Giovanni (0:00)

Well, we're on a holiday break, but enjoy Corolla Classics until we return. Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights, and fans like to click clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics. The ad free archives are exclusively available through Adam Corolla's Substack. All right, coming up for today's clips we have Adam Carla Show 114, Cheryl Hines. This one's from July of 2009 promoting the movie the Ugly Truth. Unaware that Gerard Butler went into Adam Kroll's radio show to practice and train and learn how to be a morning DJ for that film, he shadowed Adam. Check it out. Hey, fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Carolla show that's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of The Adam Corland Dr. Drew Show. You also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month. A pittance for all we're going to bring you. Subscribe now@adamcarolla.com substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called Substack. Cheryl is actually you. Well, you know, from a lot of things. Curb your enthusiasm. Mainly for me, but the Ugly Truth new movie coming up. Katherine Heigl, Gerard Butler. I have a connection to this movie. What is that? Gerard Butler came in to my radio studio and observed me. Really? When he was movie, when he was researching the role, like Al Pacino would have ridden along with a cop in the 70s. I was so flattered. Well, you should have been. Right, I was. He brought that to the movie. That edgy, dark, big eyebrow. Big eyebrow. He really took that, the big eyebrow. And I haven't seen the movie. But does he seem that way? Does it seem like there's some me in him? Why would he come observe me? Well, because, you know, in the movie he's sort of this bull in a china shop type of guy. Doesn't care what anybody thinks. And it goes on. And. Does he work in radio? No, there's, like, a morning show and. And he comes on. You know, it's like a pleasant morning. Hi, everybody. I'm John Michael Higgins plays the other newscaster. And we have, like, a very stale. It's like an amazing Good Morning, Los Angeles kind of show. And he wants to, what, bring some edge to it. Yeah. So he has this cable show where he's like, you know, this is what. This is what. What guys really want. You know, they don't want you to have a big ass, basically. And so he comes on to this morning show and shakes it up and says stuff. And people are like, what? Well, I was supremely flattered that he came to observe me, although I wanted him as a guest on the show, but it was weird. I wasn't allowed to say anything while he was sitting there. So it's weird. You're sitting there and you're interviewing Ron Popeil's son and a huge celebrity sitting in the room, and you're like, hey, hey, Popeil Jr. Could you get your ass out of stool? We could put Gerard with the guy from 300 in there. We could talk to him a little about what that was like. He should come back on. Although I know he's probably like, I think he would come. He's too busy having sex with strangers, too. I think he might be. He might be. Yeah. But, you know, isn't it great being a guy in Hollywood? Yeah. Just get to announce I bang everything that moves, and everyone goes, that's awesome. And. No, that's it. We move on. He definitely is. You know, I like that he's upfront about. He's enjoying his. It's hard to be up front, isn't it? Yes. That's better. Like, what you don't want to be is one of these politicians that's talking about family and the Bible, and then you get caught with the male escort. Yeah. What you do want to do is be up front and go, I love banging dudes. Yeah. And if you want to. Yeah. If you're interested, call me. Yeah. It's like, it's my sort of Snoop Dogg spleef thing, which is, hey, let it be known I will shout from the mountaintops, nobody smokes more weed than me. And then it's no big deal. Then nobody can criticize you. What if. If Snoop got busted for carrying a joint in lax, would it make the news? Like, would everyone go, oh, well, thank you for that alert. We had no idea that the man partook in marijuana, Gerard Butler is like, I like the ladies and the ladies like me. And I worked out. Yeah, but do. Now, first off, did you feel that when you worked with him? Yeah, he has this thing. Well, did you feel that when you worked with him? Can you tell how charming he is as a guy? Guys get pissed when other guys have that thing. So we only feel anger in their presence. Why can't that be my penis? Well, he is. There's something about him that whenever a girl meets up, it doesn't matter how old they are, how young they are, race, creed, doesn't matter. They, they are like, they feel it. God, there's heat. It's a pheromone almost. Yeah. Like he is. We have a connection. And also. You want some water, by the way? Just talking, baby. Just talking about him. Got myself off. Oh my God. Yeah, there he is. Yeah. Well now. So Gerard, we're looking at a picture of him on the screen right now. So he has a magnetism. He does. You know, he's a nice looking guy, but it's beyond that. It's a magnetism. And plus, the way you women work is the more chicks he's been with, the more the magnetism gets built up. Yeah, kind of, yeah. They say that the more Dr. Drew used to say there were studies like the more you had sex and the more conquest you had, the more testosterone you would produce. Really. So you would actually. It could be just the same person. Right. It doesn't have to be sex with different people. I like to think it's different. You like to. In your mind, it's different. We didn't, I didn't focus on that point. But the point is, is the guys actually start producing this stuff. I mean, I think obviously men are visual. Yes. And we don't give a shit how many people you've had sex with before us or how attractive you are to this other guy. If we're not attracted to you, we're not attracted to you. Women do this thing where once women are attracted to you, well then good enough for you. I'm telling you, you met somebody else's criteria. So I'll take you. I've told the story before, but not to you. David Spade. Right. Nothing particularly physically attractive about the man. Nothing wrong with him. Right. He's cute. Yeah, cute guy. But you know, compared to any other 45 year old guy, not, not in the physical department, not, not a ton going on there. Banged. Every hot blonde in Hollywood gets the ladies. Hold on. You're a hot blonde and we've done it. You're in Hollywood twice. Yeah. Oh, that's today. Today I woke up, I did the one. Did it once. I had some coffee and we went back and did it again. Okay, so you got. So you. He's got every hot chick. And I was talking to a model once and I said, I. Just joking, I think I said, well, David Spade's single. You could go out with him. And she said, he's got a lot of ladies. He's been with a lot of hot ladies. She said. And then she became interested. She didn't say he was hot. She said, he's been with a lot of hot ladies. Thus, I would be validated as a hottie if he would nail me. You see what. You see what I'm saying? She didn't say he's hot. She said he's been with hot ladies. So let me ask you this. So if there was a girl that was like, average looking. Okay, yes. And. But she had been. But. But she had, you know, she dated Gerard Butler for a while, it would be. I would pause. I would. It would give me. I would pause. It's like, it's like. It's like mini driver chicks and all your gay friends always try to pass her off as hot. None of my straight friends are interested in Minnie Driver. We're not attracted to her at all. Never met a straight guy says, I gotta get me some mini driver. That's your thing. And I don't care who banged Minnie Driver. I don't care if it's George Clooney and Matt. I don't care if the entire cast. Good Will Hunting was on top of her. It doesn't make a difference. I look at Minnie Driver not attractive. Nothing wrong with her. Just not that attractive. And the fact that Matt Damon found her attractive, kind of, you know, good for half a percentage point, but would much rather nail the cute receptionist at my manager's office that nobody knew. You know what I'm saying? Who Matt Damon probably didn't nail yet. What if there was somebody that was funny for. For guys? It doesn't really matter. You still, like, sex is different. Oh, you mean like, oh, she's got a real funny sense of humor. If she was average, but super funny, you know, it's funny. We don't really factor that it's funny about funny. It's ironic that we don't factor that in that much either. I mean, Sarah Silverman is attractive and funny. Yeah, you're attractive. You're attractive and funny. Yeah. But you just being Attractive on its own. Now being creative is kind of interesting. Okay? And like, I think having something going on, it's kind of interesting. Like, so you could be a painter or an architect or something like that. That, like, that's attractive. But just the. She makes me laugh. You don't really need to be naked with her. No. And God forbid, that's when you laugh. You know what I mean? Like when they say she makes me laugh when a star come out of the shower. It was side splitting. I really. Yeah. Okay. Well, no, but see, like David Spade is funny, but. Yeah. Then you have people like Lyle Lovett, who. Not that. Not that attractive. But. But he nailed Julia Roberts. Nailed. Yes. And that thus will be kissed into any hot chick's arms because he nailed the pretty woman. But by the way, I met Lyle in a. In an airport and he's got. Here. Here's the thing about guys, if they can. I think. And Gerard Butler has it. Lyle Lovett had it. They make you feel like you're the only person put her hand in, Talk to you. And they look in your eyes. How are you doing? What are you doing now? And you know who else does that is Jeff Goldblum. Oh, yes. They like connect with you one on one and make you feel like, oh my God, he really cares and anybody would sleep with him. I think. Yeah. Well, Goldblum is easy on the eyes. He's easy on the eyes. And. Yes. Does that. Does that last? Has that nice bullshit sincerity that you just fall for. It's. Aw. And he really pretends to be interested. Feigns interest in everything he's saying. And. Yeah. And he's a world class Coxman himself. Although quietly. Quietly slides under the radar a little bit. I'll give you an example of a guy who's really not a good looking guy who all the women love. And I'll take it a step further. Not like Lyle Lovett. Think he's a good looking guy. Dwight Yocum. Dwight. Okay. Can I just tell you. Yeah. Of all the people in the world. Should I put a towel down? Yes. Because I've not scotchgarded this. I love Dwight Yocum more than you can ever imagine. So how do you know? How do I know you. How do I know you love him or how do I know he's not hot? No, how do you know I love him? You just get. He. You just. You put your hand on mine and I felt some of yoakum. I felt like a surge of Yocum come through my. Did somebody tell you that I Loved him or you honestly pulled his name out of a hat? Out of his hat that he always wears because he's balding? Yes. No, I'm, I, I'm. I mean, I'm an in tune person. I, I vibe on people. I feel like somebody told you that I love Try yoga. First off, how you heard the prep I do for the show. I was yelling at my sister about what to get from Home Depot. Right, that's true. All right, so you know there's zero prep involved with this show. It's crazy. Donnie doesn't know who the fuck Dwight Yoakum is. Well, he really thinks it's a kind of chew. He thinks it's a. It's. He thinks it's a tobacco. Not. Not. Yeah. So Dwight Yocum, to look at him is. Yeah. Okay. You're in love with Dwight Yocum. Yeah. Okay. And. And hold on. I have a surprise for you. Dwight. Yeah. I just want to say that we'll get him on this show. Dwight. Dwight's a really nice guy, as you know, friendly with him. I don't know if you spent much time. I actually met him for the first time. I went to his concert. Oh, okay. Well, that's, that's, that's invited on the tour bus. Oh, really? Didn't make it onto the tour. You did. I did. I got. I was invited onto the bus. He only takes that hat off for one thing. So Spade and Yokum in the same week. Yeah. Oh, yeah, those are. That's my type. All right, that's Adam Crollo Show 114 from 2009. Coming up next, we have Adam Carollo Show 3210 featuring Gina Grad and Brian Bishop. This is from December 2021. Once again, another ACE Awards, the 15th annual. Wow. Racking these guys up. All right, New Year's resolution. Vow to eat healthier. But what about your beloved pets and their nutrition? Yeah, you're doing better. But they're getting a bunch of dried up old kibble. Dr. Dennis Black created rough greens and meow greens to bring their dead food back to life with live vitamins and minerals, probiotics, enzymes, omega oils, antioxidants, and more. See, pet food is dead food. And eat dead food. Soon enough you're going to join it. You need to bring it to life, all by the way in a tasty formula your dog or cat will love. It'll improve their coat, digestion, energy and mean less vet bills. I've been doing this with Phil holding the sack right now. Vita Smart. You don't have to buy food and keep it in the refrigerator. You just sprinkle this on top of the food you're currently serving your dog or your cat. Get a Jumpstart trial bag. It's normally 20 bucks. It's free with the promo code Adam. You just cover shipping. It's a free Jumpstart trial bag. That's it. Just go to ruffgreens.com use the code ADAM. Try it out for free. Your dog's going to love it. And you'll notice the difference quickly in your dog's vigor and health. Rough greens. So good your pet will ask for it by name. From the historic Corolla 1 Studios in Glendale, California, it's the 2021 ACE Awards, celebrating the very best of the Adam Corolla show this year, featuring trophy girl, Gina Grad and seat fil bald Brian. And now your host, Adam Carolla. Well, here we are again. I can't believe it. Is this our 12th? Dawson? 11th. Too many to count. I was laying around thinking about this, and I was thinking, where are we? Did we do one our very first year? We did1in2006 on the radio show. Oh, okay. Well, then Maybe it's our first. 14th or 15th anyway. The podcast era, who knows? Well, I can tell you as the newest cast member, it's my seventh, so it's been a lot. Wow. So I don't know, let's figure that one out as we roll into this because we started in like, what, February 09 or something like that? I guess this 2010 would have been the first ACE Awards, but. Yeah, because that was our first full year. Yeah, that's when we started collecting drops and the whole thing. All right, well, here we are again. We have a long show, so I'll try not to do too much filibustering in between bits. Everything reminds me of something. All right, we have some gifts to get through before we get rolling into best impression indeed. Brian, I feel like you want to just do something or does it matter? Can you give a gift first? Yeah, it's probably for the best. Mine is thoughtful. That's about it. I got all the boys, not Adam something. They're all the same. So go ahead and take those out. Your own little spurtle set since we've been talking about the spurtles. Nice. And Adam, this is for you. Dawson, use your spurtle to get the last of my goulash that you heisted for me out of the Tupperware. I would venture to say spurtles Were made for goulash. For the paddle, the scoop. All of it. So wooden paddle, scoop, all in one tool except for the three of them. Yeah. Well, some are slatted. That's right. Some are thin. I threw away all my spatulas once I started with the spurtle. Big spoons. And this is for you, Adam. Beautiful again, you know. Thank you. Do what I can. Thank you. You have a little present on top and a big present. I'm just proud of my wrapping because I'm not known. This looks professional wrap. Thank you. I'm not known for that. Rapping is one of those things where you either have to be good at it, just sort of naturally dexterious or what have you or you have to have a strong will to please. That's me. I'm 0 for 2. Now this is probably not something you want to display, but I love this picture so much. Not on that side, but I just. I love that picture. So that's a little fridge magnet for you. Oh, that's wonderful. We have all stainless steel appliances. That is wonderful. Double stick is for one of the moments at the wedding when Adam was giving his speech and I'm just looking at him just so happily. I just love that moment. So that's for you. That's wonderful. Oh, good. It's thoughtful and wonderful and the kind of thing you hang on to. Not necessarily cherish, but you. You don't have to. I mean, look, you'd be a weirdo if you cherish that. But it's. But you have it. That's right. You know what I mean? It reminds you of stuff. That's right. That's right. All right. Now you just rip that shit open and you got your own spurtle set. But it's a little fancier. Son of a bitch. This is the. Yours is a nice teak wood with a wooden container and a wooden spoon rest. Well. Nice. Finally. So I was hoping you didn't already get it. Oh, well, I wore out my old spurtle set. Oh, good. So now I have a brand spanking new one. So this is the eco chef. Oh, yeah. And it's supposed to be very nice. Beautiful. Thank you. You're very welcome. Well, I now know what Olga's gifted spertle. Beautiful. Thank you. Oh, I don't know where to set it. I just lay it down. Set it over here. Thank you very much. Brian, you guys have guests in front of you. Hold off on those for one second because everyone out of this roof knows that I am the clever, thoughtful, gift giving kid. Every year, you know, try to do myself or at least match what I've done in the past. So when Gina text me a couple months ago out of the blue, said, hey, I'm getting everyone's squirtles, I said, that bitch getting into my territory, right? Clever. Thoughtful. Guess where do I go from here? Yeah, well, where do I go? Let's turn to an old friend, a former friend of the show. Kaelyn, fire up the video. Hey, Corolla team Alison Bedell here. Just checking in to wish you a merry Christmas, happy holidays and happy Hanukkah and wishing you lots of love and prosperity in the new year. And somebody to use this on you every day for the rest of your life. Double ended dildo. Can we all open ours? Everyone's open it up. Wonderful. Oh yeah, fabulous. Nice set from Allison. It's the gloved beaded massager that you can use on yourself or others. Also, you should have included a feather duster because this thing's gonna gather and it straps like a little sand. Oh, how's that feel, Jamie? That's fantastic. Yeah. The backstory is I found out that Skip and Allison when we're doing catch a contractor, that even when we would have call times for 6:30 in the morning and Corona's already got a challenge, she would rub him down every single. I said, but you gotta get up at, you know, half hour. That's what we do. She makes him his oats, gives him a nice rub down. God knows what else happens at wee hours of the morning. But this is wonderful. Thank you, Brian. This is no spertle. I apologize, but this will have to do for the holiday season. What did I say before the show? What did we talk about this evening? What did you wrote? Oh, nothing. Okay, I'll tell you later. You know, try to predict my game. Yeah, it'll be too weird. I'll tell you later. All right, this is, this is fantastic and thoughtful. You guys got a gift certificate so we can push ahead? Oh, thank you. With the show and in front of you there, boss, you'll see a 14 year bottle of whiskey or bourbon. I'm not sure, I didn't read the label. That is for me for you to drink while you lament me taking a tupperware of goulash. I will give a penny. Take it. I'll round it in. 14 year old scotch. Thank you very much. All right, shall we power ahead? Let's do it. The nominees for best impression are. Adam Ray as Mark Wahlberg. I'm just a regular Garbage guy. I don't really do too much stuff, you know, I just kind of drive around Philly, you know? I love Philly. I drive around, I high five my friends. I say hi to my mom. Say hi to your mom for me. Wait, the Eagles have a tryout? Should I go to the Eagle tryouts? Yeah, you need to go. Vince, I think the Eagles are having trouble, so they have to play football for him. I think I could. I don't know. I say, what do you think, best friend? Can I play for the Eagles? I say, you just date that bartender and call it a life. But being a bartender is, like, my true colleague. I feel like it can make people happy. Two or one jacket goats. You love that for me. But, Vince, you're too old. I'm only 40. That's too old. You didn't play college ball. You're undersized. I'm not a dog. I'm just a guy with a passionate heart. Hang out with the townies, watch from the sofa. It's safer. But what about my kid? Don't I have a kid? I fucking forget what happens in this movie. Who's gonna pay for my kid's lunchbox? Vince, Bill Burgie's gonna crush you if you go out on that field. No way. I'm fast as fuck. Oh, shit. This is a Disney movie. I'm fast as fudge. Kyle Dunnigan as Sylvester Stallone. Kyle's a comedian who does a pretty killer. Sylvester Stallone. Two Stallones. This is almost like too many Stallones. You know, Sly, I do appreciate you being in the dock. I know. You know, you probably did it with some apprehension. What do you mean? The doc, the documentary, the Stallone, about your brother. Why you got to shorten all words? You're always shortening words. I know what you're talking about. Listen, after the show, I'll take you out for some froyo and I'll explain it to you. What the hell's this? Royo Cappuccino and Sensible Woman. Hey. Hey, Frank, you want to go look at this guy? He was always busting my boss as a kid. Imagine your baby brother busting your boss. You know? Now, did you, when you have. Frank was the handsome one, so it wasn't fair. When you're initially asked to be in the documentary, Frank's documentary, did you. Thank you for using the entire word, Mr. Carot. Sorry. Were you excited about it? Did you need to sleep on it? Did you need to be talked into it? Look, Frank asked me to do something. I'll do it. You understand? The brotherly love is strong. If Frank asked me to bury a body, I buried the body. Wow. No questions asked. I'd have to think twice about it. I did the doc right away. This may be a little intimate, but you ever share the love of the same woman? I don't know how much Frank wants me to reveal here, but one time. This is a pretty funny story we were doing. You know, we had a girl with the. I think they called a pig roast. Oh, boy. I don't know. Is this too much? He says, fine, but that's Frank. He's smiling. He remembers. Look at Frank. He remembers. Look at that smile. I love that smile. Brad Williams as Ted Koppel. Now, this is from the exquisite song Pop that Pussy. I like big booty and big old titties Bitch, you know you've been fucked by many so come and be my private dancer I got some money if that's the answer I really want to be with you I get hard after seeing you. How hard? Hard like a rock when you make that pussy pop. Wow. There he is. The great Ted Koppel, everybody. I'm Ted Koppel. Stay tuned for Nightline. I still need a little more of that, Brad. I need more Tube Live Crew lyrics. Or maybe here's one of our freaky bitches. Oh, all right. I. I enjoy those types of women. Okay. Oh. This is verse two from the esteemed lyricist, Fresh Kid Ice. Freaky with plenty of ass Roll into the music and shaking real fast Bend over backwards, make me shout and work that in and out Moving their. Moving their booty with plenty of action Bringing to the men more satisfaction Doing what they feel to turn us out Just work that pussy all the way out. Nice. That was wonderful. Now stay tuned for Night Learn. Kyle Dunnigan as President Biden. When are we gonna reopen the schools? Because that's been. I'm in California. The schools have been closed for about a year now. I know the CDC was talking about opening the classrooms. The teachers unions are talking about getting vaccinated. Do you have a stance or policy on that, Mr. President? Look, look, first we got. What we got to do is figure out what your question was. Second. Second, we gotta do this. Open the schools a little bit of time, right? First you open the front door. That's where kids get in. Not the teachers, man. Then you go down the hallway, open the hallways. Next. Mayor. Mayor June. Yeah. Right. Then you start open the class, man. It's like the. It's like the locker room, man. You got to get Bend over. But President Biden, if I may, in this country, we take pretty much end of May to end of August off. So by the time the door opens, school will be in, summer will be out. Well, look, look, look. I'm not. I'm not some wizard here is going to tell you which. Which ways. What? You got to make sure you got a plan. And if you take that plan, you split in two like a sandwich. The first half. Don't give it. Don't give it all away. Come on, man. And Brian Whitman as Rick D's Dr. David Viscott, who I did, like, did some work with when he used to be on with Rick D's. Oh, David, you're wonderful. I love what you do. Dr. D. David Viscott, right here on the D's hotline. Hi, David. It would be this. He. A lady would call her a man. But the call I'm remembering is a woman who said, I can't find a man. I will for a week or two. I'll have feelings. And then they go away. And David Viscott, like, from asleep, totally quiet, went, when did you learn your father was an alcoholic? And she goes, oh, my God. I was 12, you know? And it was like, david, what is with you? But it was that impressive, dude. It really was incredible. I did a sketch at the Acme Comedy Club where Paul, one of the guys, and I think the guy went on to do Animaniacs, Freakazoid and stuff like that. All tall rug, not rug. Played David Biscott in the. In a sketch stand. That's. That's how much I like David Viscott, my friend. Can I tell you. Yeah, right, my friend. What was that? Right? Yeah. I don't. Rick, these. Oh, you know it. Hey, David. It's Wednesday, and here he is. What's up? What was that? Well, I'm just doing the show right there. Well, that, my friend. It's just me. What was that? Stop. Go back. Okay. You know. God dang it. Why does he have to come in? Hey, my friend. Stop there. What was that? Well, that was a nervous tick. Okay, go back, my friend. Okay, it is. Kiss. Right here. All right. Not that far. God. Come forward, my friend. Where it is 51. There it is. These green. What was that? Right here at Kiss. And we have, my friend, these. What? Sleaze. Go back. Panties. What was that? Free installation. Stop, my friends. Hmm? Go back. Oh, I'd love to give you dinner for. What was that? Tony Romas. What was. No, no, come forward. Oh, that. That was me overcompensating. For feeling diminished. Stop right there. Right there. What was that? That was me reaching for the new number one from George Michaels. My friend, I need you to stop. Well, David, go back. Ah, it's Rick now. Right there. That was what? What was that? That was the Million dollar station Id. Go back, My friend. If I call your birthday, match the month, you get a thousand dollars, my friend. Move forward $10,000. And if you nail the year, it's $1 million. My friend, I need you to stop that. Just for being born. Go back. What was that? That was lnk with the weather. God damn, I forgot how funny it was. Magical. Does everyone know what Rick D sounds like around the country? Yeah, he's nationally syndicated. Yeah, I mean, he took over for Casey the Weekly. I think so. Yeah. All right. Wow. I'm so glad I do not have to make this selection, because it is powerful. Best impression. Brian Whitman is Rick D. Well earned, well earned, well earned. Because not only did he sound like Rick D, he was able to jump forward and jump back in the phrase that pays greed. That's right. Free installation. It was like Rick Dees had a stroke, and you were, like, waking him up, and he was just spitting out gibberish from his past. You'd short circuit it. All right, we now move ahead to our first installment. Number one installment of rant of the Year. Our first nominee for Rant of the Year, Canada Covid. And the NHL finals. Tampa Bay won last year. Good. I hope they kick the fuck out of those Canadians. You want to know why? Because this is a battle for the soul of COVID The fucking Canadians are shut the shit down. They're still shut down. You watch any highlights from the Canadiens, and they've got the tarps over the hole. And that big, fat fucking pussy Trudeau has shut down that place. Well, not fucking Tampa Bay, bitch. Yeah. If any state could do it. If any state can fucking win the battle for Covid. This is a battle for Covid. This is our most open state versus the fucking totalitarian, lockdown, fucking pussy regime that's over there. There's nobody in the fucking place now. Of course, there's 200,000 people in the street all mashed together, jumping on top of each other. That's outside of the arena. But inside the arena, there's literally tarps. And the whole lower deck. All the pussy states and nations and cities, they block off the lower deck for some reason. But if you get up into the higher seats, there seems to be some people in there. Trudeau is a fucking colossal Pussy. And he's fucking tyrannical. He's like arresting his own people for having parties and shit. He has that entire place shut down. Fucking Florida's been open for nine months. We need to fucking kick the shit out of those fucking Canadians. And we do it the name of fucking Covid. And then after we beat their fucking ass, we say to Trudeau, maybe if your team had an audience, maybe if they had fans, maybe if they cheered. You know how you know in professional sports, your home games, your home team record is better than you're on the road. Every game is a road game. When you're a. Put that on your coffee mug, Prudeau. I hope he doesn't let anyone cheer on their team. I hope Tampa kicks their ass and we do it for America. Tampa won, right? Yeah. All right, moving on. We have invention of the year. I look, we all love these because you forget about half the stuff we were talking about. You have some vague recollections of others. So here we go. Invention of the year. The nominees for invention of the year are. Neck pillow flask. I want to give you a heads up on American Airlines. You are going to have to wait for alcohol sales to resume next year. They're looking at January 18th of next year to consider taking the suspension off the in flight. Alcohol service cut off in first class too. I mean the whole plane. The first class is Caesar salad cart being pushed down. They. They came for the food. Now we get the hummus box in first class. And if you remove the booze and we're not even in first class class anymore. I got an invention. Yeah. Neck roll flask. Oh, great. Come on. Now I have the barnaculars. I took the USC games. Yeah. But stand out like a sore thumb on an airplane. This can be done. You pop the straw in where you inflate it when you. No, no straw. Just. You've been inflating that thing for seven hours now. Get the out of my face capacity. You want some of this? That was all Central Valley North 1981. I think I got a leak in the backside shaft to keep pumping it. They might get suspicious when you're giving friends hits off your neck pillow at a certain point. But the neck pillow cake first off, totally undetectable. Could not, could not tell what was in there. He's got more, more lung capacity than I do have asthma. Gay identification vest. I'm going to make this prediction. By the way. All couples are now mixed on on television. Right now we're at a stage in 2021 where when the kids are involved, they're a mixture of the couple. Sure. I say coming soon. White woman, black man, Asian kids. I think that's gonna be the next one. That's right, because there's a spot open. Right. You can get an ethnicity in there. Wow. Or they'll be wearing my new invention, which is the gay vest. Excuse me, how does that work? Well, like, they take pictures and they talk about diversity and all that kind of stuff, but we can't tell who's gay. We can see the black guy and the white guy and the guy in the wheelchair, but we can't. We see the blind guy's got the dog, but we can't tell who's gay. Very offensive. Mincing or something. You know, something. Yeah, I'm just on like a company photo or something like that. You know, this has been tried in history before. Gay vest. Close. Making Jews wear yellow stars. I don't think. Okay, gay star. Bottomless golf shoes. You got invention. I do mine for like the. The country club hippie people like me. When you play golf, as soon as you get to the first green or you're halfway down that first fairway, the shoes come off. I love to play golf barefoot, but when you're coming in after nine and you're coming back to the clubhouse, people see you, you're walking around barefoot, they don't like it. So I want a pair of bottomless golf shoes so that when you're playing the high end country clubs. Yeah. People from a distance think you're wearing shoes, but the joke's on them because you're comfortably barefoot throughout the whole course. Well, I hope the people from footjoy are listening. But I would also argue it flies in the face of why they invented golf shoes, which is to have bottoms tread. Sure. No, these are very, very cheap. You can get them for like 12 bucks because they're just the top of the shoe. So the top down golf shoes. Yeah. All right. I think you're leaving money on the table here, Dawson, because I think this is more the surfer guy with the sign at the taco place that says, no shirts, no shoes, no service. That guy. Well, it's versatile. We can definitely branch out and hit other markets. But I want to start with the hippie golfers. Right. All right, then we'll go to surfers and we'll go to people now the beach community and we'll. We'll deal with those guys. You know, I was call them foot drapes. Foot drapes. Multi purpose sex robot for anyone who's creating a humanoid sex bot out there. Let's try to do away with the title sexbot. Let's come up with another name. We can keep the bot part, but the sex part a tell. If your wife discovers the humanoid sex bot in the entry hall closet, you're busted. And here's what I'm. Here's what I'm saying. Okay? You've created this incredible, lifelike animated piece of technology that guys can have sex with, but what you need to do is also give them another skill so we have plausible deniability. So make him a sex bot who can also push a lawnmower or something. And then when the wife finds it in the garage, we go, puff. Are you nuts? I got her to fucking mow the lawn so you wouldn't have to. No, no, no, you don't understand. It's a sex bot that also churns butter. Yeah. So butter. No, Gina, leave the sex spot part out. Oh, yeah, don't do that with your hands, Gina. And you'd be like, MX42. 5. Clean the gutters out. And then they'd go like, would you like another blow job? Like, what are you talking about? Highly regular. Where'd you get that from? This thing's on the fritz. You know, you can't buy these things used because resale is for shit, man. If there was ever time to use the term previously owned overused, this is the time and ascent. I think we have a new ACE Award for invention of the year. I am so confident of this that I'm going to give a preemptive sniff pre nomination. Wow. You ready? They have all the different flavors with the vaping and the cherry and the bubble gum. One that smells like ass. Yeah. You could walk into any compartment and any train, plane, automobile. You could go. You could go to the Pentagon and go into the bathroom and vape to your heart's content as long as everything you exhaled just smelled like ass. You could go into the smallest commuter flight and you could walk in there and vape your ass off. And then when you walked out, you just have to say to whoever's waiting in line, hey, man, you may want to give it a minute or. Okay. Sorry. You could never be accused. There'd never be a finger pointed right Once. This once. This is a runaway hit. You spin off to asparagus pea scent. Asparagus pea. Vape Ass. Vape. Dawson, I don't know a lot about your personal habits, but at the beginning, it would be difficult to transition into the ass flavored vape I'd like. Tastes like ass, too. Well, obviously. How you going to make it smell like ass? Tremendous upside, but I would say after nine months, you wouldn't eat when you were at home, you'd be reaching for the ass vapor. Like, you'd be like, this is what I'm now used to. Yes. Ass flavored vape. They're probably different ass flavors. You know what I mean? Like, let's face it, when Gina's squatting a log, it's not the same as Dawson, and it's not the same as the Porcelain Punisher. You know, maybe we dial one in for your own ass. I made some Portuguese beans the other night. I smell that as a flavor Portuguese bean. Yeah. Yeah, that's. It's awful. That's good. That's good. Who is the actor who used to do the blue spots? Not Ethan Hawke. He's on the show recently. Yeah. Oh, Dorf. Yes, Stephen Dorff. We get him. He's walking along the beach in Malibu, vaping. People are walking past him in the sand, like, put their hand off. I got the name. It's called Ascent as scent. Wow, man. Strong offerings. Yeah. Listen, I can't tell you who's going to win. I can tell you who's not going to win. Dawson and his Cleatless golf shoes. I just don't feel like there's a big crossover there, Dawson, between the sort of the hippie beach bum guy and the guy who wants to hit the links at the Riviera. Yeah, you got to try every now and then. Yeah, but here goes. Let's see. Invention of the year. Foot drapes. What? Oh, that's an inside. Holy smokes. That's an inside job right there. I wish I had something prepared. First of all, I want to thank God. I want to thank all of the nurses. You just pulled a paper out of your pocket, Dawson. What do you mean, prepared? I want to thank all the unwed single mothers and for shoeless golfers everywhere, this is for you. Lastly, to all of the naysayers, you ain't Babe Ruth, so don't call your shot. Yeah, toss it. I don't know. Something's fishy. This is a tainted Ace Awards. Speaking of tainted asset should have won. I'm hanging Chad somewhere. All right, this, by the way, is our 15th ACE Awards, which we start on Kayla sex. Three years on Kayla sex, but we missed. 09 as sort of predicted because we did half a year. And now 12th. 12th on the podcast. All right, we move on to Caller of the Year. Song of the year. Oh, I'm sorry, I got caller in the year in front of me. This is our first nomination for song of the year. So your envelopes will be. Song of the year will be in the house. Sorry, Number one. Our first nomination for song of the Year. Our first nominee for song of the year, Rich Banks and Mike lynch for 3,000 podcasts. We are on episode 2,999 today. Let's end it right here. Yeah, it's been fun. So tomorrow will be the 3,000th episode of this podcast. Jesus Christ, you blink. Where the hell did time go? So thank you guys for all listening for all these years and turning people onto the show. Dr. Phil is out Adam Ray Pool dumb commercial grade Huey Lewis and Ted Nugent two guys from the Doors, Ben Shapiro, Tucker Carlson, Dennis prager, Don Trump Jr. Robin Quivers Gwen Stefani, Minnesota Mall Oscar jokes Drunk tank Brad Williams, Jeff Goldblum, John Cleese, the Gilbert guy Dan Dunn is pouring right Kevin Bacon chassis made a doc on Willie T Covid Locked down homeless campers Little Miss Sunshine he's done 3,000 podcasts and he won't quit talking. No, he can't start squawking he's done 3,000 podcasts. No, we'll keep recording if you're downloading Charlies whoopee AOC all red and empty Maxine all the women who would be disgusted with his guy Rich Banks, bracket songs eat your feelings Food block and straight no chaser acapella rock all woke no joke New York Times snubs New bloke Giovanni superfan meltdown mash up strain and drive Crenshaw, Dennis Quaid, Howie Mandel, Nick Cage, vintage race no safe space Dr. Drew is tuned out. He's in 3,000 podcasts and he won't. We're talking to McCann done squawking, he's done 3,000 podcasts. No, he'll keep recording if you're downloading Gay walk out Dylan quit told his nephew hit the bricks Congress testify Max about his Google and write unprepared ping pong balls brand new Bertram crank calls Gina as Nancy grad bought two trumpets for his dad Kirsty Alley, Sean did Matt Damon, Christian Bale, Apatow, Trey Ho Baldwin, Rose De Niro, Sonny James woods tweets Kaylin Stegel, boss's sheets Calderon Donkey show Garrick Gillespie and Julio he's done 3,000 podcasts. Anyone? We're talking. No, he can't stop squawking. He's done 3,000 podcasts. No, we'll keep recording if you're downloading Dingle Boy done again with Bill Maher impression Ass crack Back sack DJ Khaled is a hack Mayor Garcetti big pussy toxic masculinity Love Boat has beens Earnestly's just asking Cobra Isaac K's techie trouble with his ways Cain did say rain that day Fuck up Leno's Chick Fil A He's done 3,000 podcasts and he won't quit talking no, he can't stop squawking he's done three, three thousand podcasts no, we'll keep recording if you're downloading Kraft working the hall of Fame Brian Cheats at TiVo Game Dawson Toolbox Hip Flask Green Guac NSNG Torto Rich Conchell on his penis Staples center hot dog cart AJ Benz his nephew's fart still gonna get at sliced alone Leno won't turn off his phone Waterhouse damage shack Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck interviews with Pauly Shaw -16 RT score the 24 hour war I can't think of anymore he's done 3000 podcasts anyone quit talking and we can't stop talking. He's done 3,000 podcasts. And like this song, we will keep going on and on and on. Oh, man. Epic. That is pretty tough to beat. I think Bang and Lynch are the new Lennon McCartney. They're good together. They're real good. Yeah, lynch is quite, quite a bright guy. He's a good writer, good lyricist. Lynch is pretty bright. Like, we're surprised. No, but he really knows his way around a phrase. You know, I'm hot on it. Cause we're writing. We're writing the. Finishing a book right now. So I'm talking to him a lot and I'm always like, oh, God, that's good. He's good. All right. This episode, by the way, is 3,000, 209 according to our statistician here. All right, so we have Caller of the Year as our next category. The nominees for Caller of the year are. Sam. Sam 27, Philadelphia. Hey, guys, what's going on? Hi, guy. So I'm actually the Sam's only fans probably two months ago. Yeah. Yeah. What's going on? Have to show your sack to any dudes today? Yeah, I actually made a lot of money today, you know, just showing sack. But is it mostly sack or you put some cock in there too? Yeah, some sort of limitation. There's. It's mostly cock with a, you know, white dripping sack. You have too Much sack. Then it gets weird. Oh yeah. In one proportion. Yeah, yeah, you don't want the prodigious sack. So you made good money today by showing your ding a ling to some fellas across the country. I've made 11 grand since Thursday. Oh my God. Little dinky. Where are these guys coming from? Are they around the world? Yeah, around the world. Is there countries or regions you're bigger in than others? No, it's totally random. I like one trans, you know, from Winnipeg messaged me today. It's all over the place. $11,000 in Thursday. Wow. And now what's the dick etiquette thing do you put a little glycerin on there so it winks at you, Oil it up, get a little leather going or how do we do it? No, I just, you know, get a half decent job and that's it. So I haven't tapped into the, the hard dick market. Really? Oh, yeah. I think when I do that then the money really comes in. Like when Dylan went electric. Yeah, I, I do love and I'm kind of poking fun, but not really because when I used to nude model, I would only do pencil sketches because I thought paintings were a little too photorealistic. So I am being a little glib, but you really think there's a big difference between half chub and full chub? We're gonna need more lead. Yeah, I think it's a pretty good difference. Okay. Yeah. Is there some sort of magical line that you won't cross? Yeah, I think right now the hard dick is the, the line that I'm not going to cross yet. But the money has been coming in. I really want to quit my job. Is that because you're deeply religious? It's your faith. Just. Just a shoved up oiled versus super diamond cutter cock? Exactly. Your faith dictates. Well, you really can't tell that much different from like a fully soft cock to a half chub cock. You know, you have to, you know, you have to see a lot of cocks to be able to really tell the difference. Dawson, is that true? And what is it? Jen. We got Jen over here from Oklahoma. Jen? Yes, sir. You're a raccoon lover. I am. True. And what are you selling? I'm actually selling the overflow, the multiples. I have a few repeats and, you know, I could part with them. I figured maybe there was someone else out there that was just in love with raccoons as much as me and might enjoy them. Well, why are you parting with your raccoons if you're so in love with raccoons. Well, that is a fair question. I, you know, I haven't done a count, but I have very excessive amount of raccoons. And you know, some I love more than others. You know what? The Marie Kondo thing, if you don't love it, you know, and some, some look a little too much like squirrels. And you know, maybe it's time for them to go. I don't need four of the same. And you know, maybe someone else needs some, some happiness in the form of a raccoon. Single gal. I know. I like the other gal. I. I currently am single. I don't blame it on the raccoons, though. I travel a lot for work, so. Shocking. Hey, Jen, tell us something about the. The. Hold on, I got a head rush now. Jen, do you like the song Rocky Raccoon by the Beatles? I don't know that I've heard it. What? This is the greatest day of my life. This is now the greatest day of my life. What? This is the greatest day of my life. I'm sorry. Birth of twins. I know. Listen, I also don't. I'm not a huge fan of like the trendy record. There's nothing, nothing you could say. There's. There's. That. There's no words. There's no. I'm not. I like George Harrison, but I like his solo work. I didn't like the Beatles when there's no words. Mike. So I was in Afghanistan, 2012. Our company commander comes over. He tasks my squad. He says, hey, go check this out. Do a battle damage assessment. So we walk up there, we can smell it from like 50 yards out. We're like, what the hell is that? So we get up there and there was a guy that was an RPG gunner and then a guy that was an RPG. He was carrying the extra rounds for the actual RP Rocket Propelled Grenade. So like in the 80s movies, the bad guys have the RPG, it shoots the rocket propelled grenade. Well, usually these guys, there's a guy with a backpack or a satchel that's got five or six extra rounds. The guy that was wearing the backpack took a direct hit from the 30 millimeter cannon and it just lit him up and all these things exploded and then it fused like all these empty tubes to him. So he's like this charcoal kind of corpse. He's still smoking. And the. The backpack is fused to him? Yeah, his. His whole bottom half was gone, but his upper torso was intact. Is he okay? Yeah, fine. He walked it off, you know, I gave him an attaboy, gave him a slap on the ass, and told him, you know, get back in there, buddy. He was. He was dead. What happened to his partner? He was smoked. Oh, he was dead, too. He got smoked. I think the initial explosion of one of the rounds kind of took them both out or took him out. That guy was pretty up, too. We didn't even bother calling our medic over, but. So there's like nine of us in an infantry squad. I think, like, six or seven of the guys threw up. Oh, so, like, these are hardcore dudes. Well, and this is multi. Oh, yeah. So this is. This is probably just the sight of that, I would imagine. This is the smell. The smell. It's like, whatever we've all seen. We've all seen pretty weird stuff like that. You kind of get used to it. But the smell is like, what is that smell? And it was funny because we had this dude that we had nicknamed Spicoli, because he's just like this. He wasn't from California, but he talked like some burnout surfer did. So we called him Spicoli. And he gets up there and he goes, check out this crispy. Yeah, it was pretty gnarly smell. Norman, what are you selling? What are you selling, Norman? Six pack of Seven up bottles. Oh. Vintage. Beautiful. Gorgeous, man. From the 60s. These do look old. Yeah. How did you. Did you hold on to these from then, or how did you procure these? Well, I find them in the street. Okay. And I bring them home and clean them up. And you look for certain years, you know, you get a lineup. You. You can. I'm staring at a 68, 69, 70, 71 different ones. People will collect the damnedest things, so I sell the damnedest things. Have you been in the San Fernando Valley your whole life? Since 65. Wow. I'm trying to think how old that makes. Did you go to high school out here? No, no, no. I was. I was transferred from the snow to the sunshine. That was in Connecticut. Prior to that, you got seen a lot of homeless people around the neighborhood? We do that. Yeah. And we discourage them and encourage them to leave. Because you. You. You're in Sherman Oaks, right? 10, 4. So zero homeless people from 65 until 10 minutes ago. Right. I mean, good run. Yeah. It was unthinkable to a homeless person in Sherman Oaks in the San Fernando Valley from the time you got there to 20, 19 and a half or something. Norman? Yeah. There's a string of motorhomes right on Sepulveda that's getting Bigger all the time. That's the big one, Adam. I mean, we all know about the encampments and stuff under the overpasses, but the motor homes, that's another big one where they just park in the nice neighborhood and you can't do anything about it. Well, it's this. Thanks. You can. You can complain. And we have. And we had some good results with city attorneys, CHP and Caltrans combos to move some people out and help them along their way. But did others come to fill their spots? I usually talk to them, and I tell them it's not a good idea to hang here because the last people left in a body bag. Wow. And then he takes a vintage 7Up bottle and he busted on a brick and goes, come on, hippies. You want some? You come to the right place. I invite them to leave in a nice way, and they think about that for a short while, and they don't hang, Norman. They keep moving. He gave him the body bag talk, but in the most polite voice. Do you have any other ideas I could use? This is the best one I've heard. You seem to know what you're doing. Yeah, now, I'm. I agree. If the. If the foo shits, wear it. If the shoe fits, wear it, I said. And, Jimmy, I got, like, thoroughly indoctrinated. These guys are really into gang bang. So not too much multiple girls, but, like, definitely multiple guys. Three to five guys. And when you get like that, I have, like, a comically small dick, and it's tough to, like, get hard when you're, like, with three other dudes. So it just turned into a fun thing. So you have get comments like, girls going, like, all right, I'm not sucking anybody else's dick until somebody eats my. And I would just jump in and, like, just to give you the kind of. The level of girls we're talking about here, one of them, I don't think could physically clean herself. And she was saying that. And so when I started eating her, she just smelled like straight piss, and it was just nasty. So that's the. We're getting into the kind of. What you guys were talking about yesterday with the, hey, would you rather do one eight or two that add up to a five? I think we're talking about one, which is good, but just a different scale. Now, where'd you meet these gals? MySpace was huge at that time, and so we would spam girls. You do 10 a day from each zip code, and then you'd have them over to your house and Then it. I don't know, just. It just worked out. By the way, the numbers game, Jimmy, let's circle back to you having a comically small hog and having difficulty achieving an erection with the other guys. And then he paused and said, so it was fun, but that's like saying, yeah, I'm a hemophiliac, so I like to walk through junkyards at night barefoot. It was fun. It was fun. I don't. It doesn't feel fun. I mean, it's funny. Everybody's laughing. It's like. It's tough to get a boner anyways because you're just like, I don't know, three dudes and so. And it's not like I have a micro penis. I'm in kind of a sweet spot. I don't have a micro penis, but it's like, you know, definitely smaller than average and definitely the smallest in any gang bang. Looks funny in a singlet, coincidentally, with wrestling. Yeah. Yeah. I like your confidence now. I like. That's a good time. I feel you're uniquely qualified to go down on a gal whose hygiene is less than spectacular because. Because of the wrestling background. Right. You're constantly having to lock antlers with sweaty dudes that are on top of you all the time, right? Oh, totally. Yeah. I have it in my DNA that that stuff just doesn't bother me. I'm ready to do it. So when she was making an ultimatum for the rest of us, hey, I'm not sucking any more dicks. I was like, hey, hey, I'll take this. Hit somebody with a boner that's actually a normal size, you can get in there and you can get your dicks up. I'm a good friend. Charitable. Wow. Jimmy's the mayor versa. That guy's a team player. You want him, you know, watching your six. Oh, yeah. Which is the back of your sack, right? In a gang bang, they're gonna watch a competitive category every year. Oh, my God. All right, Caller of the year, Sam. Oh, the first caller. Our resident Only fans, dude. Yeah. All right, all right, let's see. We move on to our second installment of Rant of the Year. Our second nominee for Rant of the year, the movie 2012. They built a bunch of arks, and of course, there wasn't room on the ark for all of humanity. So at some point, the people. People that all contributed the money to build the ark, had a seat on the ark. And then Kuzak gives this speech. It's like, you think people that have money are worth more than those poor. It's like, who the fuck paid for the ark, you fucking retard? The rich guy paid for the ark, Kuzak. The reason your fucking scrawny ass is on this fucking ark is because that dude gave a whole bunch of money 10 years ago to build an ark. And it's so fucking aoc, right? Like, how come everyone can't be on the ark? Well, everyone can't be on the ark because the fucking ark wouldn't exist according to your plan, which is nobody pays for anything, but yet we have this ark. The ark was built. It took a lot of money. And yes, sadly, people shall die. But the folks who paid to build the ark should get a seat on the ark, you fuck sticks. Why not the poor impoverished villager? Why doesn't he? You think he's not better than you? Or you better? It's like, well, I paid for the fucking ark, bitch. All right, let's see. Let me hit a piece of business here. Hey, it's Adam Kroll from the Adam Kroll the show. Bet Online is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online bet. From the earliest odds to in game live betting. Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen. With the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with Betonline. Betonline. The game starts here. The ACE Awards celebrates the staff's Google search history for 2021. News anchor Afro fired Kathy Griffin Botched lipo Schwinn Cotton picker Missing white woman syndrome Whirl butter Tyson Fury Love handles Fairfax Egg bank commercial Amy Smart Hot Joe Giudice Dildos Sofi Stadium food Gross frenulum Black birthing people Jersey Mike's at LAX Skin deep movie condom scene Barry Sonnenfeld Porn talking view master Pete Davidson Dating history mom Sex party California slave food Lobster Gay Superman Bathtub actress Private parts 330 million divided by 1.4 million Two girls fighting a fountain commercial Ethel Merman Love Boat Percentage of marathon winners from Kenya Drew Brees hair Jeff Fisher Breakaway glasses HBO Autopsy Show Silk vagina average size of foreskin Burt Reynolds Grandma alligator Trash can Dildo flying on field Funny pianist faces David Shulman North Hollywood High yearbook. Gay football commercial. The Japanese word for taint, that's this year. Google search history on to 2022 and more of the ACE Awards. All right, moving right along, we have our number three installment of Rant of the Year. Our third nominee for Rant of the Year, school reopening and the teachers union. I've been on record as hating fucking teachers. Teachers for a decade. Everyone told me, oh, they're heroes. They're heroes. They're heroes. Why do you hate teachers? I was like, because most of them are fucking horrible. And this thing where it's like, they're heroes. They're heroes. They're heroes. They work less than half the year, and it's like they don't get paid as much as a fire. Yeah, they don't work that much. They've chosen a job where they have three months off for the summer. I don't know anyone else who has that job. And every fucking federal holiday there is. Well, heroes. Heroes. Heroes. I think we found out who teachers are through this pandemic. If we've not found that out, and this thing where it's like, well, it's not them. It's the union. All right? It's the fucking union, then they should be pushing back against the union, and they're not. So thank you. I was early. Money on the cowardly teachers and their unions. They're despicable. They're cowards. It's been a goddamn calendar year. The rest of the country's open. It's completely safe to conduct business. The kids are not in danger at all. Get the fuck back to work, you fucking cowards. Jesus Christ. And you fucking people that want to tear me a new asshole for speaking this way, go fuck yourself. The fucking mop handle, you fucking pussies. Jesus Christ. We're talking about kids. Anybody? Anyone want to chime in or. No, no, no. He said something bad about teachers. Of course I said something bad about teachers. They're fucking cowards that shut the school down for no reason and they're blackmailing everyone to go back to fucking work. Of course I said something about it. Where's everyone else? Where the fucking voice is. Jesus Christ. Powerful. That's right. And passionate. Now we go to best reenactment. I love these. The nominees for best reenactment are. Gina and Adam. For first, porn in space with the floating semen protocol. There's gonna have to be some serious vetting. You be the porn star, Gina. Okay, hit. Listen, we're gonna do porn in outer Space. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. Everyone says yes to this, but I need a serious answer. Sure. Do you swallow? You know, it's not for me. Okay, you're out. Oh. Well, I mean, I can hold it in my mouth for a good long while till we land. I can put it in another girl's mouth in under two seconds. I'm looking at some of this legalese. It doesn't. Look, we could. Me and Honey can pass it back and forth until we land, and then I can spit it out. I need you to swap. Okay. I don't trust you anymore. Yeah, I can't do it because with the reflex. All right, hold on. Let me. Somebody get me my Nike bottle and put some buttermilk in there. I'm gonna check this. I understand this is a life or death protocol. Yeah, I didn't realize it was. I mean, you could literally put it in any other orifice. I just. I can't do it. Oh, we're gonna. Okay. All right. Well, you've been grounded. Come on. Sorry. I told you I can hold it for. Until we. Until we hit gravity? No, until we pierce the earth's surface. I'm sorry. You didn't pass this test. Okay. You want me to send Honey in? Yeah, send Honey in. Okay. All right. And what. What's her porn name? Nancy. Dawson and Brian for Larry David versus Alan Dershowitz. Larry David and Alan Dershowitz have got into it. They've made headlines after getting into an argument outside a convenience store on Martha's Vineyard. David screamed and yelled at him, according to Dershowitz, and that his face turned red. He even said he was worried Larry was going to have a stroke. It seems that somebody from Page Six wrote down the interaction, happened to be passing by, saw them fighting, wrote it down as accurately as he could. Lucky for you, we actually are going to be able to reenact this interaction between Alan Dershowitz and Larry David, I believe. Brian playing Dershowitz. Dawson playing David. Gentlemen, take it away. This is Martha's Vineyard. Martha's Vineyard outside a convenience store. They just ran into each other. It kind of feels like Dershowitz may have been kind of tracking him a little, but unclear. Here we go. We can still talk, Larry. No. No, we really can't. I saw you. I saw you with your arm around Mike Pompeo. It's disgusting. He's my former student. I gotta greet all my former students that way? I can't read my former students. It's disgusting. Your whole Enclave. It's disgusting. You're disgusting. It happened just like that. Gina and Dan Abrams for Nancy Grace and Dan Abrams. Dan, we're playing a clip of you and Nancy Grace. Oh. Does not like to be talked over. Can we just hear you being ripped by Nancy Grace? Please, Please. Let's cherish the moment. Let's cherish it. This is my opinion, but let me give you the three reasons why he has not been charged in connection with Stacy's death. First of all, I never got to my third reason, but go ahead. I'd be mad if you didn't just jump in. Go ahead. That was your third. I didn't get to my third, but I was. Your behavioral was your third with it. Go ahead. Wow. Calling her shot. Nancy, you got Dan on the blower. Now, I have been dreaming of this moment since the day we taped that episode. Dan, is it Dan? Ladies, raise your hand. Raise your hand if you've had enough of men interrupting you when you have not gotten to your third point. So what if point number two has 14 different exhibits? I hadn't gotten to my third point. But, ladies, raise your hand if you're sick of being interrupted by male chauvinists like Dan here. Gan. Gan. Who. Who likes to drive his Porsche. Oh, you know the kind of man I'm talking about. The Porsche on Park Avenue. Well, wa. Wa for D. Yep. Oh, I know it well. Am I triggering you? You are bringing back some very, very, very scary memories. Gina and Adam for couples argument and mask mandate the parent that is going off on the school board. That ain't an experienced masker. And at some point when they're dressing down the school board, the mask, it invariably slides down. Oh, it has to, because a lot of gesticulating going on, a lot of chin movement. Sometimes these guys have beards. You know, there's like, oh, I'm not gonna stand by and let you turn my son into a daughter. And at some point, you know, the thing goes down, and then the school board, who's in the best position ever for anyone yelling at you, gets to just go, mask up. Which invalidates your argument. It always stops the person. And then they go, like I was saying, where was I? They're on the clock. I just thought this should be, you know, implemented domestically. Yeah, like, the wife fucking comes in and found the lipstick on. Got a real head of ste. You said you called it off with her, and I believed you. You said that it was over and we were going to go to counseling. Mask up, please. Oh, sorry. Mask up. Like I said. You said that this was going to be. I can't really. What? Is your mask up? Yeah. No, I can see one of your nostril. I see one of your nostrils. Hold on. I thought we were going to go to counseling to make a breakdown with it so we can pick the camera for Eric. Oh, we're going fishing. Let's get to the crib. All right, It's a mask up. What's for dinner tonight? Me too. You came in here with a head of steam. What? All right, go ahead. Sorry. Keep going. You told me taking the different things I gave you to the earth. Keep going. What? Mask up. I can't get that mask up. I need you to get the mask, ma'am. What? Jenny Lynn, I need you to get your mask on. Hold on. Okay. All right, look, I'm gonna go watch the top 10 on SportsCenter because they never let me down. I can't understand you, but get the mask up, please. I'm sorry. Your time is up. Oh, God damn it. Your time is up. And Adam and Pete Holmes for 7up commercial recording session, the one and only uncooler. Ah, Pete Holmes. Oh, you be, you be the actor, and I'll be the, I'll be the engineer, and we'll try to see if we can record the unit Cola Vo. Because he's like viancola. Okay, Ready? Yeah, I am ready to go. All right, so I, I, I see the, the tagline is just a hhhhhhh. Exclamation point. Yeah. So you say the un Cola and then you go, ah. And we'll just lay that in over the visual. Please, please don't give me a read. That's very. Okay, sorry. Don't give me a read. Yeah, no, I'm just saying with the. I got the guys from the ad agency here. I understand. They just said. They told me to tell you. I think I, I think I got it. Ready? Roll. Okay, I'm rolling. Roll on rehearsal. Let's roll the uncle. Yeah. All right. Is that good? You know, I'm glad we rolled on it. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. I think I know the problem. Let me try it again. Okay. Seven up. Are you rolling? Yeah, I'm rolling on it. I'm rolling on the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, just keep it, Keep it going. Seven up. The Ankola. Oh, my God. I'm coming. Oh, my God, I'm coming. A clear soda. Okay. Yeah. Just judging by the looks of the guys from the ad agency and some of the representative executives from 7up, I'm just looking at some of these guys right now. They're not saying anything. But can you. Can I just say how much I'm degrading myself by even doing this fake nondescript Caribbean accent? Just take what I'm giving you. Okay, last take. What? Wait a minute. This is a. This is the last take. That's not even your normal accent. No, no, I'm not from Matt in Not real place. This is a stupid campaign based on the James Bond Live and Let Die. That was fake too, baby. I'm from Queens. I'm from Queens. Maxine, you're gonna tell me that wasn't a real mini submarine he was traveling around in 7up? The uncooler a little bit. All right, I'm out of here. Okay. Send a check to my agent. All right, let's sing out that audio. Let's piece it together. Wow, how do we confuse. All right, I'm opening it up. Best reenactment, Pete Holmes seven UP recordings. Well deserved. I had no idea what that bit was. When I heard Pete Holmes 7up recording session, I would have. I had no recollection of it. All right, let's see. As we roll along, we go into our second offering for Song of the Year. Our second nominee for Song of the Year straight. No chaser for the movie medley. There are dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Oh, no, they just escaped the power went out Setting them all free. Run for your lives. He's got cool cars and gadgets. Loves brunettes and blondes. Your husband loves these movies. He loves brunettes and blondes. And Daniel Craig, Connery and Roger Moore. And the. To other guys you've never heard of before. Bond. James Bond in theaters now. Man, those guys are good. All right, we move on to Outstanding Achievement in Shitting on a Point or Story. Brian, the category. Time to shine, brother. Here we go. The nominees for outstanding Achievement in Shitting on a Point or Story. Brian. For Ethel Merman's age, this love boat's from 1982. So there's Ethel Merman. What would you say Ethel Merman's age is by her picture? Don't do any other math. Yeah, but just by the picture. I would say early to mid-70s. Yeah, looks mid-70s. Or by today's Standish, it's 81. Yeah, I mean, because you think I'm like. Think of like, Nancy Pelosi, you know, jet black hair, lots of filler, but any of that, I'll say mid-60s. Mid-60s. She looks like she's from the mid-60s. Don't factor in stuff. Brian, just say how old does she physically look? Late 60s. I would say 77. Okay, I knew that wasn't gonna go well, but. All right, she, she looks like a woman in her 60s. Drew's wife is in her 60s is what I'm saying. That's today. That's best. I know, but not. We're not factoring anything in. I'm just saying what does she look like? Okay, I'm gonna say 68. Okay. In the 60s. Okay, all right. In the 60s. Okay. That's how. If you just saw a picture of her today, no context, you'd go, that woman's in her 60s. It's a 68 year old woman. Okay, all right, all right, then look older than 60, Drew. My wife is 65. Okay, but you're saying don't factor other things in, like how six year old women look today. That's exactly what you're doing. I'm saying Basically, whatever this 1982, that's what a 68 year old woman looked like. All right, all right, fair enough. I'm simply just saying I don't want to factor in the year. I just want to say what, what does she look like to you? Sixteen. Okay. Good night, Brian and Gina, for the Wii spa incident. Would you like to hear my theory on this? Yes. And it may be pointing. I don't know. I don't think this person exists. I don't think this happened because this is somebody who, if this really happened, we would have, I would have brought you by now so much of their Instagram, they would be telling you exactly how they feel about it. They would have been interviewed. There would have been plenty of footage of them talking about how they feel about it. This did not happen. This would be Tubi or Ruby or whoever the fuck we talked to who set the weightlifting record. They would let you know. I am, whenever I bring in a, a news story like this, that nine times out of 10, I also bring you something from their Instagram account telling you how they feel about it. This person does not exist. Every day that passes that we don't hear from the person, this is about, I do not believe this person exists. I'm gonna piggyback on this and say if this person exists, there's a new Jackass movie coming out. If we're talking about what seems more likely that this person who seems to exist has never shown their face, or no one's ever tracked them down to interview them, or there's just a crazy woman in la. Well, yeah, But I can also make the argument for the crazy person who doesn't want to do an interview or anything, just want to go stare titties and then just want to fucking go home and beat off. Like, didn't want to be on Maury Povin. Yes. But because this caused this sparked protests and beatings and crazy stuff. Wouldn't there be some article or some anchor who said, we spoke to their publicist but they didn't want to be talked to? I haven't heard any of that. Well, I know it's saying it has a publicist. I'm just saying if it's just a dude who just like. Like when, when you go to summer camp and you could go into the girls thing or the boys thing, everyone's getting dressed to go out in the pool or something. If some dude just wanted to walk into the girls side and check out some tits and ass, at some point he got shooed away and he left. He would just leave. Like, I don't. I don't know that he'd have a press conference or a public. Some producer from some local news station would track this person down and at least say, would you like to be interviewed? And then they'd go on as an anchor and say, we tried to contact them. They weren't interested. I could, I could certainly see the possibility where this person is a peeping Tom. Just wanted to see some boobs in the locker room. My guess is, my guess, I hunch, is this person's a provocateur, much like Zubi and like, wants to make a point. This is making a point. This isn't one of season boobs, I don't think. Or you think this is in a jackass way. They tore off wig, they put on their men's clothes, they walked out unassumingly. Nobody ever knew who was down there. Feels intense, like making a point. Like intentional. Well, there's a lot of just fucked up people that could have just fucking went in there. All right. Of course, you know, now you thought he went in there. I first had. You thought he didn't go in there. Right. He didn't exist. Then we all sort of thought, I think he went in just because he could. Okay. And Brian thinks there was a person that went in to make a scene. Be a provocateur like Zubi. Yes, in that vein, yes. But they were doing it intentionally as opposed to. Right. But Gina stuck. Started with a deep dive into trying to find out who this person was. And there was no information. But that could also Be why? That's what I'm saying. If he changed out of his. Whatever, whatever she claims he was wearing his little nightie and wig, shoved that away and just walked out like a man, then that person, the person she's talking about, does not exist. That's why they haven't been able to track him down. This feels pretty elaborate. And this is coming on a month now. I'm just saying. Unless he's shooting a Jackass movie. Yeah, that's possible. That's certainly possible, but it's not. It's low percentage. Low percentage, but like real low. But in the world, in the world of TikTok influencers and trolling people, it's not that crazy. But he hasn't done anything yet. It's been a month. And Brian, for conspiracy theories. There are people in this society who are, like, truly racist and, like, want to do harms, you know, fear people who look different than them. It's not 72% of the fucking country, like many politicians would want us to believe. And I believe they're nut jobs or flat earthers who think the twin towers were brought down or there wasn't a Jew in the building. And QAnon and babies and drinking blood never make the argument that they do not exist. They would have to exist. You know, we got 330 million people. I would be surprised if none of them were racist and none of them did believe in QAnon and do all this kind of stuff. I just don't think it's at the level that they want us to believe it's at. And the reason I don't believe it at that level because I never see any real world examples of it. I don't meet. I've never met anyone who's deep into QAnon. I don't know anybody who's a deep racist, you know, other than myself, obviously. It's like, why isn't it manifesting itself in a. In a much more assertive way? Or why. Why isn't it a part of my life? All right, so I can be naive. But they're out there and we can make fun of them. I just. I don't look at it as a threat. Yes. I think it's just a bit dismissive to say that because these individual conspiracy theories, they're Venn diagrams. The guy who believes the 911 conspiracy also believes the other conspiracy. Then you end up with Timothy fucking McVeigh who blows up the federal building in Oklahoma City. Then you end up with the guys at the Capitol riot. These Guys are all. They believe. Some version, if not. All right, but what did the guys at the Capitol ride do? You know what I mean? Like, what. What happened? Their chick got shot in the face. There's a few Chewbacca guy bodies, I guess. How many dead bodies? I don't know. I don't know. Do you want me to tell you? Yes, please. Justify the actions of the Capitol rioters. All right, well, I can tell you how many dead bodies there are. How many? There's one who was shot by a cop. There's a cop who they said was bludgeoned with a fire extinguisher, but he wasn't. And then there were three people who killed themselves, I think. And then there's Chewbacca guy. I mean, these are not. I'm not being dismissive, Brian. These are not. This is not a full attempt. This is not a coup. This is not them taking over our system. But you end up with. But you end up with events like this, Richard. Yes, you do, but what's the black. What did Black Lives matter? Do I. I bet I. Forget it. All right. Only money, son. Brian. Still go. My chances point. Brian and Gina. The We Spy incident. Incidentally, I think one of the liveliest conversations of the year. Well, I hung back and listened. You know, I think this might be the wrong word, but, like, it's fun to, you know, speculate and try and figure out what's going on. I enjoyed that conversation for the first 20 minutes. Whatever happened to that guy? Who's to say we were. We're. You know, it was like. It's like. It's Lance Bass Syndrome. We were like, are you gay? Are you gay? He's gotta be gay for five years. And then he goes, I'm gay. And we go, all right, we're done with you. Moving on. We're moving on. Like, where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Oh, we found him. All right, next. That's kind of how we are as a society. We're much more interested in the chase than we are in the actual. The result is always. You know, it's kind of like the big prize fight. Build up, build up, build up. Bad blood, bad blood, bad blood fight. Two and a half rounds. Lackluster. You know, that's it. We're all. It's weird. We're all foreplay. As a society. We're kind of all foreplay and not really sexual, and that's what. But we wanna ignore the foreplay and go to the sex. Yeah, it's this thing where we're wired for the foreplay, right? We love the hype. We love the buildup. We love the coming into. And then it's like, you're done. I mean, it was like, think about, like, Russian collusion and all that stuff. Like three years of like, oh, we're getting an answer. And then we get an answer like, all right, moving on. What's next? We like the chase. A very early example movie example of that. The Truman Show. Remember the big ending to that when he realizes he's in this thing and everyone just turns off their tv. Yeah, we're all foreplay and chase, but we also always want to power through the foreplay. Everyone wants to open their presents not Christmas morning, but Christmas Eve that night. Remember when you were a kid? You're like, we just open one tonight, but it's not good for you. All right, we have rant of the year number four, Rant of the year. Our fourth nominee for rant of the year, Sanjay Gupta and Dr. Fauci. All right, I will play this Fauci. Sanjay Gupta. It only took Sanjay 19 months to ask fucking Fauci a real question. And Fauci, stupider liar. He's the world's most leading expert in infectious disease. He's being asked about natural immunity. Well, this is a new subject for him, evidently. Let's see what his thoughts are. And just real quickly, there was a study that came out of Israel about natural immunity. And basically the headline was that natural immunity provides a lot of protection, even better than the vaccines alone. Hold on. Pause it there for a second. It's not a lot. And even it's 27 times more. That was the study I was going to say. I've got guys who are signing declarations in the cases that it's. It's exponentially. That's the word that they're using, right? Financial. This is Sanjay soft pedaling it. Because remember, we're on the same side. We're into fear porn. So I don't want people to get excited, but go ahead. What do. What are people to make of that? So. So as we talk about vaccine mandates there, I get calls all the time. People say, I've already had Covid. I'm protected. And now the study says maybe even more protected than the vaccine alone. That may also get the vaccine. Says. Doesn't say maybe. Just says it is Sanjay, man of science. Studies don't say maybe. They say it's 27 times more effective. Sanjay. Dr. Sanjay. That's what it says. Doesn't say maybe. Go read the fucking study. Sorry, go ahead. But he's got soft pedal it because we got to ask Fauci a real question. This is a difficult time for our news organization. We have to ask a semi real question. They also get the vaccine. How do you make the case to them? You know, that's a really good point, Sanjay. I don't have a really firm answer for you on that. That's something that we're going to have to discuss. Regarding the durability of the response, the one thing the paper from Israel didn't tell you is whether or not as high as the protection is with natural infection. What's the durability? I'll tell you what we have learned from Israel, asshole. The durability of the vaccine. Vaccine is worth shit. That durability. We do know the durability. They're going on a fucking. In Israel, you're not considered fully vax unless you've had the booster shot. Why would Fauci know about natural immunity? Like, oh, hey, where's my steno pad? Let me jot this down. What'd you say again? Nautical immunity. What was that thing, Sanjay? Natural immunity, huh? Two years in, I should look into this. Maybe there's some meat on this bone. What you call it again, Sanjay? Is it natural immunity? All right, when I get back to the office, I'm gonna bring this up. I hope I pronounce it correctly. Yes, it's called natural immunity. You've not looked into it, Fauci. You've not looked into it. This is a brand new thoughts you're having in real time on tv. Well, yeah, but. Oh yeah, but, but not, not so fast. I've not looked into it. You don't think he's looked into it? You don't think he knows about durability? People have been infected with this shit for 19 months. You don't think he knows about the durability versus the shot? We know the durability of the shot. That's why we have to get a third shot because it's not durable. So don't trot out that durability bullshit. The you're pushing is not durable. Look into it, bitch. We dug into a Mark Gerrigo's rant for that. But, you know, is that reasonable doubt? A reasonable doubt. Sorry, but it's all, you know, it's all under one roof. We did replay it on the Corolla show specifically so it could be added in. All right, we will. We're bumping out with the broadcasting Aces package. Here it is. Earlier this month, technical and creative arts ACE awards were given out via zoom in the following broadcasting categories. Best Morning Zoo Mac. Jack, I know the radio industry turns back on you. You've been let go from almost every radio job you've ever had. Hopefully this is a new home you found here. Yeah. Where we go on with this. Talking about my plummet history. Oh, no, I'm just saying. Just setting the table. We're welcoming you aboard. We appreciate what you bring to the show. It's unclear what it is, but we appreciate what you bring to the show. If you don't know what it is, talk to my friend formerly known as Captain Y from number one Y100, Mark Lipoff, who went off to be a consultant and he works at morning Sal boot camp at the Conclave of the Twin Cities every year. And he'll take you behind the velvet rope and let you know what I bring. I'm kind of surprised. See to everybody, whether it's at a zoom or right here in the zule that you don't get, nobody know what I bring to the ass track at Black Sack show in the morning time. Well, I know what you bring, but of course I'm asking for the listener. I've had a tough year, though. Yeah, tough year. Yeah. Well, I don't want to pile on by talking about your suspect sexuality or the estranged relationship you have with your stepdad from Muncie and the many, many, many consultants you've run into on your many, many travels through many, many radio stations all throughout the country. I didn't think it was possible, but it's 17 minutes after the hour. You decided to hit the accelerator as we zoom to destination grievance on that HR highway. Best intro and Chris Locks Amana is back for some trending topics. And now a man who thinks NFTs are WTF, thinks the CDC is BS, but thinks RPMs and PSI are A. Okay, Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but again, I mean to get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for telling the family. Love that about you. Right, Gina Grad. That's right. Handball, Brian. Heroes don't do that. Ah, nice job, lynch, with that opening. Real good. Longest outro. Mahala. All right. I'm not sucking anybody else's dick until somebody eats my. Follow the Adam Caroll show on Twitter at Adam Carol, you can follow the Ace man on Twitter at Adam Carolla. Just get tickets@adamcola.com drunkest outro. You can follow the Adam Corolla show On Twitter at Adam Carolla show. Follow us on Twitter at Adam Corolla. Check out Gina Grad on the podcast Easy Listening. Paul, Brian, the Film Ball. The rest of us on the water cooler. I've been drinking since noon. I'm doing pretty good. Get your tickets to see the Ace, man. We're gonna be in Berea next weekend. Oh, by the way, Brea sold out, so eat a dick. Get other tickets@adamcorola.com best dictated tweets. Adam, could I use your platform to send out some tweets? Yeah, yeah, you can. Look, I've been dying to tweet. I wrote a couple down here. Okay? Nancy Pelosi. How could something that old still get its period? Send. Send it out. Hold on. I don't have my phone. But, yeah, keep going. This could be a further violation of the terms of service, Mr. President. It's fine, Brian. Cool it. Okay, here's another one. Okay, here we go. Amc the only one from the squad I would bang. Hashtag3twos and a9z. Do it. That was good. Yeah, that's good. Hashtag's gonna catch on. That's good. Okay, I have more. All right, go ahead. Keep going. Aliens are real. Send. Wow. Chuck Schumer's asshole is right behind his ball sack. He has zero taint. Hashtag taint. No taint. Tate. No taint. Adam, send it. Send that. Okay. No Tate, no taint. Initially, when he said his asshole's right behind his ball sack, I thought I was like, no, duh. Yeah. Show a hand, fellas. Nothing there. But it was a very important. The patch. Right, Right. Yeah, I wasn't thinking about the taint. Yeah. Best video game voiceover. And so, yeah, the new. My new Rose is out on Street Fighter 5, so people seem. You're doing the VO for them? I always do for Rose. That's you? Yeah, I'm Rose. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm the guy. Rose. This is fighting too. Ron, if you're impressed. Purple slacks. What they call slack. Purple slacks. I have always wanted to be a voice in a video game, so I'm very much and truly impressed. Oh, well, good. Take this in the spirit which is intended, Ron, but I don't know if you can sound menacing. Oh, I can. Oh, you can? I can if I have to. All right, so let's see if we can work this out. Say, I shall take your spine and eat it like linguine. I'm gonna take your spine and eat it like linguine. Oh, you know what? I stand corrected. I Got a little chill on my neck. I stand corrected. Thank you. Thank you so much. For a second, I thought it was directed at me and I was like, back off. All right, let's see if we can try a few more of these wild lines, just to see menacing. Menacing. All right, Menacing. All right, I'm going to punch my hand through your rib cage and pull out your heart. I'm gonna punch my hand through your rib cage and then I'm gonna pull out your heart, if you don't mind. Yeah, that's good. I like you putting your own flavor at the end there. This is nightmare fuel. Okay, let's say, let's see. Okay, I'm going to vanquish you and then have sex with your fiance in front of your corpse. I'm gonna vanquish you and then have sex with your fiance in front of your corpse. Because that's what she wanted and I'm just trying to give her what she needs. Wow, it's a little menacing. I didn't think it was gonna work. Yeah, it does at first, Ron, but, man, I'm scared. I stay in. Let's just, let's just do like 27 more of this. Best non answer by a non August. Nick, you there? Hello? Yeah, I'm here. How's it going, guys? Hi, guy. Thanks. Thanks for taking my call. Adam, I just wanted to get your thoughts on the new Loveline going woke. I don't know if you followed up with them lately, but a lot of their content on social media is far less propaganda. Pro Black Lives Matter, pro victim culture and all that stuff. What is the new Loveline? It was a show you were on. The New Love Line. I, I, I cannot tell you. I've told you guys this a million times. I wasn't born eight minutes ago. I'm not clinically insane. And I make my life on a stage with a fucking microphone in my hand needing to know everything. I'm not asking what Loveline is regarding, Henry. One big cookie. It's in Loveline. That's the show you're on for over a decade. Oh, I'm starting to get it. Keep going. And Sportscaster of the Year. NBA Mennonite suing James Harden for beard infringement. Adam Silver announces if they go to a bubble again, the league will just build its own strip club. College hoops. More cancellations than the Irvine Improv. That item sponsored by Alan Monet. Pay your alimony with impressionist art. And finally, this Week in Sports History, the year 1887. The Place, San Francisco, California. Thomas Stevens becomes the first man to bicycle around the world. Said Stevens, I was on boats for most of it. This Waterhouse update brought to you by count your dressings, the salad dressing superstore. You'll fall asleep counting your dressings. If you want more of me this weekend, for real, I'm doing that simulcast of the Brown Steelers playoff game Sunday night on the stereo app. Just download that app and watch the game on NBC. But listen to me and my analyst, Randy Jo Stuttmeyer. Sponsored of course, by ocdc, the most meticulous AC DC cover band ever. This is Chet Waterhouse reminding you, first of all, even in a pandemic, slow for the cone zone. And of course, play with pain. And now Alcoa presents the last word in 2021 for definitely not a Jew. A George Foreman grill. A kangaroo. A box of wine. An iguana. An entire bottle of ketchup. A boat anchor. A lava lamb. A car wash. Pistachios, bolt cutters, a pair of slippers, furs, bear repellent. A seagull 29 weeks pregnant. A cat toy. Six shark jaws. Dairy Queen. A chicken coop. A can of Spaghettios. The Starlight drive in. Movie theater. Christian music, Skyler. An accordion, Dead alligators, Adolf Hitler. Thank you, Alcoa, for another great year of sponsorship. We look forward to your support next year for more. Definitely Definitely not. Not. Achoo. Oh, Dawson, a triumph. Yeah, you know, I always, whenever I listen to them, I always have the same thought, but I don't often voice it, which is how Dawson just commits himself and throws himself in. It is impressive. You know, after, you know, your 7,000th, definitely not a Jew, you think maybe bring it down to an eight, just kind of, you know, hammer that check. Not this guy. Save the voice for the live. For the live gig. Not Dawson. He's going up. Also, I was thinking about, I don't know why, but Jeff Cesario, the salad Dressing superstores laugh. That's what I love about comedy. It's like people have been doing it for 1000 years, but no one has ever put together Salad Dressing Superstore before. And. All right, so we got Rant of the year number five coming your way. Our fifth nominee for rant of the year, leaf blower laws. The LA Times reports that California will outlaw the sale of new gas powered lawnmowers, leaf blowers and chainsaws. There is a law. These are outlawed. We do not enforce the law because we always decide what the optics are of enforcement of a law. So it's like you don't pay your fucking taxes, rich guy. We'll definitely enforce that shit. And if you want to drive in the diamond lane, we'll force the out of that. And you want to park your Lexus a foot into the red won't force the fuck out of that. But homelessness, we have no thoughts. You just fucking camp your shit anywhere and take a dump on any sidewalk you want. Will not enforce it. There's laws about it. We don't fucking enforce it. There's laws about leaf blowers. They don't like the optics of it. It's the brown people, it's the poor brown people. The only people really working, making a living with a leaf blower in Los Angeles are poor and Hispanic. And they don't enforce that shit any more than they don't enforce the shit where the guy's driving around the bootleg ice cream truck or they're selling flowers across from Forest Lawn. Oh they're fucking handing out tickets to soccer moms that are going 7 miles an hour faster than the speed limit. But they're not doing anything to any of the people down at the Staples center selling the street meat or the flowers or all this huge underground except economy. It's all done by poor Hispanics. They, that's their voting bloc. They don't like the optics of it, so they don't fucking enforce it. That's how, that's how it works. So again we live in a society where it's like is this what's worse going seven miles an hour faster than the fucking speed limiters taking a on the sidewalk and sleeping in a park and terrorizing kids. We don't enforce things. It's all fucking political. They figure it out. So that, that's how it is now. Climate change is now trumped Hispanics. So now that's a better optic for them like well now it's this. But then what do we do with the poor Hispanics? By the way, the you chainsaws. How about you use some of the chainsaws to manage to goddamn forest because we're gonna outlaw gas powered generators or chainsaws or whatever twice a year as a forest fire that puts more soot and carbon in the air than 10,000 chainsaws all running 247 for a thousand years. You fucking inspired. Finally. All right, Interview of the Year. I'm always excited to hear about this one. So we'll play that next category. The nominees for Interview of the Year are. Eric Kramer. Prior to going to this, this Depression Center, I want to Say that might have been in say, June ish of 2015. So prior to that I had purchased a gun and it was at a Simi Valley gun store. And I remember walking in there going, having this internal feeling like, how is everybody not reading? What's like, I'm buying this gun for a reason. How's anyone not going to see that? But I bought it, but you just can't take it that day. And so I think there's a waiting period, right? A cooling off period. So then I, I go away to this depression center and I, while I'm gone, I remember thinking a time or two, well, this gun's gonna be gone by the time I get back. They weren't gonna have sold it, whatever. Well, they didn't. And this friend of mine had told me that. I told him, he's the one who picked me up from the airport and stayed with me and, and apparently I told him what I did, where I got it. And so he took my driver's license over there and he said, hey, he showed him driver's license. If this guy ever comes in here looking for that gun, this is what he's gonna do with it. And yet, however many weeks after I got back, I went to that same gun store and picked it up. And I think at some point after coming back home, I began planning my exit and it was a financial one. So I was kind of putting everything in place for everybody, including Dylan, my son. And. And then there came that day where there was nothing left to do. And I remember driving over to the Goodnight Inn and even having dinner at a certain time and went down the road to a restaurant I'd been to before. Do you remember what you ordered? Like that's your last meal, right? It was a friend of mine, I went to high school. I said, you mean you went and you had your own last supper? Yeah, and yeah, I did. And I think that was, I don't remember being hungry. I don't just. Did you have to get drunk or high or anything or just sober. Sober, yep. But obviously I, I must have not been quite as much of a cold blooded killer of my, myself that I think I was. You know, like I was obviously texting people, friends of mine, saying where I was and what I was going to do. And so yeah, I, I ate dinner. I don't remember much of what happened after that. But eventually I came back to that room and apparently it was a combination of calling people to texting people, having a gun in my hand, and eventually there was nothing left to do with that Will. I am. Remember, Prince came up to me one day and he's like, we did a show in Minnesota. He came backstage and he was like, congratulations, you have yours. I'm like, I have. We have mine. He was like, some of us get lucky to channel that one in. And some of us have multiple ones. But it's very rare to get your one, your hit. It's a different type of hit. Yeah, yeah. It's like everyone knows it. It's always kind of that. Everyone knew I Got a Feel. I mean, everyone knew where's the Love And Let's Get Started. It's a different level of hit, though. Like, 1999 is different than Little Red Corvette. Right. Thriller is different. I know. I'm not being blasphemous. I'm not saying that I Got a Feeling is equivalent to Thriller. I'm just saying that every artist at. If they try hard enough will get their celebrate. Good time. Come on. There's these elements that are like, damn, Katy Perry got her. She has a whole bunch of hits. But that Roar record is pretty special. Christina Aguilera, like, that beautiful record. That's pretty special. And then there's groups that have, like, good songs, like, freaking Journey. Don't Stop Believing the fuck out of here, bro. Do you know how hard it is to fucking write songs like that? Like, that's a fucking. And at some times, like, just like, you never dream about playing the Grammys or playing the Super Bowl. It's like you hear these staples and you're like, what were they thinking of when they wrote that? I don't know if they knew it at the time. Whenever you interview these guys, they always say they wrote it on a cocktail napkin while they were drunk on an airplane or something. For me, I Got a Feeling was like a 30 second song. It was New Year's 2008 turned 2009, and they were rushing me to leave. Like, come on, we're gonna miss the party. We were gonna go see DJ Am. Rest in Peace. DJ at the Western. No, sorry, the Wiltern. On. On Western Wilshire. Yeah, that's why it's called the Wiltern. And I was driving. They were like, rushman, hurry up. Where? We're gonna miss it. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me just get this one out. And I played the beat and I'm like. And then, then I started mouthing the mumble. I translated the. The mumble on the spot. And I still have the recording of the mumble to the mouthing to the Right. That whole thing. And then I remember, like, coming back the next day. Like, do I know this song? Does this song exist? Or do I. Is this preja vu? Is it. Am I gonna know this song? Like, deja vu was like, deja vu. Hey, this happened before. But preja vu is like, this is gonna happen. And. And, yeah, that. And when Prince was like, you got yours, you got yours. Remember what you were. Remember where you were. The moment that song entered so you could call it again. And. Mike Posner. I'm walking and it's freaking hot out, man. August 8, 2019. And I'm in pain. Like, when I wake up in the morning, I could barely stand up. That's just real. And. And I gotta. I gotta wrap my head around the fact, like, how am I. How am I going to walk 24 miles? Like, I can. I'm trying to brush my teeth, and, like, it hurts so bad just to stand, but, you know, you start to move a little bit by warms a little bit, and you start going. And I'm walking, and I notice I'm actually falling asleep as I walk. And this road, Colorado tent, doesn't have a big shoulder, so I think this is pretty dangerous. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna stop and I'm gonna. I just went to the. Like, the ditch next to the road, and I went to sleep. And when I woke up, the sun was up, and when I went to sleep, was still dark. We're gonna start walking. Truck pulls up. He said, you know where you are, kid? I say, yeah. I goes, be careful for snakes here. Say, copy that. Yeah, I heard some snakes before already on this, on. On my journey. And I. I walked 16. It's just, like, super tired. I got eight more to do. I'm gonna try to get 24. I go in the RV, RV is parked on the side of the road. I got, like, some food and stuff. I come out of the rv, it's time to get my last eight. There's two fans there that were walking with me that day. I just feel something bite my ankle. The pain shoots, like, through my leg. I'm thinking, what the was that, man? Right outside the rv, Right outside the RV in Colorado. Colorado. And right after that, I heard a sound, and I thought. And I just realized, you know, poisonous rattlesnake just sunk its fangs into my. My ankle, you know? And I. I don't know if you remember the end of Looney Tunes when those colorful circles kind of converge on the center of the screen and says, that's all folks. Or that's what started happening once that venom started, washed through me, the pain of the bite, it's like, whatever. I was already in pain. Once that venom started going through me. It was like. Just like the end of Looney Tunes. Except instead of colorful, colorful circles, it's like black darkness coming in from the edge of my awareness. Right. Moments after. You were five minutes. Five minutes. Where were you in the RV at this point? I was just sitting out right in front of it. I think maybe it was under the shade of the RV and I never saw the thing. There's only two ways to get bit by a rattlesnake. One is if you're with it. Second way is if you surprise it. Right. And that's why I think maybe I stepped on. I never saw it, and I don't think it saw me. And so that was the problem. And so, yeah, I just felt myself fading away and called 91 1. The guys, the fans that were there that day, Jack, they called 91 1. They let me talk to the. The person on the line, and I said, you know, what's going on? They said, look, you're in the middle of La Junta and Walsenburg. They're 70 miles apart. We sent ambulances from both towns, and we sent a helicopter. Whatever gets there first, get in. And I said, am I going to die? And the voice on the other line said, I don't know, sir. And so, you know, I wait an hour. I'm in the back of the ambulance, and I was thinking, like, this could be the. This could be the end of my life. And if it is, I'm not. I'm not going to waste the last few hours of my life worrying. I'm just going to enjoy the last few hours. I started looking around, and I noticed, like, the paint on the back of the ambulance door and just noticed how, like, beautiful and passionate and, like, bright the paint was. And it was actually. Actually a really peaceful moment. And that, I guess, proximity to mortality made life more vibrant. And I experienced a moment of peace. And part of my life after that is figuring out how to access that peace without almost dying contenders. Yeah, I mean, I played Pop Warner football with Eric Kramer when I was seven. He was the coach. Crazy. Yeah. You know, so I always say about Kramer, you know, at some point, I was 26 and a loser, and I was watching him as a starting quarterback in the NFL. I was like, why? You both started on the same team, now you're fucking loser. And he's starting on the Bears. And then later on, he tries to put a bullet through his own head. Actually, he does. Yeah, he does. All right, the winner is Eric Kramer. That's a great interview. Yeah, it's funny. Someone tell Eric. When you interview Eric Kramer, you know, he put a pistol under his chin and fired a bullet through his mouth, through his tongue, through his brain, out the top of his head. But if you. When you speak to him, they'll speak for a little while. You know, sometimes people have idiosyncrasies when they speak, you know, and he'll go. Like, he'll talk. And then at some point he'll go. And then he'll talk for a little while and then he'll go. And there's a party that wants to go, hey, knock it off. And there's a party where you put a bullet through your tongue and through your jaw. Brain glands don't work. That's almost nothing for what you've been through. All right, number three, Song of the Year. Our third nominee for Song of the Year, Paul Bryan and Rich Banks. For Adam's Family. They're boring and they're lazy they're sure to drive you crazy. They don't care about racing. It's Adam's family. There's a Y and Lauren, a homeless cat named Norman. His daddy plays the horn. It's Adam's family. Oh, great. How would I know that? Oh, yeah. They never went to eat out. His sister tried to sneak out. His mom is yelling freak out. It's Adam's family. Catchy. Nice song. All right, now we go on to Best Live Musical Moment. The nominees for Best Live Musical Moment are. DJ Khed and Jim Carolla. Get a close up. Get a close up. Get a close up of the case, the guitar, you know what I'm saying? And a special note from the Marley family. What are the speakers doing? Just an open fret and some strumming. Hey, Chris. Not a bad tune. Speaking of tuning. Come on. My dad's sitting in with the horn. Mash that up. I gotta hear him playing with my dad, who's mastered their instrument. Better roll out or Buffalo Soldier. I kind of like it now. Oh, keep it going on, man. Kevin Nean and the Impalas. You have Kevin's. Oh. Kevin Nealon's. Oh. If you listen to the beginning of Impalas, I Ran all the way home. I'm pretty sure. Sorry. Oh, so sorry. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh. Kevin feeling it back up. Vocals, Gina and Adam for the Brady Bunch duet. You remember all the songs that the Silver Platters sang, though. Remember when they were. We gotta keep on, keep on, keep on keep on dancing all through the night we're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doing it right we're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on dancing we're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on grooving Keep on, keep on dancing all through the night yeah, that was a good one. And, of course, when it's time to change, it's got to rearrange who you are and what you gonna be. Gina as Minnesota mom sings Marilyn Monroe Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, Mr. President Happy birthday to you wow. Yeah. Sultry. Your husband's a lucky man. Oh, thank you. So. And Adam and Chris for the Get it on recording session. I wonder if there were some lyrics that, like, didn't make the cut, like, where the Chase guy was like, I got this song called get it on, and his bandmates were like, oh, yeah, that sounds good. It's like, get it on in the morning now And I was, like, nodding their head like, yeah, yeah. Get on in the evening now it's like, get it on on Even if you don't want to and give consent. And everyone's like, huh? Oh, get it on with your kid sister now get it on while the dog watches now get it on with your stepdad in the room now huh? What's that? The first two lines are great. I. I don't know about get it on with your stepdad watching now. Oh, it's getting on in the morning. Okay, so in the morning was really good. So I got shines bright. That one. That one was nice. I thought. I get on. Yeah. So I got. Get on in the morning now I got get it on in the evening now I just want to check my lyric sheet. I got get it on while your stepdad watches and masturbates now. No, I got. What? No, no, I think. Oh, not. You don't want the morning. I mean, that. That's all day. No, we do morning. Oh. Not the evening. So we go right from morning to stepdad. No, no, we should do morning and evening. Let's. Let's lose the stepdad line. I think more people will relate to the morning moving, and it covers our base. Okay, I get it. Maybe we just make this one of our shorter songs. Oh, all right, I got one. Get on in the morning now Bunking on in the evening now get it on get it on while that weird clown puppet is watching us on your chair now oh, no, no. Just. You don't want the evening. The e. Morning. No, I love evening. I love morning and evening. Okay. I don't. Where's this clown puppet thing coming from? All right, all right. You know what? I'm going to go another direction. Get on in the morning now get on in the evening now. Get it on while you're in ram and can't render consent now. You know. Get on when you're in a hospital bed now get on after a roof, you do now. I think we should stick to rhymes and. And, yeah, just. It's a mouthful, I think. I think we had it with more morning and evening. Maybe we could even repeat that throughout the song. Let's just. Let's just repeat the lines. Rhymes with hospice. No. What? Don't rhyme anything with hospice. Oh, I'll rhyme it with care. Hospice care. Right. Hospice's stuff. Care there. We'll get it on there. Get it on there over there during the hospice care. You're a genius, man. Strong. Wow. Live music moment, everybody. That is kind of interesting. I don't know why. That Impala song. I ran all the way home. I've just always been in the. I don't own the record. I don't own a recording of it. It's not my phone, but I always had that. Oh, and then at some point when Neyland did this. Oh, my brain has always connected them. It's always fused those two things. But it sat around for, like, seven years, and then at some point, it just kind of came out perfect. All right, Best live musical moment. Adam and Chris get it on recordings by the band. Chase, everyone. And now we go on to our sixth offering of Rant of the Year. Our sixth nominee for Rant of the Year, Covid. And kids sports. Outdoor transmission has never been a thing. Why don't we just give up the ghost? What I'm saying is there's two things we positively know about this virus. Outdoors is the best place you can be. They just had an article in the LA Times today. The fucking LA Times, where they're like, well, we may be coasting down the backside of this. You know, with spring coming up and people going outdoors, it's gonna even lessen it. It's like. It's gonna lessen it. You guys were fucking championing the beaches being shut down six months ago, you fucking hypocrites. But by the way, they always knew it was safe outdoors. It wasn't about not being outdoors. It was about keeping you indoors. That's what it was about. They always knew there's no epidemiologist who thinks outdoors is dangerous for fucking anything. They knew it the whole time. This was them just flexing their muscle to keep you locked down, to keep you where they wanted you, where they could keep tabs on you. So now even the LA Times is saying, well, people are going outdoors. We're going to have even less of this. But there's two things we know. Outdoors was never an issue, and kids were never an issue. So we got rid of you. Sports, kids and outdoors. Those are the two fucking things we knew early and often. And you don't think it hurts kids to not be involved with these sports and not be outside and not be competing? It's devastating. Who gives a shit about the kids? That's what I'm saying. Like, hey, we got to be safe. We got to be safe. Yes, you have to be safe, but it doesn't affect the kids. And outdoors is safe. So with that in mind, could somebody go, hey, this is what I want to do. I, I suggest. Could someone from the city council go, hey, I got a plan. Why don't we open up the outdoors and use sports again or nothing, or just lock it down or we're going to bust Tinhorn Flats because they. They stayed open on their patio. That's. That's where you want your fucking resources to go. Jesus Christ. I know, I sound like a madman. I don't know what's wrong with everybody. Wake the fuck up. These people don't have your best interests in mind. I don't know what they have in mind. It scares me to think about what they have in mind, but they're certainly not following the science. So stop listening and go outdoors. Just fucking go out and take over the park, just everyone at once. Just get all your fucking kids out there and start playing and let them bust you. Yeah, I remember being in Arizona and there's all these soccer teams playing in Arizona because I had to come from California to go to Arizona. What the fuck is the difference between California and Arizona and soccer? And by the way, when you look now, you look back at any outdoor anything. All the gloom and doom on the beach and the kids and the outdoors and the transmission and the what? Okay, just keep that in mind for the next time they make an announcement, would you please, everybody? We're gonna bulldoze the beach volleyball courts, we're gonna arrest the guy. Take the posts out of the sand. Guy's in the middle of the canal, the middle of the channel. He's just wakeboarding or he's alone. On his paddleboarding. Paddleboarding. We're gonna arrest him when he comes to shore. Come on, everybody. Wake on up now. Here we go. All right. Most Uncomfortable Moment. Oh, boy. The nominees for Most Uncomfortable Moment are. Dawson's Love Life. Dawson, what's your status? Single. Let's explore that a little bit. You're alone. You're a successful man. Got two dogs. Home, homeowner. But, Dawson, you have. You know, that's the funniest thing. Russell, there are a few more synonyms we can get into. I know you, but I feel like I could craft a version of your life that would be quite enticing. Oh, my rockstar. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot there. There's a lot to like for ladies. You're not fat. No. You're not ugly. Thank you. You're not poor. I'm gonna focus on things. You're not. I'm not. I'm really gonna focus on the positive. Not gay. So what's up? Why. Why no lady friend? I don't know. Maybe my standards are too high. I think probably. I think I probably up. I think I probably let a few go in the past that maybe I should have held on to. What? Well, now, can you readjust? You know what I mean? Can you recalibrate? Yeah, it's all been all about a recalibration. But the thing, you know. You know, when you get to 47 years old and you're. You. You're not gonna be anybody else. No, no, I'm not talking about you changing. I'm talking about you sort of changing your expectations of, like, dating Lisa. Lisa Globe, for instance, versus, you know, chick that works over at the Walgreens, you know? Yeah. Look, I mean, I'm. I'm. I don't know, man. If you cry, I'm gonna kill myself. No, no, no, no, no. I'm great. August and Lynch's house, Mike. Sorry. Defend yourself against you saying that lynch should destroy his home? That he spent so much sweat equity and love on his home. That shack that was built in the country in 1916. It should have been leveled in the 40s. Jesus Christ. He's talking about putting an extension on it. Are you nuts? So the design defense doesn't. I didn't say that. It said I stand by it. What's wrong with you? My defense says I was too polite to start with. You really should have leveled it. Yeah. He just got 70 grand over asking for that house, Mike. Well, in the street, 70 over asking. That house was built a century ago when nothing Was out there through the years. In the 50s and 60s, they built some nice suburban homes, so he had to buy a piece of real estate. Oh, you needed. You didn't even tell. He didn't even talk about what I really told him to do, which he hated himself. Put a mobile home in the back and live in that. Yeah, he wanted to go full Rockford files and tear down the house. A master bedroom, a master bath, a dining living room. You could have an office for yourself. Your kid could have a playroom. Your life would get 3,000% better. It cost you 50 grand. Well, you know, the joke's on you, Mike, because he sold it. He got over asking, and he's moving into a bigger house. But wait a second. August could. August, you could be the one laughing last, because maybe they're buying it for the dirt now. Oh, yeah. Okay. We haven't seen this place. It'll be gone tomorrow. Well, now just back over with your car to fall right over. And Gina found a sign. Yeah, we're gonna do trending topics here. But first one, something we've been sitting on for a little while that Gina found. Lately, the. The gold mine has been the. For crying out loud. Facebook page. Lynette's Facebook page. And somebody posted this from their neighborhood. Hold on. Sorry, Max. Pata, when you stated it, Gina found a sign. I think you should probably do the part where she didn't find the sign, but she found the sign online. I did say that, but I could see how you might. You did say that. Yes. You said they went to the Facebook page. Yeah, well, I said she found a sign online. I did. I promise you. Gina found a sign. Gina found a sign. Yeah. Okay, but this is. For crying out loud. Facebook page. Yeah, it's a real sign. She's. No, I'm just saying I think Gina found a sign because Gina has a young one, and Gina goes to the park and that you're. We got into the sign. I can say. I can see how you're. Yes, just say it's off the. It was posted onto the. For crying out loud. Facebook page, and Gina found it. Okay, I. Okay, well, because I think she had this experience. I understand that's what you think, but I promise you, I did not. I did not convey it in such a way. It's either. I just. I don't even think you know what Facebook pages are, so I don't. I know what for crying out loud is. Right. Right. Well, that's our thing, right? Yeah. All right. Just say it's for Our thing, then. Okay. Because my choice is either Gina went to the park and saw this sign, which is what I think happened, or Gina was just cruising the Internet looking for signs. I didn't know it was off of the. You could give a plug to. For crying out loud. Well, I don't think there's a better plug than this one. All right. Most uncomfortable moment with an asterisk because it did not involve bald Brian this year. Most uncomfortable moment. Adam and Dawson. Oh, yeah. Dawson got real vulnerable. The real winners is whoever didn't get nominated. That's right. All I want to do is dodge that bullet every year. All right, Song of the Year, our number four offering is next. Our fourth nominee for Song of the Year, Mike lynch and Rich Banks for my Sharia Law. Law. The Taliban are out in full force. They took over the presidential palace, occupied Kabul's version of the Oval Office. Afghanistan's president fled the country. Now the Taliban are back as the US Leaves Afghanistan, gripped by panic and run by extremists. My Sherry Love written in my Muhammad's Day. My Sherry Law. Women basically are slaves. My Sherry says women cannot go outside their door without a burker that goes to the floor or get whipped by Tyler man. There's no cafes or even walking on the street without a mail escort. The penalty is you are be my Sharia Law. Ancient Muslim rules you can't ignore. They're back because the Afghan war we lost to Taliban. Allahu Akbar. Allah. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. I'm sorry, Weird Al, but listen, can I say that? Like, I started with Weird Alec. Nana, my bologna. He's venerated. He can do shit I did when I was nine. Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry. You know the thing, like, you watch sports and you watch Aaron Rodgers. You don't sit around and go, fuck. Michael lynch could do that. We'll just get fucking Mike lynch to fucking. We'll give him the rock and he'll just start over the frozen tundra. He can fucking fling that rock better. It's a weird thing. Mike lynch and Rich Banks are much better than Weird Al. He's. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I ate Tola. That was another doctor. Wait. Dr. Demento. Dr. Demento hit from, like, back in seven. It's like, most of that stuff was junk. It was just fucking junk. And it's still junk. And the new stuff is junk. And all the offerings from lynch and Rich Banks. Higher levels, so way better. Than yo yo, yo yo Yoda. Right. And lynch is a professional psychologist and Banks is a professional golfer or something. So he doesn't. They're doing. Get him some shoes. But like Weird Al. They're a lot better than you part time. That's not even their fucking job. It's like they get dispatched and stuff. Like. Do it this weekend. Yeah. Agreed. 100%. Is there any factions who might be listening? I did not find that last song funny and just disapprove of it. Same. Yeah. It's just. It's a lot better crafted than any weird owl. Eat it. Eat it. Eat it. Right. Another one rides the bus who's fast. That's what fucking nine year olds do. That's a nine year. When I was writing odes to my friend's big dick in high school. They're much better crafted when I was 16 and a half than that. Way more romantic. Okay. From the heart. All right. It's true. All right. Now we go to Best Radio Ramp Up. The nominees for Best Radio Ramp up are the Pretenders. Back on the Chain gang. Back inside the Toolbox. For the first time this year I know I'm not alone when I say I almost forgot to come to work today. Hope you had good and plenty of 2020. Let's hope 21 ain't a son of a gun. But I got stacks of tracks I found in the back. And throwing this one out to all my fellow pretenders. We got this, folks. We can fake it till we make it and even wake and bake it. We're back to the grind with Chrissy Hind. Happy New Year on the Toolbox. Boston, something about you. We're inside the toolbox. Time to turn it up and burn it down. Bars and light Los Angeles are open again. But wear your mask on the way to the bathroom because science. Let's raise a glass to kicking ass and taking names and playing games. You're either the player or the played. Writing checks are getting paid. We're inside a 40 minute free ride. So step aside because the dude abides. The recluse line is open so give me a ring if I can play something. Or just kick back and leave it to the professionals. Dusty Rhodes is out this this week. So we got Diamond Lane checking in with traffic in the bottom of the hour. We'll get you from A to B with a lot to see. So yank it, crank it and pour me another because I already drank it. Harmony guitars and dropping our R's let's head to Boston on the Toolbox When I was younger I thought I could stand on my and the band Stage Fright. Back inside the toolbox From Long beach to Ledera Heights between the stop signs and the traffic lights down the block and around the clock playing all the hits that you forgot. Coming up, I got lunch for two at Olive Garden. As long as you can find a friend who'll eat there with you. Olive Garden when you're here. Well, you're already here. You might as well eat. Hope you enjoyed your Valentine's Day. Roses are red and violets are blue but we all know that ain't true violence Violet's her Violet. We're in the middle of the Jam Band Grand Slam with a band known simply as the Band. Rick Danko up front singing about stage fright. That's what sometimes happens when you pee next to a friend, get up and get off, you're inside the toolbox Deep in the heart of a lonely kid. Oh, Dawson. All amazing offerings. I don't think anything will beat his ramp up with ambrosia. Saying it's not a jello salad, it's a mellow ballad. Still my favorite of all time. I love the Pretender's Chain Gang. I love Something about yout by Boston too. I love those two songs. All right, we'll take a quick break. Oh, sorry. Oh, I didn't know we had. I thought it was a. Just a montage. I thought it was an interstitial. Sorry. Well, I wonder who's gonna go home with the Loose eye trophy on this one. Best Radio Ramp Up Boston. Something about you. I love that song. I think it must have been harmony guitars and dropping our Rs that brought that one over the edge. So good. I am thrilled that people love the Toolbox. I love to do it and thank you for allowing me. Well, we. One more reason to marvel at your talent. All right, we will take ourselves a quick break. We'll come back with some Daytime Ace Awards right after this at a private ceremony. Earlier this year, Daytime Ace Awards were given out in the following categories. Best True Crime Show. As much as I made fun of those mothers, I always loved the mothers whose 15 year old gang banger was accused of shooting the girl in the park. And they were up there screaming and fighting with the cops and saying my baby would never, never do that. My mom would not put up such an argument. No. Very convinced. Do you think Adam's capable of killing another human being? Well, I can't say that. I know every thought runs through his head. How would I know that? Do you think that he has murder in his soul? How should I know? Well, I remember yours, Mo. We're trying to figure out whether he's capable of taking another life. How would I know that? You ostensibly raised him, I guess you know, clinically, I suppose. How should I know? So could he murder or not? Because how should I know? Well, we're gonna take him to Sing Sing. If you don't put up some sort of viable argument, how can you possibly, possibly expect me to answer that? Best commercial director. I was just watching TV the CNN this morning, and I saw the femiclear commercial with the talking vagina. You directed that? Yes. The challenge for me as a filmmaker was how do we make sure the audience knows that it's the vagina that's singing? Well, first off, you're no longer a filmmaker. You make douche commercials for kids. That's your new title. And you're gonna get pigeonholed and no longer be a celebrated documentarian, but the Douche Whisperer. They're gonna be like, we gotta get Jordan Brady for our ass cream. We gotta get Jordan. Oh, you gotta hurt herpes. Get Jordan in here. He's gonna fix it. He's the best hemorrhoids. Nobody knows the nether regions like Jordan. We need a uti. Sure, yeah, I got, yeah, you gotta. You got a urethra tract infection. You get Jordan. And he knows. Yeah. When you think jock it, think George. Love it. We got a huge ball powder campaign coming your way. That's gonna be. That's your bread and butter. That's your niche. Nobody got nothing on our cream. You know how Scorsese does gangster movies, right? This is gonna be you. Except for ice cream, monkey butt. No problem. Best heckler handling. Now, what you can see right here. Yeah. Is the dog was on the bed too close to my cock. Yeah, yeah. Yes. No, I don't, I don't need him humbly winning. I, I, I would tell you this if you want to. Shut the up, lady. Shut the up. No, don't point it at him. Just shut up. We're all here to have a good time. Nobody is annoying in here but you right now. Shut up. You will get kicked out. All right, listen, listen, listen, lady. I will call my stepdad George to fly down here and you in the mouth if you don't shut the up. Stop it. Stop it. Let the man talk. Get paid to see Adam Carolla. Right? But I'm paid to see Adam Corolla tonight. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Sorest game show loser. I'm gonna protect My lead and just go right at the Mason Dixon line. 60. I've played this game long enough to know that when Adam Crow throws out a number off the top of his head, you go with that number 33. Well, I may have gone high, but who cares, Darren? We're already out 68. The Mighty Ducks is. Is rotten. Oh, yes. At 21%. No, you. I blame you. I blame you. Partisan Minnesota crowd. You influenced me. Oh, oh. With your love of this film. Oh, so precious the way your face is lit up. God damn, what a game. You want to hear some scores? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Bald Bryan got a big boost at the end there, but was it enough? We'll find out. First. Gina Grad. Congratulations. You made the podium. Thank you, Gina grad. 116 for third place ball. Brian coming in with a score of 56. Was it enough to beat the ace man who was right down the barrel all the way through until the end? Adam Corolla. Your score deserves a Congratulations. For second place, 67. The win goes to Bald Brian. Damn it. Best cameo appearance. Oh, is that Natasha Hanr? Birthday to you. Whenever they paid. Worth it. Happy birthday to you. Oh my. Happy birthday, dear Adam. Sexiest man alive. I Love her. Happy 57th birthday. Happy birthday to you. Adam Driver. That's my Marilyn Monroe impression. That's my version of Marilyn Monroe singing a JFK who is only half smart was only half as smart, half as sexy and definitely not as funny as you are. So your mijo Robert wanted to send you this video as a thank you for making. Making all the people laugh during this quarantine. And I separately want to send you a happy birthday just because I think you're fabulous and you know I always had the biggest crush on you. I told you. And she was paid to say that. Yeah. You're pretty awesome. I hope you're having a great day. I hope you're having a good year. And I think I missed you recently. I think we were supposed to do something together recently. What? Yeah. To have to make it happen sometime. Happy birthday, Adam. Happy, happy birthday. And also. You're welcome, Bald Brian. Not sure if I'm missing something there with that. I'm missing something there. He's missing some chiz. Yeah. Seriously made me a man. Hope you're really well and have a great year ahead. Thank you. Oh my God. And she would be. Silky little row. I know. Come. I was gonna say hither, but I'm. I'm done. Worst compliment. I've been trying to get both the freeway weed people and the electronic freeway sign people to come on. I think it's cuz they're hearing what you're saying. So I just need a clip of you com, like complimenting them. Yes, I can forward that to them. All right, let's see. You want to invite them in to shake their hand, See if I can summon something up. Hey, man, you know who's doing a bang up job in the highways and byways of SoCal? Who's that? Ace, man? The folks that are in charge of the. Oh, God. Are you okay? It was an aborted take. We'll take two without himself. Get a clean take in a second. Still going. Oh, sloppy joes were bad. Oh, you're close on that one, man. What was I saying? Those guys are. I don't use the term cracker Jack that often, but when it comes to the good, ladies and men, they're all God. Chris, don't set him this clip. Yeah, we'll have to edit that in post. And Pete Holmes for worst impression. First up, Hugh Grant. He announced in November that he'd contracted COVID 19. I'm. I, I, I, I, I, I do, I do. I believe I have COVID 19. I tried. Hey, McConaughey, I heard you maybe running for like governor Texas or something. I just, I just, I just want to, want to see this country coming back together, you know, I just want to see people unite and have a good time. Live in a trailer down on the beach. Take your dick out. Just show it to the moon. Show the moon. Show the moon your dick. But one earball's just one of them. Dave Chappelle's team released a statement that the comedian would be canceling shows in Austin after testing positive for COVID 19, adding that he was receiving daily testing and was asymptomatic. Asymptomatic. Asymptomatic. I'm asymptomatic. I got the COVID I don't give a. That's also my Aziz and my Ross Perad. I was gonna say, how is that. How is that the best one so far? I never claim to be good, but I'm here to have fun. Gotta love Pete Holmes. Such a nice guy. Nothing better than a nice guy. Dementia. Absolutely. I ran into him doing a standup a couple of weeks ago. He's just that guy who hugs you. He's like friendly. He's in a good mood. I don't think people understand. People are sort of dogs, you know, little yappy dogs, Labradors, you know, they're just people sort of Go like, why is that guy nicer? Why is that guy so standoffish? It's just him. Yeah, it's his breed. Pete Holmes is friendly. That's who he is. That's who he is. All right, Song of the year number five, Our fifth nominee for song of the Year, Mike DAWSON for the Dr. Drew and Jim Carolla Ram Jam mashup. Well, you are aware that Dr. Drew is a renowned vocalist. Well, he grabbed Jim Carolla and said, man, get your trumpet. We're going in the studio and we're gonna reach recut this bad boy from Ram Jam. Family. Family. Oh, Dawson the best man. Wow. Forgot about that. And I think we have the. Oh, we have a winner. Oh, that's right. Of our song of the year winner. Sorry, hold on. All right. And the winner Song of the year is. My Sharia Law. I don't support that. I can't go behind that. 100% behind it. I think I inspired that one. You did. You asked for it. I asked for it, but boy, did they deliver. Oh, yeah. All right, we have our drops segment now sponsored by Bald Bryant. That's right. The nominee is for best drop by a Corolla R. Thank you for being the shit. There's nothing people like more than and ribs. I watch the Love Boat. That's just a waste of my time. I need more people that have my skin tone to hang out with so I feel comfortable. And the ACE Award goes, too. Thank you for being the shit. Yeah. When did you start doing drops, Brian? Ever or this year? Ever. 2000. It was probably right around Cinco de Mayo. 2006, when lynch was in Ireland. And I did the drops that morning with the Ranchero Band. Do you remember your first drop? I remember the first. Not the first one I captured in real time. I remember. Hold on, hold on. Oh, sweet irony. One of the first ones pulled from Princess Pride. That's a deep poll. That's from a Kevin Smith movie called Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. That's Will Ferrell as an animal wrangler. Animal. A cop getting shot in the ass by a monkey. Oh, sweet irony. All right, we move on to best guest. We have more drops. Oh, we have more drops. Oh, sorry. The nominees for best drop by Gina. Oh, okay. Well, I'm an LA4, but I'm a Kansas9. Yeah. Gary is a gay man who has not obviously declared his sexuality useful. I. I'd be happy to weigh in. I've seen a cock. Or that's why darkies were born. Totally in context. All right. So now we have. Now we have. This award goes too. No big surprise here. Shit. Yeah. Thank you. Now, do we have a guest here or a staff here? Here we go. All right. The nominees for best Drop by Dawson are. Is this a joke? Black men. I love you, Turbo Negro. We're gonna go find some drugs and find some chicks and party. Do not order tacos at 3pm and the ACE Award goes to. Well, this. This can't be right. Ladies and gentlemen, for. For the first time in ACE Award history, a late writing campaign has put a new drop on the board. Bukkake. I mean, a sword. History has been made. The nominees for best Drop by an Adam Carolla show staffer are. Great. Yeah. I got seasonal allergies. What of it? You? Really me? We are looking at a thirst trap. The ACE Award goes to. Great. Yay. The loud and clear was a great drop, but it needed more context. Yeah. Yeah. The nominees for best Drop by a guest are. Mom, relax. Facts. I'm only her in the. 1, 2, 3, 4. I declare a tiggle war. Yes. With everybody on stage. You're a liar. I'm in favor of legalizing all drugs. Yeah, baby. And the ACE Award goes to. Yeah, baby. That's Caitlyn Jenner. Big surprise there. Indeed. All right, so now we move on to best. I would say one of the most coveted. The most coveted award of the year. We've had blowback from guests in years past where it's like, wow, they didn't even get nominated. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. They speak up. Well, here we go. Best Guest. The nominees for Guest of the year are. Jerry Springer. Were you ever scared? Or what is the most scared? You were one day. And the other rule, Right. The first rule was I couldn't know what it was about. And the second rule was we weren't allowed to have any censorship. All right, so hold on. Every one of those episodes, you would just start cold. You had absolutely no idea what the subject was. That doesn't make me wonderful, actually. It's easier. Yeah, I agree. It's organic. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then. Because then I'm natural, then I'm just, you know, if I were watching this show, I say, you did what? Right. So, okay. And the other rule was there couldn't be any censorship. And because the show was about outrageous behavior. Well. And that's why everyone. You couldn't be on the show unless you did something which was dysfunctional or out of the ordinary. Whatever. We had this one guy on who was anti Semitic and raising his children to Be Nazis. And I had lost my family in the Holocaust, so. And he referred to me. He was sitting there on stage and, and he said, he kept referring to me as, you quote, hook nose. Hook nose, Jew, blank. And so I knew he was trying to get me, so I did. You know, the audience went crazy, but I just let it slide. I, you know, this is. He's going to try to insult me and I'm not going to. Well, at one point he says, if I had your mother, I would turn her into the lampshade and stuff her into the trunk of my car. And that I actually, I lost it. So I go up on stage and he's sitting in his chair and I'm sticking my finger close to his face and said, shut your. That time I did curse. And he stands up, he's 6, 4, 6, 5. This is not going to end well. Security jumps on stage, throws him down on the ground. And once he's on the ground, I'm going, come on, come on, come on. Barry Sonnenfeld. The thing about our producer is he, he managed to always find the most unerotic way to shoot these scenes. So Dick decided to do this double insertion. You know, a man and this woman vagina and another man in her rectum. And the actress for the double insertion didn't show up. So Dick went across the street to Barney's and found a woman who was a tailor and convinced her she wanted to be in a porno. So we had this amateur actress doing this double insertion. And the way Dick did it is he took a dining room table and took the middle leaf out of the dining room table and had. So the woman is sort of sway back laying on the table. So there's a man on top of the table in her vagina. And then Mark Antony is below the table doing pull ups with his legs and arms, trying to keep his penis in her ass from underneath. It was so wrong. It was so disgusting. It was so unerotic. And then it went downhill from there because I was, you know, just like raising Arizona. We'll get back to. I've always been a very wide angle guy, right? Because wide angle sort of it makes things cartoony and extreme. So when you're shooting an insert of a penis in an ass at this point with a wide lens, you have to be very close to the action and this. So now Marc Anthony is now on top of her. The other guy came very quickly. So now Mark is on we. He's on top of her in her ass. He's having Sex with her. She's thrilled and delighted. And he pulls his penis out. I'm maybe 8 inches from her ass, and it's as if her insides were a warm bottle of champagne that had been shaken way too much. A. Literally a fountain. It was like he was the core. And a fountain of human excrement shoots up all over me. The camera, my face. I put the camera down, I throw up on them. I leave the loft, I take an elevator down. Luckily, no one's in the elevator, and I am now standing on the corner of 17th and 6th in a pouring rainstorm, covered in human excrement, looking like Willem Dafoe at the end of Platoon. Sammy the Bull Gravano. Is it always a pistol, or is there many different ways? Because it seems like you're saying, I want to do it fast and clean versus some other. Some other way. I'm a hit guy, so you want to ask me directly what I can use. I'll kill you in any which way I want. With a hammer, with a knife, with a gun. It doesn't matter. Let me move this. Yes. Put it over here, closer to Brian, right next to me. Yeah, it's called liquid death. So it is true. So. So you go. And by the way, there's different modalities depending on what you think of the person. Is that correct? No, no, not really. I mean, there's reasons why guy die. Guys die, like I just explained. And you can like the guy or love the guy. You can't control it. So the. So just walk us through. So you go, all right, here's the night we're going to do this or the day we're going to do this. Everyone's on the same page. You got to know where the person lives or where they hang out or how, you know, give us the nuts and the bolts of it. We always go to the person that you're the closest with, who's also a may guy or a cat captain or whatever he is. And he's the guy who's going to set you up. He's going to call you into a meeting. You trust him. You come into the meeting and you'll find two, three guys in there. And you get worked, right? So it all determines on what the situation is. Of course, we know with each other's. We are in each other's houses, in and out of each other's houses, like. Or fellas. I mean, we know where we live. We want to keep it away from. In front of a family member. Member in front of a woman. In front of legitimate people so nobody gets hurt other than you. So we try to do all those things. It depends on the situation. So how did this one play out? He was told that he was going to be used on a hit, that he was going to kill somebody. This guy, Johnny Gammarano, a main guy that John Gotti hated. And Nino. And he was called to a club to talk about the hit. The hit was on him and he died in that club. And does he have how long? I mean, you know. Again, I only know what I see from, from movies. Is it sort of instantaneous that he realizes it's. It's him and he's dead? Or is there a guy comes up behind him and shoots him in the back of the head? You're dead instantly. There's no suffering, there's no pain, there's no nothing. You just completely collapse. You're dead. Especially if it's a high powered. If it's a.357 Magnum in the back of the head, it just blows your brains out. You're dead instantly. There's not. There's no suffering, there's no nothing. If you had to die. If I had to die, I would rather die like that than of cancer or anything else. It is instantaneous. Dana Gould. Should we play Huell now at the zoo in 1983, we're going back to Huell as a teenager. There he is, some monkey, a chimpanzee. 1983. There he is. A lot of pastels amongst the children. All the family. All the kids spend the day looking at the animals. They're the elephants, the mountain goats. You can watch a bear take a bath and the monkeys will keep you amused for hours. They're all so cute. Certainly I haven't watched a bear take a bath since Labor Day weekend at Wilford Brimley's. It's just programming for learning disabled 7 year olds. Like this is. This is for adults. Like. Also, Huell has never made a shirt that he won't tuck in. That's right. Just like untuck that thing. Oh, when he goes to the dentist and gets X rays and they give you that lead bath. All right, let me get my doctor's outfit. Just that guy is buttoned down, tucks in every shirt. You're right. But he can pull it off. Yeah. All the, all the loose sexuality of Jack Webb. So Huell is now going to talk to a nun about warthogs. A lot of people would say they're ugly. What would you say? I think they're ugly. All of God's creatures are ugly. Can you say something nice about the warthog? The coloring is very soft gray. That is lovely. That's good. That's. The color's gray. Can you say something nice about the warthog? Or do you say they deserve whatever they're listening? It's not obviously not a scripted show, but when you walk up to a nun randomly who's standing outside of a warthog pen at the zoo and ask her about one of God's creatures, you have to expect you're gonna get an affirmative. Right? Yeah. Let's say I wanted to shave a warthog and try to enroll it in a public school or take someone from a public school and make them my own warthog. And Dan Dunn. Speaking of porn, I just bought the Oculus Quest 2 VR VR. Oh, yeah. Does it have all the POV stuff? That's the sole reason I bought it. Does it have a Japanese vlog doll? No, don't. Oculus Quest. It's a VR goggles. So what happened was I. I was. I was mentioning to a friend of mine, I texted him because I noticed that we both like the same adult film star on Instagram, and I said, man, she's so unbelievably beautiful. Where is she? We got Lana Rhodes. She's out of the game now, but Lana rose. Stunning, right? So. And he said, have you ever seen her VR porn? And I said, no, I've never seen VR porn, period. Text me. And by the way, these are two grown men having this text exchange, buddy. It's a game change. How did you make it through Covid without it? He goes, you got to get it. You got to get it. I said, all right. So I go on and I buy this thing for 300 bucks or whatever. And you. Have you ever done it? Has anyone ever done it? No. No. Yeah, that's on a roads. And so you get these goggles, you put them on, and it's like they're. It's. It's kind of crazy, like. Like you put them on and they don't even lean in. If they lean into your right ear and they go, oh, baby, it'll be in your right ear. No, I'm not kidding you. Like, when I got it, I was like, I never leave. Leaving the the room again. Does it come with, like, a flashlight? No, it come with two hand things like this. And here's the problem. I'm not joking you. I've had to get good with my left hand with that, with the Thing because I'm right handed and I'm like, I gotta try to. And jump around and it's great. That's called the stranger. But I. What I want to do, what I would love to do is if someone ever walked in on me, like, if someone walked in, I'm in my bedroom. Oh, they've been there. And you got it. You just haven't said. You got to kind of sit up straight. Because if you lay down all the way, you can't see down because you can see all. It's like 360. Right. Really, what your angle is. Yes. You have to sit up so you can look down when you're doing missionary. So you can see there's no other choice. Yeah. And so you can just close your eyes and feed off like our forefathers did. It's impossible. It's compulsory. It's mathematically. I'm telling you, man. Get it. This has ruined you now for. Just like Adam's said, like, going analog. But here's what's weird. I. I'm already kind of getting sick of it because it's a bit. It's such a production because you got to put it on and. And you got your band on the thing. And then, like, if I start. This is so graphic. But if I start, like, if I need to, like, re. Lube. Yeah. Then I have to. I have to, like, take the goggles off and, like, reach over. Yeah. It's. It's a whole thing. For Ace Awards. Is this going in Best guess or more most uncomfortable moment. It's going in both. Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Did I. Fortuitous. Best guess. Oh, I don't have. I can't find the envelope. Oh. Huh. Looking down. Sex. White tie. It's on the ground. Oh. Oh, it's on the ground. I don't. I don't think that's it. Nope. No, that's something that should be in there. Got Song of the year. Oh, man. We're having a Warren Beatty Oscar moment. There it is. Sorry. All right. Got put into the mix. All right. Best guess. And the winner is. Huh? Oh, wait a minute. Oh, my God. Sorry. Okay, now I put the wrong thing. Best guess. Dan Dunn, everybody. Well deserved someone who will truly appreciate this honor. He will. All right, we move on to our seventh rant of the year, and then we'll declare a winner. Our seventh nominee for rant of the year. Bowing to the woke mob. It's not their fault. It's your fault. Stop apologizing to them. Stop listening to them. Stop kowtowing to them. Stop bending to them. They're nothing. They barely exist. There's 10 guys. How many Latino people want to be called Latinx? 0%. Why are we talking about Latinx? Because a handful of fucking white people told us we had to. Is it their fault? No, it is not their fault. They are fucking narcissistic pricks who do not recognize a finish line. It is not their fault. Everybody in Latino community, Latino, Latinx, Latino, Chicano, everyone fucking pipe up and tell them, shut the up. And the rest of the white people need to tell them to shut the fuck up, because look no further than Latinx. Somebody invented this word called Latinx 19 months ago for some reason. It's a thing. Except for no Latino wants to be called Latinx and three quarters of the white people don't give a fuck either. So how has it got traction? Because we let them get traction. We let them do it because we're scared. Because if you said, I don't want to call anyone Latinx, oh, then you're a racist. So now shut up. And now the five people with the fucking bullhorn get their way. Well, what I'm saying is, people, it's not their fault. They're doing what they would do. What do you fucking think the Taliban does? They do as much as we let them do. Oh, look at them. These guys are barbarians. They're beheading women, throwing acid in the face of schoolgirls just for reading. They're attacking. Yes. They're doing what they do. It's our job to kill them. It's our job to shut them down. They will keep doing what they keep doing. This is it. This is. This is everything. They will tear down every statue. They will come up with a new name for Latino every 10 minutes. They will start adding letters to the LGBTQ community. They'll add three letters. You fuckers. Don't go along with it. Don't go along with it. That's what I'm saying. Stop it. It's your fault. You're letting them do it. I've been yelling about this. I put a fucking trash can over my head and yell into it for 10 years. I'm not doing it. Thankfully, fucking five people have woken up. They're starting to knock it off. You know, when you lost Bill Maher, you're losing. You're losing the mainstream, the core of your constituents. You're losing them now, but you've lost even Bill Maher at this point. Please stop going along with this fucking idiocy and yes, you will be called a racist. They call black people racist who disagree with them. They call Larry Elders and Uncle Tom Candace Owens a racist. Of course they'll call everyone. There'll be a middle aged fucking blue eyed white chick calling Candace Owens a racist because she doesn't go along with their horseshit. Please, there's no end. People just stop going along with it. Just stop it. Stop it. Tell my son every 10 seconds, take your, when you go to school, take your mask off. Make them tell you 3,000 times to put your mask on every day, every day. Do what Mike August does. Every commercial flight, have them tell you 1500 times before you take off to put your mask back on. Just fucking do it. Because these people don't stop. There is no end game for them. Oh, do they love masks? Do they love Latinx? What do they love more, Latinx or masks? You want to know what the answer is? They don't give a fuck about either one of them. They want to tell you what to do. Oh, that was inspired. The money's on the last one. A lot of good choices. All right, rant of the year. Rub out him with your massager is bowing to the woke mob. Strong finish. Well, I want to say before we wrap so first off, thanks lynch and thanks Dawson. And I think it's just lynch and Dawson, probably Chris, everybody else did a bit of work. Yeah, all the folks that made this possible. But just how about the fact that here we go into our 13th year of this fantasy job that didn't exist. It couldn't exist without you guys, without you guys listening, without you guys. You know we always, we go to the shows, it's the dad got the son into it, the son got the dad into it, the woman listens while she's hiking and she got her friends into it. That's the only way this could crazy made up fantasy job exists. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Gina, would you like to say goodbye and good night to the audience? You know it's funny because I tell people because it's absolutely true. I can't believe in February I will be here. Seven years, I still feel new. Oh, thank you, Dawson. And I'm still, I'm so grateful that this is our job. I am so lucky. I look forward to it every day. Thank you, thank you. And Brian, I got nothing. Listening back. Some of those clips you could hear my voice. I think I've been sick for the better part of two years and looking forward to bigger and better things next year. A better show. All around certainly for me and I think it'll be reflected in the ACE Awards. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dawson and lynch and Max Zapata and Kaylin and all the people that helped on the ACE Awards and Gina Grandma Bryan saying mahalo. The 2021 ACE Awards were produced by Mike Dawson and Mike lynch, co producers Chris Loxamana, Matt Fondelier, Gary Smith, Kailyn Bean and Tammy Funes, Ryan Smith and a special thank you to archivist superfan Giovanni Orchestra and score for the ACE Awards thanks to Extreme Music. The ACE Awards were produced on Avid Pro Tools, edited on Adobe Audition and recorded using rode microphones. Catering for the ACE Awards by Overrated Salmon of Alaska Hotel accommodations by Lynch's new 4,000 square foot house. You Mike August travel to the ACE Awards furnished by your Seattle based flight crew. Thank you for joining us for this year's ACE Awards. Share it with a friend to show them what they missed in 2021 and get them listening in 2022. The ACE Awards. All right, this Adam Kroll show 3210 featured Gina Grad and Brian Bishop from 2021. That does it for today's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for even more clips. Until next time, mahalo and get it on.