Ken Burns + Karine Steffans (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Summary of The Adam Carolla Show Episode: Ken Burns + Karine Steffans (Carolla Classics)

Release Date: November 29, 2024
Podcast: Adam Carolla Show
Guests: Ken Burns, Corinne Steffens
Duration: Approximately 75 minutes

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Introduction to Carolla Classics

The episode begins with Giovanni introducing "Carolla Classics," a segment that features the best moments and fan-selected clips from over 15 years of the Adam Carolla Show. Giovanni highlights the availability of ad-free companion podcasts and invites listeners to request specific clips via email.

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One-on-One with Ken Burns

[02:12] Ken Burns on Documentary Filmmaking

Ken Burns sat down with Adam Carolla in a 2010 episode to delve into his extensive career in documentary filmmaking. Burns elaborates on his distinctive approach to creating documentaries, emphasizing continuous research and writing throughout the production process.

Ken Burns (03:06): "We never stop researching. We never stop writing. We're rewriting something in the stuff."

[03:54] Avoiding Traditional Documentary Formats

Burns discusses his intentional departure from traditional documentary structures, which often present information in a didactic manner. Instead, he aims to reveal new discoveries and layers of nuance, allowing the storytelling to unfold organically.

Ken Burns (03:54): "Most documentaries are... homework. We avoid that; we'd like to take and tell you something we've discovered."

[04:00] The Use of Castor Oil as a Metaphor

In a humorous segue, Burns and Giovanni compare castor oil to cod liver oil, using them as metaphors for the disciplined and sometimes unappreciated effort required in documentary work.

Ken Burns (04:00): "They're both very, very bad to taste. And they're really, really good for you."

[05:39] The Pursuit of Happiness and Societal Friction

Burns reflects on the philosophical underpinnings of the American pursuit of happiness, questioning whether it pertains to materialistic endeavors or deeper personal and intellectual growth. He critiques the modern tendency to avoid discomfort, likening it to societal health issues like obesity and heart disease.

Ken Burns (05:39): "We think that we are deserving of happiness and that anything that's friction, difficult, oppositional... it's not for us."

[06:01] Mark Twain's Perspective on Laughter

A notable moment in the conversation is Burns quoting Mark Twain on the nature of laughter, highlighting the balance between joy and sorrow in comedic expression.

Ken Burns (06:01): "Mark Twain said the source of laughter is not joy, but sorrow. There is no laughter in heaven."

[08:15] The Enduring Relevance of Documentaries

Burns speaks passionately about the timelessness of his documentaries, particularly "Baseball," which he believes will serve as a definitive resource for future generations seeking to understand American history and culture.

Ken Burns (08:15): "A hundred years from now or 2,000 years from now, when somebody wants to know about World War II or baseball, they'll go to your work, theoretically."

[09:41] Inspirations and Personal Journey

Ken Burns shares his personal journey into documentary filmmaking, motivated by witnessing his father's emotional resilience expressed through movies. This early exposure underscored the profound impact of the medium, steering Burns toward a career focused on capturing and conveying human stories.

Ken Burns (09:41): "I watched my dad cry for the first time. This is what I want to do."

[12:33] Navigating Criticism and Authorial Intent

Burns emphasizes the importance of storytelling integrity over conforming to critics' expectations. He discusses handling specific criticisms regarding his portrayal of historical figures, reaffirming his commitment to nuanced and comprehensive narratives.

Ken Burns (12:33): "Our whole process gets attenuated because we don't have a research period followed by a scripting period... allows you to add layers of nuance."

[19:15] Future Projects and Documentary Themes

Ken Burns outlines his ambitious "Stalinist ten-year plan," detailing upcoming projects including documentaries on Prohibition, the Dust Bowl, the Roosevelts, Vietnam, and significant legal cases like the Central Park Jogger. He highlights the interconnectedness of historical events and their personal impacts on American society.

Ken Burns (19:15): "After baseball, the 10th inning, next year is Prohibition. The year after that is the Dust Bowl... We're just beginning editing."

[25:05] The Steroid Era in Baseball

A substantial portion of the discussion focuses on the steroid era in baseball. Burns analyzes its impact on the sport's integrity, player performance, and fan perception. He contrasts pre- and post-steroid statistics, debating whether performance enhancements truly elevated the game or merely distorted its authenticity.

Ken Burns (25:05): "We have to figure out a way to put it in perspective. Baseball, where statistics really matter..."

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Humorous Interludes and Audience Engagement

Following the in-depth interview with Ken Burns, the episode transitions back to the regular show format with Giovanni, Allison Rosen, and Bald Brian. These segments are characterized by off-the-cuff humor, playful banter, and fictional advertisements. Notable moments include:

• [14:29] Giacomo's Mock Advertisement: Promoting GoToMeeting with humorous exaggeration.

• [19:15] Transition Back to Studio: Giovanni engages in witty exchanges about baseball antics and personal anecdotes.

• [38:23] Relationship Advice Segment: Giovanni offers humorous yet surprisingly thoughtful advice on maintaining relationships and addressing weight concerns with a partner.

• [75:00] Relationship Call-In with Yolanda: Yolanda seeks advice on navigating trust issues in a long-term relationship, receiving a candid and comedic response from Giovanni.

• [120:55] Blah Blah Blah Game: A playful segment where Corinne Steffens and the hosts match celebrities with their online rants, accompanied by humorous commentary.

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Closing Remarks and Upcoming Shows

The episode concludes with announcements for upcoming live shows, new podcast episodes, and promotions for sponsors like Amazon and O'Reilly Auto Parts. Giovanni wraps up by acknowledging the humorous nature of the show's segments and extends gratitude to guests and listeners alike.

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Notable Quotes

• Ken Burns (03:54): "Most documentaries are homework. We avoid that; we'd like to take and tell you something we've discovered."

• Ken Burns (05:39): "We think that we are deserving of happiness and that anything that's friction, difficult, oppositional... it's not for us."

• Ken Burns (06:01): "Mark Twain said the source of laughter is not joy, but sorrow. There is no laughter in heaven."

• Ken Burns (08:15): "A hundred years from now or 2,000 years from now, when somebody wants to know about World War II or baseball, they'll go to your work, theoretically."

• Ken Burns (25:05): "We have to figure out a way to put it in perspective. Baseball, where statistics really matter..."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show offers a compelling blend of insightful discussion with Ken Burns on the art and impact of documentary filmmaking, interspersed with the show's signature humor and lighthearted segments. For listeners seeking depth in understanding American historical narratives alongside entertaining banter, this episode stands out as a memorable installment in the Carolla Classics series.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Karl Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni.

[Giovanni]

This is the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

We play the best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 15 years of the Adam Krull show. We have an ad free companion podcast feed titled Krull Classics with the archives exclusively available through Adam Kroll's substack along with a brand new podcast, Beat it Out featuring Adam and Jay Moore as well as other ad free and early releases. Make sure to check it out and subscribe. If you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcarlo.com now onto the clips. Coming up first day we have Adam Corolla show up at 375. This is a one on one. Adam and Ken Burns. They sit down, they go over Ken's entire career, his style, how he makes his documentaries. Very interesting discussion. This one's from back in 2010. Hope you enjoy.

[Corinne Steffens]

Dearest Martha, my soul is weary from the toil and hardship of battle. The only thing that hardens me in these troubled times are thoughts of your lovely visage. And this exchange by a historian and a witty man by the name of Corolla. An Italian, I believe, but he might be a Hebrew. Mr. Carolla's jibes and witticisms make my heart soar. I suggest you listen forthwith. Colonel Michael E. Dawson, Glendale Regiment.

[Giovanni]

Well, get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate get it on. I feel weird saying that in front of Ken Burns, documentarian and all around good guy. Ken has a new documentary coming out September 28th and 29th that is coming up this September 28th and 29th on PBS. It's called baseball and it's the. It's the 10th inning. We've already done the. It's 94 to yesterday.

[Ken Burns]

92 to yesterday.

[Giovanni]

Oh, 92 to yesterday.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, we came out in 94 with our nine episode, nine inning, 18 and a half hour, which you think would be enough to which we've added two, two hours. So we have four more hours.

[Giovanni]

What's your longest documentary to date?

[Ken Burns]

Baseball. And now baseball plus the 10th inning.

[Giovanni]

I saw the War, which is just unbelievable.

[Ken Burns]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

I mean, and I'm trying to think, is it how much of what you do is just dogged determination and patience, Meaning, you know, if you're Bruckheimer, it's a different part of your brain, I guess you're using. If you're making a film and you're making one that's just involved in like, you know, what if somebody says we need a Documentary on the Civil War, and you have seven weeks to do it. It's impossible.

[Ken Burns]

We say no to. Yeah, no, we want to. You know, most documentaries are. Or at least in the past, documentaries have been homework. You know, they're castor oil. Something you know is good for you. It's somebody telling you what you should know. And we avoid that we'd like to take. Tell you something we've discovered. So our whole process gets attenuated because we don't have a research period followed by a scripting period and then follow the template that that script represents through shooting and editing. This is. We never stop researching. We never stop writing. We're the last day of editing. We're rewriting something in this stuff. So it takes a really long time, but allows you to add layers of nuance and to get stuff that you didn't get to have, you know, very complex parallel constructions in the structure of the film. And it's the only way I know how to do it. I've been doing that for 35 years. And that's it.

[Giovanni]

Is castor oil the same as cod liver oil? And then which one tastes worse? They're both bad.

[Ken Burns]

They're both very, very bad to taste. And they're really, really good for you.

[Giovanni]

Really.

[Ken Burns]

You literally have to hold your nose and you go like this. And you think that people had to take it every single day. And they did. Like, my dad took it every single day. And that's why it explains a lot.

[Giovanni]

Have you ever. That's why he was so angry and holding his nose all the time.

[Ken Burns]

Exactly.

[Giovanni]

And have you ever had brewer's yeast, by the way?

[Ken Burns]

Yes, I have.

[Giovanni]

That's another thing that's supposed to be good for you. That tastes horrible. Why would you do this? Do a documentary on why God would punch.

[Ken Burns]

Why the punishment of all the good stuff is like, yeah, wire ho ho's.

[Giovanni]

Delicious, but are gonna kill you. But cod livers oil and tofu. And tofu. Do a doc on that.

[Ken Burns]

I had a patch where I would sometimes sprinkle brewer's yeast on grapefruit. And it was actually all right. And it was like a granola y thing.

[Giovanni]

But it's almost like when mixed. When martial artists punch a piece of birch. You know what I mean? Like, that's just you trying to toughen up your palate. You're taking the two worst tasting things on the planet and combining them.

[Ken Burns]

See, I think it all went wrong when Thomas Jefferson said he could have followed John Locke and said, life, liberty, and property. We understand that get the hell off my glance or I'm going to shoot you. But he said pursuit of happiness, and we didn't know what that meant. And was the pursuit of the happiness after things in a marketplace, or was it a lifelong learning of the mind and the heart? Which is what I think it was, but I think a lot. We think that we are deserving of happiness and that anything that's friction, difficult, oppositional, like castor oil, brewer's yeast, and tofu, it's not for us. So we're fat, we're dying of heart disease, we have diabetes.

[Giovanni]

And we think we're happy, but we're not.

[Ken Burns]

And we think we're happy, but we're not.

[Giovanni]

Well, you know, I've always said this, that the best way I always talk about this when I talk about comedy, which is it needs a little pathos mixed in there to make the comedy pay off.

[Ken Burns]

Mark Twain said the source of laughter is not joy, but sorrow. There is no laughter in heaven.

[Giovanni]

Hold on. Google Matt Twain.

[Ken Burns]

Mark Twain.

[Giovanni]

Mark Twain.

[Ken Burns]

He's a famous American.

[Giovanni]

A lot of our listeners don't know.

[Ken Burns]

Famous American writer. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. All right. We're gonna check that out.

[Ken Burns]

He wrote. He wrote. Yeah, he's a pretty funny dude.

[Giovanni]

Oh, Twain's. Yeah, Twain's. There's a restaurant. Okay. Check that out. Yeah, well, it's true, I always say.

[Ken Burns]

He also said, by the way, that it's not that the world is filled with fools, it's just that lightning isn't distributed right. Which will be funny in a thousand years when no other humorist from the 19th century has any. I mean, when they fired in the back of Lincoln's brain. In Our American Cousin, which was a comedy, the line that got the laugh, that gave Booth the sort of. The COVID to shoot was usocdologizing Old Man Trap. Really, really not funny now, considering what happened.

[Giovanni]

But that's what created the laughter in the theater. Yeah.

[Ken Burns]

Usoctologizing Old Man Trap. Ha ha, ha. Like that. But Twain, the things he said, like lightning being distributed right, is going to be around, and if we haven't gotten rid of our species in a thousand years, that will still be funny.

[Giovanni]

Well, it's funny because there's a Nic Cage movie. You know, every Nic Cage movies either involves some historical event like Lincoln being shot or the extinction of her species.

[Ken Burns]

Exactly right. He's doing double duty, heading backwards or forwards.

[Giovanni]

Well, speaking of, I was thinking about this before you started talking about Mark Matt Twain and what he might. What his legacy was and is. I was thinking for you and the work that you do, this stuff is. It's forever and it's the first time that it was. I mean, these things have been documented in various ways, shapes and forms. There's been a lot of, you know, world at War kind of stuff, World War II, and there's been plenty of documentaries made on baseball, but not a definitive sort of we took everything and put it under one roof kind of collection. And so a hundred years from now or 2,000 years from now, when somebody wants to know about World War II or when they want to know about baseball, they'll go to your work, theoretically. And that's got to be a pretty nice feeling.

[Ken Burns]

Well, you know, a lot of it. It is exciting and it's nice to see that they are evergreen. And you hope that the emotional archaeology that we are partaking in will last and be durable. That it isn't just going to be about the buckle collectors or the guys who are interested in the caliber of the guns or the movement of regiments, but a human story that we try to tell. The Civil War was bottom up as well as top down. The World War II, of which it's the only film that I've ever done in which the territory was filled with other projects, hundreds, thousands of documentaries, but no one had decided to try to tell the two theaters, the European and the Pacific theater simultaneously as they happened. World of War didn't do it. Nobody did it. A Victory at Sea and nobody tried to then also fold in the home front as well as a bottom up thing. So we took four geographically distributed American towns, Waterbury, Connecticut, Mobile, Alabama, Sacramento, California, and tiny, tiny La Verne, Minnesota, and said, let's see the war through their eyes. How they went off to the war. It didn't mean that it was any limited in that way. The scope could be global, but you could find the universe in a grain of sand.

[Giovanni]

What are some of the documentaries that you've liked over the years, other than all of yours, which Ken normally says he rattles off his 15 and then he gets to everyone else's. But what is your. What are some that have moved you or maybe ones that you saw when you were younger that made you want to get into this?

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, I know. I actually. My mom died when I was 11 and my dad had a really strict curfew. But if there was a movie on TV that lasts till 1am on a school night, he'd let me stay up and watch it like an old movie. Or he'd take me to the Cinema Guild or to the revival house where I'd see European stuff as well. And I watched my dad cry for the first time. And I realized, like, 12 or 13 years old, this is what I want to do. Because I understood why he hadn't been able to deal with the stuff going on in our family, but he could deal with it through a movie. And I realized the power of the medium. So I wanted to be Howard Hawks or John Ford or some such other director of the time. And then I went to Hampshire College in amherst, Massachusetts, in 71. And everybody was a social documentary, still photographer. They were interested in the truth of what is and what was. And all of a sudden I had my molecules rearranged, and I'm now interested in doing documentaries. And that combined with a completely untrained interest in history to start doing this sort of stuff. And that's where it came from.

[Giovanni]

My stepdad took me to see Smoking the Bandit once when I was 13. And that was my experience with the cinema. You know what cinema? You know, what's kind of nice is, you know, if you want to make movies, you're going to take your lumps. I mean, if you want to get into this business, I don't care how much money you've made. I mean, you know, Robert De Niro has five stinkers. You know, Marlon Brando has a few stinkers in there. Everybody has a couple of stinkers, even the great directors and the writers and blah, blah, blah. The thing that's got to be nice about making documentaries is I'm sure some are received better than others. But you never get any one and a half stars on any of these babies, do you?

[Ken Burns]

No, no, no. I mean, every once in a while you get a critic who's decided that they're gonna take you down for the pretentiousness with which you've decided to approach baseball or some other such thing. Or maybe you find a jazz Erotti guy who thinks that, you know, because you left out the second sidemen in Count Basie's band between 47 and 48, you've failed miserably. But you weren't the telephone book, so.

[Giovanni]

You do have some credits.

[Ken Burns]

So it's a really nice sort of thing, and it's kind of cool to be able to respond to them because. And you say, okay, so who of today's or criticism that you didn't do? Modern jazz guys. Who of today's jazz guys are as important as Louis Armstrong or Duke Ellington, Count Basie, Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, Miles Davis, John Coltrane and They'll go, well, we won't know for 25 years. And they go, yeah, and it's called.

[Giovanni]

History, you know, and there's your answer.

[Ken Burns]

And there's your answer.

[Giovanni]

So now baseball and are these doc as far as picking a documentary and do you get pissed off when people call the doc like I get pissed off when people call Curb youb Enthusiasm Curb.

[Ken Burns]

I hate the only one. They call me K. But doc's okay. I know I don't ever use it when people say, yeah, I like docs, meaning they don't like docs.

[Giovanni]

In terms of deciding, I mean, I assume you like jazz and you like baseball and oh, I didn't know it.

[Ken Burns]

I mean, I knew baseball. I grew up. I don't remember a time when in the little movies of myself there wasn't a mitt in my left hand.

[Giovanni]

Hand.

[Ken Burns]

Cod liver oil and some cod liver oil. But instantly working on baseball way back when I realized how little I knew. So every film essentially has been a complete immersion into something else. And that's better that way because you don't want me to tell you what you should know. You want me to say, hey, I gotta tell you what I just learned. That's always better than the sharing of discovery rather than and there'll be a quiz tomorrow.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, you don't want to get preachy. Yeah, you want to take people on a journey of discovery and hey, chickapees, ace man. Here for my good friends at GoToMeeting. Now, I've been talking about these guys for a few weeks now, but I got some new news. That's right, you can take GoToMeeting to go. How on your iPad. Jive turkey. GoToMeeting, brought to you by Citrix, has a free app built specifically for your iPad. You just download the GoToMeeting app and join sessions on your iPad in seconds and you can try it out for free. That's right. Try GoToMeeting free 45 days. Visit GoToMeeting.com Click on the Try it free button and type in the promo code Adam. Be sure to type in the promo code Adam for this special free extended offer. 45 days. Such a deal. How can you lose? Go to meeting. And so do you have your topic sort of lined up where you know, here's what we're going to get to down the road.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, I got a sort of Stalinist ten year plan going on right now. So after baseball, the 10th inning, next year is Prohibition. The year after that is the Dust bowl, which we're both Of Prohibition is done. We locked the picture dust bowl. We're just beginning editing. We're just beginning editing. A big thing on the history of the Roosevelts. Theater of Franklin and Eller, believe it or not. No one's told them as a connected family drama, they'd done Theodore book and film. They've done Franklin book and film. Sometimes Franklin and Eleanor, but they're all related. She was born with the last name. And then beyond that, Vietnam. We were also doing a film in the Central park jogger case. Those black and Hispanic boys accused of wilding, who served their term in jail, didn't do it.

[Giovanni]

And her story, what happened to wilding, I feel like it was all the rage about 10 years ago.

[Ken Burns]

Well, it was invented by folks at that 1989 thing, and these kids didn't do it.

[Giovanni]

My son can bring that back. Bring back schools in a few years. Just, you know, kind of old school. Well, so now, do people pitch you topics?

[Ken Burns]

No, we just do our own stuff. It's within our own. These are all handmade, so there's a half dozen of us.

[Giovanni]

But does somebody ever go, hey, man, how about that Lindbergh, baby? And you go, yeah, what about that Lindbergh, baby? And then they tell you a couple things and you go, that's happened a couple times.

[Ken Burns]

I made a film on Huey Long. I actually helped a friend make a film on Lindbergh for Exactly that reason 20 years ago. But, yeah, no, somebody says, look at this footage of Huey Long giving a speech. And it made Broderick Crawford, who got an Oscar for All the King's men in 1948 or 49, it put him to shame. I mean, the real Huey Long was so much more interesting, just like the real Jack Johnson. The film that we made a few years ago was much more interesting than the great white hope.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I don't know if I saw your version of the Jack Johnson, but Jack Johnson, the first black heavyweight, and really the first. I mean, he was long before black athletes had made it into, you know, mainstream sports.

[Ken Burns]

They had a gentleman's agreement that no black could fight for the heavyweight championship. And this was a decade in which more African Americans were lynched than in any other time. And he's not only beating up white people, he's marrying white women.

[Giovanni]

And this could not stand and transporting them across.

[Ken Burns]

Well, that's all exposed facto. That's how they. When they couldn't beat him in the ring, when they couldn't find a great white hope to beat him, and they found, you know, they Pulled out many and he dispatched them all. Then they went after him for his private life. Nothing that any other boxer, white, or baseball player or even statesman, the great black scholar W.E.B. du Bois, said it all comes down then to his unforgivable blackness. And so we called our film Unforgivable Blackness because that was what it.

[Giovanni]

Unbelievable story. And again, the 45 years before Jackie.

[Ken Burns]

Robinson and before Muhammad Ali, like, we think Muhammad Ali is the greatest of all time. And we feel also sympathy for the trials that he, you know, his government went after him in a decade we now say was dedicated to civil rights, the 60s. Well, I can tell you that between 1905 and 1915, which is Jack Johnson's huge period, that was a decade dedicated to getting rid of as many black people as we could.

[Giovanni]

Did you in your baseball doc, cover the story? And are you aware of what is quite possibly my favorite baseball story of all time, which is a minor league catcher with a man on third base jumped up and did that move after the pitch where he was going to fire the ball down the third baseline and see if he could pick off the guy who was taking a little too big a lead, threw what looked like the ball way over the head of the third baseman. The guy on third base saw the ball go sailing into left field and jogged into home plate, only to be tagged out.

[Ken Burns]

Only to be tagged out by the Rosenbag was. That was what went.

[Giovanni]

He threw a potato.

[Ken Burns]

Well, I think you know the baseball rules now is strictly forbidden. We don't know this, but stop the presses. We have got to open up this 10th inning and add that.

[Giovanni]

Cut it. Break it. Break it open because. Get out the Abbot. This guy threw a potato. He came out onto the field with a potato. He threw the potato. The guy trotted in, he touched him with the ball, and then he got fired the following day.

[Ken Burns]

I'm sure.

[Giovanni]

But either way, I always thought it was the funniest thing ever that the guy brought a potato out.

[Ken Burns]

They still try the hidden ball trick. They do all that stuff. So the game.

[Giovanni]

I did it in the celebrity softball game. It works like a charm.

[Ken Burns]

It does. Of course.

[Giovanni]

It has to work.

[Ken Burns]

It has to work.

[Giovanni]

You just go, I'm gonna go talk to you. He takes his lead off and you touch him on the head. Yeah, it should be. It should be illegal. But anyway, the next. So we're talking about. You gotta. You gotta.

[Ken Burns]

10Th inning.

[Giovanni]

Oh, the 10th inning. Yeah, sorry. We're talking about that now. What. So that covers 92.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah. So the last. But the thing that came out in 94, when the strike season we came out and we thought we were going to be competing with other baseball, and we weren't. We were. The only thing on the last bit of action we Described was the 1992 World Series between the Phillies and the Toronto Blue Jays, which Toronto won and a walk off by Joe Carter. We back up to the nlcs, where a young, skinny Barry Bonds fails to throw Sid Bream out at the plate in the bottom of the ninth in Atlanta, and Atlanta wins the pennant. The Pirates go down, Atlanta's ascendant, and that's the last play that this young Barry Bonds will play. And it's his narrative, his arc of his biography is sort of the underlying story. Because, of course, he's going to carry both the promise and the shadow, the peril of baseball over the next two decades that are, if you separate out, say, the 40s, when Jackie Robinson came up with the most consequential. The last two have been among the most consequential that we've ever had with the strike with the specter of steroids, but also enormously dramatic performances. The braves and their 14 consecutive division titles. Joe Torrey making some sense of the Bronx Zoo, the home run chase, the strike and the aftermath of Cal Ripken and the rise of Latin players. And then 911 and Ichiro and Barry Bonds as a giant and his postseason woes, and the Red Sox being defeated again in 2003, and then coming back in the greatest game, plus the Red.

[Giovanni]

Sox coming back down 30 to the.

[Ken Burns]

Yankees, it's this highlight. Listen, I live in New England. I've lived in New England for 40 years. When that happened in 2004, it was the first time the antenna went up and you said, you know, maybe we should do this. And then it wasn't until two years later, when the specter of steroids was so. It was just being shoved up everybody's butt that I just thought, I've got to go back and treat it. We have to figure out a way to put it in perspective. Because, you know, in 1977, George Foster hits 50 home runs. Cecil Fielder for the Reds, Cecil Fielder does it for the tigers in 90. And that's. That was it. A 50 home run season was a rarity. Then all of a sudden, middle infielders were hitting 50 home runs. I could hit 50 home runs. And then now it's a rarity again. So stuff got inflated, home run stuff. But there weren't that many more. 300 hitters. Nobody hit 406 as Ted Williams did in 41. No one went on in a 56 game hitting streak as DiMaggio does also in 41. So in some ways with baseball going from the worst testing to now, the best testing in professional sports, you feel like if the genie's not back in the bottle, at least the steroids era is a little bit in the rearview mirror.

[Giovanni]

Well, so the thing that's interesting about the steroid era is the home runs one up. But you're saying no one hit. 400 and nobody hit as well as a lot of the guys hit 40 years earlier. So did it just add, what's your assertion there? What's your theory?

[Ken Burns]

So basically the ball popped a little bit more because of the muscle mass that they were building up. And yeah, I mean we're always going to have to deal with it. But you know what, baseball where statistics really matter, they don't matter in the other sports. How many points Does Will Chamberlain?

[Giovanni]

55,221. I'm a huge film fan. No, I have no idea.

[Ken Burns]

We know how many Babe Ruth has. We know how many Hank Aaron has. So it matters here. But you still need to tell a story. Like if I ask you who won the 1919 World Series and you looked it up, it would say the Cincinnati Red Stockings. But then you go, wait a second, wasn't that the Black Sox scandal when the White Sox threw it because Arnold Rustin and other gamblers paid them to do that? Yes, it was. But it still says the Cincinnati Red Stockings won. That it doesn't say Babe Ruth asterisk. He never had to play against the Negro Leagues which were clearly once they were allowed in belatedly and in a quota system so much better than anybody else that he never had to pitch against them or fly to the other side of the coast to play a night game or split fingered fastball or all this other stuff. Or that Bobby Thompson was stealing the signs and knew exactly what Ralph Branko was going to pitch to him in the 1951 one game playoff between the Dodgers and the Giants. So everything requires a story and that's why we wanted to do the beginning.

[Giovanni]

But to be fair to Babe, he was getting drunk on trains and whoring. So I would say that makes up for jet lag and split finger fastball.

[Ken Burns]

I agree. I agree totally.

[Giovanni]

He probably saw four balls coming at.

[Ken Burns]

Him and hit them all.

[Giovanni]

And he had to hit with that crown and the cigar, right?

[Ken Burns]

And the fur coat on and the Hong Kong car.

[Giovanni]

Hot day in New York that's gonna be rough.

[Ken Burns]

It's tough.

[Giovanni]

So as far as. Then something like steroids in general because I actually flew out to Chicago next to. Sitting next to Mr. Universe bulging over the seat. Very large. Yeah. As Latz kept knocking my bloody Mary off my trey. And you know, we were talking, I was talking about steroids. And you know, he said, you know, in my business, it's impossible without it. Without it. And if you take a look at the. And he also said, you know, the natural competitions, those guys don't get endorsement deals, they don't get prize money, they don't get anyone. Nobody gives a crap who Mr. Natural is. They want to see Mr. Juiced Up Steroid. Right. And then also so, you know, there's this thing where it's like, well, Lyle Alzado got a brain tumor when he was 38. And he says it's because he's juicing. But we all know people, housewives have gotten brain tumors and died at 38.

[Ken Burns]

We know that the side effects of steroids are just debilitating, particularly in the mega doses the athletes took. Not just roid rage, not just the pimples, but a whole sets of things from cancer to heart disease to whatever.

[Giovanni]

What I mean, do we have cadavers that we've examined?

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, because people have been doing it. The Nazis gave it. They were developed by German scientists, synthetic stuff to make their soldiers more aggressive.

[Giovanni]

Usually comes out of the Virgin Islands. The Nazis are behind this one?

[Ken Burns]

Of course they're behind it.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Ken Burns]

And the Cold War, you know, the East Germans gave all to everybody. And we started getting them in the 60s and our Olympic athletes and then later some of our pro football and then pitchers started taking.

[Giovanni]

Well, I mean the pro football guys, you know, the head trauma stuff, we finally figured out not a great thing to get your bell rung, you know, 28 times in the course of a career. And so they dissect those guys brains and the guys in their 50s have brains of 80 year olds.

[Ken Burns]

80 year olds.

[Giovanni]

Whereas I. I don't know how old you are, Ken, but I see you as having a brain of like a 19 year old when you're 80. I see she is a clean liver who exercises his brain quite a bit.

[Ken Burns]

Pretty accurate there. I'm 57, but I don't look at. I'm going to be a grandfather and six months insane.

[Giovanni]

Well, I think it's, I think a lot of time in a dark room.

[Ken Burns]

That'S right out of the sun.

[Giovanni]

Meets no vices.

[Ken Burns]

Some. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Meets not a care in the world.

[Ken Burns]

Oh, yeah, right, yeah. No, no, me not a care in the world. Somebody asked me once, I live in this tiny little village in New Hampshire, and somebody come to the little greasy spoon breakfast place and they said, how do you stay so young, this old lady? And I said, excessive worry and travel. So it may just be counterintuitive.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really? So they have done autopsies on these Russian athletes and these German athletes, and they've found horrible things, horrible things that these steroids have done.

[Ken Burns]

But look, you know, the thing, the point about the steroids is not trying to legitimize them. We should all be taking them. And maybe the next generation of baseball players should be 7ft tall and 3ft wide and whatever it is, but that what's, you know, the players and the players association made this terrible decision to permit some to not test and therefore permit some people to advance because they did take it, and others perhaps to fall back because they didn't want to ruin their bodies. That's kind of a Faustian bargain they made.

[Giovanni]

I'll tell you what happens is in my business a little bit, it's sort of like publicists and lawyers. They're evil, they're bad for you, they're expensive, no one wants to deal with them. But once a bunch of other people start lawyering up and they get a publicist, they get a lawyer. Now you need a publicist and a lawyer, or otherwise you can't compete. And so once you realize that Canseco is juicing, you go, well, I gotta be competitive too.

[Ken Burns]

The Typhoid Mary of it. And he made it happen. That's what happened. We're also in an age we sort of isolate the baseball players and see them in a vacuum and permit our moralization to take place. But in fact, these guys are in the same culture in which we advertise, you know, Le Vitra and Viagra on daytime tv. We think that we can take a pill to make ourselves better in the bedroom. We can give our kids pills so they'll be better at school. And in the film, in the 10th Inning, Chris Rodick looks at me and says, if they made a pill that would have you be paid like Steven Spielberg, you'd take it. You would, you know, and that's the dilemma that those middle infielders were facing. It's not just the big stars. It's a guy who says, man, if I do this, I might get that five year contract that will put me through till I'm 40. My family will be set. And you know I'll be okay. Otherwise, if I don't do it, I might fall back to the AAA and I'm making nothing and I've got to, you know, get something going.

[Giovanni]

Well, baseball is one of the sports, I would say, different than basketball and even different than football, where there's a lot of guys that are really. I mean, there's a handful of elite guys and then there's just a massive amount of guys that were the star of their high school team who played aaa, played some college ball. And those guys are almost interchangeable in the sense that they're a good outing away, a good at bat away from making it to the show, versus playing bad hands for the rest of their lives.

[Ken Burns]

For the rest of their lives.

[Giovanni]

Right. And in basketball, when you got a guy who's just a big power forward and you can see that he's got that shot and he moves like a guard, he's just in. I mean, baseball is that one sport because size doesn't. Isn't as big a factor.

[Ken Burns]

You don't have to be 7ft tall or 7ft wide or on skates.

[Giovanni]

There's just a lot of guys that had a real legitimate shot of making.

[Ken Burns]

A choice difference between a.275 hitter and a.300 hitter. It's just a couple of bloop singles, you know, a month.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Ken Burns]

Literally something falling in as opposed to being caught. And that's, that's an amazingly. I mean, look, you fail seven times out of 10 in baseball. You're a.300 hitter, you do it for 20 years, you're in the hall of Fame. That's a lot of failure.

[Giovanni]

Right?

[Ken Burns]

And this is the only sport in which the defense has the ball. The only sport, the only sport without a clock. The only sport which has a rigid set of rules. But every outfield is different, every foul territory is different. And the man scores, not the ball. Name me another sport in which, you know, you need the basket, the ball to go through the basket, you need to cross the end zone, you need to go in the cup, you need to do. In this baseball, you know, the ball can be literally out of the park and you're scoring.

[Giovanni]

You're. I know you think you like baseball now, but you're going to be throwing out the first pitch at the Dodger game. Yeah, you're not going to like baseball when you're done tossing out that first pitch.

[Ken Burns]

I threw a. At Target Field two days ago, three days ago, I threw a strike.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Ken Burns]

And to the fanatic who wasn't wearing a glove. I sort of pulled up a little bit at Citizens bank and I really grooved one in Texas. I threw up before Steven Strasberg's debut.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Ken Burns]

Which was 40,000 people.

[Giovanni]

You're jinxing yourself.

[Ken Burns]

Oh, you know it. But see, look, I'm keeping my day job. If I bounce it, what are they going to do? Oh, Burns, what's he doing? What does he think he is? But if I groove it, they go, whoa.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Ken Burns]

I mean, I had the guy at Target come out. Who caught it was a coach. He said, that's the first strike I've had all year.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I've done it a few times, never had a strike. You know why they set you up to fail?

[Ken Burns]

Of course they do.

[Giovanni]

Because they don't give you any warmup pitches.

[Ken Burns]

No warm up pitches, and they don't.

[Giovanni]

Give you a mitt to wear.

[Ken Burns]

I bring my mittens. I've got my mitt with me.

[Giovanni]

And ringer.

[Ken Burns]

I bring my mitt because you need it for balance. You don't realize we don't throw like this. And you know, you get up on the mound and that the mound is also a problem too, because you've. All your life, you've never been throwing like this.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Ken Burns]

So then you throw the kite. It's all in follow through balance. It's all in follow through.

[Giovanni]

The other thing too that drives me insane is I used to play baseball in high school and one time got to go out to Vero beach for just a man show bit and train with Tommy Lasorda and the Dodgers and had a great time.

[Ken Burns]

There's a good clean living guy.

[Giovanni]

He cusses more than people know. And one of the. Well, I have a couple good Tommy Lasorda stories, but one of them, you.

[Ken Burns]

Can'T go on a family network show.

[Giovanni]

This isn't family. We can say whatever we want. We, me and Jimmy were doing a parade for Mardi Gras in New Orleans that we were filling in for Tommy Lasorda, who pulled out at the last moment. So his wife told him, you're not going to New Orleans. You're not being grand marshal of a Mardi Gras parade two days before he was due to do it. So they asked Jimmy and I to fill in Grand Marshall. It's a pretty big fleet to fill, but we were able to fill in for the skipper. Didn't have time to change the beads that had a huge medallion of Tommy Lesorta's head on it. So every.

[Ken Burns]

You were throwing out.

[Giovanni]

Throwing out beads. And it Was the same thing. Everyone would catch the beads, they would go nuts. I mean, they put their kids up on a frame ladder, right?

[Ken Burns]

Exactly.

[Giovanni]

Put a coat hanger around the guy's head that's shaped like a basketball hoop. And yeah, literally, they put their three year old up on it. Child protective services should just follow those parades around and just start rounding up people because it's like, first off, it's a school day.

[Ken Burns]

What are your kids doing?

[Giovanni]

Diapers full. You have on top a nine foot. A frame ladder. He has a beer in his hand, he's yelling, show us your feet. He's three. He's three. So everybody would chuck the beads do. They'd go nuts and then they'd look at the beads.

[Ken Burns]

They'd go, what?

[Giovanni]

Why is this 70 year old fat guy. Why did Corolla. I don't think it even said Tommy Lasorda. It was just.

[Ken Burns]

You had to know who he was.

[Giovanni]

He had to be a huge Dodger fan. So that was my Lasorda story. But a cool guy and had fun playing with him. But once at a certain point, you make the switch from hardball to softball and you just get used to playing these games with your buddies and your company picnic and all that. And once you get used to in girls, once you get used to chucking that softball, it's hard. Then someone puts a baseball back in your hands like throwing a golf ball.

[Ken Burns]

Oh, man, it's hard.

[Giovanni]

I'll tell you something I don't do, Ken, because chivalry is not dead at the Corolla house. When, when the girls come up in the softball game. I don't do that bullshit where I walk up to the edge of the incident. It gives them no shot at getting a hit.

[Ken Burns]

Right?

[Giovanni]

What? What, what's up? I stay back there. If you want to hit a Texas leaguer first base, it's perfectly okay.

[Ken Burns]

I agree.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Ken Burns]

No, no. You don't move in. I like outfield.

[Giovanni]

I like. There's always some guy or gal who thinks they have to stop at first base.

[Ken Burns]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

They don't know. They can run through it.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, right.

[Giovanni]

There's a couple things that drive me.

[Ken Burns]

Like some real basic things.

[Giovanni]

The company softball game. One is the person who's either not from this country or is never. Somehow there's things that escape them about.

[Ken Burns]

Baseball since the company picnic is so democratic. Oh, sure, you can play, right.

[Giovanni]

They'll do the move. They'll be. They'll be this guy. They'll be the person that stops on first base and gets out because they didn't run through it. Right. They'll then be the chick that runs through it, but turns to her left and starts walking back to the bag. Somebody tags around and then you have.

[Ken Burns]

To make that decision.

[Giovanni]

Do you do that thing where you go, connie doesn't know? And then the guy is at first base is an A hole. He's like, she's out. You're like, give her a break. She barely. Oh, and then female women's softball. I was, I watched.

[Ken Burns]

Could you hit any of that stuff?

[Giovanni]

No, I watched 10 minutes. I, I, you could, couldn't time it. It's like coming from underneath, it's moving around. Plus there's a hot chick doing it to you. It's distracting. She's wearing eyeshadow. But there's a couple things that bothered me in the ponytail about the women's softball. And you tell me what you think of this. I watched the US playing like Hungary and some international whatever at espn, you know, two in the morning. The other.

[Ken Burns]

I was in chat, I was watching with you.

[Giovanni]

We boosted the rating, so I was watching. Now the number one and the number two hitter do some kind of weird drag bun shop.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, kind of an Ichiro thing where.

[Giovanni]

They'Re Ichiro way out of the batter's box. The bag is 60ft away. So all you gotta do is get the ball on the ground and you can run it out. The shortstop who's charging, fields it cleanly, gets it out of her mitt into the first baseman as fast as humanly possible.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're still safe.

[Giovanni]

They're still safe. You're ruining the sport, people. It'd be like someone saying, hey, we got a heavyweight fight, but only jabs, no right hand. Everyone's with both.

[Ken Burns]

The male version too, because they throw it this lobbying underhand which they put all this English on. So if you don't, if you're not like a gigantic linebacker who can crush it, it's gonna just spurt away. And then the women's stuff is too fast to hit.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Ken Burns]

And then it dribbles down the, the.

[Giovanni]

Unlimited arc is a. Travis, I'd like to find the guy who invented the unlimited arc softball. Just kick that guy right in the middle.

[Ken Burns]

I take the 4th of July game, you know, where you're throwing it. Everybody gets a chance to hit it.

[Giovanni]

And tell the teacher where you want it.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, no, I'm not going to hit that junk that you're throwing me.

[Giovanni]

You know what pisses me off? At the company softball game, when the guy rolls the first one in, throws the next one in. Over your head to the back, third one in. The catcher doesn't have a shot at. Now he's getting ready to throw the fourth one in, and the guy in right field yells, come on, Burns.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, hit it.

[Giovanni]

We're not here all day. Jesus Christ. You want to. Served up on a silver platter? And you're like, none has come in that I could hit. But the pressure gets to you.

[Ken Burns]

No, no.

[Giovanni]

And then he throws one that's high, right?

[Ken Burns]

And you shot at it, and you pop out to the catcher or ground to first.

[Giovanni]

I hate that.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, I hate that, too.

[Giovanni]

And I always promised myself, no first pitch, no first.

[Ken Burns]

And then it comes so far, and it's a.

[Giovanni]

It's so fat. All right, but so the. So the women. So I'm watching the women at first.

[Ken Burns]

You see why we had to take four hours to do this update?

[Giovanni]

There's just so much the women need to wear caps. Number one, I don't like the idea that they're wearing balls. They're wearing visors. Like they're dealing black jackets, 50s. Like, I wear a baseball cap. I don't like the. Some of them wear visors, some of them don't.

[Ken Burns]

Right.

[Giovanni]

And then they run out of the batter's box, slide. They do a technique where they let go of the bat, it slides through their hands. They grab it at about the halfway point, chop at it. They're 10ft out of the batter's box. First off, why do we have a batter's box if your ass is going to be outside when you're making contact with the ball?

[Ken Burns]

They're wearing a short little skirt and knee socks, and they still have to slide.

[Giovanni]

Well, some of them wear the pads. Now, they've wised up. The number four hitter, by the way, in the slot did a legitimate bunch.

[Ken Burns]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Why you boist a number? Why you're cleanup and you're bunting. Yeah, of course. People aren't falling in love with your sport. They're not offering any. It's nowhere near. Everyone's going.

[Ken Burns]

You and I are watching it at 2am Only two on ESPN7.

[Giovanni]

I'm masturbating. That's. I don't know why you're there, but the point is that this is why the UFC's taken baseball.

[Ken Burns]

We have an update to do the 10th inning. That's why I'm there. It's homework.

[Giovanni]

It's homework. It's what you tell your wife. So, speaking of your wife, what is the schedule like? What's a normal day for Ken Burns.

[Ken Burns]

Well, I was on the road in 2009, 301 days, and when I told my best friend that my wife was unexpectedly pregnant, he said, that's great. Who's the father? So we're on the road, so we do a lot of promoting, we do a lot of shooting remotely. But, you know, a typical day when we're at home is getting up and spending 10 hours in the editing room trying to make something better on site.

[Giovanni]

You have your own?

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, in this little village in New Hampshire. Yeah, we got four or five avid bays and we work on these, you know, series. You know, I move from one room to another.

[Giovanni]

And when you're doing, I mean, I did a 90 minute independent film and there's a lot of, you know, oh, it's dragging, it feels too long. We're in the, we're in the museum for too long. We need to cut it down. But when you do in 19 hours.

[Ken Burns]

Then you've got that problem times 19. So you're. It's always critical.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, always.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Ken Burns]

We're always trying to figure out how to tell it right.

[Giovanni]

Do you have, I mean, like when you're doing an independent comedy and your first cut comes in at 2 hours and 10 minutes, somebody will say, hey man, this thing's got to be 90 minutes. Do you do that? Do you say, hey man, this thing's got to be 17 hours?

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, I mean, we've started and sometimes the material just says it has to be this long or that episode is going to be an hour and a half or that episode is going to be two hours. And what's great about PBS is that if that hour has to be, that episode has to be 2 hours and 5 minutes. They get 2 hours and 5 minutes and then they fill the other stuff with the making of our conversation. Because who said everything had to come out to 52 minutes or 56 minutes or an hour or 56 minutes?

[Giovanni]

Network prime time half hours is 20 minutes and 30 seconds or 21 minutes, but it's not 23 and a half minutes. There's no accordion effect at all.

[Ken Burns]

Everything's structured to the commercial breaks. So you know how to write in these little tiny things. And maybe that's not the way it goes. So the fact that we can have two, sometimes two and a half hours of clean, uninterrupted time on television is like unknown. I mean, you get it a little bit in the premium cable stuff, but they don't it. I mean, PBS says we want you to do it the way you want to do it.

[Giovanni]

How does the economics of it work?

[Ken Burns]

It's totally different from anything else. It's all grant funded. So we get corporate underwriting, not investment. About 25% bank of America in this case, and they've been fantastic. We get some from PBS and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and every once in a while from the neh, the National Endowment for the Humanities and the rest are foundations and you gotta go out and pound the pavement and get it. But then when you, when you do it, you're free, you've got that wall and you can deal with tough subjects. As you know, I mean, the number one subtheme of American life is race. And people don't want to talk about it, don't want to deal with it. It's in the front pages today, but no one will really come to terms. When Thomas Jefferson said all men are created equal, he went. He didn't sort of look back home and see that he had 100 people or more that work for him, that he never saw that contradiction or hypocrisy and more importantly, never saw fit in his lifetime to free any one of them. And so we deal with these difficult stuff. We deal with lots of complex themes but still try to tell them in an engaging way.

[Giovanni]

How does it work for you? Because as far as your income goes. Because in a way, or you tell me if this is right or wrong, I mean, I'm sure you make money doing speaking engagements.

[Ken Burns]

We get paid modestly for the budgets themselves. I get paid for speaking engagements. There's sometimes a companion book in which you can get some money if it does well. And then if the film does well, afterlife, like DVDs or foreign sales, it trickles down and you get a little bit, most of which which gets just put right back into the next stuff. But you live in rural New Hampshire, you measure your richness just in far more ways than the bottom line. You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

Well, I know for you.

[Ken Burns]

And they haven't invented a pill that Chris Rock suggested that would have me be paid like Steven Spielberg.

[Giovanni]

Well, but. And now do you. I'm guessing you don't have a lot of expensive vices.

[Ken Burns]

I mean, no, the jet's in the shop, it's been up on blocks for a long time. The butler and the chauffeur and the maid and the valet are all, you know, on maternity leave.

[Giovanni]

But this is your life's. Your work, your muse, your passion. It's all wrapped up into one situation.

[Ken Burns]

You know what Monday is not like anticipation of Monday is not a bummer. Friday is not like liberation. The people I work with are the people I play with. It's. I feel like I got the best job in the country. It educates all my parts. I meet lots of very interesting people. I travel around the country. And you engage these things. You become not an expert, but you just dive down deep for a couple years. But then you have to spend 40 years. You can leave it alone. And my first film for PBS was on the Brooklyn Bridge. I can talk to you for an hour about that. What's cool about that. And the next film was on the Shakers. I could talk to you for an hour about what's important about the sh shakers. But I've also done 20 other films since then. Civil War and Baseball and Jazz and, you know, biographies on Mark Twain and Frank Lloyd Wright and Lewis and Clark and Jack Johnson and, you know, the war stuff.

[Giovanni]

Did the guy. Did one of the architects of the Brooklyn Bridge die of blood poisoning because he got his toes smashed by bards?

[Ken Burns]

Very good. His name was John Roebling. He was a German immigrant, the favorite student of Hegel, apparently. He came, he moved to Western Pennsylvania, and he saw that he could make a fortune doing wire rope instead of hemp rope because he watched these barges trying to go up over the Alleghenies break and crash and kill people. So he moved back to Trenton, started this wire company. He designs the Brooklyn Bridge. He's out on a ferry, and this boat comes in. I mean, out on a dock, and a ferry comes in and crushes his foot. He dies of tetanus because he's hydropathous, which means he only does water cures, right?

[Giovanni]

He wouldn't.

[Ken Burns]

And so he wouldn't treat it. And his young son, Washington Roebling, who'd gotten his only training as an engineer in the Civil War, wherein he's building military bridges, takes over the greatest construction of the era. Now, I mean, and I haven't even brought in Boss Tweed and all the shenanigans of bad politics that would make today look kind of clean.

[Giovanni]

What. And speaking of today, could you do a project like that today? Or, I mean, you could do it, but would it take twice as long and cost 10 times as much?

[Ken Burns]

It would probably cost a lot more than it cost. I mean, I lived on 2 cents an hour. That's why I moved from New York to this little village, because I knew I had just taken this vow of anonymity and poverty by becoming a documentary filmmaker for pbs, focusing On American history. And then I'm happy that it didn't turn out that way, But I've used the sort of economic, spartan model of working to make it happen. Yeah. And the other thing is that there's a fire that takes place down in the caissons. These great wooden boxes the size of a city block where they're downed. Men are in there excavating the river bottom, and then they're gonna. They're piling rocks on top of it. And then they get to bedrock, and they fill this thing, this caisson, with cement, and that's what the tower is gonna be on. But they have to use compressed air to keep the water out. So when they come up, they get the bends. Right. So it's this hellish thing, and there was a fire in one of them, and that takes like 18 or 30 seconds. In this original documentary I made, like today, I know so much more that I could turn that fire into five minutes. So then you're talking about bends are.

[Giovanni]

Basically just because it's sort of like the runs and that. It's just named after bending over.

[Ken Burns]

No, no, no, no. I don't know why it got named the bands. I guess because they were doubled over. What happens is that you have nitrogen as a gas in your bloodstream. When you're under extreme pressure, that gets pulverized, and it reforms as a bubble. And those bubbles cause, you know, a million little heart attacks. And people were dying in the Brooklyn bridge. What was originally called the technical military term, I mean, medical term, is caisson's disease. From the construction of bridges in the 19th century, specifically the Brooklyn bridge.

[Giovanni]

It's so insane how what they needed to do, the technology that wasn't in place, now they just get some caisson rig and drill it, you know, from a barge up above.

[Ken Burns]

You know, every once in a while, I stop on those cable channels where they're building the new super duper bridge across the Japanese or Chinese thing. And you know what they're building? Caissons. They got it all down. But it's the same sort of principle where you keep the sea out, and you put this box down and you excavate until you hit bedrock, and then you fill that in and build your tower.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Now, it's just, you know, it's actually the same with dental work, too. If you ever get dental implants. Everything's basically based on the caisson, and.

[Ken Burns]

They don't tie it to a door.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. So the next we have a Vietnam.

[Ken Burns]

One way in 2015, before that is The Roosevelt Central park jogger Dust Bowl. And prohibition is next now, so.

[Giovanni]

So what did you learn? I mean, obviously you became an expert. You become an expert on all this stuff. Prohibition as it pertains to, I guess, you know, a lot of people draw the parallels to drugs and you know.

[Ken Burns]

What, it's such a stupid parallel to draw. And the reason is. Yeah, I mean, you can talk about that stuff, but drugs have always been parts of some very rare subcultures. Every culture drinks alcohol, has fermented or distilled spirits. The real connection about prohibition, to me, the thing that there's nothing new under the sun is that this is a story about right wing single issue campaigns that metastasize. This is the story about the demonization of immigrants. This is the story about state and local governments complaining about unfunded mandates. This is the story of smear campaigns against Democrats. This is a story about unintended consequences. It is almost exactly what's going on now. It's the last gasp of Protestantism. We keep these Romanists from getting their wine, you know, we'll still be able to hold on. It's like a Tea Party thing. It's unbelievable.

[Giovanni]

Did it backfire on us?

[Ken Burns]

Of course it did.

[Giovanni]

Well, I mean, I know it backfired, but to what extent, to every degree would we not have organized crime?

[Ken Burns]

We probably wouldn't have organized crime to the extent that we have today. It made half the country lawbreakers. Female alcoholism, which was almost nonexistent, confined to housewives taking Lydia Pinkham's voice vegetable compound, which was mostly made up of alcohol in the 19th century. And women were never, when, unless you were a prostitute, you were never in a saloon, which is what the Anti Saloon League wanted to get rid of. So when you get rid of the saloons, you replace them with speakeasies. There's no governments. Kids can drink and did. Women drank and did. And female alcoholism becomes a huge social problem by the time prohibition's over. And nothing ever cures alcohol.

[Giovanni]

It's not an unintended consequence of prohibition bringing the women into the speakeasies.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, and it got passed because of a lot of different factors, but it also, after World War I, there's that typical after the war, change in habits. And so women, the mothers who had worked so hard for temperance and then got suckered into accepting total temperance t capital T, total abstinence. That's where it comes from. You know, suddenly looked in horror as their daughters were bobbing their hair and their short skirts and they're not wearing Bras and they're drinking and they're driving and they're, you know, it made half the country, you know, law breakers.

[Giovanni]

It never works. It never works. It always bites you in the ass.

[Ken Burns]

You know that guy Mack Twain I was telling you about earlier? Marty Twain, I mean Mark Twain. Mark. Mark Twain.

[Giovanni]

Mark Twain.

[Ken Burns]

We start the film, we start the film with a quote from him. He says nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

[Giovanni]

Right? Sure. I mean it's so true when they say, should we add $2 to the pack of a, to the price of a pack of cigarettes and give the money to the schools. All the non smokers hands go up.

[Ken Burns]

And go, yeah, my kids go to.

[Giovanni]

School and I don't smoke. Yeah, it's very dangerous. I saw a thing on Eliot Ness, a doc, sorry, on Elliot Ness, what's up? Not too long ago. And it turns out none of these heroes were ever heroes.

[Ken Burns]

He doesn't make an appearance in our film.

[Giovanni]

He really is.

[Ken Burns]

We've got some great bootleggers, guys who are like well respected police lieutenants in Seattle and a well respected defense attorney in Chicago. And they went, I can make a lot more money as bootleggers and became like the king of the Puget Sound bootleggers. And this one guy moved to Cincinnati was making like $6 million one year back at when. $6 million a year.

[Giovanni]

So this sort of myth of Elliot Ness and the Untouchables and all that nonsense never really factored in. Well, I mean he was trying to grab headlines.

[Ken Burns]

Capone, Capone and Torrio in Chicago, they did live up to the hype for a while. But the problem is that trope of the rain slick Chicago streets with the Model T careening around the corner, machine gun blasting, actually clears the territory for us from a much more interesting. We've got that in the film. It's in there and it's fun and it's exciting. But the social transformations, the religious dimension the century before of how it actually happened, I mean these cynical right wing politicians who allied themselves with progressives who wanted to balance. There was no income tax and the beer and liquor industries were going. There's no problem. The government gets more than half of its revenues from our industry. That it's never going to happen. So they go in and they say, yes, we agree in the redistribution of wealth, let's pass an income tax. So they pass an income tax and uh, oh, they don't need the tax money from the brewers and the distillers anymore. Then World War I comes along. And who's the enemy? The German Hun who makes beer in America. The Germans, sure. So suddenly, you know, they're saying the Anti Saloon League is saying that the biggest enemies are Blatz and Anheuser and Schlitz and Miller.

[Giovanni]

What do you think the Anti Saloon League meets? You know what I mean? Because you need a saloon to meet at. You need to have a pass, maybe an ihop.

[Ken Burns]

Well, there's also hypocrisy. The three chapters. It's three two hours. The first one's a nation of drunkards. By the time distilled spirits came, presidents were drinking for breakfast. John Adams had, you know, a cup of hard cider. Hard cider. This is not what you have with donuts. Hard cider for breakfast. The second episode is called A Nation of Scofflaws, from when they first put the law into effect and 1920, and everybody broke it. And the last one is A nation of hypocrites because Harding, who was an ardent dry, the President of the United States, had a whiskey cabinet every week. And they got their liquor from a bootlegger. These guys that were, you know, voting the laws about Prohibition were continuing to drink.

[Giovanni]

Well, it breaks my heart every time I see one of that black and white footage of guys taking a fireman's axe to a barrel of beer and. And it's going out into the gutter and I'm like, no, no.

[Ken Burns]

And washing down the sea. It's like, yeah, we got a lot of that.

[Giovanni]

Oh, it's heartbreaking to see those barrels of beer going to the sewer system. I can't believe that this thing ever got any traction, like in 1919 or 20 or when the moment began in.

[Ken Burns]

1820 and they started just building and building and building, really, and building and building. And the Women's Christian Temperance Union came along and they did lots of progressive education. Progressives liked it, radicals liked it, conservatives liked it. You know, the big industrials didn't want their workers to get drunk. The communists, the wobblies, the socialists, they thought that liquor was this plot by the capitalists to keep the workers enslaved. Booker T. Washington thought that black people would be able to advance if they didn't get drunk. I mean, everybody was sort of for it. And they wanted it to be an amendment because no amendment had ever been repealed. So it was sort of locked in. It was cemented in. But of course, it's unintended consequences. It created so much damage, it did so much bad stuff that it's the only amendment that's ever Been repealed.

[Giovanni]

Do. Do you believe now? What do you think about. I was going to say, you know, America's. But the world's reliance on alcohol and sort of being altered, you know what I mean?

[Ken Burns]

There's a guy who.

[Giovanni]

Why do we want to escape? What is such a passion?

[Ken Burns]

This universe is so chaotic and so random. And what we do is we invent religion and art and literature and love and conversation to superimpose some order on what's happened. And that's what we do over the chaos of what's going on. And we set a frame around it. If it's a painter or a photographer, we write about it. We try to control what seems to be the randomly uncontrollable events that happen. But shit does happen. And you know, after a while that.

[Giovanni]

Should be the name of your next.

[Ken Burns]

Doc, don't you think?

[Giovanni]

19 hours of shit happens one minute and you take Larry Johnson was fine and then trying to clean his gutters out and he fell off and he broke his neck and died.

[Ken Burns]

What can you say?

[Giovanni]

Shit happens. So you try to take a drink.

[Ken Burns]

To a drink helps you just is one of those things that we've invented to sort of separate us from the mercilessness of what goes on in the world. And some people find in faith, but you see how that metastasized faiths are responsible for more deaths in the last thousand years than any other force.

[Giovanni]

I like. Because you don't like religion or white people.

[Ken Burns]

And that's exactly what I mean. Well, you know, people say what I do, I live in New England, why don't you ski? And I said I don't like a sport in which African Americans don't excel.

[Giovanni]

I am only here because Jimmy Kimmel made an off colored remark about an African American skiing. Do you know that?

[Ken Burns]

No.

[Giovanni]

I owe my entire career to Jimmy Kimmel making fun of Bob McFerrin breaking his leg on a ski slope. He story must have been out of 94. Bobby McFerrin was skiing the don't worry, be happy guy and I'm sure you know about him. And he broke his leg on a ski slope. Jimmy, who was doing sports for. Ran with it, ran with it and said, what's a. What's a brother skiing for? The brother he worked with on the radio station. Michael, the maintenance man, ran in and got angry, took umbrage with that statement, challenged him to a boxing match. I was working as a boxing instructor at the time, heard it on the radio and decided to volunteer my services to train. One of the guys ended up with this for the match, ended up with Jimmy. And the rest, as they say, is history. But the only reason I'm here, really is because he made fun of a black guy skateboard.

[Ken Burns]

I get it. Well, see, I just think that you should be careful about making fun of it. Not because it might cause you to get into a fight, but because when African Americans do turn their attention to skiing, that's it.

[Giovanni]

Look out. It's silver and bronze. From that point on, if you're lucky. If you're lucky, that's the.

[Ken Burns]

I mean, we always put. We put African American. We put black history in February, which is our coldest and shortest month. As if it's. As if it's the politically correct addendum to our national narrative. When in fact, African American history is at the center, the burning center of American history. When Thomas Jefferson said all men are created equal and he doesn't deal with it, he set in motion an American narrative that's going to be not only bedeviled, but also ennobled by a question of race. The only art form that we've invented, jazz, is born in a community of people who have had the peculiar experience.

[Giovanni]

You say unfree. Our.

[Ken Burns]

You mean America, Americas, our art formas. But now people that are unfree in a free land. I mean, this has been our geniuses improvisation. And if you're a slave in America, you gotta improvise a hell of a lot more than anybody else. And so a great deal of our music, our culture, the dynamics, the soul of the country is built on the backs first of Africa, African American labor, and then of African American experience. And rather than putting it in February, it could be. We could consider it in a different light.

[Giovanni]

Well, what would you do then? If you were in charge and, you know, the black community is not thriving as well as you would probably, and I would probably like it. And I think there's a sort of a fundamental problem, which is when Bill Cosby says, you know, pull your pants up and speak English and get good grades. And you know what? You getting an A on an algebra test doesn't make you sell out to your race. People come down on Bill Cosby, or at least people in that community come down on Bill Cosby.

[Ken Burns]

But that presupposes that that community is the dominant African American community. And it is not. It's a fraction. I think it just goes back. Chris Rock understands it. He says, I'm a millionaire and you would not trade places with me for anything. And he's right.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Ken Burns]

Until that moment when we would go, oh, yeah, I'll be Chris Rock. I will be him. Until we. Then there's work to do. And I'm not sure you can legislate that work. I'm not sure you can say that. It's just as simple as pull your pants up. Of course, discipline and self discipline is about it. But we have African American examples. I mean, this is a race that's called lazy and shiftless. They work 14 hours a day as slaves, and when there was a full moon, they worked more. And we're suddenly. Our default position for all African Americans is somehow they're lazy and shiftless. This is the people that we were lazy and shiftless. And we wanted them to do all the work for us. Right? And now we're upset because of.

[Giovanni]

Well, we were smart, lazy and shiftless. I mean, to be fair to us. But like Chris Rock, I do think you, Ken Burns probably wouldn't want to trade places with him. But.

[Ken Burns]

No, I'm closer to that. You know, it's so interesting.

[Giovanni]

But most don't think most people would.

[Ken Burns]

No, no. And he's absolutely right. I'm closer to doing that. I mean, I. Because we've engaged so many African American themes in our films. Because if you scratch the surface of American history, I don't go looking for it. It's not politically correct pursuit of this stuff, but it's there. It's always there. And people say we're post racial. Yeah, right. You know, I mean, Franklin Roosevelt was given 10 years to clean up the depression and he didn't do it. And World War II was the greatest stimulus program. A year later, you know, blamed the black guy for everything. You know, Tarp, well, before it happened, before his watch, it's his problem. You know, all of these different things. I get responses from African Americans like somebody got it. Like, you understand the dynamic. We aren't just all the baggy pants guys. It's not all a rap song. It's not all this. And that's a legitimate manifestation of culture too. I'm not even denigrating any of that. I'm just saying that we will be able to live out the full meaning of our creed. As Dr. King himself said, when we figure out how to deal with it and where Chris Rock is finally wrong about switching places. About switching places. And he would be the first to say that is true. But no matter what I'm trying to.

[Giovanni]

Picture for wife was hot or not, I mean, I was going through my brain trying to figure out what aspects.

[Ken Burns]

Of his life you like?

[Giovanni]

Well, I mean, hanging out with Adam Sandler. That part would be cool.

[Ken Burns]

That would be very cool.

[Giovanni]

I think his wife's attractive.

[Ken Burns]

A black man in America still, you know, driving while black. You know, job, housing, all this sort of stuff.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, but see, for Rock, I figure that's all right. Like, he's not going to. He could. The commune, who runs the condo association in Manhattan is going to have him in, Right? He's Chris Rock. You don't know.

[Ken Burns]

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

[Giovanni]

But we're saying a Chris Rock, he.

[Ken Burns]

Lives in a neighborhood, he said, in New Jersey, suburb of New York City, where he's, like, one of two black guys in his neighborhood. And it's only because I'm a multimillionaire. Right.

[Giovanni]

And you are amongst nothing but white people in your neighborhood. Correct?

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, our hood is pretty. Pretty lily white, at least in New Hampshire. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

So, Donnie, how much time do we have? What time is it? One hour. Oh, one hour. All right. We gotta go back to the studio. Tipper. You have to. Oh, okay. Well, Ken, you know, I feel like, first off, I feel like you locked up in a dark edit bay 10 hours out of the day is like taking the Mona Lisa and putting it in someone's basement. I feel like there's so much more job. I know you're good at it, don't get me wrong. But I've interviewed you two times, I believe. And I'm always so impressed at how opinionated you are and how articulate you are and your wealth of knowledge. And you really should be on the View or something. I mean, full time. I mean, there's so many people on television whose education's a little suspect. Their sense of humor is a little suspect. Their knowledge pool's a little suspect. Have you been approached to do shows?

[Ken Burns]

I love my job. It's so great. And I love doing that and then coming out and sharing the film. And that evangelical dimension is as important as being locked in that edit editing room or being out shooting the national parks at 3am at the Rim of the Grand Canyon. All that stuff works, including this. And I love that part of it. But I don't think I'd be the same if that's all I did. I watch friends of mine who go out on the speaking circuit, and that's all they do. I sort of do enough to survive, but they just become their rap. And then that's what you're looking at at tv. It's not so much that they're not that smart or whatever, it's that they're just doing it all the time, and they need. And I get experience. I get exposed to real life stuff. I got three daughters and something on the way and a grandkid, you know, I mean, that's enough to give you real life experience. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Ken Burns]

Meaning a boy or a girl?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I got that. Yeah. Well, I'm tickled pink for your success. And you know, about the greatest compliment I think you could pay to almost anyone is when people think of a smart guy, they just throw out Einstein. You know, when they're making an example, they go, listen, I'm no idiot. I'm no Einstein. You know, they do that. I think Ken Burns, if someone is using, you know, a documentarian, filmmaker, documentary filmmaker, I think you're about the first name anyone can summons.

[Ken Burns]

Well, that's right.

[Giovanni]

And that's again, it's sort of. You're the first fool.

[Ken Burns]

Them again.

[Giovanni]

Frank Lloyd Wright of Document.

[Ken Burns]

That's a very nice thing to say, but I'm a nicer guy than Frank Lloyd Wright.

[Giovanni]

Oh, he was an a hole. Well, when you're good at what you.

[Ken Burns]

Cheat out on predators. Cheated on as well.

[Giovanni]

Really? I gotta rewatch your doc on you.

[Ken Burns]

Yeah, Lyn and I made that in 98.

[Giovanni]

It is, by the way, the 10th inning, and it premieres September 28th and 29th on PBS. We'll be watching.

[Ken Burns]

I can't wait for you to see it. I'm so excited by this thing.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I love sports and I, of course, will be watching it. And Ken, anytime you're in town or anytime we can get a phone or.

[Ken Burns]

Going, anytime, I love every conversation.

[Giovanni]

I love it.

[Ken Burns]

I love it.

[Giovanni]

Thanks. Ken Burns, everybody. Nice to see you. Good to see him.

[Corinne Steffens]

And now your Adam Carolla extra.

[Giovanni]

Well, there you go. Little Ken Burns for you. Or as I call him, Kenny Burns. Thank Kenny in advance, or I should thank him, actually in post for doing a blurb for me in my book. Gracious guy, really smart guy, interesting guy. That guy needs a talk show. Thought I'd share a story with you kids that has nothing to do with Ken Burns. But it was kind of funny. I was tweeting about it, but I can give you the extended dance version. I did a Funny or Die short with Larry Miller, our good friend Larry Miller, a couple days ago, actually, yesterday, shot over at Griffith park. And a couple things that were funny. At some point, me and Larry Miller were just standing alone in a big sea of asphalt. Just. There's a. It's Griffith Park. You go up a hill. You go up A driveway. You turn down a thing and it's just a big. It's a big driveway that holds 300 cars. And down the hill is a Ferris wheel. And we're in fire season. And that whole park caught on fire a couple years ago and they're really freaked out about it. So they have guys out on foot and they're out patrolling everywhere and they're walking around. And so me and Larry Miller are just standing there talking about the Funny or Die video. I'm standing leaning next to my car in a sea of asphalt, and a fire marshal comes up to us and he goes, what's going on? Like, nothing. You guys, Anyone here smoking? Any smokers here? I said, I don't. I don't know. I don't think so. There's 20 guys on the crew and a few actresses and a makeup chick and a hair chick and a fucking. A couple extras. I'm like, I didn't check everyone's breath before I came on to set. So now Larry, because Larry's old school, and I love this about Larry, he thinks the guy is asking for a cigarette where I know he's telling not to smoke, but it's the kind of thing where it's like, yeah, don't. No smoking. Where it's fire season. He's kind of doing a sort of preemptive dressing us down. And I was also. And then he walked away. And I'm sure he bugged somebody else, but I thought, you know who starts the fucking fires? Assholes. The homeless fucks that are up in the hills making the mulligan stew and cooking up the crack. They're the guys who start the fires in the hill. If I was smoking, I'm standing in a fucking sea of asphalt. And by the way, I wouldn't. When I was done with my cigarette, I wouldn't duct tape it to a five gallon drum of gas and throw it into. I would put it on the ground, I would rub it out with my foot, and I'd probably throw the fucking butt in the dirt. I'm not your problem. This is the part that fucking drives me nuts about society. It's. It's the same with the airport security. Tired of seeing grandma being fucking strip searched and patted down. She's not a terrorist. She's not part of the problem. If Larry Miller and I were smoking in the middle of the parking lot in the middle of a Tuesday, it wouldn't. We would. We wouldn't be the ones who started the fucking fire. We were standing 200 yards away from the side of the hill. And like I said, my car would have caught on fire before the fucking hill. There's nothing there. And I would have disposed of this cigarette. The guys who started those fires were fucking bums up in those fucking hills. Now, LA doesn't do anything about the homeless problem. That's a non issue. But me and Larry Miller smoking in a parking lot, that's a big issue. The other thing that was funny is then the director came up to me and he said, what do you got, an Audi? And I said, yeah. And he said, geez, Is that the V8? I said, yeah. He said, wow, that thing's got some grunt. I said, 340 horsepower. And then I said, you like cars? And he said, yeah, I like cars. And then I opened the trunk and inside it were two racing slicks mounted on a couple tires. Because I'm doing a vintage race this weekend. And I was bringing them over to the shop and I like, here's my racing slicks. I'm going vintage racing this weekend in Coronado. And I turned around and there was Ed Begley Jr. On his bicycle. And I was like, did you hear me talking about the V8 or the racing? Because I was just kidding, Mr. Begley Jr. It was the funniest thing in the world. Ed Begley Jr. Is the nicest guy in the world. He was in the video too. He chose to ride his bike to Griffith park, by the way. But it was just funny, the quick pucker factor. Talking about horsepower and vintage racing. By the way, you think These guys hate V8s. How about V8s going in a circle and going nowhere. An entire day either way. That's my little story. And your stitcher extra content.

[Corinne Steffens]

That was your Adam Carolla extra.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, there's Adam Corolla show 375 on location with Ken Burns. Coming up next, we have Adam Corolla, show 541. This one's featuring Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop up just some relationship calls. Classic ACS format from 2011. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Giovanni]

Hey, it's Adam Kralla from the Adam Karol Show. Bet Online is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting. Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen. With the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games in these events, in these combat sports a little more interesting with BET Online. Bet Online. The game starts here.

[Corinne Steffens]

And now. Hunter Gatherer. Adam Corolla.

[Giovanni]

That's Humper Gatherer. Thank you. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Good day. Ball. Brian. I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. Good day. Alison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Giovanni]

All right, Lovett's Theater tonight, everybody. Thursday night, Chris Titus gonna join us on stage. Always a good time up there. You guys feeling good? Hitting your stride up there.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time I see Chris Titus, I think Michael Bean or from Chicago, the singer Peter Zatera.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Pull up a picture of those guys. They're strikingly similar.

[Giovanni]

I don't want to make you jealous, but Michael Biehn sent me, like, an email and then a weird, panicked apology email after it.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't respond and you'll get, like, four more.

[Giovanni]

No, I responded immediately. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What did it say? I mean, what is there?

[Giovanni]

Well, he saw the hammer and he wrote this email that said, hey, man, saw the hammer, loved it, really enjoyed it. And then he said, you look great in it. It's time to get back to the gym and really start hitting it. Like it was. It was sort of complimentary mixed in with a. You know how he's got that energy all the time, you know, and it was more, you know, it was more like, wow, you look like I saw you 10 minutes ago. You look like shit, but you look great in this movie now. You look great. It's time to get back to the gym. But part of it was kind of boxing, whatever, and it was like, kind of like, I'm glad he liked the movie, and I'm glad he liked me with £15 less on me. And then he wrote back an email, like, right after that, saying, I didn't mean to come across as preachy. I wasn't saying that you didn't look good. I wasn't telling you what to do, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

And he was Diet coked up.

[Giovanni]

I think he'd been beaked up on too much Diet Coke. Yeah. So I just wrote him, wrote him back and said, you know, hey, that's cool. You're right. I look like shit, so I should kill my fat self. So. Right. So I just said, I'll give you a buzz and, you know, we'll work out or something.

[Adam Carolla]

That's awesome.

[Giovanni]

That's Gonna be awesome, isn't it? Yeah, it was nice. Enjoyed the movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you really think that smoothed it over?

[Giovanni]

I don't know. I don't know. I try not to. I hate that feeling of somebody thinking I'm pissed off at them or something like that. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Giovanni]

And I like, yeah, I'm surprised you're surprised.

[Allison Rosen]

I hate that feeling.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

No. Well, I don't know, I just feel like, don't people sort of misunderstand you all? Like, don't you run into that often?

[Giovanni]

I.

[Allison Rosen]

People? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

No, people. People think I don't care, right. And people think I don't acknowledge things, and people think I'm not a fan of theirs. But that's different than, oh my God, this person's pissed off. Like I said something. Oh my. They're gonna be pissed.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they're confusing your indifference with anger.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? People that don't know you that well.

[Giovanni]

Well, people that do. I've always said, you know, when you don't say anything, then it's sort of like just basically putting a mirror up in front of somebody and if they look into a mirror and they see an ugly person, then they'll go, oh, my God, Adam's not saying anything. He thinks I'm ugly. And if they don't feel that way, then not saying anything won't make them feel. I guess what I'm saying is.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but it turns out that everyone has a pool of insecurity that you're holding a mirror up to, however it manifests itself.

[Giovanni]

Brian's an ass wipe. He's a cesspool of out security. It's not insecure. He's outwardly secure.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe you could take your security down a notch.

[Giovanni]

Well, see, it is. No, if you're insecure and you hang around me and I just sort of pass you, go, hey. And grunt at you in the hall. And a year goes by with just me grunting hall. Then you'll be insecure and you'll go, oh my God, Adam hates me. Or oh my God, Adam doesn't like me. He doesn't come funny, or he blah, blah, blah. But if you're like bald Brian. Ball Brian. You never got that vibe off of me, did you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

I just walk in distracted and leave distracted, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Just like grunting.

[Giovanni]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Never took it personally.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly what you're saying now. Yeah, that's right.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, right. I didn't ask you. I didn't ask you about your life. But it wasn't because I didn't care, but it also because I didn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly.

[Giovanni]

I didn't care in a good way or bad way.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't take your not caring for not liking.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe I should have, but I didn't.

[Giovanni]

Right. So you're secure, right? Yeah. When I met bald Brian, he was just, you know, had 30 pounds on himself and he was making seven bucks an hour. And he was arguably the lowest guy on the totem pole where we worked. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, for sure.

[Giovanni]

And I didn't treat you any differently than anyone else, did I? No, it just. Everyone got the grunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

There wasn't like one less vowel in the grunt that Brian got.

[Adam Carolla]

I observed Adam being outwardly. I don't know if I called aggressive or you didn't like Anderson, for example, and I took that as like, oh, well, that's what it's like when he doesn't like someone.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That just grunts at me. I'm middle of the road.

[Giovanni]

Mm. You gotta work your way up to me grunting at you. Yeah, that's a good grunt. It's a happy grunt.

[Allison Rosen]

And I just always figured that you really like me, huh?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. I don't know. There's something wrong with me now. The thing that's wrong with me is I don't have any self esteem, so I don't understand why people care. I don't feel any different than anyone else in the building, so I don't know why people think about me. The thing you said, that's my problem.

[Adam Carolla]

About the radio show that confused me and everyone else, was when you were like, oh, I look at myself as one of the employees here just like anyone else. So why should my approval matter to the other employees? And you truly believe that. But it's strange when you are working for the Adam Corolla show, you know what I'm saying? It worked more for you on Loveline because you were an employee just sort of like the rest of us just weren't highly paid. On the Adam Carla show, you were the de facto boss.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I don't know what's. What's wrong with me, but I always just look at it and always have just looked at it as I have to come here, go to work, and then leave, and you guys have to come here and go to work and leave, and I get paid more and I'm higher up on the totem pole. Although you might not know it most, nine out of 10 days and I'm just going to do my job and you do your job and we'll just go home. I don't have a good boss instinct to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it is weird when all of a sudden you're in a position of authority and people are acting differently towards you and you don't really recognize it in yourself and you don't want to be there. I remember at one of the magazines I worked at when I was talking to some interns and I was like, are you interested in writing this? And they're like, I mean, if you want me to. It's. No, I'm saying to you, do you have time? I'm genuinely asking, are you there? Yeah.

[Giovanni]

And yeah, well, also if you come from where I come from, which is just like, who are you? You know, just wild, low sort of no self esteem, just kind of. My family's just fucked up that way. There's no head of the household, there's no bosses, there's no bragging, there's no any. It's always like, why should you, who are you? Why should you get any better treatment? My family went way out of their way to say to everyone any chance they could, what makes you think you should get anything more than anyone else gets? It's a real super sort of hippie, lefty kind of thing, right? And I mean, the first time I said to my grandmother, she said, when I used to work with Ricky Rackman, when I used to work with super talent Ricky Ragman, she said, how's it going over there? And I said, ah, it kind of sucks working with Ricky because he steps on all my jokes and he talks over me and he doesn't really listen very well. And she said, I bet he says the same about you. And I thought, fuck you, number one. Yeah. First time I said to her, I said, it's the first time I stopped like as an adult, like at that point I was like 33 and made money. And I was like, hold on. Hey, grandma, you think Ricky Rackman's grandmother says that about me when Ricky's complaining to her? But that's where I come from. I come from a whole group of people that been over backwards to make sure that you don't feel that special. Special. Now, if you live next door to them, they might make you feel special, but they work very hard and burn a lot of calories making sure that no one within the family unit feels special. They spend a lot, they burn a lot of calories doing that and they've always been that way. So being the boss doesn't feel like. Doesn't feel a good fit for me. On the other hand, I realize I'm the boss.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you give you a coffee mug that said number one boss? Would that do anything?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Something you could hold in your hand.

[Giovanni]

Now, see, like a guy like Trump was probably groomed for that. You know, going to the Wharton School, very classy school. Wharton School of Business. So for me, it doesn't quite feel right.

[Allison Rosen]

Slight tangent, the Trump thing that reminds me. Remember when we were talking about people that pronounce W words as H, like where, when? And I was trying, I was thinking, there's something real blowhardy that I can't remember. And then all of a sudden I remembered it. It's people who pronounce H as Y.

[Giovanni]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Like huge. Yeah, that is huge. And I remember sitting there with a friend of mine who is a radio person.

[Giovanni]

You mean woo. Yeah, sorry. You said who?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Whoo.

[Giovanni]

Yes. Thank you, thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

And she said huge. And I was thinking, I did not realize she was someone who said huge. So we stopped being friends.

[Giovanni]

Isn't one a classless Jersey Shore thing and the other blowhardy uptown thing? I think the huge is a sort of uneducated or just a New York kind of thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I think he says to him as.

[Giovanni]

An uneducated, more of a blowhardy thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I put it in the blowhard category. Well, I was wrong.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna lift. I'm gonna hoist my boss mug and tell you you're wrong. And it's time to be quiet before I start grunting at you again in New York.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I always used to Howard Stern talk about someone as human garbage, right? Why are they human garbage?

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Apparently that's a wipe. Same piece of shit on the radio.

[Giovanni]

All right, so Lovett's club tonight, Thursday night with Titus in there. IRVINE IMPROV Sunday, 5 o'clock with Fitzsimmons doing a little matinee show. That ought to be fun. Live stand up shows coming up in Phoenix on the 22nd of April. And the Varsity Theater, Minneapolis, 28th. Pabst Theater, Milwaukee, 29th. Uptown Theater, KC on the 30th. Jesus, that's a lot of work. And the will turn. The will turn out here in Los Angeles coming up here. And Jimmy Kimmel's gonna come out and we'll do a bit. I got an idea. I got an idea to do with Jimmy. So that should be fun. That's coming up on May 21st. Okay, how about you prep your news there, Alison? Rosen and I'll give a tip of the cap to one of our fine sponsors. You know what? Let's hear a little news, and then I'll do the sponsor thing.

[Corinne Steffens]

Live from the International News center, next to Donny's minibikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

In Louisiana, wildlife officials believe a bald eagle was shot and then beheaded. And they are offering a $2,000 reward for information about the crime. Officials believe the eagle was shot a couple days before it was found Sunday in a ditch in Franklin Parish. The bird's talons, wings, and tail feathers were intact. It's at least the fifth bald eagle killed this year. Now, here's what I thought was very interesting about this. That's obviously not the bald eagle because that one still has its head. But killing and beheading a bald eagle could bring a fine of up to $250,000.

[Giovanni]

I guarantee whoever did this does not have that much cash on them.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't think it's a rich man's crime?

[Giovanni]

You might have to go out to the Bentley to get it from the ashtray.

[Allison Rosen]

This is very much white collar crime, Adam. Insider trading, bird beheading. The bird squealed.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no color for this collar. This is a collarless crime, not blue or white.

[Giovanni]

This is the actual eagle pre beheading. It's got blue painters tape on its way.

[Allison Rosen]

It sat for a portrait.

[Giovanni]

I don't know. It looks like an angry Jewish man to me from here. A very old angry Jew whose screens these calls. It's the kind of look where you start going and if you're driving through Fairfax and you're looking up at the signal and you don't see the crosswalk and you start rolling forward and you get the guy in front of you, the scary, super skinny 80 year old Jewish guy. Yeah, that's the proverbial chewing. The headlights. I don't know why we have a picture. I don't know why it's got blue painter's tape on its. On its wing.

[Adam Carolla]

Looks to me on the very, very bottom of the painter's tape, there's some gauze peeking out.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, obviously, this. Maybe this eagle was in a gang or something, like a Mexican drug cartel or something.

[Allison Rosen]

And that's hence the beheading to send a message.

[Adam Carolla]

Los iglos.

[Giovanni]

That means the sparrows in Spanish for all you folks. Yeah, you know, I'm not going. Here's the thing. I. You know, to me, for the most part, an animal is an animal. Like, we get way too weird, you know, for A country that eats at a billion chickens a day and 2 million cows. And you know, I don't. It's weird because it's like when you see a one of these large like yellow fin or bluefin tunas out in the open sea, you go, wow, that's a big majestic beast. And then no one has a problem eating tuna. But a bald eagle is a big deal. But a crow's not a big deal. But you know what I mean.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, it is weird.

[Giovanni]

We have these rules. We're essentially cockroach, no big deal. Ladybug, you shouldn't kill. Most of it is just based on aesthetics.

[Allison Rosen]

Ladybugs really get a free pass.

[Giovanni]

Anything. Well, first off, it's got the word lady in it. But the other thing is it's really. It's almost pure aesthetics. Like we go, that is a good looking bird. That is an ugly bird. That is a good looking insect. That is an ugly insect. There's basically rats and then there's gerbils. And they're both just rodentia, I imagine, and you wouldn't want either one running around your house.

[Allison Rosen]

When I had mice in my apartment in New York, since I couldn't get rid of them, I tried to convince myself that if there were birds in here, I wouldn't be that upset about that. But it didn't work. And then I was like. Then I thought, I'll name them and then in the morning I'll be like, oh, look, it's Ethan, Rob or Chad.

[Giovanni]

Right, Right. Yeah, that's.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know why I gave them low, brother. It still didn't work. I was still very upset that they were there.

[Giovanni]

You know what? You gotta watch some Disney movies. Because mice are always awesome in Disney movies. They help out, they make dresses, right. You know, they sing.

[Adam Carolla]

Then there's secret nimble. Yeah, that badass movie. Badass rats.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, there's tough rats.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

If they would count off, like, I'm a mouse, I'm here. Just letting you know. It's the surprise factor.

[Giovanni]

It's the kitchen light factor. You don't turn on. The thing about is you go into the kitchen and you flip on the light and the roach or the mice or the whatever. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I wish they were contained to the kitchen. I was sitting one, like scurried right in front of my leg and across my foot one time.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. The point is this. I'm not pro beheading bald eagles. And I understand the difference between an endangered species and one that's not. Although I think bald Eagles are sort of on the mend. And I think they're out of whatever. I don't know if they're on the endangered species list. I believe they are anymore. I don't know if they're still on it. I think they may have gotten themselves off it, but either way, someone can check that out for us. And they're majestic and they swoop down, but it's really. It's sort of. Again, it's like everyone loves a koala bear because they're cute.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, they are.

[Giovanni]

And people aren't nuts about black bears because they just sift through dumpsters and they got the word black in them. So it's sad. But why should we really. I mean, it's really like going, now if something happened to George Clooney, that would be a tragedy. But if something happened to Louie De Palma. Wow, I just used the stage name Danny DeVito. Then that ain't no big deal because he's ugly. But that's not right. It's just a human being, as a human being. And the court doesn't go, oh, you killed George Clooney. You get a thousand years in prison. Oh, you killed Danny DeVito. Three weeks probation. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

But juries are biased.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they. Well, they are in the sense that if you kill a blonde heiress versus Harris.

[Allison Rosen]

Who'S inheriting a huge sum, a.

[Giovanni]

Huge yes, no versus a hooker versus a hooker, then, yeah, they do. We do sort of do that a little. I don't know how much of it.

[Allison Rosen]

We do not on the Clooney keto.

[Giovanni]

Level was removed from the US federal government's list of endangered species and transferred.

[Allison Rosen]

To the list of threatened species on July 12, 1995. I bet that costs.

[Giovanni]

They're under threat of beheading the threatened species. I bet that costs about 150 grand. Somehow just transferring them from one list.

[Allison Rosen]

To the next alone.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Probably had to get a good lawyer, so.

[Giovanni]

Well, sad.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Get this.

[Giovanni]

Still hate that Steve Miller son.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, God. Now it's in my head.

[Adam Carolla]

We all do.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Italian researchers are going to digest. Excuse me, iPad. Are going to dig up bones in a Florence convent to try to identify the remains of a Renaissance woman long believed to be the model for the Mona Lisa. How many times have you looked at her and thought, who? Who is that woman?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I love a buckethead with a nice a cup. That idea of beauty was a little bit different back then.

[Allison Rosen]

If successful, the research might help ascertain the identity of the woman depicted In Da Vinci's masterpiece, a mystery that has puzzled scholars and art lovers for centuries and generated countless theories. The project, launched Tuesday, aims to locate the remains of Lisa Giardini, the wife of a rich silk merchant named Francesco. Francesco del Giocondo.

[Giovanni]

I hope my son becomes a silk merchant. I'm training him and betting everything on it. By the way, college be damned.

[Allison Rosen]

Is he harvesting caterpillars?

[Giovanni]

You know what? I don't want to jinx it, but I'm hell bent on him becoming a silk merchant. You know why? There's no poor silk merchants like, how's he doing as a silk merchant? Fair to Midland, head above water. Yeah, he's got decent condo in the Sherman Oaks, Van Nuys area, But, you know, he's got. He drives a Solaris.

[Adam Carolla]

Market's tough these days, man.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, for silk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, for silk.

[Giovanni]

He's doing all right. Yeah, Seen better years.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta be honest. He could do more. Silk immersion tank. Yeah, in his free time. Yeah, Takes a lot of Fridays off. You know what I'm saying? With your own boss, you know, it's hard to crack the whip on your.

[Giovanni]

I tried to get him to expand into felt merchanting, but he didn't like the way that's looked on his business card.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, he had that one phase where he thought seersucker merchanting was the way to go. Yeah, not true.

[Giovanni]

I explained him. Like, what about being a duvetyne merchant? You know, that's always used in the business out here. But he had his heart set on silk.

[Adam Carolla]

I hear, Tammy. Son of a successful velvet merchant down the street.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, well, you know, Hefner used to be one of his best clients with the pajamas. But even that's slowing down a little bit lately.

[Adam Carolla]

It only lasts so long.

[Giovanni]

And I guess, you know, I'd say the height of his. The height of his reign is when that show Silk Stockings was on salad.

[Allison Rosen]

The orders coming in. One time I dated a guy that I thought was a suede merchant. Turns out it was new suede.

[Giovanni]

Really? Suede Merchant. Sounds like a bar you could get a smart cocktail at down at Silver Lake. Shall we meet at the Suede Merchant?

[Allison Rosen]

Which suede merchant? The one that's by the Intelligentsia Coffee House or the one that's by Urban Outfitters.

[Giovanni]

Not the one off of Formosa and Melrose, but the one in Silver Lake. Yeah, it's in between the Whole Foods and the Urban Outfitters. Oh, and. Oh, she's. What's the gay thrift store?

[Adam Carolla]

Out of the closet.

[Giovanni]

Out of the Closets. It's between.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't go there anymore because it.

[Adam Carolla]

Only got a B. I mean, I don't know.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's right. You don't have to eat. You don't have to eat at the Suede. Merge it. You go there for their mixed drinks.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

And for the Steve Winwood. Yeah, thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

So a lawyer wrote to me after hearing us talk about the Miley Cyrus sex Dahlia.

[Giovanni]

I wanted to know why she wasn't being paid.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it turns out that Miley is possibly going to bring a suit against pipe dream Manufacturers or whatever. Yeah, but this lawyer thinks that.

[Giovanni]

Very successful jizz merchants. Yes. This lawyer.

[Allison Rosen]

Hold on.

[Giovanni]

A Jew who knows a lawyer? What?

[Allison Rosen]

I am hugely offended. I don't actually know him.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

He just wrote to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you like to get to know him?

[Giovanni]

Mm. I bet your mom would like you to get to know him.

[Adam Carolla]

That's an ugly stereotype.

[Giovanni]

You're right. Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

She probably would, though, right?

[Giovanni]

Right. All right. The doctor. No, the lawyer wrote to you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. And said that he believes. Imagine if you pronounce twat like twat.

[Giovanni]

Twat.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't really work.

[Giovanni]

I. I haven't. I've told bald Bryan this before. I don't know if I've told you this. I got in a big argument with my fucking grandma, who, again, is a huge fan of Ricky Rackman and none of her own grandson and likes to just argue for the sake of argument. You guys would have really hit it off. Paul. Bryan.

[Adam Carolla]

I miss that. I never got to encounter her.

[Giovanni]

She got pissed off because I had said on Loveline clitoris, and she swore it was pronounced clitoris. No, I said clitoris, and she said it was pronounced clitoris. And then she said she did one of these grandma things where she went.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, typical grandma argument.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I know. And I said, well, listen, I think you can say clitoris or clitoris. And then she said she did this thing where she's like, emory Kennerick is a doctor, and he pronounces it so and so. And I said, Dr. Drew is a doctor, and he pronounces it doctor on doctor. The other way, sweet pants. And then we marched over to my dead grandfather's oversized dictionary, the giant with giant letters in it because he couldn't see when he was old and looked. Me and my grandma looked up clitoris. Yeah. Know what it said?

[Allison Rosen]

That you're both right.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

But everyone loses.

[Giovanni]

Everyone loses. Right? Pronounce it both ways.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Giovanni]

That's what it said.

[Allison Rosen]

So, speaking of Clitori.

[Giovanni]

Clitori.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's okay.

[Giovanni]

Yes, the attorney.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he said that he believes that if this were to go to court, pipe dream would win because it. Because there's enough of a difference, even though it's slight, between the image of the doll and the actual Miley and the name and all that.

[Giovanni]

I would like us to. Here's the whole thing. All laws are sort of put in place to achieve something. And we somehow. And maybe attorneys have helped this. Bureaucrats have helped as well. We have somehow gotten away from the spirit of the law and went to the letter of the law. And Ann, we've all agreed as a society that this is somehow an evolved step in the right direction.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just very hard to figure out where the line is with spirit of the law.

[Giovanni]

No, it's not. It's not okay. I disagree with that. And sometimes there is. And I'm only saying that because I don't want to be a dick, but I can't think of any instances where it is. But no, I'll give you an example. Many years ago, I was working construction, doing earthquake rehab on El Alvarado out in Dike shitty part of la, off of like Western and whatever. And parking was a bitch. There was no parking in these old apartment buildings we were rehabbing. And you have to park out on the street. And for instance, Tuesday was street cleaner day. And it was no street, you know, no parking between 10am and noon on a Tuesday for the street cleaner. And I was out my truck. Everyone had scrambled out. Oh, you know, the call would go out, it's 9:55. Everyone get in their trucks and go move to the other side of the street or park somewhere else or whatever it was. And I went out, whatever. I was looking for a parking space. And I could see the wet. The wet tracks of the street sweeper had gone by. They were just wet street sweeper tracks. And I looked at my watch and it was, you know, 1141 or something. And I started to pull into the spot and the meter made came by and the meter maid said, I'm writing you a ticket. And I said, what for? No parking between 10 and noon. And I said, for street sweeper. And you can see the tracks are still wet. And clearly it had already made a pass. And it doesn't take two hours. It doesn't go in a lap, in a circle. It just comes sometime between 10 and noon. And thus if the street sweeper goes by at 10:15, then everyone should be able to park at 10:17 and we should get on with our fucking lives. But they will issue you tickets, no problemo. And we live in a society where we're okay with that. We're like, everyone just kind of goes, well, the rules are rules between your way.

[Allison Rosen]

Then we'd have way too much free time.

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm saying. And so I said to the person, no parking between 10 and noon for street sweeping. And the street sweeper went by and they just sort of proceeded to write. They basically said, you move or I write the ticket. And I just said, okay, this is harassment and I want your supervisor's name because I want to call this guy and tell him what horrible job you're doing and how. Look, it's one thing to go out and enforce something for a reason. Now this is just bordering on harassment. And just like yesterday when I was screaming about trying to get a drink at 8:58 and a half instead of nine straight up or whatever, we've removed this from our society and everyone just hides behind it.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's bullshit thinking from the drones who are enforcing it.

[Giovanni]

Yes, and I would like to give the drones a little juice and go, you know what? Use your own fucking bad judgment. And I don't like the fucking letter of the law. And I went to spirit of law. Now here's the deal. The spirit of law is I cannot profit off your likeness. So if I'm calling it Miley, but I'm spelling it differently and I'm calling it Sirius instead of Cyrus and it's a doll that's supposed to look just. And she has an achy breaky cunt, then I'm ripping off Miley Cyrus.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I guess the question would just be, let's say it was Mandy Cirrus, you know what I mean? Like where that's the question is, and I'm not trying to disagree with you, where do you draw the line?

[Giovanni]

It's pretty easy. You take 12 sane people, you show them this and you go, what do you, what? What do you think? And they go, I don't know what that is. Or they go, oh, that's clearly, that's supposed to be Miley Cyrus. And if they say that's supposed to be Miley Cyrus, then you're screwed. And you don't get to hide behind the fact that you spelled it.

[Allison Rosen]

What if it was a jury of 12 year old Miley Cyrus fans?

[Adam Carolla]

Even more so. This elaborate tap dancing around the law should not be celebrated.

[Giovanni]

No, it shouldn't be celebrated. It's what everyone hates about the tax code. It's what everyone hates about everything. Somebody says, look, we need businesses to, to pay X amount. And they go, well, we're moving. We're going to start an office offshore. We don't have to pay anything. And then we'll filter back into blah blah, blah blah. It's the undoing of society. Look, there'll always be a way to get around whatever rule is put in place. Here's the deal. We have a society. You're not supposed to profit from celebrities without their consent and without cutting them in on the profit. You're not supposed to not pay your taxes. You're supposed to not park here for the street sweeper. But not, not in this random time period because it's evil to park before noon. It's just for the street sweeper. No Boozing at the St. Louis airport before 9am because we don't want people wearing lampshades at 5:30 in the morning and stumbling through the Cinnabon. But at 8:50, 8 and a half, I think it's safe to pour me a Bud Light. This is the way. This is what we used to have. Cops used to be able to do this. Everybody behind the counter, everyone with a name tag. Everyone in a position of power used to be able to go. We got this policy that once you leave the theater you can't come back in. But I can see your car from here. Go get your wife or sweater.

[Allison Rosen]

I can tell you're over 21 by a few years, so I'm not gonna make you show your id.

[Giovanni]

We used to have something. Lawyers have fucking sued it out of our system. And our society, by the way, thinks it's a fucking capital idea that we all just live like assholes. Sorry, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Glenn Beck is no longer going to be with Fox News.

[Giovanni]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

They're sort of weaning his show off the station.

[Giovanni]

How's that work? I thought he was popular.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I guess They've been having problems with some sponsors and he's just a little too controversial.

[Giovanni]

Fox has been having problems with sponsors for him. If you're going to advertise. I thought all the commercials were like own gold. Gold is the only asset that's not been devalued over the recession. What do you care? Fear. If you're. I mean, they sell like there's other.

[Allison Rosen]

Commercials for other stuff on Fox. I mean that's in the middle of the night. There's gold and hearing aids and.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, there is.

[Allison Rosen]

And stuff about people who have to. If you have to calf you can get free catheters.

[Giovanni]

Free catheters. And do you have mesothemia or whatever the hell?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a non attorney spokesperson is telling you that.

[Allison Rosen]

I wasn't correcting you. I was getting excited.

[Giovanni]

No, I know that word.

[Adam Carolla]

100 bad drugs.

[Giovanni]

What's Glenn. I've seen Glenn Beck and I've seen him pace around and I've seen him get his dry erase board out. I've seen him do his diagrams where Lincoln's over here and Churchill's over here and this is what they wanted. But I haven't really heard him say things that were that insane. Just sort of weird.

[Allison Rosen]

He said that Obama was racist. I think that's the thing that people point to. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

What was he saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know the context. I just know that said it.

[Adam Carolla]

He's more vaudevillian. You know what I mean? Like sort of the whole histrionics waving the arms and the.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. He's like kind of. He's sort of chubby and sort of a non threatening looking and then morning.

[Adam Carolla]

Drive house like a full on like.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. And he like cries and sort of stuff. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

He's pretty out there. Like, I know that you're. It sounds like you're kind of seeing him as a lovable sweaty teddy bear, but he's. There's. There's some vitriolic stuff that comes out of his mouth.

[Giovanni]

But anyway. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

His own. He's launching his own like network. Oh yes. Channel basically. And he'll have a bunch of shows. So don't worry. There won't be a shortage of back. There'll just be less back on Fox.

[Giovanni]

Mm. All right. Okay. I don't find him that threatening. But then again, I'm one of these people. Like I'm not. I'm not easily offended. Plus I agree with half that shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, we have a clip. I don't know what it is, but we have it.

[Giovanni]

Hopefully he's going to call Obama a racist.

[Allison Rosen]

I think probably the President, I think.

[Giovanni]

Has exposed himself as a guy over and over and over again who has a deep seated hatred for white people or the white culture. I don't know what it is.

[Corinne Steffens]

You can't say he doesn't like white people.

[Giovanni]

David Axelrod's white.

[Ken Burns]

Rahm Emanuel's chief of staff are white.

[Adam Carolla]

I think 70% of the people that.

[Giovanni]

We see every day are white. Robert Gibbs is white. I'm not, I'm not saying that he doesn't like white people. I'm saying he has a problem. He has a. This guy is, I believe, a racist. All right, well, maybe should be taken off. I missed that episode. I just missed the one where he's doing his town hall stuff and talking about Abe Lincoln. Okay, Right. Pull him. Next.

[Allison Rosen]

Bacon cologne.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you hear about this?

[Giovanni]

Now we're talking.

[Allison Rosen]

You can now purchase cologne called Bacon Cologne and smell like the most popular meat product right now, however awesome, when.

[Giovanni]

You get attacked by bear. You know, like, I'm gonna put on this bacon cologne and go camping.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's not. It doesn't really smell like sizzling bacon in a pan. Unfortunately. The bacon note is tucked in there underneath. Like. Okay, there's Bacon Gold or Bacon Classic and Bacon Gold. This artisanal gold formula is leavenly crafted with a pure essential oil blend of mandarin, bergamot, grapefruit, lemon, nutmeg, pimento berry, black pepper and a touch of sweet, A smidgen of savory and one pinch of bacon salty goodness.

[Giovanni]

Aren't you just going to track fat chicks? You know what I mean? Is that what you're looking for?

[Allison Rosen]

Fat chicks who love pimento berry?

[Giovanni]

I want a cologne that smells like throw up, you know what I mean? So I can get a waif model. You like that?

[Allison Rosen]

That's funny.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's called yak. It's a finger. It's one finger. Comes from one waify finger. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, it comes with it. Why is that? Why not use your f finger to. To throw up with? You know what I mean? Why is this your throw up finger?

[Adam Carolla]

I think they know what they're doing, Adam.

[Giovanni]

You're right. If it ain't broke. But I just mean.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause you can get this one further down your. You can get your index finger further down your throat. If you use your middle finger, you're gonna get.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you stuck.

[Giovanni]

That was a trick question to find out if you ever had an eating disorder.

[Allison Rosen]

Sweetie, I. I tried, believe me. It's.

[Ken Burns]

I.

[Allison Rosen]

The only time I can make myself throw up is if I'm really drunk.

[Giovanni]

Okay, well, all right.

[Allison Rosen]

And I've done that a number of times.

[Adam Carolla]

I think you have the answer.

[Giovanni]

But I mean, years ago and the guy's uncut.

[Allison Rosen]

So. Anyway, speaking of your own. They got a story?

[Giovanni]

Do you got a story?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

My. For a long time I have wanted to come out with a cologne called Connection xxx. And it would be in a bottle that's shaped like a cell phone. No one. No one thinks this is a good idea.

[Giovanni]

But me, I don't think it's a horrible idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you. I'll take that.

[Giovanni]

That's the way the Corollas work. That's as much of a compliment as we give.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel honored because usually people are like, you're not serious, are you? And I'm like, a tiny bit.

[Giovanni]

That's kind of cool.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you. It was cool back in the day when I initially had it, when cell phones weren't, you know, they were not like your iPhone fragrance.

[Adam Carolla]

The bottle he had in mind as big as Zach Morris cell phone.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

It has a chord.

[Giovanni]

Not everyone is familiar with the cast of Saved by the Bell.

[Allison Rosen]

I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Slater and Lisa turtle.

[Allison Rosen]

Good morning, Ms. Bliss. That was a show on Disney Channel. Samuel Haley Mills before it turned into Saved by the Bell.

[Adam Carolla]

Spano.

[Giovanni]

All right, so that's the whole cast. Oh, then there's the teacher.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, Mr. Belding. Rathesen characters name.

[Giovanni]

Oh, boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Kelly Capacity.

[Giovanni]

That is so goddamn sad. Hey, let me give a tip of the cap to Amazon and not only Amazon, but our fine, fine, dedicated listeners. People have been hitting me up since we started this where somebody bought 1700 bucks worth of furniture and they bought it off Amazon, but they clicked through AdamCarolla.com and again, this is one of those things where, look, I don't want to ask anyone for money and I feel bad and all that kind of shit, and I have mixed feelings about selling a t shirt for 25 bucks. But this is fucking free, people. You just go to Adam Crowell.com and you click on Amazon. If you're going to buy something on Amazon, take an extra 25 seconds and click through on Amazon. Anyone see it up there?

[Allison Rosen]

I do. Oh, there it is right there.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. And you click through us and you buy your crap from Amazon. You can get anything you want from Amazon. Doesn't take any more time or cost any more money. And we get a little vig back from Amazon. It is good at times.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that today.

[Giovanni]

What'd you get?

[Adam Carolla]

I got coffee.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I buy coffee through Amazon every couple. Every month or so. I got my coffee and essentially paid myself.

[Giovanni]

Good times. Amazon.com Convenient. Great deals. You support the show and you hit it through our link. Unbeatable convenience, amazing prices, great shipping rates. And Amazon.com just do it from safety, convenience, your own home and wet or be. Keep the lights on. All right, Allison, you want to take a break? Want to do one last story? How do you feel?

[Allison Rosen]

Let's take a break and then come back for more news later. There's time.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, there's going to be.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Corinne Steffens]

There's more news with Allison Rosen coming up.

[Giovanni]

All right. We said we're going to take some relationship calls. We shall do that. I think we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back with your relationship calls after this.

[Corinne Steffens]

Don't miss the Adam Carolla show live tonight at the Jon Lovitz Comedy club at Universal CityWalk with guest Christopher Titus. And this week in Rage, or if you're fortunate enough not to live in the Los Angeles area, we will be streaming this show live on USTREAM TV acebroadcasting. Sometimes it's better to watch from a distance. Plus, there's a bonus live show in Orange County, Sunday, 5pm at the Irvine Improv with guest Greg Fitzsimmons. Details and [e-mail].

[Giovanni]

Yeah, we's back, everybody. Oh, what is this? Oh, go to my PC. They got a new app, new app for the iPad. One of the best business apps is finally here. Go to my PC for the iPad. So now how's that work? Well, go to my PC brought to you by Citrix, lets you remotely access everything from your work computer, from any PC or Mac and now your iPad. So you can be at the park, you can be sitting at home on your sofa and get to your work 1. You can be wherever, airport, wherever your iPad is working. You can get to your work computer or your home computer, which they don't hit that hard. But I think getting, getting at your home computer is pretty cool when you're away, especially if you travel as much as I do. You want to try it for free and by the way, set up in just minutes. No IT department needed special 45 day free trial. Download the free GoToMyPC iPad app from the App Store and then visit GoToMyPC.com click on the Try it free button and enter the promo code. Adam, Good people, good work, good sponsor, good product, good app. Go to my PC. All right, before we play this, Mike lynch just told me during the break that he had something I think you guys will enjoy. I don't have too many of those. Jesus Christ. It's come to this moments in my life. But occasionally I do. And I have the situation where I have two former partners. One is, you know, on his eighth, his eighth year of a successful late night network television show and the other is adding his fifth show to CNN or whatever it is. And I'm coming off of essentially three failed pilots. But it's actually worse than three failed pilots because the one pilot, Top Gear that was not picked up by NBC, by the way, the person that picked up Knight Rider in 2009. Shouldn't we fire his fucking ass? Just like the ass wipe that decided to go ahead and greenlight Land of the Lost. Shouldn't these two assholes just be set adrift on the same leaky fucking raft until Japanese whaling vessel fucking just crushes them?

[Allison Rosen]

But okay, anyway, at least you're not angry.

[Giovanni]

No, not bitter. But the point is, failed pilot, failed pilot, failed pilot. They were all good, and everything that came on after them failed miserably and came on instead of them failed miserably as well. So no one knows what the fuck they're doing. But failure, failure, failure. And then worse than failure, the Top Gear pilot does get picked up, but I can't do it because I'm too busy working on another failed pilot somewhere else. So then everyone, not only do I have the failed pilots, but I have people coming up to me all the time. Why aren't you doing the Top Gear? Why aren't you doing the us? As if I, you know, then I have to get into. I was hard at work failing on another pilot. While this is now. Then this gets picked up for a second season on the History Channel or whatever it's on.

[Allison Rosen]

Is this on Twitter that they ask you, or do they actually come up to me?

[Giovanni]

And at a certain point, I just sort of cruise through my career. But it starts to add up eventually. You can only do so many failed pilots, and Dr. Drew can only get so many TV shows before it starts to add up. And I found myself at Mansfield University in the middle of Pennsylvania on a snowy Wednesday night in front of an auditorium that held 900 people, with about 300 people scattered about it. Half students, half townies, free ticket, just sort of. Just getting in out of the cold, just sort of their old rickety place. And I was standing backstage. I left LAX on my 625 flight. I flew into Philadelphia. Then I took a prop plane to whatever airport that's closest to Mansfield. Then I drove two hours to Mansfield. Then I unpacked my shit at a Comfort Inn with no second story with a bunch of guys who worked on the gas fields or whatever, but husky guys who drove pickup trucks. Then me and August drove our rented Ford, whatever, over to the sort of unremarkable college to the un overwhelmed audience that was just sort of sitting out there for free. And I was standing backstage while it was snowing outside. I was completely sleep deprived. And the guy who brought me out on stage was handed a piece of paper by the super sharp Mike August that was a full page of material. And I've been brought out enough to know that you hit a couple highlights and then you bring out the guy, you're going to lose them pretty fast. And so I saw the guy backstage and there's always the same guy. He's the administrator, the manager. He's not a thespian, he's not a comedian. He's the guy who works the brings in the act. Oh, by the way, while we're standing backstage, me and Mike Oggs are standing there in front of the, you know, sparse buffet and it's all getting kind of sad and it's snowing and I'm hungover and I'm standing there and there's a three hour time difference and all that kind of shit. I'm going back to the Comfort Inn in Mansfield and then Mike and I are going to drive to Pittsburgh the following morning. And I'm just sort of standing there going, jesus, what happened to my career? And then I said to the guy. So Mike August said to the guy, who'd you guys who played here last? You're sort of hoping for a comedian you've heard of or something. Buffalo Game ends Chorus. Awesome. Who probably drew better than I did. And I just started standing backstage and they're going, oh, geez, what does this come to? And then the guy walked out on stage. And again I said to the guy, hey man, I saw him with a handful, like full page. And I said, I just tapped him on the shoulder and I said, you don't have to say all that. Just hit a couple of the big beats, you know, man show, Dance with the stars, love line, and, you know, probably just bring me out, get this over with, in other words. And he's like, yeah, okay. And then he walks out on stage and proceeds. And thank God, Mike taped it. Mike August taped it. Mike lynch taped it. But Mike lynch wasn't there. But anyway, proceeds to deliver this inspiring. We'll begin. Star of MTV's Loveline and comedy Centro's the Man Show, Adam Carolla has gone into digital media in a big way with his latest project, the Adam Carolla Show Dynamic. Debuting In March of 2009, the Adam Carolla show is the Internet's most downloaded daily podcast and remains number one on iTunes with over 200,000 daily listeners. I'm standing backstage chugging a coffee, trying to wake myself up, not content with just producing In a new media space, he's standing in the middle of state. Also establish in the publishing world with the with the debut last November of his New York Believe me, doesn't sound like 50 years we'll all be chicks. The book top seller for 10 weeks on the book charts while rocketing to number one on the iTunes audio version. And as a result, Adam Carolla has been commissioned to do what a second book scheduled for release in the spring of 2012. I told him, just the beast. Just do the Beast. And writing isn't enough to keep him occupied. A live stage show playing to sold out audiences all around the country. Except for you guys. The show, parts of which you will experience tonight, features Adam performing his trademark comic such as what can't Adam complain about? And why I hate la. Did not do presentation featuring pictures and video. No videos, no pictures. I'm doing it alone. And his journey from being not on the menu from the San Fernando Valley to one of the Hollywood's very funniest celebrities. Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Adam Carollo.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, but we thought it was the guy from Loveline. Yeah, who's this guy?

[Giovanni]

Now here's the thing. And I feel like maybe we were talking earlier about being the boss. Like I should grab people and go, listen, dickhead, don't say half of what's on this fucking page or I'll punch you in the face when you get. But I always. I feel like I've spent my life just saying to people, like, there's a cage. There's a sleeping Kodiak bear in it. And I spend my life just telling people, I probably wouldn't go in there if I were you, but I'm just saying. And they go, yeah, all right. And then I go home. And then later on I go, what happened to Roy? And they go, oh, he's mauled by bear. And I go, what happened? Oh, he went into the cage. And I just feel like I know I don't try to yell at anyone or go cross that off or do do this or don't do that. Everything is sort of. Everything is sort of couched in a. For what it's worth, probably don't have to read that whole page. It's gonna feel a little bit long. So just hit the beats and bring me out. We'll be good. Okay, I'll read every page. Now then, Mike August is making fun of the guy the whole time. Mike, we're driving back to the. It's snowing now like crazy. We're driving back to the quality in. And Mike August, like fucking guy, right? Mike. Why did you hand him that? You're the gas wipe who handed him the fucking page. All he did was do your bidding by reading. Exactly. Verbatim. Next time, by the way, next time we're not doing a presentation or showing shorts or something, feel free to just omit that from the page you hand the guy to tell him to read to bring me out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, this one kind of rests on August.

[Giovanni]

It's kind of Augusty right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

The fuck you hand him. How about you give him a beachy Just handed a man, you know. You know, for the mansion of Loveline of dancing stars, ladies and gentlemen, Adam Crawl.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Someone transcribed that.

[Giovanni]

That's what Mike did while we were driving back to Pittsburgh.

[Allison Rosen]

He wrote a better one.

[Adam Carolla]

That was like a proper bio, though. Do you have a beach?

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds like something.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that something Alex came up?

[Giovanni]

I don't fucking know. I just. The idea that Mike. Mike pissed me off. He did two things. A, he handed the guy the fucking piece of paper. Then when the guy read the piece of paper verbatim, he's like, what's that guy doing? He's fucking doing what you told him to do. And then he ordered the fucking meat lovers pizza.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Giovanni]

I walked off stage to a meat lovers pizza. And here's the thing. If you know the meat lovers pizza that you're dealing with, fine. If you go to a cool restaurant or at some upscale whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, fine. But you don't go to fucking Mansfield, Pennsylvania in the middle of the week, in the middle of the night and order the meat lovers pizza. Because, yeah, you can only fuck that up. Oh, yeah, there's a live raccoon. Duct tape to the top of it. Yeah, that's how they do it over there.

[Adam Carolla]

So you get. For loving meat, I'm saying just get.

[Giovanni]

A fucking cheese and onion or mushroom or something and there's something it's not. You don't have to fuck up. But seven dollar pizzas with eighty pounds worth of meat? What? Either the quality of that fucking meat is on there. How much MSG is stuffed into that fucking sausage, you know? Do you guys. Do you feel me on this one?

[Allison Rosen]

I do feel you. Although I have to admit, I might not like if it was sushi or something or even steak or anything like that, but pizza, I'm not sure that it would dawn on me that maybe this is really terrible quality meat.

[Giovanni]

When did I ever make the proclamation of Mike that I was a meat lover?

[Allison Rosen]

I Think. Is he a meat lover?

[Giovanni]

Evidently he's a lover of the meat. But he only ate one fucking piece too. It's just. It's too much. It's like the pepperoni on top of the sausage on top of the fucking veal.

[Allison Rosen]

Or was this some.

[Giovanni]

It's just some joint. I mean, you know, Western Pennsylvania, not known, you know, not what you call pizza country.

[Allison Rosen]

And it got close to Amish town.

[Giovanni]

Again, I've said it a million times. I don't. I had no idea where I was. Get thin crust, get the cheese. And the less there is to fuck up, the better. Don't get the fuck. Don't get. Don't get fancy.

[Allison Rosen]

He should know how you feel about pizza.

[Giovanni]

The fucking meat. I walk off the miserable stage of fucking meatloaf salty, and you can't even.

[Allison Rosen]

Really peel it off because it's going to leave.

[Giovanni]

It's just one big congealed pile of fat. By the time I got off stage, I was like, thanks a lot, Mike. It's such a cheap fucking orange pepperoni all over the top of my pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

Had he gotten to it before you?

[Giovanni]

Oh, fuck, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I was gonna say how much that pizza was left.

[Giovanni]

Well, he had like two or three pieces before. Well, I made sure and gave it away to the college kids. But the. I'm just saying a meat lover's pizza is a little exotic when you don't know what the pizza choice is. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Cheese.

[Giovanni]

No one's gonna scream at you for just coming back to the thin crust cheese pizza.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, I'm just wondering what. So what all's on there? Sausage, pepperoni.

[Adam Carolla]

What other meat look like an Indian bacon?

[Giovanni]

It is covered, I bet.

[Allison Rosen]

Ground beef.

[Giovanni]

The point is it's wall to. It's wall to wall meat, which thus makes it wall to wall grease when you put it in the oven. And again, I'm sure it's the cheapest meat found.

[Allison Rosen]

Salmonella special.

[Giovanni]

Yes. Just saying. Just fucking everyone. Get some mushroom or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Menudos.

[Giovanni]

Garlic or something. Yeah. Anyway, that was my night in Mansfield. That's my dynamic stage presentation. Or that's what brought me on. I basically kept it going right after that, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Lifestyles that are rich and famous.

[Giovanni]

Now. Mansfield seems nice and I got nothing against the college and the check cleared and all that good stuff, but I was saying there was a point, and I don't have these points very often, where I was sort of standing on stage going, what the fuck happened? What happened?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

All right. Shall we take some phone calls?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

After that inspired intro.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, we will, my fucking meat lovers. Pizza waiting for me. Hey, Connecticut. Yeah. Hey, what's going on? Oh, it's just in Pennsylvania. Yeah. And Allison, you are awesome. And bald. Brian. Nobody does it better.

[Allison Rosen]

How many of you are there?

[Giovanni]

Just me. Yeah, we got a weird phone line. Keep talking. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Anyway, my question. Been with the same girl for a long time, since 95. And had a baby a few years ago and put on a little weight. So what do I say? What do I do? How overweight is she? 30 pounds. And she went from a nine. Eight. Nine to about a five. Oh, in the. In the looks department. Yeah. Yeah. Keep play. That close to the vest. I used to do this thing on Loveline, like when people call in and go, my girlfriend smells down there. What do I do? And I'd go, approach it from a health standpoint. Or you go like, hey, you could have an infection or something like that. And then it comes from a place of caring more than a place of, I'm going to yak. So that helps, you know, so the weight thing, you can kind of spin. I mean, we don't do it enough. It's always just taken as a criticism, and that's probably how he means it. It's an aesthetic thing, but it's really taken, and it will be taken that way. But there is a health side of this, and I would try to approach it, you know, and it's also this thing, too, where I do think you owe it to your partner, not to whatever, let yourself go, whatever that means. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

The truth also is that I can guarantee you she would be happier if she could lose the weight, too. It's just going to create a ripple, no matter what.

[Giovanni]

There's usually some depression. So here's the question. Do you try to do it in a way where you go. You know, where she goes, hey, Mike August calls. He got a meat lover's pizza, and he wants us to swing by the condo. And you go, you know what? Let's go out and get a salad tonight. And why don't we take that. Why don't we take the mountain bikes there instead of the car? Like, do you do it that way? Do you try to start infusing activities and eating, you know, and not shop? You know, when you're shopping going, eh, we don't need those cookies.

[Allison Rosen]

I love honey carrots.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, because that's obvious.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Here's what I would do. I think I would just turn it into a Dual thing. Like, I would go, look, here's the deal. I'd like a little more energy. I'd like to feel a little bit better. I'd like to live a little longer. You like to drop a couple those asses in one of those chins and no, I want to start getting in shape, I want to start getting healthy. So let's start shopping. Like when we shop. Let's not get the bullshit. And if you could exercise, if we could do it together and blah, blah, blah, I think you just turn it into a team sport.

[Allison Rosen]

Ct, what's your physique?

[Giovanni]

Do you want to pot him up? All right, robot, go ahead. Semi athletic. Semi athletic. Do you work out a lot or is it just how you are three times a week? Last few years. I also, I mean, I see. I don't think it's a fucking attack to say to somebody, hey, you're beautiful and you put on a bunch of weight and it's taken you away from what was when I met you. Like, you would be happier, I would be happier. I think everyone would be happier. Can we work on this? Like, you know, maybe it doesn't feel good to hear it, but it's not an attack. It's because I love you.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, does Connecticut. Does your wife talk about wanting to lose weight? Has she tried?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's been ongoing. I mean, it was never a problem. And it got kind of out of control fast. Yeah. Here's what I would say. I would say the diet sodas and the shakes and the gimmicks and all that. It's just that we've turned this thing, we've turned the simplest thing in the world into the most complicated thing in the world. And there's no way there should be 200,000 diet books and there should be no late night commercials or infomercials or anything. We have taken basically something that is as simple as, you know, hey, man, don't have that second fudge brownie. And, you know, instead of taking the elevator, walk up the stairs and turned it into a billion dollar a year industry filled with gurus and experts. It's fucking nonsense. It's real simple. Just back off on the bullshit and ride the bike to work tw a week and the pounds will start falling off. And everyone knows it. And I think when you start getting gimmicky about it and you start getting all these substitute like, hey, this is fudge, but it has only half the calories of real fudge. Yes, that fudge. When you do that, you're Just fucking tricking your body, and you're asking for more trouble. Just knock it off. You can do it.

[Adam Carolla]

I love your strategy of taking it from a health perspective. How about this for a strategy, for a game plan? Plan. Probably about time for the yearly checkup. It's probably been a year or so. Make the appointment with the family doctor, but call the doctor ahead of time. Say, hey, Doc, I want to. I want to get healthy. We want to lose weight together. I want to impart to my wife subtly that we got to lose some weight.

[Allison Rosen]

So could you oink when she walks?

[Adam Carolla]

No, actually, not a bad idea.

[Giovanni]

Put your foot on the back of the scale when she steps on it. 318 pounds.

[Adam Carolla]

So when it comes time to have that conversation, towards the end of the appointment, he's like, well, you guys really need to. Lewis and. Well, Doc, tell me how we can do that. Well, we should be heading the gym.

[Giovanni]

And you can explain, but you're not talking to Dr. Huxtable, by the way. Here's how this is going to work. You call up. You ready?

[Adam Carolla]

Ring, ring.

[Giovanni]

Hello?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Doc.

[Giovanni]

Hello. Who is this?

[Adam Carolla]

Dr. Nasir.

[Giovanni]

There it is. Yes, this is Dr. Nasir. Yes, HMO.

[Allison Rosen]

How can I help? How can I direct your call?

[Giovanni]

Who's on the other line?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Mr. Franco.

[Giovanni]

Over here.

[Adam Carolla]

Franco. My wife. You delivered?

[Giovanni]

Yes, I do. I have to check my record.

[Adam Carolla]

We delivered our children, all seven of them.

[Allison Rosen]

Did they outsource $7?

[Adam Carolla]

You already delivered the $7 in seven years.

[Giovanni]

Okay, what is your question?

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty sure you remember.

[Giovanni]

Okay, what this question, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Anywho, the wife needs to drop a couple lbs.

[Giovanni]

I am 111lbs. I'm six foot two.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a little more than that.

[Giovanni]

The hit.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why that nonsense important.

[Giovanni]

But put more money into the phone, please.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on my cell phone, okay? Not prepaid.

[Giovanni]

You come in and pay the money, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello?

[Giovanni]

Hello? Hello, Hello. Yeah, that's. There's no more. I'm gonna call my doctor. And, yes, Allison's right. You don't get to talk to anybody, do you?

[Allison Rosen]

No, and I doubt they. I doubt they're.

[Giovanni]

They're Eastern Indian.

[Allison Rosen]

If you couldn't tell, I couldn't tell.

[Giovanni]

Actually, that was not outsourcing.

[Allison Rosen]

They're all corrected.

[Giovanni]

Well, you know, you're right.

[Allison Rosen]

The person who answers the phone. The person who answers the phone might be named Lucy.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Okay, I'll be Lucy.

[Adam Carolla]

Ring, ring.

[Giovanni]

Ha.

[Allison Rosen]

This is Lucy.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah. You be Lucy. Yeah. You be fat, sassy, black Lucy. Go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I Don't do that. That's not in my repertoire.

[Giovanni]

Go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Hi, this is Lucy.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Lucy. I'm a patient of Dr. Nasirs. This is Bob Francois.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I put you on hold?

[Adam Carolla]

I suppose. I'm okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone put on some music.

[Giovanni]

I'll be. Dr. Nazir off the phone.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna come back tomorrow.

[Giovanni]

Yes, Ask him if he has money.

[Adam Carolla]

I can hear him right there. Can I just speak to the doctor for a second?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry, what? Can I give him your message?

[Giovanni]

Tell him I am not here.

[Adam Carolla]

I can hear him.

[Ken Burns]

Tell him I'm sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

He's with a patient right now.

[Giovanni]

I am with the patient.

[Allison Rosen]

He's in surgery all day.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a patient and I. And I'm pretty sure he's right there actually talking to you.

[Allison Rosen]

Would you like to speak to the nurse practitioner?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'd like to speak to the doctor. I pay good money for this service.

[Giovanni]

Tell him I will give him another tumor if he does nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

How does he even know I have. That I have a tumor?

[Giovanni]

Oh, my God. This is how he tells me.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I put you on hold?

[Giovanni]

Oh, I'm dying. I agree with bald Brian. Do the yearly physical. Mike lynch told me that he went and saw his doctor for his physical the other day and his physical. And his doctor was disgusted at his cholesterol. Like, shamed him, like, Jesus Christ, you're 30. What the fuck?

[Allison Rosen]

He's 30.

[Giovanni]

He looks 28 to you. I don't know, maybe he's 32. I don't know what the fuck he is. He's young. I mean, it's just pure bacon fat came into that. Into that syringe. And the guy is 32. And then the doctor was like, what the fuck? And kind of shamed him.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, then maybe shouldn't have eaten. Is CT still around him?

[Giovanni]

And Mike shouldn't have went out for the meat lovers pizza right before he went in to get his blood work.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I guess having the doctor do the dirty work is a good idea. Yeah, people ignore their doctors all the time, though.

[Giovanni]

All right. Gracie or Grace. Hi. Hi. How are you?

[Yolanda]

Good, how are you?

[Giovanni]

You sound hot. Yeah, you are.

[Yolanda]

I have a problem. So I've been with the same guy for about over three years. And in the beginning of our relationship, in the very first six months, I lied to him about my ex boyfriend.

[Giovanni]

What'd you say?

[Yolanda]

Well, he was just in and out of my life and I just kind of told him that he was not in my life. And a phone call came up and drama and blah, blah, blah.

[Giovanni]

So it's this weird thing when you're not quite in one and you're not quite out of the other. There's that kind of gray area where you have. You have a foot in two buckets. Yeah.

[Yolanda]

And so it's like he thinks like a liar.

[Giovanni]

He thinks you're a cheater, but you weren't really cheating. You were just sort of finishing off.

[Yolanda]

Thank you. Yeah, I wasn't doing anything, but he was still in contact with me. So I became this big liar. And so I've been paying for it for the past two and a half years and so forth. So. And. And it's been really difficult, but I've been trying because I love the guy and everything. But now I'm getting to a point in my life where I'm thinking maybe it's not fixable because he's so adamant about me being shady, like a shady person, that I'm a liar and this and that. That I can't seem to redeem myself. I feel like maybe it's time to give up.

[Giovanni]

All right.

[Yolanda]

That's what I need help with. I don't know.

[Giovanni]

I'm going to help you. Here's the thing. Whether guys admit it or not, and women are this way, too. We get insecure and women do the same thing. And we start to sort of. We get a little momentum and we start to move forward and we start to accuse and you start backpedaling. And the more you backpedal, the more we encroach. And then you sort of validate us because you start apologizing or saying, no, or I'm sorry, you don't understand. And then what are you apologizing for if you didn't do anything wrong? I think guys need you. Take that towel and twist it up and dip the end in the toilet and just fucking snap it until it pops on their ball sack. Give them a nice rat tail, just fucking crack it on them and go, hey, I told you a million times what happened. I'm in love with you. But you know what? I'm falling out of love with you because you keep harassing me with this shit. I'm committed to you, but this shit ain't gonna last if you keep moving forward on this. It's been three years. We don't live to 150, Dilweed. Knock it off or I will fucking move on. And I'd like to move on. I think you'd like me to move on. I think the last two and a half years has shown that I'm a pretty committed partner. Now whether you're insecure, I don't know. But this is your problem. You're foisting it on me and you need to knock it the fuck off and move forward with our life and our relationship. And if you keep bringing it up, you're going to do exactly, going to be a self fulfilling prophecy and I will get the fuck out of there. So stop apologizing, stop backpedaling, crack the fucking whip on this guy's sack and say shut up and knock it off. I'm done talking about this chapter in my life. Yes, I had a boyfriend. Yes, you had a girlfriend before you met me. Now we've met each other, these other people are out of our lives. Knock it off.

[Yolanda]

No, I couldn't agree with you.

[Giovanni]

Do it. Do it.

[Yolanda]

No, the thing is, I've done a mild version of that. But the thing is he says, okay, well, we'll see.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I say get rid of him. I've heard enough.

[Giovanni]

I'm somewhere between this and get rid of him. I seriously mean you say you give him the non stepped on version of this. The one that's not been cut with baby laxative. I want the pure Bolivian shale version of this. Just in from Miami, huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Like you can get that.

[Giovanni]

I know Don Johnson. The point is this. Give him the fucking pure version of this in no uncertain terms and then go, I'm not bullshitting, try me again with this shit. And if he brings it up again, then you're out.

[Allison Rosen]

That said, I think that someone who was going to make her pay for doing nothing for three years, that to me is a big red flag.

[Giovanni]

Not a great guy, sometimes insecure. How old is he?

[Yolanda]

He's 32.

[Giovanni]

Should be growing out of this weird phase. And by the way, he keeps saying.

[Yolanda]

Like, oh, I'm not insecure. It's just the fact that since you gave me such.

[Giovanni]

How much nothing is it? How much nothing is it? I mean, did you sleep with the guy after you met this guy? No, no, no.

[Yolanda]

I just. I was caught right handed basically talking to him on the phone and I didn't tell him about it.

[Allison Rosen]

She didn't cheat. That's what I mean.

[Giovanni]

Okay, well then it's just that she.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes talking to her.

[Giovanni]

But you understand we're hearing her version of it. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not calling you a liar.

[Yolanda]

I'm sure his version would be a lot worse.

[Giovanni]

That's what, that's what I'm. That's what I'M saying sometimes, sometimes there's another side.

[Allison Rosen]

So I'm giving advice to her version.

[Giovanni]

Either, either, either way, Grace, you're hot. You know it. You're thinking about options because you're attractive. What do you do? Some sort of receptionisty thing or bartendery thing?

[Yolanda]

No, I'm actually a chef.

[Giovanni]

Chef, yes. Just put on 25. What kind of food do you specialize in?

[Yolanda]

Korean American cuisine.

[Giovanni]

I knew it. It's my favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

Chosun Galbi.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, of course. I like the Korean barbecue, by the way.

[Yolanda]

Of course you do carbie tacos, by the way.

[Giovanni]

When you just book barbecue behind anything. I do a cat shit barbecue. Oh, okay. I mean, wow, you're a good woman. I like you. I like you, Grace. I like you a lot. And you don't need to put up with this guy's shit. Is he a round eye? What's that, a white guy?

[Yolanda]

Oh, no, no. X was so. I think for some reason I feel like that has something to do with everything.

[Giovanni]

Is he a Korean dude?

[Yolanda]

Yeah, he is, but my ex is white, so.

[Giovanni]

Are you Korean gal?

[Yolanda]

Yes, I am.

[Giovanni]

Are Korean. Koreans are tough, aren't they? I mean, the guys little demanding.

[Yolanda]

The girls are known to be a little feisty. The guys have. Are known to be a little hot tempered. Yes.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they're rough. I'm telling you. I found that out firsthand when the Schwartzes were riding. I know you're sitting down. Thank God you're sitting for that. After the Rodney King thing and everyone, you know, it's basically LA was like, oh, everyone flee for the hills and stay in your homes and lock your doors and curfews and everything out. And the Koreans were like, I'm going to the roof of liquor store and I'm getting a hunting rifle and I'm gonna kill me some Schwartzes.

[Yolanda]

All the Koreans own the liquor stores, right?

[Giovanni]

But believe me, the Jews in whitey would have cleared right out and just said, I'll just fucking hammer an insurance check if this thing catches on fire. Not the Koreans. They went to the roof and said, I got a hunting rifle. They're all like in the military and shit. Nothing bothers those people. And they just started shooting at black people. They're the only, the only, the only natural enemy that the black man has in the wild are Koreans. It's charted normally. They're like great white sharks. They're alpha predators, you know what I mean? And then they run into a T. Rex in the form of a 5, 7 guys, 128 pounds with a hunting rifle.

[Adam Carolla]

Short arms.

[Giovanni]

Short arms. Yeah, but. But arms. I mean, not arms, but arms. Bolt action arms.

[Allison Rosen]

Short arms and long arms.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Grace.

[Yolanda]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

I'm not in love with this dude. I'm sort of. I'm sort of landing in Allison's camp on this one. You give him. You give him a tough love talk, a come to Jesus talk, and then that's it. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you live with him?

[Yolanda]

All right. No, but he's. The thing is, it sucks because I've never met his parents. He won't.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I don't like this guy.

[Yolanda]

He just keeps me around. So I feel like this is.

[Giovanni]

You know what? He's eroding your self esteem. You're cute. You're. You can fucking cook Korean food, man. We would have such a party, me and you. I'd be like, yeah, come over and bring your Korean barbecue stuff.

[Yolanda]

It's gonna be awesome party for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, bring your GYU gaku.

[Giovanni]

We're gonna have a meat lovers party on my belly. Yeah.

[Yolanda]

No meat lovers pizza though, huh? No meat lovers pizza.

[Giovanni]

No, no, no. We'll go Korean barbecue. What are we gonna eat?

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, Gyugu.

[Giovanni]

Gyugaku.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's Japanese barbecue, but it's delicious. They bring you out to the meat.

[Allison Rosen]

They are not the same.

[Giovanni]

Close enough, but believe me, if I put a hundred of them in the room and mixed in like 10 Koreans, you think, you figure, you think he'd sort them out?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not in this conversation dreaming about all the money I'm gonna make from my perfume connection.

[Giovanni]

A connection. Jason. Hey, what's going on? Jason? Yeah. Big fan. Thanks. I'm actually, I'm sitting here with my wife and we just got married, moved in together, and we've been. We got a two bedroom, two bath apartment, and I've been sharing the same bathroom and basically use the other one as a guest bathroom. She's. She's been making a big push for me to get out of the bathroom that's right. In our bedroom and into the other bathroom. And I'm kind of putting up a stink because, you know, if she wants to do that, she can go to the other bathroom. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Does she do anything that requires her to spend a lot of time getting ready in the bathroom?

[Giovanni]

I mean, we have a mirror in our main bedroom where she blow dries her hair and has her stuff all over blocking my drawers. So it's a huge hassle for me to get into my. Into my underwear in the morning. Cause there's wires in front of them. Let me just say this. First off, we could power a city the size of Detroit for a thousand years for just. If women put down their fucking hairdryer for one, just a six month period, I will. Every chick I know. First off, biggest kilowatt burner. I'd love to go out and just stare at the meter when the wife fires up that thing and just see it start whirling like a dervish. A dervish, I tell you. But just sitting there and they're deafening themselves. They don't can hear anything. They're just buzzing away.

[Allison Rosen]

I had one to turn on right now.

[Giovanni]

Just, you know what, Jason, Just get the fuck out of there. And then the shedding into the sink with the long hairs everywhere and the clogging of the sink.

[Allison Rosen]

You think we like doing it?

[Giovanni]

Just pick the fucking hairs out after they fall into the sink. Jason, move on. Move into the other bathroom, let the baby have her bottle. Going to the bathroom, making a dump in there. Just move. Listen, here's the deal. When it comes to closets and bathrooms, if you're living with a chick, I'm assuming you're straight. And if you're straight, you just don't need that much closet, you don't need that much bathroom. Let him have at it. Let the baby have his bottle. Yeah, I don't do anything. I take a dump, I brush my teeth, I get the hell out of there. My showers. Here's how long my showers last. I shower two times a week maybe. And I rinse myself off. And here's how long my shower lasts. I turn the hot water knob all the way up. Cold water initially comes out. At a certain point it gets warm enough for me to jump in. I jump in. And from the time it goes from warm enough to get into too hot, it's burning my skin. That's how long my shower lasts. And then I shut it off. I just rinse my hair off. I rinse my shit off. I don't know about that.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't even know your way around a bar of soap?

[Giovanni]

No, I don't get into it. Once in a while I give a shot of shampoo into the patch down below, lather it up. But generally nothing. And we're all brainwashed by this.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't even condition your pubic hair.

[Giovanni]

I used pert plus two and one. Somebody was twittering or tweeting about something and they were. I was reading it yesterday and it was talking about this sort of myth of scrubbing away everything all the time and taking all the showers and doing all the soap and how that fucks your skin up royally. And it just does. You don't need to. You don't need it. And you don't have to spend a half hour in the fucking shower scrubbing away every night. And so you know my feelings too.

[Allison Rosen]

To get rid of the sin, fuck.

[Giovanni]

It, give it to the old lady. You don't need it. All right, where the hell were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever taken a bubble bath?

[Giovanni]

I like a bath on occasion. I'm always too lazy to draw the thing and all that. And I'm really too lazy even for the shower. Like I just want to get in and out of there, I don't know, somehow cleaning myself. It's not cathartic or anything. Yeah, I just want to get the fuck out of there so I can get back to whatever it is I was doing. Know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Giovanni]

I know everyone thinks. Everyone thinks I'm gross. I mean, it's really weird how we've essentially brainwashed. Listen, let me explain something. This bullshit product line that is sold to the tune of billions of dollars a year, it's a perfect game because we sell everyone a bunch of bullshit. I mean, you take a look at a woman's medicine cabinets filled with just tons of shit, just tons of shit. And it's a multibillion dollar year industry. Like I've complained before, the idea that there's fucking shampoo and body wash, that's how you know it's fucking ridiculous. There is, yes. This fucking lick will lick. Sorry. Body wash. Yeah, fuck it. If you want to wash your cock off, then just put a dollop of shampoo down there and wash your balls off. You need some special fucking body wash. And by the way, and by the.

[Allison Rosen]

Way, volumizing shampoo is not going to.

[Giovanni]

Help all of that shit. It's all the same shit. Some like glycerin and some was, you know, yellow dye, number whatever and mostly water. I'd love to see the breakdown of all the different shampoos and all the different body washes and all. It's all bunch of fucking bullshit.

[Allison Rosen]

Bunch of shit from my friends because I don't own a puff. You know those. Because I don't regularly exfoliate. I but I do regularly shower, so the women will turn on their own. I apparently I'm a freak because I don't have an exfoliating puff.

[Giovanni]

I will say this. I think most men's skin at the age of 45 looks better than most women's. Skin at the age of 45. And who's the ones who's putting on the mask? Who's scrubbing down? Who's putting all the moisturizing shit on? Who's doing all the wear? Now, look, guys can be ugly and they can be fat and they can be, whatever. Bald. Sorry, Brian. All that good stuff. But poor for poor. Age 45, dude's skin is oftentimes in better shape than female skin. And by the way, half those dudes are fucking roofers. Like, they're out in the sun all day, they're smoking, they're drinking, they're whatever. And half the dude's skin, just for you, that the poor under a magnifying glass would look better. And I swear it's because the women are just dousing themselves in bullshit and scrubbing every essential nutrient out of them.

[Allison Rosen]

Either that or maybe it has to do with hormones.

[Giovanni]

Okay, anyway, let's take some phone calls. May have a point. May have a point.

[Allison Rosen]

I might not.

[Adam Carolla]

I love how you get super excited about something that can never be proven. If you take a roofer at 45, put his pores under a microscope, I.

[Allison Rosen]

Promise I'm going to raise two 45 year olds and put a single pore from each under a microscope.

[Giovanni]

No, you don't understand. I'm gonna take two infants. One I'm gonna force to be a beauty queen. The other I'm gonna force to be a roofer in the San Fernando Valley in 45 years from now.

[Allison Rosen]

Twins.

[Giovanni]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

You're welcome. For this podcast. And then we can use them for this experiment.

[Adam Carolla]

And when's this, Adam? Before the Sledgehammer wine or after the Jeremiah Week?

[Giovanni]

Somewhere in between, Yolanda. Or when I'm making my Mangria. I should patent that. That's when you know you're an alcoholic. When you have a glass of wine left, you go, fuck it. I'll dump a little booze in on top here. Feel like opening another bottle? Need to catch a buzz. Yolanda.

[Yolanda]

Yeah, hello.

[Giovanni]

What's going on?

[Yolanda]

Hi, Adam. Such a great fan of your show. Can't wait to see you in Phoenix month sometime. Right?

[Giovanni]

Orpheum Theater, baby. 22nd or something.

[Yolanda]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Yes. Yeah.

[Yolanda]

So excited.

[Giovanni]

Thank you. Get your tickets. They may be sold out pretty soon.

[Yolanda]

I have a. Oh, I have a question. Relationship question about this guy I've been going out with for about four months now. We actually met on Facebook.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna bring the guy in from Mansfield, by the way. He's gonna bring me out on stage.

[Allison Rosen]

You're adding him live show now.

[Giovanni]

Remember how Kid Rock traveled around with that midget? That's. That's not. That's gonna be me. Yeah, sorry. Because I want that. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Take off your robe.

[Giovanni]

Someone's got to remove my cape when I get out on stage. Yeah, sorry. Go ahead.

[Yolanda]

Oh, yeah. We've been going out for about four months now. You started off gradually seeing each other every week, and we started seeing each other every day. And then recently, I just kind of got the feeling that he was seeing someone else. Yeah, I just got the feeling he was. Just like, one night I called him and he was up and he sounded kind of wasted, and I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, oh, I was asleep, and I'm brushing my teeth right now. And I'm like, okay, whatever. And then I.

[Giovanni]

Do you smell smoke? Yolanda, let's cut to the chase. You want me to toss you Mercy Phoenix? I'll do it.

[Yolanda]

No, no, no, no.

[Giovanni]

We'll get back to this, dude.

[Yolanda]

Well, okay. So we kind of came to an understanding that he was someone else. I don't know who this person was. He didn't officially say that he did or that he was seeing someone else, but then he kind of said that I'm sorry. And he never said what he was sorry about. He just said, I'm sorry I'm gonna be with only you. It's gonna be just the two of us from now on. And.

[Giovanni]

Yolanda, Yolanda, let's talk about you for a second. How do you feel? How do you feel about yourself? Lose the way, chubby. You big, big gal. What's going on?

[Yolanda]

I don't know. I have a history of bad relationships. I always end up in really messed up relationships.

[Giovanni]

So what do you weigh? What do you weigh?

[Yolanda]

Like 140?

[Giovanni]

Mm. Okay. How tall are you? It's been a while. I do some radio math. 5 2, 5, 2, 1, 4, 0. Hold on a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcast math is a little different than radio math.

[Giovanni]

Oh, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Internet based.

[Giovanni]

5, 2, 1, 40 ball. Brian, I'm gonna have you play the part of Dr. Drew on this one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

5, 2, 1, 4, 0. 2 times 2 ball, Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

4.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

3, 2 plus 2, 4 also. Yeah, it's a mathematical. 2 plus 2 is also. I'll explain.

[Giovanni]

I said 2 times 2 first. You said 4.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna blow your mind right now. Also 4.

[Giovanni]

Okay, I'll take your word for this.

[Adam Carolla]

Trust me.

[Giovanni]

One. Okay. If you take one away from nine, you got eight. But if you take zero, you're still at nine, right? And double check your work.

[Adam Carolla]

Always.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, but you're saying two times two and two plus two is the same. But that doesn't work. Same with five.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's different.

[Giovanni]

Okay, okay, hold on. I gotta start over. I gotta start over. You told me. I felt like you're saying something else a minute ago.

[Adam Carolla]

It's unique only to twos.

[Giovanni]

So 22 times 22 is the same as 22 plus 22 again. Now you're talking in circles. Brian, are you hearing what he's saying?

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't make sense.

[Giovanni]

Okay, all right, I'm sorry. Five, two, 140. All right, I have five. One and three. 30 seconds. One.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you. You pulled this out to degrees.

[Giovanni]

This exact science. It's a science. Yeah. And I have.

[Allison Rosen]

Now I know why you have the protractor.

[Giovanni]

151 and 9 ounces. So Yolanda, uh huh. You'd probably lose a couple of pounds. And the reason I'm saying that is not to be a douche, but it's to put you in a better position. Sometimes guys sort of will play. Here's what I'm saying. And it's sad, but it's true. A woman who's carrying around an extra couple of pounds will get treated very different in a relationship than Heidi Klum would get treated in the same relationship. Because the guy knows he can do what he wants and he's not going to get called out on it. And a lot of guys are into this. I don't appreciate it, but I think that may be part of what's going on. What do you do for a living, Yolanda?

[Yolanda]

I do data entry at one of the banks.

[Giovanni]

Life in the fast lane, huh, baby? I'm gonna go ahead and downgrade that mercy fuck to mercy blowjob, by the way, in Phoenix. But we can still get him jealous. He's still gonna be pissed by the time we're done with the.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna be eating, so the fuck's off the table.

[Giovanni]

I'm going to be eating the meat lovers pizza backstage.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're not even going to give Yolanda any, are you?

[Giovanni]

You and Mike August can go to town downstairs. Yolanda. I don't like this dude. What's he do?

[Yolanda]

He does computer work. Some type of IT work.

[Giovanni]

Do you want to. Do you want to get married to this guy?

[Yolanda]

I don't know, he seems like. He seemed like marriage material to me until this happened. And there's another thing. He was seeing a girl for about Five years. And he said they recently broke up. But he was kind of like your movie Adam, where he checked out long before the five years was over.

[Giovanni]

I love the idea that you're quoting the Hammer.

[Yolanda]

I'm like, is he? And he said that he's over it, but I kind of thinking this is the girl that he went back to.

[Giovanni]

Yolanda, I am not in love with this dude. And the good news is you're 28 years old. The bad news is you're in Mexico, so New Mexico. So that's like being 41. But here's what I want to focus on. I want to focus on a sort of six month plan for you. You're going to hang around this guy for six months and you can tell him he's going to have to change his ways. And meanwhile, you're shedding about £5amonth, you know what I mean? And next thing you know, we got the new you. And you're brimming with confidence. You feel strong and you feel healthy. And then you point your finger. New line. That's right. Not Yolanda. New Landa from old Mexico. And you point your finger in this guy's chest and you tell me you got tiger's blood.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, just like Vince Neil to his ex wife.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Poked the hell out of him.

[Giovanni]

All right, Yolanda. Okay. All right. I'll see you in Phoenix. I'll see you in Phoenix. Come up and say hi after the show.

[Yolanda]

Okay, we'll do.

[Giovanni]

All right. Now remember, it's the 22nd, so you only got, you got about two and a half, about two and a half weeks to get down to 140 because I'm going to see you in Phoenix.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like this call may be more harm than good.

[Giovanni]

Really? Like we did.

[Allison Rosen]

We may possibly, but chin up, chin's up, chin's up. I think you guys.

[Giovanni]

No, no, it's mean, but I think it's realistic.

[Allison Rosen]

We're saying though, is that this guy isn't so great. And I just needed to hear that.

[Giovanni]

He's not great. And whether you like it or not, it's sort of a free market out there. And it's what the market will bear. And when you're five nothing and you're £150, your prospects ain't great out on the open market and you're sort of a commodity. And I just like to. Basically, it's no different than someone saying, hey man, you're going for a job interview. How about you shave and put a jacket on?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Giovanni]

This is the life version of that. You're going for a job interview. All right, one more call. Let's talk to Frank. Frank? Yep. What's going on, Frank?

[Yolanda]

Not a whole lot. Just one thing first before I start in.

[Giovanni]

I absolutely love your audio book, and.

[Yolanda]

I'm waiting for the second one to.

[Giovanni]

Come out as soon as possible. What is that? I'm working on the second audio book. I'm trying to negotiate that with my publisher. So far, I haven't. They have not been generous with my plan of, I'll do all the goddamn work and you guys can split the money with me. They've done the. That's not how we normally do things. It's always funny. I don't want to bash on these people, but you know when people offer you almost nothing for things and you're like, I don't understand why you're even. Like, their first proposal was, oh, we'll give you five grand. And I'm like, I. I can go the Irvine Improv tomorrow night, make five grand and come back. This audiobook's gonna be five hours, and I gotta pay lynch and Dawson and whatever. Like, why you. It's even. It's weird yanking your chin, not even kind of insulted by it. It's just like. It's not. No. And it's not a negotiating no. It's like if somebody said, I want you to paint my van for 80 cents, you'd just be like, no.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone once actually said to me, how would you like to do a lot of work for not very much money? I'm like, there's other things I'd rather do, right?

[Giovanni]

So I said, look, here's my plan, and I'm just being upfront with everyone and maybe they'll hear this and get pissed off or not. I don't care. Because I feel like this. I feel like you should be fair in your life. And then when you're fair in your life, then who gives a shit? What would people think? So I said, no, here's how it should go. I'll produce it, we'll do all the lost chapters, we'll do all the bonus stuff. We'll do all the stuff that was deleted. I'll do the stuff I didn't do. Lynch will get it together, Dawson will edit it, we'll record it here, and then you guys won't lift a finger. We'll put it on itunes, we'll sell it on my podcast, and we'll split the money. And my agent was like, do I.

[Allison Rosen]

Have rights to it or something. Is that what the problem is?

[Giovanni]

My agent is like, that's insane. And I'm like, I don't understand. And he's like, that's not the way they do it. I'm like, I don't. I'm not interested in the way they do it. I'm just interested in what's fair. And by the way, that's a good deal from them. And I wrote them an email and said. They offered me some sort of 25%, whatever. And I just wrote them an email and I said, look, here's the deal. You can get. I had my assistant type it. Yeah. I said. I said, look, we can split what is potentially going to be a nice chunk of change 50, 50, or you can have 100% of nothing. I'm not doing it. Where I get 25% and you get 75% and you don't do anything. That's what they're proposing, essentially, and they stepped up to, like, 15 grand. But I still said, no, it's not worth it. And my. Both my agents, my book agent and my agent agent are like, are you nuts? That's a great deal. That's like, no, it's not a good deal. You see, there's.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it like they're saying, here's an advance, and then.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that what they want?

[Giovanni]

They want to advance and have to pay them back again? It's not. It's not. I'm not negotiating. It's not fucking worth my time.

[Allison Rosen]

So, Frank, it might take a little while for you to get that second audiobook.

[Giovanni]

It's just. It's so insane. Like, look, I do all the fucking work and I give you half. That's a. That's. You got a problem with that?

[Allison Rosen]

Why can't you just do this? Not with them. Is it because they. I will.

[Giovanni]

No. The thing is, is I don't want to be a dick. I can't use the name. I can't use. Whatever. If they don't agree to this, I will do a audiobook.

[Allison Rosen]

40 years, we'll all be poodles.

[Giovanni]

That has nothing to do with their name and the material that was already delivered to them. And then I'll just keep all the money. That's. That's what will be done. And I don't want to sound like a dick, but. But doing everything and then splitting it when I don't contractually have to do a second audiobook sounds like a fairly decent, magnanimous deal to me. I don't care if traditionally that's not the way it's done. There's a lot of that in this business. And by the way, there's no tradition anymore. We're doing a fucking podcast. It didn't exist two years ago.

[Allison Rosen]

Weren't they at that Mansfield show? And didn't they hear the first few sentences of your bio? I forget what they were. But something. Yeah, something that.

[Giovanni]

No, but the book. The book world is very like, hey, that's not the way it's done.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, still use paper.

[Giovanni]

Anyone want to buy a Borders or Barnes and Noble franchise? Everybody, they're going out of business. So changing the way you do things might. Might be a nice way. And also, okay, this hasn't been done before. People don't come out with second audio books. They don't split the revenues with the person that's creating it. I understand. It's all brand new stuff. So go ahead, get rid of everything you knew before. Just take a look at it in a vacuum. You do nothing, you get half sound. Okay, I'd like to be on the other end of this. How about I do nothing and I'll take half? Wouldn't that be awesome?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm doing nothing and Bob Bryan's getting half.

[Giovanni]

That's right. All right, so, Frank, maybe it will happen, maybe it won't, but I will. I will do a audiobook that will have nothing in it to do with them. And the good news is Mike lynch has a huge fucking pile of material, and I'll do a second one and you can buy it and it'll either be called the second version of in 50 years, wallaby chicks, or it'll just be called Musings From Adam Carolla. And I'll keep all the money. Either way, there'll be a second one. That sounds awesome. I can't wait. You know the part that fucking drives me nuts is I.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks, Frank.

[Giovanni]

I have to get into it with my own people all the time. Like, they're never gonna go for that. Like, gives a fuck if they don't go for it. That sounds awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

They're there to keep you in line, Adam.

[Giovanni]

Give you $5,000, you get to do everything. That sounds awesome. Oh, boy.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's that?

[Giovanni]

That is fucking great. All right, that being said, they're decent people. All right. They're both Frank, right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Giovanni]

One is Frank. That sounds awesome. Yeah. Frank, excited about the next audiobook or not?

[Yolanda]

Oh, definitely.

[Giovanni]

I absolutely love the first one.

[Yolanda]

I cannot wait for the second one to come out.

[Giovanni]

That sounds awesome. Okay, good. So you just broke up with your girl. Yeah, that sounds awesome. Then let me say this too. I get a lot of like, you know, oh, don't talk about this. Don't talk about that. Why? Why? What do I got to hide? What am I doing? What am I saying about them? What am I saying about me? What am I saying about anything?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it's just not done.

[Giovanni]

Everyone's like, don't talk about it. Don't talk about this. Don't. Fuck that. Who gives a shit?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't.

[Giovanni]

I'm telling you exactly what I'm trying to do. I want to do a second audiobook. Maybe we'll do it with the publisher, maybe we won't. And by the way, no hard feelings. If they're set in their ways and they're gonna go, we want 75%. We'll give you 25% then fine. I won't do a second audio book with them. That's like, I really mean it. I'm not. I'm not threatening them. I. When I did these third year of Loveline on MTV and me and Dr. Drew were getting like 900 bucks an episode, I just said, look, it's not a threat. I need a two grand an episode because I'm. It's not worth it to come in here. It's too much time. I'm doing a radio show, I'm doing another TV show. It's just not worth it. I'm not threatening. It's not a ploy. I'm not trying. I'm just telling you.

[Allison Rosen]

Telling them your needs.

[Giovanni]

Yes, it's not worth it to do it for the money they're offering or the percentage they're offering. Thank you. All right, Frank, your. What? Girlfriend wants to do an audio book. What's up? That sounds awesome. Yeah. And so she basically. We've been going seeing each other. We got set up by one of our mutual friends, and we've been seeing.

[Yolanda]

Each other and basically she broke up.

[Giovanni]

With me and basically said that, you.

[Yolanda]

Know, I was just a greedy, money.

[Giovanni]

Hungry person and she couldn't. Wait a minute. My neighbor. Dad, you're greedy because you wanted 50% of your own product. Wait a minute. Yeah, it got kind of cathartic there. Sorry. Yeah, I remember too much of her dad being greedy and always, you know, working and stuff. All right. Yeah, she was in a previous engagement. Frank, Frank, Frank, let me say this. You're 22. Yes. Yes. Move on, baby. When you're 22, I. I wish somebody. I wish someone would have tapped me on the shoulder when I was getting caught up in whatever relationship shit I was getting caught up in when I was 22 and just tapped me on the shoulders, went, you ain't marrying her. Just fucking move on. Just cut bait. Like, you know that thing where.

[Allison Rosen]

Didn't people try to say that, though? I feel like, no, me and I've been like, that's not what I'm trying to hear.

[Giovanni]

I didn't. I didn't get enough of that. No, I didn't get that. I mean, it's like, you know, when you're 22 and you have one of those jobs and you know, I ain't going to be here when I'm 40. Think of it that way. It's a good experience. I could use a paycheck. But. But, eh, they gotta fight for it. Let's move on. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I know what you're saying, Frank. Do you know what we're saying?

[Giovanni]

I put them on hold, Frank. Look, if you want to avoid her, you can do it. Don't engage. Don't engage. I've said it many times. It's like a cat that comes around your back door. Nothing. You can't put a saucer of milk out once every four or five days. A cat will never stop coming around the door.

[Allison Rosen]

The problem here is the problem that he wants to be rid of her or he's still hung up on her and he wonders what it means.

[Giovanni]

He wants to be rid of her.

[Allison Rosen]

And he's cut off the milk.

[Giovanni]

He wants to brag. Cut the milk off. All right. Yes. That sounds awesome. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this is Adam Kurlow, show 541. Coming up next, we have Adam Carlo show 569 with Corinne Steffens, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop.

[Giovanni]

Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Corinne's an author. She wrote a book about her experiences with various rappers and male R B stars. And it's very interesting. Check it out.

[Giovanni]

Oh, oh. O'Reilly Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge that you're going to need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I've used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescento renting a house, keeping that Isuzu trooper on the road. And they got thousands of parts and accessories and stock either in their store or online. So you have. Well, you don't have to worry. If you're in a jam, you can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice because sometimes it's tough to get those babies out of the car. You need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed or a quick service? Well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop as well and get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts People at O'Reilly O'Reilly Auto Parts One Stop Shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car in store online, you can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today or Visit us online o'reilly auto.com Adam that's o'reilly auto.com Adam Good day, Ball. BRIAN Good day.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, ADAM Carolla.

[Giovanni]

Oh yeah, you got the. You should get our putting on the Ritz song queued up there. By the way, at some point I had to do one of those book radio tour things this morning that start at 5:45 and you just roll, roll, roll. My thing is, and by the way, it's a weird relationship you have with the woman or the guy, but it's usually the woman who coordinates the whole thing because she has. Now imagine this. Your job is to A, work with Talent in LA B, work with Talent at 5:45 in the morning. So if you're Beyonce and you wrote a book, you're pissed. I mean, all talent are grouchy anyway. But morning, you know, I used to do morning radio. So I understand there's such a thing as waking up before the street lights turn off and telling a few jokes. But most folks, and most, most talent are assholes and they hate early morning. So you got that. Now you also have to go through 25 radio stations and I will talk and go 45 minutes on one. I don't know if you guys know this about me.

[Allison Rosen]

So they finally are coming out of your show.

[Giovanni]

They each get 10 minutes and this woman's got to be in charge. And by the way, the radio station you're talking to, they don't give a rat's ass how long they're on with me. So they'll keep going as well.

[Allison Rosen]

So she has to put a cork in you.

[Giovanni]

So she's a weird little silent, you know, so she'll call the house. It's like. It's this weird intimate thing. It's, you know, 5:55 in the morning and your phone rings and it's dark outside. So I had one of these bummer moments where the coffee pot, the timer for the coffee maker is set for 6am and so when I walked down at 5, I went to bed, of course, with a couple glasses of red wine in me about 1am because that's when I go to bed and light night for you. Yeah, three glasses of wine. No, man. Gria. Thank you. And got up at 5:45 into the, you know, raining outside, dark, everyone. And by the way, I don't like other people sleeping when I'm up. There's. I've done the bachelor thing. And when you do the bachelor thing, you're in a house alone. So you wake up and you're like, all right, I'm up. I'm turning the stereo on, I'm turning the lights on. I'm cranking it up a little bit. The only thing worse than getting up, you know, when you go to bed at 11 30, at 55 35, 45, is when there's a whole bunch of other souls asleep in the house. And now you're creeping around your own house. It's almost like you're trying not to wake yourself up at this point, like. And it's like, my dog Molly. My dog Molly spreads out, you know, does, like, literally snores, has. Has one ear FL her eyes like a night mask, you know, we'll let out at well time, you know, and then roll over the other way and sink deeper into the down comforter. And it's like, God damn it. Last thing you know. You want to see some. I've said it a million times. There's nothing if you. It's all relative. Life is all relative. You complain about your life and then you see the bum pushing the cart, sleeping in the refrigerator box. And all of a sudden you go, you know, I don't have it so bad. But then you turn on TV and you say, hey, Will and Jada Pinkett are in the south of Rancid. Now you're pissed again. It's that way with the sleep.

[Allison Rosen]

And what you're saying is, Molly has it better than you.

[Giovanni]

Oh, fuck Molly. First off, was passed out by 9:45 that night. It's going on hour 13 and got nine hours of napping in during the course of the day and has a whole day of nothing planned, but still just rolls over, you know. Plops out, my wife's plopped out, the kids are passed out, and I'm doing the only. Only person alive in this house creeping around thing. I get down to the car, I get down to the kitchen and coffee maker dead, you know, not on. And that's that thing where it's like, hands to the head, no birds flying over the canopy, I need my coffee. And then I do the thing where I push it to get it started. Because now it's like three minutes to six. And of course the phone starts ringing. And that's. That's my little connection lady. And so what she does is she coordinates the whole thing. Once in a while there's like a little snafu. It's like Boomer and floor wax and Denver dropped off. But we're going to skip ahead to Fox Sports Radio over in, you know, Tulsa and blah, blah. But does a little on the fly, you know, plate spinning and then Seth to sit there and sort of silently listen and then move them along. Now I become self conscious and I don't want her to hear the same jokes over and over. So a lot of, so what inspired the book? And me going, I know I'm talking to another radio station. I want to launch into my doctor Drew in his flat tire and waiting for triple A and blah, blah, blah. I realize she's sitting there listening and I want. I don't want to tell her the same fucking joke. And then you love her. It start, it's like the kind of relationship you have with the OnStar voice, you know what I mean? And then at the end, a rare moment of intimacy. And then usually, you know, by the time you go through 25 radio stations and you got up the crack of fuck, you can't get off the phone long enough. She does a little encouraging, only four more to go, you know, as you're coming into the home stretch. And then at the end, she was like, that was really good.

[Allison Rosen]

I was like, are you going to call her later?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I didn't know. I don't have her number. She can call me. And then I talk to 25 other radio stations. And she was like, that was good. And I was like, thanks. She goes, you're nice, you're easy. And I said, well, what am I supposed to do? Oh. She goes, oh, believe me, you should listen to other people. And I'm like, well, what do they do? And she says, well, first off, a lot of people need a break. And I thought, fuck it, pussy stars. You talk to four radio stations. And by the way about what? Do you know what I. You know what I'm saying? Jennifer Lopez. What it would really out of breath?

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe she needs to pee.

[Giovanni]

I'm saying I have to fucking dance cuz I'm a comedian. So it's like, I'm like, hey. And it's always like, hey, what's going on with this Charlie Sheen thing? Hey, Adam, take it away. Hey, what's Schwarzenegger thing I got this.

[Adam Carolla]

Morning is they're being quizzed about themselves. You know what I mean? They're right. They're not having to like answer trivia questions or do long division.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Or make the jokes.

[Giovanni]

And Also, so Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson don't have to fucking be particularly interesting, right? They just sit there and be Matthew McConaughey. That's what I used to yell that at Drew all the time. I turned into Louis Black for a second there. But I mean, like, when we would do all these shows, I'd say, all you have to do is be you. I have to be funny.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Giovanni]

Meaning your field of expertise is medicine. Mortise. My field of expertise is woodworking. I would love just to fucking go on one of these talk shows and sit back and go, so, Adam, let's talk about mortising doors. And I'd go, I'm glad you brought that up, Arsenio.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Giovanni]

You gotta get the right jig. Of course. It's nice to have a half inch straight bed. Put a collar around it and go ahead. My notes. It's four inches if it's an exterior hinge, three and a half interior hinge. And just. I can just. But no one ever. Well, that's no good. I'd go, no, what do you mean? I'm a wood expert. That's what I talk about. Wood. And I'd never go into any interview like, I'm nervous. Oh, we didn't Pre produce this Dr. Drew. If he makes someone laugh or smile or entertain someone, it's a plus. But other than that, he's just Dr. Drew. Well, I sit there and I get this build up all that. This guy, this guy cracks me up. I mean, this guy's one of the fastest guys there is out there, man. This guy, boom, boom, boom.

[Allison Rosen]

He can do 20 minutes on anything.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Literally, they do this, you know, what can Adam complain about? I've seen this guy live. He'll toss out any topic. This guy, Adam, Charlie Sheen go. And it's like, it's like, I don't know, Charlie Sheen, I don't know if it's. I guess his tour's over. Hey, and I'm getting Now it's 6:03 in the morning. Hey, what's going on with this Schwarzenegger thing? Well, they're on the east coast, right. I just woke up. I like, I don't. What do you do? I, you know, hey, what about Schwartz? And I'm.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you do?

[Giovanni]

Trying to piece it together. Like, I guess he cheated the first eight calls. I just think he cheated. I don't know about the love child, so. Well, when did the news break? And then how would a guy on the west coast who got up at 5:40. I just got up.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I guess if you had woken, if you'd set your egg timer for 1 minute before you would have looked at the Internet or something. That's like the only way you would have known.

[Giovanni]

I just got up and the phone started.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what that girl should have told you. Yes, your new girlfriend told you.

[Giovanni]

Betrayed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she set you up to fail.

[Giovanni]

She also said that a lot of celebrities needed breaks. Quite a few breaks. And then a lot were insecure, like wanted to know like who they were talking to and why they're, you know, and like how they were and a lot of whom. What's going on next? That's my point. The line them up, there's 20, mow them down. It was nice at about 6:18 in the morning to be seen there. And go, next up, Danny Bonitucci in Philadelphia. Oh, really? And I was like, oh, awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wow.

[Giovanni]

He's always wildly complimentary and the nicest fucking guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you talk to the duchy?

[Giovanni]

I talked to the duchy. What's he doing? He's in Philly, I guess he's doing good. He's got a female sidekick and he's insane. I know, Gross cliche. Cootie ville. He's a fucking nice guy. I mean he's like one of the most complimentary guys on the planet. He's always super sweet to me and I, but, But it is one of Those, you know, 6:20 in the morning, kind of tired. Didn't look down the rundown sheet and saw the douche man. But always a great, always great guy. And good, good interview, good at what he does. Pull that. Pulled out a few of those. Adam Corolla is a genius. He's a genius. And I know people throw around that word lightly, but I don't, I take it as a genius. Remember Adam, three years ago, about 5:45 in the morning, remember what you said to me about Lee Majors. And I was like, the fucking coffee maker's not working. Then I did that super, that super desperate coffee addict thing where I make a strong pot of coffee. Like, I like a nice big robust. You know, if it says use three scoops, I use five scoops. That's the way I roll. But the first cup comes out fucking gelatinous. I mean, it's, it's rocket fuel. It is, it's. It's the first. It eventually blends with the thinner stuff that comes in toward the end, but the first stuff just comes out is just weird. It's murky, right? It's no light will pass through it. But it's 6:02 in the morning now. And I got the cup underneath the thing as I'm. As the phone is ringing because I'm like, I gotta get. I gotta get up to the office. I gotta get my fucking coffee in me. So I'm drinking that super stiff, sludgy stuff at the beginning that no breast.

[Allison Rosen]

Milk before the milk really comes in.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, slow down. So that was this morning. My daughter's getting the tonsils and the adenoids out tomorrow, right? Tomorrow morning, yes. Very early, thanks to my wife and Dr. Bruce that will be going down there.

[Allison Rosen]

This is my daughter, Tits.

[Giovanni]

It's one of those things that you don't think about. And then as a parent. Oh, geez. First time seeing her put under and waking up and being down there and all that kind of stuff. So got an early morning tomorrow. I had to. I think I'm evolving just a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

We'll be the judge of that.

[Giovanni]

I'll tell you what happened this evening around the dinner table. My wife announced that she needed to take my daughter Natalia. They needed to be there by 6am, the children's hospital. And that she probably needed to leave about 5. I leave the house about 5. 35. 35. And I said, what time will you be getting up? And she said, I'm getting up at 5am and I wanted to scream. That's the time I got up every goddamn day for three and a half years, sweetie. But I didn't say a word. I said, wow, good for you. I didn't say a word.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you fix your face in a look of compassion?

[Giovanni]

I tried to push facial. I'd use two hands. And I had to have my nanny actually help too, because I'm trying to mash my face. But every time someone goes, oh my God, I got a flight. I have to get up at five. Like I get up to five every single day. For three plus years. I don't mean it in a dicky way, but cry me a river, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I still will probably wake up just to go, how you feeling right now? All right, I'm going back to bed.

[Allison Rosen]

And maybe also to say something nice to your dog.

[Giovanni]

Huh? Oh, yeah, her.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a P.S.

[Giovanni]

No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna give Molly a Quaalude and like a fifth of Jim Beam so she can get into her ultimate. Like, I'm gonna try to range myself with Molly so that we look like we fell out of a 40 story building and just landed together like those chalk circles. We're gonna commit suicide together on a comforter. Like, just. I'm gonna figure out there. I. I had three years of staring at everyone just spread out asleep. And by the way, I had some nights when, like, I was shooting the hammer and stuff like that, where I would come home at 2:00am, sleep from, you know, 2:30 to 5 and just see everyone just spread out all over the place. I'm gonna get up and enjoy this. But first, me and Molly are going to do our best impersonation of a cadaver.

[Adam Carolla]

You want the caption to read, the suit didn't open?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, he died doing what he loved. Parasailing with his dog. No, but I mean, like, I mean, I'm gonna figure I might take Molly's arm and put it around me. You know what I mean? Like we're lovers. Post coital. You know what I mean, Molly. And I'll try to do.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll see if I can Monte delicto.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I'll see if I can coax a nice, whatever quality. You know, just big exhales. And I'll do that thing where I roll over and fluff my pillow a little bit and back down again. I'm really gonna orchestrate this thing, Molly. As a matter of fact, we cut the show short. I got to start rehearsing with Molly right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Is she good with bits?

[Giovanni]

Oh, she. She was awesome. The three years I did morning radio, just sprawled out. Every once in a while, she did this double fist pump on me where she would get up with me. I know she would get up, she'd head down to the kitchen, only to, you know, get a treat that I threw her and then back up to collapse again on the comforters. I was hurrying, getting ready to run out the door and get to work. Yeah, that was a. That was a double. All right, we got the news. We've got a Guest waiting. We got a little love for go to my. I should say go to meeting. That's right. So you saying go to a PC or go to my PC go to meeting. Brought to you by Citrix. Won almost every word possible for web conferencing. Business of all sizes can use this baby switch to go to meeting. These guys are great. We use them over here at the Adam Carolla podcast and Ace Broadcasting. They're fantabulous and they have low, flat monthly rates. You can hold as many meetings as you want. You don't have to go smell everyone in person anymore. Do it all from your Mac or PC. Try GoToMeeting Free. 30 days. That's right. One month of unlimited use. As much as you like. Unlimited online meeting, free. Just use the promo code. Adam. Good guys. You guys are so good about supporting our sponsors. God bless you. God love you. And these guys have been here since the beginning. Go to meeting. Just try. Try it free. Visit GoToMeeting.com click on the tried free button and enter the promo code. Adam. GoToMeeting. All right, Allison, you got some news.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Corinne Steffens]

Live from the International News center next to Donny's minib, this is the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, as you were talking about earlier, news came out that Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a member of his household staff and that Maria Shriver moved out after she learned that he had fathered this child more than a decade ago. The weird thing is that Gawker is reporting that the woman was a flight attendant and that the kid. That kid's name is Tanner. And like, all this information.

[Giovanni]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Are you saying a Kennedy wife has been cheated on? Is it? That's what we're saying? Is that what you're saying to me?

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying.

[Giovanni]

You get out of my studio before I take a swing at you house. I will not sit there.

[Allison Rosen]

Camelot is just an illusion.

[Giovanni]

I will not tolerate these lies, these fabrication. Really, who could have seen this coming?

[Allison Rosen]

Tim Daly. What is the only one, Tim?

[Giovanni]

Not a fan now. Really not a fan.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. But the Daily Mail apparently reported on this in 2003, and then the story disappeared. So I don't know. I mean, people are wondering, when did she really find out? Like, did she really just find out, you know, recently? Or did, you know?

[Giovanni]

Listen, first off, Mike lynch said, I thought he couldn't act, which was very funny. Although evidently no fans in the room. The point is this.

[Allison Rosen]

I decided to give Mike a hard time. I'M not going to give away my laughter.

[Giovanni]

Knock that peacock down a notch.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll wait till he puts it on Twitter.

[Giovanni]

Here's the thing. I think one of the things you learn is sort of a socialite and especially a Kennedy is how to keep things close to the vest and move along. This not considering almost every politician has a bunch of skeletons in the closet. I would say this is nothing new to almost anyone. And I. And almost any wife, like either your boss was up for big promotion or they were going to make him a partner over at the law firm. Would now be the time to start talking about. I mean, I think it's sort of the good wife.

[Allison Rosen]

I know how it goes.

[Giovanni]

It's understood. Yeah, yeah. So. And again, she's a Kennedy, so she knows the dance. We just have to know. I just like it when people marry these guys and then are surprised. Like, you don't know what you're getting here, Mr. Universe. Seven times or six times, you know, Action star.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, who do you think packed more scandal? Granted, he's a dude, but who do you think, like, brings more scandal potential to the table? Schwarzenegger or Shriver? She's got scandal legacy too.

[Giovanni]

She does, you know. You mean her family or her.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I mean her family.

[Giovanni]

Well, sure, yeah. I mean, it's. It's a supernova of scandal.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Giovanni]

We had, I think, Lynch. It's kind of weird. I called lynch and I said when I was driving in and I said, pull that clip from Pumping Iron. And he said, lynch is the world's oldest 31 year old and a. Because pumping irons from like 1974. And I said, pull that clip. And he said, oh, this clip. And he knew exactly the clip I was talking about, which is kind of gross and weird and sexual. And I said, yeah, why? Did you just see the movie? And he said, no. And I thought. I think we crossed a boundary. But he pulled it. And I just thought it'd be funny to hear Schwarzenegger talk about what he did with the nanny.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's do it.

[Giovanni]

Let's do it. It's as satisfying to me as coming is. You know, as having sex with a woman and coming. So. Can you believe how much I am in heaven? I'm like getting the feeling of coming in the gym. I'm getting the feeling of coming at home. I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage. When I pump up, when I pose out in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling. So I'm coming day and night. I mean, it's Terrific. Right? So, you know, I'm in heaven. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Ladies, he's single now.

[Giovanni]

Wow. He said. I remembered him saying come three and a half times. I didn't know. He said it 26 times. All right, now somebody's gonna grab that and put on a fucking loop. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

I hope.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I hope.

[Giovanni]

Brian, weave your magic.

[Adam Carolla]

It's happening.

[Allison Rosen]

Really? If you were him, would you have maybe used Bust a Nut instead of coming somewhere?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, wouldn't you use other euphemisms like cheat your load or.

[Giovanni]

That's 1974.

[Allison Rosen]

What did they say back then?

[Giovanni]

Coming.

[Allison Rosen]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Divine ecstasy over and over again.

[Giovanni]

Well, first off, there wasn't a. People didn't know it was okay to talk about shit flying out of their cock back then. It was a simpler time. So we didn't have a first. First off, a couple things. We did not have rap music. So how are we supposed to learn new words? You know, if you think about it that way.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right.

[Giovanni]

We didn't. There's no skeet.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

There's no slang or anything going on and busting the nut and dropping a load and pop shots and all that kind of creaming.

[Allison Rosen]

Your jeans, your door dashers or your Shamenda furs.

[Giovanni]

I think the cream and the jeans came about three years after this. There was a lot of creaming and coming, but that was about it. I didn't even know what it was when I was like, coming. Where? Where are we going? You know?

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. So 74. Give the guy a break. Or whenever it was. I don't remember when Pumping iron was early mid-70s.

[Adam Carolla]

His accent has not improved one tiny bit.

[Giovanni]

First off, the day is young. It's been 31 years.

[Adam Carolla]

It's been 31.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, give him a minute now. Yeah. And by the way, when we say 31 years, we mean 39 years or something. What year was Pumping Iron? And my God, did he say come a million times? 77. It was very homo. We had a very homoerotic moment when lynch went the coming stuff. I got it, but was not thinking about it before that. Just evidently has that running in a loop in his mind.

[Allison Rosen]

What creepy father to be. Get this. Stephen Hawking says that heaven is just a myth. Scientist Stephen Hawking, he says in an interview published Monday in the Guardian.

[Giovanni]

Wait a minute. That's a Belinda Carlisle song from 88. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Heaven is a place on earth.

[Giovanni]

Oh, this is.

[Allison Rosen]

This is. It's like the answer. The answer to the song. He's saying just a myth.

[Giovanni]

Right, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

He says there's no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers. That is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark. Because he said the human brain is like a computer that will stop working when its components fail.

[Giovanni]

Right. Well, what a bummer. He just went from the top of the genius list to the top of the asshole list and had of America's minds, you know. Yeah, he's right, of course. But what are you gonna do? It's all. Does anyone ever think. I mean, I'm not the first guy to bring this up, but every single religion, and there's 500,000 religions, all end with the same way, which is you go somewhere better. Anyone think about that one? That one component of all religion, of all religion. Does anyone think anyone who died before is somewhere other than here and my wife and I are in the ground or in the ocean with bin Laden? I just feel bad for all the fucking. Yeah, yeah. I did a show yesterday and the Guy said, In 50 years we're all gonna be chicks. If you were gonna be a chick, who would you like to come back as? And I said. I said, belinda Carlisle, come back.

[Allison Rosen]

Like you're gonna be dead in 50 years.

[Giovanni]

I don't know. Well, probably. But not in the chubby go go years.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Giovanni]

And not in the now reunion years. But in a sweet spot in the.

[Allison Rosen]

Late 80s, in the circle, in the sand years.

[Giovanni]

Circle in the sand years. Drop, drop. Finally drop the baby weight.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Feeling good about myself, going solo. That's why I'd like to come back. This Belinda Carlisle, right.

[Allison Rosen]

I love that. If you were going to be Belinda Carlisle, you'd want to be hot Belinda Carlisle. You're not gonna hang out there. You're gonna be her.

[Giovanni]

I don't need that. I don't need the years where I'm struggling, having to blow roadies at a club and, you know, claw my way up the ladder and make it and deal with Jane wheeling my ass, squeaking like a fucking parakeet all day. No, no. Now I've broken loose. I spread my wings. I got my own solo career going. And I've shed the pound.

[Adam Carolla]

You want your hair crimped.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And your voice in tune, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You want turquoise mascara?

[Giovanni]

The turquoise mascara, yeah. This is me. This is my ear. And then the next me said I'd come back as Oprah. And I was like, yeah, but still.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd rather come back as Belinda.

[Adam Carolla]

Belinda had a good run there for a while.

[Allison Rosen]

Oprah. It's lonely being Oprah.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Blessed. This is, you know, free aids Free loving.

[Allison Rosen]

Think about. Think about the dudes you sleep with, Adam.

[Giovanni]

Oh, I would be such a. Oh, we'd be doing coke. That's how I kept the weight off.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Giovanni]

And it's not really my body.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but why respect it?

[Giovanni]

Oh, man, I'd just be sucking up coke and dodging jizz my whole day. I'd be like a panther. Dodging. Whoa, there's Salvo Duck.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what makes makes you think she dodges it worst.

[Giovanni]

Good point.

[Adam Carolla]

Worst Japanese game show ever.

[Giovanni]

Doing coke and dodging Chiz.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, I wonder if all your boxing training would help you dodge the jizz. Like I said, though, I just don't. I don't know that Belinda really dodges it slipping.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Yeah. This would be my. This would be the third hit off the same album. Yeah, I'm on top of the world at this point. And this is where.

[Adam Carolla]

Tops down, by the way.

[Giovanni]

And by the way, the little organ thing is this is that part where at the beginning, where spread them out, get them further apart. Guy's playing. Guy with the bad Yanni mustache is playing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the keyboards have to be at different levels, too. One's waist level. One's like, over your head.

[Giovanni]

Oh, no, you need a four foot. A frame ladder. And then one's beneath the stage.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you Belinda Carlisle looks like so Presley. They have the same. It might be the same.

[Giovanni]

It's just hot, blonde, California. And then every once in a while, I would swing by the fattest, least achieving Go Go's house. You know what I mean? Skinny.

[Adam Carolla]

Who would that be blasting the song off? The T just blasted it, like with.

[Giovanni]

One of those big bullhorns they had. And the Blues Brothers on top of the top of the cop cruiser car. You and us pulled up front of our apartment. The fat one, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Who got the repeat now, bitch?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, yeah, maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

I think maybe I'd be a Bengal.

[Giovanni]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

How dare you?

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Giovanni]

All right, now, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

We were talking about Stephen Hawking.

[Giovanni]

Huh? What's he doing?

[Allison Rosen]

He's saying. He said that heaven is a place on earth.

[Giovanni]

That reminds me of. Boy, the Carlisle song.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Adam, if you were gonna be a chick in 50 years, who would you come back as?

[Giovanni]

I'd go.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what your book's about, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Being reincarnated Susannah Hoffs?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I cannot name another bangle. Damn it. The United States government is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's a safety issue.

[Allison Rosen]

How so?

[Giovanni]

Well, you get that fucking thing spitting steam above your head. That's fucking dangerous. Pot of hot coffee comes down on you. I mean, that's what they do in the, you know, in the medieval days, you know, they dump hot coffee lead. And then if they do it like you see the Wicker man or whatever they dump. They, you know, take hot boiling water and they throw it up. Cauldron.

[Allison Rosen]

They had cauldrons.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you see the Wicker Man?

[Allison Rosen]

I thought it was oil they dumped.

[Giovanni]

It was a double feature with pumping iron. No, they would do oil. They do lead or they do. But you know, you take. Have you seen the movies where they boil the water and the rapist comes in the kitchen? All of a sudden the guy. And then she runs out. You know what I mean? You get hurt. Little guy get hurt in there.

[Allison Rosen]

So it was a she.

[Giovanni]

Little gal get hurt in there.

[Allison Rosen]

It was in El Paso when the employee. That's the little gal. When little gal asked for a stool or small stepladder to perform her job, Starbucks denied the request and fired her that same day, claiming that she could be a danger to customers and workers. According to the US you can't get.

[Giovanni]

Those little mitts around one of those grandes.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. She would only. She would only be serving short coffees. Yeah, and two hands or tall, actually, which would. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Ironic. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And then the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission says that Starbucks violated federal law by denying a reasonable accommodation to the employee. She was hired in 2009 and was fired after three days of training. They didn't notice that she was a dwarf when she walked in.

[Giovanni]

Listen, I mean, I'm sure Starbucks is painfully aware of this kind of stuff as a large corporation in this country and everyone knows Americans with Disabilities Acts. And there's a ramp. You got to build the. Every bathroom. Like, if you want to do a business, you want to, like, build hazardous theater restaurant or something, you're gonna have to build, like, a ramp. And you're gonna get hit by all these codes and everything. Especially. Especially in Los Angeles, but anywhere with Starbucks, and I'm sure they're briefed on this all the fucking time because they have a target on their back. I'm sure everyone is looking to sue these guys and every ex employee's pissed off and blah, blah, blah. So I'm sure she was a bitch. I mean, maybe she's. I mean, the whole. The idea. This whole notion that chicks or black folks or dwarves or anyone else can't be shitty at their job and you can't fire them is bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, there's an Awful lot of movement going on behind those counters. Like I don't see a lot of Starbucks employees standing still.

[Allison Rosen]

You wouldn't even see her.

[Giovanni]

Yes, yes. It's just, it's the wrong, it's the wrong fucking place. I mean, it's fine, get yourself a job, you know, as a human cannonball or something. Something with dignity, you know. What I'm saying is not back there and that be some guy's gonna, you're gonna. There's inevitably there's always some lurchy dude works there. Six, eight and a half and four, you know, Steve Agee type, you know, from Sarah Silverman show. There's always some man mountain that's gonna work there. Play it like all he does is say all day that he didn't play any college football. Did you play ball in college? No, I didn't. Like, you know, the big, big nerd syndrome. Yeah, the. Yeah, Brian Posein. Brian Posein type, you know, 6, 9, 300 pound dude whose ass is constantly going to be on the forehead of this poor chick and he's going to step backwards and he's going ass over teakettle with two hands full of hot coffee. Just get her out of there. And I've said it a million times, like really like all the lady firemen and all that kind of stuff. Everyone's all for it. I got kids, I got a dog with narcolepsy. I got to tell you, if my house was on fire, I'd want one of those big strapping dudes from the fucking calendar coming in that front door. Note who is there because we're trying to sleep better, you know, because everyone wants to feel. We want to feel good about ourselves. Give me big strong dude. Give me June, give me Mr. June coming in the place and get the midgets. Get, you know, get them, get them out somewhere youe know, leprechaun effort.

[Allison Rosen]

They could work at a food truck maybe.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, food. Find a place. Not that place. It's fine. It's all right.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Giovanni]

Okay. By the way, do the greeter thing over Walmart.

[Allison Rosen]

I was a greeter. I was a greeter at Sam Goody. Really? Yeah, yeah. Where they used to sell cassette tapes back in the day. And so my job consisted of. Hi, welcome to sim. Hi, welcome to sim. Hi, welcome.

[Giovanni]

Bye.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

You couldn't get the whole thing out?

[Allison Rosen]

No, because I mean when I walk into a store, I don't want someone to say hi to me or bye to me and I certainly am not going to wait.

[Giovanni]

But no, I Was always like, hey, zip it, bitch. Just point me toward Rick Springfield and then our little relationship will be over.

[Ken Burns]

Right?

[Giovanni]

Or Belinda Carlisle. And by the way, how come she only has one section? She should have multiple sections.

[Allison Rosen]

She should have a whole store.

[Giovanni]

She should have a star. This should be called Sam Carlisle.

[Allison Rosen]

Hi, welcome to Sam Goody, where you can get your copy of all of Belinda Carlisle's albums is what it should be.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, yeah.

[Giovanni]

All right, we got our guests to bring in. We're gonna play some blah, blah, blah. I like this.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Alison Rosen, not a midget.

[Corinne Steffens]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Corinne Steffens is coming in. She's a sexpert and an author and she's good looking. Did some. It says danced alongside, so I don't know if that's backup dancer. I don't know. Jay Z, R. Kelly, LL Cool J. You know, all those stiff red headed guys, right? Mm. Appeared in a Vin Diesel film. A Man Apart. I'm wondering, I'm gonna ask her if Backup dancer, like, you know, there's certain things, like when you say stewardess, no one likes it. You can't say postman, the mail carrier. Like there's certain. I wonder if backup dancers don't like the term backup dancer.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of which, I always felt it was. They took a step backwards when waiters became servers. I don't understand why server is the preferred nomenclature.

[Giovanni]

It's not. No, it is. No, you're right. See how I do that? But what happens is when you're angry, all you do is fuck with people. And so you change the whole thing around every once in a while. So you go, so this guy's a Mexican fellow. It's not Mexican, it's Hispanic. And then you go, okay, it's Hispanic. No, he's Latin. And then it's like. And then there was a time, there was a time when there was Chicano. It's basically we're pissed off and so we're gonna fuck with you. And so we'll keep changing things up. So. Kind of reminds me of my sister deciding to spell her name with a Y instead of an E. What is her name? Lauren. It's not gonna help the cause. It's really. It might make you feel better temporarily, but it's not going to fix whatever it is you're trying to fix. I'm not sure what the. I'm not. I don't know what the plan is, but it's not you going from Chicano.

[Allison Rosen]

Then you burn your broth.

[Giovanni]

You're going from Chicano to Latin to whatever is not going to help your folks graduate high school.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Giovanni]

You got bigger fish to fry. And so folks who have jobs where they have to wait on people are pissed off. And so they like to. Like to fix that. So Stewart is server. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Server sounds like cast member at the Disney Store.

[Giovanni]

Server sounds like you work on a fucking plantation. Yeah. Yes. And I remember this. I remember on Loveline once, very clear. I was like, oh, so anyway, I was talking to someone like, so you're a victim of rape. Rape survivor. I was like, okay, you know what I'm saying? Like, I know you're angry, and I know that this happened to you, but don't. I didn't fucking rape you. Now you're raping me with your fucking thesaurus.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't you think it makes sense, though, for rape victims that call themselves survivors, it's emotional way of overcoming that horrible thing.

[Giovanni]

Fuck them.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone already did.

[Adam Carolla]

Why that?

[Giovanni]

I can't help it. She was bitchy about it, and I was just, look, your victim of everything else. You're victim of crime, your victim of violent crime, your victim, whatever. That's what they call your victim, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, not to get personal, but you could be a cancer survivor.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, the thing is this. You changing the terminology is not going to help one fucking iota. Number one. Number two, listen, you can be a victim of hit and run. You can be a victim of many things in this life. I actually, for some reason, when I hear, like, incest survivor or something, survivor, it actually says that they may have had a part in this relationship versus victim. Victim to me always says, wanted, no part. Blameless, Completely blameless. There can be someone, you know, like when they say, like, I'm a survivor of domestic abuse or something, and you think, all right, but you did marry the guy and you were with him for 13 years, and he's a dick and he should be in prison and all that kind of stuff. But there is this element of, what were you doing? What were you doing to me? Victim just means hit and run victim. I don't know. That's me.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm a survivor of bad haircuts.

[Giovanni]

I had a guy call in Loveline once, and I said, so let me get this straight then. You're blind? And he said, I'm seeing impaired. And I said, so, you can see? Can you drive? And he said, no, I can't see. I said, but are you blind, sir? I'm not blind. I'm seeing impaired. I said, impaired means there's degrees of impaired. There's one beer impaired. And there's 12 pack impaired. And there's I can drive, but I have to wear my glasses. And then there's California will not issue me an id. So are you blind? No, I'm seeing impaired. And now I'm confused. And because he needed to establish his position as not blind, it's fucking confusing now because I'm looking for complete darkness versus I can't operate heavy equipment or I can only drive during the daylight hours. You know what I'm saying? So that's when we get into trouble. That's why.

[Allison Rosen]

When they confuse you.

[Giovanni]

This is why rape victims need to be rape victims. Let's play some games. Now that Schwarzenegger's moving on, I'm looking to step inside. And this is going to be one of the planks in my platform. This and the midgets not working coming and midgets not working Starbucks and.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you know, it's a foolproof platform.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, well, you know how Clinton would go out to Fleetwood Macdonald? Stop thinking about them every time I hit the stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Ladies and gentlemen, the next President of the United States, Adam Carolla.

[Giovanni]

Thank you. Now I know there's a lot of so called rape survivors in the audience tonight with this possible gubernatorial candidate begs to differ victims. Now give me a midget I can spill some hot coffee on. Thank you. All right, all right, we'll take a break. We'll be right back. Hi, I'm Don Barris. I'm Mole and I'm Scary Perry. Together we're the Big three. Hey, here's a question for you. What's as all American as apple pie? What? Dan? Watching Perry try to eat an entire piece thing. Harry, do you understand? Shut the up. Do you understand that you have no comic ability? Anyway, join us every Friday for the Big Three podcast on the ACE Broadcasting Network. Check us out live at the Ding Dong Show Monday nights, Big three.

[Yolanda]

Hey, we're the Parent experiment.

[Ken Burns]

Check us out.

[Giovanni]

We talk about all kinds of things.

[Yolanda]

We have comedians, authors, what we talk about.

[Allison Rosen]

We talk about kids nutrition.

[Bald Brian]

We talk about play date etiquette, not.

[Giovanni]

Liking your friend's kids. S and m. Safe words, bestiality, nutrition.

[Bald Brian]

Adoption, raising your kids in an interfaith relationship.

[Allison Rosen]

Just everything.

[Giovanni]

Tune in. Yeah. Back with Corinne Stevens, bestselling author and sexpert Satisfaction erotic fantasies for the advance and the adventurous couple. Nice to see you, Corinne.

[Bald Brian]

Good to see you.

[Giovanni]

You're. I was asking off the air. Is backup dancer bad a bad thing? I mean, were you a Backup dancer?

[Bald Brian]

I don't know.

[Giovanni]

Were backup dancers. Do they not like being called backup dancers? Is there a name for them?

[Bald Brian]

I don't know. I really don't know.

[Giovanni]

But you danced alongside J.C. and ours. Kelly.

[Bald Brian]

More of like an alongside dancer.

[Giovanni]

Huh?

[Bald Brian]

I wasn't really backing up anyone. It's kind of like everyone's just kind of random and alongside is a great word. So.

[Giovanni]

Alongside. Yeah. Like if you said backup singers, they'd go assistant vocalist or something. Something like that, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

No, just. Just like some chick dancing to the side of you.

[Giovanni]

In a former life.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, when I was a dog.

[Giovanni]

I mean, as a. As a. Just a hot dancing chick who's in a video. Would we see you in videos?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you know, I did music videos for about nine months between the year 2000 and 2000 and 2001. Maybe a little bit. No. 2000. 2001, yeah. And that was that.

[Giovanni]

And that was it. You didn't like it?

[Bald Brian]

No, not that I didn't like it. It was. It was a phase. It was, you know, it was just something to do at the time. I was new to LA and I needed a job and I was cute, right. And that was kind of like the thing someone, you know, one of those things like, you know, you're. You're. Someone stops you on the street and says, hey, I have a job for you.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

You know, and here's my number. And show up at this video set, you know, tomorrow. It was Hype Williams, who was a well known video director.

[Giovanni]

Sure.

[Bald Brian]

And has gone on to film and other things. And he's like, yeah, just show up. And I did.

[Giovanni]

Could you dance?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I was. I was a dancer before that.

[Giovanni]

So what's your. What's your backstory? Where did you come from?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, you want the backstory? Then you have to buy the first book. All right. That's a whole long. But basically, I'm from. Where did I come from? Out of space. I'm from an island called St. Thomas, which is about 30 miles long in the middle of the Pacific. And so I'm a long way from home. And, you know, I had this whole. I've had like 17 lives, but as far as LA is concerned, I moved here with my son and at the end of 99, and video dancing was the first thing that I did for that first year. I didn't have a job, I didn't have, you know, anything. I was living in a hotel. I had just gotten here with my kid, you know, and that was kind of the first thing I Did.

[Giovanni]

And from the Virgin Islands or from.

[Bald Brian]

No, I've been other places. Yeah, it was like I was in the VI and then I was in Florida. I was in New York. My dad's from Brooklyn. I was in Scottsdale. I have, like I told you, 17 lives.

[Giovanni]

Like, hot chicks travel a lot, ugly chicks go. I've been living in Minnesota, coming on 41 years, I never left the end of this driveway. Hot chicks are like, they're always in Florida. Somewhere around Florida. There's always a little Florida, right? And then it's New York. I was in New York. I was in Manhattan for a while, then I went to Florida. Then I met a guy. Then I went to. I went to Phoenix for a while and at some point end up in la.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. And then I drove to la. Took a six hour drive to LA with my kid, you know, and I've been here ever since. It's been about 11 years.

[Giovanni]

And when did the. When did you get bitten by the writing bug?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, I've been writing since I was five. My first book I wrote, it was about kindergarten and I was five. It was 80 pages long.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Bald Brian]

Wow. I've been writing all my life. So HarperCollins offered me a deal. I hadn't written the book yet. I hadn't even shopped a book. HarperCollins came to me in 2005, January of 05, and asked me to write my first book. And that was an instant New York Times bestseller. So was the second. So was the third. The first one took us all the way to Oprah. That was this huge smash. And that was great. We did.

[Allison Rosen]

What was that?

[Bald Brian]

That was Confessions of a Video Vixen. That was my first autobiography. I have two of them. Because again, I've had like 17 lives.

[Giovanni]

Sure.

[Bald Brian]

And so. Yeah. And that's how that kind of started. So this is book number four.

[Giovanni]

Book number four. And you can go to, by the way, you can go to Amazon and pre order it. And I read here, get a signed insert and a pair of Corinne's panties. But not ones that, that you've jogged around the block in.

[Bald Brian]

Maybe. It depends on if I get. If someone asks, you gotta, you gotta.

[Giovanni]

You know what? You gotta do the one golden ticket one. Because otherwise people think just go down the 99 cent store and buy bushel panties. One of them.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you come by a bushel?

[Giovanni]

They do, yeah. One of them at the 99 cent store. You gotta say one of these. I actually, I did one of those. I did one of those sweaty yoga.

[Bald Brian]

Classes in, you know, What? I think that you're onto something. These are actually. Some are crotchlets, some are just thongs, and they're butterfly panties and bejeweled. And they're really beautiful. You know, I wear them.

[Giovanni]

The crotchless panty seems to me like a bottomless bucket. It doesn't seem like a great invention. I understand it's not supposed to be practical, but it seems like even that, you know, I like a panties much as the next guy. I don't. I don't mind the crotch on the panties because I like that when the panties come off, the panties stay on. What do we. What do we got here?

[Bald Brian]

You know, you have crotchless panties, then. Yeah, you have crotchless panties. But I do. I think that crotchless panties, of course, they are not practical.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

But I think that there's something very awesome and romantic and sexy and, you know, when a woman comes home and maybe, you know, your husband's thinking, this is just another regular day, she's gonna come home, take off her pantyhose, you know, flip her shoes off and put on her sweats. And then you pop out the bathroom in some crotchless panties, and it's just like, where the hell did you get those?

[Allison Rosen]

I sometimes pop out of the bathroom in crotchless sweats.

[Bald Brian]

That's sweet.

[Allison Rosen]

They're like. They're like chaps, but they're sweats.

[Giovanni]

I like.

[Bald Brian]

That's so selfish.

[Allison Rosen]

All the sexiness, none of the work.

[Giovanni]

I had a bad experience with the edible panties once.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, do tell.

[Giovanni]

Well, I'm just saying, Salisbury steak is not, you know, I understand cherry, strawberry, stuff like that. You know, lavender settings. The Salisbury steak with the. With those pinto beans.

[Adam Carolla]

The balsamic reduction was too bad.

[Giovanni]

It was just heavy. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You're not in the mood for sex.

[Giovanni]

At Lima Beans and Salisbury steak. I just really wanted to just unbutton my. Undo my belt, watch TV like Al Bundy. Yeah, bad idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Can we ask Corinne about some of the titles of chapters in this book which Lynn and Al were telling me about before? So, publicist, what is the One man gangbang?

[Adam Carolla]

The worst.

[Allison Rosen]

I would think that you need a whole bunch of guys for a real gangbang.

[Bald Brian]

Well, see, the thing about satisfaction is that it was written for couples. And I wrote this book when I was married. And One Man Gang Bang is actually something that my husband invented.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

I saw his picture up at the patent office, and I wasn't sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Or the post office.

[Giovanni]

Or the post office. Yeah. I didn't know he was the grandfather of the one man gangbang.

[Allison Rosen]

What was it like being with an inventor?

[Bald Brian]

It was amazing. Of course, I had to perfect the patent, which means I had to get divorced and try it elsewhere. And so now I perfected it. I have. Huh.

[Allison Rosen]

What is it, though?

[Bald Brian]

The one man gang bang.

[Giovanni]

So now that it's Thomas Edison Peyronie's disease. Go ahead.

[Bald Brian]

It's a way for you to have different sexual partners without having different sexual partners. The idea of the book is to have these fantasies come to life inside of your relationship and to not feel the need to go outside of your relationship to have these fantasies. And so all you need really is a little bit of imagination. And with this particular one, it's a lot of hard work because the man has to adapt different styles, maybe different voices. You know, I would suggest the woman is kind of face down, ass up position. She doesn't see him. And so therefore it's like a puppet show, but from behind. And so he's just like doing all these different characters and he's changing his stroke.

[Giovanni]

But what if you can't pull it off? If, you know, like, I don't do accents.

[Bald Brian]

Well, yes, you.

[Giovanni]

I always sound like. I just sound like me or Gilbert Godfrey and you just start singing.

[Bald Brian]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

What about Avi?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. The head of ll and Tavis Smile. I do Tab A smiley. See?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's a culinary expert and a terrorist.

[Giovanni]

He's out of security over it.

[Bald Brian]

Your wife is in for.

[Giovanni]

So I just come from. This is Avi Sorney. It put us up in air and I fuck from behind. Yes, yes, yes. I drink. I need to. I'm drinking a goat based beverage. I need to sit down on Krakow. Is that. Yes, that's good.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, good.

[Allison Rosen]

When does he switch?

[Giovanni]

Take it. Well, take all of Avi.

[Bald Brian]

You take it.

[Giovanni]

You can't handle all of Avi. And by the way, you're puss of ex husband. He. He claims he invented the one man gang bang. Avi invented that in high school. You understand?

[Adam Carolla]

You are such a whore. Let me see that egg.

[Allison Rosen]

Now. When would the next man.

[Giovanni]

I'm profiling your taint.

[Ken Burns]

Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry.

[Bald Brian]

I have to put gloves on for this.

[Giovanni]

Sorry. So use the different, like wear like a Daniel Boone outfit or something or mix it up a little.

[Bald Brian]

Well, you know, you can do that. But I think that to answer your question, you know, you switch it up when you're done doing Avi. I just feel like you know when to switch. When she's had enough, when she's at her peak. And Avi's getting her off and she's screaming your name and you're. And then you switch.

[Giovanni]

That's when I go to Bill Simmons, the sports guy. And then.

[Bald Brian]

And then the key is to say next. You're yelling out next.

[Giovanni]

You yell next or I yell next.

[Bald Brian]

You yell out next.

[Giovanni]

Do I yell it as me or Avi?

[Bald Brian]

Avi.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Avi's yelling.

[Giovanni]

Hey, I'm Bill Simmons, ESPN sports guy. Hope you don't mind my keyboard on your ass crack here. Thomas Ian Brady, I've been worshiping you from afar for many. Baby, hold still. I can't top with all this fucking going on. Hold on. Delete, delete. Go sex. Go. Go past go sex. Sorry.

[Bald Brian]

And right when she's getting off on that, which I'm sure she will, that is for sure. Very sexy. Then you switch to your next character.

[Giovanni]

Who is Tavis Smile.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You have to yell next as Bill Simmons.

[Giovanni]

Next. Now, Cameron smiling. Do not kid yourself. There is a woman being abused in this country every five seconds. Now, it's easy to look over the seas and cast judgment upon other cultures. But let's not kid ourselves. The mean streets are destroyed or every bit is meant. Stop moving your ass for a bust a nut on the smaller back. The mean street. What does I say? I'm saying you cannot judge the Middle east until you find a mirror to look into and judge yourself. There is just as much domestic abuse going on on our source and our schools and our neighborhoods and our churches. I like when they get on our raw and on 99 cent store and our 711 and there is in Canada. Huh. So, dude. And by the way, in terms of finding a mirror, I wasn't kidding. That was not a. That was not a metaphor. I like to in front of a mirror right now.

[Bald Brian]

Next.

[Giovanni]

Next. Next.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Donald Trump.

[Giovanni]

Hold on. Bill Ma needs a blowjob. No, let me go suck off Bill Ma. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone here went out with Bill Maher.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Bald Brian]

Adam, you never told us that. That you went out with Bill Ma. I was going to ask you the same thing.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it was not. Adam.

[Giovanni]

I know he likes his ladies exotic looking. And you are that baby out with Bill Maher. That must have been horrible. God, him yelling you for not laughing when he told the joke.

[Bald Brian]

I always laugh when Bill.

[Allison Rosen]

I laugh.

[Giovanni]

You learn quick. You learn quick.

[Bald Brian]

I laugh to this day.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Not a good guy to date.

[Bald Brian]

Wonderful guy today.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. Bill is one of the great loves of my life.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Bald Brian]

And still one of my really dear friends.

[Giovanni]

How long did you Guys go out.

[Bald Brian]

I don't remember.

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Giovanni]

How long.

[Bald Brian]

How long was it?

[Allison Rosen]

I think it was. Was in a couple years, something like that.

[Bald Brian]

Like a year.

[Allison Rosen]

It was flingy thing.

[Bald Brian]

No, it wasn't a flingy thing. It was a thing thing. It was. It was a big thing. And.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And to this day he's. He's one. He's my guy. I love Bill.

[Giovanni]

I think Bill's a really talented, really funny guy, but I don't see him as a fan of the ladies. Really? You don't see him treating them that.

[Ken Burns]

That really.

[Giovanni]

Did he treat you well?

[Bald Brian]

Yes, he did better. Better than anyone else.

[Giovanni]

Wow.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, he was great.

[Giovanni]

Better than anyone else.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Boy, that's. That's tough. When Bill. I mean, when Bill Mars at the top of your Sir Walter Raleigh pyramid, that's. That blows ass.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe there's a sensitive side to him that we don't know. There's a sense like a dick.

[Bald Brian]

There's a sensitive side to him. Of course, you wouldn't know because you're not. Not a beautiful woman in his grasp. So.

[Giovanni]

Well, we get along fine. I just.

[Bald Brian]

Fine as him and I got along.

[Giovanni]

Oh, really?

[Bald Brian]

Probably, yeah. I mean, we have different.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you do chapter eight Glory hole with him?

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

What is that?

[Bald Brian]

Glory hole is something that. Which is very great. When you go into these movie houses, these triple X movie houses, sometimes you'll find a hole in the wall between. Inside the glory hole, in the partition between, you know, each room. There's sometimes these holes.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And let's.

[Giovanni]

Let's clarify this. These are gay houses. These aren't for straight folks.

[Bald Brian]

Not necessarily.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yes, I know. AIDS isn't necessarily for the gays either, but 99% okay.

[Bald Brian]

So not necessarily. Same thing. Okay. If you. You would know.

[Giovanni]

No, no. Straight guy goes, we don't leave the house to beat off anymore. We don't have to. They go to meet dudes.

[Bald Brian]

That's the glory hole within a relationship. It's. And I've done this. It's really fun to go with your husband into one of those weird sticky, icky places, put, you know, your dollar in the slot and turn on a nasty movie and he can stick his cock through the glory hole and bang you from the other side of the partition while you both are watching porn. It's really exhilarating.

[Giovanni]

I would need a disposable glory hole donut. Like sanitary. Now, first of all, there's no danger of me scraping the side of the glory hole, but if I got moving fast enough, who knows? I could slip on some chiz and drag the cock along some CDX plywood covered in some other guy's spunk.

[Adam Carolla]

Better be a pretty thin donut.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that'd be. That'd be bad.

[Bald Brian]

I would recommend. If you're going to a public place.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Bald Brian]

If you're going to a public place using a condom, not for your wife, of course, but for the fact that you're in a public. Public place.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

And it makes it even more exciting because then you can pretend you're a stranger with this rubber. Most married people.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, here's the. Here's the problem with that. And me is. Well, first off, you know, I'm handy. So maybe I could build, you know, like a glory hole into my bedroom.

[Bald Brian]

And have directions in the book on.

[Allison Rosen]

How to build one ace on the house episode.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, well, you. Pretty. Now you have directions. You have, like, a schematic on how we have.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, we have directions on how to build a glory hole in your home.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna guess that the proper bit. And I would use a paddle bit, flat bit to drill my glory hole. I would not an auger style. That's an expensive bit. It's messy and it'll tear up the plywood. Sorry. I would say. I'd go. I'd go the. I'd go to inch and three quarter to two inch. Okay. On my flat bit. I mean, I don't need that much space. But I'm just saying you want a little wiggle room in your glory hole.

[Bald Brian]

You do. You don't want. You want to be able to all also fit your balls in your glory hall.

[Giovanni]

Oh, you do. Oh, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So.

[Giovanni]

Well, I gotta get a jigsaw out for that.

[Bald Brian]

She can suck and fondle your balls simultaneously while she's either giving you head or backing up on it.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like you should be speaking.

[Giovanni]

To kids and not wasting your time. Well. Oh, so you're saying glory hole. Gotta get the balls through there.

[Bald Brian]

It's nice because other than that, you end up slapping your balls against the partition, too. And that can be hurtful and painful and dangerous. Dangerous.

[Allison Rosen]

Dangerous.

[Giovanni]

Good point.

[Bald Brian]

Dangerous.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Slapping.

[Giovanni]

Slapping your balls against plywood for 40 minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

Break.

[Giovanni]

Listen, you take your balls and let me slap them against a piece of plywood for half an hour. Tell me how you feel about it. You're right. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You want to put your balls in there, too. So I would make a go. We have directions and you know, the kind of size you might want to be able to, you know, stick everything in there.

[Giovanni]

Wow. I've not only had my eye open, but my glory hole enlarged by this discussion because I had no plans of putting my balls through the glory hole.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, put your balls through the glory hole.

[Allison Rosen]

You've been doing it wrong all these years, Adam.

[Giovanni]

All the years I've been hanging around those places where heterosexual guys go to beat off instead of their computer. And I've been shoving my balls. There's such a thing as a glove. They're all. Let me tell you something. There is one. One Pussycat Theater left in existence in Southern California. One. Anyone want to guess where it might be?

[Adam Carolla]

Malibu.

[Giovanni]

Wrong. Where it keep going. Canoga Park.

[Allison Rosen]

Coda de causa.

[Giovanni]

No. Boys Town on Santa Monica Boulevard. Why? Because soon as the VCR was invented, heterosexual guys said to all their jack buddies, I'll see you down the road. We will no longer congregate anymore to beat off. But the gays went, hey, why do you have to beat your own meat when I could be sucking you off? And we can make a daisy train. And thus, there was one Pussycat Theater left, and that's in Boys Town on Santa Monica, by the way. I drove down. I drove from la. I drove from downtown. I did ESPN downtown la, to the pub restaurant in the middle of. Toward the end of Boys Town there. And I drove down. I took Santa Monica almost all the way. I got off the freeway over there in Hollywood, over by Western or whatever, and took Santa Monica, turned, basically went from Tijuana to the fucking Epcot Center. Like, as soon as you pulled in, there's, like, fucking ponies and rainbows and a big fountain and rolling hills. And by the way, when you get off down on west, it's fucking Tijuana. Just a bunch of Mexicans dragging around pinatas and busted shopping carts selling fucking frozen shit on the street. And then all of a sudden, you get the boys down and you're like. So anytime anyone wants to bash the gays, just go down there and see how much better they are than we are. See how much fucking better that stretch of highway is than anything else in the world.

[Allison Rosen]

They know what they're doing.

[Giovanni]

Yes, but your husband, you say, invented the one.

[Bald Brian]

It was something that we did at home.

[Giovanni]

Mm, I see.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

And Bill Maher, did you ever bring him out to experience the wonder and amazement of the Glory Hole?

[Bald Brian]

No, Bill and I never did any of the things that are in this.

[Giovanni]

Book, I believe, because Bill's like, first off, I don't want to be walking through the gay bar heading over to the Glory Hole Hey, PI. Yeah, it's great. When are you going to have Nigranis back? Yeah. Awesome. Oh, when he was. All right, Bill wants to use the glory hole. Let's douche it out. Sorry, Bill. Big fan. Big fan.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, no, Bill and I never did any of these. These are for. And the title, Erotic Fantasies for Advanced and Adventurous Couple. That comes from my third book, the Vixen Manual, wherein as we had a sex chapter in the middle of that book, and I guess my readership wanted more sex. And so this was. This is kind of a complement to that book. But in that sex chapter, we had positions for average couple, advanced couples and adventurous couples. And so, like, for instance, a regular 69 laying down, boring 69 versus maybe an advanced 69, which would be a standing up 69.

[Giovanni]

Right. I found a gal who can hold my weight.

[Bald Brian]

And then the adventurous 69, where you're actually walking around and doing it at the same time, traveling.

[Giovanni]

Someone's gonna knock on the door. Someone's gonna knock on the door.

[Bald Brian]

You gotta answer the door.

[Giovanni]

Hold on, let me move my wife's labia. No, sir. What do you call that? The Watchtower. Not interested. Sorry. Not interested.

[Bald Brian]

So in this, all these fantasies are very advanced and very adventurous. They're not for pussies. Well, they are for pussies, but the.

[Giovanni]

Glory hole, I mean, we're already that.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like that's another nothing compared to the virginity. Losing your virginity. Oh, this one's just gross.

[Bald Brian]

It's disgusting.

[Giovanni]

Let's hear it.

[Bald Brian]

Well, losing your virginity, some men and females have, you know, virgin ketchup packet.

[Giovanni]

Well, no, keep going. I'm intrigued.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a behind action, though.

[Giovanni]

I'm intrigued. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So of course, there are a few ways to pretend that one is a virgin if she is not. We talk about soaking in either Epsom salt. We talk about vinegar, which tightens up. Up the vaginals. I think we might talk about Kegels. Also exercises to make your vagina tighter. Not having sex.

[Allison Rosen]

Doing them right now.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, me too.

[Bald Brian]

Not having sex for a while.

[Ken Burns]

Of course.

[Bald Brian]

So it's not stretched out and flabby when he gets in there. We also discuss.

[Giovanni]

Hold on. Dr. Drew would scream at you right now with the stretched out and flabby. Because you're having sex. Your vagina doesn't get stretched out.

[Bald Brian]

It does. Well, if you're having sex, let's say, the night before, and you're trying to. This virginity thing in the morning.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Well, you give it a break. You give it a break, Drew. He's very.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. I'm so sorry. So, yeah. You don't want to have sex like, five minutes before and then say, oh, let's do the virginity thing.

[Giovanni]

Now.

[Bald Brian]

You're still kind of.

[Giovanni]

But it's not taffy. It snaps back.

[Bald Brian]

It does snap back. So give it time to snap back. You want to soak. We women, I have, at least in my family, was taught inadvertently, just by hearing the adults talk about it. Soaking and, like, Epsom salt and ginger gingerbread.

[Allison Rosen]

I never do any of that.

[Bald Brian]

It just kind of, you know, that.

[Giovanni]

Was passed on inadvertently.

[Bald Brian]

It's not as if we had, like, a conversation about it, but inadvertently.

[Allison Rosen]

Like you overheard a conversation. Like, my vagina is so, like, floppy and loose. I need to sit. Insult.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, get the drop.

[Giovanni]

See, I would have. I would overhear these conversations. The boy wants a ride to Van Nuys. Well, I'm not going to do it. Well, I sure shall. Ain't gonna do it. That was about the end of it.

[Bald Brian]

And the best part about the virginity fantasy is waiting until you're on your period to have sex with your husband so that there's actual blood so he can feel as if he's broken your hymen.

[Giovanni]

Mm. No. I like that. Yeah. And then there's the full on. I mean, they do the whole restoration thing.

[Bald Brian]

We talk about that, too, actually. Going in, getting surgery. We talked about that also in the third book, the Vixen Manual. Going in and getting surgery and fixing. Making it new again.

[Giovanni]

Sure.

[Bald Brian]

And then breaking it again. I don't know why you want it. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I have to say something on behalf of hymens out there. It doesn't always bleed the first time.

[Bald Brian]

No, it doesn't.

[Giovanni]

Interesting.

[Bald Brian]

It doesn't. Depends on, I guess. The penis, maybe.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, and horseback riding and the balance.

[Giovanni]

You want to talk about Jewish camp or not? So where do you come down on all these. Of vaginal plastic, like, all this stuff?

[Bald Brian]

I think some women need it. I've seen some giant pussies. How I've had. You know, I had a girlfriend of mine spend that at my house, take a shower at my house, and then just walk around my room with a giant posy. Giant vagina.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Bald Brian]

Giant vagina. I mean, her lips were hanging down.

[Allison Rosen]

Getting lost up there.

[Bald Brian]

Things were missing when she left. Things were missing.

[Giovanni]

Oh, interesting.

[Ken Burns]

Klepto.

[Allison Rosen]

Pussy.

[Bald Brian]

It's like every time she sat down, like, the cushion would come with her.

[Giovanni]

Look at her. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You know what I mean? A giant vagina. And she had happened to be Having sex with a ballplayer who I heard had a giant penis.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And had been having sex with him since she was a teenager. And now she's a grown person. And I don't know, maybe that I'm not sure. I'm not. She didn't have any children, so I wasn't sure what had happened.

[Giovanni]

Now, which golfer was this?

[Bald Brian]

It wasn't a golfer.

[Giovanni]

What? Now I'm confused. Ballplayer since she was a teenager. Pba.

[Allison Rosen]

So she got.

[Giovanni]

Oh, wait a minute. Pro bowling.

[Bald Brian]

I think she's still walking around with a giant vagina. But I would recommend the vaginoplasty.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, but your nana would have had a cure for that, right? Right. In the tub with the vinegar.

[Bald Brian]

In the absence, my nana might have performed surgery on the kitchen table. And that vagina was huge. There's no amount of soaking that was going to save that vagina.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Giovanni]

So what now? Do you think that the baller stretched it out a little bit or, you.

[Bald Brian]

Know, I mean, my theory. And of course, I'm not Dr. Drew.

[Giovanni]

I'm sitting down. Yes.

[Bald Brian]

I'm not Dr. Drew.

[Giovanni]

Hold on, let me get a pen out.

[Bald Brian]

I'm not a medic, so I don't. I don't know. But my theory was if you're having sex with a huge dong, since you're a teenager and now you're in your mid-30s, and this has been, you know, this is going on all the. I'm guessing it doesn't help.

[Giovanni]

That's my theory about why the gays talk funny. You got that huge dong just smashing into your soft palate every night for hours. That's gonna affect your speech.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Like a tongue piercing.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Affects people's speech.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Or being a boxer. You know what I mean? Little drunk. She tasted like champagne. Spunk drunk. That's all. Yeah. We make a good team, me and you. You single right now? I am with a man.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, the question. I'm not married.

[Giovanni]

Not married, but she ain't a man.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the One Man Gangbang?

[Giovanni]

Yeah. I like that guy.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that guy's gone. But, you know, I'm not married.

[Giovanni]

Just living off residuals with the One man gangbang.

[Bald Brian]

I've taught it. I've taught it to someone else. I teach. I teach. I'm a teacher.

[Giovanni]

It's gonna be funny when that guy's sitting in hell next to the guy who invented. What are you in here? I was a guy. Invented putting cheese in the crust of pizza. I invented the One Man Gang bang. All right, well, anyway. Ow. It's hot. It's gonna be awesome. This guy's just the corner. Hell of super shitty inventions. I'm the pioneer of the. What'd you. What'd you do? I did the pet rock and I did the football phone. So anyone who signed up for si. Anyway. There we go.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a good run there in the 80s, but I had a feeling this was coming anyway past the sunblock.

[Giovanni]

I came up with liquid paper, but it was purple, so I made almost no money. Just hello kitty pads and things like that. Nine year olds don't correct their notes that often. I don't feel like I should be in with you guys. You guys are criminals. All right. Should we do a little Blah blah blog?

[Allison Rosen]

Let's do it.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, this is. Well, I think the setup of Blah blah blah will explain how the game is played. Corinne. Okay.

[Corinne Steffens]

It'S time for Blah Blah Blah, the game where we match the celebrity with their online rant. Let's play. Well, Ace man, I must tell you that this round of Blah blah Blog is brought to you by Draft Street Daily Fantasy sports leagues. For cash prizes, thousands awarded every night, go to DraftStreet.com and use the promo code ADAM for a $30 bonus.

[Giovanni]

Draft Street. Alright, here we go.

[Corinne Steffens]

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what the future will hold for my twins and what kind of world they'll live in. I'm extremely thankful that I'll be able to provide for them. But I realize that right now, a lot of parents in this country are struggling to give their kids even the most basic necessities of life, such as food. I think back to my own childhood, when we sometimes had to visit food banks to get food on our table. I know firsthand what it feels like to have to overcome the feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment and shame and ask for help. It's one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to face. Is it Nick Cannon, Donald Trump, actor Ken Zhong, or Russell Simmons?

[Giovanni]

Like Russell Simmons because he does three hours of like, Pilates and then he does his Buddha. He prays to Buddha for four hours and then he shits in a golden toilet and calls it. It calls it a day. Ken Jung, great guy. He's a doctor.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

And I think his parents were educated. I don't see him hanging around in the food bank.

[Bald Brian]

Plus, he's Asian.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, he's Asian. And plus he's not gonna do one of these jack off things. There's a lot of folks out there that don't have food. It's really sort almost Bruce Springsteen esque in there. It's so courageous to talk about a lot of folks out there that don't have food, and it makes everyone a fucking hero. So I'm going to take Ken off there, but this is me. You guys play it the way you want to do. This is not smart enough for Russell Simmons. I'm going to go with Mrs. Mariah Carey. Nick Cannon.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll say Russell. I don't really have an inkling. I'm just going to go different than you.

[Giovanni]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

I am also torn between Russell and Nick Cannon, and I would like to go Annie Lennox, but she's not up there.

[Giovanni]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

So I am gonna go. Gosh. I'm going. Does Russell Simmons even have twins? I guess you guys can't answer that question.

[Giovanni]

I'm guessing all these guys have twins. Otherwise, I'm going Nick Cannon. That's. Yeah, you go Nick Cannon.

[Allison Rosen]

Nick Cannon.

[Giovanni]

All right.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Corinne, what do you think?

[Bald Brian]

I'm going Nick. I know Nick just had the twins, and I know he's been trying to feed, like, other people's kids or something. And Mariah's footing the bill. I don't know. Something's going on with that.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I'll go with Nick on this one.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, definitely.

[Giovanni]

Here we go.

[Corinne Steffens]

The blog belongs to Nick Cannon.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. There you go, Nick. All right, we all got one ball. Brian down one. Here we go.

[Corinne Steffens]

On Facebook, ladies night out never ends with you getting cornered by a former Arizona State sorority girl who was two mojitos past dullard. On Facebook, the valet doesn't lose your dirty honda for 20 minutes while you calculate how much sleep you'll get if there's no traffic on the way home. On Facebook, it's all sombreros and private jokes and close ups of sushi and magnificent, unattainable, bourbon hued camaraderie. Your online free friends have more community, more sisterhood, more fun than you do. Thanks to scientists at Stanford, we pretty much have proof that social networking is bumming us out. Is it Robin? Quivers.

[Giovanni]

Interesting.

[Corinne Steffens]

Teresa Strasser.

[Giovanni]

Oh, our own Teresa.

[Corinne Steffens]

Or Alyssa Milano.

[Giovanni]

Way too smart for Alyssa Milano. And Robin as well. This is very well written. And Theresa is the best writer of the bunch. I love Robin. I don't know Alyssa. Figures. I don't know. The hot one of the group. Sorry, Teresa, you're easy on the eyes as well. And Robin as well. But let's face it, I've been digging her since who's the boss Point is this way too, way too smart for Alyssa Milano. She's busy selling New York Giant sweatshirts.

[Adam Carolla]

I believe it's Teresa Strachan. I'll tell you why. The phrase bumming us out. I think she gleaned that off you over years of you talking about don't bum your kids out.

[Giovanni]

Well, yeah, this is.

[Adam Carolla]

You said it so many times, I think she just slipped it in every day.

[Giovanni]

Well, too. Way too well written for the other two on the group. As much as I love Robin, she's not a wordsmith like Teresa, so I'm going to Teresa Strasser.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going Teresa as well.

[Giovanni]

Mm.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I'm gonna say Teresa.

[Giovanni]

All right.

[Corinne Steffens]

The blog belongs to Teresa's trouser.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I mean, that's really good writing.

[Bald Brian]

So basically we're saying the other two are Alyssa Milano's.

[Giovanni]

Alyssa Milano and Robin's. I mean, Robin's really good at what she does, but that's not what she does.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Giovanni]

Well, that's the work of a wordsmith there. That's not just someone who's bright, who's decided to take pen to paper. That's someone who's very good. That's an accomplished writer's work there. Do you remember Bourbon? Huge camaraderie. I mean, that's a ride. That's. A writer comes up with that. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember the episode of who's the Boss? Where Samantha got her first hickey?

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Just wanted to see.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Next one.

[Giovanni]

She was hot in those bib overalls.

[Bald Brian]

She's pregnant now, isn't she?

[Giovanni]

Little Tom girl. Yeah, she is.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, she is.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. The guy who invented the one man gang bang strikes again.

[Allison Rosen]

David, big agent.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Corinne Steffens]

For most of us, it isn't until we become adults that we come to understand how much our mothers have done for us.

[Giovanni]

Gotta be a nice. You know those things like. Like when a woman gets a black eye because her dude backhands her and then she goes to work. What happened, Sheila? I tripped. The floor was wet, and I hit my spouse. You know, have to do that. Well, the guy who's hanging around the glory holes. Tim, More splinters in the forehead. What the. I was staying in the deck. And that's all I want to say. Yeah, I mean, you got to come up with something. Big, flat red spot on your nose and forehead with splinters in it. Listen, Tim, I used to do a lot of shear walling. I was a carpenter. I can see a struck one stamp. CDX fly. Good one side. That stamp. It's actually on your forehead. Yeah, I fell asleep on the deck again. Damn. Putting that Thompson's water seal. You know, things got vapors. Knock you out. Oh, knock you out like Mike Tyson. That's where they found me. Anyway, that's enough of that.

[Adam Carolla]

How was your weekend?

[Giovanni]

I'll tell you what I didn't do. I surely did not have my face pressed against a piece of plywood for four hours straight and balls deep in a glory hole. If you ask me what I did do, I'm gonna tell you what I didn't do. Okay? All right. So moving on. Next topic. Glory. It'd be great SNL character. Glory hole excuse guy.

[Bald Brian]

But now I'm wondering if midgets have glory holes.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Because are glory holes just for certain people of a certain height? Are they. Are they discriminatory?

[Giovanni]

Well, I mean, a lot of good gay bars will keep an apple box or two in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Really.

[Giovanni]

You know, they're courteous. Courtesy. And by the way, again, and I'm not a glory hole designer, but I could possibly be one after this. I will say this. If you're going to put the midget glory hole, move it not only down but to the left. I mean, let's not put it directly under that glory hole. Gravity being what it is, you know, fluids running downhill. I'm saying you don't want that. You know what I mean? No one wants a damp glory hole.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Wants some might, actually.

[Giovanni]

I'm just saying, you go down 17 and a half inches and a full 32 to the left.

[Allison Rosen]

Got it.

[Giovanni]

And by. By the way, what if your glory. The glory hole's being occupied. You know what I mean? You're supposed to squeeze in there and get your little man's glory hole going. No, you pull up to the side like a urinal. They don't stack them.

[Allison Rosen]

Put them next to each other. They're not bunk holes.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, they're not bunk holes. They're glory holes.

[Bald Brian]

I see another career in your future.

[Giovanni]

Oh, yeah, could design.

[Bald Brian]

I'm thoroughly impressed. We should collaborate on some sort of glory hole book.

[Giovanni]

Pull out something, some city pull the permits on the glory holes, you design them. And I'm not a draft person, but hold on a second. I'm going to draw a glory hole. You ready? Done.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Giovanni]

I just drew a glory hole.

[Bald Brian]

That is almost perfect.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. I don't need one of those mechanical pencils and thing with the arm on it and a table or anything.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't need a compass?

[Giovanni]

No. All right, I'm sorry. Where were we, Dawson?

[Corinne Steffens]

Well, for most of us, yes. It isn't until we become adults that we have that we come to understand how much our mothers have done for us, how they always put us first and have our best interest at heart. Throughout my life, my mother has always been my biggest champion. Champion. She encouraged me to pursue my dreams, gave me the confidence to overcome every obstacle, and held my hand through every one of life's harder moments. My mother is my constant, my best friend.

[Giovanni]

I need a trash can to vomit into. How would I know that my mom's my biggest fan? Did you do what Doctor Who? Yeah.

[Corinne Steffens]

Is it Dancing with the Stars? Carrie Ann and I? Marlo Thomas.

[Giovanni]

Huh?

[Corinne Steffens]

Or Eva Longoria Parker.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna go Eva Longoria. Just because she makes me want to puke all the time. I don't know why. I don't know who decided she was sexy or funny or anything. Here's what she is. She's cute and she can regurgitate words. She's not a star. She's not a big actress. She did one shitty movie. I'm tired of her popping up everywhere, and somehow I'm tired of her being better friends with Mario Lopez. Always bothers me.

[Allison Rosen]

You want to be best friends with Mario?

[Giovanni]

I am best friends with Mario Lopez.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. Back to the back. Ever since the AC Slater days.

[Giovanni]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Carrie. Anna.

[Giovanni]

Carrie. Marlo Thomas is a weird one in there. Carrie Ann does a lot of that stuff, too. I don't know. What do you guys. What do you guys think?

[Adam Carolla]

The blind. The blind mother support. You know, I mean, always sort of means wildly overconfident.

[Giovanni]

Car.

[Adam Carolla]

Carrie Ann feels like someone's very, very, very confident.

[Giovanni]

She is wildly confident.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I would go Marlo, except it's. My mother is my constant, my best friend. And do we think Marlo Thomas's mother is still alive?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that was my thought. No, Mom's dead.

[Giovanni]

All right, so Carrie Ann or who else we have there?

[Allison Rosen]

Eva Longoria.

[Giovanni]

Eva Longoria. She not Parker anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever. I'm going Eva Longoria.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, then I'm going to go with that Carrie Ann check. Just to be different.

[Giovanni]

Damn. I'm going Carrie Ann, too.

[Corinne Steffens]

The blog belongs to Carrie Ann.

[Giovanni]

Well, seeing. So we only got about five minutes left in the show, and I'm up three, and nobody else has three. I'm gonna go ahead and declare myself the winner. Thank you very.

[Bald Brian]

Wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

They just gave me three.

[Giovanni]

Oh.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, yeah, buddy.

[Giovanni]

Damn it.

[Bald Brian]

All right, time.

[Allison Rosen]

Sudden death.

[Giovanni]

Sudden glory.

[Corinne Steffens]

All right.

[Bald Brian]

I can't wait to come Back here and see a glory in here with.

[Corinne Steffens]

The arrival of Thor and those Pirates of the Caribbean. Summer movie season is upon us, even though the calendar says it's still spring. I have nothing against popcorn movies so long as they're good. I get upset when they're successful just because they show up. If you want to strike a blow for individualism, have a craving for 3D and you're lucky enough to live in the few cities playing Warner Herzog's Cave of Forgotten Dreams, I encourage you to see it. Is it Kevin Smith, Leonard Malton, or John Mayer?

[Giovanni]

Wow, how many of these guys did you fuck? John Mayer?

[Bald Brian]

Who, me?

[Giovanni]

Sex with John Mayer?

[Bald Brian]

No, honey, I don't. I don't have sex with complete losers.

[Giovanni]

He didn't hear you. He was a 19 year old waitress for Hooters. But when he rolls off or in his refractory period, I will explain to him that you said that.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

All right, I feel like, first off, mercifully we've been spared some John Mayer over the last six months.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Where has he been?

[Giovanni]

He is really sort of like some disease that sort of. You know, it's sort of like mayor's.

[Adam Carolla]

In remission, People talking about mad cow.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Or SARS or something. And then at some point, someone taps you on the show and goes, you know, it's been three months and someone's talked about SARS and you went, hey, yeah, I was wondering why I was in a good mood. All right, now we're gonna have to pick the opposite of each other.

[Adam Carolla]

You two are only playing this one.

[Giovanni]

Okay, since chivalry is not dead, I'll let you pick first.

[Bald Brian]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

I know this.

[Bald Brian]

So this is all about movies. There's only two movie guy here, movie guys here, and of the two, I would think this is a statement from Leonard.

[Giovanni]

Mm. It feels very Kevin Smithy. I get burned on this every time because I go, it can't be Kevin Smith because it feels too Kevin Smithy. So I'll go for the oddball, and then Mike, Mike and Mike, and the three guys named Mike behind the glass laugh hysterically because I bite on that. While I'm not doing it this time, I'm taking Kevin Smith.

[Bald Brian]

Okay.

[Corinne Steffens]

The blog belongs to.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, suck it, Adam from the other side of the glory hole.

[Giovanni]

I'm always on the dark side of the glory hole.

[Bald Brian]

Always on the wet side of the glory hole. The dark, wet, sticky side.

[Corinne Steffens]

Keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round of blah, blah Blah.

[Giovanni]

Well, Corinne, I am officially in love. And you can come back anytime you like. And I will have. I will have crafted a glory hole, nay, a baker's dozen of glory holes, so that all my staff members may share in my glory.

[Bald Brian]

Can we do that? Can we do that? And I'll come back and we can do a glory hold something. Well, come on.

[Giovanni]

I gotta tell you, with the glory hold should go the glory wheel, which is. You know, this is another we didn't talk about a game. We get you on half the wheel and we get Dawson on the other half of the wheel, and all I can do is poke my pekkaroo through the glory hole and see what side the wheel landed on.

[Corinne Steffens]

That's gonna cost a lot more than $100 a show.

[Giovanni]

Come on, buddy. When you're here, you're on the clock or you're on the cock. It doesn't matter to me. Here, buddy. All right, Corinne Steffens, everyone. You can find her book. You can pre order it on Amazon as we speak, and you can get a signed insert and a pair of Corinne's panties.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, they're gonna have to send their receipts to [e-mail]. all right, so I know who to send panties to.

[Giovanni]

Right? Because other if you just start the start, doing what I do is just putting them on random windshields at the Costco and that kind of thing and just doing. Just dropping them like leaflets from a dirigible. People get pissed off. You gotta have pinpoint accuracy when you're going, yeah, that gun's got a predator.

[Allison Rosen]

Drone to shoot your panties.

[Giovanni]

That barrel needs to be rifled and have a laser sight. All right, Corinne.com is ready to go. That's K A R R I N dot com. And you can Twitter her K A.

[Bald Brian]

R R I N E. Oh, I'm.

[Giovanni]

Sorry, E. I'm sorry, sorry, E dot com. And you can Twitter her at Vixen tips Corinne a slice of bizarre pube covered heaven. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You're so romantic.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this Adam Cole show 569, almost the complete opposite of the opening Ken Burns episode. What range that does it? For today's clips, there'll be a brand new episode airing tomorrow, Saturday. Until then, get it on.