he, the guy who ultimately shot himself pulled the fire alarm. And people think that the plan was to get everyone into an open space where he could then shoot them, but instead he shot himself. And the law enforcement is sort of taking responsibility. They said, we think the rapid response of law enforcement may have changed his ability to think quickly on his feet. And I feel like. Are you so sure that you can claim this one as yours?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think so.

[Grant Lee Phillips]

They.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what the timeline was, but I'll bet this guy knew the cops were coming and so he just ate a bullet, but good.

[Allison Rosen]

And then they found various plans and things in his room. And that's how they know that he had. Well, I mean, they found the weapons. He had two guns, hundreds of rounds of ammunition, a backpack filled with explosives. I think he had started purchasing the stuff around February. Someone, they found plans.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone tweeted me my idea. We were talking about the other day where. Where I just get the parents of all these people and we just put them up, you know, sort of Maury Povich, Geraldo style up on stage. And I go, what the fuck? Your fucking kid was. Will fill in the blank. You know, whether he's one of the guys who was raping the drunken cheerleader and the stupid film. Yeah, wherever. Or he was the guy who was amassing all the firearms and ready to go on a killing spree. Or maybe he did go on a kill spree. I just want to get the fucking parents go, what the fuck? Like, nice job. Really? What'd you do here? Nature and nurture.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

And they'd say he died doing what he loved.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Eating bullets. Yeah, that's my thing. I always feel like they don't like it. Like when that parachute's not opening. They're not in love with it. Not at that point. They don't like skydiving or they're being eaten by the bear, you know, at that point. Not what they love. Hard, hard, hard to still be in love with something while you're being, you know, consumed or hitting the pavement at 180 miles an hour.

[Allison Rosen]

And also, out of Florida, a mother was arrested because she called 911 and. Well, we actually, we have the call.

[Adam Carolla]

I need a police officer because he has a kid.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry, you can't.

[Dawson]

Excuse me.

[Allison Rosen]

They're not listening to me.

[David Wilde]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

And they need to learn respect. And they need to learn that people in law enforcement and otherwise are to have authority. They need to learn that lesson. We don't come out and scare kids.

[Allison Rosen]

So she wanted them to come out and scare the shit out of her kids, which is not a service they provide.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, it isn't. Yeah, we're looking at her. Definitely not a Jew.

[Allison Rosen]

But then they did come out. That's the part that's confusing to me. So they, police officers did go there anyway, and they found her drunk, and then she kicked an officer in the crotch a bunch of times. And so she was charged with child neglect, battery of an officer, resisting an officer without violence, and three counts of probation violation. Other than that, she's a wonderful.

[Adam Carolla]

Does she have two black eyes or is that just the way she rolls? Is that runny mascara?

[Allison Rosen]

Is that her Makeup.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, runny mascara.

[Allison Rosen]

She almost looks like someone. And for people who, who want to see the photo, it'll [e-mail] she was hot at some point in her life, like recently perhaps.

[Adam Carolla]

Well that's kind of the problem with the formerly hot. They still think they can do it, you know what I mean? They have a certain expectation out of life. It's sort of. This used to happen all the time when I'd do Loveline. Some chick would call in, she'd be telling an endless boring story. Not funny, not interesting, not entertaining at all. And at a certain point I would stop and I'd go, are you hot? And she'd go well people tell me I am and I'd go that's why you can't edit yourself because hot chicks, the way you can tell that, you can tell over the phone because fat chicks edit themselves. They're on a pretty short leash when it comes to stories. When fat chicks start spinning a yarn, people are like, let's get to it, come on Chevy, cut to the chase. I've been smiling like four seconds here, let's go. Good looking chicks can just talk and talk and talk, but when they're on the phone and you're not looking at them, that's when you realize, wait a minute, they don't, they're in that mode. And no one has ever said to them. Like no one ever says to a hot 17 year old blonde when she's waxing on, all right, get to it would you sweetie, you're boring the shit out of me. They never said because everyone's trying to fuck them. So when somebody wants the worst thing you can do to a kid I think is have everyone wanna fuck them. And then people don't wanna fuck em that much because they still go through life like everyone wants to fuck me and they think they can make their phone calls and they can do what? Get out of tickets and they can do whatever they want.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I was just thinking recently, this is somewhat related to what you're saying that I was remembering back in my single and sort of dabble. Well actually I was on MySpace at the time which turned into this way that a lot of people met people.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Oh shut up or ready?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm sorry,

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

I'm kidding.

[Allison Rosen]

But I. Guys would email me and invariably I would always think like there's no way I'm ever going to go out with you based on your email. But then this one guy emailed me and it was like, hey, want to meet sometime? And I said yes because he was so hot. If he had not been, like, off the charts attractive, there's no way I ever would have.

[Adam Carolla]

No. That's what guys do also with super hot chicks where they go, and she's really cool. She's super nice. When a chick's really off the charts hot and then she's tolerable in the personality department, they go nuts. They don't do that with fat chicks and a hooked nose. And she's really nice. She's really cool. It's a weird thing that we do. I don't know why. I don't know if we have any Teddy Pendergrass. I wanted to. And you can find some. Maybe I just wanted Sal and baby Doll to hear Teddy Pendergrass with David Alan Grier. You can take your time and find it. I just realized, you guys. Gary will find it.

[Dawson]

Maybe you know the bit with Dag?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm sorry, Not the Teddy Pendergrass, but Dag. I don't know. I stumbled into this Teddy Pendergrass thing he does, and it's insane, but I've never laugh so hard my fucking life.

[Allison Rosen]

He has tears in his eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll find a clip for you. Keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

Bud Light is the number one selling beer in America. And it's the. Okay, so here's the top five most selling domestic beers. Bud Light, Coors Light, Budweiser, Miller Lite and Natural Light, which I've never heard anyone actually say the whole natural. I just think of it as natty. Yes, but Bud Light sells more than Coors Light and Budweiser combined.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. But they don't. Do they advertise more. I don't think I like Miller Lite better. I went on. Well, they advertise a lot. I went on a. They all do, though. I went on a Decors tour, which was good. In Golden, Colorado. There's funny thing about the Coors tour. It's amazing. It's like it's nestled in the shadow of the Rockies and the big. The woman did 10 minutes on the water. We can't make it anywhere here because of the Rocky Mountain water. All right, hold on a second. The Rocky Mountain. This is the only place that has the Rocky Mountain spring water. So hence we can only do it here. And then half hour later, she went, well, we also opened a place in St. Louis. And I said, you have to truck in all this Rocky Mountain spring water. And she went. It turns out that the municipal water in St. Louis is almost exactly the same. I was like, all right. Just fuck it. Save it for full of shit. And we want to make money, but it is. When you see these breweries or any of these big factories, it's fucking amazing the process that goes through. And then you go to the tasting room and get drunk.

[Allison Rosen]

What are the vests for?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like there's nowhere in America you can walk into now. Like, when I come home, my nanny hands me safety goggles and a vest, and I'm like, what's up? Well, if you gotta go outside and piss or something, or you want to go out and walk molly or something, everywhere you go, you put on safety goggles and a vest, and then you just walk through an endless hallway looking through glass at guys stirring big copper kettles of stuff. But I guess when the place blows up, if they find safety goggles and a charred vest on my burnt remains, then the insurance payout will be a little bit less, right? So they'll be like, hey, Lynette, Carolla, we're not going to give you $10 million. Because there was charred. There was. There was a vest that had actually became part of his skin. It actually melted into him. And the goggles, they're over on top of his hat. Those also melted into his hat. But anyway, payout's only going to be $80 now. Do we have Teddy Pendergrass? This is Teddy Pendergrass, who somehow sings a lot of songs about dim the lights and get in the showers. This is David Alan Grier doing Teddy. Is he doing backup?

[Dawson]

He's singing backing vocals.

[Adam Carolla]

This is him in his early days singing backing vocals on a nice white person song. Do something like do some old school Isaac Hayes or Ooh, Teddy Pendergrass. Turn out the lights and light a candle and I will rub you down. Cause you're not that fat. I said turn it off. Hey, look here. Can't get some reverb. By the way, white guys sing about all the stuff they're not gonna do to you. Like, I'm not gonna bring you down and I'm not gonna follow you. Black and girl, get out of my life. You're not that side. And I want black guys sing about what they're gonna do to you. I need more titty. I wonder if you ever covered. I'd like to get to know you. I'd like to get to know you before I you, baby. I'd like to get to know you. Shadow box with your titties.

[Dawson]

Titty punches it up.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be funny. That'd be funny session like spanking our gang Whoever the fucking is it? Spanking our gang. Day by day, night by night

[Allison Rosen]

Little rascals.

[Adam Carolla]

This is just about a young couple kind of grooving on each other's vibe. So you just ooze and ahh. Yeah, it's just kind of your background, just kind of harmonizing. So it's just like I'd like to get to know you and box your big Teddy's mama. We just like. Just a little harmony. We brought you in here because you could harmonize, right? I like to your sister and make her lick your While I'm digging them. Chad stopped it recording for a second. That's awesome. I love Daggers. Teddy Pendergrass. All right, where the hell were we? Cousin Sal's here, by the way. Let's do another two stories. What do you got?

[Allison Rosen]

All right. A survey says that the perfect age gap in a relationship is four years and four months. And only one in 100 women said that the perfect age, the perfect gap would be for them to date a younger man. So the vast majority of people think that the man should always be older.

[Adam Carolla]

But I swear to God, we die seven years later or earlier. And thus you add the five years to that, and that's over a decade of you guys fucking our best friend and driving our cars around.

[Allison Rosen]

Coincidence?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying there's a lot of women who like, you know, I mean, you know what Candy Spelling is doing right now? Spending $10 million on drapes. Not her fucking money. I mean, Aaron Spelling's been gone for, you know, I don't know, three years. Whatever. She'll be around for another 20 years. And she's building a condo on Wilshire on like the 30th floor. That's like a 30,000 square foot condo. I mean, all she's gonna do is just run through his money and fuck gigolos for the next 20 years. Sounds like a fucking plan. I don't know how old she is, but. But, I mean, the women live to 90. The guys die early, we die early. I know it's because of stress. I know. Once women start grinding it out in the workforce.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, remember that came up recently, that the gap is closing because women are now dying younger.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So what do you think is the perfect age difference?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the perfect age difference should be whatever it is the guy. If women die six years and nine months later than guys, and you should find someone that's exactly that much older than you as a guy and then you both can die on the same day, that's just good Science.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? I told Lynette, if I die, she's got to die from a broken heart somewhere in, like, the next four to six weeks. You know what I mean? Even if she has to break it herself.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? I don't want that thing where it's like, well, how's Lynette Carrying on surprisingly well. She starts seeing somebody. Oh, good for her. And I don't like all those people. Oh, good for her. Are those assholes? Who is she fucking?

[Allison Rosen]

What he would have wanted.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, it's not what I wanted.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You know what?

[Adam Carolla]

I want you to throw yourself in the grave with me.

[Allison Rosen]

There shouldn't be so much left up to like. Oh, I think it's what he would have wanted. You should tell your spouse before you

[Adam Carolla]

die what you want from him. Come to the grave with me.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Die of a broken heart or a broken back. It doesn't matter. Come into the grave. And I don't want to. That she's dating.

[Bald Brian]

What is she dating?

[Adam Carolla]

A few guys. Bunch of black guys.

[Giovanni (Podcast Host)]

Interesting.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

She hasn't.

[Bald Brian]

She hasn't.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Do the quick clink for clink once in a while. She misses you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She sold his Miura for, I think it was $1,800. I don't know. She didn't know what it would cost. Anyway, that's what she's doing.

[Allison Rosen]

But, you know, you wouldn't want someone to stick around just so the kids have a parent for longer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, they gotta die, too. We're all goin'. Let's just all kind of go. You know what I mean?

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That goes for you guys, too.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Just everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, you don't need me, I don't need you. That'll be that. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

What do you guys think is the right age to.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

What did you say? Four years? Four months.

[Allison Rosen]

Four years, four months.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

That's exactly what it's.

[Bald Brian]

Me and my wife, really?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

So that's not.

[Adam Carolla]

It

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Seems about right. What do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

Eh, three years. Whatever Seacrest had with Julianne Hough seems about right to me.

[Allison Rosen]

They had a pretty big age difference.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Right?

[Dawson]

I think that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, He's.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

He's.

[Adam Carolla]

He's 38, and she's like, 24. He could even be older than 38. They list him at 38. I was reading today. Yeah, but you know those fighters, once they rehydrate, come into the ring at 42. I. We got to figure this one out. But there's a good, like, 24, maybe 40, 41.

[Dawson]

Maybe I'm a sucker, but I, like. My wife's about my same age, a year younger. Because we can talk more about, you know, cultural touchstones and references from our childhood and decide that maybe it'll change

[Adam Carolla]

in a few years.

[Dawson]

That's how I feel now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, I do that. My wife's. I don't know, five and a half years. I don't know when her birthday is. I got to check her driver's license. Yeah. But, yeah, it's no good when you're like, yeah, man, that movie Day the Jackal was in there.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Go.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? I don't know what you're talking about. Well, you know, like, you know that movie with Newman, man in the Wilderness or Jeremiah, whatever. I don't know what you're talking about.

[David Wilde]

A lot of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't think Lynette really knows what I'm talking about anyway. But to be fair, I talk so much that she tunes me out, you know, so you have to. It's like, I'm like living by the airport. I'm the airport. If you just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling all night every time a 7:27 took off, you'd never. You have to. You have to tune out. You have to tune out.

[Allison Rosen]

What happens when she's in absolute silence?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what she does is she. Yeah, she doesn't know what to do.

[Dawson]

Eyes wide open.

[Adam Carolla]

She texts while I talk, and then I go, listen. I know you're not listening. And then she always repeats the last word I said, but I know anyone can do that. That's parody. So I tell her I'll wait till she's done, and then we never get to it. All right, so whatever Seacrest is, gotta figure out his age. I know she's 24, and he could be 38, but I think he's. Goddamn. I feel like he's a little older than that. But anyway. All right, let's bring it home. We got one more.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Okay. Here's a story, Adam, that just shows that you are right.

[David Wilde]

Always.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

And then people catch up to you after.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Because here's an article that was in 38.

[Adam Carolla]

24. Baby Doll's, right?

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Taki.com, the libertarian online blog or website. Sorry. And they're talking about the cure to urban blight, and they say it's to bring gays in.

[Adam Carolla]

Import thousands of a million times.

[Allison Rosen]

Here we go. Import thousands of gays to any downtown, no matter how bleak and uninviting and within A year or two, the result will be a real estate developer's dream. Gays, not tax abatements, convention centers, malls, office buildings, or all the usual nostalgia are the only solution guaranteed to uplift struggling cities. But what I'm wondering is, how are they not giving you credit? You think they haven't heard you?

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Well, first off, they're texting while he's talking.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been screaming about this for a million years. They're really like, you know, they're like introducing. It's like when you have a problem with the flora and the fauna and you introduce, like, say you have an insect problem. So you introduce a bird species that eats that insect and then takes care of the problem, like naturally. And then the species grows and your problem, your aphids, go away too. It's like one of those things that nature takes care of. They're better than we are. Look, what's the worst citizen on the planet? It's the single mom with 17 kids. It's Michael Irvin's mom if he never went to the show. It's basically what we're talking about.

[David Wilde]

About.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so. Well, she has 17 kids and, you know, sorry, Dad. I think dad. Dad was around there. All right, all right. The worst. So, all right, here's how you can figure everything out in life. Do the opposite, and then you'll have your answer. Like, you go this way. You take a car, what looks cool on a car, Big fat slicks on the back and little skinny tires in the front.

[David Wilde]

All right?

[Adam Carolla]

If you want to know why that looks cool, switch them around, take the big fat slicks, put them in the front. Front. And put the little skinny tires in the back. And then stand back and look at the car. Well, it looks like shit. So do the opposite. You'll get your answer. So 20 kids, one mama, no paycheck. That's the worst we can do as a society. We get enough of that going, society comes unraveled. All right, what's the best we can do then? Two dudes, two incomes, no kids. So how fast their house becomes their kids, their lawn becomes their kids. Kids, the sidewalk in front of the house, that's where all their energy goes. So you have two incomes, no kids, fucking up everything. So who unattended, run around tagging everything, getting into trouble. So now you do that math. You get a neighborhood filled with single mommas and a whole bunch of kids. What do you have? You have fucking gunshots and graffiti. You get a bunch of gay guys, no kids, dual income. What do you got. You got a bunch of Miatas and a bunch of well manicured lawns. I've said it a million times. Take Santa Monica Boulevard. Go down to Western Boulevard. Stand on Santa Monica Western. Look on the ground. See all the gum that's on the ground. Look at the graffiti. Look at the freeway signs with all the razor wire around it. Look at everything. Everything's tagged, everything's a mess. There's trash everywhere, there's weeds. Era. Take that same boulevard and start walking south or north, whatever the fuck it is. But either way, maybe it's west. Anyway. Start walking west. Start walking west. And start walking and you'll see it start getting nicer and nicer and nicer. When you cross into Boys Town, all of a sudden it becomes a country club dripping with semen. But a country club. Everything is manicured. The medians. Inside, they're like little palm trees and astroturf, little oases. It's an oasis. Well, why, what just happened? You think the city council just dumped a bunch of money into that part of Santa Monica Boulevard? Not the other. No. You have the gays living there. Silver Lake was a dump. Silver Lake was dangerous and dicey and shitty. It was gang infested. My sister bought a house there for $116,000 in 1997. How do I know? I put the down payment down on it.

[Allison Rosen]

But you got the money back, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. With it. Interesting. Twice over. Yeah. So it was $116,000. It was 1997. Try to find a house up on a hill in Silver Lake. Now what happened? Gays moved in and then they started going to like Echo park and all these places that were really shitty gang infested places with one mom and lots of kids. And they came in with their no kids and their dual incomes and pow. Unfortunately, we can't breed the gays. I'm working on a plan where we breed them. We could clone them and then just start spreading them out. Yes, send them to the shittiest parts of the inner city and send them to the shittiest parts. There should be grants. You know where they do like homesteading, you know what I mean? Like 20 acres in a glory hole. 40 acres.

[Allison Rosen]

There needs to be an anthem to whip people into a.

[Adam Carolla]

Just get them over there and then their friends start coming in and then the business starts coming in and next thing you know you have this beautiful utopia. Yes, of course. I've known this my whole life.

[Allison Rosen]

And I said, it's talkimag.com now. When you hear your Idea in written form. Do you feel like, hey, that's my idea?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's the same as my tack crows. It's the same as everything else. I'm just waiting for people to catch up. Everyone has the same. It's like when people do your joke, it's not your joke. You're a human being. They're human beings. You all have the same brain. You all have the same thoughts. Smarter ones have the thoughts earlier.

[Allison Rosen]

Like you just rented the idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like we would have gotten around to inventing everything Edison invented. He was smarter than we were, so he did it before us. But then as human beings, at a certain point we're going to go, let's stop burning this whale blubber. Let's get a switch we can throw on and the light will be illuminated. That would be nicer than the whale blubber. Right. So we would eventually get to everything that all of the greats, I include myself in that group, came to. But they came to it before us because they were brighter and they saw things before us. So that's why everything that I complain about comes to fruition. Except for I get zero credit for it and I can't patent any of it moving Gays attack rows. Can't go pull a patent on the that.

[Allison Rosen]

Be nice, humble and self aggrandizing all at once.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Sip it Kunst.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen and warnings. I warned everyone about the scourge that was passion fruit. I never stopped telling everyone about passion fruit. I never stopped complaining about passion fruit iced tea. It used to just be was only the iced tea. Remember 10 years ago it was just passion fruit iced tea. And I'd go, give me regular iced tea and I'd go, this is regular. No, it is passion fruit. Every somebody told me they're in the dentist's chair, they were getting their teeth cleaned and it was passion fruit. Flavor of the pumice that they're putting on every fucking thing is someone tweets me a new passion fruit. Deodorant, water soluble lube, yogurt. Everything's got passion fruit in it. I've been telling everyone about passion fruit for 10 years. It wouldn't listen. And now it's everywhere.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't put it back.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all fucked.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Send passion fruit to the inner cities. You'll see a difference.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey gays, I need you to mule in some passion fruit. I think that's about it. Twitter, Sal and of course Jimmy Kimmel. Live 11:30. It says Eastern on there. 11:35. Well, it's 11:35 out here too. ABC. And of course, James Bay, Baby Doll Dixon. Thanks for having me.

[Cousin Sal (Sal Iacono)]

Good time.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, Sam Crow, her cousin Sal James, Baby Doll Dixon, Allison Rosen and Ball, Brian and David Wild saying mahalo.

[Dawson]

Gucci.

[Adam Carolla]

Gucci Goo.

[Giovanni (Podcast Host)]

All right, that's adam Crow Show. 1037. Legendary episode. That does it for his cool classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

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That is so fast on Pluto TV.

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