Ian Ziering + Yakov Smirnoff (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Ian Ziering & Yakov Smirnoff (Carolla Classics)

Episode Summary | August 9, 2026

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Main Theme & Purpose

This Carolla Classics episode revisits two standout segments from The Adam Carolla Show archive. The first features Ian Ziering and Anthony Ferrante discussing the surprise hit Sharknado, celebrity culture, and life’s minor obsessions. The second centers on Yakov Smirnoff sharing his comedic journey from Soviet Russia to America, the evolution of American society, and candid anecdotes about his career and contemporaries. Through Adam’s signature blend of irreverence, sharp insight, and banter with guests and co-hosts Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop, the show delivers uncensored comedy, engaging stories, and cultural commentary.

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Segment 1: Ian Ziering & Anthony Ferrante – Sharknado, Zucchini Rants, & Celebrity Culture

Timeframe: 01:10–50:53

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Zucchini Diatribe

• Adam launches into an epic, tongue-in-cheek rant about zucchini, calling it a waste of time and a "filler" food lacking flavor or nutrition:
  • “You can fucking deep fry a golf ball. It’s good. … If you cut off my son’s finger, rolled it in breadcrumbs, deep fried it, I would dip it in ranch and it would not be bad.” (03:20)
• The group debates the merits of zucchini and other “filler” foods like celery—Adam admits some value but stands by his disdain.
• Allison chimes in with a love for miniature foods, leading to ribbing about her “ovulating” at the sight of a tiny Tabasco bottle (07:18).

Word Usage & Social Commentary

• Adam observes the use of "boy" to describe Trayvon Martin by progressive voices, while conservative commentators avoid it:
  • “I’ve never heard the left call a black man ‘boy’ more often. … It’s pejorative.” (07:47)
• Allison recognizes the irony, and Adam expands on media habits around racially charged language (08:43).

Adam's Crowdfunding Defense

• Debate over celebrities using Kickstarter-style crowdfunding for personal projects.
  • Adam defends the approach: “If you have fans willing to support what you do, that's the best feeling in the world. … More power to him.” (13:42)
  • He clarifies fan incentives in such campaigns (14:43).
• Brian points out the extent of celebrity charity work, countering critics (16:19).

Inside Hollywood & ‘Blah Blah Blah’ Game

• Adam details the travails of indie filmmaking and the stress of technical decisions—recounting dilemmas from his movie The Hammer (18:00).
• The group plays “Blah Blah Blah,” guessing which celebrity wrote various cringeworthy blog posts:
  • Notable moment: Adam’s critique of celebrity pet blogging—“No one gives a fuck about your dog. They like their dog and you like your dog and that much we understand,” (37:31), with Allison admitting her own dog-centric column.

Celebrity Encounters & Personalities

• Anthony Ferrante and Ian Ziering discuss how Sharknado seemed absurd at first (“a big piece of poop, really,” – Ferrante, 53:40) but became a satisfying, career-reviving phenomenon.
• Behind-the-scenes on “Chippendales” and male revue culture—Ziering gives an insider look, including the grind of the job and stereotypes about the performers (58:47).
• Adam recalls being “workshopped” by Ziering in an acting class—“No, no, no, I should be playing you, dude. I couldn't. It was weird to me that you were playing me because I watch so much of you on TV.” (61:44)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Zucchini:
  “Don’t give me the deep-fried bullshit… you can deep-fry a golf ball.” – Adam Carolla (03:20)
• On Celebrities and Charity:
  “The ultimate charity? Pay shitload in taxes. That’s a charity where everyone wins.” – Adam Carolla (16:05)
• On Jenny McCarthy:
  “She made a movie… Dirty Love… it’s horrible. And if it’s a piece of shit, that’s on you. That means you suck.” – Adam Carolla (79:03)
• On Paparazzi:
  “When Johnny Depp flies into JFK, the paparazzi’s waiting. I fly in, there’s one fat guy waiting…” – Adam Carolla (87:40)

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Important Timestamps

• 03:20: Zucchini rant kicks off
• 07:47: Discussion on “boy” and media race language
• 13:42: Adam’s defense of celebrity crowdfunding
• 18:00: Making The Hammer—establishing shot dilemma
• 34:39: “Blah Blah Blah” celebrity blog guessing game
• 53:40: Anthony Ferrante on first reading Sharknado script
• 58:47: Ian Ziering’s Chippendales experience
• 61:44: Ziering “playing” Adam in acting class
• 79:03: Jenny McCarthy, Dirty Love critique
• 87:40: Paparazzi and celebrity culture

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Segment 2: Yakov Smirnoff – From Soviet Stand-up to Branson, MO

Timeframe: 98:22–end (approx. 179:03)

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Yakov Smirnoff’s Immigration & Comedy Roots

• Yakov describes arriving in the U.S. in 1977 not speaking English; he learned by watching TV and starting over as a performer.
  • “I was watching TV to learn the language. Then I realized it was a Spanish station.” (101:44)
• Early days at the Comedy Store, living above the club with Andrew Dice Clay, crossing paths with Robin Williams, Letterman, Leno, Kinison, Howie Mandel, Jim Carrey, et al.
  • “Mitzi Shore … would rent rooms to different comedians.” (103:29)

Comedy Under Soviet Rule

• Explains the literal “Department of Jokes” censoring comics (107:00).
  • “You would have to stay with the script for a year … you couldn't do what you’re doing here.”
• Advocates the U.S. was never nearly as bad as Soviet Russia—Russian police “didn’t shoot in the air, they’d shoot you” (108:30).

Society, Government, and Human Nature

• Adam and Yakov riff on the “experiment” of communism vs. capitalism, agreeing that freedom and individual ambition always win out (110:16).
• Discussion of how politicians rarely shrink government, drifting inevitably toward bloated bureaucracy (113:58).
• Humorous reflection on why the government grows and the lack of “reeling in” by elected officials.

Bouncing Back: Vegas Fame & Branson Reinvention

• Yakov’s U.S. stardom surges during the Cold War, only to evaporate with the USSR’s collapse.
  • “Six months later, all my contracts were not renewed in Vegas, Atlantic City. I was done.” (116:00)
• Finds new life—and riches—in Branson, Missouri:
  • “They did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed… I am not telling them even now.” (117:49)
  • Owned a 2,000-seat theater, entertaining millions—“You run a theater … 60 people working there…” (119:40)

The Psychology of Laughter in Relationships

• Yakov pivots to discuss his Broadway show, “Happily Ever Laughter,” on laughter’s role in sustaining love (122:03). The segment is light, clever, and features Adam’s trademark blue humor in contrast.

Cultural Transitions & Fame

• Touching on his films with Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, and John Candy.
• On Richard Pryor’s notorious Hollywood Bowl appearance and the difference in media and public backlash in the pre-social-media era (157:28).

Carolla’s Childhood & Observations

• Adam fields audience questions about his working-class upbringing, his parents’ minimal engagement, and how that shaped his independent perspective:
  • “My parents spent little to no calories. They went from a pack of Sweet N’ Low to a rice cake… That’s how they raised their family.” (125:23)
• On how solitude and blue-collar work bred his distinct worldview (128:37).

Philosophy of Religion & Human Impulse

• Adam theorizes most religions exist to suppress sexual impulse, leading to extended riffing on male sexual psychology and the universality (and effects) of boners (167:06).

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Notable Quotes

• On acclimating to America:
  “I learned English the hard way. I was watching TV… realized it was a Spanish station.” – Yakov Smirnoff (101:44)
• On Branson:
  “In Branson they did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed. … I am not telling them even now.” – Yakov Smirnoff (117:49)
• On government:
  “The least funny people from their high school end up running the comedy department.” – Adam Carolla (151:36)
• On sexual impulse:
  “No matter who you are… you’re a dude first and you get a boner. … It’s the spunk trickle-down theory.” – Adam Carolla (167:06)

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Segment Highlights & Timestamps

• 101:44: Yakov on learning English, Comedy Store days
• 107:00: Department of Jokes in the USSR
• 113:58: Adam’s hot take: why government grows
• 117:49: Branson reinvention, “they didn’t know the USSR collapsed”
• 122:03: “Happily Ever Laughter”—comedy and love
• 128:37: How Adam’s blue-collar childhood shaped him
• 167:06: Carolla’s ejaculatory riff: religion, men, and the “spunk trickle-down theory”
• 174:33: Final news—Bradley Manning, sentencing philosophy

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Episode Takeaways

• Classic Carolla: Unfiltered, quick-witted, often R-rated banter, always insightful, with frequent leaps from cultural criticism to bizarre food obsessions, psychology, and relationships.
• Guest Chemistry: Ian Ziering brings good-natured candor about Sharknado’s unexpected success; Yakov Smirnoff is self-effacing, funny, and insightful about the duality of immigrant experience and American comedy.
• Memorable Set Pieces: “Blah Blah Blah” game, the zucchini trial, Chippendales minimal junk debate, and deep dive into the weird economics and culture of Branson theaters.
• Reflective Moments: The group balances crass humor with thoughtful looks at media narratives, language, and the immigrant pursuit of American dreams.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a prime sampler platter of Carolla at his best: raucous, astute, occasionally abrasive, but with a constant current of honesty and curiosity. You'll come away with:

• Backstage stories from major pop culture oddities.
• Ribald humor laced with surprisingly sharp social analysis.
• Candid tales from comedy legends old and new.
• Tangents that build into moments of unexpected truth and lots of laughs.

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For more Carolla classics and ad-free archives, visit adamcarolla.substack.com.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

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[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play with best moments, highlights and fans select the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd like to gain access to the ad free archives of the Adam

[Brian Bishop]

Carolla show, the Adam Dr. Drew show,

[Adam Carolla]

and the newer podcast Beat it out,

[Brian Bishop]

make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcola.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip for us to play here on Corolla Classics, make sure to

[Adam Carolla]

email us classicsamcarolla.com all right, let's get the clips coming up.

[Brian Bishop]

First we have Adam Carolla Show 11 21. Ian Ziering, Anthony Ferrante, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out.

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Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blocks blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

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The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls. Shut up.

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Titanic.

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I'm the king of the world.

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And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

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That is so fast on Pluto TV.

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Stream now. Pay Never.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bald Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

You look like you've been chowing box man.

[Anthony Ferrante]

I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary, I forgot to tell you. Before the show, somebody tweeted me something on KTLA where the guy was making fun of me.

[Brian Bishop]

That was me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was you. Sorry. Well, no, a few people tweeted it

[Brian Bishop]

to me, but I believe I was first.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go with Brian as being the first. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause that's so Brian. To tweet you something of someone making fun of you.

[Adam Carolla]

He's only so protective.

[Brian Bishop]

I will give you the reason.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was fine with me.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, no, no, it was my friend Rich De Mero who had done the story, who'd actually interviewed you. College buddy. Yeah, I was roommates staying the same room. And now his wife and my wife were best friends in high school, so we have that connection there. But anyway, he did the story and there was some cross talk at the end of his segment. He does a tech segment, syndicated. There's some cross talk with other anchor who was like, why is Adam asking for my money? And they got into a debate and Rich is like, well, a lot of celebrities are doing. It's kind of a thing that people are doing.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. It was interesting.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Maybe we'll.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll find it for you. We'll whack it up or something. But, God, I have so many thoughts. First off, pumped about Shark Nation. Secondly, sharknado. Sharknado, Sorry. Secondly, sweeping the shark Nation. Yes, some wild thoughts. A lot of range here. First, I just thought to myself when I was eating dinner tonight, I don't need zucchini. I don't need it anymore. I don't need it.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'm done.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need it. And listen, look, don't give me the deep fried bullshit. You can fucking deep fry a golf ball. It's good. You know what I mean? Like, oh, you never had the zucchini when it's, you know, it's put in breadcrumbs and then they deep fry it, and then you put it in the dipping sauce, you dip it in ranch. If you cut off my son's finger, you rolled it in breadcrumbs, you deep fried it. I would dip it. I would dip it in ranch and it would not be bad.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a waste of my time. Obviously, there's a psychological ele that would be difficult.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll cast it if the ranch is good enough.

[Adam Carolla]

If it'd be difficult. Well, obviously for the first couple, or at least eight or so, it'd be weird. But eventually.

[Brian Bishop]

Would you nibble it like you would like a wing, like, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'd work on it. Yeah. I'm just saying.

[Brian Bishop]

Or maybe corn.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't give me the fucking. And don't even give me the. You know, soaked in olive oil overnight with the balsamic vinegar and the fresh ground pepper, thinly sliced on the barbecue. Because it's basically a substrate. It's something that you attach good tasting stuff to, but it's not really good on its own. It's not even up cucumbers. Mock zucchini in the flavor department. And then people do this. Well, what about the zucchini? You ever had zucchini someone twice. What about zucchini chocolate cake? It's like zucchini bread. That's chocolate cake.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And then. Yes, you can do carrot zucchini. You can do anything as a sort of a binder and a base and a substrate. But it's really all the sugar and all the flour and all the deep frying or all the sweetening or all the whatever that makes.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I was. It's weird that you say zucchini bread because I literally was thinking about zucchini bread like, yesterday. What is the point of carrot bread and zucchini bread? Is it just showing off? Is it just saying, hey, look, we can take these things and put them in cake?

[Anthony Ferrante]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's worse for you than real bread or real pound cake? Yes, it's calorically worse.

[Brian Bishop]

All I can think is that carrots are super high in sugar for a vegetable, so maybe that's why they do the carrot cake.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying let's all just, you know, while we're reflecting on our racial tensions, think about zucchini.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, let's start a dialogue about zucchini.

[Adam Carolla]

As long as we're in a reflective mode. We don't get into that mode that often as a nation. Let's just think about the zucchini. Let's think about how much room it takes up in our garden, on our store shelves, in the produce department, and in our lives and our crispers. And not only the crispr in the fridge, but the one.

[Allison Rosen]

But in my soul.

[Adam Carolla]

In your soul. Your soul's crispr use up a lot. There's plenty of foods like the lonely beet who just never seems to get the respect or love and has the

[Brian Bishop]

good sense to grow underground.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I'm not even here. You guys go about.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't mind me, don't mind me. I'm just a beet.

[Adam Carolla]

Go about your business. Yeah, I got the crazy colored new brother. I don't know where he came from, the weird orange one.

[Brian Bishop]

He's cool, man. He's cool.

[Adam Carolla]

So I just thought, I don't like them. Like, they get cut up and thrown into everything I'm eating. And I just realized they're cheap, they're abundant, and they're using up space. They're just fucking using up filler. They're filler. There's nothing. First off, no dietitian says you gotta eat more zucchini. You never see a commercial where it's like, this multivitamin has more B and zinc than zucchini. I think we just like the word zucchini. Yeah, I think beet sounds bad. Sounds like violence. LAPD opened up On a black motorist. It doesn't sound good. Zucchini sounds, you know, I don't know, it's got almost sounds like bikini and Zeus or something. We don't need zucchinis. Listen, I honestly, I say or ukulele. And look, you can find something else to deep fry and I can put it in dipping sauce. I just don't need the. I don't need it.

[Allison Rosen]

This is gonna blow your mind, Adam. But there's baby zucchini. But I actually like full size if I have to choose. I don't like baby zucchini. And you'd think I would.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're so all over the road in your miniature food. Dang. That I don't even want to come close to you anymore because you scare me.

[Allison Rosen]

You do not want to see me around a tiny bottle of Tabasco sauce. I ovulate.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you have to use the tiny bottle on the tiny corn and tiny beans?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you can't use full size. You can't mix those.

[Adam Carolla]

Now just to show I have range. The other thing I was thinking about all day is I was listening to Jesse Jackson call Trayvon Martin a boy. And then I realized I've never heard the left call a black man boy more often. Cause usually be young man, teen.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, usually boy is disrespectful.

[Adam Carolla]

It's pejorative. You don't call black males boy. You try to just kind of stay away from the word boy and black male.

[Brian Bishop]

Not to their faces.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah, obviously we got our own thing going on. You're in the meetings. But it's the funniest thing ever. Because the guys on the right, who traditionally are more. Way less racially sensitive, will not call Trayvon Martin a boy. Cuz they have an agenda. They call him a young man. Jesse Jackson's calling him a boy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's the craziest thing ever. Because everyone on the left who hasn't used the word boy as it pertained to a Black male in 25 years never stops calling him boy. And no one on the right who probably refers to their. Any black people they know who work around the house as boy will never use boy.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a really interesting observation. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause it's weird. Like, why is Jesse Jackson called a black male boy? And then I realized, oh, you have to keep. Yeah, you can't say young adult or young, you know, teenager. He's never been called a teenager. There's no one on the left that's called him a teenager. He's a teenager. He's 17 years old. You would always describe them as teens or this teenage. Teenage boy or teenager, young adult or whatever. High schooler. It's just boy. It's a boy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you're so right.

[Adam Carolla]

I tap into those things when I'm not thinking about zucchini.

[Brian Bishop]

No one's called him a teenager.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody on the left has. No one on the left who has an agenda, has called. And that's most the people have been reporting on the left. No one calls him a young man and rarely teen, but boy a lot boy.

[Brian Bishop]

Heavy on boy today.

[Adam Carolla]

Heavy on boy. Right, because that paints a better picture of what he's trying to do.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you spend more time thinking about this or zucchini, though?

[Adam Carolla]

I was about equal. It was about equal. Little more on zucchini. And then because someone tweeted me, you know, what about upside down zucchini, pineapple fudge cake? It was like, oh, shut the fuck up. You get that? You grading it into something that already was and is fantastic. Don't give me that bullshit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's a waste of your time.

[Adam Carolla]

Because, look, I could take zucchini and work it into lasagna. I could work it into a chocolate. I could work it into almost anything.

[Allison Rosen]

That's your point. That's why you hate it. It has no personality or taste.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no. Have you ever seen a human being sitting around eating a zucchini? I knew your fucking hand would go up. Dawson, I just.

[Ian Ziering]

I can't hear this anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't hear this. Don't go, please.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you dip it in guacamole?

[Adam Carolla]

Never seen. I've seen more people.

[Ian Ziering]

Well, not raw.

[Adam Carolla]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

My championship. I have sold my chariot on Carvana. Twas a lovely suv, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up. Fees may apply.

[Adam Carolla]

Mom, can you tell me a story?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Sure. Once upon a time, a mom needed a new car.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she brave?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

She was tired, mostly. But she went to Carvana.com and found a great car at a great price. No secret treasure map.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have to fight a dragon?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Nope. She bought it 100% online from her bed, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it scary?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Honey, it was as unscary as car buying could be.

[Allison Rosen]

Did the car have a sunroof?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

It did, actually. Okay, good story. Car buying. You'll want to tell stories. About? Buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply.

[Ian Ziering]

You don't eat a raw zucchini, but you can totally quarter it long ways.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Now, olive oil on it, salt and barbecue. All right.

[Ian Ziering]

What's wrong with that?

[Adam Carolla]

I stand corrected.

[Ian Ziering]

What's wrong with that? That's still. You're eating zucchini.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That you've quartered and barbecued and salted and oiled and whatever.

[Ian Ziering]

What don't you do that with?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, listen. Tomatoes. You cut up and you put them over your salad. Your precious, beloved avocado. You cut and you just put it over the salad. You just. There's many things you could. Carrots, celery. You can just eat as they are.

[Ian Ziering]

And the other thing about people just liking to say zucchini, I already went

[Adam Carolla]

through that fucking grill angle, but go ahead.

[Ian Ziering]

You go into the grocery store. What do they call it now? They don't call it zucchini. They call it Italian squash.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck that. Fuck that zucchini.

[Ian Ziering]

Sorry, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Days are numbered here. Okay, someone put that sign up. Next two days. Since we've had an accident, for how many days Dawson has.

[Allison Rosen]

Here, are you guys gonna sit here and stand up for celery?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I.

[Brian Bishop]

Look, celery's okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Celery is celery.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, let me tell you this. Celery's necessary for certain things. Like tuna salad is much better when you take celery and do it up. And by the way, celery's like, older, greener, gristled. You know, Grandpa who lives on the outside, not so good. But the young, nubile virgin on the inside, look, the buster, honey.

[Brian Bishop]

Crispy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, crispy.

[Allison Rosen]

Crispy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Much, much lighter shade.

[Allison Rosen]

It's miniature food, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. We have the tech report from ktla, and I'm not pissed off by it. I thought it was an interesting. Interesting debate, Rich. You know what? I've always had a hard time wrapping around fundraising and the Kickstarter and that. And it's not dependent on Adam Carolla, but he just this morning, was the poster child for what I believe is wrong with this. Because what it does is, is it gives a person who's basically well to do in life at third. It gives them a place to beg for money. Adam Carolla should not be coming and begging me for money. He should be giving money. You know, Rich, do you want to

[Brian Bishop]

weigh in before he admit that strategy? It's a.

[Adam Carolla]

It's putting awesome technology to good use. Not just Adam Carolla could do this Anyone in the world can do this. That's amazing. Plus, it goes to show that if you have fans out there that are willing to support what you do for a living, that's the best feeling in the world. So fans are willing to give him a million bucks. More power to him.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but here's the problem with that. Is he already. And he said it himself, which I never knew, that he did a movie, it was a flop. So he said, I'm not putting my money into this one, but I want you to put your money into this. He's not investing his own into this. But the movie was not a flop. It was critically. It was critically acclaimed. But in the big Hollywood studio world, and that's, you know, they look at these weird things, things that, you know,

[Anthony Ferrante]

big ten movies that cost $300 million are a flop.

[Adam Carolla]

His movie was a flop, but it was actually a great movie. I watched the thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Shouldn't he.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how he lost money that. I don't get the idea. But I think. How about getting the money to make a wish Foundation? Not to Adam. Adam Kolla wants a pony. Go buy your own pony. All right, you two. I think, listen, it's hard to argue with. Why not give the money to make a Wish Foundation?

[Brian Bishop]

He makes a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

A couple things first, a lot of people don't realize is you spend money and then you get a Blu Ray before the movie comes out, and you get a T shirt and things like that, and you work your way all the way up. Depending on what you want to do,

[Brian Bishop]

there's incentives for your fundraising campaign.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an element. It's not exactly analogous, but you have a band you like. You like the Gallagher Brothers. Fuck yeah. You like Oasis. So first things first. If they're going to play the Staples center, you don't have to go. We don't have to spend money. We're not fast.

[Allison Rosen]

I never would.

[Adam Carolla]

You never would. But you do want to go. So you would like to go. So you now check your budget. What do you have? Do you have $35 for tickets or do you have $1,500 for tickets? You want to sit up front and get some of Noel and Liam's sweat?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, that would be fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Their hepatitis soaked sweat on your bald head. Then you can pay $1,500 and you can stand up there and stare up at their prodigious nut sack. Or you can be in the rafters, or you can be somewhere in between. The prices will probably go up or go down as you start heading up toward the rafters. Or then not go at all.

[Allison Rosen]

But they're so rich. Why aren't they just performing for free?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no. Or collect the money and then giving the money the thing. Yes. I do plenty of charitable events, number one. Number two, as I've said, all time. The ultimate charity, pay shitload and taxes. That's a charity where everyone wins.

[Brian Bishop]

Back up one second. Every celebrity I ever heard of does an insane, disproportionate, let's say disproportionate amount of charitable work versus the average person. Like, gigs for free. Stand up. Can you do stand up at my fundraiser or can you do whatever? And it's always. Everyone who comes in here is always doing something for free.

[Allison Rosen]

Celebrities really are the best people.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'm not saying that.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm just saying it's disproportionate to the average person who's like, they should do this. It's like, well, what are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, the average celebrity. Because they can.

[Brian Bishop]

Because they have time and they pay for whatever can help.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what the average adult in the US In a lifetime in modern times physically contributes or raises or does the 10Ks for breast cancer. I have a buddy who used to ride for his dad was claimed by cancer. And I would sponsor. He would hit me up to sponsor him for the ride to San Francisco or whatever it was. And he raised a good bit of money, but not what George Clooney's raised or whoever. It's true. Well, anyway, look, celebrities aren't heroes. Here's what I did. My first movie, we got about 850k together to make this movie, and we barely made it. And then at a certain point, they closed the movie.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that the same as wrapped?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, when the movie gets close. No, not wrapped. When the film gets closed, it costs a lot to reopen it. And I don't know how to technically explain it. This was filmed. Something drove me insane, like, it's finalized,

[Allison Rosen]

so you can't go back and make any changes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, it's final print edition, and that's that. And we did that. And my editor and my director fucking did the thing that no one should ever do to me, which is we watched it. Howard Stern and Beth sitting right behind me. Tribeca. And it was great. It was a glorious night. Big theater. There's 8, 900 people in there and everyone laughing. And it was really, really great. And there's one scene that bothered me and the scene that bothered Me was we went from the nighttime where we were stealing lumber so that I could build a deck for my lady friend to impress her before she got back from Seattle to try to entice her to stay at her house. Turns out she was renting the house, but we found that out later. But I wanted to build the deck and I didn't have any money. And I ended up ripping off the wood from the old construction site with the asshole boss who owed us anyway. And me and Ozzie went there at night to rip it off. And then it cut to the Jane lynch scene where it's me and Jane Lynch. Whatever happened to her? Me and Jane lynch inside the osh, you know, the Home Depot at night. But we went right from there to there. And I said, we need an exterior shot, we need an establishing shot. Because it seems weird that this could be the next day, it could be the following morning. It seems weird to be inside, all the lights are on and everything. We need to know it's that night. Where's my exterior? It should be exterior shot, truck pulling up or exterior shot, truck parked and that big OSH sign in the background. And then you cut inside and it's mean, it's literally a two or three second exterior establishing shot. Because now I'm confused. I'm bumped. I don't know what day it is or what. I don't know if it's further on into that same night or the next day. So then the editor and the director said, you know, the problem is. I said, what? All the shots we have the truck is in the shot with the asch in the background. I said, that's good, that's good, that's what we need. And he said, we didn't have the lumber hanging out of the back of the truck. We had you and Ozzie load up the lumber in the back of the truck and you took off. And now we got the back of the truck and you can clearly see the back of the truck and ash and there's no lumber. So it's going to bump people. Like, where'd the lumber go? You know? And I'm like, fuck, fuck. God damn it, why didn't we think of that shit we shot on different days or something. Fuck, we should have done that, God damn it. And I was like, but we need that exterior establishing shot. And I said, do we, do we have one where we just have the ash at least like tied on the ash at night, you know, or just pulled back a little bit without the truck? No, we just all of them have the truck and all. And they show the bed and they show the bed and there's no wood in them. I said, fuck. And I said, what I always do. Let me just see. I'll. Let me just see all the selects. Let me see all the selects. I just got to see them. I just have to make sure. Got to the third one. Nice shot of the cab of the truck with osh in the background. Like, thank you. Are you, by the way, are you lying to me? Yeah, that was my question.

[Allison Rosen]

Were they.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. People get going in a certain direction, and that direction is usually somewhere between fuck off and don't bother me, or like, it's kind of a no direction. You know that thing with the guy behind the counter? It's just like, no, no. And then you go, well, yeah, what we expect. Except every time I try to get into the captain's lounge, I'm pulling out things from. I have a first class. No sir. I have a frequent flyer. No, I have a pass and a gold membership. And then as I'm reaching for something, they're going, it's like, whatever it is you pull out of your pocket, we're gonna say, no. It's gonna. Because I'm on a no roll. It fucking drives me nuts. So I'm like, well, Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

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[Adam Carolla]

Now. This exterior establishment shot needs to be in this movie. And they're like, well, it's gonna be 20,000 dol to open up this movie, and we are out of money. Do you want to pay? And then I was like, yes, I do, because it's very important that it will drive me insane. And there's a couple other things I want to do. So open it up. And then the prints. This is Super 16 on film. I think the prints to go to movie theaters were like 16 grand each or something.

[Brian Bishop]

And I don't think a lot of film, I don't think a lot of theaters were doing digital projection back then. This is 2006, if I remember.

[Adam Carolla]

2007. Yeah. Not really in all of the theaters

[Brian Bishop]

like it is now.

[Adam Carolla]

I ended up paying a bunch tens of thousands of dollars to make prints to open the film up. To do things. And not to mention just all of the, you know, glad handing and just going to the. Go to the theaters on Friday nights and sit with everybody and all that stuff. But, yeah, so I did spend my money, even though I didn't fund the film, as it were.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, you said that your director and producer did that thing that no one should ever do to you. Which thing was that specifically?

[Adam Carolla]

Just go, yeah, we don't have that. That's not gonna work. And this is why. Because I'll always stop and go, let me see all of those things. And say to me when flood takes out the whole building or something, but not when there's a computer with all the cuts on it that I can go, show me the cuts. Because I'm not calling you a liar, but it's just gonna fucking drive me nuts.

[Brian Bishop]

I made that mistake. Alison, when I first met Adam and I was screening calls for Loveline, Adam, I can't bring my girlfriend to orgasm. Show me.

[Adam Carolla]

Show me. Prove it. Bitch.

[Brian Bishop]

Took me by surprise.

[Adam Carolla]

So the other thing is, I've learned in a weird way, I'm not Name of the next book should be I'm not calling you a liar, but

[Pluto TV Announcer]

we're

[Adam Carolla]

having a funny conversation because me and Ray were doing Ace on the house, and Ray has a tip segment, and he said, I have a title for my household tip segment. It's called just the tip. And I said, that's funny. And he said, yeah, it is. And I said, is that yours? And he said, yeah, it is. I said, mean, you thought of it? Yep, it's mine. Nobody else told you that to call it that? Well, somebody tweeted me that. Yeah. I said, okay, well, now I can rest. I can sleep. And then Matt Fondelier reminded me the time he walked in wearing shoes that I didn't approve of. And I said, what's up with your shoes? And he said, nothing. And I said, where'd you get the shoes? And he goes, they're my shoes. I said, what's up? What's going on with the shoes? Just shoes. Just wearing the shoes. Whose shoes are those shoes? They're my dad's. I said, okay, now I can rest.

[Unknown Guest]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I can sleep tonight. Yep. Then I saw. You know, it's like I always say, when I saw Lynette asking me where the rubbing compound was so she'd get the scuff out of her Audi. That one I grabbed onto with both hands and feet, I was like, what? No, I need to know more. It's not just because so I profile everyone. I do things, I line them up, and then once they do anything that's out of the ordinary. In Ray's case, it was being clever. It jumps out and slaps me across the face. And then even when they.

[Brian Bishop]

I was having a hard time with

[Allison Rosen]

the camera, it was the wrong time to take a shot.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's someone I went to high school with being clever, you know? And then when they go, that's mine, that's not enough. Like the director and the editor going, we do not have that shot.

[Unknown Guest]

Not.

[Adam Carolla]

Not nearly enough.

[Allison Rosen]

See, it's interesting because you complain about people asking you a question and then doing another lap.

[Adam Carolla]

I do.

[Allison Rosen]

And yet when you do it, you usually ferret out the information that you knew was there.

[Adam Carolla]

Because when I'm hit with an impulse to ask about my assistant's shoes or my wife getting the rubbing compound out, which is one of those sounds better than it is things, or Ray coming up with a clever quip, once it hits, all it does is hit me. And when it hits me, it's like, no, this. Something's up. And I don't know why I'm that way. I don't try. I hope things don't hit me. I try to avoid things. But when they hit the idea that my citizen just came in wearing shoes and I wouldn't accept his answer of these are my shoes, which you normally would accept from people when they're wearing shoes.

[Allison Rosen]

What was it about these shoes that were so non matte?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. There wasn't even. It wasn't even that. It wasn't that egregious. It wasn't like Fred McMurray wingtips or anything. And he was wearing shorts. It was just. I just saw the shoes. And they bumped you. It bumped me. It just bumped me. I don't know. He could, I don't know, find a picture of it or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, who.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of shoes. All right, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

No, who does the Israeli profiling?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I don't know.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Not at all.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah. Oh, yeah, right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

Them. You're like them.

[Brian Bishop]

Klm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we'll figure it out. Yeah, the Israeli military police. Yeah, I should be standing in an Israeli airport right now. Oh, I just pictured the vending machines there. I don't know what comes out of this thing's hummus. It just squirts out.

[Brian Bishop]

That'd be great.

[Adam Carolla]

So you don't find zucchini in a vending machine. All right, lastly, talking about feet, I came home from the podcast last Night, and I walked into my bedroom. Those were the shoes, right? Those are just generic white tennis shoes.

[Brian Bishop]

They are borderline old man shoes, though. The unisex was right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, no, no. But the point is, they're white and blue tennis shoes. They don't feel young, but they're still a tennis shoe that's white and blue. It's not a weird. They're not orthopedic shoes.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

With a socked foot inside of them. There is minimal blue. There's like a stripe of blue. There's a lot of blue here.

[Adam Carolla]

There's blue heel. There's blue heel. I appreciate the shitting part.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I'm making your point for it,

[Adam Carolla]

which is there's a blue that looks. It looks. I'm saying it looks. It looks like a regular tennis shoe. You guys can check it [e-mail] so it wasn't the kind of thing you'd want to hunker down on, but I did.

[Allison Rosen]

And you were right.

[Adam Carolla]

I was right. That's my point. So now you guys tell me about this. I come walking into the bedroom last night, and Lynette is filling her friend Jody in on all the details. Wedding.

[Unknown Guest]

Because

[Adam Carolla]

she wanted to hear all the dirt. All the details and all the people and all the celebrities and all. Everything that was going on at Jimmy's wedding, which I completely understand. And I walk in the bedroom, and the girls are just laying there. The kids are out with the nanny. And I look up and I look at Jody, and I look down, and I notice she's on my side of the bed and her bare feet are on top. And I thought, on top of the

[Allison Rosen]

covers or like, on top of the head.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not where my head would be. She's laying on my side and the sheets and the comforter kind of jostled about. She's kicked her. Whatever's off, Right. And I thought, hmm. I brought it up. I said, much to Lynette's delight, interrupting her Beth Stern story with what's the tootsies doing on my bed? And she said, is that that bad? And I said, I don't know anymore. I feel like it didn't exist, and now it's just ubiquitous, and we're just gonna have to get used to it. And I said, not as bad as this. Like when Sarah Silverman. There's a few other people would come over and do the podcast. They're chicks. Guys don't sit this way normally unless they're super west side Wafy, but because there's like a Little too much meat in the thigh for it. But some chicks sit where they put their feet up, tuck their feet up under them, and they literally just put their feet on your sofa or on your whatever. And like you just walked in from the parking lot and presumably you're walking around those shoes all day and you're essentially standing on my sofa and your shoes. Seems weird. Like. Seems like you could put your feet somewhere. Then you could also do the side. If you want to do the side. I'm talking soles down on sofa, like tucked up underneath.

[Allison Rosen]

I like what you mean. How can that be comfortable? But also, now you're stepping on the couch.

[Adam Carolla]

But isn't it weird when you're sitting next to owner or owners of couch, you just go, hey, now I'm just gonna pull my feet up here and just put them on the. Would you like me to place a pillow on the floor? And then you could rest your feet on the pillow. So I said

[Carvana Ad Voice]

it's not a.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a. Not an attack, but I feel like you're bare feet on someone else's beds a little, little bit. I'm not a germ guy. It's more of a. It's the thought that counts. Where are you guys at? What would you guys feel about.

[Allison Rosen]

How clean were the feet?

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody's.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I imagine these are probably clean pedicured feet.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Evening.

[Adam Carolla]

Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car. I'll be moving in. Let's get started.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana.

[Anthony Ferrante]

You what?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Yeah, Great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it.

[Adam Carolla]

So there's no.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyers rejoice.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Buyers rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven day return [e-mail].

[Adam Carolla]

they're nice, but they're walking around all day in like flip flops, like they're exposed to the elements Feet, if you sort of think about it now, they're not sweaty inside a high top feet. But I'm just saying if you came home and someone else's feet were on your side of the bed. Any thoughts?

[Allison Rosen]

If you came home and someone else was on my side of the bed, I think I would actually not be so super thrilled with that.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't be thrilled about being in someone else's bed either. There's a certain element of the pillow, smells like their hair kind of vibe. You know what I'm talking about being

[Brian Bishop]

in public is weird, but I feel like of all the places to expose feet, the bed is one of the more appropriate. Also, the top of the bed, where your head goes, called the head. And the bottom of the bed is called what?

[Ian Ziering]

The foot.

[Brian Bishop]

The foot of the bed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but it's your foot.

[Brian Bishop]

It's called your foot of the bed.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called your foot of the bed. So make a big deal of it. I just think the feet, the ubiquitous bare feet thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, very. Where are you with socked feet? And now, here's why I ask. Because when we did. You know, we've done many a podcast at your house, and you have the couch that has the Shays part of it, and I was sitting on that side of it, and so my feet were up on the couch, but I kicked off my shoes and I was just in my socks because I felt like that is less rude than having my feet up on the couch.

[Adam Carolla]

Agreed. Look, there's no science. There's zero science behind this. It's socked feet I'm okay with. Okay, Bare feet I don't give a shit about either. But like I said, when I'm flying in the airplane and the guy two rows in front of me has him up on basically just above the window, and I think some gun is going to have to close that shade and open that shade, and your fucking feet are up there. But where did it start? Started in the men's room with guys opening the door with their foot up top.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting their weird piss foot up on the fucking push thing.

[Ian Ziering]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. What the heck do we got here? Oh, we got blah, blah, blah. All right, let's do that. I'm gonna turn. I'm gonna turn the air on. It's getting hot in here. You fire it up.

[Ian Ziering]

It's time for Blah, blah, blah, the game where we match the celebrities with their retarded online rant.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's play.

[Brian Bishop]

You're just in time.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like I'm in danger of sneezing and coughing and farting all at the same time. And I just want to apologize in advance. I don't know, something's gonna explode inside me.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's allergies.

[Brian Bishop]

This is quite a day for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone's got it bad for Eying, huh? I mean, we all love the 90210, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I did love that show. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that show.

[Ian Ziering]

It's too bad we're not doing TiVo. That could be your buzzing instead of Your name. You could just fart.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, go there.

[Ian Ziering]

I take my beloved dog George with me almost everywhere I go. The bond I have with George is not unique. Like me, countless Canadians share their homes and lives with pets they consider to be part of the family. We know that they have individual personalities and quirks. George loves apples, for example. And they feel both physical and mental pain. That's why I was so heartened to learn that Canada is taking steps toward improving the treatment of animals in the food supply. Is it Ryan Gosling, Alanis Morissette, or Robin Wright Penn?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like the person popping from Canada.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. Well, shit. I know certain things. Oh, no, Robin. Hmm?

[Ian Ziering]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Is she Canadian?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that the thing that you know?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no. I. No, no. Robin Wright Penn. Is she still a pen. Aren't they divorced? I'm pretty sure they're been like six years or something. All right. Lannis Morissette. Oh, man, everyone's such a blowhard. I hated that fucking Drive. They're not doing a sequel to Drive, are they?

[Brian Bishop]

They're doing another movie, but not a sequel Drive, just a totally separate film.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, what are the things you know? Or is that for you to know and us to find out?

[Adam Carolla]

That piece of shit on HBO or one of the pay stations so I can make fun of it? Please. Never shows up.

[Brian Bishop]

I would like it for it to come on, too, for opposite reasons. I'd like it to come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, so you can get some sleep. All right. No, yeah, listen. Fucking tenement slum has four high paying jobs. Jesus Christ. There's a fucking wheel man. He can't afford a two bedroom apartment.

[Brian Bishop]

Some tax free.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what do you guys think? Anything?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm trusting my first instinct and I'm going with Awanis. Although part of me feels like it might be Robin Wright.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm ruling out Gosling because he works a lot and probably doesn't have the free time. I think Alanis Morrison has more free time to blog. That's what I'm saying. Alanis.

[Adam Carolla]

What is it with the. I know it's a form of crazed narcissism, whether it's on the airplane or you're blogging about your pet like no one gives a fuck about your dog. They like their dog and then you like your dog and that much we understand.

[Allison Rosen]

Smiling because I have a syndicated column that's frequently about my dog. But you're right, no one cares about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, you're trying to entertain them.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Using your dog as a vessel.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna Robin Wright pen.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause I don't know what the fuck she's doing on there.

[Ian Ziering]

The blog belongs to Ryan Gosling.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Really can do it all if only.

[Allison Rosen]

I see and I feel like I should. Is George a puggle? I feel like George is a puggle. I should have known this.

[Adam Carolla]

Who. What the fuck? Kind of. Pardon the pun, animal would.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

What?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Of kind.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of straight. He's the perfect man writing about his fucking dog.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't even know he was Canadian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all right. Big goose egg.

[Ian Ziering]

I think zucchini is awesome. I think if there's one vegetable to go, it should be the Brussels sprout.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

This is an attack. Keep going. I was kidding.

[Ian Ziering]

The sport of wrestling.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought the zucchini you just tacked on, but I thought it had to do with something.

[Ian Ziering]

The sport of wrestling received some terrific news from the International Olympic Committee. Olympic wrestling is being recommended as one of three sports to be accepted provisionally in the Olympics for 2020 and beyond. The international wrestling community is both jubilant and grateful for the executive board's decision. We have been busy for the past several months, but this fight is not over. We have survived the first round, but we have a long way to go. The vote in Buenos Aires in September is one that will determine our ultimate fate. Wrestling enthusiasts around the should not take this vote for granted.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Who.

[Adam Carolla]

Who was the dumb fuck who first suggested we need to get rid of one of the founding sports of the Olympics? And then with all the rhythmic gymnastics and BMX shit like coming in, it's all sorts of shit like that. Why take one of the pillars and

[Brian Bishop]

one of the easiest and cheapest to produce. It's not like you have to have all the equipment or referees.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's a Matt and a referee. I have no. It's the weirdest thing in the world, isn't it?

[Brian Bishop]

Very strange. You're right about the original thing. The heritage is what should keep it even if it's a French sport.

[Adam Carolla]

Grandfathered in. All right, anyway.

[Ian Ziering]

Well, it's gonna be a Baldwin. Is it Alec, William or Steven?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I have a little insight. So I'm going last.

[Allison Rosen]

I have zero insight.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll be into it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, at one point I knew because I feel like this was in my news at one point or it was potentially going to be. I'm going Steven.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll go Steven as well. Why would wrestling choose. Nevermind, Steven.

[Adam Carolla]

Billy.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh no.

[Ian Ziering]

What's the blog belongs to Billy Baldwin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I heard somewhere through because I hang out with guys who wrestle that he was, you know. Or maybe somebody tweeted me or something like I gotta get on with all these guys that are.

[Allison Rosen]

You didn't hear it in my news and I just forgot it.

[Adam Carolla]

Could have. I just. I heard it somewhere but they. But they all grew up sort of doing it in that kind of town and whatever and so it still could have been all of them. All right, Ace got one. And here we go.

[Ian Ziering]

To all my friends in Turkey. I am with you. We are with you. You are so right to resist the forces of autocracy and repression. It doesn't matter who they are. Every time a man or a woman or a child takes to the streets and stands up for human rights, for self determination, for democracy, for mistress liberty, the rest of the world is in debt. We are not physically with you in the water cannons fire or in the tear glass clouds. But we're with you in spirit.

[Adam Carolla]

Dakota Fanning.

[Ian Ziering]

We applaud your stand for. We know it is not easy. Is it Bono, Pink Floyd's Roger Waters or Sting?

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. What's going on in Turkey? Unrest.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, probably.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. Government, can't be the people. Not much.

[Unknown Guest]

I know. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

This is just a fucking murderous row of international blowhardism.

[Brian Bishop]

This is right up all of their alleys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now I know lynch probably put fucking Roger Waters on there because he'd know I'd be attracted to him.

[Brian Bishop]

Very Lynchy.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems very Bono ass. So it can't be Bono.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm doing that too. Should I not be doing that?

[Adam Carolla]

Not with Lynch.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I was gonna go Waters. Because the other ones, it's just too perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No. Well, it could be perfect. I'm going Bono. Fuck it. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car. I'll be moving in. Let's get started.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana.

[Anthony Ferrante]

You what?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Yeah. Great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it.

[Adam Carolla]

So there's no.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

No.

[Anthony Ferrante]

No.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Buyer's remorse, more like. Buyers rejoice.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Buyers rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our 7 day return [e-mail].

[Adam Carolla]

i've been burned too many times by outthinking myself.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm going to Sting because he's the baldest.

[Ian Ziering]

Okay, once again you have out thought yourself.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Wait, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Roger Waters.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Ian Ziering]

I swear I thought I heard your friend to give an answer. I am sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, what'd you think you heard her say?

[Ian Ziering]

Yeah, she said Bono.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, fuck it. Bono.

[Ian Ziering]

The blog belongs to Roger Waters.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking Lynch.

[Allison Rosen]

I heard Matt. I heard myself say that. That was who I wanted to go for that.

[Ian Ziering]

That's my bad. You get no points.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no mulligans and there's no takeies.

[Allison Rosen]

Are there give backs?

[Adam Carolla]

No give back.

[Allison Rosen]

Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus, this is. This is rough.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it? Finders keepers.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no slices, there's no ropeys and there's no takeies and there's no cuts

[Allison Rosen]

and there's no butts and there's no coconuts.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, chicken butts.

[Allison Rosen]

I remembered the joke that I prefer to the dictator one, which is, what's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your throat.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

I said it before, but it's always good.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. All right, Drop. Saw that on a Dixie Riddle cup back when times were simpler.

[Ian Ziering]

It was on the bottom of a push up.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, my dad taught me that. Not really.

[Adam Carolla]

Had to figure it out. In the camp of a lucky logger,

[Ian Ziering]

right at the heart of Edward Snowden's decision to expose the NSA's massive phone and Internet spying programs, was a fundamental belief in the people's right to know. From the state's point of view, he committed a crime. From his point of view and the view of many others, he has sacrificed for the greater good because he knows people have the right to know what the government is their name. And legal or not, he saw what the government was doing as a crime against the people and our rights. Is it Richard Branson, John Cusack, or Adrian Grenier?

[Allison Rosen]

I have a guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, what is it?

[Allison Rosen]

Grenier.

[Brian Bishop]

Why would Branson be so concerned about. Well, what goes on in this country?

[Adam Carolla]

He's a citizen of the world and beyond the space solar system.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, Grenier's really fashioned himself into an activist now. So I'm gonna say Adrian Grenier as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Copier, maybe. Mmm. Shit. Now, let's see. I'm up one. We're heading into the championship rounds. Put a little distance between my rear tail lights in your front bumper here.

[Allison Rosen]

Quite a game with you with one and us with zero.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going Grenier as well.

[Ian Ziering]

The blog belongs to John Cusack.

[Adam Carolla]

You see what lynch does?

[Brian Bishop]

Lynch did that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Fucking Threw Grenier in there. He knew we'd bite after the water sting.

[Ian Ziering]

That is definitely true.

[Brian Bishop]

I think that's a very elaborate plan he did.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's all zeros again. Yes. Jesus. All right.

[Ian Ziering]

Tavis Smiley has also authored 16 books, hosted eponymous TV and radio shows, established a foundation to help others produce documentaries, helped to bring the topic of poverty to mainstream awareness, and he's only beginning to make his mark in what is already an incredible career. Creator, contributor, caretaker, conversationalist. Tavis Smiley is a star. 10 years, 2000 shows, and still the best conversation in late night.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you fucking high? That guy's a hack. That guy's horrible. He's one of those assholes. When you're talking about he had some chick on, he was talking about Muslims blowing shit up, and he's like, don't kid yourself. There's more murders in the act of Christianity every day in this country. Like, oh, shut up. All right, go ahead.

[Ian Ziering]

Is it Larry King, Bill Maher, or Al Sharpton?

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta find a catch weight for Al Sharpton.

[Brian Bishop]

Him, the yo yo thing is not working well.

[Adam Carolla]

When I had him at, you know, the plus size, you know, when he was an Eddie Murphy character from a 90s movie sitting around a dinner table,

[Brian Bishop]

he was a clump.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, when he was a clump, that wasn't good. Now his, I don't know how his head is staying on his body. I need him at a catch weight. You know, he was, he was coming in at a heavy weight, maybe super heavyweight. Now he's dipped down to, like, bantamweight. I need a catch weight of, like, light, heavy or cruiser. I need to see Al walking around, around 180. 180.

[Allison Rosen]

He's like 150 now, right?

[Adam Carolla]

There's not enough of him anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

Most of that's hair.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so Tavis is horrible. So I don't think Bill Maher would think. I don't think that Sharpton could be thrown on there as a black herring.

[Allison Rosen]

That's. See, that's what I can't figure out.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking Mike. I don't know. All right, I'm gonna go Larry King, because that seems like kind of just. You can't like Tavis Smiley that much. I'm going to just go Larry King because he just pontificates and blows. Hot win.

[Brian Bishop]

I say Al Sharpton because he's on Tavis Smiley's team. I think the late night thing was Lynch's way of Team. Yeah, with Lynch's way of putting in two red herrings in Mar And King,

[Allison Rosen]

what team is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Team Smiley.

[Allison Rosen]

See? Are they counting on us to vote again to go team? I can't. That's racist. No, I can't tell how far ahead of us lynch is, how many moves I'm going mar.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah. By the way, you can only say lynch and Al Sharpton so many times before you get into trouble.

[Ian Ziering]

Yes, the blog belongs to for the win, Larry King.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I know empty compliments when I hear them. And that's Larry King.

[Allison Rosen]

Congratulations.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody can like Tammit that much. He's way too fucking really hard.

[Allison Rosen]

Round.

[Ian Ziering]

Until next time, keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round

[Adam Carolla]

of blah, blah, blah. Did you guys run the table in the wrong direction? Jesus, you guys are, you know, big over. It's incredible.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. Now, Jay Moore would have us think that he's sitting there listening to this, getting them. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, no, no. He's never. He doesn't realize the pressure cooker that is. Blah, blah, blah. Like, he's standing on the outside going, oh, shit. Hell, I could do that.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, once you get under the Maxima lights.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's where we separate the men from the boys. All right. Ein Ziering. No, I don't want to screw up his last name. Is it Ferrante?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, I believe so.

[Adam Carolla]

Anthony Ferrante as well. Sharknado. Everyone's going nuts about this thing. We'll bring them in and we'll get to the bottom of that.

[Ian Ziering]

The Adam Carolla show honors journalistic excellence with another great moment in local news

[Anthony Ferrante]

when TE Harrigan gives her young son a bath. It can be an adventure, but this

[Adam Carolla]

bath time turned into a nightmare. I saw it slip off and I saw it slip into the drain.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Shannon's talking about her diamond engagement ring.

[Adam Carolla]

She and her family recently moved to Florida from Chicago. She says our humidity was making her

[Brian Bishop]

fingers swell, so she moved her ring

[Adam Carolla]

to her pinky finger.

[Ian Ziering]

The spirit of Murrow and Cronkite live on. Now back to the Adam Carolla Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Very quickly, we have a beeler. Venice. And queued up from a million years ago on Loveline that Gary found. Don't you have two questions for her? Yeah. Veal and venison. What kind of meat is that? Veiled baby cow. Oh, right. Venison.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And venison is in Italy. Write that down. Venice is in Italy. Thank you. That's all we did was make fun of the people who supported the show.

[Brian Bishop]

Technically correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Ein Ziering. Here Anthony Ferrante is, well, Sharknado. Wow. This show, first off, I don't know who was. Everyone was tweeting about it, but there was somebody who was tweeting about it, and you guys can probably help me out. Who was like, I don't know, Margaret Thatcher.

[Unknown Guest]

Mia Farrow had done it. She tweeted a photo of her doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I've never heard her, even on a talk show. It seems so un. Mia Farrow.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't know she had Twitter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's incredible, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Guess what I just found out. So, a couple months ago, I received this email saying that someone who was a fan of mine had a tiny part for me in their big over the top science fiction movie. And then I couldn't do it that day. And my agent said, it's a pass for sure. And it's this movie. I just found this out. I could have been in Sharknado.

[Adam Carolla]

Cub reporter, Eaten by Mako. And yet you're not there.

[Allison Rosen]

They passed on me before I had.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we didn't pass on.

[Unknown Guest]

No, no, no, we didn't pass on you. I specifically said, I want you in this because I love the show and I think you're very funny and I think you would have been great in the movie.

[Brian Bishop]

The shark was supposed to choke on her boots.

[Unknown Guest]

No, she. It was a scene with the dog. That was the scene they took your part to.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Tara Reid.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, really? Who got this part?

[Unknown Guest]

Somebody else.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

But who?

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, how do you fit into this equation?

[Anthony Ferrante]

You know, I read this script and I'm thinking, good God, what is this? It was a. You know, again, it was a very over the top science fiction movie that, you know, I get scripts like this every once in a while and.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Evening.

[Adam Carolla]

Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car. I'll be moving in. Let's get started.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana.

[Anthony Ferrante]

You what?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Yeah. Great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it.

[Adam Carolla]

So there's no.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

No. No buyer's remorse. More like buyers rejoice.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Buyers rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our 7 day return [e-mail].

[Anthony Ferrante]

i really didn't think that this was something I wanted to do. Quite honestly, I wanted to pass on it. My wife looked at me and said, no, you're going to work. You know, we got two kids and I just thought it was a, you know, a big Piece of poop, really. But it was. Turned out to be a very satisfying moment.

[Unknown Guest]

Thank you.

[Anthony Ferrante]

I'm being honest, you know, but then again, I didn't think 90210 was gonna go 10 years. I saw the pilot of that and I said, oh, boy, I'm gonna be looking for work again.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that show.

[Anthony Ferrante]

So this is, you know, I'm really. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Nice homage there. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I watched a clap.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Then I met Anthony. Anthony. And I took a meeting and I saw his passion and he told me that this is gonna be laced with so many visual effects which really were necessary to, you know, piecemeal this all together. This is an impossible movie to shoot.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's re airing, by the way, on Thursday at 7 o' clock on Syfy, and we had 18 days. The title is just unbelievable. But I thought, yeah, you couldn't do this before you had all the visual computers and all that kind of stuff, right?

[Unknown Guest]

Well, I had a storyboard this extensive. I got hired two weeks before it started shooting. And so I sat down with my storyboard friend and we just went through a full day of just storyboarding every complicated thing and added way too many extra things. And it's a movie that you should not do this on 18 days because it's wall to wall stuff and no movie with the schedule or this minimal budget should do it. But we just said, let's do it. Let's try to do the most ambitious movie ever. And a buddy of mine is Robbie Wriste and he basically said, you got to do this. And after he saw the rough cut, he goes, it's a movie that doesn't know it can't do that. And now that it's done what it's done with Twitter, it's still a movie that doesn't know it can't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

And then after this, it's right off to the sequel to those two old French people that. Where one of them's dying of Alzheimer's and they're in the apartment in France there. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Actually, the thing is, what happened is we spent all the money on this movie and the second movie, we only have enough for like a room and a couple people. And that's unfortunately what the sequel will be does.

[Adam Carolla]

There must be. There's gotta be a Sharknado sequel now, right? I mean, they're tied.

[Unknown Guest]

It's up to Asylum and the in the sci fi. The two companies that put it.

[Adam Carolla]

Rhino, NATO.

[Allison Rosen]

It was not originally called Sharknado though, right?

[Unknown Guest]

No, it was called Dark Skies.

[Anthony Ferrante]

It was a working title, you know, I'm like, wait a second, isn't that movie already coming out? They're shooting this before.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

What happened when you suddenly heard the rumor that they were going to change it to Sharknado? Everybody was like, no, you can't call

[Brian Bishop]

it this, call it this, call it that.

[Unknown Guest]

It's like, just trust me, when it comes out with this title, it will be fine and you will be very happy.

[Anthony Ferrante]

What helped me swallow the poison pill was the fact that I got to rappel off bridges. I get to chainsaw my way out of a shark. These are things that. Okay, I'll do that. It's going to be a lot of fun. What the heck.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, for those of you who aren't here, I looks brand new. Like you really look. You're sleeping like a hyperbolic chamber or something. You look at your incredible shape.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Well, thanks. I just got off a six week run with the Chippendales. So it meant.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh shit. I saw you at the airport.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I went to Vegas and I was like ions hanging around with the Chippendales. It was, it was like, you know when you're walking through. Yeah.

[Anthony Ferrante]

The airport.

[Adam Carolla]

Whereas you're walking through and you see all like, here's the.

[Brian Bishop]

That's where you see them.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, if I was here for another 90 minutes.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Yeah, that's on your bucket list.

[Adam Carolla]

The Chippendales.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Let me know because I still get.

[Adam Carolla]

And not even bucket, just weekend bucket.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Week bucket list.

[Anthony Ferrante]

You know, honestly, it's an awesome show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, listen, I'm there next next time if you can, you know.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Obviously the kids twins are old enough to learn how the world works.

[Anthony Ferrante]

They'll love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Shirts off work.

[Anthony Ferrante]

But you know, getting involved with that cast, I had to, you know, lean up a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Overweight, a little soft. They're professional and didn't want to embarrass myself on stage. Yeah, I was shooting Sharknado at about 210 and now I'm about 178.

[Adam Carolla]

The Chippendales guys. You guys ever run into the Thunder from down under? Dudes and kind of, you know, not

[Anthony Ferrante]

while I was there, but apparently they're all friends. I mean really, these guys are.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they really?

[Anthony Ferrante]

I don't know how really, really they

[Adam Carolla]

are, but they're all working out.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Trainers.

[Unknown Guest]

Could you take down the blue man group?

[Adam Carolla]

The Chippendales?

[Anthony Ferrante]

I think we could take down the blue.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, it's, it's, it's the Competition. It's the Thunder from Down under against the Chippendale guys. That's. That's where. And everyone claims to have mutual respect and all that, mutual enemies. But I'm sure there's a lot of stuff like. Those guys are great. I haven't seen their act yet, you know, a lot of stuff, like little stuff slid in, little dancing.

[Brian Bishop]

I hear they're reworking their act. They're having some problems technically, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they do this one. It's really good for what it is, you know, I don't know if people

[Allison Rosen]

down under is Thunder from Down Under.

[Anthony Ferrante]

It was a grind, but you know, it's a very well oiled machine and they get it done. Their show is packed every night. Really sold at, sold out. There's something chemical, there's something primal that goes off in a woman's mind when she sees guys in shape dancing around.

[Adam Carolla]

What percentage of dudes are in the audience?

[Anthony Ferrante]

5%. Especially at parties. You know, hetero and gay couples there having a good time. It's not like junk in your face. There's no dollar bills and jock stores.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, then I'm out.

[Anthony Ferrante]

It's a very. Well then you're out. Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

I thought of a junk in your face.

[Allison Rosen]

But is there junk on the stage or is it. No junk?

[Anthony Ferrante]

There is, but it's all. You can't see it. I mean you may see a bare butt, but that's as far as license will allow.

[Adam Carolla]

The junk on some of those guys hidden in other fellows trunks at some point in the evening. I mean, what percentage of those guys? You know, my first impulse is, God, these guys must pull down a ton of tail. And then I go, you know, it is tail.

[Anthony Ferrante]

You'd be surprised. There's a lot of, you know, husbands.

[Adam Carolla]

What percentage are gay, you think? Construction workers?

[Anthony Ferrante]

Maybe one or two of the guys. One or two of the guys. But for the most part, first of all, they're all great guys and they're all, you know, dedicated. Like I said, husbands, fathers, teachers. One's a strength coach for the local baseball team.

[Adam Carolla]

The Indian, Indian kind of guy.

[Anthony Ferrante]

They're just great. So you know that.

[Adam Carolla]

So are you dancing your ass off up there?

[Anthony Ferrante]

Pretty much. Dancing, singing, dancing.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it one of those? Do they have a matinee?

[Anthony Ferrante]

No, the only night Bring the kitties.

[Adam Carolla]

And how many shows a week you doing?

[Anthony Ferrante]

I was. I'm done now.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are you doing?

[Anthony Ferrante]

I was doing seven. Seven shows Thursday, two Thursday, Friday, Saturday and one on Sunday. And then flying back to being with my Wife and kids. Monday through Thursday, I'd head back out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Thank God Sharknado came around.

[Unknown Guest]

I bet after one of those, you were begging to be back birthing out of a shark.

[Anthony Ferrante]

You know, it's tough, it's a lot of effort, but doing what you got to do.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a semi surreal experience, which is I wrote a sitcom for CBS or NBC. I can't remember which one, but I think it was the first one. They had this thing where they sent me to this acting coach. Never feels good when they go, hey, not that you're not a great actor, but you need to work this lady a lot.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Leslie, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Leslie. And I went and worked with Leslie, and she's sweet. And then at a certain point she said. I think she said, I'm going to have my class read your script.

[Anthony Ferrante]

I was in that class. Do you remember?

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I'm bringing this up.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Otherwise I'd just be. I mean, I am a blowhard, but. So I come extra blowhard. Like, I'm walking in and the guy's sort of taking turns playing the lead guy, which is me, because I had like, all the dialogue. So I come walking in and Ein Zerg is playing me. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I should be playing you, dude. I couldn't. It was weird to me that you were playing me because I watch so much of you on tv.

[Allison Rosen]

It was but like a dream come true, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, yes.

[Anthony Ferrante]

You know, that kind of environment helps the writer find the character's voice.

[Adam Carolla]

It is nice to sit around and listen to people tell your jokes.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you and the other actors know that it was Adam Carolly we were playing? Or were you playing Ace Morella, the character?

[Anthony Ferrante]

No, no. This was a project that Adam had written and it was a vehicle for himself.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, but you were informed that it was acronym.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Oh, yeah. There was no mistake. And we were all, you know, we workshop stuff there.

[Adam Carolla]

It was really cool, but like I said, wildly distracting and somewhat. Because I'm a Corolla and I always have my parents voices echoing in my head saying things like, who wants to hear from you? Or why would you do that? Or I don't get why people would show up like that kind of stuff. Yeah. It's just weird to see someone you spend so much time watching on TV playing you in your sitcom and with a shirt off. It's always shirt off. I mean, that's the only way acts cufflinks, you know. Cuffs and cufflinks, no shirt. And then the pants come flying off halfway into it.

[Unknown Guest]

Rip it off.

[Allison Rosen]

The clothes are confining.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Because I was £210, did you notice I was hiding behind a surfboard?

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, RE airs like I said, Thursday on Syfy. Did you see Sharknado at 7 o'? Clock? No, I've just seen all the bits and pieces and the chainsaw stuff and all the tweets and everything, but I haven't seen the movie. No, I haven't.

[Allison Rosen]

But now I'm gonna watch it so I can find out who has my role.

[Brian Bishop]

I think what happened was it aired on a night we had a show. Because I got home from the show

[Allison Rosen]

all of a sudden, Twitter was on fire.

[Brian Bishop]

I watched the third act. I'm like, what's Sharknado all about? Sharknado is exactly what you think with the title, you get Sharknado. That is. It is exactly what you think when you hear Sharknado.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that was the whole goal, too, is like, let no military, no scientists explaining stupid things. You suck up the sharks, you destroy Los Angeles, and you just throw logic out the window. And, you know, the just, you know, the sharks jumping into the scene was like, the best thing in the world. I knew if people hated it or loved it. When we got to the scene where he goes into the shark and he bursts himself out, we were good.

[Adam Carolla]

Shall we do a little news and you guys can hang out and crack wise and like all that there.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Great.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Alison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison.

[Unknown Guest]

Allison, I have a question for you, Alison, with the song, because every time I listen to it on the podcast, and sometimes you have conservative guests in here, did you ever see them, like, flinch or cringe when the cut word comes up on the radio?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

They usually just laugh. Actually.

[Unknown Guest]

You've never had anybody was like, I want to leave?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Every once in a while, they're caught off guard.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And occasionally I won't say it at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Out of respect.

[Adam Carolla]

Jane Goodall's on the show or whoever.

[Allison Rosen]

But no, I've never seen her drop. But you have to figure if someone comes in here, hearing the word cunt is not going to be the first shocking thing they hear.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Because it's Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And we have it on the door. Don't Be a cunt. And you have to slap it when you come in like you're leaving the Notre Dame locker room. Like you cannot imagine how wrong you are.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I was going to bring an interview. Jane Goodall.

[Allison Rosen]

Over 2 billion cunts serve us on that one. So one of these Zimmerman jurors is going to be writing a book with her husband who's an attorney. It's juror B37. Or B37, in case you're wondering specifically which one it is. Their identities have not been revealed, so we don't really, you know, they're not recognizable yet. But her literary agent says, my hope is that people will read jurors B30, juror B37's book, written with her attorney husband and understand the commitment it takes to serve and be sequestered on a jury in a highly publicized murder trial, and how important, despite one's personal viewpoints, it is to follow the letter of the law.

[Ian Ziering]

Boring.

[Anthony Ferrante]

I think that's all I need to hear.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need to read the book.

[Allison Rosen]

I got it.

[Anthony Ferrante]

I'm done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, because it's gonna start the first 33 pages on her growing up in a middle class neighborhood with a hard working father and a mother who never stopped loving them. Then the divorce came when she was 11. Of course, like any girl, I was devastated. I blamed my mother. And there's gonna be 34 pages of that building up to this. You cannot imagine how wrong you are. She needed this thing to go on a little longer. Like, she should have held out, kept them in there.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, this is the same literary agent who handled if I did it, the O.J. simpson book.

[Brian Bishop]

Judith Regan.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that Judith Regan?

[Allison Rosen]

No, this is Charlene Martin.

[Adam Carolla]

Ugh, I hate Judith Regan.

[Allison Rosen]

That was a publisher. Oh, yeah, she was involved with that

[Brian Bishop]

book for sure, but she may not have been the I had a book

[Adam Carolla]

meeting a million years ago, me and Dr. Drew did with Judith Regan, and she was fresh off doing Howard Stern's book, so she thought her shit didn't stink, and we had to go meet her at her hotel. And we were there at noon for lunch, and she made us sit in the fucking lobby for like 35 minutes. And I thought, we're at your hotel and you're late. We drove across town to get to your hotel, and you're late at your hotel, meaning just sitting up in a room. Eventually she came down, and then they said, well, everyone wants us to write a Loveline book. And she's like, no one wants that book. They want a Book on chivalry.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, no, I think they want the Loveline book. And she was like, people don't know what that is. And I was like, you don't know what it is. But other people know what it is because we're on MTV every night and that's what we should be talking about. And she's like, you guys need to do something on something else. It was one of those things. I hate it when people do this where they go, I don't know that. Because I'm a 51 year old bitch who doesn't watch MTV. So I don't know that. So thus. Thus it must not exist because the queen has not acknowledged it. So then we must talk about alternative projects, Little narcissism. Oh my God, what a bitch.

[Brian Bishop]

It's terrible too, when someone gets incredibly lucky with something. Like, I stumbled on the Howard Stern book.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Because then she knows everything about publishing. People want chivalry books. They do.

[Adam Carolla]

And then she did like a talk show or something that just sucked ass.

[Allison Rosen]

She was on Millionaire Matchmaker.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh.

[Allison Rosen]

The thing about.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute, I'm back.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I like that show. Patty Stanger was trying to set her up.

[Adam Carolla]

I know her name.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry. Patty, how do you feel about Destin Pfaff?

[Adam Carolla]

The guy with this mohawk?

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, who.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I've got trouble with the spelling of the name and just both names, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Whenever I see a guy who's got a lot of time into his look, you know, like a lot of time, whether it's the hair, whether it's the

[Allison Rosen]

mohawk, you're fine, Ayan. Cause you're a natural beauty. And you too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, thank you. Here, I'll be your inner brain. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Should I start saying it again?

[Adam Carolla]

Start saying it again.

[Allison Rosen]

You're fine, Ayan. Cause you're a natural beauty.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit. There's another guy in the room.

[Allison Rosen]

And you too.

[Unknown Guest]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

It's okay. I had a sister. Have a sister. But when we were kids, she was the cutest human being in the whole world. And I was really awkward at the point at which she was super cute. So forever I was getting like, oh, my God, she looks like young Elizabeth. And you're cute too, so I know how that feels if that was how that went.

[Adam Carolla]

But it was genuine.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm not on camera. I don't have to worry about it.

[Allison Rosen]

What were we saying anyway? Millionaire Matchmaker Destin.

[Adam Carolla]

He has the mohawk. He's the Mohawk guy. And just the amount of gel. Because as I was thinking about it fresh off of Jimmy's wedding. All the girls had to go in at, like. It was, like, in the rundown. The girls are going in for the blowout. Like, all the hair. All the hair and all the makeup and all the women squads got to

[Anthony Ferrante]

take care of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Me and Bill Simmons, the sports guy, and Mike August here and James, Baby Doll Dix, and everyone's agent was sitting around James's room at 405 drinking Heinekens in shorts. And the wedding was at 5. Like, straight up 5 o'.

[Unknown Guest]

Clock.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was quarter mile from my room just drinking a beer and shorts, and we're all just sitting around on his balcony talking. And all the women had already had three hours into the hair and the shit makeup. Did I tell you I had to mule the makeup? Was I complaining about this?

[Allison Rosen]

No, you did not tell us.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so to finish my point, my daughter said, I want to get some leave in conditioner. My son got the leave in. I said, and please don't get married to the fucking mirror and the hairdryer. You'll spend the better part of your waking hours blowing hot air and frying your brain in the front of a mirror. Like, you're not gonna be building any bridges or getting anything done. We have to do something about this poor thing. It's like, I feel sorry for the women. We've created a society where they need an extra three and a half hours before the wedding. And I'll have to go. You want to talk about the worst transition on the planet? Sitting on a balcony of a restaurant in Ojai, laughing it up with Jimmy. And then all the guys got up. This is Daniel Kelson from the man show and Dick, Baby Doll and Bill Sports Guy. And they said, we're going down to the spa pool. We're going to sit around the spa pool. We're going to order some cocktails. And we had this entire ranch to ourselves. And it was like 12:30. And I said, sounds fucking great. And they all left. And I slid back and talked to Johnny Knoxville and his wife for 25 minutes. I said, man, he makes moonshine. I said, you have to start making this stuff. I started making Mangria. It's a great business. We're just talking about it and having a nice talk. And then I got up and I walked over to the spa, and I started to walk into the spa, and I was going to go through to the pool and go hang out with the dudes and have some cocktails by the pool and. And somebody stopped me and said, where are you heading? I said, I'm going by the pool, hanging out with my buddies by the pool. And they said, oh, none of those guys are there. And I said, oh, no one's there. They're all gone. Yeah, no one's there. I said, oh, all right, well, I'll go find them. And I started heading out. And they went, wait a minute. And I went, yes, Mr. Carolla, yes, your wife's getting a massage right now. I said, I know. It's her second in 19 hours or so, gratuity included. And I said, yeah, I'm aware of that. And she said, well, she sent a message. And I said, what is it? She needs you to get her makeup. And I said, go back. I'm pretty far from where we are. I go back to the thing and gather the makeup. The makeup is spread out all over the fucking. It's taking the entire countertop up. And I said, go get it. Yeah, and bring it back. I was like, wow, this went from this is gonna be awesome to me muling fucking Max Factor products back to the spa for her to be made up. But every chick in the place needed three hours traveled with people, had the whole hair blow out.

[Allison Rosen]

I just can't even imagine trusting someone with my makeup like that.

[Unknown Guest]

How do you corral it all up and bring it down if it's all spread out?

[Adam Carolla]

Do you see the Shane hashtag?

[Unknown Guest]

And they'll yell that later.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a Sophie's choice of mascara and rouge or what, do we blush?

[Allison Rosen]

Don't pretend you don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, here's what I did. It was all spread out. I took up the entire fucking thing. And I did the. Well, one of these, one of those. This looks redundant. Then there's all the brushes. There's a thousand brushes. They're all gone.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm getting nervous thinking about you making these decisions.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, one big brush, one medium brush, one small brush. Not all. Not all. I'm taking one case. I'm not taking.

[Allison Rosen]

Take her. Was she happy with your decision?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't give a shit. Number one, I was like, I'm gonna. I'm walking back to the cabana. I'm gonna load up on your shit, and I'm gonna mule it back here, and I will, because this was already

[Allison Rosen]

her edited collection that she brought with her to the hotel. So you gotta figure she needed all of that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll do the best I can. I am not a makeup artist, but I do understand redundancy and shapes. So I did the Best I could, and I played it safe, but I did not take every single piece. And she was quite happy with my selection. Okay, thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm glad it worked out for you. But we were talking.

[Anthony Ferrante]

No good deed goes unpunished. You did all right. You worked out okay with that, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

No, the good deed, yeah, that worked fine. The good deed that didn't go unpunished was that morning when I told her that her car got a blowout and that I went and got a new tire off of tire rack, and then I pulled the old tire, and then I sent my guy who works in the shop to go get the tire mounted and balanced, and he was going to come up Friday so that the nanny could drive the kids around in the nice car instead of her crap car. And I said, rob, don't come up. It's too crowded up here. There's traffic all the way up and down the hill. Don't bother. Just come Saturday morning, get the tire on and do it that way. I don't want you to have to sit in traffic. Just come Saturday morning. And I told Lynette on the way out, rob's coming in to change a car tire on Saturday. And then Saturday, about noon when we got up, she opened her purse and she went, both my sets of car keys are in here. And I said, you have both sets of car. That's the only car keys you have here. Because you're not going to be able to change the tire if you have both sets of car keys. And she was like, why didn't you tell me he was coming? And I was like, now wait a minute.

[Anthony Ferrante]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Now wait a minute. Now wait a minute. That's not the focus here. Let's not focus on me getting your car tire changed here. That's the good deed that did not go unpunished. Why did. I was like, why do you have both sets of your keys? We're driving in my car. It's like, that wasn't the point. Point was I should have told her. Eventually, I got her. I gotta take it back.

[Unknown Guest]

But you got a balanced day.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a while. It was a balanced day.

[Allison Rosen]

You got her to take back what you said?

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. I said, let all hear this from the hills. I said, there's one way to prevent us going on another vacation with both sets of your car keys, and that's to focus on why you have them, not why Rob is coming on Saturday to change the tire, because that's a constant. This can be. This we can work on. And you know what? She agreed. We got to it. Yeah, that's good. Listen, all that time. People do this stuff all the time where they go, woo, you better watch it with the Mrs. Like you don't want to. Don't come back at her when you're wrong. But when she's wrong, don't come back at her and yell at her, but come back at her and go, no, here's how this is going to work, and this is how we can prevent this. And you know what? It worked just fine. And then I was muelling mascara four hours later. That was the punishment, actually.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Okay, you're right.

[Unknown Guest]

She didn't eat it.

[Allison Rosen]

See, in my relationship, I feel like it's so much. Usually it's less about right and wrong than. It's just, well, I feel this. Well, I feel this. And then you're just fucked. I need to infuse right and wrong into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody, look, at a certain point, all you want to do is be able to go on vacation and have the nanny be able to drive your car or have Rob be able to change a tire. And that's my only objective here. I'm not to punish you and not to shame you just so this does not happen again.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, so Judith Regan, she wanted to be treated. This is what Patty told her. I think she wanted to be treated like a lady. Soft and feminine, because she's sort of like. I don't think she said ball buster, but that was hidden message. No, we are. We're talking about the news of Judith Regan. Anyway, Jenny McCarthy will be joining the View, taking one of these seats vacated by Joy Behar and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Mm.

[Anthony Ferrante]

When. When did she start?

[Allison Rosen]

September 9th.

[Adam Carolla]

Big seat and a small seat. All right. How's her whole campaign? She can take time away from the lab. John Hopkins from the Mayo Clinic.

[Allison Rosen]

They've released her.

[Adam Carolla]

Curing autism by having everybody not get vaccinations that they vitally need. Who's gonna give people horrible information about. About vaccinations and their kids without her fucking sitting on Twitter all day long?

[Brian Bishop]

We'll have to get by somehow.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you something about Jenny McCarthy. I heard about this. I've said this many times. Perhaps Anthony and Ian will agree. People can be great in other people's shit. Like Kate Hudson, who's probably a horrible actress, is great in Almost Famous.

[Unknown Guest]

She's amazing in Almost Famous, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Because Almost Famous has a great director and a great script, and it's a great movie. And since then, Kate Hudson's Made pieces of shit. So I'm guessing Kate Hudson's not a very good writer and might be an okay actress, but she was good in one movie and then magically not good in anything else because she didn't see 200 cigarettes, everything else sucked.

[Unknown Guest]

I think it comes down to you get something that's successful and then suddenly, hey, want to do this? Want to do this? And it's like you're greedy and you just start accepting everything to the point where right.

[Adam Carolla]

She can't. But she's not reading the material and she's not writing it or creating it or whatever it is.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I have a question. Are you excited to work with her on Sharknado 4?

[Unknown Guest]

I'm sure we can get her for Sharknado 4.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope she's available. So then you take Jenny McCarthy. Jenny McCarthy made a movie that she wrote and starred in and it's called Dirty Love and it's horrible. And when you write a movie and you star in it and you basically create it and produce it, if it's a piece of shit, that's on you. That's all on you. That means you suck. If you find it on Rotten Tomatoes, I think it was sitting at a 4%. Dirty Love sitting at 4% with regular critics and an astounding zero with the top critics.

[Brian Bishop]

LeClaire didn't get it.

[Unknown Guest]

There's only four people that probably actually reviewed it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, you'll see. I see it on cable all the time.

[Anthony Ferrante]

What was the game show that launched her mtv?

[Unknown Guest]

Singled Out. Singled Out.

[Anthony Ferrante]

That was the show for her.

[Adam Carolla]

That's really where she. 1 out of 27 with the all critics and then with the top critics. Gary, these things taking you by surprise. Oh, There we go. 0 for 11. All right. That's when she grabs the pen.

[Brian Bishop]

You know how someone is a celebrity or is big in your world or something you're into, so you can't really judge how big they are. Celebrity wise in the real world is Chris Hardwick. He's a big podcaster is what I'm asking. Is he a bigger star now than Jenny McCarthy?

[Unknown Guest]

Yes, he is.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like he is with the geeks.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes, he is.

[Adam Carolla]

He wouldn't be asked to do. He wouldn't ask to do that kind of hosting job. But I know what you're saying. She's a bitch. I did her fucking. She's a two faced bitch. I did this fucking candies campaign for her where I drove to Canoga park on a Saturday and did like not one of those mail it in. Hi, I'm Adam Carolla. Talk to your kids psa, like a long multi shoot with a jib. And I remember thinking, like tons of dialogue and a bunch of whatever. And when I was done, she was like, thanks so much and I really owe you for this one. And then she was doing Loveline and she needed a car, so we sent a car and the car showed up and she just didn't come out of her apartment. She's like, no, the car just came back. And then there's another time when she called into the radio show. She wouldn't come in, but she called in and I said, jenny. She said, yeah. I said, remember that time I did that shoot for you on the Candies PSA thing for your charity? And it was like an eight hour day on a Saturday in Canoga park, and we were done. You said, I'll do anything for you. I owe you big time. She said, yep. And I said, I want you to walk into the next room and I want you to hand the phone to Jim Carrey and I want to say hi to him. And she said, no. I thought, fuck you, bitch.

[Brian Bishop]

They may have not been on speaking terms at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they were doing. She was asleep in the next room.

[Unknown Guest]

Adam, you talk shit about a lot of people. Have they ever had come in after you've talked shit about them? And are they all nice or are they like, you rude?

[Adam Carolla]

Me. First off, Anthony, when I was saying about you not being nearly as hot as I am and Alison vigorously agreeing with me was more just theater of the mind. Yeah, we weren't really. Yeah, that was just coming out of. No, no. I don't know how it works. Look, I'm just saying. What is. I think it's great, though. What is.

[Unknown Guest]

But I'm always curious because most people dance around the issue of, oh, I'm just gonna. You just spew it out and it goes out there. But you still have to frequent these parties and things with people. And I'm sure that you kind of run a. Yeah, run in those circles

[Adam Carolla]

sometimes the occasional wedding.

[Anthony Ferrante]

But someone can't be mad if you call shit on them and it's truthful.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they can be mad. But that's just what it is. And I don't care. I'm not going on the View. And she's not. She's not. She wouldn't. Come on Loveline. She wouldn't leave her fucking condo and get in the car we sent for her, so fuck her. And look, she's. Let's give A shit. Obviously marginally talented. I mean, she's has a rare combination of being good looking and not being unfunny. But again, go check out her movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's what Barbara Walters said. She can be serious and outrageous. She has connected with our audience and offers a fresh point of view.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. That's what her publicist said.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, they put the view in there. Fresh point of view.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. Nice little pun. Jenny brings us intelligence as well as warmth and humor.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, so vaccinations cause autism until she

[Unknown Guest]

doesn't get along with somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

And then it's like, right, that'll be fun.

[Unknown Guest]

Cat fights.

[Allison Rosen]

Elizabeth Hasselbeck will be joining Fox. She's gonna be on Fox and Friends. And Gretchen Carlson is leaving Fox and Friends and she's getting her own daytime talk show. Excuse me. Daytime talk show.

[Adam Carolla]

How many chicks? I feel like every time I turn on a tv, it's always like, so and so is back. You know, we got. Kris Kardashian is doing a talk show like this. Daytime.

[Brian Bishop]

This is the talk show world ever expanding. Like, the universe. Like, is there a limit to how many talk shows there can be?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but I. Somebody tweeted me that said, ace, you need a daytime talk show with a. From a dude's point of view. And I was like, dudes work. So. And then smart chicks work, and then they're left with their core audience, unemployable dumb chicks.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, what was that daytime talk show, from a Man's Point of view that had. Was it was Mario Lopez?

[Adam Carolla]

Dick Clark. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Was it called the Talk?

[Unknown Guest]

It was the Other side or the Other Sack?

[Adam Carolla]

The Other side of the Sack. Today on the Sack.

[Allison Rosen]

Sack. Hot Topic.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's sacrilegious. Yeah.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all sitting around, but it doesn't work because there's nothing. Dudes. If a dude is home, he's high, he's usually at work. They're playing Dog Station and Xbox, right? Yeah. Or he's watching Internet porn. You know what I mean? He's got that kind of time on his hand.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So a bunch of Cedars Sinai employees. Six people have been fired for looking into patients records that they shouldn't have looked into. And one of them was Kim Kardashian.

[Anthony Ferrante]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's on. I mean, somebody. When we went to Jimmy's wedding last weekend, it was stressed over and over again, no pictures. Don't be taking pictures of Jennifer Aniston and shit like that, because there's a bunch of celebrities and everyone wants to be comfortable. And if you're pulling your underpants out of your ass crack and someone gets a picture of it, it's going to look. So no pictures. No pictures, no pictures.

[Allison Rosen]

And everyone who was the one who

[Adam Carolla]

was saying this, that was just a policy. The wedding planner, whatever. It would show up in the emails and, you know, no pictures. And everyone's like, all right. And then there was like some gray area when we were just sort of sitting there and I'm trying to make fun of the club sandwich. And I told Daniel, take a picture of it and tweet it to me, you know, and it's like, all right, I guess we can take a picture of the sandwich. Then Jennifer Aniston photobombed the sandwich. We're totally fucked. So. But then someone tweeted me a picture today of. I don't know if I saved it or not, but they just tweeted me a picture of me standing around. It was probably. They were taking a picture of me and Johnny Knoxville, but probably take a picture of Johnny Knoxville. And I was standing there, but we were standing there like, this was from a shrubbery. There was a helicopter flying over the whole time. But this was. This place is a huge multi. Multi acre. Where'd he get married? Affair. Ojai, Ohio.

[Anthony Ferrante]

The Valley Ranch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. And no, this was taken, like, from 12ft away from someone's hip who, like, worked there or something. Do you see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone can be bought. Everyone's.

[Allison Rosen]

Where did the person find this photo? Like a magazine or something?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I should have.

[Brian Bishop]

I saw some pictures online. Look at. They were taken from high above or from far away. Telephoto lens kind of stuff. They can.

[Anthony Ferrante]

They can get maybe from Popsugar, maybe website that maybe it was.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's hard to tell with the telephoto lens or whatever. But I will tell you this, as I've said before, every single time somebody. I think me and Johnny Knoxville.

[Allison Rosen]

Makeup looks good.

[Adam Carolla]

Me and Johnny Knoxville now. Dude, look at you.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Look at you.

[Unknown Guest]

You look like you're gonna off somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's that guy give the orders to

[Unknown Guest]

take out Jimmy Kimmel or something?

[Adam Carolla]

I picture. Now, someone could have taken that from.

[Anthony Ferrante]

That was your photographer? Are you kidding? You never get photographs so good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please. Wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

You're centered and everything all right.

[Anthony Ferrante]

In the center of that, everything's on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Cropped nicely.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Women around me.

[Anthony Ferrante]

You had a sniper. Ozzie on.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, was that Picture taken from 5000 yards it looks really close. And I mean, that ranch never ends. I mean, the trees, the rolling hills, like the property line keeps going for tons. No, look, as I said, when Johnny Depp flies into jfk, the paparazzi's waiting. I fly in, there's one fat guy waiting with a bunch of pictures, a bunch of man show box covers, and then a couple of pictures from the Family Guy, but just one fat dude waiting there for the 36 things for me to sign. And they know guys at the airport, they just tell them, I know guys at American Airline and at Delta Airline, and whenever somebody's getting on the plane, they just tell them. So I have a theory, though.

[Unknown Guest]

It's planned because, you know, I think that they tip people off and then they're there. Because how many times do you, like, go to a restaurant? I mean, I went to Jerry's with him to meet him for the first time. There was no paparazzi stalking us at Jerry's. But, you know, if it was somebody that tipped him off, of course you're gonna find him right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, no, there are absolutely.

[Unknown Guest]

If.

[Adam Carolla]

If me or Ian gets off a plane, there's two fat guys, and if Johnny Depp gets off the plane, there's 30 fat guys. But they're tipped off. They know that the guy brought a bunch of man show and shit memorabilia, and he was waiting there for me. And then.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you flattered or annoyed?

[Adam Carolla]

The problem will never go away because I sit there for 20 minutes signing every piece of shit he's got, and then on the way out, flying out of JFK's waiting.

[Allison Rosen]

Same guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Same guy. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Dedicated fan.

[Adam Carolla]

How much did he go?

[Unknown Guest]

Have you ever looked on ebay to see how much your autograph is worth?

[Adam Carolla]

I never want to do that to myself, Number one. Number two. Number two, do we like this, that people have friends on the inside of a secure whatever and just pass along information to them, and then guys who have no business there sit around that place and bug those people who are getting. And then if somebody wanted to shoot or stab Johnny Depp, this would be quite an easy way to do it. I mean, if that something wanted to be done right.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think he has enemies?

[Adam Carolla]

He has. There's the beret crowd. That's anti scarf. They don't like pick Scarfa.

[Unknown Guest]

I think the Indians want to scalp

[Adam Carolla]

him after Lone Ranger. After Lone Ranger, yeah. The critics and the Indians want to go after him on that. But there's. I mean, thank God he would be shielded from every bullet. With layers and layers of scarves around

[Allison Rosen]

him, it's hard to know whether you really struck flesh.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't get a clean shot on a guy. It's all scarf. Some flesh wounds are mostly scarf wounds, you know, and they show. They'll do a thing where they shoot not for the scarves, you know what I mean? Like, the guy has the Bible in the pocket, takes the bullet for him.

[Allison Rosen]

Saved him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, let's do one more baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

A giant panda named Loon. Loon gave birth to twin baby pandas at Zoo Atlanta. These are the first twin pandas born in the US since 1987. And the first giant pandas to be born in the US this year. So the first twins since 87, but the first pandas to be born in the US this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Always have a lot of panda thoughts. One is, I'm pissed that we have to lease them from China. My whole thing is like, fuck you. They're ours. We'll keep them.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Number one, let's clone them and make them ours.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or whatever finer, you know. Possession nine tenths the law.

[Unknown Guest]

They're here.

[Adam Carolla]

Come get them, bitch. You want them? We got them. All right, so number one, you know, just like, you know, we had one of our spies or something over there that went extradite him, right? So we're keeping your bear, number one. Number two, it's always Ling, Ling and Lulu and all that. And I want one where it's just like, hey, man, your name is fucking Dutch, and your name is Kirk and you're Shelly. You know what I mean? Like, if we're gonna rent these fucking things, we're giving them our names.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I feel like I've heard of a panda named Gary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

The name that you want to go with in your book.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I want to go with Gary.

[Allison Rosen]

I like that. Gary.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's our. Well, we let. We're buying them. No, they have to go with a Chinese name, and they have to own them. And I. Somewhere in the book, I think I said, look, if we gave you guys. Trying to think, what do we got over here?

[Brian Bishop]

Cows for sure.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Coca Cola.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Let's just say you didn't have a cow. I feel like they got cow. All right, let's say we lent you one of our cows. We'd be pissed. It was like, it's got to be named Steve. Gotta be named Steve, right? That'd be douchey of us, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Be like, if you're presumptuous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're you're leasing our cow. Just fucking name it. Name it, whatever you want.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, It's a woman. Forgot about that.

[Brian Bishop]

Female cat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. So there you go.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like that we said it had to be Carol.

[Adam Carolla]

And they won't fuck. They show them. You have to show them panda porn to try to get them to fuck. I always. They really show them panda porn. Yes. And they just won't fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

But you want to border eucalyptus.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I always wanted? My fantasy was always like they put the two, the male and the female together and they try to do. I swear to God, they put on panda porn.

[Unknown Guest]

It's like pandas, like rolling around in Panda Express. Orange chicken or something like that.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Romantic lighting.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's completely. I mean, how would I know you're aware that there's panda porn? It was a big story and you

[Unknown Guest]

were the porn master.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a big story.

[Anthony Ferrante]

I'm totally googling that later.

[Adam Carolla]

And I always said that the greatest moment in the world would be if all the scientists were sitting behind the two way mirror there and they're like gathered up and there are the clipboards and everything and they're showing the porn. And then the male started like sniffing around and next thing you know, they were kind of rubbing on each other. And then the male got up from behind and started mounting her and just started really vigorously having sex with her. And all the scientists were like, oh, my God, this is a banner day. And at the very last second, just pulled out and just went like. Just dropped the load right on her back and then looked at the fucking window. Deal with it, bitch. I'm gonna get blown next time. I'd be the greatest moment animal history, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Wait, what are we. What is this?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Panda porn. They're lucky they're cute because they sit around. I don't think they like us. They're too lazy to procreate. They don't do anything. And yet they're so fucking good looking.

[Anthony Ferrante]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Yeah. The cuddle factor is so off the charts with them. Yeah, that's them.

[Anthony Ferrante]

There it is.

[Allison Rosen]

They're actually watching panda porn.

[Anthony Ferrante]

That's panda porn.

[Unknown Guest]

You just traumatized me. I just thought of them as these nice animals.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, no, they're horrible.

[Ian Ziering]

They are.

[Adam Carolla]

They're horrible. They're scourge. Yeah, they have panda porn. Super confusing for the wife of the guy who works with the pandas before she finds out. But that night when she goes to use the computer. Oh, my God. He's in deep. I knew he loved pandas, but I know we loved, loved them.

[Allison Rosen]

Like we just saw, like, a panda gang bang or something. Yeah, there's a lot of pandas in that shot. That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip itcons.

[Ian Ziering]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, yes.

[Ian Ziering]

Ooh.

[Adam Carolla]

Pan NATO pandan pandemonium. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But M O a n. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Giant water spout kicks up, pulls all the panda bears out of China who are having sex at the same time. People that are trying to fuck. All right, Carolines. Artie Lang's coming out. Anthony, Ian, Allison, me and Bold Ryan saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your throat.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Foreign.

[Brian Bishop]

This is Adam Carlos show with 11:21 from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Up next, we have Adam Carlos show 11:33, another live show from Amalfi with Yakov Smirnoff, along with Allison Rose and Brian bishop, also from 2013. Check it out.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Yakov Smirnoff]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you so much for coming out. That's Allison Rosen over there.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Paul Bryan over there. And that's Yakov Smirnoff over here.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Good to see you.

[Adam Carolla]

Many questions for Yaakov Smirnoff. I feel like I've been sitting on these questions most of my adult life. Happily Ever Laughter Tour is gonna be the Acme Theater, which no matter how shit faced you get tonight, you should be able to find because you literally. I love that laugh. Now it's getting annoying. It's literally the theater that is right next door to us. And the theater that I started out in in North Hollywood and literally built many years ago in the NOHO district of North Hollywood, which has taken off quite a bit. It's the. They call it Broadway West. Oh, no, they don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Is the NOHO Arts District.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Right. By the way, somebody should take a look at the sign that welcomes you into the NOHO Arts District. It's like somebody took a refrigerator and it raped a washer, dryer stack and then it broke into the cage where they keep the spray paint at Home Depot. And this is what came out. Yeah, it's a weird arch of sheet metal that looks like sheet metal. It looks like, like how you would pronounce sheet metal.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Sheet.

[Adam Carolla]

Sheet.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Sheet.

[Adam Carolla]

Sheet metal.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like a piece of sheet metal.

[Adam Carolla]

Huge thing that says we have zero artistic integrity or ability, but welcome to our community.

[Allison Rosen]

But in the arts district. But the. Also here's the thing. I feel like if you're gonna go for an aesthetic that is just really raw and experience exposed and rustic, then it's got to be in a nice area because otherwise it just looks like a piece of shit like the rest of the place.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Well, somebody retweeted something I said the other Day. And I stand by it. Which is. I like my modern art outdoors, not in a museum. I want it outdoors so that birds can shit on it. Not a lot of you thought I was going to say so people could enjoy and children. No, it's just really so seagulls could on it. That's what I think of modern art. Yakov, you, what is your story? You came to this country from where? What year?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I came to America in 1977.

[Adam Carolla]

From what part of Mexico? There's the lab. Now, are you Russians allowed to drink or is it just a light switch? Once it's on, that's it.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You're just. This is strange. Those are our shots. That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So you come from Russia in 77.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

77. I didn't speak English and started in New York and then moved to LA and started performing at the Comedy Store.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you come here to do stand up comedy?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I was hoping to, but it's hard to do when you don't speak English. Right. I learned that very quickly.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah. And nobody was laughing. I was watching TV to learn the language. Then I realized it was a Spanish station. So that took a while. So then I had to relearn and then I started working in the Comedy Store. My roommate was Andrew Dice Clay.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you guys, you're the same dude. How did the ladies tell you apart? That's gonna make me laugh that way too. You and the Dice man were roommates and back in the, back in the day, who were some of the guys that were coming through the Comedy Store back in the day was Letterman.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, at that time, Robin Williams, Letterman, Jay Leno.

[Adam Carolla]

But big names, names we've heard of.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys said if, you know, gone on to do comedy, you know, not, not so much, you know, into trucking and working at Fotomats and things like that.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I was very fortunate.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I mean, you were there during a class of crazy perennial all stars. I mean, the notion that you were there when two of the guys you mentioned had gone on to be the kings of late night television and been on what are coming on a 25 year run, each of them is just astra. Astronomical. But. And then Sam Kinison, Andrew Dice Clay.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, there were many. Rosanne Barr, Howie Mandel, Jim Carrey, all those guys were at that time performing there.

[Adam Carolla]

And where, how, how did it work? So when you started working at the Comedy Store, how did you get hooked up, like as a roommate with Andrew Dice Clay?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Mitzi Shore, who's the owner of the

[Adam Carolla]

Comedy, Polly Shore's Mother, Mitzi Shore.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes. She owned a house right above the Comedy Store. And there was. It's a big house with several rooms. So she would just rent rooms to different comedians.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So you.

[Adam Carolla]

You bunked up with Andrew, with the dice man.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Dice man had his room. I had my room.

[Adam Carolla]

Now let me ask you this. Be truthful. Obviously, we know he was a smoker, but when he was alone and smoking, it was just Yakov and the dice man. And you're just watching a little Carson at night and he lights up a cigarette. Did he smoke it behind his head? Did he pull his arm all the way behind his head and smoke it that way?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes, he did. He was practicing on me. Yes, he would practice. How does that look? Does it look. Look good?

[Adam Carolla]

And if he was sitting down, would he go through his leg to smoke or would he just.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Sometimes, if I was lucky. Yes. Then it would be that way.

[Adam Carolla]

You feel like a guy wouldn't smoke two packs a day if it was that difficult to smoke.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. That be. It'd be like a way many people would quit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe that was his de facto exercise.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, geez. What'd you do to your shoulder, Andrew? I threw it out. Smoking.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

But it was.

[Adam Carolla]

But I have to have a hip replacement because I've been smoking sitting down too much.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

But can you picture this? Sam Kenison came on time and Andrew. And they got into the argument and San. What?

[Adam Carolla]

Sam and dice.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

But it was quiet, you know, it wasn't. No. And I was in the middle and I was going, guys, don't fight. Go take it down to the Comedy Store. And that's the first night when Sam went on stage and start screaming at the audience.

[Adam Carolla]

That was. That was the beginning of Sam Kinison screaming.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, I'm sure he screamed before, but.

[Ian Ziering]

Sure.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

At the audience. I think that was the first time.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you remember what their fight was about?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Probably about how many packs of cigarettes he was smoking.

[Adam Carolla]

Sam's arms were too short to smoke behind his head, and he felt like he was mocking Sam when he would smoke his cigarettes by reaching. That's exactly what it was.

[Ian Ziering]

Yes.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for reminding me. Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And also it was the dead of summer and he was wearing a wool duster and cap. And Andrew was angry about that because. Anger. Andrew would go sleeveless. So they really didn't have a lot of common ground.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I don't remember that part, but I.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll fill that in. I'll fill that in. So you come to this country. Did you do standup in Russia?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes, I did.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

You did?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes, I did. I was pretty successful at that time. I worked in the cruise ships. That's where I got to learn about America. I worked in the Soviet cruise ships and I called them Love Barge. And this was where a lot of people from different countries would tour around Black Sea. So I learned about America, I learned about other countries, and that's where I decided that I wanted to get out.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's my nickname for Oprah, by the way, Black Sea. But anyway, I don't want to use the whole word. It's offensive, but.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

But also the other reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Dawson liked that one. It took a few seconds. Sink in with Dawson over there.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

He was laughing at the first joke he made tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that was 20 minutes ago. Dawson, you're gonna love when Black Sea comes around and my Oprah. Black Sea comes in.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

The other reason I wanted to get out, because as a comedian, we had the Department of Jokes, which is not a joke. They literally would censor your material. Really? Yes. Every state would have a Department of Jokes. Then they would send the material to Moscow, which had the big Department of Jokes, and then you would have to stay with the script for a year. You couldn't do what you're doing here.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, you could do it once, but that would be the end, Right? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a version of that when I used to try to write for Jimmy's monologue ten years ago, and he'd go, no, not funny. Try it again. So it's a form of censorship. So you realize now, here we are. I grew up with very liberal and a very liberal environment. And they kept telling me during this whole Cold War thing, oh, no, no, no, no. We're just as bad as the Russians. We're every bit as bad as they are. And I used to say, yeah, but they're waiting in line to get food, and people are going to gulags. Although it sounds delicious, it's probably not a great place to go. I don't think we're as bad as they are. Oh, no, no, no, no. We're were just as bad as ever. How bad was Russia when you were

[Yakov Smirnoff]

there, comparatively to America?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Okay, well, here you had things we never had in Russia, like policemen had warning shots.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, we have warning shots.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Those are really nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah. In Russia, they didn't shoot up in the air. They would shoot you. And that was for a warning for an ex guy. So. No, it was. Oh, no, it's not comparison there.

[Adam Carolla]

And what's wrong with Russians? I'VE been wanting to ask this question to a Russian for a long time. Why are they so nuts? What's happened to them?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, they grew up that way. I mean, it's, it's, it's been history, you know, hundreds of years of suppression. They're used to that. And what Putin is doing, for example, now subtly, he, he makes the country the way it used to be, but he does it very subtle. And he was a prodigy of the kgb, and the KGB stands for kids. Goodbye your butt. Right. So it's really, what you're dealing with is just a conditioning that people are used to that kind of life.

[Adam Carolla]

So what do you. I mean, my belief is sort of the experiment is over between communism, socialism, capitalism and a lot of other isms. And capitalism just won. People seem like, they seem to like freedom. They seem to like the ability to sort of earn their own keep and do their own thing. And it just won out. I'm wondering why. Well, not why, but I wonder how it's going to look. Just like when I look at the Berlin Wall. Yes. When I, when I realized. We realized the Berlin Wall was up for as many years as it was up and up well into the 80s. And it took our own David Hasselhoff to go over there and take that wall down. Mr. Gorbitov, he sung it. I can't sing it like him, but he sung Mr. Gorbachev, take this wall down.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Hasselho.

[Adam Carolla]

Hasselhoff. I don't, I don't know, History major, but I do know that. And we're going to look back at that time and go, what the fuck was there a wall going through Berlin for? And of course, you could tell very easily which system was more effective because one system had people getting shot trying to tunnel under and climb over the wall to get to the other side of the system, which was flourishing. And then the other one was people driving around in two stroke cars from the 40s. So we did an experiment. We took a city, we put a fence down the middle of it. Half the people were happy, the other half were miserable. And they were trying to get over to be with the happy people. Experiment over what the fuck are we doing in 2013? Thank you. Get over there, straighten it out.

[Ian Ziering]

Jakob.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So what's the question?

[Adam Carolla]

My questions start as questions and then they go into long diatribes.

[Allison Rosen]

I think your question is, why is there still communism?

[Adam Carolla]

Why is there still communism? Where or whatever is anywhere there?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, there is no Communist. They're pretending there isn't anymore. However, they are trying to bring it back to the old system because they want control. They want to control people. And if there is Internet and there is, you know, all the. All the channels are coming, they can't control people.

[Adam Carolla]

Can. Can they get Spike TV over there?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, then they're cool. They shouldn't complain. So, I mean, because with the Internet. With the Internet, isn't it all over now with the Internet? Internet. I mean, now that they can see all what's going on around the world, I mean, when you were there, things were censored quite a bit, right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes, but then they're trying to do the same thing. Don't you think Americans are, you know, trying to do the same kind of a thing, going towards socialism more?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I do.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

And so why, why is that happening? It seems like the experiment that you just described, people being shot, going over the wall, and somehow the human nature, the concept of communism, it just seemed so appealing that everybody will be equal, but it's not human nature.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's very difficult to, I believe, elect people to a position of government and then tell them to shrink and retard themselves. You know what I mean? Like you are now, Brian, are elected the Grand Poobah of Amalfi.

[Allison Rosen]

Why did we let that happen?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

Pizza for everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. He made a lot of promises. He made a lot of promises, and he's now, he now runs this place. And now we're going to ask that he reel it in and. And bring it down a couple of notches. That's right. No, he wanted to run this place so he could run this place.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So only. Only women get drinks now.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right. And. And so he's going to run it and he's going to start implementing more and more of his ideas, and those ideas are going to cost you a little bit more.

[Brian Bishop]

And a little bald men drink free.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. There you go. So, you know, it's a. It's a pretty rare guy who goes, I would like to be president or a senator or congressman, and I would like to reel it in. It's more. Oh, no, I got ideas, and I want to implement those ideas. Thus the government grows. Thus we become a little bit more. A little closer to communism, in my humble opinion.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I think you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're an expert because you lived in the Soviet Union. You lived here now.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

When.

[Adam Carolla]

When you came here and started your homosexual affair with Andrew Dice Clay.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

When. When did we conclude that's the way I heard.

[Adam Carolla]

It's okay. With the swinging separate. And we don't judge here, especially in the Hollywood community. Did you ever. Were there repercussions? Because a lot of your act and I remember watching you on TV as a younger person, and you'd say, I'm gonna screw it up. But you'd say, you know, in America, you're free to, you know, call Ronald Reagan an idiot. And it is the same in Russia. We're free to call Ronald Reagan an idiot. Yeah, it was like, good job, right?

[Ian Ziering]

I was close.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. I was a young Carlos Mencia. I took that joke out on the road in the ninth grade.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So I like your version better, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

But did they. Were you. Your family was there Family? Back in the Soviet.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

There was family and there was fear on my part. They were too busy with their own problems. They never really. There was no repercussions. I kind of brought the humor to America and the Russians kind of forgot about me and it was fine. And what happened in the 90s, though, when the Soviet Union collapsed? David letterman had top 10 list on that evening of. It was a Christmas Eve of 1991. And top 10 list was things that will now change that the Soviet Union no longer there. And I made number one on the list. Yaakov Smirno will be out of work. And I thought it was funny too. But then I realized it wasn't because six months later, all my contracts were not renewed in Vegas, Atlantic City.

[Adam Carolla]

I was done. Because this was a time in history when there was such amazing tension between us and the Soviet Union. And Yakov would come over here and tell jokes, basically talking shit about the Soviet Union. And we ate it up with a fork and spoon. It was unbelievable. No one had ever seen that before.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

And I thought it was just because I was funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's. There was a little of that. You weren't unfunny. But everyone loved it so much. And it was, you know, the, you know, it was second only to the US Hockey team winning at Lake Placid.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So now. So you go from one of the highest grossing probably comedians of the 80s.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I mean, couldn't turn on the TV without seeing Yakov on their playing where. Brag a little about your career.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, I, I did the movie was Robin Williams.

[Adam Carolla]

That's enough. That's enough. That's enough. I want to tell the people about my new movie coming up. No, no. Moscow and the Hudson, Moscow Williams.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Then I did a movie with Tom Hanks. Money Pit movies. Meryl Streep, Jack Nicholson, Heartburn after working with me, all of those actors won an Oscar. Just saying. All right, okay. And then I did night courts. I did a lot of HBO special, Showtime special. So there was a lot of things that I was doing on television.

[Adam Carolla]

But I mean, when you would play a theater, you would play a big theater, right.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

2,000 seat theaters were normal that I would play. And then all of a sudden none of that was there anymore. It was just like vacuum. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I know at some point you ended up in Branson, Missouri.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, in Branson they did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed.

[Adam Carolla]

This risky is funny. I tell you what.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So it worked out and I am not telling them even now, you know, So I bought the theater. 2000C theater. And I've been there last 20 years. Years. How does.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, do you ever meet my friend Philip Welford? Yeah, Philip the juggler just tragically passed a few months ago. Yeah, he went to Branson. He did as well. People have no idea what the hell is going on in Branson, Missouri. You get a, you know, the Osmonds have a theater.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You get Tony Orlando, Andy Williams had a theater there. Right. I mean there are a lot of, a lot of, of celebrities.

[Adam Carolla]

You get a 2,000 seat theater. You buy this 2,000 theater, you do how many shows a week?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Six shows a week. Six shows, eight months a year.

[Adam Carolla]

They bus in all the tourists.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes. Do the shows sell out a lot of times? Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you just make a ton of dough, Right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You entertain. I entertain over 4 million people. So you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, entertain is how you describe it. But either way, I mean, look, we didn't.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no way to know if they're all technically entertained.

[Brian Bishop]

But did you ask each and every

[Adam Carolla]

1,4 million souls passed through the door. That much we can say entertain again. That's your interpretation. But that's 4 million souls pass through the door.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

They bought T shirts and coffee mugs before they split, Right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Correct, correct.

[Adam Carolla]

And that sounds like pretty good business to me.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's a good business. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, so what is the schedule like? I mean, can you literally just get up in the morning and play around of golf?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You could? Yes. I, you know, I ran a Theater. It's 60 people working there, so it's a lot of work. It totally changed from being a stand up comedian to a business person. You run a theater and, and I did the schedule so my show would be in a matinee so I could spend time with my family and still do my shows.

[Adam Carolla]

And you'd have other acts come in There. And there's. Is there a season?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes, the season is about nine months. It's from March to December. And it's pretty remarkable how that machine works, you know, and it's all very clean. There's nobody Costa. The whole thing is just very, very. It's like Bible Belt. And the. The area kind of protects. Protects itself. So you don't have to leave grandma sitting in a car. Right. Mentally scratching you on her out of her will.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird. Like it didn't exist, I don't know, 20, 25 years ago. And I don't know know why. Branson, Missouri. But somehow it turned into this enclave of celebrities going there and buying theaters. And you'd go, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it like. Is it suburban or.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's a small town. It's only 6,000 people live there.

[Adam Carolla]

They all come in from.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes. Seven million people come to Branson every year. And I, you know, I. I live.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Sturgis for over old people.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah. And I lived in la, so I moved. I mean, I've been learning English for 20 years. Then I moved to the Ozarks. I had to start all over again.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah, sure.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You know, so.

[Adam Carolla]

So they.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

They.

[Adam Carolla]

It was weird. And you go. There's a part of you that goes like, oh, poor Andy Williams, he had to go to Branson. Poor Andy Williams has, you know, two, three thousand seats.

[Unknown Guest]

Not.

[Brian Bishop]

He's not poor.

[Adam Carolla]

He's doing a show or two, you know, maybe a couple on the weekend. He owns the theater. He's keeping the money. I mean, you do the business, do the numbers on that kind of business. It's insane, right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's pretty good.

[Ian Ziering]

Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

So you don't need. You're good for money, right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'm okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You're okay. You're going out and doing it for the love of.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Totally, totally. This message, the show that I'm bringing here, it's called Happily Ever Laughter, and it's a show that I did on Broadway and it got great reviews. Just in case you want to.

[Adam Carolla]

This dude looks like you on this flyer.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

And so the show got great review from New York Times, and now I brought it here and I'm really passionate about this. I really believe that I found some. That's kind of unique that people in the beginning of the relationship, they experience a lot of laughter in a courtship, during the honeymoon stage, and they don't know how to sustain it. Right. The comedian. It became a quest for me.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I Remember the first time my wife saw my dick? I remember that.

[Ian Ziering]

I remember the laughter.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember the laughter there. And it's died out. That's died out.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's not the. Not talking about pointing and laughing. That's a different. That's different laughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So that's what the show is about. And I believe that it's been received very well here. And I extended, you know, to stay here a little bit longer before I get a go. And I'm gonna go to Branson October and November and do shows there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Kick that Jimmy Osmond in the nuts for me, would you, over there?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like that kid. He eyeballs me. I've never met him. I just don't like the cut of his jib, you know, I've always said that laughter is the second best medicine. Let's face it, medicine's the first medicine. Yeah. You got full blown aids, you want some azt. And then you can laugh about it.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Let's not.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not. Let's get our priority straight, people.

[Brian Bishop]

Laughter. Laughter's good, don't get me wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Penicillin, the choice. Or radiation or whatever. And then you can laugh.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Second or third best medicine, depending on how many. How many you're on.

[Brian Bishop]

I have a question for you, Yakov. Since you become. Since you became popular here in America, have you been back to Russia as a performer or to the Soviet Union as a performer?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, I did go back. First time I went back was 1990, and Showtime called me and they said, we'd like you to go to Russia. And I said, what did I do to you? And they said, the Berlin Wall is down. I said, yeah, but what if they're just remodeling? But they convinced me to go and I did the show there, and then I did portion of the show in Moscow, Idaho. So the name of the show was Yakov Smirno from Moscow, Idaho. And it got great reviews. And so it. And then since then, I went back several times. He changed tremendously. He did big time.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going to take a couple of questions from the audience and then we got some news to get into and all that good stuff. Brian, you have. And I should tell. All right, shall we now go to some audience questions? Yes, yes. With the Mangria bottle. God bless you. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

My question is, you famously told us

[Adam Carolla]

how little calories your parents spent raising you. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

When you were a kid, I was always wondering how hard they have grandparents.

[Adam Carolla]

My.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's rephrase the question for the listener.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I will tell. My parents spent little to no calories. They went from a pack of sweet and low worth of calories burnt raising their children to I would say a puffed rice cake with maybe, just, maybe just a hint of peanut butter on it. Just a playing card smear where they're not bad. They're not bad, but they're still, you know, they like staying home. They're, they're, they're, they're home bodies. Although their homes are piles of shit, which is always funny to me. The people I've really shitty homes and like, I guess it's like living in your car. It's always the worst car that you're living in.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you're right.

[Brian Bishop]

What is a typical gift from your parents to Sonny and Natalia? Well, they chintzy with the gifts or are they up their game?

[Adam Carolla]

I, the, I had a nice laugh that we were, we were talking about the other day, which was my, in the, for their birthday in the mail, they got an envelope with a dollar for every year they'd been on the planet. So they each got seven single dollars, which is nice if you adjust for inflation. When I was seven, I got a dime for every year I was on the planet. So it's kind of sticking with the Corolla theme, but it was funny.

[Allison Rosen]

Incredible cheapness. Well, what's that sticking with the Corolla theme of incredible cheapness?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. As they were opening that envelope with the seven measly, I mean, the $7 in there, the doorbell rang. There was a guy standing there with huge Mylar balloons and a hundred dollar bill for each kid from Uncle Jimmy. So they were, Jimmy Kimmel really stole, I would call it thunder, maybe a little static cling, but they stole my, my dad, that was my dad and my stepmom. Static cling. They're like, you know, well intentioned people, basically. You know when you're driving along and you see a bad accident on the side of the road and you think to yourself, someone should call 91 1. That's how they raise their family. Now, you didn't pull over and start kicking the person that was injured or, you know, try to set the car on fire or ram them. You just drove past it, you slowed down a little bit, you thought about it, you looked at it a little concern and then you went, someone should do something about that. That's how they approach life. Somebody should do something about that. Yes, thank you. Yes, back here. Oh, up front. Wow. All right. Hey.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, intelligent people generally either read a lot, have really good parents, or are

[Adam Carolla]

very well educated, intelligent people. Yes, thank you. I'm none. I don't read a lot. I don't read at all. I was not educated and I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't have good parents.

[Adam Carolla]

I have good parents. Yes.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So how.

[Unknown Guest]

How do you explain it?

[Adam Carolla]

I was either touched by God or possibly touched inappropriately by Satan. They never talk about that part. Diddled by Satan.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Someone should do something.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, statute of limitations has run out on Beelzebub. I. I had a lot of time observing. I had a lot of downtime. I was not stimulated as a child. My parents were out to lunch. We didn't have that much lunch, and the TV was too small and black and white, and I had a lot of time to just sort of observe. And then when I got into construction, people think construction. They do. They have a movie version of construction construction or a TV commercial version of construction where there's like two white guys and one black guy and they're both cleanly shaven and they're wearing hard hats

[Allison Rosen]

and they have lunch pails.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they're holding their lunch pails and things like that. It's really just a lot of, hey, you get up on the roof and scrape that shit off it, and you just go to the roof and you just work alone. And I had jobs where, for instance, when we would do earthquake rehab, I would have to go into these. No. Bedroom units, these little single units, and sit on the bathtub on a piece of plywood and replace every piece of tile that we tore off to put the shear wall up in order to conform with the earthquake rehab standards. So I spent many, many, many, many hours just alone putting up pieces of tile or not getting laid or not playing catch with my dad. And I think I had quite a bit of time to think. And I. There's this thing where we think kids are supposed to be stimulated all the time. Supposed to be playing a video game, engaged, playing a sport, playing, you know, doing something. Get the kid engaged, get him up, get him out. It's just a waste of my time. Yeah. I don't, you know, this notion that, again, that you're supposed to be touring a museum with someone else's artwork hanging on the wall your entire life. I'm not buying into that notion. I would rather my kid sit home with a pencil and a empty pad and try to create their own stuff. And I just had a lot of that time. I also was never indoctrinated into a way of Thinking. So my parents aren't Mormon and they're not Jewish and they're not spiritual. And no one ever said, listen, you know, there was no Johnny Cash songs where there was like, son, this is how life works. No, nobody told me how life worked. Nobody said, you know, according to our faith, according to our traditions, according to our ethnicity. I just got left alone. So every opinion I formed was my own. Every idea I had was my own. And I think that helped me think in a clear fashion. Although many people disagree with my thoughts.

[Brian Bishop]

For example, one question, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Earthquake rehab. Look, I've said it once, I've said it again. I think everybody could benefit from six months in solitary confinement, honestly, catch up on sleep. Being violently raped. 6. All right, you know what? Passively raped. I'm gonna, I'm gonna dial that one back.

[Brian Bishop]

How do you get raped in solitary confinement?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they have that tray where they put the food through that opening. You know, where the food goes through. Yeah, you can get a. Through there. Absolutely, absolutely. And if you can't, we gotta. That guy needs a high five. I do believe everybody, you know, like they say, you know, you know, Mormons go on their mission and what have you. After high school, spend a year doing shit work. Spend a year just digging ditches and picking up garbage. Just solitary work, just walking, just literally sitting in the same pit, digging a hole. It's just a waste of my time to your mind. But when you're in the same hole for eight hours a day, literally no earbuds and no best of anything and no ipod, just digging a ditch for eight hours, your mind just runs wild. Your mind, it's almost like, you know when they say you go into the sensory deprivation tank and you start hallucinating like you're on mushrooms?

[Anthony Ferrante]

It's a.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a dirt walled version of that. Thank you. Powerful, powerful. Go home and dig a ditch, people. Turn off that TV and dig a ditch. Ass up front. Where's all the hair? I figure there's no hair on anyone. Did I. Oh, can people. Yeah, I don't.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, people who have never done drugs have a good sense of humor as people who have done drugs can

[Allison Rosen]

they be stretched out.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at Dane Cook. He's never done. Ah, He'd be killed if he did drugs in southern Russia.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, I'll tell you a good story. This at the comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll decide if it's good. Yakov.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

We'll decide if it's a good story.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Okay. Okay, I'll tell you. I'LL tell you, don't put a pressure on yourself. Just say this story. In, in that comedy house, there are a lot of parties were going on. Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

You and Sam Kennedy in the party house.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So I would come and I would go to bed early because I didn't, I didn't party. And I would get up in the morning and there was a mirror on the table and I, and there was some powder on it. And I thought they were eating donuts off that mirror. And I kept, and I would wipe a mirror off and hang it on the wall and next day it would be the same thing. And I'm going to. Why can't you use dishes? That way we can, we can put it in the dishwasher and then we can clean it. And they would laugh at me and I didn't know why they were laughing, so.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Wow.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Leno did that kind of booger sugar back in the day. Man, I knew that cat was out of control. No, I heard, I hear you talking. I hear Yaga Leno's with the Bolivian

[Yakov Smirnoff]

marching paddle sign stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, no, no, I got it. I always knew it. I always knew it. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Sorry. Over here. Yeah, I had money missing. I blame my son, Sonny. He, I don't believe he was the culprit who stole my money. Several hundred dollars. Because he never, you know, it's not like I, I saw him and he had a new ride or he's wearing a fur coat or wanted to introduce me to his lady friend Monique, you

[Pluto TV Announcer]

know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, hey, where'd you get that? Rolex Submariner? Just picked it up at a pawn shop, you know, here and there. So he, he never. The money, he never spent it. And now maybe he's the most diabolical kid in the planet, but he's really not. He's, he's the sweetest kid in the planet. The girl's a different story, but, well, she's tough. She's tough. But no, he didn't do it. Although, like I said, he did get into trouble initially by stealing $40 and it was found in his backpack. Although he claimed he was just trying to protect it for daddy. But yeah, it is funny when kids, kids talk about money. Like you go, like you pull up in the. I'm not driving it. But there's a Lamborghini Aventador out there. It's a weird thing. There's a $450,000 Lamborghini Aventador parked out there. And Matt D' Andrea said to Me, you want to swap cars and drive the $450,000 car for a couple days? And I said, no, no, I. Not every day. Like, I can't. I'm going to Home Depot and stuff. What if a couple day laborers just jump on top of it? You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

You will get some dirty looks at Whole Foods, my friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, it's. It is no Prius. It gets four miles to the gallon, for Christ's sake. I just can't. I can't take the responsibility of it. But, you know, it's funny when kids see cars like that, and they'll go, I'll bet that cost $100 or $1,000. And you're like, yeah, yeah, no, that wouldn't cover the fucking bumper, son. But you're amusing. I don't think he. I don't think he stole it. No, no, I. No, I did. I did. I did poke. I did poke around, you know, no cavity searches that would. I mean, I didn't do it. I had the nanny do it. Obviously, I. I didn't want to cross

[Allison Rosen]

the line, but now, that was against Lynette's wishes, right?

[Adam Carolla]

The search.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Money to her. She doesn't have the same relationship I have with money. I have the. I have to work every fucking weekend relationship with money. She has the. I have to go to sushi every weekend relationship with money. While I'm working my relationship with money money. So it's a different relationship she has with money. That was one of. Tell me where you would land on this one, Yakov. That was one one of my greatest moments I had with Lynette is I was out of work. Like, when I. I had this weird period in my life where I lost my job. There were no TV jobs. There were no radio jobs. I was getting paid the remaining remainder of my contract for about nine or 10 months, but then come January 1, cut off, and I didn't have a job. And like I said there, no one was knocking on my door offering any jobs. And I was, for the first time in, you know, 15 years of show business, sort of legitimately concerned about what I would be doing. Would I have to move to another market? Was that going to get. Get another morning show?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You should go to Branson.

[Adam Carolla]

I should have went to Branson, Yes. And open for.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

They don't know that you lost job. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

So we went out to dinner, and my buddy, Daniel Kelison from the. The man show, and he invited us out. I mean, not Formally. But he said, you know, why? Don't mean you and the wives get together, and we'll go to. Oh, what's that? Beverly Hills place. Not Crustacean, but the other Mr. Chow's. We'll go to Mr. Chow's and we'll go have a little nice dinner. And of course, when you know that the clock is ticking on your non job, like you now. I was literally counting the days, like, all right, I now have three and a half months before I get cut off. And we're gonna go out to Mr. Chow's for dinner. And Daniel orders like he's a high rap star. I guess that's redundant. Like, he's high and on death row, and dad owns the restaurant. Like, he wants every cocktail made into a double. And he may wants it all out of special vodka. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

He's on death row records. Or.

[Adam Carolla]

And if somebody says, you know that. I guess either way, when they're talking about, like, the entrees, like, we have the lobster market price, he'll be like, can we. Can we have that as an appetizer? And your mind is just going, cha, ching, cha ching. And you can see the people's eyes lighting up. Oh, yeah, we can make it into an appetizer. Yeah, we can. And at the end of the meal, when the bill comes and it's, you know, 733 $3 or whatever it was, I reach for my wallet. Daniel reaches for his wallet, and Lynette gives him the. Your money's no good here. And I give me. Oh, yes, it's very well received here. It is better than good here. It is excellent here. And she gives me this. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Daniel, put your wallet away. And I'm like, keep it out, buddy. Keep it out. And whip it out and leave it out. And she's like, put the. And I had to do the. Hey, sorry. They asked us out for dinner. I'm willing to go Dutch.

[Brian Bishop]

You didn't do the movie thing and, like, step on her foot?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I did not do the sitcom move. I just went quiet. We're splitting this shit. Please. I know money is no object, but to me, it's a huge object, and we're running out of it. So we have a slightly different relationship with money. But the good news is, as she frequently points out, she doesn't spend it either. Like, she's not into jewelry or fur coats or any, you know, Bentleys or Rolls Royce. She doesn't have exotic anything. She just wants the best for the kids and wants to pay for Daniel's super expensive Chinese food. That. Those are two loves. All right, let's do. Let's do one more before we go to some news. All right, let's do two more in the back. Scream it out. This is my first week in la, and I brought three people who have never heard your podcast before. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And I wanted to know if you could recap.

[Adam Carolla]

I know it's your least favorite subject, the former mayor, your thoughts on it for them, and also your thoughts on the current mayor, who I've never heard you really talk about that much. Next story.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Next.

[Adam Carolla]

As far as Tony Villar, the mayor we currently just. He didn't. He didn't get voted out. He just got sort of ran his term. I like to think of myself as one of Those World War II veterans who came back to the States and saw a lot of really ugly things overseas, but was just wanted to get on with his life. You know, those old guys, they just don't want to talk about a lot

[Brian Bishop]

of stuff you just want to forget.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had to bayonet a few Krauts. I looked into a few man's eyes and watched him die. I saw a few pictures of their kids fall out of their wallets. But I don't want to relive that horror. I'm going to wake up with night sweats throwing punches into the air, you understand? So I cannot go over that now in terms of replacing Tony Valar, he could be replaced with either a plastic snowman or one of those owls they put on top of the seafood joints that are down by the beach so that seagulls don't shit on the sign. And that would be not a lateral move. That would be a step toward the light. Okay? So those are my feelings on him. And if Garcetti, as long as he was not replaced by himself, we are taking a step toward the light. Thank you. And now the one more guy from the back that looks like he was on the COVID of the Bad Religion album that. You guys are gonna have to go home and Google that shit. And then you will laugh, but go ahead. Oh, Rutledge Wood. He's lost a lot of weight, number one. And his defense. Yeah, so they would probably call him Rutledge, not the fat bearded guy. Just to be fair to them. I did the pilot to that show. That show is an odyssey. I mean, they're on the road, they're traveling to parts unknown. You know what people don't realize about a lot of those shows? And a lot of movies, although Yakov, you could speak to this. I try to tell people all the time when you do a movie, like, you know, when you're doing Rambo 3 and Sly Stallone is strapped to a bamboo cage and being dipped in a swamp and then pulled up again and he's inverted, that may be taking place on a lot in Culver City. But for the time that Sylvester Stallone is lashed to that thing and he's going underwater and being pulled up again, that is what he's doing. Like when you make a movie where you're trapped in a swamp, you're in a swamp. And we did a pilot where the idea was to drive to Badwater Basin in Death Valley in August. And I was driving like an 87 Firebird that was Midnight Blue with no headliner and no air conditioner. And it was 132 degrees at Badwater Basin. The lowest sea level mark in maybe the world. Probably the hottest place in the world or second hottest place in the world. They have it marked up on a rock where sea level is. You're down about 270 or 30ft below sea level. And when I jumped into the Denali with the digital thermometer and a temperature readout in there and the air conditioner, it read 132. I mean, you've not seen. You've seen that thing on your dash, it said 112 or 114. When you're on your way to Vegas, you've not seen a 1 and then a 3 and then a number after that. So I almost killed myself the first time we made the pilot. I'm sure I would kill myself if I was ever brought on full time. And I have a million and ten things to do. So I wish all those guys well. But I can tell you how bad my pilot batting average is, is that I have never. I made a pilot. It was called Loveline. It got picked up and then it got dropped and it went away and then it got picked up by mtv. It was a syndicated late night show. The man show was a pilot that got picked up, that was made by abc and then it got dropped and was picked up by Comedy Central. Top Gear. USA was a pilot that was made for. I think NBC that I starred in was dropped and then picked up a year later by History History Channel. So three pilots I've done have been made, dropped, picked up by somebody else and had gone on. I mean, they're on season four, season five. The man show went four seasons and only stopped because we wanted that. Loveline went, who knows, 10, eight seasons or whatever they count on MTV Dog Ear seasons. So it's a. It's a weird thing. And the sweet irony is I was doing a pilot for NBC when Top Gear got picked up by the History Channel. And they called me and they said, guess what? We got picked up. And I said, unfortunately, I'm shooting another pilot for NBC, which of course did not get picked up. Thank you. Thank you. It's a great business when, When a

[Allison Rosen]

pilot gets dropped and then picked up by someone else. How. How does that happen? Does someone send it out or try to push it to other people? Or do they. Is there some way that they have access to it?

[Adam Carolla]

What happened? Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't happen anymore because these shows have the stink of failure on them. These pilots have the stink of failure, except for the people that passed on them are imbeciles and have all been fired since. So. But here's the whole thing. I make a pilot for NBC and the ladies who lunch pass on it, but instead they decide accidentally on purpose is going to be a winner. And then they do eight episodes and that tanks. And then the Paul Reiser one comes on, and then that tanks. And then another one called, you know, Happy Couples comes on and that tanks. Maybe you should look at some of the ones that. These geniuses. And when I say geniuses, I mean semi retarded people with no sense of humor. Maybe you should take a look at the one they passed on. Meaning if there was a sofa store, if there was a furniture store and there was all different kinds of sofas, and you told this interior design expert, go pick out your three favorite sofas. And then they brought them all home and you're like, my God, this is the ugliest shit I've ever seen. This wouldn't be the. The great Bishop Don Magic Wand would not allow this in his shitty pimp apartment. That's how ugly it is. Don't you think you'd want to make a trip back to the furniture store to see the ones that the person with no eyes and no design ability passed on?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

They rarely do that. They used to do that. They did it with the Man Show. They did it with Lovelines, and the last time they did it, they did it with Top Gear. By the way, the reason NBC didn't pick up Top Gear is because they're retards at MTV or at NBC decided to pick up Knight Rider. They wanted to blow the dust off of the turd known as Knight Rider in literally like 2010, like, somebody at the executive level said, you know what? We're missing Knight Rider. And they brought back Knight Rider. And are you guys sitting down? It failed. So then the same retarded person said, well, if that car show fails, then this other car show that is nothing, like it will surely fail as well.

[Allison Rosen]

That is insane.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the business we have chosen. That's why I built a fucking pirate ship. Because to have to sit around and hope that these people make the right decision is literally career suicide.

[Allison Rosen]

What's weird is that when one disposable lady who lunches loses her job, they're just replaced. Like, it just seems to be the same inept people that keep that have the jobs.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how it works. The least funny people from their high school end up running the comedy department. All right, look, I can see your balls from here, so put your hand down.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

All right?

[Adam Carolla]

My parents both been divorced four times each. Four times each.

[Brian Bishop]

Incredible losers.

[Allison Rosen]

But my grandparents bought Rooster's millions.

[Adam Carolla]

This movie with the. I got Smirnoff in it.

[Allison Rosen]

And me and my brother used to

[Brian Bishop]

watch it all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the only movie they had. And we just wanted to say thank you. Oh, he gets that every day. Son Yakov gets that whole parents divorce.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Did I save their marriage by being in the movie?

[Adam Carolla]

His parents were divorced four times. Both of them divorced four times. It's like, are they Liz Taylor and Richard Burton? Like, who are your parents divorced four times? But Brewster's Millions saved your childhood. Oh, okay. Richard Pryor. John Candy.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes. Yeah, good memory. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How were those guys?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Oh, they were fantastic. I. I had a blast working with them. Three months with Richard Pryor on the set. That, that's been. It was before he set himself on fire. So I wasn't there.

[Adam Carolla]

It was pre fire sale. Yeah. And John Candy, he seemed like a

[Ian Ziering]

hell of a guy.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

He was great.

[Adam Carolla]

John Candy. You know, there's. There's a handful of guys, like, when you find out they're not with us anymore, like, you know, one of the Coreys, you're kind of like, well, hold on. I didn't pop a bottle of champagne when Corey Haim died, but I went like, well, I. I won't miss his art. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

This is, this is a stirring tribute.

[Adam Carolla]

He left us too soon. No doubt.

[Allison Rosen]

But I did not license to Drive two was gonna come out.

[Adam Carolla]

I did not think. I was not lamenting the loss of drive two. Right. All right. He was gone. I was not Happy about it.

[Allison Rosen]

But artistically, you didn't have a Corey Haim shaped hole in your heart.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't feel like anybody impacted my life that much. When John Candy died, I was like, I could have seen him in a few more movies, you know, like, I could have seen him do a serious role at this point in his career. He would have been now, what, you know, 61 and doing some real serious work.

[Brian Bishop]

He'd be doing what John Goodman was doing right now. John Goodman was in like four movies last year. Four big movies. John, John Kane certainly would have been at least one of those.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And yeah, I mean, I. I'm guessing he would be late 50s, early 60s, and doing some really cool work right now. I felt, I felt that way about Phil Hartman as well. I felt like that guy, you know, that's a guy whose work I'm going to. Going to miss.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

And I was lucky to work with Richard Pryor because when I came to America, into Hollywood, I was. I was told to go see Richard Pryn concert. And it was a. It just came out at that time. It was something I could learn English from. And.

[Adam Carolla]

In the movie theater.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

In the movie theater, yes. And I went and I saw it three times. And I walked out of there. I said, boy, he's such a great family man. Because every other word he kept saying something about his mother. And then I realized it was a different mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yes. Yeah, he did. If anybody's ever seen any documentaries or anything on Richard Prior, he did this thing that was as insane as they get, which is. There was a. It was before YouTube and all this, and he'd be crucified. Now, back then it was a little kerfuffle, but today there's a big thing at the Hollywood bowl. And it was like Bette Midler was going to do a thing. And it was whole gay night out and, and it seemed very before its time, but it was 1979, 1980, something like that. And it was a whole gay rights thing. Hollywood bowl, come on out. Fabulous, fellas. Night of entertainment. Raise awareness, raise money. You know, get those politicians, I don't know what. They weren't asking for marriage at that point, but they wanted equality, other things. And they had a whole slate of stars lined up. And like I said, someone like Bette Midler was going to perform and they had other performers. Richard Pryor was slated to perform as well. And Richard Pryor just went out there in front of this packed Hollywood bowl crowd, you know, 18,000 people in there and went, listen, quit complaining. You gay motherfuckers. You don't think my people have been through. Through twice that you people have been through. We've been through twice as much, so why don't you kiss my black ass? And I swear to God, he just walked off stage. And, you know, it was bad because the emcee of the night, it was not a famous person. It was just the guy who, like, organized it, did the worst thing you can do in that situation, which he did that. I. I'm. I want to apologize for that. I don't know what that was. I mean, it was acknowledged. Is. It wasn't. I'm gonna do 10 minutes of comedy and then slide into this tirade. Literally, I'm just gonna come out, yell at all of you, call you homos, tell you to quit complaining, and tell you to kiss my black ass. And he left. That was. That was it. Did your. Did your manager tell you to watch that? Because that would have been a bad move.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That would have been.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you remember that?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I. I was not following him at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you remember that kerfuffle?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah. No, I don't remember.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm from the United States. I don't know what the word kerfuffle means, but that was a kerfuffle.

[Allison Rosen]

How much attention did that get at the time?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it was. It was. It got as much attention as it could, except for social media. There was no social media. So it's like a little thing on page two, you know, Richard Pryor, angers gay community or whatever. But there were some things in the newspaper. I don't know, Gary, look that thing up. Find. Find that. That Richard. It was. But it just goes away because it just doesn't exist. There's no Twittersphere. You know, there's nobody talking shit. I mean, he literally went out to this 18,000 person strong, you know, sold out, eventually told everyone to suck his dick and to fuck off. And it wasn't a little. It was kind of derogatory. And it basically said, like, you people think you got problems. Fuck you. I'm black. I got real problems. And stormed off the stage. That was all he did.

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder. See, I would think that almost that many comedians could identify with the desire to go on stage and yell at an audience. Not about those issues. Shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. I'd like to yell at all you guys right now. I'm just too drunk to stand up. All right, Gary will find that. We'll do some news, and Allison Rosen will bring us that. Shall she?

[Ian Ziering]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

It's Allison.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

When it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it. I should tell people. And like I said, I suggest you guys all just get drunk and pass out in the theater until Yakov hits the stage. WWW Yoff.com is how you get tickets. It is. Y a k o v.com is how you get tickets to the show Happily Ever Laughter playing right next door at the Acme Theater. And by the way, this is a big Broadway show brought into a very intimate environment. So tickets are going to go quickly. You want to jump on that? All right, Gary, you tell me when you find that story.

[Brian Bishop]

All right?

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. So a 13 year old girl in Sacramento died from a peanut allergy. Adam, I don't want you to feel like I'm bringing a story that is going to piss you off, but a lot of people have sent this to me and they want your take on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I never denied that there was and is and has always been peanut allergies. People are born with shit. Like people are born with defective heart valves. That doesn't mean everybody with a good heart valve can't fly in a plane with them. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I understand and it's sad. And it's always been that people are born differently and sometimes in a negative way than others. If you're born with a horrific peanut allergy, one that even their EpiPen.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's really weird. So she was 13. She was very conscious of how careful she had to be. But she had a bite of a Rice Krispie treat. It tasted like peanut butter because it had like a peanut butter. And the frosting on the top. She spit it out, was fine for about 20 minutes and then she started wheezing and going into cardiac arrest. They injected her with epinephrine, which for most people who have this allergy, that's enough. They injected her three times and it still didn't work. And she died that night.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I have very sad and sobering news for people. People will die. Sometimes young people will die. We always want to know why some people are going to die at 30, 13. We're all gonna die eventually. Yakov and I know what it's like to die on stage and come back to life.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's going to happen. And all I'm saying is, is you cannot clear the entire school and make it a peanut free zone because Somebody has an allergy. And the problem is, is we don't know because everything is being so grossly overstated. This person obviously had a very legitimate peanut allergy. Thus they're dead because of their peanut exposure. This then gets turned into a bunch of hypochondriac moms who, you know, who. Who have Munchausen's byproduct. Munchausen by Proxen. Love that movie. Baron Munchausen by Proxy syndrome. And thus, well, meet.

[Allison Rosen]

Meet schools that are afraid of lawsuits, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Meets. My kid is going to grow up without peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which is a crime. So if you have. Look, I'm serious. There needs to be special schools if you have an allergy of this point. But if you're allergic to something that is almost ubiquitous in our society, there's a decent chance it may claim you. You know what I'm saying? If you were allergic to car backfires, you're probably not going to see your 85th birthday, right?

[Allison Rosen]

If I were allergic to phlegm on the street, I'd be dead by now.

[Adam Carolla]

You lived in la. You would not in many parts of Canada. Yes, Gary. It was in 1977 and it was called Star Spangled Night for rights. And about halfway through the show, Richard Pryor came on stage and criticized the show for emphasizing gay rights over human rights, pointing out the sparse. Hold on, what about drunk rights? He pointed out the sparse showing of blacks in the audience and said that when the Watts section of Los Angeles was being burned in 1965, quote, you were doing what you wanted on Hollywood Boulevard and didn't give a damn about it. He then delivered 15 minutes of biting humor satirizing gay rights and walked off the stage by saying, you can kiss my black ass and dropping the mic. Just what the promoters had in mind. Just with the promoters had in mind.

[Allison Rosen]

You left out that he did 15 minutes of humor satirizing them.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

That. The part of the documentary I saw just saw him go out on stage, basically go like, hey, man, when Watts was on fire, where are all you homoscience?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

And then he.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he told everyone to kiss his black ass and walked off stage. And the poor person. I'm so sorry. It was like Harvey Fierstein's like, younger brother, like, got ran up there screaming like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which made it worse, but more comical to me at home.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. In this day and age, that would be a career ender.

[Adam Carolla]

Would that. Would that not be a career? It was 18,000 people at the Hollywood Bowl.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you wouldn't even be able to get through the, the 15 minutes. First of all, in this day and age.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Pulled off stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. That would be a career ender. Yeah, there were some, some blurbs and some newspapers and I don't know if his, you know, publicist made some sort of official sorry to the gay community. Now let me get back to smoking crack or whatever it was, you know, just some sort of blanket statement of like, we sincerely Apollo, you know, blah, blah, blah, you know, and then he just went on to make movies.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I was just gonna say think about this. Within five years, he was starring in PG rated family type films like the Toy and.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Superman 3. I mean, he was in like familyish films.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. No, I. Look, I don't know, I. You know, maybe because he was a minority and sort of pitted his minority against their minority or something, but. But that would not go over well today. No.

[Allison Rosen]

Superman 3 scared the shit. That's the one where the. She turns something with a robot. Someone turns into a robot, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. You're 100, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Am I the only person who was really afraid?

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this about robots. Robots, as we learned from Pacific Rim, although those are good robots, but robots are really, can be some of the scariest as, you know, Terminator.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The ones, the ones in Pacific Rim weren't robots. They were controlled by the humans. The independent thinking robots are bad ones.

[Adam Carolla]

The independent. But the Terminator and many other movies have many evil robots. But yet somebody doing the robot, the most delightful thing at the party. That's range. That's range. Because normally, like something, some things are bad. You know what I mean? Like, Nazis are bad.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So then doing the Nazi would not be entertaining to anybody.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a weird kind of porn.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But robots are bad. Doing the robot, delightful.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Can you do the robot?

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta get pretty drunk, but I could do it.

[Brian Bishop]

So. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

The answer is yes. I don't like to brag about myself, you know, I don't like to discuss myself. Not on stage.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know anything about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know anything about the level of embarrassing dancing you do at weddings.

[Adam Carolla]

I can do. I can do the robot. I've tried the robot. Most of the stuff I do is while I'm performing. So it's like while I'm doing Hell is for Children by Pat Benatar.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, okay, so this might surprise you. It turns out that the book that is most requested by high value detainees in Guantanamo, it's not the Koran, which I think it is. It is the Shades of Gray series. Isn't that weird and surprising?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, every time everyone calls us monsters, I think we translated it into Arabic or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Number one, we know they read it in English, but we were willing to translate it if they had wanted it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, here's what I need to explain to everybody. It's like all those guys that got on the flight on 9 11, the 19 hijackers, where they go the night before, they go to the Jesus Christ people easy with the Mangria. They didn't, they didn't go to the mosque. They went to the strip club.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

I, I wait, is that a metaphor?

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is, is no matter who you are, no matter what your religious persuasion, your faith or your heritage is, you're a dude first and you get a boner. That's like the number one. Like all these, all these guys that talk about all these religions and about what women need to do and what women out of this and that, they're still comes first. Like their still comes first. Like ejaculating in what I like to call the jizz pyramid. I don't want to tell you what's on top. No, ejaculation comes first. And then all, pardon the pun, and then all the other is below it. And they always talk about all the other, but the ejaculation is all about the other that comes first. And then all the up rules sort of come from the part where, where you don't want to admit that part comes first. And there are many religions. There's religions that blow things up. There's religions that judge those who blows things up. But either way, ejaculation number one, and

[Allison Rosen]

then it trickles down.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the trickle, it's the spunk. Trickle down theory. Yeah, I think Reagan had that. It was Reagan's thing. Yeah, or Bush, I can't remember. It's trick trickle down chizonomics.

[Allison Rosen]

But I get what you're saying. You're saying so it makes sense that they're into sex. But I'm saying the Shades of Gray series is so shitty. I mean they don't have a lot of perspective.

[Adam Carolla]

Any port in a storm. By the way, when you've been reading Archie's comic books from 1953, this fucking thing looks pretty damn good at this point. You know what I mean? They don't have you porn over there. That would be number one with, with a bullet. So all guys want to do Is because we're all animals, is we want to ejaculate now because we're animals with a frontal lobe that's developed, we have to work ways around trying to figure out how to ejaculate without letting other people know in our society that we'd like to ejaculate. So we invent a lot of weird religions, and some of it comes out fucked up.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you thought you thought about this before?

[Adam Carolla]

Not really, but that's never stopped me from speaking. No, our promise is we're animals, like every other animal understands. They just want to ejaculate too, but at least they are honest about it. They just attempt to do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, my dog will try it with a throat pillow. It doesn't matter. We have masked a lot of things to try to. I mean, you take a look at most religions, it's basically you going, boy, I would like to ejaculate today. And amen to put a finer point on it on someone new. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the old recipient of the ejaculation. I like a new ejaculation drip tray. And then we go, man, I'm uncomfortable with this thought. I feel weird. I don't want other people. I will make some now proclamation or some rule, and then it'll come out weird in some other form later on.

[Brian Bishop]

Yakov, how would this material go over in Branson?

[Adam Carolla]

How would this work in Branson? My ejaculation comment?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You should. You should keep this job. Yes. Yeah, yeah, don't go there.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't go to Branson. All right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, no, but no, what I'm saying

[Adam Carolla]

is Jimmy Osmond comes out, pretends to play the trumpet for like 10 minutes, and then I come out with the ejaculation humor.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That might work.

[Adam Carolla]

That might work.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, that might work.

[Adam Carolla]

Or I do it like the great comedian Gallagher does. I tell everyone to get a rain poncho on in the front, and I have my ejacul mass attic, and it's a giant sledgehammer filled with jizz. I mean, it's not actually jizz, you know, but bam. And it just sprays all over the front row. That'd be awesome, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hollow out a cassava melon, fill it with ranch dressing. Boom. You know what I mean? That's good stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

Why are there blue flecks in this jizz?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You say you're only doing six shows, right? So that leaves the day, right? Sunday, you're doing a not. Are you dark on Sunday? Monday, you're dark on Monday. Not anymore. Yeah, you're gonna be white on Monday.

[Ian Ziering]

Now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm coming over there with my Jackie Matic. You guys get on the bus, see me in Branson. It's gonna be awesome. Tell Jimmy I'm coming.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No pun intended.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right.

[Brian Bishop]

I was gonna say you thought you hated doing two shows a night now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. When the Jackie Matic comes out.

[Brian Bishop]

Third show boy. Good news, ace.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it would reinvigorate him. See? So I'm thinking, is the problem that human beings have so much shame, or is the problem that animals have no shame? Because I feel like there's plenty. Like, I saw two wasps fucking today.

[Anthony Ferrante]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a large bee.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, oh, no, that's a white Anglo Saxon Protestant.

[Allison Rosen]

You never see that. Yeah, no, and I, I thought, I don't, I don't want to see this bee porn. I wish they sought shade.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I. Animals do a lot of things we wish we could do, but we stop ourselves.

[Allison Rosen]

Like have sex while flying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And with strangers. And again, with or without their consent. That's, that doesn't factor in of the equation, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, that's something we want to do?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's what I'm saying. You just. We have created laws to govern ourselves, to try to stop our impulse and control ourselves. If you remove those laws, you would see a lot more things going on that you frowned upon. Yes, I do believe that. And look, it's evolution, it's fine. But I do think a lot of these religions were put in place to keep people from doing the things they wanted to do by saying, hey, there's an invisible guy in the sky. He's watching you. Knock it off. He sees you. He will judge you. So it suppresses that. But it, it's really hard to make something go away that's built into your loins.

[Allison Rosen]

Impossible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. If it's built into your elbow. You wear a long sleeve shirt, but the loins, hard to cover. Thank you. All right, last story. Let's bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

So Bradley Manning, who's the army private accused of leaking all the stuff to WikiLeaks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Was found. He was acquitted of the most serious charge, which would have been aiding the enemy. So they said. He was found acquitted of aiding the enemy, but he was convicted of six espionage counts, five theft charges, a computer fraud charge, and other military infractions. So he faces up to 136 years in prison.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like the part where you face more than you could possibly live.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's kind of like we know how to do math. Or to mock us.

[Adam Carolla]

If you give a guy 136 years or nine consecutive life sentences, which I don't like either, because once you die, you're pretty much paroled. You know what I mean, right? I'd say it's the ultimate parole and you guys are felons out there. When you die, you're on ultimate parole and you don't have to check in. No urine, no probation officer, no ankle bracelet. Unless one of your living relatives is exceptionally cruel or has a wildly great sense of humor. I would love to bury someone with an ankle bracelet. That'd be the greatest fucking fuck you homage to that dad who molested you, wouldn't it be? Yeah, I want to talk to dad. While the coffin's open, you just slap the ankle bracelet. Super confusing to his PO to want to know where this was coming from. But right when I'm in charge, if you get 136 years, you will spend 136 years in prison, even if you're dead. If you die in 41 years, well, you'll just spend an extra, you know, 90 something years in there. I don't know, Rats eating your corpse, whatever. I don't care if there's prison overcrowding. You're doing 131 years. We'll remove you. Your young children, when they're in their 50s, can come claim your body. That's what we're going to do when I'm in charge. That's right. I will send a message.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Thank you. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

The crowd is drunk and I'm growing weary so let's bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Sip it, Kunst.

[Ian Ziering]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, I should tell everyone. Irvine Improv next Thursday. And the Amazing Jonathan up on stage. I gotta say this, I have no quarrel with the Amazing Jonathan.

[Brian Bishop]

I quite like the Amazing Jonathan, actually. I'm very excited about this. I like.

[Adam Carolla]

I used to like the Amazing Job Jonathan, but I was driving in a car in Las Vegas with Charles.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, I was in that car.

[Adam Carolla]

It was back there and drunk somewhere. And the Amazing Jonathan's name came up and he went, that guy. And I was like, what? Why? Why him? He's horrible. And I was like, how can you have such strong feelings about. His name is Amazing.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So how bad can he be? And then secondly, how can you have such strong feelings about the Amazing Jonathan? Well, Charles had exceptionally strong feelings about the Amazing now, he's been drinking man gray all night. So I. You're gonna say something. You, you, you. We've all said things about the Amazing Jonathan that we wish we could take back the following day. Okay. Almost violent in his reaction to the Amazing Jonathan of it.

[Ian Ziering]

Yeah.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

He's like.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a guy with the headband that does the crazy magic.

[Allison Rosen]

Jonathan killed his family.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the Amazing Jonathan, for those of you who are still fans, and not you, Charles, of the Amazing Jonathan, you can see him with us and Irvine and again will turn this Saturday. Me, Jay Moore, Bill Simmons as well. Yes, Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Before we go, I can't let this night go without getting at least one what a country from Yakov.

[Allison Rosen]

You bet.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You bet. What a country.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Happily Ever Laughter Tour. It's at the Acme Theater. It's August 3rd through the 23rd, 24th, 28th and 31st. And you can go online. You can go to his website. You go to yakov.com and find out all the information you need to know.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yakov.

[Adam Carolla]

My pleasure, my friend. Thank you very much. Until next time, Adam Kler for Allison Rosen, Yakov Smirnoff and B. Brian saying mahalo. All right, that's Adam.

[Brian Bishop]

Cool show.

[Adam Carolla]

11:33, that does weekends scroll classics.

[Brian Bishop]

Make sure tune next weekend for three.

[Adam Carolla]

All new installments.

[Brian Bishop]

Until then, Muller and get it on.

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The moment a body is found, the clock starts ticking. 48 hours before the trail goes cold. From A E and Crime House. This is the official podcast from the famous true crime series the first 48. I'm Carter Roy. Every Thursday I revisit a landmark haunted homicide investigation in depth with long form storytelling built for your ears. Listen to and follow the First 48 on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

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Fantastic.

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[Adam Carolla]

Mom, can you tell me a story?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

Sure. Once upon a time, a mom needed a new car.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she brave?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

She was tired, mostly. But she went to Carvana.com and found a great car at a great price. No secret treasure map, Requ?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have to fight a dragon?

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Nope. She bought it 100% online. From her bed, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it scary?

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Honey, it was as unscary as car buying could be.

[Allison Rosen]

Did the car have a sunroof?

[Carvana Ad Voice]

It did, actually. Okay, good story. Car buying you'll want to tell stories about. Buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply.

[Adam Carolla]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every.

[Carvana Ad Voice]

My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. Twas a lovely suv. An inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.