Pete Holmes Roasts Ellen and Does Al Pacino Impression

Summary

Podcast Summary: Adam Carolla Show – "Pete Holmes Roasts Ellen and Does Al Pacino Impression"

Date: March 24, 2026
Host: Adam Carolla
Guest: Pete Holmes
Producer/News: Mike Dawson

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode features comedian Pete Holmes, who joins Adam Carolla for an engaging, freewheeling conversation blending observational comedy, personal anecdotes, roasts, riffs on comedy etiquette, and some sharp-edged social commentary. The discussion covers Holmes’ comedic evolution, the subtleties of stand-up, industry stories (including a comedic deconstruction of Ellen DeGeneres), etiquette in both comedy and everyday life, and rapid-fire riffs on pop culture, language, and more.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Comedy Etiquette & Comedy Evolution

• Comedian-to-Comedian Rapport: Adam and Pete explore what it means to make comedy for fellow comedians vs. the wider public. Adam praises Pete’s special as “smart and simultaneously silly and also a little provocative” (05:00), noting its broad coverage of styles and topics. Pete explains he’s not targeting utilitarian, crowd-pleasing routines but seeks to grow, think, and share.
• On developing material: Pete muses that good comedy needs to be “a little bit like a weird dream you had: goofy up top, maybe gets confusing, then a little frightening” (06:16).
• Serving the Audience vs. Serving Yourself: Both reflect on balancing personal growth as comics with keeping the audience engaged. “At some point, if the troops aren’t enjoying what you’re serving, then maybe you’re not serving them.” (07:54, Adam)
• “Burger” vs. “Jicama Reduction”: The ongoing metaphor of crafting comedy “burgers” for audiences, with Pete joking about a “utilitarian routine that everyone is on board for” but noting that’s never what got him into comedy (06:46).

2. Notable Riff: Q-Tips, Ellen, and Comedic Premise Etiquette

• Q-Tip Bit and Ellen’s Infamy: The infamous “don’t put Q-Tips in your ear” routine is discussed, leading to bashing Ellen DeGeneres for shooting down other comics’ premises.
  • Adam recounts, “[Jimmy Kimmel] tried to do the Q-Tip bit [on Ellen], and she just... she did not graduate to Groundlings” (14:13–15:21).
  • Pete: “You’re supposed to say ‘yes!’ The guy’s trying. He’s floating a premise” (15:30).
  • Adam and Pete agree: the role of a comic is to support the premise, not shoot it down.
• Comedy Collaboration Principle: They contrast Ellen’s failure to “yes-and” with Kimmel’s supportive vibe and Colbert’s similar talk-show interruption—both as teachable moments in comedic rhythm and etiquette (23:20–27:01).
  • Memorable Exchange:
    • Adam: “If Cynthia Szigeti from the Groundlings was still alive, she’d come and hit her with a fucking folding chair.” (15:23)
    • Pete (on Kimmel): “When I did the Q-tip bit on Kimmel... he lights up and he’s like ‘yes!’” (15:53)

3. Stand-Up, Life, & The Evolution of Audiences

• Holmes discusses how his act and audience have evolved, especially with material about religion, identity, and sensitive topics (31:43–35:23).
• The Trans Joke Example: Pete details how he crafted a joke about the “13th floor” to demonstrate how society bends to people’s feelings all the time—drawing parallels with pronoun debates and poking fun at both progressive and resistant audiences (33:13–34:10, 35:09–35:23).

4. Nostalgia, Everyday Annoyances, and Life Etiquette

• Store Smells and 90s Nostalgia: The pair talk about how stores used to have unique smells—a humorous, sharply-observed bit about cultural changes (10:09–11:16, 11:31).
  • Pete: “You know who still has smells? If you go to a small town health food store, it smells exactly like 1991.” (10:48)
• Cash, Car Seats, and Hotel Etiquette:
  • Pete and Adam swap stories about cash, parents’ habits, valets never resetting car seats, and why nobody “undoes” actions (putting things back as found).
  • Adam: “Everybody does. Nobody undoes.” (59:28)

5. Roasting Ellen & Late-Night Comedy Etiquette

• Anecdotes about Ellen’s behind-the-scenes persona emerge, with Adam calling her dance persona “faking it.” Holmes uses this as a metaphor for not wanting to burn out in his own stand-up—preferring quality over sheer quantity of gigs (25:01–25:59).
• Comedy “racing rules”: Adam compares comedy etiquette to car racing—there are unwritten rules for how to let a premise play out or “stay in your line” onstage (26:07–27:01).

6. Pop Culture, Language, and Social Commentary

• Vibrator/Q-Tip parallels: A recurring riff draws parallels between 1960s “personal massagers” sold as neck massagers and Q-tips marketed for everything but their real use. “The Q-tip is the 60s dildo of today” (13:01).
• Language, insults, and gender: Pete and Adam riff on terms like "douchebag," "cocksucker," and the evolution of language as insults cross gender lines (66:00–67:22).
  • Pete: "I love a lady who says, ‘suck my dick!’" (65:41)
• On “doers vs. undoers:” The show’s refrain—people do things (move the clock, change the seat) but never put things back: "Everyone does. No one undoes" (56:15).
• On Boston: Holmes makes an extended riff about the unique blue-collar mean-smart energy of Boston (“They love the R word; never stopped...” 63:59–64:53).

7. Al Pacino Impressions and Movie References

• Pete channels his Al Pacino voice for a segment on the film "Cruising," leading to playful riffing about coded signals in the 1970s gay club scene (46:05–49:42).
  • Pete (as Pacino): “I like golden showers. It’s a wonderful thing when a man’s dehydrated and you’re dirty. You want to get clean, but also filthy.” (49:42)

8. Philosophical and Social Hot Buttons

• Pete riffs seriously (but comedically) about how we treat prisoners, societal attitudes to sexual assault in prison, and legal/ethical blindness to these issues (38:52–41:32).
  • Memorable moment: Pete attempts a controversial bit connecting “buzz driving is drunk driving” PSAs, legal technicalities, and how quickly regular people could end up in jail due to chance circumstances (39:14–40:24).

9. Miscellaneous Observational Humor

• Complaints about Hotels and Maids: The hosts compare notes on maids/housekeepers moving things or changing settings, with repeated bits about clock orientation and slippers (“Wicker please. They’re by your bed. That’s where it is.” 53:59).
  • Both advocate tipping housekeepers generously and writing thank you notes (60:39).
• Tall Guy Problems: Adam corrects Pete on door height; fun banter about how only short valets move seats all the way forward (58:02–59:12).

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with timestamps)

• "I want a comedy special to be a little bit like a weird dream you had..." – Pete Holmes [06:08]
• "You’re supposed to say yes! ...The guy’s trying." – Pete Holmes on Ellen’s failed improv [15:30]
• "If Cynthia Szigeti from the Groundlings was still alive, she’d come and hit her with a fucking folding chair." – Adam Carolla [15:23]
• "Everybody does. Nobody undoes." – Adam Carolla [59:28]
• "[Ellen] faking it on her show to make us think she's a nice person." – Adam Carolla [25:13]
• On language:
  • "I love a lady who says 'suck my dick!'" – Pete Holmes [65:41]
  • Pete: "In Boston... You know the rest of the country has retired the R word, right? They fucking love it. They never stop." [63:59]
• On Q-tips:
  • "The Q-tip is the 60s dildo of today." – Pete Holmes [13:01]
  • "You’re not supposed to put this in your ear even though it’s the best thing you can do with it." – Adam Carolla [14:22]
• Al Pacino Impression:
  • "It’s a wonderful thing when a man’s dehydrated and you’re dirty. You want to get clean, but also filthy..." – Pete Holmes as Pacino [49:42]
• On Boston blue-collar:
  • "Your guys are mean and smart and racist." – Adam Carolla [64:53]
• On 'doers' and 'undoers':
  • "You need the tab [from the valet] and I need the seat pulled up. But now I’m done with both things. ...These are the people... because they’re done. They do, but they don’t undo." – Adam Carolla [59:31]

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Fun & Memorable Pop Culture Bits

• Q-tips, “relaxicizer” dildos, and 1960s marketing.
• Army surplus & health food store smells, 90s nostalgia.
• Gay bandana codes from the movie “Cruising” and Al Pacino riffs.
• Boston’s love for politically incorrect insults.
• “Nobody undoes”: A refrain about hotel maids, valets, and the etiquette of returning things to how you found them.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment | Description | |----------|----------------------------------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 05:00 | Praise for Pete Holmes' comedy | Adam discusses Pete’s stand-up style and versatility | | 07:54 | “Burger vs. Chef’s Special” metaphor | Comic taste vs. crowd-pleasing comedy | | 13:01 | Q-Tip/dildo analogy begins | Pete and Adam riff on Q-tips, 1960s dildos, and product honesty | | 15:21 | Ellen DeGeneres talk show etiquette roast | Ellen’s refusal to “yes-and” a guest, contrasted to Kimmel | | 23:20 | Pete on doing Q-tip bit on Kimmel | Good “yes-and” talk show experience | | 25:13 | Ellen “faking it” story at Kimmel’s wedding | Behind-the-scenes story on Ellen’s TV persona vs. real self | | 27:01 | Comedy “racing rules” and etiquette | “Staying on your line” in improv and comedy | | 33:30 | “13th floor” trans joke, crowd reactions | How Pete tests boundaries with different audiences | | 38:52 | Prison sexual assault social commentary | Pete’s philosophical riff on sentencing and prison culture | | 46:05 | Al Pacino “Cruising” movie riff | Pete’s Pacino impression and riff on gay club culture and codes | | 49:28 | Etiquette: maids, undoers/doers | Extended bit on hotels, housekeepers, and shared spaces | | 58:02 | Tall guy problems and valets | Adam and Pete talk door heights, car seats, and “everybody does, nobody undoes”| | 63:59 | Boston, language, and insults | Political correctness, regionalism, and “retired” words | | 65:41 | Gender-flipped swearing | Evolution of insults crossing gender lines |

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

• The episode is playful, irreverent, and sharply observational, mixing grumpy-old-man nostalgia, stand-up craft, and pop culture skewering.
• Listeners get an inside view into comedian etiquette, the process behind good stand-up, show-biz stories, and the informal codes that guide both the comedy world and everyday life.
• Adam and Pete’s chemistry is rich and quick, with both quick to roast, but also to give each other the floor for bits.
• The Ellen roast becomes a stand-in for wider conversations about authenticity, performance, and the changing mores of comedy.
• Recurring themes: “Yes-and”-ing, not “undoing,” loving the craft of comedy, and still finding the silly and absurd in daily life.

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Heard the Episode

This episode is a real treat for comedy nerds and fans of Adam Carolla’s conversational, observational humor. Whether riffing about Q-tips, dissecting the etiquette of comedy, or channeling Al Pacino, Pete Holmes and Adam Carolla keep things moving, subversive, and genuine. You’ll laugh at the relatable gripes and root for their clear love of comedy’s craft and camaraderie.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

Huzzah.

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Pete Holmes]

you start making a McDonald's burger and never stop. The Big Arch, the most McDonald's McDonald's burger yet for a limited time.

[Mike Dawson]

From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, Pete Holmes. Plus the news with me, Mike Dawson. And now, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but get on. Mandate you get it on. Pete Holmes back. Everybody get it on.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta get it on. There's a mandate to get it on. That just sounded fun to say, you know. Thanks for having me, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Always good to see Pete Holmes. Watched the whole stand up special. You did not. I watched the whole thing and, you know, I can't believe it. That's very funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Pete is when you're a comedian, you understand more about comedy than most folk who go to a comedy Club. Because you. You are a comedian yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're part of it. As in any profession works that way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

When lawyers watch a movie about lawyers, they go, he would never. No. That guy. No. You don't take deposition.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, we don't call it hog. You know what I mean? There would be a million things wrong if you or I wrote a movie about butchers.

[Adam Carolla]

I was. The only thing I have an expertise in is in cars and in building, and it ruins every movie because, like, at some point, F1. Oh, well. Well, F1. Yeah. Well, there's a part at the end of F1 with Brad Pitt.

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't know. I didn't make it.

[Adam Carolla]

Where he's like driving his van through the Baja desert and there's like a wanted driver for the Baja 5000, you know, and he pulls it off and he pulls up to poor Mexican family with a Sandra dune buggy or trophy truck, and he goes, you need a driver. And they're like, yes, senor, you drive.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause that's how it goes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, People don't recruit guys to drive their trophy truck.

[Pete Holmes]

They're corporates now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You just put the thing on a telephone pole.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how they find comedians as well.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that bothered me. But I'll tell you what always bothers me too. Whenever they use the nail gun as a weapon and lethal. Lethal weapon. They'll pick it up on the job site and fire it to the guy. But you can't. There's a safety. You got to depress it. You can't just pick up a nail gun and fire it.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know that because when I used to fire at people, I'd have to hold the safety in with the

[Pete Holmes]

other hand, which was really annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, usually that's where you hold their throat. Shoot them.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to be fingering one of their eyes while you're also nail gunning

[Adam Carolla]

them so you know the way it goes. So Pete is funny. Like his stand up. His stand up is funny. Well, I watch the whole thing because by law, you have to watch the first few minutes, and then normally you go from responsible host to bored audience member and you just tune out.

[Pete Holmes]

No, but I'm saying that to you as a friend, but also as a podcast host who hosts a lot of people. And I'm not ashamed to say I have comedians on my show. I'll watch the first 15. Yeah, and that's fine. Maybe you jump to the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not because you're not enjoying it. It's just because you just want to preach.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean. I mean. But, Pete. Well, you know, I was actually doing work around here, so I just had it. My phone, and I just had it playing the whole time. Because while you're a delight, visually at least I got all the material verbally.

[Pete Holmes]

It should play audio, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it should play audio.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm old school.

[Adam Carolla]

But Pete's stuff is, like, smart and then simultaneously silly and then also a little provocative and kind of falls under the heading of kind of makes you think, but also funny. Some funny accents and voices and stuff. It's really covering a lot of great ground these days.

[Pete Holmes]

It's been a lot. Yeah, but it all happened naturally. I hope it feels that way. I'm not a guy going, like, how do I get a silly voice in here? It's like the joke demands it. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But I want a comedy special to be a little bit like a weird dream you had, and it should be, like, a little, like, goofy up top. Maybe it gets confusing over here. Then it's like a little frightening. Like, why is he mad? Why is he talking about God? And then you're just spat out at the other side.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. With like, an element of. I like this joke, but it's almost like a chef cooking for himself at a certain point, because your palate is more advanced than the folks who want hot dogs and burgers. That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I've wanted to do, as a joke I never will a tour called Is this what yout Wanted, Right? Where I just try to make an act that is just, like, what would do the best. But that's not what got me into comedy. You know what I mean? Like, I've even thought, like, oh, I could do a tour that's just closers. Like, all my closers from all my special. I'm like, that's not why I got into this. I want to be thinking, I want to be growing, I want to be sharing, and I want to be seen. You know what I mean? So, like, the idea of doing, like, a utilitarian routine that everyone is on board for is so uninteresting to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I talked to Louis CK about this once, and we were kind of breaking it down, which is which Louis Gray.

[Pete Holmes]

Louis Glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that new Louis. New Louis.

[Pete Holmes]

The new evolved Louis.

[Adam Carolla]

The new adventures of new Louis.

[Pete Holmes]

I love this Louis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he said, we're kind of breaking it down. It's like, you know, the audience wants a burger that's right, because nobody doesn't want a burger. And you want to serve up something that involves zest of jicama or something that's.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a reduction.

[Adam Carolla]

There's some reduction involved. But at some point, if the troops aren't enjoying what you're serving, then maybe you're not serving them. And so the question is, is there a way you can give them that cheese or give them what you're wanting to cook and they can consume it like a cheeseburger? Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think if you're accessing or addressing every part of yourself, some of it will be cheeseburger. You know, I mean, I think there's some jokes in there. The first joke in the special is about houses that make you take your shoes off. Always have a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Which is it? Dick shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like I just watch your dog take a shaky leg, loose stool, diarrhea dump on your front lawn, and he just walked right in past the shoes you made me take off. So, like, that's a. That's kind of a burger, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. By the way, I feel the same way about the hipster dude who wears a super tight short sleeve shirt and a scarf. I'm like, is it hot? Is it cold? Which is it?

[Pete Holmes]

Which isn't Mr. Depp.

[Adam Carolla]

Which isn't Mr. Depp. Right. Well, one of the jokes is one of the jokes that it caught my ear and I thought was interesting and I hearkened back to something that happened a million times. We're hearkening now. We're hearkening now. You go on the Adam Crawler show. He's harkening, he's reminiscing.

[Pete Holmes]

Harkening.

[Adam Carolla]

Go. It's a Q tip joke where they go, here's a Q tip, but don't put it in your ear. Yes, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Which was an observation I made on stage the first time in, I think, 2004. And then I sat on it for two decades and I was like, yes, I'm going back.

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting. It always reminded me of. There was a army surplus store in my neighborhood. You kids will never know the smell of an army surplus store. Yeah. Gas mask, vulcanized rubber meets like some sort of deer repellent meets failure.

[Pete Holmes]

And a little homophobic.

[Adam Carolla]

A little homophobia. And like a whiff of homophobia. And like this sort of a Korean conflict, a dusting of Korean conflict, Korean conflict in here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird place. But as soon as you walk in, like, as a matter of fact, all you young people, you don't remember that Stores had their own smell.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

The army surplus had a smell. The hobby shop had its own smell.

[Pete Holmes]

Target worked really hard to have no smell.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That was like their way. There's no smell anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

You won't even if you blindfolded me and took me to a Target. No way.

[Adam Carolla]

Or I could take you anywhere. And there is any chain.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There's just no smell.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

But places used to have smells.

[Pete Holmes]

They had smell like fingerprints.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because also the businesses were weird. Some of them had a cat. Of course. Like their cat would just be walking around. I can't leave him at home all day. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I could tell by smell. The difference between a CVS in the 90s and a Walgreens in the 90s.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

I think I could.

[Adam Carolla]

Places had smells.

[Pete Holmes]

You know who still has smells, by the way? This is not. This is going to sound like pre rehearsed material because I was so ready to talk about smells. If you go to like a small town health food store, it smells exactly like 1991. It's the only one that held on to a smell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because carob. It's its own smell.

[Pete Holmes]

Something about Brazil nuts and feet.

[Adam Carolla]

Stuff in barrels.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're buying lentils in bulk, you gotta smell.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right. You're right. The health food store had a smell.

[Pete Holmes]

Kiefer is there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But every, like even the dentist's office. Like every. The transmission repair, barbershops. Barbershops smell like sugar cream. Every place had their own smell. And fantastic. Sam's doesn't have a smell.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

Hobby lobby.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they reeks of homophobia in there.

[Adam Carolla]

But like they.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't have smells. It was the first thing we cleaned up.

[Adam Carolla]

So the Q tips. The Q tip, of course, you gotta put it in your ear.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, when I was thinking of it but making me laugh is at the army surplus store in North Hollywood where I grew up. They had behind the counter. Like behind the counter they'd have the buck knives and the scopes for your rifles. Like the higher end stuff, the real stuff and was first gen. Basically vibrators for women were just white and smooth and tapered and you twist the bottom and it'd fire up. And it showed a drawing of a woman putting it on her shoulder.

[Pete Holmes]

This was the way this was really

[Adam Carolla]

gonna alleviate that pain. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's called like the ecstasizer or something.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's like, oh, my shoulder's so Tired. And that's the same way I feel about the Q tip. Like we know where this is going. That would have been a great opportunity. Stop the charade.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a 60s dildo.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a 60s dildo.

[Pete Holmes]

The Q tip is a 60s D.

[Adam Carolla]

You find that box. Andrew Dawson's fine for. It's just a drawing of a woman putting it like on her shoulder in

[Pete Holmes]

the first season of Mad Men. Peggy is supposed to. It's the relaxicizer and she's supposed to take it home. She puts it on and she has an orgasm and she's like, I had no idea. And they go, it was very relaxing. That's the only thing they were allowed to say.

[Adam Carolla]

The Q tip tip is the modern day.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the 60s dildo of today.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I looked at the box. I'm pretty sure if it has the word ear on it, it's just to say don't put it in your ear.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That feels very you. Right. I say some ding dong in the 70s went too deep, touched his brain, ruined it for the rest of us. So they can't say it for legal reasons.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it can do damage. But it made me realize, no, you're

[Pete Holmes]

skating on thin ice with a Q tip.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody is hopping on the Ellen bashing train now. It's all in vogue to. Is something happening to make Ellen a bad person just because of. She's mean.

[Pete Holmes]

She was mean.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember this, but the first time Kimmel ever did Ellen show. And I'm gonna say, I don't know, circa 2006 or 5 or something by his weight. Yes, he is doing Ellen's show. And I had already done Ellen's show 2004. And it's weird because she said season three of his TV show. Anyway, I'm confused. All right. The point is this. He tried to do the Q tip bit. No. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm thrilled. Can I see his take?

[Adam Carolla]

We'll watch it. It's not anything close to yours, but it's the same observation.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it was in the ether.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not supposed to put this in your ear even though it's the best

[Pete Holmes]

thing you can do with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But listen to Ellen's reaction. She did not graduate to groundlings. Here we go.

[Ellen DeGeneres]

I appreciate that.

[Adam Carolla]

How are you feeling? Because what's going on? Do you.

[Ellen DeGeneres]

I'm feeling better. I had an ear infection actually, which was. It's trouble when. Well, luckily I don't listen to the guests anyway when I do the show. So it wasn't really a Problem. But I just go off the cards and I say whatever is written down. But I had an ear infection because I'm obsessive about flossing and clipping my nails and cleaning my ears. And, you know, they tell you not to put the Q tip in the inner ear. Mine is poking all the way through the other side. They would sell no Q tips if you didn't stick them in the inner ear. You go for the whole ear, right? I mean, that's the way it is.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Ellen DeGeneres]

You don't. No wonder I poke my ear. You don't really?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you don't do it that far in. I mean, I don't know what you're talking about exactly, but. All right, hold on. Pause it. Thanks for the comedy help, bitch. No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, no.

[Mike Dawson]

It's like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's literally like you just go. First off, if Cynthia Sagetti from the Groundlings was still live today, she'd come and hit her with a fucking folding chair.

[Pete Holmes]

You're supposed to say, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy's trying.

[Pete Holmes]

Like me with the smells.

[Adam Carolla]

He's floating a premise. I'm floating a premise. Yes. I remember health food stores. They're the only ones that held onto the smells. And five and dimes had their own dime. God love them. And 60s dildos.

[Pete Holmes]

We've been a perfect example of listening. And can I blow your mind? I did the Q tip bit on Kimmel.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can see him finally getting his comeuppance when I did his show, and I was like, q tips.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I knew.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew. And he loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

This clip is over 20 years old, and it just popped into my head. I was like, but hold on. I just want to hear her say no one more time. Just if there are any kids listening. Here's how you don't do comedy. You have somebody float a premise that is a universal trick. Everybody puts it, and then you shoot it down.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe she's thinking, legally, I don't know. I can't know.

[Ellen DeGeneres]

Well, luckily, I don't listen to the guests anyway when I do the show, so it wasn't really a problem. But I just go off the cards and I say whatever is written down. But I had an ear infection because I am obsessive about flossing and clipping my nails and cleaning my ears. And, you know, they tell you not to. To put the Q tip in the inner ear. Mine is poking all the way through the other side. They would sell no Q tips if you didn't stick them in the inner ear. You go for the whole ear, right? I mean, that's the way it used to be.

[Pete Holmes]

This is crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

No wonder I earned that. No, don't. Really. No, no. You don't do it that far in. I mean, I don't know what you're talking about exactly, but you go, I don't know what you can. I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know what he's talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have to pull it up. But when I did the bit on Kimmel and I said I put it in my ear, he lights up and he's like, yes. He probably doesn't even remember doing this.

[Adam Carolla]

First time, when Jimmy vibes with something, he vibed. Like, the first time I met him, I was like, I don't like black people. And he was like, yes. He lit up. He. Like a Christmas tree.

[Pete Holmes]

Closed the blinds, closed the blinds, unplugged the Alexa. And he jumped in. Cause this was recently, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, look at my lady. Oh, there she is. She's got her vibrator.

[Pete Holmes]

Another one. Give it to her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. She's massaging that neck.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, that's very suggestive. That's very suggestive.

[Adam Carolla]

It had to be fun. I'm getting it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Grand Prix Enterprises. It'll take you to the finish line.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. I used to love stuff that was like, you know what I miss? Cod Cash on delivery.

[Pete Holmes]

Pay when it gets there.

[Adam Carolla]

Order stuff. By the way, could you imagine today? Like, allow seven to 26 weeks for delivery? Like, it's insane.

[Pete Holmes]

It was six to eight weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything back of the comic book.

[Pete Holmes]

What was X ray specs? I was dumb enough and young enough to think because remember the ad at different time, you put on the X ray specs, and it was the guy looking through his hand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And looking through a woman's dress.

[Mike Dawson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it was just like, here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, we know what you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

See it all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I ordered it six to eight. And that means eight to ten.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd wait ten weeks?

[Adam Carolla]

Ten weeks.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a kid now. If it's not primed, she's like, where the hell is it?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know. And back to the nostalgic days of the.

[Pete Holmes]

There it is.

[Adam Carolla]

The store. The hardware store, or I should say the army surplus store. Stuff was not open on Sunday. Yeah, you were screwed. You had to do your own thing on Sunday.

[Pete Holmes]

Or, if you remember, people would take money out of the bank on Friday. And if you didn't, you just didn't have any money?

[Adam Carolla]

Did your parents have a job where there was money in the house? Yeah. Like I'll give you an example.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

My buddy Ray.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry I have to do this, Adam. I'm sponsored by Bubbly.

[Adam Carolla]

My buddy Ray.

[Pete Holmes]

That's better than lacroix.

[Adam Carolla]

They lived in apartments, they had no money. His adult middle aged mom was a cocktail waitress and so she had handfuls of cash.

[Pete Holmes]

Cash rich.

[Adam Carolla]

And so it wasn't a big deal. Like if Ray go, could I have five bucks? You go, she just throw him five bucks. Cause she just had a ball. She'd come home with a ball. My dad and mom, zero money. No atm, no credit cards, no cash. There was never. Couldn't buy stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

No. My dad, it's one of the. I used to think, I still think it's really cool. My dad is like a flash money guy. You'll like this. As a car person, there was something wrong with the car. We brought it to a body shop and they were like, we can't take it. And my dad, he did it in front of me. He had a couple hundreds at the end of his dad wad. It's like a pocket fold. And he's showing the hunter. He's like, are you sure there isn't. I saw him bribing the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd your dad do?

[Pete Holmes]

He was a home heating oil delivery guy who bought some properties. So he was a landlord and he still delivers oil.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah. Is he driving a truck?

[Pete Holmes]

He is.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And it took his hearing so bad. Really, he can't. I mean, he can.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Was misuse of Q tip swabs. Oh my God, yes, it was. Dad, we have a lawsuit. That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

His truck was so loud.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember. Really?

[Pete Holmes]

I would go to work with him and it'd be in that truck.

[Adam Carolla]

Have a big tank on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Huge tank. Huge tank. Go and fill it up. You know, like Air Force One. Fill it up from the top. So he was like, he's old school in that way. He wants cash. He always used to say, you feel better with a couple of bucks in your pocket?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

And I do that with my daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he kick it down to you? I mean, did he kick it over to you? No, I mean, would he kick some over to you? Like if you needed to buy some?

[Pete Holmes]

If my dad was having a few beers and watching a game that he was gambling on, which wasn't often, but he'd do it from time to time and he was winning. Just sit next to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

He'd just Be giving me money. A very fond memory.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd your mom do?

[Pete Holmes]

She was just a mom. Yeah, I shouldn't say that. I mean, that's a big job.

[Adam Carolla]

Most important job in the world.

[Pete Holmes]

Most important job in the world. But she was a church.

[Adam Carolla]

That anyone can do.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

Mostly.

[Pete Holmes]

How much cash do you have on you right now?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have. I don't have any, but I have put it my. Put it in my car.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you have cash in the car,

[Adam Carolla]

Cash in the car. I have car cash, car cash, Gotta have car cash. You gotta have it.

[Pete Holmes]

Something goes wrong. But I like carrying. I shouldn't say this because that'll be a real mark, but I do like carrying cash. I love when a comedy club pays you back in the day. Now they have to wire it. It's too much risk.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

But I love having cash and I love carrying it because what situation except being robbed? Are you sad that you have a lot of money on you?

[Adam Carolla]

Never.

[Pete Holmes]

Never.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you doing a lot of dates?

[Pete Holmes]

I go out about once a month, sometimes twice, but once a month. And the rest of the time I'm just a dad with my wife and my daughter and being pretty boring.

[Adam Carolla]

You could go out more than that.

[Pete Holmes]

I could go out more than that. And I like. I want. Here. Here's the thing about me in comedy. Some people, when I started, I was going up every night, several times a night. That was formative. But then once you're good, you can trim the bonsai tree, how you want to trim it. And I like going out once a month because I look forward to it. If it's Tampa and then it's fucking Indiana and then it's Michigan, you know, I just go like, what am I selling? Shoes? I want to be excited to see them. And it paces it out. It gives me time in between to refine it and work on it, but also gives me time to just fucking relax. There's so many. I know. You know these people. Super sick. Maybe you are. Do you go out a lot? It's fine if you do.

[Adam Carolla]

It depends. But, yeah, every other weekend is usually when I go out.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I respect that. I know a lot of people who tour constantly, and I'm like, you know, they always say, make hay while the sun's out. And I'm like, you realize the people that tell you that are making 10% of your hay, that's something you motown. You whisper it to them like, you know, your fans might not like you in six months. It's like, Right? Yeah. We've been doing this for 20 years. I think we can relax a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we got you, me and Kimmel. All right.

[Pete Holmes]

With the long hair. I put Q tips deep in my ear.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, look, you guys put Q tips.

[Ellen DeGeneres]

Now you're speaking my language.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the opposite of Ellen. That's right. That's the best.

[Ellen DeGeneres]

Yes, it is the greatest pleasure a human can experience.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, all right, what?

[Pete Holmes]

One cent.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's contrast. You gotta match up him and Alan. Alan just going, nope, no. Not gonna buy. By the way, I get violent when comedians do that to other comedians. Because it's like, you of all people should know this is a carnal sin of comedy to deny what this other person is doing. And by the way, the least outlandish premise in the world is saying I put a cute face.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the face you make with your Kimmel. I don't like black people riff.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the case. I'm bring it all full circle. I can tell you this. I went to Kimmel's wedding. Kimmel had a world class band.

[Pete Holmes]

That's where I live, by the way, where he got married.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, like up north?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's nice. Oh, no wonder you don't want to go on the fucking row. You gotta move over here.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly right.

[Adam Carolla]

So he had, I don't know, 35 piece orchestra and they're playing all night and everybody danced and there was 200 people there.

[Pete Holmes]

Great.

[Adam Carolla]

But there was one person that did not dance.

[Pete Holmes]

Leno.

[Adam Carolla]

Ellen.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I was just sitting there going, she dances. It sounds like a GEICO commercial. Like happier than Ellen at a wedding. She'd be dancing the whole time. Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly right.

[Adam Carolla]

But there was one person who didn't, and that was only Ellen. And then I realized, oh, she's faking it on her show to make us think she's a nice person.

[Pete Holmes]

I like the full conspiracy on it, which is great. This is what we were just talking about. That's why I go out once a month, because I don't want to fake it. When I go up on stage, part of my thing is being excited, being very hyper attuned, paying a lot of attention to the crowd. And if I perform too much, I'm Ellen sitting at a wedding because I'm like, I don't want to dance. It feels like work. So I want to say, I want to keep my life funny. I want to be fun with my friends. I don't want to get to the point where I'm Burned out. Can I. Maybe you can find this clip. There's a clip where I'm on Colbert. I really think you'll like this. Where he. It's like group mode. Like group mode, solo mode. Pete Holmes. Colbert will probably get you there. And he interrupts my premise. He's doing it to be funny, but he ruins the bit. And I yell at him.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he'll get it. Yeah. I do that to Dr. Drew. Of course you do.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe I got this from you. Just, like, sling it out. Why not?

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing. There needs to be. All right. I like to race cars. And when you race cars, there has to be a sort of general understanding, because otherwise it's kind of bedlam in chaos out there, and everyone has to kind of agree to. It's expensive and it's potentially dangerous. And so you have to kind of stick to the rules, you know? Sure, of course. And they're like weird rules. Like, if somebody is overtaking you, someone's passing you. Yep. They got a faster car and they're lapping you or something. You just have to stay on the racing line. They have to figure out a way to get pat around you. But you don't start darting around and moving all over the place. You just keep driving on the line. Yes. And they'll get around you.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And comedy kind of has a little of that etiquette.

[Pete Holmes]

I completely agree. And people don't know unless they know how bad it feels to crash or have been grown up watching it. And we do have people in comedy now that don't know a lot of things. I'm seeing a lot of mic stand in front of the comic.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Just basic stuff. Take the mic out, and the stand just stays. It's literally upstaging them.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Pete Holmes]

The mic stand is more important to everybody. Little things like that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want to see this clip?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm excited for you to see it. I'm proud of this. It's hard going out because we were all inside for so long. Yeah. I think we're all relearning how to be in public. I was recently noticing. Think about this. For the first time, we all have group mode. Like, right now, you and I are in group mode because we're together.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's a group, and there's a group. But then you also have solo mode. Like, as soon as I walk back to my hotel, earbuds in, hoodie up.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you're an assassin.

[Pete Holmes]

Like an assassin.

[Mike Dawson]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. What I notice is everybody has no. Keep it going. Recently was I got to watch someone go from group mode to solo mode in real time. How do you see someone go to

[Adam Carolla]

solo mode if you're there?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm telling you. You know, don't blow holes in my premise as I'm going into it.

[Adam Carolla]

You're a trained comedian. I'm your guest. Help me shine.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry to laugh at myself, but what a fond memory.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just whenever you can go off and have a genuine moment. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

And he loved it, too. I mean, that was fun.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree with that. And to be fair to him, half a point.

[Pete Holmes]

No, he wasn't wrong. That's what made it extra frustrating. He's correct.

[Adam Carolla]

It does. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Dr. Drew does this to me all the time. Everyone gets mad at me for getting mad at Dr. Drew, but I argue. He could stop doing it, too.

[Pete Holmes]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

There's that part, that story where you're telling the story and you go, my wife called and said, before you leave work, do not forget your travel mug. You always leave it at work. So I took the travel mug and I put it by the door at work so I wouldn't forget it. And then the phone rang, and I was getting walking in my car and I got distracted. But then I remembered the travel mug was back. So I went to go get the travel mug, but at that second, a dog started barking. Anyway, long story short, I got home and they go, and you forgot to travel mug. Okay, just let me finish. Let me finish my own.

[Pete Holmes]

I made the cake.

[Adam Carolla]

I faked it. I faked it. Can I eat it? Can I have one slice of fucking cake before you put your ass on it, doctor? Finish it. Fuck you, Dr. Drew. Do not finish. Fuck you, Dr. Drew. I don't know why.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Pacino. Fuck you. Oh, Dr. Drew. Gonna tell me how to get a boner, big man?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Dr. Drew.

[Pete Holmes]

More like Dr. Pepper.

[Adam Carolla]

Also eat my whole ass. You know when people. As a raconteur comedian, you know when someone's going into a thing, just sit back, just lean back, you let it, do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I interrupt you while you're writing prescriptions for Viagra, you fucking quack?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's get some shots fired. Are you still friends? He did my podcast. He was great.

[Adam Carolla]

Drew. You can't offend Drew. That's the fun part about Drew.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause he's an AI.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't.

[Pete Holmes]

I've known this about this guy?

[Adam Carolla]

No. I'll go, drew, what the fuck is wrong with you? And he'll go, I wanna get better. Like, everyone else will go, fuck you. But he doesn't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's very good.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Very, very good. He's an internalizer.

[Pete Holmes]

And how much better does Kimmel look? Kimmel looks like Mike Birbiglia on that old shot. Old, Old Kimmel looks like current Birbiglia. I was on Ellen, and I started my key tech battle.

[Adam Carolla]

That's an awesome mic for Biglia. I don't know where you're gonna use it, but it's awesome. That's what I say. On stage.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, I wish Mike was more famous. This would be funnier.

[Adam Carolla]

It would work in comedy clubs. It works in comedy clubs? Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

They like it. Mike's my best friend, but I roast him a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike seems almost too sensitive to be a standout.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why we get a little. He's, like, too nice.

[Pete Holmes]

He's very nice. He's very sweet, but he's very smart. And he wouldn't mind me saying, when we talk, it's as brutal as any other comedian I've ever talked to.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, your journey has been an interesting one because, you know, it's kind of chronicled in the series Crashing, which I enjoyed quite a bit, and I've told you that. And I was.

[Pete Holmes]

It means a lot every time set,

[Adam Carolla]

that it was taken from us.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, but you can still watch it. It's on the HBO maximum.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen every episode. Not you, but I can re. I should rewatch it, honestly. But you were religious, and you kind of had a different life, and then you evolved into something different, and then your material started changing and expanding, like, as you changed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then your audience, like, I was trying to figure. I shot a special at the Aladdin.

[Pete Holmes]

You did?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, many years ago. And Aladdin's a great theater in Portland, and it's a kind of funky place, but it's a cool old theater. And then I was kind of trying to figure out your audience, because, you know, you bring up trans stuff and you bring up religion and stuff like that. And I'm like, is this audience kind of old Pete Holmes, like, slightly more religious or new? Been sort of freed from the church, you know, version.

[Pete Holmes]

You never know. You can't know. That's. Every show's. Every show's a new experience because, you

[Adam Carolla]

know, when you go to see certain comedians, you go all Right. I know what this guy's bringing. I know what his politics are. Yeah. If you need something plugged in or turned up, we can do it. I adjusted the volume, but I don't know that we know. I didn't know that with you, per se.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's interesting. I. You know, the trans. It's not a trans joke in the way that we often think of trans jokes. Like a mean joke. It's a joke kind of explaining how there's. I'm trying to remember it, but it's like, there's no 13th floor in any elevator. So any town I was in, I was like, I've noticed there's no 13th floor in the elevator.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was thinking, is that true?

[Pete Holmes]

It is true.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I've heard it before. But I started thinking to myself, do I ever even notice it?

[Pete Holmes]

There's certain hotels where they do have a 13th floor, and I've talked to people about it, and there are people. Because I used to ask the crowd, like, would you stay on the 13th floor? American Airlines, I believe. No, 13th row on airplanes.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting. They won't get on if they're unlucky.

[Pete Holmes]

So this is, like, a thing. And I can't remember how I phrased the joke. You'll have to watch the special. But it was basically like, we've accommodated people's feelings before. Like, oh, I go, I know. I don't know. I know a lot of trans people, but I don't know anybody that's afraid to stay on the 13th floor of a hotel. And we've been bending over backwards for these psychos for hundreds of years.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's a smart joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Say, the part that I like more is like, I've also noticed that the people that have the hardest time changing pronouns for people are also the people that get mad if you call their truck a car. Right, Right. And I was just like, I'm trying to just make the argument that we make concessions to people's feelings all the time, whether or not we understand. I don't understand four tires, a windshield. That's a car to me. So, like, that was the argument. I do that joke in places where you would imagine people are sensitive to transgender. I do places where you would assume that they are. In Portland, when I started doing it, because it's aggressive, aggressively liberal in Portland, I go, like, don't worry, you're gonna like it. Other places I have to go, relax. It's not like that. Like. Cause you can tell they're gonna be like, here we go, right Something kind of like a hot take. I just wanted to see if I didn't want to see. It didn't go like that. The joke just came to me because of that observation. But then that was one of those ones that was interesting to do. Different places.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is a different place joke with a different reaction joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. I go, if you realize if it goes 12 to 14, you realize the 14th floor is the 13th floor. It just identifies as the 14th floor.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I wrote down I had the same problem. Whenever we'd pass one of those freeway signs in LA that said buzz driving is drunk driving, I'd go, well, that makes sober driving buzz driving. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and the knowledge you need. If I can't figure out something that's going on with my car, they're always the first call I make. They have thousands of parts in stock. They can test your battery for free. Need wiper blades, brake light, I don't know, quick fix for something on the car. They'll get you the right part. Everyone who works there is knowledgeable and best off. They are friendly. Held the door for me last time I was at the one out in Burbank. The professional parts people at O'Reilly are your one stop shop for DIY auto stuff in store or online. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts, right? Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today

[Mike Dawson]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Pete Holmes]

For me, it's about staying connected to my sport. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time, scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never Miss a moment. Wait, what?

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

To go buzz driving?

[Ellen DeGeneres]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Is drunk driving? Yes. I'd go, no, no. You can be buzzed, but not over 0.08.

[Pete Holmes]

I see what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

So if you're gonna. If you are gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

You're saying buzzed is sober.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're. No, I'm saying if you are going to elevate buzz driving to drunk driving, okay, then you got to take sober driving and move it up to bust, because you slide the whole thing over.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very.

[Adam Carolla]

You're on. You are on the 13th floor. It just says 14.

[Mike Dawson]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And you can't make buzz driving. Drunk driving.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no avoiding. If you have 13 floors in your hotel, there is a 13th floor. That's right. You just can't avoid it. And if you're on the 13th floor, buzzed, you're drunk. I think we know. I think we're making sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, you can have three beers and be buzzed and drive, but it's not drunk driving.

[Pete Holmes]

It depends on what you ate and your size, I believe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It felt like you could drink three beers.

[Pete Holmes]

When I was a drive drinker, I used to have a breathalyzer in my car.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a sign.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it accurate?

[Pete Holmes]

That's a sign that maybe you should bump the brakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it is weird.

[Pete Holmes]

I never really use it because if I was drinking, I would never. I'm kind of paranoid in that way because there's that story. Wonder if this will make sense. I tried to do a joke about how. Why are we okay with sexual assault if it's in prison? I've never done this joke because it's just too touchy. But I'm like, you know, you go, don't drop the soap.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't drop the soap.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are we making light of, like, one of the worst things that can happen to you, but if it happens there. And I was like, look, we have a legal system. If you think being sexually assaulted should be part of the sentencing, make it part of the sentencing. And then I go, how many for embezzlement? How many for this? How many for that? Right? And then I. So this was way too preachy of a joke. That's why I didn't do it. I was like, I heard this story, and this is true. This guy had two, three glasses of wine with lunch or dinner? Didn't matter. Actually, it was lunch. Had a couple of glasses of wine with lunch. He's driving past a construction site. Another drunk driver comes in T bones him, sends his car. The first guy, his car goes into the construction site and kills a guy. He's at 0.08. He's, like, at the limit. It's enough. He's thrown in jail for, like, 30 years for manslaughter. And then I go, clap. If you've ever had two or three glasses of wine and driven, everyone claps. I go, how many sexual assaults for us, Right? That's you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

You could be in jail.

[Adam Carolla]

If you did.

[Pete Holmes]

And someone else and you killed, you're in jail. We just act like, who cares about people in prison? It's them, it's you, it's you on a different day.

[Adam Carolla]

So we should be.

[Pete Holmes]

I really. I wish I could do this joke. Cause I feel strongly no one should be getting assaulted. Not even, of course. Just because you did a crime. You're just open season.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Guards leaving the showers. What the fuck is going on?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is America. Like you. I know that America's fucked in so many ways. But, like, we made up cruel and unusual. We have that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's evolved. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And saying you deserve that, that's cruel and unusual. Random assaults.

[Adam Carolla]

And people love it. They're like, oh, good luck in prison.

[Pete Holmes]

Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna get what you deserve.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what they deserve. Random. I feel very strong.

[Adam Carolla]

Random rape. Yeah. You know, they were just gonna joke. Meet your new cellmate, Bubba. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They do it on everything. It was like on Looney Tunes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, here. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna get butt fucked. Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Why is that part of modern society?

[Adam Carolla]

I would also. Yes. And this argument. Yes. Which is gay folk commit a much lower percentage of crime than heterosexual folk. So. That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know the statistic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go out on a limb. Okay, let's go with it.

[Pete Holmes]

I won't.

[Adam Carolla]

Ellen, you and I. I mean, other than the Al Pacino movie Cruising.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that a real one?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I am here to investigate the gay community. There's a lot of guys here.

[Adam Carolla]

Find the Powers Booth bandana. Oh, your mind's gonna be blown. Pete, you don't come from. Let me just say. Okay, let's put it to you this way. You don't see a lot of Asians in prison. They commit crime at a lower rate than other groups. Groups do.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll go with this.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's a statistical fact.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. But I mean, certain groups just. They do better on certain test scores and things like that. They do less in prison. It's a lower they commit homicide at a lower rate. And then other groups, disproportionately high. I would say they never pull out gay or straight. But I would go gay would be off the charts low in terms of violent crime and doing real time.

[Pete Holmes]

How many men in prison are gay? Ask Claude.

[Adam Carolla]

Do gay people. All right, hold on. Don't show the scene yet. But based on available research, there's no evidence that gay people commit less crime than straight people. Right. And there may not be any study about how nice they keep their yard either. But they keep a better yard. They keep a great yard. They keep a great yard.

[Pete Holmes]

You're still prejudicing, but in a nice way. Wonderful yard, great brunch restaurants.

[Adam Carolla]

I've just. You just kind of like, you hang around society long enough and you kind of know trends and things like that.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you could. Look, this is just interesting as a thought experiment, because gay people make up a percentage. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, what is it, one out of six or something? So we can say there's fewer gay people. So they would be fewer than anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's always per. No, it's like. Here's what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Per capita.

[Adam Carolla]

Per capita. No, what I'm saying is, is for every thousand African Americans, there's one, you know, homicide or whatever it is. But. Or the numbers are, you know, here's. But it's never the total number. It's always just percentage wise, you know what I mean? But Asians are 6% and commit 3% of the crime. Like, they just have a lower percentage of participation and whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

And I particip Asian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would say gays. Gay men, yes, but not lesbian women. I think they're higher lesbians than straight. Lust of a lesbian. It will fucking take you down. I'm making your point that anybody. Most guys in prison are straight. And I would say a higher percentage of people in prison than on the outside. Half of them are just Crips and Bloods and Mexican lowriders and gang bangers and stuff like that. I think it's even worse because if you at least are gay, at least that is your form of sex. Even if it's horrible.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand. I thought that might be where you're going. But nobody wants to be assaulted.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I would rather be assaulted by a woman than a man.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, this is your show and I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna swat down your premise.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know anybody who once would rather be assaulted. Well, stop. Hold on. Yeah, A woman would probably rather be assaulted by another woman.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand. I like that you're going against your original premise, but you're a very social scientist.

[Adam Carolla]

A man would. Would probably. I would say that A straight man. Look, I brought this up. You brought it up? I brought this up. A straight man would have. It'd be more of a violation for a straight man to have his Bahaiman broken. Bahaiman in the joint. Behaiman. That's. Did you just make up? No, mine's still intact. No, I. We all are born with a Bahaiman. Look. And mine is still in one piece.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, good.

[Adam Carolla]

But if I went to prison and it was taken away from me, it'd be very upsetting. I'm agreeing with you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. This is my fault. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta show him Cruising. Okay. I cannot believe.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me see.

[Adam Carolla]

You have not seen Al Pacino's cruise. All right? He's a cop. He's a New York cop.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a New York City cop.

[Adam Carolla]

And there is a serial killer.

[Pete Holmes]

This is young Pacino. That sounds sick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's 1979. Hey, it's me, Al Pacino.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a different voice.

[Adam Carolla]

Hermit, Pacino, Attica.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a totally different voice.

[Adam Carolla]

So Al pacino, yes, in 1979, makes a movie called Cruising, all about the New York gay nightclub underground. Rough trade scene. Rough trade, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The alternative for this, for Cruising, was the beginning of aids.

[Pete Holmes]

But is that what it's about?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's pre aids. It's pre aids, but guys are doing whatever they want. Things are getting out of control. But he goes in. In to talk to Powers Booth about bandanas.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Remember, he's an undercover cop.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, Another little POV cam.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, now, now. What is this?

[Pete Holmes]

How does this work? Excuse me. Could I ask about these?

[Adam Carolla]

What about them? What are they, Four. What you are. What are they for?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, like blue, Hank, in your left

[Adam Carolla]

back pocket means you want a blow job. Right pocket means you give one. The green one, left side says you're a hustler. Right side, you're a buyer.

[Pete Holmes]

Yellow one, left side means you give gold in the shower. Right side, you receive. Okay. Red one, I don't need to know.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go home and think about it. I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna go home and think about it. Now, Adam, I haven't been on the show before, but I've always been a fan of you and Dr. Drew. That fucking quack.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Screw up it fucking Limp dick. AI motherfucker.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, it's test time. Okay, green hanky. What does that say?

[Pete Holmes]

Green hanky means you want someone to put their balls up your nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. It's real. Yeah, One for one.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called a Stinky Sanchez Yellow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yellow bandana. Yellow.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wait, this is. From what I just saw, yellow is golden Shower.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the right.

[Pete Holmes]

You give it on the left, you

[Adam Carolla]

take it, I think so the green was, I don't know, hustler, buyer. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which means what? Prostitution. Like you're selling sex or you're buying sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh. I mean, first off, this whole gay semi 4 thing makes sense, you know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Because semi what?

[Adam Carolla]

Semi four.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm semi hard.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the flags out front on an aircraft carrier when they're trying to. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We haven't found a way to replace that. It's just a guy with a cone.

[Adam Carolla]

That's just a guy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's 20, 26. The plane can fly itself, but we got a guy with a cone guiding it into the spot.

[Adam Carolla]

I just love that there's just a guy still out there. Still out there. Just doing that. I.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I don't want to condescend, but I feel bad for that hot LA day. I'm like, he's out on the tarmac cooking. I mean. Yeah, get him out of there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's on an aircraft carrier.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, well, no, they have him at lax, too. The guys with the orange cones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they're not with the flags. The cones.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, the real stuff. Yeah, I know the pedestrian stuff. Top Gun, civilian only. My riffs, civilian only, so I don't have clearance for that joke.

[Adam Carolla]

So, brown bandana.

[Pete Holmes]

Brown bandana. Are there brown bandanas? I think red bandana. Look, that's a joke for you to make.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to watch Cruising because it is two hours of gay Al Pacino

[Pete Holmes]

and he has to present as gay to get deep into the underworld.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

I like golden showers.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a wonderful thing when a man's dehydrated and you're dirty. You want to get clean, but also filthy. Listen, I'll think about it at home. Doggy Style Day afternoon. Am I right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Pete Holmes, let me ask you a question.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that my Pacino. I think my Pacino comes up every time I do the show because I got the headphones.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's what I like to hear. You can hear you. It's good to be here. Elocution. Yeah. Do you guys at your home, do you have a maid that shows up every two weeks or whatever that is?

[Pete Holmes]

We have housekeepers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they show up every couple weeks.

[Pete Holmes]

Once a week.

[Adam Carolla]

Once a week.

[Pete Holmes]

Once a week.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, it's pretty crazy how expensive they are, right?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm embarrassed to say. This is my. I don't know what a gallon of milk costs. I don't know what the housekeeper says.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a better life.

[Pete Holmes]

My strategy. Maybe this is awful. Maybe this is how, you know, I'm, like, destined for a horrible, destitute future. I don't like to know when I sign out of a hotel, especially on a vacation, and they're like, do you want to see the itemized bill? I'm like, eat fucking shit. I just relax.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You think I want to sign away some horrible. Oh, your waters are $12.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to enjoy my vacation.

[Mike Dawson]

I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna pay it either way.

[Adam Carolla]

Ignorance is bliss.

[Pete Holmes]

Ignorance is bliss, Ike.

[Adam Carolla]

100. 100% agree.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the way I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm glad I do, too.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna pay it, so you can worry about it or not worry about it. You're still gonna pay it. But I don't know what they cost.

[Adam Carolla]

Does the maid do stuff you don't want them to do? Like, I'll give you an example. All right, so here's my thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I think about you every time. There's dog turds that people drop in my garbage can. Cause that's what we didn't like last time.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause they get all cooked.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing. Maids should do the stuff you don't want to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I think maid is to assistant as secretary as to housekeeper.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But keep calling the maids.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah. Okay. So I had a stewardess. Colored lady.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

These are the terms.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He had his secretary call my stewardess.

[Mike Dawson]

Geez.

[Adam Carolla]

My stewardess was mulatto on my last flight, so. Or Eskimo. I can't remember. All right, well, we'll call them. You pulled, like, five. Listen, first off, the. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The sanitizing of the terms. You know what I mean? Like, you know when you're a garbage man and someone goes, you know, technician or something?

[Pete Holmes]

Sandwich artist.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. Yeah. Okay. Just hurry up over at the Quiznos, would you, please? Well, that was always funny. I went to, like, a Jimmy John's, and they had a help wanted thing in the front, and it said rock stars wanted. And I was like, you're making sandwiches for girls Volleyball themes on a Saturday. You're not. You're not slash.

[Pete Holmes]

Take it easy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So but anyway, anytime you wear gloves that aren't even surgical gloves, they're just baggies with finger holes in them.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You are not a rock star. That's fair. If you're putting on baggy gloves.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. If you're giving me a little cup for a peppercino.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So here's my thing. I want the maid to vacuum and like clean the toilet, clean the sink and just basically do the stuff I don't want to do. Putting the remote away for the TV set that's on the coffee table where I can't find it. It's not part of your job and I don't need it. I don't need you taking it and putting it in the drawer that's next to the tv.

[Pete Holmes]

Do they make your bed?

[Adam Carolla]

I guess, but I can't. I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Hard to know.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody made my bed. Somebody made my bed. So now here's the one that drives me the most insane.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Because once again, however you left your shit, that's kind of how you keep your shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

If your coffee table has a TV remote on it and like, I don't know, a DVD remote next to it, that means you sit there and you watch DVDs or whatever that thing is. Let's not take those and ferry them away to some far away drawer and slide it in under a magazine where you can't find it. And if your fucking slippers are by

[Pete Holmes]

your bed, that's where they live.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where they live. Because you get out of bed and

[Pete Holmes]

you get in here.

[Adam Carolla]

But let's not take them and put them in the wicker basket in the next room with the lid on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wicker please.

[Adam Carolla]

Wicker please. They're by your bed. That's where it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, I understand.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I had.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but let me give you

[Pete Holmes]

a. Oh, please, please.

[Adam Carolla]

The one that drives me the most nuts. And this one, because it's nonsensical. There is a guest bedroom in my home that I will nap in occasionally. If the house is going and people are up and making noise and stuff. I will go into the guest bedroom.

[Pete Holmes]

Lovely.

[Adam Carolla]

I love taking a nap, but a nap is a slippery slope. Cause it could be one of those things sometimes where you just pass out and you wake up at 2:30 in the morning and now you're all fucked up. Cause you're like, you're up. What do I do?

[Pete Holmes]

You're on Thailand time now.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. So I'm like, that's what I do. I call people Manila. Hello. Hello. What are you guys doing? Yeah, nobody here's awake. So I keep a clock, and the clock I keep turned toward the bed so that I can take a nap and I can wake up and go, all right, it's been 25 minutes. Half peek, single eye peak. And I go, all right, it's been half an hour. I'm getting up now. Right. For some reason, the maid thinks the clock needs to turn and face the room. Yeah. In which case you lay in bed, you'd see the side of the clock. Because the room needs another time. That's right. Now the room's in form. Right, Jer? So I then always get up and turn it 90 degrees. And that's where it is when she shows up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she thinks part of her job is to turn the clock the direction where nobody sleeps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we just accept the fact that you have to undo your own work every fucking time you show up? That. That is the way I prefer. And what do you think I'm gonna do? Show up one day and go, I came home, I saw the clock. I saw my TV remote on top of the desk. You're gone. Yeah. You're fired. This is an outrage. Who's gonna face my clock? Door. Nowhere.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't even use that wicker basket.

[Adam Carolla]

It's display purposes. I put a post it on top of the clock saying, don't move. Do not touch. It still got turned. It did. Yes, it did.

[Pete Holmes]

And the post, it was adjusted.

[Adam Carolla]

People, let me just say this. Everyone does. No one undoes. Everyone does.

[Pete Holmes]

No one undoes.

[Adam Carolla]

People go, you know, my daughter, my girlfriend or someone will go, I'm gonna take a nap in that room. And then they lie down, they go, I don't like the light of the clock. So they turn. They'll unplug the clock or put it down on his face. God forbid anyone ever put it back. They never put anything back.

[Pete Holmes]

Only on this show would I say this, please. I have a hot tub. I keep it at 106 because I like hot tubs.

[Adam Carolla]

I like them hot.

[Pete Holmes]

I want it fucking hot, right? And it takes a while for it to heat up. This is a real privileged complaint. Whenever people stay at our house, they use the hot tub. They lower it to, like, 100.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Now, the reason I have a hot tub, this gets even fancier. I have a cold plunge. So I get my cold plunge. I get out now it's actually dangerous. I need to heat up. I get in the fucking thing. 100 feels like nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not gonna resuscitate me. And I'm like, God damn it. Like, I wanted. My inner Corolla wants to put a bronze plaque that says, I'm so glad. Really enjoy the hot tub. Just fucking act like you've been there

[Adam Carolla]

and put it back. Is there. All right, Pete Holmes. You're six, three and a half, Six,

[Pete Holmes]

four, six, five and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Six, five and a half.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm as tall as a door.

[Adam Carolla]

Nah, six eight's a door, Ado.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I know who I'm talking to, so I'm not gonna the other fucking

[Adam Carolla]

propaganda be like, I guess you're right, chief. Not this fucking carpenter. Door is six foot eight.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think if I step straight in that door, I won't touch the top?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what shoes are you wearing? You got some shoes?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know, I got my rock stars I work at.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll put you at six, six.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you will be two inches away from the top of that door.

[Pete Holmes]

Just because it's interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My whole life I've said I'm as tall as a door.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Six, eight.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you're absolutely right. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because I used to hang doors, so. And by the way, they're standard things. By the way, if somebody says they're a carpenter and they don't know a door. 6, 8, which is also 8, 0. It's 80 inches. Show them the door. Show them the door.

[Pete Holmes]

They shouldn't be hanging.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we'd go, it's standard. 8, 0, 6, 8, 8, 0. 80.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that you know stuff. Nobody knows stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody knows stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody knows stuff. Weird, gay facts.

[Adam Carolla]

So you are a very tall, rangy man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I am six foot two. Is there anyone, according to your Wiki, is there anybody that has ever borrowed your car or used your car, including valets, that has ever put the seat back after moving it all the way forward? I've had valets climb out. Was Danny DeVito using the sun visor as a headrest at this point? And I can't get DeVito. I can't get in. And also. Oh, you're at the Burbank Airport. The miniature Mexican guy, the lawn jockey's driving the car toward you. And they see you standing there, and also they moved your seat all the way up. Put it the fuck back.

[Pete Holmes]

We're not DeVito, we're Schwarzenegger.

[Adam Carolla]

But guess what? They're done. They're done with your car?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, they're done.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, the little tab on the windshield wiper that turns a blue streak on your thing the next time your wipers comes on from, that stays there, that doesn't get removed. They're done.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody does. Nobody undoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody undoes.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta undo.

[Adam Carolla]

You need the tab and I need the seat pulled up. But now I'm done with both things. And even though I'd like a tip from you. Yeah, I'm not gonna undo, yeah, anything. These are the people that you work with that leave the stupid cookie thing wide open and getting all stales up. Because they're done. They do, but they don't undo.

[Pete Holmes]

They're done with their experience.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like the light from the clock. I'm going to unplug the clock or I'm gonna face it down on space.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you yes. When I say in a hotel, just cause I think you're gonna like this, I unplug the tv. Remember that Bill Burrs movie, what was it? Bad Dads was it called?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, something like that. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He taught they like talk about how some TVs can film you. So now I'm just paranoid enough. I'm like, I don't need footage of me aggressively jerking off in the Internet. So I just unplug the tv. Guess who always plays plugs the TV back in?

[Adam Carolla]

This guy.

[Pete Holmes]

You're goddamn right. I also turn the clock on its face because the clocks in hotels are way too bright. Guess who puts it back. I make my bed before I leave the hotel. It's not because I know they're just gonna strip it, but I want them to know I'm not a fucking Hannibal Lecter piece of shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

They're doing 30 rooms.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know what else?

[Pete Holmes]

This needs to be out there. Leave 20 bucks if you're staying in a hotel, especially more than one night, leave these hard working people 20 bucks. What the fuck do you gotta do?

[Adam Carolla]

Also the barista over the Starbucks got five bucks for putting some shit on a bagel.

[Pete Holmes]

This person's vacuuming your pubes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, let a 20 go.

[Pete Holmes]

If you can stay in a hotel, you have 20 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. Leave them a tip.

[Pete Holmes]

People didn't know. I didn't know for a long time.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know for a long time either.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody told me. So now I'm sharing it with the widest audience I can.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I silly, silly. For I straighten up the room as

[Pete Holmes]

well I do, too. I leave it just how I found it. And I write. This is brag. Thank you. I write housekeeping. Thank you. So they know it's for them.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

So that it's not like a. Did you leave this? I'm in trouble. It's for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Thank you. Yes, you do and undo. Everyone just does.

[Pete Holmes]

Do and undo.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, it's like the woods. Think about when you're valet parker.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Only thing you do is put the tab on the windshield and then get in the car, take it off. There's not much to undo.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just take that tab. I've done that. It starts raining, and now you got a blue. You ever have it stick on?

[Adam Carolla]

You know how many Americans die every year?

[Pete Holmes]

33. And only two of them are gay.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. In prison being brutally raped. Oh, boy. No. How many people you think die when they go in? They do the valet at the airport or wherever it is, and the tab stuck in there. But they can't see it because the windshield wipers are down under the cowl in the front. Right? And then three days later, they're driving around, it starts raining, and the automatic windshield wipers are going. And they see this weird pink piece of cardboard. And so you know what they do? They lean. They unroll the window and they lean forward and they try to snatch. By the way, dead being rangy will get you killed. Dead being rangy will kill you lengthwise. Because there's a lot of, like, I can just stand on this chair and get that gut that leaf out of that gutter.

[Pete Holmes]

Devito and no, there's no chance.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the ladder. Get the A frame.

[Pete Holmes]

No check.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. How many people die on the road trying rangy fellas trying to snatch. Trying to time the windshield wiper with the tab to lean. Boom, wheel right into the drainage ditch. That's how he died. That's what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

But he was reaching for a program and a tab.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I hate when they do this. Mary Todd. You know, Abraham Lincoln had a historically. A famously historically reported, high, annoying voice. Isn't that interesting?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Every time you see him in, like, the hall of Presidency, he's like, hi, Abraham.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

People would write in the newspaper, like, I can't listen to this guy talking anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Like, four score and seven years.

[Pete Holmes]

Sounds like Gilbert Godfrey, basically.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a funny part in your standup special when you're talking about everyone with the English accent.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And outer space and, you know, all that kind of Stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, in Lord of the Rings, that's how you let them know there are dragons afoot. That they're like. I'm like, that's a regular ass accent. But it wouldn't work with Boston.

[Adam Carolla]

It would not work with Boston. They'd be like, there's a fucking wizard over there.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fucking retarded. I can't do that. I'm not saying it.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy.

[Pete Holmes]

I see, they love that joke in Boston.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they love.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no truer thing that I tell Boston every time I perform there. I'm like, you know the rest of the country has retired the R word, right? And they fucking love it. They never stop. And that's the. That's on that special too, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Retired. They are with the word retired. Starts with an R.

[Pete Holmes]

I go, how happy was Boston when queer became the appropriate.

[Adam Carolla]

They were thrilled.

[Pete Holmes]

They didn't even know anything happened.

[Adam Carolla]

They were grandfathered in. It's so weird, Boston. Someone's gonna have to check the water supply there. Because I grew up with dumb guys here, and dumb guys here are just dumb. And when they get into it with you, they just go, hey, fucking douche fucker. Hey, man, douche. Fuck you, bro. You fucking douche. And these guys, they go all goodwill hunting like you're guys are mean and smart and racist.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And the blue collar, blue collar guys where I'm from can't talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you guys can talk. You're gonna keep antagonizing me. Is that what the fuck is happening right now?

[Pete Holmes]

Jesus Christ will take it easy. But California is definitely. I don't know if California knows how California. How California we are. You know what I mean? They need to get somewhere else. Nowhere else are people like, hey, man, everything's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

You know?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that is not a way to talk anywhere but here.

[Adam Carolla]

I like a good gender swap. In the heat of an insult, I heard a woman get really pissed off many years ago. Cause someone took over their softball field. It was at the park. And she thought they had the softball field. And they were yelling through the fence. And then she's like, shut up, you fat bitch. Sit down. And she was like, suck my dick. I like that too. I love that. I love that too. I love it when someone.

[Pete Holmes]

I love a lady say something.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little cultural appropriation. We'll allow it. We'll allow it. You can have it. That's a hit.

[Pete Holmes]

I completely agree.

[Adam Carolla]

But you couldn't yell suck my labia or eat my tits or something that Would be weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Eat my crotch.

[Adam Carolla]

A woman yelling suck my dick is good.

[Pete Holmes]

Also. Don't you feel like between the years of 1950 and 9 and 2009, only men were asked to.

[Mike Dawson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, if you said this, you knew it was a woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, a man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And now everybody, when a woman calls another woman an. I get tickled by that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I like that too. But you know what's weird? We're exclusively douchebags. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Men are douchebags, but women use douchebags.

[Adam Carolla]

The bags of douchebags of douche film. Why are we the douchebags?

[Pete Holmes]

Seinfeld lesbian les doing. You gotta get in there with the two spine.

[Adam Carolla]

I tried to get this off the ground, and I think you're. You could help me. I started calling people douche nozzles because the douchebag was far away. The real business was the nozzle.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a douche nozzle.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that sounds good. Like, cabbie on the road. Hey, douche nozzles. Moving along. It's also good for, like, construction for me. All right, douche nozzles, Tea time's over. Let's get back to it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just. I think the reason. It's a little cute. Nozzle is a cute word.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The word for nozzle was bad. Douchebag would be a great.

[Adam Carolla]

How long before women are calling each other douchebags? I mean, they took asshole.

[Pete Holmes]

I think they can have it.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but they gotta start doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

They'll do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think so?

[Pete Holmes]

This fucking douchebag.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll do that fucking douchebag. They'll do with douchebag what they did with asshole.

[Pete Holmes]

And in Boston, they. They love the R word. And they love cocksucker.

[Adam Carolla]

You fucking cocksucker.

[Pete Holmes]

Which that joke writes itself. People like the people who suck cock.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of weird when progressive people try to insult people by calling them cocksuckers because it's like, what's the implication of your gay neighbors?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, what's the implication?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's true. Well, we don't like things that get. We don't like things that receive. You know what I mean? I'll give you an example. Like, that's why we say, fuck you. Go fuck yourself. You get fucked. I do fucking. You get. That's why there's a different feeling towards lesbians and gay men. Right. I'll give you an example. Real life example. This is so Adam Carolla show. So I'm on the freeway, 100% real. I used my Windshield wiper stuff. Cause there was gunk on.

[Adam Carolla]

Grab that tab.

[Pete Holmes]

Gotta get that Tab outta there. I'm using a Q tip. Ellen's there, and the mist carries over me and sprays the car behind me a little bit. I'm just like, in my mind, honestly, I'm like, you're welcome. I'm cleaning yours a little bit as well. This guy crosses me on the right, goes like 100 miles an hour, crosses around me.

[Adam Carolla]

Your windshield wiper squirted just with mist. No, I know we do.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I can side with both people. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to cover you, but I will say it is annoying. We live in a society where when you go to the airport to try to use the sink, you only get a second and a half worth of water.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

But your windshield wiper, mister, will shoot for 80ft.

[Pete Holmes]

That's correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is it? Can we get, can we get a

[Pete Holmes]

relationship, People looking for bin Laden, that kind of thing? Can we get, get the people that make the faucet.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. No, no, no. But he passes me. He goes in front of me in an aggressive way, like to make a point, and then he washes his windshield. Spray me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And the implication is, you don't put your fluid on me. I put my fluid on you. That's how aggressively we are when it's like, you suck, you get fucked, you get sprayed. I spray. We like things that take over things. We like things that, that, you know, claim things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't like things that get claimed, which is fucking crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And we, we have these statements like, you know what? Don't bullshit. A bullshit.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I bullshit. I bullshit. That's my spray. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's not a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't lie to a liar.

[Pete Holmes]

I lie to you because that's the power position. We love winning. We hate even.

[Adam Carolla]

Even. We're all tops where none of us are bottoms.

[Pete Holmes]

America. We. We fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what we want to say.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Beer commercial. We do the fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

We're all lid, no jar, all pickle, no spear.

[Pete Holmes]

That doesn't even make any sense.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't even make any sense.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let me give a plug where plugs are due. Pete, you gotta come back, like, every 20 minutes. I would love it.

[Pete Holmes]

I, I, You've always been so supportive, Adam. Thank you for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

Stand up. Special is excellent. And in a world of this guy does this comedy, that guy does that kind of comedy. This is kind of every kind of comedy in one place. Silly, silly Fun Boy on YouTube. Watch it for free. Free. Almost an hour. We'll take a quick break. We'll do the news right after this. True work. Winter job sites don't mess around. And you need workwear that performs when it's brutal out there. It was founded, by the way, by a real trade professional, not some BS designer. So he knows what you need. It's designed with moisture wicking, wind resistant and insulated fabrics. Every piece is tested on real job sites with trade pros before it ever goes to market. So when winter hits hard, you're still ready to work, not fighting with your gear. I really love working outside. You know, it's my thing. Even, by the way, on the construction side, even when you're inside, it's kind of outside because it's wide open. But I love the right gear and I got a feeling you're going to love this gear as well. Am I right, Dawson?

[Mike Dawson]

Don't let cheap gear slow you down this winter. Upgrade your day with work wear built like it matters. Get 15% off your first [e-mail] with code ACS. That's T R U E W E R K dot com.

[Adam Carolla]

If your business is still running like a game of telephone gone wrong, it's time to fix that. Don't settle for a bunch of people asking, who's handling this? That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo. That is Q U O. The smarter way to run your business. Communications. Quo works wherever you are and lets you keep your existing number. Quo isn't just a phone system. It's a smart system. Quo's AI automatically logs calls and generates summaries. It's helped my business, and I'm sure it'll help yours as well. It's Quo, right, Dawson?

[Mike Dawson]

Make this the time where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try Quo for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com. that's Q-U-O.com Adam. Quo. No missed calls, no missed customers. It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Adam. Bill in Lake Worth, Florida. I'm a little late on the draw, but it was 5 benatar. I need a lover who won't drive me crazy. You sure? One of you guys should have known it that day.

[Mike Dawson]

Come on, sign up. You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't John Cougar, Johnny Cougar.

[Mike Dawson]

Back when he was Johnny Cougar, he did it first.

[Adam Carolla]

And then Pat. Ben.

[Mike Dawson]

And then Pat Benatar. And Pat Benatar just had a. A measure 8. Measure 8, whatever beats before she got into the beginning of the song. Whereas Mellencamp went like, 32.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah, but what's he talking about? What'd we forget?

[Mike Dawson]

I don't know. I believe I was working on a cruise when that show happened. Oh, but Pat Benatar did do it. It was a big hit for her, and she got right into the song. I did have to back sell that song on the radio last week, and I just mentioned that it was, for the longest time, the bane of a disc jockey's existence. When is he gonna sing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we don't know when he's gonna come in on that song. Yeah. I was watching the Wrecking Crew, Doc, for the second time last night, and I love it. I don't know why. I love all the A and M records and the Wrecking Crew and the session guys, but I also always think, you know, like, the guys and the monkeys, some of the monkeys were like, we're gonna come in and play on our record. And they're like, no, you're not. And then it's so. So I'm very weirdly sensitive about that stuff. I don't mean, like, I'm better than you, but I just mean sometimes I'll do a radio show or something and someone will go, this guy was an All City football player. And I go, all Valley. Which is not as good as All City. They go, okay, who cares? And I go, I know, but I don't know. I feel weird. It's Stolen Valley. I wasn't All City. I was all Central Valley, first team. Nice. But I wasn't All City. But a lot of people just know All City, so they just go, he's an All City football player and I'm not. And 46 years later, I have to correct them, Right? So it's not cause I'm good. It's just because it feels weird to take credit for whatever. And when I tell someone's joke, I go, this guy thought of this joke?

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And now it's called integrity. Now you're the guitar player for Gary Lewis and the Playboys. And the guy. The session guy to Jesse or whatever his name was, is such a phenomenal guitar player that in the middle of this Gary Lewis song, he's playing this, like, crazy flamenco guitar riff, right? And you can't do it at all.

[Mike Dawson]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And two things. One is you walk around and people compliment you. They go, hey, that riff you did in Everyone Loves a Clown, that's an awesome, awesome riff. And you gotta go, thank you. Or you gotta go, that's not me. And when you go to concert, when you play at concert, you can't play it right. And everyone loves that part of that song.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, the rule, the longest standing rule in recording music was never record, never do anything in the studio that you cannot duplicate on stage. And some of these session guys either made the original players in the band have to up their game and be able to learn this brilliant part, or they just kind of change the song and play it live a different way.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike Dawson]

Happens.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there was. It wasn't Everyone Loves a Clown, it was Gary Lewis and the Playboy. Sure gonna miss her. I also always. That's funny. I call my son because he loves talking music. And I said, it's not like Green Day plays the music and then goes out on tour and it's the same guys playing. They didn't do it. Sonny and Cher, you know, those are all session guys. Monkees. And it wasn't even the made up bands like the Monkees. It was legitimate bands of the Mamas and the Papas and people like everyone else played all their shit. And at some point you gotta go out on stage. And that's a weird position to be in, to not be able to play the really cool guitar solo in the song that you're playing on stage where everyone thinks you played it on the record.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, also, back then though, it was probably a little bit easier because there wasn't all the social medias and the Twitters and no one was really aware that you didn't play this so you could fake it all the way through play.

[Adam Carolla]

See? Gary Lewis and the Playboy. Sure gonna miss her. Is that one of their hits? Diamond Ring was a big one. Count me in. They're the corniest band in the world. By the way, that's Jerry Lewis son. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, that's Jerry Lewis.

[Mike Dawson]

Jerry named his son Gary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

God.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. Sure gonna miss her. Count me in. Sure gonna miss her. There it is. Yeah, I think that's the song. But. Okay, so here's the whole point. Okay. Jerry Lewis was a kind of notorious prick. Right?

[Mike Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And Gary, Jerry Lewis was a notorious prick who grew up, came into the business with the likes of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin And Sammy Davis Jr. Probably has stories about Elvis and Nelson Riddle and all this kind of shit. And then his son starts a band and the band's got this diamond ring. Doesn't every one of their hits sounds like a kid's song? It's the popcorniest, tinniest, shittiest pop music with like seven number one hits. And meanwhile, Sammy Davis Jr. Dean Martin didn't have as many number one hits as his son with his super shitty band. Right, right. Songs that were made for nine year olds. And, you know, he's talking to Jerry going, we just hit number one again. And Jerry takes a draw off his cocktail and goes, son. The music. Shit. It's shit. Like, he had to just. There's no way he could pretend to enjoy the shittiest songs ever created.

[Mike Dawson]

Maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, place, you're gonna miss her.

[Pete Holmes]

This is.

[Mike Dawson]

There we go.

[Adam Carolla]

Every song's the. See,

[Mike Dawson]

See. I imagine that Jerry Lewis did want his son.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. So these are all Wrecking Crew guys. Oh, sorry. The guitar thing didn't give. Go ahead.

[Mike Dawson]

I imagine that Jerry Lewis wanted his son to be a success, and hits back then were based on radio play. And Jerry Lewis had to have a lot of heat behind him and probably could be the reason why his son had so many number ones.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe. Yeah. All right, so here comes the part the guy in the band can't play. Okay. Oh, wait, it's coming. The guitar.

[Mike Dawson]

Let's do it on a Spanish guitar, too. That's a nightmare on stage to reproduce.

[Adam Carolla]

Or else it didn't matter at the time.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah, those guys, the guys in the Wrecking Crew were probably the. They probably had a little chip on their shoulder or maybe like, they knew they were better than everybody else. So every time they went to the

[Adam Carolla]

studio, they didn't get credit for any.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah, yeah. So they had.

[Adam Carolla]

They had that.

[Mike Dawson]

That unknown chip on their shoulder and they have to outperform. And then that guy with the chimes, he's like, yeah, let's just throw these in here.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here he goes. He goes, now this poor guy's on stage.

[Mike Dawson]

Right? Yeah. Good luck.

[Adam Carolla]

I will.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah. I will agree with you that there. If there is a live recording of this song, that flamenco guitar does not exist in it.

[Adam Carolla]

So what a weird deal with the devil. Like, you have these number one hits, but you can't really. You didn't play on them, and you. You can't really reproduce it on stage, which, like, imagine being a standup and having a hit standup album, but you couldn't pull the jokes off on stage. That was such a weird position to be put in. All right, what do you got in the news, Dawson.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, let's go the southern hemisphere first, because this is amazing. A Brazilian state legislator has sparked outrage this week or last week after black facing by smearing dark foundation across her face and arms during a speech in the Sao Paulo assembly. Fabiana Boy Scaro Bolsonaro.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of hot.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah, she. She started decided to protest after a person named Erica Hilton, who's actually Eric, made history as the first openly transgender woman elected to Brazil's National Congress. She was he. She was appointed the chairperson of the Commission for the Defense of Women's Rights. Aha.

[Adam Carolla]

The dude was who's posing as a chick.

[Mike Dawson]

So Bolsonaro went to the lectern and made a whole bunch of sense as a white person. Having living through every experience as a white person. Now, at 32, I've decided to put on makeup to dress up as a black person to cover myself up and let only the outside show. And here I ask, so what now? Have I become black?

[Adam Carolla]

I love that. By the way, other countries are going nuts too. It's not just us. Yeah, like we're. The amount of trans talk we have to have is fucking insane in this country.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, this woman's got bigger balls than the dude who's in charge of women's rights. Now she asks you the one watching me as I paint myself black. I feel firsthand the pain that a black person has felt because of racism, because of not being able to get a job. I actually have an aunt who before the 1990s, went looking for a job, and she is black. She said that during the job interview. She did great. But then the people conducting the interview said the following. You're great. I'd really like to hire you, but you're black. We don't hire black people.

[Adam Carolla]

I learned that from watching Good Times.

[Mike Dawson]

So she says, am I black now?

[Adam Carolla]

I love her. All right, we got it. No, she's right. You're not black just because you've colored yourself. Black woman because you put a dress on.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, she goes on to say, come on, I identify as black. Why can't I then be the chair of the Commission on Racism?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike Dawson]

The speech through immediate condemnation within the chamber.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of condemnation. By the way. The only way to get this stuff to go away is to mock the other side. The reason with and the sort of negotiate with. So there's two groups you can't negotiate with. Terrorists and progressives. Getting terrorists to like you just means you're an easier target and an easier kill. And progressives are the same way, because progressives and terrorists don't really state their true goals. If their true goal was to just get along, but there's a misunderstanding, then you could get along with terrorists and progressives, but they both want you destroyed because you think differently than they think. And that's the part they don't really tell you, right? So you apologizing and going, no, no, no, you misunderstood what I was doing, or, I have a lot of black friends, or whatever you're gonna say to him, it never works, so you just have to go fuck off. And I remember exactly where I was sitting with Tucker Carlson, like, eight years ago, where I just. He goes, how does all this end? I go, everyone has to start making fun of the other side and mocking them and not enjoying.

[Mike Dawson]

And by the way, and bringing back shame. They might start to feel it.

[Adam Carolla]

Dr. Drew would say to me all during COVID why do you have to punctuate every one of your tweets with calling people a pussy and a sheep and call them all soft, weak, cowardly pussy, sheep? And every time someone would go, I lost my nana. I'd go, get under the bed, pussy. And Drew was always like, why do

[Pete Holmes]

you have to do that?

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, cause it's the only thing that makes him fucking stop is the shaming part and the mocking.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, they also see that you're not a soft target that you're going to.

[Adam Carolla]

No one's as people haven't asked me to apologize in nine years, and I say horrible things every day. But I'll tell you how you get him to do it. Mark Ergus, favorite tweet of all time. When I was telling what I was saying to the school board, look, you guys are either cowards or pussies or you're corrupt. Open the schools. And I just called the school board cowards and pussies and sheep and told them to open the schools. And then they wrote back, Corolla sitting in a $7 million mansion with his white privileges, like Carolla sitting in a $7 million mansion, telling us to go back to work or endanger our kids. And I just wrote back 7.3, which is all I wrote, which is how much the house cost. And I don't know. Mark Garrigos was in love with that. I don't know why I love that you can't go. I have kids, too, and I'm a father, and I worry. Fuck off, seven three, bitch. Now go back to your job.

[Mike Dawson]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only thing that will get him to fucking do it. And that's the phase we're in now. The phase we're now is mocking all these idiots.

[Mike Dawson]

Right. And you notice that battle they had with you didn't last very long. They eventually gave up.

[Adam Carolla]

They gave up immediately because the two times they tried to shame me, I mocked them.

[Mike Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So they leave you alone because there's nothing. You're a cow with no milk. They're little stray cats wandering around looking for a saucer of milk, and there's no milk on your porch. They keep walking.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, a member of the Brazilian Socialist Party has lodged a police report alleging racial discrimination.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

Which.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

Proven points.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ad Read / Commercial Announcer]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Beautiful.

[Mike Dawson]

A major Hollywood media outlet is getting some backlash online from top Republicans and conservatives, and I'd say most of the American public, after publishing a column on Friday arguing that Chuck Norris's film legacy is overshadowed by politics.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Mike Dawson]

The Variety opinion piece, the headline is,

[Adam Carolla]

God, Chuck Norris was a great action star, but politically maybe overshadowed his. But politics. Sorry, but politics may overshadow his legacy.

[Mike Dawson]

Is that necessary?

[Adam Carolla]

No, none of it's necessary. But it is a window into how they think. And they don't really know they think that way. They think of themselves as sort of unbiased reporters, but they give themselves away all the time. It's sort of like women will make a face in the background when someone is saying something and they'll go like, they can't stop their face from moving in a weird way.

[Mike Dawson]

Or they can't stop cheering when they find out that Charlie Kirk was assassinated by tmz.

[Adam Carolla]

And so. Right on tmz. That was beautiful. So touching. But yes, and so what? They can't stop it. Women have more trouble stopping it. Men sometimes have a little more composure. But what I'm saying is, is they are correct in their own head in that if you walked around, right? And you just go, I agree 100% with Mark Ruffalo. Right. And I disagree 100% with Chuck Norris. And then Mark Ruffalo dies and you write an article. It's like, great, celebrated actor Mark Ruffalo debt. Now, you don't go, controversial policy. Those are your politics. It's not controversial. You know what I mean?

[Mike Dawson]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

If some guy. If there was some action star who loved vintage racing, old Datsuns, I'd go, great actor died. I wouldn't go with controversial Datsun racer. No, I like it. That's who I agree with. I agree with the guy. So it's not controversial to them, in their mind, Chuck Norris is controversial because it's controversial to Them, Them. And it's the same as when the. It's the same with. When the news anchors and. Or the people who pen these opinions, they'll go. They'll go. And Donald Trump incorrectly claims the election was stolen. No, no. Donald Trump claims the election was stolen. You added incorrectly. Right, because that's what you think.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, here's what Variety says deep in the article. An all American loner has to gun down outsiders who threaten his way of life or go to another country to make sure justice is done. This is what they're saying about Chuck Norris movies. His roles were part of a body of work used to show American strength, might and pernicious, pernicious attraction of taking the law into one's own hands. Something that seems less fun in a year in which our country is funneling money into bombing Iran and ICE agents are acting like one man militias.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Mike Dawson]

Where's this one man militia ICE story?

[Adam Carolla]

Where is that? When did that happen? These guys pull up in primered vans, dressed in sweatpants, wearing masks over their head and they're grabbing Americans and they're disappearing them in sweatshops in Honduras. Is that what you want? Yeah. These guys come pulling up. No law, no training, no uniform. I don't even know. I may just join ICE just on my own. I might just go and start knocking on doors, grabbing Mexicans, throwing them out in the porch.

[Mike Dawson]

Neighbors I don't like. I was just going to go shoot them.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no badge, there's no identification except for the huge vest they're wearing that says ice on it.

[Mike Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But other than that, there's only 17 other forms of identification that are on them. They come walking in, by the way. There's no training, there's no regulation. This is a completely rogue. It's a rogue organization. It's an organization of rogue people. I don't even know how they figure out where to meet. They're so rogue. Everyone is all. Everyone's a lone wolf. So how do they even figure out where they're going? That claim clan.

[Mike Dawson]

The clan tells them where to go

[Adam Carolla]

and tells them where to go and they just show up and they just start arresting folk.

[Mike Dawson]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

That are just going about their day. Going about their day looking for people. Darker. Probably this lady who did that video over there. And where was that? Spain? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably gonna get her too. So, by the way, Brazil. Brazil. No consequences, no hierarchy. Nobody to answer to. Nothing. Just guys walking around in cutoffs and flip flops, crawling out of vans and just grabbing random folk and tackling them to the ground. Yep. No process.

[Mike Dawson]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

No due process. No warrant, no up, no down, no rhyme, no reason. Just walking around, going to the Whole Foods in Santa Monica, just grabbing red haired chicks, getting in a headlock and dragging them out. They're driving a van. They're driving the. You know, they're driving the van. The Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo. It's not even ice van. It's just a custom van. George Barris made in the 70s.

[Mike Dawson]

It's a shagging wagon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, man. It says Lovetron on the side. Rainbow tape. And there's an airbrushed Viking with a shirt off and he's riding on a snow puma. And they just come waltzing in, nude, nude, grabbing white chicks. Many celebrities. The only thing they're wearing is a mask and a smile. And they come grabbing people and they just round them up and they stuff them in the van and they drive across the border to Honduras. And Honduras like, what's going on? They're like, none of your business. Because I'm rogue, babe. I'm a one man rounding up Mexican machine. And by the way, it don't matter if you have proper documentation. They don't care.

[Mike Dawson]

They don't care.

[Adam Carolla]

They're gone rogue. Kicking open doors, showing up up grabbing folk and disappearing them into gulags. Okay.

[Mike Dawson]

Concentration camps as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Concentration logs.

[Mike Dawson]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Goo goo camps. So that's what they're doing. You understand? And by the way, could be any of us. It never could be next. It never is. Anybody you know or anyone you've ever heard of or anyone has ever been on CNN or anyone that could ever report. I could be. She never is.

[Mike Dawson]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

But it could be us. Who? You could be next.

[Mike Dawson]

I mean, that nice lady in Minnesota was just trying to drive her car into an ICE agent.

[Adam Carolla]

She was asking for directions, by the way. How'd she know who they were? They're all unmarked. Everything. And no badging or anything. She got masks. How do they. How's she over there?

[Mike Dawson]

That's a good question.

[Adam Carolla]

How are they so good at identifying ICE agents if ICE agents don't identify themselves? Themselves.

[Mike Dawson]

Case closed.

[Adam Carolla]

Case closed. All right.

[Mike Dawson]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

What else do we got?

[Mike Dawson]

Let's stay in entertainment. Action stars.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the name of this douche who wrote this oh, I got it thing, by the way?

[Mike Dawson]

William Earl.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't they. Did they not have editors who go, william Earl.

[Mike Dawson]

Sounds like a good name. Like William Earl and Chuck Norris.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

Would be at a diner. A weekly appointment at a. At a shitty diner. Talking about the fate of America, but nope.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so now we got what?

[Mike Dawson]

Oh, this is fun. Reacher star Alan Richson might have thought he was still shooting an episode of the popular show Reacher Got video of him beating the hell out of a neighbor in Tennessee. Here's what happened. On Saturday, Alan Richson was riding his dirt bike down the street, revving, making a lot of noise. One of the neighbors didn't like it, and he flipped him off. Alan Rich and flips him back off. And then Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

Allen's been in here before.

[Mike Dawson]

Nice guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Totally nice guy.

[Mike Dawson]

Totally nice guy. He comes back on Sunday with his two kids on motorbikes.

[Adam Carolla]

Next day.

[Mike Dawson]

Next day and making the noise again. And apparently the neighbor said, can you effing stop this, please? And then that's when things turn physical.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and someone's filming it out the window. Oh, the guy's laying on the ground,

[Mike Dawson]

beating the guy up.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy's crawling around. The guy kind of. What's he doing? Is he giving up?

[Mike Dawson]

Is he going back to Reacher?

[Adam Carolla]

He dumped his bike. His kids are sitting there. Is he on a.

[Mike Dawson]

It's a Kawasaki.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the bike's running. Oh, that's the worst part. That's what you don't want. Want in court. It looks like a street bike and not a dirt bike. And he.

[Mike Dawson]

That does look like a street bike.

[Adam Carolla]

He dropped it and he let it run. But there's another dirt bike back there. So who the fuck's on the dirt bike? And the concerned neighbor who just got pummeled on his feet, man. Still talking shit. And. And by the way, he screwed his bike up. His kids.

[Mike Dawson]

And then his kids fall him. But yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So his bike is laid down the street and it's running right now. And it's in gear. It looks like. Not looks like, but it behaves like. And the throttle's turning the rear wheel, and so when he pulls it up, which, by the way, that meant he just dumped that bike and started pummeling.

[Mike Dawson]

He didn't put his kickstand down. He didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't kick it to neutral. He didn't do anything. He just dumped it and started punching that dude. Wow. Wow. I. You know, I like the guy.

[Mike Dawson]

Nice guy, but that's a strange. There's. There's got to be something more to this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's.

[Mike Dawson]

You don't just go batshit crazy with two of your kids behind you. I don't know. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe a little roid rage in there.

[Mike Dawson]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

There there's also going to be. I mean that's a. Settled for an undisclosed amount. Sure. I mean, you put Gargas on this case, he's gonna get that guy to pay.

[Mike Dawson]

And apparently it looks like, if I'm seeing this correctly, it looks like the neighbor who got beat up lives in the house across the street. This is another neighbor filming this, I believe.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh right. This is another neighbor from the other side filming this. And it's always funny, you know it's funny. Well, also it's weird because there is a dirt bike on a kickstand for adults on the other side of the street. So it's kind of like somebody else went out there, rode some wheelies, but keep it going. So he picks up his Kawasaki street bike. His kids are on street bikes, by the way. And so these bikes are street legal, which is a little different than being on a dirt bike going up and down the street. That's illegal. And this thing. Yeah. All right, so he's on a rice rocket, essentially. I don't know if we can say that.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah, actually the, the, the story says motorbikes. What I read was dirt bikes. Anytime I see a motorbike, I think motorbikes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you said dirt bikes. So it changes the context of it a little. So here's the. If you're. Yeah, okay. If you are going up and down your residential street on a two stroke Honda 250 dirt bike, then neighbors sort of have the claim to go, hey man, I'm gonna call the cops cuz this guy's riding wheelies and making noise and there's soot fire. You know, like a two stroke dirt bike. It's a little nasty for the street, but he's on a street bike. So you don't really have the claim on a street bike. You can still go. The guy's just going up and down and throwing revs and annoying everybody. Right. And also, I don't know what the legalities of. There's no more laws involving kids in motorized bikes or motorcycles. When I was a kid was one big. You're going to get busted if you take that mini bike out on the street. Now I see whole gangs of mini bikes going by. I see kids on electric bikes going down the sidewalk at 40 miles an hour. There's guys on scooters, like everything with two wheels. Every kid's on it. No one's getting a ticket. Ticket. But his kids are on dirt. Sorry. Street bikes. Mini street bikes. By the way, if my dad ever said to me, hey, this Neighbor's being a son of a bitch. Grab your bike and let's go throw some revs. I'd be like, hey, dad, you never bought me a bike. And you don't have one either, so go back to the sofa. Yeah. So there's going to be some suing going on.

[Mike Dawson]

There's going to be some suing going on. The way the law works in this. Is the famous person paying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Mike Dawson]

And the video is going to enforce that. Now is a good time to say that. Reacher, Season one, Episode five, One of my songs, City of Angels is in that episode. Season one, episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

Let's go back and watch that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I should ask Santora what. What he thinks of this. All right, let me. Let's do one more.

[Mike Dawson]

All right. Well, just over 83 years ago, Franklin Roosevelt called the Imperial Japanese Navy's December 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor a date that will live in infamy. On Thursday, President Donald Trump turned it into a punchline.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, that's so good. Let's play it hard.

[Pete Holmes]

And we didn't tell anybody about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Start from the top. We wanted surprise. We went in very hard.

[Pete Holmes]

And we didn't tell anybody about it

[Adam Carolla]

because we wanted to surprise. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Okay. Why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? Okay. Right. He's asking me. You believe in surprise? I think much more so than us.

[Pete Holmes]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on. You have to hear the part. We don't need it. But you have to hear the part where the guy who asked him the question is in Japanese, like sort of broken English. The guy who asked him the question is Japanese. That's the part that really makes it funny. Cuz it's not like he's talking to the prime minister, he's talking to a reporter. But the reporter asked the question in a sort of staccato Japanese.

[Mike Dawson]

That's a little more context there.

[Adam Carolla]

A little more context. That's why he's going, why didn't you tell us this? Great. So look, if you wanna know the difference between Trump and Obama, Trump makes a Pearl harbor joke, he's dead nuts on. And Obama goes to Hiroshima and Nagasaki and apologizes for us dropping a bomb on the people that started the fucking war and raped everybody and enslaved everybody and tortured everyone to death, and we would have wasted another 400,000 souls trying to invade their mainland and we would have killed 2 million of them. Obama thinks it's a good idea to apologize to them. That's it. And Trump thinks it's a good idea to make fun of them. And that's all you need to know, kids. Obama goes in there, puts his fucking tail between his legs, does one of those I love this country, but bullshit. You've never said anything good about this country ever. Neither is your fucking wife. So you go over there and beg for forgiveness and Trump makes a joke about a surprise attack. And that's the difference. And that's where the mocking comes in versus the apologizing.

[Mike Dawson]

There's never been a greater time to love your country.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this weekend, Friday, Saturday Norfolk Folk Nebraska District center early show Friday sold out. I don't know, maybe some still for the left. And then Sunday Lincoln, Nebraska two shows there. Late show or the 7 o' clock show sold out. So we had a 4 o' clock show. You just Gotham karla.com for all the info. Until next time, Sam for Dawson and Pete Holmes. Sam Mahala, you can leave us a

[Mike Dawson]

voicemail at 888-634-1744 and be sure and get tickets to see the Ace man in Nebraska this [e-mail].

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[Adam Carolla]

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