Ian Edwards + Greg Fitzsimmons (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show - “Ian Edwards + Greg Fitzsimmons” (Carolla Classics)

Date: July 12, 2026
Guests: Ian Edwards, Greg Fitzsimmons
Regulars: Gina Grad, Brian Bishop

---

Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode features highlights from two vintage shows from 2015: one with comedian and writer Ian Edwards and the other with comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. Adam and the gang dive into their classic blend of razor-sharp rants, industry banter, comedy business talk, pop culture commentary, and fan-favorite segments like “Greater Than or Less Than.” As always, Adam’s transparency, skepticism, and relatable gripes anchor the discussions, with Gina and Brian matching his sarcasm and energy, while Ian and Greg add their own comedic lens on the world.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Corporate Gigs, Comedians, and Credibility

Timestamps: [08:10]–[11:45], [36:00]–[42:00]

• Bald Bryan shares his experience speaking to SpaceX recruiters and reflects on the nuances between doing gigs for fans vs. corporate audiences.
• Adam draws the distinction between “noble” corporate motivational speaking and the “sellout” stigma for comedians or bands taking the same money.
• Gina notes the merch dilemma—should you bring your own book to corporate gigs or is it cheesy?
• Adam: “It’s a paycheck. Don’t get weird about it. Jon Stewart’s not bragging about doing corporates, but it’s all the same—you’re getting paid to share ideas or motivate.” [08:26]
• Discussion on bands (like the Foo Fighters) and celebrities doing high-paying private gigs for the “Sultan,” including the secrecy of advertising campaigns for American stars in Japan.

2. Smart Leadership and ‘Out-Of-Touch’ Elites

Timestamps: [03:40]–[05:40]

• Adam defends the value of “big picture” thinkers like Elon Musk, drawing a line between necessity of everyday knowledge and the genius’ focus.
• “I guarantee Elon Musk has no fucking idea how much a head of lettuce is. And let someone else shop for him... For one time, I want a politician to say ‘no, I’m trying to stop us from getting a nuke—is that okay?’” (Adam, [04:36])
• Touches on politicians being shamed for not knowing “the price of milk” versus actually leading on big issues.

3. Efficiency, Defiance, and Turning Left on Red

Timestamps: [12:00]–[20:00]; [25:00]–[33:00]

• Adam’s (in)famous rant on refusing to wait for pointless red-arrow left turns “for 15 years, never a ticket,” advocating for “numbers-based” driving over “feelings-based” obedience.
• Recurring riff: Adam details his maneuvers, the “power move” of going around left-lane stooges, and his diatribe against traffic control “lemmings.”
• Gina: “It’s wildly efficient if you’re safe about it.”
• Adam: “Statistically, almost no danger of getting a ticket... The cops, if they did it catch-as-catch-can, would cut profits by 87%.” [25:44]
• The group jokes about how violating traffic norms becomes second nature—“like killing hookers… hard at first but you get used to it.” [33:03]

4. On the Comedy Industry, Diversity, and Quotas

Timestamps: [68:09]–[89:55]

• Ian Edwards discusses leaving a lucrative writing gig on Blackish to pursue stand-up: “It’s a trap... After five years, did I do what I really wanted?”
• Adam and Ian bond over “betting on yourself,” the tradeoff between security vs. risk in creative work, and the factory-job safety net mentality.
• Adam rants on industry quotas: "If my son is a 6.5 in comedy and my daughter is the same, I'd tell my daughter to write for sitcoms—they're looking for women." [85:28]
• Adam further unpacks the controversy around his “female comics are less funny” stance: “If you want honesty, someone has to say men or women or a dead heat. Nature bears me out—men are motivated to get laughs to get laid. It’s biological.” [84:34]

5. Fan Games: “Greater Than or Less Than”

Timestamps: [42:57]–[47:23], [162:22]–[175:33]

• Callers challenge the crew with pop culture and sports comparison trivia:
  • Number of times “fuck” is said in Pulp Fiction vs. “love” in the Bible.
  • Heaviest female athlete vs. fastest car speed.
  • Wu Tang Clan tennis references vs. Kim Kardashian’s marriages.
• Trivia highlights: The lowest-grossing film of all time—Zyzzyx Road—grossed only $30, more than the current oldest living stripper!

6. Showbiz & Celebrity Psychology

Timestamps: [65:00]–[67:00]; [181:00]–[184:00]

• Adam recounts Mel Brooks showing him glowing reviews at the age of 89—“They’re wildly insecure. You think celebs wouldn’t be, but the struggle for validation never ends.”
• On the insecurity that drives not just comedians, but actors and public figures.

7. Pop Culture, Audience, and Critical Reception

Timestamps: [134:05]–[146:52]

• Lively debate about Entourage vs. Sex and the City movies, and the critical double-standard for “rich white guy frivolity” vs. “girl power.”
• The team notes that while critics panned Entourage, fans loved it; similar movies with female casts fare better with critics.
• Adam: “Don’t judge it for who’s doing what, just judge the product!” [146:51]

8. Rants: Race, Advertising, and the “Politically Correct” World

Timestamps: [49:00]–[54:38], [97:49]–[101:52]

• Adam calls out patronizing selective diversity in DUI PSAs (“Why are only white guys shown? It’s racist not to include everyone in public service.”)
• Discussion of targeted advertising and brand loyalty, with Adam mocking the idea that kids are “lifelong” loyal to car or food brands just because of what they buy at 19.
• Police abuse: Adam and Ian riff on cops' assholery being primary, racism secondary—with “Fuber” (“For Us, By Us Uber”) gag and an over-the-top cop-encounter analysis.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

Smart People Should Focus on Big Things

“No, I’m trying to stop us from getting a nuke—is that okay? ... How much do you know about how many reactors Iran has? So shut the fuck up.”
— Adam Carolla, [05:06]

The Myth of Brand Loyalty

“I drove a fucking Isuzu pickup truck... now I drive a Jag. And guess what? I’m not gonna go home and eat fucking Top Ramen tonight either.”
— Adam Carolla, [53:23]

On Career Risks and Comedy

“I could probably ride on that show for five years, buy a house, but did I do what I really wanted?... I want to gamble.”
— Ian Edwards, [69:59-73:21]

Diversity Quotas and Merit

“If my son was black, I'd encourage him to get a job for the LA Fire Department. They'll hire him faster. I'm looking for success, not fairness.”
— Adam Carolla, [87:10]

Police Are Asshole First, Racist Second

“People—and cops especially—are assholes first, racist second.”
— Adam Carolla, [98:19]

Driving and Defiance

“Statistically, almost no danger of getting a ticket... What everyone else does—go to Vegas, speed—guaranteed ticket. But I’m the Mad Max renegade.”
— Adam Carolla, [25:44]

The Sacredness of Porn Thumbs Up/Down

“That chick’s got feelings... the only thing worse than your daughter starring in a double penetration anal video is the 56 thumbs down.”
— Adam Carolla, [107:32]

---

Segment Timestamps

• Corporate Gigs & Merch Dilemma: [08:10]–[11:45]
• Elon Musk, Out-of-Touch Elites: [03:40]–[05:40]
• Police, Cops & Racial Takedowns: [97:49]–[101:52]
• Driving/Traffic Rant: [12:00]–[20:00]; [25:00]–[33:00]
• “Greater Than or Less Than” Games: [42:57]–[47:23], [162:22]–[175:33]
• Comedy/TV Writing Quotas: [68:09]–[89:55]
• Showbiz Insecurity: [65:00]–[67:00]
• Critics vs. Fans: Entourage v. Sex & the City: [134:05]–[146:52]

---

Episode Highlights

• Classic Corolla: Adam is in rare form, combining observation with biting humor, from pop culture to driving angst.
• Ian Edwards’ Insight: Balances gentle self-reflection and bold choices in comedy, illustrating the tension between “security” and “calling.”
• Engaging Banter: Gina and Bryan give quick-witted, relatable asides, while callers bring fun games and scenarios.
• No Sacred Cows: Adam questions everything—PC quotas, driving laws, public service messaging, even himself.
• Irreverent but Self-Aware: The show weaves together cultural commentary, personal anecdotes, outrageous analogies, and rants, always with a wink.

---

For New Listeners

This episode provides a quintessential Carolla Show experience: long-form “no-holds-barred” talk; thoughtful, funny guests; industry war stories; and equal opportunity skewering of politics, social norms, institutions, and everyday expectations. Whether discussing why the ‘system’ is inefficient, the perils of “sausage fest” TV writers’ rooms, the psychology of fame, or why people give thumbs down to niche porn, Adam and his crew bring sharp observation—and a lot of laughs.

---

Note: Ads, full intro/outro, and off-topic segments have been omitted for succinctness and clarity. All timestamps are approximate, in MM:SS format. Quotes are attributed where possible.

---

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Five Hour Energy Ignite your taste buds with a freezer pop classic. Reimagined as a delicious Firework Freeze five Hour Energy Shot. It's a great summer flavor that will remind you of your childhood with all the caffeine needed to be an adult. I describe it as a citrusy lime and candy like blue raspberry combination. And as great as it tastes, it has no sugar. Amazing. It's super convenient too. The small bottles fit right in your pocket. Do it very easily so you can always grab one for the road. When you're watching fireworks during the 4th of July, enjoy a firework freeze 5 hour energy shot to keep you going through the night. It's five Hour Energy right Dawson? Ignite your taste buds with a firework freeze flavored five hour energy shot. Now available online at Fivehrenergy.com or Amazon. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

[Brian Bishop]

My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. Twas a lovely suv, an inexplicably queenly offer.

[Gina Grad]

They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast.

[Brian Bishop]

An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana.

[Gina Grad]

Pick up fees may apply.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Kroll Classics.

[Gina Grad]

Hello, I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you would like to access the

[Gina Grad]

archive of the Adam Carolla show, The

[Adam Carolla]

Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the newer podcast Beat it out,

[Gina Grad]

make sure to check out Adam Corolla

[Adam Carolla]

substack adamco.substack.com Sign Up Subscribe Listen ad

[Gina Grad]

free and if you'd like to request

[Adam Carolla]

a clip Please email us classicsamcrolla.com alright, let's get to the clips. Coming first we have Adam Crolla Show

[Gina Grad]

1545 featuring Ian Edwards along with Gina

[Adam Carolla]

Grad and Brian Bishop from 2015. Good day, Gina. Graham, Good day to you. Handball. Bryan, this isn't a game. This is my life.

[Gina Grad]

Andrew Griffith wanted that on Twitter. I think inspired by Gina's big win yesterday.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Gina Grad]

In the Ron tomatoes.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm still on cloud now.

[Gina Grad]

You're still riding high up there.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm on the pink cloud.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking about that.

[Gina Grad]

That sounds like a euphemism.

[Adam Carolla]

Riding the pink cloud. I actually thought about that later on last night. She let a pink cloud go. She was stepping out of the hot tub and it was kind of an awkward position where her back leg wasn't really fully planted. Some of that could have just been the bubbles from the Jacuzzi.

[Gina Grad]

Could have been a suction thing with the plastic, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

And just like that, happiness gone ball. Bryan is returning from a speaking engagement. Of what kind, I do not know.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, I went to a buddy of mine, works for SpaceX, the rocket company, Elon Musk's rocket company, and he said, hey, man, you want to tell yourself a few people here, I've passed your book around. People read it, and I think you have a great story. Would you want to come talk to one of our teams at a team building thing? I'm like, fuck, yeah, SpaceX. I'd love to check it out. Turns out it was downtown at a hotel. They're good people and I love doing it, but I really wanted to go check out the facility. That would have been awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't it? Elon and SpaceX and I just got a Tesla for my wife and so on and so forth. This is sort of what I'm always talking about. Just fucking have smart people, give smart people an opportunity and get the fuck out of the way.

[Gina Grad]

Yes. And the room was full of super smart people because it was actually the recruiting team, which are employees, who were sort of tasked with, I'm pretty sure,

[Brian Bishop]

finding the new talent.

[Gina Grad]

Finding new talent, whether it's at universities or whether it's at other companies or whatever it is, is identifying and getting them.

[Adam Carolla]

It was funny. I was yelling at doing catch a contractor yesterday in Rancho Cuca fucking Munga. And I was ranting about this thing where it's, well, you don't want your leaders to be out of touch. We asked George Bush what a quart of milk cost. And I was like, I don't know how much a fucking quart of milk costs. And I'm glad.

[Gina Grad]

Isn't that good?

[Adam Carolla]

It's good. And then I said, I guarantee Elon Musk has no fucking idea how much ahead of lettuce is good. It's a fucking genius. He's working on the. He's building supercars, building a hypertube that's gonna get us to fucking New York in three minutes. Let someone else shop for him. Jesus Christ. Like, for one time, I want some fucking politician when they go like, well, do you even know how much a quart of milk is? Or have you seen any of the Fast and Furious series that somehow means

[Gina Grad]

you really care about the common man?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm trying to stop from getting a nuke. Is that okay, by the way? How much do you know about how many reactors Iran has? So shut the fuck up.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. He's a big picture guy. He doesn't need to worry about the micro stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

He is, and that's good. And we should let him do that and we should encourage that instead of doing the. Yeah, but how come he's out of touch? He should be wildly out of touch.

[Brian Bishop]

He should be.

[Gina Grad]

He's been lying.

[Brian Bishop]

His IQ is out of touch.

[Gina Grad]

Figuring things out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I don't know how in touch Einstein was. Do you think he knew what a fucking quart of milk cost? No. He paid someone to go on a fucking run.

[Gina Grad]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

He figured out with that huge brain of his that it would be a waste of a small amount of space in his brain to take that piece of information and sock it away.

[Gina Grad]

A lot of this was taken directly from my talk today.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, clearly.

[Adam Carolla]

I do this with my kids middle names.

[Gina Grad]

How do you feel? You probably. You do corporate gigs and I doubt this factors into what you do, but I feel like a douche. The guy I showed up with a book mostly just to reference it.

[Adam Carolla]

Your book?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. No, it was a random book. Dante's Inferno.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, but you said I showed up with a book and I didn't know. It could have been the Bible.

[Gina Grad]

That's a great point. I showed up with the Bible of cancer, memoirs, shrinkage, mostly as a prop, but mostly to reference it and also in case I needed to find anything in the book. But I gave it away as like, hey, someone who asks a good question. You can have the book. But I feel like the guy who sells CDs out of the back of his car. It feels weird to bring your own merch.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, two answers. I think if you're. Yeah. If you're doing that thing where you're maybe setting up the table on the

[Gina Grad]

way out, but more power to that guy, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what we do. It's what Mike August does on every show. Here's the way I look at it. If it's a gig where it's a corporate gig and they go, here's X amount to come do this, then you're

[Gina Grad]

probably not selling merch.

[Adam Carolla]

You got paid for your corporate gig. You don't need to be hawking shit on the folding table on the way out and that crowd isn't there for that. If you're doing a gig where I don't know how many people are gonna show up to get their whatever signed or to see you do whatever it is you're doing and they're fans and they want a T shirt or they want a book or they want a whatever, then it's fine, because that's what they want. These people, this is a corporation, so they're not bald, Bryan. Fans, per se.

[Brian Bishop]

No offense, but it sounds mandatory.

[Gina Grad]

No, they had to be there. I had to sign all their permission slips at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

It was fun, though. Yeah. So there you go. Yeah, that's nice. And it's flattering.

[Gina Grad]

It is extremely flattering. I mean, I think it was funny because it was about 50, 50 men and women, and I made sure to emphasize the parts involving Christy and our relationship and hers, the caregiver, which, of course, is much of the book. But she, you know, she's the star, and they all identify with that, so it was a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, good times and many more.

[Gina Grad]

I'd love to.

[Adam Carolla]

And look, there's nothing. It's weird because when you do it, it's sort of noble. When comedians.

[Brian Bishop]

Comedians.

[Adam Carolla]

When comedians do it, it's kind of a sellout, you know?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah, I'm doing a down.

[Gary Heftard]

The down.

[Gina Grad]

Doing a corporate gig.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Jon Stewart's not going to brag about doing corporate gigs because it has the word corporate in it and it's for money.

[Gina Grad]

But for me, it was all about perseverance. And that was the theme of the whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the theme is either you're making people laugh or you're motivating people, or you're doing a little veatch or whatever it is. It's a paycheck. It's you talking, getting paid, sharing ideas, sometimes jokes, sometimes stories, sometimes experiences. It's fine.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, the people who do it, you know, I'll tell people, if I have a corporate gig, I'll tell them. I think comedians get a little weird about it.

[Gina Grad]

Bands are the worst. I'm sure bands get the worst about it because, you know, you gotta kinda maintain your cred.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. No, I actually. I talked to Pat Smear about that.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

About Foo Fighters?

[Gina Grad]

I'm sure they do big gigs.

[Adam Carolla]

Said not so much anymore.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, sorry. At one point, used to.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, you're never too big for the sultan to give you a million bucks.

[Gina Grad]

Good point.

[Adam Carolla]

And whatever. Free airfare and you're never too big. Lets you look at his underground Nazi war museum.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

All the perks of the giggles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, that's fine. He said they used to do them just to sort of add on a few bucks at the end of. At the End of a tour, but not so much anymore. But look, you used to have to go like a celebrity. Had to go to Japan, right? It's funny, all the. Probably the height of it and the biggest name guy. I don't like to talk about my own projects, but come on, give the

[Gina Grad]

people what they want.

[Brian Bishop]

Just this one just gave the thing

[Adam Carolla]

about selling the books. It's the end of the thing.

[Gina Grad]

We'll pretend. We'll edit that out later. We'll edit that out later.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Paul Newman. Budweiser was his sponsor, I think. Like Folger's coffee, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi.

[Gina Grad]

That's the racing game.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the racing game. You didn't see commercials in the United States. Posters, banners, anything with him doing these commercials in the United States. A lot of this stuff was for Japan. So even though those are his sponsors

[Gina Grad]

written into the contract, it couldn't be shown in US tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, think about it. You had Budweiser all over almost every car he had. But you don't remember Budweiser ads. You don't remember Paul Newman for Budweiser Associate, those things. Now, it's no big deal. You just pick up your Oscar and you get into your Lincoln and you start driving and talking to God knows who. But that's how it works.

[Gina Grad]

Goes talking to the air.

[Brian Bishop]

But that's the thing between doing commercials that they would have never done and every actor now taking all the voice acting jobs and doing animated features, Is everyone just sort of casting a wider net?

[Adam Carolla]

It's game on. I think the Internet has just made it game on for everything.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it's broken the seal of who can do what.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally, people would come back. Like people back in the day would go, I went to Japan on business and there was a Sylvester Stallone was advertising top Ramen or something. Their mind would be blown because it could stay there and no one would catch wind of it.

[Gina Grad]

No possible way.

[Adam Carolla]

And now that Japanese commercial would be translated and thrown up on YouTube. So if you're. Now, if you're the celebrity, it's either don't do it at all, never get paid, or just go, fuck it.

[Brian Bishop]

Might as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Especially now that everyone is just going, mcconaughey's doing it. Fuck it, let's all just do it. All right. And that's what it always was anyway. You know, the people are trying to make a living here. All right, got some stuff to talk about. Ooh, had a nice milestone in my turning left through the left turn, arrows,

[Gina Grad]

millionth turn, bunch of balloons. Came down from the sky.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Brian will tell you it's been 15 years.

[Gina Grad]

I was in the car once with you when you did it when I was a young probably call screener on the radio show or just starting the sidekicking and I was like shocked. I was like, who's really doing it?

[Adam Carolla]

You ran a red arrow do nothing but run red arrows. You walk the walk now they're all over the place. They used to be kind of just strategically placed. Now they're everywhere. And every time I move there's one at the end of my street kind of thing and I have to contend with it. So I do two moves I do. You know, for me, just running the red arrow light, green arrow red, and no cars coming any direction. I think I can decide when it's safe to turn left, considering I'm going to have to make this decision.

[Brian Bishop]

When the moments in your life are too important to miss, you can trust O'Reilly Auto Parts to keep you and your plans on the road. Our professional parts people can test your vehicle's battery and even give it a charge if needed. In most cases, we can install your new battery for free. It's just one of the many services we provide at O'Reilly Auto Parts to ensure life's best moments don't find you stranded.

[Adam Carolla]

O'Reilly Auto Parts ever wonder who's out there making the world go round?

[Ian Edwards]

It's truckers. Who unites baristas with coffee beans? Truckers.

[Adam Carolla]

Who unites dogs with their favorite chew toy?

[Ian Edwards]

Truckers. That's why Progressive offers truckers even more

[Adam Carolla]

protection with cargo plus coverage to keep truckers moving right along. Quote Truck insurance today in as little as 8 [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Coverage subject to policy terms, limits and

[Ian Edwards]

conditions not yet available in California, New York and Virginia. You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers

[Adam Carolla]

earn at least one discount.

[Ian Edwards]

Visit progressive.com and see if you can

[Adam Carolla]

enjoy a little cash back.

[Ian Edwards]

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive

[Adam Carolla]

between June 2024 and May 2025.

[Ian Edwards]

Potential savings will vary.

[Adam Carolla]

500 intersections that don't have arrows at some point this week. Why can't I make this same decision now? Okay, so I. And it used to be that the things would pop up if in there was a big blind hill or some crest you couldn't see over or something. Now it's just long straightaways and arrows. Oh boy. First off, I got this fucking guy, tell me what it would be like to be wired this way, the arrows green. And then in some intersections because somebody has some semblance of humanity, it just goes away. Okay, yeah, now we're just back to nothing. It's a signal, It's a green light. But the fucking animal don't tell me

[Gina Grad]

waited behind the line.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all the time. Well, hold on, where's the awareness campaign for this? Cuz I've not seen it. Because what people do is they see the green arrow, they go, they see the red arrow, they stop. Then there's this weird in between intersection that is pretty kind of few and far between, which is the arrow goes to nothing.

[Gina Grad]

That's how it should be. Instead of the red arrow, of course, goes away.

[Adam Carolla]

But the person who's sitting there in the Civic is freaked out. Now they don't know what to do. Now what I do is, what I do every time is I'm behind them and I noticed they're not venturing into the intersection to turn left, right, the light's green, but it's gonna cycle soon. Then I do the move where I go, I wonder if they know or they're just one of the fucking many animals in the city that does the left turning from this place. You know the people that don't venture into the fucking intersection. So you sit there and you go, shall I honk at this guy? Cuz it's not really honk worthy yet. He needs to just creep out. He still could be turning left. Now you see the signal cycle. Now you see the yellow come. And now the horn. Because you're doing it. You do the horn. The person, my God, these people need to have their fucking. Whatever reproductive organs they possess need to be pulled out, thrown into a Cuisinart and fed to koi. Koi.

[Gina Grad]

Needlessly, elaborate, but yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Koi frozen and fed to hungry koi. Because then when I lean on those

[Gina Grad]

little dispensers where you put the quarter in, you can like throw it out to koi. You seen those in the Japanese restaurant, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You said needlessly. Well, as long as we're going all the way koi. Because then I don't do a honk. On the horn. I do a go, Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Lean, lean, lean on the horn. Here we go.

[Gina Grad]

The window's closing.

[Brian Bishop]

Closing.

[Adam Carolla]

And they do a weird lurch out about a foot and a half and then go. You know what?

[Gina Grad]

Too close.

[Adam Carolla]

Brawn like a son and sniper.

[Gina Grad]

It didn't have the shot.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got the missile. Oh, it's got the shell. Oh, she's handing it to the boy. Do I squeeze the trigger? It's like, my God.

[Brian Bishop]

It's the equivalent of the guy who just can't pull the trigger and start screaming and shaking his arm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that one.

[Gina Grad]

That guy.

[Adam Carolla]

So the lurch is the worst because

[Gina Grad]

that signals, oh, I'm awake. I'm simply not going to go.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

We do zero to make these guys aware in the town with the worst traffic in the world. To make them aware that it's okay to engage in this or to do anything. It's always just click it or ticket or better yet, we're in a drought.

[Gina Grad]

Important information.

[Adam Carolla]

Super important. Zero, by the way, what shall I do about the drought from inside of my car, stuck in traffic. What shall I do? Summon the ghost of Mulholland and tell him, you know, we need more water coming from. We need another aquifer. We need. The ghost of Mulholland must construct an aquifer. And we must get more from the Owens Valley pouring in. Or shall I fucking. How about I just open the sunroof and I just look up to the heavens and we do a rain dance or something? I mean, maybe I shouldn't use my wiper spray.

[Gina Grad]

Yep, that's a concern.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in my car.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What shall I do? Like, I have a bottle of water in my lap. I'm parched now. Save it for the. Save it for the. Save it for the hedge. Yeah, I got some. I got a Texas privet in the front yard. I'm gonna save this for that. Jesus fucking Christ. What the hell am I supposed to do about the fucking drought? The clicketer ticket is so. The seatbelt's on and so is the drought, evidently. But there's nothing I can do about either one. But there will be no information to

[Gina Grad]

get the guy moving in front of you.

[Brian Bishop]

If this helps you in any way, please know that your message isn't in vain because I have now adopted the I'm going as opposed to you go. No, you go. No, I am so point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the point at the person and then point at the direction you want them to go.

[Gina Grad]

You'll eventually adopt all of his philosophies. He'll have no choice.

[Gary Heftard]

Oh, God.

[Gina Grad]

I ran a red letter last night.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Everyone do it. Hero never get tickets.

[Gina Grad]

So it's wildly efficient. If you're safe about it. You look around for cops, it's wildly efficient.

[Adam Carolla]

All you have to do is look behind you because it doesn't look like you're doing anything. Now I look next to you. So you say to yourself, well, now what? Now what happens when there's somebody who's already in that lane? A stooge, a lamb, a pussy, a heel. What happens when that person who hates his or her life is sitting there waiting for the man to tell him it's okay to turn? Well, I drive around them and that's what I do all the time. And then what happens when it's a double left turn lane? Well, then I have two cars to drive around. And I do it frequently. I simply go around the two cars and turn in front of them. But I did an all time power move. My first one, big day. First one yesterday, which was. Got sucked in behind a car, was not turning left. There was nobody coming at us.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, you went left?

[Adam Carolla]

I went left. There were too many cars going on the right, too many cars going down the lane for me to pull out and go around. So I dipped in and just cut inside of them and went around them that way. Very sweet.

[Brian Bishop]

Because do people ever. Then they step on it just to say, fuck you. That's not allowed. Now I'll go, no, they left alone behind.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they're stopped at a red arrow.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, but okay, I get you. But they never, they never all of a sudden want to compete with you and say, oh, I'm trying that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the fucking pussies are sitting at a red light. It's no different than if there's no difference than if you're at a red light and you just decide to run the red light. Which I did on the way home from Rancho Cuca fucking Munga because it was one of those lights, you know, the lights that got put there after they put the big condo complex up or the shopping mall up. Like you can tell there was no light there. It was at Long street driveway. It's essentially for a driveway. And the elderly couple, like pulled out. And I just did the, well, it's a driveway and there's nobody else here and stop sign. Listen, everyone, I'm telling you, you will never get a ticket for this shit. We are so fucking. We are so feelings based. Be numbers based. Look, be feelings based with your nana or your kids, when you're throwing a ball or at the end of Saving Private Ryan. Like be feelings based. Then when you're driving, be numbers based.

[Gina Grad]

Pure efficiency.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You know who are numbers based?

[Gary Heftard]

Cops.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think cops aimlessly wander around looking for people to write tickets to? Do you think that cops who have to fill the coffers of the city look around and go. Do you think that the edict to the highway patrol or LAPD or any of these other fucking pussies is all right, you know what, fellas? Drive around, catch as catch can. If you see somebody driving through a red light or left turn arrow or speeding or something like that, well then give him a ticket. But if not, you know, just go about your way. No, it's talk to the guy flying the fixed wing airplane, talk to the guy in the helicopter, hide behind the fucking overpass, go to the bottom of the hill, tuck yourself up the driveway, get the radar gun out, get to the end of force lawn. Not the beginning of force lawn. People don't speed at the beginning of force lawn. The end. It's an endless fucking four lane highway. Seems like 60 or 55 is perfectly safe. There's no signals, there's no side streets. Dead people on a fucking hill. None of them are gonna roll down and get in front of you.

[Gina Grad]

Can't hurt him anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing that's ever gonna happen. Good. Why don't we have chicken shit motorcycle cop back up the Jewish cemetery parking lot and he'll go up the driveway and then he'll sit there with his fucking radar gun. Do you think he's catches catch canny. It'd be like telling fishermen, just go swim out in the ocean. See what you see what you can rustle up dinner.

[Brian Bishop]

Whatever you can catch with your hands is yours.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they have fucking gill nets. They go to the places where all the tuna are and they start trolling. I mean that's what they're doing. Cops. If they just did it the way I said, just, just randomly go around, see if you see people going through red lights or what have you, they would cut their profits 87%. All they do is line up all the way along the grapevine and fucking blast everyone with radar coming both directions. And then they turn around and they write chicken shit tickets. This is what they do, this is how they raise money. So what I'm doing statistically has almost no danger of getting a ticket. It does not possess a danger. What I do does nothing. Now what everyone else does, which is all of you, which you all engage in is I'm going to Vegas or I'm going up north. I'm taking the Grapevine, I'm going to San Francisco. And good news, Christy and I, we're taking the Jag.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweet.

[Brian Bishop]

Sweet.

[Caller/Listener]

Right?

[Gina Grad]

Let those horses run.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and by the way, that car does 85. You can't even tell it's moving.

[Gina Grad]

It barely even registers on the pulse.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, so none of us here would have any qualms about taking our newish. Whatever. And by the way, go down to fucking Kia. I don't care. New car, safe, quiet, aerodynamically sound speed rated tires and anti lock brakes. None of us, even the chickiest of all the chicks in the room, would have no problem heading to San francisco and doing 83 on the fucking open highway. Not only do we have no problem with it, that's what we do.

[Gina Grad]

It'd be weird if you didn't. People would be honking at you.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, you'd be the worst.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, so you lame brains go out to where you're statistically, almost certainly guarantee yourself a ticket and engage in a behavior, but I'm some sort of Mad Max insane renegade for doing the one that statistically offers almost a 0% chance of getting a ticket. And Dawson, ask me how I know that. Statistically it's almost zero on the tickets.

[Caller/Listener]

How do you know that?

[Adam Carolla]

15 fucking years of doing it, never a ticket. 15 years. 15 fucking years of going through that piece of shit Culver City and driving through Arrows every night on my way home from Loveline. Fifteen fucking years of living up on top of Lake Hollywood and coming down and saying no right, no right on a, on a red and driving right through it on the way home. No left on the. Driving right through it every fucking day. Not twice a week, not every other day, three, four, five times a fucking day. I now added red lights. Just going through red lights as part of my repertoire.

[Caller/Listener]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, cops bust me, you pussies. You don't have enough pussies to hide at every fucking intersection. Corolla's excited. You fucking pussy cowards have to go to the grapevine. You must get your gillnet. You need a gillnet. You can't go out there like a fucking noble warrior with a spear.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, looking for Moby Dick. They need the school.

[Adam Carolla]

You need your fucking school. And how else do they use. They use radar and they find their big school of fish and they throw their fucking net out like fucking pussies. Well, go ahead. You don't know where I'M gonna be next. And I can tell you this, when I do get a ticket, finally, I will laugh my fucking ass off because

[Gina Grad]

it'll be at the pennies per infraction it cost you at the pen.

[Adam Carolla]

It won't even be pennies because I've done it thousands and thousands and thousands of times. It will be like 1/10 of a percent of a penny for whatever. Fine. And by the way, I will fucking fight the shit because you will have to prove to me why it is dangerous for me to turn when the intersection before it and the intersection after it had no arrow. And then I will make a super fucking compelling argument as to why it was more dangerous for me to sit in a parked car in the middle of the road.

[Gina Grad]

I can't wait for that live show.

[Adam Carolla]

How many people die on PCH in Malibu? I mean, it's the most dangerous stretch ever. Bruce Jenner's just We just had a situation. If you go to PCH and you go to Malibu and you get up on top of that hill, the one that's after Pepperdine a little bit, you will just fucking sit there on an arrow. At an arrow, you park your car in the middle of the street while cars come from behind you and at you at 55 to 60 miles an

[Gina Grad]

hour, separated by about.

[Ian Edwards]

You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers

[Adam Carolla]

earn at least one discount.

[Ian Edwards]

Visit progressive.com and see if you can

[Adam Carolla]

enjoy a little cash back.

[Ian Edwards]

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive

[Adam Carolla]

between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

[Ian Edwards]

Ever wonder who's out there making the world go round its truckers. Who unites baristas with coffee beans? Truckers.

[Adam Carolla]

Who unites dogs with their favorite chew toy?

[Ian Edwards]

Truckers. That's why Progressive offers truckers even more

[Adam Carolla]

protection with cargo plus coverage to keep truckers moving right along. Quote Truck insurance today in as little as 8 [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Coverage subject to policy terms, limits and conditions not yet available in California, New York and Virginia.

[Gina Grad]

Eight inches, maybe 10.

[Adam Carolla]

Does anyone feel like that's a Safer alternative than turning and getting the fuck out of the way when it's safe. So you're sitting there and there's some chick texting. Who's coming down? I'm sorry to bring Bruce into this again, but the chick is texting and she's coming at 65. That's safer. Sitting in the middle of this fucking road.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Don't. Don't you dare turn left. You're not supposed to.

[Gary Heftard]

Would you.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you. Could you imagine if you got rid of the concrete barrier on a freeway and just parked your car in the middle lane between the two cars going the other direction at 60 miles an hour? Would you ever even fucking dream of doing that?

[Gina Grad]

I've seen the program. I know it can be done.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying.

[Gina Grad]

Remember that scene from the program?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They got in a lot of trouble.

[Gina Grad]

They surely took the scene out of the theatrical release. They cut it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Copycats were.

[Gina Grad]

Kids were imitating them, and they got fucking killed.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Well, how does. How does. How to train your dragon avoid litigation? My son at home yelling at a lizard all day. Fly, damn you. And then trying to ride it.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, exactly. Could I shoot off the roof?

[Adam Carolla]

Sue Pixar? My son got a compound fracture of his femur when he tried to ride a lizard off the roof. Like, it's a fucking movie, you retards.

[Gina Grad]

Anyway, left turns.

[Brian Bishop]

You digress.

[Adam Carolla]

Am I diagnosed? So zero tickets for the ace, man. And listen, I've been yelling for 15 years. Lemmings gonna let another year go by. Just sitting there waiting to be T boned, waiting for the man to say, it's okay, do it. Do it. Everyone do it.

[Brian Bishop]

So the greatest response is gonna be when you get pulled over and the cop walks up to you and says, do you know why I pulled you over?

[Adam Carolla]

He'll never have to ask that. Because of what?

[Gina Grad]

You'll be laughing as well of what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll be laughing hysterically. I'll never get pulled over because it'll never happen. Because I look in my rearview mirror, and as long as one of these guys isn't just hiding in a hedge. Hiding? No, no. They don't hide in a hedge. There. That's the whole point, right? There is no urban.

[Caller/Listener]

Urban.

[Adam Carolla]

Urban actors, no action in the intersection. It's not that they're not in this area. Oh, they're in this area. They're on Hollywood Way on the way to Burbank Airport.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

I toss a cop every day on

[Adam Carolla]

the way to work, tucked in between two cars for people that are running late to catch a Southwest flight and they're at the aforementioned Forced Lawn Drive. They're not. That's. They're in fucking tuna's biting. They're not sitting at the fucking intersection where nothing is going on except for me going through the fucking arrow, which by the way, did not exist four years ago or seven years ago or last month in some cases. So let's all. Let's all just fucking do it. Everyone do it. Gary, are you doing it? Oh, absolutely. When I lived up. When I lived up by your Lake Hollywood house, I did it all the time. Yeah, it's the first three feel hard. I say it's like killing hookers. It's hard at the beginning, but you

[Gina Grad]

get used to it. In fact, you develop a taste for it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. I get a certain satisfaction every fucking time I do. Does scare people, though. If you forget that you have someone new in the car that doesn't know the way you drive, you just pull that move.

[Gina Grad]

I've had a few.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa. Like, yeah, my favorite post is the guy parked behind me honks the horn and gives the hands up.

[Gina Grad]

What are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, careful. DraftKings, baby. That's what I'm doing. Spring training underway. Baseball. Wait a minute. Baseball's got to starting in what, a week?

[Gina Grad]

Starts on Sunday. I think the first game is on Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

It's coming fast, baby. Daily fantasy means no long commitments. Every time you play, it's like a new season. It's DraftKings. Just pick two pitchers, eight position players stay under the salary cap, and you could be on your way to a massive payday. Hundreds of thousands of fantasy sports fans just like you, just like you have cashed in at DraftKings. DraftKings. Dawson, hurry to DraftKings.com now and use promo code ace to play for free in the hundred thousand dollar fantasy baseball contest on opening day. First place takes home $10,000. Use promo code ACE for free entry [e-mail] draftkings.com draftKings.com all right. See Travis from Anchorage, Alaska, who was playing a greater than or less than game. I'm not calling him a ripoff artist, but when I used to do the morning radio show, fat Tad was on

[Gina Grad]

the show, saw the exact same thing. And I was hoping we'd bring that back, but of course with no Tad. What's, you know, it was called which weighs more.

[Adam Carolla]

Which weighs more. And I would, you know, tad went about $3.35 and I would pick Like a stack, washer, dryer set and go like.

[Gina Grad]

Which weighs more like 55 chickens or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we had like Thanksgiving themed ones. 200 cans of cranberry sauce or Big Dad.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, that's a great game, Mitch.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Mitch?

[Caller/Listener]

Well, first of all, long time, first time, big fan. I rented Road Hard the day it dropped, despite purchasing my tickets to see it live in Portland. And I really enjoyed it. So hats off to you on that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, thanks for watching it. I appreciate it.

[Caller/Listener]

So maybe it's one of those situations where life imitates art, but I basically just lived through a scene from Road Hard and I thought you would appreciate hearing this story.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm all ears.

[Caller/Listener]

So I work for a big consumer brand and we have yearly meetings with one of our top accounts. And to keep it fun, we bring in entertainers, sometimes musicians. This year we brought in a comedian. And this is a very well known guy. I don't want to say his name, but he's been in the game for 20, 30 years. He's been all over TV. I'm pretty sure he's been on your podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Caller/Listener]

So before the show, I guess we prompted him and told him to keep it at a gentle R rating. We told him not to really censor his act, but do your thing and kind of be aware of who your audience is. I mean, it's a bunch of corporate old dudes, not a bunch of guys drinking at a comedy club.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Caller/Listener]

So he basically started the show saying that it was a big mistake trying to center him. And the gist of his opening joke was that he should punish the parents that allow their young teenage girls to dress slutty by raping them.

[Gina Grad]

The parents or the kids?

[Brian Bishop]

The parents.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a friend, but he works blue.

[Gina Grad]

That's what you get with Foxworthy.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple of tall boys before he hits the stage.

[Gina Grad]

Well, it's called the blue color comics.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this. I think a lot of comedians, we were just talking about the corporate world. They're like, I'm no corporate shilling. By the way. Make that checkout.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, the checks already cleared.

[Adam Carolla]

Make that checkout to me. But then I'll be a rebel after I get to Sacramento and it's like, to do the gig, he's in Portland. But what I'm saying is, if you want to be, you know, you want to fucking fight the power, don't fucking show up. Or don't take the money, don't show up and be a rebel.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But all right, that was probably his way of sort of saving face, just in his own mind.

[Gina Grad]

Says by saying, fuck Nike.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? We're doing the Portland math.

[Ian Edwards]

Go ahead.

[Caller/Listener]

So, yeah, it got really graphic. And after two or three minutes, kind of the heads of the account, you know, gave the cut, cut symbol and security pulled him off stage.

[Ian Edwards]

Wow.

[Caller/Listener]

And show was over. And then, of course, he took to Twitter and said some really unfavorable things about the company I work for. And the account demanded his money. We hadn't paid him yet, and I guess. I guess he did get paid, but from what I hear, lawyers are getting involved, and it just turned really ugly.

[Adam Carolla]

Who give us some initials or something?

[Gina Grad]

Or what kind of comedy he's famous for.

[Brian Bishop]

What does it rhyme with?

[Caller/Listener]

He's probably most known for being on a sketch TV show.

[Gina Grad]

But wait, if he was on Twitter, then he certainly outed himself as doing this.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, well, I think he went back and deleted his tweet.

[Gina Grad]

Gary, Google that shit.

[Adam Carolla]

But once they're out there, they're out there. Is this Dag?

[Caller/Listener]

I will say it was not dag.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Gina Grad]

He was on a sketch show.

[Adam Carolla]

I keep going back to Living Color Star. It's racist. I can't help it. Tommy Davidson.

[Gina Grad]

This fucking Nike, man. They're paying, like, top dollar. Yeah, seriously.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we don't know what company it is. He didn't say what his company was.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian seems very confident.

[Gina Grad]

I haven't heard a denial yet.

[Adam Carolla]

There's one company in Portland he works

[Gina Grad]

for, a company that cannot afford to have bands and major comedians.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a big brand.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no. First off. Well, okay, but he said he was on our show, so he can't be. Oh, sorry. Ian Edwards is coming up. Comedian. No, what I'm saying is, is there is a corporate gigs, I would say, for comedians. I mean, people you've heard of, not, I don't know, middle act from Tennessee, but corporate gig for a comedian. Bottom end is five grand, top end is 250. You know, it's a pretty good range. So it doesn't mean it was necessarily $100,000 gig.

[Gina Grad]

Kevin Nealon. I love the idea of him doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't you just tell us who it was? Because it's on Twitter anyway.

[Caller/Listener]

I'd rather not knowing that there's lawyers involved, but fair enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, don't fucking make it easy for him. Just give us some initials. How about that?

[Caller/Listener]

I will say he's known for impersonations.

[Gina Grad]

Fucking Dana Carvey. Who knew? He's Fucking so blue.

[Caller/Listener]

I mean, the biggest thing I had issue with is, hey, Adam, I'd like

[Adam Carolla]

to take you out for an imported beer.

[Gina Grad]

That's an impersonation.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so can we at least. Let's just pick. You know what? Don't mention the name. We'll just pick the sketch show. Okay, so Living Color or in Living

[Brian Bishop]

Color, Mad tv,

[Adam Carolla]

maybe. Yeah, Mad tv.

[Brian Bishop]

I. I have two guesses.

[Adam Carolla]

Aries Spears. Yeah, I'm only picking black hair because Ian Edwards is coming in next. Yes. All right, we'll look through the roster. We'll see if we can sort it out, and then we'll just decide Will Sasso who it is. Sounds good, but, yeah, you know the deal. Here's the long and the short of all this stuff. Bobby Lee.

[Brian Bishop]

That's who I think it is.

[Gary Heftard]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

It does a lot of impersonations. Mmm. God, there's a lot of people on that show over the years.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah, Frank Caliendo does a lot

[Gina Grad]

of impressions, but his bread and butter is corporate gigs, I imagine.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you guys made a big mistake

[Adam Carolla]

trying to censor me.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, he doesn't have R rated material.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. There's 127 cast members. Hi, Mitch. It's been a real slice.

[Caller/Listener]

Thanks, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, buddy.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't really understand that if you're say it's being televised or it's like in a huge amphitheater, a lot of people are gonna see it. I can see your whatever going, the switch getting flipped and you saying, fuck this, I'm gonna do that. But you're with, what, a hundred business people? No one's gonna see it. Nobody cares. They just wanna be entertained. Why would you do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think a lot of it is these guys get paid a lot of money. And as I always tell you, first trait of a great comedian is not a sense of humor or irony. It's being super lazy. So they don't want to put anything together for this thing. So when they tell them, you know, keep it PG13 or whatever it is, if their act is X rated, that's their act. So they don't have. They're not gonna conjigger anything for this. This audience. All right, Travis.

[Gina Grad]

What up, my Rick and Jigger?

[Adam Carolla]

Travis. Anchorage. Yeah, what's going on?

[Caller/Listener]

I was called to play the greater land, less end game before you decided I was a fraud. All right. Okay. You guys want to play?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's play.

[Caller/Listener]

Okay. See, number one, number of times they say fuck in Pulp Fiction versus number of times they say Love in the Bible.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, powerful.

[Gina Grad]

Bible's really long.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Have you seen Pulp Fiction?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll say Pulp Fiction just because it sounds like the right answer.

[Brian Bishop]

I do too.

[Gina Grad]

I'll say the Bible. I'm hopeful.

[Caller/Listener]

All right. Well, you were right, Brian. 310 loves in the Bible. 265 pups.

[Gina Grad]

264.

[Brian Bishop]

Photo finish.

[Gina Grad]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

The hammer had three fox and it got the same writing.

[Gina Grad]

Well, hope he learned your lesson.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just science. Go ahead.

[Caller/Listener]

All right, how about the weight of the heaviest female athlete. Professional athlete in pounds versus the fastest speed achieved by a car with an internal combustion engine.

[Gina Grad]

Adam might have a little advantage here. He probably knows approximately what that is. Are we talking like salt flat speed?

[Brian Bishop]

Adam, can you talk us through this?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if he wants to be technical. The fastest car that has. Basically, when they do the salt flats, they do the drivetrain versus the rocket. So rockets are like putting a jet engine on a roller skate and just letting it go. The one that are powered by an engine. Have to go through a transmission, through a drive shaft into a differential and turn the back wheels. That's.

[Caller/Listener]

And that's what we're talking about. We're talking piston engine wheel powered car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That record is 456 miles an hour. Something like that.

[Gina Grad]

For a woman to be heavier than that. Even sumo is professional, but even that 456 is heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So we're all going to say the automobile.

[Brian Bishop]

Sounds like it.

[Gina Grad]

I'll say the car.

[Caller/Listener]

You were. All right. 468 miles an hour by George Petit in 2012 versus 448 pounds by Sharon Alexander.

[Gary Heftard]

Whoa.

[Gina Grad]

Sumo wrestler.

[Adam Carolla]

Not bad.

[Brian Bishop]

Well done, Brian.

[Gina Grad]

Logic was sound, but still.

[Brian Bishop]

But still a lot of.

[Gina Grad]

That's a lot of pounds, a lot of poundage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I was only 14 miles an hour off the record.

[Gary Heftard]

Pretty good.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. It's a win.

[Adam Carolla]

Powered by V8. Yeah. Not too shabby. Thank you.

[Caller/Listener]

She might actually win that one after lunch. Who knows?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, she's cheeseburger away.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, one more, Travis.

[Caller/Listener]

Okay. Number of times Kim Kardashian has been married vs number of references to tennis in Wu Tang Clan lyrics.

[Gina Grad]

This is why the game rules. This is why the great Kim.

[Caller/Listener]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a lot of research. Well, so she's been married, what, three times? She's on her third time.

[Gina Grad]

I'm gonna say three, but there may be a fourth in there somewhere.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think Wu Tang has.

[Gina Grad]

I was gonna let that help.

[Brian Bishop]

Said the word tennis in ever for any reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of rhymes with penis and I get you could beat someone with a tennis racket if they reference Arthur Ash.

[Gina Grad]

Is that a tennis reference?

[Caller/Listener]

They can Mitchell a pro tennis player. That's fine.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, I'm going. Kim. I can't imagine them saying the word tennis.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see.

[Gina Grad]

Tennis references could be any player.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because you say reference.

[Gina Grad]

That's right. It could be Anna Porticova.

[Gary Heftard]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm going Wu Tang.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, Serena and Venus. I'm going Wu Tang also. Yeah, I'm going Wu Tang.

[Caller/Listener]

Nope. Kim. She's married three times. Wu Tang has mentioned tennis twice that.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm shocked.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's almost a winness. And Serena. Yeah, thanks, Travis. Call back next week. We'll play again, get an opening going for greater than or less than. All right, let's see a couple more calls. Ian edwards out there. Dollar Shave Club, baby. Razor's expensive. Got the vibrating handles, 19 blades, laser pointers, compass, no pivot heads, don't need it all. DollarShaveClub.com is where you go. Used it this morning. Got up, actually popped the old cartridge out, pop the new one in.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that feels good.

[Adam Carolla]

Do yourself a favor, everybody. I don't know what you're even hanging on to the old stuff for. Just get rid of the old blades and the old handles that don't line up and just get rid of it. Dollar Shave Club show up at your house. The mixing and the matching. Don't do it. It's a pain in the butt. Dollar Shave club shows up right to your front door. Get it for yourself, get it for your dad, get it for your son, get it for a friend, get it for a neighbor. Whomever. Upgrade, be smart. It takes two minutes. You do it online, you never worry about razors again. It's the smarter, easy, fast way to get your cartridges. You get the handle, and then they just send you the cartridges every month or every other month, however you like it. DollarShaveClub.com Adam DollarShaveClub.com Adam. All right, Ian's out there. Let me just blow through a couple calls, and then we'll bring Ian in and we'll get to it. Let's see. Andrew has a reverse racism question for 28. What's going on, Andrew?

[Caller/Listener]

Adam, get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, man.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah. I want to tell you all that I really enjoyed your audiobook.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, thanks, man.

[Adam Carolla]

I did as well.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, I got really emotional. I, you know, listened to it all the way home. I allowed to shoot. It was perfect. And I gave my wife a big hug and a kiss because I got that emotional, and I knew that should be, you know, just like your wife, if that ever happened to me. So. Well, you know, it gives a perspective, you know, you.

[Gina Grad]

But thank you.

[Caller/Listener]

Thanks, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I just wanted to. I'm taking online diversity marketing class, and

[Caller/Listener]

they've been talking a lot about is it ethical for corporations to market products to different ethnicities, such as the new McDonald's marketing, where it's like a lot of hip hop and things like that thrown in. And my argument was, it's okay for politicians to market ethnicity groups for votes, so why isn't it okay for corporations to do it for their money? So I just kind of want to get your feedback and your thoughts on it. Like Trump driving, you know, you see all white people being pulled over by the cops during the smoking commercials. So why isn't it okay to have ethnicities in your advertising?

[Gina Grad]

That's not marketing to people, though. I know what you're saying, but, yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

one could argue that you're doing a certain group or groups a disservice by not including them in these negative campaigns because you're not reaching them. What you're attempting to do, it's not a problem for you. Yeah. What you're attempting to do with these DUI checkpoints and all these drunk driving commercials is say, hey, man, don't drive drunk. You're gonna kill yourself. You could kill a family member. You could kill a stranger and be up for vehicular manslaughter. I mean, a DUI can really ruin your life, and it can seriously, financially, I think a dui, certainly here in Los Angeles. Ten grand, by the time you're done with the court and the lawyer and the fines and the probation and the suspension of the license or whatever it is, it can ruin your life. So assholes at the ad council or whoever's making these fucking commercials, you sanctimonious, semi racist pricks think, well, let's cut the brother man some slack or the Latino man some slack or she some slack by only having white males participate in this negative activity that we're gonna show in this commercial. Good. You're now not helping the black folk, the lady folk, or the Latina folk who may be watching this commercial going, well, that ain't me.

[Gina Grad]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking idiots. You guys are such fucking. But they're so patronizing, aren't they? I mean, they're such fucking asshole idiots in their way. I think that's one of those. It's the least we could do for the Mexicans. We're doing black Folk or whatever it is you're not. They're very conspicuously added to every single other commercial except for the DUI commercial.

[Gina Grad]

It's conspicuous when they're not part of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Look, I'm fine with whatever it is, whomever. It's a corporation. They don't have scruples. They just want to make money.

[Gina Grad]

Well, they obviously advertise towards certain demographics, certain ages, men versus women. I mean, you obviously see commercials aimed towards them. So this should literally be no different.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me tell you something. When it comes to it's racist to suggest it is different when it comes to ratings in the, like late night television, they don't even give a fuck about numbers. It's all the demographics. So you could be going, well, Jimmy Fallon's pulling 5 million viewers a night. Yeah, but Kimmel's got the demographic and that demographic is 18 to 34 males. That's the whole deal.

[Gina Grad]

So it shouldn't be any different.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, yeah, there's a lot of car commercials at night and detergent commercials during the day. That's just the way it is.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a coveted. I don't even know. Did you guys have any money at 19?

[Gina Grad]

No, of course not.

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

And I love this thing. I love this fucking retarded notion. All this stuff just comes out of Madison Avenue where they go, or Pueblo, Colorado. That's the government's retarded side of it. But the point is this, they do this thing where it's like, well, no, 19 year old Adam Carolla doesn't have any money, but it's brand loyalty. Do you think I'm driving a fucking Isuzu Trooper right now? Do you think Isuzu makes something for 50 year old rich Adam Corolla? I drove a fucking Isuzu pickup truck. I drove a Mazda pickup truck. I drove a fucking Datsun pickup truck and now I drive a Jag because I have money. And guess what? I'm not gonna go home and eat fucking top ramen tonight either.

[Brian Bishop]

And you don't know how much it

[Adam Carolla]

costs and I don't know how much any of it costs. All I know is it's too cheap for me. The point is this. What fucking brand loyalty did you get out of a 19 year old Adam Carolla buying generic root beer from the fucking Vaughn store, which is now called John's, the laziest store brand switch ever. Especially the two super faded out ons, super sun blasted ons and then the brand new red J. All right, I'm not drinking Shasta Cola. I'm not drinking Natty Light Beer or Lucky Lager. I'm not driving Isuzu. I'm not eating Dinty Moore Canned Stew. I'm not doing any of the shit I did. No fucking brand loyalty.

[Gina Grad]

You actually dislike those brands because of it?

[Gary Heftard]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

You look down on them.

[Adam Carolla]

I stepped up in every fucking department I could. That's the whole plan. I don't even know what they're talking about. All right, super important demographic, but yes, it is racist not to have women, Latinos, Asians, blacks in those DUI commercials. And are you doing that community of service by not including any of them in that commercial?

[Gina Grad]

Probably not.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say probably not.

[Gina Grad]

Probably not.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but nice job, idiots. Thomas.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah. Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

29. Mm.

[Caller/Listener]

So, basically, to keep it simple, I found out I have a 10. A few months ago, I found out I have a 10 year old son and I'm trying to be in his life. And I was just. Rather than go through everything, I figured, just answer your questions and see if you could give me any advice.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Caller/Listener]

On how to be a dad. I don't have any kids.

[Gina Grad]

Can I ask you something other than this establishing question? Did you. This is a kid you suspected was yours or was this like an out of the blue? We have a 10 year old.

[Caller/Listener]

I. At first I knew about him, but when he. I asked his mother repeatedly for a paternity test and she disappeared, which made me think. I sort of thought that was very suspicious. Like, why would you. As soon as I needed a proof that she would bounce, I thought I was putting two and two together and that in fact he was someone else's, because she told me she was pregnant. After she'd moved away, we'd been broken up a few months.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, how'd you find out now?

[Caller/Listener]

I got served with child support papers about a year ago, just some guy showed up at my door.

[Adam Carolla]

It is one of those weird things where you can deny it, but if your plan doesn't work out, then later on, double back and go have it both ways. Your kid can do that too? Yes. All right, so now this is what you have and you assume. Have you taken a DNA test?

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, a few months ago, I got the results back.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you do the crazy Maury Povich dance?

[Caller/Listener]

No, I'm white, so no.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, come on. Ian Edwards is out there. He's listening to the show. All right,

[Caller/Listener]

so basically I then tried to get in touch with the mother. And that recently happened? A few weeks ago, we met in person and you know We. I talked to her and my wife. We went down there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you and your wife? Oh, boy.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, that was. That was a whole nother side of it. Because when I had to tell my wife, she basically vacillates between being very supportive and then being kind of the hardest part to deal with. We had agreed to not have kids. You had agreed that was our plan. Well, we just didn't think we wanted them. We're just. You know what? We're not going to be. We were very happy together, and I didn't see why we needed. We just were those people. We were really happy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, look. Well, first off, Thomas, that's a weird. That's a weird gal you got there, your wife, where you just agree, no kids, we'll just go through life.

[Caller/Listener]

We talked about it and we thought about it for a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this her agreeing to do what you want, or does she really feel as strongly about having no kids as you do?

[Caller/Listener]

We both. I mean, we've been married for a while. We've been together for even longer, and it just sort of came up and we. It sounds lame, but, like, we just kind of. I didn't push for it. She didn't push for it. We both just kind of looked at each other and we're like, yeah, we. We're really not going to set out to have kids. Like, we reserve the right to change our minds. I mean, we're still pretty young.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I get it. I just saying there's not. I wouldn't count on you two never having a child.

[Gina Grad]

I agree.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, okay, true. I agree. But that we just.

[Adam Carolla]

Not now. Plan now.

[Gina Grad]

But they've had this discussion.

[Adam Carolla]

Not now. Except for the one in fourth grade. Now, how far away does your son live?

[Caller/Listener]

He's in the state, but it's about three and a half hours by car. So it's not a huge distance. But it's not exactly like, I can pop over there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And what is the biological mom's sort of. What's her take on you being introduced into the child's life?

[Caller/Listener]

Well, she was very hesitant. We both kind of agreed, you know, that we would leave it up to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Is she remarried? Does he have a. Does he have a.

[Caller/Listener]

She was married. She had a child with that husband. That husband then had a child while they were married, had a child with another woman out of wedlock, so they got divorced. And then she says she was on birth control, but had a third kid with a random dude who apparently is a piece of shit and is not involved. So she's got three kids, all by different dudes. Mine is the oldest.

[Gina Grad]

So you're by far the most responsible guy in this whole mix.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, that throws me off, Ryan, but it's true.

[Brian Bishop]

And are the facts that she basically wanted nothing to do with you until it was time to pay up?

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, well, I asked her and we're sort of at a. It's a weird sort of disagreement because we were in contact. I made my, you know, back, way back in the day. I made the need for paternity test very clear. She seems to think I never showed up for it. That's how she sees the situation, which is wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. People have a very convenient memory when it comes. And it always slants very hard their direction too. I wanted to do the paternity, but he stiff me. Yeah, that's. I'm sure. Never favors the other guy. No, and it's also. Why would the person who wanted the paternity test not show up? Whatever. All right, so the boy really has no dad right now.

[Caller/Listener]

There's a guy that she's dating that's living there, but no.

[Adam Carolla]

God, it's.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, we did. I got the chance when we went a couple weeks ago to meet her. We stayed nearby. And then she went home that day and told him. And he had had no idea. All he knew was that when he went in for the paternity test, he knew what he was taking. He knew that this was a paternity test to establish who his father was. But his mother had not told him that we had been in contact because that just happened about a month and a half ago.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's gonna be nice. Like we need to go in to establish who my father is. Ma, we've already established you're a whore. That we don't need to swallow the inner cheek with that. That's all been worn out by cock, by the way, so ain't no DNA left there.

[Gina Grad]

Do you even have an inner cheek?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably pull some guy's cock DNA off the inside of your cheek.

[Gina Grad]

It's like apparently our five Father, you're

[Adam Carolla]

33 year old male, Puerto Rican in your blood.

[Gina Grad]

This could be a sitcom.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so listen, you and your wife. Here's the good news. You and your wife don't have a child. This guy really doesn't have anyone in his life. And I think it's fine to start re entering it in little bits and pieces.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, you gotta make the best of the situation.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, we. We went down there and the following day when we met her, we met him and he was, he was wonderful. He, I mean, he's a, he's a 10 year old bright, you know, 10 year old boy.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a little you man.

[Caller/Listener]

I hope so.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute. Listen, hold on. His phone's getting funky. So let me just say this. There used to be a real stigma around everything. Simpler times, it kept people in line. But I remember my parents were divorced and I kind of. It was embarrassing. Like I'd go to like Pop Warner football practice and there was Duke Gallagher and his pretty wife and then mom. And there'd be a lot of like conversations. Like, I didn't see your dad at the game or is your mom going in like the fucking loser? Poor ugly people that can't be in the same. On the same block with one another. And it was like, it was embarrassing. Like, it was really embarrassing. And people. There were people heard of divorce, but it'd be like the dad would be up in the stands cheering, the mom would be down working the snack shack and it'd be like, where's your fucking loser parents? And I didn't even want them drop me off at my house because my lawn was three feet high and the fucking house was falling apart. Now everything's a mess. I mean, everybody, you know, everyone's got two mommies and two daddies. Everyone and every, every rap star has 13 kids. Everybody, you know, everybody's. We got the aforementioned Bruce Jenner. You know, it's just game on. It's just. There's no more judgment anymore. It's just. Everyone's just fucking doing whatever they want. Non traditional family structures or no structure, it doesn't matter. Non traditional, it's just it. Now, everyone, you know. Yeah, my parents were divorced. My parents were divorced. Everyone's parents were divorced. Everyone's, oh, that's my daughter. That's my half sister. That's my half brother, my adopted. Whatever. Everyone's got a step. Whatever. Everyone's got a half. Whatever. There's never been a better time to be a bastard.

[Brian Bishop]

Play it fast and loose, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So, Thomas, here's what I can tell you. It sounds horrible. I will bet you three to five years from now you wouldn't have had it any other way. You'll look at it and go, this is a blessing.

[Gina Grad]

Thank God he came into my life when he did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, wherever you are, however this works, whatever you do three to five years from now, you'll go, I'm so glad. And at first, oh man, I was so freaked out. I was so uncomfortable I hated it so much. But three to five years from now, you'll be happy and you can get on with your life.

[Brian Bishop]

And talking about the structure, or lack thereof, of the house that this kid is already in, with all the craziness, you're, it's. I mean, I don't think I'm overselling you to say it's possible that you'll be saving his life.

[Gina Grad]

I was gonna say at the center of all this is a 10 year old kid who could use some positive influence in his life.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, Jamal. And then we're breaking. Jamal, 25, Oakland.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Caller/Listener]

Jamal, what is the most shocking thing you found out about Hollywood once you got into the industry?

[Brian Bishop]

Like, made it in the industry?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

I mean, you lived in LA your whole life. I mean, you were kind of around it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I don't know. Celebrities are wildly insecure and I guess you look at them as very glamorous or whatever, but they're, you know, like I said, I did take a knee with Mel Brooks and he had a review from his one man show from the Cleveland Plain Dealer, and he said, have you seen my. He's 89. He said, have you seen my one man show on hbo? I said, well, no, it doesn't come out until Saturday and today's Thursday. They didn't get you a screener? He said, I said, no. And he said, here's a review from the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Look at it. It's very positive. And he didn't even know who I was. He didn't even know who I was. And he wanted me. And by the way, there's posters of Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein in Japanese, you know, hanging all around me. But it was very important to him that I knew that accomplishment. Yeah, it was like this constant struggle for recognition and validation and all that. You think these people, well, why wouldn't they be the most secure people on the planet because of how good they look or how much money they have? That's probably the part, Jamal.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, that's kind of has to do with a lot of successful people, right? Not just celebrities, because they always have to feel like they need to prove themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I found that successful people, guys that are sort of successful in certain industries or something, are a little more comfortable in their own skin or maybe relax about the other thing is, once you own 175 McDonald's franchises, you're good. When you're an actor, you're about a couple of duds and a year and a half away from just, like, never

[Gina Grad]

being seen again, not getting your phone calls returned.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you're a female and you've celebrated your 40th birthday, you better hope

[Brian Bishop]

that HD goes away.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking pedaling that bike pretty hard. Yeah. Comedian Ian Edwards in studio right after this Foreign. I like to pretend I'm you sometimes and walk around the house and, like, spit and ask him because I have really big teeth. You can leave us a message at 888-63417. Ian Edwards back on the show. So, player, his album 100% half assed. Love that name. [e-mail]. i got that right?

[Ian Edwards]

Nah. Teamcocorecords.com. all right, close in the vicinity.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's dumb?

[Gina Grad]

I'll bet that website redirects to records. I'll bet it redirects.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what his man, his management sent us. That. And then Kaelin had a bongload and then he wrote it down. All right, well, remind me to get it in the right order next time it comes up. Podcast, soccer, comic, rant. Yeah, okay. That I got right.

[Ian Edwards]

Thousand percent right.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Available on itunes now, live dates coming up. The Comedy Store tonight and tomorrow night and then Shabazz Theater in Chicago.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah, I think I can't remember my dates.

[Adam Carolla]

That's coming up June 20th. I know you're a busy man now. You're pretty much just constantly touring, right?

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah, I just started going back out because I was writing on the show first, and then now I'm out.

[Adam Carolla]

Snl?

[Ian Edwards]

No, I was writing on Blackish.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Blackish.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My tone, my skin tone prevents me from supporting this show. But it's doing really well, isn't it?

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah. I like how you just moved on from there. Hilarious. Yeah, it's doing fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's back. I mean, it's gonna keep coming back, right?

[Ian Edwards]

I mean, I. Yeah, they got a second season.

[Adam Carolla]

They got a second season.

[Caller/Listener]

Are.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you gonna come back?

[Ian Edwards]

Nah, I'm done.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Ian Edwards]

Because it's a trap. It's a trap. Like, I could probably ride on that show for five years, make some money, buy a house and stay on the show, paying for the house, and then after that, look back and say, did I do what I really wanted to do, which is go out on the road and try to make it a name and stand up? Because. So I'm doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting because speaking of brothers, I was talking to Terry Crews, who is the king of all black. Yes, he is. He's at the top black man in the dictionary. Picture Terry Crews there wearing a crown. And I said to him, well, don't you. You know, he grew up in Detroit, and there was always the factory and work and back in the day, right now, not for him, but his dad and his uncles and everybody just went to the plant, punched in, got paid pretty good hourly rate, medical and dental and all that kind of stuff. And then the plant closed down. And when he. He got out of high school, he was forced to now become Terry Crews. And I said, well, isn't it a good thing the plant wasn't open? Because if the plant had been going, he just punched into the plant and been there right now it's a good thing.

[Ian Edwards]

The auto industry crumbled. Everybody lost those jobs. So we could have Terry Cruz.

[Adam Carolla]

We could have Terry Cruz.

[Brian Bishop]

You get it.

[Ian Edwards]

It's worth it. I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone who saw Idiocracy knows that President Camacho, one of the greatest cinematic characters ever, he wore a cape. He was awesome in that. And now he's got foul up. Videos show, that's Friday night. Epic fails. My kids and I watch that every week and love it. So. But, yeah, what you're saying we're looking at a still picture of president, but you're saying it's. It's a sort of gilded cage. You go in there, they serve you lunch, they pay you well, you sit around, you trade a lot of sevens for sevens in the joke department, where you go, that seven's no good. Use my seven. And then someone else goes, no, use his seven. And then. And you waste a lot of time and you make a bunch of money, and then you get sort of sucked into this lifestyle, and you never really know. You'll never know what you could have done, Right?

[Ian Edwards]

Because I was. I had a house in Reseda. It was comfortable, you know, Got it for cheap after the recession. Like, I just benefited from somebody suffering after they lost it and couldn't afford. And I got it for less. Yeah. And then I was reading a paper one day, it was. Somebody died. He was a big writer. I'd never heard of him. And he'd written some of the most famous episodes of television ever. And the only reason I heard about him is because he died. I was like, shit, I don't want to be this guy. You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they probably won't mention it's a

[Gina Grad]

stirring tribute you just gave him.

[Ian Edwards]

I couldn't even remember his name to tell you who the guy was.

[Adam Carolla]

He wrote on a half season of Blackish.

[Ian Edwards]

Everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, Ian or Ian will be missed.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it Edward? Ian.

[Ian Edwards]

This is my biggest thing since I quit the Attic.

[Adam Carolla]

So you've said. Look, basically, you get. I mean, it's easy, I guess. When I was growing up, I got dealt the hand, and it was just a bunch of twos and fours and threes in no order and no anything. And I was so fucking miserable. You were in the hand and did comedy. But if I would have gotten, like, a pair of sevens and a pair of nines, I probably would have just sat on him. And that's kind of what you're saying. Like, that sitcom riding gig is a good enough hand to sit on for a lot of guys, but you're saying you want to hit the road.

[Ian Edwards]

I'm crazier than that. Yeah, Yeah, I want to. I want to. I want to gamble.

[Gina Grad]

You want a king high flush, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, also, those jobs are probably always going to be around for you if you need that job.

[Ian Edwards]

That too. Yeah, that too. I mean, I was just thinking about you. Like, how did you start? When I was outside, I was like, how did you start the podcast? Cause I can see you starting a podcast, but not having all of this. What makes you say, I'm get a place, I'm going to get a building and put all this into it. And it is what it is now. Like, I was outside recognizing your gamble, you know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

I like when it comes back to

[Ian Edwards]

me, you know what I'm saying? So I was like, you know, fuck it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my dad was the podcast king of South Philly, so I.

[Gina Grad]

That's another step up.

[Ian Edwards]

We podcast from his bedroom to downstairs to your.

[Adam Carolla]

And his father, Giuseppe from the old country.

[Gina Grad]

Long line of podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

And his father before him. Yeah, no, I'm. I agree. Just sort of bet on yourself and don't even bet. Like, when people go, well, how did you know? You go, you don't know. You just go do it. And they go, well, then why would you do it? If you don't know, hello, there's this thing called life. You don't know. It affects children, marriage, career, driving on occasion. You don't know. It's life. Go fucking live it.

[Ian Edwards]

Right? And then, like the factory job thing, like, everybody that works in a factory or just gets us, say, a regular job. Like, if you work at a regular job 15 years and you're used to a certain salary, once you get fired 15 years into adulthood, you're never going to get a job to replace that job, right? Like the work we do. We're survivors. We can always figure out a way how to make money the way we make money

[Adam Carolla]

after the apocalypse. They're always gonna need fat girlfriend jokes. You know what I mean?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Clean water, Lyle.

[Brian Bishop]

Source of power and women be shopping.

[Adam Carolla]

Source of power and women be shopping jokes.

[Ian Edwards]

You're gonna want some laughter around the hot water at night. No, I'm always the boiling cauldron of hot water at the everybody's gonna be drinking out of.

[Adam Carolla]

I've always felt that way when everyone goes, I worked at this factory for 23 years. They shut it down and now I'm only qualified to work at McDonald's. And it's like, why did you put yourself in a position where as a 41 year old male, your only skill set other than stamping out Buick hoods for some sort of inflated price? And by the way, here's how I know it's inflated. They moved to Mexico. That's how we know you're getting paid too much. It's working at McDonald's. I did that in high school. Like, this one's on you.

[Ian Edwards]

And how can you get a job at McDonald's when there's teenagers there that's younger and they're gonna give those jobs to them? It's like you're the 41 year old pervert working at McDonald's.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, as far as I can tell, McDonald's has the super old and depressing and then the super young.

[Gina Grad]

Nothing in the middle.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd love to just see the 43 year old guy who worked at McDonald's.

[Ian Edwards]

Just got the job there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just punched in. Well, you worked at Burger King, right?

[Ian Edwards]

I worked at Burger King, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm imagining it's basically the same place, right?

[Ian Edwards]

Pretty much. I haven't been in one in a minute, but I'd be disappointed if it changed. There was a super old guy. There was old people that worked the morning shift and there was teenagers. And then there was one old guy who just got out of jail and that was his job.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the crew.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had that. But I think in every shitty job that you have when you're young, you have that one little moment where you show up and there's the guy who's three years older than you. He's making. I was making $2.65 an hour, something like that. But this Guy was making $4.90 an hour. He'd been there for three years. He worked his way up to junior whatever. He could do the Thing with the burgers where he could take five frozen patties in each hand and stack them simultaneously when he was making Big Macs.

[Gina Grad]

When you get to that point, the muscle memory, you know you've made it.

[Adam Carolla]

And he just bought a fairly used, but looks pretty good TR7 gently used with the money he'd saved for. And there's party man. It's like one, one day I'm gonna be like Rick. Oh, one day they're gonna talk about me. Like that guy just talked about Rick over there. My manager Ken was Talking about Rick three years in, got the TR7, it's only six years old, you know, blah, blah, blah. And there's that one moment and then somewhere around lunch that day, you go, this shit, I gotta get out here as fast as I can.

[Ian Edwards]

Rick the five Patty stacking legend.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's a legend. He was, yeah. Time to lean, time to clean. That's what I Learned over at McDonald's.

[Ian Edwards]

I think you got it at an early age though. I think you had instincts.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean survival, comedic? What kind of instincts?

[Ian Edwards]

Everything. Like just as long as I've known of you, it's like this guy can talk and he's smart enough to like do something with it. Like you like the thing you just did on traffic, you just kept going. And you do that on a regular basis.

[Gina Grad]

It just keeps going a lot.

[Ian Edwards]

You know what I'm saying?

[Gina Grad]

It just keeps going.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but there was no commodity for it. It was not a commodity when I was younger.

[Ian Edwards]

That makes it even more impressive. There's no commodity. And you said you found something to do with that commodity. There's something in you that tells you there's something in all of us. Even the person that's like stamping the hood of the car. But people aren't reacting to it. They're not like listening to themselves. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I've said many, many, many times in all the discussions we have in our society about losing weight, being a better father, being a better lover, all the things. How much conversation do we have about diet, health, all these fitness, the millions of conversations we have. Many. Religious, spiritual, whatever. Nobody talks about figuring themselves out and then completely trusting themselves and their instincts so that when it's time to make a decision. I started Ornod in 2013 and we make bike apparel. The best part of Shopify for me is our ability to run the business as essentially non technical people. We're able to admin everything on the back end, front end, and sell things online easily. If Shopify were a bike accessory, I

[Gary Heftard]

think it would actually be the bicycle.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify. Start your free trial on shopify.com decision. You just go, I did this. And I go, why would you walk away? You go, because that's what I wanted to do. And they go, but you left all that money on the table, or you didn't do a season, whatever. Or you could have been so. Or you could have kept your house in Encino. And you go, or Tarzana, whoever it was. But you go, yeah, but I felt like I did not want to do that. And I trust myself so completely because I'm so tuned into myself that we don't even need to discuss why. I said, fill in the blank. Or I choose this or I choose not to do that. It's such a weird thing that nobody ever works on that part of life. And I hear people in their mid-40s, like, would say to me, I don't know what to do. I mean, I got this job. It's secure and all that kind of stuff, but I'm thinking about, but should I move to Phoenix and take the whatever. And I'm like, why don't you know? And by the way, why would I know? You're in. You.

[Ian Edwards]

They're asking you because you figured it. They know you figured it out. And it's like, but here's the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if I'm right or wrong. It doesn't matter.

[Ian Edwards]

I don't know, man. Just don't feel wrong. This don't feel wrong. Like, when I was at Burger King, this is how I started comedy. I'm on the drive through, cracking jokes. A guy drives. I take a guy's order. I make him laugh. He pulls up and he said, did you take my order? I said, yeah. He said, you're funny, man. You should be a comic. It was over.

[Adam Carolla]

That was it.

[Ian Edwards]

I left that $4.50 behind. Well, I still stay there, but I started doing comedy.

[Brian Bishop]

He didn't want to be just the funniest guy at the fryer. He wanted to go out and do something with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that was nice. I wish they'd let me work the window when I was in. All I did was work the grill and do sweeps and mops of the dining area. Yeah, that was an awesome job. Sweep the entire dining area.

[Gina Grad]

You have the privilege.

[Adam Carolla]

Mop, sweep, and then the mop. All right.

[Gina Grad]

I was gonna say, speaking of betting on yourself, And I was looking up A date to make sure I had it right. That was the time. Speaking of Adam betting on himself and being confident or believing, I guess all those things, that's when I knew that this podcast was gonna be really successful. When I got the call from you after your second sitcom had not. Your pilot had not gotten picked up.

[Ian Edwards]

Just throw the failures in his face. Second or third or fourth.

[Gina Grad]

But it led to a massive success because you called me and you said the sitcom thing didn't work out. I'm tired of it. I'm done with this. I'm done with the pilots. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to concentrate on the podcast, come back and do the sidekick thing and Teresa and all that. I want to make this into a daily show. I want to do it as the show. I'm gonna concentrate on that. I really believe in it. And as soon as I hung up, I'm like, this is gonna be a massive success. Because Adam's like, you believed in it and you had the momentum and the personal whatever belief or whatever it was. And it was shortly after that with the Guinness Records, it was already successful to a point, but that I knew it was gonna be a job. People are gonna reply to it or respond to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, thanks. I just want everyone to know. I don't spend 10 seconds ever thinking about what if, what if, what if? It's just what feels right, what you're compelled to do, and then you do it. And all the shit that I fucked up I don't know about. What about all the women you went on a date with and never married? I don't know. Was Mrs. Right back in college somewhere? You know, what about every time? There's so many things in life where it's like, you go out, you're looking for a house. Oh, you find one you really like. You want to buy that house. Oh, another couple got there first. Turns out you don't get the house. Burn it down. That's what I'm. That's the message. That's a positive message. I'm trying to say. I'm saying, what do you do next eight years? Just think about what it'd be like to sleep in that bedroom. No, it's just on the next. Whatever sitcom. I did a four camera sitcom, a single camera sitcom, and a fucking animated sitcom, and they all fucking. They all didn't get picked up. And I would be in season seven of all those shows making a kajillion dollars in syndication, except for I haven't made a penny. Don't care.

[Ian Edwards]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Move forward.

[Ian Edwards]

But now you get to say what you want. Nobody can be like, he said this. You know, you said the thing about female comics.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

It doesn't affect you. You just keep rolling. You can say whatever the fuck you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I can say whatever the fuck I want. People are gonna take shit. And the question was asked was, who's funnier, men or women?

[Gina Grad]

And you replied, female comics are not funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I had to give an answer. It's the same answer I give when people say, who makes better parents? A man and a woman. Two men or two women. If you're going to be genuine and you're going to be honest and you're going to answer the question, here's the answer. You have three answers. Either women are funnier than men, men are funnier than women, or it's the statistical dead heat. Exactly the same, and there's zero difference. Well, when someone's interviewing me and they're asking me a question, I'm gonna give them the answer. And that's the answer I believe. And I think nature bears me out because men have to. First thing every playmate says is, she wants a guy with a sense of humor. And we're doing it to get laid.

[Ian Edwards]

Right.

[Gina Grad]

It's biological.

[Adam Carolla]

It's biological, but it's fine. And then went on to say, many funny women out there.

[Gina Grad]

Of course, it's absurd to pervert the message into women cannot be, or there are no funny, or whatever.

[Ian Edwards]

So then you went on to say, there's many funny women out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I named Sarah Silverman and Kathy Griffin and someone else. A whole bunch of guns. So what was the attack about the tack? About the tack. Got the tack is I said I was dealing with a guy who I knew at the time who was staffing a sitcom. And they basically said, like, look, don't even think about not. You know, you got eight dudes or 10 dudes, you better hire two women. And I don't care if they're not funny. Doesn't matter, go find them and go hire them. And there was like a quota. And my thing was like, whatever you are, I just want the funniest people to get the gig. And this guy was having to bypass some people he thought were funnier in order to basically fill this quota and this mandate from the whatever that he had to. And I said, and I still basically stand by it. If my son is six and a half in the comedy department and my daughter is a six and a half, I would encourage my daughter to Go get a staff writing job on a sitcom. It's gonna be a lot easier for her to get a gig. That's just the way. That's the way it goes. If my son was black, I'd encourage him to get a job for the LA Fire Department. They will hire him faster than they would hire the white version of him. I'm looking for success. I don't. As a white dude. If you're six and a half and a white dude, you might not get on the next sitcom, but they are looking.

[Ian Edwards]

I've seen him for.

[Adam Carolla]

I've worked with rooms of those guys too. But I mean. I mean, they're physically. If you are a Latino chick and you want to be. You want to write comedy for sitcom, you will be sought after in this environment because they're looking for that constant balance and they're not. I don't know why. It's like, can we just have the funniest people writing the thing? If they're all Latino women, then so be it. But that's what they're looking for.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, and just. But technically, it's not really a balance if there's eight dudes and two women. I understand the pool is smaller.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they don't even. They don't give a shit about that. They just. They gotta walk into the room. They can't. It can't be a total fucking sausage fest. They need to see one bun.

[Gina Grad]

They're trying to get two, whereas there would normally be none.

[Ian Edwards]

Plus, we need somebody to sexually harass. So, yeah, you know, just have all kids in there.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's. That's. But it, of course, it turned into, you know, Adam hates women. And then my favorite offshoot of the whole thing is I always love the tweet or the article or the whatever, which is, I feel sorry for Adam's wife's daughter. My daughter. My daughter's life is somewhere between eight and 30 times better than mine.

[Gina Grad]

Gilded cage, bro. Gilded cage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All I do is fucking work and provide their lifestyle. And then all my fucking daughter does is fuck with me when I get home. Her life is fucking so much better than mine. So is my wife. I feel sorry, but I'm too tired to critique them or to. Or to bash or beat them when I get home. All I can do is pour beer.

[Ian Edwards]

Such a shot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

Such a shame you don't have the energy, man.

[Gina Grad]

I know.

[Ian Edwards]

They are getting away with murder.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, the lives these guys have. All right. But yeah, I got a podcast, Honest Answer, man.

[Ian Edwards]

That's that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, I'm not. I'm just calling it like it is. If, if, if. If my daughter was. And my daughter is pretty funny, but she will. If she was not as funny. And boy, if I could get some good ethnicity in her. Like Hispanic is a really good thing.

[Ian Edwards]

Like to have sex with her?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Ian Edwards]

To make her look that way.

[Adam Carolla]

No, to get the gig. To get the gig. The writing gig.

[Ian Edwards]

Right, but you said if you can get some ethnicity in her.

[Brian Bishop]

Famous joke.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't mean in her.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah, but like looking. Let me make it look that way.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying.

[Ian Edwards]

Cause it's too late.

[Adam Carolla]

If she could go to cbs. I know. If I had a magic Mexican wand. I think they call him Churro, but either way, Mexican wand.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

So you want her box? Her body look like a box of detergent with arms sticking out.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, what I'm saying is if she could go in to cbs, ABC or NBC and check the box that said she was Latina and female, she'd have a better chance of getting hired on to a sitcom than the Caucasian male box.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, all she do is put a little squiggly over the double Ls and she'll be alive.

[Gina Grad]

Parollah.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. All right, so where were we? Let's do some news, shall we? Hang in Crackwise. Give me the News with Grad. News with Gina Grad. Show Bids Congress Tech News Sports News, World News. Give me News with Gina Grad. Weird Shit out of Florida Sex Surveys Obama Need. News With Gina Gina Grad. The News with Gina Grad.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know if you guys heard, but singer, songwriter Joni Mitchell was in, well, and still is, I believe, in intensive care. After being found unconscious at her LA home recently, the 71 year old was rushed to the hospital on Tuesday afternoon. It's not immediately clear what the illness is, but she did tell Billboard magazine in December. This is crazy. She has a rare skin condition called Morgellon's disease, which prevents her from performing. This is a very controversial disease because a lot of people think it's psychological, basically. Sufferers say it's characterized by crawling and stinging sensations under the skin. But yeah, many don't believe it's a real disorder, but that basically she always feels like ants and bugs and shit are like right under her skin.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Well, maybe soon they will be.

[Ian Edwards]

Oh, shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she sing Dawson? Did they? Is she the paved paradise and put up a parking lot? Yeah, I like that song.

[Brian Bishop]

Carrie for free.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we got a lot of new diseases now that can't be proved because everyone's going off into some different direction with their fucking service dogs. So we'll never know. But wish her success, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And that's the thing. I mean, I don't know from personal experience, but I've heard if you're, you know, doing a lot of crack and meth, you start to, you know, itching, scratching

[Adam Carolla]

pretty hard.

[Ian Edwards]

It's a meth head. Wow. That's what you're saying.

[Brian Bishop]

But I've been told that it does feel like there's something crawling underneath your skin, which is why there's so many lesions and scratches, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I think.

[Gina Grad]

This is a stirring eulogy

[Brian Bishop]

out of context.

[Adam Carolla]

She might be okay, right? Or is she not gonna be okay? Coma?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, yeah, they found her unconscious, so it wasn't a good start.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what's going on. Out of problems. Sorry, Ian. White folk, out of problems. You notice black guys don't have these skin crawling diseases.

[Ian Edwards]

Our problem is a pretty present.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You have nice big tangible problems you can wrap your mind around, right? We whitey, we're out of problems. So we have a bunch of Purell and carpal tunnel kind of stuff. And maybe that's something, but I mean like this Epstein Barr virus and stuff. You ever had a brother get Epstein Barr virus? I never work with a Mexican on a construction site.

[Ian Edwards]

I don't even know what that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Need a gluten free something or this and that.

[Gina Grad]

It's like chronic fatigue, basically.

[Ian Edwards]

Chronic fatigue, that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

You're black, you don't know what that is. These are whitey, just white people diseases. We have a lot of folk. We have. I don't even know. I don't even feel like black folk have the luxury to be neurotic, you know what I mean? Like be like agoraphobic or something like that. I don't like open spaces or things like that.

[Ian Edwards]

Not while you're getting shot at.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. You need open space, you gotta run serpentine. Yeah, that's right. You need a lot of room for that. Yeah. And nobody. These are all first world, first class whitey. Whitey problems. I've said a million times. I used to work with nothing but Mexican dudes on a construction site. I'd go on the lunch run and there were no requests. Nobody was allergic to anything. Nobody had any kind of special anything. It was simply, you go buy us whatever and we'll eat it.

[Gina Grad]

Bring food.

[Ian Edwards]

Yep, that's Funny, they're not holding the

[Gina Grad]

mayo or holding anything.

[Gary Heftard]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where are we?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I don't know if you've seen this video, but it's definitely been going on the last few days. An angry New York police detective was caught on camera belittling an Uber driver this week after the detective tried to park the unmarked car without using his blinker, and the Uber driver went around him and made a hand gesture suggesting he used the blinker. Well, the detective, Patrick Cherry, pulled him over, went to the dude's window, started screaming at him, mocking his accent, slamming his door as this horrified, terrified driver took it. And the guys in the back recorded it. And the passenger then uploaded it to Facebook. The driver filed a complaint with the nypd. And now the update is that Cherry has been stripped of his gun and his badge by the department. Here's. I think we have one or two clips of him just going off on this driver.

[Adam Carolla]

You understand me, Sir? I am not saying you understand me. Yes, I understand, okay? So stop it with your mouth. Stop it with your. For what, sir? For what, sir? Stop it with that bullshit and realize the three vehicle and traffic law violations you committed. Okay, okay. Do you understand me? Yes, sir. I don't know what fucking planet you think you're on right now. I'm not planning, sir. I'm here planning. I said planet. I say I'm not. Yeah, I'm not any planet. Guy has really nice shoes sitting right here. Fred McMurray filmed this thing.

[Brian Bishop]

He can afford an Uber. And then, I mean, this thing goes on for three and a half years.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. So the cop off duty.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Was.

[Gina Grad]

That's not a cop Cop.

[Ian Edwards]

No, he's undercover or something.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, he has a plane car with a little siren light on the dashboard, but he didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

He's not really presenting as a cop. So he's gonna parallel park.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So he stopped in the street.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

But he doesn't do that move where you put your blinker on so people know what you. Your move is. So it just seems like you're stopped in the street and the Uber guy goes around him, and as he goes around him, he gives the. Hey, next time, non cop. In my mind, next time do the blinker thing so we know what you're up to, cuz this time just seems like you're stopped. Cops are pricks. I've said it a million times. They're not that far from criminals in terms of. Of who's attracted to whatever. Look, who can Bust someone over the head. Not me, not you. A cop and a criminal. Like, who can punch somebody who doesn't really deserve to be punched?

[Gina Grad]

The ultimate authority is a gun, a loaded gun in your hand. And who are the most people that are loaded guns?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're. They were the same dudes who played on the high school football team and couldn't get to the next level and blah, blah, blah. And they have the same street kind of mentality. And the problem with cops is they don't. We've gone away long. Long gone are the days where they work for us. So don't suggest that you.

[Gina Grad]

Whether they're in uniform, see how that goes.

[Adam Carolla]

Whether they're in uniform or not, they just bring that. That fucking shit. And they think they can just take it wherever they want. There's a reason why they're attracted to this for a living. They have a fucking little piece of metal that they keep in their wallet that they get to show to everyone and scare the fuck out of everyone and then do whatever they want. And they have a bigger piece of metal on their hip that really scares the fuck out of people. And they don't. That's about it with them.

[Ian Edwards]

It's a power thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. That's who they are.

[Ian Edwards]

Insecurity.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ian Edwards]

And then, you know, you know, I heard this video yesterday. Saw it, but then I already saw a video yesterday of a black dude who got shot by cops. And he's laying there and he's like, why'd you shoot me? And so I see this. I'm like, this is bullshit. Why is this on the news? Go to WorldStarHipHop, you'll see worst cop videos.

[Adam Carolla]

But let me say this, my brother. I am trying to explain to all the black people on the planet, and I talk to at least five of them, at least per day, with Ian now six.

[Gina Grad]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

People and cops especially are assholes and racist. Second, like this guy.

[Ian Edwards]

I'm not a thousand percent against this. Keep going.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy would have if you were driving the Uber. Not that you're qualified anyway to drive an Uber, but if you're driving a Fuber cab for us, by us, go ahead and take that, man.

[Ian Edwards]

Fuber.

[Adam Carolla]

You only pick up laugh after the hundredth cab has passed you by. How about Fuber? Come in there.

[Gina Grad]

It's all Fuber xl.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a lowered Lincoln, All right?

[Gina Grad]

Would you like a black car or a black car?

[Ian Edwards]

Cross Cola's cab coming down the street, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You come in there with your Playboy, air fresher Swinging from your rear view mirror and your mink headliner. And you come in there driving the bishop Don Magic wands, Rolls Royce. And you come in there, now if this cop, if that was you behind the wheel and this video hit the Internet, this would be an insane prejudiced injustice, racial, blah, blah, blah. And what I'm trying because a white cop, and yes, he's yelling at an Indian guy, but I don't think everyone's working the super racial thing because Indians are like, oh, who cares, they're not on our endangered species list or whatever. They're not getting shot in Ferguson. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, there are doctors, you know what I mean? They're pharmacists. No one worries about them. Engineers, so they're not on the list, so we don't have to worry.

[Gina Grad]

But there's a billion more of that one.

[Adam Carolla]

If this was Ian, everyone would be going nuts saying, you see, cops are racist. And what I'm saying is, yeah, they're assholes. They are, but they're first. They're assholes. They're first assholes. And that's this guy, that's their religion. This guy would have come around the car and I don't care if someone who looked like Christie Brinkley was sitting there, would have dug into them the exact same way. Cuz they're dickheads.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, and the, I mean, he goes on and on and on and on. He finally starts to wear himself out a little bit toward the end and then if you want to see, goes on to tell the guy about how worthless he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Where you're coming from, where you think you're appropriate doing that. That doesn't. It's not the way it works. How long have you been in this country?

[Gina Grad]

Almost.

[Caller/Listener]

How long?

[Adam Carolla]

Two years. I got news for you. And use this lesson, remember this in the future, don't ever do that again. The only reason you're not in handcuffs, going to jail and getting psalmist in the precinct is because I have things to do. That's the only reason.

[Ian Edwards]

That's some asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

This isn't important enough for me. You're not important enough. The 20 minutes I spend standing outside with fucking Prius is fine.

[Ian Edwards]

All right, then it got racist.

[Adam Carolla]

But shouldn't there be a racial outcry here? He's saying, like, how long you been in this country?

[Brian Bishop]

And in between, he's making fun of the way he talks and saying, what did you think I said? I didn't say that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so let's all get outraged, right Indian community, rise up.

[Gina Grad]

The people are on board with you though. This guy's asshole first, racist second or

[Brian Bishop]

third with the chickless forehead.

[Adam Carolla]

No, what I'm saying is the guy's Indian. So he's like, he's not on the list, right?

[Ian Edwards]

I think if it was a black dude, he would have been asshole first and then definitely would have got further racist.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying everybody, listen. Everybody who's of Indian descent or if that's what this guy is, hit the streets, get the candles, start marching and everyone at Huffington Post start writing op ed pieces about how racist this country is to Indians.

[Gina Grad]

Right? Starbucks barista. Start writing race messages on the cops.

[Adam Carolla]

Be fucking consistent. Be consistent. This guy. This is a racial tirade, basically. I mean, how long you been here? I don't understand your language, you know, speak English or whatever it is. Let's all be outraged now. Go ahead. Except for you're not going to see much of it.

[Gina Grad]

Probably not.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right, so why not?

[Ian Edwards]

There's no Indian Martin Luther King.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Ian Edwards]

He's gone a long time ago.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what. This guy, this guy wishes. This guy wishes he had Lifelock. No, he wishes he didn't have Lifelock ultimate plus because he wishes his identity would have been stolen and this guy would have yelled at somebody else.

[Gina Grad]

That was not me.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody can stop all identity theft. Everything is stored on the cloud. All it takes is one hack. But I'll tell you, Lifelock, they can help. They can get pretty damn close. You got a story, Gina?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. A former Alabama police officer, speaking of which, is accused of stealing the identities of multiple people while serving in the army and then using that info to open credit cards in their name.

[Adam Carolla]

What I say a holes not racist. Well, nobody can monitor all the transactions at every business. LifeLock Ultimate plus is comprehensive protection. Help protect your identity, bank and retirement accounts, credit cards, even home equity. It's LifeLock. LifeLock Ultimate. Dawson. Visit LifeLock.com now and enter promo code Adam to save 10% on your LifeLock Ultimate plus membership. That's promo code [e-mail] to get a special 10% discount on LifeLock.com. alrighty. Let's do one more, shall we?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, remember the other day we talked about the price, the going rate of the seats at the Pacquiao fight, the Mayweather pack. Okay, so we got the news that six row each seat was about $87,000, right. And that the cheapest seat in the Entire place was over $7,000. Well, they're kind of mirroring that for the pay per view audience as well. The official price set for pay per view for the fight, 89.95. It's the highest ever. It's up to the provider whether they want to do. They can actually bleed fans for another 10 bucks to get high def. And that $89.95 is 40% more than the previous pay per view high watermark, which was $64.95.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a rapper named High Definition?

[Ian Edwards]

There will be tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be a good, strong rap name. Hang with High, definitely. You make sure your skin's good when you hang with High. Definite.

[Ian Edwards]

See everything.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Pretty pricey.

[Adam Carolla]

Makes sense. I mean, look, they got to pay everyone 50 million bucks. I don't know. Everyone's getting. I mean, I think there's a 60, 40 split. I think there. I think Pacquiao said, not for the winner, just for the fighters. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Do you need more where the winner gets paid more? Does that work still?

[Brian Bishop]

I'd like to think so. They got something to shoot for?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. They have. What they have is. Well, at a certain level, I mean, maybe if these are backyard smoker things and whatever, county fairs or something, they might give the. But they'll have. They might have like, in the ufc, they'll have like, Knockout of the Night or Fight of the Night, you know, some incentive so people don't just sort of dance for three rounds or five rounds. They're sharing 250 million bucks. It's a 60, 40 split. So buck 25 is a buck 25. So he's going to get a buck 55, and he's going to get a buck 20 or whatever. 25 or whatever it is. But buck 50 versus a buck for Mayweather. Mayweather, buck 50. Nice.

[Gina Grad]

Solid.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Ian Edwards]

To me, this is like the last big boxing fight ever. Yeah, Like, I don't think there'll ever be like, you know. You know, there was Muhammad Ali and Frazier, and it goes on and on and on.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Ian Edwards]

And then Tyson came up. But after this, there might be no one else. There's no. There'll never be something this big. Now it's UFC forever after this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this will be it. There's a rapper named High Def.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, looks perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he the Indian guy the cop yelled at?

[Gina Grad]

Here's my voice.

[Adam Carolla]

What year? I want to hear if hi Def's as good as I feel.

[Gina Grad]

Nice use of piccolo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but it's so been there and done that in the rap community with the piccolo, it's kind of cliche.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah, I'm piccolo'd out.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on. Ian, is he good?

[Ian Edwards]

There's a reason you never really heard of him. We had to look him up. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

How many views does this have? Not many.

[Ian Edwards]

791 views now. 792.

[Gina Grad]

That's right.

[Ian Edwards]

11 thumbs up, one down.

[Brian Bishop]

I can't wait till after the show airs and then, see, people are gonna be searching this out.

[Ian Edwards]

People didn't even care enough to hate it.

[Gina Grad]

Get ready. High def. Get ready.

[Ian Edwards]

People didn't even care enough to, like, click the thing that said thumbs down. They was like, fuck it.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you Ian? Do you get as mad as I do when you look at the porn and there's like, 781 thumbs up and then 56 thumbs down, and you're like, that's hilarious. Chick took it and fucking Cooley and you're giving thumbs down.

[Ian Edwards]

That's how. That's how much society's taking, like, anal for granted.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're really taking anal for granted.

[Ian Edwards]

It's not as. It's not any easier than it was the first time you saw it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

So if a chick is doing it and it's the thousandth time you've seen it, you know, well, sub her the effort. You know, she's doing something. Give it a thumbs up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, first off, the person who's in that video has feelings not in their lower extremities. They have a heart and a mind. They have a family, and they got to see those thumbs down under your daughter's anal video. The only thing worse as a father than seeing your daughter starring in the double penetration anal video is seeing the 56 thumbs down.

[Brian Bishop]

Somebody didn't particularly care for us.

[Adam Carolla]

That's your little girl.

[Gina Grad]

You know, talk about insult to injury,

[Adam Carolla]

taking that load in the face. That's your little girl.

[Ian Edwards]

It's like some, like, Olympic porn judge is going, now her form is off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards]

So thumbs down on that. We're taking some points away.

[Adam Carolla]

I really. You know, my next Spike show is I get with that porn actress and we go hunt these guys down first and big argument in the living room. Did you or did you not beat off? Did you beat off to me? Did. Answer the question. Answer the question. Did come. Come out of your dick. Okay? And when you were done coming, then you gave the thumbs down. So when you were done with your hand, you took a little icon of a hand and pointed it Down. This is my livelihood, you understand?

[Gina Grad]

How you gonna lure him to the sting house?

[Brian Bishop]

Catch a commenter?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? You may never beat off to me again. And you know what I'm gonna do? Do you have a beloved relative that has passed recently?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, my nana, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's her name?

[Gina Grad]

Gertrude.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm beating off to her. When I get home, I'm beating off to Gertrude. Is that her on the mantel? I need that picture. No, I'm taking it with you. And when I'm done jerking off to her urn, maybe in her urn, I will give her a big thumbs down. When I go to her Facebook page,

[Ian Edwards]

I'm gonna squirt in her earn.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm squirting. And Earn. I'm gonna put my initials in her earn. That's right. Seems fair.

[Gina Grad]

Kind of morbid.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's bring it home.

[Brian Bishop]

You got it. I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news.

[Ian Edwards]

This guy can talk. Gina.

[Gina Grad]

Gina.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Gina Grad, I think. Did you beat off to me? Would have to be the first.

[Gina Grad]

That's the end. All be all of the thumbs up, thumbs down.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know those motherfuckers did they didn't. They didn't stop what they were doing and give a thumbs down and then move on to another site or browse somewhere else.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, and it's like you say about a lot of movies, it delivered exactly what you expected. So what were you expecting?

[Adam Carolla]

What flew from your cock? What? What else do I need to provide for you for free asshole at your computer? Yeah, fuck you guys.

[Gina Grad]

You did your job.

[Adam Carolla]

You fucking haters out there. There's gotta be at least one family member that's upset by all the thumbs down.

[Gina Grad]

Probably the husband, boyfriend, manager.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Mackwell. Mackwell.com upgrade. That's what we're talking about. Let's upgrade the underpants for 2015. Comfortable, durable, modern fabrics. I love this. They take their 18 hour jersey fabric and they unroll it and they let it acclimate, they let it breathe. They let it get used to its environment. And then they cut it to the pattern and then they sew it, and then they shape it so it doesn't change. It doesn't expand or contract. They got the no roll waistband. They got the cool zones. They got the undershirts that stay tucked in. Do you guys do this thing now? I can't wear. I gotta wear the Mack Weldon undershirts now because I can't wear the regular one anymore because it's like Just wearing a shirt under your shirt.

[Gina Grad]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Versus pulling it down.

[Gina Grad]

Right. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Having it ride.

[Gina Grad]

I get all wrinkled underneath and fold it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fucking Gary. I forgot one at a wedding I had to go to recently. It bugged me the whole night. Yeah, like I had to wear like a traditional T shirt. It felt like I was wearing two

[Gina Grad]

layers and they were bunching up and

[Adam Carolla]

fucking with each other. It's the same with like boxer shorts. It's like wearing shorts under shorts. No, wear something that's but a little form fitting. Mackwelden.com they got a deal. Enter Adam. Get five bucks off plus free shipping and expedited shipping on orders. Over 50 bucks. That's mackwelten.com promo code. Adam, try them out. Simply the best. All right. Newman documentary. Lots of big celebrities showing up to this thing. Thursday, April 16 El Capitan Theatre Maybe one of the newer guys on the Fast Furious 7. One of the newer actors. I've been asked not to drop a lot of names because their people don't want people showing up to see that just to bother them. But keep an eye out. Pretty cool names. Tickets available downcroll.com and all the money's going to charity. I'll be there. The cars will be there, the Kimmels will be there and all that good stuff. Mangria tastings everywhere. Just go to corolladrinks.com for the details. And let's see, let's see. Take a knee. Ah, John Ridley. Yeah. 12 Years a Slave, just won himself an academy award. Very interesting conversation with a very interesting dude. That's Take a knee. That's coming up AdamCroll.com archive Ian Edwards.

[Ian Edwards]

What up, player?

[Adam Carolla]

Comedy album 100% half assed available [e-mail] Got it.

[Ian Edwards]

Boom.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck. Boom.

[Ian Edwards]

Fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Fire. Available on itunes. By the way. You can find the podcast soccer comic rant. And why don't you just go to ianedwards comedian.com if you want to find out where he's going to be. A lot of live dates and fuck, fuck. Sitting around in a writer's room and punching up a bunch of C list shit. Get out there with that one chick. How about you get out there and do your shit, man?

[Ian Edwards]

No doubt, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Help him realize his dream. So until next time, Sam Crawford. Ian Edwards, Gina, Grandma Brian saying mahalo. There's never been a better time to be a bastard. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man. O'Reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with O'Reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks since time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online. So you never, never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. All right, this was adam Krillo show

[Gina Grad]

1545 with the hilarious Ian Edwards in studio.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy's genius. Come up next, we have Adam Carla

[Gina Grad]

Show 1589 featuring Greg Fitzsimmons, Gina Grad

[Adam Carolla]

and Brian Bishop from 2015. Hello and welcome to Pluto Phone.

[Caller/Listener]

If you know the name of the

[Adam Carolla]

movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long.

[Caller/Listener]

Catch. Anchorman.

[Adam Carolla]

The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy.

[Ian Edwards]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Gary Heftard]

Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more. For Showtime's press, nothing. They're free 24.

[Caller/Listener]

7.

[Brian Bishop]

That is so fast on Pluto TV.

[Adam Carolla]

Stream now.

[Caller/Listener]

Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you, Nan Bald Brian.

[Gary Heftard]

I love black people.

[Gina Grad]

I love Chinese people.

[Adam Carolla]

I have Mexicans. I love isis.

[Gina Grad]

I love everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't judge any. Get the fuck out of here.

[Gina Grad]

A little long, but the response to Michael Rapoport's rant was quite substantial.

[Brian Bishop]

What a character he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone loves that guy.

[Ian Edwards]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

We got to get him on a heavy rotation just like Fitz Dog over here. Greg Fitzsimmons. Live shows coming up. The Comedy Store out here in Los Angeles June 13 and then in Cleveland and Grand Rapids and all over the place. And he's got a one hour special light on stage available now on Netflix. Fitz Dog radio is where you go for the podcast. And if you want to find out where Fitz Dog is playing, just go to the website Fitz with a z fitzdog.com and you can find out where he's Playing Good to see you, my friend.

[Gary Heftard]

Thanks for having me in. I gotta get my stars up on all those projects.

[Adam Carolla]

I just did his podcast, Hot Golf Talk. I was bragging that, but even though I do a ton of crap, I'm churning out a ton of crap. Movies and books and things of that nature. They all get highly rated on Amazon. They're all like 4 and a half,

[Gary Heftard]

4.9 on the documentary about Paul Newman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, things like that.

[Brian Bishop]

Because a straight five looks suspicious.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm not mailing it in. I'm not buying the five just because I'm shitting it out. But I'm not mailing it in. That's what I'm saying.

[Gary Heftard]

I hope you didn't think I was insinuating that you were just putting out a lot of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I actually got sort of defensive on my own behalf the other day and I thought, I am cranking out a ton of shit, but I want to make sure that the shit is good. And I'm proud to say, and as I said to Fitz Dog on his podcast, that when you do a comedy book, it's difficult. And Brian, if you're gonna write a book about a brain tumor, you get graded. And sort of the difference between doing a documentary and doing a romantic comedy. Sure, we do a romantic comedy. Everyone just has their opinions. I wasn't funny. I didn't get it. I didn't like that guy. Whatever.

[Gina Grad]

It is really poor taste for someone to write a bad review. You know what I mean about the cancer memoir Guilty.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's what I'm saying. It was real shitty and shrinkage was good anyway. But when you write a comedy book, everyone's a fucking critic. You're setting that bar and it's hard to get above 4 stars if you're going for flat out comedy because half of it is you just piss off people when you go, hey, when I'm in charge, all life support systems at hospitals will be coin operated. We'll see who really loves you. My grandfather died in iron along. Fuck you.

[Gary Heftard]

And with comedy, everybody, there's no certification to become a comedian. You don't have to go to a class. There's no degree. And everybody thinks they are somewhat funny. So they can then judge you on how funny you have put yourself out to be in.

[Adam Carolla]

Daddy, stop talking. My latest home coming in, 4.6 stars. Coming in hot. Every fucking conversation I've had with a know nothing piece of fucking shit, male or female, who had zero sense of humor when they were offended started with this Phrase. I have a great sense of humor. I love to laugh, but what you said about my son, it's like, all right, you don't. By the way, here's how I know you don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Jaden or Kaden.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, here's how I know you don't have a great sense of humor. People who. Louis CK doesn't announce he has a great sense of humor to begin every conversation. He just has a great sense of humor.

[Gary Heftard]

It's like Hitler going, now look, I'm a Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I love Jews as much as the next guy, but maybe a little less. Yeah. It's the. Basically the equivalent of the. It's the employment version of starting. What do you do for a living right now?

[Gina Grad]

Currently.

[Gary Heftard]

Currently.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you asking what I'm doing now, or would I like to be doing in an alternate universe, in the future, in a galaxy far, far away from here? Because I would. What? What am I doing? I would like to be running a network.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm doing now is replacing those miniature boxes of Tide at the coin op. Yes, they still have those. Laundry business is up 14% actually, over the last quarter.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You think everyone has a stacked washer to know I gotta do replacements.

[Gary Heftard]

A lot of times poor people go up there with a jackknife and they'll cut the powder out of the box, collect it, bring it home to their washer.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I actually invented a little, we'll call the sneeze guard. But it's a way that they can't get up there with that Slim Jim and bust into the tie. They always go after the tie. It's always the high end stuff. They don't go after generic brand now. Oh, forget it. Anyway. Right now. Yes. Well, right now. Yeah. So starting with right now or. I have a great sense of humor. Yeah. Anyway, Fitz, dog up things that were

[Gina Grad]

talked about in other podcasts, but you guys were talking about Adam specifically mentioning. You don't understand. Greg mentioned being in a vehicle that doesn't go anywhere. Boats, for example. You can never buy a boat because it's just. It's. You're a Corolla. This coming from a guy who literally drives a million dollar cars. In a circle.

[Gary Heftard]

That's right.

[Gina Grad]

Destination. Let's. In a circle.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Gary Heftard]

Interesting.

[Gina Grad]

But the concept of a boat or golf club membership.

[Gary Heftard]

He just called bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I get it. I listen. The cars I buy and I have to work on them, first off, I have to. I have to dial them in. And there's an element.

[Gina Grad]

Every car Is a project.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I just did a shifter knob. I mean, there's something. I know this sounds like.

[Gina Grad]

Sorry I brought it.

[Ian Edwards]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

But look.

[Brian Bishop]

What have you done?

[Adam Carolla]

I have Paul Newman's camaro, and it's a race car. And I needed a new shift knob on it. So I took the whole thing off. And it's threaded in the top. And I'm trying to figure out how to get a new ball on top there to put my hand. And I found a.

[Gary Heftard]

Put your hand on the ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Threaded nut. On Saturday, Literally on Saturday, I had a long quarter inch screw going into it. And I took a cutoff blade and was using a right angle grinder and cut the head of it off and then put the new ball in and put the set screws and did the whole thing and put the. There's something. By the way. There's a little drops you put on. It's a loctite. So screws don't vibrate in race cars. Every. All the nuts and all the bolts and all the stuff has to be wired. Has to be safety wired so it doesn't vibrate loose and come off. And everything has to have loctite on it. It's stuff. So the thread. So stuff can't come undone. Sort of. It's just like. It lets screws not shimmy their way out under lots of vibration and stuff. Then I'm going to Fontana with this thing and I'm gonna shake it out. And then I'm going to Laguna seca with it. But, yeah, I'm into it. I'm going in a circle course.

[Gina Grad]

True.

[Adam Carolla]

But two things.

[Gina Grad]

Destinationless says this defense.

[Adam Carolla]

Two things. I will be sweating through my long johns. My fireproof long johns, which I make fireproof by sweating through them.

[Gina Grad]

Sure. Anyway, they're so soaked, they couldn't possibly burn.

[Adam Carolla]

I did a power move, by the way. I went. I interviewed Dan gurney. Dan Gurney's a really legendary race car driver. Dan Gurney is one of the only guys. There's three race cars drivers on the planet. One of them's Mario andretti. One of them's Dan Gurney. He won at le Mans in 1967. He invented spraying the champagne. He was the first guy to get up on the podium and douse everyone with a big bottle of champagne.

[Brian Bishop]

I never even knew there was a genesis of that.

[Adam Carolla]

It had to start somewhere.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I went to his shop. I just saw the bottle from 1967, the huge magnum of champagne, which was the first time anyone. And now it's a tradition. Everybody has to do it. He, that was his thing. He won Le Mans for Ford in 1967. He also won an F1 championship. He won a sports car championship. He, he, he raced in, in, in Indy and nascar. He raced an all in one and all. There's only like three guys who've won. It's a huge jump to go from formula one to nascar. That's like, that's sort of the difference between. He said sort of F1 was like those little water mosquitoes that just skate along the top of the water, go in all different directions as quick as they can go. And he said this versus parking a luxury liner, like backing it into a slip, like just huge, lumbering, heavy. That was NASCAR compared to F1.

[Gina Grad]

But most pro drivers pick one or the other and just. That's their career. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's really. The equipment is so insanely different.

[Gina Grad]

That's what I meant.

[Adam Carolla]

That, yeah, that you just can't go from hop from one to the next. Some guys can do it, but there's only three guys in the world. Gurney's one of them. He also, he did, he did. Lamar, back when they had running starts, they were like, you know what this thing where guys go 237 miles an hour down a street, a paved highway, what was a city street. The Mulsanne Straight, 3.7 miles, I think, with huge trees on each side of it and cars with old school bi supply tires and no safety, no protection, no anything. The seats were fucking buckets. They had no belt, shoulder belt. They had no. Oh, they wouldn't wear seatbelts. In F1 when he started, you want to be thrown out because fire was the biggest thing that would kill you back then. Everything would catch on fire. They had no fuel systems, they had no bladders in these things. But to begin the race, he would start on one side of the track, all the drivers standing in a row, 45 cars, 42, whatever it is. And all the cars would be backed in at a weird angle on the other side. And when the clock struck 4pm everyone would sprint across the track, jump into the car, start it, and take off as fast as they could take off. Which would a mean nobody put their harness on because you're trying to get the fuck out of there. And then everyone would be banging into each other. And it's like, when would you put the seatbelt on? Well, if you had some time in like the Mulsanne straight, when you're up at like 225, that's when you might start thinking about Taking a couple hands off the wheel and trying to get

[Gary Heftard]

the harness on, turn the radio on, adjust the rearview mirror.

[Brian Bishop]

What's the point of a running start? It sounds like they have a tricycle race and they have an egg on a spoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Like it seems so childish, it's insane. And the thing about nowadays when you get into a race car, it takes 15 minutes of getting. There's a six way harness, you have a net, but you have your helmet, you have your HANS device, you have a fire suppression system. Like it's a long time. It's you and your squire have to put you in the car and get you settled into the car and buckled in and you have to make sure the straps go over the harness, over the HANS device and everything's buckled in. Right. And blah, blah, blah. This was just you running and jumping into the car. Gary, find a good old days, you can find a picture of it. I mean these guys were going full duke's a hazard. And then the idea is fire up the car and take off as fast as possible.

[Brian Bishop]

Does it need a minute to warm up?

[Adam Carolla]

If the car's all a foot and a half apart and there's 40 of them and they're all going down the same straightaway, like what could go wrong?

[Gary Heftard]

I think they should throw everybody's car keys in a pile and you gotta find your keys then run double their stuff. Yeah, they got a triathlon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh wow.

[Adam Carolla]

This is all these guys we're just looking at old school picture, all just running for the cars and they're all just gonna dive into the cars and again, nobody's putting their belt, they're taking off. They'll get the belt sorted out.

[Gary Heftard]

At 140 miles, a small detail convertible with no roll bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And then it starts raining and then night falls.

[Brian Bishop]

Who was the guy who said, you know what? Not that I don't love a good sprint before I get in the car, but this is insane.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's my question is, did some horrible accident precipitate the change or was it just common sense?

[Adam Carolla]

After all, they couldn't really have horrible, horrible accidents right at the start because everyone was just banging into each other at low speeds. But at some point, some guys driving,

[Gina Grad]

like you said, somebody must have seatbelt,

[Adam Carolla]

must have went down the Mulsanne straight. I don't even know if they had. I think at some point, just like hockey, they just went, grab a helmet. Like what do we got here? Well, we have ice. Okay, what else we got? Well, we got the poles that go around the net. All right, what else we got? Well, we got this puck, curved sticks, and then we got a bunch of super angry Canadians and Russian guys with sticks and blades.

[Gary Heftard]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, maybe a helmet is necessary. Like, this probably be a good place for a helmet. Looking around, what are really our options here? We have the boards. That's the best of all options. A piece of plywood.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything else is gonna kill you.

[Gina Grad]

Softest thing is your teammate's elbow.

[Adam Carolla]

And that frozen puck is gonna be swatted through the air at breakneck speeds.

[Gary Heftard]

And the best part about it is when they put the rule into effect, which was, I don't know, probably in the late 70s, it was a code of honor that you only put the helmet on when you were new in the league. If you were grandfathered in, you were a pussy if you put the helmet on.

[Adam Carolla]

I have never.

[Brian Bishop]

And you had the toothless grin to show it.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never gotten that over that part of. Well, didn't we institute a rule? Be like me on an airplane smoking on a southwest flight. And they're going, sir. And I'm going, hey, man, I was smoking when it was. Was legal to smoke on an airplane. So were we cool?

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, no, we're not cool. We have a rule.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah. You're trying to go bareback on a one night stand. You're like, sorry, sweetheart,

[Adam Carolla]

this was my thing. So take it, take it. Yeah, I agree. Like, shouldn't they just went, we need helmets? And then everybody went. All the guys who had to wear the helmets went, you know what? Just to kind of show that. But we are. We're also have brain damage. Even though they're making us protect ourselves from brain damage, we're going to go ahead and wear the chin strap so it hangs down like I'm wearing a kid's bucket on my. Like a bucket you take to the beach. I'm going to have my chin strap hang down past my belly button so that if I do get punched or hit in the head with a puck and go down when my shoulder blades hit the ice, the helmet will be ejected before the back of my head hits the ice.

[Gary Heftard]

Like, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Why not just cinch it up like they do in all other sports that require a helmet?

[Gary Heftard]

It's more of a bonnet than a helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. And also the fucking thing hanging down could just get caught on someone's stick and like choke you out or something.

[Gina Grad]

More harm than good for sure.

[Gary Heftard]

Well, the other helmet that always I'm curious about is the bicycle helmet, which, unless you were to fall and flip 180 degrees and fall on top of your head, gives you no protection at all.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel the exact same way when I see the guy in the Harley and he's wearing the minimalist Prussian helmet. The only thing cool about the Prussian helmet is the point. You don't even have the point. You have this thing that has 7, 8 of your head exposed. And it's the same way I also feel about almost every cool guy on a motorcycle. I see flat black helmet, and I'm like, I know that means you're badass.

[Gina Grad]

Like, matte black helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Matte. Yeah, matte black. Flat matte black helmet. First off, nothing less visible than a guy with a flat black helmet at night behind you. His head literally just becomes part of the evening.

[Gary Heftard]

Especially if he's a black guy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. Absolutely. No, he's. And number two, when it's 104 degrees outside, nothing better to fry your fucking brain than a flat black helmet. You ever go out like a white T shirt versus a black T shirt on a hot day? You can feel it penetrating, absorbing, absorbing it. So fail in the visibility department and then also the fucking oppressive heat department on your head. But that's all right. You look like a douche. Fuck you. Arctic ease, baby. That's what you guys should be thinking about. And we want to hear. By the way, we got a review from Entourage, which I'm very curious about. Brian was at the.

[Gina Grad]

The Entourage thing's not for me. That's Gary and.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know Brian was at the game.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, Game one of the NBA finals.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy. I was thinking about you the entire. My son and I were watching. My son and I are watching the whole game, going nuts.

[Gina Grad]

It was overtime, so it was a great game.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm picturing you in the stands with your pops the whole time.

[Gina Grad]

I got some pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

Arctic ease. Runners, lifters, weekend warriors, injuries, fact of life. Yeah. Your head hits that ice, you gotta wrap it up with a little arctic ease. Ooh, it's nice ice therapy. You don't have to put it. It's instant cold wrap, so you don't have to put it in the freezer. I don't know how it's activated. Gary uses it. I use it here after I hold focus gloves for somebody. It's the best, right?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I reuse that thing 8, 10, 12 times, no problem. You wrap it like an ace bandage. It sort of clings to itself. They have different sizes, too. They got Big ones for if you

[Caller/Listener]

need to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Your whole elbow or something, it's great. And then you can go out and lift or run or jog, play tennis, whatever it is, no freezer needed. It is long lasting cold compression therapy. And where do you get it? I'll tell you where you get it.

[Caller/Listener]

It.

[Adam Carolla]

You get it at CVS or you go to arctice.com arctice.com so Brian is at the game. Gary has seen. Gary and Matt saw Entourage.

[Gina Grad]

Haven't seen anything about it. Haven't heard anything about it. Like, I don't know anyone else has seen it. Have you heard anything from friends or anything on Entourage? Yeah, on Entourage.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing that's vexing about Entourage is the commercials look really good. The trailers look. Look good, you know, Looks exactly what you'd expect. Yeah, but I mean, there's a way of fucking that up, and I don't think they did, you know, I mean, I see the little vignettes and stuff. I loved Entourage when it was on. I was sort of onto it a few years before anyone else was. And everyone kind of looked at it as like, kind of a guilty pleasure or something. But it's actually a good show. I thought it was a good show.

[Gina Grad]

Acceptable guilty pleasure.

[Adam Carolla]

And. Yeah, but Guilty Pleasure suggests that. That it's not really good, but you kind of like it anyway. And it was good.

[Gina Grad]

But that's always how I felt about Entourage. Like there were big holes. Like Turtle always had some ridiculous subplot, and then everyone did everything they were supposed to do. But I liked it. It was fun.

[Gary Heftard]

It's Sex and the City for guys.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is. And I watched Sex and the City too, and I liked it too. Like, you know, good jokes are good jokes. And again, I just. We're semantics here. But I. The guilty pleasure, to me, if a TV show, if you laugh, if you enjoy, it's, you know, the guilty pleasure of me is I'll watch a show like Wipeout with my kid and they're trying to jump through a Styrofoam. Whatever, turn it off. And Wipeout's awesome. John Hansen. There's nothing you can do. But look, I'm not gonna mistake that with good programming. This I like. And the performances were good, and so everyone seems to like it. But then I go to Rotten Tomatoes, coming in like 28% and now. But with the audience, it's like 81% well.

[Brian Bishop]

And I'm getting the feeling that you do have to have been a fan of the TV show. You can't just go in cold. Mark Thompson, who I work with, in the morning that he walked out after about a half hour and he'd never seen the TV show. He's like, it's not for me. I don't know what I'm watching. We. We went on with our evening. So I don't know and I've never seen it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you've never seen the show, Michelle?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I was too busy watching Sex and the City at the time. I don't know, I just.

[Adam Carolla]

It never got time for both. Oh, listen, Sex and the City is a good TV show.

[Gina Grad]

These people early on, I think it was a solid show and it came a little silly, but it was a solid show, right? It's a well made show.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's what I'm saying. Everybody like a lot of laughs about me watching Sex and City. Here's what I'm saying. What if I just said this about. Oh, it's a show that has black people in it. So I'm not. Oh, I know it's good, but I'm not black. You know what I mean? Like, fuck you. No, it's like Girls.

[Gary Heftard]

If it's good, I watch Girls. It's a great show.

[Adam Carolla]

If it's good, it's good. Good, you know, why do you have to sit there and identify with everything that's going on with the fucking show? As a matter of fact, do you identify with shit that's going on in Star wars or Alien or like a

[Gina Grad]

fucking Game of Thrones, Jurassic Park?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, no point to watching tv. Gunsmoke. The whole idea is to watch something that you're not a part of.

[Gary Heftard]

Right. I remember my great aunt, who was about 90, and we were talking about TV and I said, well, why don't we try Channel 11? And she goes, ah, that's fucks. It's just a bunch of colored people screaming at each other. I was like, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Let's get educated. All right, so do we have. What do you got? So Matt, what a boss in the pantheon of fucking guys. Matt on Friday was like, I laugh now because everyone's like, hey, boss. Oh, well, let's see. What's a big concert that's going on YouTube? Yeah, like, oh, bonnaroo. Yeah, like. Like when we were young, coming up, we do that. Everyone did the fucking phone call where it's like, sorry, boss. Yeah. Oh, man, you sound terrible. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. It's food poisoning or whatever it is. It's going around.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, Just going Around.

[Gary Heftard]

Poisoning is going around. I don't want to give it to anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not a doctor, but I got something, and, you know, I don't want to come in and get everyone.

[Gina Grad]

Do us all a favor. Stay home.

[Adam Carolla]

Stay home.

[Gina Grad]

Look, look, it sounds terrible. Heal up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary Heftard]

Is there anything we can do?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. You know, I'll be fine. As a matter of fact, I won't. I probably won't be answering my phone because I'm really just gonna. I'm just gonna crawl in the bed. I got some progresso soup, and it's just broth. I don't think I can handle it.

[Gary Heftard]

We're. Send something over. Let us. Let us send something over.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. I won't even answer the door. I'm just gonna drink. I'm gonna. You know what? I don't think I can handle warm liquid. I'm gonna take a bouillon cube. Oh. Just put it in some tap water. And just gonna drink it down. And I. In a fetal position by the radiator. I'll be in tomorrow. I'll be in tomorrow.

[Gary Heftard]

You know what? Take another day if you need it after that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I should be good for tomorrow.

[Gary Heftard]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Gary Heftard]

Don't rush it.

[Ian Edwards]

All right. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Then you hang up the phone. Then you yell, good job with being quiet, everybody. Now let's shotgun these shafers and get to the water park. Now you just get the call, like, hey, man, Bonnaroo is stretched into fourth day, so I'm not gonna be around on Monday. Can you dig it? I'm pretty high right now.

[Gary Heftard]

Did you get that call?

[Adam Carolla]

I get the calls. I got the ones where it's like, it's not a wedding, but it's the rehearsal, and I gotta be the rehearsal. Matt gives me the. Matt, what was the call on Friday?

[Gina Grad]

I can't really hear you. The Black Keys are on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, Friday. We had big plans. Big plans for Boys Night. Gonna watch Entourage and over in Hermosa beach on the other side of town. Needed to. Needed to skip out a little early to beat the traffic, so I. I just asked you if I could do that. Boys night out. We're watching Entourage.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What time does the movie start? Seven. Yeah, but we want to be traffic, and we're gonna have some ladyfingers and cocktails before we go outside. We need to get out a little early.

[Gary Heftard]

You don't want to feel any pressure getting down there.

[Brian Bishop]

You didn't respect that at all. The honesty.

[Adam Carolla]

I was. I like the honesty.

[Brian Bishop]

Balls on this guy.

[Gina Grad]

The thing is, I'm a terrible liar and.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're an amazing detective. So if I lied, whether or not I lied, you're gonna have several follow up questions. So it's much easier for me to tell you when the dinner is. I've never said you couldn't go. That's right. And we had a great time. I said. All right, well, I'm gonna interview Dan Gurney and just stay by your computer long enough for me to finish with Dan Gurney on my way to Sparco to pick up my long johns, my fireproof long johns and my stick shift knob. But I'll pick that up about. I'll call you about three. Let's just roll a couple emails and then split to whatever. I ran a little late with Gurney. What time did I call you? It's probably about 4, 3:40. I'll check my phone.

[Gary Heftard]

How was that traffic?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Matt, sorry for holding you up. I got stuck with Gurney. I'm on the road. Hey, but he wrote everything down.

[Gina Grad]

Three hundred and forty.

[Adam Carolla]

That's messed up. It's a full 40 minutes after I said I would call. He's on the road. To be fair, I did have my notepad with me. Going through some stuff. All right, well, now. Now the movie. And by the way, what I had on me was a Z clip. Man, oh man, that's my new wallet.

[Gina Grad]

Money clip.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You look like a winner. Just again, you could use a paper bag or pillowcase or Ziploc bag to carry your money around in. Or you could look like a goddamn winner with this Z clip. Holds up to 15 bills and 8 cards. Had a super depressing conversation with my mom this evening about when she got her first credit card. She was like, well, we never needed one. Yeah, that's right, because you never went on vacation, you never rented a car, you never did anything.

[Gary Heftard]

I needed some better sneakers.

[Adam Carolla]

I. She said, I think we had one to Sears. Oh, Goodwill vacation. It's Sears in the basement. Anyway, made from solid carbon fiber. I also have one that comes in stainless steel and carbon steel.

[Gina Grad]

This would be a great, like graduation gift.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd go graduation. Go with the Father's Day, whatever it is. Go to zclip.com, use the code Adam, you get 20% off your entire order. That's Z as in zebra clip dot com. Not too late for Father's Day, but let's get going, man. Remember, promo code Adam. These guys are really cool. They started their own company and again, it's just. It's a nice piece like, if you have a nice watch.

[Gary Heftard]

Promo code. Adam, you got a little extra? Throw in that clip.

[Caller/Listener]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so how was. So the critics are like 30%, 28%. You know, they're not liking what they've seen. The commercials seem good, and the people are at 81%. So now let's talk to the people as part of that 81%, I would give it 100%.

[Gary Heftard]

Wow. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

I thought it was fantastic. Now, granted, we had several shots of Avion Tequila, were major fans of the show. I was only upset I didn't bring my Medellin T shirt. Ah, yeah, that was a TV show movie he made in the movie.

[Gina Grad]

Disastrous movie.

[Adam Carolla]

You down? Yes, I am down. It's exactly what you want it to be. I mean, these people are judging this movie as a standalone movie, but you need to judge this as a movie version of the Entourage TV show. It's four episodes of Entourage, the TV show. Expertly done. Well, here's a very interesting question. See, I always think Rich whitey's getting punished critically in this thing.

[Gina Grad]

White guy spinning frivolously.

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is Sex and the City. I bet you got a much higher review on Rotten Tomatoes. Even though it was exactly the same thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Sex and the City was beloved in the movie theater. The first Sex and the City people went insane over it.

[Gina Grad]

I would go over 85% on that.

[Adam Carolla]

As a guess, I wouldn't. But I would still say it's at least double of the exact same thing. It's a TV show. A long running TV TV show that if you got it, you want it. It was. If you. It's exactly what you signed up for. But if you never saw it, maybe it wasn't that satisfying. I will say that if you have never seen this movie, you can go see this movie. They do a very clever thing at the beginning of the movie where for the first five minutes, the guys are sitting around basically watching an E. True Hollywood Story on themselves. So they explain kind of everyone's backstory and how they got to where they are now.

[Gary Heftard]

Wait, Gary just said, if you've never seen this movie, you can see them. Okay, but you said, my mistake. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, thanks for keeping them honest. So. So have you guys seen Sex in the City? Yeah, I have not. All right, so what movie was better in your opinion, Gary? Pretty fucking close.

[Gina Grad]

I mean, they're.

[Ian Edwards]

They're.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say they're of similar quality in terms of representing the TV shows. Entourage is a little bit closer to the TV show than Sex and the City did. Sex and the City tried to expand a little bit more when they got that kind of money. I think Entourage had a smaller budget. It was only a $30 million budget. All right, so let's see what Rotten Tomatoes cave, because I think sometimes they cut the ladies a break. Because I think when you go, oh, no, this is a bunch of chicks. And as a reviewer, you can't go, oh, no, yeah, it's not for you, but you can't say shit about it.

[Brian Bishop]

Did anyone get left at the altar in Entourage? Because that adds like 25 points right there.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Was big in it. All right, so figure that out.

[Gary Heftard]

Was there an abortion with Entourage? Because if you're gonna make a movie version of Entourage, there should be the. The abortion doctor should be a regular. He should be a running character.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. I mean, you should have, like, one assigned to you.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah, they're not pulling out. Those guys don't pull. They got grandfathered in.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No helmets for them.

[Gina Grad]

No helmets.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. What it get. I'm just gonna say, by the way, if you're a 13 year old boy, it's probably the greatest film you'll ever

[Gina Grad]

see in your life.

[Adam Carolla]

There are so many boobies within about two minutes, you could just leave.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, interesting.

[Gina Grad]

Dead wrong on that Sex in the City score.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you sure that's the first one? Not when they go to dubai.

[Adam Carolla]

This is 2008. I believe that's the first one. It's 49%.

[Gina Grad]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's still, well, you know, hovering on twice what the other one was. Now you got to see what the. And the audience has it lower.

[Gina Grad]

Well, lower than Entourage.

[Adam Carolla]

76 top critics for Sex and the City is at 54. And I believe for Entourage, it's around 25. It's a little bit of a dip. All right, so now I got. Now my theory is good. It's twice. Twice the ratings. And the audience likes Entourage better than the audience liked it.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I would assume that the Sex and the City people score. The audience score was much higher when it came out in 2008 because it was a phenomenon. People dressed like Sex and the City

[Adam Carolla]

characters to go to the movie, but not. That doesn't always mean good.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Most of those viewers who loved it may have dragged a husband or a boyfriend. Here's me left a review.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's me point. Me point is this basically apples to apples. The exact same thing. One is a bunch of chicks getting left at the altar with their gay buddies. The other is A bunch of dudes pounding a bunch of poontang in Hollywood doing rich white guy stuff. Thus score from critics cut in half, not because of the product but because of the theme of the thing. And that's the part that pisses me off. Don't decide if you don't like their behavior or what they're doing. Just judge the product.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I can see that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, now, let's see over here. First off, are Skip and Allison out there?

[Gina Grad]

Yes, they are.

[Adam Carolla]

What are they doing here?

[Gina Grad]

I imagine something to do with next Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, the thing about Mike. Here's the thing with Mike August, I run into this. With Mike, I occasionally run into. Do it with my wife. I hope I won't run into it with my children. In order to correct a problem, we have to agree there is a problem. Mike August and I have had 250 conversations where he said, yeah, you two is coming on Kimmel next Tuesday. And I went, next Tuesday?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, the day you go on next Monday. Well, it's Friday. Yeah. No, I go on this Monday. Yeah, next Monday. No, this Monday. No, next Monday.

[Gina Grad]

The next Monday.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike, you have to start differentiating between this and next. It's a full week. That's why guests show up a week early, because you can't stop saying this versus next. Just say this or next. And then we get into it, and he laughs, you know, and he goes,

[Gina Grad]

yeah, what are you gonna do?

[Adam Carolla]

What are you gonna do? And I go, no, here's what we'll do. Here's what we will do. And he'll go, yeah, I know. I know. This Next. Who cares?

[Gina Grad]

It's so confusing, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, Mike, Mike, the guys. The guys who produce Mangria are called the family run wineries called Bianchi. He calls it Bianchi. And I just go, no, Mike, it's Bianchi. Yeah, Bianchi. Bianchi. I go, no, it's Bianchi. Well, yeah, well, who cares? I go, I don't. I don't care. You don't care. But when we're on phone calls with them, and the guy's grandfather's grandfather came over from Italy to start his wine company, and his name is Bianchi. Call him Bianchi. Yeah. All right, so what? Or who cares to make it look, I say to people all the time, I only call them Bianchi because that's what they're called. If they call themselves Bianchi, then that's what I would be called. That's what they would be called. There's many other examples of that in life.

[Gary Heftard]

His family, probably his grandfather got to Ellis Island. Great grandfather. And they go, your name's Bianchi. And he went, no, the name Bianchi. And they beat him down.

[Adam Carolla]

They beat him down.

[Gary Heftard]

He wouldn't fucking take Bianchi.

[Adam Carolla]

So Skip and Allison, probably what happened from Catch a Contractor, were booked, I guess, today. Well, next Sunday or next. I said, look, let's book them closer to the 21st, June 21st, when the show premieres. Booking them two weeks before the show comes out loses some steam. It's a kind of a. It's a funny conversation I've had with book publishers and movie folks that. That produce movies and stuff like that. They go, we want to get you on Kimmel, but the only open slot is three weeks before the movie comes out. And I go, okay, but is there an open slot a week after the movie comes out? Oh, yeah, we could book you a week after, but that'd be a week after the movie came out. And I go, I don't want to go on three weeks early and give people marching orders. But there's no place to march. They can't do anything. There's nowhere to go. You can't send them somewhere because there's no. It doesn't exist for another three weeks. I'd rather go on a week after it was on and go, hey, right now. Go to itunes or go to Amazon. We have an explanation. Apparently they are not here to be guests on the show. August scheduled a meeting with them here, so they're here waiting to meet with August.

[Gina Grad]

Wait for it. I got this one for you, boss. Yeah, but still.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but still. I talked to Mike August yesterday for an hour and it's a fucking word. Not a word to any of us either. They're booked to come on June 21st as guests on the show, but they're here in the building today. It is a waste of a perfect. Mike's not here. No, we can fix that in post.

[Gina Grad]

We'll fix that in post.

[Adam Carolla]

Why wouldn't he tell me that Skip and Allison are coming here today? You know where he was yesterday when

[Ian Edwards]

I talked to him?

[Gina Grad]

Mike August?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, wait, wait, this gets better. Apparently you are supposed to be in this meeting.

[Caller/Listener]

Uh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Skip has. Skip get on the microphone. I have a. All right, just. Just to clear this up from Mike August yet, Adam, we're going to meet this Sunday, June 7th. This Sunday. All right, June 7th at 5:30 to meet with Adam and Mike August to talk about the launch of Our new podcast, Five Thirty. It's in the middle of your podcast. Here's an email from August.

[Gina Grad]

Better wrap it up.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Gary Heftard]

Want to kill two birds with one stone?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Skip. I appreciate. Apologize on everyone's behalf. Enjoy a little Mangria. And by the way, I'll see Skip tomorrow. We're shooting, and then I will tell you. But I'll tell you, I was telling Fitz dog that Sonny, the Great Santino, his birthday today.

[Ian Edwards]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Natalia. Heading.

[Gina Grad]

When's her birthday?

[Adam Carolla]

Heading for Disneyland to have a tour guide to stay the night.

[Gina Grad]

Big time.

[Adam Carolla]

Staying the night is when you're from Omaha, not from a neighboring city, but.

[Gina Grad]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Staying the night, stay the night. And I swear to God, if pigeons ate quarters, that's where my family would be at the park every Sunday. Just feeding the pigeons. Just feeding the pigeons. A big sack of quarters.

[Gary Heftard]

There you go. They like me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Throw a handful at them.

[Gina Grad]

Holy coaster. We're fighting over one. Here's another one. Philip fella.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, everybody, I found a fountain. We can dump all the money into it. Yeah, no, they take cash and ATM cards now. Just dump it into the fountain.

[Gary Heftard]

Hey, this guy's meter's low. Let's help him out.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's help him out. So they're heading in, and the question for my son this afternoon was, are you coming to Disneyland with us? Meaning my. My daughter and her friend and mommy and everyone else to buy the tour guide at between 360 and 500 an hour with a minimum of six hours. Awesome. And go to the front of every line while Daddy is killing himself in the west hills off of Shoup and Topanga with the Armenian contractors. He said, I'd rather just go with dad to work.

[Caller/Listener]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, now, listen, we're gonna be getting up at 6:45. We're gonna be getting into the car. We will be driving on the way, way down to, you know, 118 to Topanga. And then when we're done, we are gonna sit in traffic and we're coming back here. We're not coming home. Daddy's got to do a podcast.

[Brian Bishop]

It's just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

And he said, you know, yeah, I'm down with that. I'll be with you tomorrow. I just wants to spend time with Disneyland, over Disneyland. And by the way, when I'm driving in, it's not going to be a father and son heart to heart chat. I'll be doing an interview, plugging Road Hard or the Newman Dial. Oh, I use those Times going in, I have to fight with the ways Chick. But I will be doing interviews. I set up all the publicity on the way in and on the way back. Every day, just about. I mean it seems like Matt seems like we have something most days lined up. Conference call, call with sponsors. Especially if you're on set four days a week. Four or five days a week. There's literally no time to do them

[Gina Grad]

other than in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

So we do them on the way in. And I got the Waze check. We were laughing about this the other day because the person you're doing the interview with can't hear the Waze check, but I can. And I'm going to whatever in the middle of literally go take the 118 to Topanga, make a left and go turn right on Shoop and go down some weird side street somewhere and I have no idea where the fuck I'm going. Would you like to be the interviewer, Chick? Gina?

[Brian Bishop]

I'd love to, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

How you feeling? All right, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what, let me give a little love to Uber first because Matt's driving for Uber, man. Yeah, I am. You like making money, you go with Uber. Got a smartphone app, connects the riders with the drivers. How many John's fares have you picked up thus far? I'm probably up to like almost 20 at this point over the last couple weeks. And thanks to Uber. That paid for my Entourage screen, by the way. I thought I paid for that. And what do you do? Like you just turn it on on the weekends or. Exactly, you have a little app on your phone. Whenever you're ready to drive, you just

[Gina Grad]

push a button that says go online.

[Adam Carolla]

They show you a map where all the like surge prices are and you can drive to the areas that have the highest demand. And then they just send you a little text message saying hey, go pick this guy up. And it guides you to that person and you take them to their destination and you can do it. You just need a license and make some good cash, you know, look, if your parent, family, whatever, they drop the kids off at school, you're around all day, you got a good car, your student want to make a little extra cash? Go to drivewithuber.com that is uber.com drivewithuber.com and sign up. Feeling good there, bald Bryan?

[Gina Grad]

Always.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, so now 7:14 in the morning, I'm pissed off and tired and hungover already and I'm driving in to some armpit of the San Fernando Valley to argue with the Israeli homeowner and the Israeli contractor. And somebody wants to talk about winning. The racing life of Paul Newman.

[Gary Heftard]

Can I be your son?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you'll be. Son. I'm sorry. This will be tomorrow morning. You'll be interviewing me. Gina.

[Brian Bishop]

Burn. So how does it feel to be able to tell the world the racing story of Paul Newman?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, obviously, it's satisfying because when you're as passionate about racing and as passionate.

[Gary Heftard]

Turn right on Western Avenue, then turn right about.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No. Turn right on Western Avenue and turn right on Standard Avenue. About things. So I'm. I. Oh, well, I'm sorry. You were asking if passion. He drove because he liked to drive for the money or the fame. So. Right on San Fernando Road. Yeah, hold on.

[Brian Bishop]

No, that's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Sonny, just. You just have to just kind of tuck it, you know, before. Until we. Until we get on Western Avenue.

[Brian Bishop]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's. Mommy, I'm sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway, do you own any of Paul Newman's actual cars?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, and I'm glad you asked that, because I do have six of us. I have 900 of his cars. I have 900 of his flowered cars. Perfect. Flowered. No, I'm. Hold on a second. You're right. I have 900 of his flowered. Hold on. Turn right on.

[Gary Heftard]

I really gotta go.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Sonny, I need you to go ahead and just turn right. Just flower yourself down for a second. About 900 yards.

[Gary Heftard]

Turn right on Flower.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Just turn right. Would you, please?

[Brian Bishop]

Did you ever consider painting over some of the flowered cars?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I didn't. He does his cars. Last night. I'm sorry. I took a of. Lot left turn there. Anyway, on shoop. No, I misspoke. I only have 500 of his cars. And then I turn.

[Gary Heftard]

Then turn right.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Caller/Listener]

Then turn left.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me turn right. Just let me turn the conversation right around. Why does he turn your second.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, I can come back another time.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm fine. The cars are sponsored by Budweiser and Coca Cola and Pepsi. They're not floured at all. Let me turn right. Turn this conversation right around for a second. And before. Because we're going down a bad road here, right? We're going up. Down on San Fernando. I think that's about 600. About 600 cars.

[Brian Bishop]

600 flowered cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Flower street cars.

[Brian Bishop]

What was the most challenging thing about the documentary? Making it as a.

[Adam Carolla]

As a. As a. As a. As a.

[Brian Bishop]

A.

[Adam Carolla]

As a duke. As a documentarian, I think. I think, you know, growing up in the San Fernando Valley and Right from wrong and living my life a quarter mile at a time. They have western themed craft service in about 900 yards.

[Brian Bishop]

Not as good on your documentary as it has been on others.

[Adam Carolla]

Turn left on Hail.

[Brian Bishop]

So you didn't. You didn't really spring for the extra craft service. I'm just writing this down.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no, no. I was talking to my son about turn left on Hail street. No. Hell no. 600 cars and he was born in Western Avenue. Thank you. Light on Western Avenue. That's how the fucking. That's how every interview goes. I swear to God, that's what happens every fucking drive in and I do tell him, like I'm going, like, sorry, I have the wage lady talking to me, but I can't. But I have to push through.

[Gary Heftard]

Not to mention traffic, people cutting you off.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fucking insane. Fucking insane.

[Gina Grad]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now Travis from Alaska has the greater than or lesser than. Oh, and bold. You got the. You were at the game.

[Gary Heftard]

I was.

[Gina Grad]

Game one.

[Adam Carolla]

How? First off, one into ot.

[Gina Grad]

I'm going to tell you all about it. Yeah. Overtime game 98. 98. Tied to the end of regulation.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta feel good about that traveling call they gave the center, whoever it was. On Cleveland. No, in regulation where it's like that could have put them out or over or whatever.

[Gina Grad]

There were a number of. The warriors didn't play their best game. There were a number of things that broke. I think for both.

[Adam Carolla]

You weren't watching at home.

[Gina Grad]

No, but I've watched the replay at home.

[Adam Carolla]

The announcers are like, God, the guy was underneath. He had a chance for a three point feet a little bit.

[Gina Grad]

It was a debatable call. I know what you're talking.

[Adam Carolla]

It was basically. It was. That's traveling, but everyone travels, right? So why are you calling this traveling call and that? I don't know what point that was, but if he could have got three out of that point, that would have been.

[Gina Grad]

That would have been a big list.

[Adam Carolla]

That would have been a big. Tough to come back from. And also you got to be happy for the shot LeBron took at the end. Like under. Lower percentage.

[Gina Grad]

He pushed him into an uncomfortable three pointer, falling away. That was a great defensive.

[Adam Carolla]

In terms of a low percentage shot. Tied up. LeBron James, go hard for the hoop. No one will foul you. You'll get a clean look and you're a monster.

[Gina Grad]

You're a physical. You're a beast.

[Adam Carolla]

Just fly for the hoop. Yes. Right. He got a. Going out of. Going out of bounds, falling down Three point, like no better and plenty of time. It wasn't Hail Mary, you know, throw a ball in, catch it, and throw it in the air.

[Gina Grad]

Who got the rebound had a better chance. Chance at the shot right then LeBron did. You want to hear the story of how I came to get the tickets? You want to do it after the game?

[Adam Carolla]

We'll do it. One second. We'll. We'll talk to Travis over here with the greater than or less than do we have we online, too? Travis.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey, Adam, Brian, Gina.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Travis? Get it on, man.

[Caller/Listener]

So I got some greater than lessons

[Adam Carolla]

for you, all right?

[Caller/Listener]

And since we're already talking basketball, we have.

[Adam Carolla]

We have an opening. I. I think.

[Gina Grad]

Please don't talk over the intro.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. What's going on?

[Caller/Listener]

I love that opener. That is the greatest moment of my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time I hear you have a question.

[Caller/Listener]

So, yeah, we're already. We're talking basketball, so let's continue on with that. How about the height of the shortest current NBA player versus the height of the tallest professional jockey?

[Gina Grad]

Good one.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going. NBA is. Tallest is greater than greater than. I know jockeys. It's about weight, but it usually translates into height, too.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking Ms. Spud Webb.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

How tall was Spud Webb?

[Adam Carolla]

Five, four, five, six.

[Gina Grad]

Five, six?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I was. Maybe I'm no expert, but I can't imagine there's anyone in the NBA that's shorter than 5, 6 right now.

[Caller/Listener]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And the greatest thing ever was the slam dunk competition. Because watching a guy elevate.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, he. Did he win or he participated in the slam dunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Either participated or won. But all you need to do is see the guy dunk the ball. And it was thrilling.

[Gary Heftard]

I think he wanted to.

[Gina Grad]

He may have.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

He didn't have one of those little trampolines, like the glow to the.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, we're looking at a picture of it. I mean, that's like LAX am on a Duncan. It's the greatest thing. I mean, that guy. If somebody could have. I mean, the greatest fucking hustle in the world would be just that guy going down to the park and having. How much for a dunk? Yeah, I'd give my pink slip of my car that that guy couldn't dunk. But anyway, so not that much. I say NBA. How say you guys? I think taller.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah, I'm going NBA slam dunk.

[Brian Bishop]

I would think the average height of a jockey is five, four and a half maybe. So the tallest. Maybe five, five. So, yeah, the NBA.

[Gina Grad]

I Know, Nate Robinson is pretty short. He's like five, seven. I'm gonna go different than you guys. You just say jockey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're right. Because by the. By the way, the question was phrased if it suggests it'd be more fun that way, but go ahead.

[Caller/Listener]

All right. You nailed it, Ryan. The tallest jockey is five. 10 is Richard Hughes from the UK and the shortest NBA player, Nate Robinson, five, seven and three quarters.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, there's a 510 jockey?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but he's still 118 pounds, right?

[Gina Grad]

He's lift.

[Gary Heftard]

You know, it's not really about the size of the jockey. It's how much drugs you can stuff into the beast before whipping them that makes it a great athlete.

[Caller/Listener]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not the size of the boats, the motion, the ocean. Never say that. Everyone just goes, okay, small cock. I hear you. I get it. Someone's got to overcompensate with eating pussy. I get you. All right, Travis, what's next? What's going on in Alaska right now? Is it a nice season? Is it a nice time? What are the good months in Alaska?

[Caller/Listener]

It's raining right now, but it's been beautiful up until then. We had an outdoor concert once. We saw a Blues Traveler last weekend. It's been gorgeous. It's been 70s and 80s.

[Gina Grad]

How long are the days these days? We're about.

[Caller/Listener]

Up to about 17 hours a day in Anchorage right now.

[Gina Grad]

That's a day.

[Adam Carolla]

When's the last time you saw an eagle in the wild?

[Caller/Listener]

I'm looking at one right now.

[Ian Edwards]

Whoa.

[Brian Bishop]

Of course you are.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? You're looking at a quarter.

[Caller/Listener]

What do you.

[Adam Carolla]

You really have an eagle? You're really looking at an eagle right now.

[Caller/Listener]

I'm looking at the eagle as we speak. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's it doing?

[Caller/Listener]

Just kind of hanging out.

[Gary Heftard]

Representing.

[Brian Bishop]

Representing America.

[Adam Carolla]

Has there ever been an eagle that didn't look good? I had a friend who knew eagle, and it's like a five.

[Gary Heftard]

He's bald, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're all just fucking majestic and perfect.

[Gina Grad]

Every eagle leaves the nest. Camera ready?

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. So, wait, Travis, what's the eagle doing right now?

[Caller/Listener]

Just kind of hanging out. He's not being particularly majestic, but is he standing?

[Adam Carolla]

Is he eating? What's he doing?

[Gina Grad]

Communist.

[Caller/Listener]

He's just sitting on the eve of a house.

[Gary Heftard]

That's the worst thing about human beings is, like, you talk about how beautiful that eagle is, but if you were there right now and he was just sitting and being majestic, you'd be like, throw a rock at him. I want to see him fly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get him to do something.

[Gina Grad]

Let a mouse loose.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Get something out of a stream. All right, go ahead. Traffic. Funny that you're looking at an eagle as we. Yeah, yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

Of all the animals you could have named.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the one that Fitz dog calls from Venice. He's like, I'm looking at a hobo right now. Oh, look, he's shitting. He's shitting on another hobo. Oh, no, wait. Now they're fighting. Interesting.

[Gina Grad]

Majestic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, looks like someone stole someone's mountain bike. Interesting. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Majestic.

[Gary Heftard]

Eating a piece of shit to a homeless guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's eating us. Oh, he just stole that homeless guy's donut. Seagulls. Yeah. All right, so, Travis, greater than, less than.

[Caller/Listener]

All right, number of NFL players since 2000 that have been charged with domestic violence versus number of nirvana songs that reference heroin.

[Brian Bishop]

Ooh, interesting.

[Gina Grad]

Now we're talking about, like, a smack. Oblique references, Coded references to heroin.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, you can dig pretty deep if

[Gary Heftard]

you want, but they only had three albums, so you figure 30 songs max. If a third of those were heroin, that's 10.

[Gina Grad]

I'm imagining bleach had a few. Their first sort of independent album probably had a few. So throw that in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Gary Heftard]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, if you're a junkie, you probably shouldn't sing about heroin.

[Brian Bishop]

Hiding in plain sight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's interesting, but. All right, what do you guys think?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, this has not been a banner year for the NFL the last year.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, sorry. How many last. How many years, Travis?

[Caller/Listener]

Since 2000.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Brian Bishop]

We got to go with the NFL.

[Gary Heftard]

Oh, it's not even close.

[Gina Grad]

I can't possibly see a scenario where it's not the NFL, Travis.

[Caller/Listener]

All right, so 80 players since 2000 have been charged with domestic violence. 66 Nirvana songs.

[Brian Bishop]

Still impressive.

[Gary Heftard]

66 in three albums.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Travis.

[Caller/Listener]

Sorts of albums. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you throw a potato at that eagle? I want it to move.

[Gary Heftard]

You got a slingshot or a BB gun?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, what kind of. What kind of arm do you have, Adam? This is radio. I just like that. I just like the thing to take off.

[Caller/Listener]

I throw like a champ, but I'm not. I'm not throwing a potato with an eagle.

[Gina Grad]

That's definitely a. Yeah, TS Or a Homeland Security crime. Yeah, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, like, one of the red ones, not like a. You know, like a rustic.

[Gina Grad]

You mean like. Like a new potato?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, not like the ones not like ones you get at the steakhouse.

[Gina Grad]

Fingerling potato.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary Heftard]

Not an Irish potato baker. You know, I was in Juneau Alaska, once, and not making this up, I saw a bald eagle on a dumpster behind a Burger King.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Gary Heftard]

And I thought, there's America right there, man.

[Brian Bishop]

Was it still majestic?

[Gary Heftard]

Hell, yeah. So was the King.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if there's, like, a Mexican Cheech and Chong, sort of. Who's on first with Juneau? Juneau, Alaska, man. No, I don't.

[Gina Grad]

No, Trust me. Juneau, Alaska.

[Ian Edwards]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I've never been.

[Gina Grad]

There's probably not.

[Gary Heftard]

Does the Catholic know? No. Juno.

[Adam Carolla]

Juno. Hey, Travis.

[Caller/Listener]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So you're not going to throw the potato at the eagle? No.

[Caller/Listener]

If you're close enough to an eagle to hit it with a potato, you're already in danger. I think you're underestimating of eagle.

[Gary Heftard]

Really?

[Gina Grad]

The talons? Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

All right, I'll kill you and it'll ruin your day.

[Gary Heftard]

But will they go after you unprovoked?

[Gina Grad]

If the loop of potatoes thrown at

[Adam Carolla]

them, that's provoked, what will they do?

[Ian Edwards]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

What's the most aggressive eagle move you've seen?

[Caller/Listener]

I knew a kid whose grandma had a little rat terrier dog that was running around, and the eagle swooped down and grabbed it, flew away with it forever.

[Gary Heftard]

Good.

[Caller/Listener]

Forever.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll do the forever man. Then he became bored of the dog and the upkeep and the kibble and frequent trip to the vet, and some weeks later, return the dog in basically pristine condition.

[Gina Grad]

Actually, better deferred.

[Adam Carolla]

I somehow I think it's one of those, you know, you're a bad person. Because when I hear the stories of the eagle snatching up the lap dog and flying away, I'm like, oh, good for the eagle and everyone else, he's disgusted by it, going, oh, my God, that must have been horrifying. And like, I've got to say in the dog that the how the dog perishes department, there's a lot of. Well, eventually his hips were so bad we had to put him down. There is a insane amount of. I backed over the dog. It didn't kill the dog, but it hurt it enough that the dog snatched by an eagle and just taken to a volcano. I mean, that's fucking awesome.

[Gary Heftard]

On your mantle, the cute one where he's playing with the cat.

[Adam Carolla]

That's basically the dog version of dying while you're, you know, just snatch. I would like to be. And snatched by an eagle.

[Gina Grad]

Death.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened to Grandpa? He was balls deep in a hooker when he was snatched by an eagle. Unclear whether he came or that was eagle. Hooker says she couldn't tell.

[Gary Heftard]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

It's remarkably similar. Anyway, that's the last we saw him.

[Gina Grad]

Next one, Travis.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam, is there a little part of you that doesn't buy the eagle thing right now that he's staring at an eagle?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think he. First off, he's a man of nobility, Travis.

[Gina Grad]

What does he have to gain from that?

[Adam Carolla]

And number two, he would come up with a story that was better than doing nothing. He's chilling, I'd say, right now, oh, there's an eagle, and he's fighting a Kodiak bear right on my front lawn.

[Brian Bishop]

And I think he would have thrown the potato if he wanted to continue the ruse. Like he thought, ah, cool. But he didn't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Travis. All right, give us one more.

[Gary Heftard]

Better to be taken by an eagle about the dogs with the fucking wheels on their back legs. I mean, think about this country. Like, excuse me, homeless guy, can you move your leg? Is on the sidewalk where my wheelbarrow

[Brian Bishop]

terrier is trying to get through that

[Gary Heftard]

I spent eight grand on.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually, they're just going to be driving, like, robotic things with tracks on them. All right, where were we?

[Caller/Listener]

All right, age of the world's oldest stripper versus the total domestic gross for the lowest grossing film of all time.

[Gina Grad]

In dollars.

[Caller/Listener]

In dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you do? Lowest grossing film of all time. Does it have to have a national release or a decent release?

[Caller/Listener]

It's national release. Total amount of money brought in by ticket sales.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But not in two theaters or could be in two theaters.

[Caller/Listener]

I don't know how many.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how many theaters they're featured in.

[Caller/Listener]

I just got a dog.

[Brian Bishop]

The first thought that comes to my head wasn't her name Blue Iris that used to go on Stern all the time. She was probably 100.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

So I think she's. Let's say 90. So where does that stand with.

[Adam Carolla]

I have no idea. I'm just going. I'm going all. The stripper.

[Gary Heftard]

Stripper.

[Brian Bishop]

It would basically have to have made less than 90 bucks. The movie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so you're saying the movie.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it. No, it has to be the stripper.

[Gina Grad]

I'll be the only one saying the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right, here we go.

[Caller/Listener]

Oldest stripper is 84. She works in Las Vegas. Lowest grossing film is Vizzix Road, starring Catherine. Catherine Heigl made 30 bucks.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[Brian Bishop]

That can't be.

[Adam Carolla]

We have fallen a long way from 27 dresses.

[Gina Grad]

$27?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow. Zyzz Road on the way to Vegas. By the way, if you're coming from out here. It's one of those. It's one of those. I think it was just a road that was invented so the CHP could find out who's driving drunk. What's the name of that street up there? Is that right? Yeah. When did that movie come out with Katherine Heigl?

[Ian Edwards]

Oh, six.

[Caller/Listener]

I think it was 2008.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Gary says 06.

[Gina Grad]

I think it's one of those movies that was probably done, at a certain point, shelved. They contractually obligated to release it, so they put it in one theater for one showing or something. I always heard about it as this big disaster.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Travis.

[Caller/Listener]

Yes, sir?

[Adam Carolla]

How about you throw a dinner roll? Throw a dinner roll at the eagle. It's not gonna damage it like a potato would.

[Caller/Listener]

What do you think I do up here? Just sit around, like, in a pile of carbohydrates?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, obviously, you have a lot of time on your hands. I don't want you to throw, you know, like, dried salmon at it, because that sees you through the winter, that salted salmon. That's how you get through the winter over here.

[Gary Heftard]

In Alaska. They respect the animals. You put one bald eagle in la, it would look like a driving range.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, first off, it'd be tagged almost immediately. It would definitely be tagged. Somebody tagged a cop's horse. Remember that story? Literally tagged a cop's horse.

[Gary Heftard]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, this movie was shown six times in six days at a single theater in Texas, and it averaged $4 or $3.50 a show. Whatever it is. I've always heard that Katherine Heigl was a cunt. So I think everyone's happy about this.

[Gina Grad]

Katherine Heigl's probably not happy, but everyone else might be happy.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that was kind of the story. She was kind of bitchy on the set.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, all that Grey's Anatomy hoopla came out when she said, I don't want to be considered for an Emmy because the writing wasn't worthy of what I had done this season and didn't make any friends that way.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, thank you, Travis from Alaska. A couple of quick questions, then we'll get into the news over here. Oh, we also got the basketball game too.

[Gina Grad]

I'm pee real quick because we're sure not taking a break.

[Adam Carolla]

Go pee, and I'm gonna blow through a couple calls. Hey, Mark, 46, Seattle. Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

I've got a question for you guys. Have to do with boxing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on. You see any eagles?

[Caller/Listener]

I live in Seattle, and I do see a crow.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, what's Going on.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

You know, YouTube is a great place to go to watch old boxing matches. You know, I saw. I saw Larry Holmes versus Muhammad Ali the other day. Or you can watch Dempsey or Marciano.

[Gary Heftard]

Right.

[Caller/Listener]

So back in 80. Back in 88. You know, Mike Tyson has spent the last few years just demolishing everybody. And then Buster Douglas came along. It was free. Watched it on TV live, and I did not believe that fight. When Buster Douglas knocked out Mike Tyson, I thought Tyson threw the fight simply because I figured there was no more betting in boxing. No one was going to bet against Tyson. So I wanted your professional.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no one was going to bet. It was a 40 to 1 favorite. Tyson was going into that fight or 30 or whatever. To 1, yes.

[Caller/Listener]

Do you think Tyson threw it? Do you think Tyson threw that fight?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I wish I recorded my own voice oftentimes, but I probably said this, Gary, I don't know, we don't talk too much mma, but I have said we don't have to watch it for. But I have said this about John Bones Jones. Skip will probably tell you. Skip it down next room. I said, jon bones Jones, he's 26, he's unstoppable. There's nobody who can match him in the octagon. And by the way, he can step up to heavyweight. And no one's going to hang with him either because he's such an incredible athlete. When you have incredible athleticism and balance and. And what it is is leverage. He's like 6, 4, 6, 5 and has this crazy leverage. And even when he gets in with Olympic wrestlers, he throws them down because of his crazy thing. And everyone says, well, that guy's going to be a champion for the next 20 years. And I say, well, the only way he's given up that strap is if he undoes himself. See, great guys, they don't get undone in the ring by an opponent. They're too good for everybody. They undo themselves. It actually becomes too easy for them. So they start doing coke and they start hanging out with the wrong crowd and they get a couple of DUIs, and next thing you know, they lose the belt.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, they love the lifestyle. They get a video game or commercials or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the other guys have to bust their ass to compete with these guys. They don't have as much time for the whores and the coke. These guys, it comes so easy easily to them that they undo themselves.

[Gina Grad]

I said, this is the plot of Rocky iii.

[Adam Carolla]

I said that three years ago. And the guy who has the light heavyweight strap is Daniel Cormier, and it is not Jon Bones Jones, because Jon Bones Jones got busted for cocaine and had to give the strap up.

[Gary Heftard]

No shit.

[Adam Carolla]

So he undid himself. Nobody beat him. He beat Cormier already. The guy has the strap is the guy he beat already because he undid himself. No one is going to beat Mike Tyson. When Mike Tyson shall beat himself, he will roll into Japan a 41 favorite. He will not train very hard for this guy who's a journeyman fighter, Buster Douglas, he will not. Even if you look at that fight, his cornerman took a rubber glove and filled it with like cold water and were like putting it on his. Putting it on his mouse on his eye. They didn't even have end swell. It's a frozen piece of metal, basically. Take a piece of metal, they freeze it and they just put it hard on that mouse that's growing underneath your eye or on your orbital socket and they push it down. They didn't even have the equipment. They showed up like, all right, let's go. This dispatcher, this guy, champ. And then we'll all bang some hookers and do some coke. And Douglas showed up to fight. His mom just died a couple weeks earlier. And he was like, I'm still fighting. And he took the fight to Tyson and he worked his jab and he threw some crazy uppercuts. And there's a little discrepancy about, oh, did he beat the count or whatever. But either way, he won fair and square. And Tyson undid himself.

[Gary Heftard]

Well, it doesn't even have to be as extreme as coke, because training as, you know, you do some boxing training, but to train at that level, you know, what feels better than training like that? Not training like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. I mean, and look at, look at how it flies in the face of your lifestyle. Getting up pre dawn hours and doing road work. These guys don't run on a treadmill and watch espn. They go do road work in this, wherever they live, pre dawn. And then they go into the gym and at some point there's a big truck tire and they're beating on it with a sledgehammer over and over again. All the shit you try to avoid when you're rich, right?

[Ian Edwards]

Can I ask you a question?

[Adam Carolla]

I've always wondered this. Even the big time stars, you see them out in their neighborhoods running like. And I've always wondered, someone like Tyson, he's got a compound, he could just, you know, run around the perimeter of his property once he was attacked by Tiger. So he can't do it. Anymore. But is there an advantage to using like an actual. Not if you're gonna be mauled by tiger. No, actually, a drawback, no. Or an eagle. Bald eagle and a Bengal tiger.

[Gina Grad]

No chance from Alaska. No heavyweight chance from Alaska.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, when the popo sees the black guy running around the property, they unload. You understand? Built black guy running around. He's inside the compound. Gentlemen, open up.

[Gina Grad]

You know what to do.

[Gary Heftard]

Teach you to duck in the ring.

[Adam Carolla]

Now focus or you're gonna hit a tiger,

[Gina Grad]

Bob. And leave to avoid.

[Adam Carolla]

I think these guys first off, they're sort of superstitious. They do what they have been doing the whole time and they like to run with their entourage too. And they just go do the pre don roadwork. So you do all the shit you don't want to do, and once you're rich, it's hard to do that. But there's the one fucking thing you can't buy. I mean, you can buy somebody, put a coat of wax on my car, on my Ferrari, put a roof on my house, fucking cook me lasagna. Like, you can buy everything, but you can't buy road work. You can't buy the fucking sledgehammer on the truck tire. Like, and I bet they would, but they just could, can't. I mean, you could, you could get $10,000amorning for running six miles for Mike Tyson back in the day.

[Gary Heftard]

That's what I respect about Mayweather is he clearly did not want to fight again. In terms of the training, he was, was done. He's like, I don't like this, but he's so fucking greedy that he did the fight just for the money.

[Ian Edwards]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, quick question and then we'll hop on to.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm dying to know the answer to this, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I have an answer to this. Eric, 30, L.A. hey, Adam, what's going on

[Caller/Listener]

between moonroof and sunroof? I just purchased a car, came at the option of moonroof and I just always grew up knowing sunroof and don't know the difference.

[Adam Carolla]

They both have variation overtones. If you think about it, a sunroof is usually retractable and almost always solid. Same body panel and color as the car. The moonroof is clear or tinted. And it's also kind of pops open.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

The other one retracts, can be retractable, can be whatever. But to me, the big difference between the sun and the moon is the moon is glass. Glass. And the sunroof is solid.

[Gina Grad]

Interesting.

[Caller/Listener]

Now, don't they have the solid panel that just kind of covers the glass.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. They have, like, a little sliding fabric.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of moon roofs are plastic. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Must have been an interesting thing back when. You know what I liked? I like the olden days. Cars, like, from the 30s, like the Duesenbergs and stuff, where they had a roof on the car, but just the back half where the rich people were and the driver was open. Wouldn't it be cheaper just to put a roof over the whole car? Yeah, but I wouldn't be able to see that guy being miserable.

[Gina Grad]

It wouldn't send the same message.

[Gary Heftard]

I want that.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see, like, sleet hanging off that guy's mustache when we get to my manor. And I won't experience that if he's not out in the elements. Then I'd like to explain to those guys that the more expensive cars will have an option where there's a hole in the roof.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd be like, what? For whatever. For like. Well, so you can see the room.

[Gina Grad]

You know, it's a luxury to be able to look up and enjoy the wind coming in, the sun, the rain.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, dear boy. No, no.

[Gina Grad]

You get to feel the wind and the sun.

[Adam Carolla]

My monocle, so frozen with confusion it refuses to pop out of my cheek.

[Gina Grad]

Probably would happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah, I mean, you see those cars are covered in the back, and the front is open. Like, what?

[Caller/Listener]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Other than seeing a person who gets paid by you being miserable, what good does this do any of us?

[Gina Grad]

We could have a podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I guess you're actually going to ruin the upholstery of the front seat and the dashboard and everything else with this guy getting rained on.

[Gina Grad]

F me money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Ian Edwards]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

There's the difference.

[Caller/Listener]

Eric, thank you so much, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Thank you. You can sleep at night.

[Gary Heftard]

Wow. That was a good one.

[Adam Carolla]

On it, baby. Speaking of sleeping at night, good performance, good nutrition, good health. Did we go through every one of those Onit bars that was parked out there already? In about three days.

[Gina Grad]

They were delicious.

[Ian Edwards]

They were gone.

[Gina Grad]

And we're reading the back of them, and they're not. You know, all those energy bars are just kind of crap. Oh, these are high in protein and low in carbs.

[Brian Bishop]

Were these the vanilla ones?

[Gina Grad]

Vanilla and chocolate mint. Those are delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

I was able to enjoy one.

[Gina Grad]

You should have had some more, boss.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah, a lot of shows will put out stuff for the guests.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna eat the staff. Evidently, the free vending machine is not enough on it.

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

The reason why, by the way, I'LL eat the buffalo. The Onit Warrior Bar. I've said this before. It's kind of a thing where it's like you guys know when you're shopping and you're kind of reading a lot of labels like, is this bullshit? Is this not bullshit? And then what's nice about a place like Trader Joe's is you can just kind of throw it in your basket because you know, if it kind of made the cut, it's at least good, you know, it's not gonna kill you. The thing about Onnit is I show up, you see the, you know, quote unquote protein bars, which can just be a candy bar, but if it's made by Onnit, it's like, alright, I don't have to read the label.

[Gary Heftard]

This is good.

[Adam Carolla]

I just dug into one MCT oil, dump it in the coffee in the morning. Gives you great energy, suppresses your appetite. Alpha brain, enhances focus. It's all the good stuff. Again, the Warrior Bar. Put in the glove box, man. 140 calories, no MSG, no soy, lactose, antibiotics, nitrates, gluten free, whatever. Try it. Go to on it. That's two n's. O n n I t.com atomysave 10%. They do deodorant.

[Gina Grad]

Edible deodorant. Why would they do that? No.

[Adam Carolla]

Fool me once, shame on you. Yeah, no, I ate the first one. But no, it's solid. They did. They do a solid. I had it. I showed up, my house, there was and I used it this morning I was like, it's like I hate deodorant. To me, deodorant that smells like deodorant you have now negated. Yes. The purpose. If I can smell your deodorant, that means I'm smelling you armpits. Basically when I smell the lilacs in the bathroom that you just shit up, Right?

[Gary Heftard]

If I smell a green Christmas tree hanging off your car radio, Mr. Driver, something's up.

[Adam Carolla]

Something's up.

[Gary Heftard]

Give me your armpit.

[Adam Carolla]

On it has the stuff that's a light scent to it, but very natural. Very good.

[Gina Grad]

Anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

O n n I t.com Adam save 10%. All right, Brian, what do you got? Your first game first.

[Gina Grad]

Well, game one of the finals. So here's the thing. So I'm a Bay Area guy. I grew up in the Bay Area. Fan of the giants and the 49ers and to a lesser degree, the Warriors. They're very, very good this year. My dad is a massive warriors fan. They last won the championship in 1975. Forty years ago, he was at every home playoff game. He bought the whole, the whole postseason's worth of tickets for $10 a piece back then.

[Brian Bishop]

Rockefeller.

[Gina Grad]

I know, right? And he's a huge fan. He's been dying with this team for my entire life. I'm 37 years old. My entire life has been my dad dying with the Warriors. And they're finally good. They're not just good, they're great. And so towards the end of the year, I'm like, whatever it takes, I'm gonna take my dad to game one. I'm gonna make sure he gets there because he's a huge fan and he probably, he could probably afford it if he really wanted to, but he wasn't gonna go. And I'm like, I'm taking my pops to game one.

[Brian Bishop]

That's adorable.

[Adam Carolla]

How much are the tickets?

[Gina Grad]

I was lucky enough, quote unquote to get face value tickets on the presale. I just happened to, on Ticketmaster was on the pre sale and got him for $484 each. Each with, with parking and fees it was over a thousand dollars. But it was one of those, I

[Brian Bishop]

didn't know you were rolling like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian buys 90 minutes of the tour guide driving my kids around Disneyland. Fucking river.

[Brian Bishop]

Your dad looks very happy by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Disneyland.

[Gina Grad]

And of course the previous series was only decided, you know, six or seven days before. So plane tickets were last minute tickets and that was another $400. But it was a break the piggy bank kind of experience for me and my dad. He's, he's a good guy and he's 60 something years old. I don't know, maybe you never get another chance to see the warriors in the finals.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a game where the warriors could have easily lost it in the last minute. It went to overtime and it went OT and the hands, the ball was in the hands of LeBron James with eight seconds left on the clock. And yeah, that was a really exciting game.

[Gina Grad]

It was incredibly exciting game. It was so incredibly exciting to be there. It was such a. Oracle arena is known for being a really loud place, a great atmosphere, electric. And it was everything I ever wanted. Walking out of that stadium with my dad, I thought to myself, and I even said to him I was like, worth every penny. It was like incredibly expensive, but worth every penny.

[Adam Carolla]

I have my. I have this weird.

[Gina Grad]

Luckily we happen to have a 1pm show that day. Normally I'd have work and I wouldn't be able to go. We had the 1pm show bounced. So I was like, oh. And then it got moved up to 11:30. I was like, oh, this is fantastic. We can take our time and, like, arrive at the stadium and have a beer. And I was like, who paid for the beer? I let Pops pay for the beer at this point. For the beer.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

This is so $30 for him, 1400 for me.

[Adam Carolla]

I shared a. An office with Jimmy Kimmel for a long time. And a lot of people don't know or may not know this about Jimmy, but Jimmy is fanatical about spelling. Like, his biggest arguments would be about how words weren't spelled or misspelled or whatever. He loves playing Scrabble, for instance. And I used to just sort of sit there, by the way. Eats everything. Loves everything. Loves seafood, but likes the kind of seafood that I would say if you took a pier pylon and just scraped it into a pot of boiling water, that's the kind, like, for me, it's like, yeah, if you want some mesquite grilled salmon. But no, I'm talking about slimy shit that you swallow with tentacles. You know, putting squid ink and smoothies and shit like that. Like, I mean, crazy. I don't like that at all. Loves fucking spellings. Insane with spelling. And the only food that Jimmy doesn't much care for. Not allergic to. Just not a fan of nuts. And I'm like, macadamia nuts is the greatest thing ever to come. Nature doesn't do better than. And you can mix a lot of bacon and a lot of. But something that falls off a tree, you don't do better. No, thanks. Just the weirdest thing ever. That I share an office. And by the way, spelling. No one spells words. Me, Nobody. I've never played a game of Scrabble my life. I don't know how to spell. I hate spelling.

[Gina Grad]

What brought us on? What inspired you?

[Adam Carolla]

What did I do?

[Gary Heftard]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

You.

[Gina Grad]

What did I do?

[Adam Carolla]

I went to a Rams preseason game with my dad in 1975. I've literally. I don't know when his birthday is. I've never attended an event with him. He's never. He showed up here to do his own podcast. The day I pulled the plug on his piece of shit podcast. I've never seen the man here again. There's another warehouse that's filled with race cars at Paul Newman's. Fire suits and everything's. Never set foot. He lives seven miles. Never been to a game, never been to event. He's never read a book. Mine, he's never seen A movie. I've never gone anywhere with him. I've never had a beer with him. I've never done anything with him, much less get on a plane and go somewhere.

[Gina Grad]

So this evening represented everything you are not.

[Adam Carolla]

So when you sit around and you go, I go, what's going on this weekend? Oh, my dad's flying in. SC's playing Stanford, and we're tailgating. I'm like, what does that even mean? Sitting on a tailgate with your dad, eating barbecue and having a butt fucking tall boy. How does it work?

[Gary Heftard]

Still no closer to the nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Never done a thing with my dad ever that resembles. I mean, we have gone out to lunch and we have sat at one or another's home on a sofa and just talked, but we've never gone to an event.

[Brian Bishop]

Who picks up the lunch check?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I do. Yeah. And we don't even do that anymore. My dad is still one of the few guys I know who, like, he'll come over once every four months, see the kids, you know, lives five miles away, and just come in Sunday afternoon. I'll go, hey, dad, how you doing? You want a beer? No, I'm good. Some bubbly water, something like that? Nah, I'm fine. Coffee, tea, anything, Something. Snack, snacks, cheese crackers, whatever. No, I'm okay. Then he'll say to his wife, lynn, you want a water? She'll go, no, I'm good. I'll sit there for two hours on a Sunday. Like, outside, kids will be, like, playing in the pool. I'll be drinking a beer. It's like, somewhere about an hour in, you start feeling weird or bad again.

[Gina Grad]

Sure. I can't.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want a beer or just some? I got, like, sparkling water. I got the lemon, I got the regular flavored, sparkling with some sparkling water. Put some ice on there. No, Leonard can do a thing with some cheese and some crackers or something. You want something? No, we're good.

[Gina Grad]

Minimalist.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally does not drink water.

[Gary Heftard]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

For the two hours, and then gets in the Honda CRV and goes home.

[Gary Heftard]

Guessing he doesn't ask to use the bathroom before he leaves.

[Adam Carolla]

Nope, that'd be weird. And not living and dying with the Warriors. Never been to. He does like the Clippers. Never. If I say to him, yeah, no, I can't go out. I'm going to the Feast of San Gennaro. Jimmy and I throw the Feast of San Gennaro every year. Feast of San Gennaro. And I gotta be sort of the emcee of the big auction on the Prima Note night, you know he'll go. Okay, well, then maybe next weekend he doesn't go. What's the feast of San Gennaro? Where is it?

[Brian Bishop]

I'd love to see my boy up on stage doing his thing.

[Adam Carolla]

The Toyota Grand Prix or Long Beach? The Feast of San Gennaro or the Cinerama Dome. We're showing the Newman doc. Okay, well, good luck.

[Gina Grad]

See you next time.

[Brian Bishop]

Is there. Is that podcast still available anywhere?

[Adam Carolla]

His.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, on the archive.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it. Is it on the archive?

[Gina Grad]

I have no idea.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, we gotta find out, I guess. So, Gary, is the. Is his father's podcast still in the archive?

[Gina Grad]

It's available on Gary's computer.

[Adam Carolla]

You could probably find it somewhere on the Internet.

[Brian Bishop]

Do a little digging in the Dark Web.

[Adam Carolla]

If it's for you, I got copies.

[Gary Heftard]

Perfect. Now I have add and I can space out and miss things, but I'm still going back to how we went from Golden State to Jimmy Kimmel fish and then macadamia nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

The only thing that exacerbates one's inability to spell or have a relationship with a family member is when you're sitting in an office or you have a co worker who regales you with stories.

[Gary Heftard]

Gotcha.

[Adam Carolla]

And Jimmy, speaking of that, not only with the macadamia nuts, but it'd be like, my parents are flying in. I'd be like, for what? Valentine's.

[Gary Heftard]

Right. Got it.

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, they come in for Valentine's. We only got to dinner. Like, I mean, we would. Father's Day, traditionally, for me, is we go to Santa Anita with Jimmy. Jimmy's. Jimmy's dad, and the kids and everybody else. And celebrate Father's Day.

[Ian Edwards]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I celebrate Father's Day with Jimmy's dad at San Anita.

[Ian Edwards]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I do. It couldn't be any further thing. The get on a flight, go to a ball game, playoff. Got tickets, scored the closest.

[Gina Grad]

Dad's flying down for Father's Day, too.

[Ian Edwards]

I should point out.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he's not.

[Brian Bishop]

My dad and brother are flying to Kansas City for the Chiefs game in October.

[Adam Carolla]

I. The fucking. I tried. I tried. I did two attempts. I did two Father's Day attempts with my dad. It's normal. It's kind of nice because, you know, like, pressure's off. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, go celebrate with Terri Schiavo or my dad or whoever, that Eagle. It doesn't matter. The good news is you don't have to fucking sit home and wring your hands. I want to. When she's coming out of that coma like, it's done. We're good. So I made two attempts. One is there's a big Rodeo Drive Father's Day car thing where they shut down Beverly Hills. Like, just the whole Rodeo Drive. And all the way up and down Rodeo Drive is Duesenbergs and vintage Ferraris. And so whatever you're into, it's there. There's muscle cars, there's million dollar Ferraris, there's old, there's new. Just up and down food, and people just kind of walking and looking at these cars and blah, blah, blah. And that's kind of a fun thing to do. So my dad's not a car guy, but it's, you know, Father's Day Sunday, Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive. We'll get some food, we'll walk up and down, we'll look at some stuff from your childhood or whatever. I said, why don't we do that? And he's like, it was like four days before or something. And he was like, yeah, okay. And then I think, like, day of, I said, like, all right, what time should I pick you up? And he's like, yeah, nah, nah. Not really feeling it. Not really feeling it. And I'm like, it's not. You don't have to be a car guy. There's just a bunch of really cool stuff, artifacts.

[Gina Grad]

But it's a cool little history.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or it's Rodeo Drive, it's closed. You can walk down the middle of it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. And he could spend time with you.

[Adam Carolla]

There's that aspect as well.

[Gary Heftard]

But did you just go to a playground and sit on a swing by yourself for a couple hours with a

[Brian Bishop]

sad ice cream cone that fell onto the wood? Ch.

[Adam Carolla]

The other attempt was I was sitting at a restaurant once and just eating and talking. I was working with Kevin Hansch on one of these scripts we were working on, and nice looking gentleman of color just came walking up to us and he said, you know, I'm pretty much in charge of the Hollywood bull, and I can get you in or get you out. I'm a big fan. I just sort of recognized you. And here's my card. And if you need anything, sold out, last minute, whatever, I'll get you into a box up front.

[Gina Grad]

How's that card along?

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, wow, sweet. And then he made a move for my wallet and. No. Then he left. And I said, you know what? The Playboy Jazz Festival. Because there's one thing Pop Scrolla likes, and that's jazz Playboy.

[Gina Grad]

That's how you get through that's jazz.

[Adam Carolla]

He loves jazz. He loves jazz. I've never been to the Playboy Jazz Festival. I've lived here my entire life. I've passed a million banners. I've seen pictures of Bill Cosby and Dizzy Gillespie up there and everything. What goes on. It's one whole day of just jazz and free flowing booze. And I'll call this guy and I'll get a box up front.

[Gina Grad]

Did your dad, have your dad ever gone in his younger days that's been going around for decades, the Playboy Jazz Fest.

[Adam Carolla]

He likes jazz, but not enough to make. Well, you have to purchase a ticket and then drive to the jazz. Yeah, if, I don't know, let's say, let's say if the jazz quartet came to him for free, I think he would not chew them out of his living room. But this involves purchasing something and getting into an automobile and parking at the Hollywood Bowl.

[Gina Grad]

Literally lots of steps to the Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally lots of steps. So I said, I'm gonna buy tickets, I'm gonna get us great seats and we're going to the jazz festival. And it starts at 10 in the morning and it ends at midnight. So you just sort of show up when you show up. We fucking showed up at, I don't know, two in the afternoon. The first five bands we saw were world music. They've opened this, what used to be

[Brian Bishop]

known as jazz, like Afro Cuban step funk.

[Gary Heftard]

It's always Cuban. There's always a Cuban guy in there.

[Adam Carolla]

And nobody, nobody has the guts to go. This sucks. Because if that makes you prejudiced or you're close minded or uptight or whatever it is, you can't just fucking go, what the fuck is this? There's 120. There are more people on stage than there are at the highest Hollywood bowl.

[Gary Heftard]

And you have no idea when it's about to end.

[Adam Carolla]

If there was a fucking gang fight between the amount of people playing world music on that stage and the 18,000 strong it would be. We'd lose. We'd be outnumbered. Literally. There's more people on stage than are in the fucking seats. And they're up there. I'm surprised the fucking fire marshal just doesn't fucking clear the stage. And seven, eight of them aren't even playing anything. They're just in ceremonial garbage. Probably just mouthing to the. Whatever.

[Gina Grad]

The thing is jazz hype, man.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're playing shit. Everyone's like, got to pretend to like it, but it fucking sucks.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And really, what, really what we're looking for again, some Ella Fitzgerald or Dizzy Gillespie or Stan Kenton or somebody. You know, just. But all right, that's the first five bands. The next three are the very good looking 27 year old guy with the blonde hair who looks like GE. Whoever used to. Used to run fucking with the thing where that his blonde bangs would fall in front of his eyes. You have to flip it out of his hair. Playing the miniature sax.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

In the weird progressive, you know, keyboards, grip drip. But not piano. Just.

[Gary Heftard]

We get it.

[Adam Carolla]

GE synthesizer playing that weird tinny jazz. That's not. Not jazz is a stand up bass and a saxophone and an old guy and a stool, you know, playing that. A guitar he's named. You know. This was the opposite. This is like young and good looking and the guy just probably got back from some sort of spinning or Pilates class and he's fucking playing the miniature. After about four of those, my dad just looks at me and went, you ready to leave? I was like, yeah, I am ready to leave.

[Brian Bishop]

It's sad.

[Adam Carolla]

Shouldn't they. By the way when they.

[Ian Edwards]

They just.

[Adam Carolla]

This. This definition of jazz needs to be reined in. Needs to be reined in. World music is not jazz. It's just shit music that get played at a spa or something. But the only thing that could salvage that is if Paul Simon or Sting comes up front.

[Gary Heftard]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

And fucking leads it in some direction. But on its own, it's just a whole bunch of fucking rogue people.

[Gary Heftard]

Simon's not in it. I don't want to hear it. No one send it to any fucking country as long as they're poor and Paul Simon's there. I'll give it a listen.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right.

[Gary Heftard]

Not. I don't want to hear Berlin's world music. They got money. Canada. No.

[Brian Bishop]

No thanks.

[Gary Heftard]

South Sudan. I'm listening. Paul Simon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary Heftard]

Crank it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gary Heftard]

I want suffering behind the music.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary Heftard]

And a short guy with a comb over.

[Adam Carolla]

I completely. Yeah. Whose guitar is bigger than he is. That's what I want. Left on their own. No can do.

[Gina Grad]

So yeah, Game one was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And the fucking guy broke his kneecap on the other team Irving and like

[Gina Grad]

a non contact injury. I was bad to see.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Should we do a little news before we roll on out of here?

[Brian Bishop]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I should tell you people, that is. Let's see, what do we got here? Daddy, stop talking out as we speak. So just click on through, bookmark us at Amazon and show us some love. Road hards out and the Newman doc as well. If you want to get it Check it out. You can get it for like 3.99. You can rent it on itunes or Amazon. But write a nice little review on it. I love reading. I do read them. I love hearing what you have to say. Live shows everywhere. Just go to Adam. Carolla.com bald Brian, by the way, Bay Area book signing. I'll be back this Friday.

[Gina Grad]

Next Friday or this Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Gina Grad]

Fucking with you. I'm fucking with you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm calling this Friday, June 12th.

[Gina Grad]

That is in fact, this Friday. Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this Friday, 7:00pm at book passage,

[Gina Grad]

just north of San Francisco. Come out and say hi. I'll sign your book or your boobs or both.

[Brian Bishop]

Not perfect.

[Caller/Listener]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we do a little news? Gina Grad.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Give you the news with grad. News with Gina Grad. Show bids, Congress tech news, sports news, world news. Give me news with Gina Grad. Richard out of Florida. Sex survey Obama. New news with Gina Gina the news with Gina Grad.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, as most of you probably know by now, American Pharaoh won Saturday's Belmont Stakes and completed horse racing's first triple crown since 1978. American Pharaoh won the race with a time of 226.55, beating Frosted by five lengths here in the final second.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute now you know my thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pick the horse. That would be the best name for your dick.

[Gina Grad]

You call it good.

[Adam Carolla]

Good for the stang, good for the wang.

[Gina Grad]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

American Pharaoh.

[Adam Carolla]

American Pharaoh is pretty strong for your cock, but Frosted, Frosted Cock is pretty, pretty good too.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a reason they were neck and

[Gina Grad]

neck for those as your exacta.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you want to see a clip from the end?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Brian Bishop]

Here we go.

[Gina Grad]

And now he's a length behind in second. An American Pharaoh kicks away. American Pharaoh has opened up a two

[Adam Carolla]

length lead as they come to the top of the stretch. And Frosted has moved up into second.

[Gina Grad]

And they're into the stretch. And American Pharaoh makes his run for

[Adam Carolla]

glory as they come into the final furlong. So since 1978 Triple Crown, American Pharaohs get a two length lead. Frosted is all out at the 16th pole. And here it is.

[Gina Grad]

The 37 year wait is over.

[Adam Carolla]

American Pharaoh is. By the way, we haven't. We've been getting on with our lives. It's not like sitting home in sweatpants going, sorry, no Triple Crown, no work.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe this will be the year.

[Gary Heftard]

What's wrong, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

As far as providing for the family and communicating with the kids and going to work, no can do. Not unless American Pharaoh wins this Triple Crown because it's been a long stretch. I would not. It's always weird, the guys that are cropping and beating the shit out of their horse because it's the only time where on national tv, you're literally punishing an animal.

[Brian Bishop]

We're not going fast enough.

[Gary Heftard]

That you've just shot up with needles moments before that.

[Gina Grad]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of a weird thing because if anybody saw anybody kick their dog or something, they'd be reported. They'd literally have to move to Cuba. This is a bunch of foreign midgets beating the shit out of our horses. And we were like, go.

[Gina Grad]

People go nuts.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not beating them hard enough. I got real money on this.

[Brian Bishop]

And God forbid that horse takes a dive. Oh, then they bring out that sad little curtain and you hear one pop, and that's that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Gary Heftard]

And it all makes it okay. But it's okay. We're betting on it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's okay. I got my kids here. And we're betting on it. And we're eating. Yeah, Go ahead. I was reading about that 5, 10 jockey that Travis had in greater than less than. That guy was actually suspended for a couple months for excessive beating of a horse during a race in the uk. My move. Because I want to look good, but I want to get the best out of the horses. I holster the crop. I lean in. Man. I verbally abused the horse. You're so fat. Who would ever find you attractive?

[Gary Heftard]

Nobody's gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody. By the way, I know you're only three.

[Gary Heftard]

Philly. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But name of Cream Cheese, by the way. Nothing slower than cream Cheese. But good luck when prom season comes around because you're not going anywhere, fatty. Sitting home crying of some bon bons.

[Gary Heftard]

You got big teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, huge. Fucking. They actually call. There's a syndrome called horse tooth. Another horse. And by the way, you don't even have good horse sense. And you're a horse.

[Gina Grad]

You'd really abuse.

[Adam Carolla]

That horse sicken me. Oh, you're so unattractive. You're so lucky I'm riding you. You know, none of the other jockeys wanted to sit on you because they're scared they'd get cooties.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm gonna cut that mane like Mommy dearest.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah, you like glue?

[Adam Carolla]

You like glue? As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even trust you to make good glue. You probably make shitty glue, like where the wood would come apart.

[Gina Grad]

You're gonna make shitty glue.

[Gary Heftard]

You know how when horses run really fast, they get to have sex with other horses. Yeah. Nobody's gonna want to have sex with you. Even if you're the fastest horse, they're still not gonna want to fuck you.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, keep up this leisurely pace and you'll have John Goodman riding your ass next race. You understand? Bitch. Let's go. So ugly. So dumb. You're lucky I'm the only one who likes you. And I don't even like you. I'm just talk to you.

[Brian Bishop]

The verbal riding crop.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Gary Heftard]

I think that's why they put those. Yeah, they put those ears.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but you see the guys, some of those guys leaning in, you know, they're talking shit, dick, accent.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, well, two murder convicts escaped from upstate New York. Yes. Clinton Correctional Facility over here.

[Adam Carolla]

Would be fun if you cropped yourself.

[Gary Heftard]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That would make the news, right? It feels good.

[Gina Grad]

Why not, if that was your thing?

[Brian Bishop]

No. It's like tickling yourself. Does it really work? I think somebody else.

[Adam Carolla]

You could leave a mark.

[Gary Heftard]

I think it would hurt. Yeah. I mean, I saw Da Vinci Code.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

So these two murder convicts escaped from an upstate New York Clinton Correctional facility overnight on Friday. They trick the guards by using dummy bodies built out of sweatshirts while using power tools to drill through walls and pipes, According to the New York Times. Yes. Nobody could figure out how they got power tools. Authorities said the escape involved holes cut in cells, a six story high catwalk and several tunnels. Meanwhile, the escapees even had time to leave a racist note along the escape route for anyone who might have been following them. Here's a picture of the racist caricature of an Asian man with the words have a nice day written on it.

[Gary Heftard]

At least it didn't say have a rice day.

[Gina Grad]

You think that's racist?

[Brian Bishop]

So they're still at large.

[Gary Heftard]

And it's a yellow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I see. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Richard Matt, who's 48, and David Sweat, who's 34.

[Gary Heftard]

What's amazing is they had a joining cell. So not only did one guy tunnel out, they tunneled into each other's cells like a suite. And then they. You know how they got out? They came up through a manhole cover. It's fucking beautiful.

[Brian Bishop]

Sewage. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know, my feeling is, leave him alone. Let's not look for these guys.

[Gary Heftard]

They earned it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sort of like, honestly, if you can float here on a truck, inner tube from Cuba and you can get one foot down in Florida, you can stay, Right.

[Gary Heftard]

If you're a witch and you can

[Gina Grad]

float if you want it bad enough you live.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like these guys not only deserve whatever they find out in our society, but probably make some pretty good employees. Yeah, Go Getters Problem Solvers

[Gary Heftard]

Steel Workers Union. They're all over these guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like the cut of their gym.

[Gina Grad]

They're gonna need some legal representation when they. When they get to the streets.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're right. You're right. They should call Legal Zoom. That's right. God. Guys going old school. I can see him like passing the clotheslines. The dryer. Has to be the worst thing that happened to escape cons ever. Every single movie I saw was, look at the clotheslines. She got some dungarees hanging there and a sweat jacket. I'm going to grab that stuff. They can pull them right off the clothesline. Now they're in the dryer. Break into the house. Legal Zoom, baby.

[Gary Heftard]

Or else they take the laundry and send it out. That's how the other guys would escape. It was always laundry later. Why not just do it on site?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like we have nothing but people capable of doing laundry that are in this facility. Why are we farming it out? Yeah, it's costing us a lot. And I've seen the guy, by the way, who goes out in the laundry basket in the hopper and then gets up under the truck, hangs onto the bottom of the truck.

[Gina Grad]

You're in one big laundromat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. All right, where were we? LegalZoom. Ah, that's right. LegalZoom. Launch your dream. Do it this [e-mail] for a limited time. You get special savings on trademarks and copyrights, provisional patent applications. They can help you if you got a great idea. You got, let's say, an idea for Potato Cannon because you want to go eagle hunting. Well, LegalZoom will help you get that trademarked or patented, whatever it is. Not a law firm. So you can get advice from a network of independent attorneys in most states. Don't forget to enter Adam in the referral box when you check out. It's legalzoom.com. they help you get there, baby. Legalzoom.com alright, what else?

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, I think we need to three way that conversation with DFG if you want to go full force. Potato cannon.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

He'd probably be the one to talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the death threat guy definitely wants that.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, wearable tech devices are about to hit the bedroom thanks to a new Indiegogo campaign for a device called Lovely. The Lovely is a Bluetooth connected sex toy that'll fit around the penis and track sexual activity. From calories burned to number of thrusts to intensity of the actual intercourse course itself. If the campaign reaches its goal of $95,000 by early July, the Lovely will eventually be released for 169 bucks a pop. Here's a clip of a guy from the campaign summing up what the toy.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's the fit dick or the dick bit or whatever it is.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. And this is the.

[Ian Edwards]

All right. Sex life. Its shape and vibration stimulate the woman and make men's erection stronger for even longer.

[Gina Grad]

Lovely gives you clear and actionable tips through the Lovely app on how to

[Adam Carolla]

spice up your sex life.

[Ian Edwards]

It estimates energy expenditure so you know how many calories you've burned during sex. Lovely is also capable of sensing when you're both close to each other and in the mood for some fun and can incentivize you to do it. It's also waterproof and charged wirelessly.

[Adam Carolla]

All of this is possible innovation that

[Ian Edwards]

our team has put into Lovely. So if you think Lovely is something

[Adam Carolla]

you could use, please bug our campaign and share it with those you care about. It's gonna be Lovely.

[Ian Edwards]

Thanks.

[Gary Heftard]

It's gonna be lovely.

[Adam Carolla]

I could see that. Like, I'm like a baby. I got this new device. I'm gonna rock your world. I'm gonna rock your world all night long, baby. You're gonna love it. Let me just put this device that vibrates around my. Oh, gosh. Oh, Jesus.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, straight zeros again.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, listen, ignore the analytics on that. How do I get queued up on Tiva? Just go ahead and watch that for a while. I'm heading to the kitchen if you want something.

[Gary Heftard]

Calories.

[Adam Carolla]

That's nothing.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a Fitbit cock ring. You're absolutely right. If someone. If the company sent you one just to try for free, would you give it a go?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll try anything once, but my fear is I would first off forget I was wearing this thing on my cock and then go jump in the swimming pool and die.

[Gary Heftard]

Oh, what a way to go.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened? Electrocution.

[Gary Heftard]

Golden eagle on your shoulder?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They'd find me just face down, floating. They'd find the thing, like, floating around in that basket for the filter. Yeah. Here's the thing.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a fuck bit.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like anything that involves. So here's the deal. The day you get bored with fucking or receiving a blowjob or whatever is the day you need to cover yourself in canned salmon and wait on a roof in Alaska for that eagle to fucking snatch you up, drop you in a Volcano. So what I'm saying is there's plenty of shit in life that needs improvement. There's plenty of facets of life where you go, wouldn't it be better if during this period, you know, that could be applied to.

[Gary Heftard]

Actually would tell you not to during a period?

[Ian Edwards]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but actually, yeah, or you maybe get some bonus points for that, but either way, this ain't broken. It's the same way I feel about. Oh, have we do a cheeseless pizza, but we use a. We use a. Well, at some.

[Gary Heftard]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if it's. It's a vegetable or it's a weed, but anyway, it's a root chard. It's like, just fucking. Make good pizza. We have pizza. It's good. Fucking is good. Blowjobs good. Good. Not broken.

[Gina Grad]

Not broken.

[Adam Carolla]

Never broken.

[Gary Heftard]

And if. And if your concern is burning calories during sex, you know, it's. To me, it's. The less calories I'm burning, the better that fuck just was. If I can kick back, head on the pillow, King Tut style, let her burn calories, I'll go to the gym. If I'm having sex, I want to be, like, frozen in position.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I also feel as well, there's a thing when you're driving a race car. If you're going around the corner and the tires are squealing and you're sawing away at the wheel, and it really would make a good movie. You're going slow. Like you're. You're. You're not getting through the corner correctly. The whole idea is to do it sort of effortlessly.

[Gary Heftard]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I feel like if I'm fucking and trying to burn calories, I'm gonna fuck that up.

[Gary Heftard]

You're flailing your arms. I'm gonna be doing kicking like you're in a pool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll be yell. I'll probably, like, lose control of boundaries and stuff. Sonny, get in here. Cut my balls. Come on. Let's go now. Trying to burn off that soft taco.

[Gary Heftard]

Get the riding crop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's go.

[Gary Heftard]

I'm going to the home stretch.

[Adam Carolla]

Give it to daddy.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, and can you think of anything less sexy or romantic than going over it afterwards with the analytics and the bar graphs and the pie charts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

That I'm not interested in.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, I don't have a ton of room on my cock for accessorizing. You know what I mean? My cock doesn't run that deep. You know, let's go ahead and put these water wings on there and we'll toss a couple batting donuts on there. And then here's a. Here's an egg bagel. Sure. And then we got this device. I don't got a whole lot of room.

[Gina Grad]

Here's a do not disturb tag. You're running out of room.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Real estate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My cock does not have a ton of. Yeah, real. Not a lot of trunk.

[Gary Heftard]

It's like in porn. You see the girl blowing a guy, and she's got both her hands underneath holding the baby. God bless that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I love. I mean, when the guy. I love it when the guy's, like, trying to put it in and he's holding. He's got a full fist on the bottom. And then as he's trying to put it in, it's bending halfway. He's not at the halfway point with the full fist. If I do the full fist, first thing you're getting is thumb, baby. That's how I roll mine.

[Gary Heftard]

Looks like I'm smoking a joint.

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a roach clip. Yeah. All right. Where were we? One more.

[Brian Bishop]

All right. The U.S. olympic Committee says it'll consider changing Bruce's name to Caitlin in its hall of Fame if that's what she wants. The 1976 Olympic hero was inducted into the hall of fame back in 1986. Now, the Olympic Committee says that if Caitlin wants her name on the honor instead of Bruce, she. She can file a formal request, and they will oblige. Now, there's no word if she's planning to do this, but they wanted to extend the offer. So Caitlin might have won the decathlon.

[Gary Heftard]

They should also change the records to the women's. The records will stand longer.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is sort of a logical extension of what we're talking about here. I wonder if they would do it the other way around.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I have a feeling there'll be an asterisk involved.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, this will be very confusing for people who don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, what do you think? I see. I think, like. And everyone in our society has to. You know, everyone has to go. This is one of those things where guys will argue about this or fight against it, but you just seem. Why. Why bother? There's nothing to do with.

[Brian Bishop]

You burn calories on this. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then also, everyone just kind of thinks you're misogynistic or homophobic or whatever. You're something other than progressive. So it's like, shut. But if it was a chick that won that whatever. And then you wanted to put a dude's name in front of it. I believe that would be another discussion. I don't think it would go over just like, yeah, let them do their thing. I think there'd be like, no, wait a minute now. You got to think about the implications of that. Do you think it would go over as smoothly? I don't know if it's ever going to happen. But if you just want to put the word Neil where the word Cheryl used to be, there'd probably be a discussion.

[Gina Grad]

Well, it was Bruce who won the medals and thus Bruce should be in

[Gary Heftard]

the hall of fame. Right. Because it's like Superman. My kid does not have Clark Kent comic books. He's got Superman comic books. That's the guy who's the hero.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I'm sort of old school on this one too, which is. I don't believe it's close minded to say when you did this, that was your name and this was your gender and that was 30 or 40 years ago. And that's how it is. So now feel free to move on to whatever you're moving on to. But you were not a butterfly then. You were a caterpillar. That's what's in the record books. I wouldn't fight it, but it is a kind of a. I don't know, in a weird way, it's sort of like why we have record books or why we. Why bother keeping track of the past

[Brian Bishop]

if you're going back and changing?

[Ian Edwards]

If.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, that's why we have a record. That's why things are inscribed in stone and, you know, whatever. And in a weird way, historically it's better because. Huh. Everybody should read. If you have Muhammad Ali's yearbook from his senior year high school, it's gonna say Cassius Clay. And that's good, I think. I think it certainly makes it worth more on ebay.

[Ian Edwards]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

But secondly, don't we want to be part of the transition?

[Gary Heftard]

Right. They're not going back and saying. So we don't have to gather up

[Adam Carolla]

all the yearbooks and change the name on them. No. That's who he was. And now he's become. Become this.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah. If Puff Daddy won Grammys, they're not going to go back and change it to, what is it Diddy now?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Or Sean, Sean Combs, who knows? Yeah. It rotates every couple years.

[Gary Heftard]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I'm kind of with. I agree with me. I know it's a courageous.

[Gina Grad]

Give it some careful thought. Both sides consideration.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to go down with me. We're on this one, Brian. We're on the same.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Lu Alcindor is in the UCLA hall of Fame, and he's Cramp Dul Jabar in the NBA hall of Fame. That's.

[Brian Bishop]

So if they wanted to. If Muhammad Ali wanted it to say, Muhammad Ali, that's who I am. You think that they should say, no, you weren't Muhammad Ali when this happened.

[Gina Grad]

If, in fact, he wasn't.

[Brian Bishop]

Exactly. If he wasn't. If he was fighting as Cassius Clay

[Gina Grad]

or whatever, if he was both, then let him choose.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I don't know. First of all, my big thing was I had no idea there was an Olympic hall of Fame before I read the story today.

[Adam Carolla]

There isn't yet. It's not even going to be completed until, like, 2018.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, then we have a few years to figure this out.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now, it would just purely be in the record books. It wouldn't be anywhere yet. Right.

[Gina Grad]

And also in the Baseball hall of Fame, you don't get to choose the cap you wear. They choose the cap you wear. Like, if you're a player who played 10 years for the Yankees and 10 years for the Whoever or Red Sox or whatever, they'll choose the cap you wear.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Gina Grad]

So you don't get to choose your legacy is my point. In other halls of fame.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I agree with Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

We will reconvene in 2028.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Nice. That's why we have records. Keep records and inscribe things so they just are.

[Ian Edwards]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. But on the other hand, who gives a shit? Let's bring it home.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm Gina Grad, and that's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

If I do the full fist, first thing you're getting is thumb, baby.

[Ian Edwards]

Gina.

[Caller/Listener]

Gina.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Gina Grad. Ah, Reverie Bed. Speaking of making sweet, sweet love.

[Gina Grad]

Taking a cold, full fest.

[Adam Carolla]

Reverie Bed. You know, I'll tell you what I'm gonna be doing tonight.

[Gina Grad]

Giving someone the thumb.

[Adam Carolla]

Thumbs up, baby. No, I. Battlebots is back on tv.

[Gina Grad]

Like reruns or new episodes?

[Adam Carolla]

New episodes? No way. What channel? Abc. And I told my son, not since Ziggy the Spinning Bot was kicking the crap out of the other. Or Vlad the Impalex. I said, oh, we're watching. We're watching. When we. When I get home, we're gonna hop on that Reverie bed. He's gonna get his stuffies. I'm gonna tilt that thing up probably about 35, 40 degrees. I'm gonna hit the vibrate mode, and we're gonna watch us some BattleBots. Yeah. Nothing better. Reverie Bed. What did you say to me? You were asking me, Gary Heftard, like you're saying your parents were thinking about squeezing the trigger on one of these Reverie beds.

[Gary Heftard]

Right?

[Ian Edwards]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I said to you, you know, worth it, would you do it again?

[Gina Grad]

Would you?

[Adam Carolla]

If you weren't given one, Would you spend the money on it? Yes. And I said, I. Because I'm not worthy. I'm one of these now. I'm a Corolla. I'm just not worthy. I wouldn't. And I'd be the biggest mistake I ever made in my life because you

[Brian Bishop]

wouldn't think you deserve to have one.

[Adam Carolla]

I bought mattresses, literally, from the Salvation Army. I would buy them used. He basically told me a sane human being of his means would be wildly foolish not to buy one. Well, I said all the time that you spend a third of your life, third last night, and then another hour watching Battlebots and then maybe another hour after that with the thumb. You know what I'm saying?

[Gary Heftard]

An hour.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, you got to get out the pine tar rag.

[Gary Heftard]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Gary Heftard]

There's a lot of prep, 52 minutes of begging.

[Adam Carolla]

The thumb comes out of the crown Royal, sack is exposed. Cheering crowd. There's a lot of pomp and circumstance involved here. Yeah. I told Gary's parents, go get that bed. And by the way, it's not like, well, you wore it out or went stale or anything. You'll use it for the rest of your life. Triple 8, triple 8, 8, 8, 8, 8,. 5990. Or you go to sleep like Adam. Try it out for 101 nights. A no risk trial. Just the best money you'll ever spend. Really? Really. Honestly, people that go, I'm going to buy a timeshare in Florida. You'll never use it. You'll never use it. This you will use every single day. SleepLikeAdam.com is where you go and try it. Free 101 nights. That's how confident they are. Alrighty, Fitz Dog. FitzDog.com is where you go. Live shows. Comedy store here in la, Cleveland, Grand Rapids. And all the details are on the website. Life on Stage, available on Netflix. Also, Fitz Dog radio is where you go for the podcast. And again, fitzdog.com, all the shows, all the live shows, books, what have you. You may go. Dates. June 13th, that's in Hollywood. June 18th through the 20th, that's in Cleveland. And June 25th through the 27th, that's Grand Rapids, Michigan. Let's see Catch Contractor Coming up on Spike. I think that's C. Season three premieres on Father's Day. Mangria Mondays. Oh, pizza port in San Clemente.

[Gina Grad]

I've been there. It's amazing. Great beer and great pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

Had a pizza port pizza today. Actually. Love their ipa. Anyway, they have Mangria specials every. Every Monday. So go down and go to corolledrinks.com find out whenever that is and, and join the cocktail club. Get all the discounts and information and newsletters and all that stuff. Lynette will hit you up and all that kind of stuff. Go to corolladrinks.com join the club. So until next time, Sando Crowley from Fitz Dog, Gina Grad and Bob Bryan saying mahalo. Ah, that's Fox.

[Gary Heftard]

It's just a bunch of colored people screaming at each other.

[Gina Grad]

All right, that was Adam Crawler Show 1589. Never yet before played in the feed.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope you enjoyed that episode.

[Gina Grad]

That does it for this weekend's kroll of classics. Until next week, mahalo and get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe.

[Caller/Listener]

If you know the name of the

[Adam Carolla]

movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy.

[Ian Edwards]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up, Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more. For Showtime's press.

[Caller/Listener]

Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

They're free 24.

[Caller/Listener]

7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so fast on Pluto TV.

[Caller/Listener]

Stream now. Pay Never.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast one Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. Level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro. The power behind the podcast. Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe.

[Caller/Listener]

If you knew the name of the

[Adam Carolla]

movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Welcome to the real world, mean girls. Shut up, Titanic. I'm the key in a way. And so much more. For Showtime's press nothing. They're free 24. 7 that is so effective on Pluto TV stream now pay never. Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile.

[Gary Heftard]

Are you looking for a beach read this summer?

[Adam Carolla]

May I suggest your big wireless build? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat emotional arc and a shock shocking twist where you realize you've been overpaying the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint Story is better. Every plan $15 a month, even unlimited.

[Brian Bishop]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Happy ending, zero tears. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Brian Bishop]

of 45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 or 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. See terms.