Mike Lawrence + Artie Lange (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics with Mike Lawrence + Artie Lange

Episode Date: August 8, 2026
Featured Segments: Adam Carolla Show #1114 (with Mike Lawrence), #1125 (with Artie Lange)
Co-Hosts: Allison Rosen, Brian ‘Bald Brian’ Bishop
Venues: Amalfi (LA), Caroline’s Comedy Club (NYC)

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Episode Overview

This “Carolla Classics” episode features highlights from two classic Adam Carolla Show recordings: one with sharp-tongued comic Mike Lawrence (live from Amalfi in 2013) and another with legendary comedian Artie Lange (Caroline’s, NYC, 2013). With co-hosts Allison Rosen and Bald Brian, the episodes are packed with Adam’s trademark rants, candidly hilarious banter, pop culture takes, all-out irreverence, and some of the best unscripted comedy moments in classic podcasting.

Main Themes:

• Everyday absurdities (from dog food to celebrity wedding etiquette)
• Pop culture nitpicks and TV/film rants
• Behind-the-scenes stories from Hollywood and showbiz
• Candid reflections on fame, personal struggles, and social mores
• Live audience Q&A and classic “What Can’t Adam Complain About?”

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Key Segments & Discussions

1. Life’s Absurdities: Gourmet Dog Food, Bulk Buying, and More

[01:23–06:13]

• Adam opens up about the insane treatment of his dog, Molly, who now expects minced, poached, premium chicken breast with added broth atop imported Swedish dog food.

  • Adam: “As I’m leaving to come here tonight, I get the urgent instructions: it’s been cooked, it’s been minced, it’s been down made into like a fine powder…” [04:01]
  • Comedic riff on how pets end up controlling their owners and how this signals doom for future parenting and boundaries.

• The crew jokes about how Adam buys items in industrial “chub packs” versus the single-serve purchases made by “rich men, poor men,” relating it to class and shopping habits.

  • Brian: “That’s a rich man, poor man—buying one at a time of something, like the 99 cent store sells like, individual rolls of toilet paper.” [03:46]

2. Florida, Family, and Comic Origins

[06:13–09:49]

• Mike Lawrence shares stories of growing up in “shitty Davie, Florida,” familial alcoholism, and his father’s maintenance job—all with a wry, self-effacing humor.

  • Mike: “Just the fact that you asked what he did and I didn’t say alcoholic for once in my life proves that the therapy is working.” [08:02]
  • Adam: “Not a janitor and not a pedophile. Never really work effectively.” [07:44]

• The group explores how childhood, place, and adversity feed comedic perspective—with Adam and Mike bantering about parental remorse and how to “catch people while they’re feeling remorseful.”

  • Adam: “The next day was the best day of my life. You know what I mean? I could do anything I want that day, you know, how could–” [09:06]

3. Celebrity Culture & Hollywood Anecdotes

[10:15–15:36]

• Adam tells stories about hanging out backstage with celebrities such as Armie Hammer, John Krasinski, and Emily Blunt—with digressions into feeling like the least desired guest at talk shows.

  • Adam: “There’s all huge stars…then you sit in your dressing room and you look around, and if you’re anything like me, you go, I bet they wish they had any of these people on the show tonight instead of me.” [12:35]

• A running joke about mistakenly calling armed movie icons “The Long Ranger” and “Obi Wan Kenobi” ("Obi Juan Kenobi") highlights the generational gap and cultural misnaming.

  • Mike: “Tatooine is basically the Mexico of Star Wars, though. We have to be honest there.” [16:32]

4. Dining with the Stars: Power Moves & Social Hierarchies

[20:26–27:24]

• Adam details a lavish dinner with John Krasinski and Jimmy Kimmel, with plenty of wine and comically awkward moves about who pays, who gets the leftovers, and even the struggle of not having enough cash for valet parking.
  • Adam: “I didn’t pay for shit. I drank the most wine. I’m walking out with half a pig. It was fucking awesome.” [26:20]
  • Mike: “See, that’s what wealth sounds like to me—when you get leftovers and you’re like, ‘I’m good.’” [26:35]

5. Parking in LA, Restaurant Pet Peeves, and Tangential Rants

[28:07–33:43]

• Adam launches into his classic gripes: paying extra for parking even at high-end restaurants, deciphering confusing Los Angeles parking signs, and the injustice of getting ticketed more efficiently than receiving help in urgent situations.
  • Adam: “You go to Nobu…rack up like $1300 and then out to the curb, and it’s like, $8, sir. And I’ve been like, oh shit, I got $5.” [29:18]

6. News & World Affairs, Delivered with Sarcasm

[34:08–39:53]

• Allison Rosen leads the news segment with topics like unrest in Egypt (“Morsi has been deposed…eight people have died so far.” [34:44]) which the team warps into a riff about Morrissey, The Cure, and cartoonish perspectives on Middle Eastern politics.

  • Adam: “Every news story started with trouble in the Middle East. You guys understand that?…Maybe it is the people. Maybe, just maybe.” [36:08]
  • Mike: “When you read those stories, it’s like Mad Libs—it’s the same story every time. Mid Libs.” [37:36]

• Sports, science, and TV: using boxing concussions and “Gilligan’s Island” to satirize medical ‘facts’ and public misconceptions.

  • Adam: “The only thing that cured it was another blow from a coconut. So more head trauma. Ask anyone in the NFL.” [39:11]

7. Prison Logic, Rights, and the Absurdities of Vending Machines

[42:15–46:47]

• Discussion of whether incarcerated people should be allowed to marry, lose voting rights, or get conjugal visits, with darkly funny asides about the prison population’s priorities.

  • Mike: “You don’t get to wear a YOLO shirt anymore. You just have to tattoo it on your face.” [44:18]
  • Mike: “I went to visit a friend in prison once, and they had the best vending machine selections I’ve ever seen.” [45:31]

• The lighter side of Florida crime, animal jokes (“He raped a manatee to a Jimmy Buffett song…” [46:34]), and the peculiarity of manatees being mistaken for mermaids.

8. Personal Quirks & Home Design

[48:18–54:06]

• Adam shares idiosyncratic home design strategies, like dog-earing all the corners in his house for “flow and feng shui.”
• Andy Rooney and “brow maintenance” become an extended riff on aging, self-awareness, and comic voice impressions.

9. Q&A and “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” (Live from Caroline’s)

[94:39–105:34]

• Audience-driven segment where Adam is challenged to complain about central air conditioning, his own Mangria wine brand, and more.

• Classic demonstration of Adam’s ability to find a flaw or rant in literally anything—be it hotel key cards, remote controls, or swamp coolers.

  • Adam: “When I used to go to my friend’s house who had central air, I would get up at night and go sleep by the magical vent in the wall because the Corollas are such colossal losers.” [96:33]

• Artie Lange shares tales of addiction recovery, comedic milestones (“Dirty Work” residuals), and his engagement to his now-wife—complete with self-deprecating honesty and sharp banter.

10. Comedy, Money, and Showbiz Realities

[119:48–130:25]

• Counting down the highest-grossing comedians (as of 2013), with Adam and Artie speculating on what sells in comedy—nationality, ventriloquism, or simply embracing a persona.
  • Disbelief at Russell Peters’ global draw and Terry Fator’s $24 million earnings for a Vegas ventriloquism act.
  • Artie: “What if that kid grows up to be a retarded Jerry Sandusky, you know?” [110:06]

11. Social Media and Thick Skin

[132:10–135:47]

• Mary-Louise Parker declares she’s quitting acting because "the internet has gotten too mean"—prompting a discussion on online cruelty, fame’s psychological toll, and how future generations might simply be “immune” to negativity.
  • Artie: “The stuff that’s positive, I don’t like…Some kid tweets: ‘Nobody cares about your stupid pictures, fatso.’ And you know what? He was so right.” [133:47]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Adam Carolla on negotiating with the family pet:
  “Fast forward six months, it’s going to be an eight ball of cocaine and she’s going to have a strap-on and just be raping me over the kitchen island…” [04:48]

• Mike Lawrence on Florida’s diversity:
  “It’s where racist people go when they want to be racist towards everybody…” [07:15]

• Artie Lange on being recognized:
  “She thought I was Karl Malone. She was in for a surprise.” [76:36]

• On modern fame:
  Artie: “You’re either Rachel Uchitel or Kevin Federloin. There’s too many people are famous. The Andy Warhol thing definitely came true.” [92:32] Adam: “If you combined the minutes of the Kardashians, you’d have an elephant life.” [92:52]

• Adam on society’s decline:
  “When did we become this stupid, everybody?” [143:40]

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Section Timestamps (Segment Guide)

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-------------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 01:23-06:13 | Gourmet dog food, absurd pet pampering | | 06:13-09:49 | Mike Lawrence’s Florida family tales / origins of humor | | 10:15-15:36 | Hollywood tales, Armie Hammer, misnaming movie icons | | 20:26-27:24 | Dining with John Krasinski & Jimmy Kimmel, power moves | | 28:07-33:43 | Rants about LA parking & restaurant parking politics | | 34:08-39:53 | News: Egypt, Middle East unrest, riff on “Morrissey” | | 42:15-46:47 | Jail rights & vending machines; Florida crime as humor | | 48:18-54:06 | Home design quirks, Andy Rooney, brow waxing | | 94:39-105:34| “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” live audience Q&A | | 119:48-130:25 | Top-grossing comics, ventriloquism, fame’s oddities | | 132:10-135:47 | Mary-Louise Parker quits acting: social media cruelty |

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Flow & Tone

The episode exudes classic Carolla: unapologetically irreverent, scattershot in structure (but brisk), and full of tangents that transform the mundane into comedic gold. The dialogue is rapid, infused with real-life references, brutal honesty, and quick-pivoting sarcasm. Both highlighted segments showcase the chemistry between Adam and veteran comics, revealing truths about personal demons, absurd celebrity perks, and the comic’s-eye view of everyday stupidity.

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For New Listeners

This installment offers a greatest-hits, all-you-can-eat sampler of Adam Carolla’s comic world: if you want to experience his blend of sharp social commentary, unfiltered storytelling, and legendary “complaining artistry,” these classic live episodes are a perfect entry point. From gourmet dog food to Hollywood power dinners, from Florida felonies to celebrity faux pas, it’s routinely hilarious—sometimes biting, often relatable, and always unpredictable.

Recommended for: Fans of unscripted stand-up, showbiz inside baseball, and those curious about the cultural landscape of early 2010s comedy podcasts.

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Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play with best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to gain access to the ad free archives of the Adam Corolla show, the Adam and Dr. Dr. Drew show, and the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip for us to play here on Carolla Classics, make sure to email us classicsamcarolla.com let's get to the clips. Come up first, we have Adam Carolla Show 1114 with Mike Lawrence live on stage from Amalfi, along with Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to plutofo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Brian Bishop]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Artie Lang]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Allison Rosen]

That is so fast.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedian Mike Lawrence.

[Mike Lawrence]

Hey, how's it going?

[Adam Carolla]

Allison Rosen, of course. Bald Brian over there. All right, sorry. I need to hire someone to kill my dog. We should probably talk privately. As a matter of fact, just wink if that makes sense to you, and then we'll talk about. I walked into my kitchen today and my nanny was cutting up six full breaths of Foster Farms chicken. And I said, what are you. What are we. What are we eating for dinner Is a ton of chicken here. I mean, high end Foster Farms, skinless, boneless, prepackaged, super high end shit. And she said, oh, no, that's for Molly. And I said, what do you go with the Foster farm shit for?

[Allison Rosen]

If you go over Molly, maybe she notices the difference.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Mike Lawrence]

Shouldn't she be making the that for herself? She's probably not eating that high quality of a chicken Banana.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I won't allow her.

[Mike Lawrence]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Marrow and Scraps. Great cop buddy team, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, why?

[Adam Carolla]

Why is Marrow. Get in my office now. I got the mayor, the DA and the city council up my ass after you guys shot up that gay parade.

[Mike Lawrence]

Scraps, we just lost Mendoza. There's always a guy named Mendoza. Movies every time.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna avenge his death.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah. Y.

[Adam Carolla]

Marrow Gristle Danny Trejo is scraps. Let's get gristle in on this one. Yeah, yeah. So she's cutting. Not only is she boiling the skinless, boneless fucking foster farms prepackaged whenever, individually packaged. When stuff is individually packaged, you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Most expensive.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I buy things in what I call a chub pack. My underpants come in a bale of underpants, not one single tube.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it just sold by weight?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I get a metric ton. I get a ream of underpants. Yeah. They come in with a pallet jack and the guy just weighs it like the drug cartels would do with money. It would cost too much to count out every underpants.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a rich man, poor man. The buying one at a time of something like the 99 cent store sells like individual rolls of toilet paper.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

So I sad to see people buying individual rolls of toilet paper.

[Adam Carolla]

But hold on. This is news to Mike August back there. Mike, people actually buy toilet paper?

[Allison Rosen]

They don't.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't all just fucking steal it when we're in Denver staying in condominiums. Sorry, it's a long story. I could, I could fill you in on that one, Mike, but. So she's cooking this and then as I'm leaving to come here tonight, I get the urgent instructions. It's been cooked, it's been minced, it's been down made into like a fine powder. And then, then more chicken flavoring. Chicken broth has been added to the mix. And this must be dumped on top of the already super expensive high end canned stuff that probably comes from Sweden in order to entice her to eat her din din.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what dogs never ate in the wild? Cooked chicken.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good point.

[Mike Lawrence]

That dog is going to be so snooty at the dog part when it takes a shit. And it looks so much better than all the other dog shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my do dog's gonna be like my is actually better than what you eat.

[Mike Lawrence]

My has health insurance.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That is Foster Farms high grade.

[Allison Rosen]

So is she. So is Molly now refusing to eat the super expensive canned food that you already resent?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. So what? What what what? My plan was kibble or bus. Give her the kibble or let her hit the hit the road. Hit the fucking road. I don't give a shit.

[Allison Rosen]

It's good. You let let her know your boundaries.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll dice you up and flush you down the fucking toilet like a goldfish. You'll be the first dog to be flushed down the toilet. It'll be a great story. 80 pound lab. How'd you get rid of her? Flush her down the toilet.

[Allison Rosen]

How long did that take?

[Mike Lawrence]

That's what I would want to know in one piece.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not. We think I'm some kind of maniac out of butchered her in the tub.

[Brian Bishop]

We, we have a place called Florida. There's definitely been dogs flushed down the toilet.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. All right, so the point, the point is this. She wouldn't eat the kibble. Then she wouldn't eat the high end canned food. And now we have, you know, fast forward six months, it's going to be an eight ball of cocaine and she's going to have a strap on and just be raping me over the kitchen island. Maybe four months. I don't know if she. Yeah, yeah, strap on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. That's what happens when you negotiate with terrorists.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's my point. Mike, where are you from, buddy? Sorry, it's not all about me. My dog, it's.

[Mike Lawrence]

It's all right. I'm from South Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry about that.

[Mike Lawrence]

The fact that no one clapped at that makes me like them so much more. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm from Shitty Davey, Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the people. I don't. What I never realized about Florida because I always grew up, I didn't know where anything was. I only knew where things were from watching game shows and you know when they would say, you're going to Miami, Florida? It was like, hey. And it was always, you know, Daytona Beach, Florida. It was like, it was always. That was.

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds like a decent destination.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it was. And then there was a couple Anita Bryant commercials where she was talking about Florida orange juice. So I thought everyone there hated gays, was white, sang, was former Miss America and vacationed there. That's, that's all I knew about Florida. And, and then I traveled through Florida and I realized there's a bunch of fucking hillbillies in Florida.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, it's where racist people go when they want to be racist towards everybody because they're all there. It's like immediate racism. Like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, like we got your Jews, we got your Hispanics, we got everything over here.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, right. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So what's your, what's your dad do?

[Mike Lawrence]

My, My dad, he worked at a, at a hospital. Like a maintenance. Not a janitor, but like a maintenance dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, let me tell you something. When you say not a janitor, everyone thinks janitor.

[Mike Lawrence]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

So don't bring up janitor.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, that's what I Thought he would always try to explain to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that sounded like a discrepancy that janitors make, but no one else understands.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a janitor and not a pedophile. Never really work effectively. You know, I work with children. Sometimes it gets physical. Not a pedophile. No. That all it does is drag people's mind right there to the janitorial.

[Mike Lawrence]

I mean, just the fact that you asked what he did and I didn't say alcoholic for once in my life, proves that the therapy is working. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike Lawrence]

What does he do again? Besides used to hitting my mom?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't remember.

[Mike Lawrence]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's where you got your sense of humor, right?

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was beating into me.

[Adam Carolla]

So he was.

[Allison Rosen]

He was.

[Mike Lawrence]

He didn't. He didn't hit me that much.

[Adam Carolla]

Not that much.

[Mike Lawrence]

No, no, not really. No, he didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he was. He was.

[Mike Lawrence]

He was. He was a cool dad. He, like, I got sober sad. I'm gonna make it up for you, dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, oh, really?

[Mike Lawrence]

I was too young to get, like, I'm it up the wrestler dad. I got like, let's go to Disney and, you know, repeat my step eight dad.

[Artie Lang]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

So he was. So he was drunk, and then he got sober, and then he was trying to make amends.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah. And that's the best kind of dad you could have, right? Awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. No, I. It's. That's what you want. I. I've told the story. I've had a girlfriend punch me before. Like, you know, ball up her fist and punch me. And the next day was the best day of my life. You know what I mean? I could do anything I want a day, you know, how could.

[Allison Rosen]

How could you conduct your life to always catch people when they're feeling remorseful.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, that. You mean to. But they have to do it toward you.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, you have to get them to punch you. You have to do something heinous enough to get them to punch you, and then it's on them. That's. At least that's what I did.

[Mike Lawrence]

See, the Florida in me was thinking when you said the next day was the best day of my life, I was like, so you hit her back? Like, that's. Oh, that's a Florida. Florida in me. Jumps to ya, Saster. Good.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that's the Florida talking in you.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the half hour special on Comedy Central just aired last Friday, but it should I started or not in 2013. And we make bike apparel. The best part of Shopify for me is our Ability to run the business as essentially non technical people. We're able to admin everything on the back end, front end and sell things online easily. If Shopify were a bike accessory, I think it would actually be the bicycle. It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify. Start your free trial on shopify.com air again. Right. Because half hour specials.

[Mike Lawrence]

I got to open for dinner for schmucks. That was good.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike. Mike Lawrence. By the way, comedy.com is where you go. And then we'll do our next movie the way we want to do it. And we did our last movie the way we want to do it. We just had to fucking beg for four years before we could do it. This will expedite the process. So I, I got to hang out a little with Armie Hammer, who's dreamy in real life.

[Brian Bishop]

I just saw the Lone Ranger today. I'll be reviewing it on Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, little Bollywood. Super nice guy. Wife's very nice. And I walked into his dressing room and he said, hey man, I was just listening to you and I think us. And I said, what was the deal? His driver in Arizona is Baldwin's driver. Baldwin's driver, his Teamster driver is the one that got Baldwin hooked on our

[Brian Bishop]

show, Driver to the Stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he. This guy records all of my shows and then every time he drives a celebrity, he makes them listen to my show and eventually he wins them over somehow.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, he breaks them down.

[Adam Carolla]

He breaks them down and they, they get into it. So he had the same driver. I'm. The guy's name is escaping me, but I'll figure it out. It's like Fred or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I think I thought it was Frank, but I was wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's something like Fred or something. But also had that weird moment where I just wanted to go into Army's dressing room and just say hi. And let me say this. I've done Kimmel's show. I was told yesterday 43 times. But one of the things that always pisses me off is when you go and you're in your dressing room and they always put all along the hall that leads from that back alley where all the TMZ guys hang out. The whole long hallway. There's pictures all along and it's just, oh, there's Brad Pitt, there's Jennifer Aniston, there's Michelle Obama, there's President Obama. There's all. There's Johnny Depp. There's all.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it like. And there's a tiger. I feel like they always have an animal somewhere in there, too.

[Adam Carolla]

They should. I'm going to come to lobby to get that. It's all huge stars. And then you go into your dressing room and it's more a list celebrities. It's Jimmy laughing it up with Cher. It's Jimmy and George Clooney laughing it up. And then you sit in your dressing room and you look around, and if you're anything like me, you go, I bet they wish the they had any of these people on the show tonight instead of me. Do you realize how disappointed they are when I leave? All these. They would take. They would throw a dart and hit any one of these pictures in this room, and they would love to have them on other than me. And then I thought, you really shouldn't do that to the guest, especially the second guest.

[Allison Rosen]

They should have someone hired to quickly put up a photo of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. There should always be that one of you that's waiting there. Like, even if you're suspicious. Like, wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is it not in a frame?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. By the way, see, I think you

[Mike Lawrence]

could talk shit to the other celebrities, like Cher. You haven't done this show 43 times. But I have.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, But I couldn't get her on the phone.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And she'd be like, who are you? Yeah, do you work on the show? So I went and I went and talked to. I had this moment. So I was like, I'm gonna go up the hall and I'm gonna say the other thing that pissed me off a little is Armie Hammer had. What is my dressing room like? I always have. It's always. I'm always that one. Not. Not the other one. So I did that move where I just started reflexively and instinctively just walked, turn the corner and started walking toward my door. And I got the tug like, ah, this is. Hey, sloppy seconds. You're over here.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a power move to reflexively go to your dressing room.

[Adam Carolla]

I was going to my dressing room and I got the. No, you go, no, it's this one. But then later on, I thought, I'm going to go say hi to the guy. Maybe we'll get him on the podcast. And I went and I knocked on the door and he opened it. He was super friendly and his wife super friendly. And he did this one where I go, hi, I'd like to introduce myself a man. And he goes, yeah, no, no, I know you. We have a. We have a friend in common.

[Allison Rosen]

We both.

[Adam Carolla]

We both. What about Fred? And there's a Sad moment. You guys have all been hit with that thing, right, where they bring up the name who you don't know, and they go, fred. Fred says hi.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but, like, you want to have the bonding moment.

[Artie Lang]

So you're like, I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Fred is.

[Allison Rosen]

And so what do you say?

[Adam Carolla]

I sort of did the lean, like the. I have no idea. And he probably saw it in my eyes. And then he went, you know. Because he's a lone ranger. Who, by the way, I don't know what percentage of people growing up called him the Long Ranger. Nobody. Was that just me?

[Brian Bishop]

Zero.

[Adam Carolla]

Zero. Oh, come on.

[Brian Bishop]

The Long Ranger.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Brian Bishop]

There may have been a porno.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Mike Lawrence]

More.

[Adam Carolla]

More people call it Star Trek than Star Trek, right? Hold on, hold on.

[Artie Lang]

You know what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Mike. Come on. This is. First off, Mike's a nerd.

[Brian Bishop]

He's not gonna go for this.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now, hold on. First off, I know more. You called Obi Wan Kenobi. Obi Wan Kenobi.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Obi Wan Kenobi. That's the way they fucking said. They say Juan. No one says, why was that guy in a space name. We got Mexicans in space. Come on, give me a break. They never leave the ground, those people. They are firmly cemented to the ground.

[Mike Lawrence]

They never get more like, help me, Obi Wan. You're my only hope.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like, highest Mexican's ever been off the ground is when they get on that. A frame ladder at the Home Depot and get you something off the upper shelf. That. No, no, that's. That's. That's.

[Mike Lawrence]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a stat. I'm not making that up. I'm not making that up.

[Allison Rosen]

I learned that in school.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. That's. I'm not. It sounds offensive. It's an actual statistic.

[Artie Lang]

I'm not.

[Mike Lawrence]

Tatooine is basically the Mexico of Star wars, though. We have to be honest there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Nerd.

[Mike Lawrence]

Totally is. All those fucking sand people.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so hold on. Nobody knew it was Obi Wan? Juan Kenobi?

[Allison Rosen]

It sounds wrong to me now.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds wrong. They just want Obi Wan Kenobi.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And everyone says Star Trek.

[Artie Lang]

Every.

[Brian Bishop]

Everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please.

[Allison Rosen]

Some people out here surely say Star Trek.

[Adam Carolla]

This is why everyone hates.

[Mike Lawrence]

If you correct someone on that, you forget what tastes like. That is an actual thing that happens. Star Trek.

[Adam Carolla]

And when I was a little boy, I called him the Long Ranger because I didn't know what loan I didn't know what Lone meant when I was nine. You know what I mean?

[Mike Lawrence]

Like, yeah, knows I did.

[Brian Bishop]

Ironically, you were alone.

[Adam Carolla]

I was alone. Not having an adult explain to me what loan meant. No one else did. The Long Ranger. Couple hands. All right. But the Obi Wan Kenobi. Yes. Overwhelming majority of non nerds know what pussy tastes like. And then the star track. More, more. More than two things.

[Mike Lawrence]

Just one guy here's like. His name is Baba Fett. It's Baba.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So I, I, I don't even know where we are. We'll get a little feedback. So I have this whole thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Army Hammer.

[Adam Carolla]

Armie Hammer.

[Mike Lawrence]

I have the greatest name ever, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Mike Lawrence]

That's what you should name your dick. Like, Army Hammer. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Did you tell him that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I should have. His wife was right there, figured out I already figured out I was going to name it the Pork Bullet. Right after that story about the pork bullets for the Muslim. So it's already kind of got named. Maybe I can name my balls.

[Artie Lang]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't want to say this yesterday. Do you feel like naming your dick the Pork Bullet suggests a length issue.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I mean, like, like, you're.

[Allison Rosen]

I would go with, like, pork missile.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, missile. Oh, I see. Bullet. Yeah, but the Missile sounds like you're trying too hard.

Yeah.

[Mike Lawrence]

But poor Bullet brings up the sensitive issue of gun control.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. Pork Silo.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So I said to Armies what I wanted to do on the show, but they don't leave the guys out there anymore. Like, they used to leave some shows. You walk in and then they get up and they slide over one seat and then you slide in. Now everyone just does their shit and leaves.

[Allison Rosen]

I used to love it when there would be a guest that wouldn't stop talking during the other one segment. Yeah, it was always like some drunk regular. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

So I. My whole thing, my joke was I was gonna come in and say to army, hey, man, tell your brother I'm a huge, huge fan. I mean, that guy can act his ass off. Jimmy, did you know that his brother played both the Hasselbloss twins in Social Network? Yeah, that.

[Mike Lawrence]

That's a different way to pronounce Hasselhoff.

[Adam Carolla]

You see it in that in a Social Network movie. And then he'd go, that was. That was him. And I'd go, dude, is your name Artie? And he'd go, no. And I'd go, well, then it's just. Anyway, tell your brother, Adam Carolla. Massive Fan, except for he was not on stage, so I could not share that bit of wisdom with him. But super nice guy, lives in town, swears he's coming on the podcast. August is on it, but I don't know if his publicist is going to see fit to do that.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, August is on it, so it's a done deal.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Mike Lawrence]

Then.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa. A lot, A lot of star going on last night. Went out to dinner last night with John Krasinski and. And Jimmy. Oh, we just went out to this really cool place and from the office. Real nice guy.

[Allison Rosen]

And he's married to Emily Blunt, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He is. He is married to Emily.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's dreamier in person, him or Armie Hammer? Oh, well, it depends what kind of dream. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it my head or my loins talking?

[Mike Lawrence]

John Swacinski is who you are. Armie Hammer is who you want to be. I feel like it's different types of levels.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly what I told you guys.

[Allison Rosen]

Think you're John Krasinski.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I. Emily Blunt is a sweetheart and really nice and I guess used to date Michael Buble because Michael Bubbly. Oh, Bubbly. Sorry, Bubba Fett. It's always funny when someone volunteers, like when they go, like, like he was, like, saying, yeah, Emily used to, used to talk. Jimmy and I were talking about the fact that we could go out and do a show, and if there was one guy sitting in the front row with his arms crossed, we would be pissed off no matter if thousand people had a good time. And then he went on to talk about, like, well, Michael Buble. Michael. Emily would always say, michael Buble, blah, blah, blah. 16,000 people. One guy wasn't having a good time. And I'd be like, oh, did she work with Michael Buble or something? And she said, no, she, she dated him. And I was like, I never know how to come back. Oh, okay. She was fucking Michael.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, as part of me, like, he's like, I don't. Like, he's a douche. Like, there's a part of me that as a dude just wants to go, yeah, that guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's like you want to be like, well, how do you feel about this? Yeah, like, let me know how I'm

[Brian Bishop]

supposed to feel about.

[Artie Lang]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, I, like, I, I, I want to go. I bet your dick's bigger.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, like, I don't. Like, they volunteered it. So I'm not sure what to do with it now, but, But I don't want to say, like, I'm a huge Buble fan. Do you think you could give me his, his email or something? On the other hand, I have to have this weird neutral position, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Well, wait, I have a question. Let's say Lynette had dated someone famous before you and you knew stories about this. You would never repeat them in conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

I wouldn't. If she was like, buble. Buble Sounds like a way that you prepare a meat, doesn't it?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you like a buble? We can go Cajun style. We can go blackened or buble.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, how do you recommend preparing the buble?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would, I would probably not weave it into conversations. But on the other hand, I, I love the security of it. You know what I mean? I love the fact that, you know, that was then and this is now. And here, here we go. Like I. Away we go. I think that was the name of one of his movies. I feel like John Krasinski.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like usually discussions of exes involve. And so that's why he. Blah, blah, blah.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Explanations for why the person.

[Adam Carolla]

This was simply just brought up in conversation.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm not okay with that.

[Adam Carolla]

On the other hand, some of these things are big enough news that you're just supposed to know. Like I should have been. I, I got a bone up on my buble. Although when I ordered buble style, I get it. Deboned, Great dessert. So I, I did a power move. I, I, Jimmy got up to go to the bathroom and you tell me if this makes me a bad person. Probably does. We were eating at this place where it was like they gave you the two and a half hour conversation about everything on the menu and about how the meat was prepared and how it's dry rubbed and aged and blah blah, blah, blah, blah. TGI Fridays, it's called a blooming onion because. And it was super high end. And we're ordering bottles of wine that God knows how much they cost and stuff like that. And then at some point, Jimmy got up to go to the bathroom and John, because he's a good, much better person than me, said to the waitress, come here. And handed him his credit card and said, Jimmy will never ever let anyone pay. He just will not let anyone else pay. This is the only way I can ever pay for a meal, is to sneak it in this way. And then.

[Allison Rosen]

Funny how people present that like as annoying quiet quality, like he won't let anyone pay.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you have to pretend that you're annoyed by it. I do that fake thing where I'm reaching for my wallet, but I don't even have it. I don't even have my wallet. I keep it in my car most of the time. It's like when people try to stick up a liquor store with a sweat jacket in their finger through the pocket. You know what I mean? Like, all right, I need that cash. Like, I do that. Yeah. If anyone let me just go, they'd realize there was nothing there.

[Mike Lawrence]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, look. I mean, look. Look at my ass right now.

[Mike Lawrence]

There's zero.

[Adam Carolla]

The zero wallet there. But I would still do the move where I lean forward and start reaching for our imaginary wallet. So John gave him the credit card, made sure that they were, you know, once she got like four and a half steps away, I did the lean. Hey, John, let me help out with that, too. She's. I missed her.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure he know. He insists, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this place has pork chops that are literally 14 inches long. Like the Fred Flintstone esque pork chops. Literally the ones that were used in the cartoon.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm afraid to see the pig these came from.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Yeah, they're giant. Giant killer pigs. And. And. And so big and long and whatever. And we just ordered everything. And at a certain point it was like, well, we're wrapping it up because we're not going to leave half a pig there. And then we got the point where. Jimmy, you want to take the. No, I'm good. I had enough. John, are you going? No. No.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, all right. I didn't pay for shit. I drank the most wine. I'm walking out with half a pig. It was fucking awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

You just openly said you'll take it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what am I gonna do? My hand is forced.

[Mike Lawrence]

See, that's what Walt sounds like to me. When you get leftovers and you're like, I'm good. I mean, my grandma used to take the complimentary rolls at diners.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah?

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah. And she'd be like, I need more. And then we'll just put them in her pocket. I love that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pocket rolls.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah. Sad, but I beat the fucking system. Yeah, I'm on to you, then.

[Adam Carolla]

Was burned quite badly at the. At the valet.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I did the move at the valet where I said, look, Jimmy, you pay for every meal. I got the 30 pounds of pork and a satchel to put it over my shoulder. It's a doggy duffel bag. Could not be carried. You know, there's no handle strong enough. I. If you could carry it with one arm, you just walk in a circle until. Until you were depleted and that's where they would find you.

[Allison Rosen]

People have died that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hey, hand of God. Hand of God. Look it up. Look it up. It's happened. Hand of God. So then we get to the valet thing, and it's. It's 10 bucks a car. And I go, we took three separate cars. And I go, I got this one. And I reached, I reached. And I did reach in my pocket and I had like $2. And I was like. And I did, I did pull out my wallet, but there was literally just $1 in the wallet. And I was like, oh, I don't have any cash. Sorry about that guy. And the guy said, we take credit cards. I was like, what the fuck? When did the valet start taking credit cards? When did this happen?

[Mike Lawrence]

When people only had $2 in their pocket?

[Adam Carolla]

Did they start taking credit cards when airlines started taking credit cards? And are we all on credit cards on airlines now?

[Allison Rosen]

I think many airlines, they only take credit card, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've never.

[Brian Bishop]

But I've never used a credit card. I've only used cash at the parking people for L. A. Never, ever used credit cards.

[Adam Carolla]

Shouldn't. Let me, Let me say this. I don't sound like an ass wife, but here goes. You go into the fucking Denny's, you go into the ihop, you go into the Marie Calendars. There's ample parking and it's free, and there's never any hassle. We just went to a place where I know John dropped 475 to $535. And now we have to pay 10 bucks for parking. And then people do that thing all the time where they go, yeah, well, the valet is not part of the restaurant. They're just a valet. And I'm like, yes, but there are many businesses. Neither is the guy who cleans the aquarium, but I don't have to pay him, you understand? There's a whole bunch of that goes on here that has nothing to do with me. It has something to do with the restaurant.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, even car dealerships have customary valet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they're the. There's a place that cleans the tablecloth. There's claws. There's linen companies. There's companies that come in and clean the bathrooms and clean the floors and clean the grease out of the flu and all that kind of. But no one asked me to pay them. It's part of the restaurant experience. Why is it, I mean, you go to Nobu, I've been to Nobu and places like that with, like, William Morris agents that had the credit Card. We have racked up like $1300 and then got out to the curb. And it's like $8, sir. And I've been like, oh, shit, I got $5 shirts, $8, and like, could you go get some of the 1300 I just dropped in your shitty joint out there? Yeah, we're not affiliated with them. You guys should get to know each other. What do you do, just set up shop in front of random restaurants? We don't speak. We're ships in the night.

[Mike Lawrence]

How it costs money to you? Like you spent 500 on the meal. That's like, that's. That's like a dog, you know, in Foster's Chicken, you know, like, that's a proud moment. And then there's a bathroom attendant there. You got to get money. That's the worst.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Allison Rosen]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

If you. If you go over $200, you should be able to just produce a receipt that says, hey, I'm in the 200 plus club. And get your car for free. And if you go over a thousand dollars, they should put a roach in your. In your ashtray and give you a reach around.

[Mike Lawrence]

Free.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Mike Lawrence]

Over 200. Free parking. The monopoly rule, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's insane that you pay 4.99 for a fresh and fruity Rudy Tooty breakfast over there, whatever the that was.

[Mike Lawrence]

And they treat you better.

[Adam Carolla]

They treat you better. And then you get shaken down out on the fucking curb after you drop 500 bucks.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The.

[Allison Rosen]

I have a question that is probably many people know the answer to, but for those who don't, where do they put your car when they don't have their own little parking valet? Where are they just driving it around to come back?

[Adam Carolla]

I think they have a deal with all those. You know, all those. It's one of those Los Angeles things where. And I'm. I'm a really poor reader. And they have signs where they have stacked up so many signs.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yes. I never. I can never make sense of that either. I feel like the signs are contradicting each other.

[Adam Carolla]

I. First off, I look like a severely impaired person because I literally put my finger into the air and I drag it under the thing. And then I have to. I have to find someone and ask them questions like, all right, it's not Wednesday, right? It's not. It's not. All right. It's not between. Wait a minute, 12am Is that in the afternoon?

[Allison Rosen]

No, that's the night.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the day. Okay, so it's not between 6:00am and 12:00am okay, that's not Wednesday, and there's no parking on Wednesday. Oh, wait a minute. This guy's drunk and doing the whole thing. And then you, then you get to the bottom and then you go, but if I have a permit that lets me park here, I can. But I don't need that permit now because it's not between 6 a. It's not Wednesday. Right. All right. And then, and I keep going. And then I have to check it with somebody next to me as a decent student.

[Brian Bishop]

And you eventually figure out there's a 15 minute window between noon and 12:15 on Thursday where you can park.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah, I, I. And so I think they run them all out there and park them in those places because I, I do feel a little bit weird when you see the guy and he's supposed to be valeting your car, but you see him sprinting down the street. Yeah, like what, he need to drop it off in Compton? Is it up on cinder blocks right now? You doing with my car? And by the way, I could have parked it over there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, that's the thing. I'm like, oh, so I'm just paying someone to parallel park this far away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

The, the other sign that's impossible to read is when you're driving kind of fast and you want to make a left turn, you see something that says no left turn except during. I cannot do that math when I'm going fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I, we live in the. Anyway, I get going on parking. I would start to lose my voice if I get going on parking. All right. And, and, and this city and traffic and, and everything else. Should we, should we do a little news? Allison Rosen, you want to do that?

[Allison Rosen]

We, yes, do news. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I'm saying the news with Allison Rosen.

[Artie Lang]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Brian Bishop]

Allison.

[Artie Lang]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it up with Zippy Conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all the sun. Boom, boom.

[Allison Rosen]

So all sorts of craziness and unrest happening in Egypt by the time people at home hear this.

[Adam Carolla]

The Middle East. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I don't know exactly what will be going on, but technically it's Africa.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. Africa.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I actually, Okay, I actually, No, I googled, is Egypt Middle east today? Because I knew this might come up. I believe it is. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

You believe.

[Mike Lawrence]

People have killed each other over this discussion, by the way. That's probably why they're fighting.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, so there's a Coup.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Morrissey has been deposed and he's under house arrest. Eight people have died so far.

[Adam Carolla]

Girlfriend's in a coma. What's going on?

[Mike Lawrence]

You say Morrissey has been deposed.

[Allison Rosen]

Not Morrissey.

[Mike Lawrence]

Morrissey got in a fight with the guy from the Cure last night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, all right. Anyway, his hairdresser's on fire. I can't remember all the more songs

[Allison Rosen]

anyway, but it bumps.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Listen, I, I look, I don't know what someone's. Someone's got a. Someone's got it. That whole Someone needs to sit down that entire region and go. Do you understand? Since I was in the fifth grade, every news story started with trouble in the Middle East. You guys understand that? I always watch a Saturday Night live episode from 1977. It will start with. When they do the fake news. It starts with trouble in the Middle East. What the fuck is wrong? Can you get your shit together? People you fucking get. And by the way, I'm tired of this bullshit where they go, hey, it's the same thing every time. It's not. It's not the people. It's not the people. It's the leaders. And I always go, really? What part of Canada are they from? Thank you. Think about it.

[Mike Lawrence]

I feel.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like at a certain point, maybe it is the people. Maybe, maybe just maybe. Maybe it's the people. Maybe. Or it's the leaders that are used to be the people. Like, I don't know what the nationality of the leaders are.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then what, do they just come from Planet Asshole and they just. They bring them in on a shuttle from Planet Asshole to run their country? And who fucking gets them into power?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, Morsi, Not Morrissey. Morrissey was elected by the people.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now they're unelecting him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know how I'm. I don't know how we're supposed to regard this. Because the idea of an uprising and people taking back the whatever seems like a good thing. But I feel like in these situations, it's usually not a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, plus, if I was like a news correspondent, I wouldn't be. But if I was over there doing news, I'd be like, millions of people have taken to the street. Or you're already kind of in the street. I mean, there is a difference here. We take to the street. You guys kind of already were on the street. Now you're lighting something on fire, but you're already there. It's not really a demonstration if you're already there. You know what I'm saying, I always

[Mike Lawrence]

just imagine two groups of Middle Easterns dancing to, like, west side Story, like, in the middle of the desert, just going,

[Adam Carolla]

the jets and the Sharks. Yeah.

[Mike Lawrence]

I mean, I feel like when you read those stories, it's like Mad Libs. It's the same story every day. It's like you just put in the number of people, the place and the way they died. But it's the same fucking story every time. Mid Libs. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, and what are they gonna do? Who they gonna install? Somebody else.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. I don't know. I don't know who he was saying. Morsi was saying that he was still ruling. And then the arm, the army said

[Adam Carolla]

to him, maybe, like, I rule. You know what I mean?

[Mike Lawrence]

He just has a shirt that says Morrissey rules. Yeah, with a Z. Morris, he rules.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Well, I'm sure those kids will have it settled. Settled by the weekend. If I know the Middle east slash Africa, whatever problems they have over there, by latest 5 o' clock Sunday, that'll be our time. Remember, problem solved. Problem solved. Because it could never be the people.

[Mike Lawrence]

Remember in cartoons when two characters would fight, it would just be a cloud with stars popping out? Yeah. That's the entire Middle east region.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. You think he's kidding? If you go to outer space and you look down on that part of the world, you just see. You just see the dust with the stars popping out. That's all there.

[Mike Lawrence]

Just an Egyptian guy going, oh, I oughta.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And every once in a while a guy will pop his head up and another guy's hand will pop and pull it back into the dust cloud.

[Mike Lawrence]

That was a real Donnie Brock.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think right now there's a bump that's emerged at his hair and there's a bird flying around it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like. I like the super. The super responsible message that we. There was two great head trauma messages from my youth. One is, is when Gilligan got hit on the head with the coconut and forgot who he was. He didn't know the Skipper was or Marianne was or anything like that. The only thing that cured it was another blow from a coconut. So more head trauma. Ask anyone in the NFL. You need to be concussed immediately after the first concussion.

[Mike Lawrence]

Julian would just have a concussion. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But the other horrible message was when you did get the head trauma and you got that huge lump, you needed a hammer to knock that lump back down again. This is sound medical principle here, people. This is not a comedian up on stage talking shit. Hand of God, look it up.

[Allison Rosen]

Did that same thing happen on Charles in Charge?

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

He thought he was Chaz, alternate personality.

[Adam Carolla]

And they. And then, yeah, he.

[Allison Rosen]

He hit his head again and snapped back.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Anyone who's ever seen a heavyweight boxing match knows that when a guy gets hit clean with a right cross and his knees buckle these days, confused, the only thing that'll bring him out of it is another straight right cross.

[Mike Lawrence]

Someone just needs to hit Muhammad Ali

[Adam Carolla]

again and just hit him again. That's right. It'll reboot like a computer. It's a valid point. He hasn't been hit in a long time. They've been trying all this medication.

[Mike Lawrence]

Float like a butterfly, sting like a. What?

[Artie Lang]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Hit him again. Let's just see if it knocks him back in his greatness.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, maybe.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe Gilligan had it right. Maybe all the NFL guys who were having problems just ended on the wrong odd number of hits.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they needed one more hit.

[Mike Lawrence]

He doesn't even need to be hit by.

[Artie Lang]

Just.

[Mike Lawrence]

Just throw a George Foreman grill at him. It's close enough, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

I think, Brian, you bring a pretty good point because everyone who's been through the NFL has been concussed multiple times. Anyone who's played Pop Warner and then on to high school and at the college level and NFL, there, there's no such thing as escaping being concussed and head trauma at that level. So half the guys seem fine. You know, you talk to Marcus Allen today? He's completely lucid and fine. No, no. And he suffered concussions that he may have went out on the right.

[Brian Bishop]

Concussion on an even number of head trauma.

[Adam Carolla]

Even number of head traumas. And then the other guys that have the dementia and Alzheimer's, they went out on the odd. So now you have to tell your player you have to play another season and get concussed one more time so you can go out on a high note, so you can get onto your. You can get your business degree.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, if we could just get the guys to run into each other, we could solve this problem half the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but no, that's going to the

[Brian Bishop]

guys with the odd numbers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the odd number of guys. Oh, yeah. No, that's. Again, just science. Look it up.

[Allison Rosen]

I would love to get some doctor to spearhead this movement.

[Adam Carolla]

Spearhead. That's what we're going to call it. We're called the Spearhead Project. Operation Spearhead. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

So a sheriff at Bristol County Jail, which is the jail where Aaron Hernandez is being held, he pled not Guilty has said that he's going to do what he can to make sure that Aaron Hernandez does not get married while in jail. He said, I feel that those rights, marriage are things that you access on the outside. If you're a good citizen, we'll do everything we can to not have that happen. There is sort of. So there, there's an extra reason why. So Hernandez is. He has a fiance, but there's an extra reason why he might want to marry her, which is that if they get married, then she would be protected from testifying against him. So there's like a strategic reason for them to get married.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Yeah. I look this thing and by the way, I don't. You know, there's a lot of stuff like when you're incarcerated, you're, you're kept in a cement box against your will every day. You don't get Sundays off and you don't get to go back and watch the super bowl at the TGI Fridays and then, you know, head back again like you're in a fucking cement box. So you, your rights have been infringed upon to some degree. I would, I would argue to the ultimate degree.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And then later on we start going, all right, we're keeping them in a bad box like Veal so he can be anally raped by his bigger bunk mate, but still should be able to get married. Right. And I'm like, no, no. Once you kill somebody, you forfeit certain rights. Like voting. They don't vote from the joint, do they? They don't. There's certain things you forfeit when you do things. Yeah. When you shoot other people, you don't get to go out and wear. Yeah. Designer jeans anymore. You don't get to wear True Religion jeans in the joint.

[Allison Rosen]

That's oftentimes the hardest thing to give up.

[Adam Carolla]

You know how many cartons of cigarettes it takes to get True Religion jeans in the joint?

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah. You don't get to wear a YOLO shirt anymore. You just have to tattoo it on your face.

[Adam Carolla]

Your Days of Ed Hardy T shirts

[Mike Lawrence]

are in all the freedoms that you lose.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Mike Lawrence]

You don't get to go to Nickelback concerts. You don't get to go to Pinkberry.

[Adam Carolla]

You need a counselor.

[Mike Lawrence]

I'm trying to.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't feel like the guys who end up in prison were doing a lot of voting.

[Adam Carolla]

You might be right. But I'm just saying the right to do everything has really left you because we're keeping you in a cement box. And I'm okay With that. Because you took someone else's life so thus. And by the way, these ass wipes get married, as I always say, they have. Then they get conjugal visits, then they have a bunch of kids. Then the kid becomes either nature or nurture. It's either his fucking demon seed or her retarded seed that decided her retarded egg and his demon seed got together as a great horrible kids. I mean, like I said, Tex Watson has four kids from inside the joint. He's fucking. He's what? Charlie's Charles Manson's henchmen. And he had a bunch of kids after he did all the standing.

[Allison Rosen]

I would argue that's a real absentee father.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yes, I. I went. I went to visit a friend in prison once, and they had the best vending machine selections I've ever seen. They're like potato skins. They had Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Really? Vending machine? Yeah, yeah. When you get to visit. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But did the prisoners have access to it?

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, during visitation days, there was like, wow. Pavilion, where.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they got a Ben and Jerry's.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, there's better vending machines on the inside?

[Mike Lawrence]

Yes, like. Like within, you know, there's like a visiting center. And so within there they have, you know, like the vending machines that have, like, the sandwiches and. Yeah, the coffee vending machine. Like every type of vending machine you've ever seen in your life, they have there.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd your friend do?

[Mike Lawrence]

Can I just say Florida. And everyone knows. Yeah, that's it. Florida.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we'd rather know that.

[Mike Lawrence]

Kill somebody? No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Stabbed him?

[Mike Lawrence]

No, he didn't. No, he didn't. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Drugs? A manatee?

[Mike Lawrence]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I think when I think Florida.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah. He raped a manatee to a Jimmy Buffett song. It was a really brutality.

[Adam Carolla]

Another manatee looking for that.

[Mike Lawrence]

Swimming towards that dick like it's a speedboat.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mannies get hit by a lot of propellers. But I figure, look, you're gonna be that fat and that slow and hang out in shallow water, you're asking for it.

[Allison Rosen]

They're so cute, though.

[Adam Carolla]

They are. But what do we really need them for?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. I don't. I. I don't even. I don't even know what category they belong in. Are they like hippos?

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, they're sea cows. They're. When the conquistadors came to Florida, they're the animals that they first saw and they thought. They thought that.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you learn this in Florida school?

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Did you learn this in school.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I still don't know why we fought Vietnam, but yeah. And we would. Yeah, we would learn that they thought that manatees were mermaids.

[Adam Carolla]

I did that.

That.

How drunk. How, how drunk a conquistador and how much of a chubby chaser do you have to be to be like.

[Allison Rosen]

What's your idea of women? If you think about manatee as a

[Mike Lawrence]

womanity is a woman. If that Manatees at a Slipknot concert. I feel like that's how it works.

[Adam Carolla]

And the things like off in the distance, like, like, oh, the siren song of the beautiful mermaid.

[Mike Lawrence]

The only, the only woman that looks like a manatee is the real Wendy from the Wendy's commercials. Not like the hot one, but the. My father brought chili to Wendy's. She said thank you. You just gave me a lifeline. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Something about the square burger always bothered me. I don't know what that was. I should like it more.

[Allison Rosen]

Why? Because it's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's more meat.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. But you. And you've talked about this. You don't like things that have sharp corners. Like all the furniture that you make is round.

[Adam Carolla]

Dog ear everything. Yeah, yeah. If you ever go through my house, everything is dog eared. Even my dog is missing its ear, actually. Got it. Honestly, she's missing her ear.

[Mike Lawrence]

She deserves that fucking chicken then. She's been through a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess so. I should have fed her her fucking ears. What I should have done.

[Allison Rosen]

I was actually wondering about the way that you do that with furniture. Is that because of flow and feng shui or is it so people don't knock their knees on stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

Another good cop buddy Team Flo is the skinny red haired white chick and feng shui's big black mama with a huge fro Flo feng shui. Need you right here in my office right now. You.

[Mike Lawrence]

You could have gone the easy Asian.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a feng shui like funk. She puts the funk in feng shui and she's got a huge fro and big.

[Mike Lawrence]

Oh, you didn't mix my sepias with my fuchsias, did you, bitch?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, flowing feng shui. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I love.

[Mike Lawrence]

Is feng shui.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

Yes.

Sandy Duncan is fucking up my ambiance. Ambiance's neighbor.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so when I design things like when I do like a house and an island and things like that and kitchen and stuff like that, I clip the corners off because you're walking through this thing. It's like you're. You walk through your. Through your sink and come around, whatever. And everyone makes everything sharp. And you don't really need that corner. If you picture like an island, it shouldn't be square because you don't put your drinks and your on that corner that you cut off anyway. So I dog ear everything and I cut everything off in a 45 degree and I did it at the shop. I do it at my house. Everywhere I go I do it, I clip the corners and it makes for non sharp edges and it helps.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's for both, it's flow and so people don't bum into things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, flow and feng shui. Feng shui. I need to lift your shield right now.

[Mike Lawrence]

It sounds like a shitty 80s pop song.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody feng shui tonight. Feng shui. You shot up that preschool. Those are special needs kids now. I need your shield right now.

[Mike Lawrence]

That, that whole time you're talking about sharp corners, I was just imagining that whole thing in Andy Rooney's voice. The thing about sharp corners. Don't you hate when there's a sharp corner and you hurt your finger on it? I was in World War II realize my Wendy's voice in my, I have no ranges of vocal feng shui was. Oh, thank you. That was awesome. Yeah, I appreciate that. I peaked.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is it just me? I miss, I miss Andy.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, I do too.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys miss him complaining about.

[Mike Lawrence]

He was like, he was like seeing like an awesome stand up comic and the punchline never came. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know people said deal with

[Mike Lawrence]

I like them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I, I was, I always like that.

[Mike Lawrence]

Well, he would, because you would get like, like three really goofy ones and then you get a really serious one. So it'd be like, I hate how buttons feel so lonely on my shirt. And then it would just be like we need to do something about these black people. You're like, what?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I missed that one. I would have liked that. But yeah, I also like the idea that he just didn't give a fuck about his eyebrows.

[Mike Lawrence]

Like no matter how his eyebrows and Scorsese's eyebrows should just as and give birth to the world's largest caterpillar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they have a super brow. Yeah. Like I got, I have huge eyebrows too. But I, I trim them and like they will keep going. Like it will, it will be a disaster. I always, I, I, I get them, I, I now get them waxed and if I don't, they'll grow up like the side of my head. They'll grow together. I always, they always ask you like, well what, what do you, what are you looking for? Like what what shape do you want? What do you want? And I always, like, I always go make it look like I'm listening. So, like, when my wife starts talking about one of her friends, I don't have to work my facial muscles anymore. You know, I just, I, I, you know, I like that. You know what I mean? When she'd be like, she's so smart just because she got a raise, and my face goes, just be like, well, got one brow up in the air.

[Mike Lawrence]

And in contrast, Andy Rooney's eyebrows look like they had to bury other eyebrows.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I was going to ask, how do you know when it's time to get them waxed again? But you obviously, when Lynette says, are you listening to me?

[Adam Carolla]

You're like, yeah. Oh, I got to get those eyebrows waxed. Definitely. See, my brows have tuned out.

[Allison Rosen]

And you find it not that painful.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I, I, my, my eyebrows. All the hair in my body is stubborn, you know what I mean? And it does not want to leave its place. Like, it fights like it hangs on. Like, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving this guy's forehead. No. And the other eyebrows are clinging onto it. I'll save you.

[Mike Lawrence]

It's like a Native American building a furry casino on your chest.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's exactly what it is. By the way, the furry, the Native American building a furry casino on your chest sounds like the wildest gay move ever. Like, that's when the guy defecates on you after he leaves.

[Mike Lawrence]

Like Lake Tanto. The star of the Long Ranger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Ranger. So there's always that thing where I don't want to go with the guy. You know, when the guys, like there's two guys. There's, there's a couple of guys. There's the Jersey shore guys, and then there's like the Armenian guys who go over the crazy. Way too overdone brown.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

My, the best look is the look of wow. You have naturally beautiful brows or tits or teeth or hair. But when someone comes up and goes, when'd you get your tits done? That's a bad job. Or that's a nice rug. That's a bad job. Or when you get your teeth fixed. You know what I mean? So it's like, you always want that. Like, you know, they always want to widen it out in the middle too much, and we're like, eh, leave it there. It leave it close. And then they always have to comment. I have a fairly large scar on the bridge of my, my nose that even though I'm 49 years old. They have to point it out to me as if I'm gonna go, what? Give me a mirror. Are you kidding me? When did this happen? Was I attacked in my sleep last

[Allison Rosen]

night, but it's already had time to heal.

[Mike Lawrence]

Do you have a cool scar story, or is it like, I had a shitty day at lenscraft? Like, what?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I went. I went skiing one time in my life. No, I went with. I went. My friend Jeff Buck's family. Whatever I did, I'd have to go with other people's families because our family's too cheap and too pathetic. They're stupid to do anything. They would never drive up a hill and rent skis or anything like that. And then they probably found out it was enjoyable, so got on their blacklist immediately. But I did go with another friend, and I was just going down the hill and collided with another skier. And we got tangled up, and when we were getting untangled, the guy took his leg and he swung it, like, over and around in the butt of his ski. Just blunt force trauma. My sunglasses had, like, fallen off in the melee, and he didn't slash me or anything. It was just, like, blunt force, pow, right on the bone. And. And it made a big gash. And it was a nice contrast to the white snow because blood was just pouring down my face. And then I had to get back up under my skis and kind of go down the rest of the mountain to go to wherever the. You know, wherever the first aid place was. And blood was just. And people were going up the hill, were like, going like, oh, my God, you know, because your head bleeds a ton. And I probably needed, like, 12 stitches, but I just went to the. You know, I went to the. The ambulance place or whatever the. And they just put a piece of tape on it. And then when I got home, I probably should have got it looked at by, like, someone who knew what they were doing. But I realized at that point that modeling probably wasn't going to be my career. Like, when you're cleaning up trash on a construction site, having a scar on your face is actually helpful.

[Allison Rosen]

How old were you?

[Adam Carolla]

People leave you alone. I was like, when you're hoping other

[Mike Lawrence]

families take you on ski trips, you're probably not going to be a model. That's right. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I was not in Milan having sex with a Middle Eastern dude. I was at Bear Mountain.

[Mike Lawrence]

Even when they. It's the giant storm cloud with the stars popping. Stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even that. So I just said, oh, it's. And by the way, speaking of Plastic surgeons and models and stuff. I. I don't know if you guys have noticed, but Jimmy Kimmel's got like 12 stitches in his cheek. I went out to dinner with him last night, but a week ago, too, we were fucking rekindling this relationship, me and Jimmy. But I said, how'd you get the. You got 12. He had a band aid, black eye, and 12 stitches right in his cheek. He said, how'd you. By the way? Inner stitches and outer stitches. When you go to a good cosmetic surgeon, plastic surgeon, they have to, you know, you're on TV for a living. Can't have a big fucking. Can't look like a pirate. And he said, well, I said, how many stitches you get? He said, I got 12 stitches. I said, well, the cut's not that big. He said, no, 12. Six inside, six outside. The six inside dissolve. I think. I always think. I think that's bullshit. I think they lie to you. I would tell you I gave you six inside. They dissolve.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. How are you going to prove it?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not going to taste them or you're not going to. Into a spaghetti colander and be like, where are those stitches that dissolve?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

I want my money back. So I said, jimmy, how'd you get this stitch? What. What happened. What happened with. What happened to your eyes? And this is perfect, Jimmy. I opened my car door into my own face for lunch, by the way. Like, not even drunk. Like, literally one out. What happened? As I always complain, they do this where they do the one hour max parking meters, and they do it all up and down, like Melrose and Restaurant Row and all that. And they well know that it takes exactly an hour and nine minutes to eat lunch with a friend. But they give you one hour and you do that shit where you park, and you always put in an extra quarter to see if it'll go past an hour, but it just stays there. By the way, that quarter should fall out the bottom.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What you do once you go past an hour, you get to an hour and you feed in that last quarter to go. If I can kick it past hour and it doesn't, why keep my fucking quarter? That should come out of the bottom. But anyway, it keeps that quarter. Then you go into the restaurant and sometimes you have to walk a hundred yards because it's way down the thing. And then you get that text from your friend, like, running a couple minutes late, and they order me a salad, and then the person shows up, they're like 12, 15 minutes late, and then you're eating and you're staring at your watch all time. And then you have to run back out to your car and put another quarter in. Because the only thing the city does efficiently is hand out chicken shit tickets. That's the only thing we do right. That's the only thing we do well. I mean, we hate it. But the only thing you could admit that the city does with any real consistency, it's not the fucking. Look, I took my dog. I took my dog. I took my dog for a hike tonight. And we went up to the thing at the top of the hill, and I looked down and. And I realized they had fixed this drainage ditch thing that they had a piece of plywood on. I'd lived in my house for 10 years. It took them 10 years to fucking fix this thing. But if your car was parked there illegally, fucking Johnny on the spot. You're. I mean, the average. Wait, look, you call 91 1. The cops take two hours to show up at your fucking house. The average wait time on the chicken shit parking ticket is 38 seconds. So you do that thing where now you're in the middle of lunch and you go, hey, I got to run out to the car and I got to feed another two quarters in and run back again. Jimmy was doing that. Open the car door into his own face.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. No, that's something I would do because I can fall down just from a standing position.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but he's chan.

[Allison Rosen]

But he. How did he. He broke the skin. Like, what part of the door hit him?

[Adam Carolla]

Just the corner of the car door, like the suv, which is, like, right about cheek height as he flung it open into his own face. Oh, yeah. Well, if you've seen him drive, you would believe it.

[Allison Rosen]

There's also just back to the inside stitches. That kind of gives me the willies thinking about it.

[Mike Lawrence]

It does.

[Allison Rosen]

If it's on your cheek. Like, what's going on inside there where there's room for stitches?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Like I said, I think it's bullshit. When I used to work for a carpet cleaning place, my boss would always go to the guy owned the restaurant. Like, well, for another 69 bucks, we can do the Teflon trading. It's really cool. Important, you know, Carpet will last another five years. And I go, all right, do the. Do the Teflon treatment on it. And then he tell me to go in the back, get the Hudson sprayer, the pump sprayer. Just fill it up in the sink in the toilet. Like the bathrooms filled up with water. And then he'd go do the teflon treatment. I think it's the same. They're just spraying sink water on it. I think it's the same thing with plastic surgeons. I don't trust those guys as far as I can throw.

[Mike Lawrence]

No, you're an inside stitch conspiracy theorist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got the inside stuff. Scoop on the inside stitch. Believe you me.

[Mike Lawrence]

Inside stitch is an inside job.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, believe me, big stitcher. Yeah, they know what they're doing.

[Mike Lawrence]

Stitches.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't think those guys know what they're doing? I like when the guys then says they know what they're doing. You don't think those guys know what they're doing? Oh, they know what they're doing. Yeah, I got that.

[Artie Lang]

I got that.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't be naive.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't be. No, no. You don't think they know what they're doing? They know what they're doing. Believe you me, they know. I don't know what that one means. Believe you me, they know what they're doing.

[Mike Lawrence]

And then you ask that guy, what are you doing? I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they know what they're doing. You don't know what they're doing. They know. You don't know, but they know. Believe you me, they know.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like believe me you. It should be believe me you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know the believe you me part. I don't know. I don't know how any of these things that sound shitty. Catch on. That's my whole thing, my. My whole theory with, like, when you lay something down, like, the first time I came across the term the Baha' I men, the males, you know, whether you've ever been anally penetrated or not. Is your Bahaiman still intact? People around me saw it as a moment of genius, and thus I'm in the urban dictionary because of it.

[Allison Rosen]

And that's your legacy.

[Adam Carolla]

And my legacy endures, you know, and that's fine. But the first time someone said believe me you or believe you me, there couldn't have been anyone around and went, hey, write that shit down.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's no Bahaiman.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I always feel same way about the three. The. The. The piggies on the toys on the toes, you know, they go, this little piggy went to the market, this little p. Went home, and this pig had roast beef and this little pig had none. Like, the first person you laid that on should have went, are you high? Shut up. It's lame. Don't ever repeat that again.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Stay away from my kids feet, you weirdo. Yeah, is he doing the Piggy bit again.

[Mike Lawrence]

He do the piggybid again.

[Adam Carolla]

Does any of this even rhyme? This one went to the market, and this one had roast beef, and this one had none. You think that's clever? It's stupid. Don't ever say that again.

[Mike Lawrence]

It's not even good roast beef. It's just a foot at an Arby's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, shitty roast beef. That doesn't rhyme anything. And this one went. Now you're moving your hand toward my kid's groin. Get the out of here.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like whoever taught you this little piggy did it in a weird way.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, we need nursery rhymes for people with foot fetishes. I feel like that's what it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this little cuticle was naughty. So it got a tongue.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh. And then I drank gruel out of that pump.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah. This one can fit anywhere it wants to.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Smell it. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Dip it.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, let's see. Live podcast, by the way. Irvine Improv coming up this Thursday, July 11, and then we're going to be in New York City at Caroline's. I expect to see every one of you there July 18th through the 20th, Vancouver, July 26th, Commodore Ballroom. I'm gonna be doing some stand up there and a. Of course you want to help out on the next independent film, Road Hard. Go to fun anything fund anything.com forward slash. Adam Carolla. Mike Lawrence, the album. I don't. I don't want to butcher the title, so tell it to me.

[Mike Lawrence]

It's Sadamantium.

[Adam Carolla]

And I know there's a nerd reference there.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yeah, Adamantium is the bone that Wolverine's claws are made out of, and I'm depressed.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on, Adam.

[Mike Lawrence]

By the way, you not getting that reference means you get to keep your wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I'm no tracky, but I do. I do know some nerdisms. All right, Available on Amazon. And you know what to do. Go to AdamCroll.com, click through the Amazon banner, and spread a little love toward the pirate ship Mike Lawrence. Thank you so much for coming out. Mike Lawrence. Comedy Twitter him at the Mike Lawrence. And until next time, the sound of crow for Mike Lawrence, Allison Rosen, and bald Brian saying mahalo.

All right, that's adam cooler show 1114 with the great Mike Lawrence live on stage from Amalfi. I met him when he was live on stage with Adam the crew at the park west shows. He was very nice, very Cool guy. Very funny. Come next, we have Adam Pearl Shot Show 1125 featuring Artie Lang, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013 live at Caroline's Comedy Club. Live shows from Caroline's were something truly special. Live shows are very different depending on the venue. Sometimes in podcasts they can feel a little samey. These do not. Hope you enjoy.

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[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

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The Matrix Trilogy.

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Welcome to the real World.

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Shut up.

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[Artie Lang]

I'm the King of the world.

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And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Allison Rosen]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

O'Reilly Auto Parts yeah man, O'Reilly. Love these guys. Going to get into it with O'Reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks and it's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration, and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcast1pro.com to get started today podcast1pro. The power behind the podcast. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate. Get it on. Thank you so much there, New York City. Artie Lang, everybody. Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello,

[Adam Carolla]

bald Brian.

Man.

Well, it's 114 degrees outside, but already that must not affect you at all. You're just like a dolphin moving through traffic. Right.

[Artie Lang]

I put powder on this morning. You can make pancakes under my arms right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's terrible. It's crazy hot.

[Artie Lang]

It's. It's stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I always say this. You know when you get, you know, we left, we left Los Angeles. It's LAX. We left at like 6:30 in the morning. We're on the west side. It's probably 62 degrees. And then you get off the plane and you're not ready for it because they don't control the Jetway. The Jetway is welcome to fucking wherever you are. If it's Minnesota and it's 14 below, deal with it, bitch.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And if it's Phoenix, it's 147 degrees, you're going to get the same thing. And you just walk into that Jetway and you go, oh, shit, is this the whole city?

[Allison Rosen]

Why is that the way they welcome you?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I feel like that Jetway should be like one of those, I don't know, cooling tubs in between the cold and the super hot. Where like put it at like 81 so I can slowly get into the surface of the sun that is the city.

[Allison Rosen]

Should show you its best on the Jetway.

[Mike Lawrence]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

If on a first date someone acted as crazy as they truly are.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I was like, fuck it, let's get back on the plane. Like, what's going to Orlando? So be it. So be it. We got a lot of questions out there. We got to talk to Artie, who's engaged. Now, A couple of. Couple of quick stories from the flight. First off, you know, you always hear me complain about all the dumb extra talk that cops do and all the extra tampering with, disabling, destroying the smoke detectors or failure. No smoking. We get it. No smoking.

[Mike Lawrence]

We get it.

[Adam Carolla]

No smoking.

[Artie Lang]

It's ridiculous. They still have to announce that.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but going through security, this one, and it's fucking nuts because I didn't think I'd be dealing with this at age 49. As an adult, the Super Sing songy bitch, you do. See, all pockets need to be empty. That means everything in your pockets. That means pockets completely empty. That means pocket watches, chapstick, Keys, coins. Yes. We don't have to go all over the entire pocket possibilities.

[Brian Bishop]

Did you notice that woman now had a PA at lax? Like, she actually was broadcast? They've supercharged it somehow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, but emptying your pockets. You had me at empty your pockets. We do not need. That means right and left pocket, front and rear, extra auxiliary pockets. And then again.

[Allison Rosen]

And then they always ask themselves, does that mean keys? Yes, that means keys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They talk to themselves and those poor miserable sons of bitches because you have to deal with it for 14 minutes. That is their entire life. Super sing songy. We think they get home and do that. Pass the salt. That doesn't mean some of the salt. That means the salt. The salt shaker with all the salt.

[Allison Rosen]

And I don't mean pepper, and I don't mean salt.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't care if it's mine salt or sea salt. We need all the salt.

[Artie Lang]

That seems like a cool career Choice when you're 21. Like, you'll get cheap airfare to the Bahamas with your buddies, but.

[Adam Carolla]

And you'll go home with, like, 29 leather men and Swiss army knives.

[Artie Lang]

But after 22 years of that, right, you're ready to just murder anyone. Okay. Looks at you the wrong way.

[Allison Rosen]

Plus, you must always get asked this question, so do you pack really well?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Which is gay code for me. I do the packing. I don't. I'm not the suitcase. I will pack. If the suitcase is tidy and has bathed and tips, well, yes, I will pack said suitcase. So, Artie, we met your beautiful, beautiful fiance. That's right back there.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I asked. I asked where you two met. She went Hoboken. I went where?

[Artie Lang]

Hoboken, New Jersey?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Artie Lang]

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah. It's the weirdest story ever. She was behind the counter, working at a tanning salon.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Artie Lang]

And I was walking into the gym.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. No, the way she tells the story, it's great. She goes, I was working in a tanning salon. I go, tanning salon. She goes, it gets weirder. Artie wasn't going to the tanning salon. Are you sitting down? He was going to the gym. I was like, yeah, there's a Krispy Kreme at the gym. That doesn't. That seems counterproductive.

[Artie Lang]

I just like to hang out at the Juice bar, try to get away

[Adam Carolla]

through the gym to get away to the juice bar.

[Artie Lang]

Got to buy some hot chicken protein shake.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Artie Lang]

What is that, cranberry juice?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, let's see.

[Brian Bishop]

You know how.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's Mangria. Thank you. Thank you very much. Sorry. Thank you for Mangria. Enjoy. Yeah, I know it's easy to forget about Mangra.

[Artie Lang]

You're still on that dead end street of drinking I had. Yeah. So I. I looked to my right. I was going to the gym because, you know, I wanted to try to get down to my weight. My weight that I am now, which, of course, 320.

[Adam Carolla]

It's his. It's his fighting weight. Fighting to get off the sofa, you know, I want.

[Artie Lang]

I was thinking about being like Chad Ochocinko and changing something in my life to Spanish. Like, he changed his jersey number, right? To Ocho Cinco.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right?

[Artie Lang]

And I was thinking about changing my. My last name to my cholesterol level in Spanish, which would make me Arti Cuatro dos Ocho.

[Allison Rosen]

I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

We could just get you a wrestling max and go, you know, mask and go with El Gordo or something. You know what I mean? Like, spice it up for the kids.

[Artie Lang]

I looked to my right and I saw this beautiful girl there. And it's the first time I've ever been in a tanning salon and the last time I was ever in one. I don't go there. And I asked her out. And after a few minutes of chatting and four and a half turbulent years later, two rehabs and three mental institutions, right. She agreed to marry me.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And she. I mean, don't take this in the spirit in which it's intended, but she recognized you as Artie lying from tv.

[Artie Lang]

No, no, she didn't know who I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now. Now, wait a minute. Yeah, Carl Malone. The great NBA forward Karl Malone's wife tells the story about how she met Carl Malone at the mall, right? And she actually thought he was a male man. But I think.

[Artie Lang]

True.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what she says. I think that's what Adrian said. You see what I'm saying?

Yeah.

[Artie Lang]

Well, she thought I was Carl Malone.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. She was in for surprise that night.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Artie Lang]

Actually not. Because I have a big black cock.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. Where do you keep it?

[Artie Lang]

I don't have an army right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Artie Lang]

I take it out for a special occasion.

[Adam Carolla]

I left mine in the cab. So embarrassing, because it's not the kind of thing you can really get back. You know what I mean? Hey, seen a big black cock rolling around. What does it look like under cut? I don't know.

[Artie Lang]

I'm surprised. Like, if Wilt Chamberlain was an organ donor. Like, keep it. Keep his liver. I don't need that. I'd love that. Big experience. Black cock. Yeah, but I mean, the best of both worlds. If you're a. If you're like an awkward looking white guy with a big black cock, like, think about it. You can still get a cab.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, right.

[Artie Lang]

You could still join a country club. Or at night, you get to your wife with a big black dick. Everybody wins.

[Adam Carolla]

You have all. All the. All the white privilege with none of the puny cop.

[Artie Lang]

It's called the best of both worlds.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. Yeah, that corner. Should have. Should have been thinking.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, Artie, have you been. Has Artie been tanning since he met his wife?

[Artie Lang]

Do I look tan?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I thought you just got.

[Brian Bishop]

In the three years since you've met her.

[Artie Lang]

How many years?

[Brian Bishop]

In the three years since you've met her, have you gone tanning?

[Artie Lang]

No. No, not at all. I never do that. No, I think that's for pussies. I don't do that. I don't like any of that tanning shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, I feel like those beds are sort of for pixies. Like, I don't know. Could they get the lid shut on you?

[Artie Lang]

No, I'd be claustrophobic in there. It's ridiculous. I don't think I would ever do that. It seems like an odd thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now they do the spray, right? They just spray you.

[Allison Rosen]

You're asking the wrong. Very pale person. But, no, they do. I know about that because I saw the episode of Friends where Ross got eight times on. No, times on the other side. And don't tell me you haven't seen that episode because I know that you like Gunther.

[Adam Carolla]

I do. I love him. I love his work. All right, he's the guy who tends the bar at Central Perk and never has any lines, but always just doing triple the acting with his face. That's the toughest gig in acting. To be the table next to the table where the dialogue's going on.

[Artie Lang]

Extras have it, though.

[Adam Carolla]

They have to move your mouth, but nothing can come out.

[Artie Lang]

Would you ever do that? You ever watch. Watch a movie so often that you love so much that you eventually concentrate on the extras when you're watching and see what they're doing? Like. Like. Like in Goodfellas when they're beating the. Out of Billy Batts, right? There's a guy in the background who's really doing a great job.

[Adam Carolla]

I should watch that. I mean, when he brings his shine

[Artie Lang]

box over there, when. When she grabs him, he's like, hold on, there's a guy like at the. At the bar right behind him really earning that 50 bucks a day. Like he, like he's going. SC directing that guy. SC has to go like now just you. You're scared. You're definitely scared. There a band being beaten to death in front we.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to do Arty show, by the way. I should give you a few home here. Listen, I'm excited. Arty show, by the way. The arty Lang Show. DirecTV channel 237. 10 o' clock is when it starts. I'll be on for at least the first hour and you can get it on a serious and serious and xm, by the way, if you would like to do that. Is. Is Stern a sensitive topic? Do you guys stay in touch?

[Artie Lang]

He's always been very supportive of me. He just, you know, as far as going on the show, I just want to make sure I don't do heroin and stab myself.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Artie Lang]

So, Artie, you know, you were on the show eight and a half years. You were fucking great. There was the thing about you doing heroin and stabbing yourself. So, no, he's been nothing but friendly and supportive, both when I was there and now. But, you know, he wants to make sure I'm. I'm stable.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a. I had a moment that I was almost reluctant to speak about because I was embarrassed about it at Jimmy Kimmel's wedding a week and a half back. Yeah, he just got married. Yeah.

[Artie Lang]

He said, did Howard do that? Was he the minister or something?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Artie Lang]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he just. He just sat there with no tie. We were the only two human beings at that place with no tie.

[Artie Lang]

Some people getting away with that, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

And I, and I said, yeah, one of us did. And I think it was him. And I said to him at the, you know, you must have been at Howard's way.

[Artie Lang]

I was sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Weddings are tough because you get so drunk and it's just a blur, you know? You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

There is another way. Adam already tell him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, but I can't be doing coke all night. I'll have a nosebleed when I'm coming out there. I appreciate it, sweetie, but that's not a good plan.

[Artie Lang]

At Howard's wedding, I did coke with Barbara Walters in the bathroom.

[Mike Lawrence]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Me and Artie teamed her.

[Artie Lang]

Howard's wedding was the single most impressive grouping of people I've ever seen in my life. It was Barbara Walters and Donald Trump and Joan Rivers. And like, there's poor People up there trying to make toasts and Joan Rivers is judging them like they're comics, right? Like. Like, Beth had this wonderful friend of hers who made like a really heartfelt speech, and she's not trying to be a comedian or kill. And Joan Rivers, it's just going like, what the. Is your problem?

[Mike Lawrence]

Started.

[Adam Carolla]

Started making in front of her cocktail dress afterwards.

[Artie Lang]

You old hag. Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

So I had this moment after the wedding. It was a great wedding. Was beautiful. It was under the big sycamore tree. There was helicopters flying, flying over.

[Artie Lang]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Artie Lang]

Press.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The paparazzi was up in the sky. And I. I had that moment. And I think we're all on the same page with this. Where I went, well, this is annoying because Jimmy and Molly are doing their vows and we're hearing this buzz along. But you know what's more annoying? No paparazzi.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Because that's the silence of anonymity, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That means no one gives a shit. So I'm. They have champagne. They have a big bucket of champagne at the end of the aisle. And I'm sitting manning the bucket, you know, I'm in charge of the champagne. So, you know, one for me, half for you, three for me. That's a good choice for that. And I'm getting very caught up in. In the moment. And when we're done, I see Howard and Beth and I go up to him and I say, you know, Howard, Beth, something. It just struck me, you know, I think Jimmy seeing you get married again, because Howard said, I'm never going to get married again, remember?

[Artie Lang]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

I think when Jimmy saw that, I think he respects you so much and he looks up to you so much. When you got married, in some way. In some way that made this possible because he's such. He respects you so much. And Howard and Beth went, oh, my God, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to us. And I said, I just. I know how much he respects you. I'm not saying he got married because you got married, but somehow I feel like being at your wedding gave him the green light to go ahead and love again, you know? And you were drunk. They both. I was.

[Artie Lang]

Anyway, let me tell you, become that annoying guy that went, you guys are the best.

[Adam Carolla]

You're one piece ass and you're one tall j.

[Artie Lang]

It's because of you guys that were so.

[Adam Carolla]

They're. They're both like, that is amazing. That really. Wow.

[Artie Lang]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you so much. And we had this moment Right. Why I did. What I do is I tried to take my moment. I tried to stretch it out a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

You got greedy with your moment.

[Adam Carolla]

I got greedy with my moment. And now I've had a little more champagne, and we're all walking up this long hill to go to the reception, and there's Ben and. And Matt Damon. And I go, all right.

[Artie Lang]

And I. Ben and Matt Damon, they got married. Mr. Showbiz, you're on first name basis. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

[Artie Lang]

There's Ashy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they're with their wives. And I come up to him, and I'm walking up the hill, and I said, I think I'm gonna try this speech out on him because it won over so great with Beth and Howard, you know? And I go, smart. You know, I think, you know, Howard getting married is why Jimmy got married. And they. They both went like, you think he got married because Howard got married? I said, no, no. I'm just saying it made it okay.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

So Howard had to tell him it was okay to get married, otherwise, he wouldn't have gotten married. And I was like. And it was like, no. And their wives were like, what the. And they were like, you don't think Jimmy can get married on his own? He needs Howard to tell him to get married.

[Allison Rosen]

How hard you always want to play, but that you can't play is. I didn't even mean it that much to begin with.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, no. I was just. Yeah, and I want to do a Howard show. So I was kissing ass. And I was like, no, he didn't get married. Because I. No, but Howard. I'm just saying. He worships Howard. So Howard told him to get married, and he got married.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, ah. And then I was like, those hills are where they filmed Mash. And then we immediately got onto mash.

[Brian Bishop]

You.

[Artie Lang]

I mean, how much more inappropriate could you get with Ben and Matt?

[Adam Carolla]

We talked. We shifted to mash, and then we talked about how crazy that the hair was on everyone who was in mash. Like, the crazy Jew fro and the walrus mustache because it was Korea circa 1951.

[Artie Lang]

If I were in the Matt Damon and I'm drunk at a wedding, the first thing I'm gonna say is, like, what was it like having Michael Douglas F you in the ass?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh,

[Artie Lang]

that is the we. That is. Has anyone seen that movie that. I don't give a.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Artie Lang]

Call me homophobic. That is in my head.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that is crazy. It is.

[Artie Lang]

Keep your Oscar. I'm not doing that.

[Allison Rosen]

You wouldn't give or take, huh?

[Artie Lang]

Yeah. An older dude. No, that would be terrible. And the fact that that movie, first of all, Liberace, I guess, said this in real life, that he lost his virginity to a Green Bay Packer. A Green Bay Packer fucked Liberace in the ass, and that's how he lost his Virginia. Sometimes I like to think on my show about Vince Lombardi's reaction. What the hell are you going out there, you fucking Liberace? Nobody's tackling. Everybody's fucking grabbing, grabbing.

[Adam Carolla]

We put a seal here, we put a cheek here, and we run the cock right up the gut.

[Artie Lang]

You want to run this cock in the alley? Everybody's sucking cock out there. I'm telling you, instead of scoring touchdowns, you're fucking blowing Liberace. So if you think you embarrassed yourself in front of Matt, that's what I would have done.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it feels bad. I feel better now because I still now want to contact them and try to explain what the real motive was. But I just.

[Allison Rosen]

What would you say?

[Adam Carolla]

I would probably dig myself in deeper. I just realized. And then later on, later on that night, I saw Ben go and talk to Jimmy, and I was like, oh, dear God. He's not telling a fucking story, is he? Hopefully he's talking about the hills of MASH and Liberace, taking in the ass,

[Artie Lang]

the hair, that you're inviting your asshole friend.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I, I. Yeah. All right, so you should have been

[Artie Lang]

like, you two didn't fucking write Goodwill hunting.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I should have been.

[Artie Lang]

Fuck you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah. That's why you don't invite me to weddings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, now, you know. You're sober now.

[Artie Lang]

We had a good time. I am sober. Well, I stopped drinking in front of people.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

People.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, when is your, when is your wedding? What, do you have a date?

[Artie Lang]

Well, we don't have a date yet. We don't have a date yet. It's probably next summer at some point. It's whenever the prenup is finished.

[Adam Carolla]

Uhhuh. Oh, it's going to take a while. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she's rich. She works at a tanning salon, so she, she doesn't need your money.

[Artie Lang]

She's guarding that money. A lot of melanoma lawsuits. She's broke.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of marriages, is. We flew over. Brian and I were in first class, which pissed me off, because, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

Piss you off. Try walking by you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

To my seat in the overhead cabin.

[Adam Carolla]

That had to suck. But I was like, well, I guess I'LL be up front, and the little people will be in the back of the plane where, you know, if we come up short on approach and the tail comes off, that'll be their loss. I'll be up front with my gray Poupon.

[Allison Rosen]

We were in the back deciding who we'd eat if it all went down.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Artie Lang]

That's when you want me up there. I'm three weeks. I'm a buffet.

[Adam Carolla]

I end up sitting next to Brian while sitting across the aisle from Brian. And then we have Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family. He's one of the gay couple, but he's not the gay. He's not gay in real life.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But his partner, Jesse Ferguson, is gay in real life, and he's getting married. And he said he's coming out here for the marriage. And I thought, didn't we just do that Prop 8 thing back in LA? Like, don't you guys shoot in LA? Like, what the fuck do I got to get on a plane for and travel across? You know what I'm saying? Like, come to la. It's fine to be married if you're gay in la. And why am I traveling to you?

[Allison Rosen]

But I don't know, is it a destination gay wedding?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Did you get the story, Brian?

[Brian Bishop]

This is why you're not asked to make a speech at Jimmy's wedding.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Artie Lang]

Why you. Why do you gay guys get married in la?

[Adam Carolla]

So he's. He's a great guy. And then we had a second embarrassing moment, Rachel Yucatel on there.

[Allison Rosen]

That's who that was.

[Adam Carolla]

That's who that was.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. There was a really skinny girl with a lot of hair and a lot of lips, teetering on these giant shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And I was like, I know her from somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Well. And also, she can't stand without presenting. Like, she's like a baboon in heat, you know, like, she's like one of these people. Like, she can't get her luggage out from the top without, you know, like, every. Those heels are made so you can present. Like they kick your ass out. And it's like guys are just attracted to it. Like a tractor.

[Allison Rosen]

You saw her in estrus by the baggage carousel.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She's, like, literally presenting everywhere we went. And then she had. She had to do this. And by the way, when you have moments with people that are embarrassing, and I'm sure you've had a few. I've had a couple of my career. Don't come up and remind them of it. Almost immediately. She came around and she said, adam, and I said, yes, and thanks for the presentation. And she said, we never. We haven't met, but we spoke on the phone. You were doing a podcast with Dr. Drew, and you thought I was one of the. That was with Elliot Spitzer. And I was like,

[Artie Lang]

wrong whore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I didn't want to. Yeah. Six of one whore, dozen of the other.

[Artie Lang]

Like, I just want to let you know, I'm a different whore. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She was like, I am not the Spitz I got. You know, let's face it. We're being bombarded with fucking tabloid news every day. I'm getting. Everyone's getting. I'm getting confused.

[Brian Bishop]

Your apology was very hollow when you're

[Mike Lawrence]

like, oh, I'm so sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

I was way off base.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

well, I mean, we grew up, and there were. It was. We had to. We had to memorize the cast of the Love Boat.

[Artie Lang]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the cast of Dukes of Hazard.

[Artie Lang]

It was easy.

[Adam Carolla]

And then, like, Paul Newman, and that was about it. Now everyone's on a reality show. Everyone. The Senator. Somebody sucked off Tiger Woods. Like, I can't keep everyone straight anymore.

[Artie Lang]

You're either Rachel, you could tell, or Kevin Federloin. There's too many people are famous. The Andy Warhol thing definitely came true.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, It's.

[Artie Lang]

It's just too many people.

[Allison Rosen]

But everyone's famous for longer than 15.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the 15 minutes.

[Artie Lang]

That's true. I know. It's. It's. It's. I mean, Justin Bieber's in, like, his 18th minute, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, you. If you combined the minutes of the Kardashians, you'd have an elephant life.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or a parrot. I'm not sure which one lives longer.

[Allison Rosen]

Or a tortoise.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I don't know.

[Artie Lang]

People were surprised and upset when Kanye west cheated on her, supposedly when she was pregnant. I was like, he's. He's a billionaire rapper recording an album in Paris, and his. His wife looks like Danny DeVito. Maybe I'll a French whore.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a delight.

[Artie Lang]

Their baby. What are the chances? That baby is not a complete.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, zero.

[Artie Lang]

That has genes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. It's gonna be boat. That thing's gonna be, like. It's gonna have, like, a. Like a pinky ring when he's born or she's born. I don't know what it is. Yeah, you know what it is? Is she.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she's our.

[Adam Carolla]

She's. Oh, she's a wet. Oh, wait a minute. North. Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

Northwest.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, well, that wasn't a hoax, right?

[Allison Rosen]

No, that was true.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, Again, there's another celebrity we're gonna have to keep track of.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't really do anything. And then what? These dudes, these celebrities get together like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett, and they start crapping out. Mini celebrities. And then we got to start following the mini celebrities now. Now there's a whole brood of celebrities.

[Artie Lang]

You know, when a person's generation laps, you as successful, like, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Artie Lang]

Like, Will Smith is my age. He's way more successful now. He's got a kid who's way more successful.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Artie Lang]

Pretty soon his grandkid's gonna be way more.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, we didn't. We didn't worry about that back in the day. Yeah. All right, we have some questions out there, I think.

[Brian Bishop]

What can I complain about?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you have, but people wrote them down. Let me give a little love to one of our sponsors. All right, what do we got? We got questions.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

You have.

[Allison Rosen]

What can't out of Adam complain about?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and what can I complain about?

[Mike Lawrence]

All right.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

The world is full of it, and one man can complain about it all this is what can't Adam complain about. All right, I'm using this. Yeah, I got him here. All right, we got.

[Brian Bishop]

We got the first one from Catherine from Brooklyn. What's good? Catherine with a C. Her last name

[Adam Carolla]

with a C. Oh, and by the way, let me say this quickly, I'm already pissed. When you ever do this art gotta happen to you all the time. You're like, signing autograph and they go, it's Catherine. And you go, Is that. Is that Catherine with a C or Catherine with a K? Do I look like a Catherine with a C? No, you look like a. With a C. The fuck do I know? Just tell me. They get weird and offended. Really? You think that's how I would spell Catherine with a C? I don't think so. I thought we had a relationship. Like. No. What do I know?

[Artie Lang]

I don't know why you're about to look like a broad with a black eye.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you. That's not funny. Domestic violence affects.

[Allison Rosen]

It's funny. That made your cunt comment seem tasteful.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, that's what I'm here for.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It's literally to soften my blows with blows.

[Brian Bishop]

This Katherine is with a K. She's in Brooklyn and she's 23. Where are you?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so she's got to be out there somewhere. Hey, where are you?

[Mike Lawrence]

There?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there you Go. Oh. Stay out of the sun, baby.

[Artie Lang]

Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

I look a little burnt.

[Adam Carolla]

Very fair. I like that. Yeah. What's going on? Do you have a question?

[Allison Rosen]

So I don't think you can complain about central air.

[Adam Carolla]

Central air? Oh, boy. I can complain about central air because as I mentioned in yesterday's podcast, I went 32 fucking years of my life without feeling a stitch of it. When I used to go to my friend's house who had central air, I would get up at night and go sleep by the magical venture in the wall because the Corollas are such colossal losers. My dad never had a window mount air conditioner. My mom, they were divorced. Hope you're sitting down. My mom had. Listen, you're lucky your dad fell off a ladder and died fairly early. I had to fucking live with my dad, all right? You understand? You dodged a bullet. No, I'm complimenting Artie. I'm complimenting him. My dad bought a box from Sears that was a mobile swamp cooler. Like when you have a swamp cooler, you know you're a loser, but it's up on your roof and sometimes you forget what a loser you are. This is one that you pushed around behind you in the living room as a reminder. So this thing which had wood grain. And by the way, putting wood grain on pieces of shit that's stamped out of pot metal in China only makes it worse. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

It'd be like if I took a shit and put some glitter on it and then flushed it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I've dressed it up like a really shitty American car from the 70s with the fake wood grain steering wheel where you've rubbed the paint off at 10 and 2. Now it's funky beige. It's worse. Just make it fucking black. Good enough.

[Allison Rosen]

A swamp cooler. All I know is that whenever I'm around them, I notice they don't work. What do they actually do?

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what. Here's here. I could replace almost any swamp cooler. If with this you just hire a guy to stand next to you on really hot days and go. And you go. I think I feel it. I think I feel it. Yeah, I feel something. I feel a little better. It makes a noise of something that's supposed to be cooling you, right? But it's not doing anything. Yeah, there's no greater white trash look than one. One is like tilted over, you know, or leaning tower of white trash piece on top of the fallen over on top of the roof.

[Allison Rosen]

My dad, by the way, swamps aren't known as being Cool.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good point. Yeah. Should be called a Nordic cooler or an iceberg cooler. Igloo cooler. So. So my dad would push this thing around and we'd all sit in the living room on his crappy horsehair sofa and he'd put water in it and it'd just go. And I never had central air. My mom had one in the window. And I always remember it because they had that weird accordion thing because the window is wider than the air conditioner. And of course accordion thing got busted out. So the weird hymen thing that stopped the elements from coming in got busted out. But that's what our cat Norman used to use as the in n out door. So Norman would just pop up and they'd be like Norman next to the air conditioner. But that was in my stepdad's room. And that's the only now my mom and my stepdad have now stepped up. This is worse than no swamp cooler and no central air. They now in their house, instead of getting central air, they have a wall mounted unit in every single room. So she has 11 wall mounted units just buzzing all the fucking time, but still no central air.

[Allison Rosen]

So that means that every single room has a spot that's uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And a spot that's too cold.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and. And this. We got to the hotel, it was a million degrees inside my room. I put the air on and it made the her. And then I went to take a nap. And then I woke up sweating through my sheets. And then I realized, oh, it's one of those hotels where you have to put the key in the thing. Otherwise nothing works. Let me say something. If that is something that you have woven into your policy, make sure the ass wipe behind the counter has a fucking bullhorn. And while you're walking to the elevator, he's yelling, now, don't forget to put the key into that weird vagina that's next to the front door. Or the air will not work. It will make a noise, but nothing will really give me a heads up. Because I walk into a room and I throw my keys and my luggage down and I flop down on the bed.

[Artie Lang]

It's like, like those 14 things you're carrying. You have to put them down again right in the elevator and everywhere it's a pain.

[Adam Carolla]

But then you do the thing where you sit down, you're like, ah, the batteries are shot on the tv, have a huge red arrow that says nothing in this thing. You can't take a piss in here. If you do not put your card into this receptacle.

[Artie Lang]

See the movies. You got to make three phone calls down to get the movies working. And you're like, you spent 30 minutes minutes to see Jack Reacher. The payoff just sucks at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys do the. When the remote doesn't work, you do the battery roll.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

One thumb.

[Allison Rosen]

That works often.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the. With the thumb roll. That's it. I have two. I have two moves. When the hotel key card doesn't work, I have the left hand slacks on the thigh. Let's give it a good rubberoo there. Rub a dub that. I'm no technician, but I know it works. And then when the remote doesn't work, I give the roll. I give the one thumb roll on the battery.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, if that doesn't work, then do you bang the remote on your hand?

[Adam Carolla]

I do the. I do the bang one. Then I do the different angle one. I do a lot of moving around. And by the way, the angle one's a horrible idea because once you get the thing where it's over your head and you're halfway out the window. What if it does work? Then what? You have to get a fucking step ladder to change the channel.

[Brian Bishop]

You wouldn't know anything about this, but us nerds used to have to blow on Nintendo cartridges to get them to work.

[Adam Carolla]

When you were done blowing each other.

[Artie Lang]

I like to make.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Artie Lang]

I like to make scumbag, scumbag threats to the front desk. Like, if I don't get a remote that works in five minutes, I'm shitting in every ice cream machine. And if you don't. If you don't believe me, just try me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Do we have another? We have another one.

[Brian Bishop]

We do. This one is from Kit Gray. Where is. Where is this person?

[Allison Rosen]

Kit?

[Artie Lang]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Kit. We know. Kit. What's going on? Kit? Cold glass of Mangria on a hot summer night. Here's the problem. I don't know. Madame Curie. Did she die of radiation poisoning? I'm gonna kill myself with Mangria. Yeah, I like it a lot. Like, a little too much. And I'm sort of building up a tolerance. And now it's that thing where I go down in the morning and I have to hold up the bottle and go, what elf broke into my house and finished almost this entire bottle of Mangria because all I had was a couple of glasses. Last night, as a matter of fact, my wife and kids have a little running joke, which is they go to bed, they sleep in the same room. They're Twins. They're seven. They sleep in the same room. My wife will alternate. You know, it's her night to conk out on Sunny's bed. It's her night to conk out on Natalia. Natalia, Mother, what's her nose. It's rarely her morning to make me breakfast, but it's her night to conk out on one bed or the other. And then I come in to say good night after I. Before I'm gonna go down, drink some angria. And it makes this. Makes they. They make the chinga, chinga, chinga sound like they all got the ice cubes coming down. Like, sort of. I guess I'd be a lot like if you. You know when a dog hears a can opener. Yeah, yeah, when I hear that. When I hear the little rustling of ice now. But so eventually I will be taken out by my own invention. That is my only complaint on Mangria. Thank you very much. Enjoy.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have. Do you have rules for yourself regarding it?

[Adam Carolla]

I try every night I try to do the thing where I drink a little less than I drank the night before. But that doesn't work for anything. Like you never go. It doesn't work for cigarettes, doesn't work for masturbation. It doesn't work for killing prostitutes, cocaine. It doesn't work.

[Artie Lang]

They.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just promising yourself you're gonna do a little less.

[Artie Lang]

I'm gonna kill one less.

[Adam Carolla]

Just one less street walker tonight. I'll taper down and then maybe I'll get one of those electronic whores where it simulates killing. Do you see the. Walking around with the fake elect cigarettes with the batteries in them? Now it's a vapor. Like I.

[Brian Bishop]

It's just water vapor, but I know

[Adam Carolla]

it's just water vapor. That's my whole point.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the. That's the ad. It's a very sophisticated woman going, it's just water vapor, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Blowing the air.

[Allison Rosen]

So proud of it.

[Adam Carolla]

What if we did that with shampoo and champagne and Mangria? Oh, no, no, no. There's no problem here. This is. Is just vaporized water. Yeah. Tastes like nothing. And I'm not. I'm not high, right?

[Artie Lang]

Whenever I see somebody smoking one of those things, I want to give them a real cigarette because I'm like, you don't understand. We want you to die.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Artie Lang]

Don't do us any favors and stick around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's true. It's a self selecting group. The group that smokes those phony cigarettes.

[Artie Lang]

They're fun in the conversation.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Those.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Let me not light my cigarette. Let me.

[Allison Rosen]

Let me take a drag off this pen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Let me push a button and start this cigarette up. All right, what else we got? Yeah, that thing. And by the way, that thing should work as a flashlight too, at least.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Or a laser pointer.

[Adam Carolla]

A laser pointer. Like you could smoke and give a PowerPoint presentation.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, if a gay guy loses something in his lover's ass, he could find it.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that Liberace movie. I gotta tell you all.

[Artie Lang]

I watch it like four times. I'm not. I'm not pitching about it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we do.

[Brian Bishop]

We have another one from Deborah Cashy. Kashi Cashy from Miami, Florida. Where's Deb? Where is Deborah?

[Adam Carolla]

Deborah Cashy.

[Allison Rosen]

There she is.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yell it out, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll yell it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you don't need to. Now you have a microphone. Yeah,

[Allison Rosen]

my complaints or non complaints is can you complain about donors to Road Hard?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow. It's like we got a bunch of plants in the audience tonight.

[Artie Lang]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm making a movie. I'm making another movie. By the way, Dirty Work was on cable the other night.

[Artie Lang]

That's right. I was enjoying another 18 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you even know when you get paid?

[Artie Lang]

No. You know, Dirty Works, one of those things. We shot that in Toronto, so there's some union, like, loophole where you don't get residuals if it's shot out of the country.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, but other pieces of. I've been in that. I get.

[Adam Carolla]

Beer league.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, Beer league. I get stuff for. I wrote that too, so that's nice. The writing checks are beautiful, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, yeah. Very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

She's like, see one of those now?

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, right. You know. Well, you wrote your movie, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I did, but I don't know.

[Artie Lang]

One time. Check.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

You gotta.

[Artie Lang]

You gotta call the union man and about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they don't like it.

[Artie Lang]

There's a chance it could be like a check for 30 G's just waiting there. And the people who work for the Writers Guild, they're trained to be surprised. They're all artists. Oh, yeah. There is a check for $42,000.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait to get that check. Do they have to play the movie, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they don't play my movie. That's the problem. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I love the fact that everyone is contributing and we're trying to get to a million bucks we're doing fund anything. And we're more than halfway there. And there's a funny video with Brian Cranston in it. And all that kind of stuff. But half the tweets I read are like, hey, Rich, why don't you pay for your own?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then plus, I didn't copy you on that. Everyone. Everyone else on the page. Like, you know, because you can do anything. It's not just about making, you know, independent movies. You can take someone. So the front page is like, adam Carolla needs a million dollars to make his movie. Underneath it, retarded Cub Scout troop needs to go to Venezuela. One of them needs a new liver. You know, makes you $100. All right, but give to Adam.

[Artie Lang]

Well, what is more important? I don't know. I think that's, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's true. Well, that's true. You can get your kidney and kid's gonna go on. He's gonna end up working at a fucking airport security line, pissing us off. Whereas what I'm doing is art that endures forever.

[Brian Bishop]

What's one liver versus a movie that's gonna bring joy to tens of people?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Artie Lang]

Like, what if that kid grows up to be like, a retarded Jerry Sandusky, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a good point. Let me tell you this.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's redundant.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the guy who shot John Lennon tried to kill himself on a beach in Maui and some Good Samaritan, although nice job asshole was doing. He was. He was fishing and he was up. This guy said, I'm going to go park over, you know, Don Ho Way, and I'm gonna stare at the sun coming up, and I'm gonna pump carbon monoxide into my Chevette and I'm gonna end my life. And some surf fisherman. And this is one more reason to hate guys who fish. They killed John Lennon. Fishermen killed a national treasure. John Lennon, he went to go surf fishing at like 5:30 in the morning. He saw this guy passed out in his car. So he pulled the hose out, he revived the guy, and he gave him mouth to mouth. They brought him back up, and then, you know, two years later, he's shooting John Lennon. I'd love to be married to that guy because every time he had a little personal critique of me, I'm like, well. But at least I may have not flushed a toilet or left my fucking underpants on the floor, but at least John Lennon would be alive if I wasn't here.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, it's a good. It's good practice if you save a guy from killing himself to just real quick say, look, you're not going to kill a beetle.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Or the. Who or that. Or it goes rolling stone.

[Artie Lang]

Kill one of the 98 degrees.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to stop that.

[Artie Lang]

That's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Artie Lang]

Kill one of the lay she brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A Lachey.

[Artie Lang]

Lachey.

[Adam Carolla]

Who are they? That's so sad that we know them.

[Artie Lang]

I know, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Artie Lang]

Imagine if your 15 year old son said, do we like the group 98 degree? No. Would you ever stop punching him in the face?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I feel like after he went unconscious. Yeah. But just till he came back again, you know? Yeah. All right. Do we. We got some news. We do some news with the news with Allison Rose.

[Artie Lang]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison Boom. Allison Boom.

[Artie Lang]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip

[Adam Carolla]

it C. It's Allison Boom. Allison Boom. Oh, by the way, Allison. Oh, sorry. You weren't first class. Brian. Brian, let's be honest. Yeah, yeah, we were in first class over there. Yeah. In Virgin. And they literally. Now they used to shut the curtain to stop people from coming in, but Virgin does this thing where they put a little red magnetic rope.

[Brian Bishop]

A velvet rope.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a velvet rope basically going, whoever's up here has either sucked off Tiger woods and or paid an extra thousand bucks for their ticket. So they would like to commode.

[Brian Bishop]

Why can't it be both?

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point. So they put a velvet rope up and it's literally a red rope. It's magnetic so it just sticks to the other side. And it was right next to my seat because I was in the far. I was in the back and people were just willy nilly stepping over the rope or, and, or just undoing it, sliding like, like you own the fucking nightclub. You know what I mean? Like, who do you think this is for? Other people's assholes and urethras or possibly yours? You think this is just for half the people that are in coach or is this for everybody?

[Brian Bishop]

One woman just broke right through it like Usain Bolt, which by the way, she was moving so fast, I thought there might have been an emergency.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like somebody. One. Some chick got a lean and just literally went through it like it was the Olympics. But I mean, they would put the thing up. I mean, again, here's where we're at for society. They would put the thing up. And then people meant, oh, well, I'm going to have to negotiate that when I'm on the way to shitting up the first class. Head. So I'll just remove that, or I can step under it, or maybe I can get on a mechanic's creeper and go under the thing. But either way, I have no idea. And that's all the enforcement there was of the rope. You know what? Airline.

[Allison Rosen]

How pitiful for you guys in first class.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Airline. Hold on, sweetie. You have no idea, the pain, seeing one of the regular people come in. The little people shit up my precious commode. As it is, because of my height, I have to piss by leaning against that wall and putting my forehead. Someone should put a pad there for the guys over six one where you can just turn your. Turn yourself into an ironing board and then just fall over and put your forehead against that thing. And then I. Here's. Here's the airline I would fly. I'd fly an airline called Bouncer Airline. Huge bald black guy in a turtleneck just stands there with a clipboard. Hi, I'd like to.

[Mike Lawrence]

Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Your asshole's not on the list. Sit the fuck back down.

[Artie Lang]

You gotta give him some ecstasy to get.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, at one point, I looked. So I saw the flight attendants wheeling a cart forward. And I was like, oh, good, because I hadn't had any coffee because it was, you know, really, really early. But then the cart went all the way past the rope into the front. I thought, ah, damn it. They're. Of course they're gonna service first class first. And then I looked, and the flight attendant was literally on her knees. Do they get down to, like, eye level with you when you're in your seat?

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be nice. Especially if I'm in the recline position. Yeah.

[Artie Lang]

I don't know, Rachel. You could tell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she was there. If you don't know what goes on in first class, sometimes when they're giving you a foot rub, they will get down. They will drop down on a knee. Yeah, yeah. This was a great experience the last time we flew out here and we flew Virgin. Oh, no, that was JetBlue. JetBlue. Artie.

[Mike Lawrence]

This is like

[Adam Carolla]

all you. All people. Don't tell this to Artie or me, but they go, you could use this in your next movie, by the way. I don't know what the batting average on. You should use this in your stand up routine. It's never, let me grab a pencil. It's always, yeah, get the fuck out of here. But it never gets. Well, what is the batting average on drunk people? Coming up to any comedian and go, you could use this in your routine. It's ever been used.

[Artie Lang]

You should make this into a skit.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna. It's gonna be my closer. I was sitting there in JetBlue, and I said. She said, would you like a beverage? And I said, yeah. She said, what'd you like? I said, light beer is good. Which one would you like? I said, I don't know, just, you know, Miller Lite, Bud Light, whatever you got. Well, which one? I said, whatever you got. She said, well, it's in the seat back menu there if you'd like to go over that. I said, no, just give me a light, whatever. Miller Light, Bud Light, whatever you have. What do you have? She said, I don't. I don't remember which one we have, but it's in the seat back menu. I said, okay, but just give me the light. Whatever the American light beer is. It's Bud Light, it's Miller Light. Whatever it is, it's fine with me. Just go get it. Sir, the menu's in the seat back

[Pluto TV Announcer]

in front of you.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, just go get it. And by the way, bitch, you're the one who forgot. You forgot what beer you have on your plane. That thing that you hand 289 of out on every fucking working day of your life. Somehow you're drawing a blank, but I'm gonna cut you some slack and tell you it's okay to bring me whatever you have. And you're gonna fucking push this one back on me

then.

I swear to God. I swear to God. Twenty minutes later, same bitch showed up with a wicker basket filled with chips and pretzels and God knows what. And I said, she said, would you like a snack? I said, what do you got there? She said, the menu's in the seat back in front of you, sir. I said, well, if you just tilt it down a little, I could see it. Sir, the menu and all the selections are in the seat back in front of you in the menu and the options.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm like, see, from the literacy committee.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Fuck it. I fucking read at a fourth grade level. Tilt the fucking wicker basket down.

[Allison Rosen]

Side note, it's weird to see a wicker basket on a plane. You don't see many things served out of wicker baskets.

[Adam Carolla]

Ever since, it's like everything's made out of titanium and aluminum and it's all this computers and technology. And then here comes Grandma Walton in her wicker basket.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, I like when they get. They should give you a Practical choice. Like. Like, what color hair would you like in your omelette?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll give you a practical choice. Go to meeting, baby. Ah, we got a lot of business people here. You want to go to meeting. You want to use GoToMeeting with HD faces brought to you by Citrus. You can share the screen, you can put on your computer what's on their computer. You can pull stuff up, you can get stuff done, and you don't have to smell other people. That's the real beauty of GoToMeeting and HD. You can launch or join a meeting from any computer, smartphone, tablet, even your iPad. And you can try it out for free. 30 days free. Free for a month. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button button, and use the promo code. Adam. All right, Allison, where were we? Some news.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it.

[Allison Rosen]

We already play it.

[Brian Bishop]

We sure did.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Okay, so here are the top 10 commit. The top 10 highest grossing comedians of 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Artie, you ready to kill yourself again? You want me to bust a bottle over the table?

[Artie Lang]

Wait, wait, wait. Have a shot. Did you say the 10 grossest comedians?

[Adam Carolla]

You don't come in the top five, you know, Rob, do you understand me?

[Artie Lang]

Well, at least we're past the Dane Cook era.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? We can all.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, coming in at number 10, Ron White made 10. $10 million last year.

[Adam Carolla]

He's.

[Artie Lang]

He's one of the blue collar guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's funny.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Ron White.

[Brian Bishop]

Is this just touring, or is this, like, seat, like albums and stuff also?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's touring. Both.

[Allison Rosen]

It's pre tax gross income, but it's tickets and it's syndication.

[Adam Carolla]

Tater Salad White.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Artie Lang]

He's.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the.

[Allison Rosen]

He's cigar.

[Adam Carolla]

He's the Pete Best of the Blue collar Comedy tour.

[Allison Rosen]

They call me Tater Salad. Was his dvd.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. He's the one you don't know about.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, then there's two that are tied for number nine. Daniel Tosh and Gabriel Iglesias.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know their comedy that well, but I know Gabriel. Gabriel told me.

[Artie Lang]

He's a big fat guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he does. He's puffy squeezy or something.

[Mike Lawrence]

That's the thing.

[Artie Lang]

He's a Mexican fat guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but he. But he. But he makes with the mirth. His. He gave me a tip. He said, and you know when you're done and you're doing a theater or something, and everyone wants to take A picture. And everyone's using their iPhone and it's a mess. And the lines going around the block. Hire somebody just to take pictures. I guess he can afford it. Hire somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he made 11 million, so, yeah, he can.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you hire a guy and then they put the pictures online, and then people can go there, but they still get drunk and they want to take their own pictures. But that's my experience with Gabriel.

[Artie Lang]

What do you make, $11 million?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but you have. You have Mike August do it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Mike August does it. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

That's everything. By the way, Mike August did one of his classic Mike August moves.

[Artie Lang]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And you guys know that. You guys know these people where we're checking into the hotel, it's about 5:30 in the evening. And I said, you want to walk over to Caroline's? And he said, fine. I said, what time? And he said, we should leave about 7:35. And he said, all right, see you here. And I got in the elevator and I went to sweat through my sheets in my room, and then I got down 11, 7:35, and then no Mike. And they're like, 7:38. And I'm like, where's Mike? And then I called him, I go, mike, where are you? And he goes, 20th floor. And I go, okay, that's not what I'm looking for, but what's going on? And he goes, what's up? And I go, we're going to Caroline's. You want to go? And he goes, yeah. You want to leave?

[Brian Bishop]

Like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like that thing where it's like, what if I never called? I can come down the lobby, we can leave. You know that thing where I want to hear. I want the satisfaction of like, oh, shit, what time is it?

[Allison Rosen]

Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in the elevator, I'm pulling my pants up now. Like, I want that and that.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, well, what did he think? You were just casually musing about the

[Adam Carolla]

plan before some sort of maniac who went like, I want to go to a comedy club and sit on stage for an hour or so. You want to come?

[Mike Lawrence]

What's up?

[Adam Carolla]

Like, he was like, all right, well, if you want to go. I mean, have it your way. And then we got down and we started walking, and we're sweated through our shirts and they're having an Alice Cooper concert somewhere. Oh, boy. The only thing scarier than Alice Cooper are Alice Cooper fans. Because Alice Cooper is theatrical.

[Allison Rosen]

Scary.

[Adam Carolla]

These people are scary. Scary.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, number eight, George Lopez.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the thing about George Lopez. When he comes out on stage to Low Rider, it's like, really, really? That's your song. I mean, that's, that's, that's. You understand? Isn't that the song?

[Mike Lawrence]

We're all.

[Adam Carolla]

You're. You create for a living.

[Artie Lang]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what we got.

[Artie Lang]

He does a cool thing where after every punchline he makes an insane face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah,

[Artie Lang]

I got in a barrio.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

How does the weird face get woven into a stand up act? Like, at what point did he decide that's a good idea? And did everyone say, like, oh, yeah, that's your thing?

[Brian Bishop]

Number eight on the list.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When he made $14 million, I think

[Artie Lang]

he figured, I'm start weaving one into mine.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, number seven, Larry the Cable Guy.

[Artie Lang]

Still. Still.

[Allison Rosen]

13 million.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, before you all boo again, you know, we're one of the most famous comedy clubs in the world. They could be in the lobby.

[Adam Carolla]

They could be.

[Allison Rosen]

Number six, Kevin Hart.

[Artie Lang]

He sold out the Garden like three times.

[Adam Carolla]

It's crazy already. We got to pick a nationality.

[Artie Lang]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Sitting around and being funny, it's not making us rich.

[Artie Lang]

Or a white guy with an angle like Ron White or.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, we gotta pick an angle or a nationality from now on. I'm Korean. Trying to think of my angle is, though. Oh, I should do. I should do. Oh, oh, oh. I can do the whole thing. Thing I can do. I can do the whole thing about how great Americans have it and how great it is in this country. You know, like a Yakov Smirnoff.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, that's perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

That works something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I need it fresh and young.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Number five, Louis C.K.

[Adam Carolla]

Funny. But I still don't feel like the chasm between me and Artie's, you know, I feel like $14 million funnier than we are. By the way, he's the guy who. My program director. Oh, you got a program director, right?

[Artie Lang]

I do, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I miss my program director. He labeled Louis CK this about six years ago as comedy death. Like, does that guy have. There were three guys. Remember the three guys?

[Brian Bishop]

It was Louis C.K. he wasn't a fan of. Wasn't a fan of Zach Galifianakis. He wanted less. Joel McHale less.

[Adam Carolla]

Less of all those three nobodies. They'll be. We won't even know their name four months from now. This is 2008.

[Artie Lang]

His fingers on the pulse of America, evidently.

[Allison Rosen]

And who was he betting on? Like, who did he really. Who was he really into?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Danny Bonaduce. That's the future. That's the future of Comedy and art in general. Not just comedy. Any form of art.

[Allison Rosen]

Number four, Jeff Dunham.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jeff Dunham.

[Artie Lang]

The guy with the puppet.

[Adam Carolla]

Jeff.

I'll tell you.

Jeff. Jeff Dunham. I know. See, you guys are all from. You're all from New York. He's a ventriloquist.

[Allison Rosen]

19 million. 19 million. It's just gonna get worse from here.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second, Jeff. Jeff Dunham flies helicopters. This much I know. I've interviewed the man. He flies helicopters. And I said, how does that auto rotation thing work if the helicopter craps out and you're 5,000ft in the air? He said, oh, yeah, you can land. I said, how do you land when your motor's gone like, you're not in an airplane. You can glide, theoretically, but in a helicopter, you just drop like a kidney stone. And he said, no. He said, you auto rotate and you can land, no problem. And I said, are you gotta be shitting me? He goes, we practice it all the time. I said, what? He said, yeah, you get up maybe 3,000ft, cut the motor auto rotate. You flip the blades like the other direction. They auto rotate as the wind goes through them, and you fucking land your helicopter. And by the way, if I was that guy's manager, I'd be like, you're not getting near that fucking Apache. You understand me? 19 million. What's 10% of $1.9 million a year up your ass? And you're practicing shutting the motor off in your helicopter.

[Artie Lang]

That pisses me off. All that talent in one human being. He could fly a helicopter like that and he could talk without moving his fucking lips. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable.

[Artie Lang]

Pisses me off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. God just really just touched him.

[Allison Rosen]

Number number three is someone that we've had on the podcast, Russell peters.

[Adam Carolla]

Russell Peters.

[Allison Rosen]

21 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Russell. You know Russell?

[Artie Lang]

I know of him. Like, what is he. Is he an Indian guy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the point. You gotta pick a nationality. Fat and angry is not a nationality. I mean, not saying you.

[Artie Lang]

I'm just saying in general.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? I wasn't directed at you.

[Artie Lang]

I should be thin and Pakistani.

[Adam Carolla]

Oops, I kicked my bell. All right,

[Artie Lang]

the problem is our audience, you know, like, white men is our audience. Audience, probably, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what we have?

[Artie Lang]

They have too many things at home to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and also, we're sharing them. You're. You're drinking out of my trough. I'm drinking out of your trough. We're sharing the same 19 white guys.

[Artie Lang]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy has whole continents wanting to see him, you know?

[Brian Bishop]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, yeah, Russell's a really nice guy. Yeah, Totally cool guy. Friends with him, watch the MMA fights at his house and stuff like that lives around me.

[Allison Rosen]

Does he have a gigantic house house?

[Adam Carolla]

No. He did last time I went over there. He didn't because he's on the road all the time, like, selling out.

[Allison Rosen]

He sold out Madison Square garden and London's O2 Arena.

[Adam Carolla]

It's absolutely insane. And yet if this guy walked down the street with you and you stopped, you'd go, who is this guy? He's a millionaire. And then he'd go, well, what's he do? Work? Develop software? No, no, He's a performer. You don't have no idea who he was?

[Artie Lang]

You know, I'm not kidding. It's funny. Like, I. I'm technically in show business. I. I wouldn't know what he looked like. No, that's unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen.

[Artie Lang]

21 million a year. I wouldn't know what the.

[Adam Carolla]

If he.

[Artie Lang]

If he.

[Adam Carolla]

If he pulled up driving your cab tonight, you'd not say a word?

[Artie Lang]

No. I would be like, wow. Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be like, where'd you get that Rolex Submariner, though? That's a pretty nice watch for a cab driver.

[Artie Lang]

If the game show was, we're gonna have Russell Peters pick people up in a cab and see the reaction. I'd be the worst contestant.

[Allison Rosen]

No, we all would be.

[Adam Carolla]

You would. I would be. I'm the only one who recognizes him.

[Allison Rosen]

I remember what he looks like, but I wasn't sure he was a comedian at the beginning.

[Adam Carolla]

Super nice guy, but Jesus, 19 million bucks. I'm pissed. Keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

Number two, Terry Fader. That's what I said.

[Brian Bishop]

He's the Vegas guy. The ventriloquist.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a ventriloquist. He won America's got talent in 2007, and now he. And he lasts. Last year, he made $24 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Artie Lang]

The Vegas gig is nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's got the Vegas.

[Artie Lang]

Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, listen, let's not begrudge the man because he's having success. That being said, he should die in a horrible, fiery car wreck.

[Mike Lawrence]

Do.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you want to guess who number one is? He made 32 million.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I've seen this at Seinfeld, right? Now, did he make it from touring or just residual checks?

[Mike Lawrence]

Both.

[Artie Lang]

Not residual checks are 32 million is tip money compared to residual.

[Adam Carolla]

The good news is, is he had his eye on an 87 Porsche 944 on eBay, and finally he can squeeze the trigger on that baby. Another hanger, another Porsche. Jesus. Good God. All right, Artie, I know you got to do a show, right?

[Artie Lang]

Yeah. Believe it or not, I have. I have a job.

[Adam Carolla]

We had a funny conversation. Conversation. Because when Mike and I were sweating through our shirts walking over here, I said, now, I know Artie's got to go do his show, but. And then Mike said, I asked his people how much prep time he needed, and then I laughed.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, I just. I just got to get there by, like, a minute before I go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's how I. That was my prep time when I did Reyes. So how long you think it. It'll take to get from Carol lines to your.

[Artie Lang]

Well, if Russell Peters is the cab driver, probably an hour and a half. I don't know. Like, I'm down in the. So I don't know. Maybe 15, 20 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so you got five.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah, I got five minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Artie Lang]

Give us a.

[Adam Carolla]

Give us another story. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Mary Louise Parker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Of Weeds has said in an interview that she's going to quit acting because the Internet is too. She said the Internet has gotten too mean for me. It's just too bitchy. She said she. She refers to herself as thin skinned, and she said there's more negative negativity and criticism than whatever praise you get online.

[Adam Carolla]

I would like someone with the balls to say, I'm gonna quit acting, but I'm not gonna quit my job in acting. I'll just be standing there in the scenes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Silent protest. B. I'm not gonna quit Weeds. I'm just gonna quit acting in Weeds. You're gonna show up for work, but

[Brian Bishop]

you're not gonna pretend to be a character.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll just stand there. I'll be wearing sweatpants. I may be eating.

[Artie Lang]

Some people have done that in sitcom history.

[Adam Carolla]

I do feel like Tim Allen may be doing that.

[Artie Lang]

Absolutely.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, but do you relate. Do you guys relate at all to this. This feeling of there's just too much negativity when you.

[Artie Lang]

When you look at what people write about you online? I always say the only stuff I read retweet is the negative shit because they're just so angry and funny. Like, I. I went to see. I went to see Springsteen in concert, and I was backstage this last summer, and I was taking pictures of stuff backstage and. And putting them on Twitter. Some kid, some good tweets. He goes, nobody cares about your stupid pictures, fatso. And you know what I said? The kid was. Was so right. He was so right. Who gives a. Like, if I had a Sitcom. I would have made him the head writer immediately.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Artie Lang]

Like, he just. So on the money. Who gives a look? It's. It's Max Weinberg drumming Thunder road for the 80,000th time. Nobody cares about your stupid pictures, fatso. Yeah, you know, that's the, that, that the, the stuff that's positive, I don't like, you know. Oh, yeah, but Mary Louise Parker, the people in acting are very sensitive. Like, actors are very.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, that, that's how they, they do it. It's their craft. You know, they, they, they, they're. They're. Their character takes control of them and all that kind of stuff. The problem. I don't. We've not evolved emotionally enough. Like, eventually handled Twitter. Yeah, we're gonna have, like, reptilian skin, you know, we're gonna be like crocodiles or something where nothing bothers us right now. The giving part is easy. That's just you. Your show sucks. What I'm giving you, your last movie was a piece of. Who cares what Nils Lovegren is doing on the rhythm guitar, you fat. No one listens to your piece of shit show. But, but the point is, is that we're at that. But we can't take it.

[Allison Rosen]

It.

[Adam Carolla]

We. We've not evolved to the part where we're gonna. We're gonna be able to take it eventually.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, yeah, cuz. Yeah, I think we talked about this before. Like, I don't think the human brain was meant to hear what a hundred thousand people think of you at any

[Adam Carolla]

moment, but eventually, like in a few years, like when my son is in his 30s and his, you know, his wife says, listen, I'm your best friend, and the pool man.

[Allison Rosen]

And he'll go, it's just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be like, what are you gonna do anyway? What's for dinner? Cause, you know what I mean? Everyone will just be fucking, just not have a pulse. We'll just have ice water in our veins. We'll have been called a shithead. And my son will have been called a dick and a shithead so many times by the time he's 35, it just. It won't affect him anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

Will this be an upgrade?

[Adam Carolla]

I think so. I mean, you know, like, I always, always laugh, but the biggest insult you could say to someone 100 years ago was I said, good day, where they yelled at you to have a better day than you were having.

[Artie Lang]

People are brutal.

[Adam Carolla]

And now it's bad. Fuck, this shit sucks. And. Yeah. All right, so she's out of weeds.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I mean. Well, what I thought you were gonna say is not the thing of showing up, but not acting, but someone who has a bravery to say they're gonna quit acting until they get another job.

[Artie Lang]

Job.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she's. I don't know what we need her for, but I. I like her. But I mean, you know, I do too.

[Brian Bishop]

Actually.

[Allison Rosen]

The thing that was surprising to me about this is that I. I wouldn't think that she gets all this negative stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Who I mean, and. And let's be honest, out of the realm of porn. If they quit acting, would you really be upset about could care less.

[Artie Lang]

You know. Careless. I'd like certain people in who star in movies to announce they're going to start acting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Yeah.

Kristoff.

[Artie Lang]

Vin Diesel.

[Adam Carolla]

Vin Diesel.

[Artie Lang]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe when she quits, Vin can start.

[Allison Rosen]

When your favorite porn star retires though, is it such a loss or isn't there someone else who can just step in?

[Adam Carolla]

It's sad. It makes you feel old, you know what I mean? Like I remember beating off to her when I was knee high to bow Weevil. Now look at us hanging it up. It's like when you're older than everyone in the NFL and now half the

[Artie Lang]

coaches, you know, you know they're too. When your favorite porn star is willing to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Artie Lang, everybody. Gotta go do a radio show. The great Artie Lang.

[Artie Lang]

Badge guys. Salute.

[Adam Carolla]

Website Arty Quitter. Artie, I'll see you in a couple of you on your show. Thank you so much.

[Mike Lawrence]

Ah,

[Adam Carolla]

We got a few more minutes up here. Lumosity.com. i know you guys have damaged your brain with Mangria, but now it's time to train it. They got a little training program for your brain. It's called Lumosity. Brian, you've worked this baby a couple times, haven't you?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, man, it's fun. You know who could really use Lumosity? Before we leave, let's get a picture of the beer bottles here on this front table.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God. The Mangria, the beer. Holy Christ. Hold on a second. Neuroplasticity. That's a word you couldn't say. You're way too, way too drunk for that. Go to lumosity.com, you start training. You train your brain with this thing like I said. You kill it with the beer and the Mangria and then you bring it back to Lumosity, right? You can click and start training. Today select my name from the drop down menu and start playing Your first game, lumosity.com. all right. I'm sorry. Yes. You have a question? All right, go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

So Elliot Gould and Gavin Newsom both

[Adam Carolla]

said hello on my way over. Elliot Gould and Gavin Newsom both said hello on your way over. Using worst guest ever. Yes, I agree. Oh, no. Gavin was fun. All right, all right. This guy's drunk, but he has a question. Yes, drunk with a question missing. Wilt Chamberlain's all right. Oh, no. All right, spit it out. I worked in an office. Yes. You guys work in an office. Three urinals, five stalls, right? Yeah, yeah. Great story.

[Brian Bishop]

How deep can you go to number four?

[Adam Carolla]

I think you can go balls deep into a stall. That's how deep. That's how deep you can go. Thank you. All right, last story. What do we got up there? Why don't you stop talking for a while? Oh, no. Russell Peters is driving him back to his house tonight, so he's gonna be okay.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a story here about how fucking loud restaurants in New York are.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if you guys have gotten upset about that, but I. I mean, I'm. I'm upset with how loud restaurants are everywhere, but specifically in New York, people

[Adam Carolla]

are getting upset and guys are obnoxious and drunk. All of you.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a reason, though. It's that exposed wood is becoming more and more trendy. So in terms of acoustics, I got

[Adam Carolla]

some waiting for you backstage. By the way, the acoustics. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Exposed wood makes everything bounce more. Makes it loud, And it's a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and also the fact that they're pumping Katy Perry into every fucking. In Rihanna into every fucking establishment. Last time I was in New York, we went and had the steak, and they were just pumping it so loud, and the waitress had to. We had a table of seven, and she had to give one side the specials and then go to the other side. And by the way, you know what you do when you yell? Let me explain something. When you're drinking, I don't have to tell you guys, and the music is pumping and you're yelling and you're drinking and you're yelling, all you're doing is spitting on the other people's food. And you do that thing all the time. You're like, hey, past your gratitude potatoes, and they're like, what? Pass you. And then you take a hit off your Mai Tai, and then you lean in and you're spitting in the person's face, and they're fucking spitting in your face.

[Allison Rosen]

Y' all know what else when everyone. This is actually a helpful tip for people. When people yell, they start speaking in a higher register, which then you're competing with Katy Perry, right? Instead of going, ah, just stay low.

[Adam Carolla]

And I want the All Groton potatoes.

[Allison Rosen]

I heard you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but you guys know what I'm talking about. And the person's been smoking menthol cigarettes and doing Jaeger bombs and they grab you by the bag. I want you to know, dude, I know we've had our differences. I know you know, things have been said and that's what you should know. The way I feel about you, dude,

[Allison Rosen]

it's like spit on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, dear Christ. Turn the music down. Yeah, I don't know. What is that steak place? It's right in the middle of Manhattan. Here, stk. Bfd. That's what I have to say.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Wtf?

[Adam Carolla]

I know. The poor waitress. Like, I've lost my voice. I have to yell the specials at everyone. I couldn't hear any. No one at the booth could hear. It's like, by the way, has anyone ever gone out for a steak and been sitting there eating the steak and someone said, why the long face, Bill? And you went, well, sure, it's a fine age select Porter house. But where's the crazy, pulsating, pumping, nine year old girl music giving me a headache like this? Smooth jazz is not working well with my 16 year old Scotch and aged meat here.

[Allison Rosen]

Like what I was promised the Daytona spring break ambiance at this steakhouse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was thinking more, you know, because when I spent $81 on a cut of beef, I want to have Hooters esque sounds blaring at me while I'm fucking trying to eat. What happened? When did we become this stupid, everybody?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

72. Okay, I'll buy that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Dip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rose. Until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Artie Lang, Allison Rosen and Bo Brian saying mahalo.

All right, that was Adam Cruel Show 11:25 Live from Caroline's Comedy Club. That does it for today's Corolla Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

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[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, mean girls.

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Shut up. Titanic.

[Artie Lang]

I'm the king of the world.

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And so much more. For Showtime's press. Nothing. They're free. 24.

[Adam Carolla]

7 that is so effective on Pluto TV.

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[Adam Carolla]

The moment a body is found, the clock starts ticking. 48 hours before the trail goes cold. From A E and Crime House, this is the official podcast from the famous true crime series the first 48. I'm Carter Roy. Every Thursday I revisit a landmark homicide investigation in depth with long form storytelling built for your ears. Listen to and follow the First 48 on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music or wherever you listen to podcasts.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

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Shut up.

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[Artie Lang]

I'm the kid in a world.

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And so much more For Showtime's press nothing. They're free. 24.

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