David Alan Grier + Brian Posehn (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show: David Alan Grier + Brian Posehn (Carolla Classics)

Date: August 17, 2025
Highlighted Episodes:

• Adam Carolla Show #1108 – Guest: David Alan Grier (w/ Dave Dameshek, Allison Rosen, Bald Brian)
• Adam Carolla Show #1111 – Guest: Brian Posehn (w/ Dr. Bruce, Allison Rosen)

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Episode Overview

This "Carolla Classics" edition brings together some of the most memorable moments from the Adam Carolla Show, featuring comedian and actor David Alan Grier and standup comic Brian Posehn. The episode encapsulates everything that listeners love about Adam Carolla’s podcast—unfiltered wit, sharply observed rants, hilarious commentary on human behavior, and candid conversations about society, relationships, and the business of comedy. The tone is quintessentially Carolla: irreverent, insightful, and never afraid to wade into controversial waters, all with a comedic twist.

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Highlights & Key Discussion Points

1. Universal Driver Rage and LA Traffic Realities

• Adam and crew open with a long, animated riff on LA traffic, driving etiquette, and the frustrations of dealing with oblivious or timid drivers.
• Adam relates a story about a heated moment behind the wheel, unable to curb his honking despite vowing to be more relaxed (02:23–10:27).
• "People who don't understand those basic rules of the road should not be allowed to have a license. As we've discussed many times." – Adam Carolla (08:24)
• Dave Dameshek adds, "Most people have a default setting, which is when in doubt, brake... It's the opposite of what they should have." (09:20)
• The discussion extends to selfish drivers in LA, the futility of honking, and the social psychology of gridlock.

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2. Comedy, Gender, and Socialization

• Adam defends his long-held belief that men tend to be funnier than women—not because women can't be funny, but that social and biological factors (testosterone, dating rituals, defense mechanisms) lead to more men pursuing and excelling in comedy (18:01–27:32).
• "If the hot chick says number one in the comedy department… then a sense of humor will evolve because all we want to do is get laid." – Adam Carolla (19:26)
• The team debates whether women are socialized away from developing a comedic persona, or whether there's hardwired difference and evidence in behaviors like wedding speeches.
• Allison Rosen argues, "I think women are not socialized to be funny...the qualities that they are taught...have to do with being compassionate and listening..." (23:11)

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3. TV Shaming and Modern Conveniences

• The crew pokes fun at home design shows that hide televisions, questioning why society developed a stigma around showing a TV in the living room (34:13–41:58).
• Adam jokes, "What happened that you're not...I completely have missed out on this." (35:00)
• They riff on the absurdity of multi-use products marketed to suggest a more active or balanced life, when most people simply never use those functions.

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4. Hotel Room & Touring Comedian Stories

• David Alan Grier shares classic tales of touring life, subpar hotel rooms, and the low-key indignities of life on the road (49:03–56:17).
• Extended comedic bit about trying to order a simple wine glass in a hotel, highlighting the incompetence of hotel staff and looping customer service calls.
• Grier and Carolla riff on hotel bathroom design flaws, toiletry placement, and misadventures such as dropping phones in the toilet.

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5. Shame and Decency in Modern Society

• Adam reflects on societal shifts toward narcissism and the death of manners, from gum littering to thankless drivers to public barefoot behavior (125:32–139:54).
• "Shame is the guardrail on the rain slick highway of life." – Adam Carolla, with David Alan Grier gleefully turning it into a comic refrain (92:07–93:40)
• They question whether laws or internalized shame are more effective for keeping a polite society.
• "We need to bring back a certain, no-duh, decency and dignity—which is: don't spit the gum out, not because it's illegal, but because you're a human being and you share this planet with other human beings." – Adam Carolla (135:11)

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6. Comedic Personas: How Comedians Get Weird

• Carolla and Grier discuss which comedians are the oddest offstage: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Ray Romano, Steve Martin, and others are debated for quirks and idiosyncrasies (83:02–87:21).
• "Who's the weirdest dude you ever worked with or, you know, famous person?" (85:23)
• The panel reflects on how money, success, and idle time can accentuate eccentricities.

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7. Baldness, Teen Stardom, and Tabloid Confessions

• In a thread about former teen idol Leif Garrett, they dissect the ways celebrities try to control their public image, especially when their career is built on something that fades, such as hair (101:04–104:05).
• Discussion about the morality of "tell-all" books, confessional culture, and why even the most revealing stars still have secrets.
• "That's the one thing he won't come clean about: male pattern baldness." – Adam Carolla (101:31)

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8. Paula Deen, Alec Baldwin, and the Double Standard of Outrage

• A recurring theme is public outrage at celebrities over "crimes against culture" (racist remarks, slurs, misconduct), and the inconsistency in redemption and punishment (186:00–205:16).
• "Baldwin bounces back from stuff that Paula Deen would be crucified for." – Allison Rosen (193:13)
• Carolla points out the influence of talent, politics, and organizational bias in who gets cancelled and who does not; Baldwin's left-leaning politics and fame versus Deen's niche celebrity.
• The group reminisces about how language used to be, why words lose their power/context, and how intent, audience, and time have changed the scope of what's "offensive." (194:32–196:41)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

On comedy defense mechanisms and male intimacy:

• "Guys are uncomfortable being intimate, so they stand back and make jokes…they bust each other's chops constantly because it's uncomfortable for two guys to go, 'Hey man, I really appreciate you.'" – Adam Carolla (26:22)

On children’s TV and ‘everyone’s special’ culture:

• "That fucking poison that those retarded animators and creators shit out...Please, please stab yourself in the eye with a fucking mechanical pencil, would you? Creators of Wawa Wubsy...You're not an artist. You cannot create." – Adam Carolla (139:34–141:47)

On food, waste, and obsessive tendencies:

• "I can't leave food on the table, like that cow gave its life for me and I can't throw it away. I have this weird thing where it's like all the energy that took to whatever...that 4 ounces of beef on there, that diesel fuel, that's sunlight, that's photosynthesis...all that to get to me, and I can't just throw it away." – Adam Carolla (178:56)

On marriage and the futility of some arguments:

• "You don't have to win the argument. You never have to win the argument. You can storm out and go, 'You just buy your own fucking vitamins, then.' And then you've won." – Adam Carolla (175:05)
• "You're gonna win all... you're gonna win because you don't have to win the argument." – Brian Posehn (174:53)

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Notable Timestamps

• 02:23 – Adam’s driving/rage rant begins
• 18:01 – Comedy gender debate, wedding speech analysis
• 34:13 – "Creep of the Week": TVs and social stigma
• 49:03 – David Alan Grier’s hotel/road stories
• 92:07–93:40 – The epic "Shame is the guardrail..." riff
• 101:04 – Leif Garrett, baldness, and tabloid confessions
• 125:32 – Gum spitting, narcissism, and loss of manners
• 135:11 – Reflection on shame, decency, and social regulation
• 186:00–205:16 – Public outrage, Baldwin/Deen, double standards

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Tone & Atmosphere

The episode is at turns raucous, deeply funny, and oddly insightful—anchored by Carolla’s relentless logical consistency and willingness to say what others won’t, balanced by the comic sensibilities of the guests. Political correctness is lampooned, but with enough nuance to avoid simple shock humor. The show’s familiar banter and confessional honesty is present throughout, connecting everyday annoyances to wider cultural currents with humor and integrity.

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For New Listeners

This episode is quintessential Carolla: outrageous but never pointless, with honest digs at the absurdities of modern life and showbiz. If you love biting, unscripted comedy and barroom-style rumination about life, society, and comedy itself, this collection of classic moments delivers.

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For Further Listening

• Adam Carolla Show: Beat It Out – New show exclusively on Adam’s Substack
• Carolla Classics (Premium Only Feed) – Best-of episodes ad-free

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Note:

• Ads, intros, and outros have been omitted from this summary—focus is solely on substantive, content-rich segments.
• Quotes are provided with context and timestamp where available for listeners seeking specific moments.

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Transcript

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Dave Damashek]

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[Brian Posayn]

Thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

Have a good one.

[Dave Damashek]

Yep, that too. Want one place to manage all your online and in person sales? That's kind of our thing. Wherever you sell businesses that grow grow with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 a month trial at shopify.com listen shopify.com listen welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans. Select the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. There is a companion podcast titled Cruella Classics. It's a premium only feed without ads. If you'd like to sign up, make sure to check out Podcast Porn Freemium. And if you'd like to find ad free archives of the Adam Corolla show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show or exclusive access to Adam's brand new show Beat It Out. Make sure to check out Adam Carollo's substack adamcarollo.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorolo.com all right, let's get to the clips. Coming first we have Adam Carollo show 1108 with the great David Allen Grier, Dag Daggeroni baby. Dave Damoshek, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. This one's from 2012. It's an awesome show. I hope you guys enjoy and good day to you all. Good day. Alison Rosen Hello Adam Carolla, Dave Damaschek, Ace Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the poop?

[Dave Damashek]

And I got plenty of poop and bald Brian over there.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm Explosive Herman Mender Chuck wanted that.

[Adam Carolla]

One for Today's top drop.

[Dave Damashek]

Wow. All right, couple. I mean, I just did a thing that was sort of out of a sitcom or at least a bad romantic comedy, which is I did coached. I coached my son's basketball team. But on the way home, you know, driving through Hollywood, it drives me insane because the traffic is so bad. And then people just exacerbate the problem by not driving correctly. Like when you're leaving the back of Kimmel's Theater at 5:30 or 6 in the evening and you have to turn right down Highland, you have to make a move like no one is going to cone off the area and stop all flow of traffic so his highness can turn right. At a certain point, just make a berth. There'll be two lanes open, not three, two, but you only need one. You gotta turn right. But if you're just gonna sit there parked until Moses comes by with a staff and parts the Red Sea or the Brown Sea, as it probably is, it's never gonna happen. So just fucking start moving. And then my wife's always like, oh, relax, you know, And I'm like, I gotta go to work. I want people just to get moving. And so we got in this big philosophical conversation about, well, Dr. Drew says you're angry and Dr. Drew says you're not relaxed. And here you are.

[Allison Rosen]

This whole argument was while you're trying to turn right.

[Dave Damashek]

No, this spilled into the house of, look, you got everything going for you, everything's going great, and yet here you are, you're pissed off all the time. And I said, I'm not pissed off all the time. I went to the race with the kids the other week and the other day we had a good time and I coached. So the other week you weren't pissed? I was pissed half the week. But I said, so she said, you know, just take a step back kind of thing. And I said, you know, my feeling is I'm trying to get a bunch of stuff done in a short period of time. And when I get pissed is when I have to go back and tell somebody the same thing I told them five times because I'm working on six different things. I get resentful, but I will work. And that part where I get pissed off at telling people the same thing for the fifth time, I'm not going to work on. I have no interest in curing myself. That's up to them to not get me to a fifth time of telling them what I've already asked them to do the first time. But the part where I'm Just driving through traffic in life, yelling through the windscreen of life at humanity. That much I will work on. But the problem was is this conversation that we had got a little extended. And I was leaving the house a little later than I normally do to come do this podcast. And I got in my car and I realized, oh, I'm running 10 minutes late. And I started down the hill and I got to the one car that was just parked aimlessly in the middle at the stop sign, but just sort of facing a little bit the wrong direction and just there. The person wasn't doing anything, waiting for.

[Allison Rosen]

The sign to change.

[Dave Damashek]

I have no idea what they're doing. And where I live around 6:30, 7:00', clock, it's just. It's bedlam over there. Everyone's gotta move. And I also live on one of those hills that has that light, that side light. When it turns, it doesn't turn again for a fortnight. Like, you gotta get. You. Everyone's gotta move. Because once it turns red, it ain't gonna cycle again for a fucking long time. So I did the move where I was coming down the hill and for some reason, the little car in front of me tucked in behind the human being that had their eye, you know, the people that are asleep at the wheel. This person was literally looking down and texting as I threaded the needle. Because I don't slide in behind the tards. That's my move. Like, I'm not going to queue up and wait to get on the tarred roller coaster. I'm going to slide past people. So I slid past, looked at the guy. He was just sitting there, just staring at his phone. And I gave him the horn honk, which is, okay. First display of me not being satisfied in life. On the other hand, hello, there's other people who are trying to get places and you've decided to, by all means, you want to text or you want to do whatever you want to do, just pull over, get out of your car and go stand on the sidewalk and do it. Don't do it in the middle of the road. But anyway, then this one, and this is the key. And you guys will know, a lot of you guys will know what I'm talking about. The light's red and there's about nine, ten cars ahead of me, which I can tell from experience, if everyone kind of gets on, it will be just enough for me not to have to have this cycle through again. If I miss it now, I don't mind missing it. It's no right turn. On red. But fuck that, are you fucking nuts? I always turn right on that red and on occasionally left, but I'll always go right. I'm not going to sit there and wait for it to cycle. But if there's a lamb, a sheep in front of me, that is not going to turn right on the red because it's clearly posed no right on red. Or if they're turning left, then it ain't going to happen. And then I did that move where the signal changed. Feels like an eternity. You're not moving, you're not moving. It's like it's green. You're looking at green, green, green. Not moving, not moving. You're like, why aren't we moving? And then all of a sudden you start moving. And now it's this thing. It's like, go, go, go, go, go. Let's go, everybody, let's go. It's going to cycle. I'm running late and then I see it and I realize, oh, it's going. And there's one car in front of me. One car. And it turns yellow. And I'm like, I get on the horn. Go, go, go. Horn, horn, horn. Go, go, go, go, go. Because people don't realize the other signal doesn't cycle. It doesn't change immediately. It's not like flipping a card over. It's a three Mississippi. Otherwise there'd be carnage all over the world.

[Adam Carolla]

People who don't understand that those basic rules of the road should not be allowed to have a license. As we've discussed many times. What their light is now green. You want me to get a second?

[Dave Damashek]

There's going to be a lag of a second or two and they have.

[Adam Carolla]

To hit the accelerator.

[Dave Damashek]

You're not running red. You're going through a yellow. And I'm honking. Go, go, go, go, go, go. And it's like, yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow, break. And now I'm sitting there and now I'm late. And we're just going to sit there forever. Now if the person goes through, I will ignore the no right on red turn and immediately turn red. But now I have to sit there one car away from my precious right hand turn. And they, you know, the people that don't want to make the signal, they literally like start applying the brake as it's turning yellow. It's like, just roll, just roll. You could literally coast into this slot and no. So anyway, what was his possible excuse for not.

[Adam Carolla]

He was afraid he wouldn't make the light.

[Dave Damashek]

It was a gal. And when I say gal, I mean, like a 50, 60 year old woman. And most people have a default setting, which is when in doubt, brake. When I'm confused, apply the brake. It's the opposite of what they should have. It's when you're going up Highland and you're trying to get on the 101 freeway and they're trying to merge, but they're slowing down and traffic's coming up 70 miles an hour and now they're going 45. No, you need to speed up to merge, not slow down. But your instinct is play it safe, slow it down. It's sort of like a car that has more horsepower in a way is safer than a car that has half that horsepower. Because if something happens, you can hit it and get yourself out of harm's way, but instinctively you think, oh, the more horsepower is a more dangerous car. So I don't know what it is, but I went from telling my wife, I will take a chill pill, I will turn over a new leaf. There's a new atom. We'll return to honking the unbroken honk with the scream through the windshield. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, much like. Much like a hose that you spray still has some water in it when you turn the hose off.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You still had some rage in you.

[Dave Damashek]

From when you made the process. That's what it was.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to go on a rage binge and then you can be done.

[Adam Carolla]

With it sprayed all over the yard.

[Dave Damashek]

As I always say, it doesn't work out, you know. And she goes, what's the best way to address this problem you have? I go, well, when I tell you to put a date on the Mangria website, put it on there, that'll be one. And she'll go, well, it's just gonna be something else. And I always go, all right, but try me. Let's try this one. And then maybe it will be something else, but at least we'll have a date for the next Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Your car stuff. Your car stuff. What you're describing is, I think, pretty universal. I think no matter what city you go into, you're going to encounter that stuff. There is something particular, though, to la. I hate when people go like, oh, Chicago drivers, Or that they drive the most recklessly or look out in New York. But what is true in LA is the selfishness of drivers when they're just driving. And it doesn't make a difference if it's if you're in a 55 zone or if you're in a 25 zone. It's the people who are looking for something who just think, well, I have to find this, and therefore, I'm going to drag at nine miles an hour, and I don't care who's behind me. And then when you honk at them.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't even pull over.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, they're looking for something, and then you honk at them, and I get so crazy.

[Dave Damashek]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm always angry no matter who's in the car with me. You're gonna give yourself a heart attack with that kind of stuff. It makes me crazy. I honk my horn and you get.

[Dave Damashek]

Out of the way. And then they.

[Adam Carolla]

That's stunned, like, they jerk out of their seat. You can see physically what's happening. What's happening?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, I want you to get out of my way.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you looking for, jerk?

[Dave Damashek]

Need to talk to Lynette. How about the people that just realize. At a certain point, they just realize, oh, wait a minute. La Brea's my turn and I'm in the wrong lane, so I'll just go and cock my car sideways. Wait here. Like, look. No, no, you messed up. You messed up.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you pay the price, not the rest of us. That's exactly right.

[Dave Damashek]

And first off, a couple.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you're making me angry.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm behind the limit. But listen, here's what. Here's.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm car sick.

[Dave Damashek]

Here's what. I don't like. I don't like the worst part is the fucking sympathizers. Like, you do that thing where it's like, hey, Dick, go to the next street, make a left, and then make another left.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, maybe he just didn't know where he was going.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, but. But if he goes to the next street, goes left and goes left again, we're doing role playing here. Then he get the. Maybe he's from out of town. I've been to other cities and missed my street. And when you miss your street, you don't clog up the entire fucking intersection. Make everyone wait behind you. You go to the next side street. Doesn't matter if you're not familiar with said side street. Just go to the next street, make a left. Your next possible opportunity, it's usually 100 yards away. Make a left. Make another left, and then you'll be back onto that street again.

[Adam Carolla]

You've just cost all of us 17 seconds apiece. Why don't you waste your next three minutes of life instead of doing that to us?

[Dave Damashek]

Right? 17 seconds. Well, whatever it is, it's an hour. It's a long Time. All right. And we should all simultaneously have a wall of horn honking to shame them into going, which I have done. And it.

[Allison Rosen]

What I had yesterday was I was going south on Highland, going across Hollywood. It was super backed up. I had a green, and then it backed up. So I was in the intersection with the green light. Feeling like.

[Dave Damashek]

Right, because you were trying to turn left.

[Allison Rosen]

I was trying to go straight.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, but you. But the left turn had backed into your. It was so intersect.

[Allison Rosen]

It was so congested that it just started backing up. And it was just a line of cars. But I began to feel really nervous. And there's like. So then I got the red, and now I'm still in the intersection, but there's cars in the intersection on either side of me, too.

[Dave Damashek]

Gridlock.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. And then the cars, you know, who are gonna ram right into me, get a green. And I didn't know what to do other than just close my eyes. I mean, finally.

[Dave Damashek]

That's always the best. But I felt like any professional driver will tell you when you're in a situation of peril, you just close your eyes at a certain point. But the worst human being on the planet is when you are caught in the middle of the intersection, and the person.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, and they won't pull up.

[Dave Damashek]

The car in front of. Of you has 12ft worth of space. And it's like, just fucking. I'm hanging out here in the middle of an intersection.

[Allison Rosen]

Please open.

[Dave Damashek]

You are leaving a full car length between you and the car in front. And you have to see in your rear. I'm filling up your rear view and honking your horn. Speaking of honking horns, funny, we were speaking yesterday on two topics. We're talking about the N word, and we're talking about the Iraq. The Iraq Camaro. And when I was saying, look, everybody has a word. Every group has a word that's offensive to them. It usually depends on how good or how bad that group is doing. Weighs in on how bad the word is toward the group. And historically, I'm Italian. Maybe the maybe WAP meant a lot more. Cut a lot deeper to a certain point, historically, for Italian Americans or something. Maybe. My dad in Philadelphia in the 40s, WAP was a big deal, but now it's kind of. You laugh it off. And I don't know why, but doesn't seem to bother. Probably because Italians are doing all right. And usually when you're like, you're up on the hill laughing from your house, it's not as bad. Now listen. Boom, Cheech. Whatever. His name is. I'm not saying go out there and use racial slurs. What I'm saying is every group has one. We all have one, and we all. And most people, in the privacy of their own whatever, will use them. They don't go out and use them against that group. They make jokes about that. But to that end, somebody. I was talking about Irocene, people were tweeting me, Iraq in the Iraq Camaro in Iraq. It stands for international race of champions. Although if you're from New Jersey, it means Italian. Retard out cruising. You laugh.

[Allison Rosen]

Alison, I'm okay with jokes.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I think I misunderstood. I think perhaps I misunderstood what you were saying yesterday, because.

[Dave Damashek]

No, but you couldn't do that. You couldn't. You couldn't put black person in that joke.

[Allison Rosen]

I actually laugh at all awful jokes off the mic.

[Dave Damashek]

Off the mic. Right. But on the mic. You couldn't laugh on the mic if that was a black person. Let's try it.

[Allison Rosen]

I think I. This is. I will laugh at any joke.

[Dave Damashek]

Not a black one on the mic.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you tell a black one on the mic?

[Dave Damashek]

Probably not, because I don't want to get shit either. All right. That's what I'm saying. But I want black folk to understand whitey makes fun of fat people, bald people, dumb people, Italian, Chinese. Well, we're pretty. They're called. You know, we don't. It's narcissistic to think we limit it to black people.

[Allison Rosen]

But I was. What I was saying yesterday never had to do with jokes. I was talking about using that word specifically to refer to black people.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That was a specific context. Thought that everyone. I thought that what was being said was everyone uses that word in that manner.

[Dave Damashek]

No, what I was saying is everyone has said that word. But whatever. I don't know what Paula Deen was up to. And then somebody tweeted me it was a white person who fired her and did this. Now it got extra confusing. But look, I'm moving on to another touchy subject, which is. But I found. But it was interesting. An interesting thought about this. I was talking to my buddy on the phone, and he was talking about the topic of staffing up a sitcom, and they have to get women comedy writers, and they have trouble finding women comedy writers. But the network insists that there be X amount of minorities and X amount of women. And he was dying to find funny women comedy writers. And I told them, sadly, if there are funny women who are available, they're probably not that funny. I mean, the ones that are Funny are probably gainfully employed. And maybe the ones that aren't might not be so funny and that might be why they're not employed. I feel the same way about carpenters for that reason, but. So we had this talk and we started talking about how women comedy, men, comedy, funny this and that. And since I made my outrageous comments about saying that I thought men were funnier than women, not that women weren't funny, but that men were funnier because I was asked to pick got blown out of proportion.

[Allison Rosen]

Men are funnier or there's more funny men. Or both.

[Dave Damashek]

Ooh, both. I'll say both. But certainly there's more funny men. That statistically is hard to argue with. The men are funnier. I believe there's something behind it, which we talked about. Testosterone is behind it. The fact that every single. Whether it's bullshit or not, every single. Back in the day when you'd read the Playmate Ideal man, He's got to make me laugh. Well, when you're staring at the, you know, the D cups and sitting on the hay bale with the one piece of straw hanging out of her mouth like she's doing some work and taking a break nude, I like that. I'm done. I like stacking these hay bales. I'm a little sweaty. I'll take a little break in the nude, take a few photographs. Then it's right back to the combine for me, for hot 19 year old. But if you say, if the hot chick says number one in the comedy department, number one thing I want out of guys, a sense of humor, then a sense of humor will evolve because all we want to do is get laid. Makes sense to me. It's an attempt to procreate. I had this interesting. I had a second thing that I'd never heard before and. And I was laughing because I said, if you take your average wedding, I said, it's more instinctual for guys. And I hate that. I feel compelled to say, which I did in the article. You know, I think there's plenty of funny women. And I rattled off the names of the funny women. I think we know who they are and there's many we don't know. So this whole thing where you have to start everything with that going, I'm not saying women aren't. There's no funny women. Men are compelled. And the reason I say this is, I said, look, picture every wedding you've been to with the best man speech and the maid of honor speech. Unfortunately, I use my wedding as an example, which is my Wife's friend Suzanne, who works at like, scheduling at ABC and then Jimmy Kimmel. So that's not really fair, but everyone is. The chick gets up there and it's a lot of, you know, I met Tammy and I was looking for the right one.

[Adam Carolla]

And she had some good dates.

[Dave Damashek]

And we also know some not so good dates. But it's a lot of, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

When she came home and told me that she met someone named Glenn, I could tell in her voice he was the one.

[Dave Damashek]

And then a couple of tears and glenn, I know you and I know your family and a lot of that. And what's the guy do? The guy writes a joke like he's Jeff. The guy does what?

[Allison Rosen]

Jeff, roast.

[Dave Damashek]

He prepares a roast. Now, these are just a guy and a girl. It's a wedding and it is the guy who's the best friend of the dude and a chick. And the guy gets up there and tries to do a 15 minute comedy set. That's all of them. Sometimes they work, oftentimes they don't. But either way, that is a guy and that is a girl. And nobody says, hey, go up there and really slay these guys. The marching orders are, go up there, raise a glass, say something about your gal and about the new guy, and don't get too edgy. And then we'll all raise our glass and have it hit off the champagne flute. How come every guy turns it into a comedy routine and most women keep it more in a touching, in a more sentimental. No more how they met. I know these guys are going to be perfect with the occasional joke lobbed in, but guys go for full comedy. Well, that just shows that's how we're wired. And if that's how we're wired, then there's gonna be a larger proportion of guys trying to tell jokes.

[Allison Rosen]

And see, I think, and I ultimately agree with you, so hear this in that.

[Dave Damashek]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

I think women are not socialized to be funny. I think that what is valued when women are being raised, that the qualities that they are taught, these are what, this is what's valued. It has to do with being compassionate and listening and quiet and amenable. It doesn't. You know, when you're, when you make jokes, you are having this almost at times hostile engagement with the world and you're having the attention turned on you. And those are not typically female qualities.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, here's the thing. The reason I don't like the socialized argument is because I went through it with the dollies and the guns, like you Know, little girls play with dollies and little boys play with guns. But that's come. We socialize them that way because we shame the little boy if he picks up a little dolly. But if you just leave them alone, maybe the little boy wants to play with the little dolly, maybe the little girl wants to play with the gun. But if you do leave him alone, they don't. The girl wants to play with the dolly because she does, and the guy wants to play at the gun because he does. And I'm willing to admit there's just certain things that women are better at and certain things, or not even better or worse, it's just lean toward.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I guess maybe there's something then to the fact that of the women who do tend towards being funny, as a young girl, you do feel like, oh, this is not what I'm supposed to be doing.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, but I say, but I don't think any. Well, no, I shouldn't say that. I never got that. I never would have went, oh, you're right. You should write that down for me.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe everyone gets.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, I think the stories vary wildly, but yes, I agree. If there are more male airplane pilots than there are female airplane pilots, and the young female says, I want to be an airplane pilot, she's gonna get more pushback than the guy because statistically she's going against the whatever. But these days, I don't know. And I do feel like whether it's the dolly or the gun, that's just kind of how we're wired. But I had a thought that I want you guys to dig upon, and I found it interesting. And I was talking to my buddy about it last night, and I said, you know, another thing I realize is that guys are uncomfortable with intimacy. And when guys get uncomfortable in a situation, or when one gets uncomfortable in a situation, they make a joke, they try to laugh it off. It's an instinct of make a joke. So when you tell a guy, make a speech, make a best man speech. He doesn't want to go up there and get all sappy and full of tears and all this stuff. So what's he do? He makes a bunch of jokes. And it's a potentially intimate situation. Guys are much less intimate than women. We have much more difficulty with intimacy and the people who have more difficulty connecting and with that intimacy. That's probably why we're better at writing jokes, but worse with the kids, because that connection that is like, we all know the guy who's keeps making jokes but can't hug it out you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Whether it's the uncle defense against being seen as soft, like being seen as.

[Dave Damashek]

Emotional, it's just a defense of intimacy. I mean, there's cartoon examples of it when the woman that the guy's not attracted to says, come here, big boy, and he makes a joke about whatever it is. But I started thinking, guys use comedy as a sort of way to keep people at an arm's distance from an intimate standpoint, whereas women would prefer to be more intimate. And it oftentimes gets in the way sometimes of intimacy. And that's why guys should shut up. But it was an interesting thing that I thought guys are uncomfortable being intimate, so they stand back and make jokes. They do it with themselves. Yeah, they bust each other's chops constantly because it's uncomfortable for two guys to like go, hey, man, I really appreciate you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would also say though that it goes where you started. This whole thing that beyond socialized and I think practically in the 21st century from Sarah Silverman is sort of the forefather, it seems, of modern female comedians and funny women.

[Allison Rosen]

Forefather.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, right.

[Dave Damashek]

I swear. See the slip of the tongue.

[Adam Carolla]

But yes. So now Amy Schumer and so on. And the more examples you have, the more women that will or girls will see this as a viable option as they move forward. But like you say, though, Ace, I think you're right. The man is the predator in the situation and so he's using everything in his quiver to, to attract those women. And they sense that just as the woman sends. Oh, I like to laugh. The indictment isn't on the woman. Well, that doesn't really. That's not really true that you care about a sense of humor. It's more an indictment of the quality of the sense of humor. Well, Two and a Half Men is successful in this country and so is Jay Leno. More so than other things. Doesn't mean that they aren't sincere. When they say, I love to laugh. That's what I like most in a man. It's just that their sense of humor differs from yours.

[Dave Damashek]

I said, well, yeah, I basically said to my buddy I was talking to, I said, as soon as the first guy sees a 41 year old Bobcat Goldthwaite dating a 19 year old Nikki Cox, he does the math pretty quick, you know what I mean? Like, I better start coming up with some jokes. And that's pretty much why we then go home and commercial work on the.

[Adam Carolla]

Show and in, you know, I don't know what level of Comedy there was in the 10th century of mankind's existence. But as we get further along and a little more civilized, you're obviously not punching anybody who's vying for the attention of women. You're instead, you're going to put them down now.

[Dave Damashek]

Let me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll show you and I'll look at what I am. Aren't I dynamic? That's basically what jokes are. But I think that's interesting too. Ace. I don't want to get off on.

[Dave Damashek]

The side very quickly. Yes. Have to be interested.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's not trying to be interesting. I find this. I think, I think this is. There are two kinds of funny too. I feel like. And all I always have, you know, you have a self esteem thing as well. Obviously it's a major part of what makes you funny. But I always find that there's, for lack of a better way to describe it, Jewish. And then testosterone guys are funny and I think that I am more obviously Jewish and put upon and that's my point of view. Whereas Kimmel, you to some degree you, Sal, certainly Ray, Tony, Barbieri, you guys don't have self esteem issues at all. Which makes me. Or not you. But, but those guys, where is it coming from? They never, they never were nerdy. I don't feel like. Or they didn't feel like square so much. I bet you they were always kind of popular guys and everything. And so theirs is sort of much more of an attack. You know, they're. They're like.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Comedy is much. Yes. My. Everything I say is a put down of myself because it's sincere. Whereas those guys are always. It's always pushing out crank yankers is great because it's not about lil woe is me. It's about like I'm gonna get you. It's an interesting thing.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Well some people, you know, like Jimmy are just talented. Happen to be funny. Like a musician who has a great ear and they just go do it. You know, we always try to. I think there's way too much with comedy where we go. Well, we do way too much of it in life in general. Where we go. The reason that guy's interested in X, Y or Z is because he was expl. Exposed to it at a he. And if you think about me and Jimmy, Jimmy comes from a completely and utterly different background than I do. Couldn't be. We're million miles apart in terms of our family, upbringing, religion, every education, everything there is on the planet except for we both have a good sense of Humor. And that's what drew us to each other, I don't think. And then you do this thing where you go, well, Adam, you have a good sense of humor because you were isolated, you were neglected, so now you need attention. And then. But you go, okay, well, then what about Jimmy? Ah, he got too much attention. And it's like, well, which is it? You know what I mean? You guys make horrible doctors. Because your argument would be like, your liver's bad from drinking too much. Your liver's bad from not drinking at all.

[Allison Rosen]

It's extreme.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Like, it's like, no, it's just as I've said it many times. It's like, I talked to a lot of car guys, and a lot of those car guys are like, well, my dad owned a shop, so he got me into it pretty early. And then there are a lot of guys who are like, my dad's a lawyer, and he doesn't know the first fucking thing about cars. I like cars. I don't know why we can't. It's a narcissistic thing where we have to figure out everything and somehow we have to control everything. Like, oh, well, you exposed him to cars at a young age, and thus he appreciate. No, he's just into cars. And I feel the same way with whatever weird sexual fetish you're into too. Unless somebody did something really good and weird to you, and then we have a discussion. All right. Ah, godaddy, baby. Go daddy. You got a product you want to sell? Online business you want to start? First thing, you need a good domain name. And with GoDaddy, it's only 99 cents for new or transferred dot com, less than a buck for the whole year. And that's a little rich for your blood. Get the fuck out of here right now. That's right, both earbuds, not just your bad ear. Both of them. Pack it in. Someone's like, I want to stay and listen to the podcast. No, I don't need your cheap ass dollar a year. No, it's twenty thirteen dollar years. Less than a dollar a month. Significantly less. Well, I know it's less. I don't have a calculator on it. I'm not going to make any bold predictions, but that much I know. Play it safe. Play it safe. And I'm going to say it's less than a dol. Now you want to. Then get some more. You want to hoard some dot com, Then you can get those for just $9.99. That is less than $10. So each new domain name comes with a free page, one page website, personalized email, photo album, and 24. 7 customer support. Or as we like to round up 30 10. Just enter Adam 99 at checkout. Adam 99 at checkout. Go Daddy. Hit the GoDaddy [e-mail] and that's Adam, the number nine. And the number nine. GoDaddy.com. all right. Dag is. He's like a black panther. He does that pacing. He's in a cage. You know what I mean? You know, when you see that panther pace, it's feeding time. He does that pace.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're saying hit the skids, Daniel.

[Dave Damashek]

Shack, you two. No, no, I'm. I'm thinking that, but I'm not saying. And I didn't use Jew either. I used to. More derogatory. Anyway, I'm thinking maybe a little creep of the week. All right, so be it. So be it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it.

[Dave Damashek]

Hit it. Bald.

[Adam Carolla]

Crepe, crepe, crepe.

[Dave Damashek]

Of the wake.

[Adam Carolla]

Of the wake. Here she is, the creep of the week. I will skip over the sports. You know, there's nothing to talk about anyway.

[Dave Damashek]

It's something.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that baseball. I know you do, sister. I. I'm watching. I'm flipping the dial this morning and I come across hgtv. And of course, as they do, they're fixing a house up and a room and a. Sure, carpenter. I'm sure you get into it from a design standpoint, but these things, when they. In a room, the piece, they resist us. They always show off. Look at this. Your flat screen, it lowers so that you don't have to look at it.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or what about this? This beautiful painted portrait covers it up. And when you're ready to watch tv, you lower it.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And be like, oh, I can't. I'm so happy. Because what am I missing in society that this became a point of shame? Owning a television. What. What happened that you're not. I completely have missed out on this. And then is it these intellectuals, the pseudo intellectuals who love to tell everybody they don't watch TV when obviously everybody watches tv? I haven't seen TV in three months. We never have had cable by choice. Our children don't watch and I don't. Who goes into another person's home and says, oh, my, this is a wonderful home. Wait a second. Is that a flat screen TV in this room with comfy chairs and a couch?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Joanne, get your things.

[Adam Carolla]

We're leaving.

[Dave Damashek]

Kids, come now.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't even make eye Contact. These are not our kind of people.

[Dave Damashek]

It's time for us to go.

[Adam Carolla]

What gives with this hiding of tv?

[Dave Damashek]

I'll tell you what it is. And I've gone through this. And I've just recently gone through this. In life, it's important to sort of reverse engineer things. Like, there's a lot of people that go, look, this has. It's a rear wheel drive car, but you can lock the front hubs from inside the car. When you get off road, for just pushing one button, you don't have to get outside and lock the hubs. And you're like. And it has all terrain tires. And you're like, how much off roading are we doing? I don't think we're doing any off roading on the off chance we do some. I'd rather have a car. That's where I don't have that wind of the knobby tire going down the freeway. I want a car that's built the best it can possibly be built for asphalt, because I will be on asphalt 99.9999% of the time. This thing of, well, the TV just disappears. And I thought I was getting into this. I was talking to Lynette about it. So I said, look, first off, when is the TV gonna go away? I don't want it to go away. It's gonna be out. And it's not like you're gonna go, well, it's midnight. I'm done watching what Jodi Arias is up to. I will put the TV away and it's back in its crown royal sack. And then I'll go to bed, and then the next morning I'll wake it up. No, it's just gonna stay out like every other TV stays out. The only possible reason it would ever go away is if you're throwing a party or something, but in which case no one walks through your bedroom, hopefully. Unless you fucking Kevin Nealon. It's the same thing. Spill a pinstripe of dark red wine down my white carpet. Why do people have those things?

[Adam Carolla]

Now that I think about it as you describe it, what is the point of those square or circular things that sit in people's kitchens that they deposit their bags of coffee into so that then you can deposit the thing from the jar into your coffee maker? What do we need the middleman jar for? Just keep it in the stupid Starbucks bag.

[Dave Damashek]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a lot of Pyrex out of business.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of stuff where you don't realize that you're never going to do that step. But I do think that we are in love with the technology. We're in love with the possibilities, and we're in love with ourselves. Like, we go, I'm gonna put some racks on this baby. I'm gonna throw my mountain bike up here. I'm gonna get. I'm gonna get one of the big Malamute. No, Maybe a husky. Maybe Malamute Husky mix. Maybe I'll start wearing a choker like Jeff Probst. I'm gonna spend every weekend running these trails, riding my mountain bike. It's gonna be like a granola bar commercial up there with me and friend. Unclear whether we're married or just fucking, but either way, mountains. Meanwhile, every weekend is you doing online gambling from your computer or beating off to you porn while the thing just gathers dust out in the driveway. But I do think we have a thing where, like, you know, when people go, like, this shoe can be used as a cross trainer. It can be used for mountain climbing, it can be used for indoor volleyball, it can be used for windsurfing. And you're like, yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah, I'm all those things. Meanwhile, you do nothing but walk out to the car in it, get in your automatic car and drive to work, and then walk into the office. But we like the possibilities.

[Adam Carolla]

You're very thoughtful today.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, I'm really up in my head today. I think the notion of seeing that, it's like you hit one button, TV disappears back into the bureau.

[Allison Rosen]

But to Dave's point, how does having a TV out interfere with having a party?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's the same people who have books that they don't read.

[Dave Damashek]

You know what I mean? Like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like fancy books is like, I'm not all about the television.

[Dave Damashek]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, they often say.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When you go and look at houses and apartments, they what is. That's one of the things I always say. You don't want to walk in and the first thing you see is a tv.

[Dave Damashek]

Why not?

[Adam Carolla]

I love looking at tv. I have one in every room. And I'm not gonna.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm not gonna be shamed into not saying. It gets in our world.

[Adam Carolla]

I love television.

[Dave Damashek]

It was there for me when none.

[Adam Carolla]

Of the rest of you were like, you still aren't there for me. My best friend, tv, he's taught me everything I know. He's introduced me to girls and the pleasures that they can provide, which I never know in real life, but Just the same, he's there for me. He makes me laugh. Sometimes he makes me cry.

[Dave Damashek]

Here's to you, tv.

[Adam Carolla]

And to those of you who choose.

[Dave Damashek]

To hide it away. See if you can hide from this. Cause you can't. You're the creep of the week. Taste the blaster.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how I feel.

[Dave Damashek]

I agree. I love tv. It's been my best friend over the years. And I have difficulty traveling because I can't control my tv and bring my TV until it's the anchor.

[Adam Carolla]

As soon as you get into that hotel room. What do you mean? I'm out of sore toe. I have a big thing tomorrow. I don't know, my sleep is way off and everything. Oh, Sports Center.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, Gary Haftart over there. Boo. Did he. When they said Celebrity Apprentice and I said, where's that? We film it in Manhattan Films. Right in center of New York State. The Trump Plaza. Trump International. I said, okay, how long? I said, well, at least a couple of weeks. And if you get by a couple of rounds could be as much as a month now. I better. Husband and father's first thought would have been, what about the twins? But for me, it's what about my special child? TiVo? I thought, what am I gonna do without TiVo? I have three weeks a month in a hotel room with a plasma screen. But no, just coming home.

[Adam Carolla]

No rewind button.

[Dave Damashek]

No rewind button.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't pause this to talk about it for four minutes. What we're talking about. Oh, and I know you do that for 20. I like.

[Dave Damashek]

And you literally come home and it's. It's ESPN3. It's a world series of badminton coming at you. We have Florida International Resorts, and you're like, lover match. Oh, God damn it. I can't control anything. So I said to. And this is where I realized. I just forget it. I've lost all. I said, well, I don't. I honestly, I don't think I can do this because I can't go and not control a TV set for, you know, a month. Potentially a month. And then Gary and everyone else said, slingbox. And I said, it'll never. What are you talking about? Oh, we just go and you hook it up to computer and then it's. You can get whatever. It's like having a tvo. I said, it's never going to work. And I said, it works for everybody. And I said, not for me, it's not. It's not going to work. It's just impossible. Nothing ever works. I've lived in a house for 15 years. The cell phone doesn't work in the house. The cable's always out. Everything's always out. Nothing ever fucking works.

[Allison Rosen]

I said, you make a force field that disconnects electronics.

[Dave Damashek]

I do, I have electronics. I do, I do.

[Allison Rosen]

You're a dead zone.

[Dave Damashek]

I have, I have a. It's like scanners. I have a force field that shuts down electronics. So I said to Gary, no way, this is not gonna. There's no way I'm gonna come home at the end of 14 hour day making sandwiches with Penn Jillette and there's all my shows waiting for me. It's not gonna happen. He said, al Kamar, come out to New York, I'll hook it up for you myself. I said, all right, let's do it. So what happened, Gary? Didn't work. Right. You know why?

[Adam Carolla]

Because that does work for everyone. Except you know why it didn't work?

[Dave Damashek]

We were in a remote fishing village called Manhattan. Didn't have clean water. You know, to walk 20 miles to the phone first to get a phone. So then Gary does this to me. I say, okay, I knew it wouldn't work. And then he said, yeah, the WI FI signal here is bad. It's weak, weak WI FI signal. So that's why it's not working. If I hook it up, if I give it the main line, meaning, you know, we're free basing this shit. But if we actually get out the rig, jack in and put it, just jack it into that vein, then it's going to work. And I said, okay. It was actually a thing where he got it. He got it. He got it working for 10 seconds, left the door shut. He went walking down the hall. Before he got to the elevator, it was jammed up and you know, wheel turning and the whole thing. So then he gave me the look. Couple days, I'll come back, we'll just jacket mainline and once we jacket mainline, it can't not work mathematically. I said, good. And I had hope. So I had two more days of women's volleyball at 2 in the morning and now and a lot of self medication. And now Gary came back on Sunday and said, this time we just pulled the thing and put the cord right in the back of the thing. What happened, Gary?

[Brian Posayn]

It worked for about 10 seconds and.

[Dave Damashek]

Then the same thing happened, right? And then that was that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but why?

[Dave Damashek]

Because it's me and because I made the proclamation of this will never work. This is this device you claim that is gonna work in my room in Trump Plaza in the middle of Manhattan that everyone has 100% success with no possible way.

[Allison Rosen]

It's worse because of the roller coaster. They toyed with you.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes. So that was that. And I was like, I get off this fucking show now. Now. I was emotionally spent. I was a shell of a man. I was broken. I was ruined.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought it was the competition that did it to you.

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, it was the.

[Adam Carolla]

Should have told Trump that I'm not myself. I don't have my.

[Dave Damashek]

I don't have my TV Dave Damaschek football program. You can get it on iTunes. Website davedamishek.NFL.com hey, Top 100 show on.

[Adam Carolla]

NFL Network Wednesday and Thursday this week, all the way down to the final 10. Now names Ace best NFL player. Who's going to be number one. That'll be going into 2013. Who would you. It's the number one player, active player, all time.

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, no. It's going. They do it going in.

[Adam Carolla]

Frank Gifford probably wouldn't have much to offer on the football field.

[Dave Damashek]

I think you gotta go. Flacco, I guess. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, he's 19, but yeah, that's.

[Dave Damashek]

That's how you won a Super Bowl. And we walked through everyone to win a Super bowl and it wasn't one. Super Bowls were like, hey, Ray Lewis and the defense just going to go out and win these four. So all we got to do is protect the ball. It wasn't that kind of Super Bowl. It was him throwing the ball around. I mean, there's usual suspects, but Peyton Brady, Adrian Peterson.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's going to end up being Peterson. I think Aaron Rodgers is the best.

[Dave Damashek]

I thought. Well, I thought Aaron Rodgers, but Flacco did more first team than Rodgers did.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, find out on the top.

[Dave Damashek]

100 this week, neverforgetclub.com I don't know if you know this, but 60% of men have forgotten their anniversary, birthdays. Valentine's Day can kill a relationship. These guys have this great idea, which is for just a few bucks a month, it's automated. And they give the gifts. They will give the gift. You know, random gift or can you at least request it? It'll be age appropriate. No, they'll give the. Yeah, you give the flowers, the chocolates or whatever. It's your mom's birthday. You forgot your mom's birthday. They won't forget. It's your mom's birthday. She gets the flowers with your name. Clever. Yeah, I don't think it says son. I think it actually has your name in it. Anyway, they're doing crowdfunding to get started. It's an interesting company. So they're going to go live this fall. You can contribute today and you get credit toward your Never Forget Club subscription, plus exclusive discounts. So go to neverforgetclub.com sounds fun. Sign into the Indiegogo and contribute and then be a part of it. NeverForget Club.com. all right, check. You clear out. We got talent waiting.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think I deserve that.

[Dave Damashek]

No, that's your not talent. I didn't say you weren't talented. He's not ready. Jerk. He's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, take it. That's what you earn.

[Dave Damashek]

Sir David Alan Grier Dagaroni. He's playing there. He's playing the improv in Dallas. All right, now I'm laughing because.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, because you're so jealous.

[Dave Damashek]

We'll talk. Yeah. Next. Welcome back to the Adam Carolla Show. Here's what not to watch on TV tonight at 5 on Turner Classic Movies, don't watch Son of Lassie. The collie follows his master to war and growls at Nazis in Norway. At 7 on TLC, be sure to miss. My teen is pregnant and so am I. Two families each welcome a new child into their lives. And at 8:30 on Spike, definitely don't watch Tattoo nightmares. A client needs a marijuana leaf transformed to better his job prospects while another suffers through pain to get rid of a tattoo of the Los Angeles skyline. That's what not to watch. Now back to the Adam Carolla Show. Oh, so excited to have Dagaroni in studio Addison improv in Dallas, June 27th through the 30th.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's right.

[Dave Damashek]

Dag, what's the schedule over there? We got a Thursday night show.

[Dr. Bruce]

Thursday night show. That's why I really get wild. Because you only got one show, then you gotta do press the next day. So I.

[Dave Damashek]

Two buck. Wow. Two. Two shows Friday and Saturday.

[Dr. Bruce]

Sunday's payday. So that's always the best show.

[Dave Damashek]

Now, do you stay sort of almost across the street and up the street just a little bit at that place?

[Dr. Bruce]

I try not to tell us. I. I have a special hotel that I've been staying.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, really?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. That I like. That's nice. At this point in my life, I have to be comforted. You know, I can't be with the microwave popcorn and, you know, can I.

[Dave Damashek]

Can I tell you the worst sort of. You know, sometimes the snow feels cold when your ass hits it. But if you're sitting in a Jacuzzi and Then you jump into it. Sometimes it really stings like that. It's not. It's kind of the transitions in life, you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Extremes.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

Co signing. Fake Teresa, co signing.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think I know where it's going.

[Dave Damashek]

Here's where this is going. I was staying at whatever that La Paz Beach Resort is where, you know, all the celebrities go. Jimmy Kimmel did one of those at auction, bought the $20,000 villa thing, you know, and everyone shows up and you have your man servant and your private beach and, you know, they bring in the shrimp and lobster dinners every night and the infinity pool and everything like that. And that was sort of like Wednesday, Thursday. And then I had to split because I had to get to Addison, Texas, to do the improv. And I stayed at the, you know, Best Western up the street. No one's, like, across your window has a view of the parking lot out in the back and whatever.

[Dr. Bruce]

But it's right near the venue.

[Dave Damashek]

You can almost walk, by the way, walking to the venue. And so I've. When I split my own private. Last time I was in Cabo San Whatever, sitting in a place that had its own movie theater while I've had some servant, like, refilling my daiquiris. And now I find myself sitting on my bed where the TV faces the same direction when it runs the same direction as the bed. Never a good thing. And I'm sitting on it, and I'm drinking my red wine from one of those plastic cups that almost crush. It crushes when you put it. And it comes in a little plastic. Little sheath around it. You get it from the bathroom. It's either that or the ceramic mug. Yes. And I was like, God damn. This is.

[Dr. Bruce]

I ask for the big wine glass. Oh, please. That is the wine. Wine. What?

[Dave Damashek]

Peanut? I'm sorry. I needed wine. Hello?

[Dr. Bruce]

What kind of wine you want?

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, I have wine.

[Dr. Bruce]

Red or white? What kind of wine we got?

[Dave Damashek]

I like red.

[Dr. Bruce]

Or both.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, no, I didn't. I'm not.

[Dr. Bruce]

You can have a burro. Would you like a burrow?

[Dave Damashek]

A burro?

[Dr. Bruce]

A burro.

[Dave Damashek]

A bureau. A beer? A burro. Okay. Yes. Do you have. You have beer?

[Dr. Bruce]

No. Okay, so a glass of water?

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, I have water. Reggie. Reggie.

[Dr. Bruce]

Sir, we're gonna have to call you back.

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, I don't. All right, let me call.

[Dr. Bruce]

My page is blowing up. Yeah, can I put you on hold, please?

[Dave Damashek]

No, I just need.

[Dr. Bruce]

I just put you right on hold. The new room service gonna call right.

[Dave Damashek]

Back for your Order just like, a wine glass.

[Dr. Bruce]

Then it's gonna ring. Then you say, hello.

[Dave Damashek]

Hello.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hi.

[Dave Damashek]

Hello. This is what happened to me every day in a hotel.

[Dr. Bruce]

I was like, can I quit your home, please? Room service gonna call you back. We very busy. It's the same person. Hello? Hi, it's me. I'm room service now.

[Dave Damashek]

It's like those movies where they pull the guy into the small town court and they go, when the judge finds out about this, he's gonna be very angry. And then the guy takes the cop hat off and he puts the judge hat on, and it's insane, dude. Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

So why you not. You don't sound funny. You sound like you're in a bad mood. It's like, yeah, bitch, I ordered breakfast yesterday. You're not funny, though, like on the shows. On your little TV shows. I see.

[Dave Damashek]

Well.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, make a joke or something. Make me laugh, you know?

[Dave Damashek]

Well, no, I just want a glass. I'm just. Well, not over the phone. I need a stemmed glass.

[Dr. Bruce]

What's that?

[Dave Damashek]

Is a stemmed glass.

[Dr. Bruce]

So you want a cup?

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, I have a cup.

[Dr. Bruce]

Do you have plastic on it?

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, I have the Reggie. I have Reggie. No, no, don't get Reggie.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, don't put you on hold.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hello?

[Dave Damashek]

Hello? Hi, we're just speaking. You said room service was gonna call me.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's me. I'm room service too.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm looking for a wine.

[Dr. Bruce]

We don't have. That's housekeeping. I'm gonna call you right back.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hello?

[Dave Damashek]

Hello?

[Dr. Bruce]

Hi.

[Dave Damashek]

Wait. Yeah, we just spoke.

[Dr. Bruce]

Housekeeping. Do you have a question?

[Dave Damashek]

Yes, I would like a glass.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's room service. I'm gonna put you on hold.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, now, hold on a sec.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hello?

[Dave Damashek]

Hello?

[Dr. Bruce]

Hi, room service.

[Dave Damashek]

Hello?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay, we keep speaking.

[Dr. Bruce]

Who am I speaking with?

[Dave Damashek]

My name is Adam.

[Dr. Bruce]

What room is that?

[Dave Damashek]

It's 4:21.

[Dr. Bruce]

When did you check in?

[Dave Damashek]

When did I check in? Where did I check in? I checked in here.

[Dr. Bruce]

I need a car bring around in about two minutes.

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, I don't need a car. I need a stemmed glass. I need a wine glass. A stemmed wine glass. Hi. Hello, Dee Dee. I mean, a peanut. I'm looking for a glass. I got you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. Never. The worst is the plastic glass. The plastic.

[Dave Damashek]

But what's worse, the ceramic. Drinking wine out of a ceramic mug.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'd rather have that than a plastic wine glass. That's when you know you're in a hotel. That is like the problem with the party hotel.

[Dave Damashek]

The problem with the ceramic mug is it's Always black. No offense, but you can never really tell where you're at with it or.

[Dr. Bruce]

If someone put ass juice in the coffee.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's got some sort of like white dustiness on it.

[Dave Damashek]

Something's in it. It's a little, little corroded. Yeah, it's ashy.

[Dr. Bruce]

Speaking of black fake Theresa, you're black outfit today is fabulous.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Like a sexy Morticia.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okie dokie.

[Dave Damashek]

So, dag, you, you'll be staying in Dallas?

[Dr. Bruce]

I do, but sometimes I do it like this. Like I go, no, but they really. Did you go on the website? Yeah, I went on the website. The club's saying they, they have a new deal with the new hotel that is just fabulous. Just go on the website. I don't. And then I'll say, look, look, listen, I'll fly in, take me to your hotel. If I don't like it, I'm changing because I don't like to change hotels. I know, it's terrible. Then I'll spend a day there, I'll go in the lobby and then I immediately switch to the other hotel. I've done that too.

[Dave Damashek]

The only power move I've ever done in my life is I was going out to do Stern for like a week and they flew me out and put me up. And now where did they put you up? Well, the first place I don't remember because I literally just opened the door and the door hit something like on the way open. Like it was that small. The Manhattan rooms can be like insane. And I opened it and I just, I took one, I put like one foot in. And I just got a wave of depression, you know, that weird sinking dread kind of. Oh, my God, five days of this. No, you can have a smile. I went to the Riga Royal.

[Dr. Bruce]

Rico rug was the shit back in the day, man. I've been in small hotel rooms, like in New York that were sexy though. It was just a big ass bed. Like you just do coke and fuck in that room. You know that kind of shit. That's the sexy shit. But then if it's small the other kind of way, it's like, I want to kill myself.

[Dave Damashek]

Heroin.

[Dr. Bruce]

So that's not cool.

[Dave Damashek]

Can we agree that there should be a law that in hotel rooms? Because Manhattan's a little light on square footage and there's all these boutique places, they get really cool and chic and trendy and clever. And clever. And so they do the pedestal sinks and it's all good, but there's no fucking place to put the toiletry bag. And the toiletry bag goes on top of the toilet. Like it. Finally it found its mark.

[Dr. Bruce]

I know Adam very well. Not only are you a racist and bigoted, but you.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm just racist. I don't find myself bigoted.

[Dr. Bruce]

Adam loves his toiletries. Take us through your daily regime. You do your moisturizing or cleansers.

[Dave Damashek]

I have combination skin with an oily skin.

[Allison Rosen]

Better than mine.

[Dave Damashek]

I have an oily T zone and a combination skin. So I obviously have to travel with a lot of product. A ton of product.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. You got it. You can't. You just have your little bag of shit.

[Dave Damashek]

It can't be on the toilet and you can't set it on the pedestal.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever dropped anything into the toilet accidentally?

[Dr. Bruce]

I dropped my phone in the toilet.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes, Toilet. Let me say something. Let me.

[Dr. Bruce]

I didn't even pull it out. I just. I went right to the Apple store. I was like, yeah, it's crazy.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Did you flush out?

[Dr. Bruce]

I tried to flush to get the doo doo out, but it all got stuck in there. I didn't even. I didn't fuck with it. I just went right to the Apple store.

[Dave Damashek]

We did a man show. Well, first off, toilet lids should not have a radius to them. They should have a guardrail and be fucking flat and have felt on top of them. You know, they should be like a blotter, like the top of a desk or something. Because you put the thing on it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a ski jump.

[Dave Damashek]

It happens once in a while with the beer or the drink or something where you like set it on there and like, I hope that holds. But it's not gonna. But if there's a little air in the pipe, it's definitely gonna slide off the side. There's no place to put this shit. We did a man show bit where we went over to the track, like at Hollywood park or something. We went to one of those commerce casinos or something.

[Dr. Bruce]

Funny. This is hilarious.

[Dave Damashek]

I said, what if we. We put some yellow dye in a toilet? I'm not even done. Oh, I'm sorry.

[Dr. Bruce]

Cause it's funny, babe.

[Dave Damashek]

And then we put a $20 bill in there and went after it. 100% of the guys went in after it. And then I said, wait, wait, I'm not even done, dad. Hold on.

[Dr. Bruce]

Cause it's so funny.

[Dave Damashek]

You're talking about you took a hundred dollar bill. That's good.

[Dr. Bruce]

That is funny.

[Dave Damashek]

Tony Award nominee, Peabody. But yeah, go Ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Talk about Dag.

[Dave Damashek]

Get it, Peabody.

[Allison Rosen]

I just got it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Who goes?

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, Dag, listen. Then later on we put a duke in there too. Oh God.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. I just hurt myself.

[Dave Damashek]

Put a duke. And people want in after real or fake?

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh yeah, I bet.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh yeah. No, no, Fake dookie. But they did not know that I've never walked into a bathroom stall and went, oh, come on. That's not real. Come on. That's synthesized. Someone made that. And yeah, weird talent if he could. That's prop department.

[Dr. Bruce]

One time I was dating this really hot girl.

[Dave Damashek]

Have some fun. All you need's a beer. Oh yeah. $20. Oh yeah. You take a beer and you just dump it in there. Big old fake dude. It's. It looks like peeing dookie in a toilet. And guys, who was your stylist back then?

[Dr. Bruce]

Awesome. And let's see.

[Dave Damashek]

It's gut check time for these guys now.

[Dr. Bruce]

What's Jimmy operating?

[Dave Damashek]

Guinea pig number one. He's working, he's looking at. Oh, he's got a pen. Really? Or wor.

[Dr. Bruce]

Immediately.

[Dave Damashek]

It's sad. I mean, obviously a higher percentage of these guys you find at the casino than you would find at a, you know, at a temple. He got it.

[Dr. Bruce]

He got it. The pen is mightier than the turd.

[Dave Damashek]

Like a delicious fondue.

[Dr. Bruce]

But what is Jimmy controlling?

[Dave Damashek]

He's. He's stopping and starting it. So we can, we can, we can decide on who's doing what. But yeah, everybody to a man went after that. That when I. All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Did you put doo smell in there?

[Dave Damashek]

I did not. You know what, I'm detail oriented. But even, even I missed that one.

[Dr. Bruce]

Wow, that was a funny bit. It wasn't as funny seeing it, but the way you told me, I didn't hear a lot of it. Cuz it was just that funny. Thank you, D. Naturally. Funny stuff. Thank you, D. Anyways. Hi, Victor. How you doing?

[Dave Damashek]

Hi.

[Dr. Bruce]

So, Peter, are you still engaged?

[Allison Rosen]

I am.

[Dr. Bruce]

You are. Let me see your ring. This is conflict free, you know. Hey guys. What? The only kind of conflict free wedding ring is one that you don't give a girl.

[Dave Damashek]

It's not a blood diamond.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, well that's, you know, because the com. You know, when you.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. You had a pretty good run. You had like 22 month marriage, didn't you?

[Dr. Bruce]

I did, I did. But early on, was it 19 months.

[Dave Damashek]

Or was it 20?

[Dr. Bruce]

It was like I do. Oh.

[Dave Damashek]

But was it literally. Was it 19 months?

[Dr. Bruce]

19 months. But half of that was like. We were together for like four years. Half of that was like, oh, boy, I think I made a boo boo.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? And you felt that right after you said yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

As soon as we closed the door and we were in the house, it was like, come in the bedroom.

[Dave Damashek]

Wow.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, boy. Who is this?

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like when people tack in their dating years. They go, look, we were only married for 13 months, but we were seeing each other for two years. Oh, well, totally. You know what?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, but that means a lot. I mean, it's not like totally different situation.

[Dave Damashek]

Not a failure.

[Dr. Bruce]

We were never in the same. Same city or in the same speed.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, no, but still it's different.

[Allison Rosen]

Was that your first time living together after you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Two weeks before my daughter was born. It started with the color of the bedroom. Because I'm a dude, you know, she wanted a certain color. I think it was Tiffany blue. And I was like, yeah, okay, whatever. I went to Home Depot. I was like, give me some blue.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, yeah. It was like.

[Dr. Bruce]

Which was the first? I was like, it's kind of the same.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what color blue did you get?

[Dr. Bruce]

It was not Tiffany blue.

[Dave Damashek]

Divorce.

[Dr. Bruce]

Exactly. Call my lawyer blue slip, my wrist blue. You know, but anyway, it was like that where I was like, I was just a guy, you know, it's like, big deal. I mean, it's close, right? I painted the room.

[Dave Damashek]

Is she, has she gotten on?

[Dr. Bruce]

She's fabulous. She's remarried.

[Dave Damashek]

She's remarried. That's awesome.

[Dr. Bruce]

Which makes me happy.

[Dave Damashek]

Why?

[Dr. Bruce]

Because we never argue. It's the best. What's better than I drop my daughter off and I go, see you next week, honey. And I'm free. I'm free.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm going to Addison. Yes. Four of the worst days of my life.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes, four. I'm gonna sit and watch TV all day.

[Dave Damashek]

What is the, what's the routine like? You'll do the two shows, get back to the room. I do like the show. And then what do you do the next day? You go to a matinee alone.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, I don't, I don't. Because the last time I was in Tampa, I just really should. But anyway, I was in the city. No, a couple of the other comics were like, hey, we're going to see the new whatever movie at 1 o'. Clock. I was like, 1pm O. I don't know. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a little early for you.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, I don't, I don't, I don't want to around with the other comics.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, but you have the whole day there.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, but I, I, I chill out, lie in bed, have some fucking breakfast in bed. This little tv. Ideally, it should be something like. Like, this weekend is going to be awesome because it's Wimbledon. Any sporting event, I will get over invested.

[Dave Damashek]

Did you see that? Sharapova's gonna blow it. What are you doing?

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm really. I get really invested, especially one on one sports.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

See, I will watch every tennis match, be tweeting about it, just be totally engrossed. That's heaven to me.

[Dave Damashek]

I find, unfortunately, it's much easier at 2 in the afternoon to go. I could go for a cold one about now or a glass of wine. Like, I would never do that at home on a Friday at 2 in the afternoon. But when you're on the road, you're like, glass of wine would certainly help this tennis match quite a bit. And that's why you see, and you hear about all these guys and their habits, and then when you hear these stories, like Artie Lang going on the road, you're like, are you kidding me? How that ever gonna. How is that ever gonna work out any other way than the way.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's the same for touring bands, because I was in Vegas.

[Dr. Bruce]

I was in Vegas and I was like, can I get a Heineken? Usually if I'm feeling great, I'll have a Heineken or two within the night. That's my crazy night. Have a martini at the end and I go back to the hotel or whatever. I'm done with strip clubs. I can pretty much say that now. I did whatever the allure was. I'm over it. Yeah, I'm just like, you know, whatever.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, so me too. Although I'm hoping for a renaissance.

[Dr. Bruce]

I am. But I don't feel, you know. And I have stripper friends, too, in Dallas. I have a lot of friends, you know, banging us. Anyway, so I asked for a Heineken, and the dude was like, oh, we can't serve the Axe alcohol. And I was like, what?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

I said, what happened when you. When you paid. When it was run by gangsters, right? You paid Axe in chips, right? You extended credit lines to get them ensnared in your nets. And you go, oh, no, you're not allowed to drink. I was like, that's why I'm here. What the fuck is wrong with you? He said, you can go out. Meaning me. I was like, do you really think that for the, you know, two hours I'm here at this shitty club or in this room, you're gonna say, no drinking here? It's Vegas. What do you think people are doing for the other 23 hours of the day? They're getting shit faced.

[Dave Damashek]

There's weird rules in certain places where, like, you can't go out on stage with a beer, although they're serving beer in the place. And they just make these fucking blanket rules because Sam Kinison tried to light the place on fire in 1987. And so somebody just went, no more. And thus, you can't. Thus, when Ira Glass goes there, oh, he's fucking slapped for everybody because he's a fucking wild man.

[Dr. Bruce]

But inward this, inward that.

[Dave Damashek]

No, the whole. The whole Michael Richards things was nothing compared to what Ira Glass did. All right, let's get some. Some news ready. Unless. Unless I told the guys to get me the ingredients to monster energy drink.

[Dr. Bruce]

What is that?

[Dave Damashek]

It's an energy drink.

[Dr. Bruce]

I know, but do people still drink those?

[Dave Damashek]

I think.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hasn't the veil been lifted on energy drinks?

[Dave Damashek]

Mostly it turns douchebags into turbocharged douchebags.

[Dr. Bruce]

I know, but it's.

[Allison Rosen]

They need that.

[Dr. Bruce]

No caffeine, all herbs and vegetable products. And you will stay up for 24 hours.

[Dave Damashek]

I thought, you know, one of my favorite things Dag does is yell from the front porch.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, but, you know, here's grandmama. Two of my followers have asked me not to do anything I've done before, so.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, but this one we haven't done in a while. Fuck those two. Yeah, and one of them was me.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm really.

[Dave Damashek]

And I was pretty drunk.

[Dr. Bruce]

I can't participate in this.

[Allison Rosen]

This is totally different, though.

[Dave Damashek]

This is ingredients to mono.

[Allison Rosen]

Something new and different.

[Dave Damashek]

Take a look. Just take a look. I'll tell everyone about stamps.com?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, this is not.

[Dave Damashek]

No matter where you run your business, a traditional office or at home doesn't matter. Guys, turn off mailing, shipping from your own computer. It's all easily done. With stamps.com.

[Dr. Bruce]

Sign of mine.

[Dave Damashek]

All the services of the post office right at your fingertips. You can buy and print official US postage for any letter, package or class. Mail, stamps.com even send you a digital scale automatically calculates the exact postage. You don't pay a penny more. Go to stamps.com $110 bonus offer. You get the digital scale 55 bucks free postage only. If you enter AdamStamps.com go to stamps.com now click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in AdamStamps.com Speaking of stamps, when was the.

[Dr. Bruce]

Last time you went to a post office? Why aren't they.

[Dave Damashek]

We use stamps Dot com. We don't need. We use stamps. Dot com.

[Dr. Bruce]

Why are post offices even here?

[Dave Damashek]

I don't know, but there's two dudes I can't hang with that have to do with the post office. And again, don't know why you want to make this proclamation in front of humanity where somebody goes, they've raised the price of this stamp from 45 cents to 47 cents. And someone's like, this is a fucking outrage. Like that guy. Like, okay, cheapest human being on the planet. First off, it sounds like the most value you'll ever get in your life. Yeah, right, right. And yeah, you want. The fixed part is you need to fix your fucking income. That's your fixed income. The other part is the guy who's like, what? They want to only have the post office Monday through Thursday. What about. And it's like, pay me a scenario. Whether your life. First off, just plan on Monday through Thursday. And then secondly, your life's going to be significantly impacted because you can't go on a Saturday or Friday. Like, what the fuck is going on?

[Dr. Bruce]

Have you ever gone to an unemployment office back in the day? Yeah, I was. When I was on unemployment, I would wait till I needed the money. So it was. I wouldn't go weekly. When I was, like, in New York just starting out, I would go like every three months or something. Wait till everything piled up because it was the most depressing, degrading.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Horrible. Just a smell.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. And you always waited three hours.

[Dave Damashek]

Excuse me, smell of. The smell of.

[Dr. Bruce]

Which ended that. Come out of black. I mean. Oops, I said black.

[Dave Damashek]

Teresa. Fake Teresa. Do you. You got a monster energy drink.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, I don't want to do that. Has that ever happened to you? Fake Teresa the vaginal.

[Allison Rosen]

Of course.

[Dave Damashek]

Let's not. Let's.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's not.

[Dr. Bruce]

All of a sudden, all of a sudden, this is it. The shit that you talk about all day.

[Allison Rosen]

This is a line too far.

[Dr. Bruce]

Wow, you're really throwing down the gauntlet.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. There will be no talk of queefs here.

[Dr. Bruce]

Can I say, when I asked you about Queefman, one of your asses kind of lifted up and you went.

[Dave Damashek]

Like.

[Dr. Bruce]

You were like. You were trying to cut one.

[Allison Rosen]

You're like, no, no, no. You know why you're wrong? Because I have made the point before. I don't need to lift a cheek. I can just send it straight into the chair. I'm not like one of these weak people.

[Dr. Bruce]

I understand. It's not like the fire can't get.

[Dave Damashek]

Out you know, we've been stuck here for hours. She won't move her ass.

[Allison Rosen]

There are people who claim they have to lift.

[Dr. Bruce]

Who are those people? Maybe a man you're about to marry.

[Allison Rosen]

No, my mom.

[Dave Damashek]

If you guys. If you guys had the. Happened to me. I like the lift. I don't have to lift. It's happened to me now two times in about two months. The outdoor fart that stayed with me for a long distance, that was very noticeable, that I brushed off as well. We're outdoors, we got a little wind blowing and there's nobody. I had it happen on Sunday. I was walking.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you check the direction of the wind first?

[Dave Damashek]

No, it was just one of these things where I was in this environment that's perfect for farting, which is.

[Dr. Bruce]

What would that be?

[Dave Damashek]

Infield. I was in a racetrack. I was the infield of a racetrack. He's good.

[Dr. Bruce]

Whatever your name is. Paul, Brian, Tommy, you are the goods. Look at. Hold on.

[Dave Damashek]

We've known each other for years.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't know who the fuck you are, but you're a piece of. You're an ingot of gold.

[Dave Damashek]

What?

[Dr. Bruce]

This man. What is his name again?

[Dave Damashek]

Bald Brian.

[Dr. Bruce]

Reggie just made a goose egg made of solid gold comedy. Yeah, that's what you need. Turn his mic up. Turn mine down. Don't know who he is. Get a wig. You're going far. You have an agent?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I feel I should get one now.

[Dave Damashek]

Can you.

[Dr. Bruce]

You're going to have one by. When does this air?

[Dave Damashek]

It's going to air today as people listen.

[Dr. Bruce]

Bald Tony's going to have his own show.

[Dave Damashek]

All right. Should we do some news?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes. How about what is in the news today?

[Dave Damashek]

I want to find out what's in.

[Dr. Bruce]

What do you guys think about this Snowden dude?

[Dave Damashek]

I can't figure it out.

[Dr. Bruce]

They sound him out, right? Fake Teresa. Fake Teresa.

[Dave Damashek]

When it's time to wrap it up.

[Allison Rosen]

She'Ll sign it off.

[Dr. Bruce]

She always look like Fake Teresa. Fake Teresa.

[Allison Rosen]

Morticia or mortician?

[Dr. Bruce]

Morticia.

[Dave Damashek]

Morticia. Oh, I know, I know. That's what I thought. Really?

[Dr. Bruce]

Was that like the queefing and mortician? It was like, you bastard. Did you say mortician? Because I'll scratch your eyes off.

[Allison Rosen]

I love you, Dag.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, you look like you were really angry in that moment.

[Allison Rosen]

That's just my face. So did you see the video of this Wallenda, Nick Wallenda, of the famous Wallenda's walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and thanking the Lord the entire time. It Was windy would be the time.

[Dave Damashek]

To thank the Lord. Is.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, no safety wire.

[Dave Damashek]

He wasn't dragging the harness this time.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Dr. Bruce]

I got a problem.

[Dave Damashek]

Him.

[Dr. Bruce]

Nobody's commented.

[Dave Damashek]

Look what he's wearing when he.

[Dr. Bruce]

Am I old fashioned? He's wearing. He's wearing a T shirt and blue jeans. What happened to a Vegas outfit?

[Dave Damashek]

If this is any time he's supposed.

[Dr. Bruce]

To have an evil Knievel, he's keeping it too real.

[Dave Damashek]

Evil would have been like, which sweatpants should I wear to jump the Snake river can? He's like red, white and blue leather flares out. Chad. Fringe flying in the wind. Yeah, the whole boots. Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

He's not gonna be wearing just jeans and a T shirt. Man, this.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, you're right. I agree. You know, the craziest thing, it is weird, but, you know, his grandfather died in Puerto Rico or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Great grandfather.

[Dave Damashek]

Wait, did you set that up?

[Dr. Bruce]

Wasn't there one? When they used to get on there together, they all fell. I mean, they had. They all fell.

[Dave Damashek]

They do a whole thing where they all got on chairs and a bicycle and everything would just give way. But the thing that was always so weird. And it is weird how we're wired. Wired. It's a good one. He was.

[Dr. Bruce]

There he goes again.

[Dave Damashek]

That's him. He's away.

[Dr. Bruce]

Sir, whatever your name is, tap in, please.

[Dave Damashek]

Adam, he knows you're talking about.

[Dr. Bruce]

You are the president of humor. Thank you. In my little black book. Thank you.

[Dave Damashek]

I did say wire. I mean, he just kind of repeated.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's not funny when you say it. Okay, sir, what is your name?

[Adam Carolla]

Brian.

[Dr. Bruce]

Say the.

[Dave Damashek]

Say the word bald Brian.

[Dr. Bruce]

Say the word wire.

[Dave Damashek]

Wire.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the delivery. I don't know.

[Dave Damashek]

Anyone can say wire.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hold on.

[Dave Damashek]

Say that again. Wire.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone can say wire.

[Dave Damashek]

Let me say. He just digs into it and he cracks the. But here's what I'm saying. Hold on. I said it first. I said it first. But I said it first. First I want to say it.

[Brian Posayn]

Adam's going to say.

[Dave Damashek]

You'll hear the difference. Okay, go ahead. I said it first and I'm a comedian. Say it right now. Come on. Wire.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, it doesn't. I don't think it's.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, well, you know what? Cuz I laughed and I kind of stepped on it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, let's just wire.

[Dave Damashek]

All right. Hold on. No, no, no, no. I'm trying too hard. I'm kind of up in my head now. You know, like when you're on a date and you get nervous and you start talking too much? I'LL do me, Me. I'll be me. Wire. I said it. Did you hear me?

[Dr. Bruce]

I, I. I heard you, Wire.

[Dave Damashek]

He said it the same way I said it.

[Dr. Bruce]

I gotta throw my headphones down because the guy's killing me.

[Adam Carolla]

Just the I into the re.

[Dave Damashek]

I mean, but you started the same with the W, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, it's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Ted Williams wasn't a good baseball hitting coach.

[Dave Damashek]

He. He's just a natural hitter.

[Dr. Bruce]

He knew it in his body.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, my God. Yeah. You can't explain it. Let me just try.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, boy.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm gonna just.

[Dr. Bruce]

Some guys have it.

[Dave Damashek]

Can I say this? Dag. When I do voiceover work, we'll lay down three in a row.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

You know what I mean? So I'll give you some variety, you know what I mean? Okay, the first one's not funny. The second one's gonna be.

[Dr. Bruce]

Just give me three of your own.

[Dave Damashek]

Wire. Wire. Wire.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right, we got you. How about.

[Dave Damashek]

I thought the middle one is.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, they're all pretty good.

[Dave Damashek]

Brian Dawson, you got those wires, three choices.

[Dr. Bruce]

Go ahead.

[Dave Damashek]

Wire.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you even want me to do another one?

[Dave Damashek]

I think my middle one was small. I'm sorry. And you say.

[Dr. Bruce]

Can you say it again? You can't tell that.

[Dave Damashek]

You want me to say it again? Not you. Not you. You want me to say it. Like I said, the middle one. Come on.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I need it clean.

[Dave Damashek]

Wire. Wire. Wire.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's not funny.

[Dave Damashek]

I thought I could keep some of his laughter. I thought I could, like, piggyback my wire onto his wire.

[Dr. Bruce]

Excuse me.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't know what you've got, but I want a pound of it.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, thank you.

[Dr. Bruce]

That man's gold.

[Dave Damashek]

Let's just move on, okay?

[Dr. Bruce]

All right. Good try, Adam.

[Dave Damashek]

I know, you know, people think I'm funny. Well, you know, Univers, I think it's under.

[Dr. Bruce]

Let's just.

[Dave Damashek]

Let's just move on. A man's act is not. Not made from repeating the same word. That. Oh, really, steel thread, that is.

[Dr. Bruce]

Why don't we bring Teddy Pendergrass out and have him sing it?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, I said it, man. Not funny. I wasn't gonna.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not doing that bit.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, you know, that's, That's. No, I, I. You know, we're gonna have you do that.

[Allison Rosen]

We're gonna have you do the one with the monster energy.

[Dr. Bruce]

We're not doing that. We're just talking. Okay?

[Dave Damashek]

I'm not.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not some. I'm not some.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, all right, whatever. But maybe if we found a good Sound.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, you don't. Because, you know, you're just. Whatever. I don't want to. Thank you.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm here. What I was saying about his great grandfather who died in Rio de Janeiro or wherever the hell he was, Puerto Rico. He started to fall off the wire, so he sort of almost started to kneel down on it to sort of grab it. He crouched, but not with a lot of gusto.

[Dr. Bruce]

Not like, do they have a film of it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, yeah. He died on camera. It wasn't a young Adam Carolla was there. And these are my recollections. No, no, it was on tv. But he didn't make a strong. Like a. You are going to die. He gave an effort. Like, he was over foam pit. Like, you know, there's an effort you think you're going to make if you're going to die.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, like, we don't make that.

[Dave Damashek]

We don't really make that effort. We have, like, the same effort when we're practicing over the foam pit as we do when we're gonna land eight stories on the street. I know.

[Dr. Bruce]

Have you ever heard the voice recording of a pilot when the planes. Really?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Oh, no.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's usually like, all right, we're probably not gonna make it. I mean, it's not.

[Dave Damashek]

That's. That's the part where movies sort of get it wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

There we are.

[Allison Rosen]

Kind of shut down, maybe.

[Dave Damashek]

But that's just my theory that when it's a cold morning and you get up and you get out of bed and your little toe and you kick the bed frame, the cold metal bed frame, with your little toe, every bit as painful as someone taking a machete and taking your arm off. More like. More.

[Dr. Bruce]

I had a bed just on the metal bed frame. Like you said, the little foot. Here's what I did. I jammed that flesh between my big toe and the other toe, the little web part. It went in there and jammed right in that. Oh, God.

[Allison Rosen]

You stubbed your web.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, gosh. I always thought the webbed feet, but now I know.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, gosh.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. No, that's brutal. But I'm saying, taking that. That little pinky toe and mashing it up, putting its head up its own ass. You know that move with the little pinky toe? All right, for that moment, if I shot you, if I just shot you in the chest, your pain would be exactly the same. For that moment now, the recovery would be different. Know what I'm saying?

[Dr. Bruce]

How about a toothache? Have you ever had, like. That was a hard one. One time I Went to the dentist and I had to have a root canal. The root canal is fine. It's what happened before.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.

[Dave Damashek]

It's hurting my ass.

[Dr. Bruce]

I ate sushi and I called my dentist. I was like, I need heroin because.

[Allison Rosen]

Was it like shooting up the side of your face?

[Dave Damashek]

I've had the thing, but I've had a fucking argument with the dentist all the time. I go, give me the gas. You don't need the gas. Give me the gas. And then they do this one. I had a nine year old little girl come in here for an extraction. Like, I don't give a fuck who you're dealing with over here. Do you have nitrous or do you not have nitrous like we do? Well, then wheel it out, baby. Why are you trying to shame me too? It's a weird thing where it's like, you don't really need. It's like, I don't need it. I've told you. Here's how I would prefer to do this. I want a dentist where I don't ever communicate with the dentist. All that ever happens is I'm just sitting at dinner and I feel like, ow, what's that on my neck? And then my head just goes down. And then I wake up the next day and I'm in bed. I'm like, why do I have cotton in my mouth? And my wife's like, we got your wisdom teeth pulled. And I was like, what?

[Dr. Bruce]

Have you had your wisdom teeth? Yeah, okay, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. But there's one wisdom tooth the dentist gets in there. He had his knee on my chest.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, really?

[Dr. Bruce]

When he's pulling out with the pliers, it sounded like a rusty car door.

[Dave Damashek]

It was like. And he's like, now, Marc, it's impacted. We got it.

[Dr. Bruce]

This is surgical. I was like, it's not physical. It's not surgical. He kept pulling. He was like, I can't get it out.

[Dave Damashek]

Get back to doing Peanut, you're hurting me.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's not surgical.

[Dave Damashek]

Peanut. Where's Peanut? Where's Peanut? He pulled it out.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hello.

[Dave Damashek]

Hi.

[Dr. Bruce]

Pulled it out. And, dude, I cannot tell you.

[Dave Damashek]

Listen, okay, please don't no more. All right, next story.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so Jim Carrey is condemning kick ass 2. That's he's a movie that he's in. He's denouncing it, saying he can't be on board. He had a change of heart, and he's not on board with the violence in the film. But why Ever since Sandy Hook.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Is. He saw Kick Ass one? He's crazy, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, Jim is great. I mean, listen, if that's the way he feels, that's the way he feels. I mean, when I first. When I first heard the headline, I was more titillated. I thought, like, I can't be on board because it's a shitty movie.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, I like that idea.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. But he's not saying that. He's saying that it was over the top with the violence. And, you know, I. I can't condone that. I respect that.

[Dave Damashek]

All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

It seems like a worthy.

[Dave Damashek]

You know, I see a blowhard. What's up with him?

[Dr. Bruce]

He's just a quiet genius.

[Dave Damashek]

Really?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes. Who never uses the N word.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay. I lost all respect for him. So is. Is. Is he. Were you guys tight when you did Living Color?

[Dr. Bruce]

Such a beautiful man.

[Dave Damashek]

He's a good guy.

[Dr. Bruce]

He's great. He's awesome.

[Dave Damashek]

All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Really nice. Why?

[Dave Damashek]

I just feel there's something weird about him.

[Dr. Bruce]

He's no Snowden. That guy's weird.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, I agree. Who's weirder, Jim Carrey or Mike Myers?

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't know Mike Myers. I don't. You know, I. I'm acquainted with a lot of people. Quainted, meaning.

[Dave Damashek]

Hey, man.

[Dr. Bruce]

How are you, sir? Yeah, good to see you. Which table are you at? I'm right across the room. Okay, well, I'll see in two years. That's acquaint. I don't. I don't really know. I don't know Mike Myers. I've heard stories, but I don't know. I don't know know him. So.

[Dave Damashek]

No. Find out who the weirdest comedian is.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, I think we know. Right?

[Dave Damashek]

Eddie Murphy up there. Oh, yeah. No, Eddie.

[Dr. Bruce]

Eddie was cool when I worked with him. He was great. I mean, he was so generous. He was responsible for all the stuff that happened in Boomerang. I mean, the funniest scene that I was in was because he gave it to me. It was not written. He said, do this.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, but now he's nuttier, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't hang out with.

[Dave Damashek]

With him now, okay?

[Dr. Bruce]

Since the whole incident.

[Dave Damashek]

Dangerfield was always weird and sort of a douche. But everyone, Everybody reveres him and credits him for their success.

[Adam Carolla]

You know who may have taken that mantle? Steve Martin doesn't get enough credit for being quietly strange.

[Dave Damashek]

But again, like, it's the genius thing.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, he's really nice. I mean, when I've hung out with him, he's. It's not like we. I Was like, steve, I'm coming over, dog. We gonna be weird. But he was a really nice, open guy, and he was cool for the, you know, the times I met. Who's the. Who's the. Who's the weirdest dude you ever worked with or, you know, famous person.

[Dave Damashek]

You're up there.

[Dr. Bruce]

I am not. I'm so cool.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm not. Well, who's the.

[Dr. Bruce]

Like, you know, you said, is he weird? Who's the weirdest comic? Let's just say comic, and then we'll.

[Dave Damashek]

Divide it into actors. Well, Ray Romano's going nuts now.

[Dr. Bruce]

Why is he going nuts? He's got $50 billion.

[Dave Damashek]

I know, but you're just thinking. You're just thinking. If you were not economics here, I'd.

[Dr. Bruce]

Have you in brightly colored clothes.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm sorry. He is a super neurotic guy who is not containing himself. Like, let's say Howie Mandel is containing himself.

[Dr. Bruce]

You see, Howie Mandel, to me, is healthy because, number one, he talks about it.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

He acknowledges it.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

And he tries to live and work through it. To me, that's healthier than when you just like Howard Hughes and.

[Dave Damashek]

No, but. But he still has as many, many idiosyncratic behaviors as any human being on the planet. Yeah, but he's the nicest guy in the world.

[Dr. Bruce]

But at least he's saying, I know, I'm crazy. That's half the battle. I'm trying to work through it. I know, I know, I know. But I'm gonna try and work through. Through this.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

What does Ray Romano do that's so crazy?

[Dave Damashek]

He is kind of, by his own admission, is like one of these guys. Yeah. Mind bets. He does a lot of these, like, mind bets. And a lot of this. It's quirky, idiosyncratic, sort of just, if I don't sink this putt, then I have to go run around that oak tree five times and then sink the putt again. Like there's like a lot of.

[Allison Rosen]

Or like, if he doesn't do something, he can't play golf. Yeah. Yes.

[Dave Damashek]

Right, right. Yeah, yeah. And the problem is, is money doesn't help that. Money facilitates that. Because when you got to go to work at a cannery, you just don't have time for that bullshit, you know? No, mine bets trillion dollars.

[Dr. Bruce]

Like he has a bunch of money now so he can run around for palm trees.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, but the problem is, is you don't need a lot of downtime so your brain can turn on itself.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right.

[Dave Damashek]

You need to stay busy.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, maybe I made Okay, I did. I'm going to be honest with you. The last three days, I've made about a half a gallon of mustard.

[Dave Damashek]

Really? In your underpants?

[Dr. Bruce]

It was from my cooking blog. I haven't posted yet, but I started making it. Then I started buying these mustard seeds. Then I started doing more research. It was like, I have to get the black mustard seeds. If you want the. Really the hottest. It's the Chinese hot mustard seeds. I got to get those. And then I would order these and do more and more. We. You have to do the rustic grind. Your own. The smooth paste version. So maybe some people would call that.

[Dave Damashek]

Crazy, but I call it meticulous, dedicated chocolate glutton. By the way, dot com is where you go. No, that's all right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Some people.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, did you stop bathing?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, you gotta wash it. Because my whole thing is like, what happens if I have a massive coronary. David Allen Creary was found dead and his ass was wrong. I don't want that.

[Dave Damashek]

You know, they might leave that out.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, they won't. No, they won't.

[Dave Damashek]

Today talking about how bad your balls smell. Oh, yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

If you fell out by yourself, first thing they gonna do is check the computer. First thing they're gonna do, they're gonna check the computer. Cell phone mail, emails. That's just rote.

[Dave Damashek]

No, I've always said in the day. Remember when David Carradine Kung Fu died a few years ago? I said, if that would have happened in the 60s, they would have taken him out of the closet. He was nude in a closet with, you know.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, paint the picture. So people that don't know. Was he dressed in women's clothes?

[Dave Damashek]

He was partially. It was. We should get the story because I don't want to screw it up that much, but there was some lamp cord around his neck and dressed in some bloomers and, you know, dork out. And they just came up and they're like. Like, that's where we found Cain from Kung Fu. And I always said back in the day, they would have found him that way. Somebody would have put him in a red, white, and blue gi. They would have laid him down on the bed, put some nunchucks in his hands and said, that's the way he was when I came into the room. Yeah, that's like, literally died doing a kata. No, no. Dick out. Phone cord around neck. Like, that's where we're at now.

[Dr. Bruce]

Wait, wait.

[Dave Damashek]

And by the way, if his dick wasn't out, we'll pull it out. That's why it starts Sucking.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. That's why I've never been to prostitute any of that crazy shit.

[Dave Damashek]

Because you haven't come over to the house. Oh, I get you. Oh, yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

The chicks who. They called them Anthony Weiner's victims. Now, these were women who knew the motherfucker was a politician, knew he was married, grown ass women who willingly sent him pictures of their button naked ass bodies. Now, these women, a couple of them were in the newspaper. Like, I'm still trying to live through the deceit. I was a victim, right? It's like, bitch, no, you weren't. No, you weren't. I do you know what I'm saying? She said, he started by sending a picture of himself in his drawers with his dick hard. Now right there, you say, delete.

[Dave Damashek]

No, no.

[Dr. Bruce]

But you say, no.

[Dave Damashek]

I mean, that's the other thing, too. They go, I was so traumatized by the picture of his engorged penis that I was confused, so I took a picture of my pussy and sent it back. It's like with that whipped.

[Dr. Bruce]

Traumatized with a peach in it.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. That's not what made me do it. Yeah, you putting a feather duster up your snatch and sending a picture of that back is not what you do when you're offended and traumatized.

[Allison Rosen]

Handle first.

[Dave Damashek]

And then people go, you never know how you'd react. And I always go, no, I do. I do. I would not take a picture of my junk and send it back.

[Dr. Bruce]

I wouldn't even take a dick pic. Because I'm thinking, well, what if my toe gets in there? What if somebody saw dick connected with. Well, that's David's toe. Cause it has a knob on the end, right?

[Dave Damashek]

Or Tommy Davidson sees the dick pic and goes, oh, shit. I recognize that shit in my sleep. Oh, nobody feels.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, you can't get away with shit now. You cannot get away with a goddamn thing. No, people cannot.

[Dave Damashek]

Wait. No.

[Dr. Bruce]

All the hookers Charlie Sheen was with, all those bitches, Listen, even they started like, I'm a hoe, okay? I sold pussy and I'm a junkie. But he's crazy.

[Dave Damashek]

I heard a woman on the radio.

[Dr. Bruce]

On Howard Stern talking to. I'm like, what in the fuck has happened to us?

[Dave Damashek]

Well, shame is a glue that holds society together and does a pretty nice job, as I always say.

[Dr. Bruce]

Barrel pen. Because I want to write.

[Dave Damashek]

Write this down.

[Dr. Bruce]

Can you say that again, please?

[Dave Damashek]

Shame.

[Dr. Bruce]

How you spell that? S. Hold on. It's not writing. Keep talking.

[Dave Damashek]

I'll catch up. Shame.

[Dr. Bruce]

Start again, please.

[Dave Damashek]

Shame. Shame.

[Dr. Bruce]

Go ahead. I don't Want to.

[Dave Damashek]

It's the guard rail.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hold on. Are you saying shame is the guardrail?

[Dave Damashek]

Is the guardrail. Is. Is.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't want to just keep talking.

[Dave Damashek]

Shame is the guardrail. Shame is the guardrail on the windy. Is it a r. Rain slicking.

[Dr. Bruce]

Is that correct, though? Is it rain slick? Rain slicked.

[Dave Damashek]

Slicking.

[Dr. Bruce]

Rain slick.

[Dave Damashek]

Slickered.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay. Rain, rain, slicker.

[Dave Damashek]

Shame is the guardrail on the rain slick.

[Dr. Bruce]

What?

[Dave Damashek]

On the rain slick highway.

[Dr. Bruce]

See, I wouldn't have said that.

[Dave Damashek]

Byway.

[Dr. Bruce]

Go ahead. Okay.

[Dave Damashek]

By way. Roadway.

[Dr. Bruce]

No. Bye bye.

[Dave Damashek]

By way.

[Dr. Bruce]

By way.

[Dave Damashek]

By way of life.

[Dr. Bruce]

Of life. Are you happy with that?

[Dave Damashek]

In life, journey near life.

[Dr. Bruce]

Life's journey.

[Dave Damashek]

Shame is the guardrail.

[Dr. Bruce]

I like guilt. Cause, you know, guilt is like.

[Dave Damashek]

Shame is the guilt rail.

[Dr. Bruce]

There you go. Keep going. Keep going.

[Dave Damashek]

Shame is the guilt rail. Yes. Yes. On the slick, windy. Yes. Yes. Weather beaten.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm about to bust a nut.

[Dave Damashek]

Come on. Snow covered. Yes. Sleet installed. Windy road, highway and byway of life.

[Dr. Bruce]

You are a poet.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, shit.

[Dr. Bruce]

Don't touch me, bitch. Don't touch me, bitch.

[Dave Damashek]

And we got rid of shame. And it's on now.

[Dr. Bruce]

Is it?

[Dave Damashek]

It's on. It's on. It is. Just fuck it. No. It used to be I'm gonna bang you and your friend and you're not gonna let my wife gonna find out because whole town's gonna find out you're a whore. And then now it's like, fuck it. I'm going on stern and talking about it.

[Dr. Bruce]

I can't wait.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, can't wait. Used to work, don't work anymore. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, you missed the days where you could bang someone and her friend and your wife wouldn't find out because of shame.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm married. I'm not married.

[Dave Damashek]

But yes, yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

Just some decorum. I mean, he's took it to an extreme, but to be serious for a minute, this. Like I said before, you're consenting adults. Okay? You do something stupid, don't repaint yourself as a victim. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

She's been drinking heavily ever since.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yes. What she was doing before.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you know.

[Dr. Bruce]

You know what I'm talking about.

[Dave Damashek]

Not only that, I. I go home and read Twitters that just. Or tweets that just say, hey, I just saw my buddy Ace Carolla in the elevator or standing in line at the wherever, whatever. And it's like, that's fine, I don't care. But if I told my wife I'm going to work or something, and then I'm somewhere else, they'll report on you and where they saw you and what time. And there's a picture of the back of your head standing in the line so, you know, I don't have to deal with it like Brad Pitt. But he can't go out anywhere without Angelina Jolie knowing. If he wanted to get her a surprise gift, he could not go do it himself because someone would be at the jeweler and take a picture of him and put it up on the tweetosphere.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, this dude was. This dude was filming me on his cell phone when I was going to the post office last year. The last time I went, should add stamps dot com. But I'm like, really? Yeah, there's gotta be someone more famous. And it was just me.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, there is.

[Dr. Bruce]

There was no. But it was no drama. It was just me. I went to mail this thing, buy some stamps at the outdoor thing, got in my car, drove away, and it was as if I was. Did you say anything butt naked? No, but I didn't engage at all. Because once you're. Once you're being videotaped, you can't say anything, especially nothing snarky, because then that just. You've just made right. You can't be. You happy now, motherfucker? Star goes crazy, right?

[Dave Damashek]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Where was Peanut? He. Guess he didn't want to make us laugh that day.

[Dave Damashek]

Fuck you and your bullshit ass camera.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, they love that, you know, but yeah, you just have to just go dead. That's what I call it. You just act like, you know, whatever.

[Dave Damashek]

DraftKings, baby.

[Dr. Bruce]

David was all dead and his ass was raw. It's true.

[Dave Damashek]

DraftKings.com you want to play a little rotisserie ball? You want to get a little baseball going? You want a little football season coming up? DraftKings.com. you pick a team in minutes, you win big. Cash, you play against your friends. Ball. Brian, how you doing in the cash department?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm actually doing DraftKings right now as we speak. I'm in 41st place out of 70.

[Dave Damashek]

Teams, so it's not too peril.

[Dr. Bruce]

Come on, mister. Slow it down and let me enjoy, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

If I move up just 20 spots.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm in the money, so let's hope that happens.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, let me tell you, cutie pie.

[Dave Damashek]

He'S going to be in the money. Money. Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

The first go round.

[Adam Carolla]

If Buster Posey goes yard today, I'm in the money.

[Dr. Bruce]

You keep talking.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, Dawson, you start talking, my friend. Enter the promo code Adam and double your deposit. That's dollar for dollar. Double what you put in when you enter the promo code. [e-mail] where your love of sports can win you cash today. That's DraftKings.com all right.

[Dr. Bruce]

That was. You didn't tell me. The weirdest dude. The craziest. There's. There gotta be crazier.

[Dave Damashek]

I fortunately have not worked with a lot of lunatics.

[Dr. Bruce]

Anybody.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, but he was. He is a pro wrestler. Do you know what I'm saying? He has a Persona.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, but what was he like?

[Dave Damashek]

That's him.

[Dr. Bruce]

What was he really like?

[Dave Damashek]

He normally is a sort of thoughtful, sweet, regular guy, but puts on a sort of pro wrestling. Well, it's pretty simple. It's an interesting psychological experiment. Danny worked a lot as a kid, and then he stopped working. Now, I think you're gonna find this interesting. No, no, listen. And then people started. I'm just gonna finish. Whoa. You don't give a shit. I'm gonna finish.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm just gonna finish.

[Dave Damashek]

People found his stories.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't care if you laugh.

[Dave Damashek]

People found his stories interesting. His stories of woe. Keaton keeps gnarling. His stories of woe were interesting. His stories where he couldn't say woe to the drugs.

[Dr. Bruce]

His real shit was interesting, but he would just make stuff up. Like at a certain point, I didn't believe anything he was saying.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, because he realized that this is his new stardom, is tell all childhood actor. Not while every other childhood actor. Remember back in the day, it was always, oh, no, I was never with those hookers. I never did any of that cocaine. These are all just stories and hearsay.

[Dr. Bruce]

People fucked on orangutan.

[Dave Damashek]

That's right. He'd jump into it and then everyone. Next thing you know, he's doing every talk show in the country. And everyone else woke up, by the way. Then next thing you know, you have Marcia Brady writing a book about my coke filled years living in Hollywood. It's like, really? It was. So Maureen McCormick came on my show. She's a couple years older than I am, and she's like, oh, yeah, the whole. I barely remember the 80s, all the Coke I did. And all because somebody says, look, you want to write a book, you got to tell a story about being diddled. They're doing coke. Like something that's super against type. So we can sell being diddled while you're doing coke. Hopefully. Because editors like, look, look, no one wants to read a book about Marcia Brady 30 years on. We need something to work with, right? So she came on the show and she's like, oh, I was running with a Hollywood crowd, hanging up in the hills, doing tons of coke. And I was like, it's a good thing you didn't get caught up in that whole Wonderland murder thing. And she's like, huh? Wonderland, huh? John Holmes, who? I was like, oh, you're in deep, baby. It's like, first off, she goes, I want to. She'd never heard of John Holmes, and.

[Dr. Bruce]

She'D never heard of the Wonderland with men. Just. So give me coke, you know?

[Dave Damashek]

It's got to be the worst.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's called a date.

[Dave Damashek]

It's got to be the worst.

[Dr. Bruce]

The worst part is wrong with you.

[Dave Damashek]

Worst part is those chicks. Husband. Who's the. Who's the accountant now, you know? And she's got to write the book. And it's like, I can't just write a book about what a prankster Sam the Butcher was on the set. Like, I need something about. I need one that says, laith Garrett dropped a digit on me when I was 14 or something. They need something in this book. And then you have to sort of manufacture something or dig something or do that one rail you did and turn it into years of doing cocaine and having sex with strangers. And it's like, the poor fucking guy's married to you now with the three teenagers. Like, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Just to sell a couple hundred copies.

[Dr. Bruce]

Leave Garrett, man. Or life. Like, he's told you everything, right? How he was a junkie. He did all kind of crazy, but the one thing he doesn't want the world to know is that he's bald.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Still. We still wear the bandana.

[Dr. Bruce]

Like, dude, I heard everything. You were a junkie, man. What the is wrong with you? You stole money. You did everything. But he's. He's still rocking a bandana and eyeshadow.

[Dave Damashek]

But. And that's true. That's the one thing it won't come clean about, is male pattern baldness. If you find me a picture of Leif Garrett when Leif was 15, I will show you a guy whose career was his hair. Like, he was Samson.

[Dr. Bruce]

He can't get a system.

[Dave Damashek]

The whole thing was, I've made my entire career based on my hair. Me, too. And now that my hair is falling out.

[Dr. Bruce]

Can we acknowledge what's going on?

[Dave Damashek]

Going on over here? Yeah, I've heard it. He makes jokes about his scalp.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't think he was making fun. I know you're laughing. Sir. Excuse me, Please, sir.

[Dave Damashek]

Sorry.

[Dr. Bruce]

You were being honest, and I want to accept your honesty and commend. You.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so rare.

[Dr. Bruce]

Don't let your disease make the decision.

[Dave Damashek]

Wait a minute.

[Dr. Bruce]

Did I just go left?

[Dave Damashek]

I don't know. There's the Leif's hair.

[Allison Rosen]

Majestic like a lion.

[Dave Damashek]

Majestic and proud. And then when it started coming out, he had to be thinking, wait a minute. This is my whole fucking ass money maker. I mean, like if.

[Brian Posayn]

If.

[Dave Damashek]

If Ron Jeremy's dick starts shriveling up, like, now I'm just a fat Jew.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's true, man. It's true.

[Dave Damashek]

It's exactly funny.

[Dr. Bruce]

He would tell you all kind of shit. I puked on myself. I sold my soul. I fucked people just to get drugs. Are you bald? No, I'm not. I don't want to talk about it.

[Dave Damashek]

First time, the only guy I'd ever interviewed on Loveline, the TV show where the producers came up after the segment and went, you want to try that one again?

[Dr. Bruce]

Was he high or what?

[Dave Damashek]

I think he was high. And I had just watched behind the Music or whatever on the whole Leif Garrett thing, and it drove me insane because it was my fault for thinking about questions in advance to ask him. It's always my fault for writing something down or getting.

[Dr. Bruce]

Was it you or was it him?

[Dave Damashek]

It was him. Because the last time you did that, I said. I know. I said I'd been watching this behind the Music thing.

[Dr. Bruce]

I saw it. I saw it a few times.

[Dave Damashek]

And it's like him and his buddy were in a 911 Porsche, and they were driving home from Hollywood on the 101, and Leif was high as a kite. Next thing you know, they're off the side of the freeway in a ditch, and his friend can't feel his legs.

[Dr. Bruce]

Paralyzed.

[Dave Damashek]

Paralyzed from the waist down. You know what I mean?

[Dr. Bruce]

Wait, this is the coldest shit. So they get him back together. It's like after 18, 20 years now. I'm just saying, as a human being, I'm expecting, hoping. Hey, man, Adam, I know you ran me over with the motorcycle. Fuck my bitch, I forgive you. No, the crippled guy goes, why the fuck did you do that, man?

[Dave Damashek]

Oh.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

No, he thanked him. He thanked him for saving his life.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, but then he. But then he said he never.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, no, nobody couldn't. His whole thing was this.

[Dr. Bruce]

He turned his back on him.

[Dave Damashek]

Leif dropped a radio off in his hotel room. Back when a radio was. You know, that was 39 bucks. You know, that was something. You know, he was paralyzed from laif down. But he did have a nice. You know, it was one of those twin Speakers with a cassette.

[Allison Rosen]

He still had ears.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, and he had a radio. He dropped off a little boombox in his room, and then he went back. And the whole time they're interviewing the guy, the guy's, like, turned his back on me, and we never spoke again. And I can't. All I want to know is why. I don't care about money. I don't care about the use of my legs. I just want to know why. Why? We were best. We were the tightest and I never saw me and dropped that rad off. And all I want to know is why. That's all I want to know. And it's like they then go on with the story. There was an $8 million lawsuit against Leif Garrett. So he sued Leif Garrett. Now, of course, if Leif Garrett's at the top of his career making buku bucks, and you're paralyzed, you're suing him. Him. But don't sit around and go, I just want to know why. I want to know why you were suing him. You're not, right?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, he's been doing junk. That's what he's been doing.

[Dave Damashek]

You're not allowed to go out and hang out with people you're suing.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's another thing I don't understand. His apologies, like, adam, you shot me, and I've never been able to act again. I'm cool with that. I just need you to say, I'm sorry. Sorry. I don't. That doesn't mean shit to me. When everybody wanted, like, the government to apologize for slavery, that's not gonna make me feel better. I don't want a fucking apology.

[Dave Damashek]

I don't get how that works either.

[Dr. Bruce]

Can you just say, I'm sorry?

[Dave Damashek]

No. It's right up there with when you call someone fat, and they go, take that back. Yeah, like, you gonna eat it. I mean, it's funny because feel like I can take it back, but it still was what went flying out of my mouth when I saw your ass.

[Dr. Bruce]

So it's like there's something that happened because they had people that sue doctors for leaving towels in their abdomen. They win all this money, they're gonna. They're on the verge of taking the hospital to the bank. And they go, if the doctor says, I'm sorry, I'll just drop the whole thing.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. They always want money and that. What are we playing? We hearing the end here? What do we got here?

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, boy.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna play it on.

[Dave Damashek]

I don't know what he's doing Dawson.

[Dr. Bruce]

I think he's saying he's got to go.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, my bad.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, Mr. Big Stuff over there. That's some place to be.

[Dave Damashek]

We know when we're not wanted. I'll tell you where Dave is wanted. Addison Improv, right Hotel right across the street from, oh, 27th through the 30th. Oh, God. Chocolateglotten.com is where you go, David.

[Dr. Bruce]

Follow me on Twitter. I gotta get. I need some more followers.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, follow him on Twitter. By the way, us turn down low. Caroline's, New York City, five shows coming up, the 18th through the 20th of July.

[Dr. Bruce]

Teddy Pendergraph.

[Dave Damashek]

Are you gonna be in New York?

[Dr. Bruce]

I would like to bust out your uterus.

[Dave Damashek]

Are you gonna be in New York any of those days?

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, probably not. I wish if anything changed, changes, I'll hit you up, man. I'll come by.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay. Also, forget about Vancouver. That's gonna sell out.

[Dr. Bruce]

So where you at in Vancouver?

[Dave Damashek]

Commodore Ballroom. And it's already sold 400 tickets in a week. And it's really.

[Dr. Bruce]

How much does it hold?

[Dave Damashek]

650.

[Dr. Bruce]

So look at you, mister.

[Dave Damashek]

You should get on that.

[Dr. Bruce]

How many shows over there in Vancouver?

[Dave Damashek]

Well, how many do I want to do or how many is Mike gonna suggest we do after we sell out next week?

[Dr. Bruce]

That Mike is a nut.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes, he's a money nut. You'll meet in the middle and do seven. Will turn theater with me and Jay Moore August 3rd. Don't miss that. And until next time, this Adam Kolla for David Allen Greer and and Dave Damaschek and Allison Rosen and Ball Brian saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

I think I, I, I don't. This is I, I.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, that's Adam Kulishow. 1108. Coming up next, we have Adam Carlos Show. 1111. Brian Posay. Dr. Bruce Allison Rosen from 2012. Check it out. Good day. Alison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam.

[Dave Damashek]

Carolla, bald Brian is sadly attending Christie, his wife's grandfather's funeral. So he will not be here tonight, but Dr. Spaz will fill his. Well, you don't really fill that scalp, but he'll do what he can. And Brian Posanen and I got plenty of stuff to complain about, so we should be fine for now. First things first. Yes, I did some coaching. I coached assistant coached my son's first basketball game at the Yellow. A couple things someone needs to do something with the acoustics of a gymnasium because it is all rafters and hardwood flooring and there's a lot of just screaming your lungs out at seven year olds who can't hear a fucking word you're saying, but there is. Oh, and I miss Brian already. There's that thing. It's not a horn. It's not a. No, no. I've now gone back to not missing him. Okay, it's not a horn, it's not a whatever, but it's this electronic that goes off that scares the shit out of everybody in the gym because it's five to 25 times louder than it needs to be. I should come up with a list of things that are much louder than they need to be.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. What else goes on that list?

[Dave Damashek]

Well, first and foremost, the backup beeper. The fact that I'm inside of my house, that I'm on the second story of my house, that I'm in my bed, that I have earplugs in and an eye shade on, and you're driving the garbage truck four streets away and I can hear your ass backing up at 6:45 in the morning. Means you're way out. Yeah, it's impossible. What, is there gonna be an earthquake? I'm gonna fall out of bed and roll down the hills and then roll through the front door and ro the street and roll behind your truck. The very notion that people, the people behind your fucking garbage truck or your whatever truck were really speaking of an area that at max, at the distance and the speed that you're backing up that garbage truck, the max would be about 28ft behind the truck and a swath about 11ft wide. Anything out of that, you're out of the danger zone.

[Allison Rosen]

I would argue that it is so loud that if you actually somehow were right behind it, the noise would be so deafening that you would freeze.

[Dave Damashek]

That's right. Or it would kill you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

It wasn't the garbage truck that got it was the backup died of a massive coronary after hearing the backup beep. How many people, how many of us have been in a hotel room in Manhattan, 13 stories above the streets with a sealed window, double glazed, sealed window, and heard the. The thing backing up, like down the street.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're like all the time.

[Dave Damashek]

The fuck? How fucking far away? I would argue that on a clear day I could take one of those things out to like the Salton Sea or, you know, the flats somewhere in the desert. And I could probably get four to seven miles away and hear that fucking garbage truck backing up. So that, that is the number one thing. But people in other YMCA gyms can hear that fucking thing with a quarter ends. If you're standing anywhere under it with your back to it. And that thing's like. It scares the fuck out of like a fire alarm. Yes. But it's one big burst and it goes off all the time. And it bugs the shit out of everyone in the gym. So that's number one. So I find myself, you know, just screaming seven year olds, sonny, get your hands up. Hands up. Get your hands. You try to rephrase it in stupid ways. You gotta get your hands up. Hands up. Let's go. Hands up. Ball movement, ball movement, you know, so it's like they don't know. They're just running back and forth, but had a thing and, you know, you tell me what you would do in this situation. Sonny's. He's a puss. He's a softy. He's a sweetie. He's not an athlete. He's not aggressive at all. Some kids are very aggressive. He's not aggressive at all. It's funny. He's fast. He can run down that court. He runs down the court like a fucking maniac. And then he doesn't go after the ball, you know, I told him after the game, you got to get more aggressive. He's like, I'm doing. I said, you run you whole ass down the court. Fastest guy down the court. And then when the. But you don't get the rebound, you don't go after the ball. I said, you know what? My nickname for you is going to be the vegetarian cheetah. And he's like, I like that. I'm like, you're not going to like it one day, but you like it now. Got a nice laugh out of the other coach, really. He's a cheetah. He's a vegetarian cheetah. It's like he can run down any zebra or gazelle. And then when he gets there, he just look at it, hangs out, dry hump it, lick it a little bit and move on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's very sweet.

[Dave Damashek]

He's the vegetarian cheetah. Look out, ladies.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe he'll be vegetarian and he'll actually appreciate that his whole life. Do you think?

[Dave Damashek]

Well, I have to say, like, again, I don't want to turn into. Like, it's too late. All right, I'm old man Carolla, but we went out. I got a gift certificate to a really nice steakhouse and we went out. By the way, here's how you know it's a really nice steakhouse. When you get the $150 gift certificate and you have to still chip in 150 bucks to get out of the place. That kind of steakhouse. Really nice steakhouse. And, you know, my son had the steak and it got cut up for him and stuff. And he's like, I want spaghetti and meatballs. And, you know, Lynette was like, you can have spaghetti and meatballs tomorrow night. And I was like, are you kidding me? Just eat your super expensive fucking steak that I would have never even come close to when I was your age. I didn't even have a piece of shrimp until I was 31. Jesus Christ. Been complaining the whole time about your fucking porterhouse that's been cut into little bits with the au jus sauce poured on it. It's absolutely insane. And I will not stand for it. And they shouldn't want me to stand for it because it'll ruin them. But anyway, so I'm at the game watching the vegetarian cheetah sprint up and down the court, yet devour no meat. And we at practice, there's all kind of rules, depending on how old the kids are. And, you know, they sort of move them up incrementally in terms of defense. When they're six, there's no reaching in. You can put your hands up and try to defend the guy, but you can't grab the ball from him because no kid. Kids can't handle the ball yet. Everyone just be grabbing it from them. So they have a rule and it's like one of those. Oh, that makes sense. And this is how we practice the three point arc. The three point stripe just makes a nice big sort of dome over that side of the basketball hoop. And they're not allowed to play defense outside of it. So when you dribble, they play full court now. So when you dribble the ball down court, you're not going to get harassed at half court, have some kid run up and slap the ball away from you. Otherwise the game would never. You just can't dribble.

[Allison Rosen]

Just be fighting over ball.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, they'd just be swatting it out of bounds. So you. So we trained our kids, go right on up to that line and you can stop and then you can look around. You know, you don't have to stop dribbling. They can't come on the other side of the line and take the ball from you or even play defense. They have to stop right at that arc. And then if you want to pass it laterally to another guy, you can. Or if you want to pass it in, you can or whatever you want, but you can stop there. Don't worry about it. No one's Going to come in and try to steal it from you. Well, our guys are trained. I was surprised how disciplined they were. None of them would ever go past that line when they were playing defense. It would just come to us.

[Allison Rosen]

All vegetarian cheetahs.

[Dave Damashek]

There's a couple little aggressive ones in there. Like a couple of the girls are pretty aggressive, but they all just stopped. And the other team's players would just blow right past the line and go in and swat the ball away and do whatever the rule was.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not okay.

[Dave Damashek]

So now I'm sitting there watching this and it's happening time and time and time again. And now I'm doing that thing where like, am I going to turn into that dad? Well, I feel like you have to like, do I? It's a seven year old, like. But do I say, hey, ref, you know, because, by the way, because you're in that acoustic douchebag, that blimp hanger douchebag. Acoustically, everything has to be yelled. So, like, when the ref's going by, there's no such thing as hey, pardon me. It's like, hey, red, blue, hey, blue. You know, like, you have to. Now you're the guy who's yelling at the ref, right?

[Allison Rosen]

So the only way to actually bring it up to the ref is to be that guy about it, to be aggressive in his face. Just because you're going to be yelling right now.

[Dave Damashek]

Also, you're on the same side of the basketball court as the other coaches from the other team and you kind of want to say to them, hey, are you telling your guys? Are you training them? Like we're training our guys not to.

[Allison Rosen]

Go past, like, did it seem like they were at all. I mean, did they. Did anyone else seem to be noticing this?

[Dave Damashek]

They had no recognition for this rule. The coaches or the players. And the refs didn't seem to either. Except for the coach I was standing next to was apoplectic. He was like, what are they doing? What are they doing? They're not so. And then they would run in and they'd run past the line and they'd swat the ball out and they'd be running the other direction and the refs would just be running alongside. And so I was like, what are we doing? And then so I started to question, did we make this stupid rule up and, like, govern ourselves or is this a real rule? So then we came to like, halftime or break. Anyway, big horn fired off again and I said to the ref, now I have to be that guy, but I'm Going to walk over to him. And I always want to, like, qualify everything with, hey, I don't know if this is the rule or not the.

[Allison Rosen]

Rule, but I mean, just hearing the story, I'm really upset at the way that these other kids were playing.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Because if that's how they're going to play, then you've effectively hobbled your team by telling them to obey. So I'm all for you being that guy right now.

[Dave Damashek]

Right. So I said, I don't know if this is the rule, but I'm told the rule is you're not supposed to be able to play defense on the other side of the three point stripe. You have to run back, you know, like when they inbound the ball, they're not allowed to harass them and everything. And they could dribble the ball down the court and then they get to get up to the ark, and then when they get inside the ark, then they're allowed to play defense. And he said, yeah, that's the rule. And I was like, well, they're not now. But again, I'm thinking I'm sounding like that guy. Like, I'm that guy. Guess what team my son's on? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm not, hey, third party from another land. I'm. I know, but now you have to see it through the eyes.

[Allison Rosen]

Calling the arbitrator.

[Dave Damashek]

So I said, well, their team is like going across almost the whole time. I mean, all the time. And he goes, well, they came across once, I missed it, and once I called it.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that true?

[Dave Damashek]

He called it once because the mike, the other coach was screaming at him the whole time like, what are they doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? He called it one time, and then the next time they just went right back to doing. Now, as you know, so I don't have an easel and pastel pencils. I just have a snapshot. I take pictures. I don't go like, well, I'm gonna just invent my own reality, which I know a lot of people do. Especially as it pertains to them.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And especially as it pertains to sports.

[Dave Damashek]

Right. And who beat out the throw to first base or whose foot was on the line. I've seen people where I've said to people, like, I saw your foot. It was clearly on the other side. It wasn't even near the line. You know what I mean? And like, I was standing next. I was watching your foot, your entire foot over the line. Not even close to the line, like, Stuff like that, right? So then it's that weird point where, like, I don't know what they're watching, but I do know they know what they're watching, and it's not what I'm watching. And it's gonna be hard. It's gonna be hard to win the argument. I said, no, they've been doing it the whole time, and they should stop doing it because it's not fair. And. And he was like, yeah, well, they did it once, and I called it once, and I was like, all right. So. And then you start to realize, that guy's a dope. Like, he's coaching. I mean, you know, he's reffing a game on a Saturday to watch little kids. I mean, like. I mean, he's a hero.

[Allison Rosen]

It's really hard. This one is so hard to figure out because ultimately, what does it really matter? At the same time, like I said, I'm getting all frustrated at the idea that you guys are playing by two different sets of rules. The kids on Sonny's team, how are they reacting to it?

[Dave Damashek]

They didn't see. All they did was obey the rule on their end of the court. On the other side of the court, they had the ball, and the person would encroach and go past that line and swat. And all they were concentrating on doing is not getting the ball swatted out. They didn't seem to.

[Allison Rosen]

So they weren't aware of this injustice.

[Dave Damashek]

Right. And ultimately, the coaches on the other team did the ultimate, which almost all human beings do, even the good ones, which is they saw a result they liked. So they weren't. They weren't saying. There was none of their voices going, hey, get behind the. We even had a thing that was like. We took the ball out on our hoop, and the kid was out of bounds, and he threw it into another kid who was standing way on the other side of the stripe, but not quite out of bounds. And when he threw it to the other guy, the other guy jumped in and hit the ball and then hit it off, like our guy's head and went out of bounds. And they're like, other teams, ball. I'm like, how he can't inbound it to him. The whole reason it got knocked out of bounds is because the guy went on the other side of stripe to get. And the guy said. The ref said to me, yeah, that was a close one because he did get the ball, but he did step back. It's like, yeah, but it should just be a free inbound to him because nobody's allowed to go on the other side of that. That it's a weird. I'm always confused by our society. I'm not sure why they have these rules and then why you have referees and then why everything is so like eh.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So where did you find that this is actually a rule?

[Dave Damashek]

It is a rule because when. Because when we brought it up to the ref, he was like, yeah, yeah, it's a rule. It's just the other coaches on the other team did. Coached her team to play that way and the ref sort of hardly enforced it. So confusing.

[Allison Rosen]

It's all very frustrating and upsetting. I'm glad I don't play sports.

[Dave Damashek]

But the vegetarian cheetah ended up winning by two points. And then yeah, it ends up. And again it's one of these things. It was like 18 to 16 and it's getting down to 30 seconds left kind of thing. And you don't think you're going to be one of these people until your team's clinging to a two point lead with 30 seconds left and the other team is doing something that they're not supposed to do. And then the next thing you know. So you see how all these fights break out on the fucking sidelines of these Pop Warner football games.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I want to help you by figuring out who is that guy and why your behavior is not exactly that. Because I don't think it is that. I understand there's some similarities, which is you're yelling a bit and it's on behalf of your kid's team. But you were in the right.

[Dave Damashek]

I was. I know, but I should be above it somehow. Anyway, other things. It's a kazillion degrees outside. It's weird. Hot. It's hot. It's uncomfortable. It's whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like the sun or earth is trying to kill us. Hot.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes. And it's really. It's like you're being punished. Hot outside. And I just think back to my dad's a frame in that attic up there and I just think about how much just going up to that attic. And then I realized I think technically that's child abuse having to sleep in that loft that unvented, no fan, no ac, no nothing loft. Now that house is right in the middle of the San Fernando Valley where yesterday it was probably 113 degrees and inside that loft be like 122 degrees. Quick tip to everyone. Radiant barrier. Put it up. It's foil. You roll it out, you put it on your roof rafters, you put it up with A staple gun. You don't have to put insulation. It's like a big roll of tinfoil. We've done it here. Massive difference. I don't know how else to tell you. I'm sorry. It's not funny. I don't even know if it's interesting. I'm just trying to help you. Radiant barrier. Make sure it's playing at a roof in your neighborhood soon because it makes a massive, massive difference. The scourge of barefoot people. And again, it's all. See, none of these things I complain about. They don't exist in a vacuum. Meaning having to put barbed wire around freeway signs so it won't get tagged is not a. That doesn't exist in a vacuum. That's literally a sign. Yeah, but it's not like. Well, that's the only problem we have is the freeway signs. It shows. It's a bigger picture kind of thing. Again, like when you. Yeah, when you see lots of posters saying, you know, hey, be a dad today, or something like that, it's bad. It is. Societally, it's a fucking horrible sign. It may just be a poster in a subway, but it means something globally. It's a bad indicator. It's a fucking bad indicator. And again, you know, I always just say, you're walking through the mall of life. You pass the Hickory Farms, the chicks out front with the toothpick and the cellophane. She's got it put in the summer sausage, you take a bite. You don't need to go inside and buy 10 linear feet of sausage to know whether you're going to like that. Just take the one toothpick and you're good. The barefoot thing. People tweet me pictures all day long of people in movie theaters now with their feet, but they want to be barefoot in a movie theater, but they don't want to put their feet on the ground, so they kick it up onto the headrest of the seat in front of them. Gross. It's your bare feet. Remember when bare feet used to be gross and weird? Like, ooh, stinky.

[Allison Rosen]

They still are.

[Dave Damashek]

Imagine just working and kicking your. There's the barefoot in between the two seats of an airplane. There's the barefoot.

[Allison Rosen]

The feet coming at you from all angles and from all sides is the worst.

[Dave Damashek]

But it's not. This is not a thing where, well.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, you're kicking back at home on your couch.

[Dave Damashek]

We didn't make the. We didn't make The Surgeon General, Dr. Scholz, and now this has happened. It's just a bigger Global problem of us becoming self absorbed fucking douchebags. Like everyone just puts their earbuds in, tunes out the world and goes, fuck everyone. I'm putting my feet wherever the fuck I want, Right? Yeah, I'm telling you, I, I am telling you, more feet. Go to amcrol.com, you want to see more feet. Feet and dogs. By the way, eight years from now, it'll be nothing but feet and dogs. That won't even be heads or torsos on airplanes. Just be feet, bare feet and dogs.

[Allison Rosen]

And yet, paradoxically, wouldn't you rather have a dog foot? I'd rather have a coming near you than a human.

[Dave Damashek]

I'd rather have a dog paw. But I do long for the simpler times when people at least remain in their socks on an airplane. Or if they did, oh yeah, another one people tweeted me, this is barefoot on the table at the diner.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's your barefoot shame? If you have to take your shoes off, which, first of all, I have a problem with that. Keep them down by the ground where no one can see them.

[Dave Damashek]

Don't wave them around. I'm going to show up with my kids in a half hour with my order of chili fries and lay them out on said table that was recipient of your stinky bare feet. Yes, barefoot on the table. And this isn't a thing where it's like, hey, let's break into this restaurant at night so I can experience the sensation of my bare feet on a table. No, this is fucking high noon prime time. Everyone's working and everyone's walking around. I'm just got my fucking bare feet everywhere. All right, so we got that again. I just use little indicators to little, little yardsticks, little measuring stick sticks to tell what colossal douchebags we're all turning into. Brought this one up before, but it's a very interesting little test for me. And I find it again to be one of those things that wouldn't hold any water in any scientific journal. But it'd be really hard to argue with. As I told you last week, I drove to Santa Monica. I sat in traffic from here to Santa Monica and it was hours worth of plodding along at four miles an hour. And I, because of my hypervigilance and just because of the way I drive and approach life, I just stare into the rear view mirror. I just drive. I literally look forward with one eye and I stare. And I'm used to just looking for cops and chicken shit tickets, but all I do is stare into the rearview mirror. So when the guy on the motorcycle comes up between us. Dr. Spaz has entered the studio. You tell me what you think of this theory. The guy comes up to split the traffic in the motorcycle. And if you think about it, this guy hasn't changed too much. He's a 20 something year old dude who's on a motorcycle. Usually 50 something year old dudes. I'm not talking about out on a Sunday Harley. I'm talking about weekday noon on the 110 or the 4 or 5 freeway. Anyway, the guy comes up to split. I see him 20 cars back because I'm just tuned that way. And I'll do. And I've been experimenting with it now. A huge move where I move way over. Like just. It is, it is very blunt and graphic how much you've seen me move to the left. Now I'll be in the left lane. I'll be in the fast lane. So there'll be the whole, you know, five, six foot shoulder there. And I'll pull over three, four feet. Just, just leave my huge berth and just to see what he does. And I was 0 for 10 from here to Santa Monica in terms of guys holding the handout back in the day. Bruce, every time you made that swing out move, I used to ride a motorcycle. If you made the swing out move, you got the hand down low, you got the left hand, not the throttle hand. You got the left hand down low. Thank you, motorist. Thank you for seeing me, being aware of me, me and swinging out. You know, there's nothing worse than being pinched when you're slicing through traffic. You make that deliberate move, you get the thank you. It used to be 8. I was 8 out of 10 in the thank you department. I just went 0 for 10. I'm probably 1 for like 28 on my last moves. Just cycle after cycle. You start to notice it, start doing it, trying it. You don't get what's changed. Have the cars change, has a motorcycle, yes, they're bad at. But what's changed or the age of the guys riding it.

[Unknown Guest]

Crotch rocket versus Gullwing. I think gull wings. You still get more of that. Thank you.

[Dave Damashek]

You don't get the splitter on the Gullwing. They don't do the splitter.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dave Damashek]

I appreciate the attempt of shitting on the point. No, we're self absorbed and we're narcissistic. We don't give a fuck about anyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think. And now I sound like my mom? Do you think there's a relationship between this and the death of the. Thank you luck.

[Dave Damashek]

Yo. There's the death. It's. There's a relationship between this. Gum spit on the sidewalk, snot rockets on the top of the urinals. Just fucking trash everywhere. Just whatever. Whenever. Parking, splitting, using up two spaces. Parking. I see Guys park at almost a 45 degree angle. We're like at a horrible fucking.

[Unknown Guest]

Not even in great cars.

[Dave Damashek]

No, just. No, it's, it's a, it is a game on. I watched. I had two comfortable, two uncomfortable I Love Lucy moments today at my house. First one, not so bad. I walked in the kitchen, I turn on the TV and there was I Love Lucy. She was in her living room with Ricky. They were both smoking, which is funny. They're both smoking. Then another guy came in and Ricky did the cigarette. Oh, don't mind if I do. So all three people in the scene were smoking. This was just sort of a Saturday. Ricky sitting around the house reading the newspaper. Tie. He's wearing a jacket and a tie. The guy who came over, who was Fred Mertz's buddy, he was just in town, just needed to kill a little time. He's wearing a suit and tie. 2. He introduced himself. I even wrote his name down. He was a salesman, by the way. Eddie Grant was his name and he's wearing a suit and tie. And he introduced other things. Was funny too. I was like, God, this is such a time capsule. Everyone's wearing a tie and they're saying their full name and they're shaking everyone's hand and they're sitting around lighting cigarettes.

[Allison Rosen]

With lighters the size of paperweights that.

[Dave Damashek]

Are no longer around. Yes, huge, huge lighters. Yeah, the ones that never work. But they were cool. And then they. At some point Lucy said if he had a lady friend who was in town, she could have a gay old time out shopping. Which I thought was fun, funny. But I just realized we have completely fucking gone off a fucking cliff as far as society goes. Bare feet everywhere. No one on motorcycles gives a fuck what. Anyway, the point is it's all. No one else really exists but me. You can take it and isolate it to. Well, we have a foot problem. We have a motorcycle problem. We have a gum spitting problem. We have a parking problem. No, we don't. We have a narcissistic problem and that is not going to work because we depend. See, I do believe. I believe when we do too much of the farming out, like, hey, we should sign. There should be legislation that makes it illegal to spit gum out. And there should Be legislation. Then you're handing it off to your bureaucrat. Then they're going to fuck it up then, by the way, then it's just game on. It's like the irs. Look, they're trying to get money from you, you're trying to save money. It's game on. We need to bring back a certain no duh, decency and dignity, which is bad. Don't spit the gum out. Not because it's illegal, but because you're a human being and you share this planet with other human beings.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there's more to manners than just. It's someone dictating. It's what you have to do. It's part of being a polite, decent human being.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes, but I do think the more we do the let the government handle it, the less people tend to want to handle it themselves. They don't take that responsibility anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

What's that like? Well, no one's telling me I can't.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, so consequences. Would that work?

[Dave Damashek]

Consequences work just great.

[Unknown Guest]

I like your idea about checking the DNA of the gum.

[Dave Damashek]

That's what I want. Database DNA. Hey, cigarette butts, gum, tampons, whatever. Whatever flips your cookie. What about it?

[Unknown Guest]

You know, can I give you. My personal pet peeve is grading the doctor. Let's give the doctor a grade and determine whether or not he's fit to practice. There's a good article in Forbes in January about grading your doctor may be hazardous to your health.

[Dave Damashek]

Ooh.

[Unknown Guest]

One ER in North Carolina, South Carolina was giving out gift bags with Vicodin, I swear to God.

[Dave Damashek]

To get a good grade. Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, because they have poor grades.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, look, I mean, it's the same thing of when, you know, you're getting your funding based on attendance. Then you just bring your kids in, warehouse them and push them out or, you know, on your test scores. Then you next, you know, you have teachers giving them the answers to the test. It's like, you're not trying to win on a technicality here. Do you know what I'm saying? When it comes, it's like the Shabbos goyim. Like, hey, I'm orthodox Jew and I'm not allowed to use a toaster oven on a Saturday. But I do like toast, so I'm gonna hire a guy with red hair to flip on the toaster. Like, really? Is that what they had in mind? Is that what they had in mind? I mean, we do it all the time. Like I said, everything becomes the irs Just. All right, okay. This is what you want. This is what we Want we could do? Okay, let's see if we can beat the system.

[Allison Rosen]

I have kind of a wonky point about why our society is going to have. And let's see if it works and if you agree with it at all. I think there was a time that advertising started co opting this idea of be rebellious, be your own person, do your own thing.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And that became the mainstream message.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And so now that's what everyone's doing. Yeah, they're just doing it. Yeah, well, they're obeying your thirst.

[Dave Damashek]

No, obey your thirst. Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

All that sort of anti man kind of thing. Anti establishment.

[Dave Damashek]

All that Nike bullshit where it's like your world, everyone's just living in it. There's only one you. I mean, yeah, they started doing. We went from this thing in the 40s where it's like we all need to band together to whoop the Nazis. And then we went from that to you do your own thing. There's only one of you. Listen, I watch that fucking Wawa Wuzie, that fucking poison that those retarded animators and creators shit out. And believe me, you guys are world class hacks. Insane. Hacks. Insane. Please, please stab yourself in the eye with a fucking mechanical pencil, would you? Creators of Wawa Wubsy. And please don't ever think that anyone mistakes what you do with art. Don't ever think for a second that anyone thinks that what you do is art. It's junk, it's shit. It's good until you see your fourth birthday and then you never see it again. That's what kind of artist you are. You're not artists. You cannot create. But that you know, you are the coolest stuff. It doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter how you look. You don't even have to try. You are the coolest. That's literally the song that they're saying. So everyone's just saying, me, me, me. There's no team anything. It's just me, me, I, I, me, me, me. Fucking. We're fucking our society royally. We have no idea. And everyone just thinks, well, then we got to hire more cops and more counselors and more teachers. More. No, there's not gonna be enough. There's never gonna be enough. There's not gonna be enough cops, cops to hand out a ticket if I decide it's a good idea to spit out my gum. Wherever. All right. Listen to these. There should be a class action lawsuit against yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

A chance and you'll see.

[Dave Damashek]

You are the coolest.

[Brian Posayn]

You don't have to talk a certain way.

[Dave Damashek]

Be yourself. Everyone will know. Hold on a second. Stop this for a second. Who's everyone? Then everyone's gonna know you're the coolest. But aren't they the coolest? Then you're gonna be part of the. Which group are you in? Are you the group where you're. Are you the individual who's yourself and the group knows you're the coolest? Or are you in the group who knows you're the coolest? And then what about that individual who's in the group?

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Are you this thing that has glasses? Are you these things that like condoms on?

[Dave Damashek]

No, those are the drones. Those are the other people, right? You're the coolest. Every.

[Allison Rosen]

Every single one of you drones is the coolest.

[Dave Damashek]

First off, you got.

[Unknown Guest]

Have you kids watched this?

[Dave Damashek]

Yes, they used to watch W W Z. And then I fucking screamed at them, are you nuts? The shit out of here. And then I remember, I'd say, look, watch the Simpsons. And is it just to them or.

[Allison Rosen]

To the people turning the TV on?

[Dave Damashek]

I know. I tell my kids, look, this is jo. Junk, right? This is junk. This is trash. Daddy's a comedian, right? Right? Daddy's funny. That's right. Daddy knows what he's talking about. Yes. All right, this is junk that's made by idiots. And you shouldn't be watching junk that is made by idiots. Look, they do this thing all the time where they go, you play classical music to your child while he's in the womb and you go, how's that work? Well, they absorb, all right? They absorb shit. This is shit. It may be shit made for four year olds and they're three and a half, but it's shit. Oh yeah, you're the coolest fucking Wawa wubsy idiots. They're such bankrupt fucking hacks. One day I would love to just get the fucking Wawa Wubsies, you know, I'd like to do. I want to get the door of the explorer people, the Wawa Wuzi people in there, and have them admit. Just admit. Find me that fucking. Find me that spec script you wrote for friends. Find it. Go get. Go get me. I want to see. I want that little window in your life where you tried to do something for an adult, but you couldn't do it. You know why? Because we wouldn't have you. You want to know why? Because you're not good. You're not the coolest.

[Unknown Guest]

You're the explorer.

[Dave Damashek]

So you have to write for kids and then you get to be A fucking hero. You're not a fucking hero. Everyone who writes for kids and everyone who makes a doc isn't a fucking hero. Most of your hacks who can't do that.

[Unknown Guest]

Have you thought of writing a kid show?

[Dave Damashek]

No, I'm too fucking smart. I can write for adults. I get to write things that adults can ingest and enjoy. Thus I don't have to write for what is essentially retarded adults, which are children.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever written Friends fan fiction?

[Dave Damashek]

That a hat? No. You know when they go like, that guy's 31, but he has the mentality of a five year old. What do they mean? Well, that's retarded. Show me a guy who's 46 but.

[Allison Rosen]

Retains his childlike innocence because it's okay.

[Dave Damashek]

That guy's 46, but he's like kind of like he has about a six and a half year old. He's a severely disabled or retarded person. That's what we're dealing with here, okay? That's who you crate for. Forget about there. Let's don't make them kids. Make them retarded adults. You, you make programming for retarded adults. Go sick fucking hacks. All right, anyway. Bruce.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes, sir.

[Dave Damashek]

I see Brian Posayn is out there somewhere. You got your stuff, Bruce?

[Allison Rosen]

You only have a few papers. What happened to your stacks?

[Dave Damashek]

I want to putting more in my mind before we get into this. Speaking of things, I'm making another movie. It's been long enough and it'll be out and we're gonna crowd source this one and it's gonna be on fund anything. And you can look for all the details coming up. I'm gonna announce the stuff on Kimmel soon and that'll all be coming up, so that'll be cool. The other thing is, I was. Well, you're from Fontucky, are you not? Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Thanks for inviting me. Two hours before the race.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, to be fair, I don't want to know. I had this thing with my wife, which I have a lot of the time, which is the day before the race, like on Friday, she said, you know, Dr. Bruce and his kids are out there. They might like to come by. And I said, yeah, sure. Why? Yeah, tell them fine. And then the next day, about an hour before the race, or two hours, about two hours before the race, I was standing in the kitchen getting ready to pack the kids up and leave to Fawntucky, and I said, is Bruce coming out? And she said, yeah. Did you talk to him? And I said, no. And she said, oh, you want me to text him? And I said yes yesterday, but yeah, well I'll shoot him a text now. And I said, okay, but now the race is starting in two hours, so he might not be able to make it. Well, I'll get a text out to him now. And I said, all right, yeah, well.

[Unknown Guest]

I texted her about Ray's infected foot, which brings me to my first segue.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, hold on a second.

[Unknown Guest]

You want me to read you how?

[Dave Damashek]

I'll show you something that you can see. We'll do a link over at [e-mail] I think it's called Group 4 qualifying. Somebody took all the cars, all the cameras and half the cars and just whacked them together for just a quick minute. And you can check this out here. This is right as the green flag drop around. So they took all the in car cameras and they just kind of whacked, whacked them, whacked them all together. And the whole 20 minute race is on there. And if you want to see it sort of from the POV of all the guys point of view, in other words, of the guys who are driving, it makes, makes it fun. And it's. And I start off in 28th in this race and got up to 10th. And this is the qualifying race. This is not the race. It's just, it's the same, it's just as sort of nutty. But I'm coming around the corner at some point there and I'll make my way up to 10th and then we'll start in the race at 10th and then finish at 6. If you, you can I pop up somewhere in this video. I think it. If you go to 13, it's about 20 minutes long. If you go to 1345, you'll see me pop up. Now this is the qualifying race. You can hear these guys.

[Allison Rosen]

How hot was it there?

[Dave Damashek]

Hot. And you'll see me coming up on the right down the end of the thing in the bre. 510. It wasn't as hot as it was this weekend, but inside a fire suit you're wearing long johns and a hood and gloves. So it just, it gets, it gets a little bit, a little bit intense. But people took videos sort of from outside and inside and then they sort of whacked it together. And none of my in car footage is in there, but I have the other cars in car footage is in there. So anyway, all right, so fun, a fun watch and you get an idea how it works.

[Unknown Guest]

It's harder Than it looks.

[Dave Damashek]

It's hotter than it looks. All right, so what do you got there? Ball.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes. Go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I just insert one quick question about your movie? If someone listening to this is like, I want to do something now, what should they do? Should they just watch you on Kimmel? Is there somewhere they can go?

[Dave Damashek]

Thank you. I think they can go to fund anything dot com, and they can. I think it's dot com. Then go fund anything. And they can put in Road Hard, which is going to be the name of the movie, and they can. They can check it out, but it's not officially up, and we're not up and going yet. We're about a week off. But check it out and. And. And. And stay tuned. We got some fun stuff to do. All right, so my question is, when.

[Unknown Guest]

I text Lynette, if I'm going to text to you, I asked Lynette to ask you. I assume, like when I said, happy.

[Dave Damashek]

Father's Day, you never get them right. Right. So I.

[Unknown Guest]

You know, Ray had an infection from a dog bite. So of course Ray calls, and it's.

[Dave Damashek]

Like, I want some antibiotics. Just give me some antibiotics.

[Unknown Guest]

And so the question is, does Ray have his foot falling off? I don't trust his medical judgment, so.

[Dave Damashek]

I. Oh, Ray has a scalpel. Oh. Do you know that I'm surprised he.

[Unknown Guest]

Doesn'T have a ventilator up in his place there?

[Dave Damashek]

No, I mean, he'll do. He'll do surgery on himself. Well, why?

[Unknown Guest]

It's frightening. So I text Lynette and I say, lynette, maybe get Adam to look at Ray's foot. So I know I'm giving him some Augmentin. It's a dog bite fight. Probably be okay, but I want an objective bin.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, wow. We have this. If I get a new car, will.

[Unknown Guest]

You give me a new jingle?

[Dave Damashek]

Is your sister gonna sell your car? What's going on? Somebody offered to fund the car.

[Unknown Guest]

CTSV or an M5.

[Dave Damashek]

What? Should I get a crowd source a car?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I should do that.

[Dave Damashek]

The car you're driving now was your sister's. No, wasn't. No, absolutely. That was the Camry. Where have you been? Oh, hell, that's back when he was 50. That's what his scribes. Fresh out of college, barely had his medical degree.

[Allison Rosen]

Masculine beast in the parking lot was driven by his sister at one point.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm an SC man. I just burned people. Driving skills.

[Dave Damashek]

Now, where were we? We're talking about Ray's foot.

[Unknown Guest]

Lynette, sorry. Say to Lynette maybe you get Adam to look at raised foot, give me an objective so I'm not going to lose my medical.

[Dave Damashek]

I.

[Unknown Guest]

The next day, along with the invitation to go to Fontana. I won't even read it to you. But it was. I'll paraphrase. I don't give a rat's ass about raised foot.

[Dave Damashek]

Really.

[Unknown Guest]

Although I'm glad to hear it soon, because I text her. I said, well, because I texted her Saturday. So maybe Adam give me an objective opinion about raised foot. Never heard anything Sunday.

[Allison Rosen]

That's how you're going to save your medical license, by having Adam take a look at it.

[Dave Damashek]

Adam's pretty sharp.

[Unknown Guest]

Adam has good intuition. Listen, we've been through the, you know, the styes with the kids, and Adam had some pretty good. Until he was gonna pierce it with a hot needle.

[Dave Damashek]

That was a little bit questionable, Lance, but okay. Yeah. And also, if you've heard the beginning part of the show, I'm fucking had enough of bare feet all over our society. All right, Dr. Spaz, what do you have?

[Unknown Guest]

Well, you know, talking about. Just to segue into dog. Dog bites.

[Dave Damashek]

We talked about Ray got bit by a dog.

[Unknown Guest]

He got bit by a dog. Of course, you know, because he's always barefoot and a construction site and other.

[Dave Damashek]

Intelligent designers on an airplane or was just not.

[Unknown Guest]

Not at an airport construction site.

[Dave Damashek]

Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

All right, so he's like, stepping on rebar. Of course he's had his tetanus shot because he's had 5 million skin punctures.

[Dave Damashek]

He works in either barefoot or flip flops. Construction site.

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds so dangerous.

[Unknown Guest]

And then when it's. It's like somebody else's. Somebody else's irresponsibility becomes my emergency.

[Dave Damashek]

I used to pick him up on my motorcycle. Like, I'd say, I'm gonna swing by your motorcycle, pick you up, and we'll go to Denny's and eat a Grand Slam at midnight night in the middle of the winter. And he'd come walking down from his mom's apartment barefoot.

[Allison Rosen]

What happens if he puts on shoes? Does he fall over?

[Dave Damashek]

It's like. It's too.

[Unknown Guest]

Peter Pan doesn't put on shoes.

[Dave Damashek]

His approach to life is so incredibly casual that he doesn't seem the necessity to put shoes on to go to eat or go to somebody's house and raid their fridge or whatever. Even though he's going to ride on the back of my motorcycle. Motorcycle. Me on a motorcycle barefoot.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, she's gonna get tan.

[Dave Damashek]

Anyway.

[Unknown Guest]

Anyway, so. So dog bites are common.

[Dave Damashek]

Probably. It's middle of the night. I'm talking the middle of the night, barefoot, on the back of a motorcycle. I don't know many people that do that, but anyway, so.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, so dog bites again. Dog bites rarely get infected. Cat bites get infected. And especially, I hate to use the word feral. My kids are even making fun of me now.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you practiced saying it in the way that they're supposed to say it? My kids are brutal right now.

[Unknown Guest]

My kids are brutal.

[Dave Damashek]

Do they know what they want on their pizzas yet?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, they know what they want on the pizza. They want you to invite them over for pizza. Last time, when you invite them over, you get tired.

[Dave Damashek]

The window's been painted shut. No, I hate.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, maybe give you some advice. When did you make. My son's making prank calls. Did you make prank calls when you're. Yeah, but here's the caveat.

[Dave Damashek]

That's all we had. Well, he's got Internet porn right by the Internet porn. I wouldn't be fucking there.

[Unknown Guest]

You gotta go down the road of something inappropriate.

[Dave Damashek]

No, but you think if I had a magical box, it's packed full of pornography on my desk or a tablet or whatever, I'd be calling the fucking Chinese joint, asking for the poo poo platter and then laughing like a maniac. But he's got a cat.

[Unknown Guest]

There's a caveat to it.

[Dave Damashek]

There.

[Unknown Guest]

There's a smartphone connection here. He uses Dr. Phil app. People, questions. He likes calling Taco Bell.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, it's pretty good.

[Unknown Guest]

Do you torture small animals? It's really pretty. He called me and I was on there 30 seconds trying to figure out if Dr. Phil was calling me and trying to do a psychiatric evaluation or not.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, so.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, so we're not going very far in that. Feral cats. No, animal bites. Cat bites. Extremely dangerous. And most of the time you end up with IV antibiotics. So Ray did well. So next, how about nosebleeds and cats?

[Dave Damashek]

Kids. Something I see, huh? Sonny's been getting that all the time.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, very common. Especially with this kind of heat. We're seeing a lot of that in the er.

[Dave Damashek]

In the er? Oh, a lot of parents going to the ER for.

[Unknown Guest]

Because Adam Caroll is not their dad. In which case he probably.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, Sonny told me and, well, Lynette told me he got like four nosebleeds the other day. And I said that's because it's hot, right?

[Unknown Guest]

Exactly. This time of year you have heat, cools off. It's dry, it's moist. The kessel box, plexus, the veins in the Nose are frontal. They're in the septum, and they're very close to the surface. So when it dries out like this and then it gets moist with that repetitive cycle, you get cracking of the mucous membranes and you get a nosebleed. Now, of course, also, you probably don't have your kid stand on his head and not hold the nose. I mean, a lot of parents, they bring the kid in and the kid's just leaning over, not putting any pressure on the nose. Volume.

[Dave Damashek]

I've actually been doing my yoga headstand trying to get my daughter to do the yoga headstand. I never. Do you guys know what the yoga headstand is?

[Unknown Guest]

You're not using your hands. You're probably. You're just supporting yourself with your head, you know?

[Dave Damashek]

No. How do you do a headstand where you just support yourself with your head? It's.

[Unknown Guest]

It's painful. It's possible it's not good for your cervical vertebrae.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, I can show you the yoga. I can show you my yoga headstand, Dan, if you'd like. But you're going to have to talk, Bruce. Okay, up to 27 seconds while I'm not over microphone.

[Unknown Guest]

Hey, I could do it easy if you're not there to interrupt me.

[Dave Damashek]

Do it in such a way. Or I. I don't think I'm wearing underpants. Figure out. See if I can do this. I'll tuck my shirt in.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. He's tucking his shirt in.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, well, parents, he might just be.

[Allison Rosen]

Touching his penis right now. If there's no underwear to get in the way.

[Unknown Guest]

I thought I was going to have 27 uninterrupted seconds.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

[Unknown Guest]

To discuss nosebleeds. Now, maybe I can give the blow by here with Adam.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

Is that the yoga headstand?

[Allison Rosen]

You can see his face is turning red.

[Unknown Guest]

Turning bright red. Now, if he was having a nosebleed, there would be blood squirting out of his nose.

[Allison Rosen]

But even though he's upside down.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, especially because all the pressure there. So that's. But how much of the pressure are you absorbing with your arms, with your elbows?

[Dave Damashek]

41%. All right, fine. How the fuck do I know?

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, so. So the problem is a lot of parents do not apply pressure, do not apply ice.

[Dave Damashek]

I try to get Natalia to do. She's got her own. I try to get to do the yoga headstand.

[Allison Rosen]

Will she do it?

[Dave Damashek]

Which I, by the way, make look easy, but. Yeah, that's. I know from boxing that when you get a Bloody nose, you got to pinch it up top. And I used to get them in high school and stuff, too, when it'd get really hot. Right.

[Unknown Guest]

The other thing to do is every night, a couple times, they put Vaseline or a greasy antibiotic ointment up in the nose. And also teach your kids to press the nose. But that is a common problem. In 33 years, I had one kid. He didn't look good otherwise. He was very pale. And I got a blood count. And he had leukemia. But that's what a lot of parents. They are concerned there's a bleeding problem extraordinarily rare, and nosebleeds are extraordinarily common. Not a great reason to go to the doctor.

[Allison Rosen]

So at what point would a nosebleed become something so.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, in adults. In adults, they're taking a blood thinner, aspirin. If you have a posterior bleed, it's arterial. It's not going to stop on its own, and it's very dangerous. But in children, 99.9% of the time, it's.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, let's do one more, and then we'll take a break and you can hang out. We'll bring Brian Posayn in. You got one more?

[Unknown Guest]

Well, yeah, I have several. First, I was talking to an infectious disease guy. HIV tests are available now. And I was asking him what's the downside? And his concern was 1 in 500 college students are 18 HIV positive. First of all, in that age group, it's. That's pretty high prevalence.

[Allison Rosen]

Say 1 in 500.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. No.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. In the United States, that's what the estimate is. Of course it's an estimate, but that's a high prevalence.

[Dave Damashek]

The other estimate, like 47,000Americans die every year of secondhand.

[Brian Posayn]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Unknown Guest]

That's got.

[Dave Damashek]

No. Well, no, but I mean, the doctors get to just. Look, I'm not saying they're doing this, but yes, I'm about to say they're doing this. They go, look, we want to raise awareness of a problem. And they go, all right, what do we got here? Well, we got 1 in 10,000 college students who are HIV positive. And you go, well, that doesn't sound too good. And then you go, all right, make it 1 in 500. And then you go, now you raise awareness.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't have the data with me. But what you do is you have a study that has an N or a study number that's large enough.

[Allison Rosen]

500.

[Unknown Guest]

No. So if you study 10,000 college students and you have a. It's something that's statistically significant. So that's what this is based on. It's not an estimate.

[Dave Damashek]

It's based on. I doubt it's 1 in 500.

[Unknown Guest]

And the other issue with the HIV test that I was going to talk about, it tests for antibodies. So in other words, you get infected, the virus starts to grow in the bloodstream, in the body, and then you start developing antibodies. But it can take months before you have enough antibodies so that your test is positive. So the concern is people buy the test, test themselves, they are in the early stages, they have a lot of virus, they are able to communicate the disease to others and yet the test is not. So there are concerns about a test being available, that people go out and test themselves, are negative and then they're promiscuous.

[Allison Rosen]

Is this a test where the results.

[Unknown Guest]

Show up in 20 minutes?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, like a pregnancy test?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's what's available now. It's just in the last six months or so.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you. What are they testing?

[Dave Damashek]

Same reaction by the way, to each positive.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, you're testing for antigen, but I.

[Allison Rosen]

Mean, are you testing urine or I mean antibody.

[Unknown Guest]

What's that you're testing? You swab the cheek.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, Dr. Brews, hang tight. Brian Posayn. Huge comedian Brian Posayn coming in. We'll take a quick break. Be right back with Brian next. Brian Posayn here. Ah, a little serendipity. The fardist, the name of the CD and DVD available on Amazon. You know what to do? Go to amcroll.com and click on the Amazon banner and put a little wind, a little hot wind, a little anal wind, and into the sails of the pirate ship. It is out as we speak. It is interesting. I don't know if you guys have done this on a. If you admitted to doing this on a digital scale. I have a digital scale and the other morning I weighed myself and it was 190, just straight up 190. And I said I'd like to get down into the 180s. And I was just wearing a pair of shorts. Nothing else is a pair of short like trunks. And I just kicked off the trunks and I got back on and I went there. 189 and a half. And I don't know why it was satisfying. I knew. It's not like I didn't know what I just did. I don't know why.

[Allison Rosen]

That's not as if we're admitting to do that.

[Dave Damashek]

You ever do anything stupid like that?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh my. If this was a room full of women. That's all we do.

[Dave Damashek]

That's all you do.

[Allison Rosen]

I weigh myself with my watch on.

[Dave Damashek]

So now you're squarely in the 180s or whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

Now you can eat.

[Dave Damashek]

Brian, what do you think you're.

[Brian Posayn]

When I'm at the doctor's office and they have me do the scale with my clothes.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Brian Posayn]

I always want to get completely nude and go, no, no.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, not quite.

[Brian Posayn]

300.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Brian Posayn]

298, madam.

[Dave Damashek]

I did that one. I did it just the other day too, where you do the thing at the doctor's office. You're wearing jeans, you have your shoes on, you have your wallet in, and you're wearing a long sleeve shirt and undershirt and stuff. And like the nurse will always do that thing where she'll go, I said to her, well, how do you do this? Like, scientifically? And they're. It's always funny when they're like, what? And you're like, well, how do you know exactly how much someone weighs? And I go, oh, you know, you figure you deduct a pound or something for the shoes and the pants. And I'm like, I didn't want to be an asshole. Like, what do you mean, a pound? A pound.

[Brian Posayn]

They don't even deduct it mine. She just wrote it down as it was.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, they write it down the way it is, figuring you're not going to show up nude, fresh from a sauna the next time they weigh you. And it'll be a. They'll be able to go, you put on £20, but they won't work in the kilt and full bagpipes and stuff. BRIAN POSAYN IN STUDIO I think we. Do we talk about your upbringing up in wine country, or am I making that up?

[Brian Posayn]

Yeah, I think we've talked about it here before. I grew up in Sonoma, which everybody thinks is going to be ideal.

[Dave Damashek]

Right. But no, not for you. As a kid, you wanted to get out. When did you know you wanted to do stand up?

[Brian Posayn]

Not till I was 19 or 20. I started writing jokes when I was 20. It was one of those things. Do you ever look at those kind of jobs when you were a kid and go, oh, I couldn't do that. Somebody has to be born to do that.

[Dave Damashek]

You know what I mean?

[Brian Posayn]

Like when I first saw standups, I never thought, thought that that was something that, like, any idiot could try.

[Dave Damashek]

I think it's a product of bad to laissez faire parenting, where there's a whole bunch of jobs, careers, and even lifestyles where you just go, oh, well, credit cards are for super rich people, right? Like, you don't travel via an aircraft unless you're like the president, right? Like, you just look at other people's. You'd go to their house and you'd see the picture of the family on the ski vacation or something, and you go, well, that's Photoshop. They must be putting their head through a piece of plywood where they've drawn snow in or something. What's that? Chalet in the background? Yes, I grew up the same way. Which is you have a sense of humor. But wait, you're not one of those people who gets paid to do something with it.

[Brian Posayn]

Yeah, I never thought that. But now I think kids, because if you see the Internet, kids think anybody can do it. Guys that shouldn't be doing comedy are doing it because it's out there more.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, they don't even know. There's no line between success like it used to be. If you're going to be an author, hey, you were an author. Now anyone can write a book. It doesn't mean you're going to sell any books. You just can write a book. And it's like, remember when having music out on a CD meant something like, that guy's got a CD out. Well, shit, I've never heard of his fan, but yeah, except you gotta be fucking doing something, right? He's got a cd. Well, so now every kid can have. Anybody can do a podcast. Any. My daughter said she's gonna do a podcast. She's living with a bad example of what you can do with a podcast. Meaning she thinks, oh, I'll just go do a podcast and then I'll live in a big house too, right? It's not gonna work out that way. But you can write a book, you can have a YouTube page, you can basically have your own TV channel. You can be publish yourself, you can have CDs drop. You can do whatever you want and not make a penny and be talentless, right?

[Brian Posayn]

But the thing that kids are or the people that do that are forgetting or not seeing is to do stand upright. You have to do it a lot with nobody seeing you. And now people like, you know what I mean?

[Dave Damashek]

Now people.

[Brian Posayn]

I'll have guys go, hey, I'm trying. Stand up this week. Will you look at my set?

[Dave Damashek]

Fuck no.

[Brian Posayn]

No, I don't have that kind of time. And nobody did that for me. You know what I mean? Like, I just did it.

[Dave Damashek]

They haven't earned it. A. They shouldn't. They shouldn't want you. What if you did look at their set and went, wow, this guy's the next George Carlin. I'm gonna book you as a headliner over at Caroline's. You don't deserve it. You shouldn't. You won't want it either, but more.

[Brian Posayn]

Likely I'm gonna look at it and go, you should stop.

[Dave Damashek]

Right.

[Brian Posayn]

You don't have it at all.

[Allison Rosen]

And if they did have success, they would look back on the fact that they wanted people to see those early stand up sets and they would probably regret it immensely.

[Dave Damashek]

That is. I would. Brian, I don't know how you feel about this. I'd rather just be a whole YouTube channel than me doing gay porn in the 80s. Or playing the fake saxophone. I don't know. What, you know, like Rob Lowe, St. Elmo's Fire. Right, Right. Well, I don't know what. Or doing stand up.

[Brian Posayn]

Like bad stand up stick and pretend pretending to play someone like a fake trumpet.

[Dave Damashek]

Grabbing his balls and doing that. How come? Let me ask you this. How come when we fake play the saxophone, we basically get our fingers in the right place when we fake play the trumpet, we put one finger in our mouth. You know what I mean? I don't feel like we do the fake trumpet. We do a weird thing where the same rules don't apply with the fake.

[Allison Rosen]

Trumpet, but when we hold the fake phone, we talk into our little finger. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, it's weird. Rules of pantomime.

[Dave Damashek]

We feel like we have the gun down pretty good, except for the finger doesn't need to be extended because it's like, are we mimicking holding a gun or are we making a gun out of our hand? We're caught in between here.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm gonna have to explain to my kids one day about puppet shadows and hand shadows and go. That was entertainment. People took their hand and go, oh, it looks like a rat.

[Allison Rosen]

I always wish I could do that.

[Dave Damashek]

I do too. And they'll never stop fucking laughing. Like this is considered entertainment. Like someone put a sheet up, put a fucking light behind it. And then there'd be a guy who could do what looked just like an ostrich head. And people in the fucking crowd were entertained.

[Brian Posayn]

Not only your kids would be bored now, right?

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, they would.

[Brian Posayn]

They would attack you unless your hand rabbit told them that they're awesome.

[Dave Damashek]

You'd be beating it death with tablets.

[Allison Rosen]

I used to think the people that could do that were really cool.

[Dave Damashek]

We should have a list of things we wish we were good at or could have done back in the day that would have no application today. And we'd be fucking miserable if we ever spent 10 minutes of our lives doing the puppet shadow thing. I consider that fairly high art and I wish I could do it and thought you could translate this into a living, possibly even getting light.

[Brian Posayn]

You know, I have an even bigger house. If you could do that.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

You know, I hate to on your point, but remember I had my little hand animals and your kids would go wild when I bring up.

[Dave Damashek]

No, you do, mister. What would you do?

[Unknown Guest]

This is the animal. Then it was animal.

[Dave Damashek]

What was his name?

[Unknown Guest]

Animal sharp feet.

[Dave Damashek]

What's that Animal.

[Unknown Guest]

That was his name.

[Dave Damashek]

No, no, mister. I don't remember, Mr. Wormy. A Wormy. That's right.

[Unknown Guest]

Wormy and then Animal sharp feet.

[Dave Damashek]

Jesus Christ. You don't remember the stupid name you gave your index finger? You do.

[Unknown Guest]

I guess I don't have to.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, the kids love that though. They were. They. You jiggle jingle keys in front of them and they want to give you a Peabody at that age.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, it's cruel.

[Dave Damashek]

You just don't.

[Brian Posayn]

You just don't give out Peabody so they on the board.

[Dave Damashek]

You know what? Maybe I've said too much. One of them is. I'm not going to say which one. And that's. That's all I can say about that. Yes, they. They what? The fardist? Ooh, maybe they'll maybe a Peabody for that.

[Brian Posayn]

Oh, for sure.

[Dave Damashek]

You must have been nominated. You worked on Seinfeld, right? Other shows. You must have been. Must have been nominated for Peabody's, right?

[Brian Posayn]

No Emmys twice. Writing. No Peabody's really early in my age. You're really early on. And then nothing since 98 was my last nomination.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, then you're due.

[Brian Posayn]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Here's a topic. I had another one of those interesting discussions with my wife where I said go out.

[Brian Posayn]

I'm being shown how to talk into a microphone, by the way.

[Dave Damashek]

Okay. Yeah, it does it for a living. But yeah, these ones you got to get right into the end of. I have this emergency packet stuff, you know, I like the stuff from Trader Joe. Everything from Trader Joe's is better, but it's emergency. And you know, 1,000 milligrams of vitamin C, you just dump it in your water. And I don't know if it works or not, but I haven't been sick in 10 years, so I ran out of it. And my thing for everything is if it's emergency, don't get highfalutin, just get the orange flavor. You're Never gonna go wrong with the orange flavor. Well, I did the thing I do with my wife all the time, which is go ahead and buy. Like I'm not going to perish in a horrible accident in the next four days. Meaning if I use this thing every day, don't get a 15 day supply, get a 100 day supply, go get a bunch of cases of it because I'll go through it and then we won't have to. Oh, hey, could you remember next time to go. You know, I tell people if you're going to buy aspirin, buy 10 bottles and just fucking spread it all over. It doesn't go stale and you'll use it. So I say just buy, you know, buy me a couple boxes, big cases of it. Okay. So I come home and there's two things. This, I get the tropical flavor. Tropical flavor to me is no flavor. Like, is there anything that's sounded better but really been worse than tropical? Like in terms of tropical sounds great for vacation, but in terms of like ice cream or tea or just any flavor, right? It's a non flavor. It's like if you made a drink out of what was at the end of the bar in that collection train, just dumped it all and put a little seven up the top of it. Yeah. Like is. I've. I have a theory, by the way, that tropical is sort of like a fiesta mix. Or, you know, it's like it's just a bunch of bullshit on different conveyor belts that got left over and they just put it together and decided to make their own mix out of it. Like this is part raspberry, part c. You know, part. Part orange flavor, part lime and they just go, fuck it. We have some extra remnant. Yeah, it's, it's, it's kind of the rock soup of flavors. But anyway, so tropical, everything just tastes like shit, right? So she gets the tropical, but it's because they were out of the orange, which is fine. But the other thing that's going on and I don't know if you guys have been burned by this. I have a million times. I look at the thing, it looks like the orange flavored emergency. And I get the thing. Like, you know, you'll grab the corn nuts and then you get home and oh, this one's the cat shit and aged Jimmy flavored. But they don't make it clear. They don't make it clear on. It looks like it's exactly the same.

[Allison Rosen]

You need a legend to find out what flavor it is, right?

[Dave Damashek]

It's the exact Same Doritos, except for this one is zesty jalapeno, but it's just marked a little bit at the. You need a totally different bag is what I'm saying, Right?

[Brian Posayn]

Yes. I don't know how the FDA lets them get away with shit and eggs, vegan corn nuts.

[Dave Damashek]

Somebody must have greased somebody's palm over there. But what I'm saying is, like, you know, with gum. Gum, they go bubble gum, pink, spearmint green, but they would never just do Trident and then just have little itty bitty flavor letters on there, right? Because you'd be confused all the time. I'm trying to think of now that there's 500,000 flavors of every thing. By the way, somebody bought. I was making Mangria and I was making my better man, which calls for rye whiskey. But this had a little label that said mangrove. And it was one of those things where it's like, the fucking bottle needs to be shaped like a maple tree. Because you tell someone, go to Trader Joe's and grab a bottle of rye, and they grab a bottle of rye, and they don't read the little fucking letters that make it taste like log Cab and syrup. And it's fucked everything up. We still drank it, because we do. But you guys are with me, right? On the corn nuts or the Doritos or the toothpaste or whatever it is, if it's got its own funky flavor, make it an. A different brightly shaped container. Container.

[Allison Rosen]

Because when you eat something and you get home and you find that you've bought the wrong flavor or the wrong thing, that's a catastrophe, right?

[Dave Damashek]

So now you have cases of shit you don't want. Now, now, now. Interesting discussion in kitchen. So I say, oh, by the way, I guess you didn't notice it because I do it all the time, too, but you got me the tropical flavor. Now we got three cases of the tropical. And she goes, oh, no, I saw it, but they're out of the. Out of the orange. And I said, what else did they have? Well, they had lime or they had tropical. And I said, and she did the. I knew you'd be pissed no matter what. I always liked that one. You know where you get the. I knew you'd be pissed no matter what. It's like, I'm not always pissed no matter what, but I knew you'd be pissed no matter what. And I said, I probably would have wanted the Lyme. But let's understand. I don't know how much the tropical thing, I feel like you're living with a human being that never stops complaining about passion fruit. Which kind of a lateral move from tropical. But tropical is never tropical. Anything has ever. I've never asked for the tropical. Fill in any blank. Ever. But fine, you want tropical. But now three cases. All right, see, I knew you'd never stop complaining. And I'm like, I'm not really complaining. But I thought you bought three cases because you thought you got the orange, you got the three cases of the trap, okay? See? Nothing. And then you realize, no, I'm not, Brian. You know what I'm talking about here. Right now everyone just goes, oh, shut up. Look, you got to know, you don't know what you're doing. Stop and shut up. And then I go, I'm not screaming, I'm just saying next time. And you're gonna get the wrong flavor. Don't get three cases. I'm just. Don't load up, don't load up. Don't go all white supremacists. We're living in a bunker with the tropical.

[Allison Rosen]

See, this whole thing is making me so afraid to get married. Cuz this is the crux of relationship shit. Which is you have to put up, I guess, with someone doing you a favor but doing it wrong.

[Dave Damashek]

And I don't know how well I am alright with. See, here's the thing. Thing. I'm fine with the concept either direction, coming from her, coming from me, either way of saying, and this is the problem. It's a micro and a macro problem. I'm not calling you a bad person. I'm saying in the future, if you're going to go out and pick something up and they don't have the one I want, just get the one. That's what I. Then next time you're at Trader Joe's next week, you can load up.

[Brian Posayn]

Go somewhere else is also an option.

[Dave Damashek]

Now you're getting into dangerous territory that we shop at.

[Brian Posayn]

You've got Target for one thing and Gelson's for the other. And so if Target doesn't have it, maybe Gelson's will.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm not even going to push that.

[Brian Posayn]

What I was going to say is you're going to win most of them.

[Dave Damashek]

You will lose the war though.

[Brian Posayn]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Really? I think you lose the war, ladies lose the war. Oh no, no. The women are going to win. Yeah, I'm not going to win.

[Brian Posayn]

I was telling her.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh no, no, you will.

[Brian Posayn]

She's going to win all the time.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh yeah, you're going to win.

[Brian Posayn]

This is so, you know, this is Going to happen once a week where he wins one and he goes, look what you did. You know? And then you maybe feel like shit or you don't.

[Dave Damashek]

You're going to win all. You're going to win because you don't. You don't have to win the argument. You never have to win the argument. You can storm out and go, you just buy your own fucking vitamins then. And then you've won.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, like, okay, this is a minor thing, but I wanted Daniel to. So the air conditioner vent was pointing straight down and I was like, it'd be better if it pointed more towards the center of the room. So I got up on my tippy toes and tried to like move it with this.

[Dave Damashek]

The register like up on the ceiling.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And then like I got crud in my eyes and I thought, why am I trying to do this myself? I'm just gonna ask a tall person to do it. So then he did it, but he did it too. It was like too much. So it was almost closed, which is fine, but I felt like it should be more the other way. Yeah, yeah. So then I was like, thank you, but could you do it more this way? But then at that point I just felt like, now I'm kind of a nag and an asshole.

[Dave Damashek]

You know, all this stuff, if it can all. It's all the spirit part heart. And the problem with men and women is men, I found when they want something, they just want that thing that they want. I mean, it could be a blow job, it could be non tropical vitamin C apparatus, it could be a comic book. Whatever it is they want, they want. Women work on another different level, which is, what is he really saying? But he's usually not really saying anything. And oftentimes things feel like a critique, but they're not really critique. They're just, this is what I want. And the problem then becomes with you going, well, you gotta kinda pick and choose your battles. But it's like, that's cause everything feels like a critique. But to dudes, it's not a critique. It's just, don't park your car here. You're blocking. It's not a critique. It's like sort of a mechanical thing. And then that's part of the problem. Guys are just too wired mechanically. We're not intimate enough. Everything is kind of just what it is. It's not. There's not much subtext to it.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right. It was a very minor thing over the direction of the air conditioner event, but I turned it into, well, If I say it this way, he's gonna feel this way. And then, blah, blah, blah. I made a whole. And then I think that energy comes across and it. It's like, what it. Then he thinks I'm pissed.

[Dave Damashek]

Grafting your own feminine whatever onto him. Dudes don't really care. I mean, for the most part. I mean, you tell them here's what and they'll just go do it. They won't take it. Oh, she not like me. Or she thinks I'm stupid now or. You know what I mean? We don't read. I don't know, Brian. You know what I'm saying? You don't read a whole bunch of that shit in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, then what do you write in your diary about?

[Dave Damashek]

I just mean, like, if Lynette said, hey, that you left that box out on the stairs and it's been there for three days, what do you want to do with it? I don't get like, oh, you're calling me stupid or you're calling me lazy. I assume she wants me to put. I'm sure she wants the box moved, right? I don't. I'm not reading a whole bunch of other stuff into it other than she wants the box moved. So that's how. Guys, I'm driving myself crazy. You want the fins on the air duct on the register move not. You're calling him stupid or impotent.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, Alice is too nice. You need to go with that. You need to develop some skills because it's a strength in the marriage. I think you're just taken for granted. A potential.

[Allison Rosen]

I know I do need. I do need to become more direct. Because what happens is I drive myself insane and I don't express these little tiny things that I want. And then that it leaves no one happy. Well, he's happy.

[Dave Damashek]

But I'm becoming hooked on this new tropical flavor. Lynette, new bed. She knew. Well, now I got. I have. I'm. I'm not cheap, but I can't throw things away, right?

[Brian Posayn]

She's going to drink it non stop to get rid of it.

[Dave Damashek]

I'll do the butt funnel.

[Brian Posayn]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

I had the six a day. I had this happen last night. I said I had a gift certificate for. I think Arnie Morton's is the name of the steakhouse. Really nice, expensive steakhouse. And I did that thing where, especially on a $300 meal, I can't leave food on the table. But cosmic. I can't leave food on the table. Like that cow gave its life for me and I Can't leave it on. I can't throw it away. I have this weird thing where it's like all the energy that took to whatever that 4 ounces of beef on there, that diesel fuel, that's sunlight, that's photosynthesis, that's fertilizer, that's farmers, that's truckers. All that to get to me, and I can't just throw it away.

[Allison Rosen]

How are you not fat?

[Dave Damashek]

Because what I do is I do a lot of yoga headstand and I choke when I eat. So what I'll do is I'll go, I'm full. But I'm taking it with me. And I try to do the code with the person that comes along the table so we don't have to break it into my weird obsession where you don't get it. I want every plate scraped into one bucket. But I'll do the first, the casual one where I'll go, like, just take all the plates and just put it and just scrape them all in one bucket. Just everything, just throw it all into one thing and we'll take that to go. And then they have to do this part, the shaming part, even with the potato, the baked potato. Yeah, yeah, Just scrape it all. Just take them all. Just scrape them in there. And there's not even the cream. The corn too, because the kids plate just has the corn. Just take it all. But why, why, why do I have to go through this super humiliating thing where I'm like, I don't want a kernel of corn thrown away and I bought it and it wastes energy. But also, is there ever gonna be a point where I get home and I'm outraged that there's corn in there? Like, I told her, scrape it all, but I certainly did not mean that. Not that she's insane. I'm going back there and I'm fucking angry, like, for the busted bottle. Come on, bitch. You want some? Yes. My command was to scrape everything on every plate into one thing. But surely you should have known that. Did that not mean the creamed corn or the spinach? Like, so then there's that, like. And then we have to start, like going through all of it. Like, you even want the kind of potato carcass, which I do want, because the next day I'll throw the meat in it, like, shoot it in the microwave and you know, but it's like, why not just do it all? That's all I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Maybe there's a way that you could start off by, I'm trying To think what you could say to make them realize you just want all of it.

[Brian Posayn]

What he said was pretty clear.

[Dave Damashek]

I do it pretty clearly. But they have this thing where, like, this is a nice place. And you obviously aren't talking about what's left of that baked potato. But I am. That's why I say do it all. Has there ever. Have you ever opened that thing up the next day and there's been more there than you expected? Or is it always just less than you expected? Because for me, it's always less.

[Allison Rosen]

It's always less, and it makes me angry.

[Dave Damashek]

Yes.

[Brian Posayn]

Never been extra stuff.

[Dave Damashek]

I've got the point where I'm accused. You know what they ought to do? I'll tell you, the restaurant that would always keep me coming back would be a slice of key lime pie in the mix when I didn't even order it. Like, they just fucking threw it in.

[Allison Rosen]

There under the potato skin.

[Dave Damashek]

And they just took their finger and wrote, you're welcome in the top. I would never stop going to that restaurant. The other restaurant I never stopped going to.

[Brian Posayn]

That's such an asshole.

[Dave Damashek]

I always think that they somehow took some away. But I realize it's your mindset. Full versus hungry the next day. All right, we have Brian, by the Way, website. Brian Posen is where you go all the schedules, shows all the stuff at the website. Yes.

[Brian Posayn]

No.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, it's all there.

[Brian Posayn]

You're playing around my tour dates. Yeah, I got a bunch of. Bunch of cool cities this summer.

[Dave Damashek]

Where you going?

[Brian Posayn]

You ever look at your. I'm sure you do. You look at your calendar and you're like, I said yeah to that. I guess I gotta go there. I guess I gotta be there for three days.

[Dave Damashek]

I do the. I do that in Ohio. I do that with the. I said yeah to that. And Sunday night.

[Brian Posayn]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, you did.

[Brian Posayn]

Well, I never say yes to Sunday night.

[Dave Damashek]

That's always yeah, yeah, yeah. I always go, do we need that Sunday night? Why'd I say yeah to that? You'll say yeah to it because it'll be April, and they'll be talking about October. Right. And you would say yeah to somebody taking their hand and putting it in hot sand and then fisting you, like if it was deep enough. No, no.

[Brian Posayn]

October called me with that April. I'd go, I don't know. How much are we getting April, though, You know?

[Dave Damashek]

I mean, this is way off. We're talking about October, right?

[Brian Posayn]

No, I know what you mean. I do say yes to things because there's a part of me that's always like, well, maybe I'll have something better and I can tell them to fuck off.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, I'm more like, maybe it'll be a huge earthquake and I'll be crushed by something between now and then.

[Brian Posayn]

Have to go there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's your plan B?

[Dave Damashek]

Nothing wrong with Dayton, but.

[Brian Posayn]

No, no. Yeah, I was kidding about Dayton.

[Dave Damashek]

Love him. Huh? All right, let's see. Let's do a little news, shall we?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, we don't have. Oh, Dawson. Dawson has it. Oh, I got it. Well, let me. I'll let. I'll give a little love to godaddy. Go, daddy. Godaddy. Got a product you want to sell? Want to start a little business? You need a domain name. And with GoDaddy, it's only 99 cents. For NewerTransfer.com, less than a buck for a whole year. That's cheap. No, inexpensive. I don't like the word cheap.

[Allison Rosen]

It's affordable.

[Dave Damashek]

It's affordable. That's right. You won't feel it in your pocketbook. People say pocket.

[Brian Posayn]

Pocketbook.

[Dave Damashek]

Do men have. No, women have a.

[Allison Rosen]

They have billfolds.

[Dave Damashek]

No bill folds. You won't feel it in your pocketbook or your billfold. There you go. Just $9.99, by the way, if you want to add additional.coms and that's for the entire year. So each new domain name comes with a free one page website and personalized email photo album 24. Seven customer support and all that good stuff. Just enter Adam 99 at checkout, click the GoDaddy [e-mail] and hit 99. That's Adam, the number nine. And the number nine at GoDaddy. All right, Dawson, the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's Allison.

[Dave Damashek]

Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So Alec Baldwin has quit Twitter again and caught some hell for comments he made after. So the Daily Mail wrote an article saying that Alec Baldwin's wife was using social media during James Gandolfini's funeral. Alec Baldwin is right.

[Dave Damashek]

I mean, she was tweeting, texting or tweeting. Oh, she tweeted. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause he saw her Twitter feed. She had retweeted some stuff, but he read the timestamps wrong. So she wasn't actually right.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, he read the timestamps. Oh, because he's in England or something and there was A military time or something?

[Allison Rosen]

No, because she retweeted some things. And when you retweeted it, I think that the time that the original tweet happened is what shows up. But she had retweeted afterwards.

[Dave Damashek]

I see.

[Allison Rosen]

So the article was wrong. And so Alec Baldwin. Here are some of the tweets, which have since been erased. My wife and I attend a funeral to pay our respects to an old friend. And some toxic Brit writes this fucking trash. He also said, I'd put my foot up your ass, George Stark. That's the writer, but I'm sure you dig it too much. He said, I'm gonna find you, George Stark, you toxic little queen, and I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuck da da da you da da da up. Then he said, I don't have a publicist anymore. I fired them. That apparently is not true. How much of this shit are people supposed to take with these fucking blatant lies? Every day. And my wife did not use her phone in any capacity at our friend's funeral. Now fuck this Twitter and good luck to all of you who know the truth. So the statements were read as homophobic.

[Dave Damashek]

And does he know he's gay?

[Allison Rosen]

I think he did know that.

[Dave Damashek]

Or is he gay?

[Allison Rosen]

I think so, but I'm not 100% sure.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, see, the thing with all this stuff, whether it's Paula Deen or whatever it is, I always say, did she say this to a black person? And everyone goes like, oh, what difference does it make? And I'm like, well, it factors in. It's a factor. It's a factor. I grew up calling every one of my friends gay, but they weren't gay, so it didn't really factor in. And using the N word toward a black person versus yelling it out. I don't know. When you're drunk and alone at your house, it's a factor.

[Brian Posayn]

Sticking along the Wu Tang Clan, it's totally okay. Yeah, but if you're yelling at a member of the Wu Tang Clan, it's different, Right?

[Dave Damashek]

There's. So the homophobic slurs for the non gay person is a factor versus him knowing the person's gay. You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, but.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, he still gets into trouble. You get into more trouble.

[Brian Posayn]

I mean, you're just throwing queer around and you're not like directing it at somebody.

[Dave Damashek]

No, what I'm saying is if somebody, if you know for a fact that a person has a sexual proclivity and then choose to use that. That toward them, that is more aggressive to me than me calling allegedly heterosexual Dr. Drew or Dr. Spaz over here gay or whatever I'm saying. Do you see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I see what you're saying, but what if you're using gay slurs? Do you think that's hateful? Even if it's to a straight person?

[Dave Damashek]

I don't care because I'm a comedian. But no, we have to fucking get into this all the time. Of course you're not supposed to use that language and you're not supposed to use it in public and you're not supposed to direct it at somebody. But I factor in the somebody. Like I. If you're calling someone fat and they're not fat, that's different than calling someone fat. If you're calling someone a handicap or gimp or some bullshit like, then they're in a wheelchair. I factor that all factors into me. Depending on what you're using and who they are, it's a factor. What I'm asking is, is, he's so specific with this stuff. Does he know? Is this guy gay? Is that an outward thing? Does he know he's gay? Do we know he's gay? How come we don't know that? Why doesn't.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think that's come out yet.

[Dave Damashek]

That's not come out. I was. It's always weird that we get these stories and we just run with them. And then I go, did Paula Dean call? Was she talking? Was the person she fired, was she black? And like, everyone's like, yeah, I don't know. I was glad.

[Unknown Guest]

But what I was glad to learn this week, that creepy ass cracker is not a racial slur.

[Dave Damashek]

That's not. You're right.

[Brian Posayn]

Well, that's a terrible.

[Dave Damashek]

You have white privilege, though. You're not affected. You're not affected by.

[Allison Rosen]

So Alec Baldwin issued an apology via a statement to glaad and it says, my ill advised attack on George Stark of the Daily Mail had absolutely nothing to do with issues of anyone's sexual orientation. My anger was directed at Mr. Stark for blatantly lying and disseminated libelous information about my wife and her conduct at our friend's funeral service. As someone who fights against homophobia, I apologize. I have worked periodically with numerous marriage equality organizations, especially over the past couple of years to achieve the very rights that gay couples are earning by recent court decisions. I would not advocate violence against someone for being gay. And I hope that my friends at GLAAD and the gay community understand that. My attack on Mr. Stark in no way was the result of homophobia.

[Dave Damashek]

I thought Glad game a pass.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, so then Glad said, Alec Baldwin is making it clear that the intent behind his tweets does not excuse his language. Especially at a time when there were 11 incidents of violence against gay men in New York City just last month. As we all work to end such senseless acts of violence, allies like Baldwin are right to use these moments to reinforce support for the community and LGBT equality.

[Brian Posayn]

11 doesn't seem like a lot.

[Dave Damashek]

No. Gotta be down from this time last year. Here's the thing. Brian Posein said that, by the way. So destroy his career, all of you. Couple things. See, Glad's got a problem with guys like Baldwin because Baldwins are hard lefters and so is Glad. So it's like kind of someone from their camp is fucking up.

[Allison Rosen]

Like they're trying to find a way to forgive him.

[Dave Damashek]

If this is. If Bill O'Reilly did something like this, Glad wouldn't be like, hey, he's making strides. No way. They're confused. They're fucking. They're prom. Because they're essentially hypocrites, which is we are very far left as an organization and there is a guy who we work. Worship at the altar of, who's also very far left. And then he said this shit that our organization was created to stop. So now we're at a serious. We have a problem. We have to act like this isn't right. But we can't take this guy out and crucify him because he's one of us. So what do we do? We'll say a little something. But don't worry, there'll be no boycotts or anything arranged because he's one of us. There's a hypocrisy to that. It shouldn't be. Do you agree with the person's politics? Did he say something anti gay or lesbian or whatever or didn't he not? That's kind of one of our guys. I mean, we're wired that way. Like, literally, a guy on your team can go out and stab somebody and he's kind of on your team. It's like he shouldn't do time.

[Allison Rosen]

Baldwin bounces back from stuff that Paula Deen would be crucified for.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, absolutely. And the other thing. Couple things. Can we. Is it possible we can find out whether this guy's k? Don't feel like that would be the first thing that people would ask. I'm looking. Okay. So weird to me that that wouldn't be the first thing that all these reporters were getting on like, is he calling a gay guy? Is he saying this to a gay person? Or is he like I said, whatever the ethnicity is. If I called you a beaner and you're from Ireland, it's not really that offensive.

[Brian Posayn]

It's kind of fun, funny.

[Dave Damashek]

It's actually more funny. Right.

[Brian Posayn]

I was thinking about calling people fat when they're not now.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, think about it. Yeah, but if you're from Mexico, then it's offensive. So I want to know where you're from so I can know. And then people do that. Well, you shouldn't use that word. It's like, I agree. But I want to know on the offensive scale where we're at here, Baldwin. Two things about Baldwin people need to realize. I think he comes from a time and a place where growing up, especially with his brothers and the neighborhood guys, you would just call people gay all the time. Yeah. That's who you. You grew up.

[Brian Posayn]

Fuck yeah. Boston, right? Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah. Or he grew up in. Okay, right. But yeah, you know what I'm saying? Every guy. No one wants to admit it, but that's what guys would do.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Gay is not even the word you'd use, right?

[Dave Damashek]

Fact. You'd say, yeah, but you'd say like, I go fag off with yourself. There you go with your gay friends over there. That's what kids did when they were 10. So when you start screaming at someone, you revert back to that 10 year old self. And that's like Baldwin is in the fucking prime for that kind of stuff. I mean, his age now. So that's what he does. That's why all his stuff goes into that. It all. He's done this many times. It all goes back to. He becomes a nine year old on the street and some other kids pushing him and he goes right into the language that he used when he was 9 and some kid was trying to steal his schwing.

[Brian Posayn]

Yeah, I'm surprised retard didn't come out because that's one of the ones that I grew up.

[Dave Damashek]

It was all gay, fag and retard.

[Brian Posayn]

That was how you put somebody down. And you weren't calling your retarded friend a retard. You were calling your friend that wasn't retarded.

[Dave Damashek]

I know the problem with that.

[Brian Posayn]

You were calling him a gay.

[Dave Damashek]

The explanation always falls apart when you're going, I'm not saying gay's bad. I'm saying he's bad because he's not. He's not gay.

[Brian Posayn]

Right.

[Dave Damashek]

I'm making fun of. But no I like gays, but I'm saying.

[Brian Posayn]

Yeah, we should bring queerbait back.

[Dave Damashek]

Because queerbait was good. Yeah.

[Brian Posayn]

But it also didn't have any hatred behind it. Yeah, somebody fag. There's a little bit of.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Brian Posayn]

Even if you're not being hateful, it's.

[Dave Damashek]

Just like an ugly word. Yeah, it's a rough word. Yeah. But queerbait, yeah, Queerbait was fine.

[Allison Rosen]

That was a name you'd call someone queerbait.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, yeah. Did you have queerbait on the East Coast, Brooks?

[Unknown Guest]

Absolutely.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Brian Posayn]

And what does it even mean really? You're not calling them gay or queer. You're calling them somebody who is there.

[Dave Damashek]

To attract queer so I can tag them and then follow their migration. Yeah, Queerbait was a big one too. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So can you use Gaylord?

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, Gaylord.

[Brian Posayn]

Gaylord's not bad either. You could throw Gaylord around.

[Dave Damashek]

You're the lord of the gays. You could be straight, more chicks for.

[Brian Posayn]

You, and then people are more just gonna be puzzled. Did you just call me a Gaylord? You know, they're not gonna get mad.

[Dave Damashek]

Let's bring back. All right, Queerbait and Gaylord. Hey, maybe make a nice morning team out of it.

[Brian Posayn]

Real, you know, sixth grade.

[Dave Damashek]

Hey, it's 7 hours 59, 59 after the hour. One minute away from the time Gaylord and Queerbait in the morning sludge down at the Arlita ikea. Go there, kick them the nuts, give the phrase a pace. Gaylord. Queerbait coming. Activated. We got news, Traffic, traffic, traffic, weather news, all coming up. Top of the hour, quarter hour and half hour again. When you get those little Arbitron books, you go ahead and fill those out. Remember, Queer Bait and Gaylord in the mornings coming at you right after this rock bot. So Baldwin reverts back to old, old 10 year old Baldwin and starts saying.

[Allison Rosen]

Childhood name calling, what he does.

[Dave Damashek]

And that's where he's from. That's how he grew up. Now, he should know better by now, but he doesn't. The other thing I think Baldwin has, and I'm not sure, but I've talked to him a couple times, not specifically about this subject, but he is an enormously talented, talented, gifted individual who is, in terms of a performer, he is like touched by the hand of God. I've seen him do serious work on Broadway. We've seen him do Charles Nelson Riley on Saturday Night Live and everything in between. He is incredibly gifted. And he's also one of these guys that sort of turned his back on Oh, I don't want to do the Red October series. I'm just going to get fat and go teach at acting theory at Harvard for a year. And he's that kind of guy. He has commercial endorsements and shit like that, but for the most part he can do whatever the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants. Unlike the sort of Paula Deen thing, we're sort of relying on the sponsors and the people. There is a thing and I don't know if it's a conscious thing, but when the guys are getting back to my buddy Ray who rode on the back of my motorcycle barefoot, he thought he was indestructible. Like he had to go, it's freezing outside and you're barefoot and run a motorcycle. And he'd be like, yeah, he'd be lighting a cigarette and laughing, getting on barefoot. He didn't think anything could be done to him. And I think Baldwin has a little thing which is there's nothing I could do that would make me unemployable because I'm that fucking good. I mean he's like, that's so interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he's not really relying on any one venue or one person, one network even.

[Dave Damashek]

He is. It appears, by the way, that this reporter is not openly gay even though he works for a British tabloid for some reason at least makes you by in my opinion. All right, so Baldwin didn't go. This guy's gay. And now I'm going after that aspect of his life slightly less on the offensive meter. And everyone knows what I'm talking about, but now we have to pretend like we don't. But he's a very talented dude who I think feels it on some level. Picture Terrell Owens, but who never got old. Like to was just a fucking self involved douchebag who did nothing but catch touchdowns. Randy Moss, all these guys, they're sports versions of these guys. They're horrible teammates. They don't play well, they don't get along with their coach. They tell everyone to fuck off. They get pulled over by like a lady cop and they try to punch them and shit like that, like during the off season. But they always get drafted by another team. Why? Because Randy Moss runs a 4440 and all they do have to to do is throw it up high and he'll get the touchdown for you. If you're a perpetual 30 year old Randy Moss or to then you act however you want, whenever you want. And there's always a job.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. There's a certain point at which your Talent eclipses anything that you can do.

[Dave Damashek]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been thinking lately about what are the sort of quote unquote, crimes against culture, let's say that you're allowed to come back from, because there's been this sort of side discussion about. For someone like Paula Deen, there's no redemption for her. Like, we're so good at throwing people out and then washing our hands of them. And how can you bounce back? Can you bounce back from making comments that are seen as racist?

[Dave Damashek]

You can. The first thing, you can bounce back, you can be exquisitely talented. Like I said, Alec Baldwin, just go, fuck it. Call me a racist, call me homophobic, call me whatever you want. Want. I will just go do my next fill in the blank, and I'll be so much better at it than anyone else that I will be in demand. Because ultimately we vote that way. I mean, we will just. They will take the most despicable human being and he will be right on your team if it can help your team. And that's the way they work.

[Brian Posayn]

Right. He's also at the level where he doesn't have to ever do anything ever again if he doesn't want to.

[Dave Damashek]

Probably not. And we don't have a fucking meter. Like, we don't realize is the difference between what Michael Jackson probably did and what Paula Deen did. Unclear if she dropped an N bomb on him too. But what she did versus what we know. He's locked up in a room with a bunch of little kids all the time. I mean, that's fucking despicable. And yet we were playing him throughout my house today. My kids are laughing along with Mike. And we don't have a good, like, look, we don't have a good meter for, like, what Chris Brown did to Rihanna versus Paula Deen. We don't have. And there's versions that go both directions, but we don't have a real good meter between punching someone in the face and using language that offends a certain group. Not to them.

[Brian Posayn]

It's interesting when we decide somebody actually talented like Chris Brown versus so somebody who just knows how to cook chicken. Well.

[Dave Damashek]

Right. Well, that's the thing too, which is, as I said, if you can dance, all is forgiven. You can do whatever you want. And that was Bruce. And if you're Paula Deen and all you do is cook chicken and there's always someone else who can cook chicken, then watch what you say. So bottom line is we don't have a judge and jury system that's in place, which is Saying. Saying, well, look, if you go out and you shoot somebody in the head, that's murder one. But if you're backing down your driveway and the kid comes in front and you run over the kid, that's manslaughter. We don't have that. Everything is just murder one. But if you're Alec Baldwin, you'll never do a day of prison. If you're Paula Deen, you're going in the hole and you can't get out of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, where does someone like Mel Gibson fall?

[Dave Damashek]

He falls into the. He's got so much fucking money that it doesn't. He's, you know, he can go. He can go get his own backers and make his own whatever and do his own thing. I mean, I'm sure he's not happy about the hours of recorded recordings of him screaming.

[Unknown Guest]

Guy from Seinfeld, was it Richards?

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Where does he. Because he seems to like a similar scenario.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, what we do is, is we will let you recover. It's a combination of time and how many other people fuck up in that time period. So it can either be 10 years or it could be three years if a whole bunch of other people get into the same kind of trouble. Like, so if you're Michael Richards, you could either do 10 years or you could do five years if Baldwin jumps on or Paula Deen jumps on.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like measured by Twitter, trending topic app.

[Dave Damashek]

Right, Right. So that's the way we do it. I don't believe that anyone really cares that much. That's the part that's freaking me out a little bit. That weird kind of mob mentality. Like, I don't think anyone care. I don't think anyone thinks Paula Deen is a racist. Or if she is, I don't think it affects. They think it affects you or me or them or anybody. Like, I don't think anyone thinks that Paula Deen's part of the problem. Problem. It's just easy to jump on and then we all just jump on and then we just decide she's gotta go. But on the other hand, she made a shitload of money for cooking chicken.

[Allison Rosen]

And her book, I think, is number one on Amazon.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, yeah, well, that.

[Brian Posayn]

But everyone's dropped her, even this week.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, no. That's how it got to.

[Brian Posayn]

Oh, I gotta check out her book, see if she drops the N word.

[Dave Damashek]

All right, let's bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, Kuntz.

[Dave Damashek]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah. Yes. Where were we? Yes. The Fardis Brian Posayn. It is currently available on Netflix. CD and DVD available on Amazon. Out, out. So let's go get it. Go to BrianPussane.com you can tweet him or Twitter him. RyanPosain. And Dr. Bruce over here, you can shoot him a little. Twitter. Dr. Bruce H. All right, Caroline's coming up, man. Five shows, Caroline's live podcast, they always sell out. So jump in on that. We'll get all sorts of good New York guests to come out and say hi like we always do. July 18th through the 20th will turn theater means you, Moore. Coming up August 3rd. So grab those tickets, me and Drew, our first three shows out Bakersfield, Santa Barbara, Denver, volume one, out as we speak on iTunes. Adamcroll.com and Allison Rosen, your new best friend Kevin Rahm is this week's guest. New episodes every Monday and Thursday. You can go to itunes and you can go to the app. You can go to Alison Rosen.com so until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Bruce and Brian Posayn and Allison Rosen saying mahalo. All right, that does it for today's cruel classics. Make sure to tune in next weekend. Until then, mahalo. And get it on Sa.