A (2:52)

Well now you remind me of something because in all the sketch stuff I've done over the years and my background is really in sketch which I don't think people know about me or they know it about me, but it doesn't seem to fit whatever they have. People streamline things and simplify things but I'm really like if they were to give belts out for sketch. I might be a black belt in sketch and improvisation, undoubtedly group comedy, but I think people just think, he's a funny guy. He's good on his feet. He did construction, then he did radio, and now he's here. But I trained years and years and years, and I noticed that the guys who were really good at characters and really good at voices and just dove hard into their characters weren't much personality outside of that character. And they weren't even really that great at improv. But they would go deep into these characters and they'd go places you couldn't go because you're living kind of in real time and they weren't living in real time. And so I think there's a corollary with writers and standups and then people that are sort of good on their feet as well, without a doubt.

C (4:15)

And I think sketch writing is a completely separate skill than even writing a script. Writing a sketch. To me, writing a funny sketch is the hardest thing in comedy. You have to get a beginning, middle and end in such a short period of time. And the pressure to be funny jokes per second in a sketch is more intense than any other of our. Like anything more intense than Stand up now, because you can deal with stories. Chappelle will tell a story and wait till the end to give you a punchline. But a sketch needs to be funny throughout and has to have a good beginning, middle and end and is live. To me, it's the hardest thing in comedy to write. Without a doubt, it's such a specific skill.

A (5:02)

Yeah, I think a really good sketch is like a really good logo. There's a genius in how accessible it is and how brilliant it is, but how simple it is.

C (5:14)

It has to stay simple. Right? Because you only have a certain amount of time.

A (5:18)

For me, I ended up doing a lot of sketches over the years, but I ended up then when I went to the Man Show, I just brought that to it. So we were filming them, but they're edited and stuff. But they're essentially sketches. And one that I might be known for would be called Rest Assured. And it was a premise that I had long before the man show, which is I had a roommate. He was from Philadelphia. He was quite the bachelor. And in his nightstand was a pistol and handcuffs and porn and lube and stuff like that. He liked the ladies, you know, but his mom adored him. His mom worshiped him. So much so that she showed him from scratch a full size Batman outfit and sent it to him as a 30 year old.

D (6:23)

And I thought we talking Adam West, Batman.

C (6:26)

Is that something you tell your friends or you hide from your friends?

A (6:30)

I don't know. But your roommates know. My mom wouldn't have stolen a bathrobe for me from a holiday in, much less get down at a sewing machine and buy several yards of purple silk fabric. You know, like, literally constructed a Batman outfit, you know, way before Amazon.

C (6:50)

Yeah.

A (6:51)

Made one original cosplay.

C (6:53)

Well, they had them.

A (6:54)

Yeah, they had them for seven year olds, but they didn't have them for 30 year olds, you know, so she met. So she had great love for him. And, you know, I told him, look, if something ever goes south, I'll get to that nightstand before your mom gets here from the airport. You can count on me, you know.

C (7:15)

Yeah, that. Listen, by the way, but those three things in the nightstand with the Batman suit doesn't not, not make sense.

A (7:22)

No, I agree.

C (7:23)

That's in there.

A (7:24)

Put together, it all comes together.

D (7:26)

I'm getting lube on your 45.

A (7:28)

Yeah. So when I got to the man show, I came with this bit called Rest Assured where we have a. You can sign up for this Rest Assured system. It's sort of like life alert or something like that. Like when you go, they'll get to your place before your parents get to your place. And it's peace of mind. Like you sign up for it.

C (7:52)

Great idea, right?

A (7:54)

So the idea, in my world, it can be as outlandish as you want, but you have to go, yeah, I guess that does make sense. And then you have to kind of execute it, you know, and then you have to have a couple of twists, you know, a little twist or turn in it at some point. And then you need an ending and a button and it's all gotta be done in 2 minutes and 15 seconds or whatever that thing is.

C (8:23)

How long is like, are you shooting for a sketch to be two minutes? Is that.

A (8:27)

Basically we would do commercial parodies. And honestly, I would look like man show deodorant or masculout?

D (8:41)

Man ponds.

A (8:42)

Man ponds. Dr. Stefano's discount anal Emporium. Those are like Carl Malone.

C (8:51)

I did one short.

A (8:52)

Well, these are commercial paradise. And then we do sort of man on the Street. Adam goes to the hardware store and makes fun of people. That could be four minutes or three and a half. And the film, sketchy things. I don't know. We'll look when our computer's fixed, but I don't know if rest assured is 1:45 or 2:13 or whatever, but somewhere under 3 probably, I think.

C (9:14)

And you tell me, because this is the one thing, and I've done a lot and been successful across a lot of different platforms doing what we do. Sketch is something I've never been able to nail down. So do you think sketch is really basically finding one joke and hitting that joke as many times as you can in one sketch, Whether it's, you know, van down by the river, or just you're nailing this one joke, this one premise as many times as you can and then you get out. Is that basically what a sketch is? You're escalating it every time and until you can't escalate it anymore. Debbie Downer is the same joke every time.

A (9:51)

Right.

D (9:51)

It seems like I'll look at it from every perspective and then exhaust it and how much gets cut.

A (9:57)

My idea of a well executed sketch is not keep repeating Van down by the river or Debbie Downer. I like, like one of my favorite all time sketches is the one when I was at the Acme Theater is one named John McCann did as a friend. He was a writer. I'm still a writer, still a friend. And so a. It's gotta live in some kind of reality. So his sketch. And it's gotta be presented in some sort of way that lives in reality. So his sketch is. He went out and he addressed the audience who was at the Acme Theater as if they were attending a seminar. So first it's like he's breaking down the fourth wall. He's talking to the audience like, thank you for coming to this seminar for Skipper Ned Heem's Adventure Sea burials, which is. You could. I can remember, Zach, but you could do the Neptune Society, who will take your loved ones and cremate them and scatter their ashes over the open sea and you come home with a cargo hold full of grief. Or you could sign up for Skipper Ned Heem's Adventure burials, which is, we'll cremate the remains of the loved one, we'll scatter the ashes over the open sea, but after that we're going sport fishing.

C (11:19)

Yeah.

A (11:23)

And then every.

C (11:25)

So you kind of were using his fingers as bait.

A (11:28)

Yeah, they kind of. So then that's the main joke. Right?

C (11:33)

Right.

A (11:33)

So then everything off of that has to serve that premise.

C (11:37)

Right, but that's what I kind of mean. You are basing it off of one.

A (11:41)

You're basing it off of one, but you don't keep repeating it. Then he goes, you know, the ash taxis, a 42 inch, 42 foot thing with a flying gaff and a fighting chair. And I just as soon scuttle my own vessel than dock with a full can of beer. And then it's like he goes, well, Gus. Well, his first mate, Gus is a defrocked Jesuit. And while he's down below playing Chariots of Fire on the hornpipes, I'll be topside looking out for record schools of perch and bonita. So he's like taking funerals and fishing and combining him and it's like Gus. He goes, gus. Yeah, Gus is. Gus'll rig your drag, Gus'll adjust your tackle, rig your drag line and dry your tears. And he doesn't have to be.

C (12:38)

That's a great line.

A (12:39)

He doesn't have to be told twice to crack you a cold one. So everything is fishing, funeral. Fishing, funeral. It's the theme. So he's gonna. He's gonna adjust your tackle, he's gonna rig your drag line, he'll dry. He's dry your tears. And he doesn't need to be told twice to crack you a cold one.

D (12:59)

So riding room, was it manic? Like everybody's cracking up about the concept of the funeral boat?

A (13:04)

No, he just went home and rode it. And I love the sketch, you know, the monologue so much that I essentially memorized it through like a six month run. And so what you have is you got a premise and the premise is funny. It's odd and weird. No one's thought of it, but it's kind of like, yeah, yeah, go sport fishing, you know, and then everything serves funerals and sport. Like the idea that his first mate Gus is down below playing Chariots of Fire on the hornpipes while he's topside looking out for perch and bonita.

C (13:42)

Like, that's really funny.

A (13:44)

Right, right. So that's, to me, that's when it's at its best.

C (13:46)

What about a sketch like this is old snl? Do you remember a sketch called Pre Chew Charlie's? Where the idea was, is they would pre chew your steak so you didn't have to chew it.

D (13:57)

Oh.

C (13:58)

And so the, the guy would come over and serve you a steak and he'd cut a piece and he would chew it and then he would put it back on your plate and then you would just pick it up and swallow it. You never saw that.

D (14:06)

And that was just so Chris Kattan could spit in people's mouth.

A (14:09)

No, this is old.

C (14:10)

This is old school. Preacher Charlie's was old school, but things like that, because it's absurd. But you were like, it's one step Past reality.

A (14:21)

I like sketches like that. My feeling with sketch is I didn't like a lot of Monty Python stuff because I didn't like that parrot's not dead. That parrot's dead. That's like, okay. That's never. That's not a thing. But a system that you sign up for. Who cleans out all your dildos and porn if you die? That's like, okay.

C (14:44)

I could height and reality that I'm with, but I honestly would not hate somebody to come over and just wipe my Google search after I die.

A (14:53)

Yeah, I mean, that's the bit. It's actually not a terrible 25 years old, but so this would be the modern.

C (15:01)

It's not a terrible business.

A (15:03)

Netflix version of the blockbuster.

C (15:06)

That's right. They just come. I just need someone to wipe my phone, get rid of my Internet, get rid of my computer, come over Black ops my place. And then let's just run a giant.

D (15:18)

Magnet over everything in my life.

A (15:22)

We have preach you Charlie's. I've. I've seen most SNL stuff, but I do. I remember this one. You do? Okay.

C (15:30)

I. I pre.

A (15:33)

Hey. Hi. I preach you Charlie. Say if you've got dentures or you've just had your wisdom teeth pulled or your jaw broken, or if you just plain don't like to chew your own.

C (15:43)

Food, and who does?

A (15:45)

Why not come on down to Pre Chew Charlie's and check out the consummate yogurt and pudding bars, not to mention my famous pre chewed steaks.

D (15:55)

Hi, folks.

C (15:56)

You two enjoying your meal?

A (15:58)

Wow, Charlie, the tomato bisque and the applesauce are just great. I haven't even got to the whipped potatoes.

C (16:04)

Haven't you two forgotten something? I don't.

A (16:08)

What? Why, your steaks, of course. All right, who has a well done? All righty, here we go. Oh, yes. And when you come to preach you Charlie, you know that our steaks are the finest cuts of USDA inspected beef to your perfection. Hey, and while you're here, why not take home a can of our world famous Pre Chew peanut brittle. So come on down to Pre Chew Charlies, where you're going to get spoiled.

D (16:40)

Oh, no.

A (16:46)

Okay. All right. I love that bit. That's funny.

C (16:50)

It's so. Because it's so. It's heightened reality and I do like it. One of the things that when things are over the top, premise wise, if you can play it grounded in reality, it brings it back a little bit. If it's so over the top and you're playing it so over the top, I'M out. But these, they. They're playing it like. Yeah, this is. It's a regular advertisement. He's not over the top with his voice, with his. Chevy Chase is as un. Over the top as he gets.

A (17:18)

As he gets. Yeah.

C (17:19)

As he gets.

D (17:20)

But that guy's real mustache.

A (17:22)

If you.

C (17:23)

Bill Murray.

A (17:24)

Come on. That was Bill Murray.

D (17:27)

Oh, that's his name.

A (17:28)

Oh, don't be a. Stop it. All right. Do you have, like, the man we did Man Ponds. I don't know if our computer works or not, but Man Ponds, we've played it super straight. Yeah, and all we did is just a commercial parody. We just switched out. I don't know what would have been deodorant or something for Man Ponds, but it was, like, subdued and kind of quiet.

C (17:51)

But that's the best way to do something like that.

A (17:53)

Yeah, I agree. I agree. I'll show you Man Ponds.

C (17:58)

Did you write Man Ponds?

A (17:59)

No, I didn't write Man Ponds, but then when I did Dr. Stefano's Anal Emporium, that was way over the top, but it worked, but. All right, well, we'll see. We'll see Man Ponds here if our computer's working. Hey, buddy, you are sweating your ass off. I know, it's hot. No, I mean you're really sweating from the ass. Oh, no. Don't worry, pal. You just need a little help back there. This is my secret manhood. Sure, try it. It's like a cool spring breeze blowing through your ass cheeks. At this point, I'll try anything. Posterior perspiration is an embarrassing problem that can leave you feeling less than fresh. Squeeze discreetly between your cheeks. Grab a hot dog in a bunch to get your crack back on track. I love this chick at the end. Nice job. Hey, Jimmy, you look great. Did you get a haircut or something? Yeah, I got a haircut. Thanks, buddy. Don't thank me. Thank Man Pond.

D (19:36)

It's a classic, that's for sure.

C (19:38)

I'm not gonna lie to you. Those man pounds were bigger than I.

A (19:40)

Thought they were gonna be. Yeah.

D (19:41)

Yeah.

C (19:42)

That's not an easy application, right?

D (19:44)

8 inches to be excited.

C (19:47)

Can I. How. What was your writer's room like on there? Was it a big. Cause I worked on shows back in the day when you were allowed to have a big writer's room. It was like a full. Like when we did Chelsea. Lately, I think there were every morning, eight to 10 of us, I've heard, but it was like a room.

A (20:03)

Yeah.

D (20:04)

Was it wild? Like, were the guys throwing paper balls and, like, shitting each other's desk.

A (20:08)

Yeah. I mean, there was stuff. We had like 12, 13 riders, but most of them were like mascots.

C (20:16)

Yeah.

A (20:17)

They had like four that got all this stuff on the air. And then I had a writer's assistant. I would just go sit in his office and lay on the floor and just start talking about stuff. Picture.

C (20:28)

But you were, you had the networks put money into things that were important. Like to me, writers room. When you start taking money away from shows and you start in the writers room, that's a huge problem. And one of the reasons I think back then the shows were successful is so we had 10 people in the room.

A (20:46)

Right.

C (20:46)

In Chelsea.

A (20:47)

Right.

C (20:47)

So. And she was very specific about having different voices in the writing room. So you had. When you were pitching, you were pitching from every angle.

A (20:57)

Right, right.

C (20:57)

And now when you have these small writers rooms, you're pitching from one angle.

A (21:01)

Yeah.

C (21:01)

Which doesn't make, doesn't make. I think the jokes aren't as good because you're going down one street all the time. And when you have a big room.

A (21:10)

Yeah.

C (21:10)

You know what I mean?

A (21:11)

Yeah, yeah. Lots of diversity. I mean, all white are Jewish, but I mean different parts of the country, different experience. Y. We have, we have Sephardic. Yeah.

C (21:21)

You've got Studio City Jewish.

A (21:22)

You got Beverly Hills Jewish. Encino Jew. Yeah, it's a different Jewish. Different Jew. We have the North American domesticated. We have the dangerous Israeli Jew.

C (21:31)

No, you gotta dance around. There's five or six different types of Jews in the Valley alone.

A (21:35)

Oh, yeah.

C (21:36)

There's a Glendale Jew which leans Armenian, which is weird.

A (21:39)

Yeah. Different kind of Jew.

D (21:40)

D around hob on the Gila the whole time.

A (21:43)

That is a cologne driven catback exhaust system Jew, which you don't see that.

D (21:52)

Thing got a Hemi.

C (21:53)

My dad used to call me the only white trash Jew he had ever met.

A (21:58)

Oh, yeah.

C (21:59)

Because he would walk. I was single dad raising three kids. We lived in one room in. He told me one day he walked in, he goes, you know, I half expect next time I walk in here to see like a velvet picture of Neil diamond on your wall.

A (22:16)

That is white trash.

D (22:18)

It's supposed to be Elvis.

C (22:21)

Yeah, but have you seen the clips, by the way, for Hugh Jackman in the Neil Diamond?

A (22:26)

Yes, I have. That seems off.

C (22:30)

Yeah, I. First of all, I'm an unabashed fan of Neil Diamond. Fuck off if you're going to give me shit for Neil Diamond. I'm on board for Neil Diamond.

A (22:39)

It Right.

C (22:41)

But I, I need to get to the Bottom of this, Hugh Jackman singing and dancing.

A (22:47)

Yeah, well, I mean he can sing and he can dance.

D (22:51)

He's classically trained, I believe. Is he ballerina even?

A (22:53)

Oh, yeah, he does lots of music.

D (22:56)

Ballerina, yeah, he's yeah. Good dancer.

A (22:59)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he does. He does a lot of Broadway and lots of musicals.

C (23:03)

Yeah.

A (23:04)

So he's got that part going for him.

C (23:08)

I'm on board. I'm also a huge Kate Hudson fan. Have you listened to any of her singing?

A (23:15)

She's a great singer.

C (23:16)

Holy shit.

A (23:17)

I know.

C (23:18)

And you know, when she first started singing, she didn't lean into her fame and she played like a bunch of really small, from what I understand, 50, 100 person places just to get used to being on stage. But she can fucking straight up sing. And she's one of the sexiest people when she's singing. It's like, oh my God. Yeah, she it's almost like she missed her calling and was born to be a rock star.

A (23:47)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. And you know Hudson, she's of the Hudson Brothers who were like singing Saturday morning whatever group back in the day.

C (23:58)

I didn't know that they were a group.

A (24:00)

Yeah, the Hudson brothers were a group. And I mean, I don't know if they were sort of Hanson, you know, Brie Hanson, but the Hudson's and they had like a Saturday morning show on abc. They did, yeah.

C (24:18)

By the way, I knew I wanted to talk to you about something. I saw a clip the other day that I had never seen before that I'm sure you can help educate me on. I saw Karen Carpenter playing drums. Yeah, I had never seen her play drums before.

A (24:32)

She was the drummer in the band.

C (24:34)

She was so fucking good, dude. Her style was so ridiculous. And I don't know that there were a lot of female drummers in bands back then. No, but her style is so fucking amazing. I went I deep dive a little.

A (24:50)

After watching one from back in the day was Phyllis Collins, who is Phil Collins sister. Not made that up.

C (24:57)

Oh, I was gonna say Phyllis and Phil.

A (24:59)

That would be so rough. No, they. Karen Carpenter was behind the drum kit and you know, I guess sort of a Don Henley thing or something. And they eventually. Or Phil Collins and they eventually they go, oh, you gotta move up to the front. To the front. Yeah.

C (25:15)

Watching the drummers sing are always very'.

D (25:19)

Cause you have to be seated. Yeah. So you know, your diaphragm's up this way and you're getting down.

C (25:24)

I'm for sure coordinated to be able to remember all of this. And this, Well, I figured for an.

D (25:31)

Expert drummer, you could have a conversation and then the next, you know, strengthening your diaphragm. You could do it with enough practice.

A (25:37)

I don't know. I've always had, I'm with you. And that I have a great appreciation for people who drum and sing at the same time. Because I don't feel like I could separate the two activities.

D (25:50)

Every sparring day, I'm singing the whole time you're singing. Every time I'm sparring, I like will sing or I'll rap at the guys. It feels natural. Cause it's a rhythmic motion. You can talk in between.

A (26:02)

Yeah, I mean, I can get.

D (26:04)

I fight the boys that I'll rap the old dirty bastard at him.

A (26:07)

I can buy that. I don't feel like I would drum and sing. I feel. And I've always weirdly singled that out. Like, I go through life where I see these guys curling and I go, yeah, give me a few beers, I could do it. I see the guy from the Romantic singing, what I like about you behind the drum kit, I go, can't do that.

C (26:32)

I agree with you 100%. It's almost like I look at it like it's the one thing in life I'll never be able to understand.

A (26:39)

I think we have Karen Carpenter doing a drum solo and singing. Oh, nice. Okay, here she is.

C (26:50)

Look at her style, dude. So effortless.

A (27:00)

Oh, wow.

C (27:03)

Look at her style is so. Dude, this is.

A (27:10)

Yeah, I didn't. I just knew she was the drummer. I didn't know she was a really good drummer.

C (27:14)

I do, I was. I went down a rabbit hole with her playing and she's so next level as a drummer. I couldn't.

A (27:23)

Yeah, I don't even. I can't even say that I know enough about drumming to know. I mean, you know when you see her, you go, oh, that looks good. Like she knows what she's doing.

C (27:32)

Yeah, that was very impressive because I had just watched that becoming Zeppelin Doc. And I kind of went down a rabbit hole of drummers. And I started to watch and read about people talking about her.

A (27:46)

Uh huh.

C (27:47)

And I was like, oh, let me take a look. It's like when people talk about Ringo Starr and you're like, how good was he? But then when you listen to other drummers talk about him, there's a nuance to what he did that I'm like.

A (28:00)

Okay, I don't know. I told this to Carrot Top and I brought up Ringo to him. And maybe the last time we were together, we were on stage with Carrot Top in Vegas. And Carrot Top was sort of the butt of the comedy jokes all through the 90s. And you're gonna end up like Carrot Top, or you gotta get a trunk with baby on board. Is a baby staple to a surfboard or something like that. And he was. And then all of a sudden you hear people going, you know, karatav. And that guy's really, really funny. And I'm like, first off, was he that unfunny? And is he this funny or is this some sort of compensation swing from all the fragging we did for all those years? And then I said, and he realizes it. I said, it's the same with Ringo Starr. A lot of like, oh, this guy's the Ringo of this four man basketball team. He's always like, the Ringo is the talentless guy who's dragged along and not doing anything. And then all of a sudden, after two decades of that, we're like, you know, he's a really good drummer. He's probably top three, top four of all time. It's like all you did was make fun of him for 20 years and now he's a great and accomplished drummer. And so is it a kind of Carrot Top thing? Which isn't to say Ringo's not a good drummer and Carrot Top's not a good comedian. But did we swing it too?

D (29:24)

Wait till Ringo dies and they find all that porn?

A (29:26)

Oh, yeah.

C (29:27)

I don't want to know what kind of porn Ringo Starr was into. All yoko.all yoko.com. i'm going to Google that one.

A (29:36)

So I think there are people, in a way, Andrew Dice Clay went through a little that was like he was top of the world. Then it's like, okay, he's a joke. And now it's like, he's really funny.

C (29:46)

Paulie too? Yeah, Paulie's bat on the upswing, but that, you know.

A (29:53)

But is it on the upswing because we're making fun of them for so long or because they're doing something, you know, different and dynamic and better?

C (30:02)

I don't know the answer to that.

A (30:03)

I think it's. I think it's compensation for us.

C (30:06)

When's. When's Judge Reinhold coming back? That's what I mean. He had, he's, he went to that bottom. He was a punchline for a while. And now let's bring Judge Reinhold back. I find it so funny that in our business, when you call someone B list or has been that it's some sort of insult. But the truth of the matter Is Judge Reinhold is in the 1%. His career is in the 1% of people who have ever done this.

A (30:33)

This is one of the best rock drummers to ever climb behind a kid. Who Judge Reinhold. Oh, oh, we're talking acting.

C (30:39)

Yeah.

A (30:39)

Oh, okay.

C (30:40)

Who's Judge Reinhold? Plays drums. Oh.

A (30:44)

You just knocked yourself out of the 1%, bro. You're no longer in the 1% of comedy by not getting that super simple joke.

D (30:54)

The top 250 kicks you out NFL right?

A (30:56)

Out of the top 10%. Oh, my God. Yes, of course. Listen, I say it all the time. Like, they go, you know, a golfer, a tennis player, a race car driver. And they go, was that guy any good? I go, do you know his name? Yeah. Okay, because you only know the name of seven race car drivers and nine golfers and four tennis players. Like, if you know his fucking name, that's something. Yeah, well, he's in some rarefied air if you even know the person's name.

C (31:27)

Some of my favorite clips are, like, the 12th man off of an NBA bench playing pickup games with dudes in the park who think they can beat him. And just like Brian Scalabrini, that dude with red hair used to play for the Celtics. People just thought he was a scrub because he was this giant white dude who was 12th dude off the bench. But there. There are Internet videos of him just white, and he goes hard at people. He's a big dude. He bodies him up. He fucking dunks on him, and he talks mad shit.

A (31:57)

Really?

C (31:58)

Yeah. The Brian Scalabrini videos online of him beating people are some of my favorites.

A (32:05)

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. We're all guilty as human beings of sitting and watching somebody do something and.

D (32:12)

Go, I could do.

A (32:13)

You know, I could do that.

C (32:16)

It's like when anybody calls, questions, anybody's toughness in the ufc, okay, if you're judging them against other people in the ufc, maybe some are tougher than others, but every dude in the UFC is tougher than you. Sitting at home watching it on.

D (32:31)

I had an old show that was all about that, where tough guys thought they could fight trained mixed martial artists.

C (32:37)

Is that true?

D (32:39)

Fully beat down. It was a classic show translated to, like, 42 languages. It's a really good.

C (32:44)

And did any of the bullies ever win?

D (32:46)

Well, one guy gamed the system and stalled out the fighter, and the fighter really didn't understand the task at hand. The wild man, Denny, was just, like, beating the guy's ass, giving him a concussion, but not playing by the rules. Where he lost all the money. So, yeah, in that way, I guess somebody won, right? But at what cost? It was a pyric victory.

C (33:05)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting your ass beat is not a victory.

D (33:09)

Hey, it's definitely not a good Saturday night.

C (33:12)

No, not at all.

A (33:15)

Simply safe. I want to talk about home security for just a minute. For years, I just thought it was about having an alarm that goes off once someone's already kicked in your door and standing in your entry hall. But by then, I think it's a little bit too late. The guy's already in the house helping himself to your TV and your Pop Tarts and all your durable goods. Well, that's the problem. Traditional security, well, that's reactive. That's why I use Simplisafe. They're flipping the whole model. Proactive instead of reactive. So here's how it works. Smart cameras powered by AI can tell the difference between a squirrel and some guy lurking in your yard. It's about stopping crime before it gets to your front door. So don't wait until after the damage is done. Get proactive. Protect with Simplisafe. That's Simplisafe, right, Dawson? You can get 50% off your new Simplisafe system with professional monitoring. And your first month free@simplisafe.com Adam. Just head to simplisafe.com Adam to claim your discount and make sure your home is safe. This year. Keep your home, your family, and your peace of mind. Protection with Simplisafe. There's no safe like SimpleLife.

B (34:34)

This September, CBS Hits are streaming free on Pluto TV. I'm coming in hot for this month only. You can watch full seasons of the CBS shows you love, from the courtroom drama of Matlock to the heroics of Fire Country. Go back to where it all began in NCIS Origins. Or watch the hilarious hauntings of ghosts, all for free. Full seasons of the CBS shows you love. This month only on Pluto tv. Stream now pay never.

A (35:06)

All right, so a clip to get into with all the Charlie Kirk stuff. And, you know, for me, I guess the minds go in different places with these kinds of tragedies and situations. And for me, I'm kind of more the person that wants to examine the reactions versus the actual events. The events are baked into life. The assassinations, the plane crashes, the car crashes, the weird tragedies, the cut down in their prime, cut short, that kind of stuff. It's sad and I'd like it to. To go away, but it's kind of baked in to me. We were talking Beatles, John Lennon gunned down in the streets. Why? It's like, yeah, I don't know why, but it seems to be baked in to our culture, all cultures, really. Just the tragedy and the sort of random tragedy of life. And so to me, when something like that happens, I tend to, like, focus on our society and how we react and what we do, you know? And, like, when John Lennon gets gunned down in cold blood, then appropriately, the following Sunday, you know, 250,000 people show up at the park and light a candle. Yeah. And they give peace a chance, you know? And then you go, all right, but you don't have people on news channels making fun of John Lennon. You know what I mean? It wasn't acceptable. And we didn't have the Internet back then, but I imagine there wouldn't have been a lot of trolls talking shit about John Lennon back then. Now, there would be.

C (37:03)

There would be, but there have been. I don't know if you remember, maybe four or five years ago, people started to dissect Imagine and take Apart like that. It wasn't a positive song. And the things he was saying. And I'm like, what are we doing that we're dissecting Imagine 40 years later.

A (37:22)

Yeah. You know, I do hate that song. But, yes, I know.

C (37:25)

You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

A (37:27)

So there's a clip. And then I also kind of realized. So there was some controversy last week, which is the TMZ was doing their livestream, and they heard raucous laughter, raucous laughter and cheering. And I wanted to kind of break it down. Then they gave an excuse that that was because of a car chase. But when you sync up the timelines and you watch the car chase, it's pretty much a Daihatsu charade just going through LA at a medium speed. There's no explosion, there's no pit maneuver. There's no rumble strip that popped the tires. There's nothing spectacular. There's nothing going on in the car chase that would elicit a reaction. I've seen a million car chases, and the way car chases work is you just sit there and watch them. And then at some point, the guy T bones a gardener truck, and you go, whoa. But you don't really cheer or laugh. You just go, oh, there's no cheering.

C (38:30)

We don't know who's in the car. You're not rooting for anybody for sure.

A (38:33)

Right. So here's the tape, and he's doing a live stream, and you can hear what sounds like the cheers and we'll just play it. So my guess is we're going to see an image of this guy so.

D (38:47)

Unusual to watch, possibly in the next 20 minutes.

A (38:49)

The news conference is scheduled superimposed on the car, 3 o', clock, Utah time, which is 2pm Pacific.

C (38:57)

Go ahead.

A (38:58)

Well, I wanted to let you know that President Trump has said Charlie Kirk has died. Go to. All right, so there's clapping and cheering. I'll show you the naked one without the car footage in it. But it's synced up and the car can't even be seen. It's behind a building and it's driving at kind of pedestrian speeds down a side street.

D (39:24)

That's the 300 underdog. Got the knockout kind of cheer.

A (39:29)

Yes, yes. We'll play it to you without the superimposed.

C (39:32)

Oh, that's not what I was expecting him to look like.

A (39:34)

Whatever.

D (39:35)

He's a lawyer.

A (39:37)

Sorry. Visual of the shooter, if he's still on the loose, because they want to find him. So I would think that that's one of the main reasons they're holding this news conference. So my guess is we're going to see an image of this guy possibly in the next 20 minutes. The news conference is scheduled for 3 o' clock and Utah time, which is 2 o' clock Pacific, 5 o' clock Eastern. Janet, Go, go, go to. All right, so it's women. Seems like women clapping and hooting now. I watch TMZ and TMZ has a sort of. Has the peanut gallery and there's probably 15 to 20 people around. And there's like one and a half conservative guys and the other are just super progressive chicks. I mean, it's not a full two.

C (40:38)

Yeah.

A (40:38)

And they're super. The chicks are super motivated liberals. And they're loud. Like, they're like, you know, you can hear them. And so there's no doubt. And they said, oh. So they had to try to walk this back and say they were reacting to a car chase. Women don't really care about car chases. They don't clap, they don't shriek, they're not that loud. They don't celebrate. So they were cheering the fact that Charlie Kirk had died. Okay, so then you go, well, what is it about that? Well, first things first. I don't think that women. And this is a societal thing. And it's what's going on now. And I've been complaining about for a long time and no one will listen to me. Everyone thinks I'm a douchebag. But they're not as good at Lady Gaga, aside the poker face, if you said to one, if they had an arch enemy and you just told this woman, Veronica's dead, she'd let out a cheer. Just spontaneously. They're not that good at the keep it turned down. Their emotions are going to get out. So, like, a guy would think, a guy might think, I'm glad Charlie Kirk is dead. But he wouldn't vocalize. He wouldn't spontaneously make that noise in a public environment. You know what I mean? So they reacted, and they're happy about it because they're very progressive and very liberal. And if you think Charlie Kirk is going to help Hitlerian guys seize power and become the President of the United States, then it would make sense for you to cheer on his demise. And I've said this a million times. I'm not even. It's weirdly, it's not an attack against those people. The French Resistance were doing the right thing. There was a guy named Adolf Hitler. He was taking over Europe, and they fought him and they fought him by any means possible. They faked IDs and they got outfits and they forged papers and stuff. And we applaud it because we go, you're trying to stop this Hitler who's trying to take over Europe. Well, if you keep calling Trump Hitler, then the people that attempt to assassinate him or assassinate his lieutenants or his generals or the people like Charlie Kirk that were responsible for putting him in office, then it all tracks. It all makes sense to me.

C (43:17)

And listen, man, I would say that I am far right of Los Angeles, but I bet you I'm more left than a lot of people who listen to this show. And I really do consider myself somebody who lives in the middle because I'm somebody who's always thought, if you have four years of Democrats, you should immediately then have four years of Republic Republicans, because that's how. That's what this country is. And people who live in a country, I feel like, need to be heard. Because when you're not heard and you're pushed underground, what happens? Yeah, you come up fighting, right? So I have always felt, whether I agree with it or not, every 50% of the country, which is what we're usually split up in, needs to be serviced. You can't just have, you know, 16 years of Democrats because what's going to come out is a bunch of angry fucking people. You can't have 16 years of Republicans because what's going to come out is angry people. People need to be hurt. So I think, though, at the same Time with the left. Dehumanizing. Because that's what that is. When you're calling somebody Hitler in that group Hitler, you're dehumanizing them.

A (44:23)

Yeah.

C (44:23)

At the same time, when all you do is refer to. I hear from people all the time. Oh, you're. You're one of the good ones. What does that mean?

A (44:31)

Good Jews?

C (44:32)

Yeah. Yeah.

A (44:33)

What does that mean? Barely a Jew, much sugar, half Jew. Yeah, you're Jew, Billy, I gotta tell.

C (44:38)

You somebody, because I'm full Jewish, but somebody told me the other day, you don't. You know, you don't look Jewish. And I was like, you know what? By the way, I'm not offended by that. I take it as a compliment.

A (44:47)

Yeah, you could almost be Italian.

C (44:49)

That's way better than looking like Seinfeld. But point being, if you're on the other side and all you say is radical left and these people want to destroy our countries, it's the same thing. You're dehumanizing an entire group of people, which makes it easier to do terrible things to that group.

A (45:06)

Yeah, right. No, I agree. I think the difference. And then we'll be honest here, which is. I think it's policy versus person. You know, I live in California, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, Gavin Newsom with this fucking clean needle exchange program that just means more junkies at the park. Or he wants the. He wants the girls to be able to use the boys bathroom, and the boys, as long as they identify. That's so destructive. But I don't say he's Hitler. You know what I mean? So when your policy is bad, it'd be nice if you change course on your policy, but you don't need to be killed. Your policy needs to change. But if you are Hitler, then you do need to be put in the ground. And so I would argue, and it's a weird thing because the left goes, we gotta tone down the rhetoric. And then they go, he's Hitler. Yeah, that's not right. And it's like, you can't do that. You have to go, let's tone down the rhetoric. I think his policies are bad. I think tariffs are gonna hurt this nation. I think what he's doing with ice or whatever, but as soon as you start doing the. He's weaponized ice, they're collecting citizens off the street and disappearing them into gulags, you know? Well, now that guy's gotta. Going to the ground, and that's where we're at. Do you have that Jen Psaki clip? I told you From Cuz it's a.

C (46:28)

The rhetoric in general, dude, it's all heated.

A (46:31)

It's so I see. I don't know, I'm pushing back because what I'm saying is I don't think the rhetoric is ever gonna go away as long as our policies are that far apart.

C (46:44)

I agree.

A (46:44)

Okay, so you go, I agree. You go. I want the border shut down, locked down tight. Then you're like, I'm not gonna put National Guard at the border. Okay, so we're never gonna agree. And there's gonna be a rhetoric. There's gonna be a rhetoric, but the difference is calling somebody Hitler or calling them a dictator or whatever it is, that's who gets the sniper's bullet. The rhetoric and the disagreement and I said good day sir and storm out of the building. Stuff that's, that doesn't require a bullet. Hitler requires a bullet. That's the thing. And if you're using logical terms, anybody in the war department of Hitler, like any of the lieutenants or any of the folks that are behind him or trying to get him elevated, need a bullet as well. And that's the problem we're at. So here's the problem. Jen Psaki is up there talking to astronaut Kelly and Trump releases a statement. And Trump basically says what I'm saying, which is you can't keep calling these people this and not expect attempts to be made on their life. Not only is it logical, but if it's true, then it is a patriotic move to attempt this. I mean, Hitler. We don't look down at the guy who tried to blow up Hitler with the attache case in Valkyrie with Tom Cruise. I mean that guy's a hero.

C (48:16)

Worst accent ever.

A (48:17)

Right, But a hero for trying to do that because he was Hitler.

C (48:22)

Yes.

A (48:23)

Well if you believe this, then it's almost a duty is what I'm saying.

C (48:27)

I hadn't thought of that.

A (48:28)

Yeah, I don't think they believe it. I think they and they say it and a handful of people believe it. But we'll listen to Jen Psaki here.

E (48:36)

But he put out a four minute video and I'm not gonna play the video, I don't wanna play the video. But there was a line at the end that I think is, I just wanted to raise and read at the end of this four minute video. He says, for years those on the radical left have compared wonderful Americans like Charlie to Nazis and the world's most worst mass murderers and criminals. This kind of rhetoric is directly responsible for the terrorism that we're seeing in Our country today, and it must stop right now. And obviously there's a lot of rhetoric that is problematic. A lot of it is coming from one particular side and from one particular building. But what can be done, I fear, when this is an escalation already in less than 24 hours of this shooting.

A (49:17)

Yeah, right. All right, so she's calling it an escalation.

C (49:21)

I have a question, though.

A (49:22)

Okay, Right. But you can. I'll just say this like you can go low IQ Jeb Bush or sleepy Hillary Clinton. You don't need a bullet for sleepy, you need a bullet for Hitler.

C (49:34)

I agree.

A (49:35)

And she is saying, he's saying, stop calling people Hitler. That's what's causing this. And she's going, what's with the rhetoric? Why is that rhetoric?

C (49:45)

Let me ask you a question, and I'm curious what your honest opinion is. Why do you think the Charlie Kirk story, I mean, honestly, one of the reasons it's never gonna go away is cuz we all watched it, and so that makes it so much more prominent in our brains. But why is the Charlie Kirk story bigger than the kids who died in the high school yesterday or the senator who died at her house in Minnesota? Like, why do you think?

D (50:14)

Because he took on an adversarial role with the trans community and the lgbt.

C (50:19)

Bt I'm with you. I'm with you. But what, What, Why does that. Why is this such a point the arrow moment as opposed to somebody who came to a senator's house and killed him or somebody, or we still have kids dying multiple times in schools. So, like, it's such a crazy thing to me. And by the way, nobody should die for having different opinions. Yeah, but the fact that kids died in a high school yesterday and that story, or whenever in that story is buried is. It's such a crazy moment in time for me to be like, are we. This is not even top news in our country is kind of crazy to me.

D (50:58)

Yeah, it is America.

A (50:59)

Well, I mean, going back to. There's a kind of pragmatic side to what you're asking, which is if George Clooney dies on vacation in Mexico, it's a bigger story than Judge Reinhold dying on vacation in Mexico just cause that's who we are. And you go, well, they're both, both actors. What about Judge Reinhold? It's like, well, one's more on the tip of people's tongues. People know the senator and her husband and the dog or something. It's horrible. But I didn't know her before the.

D (51:35)

News so there's like just lambasted him in a recent episode, south park did.

A (51:40)

Oh, Charlie Kerr.

C (51:41)

Yes.

A (51:41)

Oh yeah, yeah.

D (51:42)

Cause Cartman did a whole show because.

A (51:44)

He'S an element of that. And I think that's always gonna be a well known person versus 12th man on the NBA team. Sort of when Michael Jordan goes, it'll be a bigger deal than the ginger who's school enough guys at the park can't even remember his name.

C (52:00)

And the fact that we had six different angles of it and all that shit.

A (52:04)

Yeah.

D (52:05)

And he's a meme, like an active meme.

A (52:07)

He has been for years also. I think at age 31, his potential, like a lot of people said he would have been the president at some point, you know, so like, like it is a little bit of that. If you had a time machine, would you kill Hitler kind of thing. Like if you were super hard left and you bought into Charlie Kirk being Hitlerian and evil and racist and homophobic and stuff like that, then he could be the President in 20 years or 18 years or whatever it is. So now we're dealing with that. My thing is all the talk in the world is fine and all the disagreement in the world is fine and all calling JD Pritzker fat or something. I don't like it, but it's fat. I don't have to kill fat guy.

C (53:02)

You don't have to kill fat guy.

A (53:03)

Right. And so I'm saying keep it all. Get rid of the Hitlerian dictator part, which they won't get rid of. But if you get rid of that part, I think you'll have less assassination attempts. That's what I'm saying.

C (53:16)

I do think you're like, it's an interesting thing I hadn't thought of, but almost. If you are thinking that this dude is Hitler, you're right. It almost feels patriotic to be like, well then for the country, like I hadn't thought about that.

D (53:32)

For the good of humanity.

C (53:33)

I hadn't thought about that. In the danger in calling these people dictator.

A (53:37)

Well, and also I would say this as a guy who knows people on the right and left and I'll say this, I know who Charlie Kirk, Dennis Prager, Tucker Carlson, sort of pre before he really started spinning out in the last few months. But I know I met, spent time with, had conversations with. I know all these guys, they're nice guys and they're smart and they have a different opinion. But the thing that I'd realized is like I disagree with Anderson Cooper and I disagree with George Clooney. And I disagree with all these people, but I don't think they're bad people. I know who they are. I don't think George Clooney's evil. George Clooney's a super nice dude. He cares a lot. I think he comes from a position that's not. He's a mom who loves the kid, who says, let him eat candy for breakfast. I love him. And the dad is going, you're rotting his teeth out. Give him some. Some fucking broccoli. And you're going, he doesn't like broccoli. And I leave him alone. And I'm like, I don't think she doesn't love her son. I feel like she's doing something that's going the wrong direction and the kid's getting fat. But I never accuse her of not having great love for son. And there's millions of sort of Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel. There's many people on the left record. Those are bad people. Those are like family people, and they love their family. They love their nation and stuff like that. The right gets, you know. And so I remember once I was. I had a. I watched football here on Sundays with my. With the boys, years ago or something. And I just got done. Tucker Carlson came to town, and I did some stuff with him, and I said to him, what are you doing in town? He said, I'm going home Sunday morning or whatever. And I go, oh, well, I'm doing a set at the Comedy Store Saturday night. You want to come by? And he goes, yeah, I guess. I go, well, what are you doing? He goes, I'm just at the hotel. I ain't got nothing to do. My wife and kids are. No one's here. I go, well, why don't we. I'll pick you up, we'll go out to dinner, and then we'll go to the Comedy Store and I'll do a set in the main room. Crowded. He's got, like, you know, baseball hat, sunglasses, Woody Allen nose attached to the glasses, scarf collar, pop. He comes. Trench coat comes sliding in there. And then. So the next day, I went to watch football Sunday night, Sunday morning. And so when I walked in, people were like, hey, what's going on, man? What's been going on? I said, well, you know, it's funny. Last night I was. I went out with Tucker Carlson, went to the Comedy Store, which is. You just got to picture Tucker Carlson walking into the Comedy Store, right? And one of the guys, maybe two of the guys, I said, yeah, I was out with Tucker Carlson. We had dinner and then we went to. I just heard my friend. He's going, bad dude. Bad dude. It's a bad dude. And I said, he's not a bad dude. You don't know. By the way, you have a cartoon version of him that MSNBC stuffs up your fucking ass. You don't get to know any of these people. You don't know who Charlie Kirk is. You don't know Dennis Prager is. You don't know Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity. You don't know who any of these guys are. You just think they're evil. And if you're evil, you gotta be stopped. And that's part of the problem. I think the right disagrees with Anderson Cooper, but doesn't think he's evil or bad. It's just like, I don't like that guy. I disagree with his policies. There's a small group that, that hates him, but I don't think anybody hates George Clooney. They just think he's misguided or he's on the wrong side of whatever settlement.

C (57:31)

What about Rachel Maddow?

A (57:34)

They don't need her. Stopped. Silenced and stopped are not the same. Two things. You can be put in a cage on an island and silence. No, they think she's dumb, basically. Or no, they think she's a liar or whatever, she's getting paid. But. But nobody questions whether they love their kids or they love their country or whatever that thing is. And I'm just saying the left gets a cartoon version of who these guys are. They should figure out, and it's incumbent upon them to do a little more homework. Like when someone goes, why does this guy want to close the border? Cuz he hates Mexicans. There's no nuance in life at all. When I said I did 20 minutes on I want you to feed your own kids. I don't want the government feeding you. I don't want your kid getting used to the government. The government's feeding your kids. Slop. I want them to know mom and dad are providing for them. And 10 minutes later, Huffington posts like, Adam doesn't like kids. Adam wants kids. Yeah, I want kids to starve. That's who I am. I yell it into a microphone so everyone will think Adam Carolla doesn't like kids and wants them to go hungry.

C (58:47)

Yeah, but it's too.

A (58:48)

It's so simple. And by the way, they know it.

C (58:51)

But you know better than anyone that nuance does not sell tickets. Nuance does not give clicks. That is not so. We're not at truth level for most people.

A (59:03)

No, I get it. But I think the thing I think the difference is, is I believe that whoever's on Fox News hates George Clooney every bit as much as Rachel Maddow hates Tucker Carlson or whatever. So that's true. But they never go bad person. They just go, that guy's a dope. He's misguided. He's his Hollywood friends. You know what I mean? But they never go into evil. They don't stray into evil.

C (59:33)

There is. And I'm not sticking up for either side because I think everybody. We're so tribalized right now that we've dehumanized people that we don't agree with in general. I think.

A (59:46)

No, I don't see, they'll say. They'll go, that Clooney guy, hey, good actor. I liked a lot of his movies, but he doesn't know what he's doing on whatever.

C (59:59)

Every person that I speak to, when I tell them at my shows and meet and greets that I moved out of la, they're like, because all the pedophiles, right? I'm like, what do you mean, all the pedophiles?

A (60:08)

Oh, yeah.

C (60:08)

Do you think that everybody, in every actor, everybody's a pedophile?

A (60:13)

No, it's probably 50. And I'm not a pedophile. Mayhem. So do the math.

D (60:20)

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

A (60:22)

50. 50. And it ain't me. It's. To me.

C (60:25)

It's a bummer in general, man. And I hear what you're saying.

A (60:28)

Yeah. But I also think that. Okay, there's another thing. And then we'll do news, which is there's an extreme right and extreme left. And the extreme right is the pedophile Jew space laser thing or something.

C (60:46)

I wish I could control the weather.

D (60:47)

Dude, listen, I'm on 1, 2, 3, and 4chan.

C (60:51)

How amazing if I could control the weather from Vegas.

A (60:54)

Oh, my God. Yeah.

C (60:55)

Honestly, dude. And people like Juice control Hollywood. I'm like, I've never booked a role in anything.

A (61:00)

I know. You don't look Jewy enough.

C (61:03)

I look Jewy enough.

A (61:04)

You should amp your Jew up a little bit.

C (61:07)

How should I do that, you think?

D (61:08)

Listen, point that space laser right at the casting direction.

C (61:11)

Should I just keep pulling the nose out? Should I droop my face a little more? How can I get more Jewy?

A (61:16)

I'll tell you.

D (61:17)

Get circumcised again.

A (61:19)

I'll tell you. Yeah, double circumcision. Walk in with a limp to your next audition and go, sorry, it's just the second circumcision. It wasn't like the old foreskin was growing back, but it wasn't. Not.

C (61:36)

It was smaller than a skin tag but bigger than a mole covered by.

A (61:42)

Her ppo and say, take your language and switch it around. Don't go, do you want me to come back later? Say you want I should come back later? So you see what I mean? It's just a flipping of the sentence. You want I should come back later. Yeah, yeah, that's the way, baby.

D (62:01)

Sing Fiddler of the Roof soundtrack and.

A (62:05)

Then come in complaining, like, over nothing. $3 for parking. $3 for parking. Who am I, Elon Musk over here? What am I Elon? Am I Elon Musk over here? $3.

C (62:18)

Yeah, and repeat it a couple times, right? You have to say it a couple. And to everybody you say, small hats.

D (62:24)

Are in fashion as well.

C (62:26)

I have to say, I'm so bummed out by the yarmulke. It's such a terrible fashion choice.

A (62:31)

It's a non hat. It's really, give me a hat or.

C (62:36)

Don'T give me a hat.

D (62:37)

I would like to convert so I can cover up my bald spot.

A (62:40)

It is.

D (62:40)

I mean, the bologna pats are starting to show through.

A (62:42)

It is perfectly made for that scalp Male pattern balance.

C (62:46)

I think that's why they made it, because Jews.

D (62:48)

Ball one hundy.

A (62:49)

This is not a winky dinky. Nice coincidence.

D (62:53)

Shelverstein.

C (62:54)

Shelverstein.

A (62:55)

I don't know.

D (62:56)

Is that a Jewish name?

A (62:57)

You've never met a Jew in your.

D (62:59)

Hey, I told me once.

C (63:00)

25.

D (63:01)

I thought y' all showed up in movies.

A (63:04)

Shelverstein. Shelverstein. The. There's. Oh, my God. Yeah. So anyway, go up an octave. Repeat it. Complain about stuff.

C (63:18)

Do you think I'll get more.

A (63:20)

You know, it's good. I'll tell you what to do, too. That's a good chewy thing. Ask for stuff they don't offer on the menu. Either on the menu or like when you go in for the casting call, where they go, would you like still or bubbly water? And then you go, do you have orange juice?

C (63:36)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A (63:36)

And they go, no, we have still no orange juice. Like, make sure you get a little grabby about stuff that annoys them. You know what I mean?

C (63:44)

Do you have snacks?

A (63:46)

Yeah, right.

C (63:46)

Yeah. Do you have any kosher meat?

A (63:48)

Yeah, yeah.

D (63:49)

How about some matzah?

C (63:51)

By the way, can I tell you. So my parents used to make me lunch. I dreaded the week where we didn't eat bread. Do you know how embarrassing it was to go into school and unwrap a matzah peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of plastic wrap?

D (64:06)

Oh, I'm leaving.

C (64:08)

They couldn't fuck because I didn't grow up around a ton of Jews. And so people are always like, why do you eat that again?

A (64:14)

Yeah, it's the unleavened bread.

C (64:15)

Oh, the matzah is the worst. And with matzo with peanut butter and jelly is maybe the driest thing you'll ever put in your mouth.

A (64:23)

It will cleave immediately to the roof of your mouth. You won't be able to speak for 11 to 21 hours, and the matzo.

C (64:29)

Will cut your mouth like a nacho chip.

A (64:31)

Oh, yeah, it'll fuck you up.

C (64:35)

Here's Jews not known for our food. You've never been, like, besides a deli.

A (64:41)

But that deli is pastrami, right? No, the Jews are funny because gefilte fish, dude, they are. The thing that I've always said about Jews is they're not risk takers. They're not daredevils. There's no Evil Knievel Jews. But when it comes to eating, they are fucking daredevils. Like, they serve tongue. They serve a lot of liver. They serve a lot of organs. They have cold, gelatinous fish and stuff. They have the grossest. My Hungarian grandfather loved. He wanted stuffed goose liver. Like, all the liver I like. How about ribs? How about some baked beans? How about some coleslaw? No, no, no, no. We need gizzard and lung and organ and tongue. And, like, the shit people are throwing out. They love chicken liver. Who the fuck wants chick?

C (65:30)

My grandfather used to. He would put the chicken liver and herring.

A (65:34)

Herring.

C (65:36)

He would put the chicken liver, and he would put it on a cracker, and he'd hand you one with a piece of herring.

A (65:41)

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

C (65:43)

What are we doing?

A (65:44)

I'm saying, the average white guy, you could say, would you eat some chicken liver? And they'd go, no. Would you get on this Yamaha125 and jump it over that school bus? Yeah. Okay. I mean, is that my only choice? Yeah. It's either eat the liver or get on the bike. All right. Can I have a helmet?

D (66:04)

No.

A (66:05)

You mean for eating the liver? Yeah, you could wear a helmet for that, but not for the school bus. Fuck it. Give me the bite. You hear him? Like, throwing rabs and taking off. That's what an average white guy would do with chicken liver.

C (66:15)

It's not.

A (66:16)

It's documented, by the way.

C (66:17)

It's not the herring itself.

A (66:20)

Herring.

C (66:21)

Even the herring plain in the white sauce, in the cream sauce.

A (66:24)

The herring in the cream gefilte.

C (66:26)

The gefilte is the grossest thing you ever gonna put in your mouth.

A (66:28)

Gelatinous. Just gelatin cold meat, you know, salty protein.

B (66:34)

Fishy.

C (66:37)

Here's why I think it happens. I think Jews inherently hate ourselves.

A (66:40)

Oh, yeah.

C (66:41)

So we're just. That's what we're. We're like, well, self loathing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Self loathing food.

A (66:45)

Yeah. We're gonna eat the parts of the cow. The blue eyed devil doesn't want fish right out of the dumpster. That's right.

C (66:51)

Let's get a hoof in here.

D (66:52)

Sounds like Jews made Fear Factor.

A (66:55)

Yeah, it really is.

C (66:56)

We lived it for a little while.

A (66:57)

Yeah. I'll tell you this, though. Do yourself. Do yourself a favor. That's gonna be a new segment. Scramble that matzah in with the eggs, man. That is good. That is good. That matzah soaks up a little bit the butter and a little of the egg juice there.

C (67:12)

That's Jewish chilaquiles is what it is. I love a chilaquiles. I'll go over to Hugo's here.

A (67:18)

Hugo's, man.

C (67:19)

Get a chilaquiles. But that matzah, chilaquiles, it's good.

A (67:23)

Yeah, for sure. Underutilized. And then the other.

C (67:26)

Did you go to bar mitzvahs growing up?

A (67:29)

No, see, I grew up in the valley and with no Jews, but there were Jews up in the hills. Hebrew Heights we called it.

C (67:39)

The Jews have trickled down a little bit.

A (67:41)

I know. I'm saying we got to dam this up because I caught a Jew. I caught a Jew in Sun Valley. No way. Yeah. He made it over.

C (67:48)

Nah. It's like the coyotes. They're coming out of the hills.

A (67:50)

That's right. It's their land.

D (67:53)

They haven't finished that wall yet.

C (67:55)

The wall coming out of the hills.

D (67:57)

Hey, real quick. Y' all been to a party where they lift the dude up in a chair?

A (68:01)

Yeah. Oh, man.

C (68:02)

By the way, on. I'll tell you something. The Jews in general, Hanukkah way worse than Christmas. And Hanukkah music. So much worse than Christmas. I've never been to been like, let's go to the Hanukkah party. Was off the chain. Like, you've never said that. However, a Jewish wedding.

D (68:19)

Oh, yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

C (68:20)

That's actually a good. It's where it all comes out and.

D (68:23)

They break the glass and all that tradition. I've seen it in the movies.

A (68:26)

Yeah, we.

C (68:27)

You've never been invited to one.

D (68:28)

I mean, I don't know no Jews.

C (68:30)

Yeah, I know. I'll be happy to go, by the way, after you. Just. I don't need. No, I don't need you.

D (68:34)

I'm just kidding. I know Jews.

A (68:35)

I know Jews.

D (68:36)

But of course. But I just never, you know, had an occasion.

C (68:39)

We should get you to one.

D (68:41)

All right. Sign me up to J Date.

A (68:43)

I guess the thing I loved about the Jews growing up, it's like when I was like 14, 13, like the Jews in my junior high, we had a guy named Lloyd Goldfarb. And Lloyd Goldfarb was 13, but looked like an accountant who was in his 60s. Like, brown leather shoes, attache case, balding, you know, glasses. Like, I was like. He didn't seem like a 13 year old kid.

C (69:10)

But you know what, dude? I think Jews and Asians have that in common. I think we look good. Until one day we look, we all look old. A Jew. And you're right, Jews are very the only group of people where at 13 you can look like an old man. Yeah, Asian people look great. Until one day everyone looks like Mr. Miyagi Men. And the women, they all. I'm like, oh, everyone. Same with Jews. Like, yeah, but old face on a Jew can happen real young.

A (69:38)

Yeah, yeah, Lloyd.

C (69:40)

Lloyd Goldfarb.

D (69:41)

They still wax off.

A (69:43)

Yeah, Lloyd would wax off.

C (69:44)

Goldfarb is a tough. I mean, that's a tough. That's hard.

D (69:48)

That's a solid Jewish name right there.

C (69:50)

It's like there was a comic. Do you ever know that comic named Avi Lieberman? And I was like, dude, you might as well just go on stage as Jewey Jewerson is. You should. They should bring. Play Hava Nagila on the way up to the stage. Let's give him the whole thing.

A (70:03)

I like, like, you know, there's the Silvermans and there's the Levins and that kind of, you know, basic stuff. And then there's Jewish names that just sound like a. Sound like an ugly sound. Like we had a guy named Randy Bort. It's like somebody belched that was your last name.

D (70:23)

You know what I mean?

A (70:24)

Or farted.

C (70:25)

I'm lucky the face and the last name aren't Super Junior.

A (70:30)

You could pass. Yeah, yeah.

C (70:32)

I'm not.

D (70:33)

Look, are you being hunted? Like, we need to put you on the floorboard.

C (70:36)

If. If the trains do come back, I might Be able to skirt them a little bit.

A (70:41)

You'll be on the second train. Yeah, yeah. I won't be like, Lloyd Goldfarb's going to be on the first train.

D (70:46)

This man and my brother, we grew up in trailer.

C (70:48)

Yeah. I can also pass as. As kind of southern small townie, you know, so that's what I would kind of fit in.

A (70:56)

Yeah.

C (70:57)

I don't mind saying kill the Jews.

A (70:59)

No. If it means survival. Yeah.

C (71:02)

I mean, listen, I don't, you know.

A (71:03)

No, I can go, I can go either way. In terms of the past, has anyone.

C (71:09)

Ever mistaken you as Jewish?

A (71:11)

Well, there's an interesting phenomenon. I haven't brought it up in a long time, but it's worth examining. Cause it's a sort of look at our society. I grew up in North Hollywood, sort of poor and you know, just rode my bike around and fucking wrestled with my friends and played sports, you know, I didn't do anything. And then I got to high school and I was a jock and played sports and did that kind of stuff. And then I got out of that and then it was like construction, you know, job sites, rode a motorcycle, all not gaud boxing. I was just like on a job site, you know, fucking with a bunch of dudes and Mexicans and stuff all in the valley. And then that went on until I was like 30, 31. And no one had ever accused me of being a Jew. It never happened. On every. He said accused, accused. No one wagged me.

D (72:06)

They thought he was a highfalutin Mexican.

A (72:10)

I was never successfully tried for being a Jew, but. And that went on. I went on a thousand job sites and job sites you always run into new dudes and a lot of. Of subs. You see for a few they'll be on the job for like four days or two weeks and then they leave because the H Vac guy's done or whatever. You talk about stuff or family or sports or whatever, but it never happened. And then I got into comedy and first six months in comedy I'd be sitting in writers rooms or something. Adam, you're Jewish. You know what it's like, whatever. And I'd go, I'm not Jewish, but my name is Adam and I have kinky hair.

C (72:51)

I was going to say young Corolla. That hair is kind of Jewy.

A (72:55)

Yeah, I have Jew fro. So now never accused of being a Jew on a construction site ever. And then immediately mistaken for Jew in the writer's room, which means there's a stereotype and it bleeds in and People don't even think about it. But there was no Jews on a construction site in LA ever. By the way, many riders are Jewish, so. And by the way, I don't blame people for doing the math, because it is a math.

C (73:26)

I would say there are no Jews, not just on construction sites in la. I would push that out to a broader area, as in America.

A (73:35)

No, you're right. I mean, the guy. The first company I worked for was Arthur Morgenstern and Associates, but he owned the company.

C (73:45)

Owning the company is two different things. Yeah, yeah.

A (73:48)

Now, I would always. I used to do a joke, but it was always true. I'd always go, they go work in construction in LA. What's that like? I'd always go, 15 Mexicans and three racists named Mike. Cause every dude was named Mike on a construction site. Just a. There were dudes, there were white dudes and there were dudes. There were Mike and Kevin and Dave and, like, dude names. White dude names. That was it. There are no Adams, by the way.

D (74:17)

I know a Jewish plumber. I just realized.

C (74:19)

Yeah, really?

A (74:20)

Yeah, yeah.

D (74:21)

Run the pipe. Yeah, he runs the pipe down, but, you know, snips off the tip of. Oh, there it is. No, I'm just saying I really know him. He's a great guy.

C (74:29)

Let me ask you, is he Israeli or American? Jewish.

D (74:33)

Right.

C (74:34)

When you said Jewish polymer, I'm like.

D (74:35)

Sorry, guys, I had Israeli. A subspecies, terrible accent.

C (74:40)

American, Jew, Israeli, two different dudes.

A (74:44)

It's like the honeybee versus Africanized killer bees. They're both bees. They look the same.

D (74:52)

Interestingly enough, the African killer bees can get into a group of regular ones, hype them up to stab somebody to death.

A (74:59)

Oh, really?

D (75:00)

That's. It's not. When they say Africanized killer bees, it's some of the African ones. Get over there and hype them up into a killing swarm.

A (75:10)

Yeah, look it up.

C (75:11)

I didn't know that.

D (75:12)

All right, you got a little mayhem factoid for you.

A (75:15)

You got the news. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Take quick break, come back, do the news with Josh and Mayhem right after this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Mr. Carter O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, we know what business they're in. They're in the business of keeping your car on the road and running like a top. O'Reilly Auto Parts offers friendly, helpful service and the parts knowledge you need for. For all your maintenance and repairs. Always use O'Reilly. Always have. They've been around for a long time. Used them back in the day. And I use them now, I don't know, three and a half weeks ago. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they are friendly. So you can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or you can do what many people do. They visit us online@o'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam look, being a human, it is not easy these days. You got fitness routines, mental resilience, personal goals, burnout. It's a lot. That's why there's the Life Kit podcast from npr. It's basically a guide for living without pretending. Life comes with a manual because every day you're making choices, some big, some small, but they do add up. LifeKit helps you make those decisions with more confidence. They've got real stories, clear takeaways and advice you can actually use. No flaw, no judgment. I listened to an episode on Burnout and the big takeaway, sometimes stepping back makes you more effective than just muscling through it. Hit home. I did learn something. They cover it all. Relationships, finances, parenting, your career. The parts of life most people struggle with. And they give you a game plan to tackle it. The whole thing isn't about being perfect, strict. It's about living a little better. Starting right now. Right, Dawson? Listen now to the Life Kit podcast from npr. It's time to check Adam's voicemail. Adam, watched your Home Depot walkthrough. Nice show. Wondering about your opinion on the radial arm saw. And if a guy were to have a garage shop where he can set it up, what if that could take place of or take the place of several other tools? We'd love to hear your feedback on the radial arm saw. Thanks. You can leave us a message at 888-634, 1744. I'm just a comedy writing cue. What do I know from radio arm Shaw already? All right, well, here comes the non Jew part of me. Radial arm saw. When you're setting up a garage or any place where you're gonna like build cabinets or bookshelves or boxes or something, you need to rip and you need to cross cut. So everything comes in a 4 by 8 shell. If you're doing something nice and you get the oak or the birch or whatever, some shop grade Doug fir or something, you rip it. You set up your table saw and you rip it long ways. That's like with the grain and Then you gotta cross cut it if you're making shelves or whatever that is. And when you cross cut it, that's where the radial arm saw comes in. And if you're setting up a garage or like a little cabinet shop, you should have a table saw to do the ripping with. A catch table. Like, don't just have it fall on the ground. Make a catch table that goes around the saw, like kind of L shaped. And you can slide it all the way across so it doesn't fall when it gets past that. And then you should make a bench, a long bench that has a dropout and a cut in so you can drop your sliding compound miter saw into it. So it's the surface of it is even with the bench. So you can slide your stuff across and cross cut it. Now that'll be good up to about 12 inches if you get a big one. But you can't do like 24 inches. You have to get back onto the table saw and then use a sled where they cut it cross cut on the table saw. But sliding compound miter saws, radial saws or whatever they're doing, they're cheaper than they used to be, and they're good. And they used to just be chop saws where just chop. Now you can slide it in front of you. And back in the day, Sears would do like a craftsman stuff, like a top mounted radial arm whatever. And that was good. But yeah, you're gonna have to rip and you're gonna have to cross cut. And those are the two, like, basic things you're gonna need to do if you're trying to set up some sort of home shot.

C (80:45)

Do you think you could build a cabin?

A (80:48)

Yeah, yeah, I can build anything I want.

C (80:51)

So. I mean, electric, all that stuff. You think you could.

A (80:56)

I'm not really.

D (80:57)

Well, I read the entire electrical manual in prison.

A (81:00)

Hey, you did?

C (81:01)

No.

D (81:01)

Yeah, I know. Fish tape. I know how to work duct work. Yeah, I got you, Ace.

C (81:05)

Is electric.

D (81:06)

The tricky part kind of electric is what? Just a bunch of tubes throughout the structure that you gotta send wires through.

A (81:14)

Yeah, except for they wouldn't do that now. They'd use Romex or vx.

D (81:18)

Oh, I put a little rat in there and let them get the cheese.

A (81:21)

No, they don't do conduit anymore. It's like, it's too much work. They just pull Romax.

C (81:28)

How would you do on a show like, you know those shows, like alone, where they go and they go out in the woods by themselves and they have an axe.

D (81:34)

It's a good show.

C (81:35)

It alone is a crazy show. But they have. They are by themselves. Nobody there to watch. But these people are building their own little cabins.

A (81:42)

I think that's its own kind of building. Because for me, I need like 300 different tools to do what I want to do. And I know what to do with all the tools and like how to figure it out and how to work it. But the part where they're fishing and they're using, you know, a twig and stuff like, that's. I never learned that. I never figured that out.

D (82:04)

No. That version of the show, they have a lot of equipment and it's kind of survival dudes, like, who done some high speed type traveling where they lived with the reindeer farmers or whatnot.

C (82:14)

No Goldbergs on that show.

A (82:16)

No. But I love. I love that shit.

C (82:19)

Yeah.

A (82:19)

Yeah. And then I guess the question is, do you fatten yourself up and live off your fat reserves? Is that the way to go?

C (82:26)

I think so. Because when you watch those shows, what you really figure out is how important fat is to your survival.

A (82:32)

Right.

C (82:34)

Because the people who just kill say there was one where somebody killed an elk, but the meat, there's not a lot of fat. That meat is so lean that it was.

A (82:43)

They.

C (82:43)

It was hard for them to survive with the no fat.

D (82:45)

Well, your brain runs on fat, you know.

C (82:47)

Yeah.

D (82:48)

So once that gets down, you're out of it.

C (82:51)

Yeah. That show is fascinating to me.

A (82:54)

Yeah. Of course, you think there'd be more genius fat people. They seem generally stupid to me if they're really running that brain. They got that giant fat brain with all the fat.

D (83:05)

They're running on an excess. And they got zombie cells. Yeah.

A (83:10)

Sounded like a real smart fat guy. It's not a ton of them.

C (83:13)

Mensah is not like this.

A (83:14)

It's not a lot of heavyweights. Like a lot of ex NFL interior liner. That guy's sharp, man. All right, what do you got, man?

D (83:22)

Well, of course Charlie Kirk died, but at the time of this recording, don't know any new information and have nothing to report. We'll be back on that tomorrow. There's also 500 hours of dramatic never before seen 911 footage as well.

C (83:37)

So 500 hours.

D (83:39)

500 hours. Yeah. Has been released striking images from the ground zero recovery efforts and destroyed subway tunnels, pet rescue missions.

A (83:47)

Just a lot of.

D (83:48)

Somebody compiled all of it, but it's.

C (83:51)

From people who were working there.

D (83:53)

It's from iPhone, first person perspective. No iPhones at that time. But there were camera phone.

C (83:58)

Yeah, that's what I Mean like it's all. But. But it's like from first responders or it's from people who were just walking everyone.

D (84:03)

Yeah, they compiled all of this recently and yeah. Never before seen footage. So people have a re. You know, I don't know that I reinvest that. No, but you can't forget, you know.

A (84:13)

Yeah, you don't need to see anything. Pretty much realized, like you just don't. You know, somebody, somebody tweeted me or. Sorry. A friend of mine texted me the whole Charlie Kirk getting shot thing. And I literally, like, it's an old friend from high school. And I hit it and I saw what it was and I had to put the phone and because I'm lame and I don't know how to erase it without seeing it. I handed the phone to Andrew and I went erase this thing that my friend sent me. Cause I'm scared if I hit it and try to erase it, I'm just gonna end up seeing it. No, you don't need to see that shit any more than you needed to see your parents fucking when you're 11. It just gets seared in. It's not going to help.

C (85:01)

That one is seared in, by the way.

A (85:02)

It's going to add a little time to your next jack session, whether it's 9, 11 or worse. Mr. Mister. Either way, you just added eight minutes. My dad. So I remember you walked in.

C (85:16)

I didn't even walk in. They had the door open.

A (85:19)

Oh my God.

C (85:20)

And so my room was down the hall from there. So when I walked out, their door, door was open.

A (85:25)

And I was like, what kind of animal.

D (85:27)

I would have kept eye contact with you.

C (85:30)

I flew past into the kitchen and I was just like, I was probably 10 or 11 and I was in the kitchen and I was a little flummoxed.

A (85:39)

Yeah.

C (85:40)

And a little while later my dad comes in in his uniform, which was black socks, tighty whities, button down, blue shirt. That's how we walked around the house. No pants, never any pan pants. And he walked in and it was just kind of quiet. It was morning and I'm just sitting there and just pretending to look in the fridge. And he was like, you want some eggs? And I was like, what? And he was like, you want me to make you some eggs? And even then, dude, I. This is when I was like, this is comedy. Stuff's fun. I was like, I'm gonna need to see you wash your hands. And he was like, fair enough. And he would just wash his hands.

A (86:14)

Peanut butter matzah how's that river mouth there? Looks like it's heavy.

D (86:20)

You want Jewy kiles?

C (86:22)

Yeah, Chewy killes. But I do the Jew jokes for me have always been. I try to even implement them with my kids, you know, my youngest son, one of the first years he went to school, he used to love to dress up as a ninja. But I told him, I go, dude, this is first year. We're first grade. We're going to carpenter over in Studio City. And he was like. I go. He goes, I'm a ninja. I go, tell him you're a ninja, you. And that you throw stars at David and that you don't go, hiya. You go, okay.

A (86:52)

Right.

C (86:52)

I get called into the principal's office and they're like, hey, your son says he's a ninju. I was like, pretty funny, right? And they were like, no, yeah, not funny.

D (87:02)

Wait, did he have the little curls coming out of his mouth?

C (87:04)

I should have done that one.

A (87:06)

Carpenter was the Jew school when I was growing up. No, no, no, not anymore.

C (87:11)

It's a very wealthy. It's where wealthy people, you know, fake.

A (87:14)

Their address so they can go there.

C (87:15)

I don't know what it's like anymore. It was still kind of small when we were going there.

A (87:19)

So it was. You know where it is? It's on Laurel Canyon. It's below Hebrew Heights. So all of my Jewish friends went to Carpenter. That's the closest elementary school. Then later on you go to Walter Reed. That's the closest. Then you end up at North Hollywood High. But Carpenters were. Everybody from the Heber Heights went to grade school.

C (87:41)

I wonder, is that still Hebrew Heights? Cause I've never heard that term. Is that still heavy Jewish, you think? Are you talking about like up at the top near Mulholland?

A (87:50)

All the way up Laurel? As soon as you get past Ventura Boulevard. It used to be, I don't know, they would call them the Donna streets. Donna Dolores, Donna Sangria and Donna Paguita. And like Donna, Donna Donna. Yeah, I used to go up there and go, there's not one Mexican that lives here. Knock off the Donna Pegita shit. Let's call it Hava Naguila Havanaguila. Yeah, there's no. It's all Jews. The only Donnas that come in here cleaning your guys house. And then they go back to the bus stop. There's not one Mexican family here. But the streets are Donna Dolores, Donna Sangria, Donna Pegita. Like it was Donna the first time I went to one of my friends houses up there. I never. I was in North Hollywood. I didn't get anywhere. And like, Nate Wittenberg. That's a good Jew name. Nate. Be like, you go up Laurel, you turn right on Donna Dolores, and then it goes up to Donna Pegita. Then you turn right and you turn onto Donna Sangria at the top. And I was just writing down Donna because I didn't. I think that's enough street. I didn't need the whole street. And I realized every street started with the word Donna. And I know where the fuck I was. And there was no cell phones or anything.

C (88:59)

That was the Thomas Guide. I was trying to explain to my son what the Thomas Guide was. He was like, what? I was like, it's a book. And it had giant maps and smaller maps. And he was like, well, how did you. He was like, we just looked at the book as we were driving. Driving.

A (89:11)

Yeah. Like when I used to install closets for ABC closets, they would Xerox off the page that had the street with the name and whatever. Yeah.

C (89:22)

My mom still prints directions.

D (89:24)

MapQuest.

A (89:25)

All right.

D (89:25)

I love it.

C (89:26)

And I'm like, you know the directions you just printed are. You're printing from your phone, right?

A (89:31)

There's no real reason they wouldn't cut out the middleman and save up a log. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I agree. All right, sorry.

D (89:39)

Next up. Well, we're talking about technology here. The new Hari robot lets you summon trash pickup like an Uber for your garbage.

A (89:47)

Oh, yep. Check it out.

D (89:48)

Hari isn't your average bin on wheels. This robot uses AI and ample sensors, cameras, and self driving navigation to travel through the neighborhoods.

A (89:58)

Where is this, man?

D (90:00)

This is here. Apparently it's a CES prototype and it won the CES Pics Award. So. The Consumer Electronics Show.

C (90:08)

So you would you have an app or something and you ask it to come over.

D (90:12)

It was a walk. Where it'll roll right up to you and then open up its bin and kind of looks like a toilet, I guess. Ace, you might can take a dump in there.

C (90:21)

But wait, and then it takes it where?

D (90:23)

It takes it back to your garage, I guess. You know, it just walks it out to the curb.

A (90:30)

I don't get you guys aren't blown away by this.

C (90:33)

I don't get it.

D (90:33)

Yeah, me neither.

C (90:34)

I don't get it.

A (90:36)

Here's what I just want the city to pick up the shit you drag out to the curb. I feel like I pay enough in taxes that there's an old futon and it's done and I drag the curb just fucking Pick it up.

C (90:49)

Why do I have to tell you it's going to be there. You fucking see it, right?

A (90:52)

You give three large items per year. It's like, I pay millions in taxes now. Come get my food chair. How about that? Yeah, yeah.

C (91:01)

And by the way, when guys. When you put a chair on the side of the road, you don't need to put a sign that says free, right? You got to assume I don't got to leave a 20. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You're. It's on the side of the road.

A (91:13)

It's implied.

C (91:14)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it, got it.

A (91:16)

Yeah.

C (91:16)

Knock on the door, be like, how much you want for the. The chair? My dog just on. How much you want for that?

A (91:21)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one with crabs in it. What are you looking to get for that? These bedbugs cost an extra $14. Okay. One payment or three payments for $14? Yeah. It's like putting a saucer of milk out for a cat and putting free under the saucer. Milk implied free. It's out.

C (91:39)

Yeah.

A (91:39)

I do that once in a while. You'll pass something, and it'll be dragged out onto the curb, and then someone goes, that's a pretty good bookshelf we should take. I don't. Are you sure? They're. I was like, listen, here's the code of the street. You put it to the curb, you can take it. I don't know what they're thinking, but they're rolling the dice if they're planning on keeping this bookshelf. That's right. That's the ladies.

C (92:02)

Do you know what I thought would be a fun show? When this was during. When Covid was happening, There were a lot of things out on the side of the road.

D (92:09)

Oh, yeah.

C (92:10)

But I thought, what a fun show to find somebody as good as you and go around and pick up and populate somebody's entire apartment with just things. You redo it. You refurbish it with just things you find on the side of the street.

D (92:26)

I pulled this maneuver, tried my hand at cabinet refinishing. Actually, it was all right. Not bad. The glaze was not so good. You know, it was like. I refinished it, sanded it down, and, like, repainted it. It looked all right, but you know what I mean, with all that effort, I could have went to ikea.

A (92:44)

Ikea? Yeah. I can't. There's nothing. There's no siren song of food. Like the Swedish meatball. Like, I don't even know if I like Swedish meatballs. But I smell one from 14 aisles away. And you're like. You're like. It's like an animated Saturday cartoon from the set town.

D (93:04)

He floats through the base.

A (93:07)

I used to go, like, the Swedish meatball carries so good. Permeates and pulls.

C (93:13)

And it makes you walk through the entire store to find. Go down the stairs.

D (93:17)

Where is.

C (93:18)

That means that IKEA in Burbank, when I was a single dad and I couldn't afford to pay for babysitting, they had that ball pit.

A (93:26)

Yeah.

C (93:26)

And you could drop your kids off.

D (93:29)

Drop them off.

C (93:30)

You could drop them off. So you would shop.

A (93:32)

And then for the adults, they had the Swedish meatball.

C (93:35)

That's right.

A (93:36)

And that's the best. I just dive into that thing.

C (93:38)

I would just drop them off at the ball pit and go sit in IKEA for two hours, because that's how long they gave me. Yeah. And I would just sit there and read.

A (93:46)

There is a way to game the IKEA system where you go. They have, like, lunch Specials every day. Buck 99, your partner eats for free and shit. Like, I mean, you could just go there and eat much cheaper than you could feed yourself or anywhere else and.

C (94:04)

Find a place to take a nap.

A (94:05)

Right, Right. Yeah. There is a way, if you're poor, to eat well and kill time and sit in air conditioning and all that and, you know, buy a $2 spatula if need be.

C (94:18)

That was three years of my life where I figured out in Los Angeles how to be indoors in the summer in air conditioning, entertaining my kids, feeding them without spending a lot of money.

A (94:30)

That's the juice side, dude.

C (94:32)

Do you know what we used to do? We used to go to the toy store in the Beverly center. And they. All these places knew me. There was a woman at Ralph's, when we walk up to the hot counter, hot food. She would just give us food, and we would eat it before we left. And. And there was this one toy store where they knew we're gonna come. My kids are gonna unwrap the toys, play with them in the aisle, and then we're gonna leave. And they were just the kids. My kids for a long time thought toy stores were just a place where you go, played with toys. But you didn't leave with him, Right? Because I didn't have.

A (95:04)

I.

C (95:05)

We had so little money. This is true. My son Jacob, who opens for me now, tells a joke about this on stage. But I. We had so little money. I had told him that when the ice cream truck plays its music, it's out. It means it's out of ice cream.

A (95:17)

Ah, that's funny.

C (95:18)

So he was like. When he'd hear the music, he'd be like, damn it. And I was like, nah, sorry, dude.

D (95:23)

You're a master troll. You and Mike Miller should get together.

C (95:28)

That's how we. That's how we. That's how we did it. So Ikea, the mall, Ralph's were three great places. Zero money, air conditioning, where I could get. At the mall. I could just be like, let's sprint. And they would fucking zing, zing, zing, zing, zing. Tire them out. Get back to the house. Like, there's so many strategy.

A (95:49)

Yeah. I mean, this other strategy where you could get a fucking job and go through this. This charade.

C (95:57)

I was a comic, zero skills, and I couldn't get a job that would pay enough money where I could pay for daycare and pay for rent and all that shit.

A (96:06)

Yeah, the comic skill thing is weird. There's, like, not a lot of skill.

C (96:10)

Sets for most of us. You have an actual skill set.

A (96:12)

I possess a skill set. No, I don't know.

C (96:15)

How many of us do, you know? Besides you have a skill set.

A (96:17)

Well, Jeff Ross can rebuild a. No.

D (96:22)

I was waiting for that.

A (96:23)

I was like, what? Patton Oswal can tear down a transmission, redo all the synchronizers, and have that thing back in your truck in 20 minutes? I am telling you, he took the camshaft on my 350 chevy.

C (96:39)

Now, I do believe Patton could make that Batman suit for your friend.

A (96:42)

He could probably sew that back. No, they're skillless people.

C (96:46)

Yeah, we are.

A (96:48)

That's the thing. Which also is a Jewish thing too, because it's not a lot. There's a lot of blue or Jew collar out there. It is. And smart, by the way. Pay someone to do that, you make more money running show business or being a lawyer doing whatever it is you gotta do. But there is something about comics that lack a sort of blue collar y kind of mechanical, kind of whatever.

C (97:17)

Very few of us.

A (97:18)

Very, very few. As a matter of fact, Leno. Leno is that guy.

C (97:25)

I imagine Rogan can fix things, but maybe not.

A (97:29)

I don't think so. But he has a. Well, maybe he has a great. A keen interest in it. And then there's your Tim Allens who love cars and collect stuff and stuff like that. And then there is. You do one more story if you got it.

D (97:47)

Yeah, I do.

A (97:47)

Yeah. I'll come up with the. Yeah.

C (97:49)

With the all comic list. We go to first Team. First team, all comic.

A (97:56)

Well, you know, getting, getting back to that. It is sort of like that airplane joke where the guy's like just some light reading and she hands him a pamphlet and it's Greatest Jewish sports legends. You know what I mean? Like there's just not enough Sean Green.

C (98:10)

Sandy Koufax to fill.

A (98:14)

Jeff Dunham. Jeff Dunham makes his puppets?

C (98:18)

No, he does.

A (98:20)

Yeah, he makes all that stuff and puts actuators and stuff in it so the eyeballs pop out and stuff like that. Jeff's got his shop and like makes his. And then.

D (98:30)

Oh, Carrot Top. Don't forget about it.

A (98:32)

Carrot Top makes stuff. But that's not an H Vac guy or a plumber or electrician. But it's handy. It's hands on.

C (98:39)

Yeah, but I would think there's a little difference between attaching a foot to a surfboard than fixing.

A (98:45)

It's a baby. Don't insult him. It's baby. Sorry. On a board. It's a baby. On a board. It's baby on board. That's the genius of it.

C (98:56)

By the way, I did go see his show. It's a great show.

A (99:00)

Yeah, come on.

D (99:01)

He's a legend.

C (99:01)

Fucking great show. And he doesn't do as much props as he used to.

A (99:05)

No. I brought up Gallagher to him and Gallagher Sledgehammatic. But it's really a lot of political humor and a lot of insightful social commentary and stuff. That's the way the world works. You remember him for the sledge O matic. The other 50 minutes of the act is like kind of George Carlin esque political insights.

C (99:30)

But what was it his brother who went out as Gallagher.

A (99:33)

Oh, yeah.

C (99:33)

That was less than the original Gallagher. As far as the stuff you're talking about.

A (99:38)

About. I can't say because I never actually saw Gallagher 2.

C (99:43)

Yeah.

A (99:44)

But it is. Yeah.

C (99:45)

Gallagher 2. It's so crazy that that's a thing.

A (99:48)

Yeah. Yeah.

D (99:49)

Well, yeah, I look into it a bit. It is. It's a way if you're going to do a deep dive on something that is super interesting.

C (99:55)

I never felt do a documentary on that.

D (99:56)

I'm sure because man, the incident. So that I heard about Gallagher yelling at Carrot Top man, Coach Gallagher really.

A (100:05)

Kind of when you step back and you look at it will be remembered. His history will have the same arc as Roseanne will go highest grossing. Most highest paid sitcom star the 90s, 10 HBO specials. The most of the 80s, the highest grossing. Whatever. And then at the end, like a kind of angry nut. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of paranoid. Like angry person. You know, I like Roseanne and I like Roseanne and I like her, and. But I'm saying the way history works, that's the way.

C (100:45)

That's funny you mentioned that.

A (100:46)

It ends up working for them. You hang around long enough and they. They get the. You know, when Gallagher dies, like, wasn't he kind of a racist?

C (100:55)

You know how angry he is.

A (100:57)

Tyranny. Highest grossing comedian of the 80s or any of that stuff. Yeah, I think if you look up highest. Andrew, if you look up highest grossing comedians of the 80s, I think you're gonna have to have Gallagher on that.

C (101:17)

Who else was touring? Carlin.

D (101:19)

Yeah.

A (101:20)

Yeah. Seinfeld's always been working, but maybe wasn't as big.

C (101:25)

Steve Martin, late 70s.

A (101:26)

Steve Martin would have sort of crapped out by the early 80s or something like that. You know, he would have been dangerous.

D (101:33)

How to stretch. Yeah.

C (101:34)

Was he the first guy who was doing those massive places, though? Yeah, because Carrot Top used to do massive places too. Didn't he do.

A (101:42)

Yes, yeah, I'm sure of it.

D (101:43)

Yeah.

C (101:46)

I can't think about in the 80s who, as a comic, because comics now sell ridiculous amount of tickets. But to be somebody back then in that era, as a comic, to be selling that amount of tickets was a bit of a unicorn because comedy was kind of new.

A (102:03)

Stand up comedy was like jazz. You played in clubs. You don't play jazz at the ballpark. You know what I mean? That's for the Hair Band or the Big Band or that's for Led Zeppelin, but it's not for the jazz quartet comedy. It was like jazz.

C (102:18)

What is it you think that it was about Steve Martin? Because that wasn't even straight comedy. So what was it about him? Do you think that was selling that many tickets? Was it that it wasn't straight comedy, that it was a little offbeat?

A (102:31)

Well, I mean, the album sold, so the albums went double platinum. And I think that's what got people to come to the arena. But I don't know, you know, somebody's gotta be popular all the time. And we always go, but what? I don't get it. Why so pop? And it's like you're looking for a chasm or a difference. Like you're looking for why, like, Nate Bargazzi's funny, but Josh Wolf is funny. There's not that big a chasm between those two. They're both funny dudes. I've interviewed him, I've hung out with them. I've been on stage with both of them. They're both good. Well, Josh plays 360 and Nate plays 30,000 seaters. So he's 10,000 times funnier than Josh Wolfe when rally's like 7,000 times funnier.

C (103:19)

Yeah, I was going to say somewhere between 7 and 10, for sure.

A (103:21)

So he's not. But somebody's got to sell that arena at this time.

C (103:27)

You're striking the accord at that particular time when we are that that is what people are latching onto.

A (103:35)

Yeah. I mean, I'm not trying to take it away or even say it's luck.

C (103:39)

No, I'm with you. I'm with you.

A (103:41)

Somebody's got to be the Steve Mart our day. And somebody's got to be the Britney Spears. And somebody's got to be the. You. Fill in the blank.

C (103:50)

Yeah.

A (103:51)

All right, Gallagher, was he the highest grossing? I feel like. I know you're still looking, Andrew, but this is what the Internet is made for.

C (104:00)

And are you judging it by. I wonder just by. By ticket sales or by album sales.

A (104:10)

Know, look, however they judge highest grossing, probably touring or whatever. Eddie Murphy, top comedians of the 80s. Eddie Murphy raw. But Richard Pryor already highly influential. I guess dice is the 80s popular, popularity sword. Steve Martin still around. But I don't think this is still. This isn't highest grossing, like, in order of highest grossing. This is just, like, popular.

D (104:41)

Yeah, right.

A (104:42)

Like Sam Kinison and George Carlin.

C (104:45)

But I mean, do you know I opened up. Did I ever tell you I opened up for Kinison?

A (104:48)

Yeah, a lot. So, anyway, back to the news.

D (104:52)

Koalas have chlamydia and a vaccine used to treat chlamydia.

A (104:57)

Wow. Now that's. Yeah.

D (104:58)

In Australia's operation.

A (105:00)

Hold on, I want to hear the story, sir.

C (105:02)

Well, I don't know if I. Around the fourth or fifth time I was ever on stage. Carl Leau used to open for Sam. And by the way, Carlo, to me, one of the most underrated. Such a brilliant joke writer. But his dad, on the way to San Antonio, which is where I was going to school, passed away. And I don't. I don't remember why, but I had won a comedy competition the night before or two nights before, and the. His manager Bill called and was like, hey, to the promoter, we need someone an opener. Find somebody in San Antonio. And they had heard about. I had won a comedy competition. So they called me in my dorm room. I was in college. And they're like, do you want to open it for Sam Kenison? And I was like, this comedy shit is easy.

D (105:47)

Yeah.

A (105:48)

Yeah.

C (105:50)

Won a competition because my friends were there and they clapped. So I. I didn't. Kinnison was playing a rock club at the time. I didn't know it was a place called Sneakers in San Antonio. And those are fucking. Kinison's crowd were. Those are hardcore rockers. He had a band with him. He had just done Wild Thing. And I was just. When I was 20, I looked 12. I was poor. I didn't have a lot of clothing options. So when I walked on stage, I was wearing the only clothes I basically had that I would wear out, which was like acid wash jeans and like, basically a Blockbuster button down shirt tucked into my jeans. And I had a ponytail at the time. And when I was walking to the stage, I only had three minutes of material. And Bill was like, just open with a quick 20. And I was like, whoa. I thought they were hiring me just.

A (106:41)

To do what I did at the competition.

C (106:45)

So on the way to the microphone, somebody. I take two steps on stage and somebody just screams, you better be funny, Bobby Brady. And then by the time I got to the mic, they were. And for your fifth time on stage, you're not ready for that type of.

A (107:02)

No.

C (107:03)

And they ate me up. And within the first four minutes, they had stopped heckling me and they were just talking to each other and people were still walking in. So do you know what I did? I did my stuff set six times.

A (107:17)

Oh, wow.

C (107:17)

I just repeated it, dude.

A (107:19)

I just.

C (107:20)

I didn't know what else to do. I. People would walk in, I'd be like, oh, you missed my jokes. Let me do these for you. I. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life. And the only thing that made it worse was after the show. I thought we only had one show. Oh, Bill was like, listen, second show, Sam's a little up, I might need you to stretch. I'm like, stretch.

A (107:43)

He mean stretch.

C (107:46)

But I. But it was so crazy to watch him on stage because I. He was the first guy I remember watching going, are we allowed to talk like this?

A (107:56)

Really?

C (107:58)

He was the first guy. Carlin was a little before me and different than Kinison. Kinison got into religion in a way that I had never heard anyone jump on.

A (108:07)

That was a real experience, man.

C (108:09)

Oh, dude, suit. But it was after that night, I remember thinking to myself, well, I'll never bomb like this. Like, I got it out of the way. From here on out, it's easy.

A (108:20)

Like a. Wisdom too. Exactly.

C (108:22)

Just rip that thing out. But. But yeah, that was.

D (108:27)

That's beautiful.

C (108:28)

It was.

D (108:29)

That's beautiful. Part of Sam's story.

C (108:31)

Yeah.

A (108:32)

Well, Josh I think you've earned yourself a plug with that humbling stuff. Tour dates coming up gonna be in Santa Ana. Wait, Santa Ana Pueblo, New Mexico. That's at Quazada's.

C (108:46)

Yep.

A (108:46)

Comedy club at Jimmy Kimmel's club. I'll be there, too, later on September 22.

C (108:52)

I'm there every Monday night. I have a.

A (108:53)

Every Monday night. Right. I'll be in Albuquerque at the Chemo theater. That'll be September 26th, 27th, Orpheum and then. Then Orpheum and Flagstaff. And then October 2nd through the 4th over at Kimmel's club.

C (109:08)

Can I plug. I have a new special on YouTube called the Campfire Special.

D (109:12)

Yeah.

C (109:12)

I want you to know if you're looking to watch some comedy where you're going to learn something, this is the wrong special. This is a turn your brain off. Laugh at ridiculous dumb for an hour.

D (109:24)

I got the same thing on the Mayhem.

C (109:26)

That's it.

A (109:27)

That's it.

C (109:27)

This is not a place where you're going to be figuring things out.

A (109:31)

N. Not a lot of radial arm.

D (109:34)

Cross cut that mother.

A (109:36)

Yeah. Now you want to score before it cross cut it or it will. It will change. My bad. All right, so until next time, a Josh Wolven Mayhem Miller saying Mahala. Pick up your phone and leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744. Get tickets to see the Ace man at AdamCorola.com.

B (110:06)

This September, CBS Hits are streaming free on Pluto TV.

E (110:10)

I'm coming in.

B (110:11)

For this month only, you can watch full seasons of the CBS shows you love. From the courtroom drama of Madlock to the heroics of Fire Country. Go back to where it all began in NCIS origins. Or watch the hilarious hauntings of ghosts, all for free. Full seasons of the CBS shows you love this month only on Pluto tv. Stream now pay never. This September, CBS hits are streaming free on Pluto tv.

D (110:42)

I'm coming in hot.

B (110:43)

For this month only, you can watch full seasons of the CBS CBS shows you love. From the courtroom drama of Matlock to the heroics of Fire Country. Go back to where it all began in NCIS origins. Or watch the hilarious hauntings of ghosts, all for free. Full seasons of the CBS shows you love this month only on Pluto tv. Stream now pay never.