Barry Eisler + Brian Dietzen (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show - Episode: Barry Eisler + Brian Dietzen (Carolla Classics) Release Date: June 21, 2025

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Introduction

In this special edition of Carolla Classics, host Adam Carolla revisits a memorable episode featuring acclaimed author Barry Eisler and Brian Dietzen, known for his role in the hit TV series NCIS. The episode delves into the intricacies of self-publishing versus traditional publishing, interspersed with Adam's signature humor and engaging conversations.

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Main Interview: Barry Eisler on Self-Publishing

[59:44] Adam Carolla: "So the summary should... but it's always everyone who's in the book business complains about it and it's not what it was, you know, 10 years or 20 years ago."

Adam initiates the conversation by expressing his own budding interest in the book publishing industry, prompting Barry Eisler to share his experiences and insights.

Barry Eisler: "It's as easy as uploading a photo to Facebook once the book is done. I mean, getting the book done itself, writing it, getting it edited, line edited, copy edited."

Barry outlines the steps involved in self-publishing, emphasizing the accessibility of digital platforms that have leveled the playing field for authors. He contrasts this with traditional publishing models dominated by major conglomerates.

[60:05] Adam Carolla: "But they give you an advance and then you have to make their money back."

Barry elaborates on the drawbacks of traditional publishing, highlighting the hefty advances that authors must repay through book sales, often limiting creative control and financial returns.

Barry Eisler: "In digital, an author, a lone author can distribute his or her book every bit as effectively as any multinational multi-billion-dollar publishing conglomerate."

He underscores the autonomy and potential profitability of self-publishing in the digital age, advocating for authors to retain a larger share of their earnings.

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Self-Publishing vs. Traditional Publishing

Adam and Barry engage in a deep dive into the pros and cons of self-publishing compared to the traditional route.

Barry Eisler: "Suddenly you look at this and you're like, I don't know about giving you this 85%. I could keep 70% for myself if I publish it myself or through... You can hire someone. New York publishing houses are letting people go, and many of them are becoming freelancers."

Barry discusses how the decline of traditional publishing houses has opened avenues for authors to manage every aspect of their book's production and distribution, often at a lower cost and with higher profit margins.

[60:40] Adam Carolla: "I've Had a lot of conversations in my life where it went something like this... And they said... but they don't want to say, set a precedent."

Adam shares his frustrations with how traditional publishers resist innovative ideas that could benefit authors, likening it to inflexible business practices that hinder growth and creativity.

Barry Eisler: "Especially these days where digital is becoming the primary method of distribution. I mean, Amazon now sells more digital books than they sell paper books."

He emphasizes the shift towards digital consumption, arguing that traditional publishers are struggling to adapt to the new market dynamics dominated by platforms like Amazon.

[61:07] Adam Carolla: "He thinks it's a great thing that he can make so many of these."

Adam questions the sustainability and fairness of traditional publishing deals, pondering whether the substantial cuts taken by publishers are justified in the modern digital landscape.

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Listener Calls: Personal Stories and Anecdotes

The episode features heartfelt and often humorous calls from listeners sharing their personal holiday disasters.

[42:07] Caller: "...my dad's recovering alcoholic, and the night before Thanksgiving, got completely hammered..."

A listener recounts a traumatic experience involving her father's relapse and subsequent violent behavior, highlighting the show's blend of serious topics with comedic relief.

Adam Carolla: "Shutting your mouth when you're talking about me, okay?"

Adam responds with his characteristic bluntness, offering both sympathy and humor to ease the tension of the story.

Another caller shares a story about a family Christmas dinner escalating into chaos, providing Adam and his guests with material for both empathy and laughter.

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Comedy Banter and Humorous Segments

Interspersed throughout the episode, Adam, Allison Rosen, and Brian Dietzen engage in light-hearted banter, touching on topics like Thanksgiving traditions, music preferences, and quirky personal habits.

[05:26] Allison Rosen: "That's not how you do it. But, yeah."

The trio discusses the frustrations of dealing with canned cranberry sauce during holidays, blending observational comedy with relatable experiences.

[23:01] Allison Rosen: "So this though, the dolphins are dead."

Their humorous takes on unrelated news stories, like dolphin deaths caused by techno music at raves, showcase their ability to pivot from serious discussions to absurd humor seamlessly.

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Further Discussion: Success in Self-Publishing

Returning to the topic of publishing, Barry Eisler shares his pivotal decision to self-publish despite lucrative offers from traditional publishers.

[59:44] Barry Eisler: "I had a nice half million dollar two book offer from St. Martin's Press and I gave it a lot of thought and decided that I would be happier and ultimately make more money if I self published it."

Barry's decision serves as a case study for successful authors who choose independence over traditional contracts, reinforcing the earlier points about the benefits of self-publishing.

He reveals that after considering self-publishing, he was approached by Amazon Publishing for a hybrid deal, combining the best of both worlds by retaining higher profits while leveraging Amazon's extensive marketing resources.

Barry Eisler: "They have blown the book out. It came out on September 15th in digital, October 18th in paper. And I mean, I was a New York Times bestseller before the Detachment, but my sales for the Detachment are far beyond anything else I've ever had published."

Barry's success underscores the potential of self-publishing as a viable and profitable alternative to traditional methods.

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Closing Remarks

As the episode wraps up, the hosts continue their humorous exchanges while subtly promoting sponsors and upcoming events.

Adam Carolla: "So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for bribe bride with a Y. Brian Dietzen and Allison saying mahalo. I'm spanking it to Playgirl because I dig other dudes."

The blend of insightful interview content with comedic elements and listener interactions makes this episode of The Adam Carolla Show both informative and entertaining, exemplifying why it remains a favorite among millions of listeners worldwide.

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Notable Quotes:

• Barry Eisler [59:58]: "But in digital, an author, a lone author can distribute his or her book every bit as effectively as any multinational multi-billion-dollar publishing conglomerate."

• Adam Carolla [60:05]: "But they give you an advance and then you have to make their money back."

• Barry Eisler [60:23]: "Especially these days where digital is becoming the primary method of distribution."

• Allison Rosen [162:41]: "So I thought I would read them and get your input on whether you think these are good topics."

• Caller [42:07]: "...road rage and stabbed some dude."

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This comprehensive summary captures the essence of the episode, blending the serious discussion on publishing with the show's trademark humor and listener engagement.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Giovanni]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where play the best moments, highlights and events like the cliffs from all 616 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics available as an exclusive premium bonus.

[Adam Carolla]

Fee through Podcast one Premium.

[Giovanni]

You can find the show there ad free. Check it out and sign up if you'd like to find other ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Drew show as well as exclusive access to the brand new show Beat It Out. Check out Adam Corolla's substack adamco.substack.com and.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcorla.com alright, let's get.

[Giovanni]

To the clips coming up first we have Adam Curla Show Episode 700 featuring Barry Eisler, Allison Rose and Brian Bishop 2010.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. Good day Bald Brian. Yeah, I like to lather up a 10 year old and take an innocent shower and do a little cuddling and drink a little Jesus juice and have a little sleepover party. Yeah, that's me. But you know, that's about it. That's where I draw the Line, right.

[Allison Rosen]

You're just a big kid, super heterosexual.

[Adam Carolla]

Family man outside of that activity. That's it. Just there. Said once said a million times, it's like the guy who does, you know, it's like the 41 year old producer who's living with the 15 year old girl and it's like, hey, there's nothing sexual going on. Worse, he's a big boy. Now you're living with a 15 year old girl and you're just talking, right? About what the point is if you're fucking her. I get it. I don't approve, but I get it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I was actually thinking about that. This whole explanation where it's clear that he doesn't really see what's wrong with it because he just enjoys the company of young boys. There's something more creepy and tragic about it. Cause it's like I think he's in love with them.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the part.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. That's worse than just sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, as I always say, the sex part, I understand. I do not approve or condone or run. It's not part of the platform. I will run on one day.

[Allison Rosen]

Good, good.

[Adam Carolla]

But told by many I should remove it. Remove that plank from my platform. I argued vehemently, but replaced it with a semi racist rant. But the point is this. I understand that that goes on, right. That's an element. The part where we're just hanging and cuddling and making a fort and spending Saturday night over at the house and watching old movies and lathering up in the shower. That I don't understand unless it's followed by this.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm a female and I'm supposed to understand that and I don't.

[Giovanni]

Also the ruse were apparently like you wait for the girl to those last two or three years to turn 18. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

We waited.

[Giovanni]

I was interested, but we waited.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

How does the conversation go in the bar when you're like meeting girls your own age? Like, honey, I'm interested. Don't get me wrong, I'm laying. I'm getting what you're laying down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Give me about 33 months. I'm.

[Giovanni]

No, no, you're waiting for the girl who's at home, who's allowed. I got to be honest, I'm waiting for a 15 year old.

[Allison Rosen]

You mean when your 15 year old first cousin who you married is at home, you're waiting till you're 18 again?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, stupider liar. Like you're waiting until. And again. If it's that, is it ever stupid?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like it's always liar.

[Adam Carolla]

It's usually liar. It's usually liar. And then there's a drunk. Drunk or stupid too. Or drunk or liar too. But it's that sort of Celine Dion thing, right? You know her since she was how old? Raphael, or whatever the hell your name is. And what? And you didn't do anything, but you were always in love with her, but you just sort of sat on your hands until, what, the clock strike struck midnight? Or was it midnight because you had to get her birth certificate to find out? She was born at 3:37 in the.

[Allison Rosen]

A.M. at midnight, her hymen turned into a pumpkin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That crystal pumpkin. Yeah. I don't. Again, I think if you think it's a good. Especially like when you're 41 and she's 15, if that seems like if you can morally wrap your brain around that, you can morally wrap your cock around her vagina.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not how you do it. But, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Like, I staved off our questioning remarks.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. A bigger crime, really, than pedophilia, at least in this broadcaster's eyes, is canned cranberry sauce for the holidays.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Bothers the tragedy out of me, especially when the real cranberries are so easy. And, you know, which is it? Because, you know, around the holidays, the same argument I make for the fake Christmas trees, you know, they go, oh, it's so much easier with the fake Christmas tree. I know it's easier. Everything's easier. No Christmas tree is easiest. You know what I mean? I mean, taking a needle and thread and stringing popcorn is not easy. You could just get some stuff from China that's made out of plastic. But the part about Christmas and. Or the holidays, Thanksgiving as well.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a pain in the ass, but it's beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

There's calories burned. I mean, you could just go to Gelson's and they would whip you up a Thanksgiving dinner. And that's fin. But that's easy. But that wasn't you in the kitchen all day doing your thing, you know? And then who do we aim the compliments toward? The guy who cut the check? The Gelsons? Like, I like the part where people are working and things are being done, and then you get to the cranberry sauce, and all of a sudden we turn into the laziest fucks on the planet. Like, all of a sudden, we're all from Jamaica. It's like, you know what? Where's my can opener, man? And that was what you're making, by the way. Yeah. Good stuff. The point is, make the cranberry sauce. You have cranberries. And I'm gonna tell you right now, you take the sack o cranberries. I don't know how much it weighs. It's just that it's that sack.

[Giovanni]

Standard size.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Standard size cranberries. And this is. And this is why I get livid. And this is why I got into it with my cousin Pat, who. And by the way, she should sue that what's her name from the SNL sketch, because Julia Sweeney. I talk about it more, but there should be Pat Bruno vs. Julia Sweeney for that. It's Pat part. But the point is, she is making Thanksgiving dinner. And I brought cranberry sauce from home a few years back because I knew she was gonna bust out that can opener and bust it out she did. And when I pulled it out, she was pissed. But I was like, hey, baby, I don't go for shit in a can on Thanksgiving. First off, I don't like canned shit during the week. Forget.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't even like your beer anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

The one where Jesus died. Yeah. Or whatever. Where the Pilgrims ran over Jesus and the Mayflower and the Indians got all up in there. Point, point. Here's my point.

[Giovanni]

Let's not focus on the details.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not get mired in the details. I'm saying, no place for a can opener during Thanksgiving. And here's how you do it. You get the sack, you get a saucepan. Empty the content of the sack into said saucepan. Then you put one cup of water. And then they tell you to put a cup of sugar, but that's too much. Put like half a cup of sugar in there. Because you can always add a little sugar, but it's hard to remove it. I like to put just a little lemon zest, you know, a little. Couple lemon peels. And you put the lid on, and you turn it up to a medium flame. And in about four or five minutes, it starts boiling a little. And then you turn the flame off, and then you walk away.

[Allison Rosen]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's done. Done. That's it. That's what pisses me off. I swear to God, I had no.

[Allison Rosen]

Idea it was that easy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it. That's it. You got your fresh cranberry relish right there. Pow.

[Allison Rosen]

And what you're saying is, after five minutes, when you open the lid, you don't just have hot water with cranberries floating around?

[Adam Carolla]

No. I don't know how it works. It seems way too fast, but it's done.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like they're ready to turn into.

[Adam Carolla]

Sauce once they're begging for it. Like, what else would they do?

[Allison Rosen]

Do anything. Juice.

[Adam Carolla]

They're really more ornamental than they are edible. Once you fire it up, once it hits that boiling thing, you just turn it off, put the lid back on, that's that.

[Allison Rosen]

A few wild ones want to become craisins. They're destined for craisin, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Barry Eisler coming in. I'm excited about this dude. This guy spent three years as a covert c agent. Black belt and judo. Not only does judo have the word Jew in it, but has the word dough in it. You know, like a doughy Jew. I mean, it could be anything.

[Allison Rosen]

It really should be the province of Jews.

[Giovanni]

Where you going with this?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I thought you meant dough like money.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean dough. Ooh. Now, I meant, like, doughy.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, like, if a guy said, you're gonna be fighting a doughy Jew, he'd be like, bring him on, right? Punch him right in his bifocals. But yeah, black belt and judo. Here's what I'm interested in. Recently passed up half a million bucks advance from the publisher to publish his own book through Amazon. So we need to talk.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he's not an unattractive man.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he's very easy on your eyes. We'll see if he's single as well. He could kill you with his thumb or bring you pleasure.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm, he has two.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, that's right. Killing you with one thumb.

[Allison Rosen]

We like Russian roulette.

[Adam Carolla]

Strumming you like a guitar with the other. Mangrate. Oh, man. Now. Now we're pon the holidays. Nay, they're upon us either way.

[Giovanni]

How great would it make you feel if someone made cranberry sauce homemade on a man grate?

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm.

[Allison Rosen]

That's just crazy talk.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm looking at it right now. Can't be done tasting Ozzy's flap steak. We had him cook it up here on the man grate. 100% made in America. 100% cast iron steakhouse quality grilling right in your own backyard. Or if you want to, you know, poke a stick at your neighbors, do it in the front yard. Let him know you've arrived. 1999 holiday special. Give the dude the gift he needs. And I guarantee, unless he's been listening to this show he doesn't have, but will never go away. Better than anything. Forget those mylar balloons. Those things are done and over with Now. Click on the manGreat [e-mail] and order today and you'll get a bonus. You'll get that brass brush for cleaning the grill and it's going to have the Adam Carolla show logo right in it. But you got to go to AdamCarolla.com these guys are solid. This is great American company. First sponsors to step on board. Mangrate. And for a. There's never been a penny to weight ratio value that's better than this. It is just a. It's like picking up a. It's like when they, when it comes to your house, you're going to think a small block, a short block Chevy was delivered.

[Allison Rosen]

A small block Chevy 350 to carry this.

[Giovanni]

It's quite heavy. You will not get cheated for your man grade.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it is. It is. It is solid. A Sears. All right. Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a little bit of news before we get Barry in here. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it. It's Allison. Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Cleaning up the show.

[Allison Rosen]

Tonight's news is sponsored by usedcars.com when you're thinking about buying a car, go to usedcars.com G. Adam. And by the way, if you go to blog. Usedcars.com or our YouTube channel, which is YouTube.com AdamCorolla you can see a little video of me, me, Alison Rosen, news girl, talking about. Yeah. How I'm looking for a new car and I need people's help because I don't know crap about cars and I can't make up my mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Don't stop the music. A new previously owned car.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. A new used car.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you thinking about?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. I want something that's not embarrassing looking. I want something that's reliable and something that'll fit in my garage. And that's automatic.

[Adam Carolla]

It seems like everything's automatic now. All right, so use car.com and people are going to help you make your decision. Will you go along with what the unwashed masses vote for?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I don't know yet. I have to see what they vote for. But that's why they're supposed to send me suggestions. You can tweet them to me at use the hashtag pickacar4ar or if they go to blog.use cards.com, they can leave a comment with their suggestions. So if there's a new sponsor, you be good to them and they'll be good to us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, baby. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Two dolphins are dead and techno music may be to blame.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew it. I knew it.

[Allison Rosen]

The Conneland Aquarium and Amusement park in Switzerland hosted a two day rave on their property and told animal rights activists that their dolphins. You're killing dolphins. Dolphins. Dolphin enclosures only 50 meters from where the rave was to be held were designed to be soundproof. At first the dolphins seemed unaffected. This is more distracting than dad's trying.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they killed themselves. I mean, after 10 hours of that.

[Allison Rosen]

Shit, at first the dolphins seem unaffected and were forced to continue performing at the park. However, about 20 days later, Shadow, an eight year old dolphin, was found disoriented and agitated in his pool and eventually died a few hours later. Animal protection groups claim that the non stop noise and stress.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean good. Look. Oh, that's a couple of dolphins dying is a small price to pay to get this fucking scourge cleaned up. Known as this techno music. And this is a rave. I understand it's a fucking rave. It's a bunch of 14 year olds rolling with Vicks Vapor Rub under their nose, sucking on lollipops. But why is this shit getting played in every strip club and at every party and at every event there is. You know why? Because we keep hiring a dj. And when you hire a dj, this is what they do.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's like hiring an interior decorator to do your sound.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know, but I wonder if they got pacifiers stuck in their blowholes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God. I mean, like really, the worst fucking adult days of my life have had this going on in the. You know, it's like when we went to the Tribeca Film Festival, this was going on and there was a DJ at the fucking like restaurant, lounge, bar at the hotel and everyone was just sitting around and it was. I was looking around, it was a bunch of 45 year old people yelling at each other who were sitting and at some point I just walked up to the guy and I said, hey, you could play something that audible ignites.

[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Giovanni]

Help you with yours?

[Adam Carolla]

Of course you don't. We're all lost and alone and it's terrifying. Well, not anymore. Meet Experian, your bff. And by that I mean big financial friend. I'm telling you, Experian is gonna be your go to app when it comes to handling finances like a grown up. And this big financial friend always brings the DTF energy down to fix things, that is. The Experian app finds ways to help you save, matches you with credit cards.

[Giovanni]

And even shows you your FICO score.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're up for it. Bet your other BFFs can't bring it like that, huh? Anyway, it's easy to take this big financial friend along for the ride. Just download the Experian app and get started for free. Link up with your BFF and before you know it, you'll be finishing each other's finance goals. Results will vary. Credit offers, approvals and reward programs Based on FICO score.8 model and subject to lender terms. Offers not available in all states. See experian.com for details. People recognize Nobody's dancing. Everyone's just spitting on each other. They're yelling at each other. Nobody's dancing.

[Allison Rosen]

And then he said, what now?

[Adam Carolla]

He said I like this music. And I said nobody else does dick. And he just turned it up a little bit. I don't know what goes on. Nobody likes his fucking music.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody. And if they do, they're fucking retarded. So their vote shouldn't count. So why are we listening to it? Because we hire one guy and we get punished. We used to do it at the radio station all the time.

[Giovanni]

We need Malcolm Gladwell to figure out how this music got popular, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

It didn't.

[Giovanni]

No, no, it did, but you think it was old? Who didn't want to see, you know what I mean? In the 90s, like this is what the kids listen to. This is what the kids are listening to.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta have it up. There's a little of that. No, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what happened happen is it used to happen at every klsx, you know, Christmas party and, you know, sponsors parties, stuff like that. They do. No, they do. They go, we're having a party. They go, all right, what do we need? Open bar, six foot sub. Oh, dj. Yeah, let's get a dj. Get Sir Dixon cock over here to. And by the way, this guy's hard to get. This guy's 19 and fucking rolling, you know. And everyone else is in their 50s and doesn't give a shit. So when you hire the dj, the DJ is gonna do what the DJ does. What do I always tell you about executives? Television executives?

[Allison Rosen]

They don't know shit and they have no sense of humor.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're women and they do exactly what beavers do. If you put them on top of the fucking Sears Tower. They look for wood they need to build a dam. They just do what they do. Stupid 19 year old DJs do what stupid 19 year old DJs do. They play shitty music. So you go to the party and the guy who's playing in the party or the girl that's playing the party's like, all right, we got the bar good, check. Got the bar, got the food, hors d' oeuvres, we got the crab cakes good. Dj, you good? You good to go? All right, good, everyone's good. And then the party begins. And then everyone just rolls in and starts screaming at each other. And it's the same thing. Who's that? That's. That's Ted Wasserman from Wasse McKenna VW.

[Giovanni]

Oh, he's a cool dude.

[Allison Rosen]

You want some food?

[Adam Carolla]

No, what'd you say? Food.

[Giovanni]

You're in the mood.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude, what's your wife's name?

[Giovanni]

Not Jude. I don't know why I keep saying.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what your wife's name. I'm spitting at your wife. I can't help. I can't hear what you're saying. And that's what it is. And no one will walk over until they asked wife to turn it down because you hired a dj. He's now in charge of the music. This is what happened, sir.

[Allison Rosen]

Cox and Balls has the party by the balls.

[Adam Carolla]

Whether it's the trail mix or the fucking electro music or the bullshit iced tea, I am telling you, we're creating a fucking society that if we all got together and took a vote, I'd get everyone in the fucking room and I go, do you like passion fruit iced tea? And they'd go, no, I thought you liked it. Do you like that shitty fucking electro music? No. I thought that was your thing. No, I don't. Do you like trail mix? Fuck no. I like smoked dimes. I'm telling you, there's 35 things that we've introduced in our society that we're crushing ourselves with for no fucking reason.

[Giovanni]

Poor trail mix. Guilty by association.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to load up a fucking shotgun with trail mix. But just the shitty part. Just the sunflower seeds and those yogurt chips and the little dates that are.

[Allison Rosen]

Rolled in the turds.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking litterds. And a load up and a fucking shotgun and blow that guy's head off behind the fucking two tables with the microphone. Just shotgun a trail mix right in the face.

[Allison Rosen]

I believe I've asked this before, but I'm going to ask again. If you're on the right drugs. Is this music enjoyable? Because I've never taken ecstasy.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're. Or euphoria if you're on ecstasy or you've been huffing bath salts and you're 15 and your brain is right, yes. But if you're at a Christmas party and the average age of the person in the room is 43, in nine months. No.

[Allison Rosen]

Agreed.

[Giovanni]

You know what blew my mind in college? I went to College in the 90s. I knew guys that listen to this, like recreationally. Like they'd listen to when they were.

[Allison Rosen]

Hanging out, like while they were doing homework.

[Giovanni]

Homework and stuff and just like chilling out. Listen to.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I went to college then too. That's really when the whole rave thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Here'S what it is. It's a pulse, but it's not music. Music's like singing and a melody and an instrument. You kind of recognize it. It's no hocus pocus by focus. I'll tell you that right now.

[Allison Rosen]

So this though, the dolphins are dead.

[Adam Carolla]

But we've learned a lesson.

[Allison Rosen]

They're dead. But some people think that they might have died from drugs in the water. People might have thrown their ecstasy in the water. So they're doing autopsy. I know who would do that. But that's what the Story says.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, they would have had. But here's the thing. Those tanks are 250,000 gallons.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So maybe they would have to throw the XZ in and the dolphin would have to eat the exit like before it disintegrated. Dissolve.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. The dolphin was looking for some corduroy. Forbes has a list of overpaid actors. And the criteria to be on this list.

[Adam Carolla]

Please let me get on this list.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to earn a large salary and you have to have at least three films released in at least 500 theaters in the past five years. So using their Celebrity 100 list, Forbes calculated each star's earnings and then looked at the film.

[Adam Carolla]

At least 500. All right, so like a. A good size national release is probably like 22, 2400 theaters, something like that. Like, I think, like you take your Adam Sandler, Jack and Jill kind of thing, somebody can look this up. But I think. I think the big release is somewhere like 2500. 24, 2500 seat theaters and up and up and up. But it's not above. It wouldn't be above 4,000. I don't see that.

[Giovanni]

3,000 is wide. Is like.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So 500 means. And the little arty, the little indie stuff is 12 theaters or 24 theaters. And if it keeps working, they'll do 36 the next week. But 500 is pretty low for a major. But anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so Drew Barrymore tops the list. She makes 40 cents. No, sorry. She returns 40 cents for every dollar she makes.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Giovanni]

You know, if this is on all projects or just the big budget ones, because some of these people are in. Well, some are in, like, smaller movies that aren't expected to make a ton of money.

[Allison Rosen]

This is on all. I believe that's what they did.

[Adam Carolla]

And I wonder if they're holding, like, the Charlie's Angels franchise that went back to TV and then was gone in two episodes. Remember Charlie's Angels? That's this year.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah. That was on, like, for like three episodes.

[Adam Carolla]

If that.

[Giovanni]

If that.

[Allison Rosen]

Eddie Murphy returns $2.70 for every dollar he's paid. He's number two.

[Adam Carolla]

He returns 270.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, sorry, I keep reading this backwards. He. No, yeah, no, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. What does Drew Barrymore do?

[Allison Rosen]

She returns 40 cents. The return for every dollar she makes. The return.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a better question. Great story. How many times since they broke up has Tom Green beat off to Drew Barrymore over under. How many screens is his jizz on?

[Allison Rosen]

5018.

[Giovanni]

He has one nuts. Do you count those full jackoffs?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay. I'm just saying it probably never ends. Every time that fucking Maybelline commercial pops on, it's like, oh, yeah, forgot. Geez, it's been 20 minutes. Tom Green is. I'm telling you, the over under is 5,000. Easily. Easily.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm right, though, with this returning to 78 for every dollar he's made. Because think about who they don't consider overpaid. Would be someone who, like zillions of dollars are. Are made by the company. For every dollar that person makes, she's. She's just a loss.

[Adam Carolla]

She's returning 40 cents for every dollar made. Yeah, Jack and Chills and 3400 theaters.

[Allison Rosen]

Eddie Murphy is returning $2.70 for every dollar.

[Adam Carolla]

So he's doing a lot better than she is.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but he's still the number two most overpaid actor. Then there's Will Ferrell. His return. Will Ferrell, you know, returning 350 for every dollar he's made. Then Reese Witherspoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, thank God. He did Land of the Lost. What the fuck? What? Why? Why do talent. It bothers me when talented.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I loved his work in Elf.

[Adam Carolla]

Why, when you're talented, why do you do that? All right, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Reese Witherspoon is number four. Denzel Washington is number five. Nicolas Cage, number six. I know you guys admire the work of one Nicholas Cage.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, man.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam Sandler, number seven. Vince Vaughn, number eight. Tom Cruise, number nine. And Nicole Kidman, number ten.

[Adam Carolla]

See, Kidman. But I thought Sandler just made his movies, just made money, even though they were horrible.

[Giovanni]

I think all they spend money on is his salary. I don't think they have, like, you know, a bit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Spent a lot of writing and directing. They're all his buddies.

[Adam Carolla]

Spend a lot on fake jizz.

[Allison Rosen]

And here are some clips, some quotes from awful Jack and Jill reviews that I thought you might appreciate. Here's one. Jack and Jill even gives fart jokes a bad name, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, at this point, I think Sandler knows what he's doing.

[Giovanni]

I kind of want to see it.

[Adam Carolla]

I like fart jokes.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't want to see this, but I do like fart jokes. Yeah, I want that on my grave. She liked fart jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Done and done.

[Allison Rosen]

The apocalypse starts here. Here's another one. More than 24 hours has passed since I watched the new Adam Sandler movie, Jack and Jill, and I am still dead inside. Here's another one. It's cruel and creepy, not funny.

[Adam Carolla]

It still can't be as bad as deuce Bigelow gigolo. Two European gigolo. And can't be as bad as Mr. Deeds, can it?

[Allison Rosen]

Howard the Duck, Julie Showgirls. From Justin to Kelly. What do they all have in common? They're all widely considered to be among the worst big studio movies ever made. You know what else they have in common? They're all better than Jack and Joe.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know me, I don't like the name drop, but I was getting a facial today. I was. Firemusic Bradley, I got a facial.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you do this often?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Just twice a week? No. I got a facial today. A long story. I'll tell you, though, it is one of these things where if you ever got a facial. I waited about 45 years before I got a facial and then I got one and I was like, oh, where you been my whole life? Yeah. Felt good.

[Allison Rosen]

What part feels good? Because my understanding is they poke at you and then suck stuff out of your pores.

[Adam Carolla]

It's cool. They hit you. Brian, you'd like this because you love you some. You.

[Giovanni]

I do love hot. Well, I love the hot shave. How dare you.

[Adam Carolla]

I love hot shaves.

[Giovanni]

So let's hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

What they do on the facial, first off, you move your top. That's right. I called it a top. Tell me more. I was wearing a blouse. I left my bra on, though.

[Giovanni]

You're respectable.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you lay down on the table there and they give you the. You know, they massage your neck and your sort of upper shoulders. They give you a little scalp, whatever, and they hit you with all kinds of hot towels and whatnot. And then they hit you with the steam. It's an arm that just seems like it's angry all the time. I'm so mad at his face. And they just. It's like an articulating arm that they'll just. They'll just stop at like 8 inches above your head and it'll just steam, steam, steam. And then the rubber gloves go on and they'll start pushing out.

[Allison Rosen]

So is this bondage or a facial?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you, it's good. They'll push out. They put the light on you, but they'll give you those little glasses, those little weird that haven't changed.

[Allison Rosen]

The ones that usually go along with a Speedo?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the ones that haven't changed in 40 years. You know, people just look at that and went, nah, I got no improvement on this. And they put that on.

[Giovanni]

You sound like you're testifying against Jerry Sandusky. There was this angry arm and then the rubber gloves went on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you, if this is sodomy, sign me up. And then they just start pushing, like, on your nose and around and, you know, all that junk starts coming out there and they find little. They'll find a little blackhead on your forehead or something. They got you under the light and they got all that steam, so all your pores are all opened up. They just keep pushing and prodding and pushing and pushing, and they'll just push all that weird crap that gathers up in your pores right out of you. Then they'll give you, like this, like, salty, you know, scuba rub on your face and then, like, more hot towels and then more stuff and a couple of hot towels later and a little Enya, you're done. But it's like, you're like, hey, man, this is good. And by the way, it feels good.

[Allison Rosen]

When they're pushing stuff out of your face, extruding.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels good in a way. Like when you.

[Allison Rosen]

Like a colonic. I've never had one of those, but.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels good in a way. Like when you have a splinter and it's being pulled out, like in the sense that. Well, it's not good. It's sort of satisfying. Like if you were just trying to relax by a pool and some stranger came up and started doing this to you, you'd be very annoyed, especially if you're trying to drink. But knowing that there's a bunch of shitty stuff coming out of the side of your nose feels. Feels it's satisfying. And that hot, you know, that angry arm with the steam coming down on you.

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder if it's satisfying for them. Because, see, there's nothing I like more than picking at something on my own face or body.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, really getting it out.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always chicks.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but I don't have the desire to do that to someone else.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I've heard of people that.

[Allison Rosen]

Do enjoy picking their boyfriends. That's it, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you just haven't met the right zit. If you met the right zit, like.

[Allison Rosen]

My heart's still open.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, no, no, I'm not saying you're closed off. And it's when you're least looking for the right zip, that's when you run into it.

[Allison Rosen]

That's when I don't need to find it, when I'm happy with.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent.

[Brian Dietzen]

To $15 per month required new customer offer for first 3 months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks.

[Adam Carolla]

Busy taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com Rakuten is the smartest way to save money when you shop because you earn cash back at over 3,500 stores. Fashion, beauty, electronics, home essentials, travel, dining, concert tickets and more. Your favorite stores like Lowe's, Levi's and Nike pay Rakuten to send them shoppers and Rakuten then passes on a part of that payment to its members as cash back. You're already shopping at your favorite stores. Why not save while you're doing it? It's a no brainer. Membership is free and easy to sign up. Get the Rakuten app now and join the 17 million members who are already saving. Cashback rates change daily. See rakuten.com for details. That's R a k u T E N Your cash back really adds up to my own. Zitze hit the eye with pus. That's right. For now, it's just you, your cat just waiting for the zit. But no, you meet the right dude and that right dude has a zit on his right shoulder. You'll dig into that. It's gonna feel good. Point is this. Talk about Hollywood got up.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, here's the name dropping.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, here I got my name dropping. Yeah, actual chick's name was Bonnie, but you guys don't know that. She was like, I got to LA in 1962. I was like, wow. And you're pushing stuff out of my nose, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Look how far she's come.

[Adam Carolla]

Gave her a tip. Yeah, I came pretty good too. Point is this, hence the tip. I got up and one Seth MacFarlane had called. I missed a call. I called him back and I said I hadn't talked to him since his movie I saw. And I said, you know, here's what I thought. That was really good. But I got a couple little nips and tucks for you. And he said, yeah, I don't want to have another Howard the Duck on my hands here. And so it was weird that he just brought up Howard the Duck five hours ago and then you just brought up Howard the Duck and not super creepy. Oh, my God. Weird, but sort of strange.

[Allison Rosen]

Like there's something Duckian in the Zeitgeist.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't get brought up that much anymore. I think we got Gigli and we have Ishtar to focus on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I always miss the hello Larry as the worst of the sitcoms. I don't know what the go to worst of the sitcoms is now. Yeah, used to be hello Larry.

[Allison Rosen]

I think what's. I feel like it would have come and gone so quickly that I. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

See, we don't have any. It's all gone now. We don't have any time for it. But yeah, Howard the Duck was truly painfully bad.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna remember what it was. It definitely was not Double Trouble, because I liked that one.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's McLean Stevenson, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, Trap. Not Trapper John. What was his name?

[Adam Carolla]

Mash.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he did.

[Adam Carolla]

He did one of the best. Or, you know, some consider maybe the best sitcom ever and what people consider the worst sitcom ever. So that's a lot of range. That is. That is range. That'd be like you going from, like, that'd be like in 1976 if you got traded from the Steelers and you went to Tampa Bay. Like, like. I don't know what the timeline exactly is, but this is, you know, going from winning a Super bowl to 0 and 14 or 12 or whatever the hell they were back then. All right, sorry. We'll work it out.

[Giovanni]

George Seifert did that.

[Adam Carolla]

He did. Oh, he did Super Bowl.

[Giovanni]

Two Super Bowls of the Niners and they went like 1 in 15 with the Panthers.

[Adam Carolla]

Ever was. Yeah, good.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it.

[Adam Carolla]

Beep.

[Giovanni]

I don't have the outro.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, you got another story about a dolphin dying. So we can get a good outro here?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's hear it.

[Allison Rosen]

If you'd like to hear another one.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

An Untitled photo by Andreas Gursky sold at auction for $4.3 million. That is the photo on the screen right there.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Breaking the months old record of a Cindy Sherman photo going for $3.89 million.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a photo of a park where Sprinkler head was busted off.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. For listeners. I was hoping you could describe the photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, looks like someone said a golf course. It looks like a golf course that has a river going through it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. There's like three strips of grass, a strip of water, and then a strip of asphalt.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm telling you, they probably cropped out a golf Cart. Like, there could literally be a golf cart just to the right. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not even taken by the sky because it's just gray.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

There's not even any birds in it or puffy clouds.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I would do if I bought this picture?

[Allison Rosen]

I'd put a draw on it for.

[Adam Carolla]

How was it? 4.3 million bucks.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's right. 4.3 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'd be off to Drew Barrymore first. Then I would put it in my entry hall, and I would put the price tag. I put the winning bid underneath it.

[Allison Rosen]

You should.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'd say, oh, by the way, that is before the 10% premium that I had to give to the auction house. So that's another 430,000 bucks. Anyway, I just put it there along with the paddle and the check that I wrote to the auction house. And then people would come into my home and they'd go, what was that from some fraternity? Pardon me, but $4.3 million for what just looks like a picture of a random golf course? And I'd go, yeah, isn't it Shit? And they'd go, sorry, but yeah, I don't get it. And I'd go, that's how rich I am. I don't get it either, and I don't even give a shit. You go out with your fucking iPhone, take a better picture than this tomorrow. That's how goddamn rich I am. You understand? I could buy and lease you. I wouldn't even sell you. I'd lease you with an option to own, but I would not sell you. I would want to keep rights over you. I'd lease you out. Mm. To a super filthy family who didn't take care of you.

[Allison Rosen]

What would be the point of owning this if you can't?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, there were smokers. That's why the lease you two family of smokers with no hygiene.

[Giovanni]

Of course I'd ask you if they're smokers, and I wouldn't really care what they said.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it wouldn't matter to me. Yeah, they could have pets too. Wouldn't care. Yeah. What do you ask?

[Allison Rosen]

What would be the point of owning it if you can't tell everyone how much it costs?

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Because otherwise you're fucked, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I think so, yeah. It's no Ansel Adams.

[Adam Carolla]

I tell everyone how much I pay for. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Are we missing something?

[Adam Carolla]

No. I mean, obviously I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

How the hell did this happen?

[Adam Carolla]

All I know is you can make fun of these people all you like at some Point when they sell it for $6.5 million four years from now, you're not so hard. Okay, Hannah got. Hannah. Gott.

[Allison Rosen]

Are we ready? Are you ready? That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it.

[Adam Carolla]

Beep. That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, yeah. 01 Media Center. Did they do the phones? Do they do the iPhones? I told my. No, they don't pair the phones.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they don't repair the phones. They're a computer. Licensed Apple specialists.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish my wife had dropped her computer today instead of her phone. All right, they do computers, and they did your. What did they do? They did your computer.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, most recently, my computer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they set up our computers over here. Founded by post production professionals. Been building custom computers. You guys are listening. You want to do your own production? Tv, radio, film. They got all the experience. They'll build you a custom computer. They are Apple specialists over there. Certified technicians available for computer repair and remote tech report. That's right. They just do it using telepathy and possibly a telephone. Mm. Yeah, that's right.

[Giovanni]

They'll just, like, fix your thing while you're sitting there watching them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you just, like.

[Giovanni]

You're in another place. Another.

[Adam Carolla]

You hold it up to the phone like Yuri Gallic, and they'll just unbend that spoon for you. They're that good. 310-651-8488. I'll look him up. 01 Media Center 01 Mediacenter.com Good guys. Total pros. I want to say Manpah Company, but maybe Ponpa. I only met the dude. Either way, been with us for a long time. Do great work. You can send them your stuff from wherever you are. And again, find. Find sponsors. 01 Media Center. All right, where were we? Dot com. Yeah, we got some calls. We got our guests. Should we take a call? Go for it. Holiday disaster story. Let's do that. I always like those. Someone's calling from New York City. Hey, Kelly.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Kelly?

[Caller]

Not a whole lot. Just watched Coach K get 903.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Caller]

So best coach ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wow. This is our 700th show, by the way.

[Caller]

Oh, awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Thank you.

[Caller]

Best podcast ever, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, sweetie. Petey. Coach K. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You're the Coach K of podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So what's up?

[Caller]

Oh, so, holiday disaster. Last year, we went home to my hometown in Ohio for Thanksgiving, and my dad's recovering alcoholic, and the night before Thanksgiving, got completely hammered.

[Adam Carolla]

Now who's an alcoholic? Your dad.

[Caller]

My dad. Yeah. And he had been completely recovered for a long time and had relapsed and got totally drunk. And I started yelling at him and my mom started yelling at me, you know, leave him alone. Leave him alone. He got all pissed off at me and stormed out of the house. And we didn't hear anything. And all of a sudden we got a call from his cell phone that he was out driving around and somehow got road rage and stabbed some dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's your dad?

[Caller]

Yeah, he's a hunting guy, too. So I whipped out.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, hold on. Quiet. Hunting. Hunting. The ultimate prey.

[Allison Rosen]

So I was nervous.

[Caller]

Maybe he had a gun with him. So I made my husband take me out of the house because I was scared he was going to come back with a gun. Like, you know, you hear all creepy stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm always scared. My dad.

[Caller]

We left and got back and I.

[Adam Carolla]

Called, like, when my dad comes over to visit the kids, he'd be like. And I'll be like, who's there? It's your father. Hold on a second. You packing? No.

[Allison Rosen]

We're gonna have to wand you, old man.

[Adam Carolla]

Take two steps back. Let me look at you through the peephole. All right, go ahead and lift your shirt up. Untuck the. Take that. Not the cardigan. T shirt, too. It's good. Turn around for me.

[Giovanni]

I'm talking out of your underwear.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's get down to the tighty whities. Go ahead and pass. Pass the sands and belts and the cardigan up through the door. Thank you. Let me go ahead and put these through. All right, I'll be with you in a moment. And I understand it's cold. Let's put some techno music on for your listening pleasure. All right, now you can come in. Stay out of the kitchen. A lot of sharp things in there. Don't need you making a move. You visit the kids, take care business. You get back to the Buick and you leave. You understand?

[Giovanni]

Keep your hands where I can see them.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Also gonna need a couple forms of id. You look like my dad, but, you know, so do a lot of people. All right, so, yeah, I understand he's scared of your dad. Now, how old is your dad at this point?

[Giovanni]

50.

[Adam Carolla]

Something?

[Caller]

Yeah, 50, 53.

[Adam Carolla]

Feel like you should get over this by that age. Not you, but him.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So did your husband find him?

[Caller]

Well, we took off and called my aunt and my uncle. My uncle's a cop and a couple of their aunts and uncles, and they came over and we stayed out of town and they came over and basically started a full intervention when he came back. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

They had to wait for him to return to start the intervention. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah. Well, I just told him to go over because obviously my uncle has a gun. He's a cop, and I wanted him to be there when my dad came back because my mom wouldn't leave, so I wanted someone else to be there. So they were all there and, you know, kind of correspondence on the phone, back and forth, and got him in the house and started an intervention. And we let that kind of go on for a while before we came back. But then the whole night was just, like, you know, talking him through it, and he's completely wasted, and we don't know if he ever actually stabbed someone. There was nothing ever reported, but, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Caller]

We didn't know if it was, like a cry for help or what it was, but his glasses were, like, broken in half. He said the guy punched him and then he stabbed him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. All right, well, he had it coming. Cry for help. Stabbing someone's a cry for help? I thought you cutting your inner thigh was a cry for help, not stabbing strangers.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm a cutter. I cut other people.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess who else is crying for help? The guy who stabbed. There's two cries for help now. Once the 911. Wow. What does your dad do other than stab strangers?

[Caller]

He actually builds custom kitchens.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Ooh.

[Caller]

Yeah, so I know all about planers and molding and all that kind of fun stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad's got a cabinet shop.

[Caller]

Yeah, well, he does it for a business. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Nice. All right, that's good to hear.

[Caller]

Yeah, he's got a big shop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've turned the corner on this cat.

[Giovanni]

How do you think that call went to the uncle on Thanksgiving? Hey, Uncle Jerry, it's Kelly. All right, Happy Thanksgiving. First.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just sitting down for turkey myself. Nice to get a day off for a change. Police work. Stressful.

[Giovanni]

Did you broil that bird or did you barbecue it?

[Adam Carolla]

This year we did the deep fryer. Oh, you said that last year. We did it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, you gotta be careful, you know, when you're dropping it in there, you don't get the.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know. It's awesome, man. I mean, this thing's piping hot. I'm just looking. I'm just. I just got the electric knife out. I'm looking to cut into it, so it's gonna be awesome.

[Giovanni]

Hey, speaking of which, you don't have a big crowd over there this year, do you?

[Adam Carolla]

No, this is like 12 people, but you know, the usual crew. They're all here. Yeah, yeah, we got. Reverend Johnson is here. We got some of the folks from the PTA and just people from the church.

[Giovanni]

No one on the board of the pta?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, the usual.

[Giovanni]

And none of the not clergy in the church?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah. Why? What's up?

[Giovanni]

Well, are they the patient type? I mean, if they had to.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the turkey's kind of getting cold. What's going on?

[Giovanni]

Speaking of cold, you know my dad likes to drive when he's drunk, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, he's an alcoholic. I thought he gave that up. Oh, no, no.

[Giovanni]

I thought so too, actually, but now it's hitting it hot and heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Hitting it, hitting it good. Okay. Anyway, listen, I'm just kind of in my sweatpants now.

[Giovanni]

A favor to ask, if it's not too much. I know it's thanks to you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just. Socks and sweatpants and T shirts, you know?

[Giovanni]

Do you have clothes close by?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're upstairs.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, they're in the laundry.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna need you to go into your laundry, get those clothes and come over here and run an intervention for my dad because he stabbed someone.

[Adam Carolla]

Should I bring the electric knife?

[Giovanni]

That would be a bad sign, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Leave the Elect. Should I bring.

[Giovanni]

No, Bring it safe, but don't show it. You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't wipe it around now. I wasted all my pepper spray on another one of your family members year, so I'm out of pepper spray for this year.

[Giovanni]

I believe we stocked up at Costco.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Yeah, that is nice. Speaking of another sloppy drunk story, I think. Aj.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam. How's it going?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, aj?

[Caller]

You guys want to hear my story?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, please.

[Adam Carolla]

We do.

[Caller]

All right, so I this story with my mother, and it happened in 1998. It was a Friday at Turtles Double bubble night. That means all drinks are half off. Let me preface this by saying my family decided to have Christmas in Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Every couple of years at a place called Turtles.

[Caller]

Yeah, we decided to go there this night for some reason. It's a pretty good restaurant. I don't think they're in business anymore, but sure.

[Adam Carolla]

That good double bubble night, huh?

[Caller]

Yeah, half. Half off drinks. Yeah, but maybe it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Must be half off the Long island beer and champagne or something. Yeah. All right. So your grandma did what?

[Caller]

She had six Long island iced teas.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Caller]

And about the fifth one, she basically fell off the cliff. And she was preceded to the wind. She Was gone. So she starts to get up from her. Her table and start sampling people's food from other tables.

[Adam Carolla]

She's.

[Caller]

She just loses her mind. So my uncle, he throws her over his shoulder and he just leaves the restaurant. My family, like, one by one, gets up and just starts leaving. We don't even pay. We just drive home. The whole drive back to the resort that we're staying at, she was singing Crazy Train and pretending.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah.

[Caller]

She was singing Crazy Train and kept shouting, buy me some tickets to the Crazy Train. I'm crazy for the Crazy Train. It was funniest shit ever.

[Adam Carolla]

The one good thing about the old drunk people is, you know, when. You know, back in the day when John Matuszak would have one too many, you didn't really. You couldn't do anything. Or Lyle Alzado or the stork Ted Hendricks, you know, any. Any of the Raiders interior linemen, Archell, there's nothing, nothing you could do but politely ask them to stop drinking. And if they told you fuck off, you'd have to go sit back down again. But when grandma gets loaded, you can throw over the uncle's shoulder. I'm hoping it was a cop, because now we got a theme. And carry her out of the restaurant.

[Giovanni]

Plus, now we know why turtles went out of business.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, these 20 people left the pain. Yeah. Even with Double Bubble Night working. Sounds like one of Jack Silver's ideas. By the way, grandmother served rotten turkey on Thanksgiving two years ago. I don't like the way that sounds. Guy accused him of stealing weed in the middle of a holiday party with a DA agent. Uncle, we got a third uncle call. Hey, Frank.

[Caller]

Hey, Sman, how you doing, buddy?

[Adam Carolla]

What happened with your uncle and the DEA agent?

[Caller]

Yeah, so this is 1982. I'm 16 years old, and my buddy was growing some pot plants.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Caller]

Well, they get stolen. And we knew who did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is what would have been planned. Sorry. Okay.

[Caller]

It was probably some Phil Collins playing because my buddy. Anyway, so we knew who did it. And so I was pretty vocal around town that, you know, this guy had done it. So we're sitting down to Christmas dinner, and my uncle happens to be a DEA agent. Is there. Well, this guy that I had accused around town shows up. My front door, starts screaming after I open the front door. I didn't steal the pot plants. I didn't do this. And of course, you look over your shoulder and there's my uncle. The DEA agent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Nar. He's the man.

[Caller]

The parents are just.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, that's awesome.

[Caller]

I was on lockdown until school was out like six months.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, did you ever find the guy who stole the pot plants?

[Caller]

Well, no, we knew who did. The guy cut by and he totally overcompensated. He didn't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Was this Phil Collins or was it Groovy kind of Love?

[Caller]

No, it was the dude who ran the local pizza place.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't understand why the guy who ran the pizza place who did steal your pot plant would come over and start screaming at you. I know it's over compensation, but. You really sure this guy stole your pot plant?

[Caller]

Yeah, they weren't mine, but yeah, I'm sure. We're sure it was him.

[Adam Carolla]

Your uncle may be listening. All right, thank you. You know, my family's so boring. No one gets drunk. I'm usually the only one who gets drunk. No, they're drinking my booze. Yeah, they're just kind of. Yeah, I mean, they'll have a little diminish. All right, should we take a break? You want to talk about, like, performers that get paid too much? Talking about Cruz and Eddie Murphy kind of like this. Phil Collins has had more. I'm gonna come out with a list. List of guys that have more chart topping songs that don't deserve to be there. I mean, when you're getting studio and groovy kind of love on there and just some of that. I mean, he's had some God awful songs.

[Giovanni]

You like Huey Lewis.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're always playing it like cbs. Yeah, that's where I do all my Phil Collins listening.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. And I mean, when you take a piece of song like Groovy Kind of Love, like Groovy Kind of Love sucked ass when it came out in 1966 or whenever the it came out and you figured out a way to slow it down and it up even more. And it always sucked balls. Groovy kind of love just sucked it. And it could have only been successful in one window. It wouldn't have. We would have.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm no love expert, but I don't even think I'd want a groovy kind of love. I'd rather just have the regular kind.

[Adam Carolla]

No, this song is pretty timeless, though. All right, It's. It's a nursery rhyme. I'm blue, I'm you I feel good when I'm next to you. Yuck. Yuck. Listen, just let black people handle the music.

[Allison Rosen]

I do like that Genesis song.

[Adam Carolla]

This is what happens when Whiny tries to write a love song. Now, there was this whole era when whitey was writing songs about, hey, baby, just want to be friends with you. I don't want to lay you down and I don't want to bring you down. I just want to be friends. Like, I want to hold your hand. I want to be friends with you. Fuck that. I want some dry hump up.

[Giovanni]

That's a fun guy, too.

[Allison Rosen]

That's beer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. No, that's a song. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

I want some dry humping.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there was a. There was an era, and it was a tactical move. I understood it. You know what? I'd like to work this out, because I think guys got more pussy between the years of 1967 and 1971 and a half by just hanging around like Golden Gate bridge park, going, hey, man, I'm not. I don't want anything from you, man. I don't want to pressure you or anything. Like, I just want to hang, man. I just want to hang and groove.

[Allison Rosen]

And that's the whole sense of new age guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we just vibe together, but.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but they're secret stealth players.

[Adam Carolla]

Smash cut to two hours later and come on, man, have a little more reefer. And we're back in my van and I'm the out of you. Yeah, but it was a good tactical move. It was a hanging out. Hey, man, we just want to be friends, man. Just want to hang, man. I mean, you're not uptight, are you? Let's just get naked and frolic, man. It's the way God created us. Next, you know? How about a blow job? Yeah, this should buy, like, a feel.

[Allison Rosen]

Like I can move.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't move in these. These hemp pajamas, man.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like elastic waistband restricting.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I was driving down main street looking for action, but something caught my eye. A female attraction said, how much? She said, that depends. I said, if you dry hounds, I got some monies to spend. So we got my car and we started to grind. I said, you lacked the friction she said, I don't mind. So we humped and we bumped but you didn't understand what it is that makes me a dry humping man. Well, you don't get pregnant and you don't get disease. True, we can dry hump any which way we please. All I get is that rope run on my knees. Dry humping satisfies me. Try home. Only laughing because I know Josh.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm laughing at the photo where he looks so wholesome. It's the best photo an album art ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Stink Fingers up on I. Jones you paid up the check. I said, one more dry home. She said, what the heck?

[Giovanni]

A sweet home, chicken buns.

[Adam Carolla]

But you didn't understand what it is. It makes me a dry humming man. That's right. Why don't we take a five minute break? It was great. You know what I miss about the man show? I miss having mascots. Like, we would have writers based on their ability to play softball and how entertaining they were to us, you know, not their ability to turn a phrase or write a joke. But, you know, Josh didn't write any jokes, but we just forced him to come into the office and either do the porn star audition for us, which was awesome. And we'd also force him to do it, you know, at parties and stuff in front of the executives, the older Jewish female executives over at Comedy Central, which they never took it quite the right one. But he would always. The thing that was funny about Josh is we'd go, josh, do the porn star audition for Debbie Liebling. And he'd be like, nah, come on. And then we go, God, do it. Come on, do it. And we did a Christmas party. And he'd go, no, no, no, no, no. Come on. Nah, nah, nah. Come on, my wife's here. Come on. Nah, nah. And we go, come on, do it. And he go, okay. And then as soon as he did it, it'd just be. All of a sudden, he'd be that thing like, you want some? You want. We're going all night, babe. He'd like, lick his finger and be rubbing stuff. We're going all night. We're going. Okay, get on me now. Get on me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me do a little coke. We're going all night. You ready to go all night? You ready to fuck all night? You want to fuck all night? And then she'd like, get on top of him and go, we're fuck all night. And then you go, get off, get off, get off. We would laugh hysterically. And then whoever we forced him to do in front of and just be like, what the fuck? He'd be lying on the ground of a Christmas party. Yeah, it was awesome. All right, Barry Eisler's out there. The detachment. Former CIA agent, spent three years as a covert CIA agent versus the ones that can't stop yapping about it.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. God.

[Adam Carolla]

And easy on the eyes. Maybe a love connection here. Back with Barry. Next. Yeah, welcome back. Barry Eisler here, he's an author the Detachment. Latest book, Black belt, Pacino, three years, covert CIA agent. I like the part where you turn down half a million bucks, is that true? To publish the book, did it yourself?

[Barry Eisler]

It's true. I had a nice half million dollar two book offer from St. Martin's Press and I gave it a lot of thought and decided that I would be happier and ultimately make more money if I self published it.

[Adam Carolla]

So the advance is just that. I'm new to the book business myself.

[Barry Eisler]

But seems like it's going well for you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's going pretty well, but it's always everyone who's in the book business complains about it and it's not what it was, you know, 10 years or 20 years ago. But they give you an advance and then you have to make their money back. They don't really pay you. They give you an advance, except for they don't get it back if you really screw up and they give you too much.

[Barry Eisler]

Well, or if they screw up, or.

[Adam Carolla]

If they screw up, there's that too. So they give you an advance and then you pay them back. And then if you keep going, then you whack that money up. But they're getting a pretty big cut. And if you've done a book or two, you start to kind of look around and go, I think I could do this myself.

[Barry Eisler]

Yeah. I read a little bit about what happened with you in Random House and it's interesting because the promise of a publisher is they take 85% of the proceeds in exchange for distribution. Which when paper was the only way to distribute a book was not a bad deal because you had no choice really. But in digital, an author, a lone author can distribute his or her book every bit as effectively as any multinational multi billion dollar publishing conglomerate. It's a level playing field. So suddenly you look at this and you're like, I don't know about giving you this 85%. I could keep 70% for myself if I publish it myself or through.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and also the book folks are, they're the last to go. I mean, they are an old school industry they have not signed off on or bought into. And I sort of went through this with Random House where I was like, hey, wake up, smell the coffee, catch on, let's do it. I like, you know, they've been good to me and I like my editor a lot. But yeah, I got into it with them over doing a second audiobook with them where they just, I think, what.

[Barry Eisler]

Did they say to you? They didn't want to set a precedent by, by splitting the proceeds and they wouldn't have to really do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

I've Had a lot of conversations in my life where it went something like this. Like, hey, auto insurance guy who I have 13 cars with and I've never filed a claim. How about you send one of your guys with the Instamatic camera down the street and he can take a picture of the VIN number of my car and bring it back and then you'll have a 14th car with no claims. And they said, if we do that for you, we'll have to do it for everyone. And I said, if you, everyone who signs up has 14 cars and never files a fucking claim, that should be the best fucking day of your life. So if every author you have wants to do a second book, audio book, and release it through his website and give you half the profits and have you do nothing, that will be the greatest thing that ever happened to your company. So I'm going to take your logic and I'm going to ball it up and throw it right back at you. I don't understand that. But yes, they don't want to say, set a precedent. And I feel most the time with ideas. If you come to them with one, not so fast. See, if they come to you with an idea, then it's their idea. Then you get to think about it. But if you came to them and said, how about I detail your van and suck you off? They'd be like, hold on, why think about that? Let me think about it.

[Barry Eisler]

The trick is to make them think that your idea was, yeah, if I.

[Adam Carolla]

Let you detail my van and suck me off, then I'm gonna have to let everyone detail my van and suck me off. You understand? And then where would my dick and my van.

[Barry Eisler]

Western civilization would crumble.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you do have to kind of, if you hit it with them and pretend it's there, if you can figure out a way to make it their idea, it would better.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you do that, though?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, it's one thing that Jimmy Kimmel told me a million years ago when we set a deal because program directors are the worst. You make it seem like whatever you want to do was somehow you go like, I agree with you. I think that Singles Party in Tijuana is going to be a great fucking idea. And we should get Jose Cuervo to sponsor. And you can usually slide it past them. But the publishing thing's a little tougher. But enough about me. I patched things up. I'm working on the second book. So how does it work? How does one self publish?

[Barry Eisler]

It's as easy as uploading a photo to Facebook once the book is done. I mean, getting the book done itself, writing it, getting it edited, line edited, copy edited.

[Adam Carolla]

Who does the editing? Who does the proofreading?

[Barry Eisler]

This is. It's. I'm gonna have to check myself because I can talk about this stuff all night if you want to. I find it very interesting. You can hire someone. New York publishing houses are letting people go, and many of them are becoming freelancers. Not only that, but many of the traditional functions associated with New York publishing are already outsourced. Publicity, copy editing, jacket design. They don't do that in house. House, it's all outsourced. If a New York publishing house can outsource it, why can't an author?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the other thing you find out about life, where you go, you know, whatever entity you're dealing with, they go, hey, man, we do the jacket, we do the distribution, we do the design, we do the printing. And then they go. You realize they farm everything out. And even though it's something, you'd still save a lot of money if you did that yourself. And that came out of your pocket. But then that you're taking a risk.

[Barry Eisler]

Especially these days where digital is becoming the primary method of distribution. I mean, Amazon now, now sells more digital books than they sell paper books. And again, before, when paper was the only game in town, it made sense for New York to be able to say, do you want to get your book to a mass market of readers? You need us for that. We're going to charge you 85%, but you'll make it up on volume. You only keep 15%, but you'll make it up on volume. That made sense. But writers, publishers don't need New York to distribute their books anymore. They just don't. I feel a little bad saying it because it hurts New York's feelings sometimes when I do. But it's just a fact. I can distribute my books every bit as well on my own as any New York publisher can. So now when I look at a New York publisher, I say, okay, before, I was only keeping 15%. And that's because you were doing distribution. That was your primary value add. You're not doing distribution anymore, so your value add has lessened. And yet you're still trying to give me only 15% of 17.5%, to be exact, of the proceeds from a digital book. That doesn't make sense to me.

[Adam Carolla]

So you have to then make the rounds on shows like this. And you have to. You have to also. It's nice if you're established. I mean, would you say that at least getting the first book done, if that's possible, through a traditional or more traditional modality is better? Because. Because you sort of. You pop your cherry, you know, you get out there, people know who you are. Cuz just starting from scratch. I mean, how difficult would it be for Brian over here who's less than unknown? If he met three people tomorrow, he'd be up to zero. He's that unknown man in the streets.

[Giovanni]

Tomorrow, pounding the pavements.

[Allison Rosen]

People meet him and forget. People they are.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say you took a guy.

[Giovanni]

No, wait, this is a good question because I was actually approached by a literary agent to write a book based on my story. And so this is, I'm curious, the same thing. I've obviously never written a book before. So if I was first time writer, no experience, what are the advantages, if any, to using a publisher?

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, sorry, Just for Barry. Quick, first guy into the Waco Compound. If you want to find his story.

[Giovanni]

I was kicking down yours.

[Barry Eisler]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. He has a brain tumor. Sounds funny.

[Giovanni]

Metaphorical.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Barry Eisler]

Look, anything you do, it's in the publishing world, it's going to help if you already have a name. I mean, Bill Clinton probably wouldn't have been able to sell all the copies of My Life that he managed to sell if he hadn't already been President of the United States. So there's no doubt, whether you self publish or legacy publish, if you already have a big brand name, that's going to be an enormous advantage. But the question is, okay, what do you do if you haven't built a brand name by being president or having a bunch of best selling novels already published with the help of a legacy publisher? And you just want to get into self publishing, how are you going to do it? And the answer is. Well, there are a number of ways, but don't expect it to be easy. On the other hand, don't expect legacy publishing to be easy either. I think we both know that it isn't.

[Adam Carolla]

And how does one, an aspiring author, get into the legacy publishing business? Because like for me, I always say this, it's funny, because in show business, whenever you do an interview, and I just did some today, where they go, what made you decide to do Dancing with the Stars? Not like I woke up in the middle of the night, honey, get my Capezios, get Murray on the phone, get Baby Doll Dixon on the phone. I don't care what time it is, I'm doing Dance with the Stars. No, what happens Is you get a phone call and someone goes, you want to do Dance with the Stars? You go, when's it start? How much? And that's how it works. And then I get a phone call saying, do you want to do a book? And I go, how much? And it's the same thing. They ask you, but no one comes to you, I imagine, before you. Okay, before you've written the first book and says, hey, man, can you write a book?

[Barry Eisler]

No, it doesn't happen that way. Unless, again, if you have a really big brand name to use that, yeah, they'll find you.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Barry Eisler]

But for your typical.

[Adam Carolla]

All the authors that we've, you know, dead and alive, who we've heard of, at some point they had to write something and slide it under someone's door.

[Barry Eisler]

Especially if we're talking about fiction, right? So what happens is you labor in obscurity on planes, trains and automobiles. You've taken when you're supposed to be taking notes in a meeting, you're actually working on your manuscript, and you just do it at odd hours for as long as it takes until it's good enough. And the traditional path is, hopefully you are able to find a literary agent who likes it, helps you polish it, and then takes it out to various editors at New York publishers. And one of them might say, wow, this is really good. We want to buy the rights to this and we're going to publish it. That's how it worked for me with my first book, the rights to which sold in 2001.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you sell a treatment or do you need the Full Monty, like, at the beginning?

[Barry Eisler]

If it's fiction, it's going to have to be the Full Monty. You can. You can find a few, very few exceptions, and those will typically be by people with some sort of tremendous platform to write the novel. But in almost every case, if it's fiction, the best you could do going with a treatment or just making a pitch, if you find an agent or an editor and say, hey, I've got this great idea, and it is a great idea, and the editor or agent really likes it, really the best you could hope for is, hey, here's my card. Call me when it's written.

[Adam Carolla]

So has the first book been optioned in a Hollywood kind of way?

[Barry Eisler]

Yeah. The first book, Rainfall, was actually made into a movie by Sony Pictures Japan that came out in April 2009. It starred Gary Oldman as the bad guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Barry Eisler]

It was an interesting experience.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll bet. And when you say interesting, you mean horrific. Sure.

[Barry Eisler]

Like when somebody describes the cooking is interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Taking your words and just twisting them to a horrible knot. Yes, yes, I understand.

[Barry Eisler]

Well, it's a quality problem. It was a good payday, and I'm sure it introduced new readers. Net Net. I'm sure I came away from the experience with more readers than I had before.

[Adam Carolla]

Share Net. Net. I like that. And I like the first world problems, too. I have a fair amount of those in my life.

[Barry Eisler]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had that thing today that just. I don't know, you guys. Tell me again. My first world. And everyone's tired of me complaining about rich white guy problems. But I don't agree with me to agree with me. But don't disagree if you Just because you feel it's politically correct. All right, we. As I've said, a couple of years ago, my wife announced that the. Even though we had a maid come for nine hours once a week, that the house was still a mess. And I thought, this is the point. She's going to pick up the swifter and get to work. And she said, she needs to come two days a week. I should realize, all right. And I said, all right, but that means two days a week. There's a woman who I don't know that well, who doesn't speak a ton of English, who's always in my kitchen. I've complained about this before, and I don't know about you guys, but in the morning, I'm in no mood. I'm just not a morning person. I'm not in a good mood. And I usually got up before I wanted to get up. And I put my bathrobe on, and I still got a little. That I'm in what I call the leather phase, you know, in the tumescent department, you know what I'm saying? And I got the sweatpants on. That's a big boy. And I'm walking down in the kitchen, and there's the chick. She's on her cell phone and she's having a fucking Telemundo experience on that phone, man. I mean, going at it with her friend, you know, like she's auctioning livestock. And it's like, loud. And you know when you're me. Haw. Yeah. And she's like. She's standing in front of the sink, and I have to do that. I'm trying to pour the cup of coffee, and she's like, with her friend on the phone, and it's like. And I said to my wife two weeks ago, the house is big. There's a bunch of rooms she's gonna be here for nine hours. Can she start in the fucking living room? Cuz I won't. I walk right past the living room and I go straight. Her move is she goes to the kitchen and biv. Bivouacs in the kitchen. And then I go in there and it's that thing where it's like, you know, excuse me. And she's undoing the, you know, the dishwasher. And I'm like, like jockeying for space. Could I have that bowl? And then I'm heating up my shit and pouring my. But it's. It's just her and I alone. Everyone else is the kids, the wife, it's me and the strange Latina woman in my kitchen. She's on the cell phone and I'm doing that. And there's always that awkward.

[Allison Rosen]

You can accidentally slap her with your junk, and then she would slap you with the suit.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll just take a shower, lather up her thighs a little bit. No, no, nothing sexual.

[Giovanni]

Outer thighs. Allison, come on. My. Out of the gutter.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's perfectly nice, but she's like. And she's doing a lot of apologizing. Like, I'm like. I'm going for the microwave and she's standing there and I'm doing, excuse me. And the door. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. And I'm like, no, no, it's all right. But I'm thinking, why do you start. And my wife told her two weeks ago, don't start in the kitchen, because here's the deal. There's a window. That window's about 7:45 to 8:45. That's when I'll be heading into the kitchen, pissed off, looking for a cup of coffee in a breakfast bar. That would be the time where you should be in the entry hall bathroom, doing your magic or whatever, wherever else. Wherever else you'd like in the house. Anywhere but there. And then she always goes from there to my upstairs bathroom. In which case, when I'm done with my coffee, my breakfast bar, and I start heading out into the bathroom to shave or whatever, that's always. Everything's taken apart and she's in there and it smells like Lysol and everything, you know, there's no towels and like, why are you fucking with me? Why not start the fucking living? I'll be out of the house by 11.

[Barry Eisler]

I don't think it's a coincidence.

[Adam Carolla]

Do whatever you want.

[Barry Eisler]

I don't think it's a coincidence.

[Allison Rosen]

She's out to get you. You should be able to Request that she starts in other parts of the house.

[Adam Carolla]

I have done that. It's been requested.

[Giovanni]

Paying her.

[Adam Carolla]

It's been requested.

[Allison Rosen]

She's supposed to be able to order.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying. You guys know what I'm saying? Like, just start.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't understand why she's not well.

[Adam Carolla]

I will give her this. Listen, I shit canned Ozzie's wife.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a request, Brian. It's just polite.

[Giovanni]

It's not too much trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

Ozzy from Nicaragua, his wife wore so much Liz Taylor white diamond perfume that it fucking hurt my retinas. Like, I mean, it teared up. And I would smell it on my kids. She'd hug the shit out of my kids. And then I'd pick up my kids and they'd smell like white diamonds. And so listen, God rest her soul. But I'm glad Liz Taylor's gone. If anything, just to slow down production of white dye. It is the shittiest smelling shit. It's waxy and soapy and shitty. It's not even floral smelling. It's just shit. It's like somebody shit in a decorative bottle and put, like, a little vinegar in it. And it's fucking horrible. And look, God rest her soul. But I'm glad she's gone. Just because of what she's done to my life. That fucking white diamonds. And I told Ozzy's wife, not me personally, of course, but I dispatched someone to tell her back off on the white diamond. I think I had the nanny who speaks her tongue, tell her no mas with the white diamonds. No mas. And she took one week off of the white diamonds and then doubled down the next week. And I came back in and it's this thing where it's like, I thought we had this discussion that was just for last week. So we do have to renew this discussion every fucking. This super uncomfortable discussion every fucking weekend. So she got fired. And then the other chick who wants to start in the kitchen, there's Ozzy and his woman. I guarantee. I know she wants to start in the kitchen. I know it makes sense for her to start in the kitchen. All I'm saying is, is that window's about 45 minutes. Just go fucking pick up the swifter and hit the living room for that section and then slide in. Got the conversation last week, back in the kitchen this week. Now what do I do? I say nothing? Do I complain? I don't want to take it out on her, but he already said it once. What should I shut up? How does it work? And you guys Would be pissed too if you walked in your kitchen. There's a strange lady.

[Allison Rosen]

I would have the conversation again.

[Adam Carolla]

You would? You have.

[Giovanni]

It takes 21 days for any new habit to form.

[Barry Eisler]

You know what I'm saying?

[Giovanni]

You got to do it for a couple weeks.

[Allison Rosen]

You got to factor in the menstrual cycle.

[Giovanni]

I'll put you back a week ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, mine are hers because I'm spotting. I'm so mad. She completely surrounded my coffee maker like it was a Stratego game. With glasses pulled from the. From the, from the washing machine the other day. Just like I couldn't get to the coffee pot cuz I was going to knock over some stem.

[Allison Rosen]

What would a covert CIA operative do in that situation?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Barry.

[Allison Rosen]

Where the enemy has the coffee barricaded.

[Barry Eisler]

Well, I just put an espresso machine in my bedroom.

[Adam Carolla]

In my bedroom. I should barricade myself in there.

[Barry Eisler]

I'm big on workarounds.

[Adam Carolla]

You know the guy with the Jew fro and the bad attitudes upstairs? He's asleep and he's gonna come down the kitchen like any minute now. It's pretty easy. I don't sleep till noon. I'm not up at 6:30. It's right in a sweet spot. Why do you want to be in the kitchen just screaming at one of your girlfriends?

[Allison Rosen]

People who are afraid of you. So yeah, Mr. Carolla. And then she gets out of the way.

[Barry Eisler]

I think it's that semi tumescence you're sporting.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Barry Eisler]

I think that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Could be. Or good beer.

[Barry Eisler]

What the lawyers call an attractive nuisance.

[Adam Carolla]

Could be just a straight pheromone problem. Hey, there's a lot more than meets the eye.

[Barry Eisler]

I feel bad I didn't answer Brian's question. How did we get noticed? No, it's okay.

[Giovanni]

Which is what?

[Barry Eisler]

Well, look, I don't want to. As I said, I can go on about this, but I wrote a whole book on this which is available for free download on my website. I wrote it with a buddy of mine, novelist J. A. Konrath. And the book is called Be the Monkey. It's all about the new world of digital publishing. So it answers all your questions, including how do I get noticed if I've never. I'm not Bill Clinton and I've never had a legacy deal. Never had a bestseller or even a book. How am I going to make it in self publishing? We talk a lot about that kind of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Toss your website out, by the way. Oh, it's barryisland.come I s l e r.com is where you can go. And how did the whole part about the CIA work out? I mean, how'd you get into that? Tell us about that.

[Barry Eisler]

I would like to tell you. I got recruited. Like.

[Allison Rosen]

Like to recruit?

[Barry Eisler]

Exactly. I saw that movie with my wife, and the whole time I was saying, yeah, that's. That's how it was. That's how it was. I was very interested in the world. I was in law school. This is about 1988. I was reading a lot about history, geopolitics, things like that.

[Adam Carolla]

1988. That's right. That's all you ever hear.

[Barry Eisler]

I've never been Rickrolled on the radio.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, Pretty cool. So you're listening to Little Rick Ass Master. Oh, come on. And. Yeah, tell the story. We can do it with Rick.

[Barry Eisler]

Let me see if I can. Let me see if I can do this. So I went to the career center at my college and picked up a brochure and called an 800 number and took a test.

[Adam Carolla]

Just like the movie.

[Barry Eisler]

Exactly. Al Pacino is there. And one thing led to another. Polygraph. Background tests, Background check.

[Adam Carolla]

How'd the polygraph work? Did you. Hold on.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you put a thumbtack in your shoe?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Did you find it was pretty accurate? Did they ever tell you how it worked out or. They just said.

[Barry Eisler]

The polygraph is an interesting experience because the people who administer the polygraph are selected for their notable lack of a humor gene. They have no sense of humor whatsoever. And so for me, that presents a little bit of a challenge. And at one point, the polygraph administrator, you know, you're hooked up, they've got blood pressure cuff on you and a heart rate monitor and something to measure sweat on your palms, galvanic skin response. All these things to check on indicia of deception. And at one point, the guy said to me, are you now or have you ever been a member of an organization that seeks the violent overthrow of the US Government? So I said, is there any way a guy can answer that question, yes, and still get the job? Which I thought was kind of funny and, you know, break the ice kind of thing. And he just looked at me as though I was a bug. So I said, you know, like, yes, but I was very drunk, and I called the next day, said this was a mistake or young. At the time, I didn't really know what I was doing. And the whole time he's just looking at me like a bug because they're all.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a very tense situation, and you want to cut the tension with Humor. But every question they ask you has to feel like the setup to a punchline, right? I mean, it's almost a knock, knock especially.

[Barry Eisler]

Yes, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Barry Eisler]

That's not how I passed.

[Adam Carolla]

We had a guy who used to administer. Administer those guys over there.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember?

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. Personality no lie MRI guy? Yeah, he never said a word.

[Giovanni]

Used to have them do, like, morning announcements in the morning zoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're the straightest dudes in the world. I think the guys who handle. I think the only guys who may have less personality than the MRI guys are the polygraph guys, are the guys who handle the police dogs, the guys who just roll alone, the canine dudes where their partner is a dog. But believe me, that ain't Jim Belushi we're talking about there. Hell of a movie.

[Giovanni]

Stenographers too, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Court reporters.

[Giovanni]

No sense of humor. Never a smile.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Cannot judge. Serious business dude. Impossible to judge. Hey, you want to buy the book? Let's say. Let me say this. Maybe you buy Barry's book and you hate it and you want to send it back. You need postage, right? Smoothstamps.com.

[Barry Eisler]

Not if you. Not if you bought it by digital download.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, damn.

[Giovanni]

What if you hate it so much you want to send your whole Kindle back?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you want to send a whole Kindle back. I'm done with the question mark. Why go to the post office? Why? I mean, unless you're like Barry and you're there to scout out some of the, you know, America's most wanted.

[Barry Eisler]

Adam, I should tell you, too. In the end, I didn't self publish the book. Amazon got. Amazon heard that I'd walked away from the big money and I was going to self publish it. They contacted me and said, this is really interesting, and we think there's something cool we can do together where you can get everything you want from self publishing the book. And we will also put our marketing muscle behind it. And it's a great deal. I call it a kind of hybrid deal because it's the best of self publishing and also the best of having a big marketing partner on your side. And they have blown the book out. It came out on September 15th in digital, October 18th in paper. And I mean, I was a New York Times bestseller before the Detachment, but my sales for the Detachment are far beyond anything else I've ever had published.

[Allison Rosen]

So is the name of the publisher. Amazon.

[Barry Eisler]

Amazon, Amazon Publishing. And they have an imprint. They have several imprints now, but one of them, Thomas and Mercer, is their mystery and Thriller imprint. So Thomas and Mercer published the book. And again, they have just done a phenomenal job of getting the word out. I've never sold so much of any one of my titles.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is, this is win, win, definitely. This is like a big studio saying you can make a movie, but we're going to leave you alone. But we'll distribute the movie.

[Barry Eisler]

Exactly what it's like.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Wow. And all I got is stamps.com. they got an offer that's even better than I don't know what Amazon offered you, but did they offer you a free digital scale?

[Barry Eisler]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they did not.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they offer you 45 bucks worth of free postage?

[Barry Eisler]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

And then think so, smart guy, I blew it. And I'm an extra 10 bucks for free postage Only if you use moi when you enter the promo code. Adam. That's right. Go to stamps.com.

[Giovanni]

Go kick yourself, Barry.

[Barry Eisler]

I can't believe I didn't ask for those things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it seems sweet a few minutes ago. You guys are nice. I still feel bad. Digital scale. That's right. No more trips to the post office. You get your own. How the deal's worth it just to keep the scale. Go to stamps.com. click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Type In, Adam, that's stamps.com. it's a good looking scale. I'm now looking at. I've never seen it. Digital stamps.com, one of our fine, fine sponsors, Barry Iser, everyone. Well, he's doing fine, but him doing a little better. Go to his website, barryisor.com youm can Twitter him at barryizer. You can check out the book. Amazon, I'm guessing, has it over there. And speaking of Amazon. Oh my God. Win, win, win and more win. You go to Amazon, you're gonna get Barry's book. You click through our website, you hit the banner for Amazon and pow. Beak wet, crotch moist. That's right, we get a little love too. So you buy Barry's book, you stick it to the man, you help us keep the pirate ship afloat.

[Barry Eisler]

Come on, people. Share the love.

[Adam Carolla]

Share the love, people. And available in the UK and Canada. We're now up too as well. So that's. You're gonna get some on Amazon, do a little Christmas shopping, do a little turkey shopping. Boom. Go through our website, show us a little love. So until next time, this is Adam Crow for Ball Bryant, Barry Eisler, Allison Rose and say in mahalo, hey baby. I don't go for shit in a Can on Thanksgiving. All right, that's Adam Kulishow, 700.

[Giovanni]

Coming next, we have Adam Kulishow, 704, Brian D3.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison Rosen. Brian Bishop, 2010.

[Giovanni]

Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the show, everybody. Welcome, Bald Brian. Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you. Hey, you want to suck cock? Knock it off.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's that from? I don't recall that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you, pretty lady.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Let's see. What do we got going for? Just had a wrestle with the kids. That's always nice. Had a rough wrestle.

[Allison Rosen]

Really? Horseplay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Rough horseplay.

[Allison Rosen]

I wouldn't call it that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

How'd it go? Who won?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Natalia. Natalia wins. Natalia has a game that Natalia never gets tired of. And I never get tired of it either, because she never gets tired of it. You know, she's delighted by it. I put her on my shoulders or I throw.

[Allison Rosen]

Daddy, stop talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Natalia doesn't. You know, you can set her on your head like a turban and put your hands by her side. She doesn't do anything. If you do it with Sonny, you get the father. Father, you know, and for some reason, he calls me father. I can't get over it. It's the weirdest thing in the world, which is he just, you know, comes up, and I go, hello, Father. And I go, why are you calling me father? Where'd you get father? I've never called my father father. I've never had anyone call him Mr. Carolla call me father. Yeah, it's dad. It's not father. I don't know where that comes from. I don't know who taught it to him. He's always done it. She doesn't do it. He does it. And it's cute, because when he does, mother, he does a mudder, like a paper boy from the 30s, you know, like a Bowery boy.

[Giovanni]

Hello, mudder. Hello, fodder.

[Adam Carolla]

Extry. Extry.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's over in Camp Granada. So I got her up on my head there, prancing around the room with her up on my. She sits on my head, basically, of prance about. And what she likes to do is she likes to walk by the ceiling fan and spin it with her hand. And then she'll go, daddy, stop talking. Stop talking. The fan's on. The fan's on. And I'll go, what? The fan's on. Who turned that fan on? Well, let me shut that fan off. And then I go across the room to where the switch is, and I see that it's off. And I went, well, someone must have come in here and turned this on. And then turned it off again. And then she goes, yeah, you know, and then. And then we. She guides me, you know, like she's riding a horse. You know, she kind of leans or Jet Ski or something. She guides me back over to the. To the fan again, and she spins it again. And then she says, daddy, the fan's on again. And we can do this an infinite number of times. And that's probably how I tore my meniscus. I just wore it out doing the stupid fan trick. And I go, whoa, who turned that fan on? And then I go. And then, you know, I put my head down the hall and go, whoever's coming in here turning this fan on and off better knock it off now. And then we come back in, and then she does it again. And then at a certain point, I do the thing where I start walking to the fan, and then I can feel her start to reach for it, and I go, what, is someone out the window? And then I go over to the curtain and I feel her leaning, going. And then, daddy, come this way. And I'll go, what? This way? And I'll start heading toward it, and then I'll turn the other way and I'll figure it out that I'll just get out of hand's reach for her to spin the fan and go there and play confused. And I can see her and feel her struggling. And it's weird with kids. I guess it's kind of like bad dreams that they know bad dreams aren't real, but they feel real and thus they're into it. And I'm sure Even at age 5, she knows there's a part of Daddy that knows that the fan's not on, but it doesn't matter to her. Whereas to you it would matter. It would be kind of screwed up. If you're fucking around with somebody and they kind of knew what was going on, that'd be the whole point, right? For them, there's this weird blurry line between reality and who gives a shit? And they walk it every day. That's what makes movies so great when you're a kid, right? Because now you go to movies and even if they're really good, you're still thinking, who's the budget on this band? Ryan Reynolds got himself in the shape for this one, didn't he? You know, he had a trainer. I bet the studio pays for that trainer. You know, the studio pays for it. I bet they have a guy on set. Yeah, they're getting the money's worth. Yeah, I'll tell you that. I wonder what Reynolds gets out of this. I wonder if he's got some back end on this thing. And meanwhile, three quarters of the movie just went past while I was trying to worry about his back end and his front end as well. See, I also, this isn't a game. This is my life.

[Allison Rosen]

When you're a little kid too, there's such an appreciation of playfulness and attention. And even if she knows you're, you know, that you actually know what's going on, the fact that you're willing to play the game with her and that she can predict how you're gonna act, I think that's thrilling as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Brian Dietzen, by the way, from ncis, the TV series. My God, what has the NCIS franchise pulled in over the last nine years on television? Four, three, four shows, A book, a billion. It's. It's sickening. Anyway, he's gonna come in, I think Larry Miller's doing an arc on that show. So he'll come in and tell us how hunky Mark Harmon is when he's in person. Mark Harmon, you want to talk about a guy who, you want to talk about a guy who's had a pretty good run, starts off as UCLA quarterback, you know, in the 70s, like in the early 70s, and then just goes right into one of those. I'm so goddamn good looking, I have to do something in front of the camera. I don't even get the feeling like Mark Harmon, his first love probably wasn't acting because you're not playing quarterback at the college level. If your first love is acting, your.

[Allison Rosen]

Face is too perfect for the, the sport out of here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're just too good looking to, to not be filmed. Somebody must film you. And then so he does, you know, he does his movies and all that kind of stuff and he, and then he just at that point where your sort of career could kind of either end or kind of, you're at that point where your career could go one way or the other. Like, it's like, all right, it's kind of getting to that point where a lot of people are sort of sunsetting their career. Boom. This is this little thing called NCIS comes around and puts another kabillion dollars in your bank account for the next.

[Allison Rosen]

10 years, I dare say. And we're looking at a photo of him now and him then. I think he's more attractive now.

[Adam Carolla]

And that ain't even then because there's Mark Harmon. I mean, Mark Harmon could be coming up on 60 years of age. I mean, he played, I think at UCLA in the mid or earlier 70s. And we're looking at Mark Harmon, you know, 80s, early 90s, 80s or something like that. There's a Mark Harmon. Boy, I'm going gay for Mark Harmon. But there's a 70s Mark Harmon too. Like a blonde. That's a Tom Cruisey Mark Harmon. There's a younger Mark Harmon.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, like a Leif Garrett Mark Harmon.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a Leif Garrett Mark harmon from the 70s. And then there's a Tom Cruise Mark harmon from the 80s.

[Allison Rosen]

So many varieties.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and there's a Don Johnson Mark Harmonies from. What year is this? From 80. Can you read that? September.

[Giovanni]

Don't act. You don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I got it in my car.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the COVID of Playgirl. The 8th annual 10 Sexiest Men in America.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this. If I'm a dude and I'm spanking it to Playgirl because I dig other dudes, which is who looks at Playgirl back when Playgirl existed, I'm going to have the same complaint that I had about Playboy, which is you don't put Lonnie Anderson on the COVID unless Lonnie Anderson is in that fucking magazine and naked. Because that's what it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Damn straight.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, look, let's face it. There's a certain implication and promise made to the buyer when he sees Bernadette Peters on the front that he's going to see some Bernadette Peter ass when he gets in there.

[Giovanni]

Truth and advertising, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, there's no such thing as a Road and Track or Car and Driver or. Or, you know, a cat fancy magazine.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't have some pussy inside.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, good point. I mean, you show me a Tabby on the COVID I'm gonna show you an eight page spread on said Tabby.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly. So I expect some Harmon balls. If I see Mark Harmon on the.

[Adam Carolla]

COVID of Playgirl, I want Harmon balls And said Tabby. That's right, said Tabby. Sounds like he's a temperamental actor from the 30s. Have he worked with Sid Tabby? He stormed off the set again.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Said his martini was too dry.

[Allison Rosen]

Said Tabby, he's getting a hot shave. That's the kind of guy who would do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. He once put a cigar out on his assistant because he woke him up before noon on a Sunday.

[Giovanni]

He flung his monocle, Abby, and stormed off.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, said Tabby.

[Allison Rosen]

But not to Fear. He left his timepiece here, right? So he'll have to come back.

[Adam Carolla]

He'd show up with, like, the scarf and the fedora. Ascot and the ascot. Yeah, Ascot and scarf and kerchief and.

[Allison Rosen]

Aviator glasses as if he's flying.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

And those pants with their. Like, aviator pants.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Way. Oh. Oh. Like the riding. Like the riding kind.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Jodhpurs, like the 20s. Yeah. 20 style. Yeah. And the high boots.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. He thinks his billfold doesn't stink.

[Adam Carolla]

And he'd tell you that he's personal friends with Howard Hughes, but you've never seen them together, and you don't get the idea that they'd hang out, you know?

[Giovanni]

Calls him Howie.

[Allison Rosen]

Is said Tabby, short for something said Tabby. Mina Ced.

[Adam Carolla]

Cedric would probably be his name, but his father's name is Cedric and he despises it. Don't you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Cedric is my father. That's what he says.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I'm Mr. Tabby. Oh, wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

The other Cedric the Entertainer would have been his father. Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I think we fucked that one out officially. What year did Harmon play over there? 70. 71 through 75 or something like that. We'll figure it out.

[Allison Rosen]

Guess who knows a little something about football now?

[Adam Carolla]

Said Tabby.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, he knows a lot, but I know just a little bit because my boyfriend tried to explain the game to me, and I think some of it soaked in.

[Adam Carolla]

Not at all.

[Giovanni]

Did he explain it conceptually or did he explain, like, who's who in the NFL or college or whatever?

[Allison Rosen]

He showed me a picture of the ball and he said, the kick it. No, he. I don't know. There was some game, and then we had to watch it, and then there was a lot of freezing of the screen and pointing out people, and now I know where an end zone is.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. 73.

[Allison Rosen]

And the whole running out of bounds.

[Adam Carolla]

73, by the way, in 74, he found a mirror and went, this all right? Yeah, man, I don't know. 72. Yeah. So he's. He's knocking on. He's knocking on 50 there. Oh, and then some. Yeah, way over 50.

[Giovanni]

My dad was in college.

[Adam Carolla]

Was, you know, around the same time. Sorry, I meant 60. Well, I said he was 60. Right. Born in Burbank.

[Giovanni]

Bingo.

[Adam Carolla]

Bingo.

[Giovanni]

Good one.

[Adam Carolla]

Right around the corner. Hey, kids, it's that time of year. Guess who's on board again. Proflowers. That's right. What do these guys do? How do they get such amazing deals? This week only Santa's Workshop Mini Christmas tree. Just $19.99 comes in a free festive tin. I don't know how they provide so much for $19.99. Stuff used to cost a lot. It doesn't cost anything anymore. You get colorful lights on this baby. 12 free wooden ornaments. This kind of thing actually would be nice on a work desk.

[Giovanni]

Hey, let's get one in here in the studio.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they smell good.

[Giovanni]

Fit perfectly, right? Pine smell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I like the pine smell. Especially when Allison gets gassy.

[Giovanni]

That's what that is.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt the Porcelain Punisher Fondelier comes in here. That man's angry at Porcelain. His ass hates porcelain. They're like sworn enemies.

[Allison Rosen]

Hate the ass in your penis. Porcelain doesn't stand a chance.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're like the snake in the Mongol. The go at it in the ball.

[Giovanni]

The Batman and Robin of porcelain enemies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they're sworn enemies. There's also an upgrade. You can upgrade to a larger angel and snowflake ornament and white lights for just 10 bucks more. Still under 30 bucks. Nice gift. Good guys, good sponsors. 800 pro flowers. I always wonder, should I give the one, 800, because that's stupid. You could figure that out, right?

[Allison Rosen]

No, there's someone out there right now.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Allison Rosen]

One, especially my mom.

[Adam Carolla]

One, 800. You mention Ace and you get the deal, or you go to proflowers.com good sponsors. And we share with these folks. So let's show them some love. Click on the microphone, top right corner, and type in ace. Ace. Ace. Don't wait. They sell out every year. All right, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You got. You got some news, baby girl? The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes times as bad as Alison.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison. Bill Maher went on the View a couple weeks ago, and this is a story that I wanted to get to Elizabeth Hasselback. Confronted him about some things that had been bothering her. And we have some video from this. I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this.

[G]

And I just want to go back to a time that actually bothered me just for not my own personal reasons, but just. So forgive this idiotic Republican for bringing this to your brilliant mind, but in February of last year, Laura Logan, as you recall, was in Egypt, and she was brutally attacked by a mob there. She came back and said, their hands raping me over and over again, tearing my body in every direction, trying to Tear off chunks of my skull. I was, in no doubt, in the process of dying. Now, prior to her coming back, Bill, you on your show said, now that Mubarak has released Lara Logan, he must put her intrepid hotness on a plane immediately. In exchange, we will send Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Now, that's fine if you want to laugh, but I make it my job and profession. I sit with incredible comedians and the best in the business in terms of broadcasting. You can't sit here right now and tell me I'm wrong for saying that wasn't that funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, we do a comedy show for an audience that's perhaps different. Thank you very much. But for perhaps different than your audience. And, you know, I mean, you are a public figure. It was not aimed at you personally. But when you are a public figure, you're out there and you're fodder for comedians to make comments on you. You.

[G]

Do you draw the line ever? I mean, there's so. There's nothing in you that's a little.

[Adam Carolla]

I do draw the line, but I also live on the line. You know, I do a different kind of show. I'm on hbo. That's my stock and trade.

[G]

You do something different as a comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

That we walk the ledge.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it's not easy. It's like you make a joke some.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're not always right.

[Allison Rosen]

People's feelings get hurt, and then they attack us back.

[G]

Would you say that again? Knowing what, you know, what you.

[Adam Carolla]

What you have to. What you have to know is that somebody has to be out on the edge to know where the edge is.

[G]

Oh, thanks for being the hero, I guess. But I'm just saying, would you say, you can answer this question? Would you say that again? You know, what does that same trade of women say? If you're so supportive of women?

[Adam Carolla]

I was coming here and had to, like, I spend my whole segment talking about it. No, I would really, wouldn't, really wouldn't be worth it. But, you know, worse things have happened to people. I went through years of bawa wawa. I survived.

[G]

My feelings weren't hurt. I'm speaking on behalf of women. We don't trade women in this country. It shouldn't be a global issue. And quite frankly, I know it's funny. I work with funnies. That wasn't funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Stop it. Who does she work with? Funny. Stop it.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Well, sometimes she doesn't work.

[Allison Rosen]

She goes on Hannity's show.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Hannity's funny. I didn't say get rid of it. Are we? Are we.

[Allison Rosen]

This is almost the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Are we able to pause? Are we able to pause things? Because if you have a four minute segment, I gotta talk and then we gotta pause. Boy, let's see, break this down. I'm just looking at body language. First off, Whoopi's completely out of it. I'm convinced. She just. You know what she did? She did that thing on her methadone drip where she just flicked. She flicked the tube just a little that's going into her ankle as it.

[Allison Rosen]

Get out of the air bubble.

[Adam Carolla]

But really, let's go. Move it along. I need a little methadone here. She just said, fuck it. She's like, I can't stand this bitch. It's impossible to take women and put them together and have them work in any way, shape or form without them all hating each other.

[Allison Rosen]

True.

[Adam Carolla]

Evidently, their menses are usually fans of one another's and the eggs start dropping about the same time. But they all hate each other. And I know Whoopi hates. I know she has to hate her.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure she hates her. And I imagine she's not down with attacking comedians for their jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. On the other hand, she said, knowing what you know now. So this is before he knew what happened to Laura Logan, who I do like.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, well, I like her.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, did he. She said, knowing what you know now.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what the implication was knowing what you know now. I mean, that would. I guess that he made the joke.

[Adam Carolla]

After she came back. Right. And the story was kind of out.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? No, you're right. She came back and then it took a little while for the whole story of what actually happened to her to come out.

[Adam Carolla]

There was some initial sort of whispers of some sexual whatever, but then it. Then she came. But then the real discussion came out at a certain point. So maybe there was a knowing what you know now or whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

But to me, that doesn't even have a bearing on what he said, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the, the thing is he gets to make jokes, and when you make jokes, names get thrown out because being specific is funny and being vague is unfunny. So you saying we should take a cute, annoying blonde and send her in Laura Logan's place does not get a laugh. But you filling it in with Kathie Lee Gifford or somebody gets a laugh. That's how jokes are constructed. That way they're specific. Saying this guy could lift a car is not as good as this guy could Lift a Buick. I don't know why. Even, even in the description before you get to the punchline. So you have to put in somebody's name. And the problem is there's gonna be a car, there's gonna be a person, there's going to be a beverage, there's going to be a restaurant, and at some point Denny's is gonna get pissed and Mountain Dew is gonna get pissed and Elizabeth, Elizabeth Hasbut's gonna get pissed and Buick's gonna get pissed. Because why'd you have to say bu. We don't try, we don't have, we don't have anything to do with terrorism or whatever. We don't support whatever. Of course you don't. Now, that's the deal. And on the other hand, you took something that was, you know, I do agree that certain things are, you know, I don't know if you want to call them off limits. I'd hate to call anything off limits. I just think when there's that kind of violence and that impact. And again, you can do whatever you want with your jokes. To me, it's more fun to pick on stronger people than it is to beat up weaker people. But Hasselbeck's fine. She's cute. She makes a few million bucks a year. She's on the View, they air their laundry on a daily basis. She's open to it. And yeah, he does that. But the thing I love is, I've heard Bill Maher interviewed before where he has gotten kind of put on the spot where somebody says, you call yourself a libertarian, but you're really just a Democrat. And he makes it, he says, well, no, I'm not, because this, that and the other. And then the guy asked him a follow up question and he gets about two questions in before Mars just like, hey man, I didn't come here to defend myself. I came here to plug my book. So I can tell. And Mars one of these guys that's kind of prickly. You can tell. The second she said, I got a bone to pick with you, he was like, all right, sweet tits, you got about 15 seconds here. And then at a certain point, when she got to minute number four, he was like, God damn it. And he's going through his Rolodex. Think of all the people he's got a fire, the publicist and his booking agent and all the other people. And at a certain point he's wanting to kill her. And he's realizing, all right, he's walked into this den, the den of the coups. And he's not gonna escape with his balls if he fucking shouts out, shut up, cunt. So he's gonna have to just sit there and kind of take it. And then he does that thing where he offers up a half hearted sort of explanation, not really an apology and an attempt to move on, but she's not gonna let it go. And now Barbara and Whoopi, but now.

[Allison Rosen]

They'Re all starting to take his side.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's body language is like, we hate. You see, the thing, the thing with Elizabeth is she has no goodwill. She has not built up any goodwill with the other people. So, you know, she's on Whoopi's last nerve, enjoys the last nerve and everyone's last nerve constantly. So the second she goes longer than her allotted 21 seconds of talking, there are already pissed off whatever she's talking about. And then when she gets preachy, and then other comedians always have to. They can never, they can never let an opportunity go by where they explain that they walk the line and they walk the edge and there's nothing, you know, I always hate comedians when they do. There's nothing more difficult than getting out there alone with a microphone and trying. There's nothing harder in show business. Like somebody decided by the way. Somebody decided in a certain point, like, there's nothing more difficult in sports than putting a round bat on a round ball. And it's like, yes, there is. Dunking a basketball is a fuck of a lot harder because I can hit a baseball and I can't fucking dunk a basketball. And I could speak with for many other white dudes that cannot dunk a basketball. Somebody just said that. And then every baseball player went, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. No bullshit. They're fat guys in their 40s that can fucking send a softball into orbit and a hardball as well. So that ain't it. But this is one of those things when other comedians go, there's nothing harder than every other comedian. It's like absolutely no one would ever say, well, actually, calypso singing is more difficult. It just is, because people inherently don't like it. And then you got to win them over. You got to win that. And you're wearing a shirt that's not good for singing. So huge sleeves, right? Huge puffy sleeves. And then. And by the way, no front undone to your navel.

[Allison Rosen]

Steel drums competing in the same registers.

[Adam Carolla]

And plus the backup band is stoned off their ass or trunk on Run Rum. Probably drunk on rum.

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine trying to be a calypso singer, but not having a taste for rum.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're like, I want to vo. Press. They're like, get the out of the band.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So anyway, Bill's pissed.

[Allison Rosen]

We're almost at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right, let's hear it. Yes. Whoopee. Wonderful. It's so great to be here on the View and to talk with all of you or one of you and.

[G]

Well, you could talk about me or you can talk to me. I. I think accountability is sometimes important in life. That's. That's what I teach my kids. We can go on now. What else do you feel about the world?

[Allison Rosen]

Even my shut up, bitch button was depressed like a while ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the problem when you're cute, blonde, nobody ever says shut up. So you grow up without that clock. You see, ugly chicks have a shot clock. When they open their mouth, it's going off. It's a 24 second clock that's just going to. And it's, it's, it's not a shot clock, it's a shut clock. It shuts your mouth, bitch. You got 18 more seconds to keep going. By the way, I smell garlic. You've been eating another bagel. The point is this. We will shut your shit down. Cute chicks, their shot clock is all fucking day and into the weekend. There's no one ever goes, why don't you zip it, cunt? No one wants to hear your fucking cute thoughts anymore. And we think it's cool when cute chicks talk, you know? Yeah, that's what it is. It never ends. It's an endless shot clock.

[Allison Rosen]

So wait, you guys actually think it's cool and cute when cute chicks talk, or you just don't want to interfere with the attention and so you just put up with it?

[Adam Carolla]

There's two. There's two.

[Allison Rosen]

How long do I speak for?

[Adam Carolla]

There's two. You got three seconds. If you'd like to roll. I will roll them over to your next one if you'd like.

[Allison Rosen]

Will they roll over after the new year or is it like now?

[Adam Carolla]

You're 31 seconds, so be quiet, please.

[Giovanni]

If you use your timeouts wisely, you can get some good points.

[Allison Rosen]

I need to take a personal seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

Liz Hasselbeck had probably grew up with an unlimited shot clock versus the very limited shut cunt, which is what the ugly chicks have. So sluts don't have that. Chicks have that thing where it's like a chick smoking a cigar is sexy if the chick's hot. If the chick's got fucked up teeth and 50 pounds overweight, it's gross. So it's that kind of thing. Where is a cigar sexy? I don't know who's smoking it and where are they putting it? You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like Amy Winehouse could have gone either way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. That'd be a tough one.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's a handful of chicks, maybe 28 year old Sandra Bernhardt or something, or like where you're like. And then at a certain point you go, I'll start drinking and catch up to you. And then we're cool again.

[Giovanni]

Courtney love.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, 33 year old Courtney Love. Right, right. All right. Anyway, she's obnoxious, but she doesn't know it because she never had to shut up thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's always like an ultra achiever. And on the other hand, you do. If somebody said that. Well, first off, if this show was decent, they would have showed the clip. And maybe she couldn't get her producers to get down with her on that.

[Giovanni]

She probably didn't even clarify anybody. She was gonna bring it up right there Seemed like she sprung on everything.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

True. Yeah. Now they hate her more. But the thing is, you also, if you're sitting next to the guest who did say that about you on his show nine months ago, I mean, it hasn't been a year, not been that long, six months ago. Like, then if you don't bring it up, you're not doing your job in a weird way. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I know what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

If your job here's.

[Allison Rosen]

But I mean, it was a throwaway joke of his. I think if you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, okay, if you're doing a game show, you know, if you're Meredith Vieira, Baxter Vieira, Bernie, and he comes on, you know who Wants to Be a Millionaire? To raise money for pediatric aids and you want to launch into that, then you can't do that, obviously. But if you're doing a show where it's like hot talk and in your.

[Allison Rosen]

Face talk, AKA petty grievances.

[Adam Carolla]

Petty grievances. Then Bill Maher is the thing. Then the point is then if you don't bring it up, you're kind of not doing your job, as obnoxious as it is. Do you see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

You are a Hasselback apologist.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she could have done it in a better way.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know what I mean. I suppose if she had made, which it seems like she did, a stink about it at the time, Then, yes, people are probably expecting her to give him the business.

[Adam Carolla]

So his Hasselbeck line came 11 days before he knew Laura Logan was raped. Typical Republican conflation. Conflation? I didn't know that was a word. Now, I thought that's when you could blow yourself. I don't think I'm quite familiar with.

[Allison Rosen]

That's conflation.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Well, wait a minute. She said, knowing what you know at the time or now?

[Allison Rosen]

Now, knowing what we know now, would you still say it? Yeah. And he. Okay, so this is a tweet that we're looking at speaking of distortions. The Hasselbeck line on real talk on February 4th came 11 days before we knew Lara Logan was raped. Typical Republican conflation. So he's just making it clear that he didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

So here's the thing. He can joke whatever he wants to do, and, yes, he's fine and that, you know, pick the chicks from the View, and that's all good. But I will say in her defense, hey, we're talking about her.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

And this is what happens every time on this show. And he did at least sort of. If he didn't call her hot, he certainly implied it. And maybe he did. And the thing is, if she doesn't bring this up then she's kind of dropping the ball a little bit now. She did it in a pain in the ass kind of way, and she ground the show to a halt and all that. I'm sure in her mind, she pictured it going better. But then imagine if you're her and you're starting to get emails or Twitters or something from people going, hey, remember what Bill Maher said about you? And then he sits right next to you, and then you don't even say anything about it. What are you doing? You just talk to him about his new book. See what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm glad she brought it up. She should bring it up, but then they should do it, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? There's a version of this where you kind of go for it. Like, you get into it. I mean, there's like a Howard Stern version of this where you go, good, he brought it up. I'm glad. You know, let's. Let's roll.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Whereas this was like, the minute that it was out of the bag, it looked like they were all trying to reel it in, except for her.

[Adam Carolla]

This is kind of preachy and stilted. And to be fair to her, she's working with four chicks who hate her guts. So she just walked out onto the edge that they spoke of, and nobody handed her a pole to balance herself or put a net under her or anything that was. Went, have at it, bitch. If they wanted to, they could have turned this into a conversation. I mean, it's a real conversation. What about it? You guys are comedians. What else goes on? And when does someone cross the line with you and Bill? Where is your line? I mean, there was a conversation. She's just not good enough to have it.

[Allison Rosen]

I do have a question, though. You said that people are probably tweeting her and emailing her saying, are you gonna bring this up?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I said if she didn't bring it up, someone would bring it up to her. That's the kind of thing like, she probably. There are things you bring up, and I'm not saying she wanted to or didn't want to, but there's certain things you bring up because you want to and then certain things you bring up because you know, you probably should because you'll get called on it if you don't. Like. That's the worst part about interviewing Monica Lewinsky. Because seriously, like, her thing be no Bill Clinton discussion whatsoever. But you're just thinking, as a person that's interviewing her, I have to say something. Otherwise everyone's gonna fucking say to me afterward, I can't believe you had Monica Lewinsky on. You just fucking talked about her hats.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you deal with that?

[Adam Carolla]

I usually just puss out and go, fuck it.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I don't give a shit either, you know, And I don't. I don't. And I'm not into that. Sending a message, and I don't even know. Like, I don't give a fuck. You can say whatever you want about me, you know, I don't give a shit. And I say shitty stuff about other people all the time, too. Apropos. And I hide.

[Giovanni]

By the way, can we have a quick recap on the Troy Duffy situation?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I've gotten many tweets.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to say this many tweets. I saw Whoopi Goldberg last about three days ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

And I hid. I hid.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys don't. Because you've said so much.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I don't know what she's ever heard of me talking about how horrible she is on that show, and I didn't want to find out. And I was at an event and she was there, and I was one of the guys who was in the event, and I was running around, and as soon as I Saw her. I went and hid.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you hold a tree up and then all we saw were your feet behind the tree.

[Adam Carolla]

It was ficus plant. Yeah. It wasn't a full tree. Tree.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But I did.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what kind of event you're at. You could be at a tree farm.

[Adam Carolla]

It made that noise. When Fred Flinsky goes to release right before he releases his bowling ball. You know where I'm up on my toes and that's the noise I made. Yes, yes, yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is that ficus running? Joseph Ficus just wobbling.

[Adam Carolla]

I just fucking hit. All right. Anyway, Boy. Duffy. Yeah, Troy Duffy.

[Giovanni]

Do we think it's clinically insane?

[Adam Carolla]

Duffy aired a couple weeks ago on this show, and people have been talking about.

[Giovanni]

I've gotten many tweets.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. The general consent. Well, you know, he came onto the show to set, as far as he was concerned, set the record straight. Because you love the documentary Overnight, which is about him and the making of Boondock Saints. And he felt that that very unfairly portrayed him. And I haven't seen it, but I.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta find my book, because he kept saying they loved. Oh, Mike found it When They Were Kings. When We Were Kings. And I don't remember saying that. I like the kid stays in the picture. And When We Were Kings is a great documentary, but I don't remember being nuts about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he had it typed down on a piece of paper, so it must have been true.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. So that part I didn't remember. But it was okay. It was good enough doc that I can remember. And so. So, yeah, Overnight is a. It's a documentary where you do kind of forget how bad it makes him look.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. So he came in to set the record straight. But a lot of people feel like in the course of. Well, according to the tweets, people feel that in the course of doing so, he proved that he kind of is that guy.

[Giovanni]

You did the thing that you talk about, Adam, which is, you know, it's like, how dare you? Why are you breaking up with me? You think I have an anger problem? How dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

Protested too much.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, not protested too much. Show the reasons why you do this thing. You be my boss. You call me into the office because.

[Giovanni]

You know, I'm glad you've come into the office. Close the door there, buddy. We gotta have a talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's make this fast.

[Giovanni]

We gotta talk about your.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you fart in here or does it always smell this way?

[Giovanni]

Well, funny you should mention that.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, let's get going. Because I gotta deal with fantasy. I got a fantasy football gratitude coming up on me.

[Giovanni]

And you have contempt for everyone in this office.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Giovanni]

And you're hard to work.

[Adam Carolla]

Who said that? That and that. Who said that?

[Giovanni]

It's not important. Who said multiple.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, multiple. Multiple who?

[Giovanni]

Doesn't matter who said it.

[Adam Carolla]

If they had a fucking name. If you had a fucking name, you tell me who the fucking person was. All right? That's bullshit.

[Giovanni]

They may have a point.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what that is straight fucking bullshit. That's such fucking bullshit, man.

[Giovanni]

Disagree. You can for file a form, invite it.

[Adam Carolla]

Why would I fucking file my fists in your ass? Fucking cockwell wipe you my bad attitude. That's bullshit. And that part you said earlier in the email about being fucking verbally aggressive. I'll. I'll bury that guy in syllables.

[Giovanni]

Your language has been an issue.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck you. That's such. It's, it's such a. It's. It's like a kindergarten in here, man. Jesus Christ. Who said that? Who said that?

[Allison Rosen]

Again?

[Giovanni]

The attitude is.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Gerald said it. Did he not? Cuz I'll beat the fuck out of him. I'll fucking choke him out with a fucking lamp cord.

[Giovanni]

There's also been reports that you hold grudges.

[Adam Carolla]

Gerald's an asshole. You would have a grudge against an asshole too. Okay? If you don't have a grudge against an asshole, you're an asshole. So fuck you and fuck Gerald. And all I want is three months severance. You can fuck yourself. And are you gonna finish that taco?

[Giovanni]

HR Needs you to fill out some forms.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know who that is. I didn't watch puffin stuff. All right, so you see what I'm saying? And then you go, oh, yeah, that's why we're firing the guy. Like you can kind of tell that about people. And yes, I did have that feeling when Troy was in the middle of his manifesto bout overnight that maybe this is what people are talking about. But he's emailed me a few times he wants to have.

[Allison Rosen]

So I'm gonna put you guys have a love of old knobs and things in common.

[Adam Carolla]

Architecture. Yes, yes. Let's see, over. So I have, in my book, I have Fargo. Oh, let's see. I'll. I'll give you. I'll give you the movies. I've got Little miss Sunshine, which I thought was wildly overrated. Lost in Translation. Wildly overrated. Oh, Tyler Perrin movies. I got Papillon, Love and Death, breaking Away, defending your life, Fargo, Saving Private Ryan election, cars and all the Pixar stuff overnight and no country for Old Men.

[Allison Rosen]

So I think he said on the Sean Flannery episode.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but I don't remember that. I think Sean may have laid that down with him. Well, anyway, anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, so there's.

[Giovanni]

Even if the doc was wildly inaccurate. Even if it was, let's assume the premise was the doc was wildly inaccurate overnight, it's still a great movie because it's like Shakespearean and it's sort of arc is Rise and Fall and everything. I mean, on its own, it's a great movie.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's one of these things where you don't. It's sort of like sitting around with Tom Brady talking about how amazing that super bowl for the Giants win was. And you're like going, it was just a great.

[Allison Rosen]

I know a tiny bit about sports, but this is over my head.

[Adam Carolla]

You're going, it's a great, great game. It was such a great helmet. Cat was crazy, man.

[Giovanni]

David Tyree with the helmet, dominated on defense. Highest scoring team in the league.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys were unbeaten. You're 18 0. You were like a nine and a.

[Giovanni]

Half point favorite out coast and frankly outplayed.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. And an Eli. I mean, we're not talking about Peyton here. Eli Manning, and he was in the grass.

[Giovanni]

Who knew he'd be the best quarterback in the game?

[Adam Carolla]

They should have blown the whistle. He was held down, he was stopping. Yet he found a way, like.

[Allison Rosen]

And, and everyone knows what you guys are implying by this. Everyone else. They probably do. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And so the point is, is you are naively explaining to Tom Brady what a great game that was that he was in, except for the promises he lost.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, got it. People also thought. No, I actually. I actually began to realize that was where that was going.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

People also thought he was a bit of a dick to me. Now. I didn't feel like he was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, you made the mistake of asking a question, but go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know. How dare I try to pin him down as to what he means? This has happened a couple times where I won't realize it. And then other people make those comments and I wonder, was I just not picking up on it or are other people reading something into it that wasn't there because he was perfectly nice to me on his way out.

[Caller]

You shut your mouth when you're talking about me, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. I didn't find. He. He was. He didn't answer your question or he didn't feel like answering a question or whatever. Whatever it was.

[Allison Rosen]

Questions.

[Adam Carolla]

I was kind of tuned out, honestly. But I don't think he was mean. I don't think he had any beef with him or anything. No, he's just, you know, he's got. Got some wind in his sail. That's all.

[Allison Rosen]

He had a lot of paragraphs written on his manifesto that he wanted to get to.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't get. He didn't get to all of them.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, he didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. At a certain point, you know, to bring it on home.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So there's a doll that's being sold at Toys R Us, which evidently it says a curse word. What it says is, you're crazy, bitch. Or it just sounds like that. So there are people who are up in arms and there's a lawyer who's like, trying to make Toys R Us, not carry this doll. We have a video that shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember there was one that talked about. Do you remember this? We're so out of stuff to talk about. Remember about four years ago or so, there was one that said, you're about as smart as a black hole. But it sounded like black ho and like, black groups were upset. And it's like, yeah, but do you think that's what Mattel had in mind? Like, remember there was a black. I think it was black hole, but it sounded like black ho or something. But it didn't really sound like it. Mike remembers. Yeah, it was a greeting card. It was for graduates. And it was something about, you know, watch out for black holes because you're.

[Brian Dietzen]

Going to the stars or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. But, yeah, the local, I think, was. NAACP was furious. They had to have a. You know, they had to have a press conference about the greeting card, and then they put it in.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the crazy bitches are up in arms over this.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing that's crazy about our fucking society is I was watching this and I saw it on the news a few weeks back, and they do that thing where they go, there's a doll that has a phrase. And then they're like, show the doll. But they can't say the phrase, so you don't know what the fuck it is. So then it's not a news story because you can't say what it is on your stupid TV station. And that happens all the time.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't say it on cunt tv.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, so have you heard the doll say it, though?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it used to drive Jack Silver.

[Giovanni]

Lots of things.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it used to drive Jack Silver Insane is whenever the def frat guy would come on, he would talk about Poochie's uncle. And he was working over. He was on the sales side. He wasn't on the artistic side or the broadcast side.

[Giovanni]

He knew a lot about radio.

[Adam Carolla]

He knew a lot about radio. He said our show was dangerously close to being overproduced. But he used to critique us on the radio all the time. And I always used to ask him, what station did Poochie's uncle work for? And he'd say, he worked for K unit. Kunt, back in. Back in the day. And so it would be that thing where it's like Jackson would start running from his office and running toward the thing every time he would. And I never even caught on. Like, when someone goes. He worked. First off, K Unit sounds like they're all horrible names like the Planet and stuff like that. These are ridiculous fucking horrible names. Kunit sounds like it. By the way, all the. You know, all the stations out here were always kmet, kmet, you know, and all that kind of stuff. The Met, you know, so it's like K Unit. And then he'd go, K U N T. And it was like, all right. And it struck me later on, he's basically spelling Kunta in the air over and over.

[Giovanni]

Jackman was doing the slow motion 80s run.

[Adam Carolla]

Good guy, Good guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Do we have this doll video?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Okay. K Unit.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I think maybe we don't have it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

No, we do.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we're as bad as they are.

[Allison Rosen]

There it is.

[Adam Carolla]

We understand that Toys R Us has been notified about the appropriate language used by this doll and even agreed to pull the doll from the shelf. However, it is still offering the doll for sale. Parents and others purchasing gifts for their children. Children should be warned about the language coming from this doll. We again call on Toys R Us to remove this doll.

[Giovanni]

People are rednecks.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy seems like such a loose sort of free spirit party guys. He would be uptight, like he just stepped out of a high. It has become apparent to us that. That toys are us. They always hit something wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, us are us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now I understand humor and I understand shows like Seinfeld were funny, but this is not funny. This is inappropriate. I love it when people don't have a sense of humor. Explain how they have a sense of humor and how they appreciate a sense of humor.

[Giovanni]

It's a great show, a lot of.

[Adam Carolla]

Fun, but this is not funny. So you go, okay, so you've given your credentials as a yardstick to Measure. Fun. And now you can tell me. Guess what? This isn't funny. I always like that. Hey, I like to laugh. Just like everyone. I have a unique and well versed sense of humor. I enjoy comedy sketch and comedy skits and improv troops. Yeah, I was a Jeff Foxworthy fan a long time. I'm talking 88, okay? Long time before everyone else got on.

[Giovanni]

Said bandwagon when he was doing his underground shit.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. When he was up there with a steno pad and horn rimmed glasses, wearing a beret and smoking. Okay. I was there for that. I was there for his largo days, okay? So I have a sense of humor. This is not funny. We asked that they pull these dolls from the shelves. And by the way, you can just say pull up. You don't have to say where they're at. You know what I mean? Because.

[Giovanni]

Stock room, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, because you pull them from the shelves and then put them out front and display or where should put them?

[Allison Rosen]

In a kiosk in the end cap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. We asked that they remove these from their shelves. I mean, it's always the dumb. Dumb people like to talk. It's the extra cop talk. This guy actually had the cop talk rhythm. Sure. What I'm gonna need you to do for me, okay, right now, is to go ahead and remove the bitch dolls from your shelves. Okay? Right now. Could you go ahead and do. I like to. Go ahead. I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and remove those bitch dolls from the shelves. Okay. Right now for me. Extra super cop talk, right? It's, it's, it's. It's dumb people buying time.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm trying to. Is there ever. When do you actually need to add. Go ahead. In front of an order to do something.

[Adam Carolla]

Gonna need you to go ahead and turn around for me right now so I can go ahead and pat you down. Okay. Right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I didn't need it.

[Adam Carolla]

They do it. They do it at the airport all the time. Go ahead, turn around. I told you I was at the fucking Air. I was at Burbank and the guy was giving me the pat down thing and he did the. Okay, I'm gonna ask you to go ahead and put your arms out for me, okay? Right now. And I, you know, put my arms down and he goes. And I'm asking you to go ahead and turn around. And then he paused and he went real quick, like I'm in the process of revolving. Can you wait another three tenths of a second? Fucking barney five. So I can come around. Where's the real quick part? And by the way, if I did make a real quick, like. If you just. What? If you just said real quick. I'd be fucking maced in the parking lot if I did a real quick helicop move.

[Giovanni]

Like sudden motions.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like, like all of a sudden I'm a. I'm a linebacker and I'm back, you know, my feet chopping, working that. Working. Dropping into my hook zone. Yeah. Real quick. What? Real quick. Just let a beat of silence happen between the two of us so that I can come around. We're not fucking. Yeah, not yet.

[Allison Rosen]

Not real quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead and. Need you to turn around for me. Okay. Right now. Go ahead and put your arms out. Okay. For me right now. And what I'm gonna need you to do is go ahead and. Yes. I don't like the. For me, that has nothing to do. I mean, these guys are retarded. Close cousins to the. Have a good day now. Now.

[Allison Rosen]

I was gonna save pressure for when I'm having a bad day. There's also a lot of go ahead and. For me, when you're getting any sort of X rays. And I'm remembering I had, after I got my braces off, many years ago, I had dental X rays. And she kept putting the like, thing in my mouth and saying, cardboard. Yeah, and saying, okay, bite easily. So I did. And then she's like, no, bite easily. Like, I chomped through like four of those until I realized she was saying bite gently.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

Doesn't bite easily. What would you think that means?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go ahead and eat you. Stop talking.

[Allison Rosen]

Good one. That's the news.

[Adam Carolla]

And Rosen, put your lips together, breathe through your nose. Right now. That was the news with Allison Rosen. I don't know why it's cracking me up. Why don't you stop talking? Ask you to take your flappers there and just go ahead and put them together right now and zip for me. Okay? Okay. Right now let's go ahead and turn around for me real slow. Now why don't we take a five minute break. Gently. No, gentle.

[Allison Rosen]

Easily.

[Adam Carolla]

Easily. Oh, you mean like easily, like, hey, it's going to be easy. I don't know, It's. It's not a great. Not great usage of verbiage. Right. But I wouldn't chomp down if someone said easily either. But it's a weird. It's weird. Gently would be the word she was going for.

[Allison Rosen]

Or slowly.

[Adam Carolla]

Softly. Or slowly. Or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Easily has no bearing.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have mixed it up with a lovely gingerly.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that would be good. That would be nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Braces. Huh?

[Allison Rosen]

I did have braces.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Teeth look good.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Right now. Hey, what the hell? Oh, Brian Dietzen's here from NCIS. That's right. Man. Great, man, great. 100% made in America. 100% cast iron steakhouse quality grilling right in your own backyard. I love this thing. Ozzy loves this thing. Ozzy called me. I think he said something about how much he loved his man. Great 1999. Who was he trying to say?

[Allison Rosen]

Did he say you crazy?

[Giovanni]

I actually remember what he was saying. Do you guys figure it out?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why I. Martin. It sounds like saying Martin. Why is Martin bien. Oh, what does it mean?

[Giovanni]

He's. He's just. He's reviewing Iron man, right? He's talking about the. The Jeff Bridges character.

[Adam Carolla]

Character. And he's saying he's one smart billionaire, mang. Once you start saying it right with him, you can do it.

[Giovanni]

He's one smart billionaire man.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I speak fluent Aussie too, and I can't even get with that billionaire. Oh, man. Man. Great. That's right. Click on the [e-mail] and order to a exclusive bonus. By the way, you get a heavy duty man great grilling brush. You can scrub them clean and it has animal crawler logo on it. I know. It's a lovely keepsake. I'll tell you what I would do. I'd spend the $19.99, get the man gray. I take the brush out, I'd sell that for 19.99. It's got our logo on it. I'd probably be. I'd get drunk and get on ebay and buy it back. Just going, hey, man, look at that. That's worth 20 bucks. Scored a man grade and you can man grade for free. Great, guys. Great, great sponsor. Been on from the beginning. All right, Brian Dzon here. Quick break. Be right back. Welcome back. Before we get to Brian Dietzon, I should tell everyone. Detroit, Royal Oak Theater tonight. That is Friday, December 2nd, everyone. And park West Chicago tomorrow. And then Denver, paramount theater Sunday, December 4th. Still some tickets available, so come on out. And I'll have after the show. We're chilling. Brian, good to see you.

[Brian Dietzen]

Good to see you too, man. Thanks for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

My pleasure. Have we met?

[Brian Dietzen]

I don't think we have.

[Adam Carolla]

How did that happen?

[Brian Dietzen]

How did we meet?

[Adam Carolla]

How did we not meet?

[Brian Dietzen]

How did we not meet? I'm pretty incognito. I don't travel with big crowds at all, so maybe different circles. I'm not sure.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like we would have crossed paths.

[Brian Dietzen]

Right. You know who I'd cross paths with was Larry Miller. I've been working with him last couple weeks and he's been singing your praises.

[Adam Carolla]

That's important to me. Yeah, that's right. Love Larry Miller.

[Brian Dietzen]

He's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone loves Larry Miller, right?

[Brian Dietzen]

Who doesn't love Larry Miller? The guy's awesome. He's been playing my father in law on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. He's doing a stretch. An arc.

[Brian Dietzen]

I hope it's an arc. That means I get more work.

[Adam Carolla]

How many episodes is Larry gonna be on?

[Brian Dietzen]

Well, we got one right now and if he doesn't mess it up too bad, hopefully we could bring him back again. I don't know. He's hilarious though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's good. And he's a really good comedic actor. Like there's a lot of comedians that are just sort of themselves or personalities or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Brett Butler.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I was about.

[Allison Rosen]

I knew, I knew it was going.

[Adam Carolla]

To say that, right? Starting to say Brett Butler. Then don't say Brett Butler.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry I stepped on your toes.

[Adam Carolla]

What I need you to do is stop mentioning Brett Butler. Okay? For me, Right now, real quick, real quick. For me. Okay? But Larry, when you watch him, like when you watch him in the Nutty professor or 10 Things I Hate about you or one of those movies or something, you go, this guy's really good. Like, he plays a great dad. And is it 10 things I hate about Samurai's dad?

[Giovanni]

He's fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

He's just good. He's just solid in those.

[Brian Dietzen]

And he always plays such a dick too. He always plays like this protective father thing and he plays it so well. And you meet him and hang out with him, he's like literally one of the nicest people.

[Adam Carolla]

And now stop speaking.

[Brian Dietzen]

Thank you, Larry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he is. He's warm. You know what? He's got all the good things about Jews and none of the bad things. And that's not geophobic because I didn't mention what the bad things were. That could be nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

And some of your best employees are Jews.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Brian's over here.

[Brian Dietzen]

Well put, well put.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. He sees real. He's got that sentimentality thing where he's just like, oh, hey, man. I mean, he invited me to his. I went to his kids bar mitzvah and I didn't even like. I think I only knew him for like 10 minutes and I was. Next thing I know, I was bowling at a bar mitzvah.

[Brian Dietzen]

I know. I worked with him for one day and he said, and the next day he was over hanging out in my office and we were tweeting together.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Dietzen]

He's like, teach me how to do more.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe he's gay. I think maybe that's what it is.

[Brian Dietzen]

I didn't want to say. I want to. Wanted you to, you know, come about discovery.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, maybe it's not like, he's so nice. Like, what else do you do that's wrong? I don't know. It's like a nine year old saying. That priest is so nice, he's so great. And he loves camping and wrestling and everything.

[Brian Dietzen]

It's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He lets us sleep over.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we went to a secret cabin.

[Brian Dietzen]

So much. So much sugar. But it makes me sleepy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He calls it Jesus. Jesus. Yeah. Great guy. You know my problem? My problem is I can't enjoy anything like someone else's bar mitzvah because I start getting pissed at my family. Like, no fucking way would they have ever rented out a whole bowling alley. No. Jesus. It's a Friday night. This must have cost a fortune. Look at that cake. Jesus Christ. Open bar over there for the guys. Me and Paul Reiser standing around drinking. It was awesome. And then, like the adult. The thing I like about. About the thing about bowling alleys, they're great. They all have a bar that was built in 1971 and smells like those.

[Giovanni]

Bars are stuck in time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's no.

[Giovanni]

Those are the bars that time forgot.

[Adam Carolla]

They're awesome.

[Giovanni]

And they all have the bowling pin beers.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't have shag carpeting on the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's none. None of them were built before 1950, and none of them were built after 71. They're all sitting at sweet spa bars.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah. There's no new ones. They make new bowling bars.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they do like Lucky Strikes, but that's too cool. And it's one big long bar. This was a room. They still smell like. Well, I'm sure it was filled with smoke at some point because it'd be like, listen, Junior, knock yourself out with the pins over there. I'm gonna go have a couple eyeballs over here. And mommy needs smoke. And it must have just been people just hanging. Just degenerates hanging out, smoking there the entire time.

[Giovanni]

That's a fun thing for people like me and my friends to discover in early 20s when you start to go out drinking, you're like, oh, my God, there's these awesome bars, bowling alleys that like you can hang out and pretend like you're old times. And it's actually pretty lame.

[Adam Carolla]

I find by the way the, the pins being knocked down. The sound of that to be soothing, like the tide rolling in or something for it, right? Yeah, just. But it has to be off in the distance. Off in the distance.

[Brian Dietzen]

It's like your sound, your white noise machine at night. Just listen to that over and over again.

[Adam Carolla]

Bowling pins, waves rushing in. Yeah. Forget about the babbling brook. How about the pins?

[Brian Dietzen]

Just, just do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Dietzen]

And then smell some rotten smoke and cheap beer.

[Adam Carolla]

And then every once in a while a trucker yells, mule ears.

[Brian Dietzen]

You're putting me to sleep here. You're put me to sleep.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it'd be nice. And I like, I like, I like the idea that, that, that forced air that comes through the ball return thing when you put your hand over there and try.

[Allison Rosen]

I like to do that even though I never work up a sweat.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but you, you feel like a fast Eddie.

[Brian Dietzen]

Do people have sweaty hands from bowling? I've never like experienced the sweaty hand.

[Giovanni]

If you do it right.

[Brian Dietzen]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta.

[Brian Dietzen]

I'm. You're holding this big cold ball and throwing it. Like, how does your hand get sweaty from that? The pressure is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got a two digit average over here. Yeah. I don't. I think it's just one of those things that some bowling alley did, like some restaurant in 1921, put the sprig of parsley next to the eggs and everyone went, oh, got to do it. Otherwise we'll be the ones who don't do that.

[Allison Rosen]

I also think it's like rubbing the chalk on the pool cue and then blowing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Why are you blowing?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think you need to do any of that in between every single shot. But if I ever play pool, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

It feels good.

[Brian Dietzen]

Well, if you don't do it, you know what you're doing, no one can film you and then play it back for you in slow motion. Which is the coolest? Yeah, the same thing. Like, it's like blowing your fingers before you pick up the ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or pick a safe.

[Brian Dietzen]

That's right. Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's like slow motion. Tumbling dice. Scorsese shot. Yes.

[Giovanni]

Don't you have any game or activity or sport that has like a lot of terminology?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

Like a lot of leaving a lot of buckets out there on the lanes. Leaving a lot of dog ears, donkey ears.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Now, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

We were wondering if anyone in this room has ever owned their own bowling ball.

[Brian Dietzen]

Oh, no, I haven't either.

[Adam Carolla]

I was given a bowling ball counts by MTV for some rock and jock. Like bowling something or whatever. I can't remember what it was, but it's two hips. Got like skull in it or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, it's like, like a hot rod bowling.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Brian Setzer's bowling ball. And it's like, I don't like that because I don't want to be Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

Crowley bowling off average.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my. Actually, it was funny. I just, I just. The last time. One of the last times I bowled was this. Oh, wait a minute, there's me and Kimmel. Oh, we got a real trophy there. The hell did we get? That trophy just gave it to me. Yeah, it was like a hot rod bowling ball.

[Brian Dietzen]

Matching shirts. Matching shirts is nice.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that looks like we're in New York. We're in Universal Studios in the back lot. That's my second guess. Yeah. So here was my dilemma. Tell me if you think this wiring is bad on me, bro. Other Brian, I had surgery on my palm and you can probably see there's a scar there and it's indented. See, this palm looks sort of normal and healthy, has blood going to it. And this was kind of fucked up. So I had this palm surgery and I'm left handed. And about three days they put a cast on it. They took the cast off and then gave me this neoprene thing that stunk a lot. But I don't think it was my fault. It's not like, oh, man, Adam, your hands stink. You know, the top of your hand smells. But they put this weird wetsuit shit. And when you pull it off, it's like, oh, it's like, funky sock. It's a funky sock thing. Someone oughta fucking thought about that piece of hand. Yeah, I've had the neoprene. I had neoprene flip flops that like Nike shower flip flops. Sure. Yeah, yeah. And I used to wear them to work all the time when we were doing the man show. I'd just be sitting around my feet on my desk and Jimmy'd be like, what? What the fuck? And I'd be like, what is that? And because I didn't have stinky feet. But it was weird. It smelled. It was that stinky sock smell, that like, wet sock smell because the neoprene. And so somebody ought to figure this out because these things stink.

[Brian Dietzen]

But anyway, that bowling ball blowing thing that's in your hand.

[Adam Carolla]

That would have solved this. I'd be fresh as a daisy. So I had my hand. They took the cast off, and they put this neoprene sort of hard thing on that had the velcro on it, and it was black, and my thumb stuck out, and it looked exactly like one of those bowling wrist braces.

[Brian Dietzen]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Now all day long, I'm doing the Kobe. The Kobe. The Kobe Bryant, like, celebrity charity bowl for pediatric aids thing. And I'm showing up, and I'm realizing, oh, I'm gonna be wearing this wristband, and everyone's gonna think, oh, he thinks he's a bowler with his wristband on. And then when they see my 89 up on the scoreboard, they're gonna go, what a super douche this guy is. And so I'm wanting to bowl with this. I actually took it off.

[Brian Dietzen]

So you took it off, your braid protecting your wrist that you just had surgery?

[Adam Carolla]

I bowled, like, five games with my wristband off because I didn't want people thinking I was being a bowling douche, even though I was probably doing permanent damage to my hand.

[Brian Dietzen]

That's probably not a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

So tell me about my wiring.

[Brian Dietzen]

Your wiring may be a little bit. A little bit faulty. The heart was in the right place, though, right? You want to not look like a douche.

[Adam Carolla]

And weird low self esteem.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird, strange awareness.

[Brian Dietzen]

Adam, you're completely fine. That is totally something everyone would do. Everyone would.

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm gonna do. I'm need you to go ahead and give me a hug right now.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mop up these tears. Okay. For me real quick. Real quick.

[Brian Dietzen]

I had the same thing. I won a pool cue at a pool hall in Chicago one time, which is a great way to start the story.

[Adam Carolla]

How did you do that?

[Brian Dietzen]

Well, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

And you didn't shoot a great game or anything.

[Brian Dietzen]

I've never shot a great game in my life.

[Allison Rosen]

What a shitty raffle prize. No offense.

[Brian Dietzen]

I know. Well, it was at a pool hall, and there's all these people sitting around saying, oh, it's like a 250, $300 pool queue. I want that thing. And then this asshole shows up with his cousins, and I threw in one ticket for a buck or something, and I won it. And it's one of those things where I felt like I could never take it out ever again, because am I really gonna go to someone's house and break out a pool cue that a really nice pool cue has, like, a skull with flames on it and shit?

[Adam Carolla]

Blow it in slow Motion. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Dietzen]

And. And then just proceed to suck for the next two hours.

[Adam Carolla]

So even if you were good and you didn't suck, it still feel weird. Yes. To pull that thing out. But there's a certain expectation level when a man pulls out his own pool.

[Brian Dietzen]

There is? Yeah. When you come and you say, I have. Or you pull out like your own ping pong paddle. I mean, that's. I mean, there's a level of douchiness that's there. Unless you can back it up by like some serious game.

[Allison Rosen]

I had my own ice skates and I was not good at skating.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like my. My skates were saying that I was so I was like, I really wanted them, but. Yeah, I mean, they really loved me.

[Adam Carolla]

I really wanted a lot of things too, sweetie.

[Barry Eisler]

Didn't get.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Your parents loved you. That's good.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. Ice skates. Nice. In Southern California, we had rinks, ice Capades.

[Allison Rosen]

That's where I would go clutch the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's a version of this that we're talking about that nobody really brings up, which is super douchey guy who's wearing way too much riding gear, who's riding a bicycle. And he's got sponsored him. And he's got the tight thing and the shoes and the clip on. And then he loves walking into the Jamba Juice with the cleats clicking.

[Brian Dietzen]

Click, Click.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, clicking.

[Allison Rosen]

And the feet holding his helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

Feet going the wrong direction. Yeah. Helmet is. Is just banging his cleat. Hey, everybody. I rode my bike here. All you fat, lazy fucks who hate the earth, you came over here, but I'm so much better than you are. And I came over here. Cleats.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah, I've hit one of those guys before.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Dietzen]

I did. I had my license for two weeks. I was 16 years old. Scared the shit out of me. But this guy was in, he was all geared up and he's riding this super expensive bike on the side. And he hit a rock and his. His bike kind of slides out of traffic and I just slammed on my brakes and it actually went over his tire and dragged him, you know, for good 20 seconds. He was hooked up because he was all hooked up in his fancy riding gear.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So he went down on his own.

[Brian Dietzen]

He did. He went down on his own. I didn't actually hit him, but yeah, there he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's got the aerodynamic helmet, but he never breaks 11 miles an hour. Yeah.

[Brian Dietzen]

And I think, I think. Well, I didn't none of it was my fault. But he started trying to, to try to shoot you tried to sue me. Well, he's like, I can see this 16 year old, let's get out of here right away. And I said, why? Let's, let's wait for the cops to show up. You know, you're bleeding on your side and everything. No, let's jump in the car. So he jumped in my car. I put the bike in the back seat.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Brian Dietzen]

And then I drove around in a parking lot that was right there going, I don't know. I'm so young and stupid. I don't know how to get out of this parking lot. You know, just waiting for the cops to show. And finally they showed up and I, I said, tell him what happened. Come on, really? Tell him what happened. Yeah, yeah, I fell and it was my fault, but can I sue the city or something? Because there was rocks in the, in the lane. I'm a professional bike is what I do for a living. And I said, well, I don't know, but I'm out of the, I'm out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

He does that for a living.

[Brian Dietzen]

He does that for a living. And I destroyed his livelihood at 16.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Dietzen]

With one just slamming on the brakes one time.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that in Chicago.

[Brian Dietzen]

I was in Boulder, Colorado.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah.

[Brian Dietzen]

There'S a lot more bikers than drivers, drivers there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here we have the, we have this thing and one, I, I experienced a few things. I had super angry chick yelling at another car the other day, like, just, hey, come on, hey. And then she was like hazing him like a, like, like, like a crow would to a cat if the cat got into its nest and then it saw the cat out in the yard again. Like she kept, she was like trying to cut. You know when somebody does that thing where it's like, hey, bitch, you're on 26 pounds worth of aluminum and I got a 4400 pound SUV here and you're pissed me off. Like, how do you know that this person wasn't me, but how do you know the person driving the fucking SUV at a certain point didn't just snap or have the world's worst day or be on their way to commit suicide and go, well, I'll take one cunt off the road with me before I go meet my maker. Yeah. And so she was like, she like, you know, evidently the car had cut her off or something, but not. But by mistake. I mean, the thing you should know if you're on a fucking bike is nobody cuts you off on purpose. We're looking at much larger, shinier items than you. And you sneak up on our right and we're turning right and we didn't see you, and you give the. Hey, man. Oh, hey, don't take it so fucking personally. Sorry I started rapping there, but shut the fuck up. We didn't see you. And make a little noise, man. I mean, get the bell going. Yeah, get the horn going there. Get the clown car horn going. We didn't see it. And I had this thing the other night. There are all these weird. Something weird happen. I'm down with OPP. There's. You can't even tell I'm white when I'm saying no.

[Brian Dietzen]

You can't really close your eyes. It makes. Makes all the difference in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm down with opp. See? Did you close your eyes?

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds like one of your two fans.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. So there's these. I don't know if it has to do with Twitter's doing this or cell phones or whatever's going on, but all of a sudden you just see all these guys riding their bikes. Like tons of tons of 22 year olds just out, just in swarms. Like a weird swarm, like bees swarm, you know, midnight, just going down the street, critical mass, some weird thing.

[Giovanni]

200 of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Like 200 of them. Yeah.

[Brian Dietzen]

Where is this?

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen it out here in Burbank a few times in Glendale, but just all over, like these weird mountains.

[Allison Rosen]

A bike club taking over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they call them. I don't know if that what it's called. And I don't know if it's some weird thing where you tweet and you go, everyone meet at the Bob's Big Boy and Toluca Lake at midnight. You know, and all these guys are out on their bikes all of a sudden. And it's all sudden. Having a bike is cool. Where it was, you know, when you were 19, if you needed a car or motorcycle to be cool when I was a kid, but. And they're all out there and they all come out and what they do is they take over both lanes.

[Brian Dietzen]

Oh, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So they ride. They do that douchey move where they go, hey, man, I have just as much right to the road as you do. Blah, blah, blah. And I was heading home from the podcast and it was like 10 at night, and they took over the right lane and they took over the left lane, and those are the only lanes open. And they were going nine miles an hour. So because nobody was around, there's no.

[Allison Rosen]

You Mowed down a few.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no oncoming traffic. I just pulled through the left, punched it, zipped around him and slid back in. And I got, I got the you like thing and it's like, you dicks. I'm not trying to make you late for supper, I'm. You're taking up the room. I know, it's. This is hall.

[Allison Rosen]

Bladers weren't going the other way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that would have been awesome. I would have had to do that thing where I squirt my windshield with the thing.

[Brian Dietzen]

How many points is that? That's a lot. That is a lot of points.

[Adam Carolla]

Even higher. The point is this. Obviously it's not, we need more room, it's you. We'll set the pace, right? You're the man. We're angry 21 year olds and you can sit and look at our ass cracks until we decide you've had enough. And my thing is like, look, if you want to ride your bike, that's fine, but I'm going to go home. So I'm just going to go around you.

[Allison Rosen]

People who ride bikes are very angry.

[Adam Carolla]

We did this, this thing in our society where we've turned everything into a personal attack. Like everything is like, hey, Ben, hey, where you going? Hey. Because you see, I think in the past we understood that if somebody cuts you off, it's because they weren't paying attention or they didn't see you. And it's not always everyone's fault. Like my poor friend Kevin Hansch was driving his car down the 405, looked in his mirror, saw a guy on a motorcycle cutting between him to do that motorcycle in between pass. So he started going to his right to give the guy a little berth. Well, his buddy who he was riding with split off to the right. So him and his fucking retard buddy decide to do this thing where you go right, I go left, we'll pass Kevin's, we'll pass his infinity. And so when Kevin veered to the right to give the guy a little rock room, the guy who was passing on the right, kid, hey, what the fuck? And so everyone. So here's what I'm trying to say. I think because everyone is so fucking narcissistic and self entitled, that in the past what would have been passed off as a. Oh yeah, he didn't. Obviously it's nothing personal. I don't know you. Yeah, I don't want to hit you on your bike because you're going to fuck up my car and I'm going to get sued and it's going to be a hassle. Like, there's nothing in it for me to cut you off or to hit you. And in the past, I think we kind of understood. I mean, there'd be a honk on the horn, but there wouldn't be a, whoa, what are you doing to me? What about me? Look what you've done to me. Whoa. And a milking, like where these guys are then going from, you know, five stoplights past, still with them. Whoa, whoa.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right. What exactly do they want? I fucking respond.

[Brian Dietzen]

They want justice. They want. They will pull up in front of you and they will wait at the next stoplight. I've had this happen before, right? This guy got so pissed off, I cut him off and I. You know.

[Allison Rosen]

On purpose.

[Brian Dietzen]

Completely on purpose. He's a total dick. But no, I just didn't see the guy, you know? And then at this next stoplight, he pulls up. I pull up behind him and he keeps giving me the what? The what the fuck? Out the window. And then the light turns green. He starts pulling forward slowly and he waits for the light to turn yellow, and then he takes off right as it goes red. And I'm stuck at the light again. And like, just in his eyes, it was justice. It was like, I got that guy. I got him back. He is paid.

[Adam Carolla]

I told you million times about a million years ago when I was pulling on to this, the lot of the fucking man show, fucking lots, studio lots. They're brutal, as you know, because what happens is you can. Where do you do ncis?

[Brian Dietzen]

We do it up in the middle of nowhere in Santa Clarita. So fucking lucky because 35 minutes away.

[Adam Carolla]

Love it. You pull onto these lots and, you know, it's usually like, I, you know, if we got some meeting at 10, I'm pulling up at 5 to 10, and if it's at 9, it's 5 to 9. And I just, you know, I was one of the bosses, so I'd get there five minutes with my stinky flip flops before I need to get there. And every once in a while, you pull on a lot on Hollywood, Hollywood Center Studios. And there'd be nine couple cars and you look around and the guy, the lead car, the guy was out of the car and talking on the phone in the security shack. And you're like, oh, fuck.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's two, like, Cube vans in front of you, and you're like, oh, we're never. I'm never getting on this lot now. By the way, here's how long it takes me to get on a lot. How you doing, Bob? You know, and I drive past there because I work on the lot, but they don't have a fucking express lane for guys who work on the lot. Everybody who's getting on the lot goes through the city. Same shit. Yep. And they. Fucking. Security guys on lots are some of the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet. They have a fucking clipboard they can't read. What's your name again? I mean, I've had those guys. What's your name? Carolla. C, A, R, O, L, L, A. How do you spell that? What's it. What's it again? What's it again? What's it. What's your name again? What's your name? And you're Adam. Carla, you want to talk to Adam Crawley? No, I'm Adam Crawl. And who you want to talk to again? Jimmy Kimmel. What's his last name? How do you spell it?

[Barry Eisler]

Like.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's been on a lot for two years. You know, like they're fucking. And then they always, at some point pick up the phone and they go. It's always my favorite move because I start my countdown. Yeah, listen, I got. What's your name again? That's. That's every time. Listen, part of a very important part of your job is memorizing a name for more than 40 seconds. And you evidently not capable of doing that and don't give a fuck. And by the way, act like you own the lot.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I've asked to take a shit, getting it or something like, listen, ass wife, you could pay $9 an hour to stand in his shack and let me in. Now start doing your job. So I went around the whole big long line, and I was gonna go in through the outdoor Is famous. Led Zeppelin would tell you because there's no line there. And if the fucking guy would just lift the gate, I just. No harm, no foul. I just buzz right in and I got a parking spot and everything.

[Brian Dietzen]

Do they know you? Are they waving you to you?

[Adam Carolla]

They're not waving to me, but they know once I get to the shack, it's that guy who's on the lot every day. Get the lot. They got the new guard guy, and he's giving me the wave. Bad. Nah, nah, I can't open the. You got to go back, turn around, go to the back of the line. There's three more cars are pulling in. So I go, ah. And I. I start pulling back. And right as I start pulling back, I notice that there's a guy not on the sidewalk. He's moved up, and he's walking right behind the bumper of a fucking Mini Cooper, for Christ's sake. And it was one of these things where I flung my hand over my seat, started letting the clutch out, and started to roll backwards. And the second I saw him, I just hit the brake. I didn't touch him. Then come. You know. But he was. He was walking like 12 inches from the back of my bumper. And I started. I rolled about 5 inches and hit the brake, and he. And I gave the guy. Oh, you know, I gave the guy the wave. They mean my bad. Sorry, didn't see you. Didn't see you. Yeah, you almost hit me. Said, yeah, sorry. I didn't. I didn't see it. Yeah, that was close. Yeah, sorry. I didn't. I didn't see you. Yeah, he almost hit me. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't. I didn't see you right there. Yeah, I mean, it was really close. You almost hit me. Yeah, okay. And of course, when I went to the back of the line and eventually got up to the fucking guard, check who was fucking standing there. And my favorite part of life is that guy. Somewhere around the fourth time, he went, yeah, Yom. I said, yeah, but I didn't. So shut up. And he was like, what? I was like, just shut up. Don't fuck. Tell someone who gives a shit. I didn't hit you, ass wipe. I stopped. That's the whole. I'm now being fucking punished for crimes that didn't happen. Like, I almost hit you, and I didn't leave my house thinking, I've got to back over a douchebag, you fucking asshole. Shut the fuck up. And then I always think, oh, these guys are married to people and they gotta deal with this fucking needy shit on a daily basis. And when did it become okay for guys to be so fucking needy? Remember when guys had a little fortitude and, like, I'm a guy, I'm not gonna act like a puss, you know? That's, like, undignified.

[Brian Dietzen]

Hey, you almost finished the milk there. You almost drank all the rest of it, right? Honey, you use lots of toothpaste. Imagine hearing that every day, just over and over and over again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you almost finished.

[Brian Dietzen]

Did you see that? You almost finished. You almost did that.

[Adam Carolla]

So you don't think I should get as many Grape Nuts as you? Is that what you're saying? Buy the half cup that you've left me and the spoonful of milk. You're saying so you like me to just starve and blow away? Just try to blow away.

[Brian Dietzen]

Do you want to talk about this? Because I want to talk about this.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to talk about the toothpaste.

[Brian Dietzen]

If we could talk about the toothpaste a little bit. And while we're at it, I've been mowing the lawn a lot lately, and you really have been carrying your way weight here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Dietzen]

So I need to cry about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm gonna need shoulder to cry on. Okay. Right now. All right, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Little more news. Now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Askmen.com has a list of 10 recommended. I love Ask Men first date conversations. So I thought I would read them and get your input on whether you think these are good topics. Topics to either avoid or talk about on a first date.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Ask Men, Ask Men, Ask Men.

[Allison Rosen]

But you could call it Aspen.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a show on television called Axe Men? Like one of those shows about, like, loggers up in the like.

[Brian Dietzen]

I asked you a question.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but that's what I would think. Yeah, but I think it turns out. No, it turns out.

[Brian Dietzen]

It turns out they're actually using chainsaw.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't like white people.

[Allison Rosen]

So number 10 and I have issues with the way this list is compiled.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'll get back to that. This is not to ask on a date or to ask on a date.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they say their topics, you should. They say they're recommended first date topics, but number 10 is avoid her past. So number 10 is the exception. The rest of them tell you what to do. This one is saying avoid talking about her past because. So don't ask her about past relationships because it could make you too chummy. If she's confiding in you or leaning on you or getting reassurance from you, would you agree that on a first date you don't want to talk about her past?

[Adam Carolla]

I always say less history, more mystery. I just think for both sexes, yeah, this is really. There's nothing in it for you. And at a certain point, it's gonna be like you gave Al Davis a blowjob. You're gonna go like, God damn, how old was he? 63. I was just 19. And you're gonna go, that's fucking weird. And at the time, it didn't feel that way weird. And then you'll think it's cool and kind of funny. And then later on when you start dating, it'll bug you.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Now what about the idea, though? And this is not a first date, but later on, do you think at some point you should find out their relationship history, though, just so you can figure out how fucked up they are.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll help. I mean, look, if someone's thrice divorced or something like that. Yeah, it'd be a good thing to know if they have kids.

[Brian Dietzen]

You need to know the track record to an extent, don't you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Dietzen]

You need to vet them to a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You need. You need, you know, if there's a certain. Certain tells, you know, where it's like my last three boyfriends got violent with me or something, then she was probably physically abused by her dad and attracted to guys that do that and is gonna freak on you when you don't do it. And then the next thing you know, you will be throwing an ashtray at her. So it's gonna be fucked up. It's a fucked up dance. So that kind of stuff you should know, but certainly not for date.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Brian Dietzen]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Siblings. Ask about her siblings. Because asking about her parents could put her in a bad mood. Well, but asking about her siblings is neutral and makes you look like you care.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she. It's good, but all you have to do is find out how she is with papa. She's cool with papa. You're cool.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not on this list.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate that guy and I want to see him again. No future.

[Allison Rosen]

But if she likes him too much, I don't mean in a creepy way.

[Adam Carolla]

I just mean you've really been working out.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not how I mean it.

[Brian Dietzen]

You gotta head to the hills on that one.

[Adam Carolla]

When he's nude, he's got this great tracksuit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I just mean conversely, if on first dates. To me, a red flag is when a guy thinks the world of his mom, but it's too much like, okay, he's super duper, duper attached.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a difference. You see, when the girl hates dad, she hates men. When the boy loves. Loves the bejesus out of mama. It's not that he loves mama so much, it's that mama loved the shit out of him and he could do no wrong. So you're gonna end up. You're gonna end up doing a lot of fucking loads of this guy's laundry while he watches tv. And you know, he'll lift his feet when you go under him with the vacuum.

[Allison Rosen]

That's just considerate.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll expect pot roast and homemade pie every night.

[Brian Dietzen]

It's like a normal guy is what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

And when you do it, he'll feel like, why not like, believe me, I've been on the worst end of this ever. I've had roommates that were these dudes where it's not. You're not even. And there's just loads of their lawn.

[Allison Rosen]

You are sleeping in a futon with them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And you have to fucking do everything for these guys because they'll just make a big pile of dishes and they'll just walk away and they'll go, what? And you go like, well, what about the dishes? And I'll go like, look at you. Like, why should I? I don't do dishes. Like, I know, but you're fucking. You're living away from your mom now. Ass. Clean your shit up. Yeah, yeah. I'm slowly putting together a theory where moms can ruin their fucking sons. Just ruin them.

[Brian Dietzen]

Oh, absolutely, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

By telling them how great they are all the time. And they could never do any wrong. And they fucking create little mugs.

[Brian Dietzen]

You need to provide just the correct amount of neglect to your kids in order to make them successful. Because they're striving to be something better as opposed to hand feeding them their entire life.

[Adam Carolla]

And every once in a while, when you draw Spider man on a piece of construction paper and hand it to him, you. I gotta go. Not your best work. It's decent. It's not fridge worthy.

[Brian Dietzen]

He's got three fingers there. Let's try that again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's try that again. And it's not going on the fridge. There's a picture of me on the fridge and I like it. I was wakeboarding and I was in great shape. So that'll be staying number eight.

[Allison Rosen]

Traveled anywhere special? And by the way, if I were ever on a first date and the guy actually said to me, traveled anywhere special, I would think that he had rehearsed that question and I would ask for the check.

[Adam Carolla]

The problem with the travel travel question is it's gonna involve a dude or another. Yeah, Bernay went there. Sultan invited me.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, I was there for about six months. That's all I want to say.

[Brian Dietzen]

Hooked up with Hal Davis.

[Allison Rosen]

But they recommend asking that question so that you can take notes for the future. Because if she says, oh, I've always dreamed of going to Cleveland.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they like that one.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, they're recommending that.

[Brian Dietzen]

Well, then maybe you ask, maybe you ask, where have you always dreamed of going instead of where, where have you already been?

[Adam Carolla]

Most those good stories involve like a honeymoon or a proposal. Or they'll be like, well, I went to France once and it was great. But I was with my ex boyfriend and it turned out it wasn't great. We'd broken up right before we left, but we decided to go anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. We had these tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You should ask about food and drink preferences. That's a pretty neutral area, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

To talk about any peanut allergies.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah, I think, I think allergies is probably the first thing I ask.

[Adam Carolla]

I do 20 minutes on allergies. First 20 minutes or so.

[Brian Dietzen]

Lots of, lots of doodling and then just saying, yeah, okay, keep going, keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

Career plans. That's like a weighty first date topic, really. Career plan, how's your career going? Any plans to go back to school?

[Adam Carolla]

Shouldn't be plans. It should just be like, what's, you know, what are you digging? What are you doing? You know, what's going on?

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe you're just out of college, living at home again.

[Brian Dietzen]

What's your major?

[Allison Rosen]

And then number five, how's your job? But you want to make sure that she doesn't get into, into detailing the day to day grudges and things because that will just put the date in it, you know, it'll be all negative.

[Adam Carolla]

And what are you supposed to do? Like have like a quarterback. Quarterback wristband, like cheat sheet and be glancing down at it all the time. And how stilted is this?

[Allison Rosen]

You should have a tiny eraser with all the answers. With all the things. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, who? I can't figure out people that can't have a conversation.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. I feel like this is. Yeah, this list is obviously for people.

[Brian Dietzen]

Wait, are you guys saying that you wouldn't memorize this and, and kind of go in with.

[Allison Rosen]

I've internalized this. I actually ate this piece of paper.

[Brian Dietzen]

Got it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would just, I'd get the beats and the broad strokes and then I'd put my own flavor, you know, would.

[Allison Rosen]

You ask about her friends? But don't tune out or fall asleep. This is where you get the precious details about her.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really? Who comes up with this shit? It's a disaster.

[Allison Rosen]

Another good one. What do you do in your free time? And by the way, I have to say, I never have a good answer to what do you do in your free time? I hate the outdoors and I like to wear sweatpants.

[Adam Carolla]

I nap and masturbate onto a space.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Dietzen]

I, I like the plume. Pretty much just paintball 24 7.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Brian Dietzen]

Just paintball.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, see, that's good. That's outdoorsy.

[Brian Dietzen]

I make cut off shorts and I play paintball.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you embroider on them or you Just cut them off.

[Brian Dietzen]

I bedazzle a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a fringe bedazzler.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah. And I get it. I get high enough that my pockets are hanging out just a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

And then I go.

[Brian Dietzen]

And then I go, rock some paintball. That's what, that's what Brian Dietzen does on the weekends.

[Adam Carolla]

Pockets in the basement and boxers on the first floor. Yeah, I just made that up. And that's solid.

[Brian Dietzen]

What do you do in your free time? I think my answer is pretty damn solid.

[Adam Carolla]

I missed that look where the pockets made it out the bottom. But it was always a boxer shorts just jacked up, hanging out of the top.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a layered look for your girl.

[Adam Carolla]

What are we looking for? What are we looking to get out of this look again, it doesn't look comfortable if that's what you're trying. Freedom of freedom. No, it really doesn't. The freedom of movement is your goal. You've not obtained it with this look.

[Giovanni]

It's no Larry Miller sweatshirt over the sweatpants look.

[Adam Carolla]

The other thing that would look good too is it's the same era. The guys go with the half shirts.

[Brian Dietzen]

Oh, the midriff 4 inch wisp of.

[Adam Carolla]

Cotton that hangs down over your belly button. Two more much burn it up somehow.

[Giovanni]

Those guys are the manliest men of all. Like, I look back at, like, Brian Bosworth and Dion Sanders kick our asses.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was.

[Brian Dietzen]

Bosworth was a big guy. He always had that. And he had to cut off sleeves as well. It's like there's just like 4 inches of too much fabric everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, it impedes the movement of the guns.

[Brian Dietzen]

My shorts need to be pulled up. My shirt needs to be pulled up, my sleeves. I mean, it's just whoever designed this stuff didn't know what they were doing.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like some guys, like, I want to dress like Olivia Newton John.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Debbie Gibson from the 80s. But there's also a, A thing too. And I, I listen, I'm. I, I, I have the hips of a Russian woman, so I can't do, I can't pull it off. But, but great. For birthing, I worked. Yes.

[Brian Dietzen]

Congratulations.

[Adam Carolla]

And, and for grabbing. I, When I used to play football, there were a handful of black dudes who just lit. Like, I don't know how they hold their, you know, that whole black dude with the pants dragging thing. It's not their fault. They don't own hits. There's fucking nothing there. Like, I played football. I played football with a guy named Squeak, and Squeak could run like a 4, 4:40 and bench press like £400. And he was fucking little, but he's fucking muscles. And he was one of these black dudes that just didn't have hips. Like you would see the V, his back was a V shaped and it would just keep going down and it would just disappear into his belt line. Like it would just keep going. It looked like it kept going in like, like, like his two shoulders said meet you at the balls. And they said will do. And they just started heading down to balls like a funnel.

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah, they stop and the tiniest ankles ever is what you're saying kept going. He's a big triangle.

[Adam Carolla]

But you ever see the black guy that just does not have a hip? Like where is that?

[Brian Dietzen]

Yeah, just. And then this is nothing for a.

[Adam Carolla]

Belt to latch on. And then the thighs come out after that. It's like where you, you got no waist. These fucking huge thighs and it's sick. But if I had that look, I would probably rock the half shirt myself.

[Brian Dietzen]

Well, yeah, you'd have a 26 inch waist and then like 30 or 45 inch chest.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know where the fucking belt goes. Like I, I, it would fall. It's just like slips down in the trash. Yeah, you don't want to look. You know what I'm talking about at that point.

[Brian Dietzen]

It's decoration.

[Giovanni]

Talk about everyone in the Miami hurricanes in the 80s. Michael Irvin, right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. This had no hips. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, it was a great college DB and wide out look. Especially you know the Hurricanes at the.

[Brian Dietzen]

You man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and, and you know, a little Florida State, a little love in there.

[Brian Dietzen]

But yeah, they give you, they give you a half shirt and a eight ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Great look. And then they put the belt on and they'd have the towel hanging down in the front. Just ah, got a beat off. I keep going. All right baby, let's watch Rapid.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, K. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That was the news with Allison Rosen. Yeah. Discount tire in America's Tire. Oh man, they got me some more racing slicks. Love these dudes. Now look, they don't give you free slicks. They give me free slicks. Cuz we're in. It's called a perk, baby. Live with it. But you, they give you great deals, great tires. Discount tire and America's Tire. Winter it's upon us. We may even be in it. I think we are. There's a chill in. It's nipping at your nose. Winter tires, they're not Just for snow. They grip the road better and they do the job a hell of a lot better than all season tires in every weather condition, especially below 45 degrees. So let's be safe. Remember, you got kids in that car. It's not just about you trying to run over guys in bikes now, man. What about your kids? By the way, Black Ice was my rap name. Oh, yeah. Cut off shirt, no waist. Those 80s were a great time. Let's be safe. I'm down with opp. Let's drive with confidence all winter long. Get your winter tires today at Discount Tire and America's Tire. Good guys, good sponsors and good getters of slicks for the ace, man. And also Amazon, our good friends over at Amazon, we're back up and running with Amazon. You guys have been unbelievable with Amazon. You're doing your Christmas shopping at Amazon. Pow, man. Keep the pirate ship going, baby. We started this gig a few years back and now we got a bunch of employees and everyone's talking about the economy and taxes and the deficit and unemployment and all that kind of stuff. Well, here we are doing something about it, and you can help as well. If you're going to buy something from Amazon, go to AdamKroll.com, click on the banner and pass. You get what you want from Amazon and we get a little love from Amazon. Love those guys. All right, Brian Dietzen, NCIS. Tuesday nights, 8pm on CBS. And you can Twitter Brian at Brian Dietzen. D I E T Z E N if you'd like. And it's Brian. Not the gay way, but I A n the word God intended, that is right young men to spell bruh. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for bribe bride with a Y. Brian Dietzen and Allison saying mahalo. I'm spanking it to Playgirl because I dig other dudes.

[Giovanni]

All right, that is it for today's cruel classics. Until next time, mahalo and get it on Sam.