Ray Oldhafer + Dave Hill (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – “Ray Oldhafer + Dave Hill” (Carolla Classics) Date: July 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

This classic double-feature episode brings together the best of Adam Carolla’s irreverent, rapid-fire humor, personal storytelling, and pop culture commentary. The first segment revisits a fan-favorite 2012 episode featuring home improvement sidekick Ray Oldhafer, news gal Allison Rosen, and “Bald” Bryan Bishop. The second features comedian/musician Dave Hill, who swaps stories with Adam about comedy/music careers, the reality of homelessness, and playing shows at Sing Sing prison. Throughout, expect the unfiltered wit, personal asides, and balls-out rants that define Carolla’s #1 podcast.

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1. Adam & Ray Oldhafer: Classic Banter, Childhood Stories, and Home Improvement

[02:13 – 55:05]

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Ray’s Unique Upbringing

  • Adam tells a tale about meeting Ray’s mom’s boyfriend (a large, intimidating German woman—leading to one of his classic awkward humor riffs).
    • “She could play guard for the Rams.” (Ray, 02:59)
    • Adam embarrassingly recounts insulting her, only to realize she was Ray’s mom's friend.
  • Ray’s parents’ messy love lives and how this shaped his “wild man” legend—and prompted infamous family questions.
    • “How many of you have asked your mom whose cock was bigger, your dad’s or your dad’s friend?... I mean, I wanted an answer.” (Adam, 05:20)

• Podcast Origins & Ace on the House

  • Adam and Ray riff about “Ace on the House,” their home improvement podcast; Adam praises Ray’s honesty and eccentricity.
  • Discussion of eye problems, Lasik, aging, and the Los Angeles heat, lampooned in typical Carolla fashion.

• TV Nostalgia & Theme Songs

  • 1970s-80s pop culture: Adam reminisces about Robert Blake’s show “Hell Town” and the Sammy Davis Jr. theme, leading into a wider discussion about the strange TV trend of priest/nun crime shows in the ‘80s.
    • “Folks aren’t interested in priests solving crime!” (Adam, 12:07)
  • Sid & Marty Krofft “hackery” and “Land of the Lost”/“Sigmund and the Sea Monster” discussed with plenty of nostalgia and mockery.

• Rant: Unions & Hollywood (SAG/AFTRA)

  • Adam launches a classic tirade against forced union participation in Hollywood, blasting mandatory deductions from his checks.
    • “Nobody joins SAG—they drag you into SAG. You get shanghaied.” (Adam, 16:11)
    • “If I had a choice, the answer would be no. It’s like the guy selling you the TV warranty—why’s he pushing so hard to lose money? Because he isn’t.” (Adam, 18:00)

• Home Improvement Q&A

  • A listener asks about fixing charred knotty pine from a BBQ accident; Ray and Adam give practical and humorous advice.
    • “You can take a belt sander, you can hold the trigger in… plug it in, and it's gone. It should be really—people should be suing SAG and the manufacturer belt sanders.” (Adam, 23:54)

• Turkey Genetics & Mild Animal Riffing

  • Ray and Adam oddly riff on the genetics of modern turkeys, “final solution for turkeys” joke, and the loss of wild color.

• LegalZoom and Wills Comedy

  • Adam pivots to “who gets the die grinder” after Ray’s gone—a running home improvement/gallows humor bit.

• News with Allison Rosen

  • Fred Willard “adult theater” scandal (27:04)
    • Adam and the gang debate the absurdity of public masturbation arrests post-VCR era.
    • “Who are you gonna offend? Isn’t that what that place is for?” (Adam, 27:23)
    • Digression into the changing availability of porn and why such arrests persist.
  • “Cops should do what the fuck we want you to do... Not busting Fred Willard, but getting the gangbangers off the street!” (Adam, 39:32)

• Calls & Philosophizing

  • Adam gives classic relationship advice to a 21-year-old about bachelor trips, marriage, and youth.
  • Deeper philosophical turn: On fear, personal significance, and why nothing "really matters"—using sports and MMA as metaphors.
    • “Good news and bad news: You don’t matter. That’s right. Nobody cares if you’re beating off... Not even if you win the Nobel Peace Prize. But that’s freeing.” (Adam, 62:53)

• Rants: Traffic Laws & American Systems

  • Adam rails against nonsensical traffic laws and the way authorities use complexity for revenue instead of public benefit.
    • “Traffic affects your life more than anything: every fucking day, every fucking way.” (Adam, 79:02)
  • Advocates for self-reliance and common sense over “mindless obedience” to signals.

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2. Dave Hill: Comedy, Music, and the Sing Sing Prison Show

[115:16 – End]

Key Discussion Points

• Dave Hill’s Career & Book (“Tasteful Nudes”)

  • Adam introduces Dave, promoting his new humor essay book.
  • Dave describes his band (“Valley Lodge”)—originating from his job at a senior homeless shelter called Valley Lodge.
    • He shares the hilarious-sad tale of a coworker who stole 300 lbs. of meat for crack, highlighting workplace dysfunction.
    • “I was promoted just by being the only one there NOT on crack.” (Dave, 122:34)

• Homelessness in America

  • Adam & Dave dissect myths vs. reality of homelessness (addiction/mental illness far more common than “regular people fallen on bad luck”).
    • “We make a story out of the 1%; the guy pissing on the cat is not that guy.” (Adam, 124:06)
  • Discussion of networks, friendships, and the safety net that prevents most from becoming homeless.

• Living at Moby’s House

  • Dave jokes about couch surfing at musician Moby's castle-like LA home.
  • Adam riffs on real estate, LA property prices, and the “$4.2 million fixer-upper.”

• Comedic Chops and Guitar Shredding

  • Dave is lauded for his standup, plus seriously legit guitar skills—leading to shredding jokes and playful on-air guitar samples.
    • “If you could only have one tool, it’d be a crescent wrench. If you have to have one funny guy on a comedy island, it's Dave Hill.” (Adam, 181:47)

• Playing Stand-Up at Sing Sing Prison

  • Dave’s surreal story about performing comedy for max-security inmates at Sing Sing:
    • “Their favorite comedian is Cedric the Entertainer.” (Dave, 148:26)
    • “I brought my gayest headshot for the flyers, because that would be hilarious—then realized that's probably not a good idea in prison.” (Dave, 148:53)
  • “The guard told my friend, ‘He’s got them. These guys respect him already. He’ll be fine… because I shredded.” (Dave, 153:08)

• Pop Culture & Music Licensing

  • Discussion of Dee Snider/Twisted Sister and political music licensing disputes.
  • Notable take: Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders) allows Rush Limbaugh to use her song because her parents love Rush; Adam says artists should embrace unlikely licensing for extra exposure.

• Murder Houses, Disclosure Laws & Construction Workers

  • Allison reports on Jeffrey Dahmer’s childhood home for sale; Adam tangents into American real estate law and construction site psychology.
  • Detailed, darkly comic stories about murder disclosure laws; Adam’s own family has a home where a relative killed himself.

• Famous Killers and Random Trivia

  • Dave and Adam play “Name That Tune of Murder” as Adam quickly guesses the specific NYC homicide apartment story.
  • Adam: “The guys I built houses with are unemployable elsewhere… tell them to stop working late and they’ll just say f--- you, or take a swing at you.”

• Domestic Violence, Street Fights & Culture

  • Olympic boxer–car crash stories; slapping vs. punching; tolerance of violence in different cultures.
  • Ray’s loyalty: Once tracked down the guy who hit Adam with a bat as a teen and dragged him to Adam for retribution.
    • “That’s a good friend, right?” (Adam, 178:32)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |-----------|:------|:--------| | 05:20 | “How many of them have asked their mom whose cock was bigger… and I don’t mean fucking around—I mean, I want an answer.” | Adam Carolla | | 16:11 | “Nobody joins SAG, they drag you into SAG. You get shanghaied.” | Adam Carolla | | 27:23 | “Who are you gonna offend [by jerking off in an adult theater]? Isn’t that what that place is for?” | Adam Carolla | | 39:32 | “We don’t care what Pee Wee Herman does at the Dade County porno place. We want the guys holding us up at the ATM off the street.” | Adam Carolla | | 62:53 | “Good news and bad news: You don’t matter… You don’t matter, even if you win the Nobel Peace Prize. But that’s freeing.” | Adam Carolla | | 148:26 | “Their favorite comedians are Cedric the Entertainer… and I sent them literally the gayest photo I had for the flyer. Then realized, maybe not a great idea.” | Dave Hill | | 153:08 | “My friend says, ‘They like him. He’ll be fine—because I shredded.’” | Dave Hill | | 181:47 | “You are a crescent wrench of funny and talent—adjustable, can do anything.” | Adam Carolla (about Dave Hill) |

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:13] Start of Ray Oldhafer classic segment
• [12:07] Rant on 1980s TV priest/nun trend
• [16:00] Anti-Union/Hollywood rant
• [27:04] News: Fred Willard “theater” scandal
• [35:56 & 56:00] Listener calls: marriage, fear, philosophical turns
• [79:02] Traffic/transit rant
• [115:16] Start of Dave Hill segment
• [121:16] Dave’s “300 lbs. of meat” story at the homeless shelter
• [148:26] Dave Hill’s Sing Sing prison stand-up adventure
• [165:59] Name That Tune of Murder—Adam’s instant recall of infamous murder-apartment
• [178:32] Ray’s revenge: dragging Adam’s bat-wielding assailant for confrontation

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Tone and Style

As always, the show blends biting cynicism, nostalgia, working-class wisdom, and wild tangents. Adam is confessional, candid, sometimes philosophical—mixing outrage (“unions, traffic, pointless laws”), observational humor, and practical advice (home improvement Q&A). Ray and Dave each add their unique chemistry—Ray with blue-collar deadpan; Dave with witty, self-deprecating stories.

The result is a hilarious, sprawling, endlessly quotable episode capturing why The Adam Carolla Show remains compulsively listenable.

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Perfect For: Fans of comedy, pop culture, rants against “the system,” and anyone who loves the mix of home improvement tips, zany friend stories, and unfiltered, rapid-pace banter that defines the Adam Carolla universe.

Transcript

[A]

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[C]

Foreign.

[A]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to access the archive of the Adam Perolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show is. Well as the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamkorolla.substack.com Sign up, subscribe, listen, ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com all right, let's get the clips coming. First we have Adam Carolla show 871. We've recently had an influx of requests for clips with Ray Oldhoffer, even stuff from Ace on the House. This is Adam Carolla show 871. Ray Oldhoffer in studio along with Allison Rose and Brian Bishop from 2012. Good to see you, Allison Rosen.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

Hello, Adam Carolla and Ray Oldhoffer.

[E]

Hi Adam.

[A]

Good to see you, buddy. And Ball Bryan.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

All right, Ray's here. He is the star of Ace on the House and also not Taco Bell material. The whole chapter dedicated to Ray. Because there's truly nobody else like Ray. And that's a good thing. I mean, people. When I explain to people that I was just saying last night that your mom started dating your dad's friend. Or a couple. A friend of your mom and your dad who was a couple. Jim and his wife.

[E]

Yeah, I know all about it.

[A]

Kathy.

[E]

Yeah. Kathy was the one who wanted you.

[A]

That was a big chick. Yeah, big gal. Big gals like me. Yeah.

[E]

She could play guard for the Rams.

[A]

You don't know how uncomfortable Ray is. I mean, literally, that was your fault. Just picture this. Picture.

[B]

I said guard, not tackle.

[A]

I'm 15 years of age.

[E]

I got 15 pounds difference.

[A]

And this big woman comes bursting through Ray's apartment door and she's yelling at her kid, Nicanor. And she's screaming, and she's German. She, like, runs in and she yells like, have you seen Nicanor? And I said, no. She storms off into the next room and I go, she. Jesus Christ, who's that bitch? Yeah. Like, she played guard, I think, for the. I think I said for the packers, but she played guard for the Rams. Like, big, fat chick, you know? And then two and a half minutes later, she re. Enters the room and Ray goes, hey, this is Kathy. This is my friend Adam. Hi, Kathy.

[E]

How are you?

[A]

Nice to meet you, ma'.

[E]

Am.

[A]

I'm like, you know, 14, 15. He says you could play guard for the Rams now.

[D]

Oh, Ray. And she still wanted you.

[A]

She's standing there and she wanted me more, obviously. I just said it. There's like. There's no. Like. I never did say anything of this sort. And by the way, she looked like she could, you know, Was a perfect statement for her.

[E]

She died, by the way.

[A]

Oh, good.

[E]

Okay. Like my mom.

[A]

So, Ray, you really did have a couple where your mom. Yeah.

[E]

Bill, Ted, Carol.

[A]

Your mom were like. Yes. Your mom and your dad were friends with this couple?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And they broke up. I mean, your parents divorced and your mom started dating the guy from the couple they used to hang out with.

[E]

Yeah, it was dicey. It was really bad. I mean, I chastised my mother for it.

[A]

Like, mom, it was such a painful.

[E]

Nine homes.

[A]

Such a painful memory.

[D]

When he finally opened up about it,

[E]

what he said was, hey, mom, you gonna wreck nine homes? No.

[A]

Hey, mom, whose cock is bigger?

[E]

I did inquire Jims or dads.

[A]

Literally, ask his mother.

[E]

I thought, I'm here for building shit.

[A]

I'm just saying. We're building memories here. I'm just saying.

[E]

What did she say? What was her response, Jim, is girthier. Yes.

[A]

Okay. All I'm saying is this for those of you who think you have friends that are wild men, you know, because they did a cake stand once or they flipped off a cop, even though it was through the call.

[E]

Buford, remember?

[A]

Limo, tint of whatever. How many of them have asked their mom whose cock was bigger? And I don't mean fucking around. I mean, I want an answer.

[B]

Mom, I'm so glad we're doing this now. These stories and all this. I'm going to a bachelor party tomorrow, and I just want to sit back and look at the guys doing all their crazy stuff.

[A]

I just shake my head no, not even close. Not even close. So Ray is. Again, he has a whole chapter dedicated to himself in the book. And again, I mean, I'm not. There's no hyperbole here, because it's impossible to make up a story where you ask your mom whose cock is bigger, your dad's or your friends.

[D]

Ray seems to be getting uncomfortable now, but he didn't get any because I'm

[E]

on the late freight. Hello. I'm on the late freight. I'm delayed.

[A]

He's getting therapy as he gets older.

[D]

Oh, I've been on that train.

[A]

We do a little podcast called Ace on the House.

[E]

Oh, little one. It's quite great.

[A]

It's a huge podcast. New episodes every Saturday on itunes. You can use the AdamKroll app and AceOnTheHouse.com Always Fun, by the way. So, Ray, are we going to. I've been having trouble seeing all day, by the way. I actually used eye drops. I don't know what it was, but I just woke up this morning. No, my eyes started going. I had the Lasik surgery. It's pretty good, but every once in a while, I wake up and I just have a day of not seeing that.

[D]

Well, I'm having a day where my eyes feel weird. And last night, Gary looked at me and said, your eyes twitching. It was twitching so much that someone else could notice it.

[A]

Maybe it's the heat.

[D]

I don't think it's now.

[A]

I'm not. I'm not sure. All right. Ooh, Got a couple. Little love. All right, Ray, should we do a little. Oh, first off, this just came up. Robert Blake was in the news, and I was laughing about the show he did after Beretta, and I was calling it, like, Father Hell or something like that, but it's called Hell Town.

[C]

And.

[A]

And somebody tweeted me. The beauty of the tweets. The tweets Are great. They're double edged sword. They're the good stuff. Like stuff you forgot about, you didn't know about. Everyone's filling in the gaps. Everyone's on the computer. Everyone's telling you what's going on. And they gave me the theme song to Hell Town, which I forgot I knew. Sammy Davis Jr. Did. Don't go to bed with no prize on your head. No, don't do it.

[E]

I.

[A]

And it was like it made sense when you're a kid, like. And keep your ey on the sparrow.

[D]

What is that?

[E]

What?

[A]

Keep your eye on this. What does that mean? Here it is. Oh, it's so funky, Sammy.

[C]

Pretty cool.

[E]

This was like on the air for eight years or something crazy.

[A]

It felt like eight years because you were 11, but it was really three years or maybe four.

[E]

He looks a little like Aussie.

[A]

That's true. Literally three years. Or could have been four years. Keep your eye on the sparrow.

[E]

By the way, we went to school with his daughter. Her name was Deli.

[A]

Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do it.

[D]

Yeah,

[E]

he was a real smurfy guy, right? Yeah.

[A]

He's a little guy with big arms, though. That always evens things out. So who wears boots? And then there's this weird thing.

[E]

Boots with lifts.

[A]

Let me explain what happens with boots. I never really thought about this. Boots, they're gateway footwear because short guys wear boots to get a little extra height. And then they start thinking they're tough because they wear boots. But it's like, hey, dwarf, you're wearing the boots because you're trying to get from five seven and a quarter up to five, ten. So you wear boots everywhere. But now you think you're a tough guy because you wear boots, but you're only wearing boots. You're trying to get a little altitude here.

[D]

It's like packing for people who'd rather have it on their feet.

[E]

Mm.

[A]

That is the greatest story ever.

[D]

You know, like, if you feel.

[A]

Yeah. What? No, if you feel weak, you get

[D]

a gun and then you think you're a tough guy. All right, so sorry.

[A]

Packing heat.

[D]

Sorry, I was using my street language.

[A]

Packing.

[D]

I know.

[E]

You're talking about rolling a suit so

[A]

it wouldn't get ring with Allison. Yeah. Packing. I don't know if we're talking about clutch or guns or what we're talking about. Yeah. So you start wearing boots because you're a short guy because you feel inferior, and then you start feeling like a tough guy because you're wearing boots. It's an interesting thing. So then Blake went on to do Hell Town and he got hold of Sammy Davis Jr. One more time to get get together on Hell Town. This one didn't come out quite as good. Heavenly Father. He's a father. He's a priest.

[E]

Wow.

[F]

Tell.

[A]

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[E]

What year was this, man?

[D]

Remember this?

[A]

85. Was it really?

[D]

Yeah,

[E]

it's when we were running hell.

[A]

A lot of stuff going on in pool halls back in the day.

[D]

It was on for three months.

[A]

All three months seems too long. There's a lot of nuns and priests for a stretch in the 80s and it never worked. I don't know why. When someone started pitching the next nun priest movie where someone didn't raise their hand and go, folks aren't interested in priests solving crime.

[D]

No. There was Father Dowling Mysteries. There was that thing with Nelson.

[E]

Highway to Heaven.

[D]

Yeah, there's that.

[A]

There was Sisters Tracy Nelson. Yes, There was a lot of, like, we gotta get nuns who are doing shoulder rolls and sliding over car hoods.

[D]

And like, the clergy is hot.

[A]

We got a strike while the clergy's hot. Like, what? Why? Hollywood's great. Because Hollywood does this one, which I love. There's another show on another network about a nun. Right. It's failing miserably.

[C]

Shh.

[A]

We need our own nun show. It's like, no, you don't understand. Nobody likes that show. There's other nun shows on TV because

[D]

there's not enough nuns in it.

[A]

Answer me this. Are there other priest and nun shows on tv?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Who cares how they're doing? We're doing another one. No, another nun.

[D]

But don't you think that might be a sign of how ours is gonna do?

[B]

I hear a Lot of talking. I don't hear a lot of nun shouts.

[A]

Here's a lot of typing about nuns.

[D]

So you don't think we should look at that as a measure of how our nun or priest show might do?

[A]

All I know is there's other shows on other channels that have nuns and priests, and that's what I want. That's what we need. And that's how it works. Yes. That's. Again, that's the majesty of all the Sid and Marty Cross stuff of Land of the Lost. No one ever breaks it down. Nobody likes. There's two groups. I've said it many times. There's the people who've never heard of Land of the Lost, Will Ferrell. And then there are the people who've heard of Land of Lost and hate it.

[E]

So that's kind of dug it in a weird way.

[A]

Did you see the movie with Will Ferrell in it?

[C]

No.

[A]

Why not?

[E]

Well, because. No, I'm talking. Okay.

[A]

Why you dug. You dug Land and Lost. Right.

[E]

But I was.

[A]

Then the movie came out, Right. You didn't see.

[E]

Interested.

[A]

All right. So the best you could do is Ray, the one guy who dug Land of the Lost

[E]

is it you know, when you were hungover, when you're at 17, 16.

[A]

All right. But you didn't watch the movie.

[E]

No.

[A]

All right. So you couldn't get the one guy who liked the shitty to watch the movie. That's all right.

[E]

I remember watching Sigmund and the Sea Monster.

[A]

Great story. I gotta tell you, Sleece Stacks, when I did 20 minutes on what a fucking retard Sid and Marty Croft were and used Sigmund and Sea Monster as the worst television show that's ever. Way worse than Hell Town ever. Dana Gould, who was sitting next to me, who makes a lot of money writing and punching up scripts and doing stuff like that during the commercial, looked at me and said, I'm working on Sigmund and Z Monster right now. Yes. Yes.

[E]

By the way, I think Sid or Marty goes to the coffee house that

[A]

I go to, please stab them with a ballpoint pen.

[B]

It was some weird contractual thing where he had to write it. He was like, this is never going to see the light again.

[A]

Yes. And it never did. And again, super, super hacked Sid and Marty Croft. Do you think Ben Fold sits around looking in a rearview mirror and trying to unearth and rehash shit he did 30 years ago? Or does he look forward and create new things? That's how you know they're hacks. All right, Ray is here we have a video question to answer. All right, you can go to what, AdamKroll.com you want to see this one? Do a little home improvement for you. Oh, we have an intro taking call. Home improvement as heard on the Tonight Show. The ace man's lips to those in need. They cover it all, A to Z, roof to basement. And in between, raised on the ladder and he's got the hammer. All right, and speaking of tweets, I was talking about earlier with Hell Town to the pussy piece of shit that gave me the. Hey, man. Coming down on unions, how about you and the SAG and the writers union and all the great health benefits for you and your family? First off, suck my dick, you pussy. Do you think I want to be in sag? What SAG does.

[E]

Mandatory.

[A]

Should be illegal. You get your first paycheck, they take out $1300 without asking, and you're in SAG. You don't join SAG, they drag you into SAG. Nobody joins SAG. You're fucking shanghaied. It's insane.

[B]

You should be the Curt Flood of Shag.

[A]

Yes, I don't want to be. I don't want to be in sag, SHAG or the writers union. Fuck those guys. And they do that. They were like, how about all that great health care they're providing? Okay, they subtract a bunch of money, they take money out from my checks, and then I get healthcare. But I could buy private healthcare for at least half or way less than half of what they're taking from my fucking checks, you retards. And as Mike August pointed out, I am floating all the 99 people who are in SAG who don't cover their healthcare benefits and payments because most of the people.

[D]

You mean 99%.

[A]

99% more than 99. Yes, you're right. The 99% who do not pay their way, who do not work enough.

[E]

I think you never go to the doctor.

[A]

How about the fact I don't want to be in your union? Here's how you know your union is bullshit. Are you losing money on me and my health care, you ass wipes? Of course you're not. You're forcing me to be in your union. You think you're losing money on me? You wouldn't have me in your union if you lost money. Why would you do this? What are you, just a bunch of great guys who like losing money on health care? Why would you fucking force everyone into your union if you didn't lose money on your union?

[D]

We're going to have to Use getting very red right now.

[A]

I can't stand it. Yes, I want to agree with you. The other thing that the union does is they tell you you can't work unless it's union work. Right? And you can't get any fucking union work because they're, you know, 7% of union actors working. Right. Of course. Look, here's the thing. It should be. What they do is definitely illegal. You get a paycheck and they just help themselves to a certain percentage of your paycheck, and then you're in, whether you like it or not. That's insane. Of course you should have a choice whether you join. And if I had a choice whether I was in SAG or AFTRA or the writers union or whatever, the answer would be no. It's the same as when you buy a big screen TV and the guy goes, you want the insurance and you want. Yeah, you want the warranty with that? You go, I don't know how much. Well, it's 38 bucks, but we take care of it. Anything happens to the television and you go, wait a minute. Why do they want me to buy the warranty? Because they go, that TV is $2000 and the tube alone is 1500 bucks. And if that thing breaks on the way home, we pay for 100%. And you're thinking, why is he pushing so hard to lose money? If you lost money on this warranty, would you be pitching it? Would you tell all your sales people to pitch so hard for this warranty if it was a lost leader? No, they don't. They make money. They're fucking vultures and they can go fuck themselves.

[D]

Brian and I are. Well, we haven't done it, but we have plans to form Sidekicks Local 134.

[A]

That's true. Good. And I'm still in love with. Still in love with AgVa. Don't get me wrong, they do clowns and circus performers and things like that.

[E]

Ooh, that's a real.

[D]

We should model ourselves after them.

[A]

Yes, but you fuck the writers union and fuck ZAG and fuck afra. You guys can all fuck yourselves. I don't want to be in your union.

[F]

Fucking friends.

[A]

If you'd like to give me all the money back that I spend on you, I will gladly take it and get some blue shield and save myself tons of money every year. So fuck you, you tweeter ass. All right? Jesus Christ, you're in a union. What about them taking care of you? Fuck them.

[D]

Is that the only tweet that pissed you off, though? Because I would imagine getting all sorts

[A]

of tweets lately, I get all sorts of horrible tweets, but that was the only one. The only ones that. Because mainly they're ridiculous and I don't pay any attention to them. But this idea that I wanted to be in any of these unions is insane. Nobody wants to be in these fucking unions. They drag you into these unions. And again, I'm no constitutional scholar, but I know it's illegal that they drag you into these.

[D]

Yeah, Bobcat and I were talking. Bobcat and I were talking about this.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

On my podcast. When people write you tweets or comments and they ascribe motive or they try to say what? Like, obviously he was thinking this or he wanted to do this, that's extra annoying.

[A]

I don't mind the corrections. Like, I was talking about bullitt being a Mach 1 Mustang and someone says it's a 68 GT Mustang, and like, all right, that's a correction. That's fine. But then the idiot said it was at the Peters Museum. That's incorrect. So he was like, half right. And that's fine. You can correct. And when you're trying to think of the name of a show or the guy who sung the theme or whatever it is, look, you're going to talk. Like, we're going to talk. You're going to be wrong half the time because there's just shit flying out of your mouth. I understand that. But when they do the motivation, like, oh, so you talk this talk, but you walk this walk. That's what I don't like. All right.

[E]

You know what's funny, though? Like, if you were told a young Adam at 15, hey, you're going to be a member of SAG and AFTRA,

[A]

you would have went, woohoo.

[E]

You would have been happy.

[A]

I wouldn't have heard of after sag. All right. Want to do a home improvement question, Ray?

[E]

I don't know. It's up to you.

[A]

All right, let's do it. Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's name your price tool for years. Now, with the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state Law see turkeys. Why are we doing a video question, by the way?

[F]

I hope you can answer my questions here. Those are my turkeys. We live up in Oregon. It's all dark outside, so you can't see that. But it's a beautiful big house with knotty pine.

[D]

Knotty pine.

[F]

Wonderful woodwork everywhere. We love this house. And I did this. I put the barbecue up against the wall and had a summer full of barbecue and steaks.

[A]

I got drunk and lightly charged.

[F]

I have some replacement boards. What do I do?

[D]

The wall is well done.

[A]

He charred his wall.

[E]

Yeah, he did.

[A]

It's rough sawn.

[E]

Yeah, it is.

[A]

What do you think, Ray?

[B]

Fine.

[E]

Just take them out top to bottom, replace them out. You can. He said some replacements. You can sand it all down or take a grinder to it.

[A]

No, not a grinder.

[E]

Yeah. And then random. Or take a stripping wheel and get it all fluffy again. The.

[A]

Yeah, rough sawn.

[D]

What's rough sawn? Just for the one person out there who doesn't know.

[A]

It's like furry looking wood rather than air on it. Yeah.

[E]

It's like a girl that shaves and then a week later that's what it looks like.

[D]

It's an otter wood with stubble.

[A]

Yeah. And when you say. You want to talk about getting a right angle grinder and doing the sandpaper belt thing on it, just do a

[E]

belt flapping, take it all down. Then take the. Yeah, the grinder. Then take the one with the.

[A]

I don't.

[E]

Hold on.

[A]

I don't trust people. The belt sander. Because people get happy with the belt sander. Yeah.

[E]

Keep it moving.

[A]

Fuck it up all the time. They start the thing about like a belt sanders, if you leave it in one place for a beat, it'll dig a groove into it. Another thing people don't understand about belt sanders is you can sit on them and fire them up and go scooting across the floor, like next speed. And the other thing, which is the worst thing that was in the hammer, you can take a belt sander, you can hold the trigger in, you can put the lock on it and keep the trigger locked down and unplug it. And then the next guy plugs it in, it's gone.

[E]

And put a 100 foot cord on it too.

[A]

It should be really. There should be. People should be suing SAG and AFTRA and the manufacturer belt sanders. Because it's really dangerous. No, use a random orbital sander. And then. I agree with Ray. You can use a wire brush to get it sort of roughed up. Again, Right.

[E]

And then maybe squirt it with some oil to match the color again.

[D]

I'm just realizing my parents house had a room that had rough sawn wood on the walls.

[A]

Probably cedar and it.

[D]

But if you rub your hand the wrong way up it. Splinter City.

[A]

That's right.

[E]

You can't.

[A]

Robert Blake was in that. Sammy Davis Jr. Has a theme song. Let's hear it, Mike. Here we go. Splinter City, huh? No, not queued up. Okay.

[D]

They're working on it.

[A]

All right. That was a stupid question. Are we good, Ray? If you're good.

[E]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, it's fine with me. Do we have another question though?

[A]

No. Really?

[E]

That's it.

[A]

That was a dumb question.

[E]

Who picked that? Who's in trouble?

[A]

I like the turkeys are cool. The turkeys were nice, but there's no building involved with that whatsoever.

[E]

By the way, why genetically? Like they've worked out all the color for turkeys.

[A]

They have.

[E]

Yeah, it looks like that. They're all white now. I mean only a wild turkey has like color.

[A]

The man has worked it out.

[B]

Final solution.

[A]

Interesting.

[E]

He had white turkeys.

[A]

Blue eyed turkeys. Mm.

[E]

There we go.

[A]

That's my thing.

[E]

My people.

[A]

Legal zoom. Oh yeah. Raise people. The crowds. Legal zoom. Ray.

[E]

Yeah?

[A]

Do you have a will or living trust?

[E]

Only in you.

[A]

Who are you going to leave that die grinder to?

[E]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

I mean, no, it's not just a grinder.

[E]

Who are you leaving chapter 15 to?

[A]

There's bits.

[E]

Okay, go along with it.

[A]

Are you chapter 15, Ray?

[E]

All right, come on. Move along.

[A]

Is that bankruptcy? I should have made you whatever. Bankruptcy is chapter 11.

[E]

That's chapter 11. Yeah.

[A]

I should have made. Right. Chapter 11. Just a few minutes [e-mail] youm complete your will or living trust. Protect your family, your assets.

[E]

You guys have to do this every day.

[A]

Who's gonna get to. Who's gonna get your cleaning if the worst happens, Ray? Who's gonna get your cleaning deposit of that apartment back?

[F]

You know what I mean?

[D]

You think you're getting it back?

[A]

That's my point. Well, that's another good point. It's the Ray he would have wanted it. Assets.

[D]

Mm.

[A]

Will's loud. Will's quiet. Will started just $69. Except in courts and government agencies in all 50 states. Baby. Go. LegalZoom is not a law firm and provides self help services at your direction. Save even more by typing Adam in the referral box at checkout. Take a few minutes today to protect your family. For wills, trusts and more, go to legalzoom.com all right, Allison Rosen, you want to do a little news? Ray, you want to hang in? Crack wise?

[E]

Sure.

[A]

Let's do it with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[F]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[A]

It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it

[D]

up, she'll sign it off with zip it.

[B]

Cut.

[A]

It's Allison Allison.

[D]

Fred Willard, who we were just talking about on this podcast in the news because he was caught allegedly with his pants down pleasuring himself at an adult movie theater. As I tweeted, if you can't publicly masturbate in an adult theater, where can you publicly masturbate?

[A]

Who are you gonna offend, by the way?

[E]

Isn't that what that place is for?

[D]

Yes. So he was busted. Now his lawyer. So PBS fired him because he is supposed to be hosting an Antiques Roadshow spinoff called Market warriors, but effective immediately, he's been canned from that. His lawyer says that he's going to clear his name, that this, you know, he wasn't doing this.

[A]

All right, hold on a second. A couple of things. First off, they have straight adult theaters still, because the whole thing about.

[D]

Yeah, I was surprised as well.

[A]

Here's how it worked. First off, if you wanted. Ray, remember your brother had a porno movie mvp.

[E]

Which one?

[A]

I don't remember what it was. Robert, your oldest brother had a porno movie.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

And my grandparents left town and you got hold of like a Super 8 or Super 16 or something like that projector. And we brought it over to my grandparents house to show the porno movie. And we didn't have a white screen or white wall to show it, so we set it up in my grandparents bedroom and we showed it against their white dresser. They had like a chest of drawers that was white.

[E]

Was it good? I can't even remember it.

[A]

Well, no, it's black and white. It was like John Holmes. It was like a 16 millimeter. And you want to hear the beginning of the genius of the Ace man, Right. By the way, I can't remember. You don't remember the story? Your brother Rob had this movie. It's like a stag film. I mean, it's back when they called them stag.

[E]

Must have been like, you know, come

[A]

on, like 15, 14 or 15 or something. My grandparents went out town and you needed time back then. Like, it wasn't like, oh, my dad's at work. It was like, someone's got to be in Europe because you have to set up projectors It's. There's a setup process. Yeah. So look at some boobs. We've set this thing up on my grandparents and I, for some reason, it was in their bedroom, which is now bizarre. And it was against. It was again, they had a sort of like Euro white, glossy kind of, you know, no handles on it. A dresser that worked nicely for white screen. And we're showing it against the screen. And at a certain point, I came out and pulled the middle drawer out and yelled, 3D. That was my big joke.

[F]

That was my big joke.

[A]

And then later on, because it was such good stuff back then.

[D]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. Do you think Ray said, oh, you should be a comedian one day now. He said, get the fuck out of the way, douchebag. So we were in such a vacuum of porn back then that I actually got hold of the film and I would hold it up to the light and look at it. Now, when you're talking about 8 millimeter, it's tiny. You're talking about 8 millimeters. Okay, there's 25.4 millimeters. Someone's going to correct me on Twitter tomorrow. 25.4 millimeters and an inch. So 8 millimeters is like a third. Yeah, even less than a third of an inch. It's like 5.

[B]

16.

[A]

That means the fucking frame is that tiny, Right?

[D]

Specs.

[E]

Five, six. Fine.

[A]

Yeah, it's specs. It's nothing. And it's black and white. And you're holding it up to a fucking light in your bathroom. I mean, that's all we have.

[E]

That's why they say you keep jerking off. You go blind before that paint.

[A]

So you go from that to, all right, we're gonna go to the Pussycat movie theater because that's the only way we can see titties. And then somebody comes out with a VCR and you go, fuck it, I'm staying home. And then you hear about Pee Wee Herman and you're like, buddy, don't you have a VCR at home? Because there's tons of movies. There's no excuse.

[D]

Unless part of what you get off

[E]

on is a weird thing.

[D]

Now when you. Because I've never understood.

[A]

Then it becomes a gay thing. Then it becomes a gay thing because the conversation is not gay.

[E]

Well, you've jerked off driving before.

[A]

Oh, come on, Ray.

[E]

Well, I mean, come on.

[A]

Well, it's true.

[E]

I had.

[D]

Where were you driving?

[A]

I was actually on Mulholland. I was driving a stick. That's a fucking good idea.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You were double sticking.

[E]

He was double sticking.

[A]

Here's the Point. Here's the point. Here's the point. I have driven. I have beaten Alfono driving. But you gotta understand, I was working, like almost a half hour from where I live. You know what I'm saying now?

[E]

I knew.

[D]

You have your reasons.

[A]

Yeah, I have my reasons.

[D]

So you can keep your eyes open the whole time.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It's not like sneezing.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, it's kind of like sneezing, but not for your balls. Sneeze. Bless you. Okay. All right, here's what I'm saying. Pee Wee Herman was at this weird. What year was Pee Wee Herman? Because he was at a weird time

[D]

where was over 20 years ago.

[A]

It was this weird and. And I don't know how straight Pee Wee Herman is or how. Whatever.

[D]

Not very is what I'm guessing. Yeah.

[A]

So what I'm saying is, is straight dudes went, fuck it. I'm not beating off with a bunch of other straight dudes. I'm fucking going home. I got a vcr.

[D]

But originally. Is that how it would work in an adult theater? Can't imagine. Just watching to watch.

[A]

There's a lot of guys who.

[E]

There's like circle jerks is stuff like that?

[A]

Well, yeah, not in the adult area, but here's the whole point. A lot of guys. 1991 was the arrest. A lot of guys. So it's been just over 20 years. A lot of guys would go to strip clubs and just watch. You know, there's always. By the way, Ray, you ever meet any of these dudes? The come in your pants dudes?

[E]

That's a fucking weird thing.

[A]

That's a weird thing.

[E]

That's a really weird thing.

[A]

I'd go to strip clubs with guys. Like when you'd go with a whole bunch of dudes and, like, it'd be like some one dude and be like, yeah, I've come four times. Like, what? Four times. What happened? You're getting sucked off in the alley or something? Like. Oh, no, just the lap dance.

[E]

Yeah, that's weird.

[A]

You can get a. You can get a lap dance where shit comes out of your dick when you're wearing. You're wearing dungarees. I didn't say dungarees. Don't want to sound old, you know, in front of the young gals.

[D]

But you're wearing shimenda furs.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

You. You.

[A]

You can have an orgasm inside of your pants without your hands. And by the way, what happens on the subway, like when a guy brushes up against you? I'm sorry, buddy.

[D]

Bless you.

[A]

And you're going on, like, number three, like, what. What happens when you're in the midst

[D]

of a vagina and how disgusting are your underpants?

[A]

I've. I've had these questions, like, I don't know.

[D]

He's probably never in the midst of a vagina. Happens before he gets there.

[A]

That's a good point. I don't know how this works, but. All right, so there are guys, and most of guys would go to a strip club, save up a bunch of memories, and then go back to their house and have at themselves. Or they would go to a Pussycat theater, save up a bunch of memories, and then go back and have at themselves. But when the VCR and the DVDs and Blu Ray and all that came into play, then the only reason to go out to do this was if you're gay. There's a lot of stuff, I'm telling you, I've told you many times. Is it gay, black? And I don't know what the other. The other. The other stereotype is. Jewish. A lot of. Maybe it's Jewish, but whenever. Oh, it's Arab. Is that. What are we talking about? Whenever you go, wait a minute, I don't get it. Who would lease furniture?

[D]

I think Jewish is the other one.

[A]

Gay, black or Jewish could all. It all. It gets cleared up very quickly when you go, oh, yeah, okay. All right. Right.

[E]

So when you go, like, bought a microwave on time.

[A]

Who would go to a movie theater and then, like, beat off with other dudes? And then someone goes, it's a gay movie theater. You go, oh, okay, yeah, now I get it. Like, now I understand there's something there. So we'll say about our Fred Willard friend, I don't know. Because every Pussycat Theater, there used to be somebody figure this out. I'm telling you, in the Southland, there were 37 pussycat theaters. I mean, there was a Pussycat Theater. On every other block, there was a Pussycat Theater. Now every single Pussycat Theater is gone except for one. Where do you think that one is?

[E]

But town.

[A]

That's right. Robert Blake stars. Sammy Davis, Jr. But town,

[E]

where is West Hollywood?

[A]

Yeah, it's on Santa Monica. It's in West Hollywood. And it's in.

[D]

The theater he was at was called the Tiki Theater.

[E]

That was a guess, by the way.

[A]

47 locations in California alone. The Pussycat. There's one left.

[B]

Well, Adam, that doesn't make any sense. Who's going to see titties in West Holly but town?

[A]

The Jews?

[D]

Yeah. The Tiki Theater in Hollywood is Where Fred Willard was.

[A]

So keep your.

[F]

Ey.

[A]

What would the Paul say?

[E]

What were they show. What was the.

[D]

That hasn't come out yet. Oh, really? But there isn't the name of a movie. The article says that the theater is known for showing movies like Stepdad Number Two, but I don't know if that is what he was watching. Now, here's the best part, though. According to IMDb, he's in pre production for a movie called the Yank.

[A]

So also, maybe he was practicing the Pussycat was changed the name to the Tomcat and then to Studs. And it's now the only Pussycat Theater still. Still up and running. So, see, that's how you know you're confused. Like, what the hell? Is there a Pussycat Theater? No gay dudes. Got it.

[F]

Mm.

[A]

Okay, Fred. I wouldn't say I know well, but I'm friendly with and, you know, it's one of these things, like, where if somebody said they're guys, you know, like, we go like. Well, it turns out Dawson is gay. Like, where you'd go, no. Like, no. And then there are other guys where you'd go. You know what I mean? Where you kind of go.

[C]

Like.

[A]

Yeah, I could see that. Like, I've hung out with the dude a little bit.

[D]

Like, who around here?

[A]

I'm not arguing. Thanks for that, buddy. I was about to move to Butt Town out of Splinters Town with all the white turkeys. Let's see, who. Chris Maxapata. If somebody said. Just because I'm confused by his nationality, if people. Oh, the porcelain punisher

[E]

getting blown by a dude.

[A]

Yeah. I'm just saying there's certain people where you go, no fucking way. And then there's other people where you

[D]

go, so which one is Fred Willard?

[A]

Oh, he's in the.

[D]

Yeah. See, the thing is that he's a

[E]

little of a man.

[D]

By the way, he's in his early 70s. He's like 72.

[A]

He's the nicest guy in the world, but he's.

[D]

What's the fucking crime here?

[A]

I don't know. And secondly, that was my whole thing. I was pissed off at the whole Pee Wee Herman thing because they're like, what Dade county does is they send undercover patrol officers into the theater. It's like, really? There's no fucking crime out on the street. What are you doing here?

[D]

I wonder about the officers that. That's their beat. We just happen to be here.

[A]

Yeah, it's their beat. My meat is their beat. Well, it is that thing where you go, look, and I've said this many times. When it comes to the cops, why don't you do what the fuck we want you to do? Like, I know it's fun to bust pervs in a porn theater, and I know it's pretty cool. Like, rather than being with the CRASH Unit and going downtown and dealing with the Crips and the Bloods, it's funner to hang out at the porn theater or to get involved with the Heidi Fleiss case. And you can pose as a Asian businessman and get sucked off by one of her 19 year olds and then do that. I would rather do that as a cop, too. Like, I'd rather go. I'm going undercover and I'm gonna bust places that make hoagies.

[D]

But you're gonna have to taste them first to make sure, right? And you're gonna have to have a whole sandwich.

[A]

I'm gonna throw a lot of meatballs before I fucking take these guys downtown.

[D]

I don't want to make them.

[A]

But that's not what we want you to do. We want the gangbangers off the street, not the gang bangers off the street. We don't care what Pee Wee Herman does at the fucking Dade county porno place. And we don't give a fuck about Heidi Fleiss either. We want the guys that are holding us up at the ATM off the street. So how about you guys focus on the shit we want you to do? So whenever there's one of these crimes, I want to know who busted these people and why they were doing it and what they were doing, the people

[D]

who are busting them or.

[A]

Yeah, I don't care what Fred Willard does. I want to know why the LAPD or whoever.

[E]

And then secondly, like, why was this intact?

[A]

I'm much weird. I'm much less interested in Anne Frank's diary than I am on the asshole that dropped the dime on Anne Frank. Like, I want to know who's fucking picking up the phone and going, hey, there's a spindly Jewish chick who's hiding out in an attic up here, and I want you to come down and get some Nazis down here. I want that fucking guy crucified. And I want the person that bus these people and. Must have been weird for the young cop, like, hey, Fernwood, tonight. Oh, anyway, the rules are rules, all right?

[D]

See, when the Pee Wee Herman thing happened, though, I remember my reaction was that I did think like, oh, wow, this is, you know, quite a scandal. He's really gonna. It's gonna affect his career. Whereas this Seems like a big nothing. And I don't know if the difference is that I'm now 20 something years older or if it's that Pee Wee Herman did work, you know, did a kids show.

[A]

It's that Pee Wee Herman did a kid show. It's that there were no celebrity porno videos and things like that. It's that Fred Willard is in his 70s and a little off the radar.

[D]

Cause even in retrospect, what the hell did Pee Wee Herman do? That's how I look at it now.

[A]

No, you know what? I think my feeling on Pee Wee Herman and I always have this thing and I get in this conversation with people all the time, which is there's what you want and then what you say you want. You know, there's a lot of people that say, I didn't want this to happen. Like, I didn't want to get. I didn't want the breakup to happen. Well, you were drunk and you're abusive and you're verbally abusive and you're having an affair. You're having an affair. And she warned you were over it. Yeah. And she warned you, and you're hanging out in butt town and she told you that if she ever caught you drinking again, that it would be over. And you left a bottle of scotch on the driver's seat when you asked her to get in. It's like, you want it out. You didn't know. You're crying now, saying you want it. You love her very much. But let me tell you something. All we got to do is scratch your just a little bit of your lottery ticket to find out you did won out. I think that Pee Wee Herman, I

[E]

think that he wanted in.

[A]

I think that he felt. I feel Sam Rubens. Paul Rubens. Paul Rubens felt trapped in this character, and he could never get out of it. He could never get out of it. That's it, right? That's exactly it. Close your eyes. And that's it. Do it one more time, right?

[E]

No.

[C]

All right.

[A]

He wanted out. It'd been 15 years of this bullshit, and he wanted out. And he probably had enough money and he realized that you can never get out because there's always a book deal and always a movie deal and always

[D]

an agent of acting opposite a furry blue chair, right?

[A]

And somebody said, there's another deal and a book deal and a multi million dollar deal and a kid show and another thing, and it's something in Europe. And he just went, fuck it. I. And that's how he got out. This is how because there's no other way to really explain it. I mean, if you really are. If you're really wanting to protect this franchise, you stay home and beat off. That's the reality. That's how I protect my franchise.

[E]

You know what? I've actually been to his home.

[A]

You have?

[E]

Yeah. I was doing some. What was I doing at the time? I think I was doing rooter work or something like that.

[A]

Yeah. Is that what you call it?

[E]

That's what he called it, but he had a huge Godzilla with chewing on a Barbie hanging up. It was pretty awesome.

[A]

The 80s were a great time.

[D]

All right, Emmy nominations.

[A]

So hold on. Fred Willard at a theater pleasuring himself. And I love Fred Willard. I've traveled with him. He's a great guy. But he also could be that guy. But the theater shows gay movies.

[D]

Sometimes I don't think that has come out.

[A]

Well, didn't you say some of the

[D]

movies they show was like, well, stepdad number two. Who knows what that is?

[A]

That's more like that. Now we're gonna figure that one out.

[E]

Older dude, younger woman.

[A]

All right, anyway, yeah, someone look up stepdad number two.

[B]

Just go on Fandango and see what they're showing today.

[D]

Or look up Tiki theater.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

See if a bunch of dicks show up on your computer.

[B]

Gary. Go ahead.

[A]

All right, here we go. Sorry. Go ahead.

[D]

Emmy nominations were announced today, and Jimmy Kimmel is up. We knew that this might happen because Dan Michek had said that, but Jimmy Kimmel Live has been nominated for an Emmy in Outstanding Variety Series.

[A]

Oh, great.

[D]

Going up against Colbert Report, Daily show with Jon Stewart, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, Real Time with Bill Maher, and Saturday Night Live.

[A]

Well, at least it feels like now they're in. Do it One more time.

[D]

The Colbert Report.

[A]

Right.

[D]

The Daily show with Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, Real Time with Bill Maher, and Saturday Night Live.

[A]

All right, but it's not like Bally's presents Cirque du Soleil, the 25th anniversary produced by Bob Johnson. Right. Like, it's all sort of late 90s stuff.

[B]

Have they finally split those, or are those still considered variety shows?

[A]

They're still considered variety, but there's no Barry Manilow special from Rio in there. All right, so that's good. So they're sort of other than snl. It's basically that. Yeah.

[B]

Good day for Baby Doll Dixon, by the way.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

He's got a good shot.

[D]

Yeah. Really?

[A]

Who's he? So Jimmy did the announcement this morning because Nick Offerman dropped out. Somebody told me or had a plane problem. I think I'm wearing his hat right now. That's true. You always wear that.

[E]

The only hat you wear.

[A]

Listen, I like Nick Offerman a lot, but is he the guy who should be, like, the guy who announces these things?

[B]

I literally have no idea who that is.

[A]

It's an NBC show. It must be an NBC. He's on Parks and Rec, and he's great, but I mean, Parks and Rec is not setting the world on fire, and he's not the lead. The Emmys must be on the network that Nick Offerman's on.

[B]

Maybe the Austin, maybe.

[A]

Whenever you do. Whenever Kimmel's out there, Whenever you go. No, but whenever you go, what is this guy doing here? There's usually that, but now.

[E]

Not that.

[A]

Not that. What is the Emmy zone? What channel's Amazon or what network's Amazon? I can't stop saying abc. Oh, yeah, well, that makes sense with Jimmy. Nick Offerman's on NBC. Why would you get Nick Offerman to do it then? Why don't you have Jimmy do it in the first place?

[D]

Well, he is hilarious. But so is Jimmy.

[B]

Was this even televised on abc? Is this just an Academy thing, like, independent of.

[A]

I think they just put it out to the news. Whatever. Who's the chick, by the way? Do we know her?

[D]

I don't know.

[A]

She's black, but Kerry Washington, I'm told. All right, so Jimmy was nominated himself, so we don't know if it's official or not. No, I'm just saying he could have just penciled his name in last minute.

[D]

It's true.

[A]

That's what I would have done.

[B]

Leans into the mic, Angie.

[D]

Yeah, and then they're not gonna. They're not gonna say what they don't

[A]

want to look like they best lead in a dramatic series. Oh, here I am again. Jimmy Kimmel.

[B]

Well, this is a happy accident.

[A]

Best actress in a PBS produced two hour drop miniseries. Well, look at me. Jimmy Kimmel again.

[E]

Bad Ronald and Jimmy Kimmel.

[A]

That's awesome. All right, so good. Nominated. Mazel Tov.

[D]

And Mad Men. An American Horror story each got 17 nominations. Do you know anyone who watched American Horror Story?

[A]

No. Nor do I. I don't know what that is, but I've never heard of it. No, it's a series. American Horror Story. But Mad Men got. And they were the tie.

[D]

Yeah, but Girls got a lot of nominations. Breaking Bad, Homeland, Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones, Parks and rec, and 30 rock got.

[A]

Well, Nick Ochman's from parks and rec, so maybe that's it.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

And he's very good in it. And I'm wearing his hat. So there you go.

[E]

Breaking bad. Good show, too.

[A]

Why does he have a hat? Nick Offerman has a hat because he does fine woodworking.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

He was on Ace on the house. Talking about making kayaks and more sore

[E]

blade around that paddles.

[A]

He makes paddles for kayaks? You know what I mean?

[D]

There's a lot of demand for that

[B]

sound like Erwin mainway.

[F]

Know what I mean?

[A]

Know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? Listen, Mrs. What was her name? Mrs. Face. Mr. Face. Look, life's dangerous. You know what I'm saying? Like, let's say I'm driving my car. I'm driving a Cadillac. I roll down the window right now, all of a sudden, my tie flies up, goes in my mouth. I choke into death. I can't breathe.

[B]

Mr. Mainway, do you really think I

[A]

like when they go like, you have Halloween costume? Yeah, it's Johnny Hooman torch. That's just a bag filled with oily rags. Yeah, the kids love it. Yeah, it was a great SNL skit.

[E]

That was funny.

[A]

Yeah, I always loved Aykroyd in that. And then he opened an amusement park.

[B]

I never saw that one.

[A]

Oh, what you got there is the pit of perdition there. The kids love that. Have you ever been down in that pit? I got new shoes. They're Italian loafers. I didn't go down there. Yeah, it was great. Great.

[D]

So I should say this is the first nomination for Jimmy Kimmel after 10 seasons.

[A]

Well, let's hope it's the last.

[D]

And the Emmys will air live from the Nokia Theater on September 23rd.

[A]

Mm. All right, so I'm wearing Nick's hat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He makes paddles. First world thing, you know what I mean?

[D]

Paddles for kayaks. It's like making battles.

[E]

Papyrus canoes.

[A]

You do shit you don't need to do, but you do it just to say you did it. You know, you have to look at. Look at what percentage of this country does shit to say you did it. You know what I mean? Like, you see those guys and you go to Yosemite, and they're halfway up half dome there, and they're going up, and it's like, do you get money? Do you get laid? Like, what do you get?

[D]

Anything that involves the use of it. Is it called a carabiner?

[A]

Carabiner, yeah. Though that's why this country is great, because while every other country is like digging for water. We're fucking making kayaks just for the fuck of it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, wait, here's Paddle. Here he is. By the way. Suction cups off.

[D]

And the arrows become dangerous missiles. We have with us tonight Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys. Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so called harmless play things. A pretty Peggy ear piercing set, Mr. Skin Grafter, General Tron secret police confession kit and doggy dentist. And what about this innocent rubber doll which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? Press his head and two sharp knives

[A]

spring from his arms.

[D]

Mr. Mainway, I'm afraid this is by no means a safe toy.

[A]

Okay, I'm Ms. Sam. I want to correct you on one thing here, okay?

[F]

First of all, the full name of

[A]

this product as appears in stores all over the country is Johnny Switchblade Adventure Punk. Now, I mean, you know, nothing goes wrong. He sees little girls by him, you know, they play games, they make up stories. Nobody gets hurt. You know, I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while or Ken gets cut, you know, I mean, I mean, there's no harm in it.

[B]

I mean, as far as I can

[D]

see, you know, I see fine.

[A]

Fine, you know.

[D]

Well, we'd like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway's products. It retails for 198 and it's called Bag of Glass. Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous glass bits.

[E]

Yeah, right.

[A]

It's, you know, it's just a glass. It's broken glass, you know, I mean, you know, it sells very well, as matter of fact, you know, it's just broken glass.

[D]

You know, I. I don't understand. I think children could seriously cut themselves

[A]

on any one of these pieces. Yeah, well, look, you know, a kid, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere. The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots all over the place, any big city. We're just packaging what the kids want.

[E]

You know,

[A]

you got to see the mustache in the glasses. Obviously, colors and rainbows come in, teaches them about light refraction, prisms and that stuff. Yeah, you know, prisms, you know, I see. You know what I mean?

[D]

Oh, so you don't feel that this product is dangerous?

[A]

No, come on. Look, we put a label on every bag says, kid, be careful, broken glass. I mean, we sell a lot of products in the Bago line. A bag of glass, bag of nails, bag of bugs, bag of vipers, bag of sulfuric acid, bag of hydrate. And then, you know, decent toys, you know, What?

[D]

I mean, well, I, I guess we can see that all of your toys are really unsafe and should rightfully be banned from the market, huh? I, I don't know. I, I just would have like to know what happened to the good old teddy bear.

[A]

Hold on a minute, sister. I mean, you know, we'll make a teddy bear. I got one right here, you know, this right here, it's got a nice little feature here, you can see and take a shot of it. Hold it up here, you know we call a teddy chainsaw bear.

[F]

There it is.

[E]

All right.

[A]

It's got a chainsaw. All right, you get, you get the idea. I was talking earlier. That's Irwin Mainway, I think, talking about why we're number one. Because we do a bunch of crap we don't need to do, but we do it anyway.

[B]

Talking about this podcast or America or both?

[A]

Both. I'm talking about tough mudder.com marathons. Boring. Tough mudder it isn't. No. Test your ability. You know, the marathon is just basically like you just run, run in a straight line.

[B]

Wake me up when it's over.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Start like 5 in the morning.

[A]

That's right, that's right. They test your grit over there. Tough mudder. 10 miles, 25 military style obstacles, including 10,000 volts of electricity. Irwin would like this, by the way. Jumping into an ice cold dumpster called the Arctic Enema. I like that.

[D]

And you pay to do it.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's the movie Fred Bilder was watching.

[A]

That's right, that's right. But the money goes $3.2 million by the way, to the Wounded warriors project. So they pass along. That's right. And you get yourself a nice cold beer at the end at the finish line. And there's a band playing.35 events worldwide in 2012. People like to challenge themselves. Let's face it. Go to toughmutter.com use the code ADAM Carolla for a discount. Tough Mudder. Put yourself to the test, everybody. Toughmutter.com all right, now, Jay, who was supposed to show up here? Jay Chandrasekhar from. Well, you know. I know.

[D]

Broken Lizard.

[A]

Yeah, Broken Lizard. You know the guys, super troopers and all that stuff. Mike fucked up the booking so he's coming later or something like that. But either way he's not showing up. Yes, I know there was confusion with Mike. In a time. I know it's not the Mike we know. It's all right, we'll get him back in here. We have some phone calls. Ray, you can Hang out. We're gonna end a little bit early tonight anyway. Alison,

[E]

can you read the board?

[A]

I can read it, yeah. Do you want to do one more news story? Nah, fuck it. Let's take some phone calls. I'll just start at the top. I don't know why my eyes are shitty today, but I'll start at the top. We'll just go right down. John. John. John.

[E]

Hello, is your name John?

[D]

I think it might be Sean.

[B]

I think that might say Sean.

[C]

No.

[A]

Does that say Sean? No, no, no, it says John.

[B]

I think he said Sean.

[A]

It's always perfect when your eyes are fucked up and then somebody has to add this extra layer thing. Okay. Sean? Yeah, I'm here. Okay, thank you. Dick weeds. What's going on, Sean? We're gonna break down. I'm gonna fire a call screener. I'm getting married in September, and just a couple days ago, one of my

[F]

buddies I worked with at one of

[A]

my other jobs asked me if I wanted to go to California with him. And I was like, yeah. And my fiance thinks it's a terrible idea. What do you guys think? Go to California for what?

[C]

Just for fun.

[A]

You want to watch Fred Willard beat off? Yeah, go. Come to California and stay in California. Or just. Yeah, my friend's uncle lives out there, and his uncle bought him plane tickets for his birthday or something. And he's going alone. He's like, come with me. And I was like, all right, I'm doing it. And then my fiance said, no, you're not.

[D]

Why does she have a problem with it? And for how long are you supposed to be gone?

[C]

Four days. And

[D]

wait, let's find out what her name is.

[E]

You're 21, too.

[A]

What are you getting married for? I don't. Good question. And number. Yes, you're going to California. I was in Texas for three days, but my wife didn't freak out because I've gone to Texas for three days and I was coming back. You're just going to California for four days and then coming back, or you want to. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

No. Yeah, Just four days. Coming back.

[A]

All right, so who gives a shit?

[E]

Because it's 21 year old logic.

[A]

All right, so your fiance's what? She thinks you're attractive and you're gonna meet somebody else? I don't know. Maybe she's scared of that. All right, what's your question? I just wanted to know if you guys think it's a good idea or a bad idea. All my friends think it's a bad

[D]

idea to go to California. I think it's a bad idea to get married for you.

[A]

All right, hold on a second.

[B]

This is gonna end badly for him.

[A]

Somebody has free tickets to go to California for four days. Yes, he is calling us to ask if it's a good idea or a bad idea if he comes to California for. For four days with his friend. That's a non question.

[B]

He and his fiance are in the early 20s and they're obviously not seeing eye to eye. And this is gonna end very badly

[A]

for them if they're getting into an

[B]

argument over coming on a vacation and

[D]

he doesn't even know why she doesn't want to.

[A]

Is it because they're gonna get married in a week?

[D]

That would make more sense. I don't know.

[A]

Why I gotta fucking torture myself. When are you supposed to get married?

[C]

September 15th.

[D]

Are you taking off work or something to do this trip? Why does she think it's a bad idea?

[A]

Well, I don't know, because we're paying for the wedding ourselves and I would have to pay for my own ticket, and she's not going. How about the part where your friend has an uncle lives in California? You got two tickets? No, just one ticket. I'd have to pay. Well, just come anyway. Do you want to come or not? I don't know. I'm mad at Never. Fuck him. Forget it. All right, 10 seconds ago he said he had two tickets, right?

[E]

Something like that.

[A]

And it's ran as a non question. Listen, screen these fucking calls, would you? This guy's an idiot. Who had no questions. Thank you. All right. I don't know what the name is. Derek.

[C]

Hey, Adam.

[E]

Dirk.

[A]

Dirk.

[E]

No, I'm kidding.

[D]

Derek.

[A]

Derek. What's going on? All right, I have my second MMA

[C]

fight here in a couple weeks.

[A]

Huh?

[E]

I have my second MMA fight here in a couple weeks.

[A]

Oh, you got. Oh, okay, I gotcha. You got another MMA fight. All right, good. Yeah, and I got the hell beat out of me my first fight.

[C]

Right.

[A]

That's not the you I know.

[E]

Yeah, but you feeling pretty confident this time

[C]

anyway.

[A]

I can't hear. Shut up, will you? Go ahead.

[F]

Why don't you stop talking for a while

[C]

anyway.

[A]

Did you ever get. I got beat up bad in that first fight. I'm nervous for the second one. I don't know if you ever got beat up in boxing and then what

[C]

you did to get kind of get

[A]

past that for your next fight. Yes, I have. And I don't know if I ever effectively got past it.

[E]

Golden Gloves, right?

[A]

Yeah, I would say that the fear of getting beat up should motivate you for the, you know, not getting beat up the second time. Why are you doing this, by the way? Just for the money. No, I don't. I'm an amateur. I get paid $50.

[C]

That's it.

[A]

Oh, you're just doing it for the challenge. Why don't you do Tough Mudder instead? You get a beer and a band at the end instead of a black eye. Well, I don't know. I wrestled for a long time. Done Jiu jitsu for a long time. Well, let me. Let me. Let me tell you this, Derek. I've. I follow the mma and I've heard a lot of guys talk about, oh, the guy lost his first couple of fights, and then he's won his last 20. Now, it's not going to be you, but let's be honest. But there is a lot of. There are a lot of guys who were like, you know, 2 and 5, and then they went on a winning streak.

[E]

On a roll.

[A]

Yeah, they got on. They got on a roll. So let's get motivated. Let's focus. Let's. Let's go in. Let's work that jab. What's your move?

[C]

What?

[F]

You.

[A]

Is it. Is it wrestling? Is it the ground game? Yeah, wrestling, huh? Are you working on your stand up?

[C]

You know Grady Burr?

[A]

No. He's won the container.

[F]

He's my box.

[A]

Was my boxing coach for a long time. Yeah. And I still suck at boxing, so I just gave up on that. Okay, so here's the thing. Here's what I would do, Derek. You're gonna get whacked around a little bit. You'll be fine, and it'll be a good story to tell your kids if, in fact, you don't get punched in the balls repeatedly. Okay? Do you have kids? No. Okay. When you do have kids, it'll be a good story. And it all. You know, once in a while, you get a moment that seems bigger than you and you get freaked out by it. And then you just realize, look at all these fights that took place in the past. Look at all these events that took place in the past. Look at all these huge, you know, World War I, World War II, the thrill in Manila, you know, and all just a distant memory. Now half the people associated with it are dead. Everyone's just sitting back, some weird memory placed back in the skull of half the Americans that were even around long enough to remember it happening in the first place. So just get some distance from it and go, you know what? Whatever happens, it's going to be another story to tell my kids.

[D]

Can you talk for a second about that moment, that feeling? The first time I ever had it, I was actually. I was walking down an old historical street and I was like, there's so many people that came before me and are going to come after me on this street. And I felt very connected to history. But I also had this sense that, like, I am such a blip. This moment is a fucking blip in terms of everything. And then it went from. It was this very transcendent moment, but ultimately made me feel almost depressed because it's like I just. Suddenly, my mortality was so apparent to me.

[A]

Well, it's this thing where I think we're all infused with this kind of narcissism that makes whatever you do and whatever your short stay on this planet important to you, no matter who you are. Now, every once in a while, if you want to really just get out of it, I mean, if you're feeling badly about yourself or about things that are being said about you, or there's a situation, or you got caught beating off at a theater in Silver Lake or something like that, you just sort of look around and you go, how much do I care about other people? Like, you know, it's fun to make fun of Fred Willard, but you really give a shit about Fred Willard.

[D]

In the grand scheme of things, whatever it is, even this awful thing that you're dealing with does not matter.

[A]

Not only does it matter, you don't matter. Like, I got good news and bad news, you don't matter. So no one cares if you're beating off. The bad news is you don't matter. No matter what, you don't matter. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize, you don't matter. And then, as far as other people, because it's funny, I was doing an interview today and someone was saying all the shit you got on the Internet with the men being funnier than women, which got translated into women weren't funny and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, the guy said, like, how's that make you feel? And I said, I'd feel bad if I thought anyone really gave a shit, but I know they don't. I mean, they like to write tweets and they like to be insulted and outraged and indignant and stuff like that, but really, no one gives a shit. Like, I know they don't give a shit. I'd be flattered, be flattered if they did, but they don't. Nobody who's writing a shitty tweeter or a blog or whatever it is about me and about my opinions or whatever, then I don't give a fuck about me.

[D]

It's more about them having to say what they think about.

[A]

About me. Yes. It's more of their narciss on display. They're gonna write a blog about me and how incense they are about me. But really, how much do you really. And again, yeah, you think about your family and you have things you want to take care of and all that kind of stuff, and people you work with and you have relationships, but really, how much are you thinking about them when they don't pertain to you? You know what I mean?

[E]

Not at all.

[A]

That's right. Like, there are things you need them to do for you, and there's interactions and there's a symbiotic relationship. There's this, hey, I need Dawson to do this, and Dawson needs me to do that, and that's great. But when you start removing the part where you have that I need him for this or I share that with them, he starts to kind of get pretty distant pretty quick. And I tell that to people all the time, even as it pertains to blood relationships. Now, when you're talking about co workers, these are people that were born in different states, but even blood, when I talk about fathers and sons and daughters and mothers, the thing that brings every father and son who I know, who are close, they tailgate at USC ball games. They have a love of cars, and they go to the car shows and then they go. And it's a lot of, oh, my dad's a huge Dodgers fan. And we go to opening day every year, and then we would go out. One time we went out to Vero beach for spring training. We were three days in Florida. It was just me and my dad. It's always around some event, and it's some event that they care about. If you removed those interests and those events and that and it just came down to you deciding how much time you and your dad or you and your daughter, you and your whatever, just sort of sat in a room and looked at each other, it wouldn't be that much. It really wouldn't.

[B]

Ball.

[A]

Bryan loves usc. His dad loves usc. They love bratwurst. It's all true. And it brings them together. It's sort of. There's a bunch of life excuses to come together. It's my problem with my family is they don't have anything that they're interested in. Thus, there's no events. Thus, you really gotta work.

[D]

Your mom Likes smoothies.

[A]

Oh, she likes smoothies. That's right.

[D]

Go to smoothie convention.

[A]

Yeah, I'll see you at the Robix, sweetie. So what, you want the energy blast or you want the immune suppression stuff or whatever? The immune enhancer? The point is suppression. The worst additive ever. Boost ever. The point is.

[B]

Tried them all except that one.

[A]

You remove all those things and all you have is. We have to schedule a breakfast and to talk about. Not about anything, because we don't like cars or the Dodgers. We just. A breakfast. It gets down to once every three years at that point versus every home game or every other. Every other home game. So in terms of you and what. And we're getting really philosophical on this question here. My answer to that is, if there's ever anything that feels much bigger than you realize, it'll be over. History will never remember it. No one's gonna talk about it after this. And remove yourself from it. Float above it while you're beating the shit out of the guy. Float above it.

[D]

That's how I get through any sort of unpleasant medical procedure or even, like, my, you know, fear of surgery or anything like that is just separating from it.

[E]

Mm.

[A]

Yeah, I feel the same way. All right, good.

[E]

I think I'm talking about being mindful there for a minute. That's what I wound up.

[A]

Being mindful.

[E]

Yeah. Do not float above it.

[D]

Accuse him of that.

[A]

How dare you. Hey, David. Hey, Adam. How are you? What's going on?

[C]

Hey, man.

[A]

So first off, I gotta say, I think Sean's girlfriend's problem is he's. She's afraid that he's gonna go out there and jack off Fred Willard. You were talking about Fred Willard.

[D]

How about leaving the jokes to Adam?

[A]

Your question is, how does Adam feel about concealed carry? Yeah, well, you had mentioned talking about Fred Wood, that the cops should be doing more important things. Sure. One of the things out in Chicago, Illinois, we're one of the only states that doesn't have the. The right to carry a concealed weapon. And I was kind of wanting to get your take on how you felt about that. I used to be very anti guns, and now I don't really care that much. I do know that when criminals think people have guns, there's less crime. I was brought up around that, you know, you can't have a gun in a house. But then I got sort of realistic later on. And if you listen to, like, Freakonomics, you realize you will let your kid go to a house that has a swimming pool and play. But if there's A gun somewhere. You won't let them go there. Meanwhile, they have a. 10 times the ratio.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

10 times more high likelihood of drowning in the pool than they do with the guns because the gun just feels inherently scary.

[D]

More fun.

[A]

Pools are definitely more fun. And, you know, if you have a chicken fight with a gun, it usually comes out bad. Whereas with pool, it's a good time.

[E]

I think they call that Russian roulette. Yeah.

[A]

I really. As bad as it sounds, I like the notion. I mean, obviously regulated, trained, and all that kind of shit. I'm basically fine. I want the criminals to think people are packing. I like that notion. I know, for instance, that I said it in my first book. I think if you'd like your house not to be robbed, you just go ahead and fly a NRA flag over it or fly a Dix Confederate flag or Dixie flag over your house or put some NRA stickers in the. Don't do a. Here's how many cats I have for the fireman.

[D]

You don't want to be robbed, but you do want to have awful graffiti on your house.

[A]

Yeah. If you're all right with people thinking

[B]

there's a give and take. Alison, you're racist.

[A]

No, I'm saying you can simply put a Don't tread on me flag and you'll probably not get your house stylish and effective.

[E]

But a lot of criminals don't know what that is.

[A]

That's an attraction. I'm just saying if you put some. If you put NRA stickers in every window, you'll probably not get your house broken into because the criminals think whoever's in there.

[D]

What about having a loud dog?

[A]

That helps, too.

[D]

I thought that's supposed to prevent.

[A]

I think that helps as well. It all. It all. Everything is an attempt to get them to walk across the street and go to the other house with the rainbow flag.

[E]

Just put like size 15 boots.

[A]

Anyway, you know, I'm not a gun guy. I'm basically anti gun. On the other hand, if you want to get registered, you want to get trained with it, you want to be responsible with it. Yeah, I would like a bunch of trained, responsible people. If anything goes nuts at a supermarket and some nut job comes in and starts, sure, there's a, you know, was it Virginia Tech or was it Columbine or whatever? Yeah, I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it. But in general, not a gun guy. Never been a gun guy. All right, But I like the idea. It's weird. I now like the idea of Responsible guys with salt and pepper in their hair. Having a gun on them around me somewhere. And they could shoot whoever's fucking.

[D]

Well there's. Okay then I must do this news story.

[A]

Oh, you have a news story?

[D]

I do. There's a 71 year old guy. So there.

[A]

That's mostly salt in the hair.

[D]

Internet cafe in Florida. Two youths come in with guns, say they want to rob it. And this 71 year old guy who's there. What is a 71 year old even doing at an Internet cafe? But. And there's surveillance video. But. So that'll be on our website. He starts shooting at them and then they run out.

[A]

Uh huh. I like that.

[D]

So he saved the day.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Though if I were there. I just think this whole fucking thing is scary.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Okay. So look in the sort of the upper right corner.

[F]

Mm.

[D]

Top of the. There he is.

[A]

Awesome.

[D]

Little old man.

[E]

Awesome.

[A]

We're watching an old shoot from shooting at him.

[D]

That's a witness. He was talking there.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah. So they ran. He wound like they were wounded but he, he. They ran out.

[A]

Yeah. I know everyone is pretty well freaked out by guns. But no one thought to hit the

[B]

deck when the guns were firing.

[A]

No ears.

[D]

What the hell is this old man doing? And he didn't even say I have a gun. He just began shooting. That's kind of scary too.

[B]

That's how you do it.

[A]

Lot of fat folks standing around there holding their ears. If you're fat. I've been mixed feelings about gunplay and being fat. Like on one hand I have a higher likelihood of being hit. On the other hand, what's it gonna hit? You know what I mean? A little arm flap. You know what I mean?

[E]

It's gotta travel nine inches. Anything vital?

[A]

That's right. I mean, yeah, it's gonna hit a flap and just keep going. I like, I like the old dudes with the guns. I'm fine with it and. But here's the point. Here's what I want. I want every punk who's gonna go in. I know I sound like Robert Blake now. Every punk is going to go in and rob an Internet cafe. I want them freaked out thinking that every seven year old guy in here is packing. That's what I like. That's what I want. I want them to think that.

[E]

Exactly what happens. What you want.

[A]

All right, let's see. Propose to girlfriend. Got a ticket for running a red turn arrow. Oh, let's talk to Greg for a second. I just did that last night. Hey Greg.

[B]

Hey Adam.

[E]

How are you?

[A]

What's going on, Greg?

[F]

Not much.

[D]

Hi.

[C]

Alison Ball.

[E]

Bryan.

[A]

And hi. Good to speak to you. What's happened? What happened?

[C]

I just.

[A]

I run this red turn arrow all the time leaving work, and I didn't do a good enough scan and got popped. Yeah. The cop behind you. No, he was in front of me. Kind of behind the pillar, it seemed like. And, yeah, I just kept my mouth shut and got me a ticket. Why don't you fight it? Well, it happened last year. Oh, I see. Kind of the worst thing is I fly a medevac helicopter and I was

[F]

in my uniform, I had the helmet

[A]

in the front seat just for that reason. Guy didn't give me a break. He didn't give me a break. This is a guy. Was he a motorcycle cop?

[D]

Does he hate Adam Carolla?

[A]

He was a car cop, but a cop, I mean, could be involved in a shooting or collision or an accident where a guy like you would have to come in and medevac him out of, you know, whatever horrible situation he got himself into. That's right. Like, this is not a good plan because you are on his side. You know, you're not a cop yourself. Cops don't give cops tickets. But you're one step removed and above. Literally. Like I would say, it's bad juju to fuck with medevac, guys. It means you're gonna. Someone's gonna need the Jaws of Life to get you out of a car. And you're gonna bleed out on the side of the interstate, right? I'm gonna say, no time for backup. No time for fucking backup. And if you find out the guy's name and then you find out something horrible like some gangbanger shoots at me and. Go. As soon as I land on this Dunkin Donuts, get myself a bear claw and a refill. I'll think about coming over first.

[D]

I gotta wait at this light.

[A]

I gotta swing by Nicole Kidman's house. Cause she usually gets changed about this time. I like to hover outside of her bedroom window. I saw Blue Thunder. I know how it works. That's not controlled airspace. I'm all out. Did you see Blue Thunder? Oh, hell, yeah, I did. Yeah, you did. That's. That one.

[D]

Why do you think he drives a helicopter?

[E]

Flies.

[A]

Yeah. He shouldn't have given. But you have to look for cops. I did a horrible job that I was really, really disappointed in myself.

[C]

And I need.

[A]

Can you help me break through that barrier? I will. Okay, let me explain something. Do not let it stop you. God would be horribly disappointed he would. What if Peyton Manning, you know, I'm sure in his rookie season, he threw a pick six. What if he went. You know what?

[D]

That's it.

[A]

I'm. I'm playing cricket. I can't play in this league anymore. No. God wants you to run more arrows now to make up for this.

[C]

That's.

[A]

That's the point. Huh? Oh, no, here's the point. Here's the deal. Cops normally, unless you miss them, cannot see this behavior because it doesn't look illegal. Cops are sort of like cats. They need movement. They kind of work off of movement, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Like a T. Rex.

[A]

Like a T. Rex. They need. Or they need to see something rustling around over in the brush, and then they're attracted to it. But this is like you're turning left or turning right, depending on where it says no left turn or no right turn or wait for the arrow or whatever it is. And the five intersections before that, it was perfectly legal to do it because there was no arrow. So it doesn't look like it doesn't catch anyone's attention. When you're a cop and a guy blows past the cop and he's doing 90, that catches his attention. When they're swerving, drunk driving, all drunk driving busts, or 90% of them is you caught that guy's attention by doing something stupid in your car.

[D]

Might it be the end of the cycle where you. It just turned as you were turning. Isn't that how they work?

[A]

Or they're all different and that's the beauty of them. And they're not synced up to anything, and they confuse stupid drivers because there are the occasional ones. There's two by my house, one that is green and then goes to nothing. But it confuses people. They're scared to go out into the intersection, even though there's no red arrow and there's no sign that says, again, we have zero interest in moving people along. I mean, one could argue we talk about the school system, we talk about crime, we talk about infrastructure and the economy and stuff like that. But one could argue that traffic is probably a scourge that affects more of us in a deeper and more impactful way than almost anything. We talk about crime. We spend our whole lives sort of freaked out about crime. Like, do you hear so and so down the street? Street got their house broken into. But who here's really been affected by crime? I mean, Ray, you've had a handful of your tools stolen.

[E]

Yeah, here's what I was affected by. Getting over the hill today, hour and a half, right?

[A]

Who's been stabbed? You know what I mean? You watch. Shut up, right? You watch the news and you hear these horrible stories like, woman was eight months pregnant and the gangbangers broke into her house and brutally raped her and then set her on fire. But she survived, but her infant didn't, you know, and you go, oh, that's humanity and all that. But really, traffic affects your life much. Every fucking day, every fucking way. The school system, you know, the economy. There's an ebb and flow to it. The good years and there's bad years.

[D]

I've been raped by traffic.

[A]

That's right. That's what I'm saying. In Butt Town. In Butt Town. Crawling through Butt Town bumper to bumper in Butt Town.

[D]

So I've been rear ended.

[A]

We have a huge problem with traffic in this and we do nothing to alleviate it. We talk about possible adding a third lane or a fifth lane or doing a double decker, this and that and the other. The reality is we can move things along at a much quicker pace than we do. Most of it is just ill informed drivers. They don't know what to do when the signal goes from green arrow to nothing arrow. And they don't venture out into the intersection and thus one car turns or no cars turn when the signal cycles. Most people, as I argue all the time, don't even know it's legal to turn right on a red in this city. Do we talk about it? Is there a campaign that I'm unaware of and as I've yelled about before, when there's a fender bender, is there signs, as there are in other cities that are smarter than us, that say pull it off to the shoulder? No, we have zero interest in this other. In that we like to use it as a revenue raising opportunity. As a matter of fact, we don't want people to know how it works. It's kind of like the irs, super confusing. Lots of paperwork, lots of folks employed. I have to pay someone five grand a year just to do all the fucking forms. Because it'd be literally impossible for someone like me to handle all of the forms and all this. It's this machine that we're all sucked up into. And the fact that we don't know how it works or when it works or what's going on is just how they like it because it's the way they extract money from us. Now when the city is interested in things such as conserving water, they do a pretty good job of it. They make people Aware of it. They tell people, hey, if we see you with your sprinklers on at noon, you're going to get a ticket. And we see you hosing down your driveway, going to take it, and POW. We save 50% in water almost immediately. We mandate low flow toilets, low flow shower heads, whatever it is. Pow. PSAs, pow. It works. This traffic. Not interested. Not interested.

[D]

Where's the pow?

[A]

No. So it is up to you as Americans, because after all, this is what makes this country great. If someone's going to pass a stupid fucking law that really, again, the spirit of the law is don't turn in front of oncoming traffic. But at 2 in the morning on a Sunday night when there's zero traffic, and what's the law there for and who's it protecting? And aren't you in more danger sitting there in the middle of this traffic than you would be turning when there's no traffic coming? So you be in charge of your own destiny. And you turn. I've done it. I'm now at the point where I wish I would get a ticket so I could fight the ticket, so I could turn it into a Norman Ray situation. That's right, I'm a dude, Norman Ray. I'm Norman Ray. I'm the hero of dudes who work at factories who get tickets. Left hand turds. I'm Norman Ray.

[E]

Go, Norman.

[A]

Thank you. That's what I like to do.

[E]

Have you ever ride the subway once yet?

[A]

No. Me neither. I'd like them to make a fucking movie about me. So, Norman, I realize it's difficult because it feels weird driving through something that's red. We're all trained the same way. It felt very weird for me. Once you do is easy, and then once you get used to it, you can't stop doing it. And now, by the way, I drive through reds too. If I don't see any cars coming, any direct drive through that. I drive through it all the time. It's the greatest thing you ever do. And if I get a ticket tomorrow for $10,000, it is worth it for me. I did it on the way to Loveline. I do it on the way home. I do it on the way home from this podcast. I do it every day. I turn right when I'm not supposed to turn right at the bottom of my hill and I turn left when

[D]

I come home with the caveat that you're a really good driver.

[A]

Yes, I am.

[D]

Because I don't know, I mean, do you really want to be telling a whole bunch of people to blow through reds. No matter what.

[A]

I want people to. All we have is your brain, your right foot as it pertains to your car, which is when it's safe you need to go. And when it's not safe, don't be an idiot. But if you can't figure that out when you're pulling into your garage, how do you know when to stop? When you're halfway in the living room? I trust people to stop when it's time to stop and to go when it's time to go. So there are many signals. Like there's one right in front of the Hollywood bowl that gets onto the Hollywood freeway.

[D]

I'm going tonight, maybe.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I'll wrap this up. It's right in front of the Hollywood freeway. That is forever. And it's a one way street. Everyone gets onto the Hollywood Freeway. It only comes from one direction. And sometimes people are all piled up at the light a mile down the street and you're just sitting there. Drive through it. It's one way. There's nobody coming the other direction. And you can see everyone to your right piled up at the light. What's the difference? It's what God would want. Please. People start doing it and then start fighting the tickets and clog the system. E voice. That's a system you can't clog.

[E]

But God would want.

[A]

That's right. Norm Ray over here telling you Evoice. It's awesome for business, especially if you're on the move. Hell, man, you don't need a brick and mortar place anymore. You just need some Evoice, man. You download the Evoice app to your smartphone and pow. You manage your business on the go

[D]

and you manage your time. Never again do you have to call into your voicemail and hear someone just take too long to leave a message. You just get an email that says what they have to say. And then if you're in a meeting, if you're doing a podcast, what have you, you can read it right there.

[B]

I just got a voicemail by email right now, just during this podcast.

[F]

Wow, really good.

[B]

I was my doctor. I'm dying again. But the point is, it was a

[A]

great see, you don't have to call

[D]

in to get the good news.

[A]

You can click the evoice [e-mail] or go to www.evoice.com adam and sign up for six months free. Six months for free. Evoice, your mobile phone at work. That is Evoice. All right, you gotta get to the bowl, baby.

[D]

I do. But I do have a little announcement, which is that there's a special bonus episode of my podcast. This episode with Bob Hick Rothwood is a two parter and that's available now. So go get the rest of it.

[A]

It sounds boring as hell, but she's got a crush.

[D]

It was discussed.

[A]

We're gonna be at the Lovitz Theater and that is coming up tomorrow, Saturday, July 21, 10pm Dove Davidoff, really funny comedian is gonna be on stage with us. I'm gonna be in Buffalo at the University of Buffalo center for the Performing Arts. That is Saturday, July 28th. Still tickets available to that and Carmel. I just went to the Laguna Seca website, the racetrack, they got a special package. Two days pass to the racetrack and then come watch me Friday night perform at the Sunset Theater, Friday, August 17th. So thank you so much for powering the pirate ship on Amazon. God bless you for listening. Tell a friend if you like the show. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Ray Oldhoffer from Ace on the House. That's his podcast, AceOnTheHouse.com His Twitters, Ray Oldhopper and Allison Rosen. Ball Brian saying mahalo. So keep your eyes. What would the ball say? O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, O'Reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with O'Reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks, time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online. So you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam. All right, that's Adam Krillin show 871 with Ray Oldhoffer. Coming up, we have a fantastic episode. Adam Carlisle, show 895. Dave Hill in studio along with Susie Essman. Leave as a phoner along With Alison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2012. Check it out. Hello and welcome to Plutofo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just dream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long.

[C]

Catch.

[E]

Anchorman.

[A]

The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Welcome to the real world. Mean Girls.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more. For Showtime's press.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

They're free 24.

[F]

7.

[A]

That is so effective on Pluto TV. Stream now pay.

[E]

Never.

[A]

Good day. Alison Rosen.

[D]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[A]

Anne Ball Bryant.

[C]

Uh.

[A]

Oh, I'm gonna be in Tampa. Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow. That's right. On Saturday, the 25th. With Dennis Prager. And also Orlando on Sunday. That's right. So come on out and say hi. Those are fun shows. He's really an interesting guy, and it's an honor to be up on stage with him.

[D]

You never say that about being on stage with us.

[A]

Dr. Drew. That's another guy Revere. He's such a great guy. Oh, Dr. Drew. Bonus episode's available this Sunday, and it's basically for you. Commercial free. Tell a friend. That's what we do. Dr. Drew comes in here, we get the band back together. And you tell a friend now. And I appreciate that. Somebody, Chris Maxpata, just informed me, I don't know why, but said, you ought to talk about Harper Valley pta. And I said, yeah, what was that? And then I thought, oh, yeah, there was a song called the Harper Valley pta. And it was back in the day when they used to write a song and then they would make a movie or a TV series about the song, like Billy Joe Jumping off the Tallahatchie Bridge? The songs were. Yeah, the songs were. I think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. The songs were. The songs were like 2 minutes and 21 seconds. But they'd go, we need to make a 2 and a half hour movie about this. And I don't know why. I think that movie starred Robbie Benson or something. I swear to God. There was a movie called Billy Joe Jumped off the Tallahassee Bridge. And there was a song, and they'd write a song like Convoy. The song Convoy spawned the movie Convoy. I'm pretty sure there was a Convoy song. And then someone went, we gotta make a movie about this. Which is weird, right?

[D]

It is. There's not a lot of plot laid out.

[B]

Do they ever make a movie out of the night the Lights Went out in Georgia? And if not, why not? Because that seems Like a movie.

[A]

It sounds right, it feels like a movie. And then maybe. Maybe I don't. That was Vicki Lawrence, by the way, from the Carol Burnett Show. Remember Vicki Lawrence in Mama's Family? Oh, who could forget about Mama's Family? That spun off from cool movie based on the country western novelty song Convoy by C.W.

[E]

mcCall.

[B]

The CB radio trucking craze was at the peak.

[A]

Ruby should be a. Yeah, Kenny Rogers is the king of that, Susie.

[B]

He himself is a cottage industry for those.

[A]

Susie Essman is on the phone. Then we'll get to Harper Valley. And I know you can't wait, kids, but we're gonna get to the Harper Valley piece. It's called delayed gratification. Get used to it.

[C]

Susie, are you talking about the Harper Valley pta?

[A]

Yes, I am. I think Barbara Eden starred in the series.

[C]

She did. Am I in a time warp?

[A]

Yes, you are. It's called My Memory, Susie. And by the way, it says Susan Estimon. But I know he is Susie Essman.

[C]

No one's ever called me Susan except my mother when she was mad at me.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know why we're not going with Susie here, but live. Stand up. By the way, Bel Air Music Festival that's coming up Saturday, August 25th at Caroline's in New York City. Always a great place to do Stand up, Susie. Last time I saw you, I think I was doing your roundtable wrap up show from Curb youb Enthusiasm.

[C]

Oh, that was fantastic. You were so fantastic, Adam. You brought such witted intelligence to the panel.

[A]

Well, I'm such a fan of the show. And speaking of Curb, when are you guys coming back?

[C]

I don't know. Larry's shooting a feature right now and then he'll decide it's up to him. You know, it's Larry's world. We're only living in it.

[A]

It's weird. He's like the lead singer to a band. He's got a little. He's got a little Van Halen. He's got a little Eddie Van Halen in him, which is like.

[C]

He's so funny.

[A]

They're the same guy.

[C]

He is so the opposite of Eddie Van Halen.

[A]

I think they're the same dude.

[C]

He doesn't even know who Eddie Van Halen is.

[A]

He probably thinks he's like a Nazi war criminal.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Escaped to Brazil. But I just mean, like, all right, you know those bands where they're just. Everyone in the band is just waiting for the lead singer. Like, okay, Guns N Roses. Yes. Like, we're waiting for Bruce. But at least Bruce does it. But like, Guns N Roses, like, everyone's like, axl, please, come on. We. We can make so much money. Come on, let's do this.

[C]

That's what we're like. We're just the Larry David dancers. We're just the backup.

[A]

Well, everyone has their own thing going on, but for the audience as well. Like, we just. Everyone loves that show. And it just feels like. Like, when. When did you guys stop your last season? What was the date that you guys filmed last?

[C]

Oh, gee, it was. It was, like, probably December 2010.

[A]

Right. So we're.

[C]

You know. Because we aired last summer.

[A]

Right?

[C]

That would make. Yeah, we aired last summer. It's just, you know, it's all a blur. It's just all a blur.

[A]

You know the thing. You know what I realized with Larry David? And I've just figured it out. I just figured it out.

[C]

Tell me.

[A]

People don't like aging on TV. You see yourself from 10 years ago, and you go, man, I used to look good. And, you know, whatever. He is skinny as a rail, and he's bald, and he never has.

[C]

He looks like he's looked the same for the past 20 years.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. It's not like. I feel like if he was losing that big head of hair he had and starting to put on a little

[C]

weight, he'd rush to get the show.

[A]

Right. If he was Bill Shatner, he'd be like, we gotta knock out these episodes. And by the way, we're going back to back on season 8, 9, and 10 because my hair's falling out.

[D]

Put him in the can.

[C]

Yeah. No. You know what? You are so onto something here.

[A]

Yeah. Between.

[C]

I never thought of that.

[A]

Between the glasses, the bald head, the manorexia. There's no reason he can just take 10 years off. What's he gonna do? He's gonna be a skinny bald guy with glasses.

[C]

That's true. That's true.

[A]

Someone's got to get him some hair and some weight. Susie Esmond.

[C]

You know, when I first met Larry years ago at Catch a rising star, like, 1985, he had, like, the bozo fringe.

[A]

Mm, right? The crazy, like. Like, back when you kind of had to have long hair even if you didn't have hair, so. Even if it grew out of one ear, it had to. You had to make into a ponytail, Right?

[C]

Well, he didn't do the ponytail. It was never that. But it was like the bozo fruit fringe.

[A]

Right. It's so weird. Like, it's like, you Must have long hair. But you go, but I don't have hair. Well, there's some around. There's some around there. The base. Right.

[C]

I have to tell you, my husband, who has a shaved head before I. He had a shaved head when I met him. And he's very hot and sexy, but before I met him, he had the fringe ponytail. I never would have gone out with him. I never would have gone out. It would have been over. Yeah, the minute I looked at that, it would have been over.

[A]

Well, it's like. It's always that thing.

[C]

You're laughing because he knows it's true.

[A]

What does your husband do?

[C]

He's in commercial real estate. You know what, Adam, He's a guy. He, like, build stuff and he, like. He finished our basement. And, you know, I like that.

[A]

I like that dude. Does he know. Does he know tools?

[C]

He knows tools.

[A]

Put him on the phone.

[C]

He's on John Deere lawnmower.

[A]

He's incredible. Wow. That's what he calls his girlfriend. Put him on the phone.

[C]

You want him on the phone?

[A]

I want him on the phone. I want to quiz him for a second.

[C]

Wait. Adam wants to talk to you? Jimmy. He wants to quiz you. He's had a few drinks. Hold on.

[A]

I've had drinks. How's she not. Adam, you've had a few drinks or I have? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Jimmy, do you know tools? I do know tools. Do you have a cordless drill? I have a cordless, yeah. You name the tool, I've had it or used it. Oscillating spindle, sander.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Not always on me.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Do you have, like. What do you got for a cordless drill? It's a Dewalt. Oh, okay. Not bad. Keyless. Chuck, how many volts are we talking about? I think it's a. I think it's a 12. 12.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

I guess you could get by with that in a pinch. You know, honestly, I never pay attention to the bullets. I just go with the big one. I like that.

[F]

All right.

[A]

And you do your own stuff. And Susie appreciates you being handy around the house. Right. She loves a man with a tool belt on. How long did you have? Not that I wear one anymore, but you know, how long? What years? Did you rock the bald guy ponytail? Look, for

[C]

what years?

[A]

Did I get rid of it? No, I want to know the years you had it. I had it. And I guess that would be 2003.

[B]

It was like jcvd.

[A]

When a man goes bald and you're in that. In between, you got fringe and you don't know what to do with. It's like you don't know what. What to do with it. Yeah, you try all options. That was an option that lasted for a little while, but not long. Did Susie tell you about my theory? I guess you didn't have a chance to yet. But I think if Larry David was getting fat and going bald, then he'd do more because he wouldn't want to see himself that way. It's a long story. All right, Jimmy, do you have any home. Do you have any home improvement questions for me? No, I'll pass on that, but Susie would like to have you back. All right. All right. Just kicking his tires. Thank you, buddy.

[B]

Take care.

[C]

It's good.

[A]

It's good people. How long you been.

[C]

How did you.

[A]

Ask him, Susie, how long you been married?

[C]

Four years.

[A]

Oh, four years. Oh, I like that. And is this it, people? That's super condescending. Is this it?

[C]

I'm 57 years old. I would hope so.

[A]

You're 57.

[C]

I know I look good.

[A]

Get the fuck out of here. There's no way you're 57.

[C]

I am 57, Adam, and I've had no work.

[A]

Do you sleep in one of those hyperbaric chambers that your husband built? Ungoddam believable.

[C]

It's just genetic. It's just genetic.

[A]

Yeah, you got good genes. Let's be honest.

[C]

All right, so here's my. Can I just give you my thought for the day that I had sitting here? I was just thinking. I was just watching the news about this Aiken. Why do I keep wanting to call him Claude Akin? So I kind of figured out that he thinks the uterus is like a skunk, that it just, like sprays out.

[A]

Yeah. Could ward off evil penises by just spraying.

[C]

It just sprays like a skunk.

[A]

Mm. Yeah.

[C]

Just when I'm sitting here randomly thinking about.

[A]

Yeah, I know, and it's so untrue. Cause it's really more of a badger. It's the way I look at the vagina.

[C]

Speaking of which, what did you say recently that was like, all anti female comedian?

[A]

I said, no women were funny, except for Susie Esmond.

[C]

Bullshit. You're so full of it.

[A]

No, I said somebody interviewed me and they said, who's funnier, men or women? And I said, men are funnier than women. And then it turned into women aren't funny because that turned. That's a better story. Yes, everyone keeps telling me that, except for I don't read So I don't know who he is. Is he the guy from Winnie the Pooh? No, no, different dude. Christopher Robin different dude, then yes. Okay. All right, I'm gonna go ahead and read that.

[C]

So you said men are funnier than women. And then it turned. All hell broke loose that women weren't funny.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I don't. I didn't believe that you didn't think women are funny. I know you think I'm funny, and I know you think other women are funny.

[A]

I love you. I love your work, and I certainly love it, especially on Curb youb enthusiasm. I think it's fucking fantastic.

[C]

You know what I think? You know what I think the answer to that is? Why you think men are funnier than women. I think men are allowed to be funnier than women.

[A]

No, no. We're just genetically funnier. We have to. It's how we get laid. You don't have to be funny. You just have to not look 57.

[C]

Well, that's funny. Men get laid, funny women. Not necessarily.

[A]

Yeah, that's the way it works.

[C]

So you think it's one of these in the DNA things?

[A]

Yeah, we have to dance. I mean, not literally, but we got to talk things. Yeah. Well, look. Well, first off, the choices on all these things, on who's more nurturing or who's better at math or who's funnier, is A, men are funnier, B, women are funnier or C, they're exactly the same. I think we can eliminate C. Right. I mean, for just about everything. We're not exactly saying this.

[C]

Absolutely. We're completely different.

[A]

Right. So why shouldn't you be better at certain things, like baking scones and we're better at saving lives.

[C]

You know, I accept your premise and I. I'm gonna think about it from an evolution, biological, evolutionary point of view.

[A]

Please.

[C]

But as long as you didn't say women aren't fun.

[A]

No, I never said that. And they took it and they ran with it. Susie Essman, everybody. Thank you, sweetie. P Bel Air Music Festival that is Saturday, August 25 Caroline's New York City I'll see you soon. I hope to be on your show when you come back.

[C]

That just got off the cockpit. I didn't hear that.

[A]

Your wrap up. Sorry. When you start doing your wrap up show again, I'd be honored to return on Curb. Yeah.

[C]

Talk to the big man. I have no power.

[A]

I shall. All right, Get Bruce Springsteen. Oh, Clarence Clemens. Oh, wait a minute. I like my theory about guys being thin, bald and having frames. Not having. There's no time.

[D]

There's no urgency.

[A]

No what? There's nothing. It's not. Losing is anything. You know, it's not Bill Shatner. All right, where the hell were we? Oh, I was gonna talk about Harper Valley pta.

[D]

Yes, you were.

[A]

So finally, you know how everything, and mostly little things, but especially unnecessary things bother me.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

I'd heard the Harper Valley PTA song a million times, so I got it on my iPhone. And it's just a funny novelty song. And it was done in the early 70s. And it's done about. It's supposed to be a true story. And it's about that she's singing it. It's the daughter. And the daughter went home. You can find me the date, find me the anything on this song, please. The daughter went home and she was in trouble at school because she was wearing like a miniskirt or something. Trouble, right. And her mom went in. 0,68. And her mom went in, and instead of like apologizing or saying, do my daughter wear a longer skirt? Or whatever it is, went in, socked it to the Harper Valley pta.

[D]

Elise Keaton did that on Family Ties. Really socked it, like with her fist or with words.

[A]

Elise Keaton punched someone more powerful with words. Who sings this song, please? Who had a teenage daughter who attended Harper Valley Junior. The household name Jeannie C. Riley.

[C]

And she said, mama, got a note

[A]

here from the Harper Valley PTA. And for some reason, like 10 years later, they decided to make a TV series out of it. Oh, I guess they're talking about her. It's reported you've been drinking and. Or running round with men and going wild. That genius, Sherwood Schwartz did the.

[D]

Did the show.

[A]

That fountain of creativity. I can't believe he's using a 10 year old country song. He had so many original ideas, you know, like, like the Globetrotters playing robots on Gilligan's Island. That PTA was gonna meet that very afternoon. And they were sure surprised when Mrs. John wore her mini skirt into the room.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So she's gonna show them. And as she walked up to the blackboard, I can still recall the words she had to say. She said, I'd like to address this meeting off the Harper Valley pta. All right, now here's where I start to have a problem. Listen to the names. Well, there's Bobby Taylor sitting there, and seven times he's asked me for. For a date. So we got Taylor. And Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lot of eyes whenever he's away. Now we got the Taylor family. What does that mean? She plays rugby and she gets beaten up pretty good. And shouldn't would a Jones be told to keep her when the shades are full completely down? So we got Jones, Taylor and Baker.

[D]

Now listen, Mr. Harper couldn't be your Valley.

[A]

Hold on now. You gotta stop it. Mr. Harper. Yeah. You're socking into the Harper Valley PTA. Are you plumb out of names? Are you out of fake names? It's not. They don't rhyme anything with Harper.

[D]

No. Taylor, Baker, Jones and Harper at the Harper Valley pta.

[A]

What do they do? Sit around and write this song and go, I'm just out of last names.

[B]

I'm thinking she got it wrong in the singing and refused another take because she probably had Harper on the brain and just said Harper.

[D]

Yeah. No one would write that it was originally Schlossberg.

[A]

Mrs. Fagenbaum. But seriously, okay, you have a song that takes place in Harper Valley. Harper is a last name, a fairly popular last name, but there's also several thousand other fairly popular last names from which to choose from, and you can't pull one more out of your ass. You get Taylor and Baker and Jones bar again. If you smell Shirley Thompson's breath, you'll find she's had a little nephew jam.

[D]

And where's Shirley Thompson when they come?

[A]

Well, this is just a little Peyton Place, and you're all Harper Valley hypocrites. All right? The point is, is there not a human being at that recording session? You can turn it down. There's not. At the recording session that goes. Perhaps we should just call Mr. Johnson or Jackson or something. What do we got here? Taylor, Baker, Jones, Thompson. But I feel like between the eight of us, we could come up with a fifth name.

[E]

We could do it.

[B]

I got one.

[D]

Taylor.

[A]

No, no, Taylor's on the list.

[D]

Jones.

[A]

No, no, Jones is on. We got to come up with a Baker.

[B]

How about.

[A]

No, that's okay. Hold on a second. Sheila, you're naming names that we already have. We have to come up with another name. But it doesn't have to rhyme with anything, so it's easy. We just.

[D]

Baker.

[A]

Well, what's your last name?

[D]

Baker.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

How about Valley?

[A]

Oh, no. God damn it.

[B]

That's not in the name already?

[A]

No. Fuck. What's your last name?

[B]

Wasn't given one.

[A]

Oh, shh. You're. And you're Baker?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Fuck. Hold on. Let's ask the engineer, Stu. What's your last name? Dude, Carl. Oh, you said last name. I said Stu. It's Stu.

[F]

Carl.

[A]

What's your last name? Hendershot. Stu, hold on. Get the other engineer on.

[E]

Carl.

[A]

Carl, get on here. Dude. What's your last name?

[D]

Thompson.

[A]

Fuck. God damn it. This has been a wonderful reenactment,

[C]

Josh.

[A]

You didn't know where I was heading there, huh? Now I'm not really good at improv. No shit. Toss your ass right out of the fucking ground.

[D]

Goodbye, Hendershot. Good bless you, Carl Hendershot.

[A]

I just thought it was just a name. That wouldn't work in the song. No. Hendershot. Hear where we're going.

[B]

Hendership show wasn't bad.

[A]

It wasn't that bad. My point is, they couldn't come up with a fifth name. They had to go with Harper. Jesus Christ.

[D]

And if they're gonna go with Harper, then make the song something other. Valley. Harper in the song.

[A]

That's a good point. That's a good point. Sheila, what valley did you grow up in?

[D]

Baker. No, Jones Jones or Baker Thompson Valley. It's one of those. It's one of the common names in this town.

[A]

I think it has to be Harper for some reason. But anyway, it bothered me. Bothered the shit out of me. And I'm still bothered. And now I want answers. I want answers. So, Brian, you would say that it was not written as Harper.

[B]

That's my guess.

[A]

She was just doing it. And if it was written. If it was written, somebody would have seen it. Went, no, it's the same name. Like, does he own the Valley?

[B]

My wacky theory is that she's in the moment. She's a singer. She's got Harper Valley PTA on the brain. She said Mr. Harper and supposed to say Mr. Johnson. And they tried to get her to do her take and she refused.

[A]

I don't know. All right. All right.

[D]

Johnson would have been a good name. I like Brian's idea. I don't think that's what happened. That seems too far fetched. I think that they're just a bunch

[A]

of tars or Harper Valley hypocrites.

[D]

They're just a little paint place.

[B]

Where does Kelly's Bar just use that name?

[A]

It is very possible that Mr. Harper was like just the rich guy in town. And the school is named after the Valley. The school. Everything's named after him. Could be related, though.

[D]

He hangs out at Kelly's Bar.

[A]

But that's. I may be the point she's trying to make. Even the guy who this school's named after spent too long at the bar. So he can't be here today. All right? Could very well Be all right. Thanks for the two shits on my point. It's just one, Duke. All right, where the hell were we? Comedian Dave Hill is here.

[F]

He's.

[D]

Dave Hill's in a band which is named Valley Lodge. Actually, I hope that I got the name right, so maybe he'll have some insight into this. Yes, Valley Lodge.

[A]

Mm. Hill would have been an easy name. Yes, that's easy. Just one syllable. Very popular. There you go. All right, where the hell were we, Little love Evoice. You want to be a pro, don't you? Well, you don't want to be a pro, but you want people to think you're a pro. That's where Evoice comes in. It makes you sound more professional.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

You got a little Holden music for your clients, maybe a little Harper Valley PTA for the clients, huh?

[E]

How about that?

[A]

Let them know you've arrived. Also, they can do promos for your product. Again, they can hear about all the great things you got going while they're on hold. Plus toll free numbers, local numbers, call forwarding, call recording, multiple extensions, voicemails to text. This is what we like. And free six month trial. Want to try it out? Free www.evoice.com Adam, drop my name. Try it out for free. Six months, almost half a year for, oh, over half a year for free. Www.evoice.com Adam, go and click on the eVoice banner at www.adamcarolla.com. and there you go. Pow.

[F]

Mm.

[A]

You want to do a little bit of news and then we'll bring Dave in. Evoice, the mobile phone at work. By the way, I do love Dave.

[B]

You do love Dave?

[D]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

Well, you love Dave.

[D]

Let's bring them in.

[A]

Let's take a break. We'll bring Dave in. We'll do a little news with Dave. Be sure and check out some of the other shows on Corolla [e-mail]. Available now from Corolla Digital Basic Cable. Commentary Showgirls with special camera guest Hugh Hower. Well, thank you, Adam. I'm very excited to see a movie about some girls who put on a show. Listen in while Adam and Dana Gould as Huell hower watch the 1994 classic Showgirls. Yeah, you missed a very erotic scene there. What's happening in the movie now? Well, there's a black man and she's on his lap and she's gyrating and at the. They're k. They're kissing deeply. Oh, I've got The dry heat. Just download the track and play it along with your copy of the movie. Only 1.99 on iTunes or at the [e-mail]. Well, we back Dave Hill in studio. Let me give you a little love to go to meeting and then we'll kick Dave Hill's tires, talk about the book and so on and so forth. News, all that kind of stuff coming up. I recommend go to meeting with HD faces brought to you by Citrix. You can meet face to face. Baby, it's hot. People smell. You don't want to be in the same room with them. You really don't. You know what comes off people dander?

[D]

Spittle.

[A]

Spittle.

[B]

Who needs it?

[A]

They get animated. Next thing you know, you're covered with spittle. You don't want that. No. It just takes the webcam. You click and you collaborate in group HD video.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

You can even do it from an iPad. How about that? Just Download the free GoToMeeting app. That's right. It's a free app. Start hosting online meetings today. That's right. GoToMeeting. 45 days free. Try them for free. Good guys, love the GoToMeeting guys. Brought to you by Citrix. Again, always been there for us, been one of our earliest, most consistent sponsors. And you like what you hear, you support the sponsors. One of our best. GoToMeeting.com and you can try it for free. Hit the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam, go to meeting. Dave, good to see you.

[F]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

The book tasteful Nudes is available as we speak. Am I looking up here on Amazon? And hey, if you're going to Amazon, go through AdamCroll.com, buy Dave's book, and click on through the Amazon banner. Dave also has a podcast, Dave Hill's Podcasting Incident, that's available on itunes as well, and the website Dave Hill Online.

[C]

Let's talk.

[A]

Oh, you guys, you're a frequent contributor to American Life, which I love this American Life.

[F]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

What's not to like about that? You know what I mean?

[F]

It's a great program.

[A]

Yeah. It's simple, but it shows that I think we're wired. Like, no matter how much we crave things exploding and people getting stabbed in video games where you're taking people's heads off with swords.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Something just about the theater of the mind with the stories that are told is somehow better.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah. It's a journey. And then you end up at the end and you're like, oh, yeah, that was pretty cool.

[A]

Ira Glass, by the way, is coming in this Wednesday, by the way, and he's not Warren Sapp. Right. That's a different dude. Because we have Warren Sapp coming up. But I don't know if that was a typo or something. That's a different guy. Not the same guy.

[F]

That sounds different.

[A]

How many Pro bowl years did Ira have over Tampa Bay? Or is that a different. We're talking about a different dude, different guy.

[F]

That was a rebuilding year for.

[A]

Yeah, it is totally weird.

[F]

He's coming in next week.

[A]

Yeah, Sapp's coming in. I mean, Glass is coming in. Irish Sapp's coming in next week. Yeah. He's out of control. I was on stage with that guy at Caroline's, and it's the only time I've actually been frightened on stage.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I mean, he's fucking out of hand.

[F]

He's a loose cannon.

[D]

Why can't he keep his pants on?

[A]

Literally, because he's drunk and he's hung like a black rhino and he's got

[F]

a dingle dingle you could skip rope with. I admit, he'll be the first one to tell you.

[A]

No, no, not just. I'm talking double Dutch. Not just your basic. Not last night, but the night before. I mean, pure, young, black child. Double Dutch.

[D]

Cradle with it.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll tell you, he introduced me to his wife. And there's a moment when we were backstage at Caroline's and he just went in the bathroom, just started to shoot, destroying it. I mean, literally, I could hear porcelain being broken. I mean, just took a fuck. It's like he had a sledgehammer. I mean, as a sledge.

[D]

I think he did.

[A]

He has a sledgehammer for a right hand. And he just started tearing the place up like a rock band.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And I just turned to her and I said, I'm so sorry.

[F]

Yeah. I mean, I think she's living a nightmare. I mean, all you can do is try to stay on his good side.

[A]

Yeah. And the night she comes home drunk, you just pull those covers over your head.

[D]

That's it.

[A]

You watch. Sleep in the bathtub, lock yourself in the bathroom. Fucking guys. Out of control.

[F]

That's. I mean. Yeah, those public radio. Garrison Keeler.

[A]

Yeah. Oh. Oh, Terry. Gross. She needs to be 5150. I mean, she fucking institute. She's not. She's out of control.

[F]

Speedballs.

[A]

She comes in here, I get. I get a fucking Taser and some pepper spray. Has she been here that she's Not. No, she's not welcome here. She's not welcome here. I've heard enough. I've heard enough stories. She gets transported like Hannibal Lecter. We speak to her through Lexan. You know what I mean?

[D]

And even then you don't feel safe.

[A]

Tasteful nudes. Let's talk about the book for a second.

[F]

Oh, excellent.

[A]

And other misguided attempts at personal growth and validation. Yeah, tell us. Funny essays. Let's talk about one of them.

[F]

Well, there's so many. I mean, probably my favorite one is, well, I don't know, the one going back to this American Life thing. There's a story that was on that show that was adapted for the book where I worked. Well, you talked about my band. I'm tying it all together. Basically, you were talking about.

[D]

I can't wait for that to happen.

[F]

This is gonna be great. We'll cut all this part out. But my band, Valley Lodge, I worked at this homeless shelter which was called Valley Lodge. That's where I got the band name. I didn't know Tying it all together. Anyway, so I was 22 and I was hired as program aid. My brother got me a job at this place and I was like, I would do bed checks, drug checks, like urine samples, breathalyzer, all this stuff. I rubbed lotion on guys, scabies, sores,

[A]

Just the full range, but anything to come.

[F]

It was an all you can eat environment. I'm totally made up for it. Sandwiches and stuff. Anyway, I was like rising up the ranks really quickly and they promoted me to supervise. So basically the boss, I was in charge. I got the huge.

[A]

And what kind of facility was this

[F]

homeless shelter for people over 55 in.

[A]

Oh, really?

[F]

Yeah, like up by Columbia.

[A]

God, that's like one of these things where you go, I work.

[F]

Dream come true.

[A]

I work at a homeless shelter. And someone goes, oh dear God. And you go, no, it gets worse. Senior homeless center.

[F]

Well, everyone, when I did it, everyone's like, oh, wow, that's so Cuz I just finished school and everyone's like, oh, that's so cool that you're like, right. But I was just, I was like, seriously, I was starving and I thought, I get access to a kitchen, sure. I don't have to like wear Dockers to work or whatever. I'm temp or whatever. Seemed like a good, good gig. And I got promoted and charged and everything as overnight shift. And the cook comes in and he's like, Dave, can I, can I borrow the keys? I'm gonna get some meat out of the freezer I figured he's defrosting, so like, 200 people that live there give him the keys. 20 minutes later, he comes back, gives me the keys back, and I go into work the next day, and they're like, oh, did you find out what. What happened with the cook last night? I'm like, no. He stole 300 pounds of meat.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

What?

[F]

That's weird. How'd that happen? And so basically, you know, I was like, well, why did he. Why would anyone steal 300 pounds of meat? And they're like, to sell it. I'm like, who? Where's he gonna sell it? On the street? And I'm like, what does meat. I didn't even know it had street value.

[A]

Hold on. I hate to say this, but Jewish guy.

[F]

No, that's what was so weird about it.

[A]

Last time I saw 300 pounds of meat, I was staring at Ira glasses, Choed Mak girthy. Yeah. Yeah.

[F]

Well, he's got the ira, you know, I mean, soft. It's like the tuna can.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

You know what I mean?

[A]

When a guitar. Yeah, yeah. So he stole the meat.

[F]

He stole the meat. And I'm like, why? What are you talking about? They're like, he sold it on the street, like. And I'm like, why would he sell it? They're like, for crack. They're looking at me like I'm an idiot. I'm like, what are you talking? Crack? Like, why? They're like, he's a crackhead. And I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, yeah, of course he's a crack. Everyone who works here, right, is a crackhead. Like, why do you think, you know, everyone just stops showing up for work one day. Like, we find people in the basement smoking crack. And, like. So it turned out I was the only one in the whole, like, on my, like, shift that wasn't a recovering crack crackhead. So that's why I got promoted.

[A]

What's what?

[F]

I was rising.

[A]

It was really everyone else getting demoted. Yeah. Their drug abuse. You just held still while everyone else sunk.

[F]

Yeah. My selling point was that there was little danger of me smoking crack.

[A]

Right. And so when it comes to the homeless, what do we need to know? Because my sort of view from the cheap seats is you always hear these stories where they go, hey, man, he was employed over there at GM for 27 years. And then all of a sudden, the layoff started. And next thing you know, he's living in his car. And it's like, like, really? You don't have friends I feel like I could crash on almost anyone's sofa for a month. But everyone's just a junkie, right? Or crazy.

[F]

Yeah, those are probably the two big ones if you want to.

[A]

Junkie and crazy.

[F]

Junkie, crazy. Those are the big ones. And then occasionally you get someone like, huh, that's weird. I would have thought this guy could

[D]

get in the situation where it is the. That's weird. Is that person. Would you imagine that person's only homeless

[E]

for a little while?

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

I mean, they. They usually try to get him back in, you know, back in action.

[A]

I feel like once you're gainfully employed for a certain amount of years and just sort of living in society that you've made connections enough, like whether it's friends or family.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I always wonder when I see someone who's homeless. I always wonder what happened.

[A]

What it is, is because it's 99% drugs and insane, but we take the 1% and we make the story out of him. And then he was laid off and now he's forced to beg with his family out of his car. And that does happen. But the guy who's taking a piss on the cat over there and screaming and wearing the Napoleon hat, that's not that guy.

[F]

But you gotta admire his joie de vivre.

[A]

That's true.

[F]

That's great. No, no, I think you're right, though. I think usually there's a few things going on, but I always think I'm always like, yeah, I feel like things could go south and I could be homeless. I don't even have a car. But the one thing that keeps me going is what you were saying. I have enough friends who are doing well no matter what happens. Unless I just start being an asshole to everyone. I have total open bar and nice buffets in my future at least a few times a year. No matter what happens, my friends are bartenders in servers. Yeah, well, like, no. Like, people have Christmas parties. Yeah. Barbecue, maybe. As long as I keep, like, one outfit.

[A]

Don't you feel like you could crash on people's, you know, in their spare room or, you know, after the kids moved out or something?

[D]

Like, don't you normally crash with Moby?

[F]

I am crash. Yeah.

[A]

Are you crashing with Moby?

[F]

I'm crashing with him next week.

[A]

You am asking.

[F]

Not right now.

[A]

I know where Moby lives.

[F]

He lives right by here.

[A]

Yeah, well, he lives up the hill. Yeah, he lives in a beautiful house.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

It overlooks the lake and everything.

[C]

Right.

[A]

It's a castle. Yeah, it's called Wolf's lair. Really beautiful.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

I love when houses have names.

[A]

They have a name. Yeah.

[F]

People think it's a restaurant. I guess, like, they go, like, if he has a party, people start feeling like, oh, we should check out this place.

[A]

Yeah, it's an incredible, incredible place. I've been in there. I've looked around that place before.

[F]

He actually, you must know the story. Do you know when some. Some kid was on, like, acid or something?

[A]

Yeah. And just slept in his house and. And I think Moby, like, went and bought him breakfast or something. You hear that, LL Cool J?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't just punch strange people that come into your home. Sometimes you make them bacon.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What did Moby or LL do?

[F]

He punched somebody.

[A]

Well, I think the story was some homeless guy, like, broke into his house and he broke his jaw and his nose, I think.

[F]

Oh, wow.

[A]

It'd be funny, though, if you just saw LL Cool J and you saw Moby and he said, here's the story. They're both stories about strangers breaking into their homes at night. One guy broke the guy's orbital socket, and the other guy took him out to Dupars for breakfast. Now, which one. He'd be all. That'd be a head scratcher. Right? He'd be like, damn. I don't.

[E]

Mm.

[C]

Mm.

[A]

Because I could see. I could see Moby, really, just fucking unleashing on a guy.

[F]

Well, he's. It's all or nothing with him.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

He crossed the line.

[A]

There's no dimmer switch.

[F]

No, no.

[A]

It's a toggle. And once it's flicked on, he's like IRA Glass.

[F]

Yeah. Forget it. Forget it.

[A]

So. Wow.

[D]

You get.

[A]

Wow, that's cool. I feel like that makes you cool.

[D]

Does Mommy play in a band with you?

[F]

We have a band together.

[A]

Oh, wait a minute. Wait.

[F]

He's not in Valley Lodge.

[A]

He's not in Valley Lodge. Okay. Barbara Eden's in that.

[F]

That's Barbara Eden, Gene Shallet, Felicia Rashad.

[A]

Oh, I love those. I love those names.

[F]

George Stephanopoulos.

[A]

Oh, man.

[F]

Stephanopoulos.

[A]

And so you and Moby must be cool being Moby, because you just get to be like. I feel like no one really knows what you do, but you just get to be cool.

[F]

It seems, as best I can tell, and I get a pretty decent glimpse into it. It seems good to be Moby. It seems like a really great.

[A]

It's a good deal, right?

[F]

Yeah. I mean, he'll just. He'll just email like. Like photos. Like, hey, check out. Like, this is the View from, like, I'm flying to Argentina.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Like, DJing. And then he'll take a picture of, like, a bunch of shirtless people on drugs. Like, 20,000, 40,000 people. And, like, meanwhile, I'm like, in my studio apartment.

[A]

Yeah, but pretty soon you're gonna be in Moby's castle, which would be great.

[F]

Yeah, I'll just be, mm, jizzing everywhere.

[A]

Yeah, me too. I mean, yeah, yeah, they. They did a nice mark in my territory. They did a nice renovation on that place.

[F]

It was a real fixer upper.

[A]

Yeah, it was the shithole.

[F]

Did you see it? You saw it before he moved in, or.

[A]

I did.

[F]

When he lived there.

[A]

I did. My thing is, I tell my realtor, take me to every house that Moby may potentially live in.

[E]

Smart.

[A]

That's it. I don't care where we are. That's my deal. I want to see it before he buys it. She knows his score.

[F]

Yeah, I think that's a good.

[A]

And it was. It's one of those things. It's one of those things that's only a modern time LA thing, but it's like there is such a thing as a $4.2 million fixer upper. When you're in Utah or Detroit, it's hard to explain to people about, you know, $4 million fixer uppers, but, yep, they do.

[F]

No, I mean, even just the grout work alone on that place was like 200 grand.

[A]

Yeah, I think at least 200 grand worth of sponge troweling.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Is that a special kind of grout or just the way it's applied, sanded? Okay, here's the thing you might not know about Dave Hill. He's not just your average comedian author who also plays in a band. He's super duper good at guitar.

[A]

Oh, really?

[F]

I'm pretty.

[A]

That sound like shit.

[C]

No.

[D]

Well, I mean, no, but like that.

[F]

But the good version, whatever the good version is.

[A]

Well, let's can find some of you, you know, going to town YouTube videos

[D]

of you, you know, shredding. Say a name of them or something, and then someone can probably pull it up.

[F]

Yeah, there's a few of them I could pull up.

[A]

Are you doing your own thing or hopefully covering Hocus Pocus by Focus that.

[F]

Well, we do, like, a lot of Atlanta rhythm sections.

[A]

Oh, no. I am so into you.

[F]

I don't know what. What I thought of that.

[A]

Well, listen, if you can think of Phylicia Rashad, you can think of anything.

[F]

When am I not thinking?

[A]

Decent point.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

So you did not get laid in high school, but then got a ton of pussy in college. Because there needs to be a point when you're not getting laid so you can learn to play the guitar really well and then a place where there's an avalanche of pussy later on once you learn.

[F]

I would say the avalanche was even after college.

[A]

So you're still. Still honing your craft and knowledge?

[F]

No, I feel. Oh, yeah. I mean, I think I was afraid to. I mean, by the time I was 20, I decided, this is going horribly. I will never even try to kiss a girl again. I'm gonna wait until she tries. And so it's actually worked out.

[D]

Had you struck out fantastically or something?

[F]

No. All it took is one girl that I had already kissed and then we were like, talking for a really long. I'm still friends with her.

[A]

I feel like you could have sex with Moby and not be gay. Like, that would just be evolved. You know what I mean? Like, people go.

[F]

Like, you'd go like, on the fence about this one.

[A]

Well, like, someone would say, like, hey, man, I was butt fucking this dude the other night. And people are like, what? It was Moby. They'd go, oh, okay.

[E]

How was it?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Was he spinning anything or. That sounds cool. Or what was that?

[F]

I don't know. Maybe gender. There was a time. Maybe that's more of a Moby question. But as I know him, I feel like that would be pretty gay and we'd be. This seems pretty gay.

[A]

What's. And by the way, what do you call him? Do you call him Gene or whatever his real name is?

[F]

Dante? He said. No, I just call him Moby.

[A]

Oh, you call him Moby?

[F]

I mean, that's what everyone calls him.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

He's been called that since kid.

[A]

We have some Dave Hill shredding on stage.

[F]

Was there something.

[A]

And talking and we found something for you.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

That's what it sounded like.

[A]

That's what it sounds like. Sure. I know what you're thinking.

[F]

Dave feels awesome at guitar.

[D]

Is there more shredding?

[F]

I think so. I know, but there's a bit of talk. I know.

[A]

You know what? I owe you an apology. That's what it sounded like.

[D]

He's insulting you, Dave.

[A]

It's a kind of a. That kind of. Yeah, yeah.

[F]

I can play slower, though.

[A]

It's not George Thorogood.

[F]

No, I can do that, though.

[A]

You can.

[F]

We can pull some. You want.

[E]

I.

[F]

You can hear my band if you want. That's which just pop music. But if you pull up, we can do that later.

[A]

You know what? Just play George Shergood. Actually, we can just catch it.

[E]

All right.

[B]

Here's a clip of Dave Hill. Oh, that's amazing.

[D]

See, it sounds just like me.

[F]

See, that would. You know that technically, it'd be very hard to do.

[A]

What's Moby play, other than the two turntables?

[F]

He's an awesome musician. I mean, he. Like. We have this band, Diamond Snake. We don't play a lot, but he's. To be in that band with him. You would think that. Oh, this guy only plays rock and metal and punk rock. Like, he's a great. He has, like, an encyclopedic knowledge of rocking out on the guitar.

[A]

Well, you gotta kiss his ass. You wanna stay in his cast.

[F]

I know. I mean, I'm not there in his house.

[A]

He'll toss you right in the moat you start talking to you. He's a prick.

[F]

He's a major prick. No, but. No, he's a great, great guitar player and rocks out. And a nice fellow, he seems.

[A]

Well, anyone who takes a guy who breaks into his house and buys him breakfast can't be all bad.

[F]

And he gave him a sweatshirt.

[A]

I feel like that's swag. I got freebies. I got a lot of sweatshirts.

[D]

And he gave him some stickers.

[F]

Yeah, so it was like a Newport Lights sweatshirt.

[A]

Yeah, and a beer koozie that said cal jam 81 on it. All right. Allison Rose, you want to do some news? And, Dave, you want to hang out and crack wise? Sure, let's do it. The News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[F]

It's Allison.

[A]

Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt.

[F]

It's Allison.

[A]

Allison,

[F]

I love this.

[A]

You're fucking better than Moby and have less air.

[D]

I think I like that movie.

[A]

Gotcha again, Moby.

[D]

Something in my butt. So, speaking of music, Twisted Sister frontman speaking of music. Come on.

[B]

Not your goddamn monkey outfit.

[D]

Okay, fine. Dee Snider has asked Paul Ryan to stop playing. We are not going to take it. And then Ryan's spokesman wrote an email which said, we're not going to play it anymore. Touche.

[A]

Touche.

[D]

But anyway, you know, this is one of a long list of songs where this has happened, where the artist has felt that, you know, their politics didn't align with the person who was using their song.

[A]

Sometimes I believe them and sometimes I think it's just a chance to grab a news headline. And us to talk about it. And the weirdest one of all time for me is the fact that Rush Limbaugh comes in and out of every commercial break with a Pretender song. Really Going to Ohio, or one of my least favorite Pretender songs. And I have a lot of Pretender songs that I love, and I love the first two albums and all that kind of stuff, but I can't stand this particular song. But Rush Limbaugh plays. This is his song, his intro. And nobody's farther to the right and less rock and roll and further away from the Pretender's politics, I'm sure. And I was talking to Chrissy Hines about it, and she was like, yeah, I don't know. What are you gonna do? And I thought, I wish more. Like, I like when people. Like when you go, is it Charlie or Charles? And I go, whatever. Whatever you like, fine. I like that. And all it can do is really sell records for them. I don't know if it's an endorsement of. Oh, it's called My City Was Gone, but it's going back to Ohio. Yeah, yeah. We'll find it for a second. Yeah. Yeah. But leave it to Rush to. To pick the shittiest Pretender song there is because there's so many fucking. Would you have picked, like, Precious or

[F]

Kid?

[A]

Kid Love. Kid. It's no. I'm no Allison with the Fake Chris, but Kid. Kids from. I Might take. That's good. I think Mystery Achievement probably, too, is a really good song.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Give me Kid, Give me Mystery Achievement. Give me Precious and Give Me My Town or whatever it is. All right, we'll figure it out. We'll keep going. So Dee's a nice guy. Dee's funny because he wears a dress and his hair's all crazy and does all that shit. But he's the most normal dude on the planet. He's been married to the same woman for, like. Like, 29 years. He's just a regular dude. He raises kids and all that kind of stuff. And I'm assuming he's doing it so we can talk about it. But I don't know, because to me, on the EIB network, that's him. Right? This is the song.

[F]

But she must make decent cash off that. Just the residual.

[A]

I don't think you get residuals from this.

[F]

Hey, like, wouldn't you get, like, BMI or ask Money?

[A]

Maybe there's something there. Yeah, you're probably right. I.

[F]

Then she can use that money for good.

[A]

Yeah, that's good.

[F]

Or something.

[A]

Oh, he doesn't use the lyrics, so it doesn't count. Or does that mean something? It doesn't make a difference, does it?

[B]

There's probably nothing to it other than this is just a good thing to come back to the instrumental part.

[A]

No, I know he's not a Pretenders fan. His producer. His producer picked it out, and I'm sure he was like, I don't know, the protractors. And he's like, no, the prot.

[E]

Fuck it.

[A]

Just keep going, right? And he just went. He got used to it. That's how it is. But she didn't seem to give a shit. And like I said, if anything, it's kind of this thing where it's like. When I used to be. When I used to do. When I used to be on KROC radio, I'd go on other people's radio stations because I was doing other TV shows and stuff like that, and they'd invite me onto their show, and I'd go on to, like, klsx, and I'd do Tim Conway's show, and then I'd go, tim, I gotta go. I gotta go do Loveline. And then my program director from KROQ would get mad. He'd go, like, don't go on other people's radio stations. And I'd go, wait a minute, who's the joke off? Cause I'm on their radio station talking about your radio station, so you should want me to go on other people's radio stations. And there's a thing of, like, you should hope that everyone you disagree with plays your music. It sort of makes you right and it gets your music out there. All right? Oh, there's a case.

[D]

In 1997, EMI issued a cease and desist request that Limbaugh stop using the song, which he did. When Hind found out during a radio interview, she said her parents loved and listened to Rush and she did not mind its use. A usage payment was agreed upon, which she donates to PETA.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Well, there you go. You're right. Everyone's right.

[B]

Is the cease and desist request different than a cease and desist order? Hey, if you don't mind, would you cease and desist playing this song if you can? It would mean a lot to us.

[A]

I want to hear. Well, it's like, I want to hear Kid. Somebody find me kid now. I just love that. I love that. That riff. I love that riff. All right, sorry. We can keep going. Oh, quiet.

[F]

Do it.

[A]

Yeah, do it, Alyn. Oh, I'm. That's really good, though.

[F]

That's it's almost like a form of autism that you have. Like you can do. It just comes out.

[A]

No, it is autism. It's not a form.

[D]

Yeah. Thank you.

[F]

It's beautiful.

[D]

Thank you.

[F]

Yeah, I don't think it's a be. I mean, like, Zeppelin gave their song to Cadillac, but, you know, none of those guys would drive Cadillac. They have better cars.

[A]

Sold their song to Cadillac. 750K or something. Yeah. I just love this riff. Here it comes. It's coming again. Allison, Right here.

[F]

Now I'm getting to that point where I can't. If I close my eyes, I don't know which is the riff and which is.

[E]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

I know it's true. I'm looking at her mouth moving. I still don't know.

[F]

She's

[A]

fucking. Love the Pretenders. All right, let's do the news, but let's keep the Pretenders.

[D]

So a crazy thing happened in Delaware, which is that three preschool teachers were arrested for allegedly running a toddler fight club.

[A]

Really?

[D]

Yes. There was cell phone video which showed two toddlers fighting. And it's true. They weren't. You can hear one of them reminding the kids, no pinching.

[A]

Hold on. This is one of these things. Sorry, when you go, what? And then you see the pictures and you go. All right, I'm listening. I'm listening. They look like they could do this. They all just look like.

[D]

They look mean.

[A]

They look mean, yes. This is not an ethnic thing. Although that factors in. This is they look like criminals. They all look mean.

[F]

Tiana Harris looks like she was dragged into it by the.

[A]

She was a sweet one.

[D]

She's less hardened. Estefania and Lisa, bitches.

[F]

The look on her face is like, you know, this was just some fun that got out of control.

[A]

That's right. That's right.

[F]

All of a sudden, money started changing hands.

[D]

She's like, I remember when I was prom queen.

[B]

Look.

[D]

She looks like she might have been prom queen. She probably dyed her shoes to match dress.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Were they doing the fight? I guess.

[D]

Maybe. Well, they were chaperoning.

[F]

So was it the kids idea or was it.

[D]

No idea. Well, I mean, that hasn't come out, but I seriously doubt it was the kid's idea because they. They were reminding the kids, no pinching, only punching. And then.

[F]

That seems reasonable.

[D]

It does. But here's the part that rules. That hurts my heart. Evidently on the video, which this has not been released because it's evidence and they're waiting to sell it to the highest.

[A]

How old are these kids?

[D]

Toddlers So I don't know if it actually says there. Yeah, Two. They're three. They're three year olds. One of them runs to one of the adults for protection and you and the adult, like, turns the kid back, pushes them back in.

[A]

Yeah. Well.

[F]

Well, that's like your cut. She was like the cut man.

[A]

Yes, but rubbed a little end swell on there. Gave the kid a shot of formula and sent him back out.

[B]

Little Pedialyte.

[E]

Mm.

[F]

I don't understand. We don't know that the kids wanted to fight or these three women wanted them to fight.

[D]

The way it's being written about is the three women. Yeah.

[A]

Well, either way, I don't think.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Whether they coaxed them to fight or didn't prevent them from fighting.

[D]

No, they were. They were making this happen.

[A]

Yes, they were sanctioning it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a pretty straightforward thing and it's a real problem, which is if you are beaten on as a young person, then you think it's okay to be beaten on and to beat on others as well, whether they're beating on themselves or you're beating on them. It's a thing. When you're not hit and struck as a child, then being hit is very bizarre, very weird, and doesn't feel like the solution to anything. You're like, why are you hitting me? I borrowed your car and didn't ask for permission or I didn't finish my braca flower. But you hitting me is not really. Doesn't seem like a solution. And it doesn't.

[D]

So we have these things on our mouths that comes out of words to communicate.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Although I like the word o' er things a little more. And then later on in life, it doesn't serve you well as a problem solving device.

[F]

Like to have that in your toolbox.

[A]

Yeah. Because it's like if the job interview's not going well, you trying to choke the guy who's interviewing you is not going to help you get the gig. You know what I mean? Whereas using that thing, you know, your mouth thing, that can help. That can help resolve things as an

[F]

adult, now that I hear it this way, I'm against what these ladies did

[D]

right at the beginning. Were you on the fence or were you for it?

[F]

I guess I just needed to get more details. No, I'm against it. From the start, it sounded negative.

[A]

I'd like to hear some mystery achievement, by the way, for round. So, yes, there's much beating that goes on. It is. Certain cultures do it much more than other cultures. Those cultures, it's pretty easy to figure out which cultures do the most beating on each other. You just go to prison and then you see what the predominant culture is. And then you go, oh, that's the culture that beats on each other the most. Oh, you have.

[F]

Not to bring it back to my

[A]

book, but for rocking too hard. No.

[F]

Well, yeah, I mean, that's. I would. I'd be in jail for life for that. No, I did it in jail.

[A]

You get the chair in Texas.

[F]

I did a stand up show at Sing Sing.

[A]

Oh, really?

[F]

I did it twice, actually, but I wrote about the first time.

[A]

How'd that go?

[F]

It was one of the most. One of the funnest things I've ever done. It was like leading because it started off just. I was just out drunk. I mean, like a lot of people in infant prison. It started. I was drunk and I'm just talking about with friends. And I was like, oh, I should. You know, wouldn't it be funny if I did a show in prison? They're like, that's hilarious. You get killed. And we're just like laughing. And then so the next day I was like, oh, I should follow through on this. That'd be pretty funny. So I called Sing Sing. It's really hard to book yourself into a prison. And it took a lot of doing that.

[A]

The heavyset woman of color that picked up the phone, he huge Dave Hill fan.

[F]

Well, I just said that.

[A]

It's the Dave Hill.

[F]

It's Dave Hill from show business. What can we do for you, Dave?

[A]

And yeah, and yeah, I like to do stand up.

[F]

Yeah, just like I want to come up there and give your. Give your guys the show of a lifetime.

[D]

How did it really happen? Like, who answers the phone?

[F]

I actually called a cop buddy of mine. I was like, what are some of the phrases I should use so I don't sound like an idiot? And he was like, ask for the deputive programs and that way it'll make it sound like you know what you're talking about.

[A]

So I did that.

[F]

And they're like, okay. And that was kind of all I said. And I said I wanted to come up there. So we booked it out. I thought it would be like, they'd be like, how soon can you get here? But they have like a lot going on. They're super busy in prison, so six weeks in advance. And I was like, this is hilarious. I called my friends. I'm like, I did. I booked myself in a Sing Sing. And they're laughing. We're just like laughing and I put on my website, Sing Sing emailed me. They're like, we saw it on your website. You know, people can't just come to this show, right? I was like, street cred. No.

[A]

All right, fine.

[F]

And about a week before the show,

[A]

I was two shank minimum, by the way.

[F]

I was like, I was like, oh wait, this isn't funny at all. This is like a horrible prank I'm playing on myself. And I was going to try to get out of it and. And they emailed. They're like, hey, we're just checking to make sure you're coming.

[A]

And do, you know, do you tweak the act? Like, oh man, I was eating shit on a shingle the other day for them.

[F]

I did. Normally I wouldn't, right?

[A]

Normally when you play the joint, I

[F]

was, well, normally I'm like, oh, just do my thing and hope for the best. But with that I was a bit scared. So I was like, I kind of want this to go well. What can I expect? And they're like, well, so far 250 inmates have signed up. They're all maximum security violent felons. And they really like jokes about being in jail. And they're just like. Their favorite comedians are Cedric the Entertainer.

[A]

The Waynes brothers slide out the room spinning. Hold on a second. Hold on, please. Hold on. I heard Mort Saul. Did I not or did I not? Am I making Jackie Mason up or did I make that up? Cedric the Entertainer. Wow.

[F]

And I had sent because they were like, we want to make a poster to hang around the prison. So I intentionally sent them literally the gayest photo I had of myself. And just like that. Because that'll be hilarious.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

And so.

[F]

But then I was like, oh, that's not, that's not funny. Because now they know what I look like and they're historically irritable people.

[A]

Sure, they wouldn't be there, they weren't irritable.

[F]

But the flyer is great. Did you get. If you didn't get it, I'll give you the book. But there's a photo of the flyer in there and it looks like a shitty comedy flyer. It's like blurbs, like Time Out New York says, right? And then in the corner it's like, see like whatever, deputy, whatever. Must have one year clean disciplinary to attend.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

The one thing that made it like, oh, this is a different kind of show. But it was like comedy night and Sing Sing.

[A]

So how much time did you do? I did 12 to.

[F]

It was like an hour and a half.

[A]

Hour and a Half. While we're looking at it right now.

[F]

Oh, there it is. So you see down. It's cut off a bit, but it's on there.

[A]

And how many people showed up?

[F]

Like 300.

[A]

And did you find them to be a good audience?

[F]

They were a delight. I don't know what these guys had done before, but I. Well, first of all, to answer your earlier question, I did Prepare like a 20 minute set. I basically pretended I was like Bob Hope going to like, uso, but I was like Dave going to prison.

[A]

Right.

[F]

And it was basically, the whole set was like, basically whether or not about whether or not I'd be anyone's bitch.

[A]

Right.

[F]

In prison. They loved it because they were like, we would fuck the shit out of you.

[A]

Right? Sure.

[F]

But they were. They were. They were very nice. Yeah.

[A]

That's amazing. You're a better man than I. Then afterward, is there a meet and greet?

[F]

It was weird because there were like, there's guys that have really good behavior or whatever. So they were like the stagehands and stuff. And so I was hanging out with them a lot, like before the show. And there was a house band that opened up for the show, but those. I had like total like kind of high anxiety moment where I was talking about like eight guys and then someone's like, hey, Dave. And I turn around and then I come back and two of them have pens out. And I'm like, this is it. I'm getting shanked. Because the whole thing was. I was like, what's. If you're in for life? Like, why wouldn't you just shank me?

[A]

Get in for more life?

[F]

Break up today a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

And I thought, like, maybe. I was like, maybe they would do

[A]

something to just think how much cred you'd get in that prison. Like, I took out David Hill. Yeah.

[F]

Fucking took down Kid Cleveland.

[A]

You know, the guy you singing YouTube.

[F]

Oh, let me.

[A]

I did, you know, Moby.

[E]

Right.

[F]

That's how I opened the show, though. I brought my guitar.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Because I was like, you know, comedy is very subjective.

[A]

Sure. No, I would bring a guitar. Everywhere I went, I could play like that.

[F]

And I. Because I was like. One thing that can't be debated is I'm sweet at guitar and I don't

[A]

care who you are, like, you're gonna respond to this.

[F]

So I brought it, hooked up this amp through the whole pa and my friend Carl Reinhard is with me. He told me this after the show. He said a guard came over him. He's like, you know, I gotta warn you like, because the deal is they can't leave until the show's over. Like, they can't just be like, I'm gonna head back to the cell. It's like everyone leaves or not. So what they do is they end the show if they want to. If they don't like something, they'll unplug it. They end it. They basically scare the shit out of you.

[A]

So the guard. Oh, you mean the prisoners will scare

[F]

the shit out whoever's on stage. It's a play, whatever it is, they'll make it. So that person's like, alright, I'm out of here. So the guard was telling my friend Carl this. He's like, you know, they're really. These guys are mean. Like, that's why they're here, right? And he's like, he better come on like, really strong or like, it's gonna be really bad. And so Carl's like, okay, yeah, I'm

[A]

gonna be like Night at the Apollo. I mean, minus the black people of course, but I can't imagine. But like an all white, Asian and Jewish knight at the Apollo, like that kind of thing. Like, if you don't start playing, you know, telling them jokes. They're coming to Sandman's coming out. Yeah.

[F]

So I came out and the first thing I did is I played guitar solos. Like craziest, fast as I could, right? And they were really into it. My friend Carl afterwards said, the guard came over and he's like, he's got him. He's like, I know these guys and they respect him already. He's like, they like him. He's gonna be fine because I shredded.

[A]

Now, are you playing like Jimi Hendrix licks? Are you playing familiar licks?

[F]

Yeah, I played like, like a mix of, you know, like Zeppelin and then some Van Halen, some shredding.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[F]

Everyone responds to that.

[A]

You're playing Eruption. Everyone's going nuts.

[F]

Yeah, people love that.

[A]

All right, let me tell you guys, by the way, Alison still got some news.

[D]

I sure do.

[A]

Let me take a break and tell you quickly. Carbonite. Carbonite lets you back up your computer. You got to do it these days. You have to. It's one of those things. You need a cell phone, you need a computer. And what else? You need to back up your, your computer. They're going to take care of it automatically. Carbonite backs up your files automatically and continuously. By the way, if you're going to write a book like Dave or like myself, you've got to back up your files, baby. Dave, how Many words is your book, do you know?

[F]

Approximately, I think it's 77,000.

[A]

Roughly 77,000 words, which isn't that many.

[F]

I found out.

[A]

I think it's 250 pages or something like that. My book was maybe 100,000 or over 100,000, Michael. 118. Something, whatever. Something like that. And that's a lot of words to lose. You don't want to lose those words. And they're on a computer, so you get Carbonite. You want to use it. 59 bucks a year. PC or Mac, it doesn't matter. You can start your free trial [e-mail] use the offer code ACE to get the two free bonus months if you decide to buy. No credit card required. That's carbonite.com carbonite.com back it up, baby. You'll wish you did when you lose it. Offer code ace. All right, Allison Rosen, what do we got?

[D]

Jeffrey Dahmer's childhood home is for sale in Ohio. Oh, well, we bought was only $329,000.

[F]

Whoa, that seems a lot for where he's from.

[A]

Did he say Ohio?

[F]

I'm from Cleveland, so I know the

[A]

tenders wrote us on she's from Cleveland.

[D]

This is in Bath.

[A]

I mean, Akron. Yeah, I'm from North Hollywood. Like I give a fuck.

[D]

Well, look at the house. It's a nice looking house. It's in Bath Township. Are you familiar with that?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Mm.

[F]

I mean, I was aware it. Exactly.

[D]

Is it nice?

[F]

You don't know more than it was. Like, there'd be no reason to go there from where I lived.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

Which is not a judgment on Bath. It's just like, I didn't leave like four blocks.

[A]

You know that thing where you kind of go like, oh, man, you can still hear the voices echoing and all that kind of shit.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

My first house was from 1923. I mean, the house I grew up in, in the Valley was from like 1880 or something. Like the oldest house in the Valley. And then the first house I bought was like, from 23. And my house now from like 29. I never hear any old voices or old footsteps.

[D]

Because you're not open to it, Adam.

[A]

I smell new farts. That's it. Nothing old. Once you pull up the carpet, it's fucking all done. It's all done. There's no weird vibes or anything. Every once in a while, some ditzy broad would come over to my house from the 20s and be like, oh, yeah, there's a lot of energy here. Dumb energy. And Then when you leave, it'll be gone. And it just doesn't exist unless you want it to exist. But I come from that.

[D]

This is the site of his first murder, and he strew the remains of the guy he killed around the yard.

[A]

Really?

[D]

Yeah. See, I don't. Here's the thing. I actually don't believe in any of that stuff. And yet I find graveyards creepy. And I don't think I could live in this house.

[A]

Well, like I said, I come from a. To breed, which was, as I said, my grandmother's brother killed himself with a shotgun in a house in the San Fernando Valley that was probably about 900 square feet. And I was like, and then what? And she's like, then me and your grandfather moved in. And I'm like, where did he kill himself? I'll just. Well, in your grandfather's office. But we just, you know. And I said, that's kind of weird. And she was like, what do you mean? And I said, well, him killing himself, like in the house, and then you guys moving in. Why? Because he killed himself in the house. Well, what's weird, though. But he's dead. Yeah, but I said to her, you know, they have rules. You know, realtors have rules where if somebody kills themselves, if you die in your sleep or old age or whatever, I don't think they have to say anything. But if somebody kills themselves, I think it's like within six years, somebody decided. Seven. Whoa, way out of line.

[B]

Five.

[A]

Not nearly enough. Somebody size, like six years. You have to disclose it, you have to say. Because let's face it, there's a lot of young couples and a lot of. Especially chicks, you know, who, like, if you want anyone, someone killed themselves. And that's why the house is up for sale. They'd be freaked out and wouldn't want the house, you know, and if they found out later, they wouldn't be happy about it. And my grandmother was like, get the fuck out of here. My grandma's like, you're fucking nuts. And I said, I swear, it's a rule. And she's like, no way. Like, she didn't even. Couldn't even comprehend about it. She wasn't uptight about her brother blowing his head off. She wasn't even afraid.

[D]

Was she tired about her brother blowing his head off.

[A]

I think she was actually sort of happy about it. I don't think she was a big fan of the dude.

[B]

Plus the strewing of the body parts of someone you killed. Bad idea, because you're only increasing the area that someone could stumble upon it, an animal could find it, only increasing the chances that that could happen.

[D]

So you just put the body in a block of ice? Is that what you do, Brian?

[B]

Either dispose of the body by burning

[A]

evidence radius, including your evidence radius, you

[B]

know, limiting the chances that someone will find.

[A]

See if you can find that statue, that weird real estate thing.

[B]

And whether someone finds the whole body or a part of a body, they're gonna get you for murder at that point. So just put it all together.

[A]

Well, sometimes you might just find, like, a lung.

[D]

Let's say you've never been caught.

[A]

And someone goes, hey, looks like somebody took someone's lung out and threw it down here. Now we gotta find a guy who's wheezing so we can get to the bottom of this.

[D]

I heard a cough. I heard a cough.

[A]

Huh.

[D]

That sounded like a weak cough.

[A]

All right, I'll take the Dahmer house now.

[D]

Olympian Hope Solo has written a book called A Memoir of Hope, and in it, she claims.

[F]

That's pretty bad, actually.

[D]

Really? I think it is.

[F]

No, that's pretty bad.

[A]

By the way, if a death occurs on a property within three years, and the circumstances of death are material, like gruesome, offensive death, anything, that kind of thing, it must be disclosed. So within three years. Thought it used to be longer.

[F]

All right.

[A]

Mm hmm. What do you think? What if it's a rental sense. If it's a rental, it's actually surprising

[D]

to me that it has to be disclosed. I think because I'm of the mind that, well, it doesn't actually mean anything. I don't actually believe in bad energy and bad spirits and all that.

[C]

And yet.

[D]

But I would be really upset to find out because I am still creeped out by all of that.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So I like that there's that rule, but I'm surprised that it's there, because what's really the reason for it?

[A]

Mm. And also, how's that conversation gonna go? Like, if you found out, like, honey, a guy went nuts, took a hatchet to his twins and his wife and the dog. But that was three and a half months, three and a half years ago, so don't worry about it.

[F]

I think it would be almost like a nice thing. Cause you'd be like, you know, honey, we're gonna have a lot of bad days in here, but never gonna be as bad.

[A]

I would work at another angle. What are the chances that I'm gonna freak out and dismember you twice in a row? Two owners? I don't think so.

[D]

Like lightning.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

Get over here.

[A]

Yeah. Come here, sweetheart.

[D]

See, I'm apartment hunting right now, and so I'm looking at a lot of ads and listings, and I haven't seen one disclose any. Anything like that.

[A]

I don't. I don't feel like there's as much of that in apartments.

[D]

Oh, you think it's just homes?

[A]

I do.

[D]

I need to look at some estates.

[F]

Who is pretty sure she lives in the. She knows she lives in a building where there was a murder, and she thinks it's the apartment that she's in, and I was in there.

[D]

What makes her. And you think that she was really bad?

[F]

No, because it was. It's. It was all over the news that there was a murder, and she tried to get an answer, and they wouldn't say yes or no.

[D]

Is this a murder we're familiar with?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

It was the chick who wrote that

[D]

movie, the actress, Carrie Russell was in Waitress.

[A]

Waitress.

[F]

The one. It was like three. It was somehow in the last, like, five years.

[A]

Well, she wrote Waitress, and then a guy who was doing work on the building came into the unit and killed her.

[F]

Exactly. That apartment.

[A]

Weird that I could hear that.

[D]

How do you know that's so weird?

[A]

Because I'm fucking tuned in, that's why.

[D]

Yeah, you are.

[A]

And we talked about before the show. But also, I'm tuned in. Yeah, I'm tuned in.

[D]

That's really weird.

[A]

Yeah. Get onto stuff fast.

[F]

But she's like, you know, they won't give me a straight answer, but I'm

[A]

pretty sure this is the story. And by the way, I try to explain to everybody, like, when everyone is like, oh, must have been great when you were a carpenter working with those other carpenters. Like, they're not carpenters. They're unemployable people who have to work. Like, there's people who need to work for a living, which is most of us. But these guys can't work in a corporate setting because if somebody pulls them aside and says, hey, listen, Tim, your attitude's a little less. He'd go, suck my dick, you fucker. Fucking punch you in the fucking face, ass wipe. Fuck it. I'll hit you with this fucking coffee pot. You talk shit about me again. That's how these guys are.

[B]

Hey, Tim, that's just the attitude I'm talking about.

[A]

Fuck you, dude.

[B]

Human resources.

[F]

Those are the guys that are great with drywall.

[A]

Yeah, no, they're. They don't like woodworking. They cannot do anything else. They've been fired from every job they're fucking escape. Unemployable. Yeah. It's like landscaping. So when you go to one of those guys and you like, bang on the door and you're like, hey, listen, I'm gonna. You're. You're not supposed to be working this late on a Friday. And I'm gonna report you. They're not like, oh, man, I'm sorry. They're like, fuck you. And they'll fucking. They'll kill you. Like, I've said it many times. The guys I used to work construction with, if you got into it with them, they would take a swing at you. It wasn't like, okay, someone's going to get reported to home. Whatever. This is not working. None of that. No one got written up. People get attacked.

[F]

Yeah. And they have, like, nail guns now.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

It's not like the old days where you just get a hammer.

[A]

No. You'd go, let me go get my hammer. But, you know, the nail guns have safeties on them and they have to be depressed. They do the movies where they just squeeze them. That doesn't work. But I'll tell you what does work. What's fun on the job site is if you reach up, pull the thing back, then you can fire. Fire at will. And that works. That works.

[F]

Good to know.

[A]

Yeah. But they kind of fly out sideways. It's not. It's kind of fun. Fun framing. Guns are fun.

[D]

I'm not done being blown away by the fact that you just guessed that murder. Because all I said was, is it a murder that we would be familiar with? Which could be a.

[F]

We kind of did, like a name. That tune of murder. I was Dave.

[A]

Are you gonna lessen my achievement?

[F]

I thought it was incredible.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Because.

[D]

Because it.

[A]

There's no way that he knew for

[D]

sure it was New York even.

[F]

It was actually pretty amazing. You pinpoint.

[A]

He said he had a friend who had an apartment, and you guessed it. Basically, somebody was murdered in it.

[D]

And I said, is it a murder

[F]

that we would have heard of?

[D]

And you said, yes. And then he knew. That's crazy.

[F]

That was actually pretty incredible.

[D]

It was about his ability to do this.

[A]

I was already there before you even asked that question. In my mind. I was just trying to think of the movie Waitress and the whatever. But that's the story we're talking about. I guess you can find that story. I think she went upstairs to, like, tell somebody to knock it off or be quiet or it's a Saturday or to not. And the guy just fucking killed her. Like, that's how horrible construction is.

[F]

Yeah. And then he hung her in the shower to make it look like suicide.

[A]

Right.

[F]

And I've taken a piss in this bathroom.

[D]

Did it come back at you?

[F]

I was not into it. I mean, maybe it was in the apartment, but I could say not.

[A]

You weren't into that particular piss?

[F]

Not at all.

[A]

Because I feel like I'm in love with almost every piss I take.

[F]

Well, it was still, you know, it was still a pretty good piss, but as. Yeah, right. But I have a better one. This, I don't think, is a reputable murder. A friend of a friend. But this is still true. Murdered a guy in his own apartment. Still lives in the apartment.

[D]

Wait, A friend of a friend murdered a guy in an apartment? You have a friend who's a murderer?

[F]

I have a friend whose friend is a murderer. He got off and stayed in the apartment in which he killed somebody.

[D]

How'd he do it?

[F]

Apparently some guy he got in a fight with, like a friend of a friend or a friend's brother or something, and the guy started coming at him with a hammer or something, and he had a gun.

[A]

I was just thinking of Max Kellerman's brother while you're saying this.

[F]

I don't. What's the guy's name? Well, the murderer. You don't want to say?

[A]

No, no. This is a different story.

[F]

It's a different story.

[A]

This is a different story.

[C]

But.

[A]

But they both. The guy killed the guy with a hammer in this story, with this one,

[F]

the guy was chasing after him and it sounds to me like he wasn't actually trying to scare the shit out of him, but the guy had a gun and he got into his room, got the gun and killed the guy, like in the doorway of his bedroom. And that's. He still lives there. I would move, but the rent is supposed to be really good.

[A]

Here's the story, Allison. You see it up there?

[D]

Yes. The 40 year old Shelly was found dead at approximately 5:45 on November 4th 1st, 2006. Her husband found her hanging by a bed sheet from a shower rod in the bathtub of the Abingdon Square apartment in Manhattan's West Village that she used as an office. Press reports on November 6 stated that police had arrested construction worker Diego Pilco, a 19 year old Ecuadorian illegal immigrant who confessed to killing Shelley after she complained about the noise he was making in the apartment below hers. Pilko said he was, quote, having a bad day. Police said Pilco had made a taped confession implicating himself in the murder. If she could hear the noise coming from the apartment below. That was really loud.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Sad.

[F]

That's awful.

[A]

That's right. All right, let's beef up those borders, shall we, people? Can we just do that a little bit? Don't have any more. I feel like. I do feel like there's a lot of cultures where death ain't no big deal. And for us, it's a little bigger deal.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And if enough of those folks hang out here, ain't no big deal. Chick's mouthing off, I'll just kill her. You know, it's kind of. Let's put it this way, there's a lot of cultures where dogs ain't no big deal. Just kick them and keep them outside.

[D]

Not to be too existential or philosophical, but do you ever feel like, to us, death is a really big deal, but when you really think about it, in the infinite scheme of things, it's totally not a big deal for the universe. Oh, and now it does not matter. Like, one life. Big fucking.

[A]

Well, first off, if you're special like me and Dave, it's a big deal.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey,

[E]

all right.

[F]

We stand corrected.

[A]

No, I really do think that different cultures sort of put a premium on life. And when you're successful and you're writing movies and you're acting in movies and you're producing and you have an then, that's a big deal. And when you come from a place that's war torn and there's poverty and you see death, I mean, you grow up with death. It's a part of your. Your life again. It's this exact same thing with dogs. I have a Guatemalan nanny. I feed my dog with my fork. And then I put the fork right back into the peas. And she just looks at me like, what? That's a fucking dog. She's thinking, like, that's a. She tells me it's a dog. It shouldn't be sleeping on your bed. I'm like, I love Molly. And it's a different culture. Like, to them, a dog is a dog. And you take certain cultures. Life, not so much. And if a chick's gonna mouth off, she's asking for trouble. And there's a cultural thing. I'm just saying, think about beefing up those borders, people.

[D]

So anyway, Hope Solo wrote a memoir. In it, she claims that Max Chmerkovsky, her Dancing with the Stars partner.

[A]

Oh, that was her partner. Right. Oh, and by the way, Max Kellerman's brother was killed by a guy called the Harlem Hammer. With a hammer?

[F]

Did he have that nickname before he started.

[A]

I think he shouldn't. Right. But he did. He was a boxer. Oh, oh, oh, wow. And he went to Sing Sing or Rikers too because he punched a guy after fight in the face. And then he ended up killing Kellerman's brother with a hammer. And then Max Kellerman's a big boxing aficionado. And then when I invited him to the premiere of my boxing movie, the Hammer, he had to decline. And then I went, oh, uncomfortable. This is uncomfortable because your brother was recently killed by a guy whose nickname is the Hammer. With a hammer. And I'm inviting you to a movie called the Hammer. Yes, it was very weird and it would only been a year before or something at this point. And it was like a. His younger brother too, I think it's crazy story. Anyway, Max punched her.

[D]

She claims he slapped her.

[A]

Well, wait a minute. Was she eyeballing him?

[F]

I have a bigger problem with his sweater.

[A]

Yeah, me too. I don't like his sweater. He's kind of Paddington Bear again, cultural thing.

[E]

There you go.

[D]

I don't mind it that much.

[F]

The sweater.

[D]

Yeah, maybe I should.

[A]

I thought you meant the physical abuse.

[D]

Don't talk about the sweater.

[A]

Uh huh. He hit her.

[F]

I don't know who these people are.

[D]

They're famous people if you're into sports and Dancing with the Stars. Adam was on Dancing with the Stars.

[A]

Yes, I was.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, she says that he slapped her, but she waited, you know, almost a year to mention it because she just wrote about it in her book instead. And so people are saying, is there going to be a lawsuit, you know, a defamation lawsuit, But I don't think that's going to happen.

[F]

But was it in the context of like a tango or something? Slapping would infect in hand like one

[A]

of those French dances where they throw you around a little bit.

[D]

My understanding it was. It was not in the slap. The slap dance. Okay, yeah, no, it was like. That's what she's saying. It was like an actual. He slapped her.

[A]

Right.

[D]

But I don't know you. You do you know him?

[A]

Adam, you know, met him. I mean, he's, you know, again, it's a cultural thing. He's a little hot blooded. Probably told her the same thing five times and did it the sixth time. And that's the way it is. But look, I don't give a shit about my most. This kind of stuff for the most part because there's a thing where if you're a dude and you're an in shape dude and you're a strong dude and you're an athletic dude.

[F]

I'm relating to all this stuff.

[A]

I'm looking at you, Dave. That's what I'm saying. And your intent is to hurt somebody. Then you ball up your fist and you crush their orbital socket. I mean, it's pretty easy. Like the bones in your face aren't real strong. And if a guy who's athletic and strong punches you with a balled up fist, he's gonna break your nose or he's gonna knock a tooth out, or he's gonna break your nose and knock a tooth out, he's gonna fuck you up. So whatever he did, obviously he didn't do it with the intent to fuck anyone up. And I know we live in a society where everything is just everything. Like you assaulted a person or you didn't.

[F]

But.

[A]

But I think we've all been slapped or we've all been shoved or we've all been whatevered.

[F]

Not more than once though.

[A]

But not too many of us have

[F]

been, have been beaten.

[A]

You know what I mean? That's a little different situation.

[F]

I'm sorry, I'm interrupting.

[A]

Go ahead.

[F]

I never got punched until I was 18 and no one ever dared punch me because look at me. And when I finally got hit with a punch, I, I was, I was more. It didn't even hurt. It was more like, what is going on?

[A]

For me, it'd been years until a drunken IRA glass. The first thing he busted, a Cutty Shark bottle and he just yelled, bring it. Fucking held it up and yelled, bring it.

[F]

Right out of the gate.

[A]

And he lunged at me. And thankfully he just got stuck in a hollow core door and he couldn't pull it out. And that's when he took a swing at me.

[F]

But, you know, if you can get through that, you got a friend for life.

[D]

You do.

[A]

That's what I found.

[F]

But you know, I did for the Olympics, for BBC America. I went over to London, like trained with all these athletes and I sparred with this Olympic Irish boxer guy. I forget his name. I trained with him. And you're right, like he. We sparred and I was trying to beat the crap out of him and he was just laughing at me the whole time and would just extend his arm and just connect with me. Just like, like, just. And it was as if someone, a regular person just was trying to beat the crap out of me. Like I went down every time.

[A]

I don't. You performed a whirl on him. Oh, you know, it was for the shot. It was for the shot I got you.

[F]

Plus it was cable.

[A]

Yeah, BBC. Totally different set of standards over there. So. Listen, it's not good to hit people and in any way, shape or form. Thank you. But we do this thing where like everything is assault and everything is rape. Everything's everything. And there's a difference between someone attempting to hurt somebody and someone attempting to get someone's attention. And you should never hit anybody. But she's fine. I don't think he tried to hurt her. He probably gave her like a wake up or listen up or whatever he grew up with when he wasn't paying attention. And he is that kind of guy. And again, so it's like, I don't know, what do we do? What are we worried about here? I mean, is it that big a deal, everyone to get and who has been fucking slapped or pushed or whatever? I just feel. I feel like my friends did way more damage to me than anybody I've ever gotten to a street fight with. Much more.

[F]

Well, that's the thing, that's the lesson. I think you only fight your friends, strangers, you don't know what they're gonna do. I'd say if you get hit by your friend, you should be grateful because stranger, there's no reason they should hold off on just. Just kicking the shit out of you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I've had it happen a

[F]

few times, but like strangers. Yeah, that sucks, right? That's what happened to me when I was 18. I was jumped and I was like, this seems bad.

[A]

Yeah, well, yeah, it turned out I turned out well one time. It didn't turn out good for me. I got all of them jumped on me and then I got hit with a bat. And also, it's an old story, but a broken bottle on me and that kind of stuff, it's horrible, but it's

[F]

made you the man you are today.

[A]

That guy hit me with a baseball bat.

[F]

Where, where did he hit you?

[A]

He hit me in the best possible place a guy could take a full swing with a baseball bat and hit you with.

[D]

I wanna.

[A]

Right in the nerve in the upper rear thigh because he had to come up behind me with the bat. But the thing that ended up pissing me off is I had had surgery on my knee and. And I told him I had surgery on my knee and he came up behind me and hit me with a baseball bat in the knee. Fortunately for me, he got the wrong knee. I know the guy. The guy's name is Terry. And Ray went and found him about a year later. And you Know, it's all big. Long story. But we talked to him. Didn't we talk to him on the radio show? He didn't seem very proud of it. I think he's a private pilot. Pilot now. But he did not deny coming up behind me with a baseball bat, did he? Now, this guy. Street fight got out of hand. It was stupid. And I got a bottle broken on me.

[F]

This is in the same incident?

[A]

Yeah. Wow. What does that mean? Yeah, I want to get it all over with.

[F]

That's right. Out of, like, the warrior west side Story.

[A]

Yeah, it's all in my book. In 50 years. Wallaby chicks. The bottle was very easy. It was thrown at me and it broke on me. And it broke in such a way where it hit my shoulder and it just shattered on my shoulder. And for some reason, shards of whatever didn't go in my eyes or anything. It just broke on my shoulder. And it just left a sort of red mark on my shoulder. And the baseball bat was just above my knee, so it didn't really do much damage. I had the outline of a baseball bat on my upper thumb for a little while. And then all of them jumped on me. And then they split my lip wide open, which bled a lot. And I was wearing a white shirt, but it didn't really do that much damage. I didn't really. And then I fought the second guy, and then the cop showed up or something. But it was fun. And my buddy Ray found the guy, hit me with the bat, and he got him by in a headlock and dragged him to me in a pocket. That's a good friend, right?

[D]

That is a good friend.

[F]

You hang on to that one.

[D]

Yeah, he has.

[A]

Still friends with him.

[F]

That's good.

[A]

Yeah, he's. He does my home improvement show, Ace on the house. Like, he literally. We're at a party, dragged a guy to the headlock. He said, this is the guy.

[D]

And then what'd you do?

[A]

This was probably almost a year later, or maybe when you're 19 or 20 or 21. It feels like a year later when it's seven months later. But I was actually, for one of the few and rare times in my life, in a bathroom with a woman attempting to grab a boob or something. And Ray just started banging on the door. And I was like, nah, not now. And he said, oh, you better get out here. And he had the guy in a headlock. And he said, here he is. And he served him up to me. It was weird.

[F]

Wasn't the guy thrashing about or just like, hey, not.

[A]

Ray's a strong guy. And he didn't thrash about. I mean, he was thrashing about a little bit, but it was like, you got to come with me this way. And that's what he did. Ray was a big, strong German guy. He got the guy in a headlock. He knew I'd been wanting to find the guy because I told the guy I had a surgically repaired knee. And he came up behind me, the baseball bat, and took a full swing of my knee. So I was like, what the fuck kind of bullshit is this? And I wanted to kill this guy. And Ray found the guy, and then Ray dragged him to me.

[F]

So you didn't take a swing at him or anything?

[A]

He was so apologetic. And I had, like, a boner, so it was very homo rock. And I just said, I'll get the fuck out of here. And that was it. And later on, we found the guy, put him on the radio.

[F]

The guy who had him, he's an airline pilot. Life.

[A]

Yeah, that's corporate stuff.

[D]

Stuff.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. It's good times. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[D]

I'm Alison Rosen. Dip it, cunt.

[A]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, yes. Everybody needs themselves a website. How about it? How about a website? Yeah, you gotta have one. And that's why you need GoDaddy. GoDaddy.com. people are looking for you, man. Old college roommates, maybe. The guy who attacked me with a baseball bat was like, hey, what's coral up down there?

[E]

Days.

[A]

Gonna look them up on GoDaddy. GoDaddy.com. and how about 20% off?

[B]

What if you registered a domain name like I beat Adam Carolla with a baseball bat. Dot com. Live the tale, the day.

[D]

Live to the long URL.

[F]

It's a bit long to be fair to him.

[A]

He just.

[B]

But unforgettable.

[A]

I have the one good swing. One good swing. Go, dad. And then I just go. Put that back down and stop. Step up to the plate, son. And he wouldn't do it. GoDaddy.com.

[B]

you kept the metaphor going. That's good.

[A]

20% off domain names, hosting websites, and more. Just enter Adam 20 off Adam 20 off Adam, the number two and the number zero. And then off. There you go. That's how you save at GoDaddy. All right. Where the hell did time go? I want to thank Susie Essman for coming in here and of course, my new favorite, Dave Hill. Man, baby, thank you for having me.

[F]

I had a lovely time.

[A]

You are a Crescent wrench. Of funny and talent, man. I like that you're adjustable, man. You can do anything. Like if there's one, you know, when you break down. If you could just have one tool, it would be a crescent wrench.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And I feel like if you were trapped somewhere on some island of no comedy and you had to have a guy who could do it all, let

[F]

me be your crescent wrench. Dave Hill.

[A]

That would be Dave Hill. The book is called Tasteful Nudes. It's out as we speak. Get it on Amazon. Go to AdamCroll.com and click on the Amazon banner and show us a little love. So until next time. The hell are we looking for here?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Till next time. This is Adam Carolla for Dave Hill and Suzy Esterman and Allison Rosen and Ball o' Brien saying mahalo. All right, that was Adam Carlos Show 895. Hilarious episode. That does it for Ace Cruel Classics.

[B]

Make sure to tune in tomorrow for

[A]

an all new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on. Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Welcome to the real world, Mean girls. Shut up, Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more For Showtime's press.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

They're free 24.

[F]

7.

[A]

That is so fast. On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast one Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast one Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration, and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast one's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro. The power behind the podcast. Hello and welcome to Plutofo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Welcome to the real world, mean girls. Shut up, Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more. For Showtimes, press nothing they're free 24.

[F]

7.

[A]

That is so effective on Pluto TV stream. Now pay never.