Marc Maron + Nick Offerman (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Marc Maron + Nick Offerman (Carolla Classics)
Episode Date: November 29, 2025 | Guests: Marc Maron, Nick Offerman

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Episode Overview

In this Carolla Classics episode, Adam revisits two standout interviews: Marc Maron's debut on Adam's podcast (episode 255, 2010) and Nick Offerman's first appearance (episode 311, 2010). The episode is a blend of comedy, candid conversation, and practical wisdom, highlighting the unique chemistry Adam brings with diverse guests—this time, a podcast pioneer (Maron) and a craftsman-actor (Offerman). Through their discussions, listeners get insight into early podcasting, work ethic, family backgrounds, hands-on skills, masculinity, and more—with Adam’s trademark rants and playful, often unfiltered humor anchoring the show.

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Segment 1: Adam Carolla & Marc Maron (Ep. 255 - 2010)

Podcasting Origins & Early Days (04:43–13:00)

• Podcasting history: Discussion kicks off with mutual memories of radio days, podcast migrations, and the dawn of monetizing podcasts.
  • Marc Maron: "[Podcasting] was NPR-style—I’d just say, look, we want to stay listener supported. I do a rolling subscription, or just a donation." (16:13)
  • Adam Carolla describes early live shows as a revenue stream, combining free and paid bonus episodes:
  • Adam: "We’ll do two live shows... we’ll give you one show and sell you the second one. If you choose not to buy it, we’ll have a podcast that day anyway." (15:00)

Navigating Self-Doubt and Humor (05:00–09:20)

• Marc recounts being edited out of Adam’s memory, radio confusion, and how easily he is gaslit (“…if someone said, ‘you don’t have a dick, you have a pussy,’ I’d be like, ‘You sure?’”) (05:09)
• Both riff on how anxiety and second-guessing manifests, e.g., driving with others or when a cop is behind you.
  • Adam: "I can be totally sober, high noon, look into my rearview, see the cop... the flop sweat starts." (07:25)

Sports, Masculinity & Choking (08:18–11:54)

• Adam talks about pressure in sports and the difference between those who choke and those who rise—connecting this to comedy and being ‘in the moment.’
  • Marc: "My sporting career ended in Little League, I got hit in the face with a ball in center field and I knew I wasn’t cut out for it." (09:48)
  • On fandom: "Then I understood the compulsion... but I watch sports like a girl—literally." (10:49)

Monetization & The Early Podcast Hustle (14:07–16:59)

• Both hosts share how they tried to monetize: Adam with premium live shows, Marc with the donation/NPR model.
  • Adam: "We keep the lights on here at the warehouse. That seems like a good plan." (16:07)

Life, Sex, and Regret: Classic Carolla (17:12–21:10)

• Their banter pivots from intern jokes to stories of sexual misadventure, regret, and how men and women process past relationships.
  • Adam: "Nobody needs the awkward, sort of ironing board lean against you with the weird palm pat on the back." (45:10)
  • Maron shares wild, regret-tinged stories about his doorman days at the Comedy Store, intense times with Sam Kinison, and substance use’s toll.

Parental Advice & Showbiz (22:18–28:14)

• Hilarious and relatable complaints about clueless or misguided parental advice when pursuing artistic careers.
  • Marc: "Maybe you should be the vitamin comic. I don’t even know what the hell that means…" (26:33)
  • Adam on relatives calling with crazy ideas or business schemes and why non-showbiz people don’t get what artists do.

Dealing with Fans and Boundaries (30:11–34:13)

• Maron describes run-ins with mentally unstable fans and the dangers of being too accessible to listeners.
  • Marc: "He guesses the hotel I’m staying at from a podcast…Now I got this guy… 'Did you bring your recorder with you?'" (31:13)

Live Calls, Howard Stern, and the Sidekick Chair (32:06–35:21)

• Interaction with a caller about the "Artie chair" on Stern leads to a thoughtful comedy industry riff.
  • Adam: "The better gig is the sidekick, because hosting the show is a lot of lifting that has nothing to do with comedy." (33:23)
  • Marc: "You gotta worry about what are we coming back with, all that... meanwhile the other guy is just listening and then—boom, cock joke." (34:06)

Navigating Showbiz Pride, Bitterness & Humility (36:13–38:16)

• On opportunities missed out of ‘pride’ and bitterly measuring oneself vs. others’ success.
  • Marc on refusing to go on Chelsea Lately: "That’s beneath me...so now I’m in my garage doing my podcast." (38:03)

The Anatomy of Greetings (41:04–51:23)

• Lengthy comedic exploration of awkward handshakes, forced hugs in Hollywood, greeting confusion, and generational changes in masculinity.
  • Adam: "We have way, way too many greetings. A different greeting for every person in your life...most of them fall under some greeting gray area." (50:36)
  • Marc on the “fist bump": "I literally, this is so ridiculous, I tapped him on the top and bottom. Like bing, bing…" (50:19)

Bathroom Humor and Ageing (41:15–46:00)

• Carolla and Maron bond over gastrointestinal stories, fart jokes, and how aging affects bodily control.
  • Adam on farting with his child present: "Thank God my three-and-a-half-year-old son had some nice gas the other night…He covered for me." (42:09)
  • Marc: "Now I’m in that weird thing where I gotta go to the garage to do some." (43:21)

Jews, Germany, and Historical Perspective (54:01–58:03)

• Darker, more pointed discussion on world history, the Holocaust, cultural resentments, and the discomforts of ancestry.
  • Marc Maron on dating someone with a grandmother who used the word "Yuden": "I literally felt the hair on the back of my neck rise up, and I heard trains in my head…" (57:07)

Motivation, Upbringing & Self-Determination (59:03–64:23)

• A young caller asks about self-motivation, leading to earned wisdom from both hosts.
  • Adam shares his origin story, growing up in a household lacking ambition and structure, and his journey to self-sufficiency via small, achievable goals:
    • "If you see that coffee mug, you pounce on it. Just go grab it, bring it in the house. It won’t be a thought anymore." (62:20)
  • Marc: "If you think of what you need to do all at once, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and have to jerk off to feel better...Rather, break it down: today, I get this done." (62:49)

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Segment 2: Adam Carolla & Nick Offerman (Ep. 311 - 2010)

Nick Offerman’s Roots: From Farm to Stage (67:58–74:26)

• Nick shares his upbringing in Minooka, Illinois—Catholic church, farm labor, learning carpentry from his family.
  • Offerman on discovering acting in high school:
    • "That was where I really began my deadpan studies...most of the crowd thought I was giving these impassioned readings of the Bible, but my friends were cracking up." (69:17)
• Discussion of the small-town mindset that saw arts as "for the gays," and how Nick juggled football with chorus and theater.
  • "It was sort of homophobic humor thrown my way—'No, I just really dig singing.'" (74:07)

Parks & Recreation, Woodworking, and Canoe Building (75:15–77:17)

• Offerman’s love of woodworking is discussed, including making canoes and an instructional DVD for Bear Mountain Boats.
  • Nick: "I'm fomenting a new movement for a nationwide canoe building force." (78:53)
• Adam riffs on the lack of canoe access for inner city youth.

Furniture Craftsmanship & The Value of Labor (86:44–101:24)

• Moving deeper into carpentry, Adam and Nick geek out on joinery, mortise and tenon, routers, and the satisfaction of physical work.
  • Nick on the woodworking-philosophy link:
    • "My shop keeps me attached to the people in my family...as a reward for busting our asses." (102:21)
  • Adam details joinery hierarchy from butt joints to dovetails. They critique the “fast, cheap, and ugly” Euro-cabinet approach:
    • "It’s all IKEA Euro shit...just fast and cheap and meant to be slapped together. No good for guys like you." (99:01)
• Both share gory "shop accident" stories, especially the dangers of routers with no variable speed and dumb design.
  • Nick: "I plugged it in, it had been on, the router flipped on and jumped off the table...I went to catch it and took off the tip of my finger." (93:27)
  • Adam (on DIY idiocy): "Do not put a drill bit in a router. They should put a f***ing sticker on that thing that says no drill bits." (98:38)

Home Improvement Q&A with Callers (103:32–124:25)

• Adam and Nick field home repair questions with humor and expertise—on patios, tankless water heaters, and refinishing wood floors.
  • Adam on sweating copper pipes: "Sweating pipes is really easy. Do you know how to do that? ...You clean both sides, flux, heat it up, hit it with solder, and you’re done." (108:24)
  • Nick on refinishing floors: "If you have a brother, you run the drum sander and have your brother run the edger… he’s liable, and he’s gonna be down on his knees the whole time." (120:18)

The Masculine Workshop & The Need for Tangible Work (113:25–115:15, 115:29–115:56)

• Offerman values his workshop as a place for sanity, masculinity, and tangible achievement—echoing Adam’s affection for hands-on work.
  • Nick: "My furniture shop keeps me attached to my family and I can look at this table I’ve built—tangible." (102:44)
  • Adam: "It’s where you have your safe place to go... women have a bathtub; you have a furniture shop." (115:36)

Mustaches, Real and Otherwise (127:02)

• Nick Offerman answers the essential question: Yes, his mustache is 100% real and corn-fed. (127:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "If you see that coffee mug, you pounce on it. Like, just go grab it, bring in the house, right? It won’t be a thought anymore." — Adam Carolla (62:20)
• "You see other people’s success as something they’re doing to you… You’re fighting a war that doesn’t exist." — Marc Maron (36:51)
• "My wife is Megan Mullally—from Will & Grace. She’s into my furniture and canoe stuff because it keeps me off the smack." — Nick Offerman (86:27)
• "Do not put a drill bit in a router. That’s a good cautionary tip." — Nick Offerman (98:38)
• "I'm fomenting a new movement for a nationwide canoe building force." — Nick Offerman (78:53)
• "The kayak is more of like the cross country runner. A canoe, you can take two or three people and a cooler full of beer." — Nick Offerman (126:15)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Marc Maron segment start: 04:43
• Podcasting/podcast money: 14:07–16:59
• Sex/party stories: 17:12–21:10
• Parental advice: 22:18–28:14
• Howard Stern chair/career humility: 32:06–35:21
• Hug/handshake riff: 41:04–51:23
• Motivation/laziness/cup example: 59:03–64:23
• Nick Offerman segment start: 67:33
• Offerman’s farm, church roots: 67:58–74:26
• Canoe building: 75:42–77:17
• Joinery talk/shop safety: 86:44–101:24
• DIY Q&A (floors, heaters): 103:32–124:25
• Offerman’s mustache: 127:02

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Episode Tone & Style

The episode combines Adam’s signature rants, improvisational humor, and practical know-how with Marc’s self-effacing, neurotic candor and Nick Offerman’s dry, homespun wit. The conversations are loose, rapid-fire, and full of both insight and irreverence—ranging from the artistic function of farts to the superiority of the sidekick role, the secret joys of woodworking, and the oddities of social interaction in Hollywood and middle America.

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Ideal For...

Listeners who love inside stories from the comedy/podcasting trenches, detailed but hilarious banter about manual labor, unpretentious wisdom on creative work, and a master class in the art of riffing.

No ads. No fluff. Just classic Carolla, Maron, and Offerman at their best.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Marc Maron]

But there aren't, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, because that's how car buying should be with Carvana. You get the car you want, choose delivery or pickup and a week to love it or return it. Buy your car today with Carana.

[Marc Maron]

Delivery or pickup.

[Adam Carolla]

Fees may apply. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven day return policy at Carvana.com.

[Podcast Narrator/Producer]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like to clip from all 16 years of the Alvin Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics available exclusively through Podcast one. Sign up and get the ad free archives of every episode of the show, all the way back to when it was myself and Chris hosting for many years. If you'd like to obtain the ad free archives of the Adam and Corolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show and get exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out featuring Adam Carolla. Make sure to check out adam substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com all right, let's get to the clips. Coming up, first day we have Adam Carolla show 255 with Marc Maron in studio making his debut appearance on the Adam Carolla Show Asterisk Podcast Format Marin first appeared on air with Adam CROWLEY Back in 2006 in May on the Adam Crolla show, the same show, but when it was airing on radio. I know it's complicated. They did 715 episodes. They were also podcasted. He then appeared again in 2007 in November. @ the time I believe he was doing stuff with like Air America, the liberal talk radio format that eventually died down, whose studios he used, I think without permission for the initial what the fuck podcast, the WTF Podcast. He hosts both Marc Maron's podcast wtf, which came to an end this year after an impressive 16 year run, and the Joe Rogan Experience, which is currently still active. Both started after Adam Carollis switched to podcasting. So his radio show was podcasted. Never Not Funny was a comedy podcast. It's super successful. It's a very dedicated listener base and fully independent and started a few months after Adam Kroll's radio show and after Adam Kroll's radio show podcast. But it's probably the first independent comedy show or at least the longest running one. Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardo. He's been on many times. But in terms of like podcast money, there wasn't really any money in the industry. Battlestar Galactic had done official podcasts instead of commentary tracks. You know, itunes back in the day before is Apple Podcasts and Apple Music. They promoted the hell out of the initial run of podcasts. About five years after RSS feed technology was created to allow embedded MP3 and unified this whole thing. So there really wasn't any money in the industry. Even Adam Kroll's morning show podcast wasn't really promoted behind the scenes. They would tell him about his streaming numbers. Like you had, oh, you had, you know, 5,000 streaming minutes there or something. It wasn't actually helpful. The show was actually getting 40,000 unique downloads per file. And they released in really inconvenient 12 file formats. So there's 12 segments released individually each day. There's no complete file. So each of those segments was getting somebody to grab them 40,000 times on average, which is pretty big. And when the podcast started up, there was this initial idea that maybe 25,000 downloads was enough and like to cap bandwidth or downloading abilities because they didn't run an unlimited bill. After some intense arguing by myself and Mike Chaffee, who I tried to convince were going to need a bigger boat. Exact quote I used from Jaws. We then uncapped whatever the bandwidth idea that people in charge had at the time, and the show hit, I don't know, 5 million downloads. And then we got almost as many for the second episode. And then they had to, of course, go over to Libsyn. That was a whole confusing thing. And the third episode aired with Therese and Brian. That initial success essentially took Joe Rogan from posting like stick cam and ustream videos and various stuff on his website, his really interesting blogs he used to write and switching over to a dedicated podcast. And it also had Marc Maron do the same thing. Very few of the biggest podcasts, you know, existed before the Adam Kohler show launched in February of 2009. And most of them would come on the show and like, tell Adam about how essentially I saw what happened with your success. And I wanted to replicate it. And now in the narrative, a lot of that stuff has become lost over time, and people forgot the actual order of events that happened. You'll see, like, social media comments where people just completely mix up these facts. With all that said, let's travel back to 2010 with Marc Marin Studio. Adam Colishow.

[Adam Carolla]

255. Get it on. Welcome to the podcast. Marc Maron. Good to see you.

[Marc Maron]

Mark. Nice to see you. Been a.

[Adam Carolla]

While.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. I was on your show once before, and I remember you just trying to keep Danny Bonaduce from.

[Adam Carolla]

Talking. That's. That was the name of the.

[Marc Maron]

Show. Right. And I just sat there watching you, trying to shut him up and occasionally going, all right, Mark. And that was. That was like 15 minutes of.

[Adam Carolla]

That. What was funny, because I talked to Mike August, our booker, and I said, marc Maron was on our radio show a year or so back or whenever it was. And he said, no, he wasn't. And everyone. I was immediately talked out of you being on the radio show. And because I'm so scatterbrained, if somebody said, you don't have a dick, you have a pussy, I'd be like, you sure? They go, yeah. And I'd go, I really have to drop my.

[Marc Maron]

Pants.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I had. Jimmy Kimmel talked me into a on ramp or off ramp or whatever it was on a freeway that I. In a town that I grew up. I grew up in North Hollywood, right. And I grew up right here, Just. Just a mile away from where we are. And one time, me and Jimmy were going to Yosemite to a wedding, and he said, you know, we should just hop on the 5. Just take the 101 to the 134, and we'll get on the 5 going northbound. And I said, you can't go the 134 heading toward Pasadena. This is all boring. Toward the 5 going northbound. And he said, yeah, you can. I said, no, you have to get off the freeway. And he said, I did it yesterday. And I said, I lived in this town my whole life. I've gone through that intersection 35,000 times. I've never. There's no. There's nothing.

[Marc Maron]

There. And you.

[Adam Carolla]

Knew. I.

[Marc Maron]

Knew. But you did.

[Adam Carolla]

What? He said, I knew. And he said, I went to Costco in Burbank yesterday, and that's how I got there. And I said, and do I have a dick or a pussy? And he was like, I did it yesterday. And I was like, all right, boss, let's go that way. And sure enough, it wasn't.

[Marc Maron]

There.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But he'd actually convinced me. In a town I've lived in, on a freeway that I drive on an almost daily basis. That a huge concrete. I mean, the size.

[Marc Maron]

Of. You just missed it. You never saw.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Yeah. Like in the movie Speed, where he had to jump. Somehow that had been there since my childhood. And yet I'd gotten off on victory every time drove.

[Marc Maron]

In. Well, if I'm in a car, this always happens to me. Like, I know where I'm going if I'm by myself, but if there's somebody in the car with me, I turn into a.

[Adam Carolla]

Retard. Yeah.

[Marc Maron]

Literally. Like, I know I've been going to the same place every day, but if there's someone there, it's like, where right here do we go? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Here. I'm the same way when cops drive behind.

[Marc Maron]

Me. Even if you got nothing, all.

[Adam Carolla]

Of a sudden, I just robbed the bank. I'm a junkie. There's a hooker in the trunk. I'm wearing body armor. I'm black. You know, it's like everything. Yeah. I can be totally sober. High noon. Look into my rear view. See the cop. All of a sudden, the flop sweat starts.

[Marc Maron]

Down. Right. Right when you see it in the mirror. Shit, cop. It's like a reflexive.

[Adam Carolla]

Thing. And then as you're looking at him between the. The stare into the mirror and then immediately down to the speedometer, I've managed to drift over a lane and a half and come back.

[Marc Maron]

Again. And you are.

[Adam Carolla]

Guilty. Now, there's that overcorrection. Holy shit. And now all of a sudden, we got a Dukes of Hazard situation going. It's.

[Marc Maron]

Only.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A minute ago, I had one elbow out the window. I was steering with my dick. Now there's a helicopter, totally relaxed, and I'm trying to outrun a copter, see if I can get to.

[Marc Maron]

Max. You're on every station on tv, Adam. Carolla, high speed.

[Adam Carolla]

Chase. But it is funny. Like, just the acknowledgement of just that. This is why. This is why sports is amazing. Because I've played in 2000 softball games, but once in a blue moon. You play in one of these. Celebrity All Star. We've. They've taken route at shea Stadium. There's 30,000 people there. And Jim McMahon hits a high pop fly into left field. Routine play at best, but not when there's thousand people just in the lower deck yelling, don't miss it, don't miss it, don't miss it. All of a sudden, it is the toughest play of Your.

[Marc Maron]

Life. Did you miss.

[Adam Carolla]

It? No, I caught it. And I think. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not complete. I also robbed Brian McKnight, by the way, of a. Of a home run that game. But the. That is the difference between. There are people that you choke. Choke, sure. And they're people that sort of rise. And I guess all. Everyone in the NFL and the NBA is a. Kobe Bryant is a guy who wants the Rock with three seconds left to drain the.

[Marc Maron]

Three. And he's not thinking, I don't think I can do this. No, there's no second.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess. He's thinking, I'm the only guy that can do this, versus, I need more. Everyone's gonna blame me. Yeah, I do.

[Marc Maron]

Too. I was never like, I. I never was a sports guy. I'm one of those. I don't know what you would call them, but, I mean, there are dudes that are into sports, and I was never wired that.

[Adam Carolla]

Way.

[Marc Maron]

Right. And I never quite understood it because I just don't like. My sporting career ended in Little League. I got hit in the face with a ball in center field, and I knew I wasn't cut out for. I'm okay at mind games. I'm good at that. I'm really good at.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Did McMahon hit it, or was.

[Marc Maron]

It Brian just some.

[Adam Carolla]

Kid? Oh, non.

[Marc Maron]

Celebrity. No, no celebrities at all. Back when I was playing Little League, they put you in center field because you were fat, and no one could hit it that far. So the, the one time that one came to me, I tripped and it bounced off my face and broke my nose, and that was the end of.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Broke your.

[Marc Maron]

Nose? Yeah, but I never. I never watched sports. I never understood the appeal of it until I worked with Frank Santarelli. You know, Frank Cinerelli, He's a comic from Boston. He played the bartender on the Sopranos. I did a. I did a show with him where we sort of co hosted, and he was like, you know, you're gonna watch the game. And I'm like, I don't really. I don't really watch football. And he looked at me like, how. How can you not watch football? I said, I just. I just. I don't. I'm not wired for it. And he literally, with panic in his eyes, said, then how do you.

[Adam Carolla]

Feel?

[Marc Maron]

Alive? And then. Then I understood the, The. The compulsion.

[Adam Carolla]

The. The.

[Marc Maron]

The. The sort of, like the excitement of watching sports. But I watched the. I watch sports like a girl, literally. I don't know teams, and I'm just like, hey, he hit it. That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? It's. It's. It's.

[Marc Maron]

Better.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, it really is. Like, it's. It's almost like not enjoying video games. Like, you should hope that your kid doesn't enjoy video games. Unless you want to fuck in the next room and you want to keep them busy for 20 minutes watching Xbox. I say 20. I include a long refractory period and a shower. But you should hope that he's not into video games and you should hope that he doesn't have a team. People look at that as well. What do you mean? This is one of the greater joys in life, but not really. First off, your team, even if you follow one of the better teams, even if your team is the Dallas Cowboys or the New England Patriots or the Yankees or whoever, nine times out of 10, you ain't bringing home the Lombardi Trophy. Like, your team is going to do more losing than winning of big.

[Marc Maron]

Games. But I think that's what's important. Do you have.

[Adam Carolla]

Kids?

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Well, I think the one thing that I regret, you know, being a kid, is that if you teach a kid to have a healthy sense of competition, it basically, if you teach a kid how to lose with some grace, he's going to be better off in.

[Adam Carolla]

Life. Oh, no, I. I know. I agree. I mean. I mean, what I. What I'm saying is. You know what? Let me. Let's. Let's get a couple of plugs in and then we'll jump right back into this. Because I want to mention that Marc Maron has a very successful podcast called what the fuck? Well, it's wtf and you can find it. All right, remember, the machine knows if you're lying. First statement. Carvana will give you a real offer on your car. All online. False. True. Actually, sell your car in minutes. False. That's gotta be true. Again, Carvana will pick up your car from your door, or you can drop it off at one of their car vending machines. Sounds too good to be true. True. So true. Finally caught on. Nice job. Honesty isn't just their policy. It's their entire model. Sell your car today too, Carvana. Pickup fees may apply on itunes. I've listened and enjoyed. Mark has been a guest on my radio show. And that's. That's where I knew I liked him. Although, again, I was. I was talked out of it by Mike August. You can follow Mark on Twitter at Mark Maron and what's wtf? Pod? Also, quick piece of news. Shout out to my buddy Seth MacFarlane. And what he's doing over there at the Gibson Amphitheater. That is coming up this Friday. Tickets still available. They're doing a table read. They got the Always Sunny in Philadelphia guys. I'll be roaming around backstage. That's coming up. We're coming up in Irvine on Wednesday. First show, sold out. Still shows for the second. Still tickets for the second show. Also, the El Portal Theater right here in North Hollywood will be playing that. What is that, the 27th Donny? Either way, that's coming up. You can go to AdamCarolla.com and check that. And something I want to talk to Mark about before we get back into ruining our kids. Monetization of the podcast, how to make money. You have a very successful podcast. We have a successful.

[Marc Maron]

Podcast. You're making.

[Adam Carolla]

Money. Well, here's one of the ways we're starting to make.

[Marc Maron]

Money. Should I get a.

[Adam Carolla]

Pad? You'll remember. All right. What we did is we started going out and doing these live shows and I don't know how it got started. I don't know if the, like Irvine Improv reached out to us or that was a Mike August booking thing. But next thing you know, we're doing live.

[Marc Maron]

Podcasts. I do one a.

[Adam Carolla]

Month. One live? Yeah, One a month. What we decided to do and I made a deal with our listeners and so far they've responded, which is we'll go out and do two shows at Irvine. Next week. We'll do two shows in Ontario. Well, actually yesterday. And what we will do is we will give you one show and we will sell you the second show. And if you choose not to buy it, we will have a podcast that day.

[Marc Maron]

Anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. We're not going to be trying. So you're saying the podcast we'll sell? Yeah, we'll do two live shows. So we'll provide you a podcast Monday through.

[Marc Maron]

Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. On Friday there'll be a bonus podcast. That'll be the second live show. That's a 90 minute comedy show that people paid 25 bucks to get into plus a two drink minimum. It's yours for 299. We tried that for the first time last Friday and have sold over 3,000 of them. We don't get to keep all the money, but so far a pretty good little.

[Marc Maron]

Experiment. That sounds.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. And I'd like to do it. If you guys respond the way you have been responding and being as generous as you have been, I'd like to try it on a weekly basis. I'd like to give you one free live show. And sell you one now just to show you where Mensch is. We did only one show at Brea last week and we gave that one show away. We didn't do two shows. Had we done a second one, we'd put that up for sale. So you get one for free. The Other one is 299 and we keep the lights on here at the.

[Marc Maron]

Warehouse. That seems like a good plan. See, I go with another plan. I just basically say, send me.

[Adam Carolla]

Money. And how does that.

[Marc Maron]

Work? Well, what I do is I'll just say, look, we want to stay listener supported because the choice becomes like, do I create a different infrastructure and have a pay site and put a portion of the show up and then drive people to the pay site, which means that not everybody can listen to it because you're going to lose half the people. So I just do an NPR model. I say, look, we take donations. I like this to. I'd like to make a living at this and I'd like to pay my producer. And you can do a rolling subscription where you get 10 bucks a month for eight episodes a month. I'll send you T shirts, some swag or else just send a donation of your choice. How's it working? It works okay. I got a few. I ain't making a living yet, but I think that's the way to go for now. But I like your idea. I mean, I do the UCB Theater. We're doing another live show on February 19th. We do it once a month, but that's just for fun. But I think that's a good. You got to set up a whole different thing, right, to get the pay site.

[Adam Carolla]

Going? Yeah, you do. And it takes a little work. And it takes Professor Sandy Gans over here who knows his way around a computer and got shit canned from his computer job, which is serendipity for.

[Marc Maron]

Us. You have an army of interns here. How do I get.

[Adam Carolla]

Interns? Well, I'm just fucking them. They're not doing.

[Marc Maron]

Anything. All of them you're fucking?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Even that Asian guy back.

[Marc Maron]

There. You're a lot more open minded than I thought. I'd heard things about you, but.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't going to do it until this whole Letterman thing felt like you had.

[Marc Maron]

To. Well, they're intern. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Yeah.

[Marc Maron]

Literally. Yeah, I hear you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? They're.

[Marc Maron]

Interns. It's part of the learning experience. This is the life of Hard Knocks.

[Adam Carolla]

Man.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. You get an education in radio and also you get by Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Corolla. Yeah. And. But believe me, you won't even remember it the next.

[Marc Maron]

Day. Yeah, I, I, I understand. I have no idea what happened the time I was on your show that you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember. That's right. That's my point. You move on. You could do worse than.

[Marc Maron]

Me. Yeah. And then you learn something about yourself. Like maybe that, maybe that, that sexual confusion is over. Adam showed me that it's not for.

[Adam Carolla]

Me. And then just think about the ladies. You've all some guy you're drunk in college that you didn't want.

[Marc Maron]

To. I was that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. You all a Mark Marin. A younger Mark.

[Marc Maron]

Maron. Younger, angrier, drunker Mark.

[Adam Carolla]

Marin. Took a silkwood shower and dusted it, dug yourself off and got back to do the books. And I am saying, you know, I'm technically a celebrity. You could do worse. Sure, yeah.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Just, you know, don't tell your friends about it and live with.

[Adam Carolla]

It. I love the fact.

[Marc Maron]

That. Quit.

[Adam Carolla]

Crying. Women have almost, I'd say at least half the guys. Like, the difference between men and women is if you bring up a chick that we fucked in our past, we sort of look up and go, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like for me, it's like talking about playing high school football. Like, that was the.

[Marc Maron]

Day. I remember.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Those are some sweet.

[Marc Maron]

Times.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. When you talk about it to women, they go.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Oh, why'd you bring that up? Oh, I shouldn't have ever told you I did.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Brett Rattlestein. Oh, my God. Oh, what was I thinking? I love the no one. No guys ever fucked a chick and went, what was I thinking? Yeah, it was the other one. Well, they.

[Marc Maron]

Will. They do exactly what they think.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Here's where they go. What were they thinking? You go, dude, you should have hidden one of those flip cameras in the hamper so you could watch. Yeah, I know. What was I thinking? Why didn't you film it? Is really what I talked was.

[Marc Maron]

I thinking I was talking to this girl about that last night. I mean, I've been dating this girl, this woman. And I remembered there was one of these situations because we were talking about parking tickets. And when I worked, I used to live up at the Comedy Store when I was a kid. I did my, you know, graduate work in drug use with Sam.

[Adam Carolla]

Kenison.

[Marc Maron]

Really? Yeah. Back in the late 80s, I was a doorman at the store and I used to park my car there and I had this woman at the house and she had parked up on the street that always gave tickets. And we were drunk and we had sex and it was dirty. There was a lot of wrong involved. And we get up the next morning where she just wanted to slink out, but her car had been towed, so we had that. I had to drive her down to the impoundment lot, and she had no fucking desire to be with me. The evening was.

[Adam Carolla]

Over. Yeah.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. And it just.

[Adam Carolla]

Extended. It was light.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Because I forgotten, because I haven't drank in, like, 10 years. Just that feeling of waking up, whether you're a guy or not. Just sort of like, oh, Jesus, what did we end up.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing?

[Marc Maron]

Right? But, you know, you're sort of proud of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Nonetheless. Yeah, look, it still counts as a W. Yeah. I mean, it's. It's. It's a win. Even if it's a forfeit or, you know, even. No matter what it is, technical knockout is still you get a win. You had sex. We can put a notch in your.

[Marc Maron]

Bedpost. I've.

[Adam Carolla]

Been. You worked, by the way, you worked at the Comedy Store back in the 80s and hung out with Kennison and did the whole.

[Marc Maron]

Thing. Oh, dude, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Hell, yeah. I was. I just got out of college. I drove my car across country and I became a doorman. The store. I was like, 21 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Old. Where'd you get out of.

[Marc Maron]

College? I went to Boston University for five years undergrad. Kind of stretched it out and, you know how it.

[Adam Carolla]

Goes. Drove out.

[Marc Maron]

Here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I wish I knew how it went. I really do. I clean. Start cleaning carpets and then dug ditches out of high.

[Marc Maron]

School. I did that after.

[Adam Carolla]

College. So you drove out from Boston and you basically started working at the Comedy.

[Marc Maron]

Store? Well, I wanted to be a comic, so I auditioned around, and Mitzi saw me, and she said something weird like, you know, you're funny, you're a poet, you should wear a scarf, you know, work the door. So I got the doorman job, and within about two months, I got sort of taken in by the Kenison clan and became this weird mascot. And she put me up at that house behind the Comedy Store, where it was basically a boarding house for comics. And that was where Sam would have his party. So I spent a lot of time, you know, chopping Sam Kenison's coke and listening to him talk for nine hours straight and burning money. It was a weird time. Dark, weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Time. And Kenison was at his zenith.

[Marc Maron]

At that time, just coming. I was there when. When the HBO special premiered. So it was. It was a. It was a real lesson in celebrity because, I mean, I got chewed up and spat out by this town. And I left and I was, you know, out of my mind on blow, hearing voices in my head. It's interesting when you hear voices in your head. Just how it's always, always many, it's never one. You always spend a lot of time trying to get them to pick a fucking leader and tell you what to do. But, but I left and I restarted my career. But it was a pretty dark, weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Time. Yeah. And I guess as a, as a parent, like your parents probably wish you could have driven out to LA and hooked up with Bill.

[Marc Maron]

Cosby. Yeah, well, my dad still thinks that way about show business. I get these calls from him and he's like, you know, why don't you call Bill Maher? He seems to know what's going on. Like, yeah, that'd be a, that'd be a call Bill would want. Hey, Bill, it's Mark. I met you a couple times. My dad says I should call you and maybe you could guide me a little bit in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Business. I would love either a three hour documentary or a coffee table book on parents and their retarded advice about this business. Yeah, and you should do, you know, I like that. You know, first off, I like when they, you should, you should work with Sam Peckinpah. He's.

[Marc Maron]

Awesome. I enjoy his movies.

[Adam Carolla]

Dad. And I don't know him and he, I can't make my own movie. I, I, I, I had my uncle, I had this. Yeah, I had a weird thing happen last night which is, okay, there's a fairly popular sportscaster announcer Guy's on KFI out here, I think. No, he's on, he's on 570. Same station Petros and money are on out here. His name is Tony Bruno and he's this bald guy and he's been doing sports talk for a long time. And he kind of sounds like he's from the east coast, like a Philadelphian kind of thing. And he's like, hey, hey, what's happening? I'm Tony Bruno. So I'm getting all these calls and I'm looking at my caller ID and it says Anthony Bruno on it. And my uncle is Vince Bruno. And I think half the people I know, their caller ID is different than what they go by, which is fucking confusing. But either way. So I think, all right, I guess it's my uncle. Vince Bruno's calling me. I'll call him back. So I just hit return and it rings the phone and the phone picks up, it's like, hello. And I said, yeah, this is Adam Kroll. Oh, hey, Adam, this is Tony Bruno. And I said, oh, oh, Tony Bruno, what's happening? Hey, I hope you don't mind me calling you at home. And I met him a couple times and I pass him in the hall and he's probably said, hey, can you do my show sometime? And I think it's just he got my number for some other guy at the station and he's just calling me and it's like. So I think I'm talking to Tony Bruno, the LA sportscaster, when I'm really talking to Anthony Bruno who lives in Philly, who's the like cousin of my uncle Vince Bruno. I'm talking to another.

[Marc Maron]

Guy. Right, so you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing. I'm talking to a family.

[Marc Maron]

Member. You're doing show business politeness. Yeah, it's just some.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude. Yeah. Hey, Tony. Hey. Awesome probably is confused with that. I just said, great digging the.

[Marc Maron]

Show. Whereas if you knew who it was, you would be like, what do you.

[Adam Carolla]

Want? Right. Yeah. So he's talking to me and after a while it starts to dawn on me who this guy is. And he's a Bruno and he's not at Sportscaster and he sounds like the guy. But now I'm calling Philadelphia and it's midnight because it was, it was last night at 9:00. And he's telling me that, you know, he's a songwriter and wants to know if I can hook him.

[Marc Maron]

Up. It's got a song for you you can use on the.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcast. Got a few.

[Marc Maron]

Songs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And went and tried to get an agent. Problem is, is the guy went, met with didn't have a cassette player. He just had, you know, he has his stuff on.

[Marc Maron]

Cassette. Oh yeah, that's a popular format.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. Sure. What about a wax cylinder.

[Marc Maron]

Tony? Why not? How about an eight.

[Adam Carolla]

Track? Right. So he. And, and, and then says, hey, saw your movie on, on Showtime. Good movie. Why I don't understand for they do this. Why wasn't it a bigger movie.

[Marc Maron]

And it's like the.

[Adam Carolla]

Worst. Well, you know, Orion wanted to release it, but I said no. They wanted to put on 3200 screens. I. I said, absolutely. I said, over my dead body. Then Will Ferrell wanted to throw a whole bunch of money and his name on it. But I said I. If I punched him in the balls and spat on him. Yeah. So they want to know why it's not.

[Marc Maron]

Bigger. My dad does this thing where he's like, he gets involved in wacky sort of business schemes. Like he's a retired. Like he had He's a strange guy. Manic depressive nut. But manic depression is very exciting half the.

[Adam Carolla]

Time. Sure.

[Marc Maron]

But. So he's into vitamins now, right? So I get this advice. Or like, you know, maybe since, you know, you don't seem to be taking off, maybe you should be the vitamin comic. I don't even know what the hell that means. Like, you do 15 minutes. You can sell my program a vitamin regimen, but you make jokes about it. Maybe you come out, we'll tour together, right? The last fucking thing I want is be on the road with my.

[Adam Carolla]

Dad. You're pitching vitamins, being on the.

[Marc Maron]

Road with your dad with a briefcase full of vitamins. But there's part of me thinking like, oh, this doesn't work.

[Adam Carolla]

Out. Yeah.

[Marc Maron]

Right. Who.

[Adam Carolla]

Knows? Yeah. Talking about bee pollen in front of an angry.

[Marc Maron]

Crowd. They just don't have any understanding. It took me a long time to not get angry about it, but they're just. They just want the best for you, and they don't know what the hell you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. No.

[Marc Maron]

They'Re. And.

[Adam Carolla]

They. To be fair, they think you're further along than you.

[Marc Maron]

Are. They see you on tv. They're like, it's going.

[Adam Carolla]

Well. And the guy's like. Like, the guy's like, oh, it was. The Hammer was a great movie. You should make another movie. I'm like, nobody wants to make another. I can't make another. Why not? I said, well, listen, we couldn't get our movie distributed because there was no names in it. You're a name, right? Well, yeah, but not tv. But not.

[Marc Maron]

Movie. Do you ever get that thing where they. Where they know somebody else in the business? Like, my. My mother's got a friend whose kid directs documentaries, right? And so I got to hear about that. Like, she. Just because the woman told her about her kid having this movie, all of a sudden, that guy's doing better than me, right? She goes, why? You know, Billy's got this film that's gonna be in two places. Why don't you talk to Billy? It's like, don't you understand what I'm doing? Yeah, I got my own thing here. It's going.

[Adam Carolla]

Fine. Our old neighbor Dorothy Gravitch, is writing a children's book. Oh, hold.

[Marc Maron]

On. You should have her on your.

[Adam Carolla]

Podcast. Podcasts. I'll just turn on the Tonight Show. She'll be there.

[Marc Maron]

Right? Like, then my dad with the podcast, like, how do I get it? Like, you go on the site and you get.

[Adam Carolla]

It. He's like, I don't know too.

[Marc Maron]

Much. Yeah, My mother listens, though, this.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy. The funny thing about Tony Bruno was also there's that thing where you do the wrap it up conversation, you know? So he's like, well, what should I do? And I said, well, you know, what you need to do is you need to get this thing off of a cassette and get it into a computer. So you need, like, a digital copy of your demo tape. They can burn a disc, you can email it a file, you know, so find some local kid who's got a Macintosh and something set up in his garage. Get a digital recording and a file of it. Then when you do that, we'll have something and maybe you can send it to me and I'll forward along to an agent or something. Then they take a beat and they go, right now it's on a cassette. I know, I know. Now time for lap two. Yeah, what you need to do is you need to find a guy who's got a Macintosh and get it digitized by Google. Yeah, because I just recorded it. My dad. On a cassette. Right? Absolutely got that part.

[Marc Maron]

Understand? Or else they get wind and they're like, oh, yeah, all.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. Also, you know, like the other. Like, if this was a conversation about. It's literally like them going, I. I slid off the road. I hit a tree. I. I, you know, I caved in my quarter panel. And the Malibu needs. I need to go to a body shop. And you go, well, okay, you need to take it to a Fender place and get it rep. Then they'd pause and go, there's a dent in the corner quarter panel. Then you go, yeah, I know, you need to take it. And they pause again and they go, yeah, I slid off the road. But yeah, I get the part where there's a fucking dent in the side of your car. Let's get to the part where we fix it. And by the way, this is probably why you're 66 calling me and looking for a record.

[Marc Maron]

Deal. Well, I had an experience where I got a. I had a guy on my old radio.

[Adam Carolla]

Show. By the way, you don't want to worry about this. He did this one, too. Where he did. He did this one, too, where he said, I don't know anything about computers. No, no. Shit, no. The mix cassette, let me.

[Marc Maron]

Know. But it's you. You got to be careful with the. Like, I had a guy, used to be on my old radio show. He called in kind of a goofy guy, wrote songs. We put him on the air. Right, right. That was years ago. So now I got this guy still writing me. Like, you know, when am I going to be on the show? And then all of a sudden, the. The emails become crazy. Like, he's clearly mentally a little problematic, and they keep coming, and I can't respond to him anymore because it's weird and creepy, and because of Facebook and Twitter and everything else, he knows where I'm going to be and what I'm doing. So I go up to Seattle to do laughs for three days. I do a podcast up there. The guy on the podcast mentions that I'm in town, and he guesses the hotel room staying at on the podcast. So now I got this guy. I get back to my hotel room. Hey, it's me. I know you're here, so why don't we do. Did you bring your recorder with.

[Adam Carolla]

You?

[Marc Maron]

Right. And now I got to deal with.

[Adam Carolla]

That. So you have to pretend sort of like you're happy to see him, even though you've been blowing them off for the last.

[Marc Maron]

25. I didn't engage. But, you know, sometimes when you open the door to some people, then they're.

[Adam Carolla]

In.

[Marc Maron]

Right. And there you.

[Adam Carolla]

Are. No, listen. Like stray cats. You can't leave the bowl of milk out or they're coming.

[Marc Maron]

Back. I got a lot of.

[Adam Carolla]

Cats. You want to try taking some phone calls, by the.

[Marc Maron]

Way? Sure. I'm just trying to. Yeah, my earphone. My headset's a little funky.

[Adam Carolla]

Something. I'll be all right. You got.

[Nick Offerman]

It? I think.

[Adam Carolla]

So. I'll try it. See what. I'll just hop on line two. We'll just work our way down. Hey, Matt. Yeah. Hi, guys. What's happening? Not too much. Two things real quick. They mentioned on the Stern show today, they did a news report on. On your podcast from, I think, last week, when you mentioned the arty chair. Oh, when I mentioned the arty.

[Nick Offerman]

Chair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they played the report for Howard, and he said that that was a. You're a huge talent, and that was very flattering that you didn't even want to do it. Oh, wow, that was nice. I can't. All I remember from that conversation is that somebody called this show and said that Howard said that the only person that he'd ever offered or considered the Artie chair for back before Artie was trying to run himself through like a Japanese soldier, that Jimmy Kimmel was the only guy he'd thought about for that role, and it was offered to me a long time ago, so that's what I brought up. But I don't remember the Rest of it. Did I say nice things? Yeah, the clip they played, you said nice things. And at the end of it, you said you wouldn't mind being in that chair. Well, it's the greatest gig ever. I mean, you know, people think. And Marc Maron, you jump in here. You know, people think hosting your own show is a great gig. The better gig is the sidekick, because hosting the show is a lot of lifting. That has nothing to do with.

[Marc Maron]

Comedy. And you also have to be gracious and be a straight man when necessary. Whereas if you're the sidekick, you can just be like.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Marc Maron]

Blah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And hosting a show's a lot of, hey, we're going to be at Irvine next week. Go to Mark Maron.com and check out his podcast. And coming up, Seth. Seth MacFarlane's doing his thing. And don't forget to. It's a lot of.

[Marc Maron]

Housework. Yeah. And sidekick, just be.

[Adam Carolla]

Funny. Sidekick, sit back, hang back. And by the way, no one says to you after 18 seconds of not saying something funny, hey, why the fuck didn't you say anything funny? You hang back. You hang back 10 minutes and then just put out a zinger. And everyone goes, that guy's hysterical. Meanwhile, the other guy's just spinning plates. Yeah. When you're hosting a show, you're fucking spinning.

[Marc Maron]

Plates. Always, always. And you got to worry about, like, you know, what are we coming back with? What are we doing this more. That guy's just sort of had to listen the conversation and boom, Cox, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

It. He's looking, by the way, trying to be funny while you're looking at a clock, while you're looking at a producer holding up a dry erase board that says wrap it up. While you're looking at another dry erase board that says, dennis Rodman's not here and trying to be funny while you're interviewing Marc Maron. Fucking.

[Marc Maron]

Impossible. Budweiser.

[Adam Carolla]

Plug. Right? Yeah, impossible. Sitting in that chair and crack and wise. Definitely.

[Marc Maron]

Definitely. Aren't you relieved about the podcast that you don't have to deal with any of that shit anymore except your own.

[Adam Carolla]

Business?

[Marc Maron]

Yes. I mean, that's the greatest thing. Like, after doing radio for a few years and having to watch those clocks and tees and everything else, to not have anyone tell you anything that you have to do other than what you want to do is.

[Adam Carolla]

Spectacular. Right? Hey.

[Nick Offerman]

Matt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So, yeah, I would. You know, obviously, he said what? Well, he basically just said that. He just basically replied with one sentence that it was a flattering that you being such a Huge talent would even think that way. Well, you know, thank you and thanks for calling. Oh, no problem. You know, as far as. I don't know how Mark feels.

[Marc Maron]

About.

[Adam Carolla]

This, I don't think of things. And I know this is part of the reason I'm. Where I'm not career.

[Marc Maron]

Wise. Well, I'm even less than.

[Adam Carolla]

That. So part of the reason why you're not. Maybe we're simpatico on this. I don't think of things as above me or beneath me. I do think of certain things as financial opportunities, and I do think of. Yeah, Martin Scorsese wanted me to make a film with him. I would be.

[Marc Maron]

Flattered.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But I don't have this. You know, I made a romantic comedy where I was the star of it, and it was 90 minutes long, and I didn't think, oh, I can't do that. I thought, no, let's go out and do that. By the same token, if you're. If you have a college radio show and it's just on some AM station out of Baker and you want me to do a phoner with you and you tell me you're a big fan, I'm.

[Marc Maron]

There. Yeah, me.

[Adam Carolla]

Too. Whatever you want. I'm fine. I don't think, what's in it for me? Or fuck that, or that's beneath me. I have people tell me all the time, what are you doing that show for? What are you doing? The answer is they asked, right.

[Marc Maron]

If you can go on as you and represent yourself and also, you know, help somebody out, I think that's great. I have made some bad decisions out of pride.

[Adam Carolla]

Though.

[Marc Maron]

Really? Oh, yeah. I mean, well, because, like, you get certain opportunities in show business and if they don't pan out, either you just say, well, that's show business, or you say, well, who the fuck got that.

[Adam Carolla]

Then?

[Marc Maron]

Right? And if you. If you're stuck in that mind, in the bitter resentment mind, you're fighting some war that doesn't exist with anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Else.

[Marc Maron]

Right. You see other people's success as something that they're doing to you. And I have been in situations where I'm like, I'm not like, I remember. Here's a great example. I'll be honest with you. I did my. My second Comedy Central presents. I take. They tape two a night, and they tape two comics that aren't relatable. It had nothing to do with each other. So on my night, I was the first half, and then Chelsea Handler did the second half, and I don't really know her that well. I'D had her on my radio show for her.

[Adam Carolla]

Book.

[Marc Maron]

I. Her comedy is okay. I have nothing against.

[Adam Carolla]

Her.

[Marc Maron]

And. And then like, she got that show and when I came out to la, she's like, I want, I want you to come on my show, Chelsea, lately, Right? So I said, I'm not going on that show. What am I, what am I going to do on that show? What am I going to talk about on that show? I.

[Adam Carolla]

Don'T. So it's funny because I did that show about a month ago and as I was talking about the shows that people went, what the fuck did you do that show for? That was one of the shows that was going through my mind as I was.

[Marc Maron]

Saying. So I just said, no, I'm not gonna do it because I just didn't see how I fit in. And then I didn't want to.

[Adam Carolla]

Be on just as a guest on the show. Yeah.

[Marc Maron]

But. But you know, it seems that regular panel people on that show, that show has taken off and they've done pretty well for themselves. And she's actually good at her job, but out of pride, I'm like, that's, that's beneath.

[Adam Carolla]

Me.

[Marc Maron]

Right? So now I'm in my garage doing my podcast, right? It's a much smaller garage than you got here, by the way. I've got no cars in my garage, just books and the smell of cat.

[Adam Carolla]

Pee. Well, I hope that that did come from cats though.

[Marc Maron]

Right? Yeah, yeah. I didn't bring it.

[Adam Carolla]

In. Once in a while I take a piss and I go, what the hell? I pee in the sink. So I know very clearly just what I've eaten and how it's worked and all.

[Marc Maron]

That. I had an experience with that. It's weird that you bring that.

[Adam Carolla]

Up and I pee in the sink and once in a while I go, what the fuck was that? Yeah, it does smell like cat piss. Yeah, I eat something weird. I eat a weird.

[Marc Maron]

Hoagie. I had this thing, though. Let me just tell you this because it's weird that you brought this up because this happened to me two days ago. I'm at the gym and I'm on the treadmill and there was the only treadmill left and there was a guy next to me, like a middle aged Asian guy, you know, dressed inappropriately for the.

[Adam Carolla]

Gym.

[Marc Maron]

Always. Yeah, wrong kind of shorts.

[Adam Carolla]

Loafers. I like the guy. I like to. I like to see the guys jogging in slacks or jeans. Like, I'll say, like, maybe want to jump out of your car and go, could you get some dolphin shorts at Least put sneakers, some PF flyers.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. So he's on there. And right when I get on, I smell this, smell that, you know, I'm associating with him because he's right next to me. And it was, it was just like, you know, ginseng and garlic. He was sweating garlic, this guy. And I was being tolerant. There's nothing you can do. It's fine. There are cultural.

[Adam Carolla]

Differences.

[Marc Maron]

Sure. And then, and then all of a sudden he. He must have farted. And I don't talk about farting, but this smell came out of him. It just smelled like, you know, just like generations of. Of pork fat and shrimp. Just like, you know, the genetic digestion number seven, Right. Of a history of the Chinese people. Just green onion, shrimp, peanut oil. And I, and I had this moment where I was like, oh my God, how the. Could you just let that out right here? And then someone. I don't know if it's tolerance or whatever. I realized, like, well, at least he has a national identity. At least I was able to identify the smell that came out of his ass as specifically Chinese food. And I don't know if I could do that. That about.

[Adam Carolla]

Myself. That's interesting. I had this idea once to do a game show where it's called. I think it was called like parking lot ethnicity or something, where I park a bunch of different cars and then you have to run out and put Mexican on the windshield or black and we, you know, Asian on the, you know, depending on what they're driving. You know, you know, easy with the, you know, the beat up F150 Ford with the Brahma bull decal. That's easy for Mexican, but the black could have been the custom van or, or that can also be the Asian. Like, it would just be fun. But I, I like your game better where we just put holes in a piece of plywood and then you have to run around and there's magnetized thing. Mexican, Asian. Based on the smell. Yeah. You're like. And we play that and then we do. And you put them all in and you like slap the thing and I yell two of them are wrong. And then you run back and grab the Asian. You got to stand from the.

[Marc Maron]

Whole whiffing it like, like a. Top of the. A wine.

[Adam Carolla]

Glass.

[Marc Maron]

Right? I'm not getting it. I'm not getting.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Yeah. And then, yeah, you run back and grab like Eastern European and switch it with Mexican and put it.

[Marc Maron]

Back. That was definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

Rorsched.

[Marc Maron]

Right. It's a little more challenging than the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Thing. I think.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Because some people can eat. You know, what if a guy went out for Indian dinner the night before? You might get that.

[Adam Carolla]

Wrong. The. The. I. I don't. Well, my problem. My problem, what's happened to me is my flora and fauna has.

[Marc Maron]

Changed. In your.

[Adam Carolla]

Guts. In my.

[Marc Maron]

Guts. How do you know.

[Adam Carolla]

That? I can tell because when I. The quality let gas go, it's different than it was, you know, 10 years ago. And the problem, what's happened to.

[Marc Maron]

Me is like, wow, I didn't really even think about.

[Adam Carolla]

That. I'm like a guy who used to be tough who still thinks he's tough, and now I'm getting my ass kicked because I still think I'm a tough.

[Marc Maron]

Guy. And you're judging this by the smell of your.

[Adam Carolla]

Gas? No, I'm using that as a metaphor. Okay. Meaning I think I can fart with impunity because I used to be able to just let him fly and had nothing to them. Now it's like, oh, got him.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Something wasn't finished.

[Adam Carolla]

Inside. And thank God my. My three and a half year old son had had some nice gas the other night because he.

[Marc Maron]

Went. He covered for.

[Adam Carolla]

You? Absolutely, because he'd been farting all day. And then I was in the bedroom wrestling with him and I let one fly and I was like, wow, that is powerful, powerful stuff. And during the winter time with the door shut and the heater on and all that, it really supersizes things. And just on cue, Olga, my nanny, came walking in and gave a. Oh, she's from Guatemala, so she gave a.

[Marc Maron]

Oofole.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Which I. Which I love that everyone has their own stink. And she said, oofole. Oh, sunny. Oh, you're.

[Marc Maron]

Still. You're.

[Adam Carolla]

Like. Yeah, yeah. And then I started beating him, which I realized that's probably taking it a little too far. But, yeah, immediately just pinned it on him and he.

[Marc Maron]

Couldn'T. I have an uncomfortable gas situation going on in my house right now. I had a woman watching my house when I was living in New York, and I just let her stay on, you know, until I, you know, I just did a pilot for Comedy Central. See what happens. But it's helping me out. So I basically have a housemate, and I know her, but we haven't crossed the gas barrier. So now I'm like, on this perpetual first date in my own house where I'm just, you know, I'm a relatively farty.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. And now I'm in that, like, weird thing where I got. I gotta go outside for. Go to the garage and do.

[Adam Carolla]

Some. I. I gotta say one of the. This is not a good sign. One of the things that's happened to me and in my. My waning years, I mean, as. As I get up, there is a little less control. Like, do notice now.

[Marc Maron]

Now. Jesus, how old are.

[Adam Carolla]

You? I'm not shitting myself, but. But I have noticed the, you know, jog up the stairs meets a little. Just a little something, you know, I'm not, I'm not. It's not. I'm not saying when I'm, you know, sitting at my desk or standing still talking to my. You're not.

[Marc Maron]

Going. What I.

[Adam Carolla]

Do. Yeah, yeah. No, but I have noticed just a little coming out. Nah, let's just put it this way. I used to have pinpoint accuracy. I used to be a sniper. I was like Robin Hood with his arrow in my ass, you know. And now I've noticed like a little like, you know, my nanny sitting where you're sitting. The door bell rings, I lean forward and a little, you know, not nothing much, but a little, you know, it's not planned.

[Marc Maron]

Right. But you know what's good about that? Once you cross a certain age, people forgive you for.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Oh.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S. Yeah.

[Marc Maron]

He'S. That, you know, he's at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Point. No, I mean. But my grandfather, when he was, you know, in the last years, I'd say, you know, put, put. Put gramp on the phone and just. He'd put it up against his ass and that's all I'd hear. Like, that's how we.

[Marc Maron]

Communicate. Well, that's love. That's. That's nice. You know, some people can't say I love. You can always say it in.

[Adam Carolla]

Gas, but you can't hug a.

[Marc Maron]

Fart. No, you can't. I know, but you. It definitely is embracing in its own.

[Adam Carolla]

Way. In a way, it's more intimate than even, Even a.

[Marc Maron]

Hug. And it lingers, right? It stays with you probably a little longer than a.

[Adam Carolla]

Hug. I'd like to say this.

[Marc Maron]

Too. Yeah. Are we still on the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Topic? No. Kind of. My family. Not good huggers. Because they're not intimate people. They're sort of. They have trouble with.

[Marc Maron]

That. I'd rather my parents don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Hurt. And that. And here's my old thing. If you ain't good at hugging, don't, don't bother. And nobody, nobody needs the awkward sort of ironing board lean against you with the weird palm pat on.

[Marc Maron]

The. Well, yeah, there's different. There's a different range.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If you can't hug, don't.

[Marc Maron]

Hug. I. With women, you know, you know, if the hug gets a little too deep, there's going to be. There's going to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Problems.

[Marc Maron]

Right. And, and with guys, you know, like, you know, how much of us is going to touch. Are we going to. Pat. My brother was a, a pathological hugger at one point. You know, he really. Yeah, he was sort of like, he, he was a confused kid, and he was reading Leo Buscalia books when he was like. Yeah. When he was like, 11 or 12 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Old.

[Marc Maron]

Right. And he just went through this period where he's like, come here. Just, just give me a hug. And it was, it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Awkward. But I, I, I, I. Here's the. Well, how about this one? Yeah. How about, how about you getting forced into a hug? And the way that one works and it's happened to me, you know, show business. Hollywood and show.

[Marc Maron]

Business.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. A lot of hugging going on. A lot of false.

[Marc Maron]

Hugging. Yeah. I hate an empty.

[Adam Carolla]

Hug. The more you hate the guy, the more you have to hug him when it.

[Marc Maron]

Comes. There's a lot of padding with the.

[Adam Carolla]

Hating. Padding and.

[Marc Maron]

Hugging.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And so it's like this kind of thing. Yeah. I'm sitting at a casting session or something for this sitcom I'm doing, and then all of a sudden, here comes Gail Berman of Berman Braun, you know, And I like Gail. She's a nice lady. I see her all the time, you know, and so she comes in the room and, you know, I'm sitting on the sofa and we're doing some casting thing, and there's everyone else, the director and producers and all that shit. And my inclination is like, hey, Gail, what's up? How you doing? You know, wave. I don't even want to stand up, but I, but of course, the guy next to me, Gail, how you doing? He stands up and he hugs. And then the guy next to him, gail, it's great to see you. And now I'm sitting there and I go, if I don't stand up and hug Gail Berman, I'm going to be a.

[Nick Offerman]

Douchebag.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't know if Gail doesn't need a hug. Yeah, I don't want to.

[Marc Maron]

Hug. But now you're in the awkward position where she's had two hugs and you're the odd.

[Adam Carolla]

Man. God forbid the two guys in front of you hug her. You sit on your ass, give her a fist bump, and then the guy after you gets up and hugs her. Now, then, then you're Memorable.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. You might go to the.

[Adam Carolla]

Douche. It doesn't hug.

[Marc Maron]

Anybody. Well, in Hollywood, though, all the hugging and, like, I have a hard time hugging, you know, people that you resent or that you don't like. It's basically what you're saying where the hug is really just like, you know, Michael kissing Fredo and the Godfather too. You know, that's gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

End. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm just saying. And by the way, do you need to hug business associates that you saw two days earlier? You know, I mean, it's not. They didn't just get off a fucking boat from England. Yeah. You know what I mean? This is. We're not at some port of call somewhere, and you've seen them for nine.

[Marc Maron]

Months. Oh, my.

[Adam Carolla]

God. Where have you been for the last two days? It's not the Old Spice man coming down the Gang playing. It's just fucking you sitting on a sofa at.

[Marc Maron]

NBC.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I mean, like, I don't want to be a dick, but it's just kind of like, hey, how you doing? Sit down. Good to see.

[Marc Maron]

You. Well, some. Now, sometimes the handshake evolves, kind of goes into a hug. What about those things where the.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys just pull you.

[Marc Maron]

In? Right, right. You know, you got the handshake, and all of a sudden, oh, we're going in and. Yeah, yeah. And then all of a sudden, you're being.

[Adam Carolla]

Hugged. That's essentially that. I don't want to call it rape, but it's. It's not.

[Marc Maron]

Consensual. It's. It's a disrespect for personal.

[Adam Carolla]

Boundaries. Yeah, it is a pulling. Yeah. We had. Listen, I extended the hand, making you think. Right. This is as far as we were.

[Marc Maron]

Going. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's kind of like. Like, here's where we're going on this.

[Marc Maron]

Day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Second base. Right. But you just dropped a.

[Marc Maron]

Digit. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And now it's on. Yeah. So it's that kind of weird.

[Marc Maron]

Pull. Yeah, yeah. Now arms are.

[Adam Carolla]

Involved. Now we're.

[Marc Maron]

Hugging. Oh, now what happens? I guess we.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotta. How about the guy? I also like this. I got this yesterday, too. I got the handshake where they grab the tips. They don't even get all four.

[Marc Maron]

Fingers. That's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Lazy. They grab the tip and they just give you the tip of the.

[Marc Maron]

Clothing. That's an.

[Adam Carolla]

Insult.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. It's like, take the whole hand. Be a man about.

[Adam Carolla]

It.

[Marc Maron]

Right? What is this? You don't have the energy. You can't. You can't muster up the gumption. To grab the whole.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand. Also, you know, our dads never had to deal with this. Just one handshake. Didn't have the black guy handshake. Didn't have the Howie Mandel fist bump. Didn't have the pull in and hug. Didn't have the confusion about whether we should hug it out or do the handshake. It didn't. It didn't have the soul brothers shake. Like, they just would shake.

[Marc Maron]

Hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And I kind of want to get back to.

[Marc Maron]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because I'm approaching people and I'm thinking, are we hugging this one out? Right. Are we doing the fist bump.

[Marc Maron]

Here?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No one wants to get caught in between. It's a big fucking rock, paper, scissor game that we're all.

[Marc Maron]

Playing. It's going to come to you like they're going to grab your face and go, how are.

[Adam Carolla]

You? Yeah. Like, you just. I don't know what to expect. Can we just get back to the basic.

[Marc Maron]

Handshake? I had a bad experience with the fist bump bump when I. I didn't know what it was. It was really.

[Adam Carolla]

Awkward.

[Marc Maron]

Really. I was at the Comedy Store and I can't remember. I think it was Vargas or one of the black dudes. He comes up to me and he puts his fist out. And I didn't know what to.

[Adam Carolla]

Do.

[Marc Maron]

Right. Because I had not seen the fist bump. So what I did is I. I literally. This is so ridiculous. I tapped him on the top and bottom like.

[Adam Carolla]

That.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Like. Like bing.

[Nick Offerman]

Bing.

[Marc Maron]

Right. And he looked at me like I was some sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

Idiot.

[Marc Maron]

Right. And I walked away. And I went up to another.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy. What do you do when they do.

[Marc Maron]

This? And the guy goes, you just bump it. And I'm like, oh, shit. And I went back and I found the guy and I said, do it again. I did the right.

[Adam Carolla]

Bump. I know I have way, way too many greetings. And again, a different greeting for every person in your life. And again, most of them fall under some greeting gray area where I'm not sure if we're at the hug phase or if we're at the. We're not celebrating anything, so we shouldn't be hugging. I saw you two day. Two days ago, so we shouldn't be hugging. But here. But the first guy hugged you and he saw you two days ago, too. So now it looks like I gotta hug you.

[Marc Maron]

Right. But sometimes I get insulted. Like, if I see a guy. Some guys are just huggers, you know? And, you know, it's common because, you know the guy. But like, then do you ever get the other part of that, where you see a guy that you know for a while and you see him hug some other guy, but he comes up to you and just gives you the.

[Adam Carolla]

Handshake?

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. Don't you feel the.

[Adam Carolla]

Rejection? Yeah, it is. It is. Like, what, sloppy seconds.

[Marc Maron]

Right? Yeah. What am I? You know, I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

Huggable. Am I like that Asian guy on the treadmill that blew gas? On Marc Maron, A history of.

[Marc Maron]

The Chinese people in the form of methane mist during my.

[Adam Carolla]

Workout. Like, one of those murals where you see them go from the Bronze Age all the way through China, all.

[Marc Maron]

In just a cloud of peanut oil and.

[Adam Carolla]

Garlic. Do Asians even need to work out? I know that sounds racist. It's actually a compliment. But I just feel like. Like they got enough of a metabolism. They seem busy enough during the course of their day. I don't know whether they eat with a stick. They can never really overeat because of the. Because of the chopsticks. You know, we have super size. We. We have sporks, and we can get it all shoveled down, you.

[Marc Maron]

Know? Have you seen people that are good with chopsticks, though, dude? They. I mean, they shovel it.

[Adam Carolla]

Down.

[Marc Maron]

They. I mean, like, they bring the bowl right up to their.

[Adam Carolla]

Face.

[Marc Maron]

Right. Go at.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Yeah.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. And I don't. There's so much I don't understand. I. I can't judge, and I. It's hard for me.

[Adam Carolla]

To. I just don't see a ton of them at the gym, I guess, is what. Is what I'm saying. And I just feel between not being, you know, here's. Here's where you look bad when you're pasty white and you're hairy and you don't work out. You look like fried.

[Marc Maron]

Hell.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. They got that nice golden tone to them, and they don't have a lot of hair on their.

[Marc Maron]

Back. They're tight. They're.

[Adam Carolla]

Compact. They're compact. They're built like gymnasts. I'm just saying, you know.

[Marc Maron]

Risk. They understand something that we don't understand. There's more of them than anybody else in the world, and they now really own the world on paper, so they're doing something right. So whatever we're doing, maybe while.

[Adam Carolla]

We'Re all around in the gym, they're busy making big land.

[Marc Maron]

Deals. That's right. They're busy. Ideal. That's. That's the.

[Adam Carolla]

Interest. Or maybe they're home to make more.

[Marc Maron]

Right. There's a lot you got to.

[Adam Carolla]

Make that's how they're getting there. That's how they're burning their.

[Marc Maron]

Cows. That's the funny thing about Americans. It's sort of like, you know, I don't want to. Socialism. Fuck communism. If you shop at Walmart, you're supporting.

[Adam Carolla]

Communism.

[Marc Maron]

Yeah. It's a very interesting thing that there's this blind spot to that whole.

[Adam Carolla]

Thing. Why do we need. I know everything has a sticker on it now that says, you know, made in China or main. Or main. Whatever. Why first off is, is that a rule? Is that a law? Is that on the books, like the ingredients back of something? Because my feeling is, is if I'm China, I'm gonna have a bunch of first, first like first order of business if I'm China is get a whole bunch of stickers saying made in Germany. Right. That, that'll be our first plant. The plant that makes the made in Germany.

[Marc Maron]

Stickers. I think that's the whole bootlegging idea. Sure. Why exactly. Made in Germany. Top quality machine made Germany, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They hate Jews, but they love precision and they'll, they'll take care.

[Marc Maron]

Of. And they precisely tried to get rid of the Jews at one.

[Adam Carolla]

Time. Time. I've always, always felt like we should bond them a second time. I've.

[Marc Maron]

Always.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you the playing.

[Marc Maron]

Field to get the Euro down so we can kind of get some economic.

[Adam Carolla]

Dominance. First off. Yeah, historically, right. Take a look at the big picture, you know, thousands of years from now, you know, it was only 60 years ago, you know, barely 50 something years ago. I mean it's, you know, you don't recognize a big difference between, you know, 1345 and 1395 or 1410. You know what I mean? It's not, it's not a big span of.

[Marc Maron]

Time. A short period of time and.

[Adam Carolla]

The earth turns it like the earth.

[Marc Maron]

Calendar, things move a lot faster now because the Internet is.

[Adam Carolla]

Destroyed. Any SO5 so, you know, a couple thousand years from now, it'll go down in the history books. It's just one good bombing. You know, forget about if you do it, your layoff. And then secondly, I like the message. I like the message.

[Marc Maron]

Sent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. To the world that. Listen, any you crazy dictators out there, if you want to do something up, like if you got some sort of plan for ethnic cleansing or something.

[Marc Maron]

Like that, we'll get you.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually. We'll fuck your up up first go round and then we'll leave you alone. We'll surprise you and we'll let your kids graduate from college. And stuff like that. And then you're going to get carpet bombed again. And by the way, no warning, no.

[Marc Maron]

Heads. No, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming. Could be six years from after the first bomb. It could be 66.

[Marc Maron]

Years. Never.

[Adam Carolla]

Get. You'll get hit again and that will dissuade.

[Marc Maron]

You. Well, I think that's an interesting idea as a. I'm a Jew, but I'm not that Jewy in the sense that. But still German. I, you know, not even having relatives that I know about that were killed during the Holocaust, I find it very.

[Adam Carolla]

Uncomfortable. I have been through Holocaust museums. I'm not a Jew, but my. I have. My grandfather, My step grandfather's Jew. The Carollas are like very apathetic, sort of. I always look at them as sort of a. They're like guys who are in the stands that aren't a fan of either one of the teams that are on the field. You know what I mean? They're just gonna go get a beer and they're gonna take a piss and they'll hang.

[Marc Maron]

Out. They're just happy to be there for the.

[Adam Carolla]

Event. Just hanging out. Yeah, they wouldn't even be there. So. My grandfather is a Jew. He's my step grandfather. And he, he was the motivated one. He cooked, he took time. Yeah, he spent time. He burned calories. And so he was a mensch of a guy. And he's from Hungary and he had a bunch of his family members wiped out and put in camps and yeah, Budapest got turned into a ghetto and blah, blah, blah. So I have a lot of residual anger over what they did to the good Corolla, even though he's not a blood Corolla. And it's a good thing he's not a blood Corolla, because then he'd be like the rest of the corrupt. He's a Jew. And that's important.

[Marc Maron]

Thing. I had this thing where my. My. My ex wife had a grandmother who had a German accent. Okay. And they, you know, and they come from. From Germany. And there was. There was some history. I don't know if they were. It was just one of these things where I was in conversation with her talking about comedy and I was bringing up, you know, comics of her generation. And I think I brought up Alan King and she's like, no, I did not like him. Not because he was a Yuden. Like she used the word. And I literally felt the hair on the back of my neck rise up and I heard trains in my head, you know, and it was really disconcerting. And I don't have that identification completely with that whole German thing. But then they had the, you know, the questionable family photographs with the questionable uniforms. Yeah. Boy Scouts, you know, and then. And then, like years, like after I'd been with my wife for a while, we had this cat that was pissing all over the house and, you know, we didn't. We didn't know what to do. And I thought we just put it outside, but she goes, why don't we kill it? And I'm like, oh, my.

[Adam Carolla]

God.

[Marc Maron]

Wow. That's that thinking, I know. Who's next? The Jews are.

[Adam Carolla]

Next.

[Marc Maron]

Sure. Just kill the cat because it's peeing somewhere. It was very.

[Adam Carolla]

Frightening. Yeah, there's a gypsy peeing in our.

[Marc Maron]

House. Yeah, we just kill all of.

[Adam Carolla]

Them. Let's take them to the.

[Marc Maron]

Shower. Let's mark.

[Adam Carolla]

Them. Let's try another phone call. By the way, somebody has a long question online for Ian. Yeah, hello. What's going on? Ian, I have a question regarding self motivation. Perfect. I was wondering if you always have that nagging feeling that, like, you always have something to do, but you never end up getting it done. Like, I always feel like I have stuff to do, but then usually I'll just, like, beat off and then watch Star Trek and then I never end up getting it done. And I was wondering if you have methods of, like, how to avoid that. Yeah, I do. I.

[Marc Maron]

Do. Yeah, me.

[Adam Carolla]

Too. Yeah. Smoke. Smoke pot, beat off and then.

[Marc Maron]

Watch Star Trek and then you'll think you did.

[Adam Carolla]

It. No, I'll answer this. I don't know, Ian. I don't know if you really need this advice or not, but I'll answer it. For those who do actually want the advice. We started off talking about the kids and sports and all that kind of shit, when. Probably. Probably. Good, good. Note to end on. I was. Personally, I came from chaos. My family was quietly.

[Marc Maron]

Chaotic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. With a lot of welfare and food stamps just sort of flopping in people's extra houses and sitting on used furniture with sheets on it. No one did shit. And. And nobody any passion for anything. And nobody was motivated and just. It was a lot of depression. And when I got off on my own, I was ill equipped. I was like, I can relate to that. I was like one of these stories where they raised the bear in captivity or they raised.

[Marc Maron]

The. You weren't parenting. You had to parent your. You had to figure it.

[Adam Carolla]

Out. I had to sort of figure it out, but also I had no skills. Like I said, back to the analogy where you see these you know, 60 minute specials where they take Bengal tigers and they raise them and they're feeding them with bottles. And all of a sudden, one day, it's time for Kimba to go out into the jungle. It's ripped apart, and all she does is walk back and hang out by the fence and go, hey, you got any more scraps of food you could give me? Yeah. That replaced jungle with checkbook and, you know, figuring out how to pay things and start accounts and apply for credit cards. And that was me. Like, I couldn't fill out things. Same way, had no idea what to.

[Marc Maron]

Do. That's why I went into comedy, where you could just be a teenager.

[Adam Carolla]

Forever. Yeah. And even that, I couldn't get my shit together enough to really. To really follow through with. So what I started doing is I started sort of challenging myself and saying, look, if you. If you're thinking about something, go do it or write it down or take care of it or what. Meaning it's very simple at first. You know, you're sitting in the house, and for me, I always just say, it was the. It was the coffee mug. Like, I would leave the house, go to my construction job and have my commuter mug or my coffee mug or whatever it was, and I'd finish it and I'd throw it on the floor of my pickup truck on the passenger side. It would roll around, and then I'd be getting out of my truck at the end of the evening, getting ready to head back into the rented house. And I'd look down at the coffee mug, and it'd be out of arm's reach. And I'd stare at it for a second, and I'd say, grab that cup, bring it in the house and rinse it out. And then I'd go, ah, fuck it, I'll grab a new one for tomorrow. And then I'd go, you know what? But then that's gonna roll around and it's gonna chip when they clank together. And I'd go, hey, listen, hotshot, you can go in the house, bring a new one out, set it on the seat tomorrow so they don't get. They don't clank together, right? 20 minutes into the wrestling with myself over whether to go grab the coffee mug and bring it into the house and rinse it out or leave it in the truck, right? At a certain point, I just went it. If you see that coffee mug, you pounce on.

[Marc Maron]

It. Take.

[Adam Carolla]

It. Like, just go grab it, bring in the house, right? It won't be a thought anymore. It Will be.

[Marc Maron]

Done. Well, I think that's a good example, because I think, like, I understand what this guy's saying. I think if you think of what you need to do as. All at once, it's very easy to get overwhelmed and exhausted and have to jerk off to feel better. Because the tension that comes from like, oh, shit, I gotta do this, I gotta do that, and then you connect them all, and it's just a tidal wave on your couch, and you're left no other options but to nap or jerk off in.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Right.

[Marc Maron]

Where. Right. Whereas if you just say, well, if. Let's. Let's break it down. If I, you know, I. This is what I can get done today. And moving towards finishing the other.

[Adam Carolla]

Stuff. Very. It's, you know, one of those things. I'm sure the guy who was blowing hot gas on the treadmill next to you the other day at the gym, his mantra was, the, you know, journey of a thousand miles begins with one step on this treadmill and one beef from my ass. But that's like a fortune cookie. Yeah. Everything. It's a metaphor. And for building, it's. It's build. I build a lot of things, and it all seems overwhelming. Like, ah, fuck, we got to pour the foundation, and we got to get the wood in here, and then we got to frame the thing, and then we gotta put the roof.

[Marc Maron]

On. It's time to jerk off a.

[Adam Carolla]

Nap. It's time to jerk off a nap. And you can. Here's what you can't do. Yeah, Mark, this is great advice. You can't stand back and look at the totality of it and go, oh, God, it's going to be a year of.

[Marc Maron]

Misery. You go.

[Adam Carolla]

Doomed. You go, you know what? I'm going to Terry Lumber and buying some wood, because I will knock off the framing part of this by the end of this week. Then I'll start thinking about the roofing and the stucco and the drywall. Right now, if I start thinking about the roofing, the stucco, and the drywall, I won't do the.

[Marc Maron]

Framing. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's too big. Let's just do it incrementally. Like building a castle out of.

[Marc Maron]

Lego. Yep, exactly. But this guy, though, he might be afraid, though. Some people would rather talk about doing things and do them. So you've got to figure out which guy you are.

[Adam Carolla]

First. All right. A good, positive note to go out on. Marc Maron.

[Marc Maron]

Pleasure. Great.

[Adam Carolla]

Time. Come back anytime you like. By the way, you can. Well, you can go to. You can go to Itunes and see wtf, what the fuck. His podcast, which is up there and they're perennially in the top. At least 25 moves around like all of ours do. But it's always up there and always entertaining. So you can check that out and donate because I like that idea. And. And again, it's something we're sort of wrestling with here. They get something for free. We're sort of coming up on our one year anniversary of free and we're trying to figure out a way to have that balance where you don't get greedy and you don't become the.

[Marc Maron]

Man and you don't and you don't alienate a bunch of people by charging them. You leave it on them. They can do that. WTFpod.com right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Also again, we're gonna be out at Irvine, second show added, first show sold out. Still some tickets available and support our buddy Seth MacFarlane and company. I think we'll be out there this Friday. And also speaking of support, this Friday we will put on sale our second show that we did over on Ontario. And by the way, it's always the better show. In case you're curious, I take the better of the two and that's the one. You guys have been generous over 3,000 downloads already. It's a way to compensate the comics that come out and do it for us and it's a way to compensate the we's and me and Sandy and everyone else here at the podcast. So thank you in advance and until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Marc Maron Sand.

[Podcast Narrator/Producer]

Mahala. All right, that was episode 255. I was actually there in studio that day pitching Adam Kroll the podcast DVD idea to make back all the initial money he spent on bandwidth to kind of make things right. I think we had like a hundred thousand dollar or eighty thousand dollar bandwidth bill still. And the DVDs actually went on to make over three hundred thousand dollars. So paid everything back in full. While I was there, I pitched the DVD idea to Mark Marin and explained it to him. He's like, nobody buys DVDs anymore. And he'll explain how it might be a really good idea for what the fuck and they can make some of their money back. They ultimately did do that. And then he gave full credit to his producer Brandon. I believe they used a paper sleeve and we had glass press masters and official cases. He was really concerned before he went in, while he was eating all the donuts, he ate like three in a row in front of me. And the Rest of the crew. And he was worried about, like, having a political argument with Adam. His ideas about poor people differ. And I explained that Adam grew up on housing and welfare. He had a mother who was quoted as saying, if I get a job, I'll lose my food stick. Which is literally gaming the system and not good for anybody, especially for the kids. So I talked to Marc Maron in depth about that, actually, right beforehand. I said, listen, dude, just go in there and talk about farts. You'll have a great time. And so that's what he did. And it became that legendary episode. And no one remembers it except for myself. Jace hall was also there, online video game enthusiast, famous to people in the Street Fighter community, that kind of thing. Very interesting day. There was another dude who showed up with, like, promoting Superfoods. He had like, a bunch of, like, Green Food Initiative. Weird episode. All right, coming up next, we have ADAM Carol Show 311 featuring Nick Offerman. This is Nick's debut appearance on the podcast. After this episode, Adam would of course go tour his wood shop with Ray for an ace on the house episode. There's also more Adam Carolla show stuff that featured Nick. Very interesting guy. Very cool report of.

[Nick Offerman]

Adam. Check it.

[Adam Carolla]

Out. O'Reilly slash Adam. Welcome to the podcast. Nick Offerman. Nick is. He plays Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation. He's the. Well, everyone on the show is funny, but I would say he's the funniest one on Parks and Recreation. I'm sorry, I'm gonna blush. Well, you are fucking great on that.

[Nick Offerman]

Show. Thank.

[Adam Carolla]

You. NBC Thursday nights at 8:30 and its second season. I've seen, I would say, more than half the episodes. And you're always great. And in every episode I've seen, you have a love of woodworking. We'll get into that in just a second, but let's. Let's go back. Where are you from? How'd you get.

[Nick Offerman]

Started? Oh, boy. Well, I grew up in a farm family in a little town called Minooka, Illinois. I was raised in the Catholic church, and I think as an altar boy and then doing the readings, I was called the lector. And I would do the gospel readings before the priest. I think that was where I discovered my love of the.

[Adam Carolla]

State. You had. Well, I mean, you have to get up in front of a crowd. Yeah, A crowd that does judge by the way. They do certainly people who are not afraid to do a little judging and you have to do these sort of like cold readings. Yeah. At what.

[Nick Offerman]

Age? Oh, that was probably 14 years old and you know, I, I perfected. That was where I really began my deadpan studies because most of the crowd thought I was giving these impassioned readings of the Bible. But my three friends and my cousin were cracking up because they knew I was full of.

[Adam Carolla]

It.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. You know, Jesus did speak unto the peoples and they just thought it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Hilarious. Right. Because a very fine line between put on and a farce and a serious read. And I know people don't, especially older people and God fearing people don't seem to have that ironic gene where they know when you're fucking with them, putting them.

[Nick Offerman]

On. They can't see how hilarious the Bible.

[Adam Carolla]

Is. Yes. Especially when read in earnest by a 14 year old. So you grew up, you say, dad, did you grow up on a farm or in a farming.

[Nick Offerman]

Community? My family, my mom's family still ran and still does have corn and beans. And growing up we had pigs as well. And four of us of our families all lived around the farm. So we all worked on the farm for grandma and grandpa. And then, you know, farmers can build anything. My uncle can build a pickup truck out of what's laying around in his shop. So by the time I was in high school, we had built a couple houses and barns and, and you know, I could swing a hammer and then to pay for. I had. The crazy moment was when I learned you could go to theater school. That was a, it was shocking to me that you could study an art in.

[Adam Carolla]

College.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. And it was very shocking to my family and my community as well when I decided to do just.

[Adam Carolla]

That. It's so weird that it wasn't that long ago historically, but, but you may have, may as well been living in another time period.

[Nick Offerman]

Right? I mean, I may as well living in.

[Adam Carolla]

Mayberry. I grew up here in North Hollywood and I mean it's got the word Hollywood right in the title, even though it really doesn't have anything to do with Hollywood. But I grew up, you know, four miles away from Hollywood and you know, in among, you know, the Radford studio was over there and Paramount was over there and Warner Brothers was over there and in the 80s and still was like, what you want to do? What are you.

[Nick Offerman]

Nuts? You can't get there from.

[Adam Carolla]

Here. Yeah, it's like what, I can walk there from here. I pass all these places when I'm driving my pickup truck around. Yeah. But it was like, it was, it just felt, you know what it was. I, I think, I think what it is, at least with my family, I don't I don't want to speak for years, but. But it was more about success than it was about doing acting or comedy or writing for a living. It's like, listen, we're depressed. We have shitty lives and shitty jobs, and you're not going anywhere. And whether you want to be CEO of Nabisco or get a job on Parks and Recreation, fuck it. Stay here and wait to die with.

[Nick Offerman]

Us. Yeah, it's definitely, you know, not only in my family, but in my small community, which may as well have been Mayberry. It was really white, and it was really felt like the 50s. The. The thought of pursuing a career in any art was just unheard of.

[Adam Carolla]

Like. Well, it also was for the.

[Nick Offerman]

Gays.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, there's. There's definitely a. You know, there was a sexual component to it, which is real.

[Nick Offerman]

Guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Don't mince about. With cod pieces.

[Nick Offerman]

On.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And talking to Skull.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. With. With makeup.

[Adam Carolla]

And. Right. It's funny. Even my. My son. I have twins. They're gonna be four pretty soon. And my son had to try to, you know, he's playing with his tanks and his trucks and his cars and his. And his. In his railroads. And my daughter's running around with the perfume and the lip gloss and, you know, whoring herself all up and Real troll up that one. And. And my son had to have a conversation with me about makeup because daddy did the Leno show on Monday and Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday, and he came home wearing makeup, you know, and they're like, that's daddy makeup. That's boy makeup. And there's really no boy makeup. It's all chick makeup applied to boys. But in his mind, I think he's trying to make some sense of his dad coming back, you know, dressed like a.

[Nick Offerman]

Whore. Yeah. I mean, that's. That's a tough category for a child to wrap their head around.

[Adam Carolla]

Because. Or a farming.

[Nick Offerman]

Community. Oh, yeah. I mean, I. It.

[Adam Carolla]

Took.

[Nick Offerman]

I. Looking back on it, I can say that I had some courage as a kid because I would. I was on the football team, but then I'd have to miss practice because I was in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Chorus.

[Marc Maron]

Right.

[Nick Offerman]

And. And there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of. Of sort of homophobic humor thrown my.

[Adam Carolla]

Way.

[Nick Offerman]

Sure. Where I was like, no, I just really dig singing, you know, or whatever it is, or being in the school play. But then. Then I'd have those feel good moments where, like, the. The football bully would come to the play and be like, hey, man, you were. It was really good, that play. You were really.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Hit you in the arm. Yeah. I think someone has a question about Parks and Recreation, by the way, so we should try to. Let's phone up and we'll phone up. We'll continue the journey. Because I do love that part. I do love to know how everyone got from where they started to here. For me, it's easy. I'm still here. I never went anywhere. Hey, Joey. Yo. Yo, Joey. You have a question for. What's going on, man? How are you? You have a question for Nick? I'm doing well. Doing well. I got a Twitter a few minutes ago saying you had my man Ron Swanson over there and I freaked out in the flesh. How you doing, guys? I just wanted you both to know I've been running a blog for a year and a half and I haven't. I haven't pushed harder for anything than the Ace podcast and Parks and Rec. Trying to get everyone I know. It's about them. They're.

[Nick Offerman]

Fantastic. Well, thank.

[Adam Carolla]

You. We appreciate it. Yeah. Do you have a question? I really. I can't get enough of it. I just wanted to ask Nick something. You know, I've been following you ever since I found you on Parks and Rec, to be honest, and I was just wondering, you have any new plans coming out? I saw you have one movie on IMDb coming out later this year or next year, but anything in the comedy realm. I know you have some great people on your show wondering if you're going to do anything with them. Amy Poehler, Aziz, anything like that. I'd love to get some more stuff with you.

[Nick Offerman]

Guys. Well, I'm probably going to be doing something for the Funny or Die website in a short amount of time. My wife, who's Megan Mullally from Will and Grace, has just done a couple things for them and that's kind of a hotbed for comedy shorts right now. On the comedy front, that's about it. I do have this Ryan Gosling movie coming out called All Good Things, which is a horrible tragedy. It's an insane drama about.

[Adam Carolla]

Murder. Is he not. So. So it's a serious.

[Nick Offerman]

Role. It is, yeah. It's. It's crazy. Oscar worthy work for.

[Adam Carolla]

Ryan. Ryan, very.

[Nick Offerman]

Good. Kirsten Dunst. Yeah, they're.

[Adam Carolla]

Amazing. What do you prefer, comedy or.

[Nick Offerman]

Tragedy? If I had to pick, I'd pick comedy because it's. It's the same, you know, it's the same technique. And they say comedy's harder because you're. You're still taking everything very seriously. But in comedy, you're also making an ass of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yourself.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. And you have to keep a straight face in the face of Amy.

[Adam Carolla]

Poehler.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. What have you. But you know, we'll probably talk about this a little more later. But I also just had a somewhat humorous canoe building DVD come out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yesterday. Oh.

[Nick Offerman]

Really? Yeah, that's, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

[e-mail]. you built a.

[Nick Offerman]

Canoe? Yeah, I just finishing my second canoe. In fact, there was a canoe on the show a few weeks ago and that was my, my first canoe that I had.

[Adam Carolla]

Built. You built that canoe.

[Nick Offerman]

Yourself? Yeah, and this great company in Canada had me do a video of the whole process to go along with their book and that just came out yesterday. It's, it's a lot of fun, but it also takes you through the actual building of your own canoe in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Garage. Oh, that's a non stop party. Building a canoe. I mean, their lines forming around the block at canoe building centers. They should really have a color me mind, you know, for canoe building, you know, because there's such an outcry. I mean the public is so many people living in apartments and condominiums where they don't have access to canoe centers. And they would love to get their hands on some mahogany and bend it around a frame and this. There's just not, there's not enough shellac to go around. I've said many times, what about all the inner city kids? They can't build canoes, you know, yeah, sure, they'll have some park league or something where there's some canoe building after school, but again, there's just not enough canoes and boathouses to go around for all those at risk youth, the latchkey kids don't have access. I remember as a young kid not, you know, yearning to build a canoe, you know, dreaming about canoe building. My father would get drunk and make a lot of promises about, you know, going down, doing some canoe construction over the weekend. Sadly, that day never.

[Nick Offerman]

Came. It is a tragedy, but I'm fomenting a new movement for a nationwide canoe building.

[Adam Carolla]

Force. Well, not, not only that, but I don't know why Hollywood hasn't picked this up and ran with it. You know, they haven't have these amateur dance competitions, these singing competitions. Surely canoe building is more gratifying and more titillating than that. What was the junior high shop class where there was a canoe up in the rafters and the teacher would tell you, and if you're get good enough, you can build one of these. Mr. Martin Plastics, he Had a kayak. Kayak, yeah. My experience in every shop class. No, it's all right. That was. Oh, that was Mr. Mallon who was such a dick. I hated Mr. Mallon so much that his, his cute daughter was the only girl in my high school who actually showed any interest in me. And I wouldn't date her because I had such a disdain for her.

[Nick Offerman]

Father. That's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Drag. And it was like one of these things where every, every, every shop class was the same way, which is they went like the first day of plastics class. They show a slideshow from like the county fair from eight years ago. And they'd be like, that's Eric Heidelstein. Eric built a kayak and got a blue ribbon in the county fair from 1974. Eric was one of, he was, he had the greatest instinct around plastics and laminates that any of any kid I've ever worked with. And you would just sit there as a, like, like in seventh grade going, yeah, one day they're going to be showing my kayak, the slideshow. They're going to be talking about.

[Nick Offerman]

Me. Suck on this.

[Adam Carolla]

Eric. Yeah. And you're going to be like, I'm going to make Mr. Mallon so proud of me when I nail that kayak. And then what happens is, is you start off by making a sanding block or some bullshit like that. And after about three weeks of that you're like, fuck this noise, I'm out of here. And you realize you're eight semesters away from the kayak. We just want to go to work. Everything works out this way. I remember going to Valley College down the street when I was like 19 going, hey man, you guys got a radio station? And they're like, whoa, not so fast. That's fifth semester students. You got to do voice and diction and like, ah, fuck it, I'm gonna go make a kayak. So yeah, I would always get bored too quickly and I would never get to the, never get to the point. But kayak involves a lot of laminating and bending and warping of wood and I haven't done. That's fine building. How do you do.

[Nick Offerman]

That? Well, I'm doing a kayak next.

[Adam Carolla]

Actually, because this company, or I should say canoes and kayaks.

[Nick Offerman]

Alright. Yeah, I mean, well, there are a couple, the two most popular forms. One is called cedar strip building and you build a sort of vertebral looking mold and you bend these quarter inch thick strips over the.

[Adam Carolla]

Mold. Yeah. And the mold sort of looks like, I don't know, like fish bones or a spine or something like that. You make the general spine kind of like aircraft.

[Nick Offerman]

Construction. Very much.

[Adam Carolla]

So. You sort of have your bulkheads and then you skin it.

[Nick Offerman]

Essentially. And in both cases, you're trying to make it as lightweight as.

[Adam Carolla]

Possible. Right. But once it dries, it gets incredibly rigid.

[Nick Offerman]

It. Yeah. In this particular canoe building technique, the. It's called a monocoque construction. It gets fiberglass with epoxy resin inside and out The. The cedar hull. And so that combined with the curved shape, makes it incredibly.

[Adam Carolla]

Rigid. Yeah. Monocoque is used in racing applications for cars as well. Like instead of having a tube frame or a chassis or something like that, the actual shape of the car becomes the rigidity of the car. Explained it correctly. Now, so let me ask. And by the way, I was saying American Idol and Dance with the Stars, there should be some sort of canoe building show. You know, I think that would capture the hearts and minds of.

[Nick Offerman]

Americans. It would be.

[Adam Carolla]

Huge. Ryan Seacrest kids running out. I'm going to. They'd probably be going, like, going to.

[Nick Offerman]

Montana. I'm going to.

[Adam Carolla]

Maine. I'm going to Maine. I'm going to build a canoe. So couple things. When you bend this quarter inch, what'd you say? What?

[Nick Offerman]

Cedar? Western red.

[Adam Carolla]

Cedar. When you, when you, when you bend the cedar, do you have to treat it, soak it and, you know, yak urine or anything like that? Or it just bends. It'll just bend itself. It's thin.

[Nick Offerman]

Enough? Yeah, it's thin and it's supple enough that for most of the hull, you're just, just, you're bending it and, and, and, you know, clamping it as you.

[Adam Carolla]

Go.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. There is some steam bending involved in the pieces that are called the stems, which are like the two hardwood ends of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Canoe. You would steam those up and get them to. And get them to flex without.

[Nick Offerman]

Snapping. Yeah, it's, you know, it's a classic steam. Steam laminates and then bend them over a mold and then epoxy them into one solid.

[Adam Carolla]

Piece. Right. And then, and then as far as fasteners, are you using like stainless steel or copper or something like.

[Nick Offerman]

That? Yeah, you try and use something that won't corrode. I used. There's not a lot of fasteners in a canoe or kayak, but there is a couple spots where you need screws. And so I use bronze.

[Adam Carolla]

Screws. Right. And are you doing this at your.

[Nick Offerman]

House? I actually was living in New York because my wife was working on Broadway and because I was away from my shop and my furniture clients. I took a bag of planes and chisels and was like, you know what? I'm gonna go to New York with my wife and this will be a great chance to build that canoe I've been dying to build. And so I rented a shop in Red Hook, Brooklyn, and that's when I got on the phone with Bear Mountain Boats and this whole video thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Came into play and they were like, oh, not another celebrity wants to build a canoe. Yeah, these guys at Bear Mountain Boats must have been like, Jesus Christ had Matthew McConaughey through here, Ed Norton, I mean, all the Bruce Valanch, I think, huge into canoeing. Yeah. So they must say, not another poser is going to build half a canoe and then flake on us. It must have really had to do some selling to these.

[Nick Offerman]

Guys. A good buddy of mine, who I don't know if you've ever seen.

[Adam Carolla]

Sasha Baron Cohen comes to mind. That's a guy started a canoe and never finished.

[Nick Offerman]

It. Yeah, he's a dugout.

[Adam Carolla]

Man. Yeah, he's an.

[Nick Offerman]

Old. He has Pacific Northwest blood in.

[Adam Carolla]

Him.

[Nick Offerman]

Sure. So there's a buddy of mine on the Lower east side named Jimmy Diresta, and he's had shows on diy. His brother is a stand up named John Diresta, and they had a really funny show called Hammered where it's like, hey, I'm Jimmy Diresta, I can build anything. And I'm John Diresta, I can make anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Funny.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. And so Jimmy can actually build anything while John annoys him by wisecracking. So Jimmy is kind of my shop buddy in New York and he shoots all of his own projects. So I said, hey, you want to do this canoe thing together? And he, you know, just for the love of making something, agreed to shoot and edit the whole video. So we did this whole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Together. And where can you find it? Bearmountainboats.com and your wife, Megan Mullally, is she an assful of you in your canoes or she just doesn't care or she's.

[Nick Offerman]

Supportive? She's really into my. My furniture and my canoe stuff. Because it keeps me off the.

[Adam Carolla]

Smack.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. Is the main.

[Adam Carolla]

Thing. Sure. Keeps me out of the strip.

[Nick Offerman]

Clubs. Keeps me out of the public.

[Adam Carolla]

House. Yeah, yeah. So now in furniture, you build as.

[Nick Offerman]

Well? I do, yeah. I. I built scenery professionally for years, and then when I got to la, there wasn't as much of a theater community as there was in Chicago. And I was kind of screwed because I had this balance between Acting and carpentry. And so, you know, somebody wanted a deck built, and then somebody wanted a couple cabins up on Mulholland. And in doing that, I got into post and beam construction, and that's where something clicked and I got completely besotted by.

[Adam Carolla]

Joinery.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. Old school mortise and tenon and.

[Adam Carolla]

Dovetails. Finger joints. Yeah. I never learned how to do any of that. So you and I are both builders, but we're in different. Different ends of the building. Warehouse, if you will. But now, how did a lot of those conversations go? Like, you'd go to the person's house, they go, look, we want to do a kitchen remod. You'd go, how about a canoe? And they'd go, we really like to just focus on the kitchen. Really. Because I walked through your garage, I did not see a canoe, a watercraft of any sort. Look, we just want to redo the entry hall bathroom and then the master bedroom and a.

[Nick Offerman]

Canoe. And really.

[Adam Carolla]

We. We don't want to talk about canoes anymore. So you got into the. The fine furniture and. Yeah. See, nobody. Here's how the joints sort of work, because a lot of people listening are into this. I'm sure the laziest joint you can do is just a butt joint. Just a. Two pieces. You know, let's say you're making a drawer boom, butt joint. Then after that you get into a rabbet or a dado that's just a groove, what looks like a U or an L, depending on whether it's a rabbet or a dado. And you do that to join the right side of the drawer with the back side of the drawer. That's the second laziest, but acceptable.

[Nick Offerman]

Enough. A little more glue.

[Adam Carolla]

Surface. Use a little. Use some glue and a couple of. Couple of pin nails from the gun, you'll be fine. Now that are. Or staples, perhaps. That's. That's what I would do. That's. That's about as lazy as I was. I would just use the. The rabbit or the dado. Well, you dado in the bottom and rabbit in the sides right of the drawer. But then if you get to Nick's level, you start getting into dovetail joints and finger joints and other things like that, which is. That becomes an art form at that point. And that's a. That's a joint that requires no nails.

[Nick Offerman]

Essentially. Oh, certainly. But, you know, the thing about it is it's really hard to make any money, especially if you're cutting them by.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand. Yeah. And if you're Doing it, you get all the pride in doing it right, but no one wants to pay for that extra shit. And it's like I used to. I worked at a European cabinet shop for a long time and you want to talk about fast, they just take pre laminated. So I worked in cabinet shops where you would lay up laminate, where you would do laminate work. You take a piece of MDF or particle board, probably back in the day, and you'd lay it up, you'd take the laminate, you put it on top and it's the craziest thing because tough shit to everyone who's bored. I'm talking about building. You take contact cement.

[Nick Offerman]

Meanwhile. This is the greatest interview I've ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Had. Yes. You take contact cement and you take a roller and you roll it out on the backside of the laminate, Formica, whatever you're using, Wilson Art, whatever brand you're using. And then you roll the other side out on the particle board or the mdf, the medium density fiber board. And then you wait till both surfaces completely dry. And I mean bone dry. Smack your hand on it. Nothing like putting your hand down on a coffee table. Just nothing. Both services, nothing. But when those two, when those two services make contact, they're done. They're welded to each other. I don't know how this works, but you, you, you will rip the Formica if you try to get it apart. So how do you lay out a huge 4x8 sheet of Formica on a 4x8 sheet of MDF, if in no part can make contact before it's time to make contact? Well, you take a bunch of dowels and you put them about a foot apart, you make a little bed and you carefully lay it down on top. And then as you remove the dowels, you keep working your way to the end. You're patting it down, rolling it down, hitting with a mallet. And then you trim off all the extra with a router that has a bearing bit and put a trimmer bit on it. Now, Nick was telling me about a little trouble he had with a router. A router, quietly, the most dangerous tool in the garage certainly, and still to this day, are designed so that there's no variable speed on a router. It's on or off. It's a toggle switch. It's either 3 horsepower and 9,000 rpm or it's dead as a door now, just totally dormant. It's kind of like an.

[Marc Maron]

Alligator.

[Adam Carolla]

Alligator. Just either, either just sitting there floating, doing nothing. You're Poking it with a stick. And next thing you know, the whole thing's on your.

[Nick Offerman]

Head. Yeah. You're inside. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

Gullish. It doesn't have a medium, it doesn't have a. You know what? I'm gonna start moving soon enough. It just has a off and on. And routers, you turn them on and they're on. Like they start pulling out of your hands. They got a lot of torque steer in them. And the thing you can do if you want to fuck with your buddies or possibly kill your buddies is next time you're over at their shop and you're drunk, just walk around to the routers, which are unplugged, and turn all the toggle switches on so that when they get plugged in, they go on. Now why there hasn't been a lawsuit about routers, the most dangerous tool in the garage that will turn on if somebody flips the switch on. When you plug it in automatically, whether you're holding it or near it or not, it's on. Why design them that.

[Nick Offerman]

Way? I don't know. It's a. I mean, it's a free. It's. It's like a gigantic version of a dentist drill. It's a free floating.

[Adam Carolla]

Motor.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. With. With a bit. And the one accident I had in the shop, it took off some of my fingertip because it was three in the morning. I was trying to finish a job, you know, by the next morning, working all night and the router was sitting upside down. So the bits up on my table and. Exactly, exactly that happened. A carbide tip. It was like a roundover bit. And I plugged it.

[Adam Carolla]

In. So it had a bearing in. It had a bearing on.

[Nick Offerman]

It.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The cheap ones just have a stick at the bottom. But anyway, if it's carbide, probably a little bearing at the bottom and it's just the shape of the thing that it's gonna.

[Nick Offerman]

Make. Yeah, it's gonna make a little cove right around a piece of trim. And I plugged it in. It had been on. So the router flipped on and jumped off the table. And those router bits are expensive.

[Adam Carolla]

So you don't want to take.

[Nick Offerman]

The. Before I thought I went to catch it and took off.

[Adam Carolla]

The. You caught a router in mid flight. While it was on, I saved.

[Nick Offerman]

More, man than I've ever been 65 bit, I'll tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Yeah, router bits get really expensive, especially the ones with the half inch.

[Nick Offerman]

Shank.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. You don't have to use a reducer in your collar for that. I had a lovely experience with a router at about 3am as well. I thankfully didn't pay the price, but if I would have, I probably just would have died and bled out alone in the shop during my. Some of my lowest days as a. As a human being. I was working as a carpenter like you, just doing cabinet jobs for people. And I had a buddy who had a cabinet shop in Chatsworth, pretty much across the street from Spahn Ranch, where Manson used to hang out. And this back in the day where there wasn't that much going on in Chatsworth, it wasn't that developed. And this was. He had the very last unit at the very end of an industrial complex on Owensmouth, next to the train tracks in the middle of nowhere. It was like scary and dark and there's a lot of open fields and unseemly types wandering around. And the problem is, is if I was doing my own gig, I could only use the cabinet shop from the time he stopped using it till 8am or 6am during the next morning. So I would go in there alone at, you know, 8 o' clock at night. I'd back my truck up in it. I'd lock myself in, essentially. Inevitably, I'd beat off at some point. But I never told him that. Look, if it was going to be from the time the street lights came on till the time they went off, you know, it was a lonely period of my life. And I would work there alone. I'd pay him like 50 bucks. And I just worked there alone all night doing my jobs, my jobs. I'd be doing it two in the morning. And it's so weird being in the back of an industrial park in Chatsworth. Something weird about doing that kind of work at like 3am you're not drunk or anything. It just doesn't feel.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. It's surreal. And somewhere else in that park, someone else is being reading.

[Adam Carolla]

Off. Oh, I felt the vibes. I think that's what reminded me to do it. As I was like, oh, yeah, my spidey sense was tingling. So I had this horrible thing where I needed to drill a hole in like a cabinet that I was making that was like an inch and a quarter wide. I just needed and it. And if I didn't drill that hole, I had to stop for that night. So I said, all right, let me go find the drill. I had an inch and a quarter paddle bit, one of those flat bits, and I went looking around and God damn it, the drills, the cordless drill, the half inch Drill motor was all in his truck. He was off doing another job. I didn't bring it my truck because I figured he had it there. And how was I going to drill this hole without a drill? Well, I thought, well, what if I take this bit, which is about six and a half inches long and has a. By the way, the thing's about 316 thick, the stem on the thing, and I'll put it a router and I'll. I'll put it in the router and I'll use the router to drill this hole. So I put it in the router fit in the chuck. It was a little bit loose. I tightened it up as much as I could, and then I held the router. It was upside down, just sort of right in front of my face. And I turned the router on and this thing went from vertical to helicopter blade in about a revolution and a half. Because again, these things don't warm up. It's just on or off. And when they're on, they're on big time. And I just stood there holding the router, seeing this helicopter blade going around. Like if it would have flown off, it would have stuck in my eye or my throat or something like, ha ha ha. And again, like you. I wasn't gonna chuck the router because, you know, it was. Was. It was probably a, you know, delta or it's a day's work, you know. Yeah, it was a day's work for this Porter cable was probably $140 router. I'm not going to chuck it. The thing flies off, there's a decent chance it'll miss me. It's this pointed thing. I mean, it literally, those bits have just a spade tip on them that would go right through your neck. And things are spinning around. I'm just staring at it and. And I. I think I unplugged. I think I pulled the plug and the bit was just bent.

[Nick Offerman]

Over. Oh, my.

[Adam Carolla]

God. But it stayed in the chuck. And I had that like the thing you have when you get in a near motorcycle accident. Like, I mean, really, I couldn't beat off for like another 20 minutes. I was that. That profoundly disturbed by it. Then I thought, all right, you must respect the.

[Nick Offerman]

Router.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Do not around with a router and do not put a drill bit in a.

[Nick Offerman]

Router. That's a good cautionary.

[Adam Carolla]

Tip. They should put a fucking sticker on that thing that says no drill bits. Because I can't be the first asshole who said, well, the thing turns around, why not? Put a drill bit in.

[Nick Offerman]

It. That's the great thing about working in a shop is you're always problem solving. You're like, well, this, this drill won't reach. This won't drill around a corner. Well, I have this tiny router, you know, it's, it's. You're bound to try it at some point.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And I did. And yeah, on one end of the spectrum, you're doing your finger joints and your dovetails and all your mortise and your tenon, your, your, your dados and your rabbits and like, and laying up your laminate work and like. When I worked at the Euro cabinet shop, the stuff would come, it was Cortron or melamine. It would come pre laminated, so you'd get the boards and they already had the vinyl on it. They just put it up on a saw and rip it up, run it through an edge bander and everything got put together. Butt joint with something called Confirmat screws. Time saver. Special bit. Special screw. Strong, but took all the artistry out of it. It's all that IKEA Euro shit. It's all just fast and cheap and meant to be slapped together. And it's no good for guys like you because if they got an estimate for my shop, we do your whole kitchen for 1400 bucks, right? Whereas you're doing, you're doing finger joints on every drawer. No way you can compete with that.

[Nick Offerman]

Right? No, but Los Angeles is a great community for that because there's a lot of people who want a special piece. You know, one of the things I love about my piece is that it's, it's not like our new disposable society where people change their furniture and their silverware like they change their socks, you know, like, well, spring is in the air. It's time for a new bathroom. And I like making stuff that'll last for 300 years and that, you know, somebody's grandkid will get. But here there's people who can afford that kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Furniture. And what do you make? What kind of furniture do you.

[Nick Offerman]

Make? Well, I try to do something different with each client to further my education. So often people will say, just because of my specialized work, they'll say, I would really like to get a piece from you. So I'll go over to their house and say, okay. Well, you know, they'd say, I'd like a dining room table or a bed or a chest of drawers. And I'll look around and say, okay, what if we do a chest of drawers here and we'll do a shaker piece, you know, and I'll sketch it.

[Adam Carolla]

Out. How about that sex chair from Star.

[Nick Offerman]

80? That. Yeah, I've done that in a few.

[Adam Carolla]

Different. Mahogany put in the kids.

[Nick Offerman]

Room. Zebra wood.

[Adam Carolla]

Would. So. So now you say clients, you're gainfully.

[Nick Offerman]

Employed. I.

[Adam Carolla]

Am. Your wife has a ton of fu. Money. You guys aren't.

[Nick Offerman]

Hurting.

[Adam Carolla]

No. But yet, even though you're doing Parks and Recreation and you guys are going, going gangbusters, you still work. I mean, you still work. You have clients who commission you. Yeah. Like an.

[Nick Offerman]

Artist. It's. Well, you know, they're. Growing up in this farm family was such a rewarding childhood. We never had a lot of bread, but our lives were so rich because we always had the satisfaction of doing all this work with our hands. And we always felt really good at the end of the day because we had busted our asses. And going into the arts as I did, I immediately felt the vacuum of that satisfaction where I was like, after a couple years of theater school, I began to feel emasculated, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. And so my furniture shop keeps me attached to the people in my family and allows me to still feel like, you know, you're powerless. Working on a TV show, there's hundreds of people inputting in the work, and you're not going to see the results of your work for a while. Whereas in your shop, you're the boss at the end of the day, you can look at this table you've.

[Adam Carolla]

Built, you know, it's.

[Nick Offerman]

Tangible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's something that wasn't there before. And if you'd never been born, it would never be there. And then. Yeah, it'll get passed around and long after you're gone, it'll be there for somebody else to use. And there's something very physical and sort of satisfying about it. And then the other side is you're writing jokes and you're rehearsing and you're doing a bunch of stuff, but it just goes up into the ether. It's always just gone when you're done. I mean, thank God somebody films it, but even then it still basically ends up it essentially gone. Whereas you redo your kitchen or someone else's, and you have a daily relationship with that. I think we got some building calls if you want to try. Want to try.

[Nick Offerman]

That? Let's take it.

[Adam Carolla]

On. All right, let's see. Cement floor. Let's just hop to line one. Hey, Harry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, he's going by the code name of Harry. Seward, which is I. I decided with all the, you know, sort of Dick Gozinia and Harry Parates, these. Now that we live in a society where people say he called him the N word or he called him the C word or he called him the F word. We're doing all that. That I realize there's a whole new group of joke.

[Nick Offerman]

Names.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I actually had someone paid someone at an airport or a casino named Harry Seward. Works nicely. Thanks. Harry. What's going on? What are you. What are you talking about? All right, go ahead. Well, please, I'm gonna hang up on you if you don't have a question. Got this addition to my garage, real old garage that I knocked down. And the floor that's left under it is like these masonry blocks just all laid down and cemented together. It's not level, but I want it. I want to use it as a patio. How do I level that out? You're gonna have to skim over it with something. You're not gonna be able to get under it and level it out. You're gonna have to go over the top of it with some sort of cementuous product. It's better than just breaking it out, just busting it out and then cementing again. Well, there's. There's two. There's two ways you can go with these kinds of things. You can go rent a jackhammer, jack the whole thing out, get one of those, like, lowboy dumpsters, fill it up, form it up, put down, you know, some rebar or some screen, and pour another slab. Or if what's there is sort of good enough to work as a sort of substrate, you can pour something over it. They have lightweight stuff. They have colored stuff. They have stuff you can stamp. There's all kinds of businesses. It's not that thick. It'll add about an inch and a half or so to the overall height of the thing. They'll clean it real good. They'll scuff it up and they'll do it. But it's probably. It's kind of. Kind of not a home home. It's not a homeowner type product kind of thing that you'd probably farm out. They'll charge you per square foot. They have stuff that looks pretty good. They can stamp it, they can color it. There's a bunch of companies that do it. Awesome. All right, Harry, you sound over the moon about it to Nick there. That I like the old fancy, fancy pan shredder basket. I think I might get me.

[Nick Offerman]

One. Oh, thank you. That's. That's one of my finer.

[Adam Carolla]

Products. Thank you, Harry. C word. Somebody's got a question about indoor.

[Nick Offerman]

Materials. I never would have spotted.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Harry Seward. Yeah, I made it up. That's why. That's why. That's the only way I was able to spot it. I was so delighted with myself when I came up with Harry Seward. Very good. Arizona airport at.

[Nick Offerman]

Age. It's a modern day. Like a modern day Noel.

[Adam Carolla]

Coward. Yeah, that's what I. I was thinking more Will Rogers, but yeah. Hey, oh, what name is that? Tharia. The area. Hey, what's your name? Oh, what's happening? Taria, I'm so nervous to talk to you. I would like to hook up a tank with water heater. Yeah, every time I call somebody to get an estimate on how much to do it, they over the phone, just tell me about 2500 bucks. And yeah, it's got to be easier than that. But. Well, okay, here, here's the thing. You have an existing water heater that has a tank, right? Correct. Gas. It's gas. So you should go gas because you have gas running to your existing. Okay, so. Meaning if anyone who wants to go tankless needs to realize that they're going to base their gas versus electric versus based on what's existing. So if you have an electric water heater right now, then stay with the electric because it's probably going to be a bitch. Or run a gas line over there. But if you already have the gas line there, then by all means, use the gas line. It's really not that hard to hook up, especially for a lesbian from the Bay area. Yeah. So you shouldn't have any problems. I mean, I'm sure you already have like an acetylene torch and you know how to sweat pipes, right? I used to do mufflers in my teens. All right, so you know your way around a torch? Yeah, yeah. Are you a lesbian? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah. I can hear your.

[Nick Offerman]

Voice. Just blow out the. The scented candle before.

[Adam Carolla]

You. That's right before you fire up that acetylene torch. All right, so you definitely know how to handle. You know how to handle a torch, right? Correct. Sweating pipes is really easy. Do you know how to do that? No. Here's how you sweat a copper pipe. You can get. You go to Home Depot and get any kind of fitting under the sun. Reducers, sleeves, 90s 45s. I mean, you can get. It's cheap, it's easy, and it'll fit together like a glove. So all that is just basic and the tools are real easy. So you cut it. You can cut the, you can cut the copper pipe with a, a copper pipe cutter, which is this weird C shaped clamp that goes over it that has a little blade on it. And, and as you tighten this one knob and turn it around, the thing you keep tightening and turning. It's sort of like, you know that little device you use to get the foil off the top of your wine bottle? It's kind of. No, but I know what I. Well, I know you drink out of a box, but when you go out with your lady friend for an anniversary. Right. Okay. The point is this. It's real easy. You go to Home Depot and for about 25 bucks, you get all the tools you need. You get the wire bottle brush for inside the fitting. Here's the thing. Fittings need to be super clean. You take a wire brush and you just go right inside of them. Then you'll get another piece of like emery cloth and you'll clean the female and male side out. Now don't just focus on the female side. Okay. All right. You clean both sides. And then you put flux. You buy the flux, you just paint the flux on, you put it together and you start heating it with the torch. Get one of those torches, a little button flint starter on it. It'll spark and fire right up, no problem. Put the heat source kind of where you want the solder to go because the solder will move toward the heat. So you put the thing toward the back or underneath it and put the solder on the top and it'll draw to it. If you're really good, you want to do clean work. When you're done, you'll take a wet rag and wipe it down once real quick so it kind of smooths it out. You don't get the dog nuts and the nuggets and stuff on it, but you can hook it right up to your, to your tankless water heater. You can hook the vent up to the same place that your tank water heater goes to. You can have an inside and an outside with the water and hook the gas up to it with a flex line and use some Teflon tape on that flex line or some plumbers dope on that. It's like when you do the gas line, it's like a weird thing that you paint on and it's kind of gritty, but anyway, you can get it all at the Home Depot and you can do it all yourself. Excellent. And is there a basement? Is it a cement wall? Is it a wood wall? Where's it going? It's going in the basement. And yeah, there's a little bit of a cement like wall, the foundation, but it's about three feet of, maybe four feet of wood. Well, hang it on the wood if you can. And if you got to go onto the cement, use these blue screws called tapcons. You'll buy the screw and the bit will come with it. It's all really straightforward and it's totally doable. Okay. So it is just a matter of disconnecting the old one and bringing the copper lines over to the new one. It's literally like you're doing an organ transplant. Just take out the old one, hook up the vent, hook up the hot and the cold, hook up the gas source and it's right there and the power source and you're there. You're literally just swapping, popping it out. And when the house catches on fire, don't tell them we had this conversation. No, I promise not to. Power source. Question it. So it does have to go to the electric somewhere. Yeah, I do believe it's going to need to plug in at some point. And your gas heater should need to do that. Oh, no, the gas heater doesn't do that. So you are going to. I think you're going to have to get a power source down there. Yes, that is the one thing, thing that will be missing. But hell, just get a thick gauge 25 foot extension cord and run it from somewhere else. Remember the, the shorter the run of the extension cord and the thicker the gauge, the better. So I could just basically disconnect my air compressor and run the cord over to that. Oh, you are a lesbian. Yeah. And don't forget to drain the water out of that compressor. You don't want to it sit and rot the tank, baby. Oh, no, I always leave it open when it's not being used. All right, so the things, I don't know, 400 bucks at the Home Depot, 500 bucks at the Home Depot and you hook it up.

[Marc Maron]

Yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome. All right, thank you, Adam. Thanks, baby. Take care. All right. Tankless water heater. You and Megan have one of those at the.

[Nick Offerman]

Pad? Not yet. We. We're still working on the tankless water.

[Adam Carolla]

Heater. Where do you live in New York.

[Nick Offerman]

Louisiana. We live here in la. We live in the hills over above West.

[Adam Carolla]

Hollywood. Where does Parks and Recreation.

[Nick Offerman]

Shoot? CBS.

[Adam Carolla]

Ranford. Oh, really? Yeah, you're right in.

[Nick Offerman]

Town.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Nick Offerman]

Nice. It's really nice. It's also where Will and Grace Shot. So it's that. That lot has been very good.

[Adam Carolla]

To our household, I think, by the way, as I remember walking around CBS radford, passing stage 17 or something and seeing a Will and Grace plaque like on it there.

[Nick Offerman]

Is. It's funny, it says, it has the dates of the show, which is like 98 to 2006 or something. And it says eight. Eight seasons of the love that dared not speak its.

[Adam Carolla]

Name. Yeah, right. On the outside of which stage is.

[Nick Offerman]

That? You know, 17, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Believe. Are you shitting me? I don't know my kid's middle name and I remember.

[Nick Offerman]

That.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What the.

[Nick Offerman]

Fuck? Nice work. And it. That was also the Newhart show. Was it in that stage? It's. There's such crazy history on that lot. Gilligan's island was. Was.

[Marc Maron]

There?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It is insane in it. And I guess it just keeps going too, because they don't seem to be going anywhere. So you shoot. Oh, my CBS pilot was on the same stage as Will and Grace. Well, that's probably why I.

[Nick Offerman]

Knew. There you.

[Adam Carolla]

Go. Where it was. Didn't have quite the. We didn't have quite the mojo going that they had, but. So you just go down the hill and shoot here in.

[Nick Offerman]

Town.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And how's your. Do you have it. Do you have a cool garage at home filled with lots of stuff? No.

[Nick Offerman]

Our. Our house. We have a beautiful architectural house, but it was designed and built by an elderly gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Guy. Thank you. And that's the one thing they don't do, the garages.

[Nick Offerman]

There's. There's literally two outlets in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Garage.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. There's no room for anything. No 220, but a couple.

[Adam Carolla]

Cars.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. But it's been. It's worked out great that I've had this furniture shop because I have my own. You know, just like your garage.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's where you have your safe place to.

[Nick Offerman]

Go. Where I can make a mess.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, escape from the.

[Nick Offerman]

World. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Women have a bathtub. You have a furniture shop. A furniture shop somewhere in.

[Nick Offerman]

Town. It is. It's just south of.

[Adam Carolla]

Glendale. And is it like. Did you buy the.

[Nick Offerman]

Building? No, I rent an old warehouse space. There's a couple sculptors around me. So it's a little kind of artists.

[Adam Carolla]

Enclave. And they're round like, you can go, hey, what do you think about.

[Nick Offerman]

This? Yeah, it's a great little community where it's like, hey, help me lift up this 500 pound slab of.

[Adam Carolla]

Walnut. You like the zebra wood or the purple heart for this.

[Nick Offerman]

One? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. Wow. I love that story. Let's try another home improvement.

[Marc Maron]

Questions. What we.

[Adam Carolla]

Get. Let's talk to you. Wait a. What. What happened to line four? Did they fall off? Oh, man. Everyone's gonna hit. Laughter Caller? Yes. What's your name? Mike. Mike, you have a question for me or Nick Offerman? I do. For you, the home improvement question. All right, well, Nick will join in as well. All right, I have a carpet in my living room, and I want to pull out the carpet and there's hardwood floors underneath. What would I need to do to refinish that? Well, a lot of people do that. It's a good thought. Pull up all the carpet. The real problem is the tackless strip, which will run along the perimeter of the carpet, which is. It's ironic that it's called tackless strip because you can't get more tacks into one.

[Nick Offerman]

Strip. That's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Porcupine. Yeah, it's. It's really what the CHP should be using to stop guys that are trying to outrun them. It's called a tackless strip, I'm guessing because it replaced carpet tacks. Right. But it has a million and one tax. And be careful popping that stuff off because you will put a hole in your.

[Nick Offerman]

Finger. And you can also pull out a chunk of your hardwood floor. So take your time and coax it.

[Adam Carolla]

Up. Yeah. Now it'll have just a few of the tacks facing downward, some brad nails holding it down to your oak tng floor, and you'll pop that out. The thing will end up breaking up and coming off in pieces or whatever. But take all the tackless strip off and do it in such a way that minimizes the damage. Okay. Then what you're going to need to do is fill the holes left behind the tackless that the tackless strip left behind, and then the process works this way. You would, if you want to do it yourself, you would rent a drum sander, and there's a few different versions of this and newer versions of this, but you go to a place that rents tools and you'd rent the drum.

[Nick Offerman]

Sander. Some Home Depots have.

[Adam Carolla]

That. Yeah, Home Depots, places like that. And then you would rent a edger because the drum sander is only going to get three or four inches from the edge. And this edger sanders more of a disc type sander. And you would. You would use that around the perimeter. Now the problem is, is you can do damage with these things. You can definitely gouge things. You have to.

[Nick Offerman]

Have. You can dig a.

[Adam Carolla]

Hole. You can dig a Hole quickly. And you can make some serious swirl marks with that edger. So you need a light touch. Now, I don't know what kind of shape the floor's in. If it's in decent shape, you can just get a random orbital stander. Start with some 80 grit and just literally pass it over the whole thing just to scuff it up nicely enough. But if you're going to restain it, you got to get it down to the bare wood, see what kind of shape it's in. And here's an interesting thing that I've done in a few of my houses, and I recommend it highly. Painting the floor. Now, bear with me. Sometimes you have animal stains, pet stains. You know, it's bleached out. I mean, some of those hardwood floors, it doesn't matter how much sanding and how much minwax you try to rub into them. You can tell where it's fucked.

[Nick Offerman]

Up. Crime scene, crime.

[Adam Carolla]

Residue. Right? Guy killed himself with a 12 gauge, and it's never coming out of the floor. Painting the floor looks awesome. And after. And you don't have to do nearly as much prep, you just scuff the whole thing, clean it with some cheesecloth, fill the holes, blah, blah, blah. Make sure it's real good, Paint it with some floor paint, and then go over it with a couple of coats of the, you know, gym floor stuff. And it looks deep, it looks rich, it looks cool. You can do a border with a different color. You can do all kinds of cool, and it ends up actually looking cooler than just the, you know, dark oak or the cherry maple or whatever the hell you're putting on there. Are you digging my vibe, Mike? I am. I am. Thank you very much.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. One tip, Mike. If you have a brother, you run the drum sander and have your brother run the.

[Adam Carolla]

Edger.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. That way he's liable, and he's gonna be down on his knees all the.

[Adam Carolla]

Time. Mike, I really. If it gets to the point where you're going for the full drum and the full edge, I think you probably ought to call in the pros. I think I'm. I think I'll just paint it. I've heard you talk about that before. So let me give you one quick painting tip. And. And. And I know everyone tunes me out when I talk, but please listen to this. Okay? I did it at my house, and I'm. And I did it my kitchen floor, which is a clear. It's a clear fir. Clear Doug fir tng. And I also did it on my entry hall floor or side hall floor, which is a tng oak. It worked perfectly on both. Both ways. I did a border both ways. I painted one, just a very light sort of art deco green, and then did this sort of ox blood sort of mahogany border. But when I pulled the tape off, I left about a 6 inch border. And I just went around everything. If the wall came out 6 inches, 6 inches, 6 inches all the way around. When I pulled the tape off, I had a very sharp looking line, and it didn't quite look right. It's kind of like when you're doing a custom car and you go from one color to the next. It's just a sharp line. And I got a pinstriper to come in with this sort of neutral kind of burnt umber color and do like a quarter inch freehanded pinstripe all along where the border met the body color. And it just knocked it down. It just soothed it immediately. Then I went over it with two coats of varathane, and it looked perfect. So get somebody who does scenic painting or faux painting, or get your wife or somebody who has a steady hand and try that border. It's awesome. But you have to break that border with a pinstripe. Right on. All right, bye. Hey, look forward to seeing you in Seattle. Good times. We're coming there soon. All right. Thank you. Thanks, buddy. But he has no intention of doing that.

[Nick Offerman]

Border. No, he will not do the.

[Adam Carolla]

Border. His border will not even be in action. He's running for the border to avoid doing that.

[Nick Offerman]

Border.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. The floor painting, man, it looks amazing. And when you paint the floor and you just paint it with floor paint, it doesn't look great. When you put a couple of coats of varathane on it, all of a sudden it gets that dab depth and it looks.

[Nick Offerman]

Awesome. A couple coats of varathane will cure a lot of ills, I'll tell.

[Adam Carolla]

You. You put it on a ham sandwich that came from a vending machine, and all of a sudden it looks like the best thing you've ever seen in a deli picture. Yeah. All of a sudden you're a Quiznos, my friend. Buying your sandwich from a vending machine really means things aren't working.

[Nick Offerman]

Out.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You can buy M M's, you buy a Pepsi, but when you're getting your.

[Nick Offerman]

Sandwiches. Turkey sandwich. If you're. If you're buying that sandwich, then you're the one that needs to hear, don't put a paddle bit in your.

[Adam Carolla]

Router. Yes. The idea. And by the way, I Don't mind these sack of peanut M M's making the four foot drop to the tray at the bottom. I don't like when the ham sandwich makes the fall. I don't like a bruised or dented ham sandwich and somebody's got a work out, a flume or shoot or something. I don't like the thing where it just pushes your food off the edge and it drops. I mean, like, what if you just went to Carl's junior And the guy went, yeah, I got your happy star here. And he held it out and he went, oh, thanks. He just dropped it on the.

[Nick Offerman]

Ground. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

Traumatic. Yeah, I don't need that. I need my sandwich going through that before I consume it. They shouldn't put the sandwiches on the top shelf. That's.

[Nick Offerman]

The. That's the.

[Adam Carolla]

Ticket. Yeah, the ticket. There has to be some sort of order to vending machines that throw shit off the ledge where they put the stuff that can't be damaged like a Twinkie or Snowball at the top and then put like the Faberge eggs toward the bottom. I don't know if you buy fine Russian art from vending.

[Nick Offerman]

Machines. I get caviar from. From vending.

[Adam Carolla]

Machines. Oh, wow. You know, you've arrived. Yeah. You know, I can't say that I miss them as a society, but I sort of visually miss the cigarette.

[Nick Offerman]

Machines. Yeah, yeah, that was definitely a time and.

[Adam Carolla]

Place. I like seeing all the different brands. And then I also liked it when they would have them at a club and they would charge $9 and the guy would have to sit there for 40 minutes feeding quarters into the thing to get a pack of extra lights. I was like, feed, feed, feed, feed. Eventually someone run out of quarters after you got to the $8 mark, you'd have to go back in and ask the guy a change for 20 and feed, feed.

[Nick Offerman]

Feed. That's the nefarious thing about tobacco, though. I was a smoker for a long time and it could have been $30. And you were like, okay, well.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S either that or throw a chair through the glass and just grab your Marlboros and go running out like a maniac.

[Marc Maron]

Right?

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. That's cheaper than like calling a cab and convincing the guy to go buy you some cigarettes. A 7.

[Adam Carolla]

11. All right, well, where's the time gone, Nick? Beside the toss out the kayak website, by the way, for people to see you building that kayak one more.

[Nick Offerman]

Time. It's a canoe building DVD. Sorry, [e-mail] is a.

[Adam Carolla]

Kayak. A one man closed.

[Marc Maron]

Canoe.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. I mean, technically a kayak is a closed boat and a canoe is an open, open.

[Adam Carolla]

Boat.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. You know, a kayak can go in much bigger water because the waves or the wake will roll across the.

[Adam Carolla]

Boat.

[Nick Offerman]

Right. Whereas it would swamp a.

[Adam Carolla]

Canoe. But yet I find a canoe much more social form of transportation. It is kayak. That's for the lone.

[Nick Offerman]

Wolf. It.

[Adam Carolla]

Is.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. The kayak is more of like the cross country.

[Adam Carolla]

Runner.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. A canoe, you can take two or three people and a cooler full of beer.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. Kayak is more the serious guy who's got a mountain bike and he's doing his own thing and he's.

[Nick Offerman]

Fabulous. He's out communing with like a.

[Adam Carolla]

Manatee. Right? Yeah. He's trying to get to know a humpback. Whereas the canoes, like, look, I just want to catch a buzz and maybe a trout.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. I just want to check out some.

[Adam Carolla]

Leaves. Nick Offerman from Parks and Recreation, NBC, Thursday nights, 8 32nd big season. And Nick, come by and talk building.

[Nick Offerman]

Anytime. I would love to. Thank you. And I for. For your listeners. Somebody. Somebody mentioned this question on my way in. My mustache is indeed fully.

[Adam Carolla]

Real. Oh.

[Nick Offerman]

Yeah. And full effect pork and corn.

[Adam Carolla]

Fed. Yeah, it looks awesome. Nick Offerman and I like to come by and check out your shop one of these.

[Nick Offerman]

Days. That would be.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome. It's right down the road in the neighborhood. Neighborhood. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Nick Offerman saying.

[Nick Offerman]

Mahalo.

[Podcast Narrator/Producer]

Adios. All right, that was adam Karla show 311 from 2010. That does it for Ace Coral Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for a whole new installment. Until then, mahalo. And get it.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Marc Maron]

Saving.

[Adam Carolla]

Shh. They're here now. Hey. Never.