Greg Fitzsimmons talks Big Hogs, Quitting Sobriety, and Conjugal Visits

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Greg Fitzsimmons Talks Big Hogs, Quitting Sobriety, and Conjugal Visits

Episode Date: December 15, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this candid, raucous episode, Adam Carolla welcomes comedian Greg Fitzsimmons and Rudy Pavich to the studio. The trio dives into an epic, unfiltered conversation covering notorious stories about “big hogs” (with both myth and memoir), Greg’s accidental slip from sobriety, the oddities of conjugal visits for infamous criminals, and a nostalgic send-up of famously negligent parental figures. With characteristic Carolla riffing and fast banter, this episode manages to be both outrageous and reflective.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Content Warnings, Ratings, and Outdated Labels

[03:39–08:02]

• Adam opens with jokes about modern media disclaimers, especially how shows now lump "smoking" in with violence and abuse.
  • Adam: "I do love that we've lumped smokers in with domestic batters and killers." (04:31)
• The group riffs on cable content warnings (N for nudity, BN for brief nudity, SSC for strong sexual content) and the evolution of language in labeling sexual or violent material.
  • Greg: "That's when your hand goes right to the belt buckle." (06:14)
• Discussion teeters hilariously into the exaggerations around words like "Triple X" and marketing terms like "all nude."

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2. Magnum Condoms, "Big Hogs," and Being an Outlier

[08:02–18:03]

• Greg drops the bombshell about actually needing Magnum condoms, launching the crew into a comedic and surprisingly earnest discussion about size, manhood, and insecurity.
  • Greg: "I literally could not fit in regular condoms and had to go Magnum." (08:11)
  • Adam: "There’s nothing in it, we just spread it around a little bit." (re: Magnum wrappers as display) (09:38)
• Tales of relationships gone awry due to anatomical incompatibility.
  • Greg: "Dated a girl and we broke up because it was too uncomfortable for her. And she was a whore." (10:16)
• The talk veers into celebrity urban legends (e.g., Shaq’s rumored size, testimony from Hallie Robinson Pete), with detours into sports history and skewering of stereotypes.
  • Adam: "She goes, ‘I dated Shaq.’ And I went, oh, you did? And she goes, not so much." (16:28)

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3. Sobriety, Relapsing (Accidentally), and Stories of Recovery

[24:53–34:36]

• Greg shares a “big announcement”—after decades, he accidentally broke his sobriety when an Italian barista misunderstood "with room" as "with rum":
  • Greg: "I lost my sobriety… I walk outside, take a sip of the coffee. I’m like, wow, this is fucking strong…He put fucking rum in my coffee." (33:30)
• Adam’s nuanced view on sobriety for ‘early quitters’:
  • Adam: "I treat booze like... if you dropped it real early, I go, yeah, I bet you could [go back]." (27:03)
• Hilarious war stories: court-ordered AA, terrible meetings, the West Hollywood CA scene ("so many hot chicks").
• Greg tells how his advice led a newly relapsed writer into a downward spiral—culminating with the guy storming the Capitol on January 6th.
  • Greg: "Ended up going down…his marriage ended…last I knew of him, he invaded the Capitol on January 6th." (31:20)

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4. Skankfest, Comedy World Tales, and "All Nude" Spectacles

[18:31–23:29]

• Greg recounts Skankfest—a festival with both all-nude events and open drug use—recalling Jason Ellis as an awesomely well-endowed nude judge.
• Digressions into comedy world characters, media confusion (Jason Ellis/Jason Mewes), and the act of prepping for nude scenes on film.
  • Adam: "You can get a little extra out of a stretch, I’ve found." (22:55)

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5. Conjugal Visits and Killer DNA

[39:00–43:45]

• Detour to notorious prisoners’ love lives: why do women marry convicted killers (Eric Menendez, Tex Watson)?
  • Adam: "He’s got four kids wandering around the United States…his DNA is now floating around the United States times four. And then I was thinking… the woman who went to the prison to fuck him—she’s more fucked up than he is." (41:20)
• Reflection on what DNA and nurture mean when both parents are infamous or infamous-adjacent.

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6. Parental Negligence, Childhood Memories, and "Did the Best They Could"

[64:56–86:11]

• The hosts unleash a deeply funny but poignant critique of how little their parents did for them as children—everything from never buying sports equipment, failing to give rides, to missing every school event.
  • Adam: "Why is your default setting for your memory of your parents ‘They did the best they could’? My mom’s effort was like a one and a half and I give my dad like a 2.2." (67:50)
  • Rudy: "I’m standing there in between them by myself with a single rose in my hand, like the Bachelor…supposed to give it to my mom and she never showed." (82:00)
• Modern contrast: guilt-compelled, overachieving helicopter parents doing everything for their children.
  • Adam: "I just feel compelled. My parents had no compunction at all…If you’re not giving me a ride to Van Nuys, I guess I’ll just mope around the house." (66:37)
• Solutions for endless youth sporting events: Adam’s tip—stash medical scrubs in your car.
  • Adam: "Marathon kids volleyball games…Keep a set of scrubs…then you walk in and you go, ‘Sorry I got here as soon as I could…’” (85:01)

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7. Language Oddities: "Anniversary" and the Need for New Words

[57:09–58:45]

• Adam and Greg riff on the absurdity of using 'anniversary' for both joyful and tragic events: Pearl Harbor, 9/11, wedding anniversaries.
  • Adam: "Don’t we need a better word?...We have the tragic. We just had the 25th anniversary of 9/11." (57:10)

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8. Book Publishing, Perfectionism, and the Ghostwriter Grind

[46:01–54:16]

• Deep dive into the psychology and business realities of book writing: advances, deadlines, and why publishers gravitate toward "fucked up alcoholics" and outlaws.
  • Adam: "Book publishers are sort of the ultimate psychologists…They want the story about Motley Crue written by the alcoholic drummer…You can’t wrangle those guys…You just give him advances in pieces." (48:12)
• Greg’s neighbor story: Tom O’Neill’s 20-year saga writing "Chaos" about Manson, advances lost, debt, and final success.
  • Greg: "He sold it for another publishing company…But he truly did work on it for 20 years." (51:38)
• Comedic asides about the impossibility of writing with a spouse, ghostwriting, and hiring friends as "dictation assistants."

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Memorable Quotes

• Greg Fitzsimmons, on his infamous breakup:
  “I dated a girl and we broke up because it was too uncomfortable for her. And she was a whore.” (10:16)
• Adam Carolla, on parental neglect:
  "Why is your default setting for your memory of your parents 'They did the best they could'? My mom’s effort was like a one and a half and I give my dad like a 2.2." (67:50)
• Adam Carolla, on inherited size myths:
  “There would be... escorted out of a casino for winning too much... And being broken up with because your dick was too wide. I’m going to add all that onto that list, you know what I mean?” (13:12)
• Greg Fitzsimmons, on sobriety lost by misunderstanding:
  “He put fucking rum in my coffee. And I took two sips of it.” (34:07)
• Adam Carolla, on infamous inmate conjugal visits:
  "The DNA of the woman who went to the prison to fuck him—she’s more fucked up than he is." (41:20)
• Rudy Pavich, on sports memories and parent absenteeism:
  “I’m standing there in between them by myself with a single rose in my hand, like the Bachelor…supposed to give it to my mom and she never showed.” (82:00)

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Notable Moments & Timestamps

• Media disclaimers rant and content ratings nostalgia: [03:39–08:02]
• Magnum condom confession and comedic fallout: [08:02–18:03]
• Stories about celebrity “hogs” and sports figures: [13:57–18:03]
• Accidentally breaking sobriety with “rum” at the coffee bar: [33:30–34:07]
• How women marry serial killers and conjugal DNA debate: [39:00–43:45]
• Ultimate “bad parenting” comedy confessional: [64:56–86:11]
• Anniversary terminology confusion: [57:09–58:45]
• Book publishing psychoanalysis: [46:01–54:16]

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Tone & Style

Unapologetically raw, irreverent, and rapid—this episode is peak Carolla. Greg Fitzsimmons brings both sharp candor and self-effacing humor, while Rudy contributes both supportive laughs and his own stories of blue-collar angst. The humor swings from bawdy to biting social commentary, all with an undercurrent of nostalgia and occasional introspection.

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Summary Takeaway

A laugh-out-loud episode layered with sharp banter and wild storytelling, this installment delivers what longtime Adam Carolla fans crave: unfiltered talk, taboo topics, and plenty of comic honesty about the absurdities of sex, parenthood, and making sense of life in modern America.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in this episode, very funny Greg Fitzsimmons and very funny Rudy Pavich. Join me in studio for a lot of laughs right after this.

[Ted Kappel]

It's time to celebrate Christmas with the Ace man.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean holy, holy Christmas and the best time of the year.

[Ted Kappel]

Thursday, December 18th at the Sagebrush Cantino.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no roasting in the open fire.

[Ted Kappel]

Join Adam Carolla and the crew. I'm Ted Kappel, plus special guest Brad Williams.

[Adam Carolla]

And Christmas my true love Came to me. I part three. It's wonderful. And oh, breaking news plus an ugly.

[Ted Kappel]

Sweater contest with your chance to win lunch with Adam and the staff. A special Adam Corolla show Christmas at the Sagebrush Cantina on December 18.

[Adam Carolla]

Feliz Navidad.

[Ted Kappel]

Join us for the brightest season of the year. Get your tickets [e-mail].

[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

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[Adam Carolla]

This episode of the Adam Crolla show is brought to you by SimpliSafe.

[Ted Kappel]

From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California. This is the Adam Corolla Show. Adam's guests today, Greg Fitzsimmons and Rudy Bovich. And now that's not Coal on his stockings. It's ashes from walking around Malibu and the Palisades. Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on that judgment. Get on your mandate. You get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for Fitz Dog in studio. Fitz Dog's got dates. Punchline, San Francisco, that's coming up this week and 11th through the 13th. And then hilarities, Ohio, January 8th through the 10th. And then also the punchline in Georgia coming up January 15th through the 17th. Go to GregFitsimmons.com for all the live dates. Good to see you. Rudy's here as well.

[Rudy Pavich]

Hey, guys.

[Adam Carolla]

I got thoughts. I've been watching P. Diddy's doc. I don't know if you guys saw it. It's great. Good stuff. The thing that's funny is, I mean, the whole thing's funny, obviously, but I love the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's gonna be like the bear winning best comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I love the disclaimer at the front. The front, at the top of every episode is the depictions of domestic abuse, violence, physical violence. They do a whole, you know, strong pimp hand on. And then at the very end it always goes smoking, smoking. And it's like, I do love that we've lumped smokers in with domestic batters and killers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, you'd have to picture a scenario. Like, you'd have to be. The scenario would have to be a dad has sat down with his 11 year old daughter to watch this series and looked up and went, domestic violence. Okay. I think she's old enough to get. Okay. A violence against women.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's old enough to learn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh huh. Spousal abuse.

[Rudy Pavich]

Racial slurs.

[Ted Kappel]

Racial slurs.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, smoking. Honey, let's watch Dora the Explorer. Like it's at the end. So you'd have to. Somebody's gonna make a decision based on smoking. And by the way, should smoke. Black guys blow in spleef. Is that smoking? You know what I mean? That's what we're talking about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, and smoking and racial stereotype.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But what I always love is like on the hbo, remember the old Cinemax, and at the beginning they'd tell you like, it would say N for nudity.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you're like, d for violence and then BN for brief nudity, you'd be.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, ah, that's a dick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a dick. And then it would be like SC for sexual content. Then it would say, ssc, Strong sexual content. That's when you just hand goes right to the belt buckle on ssc.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy who invented triple X. Yeah. When we already had X. Yeah. And it didn't go. You know, the triple X guys should be. There should be a Mount Rushmore for the guy who invented triple X, and he should be next to the guy who invented 110% because neither one exists. But we use them constantly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I picture the triple X guy may be the same guy who invented in defending your life when he was at the Italian place and he had the guy and he was explaining how many days he got, and no one could figure out how Albert Brooks got nine days, because that seemed like a lot. But he ran into a guy who's got 13 days to look at. And he goes, what did you do for a living? He goes, I invented totally all nude. There was a place by the airport that just said nude dancers. And it didn't get any business. And then I bought it and I put all nude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All nude.

[Adam Carolla]

And place became like a beehive after that. And I'm like, but the all nude or the totally all nude or the all new episodes of the Bear or Grey's Anatomy or it's like the all new. All new and the 110 and the triple X, and it's all unnecessary, but it works because we're humans, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, the Magnum condom is bigger. I can tell you that firsthand, because I'm not.

[Rudy Pavich]

Look, could you fit your whole body in one?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, here's. No, no, no, no, no. Look, I'm Irish, but I am. I am an outlier. And I literally could not fit in regular condoms and had to go Magnum.

[Rudy Pavich]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I only bring this up because it's an opportunity to bring it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, it has nothing to do with the conversation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Could not fit in a regular condom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I could, but it was very uncomfortable. And the sperm would then sometimes leak out because.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, let me close my eyes and take a draw off my coffee. Keep going with the sperm linkage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I would pull it down. I think I pulled it down too tight. I think I put my crown in the reservoir sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, when you're done with the wrapper for the Magnum, before you throw it away, could you just sort of collect them and give them to me so I could just sort of spread them about my condo?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Use safety pins and put them on your backpack.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I just like the idea of those wrappers. I like the Magnum. They should sell. Like, they should just sell Magnum wrappers. Like, they should go, look, it's $4 with the condom in it, but without the condom it's $1.99. But you still get. You still get it. There's no condom in it, but you don't need that. But really what you need is to just throw a few of these around the bench seat of the pickup truck, put one up on the dashboard, toss it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't let people see the rubber band that you need to use with it. Hide the rubber band.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there's nothing in it. We just spread it around a little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like when people have like a Bible that's hollowed out and they use it as a cigar. You know, that kind of thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or when you. Or when you have a armed arm patrol.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sticker. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

On your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

The ADT on the side there. Yep. I could have two dicks and not fill a Magnum condom. So good on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Good on you with the Magnum.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it was. It was impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

It still is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's still impressive. And I dated a girl and we broke up because it was too uncomfortable for her.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And she was a whore.

[Rudy Pavich]

You know what I don't like about the Magnum packaging, though? It's like gold. Like, it's like in steel. Like Magnum, where it's just like regular old Trojans, like the kind I wear. They're just like, eh, Made for dainty men like yourself, all in purple and sort of like the fantastic colors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Instead of the lube, they should put a muscle relaxer liquid on the outside of the condom. For her. For her pleasure.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Ribbed. We've come a long way from ribbed for her pleasure, right? Yeah, yeah, Also ribbed. What if she got really hooked up with the ribbed? Like, she couldn't. She got used to the ribbed for her pleasure. And then you were out of town, she'd have to use one of those hollowed out wooden fishes that they dragged the pencil across. What is that instrument? What was the hollowed out type thing? Yeah. What is it called in Mexico? It's Mexican. Right. It's like a hollow. It's an instrument. It's basically what, like it's the Mexican version of the triangle. Like when you go, hey, Yoko Ono, you don't play any instruments, do you? No. But you do insist on being on stage, right? Oh, definitely. All right, here's a thing. It's shaped like a triangle, and then you just stand a little off to the side and you can do whatever the fuck you want with it because it's not really gonna fuck Us up that badly. It's the Mexican version of that. It's like a hollowed out fish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You drag a pencil across the top of it and it's ribbed for her pleasure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I see. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It took a long time to get there. What is that called? It's called a Komo Tucker Guido. Yeah. And it's unclear if it's really played or just whoever the Yoko is in the band. You know, when Linda McCartney or whatever wants to get up on stage, you just go, here's your. In Mexico, you go, here's your hollowed out thing and stand there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's just call it the Girlfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

The Girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. The triangle. The hollowed out fish. It should just be called the Girlfriend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You just play this.

[Rudy Pavich]

A boyfriend.

[Ted Kappel]

Look at that thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't wear the condoms anymore, but I'm so old, I have varicose veins on my cock. So it is ribbed still for pleasure.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, let me take another shot of this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's an all natural ribbed.

[Adam Carolla]

Broken up upon. You were broken up with because of the size of the hawk?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That is sort of up there. You know, I have a list of things I'd like to. To be accused of. There is killing a man with your hands. You know what I mean? Where you go? I don't really wanna talk about it. But he started it. But anyway, I still should have stopped at some point. There's that. There is having your hands registered, like in Nevada. That would be nice. There would be escorted out of a casino for winning too much. Like, I'm too good. I know the shoe had six decks, but I could still count. I could count them. And being broken up with because your dick was too wide. Yeah, I'm gonna add all that onto that list. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, it was a great moment's huge. And I remember I've never beamed at a breakup before. I've cried at a breakup.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. You don't preen normally when there's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I was preening and adjusting at.

[Rudy Pavich]

The same time to fit it in the pants.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I get it. And I insisted she blog about the breakup.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, there was the woman from the reality TV or whatever. I don't know, Dawson, you can find this. Like, two weeks ago, she was telling about breaking up with her NFL lineman husband got divorced and it was all just about how big his hog was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, what about that little gymnast, Simone Biles? Simone Biles dates a gigantic football player.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, he played for the packers and now for the. I don't know if you saw the Bears at all, but yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't necessarily mean you have a huge dick because you're huge and black. It helps. But I remember very. I remember right where I was. I was on the set of Loveline on MTV a million years ago with Hallie Robinson Pete, the actress who married Rodney Pete. Come on. Rodney Pete? Yeah. You follow the NFL? Rodney Pete, defensive lineman. No, he's starting quarterback in the NFL for like 10 years.

[Rudy Pavich]

Greg, man, I'm so bad with names. I wish I was better with name.

[Adam Carolla]

You name two guys on two teams.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, but teams that I watch consistently.

[Adam Carolla]

Rodney Pete was a Viking.

[Ted Kappel]

It should be easier, too, because he has two first names.

[Rudy Pavich]

Rodney. I don't remember Rodney Pete on the maybe, but I'm so bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Ufc standout, usc, drafted pretty early. Not a outstanding career, but like, probably nine years in the league. Rodney Pete. You can find it. We'll find it. But anyway, the whole point is I was sitting next to her on the set of Loveline and some Magnum dick thing came up or something, and I said, well, listen, you don't have to be this, but maybe you're not the size of Shaq down there. And then we went to commercial and we're just sitting there in the break, what you do in the commercial. And Hallie Robinson Pete leaned over and she just went, I dated Shaq. And I went, oh, oh, you did? And she goes, not so much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, no. All right, see if Hallie. Wait. Hallie Robinson Pete, who was on like 21 Jump street, did stuff back in the day.

[Rudy Pavich]

Hanging with Mr. Cooper, I think was like her sitcom on Friday night.

[Adam Carolla]

That was right? Yeah, yeah. So she said she dated Shaq, which makes sense. She's a good looking, hot black actress. The timeline makes sense. And she just basically said, not. Not so much with Shaq, which is like, doesn't. Yeah. Doesn't have to be. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, I'm 5 foot 8, 150 pounds.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And 40 of those pounds in your.

[Rudy Pavich]

H.

[Adam Carolla]

Haley Khalil revealed in her 2022 divorce from offensive lineman Matt Khalil due in part to his penis size.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, Matt Khalil, definitely a Viking.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. He was a Viking. Whether he could have played for the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Browns and still been a Viking, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She did an interview and she was like. It was like two Coke cans just on top of one another, and we just couldn't. Couldn't do it anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Rudy Pavich]

Ah, dude, if you Put a side by side of Lawrence Taylor and Greg Fitzsimmons and said one of these guys got broken up with because of the size of their Johnson. Guess which one? I don't know if they would say. I don't know if they would say you, Greg. So you are definitely. You're in the. You're the minority in this situation, ironically.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm the minority.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

There's a lot of dudes. Because you're a little bit taller than me. Maybe, what, five? Nine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Five foot eight? 150.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it runs in the family, apparently.

[Rudy Pavich]

Mom side.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I know my brother does. Women I've talked to that he dated have commented pretty forcefully about.

[Adam Carolla]

Emphatically, would you say?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Very emphatically.

[Rudy Pavich]

They stopped you on the street.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you know who is very well hung. I went to Skankfest this year, which is this comedy festival that they have in. In New Orleans.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. Little unfinished business.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just so we don't get too far away. Rodney Pete, 15 years. 16 years in the NFL.

[Rudy Pavich]

Get out.

[Adam Carolla]

89 to 04. Rodney Pete played quarterback in the NFL.

[Rudy Pavich]

Oh. I was nine years old.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I was nine when Roman Gabriel played in Johnny Unites. Okay, don't pull that shit. I got a young girlfriend. I gotta hear that shit all fucking day long. Of course she knows Steely Dan is okay. There's things that happened before when you were young. See, I know you're still obliged to know those things. If you're a fan of that subject. If it's rock and roll, you got to know about Led Zeppelin. You need to know who predated you. If that's your subject. If I like cars and you're talking about a, you know, 63 Ferrari GTO, I can't go, hey, man, I was born in 60. I got it. I have to know that car. If I'm not into the subject, then you don't need to know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my sort of rule. And then if it's about World War II, everyone needs to know. Yes, that's on everyone. So 16 years in the league. I mean, he played backup for a while, but he started. Was he a Viking? He traveled everywhere. Holly Robinson Pete lived in Orlando at the same time Shaq played for the Magic. She married Rodney Pete in 97. Maybe that's her story. Like, maybe her thing is, like, to Rodney, like, yeah, I dated Shaq, but he's no Fitzsimmons. Wow. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have Shaq's number. Should we text him right now?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I'M at Skank Festival and it's debaucherous. You know, the green room is just filled with. It's got bowls of pre rolled joints and jars of magic mushrooms. And the wrap parties at Barely Legal.

[Adam Carolla]

Barely Legal is still around, but it's called. It's a strip club. Play for the Lions, Cowboys, Eagles, Reds continue to play for the Vikings. Sorry, go ahead. Raiders, Panthers. Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One of the events was a, you know, they do the roast battle and it was all nude. The judges were all nude. The comedians, like some actually really smoking hot women.

[Adam Carolla]

Nude, Nude. All nude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All nude.

[Adam Carolla]

Totally all nude. Triple X.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And one of the judges was Jason Ellis who came out and it almost touched the ground when he walked out. Big dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it was very impressive.

[Rudy Pavich]

Do you know Jason?

[Adam Carolla]

I think. Where would I. He's like, case you don't know Jason.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He'S got a huge podcast and he's tattooed. An MMA guy. Skateboarder.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, that Jason Ellis. Yeah, I know. I've done his radio. Played for the Panthers, the Lions. No, I know Jason Ellis. I was, you know, I was thinking about. I was thinking, for some reason I got Silent J popped into my head from.

[Rudy Pavich]

You mean Silent Bob?

[Adam Carolla]

Silent Bob, Sorry, Jay is Insane Clown Posse.

[Rudy Pavich]

Oh, you mean Violent Jay from the insane Silent J.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's Silent Bob, but there's no Silent J. Although I wish Violent J was Silent J. Yeah, yeah. Silent Bob is Kevin Smith. No. Oh, I'm sorry, his partner.

[Rudy Pavich]

Oh, Shaggy too dope. Are you talking?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Rudy Pavich]

Jay Muse. Jay the long haired.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Jay the long haired J. Muse.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Is who I was picturing when you were talking about Jason Ellis. I was talking about Jay Muson or J. Mewes.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. And there is a nude scene with Jason Mewes and Zach and Miri make a porno. So maybe that was going to your brain because he does walk through a hallway naked and he told a story about it that before they shot the scene, he was behind the door and he's tugging on his penis as hard as he can. And somebody like a PA turned the corner and they thought he was masturbating or something. And he was like, what? He's like, no, no, I'm just trying to get a little blood down there to make it look a little bigger on camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, you can get a little extra out of a stretch I've found. Minus the blood part. Just a physical stretch of the door.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stretching your body.

[Adam Carolla]

The dork. Pulling the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pulling the dork.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to do that. But us mortals, you know, they call it the lawnmower.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, you give it a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, give it a little pull. Yeah, give it a little pull.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Homes.com. some might say homes.com is the best home shopping site. I sounded like Oprah there. Homes.com has super comprehensive and transparent agent directories. Also, maybe homes.com maybe people love it because homes.com is the only site that always directly connects you with the listing agent who knows the home the best. Perhaps it's because homes.com has the most in depth neighborhood content of any home shopping site that's extensively researched to highlight the personality of each neighborhood. Homes.com goes above and beyond to bring home shoppers the in depth info they need to find the right home. Homes.com. that's holmes.com. we've done your homework. Stream blockbuster hits like 21 Jump Street Ted the Expendables, and so much more on Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never. All right, so other stuff to get into.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. I had a kind of a big announcement I thought you'd be interested in.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Famously. And by the way, thank you. I understand I'm nominated for. For joke of the year, story of the year in the awards.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know anything in advance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, well, now you do. And I'm lobbying for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I only bring it up because I won it in a previous year when you tried to get me to drink alcohol. Famously. And it wasn't fun. It wasn't funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it was hilarious. But you've always mocked my sobriety. I have lost my sobriety.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

As of.

[Adam Carolla]

No, hold on. Let me just say this. Let me say this. Here's how I would treat young sobriety.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And take this in spirit in which it's intended. There's you. There's guys like Bobcat. There are guys who quit drinking in their teens. And they go, well, I had a problem. Like, I had a problem. And here's the way I approach that. Because especially if you seem very put together as an adult, you don't. You know, there are people that are erratic and they're scattered. And I'd go, you probably shouldn't find your way back to booze. But I treat booze. Like if somebody said to me, if I said to Rudy, if I said, rudy, let's go get some barbecue. And then Rudy went, I don't eat barbecue. And then I went, why don't you eat barbecue? And you go, I quit when I was 19. And I'd go, but it's so good. And you go, yeah, just. It didn't sit well. It didn't work for me. I'd go, why don't we try some barbecue? Now that you're 46, I think you'd like some ribs. Because it's that good. Like, it's really good. And I don't want to sit here and watch a football game eating ribs without you. Like, I want you to have one in your hand as well. And that's the way I feel about booze. Now, if you told me it cost you two marriages and two jobs and three DUIs, and when you're on your 50th birthday, there's an intervention, then I go, no more barbecue for you. But if you dropped it real early, I go, yeah, I bet you could do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then Rudy starts farting up the party, sprawled out. Maybe he'll take another break next, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, he's fighting a cop with a rib in his hand. Yeah, give me that.

[Rudy Pavich]

Famous Daves.

[Adam Carolla]

He threw brisket his old lady and started beating the shit out of her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's got a rib up his ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Lubed up his hog with sauce and raped a school age girl in the bathroom at the park.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow, this guy really likes barbecue. I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Big baby, big baby, big ribs. Oh, he's out of control. He walked in the Home Depot parking lot and threw baked beans at a woman. Yeah, I don't know how long we can go on with the metaphor, but the point is, see, that's the way I feel about you and booze. Like, you'd be a great guy to have a couple of beers with. And you got out of the game so early.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was 24.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you were 24? I thought you were like 19 or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was 24, but I started when I was like 12.

[Adam Carolla]

Bobcat was like Bobby Kelly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know Bobby Kelly, he also quit when he was a teenager.

[Adam Carolla]

Bobcat was like 17 or something. And I'm like, listen, whatever works. No shade. But I don't know. I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think the key is, for a sober person is to bounce it off the ace man. I think your input is probably more important than their sponsor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, for sure. Like Jay Moore. All day long, no drinking, no nothing for you. Jay, you have a proven track record of not being able to deal with this, but you know, Bobcat, why not tip your toe? I mean, I was probably confusing him with you, but he was in his teens when he stopped. And who else do you say Kelly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was Bobby Kelly stopped very young.

[Ted Kappel]

Didn't Moshe Kashar stop as a teenager?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'd like to talk to these guys and see if I can't bring them toward the light.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then there was this guy that I wrote with. I wrote on Cedric the Entertainer presents Lucky Louis CK Got me the job. And there was a guy there named Jay Johnston, who. That name might ring a bell. Yeah, he ended up working on. He was on Mr. Show early on. Really talented comic actor who also wrote on some TV shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Like kind of old school, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, kind of a jar head looking guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he did stand up too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I think he was an improv guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know what? There was Jay Johnston, the baseball player who turned into sort of a Bob Uecker type. Like, Bob Uecker wasn't the only one doing the I played baseball and now I'm kind of a comedian kind of guy. There are other guys that, like, who are 20 years younger who are like, retired from ball. And somebody was like, yeah, you play ball and you're funny. And you see Bob Uecker and all the Bud Light commercials. Like, why can't you just do kind of that? I don't know if he's still alive or not. But anyway, sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Jay Johnston quit drinking when he was a teenager. And then we're working on the show, and he says to me, I've been sober now since I was 16. 16. And he goes, I know you don't drink. What do you think about me trying it again? As the Ace man recommends, he goes, should I try it? And I go, you know, I'm not like a. I'm not a big AA guy. I just stopped. So let me call my aunt who's in aa, and she goes. And she'd been in it forever. She goes, sometimes they call it, you need to find your bottom again. So sometimes you need to. Which is awful advice. And since I've talked to AA people, they go, I don't know what the fuck you're Anasaga. So I give Jay this advice.

[Adam Carolla]

But maybe when you did, when you called the aunt and said, asking for a friend, she was like, oh, yeah, the boy's thinking about drinking, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so I say, you know, she said, you should try. And so every Friday night we taped the show, and then there would be an after party, and this guy, John Bowman, legendary showrunner, would bring a good bottle of, like, McKellen Scotch, and everybody would have a drink after the show. So Jay grabs a glass, has a drink, and I see him off in the corner. He has a couple more drinks, everybody goes home. Monday comes around, Jay's not at work. Tuesday's around. Wednesday, he comes in unshaven, a mess. The guy ended up going down. The relationship, marriage ended. Last I knew of him, he invaded the Capitol on January 6th.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm looking at my screen right now, it says, Jeh Johnson, January 6th at the Capitol. Sentenced to a year and a half. I did that. Year and a day. I did that. Trump pardoned him, but he was. He was. But he Trump pardoned a bunch of J6ers. But. But a lot of the J6ers did the time and then were pardoned. They didn't get pre pardoned. You know what I mean? Like, Hunter Biden is pre pardoned, which is what you want. You want the pre pardon, you don't want the. I did three years and then I got out and then I got pardoned, which, it's off your record, but you still did the time. Fauci's pre pardoned.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You wanted to go in on January 5th and go, hey, can I get a pre pardon on this or the.

[Adam Carolla]

Seventh will work, but we can't have a trial and then me get locked up for three years. So I'm guessing J. Johnston did the time. I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think he did step foot inside a penitentiary. I believe so. Anyway, so I lost my sort. I go to an Italian restaurant two days ago, and I'm just stopping to get a coffee. And I like to go to Italian restaurants because they get the good espresso. And I walk in and this Italian guy behind the counter, I go, can I get an Americano with room? And he goes, huh? I go, americano with room. And then he walks over and I see him and he's talking to the manager, and they're going back and forth, their hands are way, they're Italian. And I go, what's the confusion? I see. See the espresso machine?

[Adam Carolla]

Room. You want room for crate?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, with room, right? So he comes back and he hands me the cup and he goes, that'll be $11. And I go, $11 for a cup of coffee? And I'm in Santa Monica. So I'm like, all right, whatever. So I give the guy the $11, I walk outside, take a sip of the coffee. I'm like, wow, this is fucking strong. And I take another sip and I walk back in and I go, is there alcohol in here? He goes, yeah, USA Americana with rum. He put fucking rum in my coffee. And I took two sips of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, that's tragic. Do you still have that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Smash his car on the way here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm saving it for the next invasion.

[Rudy Pavich]

Nice.

[Ted Kappel]

So you said room, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Ted Kappel]

I was with my uncle one time in one of those drive through liquor stores, and he asked for a pack of Cools. So he smoked cool cigarettes, K O O L. And the guy comes back with a six pack. Of course, he goes, no, cool.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that could happen too.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that could happen to me.

[Rudy Pavich]

It's. Speaking of AA, I had mandatory AA meetings, court ordered, when I was 15.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Rudy Pavich]

And at the end of it. Yeah, like after the six weeks or eight weeks, you know, the question they ask you is, you know, did you. What did you learn from this? I was like, are you gonna quit drinking? I said, no, I'm just not gonna be a fuck up. Like, these guys have completely ruined their lives. I'm 15 years old. I have so much time in front of me to figure it out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Scared straight.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

It was nowhere near that. But these guys were like, hardcore alcoholic. The guys were coming in and just chain smoking because that's all they need something to take their mind off of it because that's all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's why I didn't keep up with aa. I started. Boss, I quit drinking in Boston and tried going to a fucking South Boston AA meeting. Guy's like, I fucking took a guy's skull off from Whitey Bulger and I woke up with a dick in my hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No. I remember a guy telling me once, he goes, you want to go to the West Hollywood CA meeting? And I'm like, I don't do cocaine. He's like, so many hot chicks at the West Hollywood CA meeting. I'm like, skinny hot chicks at the West Hollywood. Because you go to the west side, you're dealing with cocaine. And they're pretty young because they get it at 23 and they start spinning out at 25, you know, now you got them all vulnerable.

[Ted Kappel]

They're just the right amount of damage.

[Adam Carolla]

Just done a few things they're not proud of. And you're there just to pick up the pieces.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The door is a jar.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right, let me ask you guys this. I have a theory and I'm curious about it. I was watching a tape of the Mangione supporters, like, lined out in front of the courthouse or the hall where he was being taken. They're all. He has groupies that follow him around from court to court and all that kind of stuff. And it's a fair Number of women, right? And then you kind of go, well, is this a like. Well, I'll show you that. I'll show you the tape. It's women. Women. People understand. There's a permanent record called the Internet, and you're going to be on it for the rest of your life. And there's going to be shit that you're not exactly proud of that's going to haunt you in a few years. But we'll play the tape. It. It's a bunch of women who are. It's a wagon train of young, nubile women following him into the court to hear whatever's going on with the guy who shot the guy and executed the guy in the back. Okay? So be it. Oh, wait, one dude. It must be his lawyer.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, I got a mustache. Of course it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Or it's a smart move because it's the dude trying to get laid.

[Rudy Pavich]

I was like, the CA Meeting?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the CA meeting dude, right? He doesn't have a problem, but he has a problem getting laid. All right? So then I started thinking about it and I was like, well, the guy's good looking, you know, but then you kind of realize you've been with enough, You've seen enough tall, statuesque blondes with short, stubby guys where you go, jesus, what is that super hot chick doing with that troll? And you go, he makes her laugh. You know, and for women, it's not about the look. You know, it's about the. But it's weird. So they're not as aesthetically inclined as we are, but as soon as someone is good looking and they murder someone, they all go stand outside the courthouse. So. And we wouldn't do that. Like, we'd go, that chick's hot. But we wouldn't go, I'm going to the courthouse today because she's good looking. You know what I mean? They do it so kind of. Which is it with women? Like, the only reason Gavin Newsom gets elected is because he's good looking. It's not because he does anything. And that's a lot of women voting for Gavin Newsom. So there is an aesthetic. On the other hand, their husband is bald and short, and they love him because they don't care about the aesthetic. He's got a kind heart. Makes them laugh. So, like kind of Witches at Bitches was going to be the name of my new game show. So you can get Cedric to host? Can you get Cedric to host? You want to Riches Cedric's perfect kind of play. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I mean, Ted Bundy was very handsome. He, I know he had a lot of, he had a lot of women. He did he actually. Didn't he like get married while he was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he, he got, I think he got married in the joint. Tex Watson got married, had four kids.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, four kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Four from inside.

[Rudy Pavich]

A woman from my hometown is married to Eric Menendez. My daughter's mom was this woman's nanny and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, slow that down.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, so a woman from my hometown. Yeah, Minnesota, moved out to Sacramento and married Eric Menendez while he was incarcerated. While he's incarcerated and still married to him to this day.

[Adam Carolla]

He's always been incarcerated.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To this day.

[Adam Carolla]

He was incarcerated. He was bar mitzvahed and then he went right to the penitentiary. They drove him from his bar mitzvah.

[Rudy Pavich]

They gave him a two week sabbatical.

[Adam Carolla]

The penitentiaries. That's how incarcerated he is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, well, obviously, you know, there was awful trauma that had happened to her early on and there was something that happened with her ex husband.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like conjugal visits that.

[Rudy Pavich]

I don't know. I don't know. A lot of the ins and outs.

[Adam Carolla]

Of it, it varies from like state to state, but they do have conjugal visits. That's how Tex Watson has four kids.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's funny because when that, when you think about it, you go, he's got four kids wandering around the United States, right. So then you go, his DNA. This guy who thought it'd be a good idea to murder a pregnant woman and do all of this, this guy's DNA is now floating around the United States times four. And you go, that's bad. And then I was thinking about it and I was like, I'll tell you what's worse. The DNA of the woman who went to the PR and to fuck him. She's more fucked up than he is. Like arguably, I would say her reproducing is actually worse than him reproducing because she had time to think about it, she was attracted to him. She went to prison times four kids. So now you have the worst DNA because you have the actual killer DNA. And then you have the enabler. I'm going to marry the killer DNA and fucking that guy. DNA in one person, by the way, floating about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then Tex isn't even around to be the father figure in the kid's life.

[Adam Carolla]

It may be one of the few times a gentile has switched their last name to Jewish like that Tex Watkins. Watson's son's probably out there and they're like, what's your name? My name is David Wittenberg. Jewish guy, huh? Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's funny cause you said howdy when I met you. Well, some of us Jews are on the ranch. Bar mitzvah spread, you know, like, he has four kids floating around out there.

[Rudy Pavich]

As does my dad. Four kids floating around. Probably still a better dad than my dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably from in the joint.

[Rudy Pavich]

In the joint. Not bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dad didn't write, did he?

[Rudy Pavich]

It depends on what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't write you letters? No, not.

[Rudy Pavich]

No. Manifestos, but definitely not Hex.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably wrote some letters from inside. Inside the jail.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, Manson got a lot of his followers pregnant, but he was a big abortion guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, was he?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they all got. That's how he. He got caught up. My friend Tom o' Neill has a book called Chaos. And it's all about how Manson got recruited by the CIA up in San Francisco. And the way they recruited him is he used to bring his followers into this clinic in the Haight Ashbury to cure their VD and get them abortions. So he whored out all of his followers and then he'd take them in. And there was a guy there, Jolly west, who used LSD to indoctrinate Manson and create. He wanted to sow chaos in the left. The anti war movement. And the anti civil rights movement. And the civil rights movement.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's an amazing book. Number two on the New York Times bestseller list right now.

[Rudy Pavich]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it just came out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, came out three years ago. And it's been on the list.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, on the list that whole time. That is amazing. Because books get up, they have a cup of coffee on the New York Times bestseller list, and then they.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He gets shout outs from different, like, big podcasters who are obsessed with the book, and then it goes back up again every time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so like Joe Rogan says something good about goes back up again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Candace Owen loves it.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

At the end of its run, they send all the extra copies to Ace. They keeps it in the warehouse back then.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I pedal those things around. Oh, oh, oh, O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, you know the jingle. Now get to know the guys and gals over there at O'Reilly Auto Parts. Man, they keep your car on the road. You don't be stuck by the shoulder looking like a dope. Friendly, helpful service people who actually know their stuff. Not just some kid who'd rather be on his phone. I've always used O'Reilly. That was my thing, man. I did a lot of my own wrenching back in the day. Now cars are modern. You don't need to do as much wrenching. But I do a lot of wrenching on my race cars because they're vintage. So whether you're a gearhead or you don't know a lug nut from a donut, they'll walk you right through it. No attitude, just help. @ O'Reilly stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or you can visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam simply safe. Oh, man. I realize that a security system is not just a deadbolt in wishful thinking. That's why I love Simplisafe, because it's proactive. Traditional systems react after a break in. Simplisafe can help stop a crime before it starts. Simplisafe keeps your home safe with a double layer of defense. First, AI cameras detect potential threats and then live agents confront them while they're outside your house, not inside your house. And that's why I trust Simplisafe. I do it. I use it at my place, protecting the studio gear and the front door and the driveway and all that stuff, the stuff I care about. Because real security stops crime before it starts. Am I right.

[Ted Kappel]

Dawson? Right now is such a good time to get Simply Safe. This month only get 50% off any new system. Go to SimpliSafe.com Adam Again, SimpliSafe.com Adam there's no safe like.

[Adam Carolla]

Simplisafe. It's not even my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Book. You got a new book out, by the.

[Adam Carolla]

Way? No, not yet. I'm thinking about, I'm thinking about a divorce based book because I got a lot to talk about. So I'm thinking about something like that. But I'm not, I don't know, for me, I go like two years, three years, write a book. Two years, three years, write a book. Unless there's a situation where when it came out with my first book in 50 years, Wallaby Chicks, it was really successful. So then the publisher is just on you, what's the next book? And then the next book was really successful. So they get back on you again, what's the next book? So you'll shit out like three or four books in a short period of time because they come up with an advance and so no one. Well, I don't say no one, but I would never say no to an advance. You know, they come to you and they go, we'll give you $500,000 or something. And you go, okay. And then they go, but you gotta write the book now. And you go, yeah, okay. And they just give it to you in advance. And then, as you know, they have all the markers along the way. You gotta have the first draft in by this date. You need the finished draft by that date. You need the COVID whatever it is. And then you're sort of obliged to keep up with their schedule. And then also, I mean, it's kind of, in a weird way, if you think about it, book publishers are sort of the ultimate psychologists and studiers of human behavior. Because they're like, who do we need to write these books? And the answer is comedians and like fucked up alcoholics and just like fucked up people that have never met a deadline. They're late to every lunch. Like, you know, you go, like, if you think about the guys historically that have written books, they've been a rogues gallery of fucked up alcoholics.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Norman Mailer. Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Hunter S. Thompson. Guys sitting home in cabins doing drugs all day, right? And firing guns into the woods, right? And you go, that guy. I need you to sit in a typewriter and dutifully bang away at this thing for five hours a day. That's not that guy. But the guy we want to hear the story from is, we want the story about Motley Crue written, you know, we want written by the alcoholic drummer and stuff like that. It's like, you can't get those guys. You can't wrangle those guys. You can't get. They miss every flight. They're two hours late for their concert, you know, their own concert. So what do you do? Like, how do you do this? And you have, you know, pampered celebrity, you know, beautiful celebrity women and, like, kind of do things on their own schedule. Not used to being bossed around. It's simple. You go, look, it's a million dollar advance or it's $500,000. You go, all right, I'll take it. You get 250. Oh, you said it was 500. You get the rest when you finish. You need to finish. And by the way, it's not gonna be 250 up front. It's gonna be draws. We'll give you 100 grand right now. But we need the transcript by December 22nd. No transcript. You don't get the second hundred thousand dollars and whatever. And they get these people motivated, the toughest people to wrangle in the world, the alcoholics and the drug addicts and the musicians and the rock and Rollers and the starlets and they get them to fucking put. Turn that book in. Because if you just go to him, it's 500k, here's 500k. You never get a.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Buck. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. They'll just go, fuck it. This go right up my nose. I'm fucking going to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hawaii. Well, that's. Tom O' Neill wrote this book. It took him 20 years, and I was his next door neighbor for that entire time. And he wrote every single day, but he kept uncovering more and more information about it. So he's a perfectionist. That's the other guy you don't want is the.

[Adam Carolla]

Perfectionist. Well, the people, the other people who don't have a book deal who go, I'm writing my own book. You talk to those people and you go, what are you up to? And I go, I'm writing a book on Al Capone. And then you run into them 11 years later and you go, what are you working. I'm working on that book. Right. That's them writing it on their own versus the hundred thousand dollar.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Draw. Here's the worst part is he pitched it. It started off as a magazine article for Premiere and they paid him to, you know, they gave him three months to write the story, and then he kept delaying it and delaying it. It was like the 50th anniversary of the murders. Kept delaying it, kept finding more stuff, delaying it. This went on for a year and finally they fired him. But he had the rights to the material. He took it to a major publisher and they gave him $1.3 million as an.

[Adam Carolla]

Advance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. And then over the next 10 years, he kept pushing off, handing it in, and then they sued him for. Like you said, they gave him about half the money. They sued him for the money back, which he didn't have. He spent it.

[Adam Carolla]

All.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure. So now he was teaching English as a second language, driving an uber for another 10 years, and then he sold it for. To another publishing company. I don't want to get into his financial details, but now he's making huge money from it. But he truly did work on it for 20.

[Adam Carolla]

Years. Well, I would call him an.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Outlier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because mostly they either work on it when you pay them or you don't pay them and they don't work on.

[Rudy Pavich]

It.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, that's why there's the ghostwriter. That's the best job. There's a guy named Neil Strauss and he ghostwrites a lot of the big musicians, the rock.

[Adam Carolla]

Stars. Yeah, I know that name. And yes, you have to have. It's not necessarily a ghostwriter. It's more of a conductor wrangler, kind of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Secretary. Someone you're accountable.

[Adam Carolla]

To. Yeah. Like, they go, all right, you know, call me on Monday at noon, and let's talk about the early years of Motley Crue, you know, and then they're the ones who are doing all the typing, essentially. I had to write a book that way, too. I couldn't sit and. Well, it was actually funny. I can't type right. Or punctuation, spelling. It's all gone. Can't do any of it. It's not gone. I never had it. So I was given an advance to write my first book. And in 50 years, we'll all be chicks. But we didn't have a title for it. Just, here's money, write a book. And I was like, okay, but I can't type, right? So I said to my ex wife, I go, you can type? Yep. She can type fast. I go, good. You just sit at the computer, and then I'll just sort of pace behind you and just dictate. That lasted about seven minutes. We had, like, 14 arguments in seven minutes. And I'm like, you know, she's standing and she's like, what do you mean, the spruce goose? I go, that's a plane, you know. No, it's not. It's a goose. You've never heard of the fucking spruce goose? I don't know what you're talking about. Nobody knows. Everyone knows. What the Spruce we got, like, 10 minutes in, and I was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like. I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Like. It was 10 minutes, and the writer wrote, like, 11 words, and I was like. And I was supposed to turn in 100,000 words. And I was like. I thought I was just gonna pontificate and you were just gonna stenographize. We argued so much in the first 20 minutes that I was like, oh, this is never. We didn't get through one page. They were already arguing. So then I just called up Mike lynch, and I was like, mike lynch, you can type, right? And you're funny. And he's like, yeah. I was like, you want some money? Yeah, I'll give you some money. You type. And then I just put him in that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Chair. Yeah, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Amazing. That's how you have. You have to do it that.

[Rudy Pavich]

Way. I got one friend who had that same thing about, I'm gonna write a book because his dad won a medal of honor. And he's like, I'm writing a book about the old man. And then about Four months later, I ran into him. I go, hey, how's the book coming? He's like, I got about six pages in and said, fuck this, I'm out. He's like, I'm just done. It's too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Much. When I wrote my book, I hired somebody not to dictate, but kind of a big guy, muscular guy. And he'd sit in my office and he would hold onto my right wrist. Sit on the ground. No, no. So I couldn't jerk off. So I wrote my entire book with my left.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Yes. He would come in, in the morning, he'd get the tissues and the lotions, and he'd throw them all out of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Office.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. And then he would, you know pine tar that the baseball players.

[Adam Carolla]

Use? Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure. He would get that. And he'd get it around my right wrist. And then he sat like, Indian style, but with his back to me, and he got the arm over his shoulder because there was a.

[Adam Carolla]

Struggle. Yeah. Jack Valet. Yeah. Every celebrated author has had to hire a Jack.

[Rudy Pavich]

Valet. Yeah. Also played third base for the Indians in.

[Adam Carolla]

74. Jack.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Valet. Yeah, that's.

[Rudy Pavich]

Right. Did he swing the weighted bat just to make your dick feel a little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Less? Oh, yeah. Got to do that. Swing that weighted back donut on.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Yeah, he's on. He's in the on. Dick circle. That guy's in the hole. Well, wait a minute. What? Dawson, I'm looking at you now. Jay Johnston, the baseball player. Remember that? Got to write it down. And Jay Johnson, the baseball player who did hosting. And was the Bob Uecker. The poor man's Bob Uecker. Was he Jay Johnston? Was he a Dodger and was he, like host TV shows and.

[Ted Kappel]

Stuff? I'm not sure if it's pronounced Johnston. It's spelled.

[Adam Carolla]

Johnstone. John Stone. Yeah, you're right. It's John Stone. J. John Stone. And is he still alive and was he kind of.

[Ted Kappel]

The. Died in 20.

[Adam Carolla]

20. Oh, man. How old was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He?

[Adam Carolla]

Sad. J. Johnstone was like A Dodger outfielder, 74. And tried the whole thing. The whole Bob Uecker.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it like, you know, like, worked enough for local whatever because. Can we do this? I just had this thought you were talking about the anniversary of Charles Manson and the murders and everything. Right. And then I've been thinking, there was the anniversary. We just had, like two months ago. We had the anniversary of the OJ murders. It was 30 year anniversary of the trial. The OJ trial. But there's also Nana and Pappy's 50th anniversary. Don't we need a better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Word?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, we just had the 75th anniversary of Pearl harbor and also this couple celebrating their fifth anniversary. We got words for everything. We have.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Words. The OJ 30th. What is, is it silver? Silver knives. What do you give on that.

[Adam Carolla]

One? Yeah, Linen is his tenure of cutting off a white chick's head. And then there's gold. I think that's the 25th. Or maybe that's the 5th. Platinum is OJ's. It's sad that OJ won't be here to celebrate his platinum anniversary of cutting a blonde haired bitch's head off. Yeah, yeah, anniversary. We freely use it and we don't really do it with other words. Like we have the tragic. We just had the 25th anniversary of 9.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

11.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Oh, yeah. A lot of young people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Died. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Why? We need another word? Yeah, we need the good. We need the good. The anniversary for the couple that made it and the anniversary of when you opened the Children's Hospital 70 years ago or whatever it is, but not 9.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

11. I call it a.

[Adam Carolla]

Reminder. A reminder. A heads.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Up. It's a 911 reminder. Don't forget. Don't ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Forget. The weird thing is in a world where we have like seven different words for soap, you know, we have cleanser and like, things. Shampoos and like variations of everything. Douche, douche. We don't have an anniversary substitute. In a world where we have nine words for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Everything. Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And we need one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Rudy Pavich]

Yes. Remembrance date. Something other than anniversary. You know the other thing about anniversary? People freely use it when they're in a new relationship. And I go, how long you guys been together? Just celebrated our four month.

[Adam Carolla]

Anniversary.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. How do you know exactly? It's been four.

[Adam Carolla]

Months. Yeah, I feel the same way for the people. You go, oh, how old's your babies? 27 weeks. Is that five? I don't know what that is. Should they be in college? Just say like almost six months or something or something like that, or four months or something. Don't give me the 29 weeks. You give me 29 weeks. Like, I don't know what to. Yeah, and also I don't really care. So, you know, like. And also I'm not gonna ever cry. Bullshit. Listen, I know 31 weaker when I see one. Don't give me this 29 bullshit. Like, it's just. Just go six.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Months. You know what's really annoying is my neighbors invited me over for. They had one of those gender reveal parties, you know, with the balloon. And so we go over there isn't gonna be blue or pink. And so everybody gathers around, they pop the balloon and it's empty. And I was like, what the fuck? And they go, oh, we ended up having an abortion. We don't wanna cancel the.

[Rudy Pavich]

Party. I thought you were gonna go down the rattle. Like we're gonna let the baby choose its gender. Some bullshit like.

[Adam Carolla]

That. That's great. They threw it up in the air and they shot it with a dart. And a coat hanger fell to the.

[Rudy Pavich]

Ground with a bunch of cash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

With a receipt for $1,200.

[Adam Carolla]

Cash. Similar words in the Oxford dictionary. The date on which an event took place in a previous year. Similar Jubilee.

[Rudy Pavich]

Jubilee. Let's not use that one for 9.

[Adam Carolla]

11. 9 11. Jubilee. What word is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That? Definitely not Holocaust. You don't want to use.

[Adam Carolla]

Commemoration. Right. It all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Positive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Is the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. You know who is. Oh, God, I gotta think of his name. Harry Connick Jr. Was born on 9.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

11. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

2001. His birthday's just on 9 11. And I was just. Literally, I was driving into work one night and I just was listening to Jazz Station and it was 9 11. But they didn't say anything. And they went, oh, and happy birthday to Harry Connick Jr. Born today, you know, 41 years ago or whatever. And I was like, oh, he was born on 9 11. And then I realized there had to be a situation where a year or two later, his wife threw him like a big ouch. Backyard party. And someone in the neighborhood had lost the sun in the first tower. And there they are with streamers and noise makers. And they had to be fucking. Fucking terrorist sympathizers over there partying on 9.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

11. Arab friends he accidentally.

[Adam Carolla]

Invited. A couple bearded guys showed up. And then the neighbor was like, Jesus Christ. Some of us lost people on that date.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. There's a sign at the end of the street on the corner that says 911 Jubilee with an arrow pointed this.

[Adam Carolla]

Way. Right this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Way. Can I was just. When I was in New Orleans, I took a tour of the city. I took a bus tour, and I learned about Harry. Do you know Harry Connick Jr's Genesis story as a.

[Adam Carolla]

Musician?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Yeah. This is fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy. I thought he was with Mike and the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mechanics.

[Adam Carolla]

There's. It's a deep cut.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kids. There's a mural of this musician. He's at a piano along the tour, and they go, that.

[Adam Carolla]

Was. Oh, young.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Prodigy. Harry Connick Jr. S father was the sheriff or the mayor. No, the mayor of New Orleans. And so there was this guy who was a heroin addict, but he was this renowned jazz pianist in New Orleans, and everybody loved the guy, but he just kept showing up in court with heroin charges. So the mayor of the judge, but he said to him, okay, this is your last chance. We're gonna let you free. But the only way I'm letting you free is you're gonna give my son piano lessons. Harry Connick Jr. Was his son, and he ended up staying sober for the rest of his life and teaching Harry Connick Jr. To become a.

[Adam Carolla]

Musician. I had a similar story, but my dad said, you have to rape my son. Which I was like, really? Those are the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Provisions. That doesn't seem like something you'd.

[Adam Carolla]

Want. That's what I said, Papa. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And he was a heroin addict, this.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy? Yeah. Yeah. He said, no, you don't have to give up the rig, but you have to rape my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Son. Which is hard. Cause on the heroin, you nod off, and there's a lot of erectile dysfunction. So this guy had to really.

[Adam Carolla]

Focus. Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah. I don't know why Jim Carolla would say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That. That's the.

[Adam Carolla]

Thing. And he wasn't even a judge. That's a scary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thing. It's almost like he wasn't out to give you a great.

[Adam Carolla]

Childhood. To be fair to him, I think he was agnostic about whether his kids had a good childhood or not. He was just kind of, look, if you have one, you have one. If you don't, you don't. We'll all be fine either way. Yeah. There's a weird thing where I have it. You guys have it. I'm sure my daughter will, like, call me and go, hey, I want to come over and stay with you in Malibu. And I'll go, when? And she'll go tonight. And I'll go, oh, well, okay. And I want to bring nine of my friends, and I'll be like, okay, I'll get the air mattress. Like, I never. I start thinking about, like, how I can accommodate everything all the time. Like, you get this command, you know, I want to do this. Or, like, it'd be like, I've never been to Catalina. I want to go to Catalina. And I'll go, okay, let me make some phone calls, you know? And then I'll, like. I'll try to figure it out. My parents didn't have an ounce of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Like. Like, I just come into the room and go, could I get a ride to Van Nuys to Teddy Lewis's house? No, and they just go back and just finish doing whatever they're doing. They weren't haunted by it. Like, like I bugged my mom for like a mini bike one Christmas for like four months. Like, I started in mid June on this mini bike. Like a minute. I could do it. I could learn to work on it. I could learn responsibility. It was like four months of non stop mini bike talk. Got to Christmas.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah, it's like it didn't. And it's weird because I feel compelled. Like, literally, I was in Vegas. I did two shows over at Kimmel's place. I got back to the hotel like midnight or something. My son and his friend were coming in for the UFC fight. I got him tickets for the UFC fight. Now I'm not to going. Like, I'm doing two shows at Kimmel's on Saturday, but he's going to the ufc and they're staying at the Lux Hotel or whatever. I get the call at midnight. Like, I'm literally in my underpants. Finished two shows, drove out there that afternoon. Dad, we can't check in because you gotta be. Gotta be 21 to check in. I was like, put my pants on, gotten an Uber, drove to fucking Lux, stood in line with them, you know, showed the id, got them like checked in and fucking went back to the hotel. Like, I. I just got up. I didn't go like, oh, man, call some. Don't you know anybody now? I'm not a hero. I just feel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Compelled.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You know what I mean? And my parents had no compunction at all about any. Like, just. No. And then I'd go, well, if you're not giving me a ride to Van Nuys, I guess I'll just mope around the house for nine hours. They'd be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And that just sit. Like it didn't bother them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. I was. I played hockey in high school. And I told my mom I wanted to join the team. Cause we had a lake near our house so I could skate. And, you know, we played hockey on the pond, but I didn't have.

[Adam Carolla]

Equipment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. And so I said to my mom, I want to play on the hockey team. She says, great. And so for Christmas, she got me hockey equipment. And it was street hockey equipment. It was like plastic, shitty Costco. And so I show and the coach sees me, he goes, you can't wear that. So kids would donate extra equipment. And then I remember going in the garbage and pulling out some shoulder pads. I played half the season with no shoulder.

[Ted Kappel]

Pads.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure. And then I pulled Some out of the garbage. And then after practice, everybody else's parents would pick them up. They wouldn't pick me up. So it's January in New York and I would hitchhike home on the highway with my hockey.

[Adam Carolla]

Equipment. I don't. First off, I don't know how you can do it, but also. All right, a couple of things. I was listening. Celebrities will get interviewed and they'll go. Well, I had a tough time with my parents, but now I'm older and thinking about, they did the best they could. They did the best. My mom's effort was like a one and a half and I give my dad like a 2.2. Like, there was no doing the best of. Why is your default setting for your memory of your parents? They did the best they could. They did not do the best they could under any circumstances whatsoever. They. Their plan was to do nothing. Not the best. Not the best they could. Their plan was they won't cook, but I can go someone else's house and eat dinner at their house. And that's not doing the. What is that thing where he throw it around so liberally like, you know my dad. Yeah, it wasn't great, but he did. He didn't come fucking close. And by the way, I would see them when they wanted to do something. I did. You. You will see people who do nothing, who are motivated to do the best they can in a certain instance. And then they do get really fucking good at something. You know what I mean? Like, couldn't get a ride at Teddy Lewis's house, but when a new restaurant opened up on the other side of the hill that they heard was great and they wanted the best Thai food in town, they drove to that. They did the best they could when they wanted to go eat right. They're just not so much for not in the mini bike department, but in the Thai food department. They did the best they could. TRA tax relief. We've all seen those IRS commercials where they try to scare the hell out of you. They're coming for your house, they'll seize your bank account. Yeah, we get it. But here's the truth. Tax relief advocates is different. Whether you owe five grand, fifty grand, or half a million, they have a real solution for you. Doesn't matter where you're sitting right now in the car at work, chasing your kids around. Just go to tra.com you don't have to lose hope. These guys know the system. They could actually reduce or even wipe out what you owe over 1,000 five star reviews. On Google, a rating with the Better Business Bureau. So stop sweating it and start fixing it. Some pretty generous programs out there right now that can give you a fresh start. Am I right.

[Ted Kappel]

Dawson? And the Nightmare today. Visit tra.com that's tra.com, tax relief advocates real solutions for real.

[Adam Carolla]

People. Stream blockbuster hits like 21 Jump street, the Expendables and so much more on Pluto TV. Stream now. May.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never. I took my family to Mexico for the. Remember, there was that solar eclipse about two years ago, so there was a spot in Mexico called Mazatlan, which is where the sun was first hitting the horizon. So it was the first place to watch it. So we all went down there, and a bunch of their friends went down. So there's like 15 of us, and it's a big party. And so the night of the thing, it was like, me and my wife are in bed at the Airbnb, and it's one o' clock in the morning, and my daughter texts me, so I'm like, oh, fuck. So I text her back. I was like, what are you doing? She's like, we want to go to the casino in town, right? But we don't know how to play blackjack, and we need you to come with.

[Adam Carolla]

Us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Pants.

[Adam Carolla]

On.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. 25 minutes away. I go to the casino. I get there, my daughter's out front. They won't let her in because she doesn't have her passport. And I'm like. Everybody else was getting in. I was like, all right, well, let's just head home. She's like, no, I want to go home and get my passport so I can go in and.

[Adam Carolla]

Gamble. Oh, turned it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Around. We get in a fucking motorcycle with a cart attached in the back, and we're going through pot. Half an hour home, half hour back to the casino. Buy him chips. There's a cartel at the next table. I kind of have. I'm kind of keeping between them.

[Adam Carolla]

And the cartel, the Medellin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Brothers. That's what I.

[Adam Carolla]

Did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I.

[Adam Carolla]

Did. My daughter. I did a show in Santa Barbara last weekend. My daughter's like, I want to go to the show. And I go, oh, okay. I want to bring a friend. I go, okay, Six friends. I go, okay, so you and six people? Yeah. I go, okay, I'll put you on the list. And then show starts at 7. It's like 7, 10. Of course they're not there. And then at some point, I get the text. We're in line, but the line. Line's really long. I go, okay, Mike August, go find them. Go find them in line. You know, go out to the street. Go. Then I get the call from Mike. I can't find them. Where are they? I don't know. Maybe they're in. All I did, I did about. I did an hour worth of comedy, about three hours worth of entertaining her friends. And Mike was behind the bar, like, making them drinks and stuff. We're up in the whatever, and it's like. Yeah, it felt like snapping into action like they wanted. And it's so funny. I thought about it. My dad's big joke. It was funny. I was laughing with Dr. Drew about this. My sister, who basically ran away at 14. Cause she was like, okay, well, your sister did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Yeah, she ran away. And it's funny cause I used to talk to Dr. Drew about it. And I said. I said, my sister ran away when she was in the eighth grade. And I don't mean for a night. She ran away, like, forever. Yeah. Well, eventually came back with her boyfriend after like a year. I don't even remember. But the whole point is she left. And Drew goes, you know, that only happens when someone is being molested or abused. And I was like, statistically, yes, but you can drive a teenage girl out of the house if you completely ignore them for 10 years. My sister left because there was nothing in the house for her. So there's just as much outside of the house as there is inside the house. So she just split. But my dad was funny because my dad was who had a little bit of a sense of humor. And he wasn't a bad guy or anything. He just had a weird relationship with being what kids want and need and stuff. He would always laugh. Like, my sister, when she lived there, 12 years old, she'll go, like, can I get a ride to so and so's house? Or can I get a new pair of shoes or something? And my dad would always comically go, give me, get me, take me, give me, get me, take me. All they want is give me. And it's like, yeah, old man. That's what you. That's what happens when you're.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

11. It's called.

[Adam Carolla]

Childhood. You don't have money and a job and a car. Yes, that's what you do. You. You give them things. You take them places. You get.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Them. Parent, parent, parent. Responsibility.

[Adam Carolla]

Responsibility. Stuff. Stuff from person who sprung from my Lord. All you want is things or stuff. Or didn't pull out. Yeah, could have pulled out. Could have Came on the tits. And now all it is is you. Yearbooks, pants, meals, vaccinations, floss. It's always something, isn't it? Canned goods. It's always something with you. Socks, a hug. I don't know. Like, yes, your kids want stuff. It's the mini bikes. Yes, they want.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Things. And some fucking knee pads that aren't made out of thin.

[Rudy Pavich]

Plastic. Ccm, mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Ccm. Can't you just go to the dumpster and get shoulder pads like a good little son? Oh, we have to go to Dick's Sporting Goods and buy things. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stop. Yeah, I know it's annoying. So you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Exercise. I know it's annoying to you that your daughter wants things or stuff or to be taken. Give me, get me, take me. That was his. And by the way, he did that like it was a running joke. Like you'd say, you know, like you're making fun of like your fat wife going, she said Monday she was gonna fast, but she was eating eggs Benedict when I came down to the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

K. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing fast was how quick she got to the.

[Adam Carolla]

Refrigerator. That's how fast she fasted. Like, right? She sits around the house. No, but he's saying it like everyone's gonna nod, like, oh, yeah, man, you are. You are a truth teller, Jim Carolla. That's so true. What's that bitch want with stuff? Why can't she just sit in her room and expire? What's next, tap water? Oh my goodness, you are so put upon. That is right. Listen, I daughter, she's never gotten a penny for me and I've never driven her anywhere. So I don't know what you're doing wrong, bro. Like, he said it like it was a joke. Like people would know and agree with.

[Rudy Pavich]

Him. As we're having this conversation, I'm realizing it's a lot of timing because our parents didn't do much for us. But now that I got a couple of bucks in the bank, my, my daughter has been.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Everywhere.

[Rudy Pavich]

Like. Like, because I'm doing all these things for the first time. I'm finally like going to Disney, going to Hawaii, like taking trips, vacations. So she's coming with. I'm thinking, my grandkids are fucked. My daughter is gonna have been everywhere on the planet and just go, you know what? Nevermind. I already went and saw this stuff. You kids don't need to go. Go figure it out on your.

[Adam Carolla]

Own. No, my daughter was like, I wanna go to the Lakers game On the whatever, 14th. And I was like, oh, okay. And she goes, it's a preseason game. I go, oh, okay, you wanna go with me? Oh, I wanna bring two of my friends too. I go, okay, four tickets. All right. But it's preseason. Preseason. Oh, okay. Call up Jay Moore. I go, jay, preseason Lakers. He goes, that's opening day. I go, oh, does that mean less tickets than preseason? But the next thing you know, we're all fucking sitting courtside opening. I didn't call her back and go, hey, man, sorry. Jay Moore says that that's opening day and that's a tough ticket you can't expect or whatever. And I was like, I had a little anxiety about it. Jay gave us sort of open ended. Like, I can try, but that's tough for opening day on kind of shortish note hand, four people. And I was like, just give it a shot, but don't get fired from your day job or whatever. And I had marching orders. Like, I was compelled versus give me. It also is weird. The part that's weird is the zero thoughts. Like, my mom and my dad didn't have thoughts about not doing anything or providing anything or driving or mini bikes or whatever. It didn't bug them that they didn't do it. You know what I mean? Whereas, like I said, we may not be 100% in the achievement department with the kids, but I will be a little bugged if I know, you know, I'm gonna be out of town that day you wanted me to do, like, whatever that thing is, you know, it didn't. My parents were.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Unfazed. Yeah, they came. My father came to one hockey game in four years in high school, and I got so excited that he was there. And I played defense even though I was. I was the fucking smallest kid on the team, but I could skate backwards. So they made me a defensive.

[Adam Carolla]

Shit. Oh, that's the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Coolest.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Skating backwards may have been better than a huge dick. Yeah. And skating backwards was a.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Big. On the crossover, the dick kind of got in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Way. That's a spike strip, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of kids had cups and I had like a half a gallon of milk.

[Adam Carolla]

Carton.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You know, just with electric.

[Adam Carolla]

Tape.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So my father is standing at the glass at the blue line, and this guy is taking out the puck. They're breaking out the puck. He's skating up the boards and I line him up and I just start skating as hard as I can. And I was like, my father's face is right at the glass. I was like, he's gonna watch the Fucking his son. His son. With real equipment. Real equipment.

[Adam Carolla]

Now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And I go and I throw my body at this guy, he just ducks out of the way and my face just smashes against the glass right in front of my father. And at the end of the game, he wasn't even there. He was just.

[Adam Carolla]

Gone. Oh.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. Closest to a hug you ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Came. Missed the check, missed the.

[Adam Carolla]

Dad. There's.

[Rudy Pavich]

A. There's a picture at my. Speaking of sports, my senior year of football, you know, the last game, it's always seniors night. They bring out the parents. There's a picture, me standing in between. We just smacked a.

[Adam Carolla]

Fly. Yeah, yeah, there we.

[Rudy Pavich]

Go. But we. I'm standing on the football field. I got my two best friends, Luke Hendrickson and Kenny Lorenz, standing on either side of me with both their parents. And then I'm standing there in between them by myself with a single.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Rose in my hand, like the.

[Rudy Pavich]

Bachelor. That's just the saddest episode of the Bachelor. I was supposed to give it to my mom and she never showed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You? No.

[Adam Carolla]

Way. By myself.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yep. So when they say your name and then you walk out to the middle of the field with your parents. They literally got to my name and I walked out to the middle of the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Field. I hope you press that rose in a book. That's going to be your rose, bud, when you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Old. My dad did something that I look at the time, I never thought it's at the time, I never thought of, who cares? Whatever. But he did something that was kind of bizarre, which is he did go to a couple of. Of home football Pop Warner games and he would not sit in the bleachers with the crowd. There'd be the moms and they'd be wearing their kids East Valley Trojans jersey with the number on it or whatever, and communally sort of cheering on the East Valley Trojans. He sat far away on the field. Not in the field of play, but just on the grass, sort of offside, like by the 20 yard line, but like 10ft away, off on a miniature one of those little beach folding chairs, you know, with the weird aluminum and the slats of the nylon slats, like 4 inches off the ground. He sat there alone, away from everybody with a book. And he just sat there with the book on his lap and his face buried in it, weirdly advertising, like, as a conscientious objector to supporting his son's playing. The thing that's weird about it is I've been to my daughter's volleyball games and they go on for 11 hours. They play 26 games. And at some point you take a peek at your phone and you look down, you start answering a text and you'll look up and you'll see your daughter on the court looking at you. You slide it your seat, you know, like it was an emergency. You know what I mean? He sat there, like on display, like, essentially, like, hey, all supportive parents in the stands watch me ignore this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Game.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And didn't have thoughts about it. I came with that idea. I haven't talked to you guys about this ever, I don't think. But these marathon. It's a tip for all guys listening. Marathon kids, volleyball games in Orange county that they start at 7 in the morning. And then the tournaments. Yeah. You get to like 3 o' clock and you go, can we go home if they win? We're not going anywhere, you know? Jesus Christ, it's been 11 hours. Keep a set of scrubs, surgical scrubs in your trunk. Just keep a set of scrubs and then put them on. Just put. You can pull it right over your shirt and shorts, you know, and then you walk in and you go, sorry, I got here soon. I could, what's going on? And then at some point you can look at your phone and go, oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I gotta split. And you leave and everyone has mad respect for you. And you just go to the fucking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Quiznos. I used to do a.

[Adam Carolla]

Cape. Oh, cape is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cool. Yeah. I used to pull out my cape. I had a pager and a cape. But now the worst is then suddenly you're cheering for the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Team. Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

100%. Get the fuck out. You know.

[Adam Carolla]

What? I used to lose my act. I go, it is true. I'm cheering for the team that is playing my daughter's team, which seems bad or lopsided it, but keep in mind their parents on the other team are cheering for my daughter. So it evens out. All right. Fitz Dog got shows all over the place. GregFitzSimmons.com is where you go. Me tonight. Fort Lauderdale. Doing shows there. Miami at the Improv. Couple of shows there as well. Also Fort Lauderdale, back on Sunday and then gonna be at the sagebrush cantina on December 18th. Hey, doing shows with that Brad Williams gonna be out there as.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well.

[Rudy Pavich]

Nice. Rudy, I'll be with you coming up in Vegas. The 19th and.

[Adam Carolla]

20Th. Yeah. Oh, and you're going to Fort Lyon. Oh, you're doing something else.

[Rudy Pavich]

There. No, I'm with.

[Adam Carolla]

You. Oh, you're with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Me? I'm with.

[Adam Carolla]

You. Oh, good. So until next time, Adam from Rudy Pavich and Greg Fitzsimmons saying.

[Ted Kappel]

Mahalo. Leave us a voicemail at 8 at 863-41744 and get tickets to see Adam Carolla Christmas podcast December 18th sage brush casina sage brush cantina.

[Adam Carolla]

[e-mail]. Is free with all the best movies. The longer days are pluto, so is your feeling. Stream pluto tv stream pluto tv streaming pluto tv for free stream blockbuster hits like 21 jump street ted, the expendables and so much more on pluto tv stream now pay never. Pluto TV is free with all the best movies. The holidays are brutal so we start feeling frugal. Stream Pluto TV Stream Pluto TV streaming Pluto TV for free. Stream blockbuster hits like 21 Jump Street Ted, the Expendables and so much more on Pluto TV Stream now pay.