Larry Miller + Jeff Ross (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show – “Larry Miller + Jeff Ross” (Carolla Classics)

Release Date: June 14, 2026
Clips from: Episodes #366 (Larry Miller, Dr. Bruce, Teresa Strasser, Bryan Bishop, 2010) & #460 (Jeff Ross, Cousin Sal, 2010)
Host: Adam Carolla
Guests: Larry Miller, Jeff Ross, Dr. Bruce, Cousin Sal, Teresa Strasser, Bryan “Bald Bryan” Bishop

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Episode Overview

This edition of Carolla Classics, hosted by Superfan Giovanni, celebrates some of the Adam Carolla Show's best moments from over a decade ago, offering a raucous journey through Adam's signature rants, musings on pop culture, and comedic riffing with friends. The episode features two vintage segments: the first with Larry Miller and Dr. Bruce blending parenting laughs with biting takes on addiction, medical advice, and societal over-coddling; the second is a football Sunday roundtable with roastmaster Jeff Ross and Cousin Sal, packed with behind-the-scenes Hollywood stories, sports commentary, and vintage bro-banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Adam’s Epic Rant: The Methadone Joke and MTV (06:45–16:35)

Theme: Censorship, Comedic Integrity, Industry Frustrations

• Context: MTV asks Adam to contribute five alternatives to the Internet, riffing off Prince’s "Internet is over" remarks.
• Adam shares the list (“Put Prince in a water balloon launcher and fire him at the sun,” “the Aquanet,” “curling,” “How Long for Prince to Get in a Onesie,” and family time...just kidding, do massive amounts of methadone).
• MTV and his publicists ask him to “tweak the meth joke,” apparently confusing methadone (a legal opioid) with methamphetamine.
• Adam's rant: He rails on the hypocrisy of MTV—“MTV, who brings you a bunch of fucking MOOCs fucking in a hot tub 24/7, is uncomfortable with method comedian Adam Carolla making a joke about family time conversation. Just kidding, I guess we'll have to just start doing massive amounts of methadone.” (11:16)
• Memorable Quote:

  “Will I tweak it? Fuck you. Jesus Christ. The fuck is wrong? Why can't comedians make jokes?” (14:01, Adam)

• He scolds industry types for willful ignorance—“Take 10 fucking seconds and Google methadone, you retards.” (16:14)
• Broader point: People who don’t get jokes or references should just quietly look them up instead of asking for unnecessary changes or pronouncing “it’s not relatable.”

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2. TV Culture & The Bachelorette Mocking (20:02–24:10)

• Adam and Teresa mock the artificial drama of “The Bachelorette,” where a contestant’s exit is treated as tragedy despite the abundance of romantic options on the show.
• Adam’s Satirical Take: “How about you suck off one of the other two dudes you’re just fucking? Oh, you’re only down to two guys. That’s traveling light!” (22:41)
• Conversation about reality TV’s erosion of dignity and embarrassment of riches.

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3. Larry Miller Joins: Parenting, Kids’ Bodily Functions & Real-Life Parenting Moments (24:24–28:43)

• Larry confesses he normally hates “my kid said…” stories but makes an exception for Adam.
• Larry’s 12-year-old child gives a sweet/funny grocery store shout-out: “Oh, I know, Corolla! Who’s that again?” (25:29)
• Adam shares a moment about his daughter yelling, “Daddy, wipe my ass!”—illustrating the real, unglamorous side of parenting. (27:01)
• Both riff on the universal grossness and comedy of children’s bathroom habits.

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4. News & Current Events: The Mel Gibson Phone Call Tapes (28:43–36:40)

Theme: Celebrity Meltdowns, Media Sensationalism, Mental Health

• The team plays and dissects excerpts from the infamous Mel Gibson tapes, poking fun at Gibson’s mismanaged threats and his spiral (“crawl back, suck my cock, and say you’re sorry—in that order!”).
• Adam’s Analysis: “You can’t yell, ‘I’m gonna burn the house down’—in his book, the prologue is at the end!” (29:27)
• Dr. Drew diagnoses Mel as probably “bipolar” and in a manic state (34:34).
• Larry and Adam muse about why fame and a lack of “no” in a celebrity’s life can lead to meltdowns, comparing Mel’s spiral to children of despots (“everyone who never hears ‘no’ grows up to be a monster”). (43:11)

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5. Parking Lot Etiquette & Capital Punishment (45:00–46:00)

• Larry Miller vents about people who don’t give the “thank you” nod in parking lots after you let them go first, joking they deserve capital punishment:

  “Right there. Same frag ‘em like Uday and Koussay.” (45:36)

• Adam rants on parking lot inefficiency—people getting in their cars and sitting doing nothing while others wait for the spot.

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6. “Hypothetical Road Trip Game” with Larry Miller (49:41–55:44)

Classic Segment: Adam poses “would you rather?” scenarios

• Larry must choose car trip companions: Shirley “God Hates Fags” Phelps vs. Kim Jong Il (picks Kim), male Ellen DeGeneres fan vs. female MMA fan (picks Ellen fan), Dr. Oz vs. Dr. Phil (picks Oz, but Adam tells him he’s wrong every time, in classic Adam fashion).
• Best moment:

  “Two bald men in a car do not mix.” (53:47, Larry Miller)

• Running joke is Larry choosing the “wrong” answer but getting compliments anyway.

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7. Medical Mayhem with Dr. Bruce: Painkillers, Addiction, & “Third-Hand Smoke” (58:39–84:14)

Discussion led by Adam and Dr. Bruce (with Teresa & Larry)

• Adam explores how ERs deal with patients seeking Vicodin and painkillers.
• Dr. Bruce explains prescription drug abuse and the new California system for tracking controlled substances.
• Adam’s analogy: Toilet paper and painkillers—manufacturers sell more product because of abuse, even if they “don’t like it.”
• Methadone explained: Synthetic opiate for pain and addiction treatment, not a street drug; Adam rants on how misunderstood it is.
• Adam and Bruce debate addiction genetics, the difference between ethnic groups’ reactions to drugs, and the “Chapstick and Sunglasses Theory” (once you start using something, you “need” it).
• Skepticism about the dangers of “third-hand smoke” (residual smoke chemicals left on surfaces) compared to pressing threats like air pollution and diesel fumes.
• Adam’s Prime Rant: “Nature’s not a prankster… if we needed [shampoo/lotion], we’d have it before the last hundred years!” (73:56)
• Mockery of the beauty industry’s marketing and the “necessity” of personal care products.

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8. Football, Roasts, & Hollywood War Stories with Jeff Ross & Cousin Sal (From Episode #460, 1:16:27 Onward)

Celebrity Oddities – Tom Cruise at Kimmel’s Football Party (1:26:46–1:35:29)

• Adam and Sal recount Tom Cruise bringing cupcakes—and his mom—to a guy’s football party, showing up late, and refusing beer (“Just water, please”).
• Adam’s Take:

  “If you’re trying to be one of the guys, leave the cupcakes in the car, leave mom in the car, come up and go, ‘Yeah, I could use a cold one.’” (129:39)

• Comparison to how Steve McQueen would never show up at Carson’s with cupcakes.

Roast Highlights & The Tarantino Friar’s Roast (1:18:12–1:27:07; 1:58:49–2:07:07)

• Jeff Ross on roasting Quentin Tarantino, Samuel L. Jackson, and the film crowd.
• Sal’s favorite zinger: “Sam Jackson, you need to start saying the N-word more. The N-word is ‘no.’” (1:18:12)
• Tales of awkward/fake-offensive moments: Tarantino making Greg Giraldo jokes just weeks after his tragic death (165:09).
• Analysis of who makes a good roast target—athletes deemed less game for a roast than entertainers.

Friendship Fallout: The Dancing With the Stars Text (1:30:44–1:33:23)

• Retelling of Cousin Sal and Jeff’s real-life falling out when Sal texted Jeff false reassurance ahead of a Dancing With the Stars elimination, resulting in genuine bad blood resolved only by Tom Cruise’s presence at a Kimmel party.
• “I thought Tom Cruise, who’s played so many righteous lawyers, came down with the verdict.” (1:33:03, Sal on Tom Cruise mediating their argument)

Bachelor Party & Ray-Lore Stories (1:41:23–1:45:57)

• Epic tales of Adam’s friend Ray: public urination at high school graduation and at Adam’s bachelor party.
• Jeff Ross’ own Ringworm Ball story (“Ray has ringworm, which is highly contagious, and I gotta share a bed with him”), gross-out contest, and other fraternity-style anecdotes.

Porn, Children’s Programming, and TiVo Frustrations (1:43:44–1:52:14)

• Discussion of having porn and kids’ programming on the same DVR—“she gets the anal explorer by accident…Door-a Explorer’s in between You Bang Us Uranus and Taboo 29.” (1:73:39)

Closing Notes

• Touches on book releases, audiobook awkwardness (“What if Mackenzie Phillips narrated her own childhood abuse scenes?”), and the problem with audiobooks that are too graphic.

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Notable Quotes

• On Censorship:

  “It’s a fucking joke from a fucking comedian. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? And leave me the fuck alone.” (13:51, Adam)

• On Reality TV:

  “How about you suck off one of the other two dudes you’re just fucking?” (22:41, Adam)

• On the beauty industry:

  “It’s all a multi-billion dollar scam for rich whitey, that’s all it is.” (76:36, Adam)

• On Parking Lot Etiquette:

  “Right there. Same frag ‘em like Uday and Koussay.” (45:36, Adam)

• On celebrity oddness:

  “Imagine if Steve McQueen went to Johnny Carson’s yacht and brought him cupcakes... Johnny Carson would just smack him with his tennis racket.” (1:29:10, Adam)

• On porn+kids TV overlap:

  “The Door-a Explorer’s in between You Bang Us Uranus and Taboo 29.” (1:73:39, Adam)

• On Roasting:

  “Quentin Tarantino changed the face of cinema. If only cinema would return the favor.” (167:03, Jeff Ross)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• MTV Methadone Joke & Adam’s Rant: 06:45–16:35
• “The Bachelorette” & TV Satire: 20:02–24:10
• Larry Miller Parenting Stories: 24:24–28:43
• Mel Gibson Tape Meltdown: 28:43–36:40
• Parking Lot Gallows: 45:00–46:00
• Hypothetical Road Trip Game: 49:41–55:44
• Dr. Bruce on Addiction & Fake Dangers (“Third-Hand Smoke”): 58:39–84:14
• Tom Cruise, Cupcakes, and Kimmel’s Football Party: 1:26:46–1:35:29
• Tarantino/Friars Roast: 1:18:12–1:27:07, 1:58:49–2:07:07
• Bachelorette Party/Ray-Lore: 1:41:23–1:45:57
• Porn on the DVR vs. Kids TV: 1:43:44–1:52:14

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Episode Tone and Style

• Freewheeling, unfiltered, obscenity-laced, self-deprecating humor.
• Strong camaraderie among guests; much ribbing and old-friend storytelling.
• Social commentary about changing times—how the culture of dignity (as with Winchester estate auction or Old Hollywood) has devolved into oversharing and oversensitivity.
• Adam’s diatribes blend comedian’s frustration with social critique.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a time capsule of Adam Carolla’s brash comedic style and the cast’s tight-knit chemistry. It’s packed with unapologetic rants on the stupidity of entertainment execs, the hypocrisy of media, and the absurdity of modern parenting and self-care trends. Long-time fans will enjoy classic running jokes (Dr. Bruce’s mishaps, Adam’s friend Ray), while newcomers will get a crash course in ACE broadcasting’s blend of blue-collar wisdom and irreverence.

Note: Timestamps are approximate and may vary depending on whether you listen to the ad-supported or ad-free versions. Irrelevant promotional breaks and intros have been omitted for clarity.

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Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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Good day, Adam Carolla.

Hey, you know, today it's a good day to get yourself that stitcher. What's stitcher, you ask? It's an app, which is short for application. You pop it right on your iPhone, your BlackBerry, your Android and your Palm and you go to stitcher.com and then you stream the show. It's there.

Anytime I press, I go to my apps. Stitcher.com I can hear you for free. Free now?

That's right.

Can I just hear what I can hear if I, you know, download this show onto itunes? Or do I can I hear something special?

Oh, good point. Yeah, it gets special content. Me ranting and railing after the show.

It's like Oprah after the show.

Yeah, it's the best part. I mean, what? That's right. Also, you can get yourself a chance to win valuable, valuable prize. I do believe it's an iPhone 4.0 and Android or Palm Pre. How do you do that? Well, you send an email to adamstitcher.com for a chance to win. We're giving away one of these to a listener that will draw the name out of each and every week. So go ahead and listen to this show whenever, wherever. You don't have to beat your computer. All you need is your phone on you and you just go to stitcher.com alright. And next, our good friends over at GoToMyPC.com Again, this idea of not having to go into work, that's really what it's about. And you know, using GoToMyPC.com is not only a Good thing for you. It's not only a good thing for your life and your family, but. But it's a good thing for society and humanity. You can lower your carbon footprint, you know that. You know what the 405 freeway looks like every morning at about 8:35? You don't have to be one of those lemmings heading off to your box with the man in it telling you what to do in your cubicle, which should just be a coffin. Dude, it shouldn't be called a cubicle. It should be called a coffee. That's what it is, a coffee. Dammit.

Wait, a tumical.

Tumical.

[Larry Miller]

What else do you do that's wrong?

[Adam Carolla]

A cough and a Kabul. Dude, you're getting inside that iron coffin known as an SUV and driving off to your tumacle.

Yep.

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

And now stop speaking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

As opposed to, say, being in a lovely. A sidewalk cafe, you know, and checking your work email.

Oh, man. On the French Riviera. That's right. Go to my PC.com lets you go to your work computer and your home computer. Whatever other computer you get, you can hook it up to two computers. So you can be wherever, whenever. Traveling, vacationing, or just sitting around drinking a nice latte with just a little bit of brandy I keep in a Bible flask in there.

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Mm, perhaps I've said too much. 45 day free trial. That's right. Month and a half free just to my listener. So go to my PC.com and hit the promo code Adam. That's promo code Adam. Check them out. What do you got to lose? Month and a half for free. We know you're gonna love it. And let's not add to the gridlock. All right, A couple of things. First off, I brought something in. I don't know why, but this fucking business. It's such a pain in the ass, this business. I. And we can ask Dr. Bruce when he comes in here and we'll ask him about methadone because this is going to get to one of the issues or at least have a question about it. My publicist, Lynn and Alex have been bugging me. You know how the gays nag. They get a lot of stuff. They get a lot of free stuff, right? Hmm. Wait a minute. AIDS is free.

That's true. But then it becomes costly.

Oh, yeah, okay, you're on. That's wrong. That's wrong. But the point is they get a lot of free stuff. They do a lot of bugging. They go like, when are you Gonna do this? When are you gonna do this? When are you gonna start getting this email like every 3 hours? MTV online wants you to do. You know, when Prince basically announced a few weeks ago that the Internet was over, passe and over and, you know, yesterday's news. So MTV wanted to do this thing which was the. I think. Let's see. Yeah, it's a sort of the five things that we're going to replace the Internet. Like what were we going to do to occupy ourselves without the Internet? Or how were we going to. What were.

I think I can name your top five. And they're all the same.

Yes. What we're going to do instead of use the Internet. Right, right. So they just kept coming at me. Come on. What's that MTV thing? What's that? It's like MTV online, MTV on. You know, I'm sort of busy. I'm not a good speller. I'm not a good typer. Like, who gives a shit? I got a bunch of other stuff going on. But they typist, type person, Type two man. So they kept coming at me. And the Typer is a great independent film.

Yeah. I think that one Sundance one.

Laura Linney is the typer. Merchant Ivory brings you the typer.

Lonely

Die. All right, so they're bugging the out of me, right? Two E's.

No.

Why delete. So they're bugging the out of me. So here's what. Here's what I finally come up with. So I just sit down, I go it. I'm gonna. Now this is for mtv. And this is online mtv. It's not prime time air on their channel.

It's not even basic cable or deep cable. This is the Internet.

Yeah. And this is mtv. The people that brought you. Jersey Shore. Right, Right. The Jersey Shore and the grind. All right, so here my. Here my top five.

Okay.

And again, they're good, but they're not great. I didn't put a ton of effort into that.

You phoned it.

Yeah. So here's what's gonna replace the Internet. A new game called put Prince in a water balloon launcher and fire him at the sun. That's number one. Number two is, instead of the Internet, the Aquanet. We fill a garbage bag with hairspray and huff it until we forget about the Internet.

That's good.

The number three. Two words curling,

by the way. I like that. It's a very Letterman esque two words. Construct. Yeah.

Number four, we invent a new video game called how long does it Take Prince to get inside a Onesie.

That's cute.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Next story. And the last one was, call me old fashioned, but I say we replace it with family time and a little something called good conversation. Just kidding. I guess we just have to start doing massive amounts of methadone. Okay? So then I get the email back from the guys and they go, mtv wants us to tweak the meth joke. Now, first off, since they misunderstand almost everything I say, meaning my publicist, right, when they say the meth joke, I don't know if they understand that methadone is not methamphetamine, right? So they think maybe it's a speed joke.

I get it, right?

But MTV, MTV, who brings you a bunch of fucking MOOCs fucking in a hot tub 247 is uncomfortable with method comedian Adam Carolla making a joke about family time conversation. Just kidding. I guess we'll have to just start doing massive amounts of methadone, which, by the way, is not a. Doesn't come in from Mexico via drug.

Isn't it a prescription drug used to help people wean off heroin?

Yes.

And I thought that was part of the joke. You're weaning off the Internet with methadone.

Yes, but they don't get it. Nobody fucking gets it. It's the fucking Internet. There's nothing, by the way, that's in here that couldn't be said on primetime network television. For the love of fuck, this is the Internet. This is not only Internet, it's MTV Internet. And so you get the thing back. They want us to tweak the meth joke.

Well, let's stick to shows about pregnant 15 year olds. That's better.

Yeah, it's more wholesome or 16 year olds getting Bentleys for their birthday. Yeah, either way, mtv, you've done enough fucking damage. Shut the fuck up, you fucking hypocritical assholes. And by the way, then I have no idea if Alex and Lynn think meth is, again, a method of speed or what it is. I can say 99% sure they have

[Jeff Ross]

no idea what it is. Everyone, everyone associated with this note, change

[Adam Carolla]

it, has no idea what they're talking about.

[Cousin Sal]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That. Okay, so number one, number one, what you're dealing with. And I just say to Lynette, I just go, you see what the fuck I'm up against? You see what I have to deal with in life? I get fucking harangued for four days. Where's the thing? Where's the thing? Where's the thing? Then I sit down and I write you Know a yeoman, like you know.

No, it's above yeoman five.

Five. It's, it's yeoman for me, but yo man, for a lot of their comedians, yo man, this is funny shit. And look, it's fine. It's good. Here's your free content. Put it on your website. Someone will get a chuckle out of it.

Right?

Good times. No, we need you to tweak it. I then replied, fuck it, you get nothing. Which is, by the way, which is what everyone needs to do in life. Now. Here's the deal with these ass wipes. First off, I guarantee Lynn and Alex didn't go look up what methadone was. I'll guarantee the ass wipe retarded MTV didn't go look it up. It's got a complete context. Yes, we're weaning you off this substance you're hooked on and it's a perfectly viable drug. It's not that much different than saying Ambien, right?

And even if you had said crank. It's a joke, right?

It's a fucking joke from a fucking comedian. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? And leave me the fuck alone. And here's the deal. Could I tweak it?

You?

Yes. Will I tweak it? Fuck you. Jesus Christ. The fuck is wrong? Why can't comedians make jokes? And by the way, all you fucking non funny people that don't have a creative fucking bone in your body except for the one your boyfriend just shoved up your ass, shut the fuck up. Shut up. You're not fucking funny. Now shut up. You're lucky I'm fucking burning 10 calories riding this for your piece of shit website. Now shut the fuck up, be happy you got it and move the fuck off. You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary. Ever notice how life's best stories don't happen in your living room?

[Cousin Sal]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Cousin Sal]

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[Dr. Bruce]

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[Adam Carolla]

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Or take 10 fucking seconds and go fucking Google methadone, you retards. Don't get back with the fucking tweak. It's no, fuck you. It's funny and it's fine. There's nothing wrong with it. Again, it's not for the Teen Choice Awards. It's for fucking MTV Online. Dude, you're tweaking like fucking cry.

Tweaking like you're on methadone right now. We're used the word tweak make me uncomfortable. Our listeners will be offended.

It wants to tweak the meth joke. And then again, I said, Alex and Lynn, I don't know when they. I don't know why they have to say meth. And they don't know the difference between methadone and now.

Well, let me get this straight. This isn't for the Nickelodeon show. You're doing Meth Bob Syringe pants, Right? Because that would be inappropriate for kids.

Can I, can I ask you guys,

Meth Bob is not funny?

Please, please, riddle me this. I have a lot of people say to me, you know, oh, no one's heard of Burning Man. You know, I was doing. Trying to do a. Trying to do a sitcom saying, some guy's going down to Burning Man. Oh, we don't know what that is. Or no one knows what that is. Where's the part where. What happened to this part of life? Ooh, I haven't heard of this.

Maybe I'll.

I'm gonna quietly Google it and shut my fucking face so I don't come across like an illiterate ass wipe. Instead of announcing to the world, hey, you can't. Or nobody knows or whatever. Where. That part, that thing that smart people do. Here's what smart people do. They hear something. They hear a word, they hear a reference, they hear a place, they hear an event, and they go, who? Ooh, Burning Man. What's that? How come everyone else seems to know what that is and I don't know what it is?

And then Adam types in his search engine, and three hours later, I type it in.

[Larry Miller]

Bur.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, is that B E?

It sounds like E. B.

No, Burr. Like cold. B, R, R. R, R Ning Ling Burn. Ling Durning. Right. Just. Here's the thing. What's with everyone's just sort of eagerness to not know shit from fucking Shinola and not go investigate?

You know what's annoying is the attitude is this. If I haven't heard of it, then viewers haven't heard of it, so you gotta change it. But maybe it's just missed you.

Right?

And by the way, I don't know if this is an apocryphal story or this is just one of those show business myths or what, but they say that Seinfeld was the lowest testing show in the history of NBC. Well, it was a focus group. Didn't get it.

Sure.

And then NBC could have said, well, obviously Americans are not gonna understand humor about soup Nazis and a show about nothing.

Yeah.

And yet they did.

It's awesome. All right, so anyway, fuck you, MTV and Lynn and Alex, don't bother me next time. Just tell them fuck off. And. And. And again, let's all just start doing this in our life instead of going, oh, let me come up with a dumber version of something that's not. Not broken and water down something that doesn't need to be diluted with anything. I just said, just tell them, fuck you. And by the way, I want them to be told, fuck you. I don't want to be like, oh, Adam sprained his pinky and can't reply. Just, you get nothing, you dicks.

I would look forward to seeing who else posted on this topic, what other comedians they were able to get.

I'm sure they're all the fucking. All the A listers, all the big fucking names. The other thing I must mention is Leila Laporte made a crack joke. I was watching some T. You'd be pissed about this too, right? It's. It. It makes. It gets me pissed when people don't get the joke and then accuse you of crossing the line, which happens almost all the fucking time.

Yeah, Sometimes I really appreciate editing. As a newspaper writer, somebody catches a spirit spelling error or some sort of mistake that would have made me look stupid. And I appreciate that. But when someone just changes something because they have a tin ear, right? It's very bothersome.

Thank you. All right, now next, I was watching me some bachelorette the other night.

Even I don't watch that one.

I know. I do, though. I do. I have to. They were in Tahiti. It's so romantic. But it was this great. It was this great sequence of events because last night was the big night where one of the dudes pulled out, okay? Literally just dropped a batch right on her tits. Oh, no.

Because he didn't want to get her pregnant.

No, he pulled out of the competition. He was in the final three. Ooh, right?

Made it that far.

It's in the final three. And he. And he pulls up lane. So here now. So what happens is, which was awesome, is they're in Tahiti, right? And she's like in her little hut that's over the water and it's beautiful. And it's of course the most romantic thing in the world. They're like on Marlon Brando's island over the water and the whole thing. And so the first dude flies in and she has this romantic day date night date, you know, and then at night it's like he's taking his shirt off, she's dragging her hands on his chest. And you know, they fade out, right? The next day the next dude shows up and she's like, I really could find myself falling for Kurt. You know, Kurt's at least got a great sense of humor. And I love this family. So a minute ago she's just fucking frolicking on the beach with this other dude and she's like, she's like, I love Bob. Bob's awesome. Bob's romantic. Bob touches me, makes me feel like a woman. And then there's a light beer commercial, or actually a Kotex commercial. And then a light Kotex commercial for. For light days, for spotting days. And then they come back and she's like, yeah, I could really. I really see myself falling for Rick. It's like, huh, what's. There's a new dude. So then the third dude rolls into town, but the third dude isn't gonna bang her or roll around on the beach with her. He's got some news. He wants to get back together with his ex girlfriend in Chicago. And there's this great thing where she's just sitting there teary eyed she's like, what am I supposed to do now? And it's like, how about you suck off one of the other two dudes you're just fucking? And now what? Now what am I supposed. Oh, you're only down to two guys. Now that's. That's traveling light. Like it's the weirdest thing in the world. First off, you're gonna dump two of the three guys anyway. Number two. You're down to two dudes you just got done having. I mean, look, I don't know if she's having intercourse with these guys. She's making out, rolling around, and then

it's fades, fade to black.

It's. It's from here to eternity on the beach. And then it's into the hut and fade to black. Now, I don't know if he's tossing a couple digits her way or what's going on, but something's going on. It's just so funny and ironic to see her welling up with tears going, now what? Now what do I do? Like stuck out here in paradise with just two cocks.

It's. It's a quality problem.

Yeah, I know, but she managed to

get all choked up about it.

Yeah. What about me? Anyway, I just thought, God damn, we're heading to fucking hell in a basket. That's a TV show. And then, yeah, and then I thought, and then I thought, you know the way these shows are taped, this shit is eight months old. Right? Yeah, she's with the dude. I mean, she picked her dude.

Keep it a secret.

Yeah, the dude just gets to sit at home and watch her go out on dates with everyone else and fucking roll around. Yeah, I mean, well, it's like they're literally sitting in, you know, waiting out in waist high water and he's wearing, you know, he's shirtless, wearing trunks, she's wearing a bikini, and they're just full blown making out in the beautiful crystal blue water. Except for that's not the dude who's living with her right now in their apartment.

Right. I mean, you know that your wife dated other people, but you never have to see it filmed, broadcast to millions.

No. And plus, I don't have beta, but no. Yeah, you don't have to fucking turn on a television set and watch it. And by the way, everyone you work with doesn't have to turn on the set and watch it either.

Yeah, your family, your future kids.

All right, T bone.

Yeah.

Shall we? I'll tell you what, why don't we bring Larry Miller in and do some News.

Oh, that would be great.

And then we can do some hypothesis hypothetical with that Larry Miller.

I love that.

[Larry Miller]

One of those outfits where this is like the just retired from 32 years as a steam fitter two weeks ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

And this is the one where you've been waiting. The kind of people who wait to retire for 32 years and say, once I retire, everything will be fantastic. Get down to Florida and then nine to 11 days later just blow their brains out.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't take it.

[Larry Miller]

Because they've been working their whole lives, by the way, before we do anything at all. I've never done this before. I don't expect it to do it again as long as I've known you. Now, we all, we all have kids. Never say anything about the kids. Oh, my kid said this I'm not a baby, my kid said something thing. I didn't never like that. Or when people show you the picture. Oh, isn't he cute? No, he's not. He's really not. Okay, I'm glad you like him. He's your kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Larry Miller]

But no, he's not at all cute. And in fact, there's probably something wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

That being said, Larry's 12 year old made a solid BM today, by the way.

[Larry Miller]

Don't think I don't look to me, there's still, I don't know if it's just being a guy or if it's just me. There's still something when they say it's our conversation. Dad, come here. Look what I just did. I think that's the greatest thing in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

And I have called them in and I'm sure you have the same thing. But here's the thing. It happened just a couple hours ago. One of my kids said we were going to Ralph's going shopping. I said, listen, I won't be around tonight when you go to sleep. I'm going over to do Adam Carolla's show. And we were in Ralph's and he did like the fist up. He just said, oh, I know, Corolla. And then he said, who's that again? And I laughed so hard. We were in the bread aisle. I just thought that had rhythm to

[Adam Carolla]

it was just Unleavened or regular.

I have a feeling. Unleavened.

[Larry Miller]

That's right. There's a whole aisle now just for us of Unleavened.

[Adam Carolla]

They got a whole store called Seven Unleavened, where the cheap welcome cues.

It's just Manischewitz and matzah.

That's 24 hours.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, by the way the height chart on the door stops at 4.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Larry Miller]

I don't even know what that means, but I just thought it in my head.

[Adam Carolla]

But my kid, I had a funny little kid thing today because I was talking to a guy named Ken Crosby, who's a producer over at Jimmy Kimmel's show and do segment producer. And he's the nicest guy in the world. Like, he's one of those guys who's just a pro. He's just good at what he does, he likes what he does. He's not out of line. He's great. He makes what you do better. It's just like one of those things. It's like the waitress who wants to be a waitress, takes pride in being a waitress, and does a great job at being a waitress. Like, I love. I don't care if it's a hairstylist, a waitress, or segment producer. I love the person that dresses the part, acts apart looks, the part is there when you need them, disappears when you don't need them, and just fucking does their job well, and says, I'm gonna go through my life kicking ass in this particular job. That's what Ken Crosby does. And I said, ken, how's it going? It's been a while. He said, I have a 10 month old. He said, I don't know, he's like an older parent, you know. I said, I'm worried a little bit, you know, my dad wasn't so great. I said, ken, I said, I want you to listen to something. My son walked up to me, I said, sonny, let's do that thing we do. I said, good morning, Sonny. He said, good morning to you, papa. And I pulled the phone back and I said, see that, Ken? You have nothing to worry about. And he said, wow, that really makes me feel better. Like on cue in a sitcom, I hear my daughter's voice coming from down the hall, daddy, wipe my ass. Wipe my ass. Because she's four, she can make the poo poo, but she doesn't do the ass wipe. So it's like, as I'm explaining to Ken, it's all. It's nothing. It's nothing but pixie dust and, and, and rose petals. I hear the wipe my ass coming from.

They're like a comedy team.

They're really, they really are white. And by the way, you don't you come in. She's already assumed the position. She bends over, she ankles grabbed. Wipe the ass. Come on, old man, dance.

[Larry Miller]

When they do something like that, the only thing that's to someone else in the room is we don't know where he gets it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

Yeah.

All right, so we decided to bring Larry in a little early because. Why not? We'll let T.T. up the news. Larry, jump in and let's do it. From the international news center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Theresa Strasser.

Radar Online has released yet another unedited Mel Gibson tape. And it begs an important question. If three things are to be done, in what order does Mel Gibson think they should be done? They are. Come crawling back to me. Suck my cock, say you're sorry.

Well, see, that's his whole problem. He gets things in the wrong. Like if he was. Mel Gibson should never run a railroad because it'd be dining car, caboose, engine. You know what I mean? I'm gonna burn the fucking house down. I'm gonna knock out two of your porcelain veneers and then I want a good reach around. It's like, what? No, no, no, you gotta. You can't yell, I'm gonna burn the house down.

Right? In his book, the prologue, is it at the end and the right?

Yeah, yeah. If he wrote like one hour crime dramas, they do the part where they pulled the mask off the guy and yelled aha in Act 1.

[Larry Miller]

I think it's held me back that I think all three are the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's take a listen. And eventually he will get to whether she should crawl back, suck his dick, or say she's sorry. You know, in what order he feels that those should be done. It does come up.

What are you talking about? You're out of here in 15 minutes. I never seen you clear out so fast as when I said I'd pull the plug on your fucking lustic bullshit. You've said you pulled a plug here. Today was fucking comedy. You've me told. Told me a hundred times you're gonna pull a plug and you will. I know, and I don't give a damn. I'm just saving my child's life because you are a monster. That's all. You're a monster. Okay, you're yelling now. Okay? You are a complete monster. I don't give a damn about the

career which you spend money on, not me. I never asked you to do that ever.

Are. You ask me for money all the time and you've had my money to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. So don't you say you didn't ask for it. You asked for every penny. I don't have anything.

And I've signed the paper.

I've signed. I've signed the paper that enables me to get. I can't get anything from you ever. Nor can I ask of anything. How dare you lie like that? I've signed the paper. Dishonest gold. Diggy. Now I'm sure you. I have signed the paper. I don't want anything from you. I don't have anything. And she doesn't need a ghost sticking Russian cunt. She's. She's. We all know what you are. She certainly. That child. She certainly.

I'm sorry, you will not have this child.

Keep her because they'll know what you are. Mel, you're imbalanced.

There's something wrong with you.

You need medication. Shut up. You.

You cannot raise this child with this symptoms. What you acting as a crazy man right now and you have been for many, many months.

And you hit me and you hit her whilst she was in my hands. Mel, you are losing your mind.

You need medication.

You need a kick up the ass for being a cunt. Gold digging with a pussy son. And I want my child.

[Cousin Sal]

And no one will believe you.

[Adam Carolla]

So fuck you. And I'm not giving you my house. And you can rot unless you crawl back, suck my cock and say you're sorry in that order. And understand me, you fuck. I'm always, by the way, the guy who four minutes later knocks on the door. Mel, listen, your car's blocking part of my driveway. What? What the fuck? Okay, imagine there's somebody's gonna have to. When he hangs up the phone, somebody's gonna. At some point the phone's gonna ring and it's just gonna be one of us, one of his friends, one of the guys that know. Hey, Mel, a couple of guys are getting together. We're going bowling on. What's that? Why are you yelling at me?

[Larry Miller]

I'm sure I'm missing something here, but first of all, is this the same phone call or is this like a day later or.

[Adam Carolla]

This evidently is going on over weeks or months or something.

It's unclear. They're releasing little snippets of it. That is to say radar online. I don't know when each of these was recorded. If it was over the course of several weeks, if it was over the

course of months, there's no way. First off, a guy with a three pack a day habit could not keep up that pace for one phone call. Eventually he'd have to get an oxygen. I was wondering if. Oxygen tests.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it goes on and on. It's a lot of yelling. Even with the actors training. I mean, even like a Shakespeare five act play.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta use your diaphragm if you're gonna get out. Russian gold digging cunt whore bitch. Yeah, you know, sometimes he gets them all in.

Did Larry ever tree people? Do you know him at all? No, it's Hunts.

[Larry Miller]

No, and I'm just, you know, All I know is I just, I just. That was the one question, though. Is it one call? Is it more than one call?

[Adam Carolla]

That's gotta be more than one call. They should have the picture of him, by the way. We're looking at a picture of him in a tie. But what about that movie where he's like the man without a face? Remember that one where he like, someone took like a curling iron to his face or something? What was that movie? Man without a Face. Was that what it was? Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

It turns out Jared did not have a face. He just like had like horrible scarred face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, someone ought to use. That's the picture that they should be using for Mel right now.

[Larry Miller]

Or is this one of those things where he keeps going, and she can go paper the bathroom or go to Yucatan for nine days, just pick up the phone again.

[Adam Carolla]

And another thing. You're right.

[Larry Miller]

How dare you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Larry Miller]

I mean, this will be interesting when that comes out. If it's one call or once every five days or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah, I was talking to Dr. Drew about that.

Yeah, what did he have to say?

He said he's bipolar.

Okay, so this is him in a manic state.

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, this. This the good times. This is the good times.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mania sometimes takes an ugly turn. I mean, sometimes you're like, I need to buy 14 snake bite kits. And other times, you know, you maybe have. You can't. Shut up. There are some calls where she maybe said two words in minutes. He just kept going and going.

Yeah, well, this is gonna be good. But still sad. I don't know. I think about, like her dad. I think about his dad.

Well, what about her other son who he then calls a pussy? The Tim Dalton kid.

Well, he could be a buzz. I don't know. We don't know if he's a.

Drag him into it. What did he do?

Well, listen, like I. Like I said once, these guys, this is, this is why. I don't think these guys are racist. I just think they go on these sprees and once they go on a spree, like I said, you can't. You can't be yelling like, I can't go, Teresa, you fucking Cunt. Wearing your fucking tight clothes. Shaking your ass, showing your vulva. I hope you go for a jog and attack by gang of African Americans and people of Chicano descent. That doesn't work. I have. It's. You have. Once you're on a roll, you got to pull back at that point.

[Larry Miller]

In fact, the director would say cut. Okay, now listen, Adam, it's all good. It's all good stuff. Yeah, but, yeah, let's just blow it out at the end a little more.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember, really yell people of Chicano descent.

[Larry Miller]

No, what we're looking for is something

[Adam Carolla]

that I don't feel comfortable.

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wet back or Mexican or any of this kind of stuff.

[Larry Miller]

All right, you know what, then that's lunch. Let's go get some lunch and talk about it then look at some dailies.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it would be perfectly plausible if you were having some sort of manic episode. But let's talk for a moment about anger and the human brain, the frontal lobe, which is relatively new in terms of human evolutionary history. That's where decisions are made. The more primitive parts of the brain are involved in anger. Now, alcohol can inhibit the more thoughtful, high functioning part of the brain and allow anger to flood out. Larry knows at night when he's got his gin and his Cheetos.

[Larry Miller]

Listen, do me a favor, we're friends, but don't make fun of my gin and my Cheetos. Yeah, because you know what gives the gin a nice orange color. And I'm very happy. There are five levels of drinking.

[Adam Carolla]

CNN spoke to a clinical psychologist named Robert Goldman and he talks about righteous rape. What's so funny?

Everything is. Go ahead, keep going. You know, my fantasy is when they talk to the psychologist about this, you know when you turn on Entertainment Tonight and they have the body language specialist and it's always the fat chick who's sitting there and she's saying, you see right there when he's blinking, that probably means he's lying and blah, blah, blah. My fantasy is to do a TV show where we analyze the body language analysis analysts so we actually watch them watching the show. And I can see, I can see this fat cunt doesn't know what she's talking about, by the way she's talking about his blinking.

[Larry Miller]

Maybe the psychiatrist told him to say all these things. You know what would make you feel better?

[Adam Carolla]

Just let it out.

You gotta express yourself.

[Larry Miller]

Let it all out. And then come back and tell me what happened. What happened?

[Adam Carolla]

Everything is ruined.

[Larry Miller]

That's what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

I never wanted to know this about my mom and my stepdad, Father John, who my stepfather. John doesn't speak and my mom rarely speaks. And I want to know nothing about their intimate life or how they met or any of that stuff, because I find it grotesque. But my buddy Ray, who finds out everything from everyone, found out that my mother and my stepfather met at a primal scream encounter group. You want to know what damaged goods I come from? This is freak out at a primal scream encounter group. That's where they hooked up. So maybe there is something to it. There's something cathartic. You know what I mean?

I think perhaps he might have gotten some bad advice, if that is. But if he was.

Look at my mom and my stepdad. They turned out great.

This psychologist, Robert Goldman, talks about something called righteous rage. That's when you feel so strongly that you deserve something that you're blinded to the reality of the situation. Not to mention feelings of entitlement you might have, if you're, say, Mel Gibson or say, if your parents expressed their anger in such an inappropriate way that to you it would look normal. That you form a belief when you're a child that that's how people act, and so that's what you do.

Mm. Mm. Yeah. Either way.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah, it could be that or it could be just that. Once again, the Jews run the world.

[Cousin Sal]

It could be that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we start all the wars.

Well, I mean, look at it. You look at it this. You look at it this way too. In. In. In life, there's all these experiences that sort of keep you together. There's a sort of a. There's a. There's a kind of a gravity on this planet that sort of keeps you from imploding or exploding. You know what I mean? Like, it's weird, but they. They. You know, it's like when. If we went out into outer space, our bodies would just come apart. And if we went down to the bottom of the Marianas Trench in the ocean, our body would just be smashed like a beer can. We have a sort of atmosphere that sort of keeps us where we're at. And that atmosphere is getting the ticket once in a while from the Cop having the wife or the husband say, hey, listen, I'm talking. Stop tuning me out. Handing a script to someone who reads it and says, thanks, but no thanks. You know, just those kind of little humbling experiences. Just that sort of all of life's little checks and balances. Now, if you're Mel and I feel the same way about a lot of child stars, you know, where they go, why is this person so out of control? Or why is Lindsay Lohan so out of. She never knew what control was. She never got that pulled aside by one of her teachers and told her a report card with a subpar and she was going to start working a little harder. And she wasn't going, you know, she was out of control and entitled. Well, think about a guy like Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson has probably not heard the word no in about 30 years. I mean, he's probably not heard the word no from a woman he was trying to fuck, from a producer he was trying to get in business with or another actor. I mean, he's never. Not only has he not heard the word sort of no professionally, but. But there's also syndrome when these guys play. These guys, when they play Braveheart, when they play these parts, they start thinking they're that guy. And imagine here he is, you know, on his steed muscles rippling war paint on balls dangling in the wind, going up and down with a sword over his head, then winning all the Oscars and all the shit and all the accolades. I mean, here's a guy who hasn't been, you know, put in his place. No captain of the football team has shoved him in his gym locker and locked it behind him in 30 years. So you take a guy who already is probably kind of a badass, probably has got a little attitude, he's got a little too much testosterone and all that shit. And then you put him in a vacuum where no one else tells him, hey, buddy, get to the back of the line, or, hey, buddy, you can't come back into the theater once you leave, or all the little shit we have to deal with on a daily basis. It just lets you know you're nothing special. And now you end up with this. You mix in some drugs, you mix in some booze, and you mix in, you know, 50 acres of land in Malibu and your own steeple and now

maybe a Scotia manic depression.

And this is what you get, right?

I mean, if she's the first person to say say no in a long time, then you could argue what some of the psychiatrists and the CNN piece are arguing, which is that anger is stemming from a survival instinct. And something in him thinks her saying no to me is taking from me. It's killing me. She's doing something to threaten my very existence, so I have to put a stop to it.

Yeah.

[Larry Miller]

You know, also, the step past that is like the. I remember when Saddam Hussein's sons were just doing this. Yeah, they're just doing all this weird stuff. They were like, even 10 times that as kids, you know, they.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey.

[Larry Miller]

They pull a bird's head off and everyone go, wonderful, fantastic, marvelous.

[Adam Carolla]

Then we get wished in a cornfield. No, those guys wish you into a cornfield.

Yeah.

Jimmy, those guys would walk into weddings and be like, who's the bride? Oh, good. I'm gonna go rape her in the elevator. And like, hey, where's. Where's Anna? Oh, she's getting raped in the elevator by Koussay. I gotta. Then we're gonna continue the ceremony. Yeah, he pulled her right off the chair. We're holding above our head. And they would, you know, put people in a burlap sack and throw them off a roof. They would just do horrific things. And by the way, I know everyone, many people listening are against capital punishment. They're against many of the things I preach about on the show. I am so cosmically satisfied with those fucks being riddled with bullets. I'm over the moon about it. Uday and Koussi were fucking just jacked by American soldiers. They fucking held up in basically a palace. And then we shot the fuck out of those animals and they're dead. And I couldn't be happier about that. And we should all. Cosmically, whether you're an atheist or deeply religious, I don't care what God you pray to. We should all be fucking ecstatic that those two fucking animals are not breathing any of the same air we're inhaling. I fucking love that story. I was glad to see those two die. I was glad to see them die before their father died. I was glad to see that their father got to see their two fucking bloated corpses before he fucking ate shit. I love that story. And I wish we could fucking put a bullet in the head of every despot in the world. Thank you very much, man. Carl, I need your vote.

[Cousin Sal]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

As a sympathy card, though. I don't know that that would work.

There were five horrible animals, and I'm so glad they were fucking put down by our good Marines.

[Larry Miller]

Same here. But I have one where I'm definite on capital punishment, too. I may Be conflicted on this or that. But there's one I'm de. Another one. Well, in addition to them, there's one I'm definite on. It's when it just happened again. About a week ago, when you let someone in the parking lot at the supermarket. When you intentionally let someone go first. When you have to pull over just a few inches and someone goes first and. And as she's going by, you get ready for the nod, thank you. And there's no nod, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

And I think.

[Larry Miller]

Right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right there. Same frag em like Uday and Kusa. Right there. Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

Build a gallows right there next to

[Adam Carolla]

where the fruit truck is gallowsing, drawn and quartered so the whole town could see the gallows.

[Larry Miller]

Everyone, even Mike Farrell would say, yes, kill her.

[Adam Carolla]

You think Susan Sarandon in Dead Man Walking would be like, it's barbaric. Except in that case.

That's right. I can. I can I.

[Larry Miller]

He let you have the space and you didn't nod.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello. Wow.

Kill her. Can I tell you my parking lot gallows story from this. This afternoon, want to meet Kevin Hench from Spider and the Henchmen for a little lunch, work on a little writing project? Pulled up into the parking lot of a place called Good Neighbors. Small, small, little tight place. And there's about 12, 13 parking spaces. 10 tough around lunchtime to get a spot. But as I'm pulling in, three people are climbing into their car. Three people climb into the car. And now I wait. Oh, it's going to be a matter of moments. All three of them fucking sit there for 15 minutes. One guy gets out of his car and starts talking to the other guy who's in the other car. And then the other guy, one of the guys, when I got in, when the fucking food came, started pulling out. Like, here's the whole thing. Once you get in your car, when you're in a movie theater or restaurant or whatever, where parking is at a premium, and you see that there's a. There's two guys behind me stacked up waiting to get in. And I'm waiting, but I don't know where to go now. Should I go forward and pass one of the guys who made yeah, get the fuck out of there.

Yeah, the clock's ticking. Once you get in, pull into a

fucking cul de sac and finish your text message or whatever the fuck you're doing once. When you. Here's the deal.

Oprah's fault for the no phone zone thing.

All I can say is this, as I talk about all time. It's one big fucking PSA out here. About don't throw your kid in a dumpster and give a hoot and don't pollute and don't fucking smoke cigarettes. Fire season. And, yeah, recycle. Fuck that. When you're in a. When you're in a parking lot, shake your ass, get the fuck on with it. Don't get into your car in a fucking crowded parking lot, shut the door and. And then I don't know what you're doing. I've never been tempted to sit there for 21 minutes.

Do you sometimes try to see what they're doing? Because I'm always curious. Like, I'm putting on a full face of makeup. Like it's Merle fucking Norman in there.

I want to see what kind of animals behind the movie.

I want to know, too. I always try to. Merle Norman. It's a makeup thing.

[Larry Miller]

I was going to say what. By the way, you just had.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the guy who did the makeup for that Mel Gibson movie. Man without a fan.

Norman, by the way, makeovers.

[Larry Miller]

The one time in the history of the United States that 700,000 men just each looked at each other and said, merle Wat.

[Adam Carolla]

What if I said Estee Lauder?

Yeah, okay, okay, right.

What if I said Laura Mercier? What if I said Bobby Brown? Nothing.

Bobby Brown.

Be the other guy. But there's actually a female makeup artist with a very popular line of makeup.

No. Yeah. All right, well, let's. Let's try to salvage. Okay, look, felt like we're on some.

Merle Norman is a funny reference. If it's 15 years ago and you're female. Okay. If it's 17 years ago and you're female, it was in the mall and they'd have pictures, the before and after, and they'd load together. It was like glamour shots, really.

[Larry Miller]

By the way, in heaven, Estee Lauder just turned to someone and said, merle.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

Merle who? I don't know. Merle Norman. Yeah, Merle M, E. R, L, E.

You better change the subject.

I'm trying to. Listen. We're going to get to Lindsay Lohan and a lesbian who was denied entry to her prom momentarily. And also, same thing. And also, Bruce is gonna. Dr. Bruce is gonna be here. Maybe he'll have some insight. So let me now wrap Merle Norman, brought to you by Merle Norman.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right, I've had anal sex and I've passed out a couple times.

[Adam Carolla]

More of Teresa's news coming up. If you don't listen, you're an anti Semite. All right, let's do a little hypothetical question with the great Larry Miller. And again, Larry, we have an intro, but again, there are no wrong answers.

[Larry Miller]

Well, good, because, look, you know, I like being hit. I get a lot of laughs. It's just nice seeing everyone. But I begin, I get to feel bad. It's like a shot to my vanity.

[Adam Carolla]

This time you're on a roll. Hypothetical road trip game. The game where there are no wrong answers. That's good. You hear that?

[Larry Miller]

So whatever I think, I say what I think. And.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Larry Miller]

And there's no right. Good. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

No wrong. All right. You ready?

[Larry Miller]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Here we go. You're going from the Santa Monica Pier to Epcot center in Orlando. Ready? Yes. Surely the God hates fags chick.

Oh, yeah.

Phelps.

Roper.

Yeah, the one who protests at the fallen veterans funerals. Her or Kim Jong Il.

[Larry Miller]

That's easy. Sometimes these are hard, but this one is easy. It would always be Kim Jong Il. I would love to travel with him because at least we could talk about new small shoes. And it would never be the other one there, Shirley. Because that's a seriously vicious loony person. And that's someone who, like Hussein's kids, should be shut up and bloated and that's that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Oh, how could that be? Well, because even I'm shocked.

I mean, he's a dictator with possibly nukes.

Shirley. The reason you go with Shirley is just. I think, Larry, you're. You're the one guy who could turn her out. I think she'd be wearing a yarmulke on a prayer shawl by the time.

Eating Cheetos and drinking gin.

[Larry Miller]

Eating Cheetos and Drinking Gin.

[Adam Carolla]

That's gonna be the name of your

[Larry Miller]

next book and other short stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? I really feel like you could. You know why? Because other. You're so even keeled. Your temperament is so great, yet you're so consistent with your message. And while there's other people, it always turns into some sort of shouting match. And you're wrong and God hates you and you don't know anything. I feel like you, you know, you'd have a couple Cheetos and gins in you. You mellow out. You let her drive and you start slowly telling her stories. And she realizes you're not so bad. We're not so different. That's a compliment. But I'm sorry, you're wrong.

[Larry Miller]

No, I hate being wrong. But it's so nice to get a compliment. It makes everyone feel good.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're right.

[Larry Miller]

That's my feeling.

[Adam Carolla]

That's no way to approach a Shirley. You can't let your emotions get elevated.

That's what she wants. You can't go all Mel Gibson on.

[Larry Miller]

I was about to say, with a bunch of gin and Cheetos in me. Though I might say to her, you

[Adam Carolla]

are a blabber mouth like the Great One. All right, we're trying for another one.

[Larry Miller]

Sure, I do. I enjoy the game, but I just hate being wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Now this. This one. Well, here's one where, again, there's no wrong answer here. All right, this is the male Ellen DeGeneres fan or the female MMA fan. The mixed martial arts fan.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, listen, I would always want to drive with the male Ellen DeGeneres fan because so happens, so am I. We'd have a lot to talk about. And I would never want to drive with the female mixed martial arts fan because I would always have to hold my stomach in the whole trip.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm sorry. Oh, come on. Well, I'll tell you why. That's just my feeling. I'm wrong. Ellen DeGeneres fan is obviously gay. And he's, like, using that bench seat you keep noticing, inching closer to you and then saying stuff. Are you cold? I'm cold to me. Really? As he's inching up to you. Whereas the female MMA fan, first off, here's someone who can handle herself if trouble breaks out at a rest stop. I mean, you say you got to go in and use the john. There's a couple of truckers that don't like, hey, I saw your last HBO special. That wasn't so funny. Next. You know, we got a problem on our hands. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Larry Miller]

Yes, I just.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's 10 things I hate about you, Larry Miller. You know what I mean?

[Larry Miller]

I would just love any comment at a rest stop that ends with little

[Adam Carolla]

lady, and then she jumps in and saves your ass. All right, that's fair enough.

[Larry Miller]

Plus, I like tough women.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sorry. I'm sorry, Larry.

[Larry Miller]

Well, that's all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just try one more.

[Larry Miller]

Well, I'm always willing to try. I just keep being longer.

[Adam Carolla]

It seems like a long time since I. Larry's gotten one, right?

[Larry Miller]

Even for the drive home, it's a lot of the weeping. That. That makes me feel bad.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's just do one more. This one's real simple, okay? Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil.

[Larry Miller]

Oh, I could not drive with Dr. Phil because two. Every. It's classic wisdom that two bald men In a car do not mix.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Larry Miller]

I could. Oh, what two bald men mix.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, now, I'm sorry, because most of the time when you. You drive at speed with the windows down, it hurts you aerodynamically. But two bald guys with the window down actually cheats the wind. Whereas Dr. Oz has a big tuft of hair, not to mention he always wears scrubs, which again, aerodynamically, are like holding a sail up over your car. And also Dr. Phil, again, let me tell you what Dr. Oz would do. Dr. Oz would examine everything you put in your mouth from every fucking drive through you went through. You know, it's like he'd be. He'd. Or he. He would have brought his own green apples for the trip. Nothing worse than you having a chili fry and you washing it down with a Mountain Dew. And he's just eating his green apple saying, these are all the nutrients and all the phytonutrients that your body needs. You know, Fucking wear you out.

He'd probably have a cooler in which he brought a diseased heart to open it and show you what you were doing to yourself.

And he'd probably be doing some sort of isometric exercise with his inn thighs as he sat there, you know, just pressure, putting pressure.

Oh, please. He's doing Kegels.

Yeah, he's doing Kegels.

[Larry Miller]

You know what?

[Adam Carolla]

That's. He'd be doing Kegels.

You were putting on his Merlin.

[Larry Miller]

Unacceptable. By the way, he's got that hair, one of those heads of hair where it's too much hair. It's way too much hair.

[Adam Carolla]

He's mocking you with that hair.

[Larry Miller]

Nothing can go right with the hair like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, anyway, sorry. O for three once again. But you know, again, you're. You're not a bad person. That doesn't make you a bad person.

[Larry Miller]

But I also got a compliment because the gay guy like me was coming

[Adam Carolla]

across the seat, right?

[Larry Miller]

So. Oh, no, now he doesn't like me anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry Miller. Go to Larry. Better luck next time you play the hypothetical road trip game. I believe it's Larry Miller, humor dot com.

[Larry Miller]

That's right. And I'm going to beat the Irvine Improv.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that coming up this weekend?

[Larry Miller]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it Friday, Saturday, Thursday through Sunday? Thursday through Sunday. Now, do you stay out there or do you go back and forth?

[Larry Miller]

No, I'm probably going to go back and forth. It's one of those exact trips, as we all know. It's just long enough so that it's a pain in the neck, but then it's Too literally.

[Adam Carolla]

If they moved it eight feet further south, you'd have to stay to Ramada Inn.

[Larry Miller]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't handle that. Yes. All right. The great Larry Miller at the. Again, the great Irvine Improv place. We like to play all this weekend. Larry. Thanks. And once again, sorry.

[Cousin Sal]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice to see you, Larry.

You should go.

You should go see his show and order yourself a nice cold gin in his honor.

Yeah. All right.

And Cheetos. They should just have Cheetos for his shows.

Yeah. Love that. Great to see you, buddy. Speaking of Scrubs, that Snoop Dogg song, By the way, Dr. Cheetos.

I like that one, too. Dr. Bruce and his scrubs.

Yeah. Dr. Bruce, good to see you, buddy.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hey, good to be here. I got my Fomite Scrubs on. You know what a fomate is?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's. Fomite is something that. It's basically any object that can take a disease.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's what I like about you. You're like a doctor sometimes, you know, all these complex.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, your phone receiver could be a fomite. Right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And that'd be fomite. Yeah. So I walk in. Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

And I hear screaming. And I'm thinking, mel Gibson's a guest tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

And you traumatized me right here, five

[Adam Carolla]

seconds, it was just me.

[Dr. Bruce]

I thought you were screaming at me.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Bruce, now, for those who don't know, Dr. Bruce, again, he's just.

[Larry Miller]

He's.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's a better doctor than Dr. Drew. I think he's smarter than Dr. Drew. And again, I think I coined the phrase good lenses, bad frames, whatever.

I think his vision is acute, but somehow the style.

Other people don't see it.

I see.

It's like, yes, he. He's. The good lens part is. It's a good set of glasses. It just doesn't look very good, that's all.

He sounds good, though. Sounds like George Clooney.

Oh, yeah. Theresa's just. Yeah, she still says that. And then she never says what good looking guy I met. She doesn't go any further. I met Bruce many years now. Now, Drew, Bruce and I have worked a lot because Drew used to miss quite a few love lines. Back me up here, Paul. Brian. But he could do gigs, go on the road, things and whatever. Bruce would fill in a lot. As a matter of fact, they had a great fucking. Drew had a great system over there in Loveline, which is when on days he couldn't show up for work, Bruce would fill in. On days I couldn't show up for work they do best of. So I never missed work, by the way, but the few times that I did, Drew would get to stay home. And the few times or the many times that Drew was on the road, I would still come into work. Yet we still got paid the same. Same, and he never picked up a fucking check when we went.

Now, Dr. Bruce, you're a specialist in emergency medicine, right? Right.

Emergency medicine. What are you seeing in the AR these days? Mainly.

[Dr. Bruce]

Mainly, you know, a lot of kids with fevers and a lot of adults with a Vicodin deficiency.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Now, if I go in the emergency

[Jeff Ross]

room, Teresa's coming in.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. What do I say if. Let's just say I was shopping for some Vicodin and I went to the eo.

Oh, I could tell great stories.

Please.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, I don't want to tell you what to present with. Let me tell you what. How about. It's not limited to young people. It's not limited to the expected risk group. I had a veteran who came in and I refilled his prescription, even though he comes in about once every two weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

And he.

[Dr. Bruce]

I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He goes out.

[Adam Carolla]

He wanted the vicinity.

[Dr. Bruce]

Ten minutes later, he wanted an Orica. Ten minutes later, he comes back in with his younger girlfriend, and he says that the prescription flew away out of his hand in the parking lot, and he expected me to write another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Right then.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you do in a situation like that? Because it could have happened. I mean, if somebody. If somebody says, look, I need this for sleep, or I need this for my back pain or my sciatica, whatever it is, deficiency, and I walked out. Or you do that thing you do with, like, the receipt every once in a while. Like, you ever do that thing where it happens all the time. You get your tickets well in advance of the show, whatever show it is, and you're with a group of six people, and inevitably, when you do get to the door, one of the people won't have their ticket because they got it. We all got it two hours ago. I find myself picked my teeth with, like, tickets or throwing it away or throwing it with some other shit. So what if he actually did it? Like, what. What do you say to him?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it goes the whole gestalt of the patient. And this is a guy that's in every two, two to four weeks, and he's using.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got back pain, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

It's back pain. It's migraine headaches. But besides that, it's just A huge problem right now. I mean, the California DEA has now set up a program where we can register. And you have to go through a background check, even as a physician, and you could put your patient's name in and get a readout of all the controlled substances they filled. So that's going to help a lot. But literally, you have people that are spending seven days a week going hospital to hospital, ER to er, and then selling and using. They're selling.

[Adam Carolla]

How big a business is this? Like, I know it's like the pharmaceutical companies say, oh, you know, we frown upon this, but if you make a product that is supposed to be ingested, you're supposed to take. A very small percentage of the population, is supposed to take one or two tablets a day, and you have people taking 100 a day. And it's a much larger group than the group that just. It's sort of like. It's the same thing with toilet paper. If you made toilet paper, if you were Charmin and every motherfucking frat house and every high schooler TP'd everybody, every neighbor's house and every principal's house and every other neighboring frat house every other day, you might say, we don't like it. But you'd be moving a whole lot more. Toilet paper wouldn't be going up people's asses. It'd be going on their lawn. But you'd be selling a lot of fucking product.

I see what you're saying.

I mean, how much fucking product.

Who makes that Merc? Or do they.

What?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, they're.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me pull your.

Is it. Are they generic now?

[Dr. Bruce]

Most of it's generic.

[Adam Carolla]

What percentage? I mean, do they have any idea?

I mean, how many people actually have acute pain?

No, not that. What I'm asking is this. If you make Vicodin, Norco, whatever, whatever people are. Whatever du jour is Ambien or whatever people are getting kind of strung out on, let's say, Vicodin. What percentage of your product is going to people that don't legitimately need your product? It's more than half at this point, Right? I mean, because for every guy's taking one or two pills legitimately, it takes 100 of him to get to one junkie who's taking 100 a day. Right? I mean, so you have a product that is being consumed twice as much is more than twice as much as it would or should be consumed.

[Dr. Bruce]

I think a lot of it's generic. But when you get into OxyContin, some of these others, I'LL report back on this in the future because I've never looked at that. And that's a great question because some.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they might not know.

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of in their interest to not know. Because if. Let's just say I got some Vicodin for my C section and I take one every six hours for a few days and then I'd save them because why take it when you actually have pain? That's another story. But let's just say I was a junkie. I wouldn't be taking two in a day. I'd be taking what, 30.

No, a hundred.

Even up to 100.

Oh, Dr. Drew says he's had people that taken 100. More than 100.

I'm shooting a lot of product and that's every day as opposed to a few days after surgery.

I mean, the math on it is unbelievable. Speaking of that, methadone. I was screaming about methadone and MTV and how they rejected my methadone joke because somehow it cross the line. Even though they bring you such fine shows as the Grind, which shows people bitch slapping each other and fucking in a hot tub all day with spray tan on. I love it. I love it when fucking just corrupt, know nothing idiots or just peddle bullshit and make money any way they can all sudden get sanctimonious on your ass like, ho, ho, ho. We don't talk about methadone. Fuck you.

Well, what exactly is methadone?

[Dr. Bruce]

Methadone is a synthetic opiate. It's on the other. If you put all the opiates, all the things that stimulate opiate receptors on a tree, it branches out real early and you get methadone and Darvon and then you get all the others here. So it's very long acting, it's very sedating and it's used for chronic pain. It has a long half life. So.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's not. It's not made by Mexican drug lords.

It's not a straight drug.

Pot in Tijuana.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, it's. But it is abused.

[Adam Carolla]

It is abused.

Well, it's abused and so is. So is all the drugs we just named. Not. Not to mention many.

We have Listerine's abused.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, but seriously, this is a. I

[Adam Carolla]

could have said steroids and they would have like. I could have said. I could have said this is so and so on steroids. And MTV would have let me get away with that. Right, sure. Laxatives are abused or whatever.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't understand what they're. What was the issue?

[Adam Carolla]

They thought it was too rough a joke, I think.

No, I think they're. They're so fucking stupid that they thought it was methamphetamine. I say this is shit to do. Now, once the prince declared the Internet passe and over, and this is stuff, they wanted a list of stuff people could do instead of be on the Internet. And I said, call me old fashioned, but I say we replace it with family time and a little something called good conversation. Just kidding. I guess we'll all have to do start doing massive amounts of methadone again to wean. Thank you. You can stand up now. Meaning that's how. That's how you wean. That's how you wean.

Methadone is used. It replaces heroin. Right, because it's not as addictive or.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, it's just. It's felt that you're not out getting it illegally and you don't have it. Doesn't give you the same euphoria.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Anyway, the point is, what's an opiate without euphoria? What a waste of time.

Yeah, it's called a bummer. It's a total bummer, Bruce. So you see a bunch of people trying to get a bunch of pills.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's a huge problem. I mean, I had a call from a friend today. His son is out taking these kind of pills. And it's just. It's the type thing where there's certain. There's certain stories you hear in the news. This is a epidemic and this is a problem. But this is something that every day I'm seeing probably 5, probably 10, 15% of the patients I see are just there.

[Adam Carolla]

How can you avoid this? Because other drugs, most drugs have a sort of a window. And that window is like, kind of like, you know, ninth grade to 21. Like, if you ain't down with one weed by, you know, 18, 19, you're not getting on board at 51. You just don't. You're either into pot like Dawson and the weeds over there. And when you're into pot, it's early and often, but it's not, hey, man, I just turned 48 and decided to have a bongload. And I love this shit. I can't get enough of it. It doesn't work that way with weed. It doesn't work that way with booze. It doesn't seem to work that way with cocaine and other things. I mean, people are into it or they're not, but no one throws out their back. What I mean is these drugs, some guy's cleaning out his gutters. He's 56 years old, he falls off an a frame ladder, he fucks his back up, he goes into a chiropractor and goes to a doctor. The doctor prescribes him some of this stuff. He pops a few of these. Next thing you know, he starts feeling pretty good. And the next thing you know, prescription has run out. His back may be better, but he's like, fuck it, man, these things are good. I mean, I've. I thankfully don't like Vicodin, but I've talked to a lot of people who like never touched anything, went to the dentist, have their wisdom teeth yanked at 41, got Vicodin, had like a seven day cycle of Vicodin, ran out of Vicodin and then went, I need me some more Vicodin. Right? Not other, other drugs don't really work that way. And I'm really, in a way, almost surprised more people aren't strung out on this shit, considering how much people like it and how prevalent it is and how readily it's handed out to everyone who has any kind of mishap.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right, but addiction's a complex disorder. It's multifactorial. It's not just one gene that codes for it. So if I have a patient that's honest enough to say, wow, this stuff gave me energy, made me feel great, as opposed to somebody like yourself. That person has probably genetics for addiction, probably has a family history of addiction. And some people take it two, three a day just to. As a mood stable.

[Adam Carolla]

And it never goes to a hundred.

For me, Vicodin, it was like one of those movies I didn't see in the theater and got built up too big. And then I saw it. It's always gonna be disappointed. Yeah, it was my. The gods must be crazy.

Yeah,

Two years of hearing what a great, funny independent film that was, and then I finally fucking rented it and I was like, that's why I wasn't with Vicodin. Like five years of people going, oh man, it is good. Oh, you feel, oh, you've never felt better about yourself. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then I fucking got my like hernia surgery or something, popped a few. And I was like, yeah, some people don't try Nothing.

[Dr. Bruce]

There's about 15 receptors that opiates stimulate and there's a profile for that. And there's a nausea vomiting receptor, so to speak. And. And some people have intense dysphoria. People hallucinate on it. It's just like people with addictions talking about Valium. Oh, Man, I got a buzz off it. Somebody that really likes the feeling from Valium or Xanax and gets a little bit of a buzz, gets that euphoria. That's somebody that's got an addiction. They're going to have an addiction problem. Probably is genetics for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we.

[Dr. Bruce]

And marijuana. Here, just let me drop this one in. One of the issues, people, we didn't know about cannabinoid receptors until maybe 10, 15 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Cannabis.

[Dr. Bruce]

Cannabis, they're receptors. So the body makes an endogenous substance. Like, that's like.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you saying? Kitchen is.

[Dr. Bruce]

And your body makes a substance like an antigen, like a. Well, it's a chemical. Just like there are receptors for benzodiazepines. So there's a biologic benzodiazepine substance, and that's got receptors. And depending on the concentration of those receptors in the pleasure areas of the areas that cocaine stimulates, and that's just hereditary.

[Adam Carolla]

So if I have more receptors, I'm

[Dr. Bruce]

going to dig my Vicodin area, and Vicodin will that.

[Adam Carolla]

So it doesn't feel the same for me as far as that.

And that's why they say, sucks to be you. That's why they say it sucks to be you. No, that's why. You know, when you talk to Dr. Drew about different ethnicities and people from different parts of the world, that certain, the Jews, they have more receptors. Not so much with the booze, but the prescription meds. American Indian, they got the booze thing. The brothers, they got their own thing. Asians, they got their own thing.

Is there something to this?

Well, if you're passing along the receptors, turns out your kid's gonna love the Vikie.

Well, he's happy. He's happy. He's half gentile, so he'll like drinking and pills. Yeah, but I don't have that addictive thing. I mean, the ones I have for my C section, 10 months later, I still have. You know, I take a quarter now and again. With some wine, Gorder, I make it last.

I'd love to see that. Gorder.

Oh, my God.

It's like, lovingly, she says a quarter, she means 25.

No, because doctors take one look at me and they will not give me drugs.

Really?

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why. I must not be saying the right thing.

Well, again, I mean, do you factor that in? If you see some guy who looks like he's American Indian or Jewish or something like, are you saying this? I mean, I know you can't say no because you can't you can't not do that. Some people look. Some people inherently just sort of look like if Christie Brinkley comes in, you go, fucking, here's the keys. Go there. There's the medicine cabinet. Help yourself. She doesn't look like she's on anything. She doesn't look. You know what I'm saying? And then you had some other guy with it. You know, some guy looks like Sam Shepard comes in there or, you know, some guy throwing those mustaches.

[Jeff Ross]

Sam Elliott.

[Adam Carolla]

Sam Elliot. Sorry. Sam Elliott comes in there. He's like, hey, mijo meets a bike in it. You use so many cuss words. Yeah, yeah. Sam Elliot. I wouldn't give drugs to either, but yeah, shepherd, right.

[Dr. Bruce]

The family history and the personal genetics way outweigh that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's from a research standpoint. Informational standpoint. Very interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we take a. Take a phone call, by the way? We got some phone calls for Dr. Bruce.

[Dr. Bruce]

Scary.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk to Mark. Mark 8th. Man. What's going on? Gotta get it on, gotta get it on. Okay. What's up, buddy? Yeah, I just wanted to. I haven't used shampoo in seven years, and I just kind of wanted to tell you guys the story of that. Good. You don't need it, Rasta. Get it on. Gotta get it on.

Mark, do you use some other kind of cleanser that you make yourself or something?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No. Nothing. You don't need anything. And how's your hair? Full and healthy? Yes, full, beautiful. Yeah. Doesn't smell good. Doesn't smell bad, right? Yes. Just as the wheeze always says. Who doesn't use shampoo either? He says, you ever see a bald bum? No. Big head of hair. We're using too much shit. Look, here's how I. You want to know the answer? Here's how I have all the answers. I know nature's not a fucking prankster. If we needed something, they wouldn't have just given it to us in the last hundred years because it would have made all who came before us suffer. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, they go like, oh, you gotta shower every day. No, you don't. Because there was not the opportunity to shower for human beings historically, through the last few million years. So why would he fuck with those people? I'm just saying you need to get in the shower when you get funky. But that's not a day. Bruce, please. Please. I'm thinking here. Open your heart. Open your heart.

You could argue that human pheromones actually are useful in terms of attracting a mate. So maybe you're washing away something that you need.

Well, not only that, but everything you do. I mean, like any animal in nature, you sort of produce something for a reason. I don't care whether you're a hippo and you produce some sort of sebum that goes on top of your skin or something turns out to block the sun out, or it's stops flies from stinging you. Right. Nature's not dumb. So whatever it is that we sort of oozes from our pores and goes into our hair or on top of our skin, it's not meant to be loofahed away with Axe Body shower shit every 20 minutes. Nature's not that stupid. It wouldn't do something that needs to be stripped away. And then when it comes to shampoo, you shampoo and then what do you do? Condition, which is essentially whatever you stripped away, you essentially just put back. Right? It's sort of the oil that you put back. Now, listen, I'm not saying don't take a shower. I'm saying there's people who shower twice a day.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The fuck's wrong with them? Well, here's the issue.

[Dr. Bruce]

First, I'm also curious whether this guy uses soap on the rest of his body or he just chooses not to use a shampoo.

[Adam Carolla]

I will let you in on this. During the summer season when I hit the pool, I don't shower for weeks. The pool is my shower.

That's your shower.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right. But the other issue is people from the time of birth are washed with soaps. It affects their skin chemistry, it affects their secretion. So if suddenly somebody stops using soaps.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. The other thing, it's the fucking chapstick and sunglass theory, which is you don't need sunglasses until you start wearing sunglasses. And then you need sunglasses. You can go through life without wearing sunglasses. And some people do it and they're fine. Put on a pair of Ray Bans and go around for a couple of weeks. Then leave them in your car and head out of the movie theater or whatever you need those. Chapstick. You can go your whole life without using Chapstick. Start using chapstick for a couple weeks, you'll be reaching for it every day.

There's a rebound effect with deodorant, right? If you stop using it, suddenly you really smell.

Let me say this. My goddamn wife takes that. Takes our kids and lubes them up like a butt plug every night. Takes tons and tons of the canned creams. The lotions rubbing all over Sunnytown. Oh, they got out of the shower, they need to be, they get out of the tub, they need the lotions and the lotion. I go, listen. They don't. And not only don't they need it, once it gets cut off, then they're gonna need it. I don't know, it's just like we're talking about Vicodin. I don't like to brag, but I've been told by many a lover that I have the softest skin they've ever felt. They always comment, oh you have such soft skin.

[Cousin Sal]

Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't use soap, I don't use lotions, I've never used anything that whole thing like your skin's going to break out. What the scrubbing your says you always smell nice. She says you never stink. And I, and I have soft skin and I don't use soap on my face, I don't touch anything with cream, I don't use any of. It's all a multi billion dollar scam for rich whitey. That's all it is.

Can I ask Dr. Bruce a question? A medical question or a biological question? What is the biological purpose of pubic hair? Because I read that it's really there to trap your natural scent. I mean it's actually there for a purpose.

[Dr. Bruce]

I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Why else would you have hair there?

Well, and your underarms as well. Yeah. Your essence, your pheromones and that's what

to attract a mate. But yet we like wax it and shave it and scrub it and put different scents on it and mask it.

Well that's what we're doing in life in general with everything. Shave your pubes, paint your face.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right. But with humans, cultural, you know, practices affect a lot of these things. The other thing is look at where if you have northern Europeans and their exposure to water and the sun and you have people living at the equator and their, their skin has developed more resilience and probably more oil production, et cetera, et cetera.

[Adam Carolla]

I am just some of these.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, I think you're actually ready.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a multi billion dollar year industry to convince everyone that they need to use this product on a daily basis. And then when they're done using the product to clean them, then they need to use another product to lubricate them. And there's another product in between that scrubs. It's really, it's like conditioner.

[Dr. Bruce]

Your hair doesn't absorb anything. So when they talk about all these proteins, your hair isn't absorbed.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all. If I have to hear Sarah Jessica Parker tell me Nutrice with profavoline in it one more time or Beautiful lean or some bullshit made up word. It's all bullshit. I see John Stossel once a year. He does the suave $2 shampoo against the fucking Pantene or whatever bullshit Sarah Jessica Parker's pedaling. And it's always the same. It's never as rare. Like the suave shit is always better by the way. You know it's going to be better. They wouldn't do the special, but it's always, you know, they don't do a hidden camera with transmission repair joints and find out that they're all just great business people. None of them gouge the elderly. You know what's coming. But the point is, is it's just a bunch of fragrance and a bunch of made up words and a bunch of bullshit. And when they say, you know, has B vitamin protein or whatever, how much protein you don't absorb B vitamins through your fucking head. It's nonsense. We're such idiots.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, there goes Procter and gambles.

[Adam Carolla]

Well as fuck them well.

And by the way, they screw women twice as hard because they charge them two, three, five times as much for the same shit they're selling men. Yeah, guys, do you know we're gonna buy it more.

I get one bottle of shampoo, lasts me seven years easily, maybe more. And then everyone does this thing where it's like, oh, that's so gross. Really, I'm not. I don't smell. I have to really fucking take a shower. Donnie's brother takes a shower twice a day. Day and uses tons of shampoo. He don't have hair on it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Not good for the hair.

[Adam Carolla]

He don't have hair on his head. Donnie's got a full fucking head of hair. And he lives like I do.

Brian, do you remember when you last used shampoo?

I don't remember what shampoo looks like. They still sell that in stores. I will say this, I like the sound it makes when it comes out. All right, all right.

[Dr. Bruce]

You know, I just had some great secondhand smoking. Mental health. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to hear that one.

[Dr. Bruce]

This is a study that individuals that are exposed to secondhand smoke are more likely to be hospitalized for mental illness. That's just to cut to the chase now. I just wanted to get your comments. Now the last time we talked about third hand smoke and I've had a

[Adam Carolla]

change, there's now third hand smoke.

[Dr. Bruce]

There is third hand smoke. The smoke that enters curtains, clothes. And after smoke goes through a substance and is deposited does have an effect, an adverse health effect, especially on children. So I can get behind that, but

[Adam Carolla]

can I say this? Yes. I dig the. Hey, you don't want your kids exposed to secondhand smoke or even third hand smoke. Except for we have city buses that just spew this black exhaust out the back of it when it's chugging up the on ramp. Every time I get in my car or take a walk, there's some asshole with a leaf blower just fucking blowing shit all over the fucking place. Are leaf blowers illegal in our leaf blowers? Illegal in the city of Los Angeles?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Then shut the fuck up about secondhand smoke because you don't give a shit. Do you give a shit about what's going on my kids lungs or not?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well then you get rid of the leaf blowers and you get rid of the municipal buses that shoot all the fucking diesel. We're working on shit. And you get rid of the flight patterns with the jets going right over the house and you get rid of all.

[Jeff Ross]

All.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a just a multitude of ways to get into my kids lungs. What's coming off their friends houses curtains is way the down the list compared to the leaf blower. I'd like to see where that worked out. I'd like to talk to a cardiologist or a pulmonary pulmonologist.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm concerned.

[Adam Carolla]

At least find out what the airborne particulates were versus the shit that's in the fucking curtain of the house that my kids. My kid's not the curtain. He's walking past the curtain, right? No, but that or the leaf blower,

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm concerned about both. And there's a move of the leaf

[Adam Carolla]

blower's got to be. The leaf blower's got to be on. On magnitudes worse. You're bringing in actual pieces. You're getting coal miners lungs. Leaf blowers are illegal in Santa Monica and restricted in.

[Dr. Bruce]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Restricted. What the does that mean? There's one. I passed by one on the way here. Listen, is coal mining legal?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what's worse, coal mining or secondhand or third hand smoke? Okay, well, I'm just saying it's not good for you. Neither's 1 million other things.

Sure. Like the BPA that's in a plastic bottle of water that you give your

[Dr. Bruce]

kid that leave that bottle out in the sun, you get higher. Bpa. Yeah, that's an issue.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

Why is that terrifying well, I'm not. That was in baby bottles.

Very recently in baby bottles, secondhand SM smoke and third hand smoke fall. Where on this list of things that can endanger your child? One, somewhere in the 1500 mark. Where is it?

Where are after peanuts?

Yeah, where is it more dangerous than peanut fibers?

[Dr. Bruce]

Again, why are we attacking Bruce patients I have that I see that are heavy smokers have a myriad of health care issues. There's one more reason not to smoke. That's all I'm bringing.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. And the people who smoke, smoke have health issues, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

But somebody that's smoking two packs a day in the house, they with the

[Adam Carolla]

garbage bag over their head with their kid.

Can you explain the third hand smoke? I don't think I understand what that

is trapped in things right in the curtain.

[Dr. Bruce]

In the curtain, in the pillowcase. It lays on the pillow.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's, here's my point in the

[Dr. Bruce]

hair that you don't want some of the synthetic substances.

[Adam Carolla]

We're officially out of problems. Officially by the time our kids will enjoy society with fifth and sixth hand smoke that they can argue about with their gay friends from Santa Monica. It's insane. There's so many bigger fish to fry than this. And the same fucking group that is complaining about third hand smoke is the ones that went like DDT pulled off the market so we can't eradicate these mosquitoes infected with fucking malaria. And half of half of the continent of Africa is falling, falling over dead. So fuck it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Can I.

[Adam Carolla]

This is an important thing. How old are your kids? Somewhere in the three to seven, right? Well, that's between three and seven. Okay, this is important.

[Dr. Bruce]

We found, this is a new study that shows that children cannot understand facial expressions of disgust until age five.

[Adam Carolla]

So when you're.

[Dr. Bruce]

When you're expressing that something's gross or disgusting, your facial expression is interpreted as anger. And I know in your household, you know, in a lot of expressive households you're thinking you're expressing something's gross or

[Adam Carolla]

disgusting, like wiping Natalia's poop. You're making like a gross face.

[Dr. Bruce]

You know, Adam is very expressive and I. So I just. I know such.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I look like kids. I don't communicate with them even to

make a disgusted face.

Listen, I had such a moment with Natalia today. Son Issa. Pussy. But Natasha, Natalia wanted out of her floaty, got into that pool naked and swam from the deep end all the way to the shallow end. Made the whole length of the pool all by her little self, just puffing and doing the doggy pedal as they call it. Popping the head up, putting the head down. Doing a little more. Popping the head up again. I swam right next to her the whole time to make sure nothing would happen. But she went the whole length of the. The pool. And then she wanted to know if daddy was proud of her. And I told her.

And then he said, let's celebrate with a smoke.

Yeah, put this trash can over your head. I'm gonna get in here. It's like the cone of silence. I'm gonna blow a few butts. What do you want, a fucking Nobel Peace prize? You made it to the end of the pool. Danny could do that drunk underwater. Yeah, while smoking.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, Teresa, you understand my concern here because say a kid is. You're thinking, you're expressing disgust.

[Cousin Sal]

Discuss.

[Dr. Bruce]

Say they're touching poop. Or they're doing something that is. Is gross but dangerous, sophisticated.

[Adam Carolla]

A facial expression. They can only read anger or.

What's this always been this way?

[Dr. Bruce]

This is a new finding.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a new finding, but it's always not new in humans, right? Yes. So we all grew up in a household where our parents didn't know about this.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, there's untold damage.

[Adam Carolla]

Ted Bundy.

[Dr. Bruce]

Look, I thought that was interesting. I thought it might prevent something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, okay, that's my whole point. We're all here. Secondhand smoke, third hand smoke, peanuts, peanut butter at school, facial expressions. Look at us, everybody. How the fuck did we survive? We drank tap water.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, wait a second, wait a second. Look at all the neurotic people out there. Look at all the individuals that are borderline personality disorders, crazy people in relationships. Just because there were abuse issues.

[Adam Carolla]

Better not be.

You have a good excuse though. You're an emergency room doctor.

[Dr. Bruce]

I see a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

This could actually be an emergency. But Dr. Bruce, to be fair, a lot of people think that the hover parents are creating more neurotic kids.

Of course. Which parents? Hover parents.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, no, no, it's not hovering. It's just having a better understanding of

[Adam Carolla]

the dynamics their life. And they have to take care of every little thing.

Fine. Yeah. Fucking. My wife has all these parenting magazines and it's like you see Halle Berry's on every cover and then every.

It's always, you know, 10 page feature on disgust face.

It's like Cookie Monster, friend or foe. And it's like. Oh, shut the. Who the fuck who's reading this shit? Jesus. Leave it alone. Just raise your goddamn kids and try not to have them be narcissists.

Well, it makes it so much less fun. But I was thinking about this because today's mother generally is somebody who had a career first. We didn't just come out of high school and have kids for her.

How would I know that?

Hence, we sometimes approach child rearing. Like, we did our jobs. We have to do it really well and be competitive about it.

How did I know?

Well, she wasn't like a high powered, you know, career.

Well, she was. She was on the fast track of people who locked themselves in a room and yelled freak out. She was, you know.

She did get her degree.

Yeah.

In the Chicano studies.

Yeah. Thirteen years at junior college later, she.

Many of my contemporaries, Dr. Bruce, they were work. They had serious careers and then they had a kid. And that's how they approach things, the way they approached, you know, going to court or, you know, teaching a college class. They want to do it well, they want to do it perfectly. They want to do research.

Yeah.

Makes it maybe less fun sometimes.

Yeah, I agree. Look, the point is, is I know that we don't need all this bullshit. It's the same way. I know that peanuts. And as I've said before, and there's the unintended circumstances or outcomes or consequences, which is, I'll bet you more kids go home sick from eating spoiled mayonnaise and bologna than are allergic to peanut butter.

Can your mayo go bad, like salmonella bad, or is that just po pork?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, absolutely, that can go bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Think about it. Tuna fish, everything. By the way, every other sandwich needs mayonnaise and it involves meat. It's not like, oh, we don't have peanut butter and jelly, so we'll have a nice tofu and banana sandwich. No, no, no. It's all some sort of deviled ham, some sort of beef, some sort of something. And it's not like the kids travel the fucking refrigerator stuff floats around the school bus in the middle of summer. You know what I'm saying?

You see food poisoning.

[Dr. Bruce]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Do you see a lot of food poisoning?

[Dr. Bruce]

Absolutely. And most of the time you just treat it as, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody gets food poisoning from peanut butter. You leave that out in the sun for 10 years, eat it, eat it with your hands, it's fine. So I bet you there's more cases

[Dr. Bruce]

of food poisoning than it's aflatoxins and related to peanuts. Fungus that grows in the peanuts. We're concerned about that long term.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so dangerous. Think about all those kids.

Do you see a lot of kids having nuts?

I see more foreign bodies. Parents turning their kids into hypochondriac. Pussies. Of course. Of course, everybody.

Bruce was telling me that the peanut is a perfect. It's the perfect choking mechanism for like a little kid.

Yeah.

Take a swallow that peanut hole and you're gonna have to peanut butter too.

[Dr. Bruce]

Peanut butter is a chokeable substance because you mix it with the bread, it gets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you just plug up that. You know, there's a great SNL skit where it was. It was Irvin Mainway, I think, and Mrs. Face and was like, consumer beat. Yeah. And he made like. He'd like. He made. He made Halloween costumes. That's one of our better sellers, Mrs. Face. That's called Johnny Invisible Pedestrian. And there was like. He had amusement park.

[Jeff Ross]

It was a black cloth.

[Adam Carolla]

It was very funny. But at the end, she'd lay into him and go, Mr. Main. Mr. Mainway, this is nothing but a sack filled with broken glass. You know, blah, blah, blah. And he'd go, you know what, Mrs. Face? You think this is dangerous, but let's face it. You could die in any number of ways. I could be driving my car and roll the window down and my tie blows up in my face and I choke. Ah. And he starts choking on his thigh. That's what I feel like we're turning into as a society. The peanut could choke him. The peanut butter could stick to the roof of his mouth and then his tongue could cleave to it and he could cut off his own air pipe. Yes, yes, yes. Except for the part where nothing ever happens and we're all fucking fine. We're just turning into big fat plus. Al Qaeda's right.

No. You know what is gonna happen? From what I understand? A new show here on the ACE Broadcast Network.

With who?

Dr. Bruce. Is this true?

Bruce got a show?

Well, probably you'll just talk during most of it and he'll sit there.

[Dr. Bruce]

I wouldn't say I have a show

[Adam Carolla]

with his studies ashamed part of the show.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, what's the name of the show gonna be?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you had the idea. I told it was too long and too lame.

What was your idea?

[Dr. Bruce]

So I've had anal sex and I've passed out.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it.

Yeah, look good on the marquee. I hate that drop.

[Dr. Bruce]

How can I destroy that forever?

[Adam Carolla]

So what happened? You had anal sex and then what happened?

I passed out.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't know. I don't remember that happening. I must have been in an alcoholic blackout couple times. The amyl nitrate must have just done me in. I was thinking a show titled the Science of Sex, Drugs, Cars and Guitars. Oh, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's the crickets? How's it feel now, bitch? I'm gonna do what you did to me. Huh? Here one time I asked you about that, and you. Sounds good, and you wandered off, and

[Dr. Bruce]

I was thinking, wow, okay, great. And then I asked you two months later, I don't remember telling you that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a little long.

The science of sex, drugs, cars and guitars.

It sort of.

[Dr. Bruce]

There we go.

[Adam Carolla]

It's too long. It's gonna make people think you're talking about sciences.

Science is science.

[Dr. Bruce]

We're so much more than Adam has. So much.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, though, I don't want to talk about. I. I don't want to talk to Skunk Baxter from. From the Doobie Brothers all day long. I want to talk.

[Dr. Bruce]

Have you ever talked to him?

[Adam Carolla]

See what I mean?

Are we booking him with Merle Norman?

Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. He's an interesting.

[Dr. Bruce]

I mean, he's got a tower clearance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's a guitar player from the Doobie Brothers, and I think he's like some kind of sheriff or something. No, no, no.

[Dr. Bruce]

He has a toxic.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

He's actually does a lot of consulting work for the government on missile defense. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, he was working as a spy for China Grove. He was.

Oh, really? What a fool. Believes so. So you guys will soon have a show where you take calls from people about their medical relationship slash drug concerns.

[Dr. Bruce]

Here's the. I bring forth interesting information in Adam reading the Bible.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

Dr. Chaucer, there's.

[Dr. Bruce]

Look at cell phones and brain cancer. What I'm seeing in the, er. Ecstasy. Testosterone for men, Tiger.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know. Testosterone for men. What about that? We talked about human growth hormones the other day. Yeah, I think.

Do you think Mel Gibson's on hd? Would that change his personality?

It's.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's really a travesty even allowing those tapes to be played.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Dr. Bruce]

Donnie told me to leave this thing on. I might get an emergency call, so that's.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be kind of exciting. Donnie, it was an emergency.

Hold on. Did Donnie tell you to leave that on?

[Dr. Bruce]

He did.

[Adam Carolla]

Donnie, why are you.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm shutting it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't be stupid, Donnie.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

You know. You know what Donnie does is he tries to do funny producers.

Oh, that was a bit.

Yes.

He was engineering a.

No, no, no. Please don't. Donnie, don't fucking do that. And I would normally yell more, but then you'd say, see? You yelled, and then it Was funny. Don't do what you think. Ignore your instincts, Donnie. Ignore all of your instincts and listen to me, please.

[Dr. Bruce]

Maybe I wasn't supposed to tell you that he told me to leave.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course you were. Wouldn't that mean to, like, not have started the podcast? Podcast, yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

This could last for a while, but

[Adam Carolla]

no, Donnie, you know what? I just fucking had this conversation with someone. Don't do that thing that you think you're doing. Don't do it. His phone going off is annoying. It's not helping anything. I didn't think he was gonna leave it on. Bruce and I joke all the time. But Bruce said you guys are gonna argue, right? What are you guys gonna argue about tonight? So I think Bruce is actually setting us up. Bruce, don't bring your phone in into this place where we do this podcast, okay?

[Dr. Bruce]

Next time I won't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Okay, so. Okay, Dick.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right, listen. So the idea is there's a wealth of information that's ratted out.

[Adam Carolla]

Donnie.

[Dr. Bruce]

There's a wealth of information that's interesting that your unique commentary, I think, would bring.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. That has nothing to do with cars or guitars. Well, I don't know how we're gonna top this. Right?

[Dr. Bruce]

I like that show. I love that guy. I think it's a matter of. It represents that it's not just medicine and health, that there's science involved.

[Adam Carolla]

Bruce calls him Mr. Saturday Night.

[Dr. Bruce]

My kids love that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they do now. Almost too exciting to. By the way, kids. I said something about Bruce's kids. Let me tell you the kind of arguments we get into at the Corolla house. I'm ordering pizza for the clan. That's my kids and Bruce's kids and everyone else. And by the way, as Mark from Sugar Ray asked me after a couple cocktails at Kimmel's house a few months ago, he said, since when does paying for everything count for nothing? When did that movement start? When did it start that the guy who fucking pays for everything gets little to no respect and about the same vote as everyone else gets? I think it's a societal thing, by the way, if you take. Take a look at it. We're moving into a time in our society where it's like, hey, 40% of the people pay 100% of the taxes. Fuck you, you should pay more, dickhead. That has now made its way into the household. But the guy who's buying the pizza, no thank you. No quarter from any of the folks he's buying the pizza for. But I said to Bruce's kids who are, you know, old enough to know. Libby's what, 14? 14. And what's his nose. Harpo is how old?

[Dr. Bruce]

10.

[Adam Carolla]

10, I said, hey, kids. Gonna order some pizza. What's your favorite pizza? Sure you don't have a favorite pizza? Come on, you're 10. You're 10 and 14. What do you like on your pizza? Come on, you got half a fucking. You know, you gotta have something. I'm not. I'll order whatever you want, but just tell me what you want on your pizza. Then, of course, Lynette gives me the hey, back off, and then I give her the really, I can't ask for. I just.

They just wanted to be. Not to mending. Because they were shy. Because.

What's up, Bruce? What's up? I like your kids, but you're 10 and 14. You don't have a fucking pepperoni or pineapple or whatever on a pizza. Is that. Aren't you bored?

Were they just being demure because somebody else was.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, they were being rude. They were rude. I was upset with them after that, but then. And then the pudding thing. Well, let's have some pudding. And the Adam's like, offering a pudding, and they're just like. They were angry. They were angry that.

[Adam Carolla]

What were they mad at?

I was like, hey, you guys want some pudding? We don't like pudding. I'm like, who the fuck doesn't like pudding? You're lucky Mr. Cosby's not here. He'd fucking go off on your ass. Please.

Or Mr. Baldwin. Rude little pig.

I'm just saying, what do you like on your pizza? I'm getting. We don't care. We don't know. Now I become obsessed with it. Tell me what your favorite pizza topping is. We don't have one. Really? I found.

Why didn't they have an answer?

And why is Lynette giving me shit when I'm giving your kid shit? And let me say this. Your kid should get shit because we live in a society where my wife is going, leave him alone. No, don't leave alone. What the fuck's wrong? What do you want on your pizza? Cause that's how life is. Your boss doesn't come in and. And go, hey, didn't get any work done. Sorry, Lee, I'm gonna leave you alone. No, they're gonna fucking shit. Can you. Right, right.

[Dr. Bruce]

I think we were supposed to go somewhere, and we didn't end up going. And I always expect them to. Like the time we were supposed to meet you at the zoo and you Just blew us off. And so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

So redirect good.

Yeah, there we go. Redirect good. But they were. What's their pizza topping? Their pizza topping.

[Dr. Bruce]

Plain pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't they say, wow, woo. Like life in the past. Like, how exotic. What the fuck? Who wants nothing on their pizza when you're 10?

[Dr. Bruce]

Because I'm from New York. That's the way I ate my pizza. It was like plain or pepperoni.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's fair. Yeah, you roll it up right?

Oh, man.

[Dr. Bruce]

I grew up in high school going

[Adam Carolla]

to stop at the subway station.

[Dr. Bruce]

You get your pizza, then you go home.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm done.

This is gonna be a great show, this car.

This is gonna be. We're not gonna get more.

[Dr. Bruce]

But you follow my mind mindset on this, all right? I mean, science, it's not just medicine.

[Adam Carolla]

I will listen to this show. You bring up interesting findings in the world of science. And he talks about your kids.

Kids are so broken. They don't know they can't spit out a pizza topic.

[Dr. Bruce]

They got. They got. They got punished for that too.

[Adam Carolla]

I should have put some. And since then they've been more sociable.

[Cousin Sal]

But how about.

[Adam Carolla]

What? What, they don't like pudding? Was that it? No, no.

[Dr. Bruce]

They were pissed at me and they. They were gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

Taking it out on my pudding.

They register their disapproval through pudding.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's how comfortable they are with Uncle Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll be back. Life in the fast life. I didn't get to talk about all my stuff.

[Dr. Bruce]

How about the choking game? No. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Choke on some pudding ass wife. All right. I want to thank Dr. Bruce for coming in here. Go down to Loma Linda and go see if you can get some Norco.

My back hurts a lot, Doctor, by the way. I. And I have insomnia and neck tension. Am I getting close?

[Dr. Bruce]

I think I want to thanks Paul

[Adam Carolla]

Brian for doing a great job and Teresa Strasser. And so until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying mahalo. And now, Stitcher Radio presents your Adam Carolla Extra. Well, we have a guest for today's Stitcher Extra moment, which is Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce has a whole bunch of material that he never got to, and I told him to pick out a good one for our little Stitcher Extra. So what do you got there, Dr. Bruce?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, this is a diagnosis that I just made in the last few days.

[Adam Carolla]

Proctalgia fugax. What?

[Dr. Bruce]

Proctalgia fugax. Sudden onset of rectal pain.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Dr. Bruce]

And this is a. You know, some of my younger colleagues Are stump.

[Adam Carolla]

I get that when I see the view.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, it's got, it's. No one understands the cause of it. And it's most common in 30 plus year old males.

[Adam Carolla]

Literal pain in the ass.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's actually a severe. It's almost like severe muscle. If you've had a charley horse. You've ever had muscle spasm anywhere else. It's that occurring in your anal sphincter?

[Adam Carolla]

Charlie asks. I think I've had that before. Feels pretty bad.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's probably 10% of the population has had this happen. But it brings individuals into the error. And how do you explain that to the triage nurse?

[Adam Carolla]

Sort of like, well my ass is on fire. Feel like Mike Tyson punched me in my third eye basically.

[Dr. Bruce]

And it. By the time you get there, it's gone. And so you're having to explain why I have this horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

I've.

[Dr. Bruce]

I've had individuals come in on a gurney that developed a syndrome.

[Adam Carolla]

What is it called again?

[Dr. Bruce]

Proctalgia. Fujax.

[Adam Carolla]

So fujax sudden. Sudden is fu.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, yeah. And proctology. So anal pain sudden. So it's sudden onset of rectal pain. So a percentage of your faithful listener and audience has experienced this.

[Adam Carolla]

But a chick, Lauren Hill in the Food Jacks. That's a different way thinking of. So they're pretty good. Back in the day.

[Dr. Bruce]

I think that was Fujis.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. I don't know what the.

[Dr. Bruce]

What the origin of that was. Yeah. So this is something that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I said, you diagnosed this or you made it up?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, no, I actually had a guy come in with this in the last week and it's somebody. By the time they get there, they've usually had more than one episode and they're extremely concerned. And of course there are things you have to give your rectal exam. Make sure it's not cancer. Make sure it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you do a rectal exam on a guy? Like I feel like even, even when my rectum is 100%, I still feel like I might. I could snap a number two pencil if you tried to get it halfway up there. You know what I mean? Like I feel like there's a. There's a. There's the pucker factor. How does one. Is it like putting your finger in a sea anemone and it just closes up around you?

[Dr. Bruce]

That's a good analogy actually.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean by the way, when the guy's having trouble down there, the last thing he wants is you're greasy finger.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, by the time they get there, the Trouble is passed and then they are having to explain something that came on suddenly that's no longer, no longer there.

[Adam Carolla]

And do you ever have fun with the guys? Like you should, like, you go, all right, time for the rectal exam. And you pull on the glove. Right, right. And then you, you let him see, you let him see, you know, doused your hand, your finger with some nice, nice copious amount of water soluble lube. And then for fun, for fun, I would just have a bucket that said broken glass. And I'd show them dunking my hand into that, you know, sort of like a globe trotter's move. There's really nothing in there, but it'd be funny. So if you took all the time and lubed up the hand and got the big glossy hand of lube and this showed right in or something, a bucket that said like hot sand or something like that. Yeah, well, that'd be good. Right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Here's where I think that would be great, great. Except things even in this article at the end they have a medical legal note and where things have gone to and everything's so politically correct that they're, they're giving you advice. And this is, you know, a lot of individuals that read this are in training, but medical legal note, when examining the anal genital area, ensure that the patient is fully informed about what to expect and the reason why the exam is necessary.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Because they don't want you just getting your kicks. Like he comes in and goes, I got a sore throat, doc. And you go, hold on, let me check your anus first.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it's like the medical student that was doing breast exams every day for his examination of the patient with a heart problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

You know, you can get in trouble, but I mean, it's such a different day and age. Do not assume that because you are the same sex as the patient that a chaperone is not needed.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, these are things that went up.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not going to say how long ago I changed.

[Adam Carolla]

But listen, what you're saying is this the lawyers one more time rearing the ugly head and in your rear this time ironically. And they're all over the place. They're on every car commercial. Warning, closed track, professional driver, do not attempt. It's all sort of no shit meets no duh meets who gives a fuck. But the medical world must be just fucking, just dripping with attorneys and talk and malpractice and how much, how much of what goes on in a hospital is malpractice or it goes toward malpractice insurance or what have you. I mean, I've heard doctors say some of these guys with private practices pay 100 grand a year in malpractice insurance.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, easily. I mean, some of the specialties, obgyns, neurosurgeons, they're guaranteed to have lawsuits every year. I mean, even if you're doing absolutely pristine medicine. And it's, it's gotten to the point where many organizations are going self insured and they're putting the, putting the premiums into a.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this is getting boring. But either way, tort and ass reform. Thank you. That was your Adam Carolla Extra on Stitcher Radio. Stitcher Radio presents your Adam Corolla Extra. All right, another stitcher bonus moment with Dr. Bruce. The Dr. Bruce. What new and exciting article did you bring us today? Well, this is a. Don't put your hand on your mic, goofball.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay. This is a study which is currently still going on, called the Open Door.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have a beard. What are you scratching? I mean, the guys with a beard stroke their beard. You got nothing. You barely have pubes. What are you going for?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, I thought it was sort of

[Adam Carolla]

a science, dignity, back in the day when we were. Were sailing the seven seas. Elder statesman, punch your mic there. You have nothing on your chin.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, so this is something called the Open Notes project. It's ongoing and it's letting patients read their doctor's notes. I don't think it's a good idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Meaning notes on the patient.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, everything. Everything is now at least where I'm at. And the place that I'm at is a national model for computerized digital medical record. So you can easily. Right now, they're allowing patients to access more and more of the medical record on their desk at home, from their computer, from their laptop.

[Adam Carolla]

So in their notes that you make about a patient that sometimes you don't need them knowing because it's not. It's, in a way, there's a little bit of a principal student relationship on occasion. Yeah, well, yeah, yes, absolutely. And I mean, you know, there's some troubled stuff. Students, they're not all a students. Right. And there may be some of them that may, you may think, have a dependency on some substance or something like that or.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, but this is even psychiatric notes. I mean, you can imagine that it just flies in the face of just common sense. Some of these things. It's this political.

[Adam Carolla]

Who has made this horrible suggestion? Is it the ACLU or who wants. Who wants this kind of transparent transparency air. Is it, is it the attorneys, Is it the insurance companies? I don't.

[Dr. Bruce]

This is, this study was published in the Annals of Internal Medicine. I don't really, I don't really know.

[Adam Carolla]

And so how did it come out?

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it's still ongoing and they're just getting feedback from patients, from doctors on, on how viable it is. But I think that the, it's just, just like Freedom of Information Act. It's just like how much information do we put out there? And one of the issues right now with the Internet is.

[Adam Carolla]

But once you, once you know that your exam notes or just your patient notes are going to be open to scrutiny, then you're going to alter your notes and thus you're not going to put the kind of information that you would normally put on that information the same way you would alter anything that you knew was going to be examined.

[Dr. Bruce]

Not, not ideally, but I think in reality certainly.

[Adam Carolla]

What kind of notes would you make about a patient? Super sexy hot ass.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, but here's they of course on the blogs I was reading some of them.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, what would be a kind of a note that you've made in the past? We're not mentioning any names so you can say that, but a note that you made in the past about a patient that you probably wouldn't want them seeing.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, I had a patient last week that came in by ambulance that was belligerent, that was, was angry, that was demanding.

[Adam Carolla]

And one of your patients as a drunken Mexican.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, it wasn't a drunken individual. Somebody that came in that was. There are certain, even descriptions. It's like we use the term well nourished.

[Adam Carolla]

And that means fat.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, it means nor. That's a normal description. And there was feedback for this project and people were so upset, their doctor described them as well, nurse.

[Adam Carolla]

So they think that meant they're calling them facts. Fat. Right. And then. So they don't understand the lingo. Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

And that's what just. So it's going to even affect routine practice in terms of how you document on patients. But I think looking at what a doctor experiences on a day to day basis, this is. There's more, it's more and more invasive in terms of. There should be, there should be Claire, there should be openness about what your doctor is doing and thinking. But at some point, I think like what you're bringing up, it does affect the practice of the medicine and the quality of care. Somebody gets it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think I have a doctor by the way.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm Your doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's time. I'm not that family doctor. Get the snake. All right, Bruce, I think you said something, and I'm not sure what it was, but I'm falling asleep, so. Okay, let's, let's. Let's call this one a ramp. You scratch your chin. I'm thinking.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm thinking I'm looking pretty smart.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll go to the car. That was your Adam Carolla extra on Stitcher Radio. Every week, Stitcher will draw the name of one listener to win their choice of an iPhone 4.0, Android or Palm Pre. Email to Adam Stitcher.com for a chance to win. Winners will be announced on Mondays. All right, that was Adam Colishow 366 from 2010. Come up next, we have Adam Colishow 460. This one's from December of 2010. It's a football Sunday episode featuring Jeff Ross and cousin Sal. Hope you guys enjoy. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free.

Truth isn't.

It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe, Arrow, the 100, and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now. Pay never. Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. Are also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there. Mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer. But my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online, so you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free, and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right, Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. And that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. You're listening to the Ace Broadcasting Network. Sunday is a day to worship, worship the gods of the gridiron. Heroes with names like Manning, Favre, Unitas, and Bradshaw. Then there are the other heroes, the ones who get shit faced and eat buffalo wings while watching those heroes, men with names like Corolla, Simmons, Damoshek, and cousin Sal. Every Sunday, these and other luminaries gather at Happy ending in Hollywood. And every Monday you will hear of their exploits with special guest, the roastmaster general, Jeff Ross. This is the Adam Carolla show. Yeah, get it on, got to get it on. No choice but to get it on mandate. Get it on. And welcome to Happy Endings. Our dear, dear friend Jeffrey Ross is our guest and of course cousin Sal from Jimmy Kimmel live as well. Thank you. A couple things as we sit here and watch the end of the football games. Jeff Ross, his book, by the way, I Only Roast the ones I love, out now on paperback as we speak. A great stocking stuffer. Let me say this just moments before the show started. Our warm up performer, Don Barris told everyone not to shout out and bother me. We just got back from the road. We're. We're in Fresno at. The hell were we? Kukaroo Chicken? Donnie, how were we? El Pollo Loco? Only the best. We're at a Pollo Loco in Fresno, by the way. Anyone from Fresno? Good. Bombs away. It's fucking horrible. And we're at a Pollo Loco in Fresno and this woman came up to me and said, I'm so sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. I know you hate people, but could I just take a quick picture? And I thought, really, Is that the message? I know that's what I'm thinking all the time, but if you're really reading it, I have that bad of a poker face come up. I know you hate people. By the way, if you're so aware of my hatred for humanity, why are you fucking getting your flip camera out right now?

[Cousin Sal]

The best is when you're eating and people are like, I don't want to be rude, I know you're eating, but can I have a picture? It's like, how about when I'm done? They wait till they're done to ask you for a picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, there's the one drunken fan who doesn't quite know what he wants, which is this one. You guys must have experienced this. We're now, we finished the show in Fresno, right? Mike August. It's a Great crowd, sold out theater, great show. Stay afterwards, sign books for an hour. Sign everything. Take pictures with everyone. As we leave, there's three guys waiting in the parking lot. And the one guy's like, hey, man, you're an inspiration. I'm starting my own pool building business because of you. And I'm going with my contractor's license because of you. And this, that, and the other. And then his buddies are like, standing. We take a picture and I sign a couple Hammer DVDs. I give it back to him and I go, all right, well, we're going to go back to the hotel. Oh, so that's how it is. That's it. So that's what it is. And I said, oh, listen, thanks. We'll take a picture. And then he hands me his CDs again. And I said, no, I already signed the DVDs for you. And he goes, oh, all right. And I go, all right, well, we're going to get back to the hotel. Okay, that's how it's going. I'm like, what do you want to do? Butt fuck in a dumpster? Like, Mike, am I lying? Like, I just kept telling the guy, look, I took the pictures, I signed the thing. We shook the hands. I said, thank you. Now we're gonna leave. Oh, that's how it's gonna be.

[Jeff Ross]

There's about five of those guys here

[Cousin Sal]

today, and Mike August is gonna butt him in the dumpster.

[Adam Carolla]

Watch the language, chef. Okay. We really. We don't run that kind of show here. So that when you're roasts. Speaking of the roast. Yeah. You just did one for the. At the Friars Club, but a non airing roast, like a private.

[Cousin Sal]

A charity Friars Club, private roast of the movie director Quentin Tarantino.

[Adam Carolla]

And how did that go?

[Cousin Sal]

It was epic.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard Stern talking about it, but I mean, I could only. I mean, the ones that air on Comedy Central are filthy as hell. I could only imagine. I mean, after they cleaned them up a little bit, I can only imagine what the behind the curtain, closed doors ones.

[Cousin Sal]

Samuel L. Jackson was the mc. I said, I called him Denzel washed up. I made fun of snakes on a plane, you know, and he's very intimidating. He's like, right next to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Cousin Sal]

And all his shitty movies he's been. I said. I said, sam Jackson, you need to start saying the nword more. And the NW is no. I said, lauren Fishburne daughter makes more discerning film choices. But Tarantino was a good sport. He was really psyched to be roasted. I said, we're roasting you for a good cause. Cause you're insufferable.

[Adam Carolla]

How's his hair? Is his hair going nutty?

[Cousin Sal]

You know, he's a director, so I don't think he thinks too much about his appearance, obviously, but he's a very, very ugly person.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm going to, I'm going to tell. I'm going to tell my son, like if he notices early on that his hair's going nutty or male pattern baldness or anything like in his 20s, start directing. Because then I want to just leave you alone immediately with the hair.

[Cousin Sal]

I told Tarantino that he's the only movie director in history who actresses him and then they turn down the role.

[Jeff Ross]

I can't tell you how happy I am to be hearing these jokes a fourth time today. Jeff and I, we watch the game. No, I love them.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying It's a YouTube.

[Cousin Sal]

You're just jealous.

[Adam Carolla]

You two had a famous. Well, a little rift because of the whole Dancing with the Stars thing.

[Cousin Sal]

We're past it.

[Adam Carolla]

But you passed it actually behind you.

[Jeff Ross]

Made worse by your radio show way back when.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it. Was that my fault?

[Jeff Ross]

Apologize. But I think. I think he's ready now.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a little something called pride. Gay pride.

[Cousin Sal]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I just got back and we. We just got back. We had a surreal experience from Vegas and something we didn't know about, which is we took off from Las Vegas. Now this is Sunday evening. We took off. We had a 7:30 flight out of McCarran which meant we're going to meet in the lobby at 6:15. And what we didn't know is that there was a marathon where they shut down the strip and there's 25,000 runners. And it was the weirdest. It was a surreal moment because we did the. Did the House of Blues. I say we. I don't mean sound like a dick, but me, Donnie and Mike, House of Blues on, well, the Wee wee Wee. I hate that celebrity. But did the House of Blues that night, last night, Saturday night, signed some books. Nice place, good people. Did a couple interviews. Got back the room about 12:30, rubbed one out, went to bed about 1:30, got up at 5:45 and started down the hall with that. Your eyes are hurting. You haven't slept enough. And saw two people in full running gear. Like the only thing worse than being hungover and being on 3 hours and 45 minutes sleep is to see that couple, that fucking couple that's already swam in Vegas. In Vegas with like the leg warmers and the matching spandex and the whole. The sweatbands. And they're coming right down the hall with me. And I just thought, you, you're in Vegas. It's literally 6am It's Sunday. Where are you going? And I got into an elevator and there was 15 doppelgangers of theirs there. And then we spilled out in the lobby and the entire place was filled with runners. And they're doing a goddamn marathon.

[Jeff Ross]

And you said to them, oh, this is how it is.

[Adam Carolla]

This is how it is.

[Cousin Sal]

You don't hear.

[Adam Carolla]

Shouldn't have marathons. They should have rib eating contests. They should have like, like slot pulling marathons. Or see so many packs of cigarettes you can get through in 24 hours. They shouldn't be. No one wants.

[Cousin Sal]

There were.

[Adam Carolla]

I guarantee there were people walking back from that casino broke, hung over, spend their last 18 bucks on a handy out in an alley somewhere, staggering back to the. The wreckage of their life, and had to pass a bunch of couples getting ready to go out for a 26 mile run. Yeah, it's not in Vegas.

[Cousin Sal]

The room is so far from the front desk. Maybe they were just dressed like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. They closed off the entire street and then we couldn't make it to the airport. That's the other.

[Cousin Sal]

Think about why were you leaving Vegas at 7 in the morning?

[Adam Carolla]

Because I had to be in Pomona to shoot something at 1 this afternoon.

[Cousin Sal]

You need to start saying the N

[Adam Carolla]

word more, by the way.

[Jeff Ross]

The marathoners are saying, who the hell goes to Pomona from Vegas at 7 in the morning?

[Adam Carolla]

You do not want to see.

[Cousin Sal]

Look at this.

[Adam Carolla]

The people at the Pomona Swap meet on a Sunday. It is the scariest people on the planet.

[Cousin Sal]

What were you shooting?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm doing a car show for speed. The Speed Channel or something like that. And then. Oh, scary. All right, so. Hey, Jeff, you were just showing me pictures of Snooki off. Off camera, off mic.

[Cousin Sal]

I did the USO salutes the Divas live. It's on this Week on VH1. And the cast of Jersey Shore was there. So I lifted up my shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

What are we doing?

[Cousin Sal]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember it used to be Bob Hope and Bing Crosby and Connie Stevens announce a bunch of whores with spray on top of pan who probably pronounce it uso. I'm doing some USO benefit.

[Cousin Sal]

They love seeing Snookies.

[Adam Carolla]

What do they do?

[Cousin Sal]

They're. They're trained to jump on grenades.

[Adam Carolla]

She's the world's fattest spinner. She's not even a spinner. She's like a five, eight, this five, eight around.

[Cousin Sal]

And she definitely wanted to come back to my hotel room.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Cousin Sal]

I couldn't get with that.

[Jeff Ross]

How did that. I got to hear.

[Cousin Sal]

How did that work?

[Jeff Ross]

I think you're lying.

[Cousin Sal]

I was doing my show, you know, it was like 15,000 Marines, and I did a bit where I lift my shirt up and show off my abs. I've been working out, and just as I do it, the situation comes out and starts making fun of my abs. I called it the situation, and I was the saturation. And then Snooki, for whatever reason, liked that I was, like, ballsing and making fun of everybody in the Marines and I was doing jokes on camera. Katy Perry, who was on right before me, and for whatever reason.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you mean, whatever reason? You're a successful attractive. You're successful. You're a successful stand up comedian, and she's a whore. What do you mean, for what reason?

[Jeff Ross]

Hold on, I'm gonna play devil's advocate. You lifted your shirt, and this girl who goes after nothing but juice head gorillas has. I gotta have that.

[Cousin Sal]

She was ready to party. Nookie wanted some nookie.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe she wanted a little palate cleanser from all the guys that were in great shape. You know what I mean? Yeah, like a little sprig of parsley. You'd be a fat sprig of parsley.

[Cousin Sal]

No, but I mean, this is what America's fighting for, these Marines, so we could have the Jersey Shore cast entertain them.

[Adam Carolla]

So what did. What did she say?

[Cousin Sal]

She was just like, we're going to Voyeur or some cool club in San Diego. I was like, I'm waiting for you. And I was like, wow. All right, I'm coming, I'm coming. And then I was like on my way to the car, and I was like, what am I. I'm not gonna go do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Won't you want to tell your grandkids? Who? Snooki?

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, you're probably right. What if I knocked her up and I had a little Oompa Loompa?

[Jeff Ross]

This did not happen. So let's. Let's move on to the next one.

[Cousin Sal]

It would have been bad, but Katy Perry introduced me, and that was really fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Fun. How is she in person?

[Cousin Sal]

Very beautiful. She has a very strict policy with the soldiers. Don't ask, don't beg. She's very.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, laugh it up.

[Cousin Sal]

My opening joke was, you know, she kissed a girl, right? And her name is Russell Brand. It was fun. I was the only male diva on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Now where was this? This, except for Cher, this in Sandy. Is this like El Toro or where

[Cousin Sal]

this is at Miramar Air Base in the San Diego.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They may have filmed some of Top Gun there.

[Cousin Sal]

They did. They shot Top Gun there. Good call.

[Jeff Ross]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

It's very gay of me to know that. Wasn't it? Jeff, as. As I've mentioned, has himself a book out on paperback only. Roast the ones I love. And of course, cousin Sal from Jimmy Kimmel Live. Jimmy, I mean, by the way, I

[Cousin Sal]

break that in the book. My whole thing with Sal, that's my

[Jeff Ross]

claim to fame, being featured in Jeff's book about the war we had.

[Cousin Sal]

But yeah, there's a picture of me s and Tom Cruise.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, from Jimmy's house.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. Yeah, that's that legendary day. We break it down pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's try to figure Tom Cruise out. We. We like him.

[Jeff Ross]

I like him.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's something weird about him, right?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He shows up to Jimmy's at. Okay, now tell me if I'm exaggerating. I was pretty drunk. But tell me, because you know what it was is Jimmy used to. His old house was within walking distance of my house. So imagine if you were at a place with a kegerator. There was unlimited booze and you could then walk home. I mean, and you liked booze. And it was Sunday, like, and all

[Cousin Sal]

your friends are there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

It's unlimited booze potential. So I was pretty shit faced, but he said he'd come over and watch some fun football with the fellas. He showed up with his mom and cupcakes. And cupcakes. Which is his gay buddy. No, with the sprinkles. Cupcake shows up with cupcakes and his mom at 3. 51.

[Jeff Ross]

I was gonna say 45. 45, yeah, take it.

[Adam Carolla]

3, 4. I mean, with less on the clock. Less than two minutes left in the late game.

[Jeff Ross]

Well into the fourth quarter of the late game.

[Adam Carolla]

If we're on the east coast coast, we could forgive him. But there was. There was two games.

[Jeff Ross]

Dallas Cowboys winning overtime.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there were two games. We're going to the Super Bowl. This was the second game. We're going. The second game was over and he showed up to watch something that was over. He had a window of about nine hours.

[Cousin Sal]

Also. It was also Christmas week. And he was like making an appearance. He was, he was making an appearance. He was bringing some goodwill.

[Adam Carolla]

Now he brought cupcakes, which by the way, when did this become acceptable? Got guys bringing cupcakes, action heroes bringing cupcakes to straight talk show hosts, late night guys. Imagine, like if, just if Steve McQueen, do you think he'd go to Johnny Carson's yacht and bring him cupcakes? Bring him whores and brandy and stuff. I got some cupcakes. Imagine Johnny Carson just smacked him with his tennis rack and put a cigarette out him. Is that how it works? Cupcakes with his mom. Hi, I'm Steve McQueen. This is Eunice McQueen. My mom. Here, accept these cupcakes. This is awesome.

[Jeff Ross]

But I. I have to think that the publicist got involved somewhere and said,

[Adam Carolla]

you know, bring something.

[Jeff Ross]

It wouldn't hurt. No, if just to show up, show up. It'll get out there that you watch football at Kimmel's with.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't bring your mom and cupcakes.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, they got some signals crossed along the way.

[Cousin Sal]

He showed up. It was like he had just done the show. He had bonded with Jimmy. They exchanged Christmas gifts. Jimmy invited him over. He said, okay. He made an appearance with his mom. I think it's very sweet and very all American.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, it was. It was nice. He seems like a very nice guy. But the cupcake thing, and then, you know, bringing the mom. And then at some point, someone asked him if he wanted a beer, and he said, just water. And again, the move is, you know, first off, he had a driver, so, you know, double up on the booze. But if you're trying to be one of the guys, leave the cupcakes in the car, leave mom in the car, come up and go, yeah, I could use a cold one. Get the beer, crack it, and just hold it in your hand, right? You know, sort of a photo op thing. He's just drinking stream water with his mom and dad. Jimmy's in the cupcake at Jimmy's house. And then at a certain point, I got drunk and I did my touchdown dance. I made him pass me the ball.

[Cousin Sal]

And then Sal, who hasn't talked to me in four months, sits down next to me, whispers in my ear, maybe we should let Tom Cruise figure out our argument once and for all.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And he was the real quick.

[Jeff Ross]

What was the argument? Just for a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Larry Miller]

Just.

[Cousin Sal]

I was on Dancing with the Stars, and you texted me right before the result show saying I was safe because you're an ABC employee. I assumed you were telling me the truth. I'd worked five weeks on my cha cha cha, which was more ha ha ha cha cha cha. And I was feeling, like, very vulnerable. I wanted to win the show.

[Jeff Ross]

And then they narrow it down to two couples it was you and Kardashian, Kim.

[Cousin Sal]

Kardashian.

[Jeff Ross]

And Jeff is really confident, based on my proclamation, that he's Tom Dergerain's like,

[Cousin Sal]

well, find out who's going to the next round and who's going home right after this. I'm stretching. I know I'm safe. I'm ready to dance my next dance. And then they eliminated me. And you can see me mouthing far.

[Jeff Ross]

But I did text you. I said, dude, I'm sorry. I fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Jeff Ross]

That's gotta count for something.

[Cousin Sal]

So I was very hurt and rubbed it in.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it better that way? Like, let's just say you had a foreskin, right? And somebody said, listen, Monday at noon, we're gonna remove it. Wouldn't it ruin your weekend? Wouldn't you rather. You think you're not gonna have. And then wake up, there's cousin Sal standing there with a dental instrument or something. You know what I mean?

[Jeff Ross]

I was being a buddy.

[Cousin Sal]

I know I wasn't prepared for my closing speech, you know.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, I could have helped you with that.

[Cousin Sal]

I wasn't. I was thrown off my game on national television.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. No one watches that show. Deep cable.

[Cousin Sal]

So I wound up getting the lowest score in the show's. I got. I actually almost got voted off during Jeopardy, which was on before Dancing with the Stars.

[Jeff Ross]

That's why they shouldn't have surprised you.

[Cousin Sal]

Christopher Reeve did a wheelie, thought of his true cherry, got a higher score than me, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

So then Heather Mills's fake leg flew off. She got a higher score than me.

[Jeff Ross]

None of this is true.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a little bad. Little bad blood. Then. Then Jeff, who. You wouldn't know it because he's the. The king of the roast, but is. Is sensitive and has a fairly. Oh, my God. And, you know, he got angry at cousin Sal, and then. You can't do that, because then that's just. That's just stoking the fire at that point.

[Cousin Sal]

In the end, Tom Cruise declared that you should apologize. It took Sal three tries. I think he said the words I'm sorry together.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, wait a minute now. I think he said you guys should apologize to each other.

[Cousin Sal]

No, that's not what happened. No, no.

[Jeff Ross]

August, you were there.

[Adam Carolla]

What? No, I think that's what he said.

[Jeff Ross]

All right, But I had apologized. I sent you cigars for Christmas, and you were just being a dick about it. See, this is going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all right, see, let's not start this argument again.

[Cousin Sal]

I thought Tom Cruise, who's played so many righteous Lawyers.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

Came down with the verdict. And the point is, what happened, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Is important. I mean, you two are both spokes. And the Jimmy Kimmel wheel, where Jimmy plays the role of the hub and. And the rim and the tire. Actually, it's got more than just one wheel roll. And you two not getting along was not going to work for the real length of time. It was uncomfortable for everyone.

[Cousin Sal]

No, when. When Jimmy's brother started siding with me and everybody else, Sal realized his own blood.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I was at the hotel. We. We stayed at the hotel. We're at the Mandalay Bay, Mike. Yeah, I was at the hotel. Speaking of Jimmy's brothers, I was walking down. We did one of these things where I had a suite, which is awesome, but it's one of those things where you look down the hallway, and it, like, looks. Looks CGI'd. And then you start walking toward the suite, which is at the end of the hallway, and you think you're on a treadmill and people are just moving wallpaper by your head.

[Cousin Sal]

Stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, an hour and a half later, you get there. There should be a rest stop somewhere. Somewhere in the middle where you can rehydrate, but it's great. You got the best room on the joint, except for it's 250 yards away from the elevator.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So one year, I think it was about. Was about seven, eight years ago, I was walking down the. That same hall with John Kimmel, Jimmy's younger brother. And he was drunk, but not this drunk. He said, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna close my eyes, and I'm gonna run forward and see how far down this hole I can get. And I was like, all right. And I didn't really think he was gonna do it. And I just stood there and watched his forehead collide with the corner bead, the metal corner bead that they put on the drywall wall. Like, you know, there's the hallway, and the door's not right on the hall. The door set in about 3, 4ft. He did not put his hands in front of him. He did not slow down. He put his forehead directly into the corner bead. He just ran right into it head first and split it wide open and went to the emergency room and got stitches.

[Cousin Sal]

Really?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. This is who took Jeff's side in our battle.

[Adam Carolla]

Man with brain damage. By the way, how good was your brain before the collision?

[Dr. Bruce]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

You thought, hey, I'm going to close my eyes and run down this hallway now. They make contact.

[Cousin Sal]

How far did he get?

[Adam Carolla]

He got about a door and a half. He didn't get that far. He immediately.

[Jeff Ross]

No, but he started pulling to the right of fat. He had some speed.

[Adam Carolla]

He was moving.

[Larry Miller]

He was moving.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he moved. He was going. Pulling to the right. And I was standing there wondering if I should say, hey, oh, you know, I realized he want me holding.

[Jeff Ross]

Was he one of the marathoners?

[Adam Carolla]

You think he could have. He put his head split it right open. And I was laughing with Mike about that as we're walking down the endless hall last night. Then he said, yeah, cousin Sal, too. Got the nail in the forehead over at Jimmy Kimmel line.

[Jeff Ross]

I was back in my pillow fighting days. I pillow fought Goldberg, who was a

[Adam Carolla]

guest on Right now back in the day. The guys would come on and you do it with the Goldberg, I don't

[Jeff Ross]

know, 10 Tyson, Steve Austin, Lennox Lewis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Lennox Lewis was there, and you'd come out, challenged him to a pillow fight.

[Jeff Ross]

And I could hold my own in a pillow fight. I don't know. Down, up, and I'm good for a minute or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Your opponents rarely give a. I think it's part of you taking it very seriously. And them not trying, I think is part of it.

[Jeff Ross]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You ran backstage, like, went behind the curtain or something.

[Jeff Ross]

I got a cheap shot in at the end, and I. I tried to run away, and Goldberg grabbed my shirt, much like they would in wrestling, and tore my t shirt off. And my momentum took me into a curtain backstage, which right behind the curtain was a nail that stuck right in my forehead.

[Cousin Sal]

Could a blind.

[Adam Carolla]

Why was there a nail sticking out? I mean, it was really like. It was one of those kind of things that when you went and looked at it and then someone explained what happened, you went.

[Cousin Sal]

Your balls hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, you went like, ow, Ow. Wow. It was like.

[Jeff Ross]

It made no sense.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like somebody shot a framing nail through something there. You know, some stairs or something. Maybe the ones Ralphie May took a dime on and it was sticking through, and there's just a curtain right in front of it, and you just literally just whacked your bare forehead on it.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, Ross said I was safe and that I should run in that direction.

[Adam Carolla]

Never should have trusted how many. How many stitches you end up with.

[Jeff Ross]

It was like 12 stitches or something.

[Cousin Sal]

To make a long story short, I fucked Snooki last night.

[Adam Carolla]

So now, Jeff, what. What's your life like? You have a girlfriend.

[Cousin Sal]

What's the plan out there in the dating world?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

Out there on the road right now telling jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. What's, what's the. I mean ultimately, marriage, kids, what's the plan?

[Cousin Sal]

Abortions.

[Adam Carolla]

Abortions. I mean, I know your, your parents are. They were together for a long time.

[Cousin Sal]

Still together right now. They die when I was a teenager.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it.

[Cousin Sal]

We've known each other.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought your dad had the catering joint.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, all right, well, you know, he did something before he died.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I thought your mom died when you were, when you were young.

[Cousin Sal]

She died when I was 14.

[Adam Carolla]

14.

[Cousin Sal]

My dad died when I was 19.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, this is the best.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Cousin Sal]

A few years ago, but you know, I just.

[Adam Carolla]

But they were deeply in love when they died.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, I guess so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, what's the deal with you?

[Jeff Ross]

Why, why are you still alive?

[Cousin Sal]

These things make you hard. They make you afraid to. These incidents harden you for life. They make you afraid to be in love again.

[Adam Carolla]

How about my theory? My, my comedy?

[Cousin Sal]

Everyone I care about either either dies or fucks with me on Dancing with the Star.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Yeah, I like that.

[Cousin Sal]

I came here for some psychological analysis.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just curious, is it, is it. I mean, I think we're every guy here secretly envious of your schedule. You know what I mean? I mean, here's essentially what you get to do. You get to go out and work a couple hours, maybe an hour, hour in the evening, here and there, make a bunch of money. You get to fuck whoever you want to fuck. You don't have to eat, kids you have to take care of. There's no, there's no tuition, Sal and I gotta have these stupid conversations about private schools and who's gonna pay the nanny and what about the insurance and blah blah, blah. You can drive a two seater. You don't even need a two seater. You could, you could drive a moped for the rest of your life in a pair of flip flops and cut offs and do whatever you want. And by the way, no matter however old and fat you get, there's always a hot 26 year old cocktail waitress for you to that. So we're all sort of envious of your life.

[Cousin Sal]

Okay, I'll buy that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Jeff Ross]

I don't know. I like that my parents are still alive,

[Adam Carolla]

That's one thing. Wow. Too soon. Too soon. I guess. Yes, it can go either way, but I mean. Yeah. Do you ever think about that if your parents had been around to see you be, you know, sort of successful?

[Cousin Sal]

You know, it would have been great. It would have been great. My dad's favorite Comedians were all the comedians that I'm friends with, you know,

[Adam Carolla]

like, he loved all the.

[Cousin Sal]

The old timers.

[Adam Carolla]

All the old timers, yeah. I mean, just the idea that your dad grew up, let's say, loved Buddy Hackett.

[Cousin Sal]

He did.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the idea that you and Buddy Hackett became, it's crazy close friends.

[Cousin Sal]

I met Cheech the other day from Cheech and Chong. And I met. And I. He's like, very sweet guy. And I said, you know, I remember my mom was very sick and she had leukemia. And I remember my dad took her on, like, their last vacation in Las Vegas. And they came back imitating this famous Cheech and Chong bit where they pretend they're dogs. And my parents were in the front row and Cheech fake peed on my mom like he was a dog. And I remember them. I was kind of young, but I remember them telling that story back to me back in the Jersey after their vacation. And here it is, something 25 years later, I'm telling the story to Cheech and he's like, welling up like he got something from that. So, yeah, I mean, it would have been really fun to see them, you know.

[Jeff Ross]

And that's why you smoke 3 ounces of pot a day.

[Cousin Sal]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of fake pee, my buddy Ray, who's here, he did a real pee pee on me. I was laughing about this, but I was just talking about it last night on stage. But I was looking. I was doing a stage show, and I was kind of going over my Social Security statement, how much money I made and what years I made it. And I graduated high school in 82, and I looked to see how much I made in 92, because that was my 10 year high school reunion. No one wants to show up a loser. Their 10 year high school reunion. I made $3,521 that year. So 10 years of working that. That's how much I made that year. And then I also recall that Ray peed on me in the bathroom for old times sake, because he.

[Jeff Ross]

Is that on the Social Security listing?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that one didn't come back. Ray. Ray peed on me at the high school football banquet. And by the way, well, graduation, that's a given.

[Larry Miller]

You just.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you've just. You understand everyone that for high school graduation, all the family and the friends and the loved ones went up into the bleachers, the high school football bleachers. So there were, you know, 800 1,000 people up in the bleachers. Then they took the smaller sort of fold up, fold out bleachers that just go about four high. And they set those up facing the bleachers. And then they put a little podium up in the middle and they'd call everyone up. And there's a pretty big class. 2, 300 people. Ray sat in the front row of the mini bleachers, which face? This is, you know, High Noon. Faced the entire wall of parents and teachers, faculty, and opened his gown and took a piss. Took a piss onto the football field, threw his gown onto the ground. Ray, is there some part of this I'm making? Making anything up? Yeah. Right. No, but you were sitting in the front row taking a piss in front of a thousand parents. Right?

[Jeff Ross]

Let me. Jeff Ross has a great underrated, yet completely invasive Ray story.

[Adam Carolla]

There really should be a segment called Underrated. R A, Y. Oh, overrated. At my bachelor party.

[Jeff Ross]

At your bachelor party?

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, well, you know, I'm minding my own business.

[Adam Carolla]

That's your first mistake.

[Cousin Sal]

Adam's bachelor party. What could be more fun? Me and all my pals hanging out in some. Where were we?

[Jeff Ross]

Tahoe. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Lake Tahoe.

[Cousin Sal]

Lake Tahoe, yeah. In some mountain cabin, you know. And next thing I know, let's set up.

[Jeff Ross]

Ray has ringworm.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray, right.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's set this up. Ray has ringworm, which is highly contagious. And I gotta share bed with him, right? And even though I'm the fucking Bachelor,

[Cousin Sal]

it's like 20 guys in one giant bed.

[Adam Carolla]

And James, baby Doll Dixon, my agent, gets his own bed because he has ass problems or whatever. He gets sick every time he gets near an airplane. So Ray and Ray's. You think he's selfish with. When he's awake, you should see him when he's passed out, spread out like Jesus on the cross, pulling the covers, shoves. And I don't want to make contact with him because of the ringworm, but

[Cousin Sal]

he told us he had ringworm after like 10 of us were in a hot tub with him and he has

[Jeff Ross]

ringworm and he's shitting in the river, too. He's bragging about shitting in the river and holding it up. And that's not even the worst thing ever.

[Cousin Sal]

He rubs his ass on the ground like a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

So then I need to defend myself sooner or later. All right, well, how could you possibly.

[Jeff Ross]

Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait. If there's an inaccuracy. So we're. I remember, we're in the living room.

[Jeff Ross]

It's Jeff's birthday, too.

[Cousin Sal]

I guess it was my birthday, and I just sort of felt some rumbling on the top of My head. I didn't know. Just some commotion. You're in that drunken haze of laughing and I look up and there's like a pair of balls in my eyes.

[Jeff Ross]

You guys want to guess who it was?

[Cousin Sal]

It's not like I grew up with Ray. It's not like he's my buddy from life.

[Adam Carolla]

That was always the confusing part for people. Like when Ray would fart on a chick's head. And we met a half hour earlier. Donnie, remember when he did that? Blasted a fart on Angie. On Angie. And she just went, I don't even know you.

[Cousin Sal]

As if it was okay if you did.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the funny part. Like if you guys had went to high school, it be fine if he farted on your head. Yeah, Ray would surprise a lot of people that way.

[Jeff Ross]

All right, well, now we'll get. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this, Ray. Go ahead.

[Larry Miller]

Well, it was Jeff's birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

We had all been a strip club

[Cousin Sal]

clubs prior, and Jeff didn't get his lap dance.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you, Jeff. Don't you feel you got a lap dance? You owe me 20 bucks.

[Cousin Sal]

Let's call it a day, Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, earlier that night, Ray got pissed and rolled over someone's car hood and dented it in. Did a weird shoulder roll over. Someone took. Took their fender and caved it in completely. He was so drunk.

[Jeff Ross]

We were doing this thing where you had to touch this. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a sign that was hanging. Yeah. One inch above where Ray could touch it and I could touch it and I don't know who. Yes, I did. That's what got you.

[Jeff Ross]

A lot of people did.

[Adam Carolla]

We have to have another competition. Caved in the fender of the car that you ran into. And then at some point, Dixon started yelling at somebody and I can't remember,

[Jeff Ross]

someone wanted him to leave a note on the car and some girl and Dixon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Jeff Ross]

You mind your own business.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All of a sudden he got all New Yorky on everyone's ass. Rangers went running through a parking lot, did a shoulder dive into someone's car, and he literally took the fender out with a shoulder. And then some lady went, you should leave a note, and baby doll went, mind your own goddamn business. Like he became a ratto Rizzo or something.

[Cousin Sal]

We're walking here.

[Adam Carolla]

We're walking here. Yeah, that's. That's.

[Jeff Ross]

We hang out with some real idiots.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was good. We went on a houseboat. Jeff almost lost his Rolex.

[Cousin Sal]

Who saved you from that?

[Jeff Ross]

Jeff?

[Adam Carolla]

The Captain called hero. I went and got his watch and rescued him.

[Cousin Sal]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

His watch?

[Cousin Sal]

I seem to remember Adam saving my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I saved your life and your Rolex. Jeff. Jeff jumped off the. Jeff dove off the houseboat. Yeah, with his Rolex.

[Cousin Sal]

I had a nice watch on. And, you know, it's. It was a submariner. It's supposed to be waterproof shoes on

[Adam Carolla]

the subs in World War II.

[Cousin Sal]

By the way, this ring that I wear is a bolt from a Nazi submarine from.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's why they were called Juba. Oh, no.

[Cousin Sal]

Yuba.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

[Cousin Sal]

And. And I jumped in and my watch, for some reason, like, popped open and I felt it, like, hanging on my finger. And I'm not. I can't really swim, so I'm trying to, like, dive deeper. The watch is, like, sinking. And as far as I remember, Adam jumped in and saved my life.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the way you guys should all remember everything.

[Jeff Ross]

And then who saved the watch? He got it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it didn't. Jeff got it. Never hit the bottom.

[Cousin Sal]

No, it still had.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got the Jew head. It would explode. The Jew head can't handle that kind of pressure. That's very true. I don't know what that means.

[Cousin Sal]

I don't remember Ray being part of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray, D. Mike yourself, please. All I remember is the only CD the guy had on the houseboat was the Best of Lenny Kravitz, which pissed me off to. To no end.

[Jeff Ross]

It was a good single.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I do feel like that. That was a defining moment in our first friendship out of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had a good time. And by the way, let me just say this, you know, Vegas, whatever, you guys go to all those places, but I tell you, do the bachelor party down at the lake, that's. That was a good time out there. Houseboat.

[Cousin Sal]

I mean, that was fun. Ringworm balls. We didn't need bait to go fishing. We just pulled worms out of raised end.

[Adam Carolla]

I should take this moment to talk about one of our fine sponsors, Mangrate.

[Cousin Sal]

I'm sure they're thrilled that this is the moment you picked.

[Adam Carolla]

They're men over there. Made Maxim's 200. I should say 2010 holiday gift guide. Mangrate. Maxim's best. One of our best. 100% cast iron. There's never a good point in the show to do a sponsorship read. There really isn't. 100% made in America. And they got a special. You guys try this man grate. By the way, it is. You guys. Barbecue. Change your life. Changes your life. It's this big chunk of iron that sits on top of your barbecue. So instead of that crappy coat hanger with the chrome spray paint on it, you have this big chunk of American iron. And then that heats up and then that cooks the steak, and then you get that steel steakhouse thing right there at home.

[Cousin Sal]

Sounds good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is awesome. Go to AdamCarola.com and click on the Man Great banner. All right, Cousin Sal, should we talk any football at all? Since that's what we're talking about.

Any.

Any more, you mean? Yeah, I'm blue in the face.

[Jeff Ross]

You should be blue and silver in the face.

[Cousin Sal]

How'd you do today, Sal?

[Jeff Ross]

I did all right. I have a lot riding. Well, the two best games we haven't seen yet, that's Ravens, Steelers tonight, and then Pat's jets tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

But are people. You know. You know, I always fear the Pats, but the jets are like, they're cocky. Yeah, they're winning as closely as they've won over the last, you know, six of their ten games or whatever.

[Jeff Ross]

I don't like them. I'm from New York. There's no reason I shouldn't like them. But now they're doing the thing where they're flying around like Jets. That's a TD celebration. And they're winning every game in the fourth quarter.

[Adam Carolla]

Pants are gonna kind of bring the Jet down for emergency landing. I like the commentary. You like the Jets? Where? Where's. It's a game in New England. In New England I still like. Brady is going to set the record. Yeah, right. 25 straight home wins.

[Jeff Ross]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

He's tied with Favre at this point. So if he wins this game, he now has the record. And it's probably going to be one of those records that hangs around for a while because guys get injured so much in a league nowadays. And really, I don't know who's coming along is going to take that record. But you think in New England and they don't lose at home, the jets

[Jeff Ross]

are so full of shit. And they got the swagger to them. I don't like it, but I think they pull it out. And I think. I think the Pat's already lost with Brady's. Not that he announced it, but they found out that he's going for hair transplants. That's why he's wearing his hair like Rapunzel now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. Yeah. That's what someone.

[Adam Carolla]

They've been talking about it, but I thought they were kidding. And I never saw anything. No. Wow.

[Jeff Ross]

This would be big.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there anything you can do where people won't find out what you're doing?

[Cousin Sal]

Podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, how dare you, Ray, jump on his head sp? Speaking of this podcast, it's funny, I want to thank all the folks that are listening. The audiobook. My AudioBook is number three on iTunes, which is right, right underneath President Bush's book. And like the prince. It's like the Prince of Narnia book, Bush's book and then my book. So thank you guys for doing that. I appreciate, appreciate it. Six and a half hours worth of book on cassette, which they now put on cd, I guess.

[Cousin Sal]

You talking for six and a half hours. I can't even imagine what that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was, I was talking about this on the thing, but I know. No, it took a whole two sessions. But the point is you sit there, you sit in a booth and you know, it's just like when you're recording something, something doing a voice or something. And you sit in this booth and, and through the glass is an engineer and a producer and then like some other guy. And you know, you're reading your book and you're telling your jokes, but at a certain point you're spouting out a bunch of. And you're, you're talking shit about women, but you're looking across through a piece of glass and there's a 28 year old chick sitting there and you're talking. Let me tell you how dumb these broads are. But you're staring at a woman while you're sitting there saying it, right? And you start to think about it. And then I started thinking, what about Mackenzie Phillips? Like, did she ever do her book on cassette? And if she did, she's like, yeah, then my dad was me. And it's just like, what are those guys doing hanging a sheet up like in front of the. Like, what do you do, like when you're doing a series? Like, all I'm doing is complaining about the man. But like if you're doing a serious like, tell all book where like then I started sucking Burt Lancaster's and it was sucking salty. Like what do you do with the five strangers that are sitting on the other side of the glass?

[Jeff Ross]

I figure, I think they do put a backdrop of Oprah up just to make it.

[Adam Carolla]

They got to do something.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So did Mackenzie do that? Does anyone know that?

[Cousin Sal]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

And then who would have voiced? Maybe Gilbert Godfrey voiced.

[Cousin Sal]

And then my father licked my.

[Adam Carolla]

Ew.

[Cousin Sal]

That's what that book is.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it would sound like. Yeah. All right. I'm just wondering if. Wait, did you do. Did you do an audiobook?

[Cousin Sal]

I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Why not?

[Cousin Sal]

I don't know why.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a comedian. They should have you do that.

[Cousin Sal]

I didn't make that deal.

[Adam Carolla]

You can get other people to do it. You want me to do it?

[Cousin Sal]

That'd be fun. The book would be a thousand pages. You'd be riffing. Yeah, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

I did do. I did do a little bit of that. All right. What? I don't know. Yeah, football. That's right. That's what we're talking about. So you. You fear. You fear the jets are going to win on Monday night even though you're from New York?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, I'm from New York. I somehow ended up liking the Cowboys, but you see how the Jet. They won, like two overtime games on the road. They seem like they. They play just hard enough to not be out of the games and then pull it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say the pants do what I think they're going to do and. And win that game. Does that make the Pats the best team in football?

[Jeff Ross]

They would be. Not. Would be 10 and 2 or 9 and 2.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd be 10 and 2.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, give it.

[Adam Carolla]

But just. Just even record aside, does that make them the scariest home team?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, if we have to. If we have to list five of them, I put them at the top.

[Adam Carolla]

That'll put them. That'll put them.

[Jeff Ross]

I think whoever wins that game is top.

[Adam Carolla]

That'll put them ahead of the jets because they'll both have beaten each other, but they'll. Pats. Right. Record will be better and they've been playing better lately. Yeah. All right. And. And really? Tom Brady with the hair plugs.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How does that work?

[Jeff Ross]

I like that, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? I do, too. It's nice to know. Yeah, it's. It's really. It's like.

[Cousin Sal]

What do you mean, that he cares about how he looks or.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's like. It's like finding out that the prom queen has a zit. You know what I mean? It just makes you feel better about your.

[Cousin Sal]

She's so good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's good looking, but he's married to Gisele Bunch and he's like. He's got a great. He's great quarterback. I mean, you know, it's not like he's just sitting around being good looking.

[Jeff Ross]

Can't have it. All right, Jeff, you may roast him one day. Jeff wants. We were talking. He wants to roast the major Major sports.

[Cousin Sal]

I just roasted a movie director. Like, the one thing I haven't done in a long. It would be a great sports figure, I don't think. I don't have the same sense of humor that entertainment Jack.

[Adam Carolla]

Shaq aside, because I know you're cousin Jimmy did Shaq's roast. I. I don't think those guys have a great sense of humor.

[Jeff Ross]

Say, like, Barkley. Barkley would probably do it. He'd be.

[Cousin Sal]

Barkley would be good.

[Jeff Ross]

You're not going to get like, Tiger woods or.

[Cousin Sal]

That would be great.

[Jeff Ross]

I'd like him a lot more if he stood there.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be awesome.

[Cousin Sal]

But isn't he already sort of embracing his bad boy image? Like, he's like, got a bachelor pad and he's probably going to start openly dating and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I think a guy like that probably grows up in such a weird bubble that, I mean, I'm sure his whole life is about attempting to act like a human being. Right? Because there's no way he's a human being. No, he's just raised on a golf course. He's on the Tonight show putting when he's three years old. And so he has his dad around, and it's basically, here's, hey, aunt, talk to the press, and here's how you conduct yourself. And here's, you know, here's your facial expression and bring some cupcakes and your mom to Jimmy's house. You know, here's how to be a human being. And I don't know if these guys know how to be human beings. Like, I. I don't know. What, does he have a crew that he hangs out with? Where's his buddies? Did he have guys he grew up with?

[Jeff Ross]

He hangs with your friend Ray a lot, I see.

[Larry Miller]

No, I don't.

[Jeff Ross]

I don't know what this guy does.

[Dr. Bruce]

It.

[Jeff Ross]

He's tweeting now, right?

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, he's on Twitter. Tiger's on Twitter. That's how he's gonna meet new puss.

[Jeff Ross]

You think so?

[Cousin Sal]

On Twitter.

[Adam Carolla]

How.

[Cousin Sal]

How did the.

[Adam Carolla]

The Tarantino roast go? I mean, how did it get really hairy? Did anyone cross the line?

[Cousin Sal]

It was pretty vicious. You know, they made a couple of. Quentin made a couple of Greg Geraldo jokes, I think, to try to shake up the roast.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Cousin Sal]

So I went back at him and. And got him where it hurts. How is it a bunch of jokes about how ugly he is. And finally I said, you're the ugliest jerk off I've ever seen. And that includes David Carradine's. Autopsy report.

[Jeff Ross]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I, I said this when I heard that Carradine was found, like, with a, you know, tie around his, you know, wind tunnel and a closet beating off in Thailand or wherever the hell he was. I just thought, first off, my first feeling was this would have never happened in any other time in history. Like, this guy would have been taken out of the closet. They would have removed the phone cord from around his neck. They would have put him in a red, white and blue GI and laid him out on the bed and put a Bible on his chest and his hands on it and said that that's how we found it. True. Black belt to the end. Because think, historically, think how many guys you know, I mean, people we know are the luminaries and politicians and statesmen, they had to be all into the same funky shit. I mean, we haven't changed that much as human beings in a few hundred years. I'm sure many of the founding fathers died with a phone cord around their neck, too, but. Or maybe it was an extension, Extension cord. I was stupid. You're right. But the point is this. Somebody took the cord off and laid them out, right? They had a heart attack when they're on top of their mistress or something, but someone shooed her away and gave her a couple shackles, told her to shut up or did the right thing and killed her or something like that. But the point is, now it's just, everything's just fair game, right?

[Cousin Sal]

Dignity was more important back then.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? It meant something.

[Cousin Sal]

And I felt bad. And at the roast after, I felt bad and I had everyone stand up and wear their pants at Half Mask.

[Jeff Ross]

Adam, you have a great point with this in your book. Everyone says, oh, he died doing what he loved, if it was, you know, he was a librarian or whatever. But those are really the only people who died doing what they love, the ones who kill themselves yanking it, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. Mountain climbers and skydivers, animal trainers. That ain't what they love. Not at the moment. Not when the Kodiak is on top of that. They're probably least in love with that activity. You know, it was weird, you know, just, just speaking of this, the way things used to be. It was funny. We were on the road in shit San Jose, a few weeks ago. Mike. Yeah, Mike's got us going everywhere. And now, now this is a comedy because we do comedy at night, but by day we have nothing to do. And it's just me, Mike August, and the we sitting at a Red Roof Inn in San Jose. With nothing to do until 8 o' clock that night. So we come up with these plans like, hey, let's go do something. So we went to the Winchester mystery house in San Jose.

[Cousin Sal]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

That the Winchester is the Winchester State. The, the widow who. The guy made the repeater rifle the Winchester got, you know, in that time, time and ungodly amount of money, like, you know, $25 million. Moved to San Jose, you know, 150 years ago, just started building a house and adding on rooms because the spirits were telling her, just a crazy broad with a ton of money. And they just kept adding room. And we went on the tour of this crappy mansion that just, it's. It sucked. But the one thing really that don't bother. And by the way, Donnie, my exaggerate, it was like 27 bucks a pop. I was like, we could have gone to fucking Knott's Berry Farm. Yeah, it was an insane amount of money to go through this piece of shit.

[Jeff Ross]

Then you gotta feed these guys.

[Adam Carolla]

So we get through the place and all the furniture had been auctioned off. And I said, what happened? They said, well, when she died, they took all the furniture and they moved it to San Francisco and all the kids just auctioned off and split up the money. And I said, oh, I get it. They did like the Winchester Mystery house furniture auction. And he said, no, they didn't say anything about where it was from. And I said, why not? They could have made, you know, a lot extra. You know, you sell a car now and Steve McQueen used to own the car, you're going to make an extra few hundred grand. And they just, she said they didn't do it. They had little something called dignity. They didn't do things that way. And I said, yeah, but even for like a roll top desk or something, forget, you know, Kardashian getting fucked on the Internet. It's like it was like, no, they wouldn't. He said they didn't talk about things. They wouldn't use their mother's name to try to sell this piece of furniture for extra money. It just wasn't done. They were just. Things were done quietly and with dignity. And I thought even we weird on an auction of furniture that was, I don't know, 100 years, 75 years ago or whenever it happened. But. But that's where we used to be. Fast forward situation.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, Imagine TMZ like in the 60s, we got Frank Sinatra coming out of chase and speeding up a busboy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

Never take a picture of anything like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, My God.

[Cousin Sal]

No.

[Jeff Ross]

It'd be over in a day.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, we got Sammy Davis Jr back hanging a white broad out of Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He did have a hot wife, though, didn't he?

[Cousin Sal]

May Brit. May Brit.

[Adam Carolla]

May Brit. Yeah, that is hot.

[Cousin Sal]

Still alive, still around.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is she? Yeah, I don't remember her.

[Jeff Ross]

Let me look at her.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, yeah, that was the controversial one where Frank had to, like, bow out of being his best man at the wedding.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Because it was.

[Cousin Sal]

They were afraid they were gonna get shot.

[Adam Carolla]

Black and white thing going on.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, those. But that's a great book, by the way. While we're on the subject of books.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Cousin Sal]

Yes, I can. The Sammy Davis Jr. Autobiography. One of the greatest inspiring books. Here's a guy who had everything working against him. Black, Jewish, blind, and ugly and a midget practically. And, like, took over show business.

[Larry Miller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable. And so speaking of show business. Cut you off. Tarantino really made Greg Geraldo jokes.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck?

[Jeff Ross]

What did he say?

[Cousin Sal]

What could he find me edgy? I forgot what he said.

[Adam Carolla]

But Greg's a comedian who, you guys probably know, just died several months ago. That's not been six months.

[Cousin Sal]

It's not even been two months.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even been two months. And he was really funny on the roast, as, you know.

[Cousin Sal]

Greg, killer, killer comic.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So he starts off and he's gonna be edgy, so he makes some jokes about Greg. Yeah. And then who are the. Who are the guys? Like, they're always a handful of comedians, slash personalities that have this thing like, I'm not gonna prepare. I'm gonna walk up to that podium and somehow I'm gonna open my mouth and magic is gonna happen, and it never happened.

[Cousin Sal]

I'm so glad you said that.

[Adam Carolla]

Those three or four people that did it.

[Jeff Ross]

Aside from you. Aside from you.

[Cousin Sal]

No, I, I. I prepare for these things. I go to battle sometimes. So, like, I really love it because you have to zero in on the subject for weeks. But, like, you know, Harvey Keitel was there, and he's like, hey, maybe I'll go on.

[Adam Carolla]

You know?

[Cousin Sal]

And he just pops up and riffs for five minutes, and it's like, you might as well serve Ambien to the audience. Like, it's fun to see the big stars there, but they don't really bring that.

[Jeff Ross]

And that's what happened. And it's for that reason why that won't be aired on Comedy Central. Right. Because the big names like that.

[Cousin Sal]

Well, no, Uma Thurman repaired. She actually did a funny bit because apparently, you know, he has a foot fetish. He's always shooting her feet in his movies. And she filled her stiletto up with champagne, and he drank it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Cousin Sal]

It's really funny. And.

[Jeff Ross]

I don't know, they should air those, though.

[Cousin Sal]

It would have been a good one.

[Adam Carolla]

So Keitel, not so. Not so funny.

[Cousin Sal]

He was sweet more than funny. And, you know, he wanted a crochet funny. And Sarah Silverman was really funny. It was just a. It was good to roast a movie director. I said Quentin Tarantino changed the face of cinema. If only cinema would return the favor.

[Adam Carolla]

Is you think Quentin Tarantino is crazy, huh? Like, do you think he's nutty? Sort of maybe, you know, crazy like a fox.

[Cousin Sal]

But people say his movies encourage violence. I say it's his personality. He's very over the top. He's sort of insufferable.

[Jeff Ross]

I got a question. You think you're better looking than Quentin Tarantino?

[Cousin Sal]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That'd be an interesting online poll.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

Should we do Rich Geraldo now is better?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Maybe we should toss it [e-mail] and get back to everybody.

[Jeff Ross]

Tarantino and Ross.

[Adam Carolla]

Tarantino and Ross.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, Quentin Tarantino. Forget behind the camera. He should be behind a fence.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's weird looking, but not unattractive.

[Jeff Ross]

I think girls probably like him, right?

[Cousin Sal]

No, girls love him. He's very endearing. He has a great energy. He's a super fan of people. So when he meets you, he. He locks in. When I met him months ago, before the roast, he grabs you by the shoulders. He rips off, like, rips into, like, six jokes that he's heard me tell other places. Like, he's got that spirit that makes him a good director. You have to be a fan fan first. And that's one of the things I appreciated about him.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you one of the things I don't appreciate about him. I was watching Inglorious bastards that I TiVo'd a few weeks ago, and I got that fucking thing where if you watch that movie, you realize that at least 3/4 of it is subtitle, right?

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, it's German.

[Adam Carolla]

And I ain't exactly Evelyn Wood over here, so I literally have to drag my finger along the table. If I'm eating, like, chicken wings, there'll be a grease streak going down the tv. And so what happens is it's the dance of the Retards because it takes me nine hours to watch it because I have to pause it in order to catch up on all the Reading, because they're sitting down there in the pub and they're shooting back and forth in German and I can't read that fast, so I hit the pause. But the problem with the fucking TiVos, we. You hit the pause. That weird pause bar button. The pause bar blocks out all the. Blocks the thing out. So then I have to rewind to the point where I think the bar is going to go away. And then I hit play, and it still sits there for five Mississippi. And I'm yelling, go away. I don't need your bar. Go away.

[Cousin Sal]

And then it gets.

[Adam Carolla]

I have to go back and go forward and go back. Someone's got to do something about the pause in the bar. And by the way, here's the thing about the pause. You think I'm confused. Everyone's frozen. There's a football in the air. It's not. You think I'm. What do you think I built a time machine? I understand. I hit the pause. I don't need a huge graphic telling me, hey, you just hit this button and stop the action on tv. I see that. I've stopped it. And when you think about it now with all the spirit sports shows and the subtitles up that crawl along the bottom, like every. I'll do that. Like, I'll be watching Sports center and I'll be watching basketball highlights. But I'll say, like Peyton Manning, you know, is the game time decision. I'll see it.

[Cousin Sal]

I'll go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll rewind and go, oh, I'm gonna. And then there's that fucking bar again.

[Cousin Sal]

Maybe it should be vertical on the side of the screen.

[Adam Carolla]

I say, we don't need to know. If I ever come in, if I find myself somehow that far out of it where I'm staring at the TV and it's a fucking T tableau. I'll realize at that point, oh, yeah, I should hit play and see if people start moving again.

[Cousin Sal]

It's good in porno, too, if you want to watch a certain shot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

And you, like, rewind it and pause it, and suddenly, like, the whole. Like, the tits are covered by the bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. How do we get rid of that bar?

[Dr. Bruce]

Exit, exit, exit.

[Adam Carolla]

You hit exit. Dump that bar.

[Jeff Ross]

Don't tell him why. You tell him. It's such a good bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, you hold on. That was a test. There's a sign above the door that says the same thing. Jack off. Now hit it. You hit the exit. But I. I got the. I don't have the TiVo now. I got the DirecTV.1 button, even smaller. Where do I. Do I have to take my soldering iron and burn a little plastic on?

[Jeff Ross]

I think they purposely have it there to encourage people to learn how to read. It's an Obama initiative.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Speaking of reading, let me read another quick sponsor. Yes. Go to meeting. You guys use this. Go to meeting. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. You don't have to get on an airplane or in your case, as a donkey, to go meet important clients or colleagues. Why spend the money away with the airports already? Jesus Christ. We. We just went through one this morning. Actually two counting. Yeah, it's awesome if you get to

[Cousin Sal]

watch the Carrot Top video.

[Adam Carolla]

And, oh, yeah, there's nothing better than watching the clowns or the cast of Star wars or whatever. So blue man, Blue men doing. Yeah. Taking their wallets and shoes out. Nonsense. Anyway, it's depressing. Why not just have your meeting from your office? You can fire up your computer. You can get everyone on the same screen. It is awesome.

[Cousin Sal]

Easy.

[Adam Carolla]

And you can get up and running in seconds. Seconds. Presentations and sales and training sessions and product demos right from your desk. 49 bucks a month. Such a money saver. Such a time saver. And for my listeners, you can try GoToMeeting free for 45 days. Just visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button, and type in the promo code. Adam. Free 45 days, everybody. All right.

[Cousin Sal]

You take meetings without any pants on?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Awesome.

[Cousin Sal]

No one would know.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You. You watch porn at home on the TiVo. Sure. So you can do that, right? That's the point about living alone and having the kind of life you have. You see what I'm saying?

[Cousin Sal]

Do whatever I want.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't do that.

[Cousin Sal]

You have to sneak off into the garage.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the point is, is whatever's on my queue, at some point, there's some Disney flick that's above it, below it. It doesn't. It doesn't look real good.

[Cousin Sal]

So you're whacking off. Suddenly you hit the wrong button and you blow your load to iCarly.

[Adam Carolla]

You could do worse. Pink eye. Oh, no, no, it's not that part. It's the part where my nanny is looking for Dora the explorer and has to go. Has to scroll past where the chicks aren't 8 or the guys aren't 27 to get to.

[Cousin Sal]

She gets the anal explorer by accident.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The door explorer's in between. You bang us. Uranus and Taboo 29. Yes. It doesn't work out.

[Cousin Sal]

Well, then you need a separate porn office, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I know I'm that close with just a. Just a floor with a drain in it and a hose bin like a gorilla cage. All right, speaking of gorillas, let's wrap this up. My buddy Ray's got to do a little arm wrestling. Yes. Jeff Ross, everyone. Thank you. The only male on the Divas Salute the Troops, which will be running on VH1 at all times. You can just TiVo that up there doing his thing. Also the website roastmastergeneral.com and of course, the book I Only Roast the ones I Love. Now on paperback, Cousin Sal can be found on Jimmy Kimmel Live 12:05 Monday through Friday on ABC. And what am I forgetting? We got it. Yeah. So until next time, to Sam Kroll for Jeff Ross and cousin Sal saying, lala, go get Adam Carolla's book. In 50 years, we'll all be chicks. It's in stores now. Send in your book jacket to have it signed by the Ace man. Don't forget the self dressed stamped envelope. Follow Adam on Twitter at Adam Carolla and check him out. Live at Cobbs in San Francisco, December 9th through the 11th. More live shows and details on how to get your book jacket [e-mail]. All right, that's Adam. Corolla Show 460 that does this weekend's Corolla classics. Make sure tune next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, hollow and get it on. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminal Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay Never. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay Never. All new drinks are now at McDonald's. Like the strawberry watermelon Refresher and the Sprite Berry Blast topped with cold foam. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire? Try them all now at McDonald's, Refreshers contain caffeine.