Michael Madsen + Dana Gould (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics: Michael Madsen + Dana Gould

Release Date: July 12, 2025
Hosts: Adam Carolla, Allison Rosen, Dana Gould, Bald Brian
Guests: Michael Madsen, Christian Madsen

---

1. Introduction and Listener Requests [01:15 – 02:28]

The episode kicks off with Giovanni introducing Carolla Classics, a segment dedicated to replaying memorable moments from the past 16 years of "The Adam Carolla Show." He highlights a special listener request for the classic episode 835, which originally featured Dana Gould, Brian Bishop, and Allison Rosen.

Giovanni: "I've been a long time listener of ACS about eight years. Y' all have opened my ears and eyes to many comedians. My favorite besides Adam thanks to the ACS pod is Dana Gould."

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2. Dana Gould on Relationships and Communication [02:28 – 10:22]

The conversation delves into Dana Gould's insights on relationships, particularly focusing on the perennial complaint from women that men aren't good listeners. Dana humorously critiques the stereotypical portrayal of men trying to appear interested, likening it to animals that don't need to "try to fly."

Dana Gould [05:33]: "He reminds me of the guy in Kill Bill 2 that cut the girl's lip right at the end. What is wrong?"

Allison shares a personal anecdote about writing cryptic notes to herself while multitasking, reflecting on how lackluster topics can lead to disengagement in conversations.

Allison Rosen [07:48]: "Maybe if the stories get a little more interesting, our ears would perk up."

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3. The Concept of "Quirkity" in Film [10:22 – 18:27]

The hosts introduce and debate the term "quirkity," coined by Allison Rosen, to describe movies that rely on odd or quirky elements without substantial storytelling. They compare it to genuine dark comedies and discuss filmmakers like Tim Burton and John Waters, who seamlessly blend quirkiness with engaging narratives.

Dana Gould [16:28]: "Tim Burton made Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, and Edward Scissorhands. All funny, all touching, all great."

Allison emphasizes that quirkity can work when integrated effectively but falls short when lacking depth.

Allison Rosen [18:11]: "Let's examine quirkity a reeking ball of fetid genius."

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4. Huell Howser Classic Clips [28:28 – 47:30]

A nostalgic segment featuring clips from Huell Howser's shows in Old Pasadena. The hosts humorously portray Huell as a quirky character obsessed with rock collections, navigating mundane scenarios with eccentric behavior. Michael Madsen and Christian Madsen join to discuss these classic moments, adding their own comedic flair.

Allison Rosen [32:14]: "Huell, that's a great mixer. You can mix about a thousand pounds... It's amazing how he turns everyday activities into something fascinating."

Dana Gould comments on the absurdity of some segments, likening them to the unpredictable nature of King Kong.

Dana Gould [30:00]: "And really, he's thinking, must I. Must I talk and walk?"

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5. Bullying and Self-Esteem [63:04 – 77:00]

The discussion shifts to the topic of bullying, challenging the traditional notion that bullies have low self-esteem. Dana cites a study from Melbourne suggesting bullies may, in fact, possess excessively high self-esteem, offering a fresh perspective on aggressive behavior.

Dana Gould [63:04]: "A researcher from Melbourne says, no, no, bullies have excessively high self-esteem. Which when you think about it, makes so much more sense."

Allison and Adam share personal experiences related to bullying, underscoring the complexity of the issue and its impact on individuals' lives.

Allison Rosen [75:04]: "Everyone tells us stories, which I never believe, which is like, every day I got beat up after high school."

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6. Personal Anecdotes and Relationships [77:00 – 131:43]

The hosts engage in light-hearted yet candid conversations about past relationships, personal struggles, and family dynamics. Allison Rosen recounts a frustrating experience trying to appear on Joel McHale's show, highlighting the challenges of navigating media appearances.

Allison Rosen [84:01]: "We did horrible things to one another. We'd beat the shit out of each other and humiliate each other."

Michael Madsen shares stories about his interactions with co-stars and the entertainment industry's dynamics, adding depth to the discussion on personal growth and reinvention.

Michael Madsen [123:00]: "My career is like a cardiogram. You have to keep reinventing yourself."

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7. News Highlights and Social Commentary [131:38 – 176:00]

In a blend of humor and critique, the hosts address contemporary issues such as political missteps, government inefficiencies, and societal expectations. Adam points out the misallocation of funds in California's special license plate program, while Allison lambasts bureaucratic waste and highlights the necessity of parental involvement in children's lives.

Adam Carolla [162:00]: "They gave the livestock diseases and workplace safety. And also the California DMV, who takes in still about 1.5 million annually on these plates, has been advertising the plates as helping the children of 911 victims, even though the state stopped funding that program seven years ago."

Allison fervently advocates for hands-on parenting to combat societal shortcomings, using vivid metaphors to illustrate her points.

Allison Rosen [172:07]: "If your kid's fat, it's the parents. If your kid's not showing up at school, it's your parents. Come on, parents, wake up."

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8. Advertising Parodies and Humor Segments [Various Timestamps]

Throughout the episode, the hosts intersperse comedic advertisements, parodying conventional ad segments. These humorous plugs serve as a satirical take on marketing strategies, adding levity to the episode.

Allison Rosen [175:42]: "This is the Adam Carolla show special. Just click on the man. Great [e-mail] as seen on TV."

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9. Tribute to Michael Madsen [195:53]

Towards the end, Giovanni honors the passing of Michael Madsen, emphasizing his contributions and the significance of his appearance in episode 836. The segment underscores the camaraderie and lasting memories shared among the show's community.

Giovanni: "In light of Michael's recent passing, it felt important to play this episode. It's really good. He's hilarious."

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Conclusion

The episode seamlessly blends nostalgia with present-day commentary, offering listeners a mix of classic moments and fresh insights. Through engaging dialogues, personal stories, and sharp humor, "Carolla Classics" continues to entertain and provoke thought among its dedicated audience.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dana Gould [05:33]: "He reminds me of the guy in Kill Bill 2 that cut the girl's lip right at the end. What is wrong?"
• Allison Rosen [18:11]: "Let's examine quirkity a reeking ball of fetid genius."
• Adam Carolla [162:00]: "They gave the livestock diseases and workplace safety."
• Allison Rosen [172:07]: "If your kid's fat, it's the parents. If your kid's not showing up at school, it's your parents. Come on, parents, wake up."

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This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of the "Adam Carolla Show" episode featuring Michael Madsen and Dana Gould, highlighting key discussions, humorous exchanges, and insightful commentary that define the show's unique charm.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Giovanni]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years the Adam Carolla Show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Cruel Classics. It's a premium only podcast available through Podcast one. You can find the ad free archives for every single episode. And if you'd like to find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show as well as access to the brand new podcast Peted out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip Please email us classicsdamcroller.com let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Kroller show 835 with Dana Gould, Brian Bishop and Allison Rosen. Now this episode actually contains a listener request that goes back many years. Gio and Lax Aman Aw sad. I've been a long time listener of ACS about eight years. Y' all have opened my ears and eyes to many comedians. My favorite besides Adam thanks to the ACS pod is Dana Gould. Could I request the Dana's Heel Howser dropping mine and Bald Brian's most requested drop. Not gonna say it for sake of spoiling for the show. Thanks big fan Mark Randy and Stone Kidman alright, finally played. It's taken several years and we finally found the episode the one you want. And there's another one they requested that we may play in several more years or sooner or sooner.

[Alison Rosen]

Welcome to the show Good day, Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Alison Rosen]

Good day, Baldbrine. I have a thing for dudes. And welcome Dana Gould.

[Dana Gould]

Hi.

[Alison Rosen]

Always a delight to see Dana Gould.

[Dana Gould]

First time in the new digs. Not a big oral audio appreciation, but the people should know. It's pretty groovy in here.

[Alison Rosen]

It's nice. Yeah, we're working away. We're sort of half done. We're seven eighths done. We just have to finish some of our wall stuff, but get it all plumb getting, getting the automatic, getting the console and everything all work together. And then I'm getting my race car ready and I'm going out this weekend to Sonoma to do some racing. Always exciting, always a little last minute and always kind of fun. So look forward to that uptown theater. By the way, Napa is where I'll be playing Saturday night, June 2nd. And then I'll be on the track during the day. Dana Gould. Saturday, June 2nd, the Triple Door in Seattle. Tickets available at TheTrippledoor.net and of course the podcast Dana Gouldauer available on itunes. Always good to see you, Dana Gould. I made a weird little cryptic note to myself and I skip rope. I watch TV with the sound down because I listen to music and my earbuds, but I have to have something for my eyes to do while my understand completely are busy. And I just wrote most. And then int. Int. And then I wrote man. And then I wrote hot chicks who listen. And then I wrote and I realized I didn't know what it meant for a long time. Then I realized if you watch those most interesting man commercials, there's two hot chicks that are intently listening to him talking to nobody. And I thought first off, hot chicks never have that look on their face. You're like, tell me more. Talk more to the fourth wall guy with gray pubes. Yes. And I'm wildly interested in like there's the Brunelied Graybeard. Yes, yes. I'm so fascinated by the words. Wait a minute, he's talking about his consumption of alcohol again. Quiet. Now let me get this straight. You don't always drink beer? Sometimes by mistake, like you'll take a little pool water in or something if you do a half gainer. But other than that it's beer. But when you do drink beer, it's those sick and those chicks. And it's funny because their idea and that picture looks like it's from the 70s. The idea is in the commercial, there's no dude in there. There's just him and there's the chick that looks like Trump's wife, but about 20 years younger. And the whole notion is to look very interesting. Don't move so much that you'll draw focus, but definitely look like you're a nice big sponge taking in all the wisdom the old guy whose sword fights has to say.

[Dana Gould]

And he is carrying himself and appearing as if the kindly old porn producer. I can get you out of fluffing into gang bangs.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right.

[Dana Gould]

Give me six weeks.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, now, please.

[Dana Gould]

Your father would be more sorry than any father ever has been.

[Alison Rosen]

Take the business end of this cigar. Yes, it is lit.

[Dana Gould]

He reminds me of the guy in Kill Bill 2 that cut the girl's lip right at the end. What is wrong?

[Alison Rosen]

I just like. I just like the idea that hot chicks are going to sit there and listen to what the old codger has to say about beer.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think their direction was? Look interested.

[Dana Gould]

Pretend he's asking you a question about you.

[Alison Rosen]

I know they did too much at the beginning. Get rid of this picture we're looking at. It's driving me nuts. I don't know why. At the beginning, I'm sure there was, like, frantic head nodding because it's the first thing dumb people do when they act is do way too much head movement and eye movement. Sometimes you'll see it in the background of a sitcom where the Fresh Prince will hear people. Yeah. You'll see somebody doing the way too much with their eyes, kind of. Or the waiter, like, shaking their head when Jack Tripper says, take this back. You know, it's like, oh, you know, they always, like.

[Dana Gould]

They're like, nodding. Nodding and writing. Nodding and simultaneous nodding and writing.

[Alison Rosen]

I will not. I do not have dialogue, But I will figure out a way to steal focus. I just felt. I don't know why, but I just thought, hot chicks. Hot chicks, they just don't do that much listening and that much absorption when it comes to older dudes talking, it's not their fault.

[Dana Gould]

They don't have to. Yeah. It's like lizards don't ever try to fly.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

They don't have to.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

They don't have to do it.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. No one calls them on it. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

They change color.

[Alison Rosen]

I know. Also, I thought, too, I was listening to a radio program today and, you know, terrestrial radio program. Terrestrial radio program. That's right. I built a time machine and went back to the 40s, and I was listening to a terrestrial radio program. And the number one complaint with women, like, they go, there's one thing you could change about your husband. And it's always the same answer. I wish he'd listen. He's not a good listener. And there's a lot of, yeah, I gotta be better at listening. And then there's a lot of, yeah, he's not a good listener, and he needs to listen. And then I thought, wait a minute. Maybe if you guys were talking about something interesting, we would perk up just a little bit. Because I don't feel like I'm a bad listener in general. But I will tune out depending on what I'm listening to. You know, it always gets thrown on the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Do you think there's a program where the guys say, then their number one concern is that they. She's not interesting enough.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Too many fucking boring stories about people they work with that we don't give a shit about.

[Dana Gould]

Too many questions about whether or not I like your handbag.

[Alison Rosen]

Right. That's what I'm saying. Like, look, let's just take. Let's look at it this way. We've all seen movies that have borne the shit out. Like, we love movies. You love movies. We all love movies. But we've seen movies that we've been bored with, and we've. Educational film strips we've tuned out of.

[Dana Gould]

I'll pull. I'll pull the title out of the air. Dark Shadows.

[Alison Rosen]

Dark Shadows. Didn't see it, but I'm sure I would nod off watching that movie so the producers of that movie couldn't look at me and go, well, look at him. He doesn't like movies. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They'd go, he doesn't know how to watch.

[Alison Rosen]

I throw it back at him and go, what's wrong with your movie?

[Dana Gould]

This has come up with my wife.

[Alison Rosen]

At the edge of my seat when I saw Saving Private Ryan. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

There's another aspect of it, too, because this has come up with my wife and I when we've had conversations with somebody who we were paying to listen to us while we sat on a couch and they sat on a chair, and it wasn't in the office of an auto body. He doesn't listen. No. There's this weird thing that women do. I'm gonna tell men. You tell me a problem, what's my response? How do I fix this problem?

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

You know, my butt.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's so Martian.

[Dana Gould]

And then they just. Right. No, just listen to me.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

Why? It's like, if I can't fix it, I'm gonna want to feel in front of you. I'm gonna put some food in front of you. Don't Eat it.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Just look at it and appreciate it.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. When Brian Regan is talking, you're all ears. Yes. But.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, I'm not gonna just. I have this terrible problem with my car. It won't start. Well, let me fix it. Just listen to me.

[Alison Rosen]

No, let me fix the problem, because if I fix it, you'll shut up. My. What I do is I physically start fixing it. Like, I start heading for the garage, which means I've cut them off. Crucial part about what happened to their car and why it won't work and how it's making them feel about themselves in their car.

[Dana Gould]

But what I have learned is you have to lie every day.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Dana Gould]

You have to look. There is rarely a day I don't look my wife in the eye and lie outright. That is really interesting.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Dana Gould]

And nothing.

[Alison Rosen]

This is.

[Dana Gould]

That's really. That's amazing.

[Alison Rosen]

This is the R version.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you nod too much while you're doing it?

[Dana Gould]

No, I'm good. I'm good. I was, you know.

[Alison Rosen]

No, he's trained.

[Dana Gould]

I studied with Roy London.

[Alison Rosen]

I can just. This is.

[Dana Gould]

Meet her eyes and. Really? Andrea's boss said that this is Cheryl's daughter, works in that new building.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's good.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, that's good. This is our. What? This is our version of the hot chick who sits next to the most interesting man in the world. Just. Wow. Tell me more. What do we got here?

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, you'd never know those were glass. It really looks like diamond, right?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, see, there you go.

[Dana Gould]

If you lie, basically. Well, this allows you to get to the part of the day where you're allowed to sleep again.

[Alison Rosen]

I'm just saying, ladies, you know, number one concern, number one complaint, number one gripe, man. Not listening. How about the stories get a little more interesting? Maybe our ears would perk up.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you not like that when we do that thing where we put the point like 10 minutes into the story and just make it sort of ramble and go nowhere for the first 10 minutes?

[Alison Rosen]

Well, I like that part where you're doing the. So, well, then what happened? Hold on, hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm getting to it.

[Alison Rosen]

Hold on now. You know there's a difference between New York cheesecake and like LA cheesecake.

[Adam Carolla]

So then she said. And then I said, no, wait. But then I was off, right?

[Alison Rosen]

It's going in your mouth, right?

[Bald Brian]

You guys ever make the mistake of trying to keep up the conversation and you're like, uh huh? And then Sheila said that to you. It's like, no, Shirley said that.

[Alison Rosen]

Listen.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, listen. You're punished for interjecting.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, don't.

[Bald Brian]

You can't make your interjections too specific because you get Shirley, Sheila, and like.

[Dana Gould]

In chick movies, if you watch.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not the same person.

[Alison Rosen]

Come on.

[Dana Gould]

If you're watching a movie made for women that your wife is. That you have to. Because you want to be in the room with your wife or you go out and there's that. I don't know her name, but it's all of those. It's always women with a problem. They have beautiful kitchens and it's just porn. It's interior design porn.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

The movie is really about Diane Keaton going into a kitchen with a big glass bowl of green apples.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. It's like Nora Ephron's Whatever sister. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Brought to you by Ethan Allen.

[Alison Rosen]

Should be called Islands and Double Six. Yes. And they go in there and there's like cutting boards and they're talking to their sister and they're chopping.

[Dana Gould]

Alec Baldwin is wearing a suede jacket. Steve Martin is in over pressed pants.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

And there's one movie.

[Adam Carolla]

They have an overstuffed couch.

[Dana Gould]

There's one movie where Steve Martin and Meryl Streep are in her kitchen. And he has this line, this lavender ice cream is amazing.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

And it was like. I. It's like it was like watching Kennedy's head blow up. It's like, that's the moment you died for me.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Dana Gould]

I'll forgive Bilco.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Dana Gould]

But this lavender ice cream is. You're now dead to me.

[Alison Rosen]

He called me during the shooting of that movie, actually, and told me he was miserable, if anyone wants to know. Is that true? Yes, he did.

[Dana Gould]

That's fantastic.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, he's back to life.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes. He's back to life. Yeah. That was. Oh, Something's got a. Something's got a change. Something's got to give or something like that.

[Dana Gould]

And the hilarious comedy, like, you know, sometimes you land on a comedy idea and you think, holy shit, this is gonna blow the doors off. They smoke pot and they go to a party and they're. They're really hungry.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Oh, so they eat everything. Oh, my. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see that one coming.

[Dana Gould]

And then you just watch and you think of all the times, you know, not like that. I've gotten notes on scripts for that studio. And you're like, okay, never again. Yeah, never again. Dark Shadows. Never again.

[Alison Rosen]

What happened with Dark Shadows? Did you work on that? Did they call you in to punch it up?

[Dana Gould]

No, no. I was a fan of the Show.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes. I remember it as a kid. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

And I went to the movie and, you know, I. I love Tim Burton when he's making a movie that he can make, which is, I think, three of his 40 movies.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

They're amazing.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

And then if he's not interested in it, he does this thing, this. I've actually broken it down because it perplexed me so much. If he's making a movie he's really not into, he doesn't have the balls to just tell the story.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

So he kind of makes it as kind of a comedy, but he doesn't have the balls to call the movie a comedy.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Dana Gould]

So he doesn't really work on the comedy. He just kind of makes fun of his own movie while he's making it, and it comes out a ball of shit.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Dana Gould]

Mars Attacks, Dark Shadows, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Planet of the apes. They're just $200 million balls of nothing, I find.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay, there's a couple things. There's a lot of folks that don't want to say I'm doing comedy, because if you say I'm doing comedy, then you get judged. Right. So it's sort of like a best man speech. Everyone tries to be funny during a best man speech, but if it was called Stand up, they would be judged differently.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Alison Rosen]

And there wouldn't be the reaction. So it's the greatest moment you can be in is going, I'm gonna say a couple words about Rick before he ties the knot or after he ties the knot. And it's funny, but it's not judged as funny. Yeah. John Waters does that. He does movies that aren't really funny, but they're not comedies. They're quirkities or something. And then we all judge. We all go, oh, isn't he clever? But really, he's not clever. He's just quirky. If you're funny, you actually will act funny, but if you're not, then you get quirky and kitschy and you hide behind kitschy and quirky.

[Adam Carolla]

And Anderson's like that, too.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, yes. There's a lot of guys who go. Because when you just go out and you go, I watch, for instance, and I like the guy mainly because he could beat me up. But Henry Rollins. If you watch Henry Rollins do spoken.

[Dana Gould]

Word, by the way, there are buildings that have the same opinion of Henry Rollins. I like him, but he can beat me.

[Alison Rosen]

Right? The Trestle Bridges. So you watch Henry Rollins do spoken word. It's stand up, it's stories with jokes. At the end, there's almost always a joke and. But it's great because it doesn't get viewed under the same microscope as when Dana Gould does stand up. Dana Gould can't talk for five minutes without a punchline because he's doing stand up. So it's sort of having your cake and eating it too. You go, I'm not doing stand up. I'm doing spoken word. I'm not doing a comedy. I'm doing this quirky, kitschy whatever. I'm doing this movie, not a comedy. So lower your expectations. And then I can't be judged. I see. I always.

[Dana Gould]

And Tim Burton can make a. Tim Burton made. Here's three amazing movies Tim Burton made. Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

[Alison Rosen]

Yep.

[Dana Gould]

Beetlejuice.

[Alison Rosen]

Yep.

[Dana Gould]

And Edward Ed Scissorhead Edwards is a hand now of those two. All funny, all touching, all great. Ed Wood, one of my top three favorite movies. I love that movie.

[Alison Rosen]

Yep.

[Dana Gould]

So he can do it.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Dana Gould]

But it just takes a little effort. And you gotta kind of take your balls out and say, yeah, I'm gonna make a comedy. John Waters being a man and taking your swings.

[Alison Rosen]

If John Waters was straight, shaved that mustache off and just wore, like a Izod shirt, everyone would just. Just tell them to hit the fucking bricks. Right? There's nobody who goes, that guy's super funny. That guy, super clever. He hides behind it. He becomes this sort of weir deity because everyone goes, oh, he's gay and he's kitschy. And you just. And by the way, if you don't think John Waters is funny, then you're just uptight and, like, square. Okay, Squaresville. I get it. You're uptight. Criticism. One of those Prop Eighters.

[Dana Gould]

Tim Burton comma genius from the genius of Tim Burton.

[Michael Madsen]

Really?

[Alison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Alison Rosen]

Three for 40.

[Dana Gould]

Does that make you a genius?

[Bald Brian]

I'm not obsessed with this term you coined quirkities.

[Alison Rosen]

I just made it up.

[Bald Brian]

Like Napoleon Donovan at the all time Corkity.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, we could come up with a list of all time.

[Bald Brian]

Quirky is kind of quirkity too, but.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, that's a quirky you can make.

[Dana Gould]

If the story of the movie is interesting and the people are kind of funny, that's great. I would say the Coen brothers make some amazing programs, but with. With I'm just. With Dark Shadows, you have. The story doesn't work. It's not really funny. It's not really scary. It's just kind of, I guess, a ball of genius.

[Alison Rosen]

But let's.

[Dana Gould]

Let's examine quirkity A reeking ball of fetid genius.

[Alison Rosen]

Let's try to get quirkity worked out just a little bit better. Because, like, the Coen Brothers. Like, Fargo's a Coen brothers film, right? Yeah. Now, I don't look at that as a quirky. No, because it's really well written. It's not relying on its quirkiness.

[Adam Carolla]

A quirky doesn't say anything. But you suspect it's trying to.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, like Serial Killing mom or whatever.

[Dana Gould]

Serial Mom.

[Alison Rosen]

Serial Mom. Those are quirkities. Like all the John Water stuff is quirky. It's what you do. It's when you see a comedian drag a steamer trunk out on stage with them, you go, I get it. Not funny. Time for the quirky.

[Bald Brian]

Quirky.

[Alison Rosen]

Time for the quirkity. All right, so I. That's a good term I coined. All right, so quirkity. Maybe. Maybe that can go in the dictionary. Or at least the. What dictionary?

[Dana Gould]

I'm throw a movie at you that I didn't even see because it reeked of quirkity. The Darjeeling Limited.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't see it either. Same reason.

[Bald Brian]

It's a Wes Anderson film, right?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Even the title says he's one of.

[Adam Carolla]

The kings of quirkity.

[Alison Rosen]

Yep. Yes, Agreed.

[Dana Gould]

And I like Jason Schwarzman very much.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I like Rushmore.

[Dana Gould]

Lovely guy.

[Alison Rosen]

Now, is Election a quirky? Because I love. No, that's funny.

[Dana Gould]

It's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but Alexander Payne veers quirky.

[Alison Rosen]

Can quirky. Here's what I'm saying. Quirkity could be good.

[Dana Gould]

No, quirkities are good when they work.

[Bald Brian]

Quirky is the bad version of a dark comedy. Dark comedy is a great film, and it's dark and it's comical. Quirkity has got nothing else masquerading as well.

[Alison Rosen]

So why is Election not quirky? Just because it was good?

[Bald Brian]

Just because it was good?

[Alison Rosen]

Maybe.

[Michael Madsen]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Just because something's highly stylized does not make it a quirky. Like I would say, Heather's is not a quirky.

[Dana Gould]

Heather's a great movie.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay? Heather's work. Enough quirkity talk. Yeah, they can work.

[Dana Gould]

They can work, but it's because you have to be telling a story and it has to work.

[Alison Rosen]

All right, so Urban Dictionary. I want quirkity in there. Also, when I was doing Ace on the house today and I was explaining to Ray how lazy my dad was, I said he had all the ambition of a Jamaican amputee. And I thought, I'd like that in the Urban Dictionary. Too. The guy works about as hard as a Jamaican amputee or something like that. Or had the ambition of. You're talking about a lazy dude there. All right, we have some.

[Dana Gould]

Why did Jamaican. No, I know.

[Alison Rosen]

You know why you needed four syllables? No, it's coming. Thank you. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming off the Bob Marley documentary, which I saw, which I enjoyed very much. But it was a lot of guys. The Rastafarian. I love it. I love it when dudes sit around and come up with a religion. And it's sort of like, well, how's it work? Well, we sit around and we smoke weed all day. Right. And what about the ladies? Well, we get to tell them how to dress and how to act and what to do, and they have to kind of be subservient to us and all that kind of stuff. And it's just. It's just one of these things where it's sort of. It's like taking my twins and giving my daughter 20M and Ms. And going, now you decide how many Sonny should get, you be in charge. Let's see how that works out for Sonny.

[Dana Gould]

And it's funny because the hipster douchebags in college that affected a Rastafari lifestyle, when you break it down, it's not that different from what a frat boy likes to do.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Smoke weed. Have sad.

[Dana Gould]

Women do what I say.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, women do what I say. And so there's a lot of hanging out. But at one point. I've said this on the show before, but it was really funny. Not funny, but sort of funny telling. They're interviewing one of the saner Wailers from back in the day, because some of them just gone off the fucking deep end. But they said at some point, Bob Marley got shot at. They, like, put the arm into the kitchen in Jamaica. Evidently, there's doors, but they never shut them. Like, even at Bob Marley's, you could stumble into Bob Marley's kitchen at the height of his fame. And, like, a gun went in, and he, like, shot Bob Marley, but grazed his belly and hit him in the arm and then shot his wife, but she was okay. And then, like, shot the driver, but he was okay. And they all just went to the hospital. And the interviewer was very early and said, do you think this was a professional hit? And the guy said, as professionals, things get. In Jamaica, like, hard to tell. Like, in Jamaica, nothing is professional. So maybe it was a professional. It wouldn't have been a professional hit in Germany, but In Jamaica, maybe it is a professional hit. Hard to tell. Like, they don't do. I don't have anything professional as far.

[Dana Gould]

As we do it. Yeah, it's like Disneyland.

[Alison Rosen]

Scary. Yeah. For Disneyland.

[Adam Carolla]

In Jamaica. What are the snipers record? How many do they get?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Oh, you mean like in Jamaica, the.

[Dana Gould]

Snipers use a blunderbuss. It's just that bad.

[Alison Rosen]

And by the way, it's hard to take one of those big knit, crazy Rastafarian hats and turn it backwards once you get on the roof to look through the scope.

[Dana Gould]

There's another thing about Jamaica. Hot, humid, full of wool caps. How does that happen?

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, my God, the smell. That's got to be dread somewhere. And by the way, the whole Rastafarian thing is like, you don't have to cut your hair, you don't shave, you smoke weed, you play soccer. And the ladies, you get to fucking call the shots with the ladies. It's an awesome gig. But as I've also said, speaking of Germany, Bob was heavily into the Rastafarian thing. And then when he got like toe cancer, he was like, do not worry, Rasta will handle it. And then when it spread to his body, he's like, I need a plane to Germany. He was on his first fucking. Actually, he went. He went to where the fucking Schwarzenegger's from. Austria. Austria. Like, he was like, soon as he had full blown cancer, he's like, I'm off to Austria. Yeah. Like I'm dealing with a guy with a degree and a clipboard. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

I want a guy with wireless with rimless glasses. Right. Who looks like the guy from Raiders whose face melted.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Or Captain Kangaroo. Yeah, yeah, either one of those guys. But he's gonna help me. All right. Like I said, Dana Gould can be found. His podcast can be found. The Dana Gould Hour, available on itunes. His website is danagould.com we have some Huell Hauser, which is always exciting. I got a little love to give one of our sponsors. We got a little clip from my book to play. What do you want to do? Want to play? Do a little. Want to do a little Huels? Yeah. Okay. Hey, Father's Day coming up, baby. The man. Great. Oh, you deserve something nice, Dana. You're a good guy. You work hard. You adopted all those kids.

[Adam Carolla]

You lie to your wife in a.

[Alison Rosen]

Supportive way with such knowing eyes. 100% cast iron, 100% made in America steakhouse quality grilling right in your own backyard. Or if you want to fuck with your neighbors, the front yard. Or if you have super low self esteem, the dog run. Yeah, that's bad. That's low self esteem grilling right there.

[Bald Brian]

Or super high self esteem in their yard.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, their yard. No more flare ups, no more dry meat, guaranteed. 20 bucks, baby, 20 bucks. It's the Adam Carolla show special. Just click on the man Great [e-mail] Good guys, good sponsors. All right, so Huels, Jewels, we got a little, got a little cue up there. What do you got, Brian? Yeah, cook it up, baby. Driving through trees, a ceiling filled with baseball hats. Oh boy. Here's the place to get socks. Get ready for an adventure.

[Dana Gould]

It's time to go digging for Huell's jewels.

[Alison Rosen]

Corolla's excited on the Adam Carolla Show. And for those of you who are new to the podcast, I've been watching Huell for about 25 years. He's a fixed year here in Southern California. He's on the KCD or PBS or whatever the station is. He's on the freebie station out here. And this is what happens when you do not require performance. I mean, you don't need ratings, you don't need numbers. No one calls Huell and it shows a graph. Hey, California's gold is bottomed out.

[Dana Gould]

He's a poster boy for meritocracy, right?

[Alison Rosen]

And he just would go out. And so because he didn't have to get any advertising, any ratings, any sponsorship, anything like that, any viewers, he acted accordingly. And as I always said, the only thing that ever hits the editing room floor is the feet of the editor.

[Bald Brian]

Can you think of, in the pre reality show era, is there a more unlikely celebrity than Hugh Hauser?

[Alison Rosen]

No, no. And he was a big celebrity when Donna Dixon was a big celebrity. At least to me. At least to me. Come on, Mary.

[Adam Carolla]

Debbie Dixon's cousin.

[Dana Gould]

His first show was called Bay Area Back Roads.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Dana Gould]

Up in San Francisco, because I got into him in the mid-80s. Yeah, ironically.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like porn.

[Alison Rosen]

When I saw him go to the cafe and talk Baghdad Cafe first he talked to an old timer about gravel for a long time and I remember that one. No one's ever clearly miked. But then when he went and talked to the guy from the Baghdad Cafe about Kirk Douglas or whoever, he's talking about Burt Lancaster.

[Dana Gould]

Burt Lancaster.

[Alison Rosen]

That was the greatest moment in comedic television history for me because it could not be recreated. A group of Harvard grads couldn't get together. Conan's writing staff could not come up with the part where he got on the phone with the owner and talked to him about the painting of Burt Lancaster. And there was no story and the owner wasn't mic'd up. And it was a one sided affair.

[Dana Gould]

Where it was like 20 minutes of buildup and nothing. As if at the end of Jaws, as the boat started to sink, the shark just swam away underwater.

[Alison Rosen]

He got bored.

[Dana Gould]

He's gone.

[Alison Rosen]

Someone else was chumming. Do you have that mike? You can. We can dig it up. This is him at the Baghdad Cafe, which is, I don't know, outside of Barstow or something. It's halfway to Vegas or outside of like Yucaipa. Here he is. We'll figure it out. We need to get this interview going here. Okay, I'll talk to you later. Okay, bye.

[Dana Gould]

This is not the raw feast.

[Alison Rosen]

He's interviewing guys on the phone. All right, bye. This is where they made the movie Baghdad Cafe back in. What was it, 87.

[Michael Madsen]

And I think in 89, he took.

[Alison Rosen]

An award over in France and called.

[Michael Madsen]

Hillbilly, like, keep it open for the tourists.

[Alison Rosen]

And like I read on the tour here that it said they still make a lot of movies. They still shoot here a lot. Commercials, a lot of that and photo shoots and all kinds of stuff. Is it just because of the famous name or the atmosphere of the place or.

[Michael Madsen]

I think it's the atmosphere.

[Alison Rosen]

We got really. Oh, here he is on the phone with the owner. Picture in there of Burt Lancaster. Why is there. Let's stand in here, let me get this and I'll relay it to our viewers. Great timing. Why is there a portrait of Burt Lancaster in here on the wall of the Baghdad Cafe? Oh, you just bought it. He's never actually been here. It's the greatest. Burt Lancaster's never been here. Okay.

[Dana Gould]

Perfect giant build, and then nothing.

[Alison Rosen]

Now most people would have went, well, we can't use that, obviously. I walked in the other room and we came up Snake. Yeah, you can't. Impossible to use that. That segment because the guy didn't. There was no story. But now that's as if at the.

[Dana Gould]

End of King Kong, the pilots all got on the. You know, if we wait him out, he'll probably just climb down.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, he'll get tired eventually.

[Dana Gould]

Eventually he's gonna just climb down.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, he'll get hungry.

[Dana Gould]

By the way, just a sidebar before.

[Alison Rosen]

We go into Huell's jewels.

[Dana Gould]

King Kong, I realized this the other day. They bring him back from the jungle. Huge theater. Carl Denham presents Kong, the eighth Wonder of the World. They go in, the audience is full, the curtain Rises, there's Kong on stage, they take photos, he flips out, he breaks his chains and runs amok. Had he not broken his chains, what was the show?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dana Gould]

They open with the finale. Here's the big. And now Edgar and Charlie McCarthy also.

[Alison Rosen]

Ever since the King Kong, the original one, ever since the flash cubes was used to scare people or turn people. Like it was always the. All you needed was the POV of whoever was getting the pictures taken, whether it was a guy who was coming undone or an animal that was coming on. Just three or four, possibly in slow motion shots of the flash cubes going off to. No. So now this was going to trigger following sequence in Rear Window.

[Dana Gould]

He actually uses flash cubes to stop a murderer from strangling him. You don't walk seven feet. You just. It takes about two seconds.

[Alison Rosen]

So later on, by the way, at the Baghdad Cafe, he went to the post office, but it was closed. There was that. And so he was lucky enough to find the old timer who collected rocks. Not valuable rocks, just. Just rocks.

[Dana Gould]

And for those of you who don't know, you also have to imagine as you hear this, this is a 6 foot 2 inch guy, 6 foot 4, right.

[Alison Rosen]

Built, sure.

[Dana Gould]

Skin tight polo shirt tucked into chinos and desert boots. Before he opens his mouth, you think, oh, here comes a drill instructor. And he opens his mouth and it's.

[Alison Rosen]

That if you have. I don't know if you have the old guys talking with gravel, but that guy cracks. I like rocks that collect all sorts of rocks. Yeah, and it's not like. What kind of rocks do you have? Well, we have geodes and crystals. No, we have big rocks and small rocks.

[Dana Gould]

Big rocks and small rocks. Those are two kinds of rock. I can't imagine there could be a third.

[Alison Rosen]

I keep them in soup cans. Huel, that's soup.

[Dana Gould]

Now, those cans used to contain soup, now they contain rocks.

[Alison Rosen]

I can't eat solid food because you're old.

[Dana Gould]

And soon you're gonna know whether or not God is real. That's amazing.

[Alison Rosen]

If you lick them, they turn a different color.

[Dana Gould]

That is true of many things.

[Alison Rosen]

My wife panned consistency many years ago. But I have never had the heart to bury her.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah, he's walking, but that is an amazing wind.

[Alison Rosen]

Chad, how about all these rocks? Oh, my God. Look at this guy. Oh, hold on.

[Dana Gould]

Just go back.

[Alison Rosen]

Go back and listen to the oldest sound a man has ever made.

[Dana Gould]

Here's a guy that has gone back to birth.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, all right, just listen. Tell me about all these rocks. Yeah, yeah. Hello.

[Dana Gould]

Rocks that I picked up over period of years.

[Alison Rosen]

It's not Mike. That's the other good part about it. They're never Mike. Oh, look, 300 years old.

[Dana Gould]

For those of you not who don't, he looks just like the zombie that almost killed the kid in the season finale of the Walking Dead.

[Alison Rosen]

Ichabod Crane would be like, have a power bar, pop. Let's go. You ever heard of something called. Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

He makes.

[Dana Gould]

He really does look like he could go right into the Walking Dead. And they were just like, I just put a little green on him, but he's fine.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't know. Like, if I was like the director, I'd be like, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be like, oh, you came in makeup already.

[Alison Rosen]

I know zombies are green, but I don't know. Let's not put our foot through a Picasso. Yeah, I think this is it. This is good. He collects rocks.

[Dana Gould]

I imagine that is the noise of your soul leaving your body.

[Alison Rosen]

Now, here's what I don't understand about our laws. By the way, if you backed over this guy in your pickup truck when you had a couple of pops, you'd get like vehicular manslaughter or something versus killing, like a Sports Illustrated model. Yeah. Like, to me, I think you could go over there and take apart this guy with a machete and still only get manslaughter.

[Dana Gould]

I think it's called an hn. That's hastening nature. It's just like you're just cutting corners on nature herself.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right. Tell me about all these rocks.

[Dana Gould]

And really, he's thinking, must I. Must I talk and walk?

[Alison Rosen]

First off, has there ever been another human being that held a microphone up to you and said, tell me about your rock collection.

[Bald Brian]

He thought it was a gun.

[Alison Rosen]

This is aggregate, people. This is the stuff that they put that turns cement into concrete.

[Dana Gould]

There's no way that guy is still alive, by the way.

[Alison Rosen]

No.

[Dana Gould]

Because this is, what, five, six years old?

[Alison Rosen]

No. Yes, he is. Oh, no. This is many years old.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder what happened to his rock.

[Alison Rosen]

There's. There's no.

[Dana Gould]

My dad would say, that guy's got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.

[Alison Rosen]

Not funny. It's funny because your dad said it. All right, should we have some. Should we do some Huel Huell's jewels here? Let's see, we got here. Well, hello, everybody.

[Dana Gould]

I'm Huell Howser.

[Alison Rosen]

It's a beautiful morning in Southern California. Specifically, we're in Pasadena. More specifically than that, we are in Old Pasadena. And I keep wanting to say Old Town Pasadena, but really it's Old Pasadena here to give us a tour. Introduce yourself to everybody, Robert.

[Dana Gould]

My name is Robert Montano and I work for the city's redevelopment agency.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay, now, we are standing right in the heart of Old Pasadena. Now, for those people who don't know about Old Paddle Pasadena, explain what Old Pasadena is. We'll start off with what Old Pasadena was. Sure, sure.

[Dana Gould]

You have to let him. You have to let him, Huell.

[Alison Rosen]

Also, I've done that move too. When some guy's got a last name like Montano or something, but you don't know if it's Montagna or Montagna or something. Go introduce yourself to the people there, Rob.

[Dana Gould]

And apparently this is the Old Pasadena drinking game. If you've never played it before, it.

[Alison Rosen]

Does sound like it.

[Dana Gould]

Every time Yule says Old Pasadena, you hit one. Well, my favorite one, you know the actress Chloe Sevignier? I know her brother, Pete Savigny.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, really? Wow. That's what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

She stars in Quirkities.

[Alison Rosen]

Huell's in Old Town Pasadena. I wonder if we'll see where I used to work. I used to work at GM in Old Pasadena. Bodies in motion out there. Yeah. Next clip. Huell is going to marvel at buildings and look out, because when Huell goes into Marvel mode, it's a treat. Okay, now, before we get to Paseo Colorado, there's an old post office building. Over there's the old rarely see old post office. Here's one of the new buildings here. And then right down here, Robert, this looks like kind of lofts. Apartments. Must be great to be Huelled series.

[Dana Gould]

Series of concrete cubes, but they're hollow and there seems to be a rectangular opening at the bottom that I would assume would allow human access.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, Huell, that's called a lobby. People go into the lobby and they take something called an elevator up to their unit.

[Dana Gould]

It is amazing because to drive by, you would not think that there would be a way for a person to go inside one of these large cubes that you call a. A building.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, it's. It's pretty common stuff.

[Dana Gould]

It is a mate. One thing I've learned over the years is that you can get inside of a lot of things that people normally wouldn't think you could.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, I just kind of focus on.

[Dana Gould]

Dan Blocker comes to mind.

[Alison Rosen]

Not a big fan of the Ponderosa. There he was, Hoss, which is a.

[Dana Gould]

Noise that he made when he felt a sudden weight. Come on him from the rear. And a rag soaked in chloroform slid over his. Let's talk more about the post office.

[Alison Rosen]

Let's focus on the post office. Huell. It must be great because Huell can just go. There's Dan Blocker standing in front of a post office. Huell. Why is he. Huell must have just said to his cameraman, like, come on, Louie, let's go. And Louie must have went like, well, what are we shooting today? And then he'll just laugh like, who gives a fuck? It is.

[Dana Gould]

It is a weird. It's like found video. It's just like, we're gonna make. We're, you know, we're gonna make a show right here. This is a tree and a corner. Two streets come together. One going north, south, one going east, west. Jesus Christ.

[Alison Rosen]

He's really. No, he's kind of like. He's kind of like a clown at a kid's party who blows up a bunch of long balloons, moves his hands, bends around a bunch of stuff, and then they all just fall to the ground like, there's nothing. There's nothing there.

[Dana Gould]

Or it's usually you start with a long balloon and end up with basically, dick and balls. This is an emu. That's a dick and balls.

[Alison Rosen]

He's out. Huell is out at night, by the way, in the Pasadena nightlife. We'll play that clip.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, that's Huell.

[Alison Rosen]

You know, this place is bustling at night, and in the afternoons we're kind of here early in the morning. Goodness. Yeah. But this is just wall to wall people on the weekends and at night. Yeah, generally it's quite a scene.

[Dana Gould]

It's quite a scene during the holidays, weekends, special events. It's quite an event.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, it's nice at night, but I kind of like it quiet. It makes it a lot easier, doesn't it?

[Dana Gould]

And he has that constant smile where you really. And you know the type of guy, like. And it's bustling at night. And then the guy's going, yeah, there's a lot of people at night. And he's still smiling. And it's the kind of guy. I don't know if Huell will. And then you'll hear like, cut. And then the smile will stay, but it'll go. You took a long time to answer that. What, are you fucking with me? What, are you trying to make me look like an asshole? You ever been hung on a hook? No. I'm gonna do it again. I'm gonna ask you about the nightlife again. Do Me a favor. Keep fucking with me, Robert.

[Alison Rosen]

The thing I love about Yule is when he talks to the people and they are bored out of their fucking tree about whatever.

[Dana Gould]

Because you would think, do you want to be on tv, Right? You want to be interviewed, right? Yeah. And then it's like. So that cloud. Is that cloud always here?

[Alison Rosen]

No, no, they move around here.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, really? So you see all sorts of clouds?

[Alison Rosen]

Well, as a park ranger, yeah, if you look up, you'll see clouds.

[Dana Gould]

And the guy just thinking right now, within 20ft, there are 11 different ways to kill myself.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, it's always great. I love the family business guy because he'll talk to the guy who's been making pita bread. And his grandfather and his grandfather's grandfather came over from Armenia and they made pita bread. And he just. So this is where it shipped. Yeah, he'll. That's where it's shipped. So that's why they call it shipping. Yeah, that's where the trucks back up. So these are raised up so the height of the truck matches the height of the pita bread when it comes. Right. He only thought of that.

[Dana Gould]

He's got to be like Barney Fox eventually, by just the sheer volume of his trips, he's gonna stumble onto something big. Now, what. What exactly comes in these crates? Girls. Stupid girls from Russia. They come in thinking they're going to be nennies, nettles, and they're basically horse. So this is a. It's a. There's a lot of human trafficking. Human trafficking?

[Alison Rosen]

Really? You'd think at some point he'd blow the lid off of something. It covers enough ground and enough parts of, like, the San Fern Valley where you think he'd run into a dead body.

[Adam Carolla]

At least at that guy who had the rocks, you'd think there'd be body.

[Dana Gould]

He would be so out of it, though. He wouldn't even. He wouldn't.

[Alison Rosen]

So these.

[Dana Gould]

These are shipping crates, but you. You bring in people illegally for sexual purpose?

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, that's it.

[Dana Gould]

Now, what is this over here? That's a Razzles vending machine for Razzles. Do they still make Razzles?

[Alison Rosen]

Yes. If he was in Pulp Fiction and went into that pawn shop, he'd be like. So they call you the Gimp.

[Dana Gould]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Nice to meet you.

[Dana Gould]

Now, that's not a very breathable leather suit. Could you show me. I saw an Evel Knievel. Yo, yo. In the display case. Could you show me that?

[Alison Rosen]

Can we go back upstairs? Yeah. We have Huell at the Pita shop. Oh, Eric, explain to us exactly what is this called? It looks like just a big mixer to me. That's exactly what it is. This is a big mixer. You can mix about a thousand pounds.

[Michael Madsen]

Of dough in there.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay, so this is where it all starts. Have you ever seen anything like this on this scale before, Lisa? No, never. This is even bigger than what you do in your kitchen. That's why I brought you here. Yeah. All right, now, what are we talking about in here? Basic ingredients. Basic ingredients. Flour, water, sugar, sugar, salt, yeast. That's it. So pretty basic stuff. There's nothing complicated about it.

[Dana Gould]

We're hearing you, Kaipa. It's funny, sometimes I close my eyes and I pretend I'm the king of a land where babies are money.

[Alison Rosen]

By the way, the chick who's wearing the hair net with a huge tuft of hair hanging out in front of the hairnet kind of flies in the face of the purpose of the hairnet.

[Dana Gould]

The concept of a hairnet right out of the window.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, listen, Elvis, go ahead and tuck that shit in. It's called a hairnet because it's trying to prevent clumps of your hair from falling off the front of your head.

[Dana Gould]

Now, does he at home when he's home alone, does he just. Is he mar in the morning putting toothbrush on the tooth. Oh, my God. Every time it fit, they make the toothpaste hole the same width as the toothbrush. Is that coincidence or is it just like, I don't have the guts to kill myself today? So I'm just gonna put on my Waffle Stompers, go to a cardboard box factory.

[Alison Rosen]

Huell is going to go on a quick tour of some historic alleys in Old Town Pasadena. By the way, if you didn't think this could heat up anymore, look out.

[Dana Gould]

You know what I think I could do if I was man enough? I could stuff my mouth with shotgun shells and duct tape it shut, then set myself on fire. And when the heat got to my head, I mean, fucking blue.

[Alison Rosen]

I think we're all going to want to do that after we watch.

[Dana Gould]

I want to go out and I want to do it at the top of the Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica promenade.

[Alison Rosen]

And you're going to do it. Okay, we're starting our tour, and we're leaving Colorado Boulevard and heading into an alley. Because alleys are an important part of what's happening in old Pasadena. They're very big part of old Pasadena. They're the original service alleys to all of the buildings. Would have needed some access from the rear of try.

[Dana Gould]

Alleys are an important part of the human system of love making. The way a peacock. The way a peacock will fan out its tail or a cocka teal will sing a song, or baboons, their asses will swell up.

[Alison Rosen]

They'll present.

[Dana Gould]

These are called presenting. Humans present by taking a chloroform soaked rag and hiding in an alley behind a pool hall or sports bar.

[Alison Rosen]

I did not know that, Hughes. I did not know that ritual.

[Dana Gould]

That's how we mate. That's how we meet our mates. Or as I call them, weekend playmates or Monday Shovelers. I also call them Monday Shovelers.

[Alison Rosen]

I mean, you're shoveling on Monday Hill sometimes, you know.

[Dana Gould]

That's why I like it when people have a collection of rocks, because I know there's not a lot of rocks in the nearby soil. It's a quick dig.

[Alison Rosen]

Ah, I see. Yeah.

[Dana Gould]

Always thinking.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Nothing worse than when that bedrock is close to the top and you really gotta get out that pickaxe.

[Dana Gould]

You like roller coasters, motherfucker?

[Alison Rosen]

We've tried to get Huell in here a few times, Huel. Someone has. I wonder why you're on command.

[Dana Gould]

People are always texting me like I'm done. All my Lucha vavoom friends. Like I'm in a restaurant downtown and Huell Howser is like three tables. Don't tell them you know me, Huell.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't know. I'm guessing that Huell has been able, for a guy his size, has been able to slide under the radar of most people for many years. But he's a big guy.

[Dana Gould]

He's a huge guy.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes. An ex marine. And when I saw that Baghdad Cafe thing, I just said, this is. This is. It may be California gold. It's comedy gold to me. If you're gonna talk to old guys about rocks and go to post offices that are closed or go take a tour of alleys at Old Town Pasadena. Dana Gould. The great Dana Gould. Dana is going up and doing a set tonight. So Dana's gotta fly. But I will.

[Dana Gould]

I'm in a show that starts now.

[Alison Rosen]

I will tell you this about Dana Gary. He's killing. Don't you have ears? Oh, in his show. Saturday, June 2nd, the triple door. The Triple Door in Seattle. [e-mail] and podcast the Dana Gould Hour. I don't have to tell you just how funny Dana Gould is. And I always use Dana Gould. By the way, I have a couple examples of funny when I don't want people to argue. With me about funny and I always use Dana Gould.

[Dana Gould]

Oh, that's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Dana Gould would never do what you're doing right now, Allison.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right. That's right. I say it every. I think it every day.

[Dana Gould]

He's sitting down.

[Alison Rosen]

The podcast available the Dana Gould are available on iTunes. The website Dana Gould.com on the Twitteranaj Gould. All right, quick break. News queued up there House and Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

It sure is.

[Alison Rosen]

We'll do that next.

[Dana Gould]

And now Alcoa presents Definitely not a Jew. On the Adam Carolla show, Dateline, Niagara Falls. A 27 year old man attempted to pay for a meal with $1 and a bag of marijuana. The meal cost $9 and the restaurant was a Denny. Definitely not a Jew.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, go daddy, baby. Best thing about the web. Go daddy. All out there. People make themselves some websites for their dogs. I don't think a cat would put up with a website. But a dog. Dog needs a website. What animals need a web. Fish. Not necessary.

[Adam Carolla]

Bird, maybe. They might have a lot to say.

[Alison Rosen]

They got a lot of range. Yeah, of course.

[Bald Brian]

It's a good thing Anna David's not here. I have to explain this over and over again.

[Alison Rosen]

All right. Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't want to offend a segment of our listenership, but I do think that someone who has a ferret would subject you to their ferret website.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh yeah, ferret.

[Adam Carolla]

They have a weird pride.

[Alison Rosen]

Ferret is the number one creepy dude on the Venice boardwalk, Pat. Yes, that is the creepy dude on the boardwalk.

[Adam Carolla]

And P.S. it doesn't get you any chicks.

[Alison Rosen]

No. But I think it's a conversation starter. And somehow guys look at that. If you can sort of just bridge that walking past you. If you can just slow down long enough to look at something, then they got you.

[Adam Carolla]

Like that guy Mystery.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, with the flare and the fur and the.

[Alison Rosen]

By the way, no need for that guy in front of Mystery. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I thought you might think I was asking about a certain caper or something. Yeah, he's all about the have the conversation starter.

[Bald Brian]

He has a top hat and goggles strapped to the top hat.

[Adam Carolla]

See, that'd be a conversation ender. It'd be a fast conversation.

[Alison Rosen]

He's dressed like the chick from I gotta see Mystery. Four non blondes. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Is that what he's dressed like a. Yeah. She's a very good example of what happens when Ms. Rebellion turns into a senior citizen. Like it's just not, you know, the dreads and the tats and the piercings. It's all great when you're fucking pissed off at your stepdad in 1985, but in 2012, you have to do something with that look. And if you just go ride that look off into the sunset, it's going to be weird because you're wearing the same. It's like when guys get too bony and too skinny and too scrawny to hold up their leather pants anymore, but they're still wearing the leather pants. Like, the leather pants are good because they show off the package and they show off the buns. But once the quads and the buns go and you're nothing but sack and.

[Adam Carolla]

Femur bone, you begin to look like a real housewife.

[Alison Rosen]

Right? Bad times. Yeah. Anyway, where were we? The news.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, let's do it.

[Alison Rosen]

The News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Dana Gould]

It's Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[Alison Rosen]

Up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Tonight's news is sponsored by Maxim Digital. Go to www.maxim.comdigital and with the purchase of a digital subscription, you'll receive exclusive bonus content. So Romney has received the nomination. So really no surprise to anyone. And as a side note, Romney put out an official iPhone app and America was misspelled.

[Alison Rosen]

So that story caught on.

[Adam Carolla]

Amercia is what it says.

[Alison Rosen]

Ah, yeah. See, it looks fine to me.

[Bald Brian]

Maybe he's for better amercia.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, maybe he is. Think about that.

[Adam Carolla]

I did think about that, but I don't think so.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I love the fact that everyone's a fuck up now. I know just every adult is officially fuck up. And I wonder if they're all officially fuck ups. When we're kids, I always had this vision of adults and I think it was from watching television shows and sitcoms where he's a businessman, he's a well respected businessman. And then it would be a client of Larry Tate would come in. He was coming over to Darren Stephens house for dinner and he had like a thin tie and that businessman cap that had that weird little puny feather in the side of it, right? And there was a lot of protocol to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Humorless and on assignment.

[Alison Rosen]

And he'd have an overcoat no matter what the weather was. And he had that tie and the clip on the tie and there was a lot of business going down. I don't feel like that guy was a major fuck up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Or like the parents in Mary Poppins.

[Alison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's how adults are supposed to be. Or they were right. They don't fly. Copy.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, they were off to the opera or off to the theater and the guy had like a monocle. And you know, there was a lot of young man and there wasn't a lot of hugging it out with Poppy and kissing and penny for your thigh.

[Adam Carolla]

There were no feelings. That's why you needed a Peter Pan figure.

[Alison Rosen]

Guys who wore sweatpants when they were sick and they would never leave the house unless they were in the NBA. Like now it's just dudes. Everyone's wearing cargo shorts and sweats and flip flops and misspelling everything. Well.

[Adam Carolla]

And also it makes me wonder, have they just fired all the people that used to be in positions where they would say, no, that's not how you spell America.

[Alison Rosen]

There's an element of, I think everybody is multitasking now. I have the notion that everyone is thinking about three different things at once. I think in the day you would just think about whatever it is you were doing. Now I think you're thinking about your fantasy football or fairytale football team because it's more condescending. You're thinking about some roto league. You're thinking about something that your kids are doing. We have forced, by the way, guys to think about their kids way too much and turn us into fuck ups. Because guys used to just go to work and think about work. Now I think they're thinking about their kids too much.

[Adam Carolla]

Like thinking about how are they doing and what do they need and am I being a good father in that way?

[Alison Rosen]

There's two, it's, it's two ways. One is there's this, you know, there's this stuff that likes constantly coming at you, which is, you know, if you want Sonny to listen to you, you have to spend more one on one time with Sonny and come down to his level.

[Adam Carolla]

Like lots of museums and zoos.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes. Lots of discussions about me coming down to the six year old's level. Not a lot of discussions about them shutting up and getting a fucking step ladder and coming up to my level.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, meet in the middle. You can both be like 19.

[Alison Rosen]

Could you imagine Mary Poppins if the, the wildly hot wife of the fat older guy with the mustache and the monocle and the top hat. Imagine if she was giving him long winded dissertations on what it's going to take to get closer to the kids. He would have fucking backhanded her and raped her right in the entry hall. And you know what? There's not a court in the land that would have convicted him. That's right, Panda.

[Bald Brian]

God, I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for you.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

See, it's a good thing she was so busy with the ladies Auxiliary Club, she didn't have time for all that.

[Alison Rosen]

So no one ever pulled them aside and explained to them that, you know, the kids, they don't respect you as much as they could because you're not speaking to them like. Nah, there was just so I think guys are two things. And women for that matter. Women are working. Guys are working and they're at the work in the workplace, at the workspace, but they're up in their head about the kids, whatever. There's some shit going on, you'll see. There's some school related shit that you're Twinsies day or some bullshit pizza day or something. I mean, for fuck's sake, I gotta go there. Graduation graduation was sixth grade. Now fifth grade, I guess. But you'd graduate when you got out of grade school and then you'd graduate when you got out of junior high and then you'd graduate when you got out of high school. Though I didn't get my diploma because I owed the book room money. And then you might graduate out of college or med school or whatever it is, but you didn't graduate from, from kindergarten to first grade, from first grade to second grade, from second grade to third. That's just moving on. That's snapping the Legos of life together, man.

[Adam Carolla]

That's just not being held back.

[Alison Rosen]

That ain't a finished castle. That's just a couple Legos building a moat. That's right, short sniff.

[Bald Brian]

You had a little leftover.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right, Satan. I gotta go there. Fucking graduation, okay, Two things started.

[Bald Brian]

A Mitt Romney.

[Alison Rosen]

Two things. I don't know where I'm at. Two things. One is, as I've said, said if somebody masturbates to whatever crime was allegedly perpetrated upon you or them, it is not a crime. That's just science, number one. Number two, if you are going to a graduation of a thing, whether it's a dog or a kid, yeah, they graduate too. Or a kid going from giggles and grass stains over to the kindergarten and they're not aware they're graduating, then it's not a graduation. The thing has to be aware they're graduating. Otherwise I don't need to attend. Because if they don't know they're graduating, then they're not gonna know I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

The there, the Graduation has to be consensual.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right, that's right. That's right. Grad means grad, the more you know. Thank you. So I think everybody's busy working on five different things. Not to mention we all have some idea for some Internet startup company that we're trying to get off the ground while we're at work. Everyone's working on their own shit at work.

[Adam Carolla]

You know when you were always got a tweet going?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. I mean, like when you work. When you work at a factory and you assemble washing machines for Maytag, it's hard to get a side business going when you're just working, doing spot welding on a conveyor belt line.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also hard. Yeah, no, go ahead.

[Alison Rosen]

No, but when you're sitting at a fucking computer in this office, you know, Chris Max a pat us back there. He's trying to rule the world on the fucking MacBook over there. On my dime, I'm sure he's doing anything but work back there. And then he's eating all my food. And when he eats all my food, then he shits up my toilet. Use all my toilet paper. God knows what anyone's doing.

[Adam Carolla]

I know you tried to get people to bring their own toilet paper, but that never took.

[Bald Brian]

Well, Chris's money making plan is eating that pizza.

[Alison Rosen]

If there's casual dress day, why can't they bring their, you know, Bring your own toilet paper to work day?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Are you supposed to provide double ply for everyone? Mm, that's crazy.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right. All right, anyway, I feel like everyone's working on something. Everyone's preoccupied. Everyone's thinking about their kids. Everyone's got some blog or some website or some something, some tweets or something. And thus all the work sort of suffers a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

See the inability to monotask, though. Well, actually, that's my question. Is that a problem for you guys? Because for me, I constantly have to remind myself to like pay attention to what I'm doing. And it's not even that I'm thinking about million dollar schemes. It's that I'm fretting about something or I'm trying to remember something or I'm worried about something. But I'm. My head is. I'm not mindful. I'm always not in the moment.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, me too.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now I'm thinking about facts of life.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, what you said. Me too. Now I carry around a buck slip and the buck slips a hard piece of cardboard and it's three and a half or four by eight or nine inches tall and a pen. And I just never stop writing things on it. And then I get things on it. Everything from shit I want to talk about on the show to a bunch of shit. I got a pack with me to take this race up to Sonoma. And then I just start crossing things. I just scratch them off the list, and then I just keep going. And when it's done, I flip it over and I just keep riding things on this buck slip and I carry it around with me. Otherwise it would fly in one ear and out the other. And I tell people all the time, just write it down. Just write it down. And they go, I don't need to write it down. It's ironic when you're.

[Adam Carolla]

You will one day. Cause now I do. And I just feel like it's. Cause I'm old.

[Alison Rosen]

No, if I'm having a conversation with you about writing shit down, it means you need to write shit down. Ironically, you know, a cop doesn't pull you over and talk to you about speeding because potentially, you may be speeding one day. You're probably speeding now, and that's why he pulled you over. So the conversation with whomever I'm speaking to about write it down usually means we're in the midst of something that you'd forgotten in a sea of other things you've forgotten. And that's why I'm saying write it down. And I don't know why it's such an attack. I mean, what I've done. Because life is getting so hectic and so complicated, and so whatever. I've implemented a few rules. One is, let's be realistic, like every once in a while. The other day I found a, like, sort of metal, almost like a button, but it just had one big hole in the middle of the it. And it was scotch taped down to a square post. It. And it was just. It was like a little metal nut, but it was a sheet. Like sheet metal besides a little square nut. And I said, it's the kind of thing I do. I'd say, what is this? I said to my wife, I said, what is this? Oh, that's from Sunny swim trunks. And I have to sew it back. Just throw it away. Who we kidding? Throw it away. Let's keep it moving, because otherwise we're gonna drown in a sea of little shit. I've saw my grandparents, every time a mug fell off a kitchen counter, it would be sitting back up on the counter in 10 pieces. Because at some date that would never arrive, they were Going to glue said mug back together and then you have to sit there and swim in a sea of your failures. Just showing it. Just throw it out. So, number one, let's be realistic with ourselves. Look, I'm not criticizing you. I'm not criticizing you for not sewing. I'm criticizing for not. For you not knowing. You don't sew. What? I'm saying you don't sew. Throw it away. Swim trunks are four bucks. Throw it away. And he's fine. He's got swim trunks. So keep it moving. Throw it away. Like is it. Don't even bring the shit in the house. That's number one. Like if it, if it ain't staying in the house, don't bring it in the house. Number two, you want to bring something with you or you want to take somewhere, go fucking put it in the car right now. Go put it in the car. Put it right by the front door. Like lean it there so you have to trip over it. Don't do that. Oh, I got to remember to go into the office and grab it before I go. No, no, it's in your mind. Now go do it now and go get a buck slip and start misspelling America. Thank you. Good.

[Adam Carolla]

It's beautiful. So, you know, for years and years and years and years and years, what everyone has said is bullies have low self esteem. That's why they bully, because they don't feel good about themselves.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But it turns out a researcher from Melbourne says, no, no, bullies have excessively high self esteem. Which when you think about it, makes so much more sense. It makes so much more sense that they feel great about themselves.

[Alison Rosen]

I know we decided at some point, like, it's right up there with the. The reason that bear attacked you is because it was scared of you. Or that shark is more scared of you. Yeah. Tell that to my severed leg. Like, we bought off on this whole. Like, he's more, they're more. That's why they lash out, because they don't.

[Adam Carolla]

The compensation.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I think that be looks at you and goes, I got about 1200 pounds on this ass wipe. I think I'll fucking chew him.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's like your theory of politics, basically, and of war and of why certain countries are such assholes. It's because they can be.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, that's how it works.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not really because they're angry at something we did.

[Alison Rosen]

No, they just can do it or. Look, it's why in certain parts of the world, if you have a neighbor who you know you can crush. You crush them because might makes right. And that's how it works in certain parts of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

No one respects weakness. I personally am drawn to it in animals.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, but still. So I had low self esteem growing up and I never bullied anybody. You had low self esteem? You never bullied anyone? Brian, did you bully anyone? Of course you did.

[Bald Brian]

I was the bullied.

[Alison Rosen]

You were the bullied?

[Adam Carolla]

The bullied.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, and you have high self esteem. I forgot about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, you were?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. Brian has high self esteem.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, but you know what I mean. You know what I mean. I never wanted to. I never wanted to exert my will on anybody. I never really felt like humiliating anybody. I was the one being humiliated most of the time. But yeah, high self esteem. But no, did not feel like I had to bully anybody. Picked up my brother a lot, but that's sort of a, you know, he's there and he's younger than me.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a question for you guys. So some. So I wasn't constantly bullied as a youngster, but in seventh grade I went through a period of time of being the social outcast in that like fucked with me for years afterwards because seventh grade is a pretty formative time. Anyway, one of my, let's say the, like the ringleader recently I ran into this person somewhere and she came up to me and was like, did you happen to go to this school? And I said, well, yes, I did. And then I couldn't place her. And then suddenly I got the sinking feeling like, oh my God, I know exactly who you are. You've been this figure that has loomed large for a long time for me. And anyway, I kept going back and forth between I should have my guard up, I don't trust this person. And then that's insane. That's when we were 12. It's so many years later. There's no way she's still the same person. And then I kept going back and forth who someone was at 12. How much bearing does that have on who they will turn out to be as an adult?

[Alison Rosen]

Well, multiple answers. I don't know anyone who's changed, you know, wholesale. I mean, everyone. And I've had the opportunity sometimes, unfortunately, to hang out with the same ass wipes I grew up with in the Valley. Because I grew up and I never moved. And everybody seems to be an adult version of who they were. I changed a lot just because I realized, oh my God, I'm going to be miserable. Like I took, I didn't need a Mirror. All I needed was a cookie sheet. Cheap. It's good because it makes you look really high. And I just said, this is going to be a long and shitty and poor life filled with a bunch of stuff you don't want and people you don't want to hang out with and a lot of bad rentals, driving pickup trucks. So you got to do something about this. And I made a conscious effort to do something about it. I don't know if I'm any different. I know my actions are different. Like I. I don't know that your core will be different, but your extremities can be different. And I always sort of feel the way I've always felt. On the other hand, victories and momentum does have a certain way of piling on top of each other. Like I mentioned before, I knew Jimmy when he was, you know, peon number three, and now he's the grand Poobah. And you know, I've heard people way back in the day be like, hey, Jimmy, be quiet. Don't do this and do that. And there's nothing he can do. He's not the grand Poobah. When you're the grand Poobah, you get to say, here's the way I want it. I don't think he's different at his core. I just think he realizes reality and he sees it on reality's terms. You know, it's that kind of thing where a lot of people have difficulty. Like, there's a lot of people who, when cops have their guns drawn on them and are yelling, get down. Keep walking at them, flapping their arms, screaming, what did I do? Nobody robbing a bank today. Like they're gonna get shit. You have to kind of know where you are. And not only do you have to know where you are, you have to know when you are where you are. Like, Jimmy was always Jimmy, the king of late night in his mind. But he still knew he was making 40 something thousand dollars a year and had five guys higher than him at the radio station. And by the way, he'd gotten shit canned from enough radio stations to realize that not everyone was going to recognize this immediate. And there's a long way to go between him. Sort of like a guy who may have known he was going to be great in the NBA one day, but he was a sophomore in high school at this point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you can't act more than your station or else he will resent you.

[Alison Rosen]

Right? So most people I know are about the same as they were as far as their core goes. But you can change your habits and you can sort of act as if, if and when you start changing your habits, your core starts changing a little bit too, because your core gets pulled along with your habits. Like, you know, my core is a wildly unsuccessful, super lazy, sort of low self esteem, oh, why bother getting out of bed? Nothing's gonna work anyway, sort of that, that's what I grew up with. I'm not that way now. And whatever I did pulled that core with it. So you can act as if, as they say. I don't know where that got started. And the bullying, here's what I found with the bullying and all that stuff. Everyone tells us stories, which I never believe, which is like, every day I got beat up after high school. Like, really every day you were physically assaulted. And by the way, when you're talking about high school, I was £200 in high school and capable of hurting somebody. So, like, if I was physically assaulting somebody every day, they'd have brain damage. You know, like you're physically salt. Yeah, I got beat up. Oh yeah, I got beat up every day. Everyone feels that way. And here's how I know that everyone also feels like they're on sort of the low end of the whatever. Because I think it's a hormonal thing. I really do. There's no way that every 16 year old chick feels like the awkward one and the ugly ducking duckling at the same time at the same high school. And then when you talk to the fucking, you talk to Elle McPherson, she's like, oh, I was an outcast, I was awkward, I had no problem.

[Adam Carolla]

She's lying though.

[Alison Rosen]

I know she's lying. They're all, all the tall ones that are blonde lie. But I realized that people have different experience events in different ways. Because when we were doing a bit for the man show, I think we had some idea where I was going to get together. All the chicks who'd basically dumped on me my entire career and get them together and go, look at me now. Like, look at me. I got my own show, I got my own office, I drive a BMW and I got a big house in the hills. And it was gonna be like, not mean spirited, but we'd make it funny. And so we started running down these chicks I used to date who I said, oh yeah, this one dumped me and that guy, that one I had one date with or two dates with. And then she didn't call me back. And just about every one of them said, I didn't dump him, he dumped Me. And I was like, first off, I was the one who was there who was not getting blown. So believe you me. You want me to. Should we get my balls involved with this conversation because you don't want to talk to them. It's going to get ugly quick as.

[Adam Carolla]

Soon as I face them.

[Bald Brian]

As soon as I told Adam I didn't want to have anything to do with them, he left.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, but in most of their minds, and I don't know if they really believe it or it's just kind of convenient. It kind of went down as he dumped me or we stopped seeing each other as a mutual thing. And then I realized I'm the same way and a lot of people are the same way. I don't remember dumping anybody. I remember. I feel like my getting dumped to dumping people ratio is 20 to 1. When the reality is there's probably a group of women out there that I know there is. If I wanted to sit down and really think about it. It went. Yeah, Adam and I went out on like two dates and then he never called me. But in my mind that doesn't go down as me dumping them. I just only feel the part where I got dumped. And maybe that's the low self esteem and maybe that's. That's why I never bullied you Never ever, ever bullied. No, I did shitty things to people. That's the other thing too. The other thing that people don't realize is we say bullied. And you don't really know what is bullying and what isn't bullying when you're doing it because you don't know how the other person is absorbing. Absorbing. Whatever you're doing. It happens all the time. You know my assistant, Matt Fondelier? He's either Matt the Porcelain punisher or I just call him Sac Faggot Queer because it rolls off the tongue. And he could be genuinely musical component to it.

[Michael Madsen]

You know what I mean?

[Bald Brian]

It's very pleasing.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes. He could be genuinely upset about. Like he really could. I don't know, I'm just fucking around. But he could go home to his roommate and cry his eyes out every night. I don't think.

[Adam Carolla]

He probably does, right?

[Alison Rosen]

I'd like to think so, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Matt, what's going on in there?

[Alison Rosen]

Crying my eyes out. All right, I need to shave tomorrow. In about nine hours you gotta be done. Geez, nine hours.

[Dana Gould]

Quit rushing me.

[Alison Rosen]

I'll tense up if you keep talking and then nothing will happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he needs a relaxed environment.

[Alison Rosen]

There's stuff you do, you know, Gary, you know, I call Gary. I call him Halftar. There's Gary Fulltar and then there's Halftar and stuff like that. And I really don't know if Gary goes back and goes like, oh, man, that really feels. And if he ever got into, you know, look, if he got into a court situation, you're reading the transcripts, it'd be like, oh, he was being bullied by. And so we kept it internal. Like, I would do horrible things to Ray and Chris, and we'd beat the shit out of each other, and we'd humiliate each other, and we'd do all that stuff to each other. We'd beat the shit out of each other. It's the one thing people have to realize. They think jocks go around looking for nerds to beat up. Jocks beat up on jocks. They're basically the rams that are doing battle, you know, thinking they're gonna be the alpha jock. They're not looking for the crippled little sheep and trying to run it over at their horns. So I got the shit kicked out of me. You as much. But I never took it as anything. It's kind of how you take it. So I think a lot of bullying, if you break it down, it's not even really bullying. It's I'm. When you're. Fuck. When you're 15, 16, 17, and you're a dude, all you want to do is fuck with other dudes. That's all you want to do. Like, we had a friend named Tom, and we had him convinced he had a secret in my admirer. And we had girls calling him and doing the voice, and he would come brag to us and, like, we would record his conversations, and it was like the biggest thing in the world to us.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's very prank puppets.

[Alison Rosen]

It's incredibly. It could be incredibly hurtful, depending on how you took it. Or even.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he your friend?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, he was our friend. He was our good friend. And we did. We did horrible things to one another. Like, that's what we would do. Now, it wasn't. We never thought in terms of, let's go bully Tom. We went. We thought, wouldn't it be funny if. And these guys, you know, if you parked your car out front of whatever, they'd piss all over your car. Like, when I used to work construction, they'd take a bunch of joint compound, a bunch of drywall compound, and they put it in your back. Back, your back satchel there. And then some guy'd go, like, hand me that T square. And you'd reach back to grab your T square and you'd grab a handful of joint compound there. One guy had a. One guy had like a kill switch in his car, like between, you know, down under the seat, like you cut the switch. Somebody put a bunch of joint compound down there. So that when the guy reached down.

[Adam Carolla]

And I kind of think this is all funny.

[Alison Rosen]

Who else has got some stories? I do two or you could. I mean, I got. When we went to Tijuana, I bought like a sombrero and it was like my prized possession. And I was like, I got my sombrero and I got my tequila and we're gonna party on the beach in Tijuana. We're in Baja. And at some point it was sitting like 20ft away from me. Someone's like, hey, what do you got your sombreros over there? How to get over there? And I was like, I don't know. And I got up, started walking, I went. And it blew up because they put like an M200 under it.

[Adam Carolla]

Could I hear more about that in the audiobook?

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, you could, Absolutely could. We fucked with each other constantly. Yes. The whole Tijuana chapter 24 minutes long will be given to you gratis, by the way, if you buy the book. But you got to pre order the book. But we did nothing but fuck with each other constantly. But no one called it bullying. If you read the transcripts, it would look a lot like bullying. And there is genuine bullying, but then there's genuine. There's genuine when 15 year old dudes fuck with other 15 year old dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

So the takeaway is keep really good records, you guys.

[Alison Rosen]

And the notion of like a camera in your laptop or something like that would have made every single time somebody threw a party and even at weddings. And they did the thing where they put the cameras out on the table, whatever. Or even if it wasn't just somebody sweet 16 or something, they would go develop the film and there'd be a bunch of pictures of people with their arms around each other. And then one picture of Ray's balls up close. Because he'd go into the bathroom and he'd take a nice shot of his balls and then he'd go put. There's a picture of possibly Ray, possibly someone else's balls. From my friend, that's my friend Liz from her party. Now, Liz Taut Liz could look at that and be horrified and have to go into therapy and go, this is an attack. And I, you know, and there's definitely a version where she could go, I can't trust anymore. I'm scared to leave things around. I'm scared that first off, I feel sexually violated. So on and so forth. Or there's a part where she could laugh it off. They didn't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

The balls in the 70s. Bracelets made out of embroidery floss.

[Alison Rosen]

Mm. Not me. But we could think 80s. We could, we could. Somebody could get really bent out of shape about that. And also, if Barbara Walters was interviewing Liz, and Liz could say she feel threatened. She could also say that she's unable to have relations with men now because she now feels sexually threatened and all that kind of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone tried to take a picture of us and I freaked out.

[Alison Rosen]

Right. But if you ask my friends, all they were doing was fucking around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

They were not bullying.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a question of whether it's actually mean spirited, whether you're actually trying to cause harm or whether it's.

[Alison Rosen]

Some of it is mean spirited, but that's also to try to get a reaction out of the person. It's also to fuck with the person. And I've done that my whole life. And so did everyone else I grew up with. And that's what we did. So none of these stories bother me. I don't know why. I mean, I could keep going. I'm not gonna keep going.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You know why you shouldn't keep going? Because we need to talk about Kathie Lee and her gap this morning when she interviewed Martin Short. And let's just play it.

[Alison Rosen]

He and Nancy have gotten one of the greatest marriages of anybody in show business.

[Adam Carolla]

How many years now for you guys?

[Alison Rosen]

We married 36 years.

[Adam Carolla]

But you're still, like, in love.

[Alison Rosen]

Madly in love. Madly. Why Cute. I'm cute. Yes, that is true.

[Adam Carolla]

And you make each other laugh. Right, guys, before we go on, Martin.

[Alison Rosen]

Just told me as he was leaving, he said, kathy, you probably didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

But his beautiful, precious wife Nancy did.

[Alison Rosen]

Pass away a year and a half ago of ovarian cancer. And I feel so badly. But he said Kathy, he said at her funeral, Mike Nichols said, just keep the conversation going. And the way he was speaking of her sounded like he said he had.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the great marriages. And at the end, he told you, I still do. Yeah, I still do.

[Alison Rosen]

So my apologies to him and his.

[Adam Carolla]

Family for not realizing that. But he's still.

[Alison Rosen]

He's one of the greatest guys ever. Ever. So sorry about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Jen, it's time for today.

[Alison Rosen]

First off, this is Martin Short's fault. He shouldn't have Said anything, I wouldn't have said anything. But also, it's like if I was a woman and anyone ever thought I was pregnant and they're not, I don't know why they ever say anything to the stranger in the elevator, because who's the joke on? And I know this is the kind of thing that they would have found out about. Someone would have called in or someone would have done something. Still would have been funny. I mean, if I were Martin Short, I would.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you would have gone along with it. You never would have set her straight.

[Alison Rosen]

For two reasons. One, why. You know what I mean? Like, let her just fuck it. And two, that is the most uncomfortable thing in the world, that correcting of somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm surprised in the moment he went along with it.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, it was a thing.

[Bald Brian]

Is it improv for Alison?

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, I am. Not only that, but you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no situation where you should not. Yes.

[Alison Rosen]

And what happened was, is she did it in such a way that got him one foot in. And once you get that one foot in, it's hard to take the step back. So, like you guys, she did it in a way that sort of led him to believe that they. She may have known. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She didn't say, how long have you been married to your currently alive wife?

[Alison Rosen]

He sort of took a step in that could have been based on. Also, when you assume that people know things, you will take that first step in because whatever. But he took that step in and now he has to stop and step out. And there's that thing. It's that thing of, you know, when someone mispronounces your name or calls you a different name. Once I get called Alan, if I don't stop the very first time and go, excuse me, it's not Alan, it's Adam. Once you get into the second, third, and 15th time, you can't stop there.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's too late. I had that happen with a co worker who called me Andrea.

[Michael Madsen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And finally, because I had to, I was an editor and I was working on something that he had written, and I had to keep dealing with him, and finally I corrected him.

[Alison Rosen]

Him. Yes, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

He apologized, but it's super weird. And then he did it again.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, good. I like that, too. That's the best part.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't take.

[Alison Rosen]

It's weird for him. It's weird for you. And once you get down the road with it.

[Adam Carolla]

He introduced Andrea to someone else, and then I didn't know what to do.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, I. Listen, it couldn't happen to two greater gals because I did that show and I was fucking miserable. I was sleep deprived. And those two did not read my book and just decided it was some sort of, you know, the guy from the man show just went on some sort of misogynistic tear and they just did that. It's that dumb when people. Hoda's fairly dumb and what's her name? Kathy Lee. Kathy Lee is fairly dumb. But more importantly, they don't really have a sense of humor. And so when you're a little bit dim and you don't have a sense of humor, what you do is you try to work an angle and you try to work attitude. And they tried to work this. So you think us broads aren't as smart as you fellas. And they were coming up like this whole angle and instead of like just interviewing me and talking about the book, but clearly they weren't going to read the book. They were just going to read the title and then have a segment producer tell them a couple of controversial things that were in there. So they decided. They decided to sort of pick a. It's like every day is Halloween when you have no talent. You have to pick an outfit, you know, and you have to dress up as something because if you just go as yourself, everyone will go, you're not getting any candy. Yeah, that's kind of how they are. So they did the whole thing and it was like stilted and came across as weird. And I was sleep deprived and it just fucking sucked. It's so weird. Especially at that level. Like when you've been on TV a combined 41 years and that's all you can come up with. And you can't just interview someone as a comedian or as a personality, as an author or something. What did you do?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you just go along with it?

[Alison Rosen]

I just remember. I remember it was antagonistic and they were sort of coming at me. And I had. Had literally done two shows at Helium, I think, in Philadelphia. I'm such an idiot. The notion was, oh, we'll do two shows on Sunday night or whenever it was at Helium, Thursday night, whatever, in Philly, we'll do two shows. Then you'll sign like autographs or whatever. We'll walk a pretty good distance back to the hotel. And I remember us being in the lobby at like 12:45, 1:00 in the morning and saying, well, the train is literally a 4:30 train that goes from Philly to New York and then you're gonna do their show. Or you had A bunch of shows to do. So it was like. It was like 10 to 1. And it was like, we'll see everyone back in the lobby. And at 4. And I just didn't get any fucking sleep at all. And you know that. Zero. Like, just disoriented. When we got to New York, it was raining and dark, and it was hard to tell if it was nighttime or daytime or whatever. And this is them probably bugging the shit out of me.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of people do in this business, and they don't give credit to.

[Alison Rosen]

The people that give them the note. You know, that's what I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Called Ghost Riders.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you so angry? Why are you so fighting up Frankie?

[Alison Rosen]

I'm not. I just have one speed. I don't. That's enough. And the Ghost Riders. And I just love the. Anyway, it was just a shitty interview where they were like. You can tell. They didn't read one fucking word of the book. And their segment producers game a couple things, a couple hot button issues to kind of get things, you know? So it's all. Also, when you're fairly talentless, and especially when you don't have a sense of humor, you have to mix the. You have to understand these formats are all based on masking, hiding, and avoiding the fact that the hosts don't really have a sense of humor. Dana Gould came in here and sat down, and that's a guy with chops. They don't have chops. And in lieu of chops, you need controversy. You need to stir things up. You need those Hot Topic points, and that's what you do.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't see why you're picking on them, Adam. They seem like very nice ladies. They're doing okay. So the Coliseum, which is not only where the Trojans play football, where the Summer Olympics have been held twice, where JFK accepted the Democratic presidential nomination.

[Alison Rosen]

I was just looking at the Coliseum yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you watching the Gang bang girl number 32? Because that was filmed there.

[Alison Rosen]

I'm pissed off because I was in the Natural History Museum, which is right next door to the Coliseum, and I was on the second or third floor just sort of staring out the window at the Coliseum while this was going on. And I was staring at a stuffed wildebeest or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. 40 minutes of group sex were filmed on the gridiron. Now, this was in 2001. It was September 16, 2001. So I think it's great that tragedy did not stop their pursuit of a gang bang.

[Alison Rosen]

Also, it was one of the Few moments in time when I.

[Adam Carolla]

Your laughter had died.

[Alison Rosen]

I remember specifically, like going 90 miles an hour on the freeway somewhere right about September 11th, thinking for the first time ever, like, the LAPD has bigger fish to fry. Like it's normally a chicken shit ticket riding party. And this is like the. I remember thinking, I got like two, three days to speed and blow through four way stops without Allie, because I know they're fun.

[Bald Brian]

That's how you honored the fallen.

[Alison Rosen]

Hey, what more American way to honor the fallen than by taking your M3 with the cat back exhaust and the chip in it and letting that fucking horse run a little bit. But I remember thinking, this is the one time when you can go Omega man on the lapd. Like they're all down at the airport running into each other, and I'm gonna fucking open this baby up on the 101. So they took advantage of it too. And again, no more fitting tribute.

[Adam Carolla]

But the lights were on, so evidently some kind of high level manager allowed them to do this, but no one will.

[Alison Rosen]

Or the black guy from Rudy, Charles S. Dutton. Well, I'm saying he had keys.

[Bald Brian]

He obviously works there.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

So the star of the film, who goes by the name Mr. Marcus, I don't know if you're familiar with his work.

[Alison Rosen]

I know his wife, Mrs. Marcus. She's my funny kindergarten teacher.

[Adam Carolla]

He said, I was just in awe that we were at the Coliseum. I've made movies for about 20 years and I've done a lot of things, but that one really stands out. I mean, who gets to have sex on the Coliseum floor?

[Alison Rosen]

And they were down, like the 50 yard line. Like they're really down there, like on the track, I mean. Or were they in the end zone? End zone. We got to figure that out. And was it a gang bang gridiron.

[Adam Carolla]

Does that place it somewhere for you?

[Alison Rosen]

The turf? The field? Yeah. There's a big difference between, you know, that, you know, where they do the coin toss and, you know, 50 yard line and sort of off to the.

[Bald Brian]

Side, but still where the kickers warm up.

[Alison Rosen]

Pretty cool. Yeah, pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

And yes, it was a gang bang, Adam.

[Alison Rosen]

Mmm. Well, then I may watch it.

[Bald Brian]

Do you ever storm the field ever in an athletic event? The court, the field?

[Alison Rosen]

No, the closest I ever got to that was. Was, I think it was about three years ago. Somebody said to me, hey, you want to do the official coin toss at the UCLA USC game? And I was like, yeah, that sounds like. That sounds like fun. So I was down on the field and it was like, you know, 20 minutes before the game, and I was walking around the sideline. It was great because you smell the grass and it has, you know, band and the whole thing. And I remember getting some balls and doing some long snapping. It's what I always do. And then we walked out onto the field with the referees and with the captains, and I did this sort of thing where I was sort of standing there and they said, all right, Mr. So and so, Ms. So and so. And then the ref, like, flipped the coin while I was standing there, and then someone told me to get out of the way. And before you know it, I was being shuffled to one side. And so you actually didn't get to toss the coin? Not. Not at all. Not at all.

[Bald Brian]

I tossed a ceremonial coin.

[Alison Rosen]

We were talking about adults and their jobs. It seemed like a half hour ago. A lot of that goes on. Like, a lot of you. Somebody said, do you want to toss the coin? But that was not at all conveyed to the referees or the team captains or any of the other nine people that are on the field with me. So I started to get sort of pushed along with them, and I got pushed along, and then I got, like, shooed by the referee. Well, I'll put it to you this way. Almost every red carpet I've ever done or every backstage pass laminate, you know, announce, like, hey, you're going to go out on stage at Irvine Meadows and you're going to bring. You're going to bring out Green Day. There's been a dude standing backstage telling me to go away. And just about every red carpet I've ever walked down, there's been that guy's semi retarded cousin in a slightly bigger windbreaker standing at the end of the red carpet telling me to hit the brick. And many times, and usually only because my wife has told me, oh, no, you have to go in. My impulse is always go, I'll go, fine, I'm getting back in the car and I'll just leave. And then later on when they call confused or fucked up, go, where were you? I'll go. I went to the thing, and the guy told me to get lost. That's how we work things for the most part. Like the lowest common denominator dude, the $12 an hour dude. The dude, he is not only dark, but in the the dark, and has no fucking idea who you are. And nobody told him, hey, there's a guy who's going to be out. That's all taken place at the upper level management side. But the dude, like, the guy the troops with their boots on the field. Those guys just see you as guy don't recognize from basic cable, which I don't own. I don't know what you're doing here, but beat it. That guy somehow never gets the message. It's a lot like the guy who works the booth to get you onto the lot on whatever, whatever, any studio you ever go to. Like, Jim, I'm here to see Jimmy Kimmel. Who? Jimmy. He's in it. Who? No, you're not on the list, by the way. These guys can't read. But if they could read, they still don't look at the list long enough to find your name.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a paper that has a big N and a big O on it, right?

[Bald Brian]

The information never trickles down, ironically, to the people who need it the most, the most unimportant people or who are actually the most important.

[Alison Rosen]

It's the most fucked up thing in the world. Like, they literally go, here's the red carpet for whatever the event is. We will take a huge guy who suffered a lot of head trauma, and we'll put him at the very end and we'll give him the instructions not to let anyone pass. And we don't really give him the instructions that go, there's gonna be a bunch of celebrities. Here are pictures of celebrities with their names. See if it coincide with the person who comes up to you. They don't really do that. It's just like the guy just be like, you got a laminate? And it'd be like, no. Ivan said, okay, well, you gotta go around and get. Go to the back of the building, get in line with everyone. And I never go, do you know who I am? Because now obviously they don't know who you are. And it's gonna be a kerfuffle. And I just go, fuck it, I'll just leave. And that's what happens nine out of 10 times.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when someone asks why you weren't somewhere and you explain it, do you end up getting an apology or what is the attitude you're greeted with when you explain why you left?

[Alison Rosen]

The last time this happened or the time I can remember it happened is when I was booked to do the soup, and I went to go do the soup, which is in the building that's down the street or really almost across the street from KLSX where we used to work and across the courtyard from the family guy, Seth MacFarlane's building. And I know how the soup goes. You go down there and there's some kind of. There's a little kiosky sort of glass office and they got Ryan Seacrest up on the plasma there. And then you go in and I said to the guy, I'm here to do the soup. And he's like, who are you here to see? And I said, I don't know the person's name. I'm just, I'm supposed to be on the soup. Well, I need a name. And I said, well, I don't have a name. I'm just. I'm here to be the guest on the soup. If you don't have a name, you know, I said, well, why don't you call up and tell them the guest is here? Well, if I don't have a name, then what can I do? This guy, by the way, I'm doing a black guy. This was a big block headed Mexican guy guy. And we've taken the stupidest people on the planet.

[Adam Carolla]

Thought he was Samoan.

[Alison Rosen]

Sorry, could have been. We've taken the stupidest blockheaded people on the planet and we've made them the tip of the spear. Like I've said. So he's sitting there, he's stupid, he's full of attitude, and he has no iq and his job is to not let people come in and butt Fuck Joe McHale. That's his marching orders. As actually, I'm a hermaphrodite. Ironically, his marching orders is sit there and don't move. So he said, well, I need a name. And I said, I don't know the name of the producer or the person that told me to come down here. I'm just a guest on the show. So if you call up to the soup and somebody answers the phone, I need a name. I said, you know what? Then that's fine. I'll just wait here until that person comes down. And then he just watched me wait for like half an hour. And the segment showed him. Segment producer, never came down. And at a certain point I walked up to him again and I said, listen to me, I'm a guest on this show. If I don't. And I like it, by the way, there's nothing better than a super retarded stance. Like, I'm gonna dig in on Mount Retard. I'm gonna fucking dig in like we're the Japanese protecting an island. Except for there's nothing on the island but you and a dunce cap. And I'm gonna dig in.

[Bald Brian]

And I said, black sands of Mount Retard.

[Alison Rosen]

Black sands, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I Would like to get there one day.

[Alison Rosen]

So I said, look, I'm a guest on the show. I need a name. I said, okay, I'll tell you what, then I'm gonna leave, okay? And at some point, somebody's gonna come down looking for me. And you can tell them that I left. And you can tell them it's because you didn't call up. And he said, yeah, go ahead. I left and I was driving home, and like 20 minutes later, Joel McHale called me on my cell phone. And he was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I was like, oh, no, I don't blame Joel McHale. We employ people to man. To man the post. Like you. You be the fucking tip of the smear. You. You be the lead. You. You be the face of. Of E Television. That's who I want you to be. The super retarded guy. You. You blockhead with the ged. You be the first person everyone sees and the last person everyone sees at night. And you be the gatekeeper. Imagine these guys, they're fucking Saint Peter. Be like, mother who? Mother Teresa. I don't know that name. And he pull the fucking lever and you go right down to hell. That's how it would work. You're not on my list. But you haven't even looked. Whoop. Pull the lever.

[Bald Brian]

Who was that? Some guy named Gandhi.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, he had a. He was wearing pajamas. See?

[Michael Madsen]

See?

[Alison Rosen]

A pajama boy. That's right. That'd be it. Your Funky Frames.

[Adam Carolla]

Bald diaper man.

[Alison Rosen]

Right? So that guy. That was the last time it happened. I just left. I was booked to do the show and the soup, and I left because retard, douchebag, Diggin douchebag wouldn't pick up the phone and call. Now, there's a way to do it, which is like, normally I need a name, but I can call up and get the general operator and ask them to speak to so and so who, you know, does the booking over there, and she'll probably clear. But it was like, leave me alone. Fuck off. That's all it was. And I could have done a thing where I sort of went berserk on the dude, but my whole thing is, why should I have to. Why don't you just do your fucking job? Like, do I have to really go? Like, hey, Joel McHale is personal friend of mine, and when I do get up there, I'm gonna tell them all about you and I'll make sure you get fired. So tell me your name. I could have done something and probably threatened him enough to do it. But why should I?

[Adam Carolla]

Plus, those appearances, to a degree, it's sort of. Well, let me ask. Are you doing them a favor in a sense?

[Alison Rosen]

You know, it sort of depends who you are, and not only who you are, but at what stage you're at in your career. For me, it sucked because I don't live anywhere near the soup. It was kind of a long haul for me to wait around for 45 minutes and then turn around and go home. But Joel and I are friends, and I like him and I like the show, and I wanted to do him a solid. And it was. I don't know, it wasn't a who's there more in it for? It was just more. Joel's a friend of mine. He does my show. I'll do his show. This is fine. But also, I'm not going to dance for this retard. Like, that's the whole thing. Like, I'm not going to fucking prove to him who I am. I'm telling him what to do. I'm explaining to him how it works works. And he could pick up the phone, which is right next to him, and he's perfectly content with me saying, all right, now I'm going to go home and okay, see you later. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like he doesn't know what they do in that building.

[Alison Rosen]

It is a weird thing because every day or every other day or five times or whatever X amount a month, they shoot a show on that third floor and guests come in to be guests on said show. Is there something that's finer point on it?

[Adam Carolla]

When a Kardashian walks in, does that person know the name?

[Alison Rosen]

I don't know. Like, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I doubt it.

[Alison Rosen]

I really don't know who they know and who they don't know. All I know is there should be some sort of protocol, and the protocol shouldn't be beat it. So when I was doing the coin flip, everybody who wasn't on the field knives. I was there to do the coin flip. But everyone on the field had no idea. And all they thought was some dude walked out with them and they were sort of like, hey, hit the bricks. And the folks. Now, obviously, when all the privates do the raping and the pillaging of the village, it's the general that gets into trouble. And he should, because ultimately it's his fault for not knowing he's employing retarded people. Like, somebody needs to know. Segment producer, Booker, whoever is, needs to know that they have one of the heads from Easter island down there manning the fucking phone and that they better fucking go down there with their Sullivan book worth of instructions and lay it out to them, which is if somebody comes up and somebody says they're a guest on the show, call this number. Even if you don't recognize the person or their name, feel free to. Yes, it's their fault for not essentially. You know, you essentially become a zookeeper and it becomes your fault. Okay, thank you. Where were we?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt. Dana Gould would never do what you're doing right now, Allison.

[Alison Rosen]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, man. What the hell name is that? Securian. Hey, line one. Did I punch this guy up? He's been on hold for a million years. It's. How do you say your name? Name? Sacron.

[Christian Madsen]

Yep.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay. Write things phonetically. I'll never be able to fucking figure that one out.

[Christian Madsen]

Yeah, I'm not in your demo. I'm 15, Indian, and from Montrose.

[Alison Rosen]

Mm. So you're just graduating med school now? Yeah, a little behind. Parents disappoint.

[Christian Madsen]

Yeah, a little behind. Actually, a lot. But a couple things. I just like to say that you guys are doing a really, really good job. Almost everything you say is right.

[Alison Rosen]

Thank you. Oh, man. Wait a minute. I used to live in La Canada. No, wait, I used to live in La Crescenta.

[Christian Madsen]

Yep.

[Alison Rosen]

And you're in the Montrose area.

[Christian Madsen]

Yep. I live there.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Is that Honolulu Boulevard? What goes through the middle of that place?

[Christian Madsen]

Yeah, Foothill. Honolulu.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, Foothill. But underneath that, where all the cool little cafes are and everything. This is amazing. Yeah. So the one I'm mention there, buddy, Maybe we do got a dome engine on our. Hey, do people do the Eastern Indian? They don't go Indian, do they? Huh. Interesting. They could.

[Bald Brian]

Not Native American, right?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, it is. Yeah. I'm just wondering.

[Bald Brian]

It could in a pinch.

[Dana Gould]

It'll work.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes. You're out of racial epithets and you had to do something. All right, so sorry. Where were we?

[Christian Madsen]

No, another little thing is I got turned on to the podcast, actually, almost exactly a year ago, and I started off with Dana Gould and.

[Alison Rosen]

Who?

[Christian Madsen]

Hauser. So.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, perfect. So now, are you. Are you. Are you in the 10th grade?

[Christian Madsen]

Yes.

[Alison Rosen]

Mm. Do you get bullied? No, I don't think you can bully. I think you have to bully. Have to bully white people now because it becomes a hate crime. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they tell you that.

[Christian Madsen]

So it's pretty funny.

[Alison Rosen]

Your school's Armenian?

[Christian Madsen]

Yep.

[Alison Rosen]

Gotta be weird walking around with a bunch of 15 and 16 year olds with full beards and back hair.

[Christian Madsen]

Pretty funny, actually. Yeah, you're right.

[Alison Rosen]

Smelling of Aqua Velva. That's right. Yelling no all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting turned on.

[Alison Rosen]

Smelling of axe.

[Bald Brian]

I technically own the school, actually on the land the school's built on.

[Alison Rosen]

Driving Range Rovers from class to class with 22 inch rims on them, lots of jewelry. Yeah.

[Christian Madsen]

Parking lot.

[Alison Rosen]

A lot of hairy dudes. Mm.

[Christian Madsen]

You always talk about how Pop Warner helped you a lot and taught you that you don't need to be the main guy to make a difference. And I'd just like to ask you if you're gonna turn your son on to Boy Scouts.

[Alison Rosen]

I was just a waste of my time. I was. Now, now listen, I'm gonna go back and use a word. They don't let you use any. We've decided it's not a good idea. But back in the day when I was 10, I remember saying when someone bring up either GI Joes or boy Scouts, I'd be like, that's for facts. That was my approach. I don't know why, but it just.

[Bald Brian]

Well, technically that is true.

[Alison Rosen]

It just didn't seem like a great plan to me. But here's the thing. I've realized this quite a bit. I was just talking to Michael lynch about this. You have little to no control over your kids. Here's what you can do. Don't ruin them. All you can do is fuck them up. You can't make them great, you can't make them smart. You can't make them into anything. You can just not fuck them up. That's really what I've learned. You can't. My son is interested in dinosaur bones. He's not interested in sports. All I can do is not fuck him up. That's all I can do. I'm not going to get him more interested in baseball than he is in T. Rex, but bones. So if he wants to do Boy Scouts, he's in. You know, I have no, no problem with that. I don't. I'm having trouble getting him to do anything. I think those days, that bell has been rung. In our society. There's no more of like, listen, you're going to study the piano, you know, two hours a day, and then it's off to. And then it's off to Latin class. Like that's. It's done. He's got an ice. Got an iPad in his lap and he's playing Angry Birds and he's Doing what he wants and it's done. Not going to get him to do what I will get him to do is stuff that he has some interest in or some. In some capacity, has some leanings toward. But I don't think I'm going to get like, listen, your daddy's into football and he's in the vintage Datsuns now. Come on, that ain't going to work. What are you into? Sacred. Whatever your name is.

[Christian Madsen]

Don't worry about it. No one should pronounce my name. I'm actually interested in robotics.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, he's gonna have a girlfriend. By hook or by crush. Build one, put him on hold because it's got a bad line there. Yeah. Say crown.

[Christian Madsen]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Interested in robot robotics? Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Sacron sounds like a Transformer.

[Alison Rosen]

That's the future. Yeah. Sacron.

[Christian Madsen]

That'd be an option if I was one. I wish I had the mechanism.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay.

[Christian Madsen]

Yeah. And I've also another quick question. Have you heard of Earth?

[Alison Rosen]

Do they have a Transformer with a bad teenage mustache? No.

[Bald Brian]

There must have been one at some point.

[Alison Rosen]

Chocolate milk. A Lipathon. Tron. Yes, go ahead. Sikhron.

[Christian Madsen]

Yeah, I'm wondering if you've heard of First.

[Alison Rosen]

First.

[Christian Madsen]

First. Yeah. For the inspiration recognition of science and technology.

[Alison Rosen]

Ooh, I like that it's called you acronym there. I like that. Yeah.

[Christian Madsen]

So it started by this guy named Dean Kamen. He invented the Segway and Superman.

[Alison Rosen]

No, different Dean.

[Adam Carolla]

You're that nerd.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't like this. I don't like those programs. Ever since I was devastated by headstones, I said, oh, sign me up. This is going to be good. Start undoing my pants and talk about.

[Bald Brian]

The old bait and switch.

[Alison Rosen]

Turned out to be really disappointing. Sorry, what's that? Sacron, what should we do?

[Christian Madsen]

I mean, it's actually the real deal. You learn to make a robot and you actually make a robot in six weeks with a team.

[Alison Rosen]

I want BattleBots to come back to the air. Is that how you.

[Christian Madsen]

Yes. It's actually almost the same as BattleBots, except I mean, everyone thinks it's BattleBots, but for high school students, I like that. And you get like a game every year that you need to make a maker robot to play. And it feels like basketball.

[Alison Rosen]

Nice to. Basketball. I love that. And it's such. It's so great. Like, I love those. I love when they do those things where this whole class gets together and like makes a car that's solar powered. That's gonna. The whole challenge is to see who can get from LA to Nevada without Ever firing a pist up on internal combustion. I love those things. I think you can make a movie out of it at some point. But very inspiring. I love those kind of things. And I miss me some battlebots. And I just heard about robotic basically worms that they're going to send into your body to take care of what ails you. And they're doing it now.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you get them from eating robotic sushi?

[Alison Rosen]

That's right. If you eat bad robotic tuna, you'll get it. They're now done through tethers, but they're talking about one day just, you know, letting them run. Oh boy, nanobots. That's gonna turn into something good. Caroline's 14th through the 16th, five shows. Dagaroni.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yay.

[Alison Rosen]

Shot me a tweet the other night that said he's gonna be in New York City probably picking up one of his Tonys and said he wants to come out to Caroline's.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good. Get him a good seat.

[Alison Rosen]

That's what I told him. I mean, he'll be in the negro section, but lily up toward the front of the negro section. I told him rules are rules. Daggeroni will be joining us for one of those shows and it'll be a star studded affair. Mike August has outdone himself in the booking department. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla, Verdana Gould, Allison Rosen and Bald Brian saying mahalo if you like Roller coasters, motherfucker.

[Giovanni]

All right, there was Adam Krilla, show 835. Coming up next is Adam Carilla, 836 featuring Michael Madsen, his son Christian Madsen, Allison Rosen and Brian bishop, also from 2012. In light of Michael's recent passing, it felt important to play this episode. It's really good. He's hilarious. His son Christian's great as well. There was kind of this thing that would happen on the ACS when time to time where a famous actor or somebody involved in some other industry would come on the show, but then they'd bring their adult son who happened to be involved in some level of entertainment or that industry or just want a fan and just wanted to come on the show. Nick Cage has done it. Michael Madsen, Ed Asner, List goes on and on. Michael's a really great guest. Crazy impressions, crazy stories. One of the most legendary episodes in ACS history. We played a chunk of it before of him doing his Nick Nolte impression and classics, but never the full episode. So in honor of his passing, ADAM Carolla Show 836 Rest in Peace.

[Alison Rosen]

Michael, Good day. Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Alison Rosen]

Good day. Bold Brian.

[Dana Gould]

You like roller coasters, motherfucker?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Michael Matson and son Christian, Good to see you. Good to see you.

[Michael Madsen]

That's wine country, isn't it?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah, it's good. They got a good racetrack out there and they got good wine.

[Michael Madsen]

And are you going to race or are you going to drink?

[Alison Rosen]

I'm going to drink and race. The hardest thing about racing is not drinking before you race because you're staying around a track all day. And when's the last time you stood around a track all day without a couple of cold ones?

[Michael Madsen]

Exactly.

[Alison Rosen]

And seriously, if your race is at three or four in the afternoon and you get there at noon, you just walk around. All you want is a beer all day. Like you never felt more like an alcoholic in your life.

[Michael Madsen]

You could probably have one. You'd be all right.

[Alison Rosen]

You know, I hate to admit it.

[Adam Carolla]

They'Re not going to pull you over.

[Alison Rosen]

Every once in a while.

[Michael Madsen]

There's no dwi.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Michael is here talking about a new film called Lucy's. I got that right.

[Michael Madsen]

Well, I actually came on because you're a great gentleman and you've always been kind to me and I wanted to introduce my son.

[Alison Rosen]

I. Nice to meet you, Christian. Nice to meet you. He must be. Exactly. Unfortunately, Michael, I probably. Well, I probably met. Reservoir Dogs is where I first knew Michael, by the way. You did Straight Talk and Reservoir Dogs in the same year, which is insane. That was at Dolly Parton. That was one of those movies where here's how you get into radio, like everyone's. It was the most devastating thing to me in the world because I've been in radio for 15 years and I never had that scene where everyone was sitting at the bus stop listening to me and construction workers were going, are you listening to Adam? And the whole town was taking over. Never happened one time, but Reservoir Dogs is where probably. I became a big fan of Michael Manson and you guys probably Thelma Louise. The Doors. I always forget about the Doors. The natural. Forgot about that. Kill Bill 1 and 2. Michael, speaking of your son, this is a good time topic. Christian, how's it going over there? Good. How's the acting going? It's going okay. Trying everything I can. Is. Is the Matson name. Is that opening doors for you? Cuz, you know, slamming him shut.

[Dana Gould]

It's.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. You got a whole family.

[Michael Madsen]

I thought it would change his name, but he won't.

[Alison Rosen]

No. I mean, it helps to have the last name, but I also Want to try and do it on my own, you know, not just say, hey, I'm the son and that sort of thing.

[Michael Madsen]

The Michael Douglas.

[Alison Rosen]

Change your last name to Cage. That'll work. Yeah, from Coppola to Cage would help a little bit. Yeah. Michael Cage. Yeah, it works just fine.

[Bald Brian]

Christian Cage.

[Michael Madsen]

Christian Cage.

[Alison Rosen]

Christian Cage, actor.

[Michael Madsen]

His middle name is James. He was born on James Dean's birthday.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, James Cage.

[Michael Madsen]

And so I thought he could be Christian James, or I could go with your middle name.

[Alison Rosen]

Like Lake could help out a little bit. James Cage. I would hire that guy sight unseen. Well, speaking of sons, now listen to this. Michael, you're not gonna like this. Michael's got a book called American Badass. My daughter came home the other day, yesterday, as a matter of fact, with the heart. With the pink half a heart. And she mentioned, you know, her friend at school, she's six, Dakota, or whoever, has the other half of the pink heart. And I have twins. And so I jokingly said to my son, well, what about when you have one of your bestest friends? Where's your half a heart? And they both looked at me and said, oh, they got them. Yeah, they have blue ones. They said they have blue half a heart ones for dudes. Oh, yeah. And then they specified light blue. And I thought they have half. Light blue, half a heart. Bestest pal, Halsey things for boys. And I just thought it would be half a football.

[Adam Carolla]

Should be gonna make them for boys and girls.

[Alison Rosen]

Half a beer keg, half a karate ghee, half a hoagie, half a paddle, like a fraternity paddle. Half a vagina. Like half of anything other than a heart.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe not half a vagina.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, maybe you're right, because that would be red. Well, first off, it'd be a liver. It'd be a tough read.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Alison Rosen]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

What is that? Is that a pea pod?

[Alison Rosen]

Is that a crescent moon? What is that? Yeah, it's half a cunt.

[Michael Madsen]

You can use it as an insult, you half a cunt. You're nothing but a half a cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're just starting to just half cunt. Half cunt.

[Alison Rosen]

Sounds like a horrible Cher song.

[Adam Carolla]

Or a short bitch.

[Michael Madsen]

I call you a cunt, but you're basically a half a cunt.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I like half a cunt.

[Michael Madsen]

Still like you.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, if you worked really hard, you'd work up to full cunt. But you're not even at full cunt.

[Michael Madsen]

You're heading towards full cunt, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen here, quarter cunt. That'd be like a native American.

[Alison Rosen]

When I worked.

[Michael Madsen]

Each day you get closer.

[Alison Rosen]

When I worked construction, we always had glorified goompers. I don't know why. Construction was always the good. Always good. It's good. It's full of guys that have a limited vocabulary but want to be dependent meaning. So it's kind of tough. But they mean the two best ones were, yeah, goomper. This guy's a glorified goomper. And the one that always. I always enjoyed, which is when the guy yelled, we got a dime holding up a dollar. I don't know. Whenever there was some goomper that was going to get a tool and a guy that was making 15 bucks an hour standing around, it was, we got a dime holding up a dollar. But I like half a cup now.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, I could use that. Be a new one. Last time I was on your show, you asked me if I wanted to be your co host and I said, yeah, I should have taken that job. Yeah. Still open. I'll do it.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm only half a cunt.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So there's room.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. And between the two of you, I feel you're like full cunt. You're a regular capacity. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Regular half cunt. Right here.

[Michael Madsen]

Remember I asked you earlier, what's it like being a girl around here?

[Adam Carolla]

I said it was lonely. I said there was another one. He asked me, she couldn't take it and I said no, she left on her own accord.

[Alison Rosen]

I'll give.

[Adam Carolla]

It's basically if you need a tampon, you're fucked.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

Wow. Next time I come over, I'll bring you a box.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Alison Rosen]

I usually keep one in my sock, you know, just. Just in case of emergency. That's my derringer. They're unwrapped in case someone's cheating. When we're playing cards, I reach for my boot. All right, where the hell object for throwing were we? So now what do you guys. What do you guys do first off? Christian, you. You at home, you out, you living on your own? Yeah, yeah, I live on my own. You're doing your own thing. And Michael, aren't you out in some beach city?

[Michael Madsen]

I'm in Malibu. I've been there for 14 years.

[Alison Rosen]

That's nice.

[Michael Madsen]

I like Malibu. It's changed a lot, though. It used to be kind of laid back and really out of the way and now they're building Walmarts and it's getting a bit overcrowded. In the holidays they have that Whole Foods. It is the same anymore.

[Alison Rosen]

It is Weird when you go. If you drive through like Point Doom. Yeah, that's that. That's that land mass that just sort of jets out into the Pacific Ocean. About a mile and a half, you'll see some old time shacks. Like, you'll see some old school 50s places where just school teachers hung out. Like back in the day. It wasn't all super high price real estate back in the day. As a matter of fact, it used to be kind of, in a weird way, Malibu and beachfront property and even property in the hills is sort of like what lobster probably was 150 years ago. Let the Negroes eat it, you know what I mean? Like give it to the slaves. It wasn't considered a delicacy. Like living out by the beach was no big whoop. You wanted to live in LA or downtown or Beverly Hills or the beach was like, weird.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how New York is. That was a weird thing to adjust.

[Alison Rosen]

You want to be in the center, right.

[Michael Madsen]

Everybody wants to come down there on the holidays. And basically they turn Malibu into a gigantic parking lot.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

People are getting run over and everyone's crashing into each other. And there's ambulances and fire trucks going up and down Pacific coast highway all day. And I just stay home.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, but everyone's fully insured over there, which is good. And Pacific coast highway mostly in the.

[Michael Madsen]

West, the ones from out of town. I don't know about the insurance.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, I gotta tell you, you wanna.

[Michael Madsen]

Talk about crushing to me? I guess I am rich.

[Alison Rosen]

White guy fund. Phil Rosenthal invited me over because he said he got a house out there for the summer. Like one of those colony houses.

[Bald Brian]

This is a summer house.

[Alison Rosen]

This is a summer house. Yeah, that's how he sounds.

[Michael Madsen]

You.

[Alison Rosen]

And he's got. He's the Jewish man alive. And they're putting on a fireworks display, which means you gotta barge. Like. Like, I think all the rich people go in on the barge. How does that work? Are you.

[Michael Madsen]

Do you see the fireworks every year? Usually somebody buys the barge. It costs 100 grand for the barge. The first couple years it was out there. I know that it was. Danny DeVito was dropping the dime for that thing.

[Alison Rosen]

He bought the barge. Well, he bought a barge.

[Michael Madsen]

You rent the barge. You rent the barge. And it costs like a lot of money to put the fireworks on it. And they send it out. It's about a mile offshore. And everybody on Broad beach and all of Malibu can get a great fireworks show. And I heard that Mel Gibson did it one year. And. But being like they Kind of. I think Whoopi Goldberg did it one time. I heard you. Did she drop the money?

[Alison Rosen]

100 grand? Like, wouldn't you? Kind of. I would send one of my lackeys with a basket to, like, walk up and down the beach, you know? Hey, come on. Come on, now. 20 bucks here. A little tithing. Are you enjoying it or not? I see you looking up, Dick.

[Bald Brian]

You and your kids look like you're having a good time over there.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, I'm good friends with Nick Nolte, and he usually comes by my house with a great big roll of firecrackers. And I used to get stuff from American Soldier magazine or Soldier of Fortune magazine. They used to ups me fireworks. But, you know, now after 9, 11, I can't get them anymore.

[Alison Rosen]

Hold on. I want to get into this for a second.

[Michael Madsen]

Rockets and all kind of good stuff first, though. You can't do them anymore.

[Alison Rosen]

Do you and Nick Nolte have some sort of gravelly voice off?

[Michael Madsen]

Jesus Christ, man. Tonight I brought some firecrackers over here. God damn it. I'm gonna set them off whether you like it or not. God damn it.

[Alison Rosen]

Hey, you want to eat another cigarette?

[Michael Madsen]

Give me a Marlboro. Yeah, I need another one.

[Alison Rosen]

I made a. I made a smoothie out of gravel. Chewing it back on gravel, actually, in.

[Michael Madsen]

Paris one time, and he usually comes around the fourth of July.

[Alison Rosen]

No.

[Michael Madsen]

And my. Yeah, my wife calls me. She goes, michael. She goes, nick is here. And I said, well, honey, you know, I'm not home. I'm in Paris, for Christ's sake. And she goes, I know, but, you know, he just came over, like, he does. He'll just show up. And so I said, put him on the phone. And he's like, hey, Madsen, where the hell are you? What the are you doing? And I heard you're over in Paris. And I was, yeah, I'm in Paris, Nick. He goes, oh, well, you'd mind if I hang around for a while? And I said, well, all right, Nick, if you'd like to. And so my wife gets back on the phone, and she goes, you know, he's sitting outside, and he's wearing a dress.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow.

[Michael Madsen]

And I said, a dress? He goes, oh, no, it's not really a dress. It's like one of those wraparound things. And I said, put him back on the phone. So he's like, yeah. And I go, what the fuck? I said, what are you wearing something strange? He goes, no, no, no. I got these in India, and I'm gonna leave one for You. They're really great. You know, they're very comfortable, and I'll leave a few for you. And I said, okay, Nick, whatever. And my wife, she calls back like four hours later, and I says, is Nick still there? And she goes, yes, he's still here.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow. Outside.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

How do you show Nick Nolte the door? That's. That's a problem that most people, you know, aren't blessed with.

[Michael Madsen]

He's a wonderful guy, very good friend. You're going to be.

[Alison Rosen]

We're going to be looking at the same fireworks. But I really like, honestly. And there's a lot of folks that live in the colonies there, and they're, you know, 100 grand, even for rich guys, that's pretty big nut there.

[Michael Madsen]

That's a piece of change.

[Alison Rosen]

But if you got 20 guys, all the cost off, up five grand, I feel like that's more doable.

[Michael Madsen]

That would make more sense. Usually one person claims a credit for it every year. And you just hear this chatter on the beach of, who paid for the barge this year?

[Adam Carolla]

Do people who pay for it then adopt a new I paid for the barge attitude?

[Alison Rosen]

I would.

[Michael Madsen]

It gets a lot of, yeah, yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

So you'll be. So you. You're right in there, right off of PCH over there.

[Michael Madsen]

I used to be right on the sand, right next to Steve McQueen where he used to live once upon a time.

[Alison Rosen]

Sure.

[Michael Madsen]

But I moved out of that house because it was basically falling into the ocean, and my sons grew taller than me, which makes hugging very awkward. And their bedrooms were shrinking, and we had to get a different house with bigger bedrooms.

[Alison Rosen]

What about, let's see, where Suzanne Summers live. I know her house burnt down.

[Michael Madsen]

She was down by Pepperdine. I think her house was down there.

[Alison Rosen]

And then there's Cher's house. Boy, Cher's house.

[Michael Madsen]

You can't miss that one.

[Alison Rosen]

You can't miss Cher's house. That's what you call a compound. And God knows, with all the palm trees, God knows what she spent on that place. And she owned the land or something.

[Michael Madsen]

She bought the land. And then I guess what happened was holy. My first wife was her sister, actually. And so I know some things.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Michael Madsen]

I know some things about the family.

[Alison Rosen]

Cher had a sister.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, George. But anyway, she's remarried. She married security guard, but so she.

[Alison Rosen]

Landed on her feet.

[Michael Madsen]

She had the land, and I guess she had to develop the land to keep the land. And so that's why she built.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow.

[Michael Madsen]

Now she's got this beautiful place. There it is. My God.

[Alison Rosen]

She did A. She did a nice job over there. So wait a minute. Your first wife was Cher's sister?

[Michael Madsen]

It just.

[Alison Rosen]

Now, I know you don't want to say anything bad about Cher, but I.

[Michael Madsen]

Actually got a lot better with her than I did with my wife.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't think I feel like I've ever heard her name brought up. And Cher seems kind of family oriented. So was there some feud or rift or something? Because I feel like she'd be talking about her sister's jewelry line or something like that.

[Michael Madsen]

You don't want to be in the middle of that.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, there's something going on.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Interesting.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. You know, I don't know.

[Michael Madsen]

I'll tell you about it later.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay, well, let me. Let me just say this. I think if there's two boys, like, I don't know. I'm not sure how the, like the Baldwins feel about Alec Baldwin, for instance. They hate him. I'm sure they hate him. Okay, bad example. But they all. The rivalry, I think, between sisters has to be even stronger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Alison Rosen]

And even. Even there must be even more. More catty in a way.

[Adam Carolla]

More Cain and Abel than Cain and Abel.

[Alison Rosen]

Right. And one of. What was Cher's sister's name?

[Michael Madsen]

George Ann.

[Alison Rosen]

George Ann. See, if you said George Ann, you'd have to throw in a last name. But Cher, that's just Cher. She doesn't have that.

[Michael Madsen]

Right.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. So there's probably some bad blood there.

[Michael Madsen]

Well, Georgianne was on General Hospital like a soap opera when I met her. And then I guess she got kind of frustrated with her acting career. We were only married for two years, but there's a lot of. There was a lot of interesting politics in that family, is. Let's just say that.

[Alison Rosen]

And Cher's mom, I feel like, is a little bit nutty, too, for some reason.

[Michael Madsen]

She's. Yeah, yeah. She's a cuckoo bird.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. So. So sorry. The acting. Do you feel like acting is scary? Because no matter who you are, Almost no matter who you are, I feel like in a matter of 24 months, 30 months, you can just almost go back to zero. Like Francis Ford Coppola told me I couldn't make a movie in this town unless it was a. About gangsters. He was serious. Like, he said, they wouldn't let me just make a movie. I. Someone. They'd let someone else make a movie. Some young hot up and coming, whoever just made a blockbuster. He said I could make a movie, you know, about the Mafia, but that's about it. And I thought, this is Francis Ford Coppola telling me this. Do you feel that way? Do you feel like you have to constantly keep your stuff stock at a certain point because, you know, a couple years could go by and next thing you know, you're auditioning for. You wouldn't even look that five years ago.

[Michael Madsen]

My career is like a cardiogram, all right? You know, I've had really, really good high highs and low lows. It's. You have to keep reinventing yourself. There's no doubt about that. I did get kind of pigeonholed as a villain after a while, but, you know, I was the dad and Free Willy, Wyatt Earp. So I kind of balanced things out a little bit. I'd like to believe that I did, but I just wrote a new book, and Jerry Hopkins is going to write the forward for me. And he. He's the one that wrote the biography of Jim Morrison and of Elvis Presley. And he said to me, he lives in Thailand now, for obvious reasons, and he said he likes. I was talking to him, and I.

[Alison Rosen]

Go, dude, what's the obvious reason he likes that? Thailand likes the young girl.

[Michael Madsen]

The female, I think, is the attraction. And he said, you know, Hollywood is a place where you have to succeed, but all your friends have to fail.

[Alison Rosen]

Interesting.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, that was an interesting quote.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. So speaking of the Doors, and by the way, Jim Morrison, I love that goddamn movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Me, too.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, it was good.

[Alison Rosen]

You know why I like that movie so much? I walked out of that movie feeling high. Like, there's two things I wanted to do. First, I wanted to know more about the Doors, which is always a good thing. Like whenever you leave a movie and you go, I want to know more about whatever the subject is, or was it sort of inspires you a little bit. Like, I remember going, well, I knew about the Doors, but now I want to read a book about the Doors, or I want to get the best of, you know, CD compilation or whatever it is. And then secondly, I felt like I had a contact high from. From that whole movie. And I feel like Val Kilmer kind of got screwed with the Oscar on that. I felt like he was Jim Morrison. I never questioned it for a second. I didn't question the young one. I didn't question the old fat one with the beard. I didn't question any of them. There was just Jim Morrison.

[Michael Madsen]

Nobody else could have played that part, I don't think. I mean, he was wonderful in the movie. He looked like him and he moved like him, and he really. It was the best thing he's ever Done.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's saying as well, right?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, he sang as well.

[Michael Madsen]

No, you gotta give Val lot of credit for that. Not too many guys could get away with that.

[Alison Rosen]

If you're Val Kilmer and you don't get an Oscar for that, do you sort of feel like, well, that's it. Like, what do I got to do?

[Michael Madsen]

Well, that could go back to your definition of going from 100 to zero.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Jesus Christ.

[Michael Madsen]

It all ended with Batman, I suppose.

[Alison Rosen]

Now, what goes on? What goes on? The fourth of July over the Madsen house. They got a barbecue party.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah. Well, I have five sons, one stepson, so I like to include him in the scenario.

[Alison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Only one actor.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, well, there's two now. Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Sadly.

[Michael Madsen]

But I, you know. But he's read every book that I can think of about acting. He's seen every film that I've ever told him was worth watching. He auditioned for the Actor Studio. He's really done his homework and he's really. I'm very proud of him.

[Alison Rosen]

What films, what films are worth what watching? If you want to be an actor and you want to look at a performance.

[Michael Madsen]

One Night Jacks, directed by Marlon Brando. It's a western with Carl Malden. And you tell him, Christian, what you see.

[Alison Rosen]

I mean. Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

You like Last Tango, don't you?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, I like Marlon Brando a lot.

[Michael Madsen]

He studied James Dean quite a bit.

[Alison Rosen]

Okay. Just kidding. No, all the classic stuff. I really like Straight talk. Yeah. Toss in one of your dad's films.

[Michael Madsen]

They're real, by the way.

[Alison Rosen]

So now when you said going back to Soldier of Fortune magazine for just a second in the carefree days, pre 9 11, when you could order munitions and not get onto anyone's radar. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Before the laughter died.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, that's right. What did you do? Like when you're looking through Soldier Fortune and that back where you're going through the mercenary section and you get to the small arms and then the medium sized munitions stuff. What kind of stuff could you order that you could fire off from your beach in Malibu?

[Michael Madsen]

Back in the day, you could get big rockets, rockets mounted on a stick. They were about this big. The rocket was about that big. Around about 2, 3 inches around stick that was like.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

You know, 3ft long.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Like. Like big bottle rocket.

[Michael Madsen]

And you can get M80s.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

Cherry bombs.

[Alison Rosen]

That's good.

[Michael Madsen]

Silver salutes.

[Alison Rosen]

Do you ever. Lots of bricks of firecracker ever go down to Baja? Yeah, because Every day's the 4th of July over there. We used to we used to go to Baja and we'd get those. You've not seen bottle rockets until you've seen ones that couldn't fit into a bottle.

[Michael Madsen]

These are cool.

[Alison Rosen]

Mickey's big mouth bottle rockets. Like, I mean they're unmop handles, like big handles.

[Michael Madsen]

You can hold them by the stick actually and light it.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

And you just wait for the damn thing to go off and just hurl it, you know? Yeah, that's the best way to do them. So now you really aim it and.

[Alison Rosen]

You can twist the fuses together. You put it. You duct tape like an M. I.

[Michael Madsen]

Put a, put them in a great big water bottle, a great big arrowhead bottle. So you could light like three or four fuses at one time all twisted together. They all go off up here.

[Alison Rosen]

And this is back before the man was up your ass, right? Do what you want. Now some ass wipe, neighborhood calls the fuzz and they're over and they're giving you some sort of citation. Right.

[Michael Madsen]

Malibu has changed.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. It used to be a little, little lawless over there, right.

[Michael Madsen]

I had Steve McQueen's 12 gauge shotgun that he used in the picture of the getaway. His son Chad gave it to me for a birthday present one year. And we used to, every fourth of July we'd go down to Chad's and we'd load that thing up with double odd buck and fire it off on the beach, which was perfect. Pretty cool. But you can't do that anymore.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you ever had a friend who's lost an eye or experienced temporary blindness or anything like that? Because I am the person. When everyone's having fun doing this and saying, oh, this is so cool. You have to see this. I'm hiding inside and being just a real, a real ball of fun.

[Michael Madsen]

I've heard about that Debbie Donner, but. Well, I have a lot of sympathy for anything bad that's ever happened, happen to anyone, and God bless. You know, I've never had that happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Maybe my fears are probably unfounded.

[Alison Rosen]

Let me say this, here's what happens. I'm telling you why fireworks are dangerous. They're only dangerous because you get bored quickly and you have to up the ante all the time. The first move is I'm going to put it in the sparklets bottle. I'm going to light it with one of those extendo lighter things, things. And then we're all gonna run. And then pretty soon you get to. I'm gonna light it off my cigarette.

[Michael Madsen]

I'm gonna hold it in my hand.

[Alison Rosen]

While I'm holding a beer and I'm gonna let. I'm gonna make sure that the fuse gets down low enough so that when I chuck it, it'll go off and it's zenith and it's not gonna go. And so you find yourself going. You quickly get bored with just the lighting in the bottle, the safe distance and hiding behind the log. And you quickly get into. If we took an M200 and we twisted the fuses together and then I held it and threw it at that dude on the three wheeler over there, that would be awesome. And that's what it goes. That's. And then someone loses an eye. That's what happens.

[Michael Madsen]

That frenzy at the very end where you think you're running out, you want the grand finale, and it's just. There any left? There's no rockets left.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Michael Madsen]

Someone's always like secretly stashed one in their pocket. I have one.

[Adam Carolla]

That person gets frogs.

[Michael Madsen]

Gang test. Jack Holden.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Good times. All right. Why don't you get the news queued up? I'm gonna give a little love to one of our sponsors, Evoice. You gotta get this. Evoice. Oh boy. You know, should be doing the outgoing messages for Evoice. Michael Manson as Nick Nolte. That's what I would enjoy. What would Nick Nolte's answering machine sound like?

[Michael Madsen]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Christ. Who the hell calling me? Jesus Christ. Leave a message, for Christ's sake.

[Alison Rosen]

Professionally recorded, customized readings.

[Bald Brian]

I'm not sure if I got Nolte's phone or not.

[Alison Rosen]

Is that Nick?

[Michael Madsen]

Is that Nick?

[Alison Rosen]

Voicemails are transcribed into easy to read emails or text eyes, which is nice. No more listening to the long winded messages. The Nick Noltever leave you a long winded message.

[Michael Madsen]

Michael, you know, he's not real good on the phone. He doesn't really call you back. It's.

[Alison Rosen]

What would it sound like if he was calling you about one of his. One of his dresses?

[Michael Madsen]

It was a sarong. Yeah, I couldn't think of that word. Thank God.

[Alison Rosen]

Always think wrong. It's got the word wrong in it. That's where you start.

[Michael Madsen]

It was a sarong.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

Not a dress.

[Alison Rosen]

Think. So wrong. That is so wrong on the dude. And then. Then you'll have it. You'll be almost there.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, he's not real good about calling back. He'll just kind of show up. What?

[Alison Rosen]

I think Nick Nolte be right on that.

[Michael Madsen]

No, he just shows up.

[Alison Rosen]

Not the Nick I know anyway.

[Michael Madsen]

And he'll be standing there.

[Bald Brian]

Call me back when he gets you. Oh, you're on the other line.

[Alison Rosen]

There you are. That's right. Click.

[Bald Brian]

Calls back that fast?

[Michael Madsen]

I wish it was like that.

[Alison Rosen]

The evoice [e-mail] or go to www.evoice.com ev@him and sign up for six months. Six months free. What would his outgoing message sound like? One more time. Michael, come on. You're an actor.

[Michael Madsen]

Jesus Christ. What am I gonna say? Is this thing on? Holy shit. If you hear me, leave a message.

[Alison Rosen]

Six months free. Www.evoice.com Adam. All right, should we do a little news? You guys hang out. Out. We'll make fun of things that happen in the news. Good news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison.

[Dana Gould]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Alison Rosen]

Up, she'll sign it off with zip it.

[Michael Madsen]

Cut.

[Alison Rosen]

It's Allison. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

So the face eater's mother has come forward. Even a man who would eat another homeless man. Well, he wasn't homeless. A man who would eat a homeless man's face has a mother who loves her son.

[Alison Rosen]

Why do they have. Why do they stand by them this way?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she's surprised by what happened, and she says he was a good kid. I mean, clearly.

[Michael Madsen]

Why do they always say that about people that do horrible things?

[Alison Rosen]

I know.

[Michael Madsen]

He was a really nice guy. Yeah, he was such a nice person.

[Alison Rosen]

He was heart.

[Adam Carolla]

He seemed like someone who would eat the face off a man and leave the goatee.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. He kept to himself when he wasn't dismantling gay prostitutes, like, all right, well, that's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

He was nice enough, but he was always talking about eating faces.

[Alison Rosen]

I'm sure Hitler had some quiet time as well.

[Adam Carolla]

He loved his dog.

[Alison Rosen]

He loved his dog.

[Dana Gould]

He liked the paint.

[Alison Rosen]

He was vegan. It was awesome.

[Michael Madsen]

Why didn't they let him into art school?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. And by the way, you know, people that do bad things, like kill people or rap, they don't do it 24 7. No, they just kill a few people. It really doesn't even comprise the lion's share of their life.

[Michael Madsen]

He was a nice man.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's like saffron. Just a tiny bit. Goes a long way.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Goes a long way. Yeah. Or those weird things they stick into ham.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Alison Rosen]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Clothes?

[Alison Rosen]

Cloves.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

They go a long way.

[Adam Carolla]

They really do.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't want to overpower the murder.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. I'm sure. John Wayne Gacy or the Green River Killer. They weren't killing 80% of their waking hours. It was probably just a sliver of their life.

[Adam Carolla]

Looks like they say show business. You know, all 100% of your money comes from 20% of your work or something like that. That's how it is with murder.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. So that all you have to do is eat a face or two off of a homeless guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're. Yeah, exactly. It's really hard to go against type investment. So here's what she says. He was a good kid. He gave me a nice card on Mother's Day.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, wow. Let's let him out.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone says he was a zombie. He was no zombie, by the way.

[Alison Rosen]

My son, they only have nice Mother's Day cards. They're never like, you fat cunt, you did a horrible job with me. Yeah, that's why I'm in this home.

[Michael Madsen]

I love you, Mom. You're only half a c. Yes.

[Alison Rosen]

They don't have that. They only have nice Mother's Day cards.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate you so much, I wouldn't even eat your face. There's none of that.

[Alison Rosen]

By the way, tell dad I'm gay.

[Adam Carolla]

And then she said, I saw what.

[Alison Rosen]

They don't have those cards. They should have those cards. Yeah. Hello. They.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw what happened on tv and I started crying. And his girlfriend. He was living with a woman at the time.

[Alison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

She said that what she saw in the video was nothing like the man she lived with because he loved God. He always read the Bible. He would give you knowledge on the Bible. Everywhere he went, his Bible went. When he left, he had his Bible in his hand. So that night he left the house with his Bible. I think that wasn't him. That was his body, but it wasn't his spirit. Somebody did this to him.

[Alison Rosen]

By the way, how does that work? He was possessed by a rottweiler. I mean, like, what is that? That wasn't him. I like that sort of. I like that part. Like, that's not the Michael I know, or that's not him. Or that whole bullshit. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

The one you knew wasn't the real one.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, tell that to the guy with no fucking face.

[Michael Madsen]

Wasn't he on some kind of drug or something?

[Alison Rosen]

That's what they said.

[Adam Carolla]

Salts. They're saying bath salts. But he's dead, so they don't actually know.

[Alison Rosen]

All right, well, anyway, who knew bath.

[Michael Madsen]

Salts would make you do that?

[Alison Rosen]

And listen, I don't. I'm. Look, I'm no, I'm no padre, but it Went at the eulogy. I don't want anyone doing that. He's gone off to a better place now because he's at the same place my grandma's at. And that means she could get her face eaten off too. We gotta call like we see it. Look, if there's a heaven, God, guys that eat faces and get shot by the cops aren't in heaven. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's interesting. Are you allowed to be a cannibal in the afterlife?

[Alison Rosen]

I just don't, I don't like any of that stuff where I'm at a funeral and it's like, he's in a better place now. And I'm always like, what? Why? What? First off, what about us? We gotta live in this hellhole? I should go drive off a cliff now.

[Michael Madsen]

Maybe this is hell.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, let's call it a lateral move.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, what happens if you're in heaven and then you decide to become a dick? Get kicked out?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I think your grandfather did. But. Yeah, but I mean, can you push it? Like if you just became a douchebag?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're all like, oh, my doesn't stink. I'm in heaven now. I can do whatever I want.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, first off, by the way, I.

[Michael Madsen]

Don'T like it here anymore.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, you feel, you feel like you're in like somebody driving with diplomatic plates. You're like, fuck that parking meter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

You have heaven immunity. Yeah. What are you going to do, give me a ticket? Fuck off. Eternal immunity. Oh, I like that. So basically, you fake it while you're on earth and then we get in heaven, you become a huge douchebag. That sounds like a Jim Carrey comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

It does. Heaven can't wait.

[Michael Madsen]

He needs a hit. I think that's a good idea. Tell me about that. That penguin thing didn't work for me.

[Alison Rosen]

No, no, he needs a hit. This is gonna be it. And then, you know, you fill it with a whole bunch of folks. Yeah, this, this is the theme song. This is the music. Made up movies and they have. They have Jim Carrey and he's in there and he's like, he's around with Abe Lincoln. And you know, he gets behind Abe Lincoln, he makes a sound. Pow. And Abe, like turns around, he gotcha. And then there's a huge douchebag. Totally. But then he. But then he, like, he falls in love. Now then what? Like mother. He's with Mother Teresa. Like, he does say, hey, somebody got something on his shirt. Mother Teresa does that thing up her face, you know, And I still around with all These legendary folks. But then he's won over.

[Michael Madsen]

He could meet. Meet the Face Eater and decide to kick him out.

[Alison Rosen]

From angel to a hole.

[Michael Madsen]

You can't be here.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. And then. Yeah. And there's just that deity to douchebag. There's this thing where God is talking to St. Peter. Like. Like. Like he's. You know, like the manager of a club is talking to guys working the door like, what the fuck you doing letting that douchebag in here? And he was. Like. He was cool when he came in. I don't know what happened. This is good.

[Adam Carolla]

So it turns out the homeless man whose face was eaten had graduated from Stuyvesant, which is a really good high school. And so there's one thing about him. Another thing about him is that his family thought he had been dead for like 15 years. They didn't even know he was alive. So this is really good news. Bad news.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Surprise.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

Good news is we found it. He has no face.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought I'd never see his face again.

[Alison Rosen]

You know, the real tragedy. The real tragedy here is Oprah being off the air. Because there was always that light at the end of the tunnel. Like if you were attacked by a chimpanzee or crazy guy ate your face or you lost your legs to a commuter train or whatever horrible misfortune met you at some point. When the stitches were taken out. You healed up well enough to walk or get into a chair. Whatever it was. There was always Oprah out there. She was always out there. And you could go over there and get a Buick and a book deal and a cappuccino and your wife would then have to tell. I saw this. What? Poor kid was born with a vagina on his forehead. But. But. But there was always that thing where you had Oprah. There's no Oprah anymore. Now you.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's going to. Who's going to fill in the void?

[Alison Rosen]

Michael Manson's got to do a daytime show. As Nick knows.

[Michael Madsen]

I need a job. It's a good idea. I may start my own show. My first guest will be the guy with no face.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. I'm just saying there was always.

[Michael Madsen]

Tell me what was it like while he was eating your face?

[Alison Rosen]

That's all. And then they.

[Michael Madsen]

Are you angry at him?

[Alison Rosen]

He'd get a book deal.

[Michael Madsen]

Time for you. Will you forgive him?

[Alison Rosen]

There you go. Right?

[Michael Madsen]

I forgive him.

[Alison Rosen]

Ask this question too. You say you're a Christian. But don't you question your faith after something like this? That's a good question. Your faith. You know What?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Somehow they. By the way, the answer is like, fuck, yeah, by the way. Fuck. God. I'm done now.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you ever think you would find yourself in a situation where your face was being eaten? What was the first thought that went through your head?

[Alison Rosen]

I do like that thought. Yeah. Crazy guys devouring your face and you're thinking, what. What's taking so long? Yeah, I like that. I like that question. Yeah. Obviously you never thought that one was coming, by the way. If you did, you'd have your head inside a bird cage everywhere. Right.

[Michael Madsen]

I seen the guy whose face got eaten by the chimp. He was on Oprah, wasn't he?

[Alison Rosen]

He was a sheep.

[Michael Madsen]

He got his face and they ripped off his ball. They ran and buried the balls. No, the guy got attacked by his own chimp. They brought the chimp a birthday cake, and the two other chimps freaked out when they saw the cake. And they said, that's it, man. And they jumped out and they ate his face off and they ripped his nuts off.

[Alison Rosen]

That was. Yeah, they ripped his nuts off.

[Michael Madsen]

Ate all his fingers. Yeah. Off his hands.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, that guy. And then the chick who got her face about.

[Michael Madsen]

The process of doing that to someone was psychologically broken down to the fact that they ate his face so he wouldn't be attractive enough to reproduce anymore. They ate off his fingers so he couldn't defend himself. Then they ripped his nuts off and went and buried him in the forest so he couldn't reproduce.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, because if they didn't bury them.

[Adam Carolla]

Far away, he might find them.

[Michael Madsen]

A systematic thing they did, you see? They really him up as well as he could.

[Alison Rosen]

No, there's no marquees of crying. Marquis of Queensberry over there.

[Adam Carolla]

Smart.

[Michael Madsen]

I miss my chimp. I can't believe he did this.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, they forgive the chimp.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got Battered Human syndrome.

[Michael Madsen]

Apparently his chimp never jumped out of the cage. Just sat there and let it happen.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, there was. There was a great. Let his friends do it. Well, so here's the point.

[Michael Madsen]

I think the other two got fed up because he was getting so much attention when they saw that birthday cake.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, the dude. Well, so there was. There was a dude who was attacked by chimp, and then it was a tamp attack by chimp, and they both made it on Oprah. So it's like. Yeah, I'm just saying. She was.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you have to do.

[Alison Rosen]

Fall back. Go to, like. If I was visiting someone in the hospital that had been devastated by a chimp or a guy With a Bible, I would have said, look, at least we got Oprah now. What? Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, because it was almost like a punchline. And, you know, what are you gonna do? Well, you can always write a book.

[Alison Rosen]

And go on Oprah right now. What? Ellen, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the View and Kathy.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, we'll go on the talk with those yentas or whatever the show is.

[Michael Madsen]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

They wouldn't even let the homeless guy speak.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Lord, if he can, because I don't. Yeah, I don't think he can. Speaking of speaking Score big dot com, you guys got to get into this. You guys go to any ball games, any events, stuff like that.

[Michael Madsen]

Tickets for Lakers. But all those people have disappeared.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Well, you can get your tickets and you can save a bunch of money@score big.com.

[Christian Madsen]

Sure.

[Alison Rosen]

Shows, concerts, teams all over the country, by the way. Dodgers, Red Sox, whatever you are, whatever city and Yankees, whatever team you like, they got a lot of tickets left over. Those are pretty big stadiums. And what you do is you go to scorebig.com and you tell them where you want to sit, and you give them your price, and they get right back to you, and they go, all right, we accept it or we don't. If they accept it, you get the tickets at that price and you get those seats. It's kind of cool. So you don't pay. They simplify it. They simplify it. And you do not. You don't even pay sticker price for these tickets. You set the price. Save 30%, by the way, or more on your first Purchase. Go to scorebig.com, click on the radio button, and enter the code Adam. Always less than full price, Never any fees. Scorebig.com, promo code Adam, wherever you are, whatever show you want to see, whatever sporting event.

[Michael Madsen]

Sorry, Max. Did you hear that?

[Alison Rosen]

Going with the name?

[Michael Madsen]

It's your job, Max. Get us some tickets. My other. My. One of my other sons.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

He's a big fan of you, by the way.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, thanks.

[Michael Madsen]

He's very excited that we're coming on.

[Alison Rosen]

It's a bonding experience. Does he want to be an actor, Max?

[Michael Madsen]

I think he. He's. He's leaning toward a basketball career at the moment, and he's doing a lot of writing. I don't think he wants to get in Christian's way. Christian's going to be the actor. I think Max is going to play back basketball.

[Alison Rosen]

How old is he?

[Michael Madsen]

He's 18. He's like 6. 4.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. You. You're a rangy Dude. And is he. Is he. Is he going to college? Is he in high school?

[Michael Madsen]

He's still in high school, yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Did he go to go to one of those nice white guy high schools?

[Michael Madsen]

No, Malibu High.

[Alison Rosen]

Malibu High.

[Michael Madsen]

Malibu High.

[Alison Rosen]

Sounds like an 80s movie, doesn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it does.

[Alison Rosen]

Mark Harmon. Wait. Affairs with the Malibu High. Yeah, but there's a lot of hot chicks over there.

[Michael Madsen]

It's different.

[Alison Rosen]

I got a. I got a nephew who goes to Malibu High and I'm pissed off about it because he's in the 9th or 10th grade and I guess they start in the 9th grade. And I'm like, how do you like. How do you like school? He's like, I love it. And I'm like, you love high school. He's like, I love it. And I like you. You love your friends and you love hanging out, but the school, the rest sucks, right? And he's like, no, I enjoy it. I'm like, what the. First off, you're no Corolla. Get out of my house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, imposter.

[Alison Rosen]

I don't know who you are. Yeah, Yeah. I don't even know who you are. He loves. It's good. You should hate school. That's healthy.

[Michael Madsen]

I never got anything out of. Besides, they lied to everyone about the Indians.

[Alison Rosen]

Really?

[Michael Madsen]

That was enough for me. Yeah. Decided to leave and I found out it was a load of bullshit.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

You and Brando, you heard about the Indians and went, this.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone should leave high school like him.

[Alison Rosen]

Where did you. Wait, where did you go to school?

[Michael Madsen]

In Chicago. In Illinois?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. I knew you were from that area for some reason I think we talked about before and so did you leave early?

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, I ran out of there when I was about 17.

[Alison Rosen]

Was there you just felt like. I don't even hearken back on anything. I think about Schoolhouse Rock more than I actually think about school in terms of actual learning. I don't know what. I mean. I didn't learn anything.

[Michael Madsen]

I didn't learn a damn thing. I thought it was. I mean, it's one of those things you have to do because society wants you to be a high school graduate for some reason. But I look back on that time as being very painful. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there.

[Alison Rosen]

And did you go off to New York and start acting after that?

[Michael Madsen]

No, I was. I went to work to be. I drove a tow truck for a couple years and I was an auto mechanic for a few years and I went to school to be a paramedic. My father was a Firefighter and he wanted me to be a cop, which wasn't going to happen. And I worked as a pipe fitter and I went to school to be an electrician and worked as an orderly in a hospital. And I did a lot of stuff before I ever got it in my head to be a movie actor. That was like a last resort because I couldn't figure out anything else to do.

[Alison Rosen]

Do you think kids have that these days? Like, I think whether they're successful or not, everyone has an idea of what they want to do, like when they leave high school. Whereas I left high school with a bunch of dudes that were just like floaters. Like, it was sort of like somebody was saying, well, we could clean carpets, or we could work construction, or if somebody's dad had any kind of business, we could go work over there or we could go opal mining in Australia. Or like, it was always like no one had any idea. And everyone's parents were just like, look, get out of the house and go do what you got to do. Like, there wasn't a big emphasis on what are you doing? What's your career, what's your focus? What, what are you aiming toward?

[Adam Carolla]

What are your goals in your group? Yeah, yeah, Goombas.

[Alison Rosen]

The girls, though, had the element, like they had that element of, I'm going to get a job as a receptionist somewhere and then hook up with some dude who figures out a career at some point and I can just hang out and drink wine coolers until then. That was basically their idea. But it was a whole bunch of dudes that had no direction, no path and nobody cared. And no one seemed particularly concerned either. It was just graduate, get out of high school, get out, move on.

[Michael Madsen]

All my buddies are dead. Like, really?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

Every guy I grew up with in high school and afterwards are all dead.

[Alison Rosen]

What happened?

[Michael Madsen]

And a Phil got killed in a motorcycle, in a motorboat wreck. Johnny was. Became a firefighter and he fell through a floor in a house that collapsed in a fire. Ben was picked up hitchhiking by a scrap metal truck and he got hit head on from another car.

[Alison Rosen]

Jesus.

[Michael Madsen]

My friend Mark, I mean, he got.

[Alison Rosen]

Pissed, picked up hitchhiking and then the guy picked him up, got into an accident.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, the guy fell asleep driving and he. Scrap metal truck and he just fell asleep at the wheel and drifted over into the other lane.

[Alison Rosen]

That was Ben.

[Michael Madsen]

Bam. Ben Rooney.

[Alison Rosen]

Ben wasn't much of a conversation last time.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, I've often wondered how these things happen.

[Alison Rosen]

Jesus Christ. So you get, you get picked up. It's not even you driving or your butt. You get your hit hitchhiking, get picked up by scrap metal truck. By the way, that's a tetanus shot waiting to happen.

[Michael Madsen]

I fell asleep.

[Adam Carolla]

You never hear about that last second.

[Michael Madsen]

When everyone realized, get up, wake up.

[Adam Carolla]

Obviously.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, it's a very passive form of killing your passenger. You always think about the guy at a machete and he was a bad man. He tried to rape him. Falling asleep, just as dangerous.

[Adam Carolla]

Truly.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow.

[Michael Madsen]

Poor Ben.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, poor Ben.

[Michael Madsen]

He was going on a world tour tour. So he was going to hitchhike across America.

[Alison Rosen]

How far did he get?

[Michael Madsen]

Iowa.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, no, that's.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, that was the end.

[Alison Rosen]

That was it. Joey, he just. He just got from Illinois to Iowa, huh?

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah. Mark. Somebody shot Mark in the head while he was in a halfway house.

[Alison Rosen]

Boy.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, yeah, I've heard about a few other fatalities.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow.

[Michael Madsen]

Elaborate, anyone?

[Alison Rosen]

You're a regular good luck chair.

[Michael Madsen]

I made it somehow. I don't know.

[Alison Rosen]

Wow. So you got out of there. Well, the motorboating one, there must have been some alcohol involved with that.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, well, he was driving at night and his dad had a lot of dough and I guess he bought him this boat and he'd take the damn thing out at night. And like Michigan, they have those big iron brake waters that go out right. And I guess he slammed right into one of them at about 2 o' clock in the morning.

[Alison Rosen]

So boating is one of those there. There's certain things. I've said it. We're talking about the fire, fireworks, the ATVs, like the four wheel things. Boats, ATVs, they're the same thing. They feel safe, like when you get in them, like you go, I got this atv, it's got four wheels. So I got my cutoffs and my flip flops on and I'm gonna put my kid on my lap and I'm Gonna put a 12 pack in between me and the kid and we're gonna putt down to the camp. Let me see if I can pop a wheelie. And the next thing you know, somebody breaks their neck. But they have a feeling of safety. That's why people fuck up with boats so much. Cause a. It's a couple of beers and this feeling of to hit and then they hit something.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the opposite of that? Something where you're really careful because it feels dangerous.

[Alison Rosen]

That's a good, that's a good thing to think about.

[Adam Carolla]

Race car.

[Alison Rosen]

There, There are things if, as an adult, if you ever step onto like a skateboard, you'll have a feeling of Jesus Christ. Take it easy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

This thing feels. This thing feels crazy.

[Michael Madsen]

I don't like skateboards. Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Whereas the boat feels like I'm a pro. I'm Aquaman. Nothing can stop drive this thing. Yeah, yeah. I've tried to get people up on the unicycle before and they do that same. Kind of the clutch on you with both hands. It's like worst case scenarios, you're going to put your feet down 8 inches. Worst case scenario, we're not going anywhere. Yeah.

[Michael Madsen]

I could ride a unicycle. I temporarily learned how to do that.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, you did?

[Michael Madsen]

I don't think I could do it now, but once upon a time I did master that a role. Nah, I was just bored. I think I just wanted to prove that I could do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, don't they say you never forget?

[Michael Madsen]

Well, in the case of a unicycle, I think it doesn't apply.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, you forget twice as much as you'd forget about riding a bicycle.

[Michael Madsen]

Basically.

[Alison Rosen]

That's the math. That's the one wheel math. All right, keep going with the news, baby girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Wolf Blitzer recently interviewed Donald Trump about Obama's birth. And we have a clip.

[Alison Rosen]

Good. You're doubling down on this birther issue. After the state of Hawaii formally says this is the legitimate birth certificate, he was born in Hawaii. Why are you going through all of this? A lot of people don't agree with that birth certificate. The state of Hawaii authorizes it. If the state of Hawaii says this is official, he was born in Hawaii on this date. Here it is. Why do you deny that? A lot of people do not think it was an authentic certificate. How can you say that? You won't report it, Wolf, but many people do not think it was authentic. His mother was not in the hospital. There were many other things that came out. And frankly, if you would report it accurately, I think you'd probably get better ratings than you're getting, which are pretty small. Have you seen the. The actual newspaper announcements within days of his birth in Honolulu? For example, the Honolulu Star Bulletin will put a it up there. You see the birth announcement back in 1961. Listen, listen to me, Donald. Honolulu. Can I ask. Can I ask the question, Donald? Donald, you're beginning to sound a little ridiculous. I have to tell you. Let me tell you something. I think you sound ridiculous. Oh, boy, that's great. Listen, who sounded ridiculous? Okay, I know you are, but what about, first off, it's so academic. I mean, you know, it's like trying to get Somebody. I never understood the technicality part of winning or losing. I never liked it. Like, you know that. You know that thing, like, where you play, like, a softball game and some chick legs one out, she's standing on first base, and then at some point she steps up off, and then somebody tags her with the ball and goes, you're out. You're out. It's like, relax, relax, douchebag. Are we trying to win on a technicality here? Like, what happened to just winning on the merits of whatever and losing on the merits of whatever? I don't like the whole born here or not, doesn't matter, don't care. It seems foolish. And to make that your point, I mean, obviously, if you're Donald Trump and you don't want a Democrat or Barack Obama in the world White House, then you should start making some cogent points about taxes and business and whatever. Your points would be to say, we need new leadership. But the technicality part always just feels like if he was. What if he was the greatest president of all time, I wouldn't care where the fuck he was from. I really wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the extension of the argument that therefore he's a liar, therefore we. We can't trust him, Therefore we have a foreigner in office. Therefore, I mean, where does it go?

[Alison Rosen]

No, there's just. Literally, this is the Tuck rule for a president. We got actors and we got a chick. I got turned to a pride lost. No, look, I knew sports in football. Here's the point. What happened when the. The Raiders played the Patriots? Tom Brady fumbled the ball at the end of the game, and the Raiders would have went to the super bowl, but there was something called a Tuck rule, and I don't know why there was a Tuck rule. And no one can explain the tuck rule, but there's the Tuck rule. And he was pulling the ball back toward his chest, and he got the ball stripped, and Oakland recovered it, but they gave it back to the Patriots, and the Patriots won the game. This is just about the tuck rule, in which this is. There's no strategy to it other than technically we can win on this Tuck rule. If we can prove. Since we can't have a president that wasn't born. That was born on foreign soil, we're gonna win in the Tuck rule. Not. Not because he was lying or disingenuous or there's part of a big conspiracy. I don't think that's his angle. I think these guys are just trying to win using the Tuck rule.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. After 911 California. California released special 911 license plates which said we will never forget. They cost an extra $50 for the plate and then there's an annual renewal fee of $40. And some of the money was supposed to go to scholarships for kids of California residents who died in the attacks, which was, and it was called the California Memorial Scholarship Program.

[Alison Rosen]

Sure, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

The majority, 85%, was supposed to go to fund anti terrorism efforts.

[Alison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You already know where this is going. The Associated Trash did a Revolution review of the 15 million collected and discovered only a fraction went to scholarships and only about 40% went to anti terror training programs. 3 million was raided by Governor Jerry Brown and Arnold Schwarzenegger to plug the state's budget deficit. Millions were spent on items that had nothing to do with terrorism, including livestock diseases. They gave the livestock diseases and workplace safety. And Also the California DMV, who takes in still about 1.5 million annually on these plates, has been advertising the plates as helping the children of 911 victims, even though the state stopped funding that program seven years ago.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So now Brown has ordered an audit of California's entire specialty plan.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, now that you're talking about it. He nodded. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's, it's directly as a result of the AP investigation.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, here's the thing. Look, the government, first off, let me explain something. Kids, they're fuck ups. That's what they do. They fuck up. And when they have a bunch, you will sort of use as much time and as much money as you have. I mean, if someone says we'll give you a year and a billion dollars to build a bridge, then it's going to take two years and $2.5 billion. That's it. Whatever the math is, it's always twice as long and twice as much. It's a little microcosm of every contractor I've ever worked with. If he says it's going to be 40 grand in three months to rebuild the kitchen, it's going to be six months and 80 grand if you're lucky. I mean, that's just, that's the nature of the beast.

[Michael Madsen]

That's true.

[Alison Rosen]

And when you give somebody money and they're not really accountable for that money, there's going to be a lot of this going on. There's one guy who walks around my house obsessively and, and shuts lights off. You want to know who that one guy is? The guy pays the bill.

[Michael Madsen]

Me.

[Alison Rosen]

That's me. And my, that's what I do. That's what we Do. All I do is walk in a circle and shut things off. Why? Cuz I pay the bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Christian, are you a light lever honor?

[Alison Rosen]

I don't have to pay for my utilities.

[Adam Carolla]

So that means yes.

[Alison Rosen]

You leave it on. Yes.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, first thing I do in the morning.

[Alison Rosen]

But I mean I want. I want to shut it off though, you know?

[Michael Madsen]

Didn't you grow up with me coming in your room, shutting off your lights all the time?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. Yeah. We just hung out in the dark all the time.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah. And flushing the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

We couldn't go to the bathroom. What would it sound like if Uncle Nick came in to shut the light off?

[Michael Madsen]

What the hell? Jesus Christ. Lights out in every room. Michael, what the hell are you doing? You're neglecting your duties as a bill payer. Get. Turn them off. Every single one.

[Dana Gould]

I'll do it for.

[Alison Rosen]

For you.

[Michael Madsen]

I got. Okay, just give me a cigarette and I'll do it for you. It's funny you bring it up, but I. I do do that. I. I get up in the morning, I shut off the boys TVs and I flush their toilets.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes.

[Michael Madsen]

And I turn off the bathroom lights.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Michael Madsen]

Turn off the lights out in front.

[Alison Rosen]

Right.

[Michael Madsen]

I turn off the pool light.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes. I hate the pool light.

[Michael Madsen]

I realize that. No one will ever do that when I'm not there.

[Alison Rosen]

No, you don't want to. Why? Because they're not paying for. I once had my buddy Daniel staying in my house at a party house in Sherman Oaks. He was staying there. And I just showed up at night once, by the way, I've showed up at that house. That was my party house that I didn't live in. But friends would hang out there. My sister and her kids would crash out for a night or two. I once showed up in a dress. In a dress. What's wrong? I once showed up and the garbage disposal was on. Now this is the middle of the fucking week, in the middle of the fucking day with nobody in the house.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you literally wasn't even running.

[Alison Rosen]

I am such a fucking weirdo. That I had a light on the garbage disposal switch. Literally a red light that said when the switch was on and when it was off just because it looked cool. And sometimes when the washing wasn't enough. Well, when the washing machine looked cool.

[Michael Madsen]

It'S cool at night.

[Alison Rosen]

The dishwasher was going and stuff like that. So the red light is on. That's how I noticed. I walked into the front door and I looked into the kitchen so the red light was on. Somebody left the Disposal on and left the house. And when I would show up at night and I'd show up with Daniel, and I'm standing in the kitchen going, the pool light's on. Yeah. Yeah, it is. So how long's the pool light been on for? I don't know. It's been a month or something. I don't know how to shut it off. I said, well, why don't you shut it off? He's like, I don't know. When you're not paying for it, you don't give a. And it's hard to give people give a. You cannot give people give a. They have to have some skin in the game.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a question because I do pay my, you know, my utility.

[Michael Madsen]

My wife likes to leave her car open all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

How much?

[Michael Madsen]

The windows are down.

[Alison Rosen]

What would Nick say about that dome light being on?

[Michael Madsen]

Shut the door for guys sakes. It's gonna run the battery down. You have a dead battery, you won't be able to go anywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

How much do you save actually by shutting lights off? Because I think of things like air conditioner and all those things.

[Alison Rosen]

Bigger draw. Yeah, bigger draw. Oh, no, don't get me wrong. My wife's heating the pool, you know, 24 7, got the air on and everything's running, but don't. It's not just lights.

[Adam Carolla]

But why, if I'm more diligent about turning my light lights out all the time.

[Alison Rosen]

There are certain things are bigger draws than others. I walked into the kitchen the other day. I'll give you a big draw item. Stuff like toaster ovens, space heaters, stuff with heating coils and elements, microwave oven straightening irons. I walked in to the living room. My wife was sitting with my daughter in the living room, and they were looking at a book together, which was a nice moment. And then I walked into the kitchen to see the toaster oven was on with nothing in it and the door open.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's like a space heater.

[Alison Rosen]

And I was like, why are we heating the kitchen? It's 90 degrees outside. She just forgot she was preheating it. Forgot. But the point is, when you don't have any skin in the game, and I'm talking about direct skin, because you can say to the taxpayers or to the government, like, look, hey, this is your money too. And, hey, government, this is your money. And if you take it out of here and you allocate it there. But it's like I tell my wife, look, this is your money too. So let's not. It Needs to be a direct connection. And then all of a sudden people get smart and all of a sudden the money and the bridges to nowhere and all that bullshit, all the waste and all, it immediately goes away. The second. And this is why when the government says we need more money to get the state back on track, I go first off, you guys are colossal fuck ups. There's nothing. This is, this is your junky brother in law saying if you give him another 80 bucks he's gonna get his shit together because he's got an idea for an invention.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta cut the state off.

[Alison Rosen]

Yes, we have to cut them off. Believe me, if I thought giving them another 2% would fix everything, I would happily do it. The school system sucked. The infrastructure sucks. All government related everything sucks. And they have were already being taxed at a rate that's higher than most of the country and they still look, our teachers get paid the most. We have almost the worst school system. So is it the money? Like okay, let's pay the teachers a little more. We're gonna have a better school system or you guys just fuck ups? That's my point. Get your shit together before you ask for more money. Then we can talk. Now where were we? Who left the lights on? Didn't you have a friend that bought an MLB pass? I heard that on your same fucking guy bought the major league baseball pack. It went to the next season too. Oh, he moved out. And it kept renewing itself. I love by the way, I love watching move out.

[Bald Brian]

I couldn't hear the games over those garbage disposal.

[Alison Rosen]

I love it, I love it. This is, this is Danny Two Sheets by the way. And the reason I call them Danny two Sheets. And this is just a little window into how shitty my childhood was. He moved in, he moved from New York to work on the man show before he got a place to stay. Stayed with me on my, on my fold out sofa for like, for like a month. And I gave him bedding, you know. And at some point, like the second night he came upstairs and he said hey, could I get another sheet? And I said, what you do, piss yourself or something? And he said no, an upper sheet. And I said, what do you mean an upper sheet? You got a sheet, it's over the mattress and you got a comforter. And he's like no, no, a sheet, a top sheet. And I was like two sheets. We think this is the four Seasons. Yeah, who uses two sheets? Nobody. What's the thread? And I started calling him Danny two Sheets. And I was like. And I'D laugh about him at other people. Hey, this guy needs two sheets, an upper and a lower. It's like he's a sheet sandwich going on. And everyone went, you know, most people have that. And I was like, are you normal? You shitting me? And that's how poor my family was. I thought this. This was some kind of weird thing that he brought over from his royal English ancestry or something. Yeah, Danny, Two sheets. He did that thing. Well, again, it's that business, you know, when businesses. Businesses. All their policies coincidentally favor them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Alison Rosen]

Like, if you ever go in with a gift certificate. I've had a gift certificate. I had producers of a show I used to do give me a gift certificate to Barneys of New York for, like, 1500 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

And I'd go over there, and I'd spend $1489 worth of shit. You know the thing. And I go, all right, now give me my 11 bucks. I'll be. It's our policy that we don't give cash back to. And I was like, seriously, I just spent 1489 bucks. Now give me the 1100 bucks. The $11 back, we don't return cash on. And it was funny because, of course, that's their policy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's also never, like, if you don't use the gift card within 18 months, it turns into $2,000.

[Alison Rosen]

Right. It goes. It goes away. So again, the policy for the MLB package is, without notification, we renew. And then once we renew, even if we're two games in or the first pitch has been thrown out for opening day, you can't cancel it. Oh, that's your policy. I had one of the greatest standoffs at the Barneys of New York outlet, by the way.

[Christian Madsen]

Oh.

[Alison Rosen]

I wised up, because the first time I was a poor dude from North Hollywood. Right. So I get this Barney's from New York gift certificate for fifteen hundred dollars, and I was like, I'm gonna buy a whole new wardrobe. I'm gonna. Couple of custom suits and some shoes and a top hat and a monocle and pajamas and two sheets, and it's gonna. And then I'll have money left over. Maybe I'll buy part of the store. This is gonna be awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Invest some of it.

[Alison Rosen]

Investors. Yeah. And I go in there and I got this $1,500 gift certificate, and I go, you know, I'm gonna start off with, like, a nice leather bomber jacket. And, you know, it's the 90s, and a guy comes in, and he works there, and he's wearing a leather bomber Jacket. I go, that's a nice leather bomber jacket. Maybe I'll get a couple of those. How much is that? And he goes, $3,400. And I was like, $3,400 for the jacket? So the year after that, I started going to Barney's of New York, the outlet store with my 1500 bucks, which is, you know, halfway to San. It's in Oxnard or something. And I went in there and I literally spent out of the 1500 bucks, I spent like 14, 93, 27 or something like that. Like, I had like $6.63 or 53 cents or whatever it was left. And they said, well, we don't give cash back. And I said, I want. I want the six bucks. And they're like, our policy is. And I said, well, my. You want to know what my policy is? I always get cash back. So now we're at a Mexican standoff in terms of policies. And they said, well, you're going to have to. And I said, look, I'll make you a deal. If you can find me an item that with tax, comes to the exact amount of that without putting me one penny over, because I'm not fucking paying you guys 12 bucks out of my. Because what they do do is you have eight bucks left on the shit, and you buy a $34 shirt and you put. You kick in another 30 bucks or 28 bucks. That's how they get you. I go, listen, you can look around here and find me an item that gets me to exactly 1500 bucks, or you can give me the balance. That is your challenge. That is the only way we're going to do this. And they're like, sir, we don't. And I got on the phone with, like, their corporate office. I was there for an hour and a fucking and half. It was absolutely insane. But they gave me the money.

[Adam Carolla]

And this was man. You were doing man show at this point.

[Alison Rosen]

This was Loveline, the TV show. And I did a thing.

[Adam Carolla]

And I. I'm just wondering, were they like, it's the guy from Loveline. He's upset.

[Alison Rosen]

No, but here's what I said. I said, look, I work on a show, and the producers hand out at least 10 of these every. Every year. And they've done it for, like, the last four years. And I gotta tell you what, if you don't give me that fucking $6.34, I will make sure that they never hand out another one of these gift certificates. Do you understand? And I still had to call, like, the fucking corporate I just called.

[Adam Carolla]

So what finally happened to Barney?

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, the Barney? Yeah. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

In New York.

[Alison Rosen]

In New York. Oh, my God, Robert. Barney.

[Michael Madsen]

Speak to Barney.

[Alison Rosen]

I want to speak to Barney. And they do what everyone does, which is they can just go, yeah, fuck it, give me $6. And I don't know why it would.

[Adam Carolla]

Have been so much easier for them.

[Michael Madsen]

To get a call from Adam Groh.

[Alison Rosen]

Party.

[Michael Madsen]

What the hell does he want? He wants us six dollars. All right, I'll just give it to him.

[Alison Rosen]

For Christ's sake, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, license plates. Money Waste city. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Corruption.

[Alison Rosen]

Corruption. California, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And also specialty license plates. Have you ever been tempted to buy a specialty license plate or a vanity plate?

[Alison Rosen]

Have you? What do you want to do?

[Michael Madsen]

I wanted to get the. The number that was on the must Mustang in Bullet. Thought that'd be cool, but I couldn't get it. Somebody else got the jump on me.

[Alison Rosen]

That Mustang, by the way, that thing's. That thing's going to be worth.

[Michael Madsen]

Well, first off, no one knows what happened to the one from the picture.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, no, there's a guy who owns it. There's a guy owns it.

[Michael Madsen]

Really?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, but he doesn't. He doesn't advertise, he doesn't talk about it. But everything that's owner. I've seen pictures of it that he really has it.

[Michael Madsen]

The one from. Oh, yeah, he's got the picture car.

[Alison Rosen]

He. Everything that Steve McQueen has touched, including a shotgun, has gone through the fucking roof. Steve McQueen. Sunglasses, shotguns, bomber. Bomber jackets. Steve. Here's what happened. I swear to God, Steve McQueen about five years ago, four or five years ago, had a Ferrari 250 Lusso. At the time, the 250 Lusso were selling for, I don't know, 400, 500K. A lot of money. But 400, 500K, his sold for $2.3 million. Then recently he had his 911, 69 Porsche 911 that I think he drove. It was in Le Mans, but it wasn't racing or anything. It's not a special car.

[Michael Madsen]

It's in the movie. It's in the opening scene.

[Alison Rosen]

In the opening scene. All right, that's a. That's a 80 to $100,000 car these days. It sold for like $1.1 million. Everything Steve McQueen touch and all the memorabilia and all the motorcycles and all the jackets and all the sunglasses, everything and the shotguns, everything he's touched is gone fucking through the roof. So that Bullet car, that bullet car, which is just fair to middlin you know, 69, I think Mustang. We've got a couple suspension mods and shit like that, but it's not nothing. Nothing. Wasn't worth shit 15 years ago or 10 years ago. Some guy is sitting on that car and that car is gonna sell for 3 million bucks at one of those auctions. It's insane.

[Michael Madsen]

I know. Chad's been trying to find that car for a long time.

[Alison Rosen]

And Chad McQueen.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, his kid. And he claims that nobody has it.

[Alison Rosen]

Now there's a guy like out of Texas or something that has it, but he's totally low profile and he's not letting anybody. He doesn't do any, you know, he's one of those paranoid dudes. But that car, he's gonna die one day and his son is gonna throw that thing up at the auction and that thing's gonna get, you know, if it's 10 years from now, it's gonna get 5 million bucks.

[Michael Madsen]

There's the play. J Uz 109.

[Alison Rosen]

That's what you wanted.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

On your. And somebody already had it.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah. This guy that's gonna be in Chino. Actually I'm doing the car show at Chino's at the Boys Republic.

[Alison Rosen]

So you settled on FDL PD?

[Michael Madsen]

I'm putting my. I'm putting my. I'm Putting my 67 GTO in the show.

[Alison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Michael Madsen]

And Chad's supposed to be there. I think he'll have a couple of his dad's cars.

[Alison Rosen]

You got a goat?

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah. 67, that's nice. 4 speed, big block, 4 speed. It's red with white interior.

[Alison Rosen]

That's the combo.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah, it's nice. Sweet.

[Alison Rosen]

So you're putting in a cart. You like cars?

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to be Richard Petty, actually. I really, really envious of your door out there with his signature on it. I'm really fascinated by his flamboyant signature. That crazy R and the crazy P.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I had my assistant do that. By the way, it's not his real signature.

[Michael Madsen]

I wanted to be Richard Petty. I'd much rather have been that than that.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, Richard Petty was cool. He had the wraparound sunglasses. He.

[Michael Madsen]

Him and his Hemis, man, they just took.

[Alison Rosen]

He had that look. He had that cowboy hat look. He had that nice STP sponsored race car 43. I think was. He's the king. No one ever have. I don't know, he had over 200 wins or something like that. Like it's one of those. It's one of those records that will always stand.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't care for his Music.

[Michael Madsen]

So I know how you got this job.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Bloomberg is proposing a band.

[Alison Rosen]

Uh huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Large sized sodas that are sold in restaurants or food carts or any other establishment that receives a letter grade. It would not apply to grocery stores. And this would be the ban. Would outlaw any drinks that are larger than 16 ounces.

[Alison Rosen]

I, you know, I gotta say this. You know, there's this whole nanny state thing and everyone always thinks I'm gonna be the one that comes out on the side of, you know, freedom and liberty and all that shit. I'm fine with the government saying, look, cigarettes are bad for you. Here's a buck a pack tax. Not 10 bucks a fucking pack, just a buck a pack. And I understand those kinds of taxes. Gas guzzling tax. Oh, you want to drive around a car that gets eight miles to the gallon, by the way, you're already paying for it, but all right, you can have a little slap on the hand for. You want to drive a Ferrari, you're gonna have to pay for it. Like, okay, I get it, you're rich. That's fine. I want them. The problem was, as I said, I took my son to the zoo. Fuck. Mike, get my, get my camera or get my phone over there. I took my son to the zoo the other day and I. He wanted. We went to, as I said on the show, we went to the fuck. There was a churro hut. Scary. And then as I also said on the show, one of them was filled with cream. Sucking on a cream filled, filled churro. Churro is very homoerotic, especially on a hot day.

[Michael Madsen]

Diabetes stick.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, something dripping down your chin there. And I ordered him, he wanted a root beer. Now the boy's 40 pounds and he's three foot tall and he wanted a root beer. So I walked up to the lady behind the window at the churro hut and I said, just give me a small root beer. And she handed me a huge cup of. That's. That's my boy. And that's the cup. That's the small. And I said, excuse me, I, no, I just need a small cup. He's just a little kid that's 27 ounces of fucking root beer. Like that is, you know, 42 tablespoons of sugar in there. I said, he's not gonna drink it all anyway. I mean it's literally half his body mass in that cup. I said, wow, that was a nice job on pulling that picture up so fast. Oh, maybe we had already, but you can pull. I think I have another one or two you can take a look. At a certain point, I was obsessed with the cup size. Do you have another size? And they showed me Churro Factor, everybody. By the way, one of the signs. It's time to move to Canada. The LA Zoo has a place called the Churro Factory. Just one of the many indicators it may be time to pack it in. But I said, I said, we'll get a closer one of him. You can go to AdamCroll.com if you want to take a look. Now look, that fucking cup is bigger than his head.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's huge, okay?

[Alison Rosen]

So I said to the chick behind the counter, do you have another size? And she showed me a 55 gallon, like, commemorative drum with a gorilla painted on the side of it, like a snap lid and one of those, you know, articulating arm straws. Well, I have one that's. That's two gallons.

[Michael Madsen]

Take a bath.

[Alison Rosen]

And I was like, all right, I'll just take the half gallon. And then he dragged this thing around two hands all the way. You see, it's not a one hand, can't hand. It's too much cup for the boy. And I realized he doesn't want to drink 28 fluid ounces of root beer, but he's forced to because you guys have two sizes. You have huge and ginormous. And by the way, every kid waddling around that zoo is a fat ass. And maybe the fact that you, first off, that there's a place called the Churro Factory number one, number two, that you figured out a way to inject things into churros to make them more calorically rich, scientifically seems like, how can you get in churro with more calories? We'll inject fat into the churro number two. And that you're small as a tub. I mean, when I was a kid, you drank one fucking Shasta a week. It was after a popular football game. Like, you literally got 12 ounces of Shasta Cola and they put it. They put it in there. Christian, you taking a leak? All right, well, I'm ranting. Don't piss. I'll be ranting when you get back.

[Michael Madsen]

I like the hat.

[Alison Rosen]

Why? Why not? Boys name his name Sonny.

[Michael Madsen]

I like that.

[Alison Rosen]

Like Corleone.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's a waste of my time.

[Alison Rosen]

That's a saying. So why not offer at least, like, I don't know if I'm with Bloomberg saying outlaw the. The big, but at least give us a choice for $5 for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Because it's like, like, you know, movie theater cup size and pricing the child's is $3 and it's huge.

[Alison Rosen]

It's total bullshit. Which is, look, we'd like to rape everyone who enters our facility.

[Adam Carolla]

So we deduced that this is the best way.

[Alison Rosen]

We'd like to charge $4.99 for soft drink that's coming out of a hose that really cost us 18 cents. But if we we give them a Dixie Riddle cup full of it, they're going to cry foul. And since it only costs us 18 cents, let's just give them a tub of it. And thus they'll feel like they're getting something for their money when you're really just poisoning the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Alison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Michael Madsen]

Thank you. Father of five boys I six boys. I take that as a wonderful recitation of the truth and reality of what's going on at the churro factory.

[Alison Rosen]

Somebody's got to blow the lid off the churro factory.

[Michael Madsen]

So much.

[Adam Carolla]

Gotten away with too much for too long.

[Alison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I won't stand.

[Michael Madsen]

I won't is great. That's why I'm on this show to hear that kind of.

[Alison Rosen]

It's not going to happen under my watch.

[Michael Madsen]

I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Big churro is too powerful for its own good.

[Alison Rosen]

There's a new jefe. There's a new jefe in town. Churro factory. His name is Senor Corolla.

[Michael Madsen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And Bloomberg says the city that's New York spends 4 billion a year on medical care for overweight people and that this is something that the government actually can do.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're not saying only one drink per person.

[Alison Rosen]

I know, but look, ultimately nothing is going to work. I mean, look, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. The parents, the school system is always going to fail unless the parents are involved. The kids always going to be obese unless the parents get involved. There's always going to gangs, crime, whatever. Unless the parents are involved, we're fucked. Like, if you're looking for the city to raise your kid like, hey, he's going to provide a hot lunch at school. We're going to educate him and we're going to limit the amount of soda he can take. And it's never going to work. At some point mom and hopefully dad will chime in and go, go, you've had enough. You're getting a little fat. Let's work out. Let's go walk the dog. Let's move around a little. How about you have a little tap water instead of that Orangina and let's Take care of some business, for Christ's sake. Like at some point. Because it's never going to work. I say it all the time. How can a school work if the parents don't work? If a kid's going to drop out, he's going to drop out. It's the weirdest thing ever. Like we always go, you know what the dropout rate is? Well, what about the parents? What the fuck are the teachers supposed to do? They can't go round up kids. If your kid. If you got a class and there's 40 kids in there and three of them are missing, what are you supposed to do? Tell the other 37? Hold on. I got a business to take care of. I'll be back in about four hours. I'll get the tranquilizing gun and the net and saddle up my horse. I got some business to take care of.

[Michael Madsen]

Don't tase me, bro.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah. What the fuck are you gonna do? They're not there now. Look, they're somewhere and the parents have to get them there. It's not the school system's fault. They can't do anything.

[Michael Madsen]

That's true.

[Alison Rosen]

There's only so much society can do. We'll build the prisons and we'll pave the roads, but after that, it's the parents. If your kid's fat, it's the parents. If your kid's not showing up at school, it's your parents. Come on, parents, wake up.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, do you blame the mom of the face eater?

[Alison Rosen]

She didn't do a fantastic job with the lad.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Alison Rosen]

I mean, obviously C minus is about the ceiling on her grave.

[Adam Carolla]

He did have a record already.

[Alison Rosen]

He had a record.

[Adam Carolla]

But if not of anything like this.

[Alison Rosen]

Well, I basically look at it this way. There's mental illness, and when you're mentally ill, that's tough. And there's some parents that can't control their kids because of mental illness. But your kid is essentially a dog. And if it gets out of your property and bites somebody, especially if it's prone to biting and it gets over the fence, you get sued. The dog doesn't get sued and the guy who built the fence doesn't get sued. You get sued because your dog got out and it bit somebody. And that's kind of what I want with parents. But at a certain point, the kid becomes an adult, and if he's mentally ill, there's really nothing you can do about it.

[Adam Carolla]

But he read the Bible all the time.

[Alison Rosen]

I know he sent her a card. I used to work with those guys. Like, here's the thing about the Bible, it's diminishing returns. Like you reading the Bible once a week for 20 minutes, you're fine. Once you start getting into five hours a day, you're going to kill somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, well, same with like confession if you have to go in there all the time, what's going on?

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, I know. I used to work with the Mexican gangbangers, like the ex gangbangers who found Jesus Christ and they carried the Bible everywhere with them. Before we'd install closets, before I fired the van up, they would have to ask for traveling Mercy.

[Adam Carolla]

Did they put it in their back pocket like someone would carry a comb?

[Alison Rosen]

I was so miserable with these guys and their born again Christianity. I would ride in the back of the cube truck. It would be a cube truck, you know, like the door rolled open, you know, I'd get in the back, I'd take furniture pads that we used to carry all the closets, and I'd make a bed for myself like a hobo on a train. No sheets, but furniture pads. And I would go to sleep in the back of the cube truck and just say, you know, wake me up when we get to Redondo beach to whatever cool condo we're going to, to install this high class closet at. And that's what I would do. I got tired of the traveling. Mercy.

[Michael Madsen]

That was fascinating.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, they're gang bangers and they found, they basically found Jesus Christ and then they went overboard with Jesus Christ because they felt like, I think there's that feeling of the second I stop talking about Jesus Christ, I'm going to stab someone or rape someone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think it's program is keeping me in line and I don't want to be tempted to eat someone's cheek.

[Alison Rosen]

And by the way, if you're being devoured by a crazy man, that's got to be rough. If you see it out of the corner of your eye like, hey, isn't that your Bible? And then you grab the guy's Bible and try to fend him off with it. Like bashing him over the head with his own Bible.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn this paperback.

[Alison Rosen]

Tell you what you guys got to do. Go to meeting. Speaking of eating faces with HD faces. That's right. That's why they call me the ace, man. Go to meeting. Michael, you want to keep in touch with all your sons? Let's see what they love. Like, you hop on your computer, you go, you check out your iPad they got. You can download an app, by the way. App goes right on the iPad there. And then you can see everybody you're Talking to with GoToMeeting with HD faces brought to you by Citrix. We use it here. I used it today, talked to some Taco Bell guys today, and we used GoToMeeting to communicate. It makes every meeting that much better. Try go to. And we weren't going to have to schlep down to Irvine to talk to him. Just did it from the comfort, safety and convenience of my own home. Try go to meeting free for 45 days only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and enter the promo code Adam. Michael, what would Nick Nolte sound like if he was trying to get his iPad going with GoToMeeting?

[Michael Madsen]

There's go to meeting or something like that. It's, geez, I can't remember what the hell it's called. It's go to circles. Go to something. Put this bag over my head and go down to the supermarket. No one will recognize me. If I have a bag on my head, I'll just tear one hole right in the front. Instead of two holes for eyes, I'll just put one.

[Alison Rosen]

All right, take it home. Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, half cunt.

[Alison Rosen]

Yeah, that was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, somebody get Matson. The Matson clan here. A man. Great Fourth of July just got much better cooking. Cooking. I feel like butter. Right on your cooker, Christian. This thing. Michael, this is, this, is this, by the way, heavy. Danny. Danny DeVito did not provide as much happiness as I'm about to provide to you for the fourth year of July with that Mandrey pick. Try to pick that up. You may want to warm up. You may want to warm up first because that's a lot of Detroit iron right there. Cast right here in America. 100% American muscle. Just like that Mustang McQueen drove and bullet steakhouse quality grilling right in your own backyard or your front ocean, depending on how well you're doing. No more flare ups, no more dry meals. What I needed, guaranteed. Yeah. 20 bucks. Can you believe that's $20?

[Michael Madsen]

I'm gonna use this tonight.

[Alison Rosen]

In modern times, Michael, that is $20. That's what you get. That's the Adam Carolla show special. Just click on the man. Great [e-mail] as seen on TV. Yeah. As heard on a podcast. Doesn't quite have the same ring, does it?

[Adam Carolla]

Not yet, but it will.

[Alison Rosen]

Not yet. But one day. One day, huh?

[Michael Madsen]

It's like a weapon.

[Alison Rosen]

That's a bad boy. Don't try to fly with that. Lucy's it is out on DVD at Amazon. And you guys know what to do if you're going to go to Amazon, you go to AdamCroll.com you click on the banner and you put a little win in the sale of the pirate ship, which is going along quite nicely. Thank you to all who listen and tell a friend and go to any Amazon and support the show. We could not do it without you. MichaelMatson.com is where you go. Twitter is Matson the Poet. Matson the Poet. American badass. I think I get that right. Where is that? Yeah, yeah. Name of the book that is out Amazon as well. Christian, thank you so much for having me. Come back when you have a big hit TV show. Baby, I love to. It's so surreal to be here. Listen to you guys. Guys. For like a year and a half. Really? Yeah. It's a very lonely thing being an actor. And so podcast was something cool to find. Well, we're glad we could be your beacon. Oh, yeah. In the night. So I know when I was a kid, my dad never took me to a podcast. Never? Oh, I mean, almost never. A couple of times.

[Bald Brian]

You're exaggerating again.

[Alison Rosen]

It was so cool to see bald Brian. When I walked in, I was like, that's him. That's what he looks like.

[Bald Brian]

Like, that's the first time those words have ever been uttered.

[Alison Rosen]

That was so cool to see him. All right, so until next time, this is for Michael Manson shirt, Christian Manson, Allison Rosen, and bald Brian saying, mahalo.

[Michael Madsen]

I love you, Mom. You're only half a cunt.

[Giovanni]

All right, there's Adam Colisho, 836 with the late, great Michael Matt Madsen along with Christian Madsen, Allison Rose, and Brian Bishop. That does it for today's cult classics. Until tomorrow, mahalo and get it on.