Caller (7:43)

Not much.

Donnie (7:44)

Love the podcast.

Adam Carolla (7:45)

Congratulations on your anniversary. Thanks, buddy.

Caller (7:49)

My question is, where are Ray and Chris?

Donnie (7:52)

They don't come on the podcast anymore.

Caller (7:54)

Do they not like doing the show.

Donnie (7:56)

Or what explains their absence?

Adam Carolla (7:58)

Well, Ray had an idea to do a podcast where he just went around and apologized to people. Kind of like, my name is Earl. If Earl had enema'd on People instead of just dump them at the altar. So Ray will have a presence on this. You have to understand that Ray and Chris, and Chris especially, they don't go too many places where they don't get paid. So that's kind of the issue. Donnie, can you turn these headphones down a little bit? Guys like Chris, if you ain't paying them, they ain't showing up for the most part, even when you do pay them, they don't show up a lot of the time. And Ray's got a little bit of that going too. They're both kind of busy doing their construction and doing whatever. And we'll bring them both in and get a reunion show going once again. And I think Ray's going to be out at the El Portal Theater this Saturday. Jimmy Kimmel's going to be there, by the way. Dr. Drew is going to be there. We got a pretty big show planned, so he's coming out there, so we will definitely get that. Also, Ray's kind of pissed at me right now because I'm doing a sitcom and there's a role in it for a guy named Ray who's a chain smoking construction worker, doesn't work very much and he got to audition for it and they didn't cast him and he's angry. He's angry at me.

Donnie (9:22)

What about getting other folks that you.

Caller (9:24)

Talk about in your stories, like Snake and I remember a guy named Woodcock.

Donnie (9:28)

And I don't know, just some of the characters that you grew up with.

Caller (9:30)

And getting them on the podcast.

Adam Carolla (9:32)

Snake is living in Texas right now where he's building freely without permits, by the way. And yeah, Chris and Ray and I'll get some of these guys together. Always feel sort of self indulgent, but we'll get Chris and Ray together and we'll bring them back on a show and. And also Chris is one of these guys a little bit hard to get hold of sometimes too. His voicemail is so full. You just have to understand, like, Ted. And if any kids are listening, please listen closely. I've been friends with Chris and Ray my entire life. What actually feels like more than one life? It feels like two and a half or three lives. And by the way, if we have years and we have people years and we have dog years, shouldn't we then have like parrot years or sea turtle years or giant tortoise years or like years where there's animals that live longer than us? I mean, they should get their own years too, you know, I mean, like, we may live seven years to every one year that a dog lives, but a sea tortoise lives like a year and a half. For every year we live, they get to like 125 years old or something. I'm just, I'm just saying.

Donnie (10:46)

Point is, a Chris or a Raider.

Adam Carolla (10:48)

Then, oh my God. I don't think those guys will ever die. And it feels one year feels like, like an eternity. But I've known those guys my whole life and they, their whole lives never did anything unless there was something in it for them. You see, everyone is here. It's a good, it's a good opportunity to speak about the one year anniversary of this podcast. I am here not from for free. I'm here because it's actually cost me several thousand dollars to do this podcast over the last year. I'd estimate with bandwidth and just equipment and incidentals and if you want to just count the rent on the warehouse and the electricity bill and stuff, I'm probably into this for $100,000. Donnie is here for free. His cousin Sandy is here for free. His wife here for free. Everyone. I mean, Donnie has thousands of hours put into this thing without a penny going into his pocket. Why? Because there's a payday. There's a payday at the end of the rainbow. That's why he's here, because potentially there's a payday. Is there a guaranteed payday? Hell no. Is it an opportunity? Hell yes. Is he going to invest his time for free for this opportunity? Hell yes. That's what makes a smart business person. That's what Oftentimes delayed gratification, in other words, makes for good students, good business partners, and good everything. Every business, every single one of these things, whether it be Google or Macintosh or whatever, started off with a couple guys working for free. The same thing we did in show business, me and Jimmy, working for free, developing our stuff. Half the shit didn't work, 3/4 of it didn't work. But at some point, the man show hit and we made some money. Ray and Chris don't really have the delayed gratification work for free gene. They never have had it and I don't think they ever will have it. And thus all the guys I grew up with in the Valley don't have that work for free. And if you think about it, what's college? College is just work for free. As a matter of fact, you pay them to do homework. The idea that you would tell a guy like Chris, hey, you pay this guy and then he lets you do homework is total utter insanity. But the problem is those guys tend to flatline a little bit as they get older because they never would give anything away and they never would do an internship, and they would never work for free. So the lesson to all the kids listening is either work for free, put your time in, and have not a guaranteed payday, but a probable payday down the road, or torch your house, make it look like an accident, and just collect on the life insurance of your parents.

Kevin Nealon (13:37)

Right on.

Donnie (13:37)

Well, I love the podcast, Ace.

Caller (13:39)

And I've told all my friends about.

Adam Carolla (13:41)

It, especially my friend Thayer and my.

Caller (13:42)

Friend Laura here in St. Louis. And we are rabid fans and listen every day.

Adam Carolla (13:47)

Thanks, Ted. And it's people like you. Oops, that was my mistake. It's people like you that have made this thing a hit over the last year. And again, we couldn't have done it without you. We have not taken out any billboard space and we've not advertised in any magazines. We've just done our thing every day. And you guys have appreciated it and spread it to your friends. Word of mouth. And I hope we can keep the word of mouth going into Octen. Hop up on line one and speak to Nathan. Nathan. Nathan. I think he just dropped off. He just dropped off. He wanted to ask a question about the Fleshlight. And I was on stage the other day, and there's a drunken guy in the back yelling Fleshlight. And I thought he was yelling flashlight. So then I went and did 15 minutes on flashlights, and he meant the Fleshlight, which I guess is something you put your pecaroo in and it feels good. I mean, look, they've had all these kind of devices for women for the last 30 years. How about a little something for the fellas? I mean, other than, you know, spit in a sink, saying, what about us? The reality is we don't really need anything. But still, if you can make something, I'd try it out. For me, it's really about, you know, I don't know how they work. I don't know how the Fleshlight works, but to me. So it's really about cleanliness and. Or drainage. All right, let's talk to Allie. Allie.

Caller (Female) (15:22)

Hi, Adam. How are you?

Adam Carolla (15:24)

Hi, Allie. What's going on?

Donnie (15:26)

Not much.

Caller (Female) (15:26)

Just to Cassera Steeler, if you know what I mean. Not at school or work. But I wanted to say congratulations. Can't believe it's been a whole year. It's been awesome.

Adam Carolla (15:36)

Yeah. Where's the time gone? Where's the money gone?

Caller (Female) (15:39)

I don't know, But I do feel older And I've laughed a lot more this past year than I ever have.

Caller (15:44)

So thank you.

Adam Carolla (15:45)

Thanks, Ally. You got to come out and see us live at the El Patel.

Caller (Female) (15:48)

By the way, I already got my ticket.

Adam Carolla (15:51)

Bitching, baby.

Donnie (15:52)

Yeah.

Caller (Female) (15:52)

Finally got in a little student loan money. Where does it go?

Adam Carolla (15:55)

Adam Corolla and company. Hey, it could go up your nose.

Kevin Nealon (16:00)

You could do worse with that.

Caller (Female) (16:01)

I know. Speaking of the nose, I also daily I have a deviated septum and I always wondered is like this, Is that what you have?

Adam Carolla (16:10)

Yeah, I think. I think I do. Like when I was a kid, I would open my mouth and drool a lot. And then parents and older people would always go, you're gonna get a fly in your mouth. And you know what? I gotta say this now. I don't know what the fuck happened, but I'm 45 years of age and I've not walked around and spoke to any 7 year old or 9 year old and like dressed him down and told them all what to do and told them they're going to fly in their mouth or told them any of that bullshit. I never told them to like eat with their mouth closed or you should be seen and not heard or any of that shit. I was told a ton of shit when I was a kid. Now I'm the age of all the people that was telling me a ton of shit. I don't tell young people anything. Yeah.

Caller (Female) (16:52)

I got the same from my older brother. What are you eating with your mouth open? And I never like. That's all I know about my brother because he's so much older. I'm like you. Oh, you with my mouth open till I have to.

Adam Carolla (17:04)

That's right. By the way, I didn't appreciate you dicking it the other night. Yeah. Now here's what happens.

Kevin Nealon (17:11)

You're.

Adam Carolla (17:11)

You're like me when you watch those movies where they kidnap somebody and they put the duct tape over their mouth, you get a little panicky because you think if somebody put duct tape over my mouth like they're robbing a bank and they did that duct tape over the mouth move, I think I would die.

Donnie (17:27)

I would do that.

Caller (Female) (17:28)

No doubt about that.

Adam Carolla (17:29)

I could not get enough oxygen through my nose to support my fat head.

Donnie (17:33)

I know.

Caller (Female) (17:34)

I was just also wondering if that had any minor thing besides the whole male ego thing to do with maybe why you don't like going down on women. Because it's really hard for me to suck a cock when I can't breathe through my nose.

Adam Carolla (17:45)

Yeah, I know. Same here. I Mean, go down a woman tough enough but suck a cock? Don't get me started.

Caller (Female) (17:50)

Yeah, I'm totally capable of doing so. But the breathing part passed out after a while.

Adam Carolla (17:56)

It sounds like this when I go down on a woman.

Caller (Female) (18:04)

You need a fucking snorkel or something?

Adam Carolla (18:06)

Yeah. You can't. Yeah, I've learned to breathe through my nose. I'll tell you what'll help. So when I was a kid, my mouth dangled open and I drooled. When I was a very young child, I drooled on myself. I just left my mouth open. And then when I would sleep at night, I would sleep my mouth wide open and drool all over the place. And then get the cottonmouth, which always sucks. Like during the summer when you turn the air conditioning on, you turn like the ceiling fan on, and then your mouth's wide open. You've been drinking the night before, and you get that weird fucked up cotton mouth thing going. And then later on, when I started playing football, running around the San Fernando Valley in 105 degrees with my mouth wide open all the time, running wind sprints, getting, like, dirt and gnats and stuff. And it was always like. And then eating. People think you're a buffoon because you're like. And then I can't tell you the number of times people said, close your mouth when I'm eating. But it's like, if I close my mouth, I'll die.

Kevin Nealon (19:05)

Stop breathing.

Adam Carolla (19:06)

I can't breathe. So I never. I think I would say I probably have a partially deviated septum. And I don't know how old you are. How old are you, Allie?

Donnie (19:17)

26.

Adam Carolla (19:18)

26. I have trained myself to do things with my mouth closed. Like when people are talking to me, I don't hang my mouth open. It makes me look stupid. I realize people think, you know, there's a term he's a slack jawed yokel, you know, So I keep my. He's a mouth breather. They literally make fun of people with a condition. It's like if I made fun of a guy with a club foot. Like, oh, that guy's stupid. He has club foot. I have a deviated septum, makes me dumb. I can't get air if I don't open my mouth. So now I'll tell you what I did learn from going out on lots of dates where I probably disgusted the chick to shut my mouth when I eat. And when people are talking to me, I shut my mouth again. And then I go outside of the room and I go take a Big gulp of air.

Caller (Female) (20:11)

I know I'm still learning that because I still drool all over my pillow and I wake up with my face covered in drool. I'm like, oh, this is attractive. This is why I don't have a boyfriend.

Donnie (20:21)

Nice.

Adam Carolla (20:21)

Yeah, Yeah, I know. I drew. I will do the. I'll do the summer nap where I'll wake up in the pillow, just have a Rorschach test of drool all over the side of it. Disgusting. Hey, Ally, we'll see you. I feel your pain. Hey, I'll see you Saturday night. Come up and tell me. Hey. Hey, Fellow deviated septum.

Caller (Female) (20:42)

Well, you will notice me because my mouth will be wide open, so don't worry about it. I'll see you guys at the second show. And congratulations again. And get it on.

Adam Carolla (20:50)

Thanks, baby. Get it on.

Caller (20:52)

Have a good day, you guys.

Adam Carolla (20:54)

Thank you. All right, let's see three. Let's talk to Andy. Andy, Adam. How's it going? Good. What's going on? Not too much.

Caller (21:05)

Congratulations on the one year.

Adam Carolla (21:07)

Thank you. Thanks for listening. Absolutely. I've been here.

Caller (21:11)

I've been with you the whole year.

Adam Carolla (21:13)

Wow. From. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Donnie (21:16)

This is true.

Caller (21:17)

I obviously couldn't catch you on the radio waves out in la, but tried to listen to it streaming where I could when you were out there and then heard about the demise of the CBS show and then picked you right up on the podcasting.

Adam Carolla (21:29)

Thanks, buddy.

Caller (21:30)

No problem. What's been the most difficult thing to overcome throughout this whole year? I know it's been a pretty big learning experience for you.

Adam Carolla (21:38)

I think there's a couple issues. Some of it's just been just plain old infrastructure since nothing really exists and we're not sure what goes where and what equipment works the best and how to hook up this. And there's a lot of technology, which I'm really bad at, but Donnie's good at that's involved with this. Really. Honestly, I would say the biggest consistent problem we've had all year, and we haven't had a ton of consistent problems, but I'd say the biggest one is timing. When does this show air? Does it air tomorrow? Or does it air on Monday? And if it airs on Monday, then should we get a plug in for the live show on Monday or. Or should we get a lot plug in for tomorrow? And if we're talking about Tiger woods apology, does that seem too late on Monday? Because it seems germane today. But if this show is going to be an evergreen and we'll put it in a Pile that maybe we're just going to run them when I'm shooting my sitcom. Then we don't want to talk about Tiger woods apology because it'll be three weeks old. So there's this whole kind of timeline where we at. When is this show running that sort of interesting. You have to kind of, kind of wrap your mind around it a little bit. Other than that, it's just been, you know, the usual growing pains that comes along with any new business about, you know, scheduling and equipment and all that. But I would say all in all, considering, you know, and Donnie's been swamped with doing the parent experiment and Spider and the Henchmen and all these other. The car cast and the other shows we've been trying to launch, maybe we've been trying to grow a little bit faster than we should. But, you know, we're overly ambitious over here and we want to start providing a lot of content. And really, you know, in O10, which I'm told you can't say ought 10 10, 2010.

Caller (23:34)

I think you can say whatever the fuck you want.

Adam Carolla (23:36)

Fucking 10 and 10. We would like to really turn it into a business, Start getting some money coming in, start offering other programming, start the network side of it. Donnie's been the tip of that spear. And everyone has just been, I would say, just structure and the fact that this doesn't really exist. When you go and do radio, that format has been in place for 50 years or maybe 90 years. It's just there's a program director and there's a sales department, and there's sales department, sales director, and there's a GM and there's engineers. And here everyone's just wearing a bunch of different hats and no one exactly knows what's a good idea and what's a bad idea and, you know, how to make money and how not to piss people off. You know, there's just that whole fine line of like, well, how do we make enough money to keep things going over here without alienating listeners and turning them off and making them think we're greedy and blah, blah, blah. So it's just all this sort of feeling out and nobody really exactly knows what the answers are. Just sort of learn as you go. But I think the first year it came out pretty good. It's under our belt and now we're looking for bigger and better things and fuck. 10.

Donnie (24:59)

Fuck, yeah.

Caller (25:00)

Obviously it's been a big success. Do you have a favorite podcast you've had throughout the year or any favorite guests?

Adam Carolla (25:06)

Well, I've had quite a few. I would say that the best get would probably be the guy who's going to win best supporting actor, Christoph Waltz. There's no doubt that he's going to walk away with the Oscar this year. And we haven't talked to many people a couple of months before they take home an Oscar. So I would suggest, by the way, Donny, that we rerun that one maybe the following Monday after Kristof takes home that trophy. And I thought he was great. I thought it was a good interview. I really enjoyed, you know, almost everyone who's been on this show this year. You know, Seth MacFarlane just getting drunk with him and doing that. You know, Kimmel's always great on the show. Dana Gould's always great. Dr. Drew, I always like Dr. Drew. I like Teresa. Like, I just like those people.

Donnie (26:03)

Right.

Caller (26:04)

And you developed a rapport obviously with Teresa from working at the radio station.

Adam Carolla (26:07)

Sure.

Caller (26:09)

Like when you get guys like Simmons and Damoshek and you know, when you had Hench on earlier, is it different for you to, you know, quote unquote, interview them than it is somebody that you obviously don't know as well as those guys? Well, I mean, obviously I think it's good.

Adam Carolla (26:25)

Well, we just, you know, with Hench and Simmons and whoever. And by the way, Simmons is coming out to the El Portel, the late show too, the 10 o' clock show as well. He's going to perform with us. Maybe we'll do a little made up movie or something like that with those guys. You know, you're going to shoot the shit when you're sitting down, when you're doing interview with Francis Ford Coppola and you go, you go, hey, Frances, it's funny, your sister is your sister's Talia Shire, right? She says, yeah. And I said, talia is that short for Natalia? And he says, yeah. And then I say, you know my daughter's name Natalia? And he goes, all right, Crickets. And then there's a five Mississippi. And I go, all right, well, let's talk about Hearts of Darkness. Yeah. Although maybe Talia's. Maybe Talia Shire's name wasn't short for Natalia. Maybe it's like Etalia or something like that. But the point is, yeah, the aforementioned Christoph Waltz or Francis Ford Coppola or Matt Dillon are guys who I haven't interviewed before. Laurence Fishburne, who was told not to call Larry Fishburne. And then the second he sat down, I called him Larry. I think that was one of those Tourette's moments where Someone said, don't say this. And I've only known the man as Laurence Fishburne. I've only known him as Laurence Finishburn. I've never said Larry Fishburne in my life.

Kevin Nealon (27:54)

I.

Caller (27:54)

And you're thinking, don't say Larry. Don't say Larry Fuck. I just said Larry.

Adam Carolla (27:57)

I just said Larry Fuck, Dan. I just said Larry. Like, it's really one of these things where I wouldn't call him Larry Fishburne any more than I would call Robert De Niro, Bob De Niro. I only know Robert De Niro's Robert De Niro. I've never said, hey, see that Bob De Niro movie. And the Bobby De Niro. Niro was also Raging Bull. Bobby De Niro was in Casino. It's always been Robert De Niro, Larry Fishburne, Lawrence Fishburne. Now, see, I got myself screwed up. But yeah, he sat down. I called him Larry's though, too. You got like three emails, don't call him Larry. Then we got there, we reminded you again, don't call him Larry. The publicist just came in and said, don't call him Larry. So you got bombarded. Larry, Larry, Larry. You don't.

Caller (28:41)

You just got mind.

Adam Carolla (28:43)

I got mine by Larry in. In fuck 10. That's right. Thanks, Andy.

Caller (28:48)

Hey, you got it, ace.

Adam Carolla (28:49)

Take care. Thanks for listening.

Caller (28:50)

Keep up the good work.

Adam Carolla (28:51)

Spread the word, baby. We'll keep it coming for you.

Caller (28:54)

Doing the best I can, brother.

Adam Carolla (28:56)

Thanks, baby.

Kevin Nealon (28:56)

Take care.

Adam Carolla (28:57)

Thanks, Larry. All right, let's see.

Kevin Nealon (29:00)

Let me try this.

Adam Carolla (29:03)

Daniel. Daniel. Oh, did he hang up? It sounds like it. Well, Danny had a question that said, would you ever go back to terrestrial radio? Are you happy with the podcast? Well, of course I'm happy with the podcast. We just blow in here. We work with friends. We do what we want when we want to do it. We leave when it's time to leave. And you don't have to deal with all the shit and all the belly aching and all the FCC and all that crazy things. I just. One of the things I just brought to the radio station, or I should say the podcast warehouse today, was the COVID of a magazine. I don't know, it was like Asian Weekly or something. I don't know what that. It was a cover. It was a picture of me and just said Ching Chong. Ching Chong. Ching chong on it a thousand times. And in other words, I was public enemy number one in the Asian community because a guy on my show, Dave Dameshek, made a joke that said Ching Chong in it. And that's the thing that's fucked up about terrestrial radio. I'm having to apologize. I'm getting into trouble. I got the program director up my ass. I've got Guy Aoki, the head of the, you know, Anti Defamation League for Asians, up my ass. I. And I didn't even say anything. I never even said ching chong. Dave said ching chong. And he didn't even know what he was saying. He thought it was just like a schoolyard joke. Realized that that was their N word. Either way, there's a magazine with me on the COVID of Asian Weekly that just has me as, like, public enemy number one, and it just keeps saying ching Chong on. I didn't even say anything. So that, and all the air checks and the program directors and the GMs and all that, it's just, you have to listen. Basically, radio has a bunch of really stupid guys that you have to listen to, and that's horrible. Nobody wants to do that for a living. On the other hand, if they paid me a shitload of money and they gave me some autonomy, I'll listen to any offers that would come in. No offers have come in. No one's brought it up. It has not been discussed. I must say, I thought when my CVS contract ran its course, somebody would call about something. They have not. And I have not heard a thing about terrestrial radio since I left terrestrial radio. Well, a little bit over a year ago. Just about a year ago. But I'm very happy here, and with your help, we can say fuck terrestrial radio and fuck 10, but you could never say on terrestrial radio. All right, let's talk to Matt. Matt. Hey, man, what's going on? Matt?

Caller (32:04)

All right.

Adam Carolla (32:05)

How are you doing? Doing well.

Caller (32:07)

First up, I just wanted to thank you for doing this podcast and also thank everyone who helped make it happen.

Adam Carolla (32:13)

Well, thanks. We appreciate it, and we appreciate you listening.

Donnie (32:17)

Yeah.

Caller (32:17)

I live in Boston. I couldn't always listen to KLSX due to my job. But I haven't missed a podcast, and I really have been enjoying the live shows.

Adam Carolla (32:26)

Oh, good. I'm glad you like those.

Caller (32:28)

Yeah, I called in a couple weeks ago asking about feng shui, and I know you may not want to reveal too much about your book.

Adam Carolla (32:36)

I don't care.

Caller (32:36)

I'm wondering if you've had any. I was wondering if you had any chapters on Left Turn Arrows, Rape bank, or Westwood 2.

Adam Carolla (32:43)

Rate bank is a Burbank where they hand out all the chicken shit jaywalking to tickets. Left Turn Arrows is something that's going to be addressed in my sitcom, by the way. And Westwood Two is what I lovingly called Westwood One. That was a pile of shit that I worked at for 11 years, actually. We either call it. I would either call it Westwood none or Westwood 2, but I would never call it Westwood One, because there's no fucking way that dump, that horribly run dump, by the way, should have been called one. Should have won anything. Unless you're talking about urine. There will be some things in there on some of those things. I think right now, as far as the chapters go, we have why love. Sorry, why I hate New York. Why hate la. There's a relationship chapter. There's a sports chapter, there's an entertainment chapter, There's a music chapter. That's right, hall of Notes and Maneater got tossed under the bus, that one. There's a chapter. There's a background on just the author chapter on me. I'm trying to remember. Oh, it's one on racism and just psychology. I'm trying to think all the chapter headings, but it'll be done soon and you can buy the book and it'll all be in there. Not. I don't think Burbank's going to be in there. Not sure if the Left Turn Arrow will probably be in there. Cool.

Donnie (34:10)

I look forward to it.

Caller (34:11)

And again, thank you for doing this.

Adam Carolla (34:13)

Hey, Matt. For the first year, I want to thank all you guys who've been listening throughout the year, and I especially want to thank all the new people that have tuned in in just the last few months. And I want to thank all the people that have passed it on to a co worker or friend or classmate, because that's really what this is. It's just a whole grassroots endeavor. We don't take out billboard space. We rely on you. We give you the product. We give it to you either free or if you want to buy one of the live shows for 299, that's your prerogative. But the deal is, the agreement we have is we give you the product, we do the best we can, and you just tell a few friends about it, and that'll spread it out, and that'll make it a lot easier for us to come into work. Thanks, Matt.

Caller (35:04)

No problem.

Adam Carolla (35:05)

Good times, buddy. All right, let's see. Let's talk to Wyatt. Wyatt, Adam. What's happening, Wyatt?

Donnie (35:15)

Not much, man.

Caller (Female) (35:16)

Stay.

Caller (35:16)

Hanging out here at work, killing some time.

Adam Carolla (35:19)

Mm.

Caller (35:19)

You know how that goes.

Adam Carolla (35:20)

Mm.

Caller (35:21)

All right, so I kind of wanted to ask you about how you deal with the. The ups and downs of the industry just kind of life. Because you seem to handle that pretty well, at least from our take, you know, with the cancelings of shows and getting picked up and all that craziness.

Adam Carolla (35:39)

You know, I'll tell you the truth. I realize that this is a crapshoot. I mean, this business, this industry is a crapshoot. And I never really count on anything. All I'm real philosophical about it, which is, I'll do the best job I can do. I'll surround myself with people who can make me look as good as I can look, and we'll just deliver a good product, and then it'll either make the schedule or it won't. I can't tell you how many times I've delivered a good product and didn't make the schedule. It's happened a bunch of times. As a matter of fact, everything I've done, really. Loveline was a syndicated show that was cleared in 96% of the country and they pulled the plug on it. And the man show was a pilot for ABC that didn't get picked up. And Top Gear was a pilot for NBC that didn't get picked up. And last year, Ace in the Hole was a pilot for CBS that didn't get picked up. And they've all been good pilots. So how do you not freak out about that? Well, you have to realize that your odds of not getting something picked up are quite a bit higher than your odds of getting something picked up, number one. Number two, the people that are making the decisions aren't always the smartest people in the world. So it's kind of like a retarded kid saying he doesn't like your painting.

Caller (37:00)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (37:01)

You know what I mean? You can't put a whole lot of stock into it. What you can do, and what I will do is if I feel like I didn't do a good job with it, like the Top Gear pilot, I feel like I did a good job with it. I feel like I fulfilled my end of the bargain and then some. And that was a good product, and I did a good job with it. And then it's just up to some guys high on coke who hates cars to decide whether he likes it or not in the middle of. In the middle of Knight Rider tanking the new Knight Rider 2.0. So the same brains that thought it'd be a good idea to revamp a show from the 80s that was the butt of a joke, by the way, are the same guys who are in charge of deciding if you're interesting, compelling, Car show is going to make the air. You understand?

Caller (37:51)

They got Val Kilmer to do the voice.

Adam Carolla (37:53)

You're dealing with somebody who took Knight Rider. One of the biggest jokes of my childhood. Totally effed out and totally effed out. But if anything, the only reason people know about the show is because it sucked. Like they know about it because it's a punchline. And they decide to sink several million dollars. When I say several million, I mean probably $15 million into, you know, eight episodes. And of course it tankaroos. And now there will be no more car shows on the network. So once in a while it's just bad timing and you get caught up in. In that.

Caller (38:31)

They were like, because that tank that your car show wouldn't work because of Knight Rider.

Kevin Nealon (38:37)

Yep.

Adam Carolla (38:38)

No more car shows. Nobody likes car shows. Well, nobody likes car shows about talking cars that solve crime, you retards. Not good. Good car shows they'd be fine with. And it's stupid because it wasn't even a car show. It was just a reality show. It was just a buddy show. It was just a road show. It was just an action show. Really wasn't a car show. It's just an excuse to have guys compete and race fast cars and, you know, screw around with celebrities driving the reasonably priced car and all that kind of stuff.

Caller (39:09)

No brainer.

Adam Carolla (39:10)

It's a no brainer. But either way I'm completely philosophical about it. And my, my, my only feeling is this time. This town is filled with time wasters. It's just I'm doing a, I'm doing a pilot now and it's nothing. But everyone needs to be cc'd on everything and everyone needs to see the picture and everyone needs to okay the picture. And then everyone's got to go out and scout the location. It's just one big fat fucking waste of time. Yeah, you've never seen a bigger time wasting endeavor in your fucking life than doing television. So and so's got to see it. So and so's got to see it. So and so's boss has to see it. And this could be the shoes you're wearing, you know, like, oh, it's going for wardrobe fittings and then they have to okay your wardrobe. We had a meeting. We had a tone meeting last week. I don't even know what a tone meeting is. But here's the beauty of the tone meeting. We had to have a pre tone meeting before the tone meeting. So where was I yesterday? Friday at noon, I was in the middle of a pre tone meeting.

Caller (40:12)

Did you have a postmortem tone meeting.

Adam Carolla (40:13)

Or we should have had a post tone meeting. I don't know what happened. Our parents, post town meeting. Someone's got to get that on the schedule. It's a bunch of rich adults that don't know shit running in circles, wasting their time.

Donnie (40:23)

Right?

Caller (40:23)

And there's all that just.

Adam Carolla (40:24)

And justifying a big fat paycheck.

Caller (40:26)

Yeah, that's. I was gonna say it's all redundant so they can.

Adam Carolla (40:28)

Totally redundant jobs. Totally redundant. And they kick the shit out of. Everyone is lower than them on the ladder. And this whole thing could be easy, fast, and even fun, but they take all the fun out of it with all the pre tone meeting and all the repetitive bullshit and all just everything's a 10 and everyone's out of their mind and everyone's over the moon and everyone's under the. Oh, they're so upset. Oh, look out. Oh, this was an attack. And there's. It's just. It's just this big, long, fucked up cacophony of dogma and a hierarchy and all this shit, and it doesn't amount to shit. Just let the creative people do the creative thing. Get out of the way and support them and let's see if we can get a show on the air. We don't need a pre tone meeting. We don't even need a tone meeting.

Caller (41:16)

You wonder ever, because you're so outspoken, you're kind of the man and you say whatever you want on your show. Do you wonder if those politics ever affect your show? You know, your project, the politics of that?

Adam Carolla (41:29)

Yeah, I mean, they probably do. I've gone at it with a few people and I'm sure it's not helping my cause.

Caller (41:39)

No, I mean, you gotta be you. I just wonder if there's just some haters out there or something.

Adam Carolla (41:43)

Oh, I'm. Listen, I'm sure, you know, look, here's my. Here's my take. Here's my humble take. I'm funny and everyone can fuck themselves because I'm funny now. Am I ever gonna be king of show business? Hell, the fuck no. Are we gonna be able to make a living? Are we gonna be able to do live shows?

Donnie (42:03)

Are we.

Adam Carolla (42:04)

Are we going to be able to do a podcast? Can we start our own network? Yes. We can do all this stuff because I'm funny. Will I get a chance to do other sitcoms? Yes, I will get a chance to do that. I'll get a chance to write books. I'll get a chance to do almost everything because I'm funny now.

Caller (42:18)

Some of the fu situation taken care of, I guess.

Adam Carolla (42:21)

I don't have any FU money. I have F you funny.

Caller (42:25)

F you funny, right?

Adam Carolla (42:27)

Yeah. There are a lot of guys in this business that aren't that funny. They just aren't. I'm reading a question over here about the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and whatever. I've met those guys. They're not that funny. They tell jokes. They have people write them jokes, they buy jokes, and then they regurgitate the jokes and they're fine at it and they make a nice living on it, but they're not that funny. Yeah, so they're kind of like guys who claim to be tough street fighters, but they never want to get into a street fight.

Caller (42:55)

Yeah, you're kind of like in. In hip hop. You're a freestyle master. They couldn't freestyle. If they tried to freestyle, they would get destroyed.

Adam Carolla (43:02)

Yes, they would. Word. Word up.

Caller (43:04)

They got those written. Written rap.

Adam Carolla (43:06)

Not only are they written, they didn't even write. Half of them ghost writers. Yeah. So look, my thing is, as long as I'm funny and I'm not an asshole, everyone else is an asshole in this business. And I don't mean everyone, but I just mean all the fucking shit you gotta go through to get something done in this fucking business. And now everyone gets their panties in a bunch over nothing all the time. It's just ridiculous.

Caller (43:32)

They probably think you're an asshole just for saying that, but it's true. They're the assholes. Holes.

Adam Carolla (43:38)

Yes. It's a bunch of fucking rich people that do nothing who then get offended over everything all the time. And my feeling is, fuck it. The fuck wants to deal with you ass wives. Thanks, buddy.

Caller (43:50)

Thank you, sir.

Adam Carolla (43:51)

Good times. Alrighty. Jesus Christ. That's why I love this podcast. Have to deal with all the ass words. All right, let's talk to. Oops, I think I just hit the wrong line again. Let's see. Let's go to line four. Line four. Drew.

Caller (44:07)

Hey, eighth man, how's it going?

Adam Carolla (44:08)

What's happening?

Donnie (44:10)

Not much.

Caller (44:12)

Happy one year anniversary.

Adam Carolla (44:13)

Thank you.

Caller (44:15)

And hey, I had a question for you in regard to. To actually your first podcast. I just kind of noticed how, like, it almost seemed like you were kind of being cathartic. You were talking about taking a shit and, like, saying that every third shit smelled like someone else's shit or like a cat shit or something like that.

Adam Carolla (44:36)

The first podcast?

Caller (44:38)

Yeah, the very first one.

Adam Carolla (44:39)

Yeah. I don't think it's every third shit, but I about every 18 shit, I have a shit that smells like someone else's shit. About every 123rd, I have a cat shit. Well, you.

Caller (44:50)

You got the algorithm down then better than I. You got a better memory than I.

Adam Carolla (44:54)

No, it's not. Probably not what I said, but it's more than third. I just mean, do you know what I'm talking about? You ever let it. You ever shit and when that didn't smell like my shit?

Caller (45:04)

Yeah, absolutely. You know what really perplexes me is the ghost shit. When you think you take a shit and it really feels like he took a shit and you look down in the toilet and there's no shit to be on it.

Adam Carolla (45:16)

I think every once in a while it just slides down into that opening and disappears. But you should also listen for the Kaplunk. And I wonder if kids today or people that I get hit in the ass with water anymore because of the 1.6 gallon low flow whatever. Like back in the day, when you take a shit your ass, would you. I mean, it was like going to Bear Mountain or wild, wild, wild, wild and wet Bear Mountain or whatever. Log Jammer Mountain or whatever the hell it is. Yeah. I mean, you could feel the water. Like, when is the last time you took a shit and felt some water on your ass? I think the low flow toilets are going to take away that simple pleasure from our. From our next generation generation that plop with the water in the ass. Or maybe my shitting's different. I want to thank my kids right now for taking nice dry shits. They take shits and they come in and they're like, daddy, wipe my ass. And I. I go in there and I wipe their asses almost. There's nothing on it, but there's a big turd in the toilet.

Donnie (46:26)

Right.

Adam Carolla (46:26)

That's nice. So what was your question, Drew?

Caller (46:29)

Well, my question was, was more towards the. It just felt like we were finally hearing the real Ace man. When you started talking about every eighth smelling like cat. You know what I mean?

Adam Carolla (46:42)

Like 123rd, but go ahead.

Caller (46:44)

Yeah, right, right. You know, we weren't getting that. That brand of the Ace man on the morning radio show, obviously, or. Or Loveline, but I was just. I was just wondering, is that, you know, you go in blue with podcasts, Is it something you think about anymore? Is it a big deal to you anymore? Does you ever feel like, well, you know, maybe Sunny, Natalia might listen to this someday, so maybe I should kind of pot it down? I just wonder what your ideas were on that.

Adam Carolla (47:20)

No, I Don't have any feelings about them listening to this. One day, I'm assuming they'll be tired of my nasally drone and they'll have no intention of listening to any of these podcasts. And by the time they get to the age when they can listen to podcasts, we'll have like 500,000 of them to listen to. And I wouldn't even fucking listen to five of them. So, you know, it's. Look, let me say this. I've said it before. When you do a podcast or radio show or almost any artistic endeavor, if you sort of picture the wrong people sitting around listening to it and watching will stifle you. I mean, let's face it. You can't just go on podcast or on terrestrial radio or anywhere else and start dropping n bombs because you're going to get into trouble. And we obviously know enough not to do something like that. But when you start talking about, you know, complaining about your. You know, when I start complaining about my nanny or my wife or my kids or even Donnie, even though he's in the next fucking room, or my mom or whatever, you know, I can't start digging into the Burbank PD and then picture myself getting pulled over by the Burbank pd. Or worse yet, picture them sitting in their car listening to it. It would stifle me. I mean, imagine. Think about what you do when somebody enters the room versus what you would have to say about them. Let's just. Let's just put it this way. If you just went and watched a TV show or watched a movie, and then I came up to you and I went, hey, Drew, what did you think of that movie? You'd start talking about it and you'd say, you know, well, it was a little slow in the middle act, too, and I didn't think the chick was especially hot, and blah, blah, blah. But what if I said to you, hey, Drew, tell me what you thought of that movie, and I want you to meet the director, Francois. Now tell me what you thought of that movie. Well, now you start picking and choosing your words. Right?

Caller (49:40)

Exactly. Exactly.

Adam Carolla (49:41)

And you'd never. Whether you loved the movie, hated the movie, or you just thought the movie was a five, whatever came out of your mouth would not be what would come out of your mouth if the director wasn't standing there. Right?

Donnie (49:57)

Right.

Adam Carolla (49:57)

Yeah.

Caller (49:58)

I guess it just all goes back to your idea of you. You do this stuff as if nobody was listening at all.

Adam Carolla (50:06)

Right. And I'm not saying it's the greatest plan ever. I'm just saying, for me, I could not picture anybody I know listening to this because it would stifle me. I mean, it's weird. It's like, we got this show coming up in North Hollywood, and my mom wants to go. And Donnie just shook his head and went, holy shit. And I'm like, I don't know if I want my mom to go. Not because I plan on saying anything horrible about my mom. Although you never know when something's gonna slip out. I don't want to be doing the show and picture her sitting out there. Do you know what I'm saying?

Caller (50:46)

Absolutely. I'm with you 100%.

Adam Carolla (50:48)

I know a lot of other people have the. I don't want to do a show and not picture a family member out there. I'm exactly the opposite. I want to picture nobody out there. And I do. Most the shows I do are like, yeah, you stay at home, honey. Stay at home, kids, stay at home, mom, stay at home. I'm gonna go do the show with total impunity, and then I'll come back and lie to you about what I said. I mean, it's almost a bachelor party for me. I. Bringing the wife and the kids and the mom and all that just seems like the worst idea ever. And because I'm sort of dead inside, there's no upside to it. Like, my mom could go, that was an awesome show. And I'd just be like, all right, thank you for that, old lady. I wouldn't. It wouldn't mean anything to me. So. No upside, Possible downside.

Caller (51:38)

So, Ace, what do you. What are you gonna do if your mom shows up? You're gonna make her sit in the back where there's no lights?

Adam Carolla (51:43)

So you can't get rid of the picture of your mom's house that we were gonna show? No. Well, that's the whole point. That's the whole point. Yeah. You have a new picture or an old picture? Yeah, I just drove by the house, took a new picture. So it doesn't show the south side. Oh, you need. You need the old. We gotta find an old picture of that. But I also wanted to get a picture of the fruit roll on the ceiling. Oh, all right. And the back meter room. Oh, wow. Wow. Okay. Yeah. See, this is gonna be a tough one. I'm gonna say to my mom, and I kind of mean it. Listen, I will be too nervous and too distracted with. With. I'll be nervous with you there. It'll make. It'll make me nervous. It'll throw off my game so is as much I love you and as conveniently close this. The El Portal Theater is to your house. How about you just stay home on Saturday night? I just. I can't. I'll be thinking about it. But I am that way. Like, I don't. I hate to look out into the audience and see a familiar face when I'm talking, when I'm doing something. I think. I think it's my hyper vigilance. It would always drive me nuts. You know, it just. It just. I don't know why everyone else wants everyone they know to show up to everything, to support them. For me, it's just like now it's. It's. It's counterproductive for me. But thanks, Drew. Yeah. Thank you, Adam. Appreciate it, buddy. All right, let's see. Let's talk to Nikki. Nikki.

Caller (Female) (53:21)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (53:21)

What's happening?

Caller (Female) (53:23)

Hey, let me take you out. I can't believe I'm talking to you.

Adam Carolla (53:26)

You're from North Hollywood?

Kevin Nealon (53:28)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (53:29)

Are we gonna see you Saturday night?

Caller (Female) (53:31)

I can't really afford it right now.

Adam Carolla (53:33)

You can't afford $40?

Caller (Female) (53:36)

I know, but I just did IVF, so I'm, like, out, like, a whole bunch of thousands of dollars.

Adam Carolla (53:42)

Oh, wait a minute. What is that?

Caller (Female) (53:44)

Ivf? You did it with your wife to have your kids.

Adam Carolla (53:46)

Oh, that? Inner in vitro fertilization. Oh, you said V. Yeah.

Podcast Narrator (53:52)

Ivf.

Adam Carolla (53:53)

Yeah.

Caller (Female) (53:53)

No, not ivf.

Adam Carolla (53:54)

It sounds like you said ivf.

Caller (Female) (53:56)

I don't have ibs.

Adam Carolla (53:57)

World's worst irritable bowel syndrome? No. Oh, you just did that. I could have got you pregnant.

Caller (Female) (54:06)

I don't know what to say to that.

Adam Carolla (54:07)

All right, baby. All right. So you're living in North Hollywood, but you won't walk down the street to see our show.

Donnie (54:13)

Oh, gee, that's all right.

Caller (Female) (54:14)

When is that?

Adam Carolla (54:15)

Friday. Saturday night. I'll give you some advice anyway. What do you need to know?

Caller (Female) (54:19)

All right, well, my husband is the most conscientious person I've ever met, and he's been in the music business. He wants to be a producer. He's been doing this for 10 years. And as you know, the music business has completely changed. And being a producer is almost an extinct position. And I knew that you could probably relate since you were kind of forced out of your job to do other things. And I just wondered what you thought, someone in that position who had a dream, but who's put that much time and investment into something, you know, what should they do?

Adam Carolla (54:56)

What's wrong with his sperm?

Caller (Female) (54:59)

With his sperm? Nothing. There's nothing wrong with either one of us.

Adam Carolla (55:06)

Did he have to go into the room and beat off?

Caller (Female) (55:09)

Of course, yeah.

Adam Carolla (55:11)

Now does he beat off lying down or standing up? This is one more good reason. Be able to beat off like an acrobat. Like, I can do, like, I can do it standing on one of those yoga balls.

Caller (Female) (55:21)

You know, I actually went in there with him.

Adam Carolla (55:23)

Really? And what'd you do to him?

Caller (Female) (55:29)

Did I give you my name already?

Adam Carolla (55:30)

No. Did you use your mouth.

Caller (Female) (55:35)

Listen, use your imagination.

Adam Carolla (55:39)

Well, hold on a second. Okay, wait a second.

Caller (55:43)

I've never heard of this before.

Adam Carolla (55:44)

You go into the room to get a sperm sample. Right?

Caller (Female) (55:48)

Right.

Adam Carolla (55:49)

And you're at the clinic, right?

Caller (Female) (55:52)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (55:53)

And wow, this is a man of passion. I dig this cat.

Caller (Female) (55:59)

I told you he's a conscientious person.

Adam Carolla (56:01)

You're there. Is there premeditation? Like, hey, let's do this together, or was there a process problem that, you.

Caller (Female) (56:09)

Know, I want you to go in there with me. Seven o' clock in the morning or whatever it was.

Adam Carolla (56:16)

Now all is the guy just saying, look, this is my one chance to get a blowjob and I'm just not going to squander it. Even if I'm out standing in a public commercial building where there's like a dentist office to our right and a floor salesman guy selling flooring to my left, like, and a bunch of nurses walking around and guys walking around, like, isn't that a heavily trafficked area to get a blow job?

Caller (Female) (56:41)

And you can only see the light coming from underneath the door. And the people are walking by and they're having conversations about what they're gonna order for lunch.

Adam Carolla (56:48)

They undercut the fucking door. My, the door I had to beat off in. The room I had to beat off in was undercut. Let's put it this way. A full sized raccoon could have got under that door no problem, without bending down or scraping its belly. Like, it was like, they must have had 70s, they must have shot porn in there in the 70s. And they undercut the fucking door. And they Undercut it by 3 inches to clear the big shag pile carpet. And then at some point, at some point, like in the 80s, it became a clinic. And they just put, they put linoleum down, but they never did patch. So the doors are hollow core. You can hear everything. They probably see your knees down there on the floor. These doctor's office. It seems like it should be like turned into like a VO booth. Yeah. No, wait a minute. So he said, so the nurse said, here's your cup. And she said you could go use that room over there.

Kevin Nealon (57:45)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (57:46)

And then did she bring by the basket of porn?

Caller (Female) (57:51)

No. There was already like two magazines from like 1989 in there.

Adam Carolla (57:56)

Yeah.

Caller (Female) (57:57)

Plus a movie preloaded into the VCR.

Adam Carolla (58:00)

Let me tell you about that basket of porn. That basket of porn is like the. If you ever see what a pumpkin or pillowcase filled with Halloween candy looks like about two weeks after Halloween, all the good shit got pilfered already. All the Mounds and Almond Joy and the little baby Snickers and the mint bars and all. Oh, oh, the Three Musketeers gone. Milky Way gone. The peanut Butter cup's gone. And there's a couple just like there's. There's a thing of razzles that have been busted open that are. That are loose and a couple candy corns. It's like you'll eat it, but it's like, it's still. It's total bottom of the barrel, slim.

Caller (Female) (58:42)

Pickings, apple and a razor blade.

Adam Carolla (58:44)

Ain't no top of the line Jack material there at all. So he said, no, thanks, I'm gonna bring my old lady in here.

Caller (Female) (58:53)

That's correct.

Adam Carolla (58:54)

And so how big are these rooms? Because I had to do the same thing. And of course, my wife got pregnant the next day after I did it. But it was a small, little bathroom. Was there a TV in there?

Caller (Female) (59:03)

No, it literally was a bathroom. One of them was a bathroom. So there was, I believe one of them was a bathroom that had a toilet in it that was converted into some sort of, you know, Spankatorium.

Adam Carolla (59:15)

And. And they had. And they brought you in there and you gave a little oral to the husband. And he just said, you know, when the time's right. Exit Mouth, Enter Dixie cup.

Caller (Female) (59:27)

Pretty much.

Adam Carolla (59:29)

Wow. One of Metallica's best songs, by the way. Exit Mouth, Enter Dixie. Riddle Car after Never Never. Lame. Wow, that's ballsy. I like the cut of this guy's jib. It's like, hey, baby, I ain't beating it in the bathroom. You're coming in here with me. And then. Was that a weird. Was it weird like, you know, talking to the nurse with your lipstick smeared all over your face and sweat pouring down your forehead and her going, you got a little something on your. Yeah, no, other side of your cheek. Yeah, there.

Caller (Female) (60:08)

I didn't really care too much about what my hair, makeup looked like after work. But, yeah, the first time around, it was a little scary.

Adam Carolla (60:14)

I see. I would have been weirded out about just stepping out into the light after that been like, hey, just got sucked off, by the way. This sperm's better. This is not beat off sperm. This is suck off sperm. This is top shelf difference between Smirnoff and Grey Goose. And what if you told your super conscientious husband, hey, listen, there's a bunch of people floating around here, and I don't want to go in there and put down that little foam gardening pad. Do they even provide those little foam gardening pads? Weird handle built into it that you bring around when you're planting bulbs. Like, you know what? I don't want to get the stink eye from everyone here. Just go in there and handle your business.

Caller (Female) (61:01)

What would he have said?

Donnie (61:02)

I don't know.

Adam Carolla (61:03)

Could he have handled this business, do that by himself? Could he do it?

Caller (Female) (61:08)

You know what? That's a good question. I don't know. I don't know the answer to that.

Adam Carolla (61:12)

This is why guys have to learn to beat off standing up. Or is this a how much do you love me? Show me how much you love me.

Caller (Female) (61:20)

Nah, I think it might have been more of a pressure situation.

Adam Carolla (61:24)

Like. Like wasn't happening without you.

Caller (Female) (61:27)

Yeah, it might not have.

Adam Carolla (61:28)

Did he try and then call you in?

Caller (Female) (61:31)

Oh, they said. Did he cry? No, no, there was no trying. I went in right off. Yeah, first time around.

Adam Carolla (61:37)

That's a real walk of shame, having to walk out there. Oh, you have that sample? No. Well, geez, you're in there for almost 20. I need to talk to my wife or who's that chick?

Caller (Female) (61:51)

The first time we handed it to the guy behind the counter, the little Asian man who takes your sperm. He looked at it and he goes, that's not very much.

Adam Carolla (61:59)

Wow. He's making commentary on the sperm. You say the first time. How many times did you guys do this procedure?

Donnie (62:08)

Well, that.

Caller (Female) (62:09)

Well, we did three fresh cycles, so that means three times we went in and did that. And then I've had two frozen transfers, so this is my second frozen transfer.

Adam Carolla (62:16)

She's like, Asian guy's like, that's not very much. And Nikki's like, hold on, let me wring my blouse out. There you go. Now we're sitting pretty. All right, so is what about the job advice for her? Is everyone pregnant? Are you pregnant now?

Caller (Female) (62:32)

No, I'm waiting. I mean, I hope I'll know. I'll know something on Thursday.

Adam Carolla (62:36)

Oh, either way, most expensive if it doesn't happen, most expensive blowjob your husband ever has ever paid for. Since that. Well, since. Not counting that bachelor party anyway. But wow, man. So career advice for your husband?

Caller (Female) (62:54)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (62:54)

Don't go into the porn industry. I don't feel like he could handle that.

Caller (Female) (62:58)

Let me jot that down.

Adam Carolla (63:00)

No porn, because you can't go beat off in a closet. You're not, you're not up to the porn challenge. And then. And then what? As a producer, do you want to. Should he do something else other than produce? Well, I don't know.

Caller (Female) (63:15)

I mean, it just seems. It's a tough business. And I know you can relate because like I said, you've been sort of pushed out of what you were doing in your dream for so long with the radio thing and. Yeah, but you're having success with other stuff. But it's. I don't know, it is different in his situation. There are, you know, I don't know, maybe it isn't any different.

Adam Carolla (63:34)

I mean, look, you know, if you do something and you want to do something creative, you want to do something around music, but maybe producing isn't what it was, was 10 years ago, then you have to shift and you have to curtail your career for whatever's going on in today's society. So maybe he's not a producer the way people were classically called a producer some years ago, but he can be. He can. It's like this. Maybe he's not going to be a producer, but can he work in the music industry? Can he do something with musicians? Can he do something with sound?

Kevin Nealon (64:11)

Sure.

Adam Carolla (64:11)

He just has to sort of curtail it and make it fit, make it work for whatever is going on today.

Caller (Female) (64:19)

He's already doing that and he does a lot of engineering and assistive engineering for sound.

Adam Carolla (64:24)

All right, that's enough. I don't know what to say. I mean, there's a lot of people that have a lot of dreams. Some will be realized, others won't, but they need. Your dreams need to be fluid. And you know what? I'll give you an example of that. We started this a year ago. We thought we were going to build it into our own brand and we build our own network and we're working on that. And we thought we'd be selling advertising and banner pages and sites and websites and blah, blah, blah. And it turned out the money we started making at the beginning of the year was from doing live shows, was from going out and taking the show on the road. So that's what we've been focusing on. Did we know it? No. Had I planned on it? No. Was I a stand up comedian at the end of 09? Not really. Donny had not Done remote shows. We weren't planning on doing remote shows, but it's something that fell into our lap. It was an opportunity. We didn't ignore it. And we said, you know what? This is a way to bring some money in, keep the lights on around here, keep things rolling. So let's shift our emphasis a little bit. Is it still a podcast? Yes. Am I still telling jokes? Yes. Am I sitting from the comfort and quiet and convenience of my own sofa in my own warehouse? No. Do I have to pick up and drive to places like Ontario? Yes, but we're telling jokes, we're getting paid, we're doing a podcast. And we've shifted. We've taken what we do. Donnie has shifted, Sandy has shifted. Everyone who's here has shifted to meet whatever the demand was and wherever the money potential was. So am I still a comedian? Yes. Do I get to sit on my sofa and blow hard? No. I have to stand on stage and hold a microphone in a Miller light, but it's fine. All right, well, that's about all we have time for. And again, if you want our high quality two disc uncompressed 200 hours of the first season of the Adam Carolla podcast, well, just go to AdamCarolla.com and all the details will be there. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying thank you and mahalo.

Podcast Narrator (66:45)

All right, this is Adam Corolla Show 264 coming next. We do have a listener request. This one's from Austin R. I have searched everywhere and cannot find this episode where Kevin Nealon co host back in 2010. I think about it all the time. Any chance you know where I can find it? I do. I'm gonna play it again. You can find the back archive of the Adam Carolla show through Adam Carolla substack adamcorla.substack.com and the episode you're looking for is Adam Corolla Show278Guest hosted by Kevin Nealon featuring Bob Einstein in character, Super Dave Osborne from 2010.

Kevin Nealon (67:18)

Hey, everybody, it's Kevin Nealon sitting in for Ace man Adam Corolla. And I was really looking forward to doing this podcast. I've never done one of these before, but I've certainly been a guest of Adam's for many, many different shows. I go all the way back to Loveline when he was on that with Dr. Drew and I was on his radio show in Los Angeles. And I've done this podcast once or twice and it always amazes me how much Adam talks. I mean, he Just, he's got something to say about everything. And I thought, I could never do a show like this. But then I thought, well, if I just talk about Adam, I would have a lot to say, because he certainly has a lot to say. But he just. You could give him anything. I even told him this. I said, we should. You know, we should just go. You should do an act, and I'll just throw up questions and you could talk about it. Because he always comes up with funny stuff.

Adam Carolla (68:06)

And.

Kevin Nealon (68:08)

Every time I mention to him that he's got something to say about something, he never, never comments on it. He just comments on something else. So that proves my point. He's got a lot to say about everything except me complimenting him. I don't think he's good at taking compliments. Am I right, Katie? He's not good with. He doesn't like to acknowledge compliments. He's very hard on himself. So I was looking forward to doing this, except initially, when they asked me to do this show, I was a little hesitant because it's out here in Glendale and I live in the South Bay. And it just seemed like a lot of work getting out here, especially at this time of the day. It's in the late afternoon. There's a lot of traffic. But then again, everything lately, for me, seems like a lot of work. I keep hearing myself say that it seems like a lot of work. No matter what. What it is. That's the first phrase that comes to my mind. Seems like a lot of work. I mean, whether it's just, you know, getting the car washed or even going to see a movie, you know, because you think, well, you got to get in the car. You got to get. You know, you got to find parking, and then you got to get in there and pick out what you want to eat. I mean, I always know what I want to eat. I have the popcorn. I have the popcorn with Raisinets. I like to mix the sweet and softy stuff together, and I call that a theater salad. So I always got to have my theater salad when I go to a movie. But again, lately, that seems like a lot of work because you got to open up the package of Raisinets, which is very difficult. They wrap those things very tightly. There's certain packages I don't think that should be wrapped tightly. And I think Raisinets is one of them, because you don't want to be, like, picking at it throughout the whole movie. And then by the time the movie's halfway done, you've finally gotten the Box open. By then the popcorn's cold. And to make the feeder salad work, you've got to put the Raisinets in the popcorn when the popcorn is still hot. So it kind of melts around the popcorn kernels melt around each Raisinet. So you have like a popcorn ball with a chocolate covered Raisinet in the middle. Have any of you done that? Probably. You probably have other ideas. So, yeah, Raisinets. One of the things that should be loosely wrapped also. I think the fleet enema should be loosely wrapped. Easy to get at, but it's not. It's some. Somehow it's sealed in plastic and it's very difficult to get out. It's one of those things that you should have a zipper on the side of the package to get out or a little ejection button where it just pops it out and you got it ready to use. Because by the time you get that, by the time you have somebody run to the pharmacy to get it for you, you are. You are ready to. You want it to happen quickly. Quickly. And that does seem like a lot of work too. But it's worth it. That's the one thing that is worth the work. I would think so. Yeah. Coming out here seemed like a lot of work. I actually stopped and had some lunch with some friends on the way. And even that was work because there's no parking. There's no parking in Los Angeles. You've got a. This is on 3rd Avenue, is it? Or 3rd Street. I can't even keep track. Let's see, it's Beverly and Third. I think it's Third Avenue. Doesn't matter. You're not going there. But you know, there's like no parking because everybody drives their own car now. There's no carpools. I don't know what's going to happen with Los Angeles. There's just too many cars, there's too many people driving. There's too many people having sex and raising children that learn how to drive. I think we have to limit the amount of drivers in the future. Otherwise, where are you going to put the roads? You have to build double deckers and then that'll just take up all the sunlight. Grass won't grow in the little areas that are left for grass to grow in Los Angeles. But that's not my problem. It's not your problem. We'll all be dead eventually, so it doesn't matter for us. But anyway, to build those roads, it seems like a lot of work. I wouldn't want to be part of that. So I pull up, I find a parking spot, and it's a meter. And I'm thinking, great. And of course, I don't have any quarters. I find two dimes. You know, you scrummage through all your car, you look under the seat, and you look in the ashtray, and I finally came up with two dimes. They're both sticky. They had cough drop syrup on them, I think, from a couple months ago. And I get out, and this is the real upsetting part. You finally, you think you scored, you found a spot, and then you go and look at the meter, and it's flashing fail on it. Fail, fail. And I. At first I thought, oh, great, I won't have to put any money in. But then I thought, wait a minute. I think somebody told me that you have to have. You've got to put money or you can't park in that spot because you'll get a ticket. Because it's not the city's fault that it's not working. But I think it is. I think if it's. If a parking meter is not working, you should be able to park there, and then they should fix it when they get around to it and not charge us. But. And I. So I called the guy because it has the number on the parking meter, called him, and he goes, well, don't park there because you get a ticket. And so, of course, I didn't want to get a ticket, so I got in the car and I took off and I circled the block. By now, you know, it's like getting late. Lunch is over. They're putting out the dinner menu. I finally find another spot, and I think, oh, this is great. It's right across the street. I'll have to cross the street. But that's. That does seem like a lot of work. But it's not that much work. I pulled into the parking meter, and again, same thing. Fail, fail, fail. But I didn't care. I left it there. I said, you know what? This will be worth the $45 ticket or whatever it is now to just go in and sit down. Of course, you know, I don't seem to have to. I paid for one parking ticket I got. It wasn't a parking ticket.

Adam Carolla (73:23)

It was actually.

Kevin Nealon (73:23)

I was using my cell phone in the car, and the guy caught me. This was in Studio City, and I'd been using my cell phone, you know, holding it in my hand. You're supposed to not hold the phone in your hand because there's a hands free law, cell phone law in California. But I didn't care because, you know, I'm a rebel and, you know, I used it. And the guy caught me in Studio City, pulled me over, and cops don't tell you what you do wrong. They kind of just stick their head in the window and they say, you know why I pulled you over? And I told the guy, said, excuse me, I'm on the phone. You know, they have no. No courtesy at all. Very rude. But anyway, the ticket. The guy goes, yeah, this is. I think it's only a $20 ticket or something. By the time I got the ticket, it was $132. That was more than what I think Tiger paid for hitting that. That fire hydrant and the tree, $132. So is it fair? No, it's not fair. It's not fair. Anyway, I've been going on and on. I don't usually talk this much. I usually get interrupted. This is very rare for me to be able to go on and on like this with absolutely nothing to say. This is what people do in a psychiatric ward. I think they just start talking to themselves. So I'm going to take a few phone calls here, if I could. I think that's what they do. Let's see, thoughts about where can I go? They're making the. The monitor larger so I could see it. Where can I go? Okay, I'll just take line one here. Hey, it's Kevin.

Donnie (74:49)

Hello.

Kevin Nealon (74:49)

Hey, Brian. You from New Hampshire?

Donnie (74:51)

Yes.

Kevin Nealon (74:52)

New Hampshire?

Adam Carolla (74:53)

Yes.

Kevin Nealon (74:54)

Whereabouts?

Adam Carolla (74:56)

Rochester.

Kevin Nealon (74:57)

Rochester. I spent a lot of time in Portsmouth.

Donnie (75:00)

Oh, you have?

Kevin Nealon (75:01)

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Donnie (75:03)

We perform there every Tuesday night.

Kevin Nealon (75:06)

Oh, yeah, with.

Donnie (75:07)

Do you perform improv down in Prescott Park? Oh, sure.

Kevin Nealon (75:13)

Outside in Prescott?

Adam Carolla (75:14)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (75:16)

How's that going for you?

Donnie (75:18)

It's all right. It's pretty good. It's been six years at the same place, so it's been.

Kevin Nealon (75:23)

You know, Portsmouth is a great town. It used to be. My grandparents used to live in Kittery, Maine. An old colonial inn, they called it. It was a big white house up on the hill, and it used to be a stagecoach stop. And apparently it's haunted. The barmaid, apparently, was trying to break up a fight in the bar, in the saloon way back when and got stabbed. And they threw her body down one of the wells in room seven, the water closet. And apparently every full moon, she's supposed to rise out of there. And my mother used to sit in the chair every full moon in front of the closet, water closet door and wait for her to come up, but she never came up, so. But yeah, Portsmouth back then. I don't know if you know this, but it was just like a big navy yard town. A lot of sailors, a lot of people from the navy yard.

Donnie (76:06)

My friends, she's about my age. Her dad said, you can't move there. It's full of hookers.

Kevin Nealon (76:11)

Back then it was.

Donnie (76:12)

Yeah, yeah. And no, this was just in 1995.

Kevin Nealon (76:17)

In 95.

Donnie (76:18)

Yeah. They still. Well, there is a couple places, but no, it's. Yeah. Tough little town.

Kevin Nealon (76:24)

Yeah. But now it's nice. It's all gentrified and it's, you know, it's. It's beautiful. A lot of tourists and restaurants and pubs.

Donnie (76:32)

Yeah, they're just kind of kicking us out of there though, you know?

Kevin Nealon (76:35)

Yeah, well, you don't belong there. People that do improv don't belong there.

Donnie (76:38)

Yeah, we got to move on.

Caller (76:40)

Move on, circus boy.

Donnie (76:41)

Yeah, I've heard, I've heard the chant.

Kevin Nealon (76:44)

So you got a question for me?

Adam Carolla (76:45)

Yes.

Donnie (76:47)

What about after? I've been in improv for a long time and things like that, but studies a lot. But the big problem is I'm too much of a loner. But I've never done stand up. I was just wondering, you know, what's the next step?

Kevin Nealon (77:03)

Probably suicide. I think suicide's usually the next step.

Adam Carolla (77:07)

Coming back, you know, here's the problem.

Kevin Nealon (77:09)

With suicide nowadays with the hybrid cars, you've got to sit in your garage for hours and nothing happens. You turn the radio on, you make sure that the car's running, so you turn the radio on just to make sure, and then it's not even worth it after all that. But, you know, how can you feel like a loner if you're an improv group? I think more of a stand up comic would feel like a loner.

Adam Carolla (77:28)

Yeah.

Donnie (77:29)

Well, I think that's why I should probably do stand up. But the improv's got the nice little supportive group when you suck and you come back and they say, hey, you were there, man, you did your job. Stuff like that.

Kevin Nealon (77:44)

Yeah, yeah.

Donnie (77:45)

And the stand up scene around here is just a bunch of Chinese restaurants that guys sit outside all night long.

Adam Carolla (77:53)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (77:54)

Well, here's the thing, Brian. When you're starting out, you got to do everything. When I started out doing stand up, I was doing discos and working off the dance floor, working cruise ships. When they were pulling the anchor up, you couldn't even hear yourself. And you just do what you have to do. But, well, good luck with that and stop being a loner.

Donnie (78:12)

Sorry, Kevin.

Caller (78:13)

Didn't know you're on.

Donnie (78:13)

And I didn't mean to sound ungrateful, man. I just have a bad phone to live in New Hampshire.

Kevin Nealon (78:19)

No, that's okay. You're an improv guy, so you rolled with it. But thanks for your call. And, yeah, that's tough. I think everybody in New Hampshire must feel like a loner. It's pretty quiet up there. I mean, isn't that where all the Unabombers come from? Or am I thinking of something else somewhere, maybe in the Midwest? Yeah, those are some cold winters up there. You gotta be a loner to get through the winters. All right, let's take another call. We got Richard from Palmdale. How's it going, Richard? Good. How you doing? You 27? Yeah. Is this Richard?

Podcast Narrator (78:55)

Hey, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon (78:55)

How's it going?

Caller (78:56)

I just wanted to say I'm a big fan and I enjoy when you come onto the show with the eighth man. You guys do a great job bantering together.

Kevin Nealon (79:04)

Yeah, it's a lot of bantering is what it is.

Caller (79:07)

But my question was regarding your film roles. My favorite film role of yours is probably a toss up between a character in Grandma's Void as well as Happy Gilmore. And I was just wondering what of all your film roles was your favorite and most enjoyable to work on and to do?

Kevin Nealon (79:27)

Well, I have done a lot of the small parts in films. I've done mostly with Adam Sandler and Happy Gilmore. I think I had a great time doing that one. We went up to British Columbia to shoot that, and we got to play a little golf here and there, and that was cool. I also had fun doing the very first film I did with Steve Martin called Roxanne. I was drunk number two. I tried to get drunk number one, but my agent wasn't too good at the time. So it was me and Rich Scheidner. And we only had like, maybe a day or two of shooting, but we were up there. They kept us up there for a month because they were waiting for the right overcast, the right weather to shoot our scene in. And we had a great time. We rented mountain bikes, we just hung out. And it's just. It was just beautiful up there. If you ever saw the film, you could see that. It's quite the. Quite the area. So I would say probably Roxanne was the best experience I had. But, you know, Grandma's boy, that was a real sleeper. I. I didn't want to do that film because it seemed really low brow and sophomoric to me.

Adam Carolla (80:22)

And.

Kevin Nealon (80:22)

And then Sandler called me. He said, nealon, you know, you know, if you should do this film because if you, if you do it, if you don't do it and it's a big hit, I'll feel bad and you'll feel bad that you weren't in it. But you know, if you do it and it's not good, nobody will see it anyway, so what's the difference? So I ended up doing it and it was fun and not too many people went to see it when it's in the theaters, but apparently now it's a big cult hit. A lot of people, you know, see it on DVD.

Caller (80:46)

Yeah, I gotta tell you, I'm in my mid-20s and I don't know anybody my age hasn't seen it.

Kevin Nealon (80:53)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of people have seen that film now. And I just did another film with Happy Madison production company that Nick Swartzen's in. It's called Born to be a Star. And I think this is going to be a really. If it doesn't do well in the theaters, it's going to really kill and dvd. So Swartzen plays this kid who grows up in Oklahoma. He's the son of conservative parents, but he finds out that his parents were big porno stars in the 70s and he's intrigued by that and he wants to follow in their footsteps. So he moves out to California to Chatsworth area where they shoot all the porno films. I don't know why it's so conducive to shoot porno films in Chatsworth. Maybe they have tax write offs out there.

Caller (81:36)

So a lot of single moms, I'm sure.

Kevin Nealon (81:38)

Probably, yeah. So he moves out there and he finds out where all the porno, you know, the porno movies are and starts meeting directors at them and they bring him in for an audition and unfortunately he's a very tiny penis. So they all laugh at him. But he gets the last laugh because apparently he's very accommodating with the money shots. He's like, he's able to ejaculate at the drop of a hat. And not many people ejaculate at the drop of a hat. I don't think dropping a hat is that sexy, but he's able to do that. So he becomes a big star. But I play his abusive roommate in that movie. So I think that's going to be another one like Grandma's boy, if not even bigger. But thanks for your call.

Caller (82:23)

Thanks a lot for taking call and I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Kevin Nealon (82:26)

Thanks a lot, Richard. See ya. Yeah, it's hard to know. You know, in a few minutes, I might think, wait a minute. My favorite movie was Little Nicky, Although that one bombed. I always thought Little Nicky would do a lot better than it did. I mean, that had Harvey Keitel in it. And I got to meet Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney Dangerfield was sitting down on the set on a small chair, and I said to him, I said, rodney, how you doing, buddy? He goes, I'm coughing up blood now. And he was. He had some kind of allergy to the mold in his apartment. He thought it was from. And then I think he died, like, six months later. So that's an uplifting story for you. I'll take another call here from Jackson in Redondo beach. Hey, Jackson, you're 25.

Donnie (83:11)

I'm 25.

Kevin Nealon (83:12)

What's that like?

Donnie (83:14)

It's pretty good.

Kevin Nealon (83:15)

You could not live in a better place being 25 years old. I mean, that is party central down there. That and Hermosa Beach.

Adam Carolla (83:20)

Yeah.

Donnie (83:23)

I'm, I'm a really big fan. I love hearing Grandma's Boy. I love, love, love y.

Kevin Nealon (83:29)

Thank you.

Donnie (83:30)

I, I, I noticed that the pot club that you and Silas have in the show is. Is in Manhattan Beach.

Kevin Nealon (83:37)

You notice that? Sorry, you noticed that the pot clubs we have are in Manhattan Beach?

Caller (83:43)

Yeah, yeah.

Donnie (83:44)

Do you guys show them in other place in the South Bay?

Kevin Nealon (83:47)

Well, actually, that pot club was in the studio in Hollywood.

Donnie (83:50)

Well, I know the pot club, but, like, when you guys were outside with.

Kevin Nealon (83:53)

Oh, yeah.

Donnie (83:54)

With the police officer, you guys were on Highland.

Kevin Nealon (83:56)

Yeah, yeah. That was Manhattan Avenue.

Donnie (83:58)

Yeah. You guys. You guys film a lot in Manhattan or.

Kevin Nealon (84:01)

Yeah, we do. That's where Nancy Botwin. It's supposed to be down by the Mexican border. Well, yeah, but it's actually shot at Manhattan beach, and Nancy Botwin lives in a house there on one of the walk streets. So it was very, very convenient for me because I live down in the South Bay.

Donnie (84:19)

Right.

Kevin Nealon (84:20)

I didn't have to go that far to work. Although here's what the deal is. You know, you think you're gonna be. It's gonna be convenient, but then they gotta pick. You got to go to the base camp where they, you know, do all the makeup and hair work and stuff and wardrobe. So, you know, you gotta travel, like, another 15 minutes to get there and then get back to the set. So again, it seems like a lot of work.

Donnie (84:42)

So is it just Manhattan, or do you guys go to Hermosa and Redondo?

Kevin Nealon (84:47)

As far as I know, it's just Manhattan Beach. But, you know, there was a film a couple years ago, what was it called? Blow, that took place down in Manhattan beach, because back in the 70s, I think that's where it was kind of based on a lot of truth. There was a lot of stuff going on in Manhattan beach at certain. Certain areas in certain stores and bars.

Donnie (85:10)

Yeah. How did your show at the Comedy Magic Club go?

Kevin Nealon (85:15)

Well, those have been going good. I've been doing a series of shows down there, raising money for a friend of mine who came down with cancer. And here's the situation. Even if you have insurance now, when you have to copay, these radiation treatments and chemo treatments are so expensive that it'll put you out of the house and home. You know, you can't. It's very difficult to keep. To keep up with that. So you're unable to work when you're sick. So It's a catch 22 situation. So I put together a couple of benefit fundraisers for him, and they've been doing quite well. We started off with Chelsea Handler, and that sold out. We had Ray Romano. That was fun. We just had Dana Carvey last week. It was good to see him again because he lives up north and I don't get to see him that often. So we had a lot of fun. We reminisced about Hans and Franz. And then last night we had David Spade come down, and he did great, too. Spade used to rent my room from me when I lived in the Hollywood Hills when I first left to do Saturday Night Live, and he wasn't on the show yet. And I lived with Dana Carvey, lived over our garage. And then my friend who I'm doing the fundraisers for, he was one of our roommates. And then we had another comic that was a roommate, Bob Dubak. So that was a good. That was a good time. So those fundraisers are going great. And then I got another one March 23rd with Gary Shandling, Sarah Silverman, Roseanne Barr and myself, and Then one on April 1st with Howie Mandel. And you could go to friendsofbigjoe.com to get more information or to buy tickets, so hopefully people can come down and support that.

Donnie (86:46)

And they're all at the Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa beach, right?

Kevin Nealon (86:48)

They are. They are. Hey, thanks for your call. Thanks. See you. That was Jackson. Jackson from Redondo Beach. You got to have a name like Jackson if you live in Redondo Beach. All right, here's someone named Ezra. Ezra's from Chicago. Let's see what she's all about or he. Hello, Ezra.

Caller (87:11)

Hello, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon (87:12)

Hey, Ezra. You're from Chicago?

Donnie (87:14)

I am. I wanted to ask about a. Nothing else, kid.

Kevin Nealon (87:17)

Well, let me ask about your name first. What kind of name is Ezra?

Caller (87:21)

You know, it's biblical, I guess.

Kevin Nealon (87:22)

Is it short for Ezra? Melda? Esmeralda? I was thinking of. It's biblical.

Adam Carolla (87:29)

Yeah.

Caller (87:29)

Someone did tell me their sister was named Ezra once, and I didn't like that.

Kevin Nealon (87:33)

And their sister was in the Bible.

Donnie (87:35)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (87:36)

You know what else is a biblical name? Jesus or Jesus.

Donnie (87:41)

Jesus, that's right.

Kevin Nealon (87:42)

Yeah. Yeah. So what's your question, Ezra?

Donnie (87:46)

Well, I was curious about the magic.

Caller (87:48)

Fish town meeting SNL skit. That's my favorite of all time.

Kevin Nealon (87:51)

Would you remind me what that's about? I have no recollection of that.

Donnie (87:55)

That's.

Caller (87:55)

I think like the town mayor or something.

Donnie (87:58)

And there's a shortage of magic wish granting fish.

Kevin Nealon (88:03)

What do you. What are you smoking? Ezra, seriously.

Donnie (88:07)

No, this is. Listen, you don't have to be high to enjoy this kind of comedy.

Kevin Nealon (88:11)

I really don't remember that. Do you remember if I was on the cast at that time?

Caller (Female) (88:15)

Yeah.

Donnie (88:15)

No, you were like, you were leading.

Caller (88:17)

The town meeting, trying to figure out what to do about the shortage of magic fish.

Kevin Nealon (88:21)

Really?

Podcast Narrator (88:22)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (88:23)

You see, I was on that show for nine years. And you learn your lines and your sketches so quickly because you have to move on. And then you have a new show the next week that I've forgotten. A lot of sketches that I've been in. Sometimes I'll be flipping through the channels and I'll come across an old SNL rerun and I'll see me in a sketch and I have no idea what the sketch is about. And I'll finish watching it and I'll think, well, that was pretty funny, huh? They must have CGI'd me in there somehow, you know? What do you do?

Donnie (88:55)

What do I do? I'm supposed to be studying, but I.

Caller (88:57)

Saw that you were on the show.

Donnie (88:59)

And I had to call in.

Kevin Nealon (89:00)

Sweet. Well, get back to studying.

Donnie (89:03)

Sounds good.

Caller (89:03)

Thanks a lot, Ken.

Kevin Nealon (89:05)

I really sound like a father these days. I have a three year old and I'm not even sure how to be a father. I mean, I had a baby late in life, but I'm still doing all right. But it's weird having a kid at my age because here I am having a kid when all my other friends are already sending their kids off to rehab, actually. So it's kind of odd. But I don't mind. I don't mind. Hey, you know, we were supposed to call. Or actually, Super Dave was supposed to call in Bob Einstein. That's what he goes by. Super Dave. That's his TV name, Super Dave. He does that. All the stunts, you know, the fake stunts. And he's Albert Brooks's brother. I don't know what the real last name is, but. And Bob Einstein. I guess Albert changed his name because he didn't want to be Albert Einstein. So Bob is somebody that I met a couple years ago. He used to produce shows like the Smothers Brothers or. He's a writer on there and a whole bunch. He's been around for a while, but probably makes me laugh more than anybody else. He's just got a really dark sense of humor and just a real quick wit to him. And. Is he crazy? Yeah, he's probably a little crazy, too. So I'm gonna give him a call. And now here's the thing. He was supposed to call me in about 10 minutes, and I gave him the phone number. So I don't know if he's going to be home, but he'll probably put up a big stink about me calling him at. At, you know, early. All right, here we go. He's like, ace. He could talk about anything.

Donnie (90:52)

Hello?

Kevin Nealon (90:53)

Bob?

Donnie (90:54)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (90:55)

Kevin Nealon.

Donnie (90:56)

Hi.

Kevin Nealon (90:57)

How you doing, buddy?

Donnie (90:58)

Good.

Kevin Nealon (90:59)

I know you were supposed to call me, but I ran out of stuff to talk about, so I'm calling you at home right now. Is that all right?

Donnie (91:05)

You. You.

Caller (91:06)

You.

Donnie (91:06)

You. You. Wasn't I supposed to call you?

Kevin Nealon (91:11)

That's what I'm saying. What do you think I've been saying for the last 10 minutes?

Donnie (91:14)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Kevin Nealon (91:15)

You were supposed to call me, but I couldn't wait because I had nothing else to talk about, and I.

Donnie (91:21)

Do you want me to call you right now?

Kevin Nealon (91:23)

No, no, I've called you.

Adam Carolla (91:25)

You're.

Kevin Nealon (91:25)

You're on the phone right now. You're on. You're on the. I. On the podcast with me right now.

Donnie (91:29)

But the problem is this is a cell phone.

Kevin Nealon (91:34)

What's the problem?

Donnie (91:38)

Is the reception okay?

Kevin Nealon (91:41)

Yeah. If you sound like that all the time, it's okay.

Donnie (91:45)

Okay.

Kevin Nealon (91:45)

That's how you sound right now. Yeah.

Donnie (91:50)

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (91:53)

So what's going on, man? What are you up to today?

Donnie (91:56)

Well, you know, I just got out of the hospital.

Kevin Nealon (91:58)

No way. What happened?

Donnie (92:00)

Well, Sunday night I was watching the Barbara Walters special, and she asked Monique when was the last time she shaved her legs, and she said, 30 years ago. And then they showed her legs, and I don't remember anything after that.

Kevin Nealon (92:18)

Did you watch the Oscars?

Donnie (92:20)

And then, you know, Barbara was surprised that Monique said they had an open relationship. Yeah, that really shocked me, too. Can you imagine the sparks of trying to take that garter off at the wedding? So we still looking for Bin Laden? Because I played golf with him in La Quinta on Saturday.

Kevin Nealon (92:44)

Did you really?

Donnie (92:45)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (92:46)

Apparently we're not looking for him anymore. Hey, now, Bob, you. You. You have a show on Spike tv. Is that still on?

Donnie (92:55)

No, I did four of them and I. I may be doing more. I don't know yet.

Kevin Nealon (92:59)

What's it called?

Donnie (93:00)

It was called the Super Dates Spectacular. You were on that?

Kevin Nealon (93:05)

That's right. I was on it.

Donnie (93:07)

You played a song and you were great.

Kevin Nealon (93:10)

I was very funny. I. I've got to say that.

Donnie (93:13)

Funny. I gotta show it to you.

Kevin Nealon (93:15)

Do you have an episode? I'd love to see it.

Donnie (93:17)

I don't have a copy of it, but it was hysterical. I. I should put it on me. Let me ask you a question.

Kevin Nealon (93:24)

Yeah.

Donnie (93:26)

Are. Is this, like. Are we, like, on a sewing machine or something? Who do we reach here at the ipod?

Kevin Nealon (93:34)

We reach people that I guess listen to it on the Internet.

Donnie (93:40)

Yeah. Do you have some guy running today with the earphones and a computer?

Kevin Nealon (93:47)

Do you. Do you get on the Internet at all, Bob?

Donnie (93:50)

Am I in the Internet?

Kevin Nealon (93:51)

Yeah. Are you on. Do you Twitter? Do you Facebook?

Donnie (93:54)

Oh, no, I don't Twitter. I know Twitter and I know Facebook.

Kevin Nealon (93:58)

What do you. What do you do? How do you stay?

Donnie (94:00)

I just. I just. I'm on the child porn site.

Kevin Nealon (94:05)

Let me ask you a question.

Donnie (94:06)

Do you know what I would like to do? I would like to do a variety show, and I would like you to be my partner in this. And we have. It's an hour. We have comics. We have a lot of singing and some. Maybe even magic acts. And then the last 15 minutes, we take anybody who has touched a child improperly and we blow their heads off.

Kevin Nealon (94:33)

Nice.

Donnie (94:35)

We have five people that you can choose from, and you phone in, and whichever one you want, that's the one we kill.

Kevin Nealon (94:45)

Have you. Have you been abused? When you're a child, were you ever abused?

Donnie (94:49)

Would I abuse the child?

Kevin Nealon (94:51)

Yeah.

Donnie (94:53)

No, I. By Oprah's father. Oprah's father Abused Oprah's father.

Kevin Nealon (95:01)

You know, I gotta tell you, Bob, it's hard to hear you. Are you on a cell phone?

Donnie (95:05)

No, I'm on a cell phone. Do you want me to call you back on a regular phone?

Kevin Nealon (95:09)

No, I'm just asking you Are you on a cell phone?

Donnie (95:11)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (95:12)

Okay, because it's a little. A little difficult to hear.

Donnie (95:15)

Yeah, it's difficult to hear you, too.

Kevin Nealon (95:17)

So what, do you. You spend a lot of time in the desert, right?

Donnie (95:20)

Yes, I do.

Kevin Nealon (95:21)

Would that be the Sahara?

Donnie (95:23)

Want me to give you my address?

Kevin Nealon (95:25)

No, no, not at all. Not at all. I know exactly where you live.

Donnie (95:29)

Hey, let me ask you a question. Are you in the studio there with the cars?

Kevin Nealon (95:37)

I am. I'm in Adam Carolla's studio.

Donnie (95:41)

You're talking to him. They're working on cars next door.

Kevin Nealon (95:44)

I'm sorry, Bob, I couldn't hear you.

Donnie (95:46)

All right, let me call you.

Kevin Nealon (95:47)

No, no, no, this is fine. I hear you now. I hear you now.

Donnie (95:52)

I'm not supposed to call you. Go chat up.

Kevin Nealon (95:55)

I know, but we ran out of stuff to talk about, and she said you're my go to guy. You're my lifeline. Hey, let me ask you. Let me ask you a question, Bob.

Adam Carolla (96:03)

What.

Donnie (96:03)

What time. What time are we going on the Internet?

Adam Carolla (96:06)

It'll be on Friday.

Kevin Nealon (96:08)

Friday. Now, let me ask you a question. What's been getting your. What's been irritating you lately? What's been irritating you in the news lately?

Donnie (96:21)

Irritating me in the news?

Kevin Nealon (96:23)

Yeah. Yeah.

Donnie (96:25)

Really irritating me. Seriously? In the news?

Kevin Nealon (96:28)

Yeah. Anything going on lately? Like. Well, you know, we just had the Oscars recently. Let me ask you.

Adam Carolla (96:33)

You a question.

Kevin Nealon (96:34)

When will some gay guy design a dress that women can walk down three stairs in?

Donnie (96:40)

But why was the walk 420 yards?

Kevin Nealon (96:44)

Do you know why that show is so long? Because they have to walk 400 yards to get to the podium.

Donnie (96:49)

They didn't have to. Also, what about the opening number? I'm not sure what the reason for that was.

Kevin Nealon (96:55)

Didn't he host something recently? Was it the Emmys? What's his name? The three names?

Donnie (97:01)

Yes. Hey, could. Could I. Could you do me a great favor?

Kevin Nealon (97:05)

Yeah.

Donnie (97:06)

Let me call you back on a landline because right now I feel like I'm in a mental institution.

Kevin Nealon (97:13)

Are you on a cell phone now?

Donnie (97:15)

No, of course not. Can I call you right back at this number you gave me?

Kevin Nealon (97:20)

What are you gonna. What are you on now if you're not on a cell phone?

Donnie (97:23)

I'm on a cell phone.

Kevin Nealon (97:25)

So you are on a cell phone?

Donnie (97:27)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (97:28)

Yeah. You shouldn't be talking. You should have told me you're on a cell phone. I would add. You call me on a landline.

Donnie (97:32)

Let me call you right back at the number you gave.

Kevin Nealon (97:35)

You're not gonna call me back, are you?

Donnie (97:37)

I swear to God.

Kevin Nealon (97:38)

No, you're not. You're gonna go back golfing with bin Laden.

Donnie (97:40)

I said I'm gonna call you right now.

Kevin Nealon (97:43)

All right? I'm gonna trust you. Bye. Well, let's see if he calls back. What did I tell you? This guy, he doesn't listen. That's. I just remembered that you'll ask him a question and he will still keep talking about whatever it was he was talking about before. It takes him a while, I think, to kind of re. Snap. All right, here he is. He's calling back. Hello?

Donnie (98:07)

Hello, Bob? Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (98:08)

You're a man of your word.

Donnie (98:10)

I know. Can you speak up a little? Is that possible?

Kevin Nealon (98:14)

Yeah. You're a man of your word.

Donnie (98:15)

Thank you.

Kevin Nealon (98:16)

Yeah. So what's been get. What's been getting at you lately on TV or the. Oh, we're talking about the Oscars.

Donnie (98:23)

Well, the Oscars. Here's the problem with the Oscars, okay?

Kevin Nealon (98:26)

Yeah.

Donnie (98:27)

They come out, they do some jokes, and I don't know what the musical number was. I don't know what the song.

Adam Carolla (98:33)

All right.

Donnie (98:33)

I don't know what he was doing there.

Kevin Nealon (98:35)

Well, we're talking about Neil Patrick Harris.

Donnie (98:37)

Yes. Who did the Emmys and did a good job in the Emmys. But why do it again for no reason?

Kevin Nealon (98:43)

Well, here's what it is. I think that the producers probably think that the American public has a very small attention span and we need something to take us from one award show to the other that will realize that it is another award show because we remember this guy from the last one.

Donnie (99:00)

You know, you call me back and tell me when you're through.

Kevin Nealon (99:04)

Are you on a cell phone again?

Donnie (99:06)

No, I wish I was. I can barely hear you. But I guess they don't make a lot of money on out of show yet now.

Kevin Nealon (99:12)

They make tons of money.

Donnie (99:14)

They have a decent phone line.

Kevin Nealon (99:17)

Are you putting your mouth near the speaker?

Donnie (99:20)

It's got nothing to do with hearing. I don't hear out of my mouth.

Kevin Nealon (99:24)

So let me ask you something.

Donnie (99:25)

Go right ahead.

Kevin Nealon (99:29)

Who won the best actor award?

Donnie (99:31)

The best actor went to Jeff Bridges.

Kevin Nealon (99:33)

Yes. Now, was he been living in a commune or a hippie commune for the last 20 years?

Donnie (99:38)

But here's the problem. I see, but I.

Kevin Nealon (99:41)

But no. Answer my question.

Donnie (99:42)

No, but here's the problem. I see, I don't see him ever shaving that beard again. And I don't see him ever getting out of that character.

Kevin Nealon (99:52)

Everything was, man this, man that.

Donnie (99:54)

I didn't understand his acceptance speech.

Kevin Nealon (99:57)

Yeah, but he was very loose. And relaxed.

Donnie (99:59)

He was good. I'll tell you who was great, Monique. The guy who was in Inglourious Bastards. He was phenomenal.

Kevin Nealon (100:07)

Remind me of what he said again.

Donnie (100:09)

It doesn't matter what he said. I'm talking about his acting.

Kevin Nealon (100:13)

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was good. Now, what about Monique's speech?

Donnie (100:18)

I thought it was brilliant. I. I mean, I had a lot of trouble keeping my eyes off her legs. You know, 30 years. 30 years, someone in the family has to say, come here, sweetheart.

Kevin Nealon (100:33)

Well, here's the thing, Bob. Eventually she'll reach that age where those hairs turn gray and they won't be as visible anymore.

Donnie (100:39)

Well, she doesn't have to buy pants. You know, she just puts a little thread in there and you can't tell the difference.

Kevin Nealon (100:47)

You know what's interesting? You see some women on these shows and you know, they're not used to wearing dresses.

Donnie (100:52)

No, I know.

Kevin Nealon (100:53)

I'm not saying Monique is one of those, but I. Sometimes you could tell a woman is just not used to being in pumps and dresses.

Donnie (101:00)

I know. Now, what about what you think about the winner? What you think about. My. My feeling is I. I think that. That Avatar was such. When a movie makes $800 billion and is so brilliant, I think you gotta. I mean, I love the Hurt Locker, but it. But Avatar was insanely brilliant.

Kevin Nealon (101:27)

Well, I haven't seen Avatar, so I can't speak of that. But I'll tell you.

Donnie (101:30)

Have you seen the Godfather?

Kevin Nealon (101:33)

Yes, I have seen the Godfather.

Donnie (101:35)

It's good.

Kevin Nealon (101:36)

Yeah, because I have a three year old and it's hard to get out of the house. I'm lucky to be here right now and to see Avatar seemed like a lot of work.

Donnie (101:45)

No, no, no. If you've got to see it in IMAX 3D, it's unbelievably brilliant.

Kevin Nealon (101:50)

You know what? I got to be honest with you. I did actually see it, but I got mine from a copy from a bootleg copy from some Nigerian on the street. And I. You know, the quality is not as good. And you know, the 3D glasses came with a nose, so it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. And I watched it on an ipod, too, so I think I shortchanged myself there.

Donnie (102:10)

You just gotta see it on imac. It's just so much different.

Kevin Nealon (102:13)

But I'll tell you what the most entertaining part of the whole evening was.

Donnie (102:17)

I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you.

Kevin Nealon (102:19)

You let me talk. Okay? Go ahead.

Donnie (102:21)

It's when the guy comes up and is accepting the speech. And that pig came in and started talking.

Kevin Nealon (102:26)

What was that all about?

Donnie (102:28)

I couldn't know.

Kevin Nealon (102:29)

It was a Kanye west moment.

Donnie (102:31)

It was spectacular. Who was she?

Kevin Nealon (102:33)

It would have been funny if she pulled her face off like Mission Impossible style. And it was Kanye West.

Donnie (102:37)

It was. It was have been the greatest.

Kevin Nealon (102:39)

I didn't even know what she was talking about.

Donnie (102:41)

Now let me ask you this. Does this. Does this ipod go all over the country?

Kevin Nealon (102:46)

It's a podcast.

Donnie (102:47)

Well, don't correct me. I'm not. I'm not interested in what it is.

Kevin Nealon (102:51)

I'm not correcting you. I'm just steering you straight.

Donnie (102:53)

Okay, my question to you is. A week ago, Shaja Gabor's husband announced that he's running for governor of California.

Kevin Nealon (103:06)

Are you kidding me?

Donnie (103:07)

No, I'm serious.

Kevin Nealon (103:08)

Wait a minute. Before you go in this direction, let me just one more statement about the Oscars. The most entertaining. Entertaining part of it was when James Cameron's ex wife won both of those awards sitting right in front of him. Would you agree or disagree?

Donnie (103:23)

I agree. I. I loved it so much. I couldn't stand it because he was so full of fake happy.

Kevin Nealon (103:30)

Fake happy is right.

Donnie (103:32)

All the smiling and all the things, and she's going up there and Streisand. And finally. It's not just that she won. It was finally. Yeah, and they won. They won for everything.

Kevin Nealon (103:46)

They did. I know, but, you know, it's got to be really difficult when you've worked so hard on a film and somebody else wins. And you're right, there's a lot of fake happiness going on there and fake accolades.

Donnie (103:59)

Have you ever been to the Oscars?

Kevin Nealon (104:00)

No.

Donnie (104:01)

Well, what's great is after 30 minutes, you've got 17 or 18 losers. Then it becomes 50 losers and 200 losers, and it's just an angry mob.

Kevin Nealon (104:19)

Do you know who I saw?

Donnie (104:20)

No one wishes in luck. No one wants anybody to win.

Kevin Nealon (104:24)

Even if you're so successful, you still want people to fail. Why. Why is that with you, Bob?

Donnie (104:30)

I don't feel that way. Why was that turned on to me?

Kevin Nealon (104:35)

But I like it.

Donnie (104:37)

Do you feel that it's outrageous that Kim Kardashian gets $50,000 to come to a party?

Kevin Nealon (104:48)

I heard she gets $10,000 per Twitter if she promotes something.

Donnie (104:51)

And is it $53,000 to come to. I'll pay her 25,000 never to drive on my street.

Kevin Nealon (105:00)

Why do you have such disdain for Kim Kardashian?

Donnie (105:03)

I just don't understand show business today.

Kevin Nealon (105:06)

Two minutes ago. Two minutes.

Donnie (105:08)

Kardashian family, and Bruce is the prettiest.

Kevin Nealon (105:14)

Two minutes ago, you told me you had nothing.

Donnie (105:16)

Been 30 years since Bruce shaved his face.

Kevin Nealon (105:20)

I think Monique has probably shaved probably earlier than Bruce.

Donnie (105:25)

I think Monique could sell some hair to Bruce's face.

Kevin Nealon (105:29)

You know, two minutes ago you told me you wish happiness for everybody in the business, and now here you are.

Donnie (105:34)

Well, who's in the business? Are the Kardashians in the business?

Kevin Nealon (105:39)

Well, are you not a fan of reality shows? I mean, that's all that's on now.

Donnie (105:43)

I absolutely love it. I love this Millionaire matchmaker.

Kevin Nealon (105:46)

I've not seen that one yet.

Donnie (105:47)

You haven't?

Kevin Nealon (105:48)

No.

Donnie (105:50)

Oh, my God. It's fab. You know, it's really good.

Kevin Nealon (105:54)

Here's.

Donnie (105:55)

Here's the Housewife. Shows are great. And the Bachelor.

Kevin Nealon (106:00)

Here's the three shows that I watch, the reality shows. I watch Celebrity Apprentice. I watch American Idol.

Donnie (106:09)

Do you watch Celebrity Apprentice?

Kevin Nealon (106:10)

I do. I did.

Donnie (106:12)

Why?

Kevin Nealon (106:13)

Because I had a few friends on there that were in it.

Donnie (106:17)

And.

Kevin Nealon (106:17)

And that's a show I think you should consider.

Donnie (106:20)

I am considering it.

Kevin Nealon (106:21)

I think you would be good.

Donnie (106:22)

I'd like to go on there and work for Donald Trump.

Kevin Nealon (106:25)

I used to watch Dancing with the Stars, but not anymore. And I. I watched Celebrity Rehab once, and I like that.

Donnie (106:31)

Yeah, but it's a joke.

Kevin Nealon (106:33)

Have you seen who was on there, Rob? It was the. The Madam Flies. Heidi Fleiss.

Donnie (106:39)

Heidi Fleiss.

Kevin Nealon (106:40)

Dennis Rodman, and then Michelle Phillips. No, not Michelle Phillips. What's her name? Philip McKenzie.

Donnie (106:48)

Yeah, MacKenzie Phillips.

Kevin Nealon (106:50)

Mackenzie Phillips. Philip Mackenzie is her brother.

Donnie (106:53)

Yes. She has a few problems. Mackenzie.

Kevin Nealon (106:56)

Yeah. But do you think that if they really want help, they should go on something like that?

Donnie (107:01)

No, I think maybe you just don't go on Celebrity Rehab, because I just think it's a television show.

Kevin Nealon (107:06)

Yeah.

Donnie (107:07)

And every time, everything is so fake. The thing. The thing that kills me is the Bachelor, when the girl. The whole show takes three weeks to tape, and the girl has gone out with a guy once, and she's sobbing that he didn't marry her.

Kevin Nealon (107:22)

Yeah.

Donnie (107:24)

Are you gonna be on there?

Kevin Nealon (107:25)

No, no, I'm not going to be on that one. I was just listening to Howard Stern today, though, and they had all the Tigers girls come on.

Donnie (107:31)

Tiger girls? Yeah. They want to add sex with Tiger.

Kevin Nealon (107:35)

Yeah. And it's amazing how they will just turn on you on somebody that, you know, they were intimate with for the money.

Donnie (107:42)

I don't. It's the first time that's ever happened.

Kevin Nealon (107:46)

You know, I kind of get the Whole tiger thing because I have a wandering eye myself. But my other one, though, luckily, is a lazy eye. So they kind of cancel each other out.

Donnie (107:54)

So they kind of meet. Yeah, yeah, but the lazy eye never really catches the wandering eye, does it?

Kevin Nealon (108:00)

No, it doesn't.

Donnie (108:01)

It seems like a lot more clever.

Kevin Nealon (108:05)

Yeah.

Donnie (108:05)

And it's the one that, that your wife is watching all the time.

Kevin Nealon (108:10)

So. Bob, you have been Super Dave for a very, very long time.

Donnie (108:14)

Yeah, I have.

Kevin Nealon (108:15)

You do the, you do the, the stuntman who always messes up and you, you pretend that everything goes right. Is that a good way to sum it up?

Donnie (108:26)

Do me a favor. Don't ever call me again. Not even socially.

Kevin Nealon (108:33)

So I remember watching you on the Tonight show with Johnny Carson.

Donnie (108:36)

Yep. I did a lot of Johnny Carson.

Kevin Nealon (108:38)

And, and he loved you. I could tell how much he loved you.

Donnie (108:41)

Yes, it was, it was spectacular.

Kevin Nealon (108:43)

And what kind of relationship did you have with him? Was it personal? Did you ever spend any time with him?

Donnie (108:49)

I went to dinner with him once, but, but I, I didn't, I wasn't part of the poker playing gang or anything like that.

Kevin Nealon (108:55)

Right.

Donnie (108:56)

But I really, I mean I loved doing that show because it was, you know, there was, it was just one of a kind.

Kevin Nealon (109:06)

Yeah.

Donnie (109:06)

And he really, he, he really understood that if you scored his show. Scored. He really got that. He never tried to top anybody.

Kevin Nealon (109:19)

Yeah, yeah. No. He wanted you to get the laughs.

Donnie (109:23)

Huh?

Kevin Nealon (109:23)

He was, he was, he was secure enough to want you to get the laughs.

Donnie (109:27)

I know, I know. It was just so much fun. Do you remember Steve Allen?

Kevin Nealon (109:32)

Yeah.

Donnie (109:33)

When I was a kid, I did, did his show.

Kevin Nealon (109:36)

What do you mean? How did you do his show when you were a kid?

Donnie (109:38)

Well, I was, I was like 22.

Kevin Nealon (109:42)

Right.

Donnie (109:42)

And I, I co hosted his local television show and his radio show. He was like a second father to me.

Kevin Nealon (109:51)

Really? And who was your, who was like a first father to you?

Donnie (109:55)

Jane Meadows.

Kevin Nealon (109:56)

Jane Meadows, his wife. Nice, nice, nice. So what do you got coming up? Is there anything that you want to plug?

Donnie (110:03)

Well, I hope to be doing.

Kevin Nealon (110:08)

Avatar 2.

Donnie (110:10)

Did you ask me the question? Are you just gonna make jokes?

Kevin Nealon (110:13)

Let me ask you a different question.

Donnie (110:15)

What are we doing here? Are we in a bar?

Kevin Nealon (110:19)

Let me ask you a question. If James Cameron asked you to do Avatar 2 but you had to work, be completely covered in blue and unrecognizable, would you be in the movie?

Donnie (110:30)

Would I do it?

Kevin Nealon (110:31)

Yeah.

Donnie (110:32)

What was he going to pay me?

Kevin Nealon (110:33)

$200.

Donnie (110:36)

Well, how long would it take?

Kevin Nealon (110:37)

It would take a couple of Months. But you could say that you were an avatar too.

Donnie (110:43)

Yeah, but I don't know if I. That. That isn't a real good offer.

Kevin Nealon (110:47)

Well, it's a start.

Donnie (110:48)

Sound like something that I want.

Kevin Nealon (110:53)

What are you doing right now?

Donnie (110:55)

Right now I'm on the ipod with you.

Kevin Nealon (110:58)

It's the podcast. It's a podcast.

Donnie (110:59)

When do I get to hear this? Where do I have to go to hear it?

Kevin Nealon (111:03)

Well, listen. Right now you can hear it. Listen now as you speak and you can hear it.

Donnie (111:07)

Well, that's as close as I'm going to get to hearing it. Are you going to listen to it?

Kevin Nealon (111:13)

Yeah, I'm definitely going to listen to it. I'm listening to it right now.

Donnie (111:15)

I hope you hear it when it comes on because I'm having a lot of trouble. Trouble. My voice is kind of screwed up worse than normal today and.

Kevin Nealon (111:24)

Well, that's from living out in the desert. The Sahara. The Sahara will do that to you.

Donnie (111:27)

It happens that way.

Kevin Nealon (111:29)

Yeah. You could actually hear this on Adam Carolla.com on Friday.

Donnie (111:33)

Oh, really?

Kevin Nealon (111:34)

Yeah. On your now.

Donnie (111:35)

Where's Adam today?

Kevin Nealon (111:36)

He's. Adam will be back March 16th. He's doing his pilot for NBC.

Donnie (111:41)

Oh, what is that pilot?

Kevin Nealon (111:43)

It's a pilot where he plays himself, I guess, and it's based on his life. And here's the. Here's the worst thing, Bob. And when you do a reality show about yourself and they cancel it, that's kind of pathetic because they're saying that your life is really not worth watching. Is that true?

Donnie (112:01)

That's true. That is true. So Adam's doing a pilot for NBC?

Kevin Nealon (112:08)

I believe so, yeah.

Donnie (112:10)

Called the Adam Carolla Show.

Kevin Nealon (112:12)

I don't know what it's called. Ace Something Ventura. Ace Glendale.

Donnie (112:16)

Ace Ventura.

Kevin Nealon (112:18)

Private Eye, something like that.

Donnie (112:19)

Are you gonna be on it?

Kevin Nealon (112:21)

I don't think so. I'll just. I'll just fill in for him on his podcast here.

Donnie (112:25)

But maybe you and I could be next door neighbors. We could be thorny.

Kevin Nealon (112:29)

Were you in any series that people would. Would recognize you from? I know that you're on Curb. Right. You to curb your enthusiasm.

Donnie (112:35)

Yeah, I did.

Kevin Nealon (112:37)

And what was it like working with Larry David?

Donnie (112:39)

The greatest.

Kevin Nealon (112:40)

The greatest.

Donnie (112:41)

I love him.

Kevin Nealon (112:43)

Now, when you say the greatest, you're excluding a lot of people.

Donnie (112:46)

When I said what?

Kevin Nealon (112:47)

When you say the greatest, you're excluding a lot of people.

Donnie (112:50)

No, no, it was the. I didn't say he was the greatest. I said it was the greatest time.

Kevin Nealon (112:56)

Oh, I see.

Donnie (112:57)

I love him.

Kevin Nealon (112:59)

Okay.

Donnie (113:00)

Nothing but fun. And the main Thing is, it's all ad lib, so you don't have to sit and I mean, you really have to listen to the person you're talking to.

Kevin Nealon (113:10)

And what's your character on that, on that show?

Donnie (113:12)

Marty Funkhouser. And don't you watch the show?

Kevin Nealon (113:17)

I watch it once. I TiVo it. I never watch shows. I TiVo them. That's what I tell my actor friends.

Donnie (113:23)

Do you play it?

Kevin Nealon (113:24)

No, I don't have time. My entertainment on TiVo, I don't even have TiVo.

Donnie (113:29)

It's a DVR joke I told Seinfeld at the table read.

Kevin Nealon (113:33)

No. What, you want to relive that one? What was it?

Donnie (113:37)

Well, it's probably too dirty for iPod.

Kevin Nealon (113:40)

No, it's a podcast. You could say it.

Donnie (113:42)

You can?

Kevin Nealon (113:42)

Yeah.

Donnie (113:43)

Are you sure?

Kevin Nealon (113:44)

Yeah, I'm positive. We could barely hear you anyway, so I don't think people will hear it.

Donnie (113:48)

You should. You better check with the people in that.

Kevin Nealon (113:51)

They're nodding their head and giving their thumbs up right now. Actually, they're giving the middle finger up.

Donnie (113:55)

Give them the finger. Give me the thumbs up.

Kevin Nealon (113:57)

Okay.

Donnie (113:58)

What am I, a goddamn horse?

Kevin Nealon (114:00)

Go ahead. What happened? What? What was the joke?

Donnie (114:03)

Well, I went up to. I came to the read through. Why don't you watch the show?

Kevin Nealon (114:08)

Because I'm too busy. I've got a life. I TiVo a lot of shows, but my entertainment with The DVR and TiVo is not watching them, but making space for new shows.

Donnie (114:19)

Okay, so I. I met. I'm at a table read of Seinfeld.

Kevin Nealon (114:22)

Yeah.

Donnie (114:24)

And I'm uninvited.

Kevin Nealon (114:27)

This is on curb your enthusiasm.

Donnie (114:29)

Okay, you know what? I'm not going to tell it because if you're going to do this.

Kevin Nealon (114:33)

No, no. I just want to set the audience.

Donnie (114:35)

To a bad wife.

Kevin Nealon (114:36)

I want the audience to know if they just tuned in what you're talking about.

Donnie (114:41)

If they just tuned into what?

Kevin Nealon (114:42)

To this podcast.

Donnie (114:45)

They don't just tune in a podcast.

Kevin Nealon (114:50)

Yes, they do. They. I don't mean. I mean figuratively. They were daydreaming because they weren't interested until now.

Donnie (114:56)

Why don't we do a real radio show? We won't waste this.

Kevin Nealon (115:00)

All right, so you're explaining something to Jerry Seinfeld at the table read.

Donnie (115:04)

Yeah. And I said, you want to hear a joke? He said, no, And I tell it. I said, a woman's getting married. I shouldn't tell his this. Too dirty. Check with those tools in the boat.

Kevin Nealon (115:15)

I just check with those tools and it's okay.

Donnie (115:18)

You know, when I did Adam's show. I asked everyone, how you doing? You make a lot of money? Everyone said, we don't make any money. What are they doing there?

Kevin Nealon (115:30)

They're really. They're really in the control booth right now. They've got headphones on and they're. They're turning dials and stuff, so. And they're behind glass, so I can't even talk to them.

Donnie (115:37)

But I sure. They've all been on America's Most Wanted.

Kevin Nealon (115:42)

No, they're on that pedophile show.

Donnie (115:44)

Why do you want. Oh, did you love that show?

Kevin Nealon (115:47)

That was a good show.

Donnie (115:48)

That was my all time favorite.

Kevin Nealon (115:50)

You like that one?

Donnie (115:51)

Oh. Guy comes in completely naked, sits down, and then that turd comes around the corner.

Caller (Female) (115:58)

Hi.

Donnie (116:00)

What are you doing here? Well, I just came to help the with his homework. Why is your out.

Kevin Nealon (116:07)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, easy with the vulgarity.

Donnie (116:11)

I thought you said we can't do.

Kevin Nealon (116:13)

No, no, no, no. Not on the podcast.

Donnie (116:19)

I'm kidding.

Kevin Nealon (116:19)

Go ahead. So. So he comes in and he's helping him with the homework.

Donnie (116:30)

Just want to help her with. Help her with the homework. Do you know she's 13? Yeah. Well, what do you do? How old are you? 28. What do you do? I'm a teacher. And you came here to help? Yes. Well, that isn't what you said on your thing. You center on the Internet. You said you have big balls and you'd like to.

Kevin Nealon (116:59)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, bop, bop. Come on. I'm gonna have to disconnect you if you continue with it for Gary.

Donnie (117:04)

We're on the podcast.

Kevin Nealon (117:05)

Yeah, we're on the podcast.

Donnie (117:06)

We can't say that.

Kevin Nealon (117:07)

Yeah, no, we can say, go ahead.

Donnie (117:09)

What about all the thumbs up?

Kevin Nealon (117:14)

Go ahead.

Donnie (117:15)

What about all the guys that are.

Kevin Nealon (117:17)

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Adam Carolla (117:18)

What else?

Donnie (117:18)

Why'd you draw the dollar?

Kevin Nealon (117:21)

What else? So.

Donnie (117:23)

So I don't know what I could say.

Kevin Nealon (117:25)

No, you go ahead. It's very loose, so it's. There's no parameters at all in this show.

Donnie (117:30)

So finally they said, you want to go? He said, yes. Guy goes outside, and 328police slam him in the ground. Every single show. Then what? Then there was a guy who was a rabbi. You remember that?

Kevin Nealon (117:47)

No, I didn't see that one.

Donnie (117:48)

A rabbi came and he was. He came for a boy.

Kevin Nealon (117:54)

Wow.

Donnie (117:55)

What are you here for? I want to teach him the Torah. Why did you show him a picture of your ass hairs?

Kevin Nealon (118:04)

All right, all right, Bob. Why do you ruin a perfectly good story with bringing the smut into it? Like That.

Donnie (118:09)

I can't say that on the ipod.

Kevin Nealon (118:11)

No, no. It's a clean show.

Donnie (118:13)

But how can you.

Kevin Nealon (118:14)

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether it's a podcast or. Or not. I'm here and it's a. You know, we have a little bit of class in it. Go ahead.

Donnie (118:22)

I can't tell you the joke.

Kevin Nealon (118:23)

No, no, I want to hear it. You could say whatever you want.

Donnie (118:25)

No, no. They're giving you the thumbs up for the jokes.

Kevin Nealon (118:27)

Yeah, yeah, it's all thumbs up. They want to hear it. They're nodding their head, they're smiling.

Caller (118:31)

Sure they are.

Donnie (118:32)

They don't make any money. Why are you worried about these people smiling? They're all institutionalized.

Kevin Nealon (118:38)

Why are you worried about these people? You are.

Donnie (118:40)

Coward.

Kevin Nealon (118:40)

In a little closet somewhere, curled up in the fetal position. They're not going to find you. Yeah, they're looking at me through the window. They're still the thumbs up.

Donnie (118:47)

As soon as the show's over, they start oiling the car. They're all giving the thumbs up.

Kevin Nealon (118:57)

Yeah, go ahead. So they got all the cops.

Donnie (119:00)

It's the foulest joke and the funniest joke in the history of the world.

Kevin Nealon (119:04)

Oh, now this is the one you're going to tell that you told Seinfeld?

Donnie (119:07)

Yes.

Kevin Nealon (119:08)

Do you know that I was at a Knicks game once in New York City and Walter Cronkite pulled me aside? This is in the green VIP room. At the time, I was vip, and he told me the dirtiest BJ joke.

Donnie (119:23)

What do you mean, bj?

Kevin Nealon (119:25)

You know what I mean. Don't bring that smut into my show.

Donnie (119:27)

No, you say it.

Kevin Nealon (119:29)

No, I'm not saying it. You know what it means?

Donnie (119:31)

I'm not telling the joke.

Kevin Nealon (119:32)

Oh, come on. You can say anything. They're giving the thumbs up. Go ahead.

Donnie (119:39)

I'll give you a good one. That isn't too dirty.

Kevin Nealon (119:41)

No, no. I want to hear the Seinfeld one.

Donnie (119:43)

Two women on a bridge.

Kevin Nealon (119:44)

Is this the Seinfeld joke?

Donnie (119:46)

Nope.

Kevin Nealon (119:46)

Why? Why are you so ashamed?

Donnie (119:48)

Two women on a bridge says, you know what, Helen? I've always wanted to pee off this Jewish bridge, just like men do. She says, go ahead. There's no one around. So she goes over the railing, drop, not too short, sticks her ass over the rail and says, come here. I'm gonna pee right down there in that canoe. She says, not a canoe. It's your reflection.

Kevin Nealon (120:11)

They're giving the thumbs down now they're giving it. That's a good one. So that's the One. You told Seinfeld.

Donnie (120:19)

No, I'm not telling the Seinfeld.

Kevin Nealon (120:20)

Come on, come on. You got us hanging on the edge here.

Donnie (120:24)

No, because you're really judge it.

Kevin Nealon (120:26)

No, I won't. It's, it's. You could say whatever you want on this show. There's no parameters, there's no sensors. This is the time to let loose.

Donnie (120:32)

Are they giving the thumbs up?

Adam Carolla (120:33)

Yes.

Kevin Nealon (120:34)

They're not only giving the thumbs up. They have every everything up.

Donnie (120:37)

They have a lot of authority, you know.

Kevin Nealon (120:39)

They do, yeah.

Donnie (120:42)

As soon as the show's over, they're back to the home. Right back to the mental institution. Okay. Woman's very afraid of sides were opening.

Kevin Nealon (120:51)

What was that?

Donnie (120:52)

Okay, never mind.

Kevin Nealon (120:53)

No, no, I want to make sure I hear every word of it.

Donnie (120:55)

I'm not telling it.

Kevin Nealon (120:56)

Come on, Bob.

Donnie (120:57)

No, because you're going to be shocked. Can they bleep this? Yes.

Kevin Nealon (121:00)

Yes. They're not going to bleep it, though. This is podcast.

Donnie (121:03)

Woman's Ball was on. It was on Larry's show.

Adam Carolla (121:07)

Yeah.

Kevin Nealon (121:07)

So it's no problem.

Donnie (121:08)

Woman's very afraid of the size. I'm telling you beforehand, it's the funniest. I had to tell it 10 times when I told it because I couldn't stop laughing.

Kevin Nealon (121:20)

All right, let's hear it. What do you got? Go ahead.

Donnie (121:22)

Woman's very franchise for opening. So she goes to her mother, she said, what am I to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry, Harry's going to divorce me. She says, don't worry, sweetheart, it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there, I'll never know the difference. So she does. They get married, they have eight hours of sex. She wakes up, it's 10 o', clock, he's gone. But there's a note on her pillow says, my darling Harriet, to think that I waited a year to consummate our love relationship makes my heart beat so loudly. I'm surprised I didn't wake you up. The only reason I didn't wake you up, my sweetheart, is the sun was shining through the window on your face and you were like the pot of gold at the end of my love rainbow. The only reason I'm not here now, darling, is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house. A picket fence will have dogs and children. When the five o' clock dinner bell rings, I'll be home like the we had gossip with love in your arms Your loving husband, Harry. P.S. your cunt is in the sink.

Kevin Nealon (122:18)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Maybe we misunderstood each other. You cannot say that on a podcast. You cannot. What do I have to do, spell it out to you? What?

Donnie (122:33)

I.

Kevin Nealon (122:37)

That's a good one. But now, was that on Kirby enthusiasm?

Donnie (122:40)

No, listen to me. That's.

Kevin Nealon (122:44)

I think that was a king of queens.

Donnie (122:46)

That's not a good one. That's the funniest joke in the history of jokes. That's not a good one. That's a good one. What am I. What am I to the Cisco Kid.

Kevin Nealon (122:58)

Now? That was a good one. And, you know, you had it perfectly memorized, but I felt that you weren't putting your heart into it. I think you've told that joke so many times, you were rushing through it just to get to the C word. You wanted to get to the C.

Donnie (123:09)

Word 10 times when we did Curb, because they wouldn't stop laughing.

Kevin Nealon (123:17)

Do you. Do you. Do you ever feel bad at all about being so filthy? Hello. Hello. Anyway, I want to thank you for sharing that with us, because obviously that meant a lot to you.

Donnie (123:36)

You know what? It got so much off my chest.

Kevin Nealon (123:42)

It really did. Hey, I just want to remind everybody that Adam will be back March 16, and that is a little over a week from now, I think. I don't even know what today is, to be honest with you. According to my pillbox, today is f. That's all I know.

Donnie (123:55)

Are you going to be. Are you going to be hosting every day?

Kevin Nealon (123:59)

No. This is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yeah, but you should think about doing something like this, Bob, because you.

Adam Carolla (124:07)

You.

Donnie (124:07)

What I'd like to do is either do that or go into a closet and yell, because more people here, if you get on the bus and talk to them.

Kevin Nealon (124:15)

Yeah.

Donnie (124:17)

Do they have a huge listenership?

Kevin Nealon (124:21)

Yeah, they do. They've got a lot. You should look it up on the Internet. But, Bob, they're giving me the thumbs down now, which means that they want me to hang up.

Donnie (124:27)

Oh, come. You know what? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Kevin Nealon (124:33)

No, I. I don't know how to let you down easily. That. But we're done talking.

Donnie (124:37)

How do they know?

Kevin Nealon (124:39)

Because they have a time. They have a clock on the wall, and the show's only about an hour, maybe a little bit less.

Donnie (124:45)

But I. I gave you so much money.

Kevin Nealon (124:48)

You gave me a lot of filth. You gave me a lot of smut is what you gave me. But I want to thank you for. For calling in you. You said you would and you did, sort of. You called back and you make me laugh. Before I called you, I told these people that you make me laugh more than anybody, usually. And today was.

Donnie (125:15)

An exception to anything?

Kevin Nealon (125:17)

No, but today was not an exception.

Donnie (125:20)

Oh, sweetie. You know what I'm doing right now? Shaving my legs.

Adam Carolla (125:25)

Wow.

Donnie (125:25)

It's been 30 years.

Kevin Nealon (125:27)

Wow. Do you know Garry Shandling has one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard? Aside from the joke you just told me. He said that sometimes, you know, he's kind of lonely, but sometimes what he'll do is he'll shave one of his legs so it feels like he's sleeping with a woman.

Donnie (125:41)

I like that at night. Yeah, I really like that.

Kevin Nealon (125:44)

That's a good one. That's a good one. But, Bob, it was great talking to.

Donnie (125:48)

You kids walking down the hallway, geez.

Kevin Nealon (125:50)

We'Re not gonna get rid of this guy.

Donnie (125:52)

They're screaming in his parents bedroom. Opens the door, there's his father dressed only in chaps. Mother's dressed in a cheerleading outfit, no underwear, and they're going at it. He says, daddy, what's going on? He says, don't worry, Bill, go to bed. I'll talk to you in a little while. Twenty minutes later, father's walking down the hall here, screaming in the kid's bedroom. Opens the door, his kids having sex with his grandmother. He said, billy, what are you doing? He said, it's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?

Kevin Nealon (126:25)

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Donnie (126:27)

You like that one?

Kevin Nealon (126:28)

I liked it. I like them all. I like them all. But I want to thank you for coming on, Bob. I know that you have a. You're a very busy man with your golf and you're lounging by the pool and. Thanks for making the time to call in.

Donnie (126:41)

Well, you know what? Thanks for inviting me. And the next time you do a show with no listeners, call me up, okay? And you know what? I'll talk to you for two hours.

Kevin Nealon (126:50)

All right? That sounds good. I'll talk to you later, Bob.

Donnie (126:52)

Tell all the guys there I said hello, and I can't wait to be back with.

Kevin Nealon (127:01)

Somehow you got cut out there, Bob. I can't hear you. I'll talk to you later.

Donnie (127:06)

Tell them I can't wait to come back down without him.

Kevin Nealon (127:09)

Okay, sounds good. Okay.

Donnie (127:13)

Put all their money together and buy an ice cream cone.

Adam Carolla (127:15)

All right, Bye.

Kevin Nealon (127:16)

Bye. Boy, you know that guy will just keep going and going and going if you don't hang up on him. I think he's lonely. I think he's lonely. But anyway, thank you, Bob Einstein, AKA Super Dave. Anyway, this has been a lot of fun doing this. I see why Adam likes to do this show. Adam will be back March 16th if you're listening. And again, if you want to come down to support a good cause at the Comedy Magic club, go to friendsofbigjoe.com and March 23rd, we have Garry Shandling, Sarah Silverman and Roseanne Barr and myself at the Comedy Magic Club. And then on April 1st, we have Howie Mandel. So go to friendsofbigjoe.com to find out more information or to buy tickets. And I've been Kevin Nealon and you've been you. And thanks for listening and hope to see you again sometime. Mahalo.

Podcast Narrator (128:11)

All right, that's Adam cooler show 278. That does it for today's cool classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, Mollo and get it on.

Adam Carolla (128:40)

Never. Hey, fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Carolla show that's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of the Adam Corlan Dr. Drew Show. You'll also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month. A pittance for all we're going to bring you subscribe now@adamcarolla.com substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called Substack Pluto TV Stream. Now pay never.