Loading summary
Transcript916 lines
- [00:16]
Adam Carolla
Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics available exclusively through Podcast one. Sign up today for ad free archives of this program. And if you'd like to get ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or just access the exclusive brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsvcarolla.com now, on to the clips. Now we already played this one earlier this year back in January, but it's very fitting. Now, unfortunately, Adam Carolla Show 659 featuring Jane Goodall. Because we played the entire episode before, we're just playing the interview with Jane this time. Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop joined Adam. Back in 2011, Jane had some fun at Adam's expense.
- [01:09]
Caller or Listener
Hello, Mr. Carolla, my name is Josh. I am from Pittsburgh. I wanted to let you know that the game that all the people play where you put your hands down and the other person slaps their hands and so on is called Hot Hands. It has a name.
- [01:24]
Jane Goodall
Thank you.
- [01:26]
Adam Carolla
Leave us a message at 888-634-1744 and click the banner on AdamCorola.com or go to Evoys.com Adam for a free six month trial. Yeah, I was asking that game where you put your hands down and no kid is going to play this game ever again because now we all are. They're all playing Angry Birds, right? You just set those. You had to do things for road trips, you know. Now everyone's just staring at the back of the headrest and they're looking at something in high definition.
- [01:58]
Allison Rosen
You had to look at license punch.
- [02:00]
Adam Carolla
Each other out of town play. Yeah. And they, yeah, that Hot Hands. And I didn't know what it was called, but no one else did either. Oh, by the way, Jane Goodall is joining us. It's bizarre. Somebody said who's on the show tonight? And you know, I thought I was going to say Dana Gould or Harlan Williams, like Jane Goodall. They're like, huh, yeah, yeah, you're highfalutin now. Jane, are you there?
- [02:23]
Jane Goodall
I am here.
- [02:24]
Adam Carolla
Oh, great to speak to you. I'm a big fan.
- [02:27]
Jane Goodall
Well, it's lovely speaking to you.
- [02:29]
Adam Carolla
Yes. Now, by the way, the event is this Tuesday, September 27th at 8:00pm Guests include Dave Matthews, Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron, that is our own. Dawson is going to be announcing the. The event that you'll be at. It'll be live. It'll be broadcast to 500 movie theaters across the country. Jane, could you tell us a little about the event and how it works?
- [02:55]
Jane Goodall
Well, I mean, it's pretty amazing really, isn't it? 5,000. I mean 500 cinemas across the country is something that hasn't happened to me before. The event is a half hour live gathering of interesting people and surprises.
- [03:13]
Ray Oldhoffer
In.
- [03:13]
Jane Goodall
A studio in Los Angeles, which is prior to showing the film Jane's Journey, which is something I'm very, very deeply involved in, having been part of it for the past, well, three and a half years.
- [03:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, well, we'll talk about that film in a second. I'd just like to know how you got started. I'm reading here that at age 26 you went to the African jungle with your mom and, and you just lived amongst the wild chimpanzees. But was your mom, was that what she did? Did she study chimpanzees and brought you along or she just. Bad marriage?
- [03:53]
Jane Goodall
No, it was neither. The point is that from a very, very, very young age, I loved animals, was interested in animals, read about animals, read about Dr. Dolittle, read the books about Tarzan of the apes, remember?
- [04:08]
Adam Carolla
Sure.
- [04:08]
Jane Goodall
77. I'm going back now to a time when TV wasn't invented.
- [04:13]
Adam Carolla
Sure.
- [04:14]
Jane Goodall
So books. So reading about Tarzan of the Apes, falling in love with him, Frightfully jealous when he married that other stupid wimpy Jane.
- [04:24]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [04:24]
Jane Goodall
And.
- [04:25]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [04:26]
Jane Goodall
And so deciding though, that I would grow up, go to Africa, live with animals and write books about them, only my mother supported me. It was a crazy idea. World War II was raging and, you know, we didn't have any money in my family and Africa was the dark continent and I was a girl, for heaven's sake.
- [04:47]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [04:48]
Jane Goodall
So of course people laughed at me. But not my mother. If you really want something, you work hard, you never give up. You find a way.
- [04:56]
Adam Carolla
Maybe she just wanted to get you out of the house though. You know, this was all part of a ploy just to clear you out. It was this. Her boarding school.
- [05:03]
Jane Goodall
You cannot imagine how wrong you are. Well, now, so we're a very, very close family. I think she and her mother would have liked me and my sister to be in the nest forever. At the same time, she encouraged me to go off to Africa. But when I first raised the money, I saved up the money. I worked as a waitress. I got out to Africa. I met the famous paleontologist Louis Leakey.
- [05:33]
Adam Carolla
Sure.
- [05:34]
Jane Goodall
Amazingly, he offered me the opportunity to go and study chimpanzees. I had no degree. First of all, it was tough to get money. He got money for six months. Secondly, the authorities of what was then British Tanganyika, Tanzania. Now, in those days, it was part of the British colonial empire. A young girl out in the forest with potentially dangerous animals by herself. Impossible, right? But eventually they said, all right, if she brings a companion, we'll allow her to go. So who volunteered?
- [06:13]
Adam Carolla
Charlize Theron.
- [06:14]
Jane Goodall
Same amazing mother. Nothing to do with Charlize. She wasn't even born.
- [06:18]
Adam Carolla
Sorry, wrong math. I was picturing the two of you out in the jungle. So mom volunteered to come out?
- [06:25]
Jane Goodall
Yes. And she was amazing. Set up a little clinic for the local people with things like aspirin and band aids. And she boosted my morale because the chimps all ran away in those early days. You know, they'd never seen a white ape before. And I'd get back in the evening all depressed, and she'd say, but, Jane, think what you are learning. And, you know, she'd list out all the things I actually was.
- [06:49]
Adam Carolla
Oh, man, I hate my mom even more now. I couldn't get my mom to pick me up at a movie theater in Van Nuys, much less come out to Africa and bivouac with me in a tent. Your mom was a saint.
- [07:01]
Jane Goodall
She was fabulous and she had fun.
- [07:06]
Adam Carolla
Now, do you feel that you put a certain part of your life on hold, a social part of your life on hold? Were you able to marry or have children or lead a life that was a more traditional life, or did you put that on hold?
- [07:23]
Jane Goodall
I lived my dream. I married, actually, twice. I had a son. I have three grandchildren. I maintained a close relationship with my family in England, my mother and the rest of the family. And I've always been fortunate in that I love being around people, but I also love, perhaps even more being on my own out in the forest.
- [07:51]
Adam Carolla
When did this tragedy with Dian Fossey go down? Where she was killed by, I guess by poachers.
- [07:58]
Jane Goodall
Yeah, we don't quite know why she was killed, I suspect by poachers. But, you know, she didn't work with the local people the way I have. I included them in the research. They helped to find out about the chimpanzees. They are brilliant at following them in the forest. They know them individually. Diane wouldn't let the local people go near the gorillas. Because she said that would mean the gorillas were more vulnerable to poachers. I said to her, but the chimps know whether it's our people or a stranger. And if it's a stranger, they hide, and if it's our staff, they don't care. So surely your gorillas are just justice intelligence.
- [08:44]
Adam Carolla
At the time when this happened, though, did it scare you? And did your mom say, hey, man, we need to pack up the tent and head back to jolly old gone?
- [08:53]
Jane Goodall
I mean, this is long after, you know, I'd been in Gombe for a long time then. And poor my. My poor mother, though, because people called her up and said, we hear Jane's been killed.
- [09:04]
Adam Carolla
Right?
- [09:04]
Jane Goodall
That was the worst part for her, right? Did it scare me? No, because I had wonderful relationships with the local people. And in fact, we have pioneered at the Jane Goodall Institute a program to improve the lives of the people living in poverty around the wilderness area, making them our partners in conservation because, you know, we help them to find ways of living without destroying the forest and help them to understand that by saving the forest, they are protecting the future for their own children.
- [09:38]
Adam Carolla
Do we have you a couple of questions? What would be the most surprising thing most laypeople don't know about chimps?
- [09:48]
Jane Goodall
Well, I think most people, you know, most people think of chimps as those cute little furry beings that you see in entertainment and advertising and movies.
- [09:59]
Adam Carolla
We did until that chick went on Oprah without a face. And then we. We thought otherwise.
- [10:05]
Jane Goodall
That helps you to think otherwise. So people are beginning. But, you know, not everybody knows that people don't realize how close they are to us. People don't realize they can learn 400 or more signs of the American Sign Language as used by deaf people.
- [10:24]
Adam Carolla
Wow.
- [10:25]
Jane Goodall
People don't realize, you know, how close they are to us.
- [10:30]
Adam Carolla
Well, do you have. I have a question about danger and close calls, but I'll put that on the shelf for a second. Alison, you remind me to bring that up, okay? Do you see? And maybe this is the kind of thing you'd be against, but as far as chimps and what they can do for man, you said, you know, learning sign language, for instance, we have. We use animals that aid human beings, blind people, deaf people, you know, things like that. Do you see any kind of role like that for chimps? Or would you not want them to fill that role?
- [11:11]
Jane Goodall
No, they're not suitable. I mean, the ones, the animals that help people the most are those that have been domesticated for thousands of years, dogs and People go together. Dogs love to work with people. You know, for me, people think my favorite animal is going to be a chimpanzee. But actually, chimps are so like people that I don't think of them as animals any more than I think of people as animals. Although we are.
- [11:39]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [11:39]
Jane Goodall
But my favorite animal is a dog, and I've always loved dogs. And dogs taught me that animals have personalities and minds and feelings, which when I first went to Cambridge University, I was told wasn't true. But I knew it was true because of my childhood teacher, my dog Rusty.
- [12:01]
Adam Carolla
What's been your sort of closest call with chimps or humans or beyond jaguars.
- [12:09]
Caller or Listener
Being where, you know, we don't have jaguars in Africa.
- [12:13]
Jane Goodall
We have leopards and lions.
- [12:15]
Adam Carolla
Well, pardon me. Look, what's the big difference between a leopard and a jag anyway? Really much? Yeah, they look almost the same. Not much.
- [12:23]
Jane Goodall
No, no.
- [12:24]
Adam Carolla
Jags. Jags are in South America or Central America. All right. Figure that out. I just have the cars.
- [12:32]
Jane Goodall
It doesn't matter. Then you come up north in America and you get pumas or cougars or.
- [12:37]
Adam Carolla
Mountain lions or whatever you want to call them.
- [12:39]
Jane Goodall
Anyway, my closest call, you know, with the chimps. We have one chimpanzee called Frodo, who's in this movie Jane's Journey, and he's very big and he's a bully and he likes to intimidate not only chimpanzees, but people, too. And he is very intimidating, and he likes to push you over, drag you and stamp on you. And as he's like 10 times stronger than me, this is not a very pleasant experience. He is not trying to really harm or hurt. Not like that sad thing that you mentioned earlier, when the woman lost her face. This is just, you know, trying to show me who's boss, which is totally unnecessary because I know it.
- [13:27]
Adam Carolla
Does he? Well, yeah, but you can't explain that to him when he's dragging you and stomping you. Would he be the alpha male of the group?
- [13:35]
Jane Goodall
He was for a while. He's not anymore. He still even more perhaps likes to stomp around on people who are subordinate to him.
- [13:45]
Adam Carolla
And as far as the personality range, do they seem to vary just as much as human beings do?
- [13:53]
Jane Goodall
Yeah. Yeah, they do. You get nice, gentle ones, you get generous ones, you get relaxed ones, you get playful ones, crusty ones. Just the same. So, same range.
- [14:04]
Adam Carolla
And in the family unit, what is their family unit like? I mean, you have a mom and you have a dad and you have the offspring.
- [14:13]
Jane Goodall
Not like that.
- [14:13]
Adam Carolla
You have A community of about 50. Like Hillary Clinton, they all are raised by like a village, what do they call it?
- [14:22]
Jane Goodall
You have a community of 50, you have a group of males who are very well bonded with each other and they patrol the boundaries and protect the resources from neighbors looking out for jaguars, move out in an aggressive way to enlarge their territory and attack their neighbors. Which kind of sounds familiar, doesn't it?
- [14:45]
Adam Carolla
Sure.
- [14:46]
Jane Goodall
And then within the community there are mothers and their families sometimes getting together and traveling together, sometimes in big groups. But there are no lasting bonds between non related adult males and females.
- [15:03]
Adam Carolla
Gotta bring my wife out to that movie, explain to her how things work in the real world.
- [15:08]
Jane Goodall
Well, yeah, you have females who are sexually receptive mated by most or even all of the adult males. Some are more sexually appealing than others.
- [15:20]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Do they, have they got good looking chimps and ugly chimps in your experience?
- [15:25]
Jane Goodall
Well, the ones that look beautiful to me are not necessarily perceived in the same way by other chimpanzees who probably are most. Well, I hate to call her ugly. She certainly wasn't beautiful. And yet she was the most secular popular female that we've ever known at.
- [15:44]
Adam Carolla
God, like high school. Allison.
- [15:47]
Jane Goodall
She had what we used to call it.
- [15:49]
Adam Carolla
Aha.
- [15:50]
Allison Rosen
And what was it?
- [15:52]
Jane Goodall
Well, she wasn't afraid of the males when they quartered her and actually she quite sought it. She was willing and seemed to have fun.
- [16:07]
Adam Carolla
Tramp stamps.
- [16:10]
Jane Goodall
Reproductively successful.
- [16:13]
Adam Carolla
Wow. Flo.
- [16:14]
Jane Goodall
Her name was Flo.
- [16:16]
Adam Carolla
Well, now her name. You named her Flo though, right?
- [16:18]
Jane Goodall
I named her Floating.
- [16:20]
Adam Carolla
You named how many?
- [16:21]
Allison Rosen
She called herself Sally.
- [16:24]
Adam Carolla
How many? What was her porn name? That's the real question.
- [16:28]
Jane Goodall
What?
- [16:29]
Adam Carolla
I said what was her poor name? It's not in good taste. Jane. No, they were all good names, all good names.
- [16:36]
Jane Goodall
How many have we named Zombie over the years? Probably close to 200. That includes little ones that didn't live very long.
- [16:45]
Adam Carolla
What is the life expectancy of a chimpanzee?
- [16:48]
Jane Goodall
Chimps in the wild, probably not too many live more than 50 in captivity, quite a number live over 60.
- [16:59]
Adam Carolla
Do you feel like they should be in captivity or are you against that?
- [17:03]
Jane Goodall
Well, they shouldn't be, but they are. And if you actually think from a chimp's point of view, freedom in the forest of Africa sounds wonderful. But unless you're in a protected area like Gombe, you're in a situation where tragically, forests are disappearing, human populations are growing, logging companies are moving in, chimpanzees are hunted for food or for the live animal trade. So unless you're protected. It's not such a rosy situation. And then in captivity you've got the medical research labs, five foot by five foot cages, which is unspeakable. Sure, you have the bad zoos, the roadside zoos, the horrible training for circus, the unfortunate situation of captive chimps. And then you get the really good zoos which have money. Chimps there have an enriched environment, a good social group, caring keepers and an adoring public so they don't do too badly.
- [18:05]
Adam Carolla
You want to be at a good zoo. Like if you're at a zoo where they're spray painting a donkey to look like a zebra, that's not a good zoo. Well, the movie is going to be shown in 500 movie theaters across the country. It is this Tuesday, September 27th, 8pm Guests include Dave Matthews, Angelina Jolie. Must be nice. You get to be the darling of all those cool people because you get to be the coolest of all the celebrities because you're out living it.
- [18:35]
Jane Goodall
Well, you know, the thing is about the celebrities that there are millions of people, for example, who are Dave Matthews fans. They haven't heard of Jane Goodall, but if they hear Dave Matthews is going to be, you know, with Jane Goodall, maybe they'll have a look and decide to go to the film. And then hopefully they learn a whole new way of thinking about the world. They learn a little bit about more than they know about what damage we're doing to the planet. And hopefully they decide they'll join us and try to make a difference.
- [19:14]
Adam Carolla
Charlize Theron will be there. That'll be worth it for a watch too. And our own Dawson is going to be the announcer. The website for tickets is fathomevents.com f a t h o m events.com Jane, this has been a thrill. Next time I'm in Africa, swing by the tent, say hi, ride a Jaguar.
- [19:37]
Jane Goodall
You probably won't find me there. I'm 300 days a year on the road. But you'll be welcome anyway by our wonderful team.
- [19:45]
Adam Carolla
Thanks. Jane Goodall, everybody. Doing the Lord's work. Imagine. Mom. Hey, Mom. I'm a good looking blonde. I want to go hang out in Africa for a while.
- [19:55]
Allison Rosen
All right, I'll go with you.
- [19:57]
Adam Carolla
Would you like some tea first? Shall I go? Yeah. Mom, I can't. They won't let me hang here alone. Can you leave England and come on out? Hang here in Africa.
- [20:08]
Allison Rosen
Okay. When are we leaving? Let me grab my rucksack.
- [20:11]
Adam Carolla
Oh, I asked my mom to get down a fucking shoebox with A couple pictures and. Ah, the humanity.
- [20:17]
Brian Bishop
Maybe the key is aiming higher. And then she would have done more things for her, like, mom, we'll go to Africa with Jane Goodall and the chimps. I don't think so. How about a ride to. To the movie theater?
- [20:26]
Adam Carolla
Oh, sure.
- [20:26]
Brian Bishop
That's easy.
- [20:27]
Adam Carolla
I'll do that. That's what I should have done. Yeah. When any of those pictures from the shoebox up in her closet. I should have started off with Mom. I need. You know, I'm having a barn raising over at the house, and I need you to come on by. Oh, bad back. All right, I'll tell you what I need. Some pictures in a shoebox. Yeah, you should start every favor, whether it's helping to move or pictures in a shoebox with, I'm doing a barn raising. And then. And then work your way down to. All right. I just need a ride. Will you help me move a sofa on Saturday? That'd be cool.
- [20:59]
Allison Rosen
Evidently. When my dad was dating my mom, he said, how would you feel if I told you I had five kids? And then I don't know what she said. And he's like, I don't. I just have two. Because he has. I have older half brothers. So he started high.
- [21:11]
Adam Carolla
Oh, he started high?
- [21:12]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. And then whittled down.
- [21:13]
Adam Carolla
Oh, I thought he was gonna do one of those things where a 55 Corvette was one of his kids.
- [21:18]
Allison Rosen
No, but that would have been good.
- [21:20]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. So your dad had two kids?
- [21:22]
Allison Rosen
Yes.
- [21:23]
Adam Carolla
And started with five.
- [21:25]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [21:25]
Adam Carolla
He's like, how would you feel if.
- [21:26]
Allison Rosen
I said, I have five kids. I have two.
- [21:28]
Adam Carolla
Right. I like that. But you weren't one of them.
- [21:30]
Allison Rosen
No, I wasn't born yet, so that world doesn't exist to me.
- [21:34]
Adam Carolla
But then she wanted one of her own, and that's where you come in. Right.
- [21:37]
Allison Rosen
Two of her own. And that's where my sister and I come in.
- [21:39]
Adam Carolla
She didn't want your sister. That was a mistake.
- [21:42]
Allison Rosen
She would never say that. Yeah, pretty much.
- [21:44]
Adam Carolla
You know?
- [21:45]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. I was like the golden.
- [21:46]
Adam Carolla
All right, should we mop up with a little news? By the way? Live from the International News center, next to Donny's Mini Bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen. Universal CityWalk, by the way, tonight with Doug Benson out on stage, Ontario Improv. David Koechner and Dana Gould coming up this coming Tuesday as well. Tabernacle in Atlanta doing the standup on the 30th of September in Ferguson Hall, Tampa Bay, on the 31st. All right, now, you know what it.
- [22:21]
Allison Rosen
Means if Doug Benson's gonna be there. It means I'm gonna get my ass kicked in that TiVo game.
- [22:25]
Adam Carolla
Yes. And a good contact tie.
- [22:27]
Allison Rosen
Mm. The Charlie Sheen roast was the highest rated roast ever for Comedy Central. 6.4 million people watched it. It was Comedy Central's number one telecast for viewers aged 18 to 49. Meanwhile, so the big night for Charlie Sheen. He was not in the season premiere of Two and a Half Men, however, it was all about his character's death. And that got 27.8 million viewers, which is like more than anything in the whole world. To put that number in context, that single episode was seen by more people than any game of last year's world, last year's World Series, more than the college basketball finals, and more than the title game in the National Basketball association finals. It was the most watched episode of any comedy on television since the final episode of Everybody loves Raymond in 2005. It was also the most watched episode of Two and a Half Men ever.
- [23:20]
Adam Carolla
Well, anyway, as I've said, it's just great to see that Kutcher kid catch a break for a change. You know, for all he's been through, all the loves and loss.
- [23:31]
Allison Rosen
Well, it's just great to know that this don't matter.
- [23:33]
Adam Carolla
Nah, he's landed on his feet. It's awesome. Yeah, I watched it.
- [23:38]
Allison Rosen
The roast or the Two and a Half Men?
- [23:39]
Adam Carolla
Well, Jeff Ross said, well, the Two and a Half Men is on before the roast, and then it leads right into the rose. Like, it's perfect. It's a perfect lead in. It's not on the same channel, obviously, but you can watch Two and a Half Men and then go, oh, fuck, I'm gonna watch the roast.
- [23:52]
Allison Rosen
Right. So what do you think?
- [23:55]
Adam Carolla
You know, it's a. Sitcoms are like diner food. There's better diner food, and then there's kind of greasy, shitty diner food. There's sort of bad, you know, truck stop or bad Denny's diner food. And then there's better breakfast joint diner food.
- [24:14]
Allison Rosen
It's still like, there's norms or there's Mimi's Cafe, right?
- [24:17]
Adam Carolla
And it's still eggs and it's still hash browns, and it's still toast, and it's still the same fare. It's just a little bit better. And sitcoms are the same, you know, four cameras and a laugh track and the same jokes in the entrance. And, you know, they're all the same. And, you know, the single cameras vary a little bit, but the four camera, meaning the in front of a live studio audience variety, they're always the same. Some are just a little bit better than the other, but they're the same nothing.
- [24:47]
Allison Rosen
Work of Assad Kelada.
- [24:49]
Adam Carolla
Same age.
- [24:49]
Allison Rosen
He did Facts of Life.
- [24:50]
Adam Carolla
Yes. So. Oh, I thought that was something that was served up at the diner. Is that the one that has the spinach and then the hollandaise sauce?
- [24:58]
Allison Rosen
He also starred opposite Aziz Ansari and is Vijay.
- [25:02]
Adam Carolla
The point is this. It's fine. It's just jokes, you know, it's joke, joke, joke.
- [25:09]
Allison Rosen
And weren't you happy that they decided to keep the beach house with the.
- [25:12]
Adam Carolla
Astragal, teastrical, astral or flat astragal on those French doors? Or as I call them, what, freedom doors?
- [25:23]
Allison Rosen
Teastrical and flat astragals.
- [25:25]
Adam Carolla
What are you laughing at, Brian?
- [25:26]
Brian Bishop
I like the way you expected us.
- [25:27]
Adam Carolla
To know that because I'm more American than you.
- [25:29]
Allison Rosen
Don't you think teastragal and flat astragal sound like things that people would do in a porn? Like, oh, does she do a flat astragal? Yeah, she does.
- [25:35]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Well, listen, I thought Jane Goodall's movie sounded like a porn movie, too. I just didn't want to screw with her.
- [25:42]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, I know.
- [25:43]
Brian Bishop
Felt like the roast was the most publicized roast maybe ever. I saw the most ads for it. Maybe that's why.
- [25:49]
Allison Rosen
More than you've seen for Whitney?
- [25:51]
Adam Carolla
No, no, no.
- [25:52]
Allison Rosen
Now, is that just happening here in la?
- [25:54]
Adam Carolla
I closed my eyelids and they put them. They pasted them, the inside of my eyelids, right? Yes, right.
- [25:59]
Allison Rosen
On this one it says half of all marriages end. And then on your right eyelid it says, in Switzerland.
- [26:04]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [26:07]
Allison Rosen
Now, is that happening everywhere or just in la?
- [26:09]
Adam Carolla
You do have to think about that because you're like, wow, I just passed this place. I passed five of these things from Burbank driving over here to Glendale, and then I passed 10 more. And then I do always have that thought with movies, especially shitty movies and sitcoms, too, where you go, wow, my pants. They've papered Hollywood with this. And then you go, wait a minute. That can't. It's gotta be Orange County. Wait a minute. It's gotta be Nevada. Oh, no, it's gotta be Nebraska.
- [26:35]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, if you drive to Las Vegas. Are they plastered on cactuses? Cacti. Where would they put them?
- [26:42]
Adam Carolla
I have no idea. All I know is she's skinny and she's reasonably funny, and doggone it, we're gonna ride this fucking mule to the bank.
- [26:51]
Allison Rosen
What'd you think of the roast?
- [26:55]
Adam Carolla
Standard roast seemed good. I watched about 40 minutes of it. Jeff was good, everyone was good. And like I said, they now just keep it to the whatever length. Back when I did it would do them. There were 20 minutes of freeform, whatever, and they would chop them all up. And by the way, poor Tommy Davidson got completely chopped out of the Hefner roast. I was in, and I had to ride home on the plane with him, thankfully, before we knew it. You want to talk about.
- [27:23]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, I don't even know who that is.
- [27:25]
Adam Carolla
Well, you want to know why you don't know who it is?
- [27:27]
Allison Rosen
Because he got cut out of the roast.
- [27:28]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I got. First off, I got two words for you. Pazone. Wait, maybe one more. One weird word.
- [27:36]
Brian Bishop
One apostrophe word.
- [27:37]
Adam Carolla
Puh. Zone. Okay.
- [27:39]
Allison Rosen
Toss between a piano and a calzone.
- [27:42]
Adam Carolla
Tommy Davidson, I got one word for you in living color.
- [27:47]
Allison Rosen
Oh, keep going.
- [27:50]
Adam Carolla
Pazone in color.
- [27:53]
Allison Rosen
Was he in a Pazone commercial?
- [27:54]
Adam Carolla
He. I think he was the inventor of the pizone. You kidding?
- [27:59]
Brian Bishop
Doesn't need to work another day in his life.
- [28:00]
Adam Carolla
He used to do the pizzone thing, and then he. I think he was in living color. He was in that group and he was a stand up comedian and he was kind of well known and original cast member. He did the Hefner roast and he was pretty bad, and they cut him out wholesale. Normally, if you get up there and you do 10 minutes and, you know, not all of it's great, they chop it down to two minutes, but you're in the roast. That can't be what you call confidence builder. No, you've been completely cut out like a cancer from the roast.
- [28:33]
Allison Rosen
Like, roasted you.
- [28:35]
Adam Carolla
It's also got to be weird, too, when you're telling people the week before, no, I got to fly out to New York. I got to do the Hefner roast. Yeah. Kimmel was there and Corolla was there, and this guy was there and that guy was there and. And Gilbert Godfrey and blah, blah, blah. And then a week later, one of your friends calls you and said, didn't you do that Hefner roast? That's why you think you did do the Hefner roast.
- [28:53]
Allison Rosen
Never tell your friends anything.
- [28:55]
Brian Bishop
Do they do the same thing with roast appearances as they do with, like, you mentioned, when publicists do the Tonight show thing? You better book my client or else you won't get my A list client. I'm trying to explain why Tommy Davidson was cut out of one, but Jeff Garland's entire shtick was left in one when that probably should never have seen the light of day.
- [29:16]
Allison Rosen
Like Was he a barnacle on someone else's head?
- [29:18]
Adam Carolla
Was Jeff Garland not funny?
- [29:20]
Brian Bishop
He did a sht where he pretended to be someone's agent and he did the entire thing in character.
- [29:24]
Adam Carolla
That and not funny.
- [29:25]
Allison Rosen
What do you mean? Sounds hilarious.
- [29:26]
Adam Carolla
That's not Jeff Garland. I know.
- [29:28]
Ray Oldhoffer
Come on.
- [29:28]
Adam Carolla
No, that was another one of those things where when we would do crank Yankers on rare occasion, somebody wouldn't get a call on, like you'd go sit with them for six hours in Vegas in a recording room, and then you'd get back and then like four months later they'd go, hey, wow, how'd my calls work out? And he'd be like, I saw Jeff Garland when I was in. Jimmy and I were in New York many years ago, like 12, 13 years ago. We went to go hang out with Jon Stewart and we went to Caroline's to see Jon Stewart perform. And Jeff Garland opened for Jon Stewart and he pulled up a stool and he told like a 20 minute story about Reese's Pieces or something. And at some point, Jimmy and I looked at each other. We didn't know that much about the business. I had never. I'd never seen Jeff Garland in my life. I had no idea who he was, but I was like, this guy must be. He must be Jon Stewart's cousin or a family member or. I don't. I'm not familiar enough with the stand up scene. I don't know how this works. I'm not sure. Look at my twins in that picture, by the way.
- [30:40]
Allison Rosen
Look at them.
- [30:40]
Adam Carolla
They're so fucking cute.
- [30:42]
Allison Rosen
I don't think I've ever seen, seen photos of them when they were little like that. Maybe I have, but they're really cute.
- [30:46]
Adam Carolla
They're gonna eat those two shits. Yeah.
- [30:48]
Allison Rosen
In a bread bowl. A bread bassinet.
- [30:51]
Adam Carolla
Bread bassinet. One of the greatest 80s songs ever. Bread bassinet.
- [30:59]
Brian Bishop
Power Palad.
- [31:00]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. German band, Right. I was sitting there saying to Jimmy, what is this guy doing? Like, who is this guy? Like, I don't get it. I don't. Isn't he supposed to tell jokes? He's just hanging out. And I just assumed he was a friend of Jon Stewart or a family member of Jon Stewart who was hanging out. I didn't get that he was a comedian at all. I had no idea it was opening for Jon Stewart. It wasn't enough. And he's a fine actor. He's always nice to me, but.
- [31:32]
Caller or Listener
Not funny.
- [31:33]
Jane Goodall
Really?
- [31:34]
Adam Carolla
Yes. Well, I've not seen. Please don't tell anyone. I've not seen evidence of it.
- [31:38]
Brian Bishop
But he's a good actor, though. Fine actor.
- [31:40]
Adam Carolla
Fine actor. Makes a lot of money.
- [31:42]
Allison Rosen
Did he have a good stand up career?
- [31:45]
Adam Carolla
Not from where I was sitting, no. But it was, I was confused more than anything. I didn't know what was going on. I mean, don't get me wrong, I just stand around and tell stories too. I'm not hilarious either. But stories have a beginning and an end.
- [32:01]
Brian Bishop
Back to my question. Do you think that publicists do a thing where you want Pam Anderson to come to this roast? Do better.
- [32:07]
Allison Rosen
Hilarious roast for Pam Anderson or whoever.
- [32:09]
Brian Bishop
Some A list star, Someone who's gonna get eyeballs.
- [32:14]
Adam Carolla
I really don't know how these things work. I know they have a few people that they go to. I know Comedy Central wants to promote their people because they want you to then watch their people on their network after the roast or the following week or whatever it is. So Comedy Central oftentimes has a vested interest on what personalities they put right.
- [32:36]
Allison Rosen
Like they're developing a show with Anthony Jeselnik and he was on There they are.
- [32:41]
Adam Carolla
Well, there you go. So they'll go put him on because it's not like America's, like, it's not like people are out front chanting Jeselnik or, you know, it's not America's clamoring for more Jeselnik. But they have a vested interest.
- [32:54]
Allison Rosen
Or maybe they got to know him through the roast. I don't know because he's done the roast. But before. But still there's that, that relationship.
- [33:01]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Greg, Geraldo is missed, that's for damn sure. But good times. See, I, I watched my first episode. I, I, I busted my Chariot of Two and a Half Men. I watched the whole thing and Will.
- [33:14]
Allison Rosen
You be tuning in next week?
- [33:16]
Adam Carolla
No, because it's a four camera sitcom and who gives a. They just tell jokes, you know, and again, some better than others, but it's just jokes.
- [33:23]
Allison Rosen
Did you watch 2 Broke Girls? But you didn't.
- [33:26]
Adam Carolla
I did.
- [33:26]
Allison Rosen
Did you like it?
- [33:28]
Adam Carolla
It's just, it's the same thing. You got the one chick who's the deb and she's from, you know, she's Blair Midtown. She's Blair. And then you have Joe and she works hard for a living, you know, and the other one, it's, you know, oh, what if we took Paris Hilton and put her together with some tough country chick who really knew? Except for the country chick's hotter than she is. She's a brunette, so she can't be. And it's all going to be jokes about how she doesn't understand how things work for poor people. And it's all good stuff, you know.
- [34:00]
Allison Rosen
You don't see enough of anymore people who are frumpy and wear glasses, and then they take their glasses off and let their hair down, and then they're hot.
- [34:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Although I'm about to do it.
- [34:09]
Allison Rosen
Are you?
- [34:09]
Adam Carolla
Coincidentally. Yeah. This is also going to be one of those sitcoms that somebody in two years mentions. And you go, oh, yeah, I remember those billboards.
- [34:18]
Ray Oldhoffer
Right.
- [34:20]
Allison Rosen
I was gonna say, like Blossom, except Blossom was around forever.
- [34:23]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [34:23]
Allison Rosen
So not like Blossom, but what's six doing these days? Sometimes I stay up at night wondering. On Wednesday, a Wisconsin judge sentenced Luciana Rischel to 30 months probation and 90 days in prison for dripping Visine solution into her dorm mate's water bottle on several occasions. Rischel, a student at Fox Valley Technical College, shared a dorm room on the University of Wisconsin campus during October of 2010 with her soon to be prank victim, Brianna Cherrapata. At the time, Cherapata's doctor was unable to diagnose her nausea, diarrhea, loss of appetite, and fatigue.
- [35:00]
Adam Carolla
So she lost a couple pounds.
- [35:02]
Brian Bishop
It's quite a prank.
- [35:03]
Allison Rosen
It's like she could. Yeah, I know. It's hilarious.
- [35:05]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. It was like Wedding Crashers. Put a couple drops in there.
- [35:09]
Allison Rosen
Well, exactly. And that's what inspired this prank. The judge said, this may seem harsh, but what you did was very serious. And you need to understand there are very serious consequences for your behavior. And you can't just slide by on this. When police confronted Richel about her actions, she confessed, explaining that she got the idea from the 2005 comedy Wedding Crashers.
- [35:29]
Adam Carolla
Well, how did the police confront her? Like, did somebody go, you know what?
- [35:34]
Caller or Listener
You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.
- [35:36]
Adam Carolla
I smell a stinky Visine dropper. Yeah.
- [35:40]
Allison Rosen
I mean, her eyes are so clear.
- [35:42]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [35:43]
Adam Carolla
But she's got jaundice. Bloodshot soul.
- [35:47]
Allison Rosen
Evidently, she had bragged to someone they went to school with. And that person.
- [35:52]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. So you put the drops in there and you get the diarrhea.
- [35:56]
Allison Rosen
I guess I've never done this nor had it done to me, and I don't want it done to me.
- [36:00]
Adam Carolla
I get it. And the thing about movies that always kind of fucks this up is they do it in real time. Like, they put the drops in there, and then the person takes a sip and then sets it down. And then you hear the. And then a second later, you see their face look worried, and then they shit Themselves.
- [36:15]
Allison Rosen
Man, I love diarrhea. Movies.
- [36:17]
Adam Carolla
Stuff kicks in. Usually. Usually some hours later. Now, I don't know how it works with Visine. Like, with food poisoning. It's hours and hours after you eat said soft shell crab. Or we were talking earlier about clam chowder. The bad clams I ate at the man show. That all kicked in after the bachelor party.
- [36:38]
Brian Bishop
By the way, does a prank stop being a prank and become like assault on someone's gastrointestinal system?
- [36:43]
Allison Rosen
I'd say Visine in the water bottle repeatedly. No, it's not funny at all.
- [36:47]
Adam Carolla
No. I think you have to sort of dislike your roommate. You know, Jimmy put shaving cream in my toothpaste thing, and I used it for, like, a week. Here's how you know I'm a bad.
- [36:59]
Allison Rosen
How did it take a week for you to realize something?
- [37:01]
Adam Carolla
I'm a bad guy to play pranks on. Because eventually I have to come up to me and go, hey, idiot, does your toothpaste taste like shit or not? Yeah, it kind of does. You want to know why it tastes like shit? Yeah. Because we fucking shove shaving cream up into it. You've been brushing your teeth with shaving cream? Oh, yeah. Seemed weird.
- [37:23]
Allison Rosen
But anyway, that would not be fulfilling for the prankster.
- [37:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I've also brushed my teeth with Vagisil, but that was unintentional.
- [37:31]
Allison Rosen
Which was worse or better?
- [37:34]
Brian Bishop
Brush your teeth with Vagisil sounds like a euphemism for going.
- [37:37]
Allison Rosen
It really does. Yeah.
- [37:39]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Let me tell you.
- [37:40]
Allison Rosen
Do you ever brush your teeth with Massingil?
- [37:42]
Adam Carolla
When I'm done with this broad, I'll be brushing my teeth with Vagisil. You could floss with a tampon whiner. Diner 69er. And then it's right down to Vagisil City.
- [37:52]
Allison Rosen
See that? This is when you make that gesture with the V in the tongue.
- [37:55]
Adam Carolla
Right?
- [37:56]
Allison Rosen
Okay.
- [37:57]
Adam Carolla
All right.
- [37:58]
Allison Rosen
Now, here's the kicker, though. The judge ruled that Richel, a nursing student with no previous criminal record, not pursue a job in health care while on probation. Probably this is the kind of person who is going into medicine.
- [38:11]
Adam Carolla
You know, Let me say something about pranks. Most all the pranks I've been involved with, on the winning end and on the losing end sound pretty bad, but when you kind of just get down into them, they all seem like a good idea at the time.
- [38:28]
Allison Rosen
I mean, that's your defense? They seemed like a good idea at the time.
- [38:30]
Adam Carolla
We've done pranks on our friends that involved that were just basically assault. I mean, it wasn't even a prank.
- [38:36]
Allison Rosen
I'm gonna need to hear an example.
- [38:37]
Adam Carolla
I mean, we physically assaulted people. I mean, we've taken guys that we've known in the middle of the football field, tackled them, tore them down, tore their underpants off. You know, it was a vicious attack. And so that they were standing naked in the middle of our high school football field and had to start running for a trash can later or something. That was funny. Now when that comes out in court transcripts, it's gonna sound like a violent and vicious assault.
- [39:04]
Allison Rosen
And when it comes out on a podcast, it sounds like that.
- [39:07]
Adam Carolla
Huh?
- [39:07]
Allison Rosen
It does sound like that.
- [39:09]
Adam Carolla
Well, that's the kind of stuff. Look, you're talking to guys that, you know, fecal matter shoved into his ear.
- [39:14]
Allison Rosen
That's funny.
- [39:16]
Adam Carolla
And a lot of things we've done have been, you know, I mean, Ray threw a knife at me, and it stuck into my kn.
- [39:22]
Allison Rosen
Not funny.
- [39:25]
Adam Carolla
He took an entire sack of gold metal flour and threw it into my industrial fan that was in my room in my dad's house. And you couldn't see your hand in front of your face.
- [39:35]
Allison Rosen
Like a snowstorm.
- [39:36]
Adam Carolla
He took a huge shit on the carpet right in front of the door. My room. So my dad opened the door. He just saw Ray. Shit.
- [39:42]
Allison Rosen
I want to say not funny, but I'm laughing.
- [39:44]
Adam Carolla
I had guys just get together and stand over my bed and just pee on it. Like, they were just emptying themselves, you know, like they're standing at Dodger Stadium pissing it into a trough.
- [39:53]
Allison Rosen
Apparently, I draw the line at urine. Not funny.
- [39:55]
Adam Carolla
I took a M80 and I put it in a big lemon, and I rolled it into my buddy Carl's apartment and blew it up. And it blew. Carl was an artist, so he had his paintings all over the. All over the apartment. And the pulp blew all over his paintings. And the acid or whatever was in it just fucked up the paintings.
- [40:15]
Allison Rosen
So he was kind of sad. Were his paintings good?
- [40:17]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, he was pretty good artist. So he was. He was really. He was. He was pretty pissed about that. Ray was. That's Carl in the middle. Ray was lighting.
- [40:27]
Brian Bishop
Why is Derek Jeter there?
- [40:28]
Adam Carolla
Ray was lighting a. Carl, that's you on the left. Yeah, that's me on the left.
- [40:33]
Allison Rosen
Oh, God.
- [40:34]
Adam Carolla
I was a big football dude back then.
- [40:36]
Allison Rosen
Look at the sideburns and mustache. And.
- [40:38]
Adam Carolla
Well, it's a Halloween. Halloween picture.
- [40:40]
Allison Rosen
Who were you?
- [40:42]
Adam Carolla
Who wasn't I. It's a Halloween. I don't know. I was going as, like, a 70s swinger. I know.
- [40:48]
Allison Rosen
You were going for the Indeterminate costume. But just. It was a costume.
- [40:51]
Adam Carolla
Well, you see, there's a guy dressed like a pilot, a guy dressed like a pirate, and a guy dressed like a Viking. Right. So it wasn't just Saturday night.
- [40:58]
Allison Rosen
No, I know, I know. But what I'm saying is, what was your costume?
- [41:02]
Adam Carolla
It's a swinging 70s guy, like, you know.
- [41:05]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, yeah.
- [41:06]
Allison Rosen
Indeterminate costume. Just not yet.
- [41:08]
Ray Oldhoffer
Were you called Vic Vegas?
- [41:09]
Caller or Listener
Is that.
- [41:09]
Adam Carolla
I may have been Vic Vegas. Yeah. I was like. I was a swinging lounge act or something. I had Tiparillos. And I don't remember where he took that picture, but fully formed character. Oh, yeah. I'd worked it all out. Yeah. Point is this, but he was hesitant to see. You know, Ray was lighting a cigarette on the back of Todd's motorcycle and Todd punched it and Ray fell off, you know, barefoot. You know, it's funny. It all seemed funny at the time. Yeah, we've done a lot of that stuff. Listen, I had a marshmallow fully engulfed in flames. Fully. You know, when you set a marshmallow on fire, it makes a noise, like when it burns, like it burns like a torch. I had it completely, completely engulfed in flames. Lit it on the burner. When we were babysitting. I had, like, on a coat hanger. I started doing my fire eating thing and. Oh, it's Adam the great. The great fire eater. I was doing that, you know, thing, and Ray was standing next to me.
- [42:07]
Allison Rosen
Oh, my gosh.
- [42:08]
Adam Carolla
And Ray smacked my elbow and a fucking flaming marshmallow stuck the side of my face.
- [42:13]
Allison Rosen
Who was watching? The kids? He was asleep or was he babysitting you?
- [42:19]
Adam Carolla
He was asleep. They used to put him to sleep half time before I got there. So all I did was eat pie filling and, you know, roast marshmallows.
- [42:26]
Allison Rosen
Wait, did you get a scar or anything from your marshmallow?
- [42:28]
Adam Carolla
I had a blister.
- [42:29]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [42:29]
Adam Carolla
Blisters on the side of my face. Yeah. When you take a flaming marshmallow and stick it inside your face, it leaves a mark. I feel like some of these pranks.
- [42:35]
Brian Bishop
Are more creative than others.
- [42:37]
Adam Carolla
Oh, Jimmy's done horrible shit to people.
- [42:39]
Allison Rosen
I mean, sure, you were in a fraternity, Brian. Did you ever do this kind of stuff? Do you swallow goldfish or paddle anyone? Rape anyone?
- [42:47]
Brian Bishop
We did some psychological torture for sure, but hazing, none of that can be talked about. Nothing physical, though? No, nothing on the physical. There's always psychological anguish.
- [42:56]
Adam Carolla
Anyone who fell asleep, passed out, get duct taped, get cocks drawn on the face with Sharpies, you know, balls on the face, pictures taken, you know, the regular. If you had a camera at a party and you left it around, it would always go into the bathroom. Ray would to photograph his balls up close, get it into the mix and then when you and your mom picked it up from the Thrifties two weeks later. Cause we'd just go to chicks parties, you know, we'd be at someone's party, like a nice party, 21st birthday or something. As soon as the camera got set down, the camera gets snuck into the bathroom. Lots of ball sack shots and then right back in its place on the counter. And it would be in amongst, you know, be picture 21, 22 and 23, a bit of Ray's sack. And then the rest would be back to them enjoying the party with the family.
- [43:38]
Allison Rosen
There's a certain art to that, I think.
- [43:39]
Adam Carolla
There is.
- [43:40]
Allison Rosen
See, one time my friends threw a giant thing of depends into my cart when we were all shopping together. And I walked around not realizing why everyone was laughing for a while. That's like really the most prank I've been a part of or had done to me. I'd like to leave it like that.
- [43:55]
Adam Carolla
Ours involved assault, fecal matter and. Fecal matter and assault. And he. I climbed inside a dryer, the coin op laundromat and they shut the thing on me.
- [44:06]
Allison Rosen
What happened to you?
- [44:07]
Adam Carolla
It's painful.
- [44:08]
Allison Rosen
Cats have died that way.
- [44:10]
Adam Carolla
It's not a good thing.
- [44:11]
Allison Rosen
It's a good thing you didn't do it in a microwave.
- [44:12]
Adam Carolla
The hot air doesn't feel good.
- [44:14]
Allison Rosen
So did you twirl around?
- [44:16]
Adam Carolla
Yes. You don't have a choice.
- [44:18]
Caller or Listener
It's a good thing they at least.
- [44:19]
Allison Rosen
Put in fabric softener.
- [44:21]
Adam Carolla
I got the dryer sheet. I got one fucking sheet of bounce.
- [44:25]
Allison Rosen
That's not enough for you?
- [44:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, no, it was. It was you. Hang on. But the things have these ribs in them, these metal ribs to help throw the put clothes around. And they protrude like two, three inches. And you don't really think about that part about the size. It's bigger than a trash can. It's pretty, pretty good size. You get in there, you try to steady yourself, but the hot air and those ribs coming out and it just starts spraying hot air at you. You feel like shit.
- [44:51]
Allison Rosen
It's a shame they didn't put on air fluff that you could have withstood.
- [44:55]
Adam Carolla
Now listen, I know those.
- [44:56]
Allison Rosen
You're looking at balls.
- [44:58]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Whose balls are those?
- [45:00]
Allison Rosen
That's a Robert Frost poem.
- [45:04]
Adam Carolla
Find out whose balls are we. Whose balls are we looking at those Were the.
- [45:09]
Caller or Listener
That was one of the pictures I.
- [45:10]
Ray Oldhoffer
Inherited when I took over the live show from Donnie.
- [45:12]
Caller or Listener
So those are someone's balls, you know?
- [45:14]
Adam Carolla
No, I know who one of those balls are. I know. The guy on the left. Ball.
- [45:19]
Brian Bishop
One pair of balls or one ball?
- [45:21]
Adam Carolla
Ball. The whole ball. Yeah, yeah. I don't know who the other balls are.
- [45:24]
Allison Rosen
Wait, the guy on photo left or the guy that we're. The. The guy with the swatch.
- [45:28]
Adam Carolla
You know what? I've said enough. All right, let's move forward.
- [45:32]
Allison Rosen
The swatch and the jelly bracelet. Whose balls are those?
- [45:35]
Adam Carolla
I know they're not my balls because whoever. They're both. They're. They're too snappy a dresser for me. I did not. I never wore, like, the vests and things like that. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for bald Bryan, Jane Goodall and Allison Rosen saying mahalo. Hey, mom, I'm a good looking blonde. I want to go hang out in Africa for a while. All right.
- [46:03]
All right. That was adam Cruella show 659. Rest in peace, Jane. Coming up next, and not intentionally as some sort of ironic ape joke, we have adam Cruella show 677. It's Halloween stories featuring Adam's buddy Ray oldhoffer, also from 2011.
- [46:17]
This is September. CBS hits are streaming. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Man day. Get it on. And welcome to a special Halloween episode of the show. Brought in my buddy Ray old hoffer. Why? Because he was here, too. Because you guys demanded him. And we. We've had a few Halloweens together.
- [46:43]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yes, Ray, I'll say. We can't remember half of them, but yeah, we did.
- [46:48]
Adam Carolla
One of the things I appreciate most about Ray is one Halloween, I decided to go as Mr. T. And there's an actual picture if you go to anamcarolla.com me. Mr. T. And Ray decided to go as a Hare Krishna. But Ray was what you call spontaneous guy. And I was over at my buddy Snake's condo, and he was shaving my head for Mr. T. And he was giving himself a mohawk because he was going as a Mohawk Indian. And Ray, you just showed up and said, I'll go Hare Krishna. And your hair, absolutely your hair was long at that point, like eight inches or something. Ray had long Kevin Bacon hair, and he shaved all of it off and just left the little ponytail in the back. And let me tell you something, kids with your. With your bald heads and all your cool guys and your bald leaders like Michael Jordan and guys like that. Bald was weird.
- [47:46]
Ray Oldhoffer
Bald was scary.
- [47:48]
Adam Carolla
This is 1983, people. We're talking. Bald is some. Bald is when they're putting electrodes on your head. Bald is jail. Yeah. Bald is. If you ever see Full Metal Jacket. Basically talking about Pyle, the fucked up guy from Full Metal Jacket who gets the. You know, Gets the cot beating.
- [48:08]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, yeah.
- [48:09]
Adam Carolla
Puts the shotgun in his mouth. Puts a rifle in his mouth. Yeah, that. That was bald. Bald was weird. So to go bald back then was a commitment statement. Of course, I had to go bald, too, because there's nothing I could do with my Mr. T cut when I was done with Halloween.
- [48:25]
Ray Oldhoffer
You didn't go bald, though. You just let the sides. You would look fine. You just shaved the sides, right?
- [48:30]
Adam Carolla
I had to shave everything off.
- [48:32]
Ray Oldhoffer
I thought you just shaved the sides off and then it grew in. You looked fine.
- [48:35]
Adam Carolla
No, I didn't leave the. You looked like an 80s guy. I didn't leave the.
- [48:38]
Ray Oldhoffer
You shaved the whole thing off.
- [48:39]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah.
- [48:41]
Ray Oldhoffer
I need some proof.
- [48:43]
Adam Carolla
What am I gonna do? Leave a big fucking patch of pube hair on my lid? I had to get rid of it. I don't remember. You know, it was weird because I'm in a lot of conversations with my dad about employment, but he did say, I remember when I came home with my Mr. T haircut and beard, he just looked at me and he went, well, good luck getting a job. Now I remember. That was. I remember there was something about, you're already barely employable now you're not now. You fucking smeared shit on your head. Yeah.
- [49:15]
Ray Oldhoffer
That happened around the same dates. It was incredible.
- [49:18]
Adam Carolla
You gotta keep in mind that this is 1983 and it's the highest unemployment since now. Whenever they do those things where they go, worst unemployment since 1983. Well, that's the exact year we decided.
- [49:32]
Ray Oldhoffer
To shave our heads. I lived with my mother at the time, and I walked in the house and she just burst out into tears and ran into her room and wouldn't talk to me. The thing that was, ma, come out. Ma, just look at me. And would look at me and run back in a room crying.
- [49:46]
Adam Carolla
The thing that's crazy about the Hare Krishna is it was such a commitment back then. I mean, like I said, the head shave thing, no one gives a shit now. Back then, big deal.
- [49:57]
Ray Oldhoffer
And how about, like, half the people thought I really joined the church?
- [50:01]
Adam Carolla
That's my point. At Halloween parties, I'm not talking about walking through the mall the next day. I'm talking about at Halloween parties. That Night. People were like, oh, man, nice Cinderella outfit. Nice Wolfman outfit. Ray, you're Hare Krishna. You joined the church of Hare Krishna. And like, no, it's my outfit. But you shaved your head. And I was like, yep.
- [50:25]
Ray Oldhoffer
Or how about like the Red Sea would part for the beer line? Everybody was scared.
- [50:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah, Ray, you could just walk.
- [50:31]
Ray Oldhoffer
Up to the keg. It was like free.
- [50:33]
Adam Carolla
All it took was the wall buzzer and the orange sheet. And Ray was in.
- [50:38]
Ray Oldhoffer
And my sheet wasn't even orange, it was more red. You could find an orange one.
- [50:44]
Adam Carolla
Ah, simpler times. Yeah, Halloween was A good. And I remember that Halloween. Here was the justification for me and my Mr. T haircut. A, no job. B, no job. C, living in the garage. But D, it was one of those years where Halloween fell on like a Sunday, which meant parties for Halloween on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. See, there are times when Halloween falls on a Thursday or Wednesday or something, in which case you just have your Saturday night Halloween party or Monday where you just have a Saturday night Halloween party or something like that. Once in a while it lands in a sweet spot. Spot where you can get like three good Halloween parties out of the one Halloween night. And I think. I think it was. I think it was like, oh, there's a picture.
- [51:32]
Ray Oldhoffer
You see, Regan, Good.
- [51:36]
Adam Carolla
Again, I think we'll.
- [51:37]
Ray Oldhoffer
I'm about to cry.
- [51:38]
Adam Carolla
Put these.
- [51:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
I have a good head, though.
- [51:40]
Adam Carolla
You got a good bald head.
- [51:41]
Ray Oldhoffer
Mm.
- [51:42]
Adam Carolla
All right.
- [51:43]
Ray Oldhoffer
No weird divots.
- [51:44]
Adam Carolla
No, no, you look good. A lot of white guys can't pull that off. So that was one Halloween. We'll take your stories. I remember going to some valley parties. I was getting in a fight with a guy out in some driveway or something. I remember my dad being. He wasn't pissed off, but he was like, great, great, great use of your time. I remember Snake going as a Mohawk Indian. I remember being unemployable. Not. I think we're cleaning carpets at the time. Right, Ray?
- [52:18]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah. Well, we would lose money at the end of the week, right?
- [52:20]
Adam Carolla
We would go up the.
- [52:21]
Ray Oldhoffer
Fantastic.
- [52:22]
Adam Carolla
We'd go up to Donnie's house at the end of the night and just sit there and eat Stan's Chinese food till 4am and I think Donnie actually got the video camera out and got a few. Few shots of you being you.
- [52:35]
Ray Oldhoffer
Me being me. The predictions.
- [52:39]
Adam Carolla
I don't think, uh. Oh, Ray had predictions.
- [52:41]
Ray Oldhoffer
You did too.
- [52:42]
Adam Carolla
Did you have a ten year prediction?
- [52:44]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [52:44]
Adam Carolla
It wasn't this, was it?
- [52:46]
Ray Oldhoffer
I don't know. You're not gonna play it?
- [52:47]
Adam Carolla
No, Ray, don't make predictions on camera. You were gonna have your girlfriend back.
- [52:52]
Ray Oldhoffer
That happened.
- [52:53]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, but that happened for four months.
- [52:56]
Ray Oldhoffer
Well, no, everything went full swing. It wasn't exactly on the timeline.
- [53:01]
Adam Carolla
10 years. You weren't a famous actor, were you?
- [53:04]
Ray Oldhoffer
No, but you were.
- [53:05]
Adam Carolla
What was your. No, I wasn't. What was your predictions? You were gonna have your girlfriend back.
- [53:09]
Ray Oldhoffer
Gonna have my girlfriend back. Gonna have a. 10 bucks an hour. All those things came true.
- [53:16]
Adam Carolla
You have any other Halloween memories, Ray?
- [53:20]
Ray Oldhoffer
Remember when I was Conan?
- [53:22]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [53:22]
Ray Oldhoffer
When Renner the outfit and it was like putting on a football uniform and going out.
- [53:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I remember.
- [53:27]
Ray Oldhoffer
That was fantastic.
- [53:28]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, we got. There's a picture of that somewhere. There's a Ray's Conan.
- [53:33]
Ray Oldhoffer
Oh, I was black. Many times. Many times I was black.
- [53:37]
Adam Carolla
It was what we call simpler time.
- [53:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [53:40]
Adam Carolla
You know what I mean?
- [53:41]
Ray Oldhoffer
I went to school as black Halloween.
- [53:43]
Adam Carolla
Ray went to school in blackface for Halloween and maybe not even for Halloween.
- [53:50]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah. And hung with the brothers. You know, there was a time when.
- [53:53]
Adam Carolla
You were trying to convince all the black guys on the football team to go white and all the white guys to go black. That was a big deal.
- [53:59]
Ray Oldhoffer
Would have worked. You showed up, we would have won a game.
- [54:04]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Ray showed up to school in blackface.
- [54:08]
Ray Oldhoffer
And a hairnet.
- [54:09]
Adam Carolla
And a hairnet. And was not asked to leave, were you?
- [54:12]
Ray Oldhoffer
No, I was embraced by our brothers in junior high.
- [54:17]
Adam Carolla
Ray had a. In junior high.
- [54:19]
Ray Oldhoffer
There we go.
- [54:20]
Adam Carolla
Look at Snake Junior High. Ray had a T shirt, a yellow shirt with a pig on it that was throwing the finger. Said, have a nice day, asshole.
- [54:28]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yes.
- [54:29]
Adam Carolla
And Ray used to wear that shirt to school. This is in the ninth. This is in the eighth grade.
- [54:35]
Ray Oldhoffer
That wasn't Halloween either.
- [54:36]
Adam Carolla
That wasn't Halloween. That was just, have a nice day, asshole.
- [54:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
To turn the shirt inside out. And I said no somewhere.
- [54:42]
Adam Carolla
Oh, you wouldn't even turn the shirt.
- [54:44]
Ray Oldhoffer
Inside out, Mr. Lane. Remember him walk around school?
- [54:47]
Adam Carolla
The shirts that have a nice day, asshole on it. And from 1978. And in blackface. Then two years later with a hairnet and no one said anything. There's a lot of stuff going on back then.
- [54:59]
Ray Oldhoffer
In the yearbook, there was me. Remember Ralph Black eye Ralph, arm in arm in the yearbook. Me and blackface.
- [55:06]
Adam Carolla
Oh, you and blackface.
- [55:07]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, me and blackface. Ralph and blackface also, but by no choice of his own.
- [55:11]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [55:12]
Ray Oldhoffer
And arm in arm.
- [55:14]
Adam Carolla
I gotta check that out. I don't remember that.
- [55:16]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [55:18]
Adam Carolla
So Skyline blackface and went as Conan and also as the Hare Krishna. We just go to valley parties. I don't even know how it worked. Someone would be throwing a party, we'd get some crappy directions. We usually spend most the better part of the evening looking for the party.
- [55:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
Right. Or it would be a huge caravan, a lot of that kind of thing. Like 8 cars going one place.
- [55:45]
Adam Carolla
And then when we found the party, half the time we didn't know whose house it was.
- [55:50]
Ray Oldhoffer
Most of the time.
- [55:51]
Adam Carolla
Most of the time we didn't know whose house it was.
- [55:52]
Ray Oldhoffer
And then there was always, like, cheese stealing.
- [55:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [55:55]
Ray Oldhoffer
We had to get food. We were hungry.
- [55:57]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Someone get pushed?
- [55:58]
Ray Oldhoffer
I mean, Snake would break stuff.
- [56:00]
Adam Carolla
Mm.
- [56:01]
Ray Oldhoffer
Or I would.
- [56:02]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [56:02]
Ray Oldhoffer
Or you would.
- [56:03]
Adam Carolla
No.
- [56:04]
Ray Oldhoffer
Oh, please.
- [56:05]
Adam Carolla
I was there because I had nothing else to do. I. There's no way kids would do that today, right?
- [56:09]
Ray Oldhoffer
I don't think so.
- [56:10]
Adam Carolla
Just drive.
- [56:11]
Ray Oldhoffer
At least I hope not aimlessly driving.
- [56:13]
Adam Carolla
Around looking for a party.
- [56:15]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, but there was always like this. This word thing or then a meeting place kind of thing. It was always a little obscure. Nobody really knew what was going on. Then there were always cops involved and all that kind of thing.
- [56:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [56:27]
Ray Oldhoffer
Somewhere along the line.
- [56:28]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Now they have Go to my PC. Wow. Think about it. We didn't have a cell phone, Ray. And they got Go to my PC. Brought to you by Citrix. You can stay productive despite the unexpected. You see, who knows? You get snowed in or you twist your ankle or whatever it is. You can't make it into work, but you can hop on your work computer. That's right, Ray. You can get to your work computer from home, or the Starbucks, or. What's funny about that? Or you can be. You have your iPad on your lap, your Mac, your PC, any computer. Like I said, even the iPad. They have an app for that. You can work on any file, use any program, or access your internal network. All from wherever. Airport, flight delay, stuck at the airport. Pow. Pull out that iPad, access your computer. Your home computer, your work computer. You can do multiple computers. Such a deal. Just a click away. Go to my PC free. Try it free today. 45 day free trial visit. Go to my PC.com, click on the Try it free button and use the promo code. Adam. I always liked Halloween because it was a great chick holiday. It was good. When you're a single dude, chicks would dress in hot outfits, they'd get drunk and they kind of act out. You know, they'd act out, depending on whatever they were.
- [57:49]
Ray Oldhoffer
Did you ever get to. When you were Mr. T, did you get to make out with anybody?
- [57:52]
Adam Carolla
No. Mr. T was a bad no. When I dressed when I dressed up like a sailor I met play. Yeah. Because I was in a uniform and I looked decent. And when I went as Mr. T, I used a piece of charcoal or something on my face. I mean I was a fucking mess, you know.
- [58:10]
Ray Oldhoffer
Didn't you use, was it shoe. It wasn't shoe polish though. Some kind of grease paint or something.
- [58:15]
Adam Carolla
I remember using. I. Oh, I remember. Oh, I remember. One of the things we did is I think we took like newspaper, rolled it up and burnt it or something or stick smudged that all over the place, whatever. It was a horrible time. We're cleaning carpets, we're getting seven bucks an hour, shittiest carpet cleaning gigs ever. And the only good time really is when you and I would head over to Hamburger Hamlet. The one in Westwood? Yeah.
- [58:45]
Ray Oldhoffer
Anyone tell people what you would do?
- [58:47]
Adam Carolla
How would it work, Ray?
- [58:49]
Ray Oldhoffer
Well, I'd clean the carpet. Ace, fire up the grill. Yeah, get it going.
- [58:54]
Adam Carolla
First thing we would do is search that.
- [58:56]
Ray Oldhoffer
You got me covered.
- [58:57]
Adam Carolla
Where's the food?
- [58:58]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, you're covered.
- [58:59]
Adam Carolla
The manager would give you the keys because you'd work all night. You'd have to work until like 4am and the manager wasn't going to sit there and watch you clean carpet till 4am so we'd give you the keys and he'd give you the keys and he'd tell you when you're done, throw the keys through the mail slot. That'll be it.
- [59:16]
Ray Oldhoffer
We got it.
- [59:17]
Adam Carolla
By the way, we have taken a whiz or two through one of those mail slots.
- [59:21]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yes.
- [59:22]
Adam Carolla
Not proud of that. Not after we clean the carpet. Just random yogurt choices.
- [59:27]
Ray Oldhoffer
We peed the carpet machines too, remember?
- [59:29]
Adam Carolla
Oh, forgot about that. Point is this. We'd be left alone at the Hamburger Hamlet and we would if our boss would go.
- [59:37]
Ray Oldhoffer
Your employees bonded? Sure. Yeah, they're bonded.
- [59:42]
Adam Carolla
Let me put a teflon treatment on the carpets. Ray's whiz. We would, Ray. Ray would get the grill going. I think I would clean the carpet and you'd get the grill going.
- [59:52]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah. You were a better cook.
- [59:53]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I'd get those burgers going. There's something about making your own burger in a deserted huge kitchen.
- [60:01]
Ray Oldhoffer
And then you'd flip up the tray and every accoutrement crab right there.
- [60:06]
Adam Carolla
It's kind of like the Shining. You're in a huge like industrial sized kitchen and you're totally alone and it's like 1:30 in the morning, no business Tuesday night and Ray's buzzing away and you're flipping burgers and putting guacamole and bacon and shit.
- [60:24]
Ray Oldhoffer
And it's like, what else you want? And then the ice maker would make noise and scare the shit out of us.
- [60:29]
Adam Carolla
I'll tell you, it's weird and scary and spooky when you're in some of these places and it's two in the morning and it's deserted. Like, whatever city you're in, it's closed down and you're back in the kitchen. Something spooky and creepy about being in a kitchen of like, whatever it is, like a Denny's or whatever. When you're the only person in there.
- [60:51]
Ray Oldhoffer
Because there's 10,000 square feet around you.
- [60:54]
Adam Carolla
And there are those places that are so used to being alive and then they're completely empty. Like being in a stadium that's empty.
- [61:01]
Ray Oldhoffer
And then you walk to super dim light.
- [61:03]
Adam Carolla
You walk to the back, right? You walk to the back and it smells all weird and greasy and you're gonna get a bucket of. And the ice maker makes its own weird jolting sound. It just. It sits dormant for like an hour. And then it goes. It just kicks on and the ice starts moving and you'll just be sitting there fucking jumping out of your skin, like looking over your shoulders, knives everywhere.
- [61:25]
Ray Oldhoffer
Oh, and then you grab the knife and you put it in your back pocket. You grab the knife and you start walking around clean, doing whatever your job is with the knife in your pocket. Because you need to be prepared, mind you. You have a better chance of falling on the knife and killing yourself.
- [61:38]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. So that was a shitty job. But Ray made the burgers. We do the Russian Tea Room. That had a bar.
- [61:45]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [61:45]
Adam Carolla
That's when the booze started flowing with.
- [61:48]
Ray Oldhoffer
The net, with the screen through it where you had to finger it up. You had to be like kind of nimble.
- [61:53]
Adam Carolla
Oh. To get at the booze.
- [61:56]
Ray Oldhoffer
Actually, Chris had that down.
- [61:57]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, it was good. Yeah. He drank a lot of whiskey. They tried to steal a bunch of cream puffs. And then there's Edwards Air Force Base.
- [62:06]
Ray Oldhoffer
Oh, God, that made you want to join the Air Force.
- [62:09]
Adam Carolla
It was about a two hour drive. It's like cleaning acreage of carpet, cleaning an Air Force base. It's an airport. It's an airport. Imagine walking into an airport with a carpet wand that was seven inches across at the bottom and just looking at a stream of carpet, just a field of carpet going, oh, fuck.
- [62:28]
Ray Oldhoffer
Have at it.
- [62:29]
Adam Carolla
Have at.
- [62:32]
Ray Oldhoffer
Was horrible. It makes me want to cry now.
- [62:34]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, it's sad. I swear to God, my kids should kill me if I do that to them different time. Could you imagine if your kid did that shit? I'm gonna have questions for my kids, like, what is this job? How far are you doing? What are you doing? How much you getting made? I was driving to Edwards with Everlast. Yeah.
- [62:53]
Ray Oldhoffer
What about? We wouldn't get drive time. Drive time was half time.
- [62:57]
Adam Carolla
Everlast was a black guy from New York who didn't have a license.
- [63:01]
Ray Oldhoffer
Everlast did some other things, too.
- [63:03]
Adam Carolla
I shot a guy.
- [63:05]
Ray Oldhoffer
Shot a couple of guys.
- [63:06]
Adam Carolla
Shot a couple guys. A couple guys?
- [63:08]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah. Oh, put them both down.
- [63:10]
Adam Carolla
He killed two guys?
- [63:11]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [63:12]
Adam Carolla
That's nice. Yeah, it was good times. The guy I worked with, the guy I drove while he was just smoking spleef all the way. I picked him up at his apartment on a Sunday morning. You want to talk about. I look back on some of the shit we've done, right?
- [63:29]
Ray Oldhoffer
What about the dude? The Latin dude we used to work with? Smoked dust on the job.
- [63:34]
Adam Carolla
Angel. Angel dust. Yeah.
- [63:35]
Ray Oldhoffer
And used to look at you and then. And smile at you and go, dust.
- [63:39]
Adam Carolla
Some of the shit. And it would reek some of the shit I've done. Like, if you said to me now, hey, man, this Sunday, here's what I want you to do.
- [63:52]
Ray Oldhoffer
Here's what your day's going to be.
- [63:53]
Adam Carolla
Here's your day. I'm going to need you to get up at 5am I'm going to need you to come out to Sherman Oaks. I need you to get the custom van, the one that says Radical Rich on the side. I need you to then get in that van in Sherman Oaks, and I need you to drive it over to North Hollywood. And I need you to pick up a black dude named Everlast who will in a few weeks from now, not yet, but in a few weeks, he's going to murder two guys at a bar on Ventura Boulevard. But anyway, we'll get to that and he'll do life in prison. But anyway, he's from New York. He doesn't have a license. He likes to smoke weed. Anyway, let him drive. You guys drive out to the Mojave Desert to Edwards Air Force Base.
- [64:35]
Ray Oldhoffer
And by the way, we never even questioned what the dude's name was.
- [64:39]
Adam Carolla
I didn't know.
- [64:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
It was just like, hey, his name's Everlasting. That's what we'll call him.
- [64:42]
Adam Carolla
He doesn't have a license. He'll drive about 100 miles an hour while he's smoking spleef in this custom van with the bald tires. And then once you get out to Edwards. Hopefully you'll get there about 7:00am, 7:30, Sunday morning. You can work there until about 7:00pm, maybe 8 or 9:00 clock that night, just cleaning gray carpet. And then you get back in the van with Everlast. He's going to smoke some more weed, and you guys drive back. Two hour drive. And then you drop Everlast off in North Hollywood, and then you drop the van back off in Van Nuys, and then you'll be home at like 10:30 at night.
- [65:20]
Ray Oldhoffer
I'd be like, by the way, you're only getting paid for eight.
- [65:23]
Adam Carolla
I need. Yeah, you're only getting paid for eight. You get $7 an hour. I would be like, I need.
- [65:30]
Ray Oldhoffer
That's 1,500 bucks.
- [65:32]
Adam Carolla
Oh, no, no, I'm talking about me right now. Right now, I need between 30 and 60 grand for that. Easily, easily.
- [65:42]
Ray Oldhoffer
But by the way, if you were to get 30 or 60 grand for that right now, I don't think you'd do it.
- [65:45]
Adam Carolla
Made 65 bucks that day. And then after Everlast got murdered, those two guys. I didn't know. I thought he murdered one guy. But anyway, murder two guys. And then we're all sitting around Art's apartment, and Art's like, hey, want to hear funny. Want to hear funny message on my message machine?
- [66:05]
Ray Oldhoffer
Oh, that was tr. Yeah.
- [66:07]
Adam Carolla
And it was like, hey, here you go. And it was like, hey, man, this is Everlast. I'm in jail, man. I'm in trouble, man. You gotta bail me out, man. I did some bad things. And then it was like, hang up. And Art looked at us going, he killed two guys. He thinks I'm gonna bail him out. No fucking way. It was a big laugh.
- [66:24]
Ray Oldhoffer
And laughing.
- [66:24]
Adam Carolla
It was a laugh. Good laugh. Good laugh about that. All right.
- [66:28]
Ray Oldhoffer
Anyway, I don't think we laughed. I think he laughed.
- [66:30]
Adam Carolla
Time to get in the van. Here we go.
- [66:33]
Ray Oldhoffer
Let's go clean at Denny's.
- [66:35]
Adam Carolla
Yay. Keep trying to figure out if Everlast is still. Do you think he's still.
- [66:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
Oh, come on.
- [66:40]
Adam Carolla
What?
- [66:41]
Ray Oldhoffer
He's still in. He's gotta be.
- [66:43]
Adam Carolla
He does.
- [66:44]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, I would imagine so. First of all, I don't think he could put together, like, Good Time, you know? And he was so young and so angry. I mean, he's probably killed a few guys in.
- [66:53]
Adam Carolla
All right.
- [66:54]
Ray Oldhoffer
What do you think? I mean, I would hope not, you know? I would really hope not.
- [66:58]
Adam Carolla
Have he found. Jesus Christ. I don't know. I mean, we're talking about 30 years ago. Well, not quite 30 years ago. But we're talking about, like, 25, 28 years ago now, right?
- [67:09]
Ray Oldhoffer
You're talking close to 30. No, you are talking close to 30. Because we were.
- [67:12]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, right, but I said no.
- [67:15]
Ray Oldhoffer
Right. Okay. 20. Yeah. I mean, I think he's still in.
- [67:19]
Adam Carolla
Well, if we ever knew his real name.
- [67:21]
Ray Oldhoffer
I remember his last name.
- [67:23]
Adam Carolla
I have no idea.
- [67:24]
Ray Oldhoffer
I do.
- [67:24]
Adam Carolla
Well, don't say it.
- [67:25]
Ray Oldhoffer
All right.
- [67:26]
Adam Carolla
You do?
- [67:26]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [67:27]
Adam Carolla
Now Facebook him.
- [67:30]
Ray Oldhoffer
Everlast McGee.
- [67:33]
Adam Carolla
Did you say the name?
- [67:34]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, I did, didn't I?
- [67:35]
Adam Carolla
All right.
- [67:36]
Ray Oldhoffer
Told me not to.
- [67:37]
Adam Carolla
Right. How is it every time I do a show with you where I try to use someone's first name, we don't.
- [67:43]
Ray Oldhoffer
Know his first name?
- [67:43]
Adam Carolla
All right? Now, you can't get sued. He did murder at least one guy, right? It's not like we're making this up.
- [67:49]
Ray Oldhoffer
No, we're not making it up.
- [67:50]
Adam Carolla
All right, let's see.
- [67:51]
Ray Oldhoffer
And it was always kind of scary working with the dude. Like you didn't know what you were dealing with, didn't you? Couldn't really talk to him.
- [67:58]
Adam Carolla
Didn't know, but didn't care.
- [67:59]
Ray Oldhoffer
And he was. And he had a lot of vigor, you know? He had a ton of energy.
- [68:04]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, well, see what happened.
- [68:05]
Ray Oldhoffer
And veering all over the place.
- [68:07]
Adam Carolla
Well, he didn't. He was from New York or something. I don't think he could drive.
- [68:10]
Ray Oldhoffer
Well, got us out to Edwards.
- [68:15]
Adam Carolla
All right, well, he didn't last too long. You know, he had bigger and better things to get into. All right. Should we take some phone calls there, Reza?
- [68:22]
Ray Oldhoffer
Sure.
- [68:22]
Adam Carolla
Mm. Let's see. Ooh, someone had a threesome on Halloween. Hey, Colin. Yeah, Adam. What's going on, Colin?
- [68:31]
Caller or Listener
Not much. Listening up. Love the show.
- [68:34]
Adam Carolla
God bless. What's happening?
- [68:36]
Caller or Listener
Okay, so a couple years ago, out of college, we had a fraternity party, and I don't know if you've ever seen dodgeball.
- [68:43]
Adam Carolla
Mm.
- [68:44]
Caller or Listener
I was dressed as one of the Global Gym guys, and my buddy was dressed as one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
- [68:50]
Adam Carolla
Nice.
- [68:50]
Caller or Listener
And, yeah, I don't know, it was.
- [68:52]
Adam Carolla
Getting a little late.
- [68:52]
Caller or Listener
Like three or four in the morning. We headed back to his place. We were just hanging outside, smoking, and two pretty hammered girls walked by, and they asked if we had any pot. And we said, yeah, come on in.
- [69:03]
Adam Carolla
Hang out.
- [69:04]
Caller or Listener
And they came in. They came into the room. It was me, my buddy, and these two other girls, and the other one just straight up passed out about 4 in the morning now. And the other girl looked at her friend, looked at us, and kind of started rubbing my buddy's shell. It was his backpack. He was up as a shelf.
- [69:23]
Adam Carolla
Ninja Turtle. Yeah. So two dudes in the chick, huh? Yeah, but we had our.
- [69:29]
Caller or Listener
We had our costumes on, so.
- [69:30]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. What was she dressed as?
- [69:32]
Caller or Listener
She was dressed as a princess. I'm not exactly sure which one.
- [69:36]
Ray Oldhoffer
Princess hooker.
- [69:37]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [69:38]
Caller or Listener
Yeah.
- [69:38]
Adam Carolla
Jizz real.
- [69:39]
Caller or Listener
The funniest part about it was afterwards she came up to me and whispered in the ear and asked me. She said, hey, I got a. I got a question I need to ask you. Don't be mad, but I have a little coke. I was wondering if you guys would want to do something with us. And my friend just flipped out and just goes, you asked, you bring up the coke now Right after we're done. And that was pretty funny.
- [70:02]
Adam Carolla
Well, maybe she'd add a little thanks, Colin. Maybe she had a little bad experience with the coke. Pre sex, you know what I mean? I miss the weird random hookup. You and I have a friend. Yeah, a mutual friend who was like living up around Santa Barbara and just sort of hanging out, like just having a one man barbecue like on his porch at like 2am like this kind of homeless chick kind of like strutting by. Next thing you know, hook up.
- [70:33]
Ray Oldhoffer
Not a bad way to live.
- [70:35]
Adam Carolla
Just saying. It's such a fucking random.
- [70:38]
Ray Oldhoffer
I think it happens.
- [70:39]
Adam Carolla
That's why I always say you want to be. John Salley loves this, by the way. You want to be. Or is it Matt Ferrer, one of the guys from the car shows? The best era is pre aids, mid coke. So you want to be before AIDS and during coke because that's when the hooking up that was free for all. That was a free for all.
- [71:04]
Ray Oldhoffer
We missed that though. We were too young.
- [71:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I know. All right. Somebody had a disgusting bad date. Skip did. Let's talk to Skip. Hey, Skip.
- [71:16]
Caller or Listener
Hey, what's going on?
- [71:18]
Adam Carolla
Skip A roo.
- [71:20]
Caller or Listener
First live call. I listen to you forever.
- [71:23]
Adam Carolla
Thanks. Ever. Where did you listen to me forever?
- [71:27]
Caller or Listener
I joined the Navy in 93. When I came to San Diego. Furthest yell 91.
- [71:33]
Adam Carolla
Ah, the great 91X. What's going. What's going on? What'd you do?
- [71:38]
Caller or Listener
No concept. You were like, like so awesome then until, you know, whatever. You know, a lot of my sex education at the age of 18, 19 years old came from you and Dr. Drew. So I gotta hand that to you guys.
- [71:52]
Adam Carolla
Thanks, Skip. What'd you do in the Navy?
- [71:54]
Caller or Listener
I was a navigator.
- [71:55]
Adam Carolla
Oh, sounds interesting.
- [71:57]
Caller or Listener
And I started out in the reserves. That kind of part of this story. I started on the reserve, so I went to Basic training in, in Great Lakes and I went down to Orlando for my school and then I came back to Tucson, Arizona for go to college and do my one weekend a month and everything. And I was eventually going to go full time. So I just got back. I. I've been away for like almost a year. You know, sailor on the weekend. You know, I still live in a home because it's still cool, right? Going to school. I meet this chick that's pretty damn good looking and I asked her out. Tucson has this thing called Universal Studios or it's like Universal Studios called Old Tucson. So they film all the old, old western movies. Well, Halloween, the whole month of October, they do it into an old ghost town. It's like a whole haunted house or old west themed thing and it's a lot of fun.
- [72:46]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [72:47]
Caller or Listener
At least it was back then. But yeah, I've been in a while. So anyway, I get to get the cojones, ask her out because, you know, again, now I'm in the navy and I'm gonna drop 60 pounds and you know, gain some muscle and shit. So I'm thinking, yeah, I'm in.
- [73:01]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [73:02]
Caller or Listener
So we get there, actually went on a couple dates. We finally go out there and it's like she starts opening up about stuff and I find out she's not even really dating to have a relationship or anything, which I'm cool with that, whatever. But it turns out she's actually still dating a guy that's in prison for having sex with a minor.
- [73:18]
Adam Carolla
Now, Chilean style minor. And so yeah, I don't know what it is with the dates. Maybe it's the booze starts flowing, but people just volunteer way too much.
- [73:31]
Ray Oldhoffer
Girl date. And she was hot.
- [73:34]
Caller or Listener
She was pretty glam hot.
- [73:35]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. All right, all right. So what happened?
- [73:38]
Caller or Listener
You know, so we're having a good. I'm like, okay, well I'll let that go. And. Well, at least she's not one of really she's relationships. Maybe she's kind of, you know, she's been. Her man's been in prison for a while. She's wanting to get it on, whatever. Okay, that's cool, that wholesaler mentality.
- [73:50]
Adam Carolla
Sure. And.
- [73:53]
Caller or Listener
We go to leave, it's like midnight, whatever. And we're walking out to the car and I go to get in the car, she's like, oh, hold on. And she hops out real quick. She's like, I gotta change my tampon.
- [74:03]
Adam Carolla
Excuse me.
- [74:05]
Caller or Listener
She squats down next to the car and changes her tampon. That was the worst drive home.
- [74:12]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [74:12]
Ray Oldhoffer
But you had a hard on, right?
- [74:15]
Adam Carolla
By the way, what do you do with that spent tampon, too? You know, somebody's gonna talk to him.
- [74:19]
Caller or Listener
In another car, I guess, toss in.
- [74:21]
Ray Oldhoffer
The backseat of his car.
- [74:23]
Caller or Listener
It was not coming into my Datsun 510, I'll tell you that much.
- [74:26]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [74:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. By the way, don't put that next to the graduation tassel hanging from the rear view. That's bad mojo right there. Change the tampon on you.
- [74:37]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [74:38]
Adam Carolla
Wow.
- [74:38]
Caller or Listener
I was like, yeah, definitely not happening.
- [74:41]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, you're lucky fucking Count Dracula or one of the other creatures that roams this earth seeking blood didn't come around on Halloween night. Yeah, I forgot about a horrible, horrible Halloween event I had. Not a horrible, but just, like, lonely guy Halloween. Like, sad, lonely, lonely dude Halloween. Ray Oldhoffer is here. We're talking sharing some old Halloween stories. You guys are calling up on this special Halloween edition. I'll share you my. It's the kind of story, by the way, that if I was single, would definitely get me laid now, you know, because chicks who would hear it would.
- [75:22]
Ray Oldhoffer
Go, aw, come here.
- [75:25]
Adam Carolla
Wow. Come here. Yeah. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back with your calls and my lonely Halloween story after this.
- [75:32]
Ray Oldhoffer
Awesome.
- [75:33]
Adam Carolla
Hey, everybody, I'm Lynette Carolla.
- [75:35]
Allison Rosen
I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor.
- [75:36]
Adam Carolla
Check us out. For crying out loud. Our new show, go ACE Broadcast Network.
- [75:41]
Ray Oldhoffer
Subscribe go to itunes.
- [75:42]
Adam Carolla
Check us out. For crying out loud. With Lynette Carolla and Stephanie Wilder Taylor. Every Monday only on the ACE Broadcasting Network. Hey, Durham, North Carolina, Adam Carolla here. I know it's been a while. I got the twins, wife's all over me. You know how it goes. Anyway, I'm back and I'm doing a show. That's right. It's a holiday show. Thursday, January 19, 2017. Getting a jump on it. Just kidding. This January 19, of course, I'm gonna be at the Carolina theater, and I hope to see you all there. What am I gonna be doing? None of your GD business. It'll be 90 minutes of me. I mean, I like to think of myself is a white male. Like if Rosa Parks was white and rich and drove a V8 Audi with climate control. That's who you're looking at. A rich white male Rosa Park. Tickets available@live nation.com and carolinatheater.org I'll see you January 19th. Adam Carolla at the Carolina Theater. Tickets@livenation.com Back for the Halloween special. Good buddy Ray going over, sifting over the wreckage of the past with him. Halloween is a. It's. It's one of those things you, you know, you. You think you. You. You measure your life in birthdays and you remember the Christmases and stuff, but once you become an adult, like, once you. Once you're 18, you should sort of measure your life by Halloween's. I mean, you can tell where you're at if you showed a picture of you every Halloween. You kind of know, you know, where you're at emotionally. You know, who was with you, you know, what you decided to go as. You know what you'd always be a story about drunkenness or fighting or something, or, you know, eventually there'd be. You trick or treating with your kids. By the way, nothing cooler than taking the kids and getting them dressed up as Buzz Lightyear or something and holding their hand and walking up and down the street with them. But it's a good marker, Chas.
- [77:51]
Ray Oldhoffer
18. And then.
- [77:52]
Adam Carolla
Well, I told you I'd tell you my lonely Halloween story. When I was. And I only sort of remember things by the car I was driving. I was living in my apartment in Toluca Lake. I was just kind of getting started on KROQ doing radio, but I was just doing the morning show, and I had my Catholic little brother, Nate, and Nate wanted to go to the Halloween haunt at Knott's Berry Farm. Nay, Knott's Scary Farm.
- [78:26]
Ray Oldhoffer
Ah, yeah.
- [78:27]
Adam Carolla
The guy thought of that. Never stopped patting himself on the back. And he wanted to go, and it's like his sister wanted to go. And also, I had one of these moments where I went to the guy's apartment building, you know, so it was one of those things where I got the tickets for not Scary Farm from, like, KROC or something from the radio station. It's in Buena Park. It's a good, you know, 50 miles out of town. And it was one of these things where I was going to go. I was living in Toluca Lake. I was going to go pick him up. He was on the west side. Then I was going to put them all in my car and take them to Knott's Scary Farm. And the sad part is, I wasn't going in. I just got four tickets for them. I was going to have to circle Boyna park for about five hours. Yeah, but. But I do remember this. I remember this. That's Champ, one of Nate's buddies, lived in, like, the apartment that he was in, and he wanted to take his buddy. And, like, I know what it's like when you're 13 or 14. You want to hang with your buddies. So, like, he's. He's, you know, she's over in apartment 4B or whatever. And so I went to go. We went to go pick the buddy up on the. On the way out and got the third degree from mom, right? You know where it's like. And when. Where are you going? And we're going to Not Scary Farm. And are you driving? Then what are you driving? And how long can be there? And at a certain point you're like, hey, cunt, how about you fucking keep your package at home? I got in your fucking soup cooler too. Like, I got your fucking shitty kid a ticket for Not Scary Farm. I'm shuttling the asshole back and forth to Buena park tonight. How about you shut the fuck up?
- [80:06]
Ray Oldhoffer
How did you fare after you said this to her?
- [80:09]
Adam Carolla
You know me, right? I was like, all right, that's it. Are you done? Yeah, or he can stay here because that's cool too. Look, I don't need to bring him. It doesn't make fucking difference enough. So I got the kid after getting a fucking third degree from mom and brought the kid. There's picture, me and Nate, if you want to go out to the website, I guess will be on there at some point. And I took Nate out there and his sisters and this kid. And I didn't want to go to Knott's Scary Farm. I was like, let you kids go. I didn't have a cell phone either. I was like, I'm going to meet you back here at midnight, you know, but it was like 7:30 at night, so I had some time to kill.
- [80:51]
Ray Oldhoffer
And that's a haul. Like, you're not coming back.
- [80:54]
Adam Carolla
There's nothing good going on at Buena.
- [80:55]
Ray Oldhoffer
Park, but you're not coming back either. I'm driving out.
- [80:58]
Adam Carolla
Oh, and this is all. That area hadn't really been developed and like it is now. And also this is all like pre cell phone, pre nav systems. Like I didn't know the fuck. I just drove in a circle around Buena park and eventually I came upon a movie theater and I saw Get Shorty. That's how I can tell what year it was. Went in and saw the movie alone. It was like, oh, there's a 9:40 showing of Get Shorty. Like, all right, I'm gonna go in and see Get Shorty. Went and saw Get Shorty. And then must have been 96, 95, 96. We'll have to figure that out. Then when I was done, I went to a diner. But it was like truck stoppy dinery.
- [81:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
Right. It was just weird rigs out front.
- [81:42]
Adam Carolla
95. Wow. Yeah. Well. And it must have come out. If someone wants to put a finer point on. Must have come out in like November or toward the end of November of 95. I wonder if it. Oh, October. Right. 20th of October. 95. I guess this would have been. Oh, shit. Yeah. When is Halloween? October 31st.
- [82:08]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [82:09]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Right. So, yeah, this would have been. Right. All right. There you go. October 20, 1995. This is right before anything good started or anything real good started happening for me in radio. So I was just driving my shitty Honda around and went and saw Get Shorty. And then I went to a weird diner. Like, weird, quiet, you know, weird alone dude diner.
- [82:32]
Ray Oldhoffer
Right.
- [82:33]
Adam Carolla
And just sat.
- [82:33]
Ray Oldhoffer
There were nine other alone dudes around to.
- [82:36]
Adam Carolla
Just sat there at the booth alone. Just eating my weird salad, the weird dressing on it. Just looking at my watch the whole time. When's it going to be midnight? Eat like a Salisbury steak. It was like a Saturday night. It was like.
- [82:51]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, I'm feeling, like, profoundly sad right now.
- [82:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I mean, I. You know, he wanted to go to Not Scary Farm.
- [82:59]
Ray Oldhoffer
You made it happen.
- [83:00]
Adam Carolla
I didn't want to go in because I think I had a limited number of tickets. But also, I didn't feel like walking around getting scared. Like, I don't know, guys jumping out in bib overalls with a fake chainsaw. I don't feel like there's anything in it for you.
- [83:12]
Ray Oldhoffer
It's not a thing. Yeah.
- [83:13]
Adam Carolla
Why? What's in it for you? You know what I mean? Like, oh, I shit my.
- [83:18]
Ray Oldhoffer
Great. I threw my coke.
- [83:20]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Like, I understand porno and I understand getting high, but getting scared. What the fuck's in it for you?
- [83:27]
Ray Oldhoffer
I like scaring people, though.
- [83:28]
Adam Carolla
Oh, Ray likes scaring people. Ray, tell the story of when you scare that poor woman at your apartment building. Tell it. And there's Mike Lynch. You gotta listen to this because there's zero hyperbole here. As a matter of fact, if they had Legal Zoom back then, she could have contacted one of their attorneys and really done some damage to you and your family.
- [83:51]
Ray Oldhoffer
It was good that it wasn't that time, then. No cell phones.
- [83:54]
Adam Carolla
It's been nearly a decade since LegalZoom gave us affordable way to legally protect ourselves and our business and our family. Now LegalZoom offers guidance from an attorney at no additional cost. Yeah, this is where he would kick in for that little almost a felony, right? Access to a helpful attorney licensed in your state. Get Answers to your questions and a little something called peace of mind. Wills, living trusts, LLCs, whatever you gotta do, let them help. And you can talk to an actual helpful attorney. Go to legalzoom.com that's legalzoom.com legalzoom. Not a law firm. They provide self help services at your direction. And the free attorney help is provided through a trial of the Legal Advantage program available in most states. And again, if it ain't your state, you should move for even more savings. Enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. That's legalzoom.com. all right, Drew.
- [84:53]
Ray Oldhoffer
Drew, come on.
- [84:55]
Adam Carolla
Every time I look to my left and start a conversation off a read.
- [84:59]
Ray Oldhoffer
How'S your wife handle that?
- [85:02]
Adam Carolla
She sleeps on the right for that reason. So legal. Zoom.
- [85:07]
Jane Goodall
Yeah.
- [85:07]
Adam Carolla
What are we talking about? Oh, yeah, you scaring the bejesus out of. What was her name? You can say her name.
- [85:12]
Ray Oldhoffer
Her name was Debbie. That's what her name was.
- [85:16]
Adam Carolla
Now what. What size was Debbie?
- [85:20]
Ray Oldhoffer
Barely five foot, tiny woman, £100, sweet. Had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
- [85:27]
Adam Carolla
Mm. Little bob.
- [85:28]
Ray Oldhoffer
A mom.
- [85:29]
Adam Carolla
Little mom haircut.
- [85:30]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [85:30]
Adam Carolla
Mm.
- [85:31]
Ray Oldhoffer
She was a nice lady.
- [85:32]
Adam Carolla
So what was the plan? What happened with her? Right.
- [85:35]
Ray Oldhoffer
Well, the plan was. I believe you were over for dinner. You were spending the night.
- [85:39]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [85:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
I was living on Whipple with my parents, my brothers. And my mother hit us up to take out the trash.
- [85:46]
Adam Carolla
The old hoffers. Apartment dwellers, by the way, but fed ya, my houses were so shitty that I would go into your apartments and go fucking. These guys are doing pretty good for themselves, like wall to wall carpet. Not bad.
- [85:59]
Ray Oldhoffer
Moped at the time.
- [86:00]
Adam Carolla
Moped, Right. So your mom.
- [86:03]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, we had to take.
- [86:04]
Adam Carolla
Handed me a garbage bag and said, take this to the dump. And handed you a garbage bag and said, take it to the dumpster.
- [86:10]
Ray Oldhoffer
And of course I hopped to it like I would always do when mom said anything.
- [86:13]
Adam Carolla
It was nighttime. Ray went down. Now you'd have to.
- [86:15]
Ray Oldhoffer
We lived upstairs, so you had to go down a flight of stairs into like a long driveway, a common driveway that was kind of dark.
- [86:23]
Adam Carolla
It was an alleyway.
- [86:25]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, alley type driveway.
- [86:26]
Adam Carolla
And it was long.
- [86:27]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, about 50 yards. The trash was up front. We lived in the back, but the.
- [86:31]
Adam Carolla
Trash was up front in a notched.
- [86:33]
Ray Oldhoffer
Out area like with a bunch of plants around and, you know, some palm trees.
- [86:38]
Adam Carolla
Next to the driveway.
- [86:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [86:40]
Adam Carolla
Made a nice 90 degree corner.
- [86:42]
Ray Oldhoffer
So you had to go through a gate. And I had beaten Adam out of the gate, so I was already out of the gate and I knew Adam was A couple clicks behind me. So what? I figured I'd go throw the trash away real quick, hide behind the trash and scare the shit out of Adam. When he ran to the corner, which I thought it would work.
- [87:00]
Adam Carolla
It wasn't a corner. It was just a straight on, 90°. It was the building. It was the corner of the building.
- [87:06]
Ray Oldhoffer
I turned the corner of the building and hid behind the trash that was right there. So I hid behind the trash. Then I hear some steps coming, so I figure this is my opportunity. I hear the lid lift up, I go, ah. And I hear this. Oh my God.
- [87:21]
Adam Carolla
And let me tell you something.
- [87:22]
Ray Oldhoffer
And it was this tiny woman.
- [87:24]
Adam Carolla
Ray didn't do anything half speed. Ray was a big dude who jumped out. Like when Ray scared you, he hurt himself trying to scare you.
- [87:34]
Ray Oldhoffer
I did pull a groin on that.
- [87:35]
Adam Carolla
Ray fucking went flying out of there. Waa. And that mom, she threw her trash.
- [87:43]
Ray Oldhoffer
That's right. She winged her trash in the air.
- [87:46]
Adam Carolla
I was just coming down the driveway. What happened was, is the mom. Your mom handed me the garbage. Handed you the garbage. You took off. And then I was leaving and your mom said hold up or something. And she told me something. I don't remember what we talked about.
- [87:58]
Ray Oldhoffer
But I said, make sure you don't scare Debbie.
- [88:00]
Adam Carolla
Right. I was behind you 30 seconds and I was coming down the driveway and I just heard. Oh, shit. And like trash flying up in the air. I was like, I don't. I didn't know what the happened and. Right. And she was like holding her heart, like, screaming, what the is wrong with you? What's wrong with you? I thought you were somebody else. Who would you do this to? Like, it was like.
- [88:24]
Ray Oldhoffer
Him. Yeah, I do it to him. Oh, she was livid. I don't think she talked to me for about a week.
- [88:30]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, he scared the out of her.
- [88:32]
Ray Oldhoffer
She was. I apologize, Debbie.
- [88:35]
Adam Carolla
All right, somebody.
- [88:37]
Ray Oldhoffer
Wait, wait, wait. Finish up with the sad sack.
- [88:40]
Adam Carolla
That was it. I sat at a diner and I kept looking at my watch. And then at midnight I went picked them up.
- [88:46]
Ray Oldhoffer
And they were there on time.
- [88:48]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I had them. I trying to. I mean, maybe I circled the block twice, but we figured it out. They were like out front on, you know, Buena Park Drive and whatever road and picked them up at midnight.
- [89:00]
Ray Oldhoffer
What about when you dropped off the other kid? Did the mom give you any?
- [89:03]
Adam Carolla
Nah, I didn't get out of the car. I won't fucking walk asshole to his front door. Hey, Andy.
- [89:11]
Caller or Listener
Hey, what's up, Ray?
- [89:12]
Ray Oldhoffer
What's going on?
- [89:14]
Caller or Listener
I'm thrilled Ray's here to hear this one. Yeah, this is circa junior high school. I was probably in the eighth grade and I'm out with my buddies. It's probably the last year when you can actually trick or treat as a kid. And we are in full 27.
- [89:30]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [89:31]
Caller or Listener
And we had eaten far, far too much candy along the way. And we're a few miles from home and I just get violently, violently ill. And I can feel it, it's coming. And we get to this house and the lights are out and they had left out one of those big baskets just full of candy for people. The little sciences. Please take one.
- [89:47]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [89:48]
Caller or Listener
And this was my chance. And so I dropped trout in the best sense and derobe and just let it out. I took all the candy first, put it in my pillowcase and just violently defecate in this bowl, which they had so kindly put out. And of course, of course I can't wipe with anything and I'm not gonna get my costume all dirty. So I use my socks, take the.
- [90:09]
Adam Carolla
American flag and then just left them there. That's why I went a DNA data bank on everybody.
- [90:16]
Caller or Listener
You know, I drive by the house probably a few times a year and I just feel so, so guilty.
- [90:22]
Ray Oldhoffer
Leave a note. Leave a note of apology.
- [90:24]
Adam Carolla
Leave a note and put 20 bucks. Leave it on $20. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
- [90:30]
Ray Oldhoffer
Or defecate on $20 and leave that.
- [90:32]
Adam Carolla
Ray, do you ever think about apologizing? All the people you should apologize to?
- [90:36]
Ray Oldhoffer
I actually thought about taking an ad out in the Times. I really did. I've thought about that. But I did go to. Remember Dutton's bookstore?
- [90:43]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [90:44]
Ray Oldhoffer
I went back to Dutton's Bookstore where I had stolen Pumping Iron.
- [90:48]
Adam Carolla
The book.
- [90:49]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yes. I had stolen that as a child and went back there in my 30s and went to the cashier, found Pumping Iron, found out the price, went to the cashier, gave them money and raised.
- [91:01]
Adam Carolla
Really?
- [91:01]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yes.
- [91:02]
Adam Carolla
And it's not there anymore. Duttons?
- [91:03]
Ray Oldhoffer
No, there was a family owned, but before they had closed. Yeah, I made peace with that. And I have to do that about a couple thousand more times. Other people and I'll be good. I'll be set.
- [91:15]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I can dig it. Hey, good story, Andy. I like a good shit story. Oh, I guess he fell off, but either way, people would never put Gandy out ever again.
- [91:26]
Ray Oldhoffer
No, I mean, how did you.
- [91:28]
Adam Carolla
Crushed. Whatever glimmer of life they had toward humanity was completely extinguished when you shit that basket.
- [91:35]
Ray Oldhoffer
Oh, yeah, not me.
- [91:37]
Adam Carolla
I had a. I had a. I don't know why, but it reminded me of this. I was once working with a guy named Mike who Some bum wanted, like five bucks or it was one of those big bum asks, you know, like 10 bucks. Although I had a bum ask me. I was. I was in a shirt. I was in Vancouver. I was in Vancouver the other week, and the bum guy came up to me and he was like, hey, man, can I have five bucks? And I said, five bucks? And he said, yeah. And I said, I thought the deal was you get a buck. And he's like, nah, the cheapest meal here is five bucks. And I want to eat. I said, well, here's how you're supposed to do it. You're supposed to get a buck times five. So you get five other schmucks to give you a buck, and then you get your meal. And he was like, hey, man, I'm new at this.
- [92:30]
Ray Oldhoffer
Give me a 20.
- [92:31]
Adam Carolla
He was wearing a Motorhead T shirt. And I said, you like Motorhead? He's like, yeah. I'm like, you ever been to any of this Motorhead concerts? He's like, yeah, I go all the time. And I was like, I don't need to be giving you money if you're going to Motorhead. If you're going to any kind of concerts, you're not that homeless.
- [92:44]
Ray Oldhoffer
Did he get indignant? Did he get weird on you?
- [92:46]
Adam Carolla
No, I gave him a buck. I gave him a buck. And he was like, wow, whatever. And, yeah. And then I was like, well, fuck that. And he was like, all right. No, sorry, sir. Thank you. God bless you. Like, he, you know, like I said, he was a new bum. He was a freshly minted bum.
- [93:02]
Ray Oldhoffer
There's a blind one also that I deal with recently. Blind one on Vine. How the hell does he know you're there, though? And hits you up every time? And he's blind. I'm blind.
- [93:12]
Adam Carolla
Hey, Jim, over here. Buddy was kidnapped on Halloween.
- [93:17]
Caller or Listener
Yeah, my buddy was kidnapped. First of all, Ace, man, I woke up this morning thinking I might not have to get it on this morning. Oh, no, you were wrong.
- [93:27]
Adam Carolla
That's right. You're sadly mistaken. Yeah. So how was your buddy kidnapped and how do you escape?
- [93:34]
Caller or Listener
We went all at a costume party, you know, partying our asses off. We were in high school, and he. Another buddy of ours got super wasted, so my buddy Mike had to take him home. So Mike takes him home, walks him.
- [93:48]
Jane Goodall
Up to the house.
- [93:51]
Caller or Listener
Three guys come up behind them. And as he's going in the house, the dad answers the door, and they kind of help you Know the drunk guy into the house, and they're like. They. The three guys are pretending like they're helping him. And so my buddy and the dad take him upstairs. These guys rifle through the foyer closet and stuff and just put stuff. And then they leave. So they didn't do anything there, but they're waiting outside for my buddy. So when he comes back out of the house, says good night to the parents, goes back out there. They got guns. They put guns on them. They're like, which one's your car? They take him to his car, get him in the car, drive him around all night. They're punching him from the. From the front seat, from the back seat. His ears are bleeding, his nose is bleeding. He's got two black eyes. They took his diamond earring, took the jean jacket, took all the cash off of them, made him drive to the liquor store.
- [94:40]
Adam Carolla
Hold on a second. What was he dressed as?
- [94:46]
Ray Oldhoffer
Diamond earrings.
- [94:47]
Adam Carolla
What's he wearing the diamond earrings and the jean jacket for?
- [94:50]
Caller or Listener
Because it was the 80s.
- [94:52]
Adam Carolla
Oh, but you still need an outfit, right? You can't go pirate with a denim jacket.
- [94:57]
Caller or Listener
I forget where he was originally dressed up, but the guy who chopped off was a dead on Clint Eastwood. He had the poncho and the hat and the cigar, and he looked right. He got two waistcoat dropped off.
- [95:08]
Adam Carolla
Good, bad, and the ugly. So, like, they're gonna drive him around and go to his ATM and that kind of stuff.
- [95:13]
Caller or Listener
Drive him out all over the place. We were on the north side of Chicago. Drove all the way down to the south side, drove all the way to the west side. Yeah. Made him get more money, spent all his money. And then they were like, okay, now we need. At the end of the night, they're like, you've got to get us a girl. And he's like, I don't have any more money. And they're like, well, then you're going to be our girl.
- [95:29]
Adam Carolla
How are they supposed to work? How's he go get us a girl?
- [95:34]
Ray Oldhoffer
A lot of demands.
- [95:35]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, well, so what happened?
- [95:37]
Caller or Listener
And these guys had just got out of the joint. They made him drive to this underground parking garage. And the one guy pulled his dick out was like, suck this. And the guy was like, nope. So the guy just kept punching him in the face. And then they're like, throw his ass in the back seat. So they're trying to push him between the seats and to get him in the back seat. And he's like, I'll go around. I can't fit. So he opens the door and he just booked it down the block. He ran about three blocks and he runs into a 7 11. And I mean, imagine you're working at 7 11. It's 3 in the morning, it's dead quiet. This kid comes running in. He's got blood coming from every hole in his head, and he just points you and says, call the police. Now runs into the back room and hides under the desk.
- [96:14]
Adam Carolla
Wow. And so what happened? Did they ever catch these guys?
- [96:18]
Caller or Listener
Yeah, because they went back to the house and the guys had their car there. Went back to the house, sat there with the cops until these assholes meandered up to their car at seven in the morning and said, you guys are coming with us. Two of them had just gotten out of jail the day before.
- [96:33]
Adam Carolla
Jesus Christ. See, system doesn't work. Revolving door. Yeah.
- [96:38]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, but wait a minute. They pulled all these shenanigans and left their car? I mean, how stupid do you have to. Really?
- [96:44]
Adam Carolla
I think a lot of guys who get out of prison want to go back to prison. Right?
- [96:48]
Ray Oldhoffer
It's just like a day pass.
- [96:50]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [96:50]
Ray Oldhoffer
I really do. How's your buddy doing? Is he all right?
- [96:56]
Caller or Listener
Yeah, he's fine. He saved us. Like, his. When we heard about it, we were just, like, stewing and pissed. And we were like, my buddy dad had some M16 from Vietnam. We're like, we're going to get these fuckers. And then when we saw our buddy, he, like, came out and, like, raised his hands with two black eyes and was just being a goofball. So he alleviated our pain. He was just. He shook it off.
- [97:17]
Adam Carolla
And now you're doing fine, Jim, and your buddy's doing fine. Yep.
- [97:21]
Caller or Listener
My buddy's got a horrible wife. But I was going to ask if.
- [97:25]
Ray Oldhoffer
You two are married.
- [97:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. All right, let's see. Two more questions here, Ray. Let's see. Brendan from Florida. Brendan. Yeah.
- [97:35]
Caller or Listener
Ace, man.
- [97:36]
Adam Carolla
What's going on?
- [97:37]
Caller or Listener
Nothing much.
- [97:38]
Adam Carolla
Tell us your horrible Halloween story, please.
- [97:40]
Caller or Listener
Oh, man, I don't know about horrible. It's kind of fun.
- [97:44]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [97:44]
Caller or Listener
It was like, my junior year of college. I was at University of Wisconsin, Madison. And I don't know, my buddy and I, we just decided, like, we just eat, you know, each ate, like, about an eight the mushrooms because we figured that'd be kind of fun.
- [97:58]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [97:59]
Caller or Listener
And it was kind of stupid because it was our junior year and, like, the previous two Halloween said ended in riots.
- [98:07]
Adam Carolla
Mm.
- [98:07]
Caller or Listener
So I don't know, we just kind of figured out maybe we get lucky, it wouldn't happen again. But, you know, we're pretty much tripping face and kind of in the middle of all the, you know, the hull blue, whatever you want to call it on State street there.
- [98:22]
Adam Carolla
Mushrooms. That's a good Halloween drug.
- [98:28]
Caller or Listener
Yeah, it was kind of a.
- [98:29]
Adam Carolla
There's a lot going on visually.
- [98:32]
Caller or Listener
Yeah, it was pretty cool looking, not gonna lie.
- [98:34]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [98:36]
Caller or Listener
Didn't really, you know, mix well with tear gas. But, you know, aside from that, it was. It was pretty fun. But pretty much it kind of came to a head when it was just hitting us really hard and the riot cops were working their way slowly up the street and mason hippies in the face and all that kind of fun shit. And we just kind of ducked into a back alley to just smoke a joint and try and come down a little bit.
- [99:00]
Adam Carolla
Sure. It's always nice. Yeah.
- [99:03]
Caller or Listener
And like, half the. Half the cast of the Mario video games just kind of walked into the alley at that point, and we just kind of had to, like, look at each other to kind of verify that we were actually famous.
- [99:16]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. When you're high on mushrooms, lots of weird shit happens. Or maybe you just notice weird shit happening, but I feel like more weird shit happens when you're high on mushrooms.
- [99:25]
Caller or Listener
Oh, absolutely. But, I mean, that's part of the reason you got to do with someone else, because, you know, if you're just doing it by yourself. A sad. Yeah, you don't really know if stuff's really happening or if you're just seeing it.
- [99:37]
Adam Carolla
No, it's almost as. Almost as sad as going to see Get Shorty alone in Buena Park.
- [99:43]
Ray Oldhoffer
I got dosed one time.
- [99:46]
Adam Carolla
Hold on. Someone hit you with much?
- [99:49]
Ray Oldhoffer
No, I got dosed on. I've never. I've never been a hallucinogen guy ever. You know, that's not my thing. I mean. Or wasn't my thing. And I got dosed with acid, and I was in Hawaii, and I could have swore my whole thing was. You know what? The street lights are different here. That's what I'd say. No, no, no. Look, they trail here.
- [100:12]
Adam Carolla
Somebody put acid in your beer or something, right? Yeah, one of our friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We want to see what it was like.
- [100:19]
Ray Oldhoffer
Fair enough. I had a great time. Yeah, see, I actually did. It was fantastic. And did somebody tell you at some point next day.
- [100:25]
Adam Carolla
Oh, they waited the next day.
- [100:27]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah. Wait till the next day. Ray, you all right? Yeah. Why? What's up? You know, told me, and this is a guy who was suspect in our lives. You know, I let it go. I had such a great time.
- [100:38]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [100:39]
Ray Oldhoffer
But the street lights in Hawaii are different.
- [100:43]
Adam Carolla
Hey, Spencer.
- [100:44]
Caller or Listener
Yep, I'm here.
- [100:45]
Adam Carolla
What's going on, Spencer?
- [100:47]
Caller or Listener
How's it going, Eastman?
- [100:48]
Adam Carolla
Good at home? Doing good, my brother. I gotta tell you, Spencer, if you like the show and you want us to. And you're buying your Halloween costume off Amazon, maybe it's a little late for next year.
- [101:00]
Caller or Listener
No, I use Amazon all the time and I click through the website.
- [101:04]
Adam Carolla
I love that. Christmas gifts, whatever you're getting on Amazon, I'm a chair. You just go to. Go to AdamCroll.com and click on the banner. Go right there. It doesn't take any time. And you give us a little love. So what we saying, Spencer Axeworth, Towson University.
- [101:18]
Caller or Listener
An ace man favorite of yours. And it was Halloween. It was junior year. I would say it was about 2005.
- [101:25]
Adam Carolla
What university?
- [101:26]
Caller or Listener
Cowson in Maryland. You had commented about a female comedian who went there and you said it was a great school because no one will ask you about it.
- [101:33]
Adam Carolla
Right. That was you. Okay, so you went there.
- [101:36]
Brian Bishop
Yeah.
- [101:37]
Adam Carolla
And in 85, what happened?
- [101:40]
Caller or Listener
2005.
- [101:41]
Ray Oldhoffer
We were thinking 85.
- [101:42]
Adam Carolla
We were thinking 85. Right, 2005.
- [101:45]
Caller or Listener
So huge brawl across the complex from mine. Literally about 30, 40 people brawling in the apartment. You can see the strobe light. You see everyone in there. All of a sudden you hear some glass tinting. All of a sudden, five bodies go through a sliding glass door.
- [102:01]
Adam Carolla
Wow.
- [102:02]
Caller or Listener
I've never seen so much blood in my life.
- [102:04]
Adam Carolla
It was, you know, there.
- [102:06]
Ray Oldhoffer
Is it real blood mixed with fake blood, though?
- [102:09]
Caller or Listener
Oh, no, it was all real blood.
- [102:11]
Adam Carolla
There's this thing about Halloween. Like, we always talk about the, you know, chick side of it, where they dress like the French maids or the Playboy bunnies or something sexy. There's a thing where dudes dress like Conan the Barbarian or they dress like a Viking or they dress like they dress like an Indian or something. And before you know it, they get all uppity, too. So there's much more dude fighting than there is on non, you know, other holidays. Like Yom Kippur does not hold a candle. A Sabbath candle, too, like Halloween, because you got a bunch of dudes and they're like, their shirts are off.
- [102:49]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, they're ready.
- [102:50]
Adam Carolla
And they're dressed like American Gladiators. And the next thing you know, they're drunk. And the next thing you know, they are that dude.
- [102:57]
Ray Oldhoffer
And then they're getting into a Persona.
- [103:00]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, it's a real dude. It's a real testosterone thing. So you're in. What were you dressed as? Spencer, I was really lazy.
- [103:08]
Caller or Listener
I was a burglar, so I was wearing all black and a hood.
- [103:11]
Adam Carolla
Mm. And so sort of a cop out outfit.
- [103:15]
Caller or Listener
Yeah, absolutely.
- [103:16]
Adam Carolla
Did the cops show up? Did an ambulance show up?
- [103:18]
Caller or Listener
Cops showed up. Everyone's gone already.
- [103:22]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Seeing guys get thrown through plate glass windows. Never had a time.
- [103:27]
Caller or Listener
It was about, you know, it was 2005. I'll still remember like it was yesterday. It was insane.
- [103:31]
Adam Carolla
I got news for you. 2005 was yesterday. Thanks, Spencer. Hey, remember our buddy Chris had a bottle broken over his head for no reason?
- [103:43]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah. In the park.
- [103:44]
Adam Carolla
No, no. Oh, maybe in the park. I think he was just sitting in.
- [103:50]
Ray Oldhoffer
You too have a bottle broken on you?
- [103:54]
Adam Carolla
No, I had thrown and broken on me. No, no. He was sitting at, like, Deanie's apartment, and one dude just grabbed his arms and held it behind. Broke a bottle over.
- [104:03]
Ray Oldhoffer
And then the dude that was with the dude who broke the bottle was at the bar the next day, and the dude was like, 6, 5, 2, 60. And Ace walked up to him and told him, listen, I got a problem with you. And the guy was like, yeah, what's your problem? Hey, you did something wrong to my buddy, and I'm not digging it. And the guy stood up and he was huge. And Adam just. Adam stared him down. Adam was like, listen, I'll take you outside and I'll beat the shit out of you. And the dude backed. He backed down. I was watching Adam going like, oh, my fuck.
- [104:34]
Adam Carolla
He was big. Cowboy big.
- [104:36]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, he was. He was big and he was scared.
- [104:39]
Adam Carolla
He was sitting at the table.
- [104:40]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah. But then when he stood up, it.
- [104:42]
Adam Carolla
Was out of a movie behemoth. It was like. Ray was like, that's a dude who busted the beer bottle over Chris's head. Never got a straight answer. No, I was just talking to Chris, our other buddy, and he was like, I'm sitting around my girlfriend's apartment. It's like, what happened? Ah, there's these two dudes and they're hanging out too. Yeah. And then what happened? And one dude just came up behind me while I was sitting on a chair, like at a table and just grabbed the other guy, grabbed me like a bear hug real quick. And what'd the other guy do? Just picked up a bottle. It was like a wine bottle or something. Just busted it over. Just busted over his head. And I was like, what'd you. Why? And he's like, I don't know. And like, what was going on? Were you guys fighting or something? No. These guys used to date your girlfriend or something. Like, there's something like that. No, I don't know who these guys were.
- [105:34]
Ray Oldhoffer
And it was really weird, really bizarre.
- [105:36]
Adam Carolla
Who are these guys? Why'd they bust a beer bottle over the top of your head? Or I think it was, like, a wine bottle. And then, like, two days later, we're at a bar, unfortunately, and Ray's like, that's the dude who busted the beer bottle over Chris's head. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna go straighten that dude out. And I walked up to his table. I was like, hey, man, I got a problem with you, man, because I got a good friend, and I heard you busted a bottle over his head, so I'd take you outside and kick your ass, buddy.
- [106:04]
Ray Oldhoffer
You're like, what kind of dick move is that?
- [106:06]
Adam Carolla
And the guy, like, stands up on things where, like, chair slides out, and he stands up. He's, like four and a half inches taller than me, and he's like 235, but he's not fat. And he's like, yeah, okay, let's do it. And I was like, oh, fuck.
- [106:19]
Ray Oldhoffer
No, no, no. He wasn't like, yeah, okay. He stood up and he was. He had a little.
- [106:23]
Adam Carolla
He stood up.
- [106:24]
Ray Oldhoffer
He stood up, but then you.
- [106:25]
Adam Carolla
You stared at the table.
- [106:27]
Ray Oldhoffer
Listen, you stared him down. You let him, like, know that you weren't even kidding around. That's when the guy. You got to the guy. You could see it in his face. He turned. You know, he, like, knew that he was gonna have to really fight, and he's probably gonna lose.
- [106:40]
Adam Carolla
I don't know. I gave him a little the. Listen, I don't want to have to kick your ass, but I'm still gonna have to kick your ass because what you've done, you know, because I, you know, have to do it.
- [106:52]
Ray Oldhoffer
I. I was checking out. I was in admiration. It was a good. Big balls on that move.
- [106:57]
Adam Carolla
Christian told me the guy was big balls. Christian told me the guy was huge.
- [107:01]
Ray Oldhoffer
Oh, yeah, you forgot that part. No, the guy who hit him with a bottle was little. The big guy held him.
- [107:06]
Adam Carolla
Oh.
- [107:08]
Ray Oldhoffer
The perpetrator was small.
- [107:10]
Adam Carolla
Next time you talk to Chris, let's find out what happened. I could have fucking gotten brain damage.
- [107:15]
Ray Oldhoffer
I know.
- [107:15]
Adam Carolla
The dude's drained with that dude. Oh, okay. All right. Well, tell me off the air, because, I mean, I'm sure it was more than. I don't know why hit me the bottle of it.
- [107:23]
Ray Oldhoffer
I think the little dude who hit him with the bottle wanted to be with his girl and was with his girl prior kind of thing.
- [107:30]
Adam Carolla
All right. It's good times. I don't know if those guys are like cowboys that blew into town or something.
- [107:35]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah, but it was the 80s. Everybody wore cowboy boots. It was retarded.
- [107:40]
Adam Carolla
All right, should we take a little extended.
- [107:41]
Ray Oldhoffer
Never fit me?
- [107:43]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Ray's feet are too long or too wide or too something.
- [107:46]
Ray Oldhoffer
Yeah.
- [107:47]
Adam Carolla
All right, so until next time, this Adam Carolliford buddy Ray Oldhoffer saying mahalo.
- [107:55]
Ray Oldhoffer
Happy Halloween.
- [108:01]
Adam Carolla
All right, this is adam Koller show 677. That does it for Ace Kroll Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, follow and get it on.