Hey, How Are Ya! w/ Usama Siddiquee

Summary

Adam Carolla Show (June 11, 2026): "Hey, How Are Ya!" w/ Usama Siddiquee

Episode Overview

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show features comedian Usama Siddiquee, best known for his run on the Netflix/Kevin Hart series. In true Carolla fashion, the conversation blends sharp cultural commentary, riffs on comedy and show business, personal stories, controversial takes, and no-holds-barred humor. The focus traverses the realities of competition in show business, generational and cultural shifts, personal upbringing, and a range of current events dissected through Adam and Usama’s irreverent lens.

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Key Subjects & Insights

The Competitive Path in Comedy and Showbiz

(02:23 - 06:01)

• Adam introduces Usama, highlighting his second-place finish on “Funny as Fuck,” and muses on how often “number two” in talent competitions goes on to have more sustained success than winners.
• Usama shares the emotional impact of losing on a big stage, but admits the visibility and underdog narrative are invaluable for a comedian’s career.

  “The pressure is off. Now everything you do, there’s kind of that underdog indignance.” – Usama Siddiquee (03:36)

• Adam compares this to sports: “There’s something more glorious about that [a gritty strikeout] than a garden variety home run.” (04:21)

From Clubs to Theaters: Tangible Measures of Success

(05:05 - 06:01)

• Discussion of the immediate, numbers-driven feedback in a comic’s career: How fast do shows sell out, and how quickly do you move from clubs to theaters.
• Usama explains the rapid overnight change after his TV appearance: “We had to add shows…it was that level of change.” (05:31)

Breaking Into TV: Auditions & Psych Evals

(06:01 - 06:48)

• Usama describes the audition process for TV competitions, including forms, interviews, and even a psychological evaluation:

  “There’s a therapist…did you ever want to kill yourself? And I’m like, only after a bad set, haha. They’re like, so, when you wanted to kill yourself…” – Usama Siddiquee (06:11)

Comedy, Language, and Cultural Taboos

(06:48 - 09:20)

• Adam and Usama explore how jokes about self-harm and other taboo topics have become heavily policed, compared to the looseness of earlier decades.
• Dissection of “gay” as an insult in generational context, generational differences in acceptable language, and vintage stereotypes (“Bruce” for a gay man, “Bubba” for a big black guy).
• Adam’s signature: “We used to have a name. If we made a guy gay, his name was Bruce…If you were a big black cellmate in prison, his name is Bubba.” (08:38)

Urban Legends: Pre-Internet Rumors and Pop Culture

(09:23 - 11:16)

• The pair mock the persistence of urban legends (Rod Stewart’s infamous “incident” and Richard Gere gerbil story) and how these rumors spread nationwide before the internet.

  “That Rod Stewart story was from 1977…got from here to Brattleboro, Vermont, and everywhere in between.” – Adam Carolla (11:16)

Family Upbringing: Traditional South Asian Immigrant Experience

(16:54 - 19:01)

• Usama recalls his Texas upbringing, family expectations for medical school, and turning to comedy instead.

  “Day before I left, I revealed…I’m gonna do comedy. They were losing their minds. My single dad tear, really. My mom was throwing pots and pans…” – Usama Siddiquee (18:18)

• Adam contrasts this with the American “just leave the house” parental approach.

Parental Discipline and Cultural Norms

(19:00 - 21:17)

• Hilarious (and dark) recollections of being disciplined, including rolling pins and shouts in Bengali.
• Adam references vintage comics like “Andy Capp” (revolving around domestic abuse jokes) as a reflection of different cultural standards.

  “Every punchline was literally a punchline. He punched his wife.” – Adam Carolla (23:23)

Intergenerational Trauma and British Pop Culture

(21:17 - 22:32)

• Usama and Adam discuss how rough circumstances in post-war Britain may have bred legendary bands and a certain blithe approach to adversity.

Classic Comedy Hooks & Bit Routines

(24:16 - 27:16)

• Exploration of vintage comedians’ hooks—Nipsey Russell’s rhyme schtick is sampled, leading to a conversation about “one bit” careers, a style now mostly extinct.

  “You could feed your whole family off one bit.” – Usama Siddiquee (25:15)

• The origins of “Nipsey Hussle”’s name (inspired by Nipsey Russell) are explained. (24:41 - 27:16)

Representation, Authenticity & Exploiting Prestige

(32:34 - 52:27)

• They examine historic cases of racial identity fraud:
  • Marlon Brando’s infamous Oscar protest with Sacheen Littlefeather, who was later revealed not to be Native American.

    “Everything is always a lie. Every…thing has always been a lie.” – Adam Carolla (36:49)

  • Parallels to Mindy Kaling’s brother posing as Black for admissions, Adam’s grandmother’s claims to Daughters of the American Revolution, etc.

  “We shouldn’t give prestige to groups just for being in the group. It should be the individual achievement within the group.” – Adam Carolla (52:11)

• Usama jokes about adapting Charlie Hill's legendary Native American "Hi, how are you?" bit for his standup. (29:55 - 53:09)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Competition Careers:

  “Number two probably bears better. So this is good for you.” – Adam Carolla (03:05)

• On Millennial Therapy Quagmires:

  “This therapist is like, ‘So, did you ever want to kill yourself?’ and I’m like, ‘Only after a bad set, ha ha, right?’” – Usama Siddiquee (06:11) “We’ve taken threatening the life of the president and threatening to kill yourself way too seriously in the last decade.” – Adam Carolla (06:48)

• On Parental Discipline:

  “She was aiming for the joints. That was also a thing.” – Usama Siddiquee (19:18)
  “If you were gay, you’d be Bruce.” – Adam Carolla (08:56)

• On Lies and Identity:

  “Everything is always a lie…Nothing is ever won.” – Adam Carolla (36:49)

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“The News” Segment with Adam Yenzer

(75:25 - 103:56)

Homeless Vote Buying Scandal

(75:25 - 80:07)

• News breaks about homeless people in LA being allegedly paid to vote for certain candidates.

  “It always benefits the left. And they always fight it. But they explain it’s not happening.” – Adam Carolla (76:05)

• Discussion about incentivized fraud in policy and the inevitability of such exploitation when systems are gamable.

Jasmine Crockett: Racial Politics and Tragedy

(82:32 - 85:57)

• Coverage of Crockett’s controversial comments regarding Black mothers’ pain outweighing the pain of victims’ families in recent tragedies.

  “How about dads raise your kids. That’ll help. Or don’t bring knives to track meets.” – Adam Carolla (83:21)

• Adam calls for “calling balls and strikes”—not reflexively defending members of your group, regardless of facts.

Bill Gates, Epstein, and Nerd Temptations

(91:19 - 94:41)

• Gates reportedly blackmailed by Epstein over infidelity.

  “When you’re a nerd…you just invent the Rubik’s Cube at 35 and now you’re a billionaire…now you have opportunity.” – Adam Carolla (92:57)

Karen Bass’s Brother Sues LA over Malibu Fire

(94:59 - 99:51)

• Usama and Adam dissect the financial and social oddities of lawsuits following property loss among the wealthy.
• Adam: “Annoyance? Is somebody eating popcorn really loud at a movie theater behind you?” (95:18)

LAX Security & Stereotyping

(65:34 - 68:20)

• Conversation on racial/ethnic job patterns (Filipino nurses, Black TSA).

  “I think Filipino nurse nationally, but locally, LAX security, black.” – Adam Carolla (68:12)

ICE, City Resources, and Rhetoric

(101:46 - 103:56)

• Clip played of Nithya Raman (“No Kings, No ICE”) and broad criticism of progressive slogans.

  “Anyone who says, ‘I would like to abolish…’ I would like a detailed plan as to what you’re replacing that thing with.” – Adam Carolla (101:01)

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Other Humorous & Candid Moments

• Adam and Usama riff about rolling pins, Andy Capp, and social changes around what’s acceptable in comedy and everyday conversation.
• Usama provides glimpses into the cutthroat nature of family snack consumption (61:24), the lingering effect on relationships with free food, and how childhood deprivation shapes adult behavior.

  “If you take your kid and you deprive them just enough of food, they’ll have an illness with free food for the rest of their…life.” – Adam Carolla (61:54)

• Discussion of generational ‘hooks’ for comedians, with live Nipsey Russell video and jokes.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:23 – Introduction/Competition/Career Paths
• 06:11 – The Psych Eval & Censorship in Comedy
• 09:23 – Urban Legends & Pre-Internet Myths
• 16:54 – Usama on Leaving Med School for Comedy
• 24:41 – Comedy “Hooks,” Nipsey Russell
• 32:34 – Authenticity and Prestige: Brando & Littlefeather
• 53:09 – Charlie Hill, Native American Comedy
• 75:25 – The News: Homeless Vote Buying
• 83:21 – Jasmine Crockett & Race in Politics
• 92:03 – Bill Gates, Infidelity, Epstein
• 101:46 – ICE/Abolitionism in LA Politics

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Closing / Guest Plugs

• Usama Siddiquee:
  Instagram: @usamastandsup
  Website: usamastandsup.com (tour dates, upcoming shows)

• Adam Carolla:
  AdamCarolla.com for tour dates (Oklahoma City, Tulsa, more).

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In Summary

Full of irreverent banter, this episode blends the cultural observations, unapologetic rants, and quick-witted camaraderie that define The Adam Carolla Show. It’s equally a time capsule of mid-2020s American comedy and a raw reflection on the state of the culture, media, and social mores. Usama Siddiquee’s immigrant upbringing and comedy journey provide a humanizing counterweight to Adam’s veteran curmudgeon. This episode is a must-hear (or must-read!) for anyone seeking laughs with a sharp edge and a window into contemporary comedy’s intersection with everything else.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in this episode, very funny. Comedian Osama Siddiq joins me Also. Adam Yenzer's got the news and we'll do that right after this.

[Producer/Announcer]

You're invited to a special audience screening of the world famous KROC doc.

[Adam Carolla]

We were the first to play the

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

biggest bands in the history of music

[Producer/Announcer]

with producer Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

I made the KROQ documentary because I kept running into people who had their own stories about KROQ and their memories

[Producer/Announcer]

of kroq featuring no doubt, Green Day, Red Hot chili peppers, Blink 182, Depeche Mode, the Cure, U2.

[Adam Carolla]

Los Angeles has a musical punch. That fist has KROQ right on it. KROC is where everything happens. We started broadcasting September 2nd of 1972. We didn't have any listeners.

[Producer/Announcer]

The world famous Kroc Doc.

[Adam Carolla]

It captures a time that will never exist again.

[Producer/Announcer]

Saturday, June 20th at 8pm [e-mail] at

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

first I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Adam Carolla]

There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Truth is that it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien Encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay never.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

I started Ornod in 2013 and we make bike apparel.

[Adam Carolla]

The best part of Shopify for me is our ability to run the business as essentially non technical people.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

We're able to admin everything on the

[Adam Carolla]

back end, front end and sell things online easily.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

If Shopify were a bike accessory, I think it would actually be the bicycle.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify. Start your free trial on shopify.com.

[Producer/Announcer]

From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla show. Adam's guest today, comedian Usama Siddiqui. Plus the news with Adam Yenzer. And now Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on Got to get on the church. We got a mandate. Get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for telling a friend. Love that about you. Sama Siddiqui, comedian. You may have seen him on the Netflix series, the Kevin Hart series. Funny as fuck. I'll say. The whole thing here came in second. You know though, and I never thought about this. Everyone wants to win all the competitions, but if you Go back and you look at American Idol or singer or comics, everybody. I feel like number two has a better, longer career than number one.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Clay Aiken, Jennifer Hudson, all the great

[Adam Carolla]

comedians, One Direction, all the funniest. The funniest Americans. Yeah. You know what? I don't know. Let's look up who won the major stuff. Now, you can't do Dancing with the Stars because. Because Mario Lopez was Mario Lopez before Dancing with the Stars. But the shows that are like America's Got Talent, I'd say the Idol and stuff like that. Number two probably bears better. So this is good for you.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

It felt good. I mean, in the moment. It was devastating, man. I mean, Jesus Christ. Like, on screen, millions of people not hearing the name destroyed me. But then 10 seconds in, I had those same thoughts. I was like, it's all good. And the visibility's crazy. The fans are there, and the pressure is off. Now everything you do, there's kind of that underdog indignance. People are like, no, man, you should have won. Blah, blah, blah. And that helps way more than, oh, so you won. Let's see what's up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. I agree in a weird way. When I used to play baseball a lot, and I'd fantasize, like, a lot of guys would fantasize about hitting the home run. I would fantasize about having an incredible at bat that ended up with a strikeout.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Where you foul off seven balls and you hit three that just missed a foul pole. Sure. And would have been home runs. And then you take a big cut and go out like. There's something more glorious about that than a garden variety home run.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

People love the grit more than anything. You know, that shove that Wemby did to Brunson recently, that's gonna Brunson in this beautiful, like, underdog thing that root for even more.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I agree.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

And I have that love for that. And I think the journey's always more fun. But it doesn't really matter, man. If you got on the show at that level, you're getting seen by so many fucking people that it does not matter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you can tell. I mean, the thing about doing comedy is you don't need to look at the Nielsen ratings or the overnights or how you're doing in your demographic. You just go, how fast did that club sell out? And are we moving to a theater? From a club? We're going from a club into a theater. And what size is the theater? You don't have to look at any spreadsheets. It's Just people see you and you sell tickets.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Dude, it was so crazy. The change after the show that one weekend had two different deals. One was a guarantee, the other one was a percentage. And it happened overnight that we had to add shows. And you could see it in the deals. Like, one week was this, and the next week was that. It was that level of change.

[Adam Carolla]

How long ago did you tape the Kevin Hart show?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Which one? I mean, it's like it was November, a couple of the first rounds, and then this early May was the final rounds.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so that was very recent.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

It's happened right this one month.

[Adam Carolla]

How they select you or how'd you. I mean, how to audition. You got to send in a tape. I mean, I'm saying send in a tape, but you know what I mean?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I know. Oh, my God, Adam. It was like questionnaire on Google Doc. They give you a little questionnaire. Then they kind of had a little interview process. And then they had a psych evel where a therapist is talking to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, therapist.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

The whole deal. Because if you're gonna be on reality show, you gotta be not suicidal in some way. But then as a comedian, you know, I'm making jokes. Cause they're like, this therapist is like, so, did you ever want to kill yourself? And I'm like, only after a bad set. Ha ha. Right? Am I right? And they're like, so when you wanted to kill yourself, how was that feeling? And how did it affect your family? Like, oh, God, shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. You know, we've. We've taken threatening the life of the president and threatening to kill yourself way too seriously in the last decade. Because it used to be a comedian could be caught by TM and go, we should blow up the White House. Now you'll get arrested, of course, even though there's no way deal. Hugly could blow up the White House. Or Madonna could blow up the White House. And comedians, you know, you joke like, oh, my. You know, I'd kill myself if. You know, whatever. If my ex ever dated. Blah, blah, blah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Forget that. You can't even be, like, gay. That was every day yelling, something's gay. Yeah, that was every day. My mom yelled that.

[Adam Carolla]

The part I loved about gay is just the idea. Well, it's the explanation where you have to talk to actual gay people and go, I'm not saying gay, like suck dick like you. I'm saying gay, like super lame. Like, you don't want to be that. Like you're embarrassed to be around older gays.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Understand this. Older gay people Are like, honey, that's gay. They'll throw it in. It's the newer ones that are kind of. They're not as fun.

[Adam Carolla]

My thing that's funny about the gays is when either the gays or the politicians, like, when progressive politicians are like, I got knee pads for Donald Trump cuz he's sucking Vladimir Putin's dick. It's like, it's not supposed to be an insult to engage in gay behavior if you're a progressive politician of California.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not supposed to be making fun of guys for engaging in gay sexuality.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They don't know because they've never been bullied. Understand the nuance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a lot of nuance.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Bullied by a bigger man not to understand these things.

[Adam Carolla]

I miss. You're too young. We used to have a name. If we made a guy gay. His name was Bruce. Hey, Bruce. What? You're such a sweet savage, Bruce. You picked a name. If you were a big black guy, your name was Bubba. If you're a gay guy, your name was Bruce.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I did not know. This is new.

[Adam Carolla]

We had names and we spoke a certain way, but like I said, if you had a big black cellmate in prison, his name is Bubba Crazy. And then what they would go is, you're gonna get stuck in some cell with some dude named Bubba and have to watch him shit in that toilet all day. And then if you were gay, you'd be Bruce.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

What show is this from? Like, what'd y' all learn? The Bruce thing.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, before the Internet. You gotta really think about this. There was a rumor that Rod Stewart ingested so much semen that he had to have his stomach pumped. Whoa. Okay, Now, I grew up in North Hollywood, California. I met guys later on in life from Brattleboro, Vermont. And I said, we're the same age. Yeah. The whole Rod Stewart stomach. Yeah. He took too much semen. I'm like, how to get. How to get to Brattleboro, Vermont? There's no Internet. Like carrier pigeon.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's just a trail of semen that you got to follow.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to follow that trail of tears, the trail of semen, the trail of smears. Yeah, you lose a bit of stream every once in a while, but you pick it back up on the other side.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

A guy, they got the Come Whisperer. He finds it, man.

[Adam Carolla]

They used an American Indian, you know what I mean? He just takes a knee.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Mad man who drinks even how.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so there were wives tales and there were. It was. It was that Rod Stewart had to have a stomach pump. It is insane because it's not even how. It's not practical. Like, how does it work? Do you line up a bunch of dudes? Do you have a bunch of dudes all use one receptacle? Do you break into a fertil fertility clinic and raid the place?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's where Bubba comes in one. Bubba has so much jizz for one Bruce. It could be that.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And even the. Even the. Even the Richard Gere hamster thing, that was pre. Yeah, that was pre Internet too. So, I mean, we used to be able to get a story around. People are like, oh, the Internet. You know, the Internet these days. Fuck. That Rod Stewart story was from 1977.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Got from here to Brattleboro, Vermont, and everywhere in between.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, I mean, I've heard these stories. I used to read, like, old Hollywood stuff and, you know, read things about Warren Beatty and what he was doing, but that was actually happening. No, like, he was actually fucking everything that moved.

[Adam Carolla]

Warren Beatty?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I knew Molly Ringwald when she was getting started, and there was, oh, I'm gonna go hang out with Warren. So, like, that guy, he was doing it.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I mean, the whole Hollywood. I heard they had, like, a fixer for all of Katharine Hepburn's gay tendencies. You know, they had, like, a person you go to if you wanted to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was a better time because you could just pay people to fix stuff, you know, and now you can't really pay people to fix stuff.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

There's no fixers left. Cause that guy's on Instagram trying to get his fixer business up on the, you know, up and up. Yeah, everyone's got the social media going.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. It was in all the movies. Like, you watch the Aviator, the Howard Hughes movie. It's like, he's got to go talk to a guy. He's got to give him money. Money used to be handed over and folded over newspapers. Right, right. It was like a lot of, take this newspaper, put cash on top, roll it, and no, there was never an issue where someone went, I opened the newspaper, there's no cash. Shit. It must have slipped out when I was here somewhere. No, you take a racing form, you put cash in it, you fold it over, you put it under your arm, and then I pass you on the sidewalk and I grab it.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Boom.

[Adam Carolla]

And now I've fixed whatever needed to be fixed.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I never lived through that time period. I mean, early on, drug usage, they were doing the handoff where you do the hand check, and then you have some Drugs in the hand. I was at the tail end of that. I was a big molly kid. So whenever I had the molly it would be like done like that.

[Adam Carolla]

How does molly make you feel?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

So good, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

It's like high empathy. It's not like people think that the standard concept is that it's like I love you, drug, like I love you, dude. But it's not that vague. It's very much like you go up to somebody, like I love how you listen. It's very specific, empathic comments. I'll call my brothers on it. Talk about how I should love them. It's very, very empathic.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know, in a weird way. Okay, let me float this. Cause I remember getting high on mushrooms.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And when I was high on mushrooms for the first time, I went and watched tv. And I watched it through a different lens.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Because when you're in society you have to block out a lot. Otherwise you would go insane because everything would make you go, what? What's going on? But when I was high on mushrooms, I saw a commercial. I saw two commercials. I saw one for a press on nail commercial for ladies. And they're these red Lee press on nails and you press them on and it was like the female in the species wears a bloody red nail on the end of her claws to attract the male. And that's a kind of weird thing in for humans. Like it feels very animalistic. They're red, they're essentially claws. And the better they are, the more the male species may be attracted and want to mate with them. Which is weird when you're high. But when you're not high, it's just a commercial and you move right on, of course. And then I saw a monster truck commercial and it was like monster trucks smashing cars and the audience like screaming. And I was like, this is weird too that we cheer big trucks smashing small cars.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Dude, how old are you there?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like 19.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's a great thought process for a 19 year old kid to break down those concepts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What was the. Thank the mushrooms.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's good. It's because you're de mystifying women a little bit. 19. All you want to do is fuck. All you want to do is be inside. But being understanding the concepts behind it, that's a good thing to.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying when you get high. So if you brought somebody from a different time in a different civilization and just sat them down and they showed them everything, they'd go insane. Like they'd go, oh my God, the phone Just what the phone can do.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

It would be shrooms already. Yeah, it would be shrooms.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But we're living in it every day, so we never stop and really think about it or examine it. But when you get high on mushrooms, it's like a reset. It's like you did come from a different civilization and you were dropped off and you're seeing everything going, this is so weird, dude.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

The first time I did shrooms, it was kind of like that, where I broke down some. Some dating concepts or some female to male concepts. I remember you did shrooms, and I was like, why is. The first thought I had was, why is fucking as a man so important? And I thought of the mechanical concept of fucking a woman and being like, why does this in and out make me more of a man?

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Mm.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

And that's what I was thinking. So kind of on the same tip as the nail polish as, like, why does. Why does shoving your dick into somebody mechanically make you more of a man? It didn't make sense to me why we're so obsessed with that as a culture. That was my shroom strip.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm glad we had bizarre sexual examinations of society.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah. And then we became gay, and then

[Adam Carolla]

we gave sucking dick bringing knee pads.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Only one answer, buddy, to that one.

[Adam Carolla]

So you've come. Your Dallas is where you grew up in Plano, Texas.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Went to med school.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, Was gonna be. I got into med school, and then day before I left, I was. I just went to comedy. Did. Went to New York to do comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are your parents from?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Bangladesh.

[Adam Carolla]

So then they must. Where they. They're good with the med school.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They loved it. That was triple sevens for less. Immigrant dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Less good with the comedy.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, see, the thing about. They hated it, being from here and being white. Your parents are like, go fucking do whatever you want. You gotta leave. Well, they're not cool. They're just like. The guy who lives in the apartment unit down the hall doesn't really care if you do comedy either. He just, you gotta leave. I mean, you can't do it in his living room. You know what I mean? My parents were like, you can do whatever you want outside of the house. But they didn't have thoughts about me being a doctor versus being a comedian. It was just, you had to leave.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's funny, dude. Just don't make me raise you till you're dead.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But your parents had thought, well, yeah,

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

it's like, you know, a lot of South Asian cultures.

[Adam Carolla]

Were your parents professionals?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, my mom was my dad was a. Was an engineer, so LS engineer so very. I mean, also, it's a very, like, traditionalist environment where the family structure is very, like, stringent. Yeah. They're very much like, you have to do this for the honor of the family. And that's also very much in play.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

And so I was the one. I was the golden child. I was the one that was going to get the doctor thing. Then day before I left, I revealed to them I was like, I'm gonna do comedy. They were losing their minds. My single dad tear, really? My mom was throwing pots and pans. She's like, what the hell is this? Go. You're gonna go be gay somewhere. New York means gay by. That's shorthand for gay in immigrant culture is like, go to New York and suck a lot of whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

But did your mom really throw pots?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's old school.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, she was fucking insane. I mean, now we're cool. We're cool now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sure.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

She was a horrific, you know, strict disciplinarian of the highest order. She was a beater of the highest caliber.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah. My mom's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

What would she sound like if she was beating you?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You know, dude, thank God it wasn't silent. I feel like those ones had the most trauma. It's just a mom. Just clinically.

[Adam Carolla]

She was talking.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

She was talking. Thrown down. She was like, you fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking fuck.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Bloody fuck. Fuck you.

[Adam Carolla]

Always Indian secretary.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Come on, Bengali shit. And she was aiming for the joints. That was also a thing. Like, she.

[Adam Carolla]

What was she hitting with?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

She had this dough roller. I don't know if you know this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. Oh, a rolling pin.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Rolling pin.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me tell you something. Rolling pin is what? Traditionally, the wives would chase the husbands around. Like, if you watch. And it was either rolling pin or frying pan, which is, like, a lot of trouble in the kitchen back then. Like, no one ever got hit with an ottoman. They got hit with a rolling pin or frying pan. And like, Andy Cap, which is a great cartoon about a British guy who punches his wife all the time.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

What the hell?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. When you see Andy Cap, you can't. Andy Cap was a cartoon that ran for 50 years, and every single one was, he's getting drunk at a pub and smoking. He'd come home and his wife would say, you're late and dinner's cold. And then the next caption was her being thrown through a wall because he punched her in the face.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

But she would chase him. Women would chase you with A rolling pin. Yes, that's what we called it. And your mom would beat you with apple pigs.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Absolute rolling pin.

[Adam Carolla]

So your mom was a big fan of American Comic Strip.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

She might have been like, this is for. This is for Andy's wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you know, the come up.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

The come up cup up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she was a revenge for Andy's wife, by the way. It was in the Sunday papers. It was the Sunday papers. Color, Color.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That was Family Circus back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This is. Andy Camp was an alcoholic who lived in like Chichester, England or something and would go to the pub. It was real, like, worked in a factory in England. Would go to the pub, would get drunk, would come home, would abuse his wife. That was the joke.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You know what's so crazy? That's crazy and horrific. But I think British culture back then, they had way less money back then. Wasn't. Isn't that why all the great bands are from Britain at that time? Because the life was actually shitty. They had no money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there was.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Everyone was kind of like destitute or there was poverty.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, they got bombed out in World War II pretty badly. And you know, like, you talk to guys like Ozzy Osbourne, they were born not that long after the raids and remember just walking around with bomb craters and bricks toppled over and like having to physically rebuild because Germany bombed the shit out of them. But they didn't give up.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, Winston Churchill, who was great, but then also he also engineered famines in India too. So there's a love hate thing going on there with me and Winston.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he engineered a famine.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Well, he was. He basically, Bengal was going. He like did some shit to the grain that just had. That had a famine to buckle down to people and it was, you know, there's. There's some. There's some war crime stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a British occupied thing.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

British occupied thing back then, before the 40s, before 47. So that's a little bit of. There's some evil there.

[Adam Carolla]

Cigar smoker.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like to. Like to do some day drinking. All right, so let's see. Oh, she's chasing with a. With a frying pan. Wow. All right, mate. Wait, you fast forward.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

She's fighting back and they get into

[Adam Carolla]

a big fight and then he knocks her out. Did anyone call while I was out? Oh, she's knocked out. He knocked his wife out. That's a funny cartoon, right?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's crazy. Lol.

[Adam Carolla]

Find another one of him. He would punch her through the wall.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's so insane. And this is Sunday Morning.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Sunday morning. God. And probably. Probably a lot of guys drinking a cup of coffee on a Sunday morning going, hey, that's right. I gotta beat this on my old lady, man. I'm hungover.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

And you know, these are not the paw sounding British. These are the. The all vowels.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's the British we're talking about here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. Every punchline was literally a punchline. He punched his wife.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

What was that cockney thing where they have the rhyming of their phrases? You're talking about Apple and Pez mean stairs. Oh, you know, I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

They're thinking about. Who makes those films all the time.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Guy Ritchie.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy Ritchie is that kind of Guy Ritchie?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, the. The old trouble in strife means wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? I did not know that.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Very fascinating thing that they do where, like their phrases are rhyming words that are not said. So, you know, the old. The old trouble and strife means wife.

[Adam Carolla]

We have. God, I'm trying to think of who does that out here. Well, we used to have. There used to be a comedian named Nipsey Russell. What? See, I'm opening your eyes to many things.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

The rapper's name was based off a white dude.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the rapper's dude, rapper was killed.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Nipsey Hussle.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

He named himself after Nipsey Russell.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's what I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Black guy. There's no white guy named Nipsey.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Gotcha.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I was like, wait a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Nipsey Russell. If you find a clip of Nipsey Russell, Nipsey Russell's thing as a comedian was he rhymed everything.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's an old school black dude style. I feel like.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what was interesting is back in the day, comedians just had a thing like a hook. Like almost as if, like there were one hit wonder band, but that's all anyone wanted to hear. So it would be like you were like Katrina and the Waves and you had Walking on Sunshine and everyone knew it. And you just played it every single time you were on TV and everything you did. And it would go on for 25 years. And it was just like a weird, an edge or rapper thing.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Right? You could feed your whole family off one bit.

[Adam Carolla]

And a lot of it was like rhythm based. And it was weird. It was like, I mean, you know, I guess you can kind of say, you know, get er done or you may know if you're a redneck or something. You may know you. You may be a redneck if. Or something. There's a little of that around, but not really? Back then, guys had stuff. Nipsey Russell rhymed his shit and everyone loved it.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They're like, do the rhyme thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's Nipsey Russell? It's got to be on a game show. Guys would go on game shows. Guys would be on game show circuits back then, too. And then at a certain point, you stopped doing stand up. You were just on game shows.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like a professional game show actor, right? Like being on a series.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Hollywood Square, something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Really old school Hollywood Square.

[Adam Carolla]

All the match games and the Hollywood. Yeah, they were just.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, yeah, I've seen this.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's listen to. What is your poem, Nipsey? Hurricanes are named after women. Cause they work on the very same plan. Start up over nothing, make a whole lot of noise and can't be controlled by man. 50% of married women cheat on their husbands. That's what the researcher claims. Percentages don't mean a thing to me. What I need to know is some names. Funny. I went to see the doctor to get a Viagra pill. Now I'm on the run with a loaded gun and can't find nothing to kill. I just saw a movie about a mermaid. Don't understand the reason why it's not enough woman to make love to and too much fish to fry.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Grocery rhymes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Nipsey Russell, man.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's amazing. He's doing some jokes that people are still doing now.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Dang.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

The Viagra joke was done in the 70s. I didn't know this.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You could tell. The Viagra joke was later. The vagrant joke probably came around in the 80s or 90s.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They didn't have that in the 70s.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Sure. I'm like, blown away. I'm like, everyone's kind of doing him all of a sudden.

[Adam Carolla]

Did Nipsey Hussle name himself after Nipsey Russell? Because Nipsey Russell predated Nipsey Hussle. Yes. And Nipsey Russell. I don't know also. It's like, probably died in 05 or something. Okay.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Perhaps Nipsey. They're both LA guys. You're saying they're both like, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Nipsey Hussle's stage was inspired by and named as a playful veteran comedian. You don't have to move stuff, but thanks. Veteran comedian. Game A show panelist, Nipsey. Wow, Russell, you know, I was wondering. I'm proud to say I know both these gentlemen's names. That's a lot of range.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I thought you knew. Nipsey Hussle. I was like, adam, no. Hanging out with the rap.

[Adam Carolla]

Said, I watch TMZ just enough to know what's going on with those people.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I am so blown away. I'm like, I'm very proud of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And now you know who Nipsey Russell is, dude.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I'm gonna look him up. I'm a big fan of the old school style of comedy that kind of like Smothers Brothers era. I like seeing that.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know there were Indian. There was an Indian comedian from the 70s.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

American Indian.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Really? Yeah. There's no way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Are you sure it's not Neil Brenner and, like, Brownface?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wish. I wish. Sadly, no. I wish. Fine. What is his name? We've shown it a million times. Just the beginning of our American Indian comedian. Oh, Charlie Hill. Oh.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, not American Indian.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Good Indian. Good Indian.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

The ones I'm good.

[Adam Carolla]

The ones who know which way the train's going by putting their ear to the track.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

The deodorant.

[Adam Carolla]

Indians. Not the ones that beat their kids with rolling pins. Not those Indians. Fun Indian. Cool Indian. TV Indian. Not boring Indian.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Beat you with a big cigar that big.

[Adam Carolla]

Beat their kids for. Not for dropping out of med school Indian. Not that kind. Firewater Indians.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah. Beat their kids for not eating the whole buffalo. Yeah. I did not know this. Well, Charlie Hill is a huge guy. Wasn't he? Massive.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, like a big size. No, he was. He was a. He was an American Indian comedian. He was the only one amazing, and he was pretty funny. And he showed up in the mid-70s and his big. Well, I don't want to step on his opening. He always opened every show with the same joke, so he had his calling card joke, too.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

And this is Richard Pryor bringing him on.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

God damn, you're on the desert.

[Adam Carolla]

Thought I saw TV cameras in front of me. I'd like to introduce now a. A new talent on the show. A man that I met that gave me my name. Lahunje means black spirit. And his Indian brother, Iroquois Nation. Mr. Charlie Hill. Please welcome me,

[Producer/Announcer]

Richard.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems a little high. There it is. There we go.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I see this guy comes to joke. Hi, how are you?

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, how are you?

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Hi, how are you?

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Listen, I don't want to tell you what to do in your act, but you should open with that joke and fuck everyone up. Cause they're gonna. Their head's gonna explode because, like, he's Indian. Wait a minute. What kind of Indian.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Damn, that's a good joke.

[Adam Carolla]

You could do that.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's a good joke. That's a good joke.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that's a good joke. Every Indian, you know, when he was lying on his deathbed and the cancer specialist entered the room in the hospital he was in, he went, hi, how are you? And then he flatlined. Yes. That's how we went. He used.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That line was so good. He said, bye with high, Bye.

[Adam Carolla]

Bye. How are you?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Bye, Nipsey.

[Adam Carolla]

Russell died in 05. Did I say 05? That's if he died. I swear to God. I said, oh, five. Which. If he died in 05, that's nuts. Because I was taking a wild, wild guess.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't tell with black guys. They either go super young or they go, they're 107 years old. There's no, like, 73 and a half.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Well. And they always look great, no matter

[Adam Carolla]

what, right to the end.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

100% Excel. Who cares?

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't matter.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Gorgeous.

[Adam Carolla]

And also does not affect their jazz guitar playing at all.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They're all born with it.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all born with it.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Everyone's fucking Boo Riley, whatever his name is.

[Adam Carolla]

Next. Bo Diddley. Next time. Next time. That's all right. No, I love Bo Diddley. Diddly.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing you got to love about Bo Diddley is his number one hit was Bo Diddley.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, what if I wrote a song and I went, this one's called Adam Carolla. Here's how it goes. Adam Corolla. Adam Corolla. Adam. One of my friends would go, shut the up.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

And not only that, it became a top 40 hit. Like, it was like, people love Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

And he, like, made his own guitar out of, like, an oil can or something at a weird square guitar.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So next time. When are you going up next?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

What do you mean?

[Adam Carolla]

On stage today.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Today, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Will you open? Sure. With hi, how are you? I'm down Dooku. Go. You know, people should all, I'm Indian. And then just go, hi, how are you? And see the confused look in everyone's face.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Dude, I think I'm wondering how much American Indian is still left in the. In the lexicon. Because back then there was still enough to people for people to go on.

[Adam Carolla]

We had. They had a moment because we had. So. So we got. We got re. We re. We got reconnected with our American Indian roots because there was a movie and called Billy jack in the 70s. We made a movie called Billy Jack, which was a white guy with blue eyes named Tom Laughlin. But somehow he made himself Indian and the protector of all the Indians or whatever. And then that was a big thing. And then Marlon Brando had an Indian accept an Academy Award for him.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I saw this.

[Adam Carolla]

And that chick's not even Indian. Yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, my God. The twist.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know. You know that story, Dawson, right? That chick later on turned out to be Mexican, and her sister, like, sold her out because, you know, there's always a fucking sister that's in the wind, jealous, rolling her eyes, oh, that bitch is Mexican. But we had Brando send, you know, Charlotte Littlefeather out there to accept the award, whose real name was Mary Saul Hernandez or something.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Wait, is that Charlotte Littlefeather's actual name?

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's a little feather in there.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, my God. And I thought that was your shorthand for her.

[Adam Carolla]

It could have been one of these

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

goddamn little feathers up here.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I call those people squanto when I'm trying to make fun of. Her name is Sacheen Littlefeather. Sacheen Littlefeather. Real name is Maria Louise Cruz. Joy Mode. I'm not gonna sit here and read you some wellness script about optimizing your intimate wellness journey. Your dick runs on blood flow. Blood flow runs on nitric oxide. And nitric oxide drops as you age. Joy Mode puts it back. Four ingredients, clinical doses, all on the label. That's it. You don't need a prescription and there's no side effects. If you need some numbers, I'll give them to you. 83% of men taking Joy Mode daily. Notice the boost in sexual performance. You mix it in some water like an electrolyte packet for your dick. You stop having good nights and bad nights. You just have good nights. I got buddies who are telling me that they're laying it down like it's 1992 again. It's joy Mode, right, Dawson?

[Producer/Announcer]

If you want better blood flow, the best erections, and better heart health, Joy Mode has a deal for our listeners. Go to tryjoymode.com adam or enter code ADAM at checkout for 20% off Joy Mode, the electrolyte packet for your dick.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Producer/Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

So Brando got a Mexican.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Hilarious.

[Adam Carolla]

Dressed her up like the Land O Lakes chick and shoved her out there to get. Just to show. Everything is always a lie. Everything is a fucking lie. Every. Everything has always been a lie. It's still a lie. It never works out. It's always a fucking disaster. Nothing is ever won.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

It's so much optics, right? Didn't they. Didn't they have a Rosa Parks before? Rosa Parks? And they were like, you're not old.

[Adam Carolla]

And yes, there was a Rosa Parks, but she was pregnant, right? And they're like, we don't like the optics of this one. This.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You're a. Here's a nice old lady.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

It's like, damn.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like every. Here's. Here's what? I'll explain everything. Oh, shit. Patrick who?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, my God. They really sold the Indianness of this.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll figure it out. Andrew. The. The. The NFL, Cardinals DB who joined the Marines and got shot. Patrick Tillman. Pat Tillman. Pat Tillman. All right, Everything. Everything you want to know about. And it could be any racial whatever, Hands up, don't shoot, or Rosa Parks or fake Indians. It all has to be seen through the prism of Pat Tillman, okay? Pat Tillman was a NFL starting DB, making tons of dough, 9, 11, hit said, I'm dropping out, I'm joining the military, okay? Nobody else in a professional sport making millions of dollars would drop out, join the military, enlist with his brothers or something in a battalion, where it becomes like a special forces guy. It's gonna take a hill in Afghanistan, and is heroically killed by enemy fire. And then everyone goes, what an incredible story. This guy, good looking, looked the part, chiseled, turns his back on the lucrative NFL career to help out his brothers and sisters because he's such a patriot. And everyone runs with that. And that's all everyone knows. And people are crying and everything turns out he was killed by friendly fire. He was killed by one of our guys, okay? That's all. That's how everything ends.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how every story ends. Every story of she Was a hard working. You know all that started the black chick with the no knock warrant, where they kicked open the door and stuff like that. She was like a cop or nursing student. She's dating a drug addict. They found a body in the guy's trunk. It's like. It's all bad, right? Never works out.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

There's always some shit if you just look a little harder.

[Adam Carolla]

It's never the first story. Yeah, the first story is always great, but it's never that frequently.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's all Pat Tillman.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

How did I know about this story? This is. This is a great. This should be like a movie almost.

[Adam Carolla]

There got to be a Pat.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, but about this concept of him being friendly fired. What the. Who was the friendly fire? What the fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

That poor person walked around.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I mean the other QB from the opposing team.

[Adam Carolla]

Happens all the time.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, the Cardinals rival at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Sadly they didn't have rivals because they were always, you know, under 500. But I will. You know what I always wanna say to other countries, I'm like, listen, I wouldn't fuck with us militarily because. Let me explain. Since basically World War II, since Vietnam, any skirmish we've been in, we've actually killed more of our own than the enemy has killed. That's how fucking badass we are. Whoever is we're fighting can only manage to kill a handful. We statistically actually kill more of our own soldiers.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You know, when you're about. You feel like you're gonna drown. You're like, imagine that times a billion. Right? You're probably freaking out. You're just a kid. You must be shooting whatever. You don't know what the heck's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean there's tons of examples of countries dropping bombs on their own guys shooting down. We just had just in the latest Iran thing. One of our planes got shot down by an ally or whatever. It has to happen.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's listen to Sachin Little Feather, real name Maria Luis Cruz. Dressed up like Lando Lakes lady with Roger Moore.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They got that from Party City. They sort of got

[Adam Carolla]

Sashin Little Feather. Oh my. I love that. Her sister ratted out. Hey, your last name's Cruz. Have a burrito.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he won't. Oh, she won't accept.

[Sacheen Littlefeather]

My name is Sashin Little Feather. I'm Apache about the accent. President of the National Native American Affirmative Image.

[Adam Carolla]

Second, first off, I'd be suspicious cuz at first you're not fat, you're not drunk and you're not gambling. So what the fuck is going on?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Why are you adding the accent?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm calling this dubious little feather. I like that. She waved off James Bond.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're good.

[Adam Carolla]

I bet he banged her later.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

She looks good now.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta picture her fucking dopey older sister.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, just probably not. Not hot.

[Adam Carolla]

Not hot. Working at a Sears in Arlita looking at this shit, going, sasheen, Little feather, my fucking ass.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, you're Maria. Big booty.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You're from Huntington Beach. All right, run it again. I'm gonna hear her. I gotta hear her again.

[Sacheen Littlefeather]

I'm representing Marlon Brando this evening, and he has asked me to tell you in a very long speech which I cannot share with you presently because of time, but I will be glad to share with the press afterwards that he very regretfully cannot accept this very generous award. And the reasons for this being are the treatment of American Indians today by the film industry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, pause it for a second. I don't know what year this is, but I want to tell young people like yourself, people forget we're in kind of bummer phase now. Like, what about the way we treated the indigenous people? And what about slavery, about Japanese internment? People forget the 70s were full bummer.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They were doing.

[Adam Carolla]

We were doing this shit 50 years ago. We had the same progressive Karen bitches, bumming, harshing everyone's mouth.

[Producer/Announcer]

Every generation.

[Adam Carolla]

Every generation has a new group who come around. They don't howl. They don't even. I'm going to correct you a little bit. They don't have new victims. They have the same victims. They just have new people who exploit them. It's Indian, it's black, it's whatever's not never worked out. Sometimes it's specific, like Japanese American internment camps or whatever. We just keep hustling. We keep nipsey hustling everybody. And this is 1973. I didn't know that. So this is more than 50 years ago. We can't celebrate. No, no. We can't just have Bob Hope tell some jokes and celebrate and have a nice night out. No. We gotta bomb everyone's shit out with a fake.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Cause that is crazy, because the language is the same language. I remember hearing, like this one random track on the Kathleen Hannah album or something where she sounds just like some shrill white lady from now where she's like these straight white man. I'm like, this language is.

[Adam Carolla]

So they replicate it. They wait long enough for the people to forget they did it last time. All right, wait, I want to see her whole thing. I want to. I want to. Poor Marlon put together eight pages. All right, Here we go. 1973 Academy Awards. No, no. She waved off the Academy Award. Roger went a bonk over the head with it.

[Sacheen Littlefeather]

I'm Apache, and I'm president of the National Native American Affirmative.

[Adam Carolla]

And also. Hold on. The whole Rachel Zolote like, hey, I'm black. That shit's. Look, boom. Anytime you're gonna offer shit up to people for being a different nationality, they'll switch.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Sorry, go ahead.

[Sacheen Littlefeather]

Hello, my name is Sasheen Littlefeather. I'm Apache, and I am president of the National Native American Affirmative Image Committee. I'm representing Marlon Brandon this evening, and he has asked me to tell you in a very long speech which I cannot share with you presently because of time, but I will be glad to share with the press afterwards that he very regretfully cannot accept this very generous award. And the reasons for this being are the treatment of American Indians today by the film industry.

[Adam Carolla]

Boo.

[Sacheen Littlefeather]

Excuse me.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Oh, of course. There's, like. There's a drunken John Wayne and Charlton Heston in the a. Get this off the stage. All right, so I want to hear more about her life.

[Sacheen Littlefeather]

The reasons for this being are the treatment of American Indians today by the film industry. Excuse me. And on television in movie reruns and also with recent happenings at Wounded Knee.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a skate park. That'd be a good name for an Indian skate park. I'm going to have.

[Sacheen Littlefeather]

Our hearts and our understandings will meet with love and generosity. Thank you on behalf of Marlon Brando.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta bum everyone.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

It's so good that she's not Indian. That just makes everything so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the story later, I swear to God, I think is.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

I think. I think. I think it was her sister that ratted her out.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

So good. So good.

[Adam Carolla]

But listen, if my sister Lauren tried to pass herself off as Indian, I'd fucking out that bitch.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Well, Mindy Kaling's brother tried to be black.

[Producer/Announcer]

Oh, really?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

To get into more med schools.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah. So Indian of him.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

He was trying to. He was so Indian. He was black because Indians were so, like, they were getting in at a higher rate. So he wanted to be like, a affirmative action.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, no. Blacks were getting in at a higher rate.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Well, something happened where he became. It was, like, beneficial for him to be black more than India.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always beneficial to be black to get into, like, med school or any program.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

So he was a darker Skinned Indian. So he became a black guy, and Mindy, I think, ratted him out again. It's this annoying sister that's always coming in, ruining the vibes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was a weird. You know, it's kind of weird. It's also kind of a female thing. My. My grandmother. My grandmother claimed to be in a group called Daughters of the American Revolution.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's cult.

[Adam Carolla]

Anybody who signed the Declaration of Independence, they're great. Great whatever. Distant whatevers. If you had a distant relative, a great uncle, sign the Declaration of Revenge, then you could claim to be the daughter in the group. The Daughters of the American Revolution.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Anyone who was there had to be signed. Couldn't have been the guy who was mopping.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if janitorial work. The guy put the mints in the urinal. That would definitely make more sense for my family. But either way, my grandmother used to say to me all the time, you know, we'd be like, eating dinner, and my grandmother would be going, you know, I'm in the Daughters of the American Revolution. And I'd see my mom out of the corner of my eye going, she's not in there. She's not in there. And I'm like, why does your daughter have to negate this thing? That's unprovable. It's unprovable. We could just think you were and get the fuck on with our lives. But no, not my mom. My mom's fucking shaking it off like a fucking pitcher. Got a sign. They didn't. Like. She's just like, no, didn't happen.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Those older. Older Americans, I've seen them in Boston at those attractions. In Philadelphia with the Liberty Belt, they have that thing with, like, American history touching the bell like, oh, yes, the crack. It's my crack. From your. They have that a little bit like, that love for the American Revolution, the. Connected to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, especially when you're living in North Hollywood and you're a loser, you want some connection to something, you got no. You got nothing.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Your great grandpa was poor. He came here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, everyone was poor. Was drunk.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They were drunk, and they're like, Andy Capp.

[Adam Carolla]

They beat the shit out of everybody. They're Irish. There's nothing to fall back on.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

And they just wanted some gold.

[Adam Carolla]

Little Feather, by the way, had two sisters who ratted. Both her sisters ratted her out together.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Which means she was the hot one. That was the hot sister.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they definitely had two fat sisters.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Really ugly sisters that really were angry. And they. Together. Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Marlon Brando thought she was Native American.

[Producer/Announcer]

Both sisters said that their father was born in Oxnard, California.

[Adam Carolla]

I said long Beach.

[Producer/Announcer]

He's a Mexican.

[Adam Carolla]

Oxnard.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, man, they're not even full Mexican. They're, like, American Mexican. Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not even real Mexican.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Full Mexican out here.

[Adam Carolla]

You are, mutt. My dear Sasheen, Little Feather met Marlon Brando in 72 due to their shared. I'm guessing he was banging her activism for indigenous rights at the time. Little Feather and Apache.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Anyway, the dole is all of the olden days.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Producer/Announcer]

It is.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Absolutely.

[Producer/Announcer]

She said that her sister said that she changed it because being a Native American had more prestige than being Hispanic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, that's the whole thing. But by the way, I would like to have won the Dick Butkus Award for greatest linebacker in college, but I fucking didn't. But, yes, there is more prestige with a Stanley Cup. Except for I can't skate, but I still would like the prestige that goes along with the Stanley Cup. But that's not how shit works, everybody. But also, we shouldn't give prestige to groups just for being in the group. It should be the individual achievement within the group. Because the second we start giving same prestige to the whole group, people are gonna be trying to get into that group to get into that college or that med school.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I agree. I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

And if it's a weird thing.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

So that's why I'll be doing the hi, how are you? Joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi, how are. Let's hear it. Let's hear what it's like.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? It kind of rolls off the tongue because my. Actually, my great grandpa was Native American.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, what are you looking for?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Prestige.

[Adam Carolla]

You look for prestige.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

But see how quickly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

The story happened?

[Adam Carolla]

Newfound respect. Wow. Oh, I didn't know.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

What a great guy. What a great guy. He's so powerful.

[Adam Carolla]

My grandma was in the Daughters of the American Revolution. Probably knew your grandfather.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, my God. They were there before the Indians.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, could we just do. Let's look at Charlie Hill's act. Cause it wasn't bad. And if you. But that's a great joke.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I think it's a great joke, but

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go deeper with you. You get up there.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

And you go, you know I'm Indian. Yeah, sure. And they wanted me to go to med school, but I became a comedian. And here's what happened. And then you do an American Indian act.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You do all the Buffalo Joe with the same accent. You do that same. I'm an American Indian just do the

[Adam Carolla]

first 15 minutes of Charlie Hill's routine. By the way, you think those idiots at the Comedy Store on a Wednesday are gonna know what the Charlie Hill is?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't know.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

He must be hit off. An outside Native American where he was working outside so he got a little darker. Yeah, you know that kind of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Because his act was funny and it was all American Indian.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Well, he was only a stand up. Did he not have like a show? Don't they give those guys like one show if they get pretty popular?

[Adam Carolla]

It used to be in the 70s we would give like Freddie Prince Sr. Freddie Prinze was a comedian when he was like 19 or 20. And then we gave him a show called Chico and the man. And it was like a hit sitcom. And then he either killed himself. It's like. It's kind of a weird thing when people go, he didn't kill himself. Was just gunplay. Like he was just like putting a gun to his head, fucking around, and it went off and he killed himself. But yes, we used to. If you're a hot comedian, we gave you a show. Sure, but not. I don't know about American insure. It was not that Freddie Prince. We gave Chico and the Man a show. All right, let's see if you could just memorize the first 10 minutes of

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

his acting at Cowboy. Jesus Christ. This is amazing. I can't even use the bathroom. It doesn't have under.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Hey, he's doing the.

[Adam Carolla]

He's doing the Indian jokes.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

One little, two little, three little whiteies. Four little five. Five little things.

[Adam Carolla]

You could do that.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's funny. He's a hunky guy, man.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

People back there putting their tables in a circle.

[Adam Carolla]

He was probably crushing tables in a circle.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Is this door.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know where this is.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Play the goddamn cover engine. We want to see a rain dance. Do da da. You need to get no respect. You're kidding me. A white man asked me, I want to be Jehovah's Witness. Hey, even see the accident. Are you kidding me? It's tough out here, Johnny.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, got some chops, cameraman.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Got some chops.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Remember, for the next 60 seconds, this is only a test. It's been a test. Re National Emergency Broadcasting Company. Had that been an actual nuclear war, a lot of damn good that little buzzer would have done us.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so just. We're not going to do it now. Just go ahead and memorize the first 15 minutes of this act and then do it and start with the Hi, how are you? Boom Boom.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

First of all, he's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, it's good. I don't know when he died. Freddie Prince died at 23. So he was literally stand up at, like, 1920.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That blows my mind that his. His kid had a whole career afterwards. Freddie Puss Jr. Had a whole career,

[Adam Carolla]

and he was smart enough to shit out a kid before the gunplay stuff.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, it's genetic, the gunplay, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always kind of. It's always kind of funny. Freddie PRINZE Died age 23. Yeah, 1977. Yeah. It was a weird thing.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's so insane. And then his son became this, like, legit heartthrob, like, romantic comedy star.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I did. I think I was in a movie with Freddie Prinz Jr. What, you think.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You think I starred in a movie with Freddie?

[Adam Carolla]

He was in a movie that was a romantic comedy. And it was me and Jimmy, and we were, like, reenacting the man show in this guy's movie.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And it must have been 2001 or 2002 or something. And it was. It was weird because we would be. I did TV shows. I did Loveline, I did the man show, and I would go on TV shows as the guy from the other TV show, which is weird. It's kind of weird, though, because, like, they didn't really do it. It's not like Captain Stubing from the Love Boat would show up on Starsky and Hutch.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That was the oldest reference I know.

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is you can't take guys from other TV shows and put them on your TV show. It's like you're not doing a TV show.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so sorry. Go back to start at the beginning. What movie is this from? Oh, down to you. Down to you. Sorry.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Holy. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome back to the Man Show. Tonight's topic, men who wear the skirts in their relationship. Let me introduce you to our guest, Al Connolly. Al can't even get sex from his own girlfriend. Pathetic. Still in college, right?

[G]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Only going out for a year. No, for a while. It's not every night. What do you plan to do with your life? What are you studying there in college? Well, I'm studying liberal arts, but I want to be a chef. I see. So you're bi, but you eventually want to go gay.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey. Hey.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You look pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I should have got more pussy back then. Yeah. What kind of chef do you want to be? French cuisine. French cuisine.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

This is amazing cuisine.

[Adam Carolla]

That's just nuts, right? This is amazing. All right, I've seen enough.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I love it. I have not seen enough.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird that they would take TV shows and put them in a movie. But it's, by the way, how you knew. Everyone knew what the TV show was because they didn't have to explain it. They just went, we're doing this TV show.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That show was a cultural force. You were in there.

[Adam Carolla]

It was in there. Because you cannot. You know, it's sort of like this. You want people introducing. At some point, they'll just say your name and bring you on. They won't say comedian, you know, like, joining us on this show or that show. They just drop comedian. Like, no one says comedian Dave Chappelle. They just go, dave Chappelle's on the show. And so the thing is, is you're in the zeitgeist. If they show your shit and they don't explain it. There's a show called the man show where they get into all this stuff. It just is.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I love that. Yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah. I was a kid back then. I knew. I knew about the man show back then. I was like. I was a kid coming up, finding my comedy tastes.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, you were.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

You were huge.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You. Everyone, this is pre Rogan man. This is like pre podcast. You were. You were like the first podcast, maybe legitimately.

[Adam Carolla]

I just have some vague memory of us having go. We didn't shoot that on our stage. We shot it on their. That our stage was much bigger and much cooler and had Was that stage wasn't good enough for us. Like, they shot that on a small sound stage in Glendale, California. And I remember going out there and going, like, what are we doing again? It was like, you're doing the man show. And they kind of mocked it up. But that was not the man show stage.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You got day pay. You got like a SAG check right there. That's not a bad day.

[Adam Carolla]

I got probably the SAG Minimum

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Craft services. That's what you got. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, listen, man. Free food always never gets.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Old buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Same free fucking food always.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's a. I'm the guy taking all the snacks in two arms away from the set.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a thing. If you take your kid and you deprive them just enough of food, they'll have an illness with free food for, like, the rest of their fucking life.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

They can't throw away food. I bring in. I brought in Thai food from Oregon. I did shows in Oregon last week. That fucking Thai food traveled right back with me in My suitcase.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah. I had two brothers too.

[Adam Carolla]

So, like, fight.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah. Like, the snacks was a crazy thing because they just stole all the snacks. Both my brothers. So now I have a weird thing with snacks in the pantry. I can't have them there. I have to eat it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You see what I'm saying? Like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, it's like in that movie Crocodile Dundee. They put him up in New York at the Ritz Carlton, and when they came in, he was sleeping on the floor.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's what he's. That's where he lives.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? That's. I feel about free, free food.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I'm a huge fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Your two brothers, by the way, texted me before the show. They said you weren't really Indian. I don't know if you knew that.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I knew you're going.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what they said. I'm just telling you what they said.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Well, they're both gay. How about that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You said not to say it. I said it.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me good names. Your brother's got to have good, good Indian.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

No Bengali. So Arnab is my little brother's.

[Adam Carolla]

Arnab's good.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

And then my big brother's name is Noel French. My dad is a fan of the French language, so I want one of my kids to have a French name. So his name is Noel Siddiqui. It's weird as hell.

[Adam Carolla]

That's sweet.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

He's cool. He's my guy. They're both my guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Arnab.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Arnab is a Bengali. So it's like an old school Bengali name. Usama is Arabic and then Noel's French. My dad had like a little bit of like, let me get, like, names from all types of the parts of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you get some crazy middle names?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

No, no middle names.

[Adam Carolla]

No middle. My mom, part of the culture.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They hated that. Well, the Bengalis have like a name and then a separate name, but my parents hated that too. They're like that, just having one name. And so I didn't get that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

What did your parents call you? You were like, adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't have a middle name.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Adam is so simple.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're just like, it didn't work out well for me. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why it didn't work. Because Corolla is clearly an Italian last name.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you just put on its own, you go, corolla. You put a little accent on Corolla, you know, you go, okay, that's Italian. But when you Take Adam. You fuck up the Corolla part because Adam is not Italian at all.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you can take a normal first name. You could be Rick Carolla, and people know you're Carolla. You could be George Carolla, Anthony Carolla, whatever. But you put Adam in there and people think you're Jewish.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So my whole life, I get a lot of, what kind of name is Carolla? It's like, if you said Mario Carolla, you would know. You'd think that guy worked on a gondola.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yes, but you got less pussy in your life because of the name Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Less pussy.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Antonio Carolla would have, you know, syphilis by eight.

[Adam Carolla]

My son is named Santino Carolla. That is a fucking name. No one has ever asked him, and no one will ever. Santino Carolla. What kind of name is Carola?

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

No.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You saved his high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Carolla, gone.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You make him Santino because of this.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, I want a real fucking name that works. It's got to work with the last name.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Smart.

[Adam Carolla]

So smart. Then there's another problem.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Your son has no idea what a gift you gave him. Does he know this? Santino is a gift.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a gift. And plus, he's sunny. Come on, Sonny Carolla. I mean, come on.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That is a fucking pussy magnet.

[Adam Carolla]

Pussy avalanche before the dick even comes in. That's right. So then this problem. Adam. Adam feels Jewish. But here's an interesting thing. If you want to talk about stereotypes. I worked on construction sites in the San Fernando Valley my entire adult life. Really? And nobody ever thought I was Jewish because I was on a fucking construction site with bunch of Mexicans digging ditches. The second I got into comedy and I was in a writer's room, people were like, you're Jewish. You know what I'm talking about. And I'm like, not based on anything except for two different jobs. One is a Jewish job, one is a non Jewish job. And there are no Jews on construction sites. And there are not many Italian guys in writers rooms and immediately ever went there. Now, I don't blame them. They're playing the odds, right?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I wish we were a nurse for a little bit. People are like that. That Filipino. Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice guy. What is the strongest? I'm going nurse. And Filipino.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Oh, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

But if you're going local, if you just want to keep IT local, black, TSA security. LAX.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Huge.

[Adam Carolla]

Because that is 86% black. They represent 9% of Los Angeles, but 86% of LAX security is black. TSA.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Inglewood specifically.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I mean, it is Black Attack.

[Adam Carolla]

It is Black Attack over there.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Now, the tsa, I went. They all saw the show. So there is just smooth sailing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they recognize. Oh. Because they're Kevin Hard fans.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

And Osama has never been through security this fast. I swear. They were like, I love you, man. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Normally, Osama will slow you down a

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

little bit this time. Not anymore. Because again, the black TSA pipeline all across the world, all of a sudden, Osama's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask. Let me float you this idea, sama. I don't want to give any ideas to any terrorists, but now that you're

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

in the room, if you're in the

[Adam Carolla]

neighborhood, I looked into it. I traveled back from Portland with a Tupperware container. I had 3 pounds of Thai food in this thing. It was full.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Juicy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, juicy. All right. I put that in my carry on. I sail right through security. But I try to walk in with half a Gatorade. You gotta dump it out, right? Why can't that Tupperware be filled with plastic explosives? Why do I get to sail through security with that?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

And then it came up with a movie idea. You ever see that show? Is it cake?

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Those guys can make anything look like cake.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy gets abducted by Al Qaeda after they kidnap his daughter and they force him to make explosive lasagna that looks exactly like lasagna.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

What's to stop? Next time you're talking to one of the brothers or sisters at lax, it's a TSA when they're high fiving you, not fucking checking your bag or anything, juggling grenades, juggling gren, throwing a machete in there.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Loved you on the show, brother.

[Adam Carolla]

I never thought. See, all I am is the white devil when I go because I get yelled at by angry women who told them I've been oppressing them the whole time. I'm not a fucking hero like Kevin Hart's best buddy, runner up Osama.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You're the story of Adam using me as a drug mule for his own nefarious needs. And I'm an Adam fan, so I'll do it. I loved the man show when I was seven.

[Adam Carolla]

So I think Filipino nurse nationally, but locally, lax security, black.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

But then again, brother, my uncle's going through dialysis and so I take him sometimes to Kaiser Permanente. It is Manila, don't you?

[Adam Carolla]

They add, you know, Kaiser was just called Kaiser for the first 45 or 50 years. And then they added the word Permanente, which means you're never leaving. Like, it's the weirdest thing to add to a hospital because everyone's number one goal is to spend the least amount of time in this building as possible. And you just added the word permanente. You're not going anywhere. Once you leave, once you enter, there's no escape.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

We're going to go into Death Presbyterian. You want to go? It's like, literally, like.

[Adam Carolla]

How about you put Kaiser temporary?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, yeah. Kaiser in and out Burger in and out. Needs to bring in.

[Adam Carolla]

Why was the word permanent day added to the end of Kaiser?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

That's so funny. Enough people died. They're like, we got to. We got to make sure there's no, like, lawsuits. People know what they're going in for.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what Kaiser did originally?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Kaiser sounds German.

[Adam Carolla]

They built troop transport ships for Nazis. For us.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Okay, other side.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Kaiser Wilhelm. We built. They built liberty ships to carry stuff to Europe. And they built them so fast and so efficiently. And they had such a huge work crew. They employed thousands of people, had to build these ships, welders and everything. They had to build a hospital because. Employ 20,000 welders. Yeah, you're gonna have to have medical somewhere. So Kaiser was a shipbuilder.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Wow, that's good history.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when the war ended, no more liberty ships.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

They just.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Kept in the hospital thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah, brother. Amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Usama, that was awesome.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

Where do we go to find you?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Follow me on Instagram samastandsup. Usama stands up. Got a tour. Go to my website, usamastandsup.com shows all around the world coming to you live. Check the website.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, start with the hi, how are we? And we'll be back with Adam Yenzer in the news right after that. O'reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, that's the jingle. You know it. You love it. They love helping you repair your car and keeping your car on the road. Look, there's not many car issues I can't figure out, but if I'm stumped, I'll call O'Reilly immediately. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never have to worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, well, they'll help you get the right one to fit your automobile. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right?

[Producer/Announcer]

Dawson Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam

[Adam Carolla]

Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration, and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro the power behind the podcast.

[Producer/Announcer]

It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey Adam, it's Derek in Cheyenne, Wyoming. I met you up in Casper, Wyoming at your show. Just wanted to let you know that I run every single red light now when there's no cars around and left turn arrows. And today a cop pulled up behind me as I was running the red light and he gave me the thumbs up and then he also ran the red light. So get it on. Not all cops are dicks.

[Producer/Announcer]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Adam Carolla]

I pulled a move about, about an hour and a half ago and I'll try to explain it, but you guys fucking tell me who these people are. There's an exit off of the two. It's Mountain is the name of the exit. Glendale, whatever. It has two lanes. The exit is two lanes. You may turn left from the left lane, but you also may turn left from the right lane. And oftentimes when I'm getting off the freeway to turn right and go up the hill, there's one car in the right lane turning left. They don't use the left lane, they use the right lane where I could be turning. But it's a super long signal and there are no other cars. You just decided to position yourself in the right lane to block anyone who could be turning right, but you're turning left and now we get behind you and have to wait for the fucking signal. So I got in the left lane that only goes left and while the signal was red, turned in front of that dickhead. By the way, the Signal over here, 100 yards from here has two lanes, and you can turn right from the right or go straight from the right. And people, solo, sit in the right lane, but they're not turning right. Yeah. So you can just wait. Who the fuck is this? And why aren't they aware and fuck right off. Sorry.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

That's probably 60% of the traffic problems in LA is some guy miles ahead is doing that. And then it backs up everything the rest of the day.

[Adam Carolla]

I honked. My record for honking through was like, 11 drivers. I honked yesterday through, like, 13 drivers, like, going to PCH. Turn right. Turn right. You have your own lane. You have your own lane just sitting there, backing it all the way up the fucking hill. And the person behind them doesn't. Yeah. Honk. Which is weird. So then I honk, but I'm 11 cars back, and then the person in front of me is like, what do you want? Honk through, baby.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

In the Valley, I always get the people that they pull into the turning lane almost, but their right tail light is still. So then everybody has to slow down and go around them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. They are momentum busters. Yeah. All right, what do you got?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

In the news, a skid row homeless claim they've been paid to vote for Karen Bass and Nithya Ramen.

[Adam Carolla]

But can I just say this? They go, look. They go, look, there's no voter fraud. There's very little voter fraud. There's almost no voter fraud. And then we go, all right, how about just ID anyway? Well, we don't need to do that because there's really just not that much. And it's sort of the same thing with, like, you know, these immigrants who undocumented come here, they barely kill that many people. It's like, how about no people? How about just no fraud? How about no people? And by the way, why is it always on your side? Yes.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

It always benefits the left.

[Adam Carolla]

It always benefits us. It always benefits them. And they always fight it. But then they explain it's not happening. Yeah. So it's like a weird thing. It benefits you. You fight me, but while you're fighting me, you're explaining it's not happening.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah, and it's not happening. But they don't want any laws that would make it able to tell whether it's happening. No checking signature id.

[Adam Carolla]

If you want to check the voter rolls, we'll sue your ass, but we're not doing anything. Yeah, it's perfect. Yes.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

This footage is recorded near 7th street and Flower in downtown Los Angeles on Tuesday morning. It Was provided to the Department of Justice. One shelter In Venice where 185 ramen supporters were registered, received 600,000 from taxpayer.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me explain the new world order, everyone. It is not the person's fault who is taking money to do whatever we've set up to make it advantageous for them. If you're gonna have ballot harvesting, then you're going to create this. If you're going to have Somali daycare centers, if you're gonna have spectrum autism payouts, if you're gonna have nursing, whatever, and hospice, whatever. If you're gonna do. If you do a thing where you go, look, here's the deal. If somebody in your home let's. Okay, you have an elderly person in your home, Grandma. They don't have to be sickly, just elderly. There is a system where we can pay the junior college student grandson to be a caregiver to get you groceries and to change the TV channel when the battery's out on my roads. Robots out of battery. And we can Pay. We'll pay 1300. Okay, then everyone does. That's what I'm saying. Like you're trying to police something that you created that incentivizes everyone to fucking do it. So you can't have the system. It's dogs in an airport. I say every single time. There's no such thing as dogs in the airport. Now there's nothing but dogs in airport. Because you said we're on the honor system. You get a note from your doctor, by the way. Turns out doctors will write notes for fucking anything. Everybody who wanted to legally smoke pot in 1989 had glaucoma, and they were 23 and a half. And they're racquetball champions, but they've had glaucoma and they got a note and then they got pot. This is how everything works.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

And there'd be doctors on Venice beach advertising, come here to get your pot card. We'll say you got it.

[Adam Carolla]

So can we. Can we stop the system is what I'm saying. Because it's the system, people. We gotta get these corrupt. Everybody is corrupt. There you go. All right, let's listen.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Here's a clip of one of these ladies. Yep.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

And then did they come down here and try and pay you to vote yes on a ballot?

[G]

Yes.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

How much they pay you?

[Adam Carolla]

$5.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

And they said, here, come and vote for these candidates.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, sir.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

They told you who to vote for?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

So they told you to vote for Karen Bass or Cynthia Ramen?

[Adam Carolla]

Karen Bass.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

They vote for Karen bass?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

For $5?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Did you vote?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Oh, you did for Karen Bass?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Karen. They told you to vote for Karen?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They had to sign a little thing

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

and how much they pay you?

[Adam Carolla]

It was like, two bucks.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Two bucks. The.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

So they'd say, oh, do you want to vote for Karen or nyia? Or they just really just tell you to vote for Karen, huh?

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Man, they gave you an optionable choice, but they tell you who they want you to vote.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

They tell you who you want to vote for. It's like, yo, we'll give you two dollars, and. But you got to vote for one of these people. Well, you know, I'm a barter man,

[Adam Carolla]

so I got four dollars. Give me four bucks when I do it, guys. Shrewd.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

How did.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably selling energy futures and things like that. Cattle.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

He must have read Art of the Deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Look, everybody. Here's what I want everyone to understand. Every human is flawed, and they're mainly weak. And if you get divorced, you'll see it. You'll go, oh, my God. Everything's a money grab. They're fucking lying about everything. Perfectly good people turn into horrible, corrupt, shitty people for money. And they'll fucking do it in a second. And it's not. They're not criminals and they're not felons, and they don't run afoul of the law. They've never spent a day in jail. But they'll fucking lie and they'll say anything to get money. And you expect. And we formally expected something more. Stop expecting it. There's no more. I know, like, five people who wouldn't do it. The rest would fucking do it. And that's it. When we did Crank Yankers, one of my favorite Crank Yanker premises was we called everyone from season one who we fucked with. I think Kevin Nealon called them as an attorney.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Oh, my gosh.

[Adam Carolla]

And he said, listen, I got you off a list. You're on season one of Crank Yankers, And I am going after the producers of Crank Yankers in a lawsuit. And the people who picked up the phone would go, fuck you. I'm not getting screwed again. Like, I'm not getting fooled again. And he'd go, okay, but you really need to think about it, because there's deep pockets here. These producers have Hollywood money, and there's money. And they're like, keep talking. He was like, when the phone rings sometimes, are you scared to answer it? And they'd be like, I don't really think about your answer because there's a lot of money here. And they go, well, sometimes, yeah. When the phone rings and I was like, everybody is corruptible. Everyone will fucking take money. Every movie that's made is the guy who can't be bought. I've not met that guy. Everyone turns into a corruptible piece of shit. And they're not criminals.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

They're just doing what you're enticing them to do.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

All right, we got a new Jasmine Crockett clip here. She says that black women live in worse agony than Austin Metcalfe's family. The family that lost their son who was stabbed to death.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. I do love this.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

And she claims the knife that killed him wasn't a deadly weapon. So here's. Here's the first clip.

[G]

Black women, especially black women who have black male children, live in fear and agony every single day. A fear and agony that I promise you, the Metcalfs probably never spent a day living that way. And we're gonna have to have just some real conversations about race in this country.

[Adam Carolla]

Real conversations. How about dads raise your kids. That'll help. Or don't bring knives to track meets. I guess that'll help. Listen, I've said it a million times. When they talk about white privilege, My real white privilege, like the true white privilege. Cause there isn't anything that comes with being white. It hurts you a little bit. As I've told people, I tried to be a fireman in LA county and couldn't because I was white. So there is no actual white privilege. Black people pretend like there is, but there's no getting into college or jumping the line or doing anything. It's actually the opposite. You know, if you were a black female and you wanted to be a commercial airline pilot, they would recruit.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah, we're looking for that.

[Adam Carolla]

We're looking for that. You and G.I. joe and the other guys from your action cartoon, they're not looking for that. So. So I have no real white privilege. But the actual real white privilege is when a white guy stabs a black guy or anybody. Or. I don't. I don't have to go. You know, Timothy McVeigh was complicated. You know, you don't know. He got railroaded at first. I had an all black jury.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? And. And you know, maybe he expressed himself in an interesting way by blowing up a federal building, but he had legitimate gripes. Tim did. And Tim was a good dude. Like, I don't have to do that because just cause he's white, the victims

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

families don't know what he went through.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't know. You know what it's like growing up named Tim as a white guy in the 90s. It's like, no bad dude. Moving on. Don't need to protect all the black people. Have to protect the guy who stabbed a guy for no good reason because they got in an argument that is forcing you into some sort of insanity. Pretzel. And now we think you're fucking dumb, but it's really. You're just racist. But you have to do it because you're black. Well, I would argue you don't. You can go case by case. Yeah. I mean they had to. When that Marine choked out the crazy man on the train, they had to defend. The guy was threatening to kill everyone on a subway way. You have to defend the worst people on the planet. George Floyd. You have to defend Michael Brown. It's sad that you get forced into defending these people and you don't have to. Also, you would get more legitimacy if you didn't.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Cuz then I'd go, oh, they're calling balls and strikes. Not just defending every black person all the time, no matter what they do. Exactly.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

If there's some nuance, if sometimes she was on the side of the white person, sometimes the black person, but it's always just the black person is who they're rooting for.

[Adam Carolla]

Even when the black person shows up at the tent, doesn't want to leave, and then stabs a guy to death.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In high school.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

All right, maybe people take you more seriously if you clapped on every word like she does when she goes. Black women.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's listen. Maybe she's got.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

We got the second clip here of the night.

[G]

Was it a switch? I don't know what he had. It was like a. It seemed like it was a multi tool, almost like a Swiss arm. Yeah. Like with the little scissors and everything and whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

The toothpick. Got it. What's wrong?

[G]

Well, I would argue the size of it alone. You wouldn't even think it's a daily weapon.

[Adam Carolla]

And I forgot he had if, if

[G]

it was one of the little. Like I. I don't know, like I

[Adam Carolla]

do think this guy, he. All he had was a Leatherman and then this Klansman tried to choke him. So he reached for his Leatherman because they have pliers.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He was going to give a titty twister with the pliers. Yeah, Yeah. I don't get with 911. They're just flying an airplane.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Nobody would think that's a weapon.

[Adam Carolla]

Not A weapon? It's just a plane. Yeah, people use them all the time.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Did anybody have nail clippers on board?

[Adam Carolla]

That's not a deadly thing. They had like a box cutter, but I use one at home. Yeah, I get stuff from Amazon. I hang drywall with one of those bad boys. It's not just pretty handy tool. Go to the Home Depot. They don't check. Just go buy one. Lucy. Lucy's are my new go to pouch. I've tried them all completely switched from the three letter brand. You can get all kinds of flavors too. Mint, mango, espresso and more. Also, Lucy has something no other brand does. They're breakers. If you bite into a breaker ball in these pouches, you get a super smooth flavor kick that lasts a very long time. I take these on the road with me every weekend and they keep me feeling good the whole time. You're really gonna love them. It's Lucy, right? Dawson.

[Producer/Announcer]

Get 20% off your first order when you buy online at Lucy Co ACS with promo code ACS. That's Lucy Co ACS with promo code ACS. And if you don't want to wait, check out their store locator to find out where you can pick up Lucy near you. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every customer is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

At first I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light.

[Adam Carolla]

I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Adam Carolla]

There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Truth is that it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay. Never.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Look, he was stabbed with enough knife to kill him.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Exactly. There was a two inch wound.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what it. If it was a Swiss arm knife, she's basically saying it was a Leatherman had a corkscrew and a toothpick. By the way, the Swiss army knife came with a plastic toothpick.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. If I was in on that meeting, I'd be like, listen, it's got a

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

lot of other stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

We're good. By the way, this is the first thing that's going to get lost. This is going in a second and

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

I Had a Swiss army knife. I don't think I ever used that.

[Adam Carolla]

No one ever used that.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

No one wants a reusable toothpick for.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe he was stabbed with the toothpick. By the way, plastic toothpicks feel like shit. Yeah. Plastic toothpicks are to wooden toothpicks what paper straws are to plastic straws. Just a weak representation of it. And the worst person in the world, the guy who invented the flat toothpick. Oh, yeah, the round one. It's not the right shape to do anything. It fucking. It's weird. All right, so I want to hear more of her. I want to just start her from the beginning of this one. That's good.

[G]

Awful for this. Was it a switch? I don't know what he had. It was like a. It. It seemed like it was a multi tool, almost like a Swiss arm. Yeah. Like with the little scissors and everything and whatever. So it was small. Well, I would argue the size of it alone. You wouldn't even think it's a deadly weapon.

[Adam Carolla]

And forgot he had if.

[G]

If that's. If it was one of the little. Like, I. I don't know. Like, I. I do think that's why he went to his coach and was like. But I don't think I heard him that bad.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, there should be. I'm gonna start a network just called Black People Agreeing with Retarded Shit, where they all just go. Yeah, no. Yeah, like no one. He stabbed him and he's dead. That's what happens when you stab people. And then sometimes you go to prison for stabbing said people after they die.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

All right, we got more news here. Bill Gates says that Epstein tried to blackmail him over his infidelity to his wife, Melinda. He told members of the House oversight committee. During a closed door hearing, I learned Epstein had become aware of sensitive information about my personal life, including the fact that I had been unfaithful in my marriage. These affairs had nothing to do with my interactions with Epstein, but they were painful for my family. He admits that he's had infidelity with Russian women, but claims he did no wrongdoing otherwise. But Epstein was trying to blackmail him with this to get him back involved in Epstein. And he says the only reason he was involved with him was to get support, financial support for his global health initiative, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. All his initiatives turn out to be shit shows for everybody, don't they? The vaccines and the fake meat and all that bullshit he does. I don't know. Could somebody just Tell that guy to take a chill pill.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

He should have just stuck with computers.

[Adam Carolla]

He made a shitload of money with computers. Now get a yacht and fucking sail for a little while. Whatever Geffen's doing. Epstein Island. Yeah. Don't ever. Port of call should never be Epstein Island. Do not dock at Epstein Island. But, you know, it's weird because when you're a super nerd, but you're getting some strange tale on the side that almost gets you a thumbs up, you know, because it's a little element of like, oh, hey, now, good for you. Didn't know you had it in you. Yeah, God bless.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

And it's something as a nerd he probably didn't experience. It's like a new level of, I'll tell you how you get rich like that.

[Adam Carolla]

So here's the thing. When you're like Dolph Lundgren and you've been getting laid just straight on through, or you're a jock or whatever, and you're getting lots of tails in high school and college and whatever, and then at Some point you're 31 and you get married, you did have a prime, and you did have a history, and you definitely been there and you'd done that. When you're an actor and a leading man, you pretty. You know, Clint Eastwood look pretty good when he was 22, and he got that thing when you're a nerd and you just invent the Rubik's Cube at 35 and now you're a billionaire and you get married four months later, or you got married one year earlier, you got nothing. But now you have opportunity. And it's hard to tell the guys who are deprived to walk away from the opportunity. I tell people all the time, we make a big deal out of celebrities cheating. And it's one thing to not cheat, but it's another thing to turn it down. And like, when I was on mtv, I'd get approached by women and that, and I would tell everyone. They go, well, I go, listen, most all Americans, if they found a wallet on the ground of the subway or the supermarket, they would pick it up. If it had an ID and everything in it, they would return it. What if you just found a loose hundred dollar bill? Yeah. Then what? Not so good anymore, are you?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So now that goes in your pocket. That's what cheating's like when they come to you.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

See, when I was on the Ellen Show, I didn't get approached by women, but I would get gay Filipino men slipping in my DMs and I had the integrity to turn them all down.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

You are so brave.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't use brave that often. All right, what else you got, Hiro?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

We got. So this is a good one. Karen Bass brother is suing Los Angeles after his Malibu home burned down in the Palisades fire.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

What?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Kenneth Bass and his wife filed the lawsuit last month, alleging they were injured due to smoke inhalation and suffered severe emotional distress, annoyance, and mental anguish.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute. By the way, is annoyance really something that goes on? Annoying? Is somebody eating popcorn really loud at a movie theater behind you? You know what I mean? But I don't know if Annoying. I don't know how much compensation. I don't know what damages are to annoying. Yeah, but. So he was annoyed by the fire. I pictured him walking back to his

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

vacant burned lot and going, well, this is annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

This is annoying. So what is his story?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

So I don't know what his background is.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause whose fucking house is that? Because she's a communist, basically. What was he, an entrepreneur, or did he marry someone rich?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

So he's rich. I don't know how rich he got from this, but. But he owns a kitchen remodeling business in Culver City, and he says they sold the lot for $2 million and they bought a new home for $6.1 million.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say I was in the. I did. I've. I've remodeled a few kitchens. Culver City, not a garden spot.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds to me like he hooked up with somebody that had something going on in the cash department.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

It always seems like there's some shady source of this money or at least something they're not saying.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just like. Like, once in a while, you'll meet, like, some loser guy, and he'll be talking about, like, some struggling comedian guy or something, and then he'll be talking about going out on the boat or something. And then you're like, what? Well, we got a condo in Palm Springs. And you're like, what? And then at some point, they go, oh, my wife's dad invented, actually, U Haul. He was the guy who invented it. And so she. Her and her brother, pretty good. And you go, okay. That's where this shit came from. Right. So remodeling kitchen and Culver City guy doesn't normally translate into house in Malibu. Guy on the beach.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Probably not on the beach.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

This one says it was. I think it said here it was overlooking the.

[Adam Carolla]

Overlooking.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Overlooking is not.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

So it's not on the beach.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I know it's not on the beach because on the beach is 5 or 6 million. And so 2 million for that lot is overlooking the beach.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

They sold the lot where it burned for 2 million. They bought.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, but the lot.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

6.1. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. On the beach. 6 million.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Lot. I mean, we can look it up. I looked it up.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

There's a picture of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had a friend of mine's house burned down there. And I was like, what are they offering? He said, they're low balling. They're offered 5 million. I'm like, the fucking lot is 20ft by 40ft. I don't know what picture we're looking at a tequila bottle and then a fence with sand. But I'm curious what picture you're putting up, Andrew. And I don't know why there's a tequila bottle, but. And I don't.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

I think the bottle's an ad.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

I think that lot where the fence is is the lot that they sell.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. Something's wrong with this picture. The two kilo bottles. An ad that won't go away. Something's wrong with this picture. I don't know. I don't know what it is, but something seems wrong. But anyway, his house, it's the wrong kind of fence that's around it. It's around a palm tree. Like it's weird. Something. Something's wrong with that picture. But his house burned down. That's Karen Bass brother. Who's he married to?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

I don't know who his wife is.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sorry I'm asking Andrew just because I smell some money coming in from the other side of the ledger. All right, so he's gonna sue because he was annoyed he sold the house for two, bought the new place for six, and. And not gonna rebuild cuz his bitch of a sister's not gonna help him with permits. So now what?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

So she's obviously using this after the fire to relate to people. Karen Bass said, the loss that you're going through, I share indirectly, it's hit my family too. And then Kenneth, who's her brother, Kenneth Bass has repeatedly stated that his support for his sister remains strong. And he donated to her campaign as she seeks reelection.

[Adam Carolla]

So. But he's still gonna sue the city.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah, he's suing the city and supporting and financially supporting Karen Bass campaign.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

And she's saying she relates to it. Cause her family's gone through this as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Remember I was telling you about just sort of general weakness in money? All right. So we can't find a picture of the guy's lot, any address or anything, any story about his wife. Where was his lot? That picture was really weird. I never can tell you what's right about anything, but I will tell you what's wrong. Something was wrong with that pick anyway. $2 million lot. He may be way the fuck down a PCH and deep, like, as you go deeper and deeper, like toward Ventura County. It'll get cheaper as it gets there. But this must be way. This must be just way down and far away. I'm sorry, the lots on the ocean. And by the way, this isn't on the ocean either. The ocean's further away. But the lots on the ocean where I am is 6 million bucks. Eventually, it gets cheaper as you get closer to Oregon. Yeah. All right. You have any other stories there?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

That's it for the stories here.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I'll complain a little more. I got a great clip of Nithya Raman, who's. It's kind of weird. Like, we're basically. There's two women, and one of them loves Fidel Castro and is basically, basically communist, and the other is a socialist. And here's all. Can we do this? Anyone who says, I would like to abolish anything or get rid of anything, I would like a detailed plan as to what you're replacing that thing with. You're just into abolishing stuff. This is dumbo. Nithya Raman. This is our choice here and codified into law.

[G]

A simple premise that no city resources, not a person who works for the city, will ever be used for immigration enforcement in this city.

[Adam Carolla]

A city of immigrants. A city of immigrants.

[G]

And it is not enough to say ICE out of la. We must abolish ice.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on a second. I'm so confused. It's like, we do have an immigration system and people do come here illegally. Some are terrorists. We want to get rid of the organization that finds them and removes them and takes them back to their country of origin.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Yeah, that enforces the laws that exist already.

[Adam Carolla]

Why is it so attractive to abolish ice? I don't wanna sound like old Whitey, but then she keeps going, by the way, sorry.

[G]

We must abolish ice. We say, no Kings in Los Angeles. No Kings in the usa. No Kings in the usa. No Kings.

[Adam Carolla]

I was sitting around last night, I made a joke. I said, she wants to get rid of ice. She hates the Kings. It's not a good hockey town for her. That is not the guys who play for the kings. Between her stance on ice and kings.

[Additional Guest or Voiceover]

Yeah.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

She couldn't do that chant inside the Staples Center.

[Adam Carolla]

I say no ice and no kings. Now. Enjoy the game. Yeah. All right. So she's a delight. She wants no kings, which I don't really even. I know what she means, but I have really no idea what. Here's what I want to say to the people who live in the city that she wants to preside over the no ice and the no kings do not help anything whatsoever, and they'll probably make things worse. Some discussion about traffic or infrastructure or potholes or something would be nice, but that's not who the audience is. The audience are dumb people who buy rhetoric from other dumb people who think of them as dumb. All right, plug yourself. What do you got? Coming up?

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

I got Queen City tavern in Scranton, Pennsylvania, on June 20. And then I got the Grove Comedy club in Arkansas, July 10th and 11th.

[Adam Carolla]

I got Oklahoma City, Tim McFrae. Miss that guy.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Good dude. Good dude.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna lay some flowers down at the plaque, you know, right there at the Federal Building, Oklahoma City, Bricktown Comedy Club. A couple shows there tomorrow night, and then Saturday night, Bricktown in Tulsa. So just go to AdamCroll.com for all the live shows. And until next time, this Adam for Adam and Osama, saying, mahalo.

[Producer/Announcer]

You can leave us a voicemail. The number is 888-634-1744 and get tickets to see Adam Carolla at AdamCorola.com.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice.

[Comedian Usama Siddiqui]

Come with me if you want to live.

[Adam Carolla]

There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. The truth is that it's just so

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100, and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien Encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay. Never

[Producer/Announcer]

celebrate America's 250th with Dish.

[Guest Comedian (likely Usama Siddiqui or a close guest)]

For a limited time, get an extra $250 a off when you sign up, call 888-add-d dish or visit dish.com today and use code DISH250 to claim your $250 savings. That's 8-88-add-D Dish.

[Producer/Announcer]

Offer ends August 12th.