Harland Williams + Lisa Lampanelli (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: “Harland Williams + Lisa Lampanelli” (Carolla Classics)
Date: June 12, 2026
Podcast: Adam Carolla Show | Host: Carolla Digital

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Episode Overview

This “Carolla Classics” episode spotlights two vintage Adam Carolla Show recordings from 2010, replaying memorable segments featuring roast comedian Lisa Lampanelli and comedian-actor Harland Williams—plus appearances by Teresa Strasser, Bald Bryan, and surprise guests like Ralphie May. These episodes exemplify Adam’s uncensored comedic style, winding through sharp pop culture commentary, irreverent banter, and behind-the-scenes anecdotes with a revolving cast of comics. The episode moves between classic oral storytelling (from weddings to childhood Christmases), advice calls, news breakdowns, and improv games, offering both nostalgic highlights and timelessly biting humor.

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Part 1: Classic Adam Carolla Show #376 (2010)

Cast: Adam Carolla, Teresa Strasser, Bald Bryan, Lisa Lampanelli
Notable Guest: Lisa Lampanelli
Key Segments: Bachelorette Recap, Parenting Stories, Roasting Culture, Relationship Advice

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Lisa Lampanelli’s Wedding and Persona (48:40–52:00)

• Lisa talks about her then-upcoming wedding at New York’s Friars Club, negotiating celebrity expectations, and the absurd costs vendors quote for “showbiz” folk—with her signature roast humor:
  • “We’re not having celebrities there because we don’t have any friends.”
  • “I talked about [the florist] on Stern; got him down to 50 [thousand]. This is what you had to do.” – Lisa Lampanelli (50:21)
• Recounts negotiating with her “Jew guy” florist—turning costs from $67K to $50K, roasting the wedding industry.

Comedy on Body Image, Retail, and Relationships (59:06–62:20)

• Satirical discussion of plus-sized retail stores (Dress Barn, Casual Male), fat-shaming, and gender double standards.
  • “The best was Dress Barn. You go in and they try to milk you.” – Lisa Lampanelli (59:37)
• Joking about being offered discounts as public figures: “Lampanelli comes—raise everything 20%!” (Bald Bryan, 59:18)
• Humorous comparison of “Big Ball” Jimmy’s anatomy to fruit sizes, ongoing through the marriage conversations (57:15–57:59).

The Bachelorette Recap & Cultural Observations (20:02–34:00)

• Deep-dive into “The Bachelorette” finale, lampooning relationship tropes and tear-jerker moments.
  • “It's that third cock that really makes the vacation. Something special. Something to remember.” – Teresa Strasser (20:23)
  • “You got that? Your mom died—suck it twice.” – Teresa Strasser (27:34)
  • Discussion of the prospects for “Chris”—the runner-up—turning a tragic backstory into social capital: “I was thinking of killing my mom just so I could get some pussy.” – Bald Bryan (28:25)
• Commentary on racial tokenism on reality dating shows and the unspoken rule of “first round” survival for Black contestants (56:12–56:41).

Parenting, Safety, and Public Health Rants (16:17–46:02)

• Adam details the “real-life” challenge of taking his daughter to pee outdoors, opening a broader discussion on the universal struggles of outdoor potty training for girls (16:17–19:37).
• Major segment on swimming safety and racial disparities in drowning rates (33:05–46:47).
  • “We're now getting into third hand smoke, yet school buses don't have seat belts...Yet half the inner city kids, not half, I'd say 80% of them would drown if they hit more than three feet of water.” – Adam Carolla (37:36)
  • Critique of misplaced societal anxieties (e.g., on third-hand smoke, gluten, tap water) instead of focusing on real hazards like pool safety.

Honest Relationship Advice Calls (62:25–79:09)

• Callers seek advice on language barriers, long-distance and college romances, and “taking breaks” in relationships.
  • “Just go to college and see what happens. Don’t go to college going ‘I’m definitely/not going to break up.’” – Bald Bryan (67:50)
  • Adam’s vulnerable retelling of his own relationship “break,” using his fleeting pre-fame bachelorhood to illustrate the value of experience (70:34–72:29).

Stand-Up Culture & Roasting – Lisa Lampanelli On “Roasts” (79:38–94:12)

• Lisa dishes on writing and performing Comedy Central roasts, the gendered nature of insult comedy, and the emotional resilience required.
  • “If the joke’s good, I don’t care if it’s a fat or ugly joke…If it’s well written, I laugh my ass off.” – Lisa Lampanelli (90:15)
  • On joke prep: “To do this well, you have to prepare a month.” (89:34)
  • Behind-the-scenes roast stories, including celebrities whose feelings were genuinely hurt and the fine line between “good” and “hurtful” jokes.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Every time I touch [Jimmy's balls], I feel like I'm Kobe Bryant getting ready for a shot.” – Lisa Lampanelli (49:17)
• “You know, if you can't swim, stay out of the river.” – Bald Bryan (47:23)
• “I have actually wished guys in my heart would die so I didn’t have to break up with them.” – Lisa Lampanelli (78:25)
• “I tried to get her tumor out with a snow shovel. I'm no doctor.” – Bald Bryan, on “helping” his mom (28:34)
• On being a plus-size model: “Even fat catalogs now have thin people in them.” – Lisa Lampanelli (61:31)

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Part 2: Classic Adam Carolla Show #459 (2010)

Host: Harland Williams (filling in for Adam), with Shira Lazar, Bald Bryan, Ralphie May (guest)
Key Segments: Animal Stories, News and Politics, Blah-Blah-Blah Game

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Harland Williams’ Animal Gags and Toilet Humor (112:23–115:32)

• Harland riffs on dogs and cats “wiping their butts” on carpets, drawing parallels to human behavior in his signature surreal style.
  • “If it was a sexual thing, there’d be a website.” (114:10)

Credit Card Swiping Fails & Advertising Satire (115:52–117:36)

• Universal confusion on how to swipe cards at ATMs and points of sale, leading to the idea of a “dumbass card.”
• Running ad-spot parodies for Pluto TV, O’Reilly Auto, etc., blending absurdity into commercial reads.

WikiLeaks, TSA, & News Parody (121:26–138:10)

• Explains the WikiLeaks “diplomatic cables” story, musing about government transparency and hacking; Adam (as voiced by Harland) imagines “WikiLeaks” as an adult diaper for terrorists (122:53–123:07).
  • “Are you peeing in your cave? You need some WikiLeaks adult diapers, so no more ugly, messy burqa stains.” – Harland Williams (123:03)
• NASA’s “extraterrestrial life” announcements provide fodder for curiosity and UFO gags.
• Mock news story about a criminal using a “black mask,” setting off a satirical discussion on race, identity, and prejudice (132:59–134:57).
• TSA and airport pat-downs, stories of “luggage dogs,” and random-patdown humor.

“Blah Blah Blah” Celebrity Blog Game (150:09–161:12)

• Panel tries to match blog posts to celebrities.
  • Banter over words like “proselytizing,” and pokes at celebrity culture, e.g.:
  • “Was she a great big fat person?” – Harland Williams, referencing “Silence of the Lambs” as recurring joke
  • Game provides a meta-commentary on media presence and the banality of online self-promotion.

Ralphie May Interview: Stand-Up Grit and “Highs” (162:26–196:50)

• Ralphie and Harland reflect on working comedy clubs, the thrill of sharing shows with legends like Seinfeld and Dangerfield, and how camaraderie among comedians builds “comedy explosions.”
• Ralphie recounts an airport drug-dog mishap due to him being a dog lover, not realizing he still had weed in his luggage:
  • “So I go 30 feet out of my way…to pet the dog. The dog sits down—that means they have a positive.” – Ralphie May (170:06)
• On his southern roots and dialect:
  • “We still use yonder.” (174:09)

Real Talk: Sarah Palin & Political Frustration (176:07–182:15)

• Ralphie May’s unfiltered take on Sarah Palin, political ignorance, and the need for intellectual leadership:
  • “That dumb can fucking make it happen… I want the smartest person there.” – Ralphie May (182:15)

Lighthearted Closers: Christmas Shoes and Old Friends (189:52–196:05)

• Ralphie’s personal Christmas story: how growing up poor led to his adult shoe “collection” (80 pairs), blending vulnerability with humor.
• Concludes with Harlan’s musical send-off:
  • “I wish Ralphie a merry Christmas… and no drug dogs, but some new shoes.” – Harlan Williams (196:07)

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Additional Notable Quotes (Timestamps in MM:SS)

• “To just go back in time and watch the Negro leagues for [Ken Burns], you’d have to put a pan underneath him—he’d never stop dripping.” – Bald Bryan (06:34)
• “[Chris Rock] is filthy rich, you’re adored…your wife’s doing philanthropic work…and you think most people in America wouldn’t swap places with you?...That’s sad.” – Bald Bryan (09:22)
• “We always talk about this—f that Junior college…Just specialize in something.” – Bald Bryan, on career advice (04:12)
• “This show is about the Mouth-Body connection…Mouth health reflects your entire system.” – Adam Carolla (00:00)

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Thematic Threads

• Roast Humor & Vulnerability: Both Lisa Lampanelli and Ralphie May offer a masterclass in how insult comedy is built on shared insecurity, resilience, and candor.
• Parental Panic & Priorities: Adam’s extended riff on swimming safety exposes societal blind spots and hypocrisies in risk assessment.
• Relationship Realism: From youthful romance angst to the logistics of “breaks” in adult relationships, the show’s advice balances cynicism with hard-earned wisdom.
• Celebrity Culture Skewering: The panel consistently lampoons reality TV, celebrity self-branding, and the machinery of TV/PR.
• Podcast as Comic Salon: The banter illustrates the “green room” freedoms that podcasting enables—a blend of therapy session, roast battle, improv, and soapbox.

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Lisa Lampanelli wedding/roast talk: 48:40–52:00, 79:38–94:12
• Bachelorette recap: 20:02–34:00
• Drowning/swimming safety rant: 33:05–46:47
• Relationship advice: 62:25–79:09
• Blah Blah Blah game: 150:09–161:12
• Ralphie May interview: 162:26–196:50

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Final Take

Even as a series of “classic clips,” this Adam Carolla Show episode remains sharp, uncensored, and revealing—documenting a comedy scene in its prime and laying bare both the egos and insecurities behind the laughter. Whether you’re a longtime fan or a newcomer, this episode delivers wisecracks, confessionals, and cultural critique in equal measure.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know the dentist can sometimes spot health issues before physicians? I've actually had that happen in my practice. Smile Generation is a community of experts who know that what happens in your mouth affects your entire system and reflects your entire system as well. Mouth Body connection, it's called. There are proven links between oral health, your heart, your brain, conditions like diabetes. Oral health can play a significant role in women's wellness, impacting everything from hormonal shifts to pregnancy and bone density. Caring for your smile is not just aesthetics. Regular screenings can catch issues early, often before you feel a single symptom. So do not put your health on pause. Visit SmileGeneration.com AdamAndrew that is SmileGeneration.com AdamAndrew and you'll learn more about that Mouth Body connection and find a trusted provider near you.

[Bald Bryan]

Foreign. Welcome to Coral Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans. Select eclipse from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to access the ad Free archives, the Adam Carolla show as well as the archives, the Adam Dr. Drew show and the new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out

[Bald Bryan]

Adam Krola substack adamcoroll.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email

[Adam Carolla]

us classicsamcroll.com we can only play material from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show Podcast. We cannot play any of the material that aired from 2006 to 2009 on KLSX, nor can we play anything from Loveline. If you have any questions or want more information about those shows, I remastered them as well. Please check out my patreon patreon.com Giovanni now on to the clips. Coming up first today we have Adam Krolishow 376. This one's from 2010.

[Bald Bryan]

It's after the format switch.

[Adam Carolla]

It's 44 episodes into the new format, mimicking the old radio show format from 2006 to 22,009. Teresa Strasser's on news Brian Bishop on

[Bald Bryan]

Sound Effects Classic episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope you guys enjoy.

[Bald Bryan]

Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast one Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hunting, hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration, and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus with Access to Podcast One's industry leading network. You'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro. The power behind the podcast. At first I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Bald Bryan]

There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free.

[Shira Lazar]

Truth isn't.

[Bald Bryan]

It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now. Pay Never. Good day, Bald Brian. This is damn exciting stuff. Good day, Teresa Strasser.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Adam.

[Bald Bryan]

Carolla, excited to see Lisa Lampanelli.

[Teresa Strasser]

Can't wait. We've not seen her since she's been married.

[Bald Bryan]

Love, love, love that gal. Yeah, she is married by a guy who's like basically a stand in for everyone on the Sopranos. Like if his name is not. It's Big Lou or something like that.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's got some sort of nickname.

[Bald Bryan]

My name is like Big Lou.

[Ralphie May]

Big Lou.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

But the big shock is he is white.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the big shock.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's the shock.

[Bald Bryan]

They should call him Big Shock. Big Blue's white. Well, we'll talk to Lampanelli about that. First off, I want to give a little shout out to our friends over at Pinnacle College. They do video game sound design, recording and engineering programs. Been around, by the way. Founded in my hometown of North Hollywood in 1972. I remember it well. I was just a lad. Yeah, I was only eight years old. But I remember when they were founded, I was like, the future is here.

[Teresa Strasser]

Was there a parade or anything like that?

[Bald Bryan]

In my mind there was, baby. In my mind. Yeah. They offer two programs now, by the way. Recording engineering and video game sound design. And their graduates have gone on to win Emmys and Grammys and Oscars. Oh, my. So you want to get in touch with these folks and you want to check them out. And again, we always talk about this f that Junior college or you just, oh, I'm taking, taking art history at Santa Monica City, whatever. Just specialize in something. You can get your. You can be well rounded later.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, this is the time to make a living.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes, you can be the guy from the Dos Equis commercial Later on in life. So he has some gray in his beard.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

Right now. Let's make some bucks. Check him out at 888-590-8824. That's 888-459-0-8824. Or you can go to PinnacleCollege Edu. And by the way, the phone number is toll free. All right, let me talk about me for a minute. For minutes. Let me talk about me for an hour.

[Giovanni]

Only a minute.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Couple interesting things happened today. Had a nice long sit down with Kenny Burns, you know, the documentarian. Oh, yeah, Interesting cat, man. Sat down, talked to that cat for an hour. It was like, really? It's like I just blinked my eyes. Not on the phone.

[Teresa Strasser]

You were together.

[Giovanni]

Former ACE Award winner for best interview, I believe.

[Bald Bryan]

Best guy. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Best guest or something.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, he pointed that out to me. Of course, I didn't remember.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, he was amazing.

[Bald Bryan]

I was like, you sure Al Gore didn't win that year? What a guy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, Ken was in studio, so he had an advantage.

[Bald Bryan]

Exquisitely small hands, but a great man.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, my God, we would have made a great couple.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Talk about jazz and black people.

[Bald Bryan]

He loves black people. He loves the more than baseball, more than Lampanelli.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Bald Bryan]

To just to go back in time and watch the Negro leagues for him, I think would be like he would just. Just leave. You have to put a pan underneath him. He never stopped dripping between Burns and Lampanelli. Oh, man. One of the greatest comedy duos of the 50s, Burns and Lampanelli. Burns is smoking the cigar. Yes. Lepanelli.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a nine part roast.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So anyway, talking to Ken Burns about everything under the sun, but race did come up, and, you know, he loves himself some jazz. He's the whitest guy in the world.

[Teresa Strasser]

But he looks a lot like Chris Carolla.

[Bald Bryan]

He looks like my mom.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

He also looks a lot like. He sort of looks like when Eddie Murphy went undercover as a white gu.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. He's cartoonishly white.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Find a picture of when Eddie Murphy went undercover as a white guy. Or maybe that was Tyra Banks. I can't remember.

[Giovanni]

That was a famous SNL sketch back in the 80s.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. He also has a little bit, and it's a boyish look, so it doesn't sound like a compliment, but he's got a little transgender thing working for him.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's very Brandon Tina hot.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. When he was in stock studio, I thought, I wouldn't mind if his delightfully small hands were holding mine.

[Giovanni]

Mr. White.

[Bald Bryan]

Mr. White.

[Giovanni]

That's what he's like, I'll handle your application from here, Mr. Looks down. Mr. White.

[Bald Bryan]

Mr. White. But anyway, Ken Burns, great guy, but he said something that I found, I don't know, a little disturbing. We're talking about race and he was talking about how far we need to go and blah, blah, blah. And then he said, he's talking to his buddy Chris Rock. And Chris Rock said, well, would you want to trade places with me? Like, how far have we come? Would you like to trade places with me?

[Teresa Strasser]

Interesting thought experiment.

[Bald Bryan]

And his take on it was, well, hell no. And Chris Rock's take on it was, of course you wouldn't. And it was sort of. It was like one of these things where it's like if a millionaire had lung cancer or something. And he, he lived in a castle on the hill and he drove a Bentley, but he had this horrible disease. Of course you wouldn't want to trade places with him. But this isn't that. I mean, I said to Ken Burns, fuck yeah. Well, I was trying to think if Chris Rock's wife was hot or not.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

Because I'm such an idiot. That's immediately like, do I gotta fuck that chick? What does she look like? So then I thought, yeah, I would trade places with him. And Ken Burns take was and Chris Rock. Sadly, it's got to be kind of weird. You're married to a beautiful woman, you're filthy rich, you're adored by white people and black people.

[Teresa Strasser]

Two beautiful little girls.

[Bald Bryan]

Two beautiful little girls. And your wife's doing all this philanthropic work and you're traveling the world and you're hanging around with Adam Sandler doing big movies with a guy. And you don't think. You may think you know McDonald's drinks, but you don't know them like this. From fruity refreshers like the Strawberry Watermelon Refresher and the Mango Pineapple Refresher with popping Boba. To crafted sodas like the Sprite Berry Blast with berry flavored Sprite topped with cold foam. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so Fire six. All new drinks are here. Try them all now at McDonald's. Refreshers contain caffeine that most people in America would swap places with you. I mean, just the same as they would, you know, Kevin James or Adam Sandler or, you know, funny, funny white man du jour. You know what I'm saying? Like, I thought that was really sad. Like I thought it was sad that Chris Rock thought that. Cuz I would switch. I know my wife would swap if she had a choice, I mean, me,

[Teresa Strasser]

right, she would swap you out in a second.

[Bald Bryan]

In a fucking second. She loves a guy and thinks he's hysterical. Like, I know my dog and kids would be cool with it. Like I don't see the one in the Corolla household that would be with it. And I thought, well, that's sad. And I wonder if it's just rhetoric or he really means it. And he didn't mean, you know, Ken Burns, the successful documentarian.

[Teresa Strasser]

He just an average white guy. Life would be easier for him.

[Bald Bryan]

I know Ray would kill him and climb inside of him if he could, right?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

But the reverse, I don't.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the whole thing. Chris Rock wouldn't swap out with Ray, that's for fucking sure. He wouldn't live in some piece of shit apartment in North Hollywood. Credit card work under the table? Well, one credit card, but just used a Jimmy. Doors open from the bank of Hovind.

[Teresa Strasser]

He's working on another document. Documentary series.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. Oh my God, Ken Burns. Anyway, so he's always working on a documentary. I thought that was sad that Chris Rock. I thought it was sad if Chris Rock really felt that way. And I also thought it was sort of sad that Ken Burns thought, oh yeah, of course, no one wants places

[Teresa Strasser]

with you because we internalize all the racism of our culture.

[Bald Bryan]

Also, Ken Burns has a Vietnam one coming up. I was trying to convince him to do one on Cake versus Pie or the Taboo porn series, actually, which is already 25 part series. So it'd be easy to do, you know, if you just did 20 minutes on each Taboo, you'd be covered. He's got. And you can hear this coming up because we pre taped it at the Beverly Hilton. Actually, it was another one of these things where when I was picking up my car, it's the thing in society that drives me insane. I was standing in front of the place waiting for my car and I said, geez, a lot of celebrities floating around this place. To the head valet guy, the head car guy just sort of sits there and hands the keys to the guys that run around. He said, yeah, always a lot of celebrities in here. I said, any of them assholes? He said, lawrence Fishburne and Lindsay Lohan.

[Giovanni]

Well, his daughter's in porn.

[Teresa Strasser]

Forgot his daughter's making a porn.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I think this is pre porn. Yeah. So Lohan and Fishburne, the two. Although with Fishburne he couldn't really put his finger on it. Although Ken Burns went, aha. I don't know what they.

[Giovanni]

I've heard corroborating stories about Laurence Fisher.

[Teresa Strasser]

You have?

[Giovanni]

Oh, yes.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So Fishburne people can put their finger on his daughter, ain't it? So that was funny. Also, the thing that drives me insane drives me absolutely insane because, you know, I always complain about, oh, you go up Oak Crest Way and then you turn left on Oak Crest Circle and then you go up to Oak Crest Road. It's like, stop naming things that sound exactly the same and putting them right next to each other. I fucked up doing an upfronts once because the first time we did the TLC up front, we did it at the Beverly Wilshire. And then the second time we did it, we did it at the Beverly Hilton. And I said, there's gotta. And I went to the Beverly Wilshire, which is the first place we did it.

[Teresa Strasser]

At least pandering to the working class. Seriously, enough is enough.

[Bald Bryan]

Hanging out with Ken Burns at the Beverly Hilton.

[Teresa Strasser]

Still getting confused between the Beverly Wilshire and the Beverly Hilton. For the upfronts.

[Bald Bryan]

He said, and then there's the Beverly Hills Hotel. I said, how many times a day does someone pull in here and go, is this the Beverly wheelchair or is this the Beverly Hills? He said, three times a day, every single day. I said, could one of you guys call yourself the fucking Ramada and end this cycle of abuse?

[Giovanni]

Three times? I assume it happened a lot more.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I said, I threw it at him and he just nodded his head. The Beverly Hilton, the Beverly Wilshire and the Beverly Hills Hotel are all within four blocks of each other. And people flying in from Tokyo must fucking get dropped off at the wrong one every single day.

[Ralphie May]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's all a likely place to have a meeting amongst celebrities, right? Or to meet your William Morris agent.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. Also saw Katie Seagal there from Married With Children and had a nice little talk with her about being her former carpenter, used to be her handyman on our house. And I said, now that you're divorced, Katie, I can tell you, not a fan of your a hole ex husband.

[Teresa Strasser]

Really? What'd she say to that?

[Bald Bryan]

He wasn't a great guy. But she also said he was going through a rough time, meaning he was the drummer for Rick Springfield's band and.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, God, rough time.

[Bald Bryan]

I guess things weren't going. I don't know if he was doing drugs, but it was a rough time. You can find out if someone's a dick not by going to a party at their house, but by going to their house to work on their house.

[Giovanni]

He was Rick Springfield's drummer. And you're not sure if he was doing drugs. His drums were full of drugs.

[Bald Bryan]

His drums were filled with drugs.

[Teresa Strasser]

Why now? Other does he. Did he sing the 867-5309 song?

[Shira Lazar]

No.

[Giovanni]

Tommy Tizzen.

[Teresa Strasser]

What do I know? Rick Springfield.

[Bald Bryan]

Jesse's girl.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sorry.

[Bald Bryan]

And I've done everything for you and you've done nothing for me. I've had about. You had about five hits actually, all off one.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's not a bad song.

[Bald Bryan]

I've done everything for you. You've done another.

[Giovanni]

Love Somebody's a fantastic song.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, you better love some. Boom.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, that was that, phil.

[Bald Bryan]

That was Mr. Seagal hitting the drum. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. You can learn a lot by somebody from somebody by working for them. That's really how you know.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, she was cool. He was kind of a douche. But now she's divorced and married to the dude from the Sons of Anarchy, which is why she was there. So said hi to her and had a nice talk with Kenny Burns. And you'll hear that on an upcoming podcast. All right. Had a tea. I gotta ask you. Vaginal urethra related. I really need to ask.

[Teresa Strasser]

Brian.

[Bald Bryan]

I need answers here. I don't need sound effects. I need answers. Every time I take my daughter out for a walk at some point point we get off the trail and she announces, I gotta go pee pee. And I can't figure out what God damn position to put her in that doesn't. She pulled the skirt down around the ankles, pulled the panties down around the ankles, got her down and do as much as I can simulate sitting on the toilet. And then proceeded to douse her skirt in urine and then pulled it up and then wanted to sit on daddy's lap and point out where all the princesses were out in the valley. Every time she just pees all over whatever she's wearing. I don't know what to hold her up and spin her around by her arms while she pees.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think you're gonna have to accept it. There's just something about. I can't.

[Bald Bryan]

What goes on?

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't know. I can't conjure a time when I've squatted to pee somewhere and a little bit of urine hasn't ended up on my shoes. Somehow it just. No matter what position you squat into, it's gonna. Somehow some of it's gonna end up on your shoes.

[Bald Bryan]

At best, you need one of. You know what chicks need? Remember that thing Steve Yeager invented? It's closed. Hang it off his catcher's mask.

[Giovanni]

It's famous. The catchers that wear the mask used to have the throat guard that hung off the plastic, you know, thing that protects their throat off.

[Bald Bryan]

Basically, he got hit in the Adam's apple with a fastball or two and realized it's somewhere between. It's really. It's one of those no shit things that someone should have came up with, which is they have the chest protector, right? And they have the face protector. But in between the chest protector and the face protector is 6 inches of real estate called your windpipe.

[Giovanni]

Right where the pitcher's aiming, right where the pitcher aims.

[Bald Bryan]

And when the ball just tips off the bat or the top of the thing, it hits you right there. He invented something that looked like a shoehorn that essentially just hangs off your catcher's mask.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Bald Bryan]

And it stops, you know, if the ball hits it there. It doesn't crush your windpipe. You need something to hang off the front of the vulva or something to stop that. Like a shoehorn everywhere. Whatever. Let's get. Let's get Steve Yeager on this thing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Or. I mean, it's too bad that Billy. What's his. Billy Mays is no longer with us. He invented a lot of cool stuff.

[Bald Bryan]

He's one of these guys where I feel like he was with us so much when he was with us that he still. I still feel him.

[Teresa Strasser]

He feels presence.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I mean? Does it feel like he's gone?

[Teresa Strasser]

I know. I can't believe he's gone. Especially because you can still buy all that stuff.

[Giovanni]

It does feel like he's gone, because whenever the infomercials come on or the little commercials, it's always Sully or some other Billy Mays clone. You're like, I remember Billy Mays used to do this.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, Sam.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wow. Guy.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, how about if.

[Ralphie May]

Just before the Ding King.

[Giovanni]

Ain't the same. If Billy Mazes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Before you leave the house. How about you? Okay, we're gonna leave now, but first, I want you to go to the potty.

[Bald Bryan]

No can do. No, can't do. I tried that. I've tried that in the pool. I've tried it in the hikes. I tried everywhere. So she always just re. Chambers.

[Teresa Strasser]

Immediately she manages to have a full bladder.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, immediately. Full enough that she likes peeing places. She likes to announce that she's gotta go because it means daddy's gotta hop to it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right? Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I mean?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

She'd shit and yell, pick it up, old man, if she could get it out.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, that's something to look forward to.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I got that to look forward to. All right, T Bone, how about before Lampanelli comes in here, we get to some of your news.

[Harland Williams]

From the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Teresa Strasser.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, I watched the Bachelorette finale last night simply because I knew you'd be watching.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I missed it. What happened?

[Teresa Strasser]

Should I not spoil her?

[Bald Bryan]

No, go ahead. I gotta tell you, when she was in Aruba fucking those three guys, except for one of them showed up and said, I gotta get back together with my ex. And she was like, now what am I supposed to do? What? You can't suck two cocks in Aruba.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's that third cock that really makes the vacation. Something special. Something to remember.

[Bald Bryan]

I know. My grandmother always told me that. I never believed her until now. Like, what am I supposed to do? Just fuck these two other strangers in a grass. In a thatch roof hut where you can fucking see fish swimming underneath you because we have a glass floor? Like, what the fuck?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it came down to Roberto and Chris.

[Bald Bryan]

Roberto's. You know, he's. He's a bit of all right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Tall, dark and handsome.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. But Chris, I like. Because he lost his mom.

[Teresa Strasser]

Believe me, he played that card.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Teresa Strasser]

He might have overplayed it.

[Bald Bryan]

Jesus, fuck, get over it. I thought I'd.

[Ralphie May]

It's been a year.

[Bald Bryan]

I know. Well, for the first year, I had

[Teresa Strasser]

to move home and help her sick. She was a nurse.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, I was ready to marry him, but what the fuck with that? Look, all right, we get it. You know, Nobody said, well, my mom got cancer, so I kicked her in the ribs, lit a cigarette and stole her car and went joyriding. We get it. She's your mom. You loved her.

[Giovanni]

Everyone grieves in their own way.

[Bald Bryan]

I know. And then there's that thing, too, where it's like. You know, and then for the first year after she died, I. I just wasn't in the mind. For me, first off, fucking would. I feel like that would get her out of my system. You know what I mean? Like, come on.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, I mean, how do you fight death except with something so life affirming is sex.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. You fight it with your cock.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, exactly. At least that's what. Isn't that one of those Elizabeth Kubler Ross yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Stuff.

[Bald Bryan]

Fight death with your cock.

[Teresa Strasser]

Denial, numbness.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, Ally had to make her big choice, but she decided she wasn't gonna wait until the rose ceremony.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, let me say this also for the guy who essentially won the race knowing that there are three cars in the race, but one of them just sort of pulled over.

[Teresa Strasser]

It doesn't feel like you actually won.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, maybe you cross the finish line first, but you can always go back and watch the footage of her balling that the other guy split. I started Ornod in 2013, and we make bike apparel.

[Adam Carolla]

The best part of Shopify for me is our ability to run the business

[Bald Bryan]

as essentially non technical people.

[Adam Carolla]

We're able to admin everything on the

[Bald Bryan]

back end, front end, and sell things online easily.

[Adam Carolla]

If Shopify were a bike accessory, I think it would actually be the bicycle.

[Bald Bryan]

It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify.

[Adam Carolla]

Start your free trial on shopify.com.

[Teresa Strasser]

yeah, I know, but a W is a W. Like sometimes in the Olympics when it's track and field and. And two guys trip each other up.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Or blood.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Well, somebody wins because a couple people tripped each other, but they still win.

[Bald Bryan]

All right.

[Teresa Strasser]

With an asterisk.

[Bald Bryan]

I know, but, you know, when the guy. I don't know, it's not the. It's not a knockout win. You getting punched in the nuts, not being able to continue and then having the ref raise your hand, it's not the same as knocking a guy out in the second round.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, Ally has to have a very serious talk with one of these guys. And my husband instantly announced that, oh, my God, she's about to break up with him because I forced him to watch the show, which neither of us had seen before. And Dawson announced to me that he also knew immediately. And this convinces me that I do have some form of autism because I cannot read human cues because I had no idea when she walked in. But apparently it was patently obvious what was going to happen between Ally and Chris the second she walked in to the door.

[Bald Bryan]

He's a landscaper, too. And by the way, landscaper could mean, you know, designing golf courses for Arnold Palmer or it just means fucking labor.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's one of those catch alls, like engineer.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, yeah. Landscaper can mean $8 an hour and hitchhikes to work.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, exactly. And like, if you're from another country and you put engineers on your resume, you might have a factory. Yeah. So here's apparently from the body language, it was painfully obvious. But here is the sounds of a painful, painful conversation between Ally and Chris.

[Bald Bryan]

It's okay. You said

[Lisa Lampanelli]

tomorrow.

[Shira Lazar]

I'm at a point where I.

[Teresa Strasser]

Who guys here?

[Bald Bryan]

Yep.

[Teresa Strasser]

And gotcha. Gotcha. Roger that.

[Bald Bryan]

I wish there A tough spot. I mean, I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

I feel like you have all qualities

[Bald Bryan]

that like, I want in somebody.

[Teresa Strasser]

Everything. You're one of the best men I've ever good. Been able to meet.

[Bald Bryan]

Basically between one of those cultured boulders I install near swimming pools for what we call hardscaping and a hard place.

[Teresa Strasser]

Really enjoy spending time with each other. I don't know what that necessarily means. That it's like supposed to be goodbye. Oh, goodbye. That's what it hits him.

[Bald Bryan]

Uh oh.

[Shira Lazar]

I'm.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm in love with somebody else. She's in love with somebody else?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, she's in love. She's in love with Roberta. What's Heidi doing here?

[Bald Bryan]

I love this guy. He plays triple A. He's from the Dominican. Dominican Republic. Not sure how old he is because they don't really keep records over there.

[Giovanni]

He's got a rocket arm.

[Bald Bryan]

Listen, can you turn to. Or go around the horn? I didn't think so.

[Teresa Strasser]

Listen, Adam, the important thing is that through this whole experience he learned that he can love again. That's really what he needs to know. And after he walked out of this breakup of this dumping. There's a rainbow. And that was his mother telling him, you did the right thing by opening your heart.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure they weren't filming a Skittles commercial? I've been burned a few times.

[Teresa Strasser]

You thought it was somebody talking to you from the beyond.

[Bald Bryan]

I did and I realized it. Just shooting a Skittle. Shit. Yeah. Didn't know that.

[Teresa Strasser]

So if I see a rainbow, it's not Isaac Hayes. Tell me life's okay.

[Bald Bryan]

It could be. Or they could be shooting a Skittle spot. I got burned once, that's all.

[Teresa Strasser]

How did you know?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, to be fair. So I should have seen some of the signs. I was on a soundstage.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, there's that.

[Bald Bryan]

It was in front of a cyclorama. So I guess. I guess I should have known it wasn't what it was God created. I wasn't anywhere near waterfall. That's what you're asking.

[Teresa Strasser]

So there were basically a lot of signs.

[Bald Bryan]

There were signs.

[Giovanni]

There was a college age kid on a ladder throwing Skittles. And air too.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Again, there were signs. I'm not going to say there weren't. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. So he was devastated.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. And I had a good time just counting the number of times the word journey was used because there's a lot of. This has been an amazing journey. It's been a painful journey.

[Bald Bryan]

This, by the way, he's he will get the sympathy sex. I mean, he.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Are you kidding me?

[Teresa Strasser]

This Chris guy.

[Bald Bryan]

There's 10 million women watching this show going, I'll suck your dick, please.

[Teresa Strasser]

Your mom died. Suck it twice.

[Bald Bryan]

You got that?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bald Bryan]

Now, if that's over the course of the relationship, that's not exactly a bargain. I mean, during the wake, after the refractory period, and then again later that night. Or are we over the course of years here, T. Because again, that's not.

[Teresa Strasser]

In the Jewish religion. We have a tradition that for a year after a death, you. You know, you. You. You meet with a minion of people every day. You say cottage, you shall fall off for that year. I would do two first.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

Because that's a tough time.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't like the look of you.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, so he's gonna land on his balls.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, my God. He's really good looking.

[Bald Bryan]

He's nice looking. And his mom died.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

I was thinking of killing my mom when I was thinking just so I could get some pussy.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's tough to make it look like

[Bald Bryan]

it was cancer, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Hell, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

I tried to get her tumor out with a snow shovel. I'm no doctor.

[Teresa Strasser]

I just thought it might work.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I could pull off. My mom died. I think I could have pulled it off, like if I was dating somebody. Even if she lived in the same town, it's not like she would ever pop over. I brought you a casserole. You know, she might call once in a while, but I think I could get away with it.

[Teresa Strasser]

It seemed very clear, okay? They both have to meet Ali's family. And it seemed clear that her family preferred the white guy because he's from Massachusetts.

[Bald Bryan]

She's very Aryan.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay, now having an uncomfortable conversation with my mom. Mom, could you. Could you kill yourself so I could get laid? How would I know that?

[Teresa Strasser]

Do you think if your mom killed herself, that would get. Yeah, I'd still feel bad for you.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I just say she's dead, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

And. But then eventually they're gonna say, I'm so sorry. If you don't want to talk about this, fine. But I just want to know.

[Bald Bryan]

Auto erotic asphyxiation. Could we move on?

[Teresa Strasser]

See, it doesn't work.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, no.

[Giovanni]

Your mom would throw a fit if you asked her to drive to Van Nuys. What do you think you do if we ask her this?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, actually, I could do it by asking her for a ride to Van Nuys. Then she would kill herself. I could get laid. Yeah. That's all I have to do. Hey, Mom, Dad, I got a barn raising going on on Sunday. Could you come by the house? Boom.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, here's the thing.

[Bald Bryan]

We both eat a bullet.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's not so much that she died,

[Bald Bryan]

so it's clear that his family. Oh, no, her family.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm not saying that.

[Bald Bryan]

Wasn't into the. What's the guy, Dominican? Puerto Rican? Is there a difference?

[Teresa Strasser]

He speaks Spanish. I'm not sure what country he speaks. Okay, they clearly liked both guys. I'm just saying from my vantage point, the father seemed to prefer the landscaper guy a little bit, who is not the Hispanic, ironically.

[Harland Williams]

Yes, hello, my name is Graham Wellington.

[Teresa Strasser]

Liked Graham Wellington.

[Bald Bryan]

What are the chances that whitey's shuffling around the leaves, you know, well, call

[Teresa Strasser]

Ken Burns because times are changing. So she chose Roberto. It was all very romantic. And then they went on Kimmel and explained that Alex. Roberto explained that he wants. His mom wants a big wedding. 700 people.

[Bald Bryan]

Holy shit.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, she's 25 now. I. Can I say something?

[Giovanni]

We have to invite all his brothers.

[Bald Bryan]

Roberto's mom. Yeah. Seriously, the lanterns. With the cousins and the brothers and the nieces. Holy shit.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is horribly insensitive. But when Ally's family came, first of all, her mother couldn't have been sweeter, you know, and you think, oh, if I meet a girl, I should look at her family because that's. Should look at her mom because that's how she might turn out. Well, Allie's mom was just beautiful and sweet and smart. And her brother and sister were there. Now, her sister was a tad overweight. And it looks as though Allie may have put on a couple of pounds over the course of the season.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I say this only I know from experience that when you whip out the sarong, there's trouble.

[Bald Bryan]

Uh huh.

[Teresa Strasser]

You know what I mean?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it's. The porn has an equivalent of it. It's called the corset. Yeah, when you see the chick pull the corset out in the porn, she ain't hiding washboard abs. Yeah, something's up.

[Teresa Strasser]

There's trouble. That corset means trouble. And it's gonna stay on through the whole scene, right?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, yeah, I can jack around it, but yeah, it's staying on.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I noticed the. I hadn't watched the whole season, but blaster girl told me that she. She started out much, much thinner and she's still a very thin, very beautiful.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, it's really when they're sending you to all these exotic ports of call and it's basically just saying, look, here's some champagne. And here's, you know, sample the local cuisine. And here's a moped. You're gonna. I mean, imagine her tour of just basically chugging champagne and chugging cock for six months straight, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Punctuated by guys feeding her chocolate covered strawberries, right?

[Bald Bryan]

What do you expect on the end of their dicks?

[Teresa Strasser]

But it's weird because you think, oh, my God, what a beautiful girl. And maybe she's. She's fighting that battle a little bit, but then you see the sister and

[Bald Bryan]

you think, oh, is she a great big fat person? That's all right. That guy, that guy's a ball player. He'll keep her.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, he'll keep her in shape there. Well, congratulations to the happy couple. Now, the two lead stories today, Adam, were incredibly depressing. And I didn't know what to do. All right, I can't do both of them because it's just all gonna be too depressing, too dark.

[Bald Bryan]

So pick the darker of the two.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, here's the thing. I am gonna play Depressing Story roulette. In my right hand I have one depressing story, and in my left hand I have another. You choose. Right or left?

[Bald Bryan]

I'll go right.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay. Do you want to hear about the depressing story you will not be hearing?

[Harland Williams]

Well, Adam, tonight you'll not be hearing about a 34 year old Connecticut teamster who opened fire at a beer distributor, killing eight before turning the gun on himself. Let's find out which depressing story you chose.

[Bald Bryan]

Definitely not a Jew. Not only that, God knows how many kegs got fragged in this process, too. You know what I mean? It's a horrible blood and beer and it's fucking depressing death rut.

[Giovanni]

Guy's really upset.

[Teresa Strasser]

Fortunately, you didn't choose that, but what you did choose is six teens drown while waiting in Louisiana's Red River. I don't know if you heard this. Six teenagers from two families drowned in Shreveport. They were trying to save a friend who had slid into deeper waters. They were all black teenagers. And 70% of black kids have low or no swimming ability.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, no, you hear about it all the time where the guys, the college jock or he got. He got drafted by the Patriots in the second round and his girlfriend gets pulled out in the riptide and he just goes, it's noble. It's like this great thing of like, hey, man, I'm going in there to go get that person who's drowning, except for I don't know how to swim.

[Giovanni]

That happened at usc like five Years ago, incoming freshman, big recruit, was just out swimming one night, drowned. He wasn't drunk. They found him. I mean, they found his body later.

[Teresa Strasser]

None of these teenagers could swim. And a lot of their parents were there, and they couldn't rescue them because they couldn't swim. I don't know if you've heard of Cullen Jones. He's the first black Olympic gold medalist in swimming. He started this big movement to help teach black kids how to swim.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, enough with the wilding. Let's get to the swimming, everybody.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I guess a lot of kids don't learn, ironically, because they're afraid of drowning.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, there's a bunch of shit going on. I saw this whole special, and I saw this whole thing. I don't know if it was a real sports or what.

[Teresa Strasser]

It was about Colin Jones.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Going around and trying to get. You know, first off, these guys, they don't live in Prescott, Arizona. They don't have a swimming pool in their backyard. So they're not taught to swim. They're living in environments where there's no pool around. And, you know, growing up, we didn't have a pool. But your neighbor might have a pool. Ugh. You want to talk about torture? This is more depressing than the Red river story. I grew up, lived in my garage in North Hollywood with no air conditioning and no insulation. The neighbor to my right had a pool. The neighbor to my left had a pool, and the fucking neighbor behind me had a pool. So all summer long, it was just Marco Polo fish out of water. And I'm just sitting there fucking just sweltering in my mind, the one fucking house. The only thing worse than you not having a pool is everyone around you having a pool. So none of these people have a pool. And then it's a generational thing. Mama's scared to get in the water, so she's not going to get baby in the water. And what water?

[Shira Lazar]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

There's no water anyway.

[Teresa Strasser]

And it's culturally considered a white activity. And then on that special, I think I saw the same one. They went back and talked about how blacks and whites weren't allowed to swim in the same pool for a while, that people would consider the pool container contaminated.

[Bald Bryan]

Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. It was this incredibly racist thing where a black person would get in the pool and everybody would rush out and they. Where they were interviewing older people that

[Bald Bryan]

had, like in Caddyshack where the Snickers bar fell in the pool. I didn't say baby roof.

[Teresa Strasser]

That I can imagine. So it probably stemming from that it's

[Bald Bryan]

all, I'm sure, has a history. I mean, I'm sure it's an amalgamation of many issues, but it's time. And every kid should learn because I have twins and I'm busting my ass because the faster they learn to swim, the sooner I don't have to worry about them falling into the pool and drowning.

[Teresa Strasser]

Absolutely. And this should put in perspective the horror of your neighbors having pools and you not one of the mothers, Maude Warner of three three of these teenagers said, I didn't see my daughter, but I could see my two sons saying, help me, please. But she couldn't.

[Bald Bryan]

It's unthinkable because I remember, you know, I learned we didn't have a pool, obviously, but I learned to swim when I was, you know, four years old or five years old. You know, it's weird what we put an emphasis on in this society and what we don't seem to give a fuck about, especially as it pertains to kids. We're now getting into third hand smoke, yet school buses don't have seat belts. We're worried about gluten allergies. Yet half the inner city kids, not half, I'd say 80% of them would drown if they hit more than three feet of water. Doesn't it seem like we should sort of prioritize, really? Do you think your kid's going to buy it with third hand smoke or is it going to fall into a river or neighbor's pool or whatever and buy it that way? You know? You know, especially, you know, Tommy Lee's going to throw himself a barbecue and that's the last you're going to see your kid. I'm just saying, with all the fucking retarded PSAs about Schwimmer. Ironically, it's how Jews pronounce swimming. It just means swimming and Jewish and Jew Schwimmer telling you you can be

[Adam Carolla]

funny without making fun of someone else.

[Bald Bryan]

What the fuck does that mean, you ass wipe? And by the way, that's all you, you fucking did, was make fun of other people. Schwimmer did two things. He did two PSAs. Talk to your kids. He was in a sitcom where he was a deadbeat dad. He was the only person in Friends that had a kid, except for you wouldn't know it because he never fucking talked to a kid. He talked to the monkey before he talked to the kid, but he's going to. And he's going to tell you not to make fun of other people when he's always busting Joey and Chandler's balls. Shut the fuck up and start saying, hey, Schwartzes, learn to swim.

[Teresa Strasser]

Very derogatory term.

[Bald Bryan]

It is. But he's Jewish. That's the way he would say it.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's what he'd say.

[Bald Bryan]

I wouldn't say it that way. That's derogatory.

[Teresa Strasser]

You were speaking in the voice of Schwimmer.

[Bald Bryan]

Schwimmer Schwartz, Schwimmer Schwarzes Schwim. That's what that done. I'm just saying, wouldn't it be nice to teach kids? And then how about this? How about once these kids got yanked out of the water, somebody could perform cpr?

[Teresa Strasser]

Wouldn't that be nice if we all knew basic first aid and CPR and maybe had a swim? By the way, 40% of white children were found to have low or no swimming ability as compared to 70% of black kids. So a lot of kids do not know how to swim.

[Bald Bryan]

Tons of them don't. And basically, here's how we've addressed it. Put a fence around your pool. But then what happens is the retarded pool man leaves the gate unlatched and the kid wanders in and falls into the pool.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, there's a horrible story about, maybe you're gonna know it, a really famous golfer, I think his 5 year old fuzzy seller, no Jack Nicholas, maybe his grandson was over and they had, they did everything right gate up. I might be. Am I on the wrong golfer?

[Bald Bryan]

No, I know, I know what you're talking about.

[Teresa Strasser]

But they did everything right.

[Bald Bryan]

Payne Stewart.

[Teresa Strasser]

Somehow the kids still drown.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. No, listen, it doesn't take an hour to drown and it doesn't take a bunch of drunken parents that are getting high on the roof. You just turn your back for a few minutes and your kid drowns in the pool.

[Teresa Strasser]

Let's not worry so much about airplane turbulence or not making fun of people or loving yourself just because.

[Bald Bryan]

I gotta say this, you know, I get a little preachy and I ask my wife. I get a little bit loud every once in a while around the house. But dig this. When we had our kids, I put a gate around the pool. I made sure that I did a custom wrought iron gate that I fabricated. I made it look nice. I made it look like part of the house. And it has a spring loaded gate and that latches. But if you open it in such a way and close it in such a way, it's not going to be latched. Now we have, you know, the gardener and the pool man and God knows who else sort of running around the outside of the house all the time. And of course, every fucking time I would try the gate, I would realize it was unlatched and there's another gate that was constantly undone. And the gardener would constantly just. He'd go in, he'd undo it, he'd do his shit, and then he'd leave and he didn't give a fuck. And the gate was constantly open. And so. So with the pool man. And I would constantly remind Lynette, hey, man, you got to tell the guy, blah, blah, blah. At some point, I just fucking flipped out when I found the gate open one more time, which was, listen, you're fucking worried about giving the kids filtered water. You won't feed them tap water. They're eating their fucking gummy bear chewable vitamins that they don't fucking need, I'm sure have nothing but high fucking high concentrated corn syrup and red dye number two. None of this amounts to shit. What does amount to shit is they're gonna drown in the fucking pool because the gates I installed are constantly being left open by the semi retarded people we employ. Focus, baby. This is how the kids are gonna eat it. Don't fucking worry about the fucking radon gas that Oprah's telling you about that doesn't exist. And don't worry about the fucking microwave or being taken close to the microwave or, you know, the hyperallergenic pillows or any of this fucking bullshit that's been cooked over in the last. They're going to drown. And then they'll never even get to know that day of having cancer from eating the fucking. Drinking the fucking tap water from the LA municipal system.

[Teresa Strasser]

They had BPAs in their system and toxins and smushed heads.

[Bald Bryan]

The last fucking tap water they're going to inhale is the shit that's in the pool right now. Tell the asshole gardener, the fucking pool man, to shut the fucking gate. And by the way, you must patrol when the gardener leaves. You shut the gate, because that's how the kids are going to buy. And then I'm going to be doubly pissed because I had to build the fucking gates. And if I got to fish the kids out of the pool and had to build the gates now, now I'm going to be pissed on.

[Teresa Strasser]

I feel like that's going to really disrupt the. The sort of the beauty of your eulogy. It's gonna be like you're gonna start out talking about the kids, and then we're about to. All their beloved souls.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, right. And then it'll get their beautiful, pure

[Teresa Strasser]

souls, and then somehow it's gonna turn on. Lynette.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. Not making sure the goddamn gates were latched, but I'm just saying that's the society we're living in. And I think we do it on purpose because the part about drowning the pool is very real. It's very frightening and it's tragic and it happens. It's viable. The part where they're fucking drinking glacier water as opposed to LA municipal water, doesn't mean shit. And we all know it in the back of our heads.

[Ralphie May]

I'm Kiana, and I leveled up my business with Shopify. Once I figured out that Shopify was a thing, I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business. But Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy to use. It's like I can't stop. I'm addicted. Start your free [e-mail].

[Bald Bryan]

it's just one of those things that white people do. My kid has an allergy. Third hand smoke later, tap water later bullshit. Doesn't amount to anything. The pool will kill your kid. Fucking wake up everybody.

[Teresa Strasser]

Or your kids friend. Kids drown. They drown a lot. They drown in pools, they drown in bathtubs. They drown in buckets of water if you turn your back. Your kid getting abducted. Statistically, incredibly unlikely. But you're going to go to great lengths to have him fingerprinted and all of this. But what's really more way more likely to happen is to fall in a pool.

[Bald Bryan]

Why then, as a society, don't we work big to small Again, Airplane turbulence. You should fucking hope that that's your kid's biggest problem. You know, the third hand smoke. You know, Schwimmer telling you to talk to your kid or Molly Sims telling you it's all. It's. It's what's on the inside that counts. Shut the fuck up, you whore. Jesus Christ. And who are the cockwads that come up with this shit? It should all be about inflating your fucking tires and not having your kids drown in a pool.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's it. Between those two things, think of the lives that we could save.

[Bald Bryan]

All. I don't want to say all, but all the defective Firestone rollovers and the SUVs under inflated tires, that's when they blew out. What are we? Why are we so stupid? Why are we so dumb? As a Society. I think Europe does PSAs. Like, do you think that Europe has, you know, hey, I'm Gerard Depardieu saying talk to your kids. Really? No fucking way.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now what about the German guy from Inglourious Basterds to get him to do some psa?

[Giovanni]

Hi, there's Christoph Waltz telling you you may know me as the Jew hunter telling you to.

[Teresa Strasser]

I am the Jew telling you to file your nails.

[Bald Bryan]

How about you hunt down your kids and talk to them?

[Giovanni]

Hi, this is Javier Bardem reminding you.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm the guy from Flip the Coin guy.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, yeah. I'm that weird French guy who was in Mission Impossible and the Professional.

[Giovanni]

Oh, Jean Renaud.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm Jean Renaud. I'd ask like, you know, making fun of people isn't so funny. It's what's on the inside that counts. Like making fun of my huge nose or weird face or weird saggy eyes. All right, that's all, that's all I'm saying. They wouldn't do that, would they?

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't. I don't see it.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, no, let's so again, people. All right, fuck it. If you can't swim, stay out of the river.

[Teresa Strasser]

There you go.

[Bald Bryan]

Thank you. The more you know. Thank you. Sad.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, we have more news to come, but I don't want to delay.

[Bald Bryan]

I see these little Lampanella is going to be devastating.

[Harland Williams]

Teresa's news coming up. If you don't listen, you're an anti Semite.

[Bald Bryan]

While we're bringing in Lisa Lampanelli, let me tell you about our friends over. Go to my PC dot com. How does that work? Well, you can go to your PC from your PC or your Mac if you're on the road, if you're at a cafe. We've talked about it. You got to work. You want to access those files. You want, want to get to it. Well, you can get to [e-mail] It's a Citrix based company so it's brought to you by Citrix. So you know it's a name you can trust. Go to my PC.com a 45 day free trial for my listeners only. Go to my PC.com. use the promo code Adam. 45 days free. You can hook up two computers. You can have your home computer computer and your work computer access for free from any other computer. 45 days promo code Adam. Lisa Lampanelli. Great to see you.

[Shira Lazar]

Beautiful, Lisa.

[Teresa Strasser]

You look amazing. Congratulations on your wedding.

[Bald Bryan]

How's the marriage? Big Lou.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, it's Jimmy.

[Ralphie May]

Big balls right over There.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, Jimmy Big Balls. He's still got the big balls.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Is your mic on? Can I hear you?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I hear myself.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, okay. All right. Dawson shaking his head no for you.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Let's make sure we're turned on now.

[Teresa Strasser]

How's that?

[Bald Bryan]

I hear now she's warming up. Jimmy Big Balls is with you?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, he is right there.

[Bald Bryan]

And by the way, when you lose, he lost 60 pounds. He looks amazing, but not an ounce from his scrotum. So his balls even got bigger. Right?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Dude, every time I touch one, I feel like I'm Kobe Bryant getting ready to shot. Yeah, it's freaking. It's huge, man.

[Bald Bryan]

It's nice.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, I don't know if it's nice, but it's huge right now.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did you guys have a big wedding?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, it's October 2nd. We don't have it yet. Yeah, yeah, it should be great, but we're not having, like, any celebrities there because we don't have any friends.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know what I mean? We don't have any people who are that close to us who are celebrities, so it's gonna be a huge disappointment for everyone in my family.

[Teresa Strasser]

They think they're gonna be Howard Stern.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, yeah. Howard even said to me, he goes, please don't invite me. I go, no, I absolutely won't. I think that would be just a ploy for a gift because we're not hanging out buddies or anything, so.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, it'll be weird, but it's. I mean, there will be tears when the preacher says, lisa, do you take Jimmy Big Balls?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, those are really special values.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Bald Bryan]

And then they announce that thing. I introduced a couple.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

The guy does the first dance. Lisa and. And Mr. And Mrs. Big Balls.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know. It's gonna be.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, where will the big balls be getting married?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, you're getting married in the Friars Club in New York City.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, that's nice.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, it'll be really cool. It's great. But you know what? They were all soaking you. Once they find out you're a little well known, they like to soak you for some dough. Sure, I got this florist guy charging me, like, 67 grand, but I talked about him on Stern, got him down to 50. This is what he had to do.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, I had the same problem. And the problem is there's always some chick who, you know, who spent more, who says it's a bargain. So you go to Jimmy Big Balls, and you go, hey, man, $50,000 for the floral arrangements. And he goes, what the fuck? And then you go, you're getting. You're lucky. Sheila's wedding was 75. And then all of a sudden. She must feel good about it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Am I being obtuse or do you actually mean $50,000?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, I do. But also, that includes the draping and the. And the recarpeting of the place. Well, this is what I have such. This. This is the Jew who. The guy who runs it. Who runs the floral joint is this Jew guy I know from the Friars.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's why you chewed him down.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, exactly.

[Bald Bryan]

Maybe your hair hanging over the mic is what's. Oh, I'm sorry. Helping us. Give it. Give it a. I apologize. Give it a flick.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I shouldn't have got those extensions. All right.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, that's good.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Okay. Sorry about that.

[Bald Bryan]

The Jew guy.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, yeah. So I'm talking to him and he does the peninsula flowers, the Beverly Hills, you know, he does a lot of big places, so I should have known early on it was going to be a lot of dough. So he says to us once he goes, you know, it'd be beautiful if we recarpeted the Friars Club in Tiffany blue, because that's our cover, our color. He goes, don't worry, it's not expensive. Guess how much it was.

[Teresa Strasser]

How much?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

One room, eleven grand. I say, cross that freaking thing off. Jew bastard. Don't think that's not enough to me. You know how long it takes me to earn $11,000? 3 minutes on stage.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but I like the chicken jokes.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It is Tiffany blue and ivory. Sure, it won't be as beautiful as Roberto's and Ali's wedding. Oh, my God. I was skeeving. I said this.

[Shira Lazar]

I knew.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

She's a shallow. Can you curse on this?

[Bald Bryan]

Go ahead.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

She's a shallow twat and I'll tell you why. I knew she'd go for the good looks. Always go for the guy with the dead mother. Then you don't got a mother in law. Yeah, I got this Chris from Cape Cod. He's a sad sack. He's always. Oh, I love you. I love you already. How can he say I love you?

[Teresa Strasser]

He already asked the dad for the daughter's hand in marriage.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And the guy, the dad wasn't buying it. The dad, by the way, in his Hawaiian shirt. I know, like Mexican slipcovers.

[Teresa Strasser]

The mom should have taken care of that Hawaiian shirt.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know, I know.

[Bald Bryan]

Why isn't she straightening him out and then. But by the way. All right, you're right. No, no. Mother in law is awesome. Yeah, because you don't have some coming over the house for the next 20 years. Going meet. Loaf's a little dry, sweetie.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, yeah, it's always something.

[Bald Bryan]

Did you not use the bullion? I told you to use the lottery seasoning salt. You didn't. Did you get my email, sweetie?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Bald Bryan]

You don't have that cunt roaming around the house. But I'll tell you the. The bad part is, first time he. You. He cries.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, totally. Crier.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Don't. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Not just the first time. Yeah, the anniversary.

[Bald Bryan]

Die of tears and chiz. Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

But you know what?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

At least you won't sing like that. Freaking kids. Casey.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Casey was always singing.

[Teresa Strasser]

I just watched the finale. Was my first episode ever.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, what a freak. It was this guy. He kept breaking out in song and saying things like, hey, baby, it's my heart. Jump inside, stay a while. I swear to God, it was so disgusting. I would rather Chaz Bono.

[Shira Lazar]

Okay.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Disgusting.

[Teresa Strasser]

Hey.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, there he is.

[Adam Carolla]

There's Casey.

[Bald Bryan]

I wrote you a song.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God, he was horrible. This one's so bad. John Mayer wants to record them. Stinks. What can you do, though? I get caught up in those shows. Like, do you love those shows? You probably have more of a life than I do.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, what I do is I do the same. No, I do the same thing you do. I think almost every comedian does, is you sit down and you go, oh, for Christ's sake. Can you believe the View? Oh, the show. So this is horrible. Listen, sweetie, you see how bad this show? Four hours later, I'm still sitting there watching Hot Topics going, I would kill myself. Who watches this shit? I'm in day number seven. I've grown a full beard. I have to put a diaper. Adult diaper on because I won't get up and walk into the next room. But I announced it. I haven't. Who watches this crap?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I guess. I guess the answer's me. It's like, who watches this shit? Meanwhile, I'm reciting line in verse of every episode of the Bachelor ever.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, here's the thing. Like, I don't get caught up with the View because I hate all of them twats except for Joy Behar, who I find humorous.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

However, I got caught up in all those housewives on Bravo because they put a marathon on them.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And they. And that. They. They get very gangster on those New Jersey ones. So I get very into that because, you know, you got the blue balls guy. No, no, big balls. Not.

[Bald Bryan]

You better run like somebody threw a Grenade in your foxhole. Fucking. You're gonna get fragged. Yeah, I watch all this fucking. That's what I do, too. I watch the fucking Housewives.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I love him so much.

[Bald Bryan]

I sit there and it's like, you know, it starts off with me just one eyebrow perpetually raised. Okay, you know, this is bullshit. Who wastes your times? I can't believe you yenthas do this. This is what happens. I got to go out and earn a living. You sit around and watch this Bullshit. Cut to 15 minutes later. It's like, I think Bethany's being a bit. She's in the wrong. She's wrong. She should have never showed up at their island estate in Aruba.

[Shira Lazar]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

Unannounced. That was uncalled for.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

That was Jill.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm taking. I'm taking Bethany's side on this one.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I have to admit, I took Bethany's

[Bald Bryan]

side, too, and now I'm watching her give birth. Yes, yes, yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

No matter how scripted the Bachelorette is, you still find yourself asking, who's she gonna choose? Yeah. As though this were really a decision. As though she didn't know from the first day.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know. I mean, you see that hot Latino compared to other. Those are jerks. And by the way, where was the black contestant on the Bachelorette?

[Bald Bryan]

What happened? They usually toss in brother one bone. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Isn't that strange that they still segregate the dating shows?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yep. I feel Ally's a racist.

[Bald Bryan]

They usually. They'll almost always toss in a brother. And listen, if you're. If you gamble on it like I do. If you do, go to the sportsbook at Binions and gamble on this one. Put everything you got that the brother makes it past the first round.

[Teresa Strasser]

You can't get rid of him on the first chick.

[Bald Bryan]

That's going to go right up to the black guy and go, hey, Snipes, you're out of here. No fucking way. I'm not. My dad's from the Boston. I'm not going to have him bomb it all over the TV set. Here you go. Here's a black rose. Hit the road. It's so true. No, he gets eliminated in the second round, but you could never call him out of the first round because it's blatantly racist.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I would have loved it if they had a black little John or something

[Bald Bryan]

on with some guy with a chalice.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Drinking champagne out of a chalice the whole time.

[Teresa Strasser]

How did Big Balls get his nickname?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

He has huge balls. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not freaking kidding. You I mean, he won't really show them to people. He won't show them, but they are very enormous.

[Teresa Strasser]

If you had to compare them to.

[Bald Bryan]

You can Google Earth them if you want to see it.

[Teresa Strasser]

To a citrus fruit.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay. Like a mango. What? Each one about this big. Like a. Like that big. Is that true, honey? Yes, he's true. They're really, really big. And he says they get bigger when he gets sick. So he's gonna bounce all the way to the doctor like a hippity hop on these things.

[Bald Bryan]

It gets bigger. Let's he do a water displacement.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, no. Because you know what? You get feverish and then they hang lower.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right. Sometimes you'll get lower when you're warm. Yeah. Like, he likes a lot of air conditioning on and I get cold quickly, so. So I always turn it off. And he goes, honey, come on. My balls are stuck to my leg. You gotta turn the AC on. It's such a romance.

[Teresa Strasser]

When you met, did he introduce himself as.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

As Mr. Big Balls? No. Howard Stern actually gave him that nickname because of my big mouth. Poor Jimmy. He was just known as Jimmy before me. Now all that world famous big balls right now.

[Bald Bryan]

This is tough on his family. His brother Dave, massive foreskin.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, God.

[Ralphie May]

I know.

[Bald Bryan]

Brother Sheila, Hugh Jalebia.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. Again, it's embarrassing. It's tough, embarrassing.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now if the flowers alone are 50

[Giovanni]

grand grandma beef curtains.

[Bald Bryan]

Yes. Beatrice is not happy about this.

[Teresa Strasser]

No, not happy. That was a private thing for Beatrice.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God.

[Teresa Strasser]

This thing has got to be like platinum weddings.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's gonna be. Yeah, it's gonna be really elaborate and nice.

[Teresa Strasser]

Vera Wang.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, screw her. She only makes dresses. Were really skinny chicks, you know, And I'm not at that level. You know what I'm saying? I went to Kleinfeld's, you know, the Jew place where they have say yes

[Teresa Strasser]

to the TLC show.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yes. And they were very nice to me and. Because they know I have a big mouth. And I will talk shit about them like on the Tonight show or start. Dude, 20% off everything.

[Bald Bryan]

Really?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's the greatest. The impending.

[Bald Bryan]

Let me tell you how that works. Here comes Lampanelli. Raise everything 20%.

[Ralphie May]

You make a good point.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Them Jews know how to work.

[Bald Bryan]

I love the forgotten woman. That's my favorite fat broad place.

[Ralphie May]

Really?

[Bald Bryan]

You're naming it after what you are? It's already sad enough.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

The best was Dress Barn.

[Teresa Strasser]

Really?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Dress Barn went into it. They try to milk you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I'm telling you, it's freaking Horrifying Cow

[Teresa Strasser]

coming to the barn.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Is that disgusting?

[Teresa Strasser]

It's so terrible.

[Bald Bryan]

Dress barn. I got a big and tall place called Big sir that I'm in love with. I. It doesn't exist, but I want, I want to put on £100 just to open Big sir with the big, big fiberglass sequoia tree in front. You know what I mean? That make a guy feel good about himself. Spell sir. I don't know how they spell the sir in Big sir. Oh, we spell it differently. We do the sir thing.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, yeah, that's like a play out word.

[Bald Bryan]

Sir guys would feel good if it feels like Paul, the Paul Bunyan collection. You know, do the lard ass stuff. You know what I mean?

[Teresa Strasser]

Abe Lincoln was tall. Have a line of suits named after him.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, there's a really good store, really big, good big and tall one called Rochester's where all the football players shop at. So at least, you know, it's like, at least it's not just cuz you're a fat bastard, right? So you go in there and you feel okay about yourself.

[Bald Bryan]

Sure, sure. And you know all the models, by the way, all the plus size models always have a non plus size cabeza. The head is small, the face is not fat. They never have the fat face. They have the small face and sort of the wide ass, but they always have the thin, pretty little face. As a matter of fact, I would wager that if you took most of the plus size models and just did a headshot of them, you would not know there were plus size models.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, there's always one on Tyra's show and I can never tell which one it is because she's seven pounds more than the others.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, I know, it's huge. Well, you know, it's funny and ironic. Big balls before he met me, had done a few modeling gigs for this fat store called Casual Male. So then he didn't get any more work with them because then they started to use skinny models.

[Bald Bryan]

He worked for the forgotten Scrotum. I saw the catalog.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Isn't that terrible? Like even fat catalogs now have thin people people in them because they're like clothes just don't look that good on fabric.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, like, like imagine this with twice as much fabric, right? And you're fat ass.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And I like that they charge more for big clothes because you know, they

[Bald Bryan]

have to use more material, but they don't charge less. See, I feel the same way. You know when you go to the car wash and they go, we charge $3 extra for vans.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

But if you drive a Mini Cooper, they don't knock three bucks off.

[Ralphie May]

No, of course not.

[Bald Bryan]

You know what I'm saying? It should work both ways.

[Teresa Strasser]

Scrub.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

There's more of you to scrub. Charge more.

[Bald Bryan]

Especially when they're using that brush with the stick on it.

[Teresa Strasser]

The loofah.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. When the stick comes out. That's bad times. Yeah. All right, we got a couple of phone calls here. People want some relationship advice. I feel like. I feel like we're in a very.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, Lisa's on the cuff of married life.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yes. Very good at this.

[Bald Bryan]

Hey, Alex. Hello. You have a question? I do have a question. What's going on? Is this Adam? Yeah. You have Teresa and Lisa Lampanelli and bald Bryan. Oh, no kidding. Wow.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You're welcome.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. What's up? Well, I've got a girlfriend and she's French Canadian. Legitimate French Canadian. Speaks French. Her whole family speaks French. And whenever I'm around them, the switch mid conversation to speaking French. Uh huh. Yeah. They're talking about you, obviously. I mean, look, my grandparents who spoke Hungarian would do that. When they talked about a Christmas present or some bullshit that they didn't want the grandkids to hear about, they just bust into Hungarian. So you do that. You do it too. By the way, I do it all the time. And by the way, I. Well, I'd be saying I'm just fucking with this person in this room in French. Look at their face right now. Isn't it funny? They think we're talking about them. We are, but we're really just fucking with them.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

So that makes you think that you don't trust her? Because maybe her parents are just more comfortable with that language. I wouldn't say I don't trust her.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just more curious if it's something

[Bald Bryan]

that I should be worried about. Because, I mean, they won't just be talking amongst each other and then switch to French. They'll be talking to me directly and

[Lisa Lampanelli]

then accidentally switch to French and I'll

[Bald Bryan]

have to be like, hey, what's going on here? You know I don't speak that language. All right, I'll tell you what you should do. Tell them you bought those cassettes, Rosetta Stone and you've learned, you know, you ever hear those commercials, you can speak fluent Romanian in two hours. Like, you know that shit with the Rosetta Stone. Tell them. Tell them you now speak. You now understand French. You didn't learn to speak it, but you heard all the cassettes and you now understand it quite well, cassettes, whatever. Whatever they're putting it on these days, the eight tracks. The reel to reel point is, tell them you've gone through the Rosetta Stone series, you now understand French, and see if they knock it off in front of you. Either way. Listen, let me just say this. Hold on a second, you guys. Everyone back me up. He's 19, his girlfriend's 18. 19, 20. Remember when you lived and died with all that shit? Meanwhile, you went through 10 other people and then you got married and you don't even fucking remember it. And I wish someone would have just tapped me on the shoulder when I was going out of my mind when I was 19, or wondering if this was unrequited love or what's she doing talking to that guy? And someone should just. I wish I could have just come from the future, tap me on the shoulder and go, by the way, this relationship is going to last another nine weeks. So stop fretting, start fucking. Don't forget to pull out and enjoy. You know what I mean? You're 19. It's not going to last. I know you're not going to marry this person.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

At that point, though, you just feel like you live and die for that.

[Bald Bryan]

I know. Why aren't more people now? Maybe your dad should be doing this, but just tapping you on the shoulder and going, listen, nothing part personal, but you're not going to marry this person. Have fun, put on a condom, and you know what? Enjoy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right?

[Bald Bryan]

You'll be with someone else in six months and with someone else in six months after that. And eventually, God willing, you get married in 10 years from now, you're 19. Don't fret. All right, let's.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But they are talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, it's exciting.

[Bald Bryan]

You got one you like T? You see someone up there you like?

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, well, as a matter of fact, lying too. I think that's something you could address pretty personally.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, let's go to line four and talk to Nick. Nick. Hey, Ace, man, what's going on? I'm a big fan of the show. I've been listening to the whole network. I love the whole network. I love your show. It's great. Teresa. Brian. I love it every day. Thanks, Nick. What's up? You actually really stole my thunder because I'm. I'm an 18 year old in a relationship, actually, so. And your hormones are going nuts and you're all caught up and everything and what's up? Yeah, everything's actually been going good. My. My question was I'm going off to college. You know, in a few weeks. And my girlfriend, she's actually got me in high school. And, you know, a lot of people didn't give me crap because I'm going to be staying with her, you know, while I'm away at college. I mean, because, you know, I mean, I know that this isn't going to last forever, but I really like her. You're staying with her while you're off at college? Yeah. How's that work? Well, I mean, I'm only like six hours away. I mean, we text, I mean, we got video chat. I'll come back in like Thanksgiving or. So, I mean, you're staying together with her? Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's gonna be a long distance relationship.

[Bald Bryan]

Right. The problem with that is you're gonna see tons of hot broads in college. That's what I hear. Yeah. Yeah. And they'll want you that much more. More because you'll go, I got a girl back in my hometown.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm texting her right now.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah? Yeah. So the question is, should you stay?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Like, I don't know, maybe advice. Because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stay together with her, but. Yeah, but you don't really think you're gonna make it through four years of college. Or in your case, nine years of college. Nick. Okay, here's what I want to enjoy the ride. Well, here's what I would do. I wouldn't say I'm dumping you and I'm going off to college. I would just go off the cob,

[Teresa Strasser]

see how it goes.

[Bald Bryan]

And if some really smart, cute chick who sits behind you in your chem lab is just fucking presents herself to you and you just hit it off and you're both going and she invites you to go to the sock hop or whatever the hell you do in college, then don't fight it. You know what I mean? Let nature sort of take its course. Don't go to college going. I'm definitely not going to break up with my girlfriend. And don't go to college going. I'm definitely going to meet someone in the first semester. Just go to college and see what happens. Brian.

[Giovanni]

I will say too, as I remember, Theresa, back me up. There's no. There's no greater blizzard of hookup activity in the first couple weeks of freshman year because everyone's getting to know each other when new. You're all excited to be there from other places, drinking.

[Teresa Strasser]

But I like your advice. Just take it day by day and don't be tormented about what to do. You stay with her until it doesn't work anymore, then you move on.

[Bald Bryan]

Alright, we got a long distance now, we'll go to two. Hey Kurt. Kurt's taking a break in the middle of a relationship. Wants to know if it's healthy. Normally not. Sometimes it works in my situation, in my case it did work, but most the time when you say to your partner, let's take a break, it's for a reason.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now, by the way, Lisa, I don't know if you're aware of this, but Adam's now married.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yes, I do.

[Teresa Strasser]

And they've been married for together 12 years.

[Bald Bryan]

Between six and 10 years.

[Teresa Strasser]

And at what point did you take a break?

[Bald Bryan]

10 years ago?

[Teresa Strasser]

So a couple years into it.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, maybe a couple years into it.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

What was the reason?

[Bald Bryan]

I, I mean, honestly, my scrotum is so prodigious.

[Teresa Strasser]

No papaya.

[Bald Bryan]

Like really what it was is I met my wife right before I got famous and I wanted to know what it was like to be single and famous, right? And I don't mean, you know, go on a John Mayer, fuck a thon. I just mean live in my own house, drive my night. It was so. You see, you got to understand as a guy, you know, driving a piece of shit pickup truck in the Valley, living with a bunch of jack offs in a rented house in North Hollywood, having a job where you made $9 an hour, swinging it, swinging a fucking hammer, you never enjoy that life, right? And again, it's not so much about strange pussy, it's just about that fucking having some money in your wallet, having a car, having something in your glove box that says you're insured, driving something other than a piece of shitty Zuzu Trooper or Nissan pickup truck with a bench seat, having tons of roommates and shitty apartments. I just said, I want to know what it's like to fucking have some money in my wallet, a nice car in my garage and a house up on the hill before I get married. And I didn't even really think of it that way. I just thought, I just want to fucking. I said, I thought to myself, if I get married now, I'm always going to be wondering what would it be like just to be like David Schwimmer? Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, that's life. Well, like, did you bang a lot of chicks or not?

[Bald Bryan]

I had. I didn't go on a, I didn't go on a tear. But I fooled around, I moved around a little bit. I enjoyed. It was more like, it's weird. And I think life is a lot like this. It's the Idea that you can. It's not. It's kind of like. It's like a mixed martial artist. He doesn't beat guys up all day. He just knows he can.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, if I want to punch you, or I could kick you, or I could get you in a chokehold, I could do anything.

[Bald Bryan]

But Chuck Liddell doesn't run around punching everyone. He just kind of knows he can.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right?

[Bald Bryan]

And I sort of like, I was in situations where, you know, like, you're on MTV or you're on basic cable or wherever you're at, and chicks would hand you their phone numbers and, you know, say you want to party and stuff like that, and I was with someone, and I wouldn't do it. You know, Like, I just was. Like, I wasn't one of those guys that would take everyone up on their offers, but I just thought, if I get married, I'm gonna have this little thing in the back of my head that says, you know, what. What would it have been like to hang around? Now I know. It wasn't that great, right? That's fine. Now I know.

[Teresa Strasser]

So this turned out to be a really good decision for you.

[Bald Bryan]

I knew I'd be miserable either way.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. That's the good news.

[Bald Bryan]

That's the good news.

[Teresa Strasser]

Was there a moment when you knew, okay, this is out of my system? Lynette always has been the one for me, and I'd like to be. Be with her again. Now I've got to win her back.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, what you said.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Did you have to do a lot to get her to come back to you?

[Bald Bryan]

I had to pick up the phone.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

That's heavy.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

That's a. That's a big deal.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, right.

[Bald Bryan]

There was a liar.

[Teresa Strasser]

There was a couple women passed out over it. So you had to get to the receiver.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. No. You know, she always wanted. She. She always believed that we should be together, and she was right.

[Teresa Strasser]

She waited. She wasn't seeing other people.

[Bald Bryan]

No.

[Teresa Strasser]

If you found out she was, would you have been crestfallen?

[Bald Bryan]

You know, probably. Like, you know, most guys, you have that fucking double standard. But the reality was, is I. I didn't have. I didn't have a plan. That's the whole thing. Like, I wasn't like, we're gonna break up for a year. I'm gonna see people. You're not gonna see people. We're gonna get back together. That's bullshit. And that's. That would never work anyway. And by the way, I can't tell people what to do. It's like, look, I'm not ready to get married. That's it. I just felt pure and simple. I'm just not ready to get married right now. Might we get married one day? I don't know. But right now. Not gonna get married. I'm gonna. I didn't say I'm gonna be single for a year. I just said we're breaking up, and we just broke up.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Why didn't you just stay together and not get married for a while?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, we already were doing that.

[Teresa Strasser]

He wanted to be messing around.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You wanted to really have freedom and see what was. But that was at least an honorable thing to do.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Rather than cheating.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

But it wasn't. Yeah. And, yeah, it was. You know, part of it is messing around, and then the other part is just that thing of just, like, going, I just want to be single.

[Shira Lazar]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

Like, you know that feeling that. Theresa.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here's what I'm thinking about. And Lisa knows what I'm talking about, because Lisa's been different weight, and she's been this weight, and life is a lot different, and dating is a lot different when you're thin.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, I wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't call myself thin, but I can get whites now, so there is a huge difference. I got a white girl. Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, it's a different.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But also, I've always been more comfortable in a relationship than out, but I've always been in, like, crappy, codependent relationships from age 13 to 43.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Without a break. And then I had to take a year and a half off to be like, okay, I got to be alone, figure out what I want, and then attract somebody nice. And so I just have a bonus that he's good looking at. It has a big set of nuts.

[Bald Bryan]

But also, you do. You do realize. I do realize I love Lynette. And I. And I. And. And I love her personality. And that's what I wanted, you know? I mean, you do. You really have to. You know, if you're. If you're gonna buy a car, you should definitely go drive a few cars and then get back to the Lexus, you know? I mean, in a bubble, you don't really know how good that car is.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know you hear stories about people who marry their high school sweetheart, and that's the only person they've ever slept with.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

And then how do you not wonder?

[Shira Lazar]

Mm.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah. I mean, these. This kid, this 19 year old, you know, who's going to college, it's not gonna work.

[Bald Bryan]

But again, it's this feeling. It's this Weird, weird feeling. And it's not weird. I don't explain it. And I know it just keeps coming back to sex. But it's not sex per se. It's knowing that you're fucking in Vegas and you're hanging with the boys and you're pounding down some booze and you're staying up till 3am and if some chick at the bar wants to party, you don't have to do that weird fucking thing where, oh, she sent over beer and I don't want to think about this. And this is bad. You just party. Doesn't mean you're fucking. It just means you have that sort of freedom. Hopefully getting a blowjob, but you just have that thing where you're not looking over your shoulder and feeling like you're stepping out or disappointing or guilty or whatever. And I just wanted that. Like, hey, I want a year of travel and fun and fucking around. I got out of my system and

[Lisa Lampanelli]

well, it worked for you. Yeah, I don't think it's gonna work for Kirk from LA, who's 33. No, I feel you better break up now.

[Teresa Strasser]

Admit it, it's generally a bad. Adam's the rare person who pulled it off because remember when we were doing our KLSX show, I was dating a guy and I kind of knew something was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself. I didn't have the mango sized balls to break up with him. So I just said, let's go on a three month break and just to take took time off. They remember during it then he met somebody else and fell in love and then they got married.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

While I was horribly alone.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I never used to have the boss to break up with anybody so I would always behave like such a cunt. Yeah, they break up with me.

[Bald Bryan]

That's what I would do.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's usually a dude.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's horrible.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, that's what guys do. These guys just check out, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Emotionally they check out and they wait for their girlfriend to ask what's wrong.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

And then they do this thing where it's like, hey, if you keep this up, I'm going to dump you. And you get this response, what are

[Adam Carolla]

you going to do?

[Bald Bryan]

Like the light just shut off.

[Teresa Strasser]

By the way, this is nice. It should always be like this dim lighting. I have bluffed. It's a horrible idea. Like I really thought I'm just going to startle him, you know, into being, you know, present in this relationship. So just one morning he's reading his paper and I just was like, you Know what? This isn't working out. I'm going to call the landlord and we're gonna. I'm gonna move out because this is not. And I'm like waiting like, he's gonna leave across. He's gonna stop this because, you know, of course this is.

[Bald Bryan]

Who would let Theresa go.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, buddy, let me go. It was like the relief that washed over his face. It was like, wow.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I have actually wished guys in my heart would die so I didn't have to break up with them.

[Bald Bryan]

There is that thing.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I always go, why can't they just be killed or have a heart attack? And then I don't have to have the nuts to break up with them. But that's not a grown up thing to do. And I thought once that I was at, you know, when I took my year and a half off from dating and I started dating a couple nice guys here or there. And I said so maturely to one guy one day. This was. I was so proud of myself. I said, you know what? This just isn't working out. You know, I should be feeling more than I am after this long of a time. Like it was a couple months. I didn't feel shit. And I go, so I think we shouldn't see each other. And I was so proud because that's so honest. And he goes, what's the matter, bitch? I ain't ghetto enough for you? And I was like, oh, now I'm just gonna have to call you the N word.

[Shira Lazar]

Okay.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

He's like, but you're so proud. And then you go, but I'm. He's not even gonna appreciate what was

[Teresa Strasser]

often said, often if you're firing somebody or breaking up with them, they show you. You why you're doing it.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And how they're right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

This is why. Right.

[Teresa Strasser]

This is why I'm not feeling anything for you. Because you're a douchebag.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right? Totally.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow. Jesus. By the way, we have side of Colin Powell. None of us know

[Teresa Strasser]

it was colon. We haven't even talked about Lisa Lampanelli doing the. The roast.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, my God.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

How did that. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

For half a.

[Ralphie May]

Damn it.

[Bald Bryan]

How'd that go?

[Ralphie May]

It was great.

[Bald Bryan]

How was Seth McFarland?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Really good. I had.

[Bald Bryan]

Did he do a musical number?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No, he just. I don't think. No, no, he didn't even talk. He talked in a tiny bit of cartoon voice. Like one line, but the rest of it was like regular stand up and roasting. He's so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I thought he was gonna bomb. Only because that's not his venue. So I wrote like 10 lines to come up and say, wow, that would have been funny if it was done. Cartoon voice or something like that. But he did so well. I didn't know what the fuck to say say about him. It was really. It's hard to pick on a guy. He's good looking, successful and smart, and he dresses well, so what the fuck was I supposed to do?

[Bald Bryan]

And his hair looks good. I know because he had a fucking hair. I saw him Saturday night. Had hairdresser showed up at his house. You know, you've arrived. When the, you know, I go to. The guy from Fantastic Sam's doesn't swing by my place, I have to go to him.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well, you know, he. And that's the thing about him. I kept telling, texting the producer, Joel going, is he bald? So at least I could do a bald joke. Is he. Is his head huge? You know, because I heard maybe he had a big head and nothing. So I didn't know what to say. So all I said is, big. Amperseth, Ms. Marlin. His head is as big as my twat. And I figured I'd just get a laugh with the word twat.

[Ralphie May]

Thank God I did.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And I moved right on to Hasselhoff.

[Teresa Strasser]

Throw yourself under the bus. How was your Hasselhoff material?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God, it was really fun. Let me tell you something. There's so much. Cuz he's the drunk, right? You know, and he's got the hamburger video, he's got the bad acting, the bad singing. I mean, it's just like, oh, there we go.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, and get this. God forbid there would be a microphone in front of him that he didn't grab and start singing. He sings on the way into the roast, he sings on the way out.

[Bald Bryan]

It's insane.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, it's insane and crazy.

[Bald Bryan]

He did the. He did a pilot with me for Top Gear. He was the guest on a Top Gear pilot shot on NBC a few years ago. He brought headshots with him. Like it's the. It's the weirdest thing in the world. I got a fucking liquor store down the street from me. The guy begged me for six years for a headshot every time I came in. Mr. Adam, where's your headshot? I'm like, I don't carry one. I don't have one. I don't know what to do. I wouldn't walk around with a pile of headshots. There are guys he. He shows up, you know, shirts unbuttoned, down to the navel circa 1989. Really? You bring in a pile of headshots.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Wait till you see the outfit, too. At least it was like some kind of sharkskin jacket.

[Adam Carolla]

Who?

[Bald Bryan]

So. So first off, okay, how badly did you have to pee?

[Ralphie May]

Oh, my God.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I was just talking about that. Cause I wear Spanx and a lot of them. Like that bitch on that New Jersey Housewives. You know, the red headed one. She had to wear 12 Spanish bangs. I wear a lot to suck me in and give me a waist. Right, right. So you can't get them off. So the whole time I'm like, you know what? And you start getting a headache, and then you start getting hungry because you forgot to eat, and it's the worst thing ever. But thank God I went first.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, you went first? Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I'm like, I'm not doing last again.

[Bald Bryan]

Everyone uses your jokes up. I mean, how much hamburger jokes? I mean, it's impossible.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And it used to be, no lie. When I closed a room roast, I would have 30 pages. Double space this time, nine. And I did every single one of my jokes. Seth did step on one of my Holocaust references because he's big in Germany, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But I did it anyway. I plowed through the easiest roast for

[Teresa Strasser]

me, because you were first and you

[Bald Bryan]

had everything, and you don't have to just sit there and stew in your Spanx.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Wow.

[Bald Bryan]

I was anyway waiting. Wait, no, but no, it's horrible.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's horrible there. And Adam, watch any roast, if you. If they show a wide angle shot, you will always see me going like this. Writing, writing, and just going, I'm gonna kill myself. Because, you know, all these guys are good. Sure is good.

[Bald Bryan]

Geraldo's great.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God. So it was really.

[Teresa Strasser]

Where were you for Joan's roast?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, okay. Well, I had been roast master for Larry the Cable guy, like six months before that.

[Bald Bryan]

Be on your tombstone.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's a resume. That's what we call a resume changer. So I done that, and then the Joan Rivers roast came up. But I was, like, really busy with, like, this other stuff. And I was like, they're not gonna let me be roast master. I really don't want to do it. It's not worth my time. So I twittered, like, somebody said, are you doing the Joan Roast? I said, no, if I can't be roast master, I really don't want to do it. I have other things to do this summer. Well, there's an onslaught then of hatred towards me because I'm a diva. And I'm like, fuck all you constant. Because let me tell you, I get to say no. I get to not say yes to everything. And by the way, Adam, I know what shows are not going to get ratings. I knew in my gut this Roast of Joan will not get anybody to watch it. That's nice. Three old people in four fetch.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, it's. It's sad.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

He's gay.

[Bald Bryan]

It's sad. But, you know, you roast one of the blue collar guys and it's the highest rated thing on Comedy Central.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, Jeff Foxworthy's still the highest rated sad testimonial.

[Bald Bryan]

But yes, Pam Anderson.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Pam Anderson was the second highest, I think. And, oh, no, Flavor Flav was the second highest. I think the classier you are, the higher the ratings.

[Bald Bryan]

So how I did Pam, I did Carson Daly, by the way, and I think that was MTV and Hugh Hefner, but. And it's its own little animal, those rows. When does it air?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's August. Sunday, August 15th. And Comedy Central.

[Bald Bryan]

How much now? How long was the actual roast and what will they cut it down to?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I think it was not that much longer than it's going to be really, like maybe two and a half hours. And I think they do it for an hour and a half.

[Bald Bryan]

So Dick Gregory didn't do an hour and fucking 45 minutes on what a social pioneer Hasselhoff was.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No. You know what's so funny about this? This was the first roast I've ever been at. Because you were at the. Pam won. And you know how much a few people sucked ass. No one sucked.

[Bald Bryan]

Well, I think they finally weeded out. And also, and you tell me, because it is weird in life how you would think. Like one time I took a flight to Denver and it was on a smaller jet, and as we're preparing to land in Denver, the landing gear was a little bit sticky, and when it came out, it came out with a pop. You know that thing where they activate the landing gear and it does it pop. And it popped. And everyone in the fucking plane went like you just when you're coming in and it's a little bumpy and you're a little on your nerve and you've lost your buzz and that pop everyone scared the shit out of everyone. Playing I got on the same plane the following day, took it back to la. I was waiting for the pop. And sure enough, it popped. And sure enough, everyone in the plane went again. And I thought, why the fuck doesn't the cunt stewardess say you're going to hear a little pop, don't be it's just the landing gear. Nothing's wrong with the plane, right? And the roast people do 25 minutes, and they're only going to use four minutes or three and a half minutes. Why doesn't some executive from Comedy Central or wherever say, listen, everyone, please, I swear to fuck, if you go over eight minutes, we will pull the fucking mic out from your hand. Like, listen, come up with your best ten jokes. Do them. Let's not have to edit out all your shit.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I agree.

[Bald Bryan]

Nobody wants you up there for 23 minutes. Fucking scatting and improving, working the crowd.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

They do that with me. I know they timed me two days in a row and to cut it down to seven and a half, you know, so they were pretty strict with me. But there's some people, I think they're just afraid of alienating, and they're like, you know what? Better we don't, like, drill them.

[Bald Bryan]

But nobody wants to hear Eddie Griffin get up there and go, who the fuck we roasted?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God.

[Bald Bryan]

Who is the fuck is that? What's going. And you realize I did it with, like, Eddie Griffin. I realized I don't think he knew who he was roasting.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Blacks are off. No, this is not racist, because the only black on the day is for David Hasselhoff with George Hamilton. But they black. I've done roasts with black people. We did a bunch of roasts for Howard Stern, and we roasted Daniel Carver, the KKK guy, and he had a bunch of black guys doing it. I don't think black guys, I mean, really know the roasting art. Like, unless they really have studied it.

[Bald Bryan]

I, I, I. It's gonna start off bad for the blacks, but if Ken Burns is listening and loves the blacks, it's gonna come around. I've said it a million times. The blacks have the improvised gene, and the Jews have the prep gene. The Jeff Rosses and the Sarah Silvermans are all working the fuck out of their jokes before they get out there. And the aforementioned Eddie Griffin and the aforementioned Dick Gregory are scatting. And it's good for jazz music. It's not good for roasting, right? You want a whole dais filled with

[Teresa Strasser]

juice or you get a Lenny Kravitz, right? I mean, you get half and half.

[Bald Bryan]

There's a guy who can read music and jam. I, I don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

The point is, isn't rap music really roasting a lot of times? Aren't you essentially roasting some other rapper?

[Bald Bryan]

And the problem with the roast is you can rap in time. You can do it on the court. You can do it with a trumpet in your hand. And the roast feels like you can do it, but you can't. You think, you know what? I'm funny. I'm a stand up. I've done tons of crowd work. I'll just fucking get up there and it'll start flowing for some reason. It ain't that. It's not even doing panel on a talk show. You can do panel on a talk show and just have some beats and just flow with it and improvise and what have you. The roast is its own animal. If you don't prepare, it will eat you.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God. Yeah. This one, everybody was prepared.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. How long did you spend on your Hasselhoff jokes?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, my God, like a month. You. You really to do this? Well, you have to prepare a month, you know?

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And you have to like Comedy Central. So they have writers for all the celebrities, you know, like Pam Anderson, Jerry Springer, Hulk Hogan, who is hilarious. The only one did kind of lousy, but they'll edit it to look good. Jerry Springer was a little bit, like, stuttery.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But it's not like he has a TV show every day to practice. Oh, yes, he does.

[Bald Bryan]

Wait a minute.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I know. So it's ridiculous, but they prepare for those people. But we really have to work on our own stuff, you know, hire our own people to help us when we're stuck. So, yeah, it's. It's a big ordeal.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And did you get picked on much? Oh, my God.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It was like the Lisa roast. It was the best night of my life. But can I tell you, Adam, I don't lie to you. I told this. I tell this. Some of them jokes hurt my feelings, but may I tell you, this roast, the jokes were so funny, nothing hurt my feelings. I couldn't believe it. If the joke's good, I don't care if it's a fat joke, an ugly joke, a cunt joke. If it's well written, I laugh my ass off. I cried when Gilbert Gottfried made fun of me. It was the funniest thing ever.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. So they're.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

If they're good, they're good.

[Teresa Strasser]

Is it flattering even? Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Because the most more stage time you get, the more famous you get and the more tickets you sell to your show. You've never been in November.

[Bald Bryan]

More delighted to be called a fat cut. Yeah, it's the ultimate flattery.

[Adam Carolla]

Huge.

[Bald Bryan]

No, you. You just sit there. Well, first off, all those things you suspected about yourself that you thought no one else really knew. Yeah, Whatever it is. If you've got a weird hairline or bad hair plugs or big teeth or fat face or whatever the bad scam, whatever it is, whatever you think that other people somehow is flying under their radar. Oh, no, you will hear all about it. But I would just have to sit here and hear 2000 butt fucking Jimmy Kimmel jokes.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know I did that to you? Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I mean, it was great. My best thing I ever said to you was, could you have been on Baywatch? No, because to see you in a Speedo would look like a squirrel fighting its way out of a Crown Royal bag. That is the best fucking joke.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, but it's. If you're in the dais, you're gonna get. You're gonna get it. It's. It's essentially Hasselhoff is ground zero, but you're in one of the neighboring buildings. You're going down two. It's just you get to see the first one go down on your way down. That's really how it's.

[Teresa Strasser]

Did anyone's feelings get hurt? Yes.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Someone almost cried. It was really. I mean, it was retarded. Okay. There are things when you're a woman comic. You or a woman on a dais. You know, there are five categories for women, right? You either say they're fat, ugly, who are unfunny or stupid.

[Teresa Strasser]

Three times fool.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I'm smart. I'm not. I'm funny. And I'm not really a whore anymore. So I get the fat and ugly.

[Bald Bryan]

At least. Fat and ugly.

[Teresa Strasser]

But you're not a five tool player, right?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I'm two. Poor Pam Anderson for some reason. Wait, wait, wait.

[Teresa Strasser]

There's old. Did you throw in old?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But for some reason, Pam does not understand why people joke about her stretched out twat. And I put that in quotes because I don't think she really has a stretch out twat. But they joke about it because it's a broad category. You know, what else are you really going to say about her? She still looks good.

[Teresa Strasser]

She's been with a guy, with a dude.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

She got a huge cop. So you know what? But she, every time somebody said it, she would look at me or at Hamilton or at somebody else and go, are you kidding me? I will never get a date after this.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

And I'm going through. Yeah. Really? That's going to discourage, you know, mediocre Rob.

[Bald Bryan]

We got Tommy's together with Jimmy's ball. Oh, my God. Ultimate crime fighting duo. Take over the city, send up the cock and ball signals. Oh, the fucking joker's taking over Gotham bank again.

[Teresa Strasser]

Would that be like a murderer to

[Bald Bryan]

the cock and ball mobile?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, it just, it just astounds me how you're shocked when you're made fun of. What do you think's gonna happen? You know, I actually went to therapy a week before the rose and talked

[Bald Bryan]

about tried to bang some therapy.

[Teresa Strasser]

Totally have to bank it.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Know something traumatic definitely, because I know most of the guys don't mean what they say, but it's so like, you know, I was like, oh, if it's not funny, it's gonna hurt my feelings. And thank God it was really funny.

[Teresa Strasser]

You actually went to a preparatory therapist.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh yeah. And I was like, look, man, I'm working on myself so hard with the weight, I'm trying to lose weight, blah, blah, blah, blah. But they're gonna say I'm fat and I'm a cunt and everything else. And you just go, eh, you know what I'm saying? So much worse about them.

[Bald Bryan]

And also I forget that it was interesting, the role playing with the therapist, the guy with the jacket, so hook nose.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wow.

[Bald Bryan]

Hook nose. Now stop blaming your parents, you smelly cunt.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Now I'm a smelly. What just happened?

[Bald Bryan]

When are you gonna get your fat ass self actualized?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's so true.

[Bald Bryan]

So true. Well, I have, I, I remember poor now. Now you can get sort of fragged by other people when you're up there, or you can do what Courtney Love did to her drunken ass when we did Pam's rose, which is she kept like standing up. And so essentially whoever's up on stage, you know, you're a cougar on a trail and people are just sort of joggers and you're looking for movement and all of a sudden you're talking about Pam Anderson. But Courtney loves Stan style up behind.

[Teresa Strasser]

You gotta take her down.

[Bald Bryan]

You gotta fucking take her down. And I said to Courtney about the fifth time she stood up and sort of threatened to pull her shirt off or something. I said, courtney, it's gotta be really confusing because you spend spent the better part of your early career on stage with everyone yelling show us your tits. And now you stand up and you pretend to flash and everyone yells dear God, no. And starts running for the exit like you know you fucking slid off the deep end. When you're threatening to pull your shirt off as a chick and a bunch of guys at spring break are going, no, ma', am, ma', am, put the blouse down and walk away.

[Teresa Strasser]

Lisa who was it that said to Courtney Love, you look worse than.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I think it was Jeffrey Ross.

[Giovanni]

That was still. That's the best joke in recent wrestling.

[Bald Bryan]

Gilbert Godfrey did 20 minutes on 911 days after 9 11. I mean, the Hugh Hefner roast was. It was in September, I swear to fuck. I mean, I think it was October 1st. October 1st. It was not three weeks from 9 11. He did 20 minutes on, you know, burning flesh and guys jumping from building.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, he said something like, I was going to take a flight, but it didn't. It stopped at the Empire State Building or something. And like, everybody goes, too soon. And they're just screaming, too soon, too soon. And I wasn't even a comic back then. I was, like, just sitting in the audience and, oh, my God, he goes right into that Aristocrats.

[Bald Bryan]

And that's when he got into the Aristocrats.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know that Aristocrats joke. That was brutal, man.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah. And I'm sure you saw dick Gregory do 20 minutes. Oh, my God, how horrifying. Hefner being a racial pioneer, right? Anyway, Lisa Lampanelli headlining Club Nokia, by the way, in LA. Saturday, November 20th. Two shows, by the way. You know, you've arrived. 8, 10, 30. That's a nice sized venue. Also, August 5th in Cape Cod and August 6th at the Hampton Beach Casino and the 7th at the Newport Yachting Center. Very fancy. Lisa's book, Chocolate My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks, comes out in paperback September 14th. Speaking of books, we went ahead and released another 2500 book plates for my book, which is not out yet, but God bless our goddamn listeners. You know what? We were up in the top 15 of Amazon Best sellers. We were falling off into, like, the 80s and 90s. I mentioned it popped us right back up again. Thank all you guys again, again. If you want to get the book and you want to get the book plate, it's like 13 bucks on Amazon. Get it now? Again, we only have 2,500 left, and probably 500 of those have been sold, so hop to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Also.

[Bald Bryan]

Ah, that's right. Stitcher, our new partner for your iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, or Pom. Stitcher.com. no downloading. You know, syncing. You stream this show, you can get this show. You can download it. It's an app. It's free. It's a free app. And you'll hear the exclusive content, which I'm gonna do in about 10 minutes.

[Giovanni]

Bonus content.

[Bald Bryan]

Bonus [e-mail]. so until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Bald Bride, Our lovely friend Lisa Lampanelli. And of course, the Lisa Strasser saying mahalo.

[Harland Williams]

And now, Stitcher Radio presents your Adam Carolla Extra.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, time for your bonus content. Thanks to Stitcher, I'm lazy. So I just kept Lisa Lampinelli behind because she's funny.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Sure.

[Bald Bryan]

Normally I make up shit.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

And I talk about it. It's essentially like riding a little stand up, little three minute stand up routine.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Sure, sure.

[Bald Bryan]

I thought Lampanelli's here.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I'll wing it.

[Bald Bryan]

Let her do the heavy lifting.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

What do you want to know? Tell you anything you want to know.

[Bald Bryan]

Give me a couple jokes from your act.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Okay. For my act?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah, why not?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh, okay. All right. Well, let's see. I talk about getting married and I say, you know what the difference is? You know what difference? Because seriously, how different is it from going to dating a black guy to dating a white guy? Am I right? Did you know people go someplace between 9 and 5 every day? I have no idea.

[Bald Bryan]

I don't go right from black dudes to white dudes because I'll get the bends. I stop at Puerto R. They are

[Lisa Lampanelli]

the gateway drug of the.

[Bald Bryan]

Because otherwise it's like coming up too fast from a dive. You get nitrogen bubbles in your bloodstream.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's also on the weight loss scale. It's like you get the blacks first when you got the big ass, then you a little bit of weight loss. You get the lighter spicks, then you get a little bit thinner. You get a chubby white.

[Bald Bryan]

I was thinking about the Kardashians.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

And I was thinking about their ass and how they huge asses. And then I thought, now this is a chicken or the egg kind of. Or this is the chicken or the waffle conversation. I love getting racist with Lisa Lavinelli. But what I'm saying is, does Kim Kardashian date black athletes because they love her ass or because she loves black dudes? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd blow Reggie Bush.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Bald Bryan]

And the new guy from the Cowboys ain't chopped liver either. Beautiful looking Nubian dudes.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

But what I'm saying is, is she's not black. She. Why does she like black guys? And maybe like, let's just say Asian chicks really appreciated guys with huge eyebrows.

[Shira Lazar]

Right?

[Bald Bryan]

I would. I would. I would. In horse teeth, I would probably. In a Jew fro and a hairy ass, I would probably just date Asian chicks as it'd be like, they fucking worship me.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

If you're. If you're Kim Kardashian. You have just brothers just literally worshiping your ass.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, you might as well.

[Bald Bryan]

Might as well.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Don't you think white guys worship her too? I mean, she's like beyond good looking.

[Bald Bryan]

White guys would definitely, definitely be into her, but she has her pick of the entire NFL.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Whereas if you're going. If you want to deal with whitey, like she's not dating Leonardo DiCaprio. You know what I mean? Like, there's some white dudes who throw a bone at her. Don't get me wrong, but I don't think every white guy would. There are a lot of white guys. It's too much ass for them.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

They could not handle that.

[Bald Bryan]

They don't have. They couldn't handle that much ass.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I can't even think of a. Other than a guy in sports. It'd be hard to say a white guy who could handle her. Maybe like a Vin Diesel type. Yeah, maybe. But it's not going to be him. Cause he's gay. No, I'm just kidding. Did you have a suspicion about him? Sometimes.

[Bald Bryan]

I always. Well, I have this thing about Vin Diesel. I have my suspicions. It's sort of like the neighbor who's the serial killer where you say he's real quiet and kept to himself. It was like, what's up with Vin Diesel? How come I never see him anywhere? I never see him on a show. I play in all the celebrity softball games. And not like, hey, you're on Vin Diesel's team this year.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, yeah. He's never.

[Bald Bryan]

He's never. I don't see. See him popping up at the Grove or anywhere. Like, where's Vin Diesel? Is he going to some sort of locker until they do? And then at some point, his agent is like, vin, we're doing Fast and Furious 9. Come out of your locker. And then he comes out. He does that thing where he sees daylight. It's like. Like in Cool Hand Luke where he's like, been in the hole. He's like, what. What day is it? What year is it? Just getting the slammed Acura. We're making another movie, and then he goes back into some sort of bunker.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Where's Vin Diesel hiding?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I don't know.

[Bald Bryan]

Is anyone. Is that a kind of thing where it's like, okay, you're friends with Howard Stern. I'm friends with Howard Stern. I'm friends with Jimmy. You're friends with Jimmy? Jimmy's friends with Howard Stern. No one ever goes, you know, me and Vin Diesel were putting back a couple of pints, and he said, I was Barbecuing with Vin. Vin Diesel. Vin asked me to come over to Martha's Vineyard and hang out. Who's friends with Vin Diesel? No, he's never been on this shop. You've been on the show ten times. Diesel zero.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Never.

[Bald Bryan]

Goose egg.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

William. What's weird though, because I was on the Tonight show with him because he was doing the Fast and the Furious. Not to be confused with Fast and Furious.

[Bald Bryan]

IQ audience. It will never, never confuse the two.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, he's one of those guys who I was really, you know, I wanted to. I'd heard rumors and the community. And by that community, I mean the queens. And they're like, oh, we. I bet he's gay. And I was even scared to make fun of it even if it wasn't true. Cuz I figured it's such a sensitive thing with him because so many people accuse him of that.

[Bald Bryan]

Right.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know what I mean?

[Bald Bryan]

Well, you've not met his wife, Lynn.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Is he married?

[Bald Bryan]

No, I just think it'd be funny if he's married to Lynn Diesel.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Oh yeah, that would be good.

[Bald Bryan]

I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Lynn Diesel. No, I don't. I have. I. I'd be scared to ask him what his sexual proclivities were.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Because he do look, he's not in a closet, he's in a vault that's under the sea.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

I've never seen the guy. It's. I like to just see him pop up on a commercial.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right.

[Bald Bryan]

Hi, this is Vin Diesel for Proactive. You know, I used to have bad trouble skin with an oily T zone. Shouldn't he pop up somewhere?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You would think, you know, do you hate most of the people though, the celebrities that you run into? Because every time I do the Tonight Show, I meet the biggest A holes. He was very nice to me. He was super cool and I'm just joking about the gay thing, but like I'll meet guys who will not make eye contact. Nicolas Cage. I don't meet people who won't shake my hand. Kiefer Sutherland, he's.

[Bald Bryan]

But he's just.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But it's like, why?

[Bald Bryan]

Cage is just weird.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

He is weird. And when I saw him with those freaking blonde extensions, he looked like the Real Housewife of Orange County.

[Bald Bryan]

There's just something wrong with it.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

I wouldn't take that as a personal slight.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

I shouldn't.

[Bald Bryan]

I just think, I just think. Yeah, don't. Nothing personal. I've never met him. He just, he's one of these guys, you know. How when guys are weird there, it's almost like it's a full time job and then they make you seem weird. There's a car that's my favorite car. It's called a Lamborghini Miura. He had a Lamborghini Miura sv. It's a million dollar car. And I know he had it because I remember when it came up for sale and it was, it was Nick Cage's Lamborghini Miura. And so I interviewed him on the radio phoner one time and I just thought well, we don't have anything in common and I don't know if we have, we're going to fuck the same chicks or any of that stuff. But I do know this. He did have a Lamborghini sv. He did have a Miura. I have a Miura. Let's talk Miuras. I'm sure he loves that car. So it's like I go Nick, you know I heard your Lamborghini fan had that Miura. How? Where did you get it? What's up with that? And he, he act like I flung over, flung open a shower curtain and screamed the Russians are coming or something. Like he was like what? I don't know about that. And I just thought really like you couldn't even lean up and go like hey, you have a mira. I had one too. Yeah, it was an awesome car. I'm sad, I'm sad. I think about getting another one. Like it's so weird. How weird? It's just weird. Full time.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

It's like they work at it and then they make us feel like cuz we're not weird because we're just like our sociable and can turn it on for the radio.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

You know, it's like. And we're not the genius types.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

We're not trouble, you know, God forbid, you know, miserable. Oh, fuck him.

[Bald Bryan]

Listen, and all those people, people where somebody explains that they're miserable as a defense for them making you miserable. That guy's a real dick. And they go yeah, but you know what? He's really troubled and miserable. Well good. Why doesn't he kill himself?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah, kill yourself.

[Bald Bryan]

Now I'm miserable too.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Bald Bryan]

Now two of us are miserable right now. I'm miserable and I'm gonna make someone else miserable. It's gonna be like that commercial for the shampoo and so on and so on. Yeah, yeah, fuck him.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Knock it off.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Well that's the thing too like when you bump into those guys. Because I don't live out here, I live in New York, we don't see anybody. We just have normal friends. But oh, my God here, when you do those shows, you feel like such a dick because you want to, like, kind of josh with them and make fun of them a little bit, but in a good nature way. And they are so guarded. Like, when Kiefer and I were on the Tonight Show, I had these really funny jokes written about how, what a drunk he was, right? And you think that's all out in the open. What does he give a shit, right? It was like something like, you know, you're drunk when Billy Joel takes your keys at a party. Or an Andy dick says, dude, you have a problem, and stuff like that. They were like, absolutely not. We cannot joke with him about alcohol whatsoever. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. Like, it's just. It's stupid. That's why I actually did appreciate the Hoff, because he said, no. I can't believe I just called him. I'm such an asshole. But he actually said, nothing's off limits. You can make fun of anything. Like, even the daughters, the two who were in the making.

[Bald Bryan]

I'm gonna watch that. Lampanelli, thank you very much, by the way. Website, give up, give a blast. Your website find your dates around the country.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Insultcomic.com Come see me.

[Bald Bryan]

Lisa Lampanelli.

[Harland Williams]

That was your Adam Carolla extra on Stitcher Radio. Every week, Stitcher will draw the name of one listener to win their choice of an iPhone 4.0, Android or Palm Pre. Email to adam@@stitcher.com for a chance to win. Winners will be announced on Mondays right here on the Adam Corolla Extra.

[Bald Bryan]

All right, this is Adam Colo Show 376 with Lisa Lampanelli, Teresa Strasser, and Brian Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming up next, we have another episode from 2010. It's Adam Carolla Show 459, featuring guest host Harlan Williams filling in for Adam along with guest Ralphie May. We have Shiraz Lazar on news along with Brian Bishop. Also 2010.

[Bald Bryan]

At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Bald Bryan]

There were thousands, thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow, the 100, and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay never. Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there, mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online. So you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right. Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today

[Harland Williams]

or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam and that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam, Adam. Adam's on the road. So filling in for the ace man, comedian Harland Williams. He welcomes comedian Ralphie May. Plus, Shira Lazar is back for the news. Bald Bryan's hitting the sound effects and they'll all square off against Harland in a round of blah, blah, blah. And now, Corolla's favorite Canadian, Harland Williams.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey. Oh, hey. Oh, everybody, welcome. Welcome to the Adam Carolla Show. And I guess I should come right out of the gate telling people that my middle name, it's Harland Carolla Williams. And it's fitting that I'm hosting the Adam Carolla show. Because what people don't know is when Adam was a young lad in Vietnam, back in the 60s, he got into some hijinks, had himself a little Vietnamese kid, and here I am.

[Giovanni]

So I'm glad you're here to tell us this story. I've heard Kirill tell every story. I thought, well, this is news to me.

[Adam Carolla]

This is like a secret, right? And so it's fitting that finally Daddy lets his boy get behind the mic.

[Shira Lazar]

That's really nice of him.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't that nice?

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's touching. I don't mean to start the podcast off with weeping.

[Shira Lazar]

You've been behind closed doors for too long.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It's my coming out day, Daddy. Thank you. Wherever you are. I think I don't even know where daddy is tonight. Where is Daddy?

[Harland Williams]

Daddy's in Palm Springs.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, now I. Now I get it. Ah, Palm Springs.

[Bald Bryan]

Ah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I want to talk about something right out of the gate that's been bugging me. Do you have a cat or a dog?

[Shira Lazar]

I've. I'm around a cat a lot. Yeah, a cat.

[Adam Carolla]

A cat. Okay. You've probably seen this. I'm sure all the listeners out there have heard this or seen this. I should say. When a cat skids across your living room carpet on its butt, you know what I mean? It puts its two front paws in between its back legs and it pulls itself across.

[Shira Lazar]

But your dog did that too.

[Giovanni]

That on this very carpet.

[Adam Carolla]

It did it right three hours ago. It did like it. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Last night.

[Adam Carolla]

It's unbelievable.

[Giovanni]

Dragged his ass.

[Adam Carolla]

It threatened. They wiped your ass.

[Giovanni]

Why did you scratch your ass?

[Bald Bryan]

For your adult superpower.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they're wiping their ass.

[Teresa Strasser]

They are probably.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's like your pet does not have the right to do like chocolate crop circles on your Persian rug. Man.

[Giovanni]

A I detect from jealousy, part two. How else would you do it if you were a dog?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the thing. No other creature wipes their butt that way. I've watched countless miles and miles of Discovery Channel footage. I've never seen a lion scraping his arsehole across the Serengeti. I've never seen a zebra doing crop circles in the. In the.

[Shira Lazar]

Well, you're not around them enough.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I've never. Have you ever seen any other creature pulling its arse ring along the crust of our planet?

[Lisa Lampanelli]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I think animals are like? You know what? I'm spoiled. You didn't give me a bone last week. I'm doing a chocolate donut all over your brand new raw.

[Shira Lazar]

Maybe it's like a sexual thing. Like it's a turn on for animals to do that.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wow.

[Shira Lazar]

It's like rug burn.

[Adam Carolla]

But you know what, though? If that was the case, there's a picture of it I love. That's exactly what it is.

[Shira Lazar]

Weird.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing. If it was a sexual thing because humans are deviants and if there's anything to do with sex, we figured out. I've never had a model over at my house on a Sunday night cranked up on tequila, scraping her ass around in circles on my IKEA rug. Have you?

[Shira Lazar]

You're not hanging out with the right women.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, if my dog puts a plastic bag over his head and then does it, I'll know Something's upsexual.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that? Is that. What's that called, that Erotic asphyxiation?

[Giovanni]

That's how Michael Hutchins bit it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how he bit it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah. That's not the way to go, man.

[Giovanni]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, if you gotta go, you should go. Like, it should be some kind of pleasure involved, but to do it to

[Shira Lazar]

yourself and someone finds you like that.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're hanging there with a leather strap around your neck and a boner, it's just not the way to be found.

[Giovanni]

Chances are, the boner.

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah. You don't even have a boner. That's the sad part.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but don't you. When you die, don't they say everything freezes? Like they say if. If a guy's holding a gun when he dies, it's almost impossible to pry

[Shira Lazar]

it out of his limbs. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

His limbs become very.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you get, like, rigor mortis? So once your erection just stay there, and then you can never close the poor guy's coffin. I'm just asking.

[Giovanni]

You have to get a specially made coffin just for those with a glory hole in it.

[Adam Carolla]

You need a coffee with a coffin with a glory. An auto asphyxiation hole. And here's the other thing that's driving me nuts. Do we have time for this? Because this is killing me.

[Giovanni]

Tons of time.

[Shira Lazar]

We have a lot of time.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, I feel like a doorknob, but you guys have to back me up on this, okay? We all have ATM cards. We all have Visa cards, credit cards. I go to the ATM machine. I go to the ticket thing at the movie theater. I go to the grocery store line. I, after all these years, do not know the right way to swipe a GD card. When I'm leaving a parking structure, does it go in? Does it go sideways? I don't know. Do we have a swiping noise?

[Giovanni]

And some machines take it from you. You don't do the swipe. You just suck it in. And they do the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate it. And you put your thing in backwards. And I did one today in a parking meter. And I put my thing in upside down. And you can feel the numbers grinding. It's sickening.

[Shira Lazar]

Yes, Right? I never thought of that. But that happens to all of us. Like Virgin America. You have to swipe it. There was a girl next to me when I was flying the other day, and she couldn't swipe it. It's almost like as much as we use these cards, we haven't learned it's ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

I would be happy to have a card that just says, this side up, dumbass. You know, or something. There's gotta be something. Nobody knows how to swipe their card.

[Shira Lazar]

You should create a credit card called the Dumbass Card.

[Adam Carolla]

Dumbass.

[Shira Lazar]

People would still buy it. It's like FMX and MasterCard. I'm getting the Dumbass card.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. See, dumbass. Now we live in this world where everything' politically correct. I just found this out. You can't say it anymore. You've got to say mentally challenged buttock. Yeah, you can't say dumbass.

[Giovanni]

Dumbasses are offended.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're offended. So you gotta.

[Ralphie May]

Hey, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Mentally challenged buttock. Isn't that horrible?

[Shira Lazar]

Slow person.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, slow person. Slow ass. I saw a girl the other day. This is. We're, you know, we're broadcasting out of Hollywood, and I don't know if you see. I saw a girl the other day. Everyone's got tattoos. I saw a girl with a tattoo that said got milk on her breast. Is that ridiculous?

[Giovanni]

Did the other breasts say yes, say yes, yeast say yes?

[Bald Bryan]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

The other one said, got sour milk. But what was horrible is. Have you ever breastfed?

[Giovanni]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You never breastfed?

[Giovanni]

Wait, receiving or giving

[Adam Carolla]

when you were a kid?

[Giovanni]

I'm sure I did.

[Adam Carolla]

You did? So you don't. You don't know for sure?

[Giovanni]

I don't know for sure. I'm pretty sure I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. And have you ever breastfed?

[Shira Lazar]

I'm sure in the past.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I know. I didn't mean, like last Saturday night while you were cranked up on Kahlua.

[Shira Lazar]

There are guys, you know, that happens to.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

[Shira Lazar]

They have milk that come out of the nipples.

[Giovanni]

They lactate.

[Shira Lazar]

They lactate? Yeah, it's a symptom. I mean, it's not like it's not a disease or anything. It's just like it is to me. It is a syndrome of some sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if you errata affixed man boobs.

[Shira Lazar]

Man boobs.

[Adam Carolla]

And your milk spurts out when you die.

[Shira Lazar]

Wait, man boobs are like. You have more estrogen in that area. You can produce milk lactate. It's true. I've seen it on Discovery Channel.

[Adam Carolla]

Could you imagine, like, a baby suckling on a dude on his breast?

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Shira Lazar]

It's like Arnold Schwarzenegger in that movie where he's pregnant.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. And you'd have all that hair around the nipples. So it'd be like making out with a Lorax. A Dr. Seuss Lorax.

[Shira Lazar]

Those Are man boobs.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. All right. Do you watch the Biggest Loser?

[Shira Lazar]

Sometimes? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you. They just showed a picture of the man boobs right now. When you watch the Biggest Loser, the man boobs on that show are. They're beyond anything you'd see at a strip club anywhere. So why is it they can show giant man boobs that look like women's breasts on national television, but you couldn't show a woman's boobs?

[Giovanni]

It's a weird loophole. They should tile those out.

[Adam Carolla]

It is a weird loophole.

[Shira Lazar]

Double standard.

[Adam Carolla]

It's disgusting. Like, they. They will show us Johnny McChubby McCupcakes, giant dolly Parton size hooters with the hair and the moles on them, but I can't see, like a Victoria's Secret model fashion show where they've got their breasts out.

[Shira Lazar]

Life is not fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Life blows. We should. All right, now in protest, we should all rub our butts around on the carpet in circles. We better change the subject. I love it. So were we allowed to talk about the space thing or are you saving that for the news?

[Shira Lazar]

Well, we had talked about it yesterday, but we could talk about it because you're really into extraterrestrial stuff. So we'll bring that up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good. So we're gonna talk about that later on.

[Shira Lazar]

And I won't say I saw a comment yesterday in the comments. Well, today, yesterday on the Corolla web page. On the webpage, I read that stuff, you guys. I'm a web geek and someone said. I say. I said Nassau.

[Adam Carolla]

Nassau. That's what I say. Like the tropical island.

[Shira Lazar]

So is it Nest? It's a NASA. I might have said NASA, but said Saw. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I say Nassau too.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

But you're getting.

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah, it's a Canadian thing. Whenever I. I say something wrong. Yes.

[Giovanni]

Oh, that's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why we say Nassau, because Canadians are so, like, drenched in snow. Any excuse to take our minds to a tropical island with palm trees. We'll say it. And space is exotic and Nassau is exotic. Now, speaking of the government right now, even though I don't think I just said anything about the government.

[Giovanni]

NASA's a government agency.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, see, I did. And I didn't even know it. WikiLeaks.

[Shira Lazar]

Guys, I was gonna bring that up in the first news story. So if we may. Should we go to the news?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's go to the news. Because. But first, I just want to clarify before. Should we go to the news now. Is now a good time? Let me just Ask one question before we go to the news. And by the way, before we do all that, let me just say this is gonna be a great show tonight. I'm very pleased and honored to be hosting the Adam Carolla show. I've been a guest many times. So, Adam, thank you. Thank you to the whole crew. I want to thank everyone that's in here. And I want to say to everybody that I do a podcast of my own called the Harland highway that you can download, too. So I'm just loving stepping in and, and being a host on Adam show. And we're going to have fun, but I want to get back to the. Oh, and we're going to have a very funny comedian in later. Ralphie May is going to be coming in later on. So that's kind of the layout of our show. And we'll have some other surprises. But I want to get right back to the WikiLeaks thing, and then we'll jump into the news. I have One quick question. WikiLeaks. Does it not sound like the name of an adult diaper to you? Is that a brand name? Can I get that name? Can I copyright it? And can I start a line of adult diapers for terrorists? For terrorists.

[Shira Lazar]

Makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you. Are you peeing in your cave in your pants? Is. Is your burqa leaking? You need some WikiLeaks adult diapers, so no more ugly, messy burqa stains.

[Bald Bryan]

There is no racial bigotry here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. Well, let's do it, man. That's a good way to jump into the news, right? Yep. All right.

[Harland Williams]

From the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Shira Lazar.

[Shira Lazar]

Yes, there it is. The WikiLeaks, as you said, is still in the headlines after releasing even more documents. And now, though, today, new news concerning the site. It happens that Amazon.com was actually hosting the WikiLeaks site. Senator Joe Lieberman, an independent from Connecticut, had urged Amazon earlier to ditch WikiLeaks. He encouraged other hosts to immediately terminate any relationship with WikiLeaks, which he accused of illegal, outrageous, and reckless acts. A lot of people are calling, you know, WikiLeaks, like terrorists.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Shira Lazar]

Because of the documents they have released. And so WikiLeaks, you know, that was. It's a pretty interesting thing that Amazon.com sorry to interrupt.

[Giovanni]

As a representative of CBS News, refresh us all on the WikiLeaks and is.

[Shira Lazar]

Exactly. WikiLeaks is a site that has. I mean, they're a Gorilla, a guerrilla news site. They've, they released the Guantanamo Bay video. It was like a few years, a year ago. And then they released other documents. I'm like trying to remember all the document. Like they released 40,000 documents like a month or so ago. And they're always, I mean, like, they are, I'm trying to think of like they are like the tmz, it seems these days of these situations of like making governments transparent. They're whistleblowers. They're the modern day whistleblowers.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Okay. Is what they're doing technically illegal?

[Shira Lazar]

That's the big question. I mean, they get these documents. Well, the leak in terms of this, like the whistleblower in terms, this was someone that worked in the Army. It was an internal person.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. A young punk and pie. He's like a Norman Rockwell faced pumpkin, little kid with pink little cheeks. He looks like a boy in an army suit. And he's the guy that initially got the documents to WikiLeaks and then WikiLeaks

[Shira Lazar]

released about Iraq and Afghanistan and the war. And it was, they released all this information, all this confidential information. So it is a question, but for them it's not about, you know, it seems illegal or legal. It's about releasing information to the public. They're not making the decision of whether it's right or not. Right. They're saying the public needs to see it. You will then disseminate this information and use it in the way you want to use it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Shira Lazar]

And so the recent ones, they released I think over 450,000 documents that showed diplomats, like information between diplomats, a lot of the US diplomats that were told supposedly to spy on international diplomats. And it also released a lot of information about Iran and in terms of how basically the whole world wants us to go up against Iran and nuclear war. And there's a lot of stuff going on there. And it puts us in an odd place internationally because it's saying these diplomats were supposed to be like trusted. I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Shira Lazar]

And now they were told by Hillary Clinton, Secretary Hillary Clinton, to spy basically on everyone else.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what it does is it brings the US's credibility into play in terms of COVID information and classified information. And now other countries are like, well, how much can we trust the United States? And now we're not going to want to share intel because we'll be exposed. And so it's damaging. And now they're even throwing around words like espionage and all that. But, but this weird French. Is it some Swiss guy who, who runs WikiLeaks have you seen the guy Assange? Yeah, he looks like a Calvin Klein model or something sleek. There he is.

[Shira Lazar]

There you go. GQ model.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's got his. He's got frosted George Michael tips. Pre last Christmas I gave you my heart. And what they're, what they're doing now is they're trying to nail this guy on like two or three rape charges.

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah, you know, that's kind of gets obviously like undershadowed by all this or overshadowed by all this stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah, you wonder if it's, if they're real charges. But then, but then you got to go. If you're going to screw with the most powerful country in the world and do what you do, don't you think there's going to be some repercussions?

[Shira Lazar]

He doesn't care. But now they're going to be releasing documents from bank of America and they're saying this will ruin Wall Street. Yeah, that's the next big.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Wasn't Wall street already ruined about a year ago? I'm not worried about.

[Shira Lazar]

I know, but like this is going to reveal a lot. So that's his next big.

[Adam Carolla]

I just don't want anything to come out about me and like an ex girlfriend, you know, doing crazy stuff in the Motel 6 in Bakersfield. Don't be like this. So, yeah, it's, it's weird. It's kind of scary. But you know, you know what it does though, kind of, you know, highlights what a, what an era we live in, you know, as far as. There's very little you can do nowadays without being exposed. Whether it's top level government secrets or whether it's some guy at the mall like molesting cop on a feel or something. It's. Everything's out there. It's kind of scary.

[Shira Lazar]

It is scary because what. Can we keep things confidential these days? That's the question. I mean, what they hacked into. If you're a hacker these days, like that makes a journalist, right? Yeah, you could basically. Because journalists are supposed to break stories, Right. And so a lot of journalists are giving this guy crap. But you know, if they were given any of this scoop to any of this stuff, are you saying that they wouldn't have used it in a story?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. Well, the New York Times. Is it the New York Times or the Post? One of the papers published the documents anyway, so.

[Shira Lazar]

But they just. The whole thing is he gives it to, you know, the Guardian, he gives it to the New York Times. Another, A bunch of other international Newspapers. And he goes, okay, you guys make what you want of this, right? And you know, share it with the public in the way you want.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's on the Internet, so there's no hiding it. It's, it's out there. It's.

[Shira Lazar]

Everyone is trying to make it so like, you know, we shouldn't be listening to him. And he's a terrorist and he should be killed. I mean, I'm surprised people are after this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they can't find him now. They don't know where he is.

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah, Interpol is after him. It's the international police right now.

[Adam Carolla]

He's. I just want to find him so I can, you know, buy that name and start my adult diaper company. But the other thing that's happening with, with all this stuff is just makes you wonder, it makes you wonder about, you know, bigger places, bigger, bigger things happening in the world arena. Like apparently these documents expose the fact that China possibly doesn't really consider North Korea more than anything than kind of a thorn in. And it even hinted that they're not even opposed to north and South Korea reuniting and getting back together and consolidating. And when you hear stuff like that, you go, maybe it's kind of interesting that some of this stuff came out, but who knows? Who knows? It's crazy. And I think it's gonna change the way everyone does business. It's gonna change the way government does business. And things are gonna get a lot more secretive because of this, which is a good thing for the intel community. But is it a good thing for us as the public?

[Shira Lazar]

Well, are they going to become more secretive or just realize that they need to be transparent and that things will come out no matter what?

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point I think you gotta have secrets. Every country has to have a secret. If you get too open and too Lahti dots like that old theory, oh, we live in the neighborhood, we leave our front door unlocked, nothing will ever happen. Well, cut to Johnny, you know, Brazil balls coming in and slaughtering your family at three in the morning one night, you're like, well, I guess we shouldn't have left that front door open, man. But let's move on to Johnny Brazil. Johnny Brazil. He should. Him and WikiLeaks should start a bowling team. Why do these guys always have the worst names? WikiLeaks. And how about the economy going down is attributed to Freddie Mae and Bernie Mac or something like. It sounds like a country kitchen out in the. You know, some farmers got opened a home style cook Come on into the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will whip you up some raisin bread, young fella. And by the way, the economy's gone. Anyway, let's talk. Yeah, let's change.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

All right.

[Ralphie May]

Well.

[Shira Lazar]

Oh, outer space. Well, I didn't mention this yesterday, so this will be a repeat for some of our listeners that NASA is going to be NASA.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just say Bermuda. Bermuda's gonna announce.

[Shira Lazar]

Is having a press conference at 1pm Eastern time.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. I like that.

[Shira Lazar]

And about extraterrestrial evidence they've discovered.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh. Like. Like critters. No one's sure you don't know yet?

[Shira Lazar]

No.

[Ralphie May]

This is a tease.

[Shira Lazar]

It is a tease. It's an alien tease.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I hope it's a critter. I hope they found, like, a frozen alien mammoth under the ice.

[Shira Lazar]

But you're really. The reason why we're bringing it up again is because you're really into this stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it. I love it. I love outer space. I believe there's stuff out there. Believe there's got to be more than just us. It's an endless galaxy. By the way, if you test drive an Infinity, do you ever come back? I mean, I'm just at. My dad test drove one about eight years ago and I haven't seen him since. But I didn't. I didn't mean to digress. So, yeah, I love the space stuff, but we won't know till tomorrow, so we can't talk about it till after. So what else do we got?

[Shira Lazar]

All right, so this is an interesting creative thing that a robber did. He carried out six raids and now he's pleading guilty to them. He's obviously in prison. But he carried them out as a black man. He used a black mask to try to get away with this.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if he had a mask on, what if it was a black guy wearing a black mask? How do we know it wasn't white?

[Shira Lazar]

Because he is a white guy.

[Adam Carolla]

But what if he just did the black thing and so I'm a black guy. I'll wear a black mask and throw them off. But they already have the guy, so there goes my stupid theory.

[Shira Lazar]

But isn't that fun? This black mask is really interesting, and he thought it's great. It maintains all the prejudices of, like, why did he have to do a black mask? He couldn't have done an Asian mask.

[Giovanni]

If I was Bill Cosby, I'd be pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

But see, that's the thing with society now. They think everything's got to have a racist link. Okay, think about it. If you're a white guy and you want to create a diversion, why not go to the complete opposite of what you are? So if you're a white guy, dress as a black guy to throw them off. If you're a black guy, yeah, go as a white guy to throw them off. But it doesn't necessarily have to be like a racist thing because black people and white people rob banks. So I just had to clear that up because I'm getting emotional. I might need a WikiLeaks diaper. Sorry.

[Shira Lazar]

Oh, I'm feeling your pain. But it was a. For anyone who wants to buy this, it's supposedly. It's a silicon. Silicon, not Silicon Valley silicone.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a NASA.

[Shira Lazar]

It's a purchase from a California costume company and it behaves like real flesh and muscle.

[Adam Carolla]

It's amazing. It looks like the guy from Jeepers Creepers that had his eyes cut out at the end. It looks like real flesh. You can see pores, you can see lines on the lip.

[Shira Lazar]

I wonder where he bought it. It is a great mess.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if he just like he silenced to the lamb, the black guy and just skinned someone.

[Shira Lazar]

And he's getting it easy because it looks like he robbed bangs, but he actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he goes up and he goes, can you give me some money?

[Shira Lazar]

But he actually murdered someone too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, do you have any tens and twenties or give me hundred dollar bills. You don't know what big fat person or. Sure, right. Did that guy have like. Like allergies?

[Bald Bryan]

Now he places the lotion in the basket.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy. Do the. The big fat person guy again. What was that guy's name?

[Bald Bryan]

He a great big fat person.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he like Buffalo Bill? Was that his name?

[Giovanni]

Ted Levine playing Buffalo Bill.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But doesn't it sound like he. He's been like. He's got allergies and he's been. Got hay fever.

[Giovanni]

That's his voice.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you. Can you have me some nyquil?

[Bald Bryan]

Is she a great big fat person?

[Adam Carolla]

Could I get some ribotesin, please? I got the sniffles. Somebody brings some ragweed or milkweed in here. Some dust bunnies under my bed. I love it.

[Bald Bryan]

It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it's toe.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know what pain is.

[Bald Bryan]

What's the f ing ocean in the basket?

[Adam Carolla]

And then what's he do? That. That whole thing where he. He pretends he has a broken arm. He goes, oh, can you help me put this couch in the back of my van?

[Giovanni]

That's a great scam yeah, he asked for the help of the. With the van, with the couch in the van, and the girl has to go in first.

[Adam Carolla]

But Warning. Warning to girls all over the world. I don't know if this podcast go all over the world, if you're in Denmark right now or if you're in Kookaberra, if you're in Nassau, you know, wherever you may be, if it's past one in the morning, there's a guy behind your building in a white van loading a couch into it with a broken arm. All right, Warning. Something ain't right. Don't be helping the guy. I don't care if you're a nun, if you're a Girl Guide, I don't care how good your heart is. Just let the guy struggle. Let him, you know, if he's there in the morning, laying on the ground with the couch on him, so be it. Anyways, what else we got?

[Shira Lazar]

That's great. All right, what about this whole TSA thing, the screenings? There's more people that are trying to basically punk the tsa. It feels. In Oklahoma City, a woman who missed her flight at the airport.

[Bald Bryan]

Is she a great big fat person?

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of woman was she? A great big fat woman.

[Shira Lazar]

She ended up hanging out at the airport in panties and a wheelchair and sitting in front of a wheelchair. She failed to pass the TSA screening process Tuesday, and so she came back to the airport basically, like in underwear and bra.

[Bald Bryan]

Nice, big fat person.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what they should do. They should get. They should get Buffalo Bill to do the screening. And he goes, I'm gonna have to remove your skin. Can you step through while I peel you? Make sure there's nothing hidden under your flesh there. I'm just gonna have to peel you.

[Shira Lazar]

Oh, so this is what happened. She actually had. Appeared on Tuesday, showed up in a wheelchair, bra and panties, passed through the airport screening process this morning, but hadn't, like. I guess she hadn't done any. These people are showing up in their underwear. Have you seen these videos all over YouTube.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Shira Lazar]

People are showing up in their undergarments. They think it's so funny.

[Bald Bryan]

Great story.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a hottie. There was a hottie that went through lax. Like a model type girl.

[Shira Lazar]

This is a very. It was a very confusing story. It goes back and forth.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? People, Rich people should save up their farts. Everyone should eat beans before they go to the airport. And when these guys get down in the crouching position and they're patting down your butt, just let one rip that's immature. Let's move on.

[Teresa Strasser]

All right.

[Shira Lazar]

Let's move on.

[Adam Carolla]

And the show has reached a new low.

[Shira Lazar]

Oklahoma. Mick Cornett, Oklahoma City mayor, he's banning lingerie football. What are you guys gonna do?

[Adam Carolla]

And then is he coming out right after that? I mean, what other reason? What is wrong with that guy? All right, we gotta go to. We're gonna play a clip from Adam's book, and then we'll come back and finish up.

[Shira Lazar]

Hard hitting news.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll get some more great news. We can touch more on the. The lingerie thing, because I want to ask you about lingerie. I have some questions because for people that don't know it. Sexy, sexy, sexy. Oh, yeah. Who you?

[Shira Lazar]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

We're all three of those meant for

[Adam Carolla]

her, all three for her lost dog. So keep that in mind. I'm a little sexy, too, at times, but let's go. Let's play a clip from Adam's great audiobook. You gotta order this thing. You gotta buy it. Hilarious. Let's go to a clip.

[Bald Bryan]

There's a few things we're not interested in as men. And it starts with those giant hoop earrings. Who's this for? This is tribal ornamentation. We're not Kalahari Bushmen. And it's not going to work out terribly well for you when you get into the fight at the club and the bitch uses them as a handle to smash your face into the bar. If you're going to do earrings, just go with a simple stud in the lobe, and that's it. We're not into weird piercings either. We don't like the dumbbell going through the nipple or the spike into the tongue or the clitoral hood piercing, by the way. Another digression. I once got into an argument with my grandmother over my pronunciation of clitoral. I said, clitoris, and she said, clitoris. It was the worst tomato tomato song ever, I swear to God. My grandfather was dead, and she heard me talking on Loveline, and she was like, I hear you say clitoris. It's clitoris or whatever the fuck. Either way, Like I said, I took one, she took the other. At a certain point, we got into an argument, and she said, my friend's a doctor and says, it's clitoris. And I said, well, Dr. Drew says clitoris, so we're tied to. And we walked over to my grandfather's oversized dictionary. The dictionary he got at the end where, like, each letter's like, 5 inches tall because his eyesight was so shitty. And me and my grandmother who was in her 80s at the time, looked up clitoris or clitoris, and we got to the bottom and we looked and it said, you can pronounce it either way. And I just backhanded that bitch and walked away. That's the way grandpa would have wanted it. Now, where were we? Ah, that's right. What guys don't want and what you guys burn a ton of calories on. How about that little stud in the nose that looks like a giant blackhead or a clove pushed into a Christmas ham? We don't need that either. Tattoos. Another wasted effort. Every time I look at a Playboy, I want to shout at Hugh Hefner. Although I guess when everyone talks to him, they shout, now, I want the girl next door, not the whore. I want the college student looking for a couple extra bucks, not the skank who gets teamed on the pinball machine. Every girl in that magazine now has fake tits, is thinner than the coke rails she's doing in the bathroom at the club, and has a tramp stamp. Also, tattoos have totally ruined period pornography. And by period porn, I mean it's the stuff that's set in a different time period, not some disgusting fetish. You're supposed to be Cleopatra. I sincerely doubt she had the Tasmanian devil on her left ass cheek.

[Giovanni]

And we're back.

[Shira Lazar]

Oh, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Groovy, man, groovy. I want to. I want to talk about something that's really kind of grim. And you guys, we all have to go to the doctor, right, at some point. And have you ever noticed, I don't know if you have funeral music or anything loaded in there, but have you ever noticed when you're sitting in the waiting room, right, and you're looking around the room and you're one of the people, there's five or six other people, and there's like, an old lady hunched over, and there's a guy trembling, and there's a guy with his nose running, and you're just sitting there wondering what everybody has and how long they've got to live.

[Giovanni]

I usually know.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't it weird?

[Giovanni]

Yes. I know exactly what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I hate that. And you're afraid to breathe because you think whatever's floating around. There's like eight different SARS and bird flu viruses. You're afraid to breathe in the air, and you're just sitting there on those uncomfortable chairs, and there's an old National Geographic on the table with a picture of a lion eating a monkey, and it's just awful. And it smells like that Those waiting rooms have that smell. Ugh, I hate going to the doctor. I feel like I'm gonna die and I'm a fainter. Do you? Do you. If they take blood. Oh, see, if they take blood from me, I faint.

[Giovanni]

I'm the same way.

[Shira Lazar]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you?

[Giovanni]

I get blood drawn pretty regularly. And the, the last time, a couple weeks ago, they were having a hard time finding a vein, so they had to poke me over and over and over again.

[Shira Lazar]

That's the way they did that to me.

[Giovanni]

Like, it was like seven times. And by the end I was like, I'm getting a little lightheaded here, guys. You want me to give me some apple juice?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, don't you love it when they say they've had that too? They go, we can't find a vein. And I go, I'm a 200 pound male. My body probably has about 49 miles worth of veins in them. How do you not find. Can you find some skin while you're at it there, sharpie? Huh?

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you. Do you know where my eyes are? I can look at my arm right now and see about 48 veins. What are you looking at? The ceiling fan. Good God. Why am I getting angry? I want to remind our listeners, I also have a podcast called the Harland Highway. You can check it [e-mail] or you can download it at itunes or a friend of this show, Stitcher, where you can get the. The download for your. Your phone. So check it out, please. I'd love to, love to have you guys on board the Harlan Highway.

[Giovanni]

What goes on in the Harlan Highway?

[Adam Carolla]

The Harlem Highway? It's not this type of format where it's, it's a lot of news and talk and everything on the Harlem Highway. It's a lot more like character driven and kind of reoccurring characters and goofy stories and, and things like that. So it's a lot different than, than this. But it's just. That's what's beautiful about doing podcasts. They're all different. And it's like a box of chocolates, man. You know, Forrest Gump said that. Do you, like, would you, would you sleep with a guy like Forrest Gump? And you don't know if I'm getting too personal.

[Shira Lazar]

Very successful. Forrest Gump became very successful.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, you remember that gorgeous girlfriend Jani? His girlfriend Jani, like, she, she banded him. Like, would you.

[Shira Lazar]

He was deep and he had. He was.

[Giovanni]

So she was a whore with aids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, good point.

[Giovanni]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

And then she Drags innocent old like Forrest Gump into that.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How come he didn't get aids?

[Shira Lazar]

Well, he was Forrest Gump.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. He was also a college all American football player.

[Adam Carolla]

He was too. His body was too stupid to get aids. They couldn't find the vein. She couldn't find his vein. Now would you. Would you take a guy like Forrest Gump or Rain man or something and do that? Would you, on a hot summer Georgia night with the rain pelting the window, take his papa's cherry. Would you pop Forrest Gump's cherry? Look at me in the eyes.

[Shira Lazar]

On the context, it depends on if we got to know each other and what the chocolates were like that he brought me.

[Bald Bryan]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it.

[Shira Lazar]

He could run. How fast he could run.

[Ralphie May]

Oh, I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he would be one lucky guy because you're beautiful. And you were talking about lingerie earlier.

[Shira Lazar]

I mean, I crap for this too. I was like, oh, she's hobbit. What about her brains? Let's talk about my brains.

[Adam Carolla]

You're very smart. When I say beautiful, I mean in the physical sense. And the fact that you're here, you're very knowledgeable, you're very articulate.

[Shira Lazar]

I so much. A WikiLeak.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it. Now tell us about lingerie real quick.

[Shira Lazar]

Big news. Like lingerie football. All right, so Oklahoma City, the mayor, Nick Cornett, he says he doesn't want no more lingerie football.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't want no more lingerie football.

[Shira Lazar]

He goes quote, there are too many problems to list and he won't let them play in any city owned venue. And then league chairman Mitchell Mortaza.

[Teresa Strasser]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a league, A wiki.

[Shira Lazar]

There's a league. They call it the lfl. The Lingerie Football League.

[Adam Carolla]

See, now look at that. Why, why can't we watch beautiful women who are in prime athletic shape run around in their tight little clothes, but we can watch men in tight little clothes run around and hammer each other.

[Shira Lazar]

You know, I think maybe there was a good. Maybe there was a girl that he was with and you know, they had went wrong. And so he's like, I'm gonna not let them hear anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess. I don't know. I don't know. To be honest, if I personally get off on women doing strenuous, like physical activities with next to nothing on. Like, I never got the whole mud wrestling thing. Yeah, like, to me it was just disgusting. I don't like seeing girls wrestling with food. I really don't really like the idea of women boxers. You know that do it for fun at bars. And I'm looking at this picture of these girls in their so called lingerie and I gotta say, it's not doing it that much for me. But if they want to make it a legitimate sport, do it.

[Shira Lazar]

Why would you take it away?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm with you though, Harlan.

[Giovanni]

There's a line which is like, it's hot, it's hot, it's hot. And then it's like these girls are hurting each other and they're like running into each other and possibly breaking ankles.

[Bald Bryan]

It's not sexy.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I like the lingerie, but what I don't like is an elbow in some models perfect teeth and watching her chiclets fall out into her cleavage. That doesn't do it for me. All right, what else?

[Shira Lazar]

We got the smartest cities in America. And I love how they gave this table and it says brain power index. Bachelor's degree dropped out before high school, so they numbered these cities. So what city do you think has the highest brain power index in the country?

[Adam Carolla]

Highest brain. I would have to say maybe. I hate to say this, but maybe Washington, D.C. they're third. Okay.

[Shira Lazar]

Boulder, Colorado is number one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, don't they have rocks in their head?

[Giovanni]

It's a college Boulder. It's full of college students.

[Shira Lazar]

Yes. They have the most earned graduate professional degree.

[Bald Bryan]

What's an sk?

[Adam Carolla]

What's number one? What's number one?

[Shira Lazar]

That's number one. Boulder to Ann Arbor, Michigan.

[Adam Carolla]

Ann Arbor, Michigan.

[Shira Lazar]

Durham, North Carolina.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, we're gonna. We gotta jump to the. We got a game going here. We got a game. We're gonna play the blah, blah, blah, and this will see. I know there you were talking about the smartest cities in the country. Now in this room, the three of us will determine who's the smartest out of our three because of blah, blah, blah.

[Harland Williams]

The following is a presentation of Jeremiah Weed. It's time for Blah blah blah, the game where we match the celebrity with their retarded online rant.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's play.

[Harland Williams]

All right, Harland, you familiar enough with the game?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Blog me up, baby.

[Harland Williams]

Okay, we'll read a blog, give you three choices, and you each choose who it belongs to. Blog number one. I'm thankful that we have one whole day to be thankful, where you have to be thankful because it's required. And for the turkey and the football, because without it, let's be honest, it's just another Thursday. Oh, and also that we now get to live here without Wearing the funny buckled pilgrim hats because truly, that would diminish all the good stuff a little bit. Virtually impossible to wear while driving a mid sized sedan. Does the blog belong to Paul Reiser, Albert Brooks, or Elaine Boozler?

[Adam Carolla]

Ha. I'm gonna say Boozler.

[Ralphie May]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And it looks like she's been on the Boozler. Look at her. She is puffed.

[Giovanni]

Why Boozler?

[Adam Carolla]

Why is that your Boozler? I don't know. I hate to say it. They're all clever. All three of them are clever. But that is not. It's not worded well. But it could be Riser. Maybe because he's doing kind of the buckled pilgrim schtick. But I don't know. I just think out of the three of them, Boozler is not the wordsmith out of the group.

[Giovanni]

I can hear Albert Brooks's voice. So I'm saying Albert Brooks.

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you say?

[Shira Lazar]

I'm gonna say Brooks.

[Harland Williams]

The blog belongs to Paul Reiser.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I was gonna say that. Okay. That was my second choice because of the buckle thing, but I think he did that blog. Can you do a blog while you're driving? Like texting? That's what. Okay, we got to factor that in because I was disjointed. It wasn't fluid.

[Harland Williams]

All right, let's move on.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we all. We're all dumb. We're all. We're all. We're all Washington, D.C. right now. That's three, right?

[Shira Lazar]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So we got to get. We got to become boulders. Let's hear the next one.

[Harland Williams]

I'm nutty for nutrition. I've become one of those people who can't stop talking about the connection between food and health. Like a lot of people, I used to think I was incapable of doing anything about the way I felt every day. Now I know how much changing what you can eat. What you eat can transform your life. I can't stop proselytizing. Yes, I went through something, and now I think everyone should benefit from my journey. It's hard not to speak out when I feel so good and I'm getting so much more out of life. Is that such a bad thing to want to share?

[Adam Carolla]

Was she a great big fat person?

[Harland Williams]

Does the blog belong to Jim Carrey, Robin Quivers, or Ashley Judd?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. Well, I. Who that? I think the clue is right in the middle. Who out of those three people would say the word proselytizing? So I'm gonna say Ashley Judd. Yeah, that seems something like she'd say, and I'm Basing my whole answer proselytizing. I know Jim. And if Jim Carrey's using the word proselytizing now, he should head down to Sunset Boulevard and get himself a proselytute and pack his bags. What do you guys say?

[Giovanni]

I'm hinting my answer on proselytizing as well. I think it's misspelled, so I'm gonna say Robin Quivers.

[Harland Williams]

I'm saying Judd, the blog belongs to Robin Quivers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, who got it?

[Harland Williams]

Brian's on the board.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian's on the board. What is proselytizing? I don't even know.

[Giovanni]

Like, it's preaching.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. It's. It reminded me of a prostitute that was standing in the cold, and they crystallized, so she proselytized. Okay, give us another one now. Now I'm getting my hairs up.

[Shira Lazar]

I'm getting into this.

[Adam Carolla]

Canada's looking bad here. We're 0 for 0. Come on, baby.

[Shira Lazar]

Let's do it. Bald head.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's put our lingerie on and get into this game. Winner gets a free trip to NASA.

[Harland Williams]

Why don't I say no to any project? I'm a Virgo to the core. I thrive on doing as much as I can while the opportunity is there. More is more. Honestly, I love every aspect of what I do and am blessed with an amazing team who can handle anything. Is it fashion designer Rachel Zoe?

[Shira Lazar]

Zoe.

[Harland Williams]

Zoe.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she proselytize in her spare time?

[Bald Bryan]

She did.

[Harland Williams]

Is it Mariah Carey, or is it Eva Longoria?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, what's the first girl do? What she. What's. Is she an actress?

[Harland Williams]

Fashion designer?

[Shira Lazar]

Stylist.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm going to say her because she says, I have an amazing team. So if you're a stylist, don't you have to have a team? But I guess you could have a team if you're the other ones.

[Giovanni]

It's definitely Rachel Zoe.

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah, I think it's Zoe.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say Zo if I'm gonna go, go, go, Zozo.

[Harland Williams]

The blog belongs to Rachel Zoe.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Canada's on the book. But wait, you didn't say an answer.

[Shira Lazar]

I said Zoe.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did? Okay.

[Shira Lazar]

Eva Longoria wouldn't give other people credit.

[Giovanni]

Do you watch. Do you watch the horrible show, by the way?

[Shira Lazar]

I've seen it.

[Giovanni]

My wife watches it.

[Shira Lazar]

I know her husband.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Shira Lazar]

He works at the. With the Web.

[Bald Bryan]

He's, like, a nice guy.

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah, he is actually really good.

[Giovanni]

Really? Been really skinny and seeing, like, her sternum.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

That's not sexy.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Imagine them trying to find a Vein on her. Okay, let's do it. Is there another one?

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How many more do we have?

[Harland Williams]

We got two more. You guys want to try to at least tie the game and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's hybrid if we need it.

[Harland Williams]

It's hard to believe that the holiday season is coming up so soon. As usual, I have plenty of gifts to buy for close friends and family. But this year, I'm rethinking my holiday shopping list. I recently traveled to the Central African Republic to help distribute insecticide treated mosquito nets with the United Nations. Malaria is the leading killer of children under the age of five in the Central African Republic. The holidays are right around the corner. Join me in going to www.nothingbutnets.net and donating $10 to send a net to the Central African Republic. You will be saving a life.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, first off, I thought that because I was looking at that picture of Mariah Carey, I thought it said, Mariah is the leading killer of children under the age in Africa.

[Giovanni]

So is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

Can you imagine her sneaking around at night with a machete?

[Giovanni]

Unless she doesn't have anything better.

[Adam Carolla]

Lifting the mosquito nets and hacking little African children to pieces.

[Giovanni]

She has tens of millions of dollars. You think she'd have something better to do with her time?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, Rupert. Frat person.

[Harland Williams]

All right, does the blog belong to.

[Adam Carolla]

Here we go.

[Harland Williams]

Michael Moore, Mary Tyler Moore, or Mandy Moore?

[Adam Carolla]

Can you give us one more? Can you give us one more more?

[Harland Williams]

Former GM of CBS Radio, Bob Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you bastard. I didn't think he'd have one, like, right there, but he did. He got me. Okay. Nothing but nets dot net. I'm gonna say Mary Tyler Moore just because she's been around. She's the oldest, and sometimes when the oldies get old, they. They get all jacked up on these causes. That's the worst.

[Shira Lazar]

Is that your final answer?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say marry Tyler Moore, man. What do you guys say?

[Giovanni]

I'll say Mandy Moore because I don't think the other two will be talking about how many gifts they have to buy. It's a young person's thing to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice. Nice cat.

[Shira Lazar]

I'm saying Mandy Moore, and I know it's true. Oh, I know because I know she went to. She works in Malaria. You can't go back now.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I'm stick. I don't believe you. I'm sticking with Mary Tyler Moore.

[Harland Williams]

The blog belongs to Mandy Moore.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, nice.

[Shira Lazar]

Tiebreaker. Tiebreaker.

[Bald Bryan]

Wrong.

[Harland Williams]

Brian got that one, too. So he's one up. Here's your last chance to Tie up the game.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm out of it. I'm technically out of it.

[Bald Bryan]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, I'm the host. I can't be out of it. I'm Adam Carolla's kid. I'm his little Vietnamese boy.

[Harland Williams]

Your answer can still affect the outcome.

[Giovanni]

Okay, well, Adam always loses too, so this is no different.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there you go. I get it from my dopey, dumbass, or buttockly challenged father. Thank you.

[Harland Williams]

With Thanksgiving behind us and Christmas before us, we are once again reminded of the integrated ways our creator has a role in the culture from the beginning. But will it stay that way? Some media caught how President Obama twice omitted the words by their creator when reciting the declaration in speeches over the past several weeks. Is omitting. Is omitting endowed by their creator from direct quotes of the declaration and several speeches, a permissible, benign act of the President of the United States?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Harland Williams]

Does the blog belong to.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, wait. Before you do it, dude, can I get two extra points if before you even put pictures up, I say Sarah Palin and I'm right, sure. Okay, now put the pictures up.

[Harland Williams]

Does the blog belong to MC John Voight or Chuck Norris?

[Adam Carolla]

Who's the guy on the left? I thought it was a bank robber. I'm sorry. With a mask on.

[Giovanni]

You're both right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say MC Hammer because he used to be a minister and he's talking about all this creator stuff. But then again, John Voight hates Obama, and the kung fu guy is a huge conservative. He was. He was. What's his. Huckabees boy. Wow. So all three of this is a toughie, man. I'll stick with MC because of the creator stuff, and I've been wrong all the way along. What do you guys say?

[Shira Lazar]

Chuck Norris.

[Giovanni]

Chuck Norris for sure you love Kung Fu guys.

[Adam Carolla]

You said that very sexually.

[Bald Bryan]

Chuck Norris.

[Shira Lazar]

I remember.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Who is it?

[Harland Williams]

Brian's just playing it safe.

[Adam Carolla]

Sting us.

[Harland Williams]

The blog belongs to Chuck Norris.

[Adam Carolla]

I might have to walk off this podcast. I'm that bad.

[Harland Williams]

No, you're doing exactly what Adam does.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm a kid. I'm a stupid Vietnamese kid. I'm gonna. I want. Can you call my mother Wing Ting Wahoo hi right now. And ask her where our genes went wrong.

[Harland Williams]

Until next time, keep your fingers on your. Your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round

[Adam Carolla]

of blah, blah, blah.

[Harland Williams]

Brought to you by Jeremiah Weed.

[Adam Carolla]

What is Jeremiah Weed? Is that.

[Giovanni]

Oh, they're. They're a sponsor there.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that grat.

[Giovanni]

Like marijuana no, no, no, that's the name of a. Of a liquor company. Make some fine cherry mash, some fine whiskey and bourbon.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fine.

[Giovanni]

Come back and try some for yourself if you want.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I don't drink the hard juice. I guess I shouldn't say that because they're your sponsors, but I don't personally drink it, but everyone else can. En.

[Giovanni]

Corolla loves it.

[Adam Carolla]

Corolla, yeah. He loves anything that guy's cranked up on. Cranked up on a bowl of Frankenberry.

[Giovanni]

Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Well, it looks like. What do you think? We've been going hard here. Should we take a little break?

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah, it's hot in here.

[Adam Carolla]

I need to sponge off.

[Giovanni]

Ralphie May's ready to come in.

[Adam Carolla]

Ralphie Mays coming up soon, folks, so don't step away. We're just getting going. This is Harlan Williams and the gang at the Harland. No, we're not with the. We're at the Adam Corolla podcast. Wow. We'll be right back. All right, everybody, welcome back to the Adam Carolla show podcast. And I gotta. I'm gonna throw some initials out here. RM and then I'm gonna sing. Ralphie May.

[Ralphie May]

Hi, Harlan, how are you? It's a pleasure to be here. It's so funny if you're watching this, I blend in perfectly unplanned with the sofa. So if you just see a floating head, that's me. I don't care. I'm that high. I could be just a floating head.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm fine with it. Ralphie walked in here. By the way, this is Ralphie May, hilarious comedian. He's been working the clubs, the colleges, the theaters, the TVs, the everything. Everyone knows Ralphie May. He's fantastic stand up comedian. I've worked with Ralphie for many years here in Hollywood.

[Ralphie May]

12 years we've been kicking it around. You know, we used to. Those nights at the Laugh Factory. If you look back on that lineup, like those light, like, I have old lineup sheets. Yeah, like, like I followed you went up first on like, on like the 10 o' clock show on a, on a Saturday night. It was my first three show night. Okay. And then because it was holidays and people were. People were away, but it was you. And then Dane Cook, definitely not funny.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Ralphie May]

Was that for Harlan or Dane? I don't know. That was for me, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

That was for me, believe me.

[Ralphie May]

And then me and then. And there was. And then like. And Rodney Dangerfield popped in.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Ralphie May]

That's why there was only three all right? And he did the late. He did the early show and had such a good time, went to dinner and came back and did the late show mean the. The 10 o' clock show with me and you. So it was you and then Rodney and then Dane Cook and then me. And I'm sitting there and going, this is the greatest fucking show I've ever been a part of. And then I'm like, holy fuck, I gotta follow this shit. I need this drama in my goddamn life.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait, let me ask you something. Because when I have to follow guys, like I've had to do stand up or I've had to follow Seinfeld and Rodney Dangerfield and Dice Clay and we've all done it.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you get like bummed out about it to be. Are you like, oh, my God, this is. Or I get pumped. To me, it's like a challenge. It's like that guy's the king of comedy. And I'm gonna go up there and I'm gonna. I'm rising.

[Ralphie May]

People laughed. I want.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Ralphie May]

You know, like, there's space and comedy enough that I can make them laugh too with whatever I'm doing. But, you know, I mean, that was when. I mean, we were all so honed, you know what I mean? And doing those 20 minute sets and then, then have a legend come up, Ronnie Dangerfield, and stick around and laugh at us. And you're sitting there and you're like, holy shit, I'm a fan of everybody that's on this show, okay? And then to be a part of it, it's just an honor, you know, you, like, that's one of those moments, you have an epiphany where you're like, fuck it, I don't care that I'm the brokest one on this fucking lineup. I don't give a shit that I'm living in a studio apartment, okay? You know, and selling weed on the side, okay? All right. I don't give a. I am here and I have arrived. You know, this little kid from, you know, White Trash Arkansas, you know, where he grew up. And now you're here with these legends and these, I mean, you movie stars, you know, the Dane hadn't hit yet, all right? And it was, I mean, arguably, you know, the most successful comedian in the last 10 years. Him and Larry the Cable guy. I mean, those two are phenomenal. And then you just, you just follow these. You just get awestruck a little bit, you know, it makes me more of a fan, you know, And I miss That I miss that camaraderie. I miss that hanging out at the Laugh Factory. Jamie Masada, man, the time you're on the stage, man, you light it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's what people don't get about stand up comedy is that. Is that, you know, there's. There's a group of guys like Ralphie and myself and Dane and all these guys that were known as headliners. And we, we travel around the country and we're like the headlining act at the comedy clubs and at the theaters and all that. And because we're the headliners, we rarely get to work together.

[Ralphie May]

We see each other, we never see each other, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So when we get. That's one of the real special things about working in Hollywood. You go down to a club like the Laugh Factory, the Improv, and all us guys that are normally separated because we're headlining in different parts of the country and the world, we all get to work together on it. And it's a blast.

[Ralphie May]

It's a blast. And it's like a comedy explosion. I mean, it's like that super collider in Switzerland and France, you know, little black holes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, don't get me going on that.

[Ralphie May]

Oh, I know, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't you love to throw a microwave dinner in one of those and see what happens? Like a Swanson's Hungry Man Salisbury steak. Throw it in the super collider, dude,

[Ralphie May]

with the mash and the carrots.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you gonna get? I mean, look what happens when you throw it in your microwave. Imagine throwing that in a super collider.

[Ralphie May]

It'd be awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Delicious.

[Ralphie May]

So, so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. Dude, I want to do my Christmas in that thingy. Let's go to Switzerland.

[Ralphie May]

Some oval Redenbacher. Let's pop that corn.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's pop some popcorn in the super collider. And we made Switzerland.

[Ralphie May]

Popped as good. Or butter or kettle.

[Adam Carolla]

Super collider.

[Ralphie May]

Super collider corn.

[Adam Carolla]

And we'll tell you. We'll throw it in. And since we're in Switzerland, we'll toss the WikiLeaks guy in popcorn. Now I got. I gotta ask you this. This cracked me up because, you know, we travel a lot, we go through airports, and I read recently, Ralphie, that you, you're a dog lover. You love animals. And I heard you. This happened to me too. You were going through a foreign airport.

[Ralphie May]

No, it was. It's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell a story.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, I was going to Guam to do a series of shows, and I was so tired and worn out that I didn't remove everything from My bag that I should have. And this is what I took out of my bag. Three and a half ounces of weed, an ounce of keef, 20 grams of hash.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, wait, what's Keef?

[Ralphie May]

Keefe is like the pollen concentrate of marijuana and crystals. And so it's like pollen and crystals for marijuana. It's super concentrated. It's really great. I wish I had something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought you were just. I thought you were typo.

[Ralphie May]

That was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought you were tight with Key for Sutherland. My suitcase.

[Ralphie May]

I always thought that's where he got his name from, you know, Remember like Kelly's heroes?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ralphie May]

He's like, you're always bumming me out more, you know, Moriarty with the negative waves, man. You know, he was a total stoner in World War II. It's like fucking. Yeah. And Mash, you know, he followed us right up against each other. Yeah. I'm saying Keefer. Yeah, I'm saying he had Keith.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Ralphie May]

Named Hash.

[Adam Carolla]

So you, you took all what you thought were the goodies out of your bag.

[Ralphie May]

$500 worth of marijuana. Marijuana products out of my bag. And I didn't get it all. I had, I had an extra 14 grams in there and a bag, a smelly proof bag at the bottom.

[Adam Carolla]

And who caught you?

[Ralphie May]

Guam. Guam. Yeah, I caught myself.

[Adam Carolla]

But wasn't there a little doggy involved?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, there was. This is very dumb and it's an admission. And this is why you love. It is because it's, it's, it's something that. And you know me, how, this is how I would do it. I'm a dog lover. I hadn't seen my dogs in four weeks. And I, I was, I was in coming off the plane and my wife was already downstairs with, with the kids and I was the last on the plane. And she's like, you don't have anything on you, do you? And I'm like, no. She goes, are you sure? And I'm like, yeah, positive. I took everything out of my bag. Are you sure? Because there's dogs everywhere. And I'm like, it's going to be any problem? It's cool. I love dogs. Great. And me and my wife, we give a ton of money to animals charities

[Adam Carolla]

and look how they pay you back.

[Ralphie May]

And. And So I go 30ft out of my way, the dog was smelling something else. All right. And go to pet the dog. And then the dog sits down and, and that means to the trainer that they have a positive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ralphie May]

I just thought the dog really wanted to Be petted. All right. So I pet in the dog and I'm like, you're a good baby. Yes, you are. And then there was another dog about 30ft, about. About 25ft away. And I. I motioned for it to come over, and the guy saw the trainer, saw that dog being sitting down in front of me. And, like, the dog's looking back at the trainer while I'm petting its head. Like, is this a test? Are you testing me? Is this a joke? I mean. And I bring the other dog over and it sits down too. So I'm like, these dogs get it. I'm a dog lover.

[Shira Lazar]

Why did you go towards all the dogs?

[Ralphie May]

Because I didn't think I had anything on, man. I missed my dog.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm one of those.

[Ralphie May]

Why I'm so annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

You might as well have, like, soaked your shoes and Elpo.

[Ralphie May]

I mean, yeah, man.

[Bald Bryan]

Wow.

[Ralphie May]

And I.

[Adam Carolla]

So did they give you the rubber glovey thing?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, I got the glovey thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I did because of a cute little beagle. You got a hand up.

[Ralphie May]

It wasn't even a bagel. I wish it was a bagel. She was a shepherd mix.

[Adam Carolla]

She was a shepherd mix.

[Ralphie May]

She was a mutt, but she was a pretty girl. Girl, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Did the dog get to watch?

[Ralphie May]

I'm trying to adopt the dog.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the dog didn't get to watch.

[Shira Lazar]

They gave you a cavity search?

[Ralphie May]

Well, they got close to it. Like, I didn't get a knuckle deep, but I did get the elevator button pushed. Okay, a couple times.

[Adam Carolla]

Touched the starfish punch the panda eye.

[Ralphie May]

And. And I'm like, I've got my. Before they do it, they go, hey, we have to do a strip search. So we're in this 10 by 10 white room, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Catch the sea urchin.

[Ralphie May]

And I go, well, I'd like to apologize to you guys for what y' all are about to endure. And I said, you know, when we get done with this, you might want to talk to your union rep about a little post traumatic stress disorder. You know, a couple weeks off, you know, take some money and run. It's a government job.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Ralphie May]

You can claim it was horrific. And then they go, don't make any sudden moves. And I giggle. And they're like, what are you laughing about? And I'm like, I haven't made a sudden move since 96 when I tripped on the ice in Toronto at the comedy festival. The guy from the. Was that. Yuck, yucks. Mark Breslin something. He bumped me to do that goddamn thing. And I Busted my ass. I bruised all the way up. Fell on young street and Canadians. Y' all say you're fucking nice. You're just as dicky as everybody else. Nobody fucking helped me. I got laughed at twice. It's. Y' all are used to walking on the ice. I'm from the south, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are you from? What part of the South?

[Ralphie May]

I was born in Tennessee and raised in Arkansas, so I'm related to me because you got.

[Adam Carolla]

You got an accent going and you don't get mad at me. I always thought you were like a Cajun guy.

[Ralphie May]

Well, yeah, kind of. That's what it all adds up to, you know, I mean, I spent from. I went from Houston. That's where I started doing stand up at 18. So, you know, you add all that up and it equals Louisiana. Can you.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you tweak it? Can you make it go even, like, crazier than you're talking right now? Like, can you go to this place?

[Ralphie May]

I don't really think. I don't think so. Everybody else says I do, but.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but can you do it if you want to? Like, right now, you can't go right here.

[Ralphie May]

If I do notice that when I'm back in the south more, it turns itself up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ralphie May]

It's like it's subconscious, but, you know, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever notice

[Shira Lazar]

when you drink more, does it happen?

[Ralphie May]

I don't drink. I don't drink. I just fuck weight, you know, I got enough risk factors as is. I don't need to add another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you ever notice if you go over to, like. Like Australia or the UK or something, and you're there. You're there for about a week, you know. Oh, listen. All these bloody weird accents, right? But then after about 10 days, you'll go into a shop and you're like, look, can I get one of those, please? Like, you kind of start talking like them a little bit. It's weird for.

[Ralphie May]

I think for Southerners, it's harder to do because we've mangled the, you know, English language so far that there's, like, you know, Canada is more closely tied to the uk, So I think it's easier for y' all to make the jump.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ralphie May]

Than. Than it is for us being from the South. But we're also closely tied, you know, yonder. We still use yonder.

[Adam Carolla]

I love yonder. I went over yonder the other day. Great, man.

[Bald Bryan]

When was the last?

[Ralphie May]

Oh, I yonder all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

I yonder. I yonder every chance I get. But here's the thing. And I'm. This is where I'm standing up for my friend Ralphie right here. A lot of people mock the Southern accent, and I love the Southern. I think it's got charm. I think it's unique. I just love it. Especially girl. When you meet a girl.

[Ralphie May]

Come on. Yahoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Boys, come on in for a lemonade.

[Ralphie May]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Mama just squeezed you a little old laminate. You come in here, wipe the moss off your face. Oh, I love it.

[Ralphie May]

It's like a Tennessee Williams film.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I just. I think I just. Yondered, right there. Was that technically a yonder.

[Ralphie May]

It was a little bit of a yawn.

[Bald Bryan]

Oh, I love it.

[Ralphie May]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have a. Like a Southern banjo thing or anything? No, that's. No, that's like. That's too. Let's say rapey. That's redneck.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, that's a little rapey.

[Adam Carolla]

Is raping be a word?

[Ralphie May]

No, but it's my new. One of my new favorite, average adjectives.

[Bald Bryan]

It sounds like.

[Adam Carolla]

It sounds like a new.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, like. Like, like. Like somebody who's kind of drunk, you know, a little up dude, and he's looking at a girl, and you're like, yeah, you look kind of rapey, dude. You need to back it off a little bit. Rapey?

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah. Instead of douchebag, you say rapey.

[Adam Carolla]

It sounds like a new Kool Aid flavor.

[Ralphie May]

He looks. I mean, sometimes they lose, you know, You've seen Hit on you, and. And, like, they're like, they won't. Like, they ever have a guy pursue you around a club?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Ralphie May]

You're a beautiful girl.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I have.

[Ralphie May]

No, I'm. You're a beautiful girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Bald Bryan]

Okay.

[Ralphie May]

Stop at those clubs.

[Shira Lazar]

Remember Harlan?

[Ralphie May]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it sounds to me like it could be a new Baskin Robbins flavor. Like, I'll have a double scoop of the goofy rapey.

[Ralphie May]

Is that, like, a little rapey on that one?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Give me a rapey sundae. Is that. Am I going too far here? Am I going way too beyond yonder? Crazy. Ralphie, maybe I want to ask you. I don't know if you do ever talk about politics.

[Ralphie May]

I do a little bit, because this isn't.

[Adam Carolla]

This isn't that political. But I want to know. I find that so many people hate Sarah Palin, and they don't know why. And I want to know if you know why and if you hate her or like her. I like her because she's just a woman doing her thing in America. And isn't that what America's all about, but people hate her for going for it. So what do you think? What do you guys think?

[Ralphie May]

I mean, it's, there's, there's. It just shows where we are as a society that. That dumb can fucking make it happen. You know? I mean, dumb is, you know, close to being president. That we've. That we've made it a beauty pageant. Okay? She came out of nowhere.

[Shira Lazar]

She came out of nowhere.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she quit as a governor. And, and, and. But now she tells everybody how to run things. You quit, Mitch. You quit.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Ralphie May]

You can't talk. You. You quit.

[Shira Lazar]

Now she has a reality show.

[Ralphie May]

But wait a minute. Have you seen the.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Before, before we do the reality show, let me be the. The devil's advocate.

[Ralphie May]

I want them to eat her. I want to watch it. And just to see the grizzly bears go, fuck it. I'm union. Get those cameras out of here. I made my chops on the grizzly man show.

[Adam Carolla]

You want the grizzly man movie?

[Ralphie May]

I want them to eat that broad. Like all you hear, you know, it just goes to black. You know, test pattern. You hear, you know, bear. Oh, it smells like salmon. All right, that's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

I like those. You should have done those bear noises at those damn dogs at the airport.

[Ralphie May]

But the outcome of that, I got a hundred dollar ticket for possession of marijuana. Less than an ounce. And they said that I could have gotten three counts of possession of a controlled substance in a federal facility, which is like one to three years per. And then transporting on an airplane is one to three years per. The $5,000 fine each was 25,000 plus 15 years of my life is what it could have been. All right? And they go, we're not doing any of that for you because. And our shared experience of catching drug smugglers on the island of Guam. You're the first one that's ever gone up to a dog and petted it before. So we really honestly don't think you meant to fucking do it. So that's why we're just gonna give you this ticket, go to traffic court,

[Adam Carolla]

pay it, and you must hate dog shit.

[Ralphie May]

And you're the funniest. We'll try to keep it out of the press, but they'll get onto it. Cause it's Guam and there's nothing going on here.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's a good ending. But I want to go back to something you said about the Sarah Palin thing. And I'm gonna be the devil's advocate because you got on about her her quitting, you know, stopping the. But let me ask you this.

[Ralphie May]

Is.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that really that big of a tilting point? Like, if someone's in a career and they've gone, you know what? I've done this. I've accomplished this. I'm stepping away from it. I want to move on to something else. Is it really that bad a thing? Like, if she wasn't a politician and she was a CEO at, like, Merrill lynch, and the guy goes, you know what? I'm gonna stop and go over to Hewlett Packard. Is it a big deal?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, a little bit. Because it's different. Because it's not a corporation. It's a state. And these people who elected her for four years said, we want you to be our governor for four years. And you promised to fix stuff, and you failed us. You quit. You didn't complete your commitment, and it just shows a complete lack of commitment. I'm gonna go where the money is. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna. You know, I'm pop. I'm hot right now, so fuck it all.

[Shira Lazar]

Well, how do you say no to going for vice president?

[Ralphie May]

No, no, no, no. She. She was still governor while being a candidate for vice president.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ralphie May]

All right? She had to wait till afterwards to quit. All right? And she'd only been governor for, like, 18 months. 19 months. And before that, she was a mayor, you know, so it's like a mayor, you know, PTA governor quit. Now she tells everybody where they're fucking up. Meanwhile, her kids are. You know, they're having kids out of wedlock. They're fucking. You know, they're doing a lot of fucked up shit. Yeah, she cast. And it wouldn't be any problem if she didn't put her lot herself as perfect. You know what I mean? Like. Like taking diet tips from me is like having Sarah Palin, you know, be our. Our president. You go, is really. That's the. That's the best woman we could find in the whole of our nation.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Ralphie May]

That's the best. That's the best we got.

[Shira Lazar]

Well, it's not the best we've got. It's like, who's Wren? She decided to bite the bullet and run.

[Adam Carolla]

But let me ask you this, because it's obvious you don't like her.

[Ralphie May]

So if I think she's dumb, I think she's ignorant. And that with the. With. With nuclear weapons and. And our armed forces. As someone who goes out and saw what a dumb president did and has gone to Walter Reed and seen, you know, maimed Soldiers who fought and were injured and blown up and their whole lives were ruined in service of their nation. But it turned out to be a lie. It was a personal vendetta, okay, by people who committed, in my eyes, treasonous acts, you know, in several ways. They lied to us and got us to go be an empire. And it's a very scary fucking thing. We overthrew a nation. And that we. That was a sovereign nation, you know, Just because we don't fucking like you doesn't mean we can take you over, you know? You know, there's a lot of places I don't like, but you can't just fucking mow them over. I mean, I have people who. Douchebags who drive Volvos, okay? Every. I fucking hate every one of them. They're horrible drivers, all right? I want to hit them with my car. But then I would be a horrible driver. And taking out my race, it's the same equivalent that we had. No, just cause to go into Iraq. And that's what a dumb president did. He got talked into it, all right? Or he believed or whatever. Or they manufactured it to please somebody. And I'm sorry. You know, we need somebody smart. When they go, oh, I don't want some Ivy League educated guy, I go, that I do. Fuck yeah. I want the smartest person there. I want someone smarter than me running the shit.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but is anyone smarter than us? That's what I wonder whether. Whether it's a Democrat or a. They all say. Seem a little kooky to me. I don't know.

[Ralphie May]

They're all crazy. I mean, they're so narcissistic that they have to. I mean, they so fucking want to be in charge of everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is. I like it.

[Ralphie May]

And I might even run one day. Just because I want you to run. Not because I want to run everything. It's just because I'm so infuriated with the fucking choices, it's like, what the fuck? If that dumb, dumb can do it, I know I can fucking do it. Because I'm not. I'm going to be immune from. From the corporate shit, you know, I'm not. I. My whole life, you know, you're supposed to fit into some mode. You're supposed to do something, Go fuck yourself, you know, I'm here. I'm who I am, you know? It's like, I don't care, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me.

[Ralphie May]

There's also an indifference level that needs to be applied there that we have useless, needless laws Open everything up. All right? You don't like the. You don't like somebody being a drug addict. You don't like the drug trade and. And housing people and feeding them and healthcare and, you know, we already have healthcare in this nation. Just take a gun and stick somebody up, you got free healthcare for life. Shoot somebody, you're taken care of.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? You're getting amped up on a lot of issues, and I like it that you're getting amped up, because my next question to you, and we appreciate your insight, some very intelligent, thoughtful things right there. But what I want to know. Sweet Ralphie, have you ever punched anyone in the face?

[Ralphie May]

Yes, I've punched people.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where all this was going.

[Ralphie May]

That's all I wanted to know, really. Sarah punch you in the face?

[Adam Carolla]

I knew I had to get you fired up so you would spill this. And I like that you announced you're going to run for president.

[Ralphie May]

I. I may not run for president, but. But definitely something.

[Adam Carolla]

Who'd you punch in the face of? Why?

[Ralphie May]

What? You. Don't you remember the story? It was, like, 10 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Yeah, but I want you to tell it. You tell it funnier than I. I

[Ralphie May]

was at the post office on La Cienega, which is already an inferiority place, okay? It's just. It just infuriates you to be there. And the lion was out the door because the computers were down, and there was an old Russian lady in front of me, and then a douchebag, and then me. Okay, all right. And I'm listening to this douchebag fucking bitch about this is. I'm trying to fucking build this. And he just. He's just being a big douche and just yelling and just being on the phone and just. Just would not shut the up.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Ralphie May]

And then this old Russian lady, she's like two moments from death, right? And. And she doesn't hear the Vietnamese lady at the other end.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute, Vietnamese lady? It wasn't Kim Wao Chung Ha, was it? Because that's Adam and I's mother, I think it was.

[Ralphie May]

She's a postal worker. At the end say, net, please. Okay? That's what she said. Net please. Net please. Malaria, please. Okay?

[Bald Bryan]

And.

[Ralphie May]

And she didn't understand that. And the douchebag said, go and nudge the old lady. And the old lady fell. All right? When that. When that guy did that, I just. The Southern enemy came out and I turned him around, and he wasn't that big of a guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you give him a Johnny Pound cake.

[Ralphie May]

I punched him and I knocked him. He got a concussion, they said. From the lawyers. Okay, I know. I broke. I came out the worst one. I broke my hand. He didn't break anything. He just got a concussion.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he drop? Did you drop him?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, I dropped him. I dropped him.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you put a. Like a customs form on his forehead or nothing?

[Ralphie May]

No, but that would have been. You should have shipped him. Yeah, that would have been the action movie move.

[Adam Carolla]

You should have dropped him and shipped him to Guam and have a dog feel his ass.

[Ralphie May]

I gotta be honest with you. I was scared shitless. I was filled with adrenaline. I hurt. I had no money. And I went to urgent care on. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

This is like an episode of I Shouldn't be Alive. All of a sudden. I had no money. I was lost. I was scared.

[Ralphie May]

I broke as. Okay, And. And I broke a bone in my. In my hand. And Ken Jeong wrapped it for me and. And wrote me a prescription. And I said, ken, I don't even have money to fill it, so fuck it. Don't do it. And he goes, I got it. Don't worry about it. And King Jung was my health care, okay? Now he's on Community and he hangover and all these things. Okay.

[Shira Lazar]

Oh, my God, that dude.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, that was. That was my buddy.

[Shira Lazar]

That was your.

[Teresa Strasser]

No.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He's hilarious. Yeah, he's hilarious.

[Shira Lazar]

Amazing career so far.

[Adam Carolla]

He's hilarious.

[Ralphie May]

He deserves it. He deserves everything.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a really nice guy.

[Ralphie May]

He's a sweetheart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ralphie May]

Him and his wife Tran are phenomenal people. And they have beautiful baby, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

People don't know this, but Ken does stand up. He. He's hilarious. He does a whole guitar act. He raps. He's like this Asian guy and he. He raps. He goes, come on and give me.

[Shira Lazar]

Do you see his new Adidas commercial or this new commercial or. I don't know if it's Adidas. Some sort of.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah. Some kind of thing like that. Yeah. Every time I say. I call him up and I just say, man, I love you. I can't believe everything you're doing is so phenomenal. Run, run, run. Do everything you can. It's just a wonderful thing to see. It's like. It's like, you know, one of your bros, like, you know, one of your teammates. I mean, he came and ate my house. You know what I mean? He. He, you know, he was my man. I love that guy. He was my health care. He was my buddy. And we went on the road.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, he Was your real dog.

[Shira Lazar]

That's the thing, is he was a real doctor.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, he was a real doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

He was your real doctor because.

[Ralphie May]

Because, no, no, no. He worked at Kaiser, so I didn't have insurance or anything. So he would be my insurance. Like, if I get sick, he'd call in antibiotics for me and take care of me and go, hey, you got this. You know, I'll call in something for you, man. He wasn't supposed to do that. Like, that was totally, like, he cut a lot of stain. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go over there and get some gynecological work done. Does he do that?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, he does. He does. He does. He can do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I need my tubes tied, baby. Christmas is coming. Are you a Christmas guy? Do you love the Christmas?

[Ralphie May]

I am. I am. I don't even. Happy holiday people. When people Happy holiday me. I, I. Merry Christmas then.

[Adam Carolla]

Me too, man. Good for you. Fist pound, buddy. I hate to do it on your broken hand, but.

[Ralphie May]

No, no, no, it's not broken anymore. It's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

I know what I love the whole Merry Christmas thing.

[Shira Lazar]

I celebrate both. I Hanukkah, and it is the first, second day now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Happy Hanukkah.

[Shira Lazar]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at this. Do we have to give?

[Ralphie May]

Are you from New York?

[Shira Lazar]

I'm from. I'm from Montreal.

[Ralphie May]

Oh, you're from Montreal.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm from North York.

[Shira Lazar]

Two Canadians in the house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ralphie May]

That's crazy. Yeah, my, my, My wife, she grew up in North York and she said that's the Jew district, Like the rich Jew district of Toronto.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ralphie May]

And like, Canadians. Canadians are that are Jewish are usually only from North York and, and Montreal. And that's it, basically.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's a. There's another area down, like, by this area called Bathurst, but I won't get into it.

[Ralphie May]

Oh, I played the one nighter there at a hotel. Yeah. For yuck. Yucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, wait a minute. So how do you handle Christmas? Because your, your wife's Jewish?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're Catholic?

[Ralphie May]

No, no, I'm a church of. What's happening now? I. I left all that behind me at 8. You know when they told me Santa Claus wasn't real? Like, I needed Santa Claus. This is a white trash Christmas story right here. I was. My mom. My mom was working a couple jobs and just no money. And we got told, you know, you get to buy one pair of shoes. And I fucked up in third grade, and I was 8. And I picked some kangaroos. Okay. Some burgundy kangaroos.

[Adam Carolla]

Burgundy?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, burgundy with the Velcro the latest invention. Yeah, but I ready with the, with the fucking Velcros. And it had the little coin thing on the side.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a player.

[Ralphie May]

And by Thanksgiving trick, by Thanksgiving, they were fucking high top flip flops. The whole sole had ripped off the bottom of it. So I had tape on my shoes and my friends made fun of me. And all I wanted, I wrote a letter to Santa Claus and I told him I wanted Adidas, you know, And I got. I got shoes from Walmart that looked like Adidas but had an extra stripe on them. And they told me that that's when my mom broke it to me that Santa Claus wasn't real. Because I was cussing him out. I was calling him a fuck, you know, I was. I was so pissed. You have no idea. Everybody else wanted Star wars shit and all this stuff like that. You just wanted GI Joes. I just wanted a fucking great pair of shoes. That's all I wanted. That's why, that's why as a fucking adult with money now I've got. I've got way more shoes. I've got probably three times as many shoes as my wife.

[Adam Carolla]

How many pairs of shoes do you have?

[Ralphie May]

I'd say 80.

[Adam Carolla]

Get out of here.

[Ralphie May]

Swear to fucking God. And most time I just wear my boots. That's all. I wear these. Wait a minute, Italian.

[Adam Carolla]

You have 80 pairs of shoes?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, easy.

[Adam Carolla]

Like running shoes or like dress shoes?

[Ralphie May]

Some. That's all.

[Adam Carolla]

That's crazy.

[Ralphie May]

It all stems from. It all stems from that.

[Giovanni]

Running shoes.

[Ralphie May]

Wow, that is kind of funny. Cross trainers.

[Shira Lazar]

Yeah, I know guys collect those. There's a lot of guys I know that collect like Nikes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm the opposite. I buy a pair of shoes, I wear them until they wear out, and then I get a new pair of shoes. Yes.

[Ralphie May]

You always had more coming. You always had more. Like, like your, your sensibility, your parents sensibility when you're growing up was that like if you want it for anything, you could get it.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to know the truth? My parents. My parents were, you know, they did well. My, my father did well, but they were cheap.

[Ralphie May]

My parents weren't even Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they were Catholic. For my Christmas, I'd get a pencil case.

[Ralphie May]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Or something ridiculous. I should have 80 pencil cases.

[Ralphie May]

Same reasoning.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Ralphie, we want to. We want to plug your dates as we keep going along here. Ralphie's a hilarious stand up comedian. I'm gonna tell you folks again. You've seen him on Last Comic Standing. You've bought his DVDs you've seen his specials. You've seen him on the Tonight Show. He's hilarious. He's working this country. He's gonna be doing some shows this weekend. Ralphie, where are you gonna be? Where can they see you? Show times. Give us the clap.

[Ralphie May]

I'm everywhere. Wherever you are in the nation, I'll get to you. I'm also. Next spring, I'm going to Afghanistan with the 101st Airborne. And STU and I went to Iraq with Bob Marley, our good, dear friend Bobby Marley.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, Bobby Marley. What a huge comedian. Check him out. I know, but where are you that you're here somewhere?

[Ralphie May]

This weekend I'm in Brea, but it's not gonna air. This doesn't air right now. Tomorrow. All right, then, fuck me, I'm at Brea.

[Adam Carolla]

This weekend you're in Brea at the Improv.

[Ralphie May]

And then next weekend I'm at some casino out in Palm Springs. And then Christmas time, I'm in Zany's in Nashville, chilling out my house there.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, do you have any new, like. Like CDs or DVDs that we can mention?

[Ralphie May]

I have four, and I would have three more if comedy Central get out their ass. Nobody's buying comedy specials anymore. It's like, you know, they, like, you know, Ralph, you put out. I taped two in one night. And then. And they were like, no one had ever done that before. And then I did Ostentatious, and that one I delivered 90 minutes on. And they were like, you know, we could break this up into two if we wanted to. And I'm like, okay. But they went with a 42 minute cut. But now they go. We continually play all three of your specials that you've done for us, you know, because you write so quick and you did them so fast that we don't need to buy any more from you. And I'm like, well, fuck it. Let's put it on anyways. I mean, I mean, well, wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

What about, like, you have a. Do you have a website with a store where people can go and pick them up?

[Ralphie May]

Yeah. Ralphiemay.com youm can get all four of them on there. I have all four specials.

[Adam Carolla]

Go get them, folks.

[Ralphie May]

And none of the stuff, because everybody, like, wants me to do old bits. But I think it's like, comedy's not like. Like music, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ralphie May]

Like, if you go see music and like the stones, you pay 150 for, you know, so. So seats.

[Adam Carolla]

And you want to see the hits.

[Ralphie May]

Yeah, yeah, just the fucking hits, Mick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ralphie May]

Don't play your fucking new album. I don't give a shit. That's like that Bruce Springsteen new song you had when Obama was being inaugurated and in the super bowl, that song blew. Just the hits. Bruce.

[Adam Carolla]

That's got to be tough for a musician, too, because. Yeah, I went to see. I'm gonna say it. I went to see Billy Idol a few weeks ago. I love that guy.

[Ralphie May]

I love that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And he still got it. He's still.

[Ralphie May]

80s music is so underrated, man. I'm telling you.

[Adam Carolla]

And he was so good, and. And all of a sudden he goes, all right, everybody, now we're gonna do one of our new songs. And the place just went quiet, and it was actually an okay song, but you're just kind of like, hurry up, get through. He's like, oh, thanks for letting us do it, you know, and then he bit the head off his guitarist or something.

[Giovanni]

Awesome.

[Ralphie May]

I love all that old stuff. I think there's a lot of great 80s music that's very underrated that we've. That we're so close to it now that we don't see how great it was. You know, rock and roll really changed. And unfortunately, at the end, you know, hair kind of made it comical, you know, with all these, you know, this stupid lyrics, like, every rose has a thorn. Go yourself with that stupidity. All right, but, you know. But there's a lot of great music. The cars, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, here's the great. Here's the great music, Ralphie. And I hope you like this, okay, because we're wrapping up the show. But I want to end the show because I didn't. Your little kind of sad Christmas story.

[Ralphie May]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

So Harlan's gonna sing his buddy Ralphie as we go out. A beautiful little Christmas carol. And here it comes. I wish Ralphie a merry Christmas I wish Ralphie a merry Christmas My Christmases

[Ralphie May]

are so merry now.

[Adam Carolla]

Merry Christmas. And no drug dogs, but some new shoes.

[Ralphie May]

It's a hit. It's a hit.

[Adam Carolla]

Ladies and gentlemen, Ralphie, may you get that? Go to.

[Ralphie May]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

Radio show Ralphie, thank you for being

[Adam Carolla]

on the Adam Corolla show, buddy. Great to have you here, bud.

[Ralphie May]

It was great to be here. Not with Adam. Where the is Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey. I miss.

[Ralphie May]

Last time I was here, he was late. This time he doesn't even show up. He loves me not. He loves filming Hammer, too.

[Adam Carolla]

What the. He loves you. We love you, Shira. Thank you so much.

[Ralphie May]

You're amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Good luck to you.

[Ralphie May]

Best of luck on the job. It is very difficult to recopy and banter with comedians. It really is.

[Adam Carolla]

And you were great.

[Ralphie May]

You were fucking great above me.

[Adam Carolla]

And thank you. Over here we have. Oh, look at this. Thank you to everyone in the booth. I'm Harlan Williams. Please check out my podcast, the Harlan Highway. You can get it at harlanwilliams.com or at Pod Track. And that's it. We are out of here. Happy holidays, everybody. And Adam Carolla, wherever, wherever you are, come and burp me. Good night, everybody. All right, that's adam Cole Show 459.

[Bald Bryan]

Hope you guys enjoyed those episodes. That does it for today's scroll classics.

[Adam Carolla]

Until tomorrow, I'm hollow and Get It On.

[Bald Bryan]

At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Bald Bryan]

There were thousands, thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files. May cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay. Never. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place, Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice.

[Lisa Lampanelli]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Bald Bryan]

There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files. May cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay. Never.