Eli Roth + John Popper (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Eli Roth + John Popper (Carolla Classics)

Date: October 3, 2025
Summary by [Podcast Summarizer]

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics) features a lively blend of classic live performances, banter, and interviews with notable guests from previous years, including director Eli Roth and musician John Popper (Blues Traveler). The episode revisits a benefit event held at Adam’s Malibu home with musical performances and candid conversations among Adam, John Popper, Michael “Fitz” Fitzpatrick (Fitz and the Tantrums), Howie Mandel, and more. The second half highlights an interview with Eli Roth discussing his films and the creative process, punctuated by the show’s trademark irreverence and wit.

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1. Live at Malibu Benefit: Performances, Reflections, and Music Industry Insights

Segment: [01:26] – [29:09]

Setting the Stage

• Adam introduces a benefit event at his Malibu home supporting Children’s Hospital, featuring a stellar line-up: Susanna Hoffs, John Popper, Michael Fitzpatrick, and Fitz and the Tantrums.
• Adam’s opening monologue sets the irreverent, energetic tone:

  “If you like music, entertainment, life… put your hot dog down—pick up your Mangria, and make your way down to the loge here… Susanna Hoffs will blow you away with her sound and humble beauty.” — Adam ([03:19])

Performance: Susanna Hoffs

• Hoffs delivers an acoustic set, including “A Hazy Shade of Winter,” impressing the crowd and earning praise for her solo abilities.

Conversation: Michael Fitzpatrick (Fitz and the Tantrums)

Topic: Authenticity and Artistic Growth

• Both Adam and Fitz examine the challenge artists face in resisting outside pressures to cater to audience expectations or commercial demands:

  “Nobody artistically should think about what people want from them… when you start curtailing it to that audience, you end up with kind of a minivan.” — Adam ([12:11]) “You’ve got to be brave enough to take those chances… we could have made a really safe record… but at least you can feel proud that you evolved.” — Fitz ([11:37])

Topic: Growing Up in LA and Its Impact

• Adam and Fitz riff on the unique “asshole all-star team” that Los Angeles produces, with native Angelenos tending to be more grounded.

  “I've always thought… LA is like an international asshole all-star team.” — Adam ([16:32])

Topic: Finding Your Voice and Artistic Path

• Fitz reflects on his late-blooming musical career and feeling grateful for success achieved with maturity:

  “I spent most of my adult life pounding the pavement in LA, couldn't get arrested as a musician… I truly let it [the dream] go completely in my soul, and it actually started to happen.” — Fitz ([21:06]) “People that make it a little later in life, the cement has dried in their brain… all the people that have the success later on in life… you just are who you are.” — Adam ([25:37])

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2. John Popper: On Stage & In Conversation

Segment: [30:05] – [64:57]

Performance: John Popper and Blues Traveler

• Acoustic songs from John Popper delight attendees, with Adam and Fitz praising Popper’s harmonica mastery and underappreciated singing.

Conversation: John Popper (Blues Traveler)

Topic: Musicianship vs. Public Perception

• Adam notes Popper’s virtuosity on the harmonica can overshadow his strong, soulful vocals:

  “His problem with his career is his voice is amazing… but he’s so good on the harmonica that his voice gets a backseat.” — Adam ([14:49])

Life as a Working Musician

• Popper recounts the odd, roundabout journey to success—starting harmonica late, bouncing through schools, and only finding his calling after feeling like a misfit.

  “The harmonica, I was good at right away… my parents said, well, that's a nice hobby, but you're gonna have to get a degree.” — Popper ([74:03]) “If you've heard of them, they've made it… You don't realize how many bands there are.” — Adam ([28:06])

Tales from the Road

• Popper shares anecdotes of playing with other bands, the strange random encounters that come with touring, and the long, hard work to “critical mass.”
• The segment is peppered with self-deprecating humor, warmth, and a shared sense among guests that “late” or hard-won success engenders gratitude and humility.

Notable Quotes:

• (On LA's industry kids):

  “I had my own private yarmulke collection… I was this skinny Catholic kid who just wanted to be Jewish so badly.” — Fitz ([18:51])

• (On performing):

  “Once on the tracks, you're just on for the ride of your life.” — Popper ([60:39])

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3. Howie Mandel Joins: Mental Health and Mangria Revelations

Segment: [34:02] – [56:55]

Topic: Mental Health, OCD, and Work

• Howie, surprisingly buzzed on Adam’s Mangria, speaks candidly about coping with OCD, anxiety, and his constant need to stay busy:

  “If I take a minute and don't do anything, then I have to deal with me. And I do anything not to deal with me.” — Howie Mandel ([39:21]) “I'm so aware of how fucked up I am. Ignorance is bliss. I wish I was more blissful.” — Howie Mandel ([39:51])

• Adam reframes Mandel’s self-perception, arguing that functioning with issues—and making the effort to maintain relationships and career—deserves recognition:

  “You're one of the nicest… best looking… physically fit [people]… You're all there.” — Adam ([43:16], [54:07])

Humor and Humanity

• The conversation deftly weaves in humor, as Howie Mandel jokes about Mangria’s compatibility with Zoloft and rambles in wine-induced honesty, while Adam offers both playful insults and genuine support.

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4. Eli Roth in Studio: Filmmaking, Tech, and Horror as Metaphor

Segment: [133:45] – [155:41]

Topic: Aftershock & Evolution of Filmmaking Technology

• Eli Roth discusses his film Aftershock, shooting on low-cost DSLR cameras, and how digital tech has democratized indie filmmaking.

  “The camera literally cost $2,500… things like Avid, Final Cut, the sound mixing, all that stuff that used to be so expensive is so cheap now.” — Eli Roth ([138:33])

• Adam posits that while democratization allows more voices, the “flood” of low-quality work is inevitable. Roth counters that the “cream still rises.”

  “It's exciting… makes everyone step their game up. Sometimes in that flood of shit you get one diamond.” — Eli Roth ([139:35])

Horror as Moral Laboratory

• Allison probes Roth about the symbolic intent of his horror; Roth explains Aftershock is about societal collapse and moral choices under pressure:

  “Aftershock was about the collapse of society… the fragility of what we have… all about moral choices.” — Eli Roth ([157:25])

• He describes using true disaster stories as inspiration for terror and catharsis, linking genre to parable.

On Tarantino and Material vs. Talent

• Roth and Adam heap praise on Quentin Tarantino’s writing—and Christoph Waltz’s ability—highlighting that great material unlocks great performances:

  “If Tarantino is never born, Christoph Waltz is doing local [TV]… doing the best he can with material being provided by a hack, but the material’s the real difference.” — Adam ([151:26]) “[Quentin] never takes an easy way out… he squeezes that part of his brain.” — Eli Roth ([155:44])

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5. Comedy Interludes, Culture Riffs, and Show Highlights

Throughout the Episode

• On Service Dogs: Adam and Brad Williams riff on absurdities in social accommodation, as Brad describes a flight where the cabin lights couldn’t be dimmed because a passenger’s “service dog” was afraid of the dark ([97:54]).
• On Black People Sneezing: Adam launches a recurring humorous aside about never having seen a Black person sneeze, pondering cultural and genetic differences with delightfully uncomfortable banter ([185:01]).
• Bathroom Etiquette Anecdotes: The episode closes with Adam’s hilarious story of the perils and logistics of needing to “go” in a public place, deftly combining physical comedy with social awkwardness ([190:38]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps):

• “If you’ve heard of them, they’ve made it… You don’t realize how many bands there are.” — Adam ([28:06])
• “I'm so fucked up. Not, I don't mean. I'm not talking about drunk… If I take a minute and don't do anything, then I have to deal with me.” — Howie Mandel ([39:21])
• “Nobody artistically should think about what people want from them… you just become a big beige blob of shit.” — Adam ([12:11])
• “His problem with his career is his voice is amazing… but he’s so good on the harmonica that his voice gets a backseat.” — Adam ([14:49])
• “[Quentin] never takes the easy way out… he squeezes that part of his brain.” — Eli Roth ([155:44])
• “Aftershock was about the collapse of society, the fragility of what we have… all about moral choices.” — Eli Roth ([157:25])

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:26] – Malibu Benefit Live: intros, crowd banter, overview
• [03:32] – Susanna Hoffs live performance
• [09:36] – Adam & Michael Fitzpatrick: On musicianship and audience pressure
• [13:41] – LA music scene and growing up in LA
• [30:05] – John Popper performance, discussion of harmonica mastery
• [34:02] – Howie Mandel on OCD, mental health, humor
• [56:55] – John Popper, post-performance discussion
• [133:45] – Eli Roth segment: filmmaking, horror as metaphor, Tarantino

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Tone and Content

The episode is fast-paced, witty, and highly self-aware—loaded with Adam’s signature rants and comic exaggeration, yet grounded in candid talk of mental health, struggle, and the creative journey. The banter with guests like Howie Mandel and Eli Roth is loose, authentic, and surprisingly vulnerable. Musical guests and their performances serve as both entertainment and springboards for deeper conversations about art, fame, and authenticity in a cynical world.

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Takeaways for New Listeners

This Carolla Classics episode serves as a microcosm of Adam Carolla’s podcasting style: blunt, playful, poignant, and deeply human. The conversations are equally likely to veer toward the absurd (bathroom and allergy anecdotes) and sincere (artistic insecurity, mental health, gratitude for success). Listeners will come away entertained—and perhaps with a deeper appreciation for the grit behind artistic achievement.

Transcript

[Allison Rosen]

Audible's Romance Collection has something to satisfy every side of you when it comes to what kind of romance you're into. You don't have to choose just one fancy a dalliance with a duke or maybe a steamy billionaire. You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field. And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm. Discover modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood, the latest Romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Rebecca Yarros, plus Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, and of course, all the really steamy stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Your first great love story is free.

[Allison Rosen]

When you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery that's audible.com wondery.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to cruel Classics.

[John Popper]

I'm your whole superfan, Giovanni.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the podcast where we play.

[John Popper]

The best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of.

[Adam Carolla]

The Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Carolla.

[John Popper]

Classics available ad free exclusively through Podcast one. Check it out and if you'd like to find ad free archives of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr.

[John Popper]

Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure to check out Adam Carolla's [e-mail] and if you'd like to request a.

[John Popper]

Clip, please email us classics atomcurolla.com now on to the clips coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

First we have Adam Carolla Show 1071.

[John Popper]

Featuring Howie Mandel, John Popper, Susanna Hoffs, Fits in the Tantrums. This was from Adam's live event in Malibu. The first one he did was called Shakespeare. That was really early on in the podcast and this was the follow up event they did.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a really cool event. I was there.

[John Popper]

I was a little overcast, like perfectly overcast. It wasn't too hot.

[Adam Carolla]

All the bands played live. It was really cool music. Overall, cool vibes. Adam like going on the perimeter as.

[John Popper]

He always kind of did around these events, taking pictures with everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Super fun.

[John Popper]

Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from the Corolla home in Malibu, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest tonight, Howie Mandel, John Popper, Michael Fitz Fitzpatrick from Fitz in the Tantrums. Plus performances by Susanna Hoffs, John Popper and Chan Kinslop and Fitz and the Tantrums. And now to his liver every day is Cinco de Mayo. Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate get it on. Thank you so much for coming out here and supporting our friends in the children's hospital. And you folks who can hear my voice back on the level one of the property may want to start making your way down here because Susanna Hoffs is going to be here just a matter few. And I heard her practicing, tuning, playing, sound checking about an hour ago and just sounded absolutely unbelievable. So like I said, if you're up top and you're not down, let's say let's take all the tops and turn them into power bottoms just for the next couple of. Couple of moments. And John Popper's back there as well. He's reclining in the guest house. He's a large man with the blanket on top of him, but he'll be ready to rock. Fitz and the tantrums are here as well, so we have that to look forward to. So a really exciting day. And again, I want to thank you guys all for coming out here and supporting a really good cause. Dawson did a fantastic job with the sound. I want to thank Charles and Chris Maxapata and Gary and all the flunkies. You flunkies, know who you are, give yourselves a hand for doing an unbelievable job of getting this great stage from the street 250 yards back to the back of this property, where I'm standing on it as we speak. Again, if you like music, if you like entertainment, if you like life, want to probably put your hot dog down and I don't mean that as a metaphor, and pick up your Mangria and make your way down to the the loge here, the Lido deck, as we like to call it over here at the Corolla Manor and enjoy. Susannah Hoffs, who's like I said, absolutely will blow you away with not only her sound, but her beauty, her humble beauty, because she's like me. She's hot, but she doesn't know it. And that's what makes her so hot. Yeah, I want to thank all the sponsors that were able to make this happen and I'd name them all, but I don't know their names, but they did a fantastic job. All the food trucks and all the booze trucks and all the booze carts, you guys to go ahead and get your buzz on, but please get a designated driver. We don't need any Reese Witherspoon action going on tonight. I don't want any of you throwing up, yelling, do you know who I am? So now Susanna, are you. You Ready? All right, well, we'll come on up and get your guitar in place. And again, thank you guys all for showing up. And please, again, let's not be uptight, let's not be snobs, let's not be prudes. Let's work it up. I want to start a mosh pit. Here's what I'm saying. Like, I want. I want people doing the ska move and throwing elbows. I want to see some broken noses and some bloody lips because we're going to tear this shit up today. Okay? All right? So without any further ado, the great Susanna Hoffs, everybody. Time, time, time. See what's become of me when it turns around for my possibilities I work so hard to please Brown and the sky is a hazy shade of winter Here the Salvation army down by the riverside Is bound to be better than what you've got blood Carry a cup in your hand round these brown and the sky is a hazy shed of winter Hang on to your hopes my friends that's me Easy to say but if your should pass away Simply pretend that that you can never again.

[Eli Roth]

Grass.

[Adam Carolla]

Is high feels you're right it's the springtime of my life Ah, seasons change with the scenery we're entitled street won't you stop by Drinking my vodka and lime is brown and the sky is a hazy shadow Lift her, Look around leaves are brown There's a patch of snow on the ground look around, leaves are brown There's a patch of snow on the ground. Thank you so much. The great Susanna Hoff. She sounded absolutely unbelievable. Michael Fitz Fitzpatrick here. Fitz and the Tantrums. I tell people all the time, but you tell me if you. If this works with you or not. People are always a little surprised when people from pop groups sound good like on their own doing acoustic sets. And I usually say we're really jaded and cynical. But they're good. That's why we know their names for the most part. Like when Hanson comes in and doesn't an acoustic set. Hanson sounds good.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Oh yeah. I mean I actually know those guys and me and my bass player did a little guest session on their last record that just came out. But there those guys have been playing for as a band for 20 plus years now. I mean they're right, you know. Pop music is not a dirty word, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

But don't you feel like we're all just evil hat troll, hatrel. That's the Mangria speaking. Hate filled, horrible people that just have to point a finger at everyone all the time and Go. Oh, come on. Hanson sucks. You know, they suck. You know, the. Soon. As soon as they get rid of the, you know, they're lip syncing everything. And like, we always do this rounding down thing.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

I think, you know, it's a weird thing about American society. And I think even for fits in the tantrums, you know, we have a new record come out and I can tell that people, you know, there's certain.

[Adam Carolla]

People more than just a dream, by the way. May 7th, that's just around the corner.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

And, you know, it's weird. You know, we went from being on an independent label to being on a major label, and all of a sudden people are like, you know, we recorded that well before that. We even changed labels. But people are like, oh, see what happens when you go to a major? They've gone corporate, they're mainstream. And it's like, no, we just actually, you know, went in and made a record that. That we wanted to make and, you know, you might or might not like it. But at the end of the day, that's the weird thing. When you're a musician, you're making music for yourself, and then all of a sudden you make it and it gets out to the world, and all of sudden you have to think about what your fans may or may not want.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

But that's not actually the primary way that a musician makes music. You're making music to express yourself and to purge yourself of whatever good or bad feelings you have within you. You know, so it's sort of a weird shift in all of a sudden having to think about.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, nobody artistically should think about what people want from them. Like, if you're painting houses for a living, then you should ask what color they want the room painted or the trim painted. But if you're doing portraits or you're just painting, then you should be painting for yourself.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Absolutely. You know, and that means you might be. You know, you have. I mean, the intense thing about being an artist and making things that you put out in the world is you're opening yourself up to judgment and criticism, you know, but at the same time, you got to be brave enough to take those chances. For us, we could have made this really safe record that was like picking up the pieces, which was our first record, or we could have done what we did, which was take chances. And I think that made us all a little, you know, nervous and a lot of sleepless nights. But at least you can feel proud that you evolved and you did what you wanted to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, as A comedian. I always had my program directors on KROC explain to me, like, stop talking about this and stop talking about that because you're not identifying with your audience. Meaning Your audience are 15 year olds and they're into snowboarding and you're complaining about flying first class. And so you're going to alienate your audience. And I was like, I don't care who my audience is. I'm just going to complain about what I'm going to complain about. And I don't know, any artistic endeavor that got any better when a bunch of people got involved and said, here's what you need to sing about, here's what you need to complain about, here's what you need to talk about. It'll be your job as a musician to make music that people want to consume. It'll be my job as a comedian to tell stories that people want to consume. But whenever you start curtailing it to that audience, you end up with kind of a minivan, you know, where you go like, it's got to get good mileage. It's got to be sensible. The mom's got to like it, the husband's got to like, it's got to fit eight. It's got it. Then you just become a big beige blob of shit.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Yeah, I mean, I totally agree. I think, you know, it's like they could tell you not to talk about those things on the air, but that's what sort of defined your, your point of view, you know, and why water that down and change that into something that you're not? I mean, obviously it's like, I mean, I grew up here, so I've been listening to you forever. It's like you do you, you know, so why try and get you on the air and make you be something else?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I, I concur with you on me, by the way. We're now just to set the stage, we're sitting in my guest house, which is in Malibu, and Susannah Hawes from the Bengals just went up and did a really killer set. And I think John Popper, who you can probably hear in the background warming up, just warming up, who's just, you know, think about John Popper, that I always say. I, I love him as a, as a guy because he just has a great sense of humor, but totally. And as a sort of virtuoso on the harmonica, which is, you don't, you don't see that often. I mean, you don't see someone master an instrument. Like he has utterly mastered that Harmonica. But the thing I really like about John is he, his, his. Really, his problem with his career is his voice is pretty amazing. Like, he has a really good singing voice and he has some really great songs, but he's so good on the harmonica that his voice gets sort of always takes kind of second backseat right.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

To his harmonica playing.

[Adam Carolla]

Harmonica playing. But if you hear the guy sing, he really has a unique, incredible voice.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

I mean, we played with them, I think it was last 4th of July. We did a show opening up for them at Red Rocks, which they do years, their tradition.

[Adam Carolla]

And what a venue.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

I mean, you know, he is a badass. A badass vocally. I mean, obviously, like, you know, singing, you know, playing harmonica is, you know, what people really know him for. But he's equally an incredible singer, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And has a great sense of humor and just. Just a great guy. And I have to say, Fitz, I'm flattered that you guys came out because I knew John and I knew Susanna and I knew some of the other people that were coming out here and showing their faces. Howie Mandel's in the next room and people like that. But I didn't have a relationship with you guys, so I was flattered and surprised that you guys said, oh, I.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Mean, please, for us, you know, it's like, it's for a great cause and like, we might not know each other, but I know you because I. Like I said we were talking about this earlier. Being LA natives, it's not often that you actually find people. I always say the people that actually aren't assholes in LA are the ones that actually grew up here.

[Adam Carolla]

It's an interesting point.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

We're the ones that grew up and we've seen people rise and fall in a town where you basically have every egomaniac from the whole entire world descending on one city to make it. You gotta. You gotta weed through a lot of BS to find your solid core of people. Your posse, your friends, you know, And I feel like for me, it took me a good half of my life to find that in this city.

[Adam Carolla]

I've always thought and always said that LA is like an asshole all star team, like an international asshole all star team. If you're from Cleveland and you're an asshole, you come to LA like you're, you know, humble and simple and charitable. You stay in Cleveland.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Like, I mean, other cities really should thank us because we're kind of the purgers of the assholes from every city.

[Adam Carolla]

They. Yeah, we're like.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

We're the magnet.

[Adam Carolla]

We're the liver. We filter out all the assholes. Like whatever city you're in, the top 10% douchebag assholes, go. I'm moving to LA. I'm going to stake my claim. So it's this sort of free for all city where everyone is just out here to do something. But it's not say hi to you or say come again or thank you very much. And I've always joked about the fact that Dr. Drew is the only other celebrity. It's weird that we're hooked up, but he's from Pasadena, I'm from North Hollywood. I know you went to school right up the street from where I went to school. That was. It was a crazy. Even though they were 150 yards apart, they could have been a million miles apart. You went to a private school. I went to North Hollywood High. Literally 150 yards down Magnolia Boulevard there was Oakwood. And that was like artistically very different. Right. Were your parents, did they see something in you or were they artistic? Did they know something?

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Well, I was super lucky. My parents were. My dad ran a university, calarts, California Institute the Arts, up in. Right near Magic Mountain. And so I've always been very fortunate to be exposed. But the thing about that school that was really like the industry kids school. So I was like kind of the odd man out. I know it's like 98% Jewish and all industry kids. You know, you had the Fonz dropping his kid off and you had, you know, Gary Marshall's kids. It was like nothing but industry. And then right here I was this kid that just went to like 60, 70 bar mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs and was like the skinny Catholic kid who just like wanted to be Jewish so badly, who, you know, I had my own private yarmulke collection.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

You know, I was sort of the odd man out at that school. But, you know, it was also an incredible school for, you know, they had lots of extracurricular art programs. And then I left there and I went to high school for the arts, which was even.

[Adam Carolla]

They have a high school, so. So what people don't understand about living in Los Angeles is you physically cannot attend certain schools. I mean, certain schools are just warehouses and I'm rounding up to warehouse. They're almost jailhoused. So if you want your kid to get an education, especially anything artistic whatsoever, you're gonna have to find a private school for that kid to go to. And this school was its own little sort of island. It was ironic that it was right in the middle of North Hollywood because there was nothing artistic going on around it. Later on, NoHo, at least now they're.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Trying to bill it as NoHo.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But back then it was just know nothing and it was Magnolia Boulevard, the freeway and, you know, North Hollywood park with Amelia Earhart leaning against her propeller and a nice statue of her. And if you wanted your kids to have an education, you'd have to send them somewhere. But you then went from there to Performing Arts.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Yeah. Which was the first public arts high school in all of la. But it wasn't just la, it was LA county, which LA county is like you could drive two miles in any direction and that's still LA County.

[Adam Carolla]

So what do you study in the Performing Arts?

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Well, you had to audition for one of their different, different sections. And I studied, you know, audition as a singer and got in there as a singer and that's what I spent my time. You know, half of the day was academic and half the day was your art major. So I spent half the day, every day studying music, singing in choirs.

[Adam Carolla]

When do you know you can sing? Like, at what age do you go, I can sing.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

For me, it was never even a thought or question, just either you can or you can't sort of ability. And I was always a singer, I'm sure much to the bane of my dad's, you know, sanity. I was just singing non stop my whole entire life, you know, and I went there and was in school. It's the first time I was in the school that was like a truly diverse school where there was black kids, kids, Hispanic kids, there was all kinds. You know, I've gone from this very sheltered private school to, you know, being in this very broad spectrum school where like I was driving my mom's old beat up station wagon and that was a big deal to even like have a car at all in the, in the class. And these kids were like amazing singers. You had kids with growing full beards singing, you know, like Luther Vandross. And I was this like little skinny white boy with his voice changing and, you know, it was definitely an intimidating place. And it was only, you know, I went to film school after that and it was only sort of in my mid-20s that I sort of finally found my voice and believed in myself enough to try and actually do music as a career. But, you know, I spent most of my adult life pounding the payment in la. I couldn't get arrested as a musician. I played every crappy nightclub, every Viper Room, every pay to play at the whiskey, all that stuff. And, you know, the trippy thing about this band for me is that it happened when I was a little bit older, you know, and was literally the moment where I sort of had given up on my dream, like, five times over, right? And then it was right when I finally, like, truly let it go completely in my soul that it actually started to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this. It's. It's weird. You know, I always say to people, it's sort of like artistic or even sense of humor is like saying, he's athletic. But people are like, what's your sport? And you go, I don't know what my sport is. I'm athletic. Like, I'm good athletically. And they go, was it basketball? And you go, maybe not. And they go, is it baseball? And you go, I don't know. So it's like you have this. You're artistic. Like, you have an ability. You have an artistic ability. But does that lend itself to writing? Does it lend itself to playing an instrument? Does it lend itself to being a lead frontman for band? What kind of music do you play once you're fronting that band? So for me, it was always like, I have a sense of humor. So people, like, stand up. No writing. No. It's like, well, what do you do then? Well, I have a sense of humor. So it's like. I always say, it's like. It's like if somebody just took Michael Jordan and they said, you're athletic. But it's like, what if he tried tennis? What if he tried hockey? Like, how would it work? You know? So there's this whole process of, you're athletic, you're creative, you have this ability, but you have no idea what your sport is. You don't know what direction. I mean, obviously Michael Jordan figured out early and often focus on basketball. But if he was just floundering, floundering around just being athletic, he'd be trying a whole bunch of sports that he was shitty at. He'd be doing archery and curling and volleyball and a bunch of shit where you can't even. And you could see where his ability as an athlete would make him maybe better than a lot of people at volleyball.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

But would he be exceptional?

[Adam Carolla]

Would he be exceptional? No. Would we know who he was because he did curling or archery? No. Some of the same components would still be in place, but you'd be like, I've never heard of that guy. So, you know, I tell people with any artistic endeavor, it's not just about being artistic. It's like sort of finding your sport within that. And it takes years. And if you're lucky, like the aforementioned Hanson, you stumble onto it in the fifth grade.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

But I'm sure for those guys, there's a whole path to that where, like, you had that moment so early on, and then what does the rest of your career, there's got to be some sort of reckon, you know, like some reconciling within yourself about that path. It's like, it must not have been easy to have had such a high peaking moment so early on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Which for me, I'm grateful that it's happened, like, with more maturity, because one, I would have been such an asshole if it happened then that I, you know, for me, I have such enormous gratitude to actually, you know, I never thought it would happen and then it finally did. So I'm so grateful all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

I always know, you know, the people that make it a little later on in life, I always say the cement has dried in their brain. Like once you hit 30 and you're humble and you've not had a lot of success, I can't take a stick and put my asshole initials into your wet cement of a sidewalk. And I just did this thing with Bryan Cranston recently, and he's such a nice guy, such a humble guy, such a great guy, and I love him. But we were driving home from his house and he gave us two hours and he did everything we told him to do. And then when we were done, we're like, we had to tell him we were done. And I realized he had success later on in life. Like, he was not a child star. And all the people that have the success later on in life, at a certain point, you just are who you are. Your personality becomes like that sidewalk of concrete that was poured and dried. You can't carve new things into it. And that's just who you are. And it's always nice to deal with those people. And it's, it, it's always exciting when they become successful, you know, not at 17.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

I agree. I mean, I think that's been the case for everybody in my band. It's like we all sort of had this like late blooming success that's kept us grounded and kept us appreciative. And I think our fans have been able to really sense that in us. And also it makes them want to cheer and root for our success, you know, I mean, I feel like when we finally got a record deal, we were like, maybe one of the only bands out there that everybody else at Other labels was, like, good for them, you know, because we weren't the assholes of the industry. We were a band that, like, went and busted our butts for years out on the road, just collecting five fans at a time to the point where we were beating our drums so loud across the country, just traveling back and forth in a van, that they finally, like, we got to that critical mass point of, like, tipping point where we could actually, like, make a living off of it and nobody had to stress about, you know, paying rent, right? Which to me, you know, musicians get so screwed over so much of the time that if you're a musician, you're making a decent living and getting to do what you do. I mean, in this day and age, with how much people steal music and stuff, it's like, that is winning. It truly is.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I always have this little thing that I say, you know, musicians, drag racers, motocross riders, you know, whatever your comedians, whatever your job is. I always say to people, if you've heard of them, they've made it. You don't realize how many bands there are. You don't remember. You don't know how many. You don't know how many boxers there are. You know, many boxers are like, if you've heard of this guy's name, he's made it, or he's at least crushed the odds in terms of, you know, how many professional race car drivers have. You really do people know, like, if that name sounds familiar to you, that person has made it. And I always say that about just about anything. I think Blues Traveler is going to take the stage. All right, Michael Fitz Fitzpatrick, by the way. By the way, the new album out tomorrow, More Than Just a Dream. Thank you in advance for playing a great set.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

My pleasure. Thanks for having us.

[Adam Carolla]

Great to hang with you, Adam. I'm perpetually flattered. I'm going to go out there and bring out John Popper and. Thanks, Vince. Thanks. Appreciate it. Sam.

[John Popper]

Mega train at sunrise I got to.

[Adam Carolla]

Have to run around like he oh yeah.

[John Popper]

I said I'm trying to make a train to sunrise I got to.

[Adam Carolla]

Have to run a red light oh.

[John Popper]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Said I was dling with my cat Carolina you know the girl give me a b night.

[John Popper]

Oh yeah and when my Carolina throw down you know.

[Adam Carolla]

The girl knows how to fight don't.

[John Popper]

Think we're gonna make it there's nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

About all could do oh yeah but.

[John Popper]

You going to me is not I.

[Adam Carolla]

Won'T let anyone say I said I almost got the feeling because I know I Can do the worst Sam.

[John Popper]

I see the chairman kept his promise I'm gonna try the one back to.

[Adam Carolla]

Bay oh yeah.

[John Popper]

I said the tremendous kept his promise I'm gonna try.

[Adam Carolla]

Said I can sleep anyway Think about what My Carolina to sing it and oh.

[John Popper]

My Carolina Running like a bright train tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Back with Howie Mandel. Good to see you, Howie.

[Howie Mandel]

Adam. It's good to see. You know, this is an actual first for me. I got to be totally. I'm going to be totally honest because I want to get a little. I don't even know what the word is. A disclaimer. Because in my history at 35 years in the business, I've never had any mind altering. I can't like take a toke of anything, even a beer. And because I have severe ocd, I take a lot of medication and I had no idea. I would never say no to you. But today you're having this great benefit in your backyard and is it sponsored by or do you own a piece of this Mangria?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's mine.

[Howie Mandel]

Is it yours?

[Adam Carolla]

I own it, yeah.

[Howie Mandel]

Do you really? Well, it's delicious, I gotta say. Is it sangria with man juice?

[Adam Carolla]

Like.

[Howie Mandel]

Well, I don't understand why it's mangria, but it's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's high octane sangria.

[Howie Mandel]

Well, I didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Howie Mandel]

And so I've. This is the first time in 35 years in the business I've ever done I've been recorded or been involved in anything that was gonna be broadcast beyond the person I'm speaking to. And I like the peach and I like the red.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm fucked up.

[Howie Mandel]

But I didn't know. They didn't say that. You're gon do. If they would have said that you're gonna be part of Adam's podcast, I would have said, okay, I'll do that. And then I'm gonna try the Mangria. But I walked in and they said, would you like the. And they gave me the red and I said, let me try the peach.

[Adam Carolla]

And your son had the peach when.

[Howie Mandel]

I saw you too, but we wouldn't split. So then I went back and I had the red and I like. I mean, I had the peach.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Howie Mandel]

I like the peach. I've had a couple. It's good, it's real. This, you own this?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's mine.

[Howie Mandel]

It's fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm so glad you like it, but.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm so fucked up. I'm being honest. No, I've never actually been.

[Adam Carolla]

It's High octane sangria. Okay. That's the whole point.

[Howie Mandel]

I understand, but there's not going to be any. The disclaimer is there's not going to be anything witty or entertaining for the next minute or so.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's right on the bottle. You'll say, nothing witty, entertaining, possibly spontaneous.

[Howie Mandel]

And I have to say. And for those people that suffer OCD and possibly take the same medication as me, Mangria goes great with. It goes great with Zoloft. It goes great with everything else.

[Adam Carolla]

You want a little refill? I. I could use a little refill.

[Howie Mandel]

Having problems with it?

[Adam Carolla]

Your producer is, well. What? Howie? You know, I was thinking about you.

[Howie Mandel]

I understand you'll probably protect me.

[Adam Carolla]

This is fine. No, I'll protect you. Well, first off, you live across the street, so I'm not driving.

[Howie Mandel]

But I don't even have a designated wall.

[Adam Carolla]

You could roll to your house from here.

[Howie Mandel]

I just wandered in.

[Adam Carolla]

You could get on a mechanic's creeper and push yourself backwards.

[Howie Mandel]

But the fact that you. Actually, I didn't realize because I knew you broadcast from your garage and. And I've done the show from Las Vegas, but when I wandered over to your house and you offered drink, I didn't realize it's a drink. And then stand by the microphone.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's good. Because we're seeing a side of Howie Mandel we haven't seen before. And I was thinking about you because. Tell me if you think this way, too. I imagine all performers do. You know, whenever you hear about someone doing something. A TV show. All right? A live show, a benefit, whatever it is, you think, why are they doing that? You know, what. What's behind it? What's the motivation? Is it money? Is it charity? Right. You know, are they altruistic? Are they doing it to line, you know, feather their own nest or whatever? And so somebody said the other day, well, Howie wants you to do a TV show he's working on. Right. Coming up next week. I said, I love Howie. I love working with Howie. Right. It'll be easy. It'll be improvised. Right. So I'm in.

[Howie Mandel]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And. But then I started thinking how he does so many TV shows and has done so many TV shows and is so motivated.

[Howie Mandel]

I am.

[Adam Carolla]

And I thought, you know, he doesn't have a gambling problem. He doesn't have a coke problem. No. You know, he's not on his. You know, he's not his third wife.

[Howie Mandel]

More peach here.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Howie Mandel]

I love this Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good stuff, right?

[Eli Roth]

Do you like.

[Howie Mandel]

Why do you. You don't have. Is there a Mangria vineyard?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's in Napa.

[Howie Mandel]

You have your own vineyard?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, it's. It's made out of Napa, and it's made out of grapes. Out of Napa. And this is a ringing endorsement. No, no, no.

[Howie Mandel]

I did it because I'm drinking it so fast. Because I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm actually.

[Adam Carolla]

I love this. It's good, right?

[Howie Mandel]

It's amazing. So I've never been so hammered from just a wine thing. Is there more alcohol in this? See, I'm from Canada, and the beer has more alcohol content, but sangria. I just came from Spain, my daughter lives in Spain, and I had sangria. Never had this beer.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, beer in the states is 5% or so, maybe. Yeah. 7%. Canada wine is probably 12, 13, 14. This is 21%. So it's got a little more popular.

[Howie Mandel]

For the cash.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But yours is only.

[Howie Mandel]

I was answering the question, why do you do so many TV shows?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was that. I know you like money and I know you like working, and I know there's a sense of, you have to make hay while the sun is shining in this business.

[Howie Mandel]

No, I'll be. Can I be totally honest? I am so fucked up. Not. I don't mean. I'm not talking about drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Howie Mandel]

My mind. If I take a minute and don't do anything, then I have to deal with me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Howie Mandel]

And I do anything not to deal with me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Howie Mandel]

Whether it's. Now, I found a new pastime. Angria. But I. But I have never. I can't. So I got to continue to work. People say, what do you do in your spare time? Spare time is like hell for me. I can't have spare time.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird, Howie, because you're smart, you're. I feel there's a society that's wildly practical. Yeah, like, you wouldn't.

[Howie Mandel]

But that's the part that kills me, because I'm so aware of how fucked up I am. Ignorance is bliss. I wish I was more blissful.

[Adam Carolla]

But why. Here's an interesting possibility.

[Howie Mandel]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Slash option for you. Take a hit of your peach Mangria there. You know, there's a lot of people that walk around and they go, I'm a mess. I'm fucked up. You know, there's a lot of guys who go, I can't be in a relationship because I'm a mess.

[Howie Mandel]

No, I'm in a great relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But there. There's a version of you that says, I can't pull down a relationship. I know that I'm a mess. Look at me, I'm a mess. And I think to myself, why keep announcing that from the mountaintops? You're wildly sane compared to most people on the planet.

[Howie Mandel]

Because all the questions, all the answers to the questions is I'm incredibly lucky that I have afforded myself, and this business has afforded me, and the people around me who care for me and support me have afforded me the way to see. Normally, if I wasn't on Mangria, I would have another word here. I'm functioning. I know that I'm fucked up, but I take. I'm in therapy all the time. I'm heavily medicated.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Howie Mandel]

But I'm heavily.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Howie Mandel]

Also medicated.

[Adam Carolla]

You're trying. Medicated now because of the boobs.

[Howie Mandel]

But I'm just saying that. I'm telling you that fucked up. And I work so much because I can't. I don't like quiet time.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's what I'm. Here's what I'm saying. There's. You know, because I talked to Dr. Drew about it a lot. There's this sort of.

[Howie Mandel]

About me.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say you.

[Howie Mandel]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But everyone as well. Okay? There's this sort of act as if you know what I mean. Like, I talk to people about because my dad's a fucked up therapist. And then there's Dr. Drew, and I have my own sort of therapy, therapeutic life. And I think to myself, you know, you can walk through life sort of going, I'm a mess. I'm a mess. I'm a mess. Look at me. I'm a mess. I need help. I need medication. I need this, I need that. And there's a part of you that just goes, fuck it. I'm gonna act like a sane person would act like I'm gonna do what a responsible person would do. I'm gonna have a relationship like a responsible person. I'm gonna treat my kids like a responsible person.

[Howie Mandel]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And at a certain point, I once. You, as Drew says, act as if you just become that person. Like right now, I'm proud of the.

[Howie Mandel]

Fact that I have. I've been married to the same woman in a phenomenal relationship for 33 years. I have three wonderful children who are successful in their own right.

[Adam Carolla]

So you have four kids? Because I met one of them.

[Howie Mandel]

Pardon me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just busting your chops, okay?

[Howie Mandel]

I have. I forget what I.

[Adam Carolla]

You have three kids.

[Howie Mandel]

I have three kids. I have a. I have a burgeoning career.

[Adam Carolla]

No, your Career is amazing, but yet you have a mantra, and that mantra is like, I'm a mess. I need. I'm a mess.

[Howie Mandel]

Because I believe you're not a mess.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all a mess.

[Howie Mandel]

But I believe that all of us will not do what it takes to function within that mess.

[Adam Carolla]

But. But what I'm. What I'm saying to you, Howie Mandel, it's like good radio.

[Howie Mandel]

It's like fat people who don't admit they're fat.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but see, you're the opposite in that I'm mentally.

[Howie Mandel]

I've got fat.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a thin person who keeps calling yourself fat. No, you're not.

[Howie Mandel]

No, I'm a fat person who's aware that they're fat. But I'm doing the exercise and eating right so I can maintain my energy and my health.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're.

[Howie Mandel]

You're one of mentally fat.

[Adam Carolla]

You're one of the nicest.

[Howie Mandel]

I am very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Best looking.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm gorgeous.

[Adam Carolla]

Physically fit.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm physically. You know what? Because I exercise.

[Adam Carolla]

But this is another thing.

[Howie Mandel]

My wife, my therapist. Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Well endowed. I.

[Howie Mandel]

My dick is like. Can I, you know, not take it out on podcasts?

[Adam Carolla]

Are you. No.

[Howie Mandel]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

But now here's what I'm saying about you, Howie Mandel. Right? You're here.

[Howie Mandel]

What you're saying about me, I listen.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a good father.

[Howie Mandel]

I am.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a good husband.

[Howie Mandel]

If you're just tuning in now, it's Howie Mandel he's talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you are on time.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm on time.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not on time.

[Howie Mandel]

I didn't even know what time this was gonna happen.

[Adam Carolla]

You're early yet.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm here. Producer called me and he was looking for you.

[Adam Carolla]

There's.

[Howie Mandel]

Do you know, I was sitting behind this microphone and you weren't here. I was doing your podcast minutes before you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing up. No, that's. That's what I'm saying. There's nothing insane about you. There's nothing using the word insane. Sorry, that was strong. That's pejorative. I.

[Howie Mandel]

There's mental health issues.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we all have mental health issues. No, we don't all have them. You don't?

[Howie Mandel]

No, I think we all do. No, I don't think there's anybody alive that doesn't need.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't.

[Howie Mandel]

Doesn't need help that doesn't need Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

At least once in your life.

[Howie Mandel]

How much plugging can you do on your own show anyway? Your people are buying.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you wish everyone who was as mentally unstable as you, paid as much in taxes as you.

[Howie Mandel]

Oh, yes.

[Eli Roth]

But I believe.

[Howie Mandel]

I wish that everybody who paid as much taxes. But I wish the tax dollars went to mental. You know, I go speak on Capitol Hill.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Howie Mandel]

Because that's my. That's my soapbox.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Howie Mandel]

That there isn't enough attention paid. Mental health, if you got an X ray and your legs fucked up, you can get that taken care of.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Howie Mandel]

But if you got, like a broken mind, just a fractured mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Howie Mandel]

You can't get the full funding for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I'm saying to you, Howard. I mean, a little bit more peach. We need a little more peach. Bring the bottle in. Here's what I'm saying again. You can roll. I love this. You can be dragging.

[Howie Mandel]

This is the best.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good, isn't it, man?

[Howie Mandel]

Gria. So do you actually drink on the.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcast, or is this a party? No. We will. No, well, you know, it's a party.

[Howie Mandel]

I've never drank. I've never been.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never seen you drink before.

[Howie Mandel]

I don't. Because I was told not to. Because it doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Who told you not do?

[Howie Mandel]

My psychiatrist. Listen, because alcohol is a depressive.

[Adam Carolla]

You do what you have to do. You're. You're in charge of you. All right, here's what I'm saying. You don't have to say.

[Howie Mandel]

Here's what you're saying. If you just say it, I'll realize that's what it was.

[Adam Carolla]

I. You know, sometimes. You have children. I have children all the time.

[Howie Mandel]

I have children all the time. I have children all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like a blues singer once I've had them. Canadian blues singer. Yes. All right. When we're taking my kids to Disneyland a few months back. My son is a world class. My. My daughter is insane. They're twins. But my son is a puss. Right? And he didn't want to get on the Matterhorn. And we said. We said, you're getting on the Matterhorn because you're gonna.

[Howie Mandel]

Wasn't the Matterhorn just shut down, like two weeks ago? So maybe he had a premonition.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasn't it eerie? Premonition?

[Howie Mandel]

Wasn't it shut down?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it just was. But this was.

[Howie Mandel]

So don't call him a. Maybe he's a psychic.

[Adam Carolla]

I called him a wuss.

[Howie Mandel]

But he could be psychically in. In tuned.

[Adam Carolla]

But I said to him, you're getting on it. And my. My wife started saying, like, maybe I.

[Howie Mandel]

Don'T want to go. I'm scared. I don't get on the Matterhorn. How is that going to win?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Howie Mandel]

How is that going to. Why would you force your son to get on shit?

[Eli Roth]

He doesn't want to get on?

[Howie Mandel]

Why is that important? It's not like saying, go to school.

[Adam Carolla]

School.

[Howie Mandel]

It's not like saying, eat your dinner. Why does he have to ride the Matterhorn?

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's because all the Founding fathers did.

[Howie Mandel]

I think you were trying to make a positive point, but I think it's up.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now that you shat upon it, yes, it is destroyed.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm scared, Dad. I don't want to ride the roller coaster. Get on the roller coaster. Your sister's on the roller coaster. You ride the roller coaster.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I said.

[Howie Mandel]

Not only are you forcing him to go on shit, he's afraid of you. Broadcast it publicly. That hit his fears.

[Adam Carolla]

It's wrong. No, it's sad. He's a puss, but it's true.

[Howie Mandel]

Cut to 20 years from now, he's going to be me on a podcast going, I'm up.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm up.

[Howie Mandel]

I need some angry. My dad used to force me on. On roller coasters.

[Adam Carolla]

Space Mountain.

[Howie Mandel]

Space Mountain shut down.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Howie Mandel]

I think it was shut down. Am I correct?

[Adam Carolla]

You're looking at Gary like he knows anything.

[Howie Mandel]

Well, no, he knows.

[Adam Carolla]

He does. They redid it.

[Howie Mandel]

They redid it.

[Adam Carolla]

They redid it.

[Howie Mandel]

It's redone.

[Adam Carolla]

I stand correct.

[Howie Mandel]

Am I going to get sued for saying that they did. I thought I read something, that somebody got hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is this, right? I forced him on. He felt good about himself. My wife said, no, don't do it. I said, don't listen to her. We're going on the ride. Did it. I have this feeling, and Dr. Drew argues with me and my dad argues with me, but what? The fact that I don't use you as an example, but you are. You are wildly functional. Right? You're supremely functional.

[Howie Mandel]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And you're. You're not out of it. And you're not nearly the mess that you think you are.

[Howie Mandel]

Well, I am, but you want to know the difference? If you. I don't understand the convergence of this, what I'm trying to do with what I'm saying. But my parents always embraced my fears and helped me with my fear. Whereas the difference between your son going on the Matterhorn because you forced him on rides that he had. No, he didn't. He didn't want to be on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Howie Mandel]

My parents allowed me to take 20 towels into the bathroom and dry each Body part with a different towel. They allowed me to make pathways from my room into the bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

They allow pathways? Yeah.

[Howie Mandel]

I don't touch the floor in hotels.

[Adam Carolla]

But what I'm saying is, what if somebody said to you, and do you ever have this yearning that someone says, no, I have a theory. I have a theory. I. I know it sounds nuts, but please.

[Howie Mandel]

The fact that you have theory sounds nuts, or that theory sounds nuts?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but there's a thing where.

[Howie Mandel]

I can't believe I'm in a deep psycho.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're out in the. When you're out in the wilderness. When you're out in the wilderness.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm never out in the wilderness.

[Eli Roth]

I'm fan.

[Howie Mandel]

A Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Howie Mandel]

The last time we were out in the wilderness, you wandered in the desert. We didn't build 40 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, 40 years.

[Howie Mandel]

You know, for a 30 year trip, I'm hot. I gotta sit down. Can I just sit down? Even when we got to the river, we didn't dunk. I'll wait for a miracle. When it parts, we'll continue to walk, right? There's no reason. I'm never in the wilderness.

[Adam Carolla]

What I don't say is, when the gentiles are trapped in the wilderness and someone says, what direction shall we go? What they don't want is someone going, I don't know, what direction do you want to go? I'm fucking scared shitless. Right. What they want is we go east. I know this territory, follow me. And what I'm saying is I have this feeling in life that if I said, howie, you're not fucked up. You're smart, you're ambitious, you're intelligent, and you are.

[Howie Mandel]

Why can't you just add fucked up to the list of all those things?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. I'm not up take away.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm not intelligent, ambitious, successful.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna enter it into the equation because you're so capable.

[Howie Mandel]

Wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

I am capable. I'm. You're capable. Now knock it off with the fist bump and all the other, the medication. You don't need it. You're highly functional, you're highly intelligent. And you can just go through life like everyone else.

[Howie Mandel]

Have Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point. That's what I'm saying right now.

[Howie Mandel]

I don't give a. About anything. But you're wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

But what, what I mean is, who's.

[Howie Mandel]

This guy outside the door with that Missy? He keeps introducing Missy like she's going to be the next star. That guy, he's from the Bony Pony Ranch. That guy, the bald guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Dennis, off. I don't listen to him. No.

[Howie Mandel]

And he goes, and this is Missy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. Like, you're like, I'm gonna put that.

[Howie Mandel]

Chick in my next picture.

[Adam Carolla]

I beat after on Wednesday, didn't I? All I'm saying is, is there a part of you that wishes you had a football coach for a dad that went. Howard, you're not up now. Get your together. You're smart, you're funny.

[Howie Mandel]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Talented. Let's do it.

[Howie Mandel]

I had the most coddling, wonderful upbringing.

[Adam Carolla]

I really point.

[Howie Mandel]

Oh, I should have ridden the Matterhorn.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's what I'm saying. Like a little bit of a.

[Howie Mandel]

No, it's. You're wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Because there's nothing wrong. You're wrong.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm willing to be on your podcast. I love attending your parties. I will drink your alcohol. But you're. You're.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing wrong.

[Howie Mandel]

You're not wrong. You're not wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, John Poppins.

[Howie Mandel]

John Popper. I loved Guy. Can I just say that I'm such a huge John Popper fan. Enough of my fucked up. You got to listen to John Poppy. He's got to come in and talk. I just heard him sing live in your backyard.

[Adam Carolla]

It is.

[Howie Mandel]

I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

I started tearing up. Like, I'm like, I know this guy's so immensely talented.

[Howie Mandel]

Like, you know, as a judge on America's Got, which we don't see with the singers that come out on those shows. Don't have a. An iota of what that guy has or you see on American Idol or you see on the Voice. I mean, he is just pure soul. He just. He's a living.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, you know what I've said many times, his biggest shortcoming is being a virtuoso on the harmonica.

[Howie Mandel]

I noticed he doesn't bring bullets to parties.

[Adam Carolla]

He's so good during that car.

[Howie Mandel]

Doesn't carry his bullets anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Good on the harmonica that you forget about his voice.

[Howie Mandel]

Here's the thing. He handed me a harmonica.

[Adam Carolla]

He gives them out. Oh, does he? Well, not to everyone only pick time people.

[Howie Mandel]

I got a harmonica. Oh, I lost it.

[Adam Carolla]

All I wanted to say and I had it.

[Howie Mandel]

And then I got a harmonica from John Popper. Then you gave me Mangria. And now I don't know where the harmonica.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't mean this in a pejorative way.

[Howie Mandel]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't mean to be pejorative.

[Howie Mandel]

Isn't that when the people get old really fast?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's something else. That's pejoria or something. That's what.

[Howie Mandel]

So you mean this in an old way?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Kids look like they're. I don't mean this in a hostile or critical way. Okay. I look at you. Is one of the smartest.

[Howie Mandel]

John Popper, come in.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not that smart.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm not that funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I look at you as incredibly smart and incredibly funny.

[Howie Mandel]

Comfortable now.

[Adam Carolla]

Incredibly talented.

[Howie Mandel]

Talk to John.

[Adam Carolla]

I will, but no reason to be on meds. You're.

[Howie Mandel]

No, you have meds.

[Adam Carolla]

You're all there.

[Howie Mandel]

I can't go out. I told you.

[Adam Carolla]

Have a shot of angorea.

[Howie Mandel]

I will roll you saw. You know about Howard Hughes, right? Where he sat naked in a room. You have no idea. And I say this with all seriousness, how close I am to that. I'm not going out, but there's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Part of me just says, push it. Push it out.

[Howie Mandel]

No. I could sit in the fetal position in the darkest place in my life, naked, just peeing in the bottle for the rest of my life. And I'm not saying that to be funny. I'm really close to that. But I'm thrilled that I'm out here and listening to John.

[Adam Carolla]

Love you. You got your Mangria.

[Howie Mandel]

I mean, at this particular moment, I'm okay. And 90 of the time, I'm functioning, but I'm on. I'm teeter.

[Adam Carolla]

I teeter, okay?

[Howie Mandel]

I teeter. I don't want people to feel bad. And this is not a telephone.

[Adam Carolla]

You're. You.

[Howie Mandel]

What's going on? What are you pointing at? People are pointing and things like that. I don't know what's happening, but I. I've finished this segment.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I'm gonna do your show on Tuesday. Wednesday. I know.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm not in charge of scheduling. I don't know. But we'll have fun doing that. I appreciate you doing that, man.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a really pleasure.

[Howie Mandel]

My. No, I would do anything. I would never say no to you. I'm a huge fan of yours. And I think it's gonna sound stupid because you just said it to me. I don't think there's anybody brighter. And I listen to your podcast, and you're funny, and you're bright, and you're a great comic and a writer. Your book was great. I mean, and you're. And you're a man. A winist.

[Eli Roth]

What.

[Howie Mandel]

What do you. What is somebody who makes Mangria?

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

What.

[Adam Carolla]

What is that? What? Vintner.

[Howie Mandel]

Vintner. Vintner.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Howie Mandel]

You're a vintner.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a vintner.

[Howie Mandel]

But do you actually Would you like when you. I know, like, Heidi Klum's on my show and she came up with her own scent and she said she was involved. Is this similar to that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. I invented all this.

[Howie Mandel]

What do you mean, you invented?

[Adam Carolla]

I was in my kitchen and I poured a little red wine and I was out of red wine, so I poured some vodka and I poured some orange juice.

[Howie Mandel]

What's the percentage of alcohol?

[Adam Carolla]

It's 19 on the white and 21 on the red. How you could cut back on that medication. We just got a little into that white.

[Howie Mandel]

God, do you know how much I've had?

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but it's good. It's fun, right? Let stuff go.

[Howie Mandel]

My God.

[Adam Carolla]

I want you to give Ron Jeremy a high five when you go out there. No, give him a high five. But we get out.

[Howie Mandel]

You know, we have a connection. He raised my. He raised my rat. I gave away a rat when my daughter went to college. No, not my.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right.

[Howie Mandel]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Give me. Anyway. Give him a hug.

[Howie Mandel]

You're a true friend. A toast.

[Adam Carolla]

A toast. Okay. The great Howie Mandel.

[Howie Mandel]

And Gria.

[Adam Carolla]

And friendship, my friend. Thank you and enjoy. Keep enjoying it.

[Howie Mandel]

Beautiful family. Your kids are gorgeous. Your wife is beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel the same way about yours, or at least the one that I saw. I can't believe lives next door.

[Howie Mandel]

Yeah, that's my son. My son who rents out the house to video.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Howie Mandel]

You played that last time inside.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Unbelievable. Yeah. All right. The great Howie Mandel. I'll be doing. I've dropped it. Right.

[Howie Mandel]

Just call me Howie.

[Adam Carolla]

Howie.

[Howie Mandel]

Oh. On TBS, it's July 16th. It airs, starts airing. It's called Deal with it. And then AGT starts on June 4th.

[Adam Carolla]

I will.

[Howie Mandel]

You hear that?

[Adam Carolla]

That's a great John Popper. Wow. Or my kids. All right, thanks. We'll get him in here. I'll tell you about Proflowers. Mother's Day.

[Howie Mandel]

John Popper.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess who's playing it? Your son or my son?

[Howie Mandel]

Ron Jeremy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, worse. Now it's got AIDS. Awesome. Mother's Day this Sunday. One. I didn't sound like John. 100 blooms for mom. Just. Just 19.99. That's 50% off. Or you can upgrade and get the chocolates plus the premium. He's got his own rum out there. Premium pink vase for just 10 bucks more. Proflowers guaranteed to last a full week or your money back. The only way to get this great deal is to go to proflowers.com. click on the microphone that at the top of the right hand. Corner and type in ace. That's pro flowers. That is this Sunday. Mother's day is coming up this Sunday. Get the deal with the 100 blooms for mom for just 19.99 proflowers.com tell them a sent you. All right. Is John in that next room?

[Howie Mandel]

No, that was Ron Jeremy.

[Adam Carolla]

That was Ron Jeremy.

[Howie Mandel]

John's not there.

[Adam Carolla]

He's in there.

[Eli Roth]

You just couldn't see him.

[John Popper]

He's in there as well.

[Adam Carolla]

I drag him in. We'll do him quick. Howie, thank you so much. Don't take. Take the white with you, brother.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm gonna. This is really delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, it's been 35 years since you've had a drink. You know, you're gonna catch a buzz. Yeah, it's good. BuyMangria.com is where you go. It's coming. It's coming to stores near you. But when we go out to dinner.

[Howie Mandel]

Can I just say that you were amazing?

[John Popper]

Thank you.

[Howie Mandel]

Amazing. I mean, I was in awe. My jaw drops listening to your voice and you're singing. You are just thank. So phenomenal. What I notice, I feel like so honored that I get to stand here in Adam's backyard and listen to you.

[John Popper]

And that, you know, I hear there's buried treasure in this backyard.

[Howie Mandel]

And you know what? You were the treasure.

[John Popper]

And see, I said after that and I was unburied today.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that.

[John Popper]

What I noticed halfway when I.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't be scared to have more. Your wife's driving.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm not. No, but they went home.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. Stay here then. I'll drive. I'll drive you home or walk across the street.

[John Popper]

That's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So no, you're good. You're good. It's.

[John Popper]

You know, we'll get you home. We'll drive you home.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll get you home. John's got so intelligible. Yeah, exactly.

[John Popper]

I got all kinds of stuff. All right. The funny part about playing today was really fun, but I realized that Chan isn't the timekeeper, nor am I. So song started out boom, boom, boom, and then would kind of wind down to here.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple of those.

[John Popper]

And I was like, the song is going to end eventually. I mean, like, if you keep dragging the time out eventually, according to Occam's razor, you'll never actually end the song.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I loved it. And I've seen Blues Traveler. I've heard. Well, obviously, I've heard the recorded Blues Traveler, and then I've heard. I have the live at Red Rocks. And then so I'VE heard a lot of live and I've seen a lot of live, but I've not seen acoustic. And I'm always curious, like, certain songs that are sort of, like, keyboard based.

[John Popper]

Yes. Look around.

[Adam Carolla]

Chan got the.

[John Popper]

It's supposed to be one to a minor six. He got that in reverse for the verses. I could not tell it was a very serious. I know it's kind of. Nobody can tell what's going on except us. And so we're like. He's going, what's happened? Why isn't this sounding right? I'm like, wait, no, you're kind of backwards. But I'm busy singing, so you can't really correct that. It's like once on the tracks, you're just on for the ride of your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was thrilled to death that you brought my name up and attach it to Look Around. And it's really true.

[John Popper]

I mentioned this at another place I played. You reminded me of that song.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[John Popper]

And I really cringe to think I forgot about a song that really is one of my favorites.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it happens. I mean, it happens to me on occasion where people go, hey, how about that bit you did on Whatever? And I go, what bit was that? And I go, yeah, that bit you did last time, you did the marsha or whatever. And I go, oh, yeah, what was that bit? And then they remind me. And then I go, oh, yeah, I like that bit. What was that bit? And then you go, oh, yeah, it's gone. And it's good in that as an artist, I always say, you don't want a rear view mirror. You don't want to be sitting around trying to come up with, you know, the man show reunion.

[John Popper]

You don't want to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. Reunion.

[John Popper]

But the perfect little thing you did. I ran to Galactic. They were opening for us somewhere. And their lead guy is a pretty good harmonica player. And I'd never heard him play all the years I played again. And I took him aside and said, what were you worried about playing in front of me? I mean, you sound different than me. You're good.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[John Popper]

Why come I never get to hear you play Harmonic? He goes, well, actually, you did. You were sitting in a bar where we were playing, and your feet were up on the stage, and you were just sitting there in the front row. And I said, hey, John Popper's gonna play with us. And you shook your head and said, no, I don't want to go up there. And you said, no, John Popper's gonna come up. And you took the harmonica. And you like kicked my ass and like pounded on me for like an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[John Popper]

And he put the harp in my hand, said, don't ever do that again.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[John Popper]

I was like, wow. I was a cool guy when I was younger. Like, what a badass thing to do. And it wouldn't occur to me to do that now. I'd be all like, polite.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is weird. It is weird when you meet people and they tell you what you did and you have no recollection.

[John Popper]

Zorro. Like, you were like badass. Like, it sounds like I without a two show.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, kind of, yeah.

[John Popper]

It really is like a douchey thing to do. But the fact that he did it so like, like quickly and instantaneously, I felt like Steve McQueen in retrospect.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[John Popper]

Yeah, you're right. It was kind of like lame thing.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I was standing around with people who are listening to you play tonight, this afternoon. And it's the same thing I tell everyone all the time. Like, the guy is such a virtuoso on the harmonica that they lose his voice in the mix. And the soulfulness. And not only that, but just to sort of how unique your voice is now. Interesting. Your voice is such nice stuff. I just, I'm just such a massive fan and I love the real deal. Like, I love. In a world full of sort of posers and Johnny come lately. I love just someone who's like gifted. I just, it's gifted. And obviously you've worked the gift as well and you've kind words as we.

[John Popper]

Were slowing a tempo down and then I went to grab the mic and the mic stand goes down and I'm like, Alfalfa and the Little Rascals, like, yep, there's the talent.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I, I, you know, you're being self deprecating, but uncoordinated. I love, you know, I love the fact it was so nice to be with younger people and sit next to people at my daughter on my lap. It blows me almost the whole time. And I was like, like, listen to that. Listen to that. And my son at a certain point said, who do you think's a better harmonica player? Me or him? And I said him. And he was like, why? And I said, because you know how to play the harmonica. He's great at playing the harmonica. And it was like, huh? And I just. This society where like everyone's even, everyone's the same. It drives me insane. The notion that you've mastered your craft. I'm just, listen, it's, it's the Reason we're all on this planet. It's why we're watching you on stage and not watching my son inhale and exhale through a harmonica.

[John Popper]

Don't forget, Alanis Morissette sells a lot of tickets. She's out there. She's playing harmonica tonight somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

So sad. I. Harmonica. Stop me, John. I'm gonna. Please stop me. Is there another instrument where people are willing to play horribly in front of large groups of people?

[John Popper]

Like in the 80s, there were some really bad guitar players.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[John Popper]

Nelson. I remember being enraged when I saw Nelson. Why? Someone started live and the guitar solo was, you know. And like, in their mind or in their shows, someone's like, let's not forget four Non Blondes who write great songs outside of that band.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[John Popper]

But the guitar. So I drove around when my leg was broken, the guitarist from four Nine Blondes was. I wrote that guitar solo. And I was like, wait, there's a guitar solo. And to her, the guitar. So it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[John Popper]

I can have it memorized because she was the psychopath driving me.

[Adam Carolla]

I always thought that Four Non Blondes and that song was always Don't Worry Be Happy too.

[John Popper]

You take Bobby McFerry. Don't worry, all of those bass things. That's his voice and his acoustic body stuff, right? For Non, Bond's got, you know, a pretty average sounding band. And look at the words like, don't worry, be happy. You know, here's another little song I wrote, right? You're gonna love it, note for note. It's clever. But the point is, Don't Worry, be happy. What is 4 non blonde saying? Hey, what's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I want to know.

[John Popper]

It's like stunned with a piece of wood and is now like, what's going on? That is a timeless message for all.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on. Right.

[John Popper]

I mean, I think that's the thing. If you have got something good to say, then that's as good as being, you know, melodically excellent.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[John Popper]

You know. I hate to quote Dylan, but there's your best example.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[John Popper]

Or I mean, to point to him.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Listen, I. I practically get in fistfights with people around this town because I'm like, I don't give a. About Bob Dylan. I think has a horrible voice. I don't think he can play the guitar. I know he can play the harmonic.

[John Popper]

But if you read Bob Dylan, I know he's terrible harmonica. But if you read his songs and the way he does a narrative, there's something valuable there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I'm always like, I'll listen to John Hyde if I want to listen. There you go.

[John Popper]

See, John Hyde is great, and he referenced Dylan, but he's more melodic. See, I like Tom Waits. That's another guy I'll go to.

[Adam Carolla]

I like Tom Waits, too, except for.

[John Popper]

I like his 70s stuff. Like, after 80, he started getting a little bit too, like, atonal.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a minute. There's. There's John Waits and there's Tom. Yeah, I'm thinking of the guy from the Babies, I think.

[John Popper]

The guy who was in Rumble Fish.

[Adam Carolla]

I screwed that one up. Yeah. I met Jimmy Kimmel because of Bobby McFerrin. Wow. Because I was driving my truck.

[John Popper]

For a second, I thought you were, like, you were getting into the whole world.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I was driving my truck over Laurel Canyon in 1994, and there's a couple things.

[John Popper]

You met Kimmel in 94?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I met him in 94. And I was listening to Blues Traveler first thing when the hook came out. I remember going in to see Kevin Weatherly in Kroc. I was nobody. I was just a peon. But I was like, listen to this song. Listen to it. Would you fucking listen to this song? It's a great song. And, you know, I don't know he was in Nirvana or, you know, he's playing. You know, he was playing Gwen Stefani or something at the time. But I remember. I'm specifically pointing out the hook. I remember just going, fucking listen to the song, would you? It's gonna be a huge hit. But I met Jimmy Kimmel because I was driving over the hill, Laurel Canyon, and I was in my pickup truck was a console that I'd made for an entertainment unit that I made for a customer. I was working as a boxing instructor in the morning, and I was building cabinets in the afternoons, and I built this cabinet for somebody. And Bobby McFerrin had broken his leg on the ski slopes. That was his story that Jimmy reported during the news when he was Jimmy the sports guy. And I said, Jimmy said, what's a black guy doing skiing? And then it's good stuff. And then Michael the maintenance man, who's a black man, charged in the room. And he said, what are you talking about? Black man skiing? And he said, black guys shouldn't be skiing. And he said, what are you talking about? And he's like, what are you talking about? And the next thing you know, boxing match broke out. And I said, jimmy Kimmel versus Michael the maintenance man. No way. To this day, I still have never asked Jimmy was that actual Were you planning it or was somebody.

[John Popper]

Did he win?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he didn't. He did not win. I sent him out for the second round. Yeah, well, it went to the cards. I sent him out. There was second round, no mouthpiece, which was funny, but it was at that point they said, we need trainers, we need coaches, we need boxing guys. And I call. I said, oh, that's what I do. And I called up, and I didn't want Jimmy. I didn't care who I got. I just wanted one of them, right? And I got one of them. I got Jimmy. He just came down the hall. And then I met Jimmy, and then, you know, the rest is history. I didn't know he was going to take over show business at the time.

[John Popper]

That's right. Think about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was. You know, not many people have had the privilege of sitting in meetings with Jimmy and other guys where people went like, hey, you, Jimmy, quiet down. I'm talking. Like, I've had meetings where I said. Where people said to me, you want to do a radio show? And I said, how about I do a radio show and I bring my buddy Jimmy in and he does it with me? And they were like, he's not talent.

[John Popper]

You get that rare privilege of, like, you know, when you're hanging out with your friends, you always think you're funnier than people. In Hollywood, you guys actually were.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we had that. Like, no one would listen to us.

[John Popper]

Yeah, but eventually you did. I mean, it took 20 years, whatever, but, like, for that time, here's like a repairman and a reporter sitting around shooting the in. You guys actually are funnier than most people.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we see that. We had that feeling, but no one else.

[John Popper]

That's usually how it starts. Usually no one else feels that way about. You know, me and my friends will have lots of hysterical conversations, but nobody wants to really pay us to do it right. There's always that point when it goes a little too far off the track.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now, speaking of track, where is John Popper living right now? You up north?

[John Popper]

Snohomish, Washington.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh? Snohomish.

[John Popper]

Snohomish.

[Adam Carolla]

What is that?

[John Popper]

It's the land of the winter hooker. The snow hoe. Some seer in the spring. Yeah, some seer before she hibernates. But no, it's up by Stevens Pass. You know, there's good. It's really just a nice place where Ewoks live. And it's like a log castle. Somebody built, like, a really awesome log place. It looks sort of like a castle because the staircase Looks like a turret.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[John Popper]

And he designs parking lots. And it's got a place for me to go shoot off my guns and cannons. Yeah, the cannons aimed at the neighbors menacingly. But really, I have not loaded it up since I got to Washington because.

[Adam Carolla]

Once upon a time, you put cans of dog food in that cannon back in Pennsylvania.

[John Popper]

It was great because then I had the goose pond to aim it at and scared the shit out of the geese. Wouldn't see them for a whole season.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a big can.

[John Popper]

Yeah. You know, your average Alpo can throw it about a thousand yards.

[Adam Carolla]

Thousand yards?

[John Popper]

Yeah. And it explodes all over, like, the shore. And the geese. Like, I don't know what just happened, but I don't want any part of this.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[John Popper]

The police would come and go, can we just see what's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

And. But I mean.

[John Popper]

Makes a nice big bass note.

[Adam Carolla]

Boom. John, for you, has it always been like this sort of semi autonomous kind of, like, living on my own terms? Like, is there.

[John Popper]

I can never define the terms that other people live on. My problem is I keep bumping into what is appropriate and inappropriate.

[Adam Carolla]

But, I mean, you decided semi early on in life, like, I want to play music. I don't want a boss. I don't want to punch in. I don't wear.

[John Popper]

I really thought that I would have to do all that. But they. You know, I came to music kind of late. Like, in high school. You know, most people were already into band and stuff, and I was really just kind of, I want to be a comedian. Really. That's where I was heading. But again, I was, like, funny. I was funny enough to know that I wasn't funny.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Right.

[John Popper]

On that level of professionalism or, like, I'm so close to hitting it, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right.

[John Popper]

I don't get the material ever. Close enough to really being worked out. And then, you know, the Blues Brothers, you know, watching all those guys that got me to the harmonica, and that sort of changed it. And the harmonica I was good at right away. Like, day one was just really easy. Came real easy to me and stuff. And again, I. You know, my parents, like, well, that's a nice hobby, but you're gonna have to get a degree. Maybe you could be a music teacher.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, harmonica. By the way, like, when you hear comedians talk about doing comedy and singers talk about singing, their parents are like, oh, please, get an engineering degree. But harmonica, that's insane.

[John Popper]

Their hearts really sink through.

[Adam Carolla]

At least there's such thing as comedians who've gotten paid before you but as far as harmonica players, the way the road cleared.

[John Popper]

Like, I was in, you know, junior band one day playing a really bad fourth trumpet, and they're doing she Blinded Me with Science. And I had the harp, the right key. I had three of them, and one of them was the right key. And next day I was in the first string band. And the principals there. And it's like that scene in Babe where Babe Ruth is, you know, the Babe.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[John Popper]

He'll just go around, watch him just hit stuff, right? I was that kid. And then suddenly the stores were open. Ah, you don't need 100 credits to graduate. We got an idea where we're going, right? They send me to a new school, and I'm sitting there with the dean, who's looking at my straight Fs and going, I don't know, because I told you I took a vow to not do homework, right? And grades.

[Adam Carolla]

What are grades?

[John Popper]

They're meaningless. I was already living this artistic attitude. I just didn't know it, right? And then I had a harmonica in my pocket and played for the guy, and he's like, well, we'll figure it out. It got me in.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable, Portable.

[John Popper]

If I played the piano, I'd have been screwed.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Even upright or baby grand. Like I said, John Popper, literally. I just got tears. I really. I was. Thankfully, I was wearing my sunglasses, but it really brought tears to me to watch you and listen to you do the acoustic set. I just. I love the voice. I love the talent. I love the commitment. I love the craft. And I'm just. And the fact that. That you take a song that's your song, but I suggested that is so amazing and powerful and lovely.

[John Popper]

Means a lot to me.

[Adam Carolla]

It means a lot to me that you've worked it back into the set. So, again, kudos to you. And, you know, I'm just forever a fan. I just. I just.

[John Popper]

As am I. And I mean, you know, I. I don't know how to respond when you.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep saying all this. Don't say anything. All I can say is, you know, I tell people, thank you so much.

[John Popper]

We're gonna get it on now, aren't we?

[Adam Carolla]

We're at least 69. And the fact that you came out and played, I mean, I was just sitting out on my lawn just thinking about when I used to mow people's lawns for a living and thinking about how big a fan I am of yours and that you'd play my. My Home is just. It's humbling, is what it is. So the great John Popper. Everybody rule. No, you rule.

[John Popper]

And do your kids need harmonicas, by the way?

[Adam Carolla]

They always need harmonicas because my son thinks he can play better than you. So you're gonna have to straighten him out.

[John Popper]

I gave Howie a harmonica. I gave him the cleanest one I have.

[Adam Carolla]

How? He's drunk. I got news for you. He's gonna vomit into that thing. Mother's day, by the way. This Sunday, baby. Let's make up for all the crap. Oh, whoa. When she told John, you need to be an engineer and he said, no, I'm gonna play the heart, baby. Just like Alanis Morrison. She said, who? And give it 20 years, you'll know who she is. That's right. Starting at only $19.99. That's a 40% savings. I got double the berries for just 10 bucks more. You can order now because the offer is going to expire soon. That is Sherry's berries. It's big, plump, beautiful, delectable, chocolate covered berries. And you can get it. B e r r I-E-S.com you click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and you enter Ace. You get. This is spectacular. And it makes me glad to be an American. John, thank you so much. I'm glad you're feeling better. Always a pleasure.

[John Popper]

Charcoal pills man, when you eat tequila and chicken soup. Charcoal pills.

[Adam Carolla]

Honor that you're here. We'll bring out Fitz and the tantrums.

[Allison Rosen]

So we, we do have a new album coming out. It is coming out on May 7th, which is Tuesday. So please go out and support us. Thank you guys so much for your energy.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys are awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Big ups to Adam for having us today.

[Adam Carolla]

You think it's over now you think we'll go away but we keep timeing and you can't touch us now and temporary this is not for play we're not your typical lighting what we're here for it's time we light it up I to the grain it's fully R and we ain't looking down Watch how we take the throne drop like a cannonball we take the lead though we're never going to battle don't the speaker is about to explain of we that fire so you better listen up don't let go this building is about to go don't the speaker is about to race now don't say no this building is about to go this building is about to go Bang bang here we go blow oh don't they know the speaker is about to his about to go don't they is about to explain. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. Fits in the tantrums, everybody. John Popper, everybody. Susanna Hobbs, everybody. Me. Thank you, Lynette, Listen, thank you again. Everyone's coming up and thanking me for putting this thing on. Thank you for coming out tonight. Thank you for contributing to a very worthy cause. Thank you for making the drive and the pilgrimage. Some people are coming out from Seattle, some people coming out from New York. Some people are coming out from San Diego, Oakland. So, you know, stop thanking me and start thanking yourselves or possibly your neighbors for coming out here. And again, the money's going to the children and the hospital and the hospital that the children live in and or at least spend some time in. So again, you can stop thanking me and start thanking yourselves. And it's not over. You got another 29 and a half minutes. We're starting getting the fire hoses and the German shepherds out. Not in that order, actually. Shepherds are starting first, then the fire hoses. I said, let's mix it up this year. Why do the fire hoses and then the German shepherds that can feel people. Let's do the shepherd's versus here. Then the fire hoses. They only speak German, so you know, your screams have stopped. And that's my femur. They don't understand. They just reckon the Deutsche. They don't understand. That's my femur tourniquet, things like that. They, again, there's no response. So again, just keep it close to the vest. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. I'm glad you're enjoying the day. And the Mangria. And again, fits in the tantrums, everybody. And again, all these amazing, amazing talents thanking me for bringing them in. And I just want to thank them for donating their time for coming in and doing an afternoon for a very worthy charity. And I want to thank Dawson and Chris Maxapata and Gary Haftart and Jay and Rob and all the rest of the crew for setting up the stage and putting up the porta potties and doing all the super sort of grunt work that never really gets any thanks. But I'm thanking them now. Enjoy your Mangria. We'll do another event very soon, and you're all invited.

[Eli Roth]

Thank you very much.

[John Popper]

All right, there's a 2013 benefit from Adam's old Malibu house coming up next, we have Adam Kroll show 1068 featuring.

[Adam Carolla]

Eli Roth, Brad Williams, Ray Oldhoffer, Allison.

[John Popper]

Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Lots of good stuff planned Old buddy Ray. Old Hoffer's coming in here in a couple of few. Brad Williams, comedian Brad Williams called in because he has a funny in flight dog story to share with us. He told me and Drew a couple weeks ago. I told him to save it for the air. And also director, actor, bear, Jew, Eli Roth coming in here, real good guy. Couple things. First things first, Pain and gain. You reviewed it yesterday. Yeah, I talked about yesterday and I said they kept hitting that thing. A true story based on a true story. And even halfway in or three quarters of the way in, like, can you believe this is a true story? They paused the film. I said, how can it be true that the rock's toe got shot off and he went and found it in a murky pond when the cops were shooting at him the whole time. And then you said, what'd I say? Shit. I said, it's a true story. You said.

[Allison Rosen]

He said it had to be true because it kept coming up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was a character. Yeah, the toe is a recurring character. Maybe not that particular point was true, but certainly getting his toe shot off was true because it kept coming.

[Allison Rosen]

So it tells me if Adam is bringing it up and going into length like that, it's not going to turn out that you were right, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

It never turns out. Can't be around your way to prove my point like that. Here's how you know you're in trouble. I either bring something up or I go, can I get a picture of you and your dog? Like if I chase you down by the baggage carousel, it's never going to be good.

[Allison Rosen]

And what's your cover? You just, you're thinking of getting a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

People are so exquisitely narcissistic that you can just go, I want to take a picture of you and your dog. And they immediately hold up because in their mind it's a trophy. In my mind it's a sack that farts and is covered with Lyme disease. But in their mind, it's like you can say to any kid, I don't care how fucking homely, you know, if you found Ben Stein when he was three years old and he found his bald patch, glass horn rimmed glasses, bow tie, tweed jacket. If you found that guy parents when he was three and he went like, oh my God, I'm gonna take a picture of your kids because he's so cute, but really just want to make fun of how ugly the baby was, they would happily hold, right? No parent ever goes, oh, come on, my kid's fucking homely. I know I know. All you're gonna do is talk shit about my kid and how homely they are. You do the same with anyone's dog, their kid or anything. All you do is feign a little interest in them and they immediately perk up. See what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

That's true. I know, I know. I've been thinking lately that maybe my dog isn't the cutest dog in the history of dogs. Maybe people are just blowing smoke up.

[Adam Carolla]

My ass just a wee bit. Alright, do we have that Wikipedia thing that I spoke about at length to Gary before the show? And there it is already. You want to read that there in the Me? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

In the film, Paul Doyle robbed an armored truck and got his toe shut off. That sequence is entirely fictional. No member of the Sun Jim Gang actually robbed an armored truck or had their toe shut off.

[Eli Roth]

Shot off.

[Adam Carolla]

So now here's my point. You fucking say it's a true story 10 times. Except for a lot of things that happen in the movie aren't true. You're yanking my chain, man. I mean, that's bullshit. Somebody's gotta. There has to be like, here's the thing. I can't just open a fucking burger joint and go 100% Kobe beef and it not be Kobe beef. True there is. Well, I can't open a gas station and go, here's how much is in a gallon? I can't say this is 91 octane if it's 87 octane. It's interesting to say that though, because if you say like, for example, calorie free, like on a product, my lot has to be like 90% calorie free. That's funny. They play fast and loose, but you know, based on a true story, it's like, well, it's a true story.

[Allison Rosen]

But is there any legal.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there should be some sort of sanctioning board that says at least 72% of this must have happened. You can't have whole storylines. I mean, that was a. The toe was a storyline. It was recurring several times after that point. Right. And so you're sitting there as I was sitting there going, God damn, I can't believe this is true. This is mind blowing. Of course, because I'm smart. I said this never happened. He never went and retrieved his toe, blah, blah, blah, it would be nice.

[Allison Rosen]

But also, hey, you're smart enough to.

[Adam Carolla]

Know you're not awesome for me as well. Point is, I knew it wasn't true. And thus what else in the story wasn't true? And now it's a true story. Except for you get to make up shit along the way. They showed the real characters at the end by remembering pictures and profile shots and everything. And the one thing that wasn't real was they're much better looking in the movie. Always seems to work out that way. All right. Big Cinco de Mayo Mangria blowout at my Malibu house coming up this weekend. That is Sunday. And all the money's going to the children's hospital. And the tickets are tax deductible. Only a few of the VIP tickets left. And Jimmy's going to be there, and Cousin Sal is going to be there. Howie Mandel coming by. Press the flesh with Howie. He insists upon.

[Allison Rosen]

He loves flesh pressing.

[Adam Carolla]

He loves the flesh. Flesh plesh. Okay. Anyway, you know what I'm saying. So come on out and say hi and hear some really good music with John Popper and Susanna Hoff and all that kind of stuff. Tickets still available. And speaking of flesh, I don't know if you guys had a hit off this Crave Jerky, but somebody tweeted me, they said, I'm ruined for regular jerky, like the gas station, salty, dry shit. You know, there's stuff like the Indians lived off of and Eskimos still live off of. They shouldn't be able to put it in the same category as that. It is not. Let me explain something. We drove to Merced four hours one way. Four hours back, we had a whole thing of the Crave jerky in here. I tried the Chipotle, and I was like, somebody's got to go to the shop on Saturday and get that jerky. Chris, because he's a maniac, went and got a box of jerky, and we ate it all the way. I ate the box, too. Oh, my God. Because it had dust on it so good. It smelled of jerk. Last night, Chris came up to me and goes, my mouth's so dry. I've been eating it all. The box. I keep them in the car. That's right. That's all he eats now.

[Eli Roth]

That's all he eats.

[Adam Carolla]

So today, came to the shop, ate two full packets, by the way, of the Chipotle. Can't get over the stuff. Low calorie, high protein. Did you try it, Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

I did. It was delicious. And when we were on stage and you said, because I knew that there was like a ton, a buttload of more jerky than anyone would think they would ever need, I figured, we have a lifetime supply of jerky here. And then when you said that, you came and Cleaned out the place. I was like, ah, crap. So I was happy that there's still jerky here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they got the cherry flavor. Like I said, low calorie, high protein, more protein than an egg. Fat free, no nitrates, gluten free. Just unbelievable stuff. And like I said, I'll give you a fair warning. You will be ruined. Now for jerky. So this is good. On the other hand, you'll be like a junkie who has to travel with his rig. You can get pulled over at the airport. You know what I mean? You try to bring that stuff into Turkey, you may go to some turkey jerky prison ironically and never escape. I mean, you have to travel. There's no such thing as going to the gas station buying jerky. Once you get on this, what I.

[Allison Rosen]

Like about it, on the back there's this little meter that says whether, like how sweet or spicy it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable stuff. Anyway, target, cost plus, World Market, Vons, it's all there. Or you can buy [e-mail]. enter the promo code ADAM for 10% off. You will not. You will thank me. Yes, in the form of dried meats. All right, so let's see. Brad is not on the phone. That was a funny conversation we had. I said to Gary on the way in, I said, alright, so we got, Brad's gonna call in, he's gonna tell us about this story on the airplane. He said, yeah. I said, well, what time's Brad calling in? He said, seven, when we start the show. I said, well, don't have him call in. Right, right when the show starts because I'm gonna be talking about jerky, talking shit for a little while about toes being blown off and things like that. Have him call in at 10 after, something like that, 15 after. Let me talk a little. I don't want to put the guy on hold. There's big celebrities. I mean, he's not big, but he's a celebrity. You know what I'm saying? He's a comedian. So I said, put him on. You know, And Gary said, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Brad's a big fan. He just wants to listen in. I said, yeah, but I feel weird. Put him on hold for 10, 15 minutes before we bring him on. He goes, that's what he wants to do. I said, okay, smash cut to Gary. Where's Brad? He's not on the phone. You've grown up a lot. This is from the guy who used to keep Loveline callers on hold who called in before the show.

[Allison Rosen]

He would Keep regular people on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

It was insane on Loveline that The show was 120 minutes. It was two hours, and people would call in. We would open the phone lines. Half hour, 25 minutes. Whenever Brian waltzed in there, we'd do it. Waddled in there. Waddled in. He was heavier back then, so he'd get in there, and he'd just start answering the phone. So there were times when I would look at the screen toward the end of the night and someone would be ON hold for 144 minutes. And I was like, how's that even possible? The show's not even. You know, there's five minutes. And I realized, oh, they called in 25 minutes before the show started. They were on. And then sometimes we'd go to them. They'd be asleep because they'd be calling from the East Coast. So it was the wee hours of the morning. I knew in their right mind would have hung up, but they fell asleep on the phone. Oh, please. There are many of them who would pop right up as soon as I called them, as soon as I picked up with him. All right, funny thing at the dinner table tonight. I was talking to my daughter's friend. I like to do the. What do you want to do? What do you like? What do you. This my son Again, the super unsatisfactory answer. What do you want to do, son? I want to be Iron Man. Okay, good. Write that down. It's going to work. I don't have to pay for college. It must be Iron Man. That's not the answer I'm looking for. I didn't ask what you wanted to do later on tonight. I'm talking about once the pubes start popping.

[Allison Rosen]

Future plans.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Speaking of that, remind me to get back to this one. But, you know, I was sitting around just thinking, today I don't get to see people with really bad skin anymore. I miss that, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

You don't think it's your eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean bad skin.

[Allison Rosen]

Like the episode of Facts of Life where they made fun of the guy and they called him Pizza face.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, back in the day, once in a while, there's two things I missed from my childhood. I missed the kid with the short leg who wore the add a leaf to the heel of the Nike. Like you padded the Nike. The matchbook under the table leg. Yeah. One Nike looked like Fred Gwynn's elevator shoes from the Munsters. And then the other one was regular. I missed that guy. That guy doesn't exist. Anymore. And I miss the guy, you know, or the chick where you just saw him and you went like, yeah, I had the same reaction. Always looked painful.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I think it was painful.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm pretty sure that kind of.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's cystic acne and I imagine it hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I, I mean it's not only painful, but it's like, ooh, it's got to be tough.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, on dates, job, you know, applying for jobs, like, you know, you just had that look on their face, you're like, what's that date like? You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, oh, did you guys never have bad skin?

[Adam Carolla]

I, I've had my share of zits, but I didn't have bad skin. But I, There used to be the kids, Pizza face. There was nothing you could do about all the scrubbing and all the bullshit. Turned out to be nothing but bullshit. Right. Right now I feel like everything's been solved.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody has really shitty skin anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I kind of miss it.

[Allison Rosen]

Pills and things people take.

[Adam Carolla]

Find me a guy with a short leg and bad skin to follow me around, make me feel better about that.

[Allison Rosen]

Who answers to the name Lucky Brad.

[Brad Williams]

I have short legs and I start eating a lot of pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what, let's lengthen one leg and see if we can't fuck up your skin just a little bit. It'd be cruel to shorten the other one. Brad Williams calling in one of my favorite comedians. And we were talking to Dr. Drew when you were in about an experience you had on an airplane. Yes.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. And this goes right along the lines of what you've been talking about with these damn service animals. I was flying. I was flying first class, which, which by the way, you haven't lived until you've been a midget sitting in a first class seat and watching the faces of all the passengers as they pass by and look down.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's such a fucking, it's such a waste. It's such a. Well, like when I'm just looking at the bottom of your kid sized Keds as I come by, you know, I mean just looking at the sole when I realize I'm going to the back and I'm gonna be essentially blowing myself for the next four hours and your feet aren't even touching the ground. It's like when I see like, it's like when I see Paris Hilton climb out of a $2,200,000 Ferrari. I just go, oh come on, it's wasted on her. It's waste. Yeah.

[Brad Williams]

She doesn't know what to do.

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't know what to do.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. So I'm sitting there setting up shop in the. People are walking by me and they. And like. But when they look down and see a midget in first class, they just kind of assume I'm a make a wish kid.

[Eli Roth]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It's going to go into Euro Disney first, last trip.

[Brad Williams]

But this was a red eye flight. And red eye flights, as you know, you're supposed to sleep. And so when you're supposed to sleep on the plane, they turn down the lights, they play a little soft music or whatever, and you go to sleep on this plane. They were not turning down the lights. The lights weren't going off. And I asked the flight attendant what was going on, and she said that one of the passengers has a service dog on the plane. And if the lights go off, the dog is afraid of the dark and the dog will bark.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you see what we've become, people? Is this a good day? Are we heading in a good direction? That's the one question I have to just ask, Is it good this direction we're going? And here's our problem. Our problem is we're like that British boy band, One Direction. We think everything. Like, people go, I'm Harry. Well, adorable. I don't care about your hygiene, sweetie. Let me finish my thought. Weird thing to blurt out. We could probably edit that out. Interesting note in sequitur. Yeah, Fun honeymoon. All right, here's what I'm saying. Everyone does this thing where we get back to, oh, so women now have the right to vote. We don't have a drinking fountain for colored people and white people. You don't think that's a good thing? That is a good thing. But that's done. Now let's stop because we're going. Like, we're doing this thing. Like, hey, we're progressive. Hey, we're progressive. Hey, we're. Knock it off. Every. Like I said, it's gonna be me and Gilligan, my service pelican on the plane. You'll all be sorry when Gilligan shits on your entree and eats your fucking service dog.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, here's the thing. I think this is fairly obvious. Any real service dog would not bark when the light would not be afraid of the dark. Like, if your dog is afraid of the dark, I believe that would mean that it is just a pet, not actually the dog that you need to get around or to do other things that actual service dogs do.

[Brad Williams]

Yes, I think we're supposed to draw the line when the service dog needs a service dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And the fact that there was no such thing as a dog on an airplane, unless you're Richard Belzer a few years ago, and I'm convinced a year from now there'll be no such thing as taking a flight with a dog without a dog on it. It'll be like smoking and non smoking. They're just gonna have to have a kennel section in Dogs for dogs on these planes. And if you're allergic or you have a problem with. By the way, a lot of people are freaked out by dogs. I've met many people that have been bitten by dogs when they're little kids and when they come to my house to do some work or something, they go, could you put the dog away please? And I go, she's real friendly. And they go, could you just put it upstairs and shut the door please? Because I've had a bad experience. It's irrational, but still it's a fear. Yeah, the phobia, every bit is real as whatever bullshit your dog is supposed to be doing for you on this flight. It may be doing it against someone else. I mean whether it's dander or whether it's just the people that are just plain old freaked out by dogs. There are those people. There is that portion of the population.

[Allison Rosen]

There should be dog free flights and then there should be an airline or there should be flights that are catered to your pet. I feel like that would be such a money maker.

[Adam Carolla]

Brad, you know what you need? You need a big service dog that you can ride, you know what I mean? Like a bull mastiff. Just a big like Rhodesian ridgeback. And you, you put a cowboy hat on and you get on that dog and you ride it and it's like.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd like to see a standard poodle.

[Adam Carolla]

And they would. Now Brett's. Oh, standard, yeah, standard. Standard, yeah. I think you can handle standard. I don't know though. I feel like they rear back a lot. You might get thrown off a poodle.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I feel like stick like Velcro.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I went with the ridgeback.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I see where you're going.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a ball grabber right there. You can't slide off the back of a ridgeback. It's going the wrong direction.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

[Brad Williams]

I could mosey it on into first class and then grab the collar and give it a little whoa. Just as they get to the seat Right, Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you make these kind of weird proclamations. There's only room in this first class for one dwarf on a Rhodesian ridgeback. And then you just. Yeah, you water them by the trough. See here. It'd be the ultimate. It'd be the ultimate service dog because you'd walk, you'd come in on the back of your dog and then you'd run into some cunt who was holding the little thing that had the servant. You're like, what's your dog for? First off, they'd be sickened by you riding your dog. Like, they'd be like, oh my God, what? And you'd be like, it's a service dog. And they'd go, dogs aren't supposed to work. Yeah. And you go, what's your dog doing? Well, for anxiety. Well, that's neither here nor there. That's almost. That's. That's less than a zero. I use my dog for transportation. That's how I got to the airport. I was gonna keep him in the long term. Parking. Parking could have keep over at Wally Park. They wanted too much. I'm riding them on the plane.

[Brad Williams]

See here, see, here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking the way things are going, I'm gonna be able to get two for one tickets pretty soon. Because let's say I'm flying with. Let's say I'm flying with a girl. With a girl. Hawaii.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brad Williams]

She pays for the ticket, I put on an orange fluorescent vest. I'm her service Mitchell. And then I get to fly for free.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me fix this for you. Two words, Baby Bjorn. Carries you right onto that plane. No questions asked. Facing forward, ideally, make sure you shave. I'm just saying you go backwards with the Baby Bjorn. No one's gonna stop her from getting on the plane.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, I just hop in like the kids from the hangover move, right, baby Carlos.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or she wears the 10 gallon cowboy hat and you just pop out of it mid flight. What are they going to do, turn the flight around? I don't think so. All right, Brad. By the way, you can find bradwilliams.com or bradwilliamscomedy.com and you can check him out and tweet him over at Funnybrad if you like. Alex. Funny. Brad. Thanks so much, Brad Williams. We appreciate you calling in.

[Brad Williams]

Thank you for having me, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Always a good time. Yeah, we're getting out of control. I told it. Everything that I complain about, I pre complain about will happen. The dogs on the Plane. The airports now have places for dogs to go potty. And let me say this, too. I know this sounds. This sounds stupid, but you know that thing where they go, hey, when you go into a supermarket and there's somebody sitting there just eating grapes and someone goes, so what? You go, well, you pay for that. I mean, it gets the super built into the price. Yeah. Pardon the pun. They're not going to eat it. You know, when the city does something, when a supermarket, whether it's private sector or public sector, when something happens, it's not for free. It gets absorbed by everyone else who goes to the market. So if an airport is building a dog park so that they can go number two on some AstroTurf inside the main terminal, 25 cents is getting added to everyone's ticket. You may not have a dog, you may never travel with your dog, but that thing ain't free, right? Fucking assholes. Fucking assholes.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever traveled with Molly?

[Adam Carolla]

No. No. The only thing I do. Hey, Gary, you want to know if Ray should come in? Is that what you're asking? You know, when I do this hand move like that, Because I'm not going to say it on the air. That'd be. You're telling around third and score. If I do this to your sign. Unless you want to go, yes, bring Ray in to the studio. But then that would interrupt our flow. So I don't want to do that.

[Allison Rosen]

Gary thought, no, we would not want to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Gary thought he was supposed to bunt. Okay. So, yes, my dog travels with me in my car and leaves fucking fur everywhere and slobber out the window. And then every once in a while, when I stop short, she falls off the front of the chair into the. Well where your feet go. Which is. Which is funny. What's going on there, Razo? I'm good. Yeah. Molly, bad time. Had a bad time with Molly today, which is I said to Molly this afternoon, you want to go for a walk? And as soon as you say that to Molly, she's up. And then she'll follow you around the house. It's the cutest thing in the world. So you go, you want to go for a walk, Molly? And she'll go, yeah, you know, do the Scooby thing. And then next thing you know, I'm just in the bathroom whizzing into this. I mean, brushing my teeth, and she. She literally plops down on my feet. She never follows me in the bathroom. Plops down on my feet. And then I'll get up and Go the computer and check something and she'll plop down on my feet again. And so for the. Wherever you go, she'll just plop down your feet. Except for. Then the phone rang and it was like kind of important phone call. End up talking some for about 45 minutes on the phone. In which case, poor Molly just like, what the fuck? Yeah, you promise? And in dog years, that's like nine hours. Have you ever peed on Molly? No. Don't lie. Right? I don't pee. Why would I pee on something that sleeps in the bed with me? Because you're. You do. You're going to the bathroom. Right? Right. Her head's right there. Oh, you mean just to wake her up? Keep her honest. It's tempting. I do like peeing on things, you know, if I'm outside.

[Eli Roth]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. But the fucking dog sleeps in my bed, Ray.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, at the feet.

[Adam Carolla]

So what? First off, Lynette would tap whiz on the dog's head. Dog's already suffered enough hardship with the. I peed on Molly's good ear. I'm just saying. Yeah, it's probably why it needed to be removed. Ray in studio. We'll do a couple of home improvement questions. By the way, godaddy baby. Yeah. You got a website? You're doing a wedding hobby blog podcast? Need a new domain name. GoDaddy Baby. It's only 99 cents. What the hell's 99 cents anymore?

[Eli Roth]

Go Molly.

[Adam Carolla]

99 cents is now free. Only 99 cents for new or transferred dot com. Less than a buck for a whole year. And then more dot com you can get for just 9.99 each domain. I think I invented a French basketball player. Each new domain comes with a free one page website, personalized email, photo album and 247 or as we like to round up 25 to 3010 customer support. Just enter Adam99 at checkout or click on the GoDaddy [e-mail] that's Adam, the number 9 and the number 9 [e-mail]. all right there, Raizo, what's going on with you? His second.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

From the ace man's lips to those.

[Adam Carolla]

In need, they cover it all. A to Z, roof to basement and in between. It's funny that Leno's band played this when I came out on stage. By the way, this Segment sponsored by MaximaStyle.com the best selection for energy Energy efficient LED bulbs like the ones we have here. And check us out, we all look really good. Damn, we do. Yeah.

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

We do.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, Ray. See a question you like up there?

[Eli Roth]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

First I have to say M A X X I M astyle.com. mmm. Now.

[Allison Rosen]

What a pro.

[Adam Carolla]

Bugs keep coming through his screens. Hmm. Old windows. Interesting. Door between kitchen and garage. Won't close. I like door related questions.

[Eli Roth]

I know you do. Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Justin, I guess you're taking that one. Fuck yeah. Sacramento.

[Brad Williams]

You know it.

[Adam Carolla]

26 years of age.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Justin, did you own your own house?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, I just bought it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God. It's like you're still in high school and you got a house.

[Eli Roth]

You're telling me, man.

[Brad Williams]

It's unreal.

[Adam Carolla]

Justin, what did your wife put down on it?

[Brad Williams]

Please, man. You only got to put down three and a half percent.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray. Ray still lives apartment. He's almost 50. Still living apartment.

[Eli Roth]

I'm gonna be 50 and I'm gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

Be 50 in 29 days. Justin, what if you had a kid and he was gonna be 50 and he still lived in an apartment?

[Eli Roth]

Name him Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

What's wrong with that? So the door. Yeah. Yeah. You'll have a fleet of houses.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that true you only have to put down 3.5%?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just waiting for the apocalypse. A Fair Housing act loan, it's a longer process, but you only have to put down. And a much smaller percentage door between the kitchen and the garage won't close. Move, Justin, move now. Oh, shut up. Immediately. Top of the door hinge is almost to the point of splitting the wood. All right, so where's it rubbing at the bottom? No.

[Brad Williams]

Okay, so I went ahead and took the top hinge plate out because they have the door notched out so that hinge would sit flush with the door. And same with the door jamb, but they fucked up the notch on.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, wait. The mortise, it's called a mortise.

[Brad Williams]

Okay, you guys know the terms, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Eli Roth]

All right. Your name's Justin.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Eli Roth]

His name's Mortis.

[Adam Carolla]

Mortis. Sounds like a nice Jewish boy. Your mama would have won.

[Eli Roth]

I've married.

[Adam Carolla]

So what's wrong with Mortis? Mom, he's so boring. But he's. He's not circumcised. His father's a dentist. Come on, he's just solid. He comes from a good family. All right, Sorry, we're doing Yenthel. What's going on? Mortise. Mortise?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, mortise.

[Eli Roth]

That's your turn. I just pulled it out.

[Brad Williams]

But that hinge, the mortise is not where it needs to be on the door jamb side. So, like it fits Flush on the top part. But on the bottom part, the hinge is sticking out over the mortise.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Brad Williams]

The door just doesn't close right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brad Williams]

Can I just get, like, a chisel and kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the way to do it. Well, here's what you would do. All right? First of all, you gotta get square. Okay? But if somebody wants to mortise out something, the hinge is not popped in. It's popped out. It's hanging out, surface mount sitting on top of the jamb. It's not flush. Yeah. Don't get a chisel and just whack it because it's hard to go against the grain. Cross grain with the chisel. Get a real sharp chisel. You can sharpen chisels, by the way. Or ratchet. Mmm. This. He's gonna fuck it up. A router. He doesn't have a router. He can't handle a router. Router's too much tool for him.

[Allison Rosen]

The mortise is the little thing that the door. The door china.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the door china. That it snaps into. Justin, do you own a router? I don't.

[Brad Williams]

My dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. His dad does. Well, my dad has a. Dad's also buddies with Edward James. Almost with the worst acne in the world, huh? Nice. Time. All right. Right. Quiet down there. Hold on. I got more written down here. All right, here's the deal. Hold on. You take a utility knife and you cut around that hinge. Cut it, cut it in, cut it in, cross it, cut it real good, and then you tamp it with a hammer. Finish here for a second, right? Cut it real good around the hinge. You don't have to tamp it with a hammer. What do you want to tamp with the hammer?

[Eli Roth]

Because you want to get deep enough to bury that hinge.

[Adam Carolla]

I say once you cut it, once you score it real good, then you can pop the hinge off and use a sharp chisel and clean it up at that point. All right? No argument. Okay. All right. You got a call up there. You like. What do you like?

[Eli Roth]

I like Wisconsin. Just because I like Wisconsin.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, does that have a number or a name next to it? That has line four. All right, let's go to line one. Willy and Corey, 27. Oh, fuck. Yeah. How's that going? All right. Willie, I tried.

[Brad Williams]

Hey, Ace, man and Ray, get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Calling from Wisconsin. 23. There's no way you own a home at 23.

[Brad Williams]

No, I do not. I just graduated college.

[Adam Carolla]

Willie, if you were here, I'd kiss you. Go badgers.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, go badgers.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Brad Williams]

Like the description said, I got a problem with a window in my apartment and I a cheap ass landlord that won't pay for it. But I'm getting bugs that are getting through the screens and through like the sides of the windows. And they're just infesting my place, wondering if there's a way to seal them up without, I don't know, putting in a new window. Like I said, my landlord is just too cheap to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I always like the look of foil on a window. It's classy. Says the world. We're shooting porn, but not snuff porn. That's right. So mind your own business. Well, getting a screen that fits and screens they'll make for you, they're pretty easy. I mean you measure the id, the inner dimension of the window and then you go down to the whatever store and they'll make them for you. Now keep in mind, what they're going to make for you is going to be square. And where you're going to put it is going to be a little out of plum, little out of square. And so even if the dimensions and everyone has to remember this, you take the dimensions of something and you go, all right, it's 32 inches at the top and 32 inches at the bottom and it's 46 inches high. But if what you try to put into into that space is exactly square and the things a little bit racked, it ain't gonna fit. Not working. So feel free to deduct, you know, good solid eight from, you know, around everything. Around, around everything. And by the way, where are the.

[Eli Roth]

Bugs coming in from? Do you know where?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, can you see them? Yeah, because they might be.

[Brad Williams]

They get through the screen and then they're stuck in between like two panes of window glass. And then they get around the sides of the windows.

[Adam Carolla]

I just want to hear this guy talk because that accents just killing me. Keep going.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, accent what?

[Adam Carolla]

All right. And what'd you study in college, Willie?

[Brad Williams]

I went to school for construction management.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there such a thing?

[Brad Williams]

Well, that might school there was uh huh.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're gonna work in the field?

[Brad Williams]

Yes, I do. I'm a project manager for a construction company.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute, you can't figure this one out? How's that going? Did you fail? Be great building a commercial skyscraper for right now. Can't figure out the screen. Figure out this fucking screen. Oh, you're doing a pipeline?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, I work for a pipeline company.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that that means he smokes bass. What goes on? More good stuff, right? What goes on? Do you bury it? Is it above ground? Some of it buried.

[Brad Williams]

We do something called horizontal directional drilling where we'll drill, we'll take like a 36 inch or larger giant auger and drill into the ground and then shove a pipe through there for miles and then lay a pipe down there too.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. I bet you, I bet you.

[Eli Roth]

What are they drilling for?

[Adam Carolla]

Eh? Natural gas. What are you doing, like fracking them?

[Brad Williams]

Natural gas going right now, we are actually doing the Keystone pipeline, so we see a lot of protesters too. The pipeline that's going from Texas to Canada, right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so you guys are doing tons of fracking and doing all that.

[Eli Roth]

Kind of stuff and setting it up north.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I don't understand about any of this, like Keystone pipeline, stuff like that. I understand that everyone wants cars that run, that run off of good vibes, but we don't really have that technology. Like the solar panel on the roof of your car is just not gonna run your car. So instead we're going to just send over bundles of money to the worst people on the planet. We are gonna take people that think it'd be a good idea to throw acid in the face of girls because they caught them reading Mark Twain and fucking just make them rich beyond anyone's wildest imagination. And then when somebody says, well look, we got a lot of reserves in the shale here on the west coast or we can do a Keystone pipeline, everyone goes, not so fast. We gotta bundle up some more money and send it to the worst place on the planet. And it's like, I understand conceptually what you're talking about. I'd like solar farms and wind farms and all that kind of stuff, but we're a good period of time away from that. I mean, I mean we made an announcement somewhere in like, you know, Jimmy Carter in like, you know, 1972. We need to be oil and energy independent inside of 10 years. You know, it's like by 1980, independence from oil, well, Exxon Valdez and all the other disasters that took place when the stuff, you know, when the tanker ships, you know, went aground and spilled all the oil all over the coastline and all that stuff, like that notion, I mean, in terms of ideas, in 100 years or 200 years, Berlin Wall versus sending the tanker ships to the worst place on the planet to give the worst people on the planet a whole fuckload of money so that they could get Taylor Swift to do like private Concerts for their nine year olds on just the idea spectrum. When we're sitting on top of a ton of fucking energy, what do you think is gonna be looked further down upon? I mean, coin flip, Coin toss. Jesus fucking Christ. Let's build a fucking pipeline. We'll have a bunch of energy and we'll put a bunch of people to work.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you think we will stop being dependent on the worst people in the world in our lifetimes? I doubt it.

[Adam Carolla]

Not as long as Adam and I are friends. I think it's two. I think it's two things. I think first off, you, whoever, whatever companies bring it from here to there and have the deals with them. Not on their fucking watch, right? Like, not as long as they have lobbyists that are going to make sure this shit doesn't happen. And not as long as there's, you know, a new generation of retards like Martin Sheen who are going to chain themselves to bulldozers. Thanks, Marty, Thanks. We have no nuclear energy, but instead we have people dying in coal mines and sulfur being belched up into the fucking atmosphere because you chained yourself to fucking bulldozer in 1976, you fucking hero. Thanks, asswipe. Anyway, about the screen. Figure it out. Hey, Willy.

[Brad Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You keep going. And when those Sierra Club guys come around, you tell them to take a hype from hike to hell and you tell them I said so.

[Brad Williams]

I'll tell him that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, buddy. Good times.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, my old apartment didn't have any screens, so it was constantly bugs. Are landlords supposed to provide screens?

[Adam Carolla]

Read your lease. It's all. It's that kind of thing. Like if you have rent control, they provide nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't have that.

[Adam Carolla]

So if you're paying like market value, then they should do stuff what I like, which they have. Somebody tweeted me this and they're right. And it doesn't work all the time, but it's like what stores have. Is that like Air Blade? Okay, because. All right, your supermarket or department store, whatever, and you got the doors coming open and close all the time, Right. Any commercial food service has to have it. Yeah. And so why isn't your supermarket filled with flies?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, they blow them out.

[Adam Carolla]

They blow them out.

[Eli Roth]

I love that right when you open the door.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's to keep bugs out. I wonder, can people get that in their houses and apartments?

[Adam Carolla]

That's why, Brad, Marilyn Monroe got it up on you. Shut up, Ray, with your horrible jokes, huh? That's why Brad Williams can't get into the Safeway thank you. Oh, that was a good one. It's worth waiting for. Yeah, yeah, and caller number. Let's take another call, Right? I'm gonna check when the next close mic night is over at the improv to get over there. That's funny stuff too. Are you done with the comedy? Right about noonish. Good. Monday. All right, I'll see you tomorrow morning. Yeah, take another call. I. Hold on a second. No, I'm wondering if there's one fly that's training like. Like a wedge buster, you know what I mean? Like one fly where they're like, you can fucking do it. Yeah, you can do it. You get a good head of steam. Be good children's book. Get a fucking good head of steam. You bust through that air knife and then we'll be behind you. It's like bump draft. That's right. You can bust through it if you get it. Like you got to get the horse fly. Clydesdale fly. You gotta get beefed up. Come on, eat more of that dog shit. Let's go. Training montage for the fly.

[Allison Rosen]

The tiny fly blowing a tiny whistle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. That's right. I'm not gonna lie to you. We're not all gonna make it doing a weird log roll thing on a piece of shit in a sewer. Training. That's their treadmill.

[Allison Rosen]

Imagine the vignette.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the great vignette.

[Allison Rosen]

The fly beefs up, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And then he gets. Then he drops down. He's got to drop down and just get that fucking hard move so he can bust through that invisible hymen to get into the Safeway. And once he cracks it, they can all follow it in. It's like an old professor fly with a stopwatch. That's right. Training him. Come on, you can do it. Mm, yeah, I like that. I like that idea. Somebody was telling me those big crane flies can't get through that stuff too. They're all wispy. Yeah. Mm. All right, Ray, we good? Wanna take one more? Yeah, one more. Basement is open. Stairway. Mm. Make it quieter. Alright, let's talk to line two. Hey, Corey.

[Brad Williams]

Oh, my God. Hey, friend. What's going on?

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on? Corey? 27, Baltimore. Do you own your own home?

[Brad Williams]

Oh, and for the purposes of this conversation, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Such a winner, you know?

[Brad Williams]

Born with a house. Born into my own house. It's unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that. Oh, hold on a second. You guys tell me what etiquette is. I won't throw the guy's name out there because Ray knows him. Not well. But I'm getting my hair cut the other day and I sit next to this dude and we just sort of have a little chat. And he goes, I think you know my sister. I think you went to high school with my sister. And he throws his sister's name out. Wendy. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know her. Yeah. How's she doing? She lives up Portland or something. Oh, good. Doing good. Fantastic. How about you? What's. What are you up to? He says, I got a house over there, you know, Studio City. I said, oh, good, good, good for you. He said, yeah. I said, where is it? Oh, it's the same house. I said, oh, from when? High school and stuff, when I used to come by. Yeah, still living there. And it's like. But the guy's 47. And so it's like the parents moved to Palm Springs or whatever. And I did that thing where it's like it went from, oh, you got your own place in Studio City to. So there's another weird one where like.

[Eli Roth]

Hey, I'm taking care of my parents now, but I never really moved out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wasn't sure what, what my reaction should be on, on that one. My elderly neighbor across the street just passed away and he, he was 80 something. His parent, he lived in the house his parents had lived in, so in west la, probably the early part of last century. So I don't know. That's kind of, at a certain point, honorable I think it's sad. It sounds like a European thing. It may have been maybe immigrants. I'm laughing because my mom lives in my. Her mom's flop house, kind of. It's a. It's a little lateral move from living in the same house. She bought a piece of shit for $9,000 to rent out to people. But this is the problem. If you fuck with your daughter, then she's gonna flop in your rental property for the rest of your natural life. And that's what happened. Cory. The hell were we? Did I put him on hold? Corey.

[Brad Williams]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Basement. Open. Stairway.

[Brad Williams]

Mm, that way.

[Adam Carolla]

You're keeping your parents under those stairs? Is it creaky?

[Brad Williams]

No, it's not creaky. It's carpeted.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And your question is what?

[Brad Williams]

Basically, I've just been putting up with my roommates, hearing everything they're doing in the morning. I work. I work a shift, work. So every week I have a different rotation so I can never get any sleep. All I hear is pitter patter and people talking. So I'm trying to Figure out a way, if there's any way to hang a sheet or do some. Anything I can do, really. Just make it quieter, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Make what quieter? What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

Do you live in the basement?

[Brad Williams]

Yeah. So I live in a townhouse and I have two other roommates and I have the basement to myself. And it's just an open, open aired staircase, you know, so when anyone's walking by, if they're talking on the phone or anything, I. I can hear every word of their conversation. And I don't know, I'm just trying to cover it up, maybe put a buffer there. Sound doesn't get down.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, forget about this. We're not going to bring the mountain to Mohammed here. You can't block out the world. You got to block out your ears. You got to get yourself some industrial strength ears, ear protection. I molded my own. I did it. They have a kid. It's not bad.

[Eli Roth]

Do you cast it in your head?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Really? Mm. That's kind of nice. Yeah, it's just like what I'm doing with my new independent film. Huh? Meryl Streep playing the lead. Cast it in my head. Who's playing you? Oh, man, I'll do it. It's that kid from the Hangover. A good looking one. No, Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper's playing me? No, I want a younger one. I want me to be younger. So, Corey, here's what you do. You go online and I think for like 12 or 13 bucks, everyone should do this. You get this earplug stuff and it's a two part system. Now there's an expensive version where you make a mold, you send it into a lab, and they send you back the impressions. But there's a cheaper one, which I never understood. I did both for racing because I have a couple cars that are pretty loud. But you take this stuff and it's like part A and part B. It's like epoxy. It's resin and catalyst. And once you start mixing it together, it will do nothing. It will feel like taffy on a hot day. A and B for 2,000 years. But if you put it together, you have nine minutes to work with it before it turns into a Super Ball. And what you do is you do it up and it just becomes like. It's like Silly Putty. And you mash it into your ears. You just fucking mash it.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have fingers or is there an applicator?

[Adam Carolla]

No, just. You just literally throw it into a ball and smash it into a. I mean, you make it into two. Size, like, let's say two. Took three, four pieces of chewing gum, chewed up, made into a ball. Shove it in your ears. I made a butt plug out of what I had left over because why not? I'm sitting there with the material. Duh. That was a gimme. How many orifices do I have to fill? Matt helped out on that one. Nine. Yeah. Just a quick safety tip. You're going the butt plug route. Go ahead and shave. Shave and put a string in there first so you can get it out. That's a little difficult. Yeah. Wait, so they worked really well. Which one worked better, the one you.

[Eli Roth]

Sent away for or the one A and B you did yourself?

[Adam Carolla]

The one I sent away for was like 150 bucks. It had to go to some lab in Texas. And it worked pretty good. This one works pretty good too. So you make the mold and then you leave it in your ear for, you know, eight minutes. And then it hardens and then you pop it out and then you have some custom made industrial. I mean, it's like you remember when we played football, when you have a mouthpiece and you just put it in, it's not for your mouth. You heat it up, you put it in your mouth, you bite down on it. Now it's made for you. And that's what these earplugs are. So do that, get a nice eye shade, and have fun sawing the logs. Done and done. I told you I had a little condescending conversation with Matt the porcelain punisher. What? Uh, oh, I had the two blue ear things and I put them in my ears and then I pulled them out and I said, now I'm going to write an R on the right side so I know which one is which. What do you think I'm going to write on the left side? And he said an L and I said, no, nothing. Because why? Why would you. That'll be the one that's not the right side. I don't have a third ear. As long as I don't get the butt plug mixed up, I'll be fine. But they all look alike. That's right. All right, thank you so much for your home improvement phone calls, Ray. What do you. You're like, tweeting and stuff now, right? Yeah, I do. Mm. Podcast Ace on the house, by the way. Yeah, I do, Mr. Ray. Everyone loves that show Saturday on itunes. And you can get at the Adam Kroll app and AceOnTheHouse.com or as my dad would call it, Ace on the roof, because why would he get anything right? Technically, Right. That's true. All right, little outro. Hey, thanks to MaximaStyle.com use the code Adam 80am for additional savings.

[Eli Roth]

And thank you for listening.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what we should do is take a quick break. Eli Roth is out there. We spoke to him in a little while. Very good guy. Excited about that. And, oh, by the way, boom. Do we have the boom ringtone? It's available. Let's hear it. Boom. Great Alert for any text that comes through. Boom. You can search porcelain punisher in the iTunes ringtone store. So, boom. Punch in Porcelain Punisher. All right, go to itunes. Punch in Porcelain punisher. Boom. And there you go. Pick up that ringtone. I kind of like that. I like it too. All right, quick break. Back with Eli Roth next. Eli Roth in studio. Good to see you as usual. Eli, a pleasure as always. Glad to be back, Eli. Probably most noted for hostile, well, actually the bear Jew, which Inglourious Basterds. I love that movie, by the way. I just love that goddamn movie.

[Eli Roth]

It was. It was truly. It was like the Jewish wet dream to go to Germany and shoot Hitler and bash the Nazis with a baseball bat. It was weird how much I had spent a part of my life actually fantasizing about doing those things and to get them, act them out. And what I found was the German actor had the same fantasy. Like, when you were bashing the guy's head in, that actor was like, yeah, we get to kill these guys. And even the guys playing Goebbels or Hitler were like, they had had the fantasy, like, having grown up with this, of just killing them. So it was this weirdly joyous experience for everyone. We were filming the most violent scenes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it did. I mean, I feel like it's what sane Americans should feel about, like, the grand wizard of the Klan and stuff like that. Like, come on, you're fucking things up for me. You know what I mean? Like Germany, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, you're trying to be quietly racist.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm bigoted. I'm bigoted.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I'm setting my ways.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm setting my ways. It's different.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're fucking it up for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm barely bigoted, and all of a sudden we're getting painted as a racist. You're old school. I'm old school. Set my ways. Aftershock is the name of the new movie. It is out maybe 10th and again, hostile. Well, what can you say? Cost 4 million bucks to make and made over 150 million to date.

[Eli Roth]

It did well. It did really well. It was kind of a shock because at the time there hadn't really been that level of violence in movies. But at the time, it was sort of the Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld era of American imperialism. And, you know, I kind of. I like to make movies about stuff that I find very disturbing. And certainly Bush and Chaney and Rumsfeld at the time, I found very freaky.

[Adam Carolla]

And you did this one on your own, like this independent. This is like you. I have an idea. I'm gonna write it, I'm gonna produce it, I'm gonna draw it very similar to.

[Eli Roth]

By the way, I again want to compliment you on your performance in the Hammer. The Hammer. If people have not seen that movie, obviously you know that Adam can box and you know that he's funny, but your dramatic acting in that movie was incredible. It was such an enjoyable experience to see that movie. And I feel like if that movie came out now or had like a re release now with VOD and itunes, there's a whole new way to give indie movies a fighting chance against the Iron man threes, which is exactly how we're releasing Aftershock, which is a low budget movie that we shot independently in Chile, but it'll come out in 100 theaters, but also it'll be on your Time Warner cable. It'll be on itunes. It's everywhere. Basically, you can just. You can just buy the movie and watch it in your house or see it in the theaters. But these movies like Bachelorette and Arbitrage, there are a lot of movies that are getting massive audiences because people are, you know, people have it right there in their homes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, a dollar short and a day late, as per usual. But don't worry, I'll do another movie one of these days. I'm actually going to go shoot a little Kickstarter type video with the great Bryan Cranston tomorrow.

[Eli Roth]

So, by the way, how about. What's his name? Zach braff. Just raised $2 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable.

[Eli Roth]

Two million do. This new Kickstarter thing is changing everything. I've actually thought about funding movies this way because you don't have to pay back any investors. And then basically, whatever the release plan is, you own the movie 100% and you have nothing to lose. You don't have to pay anybody back.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how did you. What was the budget for this one?

[Eli Roth]

Aftershock, we did for around 2 million, and I got the money from some doctors in Buffalo. Now they put up the money, but then what I do is I pre sell different territories. Like we pre sell England for half a million dollars and you pre sell Germany for 200,000. And they buy it on my name and on the script and on the premise. And I say, okay, it's a horror thriller. It's Earthquake. Sometimes you have to shoot a little teaser and sometimes territories will wait and then we'll cut like a sizzle reel of like five or 10 minutes and they'll go, okay, here's 400,000. And that's what we did. And basically you pay for the movie so that you hold back the U.S. the movie's completely paid for. And then we made a deal with Dimension to release the film this way.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw. And you shot how many. How many days?

[Eli Roth]

It was 40 days. But what's cool now is that this is my friend Nicholas Lopez, who. He lived through the earthquake in Chile. I remember we're talking about how can we shoot a movie in Chile. He's been shooting a lot of films there. And he's like, dude, I shot my last feature on a Canon 7D and I put it in theaters and nobody knew that I shot it on a Canon. People thought I shot on 35 millimeter film. Like, there's no fucking way you can do that, dude. And I went down there and we did tests and he's like, put a really nice lens on a 70 or a 5D and if you light it right, it looks like 35 millimeter. So we just, we shot the entire movie on SLR cameras.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not only for those who are interested, it's not only the film, obviously, it's the processing, but the editing and all this stuff. It's just so much faster. I mean, you can see what you're shooting. You can play it back, you can edit as you go.

[Eli Roth]

The camera literally cost $2,500, which you couldn't even do two years ago. And the software and the way you can edit it now on your computer, and they're giving away DaVinci color correction, which used to be like so expensive. They give the software for free. So you can now if you want to buy the hardware, that's how they make their money. So things like Avid, Final Cut, the sound mixing, all that stuff that used to be so expensive is so cheap now. And we're just basically putting a lot of stuff into building the sets and the production value. But it's sort of like what it used to cost to make an independent film. The cost has come down. It's incredible now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I have mixed feelings about this. It's the same way I feel about like podcasting. Like anybody can have their own radio station now and anyone can shoot their own film and anyone can cut their own CD or make their own music or record their own music or whatever. And that's great if you're Eli Roth, but it's not great if you suck like 99% of people do at their attempts at art. So it's gonna mean a flood of shit too, right?

[Eli Roth]

But that's the history. But it's also exciting. Cause it makes everyone step their game up. It's sometimes in that flood of shit you get like one diamond that flies.

[Adam Carolla]

One brilliant turd does rise to the top, right?

[Eli Roth]

Yeah. I mean they say that cream rises to the top, but the truth is, if you think about it, think of how long the electric guitar has been around. But then there's comes John Lennon or Jimi Hendrix or you know, one of these people that understands or you know, Kurt Cobain that just does it in a completely different way. I think it's great. I mean, it used to be. I think we're getting a lot better movies. I mean, when I saw an independent movie years ago, it was so expensive to get the film and the cameras. A lot of movies just sucked. They were these self important pieces of shit. And now the fact that we can take our cameras, like when we shot the earthquake sequence, we were really smashing things. We took the same cameras that we're using in this room now, like the cannons, like that, and we put them on a remote control helicopter and we flew it through the city. And suddenly you put it through a little stabilizing software. It looks like Spider man level shots. So it's exciting. I think it's really cool, the Chile.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what it was over there, seven point whatever, or maybe more. But it's 8.8, that's pretty massive.

[Eli Roth]

They got beat by Japan. It was like 8.8 and I think Japan was 8.9. But yeah, it was crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

And also like I always tell people, because they used to do earthquake rehab. Unreinforced concrete. Bad news in earthquake country. You need bunch of plywood and a bunch of two by fours, you'll be fine.

[Eli Roth]

Well, you know the thing with the earthquake was it hit during the summer at 3:30 in the morning and a lot of people were in the clubs, so they were just like out. And you know, they go all night in Chile, they go to like 6 in the morning. It's very modern. It actually looks very similar to La In Santiago. But what happened was everyone. You know, the clubs just started crashing down. There's a cast member, her friend got both his hands cut off. And then everyone was looking for the hands, but then they were worried the club was gonna collapse. And they found one. And then someone took one like crazy. And then the.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone took one?

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, they put it in a bag. And then the bag got taken. They couldn't find the hand. Wow. And then you couldn't call the police. You couldn't call the fire. The cell phones went out. And my friend Nicholas, who I wrote it with, he picked up his landline to call his mother and realized he didn't know his own mother's phone number. Cause it was all on his cell phone. Everything's in the iPhone. Then the prisons broke open.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh.

[Eli Roth]

And so prisoners were gutting out. And then what happened was the tsunami warnings came in. The tsunami sirens went off. So everyone started fucking freaking out and running for the hills. And Chile and Japan communicate to see they're on, like, the same, I guess, line of whether tsunami's gonna hit in Japan's like, it doesn't look like it's gonna hit. And then four hours at, like, five in the morning, when people went back to their beds and went to sleep, like, tsunami came and wiped out 2,000 people. So, like, the stories that he told me of what happened that night, we're like, okay, let's not make the Oscar version of this. Let's do this, like, as, you know, kind of an exciting genre thriller. But the stories of what he told me were, so. Were fucking incredible. And the club where we filmed the earthquake, like, where the ceiling collapsing, speakers falling. He went through the security camera footage, and we basically recreated what he saw. Like, there was one guy that was. The speakers fell and just crushed him to death. Because people were running for the eggs, and they're climbing over the speakers and crushed the guy. But then they got crushed in the doorway. It was. And everyone was drunk, and it was the last weekend of summer, so everyone's like, high heels and skirts. And it was. It was crazy filming it.

[Adam Carolla]

And what were the chicks wearing?

[Eli Roth]

The chicks were wearing thongs, and they looked really hot in blood.

[Adam Carolla]

The. Did you see the movie Earthquake?

[Eli Roth]

I love Earthquake.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course I. I love Earthquake too. You gotta watch that movie. I never seen Earthquake. It's. It's Irwin Allen, who, I guess did Poseidon Adventure, did all the great designs. Towering Inferno. Poseidon Adventure was a really good movie. It was always the same thing. It's like somewhere around Act 1, the engineer would come in or the architect and we'd go, those girders need to be supported. And they'd go, please, we're saving money here, now get out of here. And it's like, okay, well, I guess we know what's gonna happen.

[Eli Roth]

But he also would. Oh, it was what the genius of Ern Allen is. He would get basically every great actor. It was the 70s. And he would get every Academy Award winning actor from 1936. It would be like Henry Fonda, Tyrone Power, John Gielgud, Joan Fontaine.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd be like, what? Agnes Moore?

[Eli Roth]

They're like 78 years old in these movies. But. And then the bottom of the poster would have like 25 faces of all these Oscar winners. People were like, oh, this must be good. All these people are in it one scene, they get killed.

[Adam Carolla]

Fine. It was sort of. He was it really. It's like. It's sort of like what the Love Boat did later on. They went, literally, let's find washed up actors. Literally washed up. And we'll throw them on our boat.

[Eli Roth]

Throw them on our boat.

[Adam Carolla]

It was this crazy, just cavalcade of stars, but Joan Blondell, you know, like people you parents had heard of, but.

[Eli Roth]

You never heard of. Like, what's a good movie? Joan Blondell's in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. Find you find the poster of Towering Inferno, because that one had Steve McQueen. OJ was in that bad boy too. But then it'd be like Red buttons. Or be like Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney. Crazy. Oh, was an airport like that.

[John Popper]

Dean Martin was in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Fred Astaire. Yeah, would be. And it's like. So you get this like crazy, just. I've heard of him, heard of him, heard of him. Know her, know her. Wanted fuck her. When I was in junior high, like it was just like a none nonstop. And then you just put them all in a building that caught on fire.

[Eli Roth]

And they just light them on fire and then what? You know, we actually wanted to do Irwin Allen style.

[Adam Carolla]

Paul Newman.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, we wanted to do Irwin Allen's. What they did back then was they really destroyed shit. And that's one of the nice things about shooting in Chile is Nicholas and I, we want to start what we call. You got it. We wanted to call it chile wood. Where it's like there's sort of. The rules are so much more lax about safety that we could. I remember we're shooting the club scene. We're dropping a huge like 20 foot. You would have loved the construction of it. Piece of plaster on the floor. And so we had all these, like, girls in miniskirts and heels running across and rehearsing it. And I said to the. To Nico, the director, I was like, look at all. I didn't know there were so many stunt girls. He's like, green goes stunt girls. And literally they were just.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you say drunk, my friend?

[Eli Roth]

And there were certain things, like, a lot of Santiago still destroyed from the earthquake. So there's a scene where I'm in the cemetery and a huge piece of concrete falls on me, and I'm, like, trapped. And they can't move. You know what to do. And I looked over and there were all these. These skeletons and broken open tombs. And I said. I was like, man, the art department's amazing. They, like, have put all these skeletons. And he's like, dude, they just unlocked this for us. This has been closed since the earthquake. I'm like, what?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Eli Roth]

We didn't dress anything.

[Adam Carolla]

We literally put stuff just like, popped open and fell apart.

[Eli Roth]

We walked through the graveyards and, like, the whole thing shook. And they don't bury them in the ground, they stack them upward like filing cabinet systems.

[Adam Carolla]

Raiders of the Lost Ark, Closer to God.

[Eli Roth]

So you got. So they all broke open. So they're just bones and cracked tombs and the aftershocks, they couldn't even repair it. So they closed it down. We're like, can you open it for us and let us shoot there? And they did, which is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

What is Find Me, by the way, Earthquake. Because find me some more real celebrities in there. Tarantino. Insane. Not in a bad way, but just a crazy dude.

[Eli Roth]

You know, Quentin. There's definitely the, like, Interview Quentin Persona, which, like any of us, I mean, I guess after you've done it for a while, you're sort of relax. But there's the. I'm excited. Talking about movies. Quentin. But Quentin's a very normal dude. I mean, he's brilliant. Like, there's certain people that you meet and you're like, that guy's a genius at comedy. That person's a genius at this. Quentin, like, when you actually get in a conversation with him and you start talking about his knowledge of history, like, even the card game in Inglourious Bastard, Polo Negri and Female Sergeant Beethoven, he was like, well, yeah, actually Polo Negrit went undercover in Frau von Hammersmark as a nod to her character. Like, his knowledge of American history, world history, and European history is truly astounding. And that's all he does, is he sits and reads books. I mean, people think he's just like a nerd watching movies. But that guy sits and reads more than anyone I know, and he just absorbs it all. Like, he has. That. He has a mind like a novelist.

[Adam Carolla]

I love the fact that he is so confident in his writing and his performers that he lets those scenes just breathe. And if he. If there was anybody who had any creative say over him, they would have been. You take that scene with the dairy farmer. It's coming in at 21 minutes. I need that thing at about seven to nine minutes. We need to start whack and get Quentin. These guys play cards forever. Yeah. Like, they just. But what people don't realize is that is there's this part of life where we all want to just hustle right past the foreplay. Like, that's what you want to do. You want to get right into fucking and sucking. But the fucking and sucking is a lot better when there's some heavy petting going on. When that building.

[Eli Roth]

As much as we don't want to admit it, we don't want to admit.

[Adam Carolla]

It, and we want to just blow past it. Pardon the pun, but Tarantino realizes the longer those two just sit in that farmhouse and share a pipe and some milk, the more tension. And so by the time it comes to the scene where you see the people under the floorboards and that the. You've. That pussy is so wet at that point, it's gonna explode.

[Eli Roth]

Well, I put that on. That's an excellent analogy. And Quentin would love that analogy, by the way. He would perfectly love to hear that. It's like the difference in most movies, I guess, if you're gonna do it in some sort of game, and it's like watching someone play pinball. It's like, go to the movies. Like, ding, ding, ding, explosion. And Quentin's like watching a master chess player, and they do one move, and then what are they gonna do? And it's the building up and the. And what. And what's great about him, Quentin. I remember when he wrote Bastards by hand, and it was coming off of Death Proof, and instead of making a movie that was safe, like a James Bond movie or anything he could have done, he was like, no, I'm gonna do it two thirds in another language in five chapters and kill. Like, it's just his own thing in his own head, he said, I'm going to write it by hand, and I'm gonna take my typewriter. He can't really type. He's like, I'm gonna take my typewriter from Pulp Fiction, where you still need the ribbon. Like, he bought up all the old ribbon. Cause you can't find the old Smith Corona ribbon anymore. I'm gonna fucking type this script. It's 200 pages. I'm gonna type every single word of it, and I'm gonna force myself. If this ain't fucking Shakespeare, I'm taking it out. And somehow the fact that it took him so long to write the word the, he's like, this better matter. And so when he's writing it, he's got his understanding. And that's what's so. Like, I remember when he read me those scenes, like, he invited me to his house to have dinner, and he's like, hey, I got the first 20 pages of Bastards. And I read that farmhouse scene, and I was like, if this was performed on a stage, you'd have a Pulitzer Prize in your hand. Like, right? Like, that whole analogy with the rat universe, it's just like, would you give a rat a saucer of milk? It's like, it's so good. It's so engaging. And then he casts. He said he's not making the movie unless he cast Crystal, unless he found Lana. And then he found Christoph Waltz.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy came in here to do the podcast. And I said, you're getting an Oscar. And he's such a sweet. You probably know him well.

[Eli Roth]

The best.

[Adam Carolla]

The gentle. You know, he's like. You do when you meet Christoph Waltz, you go, oh, this is why Europeans are better than we are to a certain extent. Like, you realize if that guy was from Jersey, he'd be talking about himself in the third person and introducing you to his lady friend and wearing a big fucking Italian horn necklace or something. He's like the just gentle, congenial, sweet, sweet guy.

[Eli Roth]

And during. During the making of the movie, he's not reading any. He's like, only reading the script. He's not watching movies. He's not reading books. He's not like. I mean, he's older, but it's also at, you know, for this guy. Imagine you're in your 50s and you had gone to New York in your 20s, and it didn't work out. And now you're working consistently, but just doing kind of like average German TV stuff, doing the best you can. And then you get this part, and suddenly you have an Oscar and two Oscars in a row. And then you see him in Django, and you're like, he's. He's so good. And so that's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I think I tell people all the time. I really think it's even more about the material than it is about the actor. If Quentin Tarantino is never born, Christoph Waltz is doing, you know, local whatever in Strudeldorf, and, you know, he's doing the equivalent to Small wonder and Strudeldorf or Make Room for Daddy or some bullshit. And he's doing the best he can do with the material that's being provided to him, but the material's being written by Hack, and he's only gonna be able to be so good.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like Strudeldorf's Small Wonder would actually be a show that I would definitely watch.

[Adam Carolla]

I would definitely watch the Making of Strudeldorf and Small Wonder. Kristoff. That material may play in Strudel. Dorfid'll never play in Berlin.

[Eli Roth]

Maybe like a small Hitler. A small Hitler robot.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eli Roth]

Watch a show about I.

[Adam Carolla]

So then the guy who can. Is a master baker. Christoph Waltz all sudden gets the kitchen and the ingredients, and that's. And now look the fuck out.

[Eli Roth]

And that's what Quentin said. Quentin's like, this is actually the best part I've written with probably the best actor I've ever worked with, and conflict. And Quentin's at a point in his career where he's like, this is what my dialogue is. You know, it's so funny to think back now that there was this whole thing he had to shake of. Quentin just steals from other movies. And you're like, no, he doesn't. Like, he's a genius. People go, no, he stole this line from this movie. Like, that's what the other guys that worked at the video store would all kind of say around Interview, and it's like he's. It's like. It's so. It's ridiculous to think of that now. And I watched it just come out of his brain to his paper, and it's really like, he's truly a genius.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's. He is essentially competing with himself when it comes to making movies now.

[Eli Roth]

There's no writer at his level. Like, you watch the stuff that's in Django and that scene with forensic, you know, phrenology, and those dinner scenes. It's not even about the music or being cool. Like, people are watching this, going, there just isn't anyone of this. Like, there just isn't anyone writing at that level.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's. There's. There's nothing. Writing at its worst is like, when. Now you take, like, Fast and Furious. I'm with you. Are you with me? And I will be seeing the sixth installment but you take Fast and Furious, and you go, oh, here comes Vin Diesel's character, and he's going back to his house. And he comes walking in, and his sister Mia comes up and goes, what are you doing back here? The Feds are staked out all over the place. They're watching this place like a hawk. And he goes, don't worry about it. And then they move on. A cut to scene in Kitchen, and it's like, I'm watching a movie going, all right, the Feds have staked out the house. You're walking up the front driveway. You have a dilemma. It got solved by the character saying, don't worry about it. Not satisfied. I've not checked that box as a.

[Eli Roth]

Moviegoer, and yet you don't go see Fast and Furious for the plot turns. You see them for the plot. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

But I still find that it's super lazy.

[Eli Roth]

There's no question.

[Adam Carolla]

Super lazy. And when Tarantino has Christoph Waltz and Jamie Foxx, and they're sitting in the saloon and he tells that guy to go get the Marshall, and then you're sitting there going, how the fuck is he going?

[Eli Roth]

How are they gonna get out of this?

[Adam Carolla]

How are they gonna get out of this one? And he just walks out in the street. Everyone's got the guns fixed on him and everything. And you're like, how is he ever gonna get out of this? And then it's completely satisfying. Like, you go, all right, that makes total sense to me. You don't go, oh, come on. Bullshit. They never. No, you go, there. You go. Well, he did it.

[Eli Roth]

It's so. I know. And that's what's so satisfying, is to watch Christoph Waltz just run circles around everybody. It's so enjoyable to watch Christoph be the smartest one in the room and know that he's got something up his sleeve and you don't know what's coming. And Quentin's kind of like that. Like, you know there's gonna be some sort of payoff coming. And even in Django, when you think they're getting away and he's gonna do it, and then suddenly he gets like, Kristoff is shot. He's shackled. She's. It's like, whoa, how the fuck's he gonna get out of a mine, right? Like, how's Django gonna get out of this? And then to watch Django pick up, it's just. It's so supreme. And people go, oh, it's the gun violence. No, it's because you're watching. You're with that character fantasizing about how you'd get out of it. And whatever Quentin writes, it's so supreme.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, oh, it's just the most interesting material out there.

[Eli Roth]

And by the way, can I just say, it's fucking hard for him. Like, I've watched the guy close when he's writing, and, yeah, he writes scenes. Like, any of us. Like, you could sit down. Do you want to write a joke? I'm sure you could. Like, you know, you want something about that mug. Yeah, you could do it. But to come up with that, a material that's like. That's the joke you're remembered for. It's fucking hard. And, like. And Quentin does that. Like, I've watched him. He never. What's so admirable about him is that he never takes the easy way out. In any movie, in any situation, anything he's writing, it's never lazy writing. Like, he's so tough on himself and, like, squeezes that part of his brain. And he tells me, he's like, the fucking scariest thing is looking at the blank canvas, looking at an empty page. And that's why he doesn't type. He got me handwriting. He's like, my pen is my antenna to God, man. You can't fucking write poetry on a computer. Like, you gotta write longhand. So I started writing long.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, interesting.

[Eli Roth]

I mean, he's like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just.

[Eli Roth]

You're more connected to it. Every word counts. You're thinking about it. You're in it. Like, he's like. You're disconnected. There's a level of disconnect we can be.

[Allison Rosen]

I have a question for you, Eli, about your writing. I've heard you say, I think, in interviews and podcasts and things, that the horror in your movies is like a parable or sort of an exploration of things that. Of different feelings or. I don't know if you'd use the word wish fulfillment, but that it's symbolic. So I'm just wondering, in Aftershock, like, what to you, what is it about?

[Eli Roth]

Well, that aftershock was really about the collapse of society and the fragility of what we have. Like, here we are, we're in a podcast. We're all behaving. I'm being polite. You're being nice, being cool. We have friends come. We want the show to look good, but then, like, something goes terribly wrong. Like, they're shaking, and you have to grab someone's arm, or, like, do I save you or you. It's these moral choices, and you don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Know, who would you save of us?

[Eli Roth]

Who would you say? Like, well, I don't want to say you in front of Adam, but Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

That'S got the names on the. Well, not really on the building, but at least on the deed.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, but it's that it's all about moral choices. So we're thinking of situations because when Nico told me about it, he's like. He called his girlfriend and she's like, I'm okay, but oh shit, the sirens went off, there's a tsunami and he's like, what the fuck? Do I go find her after she's an hour and a half away? You can't do it. But people ran into situations where like the. The example for us was you're running by a building and you hear a crying baby inside and it's an earthquake and do you run in and save that baby? But every five seconds there's aftershocks where literally buildings are collapsing. What do you do? So in each situation we wanted to give the characters that moral choice of what do you do? And in most cases, the thing they choose to do to preserve themselves often goes. Turns horribly wrong. But it's also the same choice the audience would have made. So we don't want to make anyone look like a bad guy for doing it. But it's like that's, you know, it's this fear of being alone. Who do you rely on? Yourself. But I'm fascinated by the fragility of society. I mean, look at Katrina, when things fall apart. And also, I think Even immediately after.

[Allison Rosen]

9, 11 people felt that.

[Eli Roth]

I mean, people like the way how our life is going. And I also love. To me, it was about how the minutiae, the minor problems in your life that you let grow to be of such great importance really don't mean fucking shit. And the earthquake just shakes it up and puts in perspective. So in the movie we really like. My character plays a guy who's recently divorced and is totally out of touch with dating and meets his friends in Chile. And we're trying to like go to clubs and fuck girls. And I can't connect with any girls. I have no game, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like. And then he meets this girl who's a model who has like a three year old daughter and they connect on the parent level, but he can't quite close the deal. And then another guy moves and it's all this minor stuff and the next thing your friend's hands are cut off and you Gotta get him to a hospital or he's gonna bleed to death. But then by then your other friend is hurt, but, like, they're slowing down the group. And then these guys that broke out of the prison are trying to get you in there. They want to rape the girls, but you gotta protect the girls, but you want to protect yourself. It's like all about basically raising the stakes and the moral traffic choices.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, and also it's a juxtaposition where one minute you're just partying your ass off at a club and the next minute you're just running for your life. Which is the difference between, I don't know, kicking back and watching TV in your underwear and running for your life, which is a juxtaposition. But not as good as dancing your ass off. And not as big a chasm between dancing your ass off and running for your fucking life.

[Eli Roth]

No, I was gonna say, but that's. You know, Hitchcock talked about the birds, symbolized about the randomness of life, how these fucking, like, you're fine one day, and then these things just come and attack you. And talking to everyone that lived through that earthquake, they talked about how exactly that, like, you're out with your friends, you're at a club, you're having fun, and the next thing you're literally running through plate glass windows. And he told me that a guy, a girl he knows was on a first date with a guy, and they went up to like, make Out Point, to look at the city, and the fucking earthquake hit and a huge rock dropped on the car, and the guy was paralyzed. And this girl is on a first date with this guy and she's in a car and the guy's like, fully paralyzed but alive. She had to take him out of the car, put him in the back seat while there's aftershock, while there's shaking, and drive down the hill. And he had a stick shift car and she didn't know how to drive sticks. So the car's bucking like. And that was like one of thousands of stories that happened to people. And that's just the sad, freaky part of life. That's what scares me.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what he should do. He should get her one dozen rainbow roses for just $19.99 from Pro Flowers. That's what they called me in high.

[Allison Rosen]

School, Driving me down the hill.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You know what? He should step it up. He should get the chocolates and the premium pink vase and definitely go for the add on package. Yeah, definitely. It's only 29.98. 50% off, everybody. ProFlowers recently awarded the highest Customer Satisfaction by J.D. power & Associates. And again, Mother's Day right around the corner. He should give his mom something nice, too, because, you know, seeing your son in that wheelchair, it's got to take a lot out of her. And the only way to get this amazing deal is to go to proflowers.com, click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in ACE, that's proflowers.com and hit the microphone promo code. Ace order now expires very soon. All right, Eli, we're gonna do a little news. You want to hang in? And crack wise.

[Eli Roth]

Love to love you, baby.

[Adam Carolla]

With Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Eli Roth]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison, Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

So, Adam, I think you'll be happy to hear the FDA has approved the morning after pill without prescription for people who are 15 years of age or older. And they do require age. They require proof of age.

[Eli Roth]

Now, we can have sex with. I'm misunderstanding. We can have sex with 15 year olds unprotected. Now, that's what I got out of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no questions.

[Eli Roth]

The FDA approved that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. Tired of coming on those 15 year old tits. Step it up.

[Allison Rosen]

This took a different turn than I was expecting anyway. Yeah. So, yeah, they finally have. Now it's just plan B, one step. Because they decided that the study showed, or whatever, that 15 year olds could comprehend how to use one step. Whereas some of the other morning after pills are a little bit too complicated. So those you still have to be 17 and older. What I'm wondering though is let's say a 13 year old gets pregnant or.

[Adam Carolla]

A 14 year old. Oh, hey, that's weird. I'm not going there. I started 15 like they do in Chile. There they have.

[Eli Roth]

I mean, the younger you are, Plan B. Dubstep. That's like what the kids are in.

[Adam Carolla]

Dubstep.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know I'm in some minority here probably, but the younger you are, the more access you should have, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, we don't treat things, we don't address things. It's sort of like, look, it's like, like clean needles. Like, you know, I remember back in the 80s, AIDS was basically a gay thing. And then it was getting spread around because junkies were getting the needles and they were sharing the needles and then Someone would go, look, let's provide clean needles so the junkies don't get the AIDS spread and so it doesn't make its way into the heterosexual community and drug community and so on and so forth. And then someone would always go, I don't like the idea of giving these junkies these free syringes. And I'd always think, like, I don't like it either. But let's be realistic. They're doing it, and we don't want what's worse, the free syringes or AIDS running rampant in the heterosexual community and the drug. IV drug using community. So this is worse. So I don't like the idea of, like, thinking of my daughter at 13 taking the morning after pill. I don't like that idea. But let's also be realistic. We don't want a bunch of unwanted kids running around. It's ironic to me, always has been. Because Dr. Drew and I have been talking about this for 14, 15 years, since it came out. The groups that claim to hate abortion are the first ones that are trying to shut this shit down. Which is insane, because if you hated something or somebody hates something, like if you said, love, look, I hate male pattern baldness. And then someone went, good, I got a pill that'll cure that. And you went, get that shit out of my face. You go, wait a minute, do you really hate male pattern baldness? Because I'm offering you a pill that's gonna cure it. Or flat tires or cold Hungarian food. Like, whatever it is, I can fix this. So if. Wait, is there a pill? Sorry, I was. Example. Bad example, Sorry. So there's not a pill. Propecia, I think, but I don't think that. I think it's a little late for you. The point is you hate abortions, right? This pill will significantly cut down on abortions, right? They hate.

[Eli Roth]

They hate.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically recreational. They don't like recreational sex. And I've been saying for a million. And then everyone called it abortion pills. And Dr. Drew and I would have to explain it's not an abortion pill. But we were yelling about it in.

[Eli Roth]

1990, and they start arguing, we hate abortion, we hate abortion. Like, no, no, no. Like literally the moment you have sex upon ejaculation, that's when it starts.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Eli Roth]

So anything from that point on is considered abortion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm just saying if you really hate abortion, as at least we sort of define it in modern society, there's a way to drastically reduce that. Here's a way to do it. It's safe, it's easy. It's cost effective and you want to. And by the way, the same people that are complaining about the welfare moms and having to buy your kid lunch and all that kind of stu. All many in the same group, we could wipe a lot of that out with this. So I'm for people who hate.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, we're also talking about people who are against sex education. They're against condoms. I mean, even if they're gonna say that life starts at the moment of. I guess if they're gonna say the morning after pill is an abortion pill, even though there is something else called the abortion pill, then how about just condoms?

[Eli Roth]

The other thing is like if they're gonna argue that life begins in at conception, I'd like to propose the counter argument that abortion can be extended until they're 60 years old. So we could abort some of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, when you learn to program at universal remote for me is when life. You're a viable. Yes, you're viable. Yeah. Speaking of viable, I'll tell you it's viable. Legal Zoom, baby. So viable. We put Legal Zoom to the test. Dawson did he set himself up his own llc. How'd that word leave there, Dawson?

[Howie Mandel]

It was the easiest thing in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Went to legalzoom.com spoke on the phone with them for 30 minutes and then.

[Howie Mandel]

I was able to just get all.

[Adam Carolla]

My work done, focus on my clients, try to expand my business a lot more and people ever recognize your voice sometimes at the grocery store? Huh?

[Michael Fitzpatrick]

Yeah, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's kind of awesome because they don't know my face, which is cool. Yeah. But I do get notice for my voice every now and then. It's because. Wait a second. Can you say Adam Carol? That's what they say. Really? I love that. Legal zoom, baby. Whether you're doing a LLC like Dawson or an S Corp or nonprofit, LegalZoom takes care of you. Start to finish. Soup to nuts. LegalZoom.com LegalZoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you to an attorney and provide self help services at your specific direction. For even more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business, protect your family and safeguard your [e-mail] all right.

[Eli Roth]

Can I ask Eli a question real quick?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Speaking of getting noticed or recognized at the grocery store, do you ever get recognized or misrecognized for the guy who plays Spock? Zachary Quinto.

[Eli Roth]

I actually had a great moment where I was on a date. It was one of those. Those model dates.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Eli Roth]

Well, that's actually two pictures of him.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna say those are two pictures of. Or is it. We have a crack staff here. And when I say that. Quinto or rock.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, that happened to me. I was on a date with a girl, and some guys, like, I just want to come up to you and say. It's like, okay, it's my son's bar mitzvah. Can I have an autograph, something? Of course. It's the Bear Jew. And then he just turns to me and he's like, when's the next Star Trek coming out? And I was like, next week.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever get the Love the Girls Gone Wild series?

[Eli Roth]

Joe Francis. I wish. If girls came with me and flashed their tits at me, that's the recognition I would. I would take. I.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic. I gotta tell you, I can. I find you more attractive than Joe Francis. Although there's a certain magnetism the man has.

[Eli Roth]

Undeniably so. But might be hgh.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw you pop up on TMZ the other night, and they just popped up the picture. I think I was skipping my rope. I didn't have the sound up. And I thought, Joe Francis. But I thought just because they like the bus of chops and he got a DUI or whatever. But it was you attacked by an octopi?

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, I guess you could say attacked. Or you could say, I was snorkeling. And the snorkel guide pointed out an octopus, and it floated by, and I stupidly reached out to grabbed it and touched it and thought, this is the coolest. I'm literally, like, having a bonding moment with an octopus. And then I didn't realize its mouth was on the underside of its belly. And I was like, oh, wow, it's squirting ink. He must be really freaked out at me. And then, you know, we got out of the water and I was, like, profusely bleeding because I had had, like, a couple bottles of wine the night before and sliced the tip of my finger. And I was. And they were like, you're bleeding. I'm like, no, I'm not. Like, I didn't even feel it.

[Adam Carolla]

You had sliced your finger the night before?

[Eli Roth]

No, I drunk wine the night before.

[Adam Carolla]

And then sliced your finger on the octopus.

[Eli Roth]

I didn't realize it, but yeah. And then I got out and I was like. And I felt it and I thought it was squirting ink, but it was actually blood coming out of my finger. And then I got out and they were. And it was ridiculous. I was like, does this what I want to know is, does this qualify as me having done battle with an octopus? Can I say I fought an octopus?

[Adam Carolla]

I would say.

[Eli Roth]

I would definitely say it was an old octopus fighting injury.

[Allison Rosen]

So it bit you?

[Eli Roth]

Well, yeah. I mean, it was like. It wasn't like chomp. It was like I was feeling around. It went by and the little teeth snagged on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's nothing. There's nothing greater than the notion of the giant octopus or squid that's doing battle with the whale. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Eli Roth]

Just visually, I would have been the whale in this case. It was about the size of my hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Where were you?

[Eli Roth]

It was a baby. This was in Hawaii on the Big Island. My first time there. And I had had an attack with sea urchins earlier, and I was like, I'm gonna get over my sea urchin phobia. And I was swimming around. I'm like, okay, there's sea urchins and I'm fine. No problem. There's a little eel. There's a turtle. Oh, look, Mr. Octopus. And boom.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, look, Mr. Octopus. I'm gonna put my hand out and touch it. I think that was where.

[Eli Roth]

It's weird because when I'm in the wild and I see an octopus, naturally I assume he's protecting sunken treasure. So I was just reaching for treasure. If there's one thing I've learned from films.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're protecting.

[Eli Roth]

Where there is an octopus. They are protecting sunken treasure. And I wanted to know if there was gold in maybe his belly or where's the treasure?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I sort of miss the. I don't know. Feels like a lot of movies had the sea monster or at least eels that were protecting. What was that movie?

[Eli Roth]

Popeye.

[Adam Carolla]

The Blue.

[Eli Roth]

The Blue Lagoon.

[Adam Carolla]

No, what was the. The Deep? Yeah, the Deep was a movie with Nick Nolte, Jacqueline Bassett in a white T shirt, who got out with no, no bra. Got out of the water. Very exciting. So all we had for porn back then.

[Eli Roth]

And the poster for the Deep. It's true that National Geographic was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

And there was a ship that sunk with a bunch of drugs or something in it. Morphine or something. And there was a giant eel that was protecting the morphine. Of course. I know it sounds bizarre, but that's not bizarre at all. Yeah. And Robert Shaw, Maybe one of Robert Shaw's last movies. I love that you sometimes struggle to remember your kids names. And you just nailed the plot of the Deep. Well with the details. Little douchey. And what's his nose over there can get Over. All right.

[Eli Roth]

I'll be watching Black Sunday with Robert Shaw.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, my Robert Shaw festival. Take the Goodyear blimp and run it into the Coliseum during the Super Bowl.

[Eli Roth]

Got it.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't see treasure chests very often anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't have wallets back then.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how they move their booty back then.

[Eli Roth]

And you had to hide it. You had to. If you had your treasure. Like, that was like the bank. That was like safer than the bank. Like today's bitcoins. You got to just like sink your treasure under the sand so no one, the government won't find it. And you get like an octopus and you're like, look, we have to deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a lot of maps and a lot of guys threatening guys who had the map. Or a lot of guys. What would happen with the map? First off, if I waterproof map a map, well, they would get torn in half. Yeah. And you'd have one half and I'd have the other half.

[Eli Roth]

And only an 11 year old kid in like Santa Clarita, California could actually decode the map because it was found in the grandmother's attic. And then you'd have to find a lot of people that could swim with like, you know, blades between their teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

I've often said that thing where you jump into a body of water off like a suspension bridge and you decide to put the knife in your mouth. Yeah, that's just gotta be. I'd rather put it up my ass. I'd rather just put it in my liver before. Not in the mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Eli Roth]

No, you're gonna wind up like the Joker. Your head, like, you're like Mr. Mouth. Your head would literally split in half like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Just can't keep his big mouth shut yet. Mr. Mouth was a game.

[Eli Roth]

See, it's really sad now.

[Brad Williams]

I'm.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, that's what, that's what happened to those people. Unless you were in like, like island of the Fish People, which was retitled as Screamers, where a guy was going for sunken treasure by taking a bunch of people and like, keeping them captive and breeding them as mutants to give them gills so they could swim underwater and hold the brush to find the sunken treasure.

[Adam Carolla]

There was also a chance you would get your first foot caught in a giant clam.

[Eli Roth]

I do not want to fuck with a giant clam. There's not. I don't know why there aren't more giant clam deaths in movies. Like, giant clams are the scariest thing to me because that's it. They trap you. And then you just have to wait and be slowly digested. It's like the Sarlacc.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, are they the ones that have the fluted show?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're sort of serrated and they hang out at the bottom. And at some point they close on your foot. And the problem with the slow digestion, that's gonna take a while, but you run out of air much faster than they digest, than your foot turn. Yeah. And there are giant clams.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, they, they exist.

[Eli Roth]

We're not making that up.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know where they are.

[Eli Roth]

A lot of stuff tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Eli Roth]

But we have not made up the giant clam.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what's the next story, baby girl?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, investigators in Boston obtain DNA from the widow of Tamerlan. You know, the dead Boston.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

Although as someone pointed out, I don't know why they're still kind of them suspect because don't we pretty much know it's them? But that's a legal thing. So they're obtaining DNA from her.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

She's. She's American, but she became Muslim. She converted.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's this thing of we. I always say, stupider liar, like they're living in a fucking two bedroom, you know, 800 square foot apartment. Your guys who's, you know, declared a holy war on America is cooking up a crock pot bomb and you don't know what's going on in the fucking kitchen.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the question.

[Adam Carolla]

How much of that activity? First off, at least I live in a house of 5,000 square feet. I wouldn't even try beating off if someone's home. And I'm good at it. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I can do that shit. Being chased by a Kodiak bear. I won't even try with someone else in the house. His history is cleared by the time.

[Eli Roth]

That tissue hits the trash basket.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, that's right now. And if you want to call an old onesie a tissue, then so be it. But the point is this. What's his face gotta bust over that memory glass every once in a while, get a little mop material. Point is this. How does she not know what this guy's cooking up in that fucking kitchen? Like, oh no, Sweden. You're really making Irish stew with ball bearings. Don't worry about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's her female intuition? Yeah, you just get a weird sense.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta know. You gotta know.

[Allison Rosen]

Female DNA was found on a piece of the pressure cooker. So that's kind of like a breakthrough thing. So now they're trying to find out whose is this?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But she's gonna go, well, I bought it, but I didn't know what he was planning on doing with it. And then it's gonna be a whole bunch of real unsatisfying answers. Like, well, yeah, I saw him putting the C4 in there, and I saw him doing the thing, and I saw him walking out of the house with it, and I saw him putting the ball bearings in there, but I didn't know what he was gonna do, you know, or she'll do the thing where I was scared of him.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, she. I mean, he had been arrested for domestic violence, so she probably was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So then. Then it's done. We're done with her. Do you.

[Allison Rosen]

Is your belief that there's just no way that these people who are close to them didn't know? And there were a lot of negatives in that sentence. The mom, the dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the wife. The mom's, like, recorded talking about things, right?

[Eli Roth]

She was recorded as saying, it's America's fault.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but she was recorded before that.

[Allison Rosen]

It turns out that Russia had listened in on some phone conversations she had. They were watching her, and they were watching Tamerlan, and she and Tamerlan had had a conversation where they, quote, vaguely discussed jihad.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I feel the same way. I feel about everything. There's always gonna be nut jobs. There's always gonna be nut jobs. And then. Then there's going to be the people around them that protect us for them from them. Which is to say this. Cops show up after nut jobs blow things up or crash airplanes into things or go on shooting sprees. Cops show up and mop up. In the movies, they get there before people start dying, but in real life, they cordon off the area. It's basically a lot of, hey, you can't come in here until the guys come in with the body bag and clean up everybody.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like somehow they can never do anything until after the thing you're trying to prevent happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's like telling a lifeguard to save someone who hasn't drowned yet. Powerful imagery from a giant clam. Giant clam. Oh, you talking about Allison? Yeah. Was that not clear? The point is this. The cops have to hear gunshots going off or explosions going off, and then they come a rush running, or at least the jogging, and that's when they get there. But our first line of defense. So who is our first line? Not the cops, not the firemen. Not the FBI, the wives, the mothers of the fathers of the crazy kids that go on the shooting sprees. The immediate family. We do this thing, it's like, what about the counselors? How come the school counselors? School counselor doesn't give a fuck.

[Eli Roth]

And they're not going to know.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no way they're not going to know. And they have 15 other kids to look after. And if they took every kid that was pouting and listening to the cure and yanked them out of class, there.

[Eli Roth]

Would be no people in the education.

[Adam Carolla]

System and they'd get shit canned.

[Eli Roth]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd be sued. So we have a line of defense. That line of defense is the people who live with the nut job who's carving the pentagram into their mashed potatoes instead of eating them. You know the ones that are constantly talking about jihad or the white Aryan movement or how the government needs to be paid back for what they've done. Yeah. Those are the people. Those are the people that live with them. They're married to them sometimes, sometimes their parents. Without them then we got nothing because we don't have enough cops. These cops would need crystal balls. They'd need to know what was going to have to be like a good Denzel Washington movie. Every third movie is like a cop who can see nine minutes into the future. Future.

[Eli Roth]

Virtuosity.

[Adam Carolla]

Virtuosity. Yeah.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, we went deep.

[Allison Rosen]

So imagine if you could only see nine minutes into the future though.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that was a Nick Cage movie, right? Knowing.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, that. That was knowing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eli Roth]

Nick, I was thinking about the Ben Affleck Uma Thurman one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh geez. I can't think of what that one was.

[Eli Roth]

You're not allowed to think of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm done.

[Eli Roth]

Your brain won't let you.

[Adam Carolla]

So. So sees how there's not enough cops to prevent nutball either troubled 26 year old kid who's going for the jihad or fucked up 14 year old for shooting up the Columbine or wherever he's going. How's the fucking cop supposed to anticipate this? And alright, so you put a cop at the end of the finish line, it's still not going to do anything. Or you put him in Columbine, he's not going to be able to get to them when they barricade. Maybe the body counts go from 12 to nine, but still you can't see this in advance. So mom's dads paycheck. Sorry, it just got typed in here. What did I cover the Uma Thurman movie. So moms, dads, husbands, wives, they need to be held accountable. And we need to shout it from the mountaintop. We need to say, hey, somebody in your family goes on a fucking killing spree. It's under your roof and they're living at your house and they're making that bomb in your kitchen. You're fucking getting your feet held to the fire, bitch. And spread the word.

[Eli Roth]

Like drinking. If someone gets drunk at the house, if a kid gives another kid, the parents of the house are responsible if they had nothing to do. If alcohol is given under your roof, you have to. Unless you're giving alcohol to 15 year olds. Because now there's that new FDA approved. It's like there's the awareness out there of like, don't drink in this house because I'm not gonna get fucked.

[Adam Carolla]

What your friends, our society is set up that way that when a private goes on a killing rampage, the general gets court martialed. Like that guy was under your watch. Why didn't you do something about it or see it coming? And we do this way with everything. Manager, a restaurant, someone gets drunk, goes get in a car, they sue the restaurant. The manager maybe wasn't even there that night. Doesn't matter. We understand that sort of responsibility under your watch, except for the most important one, which is killing people while they're living at home. So let's take the parents of all these disasters and all these tragedies and murders and let's take the spouses and let's take all these people and let's take them and fucking flog them in the public square and send a message, everyone. Which is the next time you see the husband doing something suspicious with the crock pot, you fucking drop a dime on his ass. Ass. Or you're going to get your ass caned. Thank you. Now you know what they could have done? She could have communicated. No, Damn it. Thought that was go to meeting. Go to my PC. That's right, go to my PC. Brought to you by.

[Allison Rosen]

She could have had the important numbers of people that she was going to call to drop the dime on her.

[Adam Carolla]

Home computer and she could have accessed it. That's right. She could have went to a Starbucks where it was safe, safe haven over there. That's right, the safe haven of the Starbucks. And she could have used her iPad or iPhone or Android, Kindle, Fire, whatever, and then she could have got those numbers of her work computer, dropped a dime on this guy's ass and we'd all be better for it. Go to my PC turns your iPad, Android, whatever it is in your home computer, your work computer, you can get to your computer. Tarantino could get to his typewriter by using. Oh, no, wait a minute. Try go to my PC free. Free 45 days free visit. Go to my PC dot com. Click on the Try it Free button, Enter the promo code Adam. All right, one more, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

What do we got? Well, here's something a little lighter. A meteorologist on the weather channel had a bad case of hiccups, and there's a video that shows it that's going viral right now. And I brought this in because it's, I think, for people who speak all the time into microphones or on air, it's something that everyone's afraid of. And because Dave damaged it was crowing about his four and a half years of not having hiccups. So anyway, we're just. Unfortunately, the hiccups are kind of. There's too much time in between them. So here's just a few of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Are you guys with me? Remember I said on stage the other night, I don't feel like I see black people sneeze enough?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I remember you said that. No, I think you said you'd never seen them sneeze.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I feel.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like they do it not around us.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like squirrel shitting. I understand they do it and there's a lot of squirrels, but I never see them.

[Eli Roth]

Need some proof they're not gonna do it in front of you.

[Adam Carolla]

There's something going on. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, arguably did not kind of shit on Adam's point. He didn't go with it.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't go with it. But I'm just saying, I've seen enough black people. I've hung out with enough black people. Even when they do commercials, when they do those, like, nasal X commercials and stuff like that with the bee buzzing around.

[Allison Rosen]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't have a lot of black people on those commercials, Right? Maybe they don't get the allergies. I just don't. I don't feel. You ever see, like, if a black guy went, oh, man, I got hay fever. Like, you'd go, what?

[Eli Roth]

We need to watch.

[Adam Carolla]

What if the white dude does and.

[Eli Roth]

You go, I'm like, I'm a Jew and we've co opted anything allergy, anything sneezing Jews, Right? We got it. And, like, you get it.

[Adam Carolla]

You. You're gonna take sickle cell in a few minutes. Exactly. You're this close.

[Eli Roth]

Oh, I have Asthma and allergies. Where's my inhaler? Like, you don't. You don't rarely hear that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. It's weird. And I feel like the Jews have co opted a lot of the allergies and a lot of the hay fevers and things like that. The pollen counts and stuff like that. As I said to Alonzo Bowden, I don't feel like I've ever had a brother ask me about the pollen count. You know what I mean? I just don't feel like they're sneezing enough. Let's get to the bottom of that.

[Allison Rosen]

Black people who listen to this show let us know.

[Adam Carolla]

I like to check into it. I bet statistically they don't have as many allergies as Whitey does.

[Eli Roth]

And you don't even hear like, they have Wheezy and there's Yeezy that are rappers. But you don't have Sneezy.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Maybe because it's a dwarf runny. That's right.

[Eli Roth]

You don't have like Sniffly. Like there's no rapper name.

[Allison Rosen]

Also Dirty Sniffly.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah. You don't hear them like Sniffly, Sneezy, Scratchy. You don't have that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And a cool way to spell, like Sina.

[Allison Rosen]

Gsy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. In the US And Wheezy. When you said Wheezy, they don't even.

[Eli Roth]

Have a guy named Deviant Septum.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought Jefferson's too.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought Jefferson's too.

[Eli Roth]

This is getting uncomfortable. They did have Wheezy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please.

[Eli Roth]

Yeah, the Wheezy.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, hey, you have a huge cock, an incredible vertical leap, and you almost never sneeze. Come on. That's a slap in the face. I'd take that any day of the week. True. Thank you. Imagine where that vertical would be if they could sneeze at the exact right moment. I mean, like a rocket ship, big nostrils, boom boosters.

[Eli Roth]

You're coming up under a guy and some guy just sneezes down on you and gets in your face. That's like Spider Man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Literally, you could shoot that kind of vertical.

[Eli Roth]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I will bet you this. I've always said this. I know all the guys I work construction with back in the day was never lactose intolerant. There was never any peanut. Yeah. I was never set gluten free. They couldn't afford. I think the Jews and. Or Whitey, the soft whitey has earned their way to an allergy. I feel. I feel like the brothers, they're too hardy. Like they're too busy working.

[Eli Roth]

I think it's almost like the non Jews decided that their kids had add, which I don't remember anyone I ever met ever growing up having something called add. They were just being kids, right? And now everybody like the riddle everywhere. It's like an epidemic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna find some stats on black people sneezing. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. I'll get to the bottom of this.

[Allison Rosen]

So did you want to hear the hiccups? It's just a guy hiccups. I went and do the weather.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Inside the beltway for the moment you're dry, but you get outside the beltway, really, it's Highway 6 all the way out to Katy, and it is just.

[Eli Roth]

A mess out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Expect to be slow down and there will be some high water spots, especially.

[Howie Mandel]

Along the exit and entrance ramps along i10.

[Adam Carolla]

Katie's had most of the rain so far. Lightning and thunder. Excuse me. Has just moved off. Portions of Waller county now getting very wet there. 37 lightning strikes here during the past 15 minutes. There's the storm near Attucks, which is making it just a mess. Highway 6 where it meets I10 on the west side. Attucks. Excuse me, I have the hiccups. Of course, this would happen right when we have heavy rain.

[Allison Rosen]

This goes on a whole three minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

The hiccups.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And then he sort of slows down and takes a deep breath. And then it still. It still continues.

[Adam Carolla]

The hiccup, by the way, is the only thing I can't really fully control.

[Eli Roth]

Terrible.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you had it on air?

[Eli Roth]

I had an attack recently. It was terrifying. But I found a great cure for hiccups. If you're live on the air, sure. Every time you hiccup, you just throw in a horrible racial slur after and say you have Tourette's.

[Adam Carolla]

That's awesome. I can work that in with my blind people sneezing things. I had a moment. I don't know why, speaking of controlling things, but I had this moment today and you guys could get any worse than this. So I'm sitting with our friend Kevin Hench.

[Eli Roth]

We love the Hench.

[Adam Carolla]

We love the Henchmen. And we're writing our next movie script together. And Hench is just one of these guys where he's on hiatus from his TV show last night, Man Standing. And he's ready to go whenever I'm ready to go. So we just pick our little. He says, what's your schedule like? I go, I can do breakfast or I can do lunch or I can do Whatever. So I had to get up early this morning and do some radio. And I got up this morning, I did some radio and I figured I'm gonna be done at like 7:45 hench dropping his kid off at school. I said I can meet you at the restaurant at like, at the diner, like 8:45 this morning. And we can, we can knock out a couple pages on the script. So we do it. But I realize, as I've said all the time, my bowel clock has been thrown off because instead of doing what I'm normally doing, which is holding a cup of coffee at 9 o' clock at my house and putzing around in my bathroom, I'm now in a diner and I'm on my fourth cup of coffee and I just finished my, you.

[Allison Rosen]

Know, it's go time.

[Adam Carolla]

It's go time. So I do the move where it's like, oh boy, it's go time. I'm not at home, I'm not in a friendly confines of the home. But it's go time. So I go, okay, I'm gonna have to try. I'm working out the courtesy flush math. I'm trying to figure this one out. Doing all the math of I'm going to crap up some place where people try to eat. And I do this thing where I stand up and I'm starting to stand up and a guy at the table that's just to our right who basically looks like Hurley from Lost. He looks like the fucking a roadie from Papa Roach. Like big fucking beard, big fat guy, just wearing chants and everything and long hair.

[Eli Roth]

You're literally describing my worst nightmare, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He gets up and he walks, he walks past me and into it goes to where the one. There's one bathroom. It's his and hers. There's a one bathroom. It's the one bathroom. And it's like I know he's not walking to the other side of the small restaurant chatting up the table near the window. He just got up to go to the bathroom. But I already started the countdown.

[Eli Roth]

You've already started. Let your body mentally know that in 45 seconds I will be sitting on the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

I will be on there. Like I've already said, all right.

[Eli Roth]

And your body, and now you have to like stop, put on the brakes and play and make it go away, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh Christ. Now it really gets bad because not only if I began the self destruct countdown on this little BAL spaceship I have here. He's gone for 19 minutes. Like, I'm like that big husky dude with the fucking full beard and the crazy hair and the bad tattoos is fucking destroying that place. He's painting that place with shit. And I'm just sitting there all the time like, oh, and you're looking now.

[Eli Roth]

Across the street at other. Is there anywhere I can leave the restaurant? Like, what's the nearest. There a furniture place that I can pretend I'm shopping for furniture to use your bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Paquito Moss, by the way. Then we're gonna get a little more.

[Eli Roth]

When you're running to the Mexican chain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You know, literally bottomed out. I fucking bottomed out. There's a lot more. I'm eyeballing the Mexican joint. I'm just going.

[Eli Roth]

You know, people have asked me before, if you could be a superhero, what would your power be? And the answer, without flinching, is to control when I could take a second.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm now thinking about standing up and making my way across to the Mexican place to try to use the bathroom over there. I'm doing that thing where it's like a minute 14. Like, where the fuck is this guy? What is he doing there? How many shits can a man take? And I'm telling Hench, like, I'm like, okay, I've been sort of sitting on this little secret for, you know, 10 minutes here.

[Eli Roth]

I actually haven't listened to any of your dialogue. I'm not sweating thinking about the plot.

[Adam Carolla]

You're wondering why I haven't been contributing like I normally do. I mean, I haven't had a fucking shit. I got the shit and this fucking guy over, you know, Hench doing the move where he's trying to look, but he's trying not to look, but he's looking behind him a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, this is going to wingman.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy over there. Fucking been gone for 18 fucking minutes. And then I go, so I'm about ready to make my move for Paquito Moss, and I see the hair covered behemoth come walking past in front of me, sits down and I go, all right, handshake. His partner now pops up. His partner pops up and walks immediately out of the thing. I'm like, oh, you guys take turns shitting up restaurants? How's this work? I've been in this restaurant 421 times. Hence, she's never used the bathroom once. I've taken two pisses there. This is. This will be my first.

[Eli Roth]

You're going there for the bathroom?

[Adam Carolla]

For the eggs. I'm just off my bowel clock it's fucked up because I've had too much coffee and I got up too early and it's.

[Allison Rosen]

By God, where did you go?

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'm sitting there and I've brought the landing gear back up into the belly of the plane.

[Eli Roth]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Circling the airplane.

[Allison Rosen]

It's uncomfortable to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I had to crank it up by hand.

[Eli Roth]

You had to.

[Adam Carolla]

You had to crank it up?

[Eli Roth]

Mental harnessing. It's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like that Memphis Bell movie. I had to crank it up. If Hench was any kind of friend, he would have been the Tom Rathman, the Roger Craig. Just throw that door open.

[Allison Rosen]

I find that's like trying to fold up a big map, right? You never. It never, never.

[Adam Carolla]

It's never the same. It's not like it was.

[Eli Roth]

It's actually literally, to bring it back to this was an Irwin Allen disaster. Inferno. The flames are going up the inferno, and there's, like, more all stars kept popping up boots.

[Adam Carolla]

And so I'm sitting there going, there goes Telly Savalas.

[Eli Roth]

Oh, Shelly Winters is going in there now. What?

[Adam Carolla]

The brown button's gonna get back from the fucking commode. And I'm like, is he shitting there now? My only consolation is, is he's taking the brunt of the shit load that's taking place in there. And so this guy, thankfully just goes in there, and this guy does something that's wacky. He goes in and comes back so fast.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that means he didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if he took a piss or he just took one step in and went, oh, shit, no way. And turned around and went, I'll live to piss another day. So now I'm sitting there and I stand up and I go, okay, Hench, I gotta move. I gotta. I gotta move on this. And he goes, don't breathe it in. Like, don't take it in. But I realized I have a kind of nasal Tourette's. Like, I have to fucking suck.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, otherwise you're gonna suck it in your mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I come in, it doesn't matter. I know it. I know it's that, like, I have to fucking sample it. I have to do an ass sample. I have to. Do you guys have to. Yeah, just fucking. I can't.

[Eli Roth]

I mastered and thank God I can't breathe out my nose sometimes. I've literally. Like, the way surfers will walk underwater with a rock to, like, really learn to control holding their breath.

[Adam Carolla]

I, like, crush.

[Eli Roth]

I practice all year for Coachella. When I take a Piss. I will. Literally, we're driving, and everyone's like, what bands you want here? And I'm like, yeah, like, what bands? And literally, I'm like, I'm sorry. I was rehearsing mentally for when I have to use. Go into those porta Potties.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh, God damn. Yeah.

[Eli Roth]

It's terrifying. Well, let me see my horror movie ideas.

[Adam Carolla]

They. There should be the word. The number one. Just the number one. Porta Potty, Right? Because there is.

[Eli Roth]

It's called the Planet, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I guess for guys. Yeah, I guess for guys. All right, all right, let's. What happened?

[Eli Roth]

What's the resolution?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, I'm making a move. Hench gave me, you know, the. Like, gave me the fist. You know, like, you know, be strong. He said, don't breathe.

[Eli Roth]

Supportive friend.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, I can't do that. You know, if I'm not back in 20 minutes, you send help. Send him guys after me. I walked in. I didn't smell anything. Wow. I did not smell anything. I don't know what. I don't know what happened. I don't know if he did a double courtesy fly. I did a double courtesy flush. And then the decision. I've done a little damage. Not much. It's been minimal. Maybe a 3.1 earthquake. Not Chile now, but I've done a little.

[Eli Roth]

It's like Marina del Rey.

[Adam Carolla]

Little damage. Double flush. Double courtesy flush. Did something curious for you guys. Ever done this? Now I realize I'm staring at the Lysol can behind me. If I give a shot at Elisha, it's a tell. It's a tell. It means there's damage done. There's just. There's. It's. It's waning. It's not much, but if someone comes in immediately, it's detectable. I have figured out that if you use enough soap when you wash your hands, you waft it around, wave it around like I'm gonna dry, let God dry my hands. You just get this. This dial sort of smell through the air. You guys know what I'm talking about?

[Eli Roth]

100%.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, good. Now we can.

[Eli Roth]

By the way, I'm terrified to touch the Lysol because I think, well, who were the people before me? Why was the situation so bad that they went to the Lysol?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eli Roth]

And what are their. What was on their hand before they pushed that little button?

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird. Yet you're right. Right into the mouth of an octopus, yet you won't touch a can of Lysol.

[Eli Roth]

You won't touch an octopus in the wild. And I wouldn't touch a can of Lysol.

[Adam Carolla]

So much classy.

[Eli Roth]

Freddie Blassi with my germaphobia.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell you quickly, this is bad timing. Huge. Fresh, fresh, juicy berries. Cherish berries dipped in white chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate rolled in nuts, chips and chocolate chips. Don't picture them, just trust them. They're delicious. Trust us. They're unbelievable. I mean, literally, it's a strawberry you eat with a knife and fork. It is undam believable. And Mother's Day coming up. Let's make mama happy. Get her the Sherry's berries. And it's only $19.99. That's over 40% savings. Let's get it in time for Mother's Day and get her the beautiful. Beautiful. I mean, these things are like they got hit by gamma radiation. You can't believe what God can do. It gives me belief in humanity and God. There must be a God if there's a Sherry's Berry. Double the berries for just 10 bucks more. Offer ends soon. Go to berries. That's B E R R I E S dot com. Click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in ace. All right.

[Brad Williams]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zipit Cons.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. Aftershock, name of the movie out May 10th in selected theaters. And you can shoot Eli a tweet over at Eli Roth if you like. And Eli, always a delight.

[Eli Roth]

Oh, thanks, man. It's a pleasure to be here.

[Adam Carolla]

Come back anytime you like. So until next time, it's Adam Krola for Ray Old Hoffer, Eli Roth, Allison Rosen and bald Brian saying Mahalo. I started 15 like they do in Chile.

[John Popper]

All right, that's adam Cole show 1068. That does it for today's Coral Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment.

[John Popper]

Until then, then, Hollow and get it.

[Adam Carolla]

On foreign CBS hits are streaming free on Pluto tv.

[Howie Mandel]

Coming in for this month only. Stream full episodes of Matlock.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a lawyer.

[Allison Rosen]

Like the old TV show Fire Country.

[Adam Carolla]

Elsbeth. I do love a mystery.

[Howie Mandel]

NCIS Origins, Watson and Ghosts.

[Adam Carolla]

What the hell? This is the most amazing, amazing sight I've never seen.

[John Popper]

All for free.

[Howie Mandel]

The CBS shows you love this month only on Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Stream now.

[John Popper]

Pain never.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Corolla show. That's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of the Adam Kroll and Dr. Drew show. You'll also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month, a pittance for all we're going to bring you subscribe [e-mail] substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called Substack.