Giovanni (2:13)

The whole trip was ruined.

Adam Carolla (2:16)

Ruined. There's not enough deep dish pizza to bury yourself in to make that right.

Giovanni (2:20)

I know. I tried.

Adam Carolla (2:21)

So she came back and she was upset that there was no snow. And then so she made the proclamation and we, we need to go find some snow. So I said, all right, I'll take you and Sonny for the day. We'll go out and find some snow. We'll go tubing. We'll go to one of those places.

Giovanni (2:36)

That's the promise of Southern California. You ski in the morning and go.

Adam Carolla (2:40)

To the beach in the afternoon, and it's crazy. It's about. Well, there's traffic on a Saturday, but it's about 80, 90 minutes away. And you're at the snow. Snow. Not given credit for being as beautiful as it is. Like, people say, hey, go down to the beach, walk on the sand, stare at that ocean. Really, you know, get your head together, drink it in, drink it in. Let your tootsies hit the Pacific Ocean. The snow, especially these evergreen trees that have been covered from frost from the night before. As you look up when the sun breaks through, it's a fairy tale. It's amazing. From a complete. Just visually, aesthetically, once you get up in those hills and then you look down enough where you can see there's sort of desert and there's no snow, and then there's snow and it just.

Giovanni (3:27)

Majestic.

Adam Carolla (3:27)

Majestic. So I took. So the funny misunderstanding was. And it's one of those things where people can settle the confusion pretty easily. But I'll tell it to you anyway. I said, all right, so we'll take you and your friend Lauren up to the snow and we'll do it this weekend. This is Monday, Tuesday. And then at a certain point, old guy chimes in and says, well, what about Sonny? And, well, turns out Sonny's got a kid's birthday party to go to. Never in the annals of history where were kids being devastated by other events that were every bit as fun. We didn't have that as an option. Like, we couldn't be like, hey, hey, hey, I can't go to Knott's Berry Farm because I gotta go to Disneyland. So I'm getting screwed over here. Right? You understand? So just go ahead and think about what you've done to me.

Giovanni (4:18)

Hope you feel my pain as you're going to Space Mountains.

Adam Carolla (4:21)

I'll figure out ways to make up. You know, picture me not at Spillik Corners when I'm on Space Mountain, okay? Now go home, shut the door, and go figure out how we're gonna right this wrong. I don't know how we spilled into this zone where people were getting screwed because they chose not to do that event, because they chose to do another event that was a slumber party with a football game attached to it.

Giovanni (4:41)

So much good stuff.

Adam Carolla (4:42)

Sonny's very even keeled, but he did have another event. And then we felt sort of bad that now Natalia's going to the snow, but Sonny's not going to the snow. So Olga then says, well, why don't we See if we can put it off to the next weekend and then Sonny could go. And I said, well, fine with me. That's one, you know, that's seven days further away from me having to drive to snow for a full Saturday and do nothing. So I said, natalia? She said, yeah. I said, how about we do the snow thing the following weekend? Just not this week, but the following. And she went, yeah, sounds good. And I was like, huh? What? I've never yoinks. Everything to her is like trying to get a cat into a sleeping bag cover. You know what I mean? Come on. Even if it's the good stuff. So she's like, yeah, I could do that. And I said, really? And she said, yeah, we'll go this weekend. I knew it. Next weekend. I said, perv, we're back. We are back. Everybody. Everybody's playing the role. Everybody's back. So that at least we were back. I got that. So I said, all right, so I'll take the kids, I'll take the girls out. Tubing. So we bought the buy basically a tubing lift pass. And it's so crazy. They have this conveyor belt that lifts them up from the bottom of the tubing run back to the top. It's such a weird thing because seeing 8, 9 year olds standing on a conveyor belt going through the snow, like it's so organiz well in. And also, geez, I wonder why we have a little problem with obesity here. This is going out and playing in the snow. Except for you're riding the magic carpet. A conveyor belt back. It's only about a. It's probably about 70ft spread out over about 100 yards or 80 yards, but totally hikable. But now you stand on the conveyor belt, you drag your tube, you throw it at a Mexican when you get to the top, and then you get a fresh tube when you're ready to get back in your flume again. But there was this thing, and I don't know if you guys are like me or you're experiencing this, but I have this obsession with way too much interaction, discussion and information once the verdict has been rendered. So like I said years ago when I was at the Burbank airport and you got the. Could you go ahead and turn around for me? And you start. You're at security and you start turning around real fast. Do we have to add the real fast?

Gina Grad (7:18)

Are you turning.

Adam Carolla (7:20)

Yes, I'm. What is it, 360. So I'm like 185 into. Or 180. I'm 180 into my. Sorry. Scratch it. Yeah, Brian's making it. I'm 90. I'm 90 into my 180. I'm 90 into my 180, which has taken all of a second and a half. And you got to throw in the real fast as I'm. But by the time you get to real fast, I'm already. My back is to you. But just this extra everything talk. And it's a little sing song. It's a little condescending, but it's also like, okay, it's a sort of yes or no. So at a certain point, I got a lot of hours up on this mountain and I'm not going tubing. I didn't buy myself a tubing pass. A girl tubing. Well, you're gonna find out they had a chalet up top, which is just a place where they sell really expensive frozen, formerly frozen fish sticks and. And chicken sticks and. Weird. The thing that drives me nuts is the stuff that's not nachos, but advertises nachos, ground chips and the pump cheese. And I just stared at it. It's a Vinnie Tortorich nightmare.

Giovanni (8:26)

And it's like garlic to a vampire for Vinny.

Adam Carolla (8:29)

Speaking of Vinnie Tortorich, I thought, all right, I'm on my diet. I'll order myself a scotch and I'll sit down by the fire and I will watch a football game.

Giovanni (8:38)

There you go.

Adam Carolla (8:39)

So I go up to the. I go up to the bar and I go, you have scotch or anything hard here? And they go, no, just beer and wine. And I said, okay. Then she paused and she said, because of the kids. I said, yeah, okay. No hard liquor on the mountain because of the kids. And I'm like, yeah, I hear you. Like, if I got a scotch, I'd be. I'd be fucking my daughter in a Snowbank within about 20 minutes of now. You're right. And that would terrify all the kids coming up on the bus. You know, just seeing my white ass against a snowbank.

Giovanni (9:14)

Guy's drinking scotch.

Gina Grad (9:15)

You could beat your kids just fine on beer and wine, by the way.

Adam Carolla (9:18)

I think historically you're probably correct there. I can have enough of those 16 ounce IPAs to get a good whooping on. But I just thought, like, you could just tell me we don't have hard liquor. I'm not going to start getting into all the ins and outs.

Giovanni (9:33)

What I demand a reasonable explanation.

Adam Carolla (9:36)

Tell might be the reason. Because of the children. Also, it's a weird thing because it gives You Some sort of weird guilt complex? I didn't want any. I was just asking. I mean, I love kids. Yeah.

Giovanni (9:46)

Yeah, you can argue with that.

Adam Carolla (9:48)

Because of the kids. So they were. They were tubing all day. I was sitting up, drinking a coffee and watching. Watching the football game. The. Was it the Patriots game?

Giovanni (9:59)

Yeah, probably.

Adam Carolla (10:00)

Yeah, probably. I was actually watching the Seahawks game, sir. Okay. All right.

Giovanni (10:04)

Seahawks, Falcons.

Adam Carolla (10:05)

All day. Yeah. And we had a good time. And I gotta tell you as much, I've done a lot of this in my life. As much as you think dragging the kids somewhere and sort of. Here, here's your lift pass. Go run around and tube for three hours. I'll be sitting up here. As much as you sort of might dread that as a boring day for you, you'll never. It is the. I've said everyone should have to go to coin op laundry twice a year just to sit there on that fiberglass stool with the smell of miniature boxes of Tide in the background and get stuff done. You'll never get more done. You just don't really have that time where the TV's not around, you can't get to any of your stuff, and you're sort of forced to. Whatever. I go up there, I bring my pile of buck slips with my miscellaneous junk that I haven't got to or I have got to. I literally just pile them up on the table, and I just sit there with a couple of master buck slips, and I just use it as. Here's my. I got three hours. I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna get my stuff done. It's a good opportunity to get stuff done. So.

Gina Grad (11:16)

She's past the age of Daddy. Watch me. You gotta watch us do this.

Adam Carolla (11:20)

Yeah. I was sort of hanging around and trying to take a picture when they'd go down the hill or whatever that was. But, no, she's got her friend.

Gina Grad (11:30)

Beat it.

Giovanni (11:31)

Yeah, most of them, they're in that transitional period to. Dad, leave us alone.

Gina Grad (11:35)

Yeah, I didn't.

Giovanni (11:36)

Make yourself scared.

Adam Carolla (11:37)

It's funny. They never did. Natalia's got a little bit of that, but they never really were a ton about. Watch this. Were you? They're not clingy like they want to get dropped off and never go home. Their friends, their families are better than ours. Their houses are better. Everything's better. The dads are better. Everything's better. So they're smart. They're going to a better place, Literally. All right. We have been trying to get to this peanut allergy thing for a while because I got A thousand tweets about it. I told Gary to well, in my audiobook on 50 years will all be chicks, I think I must have addressed this peanut allergy thing. And I said, why don't you grab that, we'll listen to a little bit of that. Gina, you get ready with the story first. I'll tell you guys about Smart Mouth. It's the only activated mouthwash clinically proven to instantly eliminate bad breath and prevent bad breath for a full 12 hours per rinse. So do it at night, be good in the morning. Activation is the key. They got two separate liquids. They combine to activate zinc ions that stop bacteria from producing sulfur gas. It's real, baby, clinically tested science that works. So doesn't matter if you're out all day or wherever you are all night. Smart Mouth. Next time you're out drinking, smoking, use Smart Mouth before heading home with somebody. That's right, you're going to meet somebody. Look, the breath is going to be in bad shape because wherever you were, it was smoking, it was drinking, it was bad.

Giovanni (13:19)

Barf.

Adam Carolla (13:19)

Nachos, fake nachos. No hard liquor, just a lot of booze. Boxes of wine. Visit smartmouth.com that's smartmouth.com or you can find it at Walmart, Target, Walgreens, CVS, wherever you like, wherever you shop. Smart Mouth, baby. All right, so now studies have come in on this peanut business and what have we found out?

Gina Grad (13:43)

Well, here is one of many articles. This one's from the Tribune. It says most babies should start eating peanut containing foods well before their first birth, says guidelines released Thursday that aim to protect high risk youngsters from developing dangerous food allergies. The new guidelines from the National Institute of Health mark a shift in dietary advice based on a landmark research that found early exposure dramatically lowers a baby's chances of becoming allergic. The recommendation spells out exactly how to introduce infants to peanut based food and when. For some, as early as 4 to 6 months of age, depending on whether they're at high, moderate or low risk of developing one of the food allergies.

Adam Carolla (14:21)

This notion that we have guidelines for introducing kids to peanut butter sandwiches is an insane thing. And of course I always knew the answer because I knew we can't physiologically change that much now.

Gina Grad (14:34)

But did you know it before January 5, 2017? Because that's when this article started reckoning.

Adam Carolla (14:40)

All I know is in terms of our attitudes, we can change very quickly. Like it didn't take us that long to come around. On undoing Bill cosby after a 45 year career, right. No one more beloved than Bill Cosby. And within about a nine month period, I think everyone was pretty much done with Bill Cosby. Right. Those kinds of things we can come around on real quick. But physiologically, I just don't think we change that much as a species in a very short period of time. What we do is our minds are all super soft and out of problems. And these are always frightened people are the tip of the pussy spear. They lead the parade of pussies who then file in behind them while they're going down some sort of fucking retard avenue with their kicking their legs high and pounding on their bass drums. And I'm always the guy standing on the curb going, I'm not going to get in line behind these fucking idiots. And everyone's like, haven't you heard? I know what I know. And they're like, yeah, but this person's. Blah, blah. And then somebody.

Giovanni (15:45)

It's hard to argue with the kid who, the two year old kid who actually has a peanut allergy because of this. It's hard to argue with that.

Adam Carolla (15:51)

Yes. And it'd be hard to argue with air travel if all you did was focus on the 10 or 12 major disasters over the course of the last 30 years. But if you then look at the overwhelming number of flights that take place on a daily basis with no difficulties at all, if you factor that in like a human should, then you'd realize it safe to go the airport. If you only focus on a couple of outliers, then of course not. And all I'm saying is, I'm not saying there's no disasters, aeronautical disasters. I'm saying is it's relatively few and far between and it really shouldn't be coloring your decision on how to get to Boston. Yeah, and take it a step further. Whether it's, whatever it is, the unintended consequences. Who said you taking a Greyhound to Boston or a train to Boston had zero risk for you?

Giovanni (16:50)

Far riskier.

Adam Carolla (16:50)

You've all decided that this other modality has zero risk potential. And I'm like, these other things lead to other things, like keeping peanuts away from kids and keeping everything away from kids and dipping them in Purell every five minutes. That does have consequences. All right, so the article is. I'm sorry, what?

Gina Grad (17:10)

So they're saying that between four to six months of age, your best bet is to introduce them to peanuts so they don't get a peanut allergy. A dangerous peanut allergy.

Giovanni (17:19)

Can I tell you Tessa had her checkup her like monthly doctor's appointment a couple days after this article came out. And of course, we all got tweeted, you know, a few dozen times. And I said to the doctor, her pediatrician, she's selling, you know, formula and breast milk and, you know, the bottle, she's gonna transition to, like, solid food soon. And we're like, I said to the doctor, I said, how soon should I introduce the peanuts? You know, so she doesn't develop one of these trendy new peanut allergies. And she's like, oh, no, like, pretty much right. As soon as she starts eating solid food, work a little bit into her food.

Adam Carolla (17:45)

Work everything in.

Gina Grad (17:46)

All right, Dr. Morse?

Adam Carolla (17:47)

Yeah.

Giovanni (17:53)

All right. That was Adam Kollish show 1988. Coming up next, we have Adam Kollicho, 2242. Derek Waters, RJ Belf, Gina Gratt, Brian Bishop, January of 2018.

Adam Carolla (18:05)

Good day, Gina Grad. Good day to you and bald Brian. Hi, Daddy. Derek Waters is our guest.

Derek Waters (18:12)

Hi.

Adam Carolla (18:12)

Hi. Hi. Drunk History, fifth season. Fifth Tuesday, January 23rd, 10pm on Comedy Central. People love this show. They're getting all, you're now at the point where it's nice, where you get the big names who want to come in there and do it. At first you started with, you know, your Dr. Drews of the world, bottom.

Derek Waters (18:29)

Of the barrel Seth rogen, seconds before Dr. Drew jab. I love it.

Adam Carolla (18:34)

I want to thank Simply Safe for sponsoring this half of the show. Go there@simplisafe.com Adam get 24. 7 protection only 15 bucks a month. Always great to see Derek. So we have, we're going to do some drunk walking, right? That's what we're calling it. That's where we have to sort of guess if the drunk guy has the answer or not.

Giovanni (18:54)

I think they're like history questions, too.

Adam Carolla (18:56)

Yes. It's an homage. It shows a little something called preparation and gumption, something your dad would have liked and probably mentioned many times.

Derek Waters (19:06)

Yes, he would have.

Adam Carolla (19:07)

We're talking off the air about swearing and we were talking about whether it was good or bad or funny or whatever. I've always found as a guy who, who've done like, you know, podcast and then done like Dancing with the Stars and all sorts of terrestrial radio and all sorts of cable TV versus being on Bill O'Reilly show versus being on late night shows or whatever that you have to adjust for every single format. And that's why it always bothered me when I did a show and they'd go the dance with stars. People always be like, you know, this is prime like, this is network. This is like. I know what they were saying. But you do that your whole career. You do it every day in life. When you think about your friends you're talking to versus your mom's friends.

Derek Waters (19:59)

Exactly.

Adam Carolla (20:00)

Right. Yeah.

Derek Waters (20:01)

You talk differently around people, you know, or when you know, people can. Other people can hear you.

Adam Carolla (20:05)

And you try to kind of get it to the level of where you'd like it to be, but not go past that level. It's different in front of your in laws.

Giovanni (20:14)

I was gonna say meeting your girlfriend's parents, boyfriend's parents, you know, it's a different situation.

Derek Waters (20:18)

But with those stories, you're either funny or you're not.

Adam Carolla (20:22)

I always thought it was like a greater challenge to try to be clean and funny.

Derek Waters (20:27)

Yeah. I grew up loving Sinbad and I don't know if it was because he didn't swear and that's all I was allowed to watch.

Gina Grad (20:33)

It was the windbreakers.

Derek Waters (20:35)

But I genuinely liked Sinbad.

Adam Carolla (20:36)

Hold on. Sinbad was known for wearing snowmobile apparel. Like he literally had like a bib overall down onesie. I saw him do a stand special, like a blue or purple. Like, I mean, it's stuff you'd use if you're a professional snowmobile rider. Like this. Not, not, not if it was just a weekend thing, but like a full time life.

Derek Waters (21:00)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (21:01)

What is. Let me ask you this, this controversial question, but you know, you see Sinbad back in the day, you, you fast forward to a lot of the. Yeah, look at a lot of the ra.

Gina Grad (21:14)

That's more of a street smart, street clothing.

Giovanni (21:16)

Yeah, that's nighttime Sinbad. That's going out.

Gina Grad (21:18)

Yeah, that's form.

Adam Carolla (21:20)

Seen a lot of brothers, a lot of rap artists and stuff on snl, for instance, out there wearing a lot of layers, you know, Timberland boots, lot of multi parkas, pointing at scene, you know, in a pretty controlled environment in terms of temperature.

Derek Waters (21:38)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (21:39)

Climate that feels like a weird fashion trend to dress like you're doing the Iditarod, except for you're indoors and you're under the lights. Like it just feels like it's a weird trend. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Derek Waters (21:52)

It used to be very starter jackets that you'd wear the starter jacket everywhere and that became, I think, cool to be like temperature doesn't bother me.

Adam Carolla (22:01)

Oh, maybe that's what you're saying.

Gina Grad (22:03)

I can raise and lower my core temperature at will.

Derek Waters (22:06)

Yeah, you may be cold, but I'm warm.

Adam Carolla (22:07)

Okay. I feel like there's. Let's see, there was p. Diddy. And then who's the guy who wrote the song where he gets to go, yeah, and the poor ginger guy has to do all the heavy lifting.

Gina Grad (22:21)

We watched it on. It was from snl.

Giovanni (22:24)

Was it? Oh, oh. Or think of the Wiz Khalifa song.

Adam Carolla (22:27)

Yeah.

Giovanni (22:27)

Oh, Wiz Khalifa from Fast and Furious.

Adam Carolla (22:29)

Feel like he was pretty layered up too, I can tell you this.

Derek Waters (22:32)

Studio, New York.

Adam Carolla (22:34)

Yeah, but they're in a studio. Hey, you pro. I don't know. Have you ever done Letterman?

Derek Waters (22:42)

I like that you thought about that was nice.

Adam Carolla (22:44)

I didn't want to assume that you didn't, but then I didn't want to assume that you did.

Derek Waters (22:48)

No, I wish I did, but no.

Adam Carolla (22:50)

I gotta tell you, as a guy who's a sweater, everyone telling me I did Letterman twice, everyone telling me how freezing it was in the studio. Words, music to my ears. I loved every second of it. Like, I'm always a big sweater and everyone's like, it's freezing in there. And I'm like, good, because I'm only going out there for nine minutes tops. And then I'll go back into my dressing room.

Derek Waters (23:14)

It makes me sweat. I sweat so bad. And I need a new deodorant. What deodorant do you use? Are you allowed to say.

Adam Carolla (23:19)

Yeah, a couple things.

Giovanni (23:21)

Oh, the. Nothing.

Adam Carolla (23:23)

Hold on. First things first. New Year's Resolution 2017, demand more from my deodorant. So now that I'm done with that rezzo, I'll give it to you, please. You demand more from your deodorant? No, you demand. So, all right, here's what I do. Here's my scent regimen. I like all the Tom's of Maine stuff. I like the toothpaste. I like the deodorant. I like all the natural stuff. Not cause I'm a health freak. It's just. It's weir that the crest. The worst for every. Here's the worst. Here's the ugliest of all the Americans, you know when they do the toothpaste and it has flavor crystals in it and then five power zones and like a gel spine. And they're explaining to you, this green stripe is for cleaning. The red stripe then comes in after the green stripe and cleans up the top of the ground. This one is an antifungal bacteria. And it's like, just give me some toothpaste. And it doesn't. I don't need all the crystals and all the stripes and what everything does. It's goo.

Gina Grad (24:24)

Little charcoal, little mint, right?

Adam Carolla (24:26)

And I don't need all the weird flavors and everything. Just go, Tom's a mane. Just go. Your kind of spearmint and just toothpaste flavored.

Gina Grad (24:32)

Extreme strawberry.

Adam Carolla (24:33)

Done. Yeah, I don't eat none of that. None of. Is that all for kids?

Gina Grad (24:37)

You'd think so, but you're starting to see it for adults now.

Adam Carolla (24:39)

Also, the deodorant that smells like deodorant, like, this is the power stroke. You know, it's the red zone Power stroke Sports scent by Menon. And it's like, it literally smells like. If you looked up deodorant in a dictionary and could sniff the page, it would smell like Red zone Power stroke. Whatever.

Giovanni (24:58)

Mountain ambush.

Adam Carolla (25:02)

Mountain Ambush. Red Zone Power stroke by Menon Angelette. And it's like you smell it and when you smell that guy, if you smell his deodorant, you realize, oh, I am smelling your armpits now. Absolutely. This is what. I can't mistake this for anything else. The best I found also. I don't know if you guys are with me, but I feel like the roll on is weird. Has anyone used a roll on anymore? No.

Gina Grad (25:26)

In, like middle school.

Adam Carolla (25:27)

It's the, like the.

Giovanni (25:28)

No, no, no.

Gina Grad (25:29)

Like ban Ban roll on.

Adam Carolla (25:30)

They used to have a roll on.

Giovanni (25:31)

Why don't they make that?

Derek Waters (25:32)

This is what I was told I have to use now, so I'm glad. I don't like this roll on.

Gina Grad (25:36)

Sticky and liquidy.

Allison Rosen (25:37)

It doesn't feel right.

Gina Grad (25:38)

No, it doesn't.

Giovanni (25:38)

You know what was a big thing in the 90s?

Adam Carolla (25:40)

I know.

Giovanni (25:40)

Because it was. I was the prime demo as a teenager. Gel.

Adam Carolla (25:43)

The gel. The gel. Weird. Weird. I don't. I don't like when you twist it. Very homoerotic. Like when you twist it.

Giovanni (25:51)

And why am I putting on antiperspirant? That makes the area wet.

Adam Carolla (25:54)

Yeah.

Giovanni (25:56)

The one thing I want to keep dry is making it wet.

Gina Grad (25:57)

But on the other side of the spectrum, when you said flavor crystals, everyone's like, oh, you just got to use this. Rub the crystal on your underarm.

Adam Carolla (26:05)

Here's my attack. I got like a three prong attack to scent. Okay. Not always used, by the way, that caveat first. Okay. But here's what every guy needs. You need some deodorant that is just basic. Tom's a mane. Just sort of regular or just whatever. Or you could get. Now people are gonna make fun of this, but get the baby powered sort of. Sure. Just the white stuff that just has like a baby powder scent to it. It's just a light scent. There's nothing Smells fresh or new or clean or something. Doesn't smell anything like deodorant. Do that, then have a can of the spray on. Baby powder. Sure. Again, have a can of the spray on. That's for hitting outside of the shirt. I actually did that today. I had a shirt at an undershirt that's a little funky town, and I don't know what to do with it. I just give it the shot. You just give it the shot from outside you.

Derek Waters (27:01)

That's basically leave a mark.

Gina Grad (27:03)

You get invisible spray.

Derek Waters (27:05)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (27:05)

Yeah, you get to spray. You get to spray for the quick hitter.

Derek Waters (27:08)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (27:09)

You get the. Again, just the regular, you know, Toms or whatever. Or. Or sure, whatever. Just a white baby powder, whatever. Plain for hitting the bare pits. And then you get some kind of spray cologne. Nothing over the top. Nothing too musky or anything like that. And occasionally, if your head starts smelling because you haven't taken a shower in a few days, you give it the shot and you kind of walk through it.

Derek Waters (27:34)

Wow.

Adam Carolla (27:35)

You don't blast it on the wrist or anything. Just give it to the. You weaponize it.

Derek Waters (27:39)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (27:39)

That's my move.

Derek Waters (27:40)

I like that.

Adam Carolla (27:41)

Wow. Yeah. And also, I'm dressing for success this year. That's my other dress.

Derek Waters (27:46)

You have a lot of mink coats on right now.

Adam Carolla (27:50)

I'm like a rapper.

Derek Waters (27:52)

I used to do two undershirts. Not like, just so I wouldn't have, like a sweat stain in high school. And then. But your. Your undershirts just covered in perspiration.

Adam Carolla (28:03)

Can I say this? We are way, way to we as a society. You know, you say you can't judge where everyone's not judging. But I gotta say, for things that are basically out of your control, let's say high school, your skin is kind of out of your control, like it's a genetic hand.

Derek Waters (28:24)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (28:24)

You get. Some people have beautiful skin and other people get acne or they get whatever they have scarring or they just circles under their eyes or puffiness under their eyes. And guys go bald when they're younger. Some guy, you know, you're sweating, everyone thinks it's like, oh, look at him, he's a nervous mess over there, or whatever. He must have committed a crime or something. Some people just genetically sweat under the arm. Some people's feet get sweaty. Some people don't sweat at all.

Gina Grad (28:51)

No, it's a reflection on what's going on.

Adam Carolla (28:53)

What's all the judgment going with so much judgment on what's going on with your hair or your skin or whatever. I'M not. I'm thinking about Trump and his. His medical workup. But Dr. Drew was just saying to me when they were, like, yelling, you know, how can you eat Kentucky Fried Chicken and be healthy? It's like, he's got a good genetic hand. Like, that's it. He doesn't have the disease that a lot of people have at age 70. And there's so much. So much of what we have is genetic. You just take height. Guys get penalized for height. Girls get penalized for having wide hips. All the things we can't control. Lot of penalization, a lot of judging, and then not so much on the stuff we can control. Oftentimes, like how we treat our kids, we don't. Can't judge. You know, it's like, that's a good. What is that? Why? Why? It's what lets us know we're animals. Because you see that kid, the thing.

Derek Waters (29:45)

That'S within your control. I'm better than you. You have, right?

Adam Carolla (29:48)

You're short, you're born shorter. Or you. Again, just take something like skin, right? Acne.

Derek Waters (29:53)

I. I took tetracycline in school. Like, was I, like, not washing my face? No, I was washing my face.

Adam Carolla (29:59)

Yeah, but. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. So we have to ascribe things to it. Like, you. You eat a lot of chocolate, though. I don't eat chocolate. You eat a lot of. What do you do? Take the Hershey stuff? Just squirt it straight up your ass or just put it in your mouth or. How much chocolate? Cause your skin. You ever look at pizza, you see that layer of grease on the top? Do you eat pizza?

Derek Waters (30:19)

Who doesn't?

Adam Carolla (30:19)

Hold on. Hold my pizza. I'm not done judging. You must eat a lot of pizza. That's why. See, I don't eat pizza. See, what I have, I have combination skin with the oily T zone, but I don't eat a lot of pizza. You must, because you're weak.

Derek Waters (30:33)

Yes, extremely. I'm also lactose intolerant.

Adam Carolla (30:37)

Okay. See, I'm not that.

Gina Grad (30:39)

You can feel your diet.

Derek Waters (30:40)

Go to your gluten free party. All right.

Bill Simmons (30:43)

That's the worst.

Derek Waters (30:43)

And also my favorite is when you say, like, something's wrong with you and you're with someone you just met, and they're like, well, this is what you need to do. That makes me so happy. Like, you don't know me. Don't tell me what I need to do.

Adam Carolla (30:55)

And how do they know?

Derek Waters (30:56)

How do they know you don't know me. You don't know what my body is.

Adam Carolla (31:00)

Did your parents talk to you? I got the conversation from my wife last night that maybe it was time to talk to my 11 year old son about his dingling and feelings that.

Derek Waters (31:15)

He might be having.

Giovanni (31:16)

Save for air.

Derek Waters (31:19)

And your wife hear something that. Or she's just looking at the clock and seeing that he's 11. Maybe you should talk about it. She witnessed something.

Adam Carolla (31:30)

Oh, no, I think they were like watching. They were like binge watching Stranger Things or something. And he was kind of next to her on the sofa kind of strumming his guitar a little bit. And I told her, you know guys, that's kind of a default setting. You know what I mean? Like, let's definitely make a. Draw a firm line in the sand between masturbating and just kind of think it. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Gina Grad (31:56)

It's like scratching your beard.

Adam Carolla (31:58)

You know when guys are jogging and you see them at a red light and they're just sort of in place. It's kind of that we're not sprinting, we're not going anywhere. We're just kind of holding patterns. It's keeping the dust off, you know, staying awake. Yeah, yeah, that's all.

Derek Waters (32:10)

This show's boring. You gotta fiddle the fat all every once.

Adam Carolla (32:13)

Right, right. But that's a kind of a. That's a little default setting for dudes.

Gina Grad (32:17)

Wait, so who's getting the talking to? Sonny or Lynette?

Adam Carolla (32:21)

Well, I had to give her the talking to.

Gina Grad (32:23)

Does Sonny also get a talking to?

Derek Waters (32:25)

But he should know not to fiddle it in front of, you know, the family.

Adam Carolla (32:29)

Here's a should know. It's true. If you are gonna do it though, do it in the comfort and safety of my own living room. It's not his, it's mine.

Derek Waters (32:37)

That's true.

Adam Carolla (32:38)

Oh, here's a quickie for everyone. I never thought about it. I then had to say to my wife that, you know, I didn't get started till high school. I was like in the 10th grade before I start.

Gina Grad (32:53)

It's hard when they all live in the same room.

Adam Carolla (32:54)

And I realized that's late. But now. Then I started to think, well, if I'm late, what's the average like, you know, on my schedule? I don't have to talk to the kid till the 10th grade. But where's everyone at? Give me a number.

Derek Waters (33:12)

There's a difference of like in high school there's a finished product when you know.

Adam Carolla (33:16)

But when you're younger than finished product.

Derek Waters (33:19)

Oh, well, I Just I remember being obsessed with. We had a pretty white trash neighborhood and everyone had an above ground pool. And me and my friends were really excited about the pool filter.

Adam Carolla (33:32)

That was like a thing for taking it in.

Derek Waters (33:35)

And every single time it came to it was my turn. The mom would always come out. I was always a sicko. Just lounging over top of the pool, smiling.

Adam Carolla (33:45)

Immediately start screaming, marco. Polo. She's like, derek, you're alive. You're alive.

Derek Waters (33:50)

I can't swim. No. I don't know. High school? Yeah. I mean when you like get to that age, like I feel like your.

Gina Grad (33:57)

Friends start to tell you what to do.

Adam Carolla (33:59)

Then yes, it's true. What My friends were sickened that I didn't master. Yeah.

Derek Waters (34:05)

When it became not disgusting when like me like I did that and not like dude, you touch yourself, right? Oh, you want to feel good.

Adam Carolla (34:13)

So Dawson, Max, Pat up. Like I need an age here. I got to talk to this. I know this answer because we moved when I was in eighth grade.

Giovanni (34:22)

December 12th.

Adam Carolla (34:23)

It was before that. It's end of sixth grade. Okay, 12 and a half. No, man, Sonny's in the sixth grade. Oh boy. That's bad news for me. All right. When should I expect him to start smoking? Two packs a day, 15 minutes afterwards. Hey, maybe there's a correlation. Max. Pata. I was a healthy 13, thank you. 13. Stayed. Stayed home. I was sick, but I was old enough to not need a babysitter. Got to know myself 13. Brian.

Giovanni (34:57)

Age, I suspect. I have vague memories of as early as fifth grade. But I know for a fact it was at least by sixth grade.

Gina Grad (35:04)

Wow, you're on the cusp.

Adam Carolla (35:05)

Oh boy. You're there. Oh boy. I'm on the clock for the next.

Giovanni (35:08)

Maybe somewhere between 5th and 6th.

Adam Carolla (35:10)

Jesus.

Giovanni (35:11)

So. But yeah, right around that area where.

Adam Carolla (35:13)

He actually were producing a product with.

Giovanni (35:16)

A purpose, as they say.

Adam Carolla (35:17)

Wow. I gotta get moving. Sixth grade. By the way, how no one ever.

Giovanni (35:20)

Bald in sixth grade. So testosterone going.

Adam Carolla (35:22)

No one ever talked to us about anything, right? No.

Derek Waters (35:25)

No.

Adam Carolla (35:26)

Did you Chris, do an informal poll of those guys polls. And find out when everyone else started because this is starting to worry me now. The sixth grade talk. Derek, where were you? I know you're playing it a little close to the.

Derek Waters (35:40)

What's that?

Adam Carolla (35:41)

Boxer briefs here. But come on, let's. Let's have a number.

Derek Waters (35:44)

I would say I remember the first time that happened. I would say 16. 16 as in a finished product.

Adam Carolla (35:51)

Yeah, I know that. That's what happened. That's where I was.

Derek Waters (35:53)

I was old yeah, because I didn't know what was happening. No, sorry. I was in seventh grade.

Adam Carolla (35:59)

I just remembered major drop off.

Derek Waters (36:01)

I remembered the sock. That's the part that I remember. And it really messed me up because I remember I loved baseball. Still do. And even though I'm from Baltimore, some reason my parents gave me a Don Mattingly poster and that. And I realized, like, that's what you were staring at. I wasn't staring at him, but that was like the first thing I saw.

Giovanni (36:20)

It was in the party.

Gina Grad (36:23)

You cannot get aroused now without his hand.

Giovanni (36:25)

Judgmentally.

Derek Waters (36:26)

I went somewhere. I like baseball cards. And I was at a baseball card shop and the guy had that exact poster and it really freaked me out.

Adam Carolla (36:33)

Oh yeah, it brought you back to the shot. Yeah.

Derek Waters (36:35)

Just a little kick.

Adam Carolla (36:36)

Yeah.

Derek Waters (36:37)

Did you ever get busted.

Gina Grad (36:40)

At your friend's house?

Adam Carolla (36:41)

Right. Oh, wait, what was the friend's house?

Gina Grad (36:45)

Didn't you get caught with a magazine?

Adam Carolla (36:46)

Well, that was. No, that was an insane story. That was me sleeping over at Ray's apartment, his parents apartment. And for some reason I was sleeping. I was sleeping on the floor. I was always like, to me, if you had wall to wall carpet, like I grew up in a real trashy house. It was a real beater. And wall to wall carpet was kind of a big deal. And these guys, my friends who had apartments all had wall to wall carpet. It was kind of cool. And sleeping on the floor was cool for me if you had wall to wall carpet. So I was just on the floor and Ray had a magazine. This is back when you knew, like which friends. Like this friend has electronic Battleship and this friend has an Atari and this friend has a mini bike. Like you had your friends separated by what?

Giovanni (37:36)

They had this one on Sega Genesis.

Adam Carolla (37:38)

Later on it became porn. Like, hey, this guy's got this porn. Ray had a magazine called Frisky. Like a total 50s, like back when chicks had huge areolas and big like swinging banana tit. And they'd be like. There'd be a picture of them like fixing you a cocktail with a beehive hairdo. But they were topless where they were like their grandma's underpants.

Gina Grad (37:59)

Like the white out lipstick.

Adam Carolla (38:00)

Yeah, no, just these pendulums kind of like they weren't the fake ones and they weren't the waif models. They were like these weird kind of weird kind of 50s 60s boobs, you know. And he had this magazine called Frisky. And I was like, oh yeah, hey, that's me. He had like a babysitting gig or something. In the apartment above us. And I was like, I'm gonna go. I'm tired. I'm gonna go retire. But of course, I was grabbing Frisky.

Derek Waters (38:29)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (38:29)

And I had the bed sort of blanket on the floor and the pill on the floor. And maybe a sheet on the ground was laying on that. Oh, we're looking at Frisky exactly as you described her.

Derek Waters (38:40)

Wow.

Adam Carolla (38:40)

Well, there was quite a few. Quite a few episodes. Quite a few.

Giovanni (38:43)

It's Adam's rosebud issues. He's gotta get the.

Adam Carolla (38:47)

By the way, imagine.

Giovanni (38:50)

You gotta get that issue back.

Adam Carolla (38:52)

Imagine it. We gotta get the Don Mattingly poster. And that episode of Frisk. That issue of Frisky. I love it, too. Like, I'd love to be able to explain. This is part of the discussion I'm gonna have with my son. Eight pages of sizzling color. Like, you have 700 million hours of anal porn on your phone. And I had eight pages in color.

Gina Grad (39:14)

And at the bottom, why does it say Irish she publican, and Brenda in need?

Adam Carolla (39:20)

I have no. We gotta crack that thing open. We can probably find the episode or the episode. The issue. Issue of Frisky. Anyway, Ray had an issue of Frisky. I was like, oh, man, this is the greatest day of my life. And I was just looking at it. Cause before. Before any of the masturbation kicks in, you just stare. You just can't stare at it. I was just, like, staring at it. And when I was staring at it and Ray's mom, God rest her soul, Irene was like, I had em. And she, like, came and I threw it under the blanket. And she's like, oh, look at you there on the floor. Come on, let's get you up. Let's get your bed made. Let's do it properly. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm good. I'm good. And I, like. I have the magazine, like, under the blanket. I'm, like, kind of cradling it. I'm like, no, no, I'm fine. I live in a barn with horrible parents who don't care. This.

Giovanni (40:16)

You're like spud and Trainspotting me onto the sheets.

Adam Carolla (40:19)

Yes. So she's like, oh. She's like, I won't have it. I won't have it. Get up. No one's gonna come sleep over at my house and sleep on the floor. And I'm like, well, I am. Let's fuck that trend. I'll be the first. And she's like, no, not on my watch. Like, I'm not gonna have someone sleep on the floor. And she's like, get up. And I'm like, I'm good. And she's, like, grabbing the blanket, like, trying to pull it from me. And I'm, like, holding. Pinching it under my arm with this frisky magazine going, I'm fine. Yeah. Because I couldn't think of anything more embarrassing than this magazine falling out.

Derek Waters (40:52)

But also standing up with a boner.

Adam Carolla (40:54)

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So we're arguing. We're fighting over the blanket. By the way, I have a lot of this in my life where it's like, you guys know, like, where someone goes. Like, you talk to the person. You go, I'm not gonna come out to Chet's party this Saturday. I'm just got. Got too much on my plate. And then that person goes, chet's gonna really be bummed out. And then you go, I don't even know Chet that well. And they're like, I feel like Chet would feel pretty bad. And you're like, I feel like he'd be all fine. And I told him. I already emailed him. Yeah, Chet's not. And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can't you just go find. Move. Can't you just get on with your goddamn life? Like, you're missing out.

Derek Waters (41:35)

They don't want to go alone. You gotta delete that friend.

Adam Carolla (41:37)

The third time, I told Irene Oldhofer, I'm cool on the floor. Like, okay, fine. Like, I would have just left. Like, I sleep on the. Maybe you got a bad back. But she was like, no, no. So. So, like, we stood up, and I was, like, still holding the blanket in the frisky magazine. And she's like, give me the blanket. I'm like, I got the blanket. Just go ahead and make the bed up. Get the mattress out or whatever. And she's, like, doing it, and she's pulling on her blanket again, and I'm like, okay. Like, this is the only time I'm an atheist. The only time I ever really believed in God is when I went, like, take the blanket. And she, like, took the blanket in slow motion and, like, spread it out in such a way where the magazine just stayed under the blanket the whole time. Like, it never popped out or hit the ground or whatever. And she made it. And she, like, stood there, and she went, like, there, isn't that better? And I was like, yes, yes, it's a miracle. And you're in the miracle, right? And the next. And then Ray got back, and I was like, oh, my God. You can't believe what happened. Your mom came in here. I had the Frisky magazine, pulled the thing apart. It was epic. But she never saw the magazine. She never saw it. It was. It was an. It was a miracle, I tell you, A miracle. And then the next day, breakfast. His mom was making his pancakes. He's like, hey, Mom. Like, she's like, yeah, hey, you know a Frisky magazine? Yeah. Adam had it under the COVID the whole time. That's why he was arguing with you. And I was like.

Gina Grad (43:04)

It could go no other way.

Adam Carolla (43:06)

No, it could go no other way. Other way than that. All right. Do we get a number? Chris? Sorry. Yep. And one of the weirder uses of a buck slip. I went around Kaylin. He was 11 or 12. Oh, boy. Dylan was 15.

Giovanni (43:21)

Makes sense.

Adam Carolla (43:25)

Matt Fondelier, secret of Pleasure, starting at age 12. And Gary was 11 or 12. In the pod, in first class. Or is this on terra firma? Yeah, this might have been on this in Orange county or globetrotting with this international playbo professional call her dad.

Derek Waters (43:42)

But in the poll, was anyone, like, in a household that, like, talked about masturbation being okay?

Adam Carolla (43:48)

Oh, no, you ain't met these guys.

Derek Waters (43:50)

I don't want to have a mom and dad that do that.

Adam Carolla (43:52)

Did you. Did your. I agree, too. Like, a lot of people are like.

Derek Waters (43:56)

You gotta figure it out.

Adam Carolla (43:57)

There's a whole group. There's a group of people. There's two groups where they go like, oh, my God. If you talk to most people whose parents spanked them now, people go like, oh, my God. You don't put your hands on your kids. If you talk to the kids, they'll go, oh, no, I deserved it. Yeah. Like, I needed it. Every time I should have been spanked. I deserved it. It's fine. They'll do that. And if you talk to most adults, they're like, you know, you really have to talk to your kids about the sexuality and about the changes and what's going on. And if you talk to. It's the only time I'm glad my dad was, like, lukewarm on his shoulder, like, thank you, dad. You never gave me money, never paid for college. You never bought me a car. We never talked about anything. Thank you for this one aspect of you not communicating with me, which is we never had to have this weird conversation. But as a good parent, I must have the weird conversation.

Giovanni (44:42)

It's the one area I'm okay with, the big government. Because at least for me, I'm sure for a lot of Us. There was health class schools. I'm totally okay with Mrs. White or whoever.

Adam Carolla (44:52)

Ms. Komisar. Get that banana on. Put the kahnama on with your mouth. Go ahead.

Derek Waters (44:57)

Caphammer had, like, a light outlet. Standing in front of the class, he said, this is a man and this is a woman. And then plugged in the light. I remember that just being the coolest thing.

Gina Grad (45:09)

Wow, she glows when you put it in.

Adam Carolla (45:11)

Yeah. Yeah.

Derek Waters (45:11)

You want to make her light up.

Adam Carolla (45:12)

Yeah. But three pronger. I feel like I got a ground.

Derek Waters (45:15)

The closest I ever got to, like, a sex talk was my high school girlfriend and my family. We were going to Cleveland, Ohio, to see the opening of Rock and Roll hall of Fame, not to date myself. And she had a real crazy mom. Everybody, that was. But she called me, and she's like, hey, just so you know, my mom's on her way over to tell your parents that we're having sex.

Giovanni (45:37)

Oh, God.

Derek Waters (45:38)

You know, my parents thought I was gonna wait till I was, you know, married, you know? And so I was like, do I let this wicked witch of the east, like, do it, or should I? And so I went downstairs and I told my mom, and I started with this, mom, you know how I'm getting married, right?

Adam Carolla (45:53)

Yeah. Smart, smart, smart.

Derek Waters (45:55)

And she's like, yeah, yeah. I was like, so we, like, have had. I've had sex with other people. She's had sex with other people, but we, like, lost her virginity with, like, two people. Love. She's like, have you told your father? And I said, not yet. And then I go. And I remember, like, Monday Night Football's playing. He's like a beautiful fat man, like, eating his chips. You know, after 40 hours working that day, I'm about to ruin his dreams. And, hey, dad, Mom's coming over because she found out we're having sex, and she just wants to talk about it before the trip. He opens his eyes and just goes, is she pregnant? And I said, now. He goes, okay.

Adam Carolla (46:26)

That was as close as a way.

Gina Grad (46:28)

To get out ahead of that.

Adam Carolla (46:30)

Now, my grandmother would tell. My grandmother would make comments like, she saw me once, and she said, you have hair on your legs now. That means you can have babies. She also asked very old world if anyone at the table, well, I'll bring it back to New world. She wanted to know if anyone at the table knew what a rim job was.

Derek Waters (46:48)

I know.

Adam Carolla (46:49)

And do you want to find out? One of the more intrusive things she said. Said, after being married to my grandfather for 50 years after he died, she was really in a funk for a number of years. And I went to her house and I said, like, how you doing? And she said, you know, I can't stop thinking about, you know, your grandfather. Everywhere I look, everywhere. They live in a small house in North Hollywood. I open the door, the closet door. I see his overcoat hanging in there. I go into the den, I see his typewriter there. There in his study. I go in the bathroom, open the cupboard, I see the water soluble lube. I swear to God, she said that to me. I was like, couldn't. It just stopped at the typewriter or the oversized print dictionary. Had to go for the lube. Had to go for the lube.

Derek Waters (47:36)

The lube the worst.

Adam Carolla (47:38)

Not the museum, not the lube, not the luge. Had to end it with the water lube. Not water lube. Not in France water lube. This was my water lube. Yeah. Abba.

Gina Grad (47:55)

Oh, my God. And you knew she was serious because she knew it was water soluble.

Adam Carolla (47:58)

She taught to talk to. There it is.

Derek Waters (48:01)

There it is. Waddlebag.

Adam Carolla (48:05)

One of their best vajean. My grandma's is dry and thus she needs lubrication for grandpa. And now he's going to violate her on a brass bed. That I remember as a lad. Yeah, I think he may have had some fun with dad on there as well. Waterloo, couldn't let grandpa without it on Sing Along. Waterloo gonna embarrass the hell on my grandson. Waterloo. Couldn't have stopped at the goddamn typewriter. Waterloo. Telling your boy so you kill yourself. Oh, not whack it again. Waterloo, you'll never whack off at Ray's mom's apartment. All right. Waterloo, Waterloo.

Giovanni (49:05)

That better make an appearance on the ACE Awards, that is.

Gina Grad (49:08)

That'll be a standalone category.

Adam Carolla (49:10)

Water lube. All right, where. Where were we? We waters here. Waters what? Drunk history. So we're gonna play our game, right? We're gonna play drunk walking. So Dylan went to a bar. Yeah, he went to Idle Hour in North Hollywood.

Derek Waters (49:28)

Great bar.

Adam Carolla (49:29)

Yeah. Quite a watering hole. Yes, nice. Wait, where is that? I'm from North Holland.

Gina Grad (49:34)

Is that the one that looks like a barrel?

Derek Waters (49:35)

Violin and chicks place corn.

Adam Carolla (49:37)

Oh, that one. Yeah. It's like a barrel, I think.

Gina Grad (49:40)

Yeah. My friend's a bartender. She's the manager there.

Adam Carolla (49:42)

Yeah, by the Odyssey. The big Odyssey that has, like, big layers. Like, we have Kim Kardashian sex tape on sale. Like, weird. That place used to just sell and rent, like, regular VHS tapes.

Giovanni (49:57)

And then in the back, they had.

Derek Waters (49:59)

A huge porn section. I remember first Moving out here. Me and my friend would go there and buy stuff together, and then we would trade it, which. Now, that sounds. That's a skill. It is, but it's good enough to the same stuff. It's weird.

Adam Carolla (50:12)

Yeah, I'm not into that. I had Price Effective. I've had a few trading sessions.

Derek Waters (50:16)

Trading sessions.

Adam Carolla (50:17)

I had a friend who worked at Dale's Jr. And they had a nice section of magazine, so he was lousy with porn. And I'd come over mine every once in a while, but I got it. Need it. Don't worry.

Derek Waters (50:28)

I used to work at Tower Video, and there was a porn section. And the only reason I know that this porn existed was someone renting it. And it was called 87 and still banging.

Adam Carolla (50:42)

Yeah, there was one. Yeah. All right, let's. Let's do a little drunk. Let's do a little drunk walking. Here we go. Drunk walking. Ace wants to know if you know things that non drunkards should know. You're alcoholics. It's time for drunk walking. Cause you are drunk. All right, so Dylan went. He asked questions. He. Stick with the history theme. Yeah. Because that's what we're doing.

Giovanni (51:20)

Whether or not this particular drunk who's answering the question knows.

Derek Waters (51:23)

We're gonna guess yes or no. Okay.

Adam Carolla (51:25)

All right. Right. So our first. Our first contestant is Alex. He's 25 years old. Old. I went to Orange Coast College. Wow, she looks great. She. She's a personal assistant, and she's learning visual effects makeup. Here's her question. What event started World War I? Yeah, well, there was.

Gina Grad (51:50)

That's all I know about What's.

Adam Carolla (51:52)

Yeah, there's Ferdinand and then Archduke. Archduke. And then what about. What was the sinking of the Lusitania? That's what got the US Involved. Oh, okay. All right. Well, that makes me even more. Right. All right. No, no. Women don't know anything about war. This.

Derek Waters (52:10)

Oh, no, come on now.

Adam Carolla (52:11)

This. Dude, no. They're not war. They're not war people.

Derek Waters (52:13)

Yeah.

Gina Grad (52:13)

Look at her as. She seems savvy.

Derek Waters (52:15)

Yeah, she seems very subtle.

Adam Carolla (52:17)

Very quiet.

Derek Waters (52:18)

Very quiet.

Adam Carolla (52:19)

I say no, Derek.

Derek Waters (52:20)

No way.

Adam Carolla (52:21)

Gina Gray.

Gina Grad (52:21)

Yes.

Giovanni (52:23)

It's so out there. What's that.

Adam Carolla (52:27)

Popular band Franz Ferdinand hit in the later 90s? Lots of who's that? And people kind of going back and checking it out. That's our only. That's our only chance at this.

Giovanni (52:41)

It's so out there. I'm gonna say yes.

H (52:43)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (52:44)

What event started World War I? Was it the bombing of Pearl Harbor?

Gina Grad (52:48)

Damn it.

Adam Carolla (52:50)

That's my lady.

Giovanni (52:51)

I Should have done where this is going. I should have known.

Adam Carolla (52:54)

We tried.

Derek Waters (52:55)

It was cute that she was. She. She responded with a question or an actual event thing.

Adam Carolla (53:01)

Yeah. Okay. This is Monica. She's 38. She went to college in Budapest, Hungary. Nice. And she's a personal trainer. Nice. Which country gave. Which country gave the United States the Statue of Liberty?

Derek Waters (53:15)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (53:15)

Now let me ask this. We asked Dylan about this. This. She's a personal trainer. We're looking at her. She's beautiful. She looks fit. She has a cocktail and we're shooting her outside, which means she's smoking.

Gina Grad (53:25)

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Giovanni (53:26)

She went to Budapest. She's probably European.

Adam Carolla (53:29)

So she's drinking and smoking, but she's a personal trainer. Because I'm imagining if we shoot you outside and you're holding your. Any pictures of anyone holding their drink outside means they went out to smoke.

Gina Grad (53:39)

Yeah. The smoking porch. Yeah, of course.

Adam Carolla (53:41)

I'm not judging. That's a good. It's ironic that she's a personal trainer.

Derek Waters (53:44)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (53:44)

Okay, now who gave us the Statue of Liberty? Right. France. Right. But the rub here, she's Hungarian.

Derek Waters (53:54)

I think she knows. We wouldn't have gotten this picture outside if she said no. That's where I'm thinking. I think the nose were shot inside. Oh, okay.

Adam Carolla (54:05)

Interesting pattern. Gina. Grass. That is a.

Gina Grad (54:08)

But sometimes the Europeans are more worldly than us ugly Americans, so they know more. So I'm going to say she does know.

Adam Carolla (54:17)

Okay.

Derek Waters (54:18)

My personal assistant's always drunk.

Adam Carolla (54:20)

I'm gonna say she's a trainer.

Derek Waters (54:24)

Oh, right. Yeah.

Adam Carolla (54:24)

The other one is assistant. I'm gonna say she knows as well. Brian.

Giovanni (54:27)

I was go off the board trying to catch up. Say she does not know. We got a funny answer here.

Derek Waters (54:31)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (54:32)

Which country gave the United States the Statue of Liberty? France.

Derek Waters (54:37)

Yay.

Adam Carolla (54:38)

That's my lady.

Derek Waters (54:39)

I want her to be my trainer.

Adam Carolla (54:41)

I want the other one to be my assistant.

Derek Waters (54:43)

She just blows smoke in my face while I'm doing push ups.

Allison Rosen (54:46)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (54:48)

This is Tim. He's 27, went to Rowan University. He's freelancing in the entertainment industry.

Derek Waters (54:57)

Sorry, I didn't hear the last part. Sorry.

Adam Carolla (54:59)

He's freelancing in the entertainment industry. Okay.

Gina Grad (55:02)

He's a lumber unemployed.

Adam Carolla (55:03)

Yeah. Which two cities did the U.S. drop atomic bombs on during World War II?

Gina Grad (55:11)

Does he know Hiroshima?

Adam Carolla (55:13)

Not. Or the super blowhardy Hiroshima. I love when they're like 47 years of Hiroshima. Now you gotta change this somehow. Didn't work. People didn't recognize. People are confused. Like what? Where? Who?

Giovanni (55:27)

We got a third Bomb.

Adam Carolla (55:28)

Yes. And we get it. You're smarter than we are because you pronounce things differently. We get it. It's such a blowhardy move.

Derek Waters (55:36)

All right, I'm gonna say yes. I think this guy reads.

Gina Grad (55:40)

I don't think he knows both the cities. I'm gonna say no.

Giovanni (55:44)

He'll name them both. Yes.

Adam Carolla (55:46)

Getting back to my musical references, there was a hit song from the 80s called Enola Gay. Dawson, you remember? Does that sound familiar? Sound familiar? Wow. Of course. The Nola Gay. Name of the airplane that dropped the atomic bombs. And NOLA was the name of the mob, I believe, of the pilot. And it's like, omd. Yeah.

Derek Waters (56:12)

I'm impressed. I never heard that.

Adam Carolla (56:15)

Yeah, you might. You might not. You might know the song. Yeah, it holds up. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like it was from 2000. I don't know, 17. Yeah. 16.

Giovanni (56:27)

December. Late 16.

Adam Carolla (56:28)

Now, you may not. You may know the song, and you may not know notes about the plane.

Derek Waters (56:36)

It sounds exciting.

Gina Grad (56:37)

It sounds like the safety dance.

Adam Carolla (56:39)

It's good bombing music. Oh, my God. Waterloo. Does everyone know this or.

Derek Waters (56:52)

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Adam Carolla (56:54)

Right out of the gate. They also had the B side, which was Amelia Earhart's plane.

Derek Waters (57:10)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (57:13)

Now, Dawson, you know this song? I am familiar with the name of the song. If you had played it for me, I would have said, I have no idea. So you had to grow up here and have Kroc for this song to be familiar to you?

Giovanni (57:29)

Amazingly, Spotify lists this as their most popular song.

Adam Carolla (57:33)

What was out here was on Kroc. What is. What year is this? 80.

Giovanni (57:38)

This is the only other one I know from OMV.

Derek Waters (57:40)

Well, if you leave, don't.

Gina Grad (57:42)

This is Pretty in Pink right here.

Adam Carolla (57:43)

Yeah, it's about my grandma's vagine when it was not properly lubricant. No. All right, so I'm the only one with the Enola Gay song.

Gina Grad (57:55)

Yeah, it's all you.

Adam Carolla (57:57)

But Franz Ferdinand, we're all on board with. All right, so this guy's a dude. Dudes know more about war, but he's a young dude.

Gina Grad (58:07)

And he's pretty and he's pretty.

Adam Carolla (58:10)

Pretty people are dumb.

Gina Grad (58:11)

Yeah, except for me.

Adam Carolla (58:14)

So we say what again, Derek?

Derek Waters (58:17)

I'm gonna say yes. He likes to read.

Gina Grad (58:19)

I don't think he knows both.

Allison Rosen (58:20)

I'm saying.

Adam Carolla (58:21)

Okay, saying it gets one.

Gina Grad (58:22)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (58:23)

Brian.

Giovanni (58:25)

I'm playing from behind. So I'm going to say he went to college in New Jersey at a small school, Rowan. I just looked it up. So I'm going to say I'm going to say, yeah, he knows. He knows.

Adam Carolla (58:36)

I'm going to say he knows as well. Which two cities did the US drop atomic bombs on during World War II? Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Gina Grad (58:46)

Damn it.

Giovanni (58:46)

Nope, it's actually Hiroshima. Hiroshima, Right.

Adam Carolla (58:50)

All right, what's the score? Derek and Adam are tied. Three each. Gene and Brian are tied at one. All right, well, let's just have this be the tiebreaker between Derek and myself. Sorry, guys.

Derek Waters (59:00)

All right.

Adam Carolla (59:01)

Okay. This guy is 40. His name is Aton. He went to university in the Philippines, and he works with developmentally disabled children.

Derek Waters (59:10)

Good for him.

Adam Carolla (59:10)

And the thing I like about this guy, he's got a pet blue ribbon, tall boy in one hand and Tumblr in the other, like, so he's two fists in it, which I like.

Derek Waters (59:20)

His job stresses him out.

Adam Carolla (59:22)

Yeah, I respect that. Name the two opposing sides of the Civil War.

Derek Waters (59:28)

Oh, now, come on.

Adam Carolla (59:29)

Wait, is that.

Derek Waters (59:29)

Is that really a tiebreaker?

Gina Grad (59:31)

And specifically, are we looking for the Union and the Confederacy, or are we talking about north and South?

Giovanni (59:36)

Will we?

Derek Waters (59:36)

Okay, we should.

Adam Carolla (59:38)

Oh, Why? I think Dylan won't accept North. He wouldn't have asked. Confederacy. Union and Confederacy is the only. That's only accepted. I'll let you go, Derek.

Derek Waters (59:51)

My instinct says he'll say north and south, so.

Adam Carolla (59:53)

And not Union and Confederacy.

Derek Waters (59:55)

I guess that means no.

Adam Carolla (59:57)

And he's from the Philippines.

Gina Grad (59:59)

That's where he went to school.

Adam Carolla (60:00)

Well, but he looks Filipino. Shifty, but he's not a nerd. But he kind of is. Right? All right, so you say he's going to say north and south, but when pressed, we're not going to get Union in Confederates.

Derek Waters (60:12)

Yeah, I don't think so.

Adam Carolla (60:12)

All right, so Derek says no. I say yes. Name the two opposing sides of the Civil War. The north and the South.

Derek Waters (60:21)

Yeah, baby.

Adam Carolla (60:22)

Oh, the Confederates and the North. Yankees. Yeah. Brewers, you idiot. All right, that's a big win for you. And who would know better than Derek Waters? Thank you. Everyone's.

Giovanni (60:39)

All right. Coming up next, we have Adam Criller Show 1345. The Great Ian Edwards, along with Allison Rose and Brian bishop, is an ACE Award nominee from 2014.

Allison Rosen (60:52)

So a substance abuse abuse counselor was sentenced to 55 years to life in prison for hitting a pedestrian with her car and then driving through an LA suburb with the man dying on her windshield. There's so much to enjoy about this sad story, namely being that she was a substance abuse counselor.

Adam Carolla (61:10)

Was that the person we heard about a year ago or something? I mean, wasn't there this story where somebody's driving around with someone on their windshield.

Allison Rosen (61:18)

It happened in November of 2012, so you probably did hear about it. Yeah, but she was just sentenced.

Adam Carolla (61:26)

If that happened to you, would you go for the wiper spray at some point?

Allison Rosen (61:30)

It's so rude to the other motorists if you do it though.

Adam Carolla (61:33)

It's true. Because she always shoots over the body and onto the windshield behind you.

Allison Rosen (61:37)

Something which I never realized. I used to just do that willy nilly until I started hearing people bitch about it. And I was like, oh, am I being super rude by doing that?

Adam Carolla (61:46)

If it's done at freeway speeds, it tends to carry at least 80 or 100ft. When the car's behind you going the same speed, it always gets on you.

Giovanni (61:56)

There's a nice in between tension too. You can try and get where it just sprays your windshield.

Allison Rosen (62:00)

So her blood alcohol was nearly twice the legal limit and she drove two miles through Torrance before other motorists swarmed her her car at a traffic light and kept her there until police arrived. And the man she hit, 31 year old Philip Moreno, was taken to a hospital where he died.

H (62:15)

Those are some brave motorists. Like she's already got a man on her hood and they like jump in front of a car. Like, don't you see she doesn't give a fuck. She's sitting on the hood of the car.

Adam Carolla (62:25)

I could hear the argument. Maybe she got it out of her system. Yes, it really, it really is true. Like she is saying, do not get in front of this fucking Buick.

H (62:36)

This is the last guy that to tries try to get me to stop when I had the last guy before him on my hoodie.

Adam Carolla (62:41)

Right. This isn't the first guy I've had on my windshield tonight. There were another group of irate motorists who surround me. This is one of them.

H (62:48)

Yeah, yeah.

Allison Rosen (62:49)

She was a drug addict before she became a drug and alcohol counselor. And she said that she wasn't. This was her. She contended that she wasn't drunk that night. She claimed she was self medicating while waiting for knee replacement surgery and had consumed three single servants bottles of vodka and a can of Budweiser and a Clamato before starting to drive.

Adam Carolla (63:10)

See, when I hear clamado, I think guilty clamado. Well, you say. I just. That's the part I'm all right with the booze and the windshield. It's the Clamato.

Allison Rosen (63:21)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (63:22)

She's got to be locked up for that.

Allison Rosen (63:23)

She was very apologetic and remorseful in court.

Adam Carolla (63:27)

That's good. And what the guy. How do you stay on a windshield for that?

Allison Rosen (63:33)

She must not have been going that fast. Or he must have been impaled. I don't.

Adam Carolla (63:39)

Every single time in every movie when somebody gets hit by a car and then rolls off, they always roll off, and they roll on the ground, and then they cover their face real quick with their. With their other arm. It's because it's the stuntman and they don't want to show. They always lay in a way that has their elbow co over their face. Like, they land on. They roll and they land on the face and do a weird face cover thing. Like chicks with really bad teeth who laugh. Who hold their hand in front of their mouth when they laugh. But. All right, now what do you want to do with her? Because there's a part of me that's like, I don't know. She gonna do it again? Her knee's fucked up.

H (64:17)

I think you're getting caught up in the way she's dressed in court. I don't think that's her. If you saw her in her regular clothes, you. You'd be like, put her away. But this is like a respectable mom. Like, I don't know who her lawyer was, but they did tell her at least to dress sympathetically.

Adam Carolla (64:33)

Yeah, she's got a pink wheelchair, which I think I'm responding to. Or at least it's gotten pink trim.

H (64:39)

Yeah, it looks like she was on the hood of her own car with the wheelchair. Like, you feel something for her.

Adam Carolla (64:45)

I just came up with an invention. It's kind of a dickie for chairs, you know, it's not like. Not like a full turtleneck. The top of every chair. Chair you have should just have grips and handle like Bill. So every picture you take sitting down goes, oh, he's confined to a wheelchair. Every picture. You get a lot of sympathy that way. You know what I mean? And, you know, you don't want to drag around a bulky wheelchair everywhere. But the little aluminum handle anodized with the grips on there. All you need is the top six inches. They just clip onto any seat, you know, slide in, clamped on. You know, probably getting some extra sympathy at work, you know, hey, boss, I gotta leave early. You know, the chair and all. And then you walk out to your car.

Giovanni (65:26)

You don't like it, you slap man gray on the back of that. We sell that shit.

Adam Carolla (65:29)

We sell that shit. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (65:32)

So the judge did say that Ms. Wilkins is not what we normally see. She's not a classic violent criminal. But you have to evaluate her history she had an insatiable desire to become intoxicated.

Adam Carolla (65:42)

Uh huh.

Allison Rosen (65:43)

All right, so I don't know. I mean, she will sit in jail for prison for a really long time.

Adam Carolla (65:47)

I. Anyway, it's weird. See, for me, everything is motivation. When I see that somebody, you know, stalked somebody, waited for them, sprung out and stabbed them 28 times or something, I'm like, fucking put that guy to death when somebody did something. Same either way. We've got a corpse on our hands in this case. One's intentional and one's not intentional. And that's everything to me. And I know I'd make a horrible judge for that reason. But it's like people that do shit by mistake and probably feel worse about it than you could ever make them feel by sitting in jail.

Allison Rosen (66:28)

I think the part that really bothered the jurors was that she kept. She, you know, did a hit and run and kept driving with him on the hood. And then also her lawyer thinks that because. Because she was a counselor, she was held to a higher standard that like, the jurors couldn't really see the evidence because it was so emotionally charged.

H (66:51)

I want to know. Sometimes it's just a sentencing. Like, he was on the hood of the car and that's almost like impossible. But nobody's questioning. Like, when you read the story, you say, all right, she drove with a guy in the hood of her car. But it's not even possible for you to really be on the hood of a car for two months.

Adam Carolla (67:10)

I don't know. Like, is it just like every once you ever have this experience?

Allison Rosen (67:15)

It used to have dying man on her windshield.

Adam Carolla (67:17)

When I had a truck every blue moon. Every once in a while I would set a coffee mug down on like my step bumper, my pickup truck, and then like drive to work and then get out of the car and go, the fucking mug is still there. Or like every once while you put some on the roof of your car and it's magically. You're not driving to Florida, but you drive like a couple miles, it's like still there. I think you could do that with the body.

Giovanni (67:38)

One way to find out.

Adam Carolla (67:39)

That's true. All right.

Allison Rosen (67:42)

Or was she going so fast that he was stuck to the windshield?

H (67:44)

Oh, he was taking him to the hospital.

Adam Carolla (67:46)

Every. That's what I would say.

H (67:48)

Take him to the hospital.

Adam Carolla (67:49)

Every single drug counselor was an ex junkie and like drugs.

Allison Rosen (67:56)

Except for Drew. That's the crazy thing.

Adam Carolla (67:58)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (67:59)

Never had an addiction problem doing drugs.

H (68:01)

Doing drugs is like college for drug counselors.

Adam Carolla (68:04)

Yeah, it Is. It's training. It's vocational training for drug counselors. But I would like the one like super naive drug counselor that was like. I've never done. Are they called speed bells or speed balls? I don't know that. That's where you take the cocaine mixture with the speed mixture and you put them together and is that, do you sniff that or is that something where you do, where you put it? I don't know what they call the needle is a ring. Oh yeah. Okay. Is that be something like. I've heard you guys say tie off. Are we talking about luggage? What do we mean by that? I haven't done. I haven't sniffed or snorted your. Your cocaine. I imagine it makes you feel super happy, but I haven't done it. I had an LA beer once. It's in low. It doesn't have. It has. It's not non alcoholic but it's not a high alcohol. I didn't finish it but I could feel like a little bit of what I guess you guys are talking about. I haven't had a lot of bad days.

H (69:19)

Life's been good.

Adam Carolla (69:20)

Diane is my happily married for 22 years. We met my junior year of high school.

Allison Rosen (69:26)

Do you even take it one day at a time?

Adam Carolla (69:28)

Oh no, no, no. I go months in advance. You know, I'm thinking about stuff that's coming up this time next year.

H (69:35)

I was born with these chips. Look, a pile of chips.

Adam Carolla (69:37)

I got a pile of chips. I know some of you got a cake which I think is awesome because I get cakes for my birthday too. Although this is a different kind of birthday. So I'm saying you should probably stop doing drugs. Although I don't really know what they do. I know they make you feel great. You know when you're feeling blue. I know. Is that something that we talk are feeling not happy?

H (70:02)

Can I just tell you some of the things that I did on drugs, Mr. Counselor?

Adam Carolla (70:06)

Yeah.

H (70:07)

Well you know I sold my baby.

Adam Carolla (70:11)

And that was a car.

H (70:13)

No it wasn't.

Adam Carolla (70:13)

Because my dad has a 44 stepside F104 that he just calls his baby. You sold your baby?

H (70:22)

Yeah, but I didn't really have a dad either, so.

Adam Carolla (70:25)

Uh huh. Why would you sell your baby for drugs?

H (70:28)

Because the baby didn't make me feel good and the drugs did.

Adam Carolla (70:30)

Was it the cocaine or was it the marijuana?

H (70:34)

It was marijuana.

Adam Carolla (70:38)

Would you smoke like a marijuana cigarette or would you use what they call a bong?

H (70:43)

We'd roll the joints and put PCP and stuff in there.

Adam Carolla (70:46)

I don't know really?

H (70:47)

You know what PCP is?

Adam Carolla (70:49)

That must stand for something. Stretch of highway that runs along the Pacific Ocean.

H (70:53)

Can I speak to your map manager?

Adam Carolla (70:55)

He's never been high either.

H (70:57)

Because I want to get a better.

Adam Carolla (70:58)

He's square than I am.

H (70:59)

I don't think you can help me.

Adam Carolla (71:01)

I know. Let me tell you something. I have seen my share of loss. I went to Trader Joe's once, and, you know, they give you the bags with the handles built in. You know, the paper ones. One of those handles broke when I was walking and I wasn't even halfway to my car. And nothing fell out of the bag, but I still had to kind of gather it up and get out. And then I did that thing where I popped the hatch on the car. But one of the shocks that hold it up is not that good, so it closes sort of slowly. So I had to kind of put my head under there while I was putting the bag in. So I know. Loss. The story of your loss and no heartache.

H (71:40)

The story of your loss is making me want to do drugs. More drugs.

Adam Carolla (71:45)

One of my children did not get into their school of choice. They had to go with their backup school.

H (71:51)

They had a choice.

Adam Carolla (71:51)

Oh, that was Stanford. But it was still a backup to go to Brown. But they couldn't. But they went to Stanford.

H (71:58)

There's a college named Brown?

Adam Carolla (72:00)

Yes. With no Brown people in it. But it has Cole Brown, ironically. So you sold your kid?

H (72:06)

Yeah, but I wish I'd have known about Brown before I sold my kid marijuana. But.

Adam Carolla (72:10)

All right, well, listen, I've. Again, I've never. I keep hearing about this chasing of the dragon thing. Is that an actual dragon that you guys chase, or is that just something in your head?

H (72:22)

Nothing like the movie how to Train the Dragon. This is a real thing where you just can't. You know, you're just chasing this high that you know, and it haunts you.

Adam Carolla (72:33)

Well, I think you guys should be fine on your own, unsupervised for a period of time. Now, what I need somebody to do. As you can hear, I could probably use some lozenges. Could somebody run to the liquor store and just give me some lozenges, please? I'm scratchy.

Giovanni (72:49)

Thank you.

H (72:50)

I'll do it.

Adam Carolla (72:51)

Okay, here's $700, but make sure and come back with change. You know what?

H (72:57)

You're the best counselor I ever had.

Adam Carolla (72:59)

But now, hold on. I want the secrets. Okay? In the tin. If you could. You know. Let's make it $1,700. Go ahead. Now, if you're not back in three days, I'm going to come looking for you. And scene. Thank you. The World Square Truck cancer.

Giovanni (73:20)

All right, coming off that ACE Award nominee, we have another one. Adam Carillo Show 988. Ray Seehorn, Allison Rosa, Brian Fishom January 2013. Gay henchmen, entire bit played in full. Hope you guys enjoy.

Adam Carolla (73:37)

All I'm saying is it's interesting, the difference between men and women. Like when the man and the woman get caught by the bad guy. The man gets hung up and down and somebody takes a soldering iron to his ball sack. We get our fingernails pulled out with lineman dikes or needle nose pliers. We get the shit beat out of us. The women have tons of sex. If you think about it now, it's called rape. But what I'm saying is.

Allison Rosen (74:07)

Oh, Lord.

Adam Carolla (74:08)

No, no, but hear me out. Hear me out. You're on a roll.

Allison Rosen (74:11)

Keep going.

Adam Carolla (74:11)

What if they. What if somehow the guy caught you was dyslexic? He's like, woman, you're gonna be hung upside down. Guys, fella, you'll be doing a lot of fucking. A lot of fucking. And I'm talking about a different partner every day.

Giovanni (74:26)

Because that's what dyslexia is.

Adam Carolla (74:29)

I'm just saying, is there anything where the fucking torture I'm saying have been so diametrically opposed? What I'm saying is if we're both. Both just dudes who are members of Al Qaeda, you'd go to one room and get waterboarded. I'd go another room and get battery, jumper cables put on my nut sack. But it's not like I'd go another room and start fucking.

Allison Rosen (74:50)

Probably not.

Adam Carolla (74:50)

You see what I'm saying? That's the number one thing. It's probably part of the torture. Guess what you'd like to be doing right now? Like number one on a guy's list, even when he's completely free and gets to do whatever he wants is fucking right. That's what you get as a chick in every one of these movies. I mean, you get repeatedly raped, but technically you're having a lot of sex.

Allison Rosen (75:12)

True. I'm saying no one can argue with that.

Adam Carolla (75:14)

They would never threaten a ton of sex with strangers.

Allison Rosen (75:17)

Maybe there would be a type of sex in a type of circumstance that you would hate or would be so excruciating. Oh, arguably, some men might be privy to that.

Adam Carolla (75:29)

Sure, sure. Oh, no. They could come up with a position and a certain fella and a certain orifice and a certain objects and Certain. Oh, no, I'm not. They could. Believe me. These people could come up with something that would offend my sensibilities, and I would not be a fan of. All I'm saying is they don't come up with bizarre ways to have sex with the chicks. They just have multiple partners and lots of them in a conventional sexual manner. So. And who knows? Maybe. Maybe a position you may enjoy if it were with George Clooney. So I'm just saying it's weird that if we both get. If Allison, if you and I both get caught, I'm going off to one room to have bamboo shoots put under my fingernails, and I'm getting romance. And you're getting romance. You're being wine dined in 69 by a whole bunch of fucking eligible guards. Yeah, just say, what if it was the other way around? That's all I'm saying. What if someone pointed at me when you're gonna fuck a bunch of strangers.

Allison Rosen (76:30)

Fair point.

Adam Carolla (76:31)

Who are relatively young and in pretty good shape.

Giovanni (76:34)

That was one. Guards.

Adam Carolla (76:35)

Young, eligible guy.

Allison Rosen (76:37)

Play cards.

Adam Carolla (76:38)

Right.

Allison Rosen (76:38)

That's a reality show right there.

Adam Carolla (76:39)

Henchmen are well built. They're usually in their 20s or 30s. Not like, oh, you see the gut on that henchman.

Allison Rosen (76:45)

Henchmen. Is there a moat at this place? There's a screwball comedy in the midst of this.

Adam Carolla (76:50)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (76:51)

With Adam Sandler playing a female.

Adam Carolla (76:56)

Yeah. Take me with your henchmen. Yeah, I'm just saying, these guys. The hench. If you look at henchmen in movies, look at somebody. I'll give you an example. I'll prove my point right now. I will dare you. Hand of God. Pull up, roadhouse. Pull up, Roadhouse. Pull up. The dude in the choker who fought Patrick Swayze. He was one of the henchmen who was Ben Gazara's henchman guy. He's a guy in his way. Oftentimes. These guys are pretty fucking easy on the eyes. And because part of your henchman duties is fist fighting and kicking guys in the side of the head and stuff, you spend a fair bit of time in the gym, in the dojo, you know, working out. Let's take a look at this guy. He's got a shirt undone down to his navel. He's wearing denim.

Allison Rosen (77:52)

Hey, as far as henchmen go, you could do, well, worse. Totally.

Adam Carolla (77:55)

All right, so him and a bunch of his, like, built friends want to have sex with you. For a couple.

Allison Rosen (78:00)

They wouldn't start with him. That would be, like, when you really. They're, you know. Not when they're trying to break you. It would get worse.

Adam Carolla (78:05)

I'm just saying that. Or hung upside down and someone puts soldering iron on your genitalia.

Allison Rosen (78:10)

Oh, my God. Henchmen all the way.

Adam Carolla (78:11)

Thank you. Thank you, ladies. Thank you.

Allison Rosen (78:16)

Yeah, for sure.

Adam Carolla (78:18)

Game, set, match. Legal, Zoom. You guys could sue these henchmen if they ever got a frisky with you.

Allison Rosen (78:28)

What is the hench? Right? I don't know. What were they doing with a hench?

Adam Carolla (78:31)

Hmm. Now we're gonna have to find out about the hench. You look it up. I'm gonna tell you about LegalZoom. You can protect your family from the henchmen, protect your business from the henchmen. You have affordable solutions. You can trust it. LegalZoom.com helping families and businesses get their personal legal protection for 12 years. And since I said that two days ago, over 12 years, incorporate a business, form an LLC, or get a will, living trust, all at LegalZoom. LegalZoom. LegalZoom is not a law firm. You can get self help services at your specific direction or you can speak to a legal plan attorney to get your questions answered and get ongoing advice before another year passes. Cross a couple of things off your New Year's Checklist today@legalzoom.com and save money while doing it. Enter Adam in the referral box at checkout for even more savings@legalzoom.com all right, so henchmen referred originally to one who attended on a horse for his employer as a horse groom hench.

Allison Rosen (79:39)

So what horse is hench that still doesn't, like, give you the.

Adam Carolla (79:43)

You know, either way, before you knew it, these guys are putting pillowcases on their heads and going, going around and lynching people. And now we have posses. It's weird that here it is, 2013, we've got rid of the henchmen, but we kept the posse. Although only black people have posse.

Allison Rosen (79:59)

Now you're sort of bringing back henchmen, though.

Adam Carolla (80:02)

I may be bringing it back. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (80:03)

When I was a kid, I thought it was posse.

Adam Carolla (80:07)

Yes. Rhea, what do you think? Hammed. It's old English. Yeah. It means horse.

Allison Rosen (80:13)

I like that you said that. When? The first time you heard it. So someone else said it and you. Correct. It's not. When you read it and you said posse, you heard it posse and went, no, no, I didn't. No, I heard a teacher. You know, teachers who have this habit of using phrases that you have never heard, but they were probably popular when that person was young.

Adam Carolla (80:34)

Those who are eager for the fray.

Allison Rosen (80:37)

Exactly. Actually, it was from a teacher that I first heard the term round heels, meaning someone who's a slut because your heels tip back. Oh, such a good one. It's really good. So anyway, another teacher, an English teacher, would always talk about how if something happens, she's gonna round up a posse.

Adam Carolla (80:54)

Oh, really?

Allison Rosen (80:55)

And yeah, we're gonna round up a posse. I don't know what you'd do with once you have it rounded up, but that's when I was like, oh, that's the word that, in my head I've been pronouncing posse all this time.

Adam Carolla (81:05)

It used to be a stand up comedian. I don't know who it is. I just remember seeing it on TV when I was a kid. It made me laugh. And he said, he was explaining the posse. He's like, everybody, everybody, get in, get in, gather round. Get in the center of town. All right, now spread out. I always laughed when I heard that. I was 13, but I still thought it was funny.

Allison Rosen (81:26)

It's a good bit.

Adam Carolla (81:28)

It is a good bit. All right, where the fuck. Where. Oh, by the way, horse. Specifically, stallion. So you're having sex with a stallion while I'm being tortured in the next room?

Allison Rosen (81:39)

That's the best one to have sex with. Horse wise.

Adam Carolla (81:42)

Horse wise, for sure.

Giovanni (81:43)

I like you bringing back henchmen. Could we, instead of being your sidekicks, would we be your henchmen? Yeah, and women, of course.

Adam Carolla (81:48)

I need you to have sex with women I capture.

Giovanni (81:51)

Oh, if I must.

Allison Rosen (81:53)

But you do get to ride horses to work.

Adam Carolla (81:55)

Yeah. By the way, the henchmen, you know the part where you're throwing yourself in front of bullets and arrows and stuff like that, that's the bad part. But the part where you get to rape repeatedly the hot chick who they've captured, that's gotta. There's gotta be a line at the. You know what I mean? Like, you know, like cops like lapd, when they draw the bad stuff is going down and working the gang crash unit down in South Central. But the good one is working on the sets of the movies that they're shooting at night where you're just leaning at your first one in line at craft service and sitting on your fucking hog all night just doing that. That's a good.

Allison Rosen (82:29)

As far as henchman duties go.

Adam Carolla (82:31)

Yeah, that's taking a bullet for the man. Not, not, Not a good gig. Raping Catherine Zeta Jones.

Allison Rosen (82:38)

Right, right.

Adam Carolla (82:39)

Pretty good.

Allison Rosen (82:40)

Kerry Washington.

Adam Carolla (82:41)

Kerry Washington. Yeah, it's pretty good gig.

Allison Rosen (82:43)

Do they have to tell their girlfriends, like like, when it's actors, that it's just. Just work, that they're not into it and stuff, you know, they're like, it's just for the job.

Adam Carolla (82:52)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't even want to.

Allison Rosen (82:54)

Rape Catherine Zeta Jones. The food was awful. It was the long hours.

Adam Carolla (83:00)

Look, first off, okay, yes, I had to come on the tits. That is a signature move of mine. Secondly, how do I know when I'm done? I mean, other. I'm going to be accused of going half hench, you know, only giving, you know, I give 110 hench percent, you know, and, you know, the boss finds out that I just gave a, what? Half a raping. A light raping. Reader's Digest raping. You know what I mean? Yeah. Once word gets around the hench cafeteria, I don't need that kind of bad buzz. That's what happened to Steve. He ain't the hench business anymore, you understand? So I let one go for the team. That's all. It's part of my deal. And when you recite the Hench oath, it's comes on the territory. Modifications. Rape. Murder. Awesome. And rape. You said rape twice. I like rape. Joke. They could never tell again, but funny. First time I heard it in Blazing Saddles when I was 10 or 11 years old. All right. Oh, dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then he had plans for you, right?

Allison Rosen (84:08)

Because he's one of these guys menacing. Just string me up, dude.

Adam Carolla (84:12)

Well, no, I mean, he wants. My dad didn't give a shit what I did, but he didn't give a shit what he did either. But your dad gave a shit what he did, so thus he must give a shit with.

Allison Rosen (84:22)

He didn't. He. No. He never actually talked to my sister, or I'm an older sister, about going into the government.

Adam Carolla (84:27)

No, but going into something, right?

Allison Rosen (84:32)

Yes and no. My dad was a painter as well, and he talked to me a lot more about painting. And I still do paint.

Adam Carolla (84:40)

Really?

H (84:41)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (84:41)

And I had just started acting when he. He actually passed away. I know that's not an open show.

Adam Carolla (84:48)

And all he painted was miniature cameras.

Allison Rosen (84:51)

No, he actually painted like all escapism Americana and, you know, like exit signs. No, like, you know, like cowboys on horseback. Like this.

Adam Carolla (85:03)

Ah, the posse.

Allison Rosen (85:04)

Yeah. Literally. Escapism riding across the frontier. The passe. A lot of rounds, heels, a lot of that.

Adam Carolla (85:11)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (85:12)

So I think that's what he did as the sort of other outlet to the other side of that. I have charcoal drawings he was doing during the TED offensive, actually.

Adam Carolla (85:21)

Wow. Yeah, he Was in country.

Allison Rosen (85:24)

Yes, he was.

Adam Carolla (85:24)

He was in namm. How many tours did he do?

Allison Rosen (85:27)

I don't even know the details about that one, but I know he was.

Adam Carolla (85:30)

In on the TED offensive. Oh boy.

Allison Rosen (85:33)

Yeah, I heard his voice over the radio. I mean read his voice over the radio trans scripts from when they realized that they're going to be attacked in the non combat zone.

Adam Carolla (85:42)

Wow, wow, wow, wow. That is some really hairy shit.

Allison Rosen (85:47)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (85:48)

Yeah. But he never spoke about it.

Allison Rosen (85:50)

No, no, he didn't.

Adam Carolla (85:52)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (85:52)

No. How about what did dad do?

Adam Carolla (85:55)

Well, he's the opposite. He never went to Vietnam, but it's all he discussed. Oh yeah. Talking about being in country, talking about taking out a whole village with his hands. Talking about something called comfort girls, which I was too young to really understand at the time. You have to do what you have to do to get by. Yeah, a lot of talk said he smoked pot out of a shotgun barrel and a human skull.

Allison Rosen (86:21)

Part of the Tet offense or Vietnam was he changed when he came back from not leaving.

Adam Carolla (86:28)

He had a 4,999 yard stare. He wouldn't quite get the 5,000 yard stare. He said, I'm stopp. And I said, we're Corollas, we don't go. I said, dad, what about the 5,000 yard stairs? 49-999-son.

Allison Rosen (86:42)

So you would just back up a little bit for him to be out of his gaze?

Adam Carolla (86:45)

Yeah, I'd just stand at 5,000 yards. That's your stair. People call him baby killer. When he got back to the States, although he never left Pennsylvania, but he.

Giovanni (86:55)

Was really forthcoming with the information. He wouldn't have to draw it out of him or anything.

Allison Rosen (86:58)

That's true.

Adam Carolla (86:59)

Yeah. No, he didn't.

Giovanni (87:00)

He likes to talk about.

Allison Rosen (87:01)

Of what I'm saying he didn't even need flashbacks. It was like right in the forefront.

Adam Carolla (87:07)

Yeah. Every time he heard a helicopter he went, huh? Oh yeah. And then he would freak out. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (87:13)

Delayed freak out.

Adam Carolla (87:15)

Yeah. So that's all he spoke of. All right. Shall we do a little bit O over the news?

Allison Rosen (87:24)

Yes. But I have to tell you that I just also remembered that I used to think pussy was. Was pussy. Oh, I thought that too. I could do that.

Adam Carolla (87:31)

Sure.

Allison Rosen (87:32)

Yeah. That's because I'd read it in truly tasteless jokes and in my head I always said pussy. I was gonna say that Judy Blume book forever, but it probably was not in that. I read that too though. Yeah. But no, I definitely thought it was pussy for sure.

Adam Carolla (87:45)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (87:46)

Maybe it should be.

Adam Carolla (87:47)

I wonder what the Henchmen have to do when it comes to the rape torture. If, you know, it's that time of the month and after what most of these women have gone through, they're probably not as fresh as they could be. A lot of horseback riding, a lot of running through swamps and things like that. You know what I mean?

Allison Rosen (88:06)

Well, maybe you wouldn't. If there was already a lot of, like, mayhem going on. They might not be able to tell that that was different blood. Maybe it was just a mess.

Adam Carolla (88:16)

I would like.

Allison Rosen (88:17)

I would send in so gross and true.

Adam Carolla (88:20)

I'd find the guy who was lowest down on the henchman totem pole and get him in there and like, you know, clean up aisle her kind of. Of thing. And then I would come in and.

Allison Rosen (88:29)

Do my business like with some industrial douche or something. What's the investigative process?

Adam Carolla (88:34)

Something you get from smart and final and lowest down.

Allison Rosen (88:38)

Do you mean, like, you're talking the other segment, like little people?

Adam Carolla (88:40)

I'm not a doctor. Oh, oh, I see what you're saying.

Allison Rosen (88:44)

Yeah, more convenient.

Adam Carolla (88:45)

No, no, no, but there's rookie. There's the rookie henchmen. You know, the freshman, you know, the guys that are rushing the henchman frat. Sir. That guy. Pleasure pledges fodder. Guys like that.

Giovanni (88:57)

Tacit agreement between the raper, the henchmen, and the victim or the concubine. Whereas, like, what are you gonna do here? I tell you what, you act like you've just had the worst raping of your life.

Adam Carolla (89:12)

Oh, you mean when they're not feeling so fresh?

Giovanni (89:14)

Exactly. Some tacit agreement where it's like, all right, we're pretend like this happened.

Adam Carolla (89:19)

Yeah. Or. Or what about the rare gay henchman who's been sitting on the secret for a long time? You know what I mean?

Allison Rosen (89:27)

Yeah, that'd be like a great Ferdinand the Bull style. Like he just.

Adam Carolla (89:30)

He just won't rape and he'd have to make excuses. Like, he'd be like, oh, man, I'm all raped out. I'm all tired from raping. I'm all chafed and tired for you. Go ahead, Stu. Brad, you.

Allison Rosen (89:43)

And normally I can't get enough rape.

Adam Carolla (89:45)

You know me.

Allison Rosen (89:46)

I'm like, Mr. Rape, he is so.

Adam Carolla (89:48)

Lucky I didn't spend a long weekend rap raping. Otherwise I'd be on that shit, you know, I tapped that shit. But I pulled. Pulled my groin pretty good. I mean, they make fun of it, but I was so raping women. Yeah. I was raping so hard, you know, over the weekend. Yeah, I pulled a muscle but you know what? You guys go ahead and rape without me. I'll be.

Allison Rosen (90:15)

Go on without me.

Adam Carolla (90:17)

I'll just hit cleanup in the rape department. Just gone rape away. And then you know, who's going on a kookaroo run or something. I'll meet you guys over there. Don't worry, I'll give a good raping.

Giovanni (90:29)

Oh, believe me, I'm jealous. I'm very jealous of all of you.

Adam Carolla (90:32)

Yeah. Yeah. I could get in first, but first off, there'd be nothing left when I was done with it. Go ahead. Go ahead and frank. You mind if I stare at your ass in the back of your ball sack while you're raping? No, just to pick up some rap.

Allison Rosen (90:48)

Just because you're good, just end up. I'm just spotting you.

Adam Carolla (90:51)

Just spotting.

Giovanni (90:52)

For a guy who talks a good rape game, you don't do a lot, I wouldn't say.

Adam Carolla (90:55)

You know what? I'll just cup your nuts here, take a little pendulous weight off there, let you get your rape on just a little bit better.

Giovanni (91:01)

For a guy who talks a good rape game, I've not seen you do a lot of raping. I've heard of you talk about raping a lot. A lot.

Adam Carolla (91:09)

Yeah, I know. You, I believe. Saw the Colt roundup calendar out hanging in my henchman locker. I had a lot of questions about that. A lot of questions about it. Well, first off, I don't look at the nude pictures of the dudes. I just look at the actual dates. And a calendar is a calendar to me, number one. Number two, the whole ball cupping thing, that is. I'm helping you rape. You understand? This is like. Look, you know, when we go to the gym and occasionally I spot you while you're doing bench press, and sometimes my balls fall in your mouth. That's not gay. I'm spotting you. You understand?

Giovanni (91:46)

Individually, you're making a good case for each one of these things. But you have to realize altogether, they make it okay. You can make a case.

Adam Carolla (91:53)

I will occasionally have sex with a dude. Why? Who's harder to rape than a dude? I'm fucking just building this thing. I'm honing my boning and raping skills on a dude. Know what I mean? Like, if you're. Here's what I'm saying. Here's the thing. If you're middleweight, you should be sparring with light heavyweights and cruiserweights. Those guys are bigger than you. They pack a bigger punch. That's in order to get in shape for the guy who's In. So my thing is I rape dudes in order to build up my rape stamina so that this 120 pound chick is nothing. That's a fucking rape in the park for me.

Giovanni (92:33)

I hadn't thought about it that way.

Adam Carolla (92:36)

Yeah, like a batting donut. Like a raping donut. Like I'm in the on deck circle, the extra weight. I'm not gonna go up to the plate with the extra weight on the.

Giovanni (92:46)

Bat, but it makes the bat feel.

Adam Carolla (92:47)

Lighter, makes it feel heavier, and then it gets lighter all of a sudden. Dude. And I know, I know you walked in when a dude was giving it to me in a keister and that I don't want to discuss now.

Giovanni (93:01)

I was gonna ask you about that, but yeah, I was gonna pursue the issue further.

Adam Carolla (93:04)

Yeah, let's not.

Giovanni (93:05)

Now that you make a good case, I against it. Yeah, I could let it go.

Adam Carolla (93:08)

You know what? I feel like we've been doing a lot of talking about raping, but not so much raping, sweetie. What do you even. She agrees that she feels like she's being ignored here in this rape.

Giovanni (93:20)

It's a good point. And when she agrees, you know, we're really falling apart.

Adam Carolla (93:23)

Let's get back. I'll cup your nutsack and I'll meet you over at Kukura.

Giovanni (93:27)

You're not going to do the raping?

Adam Carolla (93:29)

No, I am going to do the raping. But I just want you guys to get a head start. You head out.

Giovanni (93:33)

All right. I mean, that's really cool. Again, very cool of you to do that.

Adam Carolla (93:36)

Yeah, go ahead.

Giovanni (93:36)

All right, here we go.

Adam Carolla (93:37)

Thank you. Sorry.

Allison Rosen (93:38)

News.

Adam Carolla (93:39)

Yeah, the news with Allison Rosen.

Giovanni (93:47)

All right, that was Gay Henchmen off Adam K Show 988. Coming up next, we have Adam K Show, episode three, Teresa Strasser, Brian Bishop, the ending chunk of Adam's carbuncle story. So, yeah, Theresa, you had a hemorrhoid.

Adam Carolla (94:00)

I should get a brown heart. I should get a brown heart for what? Yeah. Oh, hemorrhoid.

Brian Bishop (94:05)

You don't get a lot of sympathy.

Adam Carolla (94:07)

No ass Sympathy.

Brian Bishop (94:08)

And a hemorrhoid is really just a punchline. It's not something that people see as a painful medical condition.

Giovanni (94:14)

A good bit is coming up with things. Not that sound better than they are, but diseases or conditions that don't carry the sympathy with them they should.

Adam Carolla (94:20)

Hemorrhoid and gallstones, things like. Like that. Exquisitely painful. People sort of laugh. Anything to do with the penis or the urethra?

Brian Bishop (94:30)

No. Long term harm.

Adam Carolla (94:33)

Jimmy's urethra started to shrink.

Brian Bishop (94:36)

Oh no.

Adam Carolla (94:39)

I could barely get semen out of.

Brian Bishop (94:43)

Took a lot of extra work.

Adam Carolla (94:44)

Oh my God. That may have been what happened to.

Giovanni (94:48)

My I around the same time.

Adam Carolla (94:51)

Christ, I got carpal tunnels yanking on that thing. No, his. His. His urethra shrank and he couldn't pee. And it's like you'll die if you can't pee. Except it's hilarious when people are laughing their ass off. When they're done laughing, they'll be. They'll be mourning at your funeral. And he had to go to, I think Dr. Drew, who essentially had to.

Brian Bishop (95:11)

Put same needle that was in your.

Adam Carolla (95:13)

Carbuncle kebab skewers and essentially yoked out his urethra.

Giovanni (95:18)

Shrunken urethra though. Awesome name for a punk band.

Brian Bishop (95:21)

I like that.

Adam Carolla (95:23)

Opening for Carbuncles.

Brian Bishop (95:26)

Explosive.

Adam Carolla (95:27)

Yeah, the. The ass stuff, the urethra stuff. And, and, and, and also everybody has a cure all and you're to blame. Like if you get cancer, you get cancer, right? Oh you, my poor dear. If you had have a hemorrhoid. So like. Sweetie, you're not eating enough fiber. What did I tell you about what I tell you about pushing? What I tell you about tension? What I tell you about you? What I tell you about the prescription? Whatever.

Brian Bishop (95:53)

Don't blame the victim. Don't blame the victim.

Adam Carolla (95:55)

Right, that's. That's what it is. This is. This is essentially the equivalent of you were raped. Why are we wearing the miniskirt? Why are we wearing the mini skirt? This is the asshole drinking. Yes, your asshole is being raped. Yeah. Yeah. If your asshole wasn't out taking Vikings.

Brian Bishop (96:09)

It in and, and mixing with guys.

Adam Carolla (96:11)

Your asshole didn't know well and eating the red velvet cake, then maybe your wouldn't need an asshole kit right now.

Brian Bishop (96:19)

Parent. Maybe your asshole should have laid away from the saltines and eaten the high fiber.

Giovanni (96:23)

What I don't even know is another lecture.

Adam Carolla (96:28)

Yeah. Oh man, I miss this. Don't you guys?

Brian Bishop (96:31)

This is fun.

Giovanni (96:32)

Yeah, except for the part where it's dark outside. For the, for the good reasons.

Adam Carolla (96:35)

Right?

Giovanni (96:35)

Late at night, not early in the morning.

Adam Carolla (96:36)

Yeah, it's real dark, which I know I'm waking up.

Giovanni (96:39)

Oh, Theresa, you're getting.

Brian Bishop (96:40)

I. I still. My morning schedule just been waking. Well, first at 4:30 and then today at 6.

Adam Carolla (96:45)

Oh really? Yeah, I'm over that. I'm over whatever schedule I was ever on in a second, by the way. And here, let me. I'll be honest for a second. I don't know if you guys have this serial killer gene that I have. Have today and yesterday, by the way, and I've been busy and we've been doing this CBS pilot and by the way, looking to get Ball Bryan involved with that and many of the other players here on the Adam Carolla show, especially the folks that don't have contracts to see them through the end of the year. And the people are living paycheck to paycheck. And granted, I've been distracted and I've been doing movie pitches and all. All kinds of great and exciting stuff, but I. And this is part of the problem. It's a good thing as a human being and a bad thing as a husband and a father and a son and all that. It's as if I'd never done it before. I literally.

Giovanni (97:44)

Not this.

Adam Carolla (97:45)

It is not the podcast. It is literally two days in and it's over. And it's completely over. Completely in the rear view mirror. And I don't even. I never did it before.

Giovanni (97:55)

Out of sight of the mind.

Brian Bishop (97:55)

I have a similar feeling. I went to the gym and a couple people I didn't know came up and. And they said, I'm so sorry.

Adam Carolla (98:02)

I'm so sad.

Brian Bishop (98:03)

I feel terrible. I miss you guys. What are they talking about?

Adam Carolla (98:06)

Hemorrhoid. I can push it back up.

Brian Bishop (98:08)

I know it's uncomfortable, but it's gonna probably go away if I eat more fiber and don't push.

Adam Carolla (98:13)

Yes. Do you have that feeling?

Brian Bishop (98:15)

Yes, completely.

Adam Carolla (98:17)

And isn't that a great thing about being a human being? And Ball Bryan, do you have that.

Giovanni (98:20)

Feeling a little bit more? So the days are sort of long with nothing to do. I mean, obviously you guys got movie pictures and TV Guide channel and stuff. When you're sort of waiting for the next thing to come. Come around. The day seems kind of long.

Brian Bishop (98:30)

What I do is I miss my nap.

Adam Carolla (98:32)

You know what I'm saying? Yes.

Brian Bishop (98:33)

I spend hours online looking for various genetic disorders my baby could have.

Adam Carolla (98:36)

Sure. Oh, awesome. And, well, maybe it'll come out with a hemorrhoid on it or. No, it comes out another hole. That's right. Also. And again, it's what makes me a robot. And it's simultaneously the best quality you could wish your young unborn child has and the worst, because it get. You move on immediately and it's all bigger and better and on to the next thing and you don't look back and you don't sort of shed a tear and live in the past and all that kind of stuff. On the other hand, it sort of makes you an emotional robot.

Brian Bishop (99:13)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (99:14)

Really be wondering what grieving Angie's up, right? And grieving the past and feeling all the feelings that come along with loss and pain and all that kind of stuff.

Giovanni (99:23)

I guess I have a smaller version of that, which is like, I wanted very badly at the time, like last Thursday and Friday to reply to all the MySpace messages and all the emails I'd gotten. If you people are listening, by the way, I really wanted, had of all intentions to reply to the messages, say, hey, thanks a lot, thanks for listening, I appreciate it. But once it comes, like, you know, today, Monday, Tuesday, and on and on, you're like, you're working on the next thing. You're kind of wrapped up in whatever's on the horizon, whatever's next.

Brian Bishop (99:45)

I think I would have dwelled a lot more if I wasn't pregnant. That has really helped in terms of going, yeah, just everything I hoped. I mean, it puts things like that in perspective. But I did have kind of a little emotional moment where I thought about the past three years and how, you know, I started out, I was single and I couldn't meet anybody. Then I met somebody and I got married. Now I'm pregnant and Brian is, you know, engaged and going to be married. And your twins are just gorgeous and they're running around here. And I felt like this incredible, just sweeping, saturating sense of gratitude. And I thought, I want to call Adam and tell him that I'll come and do his podcast anytime he wants me to be there.

Adam Carolla (100:26)

I know it was a weird thing. I just had an impulse, and it was a radio impulse to reset. I was gonna say, we're at my house and Brian and Theresa are here and we're having a goodbye party. And by the way, downstairs, our producer, Angie and pre op Boredot, Bill and Mike Chaffee and Dawson and lynch and all the people, everybody you near. Yeah, everybody associated with the shows there, drinking my booze, by the way, and enjoying my Mediterranean food. But one of the beauties of the podcast is we don't need to reset. Nobody tuned in halfway into this, and the only people that are listening are people that are tuned in, by the way. And a lot of people have talked about, you know, lamented the demise of the show and the radio station in la, but then all the affiliates as well. But it sounds cliche, but, you know, one door closes, another one opens. I found a lot of people And I know 300,000 of you can't be wrong. I think this is the wave of the future. I really do. And I think the big buildings and the big parking structures and the security guards and the goddamn Jack Silvers of the world, I think these are all dinosaurs. I really do. I think it's the Internet. I think it's the Internet.

Brian Bishop (101:44)

Based on the production piece he brought in on our last day, you know, that he's on the cutting edge. I don't understand.

Adam Carolla (101:50)

I feel like Rick D must have shit that thing out in 1987 that.

Brian Bishop (101:56)

Hit Rick De's carbuncle on the way out.

Adam Carolla (101:59)

Yes. Our program director Jack Silver's final farewell production piece I think about said it all in terms of his comedic sensibilities versus our own.

Brian Bishop (102:09)

Nobody in the room is going to get this. But as they say on Project Runway, I'm concerned about the taste level. That is not peak, that is not chic.

Adam Carolla (102:15)

It looks cheap.

Giovanni (102:17)

I was just looking at Mike Dawson and Mike lynch sitting outside the studio waiting to come in and say their piece, say their final farewell. Something poignant like, hey, guys have been awesome. And here's Jack Silver's comedy bit.

Brian Bishop (102:26)

Yeah, that was 20 minutes long.

Adam Carolla (102:29)

Would have been the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my life if I didn't think he was serious. It could have been, ironically, could have been the funniest thing on the planet. It could have some kind of Andy Kaufman could have crushed Final Tap. Right. If he didn't believe in it wholeheartedly and wasn't acting, actually slapping his knees, actually attempting to be funny.

Brian Bishop (102:49)

And this is a guy who's been telling me to keep it concise and keep it short and hurry it along. And that piece was just.

Adam Carolla (102:54)

And fucked out and from the like 70s. And it's definite Rick D's rip off and is just sensibly. I mean, as I was hearing it, it actually brought some nice closure for me because I was listening to it thinking, yes, this is why we're going off the air. That's right. The guy who hates Dana Car Goa' uld and loves this shit. This is exactly why we're going off the air. But the great news is we don't have to deal with Jack Silver anymore and we don't have to deal with CBS anymore. And we don't have to deal with the big high rise building anymore. It's just this. It's our community and we don't have to deal with borders or boundaries anymore. It's everyone around the world. Everyone who speaks English, everyone with a couple of brain cells rubbed together can listen to this show and can do it free of charge. And I feel guilty tearing you guys away from your loved ones and the party.

Giovanni (103:46)

They're very sick of us.

Adam Carolla (103:47)

And Molly and the wine and tea. Have a little shot of the vino. It's not. It's not going to kill you.

Brian Bishop (103:54)

Well, I thought that too, but apparently it's. They mean it with a company line, by the way.

Giovanni (103:59)

Like the doctor can't. You can't give an inch. You know what I'm saying?

Brian Bishop (104:01)

Here's why I trust my doctor.

Giovanni (104:02)

Sure, have a glass.

Brian Bishop (104:03)

My doctor. I said, when I first got pregnant, I was just incredibly, really, really nervous because the baby didn't even have a heartbeat yet. And I was just terrified. And I mean, I don't smoke, but I smoke maybe two cigarettes a day. Sure, I guess that's smoking, which I've been doing. I'm into that 20 for two a month, which I've been doing since I was 14.

Adam Carolla (104:21)

No, listen, listen. This is one of those things, though. You bring up a very good point. Let me talk about my asshole for another 20 minutes. No, this is what doctors. This is what doctors. Here's the problem. Here's the problem. In our society as a whole, when you say everything is a 10 for doctors, there's no threes. So if you say to your doctor, they go, do you smoke or don't you smoke? And you go, well, I smoke a couple. I smoke maybe two, three cigarettes. Okay, so you're a smoker. And you go, no, I'm not a smoker because I know guys who smoke three packs a day. That's 60 cigarettes a day. Three cigarettes. Cigarettes. Today you're a smoker. Let's just go ahead.

Brian Bishop (105:00)

And they might think I'm lying.

Adam Carolla (105:01)

We're going to check the box that says smoker. And again, they A, think you're lying or B, they don't have an in between. So they just check the box. And there's no like. So we live in a society of absolutes, which is no drinking. We all know, because for thousands of years, people drank either wine or the equivalent to wine while they were pregnant. Probably more so when they're pregnant. Because like I said back in the day, if you got shot, they gave you brandy. If you got stabbed, they gave you brandy. And if you're in any kind of pain at all, they gave you brandy. God knows how much brandy was given. Hell, we'd give the kids brandy. Yeah, soak it. Soak a rag. Hot toddy in whiskey and let the kids suck on it. When it was teething I mean, that sounds so good. God knows how much that was. So obviously drinking a glass of wine a night is not going to do shit. Obviously it's not. But a bottle of wine or case of wine may do shit. But because we're in an all or nothing universe now, there's no such thing as three cigarettes. There's a pack a day or not smoking.

Brian Bishop (106:02)

My doctor said, and I've done the research on it, and of course, smoking is dose related. So while it's not good to smoke and I wouldn't advise smoking, three cigarettes is not as bad as three packs of cigarettes. That's obvious. And you know, so I said to my doctor, I smoke a couple a day and I guess I should never smoke again. I mean, I should. I can't ever. And he said, look, he sized me up immediately and he said, I don't want you to stress out. It would be worse for you to stress out. And he's like, if you need to smoke that one, if it's gonna stress you out so much to not smoke that one cigarette, just. Just smoke the one cigarette.

Adam Carolla (106:35)

Wow.

Brian Bishop (106:35)

And that's how I know that he's not bullshitting alcohol. He said, alcohol is not the same. You don't know what sip of alcohol is gonna affect the fetus.

Adam Carolla (106:43)

It's.

Brian Bishop (106:43)

People don't understand it. Yeah. And so he just said, just no alcohol.

Adam Carolla (106:49)

That is the fact that he said go ahead and smoke a cigarette, but stay away from the booze does suggest that he's for real.

Brian Bishop (106:55)

You do feel like a real asshole. Speaking of assholes, when you're sitting there pregnant and you're just taking a drag off your husband's cigarette because he's the same as me, he just smokes one or two. But I'm quitting, so I'm down to just a few puffs off his.

Giovanni (107:08)

Work on this. Work on this. What's it tell you?

Adam Carolla (107:10)

It's not your kid.

Brian Bishop (107:12)

Yeah, it's gonna look really bad when I'm really sucking. Dragging off a cigarette. I know it's not good. Doc said it was cool, but I'm doing my best.

Adam Carolla (107:20)

Well, like I said, maybe generically or genetically we were inferior because all the smoking and drinking that went on 50 years ago. But I feel like we were a stronger breed. Yeah. I mean, okay, so we'd hurt ourselves a little bit by smoking. Mom smoking. Mom drinking or whatever. But this is the greatest generation of all the time. I mean, this is the generation that stormed Normandy. For the love of Christ, how many pussies Right now who are listening to us via ipod would storm a beach in France.

Brian Bishop (107:53)

Not without their Purell.

Adam Carolla (107:55)

That's right. That's the goddamn point. So I don't know if we hurt them genetically by smoking or their mom smoking or whatever, but I'll tell you, it didn't hurt their character much. And maybe being the smartest, sharpest, most put together, sort of with the greatest opportunities of all genetically, maybe not. Maybe that doesn't have anything to do with character. Maybe character is the most important thing. I mean, maybe your IQ isn't the most important thing and your test scores isn't the most important thing. Damn it. Maybe there's something more to that that booze and nicotine can't effect.

Brian Bishop (108:38)

Right? Yeah, the soul.

Adam Carolla (108:39)

All right, the soul. So I think the booze is bad for the fetus, bad for the fetus mind, but good for the fetus soul. All right, either way, let's go. Let's go get luck. All right, I'm out. I'm out of booze. So we gotta wrap this thing up. Do you guys have anything you want to say, by the way? Because we'll have you on periodically, but it might be a little while.

Giovanni (109:00)

I'd love to come back. I'll bring you bottle one. We'll share it.

Adam Carolla (109:03)

All right, Anything you want to say to the people?

Giovanni (109:05)

Thank you for all your email messages. If you want to say hi to me, go to say, go to a highbrian.com.

Brian Bishop (109:11)

All right, I think I've said enough.

Adam Carolla (109:14)

You don't want to talk about your asshole for another 45.

Brian Bishop (109:17)

I'm sorry this ever happened.

Adam Carolla (109:18)

All right, thank you for listening. We'll be back again tomorrow. I think Damek and Bill Simmons are going to be in as well. And as you guys continue to make this the number one podcast in America, we will grow it. I was planning on just sitting here and talking to my pre pews and a ficus plant, but I had no idea that it was going to be this popular.

Brian Bishop (109:39)

That's really impressive and amazing.

Adam Carolla (109:41)

So, yes. And it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with you guys who have picked it up and ran with it and spread it around virally and shown the man what he can do with his radio station. So God bless you. Keep the fight going. We'll keep the pirate ship sailing, and I'll see you tomorrow. And until next time, this is going to feel weird. This is Adam Carolla for Teresa Strasser and Bald Bryant saying mahalo.

Giovanni (110:08)

All right, coming up for our final Clip Today we have Adam Corolla Show Episode 5 featuring Bill Simmons from February of 2009. Hope you enjoy.

Adam Carolla (110:19)

Came up the great idea. Yeah, I just, I'm gonna pitch you a couple TV ideas and a couple of feature ideas. Ideas, but better than Brokeback Secret Admirer on a par. Nothing could be better. I'm gonna, I'm going for a tie. How about this for an idea?

Bill Simmons (110:34)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (110:34)

We make an independent film and it's we. And we fill it full of all the crap that people love about these precious independent films. You know, we have a gay couple, it's Little Miss Sunshine meets all, all the, all the stuff that, that wins at the Independent Spirit Awards. It's a. Every year. And then we fake the death of the lead actor. Died of aids. Now he's a shoo in. He's a shoo in. Except for eventually he's gonna have to come back. I mean, if you made a movie about a gay couple or whatever, and the lead character, the actor, the actual actor, died of aids, he would win the Oscar for sure that year. Right?

Bill Simmons (111:19)

Why couldn't you go even further and say that there was a vicious strain of avian B bird flu and everybody in the set died?

Adam Carolla (111:26)

All right, well, take that then.

Bill Simmons (111:27)

You're guaranteeing best movie, best actor, best supporting actor. Everybody's dead. Let's vote for that movie, right?

Adam Carolla (111:32)

It gets best special effects and has an $800,000 budget to just shoot it in the San Fernando Valley. All right? Everyone died. Everyone. Yeah, right.

Bill Simmons (111:40)

In the last day there's bird flu and it wiped out the cast.

Adam Carolla (111:43)

Yeah, it'll be like the Marshall football team. I like that way. Okay, let me pitch you another gay related movie.

Bill Simmons (111:49)

Oh, please do.

Adam Carolla (111:50)

Are you ready? Now picture this. Yeah, it's San Francisco. We're in the Bay Area and there's a school for gays. Not to teach you how to be gay, but because a couple of kids got picked on, there were some hate crimes going on in Oakland, they made a little charter school for the gay kids. It's believable. They're progressive.

Bill Simmons (112:12)

Not only is it believable, I wouldn't be shocked if this school didn't exist already.

Adam Carolla (112:17)

Okay, well, let's just say it does, okay? And it's a great. Of course it's a great school. No violence. You know, everybody plays the viola. I mean, high marks, high test scores, no graffiti. Thank you. Everyone recycles.

Bill Simmons (112:32)

Is it a high school?

Adam Carolla (112:32)

Yeah, it's a high school for the gays.

Bill Simmons (112:35)

So it's the Harvey Milk High School, Right.

Adam Carolla (112:37)

Just. Just, just Memorial High. Just one of the gays. Shia LaBeouf is a tough kid from the wrong side of the tough. Shia. He's perfect for this. He's got juice, by the way, he could get this made. All right. He plays sort of that rebel without a cause tough guy character that he played from the super crappy last Raiders of the Ark installment. Tough kid, wrong side of the tracks. His parents, single mom. Single mom sends him to the school for gays because she wants him to get a good education.

Bill Simmons (113:10)

She just heard the teacher were good.

Adam Carolla (113:12)

She's. Well, the test scores are off the charts. Everyone knows it's a great school and they can't test for gay. No, it's not like they get a 15 year old freshman and they're going, let's see a suck cock. No, they just have to take your word for it. Right? I guess. Right?

Bill Simmons (113:29)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (113:30)

There's no test.

Bill Simmons (113:31)

So you're saying it's basically like that sandler Kevin James movie crossed with a high school.

Adam Carolla (113:36)

Right, but. But wait.

Bill Simmons (113:37)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (113:38)

Oh, but wait. So of course he hates it because he's a tough kid from the wrong side of the tracks, but his mom, single. Single mom says it's either that or the military academy. He's out of control. So he has to. So it's all fish out of water thing where he has to gay it up and fade up even though he's a tough kid. Yeah, it's like the Sandler thing.

Bill Simmons (113:57)

Little Jack Tripper too.

Adam Carolla (113:58)

Yeah, little Jack Tripper mixed in. Now here's where it takes a twist. Dakota Fanning, also, I like her work. Also from it. From. From impoverished family, wrong side of the check. Her dad says you gotta not only gate up, but you gotta pretend to be a dude because it's an all boys, all boys gay school.

Bill Simmons (114:20)

Shades of just one of the guys.

Adam Carolla (114:22)

Yeah. She binds her breasts, she does the whole. Gets her hair cut off short. Right now she's at the all gay school with Shia LaBeouf. But they find they're attracted to each other and it's weird because Shia's like, what? What's going on? I'm having feelings.

Bill Simmons (114:37)

Shades of fast break.

Adam Carolla (114:39)

Yeah. What happened at fast break?

Bill Simmons (114:40)

Fast break. Gabe Kaplan basketball comedy. They. There was a girl on the team who they made believe was a guy and the power forward became attractive.

Adam Carolla (114:48)

For my money, top five Gabe Kaplan movies, by the way. Fast Break. Maybe 10. I don't know.

Bill Simmons (114:54)

Maybe also top one since it was the only one.

Adam Carolla (114:56)

Okay, so Shia LaBeouf, who's kind of a homophobe and looks himself as a real man's man. Finds himself like. There's that scene where she drops her books and bends over to get. He finds himself staring at her ass and then does that. What the hell? What's going on? Because the pheromones have taken over. She, of course, is attracted to Shia LaBeouf, but he can't say anything. He has to keep pretending how gay gay is.

Bill Simmons (115:24)

I got to interject here. I don't think you do, Dakota. I think you go older with somebody who looks young. Like the girl from Juno.

Adam Carolla (115:31)

Lauren. Holly.

Bill Simmons (115:32)

No, Juno.

Adam Carolla (115:32)

Oh, okay.

Bill Simmons (115:33)

Ellen Page. Yeah, Juno.

Adam Carolla (115:35)

Good. I'm ready.

Bill Simmons (115:36)

You could have the sex scene where they finally unleash their attraction and Shia rolls her over and does the Heath Ledger. The spits on the hand. Like he's got to go anal but doesn't really realize it's a chick.

Adam Carolla (115:51)

Yeah, yeah.

Bill Simmons (115:52)

And he's kind of like a little disappointed.

Adam Carolla (115:54)

And for a minute he pauses. He's got that look he gives. That look you give when you take a swig out of something that when you're a kid, something would be in the Tupperware jug in the fridge and you thought it was oj and you take a swig and it was milk. And we have that quick face where it's like, huh. And then you go, huh, okay, all right. There's that moment of what the. And then. Okay, all right.

Bill Simmons (116:16)

Or when you're a 12 year old at a wedding and you grab a drink and you don't realize it's a vodka tonic.

Adam Carolla (116:21)

Yeah.

Bill Simmons (116:21)

It's like, oh, all right.

Adam Carolla (116:22)

So this is just one of the gays.

Bill Simmons (116:25)

I like it.

Adam Carolla (116:25)

All right.

Bill Simmons (116:27)

I love that movie. And it could go in a lot of directions. I like Harvey Milk Memorial High.

Adam Carolla (116:32)

Yeah, it's all solid. Very timely.

Bill Simmons (116:34)

I also think you have a teacher. Maybe make a move on Shia. And then, hey, if you want an A in this class, you better learn how to play the game.

Adam Carolla (116:44)

Oh, right, yeah. And he punches him and just knocks him out. That's his street wise instincts coming out.

Bill Simmons (116:51)

Quick, quick tangent, though. How come we never hear the right side of the tracks?

Adam Carolla (116:55)

Yeah, it's always the wrong side of the tracks.

Bill Simmons (116:57)

That's like, I was born on the right side of the tracks.

Adam Carolla (116:59)

Yeah, I was born on the tracks.

Bill Simmons (117:01)

You were born in the middle.

Adam Carolla (117:03)

Better be off them. All right, let me give you this one. I think you're gonna like this one. This one is from the mind of Ashton Kutcher. I've decided just Decided everything. I'm gonna start every pitch with. This was Ashton Kutcher's idea.

Bill Simmons (117:18)

Or you could call it an Ashton Kutcher joint.

Adam Carolla (117:20)

Yeah, yeah. Good, good. Ashton Kutcher is behind this. He thought of this. Every fucking pitch I make in this town. I'm just going to say Ashton Kutcher told me to say this.

Bill Simmons (117:29)

It doesn't bother you that he's now a volunteer football coach at Harvard Westlake?

Adam Carolla (117:33)

No, it's the only thing I like about him. All right, this one is called Maid of dishonor. And we get Patrick Dempsey back on with this. And it's one of those crappy Dane Cook sort of premises where he is the guy who's hired by the brides to be. He's hired as the long lost relative or brother or something of the bachelor to go to the bachelor parties and spy. That's his service.

Bill Simmons (118:01)

There should be a name for that dude. Yeah, because I've known of a few bachelor parties where like the brother or the cousin rats out what happened after Benedict C block.

Adam Carolla (118:15)

Yes. Turncoat. It's horrible.

Bill Simmons (118:19)

It's really like, you should go to prison.

Adam Carolla (118:22)

I know.

Bill Simmons (118:22)

If you tell anybody what happens at a bachelor party, you should go to jail for three months.

Adam Carolla (118:26)

No, I have decided that just like in the black community, there's an uncle Tom, there's an uncle dude, there's the guy who rats out other dudes.

Bill Simmons (118:38)

Interesting.

Adam Carolla (118:38)

The guy who goes to bachelor parties and turns on his own dudes by telling. First mistake is he does this thing where he has this great open relationship with his wife or his girlfriend. Oh, man. We don't have secrets. Oh, we. We don't share. We share everything. Fine. Except for your girlfriend's got a loud mouth. You share everything with her. I don't share as good a relationship with my wife. And then she tells. I've had this happen many times.

Bill Simmons (119:06)

Girls. Girls will tell other girls. They will. They don't keep secrets.

Adam Carolla (119:09)

Yeah. So there's a guy who thinks his girl's really cool. He's like, I can tell you what went on. And then she immediately tells somebody else.

Bill Simmons (119:17)

Quick, quick, quick, tangent. There's a famous basketball NBA story about a team in the playoffs one year where one of the star players and one of the other starters turned out that they were banging the same chick. And another one of the stars, these guys weren't talking. And the third star told his wife, who then went and told the star's wife and the whole team self destructed. Lost in the first round. And it was all because of Benedict Kochblock.

Adam Carolla (119:46)

Yeah, it was James Worthy and A.C. green, by the way. Can you imagine James Worthy who never stopped whoring and A.C. green who was a virgin.

Bill Simmons (119:57)

Oh, yeah.

Adam Carolla (119:58)

On the same team.

Bill Simmons (119:59)

That Magic and Worthy must have spent years trying to get him to do something horrible. Years. Day after day of just.

Adam Carolla (120:06)

I'm surprised they even passed to him.

Bill Simmons (120:08)

Yeah, I mean, they. They're actually probably roofing him, trying to get him to lose his virginity.

Adam Carolla (120:12)

All right, so Maid of Dishonor, Patrick Dempsey is the guy for hire again, like those horrible Dane Cook movies where he has some sort of business. His business is to date your. Your ex girlfriend and disappoint her. So you go back there, this is his business.

Bill Simmons (120:27)

What was the first movie that did that?

Adam Carolla (120:29)

It's kind of like Hitch.

Bill Simmons (120:31)

I was gonna say Picture Perfect with Jay Moore.

Adam Carolla (120:33)

Yeah, it was one of those stupid ideas where this guy has a business and so he charges you to go to the. To the whatever. And of course, again, he's a Benedict Cockblock, but he doesn't seem to care. He's got his ill gotten gain. But eventually, of course, he has to fall in love with the bride of one of the guys he's working with. The girl, I mean, she hired him and he falls in love because he finds out this guy really is a bad guy.

Bill Simmons (121:02)

Well, because the chick flick, the basic chick flick premise is that the woman who's smoking hot but somehow can't find. Find a boyfriend finally does find the boyfriend. But there's some sort of really nefarious catch, right? Some sort of catch that would never happen in real life.

Adam Carolla (121:17)

Yeah. Yeah. You ever been to a bachelor party, by the way?

Bill Simmons (121:20)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (121:20)

Where you don't want to get involved with the ugly stripper. Like you ever get. You ever get some really bad strippers at a bachelor party?

Bill Simmons (121:28)

I'm at the point now, I think, because I'm getting older and I had a daughter where I actually get bumped out by strippers. Well, if they're.

Adam Carolla (121:36)

But not the hot ones.

Bill Simmons (121:37)

No, not the hot. The hot ones. I'm saying the ones. The ones where you're looking at them and you're thinking like this poor girl, like she tried to do porn and wasn't cute enough to do it. Now she's here. It's funny, I start thinking about breaking it down. Where did her dad go wrong?

Adam Carolla (121:51)

It's funny though. It's like watching what you eat when you don't like the food. That's not much of a challenge. But when your favorite dish is put in front of you. It's hard to stay away from it. I always feel bad for the scary. For the scary dancers or stretchers or whatever. Yeah. With bad tats and all that kind of stuff. Come or. But when they're young and hot, I immediately stop feeling bad.

Bill Simmons (122:15)

You know, it's funny, though, the you porn premise also applies in strip joints because you'll have the guy who's just waiting for the perfect stripper.

Adam Carolla (122:21)

Right.

Bill Simmons (122:22)

And then you'll have the one who's just like, she's got kind of a hump, but.

Adam Carolla (122:26)

Right.

Bill Simmons (122:28)

And he's three minutes in. He sees, gone.

Adam Carolla (122:30)

You know what I think they ought to do, actually? I'll get a little plug in. We're going out to dinner tomorrow night. We're going to this place where you essentially just eat an entire cow called Foga de Chao. It's excellent. And they're paying me no money. It's just we're going there and eating tomorrow. They give you a card. It's a paddle. You put it in front of you, and when you flip it over, it's like a coaster. When it's red, they stop by bringing the meat. When you flip it over and it's green, they keep bringing the beef.

Bill Simmons (122:59)

It's the Sal card.

Adam Carolla (123:01)

Yeah. Cousin Sal plays it because he won't.

Bill Simmons (123:04)

Turn the card over.

Adam Carolla (123:05)

He's got too much pride. Yeah.

Bill Simmons (123:07)

And we're begging him to turn it over because it becomes a point after. Now you're worried about his welfare.

Adam Carolla (123:12)

Yeah.

Bill Simmons (123:12)

And he won't turn it over.

Adam Carolla (123:13)

And when you. When you. When you hiccup and it tastes like a cow, eventually, you know you've had too much cow. But he's got a lot of pride. And Jimmy will be there and the whole game. But the point is, they should have that card system at the strip joint with, you know, like. Like lap dance in my refractory period, just enjoying a beer, you know, because there's nothing. It feels weird when you've just got your. Your honker ground down to a nub, and you're like, I'm gonna enjoy a Miller Light and take a little break here for a minute. And then the chick comes by. Well, you want to dance? You're like. You feel bad, you know, just come try me back and 10, let me buy my friend a dance. They just have the paddle, turn it over. You know, one says refract.

Bill Simmons (123:55)

I love that idea, but I don't. The strip joint would never go for it because part of their money is based on the fact that if you leave a little opening for them with their chair, they will slide over like a cobra, just sit on you. And then they pray that you're just gonna be.

Adam Carolla (124:10)

Yes.

Bill Simmons (124:10)

You know, have too little pride to turn them down. I found that the bed. The best trick is to basically push a whole bunch of chairs together. I call it the chair armada.

Adam Carolla (124:18)

You essentially circle the chairs.

Bill Simmons (124:21)

You basically build an offensive line around yourself with chairs, and they can't penetrate it.

Adam Carolla (124:27)

David, it is funny when you see one of your friends who got the really ugly stripper, and you know, he's just trying to be nice, and he's on his third lap dance, and you can see him sort of squirming. We went to a strip club in Vegas once. I went with David Alan Greer. His stripper had been stabbed 18 times, times by her ex husband. And she proceeded to share that. I mean, it's like, literally, she took a sip of coke and it started coming out of holes in her side. It was really like a cartoon. And Dag wanted to get the hell out of there the whole time. But now you feel bad too, and you got to start throwing the money around. And I've said this many times. I don't know if you guys. I don't know if you have this feeling, but no matter how much I can be in the strip club making it rain like Pac Man. But as soon as I go into the bathroom, the Ethiopian guy who wants to hand me a breath mint and get 50 cents, I'm like, hey, dude, back off.

Bill Simmons (125:21)

I have pride.

Adam Carolla (125:24)

You know what? It's a tough economy. Meanwhile, I've been balling up 20s and trying to throw it into the crotch of the chicks on stage for the last four hours. And I just bought a chicken mini bottle of champagne for $72. Put the poor Ethiopian guy in the bathroom, no eye contact. I don't want to give him a dollar.

Bill Simmons (125:42)

If I had to eliminate five things from America, bathroom attendance would be in the top five.

Adam Carolla (125:47)

Just the idea that there's essentially another witness to you taking a dump in the bathroom. Just that alone.

Bill Simmons (125:55)

Well, if. First of all, if you're at a place that has a bathroom attendant, odds are it's a nice restaurant or a strip joint or something. It's a place. You're having fun, right? You don't want to be thinking about this poor dude who's trapped in a bathroom smelling like somebody's shit the whole night, right?

Adam Carolla (126:09)

And by the way, depressing. You take that home. Because, like, when I used to work at McDonald's and I worked at Grill.

Bill Simmons (126:15)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (126:16)

My fingers smelled like onions and Quarter Pounders for a week.

Bill Simmons (126:20)

Right.

Adam Carolla (126:20)

You know, if you're in a bar that's smoky, your hair will smell like smoke, your sweatshirt or smell like. So. So this guy must go home reeking of ass.

Bill Simmons (126:28)

Yeah, he smells like, like, kind of like a stale fart crossed with dog poop.

Adam Carolla (126:32)

Yeah, it's like, I smell Lavoris and ass on you and Brute.

Bill Simmons (126:38)

I. I mean, I. I worked in the service industry and I'm. I'm. I always over tip, but I will not do the bathroom.

Adam Carolla (126:44)

All right. I like that guy out of the bathroom. Yeah, just go, Yeah, I. I agree. Yeah, it's always a weird nationality. And there's this weird thing too. If the guy hands you once in a while, you wash your hands and you go reaching for the paper towels. And if he hands it to you before you can grab the paper towel, then you to pay him if you take something from his hand.

Bill Simmons (127:03)

There's two emotions that work. First, you feel bad for him. Second, you either don't like yourself because you didn't tip him, or you're mad at yourself that you tipped him.

Adam Carolla (127:12)

Right.

Bill Simmons (127:13)

Either way, you're walking out there unhappy in two different ways.

Adam Carolla (127:15)

I got another bathroom rule for you I was talking about on my radio show a few months back. I don't know if this has happened to you, but it happened to me two times in three days. Which was. First time, I was Dancing with the Stars. I went to go use the bathroom in the back of the stage. I walked into the bathroom, got myself up against the urinal, and heard from inside the stall a guy go, how's it going? And I was like, going good. And then there's a pause. And then I go, not a bad gig getting paid to take a shit. And he goes, am I on the phone? It's like, oh, he's talking to a guy on a phone. And now I just seem like a maniac, just talking to him about getting paid to take a shit. He was in the. In the toilet with the door closed.

Bill Simmons (128:07)

Oh, he was talking on the phone and you thought he was talking?

Adam Carolla (128:10)

I thought he was talking to me. And then fast forward three days later, I'm at Laurie's eating more beef with Kimmel. My back is to the door. I'm taking another piss, and a huge brother comes walking, walking in. What's up? How's it going? Going good. Having a good piss. I'm on the phone. You shouldn't be able to walk into A bathroom with a cell phone and have loud conversations when people's backs are turned to you. Right.

Bill Simmons (128:38)

What? I think it's much weirder to be in the bowl on the cell phone.

Adam Carolla (128:42)

Really?

Bill Simmons (128:42)

Yeah. That's pretty weird.

Adam Carolla (128:44)

You know, he's on the pot. His phone rang, obviously, a few minutes before I got there. He's having a conversation. I agree. But what are you supposed to to do when you're taking a piss? And from inside the stall, you hear a guy go, how's it going?

Bill Simmons (128:57)

That's pretty weird.

Adam Carolla (128:57)

I thought the guy just recognized me, like he was a crew from Dancing with the Stars or he saw my bedazzled jeans or something, and I wanted to be cool.

Bill Simmons (129:06)

You didn't go to college, though. You missed out on. And I talked about this the other day on a podcast about how fucking disgusting the bathrooms are at college. I mean, it's like you. You can't even begin to describe what it's like on, like, a Sunday where you're just like, yeah, I'm gonna go take a pee. And like, stall one, covered in shit stall two, puke at shit stall three, just puke. Stall four. Maybe I could wipe down the pee and sit down on it. It would take about 20 minutes. Those are your four options. And that's what every weekend is like. And after a while, you're like, you just learn to just walk through these beer bottles. Bottles and puke and.

Adam Carolla (129:45)

Is that, like, in a dorm?

Bill Simmons (129:47)

Any dorm. Yeah, any dorm. So I went in a podcast, like, man, that's 20 years ago. I bet it's not like that now. Is it like that now? Can you email me? Million people email me. Oh, yeah, it's worse. Oh, telling me stories about, you know, standing accidentally on a condom in a shower. Like, just disgusting.

Adam Carolla (130:04)

The worst bathroom scene. I hope you guys are eating breakfast. The worst bathroom scene I've ever been involved with is flying Tower Air to New York. Tower Air doesn't exist anymore. They didn't even have their own terminal or anything. You had to take a bus to the plane.

Bill Simmons (130:23)

I've never heard of tower.

Adam Carolla (130:24)

There's a good reason why they would park their plane, like, out on the tarmac, and you had to take a bus to it. That's number one. It was me and Kimmel flying to New York. KROC was footing the bill, and for another $12, we could have flown united, I'm sure. But they decided to fly as Tower Air. What Tower Air did Is they took 747s and they gutted them they took all the business class and the first class out of there and they filled them with more seats. And what people don't realize is a 747, you could put 500 people on a 747 if you gutted all the business and all the. All the first class.

Bill Simmons (131:05)

Which they did.

Adam Carolla (131:06)

Which they did. And we sat on the tarmac for like three hours. But by the way, the bathroom in the middle of the plane, by the time we got, you know, half hour from jfk, it was Calcutta in there. I mean, it was, it was that Slumdog Millionaire. I mean, it was an outhouse because it's 500 people, three bathrooms, and we all been on the plane for 10 and a half hours now. Bad time. It was really. It was a flying porta potty. It was not even a plane at that point.

Bill Simmons (131:37)

Do you find that they don't delve into the bathroom parts enough in Survivor?

Adam Carolla (131:41)

I don't watch Survivor, but if I.

Bill Simmons (131:42)

Did, I thought you did.

Adam Carolla (131:44)

Oh, Survivor. I thought we were talking about loss for some reason. Yeah, there should be a lot more leaf. Leaf ass wiping in that.

Bill Simmons (131:52)

I think you screwed up your mic. It seems like there would be at least three weird poop pee stories. One with per episode. Yeah, like, hey, I walked in in somebody's stool last night.

Adam Carolla (132:04)

What the hell?

Bill Simmons (132:05)

I thought we had an agreement.

Adam Carolla (132:06)

You think, you'd think Probst would broach that, you know, when he was at one of the challenges.

Bill Simmons (132:12)

Well, I was thinking, you know, they'll have the challenge where they haven't eaten for four days and it's like you win a breakfast buffet, right? And everybody just chows down for an hour and then they all look so sick. And then I can't even imagine. It's like holy hell they have to unleash in the forest.

Adam Carolla (132:27)

Right? Well, forget about the forest. How about just all of you in a makeshift tent with a monsoon going on outside and one guy's just got the farts.

Bill Simmons (132:37)

Oh, I didn't even think of that.

Adam Carolla (132:38)

I mean, just think about the gas from those, you know, some guy, he's a pig farmer from North Dakota. He's 300 pounds. He's, you know, he's lost control of his bowels, you know, many years. How would you like to be in the tent with that cat?

Bill Simmons (132:51)

You know what else bothers me about Survivor? Throw the girls a razor after two weeks. Let them shave the armpits. I'm watching in HD now. Don't give me Survivor in HD and give me armpit hair on the hot blonde.

Adam Carolla (133:01)

I'm thinking about how much extra boob and ass has proph seen in his career.

Bill Simmons (133:08)

That's what.

Adam Carolla (133:09)

Like when the chicks go naked or the tops come flying off, or the chicks, they try to do their immunity challenge and their bra and panties, but the chick's got double Ds, they got a blur coer running. She's running the tire obstacle course, and one boob comes flying out, gets her in the face. Jesus Christ.

Bill Simmons (133:24)

There's two things I've never understood. One is why no former college basketball player at a big program has ever just come out and said, oh, yeah, they paid me this. They paid this guy. There's like this code of amerta, right, with college basketball and football players, and nobody's ever told what they got paid. Even though the second one is none of these survivor editors or real world editors or any of these shows has ever just said, you know what? I'm gonna burn myself a little disc of all the nudity and put it online. How has that not happened yet?

Adam Carolla (133:55)

I have a crazy. I mean, Donnie looks guilty. The Wiis worked as an editor on Big Brother.

Bill Simmons (134:02)

Oh, so you could have done that easily.

Adam Carolla (134:04)

I mean, they had cameras in the toilets and stuff there. I mean, Donnie, how much nudity did you see in that editing bay? Some. Not as much as you think, but mostly everybody's like, under the covers, like in Big Brother. But what, What? He's gonna be our guest on Monday, by the way. We gotta book this guy. So when you're editing the stuff together, do you have to watch that? I mean, how does that work really? Get to see it as it's live? Because if there is some nudity, they don't. They. They don't load it in, right? Oh, okay, right. But either way, somebody has to have a five hour reel of all the great boobs and all the great ass.

Bill Simmons (134:50)

Real world date. They have sex for hours in the real world house, and they just kind of show a quick second of it and then they pretend the tape doesn't exist.

Adam Carolla (134:58)

Right.

Bill Simmons (134:58)

But here's the other thing. We've met a lot of editors working on tv. Donnie, I think, is a higher class editor. There are some editors who look like they've never not had to pay for sex.

Adam Carolla (135:10)

Most editors. Let me give you the archetype for the editors. I mean, the standard issue editor looks like the original Buffalo Bill from Manhunter. The first Silence of the Lamb. Nice.

Bill Simmons (135:25)

That second Buffalo Bill. First Buffalo Bill.

Adam Carolla (135:27)

First Buffalo Bill from Manhunter. Look that one up. That is basically the template for editors. So you're telling me that guy, or.

Bill Simmons (135:36)

It looks like the Hurley from lost? Like the 300 pounder with the mullet?

Adam Carolla (135:40)

Yeah. Either way, those guys are paying for their love. And as Bill Simmons says, and they definitely got some kind of secret spank reel that they're not talking about.

Bill Simmons (135:48)

And that's what drives me nuts, is that I should. By now, I should have been able to see five hours of sex footage from the Real world.

Adam Carolla (135:56)

Some guy whose, you know, career's over and he's PO'd at NBC or MTV or whatever should just throw that up on YouTube.

Bill Simmons (136:04)

It'll happen.

Adam Carolla (136:05)

I agree.

Bill Simmons (136:05)

Well, I. I have. I have faith.

Adam Carolla (136:07)

From your mouth to God's ears.

Giovanni (136:12)

That does it for today's cruel classics. Until next time. And get it on.

Allison Rosen (136:20)

Sam.