Jo Koy + Greg Fitzsimmons (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – "Jo Koy + Greg Fitzsimmons (Carolla Classics)"

Date: August 7, 2026
Episode Context: Featuring classic moments from the Adam Carolla Show archives, including a fan-favorite 2013 live episode with comedian Jo Koy and another segment with Greg Fitzsimmons. The discussion covers a wide array of candid and hilarious topics, from bathroom etiquette to family backgrounds, meter maids as ninjas, odd jobs, standup comedy, and unpredictable rants on modern society.

---

Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode spotlights highly requested and memorable bits from past shows, focusing first on a hysterical appearance by Jo Koy live from Amalfi (2013), and then a sharp, laugh-filled segment with Greg Fitzsimmons. Adam, true to form, steers the conversation with his signature blend of wit, rumination, and unfiltered commentary, while the guests and regulars (Allison Rosen, Bald Brian) riff along, delivering both laugh-out-loud moments and food for thought.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Bathroom Behavior and ‘Ass Gaskets’ (01:30–06:23)

• Adam launches with a rant about discovering an elaborate DIY toilet seat cover ("ass gasket") made from toilet paper despite the presence of actual gaskets, pondering the psyche behind such behaviors.
• Jo Koy riffs on alternative logic, suggesting maybe the user wipes with the real ass gaskets and sits on the handmade one.
• Memorable Moment:

  "I want to know who this international man of mystery is... Who wants to make a bed for their asshole before, like, you're tucking your ass in for the night?" — Adam (03:07)

2. Jo Koy's Heritage and Filipino Nurses (06:23–09:40)

• Jo Koy describes his mixed background, joking his dad was in the war and his mom is Filipino.
• Adam and the gang riff on the prevalence of Filipino nurses and family expectations in Asian households.
• Notable Quote:

  "I want to clean out every junior college in Southern California, where unless you’re a Filipino nursing student, you’re out." — Adam (07:47)

3. Career Choices: Nursing vs. Meter Maids (09:40–15:08)

• Adam muses on jobs where you only see people on bad days (e.g., nursing, dentist, DMV, parking enforcement), highlighting the misery associated with these roles.
• Jo Koy jokes about meter maids as "real-life ninjas," launching the infamous "Meter Maid Ninja" bit.
• Memorable Segment:

  "Meter maids are the closest things to real life Ninjas... They just fucking appear the minute you park." — Jo Koy (13:42)

4. "Meter Maid Ninja": Running Gag (13:42–23:15)

• The Meter Maid Ninja character is developed through live improvisation, accents, and escalating jokes about meter maids' stealth and punitive nature.
• Extended impressions feature ninja voices, ticket-throwing stars, and comedic exchanges ("Here you go, your ticket. Enjoy!").
• Highlight:

  "Let me hear a little ninja... 'Oh, you asshole, let's prepare to die.'" — Adam & Jo Koy (14:22)

5. Stand-Up Bits and Cultural Observations (23:15–39:37)

• The hosts and guests riff on archaic job tools (chalk extenders, road flares) and the weird redundancy of some city practices.
• Jokes about how items like chalk ("Chalky carry") or road flares are relics that belong in the past.
• Notable Bit:

  "If your job involves chalk and you're not a Division 1 football coach, you should kill yourself immediately." — Adam (22:42)

6. Encounters with Insects and Irrational Fears (31:22–44:46)

• Adam discusses his hatred of "crane flies" and the family chaos they cause at night.
• The group examines the ridiculousness of animal/human nocturnal habits, anthropomorphizing insects, and their frustrating unpredictability.

7. Parenting, Kids, and Modern Entitlement (44:46–54:26; 103:41–116:46)

• Jokes about parenting standards today, inefficiencies in routine tasks (kids' haircuts, treating dogs), and the rise of parental laziness.
• Adam delivers a classic rant on school breakfast programs, arguing parents should feed their own kids and criticizing public policy focused on "providing instead of empowering."
• Sharp Quote:

  "In the past, if you can't feed your kids, your kids were taken away from you. That's the way it's supposed to work..." — Adam (104:33)

8. Race, Stereotypes, and Biting Social Commentary (66:04–71:46; 132:13–151:06)

• Adam and crew riff on the history and taboo of tattoos, particularly their prevalence among different races and the odd logic of "invisible" tattoos.
• Candid (and controversial) takes on physical punishment across racial communities, societal cycles of violence, and America's lost sense of family accountability.
• Greg Fitzsimmons contributes personal anecdotes comparing family discipline styles (head slaps) and discusses generational differences.

9. Absurd Observations and "Missed Sneeze Theory" (144:13–152:54)

• Adam riffs on his unscientific observation that he rarely sees black people sneeze and transitions to comparing squirrels (never seen one shit) with bunnies (always seen shitting).

10. Blah Blah Blah Game (153:21–165:57)

• A recurring Adam Carolla Show segment where panelists guess which celebrity wrote a given blog or rant.
• The panel’s banter is sharp, competitive, and sprinkled with classic Carolla skepticism toward celebrity moralizing.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• Ass Gasket Rant:
  “Who wants to make a bed for their asshole...?” — Adam (03:07)
• On Filipino Nurses:
  “I want to clean out every junior college... unless you’re a Filipino nursing student...” — Adam (07:47)
• Meter Maid Ninja:
  “They just fucking appear the minute you park...” — Jo Koy (13:42)
• Meter Maid Ninja voice:
  “‘Oh, you asshole, let’s prepare to die.’” — Jo Koy (14:22)
• On job-related tools:
  “If your job involves chalk and you’re not a Division 1 football coach…” — Adam (22:42)
• Parental responsibility rant:
  “In the past, if you can’t feed your kids, your kids were taken away from you...” — Adam (104:33)
• On tattoos:
  "When a dude gets a tattoo... Chicks get a tattoo that nobody can see..." — Adam (70:47)
• Dog food struggle:
  “If she doesn’t eat kibble, I’m stepping over her bones in three weeks...” — Adam (102:46)
• Blah Blah Blah competitive trash talk:
  “Look at me, champion of blah blah blah, because you can't teach common sense and instincts.” — Adam (165:40)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Ass Gasket & Bathroom Rant: 01:30–06:23
• Jo Koy’s Heritage & Cultural Jokes: 06:23–09:40
• Jobs Where You See People on Bad Days: 09:40–13:07
• Meter Maid Ninja Bit: 13:42–23:15
• Stand-up Riffs on Archaic Job Tools: 23:15–39:37
• Insect Fears / Nocturnal Animals: 31:22–44:46
• Parenting & Entitlement / School Breakfasts: 44:46–54:26 & 103:41–116:46
• Tattoos & Cultural Observations: 66:04–71:46
• Race, Violence, and Parenting Styles: 132:13–151:06
• Blah Blah Blah Game: 153:21–165:57

---

Tone and Style

The tone is classic Adam Carolla: irreverent, observational, sometimes abrasive, but always quick. The banter is rapid and playful, but periodically pivots to social commentary delivered with a heavy dose of "tough-love" logic. Jo Koy’s improv energy is matched by Adam’s relentless wit, and Greg Fitzsimmons’ candidness adds another layer of self-aware humor.

---

Final Thoughts

This "Carolla Classics" episode is a highlight reel of the Adam Carolla Show’s enduring style—equal parts over-the-top comedy, sharp societal critique, and group therapy for everyday grievances. From bathroom weirdos to meter maid ninjas, anti-hero nurses to the existential tragedy of cold butter, nothing escapes scrutiny or satire. It's a must-listen for both devoted fans and those curious about the show’s unique comedic approach to life’s mundane and maddening challenges.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play with best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla show. If you'd like to gain access to the ad free archives of the Adam Corolla show, the Adam and Dr. Dr. Drew show, and the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip for us to play here on Corolla Classics, make sure to email us classicsamcarolla.com now on to the clips. Coming up first day, we have Adam Corolla show 1064. From way back in 2013, this is a famous live show where Joe Coy joined him on stage with Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop live from Amalfi the restaurant. This episode spawned a famous bit that made its way all the way to the ACE Awards. I hope you guys enjoy.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to plutofo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean girls.

[Bald Brian]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so fast on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Adam Corolla. That's Joe Coy. Good to see you, Joe. Allison Rosen, over here. Bald Brian, Do you have the drop of the day? Boom.

[Bald Brian]

Multiple, multiple requests for today's top drop. Hashtag, top drop for boom Boom.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the porcelain punisher. Mad Fondelier. Speaking of punishing the porcelain, I just walked out of the bathroom. I went into the stall because the urinal was being occupied, and I saw the makeshift collage ass gasket that was crafted from multiple pieces of toilet paper. I want to know who this international man of mystery is. I know he's here. So I thought, well, that's peculiar. But I guess, you know, any ass port in a storm, they must have been out of ass gaskets. But sure enough, the ass gasket dispenser was brimming with fresh ass gaskets. So what kind of monster? Monster or futuristic time traveler? I mean.

[Joe Coy]

Well, here I am. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe, that was not you I saw. The guy walked out. He was a skinny man of non color.

[Allison Rosen]

Does he look like someone who likes to spend 15 minutes making a little collage before he takes a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Who wants to make a bed for their asshole before, like you're tucking your

[Allison Rosen]

ass in for the paper ring thing.

[Joe Coy]

Especially when it's the little squares, because then it's like a puzzle and you have to put it along.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he did it. He did it in like 15 inch strips, but he dangles over. Like he doubled down. He doubled him up, by the way, it's already 2 ply already. Literally. Do you need it to be 4 ply now?

[Allison Rosen]

The problem with that though is if you work too fast, you're going to ruin what you've already put down. It's going to blow up.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I would argue that it's diminishing returns. Like, Once you spent 45 minutes crafting your pinata, your ass, yada, how much contact and time do you want with the seat? Like, how much seat time do you physically want? You know what I mean? Like, this guy was very carefully crafting this and plotting this, which is basically you're ruining your own point, which is I want the least amount of contact with this surface as possible.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not like he's wearing OSHA approved face mask and bodysuit and stuff. He's really bonding with the toilet at the moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Is the skinny white guy who's responsible for this holocaust of a toilet seat? No. Let's see. I could, I could pick him out of some sort of toilet lineup. You know what? I don't think he's in my crowd. I think this is a guy who came in off the street to drop, drop a load.

[Bald Brian]

This is confusing for you, but gratifying for me because I was in the bathroom five minutes before you and I heard this going on. I was at the, you know, the urinal, heard it going on. I'm like, there's a lot of tearing of paper going on, but not a lot of action. So I'm like, what is happening in there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What is with all the paper being.

[Joe Coy]

What's so special about his ass?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Joe Coy]

It deserves that much toilet paper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like it when. Golden ass. Yeah, like, what's going on?

[Joe Coy]

I like when they lay that much toilet paper and then the electronic sensor goes off and just grabs it and

[Adam Carolla]

takes it to the toilet and then

[Joe Coy]

you just sit on it bare.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyways, so there is a ass gasket dispenser filled with a motherload of ass gaskets. And yet he takes the time to craft his own out of toilet.

[Joe Coy]

The only. Adam, can I just interrupt real quick? Maybe he lays that down with regular toilet paper and wipes his ass with the ass gaskets.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Joe Coy]

Maybe he's that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

He could be ass backwards. Yes, yes.

[Joe Coy]

It's a different kind of ply that he likes.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Joe Coy]

He has sharp painful pieces.

[Adam Carolla]

He has like or something where he twists everything around. All I know is if I worked for Charmin and I walked in there and I saw that he skipped right past the ass gaskets and went for our 2 ply times 2 times 4 corners. I'd be fucking elated. The same way I'd feel if when I went back by the dean's house and it was toilet paper. Like, I love the fact that you're taking our product and just throwing it on trees now. So, Joe, that's a nice thing. What is your nationality? Where are your parents from? Where's one of your parents from? Where's your dad from?

[Joe Coy]

I'm half Asian, half white, which means my dad was in the war.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. We don't know what side he is.

[Joe Coy]

People are laughing because they know that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

My dad was dating instead of fighting for this country.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'd be doing.

[Joe Coy]

I'm his Purple Heart.

[Adam Carolla]

Coy is what?

[Joe Coy]

What kind of Coy is actually my nickname.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Joe Coy.

[Joe Coy]

But my dad's real name is Herbert. But tried doing stand up 20 years ago with the name Joe Herbert.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

No, you're not gonna get any jokes out.

[Adam Carolla]

So Mama has the Asian blood.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. Mom's the Asian.

[Adam Carolla]

What. What kind?

[Joe Coy]

She's Filipino.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

They're fights like this. They always talk with a miserable look on their face.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, unless.

[Joe Coy]

Happy birthday, Joseph.

[Adam Carolla]

Unless Pacquiao wins. I made the mistake of making fun of Manny Pacquiao and the entire island was up in arms.

[Joe Coy]

I laughed.

[Adam Carolla]

Jon Stewart told me, you don't make fun of anything Filipino because they evidently don't have a lot to do during the day and they will fucking come after you. You want to make fun of a country that has a pretty busy dance car.

[Joe Coy]

You don't want to mess with the nursing community at a hospital. Yeah, you piss a nurse off and then your stay at a hospital is screwed. I do feel like Filipinos are nurses.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but it's into the high 80s. I mean, I don't want to. No, I don't want to stereotype. But I've always said I do. I wanted to. I want to clean out every junior College in Southern California, where unless you're a Filipino nursing student, you're out. Like, I'm done. Hey, Coley, get in a van and go get a job. Like, I'm all right with the nationalities rolling around and getting that. Getting, you know, recertified or something on my dime. I'm not all right with the white kids just smoking reefer and killing time.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Living at home. Yeah.

Yeah.

So now, your mom, was she a nurse?

[Joe Coy]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. What was she?

[Joe Coy]

I don't know. She just worked. She worked. She wanted me to be the nurse because all of, like, her. Her sisters, all her kids were nurses. So then she's like, joseph, you should be a nurse. And I'm like, mom, I want to be a comedian. She's like, comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedian.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, comedian. I was like, well, we can't even say comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the attraction? First off, I know nursing pays well, but it does involve seeing a lot of people at their worst. Seeing. It's a lot of, like, you know, listen, the human form can be beautiful, and it can be a disaster. You know what I mean? Like, I'd go visit my dad in the hospital, and I would just joke that I was visiting his scrotum sack, because that's all I would see. A lot of, like.

[Allison Rosen]

And there was a feast for the senses.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And there was a lot of coming in the room, and he just shit up the room, you know, and they're pulling the thing out from under. There's a lot of. Like, any time you have to move someone around and you're not fudgeing them, that's not a good day. You know what I mean? It's one thing if, you know, they've had a couple and you're trying to get it on, and you. I have to help him move around a little bit. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Not date. Right. But, you know, I have trouble.

[Joe Coy]

I have trouble wiping my own ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Now I got to wipe your ass.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Because you're in the bed and you can't move.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. It's a lot of moving and then a lot of talking really loud and deliberately. Mr. Corolla, it's Diane. Don't be alarmed. You know, a lot of.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's also never just moving a person. It's like the equivalent of moving a TV and a cable box because they're

[Adam Carolla]

connected to so many things. Moving the cable and the TV with the coax, dragging out the ass.

[Bald Brian]

What if you're moving someone around? You're about to them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bald Brian]

Implications.

[Joe Coy]

God, you're smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's so smart, that guy with the computer. Never. It never stops. Never stop. So the nursing thing just seems like first off, you work in a hospital.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you want to work at Disneyland, you know, you don't want to work at a dentist office.

[Joe Coy]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I've said this all the time. Like, here's the deal. We all have good days and bad days and happy times and sad times. And like when I used to teach traffic school, it was everyone's worst day. I started. It started to dawn on me that we were at the Conejo Holiday Inn in a conference room on a Sunday morning at 8:45. And everyone in that place was pissed. Yeah, rip shit pissed. Because it was like playoffs were going on in football and they were sitting there on a Sunday burning eight hours with me and fucking pissed. And they were pissed at me. Now it didn't matter how evolved they are, how great they are as human beings, they're still not in a good mood. And whether they blame it on me 100% or just 25%, I'm still getting some of the ire from the ticket they got, which was a bullshit chicken two months ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Ever, only 25%.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the lowest grade. And then it would go up to if you weren't born, I wouldn't be here right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Which was always like, you got a ticket and I'm helping you scrub it off. And by the way, we're going to take a three hour lunch at some point. Like, do not worry, you've not met. You've not met anyone who's a stickler for rules here by any stretch of the magic.

[Joe Coy]

Get to know me before you hate me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

Reward you with a three hour lunch.

[Adam Carolla]

But it struck me that if have a gig where you work as at a dentist office, you're going to see people that are in a bad way having a bad day. You know, whatever, dmv, whatever it is, Parking enforcement, tow truck driver, irs. Yeah, you're never going to meet a guy who goes, oh, thank God the truck is here. Please take my car to the impound lot. And by the way, I can't get that Denver boot on that front wheel fast enough. No, you're gonna. All you're gonna do is. Come on. Dude, what you take your pills for? You're me. Completely, man. Jesus Christ. My old lady just miscarried. Now I gotta go down there and pay 182 bucks. Oh, you're me over so royally. Oh, there, she miscarried again. You see, I heard it.

[Joe Coy]

That's twice.

[Adam Carolla]

Twice.

[Joe Coy]

Twice.

[Adam Carolla]

Less than three minutes you've towed it. Oh, you want a third? Are we gonna keep like that's what you get. That's why I don't understand meter maids. And that's why they all deserve our as much punishment, as much shit as we can serve up to them, which is they have decided to choose a life where they make people miserable for a living.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, they get off.

[Adam Carolla]

They are the opposite of Patch Adams. Yeah, right. If I would like to find Patch Adams timely. Timely. Robin Williams played patch apps. He was a happy go lucky doctor, Wore clown shoes and a big nose and was funny to his patients. But not moviegoers, evidently. Some sort of inside joke. But I would like them to meet their antithesis, their nemesis, Meter maids. They ruin people's days and weekends. That's what they do for a living.

[Joe Coy]

Meter maids. Meter maids are the closest things to real life Ninjas. Like, they just fucking appear the minute you park. You're like, I think I can get away with this. And then bam. Fucking ticket. Where the fuck I am. Meet a mate ninja.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

And they just go back up into the fucking telephone pole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they had a grappling hook.

[Joe Coy]

I see you, asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

They rappel down. They put the thing on there. Yeah. Like Tom Cruise getting into a federal building.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, I see you, asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Joe Coy]

Here you go, your ticket. Enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're right back up. Is that your ninja accent?

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, that's my. Yeah, yeah. I give them a very thick accent.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me hear a little ninja. Let me.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, you asshole. Let's prepare to die.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I could imagine them fashioning a throwing ticket.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. Oh, excuse me, sir, before you go inside. Your ticket. Enjoy your dinner, asshole. And then up in a fucking pole right up, meet up a ninja. That should be a cartoon. Well, it is the.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. As I've said, it's the only thing in the city that actually moves.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, my bad. You were going in to get change. I already made ticket for you. Yeah. You have a bad day? Yeah, you meter maid.

[Adam Carolla]

I did a man show bit once where I went down to Melrose and. And a chick parked her car on Melrose and she walked around to the meter getting ready to feed it, and I stepped in front with my microphone doing my man on the street thing and, like, asked her what was in her purse or whatever it is. She got a ticket while she was talking to me because I. She got out of her car, she walked around the front of the car. She had change in her hand, she was heading toward the meter. And I cut her off and put a mic in her face and went like, where are you from? And she got a ticket during that interlude. They are stealthy, super stealth.

[Joe Coy]

Where are you from?

[Adam Carolla]

She may have answered the Bay area, but either way, boom. Ticket. And I like the throwing star.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the nunchucks. Or nunchucks, depending on how it's pronounced. Made of like the Denver boot. Yeah, I like that idea. What would that sound like, Joe?

[Joe Coy]

Your wheels are locked, asshole. I. I didn't know I had these sound effects.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know.

[Joe Coy]

Until I did this show.

[Adam Carolla]

It's awesome. Pan flute starts playing yeah, let's hear that,

[Joe Coy]

right? You just see it and then. And then like a little sandstorm. There it is right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there it is, right?

[Joe Coy]

Asshole. You know you're not supposed to park after 2 o' clock in the afternoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just.

[Joe Coy]

You must have.

[Adam Carolla]

Now my son's just running into.

[Joe Coy]

Sorry. Your son is not an excuse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't use it.

[Joe Coy]

Next time read the sign.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I saw.

[Joe Coy]

Do you speak English? I think. Just answer question. Do you speak English? Then read the sign. Okay, this is no talking after three.

[Adam Carolla]

This is.

[Joe Coy]

Enjoy your ticket.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Where'd he go?

[Joe Coy]

I'm back. You got another ticket? Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's this?

[Joe Coy]

You should have paid the last ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

What is this? Pink star ticket.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Ow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God. He's throwing sharp ninja throwing star tick. Ah.

[Joe Coy]

Oh. Oh. You're better off sticking your dick in the door, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, this is.

[Joe Coy]

Have a bad day, Mr. Carora.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he knows me.

[Joe Coy]

Next time don't have any next time don't have so many L's in your name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm sorry, that's Carora. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

I hate people with Ls in their name. I'm sorry because I cannot pronounce them.

[Adam Carolla]

I need your supervisor.

[Joe Coy]

You Carora.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. He just. He just repelled up to the top. He went up to the mansard on that roof. I haven't seen him again. Crazy.

[Joe Coy]

I'm back.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's back. I just blinked and he's back again.

[Joe Coy]

I'm back because you're driving a Toyota Carrera. What an you are.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Corolla.

[Joe Coy]

It's Cora. Say it slow so I canunciate. Corolla car. Got it. Two L's.

[Adam Carolla]

Toyota.

[Joe Coy]

Toyota Corolla. Cora.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That is a group of stars that lay outside The Milky Way. Well, I like. This would be a good Saturday morning cartoon.

[Joe Coy]

I swear. This would be good for the kids. Where does it pay your ticket? It's a PSA for kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Where does a meter made ninja sleep? Like, does this person have a private life?

[Joe Coy]

In your car upside down.

[Adam Carolla]

He hangs from your dome light upside down.

[Joe Coy]

Why would you park illegally? They pop out of the glove compartment. Got you, asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, I knew you were gonna fuck up again.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, listen, I'm just walking to the meter.

[Joe Coy]

Sure you are.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna feed the meter.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

So you were walking away, asshole, from your responsibility.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's not a responsibility. It was a meter.

[Joe Coy]

Are you mocking me, asshole? No, I said responsibiri.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I understand, and I do everything responsibly and I'm gonna feed the meter right now. But jumped out of the glove box and went out of the window.

[Joe Coy]

Because every time you park on Rebella La Brea, there's too many odds in this. There's too many Ls in this conversation

[Adam Carolla]

as, wow, park, meter made ninja. I just. I. I don't know if I like this vibe I used to enjoy. Oh, where'd he go? Wow.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's heavy, man.

[Joe Coy]

I just throw quarters at you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

That's what I do. Next time use these.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

And there's fucking quarters that hit you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And. Yeah. And then.

[Joe Coy]

Can I use them now, too? Rate.

[Adam Carolla]

The nunchucks are a roll of nickels.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Connected by chain. Yeah. As you whip it over your head.

[Joe Coy]

Why are you getting. Why are you getting quarters when you can use your credit card, asshole?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I'm old school. I got changed. I'm sorry. They're in that. They're in the ashtray. You're not you.

[Allison Rosen]

And then also I'm wondering, what is the relationship between the meter made ninja and just regular parking enforcement?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, that's regular parking enforcement. Meter main ninja. I gotta believe that meter made ninja looks down.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

On regular parking. And for. Yeah, because regular. Like when they're in the locker room.

[Joe Coy]

Regular. Regular parking enforcement. You can see them at the pretty assholes that drive up in the hybrid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

And every.

[Adam Carolla]

Every once in a while, you see the guy parked off on the side road napping.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy's got that guy's got the. I've got 40 years in. I'm gonna retire with full benefits in nine months. I got fucking. I got nothing to prove.

[Joe Coy]

I retire, I get this car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Joe Coy]

I get the Prius.

[Adam Carolla]

I Get the Prius, I get the Right Hand drive Prius and I get my lucky chalk stick. By the way, is there anything more archaic than the long stick with a piece of chalk? It's really. It's like one of those. It's like one of Those Great Gatsby 1920s extenders for a cigarette, except where you have chalk on the end of it.

[Joe Coy]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, here's what I'm gonna. I also, like, once in a while, you see that car that's parked? It has two flat tires. There's raccoons living in it. It has 128 tickets on the windshield. And it has 5,000 chalk marks. Like, at what point when you're coming around do you go, you know what? I'm going to make it an even 5,500 chalk marks on there. Like, are you counting the days that you've been in prison? Whoever owns this car no longer roams this earth. Like, please fucking tow it.

[Joe Coy]

The chalk is to remind him, did I chalk that car? So 5,500 times. Obviously you chalked that fucking car.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, here's the thing about the chalk. Once you get to the fifth one, draw the X through it so we can tabulate it correctly. Don't just keep striping the fucking thing. Not a sea snake.

[Allison Rosen]

Take half the day to just count it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's just like, we have to take the tire off because there's a flat spot where it's been chalked at the bottom. It's just chalk, chalk, chalk. Hey, that's taxpayer chalk. That's paying for that chalk.

[Allison Rosen]

That's our chalk.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why the city's bankrupting. We're lousy with chalk. We're being gouged with that chalk. If you have a job, if you

[Joe Coy]

have a job that you leave the house and go, fuck, I forgot my chalk extender.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, where's my extension? Yes, I agree.

[Joe Coy]

And then you pat your chest like you're checking your pockets for it. Where the fuck is my chalk extender?

[Adam Carolla]

If your job involves chalk and you're not a Division 1 football coach, you should kill yourself immediately. Should sharpen your chalk and fall on it. Sharpen the. That's what the Asians would do, right? Yes. Bring much. How much shame would it bring to your mom if you.

[Joe Coy]

You would have to sacrifice yourself with

[Adam Carolla]

that chalk Chalky carry.

[Joe Coy]

You just cut your stomach completely open with the truck. Sorry. For offending the family. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

And then you make your own chalk outline.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Joe Coy]

You lay in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you use it to actually chalk yourself.

[Joe Coy]

That's the genius.

[Adam Carolla]

You chalk your.

[Joe Coy]

I'm going to die.

[Adam Carolla]

Chalk your outline. I wonder how many guys chalk that thing. Because it's always like streets in New York City kind of things. Mean streets of Chicago. I wonder how many chalk guys have done it. And then it started raining before they got back to the car, and they went, oh, man. God damn.

[Joe Coy]

Where was the murder weapon again?

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't. We draw. We shouldn't use something that would just float away the second it rains, you

[Joe Coy]

know, we should have took a picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone should have snapped a shot.

[Joe Coy]

Let the record show.

[Bald Brian]

I wanted to use tape. I wanted to use tape.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, no, that was me. I said, use the 3M. You said, get the chalk out. Yeah. All right. There's two things. I've always said this about the. The chalk. I think. I feel like we've gotten rid of the chalk. Are we still outlining bodies with chalk? Is anyone. No. Okay, but I still. Yes or no? Oh, it's digital. We're taking digital pictures. Okay, but wait, are you guys basing

[Allison Rosen]

this on tv, or do you actually work with dead bodies?

[Adam Carolla]

You just say bodies. Oh, really? Oh, now what?

[Joe Coy]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm intrigued. Now I'm intrigued. Morgue. Visual effects. Okay, Visual effects. So. They'll take all the pictures and they'll do all that?

[Joe Coy]

Basically what they do is they take a picture, put it in the computer, and then Photoshop chalk around the fucking body. That's what they do. They're geniuses. Now, why get on our knees and draw it when we could do Photoshop it in. Yeah, I have a chalk tool. Just go to my utility. I'll grab chalk. It looks just like chalk. It's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if there's ever been a situation where I shocked the body with

[Joe Coy]

my mouse and then I just moused it in.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if there was ever a situation like back in the 50s where they were doing the chalk and as the meter maid pulled up and saw the detective, like, down on his knees dirty, getting his dungarees all filthy on the sidewalk, just walked up with his extender and just went, sucker. Yeah, sucker. Boy, I wish.

[Joe Coy]

You probably wanted one of these, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, boy, I bet you could use one of these. How's your lower back feeling, chalk boy? You want to got your knee pads. And while they're out, by the way, how about a little something something for the man with the real extender here? Yeah, you know. You know, I like to hang out with on the weekends. The guy who has the stick with the wheel on it that measures distance? Me and him.

[Joe Coy]

That asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we'll stick. Yeah. Wheel, stick guy. Me and him like to chill. Talking about extensions.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You want to get down on your knees with the tape measure guy too, or you just cool with the chalk outline? Yeah. The one thing that still exists that I cannot figure out for the life of me in a life of like, everything's like LED and you know, miniature battery that fits in your wristwatch and stuff. The flare. The fact that the flare is still going strong in 2013.

[Joe Coy]

The road. So true.

[Adam Carolla]

The road flare. Like, first off, I've seen enough movies to know that nothing good has ever come from a flare. The last guy duct taped the flare to the gas canister and throw it out the window. I've never seen a flare used as a flare should be used.

[Joe Coy]

I've only seen the flare used for good one time when Bruce Willis lit up an airport for the Runway so that the planes can land.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only recorded step here.

[Joe Coy]

And. And he saved thousands of.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the only recorded. That's positive use of.

[Joe Coy]

Positive use of the airfare.

[Adam Carolla]

We were driving home from Irvine like three weeks ago, and there was just a flare in the middle of the road. There was no accident or anything because what happens is the flares are round.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is not a great plan.

[Joe Coy]

No. And can I interrupt? It looks like a stick of dynamite.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's not good either. No. You could. You could hold off the CHP pee with a couple flares duct taped together.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. Duct tape. Chest.

[Adam Carolla]

Your chest. That's it. And. But so they're hit by traffic and then they just roll out into lanes and then a semi blows by. Next thing you know, this stick that shoots fire is a quarter mile down the freeway. By the way, you pass a sign with Smokey the Bear on it saying that we have a high alert and a fire. Forest fire, no smoking cigarettes. But the stick that shoots fire, that's fine. And by the way, the stick that shoots fire is put around the diesel truck that is over leaking fuel.

[Joe Coy]

Like, there's a thin line of diesel fuel right towards the main tank.

[Adam Carolla]

We have reflectors. Right. I feel like we have like little flashlight.

[Joe Coy]

Just put the flashlight on and lay it on the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Use an iPhone with the flashlight app.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. What is going on? Does any insight to this flare thing?

[Joe Coy]

You know what? On my iPhone, I have a flare.

[Allison Rosen]

That guy just knows dead bodies.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But all I'm saying is if you Walked up to a crash site that had flares around it.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you were smoking. Someone would freak out on you, right? Like, hey, put that shit out. There's flammable fuel. Oh, I don't want to interrupt. These sticks that shoot fire out of them that you've surrounded this crime scene with. Yeah. I wonder.

[Joe Coy]

Should have been. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Flares. Yes.

[Joe Coy]

Flare. Should have went out the same time top hats went out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I agree.

[Joe Coy]

Like, no one wears a fucking top hat anymore.

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

It's heavy.

[Joe Coy]

Unless you're in the way.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? You know what I think ruined top hats? Movies, cars. You can't drive a car with a top hat unless you're a dwarf. You know what I mean?

[Joe Coy]

Like, you can't wear a top hat unless you have a rabbit in the fucking top hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Time.

[Joe Coy]

That's the only reason why they made top.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They come with.

[Joe Coy]

It was like someone had a rabbit. I was like, where the fuck do I put this thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

And they made a special hat for him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

The.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, someone's like, this yarmulke doesn't hold shit, man. I couldn't get a fucking.

[Joe Coy]

Boy. I have a hat for you. Yeah, I have a hat for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that you now?

[Joe Coy]

That's my jewel.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, that's good. That's good.

[Joe Coy]

That goddamn ninja came around again.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't hold a Triscuit in this hat. I need something to hold there. I need something that's got some rodentia capabilities, you know what I mean? Something deep.

[Joe Coy]

It's a cylinder with a brim on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And also want something I can pop out in case they need to do a little something.

[Joe Coy]

I got it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

A top hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Joe Coy]

This one comes with a rabbit.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. I like. I like the idea that they come with a rabbit. And by the way, it's always a white rabbit, never black rabbit. I think that's discrimination. It doesn't contrast well enough with the top hat. Now, speaking of, you would think, use the black rabbit.

[Joe Coy]

It disappears quicker inside the hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

You can't see it. Yeah. Right. They put the fucking white.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Rabbit in there. I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what's going on with the black rabbits. They all incarcerated. Like, where are they? That's not a racial statement. But what I'm saying is I just don't feel like there's enough of them, you know? Plus, it sounds like a vibrator. I got my old lady. The black Rabbit for Valentine's Day. I love it. And I work it with a remote. Fucking awesome. We go out to dinner, she's having an orgasm. It's awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I stuck my black rabbit on her top hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, she's loving it. I got to say this about animals. You know, it's the season we have that one month where the crane flies come out and the crane flies. I'm going to get divorced over these crane flies. They're the super long daddy long leg flying. You know, they look like mosquitoes, but 10 times as big.

[Bald Brian]

I can't wait to see that episode of 3TMZ when they read the divorce papers. How does any divorce because of crane flies?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what, what happens is they don't have an agenda other than to sort of buzz around my porch light, you know, and they just look like giant mosquitoes and they're, they're no particular sort of. They don't have a flying pattern. They just hang out.

[Allison Rosen]

They're like moths.

[Adam Carolla]

But they will happily come into the house and cling to the ceiling or do the most horrifying thing you'll ever see, which is late night, lights off, big screen TV lit up, glass of Mangria in my hand. And all of a sudden this thing goes lumbering by the front of the sports center. And it's like, holy shit, it's in the house. And I have tonight turn the light on, it's nowhere to be found. And then I do that move that you do with all insects and all things that are in your house. It's a weird move, which is I want to find it, but I don't want to find it.

[Joe Coy]

Move.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I'm going to shake the curtain and go, you're not really there. Are you okay?

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Please don't move.

[Allison Rosen]

It's weird if you don't see it for a little while, you're like, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird because you don't have that relationship. Like when you lose your keys, you're like, I need to fucking find these keys. I need to fucking find them now. When there's a child. Yeah. When there's a huge insect in your house, you're like, I'm gonna look for you. But if you don't want to present yourself, that's cool.

[Joe Coy]

Is it?

[Allison Rosen]

Because you tell yourself maybe it left just as mysteriously as it came in.

[Adam Carolla]

I always do that thing where like maybe just buzzed on out of here. But then once you've conducted your half hearted search, you shut the light again, sit back down on the sofa and you'll see it go buzzing past the TV again. So I can't stand these things. And the reason I'm going to get a divorce is I stand in the house and the lights on in the entry hall and the porch lights on, and it's nighttime and they're buzzing around. And my wife is coming home from Trader Joe's, so she flings the door open and she's humping the grocery bags in. And I'm doing that. Shut the door. Shut the door now. Shut the light. Shut the door. Shut the light.

[Joe Coy]

Shut the door.

[Adam Carolla]

You're bringing them in. You can't have the light on. Like, do they like the light?

[Joe Coy]

They just come in, right?

[Adam Carolla]

They'll just come wandering in and they're like a Jehovah's Witness. It's just walking through the neighborhood. Hey, man, have you heard the good news? Like, if you read the Watchtower. So I'm like, shut, shut the door. And the kids are like, shut the door. Shut the door. Some screaming, shut the door. All the time. Because once one gets in, they're all. Then it. It shows you it. And then it, it, it. It. What it does is it goes, here I am. And then it disappears.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you have to fucking walk around looking for this thing. But during the day, when you spot these things, they're like drunken hobo vampires. Like, they're on the ground leaning up against shit, like, going, oh, what happened

[Joe Coy]

Last night I was in front of the TV watching Sports center, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Some dude in his under. I had a dream a guy in his underpants was swinging at me with a slipper was freaking.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, you own. And they. They tempt you into think or they bait you into thinking. It's either dead or almost dead. Get it in a second. And then all of a sudden.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. So they go totally comatose during the daylight hours playing possum. I know. And then at night, they're right back into retard formation around the. Around, around the porch light. And my thing is. Now here's my thing. It's like I should kill them in their sleep. Like what they do to vampires. You don't say you kill a vampire, you give the steak. But they always seem so. Just out of it during the day. Like they're propped up against.

[Allison Rosen]

Feel like it's not fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like he's just like, he's not doing anything. He's probably dead. I don't see his lungs moving or his heart beating or anything. You know, he's not going anywhere that tonight he'll be buzzing around again.

[Joe Coy]

But that's when you want to kill him. Yeah, when he's buzzing around.

[Adam Carolla]

But what I don't get. What's with the nocturnal shit? What's God thinking?

[Joe Coy]

I had no idea they were nocturnal.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they don't. They're not doing much of anything during the course of the day. But why do we need creatures of the night? You know what I'm saying? Like, there's never any spiders on the ceiling of my bedroom at noon.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But at 2am When I'm drunk and I'm getting ready to go to bed and I flip that light on, there's the fucking spider. Middle of the fucking night. What's doing at night? Why not go out and hunt your prey during the day?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's easy to see for one

[Adam Carolla]

more activity and wait for the streetlights to come on to get busy. Mr. Spider. Mrs. Spider.

[Joe Coy]

What? The fog?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's like the coyotes that go nuts at night. Like they're not around during the day. And then every once in a while they're. Then at night they're all like, howling.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever had a hamster as a pet? Disappointing pet to begin with, but especially disappointing when you discover, oh, this motherfucker is just going to sleep all day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And then that cute real thing only in the middle of the night. Who are these things? And why did God set it up that we'd have daytime and nighttime? Can't we just go the the bed

[Allison Rosen]

and if we have to change our schedules, can't they.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. Why can't we all wake up at the same fucking time? Why do they get to wake up and do their shit at night? Right. Just fuck everybody else's. Like, it pisses me off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't like it.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I was thinking about recently?

[Joe Coy]

I'm sorry. I saw a spider building a fucking web in front of my door at like 2 o' clock in the morning.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Why are you knitting now?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, now who the why?

[Joe Coy]

And like, why was that a good time to do it? Oh, now is a good time. And I don't know, shoot some more of this thread out of my asshole.

[Bald Brian]

I.

[Joe Coy]

And then I'll laugh as he walks into it.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had it with spiders, I got to tell you, by the way. Yeah. We call it silk. You know what I mean?

[Joe Coy]

I call it thread.

[Allison Rosen]

I call it spider jizz.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, that's what it is.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be like if I called my jizz insure. You know what I mean, come on, baby. It's packed with protein. Like, let's call it what it is. It's as jizz from an insect and it's now in your eyebrows, your mouth. You know what I mean?

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, I got a Versace shirt in my eye, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they call it silk and. But the thing with spiders, like, everyone always, whenever I start talking shit about spiders, everyone explains to me how we need them. How about this experiment? Let's take a year off of spiders and see if we need them, you know what I mean? I'll give the spiders a year off. Let's see if anyone misses.

[Joe Coy]

That's how you read them for though.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're one of the good insects.

[Joe Coy]

But what do they do? Because every time I look at the bad insects, but every time I look at a spider's web, it's always, it always catches like useless. There's a feather, a feather that flew

[Adam Carolla]

from my maxi pad and leaves. Yeah, yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Like what are you doing? A Hershey's. You know the tag that hangs out of a Hershey's Kiss that's in the fucking web? That's what I got a Dustbuster for. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not doing anything but collection garbage, right? And then every once in a while there's that thing where you're momentarily impressed because you see the spider web that goes from the tree, you know, 80ft to the top of the fence.

[Allison Rosen]

We had one of those and we spent so long trying to figure out how does it, how, where's the way station that we can't see?

[Joe Coy]

I think the most powerful spider ever. Yeah, no, that's what that was.

[Adam Carolla]

Spider ate Mexican.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Got it.

[Adam Carolla]

And wow, my strong.

[Joe Coy]

I don't know why I'm using the meter maid, meter made accent to be the spider's voice.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the wind has to blow them. Oh, I'll tell you the worst moment in any first world. These are first world problems, by the way. Other countries are looking for spiders so they can use them as a source of protein. You know, we're trying to avoid them. I love our first world problem cereal. In some countries I like to go down to Darfur and explain them. You know what? I hit a spider web the other night. Oh, I was terrified.

[Allison Rosen]

My wife was bringing in the Trader Joe's bag.

[Bald Brian]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

It was horrible. There was a big flying thing. So scary. Anyway, go on with ethnic cleansing. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but the spider thing, that freaks me out. This is the most freaked out you can be with a spider is when you're driving in your car and you see the spider web, like, going from the steering wheel to the sun visor. Like, oh, my God, I'm not alone. Yeah, it's fucking in here.

[Allison Rosen]

Why didn't the person behind me flash their lights?

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why did somebody give me a heads up? And first off, how'd it get in here? Like, it's not like, oh, I leave the windows down. This is la. No one will take the laptop.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it came in through the vent or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

And now it's definitely in here. Like, it did not come in and insert this web. It freaked me out. And then leave. Laughing. It's not buying a shrub. Laughing at me right now. It's somewhere in this vehicle.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if I should pull over. Like, it's. Obviously, it's. Could be in the seat, under the seats, going up my ass. Like, what's going on?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And then are you like. Because I have this thing, like, it might actually be unsafe for me to be driving because it could drop down on me at any time while I'm trying to drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Have you ever seen the spider in the car? Have you ever witnessed the spider?

[Adam Carolla]

I have. I have had the spider in the car. I've had the. I've had the bee in the car before. That's a good one.

[Joe Coy]

Had a B too.

[Adam Carolla]

You had to be in the car.

[Joe Coy]

Scared the shit out of me. Yeah. At a stoplight. Just popped up like, hey, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit. Right.

[Joe Coy]

I had to get out of the car and wave the bee out.

[Adam Carolla]

I've had the one where the spider and or other insect was hanging on to the front windshield. And you're like, this is going to be fun. Because at 15 miles an hour, Fine. But I'm going to crank it up. We're going to get this wind tunnel experiment going. And see, and you see, it's like 45 miles an hour. The thing's still hanging on. It's on glass.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're like, what the fuck? Is it on glassware? But we actually had an interesting. A little experiment, and I think Allison is part responsible for this idea. And you guys tell me what you think of this. But I think. I think it would work. My room in my bedroom has, like a glaze on the wall. So it's like a clear, glazy kind of thing.

[Joe Coy]

Can you explain glaze? Because I don't think everyone right now. Everyone's like the. Did Adam do to his walls a

[Adam Carolla]

clear coat, like it gives the paint some depth, you know, like what you'd put on a gym floor. What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

Is it shiny?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is a. This is sort of eggshelly, but it's still a glaze. And then the ceiling is flat and all the spiders are on the ceiling. And somebody confirmed this. Well, when I say somebody confirmed this, I mean an asshole tweeted me, right? Which never. I. I just. But if you agree with me, you can be in prison and go, you're right, Ace man. I'll go. See, this is scientifically proven. Once again, you know, it doesn't matter. You disagree with me and you'll be. You will be right if you agree with me. But I concluded that the spiders were always on the ceiling and never on the wall because the wall was glossy and their gription was tough and the ceiling was flat, and thus they could grip it better. And then Allison, I believe, had the diabolically simple idea, which is every bedroom should have a sort of funnel where above the bed on the ceiling. It sort of did a funnel where it tapered down where you took the flat, had it go wide or the opposite, and funneled the spiders toward the area where they got gription. So everyone's ceiling should be done in gloss with perhaps a little narrowing flat channel. Yes. That got them to go to the other side of the room. Because I never walk into my bedroom and say, oh, they're hanging out over my kids playset. It's always over my pillow. It's always over my bed. You guys know what I'm talking?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, they like, they like to watch you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Beat off, but.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Yeah,

[Joe Coy]

but my whole thing is how

[Adam Carolla]

do they get to the roof on the gloss? Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. They, they, they can negotiate the gloss, but they don't like it. They prefer the flat.

[Joe Coy]

You didn't really think this out.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just sort of free forming this one. I'm pretty high. Right.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. You know what you think the spiders just come in on the carpet and then they look up and they go, there's where I need to be. I can grip that part right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Once they feel the gription that the flat paint offers, I think they enjoy it. And by the way, Joe Coy comedy works in green. Oh, Greenwood Village, Colorado.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

25th. April 25th through the 27th. Irvine Improv, May 2nd through the 4th, and then then again the 9th through the 11th.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, I'm doing, I think, 10 shows straight. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Having you back two weeks. Pittsburgh Improv, 16th through the 18th. Joe, Joe, Jo, that's it. Just J, O K-O Y dot com. Your son is over there eating some pasta. I noticed that he looks half something. What did you marry?

[Joe Coy]

His mom's the same as me. Half white, half Filipino.

[Adam Carolla]

Troublemaker. Interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, I went for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And how did you find that out? How did you seek it out? I mean, did you. Would you go on some crazy website or you just run into some.

[Joe Coy]

No, that's not how it went down. No, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Joe Coy]

Met his mom at a. At a nice place. At a party.

[Adam Carolla]

At a place called the 5050 Club.

[Joe Coy]

No, at a Mutual presence party. You know, my son's here, Adam. So.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not saying no. He's a joy.

[Joe Coy]

He's a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

I love him like he's my own son. No, what I'm saying is, who the is Kora?

[Joe Coy]

Why do you say that about my mommy?

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a crazy afro. Number one.

[Joe Coy]

My son's afro's out to here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, it's great. So.

[Adam Carolla]

But marrying, meeting a half Korean, half white woman that's half Filipino. I mean. Sorry, did you get Korean? Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

It's all the same.

[Joe Coy]

Come on, Joe, every Filipino is Korean. You know that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. No, I'm saying half.

[Joe Coy]

So you're Korean.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a koi part. I. I don't. All right, here's one. All right. No, half Filipino, half white. That's not. That's a tough mix.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, we call that a tough putt in the. In the dating world.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? So I'm just saying, there was this pure coincidence you found that.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. His mom's hot. Beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she's gorgeous. Genetic.

[Joe Coy]

I saw her and I was like, I'm going to get her pregnant. And I'm not even joking, you guys. She's that beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

But you didn't know what she was at the time.

[Joe Coy]

No, I did not.

[Adam Carolla]

And it just turned out to be crazy coincidence.

[Joe Coy]

Yes. And then I made the most beautiful baby in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. With a great fro.

[Joe Coy]

An amazing fro that he won't let me cut. It's huge. We should show everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

But watch my son.

[Joe Coy]

Never mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Watch out around. Son's gonna turn 10.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the birthday cake, I mean, his head's gonna go up like a Roman candle. That fro. He's got a lot of product in there, by the way.

[Joe Coy]

He does. Literally. You're not exaggerating that his head looks like. Like a fro from One of the Jackson 5.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

It's that big? It's. It's huge. He won't let me cut it, so I say enjoy it while you have it, because your daddy's bald and.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

You're gonna lose it real soon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just all genetics.

[Joe Coy]

I want to shave it, too. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have it. Neither can you.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I always keep trying to impart this wisdom to my wife, which is, we could save a bunch of money if you just got one of those wall trimmers, you know, Put the number three on there and just buzz the boy.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, three times a year, we'd be fine. I don't know. Why the kids, first off, My kid's six. What's he doing? Getting laid? Yeah, like.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, not if you give him a buzz cut. That's what I'm saying.

[Bald Brian]

Like, let's.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's remove pussy from the equation for a second here.

[Joe Coy]

Exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

It tests my time.

[Joe Coy]

I went to Super Cuts when I was a kid, and it was eight bucks. When I was a kid. Eight bucks. And then you tip, too. So that's ten, Right. My son goes to a salon, right? And they go, should we put conditioner? I'm like, he spits in his hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

You think he gives a. About conditioner?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

There's a piece of chocolate dangling from one of his.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't.

[Joe Coy]

I think he gives a. About conditioner.

[Adam Carolla]

I got my. I. I went to the Super Cuts. What would the meter maid sound like if you're talking about Super Cuts?

[Joe Coy]

Would that be pronounced going to Super Cuts? Yeah. Get the largest bowl to get my hair cut correctly.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Joe Coy]

Oh, Super Cuts. The only place to get your hair done for under $10. Enjoy. That's right. He's always got to run off. He's got a scurry. Always. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you remember Fabulous Sam's? Do they still have that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

No.

[Joe Coy]

Fantastic.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Joe Coy]

Fantastic Sam.

[Allison Rosen]

And do they still have that?

[Joe Coy]

That's what. Yeah, I think they got it.

[Allison Rosen]

It'd be funnier if it was fabulous for the ninja, but never mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, Fabus Sams, the one in silver, like, is called Fabulous Sam. They tweaked it just a little bit, you know, just for the local flavor. You know what I mean? Just dial it in. All right. She'll. Jeez, what time is it? Should we do a little news with Allison Rosen by. Let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors. Go to my PC stuck somewhere, like, here. Just Wasting time wishing you could get your home computer. Wishing you could get your work computer. Well, you can do it with Go to my PC, brought to you by Citrix. You can access your office computer from your iPad, iPhone, Android Kindle Fire. Again, one of the greatest porn actors ever to.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, Kindle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the porn state redhead. Yeah, yeah, that's right. He's a ginger. That's right, Kindle Fire. You can work while you're waiting and you can try it for free. That's right. Today free. 45 days free trial visit gotomypc.com click on the try it free button and enter the promo code. Corolla. No, Adam, I just wanted to hear you say Corolla again. Cora. All right, what do we got?

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Allison Rose, the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Joe Coy]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison Boom. Allison Boom.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it

[Joe Coy]

up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison Boom. Allison Boom.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, well, so in personal news, I took my puppy. I will do real news, but I have to get this off my chest. I took my puppy to the vet today because he was squinting his eye and his little eye infection.

[Adam Carolla]

But anyway, I see euphemism for her vagina. So she went to the gynecologist because it was doing what? Contracting.

[Allison Rosen]

It took me like an hour and 10 minutes to even see the vet. And I had made an appointment and they had me waiting there for so long. And I do not understand that this is a trend. It's. Speaking of vag. That's how long it takes when you go to the gynecologist.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Which I saw at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I expect that. But look, what does everyone have parvo?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't what goes on with the. Make an appointment and then wait. And if you do have an appointment, like, I hate it when you make a reservation at a restaurant and you make it for seven o' clock and you show up at like, 702 and they're like, yeah, it's going to be about 20 minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

Which, like, isn't that the whole point of the appointment? I didn't walk in.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me explain how this defeats the purpose of me calling in a week earlier and making an appointment or reservation. And then when they do this. How do you pronounce reservation, by the way?

[Joe Coy]

Reservation.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. You got to do it like the parking meter.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, reservation.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, sorry.

[Joe Coy]

And please wait 20 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

And we'll Have a table ready for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, listen, normally we get great service at PF Chang. Oh, really? Yeah, we do.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we do.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

We're.

[Adam Carolla]

We're big.

[Joe Coy]

I name, Sir?

[Adam Carolla]

It's Corolla.

[Joe Coy]

Cora. For how many?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's for four.

[Joe Coy]

Four. Okay. Cora for four.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Normally be 20 minutes. Yeah, and that's why I want please wait over there. We give you.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

I know.

[Joe Coy]

We give you square that will light up when you're ready.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I understand. But over a week ago we made a reservation here and normally we get fine service.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, and the whole business is very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Evidently. It is. And I'll tell you what I object to. What is it you always say? You may go to the bar and have a cocktail?

[Joe Coy]

Yes, please. You can do that right now, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but see, my feeling is, is I can go to the bar and order an 11 glass of Pinot noir, but that's just padding the bill. I think it's part of a kind of a dialogue.

[Joe Coy]

But we're good at padding the bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's a diabolical scheme.

[Joe Coy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you say diabolical?

[Joe Coy]

Diabolical. Right. Okay, I'll help you all the time with your ales.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a diabolical scheme where they invite you to come at seven and then they say you're free to wait at the bar and then you go and order a couple of cocktails and you're down 31 bucks before your ass hits the booth. Now here's the thing. And again, we normally get perfect service here.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Joe Coy]

Very kind of you, sir. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but PF Chang's over here. But I gotta say this, we have a 7 o' clock reservation again and you should give us those drinks Grottos.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, sir, that is not going to happen. Yes, this is not Cheesecake Factory. This is PF Chang.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I understood.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

There's no mistake. You have not understood, understood.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know, I do.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to be respectful. And I do understand. We're not at a place that manufacturers cheese.

[Joe Coy]

One more thing, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes?

[Joe Coy]

Your waiting time starts after you stop talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Joe Coy]

So the more you talk, the longer you wait.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's mathematically impossible. You that, that's impossible because you can't tell the people. You can't communicate.

[Joe Coy]

You know what? Let me see if your table's ready.

[Adam Carolla]

How would you pronounce communicate?

[Joe Coy]

One aurora fall. It'll be 45 minutes now, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

It was 20 minutes ago.

[Joe Coy]

I know. So we added on more for the.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, hold on.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All I'm saying is if I go to the bar and I order a couple glasses of Pinot Noir.

[Joe Coy]

Pinot Noir, my favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I like it too, but that's not

[Joe Coy]

my very, very delicious wine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, it's. I might say myself, it's a lovely wine. Yes. I'm saying. Okay, if I go and start from the beginning.

[Joe Coy]

Okay. Yes. If I'm here, we have all day, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, understood.

[Joe Coy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

If I'm here at 7 o' clock when we made the reservation.

[Joe Coy]

Exactly. It's written right here. So I wrote it down in the

[Adam Carolla]

book I'm writing

[Joe Coy]

seven o', clock, it's plus. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds weird at a restaurant, but it's plus four.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, understood. So if I. Then it's 721 now.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

My point is.

[Joe Coy]

It sure is. And we're busy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, evidently you're busy. Understood. That's why I made the reservation. Now, if I go spend 31,

[Bald Brian]

you

[Adam Carolla]

guys should give me that drink, Grotto, with that term.

[Joe Coy]

Grotto's Grotto. Yes, Grotto at the pray Boy Mansion. Grotto.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no. That means. No, that's different. That's a Jacuzzi.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's Jacuzzi.

[Joe Coy]

Jacuzzi. One moment. Let me see if your table's ready. It'll be 55 minutes now, sir. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second.

[Joe Coy]

Yes. Someone more important than you has just walked in.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be the next day if you keep going.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, yes. Tomorrow, seven o', clock, sir. For sure. I'll change now for you.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what?

[Joe Coy]

Complimentary fortune cookie for you at the end of your dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what?

[Joe Coy]

That's on me.

[Adam Carolla]

We are going to the Panda Express.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, yes. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

We will go to Pan Express.

[Joe Coy]

So help me God, my brother work there. Yeah. Express.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we're gonna go in the bar.

[Joe Coy]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna buy a Pinot Noir.

[Joe Coy]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're gonna have a cocktail. Oh, and I'll take that pager thing.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, yeah, it's all ready for you.

[Adam Carolla]

And you let me know.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, right away.

[Adam Carolla]

Corolla.

[Joe Coy]

We have a meter made, ready to tell you when your table is ready.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus four. Okay. Okay.

[Joe Coy]

Plus four.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Adam

[Adam Carolla]

Carora.

[Joe Coy]

Yes, I got it.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank. And scene is what I say. Joe Coy, everybody. I know the greeter at the PF Chang Spit never gets old, but I feel like we really put our own flavor on it this time.

[Allison Rosen]

And then also My dog is just humping the living out of.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, your dog. That's right. What we're talking about.

[Allison Rosen]

And I think like I've mentioned, like, he'll be humping something and if I lift him up, he's just humping the air.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And they keep telling me it's not sexual, it's just about dominance. And I was thinking that is this whole. It's not sexual, it's just dominance. That's like. The canine version of rape isn't about sex. It's about power.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you know the difference? Like, because I'm sure if there were a female dog there, he. Puppies will be made. Is that sexual?

[Joe Coy]

No, that's just dominant.

[Adam Carolla]

It's dominant.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's

[Allison Rosen]

like his.

[Joe Coy]

His little totally. Allison, that's totally dominant.

[Allison Rosen]

His little dog penis is fully out. Is that sexual?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Dominant. No, this is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is.

[Adam Carolla]

If you ever want to see Dr. Drew. Laughter like a stoned school age child.

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

All you got to do is get him going on me with the. Rape is an act of violence, not a sexual act. And I. It's. Dr. Drew's, you know, he's a. He's. He's a man of science, but nothing will break him down. That when I. When I do the. Listen, Drew. Rape, it's not a sexual crime. It has nothing to do with sex. It's a vicious, violent crime where you come at the end, but it's not sexual. It's. It is not sexual at all. It's. It's no different than if you were walking out to your car tonight and I came up behind you and punched

[Joe Coy]

the out of me and came and then just come all over my face.

[Adam Carolla]

Come all over you. But it's not sexual.

[Joe Coy]

Who's the boss now, man?

[Adam Carolla]

It is a.

[Joe Coy]

You got concussion.

[Adam Carolla]

It is a violent non sexual crime where you come all over the place at the end, but it's not. There's nothing to do with sex.

[Joe Coy]

That's how I fight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

I knock the out of somebody and then when they're out, I just jerking off on them. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

That's your call.

[Joe Coy]

That's what you get, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, cut me off, right?

[Joe Coy]

Don't cut me off.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Spread the word.

[Joe Coy]

How dare you cut me off in the middle of traffic.

[Adam Carolla]

That's your tire chalk. That's how you chalk.

[Joe Coy]

Take your talk and shove it up your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it sounds like when a ninja jacks up.

[Joe Coy]

That's what a ninja sounds like when

[Adam Carolla]

he Jacks up when a power forward in the NBA.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, oh, oh. Delicious all over your face. Oh, that's more. Oh, I have a big bowl full of cum. Oh, my God. This is unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow.

[Joe Coy]

So much cum.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a refractory period with ninjas beating off? And what would the word refractory sound like?

[Joe Coy]

Refractory all over your face, Atom. That's what you get for having too many l in your names. There you go. Laugh so your mouth is open. Enjoy, Enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

So Obama.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, back to Alex.

[Adam Carolla]

Put your hands together for the. For the jacking ninja.

[Joe Coy]

That's another.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Joe Coy]

Do people. Do people know that I used to do your show and I was Kobayashi?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I don't know. Does anyone?

[Joe Coy]

Do you remember back in the day,

[Adam Carolla]

way back in the day, Joe used to do my morning radio show.

[Joe Coy]

Is Kobayashi who's the hot dog eating champion?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He is a very arrogant man who beats. The thing about. The thing about. He would show up at Coney Island, I mean, on the 4th of July and beat us at a hot dog eating contest. The man whose grandfather bombed Pearl harbor would show up on the 4th of July to Coney island and beat us eating our own national food. Baseballs, hot dogs and apple pie and. Kobayashi.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, Kobayashi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Eat all your hot dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Very, very cocky.

[Joe Coy]

You're very cocky.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, very.

[Joe Coy]

Listen.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, you call that a hot dog?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I do.

[Joe Coy]

I got a sausage for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Now.

[Adam Carolla]

Kobe. Don't make this homoerotic. Do not make this homoerotic, homo. Erotic

[Joe Coy]

sausage for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen to me. Listen to me.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not. I'm never gonna go down that.

[Joe Coy]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Don't mock me, but I speak for all Americans.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When I say, watching you come in here at Coney island on the Fourth of July.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. That's the day. Eat all your hot dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And make love to our winner champion.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't appreciate that at all.

[Joe Coy]

What are you going to do about it? Well, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on.

[Joe Coy]

Nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

You're very cocky. Most Japanese people I know are very humble. They're not braggarts like yourself. Okay. You are like. You're. You're the Muhammad Ali.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Japanese hot dog. I know it's been said before.

[Joe Coy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It bears repeating. And by the way, you don't eat hot dogs in a conventional way.

[Joe Coy]

You dip the bun into bun into water.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

Then shove in the mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Right.

[Joe Coy]

Then I swallow right down my esophagus.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I understand.

[Joe Coy]

I it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Joe Coy]

Then I eat that hot dog again. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

That I did not know. That is unbelievable.

[Joe Coy]

Champion for reason.

[Adam Carolla]

I think his record is like 53 hot dogs.

[Joe Coy]

54.

[Adam Carolla]

54. Sorry.

[Joe Coy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I should never round down on 54 hot dogs. And I think 10 minutes, 15 minutes. I don't know what the Nathan's hot dog eating record is, but Kobayashi, I gotta say, there's a guy by the name of Joey Chestnut.

[Joe Coy]

I hate the joy of Chestnut.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's an American.

[Joe Coy]

He's a piece of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, now he's a big man.

[Joe Coy]

I will eat the beautiful hot dog and then eat the joy Chess he'll give you. I put Joey Chestnut in a bun, dip him in the water, and then eat the joy.

[Adam Carolla]

He will give you a good him

[Joe Coy]

out and eat a joy.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, he's the greatest hope for America, this Joey Chestnut.

[Joe Coy]

He is a ruser.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's not a ruser.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

He won.

[Adam Carolla]

He's won last year. He's gonna be back next year.

[Joe Coy]

You think? Unless I eat him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You think of yourself as a champion, but he won last year.

[Joe Coy]

Kobe Chestnut. I'm coming for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Kobayashi, everybody. The great Kobayashi.

[Joe Coy]

I don't. I don't know why I squint my eyes to get into.

[Adam Carolla]

It's effective.

[Joe Coy]

It's nothing worse than an Asian guy squinting his eyes to get into an Asian carrot.

[Adam Carolla]

You want not find any.

[Joe Coy]

Hold on. Look, Adam, I'm doing an Asian guy right now.

[Adam Carolla]

No quarrel from this bigot. I mean, racist.

[Bald Brian]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

I know I like to undersell it. Yes, sir.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so Obama gave an interview where he said that he and Michelle have this thing they're going to do to prevent Sasha and Malia from getting tattoos, which is if their kids get tattoos. They said that they are going to get the exact same tattoos in the same spots on their body and then put a video on YouTube calling it a family tattoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, I love that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I've said it once, I've said it a million times. The tattoo industry back in the 50s was like, well, who's your clientele? Merchant marines. Yeah, outside of that, there's a few rogue Marine Marines, but it's mostly merchant marines, like, just maritime stuff. Guys who work on shipping, container ships and things like that.

[Allison Rosen]

We have anchor and we have mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And then at a certain point, yeah, those are what. Those are true stencils. And then at a certain point, like, guys outside of, you know, bikers started getting involved, and then guys with biceps over 19 inches starting getting involved.

[Joe Coy]

But, you know, there Was this, like.

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Joe Coy]

It was a slow trend. It wasn't like the tattoos now, where it was like, portraits and stuff. It was like guys started getting tattoos of cartoon characters. Like, here's Tweety Bird on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This is smoking a cigar.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Joe Coy]

Stuff like that. But then it started going into, like,

[Adam Carolla]

to the tattoo industry, the fact that hot young white chicks would get tattoos. Like, it used to be Pamela Anderson. There's no way that the Marilyn Monroe would have got a tattoo. Marilyn Monroe was the 50s or 60s version of Pamela Anderson. Yeah. And then the fact that black people started getting tattoos, like, it must have been funny, like, in the 50s, if a black guy walked into a tattoo parlor.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. If you do a black voice.

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Hey, can I get a tattoo? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I was a tattoo artist.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. Something, you know, something black.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right, right. Like, it's never going to show up.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. I was thinking. Thinking maybe a panther.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen.

[Joe Coy]

Like a panther with his eyes closed.

[Adam Carolla]

Come back, you know, get the out of here. Yeah, yeah.

[Joe Coy]

My name. Can you put my name underneath the

[Adam Carolla]

pants are gonna show up? You're black. You see, that's.

[Joe Coy]

Just do it for me, man.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the point. They didn't. Black people didn't get. Get tattoos. The tattoos didn't show up on black people, and women didn't get tattoos.

[Joe Coy]

You can see it if you get real close. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Super skinny dudes didn't get skinny guys, like, wavy dudes.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think they're tattoo artists who, like, hated the way it was going? They're like, I got into this strictly to tat up merchant marines. I will not touch a white woman or a black man. Well, he's not a merchant marine.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, is the business. Once the brothers started getting sleeved up and the chick started getting tattooed up, this must have just been a incredible boon window.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, a windfall for the tattoo industry because it used to be late. It just was this. It was three guys. It was like, whoever fought Popeye.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that. Was that Pluto?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's true. And then merchant marines, like that. That was it.

[Joe Coy]

And there's only one spot, the bicep. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Now it's the neck.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you want? You want. You want hula girl? You want tat? You want anchor? You want Mom?

[Joe Coy]

I'll take mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Joe Coy]

I can put it right here on my right bicep.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll do the hula girl on your bicep and then, like, make her do the hula thing when You. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe Coy]

And then you can put my squadron underneath it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, now you have the guys, the guys coaching my kids in basketball. Is the big calf tattoo.

[Joe Coy]

Like, they'll put.

[Allison Rosen]

What is it of?

[Adam Carolla]

He's too far away from me and he's too brown for me to make it out. So it just looks like somebody took a sharpie to a tattoo.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, it looks like somebody tattoo of a bruise. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what it is.

[Bald Brian]

Given your obsession with calves, though, that must be intriguing for you. Arousing.

[Adam Carolla]

He has a lot of calf on him, so it's plenty canvas there for the tattoo artist. But, yeah, chicks are getting tattoos, and then chicks are so dumb. Hold on, hear me out. But they're like, when a dude gets a tattoo, the dude's like, I'm getting a tattoo on my knuckles so people can see I got a tattoo. Chicks get a tattoo that nobody can see. Like, they go, I want a tattoo. I want the pain and expense of a tattoo, but I'm gonna get it in a place that no one can see it.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't understand, Adam. It's just for me. And I know I have it. And then I feel, I, I, I

[Adam Carolla]

have a. I want to go buy a mirror ball and hang it. My fucking closet.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know it's there. And then I can have a me day with my tattoo and my mirror ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Drunken guys that are fucking you from behind can realize you're a whore when their balls deepen you. This is an awesome life strategy. Yeah. I want a tattoo for me. What the fuck does that mean?

[Joe Coy]

That doesn't make any sense.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Joe Coy]

I want it on the inside of my vagina.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Joe Coy]

It's. It says hey every time you open it. Like, hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wanna, I wanna my hood. There you are.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm gonna get one.

[Joe Coy]

Two M's next to my, My butthole. And then when you spread it, it says, mom, cute. Or says, mom, that's cute. Thanks. It's just for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I turned her. Turn her over.

[Bald Brian]

It says, wow, wow, wow.

[Joe Coy]

That's a butthole.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say, chicks do a lot of for them. Like, lingerie is just for them.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. I never understood that.

[Adam Carolla]

They go out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I, I, I have a real problem with that, actually. This whole thing of the sexy thong, which is basically just a wedgie. No, you don't understand. It's just gonna end up up here. But anyway, like, where are you buying underwear? There are is underwear that doesn't climb

[Adam Carolla]

up your ass, and I recommend it. Any underwear that spent any real time up my ass would have to be taken away as medical waste when I was done, I have to be incinerated with. When they remove, like, legs with gangrene and things like that. Incinerator.

[Joe Coy]

I don't understand is even guys have sexy underwear. They. They got thong. There's guys that buy thongs or other dudes. But here's the thing, Adam. They know their size. It's in a package. You buy the medium, right? A medium pack of fucking thongs, right? But women, they go into Victoria's Secret and they're like, I don't know if this medium is gonna fit me. And then they try the fucking thong on, right? They put a piece of paper over the thong part and they try. That's the most disgusting thing fit. Can you fold it back up and put it in that drawer?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. So look, it got quite in here, but it's real. That's real.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they. So they have a Kuz Coaster, like something.

[Allison Rosen]

A couscous.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the.

[Joe Coy]

It's the. It's the gas.

[Adam Carolla]

The ass gasket.

[Joe Coy]

They put it on the thong, and then they tried on that hero.

[Adam Carolla]

Should work over there. And.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So the. The. When you go to Victoria's Secret, they do a liner, right?

[Joe Coy]

Because if it doesn't just a thin

[Adam Carolla]

piece of paper fit, okay.

[Joe Coy]

And then they put it over. I'm not even joking.

[Adam Carolla]

You know.

[Joe Coy]

You've never seen this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I've heard about it.

[Joe Coy]

They try. Allison, am I making this.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait, you're not.

[Allison Rosen]

But you know a lot about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I got it. I gotta. There's gotta be a lot of weirdos going through that dumpster at the Victoria's Secret.

[Bald Brian]

Right here.

[Adam Carolla]

Right there.

[Joe Coy]

That's me, Joe. And I grabbed those little.

[Adam Carolla]

I grabbed those pieces of paper of you and your offensive accents.

[Joe Coy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I came up. Not to me. Not to me.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

I came up with what I thought was a great movie, you know, a great vehicle for Rob Schneider.

[Joe Coy]

What is it, by the way? Filipino White. Rob Schneider?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's got some of that in him.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah. Well, no, he's got all of it in him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So all that. Well, he's half or something.

[Joe Coy]

He's half like you.

[Adam Carolla]

You should have married him. So here's the thing. I had this idea that Rob Schneider played an Asian woman to get a job at a place called Pinky Cheeks that does the waxing for all the women who do the Playboy, right? And so the the, the deal is his girlfriend, he's like an out of work screen writer. And his girlfriend says, I'm gonna do Playboy to make some money because he's got a hot blonde girlfriend.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's like, I don't want you doing Playboy. And she's like, I'm gonna go down to Pinky Cheeks and get everything waxed up down there to do my photo shoot. And he realizes if he gets the Mrs. Doubtfire. How would you pronounce Mrs. Doubtfire?

[Joe Coy]

Mises adult Fire.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Outfit on. Does the Asian. All the Asian women. All the 50 year old Asian women work at Pinky Cheeks who do the bikini waxing. He gets a job there. He up the wax job on her. She can't do the photo shoot. So that's his whole plan. Rob Schneider becomes the Pinky Cheeks wax chick.

[Joe Coy]

That's brilliant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What does that sound like, Joe?

[Joe Coy]

How would one sound like relaxing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, I'm saying he. Now, now the joke is, okay, he goes in to start his first day.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And Melissa, what's her name, the big fat chick from McCarthy. Melissa McCarthy comes in and she goes, it's my honeymoon weekend and I want it all taken off. So that's the big jump.

[Joe Coy]

We don't have enough works for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I want it all. Yeah, you gotta take it all.

[Joe Coy]

Sorry, do you have a coupon?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got a coupon, a voucher and I got cash on the barrel head.

[Joe Coy]

We just run out.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, let's go with an anal bleaching then.

[Joe Coy]

We, we do not have any more breach.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw the bleach container back there.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, that's for. That's for clothes.

[Adam Carolla]

We clean clothes that are good enough for me. I'll bite on this wooden spoon. Now start bleaching.

[Joe Coy]

We just cross. We just cross now.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you know what? It's 2:25 in the afternoon. I don't think you're closed yet.

[Joe Coy]

We will open in 25 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? I'm gonna just go ahead and get my drawers down.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

And I gotta apologize in advance. I've kind of let myself go. You know what I mean? It's been a pretty cold winter and I haven't experienced exactly been.

[Joe Coy]

Don't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Haven't exactly been pruning down there. But like, but like I said, my wedding's got.

[Joe Coy]

That is the biggest vagina I ever see.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I. I'm pretty proud of squirrel. Yeah, it looks pretty big.

[Joe Coy]

Oh my God, he going to eat me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, if you just go ahead and Heat the.

[Joe Coy]

I'm inside your vagina. No, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what that echo is? Sir?

[Joe Coy]

Ma', Am, I'm in your vagina.

[Bald Brian]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it happens all the time. It's an honest mistake.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Let me.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't usually get called sir when people are inside my vag, but that's.

[Joe Coy]

That's an interesting wrinkle, because your vagina has a penis.

[Adam Carolla]

That's clitoromeglia. I can explain that later. I used to do a little wrestling in college. Thank you. And see. Yeah, yeah. Because it just keeps getting gross. Rob Schneider movie would be. He's there to work on his gal, but the big fat chick came in first. Right, of course.

[Allison Rosen]

What I want to know is. And I don't know that you've written the script with this much detail, but

[Adam Carolla]

in my head and in my heart,

[Allison Rosen]

how is he gonna botch the waxing?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he sneezes. You know what I mean? And the wax goes across, and he makes a little swastika. You know what I mean? Swastika There. And, you know. And now, of course, who could deal with this? You know, we have a lot of German, you know, Jewish fans who read Playbook. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's funny, right?

[Allison Rosen]

So doctors are warning teens not to take the cinnamon challenge. Do you know what this is?

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Spread on YouTube. It's this challenge where people say, can you swallow a teaspoon of cinnamon without drinking any water?

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's so dry that you can't really. And you, like, laugh and you cough and you inhale, and then you start choking. Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And then it's actually. It can lead to choking, throat irritation, breathing trouble, and even collapsed lungs.

[Joe Coy]

Can you die?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if they have any deaths from this, but so I said, game on.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah, it looks bad. I've seen it in the video. It's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

He. It's weird. There's certain things that seem like you can do, but you can't do. Like, there's the. Eat a cube of butter. We did on the man show, where the guy just vomited all over the place. There's, like, chubby cube.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like I could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's only cube and pad. Like, there's no.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you mean like a stick of butter?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry. Yes, of stick. Oh, butter.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm still butter. I shouldn't have said cube, because there is a cube. There's a pad, a cube, and a stick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stick.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Butter is what you can't eat without Yakking. There's also the.

[Joe Coy]

I don't know, Allison, you didn't really think that the challenge was just a Cuba butter?

[Adam Carolla]

I think so.

[Joe Coy]

I think I can do that challenge.

[Adam Carolla]

It was my fault.

[Allison Rosen]

I do that on a pat. Yeah, I can do that.

[Adam Carolla]

The, the, the. There's nothing better. I like the pad of butter. Because the pad of butter comes in an ice thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So it can never be spread. It's a weird thing where someone goes, hey, you know this thing that needs to be spread when it gets to room temperature, let's put it on a block of dried ice so that it can only roll over on top of the bread. And then what you do is you. You don't spread the butter around the bread. You work the roll around the butter. Like if the mountain won't come to where. Yeah. So you work it around and then you get that fucked up butter bun ratio. That's the greatest bite of your life. It's like it's 80% butter and 20% bun. And you're like, the next bite is going to be shit. Because that's going to be nothing.

[Joe Coy]

But. Yeah, but bread.

[Adam Carolla]

But this is a great fucking ratio right now.

[Allison Rosen]

It's true. Who's ever complained? I can't spread this butter. It's too soft.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask you something.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What goes on? Why do we.

[Joe Coy]

They should never offer the butter as butter. They should go, hey, do you want to your toast up real quick? Right? And then they offer the. And then they give you the butter. Rip that to shreds. You like croutons.

[Adam Carolla]

Why is cold a luxury? Heated is a luxury.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

If you fly first class, they give you a hot towel and you like, freshen up with your hot towel. But the silverware is chill. Frozen and cold metal doesn't feel good on your teeth or your hands or any.

[Joe Coy]

Or on your hot steak.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the butter shows up in like the ice bucket and it's like, well, this is not helping me. I have a frozen knife. I have a frozen pad of butter and it is rolling along the top of this biscuit.

[Joe Coy]

What the fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

Why is this a luxury?

[Joe Coy]

Why. Why is the butters on ice? But the half and halfs are just chilling in the fucking corner getting hot. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up?

[Joe Coy]

Isn't that supposed to be on ice?

[Adam Carolla]

God damn. Right.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right?

[Joe Coy]

It's like just little tiny pockets of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

I don't even know. Come. I guess I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

He's an expert on half and half.

[Joe Coy]

Half and half should Be on ice.

[Adam Carolla]

He wrote the book on half and half Half and half.

[Joe Coy]

Oh. How would you like your coffee, sir? Would you like it light brown? That you need a little me in your coffee? Enjoy. You just always say enjoy at the end. Yeah, enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, by the way, I've been waiting like 40 minutes for my table here also.

[Joe Coy]

Well, you're going to have to continue to wait.

[Adam Carolla]

I've racked up $140 over at the bar.

[Joe Coy]

Oh yeah. So thank you so much for your.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying that's not. I didn't come here to get drunk.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I wanted some pork fried rice.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, you're going to get your pork fried rice. What time was your reservation?

[Adam Carolla]

It was 7 o'.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Clock.

[Joe Coy]

And what time is it now?

[Adam Carolla]

It's 8:42.

[Joe Coy]

8:42. One moment. Let me check your name again, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Corolla Cor Corona

[Joe Coy]

Cora. 4i.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

[Joe Coy]

Yes, Your table will be ready at 9:27.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard a word.

[Joe Coy]

We already have pork fried rice ready for you. I heard just no table.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I heard.

[Joe Coy]

Would you like more Pinot Noir?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm tired of paying $12 a glass.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Noir.

[Adam Carolla]

You understand? I made a reservation.

[Joe Coy]

Let me see what your last name again?

[Adam Carolla]

Corolla.

[Joe Coy]

Cor Corona. One moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Explain something.

[Joe Coy]

Why don't we crow so you have a table?

[Adam Carolla]

Shouldn't be here when you're crows. I want to be here when you're open.

[Joe Coy]

We open at 8am we'll make reservation for you right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not interested in eating, you know, puffed rice for cereal.

[Joe Coy]

You understand? Pork fried rice in the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

So good. It does not con in the morning. Hold on.

[Joe Coy]

Uhhuh.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't even use my name that time.

[Joe Coy]

Corolla Cora. One moment. Asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

Asshole.

[Joe Coy]

Yes, I heard.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't heard that time. Okay, this is insulting.

[Joe Coy]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm going to the Panda Express.

[Joe Coy]

Oh yeah. Delicious over there. Yeah. It's not orange chicken. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay. It's not great.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Delicious.

[Joe Coy]

Sir. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll eat again. You understand?

[Joe Coy]

I understand, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I'll take my business elsewhere.

[Joe Coy]

Oh, go, sir. Have a bad day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay.

[Joe Coy]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you very much, PF Chang. Hostess, everybody. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That's the news.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

We have our new bit now, the super passive aggressive greeter at PF Chang.

[Allison Rosen]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that. Yeah. You know what you guys love? Hulu Plus Baby Hulu. You can watch as Many TV shows as you want, anytime, anywhere. Current TV shows. You can watch the reruns, you can. What would rerun sound like?

[Joe Coy]

Rerun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you can watch the rerun. You can watch the classics, the critically acclaimed movies, the original series. Original series.

[Joe Coy]

You spell rerun. L, E, L U N. Rerun. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And original series.

[Joe Coy]

Original series, you can watch. I can do this all day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's why you're here. Any device. Your smartphone, your tablet, you can watch on your TV. Use your PS3, your Xbox 360.

[Joe Coy]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Blu Ray brew.

[Joe Coy]

Blu Ray, say correctly.

[Adam Carolla]

Blu Ray.

[Joe Coy]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Blu Ray. Roku.

[Joe Coy]

Roku.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a good one for you. You like to watch on the Roku.

[Joe Coy]

Roku.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but not the Blu Ray. No, no, no.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Goo.

[Adam Carolla]

No good.

[Joe Coy]

Yes. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Blu Ray brew

[Joe Coy]

all day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, Apple TV is good. Only 7.99amonth. But my listeners get a special extended free trial.

[Joe Coy]

Yes. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Free trial.

[Joe Coy]

We should make this like a. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to huluplus.com forward/adam and click on the hulu plus banner on adamcarolla.com.

[Joe Coy]

nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Thank you. Joe. Joe Coy, everybody. Love me some Joe Coy. I'm gonna be doing some stand up at the Merced theater this Saturday, April 27th at 9pm so come on out and see how funny I am after driving for five hours. And we're also going to do a live podcast in Corona, California. M15 Concert Bar and Grill. That is this Sunday, April 28th. I expect to see all of you out there. The Cinco de Mayo White Mangria party. What would that sound like in your native tongue? How do you say Cinco de Mayo?

[Joe Coy]

Cinco de Mayo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

White Mangria party. That's in Malibu.

[Joe Coy]

Malibu.

[Adam Carolla]

Malibu. Yes, sir. A Corolla. House in Malibu.

[Joe Coy]

Rory house in Malibu.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's right. And that is May 5th. And all the proceeds are going to the children's hospital. John Popper's going to be there. Fits in the tantrums and more. Come on out. Tickets available. And they're all tax deductible. Tax deductible.

[Joe Coy]

Tax deductible.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I want to thank Joe Coy for coming out here. Awesome. Joe Coy.

[Joe Coy]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

No Elliot Gould, but good enough for now. Website. Joe Koy. That's J O K O Y dot com. You can find out where he's playing all around town and all around the country. And you can tweet him at JoeCoi. One word, just Joe Koi.

[Joe Coy]

J O K O Y. J O K O Y.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for joke, Allison Rosen and Paul Brian saying mahalo.

[Joe Coy]

Adam Carora.

[Adam Carolla]

Mahalo.

[Joe Coy]

Mahalo. Valight.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Adam Carollo Show 1064. Coming up next, we have Adam Carlos Show 1080 featuring the great Greg Fitzsimmons, great Fruit Simmons, along with Allison Rose and Brian bishop, also from 2013. This one's in the studio. It features one of the most epic rounds of blah, blah, blah in the show's history. It's very funny. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Joe Coy]

Fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For Showtime's press, nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Allison Rosen]

That is so effective on Pluto TV

[Pluto TV Announcer]

stream now pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, O'Reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with O'Reilly because I got a car race coming up at about six or seven weeks since. Time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam

[Adam Carolla]

Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging, and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration, and expert distribution, all designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network. You'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcast1pro.com to get started today. Podcast1pro, the power behind the podcast. Good to see you, Allison Rosen.

[Joe Coy]

Hello.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

And the bald one. Bald Brian, you cannot imagine how wrong you are. Love her.

[Bald Brian]

Requested by Rohan McGeegan Mahegan. Whatever. Twitter hashtag top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

And that is Jane Goodall or what's her name.

[Bald Brian]

Someone requested it and said Jane Goodall. I want to hear Dian Fossey saying that. It's like, I'm close.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't get to Diane. I mean, that's. I cannot imagine how wrong you are. Yeah. Even August's Rolodex doesn't go that deep. When I mean deep. That deep. Hit the timer, would you please, on the monitor. All right. Lots to talk about, lots to complain about. Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitz dog going to be in here. And that's exciting. Always a great cast. My dog Molly. I've joked in the past, I'm serious now. Is there a hobo that wants to kill this dog for me? Because I'm now on how much?

[Bald Brian]

All the podcast listening hobos.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like on Molly detail and this morning, running late, doing a thousand jobs. And that, this, that and the other. She will not eat anything but the can. One and the cans are. She eats a fucking can and a half. So that means there's the open can in the fridge all the time. There was a moistened paper towel that was stuffed in the top of it. That was six months of that until the ace man said, I bet they make lids that go on top of those things. And lo and behold, one was purchased and then one was lost. And then the ace man made a second request. He said, I bet you can buy them in multiples.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And the next thing you know, we had five lids and now problem solved. But you have to scoop the thing out of the fuck. There's nothing worse than that gelatinous dog food mess. And there's the one. It's so weird because when it's hot, like it's been hot outside, it's like falls right out of the can. But when it's cold, you have to fucking massage it.

[Allison Rosen]

And some is gonna get on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And so it's always. You always get that weird drip. It's like a porn movie. So there's the thing where you're scooping and you're prodding and you're pushing and then you gotta break. Then you gotta break it up. Cause it's can shaped and you gotta get the knife in there, like chop it all up.

[Allison Rosen]

Although really what would happen if you just gave her a slice of dog food?

[Adam Carolla]

I keep saying, okay, no, this is a. This is a brick of dog food. This is a log of dog food.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to. Oh, to get a portion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. So then you do all that. Then you gotta stand there while she eats the fucking thing. You know, with the nummy, nummy, nummy and the dinner time. I got in this stupid argument, a discussion with Lynette, like breakfast time dinner. Din din.

[Joe Coy]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

It's morning. They always say din din. Really shouldn't know the difference between. Feel weird saying din Din since 8:45 in the morning. No, it's din din.

That's what.

She knows I like brunch. But yeah, she does not speak English.

[Allison Rosen]

Mocked is too strong. But I questioned your pretending to eat the dog food as a way to get Molly to eat it. Except that now that's what we do with our puppy. They really. They're really dumb. They really fall for it.

[Adam Carolla]

So I then when she's done eating, I have to get her the insulin shot, get 15cc's of that loaded up. Which jabbing the syringe into any living creature is not a great. Never great thing. So I have to do that. And then when she's done with that, she needs her antibiotic pill or whatever pill she needs, which means I gotta take the finger full of cream cheese. And then I have to disguise it. You have to keister the cream cheese, has to ke. Stir the big pill. And then I have to do that thing where I put my finger halfway down her mouth. You know, you gotta eat it. And now I got the weird cream cheese finger, right.

[Allison Rosen]

With dogs bobber on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Part of me is like, I wanna go rinse it off. The other part is some cream gave its life for this. Like, why let the dog finish licking it off? And now come the eye drops.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Each eye.

[Bald Brian]

This is new.

[Allison Rosen]

She has two now.

[Adam Carolla]

It turns out I was supposed to be doing it all along. It's new to me. New to me. Like a new girlfriend's new to me. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Somewhere somebody's tired of giving Molly eye drops, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So the eye drops. And it's like, Jesus Christ, I don't have a fucking hour to dedicate to this dog before I leave the house. And then basically the dog becomes a Fucking doorstop for the rest of. You know. Then it just walks over and falls over. No. Then it gets a treat. I should get a treat. He said I should get something that tastes like giblets for what I've been through.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, what would. Oh, no. I was gonna say, what would your treat be hidden in? But you could just have a treat.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't need to hide my treats. Yeah, I take them unwrapped. Then she does that super insulting thing where it's like whenever I give her the treat, I go into the pantry and I pull out the jerky treat, whatever, and I give it to her and she does that move where she pulls it and then backs up, does the dog back, back up, move, and then scurries off. And I'm like, hey, bitch, I'm saving your life. I can't be trusted with a jerky treat. And I gave it to you. If I wanted to eat this treat, I'd be eating this treat right now. You understand? I handed you the treat. Don't give me that part where you don't trust me with the jerky.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's best friend my ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

And they always take it to an undisclosed location.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like, I gotta go over here and eat this treat.

[Bald Brian]

You're in the safest possible environment. No one's taking anything you have.

[Allison Rosen]

And sometimes they kinda go back and forth from room to room for a little while. Like they can't decide which is the safest location.

[Adam Carolla]

She flops down in the middle of everywhere. And I just realize, Jesus Christ, how? What do I have? What do we have invested in this dog? And, you know, Lynette's gonna bring home the cases of the big tall boy dog food all time. It's God knows it's top shelf shit. I mean, oh, my God, gluten free. So anyway, something's gonna have to give because it's not enough time in the day to take care of this beast anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

This is probably a horrible question, but don't you think that if she got hungry enough, she would just eat whatever. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I will speak to both sides of this discussion. I have had the discussion because my goal in life, nay, my calling, nay, my muse calling and goal, is to streamline everything. Like when I see repetitive, you know, put the keys where the keys go and put the sunglasses where the sunglasses go and never look for them again. You know, this is repetitive. I'm the guy who, when I'm filling up my car and it takes eight minutes to fill it up, I'm standing there crawling out of my skin. And so I'm cleaning the windshield and I'm going inside, and I'm using this moment to gather up every loose paper and every rubber band that's in the car, and I'm cleaning the car because this is downtime for me. Like, so for me, I'm not super anal. I'm just like, life is multitask. I have this thing. I have this weird thing that I've kind of explained to all of you, which is everything. I want everything to be measured in sort of units of energy. It's just energy that sunlight hits the earth, the plants grow, they're harvested, they're put in a truck, diesel fuel and vulcanized rubber is spent. They bring it to your table. And when you throw away food, you've just thrown away X amount of units of energy. Fertilizer, soil, water, the farmer, the person who picked it, the person who works at groceries, the lights at the grocery store. It's all energy. Energy. And I sort of try to treat myself in life as a sort of perpetual motion machine, which is if I'm driving my car and I see the light is red and There's a car 100 yards in front of me, I'm off the gas and coasting. I mean, I don't want to touch the brake.

[Bald Brian]

Go neutral when you go downhill.

[Adam Carolla]

I have almost. Yes, I have like, almost made contact with cars on the freeway because I don't want to hit the brake. Like, I'm coasting, coasting. And they're not going fast enough because the brake scrubs off energy. You're taking fuel, fossil fuel, whatever it is, and you're now scrubbing it off. And now not only scrubbing it off, you're wasting more brake pad material and wasting now to do don't touch. So my thing is this perpetual motion sort of energy thing. And by the way, the only way to write two books while you're doing podcasts, while you're traveling the country doing standup, while you're doing pilots, is to hire Mike Lynch. Is to hire Mike Lynch. Put him in the backseat of the car. We're going from Spokane to Portland. Start reading out loud when Mike August reads the book out loud. We got four hours in this car. Let's get something done. So it's that kind of why we're all sitting in this confined space. I've had people where I'm writing a movie or I'm working on a project or something, and they go, when can we get some time to get Together. And I go, I'm going to Vegas to do Stern on Wednesday. I'm going to drive in. I'll leave about noon. I'll roll in about 4:35. I'll do Stern for like, two, three hours. I'll get back in the car and I'll drive home. You want to get something done, get in the passenger seat and go for eight hours and they'll do it.

[Bald Brian]

That was before iPads, too. Think how much easier that is now. Seriously.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And there they were with the quill, and they kept dipping it.

[Bald Brian]

Their ink jar would leak everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all over. So I am this perpetual motion thing. Not an obnoxious way. Just in, like, when I walk around the house, if I'm walking from the bedroom upstairs to the kitchen, I am gathering every single thing that could go into that kitchen and, like, bowl, cereal, bowl, cup. It's coming with me. It's coming with me. And then when I get to the kitchen, if there's anything that's going the other direction, I'm grabbing it.

[Allison Rosen]

What about to bed? Because it's when I'm tired that that's when I'm like, I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I'm drunk, but tired as well. But there's an element of that. But that's why I'm all into, you've got your wine glass or you've got your coffee mug. Give it a little spritz of water now and save yourself the cleaning part, the scrubbing part tomorrow. And I don't even do the scrubbing. Someone else does it, but it's more energy scrubbed off. Pardon the pun. So that's just the way I work. It's a perpetual energy movement. Let's not waste it. And doesn't matter how much something costs. It's not about. It's not about being thrifty. It's about being sort of efficient.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you do while you brush

[Adam Carolla]

your teeth with the penisax? I mean, I don't know why. None of your beeswax.

[Bald Brian]

Can I put an official request in? This reminds me of what was actually probably my favorite bit from the radio days, which we haven't done, I don't think. Once on this podcast, which is do yourself a favor. We would bring in life tips, and we take some from the audience. I would always learn multiple things that I've incorporated in my life and made my life easier.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary, write down do yourself a favor.

And it's easy.

And so my problem with Molly is. I say, let's get her on the kibble. You could put the cup into the kibble, pour it into the. No more can openers, no more cans, no more smell, no more lids, no more half open this. No more scooping with the knife with all the crap on it, blah, blah, blah. And the answer is, Molly won't eat the kibble. And I go, let's get her the best kibble and have her eat it. And the answer is, she will not. Now, here's where the problem is. I say we will break her. We will take a week, we will break her, and then she'll be on the kibble. It'll be a shitty week, but it'll be the best week we ever spent because we're not going to go another three years opening these fucking cans and schlepping them in from the driveway amidst a brick of these things. Weighs like 40 pounds. You know, we're killing her. They're stacking up and what are we doing? Well, fucking Molly, when you put that kibble out, and this is the high end shit, just fucking looks at it, goes to the other room, lays down. And I just said to Lynn, she'll have to eat. She'll get hungry. She'll have to. She'll eat. She'll get hungry. She'll have to eat. She has to. She has to. That bitch goes and lays down the fucking hall for like four hours. It does not even come back into the fucking hunger strike. You bring her back in. Yeah, it's like Guantanamo Bay. You bring her in, you put her in front of it, you do the e. Din, din, din, din, nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy. Nope, Just, like, lays down. And my contention is, is we can break her. The fucking problem is she needs an insulin shot after she eats.

[Allison Rosen]

And if so, if she doesn't, yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

we can't give her the shot on the empty stomach. So it's this kind of thing where we're standing there and you know, Lynette's going, I gotta go do the podcast. I'm like, fucking eat then, Molly, eat. And then she's going, see why this won't work? Because I gotta go pick up the kids and I gotta give her the shot now. And if she won't eat now. And I'm like, eat, and she won't eat. So the insulin shot has fucked us with that. Otherwise I'd put the shit out there. And I don't care if I stepped over her bones three weeks after. That'd be her decision. You Know what I mean? You don't want to eat the fucking kibble. That's, that's your deal.

[Bald Brian]

That sucks. Cause dogs are so routine based. At least mine is. And I think most are that if you just even wait an hour past their usual eating time and then put down anything edible, they'll attack it. Because it's like.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but Molly's turned into a fucking full blown. She's like the Zsa Zsa Gabor of dogs. Timely recipe. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

The Nicki Minaj of dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Nicki Minaj of dogs. Anyway, speaking of food and eating, somebody shot me a tweet and I'll show you a little clip, L.A. unified. We gotta feed the kids. Now, I've said this many times, we've got to feed the kids breakfast. It drives me insane. Here's what I'm saying. First off, the most fundamental, rudimentary part of parenting is feeding your parent. And I don't mean now. I'm talking about dawn of civilization, just feeding your kid. I mean, from only in this particular brief point in this earth's history have we decided that feeding your kid is sort of an option or something that's just meant for the elite. In the past, if you cannot feed your kids, your kids were taken away from you. That's clo.

[Bald Brian]

Nature.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Grim Reaper, right? I mean, it pretty much goes feed, clothing, shelter, feed, shelter, clothing. You know, it's something. But its feed is really pretty much at the top of the list. Now. We'd love to educate our kids. We'd love it if they learn to play the piano and their times tables. But it all takes a distant, distant second to feeding them. But we've decided that's an exotic and expensive affair now meant for only the riches of the red.

[Bald Brian]

It's a luxury.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a luxury item. Breakfast. And so LA Unified just decided to feed everybody and serve breakfast to everyone. And then you get in this thing where you go, I'm not for this, and they go, oh, so you want kids to go hungry? No, I want their parents to feed them. People, can we understand the psychological dynamic of the parent looking at the kid and saying, I cannot and will not feed you. That will be somebody. Some stranger is going to be in charge of your most important meal of the fucking day. Which I disagree with. I like dinner myself. But the point is somebody else, namely the state, will take care of you first off.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, are schools just turning into daycare centers?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, parents aren't parenting anymore, so what are we gonna do with their offspring? And Then it's like, hey, why should the kids suffer? No, the kids shouldn't suffer. The parents should be brought to task, they should be asked to feed their fucking kids.

[Bald Brian]

I just had a flashback to middle school where I don't know if it was the same for you guys, but the cool kids stood in line for hot lunch like they had the money to pay for pizza or whatever it was. Yeah, I wonder if there's like a stigma now where it's gone the other direction where all the poor kids sad

[Adam Carolla]

sacks had the sack.

[Bald Brian]

I just remember like it was a cool thing. I had packed lunches.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, anyway, the controversy is not whether to spend the $6.1 million we spend as a broke city to feed the kids and indoctrinate them into a system. What message are you sending to a young seven year old, a young six year old, a nine year old, come to the system, be indoctrinated into the system, have the worst fucking message. Second probably only to the lottery that you can send to the children of our society, which is you and your parents are not capable or don't care to take care of you. The system will take care of you and your parents, quite honestly, they just don't want to burn the calories. And don't give me that fucking white privilege bullshit or any of this. Oh well, easy for you. Blah, blah, blah, bull fucking shit. Anybody? I'm looking, I got some prices up there. You can buy a sack of beans for 18 bucks 25 pounds. You can buy a 25 pound sack and when I say sack, you can barely carry this. It's a fucking pillowcase filled with beans and rice for almost nothing.

[Bald Brian]

That's pre cooked way but beans plump up.

[Adam Carolla]

Just fucking add some tap water, throw in a fucking bouillon cube and cut up an onion and you're done. Eat breakfast, whatever you're eating. Listen, I'd rather fucking have it than oatmeal. But the point is you can buy oatmeal. You can buy a 20 pound sack of oatmeal, it's 181 servings for $32.18 a serving. So it's going to cost you 18 cents for the oatmeal. And then you can buy a gallon of milk for $2.99 and you can splash 2 or 3 ounces on the top and then a little brown sugar. You get 25 pounds of brown sugar for 14 bucks. Or honey, I don't know how many times. Ah, walnut, three pounds for 20 bucks. All right, so let's just say 25 cents. You can have a nutritious breakfast for 25 cents.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, huge supply for less than $100.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well you get a hun, you get less than or less than 20 cents a serving for the fucking oatmeal and then I'll throw in another 7 cents worth of walnuts and sugar and you're done. You've now fed your kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I have to believe it's not the cost, it's just that there's not a willingness to feed their kids, I guess. Of course it's the time.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't, it's such fucking. We're not asking, we're not. And don't give me this fucking people work jobs. You don't understand. There's people have two, three jobs. Who gives a fuck one of you in this family? Maybe it's grandma, maybe it's sister. Somebody start taking care of the fucking family. Well, the first problem is the family's been destroyed. There's no judging that. There's no judging the fact that the unit is destroyed and now mama's got to work three jobs and she's working graveyard and she's not there. Well, first off, don't shit out the kids if you cannot afford the kids. And secondly, the message is get your shit together, become self reliant and let's not get the fucking kids indoctrinated into this horrible system. And whatever they're serving at school is junk. By the way, this notion of every child, these fucking blowhards who just pontificate of I believe every child deserves a hot meal. Shut the fuck up. They can eat an apple and a piece of cheese. You don't need a hot meal. Number one in your hot meal's dripping with saturated fats. I mean, you're giving them fucking fish sticks and goo pre frozen.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, and then in the same breath they talk about the obesity problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, when I was a kid, you could eat breakfast or not eat breakfast. And then we'd go ride our fucking bikes around for seven hours and drink off a hose and come home starving with no money in our pockets. We didn't eat lunch. You don't have to. You don't have to. It's good, it's good. You can make it. You'll figure it out. You can buy again. You can buy a 30 pound sack of oats for almost nothing and feed your kid in perpetuity. All right, but we got to spend $6 million and again send the world's worst message to kids that are Already sort of in the system. Guess what? You're now in and you're a lifer. Let's listen to the story here on abc. Out here in Los Angeles, LAUSC schools will continue to get breakfast in the classroom. School board voting on the controversial program just a short time ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Eyewitness News reporter Sid Garcia eating it in the classroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, everyone is not happy about this decision. Sid. Ellen, let's first talk about the fact that nobody wants to take away breakfast from the children. I do all agree that it's the most important meal of the day and they want the kids to start their school day. I want the parents to fucking feed them at home, you asshole. This federally funded program that, as the board pointed out, has its problems. The vote to continue the breakfast in the classroom. We're doomed. The board, however, points out that the program has its problems. Criticisms of the program include the quality of the food.

[Joe Coy]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Another criticism that the cleanup takes away from much needed instructional time. They're eating at class. The program which serves some 200,000 children. Every program that I have ever seen LAUSD. You can turn it down for a second. You can let it run. Just turn it down. I'll tell you when to fucking pot it up. It's so fucking sad. It's like we become a third world. It's. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy. What is the plan? Give away more shit? How's it working?

[Bald Brian]

The sad cherry on top of this Sunday is what we can't say. We'll describe it. And behind all the board members is pictures. Giant pictures of kids in. In cap and gown.

[Adam Carolla]

And Dr. Richard Vladovich over here is about 80 pounds overweight. Now it's time for morbidly obese mamas to come and speak about. All right, let's stop it there. All right, first off, everyone. First everyone in this is. Run it. Everyone here is fat.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The board members are fat. Mama's fat. Everyone's fat. So somebody's eating

[Allison Rosen]

my son Benjamin.

[Adam Carolla]

He is so happy to go to school. That's a Stella Texada little task. He has to distribute breakfast to his classmates. She's been taking the lion's share of

[Allison Rosen]

that fucking chorizo has given him to become more responsible.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's energetic. He's ready to stop it. We don't need to have fucking meetings about feeding kids. You feed your fucking kids so your kids can learn. Momma's taking care of business. Maybe I should take care of business. Maybe I should work hard. Maybe I should eat at home with mama. Instead of eat at my desk.

[Bald Brian]

Also, her reasoning, while probably true, was a little weak. Like, he loves his responsibility of passing out food. It's like you can collect homework or. You know what I mean? Like, the responsibility aspect is far down the list of defensible.

[Adam Carolla]

We've lost it. We're done. We're just fucking done. It's over.

[Allison Rosen]

But who organizes the mothers to come in and speak at this meeting? That's what I'm wondering.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but. Bitch, don't you have a gig? What's going on? Like, what are you doing? Who has this. Like this. This whole time we're like, hey, man, we're going down to the Santa Monica courthouse and we're gonna give my. What time? It's noon on Tuesday. No, I work. I have things to do. You should have things to do. I. Evidently you've set time aside to discuss with the la. The board about your kids breakfast. Why don't you set aside some fucking time to feed your kid? How about that as a novel idea?

[Allison Rosen]

Are we all in agreement though, that this whole breakfast being the most important meal of the day thing is overdone and possibly bullshit?

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You eat breakfast every morning, Brian.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I think it is actually the most important meal of the day. But this is.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, who gives a fuck? You don't need to eat for four days. You'll be fine. Drink water. I don't give a fuck. You'll eat. When you're hungry, you'll eat. Mama will find. Look, here's my question. Cut off all the school breakfast. See who? See who doesn't eat. See what happens? You know what happens when you cut off school breakfast? Somebody eats at home.

[Allison Rosen]

Riot.

[Adam Carolla]

They're too weak to riot right now. They're too fat to riot.

[Bald Brian]

Worst riot ever. A rock goes halfway across the room.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I swear to God damn. I have Olga, who works my nanny. She's a fucking saint. She's got a fucking motor. She's got a motor in her. She's, I don't know, not overly educated. She's not overly anything. She just believes you work. She has a daughter. She had the whole single mom thing and the whole guy skipped out and the whole whatever. And one day when I establish eye contact with her for the first time,

[Allison Rosen]

we'll discuss five years into her tenure with you.

[Adam Carolla]

For now, all I know is she struggled and she's got a daughter and everyone said, get her on the program. And she said, I want to make my daughter breakfast. That's important to me. As a mother, it's important to feel like I'm providing this for my daughter. And since we've learned from the math here, at under 25 cents a pop, it's essentially free. You could essentially panhandle breakfast in less than eight minutes in front of any fucking store in America. Well, then there's no real excuse not to make kids breakfast. There you go. But now the discussion is not whether they should eat the free breakfast. There's 200,000 of them. Six million fucking dollars that's going into that. But should they be able to eat at their desk? And then where do we go from here? Just keep going. And how's it working out, everybody? And all you fucking assholes on the left that do this thing all the time about. These are disenfranchised people. Who's drawing them into the fucking system? You have this beautiful system. It's lined with velvet. Come on in. Come on in. Disenfranchise. Come on in. Get your free shit disenfranchised. Come on in. Right now you're stuck. You're in the system. You become part of the fucking machine.

[Bald Brian]

Olga has a great quality, it sounds like, when used right, which is pride. Like too much pride is a bad thing. But she has the right amount of like, I'm gonna feed my. I'm not gonna rely on. Blah, blah, blah. Feed the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I will feed this child. And she's obviously not a wealthy person. She's just a hard working person.

[Allison Rosen]

How did you meet her?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

Strip club. Yeah, I was like, 20 bucks for a lamp dance. Well, $4 with Olga. Okay, give it a try. I don't know. It's a good question. Picked her up at the Home Depot.

[Bald Brian]

Who rescued who?

[Adam Carolla]

Highly recommended. All righty. What do you want to do? More stuff to complain about here. This dog is in. Blah, blah, blah is here.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's bring Greg in quickly.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on one second, one second. Quickly. Speaking of horrific, horrific food, Matt the Porcelain Punisher Fondolier, he went to Dodger Stadium and Mother's Day. Oh, yeah. Did you see my mom there, Jumbo,

[Bald Brian]

on the kiss cam?

[Adam Carolla]

You think my mom's ever been to a sporting event? No, no, that includes my high school football as well. You went there and you're. Now I'm the person who says the Dodger dog is easily the worst fucking hot dog in America. And I'm just talking about stadium dog. I mean anywhere. Anywhere. It's fleshy, meaty. It's no. There's no casing on it. It's Fucking horrific. But yes. And if that dog was served in Chicago, they would set the fucking stadium on fire. And as well they should.

[Bald Brian]

It's 100% nostalgia, 0% taste.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a horrible, horrible food. But go ahead.

[Joe Coy]

Somehow they made it worse. I was there for Mother's Day, which, by the way, my dad has it worked out that we go to the Dodger game, which he wants to do on Mother's Day.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Joe Coy]

Which I gotta commend him for that.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Joe Coy]

But the guys in front of me, there was a couple, a guy and

[Adam Carolla]

a girl in the concession line.

[Joe Coy]

No, this was actually sitting in our seats.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Oh yeah. I got a couple of pictures of

[Joe Coy]

the guys in the row ahead of us. The woman had a Dodger dog with macaroni and cheese and Fritos on top of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Boom.

[Joe Coy]

The guy had a dog with buffalo sauce, coleslaw and blue cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just like everyone's. It's like everyone's high, right?

[Joe Coy]

There is actually a loaded Dodger dog stand now that you can go to. And actually I also took a picture of the full menu. There are all kinds of ways that

[Adam Carolla]

you can ruin your Dodger dog even more. Served with kimchi. All right, we gotta move.

[Allison Rosen]

Move.

[Adam Carolla]

It's time to move, everybody. This is a fucking disaster. Just here's the thing. A hot dog is its own food. It's a hot dog. Make the best fucking hot dog you can make and then we'll move on. Don't start putting fucking crunch berries on top of the hot dog. And as if we're not fat enough. Jesus goddamn Christ. Alright, so we all agree that Dodge dog is the worst hot dog on the goddamn planet.

[Joe Coy]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

You all right? Let's take a little love here and then we'll bring in the great Fitz dog. Great Greg Fitzsimmons. Quick break. Back with the great Fitz dog. Next.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Here's what not to watch on TV tonight at 5 on Lifetime. Don't watch Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail. The pistol packing grandmama turns the house upside down down. When she is sent to the slammer over a high speed freeway chase. At 7:30 on AE. Be sure to miss Duck Dynasty. Willie is pressured into buying goats at a petting zoo. Hand at 8 on Hallmark. Definitely don't watch the Brady Bunch. Peter is sacked by his gridiron buddies who learn of his Glee club membership until someone stops by to help him out. Football's Deacon Jones. That's what not to watch on TV tonight. Now back to the Adam Carolla show.

[Adam Carolla]

A couple things. I need to now see Deacon Jones describing his head slap move so Greg Fitzsimmons can enjoy it. Also, somebody, actually, Jimmy Kimmel, sent me an email explaining that Crank Anchors is now in Logo.

[Joe Coy]

I saw that.

[Bald Brian]

I'm a guide.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always funny. It's funny to me, too, because people are like, hey, you know that show you starred in and created? I'm like, yeah, you know it's on Logo.

[Joe Coy]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Do I get paid? I don't know. It's a great business, isn't it?

[Allison Rosen]

I just love.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did they buy it only on the title because they could not have watched it.

[Adam Carolla]

They actually thought it was one guy grabbing another guy's crank. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I have no fucking idea.

[Bald Brian]

This is uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

This is. This is the great Deacon Jones explaining. You're gonna love this, Fitz Dogs. The greatest piece of. The greatest piece of NFL archival film ever. His ahead head slap move. Atkins threat of breaking arms was the

[Pluto TV Announcer]

reality of the Deacon Jones head slap.

[Adam Carolla]

The head slap was to do two purposes. One was to give myself an initial head start on the fast rush. In other words, an extra step. Because anytime you go upside a man's head or a woman, they may have a tendency to blink the eyes or close the eyes. And that was all I needed. It's all he needed.

[Bald Brian]

It's funny because it's true.

[Adam Carolla]

That bitch blinks her eyes for just a tenth of a second, he's out the door. You get it? Like, let's say you didn't pay the whore and she's blocking. She's not letting you out of the motel room. One just. It's one motion, just right upside. There's a little ringing in her left ear. Just a quick move. It's a swim move. Next, you know, you're in the parking lot, you're in that El Dorado, and you're cruising down the highway with no worries.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's next Sunday? All you're thinking about is next Sunday at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Go upside a man or a woman's head or woman, they blink their eyes and that's all they need. Now, the greatest thing about that clip is no one was asking about domestic disputes or anything. They're asking him about the NFL and a move that he uses in the NFL. And since in the entire history of the NFL there's never been a weak side offensive tackle that's been a woman, it was not really germane to this argument.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Life spills over into football for Deacon. The same moves apply in both. You know, you get in there, you know, you, you fuck her, you slap her and then you take the rubber off and you spike it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. I love it. It's like they talk about this, they're like Michael Jordan. If you were playing backgammon with him, he would be incredibly competitive. He doesn't shut it off, he never turns it off. And Deacon, same way with the head slap.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Have you? My dad was big on the head slap.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Oh really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, big on the head slap, back of the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Like what are he stupid?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no, we're not Italian. No, that's, you know exactly when that coming and where it's hitting you. It's like in Saturday Night Fever where he's like, da, haa. Don't mess up. No, with us it was more like it could be right out of the gate. Dad, wait till your father gets home. And then it's straight at you, head slap.

[Adam Carolla]

Or now it's side of the head

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

slap, side of the head. But always catching the ear cuffed hand if possible for it ringing. Or it would be the lecture, the stern lecture. Go to your room. He doesn't move. You gotta walk past him to get out the door. You're almost free.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost free.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Deacon Jones, side of the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There was zero. My family didn't raise their voice, didn't raise their hands, they didn't raise a glass, they didn't raise a fork, they didn't raise a wallet, they didn't do anything. They were just there until you left. That was it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ever raised a barn?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. It was essentially a waiting room. My house was like, why the relationship with my parents that you have at a dentist's office when you're waiting with the person that's sitting on the sofa across from you, once in a while you look at them, they look at you and then it's right back into the life magazine that's 21 years old. Just sort of sitting there and there's

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

a sense of dread about what's going to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a little uncomfortable. Look, there's an aquarium. Let's see if we can look at that for a while. And then eventually someone's going to call your name, you're going to get up and walk out and then you'll never really see that person again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how we did it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's no goodbyes when you go in to get your teeth done.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's just, it's understood that there'll Be someone else in there at some point the next time you're there. Yeah, that's how we did it. Nothing personal, but no head slaps.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the head slaps were from mom also. There was a lot of uncles. Uncles would head slap us, right? I mean me and my cousins, we would be slapped randomly by different fathers. It was like.

[Allison Rosen]

Was that because they were upset about something or just. Just something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah. No, we fucked up. But it was a mutual fund of abuse. It didn't have to be a parent.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh no. Oh, I've said many times, I was hit by Roberta Messicks and grandpa Al Lewis from the Munsters. I was hit by two adults. Never my own family. I'm the only one who's probably been hitting hit by other adults outside of the family more than anyone in the family because the family is pretty much a goose egg. My dad hit me once, but that's only because he gave me the choice between getting spanked and going to the bedroom. And I was like, listen, noodle arms, do your best. Bring it, bring it. I don't want to sit in that fucking pit any longer than I have to. Understand is that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That sounds so calm and rational to give you an option. How do you then ramp up to physical violence from that point?

[Adam Carolla]

I think my dad at that point really wanted to lay his hands on me. I was probably being that out of control. But he knew that that wasn't who he was and that wasn't. You can see the hulking presence of the man as he stands in front of the $15,000 a frame and North Holland was watering the lawn.

[Bald Brian]

The tiny house makes them look huge.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true. My dad's 140 pounds and the loft upstairs is where I fucking slept. And it was horrifically, brutally hot all summer. No, there's no. You don't see any wall mounted units or anything in there? No, just heat.

[Bald Brian]

Must be a snoop.

[Adam Carolla]

Cool Hand Luke, sweat box sweltering George Kennedy standing over me with a nightstick. Kind of fucking heat up in that. Not literally not a unit in the window downstairs. Just these were modern times where we're living in, you understand? That's my dad's house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then he's got the awnings. Those are aluminum awnings, so you can't raise those up. So any breeze that might have accidentally slipped through the window, that's gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the upstairs window didn't open, so it was just going for what?

[Allison Rosen]

Safety case.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a fire. You know, we don't need a kid Blabbing about someone falling asleep with a cigar. So up those stairs, into that attic during the summertime. That was on Oxnard Boulevard. That was on Oxnard and Laurel Canyon. It'd just be a fucking hundred and eighteen degrees up there with no fucking fan and no nothing. It was fucking brutal. That's why I hate the heat now. But no, Pops wanted to put his hands on me, but I don't think he knew. It wasn't an evolved way, but he knew that. The way I was wired is, I'll take my whatever you can dish out and I'll suck it up for 25, 30 seconds, whatever it takes, versus four hours sitting in this fucking hot box. So I said, bring it. You know? And he brought it because he had to bring it, because I told him to bring it. It couldn't go soft. Then was it just.

[Allison Rosen]

Was it one smack or did he try to clean up?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was spank. You know, it was like, you know, maybe it was, you know, 10 good, you know, lashes from the open palm, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you gotta be careful with those. As the recipient, I can tell you if you don't give them something on the first couple slaps, they're gonna go harder. So you don't want to be a pussy and cry about it, but you gotta give them the satisfaction that they don't need to increase the torque.

[Adam Carolla]

But now you have advice for kids

[Allison Rosen]

who are being abused, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You have anger management issues now, Gray. Do you think it's because of all this physical abuse?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You do. Okay. There's a good correlation there. And it's pretty commonly known. Here's something interesting and controversial. The, like, smacking, smacking, smacking of the kids means the kids tend to be. At least the smacking of other people doesn't seem so out of place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's almost affectionate. I mean, here's the thing is, if somebody. If somebody bigger than you, that much bigger than you. I mean, if you're a kid. How old were you when your dad did this to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I was probably nine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. So he's double your size. And he is literally your life. Well, everything that makes you exist comes from him and your mom, sadly.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then they're hurting you on purpose.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That makes you really fucked up, I've always thought.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's a weird. It's a weird thing that we have a. You know, like, there's a lot of folks on the right that are like, see these new kids with their participation trophies? And you can't spank your kid anymore, and they're all turning into pussies and all that kind of shit. That's ridiculous. But then there's this other part where it's like, every black comedian is like, ooh, mama, get a switch out. Ooh, yeah. And they just laughing about. I mean, their mom, like, the whole Madea thing is just about it. She's beating the shit out of you. She's putting her foot in your ass, like. And you see, like, the black comedians, it's like everyone's laughing, but it's like, oh, my mama get a belt and she get a ping pong. She had a ping pong battle.

[Bald Brian]

Medea carries a gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Madea carries a gun. And I'm thinking it sounds funny and all, but, hey, black community, reel it in just a little bit in the beating around of the kids, because that would probably help for what might go on on the school bus, let's say

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

a few short years when you. I don't know if you experience this at all, but, like, when. And when I see kids in preschool that are acting like assholes and they. Do you see kids in kindergarten that are punching other kids, I would see parents get mad at those kids. Like, those kids are a problem. No, their parents are doing this to them. To me, it's like the biggest red flag if any kid is hitting another kid before second grade. Go to the house and find out what the fuck's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So considering that the sort of violence that is perpetrated on the kids in the home, and Dr. Drew says it pretty clearly, he's very against that. And he says, you know, the only time it's appropriate is when the kid puts himself in danger. Which always made sense to me, which is, you know, you tell a kid, don't go running out into the street, and the kid goes running out in the street. Obviously, the kid could be killed running out in the street. That's the only time it's appropriate to swat the kid. And no running out in the street.

[Allison Rosen]

Does he think it's still better not to, though? But that's when it's sort of understandable.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he does. He doesn't really like it under any circumstance. And it's also a weird message because your boss doesn't hit you when you're late with your paperwork. You get fired. You know what I mean? Or you get disciplined or you get docked or you get a bad grade or whatever it is. But. But this whole physical punishment, there's a threat of physicality thing doesn't really exist in the adult world, so why send this message? And then I'd like to take a look at the folks that were in prison for violent crimes and figure out what percentage of them did they, ooh, mama got a switch thing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no, they've done studies on that. Yeah, I'm sure they have. 100%.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so can it be discussed, Are we gonna do a lot of click it or ticket? I mean, do you know what I mean? Are we going to have a discussion about parents physically assaulting their kids? And I'm not talking about a light spank, but I'm talking about daddy or mama get the switch, beat the shit out of them with the car antenna kind of thing, and then the violence is perpetrated by those kids as adults. When are we going to have that discussion? Why aren't we having that discussion?

[Allison Rosen]

You're talking about in the black community, specifically.

[Adam Carolla]

Any community. Any community.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're a country that has broken down the sense of community. In other countries, if your child behaves that way straight up through their young adulthood, the family is to blame. They are shamed. They're called into question. There is a discipline taken out on the unit, not just the individual, and we've lost that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, I think since we can all agree that violent crime is sort of the worst we have to offer as a society, I mean, in terms of somebody stealing your identity and cleaning out your ATM is not a good day, but pales in comparison to being physically assaulted, I think. So if sort of violent crime is what we're all going through life attempting to avoid. And as a society, you can kind of judge the societies by how much violent crime is perpetrated. Shouldn't it just be something where we go, look, let's focus on the people, whether you're 13 or 33, that are willing to physically assault other human beings and those who just. It's not in their lexicon. I mean, we all know the people who just, you know, Jews, they don't beat the shit out of themselves at home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but they will sue a kid if he really.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you kidding? You'll wish that kid wishes he got to pick out a switch by the time he's done being cross examined.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, forget it. Yeah, they will actually make you get out there and do work with your hands, which is so hard for a Jewish child.

[Adam Carolla]

It's abuse.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's torture.

[Adam Carolla]

My point is, let's have a dialogue about not beating up on your kids. Whatever your color.

[Allison Rosen]

Luca by Suzanne Vega.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that song, and that's a very good point. That's right. She lived on the second floor, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I think you've seen before.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think Natalie Merchant had about a dozen of those songs also.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what it is none better than Hell is for Children, by the way. Fuck, Luca, you find me some Hell is for Children. And by the way, when the ace man gets a couple of bong loads in him and a couple of light beers in him and pulls his baby out during, like, one of the man show rap parties, there's not a dry fucking eye or vagina in the fucking house. Because it starts off, you know, there's a point when it, you know, I don't ruin it, but it starts off and you gotta listen to the words, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because Pat was way ahead of the curve with this. I mean, Luca. Yeah, fine. What? 87, 88. Somewhere in there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, this. We're going back to 78, 8, 79 with this.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe 80.

[Bald Brian]

This is a testament to her star power that she could get this song charted.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Right. That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then the music video.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't see their tears because they cry in the dark fairy.

[Allison Rosen]

My name is Luca. She's in Vegas. So unoriginal.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Now here's. Hold on. This is. This is all foreplay when I'm setting up that crowd. Here's the moving part. Here's where the fist pop starts. Because hell. Hell is for children.

[Bald Brian]

Have you heard this, Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but I never paid attention to the lyrics before.

[Adam Carolla]

Wake up, woman. Become such a mess. Because hell. Oh, oh. Oh, boy. We're not stopping by locker.

[Allison Rosen]

God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hell is for children.

[Allison Rosen]

Through a great song.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? This gets heavy here. When they talk about how, grandma, you fell off the spot.

[Bald Brian]

Lie for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Lie for me.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, so good.

[Adam Carolla]

Lie for me. Luca, you can suck pants. This was a hit. Yeah, it was. And I kept a alive. This is my karaoke number, man.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Brutal abusing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Best part is, in the bar. You can tell who was beat by the end of the song. Who's in a pool of tears.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Here it comes. That could be a sexual fancy.

[Allison Rosen]

That was a sexual fancy. I'm getting chills in, like, an uncomfortable way.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait till it kicks in. I whisper this part. I say mess. You know, I say. I whisper. But that's my own flavor. That's what I bring to it. Uhhuh. And at a certain point, that's where I start throwing. Throwing the karate kicks and the punches in the air. Here's about now,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Walk us through what's going on with the wire on the microphone. Are you gathering it? Are you throwing it down?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gathering it. I'm giving a nice spool of it like I'm on a tuna boat, you know, a crab boat. We're throwing it when a lobster cage is out, you know? And right now it's a lot of punches, a lot of front ball kicks. Some sidekicks and some spinning heel kicks. Spinning heel kicks?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Crescent kicks. And now it's a fist pump. And now I'm on a crouch at this point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's it. Any eye contact with the crowd?

[Adam Carolla]

No. You're personal. I'm in my own world. I'm in my own world. Hell is for hell. As I'm screaming at her, you're grandma out there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can't tell grandma.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all perps. They're all perps. There's one victim, and that's me. And now here's where I'm in my own world now.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going Iggy Pop on the entire crowd at this point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shirts off.

[Adam Carolla]

Shirts off. Cutting myself. That's right. What karaoke bar deserves this? This ain't a bowling alley. This isn't even a karaoke bar. We were at a bowling alley. I've never sweat.

[Allison Rosen]

You should start doing this in your standup.

[Adam Carolla]

I've sweated through my shirt, and now there's ass sweat on my chest. Like I'm sweat. I'm completely drenched at this point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're standing over that alley thing. That blows the air to dry you off.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm running in place and throwing karate kicks and punches at the same time. And then in the end. Well, I can't even. I can't even imagine. Now I'm doing. I'm playing the guitar, but it's the chord for the microphone.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And now here I go into it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No sense of preserving your voice.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes he doesn't even remember what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

No second show after this. Yeah. Talking about a song that kicks in.

[Bald Brian]

Powerful message.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the high heel boots, those stay on throughout the performance.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't. Sometimes one will get loose if I'm throwing enough.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's with the front ball kick.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And here's where it really came. Ah, that is. That's done.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you gotta be pouring with sweat because the leather jacket with the studs on it and the zipper going diagonally across the chest, that's gotta warm you

[Adam Carolla]

like Mike Michael or Andrew Dice Clay. And by the way, good luck to the Couples gonna do summer lovin'. After that, people are heading out for a fucking smoke. Everyone's heading out for a smoke. People who don't smoke are heading out for a smoke.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Smoke.

[Adam Carolla]

After that. That's done. It's over. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Nobody, nobody stopped her when she wrote Hell is for Hell, you think someone

[Adam Carolla]

would have stopped her at that point? I would have intervened at that point.

[Bald Brian]

It's a testament to her star power.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta figure out now. That was 79, I think. Figure out where it got to on the charts. See if that got to a top 10.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Saw her live twice, once at Pier 86 in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she do Hell is for Children?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course she did. And she shouted out to. She said the whole front section, I think, is from my hometown. I think she was from Long Island. And there was just this. I just remember being in the back, thinking how fucking cool her high school friends. Like, that's gonna be me someday.

[Adam Carolla]

A woman had chops, I'll tell you. You know Elsa, who has chops? Big commerce, baby. You can sell whatever you need online, and you got to make money these days. And if you want to make money, you got a product, you got to push it online. And whether you're brick and mortar, whether you're just starting up whatever Your business is, BigCommerce, they have everything you need to get your online store up and running quickly. No technical expertise necessary whatsoever. They take care of all your needs. Even Dawson did it. Dawson's online.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

That's right. I. I'm building my online store now for the World Championship of Guacamole, which

[Adam Carolla]

we hold at AVO Fest every year.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

But then I thought, when I first heard you. When I first heard you talking about this, and you and I, we had a conversation on air, and I was wearing a world Championship of guacamole hoodie. And the guys at VPN told me that 20 people in a chat room wanted to buy that hoodie right now. And I went, big commerce. Yeah, I can sell this shit, you

[Adam Carolla]

know, you don't want them to take to the streets and burn down the city.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

I know, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

I get him out there. Shirt with an avocado that's been backed over.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

So they're helping me with a website. They're actually taking my own domain. It will be the website. And we're building an online store. And the guys at BigCommerce rule.

[Adam Carolla]

They already power 35,000 online stores, and now it's 35,001. So they have the expertise, and you can try them out for Free. That's right. A 30 day free trial plus two hours of personal E commerce coaching. Free. When you subscribe, just go to bigcommerce.com, click on the blue headphones at the top left of the homepage and select my name Adam on the drop down menu. That's bigcommerce.com. all right, shall we do a little news?

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do a little. Oh, we got blah, blah, blah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's. I do, I do love a game.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do a little blah blah, blah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was.

[Allison Rosen]

For some reason I was obsessed with songs like that and very special episodes of shows that had abused or molested kids because there was a whole. I don't know that they do that that much anymore. But I mean, were you abused? No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you were. Because that's a huge red flag is when you are drawn to articles and stories about abuse.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me rephrase. Emotionally. Yes. Not physically though.

[Adam Carolla]

She wasn't told she was a Jew for many years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, please. Oh, shit.

[Allison Rosen]

That was a treat though, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, yeah, she was not. She was not. Because. But her parents didn't tell her she was Jewish because she didn't want her, you know, stand out, ridiculed, made fun of by the other kids. Kids can be cruel.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right, right. So hearing that I was just a liar because obviously I'm Jewish my whole life made me feel good. That was, that was the flaw in their plan is that they didn't go far enough to like actually de juify us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like perhaps changing the name would have been a start. And then witness protection. But anyway, no, teach you a sport. That is true, but that's not what I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

But anyway, sort of a slow drip kind of thing. But it wasn't Pat Benatar. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Kids, you know, as I think back on it, whatever you were, we would. We. I knew. I didn't exactly know what a Jew was in junior high, but there was one kid named Lloyd Goldfarb who literally like carried a briefcase and looked like a fucking. I mean this guy looked like a 34 year old podiatrist when he was 11, you know, and we used to call him Lloyd Goldfarb already, you know, like, it was like. It was just all we could come up with. But he was so Jewy that we would just. But we didn't mean anything about it. George Espinosa was George Espinoche, which was just. He was a Mexican guy. We made fucking fun of him. I was like, beans jokes, you know, if you're Mexican, it's like, where's your beans? You know? And then he'd make whatever and it was just like, that's what everyone did.

[Joe Coy]

It didn't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No one seemed to make anything out of it. When we were in seventh grade, Roots came out and they made us watch it. It was like a five part series. And we'd go into the auditorium every day and watch.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My school had a lot of black kids and we started to like, the white kids would say stuff like kunta.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then they would. Some would laugh, some would get really heated. And then there needed to be another gathering at the auditorium to discuss the white kids, you know, pretending to whip the black kids. And you're so young. We didn't really. We were totally kidding. It was so tense to watch this horrible fucking series every day. Like we were friends with the black guys and we'd known him since we were kindergartners, so it just seemed silly. And then there were fights and we realized, oh, yeah, this is really fucked up, what we were doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think they should have showed you that? Was that a good thing, a healing thing? No, I agree. I. I watch Roots at home with my mom, who's whiter than Tom Petty, and she just, every five minutes she'd just look at us and go, do you see what we do? Do you see who we are? Yeah, yeah. By the way, it'd be nice if you own something. You don't own a fucking sofa, bitch. Forget about a human being. Like, it's not like, oh, the Corollas, we fucking, we roll deep in slaves, we fucking do anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So, you know, I'd be nice if you could own something. But no, you don't own people, you don't own property. You own a fucking VW Square back on retreads out there in the driveway with a fucking cat sleeping on the hood.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it wasn't an ethics thing. You guys were game. You just didn't have the cat.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to think so. My mom would just. My mom was a Chicano studies major at the junior college for 15 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She hated great sense of humor.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable. If she could afford huge amber beads, she would have bought them because that's how you know there's a great sense of humor coming your way. 50 something year old chick with the huge amber beads also dressed and I don't know who these people are. Look, I don't want to dig into the Blacks here. But hold on for one second. You know that the black chicks that dress in, like, the African garbage.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They're professors from Cleveland. And it's like, what's with the fucking head thing and the thing and the beads and the thing, and no one's ever gonna go, hey, Wanda, knock it off. What's with the shit? You know? But, I mean, it is a weird. You know, I understand the German guy, you know, at Oktoberfest wearing the lederhosen, you know, once a year face, but turning it into a fucking lifestyle, it's just weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe in February. All of February.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Right, Right. During the history month.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, Adam, black people have tweeted me to say they do sneeze.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I just don't feel like I see enough black people sneezing of Adam's

[Allison Rosen]

theory that black people don't sneeze disproportionately.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't sneeze.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel like I have a black

[Allison Rosen]

fan who even has hay fever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel like I was just shown. The curtain was just pulled back and I went, wow. Never thought of that. And yet never seen it now that you say it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's weird. I don't feel like I. You know, I don't watch a ton of black people. I mean, I'll watch an episode of Cops now and then every once in a while, get caught up. But I just. I have. I know black people.

[Bald Brian]

I'm glad to be part of the lost episode of the Uncle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I take back the part about whipping the black kids in seventh grade?

[Joe Coy]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all in there. No, I will. I have been exposed to many black people in my life, and I feel like the wider you are, the more you sneeze.

[Allison Rosen]

I am convinced that really pale people with blue eyes, the minute they step in, like, white hair, they step into the sun, non stop sneezing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I've seen enough. Like, I've just saw the whole Bill Gates, he's gonna cure malaria kind of thing. They go to the horrible Sudan and blah, blah, blah. I see tons of insanely sick African people. None of them sneeze. I'm not saying they should. I'm just saying it's not. Look, I haven't. There's certain things in life I've said a million times, listen, they're doing anything but sneezing and everything. But sneezing. Here's what I'm saying. I've seen. I've said this. Look, I got nothing against squirrels, okay? But I have seen 200 million squirrels in my life, I've never seen one take a shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen eight rabbits in my life, all of them shitting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I never. Every time I look at a rabbit,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

they'll head shake you. The squirrels, they do the little thing with their tail like, he's taking a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

He's taking a shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't see him shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you even know what squirrel shit looks like?

[Adam Carolla]

It could be on my hood. And maybe I'm blaming birds. I've never. No one's ever made the proclamation, oh, fuck. Fucking brand new pair of fucking Keds. Ruin squirrel shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Clean up after squirrels.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I get for buying new shoes. Step my fucking squirrel shit. There's squirrels everywhere. They're above your head. They're running around the trees, run around the telephone poles. They're everywhere. Just never had any issue with squirrel shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

So now I'm not doing something against squirrels. No. I like the fact that I've not had to deal with this shit. Black people just don't feel like I've seen them sneeze enough, that's all. Not telling them that there's anything wrong with them is quite the contrary. I mean, we're healthier than we are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, I think you've seen Allegra commercial, Claritin often. White actors, you don't. I don't think that that's because they are choosing them. They can't in a good casting session, find an African American who can do the audition.

[Adam Carolla]

They can't even fake sneeze.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They can't even fake sneeze.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're like, achoo. Nah, I'm sorry. I need, like, some serious head, you know? Like, really, really do it. Really sneeze it up for us. Achoo. Okay, sorry. We gotta give it to Whitey. Whitey can do a fake sneeze.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

That's all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Whitey can. I also think there's something about, like, ooh, interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't even.

[Adam Carolla]

No, hold on. It's not a Jew thing. I know it's a fake. Fake calling into work.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's an interesting thing. Whitey probably tries to get out of work more often. I mean, Whitey has jobs where you can call in and go, sorry, boss, but really, I'm not feeling it. And then you go, all right, Say, oh, man, he's still gonna get paid. I feel like the brothers need to come in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The brothers need to come in because

[Adam Carolla]

they cultivated the fake sneeze.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The job's getting done. And your crew is working harder because you didn't show up. You're getting shit from them. It's not from the boss.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, listen, there's not a racial thing going on. But I get tweeted too.

[Bald Brian]

There's definitely not.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not an issue. I'm colorblind. People know that. I've been tweeted that black people sneeze as well. Okay, So I gotta hang out with these people.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you just need to sneeze.

[Adam Carolla]

But, Greg, you do understand what I'm talking about. I just don't feel like I've seen enough people of color sneezing. I don't see a lot of Mexicans sneezing either.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't see Mexicans sneezing? Oh, I see them all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, God. Yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

you wish you had a nickel for him. And the show has reached a new low.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's just. We're just turning it around now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then black people, I need you to pick up the sneezing. That's all. Seasonal allergies, whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, they have those vines, those little six second things. I would like every one of your black.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would like your two black listeners to get a vine going of them sneezing and send it into the show and we'll play the Vine.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Great idea.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what were we doing? Blah, blah, blah.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, here it is.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

All right.

[Bald Brian]

God damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Let me give a little love to. All right, Blah, blah, blah. Here we go.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

It's time for Blah blah blah, the game where we match the celebrity with their online rant.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's play. By the way, the great Fitz Dog. Fitz Dog Radio. You can get it on itunes. Gonna be with us at Amalfi. Oh, he's performing after the show at Amalfi.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're gonna piggyback it.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that. And I like the barebacking better. May 30 through the June 1 or just June 1 at the Pittsburgh Improv. All right, let's do a little blah, blah, blah.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Remember Whitewater and the travel office? Non scandals of the 1990s? The Republicans and certain media outlets wasted the nation's time and millions of dollars in pursuit of alleged wrongdoing by first lady Hillary Clinton. It was all sound and fury, signifying nothing. Two decades later, the same script is being revisited about the attack on the American consulate in Benghazi, Libya, which the president and Secretary Clinton clearly labeled a terrorist act. Is it Barbara Streisand? Greg Louganis? Or Al Sharpton.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

First of all, when you read them, it always sounds like it's Charlie Sheen.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy, this is tough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was a slam dunk.

[Adam Carolla]

You going Babs?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

But see, you're always like. I'm always like, why is Craig on there if that's it? Why would they put him in there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The reason why I think it's Babs is that she invokes the Clintons like it's a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't play that card. You don't invoke Whitewater because people don't really think that it was won or lost.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was a bad thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Well, also, this is four dead people, which is a little bit different than Whitewater.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And

[Adam Carolla]

again, it's always stupider. Fucking liar. Yeah. I love the fucking fact that Hillary Clinton said to the guy on the tarmac, said to the dad of one of the Navy SEALs that died, don't worry, we're going to get the guy who did this video. Which is. First off, who gives a fuck who did the video? There's always going to be an asshole doing a video. How about the culture thinks it's a good idea to kill people because of the video. Not that that was the case, but either way, putting out bad videos is not the problem. It's the people that think it's a good idea to kill people who put out bad videos. That's the bigger problem. But that turned out to be a lie. All right, I'm going Babs on this one too.

[Bald Brian]

I gotta go Barbra Streisands.

[Adam Carolla]

Are we all going Babs?

[Allison Rosen]

There's a tiny bit of me that wants to go Al Sharpton. But then now that after Greg made that point, now I'm thinking, babs, Al

[Adam Carolla]

Sharpton needs to get fat again. He's bothering me with that skinny face of his. All right, what do you think?

[Allison Rosen]

I'll go Sharpton because then I want the challenge.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

The blog belongs to Barbra Streisander.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

God, you sound like David Alan Greer.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all up one except for Allison. Alright.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Please let them be. Please allow them to be with their families. Please let them heal. Please let them recover and re enter. Please let them start the long healing process without the media's needs coming first. Please hope that they get the psychological and spiritual help they need. Please don't take their pictures. Please keep your distance and encourage your viewers and readers to keep theirs. Please let them speak only if and when they want to. Please focus on the joy and not the horror. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

[Allison Rosen]

This is literally killing me.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Is it Jamie Lee Curtis, Mia Farrow, or Clay Aiken?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's a slam.

[Joe Coy]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Spring with confidence. We're talking about the girls that were dug up out of the Cleveland there. Yeah, it's got to be, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Doesn't really matter. I think that the person who would write that would have that response to Boston. They would have that to Guantanamo Bay.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a now here's what drives me nuts with the blogs. This is just the I'm a better human being than you blog. This is not me getting anything done blog, right? Look, a recipe on how to barbecue shrimp. Like that's a good blog, you know what I mean? Like, here's what to do. Or I got a funny joke. But this is just me being a lot better than you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is a patent, right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Clay. I consider myself a Claymate. I've seen the Claymates and it may be why he chose to go that direction. That's all I'm saying. You've seen Claymates, you go, eh, cock wouldn't be bad about now.

[Bald Brian]

I'm going Clay Aiken.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going Clay Aiken.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going Mia.

[Adam Carolla]

Does Mia's ever sound off? Does she say, well, no, but she adopted.

[Allison Rosen]

Does she sound off?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mia's fucking nuts. Yeah, it was Mia Farrow, this is.

[Allison Rosen]

And she adopted all those kids.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mia Farrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Listen, Fitz dog is brimming with confidence. I'm going Mia Farrow on this one too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Woody fucks crazy into women. Look at Diane Keaton.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he shoots crazy into him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The little Vietnamese one.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a nut syringe. His cock is a nut syringe. Literally. All right, Brian, what do you got?

[Bald Brian]

I got Clay.

[Adam Carolla]

Clay.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

The blog belongs to Jamie Lee Curtis.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn it. Physically assault.

[Allison Rosen]

Got to be.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish your fucking dad could hit you for that. I wanted to go with her, but she's fucking.

[Allison Rosen]

Mia Farrow was totally a red herring and a smart one. Damn that Lynch. Is that who did this to us?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we all get a goose egg on that. I wanted to go Jamie Lee because I think she's blowhardy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But see, she's gotten way crazier in the last few years. I saw her on Colbert and she was. She was out of control on Colbert. And I should have. I should have reef. Well, you can't go.

[Adam Carolla]

Nevertheless, don't live in the past. But I don't feel like I've ever heard Mia Farrow say anything that's why I was curious about it.

[Bald Brian]

Even in movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Even in movies.

[Joe Coy]

Shouldn't really talk.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where are we? Oh, she's a guest next week.

[Bald Brian]

Okay.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

So what's Allison got? Nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. Proudly.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here we go.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

The Middle east is a very good stage to play upon. Without doubt, it is good drama. And on occasion, there are situations so unimaginable, if not ludicrous, has to make them almost comic. But the cast is constantly changing, the audience is often disengaged, and it seems at times that no one is actually running the show. So how does one find their role? On May 16, I will be joining a panel of experts organized by the One voice movement @92Y in New York City to explore this very point. We will discuss what civil society can do to rekindle and fuel hope, hopes for peace between Palestinians and Israelis.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Palestinians, stop being so fucking anti Semitic. Stop wanting to wipe Jews off the fucking planet, and we'll work this out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait a minute. Was that the continuation of the blog?

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's the truth. Stop it. Please, please, please, please, please, please stop wanting to kill Jews.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Is it Gene Simmons, Jason Alexander, or Harvey Weinstein?

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. This is sad. This is tough. I didn't. I did a speaking thing at the 92y when my book came out, and I didn't know it was a big deal because I don't have any culture. I thought it was a ymca. Yeah, I didn't know it was one of those, you know, James Liptony kind of kind of things. Oh, man, this is tough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is tough.

[Allison Rosen]

It's none of them for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Harvey Weinstein. God, that guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm trying to picture them asking Gene Simmons to do it in the first place, and I'm having a hard time with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's not blowhard enough. I'm gonna go with, who do you guys think? Jason Alexander. Nah, that's where I go with.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going, Harvey Weinstein. But I don't really know anything about him. I just. It's more process of elimination.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what he does is he takes people and makes independent films and he screws them. That's kind of his thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's he based?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

New York.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna say Harvey Weinstein because the way it's spoke, it's so written. It's not. It's written like a bad script.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Harvey. Harvey.

[Bald Brian]

There's a grammatical error, and I think Jason Alexander is the least likely to make a grammatical error.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Went To Boston University, like myself.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. So I'll say Gene Simmons.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

The blog belongs to Jason Alexander.

[Joe Coy]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace man.

[Joe Coy]

Whoa.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Giving my degree back.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right, what do you have now? What do you don't have?

[Allison Rosen]

I have.

[Adam Carolla]

Grammatically, don't have any thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Points, person. I have none.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Fucking college dude, huh?

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a goose?

[Allison Rosen]

Got zero.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fitz Dog's got one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I got two.

[Allison Rosen]

It's anyone's game on this last question.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't know if this is it.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

There's a couple more.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, two more.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

And a tie.

[Adam Carolla]

Bow. Here we go.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

So where have I been? What have I been doing? If the Guinness Book of World Records had a category for the celebrity who's turned down the most reality shows, I know you'd find my picture there. Yep. Right now I could probably be lying on the beach of my very own private island I bought with all the money VH1 offered me to play and hopefully make a fool of myself by wandering around some other island with a motley crew of celebrities, cohabitating, losing weight, or getting sober. No offense to anybody who does these shows. It's just not something I want to do. Is it from the Wonder Years, Josh Saviano. From Facts of Life? Mindy Cohn. Or from who's the Boss? Danny Pintaro.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I gotta go. Mindy Cohn.

[Allison Rosen]

I know I should not have yelled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it's Mindy Cohn because Allison

[Bald Brian]

can't keep it in.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Mike is so fucking diabolical with this shit. But because of your Un Poker esque face, I'm going Mini Khan.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm kicking myself, God damn it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, so is she for not taking that gig on VH1.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

We all go on Mindy Kong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gone. Mindy Cohn.

[Bald Brian]

Hold on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because I haven't heard of the other two. So how could they buy an island?

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

The blog belongs to Mindy Cohn.

[Allison Rosen]

My one chance, and I blew it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's play poker one night, Allison.

[Bald Brian]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Final Blog. All right, Final Blog. I got three. Fitz Dog, I got two. Here we go. Brian, you got two. Brian's got two, too, as well. There we go.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

As a journalist, I've had the opportunity to meet with mothers around the world who are facing tough challenges in war zones and remote areas without access to medical care for themselves and their children. This is unacceptable. Every mother and every child deserve to live a happy and healthy life, no matter where they.

[Adam Carolla]

Lisa Welchel.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Is it Barbara Walters? Star Jones or Ann Curry?

[Allison Rosen]

Star Jones with the Weird thin face too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she got. She, her and Sharpton gotta fucking find themselves a third party person. Yeah, it's tough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm going, Babs.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going, Anne. Although I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, Brian, you got to wait for me. Right? You go, I'm going. Ann Curry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Has she been out of the studio?

[Adam Carolla]

It's blowhardy, so it feels very Star Jonesy. Right, But I'm going. Ann Curry.

[Bald Brian]

I'll say Star.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

You should go with Barbara Walters. Why don't you something other than.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got Babs.

[Adam Carolla]

Got Babs.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

The blog belongs to Ann Curry for the winner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is so rigged.

[Adam Carolla]

I am so important and so powerful. So brilliant. Look at you with your fancy college degrees. Where'd you go to college, Brian? This contest is rigged. You want some fancy?

[Joe Coy]

Go.

[Adam Carolla]

You want USC? Al, you went to Pomona College. Pomona College, which Dr. Drew says is a good college. It's really good, Fitz Dog. You went where? In Boston.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Boston University Distinguished Alumni Award.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Joe Coy]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And I went to clean carpets and Van Nuys. And look at me, champion of blah blah blah. Because you can't teach common sense and instincts.

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

Until next time, keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round

[Adam Carolla]

of blah blah blah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Guys, the band shows on logo. Gather round.

[Adam Carolla]

Crank anchor.

[Joe Coy]

Ew.

[Adam Carolla]

Crank anchor. It's so. You know the other thing that's crazy too is people go. They think all the time. Fitz Dog. And Allison, just cause you're here, you're in show business, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

You understand? But you get a lot of this stuff where you go. Like, you know, people do this thing where they go, I didn't find out I got fired from the cast until I saw it on the evening news. And someone goes, oh, please. Bullshit. You know? Or someone will say to you, if

[Allison Rosen]

anyone knows, you should know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like, when did your series get picked up? And you go, I don't know. They haven't told me. You can tell me. I won't tell anyone. They don't tell. The way I find out that the show that Jimmy and I created is on a network is by somebody tweeting me and Jimmy, they saw it on the network. That's how we find out. That's how you find out you got fired. That's how you find out you got your shows on some network. That's how you find it. They seem to think there's some sort of pipeline where people go a little heads up. But in the next three weeks or so, your show is going, no, no, don't think the guys who created the show would know in advance where the show was going to end up. And then people go, will you get paid for that? And I go, doesn't feel like it. I have no fucking idea. I gotta check into that. Feels like I should get.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you think that you should, should

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

be able to wet your beak a little bit?

[Adam Carolla]

Just a little.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause who sold it to or how did it even get there?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even fucking know. This business is so mobbed up with do nothing producers that just in the fucking agents and then they package shit and then they own shit and it's all a bunch of fucking sleight of hand and it's all just a bunch of hacks that own a bunch of shit that they really shouldn't. I mean you just saw what Harvey Weinstein on there. Imagine him times a kabillion and there's just a bunch of that. And the artist ends up just getting fucked. Whoever thought of it is just out of luck. Fitz Dog, everybody. Let's bring it on home. Let's see. Ah, Alison Rosen is your new best friend. New episodes available now on itunes and on our app. Neal Brennan, you can look forward to him as this week's guest. New episodes every Monday and Thursday. More info, you go to AllisonRosen.com also mean Drew on tour on sale. Get that at itunes, online, wherever you like that. And Mean Prager in San Bernardino coming up Saturday, September 21st. So check that out. We'll be at Amalfi and all the good stuff. You know where to go, go to AdamKroll.com you see where we're gonna be. Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitzdogg Radio is where you go on itunes. Live shows coming up on May 28th and May 30th. Go to his website, GregFitsimmons.com, find out where it's going to be. Twitter. Greg Fitzshow. Greg Fitzshow. So Twitter. Until next time, Sando Carolla. We're Greg Fitzsimmons, Allison Rosen and bald Bryan saying mahalo, you fuck her, you

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

slap her and then you take the rubber off and you spike it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, those adam Kruel show 1080. That does it for today's cruel classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for

an all new installment.

Until then, mahalo and get it on.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, mean girls.

[Bald Brian]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For Show Times press nothing. They're free. 24. 7. That is so effective on Pluto TV stream now pay. Never.

[Adam Carolla]

The moment a body is found, the clock starts ticking. 48 hours before the trail goes cold. From A and E and Crime House,

[Podcast Host / Guest Speaker]

this is the official podcast from the

[Adam Carolla]

famous true crime series the first 48. I'm Carter Roy. Every Thursday I revisit a landmark homicide investigation in depth with long form storytelling built for your ears. Listen to and follow the First 48 on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music or wherever you listen to podcasts.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to plutofo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman the Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Joe Coy]

Welcome to the real world, Mean girls.

[Bald Brian]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For Showtime, press nothing. They're free. 24. 7. That is so effective on Pluto TV stream now pay. Never.