Richard Lewis + Lisa Lampanelli (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Carolla Classics: Richard Lewis + Lisa Lampanelli
September 27, 2025 | PodcastOne / Carolla Digital

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Episode Overview

This episode of Carolla Classics brings together two standout interviews from the show's archives: comedian Richard Lewis (originally from episode 1403, 2014) and the “Queen of Mean” herself, Lisa Lampanelli (episode 1426, 2014). Hosted by Superfan Giovanni, these classic conversations highlight Adam Carolla’s signature blend of sharp humor, candid introspection, irreverent banter, and surprisingly thoughtful discussions about careers in comedy, self-worth, and personal transformation.

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Key Topics & Segments

1. Adam on Meaning, Awards & Self-Worth

(00:54–11:27)

• Adam launches into a characteristic self-examination about why awards and outward recognition—like his recent Comedian’s Comedian Award—don’t “move the needle” for him.
• He contrasts the hollow feeling of awards with the genuine pride from competitive achievements like his Toyota Grand Prix trophies.
• Delves into his background: lack of a comedy idol, preference for competitive validation, and a “man of the people” identity.
• Notable Quote:

  "This means nothing to me. It is exactly a zero." - Adam (01:54)
  "You thrive on things that can be proven in competition." - Allison (05:03)
  "For me, that kind of stuff means more. But this should mean something, right?" - Adam (05:29)

• Allison Rosen suggests that Adam feels more connected to recognition from fans vs. peers—a theme revisited later.

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2. Banter & Classic Carolla Riffing

(11:29–23:26)

• Jokes about on-set annoyances (like the eternal lunch flies on “Catch a Contractor”) morph into signature rants about workplace inertia and human wiring.
• Digressions abound: childhood sports, tangible vs. intangible accomplishments, and why hunger strikes are the adult version of “holding your breath until you go to Disneyland.”
• Fun with caller “Mohammed Gandhi,” who credits Adam’s show for inspiring his career change.
• Notable Quote:

  "My biggest fear is that I was gonna just leave it in the green room at Flappers and leave that night and forget about it." - Adam (02:09)

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3. Callers, Old Names, & Comedy History

(23:26–38:33)

• Callers weigh in with questions—one actually named Gandhi—which Adam riffs on.
• Classic comedy detours: the Ray J. Johnson Jr. Miller Lite bits and the old world of catchphrase comedians (“you can call me Ray…”) vs. today’s standards.
• The struggle with odd last names, pop culture twist, and the anatomy of career choices in music and comedy.

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4. Advice for Creative Careers

(38:34–40:20)

• Adam shares blue-collar wisdom: careers in entertainment work if you have rare ability, not just desire ("playing in the NBA is not a great career choice, but if you're LeBron James...").
• The value of "ancillary" creative roles, like being a sound guy if you love TV but aren't an on-camera type.
• Notable Quote:

  "Pick your field and if you're attracted to it, go for it." - Adam (40:20)

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5. Guest Segment: Richard Lewis

(47:34–82:35)

• Lewis reflects on the explosion of comedy, from the '80s comedy boom ("every delicatessen had a comedy night") to today’s oversaturated field.
• Describes starting out in New York, originally aiming to be a dentist to appease his father.
• Talks about developing his unique style, writing personal jokes for others, and finding his voice after his father’s death.
• Industry insights: the challenge and randomness of corporate gigs, nightmare venues (“I played Utah, it was a penitentiary”), and nightmare corporate events (bankers yelling World Series scores at dinosaur exhibits).
• The hazards of stand-up in places where no one is listening, the ordeal of being an opener, and the indignity of terrible venues.
• Adam and Richard bond over tough gigs, strange benefits, and the difficulty of being “the comic” at somber charity events.
• The burdens of age, expectations, and the indestructibility of some legends (e.g., Joan Rivers).
• On anesthesia and death: a surprisingly deep and humorous comparison of medical risk, flying fears, and how comedians relate to mortality.
• Notable Quotes:

  "I'm just talking about myself... fortunately some of it gets laughs. So I still feel it's surreal after 44 years." – Richard Lewis (53:09)
  "You must be very realistic about your ability. If you're funny or you're a great musician, by all means pursue it." – Adam (38:34)

• On being sensitive off-stage:

  "I'm an insult comic who can't take a joke, which is obviously hypocritical." – Lisa Lampanelli (147:20, see below)

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6. Guest Segment: Lisa Lampanelli

(137:13–157:56)

• Lisa discusses her dramatic weight loss (107 lbs through gastric sleeve surgery) and the profound effect it had on her health, self-image, and marriage (“107 pounds, kept it off for two and a half years... and counting”).
• On divorce and growth: amicable split from her husband Jimmy Big Balls, and the importance of post-weight-loss self-discovery.
• Lisa’s unique path: introverted as a child, but learned to perform for a living; finds sustenance in deep conversations, not parties or schmoozing.
• Opens up about sensitivity:

  "I'm an insult comic who can't take a joke, which is obviously hypocritical." – Lisa (147:20)
  "When I got the weight loss surgery, I stopped reading tweets about me because I knew physically, I wouldn't heal well if it... Because that would hurt my feelings so much." – Lisa (148:09)

• Honest reflections on the struggle with food, therapy, and gratitude, and how career satisfaction doesn't have to be measured in TV sitcoms.
• Adam and Lisa discuss the comedian’s perpetual predicament: everyone assumes they “must want something else” (TV show, movie, etc.). Both agree that standup is a legitimate, valid endgame.
• Notable Quotes:

  “Now I'm just grateful. When I get up, I'm like, oh, this is great, man. I get to do stuff I like every day.” – Lisa (155:23)
  "Isn't this a valid job? Like, I thought it was." – Lisa (161:07)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Adam unfiltered, on recognition:

  “This means nothing to me. It is exactly a zero.” (01:54)
  “You got to look behind you every once in a while and go, how many people are trying to do this?” (167:04)

• Lisa’s honest self-assessment:

  “I went from age 18 to 50, 32 years, trying every single thing. So I had a clear conscience saying this is the only thing that's going to work.” (149:17)

• Richard Lewis on comedic survival:

  “Some of the jokes we come up with that we love, you know—I remember like ten or twelve that I really dig.” (52:54)

• Career wisdom:

  “If you have a passion about music, just like—most of the people that I work on TV shows with…they all seem to have a ton of pride in it. ... So yeah, if you like TV ... mix the sound, do the sound, hold the camera. Just be in that area.” – Adam (38:33-40:20)

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Timestamps of Notable Segments

• Adam on awards & self-worth: 00:54–11:27
• Flies, production gripes, hunger strike banter: 11:29–17:57
• Caller “Mohammed Gandhi” and Adam's influence: 21:10–25:39
• Ray J. Johnson Jr. comedy detour: 30:26–34:39
• Richard Lewis interview: 47:34–82:35
  • On comedy’s golden era: 55:12
  • On toxic gigs, corporate horror shows: 57:35–61:40
  • On sensitivity, aging in comedy: 65:52–68:14
• Lisa Lampanelli interview: 137:13–157:56
  • On weight loss & marriage: 138:17–140:15
  • On being sensitive as an insult comic: 147:12–148:09
  • On therapy, forgiveness, career satisfaction: 153:55–161:27

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Tone & Style

As always, the episode is driven by Adam’s sharp, fast-paced riffing, zigzagging effortlessly from jokes about Pop Warner football to existential ruminations on gratitude, career, mortality, and self-sabotaging wiring. Richard Lewis and Lisa Lampanelli match the tone: brutally honest, neurotic, and insightful, giving listeners a rare look behind the bravado of high-profile standups.

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Final Thoughts

For listeners, these “classic” segments offer a cocktail of Adam’s trademark rants, behind-the-scenes industry talk, and candid conversations about big life changes. The interviews provide rare, honest perspectives on fame, achievement, creative fulfillment, and the ongoing struggle for emotional balance. Whether it’s the emotional rollercoaster of Richard Lewis’ career or Lisa Lampanelli’s transformation and self-acceptance, this episode is a testament to the enduring value—and vulnerability—of true comedians.

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For more: Find Lisa’s live dates at insultcomic.com and revisit Richard Lewis’s bundle of nerves box set at richardlewisonline.com.

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Summary by ChatGPT | 2024

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Cruel Classics, a available ad free exclusively through Podcast one Plus. If you would like to find the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsamcrolo.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Crolla show 1403 featuring Richard Lewis, Ray Oldhoffer, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2014.

[B]

Ray Oldhoffer is over here with just a tip. And of course, bald Brian. And by the way, you know what? I hate radio and podcasts, Dick. And your fucking cars are gay too.

[A]

That was LynetteCarolla who wanted that. It's her favorite drop. I asked her what she wanted for the hashtag top drop. She goes, how about some norm MacDonald can do? She goes, no, wait, I love that one from dag.

[B]

I love that one too. I want to hear it one more time. And by the way, you know, this is him.

[A]

This is him doing an older Sonny Corolla.

[B]

And by the way, you know what? I hate radio and podcasts, Dick. And your fucking cars are gay too. Is that the therapist's office? We'll see nobody better than Dick. Family therapy. So I got this award, Comedian's Comedian's Comedian Award. It was presented to me a few weeks back over at Flappers. And. And it's nice. It's got some heft to it. It's definitely heavier than most awards you get these days. Got a golden microphone on top of it. I was saying to Maria Menounos a few days back, and I don't know, and you guys can help me with my wiring. This means nothing to me. It is exactly a zero.

[A]

Well, we expected that.

[B]

I know, but I was. My biggest fear is that I was gonna just leave it in the green room at Flappers and leave that night and forget about it. Now it's in recognition of being a comedian and having a body of work behind me. My first thought is, well, Leno didn't show up.

[A]

Way behind you.

[B]

Yes, Leno passed on it. Dane Cook passed on it, and Kimmel passed on it. And geechee, guy passed on it. So my first impulse as someone with no self esteem as well, they wanted to give it out to a bunch of other guys, but they said no. Which I'm sure is what happened.

[A]

But still, Robert Williams passed on it.

[B]

Still. He was so upset by even the gesture. No, but I should still go, well, it is the Comedian's Comedian Award, and all you ever wanted to be was a comedian. And now you have an award that says you've been doing it for 20 years and making people laugh. Why does this mean nothing to you? Look, why? And by the way, just so you guys don't think I'm completely filled with cat poo and sawdust, because you could go, well, it means nothing to you because you're dead inside. But there are things such as my Toyota Grand Prix trophies, which mean a lot to me. So that does mean something to me.

[A]

You won that on the field of competition. There was people. There were people. There were people who had a chance to win that at the start of the race.

[B]

I don't want to. And I like where you're going. And your Pop Warner trophies, those mean a lot.

[A]

Well, no field of competition.

[B]

Well, actually, a letter of recruitment from Cal Poly Pomona trying to get me, calling me a blue chip player back in 1982 or something is my most valuable possession other than the twins. But when I say the twins, I mean the two lambos.

[A]

What'd you get a word of them for?

[B]

What I'm saying is this. This should mean something. It just doesn't. And so we've established that they're things that mean something to me. And one could go, well, okay, when you did the Toyota Grand Prix, you had to beat out a bunch of other people to win. And I understand that it feels good to win a race, but this is a little bit of a lifetime achievement award. It means, look, you've been in this industry, you've been recognized in this industry. And somebody said, you know, when they were deciding who to give this to, when someone said Adam Carolla, they didn't say who. They went, why? But they didn't say who.

[A]

Other questions in front of who.

[B]

Let's see how the name scribed in it. Is it even scribed in it or is it just all black onyx? Either way, it's got some heft to it. And I should have a feeling about it. I should have went home feeling pretty good about it that day and put it up on the mantelpiece and instead of having zero feelings, take a selfie with it. Yes. Why the zero feelings? I mean, obviously I blame my parents.

[A]

Well, you must have done some introspective thinking about this. Why do you think like I thought it was? Because it wasn't a competition. You thrive on things that can be proven in competition.

[B]

And by the way, why is it sitting front and center of you right now? I've only brought it in front of me so it would remind me to talk about it because I hadn't thought about it since I got it. I agree with you. I like the competition because the race is earned.

[A]

I mean, in a way, you did it on the track and there were other people trying.

[B]

I am. I am simpatico with you on the point that I am going simpatico on right now. I agree with you. For me, that kind of stuff means more. But this should mean something, right? It's a sort of, well, an Oscar you earn because you beat out five other people in your category, but a lifetime achievement. Well, you don't beat out other people. It's just here's your recognition for a period or a body of work. Just wonder why this doesn't move my needle at all. Can I have it? Yes.

[A]

Maybe the way it's phrased. Comedians. Comedians like Adams. Adams.

[B]

It's just something to do with comedy that never does anything for me. Like in the recognition department. It's the same thing with like, hey, you're the podfather. Hey, you're the most downloaded guy in the pod. Or hey, you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't feel like anything.

[A]

I feel like Mike lynch has thoughts on this. I would tie it to your feelings whenever the thing that you're the only person in this business who I've ever heard answer this way, which is, hey, who would you grow up listening to? Or who are your influences? Or what, did you own the Steve Martin albums when you. And not that. You just don't have those. Oh, yeah. Idolized such and such. Everyone has that story and you just don't have that for whatever reason. And it's just interesting. I wonder if it's time.

[B]

It is. It doesn't. It's low self esteem meets. Never been a huge fan of this. Been a bit huge. Grew up a sports fan. Not so much a comedy fan. Liked comedy, but never had that. Oh, man. One day I'm gonna go to a place called Flappers in Burbank and I should have been bestowed. That would have been very precious for a heavy award. Yeah. So anyway, it's just weird and I wish I did. I really I really do. You know what I really. You know what really gives me a kick is when I travel around the country and the various services, the Marines or the Helicopter Division or the seals or the Fighting Seabees or the firemen or the cops, they give me those pogs. They're coins, you know. And on one side it's got a Screaming Eagle, and on the other side it's got a. You know, it's got an F16 strafing over some village or something. And the guy hands it to me and he goes, that's. That's my unit, man. And then. Now, that doesn't mean anything to me, but when I come home from the trip, I give that medallion to my son Sonny, and he gets a big kick out of it. Really? Yes.

[A]

Do you think he can put into a video game machine or something?

[B]

Does he display them?

[A]

Play Pac Man?

[B]

He likes the idea that Papa travels around and that the heroes give him these things. And this comes from some faraway land, from some. You understand, when you're eight years old, what a guy's Army Ranger, what that guy looks like to you.

[A]

That's GI Joe.

[B]

Allison Rosen is sliding in. Sorry we started before you, but we're just making a little sweat.

[C]

Whatever.

[B]

We were just discussing your recent weight gain. No big deal. Anyway, that's.

[A]

I'd only kind of noticed, but everyone.

[B]

Else, that stuff, it was a yes and thing. Don't blame. Don't blame black stuff. We were discussing. Alison, I'm glad you're here. Why? This Comedian's Comedian Award means nothing to me. Like, how come internally, it doesn't feel like anything. And there are things I do have strong feelings about involving self esteem and worth. This doesn't feel like anything. It should feel like something. I don't know. I really. I'm not being humble. I'm just saying it doesn't. I had no feeling.

[A]

Doesn't register. First feel.

[B]

The first feeling was, they want you to come out and they're going to give you the Comedian's Comedian Award. And I thought, that sounds like a pain in the ass. And then the second part was, well, we're gonna do a live podcast from the place. And I went, okay. And we were done with it. And at the end, the nice lady from Flappers came walking out on stage with the award, and I went, oh, shit. Now I'm. We must acknowledge this in front of you because you felt vulnerable. No.

[C]

Can I suggest something?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And I hope this doesn't take anything away from the award, but I think of you as a man of the people. And I feel like you're the people's comedian. Ah, perhaps more than a comedian's comedian. Although it's a very nice award.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And I get what she was saying. She was saying you're doing a ton for podcasting and that's why they're giving you the award. But I wonder if it was like, here's this award that the people, your people who support you, want you to have, would that have moved the needle for you?

[B]

You know, I just have decided there are things in life that move my needle and things that don't. And somehow awards that pertain to comedy or don't. But I don't know why every award should be something from 1 to 10. It should never be a zero, especially if it's a sort of comedian's comedian. Anyway, it's a nice award. I'm just trying to delve into my psyche and figure out why. Doesn't mean nearly as much to me as it should. Ray is here. He's going to do a little. Just a tip. We've got a few phone calls. We are going to be in Ventura. We're going to be in San Antonio. We're going to be in Sacramento. We're going to be doing all the rounds. You can go to AdamCarolla.com and find out when and where we're going to be. Also, I'm signing those book covers. I have a bunch with me in my car. So if you want to send in your not Taco Bell material, well, we'll send one of those back to you because I still got about 3,000 of those. But I'll send in the jacket. I'll sign it. Brian will sign his jacket as well. So just go to the website, find out where to send them in. We're happy to sign them. Give us a little leeway because it takes a few minutes to sign everything, get it back and sent back out to you. We do it in dribs and drabs and so on and so forth. All right, now I'm pissed off.

[A]

It's finally a podcast.

[B]

I believe. I'll tell you why I believe that this weekend coming up, we will be nabbing maybe our seventh and eighth contractor or maybe our eighth and ninth contractor. We are doing 10 episodes of Catch a Contractor. When I walked in today, the collapsible umbrella mesh screens that protect the food from the flies showed up. Day one, I made the proclamation to everyone on the set. When I looked at the barbecued food covered with Flies. Because we are going to some of the hottest, shittiest places on the planet, and we're eating.

[C]

Flies have never seen real food.

[B]

No, they haven't. They're like, where's our Africans? And like, this is Pomona. We don't have any. And they're like, well, ship some bitches in. And we're like, we got coleslaw. You can use that instead. So they're like, all right, I'll shit on coleslaw if I must. But as I've said before, you have to picture six or seven big foil vats of this stuff. The kind of stuff you get when you feed a crew of 35 or 40. And then all the foil lids get pulled off, and then they sit down, and then the flies commence to sitting on everything. And. And then I make the announcement, let's get some of those fold open covers that Grandma. The screens. The screens that Grandma Carolla used to use back in the day at a barbecue. And I get the. There's a few answers I get that I always love. Here's number one. Oh, yeah, they got those. They do. I like that. You guys would make great fucking boy scouts. Hey, we should get a canteen. Yeah, they got those. And then we go up and fucking die up on the mountain, right? Yeah. So first is, oh, yeah, they got those. And then the second one is the acknowledgement that would be good to have again, as if we're living in some land where you can't go to Amazon and just get fucking everything the next day. So seven lunches later. Now, keep in mind, you catch seven or eight contractors. That ain't seven or eight shooting days. That's 22 shooting days. There's the walk through the house, the meet the family, the bring the contractor back to the house. All of them involve a lunch. There is no day that I've shot catch a contractor where there is not a huge lunch that is spread out at some point on multi folding tables. Everyone's making the rounds, and it's just impossible, especially if you go back for seconds, not to see the fucking flies all over the ribs. So I finally said to the production chick, I said, we're now more than halfway through this endeavor. Should we just go all the way through to the end and not have the thing that costs $7 that'll keep the fly shit off the macaroni and cheese. Are we going to get these? And she goes, I've been really slammed. And I said, okay, but at any point, just go to Amazon.

[C]

I thought Gary bought them.

[A]

Click Through.

[B]

Yes, he bought. I had my people bought by them. And then I shall bring them.

[C]

Oh, this is before that in the story. Sorry, yes.

[B]

No, this is after that. But they just showed up. She just said to you, this isn't catch craft service. Leave me alone. I'm just like, where the fuck are these things? And with the advent of the computer, is anything out of reach these days? Is there any peon that you can go go online, use your fucking iPhone and just order baker's dozen of these things for $14. Where are we at? My part is not the part where no one thinks of it. My part is the part where someone thinks of it, everyone ignores it. And then somewhere around the second to last lunch out of the 31 lunches we have, they show up. Why? Why is that why we wire that way? And it's not like I walked into a homeless encampment in East LA and went, hey bums, gather around, grab a knee. Helmet's not a chair.

[A]

You're already on your knees.

[B]

Break it down. I need some of these exotic things. This is a highly organized group. I mean, this is a group that shows up in panel vans in West Covina at 6:30, starts putting cameras everywhere. And everyone's got headphones and walkie talkies. Like, I mean this is a well oiled unit.

[C]

Presumably they don't enjoy flies on their food either. I mean this affects everyone.

[B]

As I scream all the time to everyone. I didn't say after you're done putting the coat of carnauba wax on my El Camino. I would prefer some oral. Or you can change up the order and surprise me. No, this is for everybody here who is eating. Why not? Why not just do it now? So she said she was pretty slammed and that when she got back to the office she would think about it. But I suspect the next shoot I will be showing up with these things in my hand and everyone's attitude will be exactly what it always is, which is, oh, hey, there you go. Hey, that's a good idea. Oh yeah, well, and then there's this one. I brought this up six months ago. Yeah, and here they are. Yeah, but why didn't we. And here they are. Why, why are we wired that way? What goes on? Why not just fucking go do it? Well, you got your next two episodes. You guys don't need any more. You just do it on this. God damn. You should refuse to eat. Yeah, that, that's show them hunger strike. I'm gonna go suck off the hose and eat my boogers in the corner. I'll show you. More brisket for everyone. I hope you choke on it.

[C]

I've never understood why hunger strikes work to affect change, because they do sometimes. But I don't understand.

[B]

Obviously. Hunger strike. Hunger strike is okay now. That was too far.

[C]

For the record, I have not gained weight.

[B]

Hunger strike is the adult equivalent to, I'm gonna hold my breath until we go to Disneyland. It's the adult version of, oh, yeah, I'm gonna fuck myself over royally until you give me what I want.

[C]

So why does it work in prison?

[B]

Well, it's a couple things. Half the people I feel that are on hunger strikes, I would like to die anyway. Just through natural causes, you know. Hey, the guys in Guantanamo Bay have decided to stop eating bean curd for a while. Like, good, good. We don't have to send anyone back to Tikrit to make any more fucking vest bombs. Like, so most people that are going, you know, outside the rare Gandhis of the world, by the way. That had to be confusing for Gandhi's buddies. He's walking around emaciated with a towel in his flip flops, and everyone had to be going, hey, Gondo, on the hunger strike. Now, are we eating pizza? Or where. I don't know where you're at. You're always fucking on a hunger strike. As far as I can't. Someone show me a before and after picture. I want to see five pictures of Gandhi. You tell me which ones. He's on a hunger strike. Because there's not one where it's like, well, guts hanging over. He's got a bucket of chicken under his arm. Yeah. Oh, double chin just flopping over, big jowls. When are you nod. Wow, that'd be great. Be great to be friends with Gandhi. Hey, Gandhi, tell us when you're not on a hunger strike. Okay, babe? And by the way, we've done the math. You don't like food or the Brits. So why the hunger strike? I don't know why we try to fucking force feed them. I don't know if you don't want to eat. That seems like a very American right. Like a constitutional right. Like, I do not want to eat. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like there's certain things you talk about reproductive rights with women. Hey, the government's not getting involved with my. I feel like the government should get involved with your mouth.

[D]

Right?

[B]

You just don't want to eat, you know, that's your fucking prerogative.

[C]

And that's debated often whether they have the Right. To force feed you or not.

[B]

That's got to be a pretty tough detail. The guy's got to go in there and get the super angry emaciated person to fucking eat. You know what I mean? And then what? They feed them, hold them down and do like what they do to a, you know, a Carpenter stuffed goose or Karen Carpenter. Yeah. Legal Zoom baby. I'd use these guys if someone was forcing me to eat. Legal Zoom. You got to prepare for the future financial planning. You got to get insurance. You want peace of mind, man finances. You need to be legally protected. LegalZoom.com for over 13 years have been helping Americans get personalized wills, powers of attorney and Living Trust. LegalZoom also helps you file the LLCs, the S Corps and more. It'll protect you against personal liability. You can it started by, by the way by some of the best legal minds in the country that make it painless for you to get your legal protection. You need. It is Legal Zoom baby. Dawson, you can get legal help through independent attorneys and self help services at your direction. But they're not a law firm's. For special savings, be sure to enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Code illegals and the questions start early.

[D]

How do I know when he's full?

[B]

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[D]

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[B]

Take control of your family's future. All right, let's see. Line three. Mohammed 31, Toronto. Mohammed, you on a hunger strike? No, sir, I am not.

[A]

Adam, I've been a big, big fan of yours. Can you please tell me what my last name says on the caller id?

[B]

It says Mohammed Toronto. Okay. Can I tell you a freak thing? Sure.

[A]

My last name is Gandhi.

[B]

Wow. Awesome. And you're not on a hunger strike? Not today. Wow. And any relationship to the great Mahatma?

[A]

Oh, I wish I did. We just share our initials and that's about it.

[B]

M.G. and that's it? Why not? First off, I don't know. Muhammad. I don't know if it would translate into an ounce of pussy, but Gandhi could probably get by 10 years on an ounce of pussy. He's not a big guy. One in the pussy. If I were you, I would say you're the grandson of the great civil rights leader Gandhi, because. No, but listen, you tell me, I'll be a hot chick at the bar. All right? You pretend You're Gandhi's grandkid. And I'll tell you what would never happen. So what's your heritage?

[A]

Mohammed from India, Grew up in Bombay.

[B]

Gandhi. Gandhi. That's any relationship to the great Gandhi? Oh, yeah. My grandfather was in the resistance and.

[A]

He adopted the name because why not?

[B]

Is he Gandhi? Is he the Gandhi?

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Get the fuck out of here. No, seriously. Bull fucking shit. Take this daiquiri back. You take those fucking sandals and march toward the fucking exit, brother.

[A]

Now, who would like dressing the part too?

[B]

Yes. Everyone would believe him, right?

[C]

Yeah. No one would ask for proof. Yeah, and nor would they even know.

[B]

How to interpret it. A lot about that man, and he always pulled out. So don't give me this bullshit now lick the curry off my dick. And lost half his body mass, by the way, when he came.

[A]

All right, The Gandhi all, he did.

[B]

Not believe in recreational sex.

[A]

He only believed in if sex had the purpose.

[B]

The purpose was to reproduce so all part of the narrative. Yeah, but your nickname could be Curry Dick and that could work out. So you're saying I just did nine minutes on Gandhi and I took. My name is. And I took the first call and your last name is Gandhi? That's it, sir. That's why you are the best. Wow, it is weird Comedians Comedian award winner. Now let me give you an award that you. The award that you got, probably you were not too keen on it, but I'll tell you give you an award that. So three years ago, I used to work. I'm an aircraft performance. I'm an aerospace engineer. I used to work for an aircraft manufacturer. I hated my job and I wanted to.

[A]

I had started my own business, wanted to continue that full time, but I was afraid of quitting my job.

[B]

And one day after, again another day of not doing anything, just sitting on the computer, just typing numbers and this and that.

[A]

I was sitting in the car and.

[B]

You said something to the effect of whenever you ever regret and stop being a victim. And man, that gave me an impedance to quit my job.

[A]

And Adam, I've been like.

[B]

Now when I talk to my wife, she. Whenever I say something smart, she always looks at me flaunt and says, it's.

[A]

Just Adam Carolla's theory.

[B]

I'm like, shit, even I can think for my own. So.

[A]

I just.

[B]

Adam, your phone. Your phone is fading in and out. But since you quit your job, it's been good for you. Oh yes, great stuff. Again, as you said, when has.

[A]

When have you regretted making a change? Nothing. My business has flourishing we just signed a distributorship contract. My products are going to be in 100 to 200 stores in Canada.

[B]

We already in our own 10 stores in the U.S. ain't Shark Tank, bitch. Let's keep it sharp.

[A]

I'll give you $10,000.

[B]

Now, listen, thank you, Muhammad, and thank you for the work your great grandfather did. Yes, they had to strike over salt. I don't feel like that could get me out of bed. You know what I mean?

[A]

His phone's on a reception strike.

[B]

How'd that rally go? And then he went on a pilgrimage for, like, six days. Went to the sea, touched his mouth to the water and said, salt is free. What I'm saying is in terms of me, like, all right, you shoot the unarmed black kid, maybe I'll show up with a candle. Comedians, maybe professional sports franchise, maybe the Lakers are threatening to leave town. I might get me out onto the street. But hey, man, salt's too much. I feel like I'm good on this one. I mean, I'm with you spiritually, but I just don't have super strong feelings on salt, you know? You. Now, if we're talking about, like, fresh ground pepper, like, from a big mill, I had a salad today where the guy did. I like, you know what? You know how some people are in love with the notion of being in love? I'm in love with the idea of pepper. It's somebody who comes, well, first off, there's pepper on the table, but somehow that pepper's been deemed not good enough for you. And then the person comes around and they go, would you like some fresh ground pepper? And you go, yeah. And then you get to tell them when to stop. So they're sort of your monkey for a little while, and they're working it, and you're trying to check their technique. Like, are they doing a. Are they holding it higher than they need to? Are they doing in a slightly circular fashion? Yeah. Did the one slice of avocado get way too much and the other get almost no love from the pepper mill? The pepper mills always seem unreasonably too big. It's also. It's the last thing we still make out of wood. Everything has been turned into something other than wood. You know, it used to be every car steering wheel was wood. Every shift knob was wood. Like, everything was wood. Kayaks were wood. Peppermill not fucking with it. There's no titanium one. There's no plastic one. It's always the big wood one.

[C]

Why is it the size of a violin?

[B]

I don't know. I assume in the day they would have pepper mill wars and, you know, like, you know, when the cops came in and tried to shut down the speakeasy, they'd have to go out there with a big pepper mill and duke it out with them.

[A]

Riot gear.

[B]

There are many pepper mills that could defeat a police baton. No problemo. Especially when you have the pepper spray woven right into it. Legal to have in your car. Mm, that's right. You can carry it openly. You don't need a permit. Oh, yes, Great stuff again. All right, let's see. Question about turning 30. Hey, Aaron. 30, Bay Area ace, man. Get it on. Aaron, do you have an exotic last name? I have a last name. Yeah. Okay. Bald Allison. All right. Oh, yes, Great stuff. What is your last name? Luther king. It is McVeigh, actually. Oh, boy. You like blowing up federal buildings, huh? Well, yeah, that's something I've had to deal with for the past 20 years of my life or so. Sure. It's gotta suck when you have a name that's good for a good long time and then somebody goes south on you.

[A]

Speaking of the girl in the bar, I remember many Years ago, probably 2006 or so, I came across a girl in a bar who was very drunk and was like, oh, what's your name? I think I was the one talking to her. It was someone else, Katrina. And it was just after the hurricane, like. Oh, like the hurricane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're the next one to bring it up.

[B]

I feel that way about game show host Mark Wahlberg because, you know, you got a. Hey, who do we got booked for the pod? We got Mark Wahlberg. Oh, we're gonna talk some Planet of the Apes. That one.

[A]

Good pull on his 30th best movie.

[B]

I'm just saying, when I was a kid, you can call me Ray guy. Oh, yeah. Ray J. Johnson. For about 10 minutes. Yeah. There was a very famous comedian who probably had. It was back when all you needed was a catchphrase. You didn't really need an act. He wrote it. Great stuff again. And this whole thing was like someone would come up to him and go, hey, Ray. And he'd go, ray, you don't have to call me Ray. You can call me Ray. You can call me Jay. You can call me ray J. John Jr. You can call me Ray J. It was a weird. You guys know what I'm talking about. You can call me. Yeah.

[A]

A routine.

[B]

Yeah. And then what would happen is he droned on. So he'd go, so just don't call me Ray. Or something. Then he'd take another step and someone would tap on his shoulder and go, hey, Ray. And he'd turn around real slow and go, whoa. And then everyone start laughing. They'd use it for, like, Miller Light commercials.

[A]

I was about to say, what form? What format was it commercials? Was it late night? Was it. Where would this pop up?

[B]

What was 77, 76, something like that? Just go. You can find the. Gary. You can find the. I think his name was ray J. Johnson, Jr. Or something. And his entire schtick was about his name, and it was about not having to call him Ray. And it was one of these rhythm jokes, and it didn't really make any sense on paper, and it wasn't funny. Just. Everyone just sort of went. It was like the 70s. Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, it was Mood rings and Pet Rocks. We had comedy versions of that, too. All right, let's see what he wants to know about one Red line.

[A]

One.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Aaron, what do you want to know? Yeah, I still have a question. So. By the way, I'm just enjoying listening to this podcast live. It's pretty interesting. Thank you. Ray J. Johnson, Jr. You can come. Pleasure talking to you guys. Has passed. Certainly has. For Hill called Brian. All right. Been pursuing a career in music since graduated high school. Hold on. We got the Ray J. Johnson Jr. Commercial. Now, the one at the bottom is him in his 70s. The one at the top is like a Miller Light commercial. But the one at the bottom probably has his whole shtick. Yeah. All right, hold on a second. Let's just see what his sht was.

[A]

Let's see the original, right?

[B]

Hey, Johnson.

[A]

Oh, you don't have to.

[B]

Have to call me Johnson. My name is Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. Now, you could call me Ray, or you could call me Jay, or you could call me Johnny, or you could call me Sonny, or you could call me Juni, or you could go and Ray J. Or you could call me RJ. Or you could call me RJJ. Or you could call me RJj, Jr. But you doesn't have to call me Johnson. Can we call him Dead? This is obviously before cable or satellite or many other forms of entertainment, because the Miller Light commercial is the one up top. He parlayed this into a fucking career.

[C]

I just find it annoying.

[B]

It is. Oh, it's a Bud Light commercial.

[A]

That was like a bobo version of it, right. With some guy doing it.

[B]

It could have been him years after the fact. No, I think it was him later on. 25 years.

[A]

That's not the commercial you're talking about.

[B]

Oh, no, no, that's not commercial. That was just. That was just him doing the thing. All right, here we go. That was him.

[A]

Give me an Anheuser Busch Natural light.

[B]

Just say natural.

[D]

You see, you doesn't have to call.

[B]

It Anheuser Busch Natural light. And you doesn't have to call it Anheuser Natural. And you doesn't have to call it Busch Natural. Just say natural. Johnson's right. Oh, you can call me Ray or you can call me Jay, or you can, for a great tasting light, be a. Just say natural. But you doesn't have to call me Johnson. Two naturals, please. Please don't ask him his name. Name. You can call me Ray or you can call me sir. Now, thankfully, I have people in my life and this is why I've earned the Comedian's Comedian Award, who would tap me on the shoulder as Ray would have done when I was concocting this act in my 20s and go, what the fuck are you talking about? There's nothing fucking funny or clever or interesting about that at all. This guy had a pretty long run.

[C]

With it, which is weirdly catchy. It is the rhythm.

[B]

Well, we love cadence. But the point is, this was well known enough for them to put him into a national commercial spot and have audience assumed we know what the bit is. I mean, it's famous enough so that when you go, yeah, you don't have to call it natural light. That was his whole bit. Wow. That was the whole shtick.

[A]

Good for him.

[B]

He was on, you know, Carson, everything. Yeah, real round for rounds. He was big. Well, when you're doing an Anheuser Busch commercial, it's running during football games. It's like, people gotta know who you are.

[A]

Good point.

[B]

All right, Aaron, where were we? You want to do a beer commercial? Yeah. Mm. Miller Light drink? Miller Light. What else? I'm looking for some career advice. Ace man. All right, so been pursuing a career in music. Oh, you don't have to call me Ace. Yeah, career. And you know, it's been, it's ups and downs, it's been good. But I also have a great job opportunity in title setters trade and some experience there. I was kind of had this like 30 year cutoff thing and then I was reading your book in 50 years wall be Chicks, and you mentioned you had a kind of a similar thing, like imaginary line in the sand. Yeah. Your career. Yes. So if you hadn't made it by that time, would you have just gone back to swinging a hammer? Or you know, well, a couple things. I think Ray will back me up on this. People have this thing where it's like, well, what got you into doing construction or what got you into carpentry? It's like asking me and Ray when we were 19. What got you into carpet cleaning? What initially attracted you to the craft of carpet cleaning? Let me explain. Super shitty parents who didn't give a fuck meets. Zero education meets. I have to make $7 an hour doing something. So no attraction to anything. What got Ray into construction and what got me into construction was the exact same set of parameters. Parents that didn't give a shit, Zero education meets I need a buck. Nobody sat around and went, let's talk about careers. I never had that. No, nobody had a career oriented. There was get a job talk, sure. No, with insurance, get some insurance, get a job. But there was never a career discussion. Now musician is one of those things I say all the time. Look, playing in the NBA is not a great career choice, but if you're LeBron James, then it's a very nice career choice. And I would say the same. If you're about comedy, comedy's not a great career choice. But if you're Dennis Miller, it's a pretty good career choice. If you're musician, not a good career choice. But if you're Pete Townsend, pretty good career choice. So the idea of deciding what's a prudent career choice or not, people do that like they act like, well, the NBA only has 126 players and there's 150 million young boys who'd like to play. So why would you want to spin that roulette wheel? Well, it's not a spin of the roulette wheel. If you can have a 40 inch vertical leap and you're 6 8, that gets a lot of the folks off the wheel. Gets a lot of the numbers off the wheel. So if you have ability and whatever the far fetched career is, you absolutely can do it. But if you don't, then you can't. So you must be very realistic about your ability. If you're funny or you're a great musician, by all means pursue it.

[A]

Let me ask you this. If music is your passion, if you're, if music is your thing, you love it. You don't want to do anything else. You're going after it for a while. You're not making a career in music as a musician, but there are ancillary jobs in the industry. You can be a tech or a studio guy or whatever. A roadie or manager, whatever. Is that an acceptable thing or is it like go for your dreams or go for something?

[B]

I think if you have a passion about music, just like if you. The guys, most of the people that I work on TV shows with, out of the entire crew covered with flies, by the way, there's only two or three of them that are in front of the camera. And then there's two or three that are kind of director, producer, whatever. And then there's everyone else. Like I've noticed, for instance, sound guys. You wouldn't think people would take a ton of satisfaction in that. These are some of the most put together, competent people on the planet. They have this satchel that has everything in it, including every extra battery times five. They have this whole. They all have their own way of holding the boom mic. Some do it on a stand, some put it over their head and do it in a weird way. They're breaking their stuff down, pulling their cables, setting up, doing blah, blah, blah. They all seem to have a ton of pride in it. The camera guys have a ton of pride in it. I don't think that they're interested in being in front of the camera. They love being on set, they love the production, they love the idea that, hey, that's me doing that job very skillfully and very well. So, yeah, if you like TV and maybe you're not TV host material, you get a job mixing the sound, doing the sound, holding the camera. Yes. Just be in that area. So many people have a love of sports. I don't know how many of them play. The rest are on the sidelines, front office. You watch that Hard Knocks training camp. Those assistant coaches, special team coaches. The guys that are. Even the guys that are pulling towels out of the locker room seem every bit as engaged, even more so engaged than half the stone players. They're actually doing it on the team, Right? Yeah.

[A]

Because any player can be replaced by any number of five, six guys. Any front office guy can be replaced by any number of five, 600 guys.

[B]

Yeah. It's just everyone there seems to be satisfied. So pick your field and if you're attracted to it, go for it. And I'll tell you what else you should go for. Free prints, baby. Never been an easier, more affordable way to get free prints from your smartphone until now. Free prints, they have a free app for your iPhone. It's for your Android. Lets you print up to 1,000, 1,000 4x6 photos a year absolutely free.

[A]

That's incredible because how many photos do we have on our phones that you're like, that's a great sunset or wedding picture or whatever right now. Took it to someone's wedding. I'd love to have a picture of that.

[B]

All you pay is a very small shipping and handling charge. And you can print photos. And by the way, you can do other sizes as well. For next to nothing, you select the photos you want to print, whether they're on your phone or your Facebook or your Instagram. You choose the size and the quantity you want and you're done. That's it. You get the app. You get the app. 1000 free [e-mail] how the hell can you go wrong? Freeprintstoday.com that's freeprints today. Today.com 1000 free prints. All right, Ray, Richard Lewis is here. I'm going to present him the comedian's comedian award. I'm a fan. Do you think he'll take it? I think it's good. It's good with it. Shall you do a little. Just the tip? We can do that. And this segment is sponsored by MaximaStyle.com for best selection on energy saving LED bulbs like the ones we use in here, I think counted what 112 we have in here. 112 bulbs here. Yeah. All the units, everything at home, everything everywhere. Walked around, counted them all here. 112. Adam, you're probably about 500. Go to maxximastyle.com. all right. What do you got, Ray? My intro song. Oh, yeah. All right, gentlemen, grab your hardwood. It's time for just the tip. Just the tip. Ace. Fall is approaching with fall things fall meaning leaves in your gutter. And you know what can happen? They clog up. It'll wick through the wall. It can mess everything up. There you go. Rain gutters. How do you clear them? Get up on the roof. Hazardous could fall. Get a Latin guy to do it. Better avenue. Better one. Yeah, and kill you. Mm. What you do? Get your leaf blower. Everybody has one now. They do. Yeah. All right. Everybody's got a leaf blower now. We do. Well, you don't. Your Latin. Does anyone in this room have a leaf blower? Oh, you mean you get your guys with the leaf blower. I have a leaf blower. Actually have a leaf blower. Plug in.

[A]

Everyone has access to one.

[B]

That's right. Get a piece of PVC 10 footer, put a trap on it. That's the. That's the white pipe. White pipe or the black pipe? Doesn't matter. Abs, abs.

[A]

Use duct tape.

[B]

Use duct tape on the leaf blower, attach it, get a trap at the end of it. You blow out the gutters. Do you blow it from the bottom up or do you get up there? No, just from the bottom with the U, the trap. You can blow the whole gutter out. So you go without climbing on a ladder. Correct, without climbing on a ladder. You blow it out from the bottom. You got it. But now once it won't, won't it just blow out the top? How do you get the rest of the gutter? Cause you just work it back and forth and it blows all over the place. But not in the gutter.

[A]

The trap being the thing that goes underneath the sink. The U shaped pipe. And that's. So you kind of hook it over there and it blows it and you blow everything away.

[B]

What trap are we talking about? That's the U piece of U.

[A]

The pipe.

[B]

The pipe on the gutters? No, at the end of the abs. You put a trap on.

[A]

It's like an extension on the end.

[B]

Of the pipe on the end of the abs, right? Yeah. So it curves up and you blow up through the downspout. Yeah, exactly. No, Adam, I don't know. I need a fucking dry erase board. You have a 10ft, 10 foot piece of pipe. PVC ABS. PVC, doesn't matter. Right. You put a trap at the end of it. Right, Right. Because that's a U, essentially. And then you blow it out. Oh, okay. Now I got it. All right. I thought we were blowing up. All right, I should have seen that. So you extend. You extend your leaf blower to blow it out so you don't get up on the ladder. Right? Yeah. Joel McHale's dad hurt himself horribly doing this. Like, literally shattered his pelvis. You think it's sort of funny, but the rally is guys fall off ladders all the time doing stupid shit.

[A]

My dad did that years ago. Fell off a ladder, fell onto the ladder, broke several ribs in his wrist.

[B]

So we extend your leaf blower. Exactly. And we do the half hook thing. Ray, I like this one. Do you? Yes. That makes me happy. Give it a four and a half.

[C]

I have a similar question for how to deal with something high up. So we live on the second floor, and there's this circular window that's too far away to reach, but there's all these moths and cobwebs and things that collect in it. How would we clean that out? Something like on the inside. But it's where the stairway is.

[B]

I say you get the vacuum. You can do the swifter thing, you can just do a 90 vacuum with the 90 and the long extension thing on there. Okay, Adam's already got you. That's me. Look at that. Outro, baby. Okay. Hey. Thank you. MaximaStyle.com use coupon code Adam for additional savings.

[C]

Thanks for the tip.

[B]

So you want me to hang out, right? Yeah. Yeah. All right. You can see Ray or hear Ray on our podcast, Ace on the House. New episodes available every Saturday on itunes. And check him out at rayoldhoffer. Shoot him a tweet. Website Aceontheroof.com Richard Lewis, comedian extraordinaire, Richard Lewis in studio. Next. Welcome back to the Adam Carolla show. Here's what not to watch on TV tonight at 6 on Esquire TV, don't watch the A Team. A former political advisor's deal to trade a diary for a A team arranged reunion with his daughter takes on new meaning when Murdoch learns the man may be face's father. At 7:30 on FYI, be sure to.

[D]

Miss cereal history in a bowl.

[B]

A healthy helping of cereal history explores the roots of the American breakfast staple, beginning with the cultivation of grains. And at 9:30 on DFH, definitely don't watch. I'm pregnant.

[D]

And a stripper.

[B]

A stripper is sidelined by her pregnancy and she will need to get back in shape to support her family. That's what not to watch on TV tonight. Now back to the show. Richard Lewis in studio. Richard, are you with me? I feel this way with news. Yeah. We invented too many channels before we decided what we were gonna put on them.

[E]

I'm hip.

[B]

Yeah. And that's why, like a nothing news story. You, I don't know. Anthony Weiner, on a slow news cycle can fill up three weeks and 37 channels of news. I feel the same way with just programming in general. Like, we should have added a channel every time. We had 10 good programs, not added 100 fucking channels. Then went, what are we gonna put on here? How about a Kardashians marathon? Like, we got nothing.

[A]

18 reruns.

[E]

But what about the shit that gets 30 million people watching and we go, what the is this all about? Maybe we're in a minority, man.

[B]

You know what? I agree with you. That gives. It's like seeing the fucking poor guy, the poor toothless guy standing there holding the big lottery check. It gives hope to every other fucking jack off out there that shouldn't be buying a lottery ticket. Every time you see Honey Boo Boo or Duck Dynasty, there's some jackass sitting in a double Wide going, I got an idea. And it's. It's horrible. But when you were growing up. When I was growing up, you'd watch TV and you'd go, well, that's just fucking gun smoke or Mannix or something like, I'm not that guy. Look at that guy. Young Clint Eastwood. No way. Michael Landon. No, I'm not TV material. Now you turn on the fucking TV and you go, look at that fat fuck. I could do that. Yeah.

[E]

I mean, it shows for everything. Like you were just telling. I mean, those are old, crazy fucking shows. But, you know, now there's just. Look, you're at the top of the heap on this. On this kind of venue. But dig, I mean, I was doing. I do a lot of friends favors. Favors for friends, sure. So, you know, they said, look, do me a favor, you know, you know my test. I lost the testicle. And I have a podcast. I go, fine, when the fuck is it? Blah, blah, blah. So, I mean, I have done. I would say about 100. You know, none of them have anything. I mean, you're the top of the heap. Congratulations. But I mean, some of these have. I said, how many people listen to this shit? They said, we have a guy going out door to door, figuring, you know, that kind of stuff. But I'm telling you, some of them have been. I mean, I'm using hyperbole, but it's close. What's the name of the podcast again? Hurry, before we go on the air. And he says, well, my uncle lost his tongue in a blender. It's called Without Tongues. So we have a couple people from the fucking hospital, and I have to talk people.

[B]

How about the ones that aren't even pitched as a podcast? How about the ones where they go, you're playing the Tempe improv, right? You gotta call into this dude. This guy. This guy's got a great radio program. He gets a big audience. You're gonna move a lot of tickets over in Tempe. And then you realize probably about minute 26 of the interview, where he's like, oh, yeah, Obama can suck my cock. You're like, what kind of radio show is this? And then you hear, mom, more casserole. And you're like, what are we doing? Is this a real show? Because now we can't. I can't tell, because your manager, publicist or whatever, they just give you a bunch of numbers. Call in, we're slow. And Tempe, we gotta put some fannies in some seats. They call these guys, and you realize 20 minutes in, you have no idea what show this is.

[E]

Hey, you know this. But as much as I, I've been doing this for 45 years when I did some of those clubs, every now and then I just try to pick and choose. I deserve it at this point, at my age. But the truth is there's always. They always, even if they're sold out, we're having a problem, you know, because they just wanted to promote their fucking venue, right? So one, I once had a. You know, I was in a weak state and they made me cut a ribbon at a motorcycle race. And I didn't have the balls. I was just too weak. I had the flu. I said, all right, just take me to the place. And I was there. There was a couple of Klansmen greeted me. It was like in the fucking, in the South. It's no good, you got to just say no. But they make you feel like wheel.

[B]

To wheel motorcycle racing. You think Richard Lewis.

[E]

I'm not Mr. NASCAR. I Mr. NASCAR. So I mean, that's promoting thing. That's a whole other area. You know how they use us.

[B]

I will tell you, he has a two disc box set bundle of nerves.

[E]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[B]

Always been a Richard Lewis fan. Love you on Curb youb Enthusiasm. Remember just watching one of your specials way back in the day and you know how the mind works. There's just the jokes that just sort of stand out to you and they're jokes that you might not even remember. But there was a joke when I was watching Richard's Stand Up Special. And again, back in the day, it was one of those get the VHS tapes, share it, pass it around. I think the joke was Richard was walking down the street and a cop got on the PA system that was in his police cruiser and he was telling other people to pull over, not to jaywalk. But he passed Richard and he said, stop blaming your parents, you're blaming your childhood. And it always made me laugh.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

Now, is that something that you even remember? Yeah, I do.

[E]

I remember that I, you know, I remember it was in a. I'm in pain special back in about 30 years ago. But it was a joke that I, you know, some of the jokes we come up with that we love, you know, I remember like 10 or 12 that I really dig.

[B]

How, how did you get started? Where did you get started?

[E]

I got started in, in New York in the early 70s and broke, graduated Ohio State, came out. My father died, everyone, my family was all dispersed and I had nothing to do except go on stage.

[B]

What was the original plan? I mean, you didn't go. You didn't become a Buckeye to pursue comedy?

[E]

No, I lied to my father. I said I was. He bought this shit. I said, I'm going to be a dentist. So throughout the end of high school, he told people, richard's going to be a dentist. It was all bullshit. Keep him off my back. I went there. They didn't really ask me what courses I was taking that I was in.

[B]

Pre med.

[E]

They didn't give a shit. So I dug advertising because I thought it was sort of creative. Making a couple of Volkswagen ads. I had no clue. But I went in there and then I realized. And then I came out. I started writing jokes for old comics and it was a nightmare. I say old comics, they weren't that old then, but they didn't like anything I wrote. Hundreds and thousands. And they gave back 999, the only ones they used. The ones they gave back were all personal, all about me. And then finally my father died and then I went on stage in two months and I figured, wait a minute, all this shit is about me? No wonder they don't look like it. So I went on and just talked about myself. And, you know, I sometimes feel like a hoax about it because I am just talking about myself. And, you know, fortunately some of it gets, you know, gets laughed. So it's like I still feel it's surreal after 44 years. I mean, I'm just really talking about my feelings and try to spin it into some kind of comedy shit.

[B]

Where do you think we're at as somebody, if you could treat the stand up game, for lack of a better term, as like a stock market. We all remember how it was going berserk in the mid-80s and how every delicatessen had a comedy night and they were just literally doing comedies at AIDS hospices. Any place that had a roof on it and could hold 30 people was comedy, comedy, comedy. So everyone would say, all right, well, the zenith would be 1989 or something like that. Where are we now in terms of. Where would you put us from? I don't know, the 50s, when it was starting to come on, to the 80s, when it was every comedian got a show thrown at him and a development deal and a holding deal and all that. Where are we now?

[E]

I think it's really harder now. I mean, would you pass any of these clubs in Hollywood from open mic night? It looks like a breadline. I mean, it's around the block, you know, it's many more People than when I started, it was a handful of comics, maybe like 30 or 40, right? And I hate to judge everyone else, but it was like 10 or 15. I got spots all the time. Everybody else didn't. That's because there were few comics to compete with. But now and then in the 80s, it was a fucking motherfucker to get. It was so competitive back then for most people, you know. But now, I mean, I don't go to the clubs much at all. I don't like to listen to other material. That's one of them. That's the primary reason. Plus, who wants to go into a club if you're not working? At least after all these decades? But it seems now that it's more competitive than ever because it's. So to really find your niche now, you got to really have more balls than in the past because there's so many people and so many outlets, and you got to. Even if you have a great, like, web, webisode, whatever they're fucking called, you better be.

[B]

What is it called? I don't know either. Everyone makes fun of me.

[E]

I mean, I get so many calls. Listen, can you play the voice of a Jewish fish? And it's only an hour. How. I don't want to. I don't even know. Where is it?

[B]

Little gefilte.

[E]

Yeah, where is it? You gotta. Can you fly to Dayton? My father, you know, I can't do this shit anymore.

[B]

How many.

[E]

I didn't ask you the question.

[B]

How many dates a year do you think you do now?

[E]

Whenever I want, I know I'm doing it. You know, I did Carnegie Hall. Just perspective. It's not a boast in 89. So when I walked off that stage, I went, all right, this is the epitome. It's like 25 years ago, I said, I'm just going to pick and choose. So I went on tour when I had specials, and I really wanted to be, you know, you know, cooking and ready for the fucking HBO shows. But otherwise, I just, you know, you can't. You don't know. You were alluding to this before. When you go on the road, no matter where you're at in this business, unless you're, like, in the top one percentile, the agent calls you. They think they know what's going to happen when you land, there's no car, the hotel is fucked up. Particularly, you know, I mean, you must have had corporate gigs. I mean, I got to just jump to that, man, because that is the most frightening. You always hear it, you know, Maybe if you're not in the business, you think, who the fuck cares? Trust me, you know, if you. I went, I did a gig two years ago. I thought it was like going to be in a little room. It was in a gigantic, like almost three football fields in the Museum of Natural History with dinosaurs all around. It was a dinosaur exhibit with 500 drunk bankers not facing me during the World Series screaming, what's the score?

[B]

The one thing about the corporate gig I found out is, you know, nothing going into it. And then at some point, your 12 minutes you were supposed to do involves you staying up on stage because there's a presentation and a raffle and then they give you a list of 22 people they'd like you to bring on up and do. There's going to be a small slideshow. And before you know, and it's a little bit of, we got you here, we got your check, you're not going anywhere. Stick few more things for you to do before slavery. But wait, you walked. How did that happen?

[E]

I said to the guy, there was a young comic going on before me and people were talking over him. The only sound system was one. What do they call those little speakers that guitar players using a pig meets? Or pig, I don't know what the.

[C]

Pig nose.

[E]

Yeah, he's a smart guy. Yeah, pig nose in this three size football field room. So he was going, you couldn't hear him. So I was watching this. I told one of the bankers who was plowed. Anyway, I said, let me tell you something. You want me to do 45 minutes? I'm not doing 45 minutes. I'm lucky. You're lucky I'm even going on. I said, I'm going to get off when I want to get off. And I got off when I wanted to get off. When they started, they weren't facing me. I mean, it was, but it was a huge paycheck. So sometimes I go to these gigs and I see the venue. I go, this is fucked. It's not the agent's fault. They don't really know, but they don't really care either. Most of them, this guy does. But usually they didn't care. So I usually, I say, you have the check? You know, I'm going to bolt right after the gig, man, just give me the check. And he's holding it. I said, no, I'll hold it.

[B]

I said, no, let me have it. I'll put it in my pocket. We're going in. No, no, I'll hold it.

[E]

And he's waving it on my fucking nose like a neo Nazi, you know, torturing me. I said, let me just put it in my fucking wallet because I don't need a drive, right? I'm going to zoom out of this and get a fucking. I have a car waiting. You know, I have. And he's showing me the fucking check. You know, they really torture. It's like a power trip, you know.

[B]

What. What do you look forward to least in terms of gigs? I mean, where don't you want to go? Well, we all have our spots where we go.

[E]

Well, you know, I've been on. I've been, you know, I've been fortunate to be around a long time. So even in the craziest cities, you know, the Deep south, for example, which is not bad unless, you know, but, you know, it's not New York would be better, say, than Mobile, for example, but I have fans everywhere. But it doesn't, you know, I might not play a huge venue, you know, in some cities, like Utah. I played Utah. I had to play it. Did you ever play Utah?

[B]

Yes, played Utah. Played a place. There's nothing.

[E]

Well, tell me your story.

[B]

Well, there's nothing more depressing. I don't know why, you know, I say all the time, you know, when you see a place that was clearly an ihop, but now they do tax preparation and it's something a little depressing because there's a few. A new business inside a failed business. You can tell by the clear architecture there's a giant donut on the roof, but they're morgue or funeral home now or something. You know, there's a lot of that. Doing comedy in places that were formerly Denny's or formerly, you know, a colony kitchen or something like low ceilings. The kitchen is clearly. This was not put here. There's nothing better than playing a club that was a club, was always a club, was supposed to be dedicated. The history, the history of it. It almost has it in the bones versus the place with the acoustic tile and the aluminum doors.

[E]

No pictures of comics.

[B]

We love pictures of the Messiah or something. Pizza with this stuffed cheese. Oh, yeah.

[E]

They still have remnants of the rest of them.

[B]

No, in Kirkland, Washington, it was a Pizza Hut and now they're doing comedy. And in Utah there was a strip mall and the place was something else. And now they're doing comedy. And you just walk into it and go, comedy is not supposed to be done here. It was built. This was built to serve pancakes, not to have jokes be told. And the first thing you do is climb up on stage and your head touches the ceiling because it's not made for people to be standing on the chairs. It's a fucking restaurant.

[E]

I bet when they put, when it's a new club that's also a fucking nightmare. Hey, thanks for opening this joint for us. And I said, where are the seats, man? Well, we're put bridge chairs. And then, you know, it's a fucking horror show. And I was in Utah. It was a new venue. I don't know what it was, but it was. They were trying to fit a comedy club to exactly what you were saying. It wasn't a restaurant. I think it was a penitentiary. It was a crazy fucking venue.

[B]

Utah is one of those places, depending on where you go, where you can just go outside your hotel room room at noon on a Saturday and not go, what day is it? What year is it? Like it does not feel like 2014. Just there's a, in kind of a Mayberry way, like you can go to the greasy spoon, the chick who's the waitress calls you hun. You know, it's like a Twilight Zone.

[E]

Yeah, I mean they're nice, but they're not. It's not a comedy, it's not like Chicago. And it's not crazy. Although dig this. I do this club, whatever they wanted to call it, it was nice people. But this guy walks in, this is about four years ago and I didn't go back, but the guy walks in with a 9 year old. Looked like. He looked like the guy from the Shining. The kid on the bicycle, right? He sits right in the front. And you know, I, you know, I have an R rated act or provocative, whatever the fuck I do. And I said, do me a favor, let me buy him a toy or you know, you know something, I know you don't drink, but you know, buy you a drink if you want to leave the religion. I don't care, whatever you want, let me just treat you to dinner. I can't. He said, no, my son, I want my son to experience you. That's very flattering. And meanwhile, I still have to do my hour and I'm talking to this guy because I just couldn't bear talking about, you know, intercourse.

[B]

When a Jew buys a kid a kid's drink, it should be like a Shirley Temple. Beth Shalom.

[E]

Yeah, but this was a Mormon cat.

[B]

Oh, it's not going to work then.

[E]

No. So I said, so I jumped right out of the gate and went. So, you know, I don't. I said word pussy, but with an affectionate, you Know, slant. So I had to walk over to the kid, you know, the guy from the Kubrick film. I went, you know, pussy in Yiddish means salt of the lake. So I had to do different words for the. Turned out like a three hour fluggage. I'm not kidding. It was a sort of a trippy show, but it was no good because they had no idea that kids can't. And the people, they always say. I said, what are you going to do if someone's fucking really hammered and loaded and, you know, or it's psychotic, or they throw a rock at me? They said, oh, we have big guys come. They almost never take anybody fucking out. Have you experienced people really dragging people out?

[B]

No, I have found, like at Cobbs.

[E]

Well, that's a cool joint.

[B]

Yeah, Cobbs is good. In San Francisco, when they drag the chick out, they let her basically say her piece. They never did anything. And like, eventually I just said, would you go get this cunt in a headlock and get her the fuck out of here? And then after the show, you know, cops, you walk up those steep stairs, you go up there, you sit up in that room. Next thing you know, she just walked up the stairs and was standing in the room. And then they had to get her out again. And then later on, I believe she bit a bouncer on the calf muscle out on the sidewalk and then almost got run over by a cop car. And then I got this one from her boyfriend. They just arrested my girlfriend for no reason. And I always. I have this conversation with a lot of people, which is, tell it to anyone else on the planet but me, you know? Don't you feel like you have those conversations where people try to tell you shit and you go, there are billions of people on this planet where you could go up to them and go, hey, man, we went to see Adam Carolla over at cos. Me and my girlfriend were sitting there having a Pepsi Free, Mind our own business. Next thing you know, the popo comes in and they might believe it, but don't tell the guy who was up on stage, well, you're jacked out of her mind. Girlfriend was screaming at me for 40 minutes. The bouncer got her in a headlock. They fucking tussled out on the sidewalk. She bit him on the calf muscle and then ran out in the street and almost got run over by cop car and then started throwing punches. Don't try it on me. There's really only three or four people on the planet who are. Go find the other 7 billion people. Go to China and talk to people. I'm the one guy you cannot sell this story to. It is weird, right?

[E]

They feel they have a license once they're in there to do whatever the fuck they.

[B]

And by the way, you gotta feel.

[C]

I think that just shows what a hero you are to them because they just think that you'll take their side.

[B]

I do feel like it would hurt Cobbs business if random members of San Francisco's finest just marched into their showroom and arrested random women, don't you think, who were just sitting there enjoying a show.

[C]

I feel like word would get around.

[B]

Yeah, we're not good for the reputation.

[A]

The good.

[E]

What was the hardest? What was the scariest stuff you did? Because I used to open up for big acts. 10,000 people. It was a fucking horror show for me.

[B]

And I've never had. There's nothing worse. Look, I've said a million times, going out in front of your crowd is great. Going out in front of random crowd, bad. And sadly, you get roped into benefits and benefits. First off, they're mourning the loss of their youngest son from scleroderma. And you're supposed to come in there and fucking cheer up. The room number two. You have two 80 year old. It's an 80 year old couple and they're sitting in the front row with their arms folded. They're not there to see you. They're there for some free food. And they paid 25 bucks a seat.

[E]

And it should be a singer. A singer would. Even the worst singer would do better than us in that case.

[B]

Right?

[E]

Generally, right? I mean, what are you gonna say? You know, these old elderly, just go.

[B]

Up there and cover a couple fucking Janice Ian songs and get the fuck off stage.

[E]

As opposed to, you know, I kid about masturbation, but, you know, how are you? How's the kid? Is he dying yet? It's a nightmare.

[B]

And they always take the two oldest people with the biggest sour pusses and they plant them front and center and they just sit there and. And by the way, when they're old, it's a combination between being hard of hearing and not giving a fuck. Because you'll be in the middle of the set and you'll hear, he's not funny, is he? And it's like, I know they're hard of hearing, but they also must know. There's just a point where you're 82 and you're like, who gives a fuck? Like, it's. I'm gonna wear pajamas to the 7 11. Because I just don't give a fuck anymore. But sadly for the performers, the benefits are probably the toughest, right?

[E]

Probably. Unless it's a huge crowd and you have playing like I used to play. I opened for Sonny and Cher when I was like 25.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Every other night, 10,000. I mean, I'm talking like Madison Square Garden venues.

[B]

How was that a nightmare?

[E]

A fucking nightmare? Somehow I did our. A couple little examples. I played this Allentown State Fair and I brought a friend of mine. You know, you probably have people that all your life have dug you and. And you just jam with them, you know, Is that funny? You think that's funny? I'll do that tonight. Blah, blah, blah. I'll do that on Letterman. I'll do that on. So I had a guy coming around with me. It was a lot of fun. He'd go on the road with me on occasion. So I'm standing on a outside at 4 o'.

[B]

Clock.

[E]

I had a 4 o' clock and an 8 o' clock show. It's bright lights, you know, it's at suntime. And there was a roller coaster behind the stage, people going out right behind me. And there was a race track in front of me. And the grandstand had 10,000 people a quarter of a mile away. And I had to do a half hour. And my friend's behind this huge speaker, he goes, what the. Your career's gonna. It's over. So I went on, you know, of course I was bombing. And I did four minutes. I went, it's over. I'm fucked. So I ran. I said I had to come back at 8 o'.

[B]

Clock.

[E]

I was petrified. So I ran to the back and I said to my friend John, I'm over. It's over. So one guy says, hey, you were funny. I wasn't funny. I did five minutes.

[B]

It's over.

[E]

He says, no, no. Last year, Bill Cosby did 12 minutes. Wait a minute. Yeah, he's supposed to do an hour. He did 12 minutes.

[B]

Whoa.

[E]

So I came back that night and here's the thing. I learned about it. When I came back at 8 o', clock, it was pitch dark and it was a floodlight on whatever. Spotlight, spotlight.

[B]

Thank you.

[E]

And that made a huge difference because they didn't see the roller coaster. They didn't see the circus acts being paraded around. Camels with no humps and that shit. So I did okay. But then I got drunk one night, I was in Connecticut, the Hartford Civic Center. And I went to the back where they have, like, restaurants behind the glass, which is like the early 70s. I said, what are you people here for? He says, we're here to watch Sonny and Cher. And I said to myself and the comedian, holy. I mean, it was a mile away. So I got drunk, I had a horrible show. And Sonny Bono, rest his soul, man. He said, you were loaded on. I said, yeah, I was. So he says, well, tomorrow night, you know, try not to be. I had to be in Montreal in the Forum. I said, how did I get myself into this fucking thing?

[B]

How did you get yourself hooked up with Sonny Cher?

[E]

Because, well, I did their show. Because I did. I just. I thought it was that back in those days it was a big deal to do that.

[B]

How did you get hooked up with Sonn? Because I did. Well, there you go. Where's my steno pad? That explains everyone. I needed to pull apology. Should I just do? You should. Yeah.

[E]

I thought it was going to be cool if I did.

[B]

Well, no, I agree, but it's.

[C]

It's not.

[B]

Why?

[C]

It's just.

[B]

How? Yes, How?

[E]

Because David Brenner used to open for them. Then he stopped and he says, Sonny Bono liked me. So I opened for them for the summer.

[B]

How was Sonny?

[E]

Great, because when he got divorced, I opened for him when he went around alone and, you know, a lot of.

[B]

These singing, I got me, babe.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's staring at his cock.

[A]

I don't got you, babe.

[E]

Well, it was okay, man. But I mean, James Darren, all these big guys, James Darren said, made me laugh. I teased him about it. He said, you know, I don't do any of this Gidget shit. He said, I don't care, you know, I go on. So we're at the Playboy Club in Wisconsin somewhere. I remember the song. I did my set did pretty well. I go in the back to see the headliners show. Once, you know, he comes out a screen. This happened to all these kind of acts. Generally a screen would come down and it was 20 minutes of Gidget. Hey, all the movies. I said, what the fuck, man?

[B]

Well, every one of these people, they do it's the, you know, Bob Denver at the boat show. Hey, little buddy. It's like they leave the show that. That got them notoriety. They do the. I'm tired of being typecasted as Cindy Brady or hey, little buddy. Or the Skipper Gidget or, you know, whatever it is. No more. Then they take about 20 years of not really working. And then at some point, Bob Denver goes, gives me the fucking red hat and shirt. I'm getting the belt, I'm getting the white Hat and the shirt. I'm going back to the boat show like they. Now, Johnny Depp doesn't go, hey, man, 21 Jump Street. I want. No, they. They go out and they try to do what they try to do. They realize maybe they don't have the talent to pull it off. And then they magically embrace all. You'll see it with all the Partridge Family, Brady Bunches and all that kind of stuff. It all starts off with, hey, I'm doing my own thing. I'm a big boy now. And then it gets back to all the reunions and all the shit after that.

[E]

But I remember Darren killed all the chicks were going fucking nuts. But it was funny at least that opening night.

[B]

So, Bob. I mean. I mean, James Darren. James Darren. Was he on James Darren? Well, wait a minute. Hold on. No, there's Bobby Darren.

[E]

There's James and Bobby Darren.

[B]

He was on Gidget. And then one of them also played a cop on another Darren. Oh, shit. Which one played the cop on Chips? That's a different one. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you about Reverie Bed, and then we'll figure it out. Ah, Reverie Bed. You gotta love these guys. It's not a bed. Don't call it a bed. It's a sleep system. Little Natalia fell asleep on my side the other night. Just put the vibrating setting on. It's just nothing.

[A]

Can't get her hooked.

[B]

She's on. I'm gonna have to send her some kind of rehab center to get off it. You got an open cot, literally, a cot that doesn't vibrate. This has changed my life. It is a bed. It reclines. It lifts. You can go into zero gravity mode where it lifts your knees up. It's a very cruel joke that everyone will tell you. Oh, no, you're much healthier when your knees are higher than your heart. Thanks, God. Thanks for making us walk around 90% of the time. Upright. No, eight, eight, eight, eight eight eight. It's not Larry Wilcox. Come on. I know Larry Wilcox. 888-888-5990. Visit sleeplikeadam.com Just change your life. Change your life. You can try it out for free for 101 nights. No risk trial. If you don't like it, send it back. I just. I need to do 20 minutes on this and I can't. It's just Reverie Bed. It's changed my life. Triple eight, triple eight. 59, 90. All right, keep going. No, I were looking for the guy. No, the guy was. I Don't know.

[E]

We're talking about that cop.

[B]

Yeah, he was. He was a. It was a pop star or something. I don't know. We'll get to it. Anyway, should we do a little news with Allison Rosen? Beautiful. The news with Allison Rosen. She read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. And when it's time to wrap it.

[D]

Up, she'll sign it off with.

[B]

Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison. Now we're getting deep into the chips Cast. Jesus Christ.

[A]

Oh, you think he was on chips?

[B]

No, now I got it. Sorry. T.J. miller. Same show with a toupee. Basically took Poncha's hair and they put it on T.J. hooker.

[A]

T.J. miller's hilarious.

[B]

Sorry, T.J. what did I say? T.J. miller. Yeah. T.J. hooker. Brains, right? T.J. hooker. That's right. The greatest thing about T.J. hooker was Adrian's med. Ann Shatner's hair. It's like that's. That pass muster for LAPD circa 1979. Like, shoot a huge quas of air. Where were we? Look, I'm just saying, if you're gonna go through all the trouble of driving a police car and wearing the uniform and wearing all the other shit, why not go whole hog with the hair? James Darren. He was on T.J. hooker.

[C]

He was also the Gidget guy.

[B]

And was also the Gidget guy before. For a while. All right. Now we can all sleep. Sound like you.

[C]

I thought there was a third Darren.

[B]

Oh, no. There's a Bobby Darin and a James Darin. But James was on Gidget. But James Sung.

[E]

Big singer.

[B]

Big singer. Thank you. Now I can sleep tonight. Sorry. Where were we?

[C]

Joan Rivers Update. So she's been moved out of intensive care and into a private hospital room. Her daughter didn't indicate if the change was a result of an improved medical condition or not.

[B]

They should do a press conference where they went, we've moved her. Moved her out of intensive care. And everyone started clapping. Hold on. Into a casket. Sorry. Probably shouldn't have worded it that way.

[E]

Big fan, huh?

[B]

I like Joe Rivers.

[C]

You're a big fan.

[B]

Actually, I do. Cause she's first off, she's 81 with a crazy motor. She has huge balls and she's funny for 60 years.

[E]

It's insane.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[C]

I just don't know what this means.

[B]

I don't either.

[E]

I got the same feeling.

[C]

What the fuck's going on right now? Adam's dad was near death and Then it turned around and you said that he was on life support. Right.

[B]

My dad was as dead as they get. And he. And they literally called the priest and he got his last rites and he was flatlining and cardiac arrest and just a fucking mess. And now he's up and around and back to doing absolutely nothing.

[A]

Back to normal.

[B]

Back to normal.

[C]

And I imagine Larry Miller was on life support for a time.

[B]

Yeah, Larry Miller was. Was in bad shape, too. I went and visited him at his convalescent or the rehab center. He was in horrible shape. But I think there's a big difference between something happening to someone in their 80s versus 50s when it comes to this kind of trauma.

[E]

I'm sorry, what do you know about the thing? She was getting her vocal cords checked.

[C]

She was having throat surgery and she stopped breathing. And she was at a doctor's office where they were. So it was outpatient surgery. And then they rushed her to Mount Sinai and then she's been there ever since. And she was in a medically induced coma.

[B]

You know the. You know the part that we never listen to as it pertains to the doctors. Doctors always go, anytime they give you anesthesia and they put you under, there's always a risk. You know, we always go, yeah, just get the wisdom teeth out already. And I don't want to remember it. And they go, yeah, but every time we put you down, there's a risk you may not come back up. And we go, yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't really think about that. But yeah, they put you down and sometimes you don't come back up.

[C]

I have a worst case scenario, Dr. Father. So I grew up horrified. Like, I had my wisdom teeth out. I was awake for the whole thing. Anything that you can possibly be awake for, I've been awake for because I've been so afraid of anesthesia. Which in retrospect, wasn't. Isn't good though, because usually it's fine.

[B]

You know what? It's so fucked up. Richard, you may share this thought. I think I speak for myself on this. And maybe Richard, and kind of most people where you kind of go, well, they put you under and you don't wake up. Do you ever really even know?

[E]

You don't.

[C]

I literally had. Because, you know, I have to have fibroids removed and more sexy things and I have to be under for that. And I literally had that thought, I swear to God, like two hours ago. I thought, well, something happens, whatever, I won't know, right?

[B]

Like if somebody said, well, there's a big Arabian guy with a sword. He's gonna stand over your head, and there's only like a 1% chance he's gonna lop it off. You'd be like, no way. I will be fully awake through the whole wisdom tooth procedure. But there's something about slipping into that dream world that kind of makes you just go, oh, I do. If I don't come back, it's one less thing. Fucking. I'll never have to sit in traffic again.

[C]

But see, I think that's not to get super deep. Kind of the ultimate thing about death is that your own death isn't really a bummer to you. It's other people.

[E]

I don't know about that.

[B]

Well, I agree. It just depends. Thinking about it is, no, no. What we don't. Here's what we don't. Like, there's. There's the. You know, there's the. There's the cancer that goes on for a protracted period of time where you essentially know you're dying for a year. There's the shoot not opening where you know you're going to die, but that only lasts about a minute and a half. And then there's the complications after having a few adenoids removed or something, and that's the one you just slip into. And we don't have nearly as much. This is why I think. I think this is where the fear of flying comes in. It's not. Nobody has the fear of being put under anesthesia, though I'm sure many more people perish under flying full anesthesia than they do in commercial aircraft. The real fear of commercial aircraft is the possible 45 minutes. You know you're gonna die before shit happens. I mean, maybe it's five minutes, but it's a.

[C]

You should be anesthetized before flying at 35.

[B]

That's what the Chili's and the double margaritas for. But, yeah, the real fear of flying is all the fucking lead time. I mean, once in a while, the center tank just blows up and disintegrates. But the other times, geez, I can't.

[E]

Wait to go on the roadside.

[B]

Holy shit.

[E]

She says, death is great. You want to blow the plate out.

[C]

I didn't say it's great. It's worse for other people.

[E]

I know I have another take on the anesthesia. I'm a recovering drug addict, so I tell the guy, just let me feel it. Get high for a couple of seconds. And, you know, your father was a doctor. After 199, you're fucking out, right? One second, you can feel loaded.

[B]

Yeah. Tragedy, by the way. Can I just. I'm not an anesthesiologist. Would you let us go forward from 100? Do we have to go backwards all the time? You guys can't do the math of me conking out at 13. What's he been out, an hour and a half? Let me go forward. I think it's pretty standard, by the way, in the world. In the sport where people get knocked out frequently, which is boxing, they don't go 10 to 1, which they should do. You're unconscious. They go from 1 to 10. Let us go from 1 to 10.

[A]

Standard NFL concussion procedures.

[B]

Also the backwards part, I always find myself struggling a little with it, you know what I mean? Like 199. Like I'm up in my head. I don't want to be up. My head. Just let me.

[C]

Yeah, it shouldn't be a test, right?

[B]

No one ever says test that microphone. Count from 100 backwards for me. Would you have. It's all 1 to 10. Just give us 1 to 10.

[E]

I feel the same way when I go to the eye doctor and I can't. I have a bad. I'm nearsighted. The left eye, if I cover my right eye, it's fuzzy. You could look like you know anybody to me.

[B]

Right, right.

[E]

So he says, just read the fucking line. He doesn't say that. Read the line.

[B]

I go to really read the second.

[E]

Line and then read the third. The third line looks like a sperm. So I said, why are you making me do. It's just. I want to see. Why do you want to see? I don't know what the fuck it says. So I go. I get angry. I go, ru. Costello, your mother. Fuck you. And he goes, that's good, you're doing well. I'm not doing fucking well. I can't read the last line. I'm not. I storm out. That's how I got to a therapist in a hospital when I was 23. I had an audition for the shrink. And they were giving me all these standardized tests. Who's the UN ambassador? Who's this? I said. And I forgot I was under stress. I was having, like, a breakdown. So I said, I don't know, it's your mother. I did the same thing. And the doctor went out and I got into a hospital for a dollar an hour to see a shrink because he actually wrote that shit down. Who's the UN ambassador? Lou Costello.

[B]

Okay? Costello.

[E]

He thought I was a fucking schizophrenic.

[B]

And it was buck an hour.

[E]

Huh?

[B]

Yeah. Not bad.

[E]

When I was 23, a buck an hour with an Indian intern who was gorgeous, looked like Sid Arthur, who was. Wanted to make her right after the session, man.

[B]

Oh, yes. Great stuff again. All right, well, she'll be missed.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

But what about the news?

[C]

She's still alive.

[B]

Oh, right now, I miss her contributions.

[C]

Yes. Okay. There's an albino monocled cobra, very dangerous snake, on the loose in LA in Southin, California. Yes. We're looking at a photo of him right now. You can see.

[B]

Good name for your junk. Oh, wow. Rachel. Corolla.com paying visits. This Cobra spits a little, so watch it.

[C]

He was. He bit a dog in Thousand Oaks. Apparently, he was around someone's neck, and then the dog owner went to. Wait, no, that doesn't. I don't. He. Someone took a photo of the snake, and that's what caused the snake to freak out, Apparently. But anyway, here's my favorite part of the story.

[B]

Like Kanye. Yeah.

[C]

My favorite part of the story. They were talking about it on the radio, and they. They brought on international steak handler Jules Sylvester.

[B]

Oh, so that's good.

[C]

Jules Dash has a snake handler.

[E]

I don't know what that means. Oh, a snake handler. So it's steak handler.

[B]

Yeah. The barbecue king. She misspoke. But I did the context math because I'm staring at a. Yeah, I forgot.

[E]

You had a screen here.

[B]

Yeah. I think these guys. I think when you handle snakes, you can just say international. It's like Jewel thievery. No one goes, I work the Glendale Burbank area. I wouldn't call myself international. I'll wander into Reseda every once in a while if there's a nice tennis bracelet. No one ever goes tell us the parts. You work the snakes. These. I. By the way, as you know, my dog Molly was bitten by a huge rattlesnake.

[E]

So is it a rescue dog?

[B]

No. Well, yeah, we rescued her from the family who paid full fare for her in Chicago, who did not want a dog anymore, and she got bit right on the snout with a big old rattlesnake up in the Hollywood Hills. But in a land of rules where, you know, there's no smoking at the park or on the beach, maybe the people having the cobras.

[C]

This cobra actually is illegal to own.

[B]

Oh, okay, good. Hence, it's not being here, but it's on the loose.

[C]

Yeah, on the loose. So if you see it, call 91 1-MM.

[B]

All right. And we'll get Jewel, International snake handler, Jewel Sylvester. Yeah.

[C]

That can't be A real name, right? I mean, I think it is, but.

[B]

All I know about these guys is anything but a normal haircut. It's ponytail pulled through the back of the ball cap. It's, you know, dressed like an extra from Doctari. You know, like there's something going on with these guys. Hair. Yeah, sorry.

[C]

Did you hear about Wes Welker being suspended for four games due to amphetamine use? And I guess he took Molly cut with amphetamines. But the interesting thing is that he was suspended because they're saying it goes against the performance enhancing drug policy. But he didn't take it for performance enhancing purposes.

[B]

Well, why did he take it? Because he was concussed. Once again, no.

[C]

Molly is a recreational part drug.

[B]

Yeah, no, I know, but I know he was concussed. I know what Molly is, but. And I know he was concussed recently. And they were trying to figure out whether they were going to let him play because he'd been concussed. I don't know. For the fourth time in five years or three years. So. Impression. Have a verb with that.

[E]

It's unbelievable.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Can I use that at the party?

[B]

Concussed.

[E]

Yeah, he was concussed.

[B]

So he was concussed. And I didn't know. He seems like such a straight arrow that I didn't know if he was taking this to somehow help his lucidity or something to pass a test or what have you.

[C]

After getting the concussion, a different personality came out. Like Chaz on Charles in Charge. And that was coming out of my mouth at the Kentucky Derby. Which is where he was when he took it.

[B]

Yeah. Why? Well, anyway, he's fucking possession. Receivers trust him as far as you.

[A]

Can, looking for an edge.

[B]

Yeah. So what if he shot heroin and.

[E]

You say the same thing. I took it.

[B]

He got four. Here's the whole thing about the NFL. The NFL does. I agree with the performance enhancing part because it's an unfair advantage. The part where every single one of these guys smokes weed or drinks or does God knows what when they're not on the field. As long as you're not behind the wheel of your Denali, who gives a fuck? And they do that thing all the time. They go, well, this is the NFL. We have a reputation to have. You guys have more domestic violence and more illiteracy at the adult level and.

[A]

More turning a blind eye towards brain trauma.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it is funny though, that the more fucked up your organization, the more uptight you are. I remember doing Loveline all these years all the years I did Loveline, they would never let hockey players come on. If you think about it, they would never let like any of the members of the Kings come on or anything like that. But because they were so uptight about these guys image, they don't want him coming out there talking sex advice to teenagers. You have a sport that's basically about hitting either frozen ding dong or smashing other guys in the head constantly. Half the guys in your sport are missing most of their teeth. It's one big fucking. It's one big free for all. And you're worried about the image. Think about that. They don't. It's like sports like tennis and golf. Don't worry that much about their image. They don't give a fuck what their people do or their interviews or whatever it is. It's the sports that have all the criminals in it that overcompensate.

[A]

Why do you pick now to get sanctimonious?

[B]

Right. Your sport is huge. Men running into each other at high velocities that are very expendable. You go from leading the league, I mean, remember Jamal Lewis, one minute unstoppable, sets the single game rushing record 200 like 53 yards. An unstoppable beast to completely out of the league two and a half years later.

[A]

Yeah. Chris Johnson is going to be the next guy. 2000 yards two years ago and never really start next year.

[B]

Right. It's this thing where we pay guys huge sums of money to mortgage their future by destroying their joints and their brains as well and then get all sanctimonious when they're caught with a joint. It's us overcompensating. It's basically as a society, it's a little bit of a black eye in the sense that we take super poor people from the inner city. We take people whose parents, you know, single mom, nine kids, blah blah blah. We push them through some factory like Florida State or something where they don't even get an education. We pump them up, we shove them out on the field, we watch them kick the shit out of each other. They blow their knee out four years in and we forget their name. And then we get super caring about them doing drugs off the field. It's overcompensation for what they do.

[E]

You're right. And also when these guys, after they split, they're crippled, they can't even fucking walk and they don't give them any fucking bread to really help them. It's. It's unbelievable.

[B]

Yeah. And the NFL did with the brain Trauma stuff. The exact same thing the tobacco industry did with nicotine all those years in the 70s and 80s. Well, our scientists say it's not addictive. You know, suppress, suppress. They had this brain. They were dissecting these brains of NFL interior linemen, you know, 10 years ago. So seeing these black spots and stuff going, this looks like the brain. The guy, you know, killed himself at 41, but this looks like the brain of an 85 year old Alzheimer's patient. And the NFL doctors were like, no problem here. I mean, they really tried to cover that shit up. And by the way, whether it's nicotine being addicting or you smashing your head into another 300 pound guy several thousand times a year, over and over since Pop Warner, do we really need a scientist to do the math on repeated brain trauma?

[A]

It's amazing how many all of us just bought the NFL's.

[B]

Like, you know, I didn't.

[A]

I saw those special.

[B]

Well, yeah, I didn't care, but I saw those specials where they were slicing these brains into these segments and looking at them going, they're atrophied. Yeah, this is fucked up. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[C]

Back to the news. I'm Allison Rosen.

[B]

So that was the news with Allison Rosen. Anyway, I was talking about loving football. DraftKings, baby. Look, all that aside, I cannot wait for the season to start. Cannot. To me, it's a few phases. It's the football, but it's the food and it's the camaraderie. It's the weather and it's draft kings.

[E]

I'm not gonna eat liver after that fucking riff.

[B]

Fantasy football. And for a Jew to say that, that's a big deal.

[E]

Ladies and gentlemen, the third Jew reference in the last 30 minutes. What do we have for him?

[B]

Well, I think that was a great riff.

[E]

Great riff.

[B]

Thank you. DraftKings.com, america's favorite one week fantasy football site. You get your piece of the five million dollars. Five million bucks going to be awarded first week out. Ball.

[A]

Bryan, some guy tweeted me today and he said, hey man, I had my fantasy draft last night. I panicked. I took RG3 in the first round. Is that bad? And I was like, that's potentially catastrophic. But that's why DraftKings admitted you boned your draft. Big deal. Do DraftKings. New team every week.

[B]

By the way, I think RG3 bones you. I'm not sure if you can actually hold him down. He's very athletic.

[A]

He gets hurt a lot.

[B]

Well, now there's DraftKings.com Someone's going to win their share of 5 million bucks or a bunch of people are and someone won a million bucks in one day last season. Is DraftKings Dawson DraftKings.com bigger events, bigger winnings. Bigger are millionaires. Use promo code Adam and you'll get free entry into the week1.5 million dollar kickoff bash. Enter Adam for free entry now at DraftKings.com DraftKings.com all right, US in Ventura and San Antonio and Sacramento. We got Mangria going in Florida. And you can go to online, find out where we're going to be. Find out everything you need to [e-mail] also. Bundle of nerves. It's a box set. It's Richard Lewis. How can you go wrong? It's all there. I would suggest that you go to RichardLewisonline.com that's RichardLewisonline.com and you can find out not only about the box set, click through Amazon and pick it up. Do us a favor, get the box set, make everyone happy. But go to richardlewisonline.com and find out where he's gonna be near you.

[E]

Hey, thanks for having me. Or at the Richard Lewis and I can tweet some shit and that'll be that.

[B]

Yeah, give him a tweet. Thereichardlewis. So until next time, Zan from the Richard Lewis, the Allison Rosen and the bald Brian saying, Mahala, after you're done putting the coat of carnauba wax on my El Camino, I would prefer some oral foreign.

[A]

This is adam K Show 1403 with the late, great Richard Lewis. Rest in peace. Come next, we have Adam Cole Show 1426 with Lisa Lampanelli, Allison Rosen, and Brian bishop, also from 2014.

[B]

Good day, Allison Rosen. Hello, Adam, Carolla and bald Brian later.

[A]

Hosen at Creamy Goodness. Wanted that in honor of Oktoberfest and also wanted a little dudzeldorf for us. I can get one up.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, you got that one.

[A]

I don't have that one.

[B]

You don't have a dudel door. How do you not have a dudel. Let's, let's get three. Let's get three clean. I know you're having a little voice issue today. Yeah. Let's get a, you know, casual one. Sure. Let's get a enthusiastic one. You got a welcome to do and let's get a somber one. Okay. And if, you know, if you'd like to roll in with a wait, what was the first one Later, Hosen. If you want to roll in with a Later Hosen.

[A]

Thank you for visiting Dusseldorf.

[B]

So just the word, or do you want me to phrase it? I think thank you for visiting. Okay. Dudseldorf later housing. I thank you for visiting Dudeldorf later housing. That was casual. Yeah. Excited. Thank you for visiting Dudzeldorf Lederhosen. I don't want to. That was great. That was great. A little more. I'd say hit the lederhosen. Little as they're. You know, it's as if they're walking down the pathway. You're holding a stein. Gotcha. In a bong. Actually, a bong fancier work. A stein that can be used as a bong as long as you keep your finger over the carb. Okay. Or a bong that can be used as a stein as long as you keep your finger over the carb. And they're leaving and you're later huzzing. Okay. Okay. Thanks for visiting Dudeseldorf. Later, Hosen. There you go. I don't think I wouldn't mind a son.

[C]

I. I felt.

[B]

I think I'd like one. I think I'd like one where you had, like, a pet reindeer named Rocky. See, this is all stuff from my past that I can build on. And you had to put it down the night before. And you. You'll be damned if you're not gonna do your job. As one will throw. But your home heart's not in it. Thank you for visiting Dutledorf Later, Ozen. Wow. Wow. They say acting is hard. I really. I don't feel it's that difficult.

[A]

The throat clearing hiccup was really what brought it home.

[B]

You know, I just want to point out, in the spirit of Adam Carolla, not worrying about germs. I just grabbed this water that I believe has been sitting here for about four weeks, and I just used that to clear out the throat. Sweet.

[C]

The person who has a throat full of phlegm and is sniffling and clearly sick, talking about how he doesn't worry about germs, is not selling it for me.

[B]

I'm not sick. Yeah. I just don't have a voice.

[C]

Okay, well, then never mind.

[B]

We. Okay. I had it happen today. We were shooting. I tell everyone. Look, the reason I don't. I don't get sick for two reasons. A, I pollute myself with every germ I can find. And then, baby, as I've always said, just go ahead and give yourself a schedule where you cannot get sick. And you'll be surprised how little you get sick and. Or how it doesn't register. Like, as I think about it, ooh.

[A]

Like Jesse Ventura didn't have time to bleed.

[B]

That's right. If you want to know, the last time I was sick, the last time I was sick, honestly, was about the fourth or fifth day of shooting Road Hard. I. I think we started the first three days in a club, a windowless club that had sort of a sewage problem. After about 2 in the afternoon, it would start smelling of something would go on. There was backup. I was on stage doing, you know, like, eight hours of standup, 10 hours of standup every day for three days in a row. And by the time we got to the fourth day, I'd, like, blown myself out. I sort of blew my voice out. But I also was. I had something like. I was, you know, kind of, you know, like, that was for the remainder 10 days. For the next 10 days, I was sick. It's just. What are you gonna do? You got an indie film, you're in every scene. Just tell everyone, hey, I'm gonna take a few days off. Like, you would be so surprised when you remove the ability of you being sick. How. Not only, how often do you not get sick, but how it doesn't register. You think of sick days, but you don't think of days where you want in when you're sick, you don'. Those sick days, it just literally goes away.

[A]

I gotta try being too busy for cancer.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I just kicked that thing right out.

[B]

Indie film, baby. That never stops shooting. All right, remind me. And we got some baldiwood. I would like, make a note maybe for this show, maybe for tomorrow's show. Lisa Lampanelli's coming in. We got a full plate. But I would like an update. We get our periodical updates for you on the cancer and treatment and how it's going. I'm sure if there's something we need to know, you would tell us.

[A]

I will, but I mean, I would.

[B]

Christy will tell us, but the point is, is I still would like you to update us and. Or the listeners.

[A]

I'll make a couple notes and I'll talk about it tomorrow.

[B]

All right, very good. Don't forget, because I will. All right, couple things. We have the review I'm interested in that I got a little more on Bill Maher to do. I had a very interesting thought as I was examining my boy, girl, twins. Not physically, one of each. Emotionally. Yeah, it's kind of nice. I do feel like everyone should have a boy and a girl twin. And you'd Know a lot more about life and a lot more about the genders. And then you'd also know a lot more about the bullshit that gets spoon fed to you every day about, well, you know, little girls and little boys and their gender identification, blah, blah. They're a 1,000% difference, which is good, by the way. They're different good. You wouldn't want two of the same. Nobody's forcing them any direction. They just, he's a boy, she's a girl. They act very differently. Now, something that I was thinking about today, which is interesting because we've talked a lot about and it has been talked about a lot in the news. I famously got in a bunch of trouble for saying men were funnier than women. And there's a lot of discussion about why men. And then, then somebody said, well, dare you? You know, later on. Well, I was told to pick. I hate, I hate the tie or the non answer. They just, you know, you go, if.

[A]

You had to choose, well, well, I.

[B]

Mean, I would never make whatever, whatever the discussion is, you know, Brady or Peyton Manning.

[A]

I would never make that choice.

[B]

They're both great quarterbacks. That's the point. I don't need that from. I know it's tough. I know it's close. You're going to take some shit if you pick one or the other from one of the other groups.

[A]

Here's how you do it. Give me the quarterback thing again.

[B]

Peyton Manning or Tom Brady?

[A]

Drew Breeson.

[B]

There you go. That's what I should have said. I should have said aunt. All right. Anyway, I'm sort of examining my kids and seeing how they interact and blah, blah, blah. Now here's what I'm noticing. My daughter and her friends are much bigger hams than my son and his male friends. Now my son and his male friends, all they want to do is throw the football around and shoot basketballs and do all the stereotypical shit. Play with a remote control car, video games or something like that. My daughter and whoever her friends are, they want to make little dance steps and videotape it and do a jump rope thing and videotape it and make a song and do a thing with a thing. I mean, they're performing and the guys don't give a shit. They're not performing at all. They're in the backyard as far away as they can get from anyone and a camera and they're shooting hoops all day long or running in a circle. And if you go out, you went after them and told them, look, learn a dance, do it do us something. Let me film you. They'd be like, get the camera out of here. They'd be like Alec Baldwin with the paparazzi on the streets of Manhattan. That's how. Now, quiet. So I then thought about that, and I thought, well, then what happens later on? Like, where does this take in? And then I realize, aha. My son not interested in any pussy at this point in his life. At some point, it's gonna kick in, and when it kicks in, he's gonna want the spotlight to try to impress the girls. Ew. He's got it all. Yes, he does. No, he knows how to please in every detail. Well, he could do more than you ever imagined. Does it me? Oh, yes, he does. No, he. She is. I think the little girls definitely have the performance thing. They are working on their dance routines and practicing and choreography and filming. And it's. Again, it's not just Sonny, Natalia, because that's two different individuals. But. But it's all my daughter's friends and her. And it's all of my son's friends and him. But at some point, the one group is going to be trying to impress the other group so they can get into their pants, and that's when it's going to switch around. And I'd always sort of known that, but I never realized how different it was when everyone was seven or eight years old.

[C]

The thing that I think is unfortunate now you might disagree with this is that I think that when it switches. Because when the boys realize if they are performing, they'll get the attention of girls. It's around that time that girls, I think, realize if they want attention from boys, maybe. Don't be so hammy.

[B]

I think they do something else. They do something.

[C]

They act shy and demir and coy.

[B]

Well. Or they join the cheerleading squad or do something physical. You know what I'm saying? It's like, literally, they're doing a dance and we're talking about. But it goes right back into a sexual thing. Like, okay, girls who are extroverts, here's a cheerleading outfit. Get in a pyramid, move around. Get in a short skirt, kick your legs.

[C]

Don't be doing your impressions.

[B]

Right. Entice the guy physically. So the women start. And by the way, my daughter's already doing the choreographed dance, whatever, because she's probably seeing it or God knows what else. But the point is, now that everyone is 15, fellas, start taking a path where you're gonna be the class clown or whatever it is, and you're gonna start Getting attention that way, girls, you start cheerleading. You'll get the attention. Yeah, you'll get the attention that way. It's not. You know, I don't know if it's fair. I don't know what it is. It just is. That's what's gonna attract the. That's gonna track. I don't know. We should ask a young Lisa Lampanelli when she comes in, when she started and how that worked or if she was.

[A]

Because she's a little different than I would think. Most women who don't go into comedy, stand up comedy, let alone. If she was like that as a little girl, if she was, you know, the extrovert, choreographing dances or cheers or whatever. Like, it seems like most. I would assume most girls do.

[B]

We shall. We shall find out. All right, so I. Oh, where do I start? You know, Also had this funny conversation where I was sort of half listening to Sonny tonight. Oh, you're half.

[A]

It's up to half now.

[B]

Moved up from three eighths to half. Hey, started 5:16.

[A]

Okay. Let that progress.

[B]

Baby steps. This time next year be 5/8. So look out, world. Baby steps had this thing where it's like he said something, soccer and I could have beat Jensen, but something. But we didn't and blah, blah, blah. And I said, what do you mean we didn't? You were just playing Jensen and soccer. And he said, no, no, we're playing on. On the Wii. On the Wii. And then I realized, the fuck. He's playing a video game. Yeah, he's talking about beating his friend in soccer. But then we. Then I was like, oh. And then, yeah, here's how you look at it.

[A]

You should be encouraged because he's getting into something competitive.

[B]

This is a baby step for sitting on his ass.

[A]

At least it's competitive. At least he's playing against. It's a win or lose situation.

[B]

Listen, he runs his ass off and we have almost nightly soccer games, I'm sad to say, with mama and me, and girls against boys in the backyard.

[A]

Does someone win or lose?

[B]

Time of our life. Yeah, Sonny normally wins because he's kind of a pouter.

[A]

He pouts his way to victory.

[B]

He pouts his way to mvp. Most valuable powder. That's the kind of thing where it's like, I'll let him win because I don't want to hear about it. Otherwise he'll spin it around on me.

[A]

And at least the Wii is one of those things. You're standing up, you're active, you're Kicking, you're punching whatever you're doing. There's a silver lining here.

[B]

He'll be fine. He runs in circles for, you know, five hours a day. He's fine. We did get the email from his teacher today explaining what percentage he got on some history thing and then what percentage he was supposed to get when it. Could you imagine, as I was attempting to take a nap after catch a contractor today before coming in here, the discussion. Could you imagine if your teachers just had a direct email line to your parents? And it would be like, Alison only got a 29 on her history test, but then when she told her to bring it home and have you help with her, then she brought it back and she got a 34. Did you help her? Imagine just directing. My parents didn't know who my teachers were. Never spoke to them. We had a tacit agreement. Which was. Listen, old man, you don't want to go to Open House any fucking more than I want you not to go to Open House, right? I mean, you don't want to go there and be embarrassed, do you? Oh, great. Basically, nurture nature. Nurture. You fucked this one up royally, old man. Royally.

[A]

You guys are on the same page for that.

[B]

You don't want to go to this place at night and have the fucking scary old people explain to you what a fucking loser your son is. I sure as fuck don't want you dragging your Jew fro ass in there and having to get an earful of what a fucking loser I am. This is lose, lose, right? But we both can agree, quietly, quietly again. Like that scene in the town where they're robbing the bank and they're all in the minivan and they just looked at the cop, and the cop looked at them and they all had submachine guns, and the cop just slowly, just turned and looked away. That's what my parents did with my education. Just slowly look the other way. Slowly look. But I was like one of the guys in the van who robbed the bank going, okay, that's the deal you want to make? Fine. Could you imagine them going back and forth, instant messaging and things like that? Like real time, you know, later that evening, going home, sending you an email. No.

[A]

It blew my mind when my doctor, my oncologist gave me his cell phone number. Call me, text me, anytime. That was like five years ago. And it's like, like, oh, shit. Doctors do that now. Yeah, like doctors and teachers. It's a full, full access world.

[B]

Oh, I don't know. Don't you guys. You Guys kind of miss. Did you miss a world?

[A]

Chum calls.

[B]

I don't know. Wasn't part of school just going off somewhere without your parents and they didn't really know what was going on and you were just kind of there with your friends and whatever.

[C]

You'd just been warehoused for eight hours.

[B]

Yeah, you were this warehouse. But there's sense of autonomy in that warehouse. You can come back. So fucking weird that literally every assignment gets followed up on and there's just communication with everything, over everything, all the time.

[A]

I'm wondering what they're seven, seven, eight years old. What can an eight year old learn about history? It's pretty advanced.

[B]

They're going to grasp this is their town's history.

[A]

Local history. Super local.

[B]

This is what happened in this block last week. He's gonna get rich off of this knowledge one day. Knowing the Flintridge Lock and Yada Burbank area.

[C]

Hey, I put my knowledge about the missions to good use.

[B]

Yeah, it's gonna fucking parlay that to millions and millions of dollars. Yeah. Like when you know, knowing about Jeremiah and Hezekiah La Crescenta coming over Foothill Boulevard 200 years ago.

[A]

Jerome Flint Ridge.

[B]

That's right. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. All right. Audible.com leading provider of premium digital spoken audio information and entertainment on the Internet. I'm listening to Paul Newman. That's right. A life. Shawn Levy wrote that, baby. And you can purchase individual books or for real savings, you sign up for the Audible Listener program which gives you book credits every month for one low fee. Over 150,000 titles, every genre. You get the fiction and the history and the romance, the mystery, the thriller, sci fi. It's all there. Kid stuff, young adult, whatever you need. Audible.com you get a free audiobook and a 30 day trial today. That's right. Free book. And a free trial today. Just by signing up at my wife's listening to Rob Lowe's book, which I disapproved of initially. And then I thought, nah, alright.

[C]

Why do you disapprove?

[B]

Because there's. Part of me feels like it's just a waste of time. You just, you know, you're just listening to somebody else's thing. But then I realize there might be some. Some pearls of wisdom in there.

[D]

It's just a waste of my time.

[C]

I've heard it's really good.

[B]

I've decided not to hate Rob Logan just because he's beautiful. Mmm.

[C]

It's big of you.

[B]

Thank you. I figure, you know, I figured it is a weird thing that we do. We. We say we only do it to women. Oh, we discard them. We discount them because someone's really pretty, we don't think she can be funny or smart. But we do it just the same with guys, too. If a guy's really good looking, we go, oh, he can't act. He's a pretty boy. He can't. He's not a real actor.

[C]

What did he have to say?

[B]

Yeah, like, once in a while the Brad Pitts can kind of get away with it. But. But I always felt like Rob Lowe was sort of a throwaway guy. Like, he doesn't have chops. He's good looking.

[C]

Didn't you see him playing saxophone in.

[B]

St. Os Fire without a read. Speaking of a read, where was I? Ah, yes. Free audiobook, 30 day [e-mail] Ace. You can try it all out for [e-mail] Ace. All right, so let's see. We got the book. I'm sorry, we got the movie review to do, which I'm interested in. We have. Boy, you want to talk about Mensch and a Half with Bryan Cranston. So as I was telling you guys before. Thanks for letting me set that up there, Gary. Timing is impeccable. Thank you. As I was telling you before, Cranston is in. I think he's in New Orleans, somewhere in Louisiana, I think, shooting a film probably. I'm guessing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I wanted him to be in the movie poster in the movie. When I auditioned for Close Quarters about the sitcom about the family that lives in a submarine, I thought, well, that'll be. He'll be the dad in the sitcom and that'll be funny. It'll be a little Easter egg for the people that supported and watched a video and all that stuff. Right. So I hit up Cranston and he's nowhere in town. So then I said, well, how about you take a little time out from shooting your film and give us a bunch of pictures in front of like a green white screen or something and we'll put you in there and then we'll put my kids in and we'll get David Wilde's teenage son in there and we'll get a blonde mom and we'll make our own composite computer poster. And he, God bless him, sent me about 35 pictures of him being a sitcom dad that you can. Well, Gary, I'll scroll through them a little.

[A]

He's drawing on experience.

[B]

We'll put one on. We'll put one on the website. But I told him you know, super corny. Oh, boy, dad.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

America's gonna love you. Oh, that's good.

[B]

He literally sent 35 pictures, and all I needed was one. And I just thought, what a fucking mensch. And I was shooting Catch a Contractor today, and it just popped up on my phone. And I was standing next to Skip, and I said, you know, it just, like, popped up on my phone. And I said, oh, Skip, look at this. And I said, what a guy Bryan Cranston is. And he said, well, it must mean he likes you or something. And I said, well, you know, we have a good relationship. Brian does me a lot of favors. And I, in turn. And then I thought, I don't do anything for him. He needs nothing from me. I just ask him for shit.

[A]

But you're in deep.

[B]

I drove him to the airport once, but it wasn't even lax. It was Burbank. I really do nothing for him. He just does shit for me.

[A]

You owe him, though. Like the Godfather.

[B]

He's gonna call in a favor one day. He's gonna tell me to fucking dispose of like a babysitter he's having some rough sex with or something.

[C]

Have you noticed, though, I was actually thinking about this today? I was thinking that oftentimes when you extend yourself for someone, you think, oh, they'll get me back next time. But really it just leads to a pattern of you extending yourself more for them. I guess what I was thinking about was I have found generally that instead of in life, instead of being a back and forth, it's more like with a certain person, it's always one direction. With a certain person, maybe there's someone where you're always doing them favors and there's someone who's always doing favors for you. It probably all comes out in the wash, but not with each person.

[B]

Oh, well, there's a couple things. First off, yes, if you leave a saucer of milk in the backyard, a stray cat will come and eat, you know, consume that sauce or milk. And. And it's not like the next night the same cat comes back, but they brought you cashews. It's not. They sit there and want more milk, and you can either give it to them, and if you don't, they get pissed off. Do not worry. I have that relationship with. It doesn't come out in the wash. I wish it would. I'm overwhelmingly. By the way, it's a relationship I have with the government. I work every weekend. They take 40% of my money.

[A]

They put a saucer and milk out.

[B]

They Take. They lap it all up. Yes, I sell a bottle of Mangria, they take their money, they give me a hard time all the way up to the point where I sell the bottle of Mangria. And then when I do sell the bottle of Mangria, they take the cash. So I have that relationship with many people. But it is true. You do realize, like, there's rarely a balance with the same person, but there is a balance in life. There are people I do things for and people who do things for me. It'd be nice just to strike that 50, 50 with everybody. But that, that's sort of mathematically impossible because then I would have to be an A list celebrity. You know what I mean? I'd have to.

[A]

It's not gonna happen.

[B]

I can't offer Brian. Bryan Cranston wants to direct his next movie. He doesn't need me in it. He doesn't need me to do his.

[C]

To help him kickstart it, fund anything.

[B]

Campaign and raise money, and doesn't need. He's filming Godzilla 2, he calls Affleck. Doesn't need me. That's right. That's right. But God bless the guy, right?

[C]

I mean, those were amazing photos. Now, do you think that he had someone take them or do you think he took them? He did.

[B]

He not only had. Oh, he for sure had somebody take them because we had to have a professional photographer take them and we had to get releases done and stuff. I mean, it's a hassle when you're shooting a film to stop and do anything, especially a photo shoot, you know, and that's just who that guy is.

[A]

Well, they have set photographers. I imagine they probably just took five minutes and said, hey, can you do this real quick?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everything else after that?

[B]

No, you know. You know what the hassle is? Well, first off, you have to go find out. Blank spot. But the hassle when you're a busy person, as I know to some degree, is doing it, not the time. It's not really. Kind of like push ups in a weird way. You really sit down and bang out 40 pushups. It takes about 75 seconds, 80 seconds. Not really that. It's that remembering and being diligent. It's like in the middle of everything, stopping, walking off to the side for 10 minutes and knocking something out. When you're in the middle of everything and this is the last, you get no benefit from it. It's just this. That's really the part that's so touching. It's not the. Oh, yeah, it took 10 minutes. It's not 10 minutes, it's stopping and doing something.

[A]

One more thing on the list to check off.

[B]

Right, right. The fact that you even get onto the list is pretty cool. All right, so Bald has a movie. We were talking about Ben Affleck last night and I was talking about him on Bill Maher show. And we're talking about him kind of going bananas on being essentially calling, you know, basically saying that Bill Maher was a racist. I mean, he didn't call him a racist, but essentially he made some leaps.

[A]

He made some leaps in logic.

[B]

Yeah. And the other guy who was kind of trying to get his book out, I think his book was on, he said a book on spirituality before he was getting yelled at by Ben Affleck 10 seconds into his book on spirituality. But one thing that somebody tweeted me, which I didn't get is this guy Nicholas Kristof was doing this thing about. He was defending, he was jumping up with Ben Affleck and saying, you know, hey, there are a lot of voices out there trying to defend, trying to oppose the Muslim extremists. And then he went on and rattled off a group of people. I forgot the first person. You can hear it. We'll play it for you. But the picture, you stop it when I tell you is to some extent true, but is hugely incomplete. It is certainly true that plenty of fanatics in jihadi are Muslim. But the people who are standing up to them, Malala. All right, stop there. Malala is the 15 year old girl who got shot in the face when she was on the school bus. I forgot about that. So anyway, someone stood up to them, they got a.45 put in their fucking face and shot. There's a girl, 15 year old girl.

[A]

All right, well, let's see what she did.

[B]

Let's see what happened. Mohammed Ali Dadak, in Iran, in prison for nine years, speaking up for Christians. A friend that I had in Pakistan who was shot this year, Rashid Rahman for defending people accused of apostasy. Or how about the more than a billion people kind of makes a great point. Just like, hey, what about all the people that are standing up to these people? They get shot in the face, they get thrown in prison or they get executed. That's what Bill Maher is saying. Everybody. It's weird when the defense is the point.

[A]

Yeah, they meet violent resistance.

[C]

In every case he called, I forget, did he say, that's the point I'm trying to make. Did he pick up on that point or not?

[B]

No, I picked the thing that Frustrates me. And I think it frustrates everyone when you're watching, and I understand when you're in the middle of it, it's easy to armchair quarterback, but watching it in real time, pardon the pun, I was saying, yes, those are all people who stood up and they didn't have a heated discourse over it that got shot in the face or executed or thrown in prison. I mean, that's what happens. That's what we're talking. That does not happen with the other religions. They have people protest, people do things. You know, occasionally they're violence, but they don't walk on the school buses and shoot 15 year old girls in the face who disagree with them. All right, no, he didn't bring that up, but probably should have.

[A]

Someone floated a theory. I think it was someone here after the show. To me, like, hey, Affleck, roid rage. He's getting buffed for that new Batman movie. I was like, I don't know if that's true, but that's interesting.

[B]

I am telling you that that is a consequence of not having people in your life who have alternative viewpoints and, or disagree with you and going for long runs. I mean, there's. It's not like, like he goes to a party and all of a sudden Dinesh d' Souza comes walking up and goes, I beg to differ. Like, he goes to a party and he holds court. You know, he goes onto a film set and I'm sure he holds court and nobody ever gets in his way. And when you get used to that, you get a certain momentum in life. And some of it's good but unregulated. It can spiral a little bit. So maybe that's what that was. But still knows how to make a hell of a film, right?

[A]

Yes, indeed. We'll find out.

[B]

All right, let's. I'll tell you what. Let me give a little love to Lisa Lampenales here. We'll bring her in a second. Let me give a Little love to stamps.com. oh, man. You want to get things done quick. Get your mailing and shipping done without leaving your desk. Stamps.com, buy and print official US postage with your own computer, then just hand it to the mailman. Turn your PC or Mac into post office. Doesn't matter. It never closes. They got a special offer. Use the promo code, Adam. They got no risk trial, $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and up to 55 bucks free postage. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone. Top of the homepage. Type in Adam. That's stamps.com. enter Adam. Bold Brian. Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix queue. Before you spend bucks, remember his taste. Socks. He like that train wreck piece of shit. Transform us to hooray for Bounty Ward.

[A]

Gone Girl. It's in theaters now. It is directed by David Fincher, starring Ben Affleck, Rosamund Pike, Neil Patrick Harris. Tyler Perry's in this. Carrie Coon, Kim Dickens, Patrick Fugit. Remember him from Almost Famous? Patrick Fuget makes a comeback in this. And Missy Pyle's in this as well. Okay, so a few sorry weeks at the box office, not a lot to sorry at the theaters, not a lot to see in the movies. Last few weeks, not a great lineup of movies. But fall season is finally upon us.

[B]

Yeah, we're. There's a little movies get dumped during some periods of time and then there's Oscar time and there's Christmas time and there's buh, buh, buh, summer blockbuster and there's. There's little doldrums after the summer blockbuster before the fall.

[A]

Yeah, it used to be January and February where the bad movies went. And I think that's still the case.

[B]

But you'll see it's why Roadheart's coming out in February.

[A]

Take advantage of.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Jewel Dash is no fool.

[B]

No, that's right.

[A]

So David Fincher, I'm a big fan. He's seven. Fight Club, Benjamin Button, Social Network. The best compliment I can give him as a director. He can take a boring subject like the Social Network, which is kind of a boring.

[B]

Love that movie.

[A]

Great movie. He can make it great or he can take a really absurd movie like Girl with a Dragon Tattoo or Gone Girl. These are sort of over the top novels in a way and make a really great movie out of it. Like this one. This is a really, really, really good movie. And I got a tweet from someone saying, I just saw it over the weekend. Good luck talking about it without spoiling any of the plot. It's very hard. I mean, they do a really good job, which is rare today. In the trailers. They don't give away anything. They just set it up, which is rare. Usually the trailers, they're like mini synopses now of the movies. It's all you need to know now. They just kind of set it up. And you barely even know Tyler Perry's in it. Or Neil Patrick Harris, but they have kind of big roles.

[B]

I had no idea Tyler Perry's in it, but maybe they want to play that close to the.

[A]

I think if you see him in the trailer, you get the wrong idea of what the movie is. Because he's Tyler Perry.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Used to seeing him as Medea or whatever, you know, good deeds. And by the way, he's very good in this. He has kind of a Mark Garrigo style celebrity defend, defense lawyer.

[B]

You know, my theory, as executed so nicely by Dawson earlier in the evening, most people are pretty good actors, especially actors when given good material. When you really give someone good material.

[C]

Before you crafted Dusseldorf and Lederhosen together.

[B]

Well, I didn't want to say it, but thank you. Obviously, that's what I was thinking. When you're wordsmith. No, when you. You may not think Tyler Perry's much of an actor, but if you give Tyler Perry good stuff or anybody, like, you know, the thing where the guy surprises you from the show, that's a stupid kid show and gives a great performance, it's usually great material that really brings it out. And vice versa, by the way. It's hard to overcome shitty material.

[A]

Like when Sandler was in Punch Drunk Love and all the critics went nuts. I love that movie. But it's like. It's like that in this movie. You're like, tyler Perry's so good. It's like when a kid who's smart brings home bad grades. You're disappointed because you know they're capable of more. Now you look back on Tyler Perry's older work and you're like, you can act. You can do this. Why are we. Why are you. Why?

[B]

No, I. One out of every five shitty contractors we catch when we tell them, all right, we're putting the house back together, and they put their tool bags on and they start doing it. All of a sudden, they know everything. You know how to do this, and this is what you did. Like, now I think I'm worse. Now I'm super pissed. Because you could have done it before. And it's the same with the kid. And the same with Tyler Perry.

[A]

Yeah, it's the same thing. The score is great. Trent Reznor did the score just like he did for the Social Network. Him and Atticus Ross, they won a Oscar for the Social Network and could be up again. This is a really, really good score. The cast is perfect. Ben Affleck. Did you read the book, Alison or.

[B]

I did not. What's a book?

[A]

The book is called Gone Girl. Oh, yeah, it was a book.

[C]

That thing with paper and words between two covers, usually soft or hard.

[B]

There are naked ladies in it.

[A]

You've produced three of these things.

[B]

Naked ladies?

[C]

No, no naked ladies.

[B]

Count me out. I don't want to chance it.

[A]

But Ben Affleck is perfect as the guy who's. Who's a good looking. I wonder if it's like an in joke, the casting. Because he plays a good looking guy who people seem to. Not quite trust or not quite like, even though he's a perfectly normal guy, like Ben Affleck gets a lot of shit for just being Ben Affleck for some reason. But he's a good actor, a good director. I mean, I don't do good things.

[B]

I don't know. I mean, I know I. I gave him a lot of shit in the last two days, but he's generally pretty well liked and seems to have a good sense of humor.

[A]

There was a real dip in Affleck's career where he's getting shit on pretty hard.

[B]

Oh yeah, he did G Lean and all that. He did the G lean, went with JLo and all that kind of stuff. But I think he's. The last five years he's come around pretty big way. Oh, for sure. Look, I never. Guys make good movies, guys make bad movies. My problem is with the guys who crank out bad movie after bad movie after bad movie, whether it be Adam Sandler, Tyler Perry, when they have the ability to do good stuff. That's what bothers him.

[C]

He sold out when he fixed his teeth. Do you remember what his teeth used to be like? His Chasing Amy era teeth.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Yeah. It's no fair, by the way.

[A]

Why? Why was it not fair?

[B]

Well, if you think about it, when they, they show a lot of these male celebrities especially and female as well, with the boob jobs and the teeth and the nose and stuff like that. These guys were mortal. I mean, you stood a fighting chance because you have nice natural teeth or decent teeth and he had fucked up teeth or they'll show even. I don't know. I'm trying to think if somebody showed me a picture of. I can't remember who, or maybe it was Matt Damon or something like before. And it's like they're cute and everything, but you got a fighting chance because their teeth are a little fucked up. And then they fucking fix their teeth and now it's no fucking fair.

[A]

You know, had normal. You know who had normal flawed teeth back in the day? Tom Cruise. Yes, he had the perfect smile, but like before, like outsiders era.

[B]

Tom Cruise. Yes.

[A]

Normal teeth.

[C]

I think an article about that keeps trying to pop up at the bottom of my entertainment news that I'm looking online where it's like, this one little thing can boost your Testosterone. And also 15 celebrities who definitely had their teeth fit.

[B]

So anyway, so we should see it.

[A]

Gone girls. Excellence. Getting 87% of rotten tomatoes. I don't know that I would put it. My favorite Fincher movies. Seven, Fight Club, Social Network. I think those are just excellent A pluses. This is an A. This is a really good movie. Not quite his best, but.

[C]

Is it a thriller?

[A]

It is a suspense. It's not a thriller. It's a suspense. It's hard. I can't wanna give too much away. Kind of a.

[B]

Who doesn't? We'll see it.

[A]

Well, we're seeing.

[B]

We'll see it for that. And there's nothing fucking else to see right now. Right?

[A]

As of right now, this is the only movie that's probably wide release. Is probably.

[B]

Really.

[A]

We're seeing. Check it out.

[B]

All right. Hooray for Bounty Ward. We'll bring Lisa Lampanelli in. One second. Real quick. Skyler 20, New York. Hey, how's it going?

[D]

Get it on.

[B]

Good man. What's going on? Not too much. I just had a question. I was listening to classic Loveline a couple days ago. It was the episode Margaret Cho was on. I believe from what I picked up, it was her first appearance with you hosting the show. I was just wondering if that was before or after the incident where she got drunk and tried to hook up with you. I think it was before. And just for clarity on that story, because I've told it a few times, and then Margaret Cho kind of comes back and goes, oh, Adam said I was too big a pig to hook up with or something. First off, I said nothing of the kind. I had a full time girlfriend and I was flattered that Margaret.

[C]

Oh, you didn't want any pig on the side.

[B]

That's right. A little bacon on the side of those eggs. I was flattered that Margaret Cho seemed to be interested in me. Interested in more than my mind. But I had a full time, full time girlfriend and wasn't going to get into that. So it had nothing to do with Margaret Cho physicality or what her physicality was back then. And look, if I was single, I'm sure I would have tapped that ass, you know what I mean? So I don't. And I've heard her sort of twist it around a little like I was saying something derogatory about her. I really wasn't. Or at least I didn't mean to. I was trying to say that I was in a relationship and it was a funny story, but had nothing to do with her and her physicality. I was flattered, but I think that would have been before. Thanks. You good, Skyler? Yeah. Thanks a lot. Alright, let's Reverie bed and then we'll bring in Lisa Lampanelli. It's a sleep system. I got it. You should get it. Get into that thing. Took a nice nap today. Put it on the vibrate, Put up. Put the feet up, put the back up. It splits. It has. You can design your bed with these individual coils. They're not even really coils. It's called DreamCell technology. It's like you. It's like these things the size of coffee cans. And you put them. You know, there's 50 of them. And you put the stiffer ones where your back is and the lighter ones where your head is, or vice versa, whatever. You can essentially dial in your bed to how you like it. And then your wife or boyfriend or significant other or partner or whatever on the other side. You can just make that side different. You don't have to do it the same as yours. Have a zero gravity position. Have an anti snoring position again. It's like totally electric. Feet come up, thing comes up, vibrator goes on. Unbelievable. 8, 8, 8, triple 8, 5990. I was saying to somebody today, you know those things you got and you're glad you got them, but you wish you'd got it. I wish I had this Reverie bed when I was a zygote. That's how in love, or was it.

[A]

Your whole life, literally?

[B]

That's right. I grew up on an army cot in a porch service porch. You can try it for free. 101 night, no risk trial. If you don't love it, send it back. Full refund. 888-888-5990. Or you can go to sleeplikeadam.com that's sleeplikeadam.com Dawson. Any Adam Carolla listener who calls Reverie to learn more and decides to purchase a Reverie sleep system will receive a $250 voucher for every accessories you must call to be eligible and specify that you are referred by Adam Carolla. Voucher cannot be applied to reduce the purchase price of the sleep system. All right. Lisa Lampanelli's waiting and we're not gonna make her wait anymore because we're Gonna bring her right on in. It's time to check Adam's voicemail. A Corolla Mater from Virginia. I don't know if it's the Mangria talking or what, but if you ain't pissing in your yard once a week, you ain't living, brother. All right, man. Have a good one. You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. By the way, the three pack, all ready for shipping out the Brose. All finished. New black bottles, new screw caps, new formula. The three pack, 49.99, shipping included, and [e-mail] so go enjoy it. Yes.

[A]

That's your home pissing on.

[B]

Yeah, man, get your piss on. Get. You know, I've said it. Lisa Lampanelli, the greatest thing about owning a house is once in a while, walk out to the front, just take a piss and go, I've done it. Walk out to the front. If I was your house, if I was an apartment, I'd be. I'd be arrested right now. So Lisa looks unbelievable. Let me give you her website, insultcomic.com. a lot of live dates coming up in. Well, let's see. I can't even.

[D]

I'm not working much till the end of the year. It's great. Well, I'm up near Seattle. I'm in Vancouver. I'm gonna be in Foxwoods in Connecticut.

[B]

Yeah. And I would just say, go to insultcomic.com do it tonight, and find out where and when she's coming to a city or town near you. So Lisa Lampanelli looks unbelievable.

[A]

If you're only lukewarm on Lisa's comedy, you got to go. Just check her out.

[D]

I know nobody recognizes me. I have gone on stage, and people have been just staring, going, where's Lisa? It's so great. They think my gay opening act is me more than they think I'm me. Mike. That's cool.

[B]

So how. How much weight have you lost in total?

[D]

Yeah, total 107. And I kept it off for two and a half years so far. So I figure I have three more years thin, and then I'll gain it all back.

[C]

How often do you weigh yourself?

[D]

Never.

[C]

Really?

[D]

Yeah, I just know by my clothes, like, they all fit perfect. I'm like, oh, thank God. Cause really, living fat is a hard thing now. I'm a tasty piece of ass. People love me. I got flirted with by a guy with a job the other day, and you guys don't think that's A big thing. It is huge for me. Like an actual really employed, like, upwardly mobile guy. I was like, all right, work.

[B]

Oh, look out, Jimmy. Big balls, Jimmy. Oh.

[D]

Got a divorce.

[B]

Oh, Jesus. Yeah.

[D]

That's the best news ever.

[B]

So you dropped 407 pounds.

[D]

Actually, he lost 98 also, so I win. But no, we ended up getting divorced. But it was very amicable, I think.

[C]

How the weight loss, if it did affect the relationship, I think I didn't ask that question.

[D]

No, I think what happened was we both realized we were kind of when you get rid of the weight and some other issues, you become who you really are. And it just wasn't working. It wasn't a terrible relationship, but it wasn't a great one. And I would always look at good couples like Howard and Beth and, like, you and your wife. You guys get each other. You want to talk to each other. Me and Jimmy had three houses, so we never had to be in the same house at the same time. But it was, like, unsaid, so I brought it up.

[B]

Yeah, I brought only three houses.

[D]

Sorry.

[B]

There's a chance you might run into them in the third or second house.

[D]

You never know. But around March of last year, I just said, I just don't want to be married anymore. I don't think we're a match. I kind of knew it all along. And he, for a couple months, was upset, and then he goes, I get it. You're right. So it was cool.

[B]

Well, how does it. I mean, first off, you guys didn't have any kids.

[D]

No, we just had a dog that we adopted. But I got the dog. Cause it requires money to feed him.

[B]

If you don't have kids. Sorry, kidless married people in the room. I just feel like it's no harm, no foul, especially if you both just want to go, look, we made a mistake. We're going our separate ways. Yeah, it's fine.

[D]

It was super easy.

[B]

It's the kids where it becomes complicated. And it's not only complicated, but you're fucking. Potentially fucking up some other human life forms on the planet. Especially if someone's going out of town or there's a lot of acrimony or whatever it is. Right? So, you guys, it was such a.

[D]

Boring divorce that we released a statement to tmz. And it was cute and funny that we both approved of. And they have not ever since asked us about it because there's no drama. We stuck to the prenup. Jimmy didn't ask for anything extra, and I just gave him a little Dough to get started and boom, everybody's happy.

[B]

So are you dating now? Are you? What's going on?

[D]

I'm waiting a little while. Cause it's final at the end of this month, I think. And it's like I want to work on myself enough to attract like the right kind of guy. Like the kind of guy who I don't just like. I kind of grabbed onto Jimmy because he was nice, he was dependable, he was the guy who'd never leave. And it was sort of. I discovered that as we went on and I go, I don't want somebody who's not just a safe guy. Like, I want somebody who I get and spiritually gets me and I get them and I want to talk to them. Like, you know, there's people who actually talk to their mates. I'm like, wow. I honestly, he would be like 8th person on the list of the people I wanted to call. And that's not right.

[B]

Right.

[D]

So I kind of am looking forward to dating. I don't know what I'll date because I'm too skinny for the blacks now, as you know.

[B]

Oh yeah, not enough ass there.

[D]

No. You know, they need place to hide the widescreen tv, you know.

[B]

Is that what they're calling their cock? See.

[D]

I thought an Asian maybe.

[B]

Listen, you know what?

[A]

There's gotta be black kids in Vizio.

[B]

You guys gotta. Yeah, life's good. All right, you guys tell me. And maybe I'm oversimplifying this. No, no, no. But I think this is good because as a woman, and you're probably as a comedian, probably more attracted to a guy's inner whatever and his sense of humor and his vibe and his whatever. And you don't need Mr. America.

[D]

I don't.

[B]

And you don't need some 23 year old with a six pack and all that kind of stuff. And thus you can really just go out and find any, you know. And you don't need a guy who's 28. No, you can find a guy, he's got a bald spot, but a great personality. And just fucking start sharing ideas.

[D]

Sure. Because I've always looked beyond looks anyway. Like I've never been the chick who dates the hot guy. Jimmy was the best looking guy I dated and he got even way better looking after we got married because of the surgery. But now I'm like, I think I need like a very troll like looking.

[B]

Individual who has sacreduction, by the way.

[D]

And deep. And deep. Like I just like a deeper guy because I work on myself so much. Like, since I've seen you, I've probably gone to like 10 retreats, all these workshops. Like, I just want to get like more, less shallow.

[B]

Can I throw this out there?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And it's interesting. I'm having a lot of revelations as it pertains to the genders lately. You know, we always do this thing where it's like, oh, guys always dating the young ditzy chicks and you know, these 50 year old producers going out, these 23 year old, you know, hostesses and blah, blah, blah. And, and we as guys, we get to do whatever we want, you know, single guy, you know, but the women, they get a little bit older and they can't go out with the young. Whatever. But in a weird way, maybe the joke's on the guy because you got the guy and he's, you know, 52 and he's been divorced and he's smart and he's educated and successful, he's well traveled, he's blah, blah, blah. He's basically George Clooney. He's dating a professional wrestler who's 22. He's not being fucking stimulated at all. I mean, yeah, they're fucking all the time.

[D]

I think some guys don't care. Cause they don't mind a shallow relationship and that's fine.

[B]

But eventually it catches up to George Clooney. Like, he's like, I'm with a chick who's six foot tall and was a professional wrestler and I'm a fucking, I'm substantial intellectually and I got this. I'm fucking traveling the world with a 28 year old chick who went to 2, 2 semesters of junior college and then started like wrestling and grew up in Florida. And like we had nothing to fucking talk.

[D]

Florida part is, by the way, the worst part of that whole thing.

[B]

This is great. Like, it's great that we're fucking, but right now we're on an airplane for seven hours, we're sitting next to each other, we got nothing fucking to say. Like, maybe it's better being a chick going, fuck it. I don't care if the guy's got a little pot belly and a little bald spot. We're gonna have a nice conversation because I'm not focused on the physicality. It's so true.

[D]

Because I was at this retreat at this place called Kripalu. It's this place where they do lots of yoga retreats and stuff. And two guys actually flirted with me, which I was. I actually have recently begun to accept my looks because I always hated my Looks, you know, not just the weight, just my face. I was just always self hating. And now I'm like, oh, you know what? I'm not bad. Like, I can flirt back. It's cute. So the two guys who flirted with me. First guy was about, I would say, five foot tall, but he was super smart. And he was in the yoga retreat. He had the balls to be in that class with 16 women and him. And he wasn't balls.

[B]

Always balls with her. I know.

[D]

So I was like, oh, that's cute. Even though he's short, I don't care. The other guy had something even worse wrong with him. He was Indian. And, you know, I saw past that and I said, you know what if I could hold my nose? No, but the guy was really, honestly, he was so smart and he's writing a book on, you know, something about some spirituality things.

[B]

Just red.

[D]

And I was like, well, this is nice. Like, I'm gonna open my, you know, my venue to some. Not my venue. That sounds like my vagina.

[B]

Understood.

[D]

I'm gonna open my thoughts to someone who is interested.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Sorry.

[B]

All right. You all right? So a question we were gonna ask earlier, before you showed up, which was you in junior high, you as a little girl, Were you extroverted? Were you performer? Were you always telling jokes? Were you sort of life of the party? Was that you in high school or junior high or even as a young girl?

[D]

No, I was always introverted, which I think I am. I think I'm just a performer for money and on stage. And when I'm off the air or off stage, I am super quiet. I'm not very fun. I'm not very entertaining. All I like is friends I could talk deeply with. So I think, like, all this inauthentic stuff is melting away. Like, I don't curse anymore offstage. I don't yell at people off stage anymore because I'm like, that's part of the act and that's not who I really am.

[B]

Are you more sensitive? Which is funny? I mean, the other. Well, there's a couple sort of quote unquote, insult comics. Jeff Ross, he's the most sensitive guy I know. Not the most sensitive comedian I know. It's like, most sensitive guy. Like, he gets his feelings hurt pretty easily. He's really sweet. He's very sincere. He's very, how are the kids and how the family? He doesn't have a very thick skin when it comes to shoving it back at him. And he's really, like, sensitive. I think that's how I would describe him.

[D]

That's what's funny. My shrink.

[B]

And I think of you as a very sensitive. And so obviously, there's some overcompensation once the mic gets put in your hand.

[D]

That's what it is. That's just the act. Because off stage. Stage, I'm an insult comic who can't take a joke, which is obviously hypocritical. That's like, you know, a pedophile who can't stand children's parties. You know, it's just like.

[B]

It's wrong.

[D]

It's totally wrong.

[B]

You should be at those parties.

[C]

And I've lost respect for those pedophiles.

[B]

I do.

[D]

I do. And it's a lot of stuff.

[B]

That donkey in a circle.

[D]

But, yeah, I get my feelings hurt all the time. I didn't at the roast. Because the roasts are different stage. Lisa.

[B]

Yeah, it's staged. Lisa. And definitely a. Basically like a fight where the guys hug it out. After the fight, you enter the octagon. There is a context for why the guy's throwing punches at you.

[D]

Right.

[B]

You know, but it's not one of those things where somebody tweets out something or says something in some other venue.

[D]

Well, the tweeting. Talk about sensitive. When I got the weight loss surgery, I stopped reading tweets about me because I knew that physically, I wouldn't heal well if it. Because that would hurt my feelings so much reading this stuff that people would put out there about me. So I just. I. I don't even read it now.

[B]

Do you feel like there was any other way? And I know you yo. Yoed a ton, and you went to, you know, fat camp and.

[D]

Right, Right.

[B]

Tunneled out with a spoon. Like, really?

[D]

With an ice cream.

[B]

With an ice cream soup. She was caught when she got wedged in the tunnel. But no, see, that really hurts.

[D]

I'm just smiling through.

[C]

I was actually wondering, does it hurt at all? No.

[B]

No. Because I admit, you tried. You tried everything. And I know a few people that had a serious problem. And the only people I've really seen. And I'm not talking about the people have dropped a few pounds. I'm talking about the people that went from formerly fat to fit on my life have just been. The people have been through that surgery.

[D]

Oh, definitely.

[B]

And you wouldn't. You would not be sitting here today in all your hotness if you did not go through that surgery.

[D]

No, because I went from age 18 to 50, 32 years, trying every single thing. So I had a clear conscience saying this is the only thing that's going to work. And everybody was like, was it to live longer? Yeah, partly. But also, you don't want to walk around with the self hate of being a fat cunt all your life. It hurts.

[B]

Are you. So what is the routine? And I mean, because there are many different procedures and I'm not sure the one you had exactly, but what, in just layman's terms did they do to you? And then how does it manifest itself in your daily eating and life?

[D]

Right, to break it down easy, it's called the gastric sleeve, which the procedure is nothing like it sounds in that name. They basically just take your stomach and remove most of it. So basically instead of having a huge stomach that you've stretched it out, they make it about 15%.

[B]

So you have a small way down.

[D]

Oh, dude. And guess what? He did something either right or wrong with me. It hasn't stretched out a bit. Like I can literally eat if I order, because I order like anyone else. I don't want to sit there and be a douche and have salad. So I order appetizer, entree, dessert, two bites of each, I'm done. And then, you know, you get hungry maybe three, four hours later.

[A]

It's a better life.

[B]

So it is. You're not dieting per se, you're eating.

[D]

Like a normal person. Like if we went out to dinner, you probably wouldn't even notice. You'd just be like, oh, she doesn't eat that much.

[B]

Right. And so you order what you want, you just eat much less. And you essentially feel full because your stomach is being pressed upon by whatever you've put in inside you. Because it's 15% now, I would have thought 50% would be dramatic. But going down to 15 now, would it vary if you were 50 pounds lighter before you got the procedure, would they have left 25%? Oh, no, no, no.

[D]

It's just always standard 15%. It's like sort of a banana sized in your gullet.

[C]

Do they remove the rest of your stomach?

[D]

Oh, it's done. And I asked if I could get it back if I got hungry. And that Indian was like, no. I mean more like no, my friend.

[B]

So. Yes. What?

[A]

What? Since you've lost the weight, what do you notice most about your physical change? I lost, I lost about half as much as you. So not a ton. Yeah, Many years ago I lost £55. And the thing I noticed the most physically right away was, wow, my ass gets sore so much faster. Like my butt gets sore from sitting in the Car seat or sitting on a stool, my butt bones hurt a lot more than.

[D]

Yeah, I'm really bony. I'm really bony. So when people hug me, my back. Back hurts, you know? But it's a small price to pay for looking this gorgeous, you know?

[A]

Is that what you notice physically?

[D]

No. Yeah, my ass hurts a lot on a plane or anywhere else. And from the anal atom.

[B]

Yeah, no, I was gonna say to Brian, can't the guy use some kind of lube and just really take it slow at the beginning?

[D]

Also, did you notice, too, your poops are really small?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, I poop like a rabbit.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And, you know, but physically, other than that, I just feel like I have ton of energy. I feel. Feel great. I'm so lucky.

[B]

So you would recommend this to anybody? Yeah.

[D]

And I was on Dr. Oz talking about this, and he said, it's the most underutilized surgery that exists. And he's like, if you need it, you need it, get it.

[B]

Well, first off, does insurance cover it?

[D]

Yeah, if you're obese and have a BMI of whatever it is. I paid for myself because I was like, well, you know, I kind of just want it quick. They usually make you go through six months of counseling before you actually get it paid for by insurance. But I was like, screw it. I want it tomorrow. Let's do this.

[B]

Mm.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

How much is it?

[D]

Like, 16 grand. Which I thought was pretty good.

[B]

It is for considering what they're about to do for your life. And if you think about what it costs to go to all the camps and buy all the Jenny Craig frozen food and do all the fucking whatever.

[D]

Nutrisystem. That stinks.

[B]

Whatever. By the way, though, that's great. When someone comes. I mean, it's like good news, bad news day. When someone comes up to you and goes, look, I'm gonna give you 500 grand, but I need you to drop 21 pounds. You gotta go, what? And then the next one's like, oh, okay.

[D]

Have you noticed all those spokespeople other than Marie Osmond have fallen away? Like, they've all gained their weight back? Because dieting does not work. It's been scientifically proven. Somebody sent me an article. You're right. Unless you get the surgery, you cannot keep it off. Cause it's food addiction. I'm not being like, oh, it's AA and all that, but guess what? You're drawn to food because of emotion. That's at least why I was. And a lot of people are. And now I just got to feel my Feelings instead, which sucks more than eating because you have to. You have to feel stuff.

[B]

Why at a certain point, though, because we always talk about all the process and all the work you're doing on yourself and therapy and retreats and, and so on and so forth. At what point do you sort of become a project? And then at what point do you just go, I've turned fixing me into my own little cottage industry and maybe you should consider yourself fixed enough. Not to the point where you don't think about things, but the point where you're no longer decided to make yourself a project.

[D]

Right. Like, it had to be my full time job. Jobs from the surgery through my dad's death. My dad was. I had six months with him in hospice and stuff this past year I had to be my own project through the divorce. But now I'm kind of opening up to be more, oh, that retreat sounds fun. You know, instead of, oh my God, I have to solve this because I'm so sane now. Like, I'm sure there's more stuff I could learn about spirituality and about yoga and about meditation, but now I feel like, like, oh my God, I'm like getting healthy where I'm happy all the time. I'm grateful all the time. Like, I was sucking at gratitude all my life. Like, people would be like, oh, you're so lucky. I'd be like, no, my life sucks. I'm not where I want to be in the business. I'm a fucking failure. I'm fat, I'm a loser. I got a husband I don't like. Now I'm just grateful. When I get up, I'm like, oh, this is great, man. I get to do stuff I like every day.

[C]

How do you get to that point? I actually just wrote an article about gratitude. Gratitude.

[D]

And it has to be a shift.

[C]

There's too much anger for me to feel gratitude.

[D]

You got to work on that. You got to forgive yourself and you got to forgive other people. And forgiveness is hugely hard. Okay, nevermind. Then again, just be angry. It's funnier.

[B]

Check out.

[D]

But I like still being angry and funny on stage. And then when you get off, you're just happy.

[B]

Do you find or tell me if this is true? I don't want to put any words in your, in your mouth, but I find with some people it almost becomes a narcissistic endeavor. Them and all their flaws and all the work they must constantly do on their flaws. And it's like, at first blush, you're like, oh, well, here's a Person that's trying to better themselves. And this is awesome. And look at what they're trying to do through therapy and various means. And then at a certain point, it becomes the ultimate in self absorbed because it's like all they're doing is working on them. And then they are also. I think I get a little of this. My mom does a little of this where they put forth all their. Well, I'm this kind of person. I'm that kind of person. So now you have to deal with it like you've been forewarned. Yes, well, I'm mad, I'm honest. Like, listen, everybody, I'm a mess, so don't expect me to be decent to you because I'm wildly. Now, on one hand, you're beating up on yourself. You're explaining what a piece of shit you are, but on the other hand, it's kind of narcissistic endeavor because you're telling everybody you're on. Don't expect anything.

[D]

No, that's a dick. That's just a narcissistic douchebag like me. It's like I take the blame for what I do, you know, if I yell at someone, that's my problem, you know, it's not theirs. And, you know, I think people like to stay stuck, too, and act like they're working on themselves, but not really.

[B]

And how is the comedy or the fire in the belly that's 85% gone and filled with one crouton? Pretty much literally right in one of those cheddarfish things. Is it? Can you get up there and still be angry? Be fired up?

[D]

Well, that's the thing. All of it's transferred to stage, but here it might be a coincidence, but I had stopped getting standing odes last year, and I was like, wow, what's going on? Because I think I was kind of unhappy in real life. And I had this really ungrateful attitude and stuff, but I was still funny. But I was like, why aren't they feeling the love for me that.

[B]

That standing ovations, right?

[D]

Well, all of a sudden I start working on this stuff. I dissolve the marriage, my dad, you know, I'm able to see him through to a really great, you know, very beautiful death. And I start getting the standing O's again because I have some vulnerability. I have. It's vulnerability just in your. How you act, not your words. You're not up there telling stories about a death, right, but you're just being more you. I start getting standing ovations six months ago, every show So I go, there's something I'm bringing that they're liking more than what they were before. But the jokes are still as hard edged and funny.

[B]

What is? And we're talking about a career and that. And it's, you know, for some people, stand up is a stepping stone to something else. For some people, it's a good career. For some people, it's a tough career for you. And I don't know, you know, not everybody wants to do everything else. And everyone just assumes everyone wants a sitcom. But that's a lot of work. There's a lot of people to talk about horrible things. Fucking horrible. And I wouldn't personally want to do that. But I don't know what the end game is for you. Do you feel like I'd like to do something other than stand up or this is my destiny?

[D]

Well, you know what? I think I got into stand up. I know to just be stand up. I'm retarded. I'm sorry. I've been up since like 4. I got into this business to do standup. That's all I wanted to do ever. And then I wanted to do the Broadway show because it's live. I like live. But the Broadway show is more revealing. So you get like where there's all this pressure to get a TV deal and be in movies. But in my gut, I like, don't think I wanted it because I'm the type, if I want it, I'll get it. So I don't think, I think I was trying to do what people wanted me to do or what I was supposed to do. And now like, all that's so gone that I'm like, eventually I'm not even going to want to do stand up anymore. I might want to just retire and do something with charities or do this or that and just be like, this isn't me anymore and I want to do that.

[B]

Yeah, I think, and this is probably more me talking than you, but you tell me the perception that everyone wants to do something other than what they're doing, terrible. That's the part that sucks in this business. So it's this part where I am very happy doing what I'm doing. I like doing a lot of different things and I'm perfectly content. The only part of it that bothers me is when people are like, must be really tough with Jimmy doing a late night show and you doing your thing. And I'm like, no, I like doing this. And I'm really happy he's doing that. And they're like, yeah, but it's still got to be tough. And it's like, that is if that was my life's ambition, but that's his. He always wanted to do that. And I couldn't be happier for the guy, but I didn't want to do that. And I would like to do different things and have success, but I don't. That's the perception part, can be a little funny.

[D]

So funny is no matter how many times you say it, that person's still going to walk away saying, oh, he's just hiding the pain. And, like, I had every interview, literally 100% of interviews go, what else are you working on? And for once, I was really honest with a girl a couple months ago. I go, you know what? I'll be honest with you because you seem cool. That's really insulting to imply what I do doesn't have value of its own and that I should be working on something else. And she goes, oh, my God. I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was, is there anything else I can promote for you? I said, then say it that way to comics from now on, because we take great offense to that. And she was like, okay. Because, I mean, it's really like, isn't this a valid job? Like, I thought it was? We earn money, we do it, and it's fine.

[B]

I have a couple things. First off, you know, I literally did an interview. I remember exactly where I was. I was, like, standing outside my trailer for Dancing with the Stars, and I got this call, like, people magazine wants to interview you. I'm like, oh, awesome. About Dr. Drew. And that's how it always worked. They want a sound bite for you about Jimmy, about Dr. Drew. It was really. It was like, both of them, like, five years ago, they both had five TV shows, and, like, everyone wanted to interview me about then. So the lady, the young woman I was speaking to, like, literally just said, Dr. Drew has three TV shows. You don't have any. How does that make you feel? Like, she was like, she must have been hot, because only hot chick would say something that fucked up, because no one's ever went like, shut up, bitch. You know what you're talking about. Like, some. She got all the way through high school that anyone ever doing anything but nodding their head with a boner. Right, right. But she literally said, how's that make you feel? Like, almost like a child would just go, why are you.

[A]

What's wrong with your face?

[B]

Yeah, where's that mole on your forehead? You think that's good? It's got hair in it. Like how? And it was like, I know in her mind that's what she was thinking. Like, your partner has three shows, you have no shows. What must that be like a reflection.

[D]

On how she feels. Isn't that horrible?

[B]

Well, the only part that's horrible is that I have to try to convince her that I'm happy doing what I'm doing. But it's never gonna work because then you overcompensate. Then she's like, oh, sure, he said it five times, but that doesn't mean anything.

[D]

Well, it's like now when people are like, oh, are you maybe gonna try it with a girl now that you got a divorce and cut your hair? Cause that is a big indication that you're a lesbian. And I always go, no, man, I never was attracted to pussy. And they're like, that sounds like you answered too fast. You just can't. You can't win. You can't.

[A]

If you waited and thought about it, then you're really into it.

[D]

There you go.

[B]

There you go. Well, Brian, let's try. You asked me if I'm in a.

[A]

Say, Adam, now that you're single, you're gonna give the. The guys a try.

[B]

What day is it?

[A]

Monday.

[B]

Monday. I think I'll stick with for now.

[A]

It's odd that you had to think about it for so long.

[D]

Say, he just cannot win.

[B]

Yeah, you can't now, by the way.

[D]

That'S since you brought up Dancing with the Stars. That's the one thing that I'm jealous of people for doing Dancing with the Stars. Anything else? If you told me Blockbuster movies, big hit TV show, I'd say fuck em both. But I cannot get my ass on Dancing with the Stars. And I'm so jealous.

[B]

Why?

[D]

They said they didn't want me because I did the Apprentice. But see, you did it in the other order. They said I did Apprentice first. Can't do that. I think it's a big excuse for not wanting me on because I say cunt.

[B]

You know? Exactly. I'll tell you what it is.

[C]

There goes my career with dancing stars.

[D]

I just love the show and I love the idea of dancing.

[C]

I can't believe they wouldn't want you.

[D]

You know, they're so grateful.

[B]

I. Oh, they make a big deal out of the weight loss. I know. They're so stupid.

[C]

Call them.

[B]

Here's what I.

[D]

They loved him for that week for a little while.

[B]

I was on for two days. Didn't bother giving me a trailer.

[D]

You, Jeff Ross and Mike Catherwood, how's it feel? Mike Catherwood having a nightly show.

[B]

How's that feel, Adam? I will say this. I made it to week four.

[D]

Oh, you did?

[B]

Yeah, I did. I got by a few weeks, there were people worse than I was. I really do feel this way with Dancing with the Stars. If into a limit. If you. They are like the hot chick from high school. If you approach them, they don't want you. I've had people all the time who are fairly notable. Celebrities like Lisa Lampanelli. Say, I tried to get on and they won't. And it's like I keep asking and they keep saying. And then you see the people that are on and you're like, wait a minute. I've never heard. Heard every time they read the roster and there's four and a half names. Oh, one of them was a Pussycat doll or whatever. And you're like, what the fuck? I never heard of her.

[A]

Yep. So you know how you have to act not interesting.

[B]

Yeah, they'd love to have Carl Weathers because that's. That's when I talked to him about Dancing with the Stars. That was his whole thing.

[A]

Some asshole tweeted me is like that that's Jesse Ventura. You don't know what you're talking about. Don't tell me my drums.

[B]

That's cool. Not interested. By the way, there should be a. There should be a thing. Because guys, you know will not know. I did Dancing with the Stars and I'll be like, that noise. Oh, yeah, that show. That's for facts, you know, way. But my career may maybe not what it was, you know, 10 years ago, but it ain't bottomed out yet. It's a lot of that. Then you fucking just sit there there like I got.

[D]

Oh, it's the worst. But you know what's great? When you accept your fourth tier celebrity, it's good. It's just not you because you're maybe I think you're third. I'm definitely fourth or fifth. And it's weird how when you accept it and you go, I am who I am. I have a great career. I have enough money to, you know, help myself and my family. That's all I need. But people who are just constantly striving to fill the hole inside of the career, it never works.

[B]

I had this conversation with dear friend Philip Welford. And we know him as Philip the Juggler. Around. He was a professional juggler and very virile guy. Very good looking guy. Very good friend of mine just died. Geez, I guess it's been about a year and a half ago. One of these things where you've never seen someone so strong and so good looking and so everything and then just early onset dementia and just completely came undone and then just died. And it was crazy that the guy who could ride the unicycle and juggle on a small stage, by the way, got this where he couldn't take care of himself and he couldn't move around and blah blah. It was very sad. But he used to tell me sort of all the time because we both sort of started, that's me as wedding looking very young and drunk and Philip looking very handsome and great guy. But he used to say, he kind of lamented like his career. Like he'd say I was just a juggler, you know, I never really made it. You made it, you got on tv, you had TV shows. You know, I never sort of went to Hollywood and had a sitcom or whatever. And I said, I used to tell him all the time, like, Philip, you have not had a job, a regular job. I mean, opening for Andy Williams is not a job. You know what I mean? For 20 minutes in Branson, Missouri, in 10,000 seat room, you've not had a job in 25 years. You don't understand the odds that you beat to just be a performer, gainfully employed, live in a beautiful home, play golf whenever you want and go do 20 minutes open for Andy Williams and get a bunch of money and go home. You don't realize how many what the odds you're looking at it is. You're basically standing at the 99.9 step degree and you're looking at the last two steps going, huh, why couldn't I get up to the observatory there? And it's like you got to look behind you every once in a while and go, how many people are trying to do this?

[D]

Well, I think you have a better perspective on that because you had such crappy day jobs. So you can remember pounding nails and doing all this crazy stuff. A lot of us can't because I'm, I was went to college. I never had like a really tough job in my life. I was a journalist and maybe proofreading was the worst thing I ever had to do. I never did anything manual, so. But you have that perspective and it's good to drum that into people.

[B]

You know, I did a little proofreading too. I had to prove to people I could read, they heard me talk.

[A]

You're still trying.

[B]

You're dragging your finger again, Corolla do it without your hands this time.

[D]

You know what's even harder for me to deal with now that I'm like, put the career thing to rest of going, I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I'm really happy here. When I meet people like you or Penn Jillette, I'm constantly like, God, they're so goddamn much smarter than I am. How can I keep up with a conversation with these people? And then I go, wait a minute, I'm not that stupid. Like, I'm never going to be a genius like you guys. But then. So it's all smoke up here. That's not even true, because I always am. Everybody says that about him, that you come on this show and you hope you can keep up. And half the time, we're just wowed by the things you do with language. But you just go, well, you know, I have value in my own right, so that's okay, too. So comparing is always bad. I used to compare myself with Chelsea Handler all the time. And then I found out, like, she lost her brother when she was 12, and it was this horrible thing for her family. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'd rather have an alive brother than this kind of success. So you just forget about it.

[B]

I've had this running joke, but it's sort of true now we're thinking about it. And, yeah, everybody, look, once you get the money, that doesn't bring you any happiness. Brings you a lot more responsibility and things like that. And by the way, you're just sort of. You're who you are. You can give yourself a better car and a better house and a better everything, but you're still at the core of who you are. But. But I've had this funny thing. I don't know why it's reminding me of this, but I've been doing this catch a contractor show in the worst fucking neighborhoods in America. Like, we're going to Gardena. Gardena's a fucking dump. And they're standing. And it's been a while since I've sped through bad places when I've been driving home from LAX and the 110 ramp has been closed, and you find yourself off the side of the freeway on Rosecrans, turning around and running some red lights, trying to get back to the good neighborhood. But. But I've not spent 10 hours in a shit neighborhood seeing all the fucking people come out of their houses and the shitty trucks parked out on the street. But I don't know why this is reminding me Every time we do these OTF's, and you know how the OTFs go from who wants. I mean, Apprentice, Apprentice, Apprentice, Celebrity Apprentice, where they pull you off to the side and you get caught up, and here's what we did today, and blah, blah, blah. Well, you go stand on. When you do them, you go to the two driveways down from the crappy neighborhood, and you stand on someone's lawn, and they kind of set up on the sidewalk, and they get you, but you stand there while the entire neighborhood just sort of walks past you or drives. And my big running joke with everybody is every third truck is like. It's like a 1981 Toyota long bed that's had the bed chopped off and a flatbed put there, and it's got pallets stacked up, you know, and bungee cords wrapped around it or gardening equipment dragging off the back of it. And every time one comes by, I just say to the camera, because we have to stop. It's making too much noise. I go, I know you think the guy driving that truck's got the world by the tail, doesn't have any problems. Doesn't have no problems with anything. But I'll bet you that guy just same problems we do. I'll bet you he puts his fucking pants on one leg at a time, just like we do. I'll bet if you think talk to him, you tell him his old lady was giving him trouble and his step kid hated his guts. He's had the same problems we do. It's so easy to sit there, but the bigger the piece of shit the truck is, the better the joke. But now that I'm kidding about it, I'm not really kidding about it. Right? Sure. Ellen is miserable right now. They are.

[D]

Everyone's miserable to a certain extent. We all have something that's bugging us, you know? And I think when you said working on yourself and narcissism, like, where does it. It, like, stop? Every time I work on something and I think I have it solved, some other problem comes up. It's just the circle. It's like you think you're all evolved, and then, you know, your mother starts misbehaving, and you have to, you know, work on your relationship with her. And then it's like, oh, dating. I got to figure out how to date at 53, you know, so there's always going to be something, but it's just like kind of the next challenge. And that's why I'm glad my career takes care of itself. I get to do my shows and get the hell out and then work on this other stuff with a bit of a sense of humor.

[B]

I'm trying to think of, you know, there's a handful of people that have basically just made their bones. You know, I don't know. Jim Gaffigan comes to mind where the guy plays big arenas and sells tickets and sells some books, too. But basically he's a stand up, you know, that's his.

[A]

Brian Regan.

[D]

I was just gonna say Regan too.

[B]

That's his job. And then there's a lot of other people that are using their television show as a platform to get dates, you know, blah, blah, blah, or vice versa. Whatever, whatever's going on. But there's a handful of true comedians out there. Joe Coy, oh, he's terrific.

[A]

But he's, he is. 99% of what he does is stand up, it seems like.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And that. And I don't know, I, you know, we should ask him if he wants to do anything else insulting.

[A]

According to Lisa.

[D]

Say it nicely. He'll take it the right way.

[B]

But there's just a handful of pure comedians and Lisa Lampanelli is one of them. All right, let's do a little news. Let me give a little love to DraftKings first. Ah, my listeners winning huge cash at DraftKings.com, america's favorite one week fantasy football site. No season long commitment. Play whenever you want. Injured players. No problem. It's a new season every week. Bald, how are you hanging? Good.

[A]

The Monday night games are. The game is wrapping up. People tweet me when they win. When they win big. One guy entered the Millionaire contest. He didn't win a million. He won 50 bucks in the millionaire contest. This other guy turned 20. Craig turned 20 bucks in a 200. So your listeners are in fact winning big.

[B]

You can get free entry into the $100,000 contest this weekend. First place takes home 10 grand. DraftKings.com Dawson, head to DraftKings.com now and enter code ADAM to play for free. DraftKings.com Bigger events, bigger winnings, bigger millionaires. Enter Adam for free entry [e-mail] that's DraftKings.com all right, so we do a little news with Allison Rosen. Yes, let's the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. At all the Sun, Alison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it Cut. It's Allison. Allison.

[C]

Big Huge day for gay marriage in the U.S. the Supreme Court unexpectedly cleared the way for a dramatic expansion of gay marriage by rejecting appeals from five states who are seeking to preserve their bans.

[B]

Huh? I didn't hear any. Oh, what the fuck? I wasn't listening. I was working all day.

[A]

They were singing that from the rooftops in Gardena.

[B]

Really? Not a huge gay font. Just judged by the. Some of the. Some of the stucco. Just the hue on some of the stucco out there. Probably not a huge gay. Not gay approved over there in Gardena. No. No.

[C]

So this effectively makes gay marriage legal in 30 states.

[D]

All right?

[C]

And challenges are pending in the other 20 states because.

[B]

Just get the Every. Let's give every gay get married. Everybody gets a bag of pot when you turn 18, and let's get on with it, please.

[D]

Don't you think, though, they should legalize gay marriage and then the next day outlaw gay divorce?

[B]

Fuck you.

[D]

You want it, you got it, bitches.

[A]

Careful what you ask for.

[D]

Yeah, there you go. You're stuck.

[C]

The states directly affected by what happened today are Wisconsin, Indiana, Oklahoma, Utah, and Virginia. And then couples in six other states should be able to get married soon, since the. They'll. These other states, which I'm about to say are bound by the same appellate rulings, and that would be Colorado, Kansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia, and Wyoming.

[B]

All right. I spent my entire adult life talking about pot and gay marriage. Those are the two things. Just legalize everything, and let's get on with it, and we'll get on to whatever the problem in our society everywhere.

[D]

I mean, anywhere. I know. I drove through Denver and their dispensaries.

[B]

And things like that. My mom was, like, a very early hippie, and she had a big pot plant in her backyard for a while until I showed it to my friend Hamid, and it was gone the next day. I never put the two together, but I did later on in life. This literally, like, pulled up from the root, just popping. Just gone. It was a lot of talk back in the day when they were smoking their weed with Happy and Sunshine and Zorbak and Axis and all her hippie fucking friends. And then you smash cut to, like, 40 years later, and we're still having the same fucking argument and the same people. I've always said this. Whoever smokes pot, smokes pot, and whoever doesn't smoke pot doesn't smoke pot. And I don't think any of that's gonna change. I really don't. And let's just get the fuck on with our Lives. And whether it's gay marriage or pot, let's just focus. Let's work the opposite of Lieutenant Governor Gavin Newsom and say, let's work big to small. Let's focus on kids. Let's focus on poverty and abuse and potholes and traffic and war and Al Qaeda and ISIS and everything else. And then you slip potholes into that list. Potholes? Well, for me. Well, I drive on a 30 Series tire.

[A]

Okay, well, there you go.

[B]

So, look, profile tire. So I can dent my titanium rims quite easily. The point is this. We can argue over this when we solve the real problem. Who gives a shit?

[D]

Well, abortions, the same way. Isn't it just the way it keeps popping up all the time? Like, who cares? Cut the kid out.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

I mean, that's always popped up during an election. It's just like, when is that issue going to be put to bed? Like, it's your emotional issues.

[C]

It's so sad. Capital punishment.

[D]

So we're civil rights and it's obvious we made a mistake with that.

[B]

Yeah, well, that's the problem. No, it's like, for me, like, the capital punishment thing is, like, everyone tweeting me that Van Der Sloot shit out a kid from the joint, you know? And I just think you want this guy procreating from inside prison. Like I want Van Der Sloot killed just because of his name. Vandersloot. Yeah.

[A]

Horrible.

[D]

It's like James Vandersloot from Dawn's Creek.

[B]

You know what? You know what it is? It's the name of an 80s rich guy. Oh, yeah.

[D]

Like two guys.

[B]

That's right. Who pass a lot of judgment at the table. When the poor guy gets to come over to their mansion and eat. Oh, yeah. So, Jimmy, what does your father do? School teacher. Wasn't that quaint? They still have those? Remember when rich people used to be so fucking snobby? I loved it. Now they're just evil. Back then they were super snobby.

[D]

Yeah, like in Mystic Pizza.

[C]

I was just thinking about that.

[B]

New York Kids.

[D]

You were a girl. Girls love that movie. Yeah, that was fat, cheesy.

[C]

What happened to Annabeth Gish?

[D]

Nothing. That's the problem. I wonder what else she's working on. Let's call her ass.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Husky Julia Roberts.

[A]

Never saw it.

[D]

It was pretty sexy.

[C]

You never saw it? You consider yourself a film boss, right?

[A]

I've lost all credibility.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[D]

With that one. Omitting that one.

[B]

I don't know that Shannon. It was pretty. It was a darling. When it Came out, but I'm not sure if you would like it if he said, I feel like I was.

[A]

10, and I just didn't.

[D]

I don't think it holds up as well as Legally Blonde 2. That red, white and blue.

[A]

Red, white and blonde Bond.

[D]

See, at least you know that. Are you really a film buffalo? You know everything.

[A]

Yeah, we just talked about. I just reviewed Gone Girl or talked about Gone Girl on the show.

[D]

I have that book.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[D]

It looks too hard. It looks like it's long.

[B]

I think Charles Herman Wormfeld, the guy who directed the Hammer. My movie.

[A]

Legally Blonde Too.

[B]

Legally Blonde too was his last credit before. Nice. Yeah.

[C]

I haven't seen. Seen two. I did see the first one.

[D]

The first one's awesome.

[A]

Delightful movie.

[B]

Oh, I convey that to Charles when I see him next.

[D]

Your movie did great, right?

[B]

People liked it on the plane or the bus. People that saw it liked it, but was it. Yeah. Charles Herman Wormfeld. I love it.

[C]

Oh, he also worked on Stella.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

I thought you were goofing around.

[B]

That's true. No, I'm not goofing around.

[D]

And it's a Viper union.

[B]

Wait, wait.

[D]

I love the Facts of Life. That's your theme song?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, the last movie he directed was the Hammer. You killed his career.

[B]

I did.

[D]

Oh, man.

[B]

So notorious, you know?

[D]

That is so notorious.

[B]

No.

[C]

What's that?

[D]

That was the one. Tori Spelling's.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Like what show?

[C]

Remember he called him Dean Vandersloot?

[B]

Oh, yeah. What a weird way. Let's see his pictures.

[D]

Scroll down.

[B]

Oh, you want to talk about a guy who could wear a super tight T shirt and a scarf simultaneously?

[D]

There you go.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

He looks like Neil Brennan. A tiny bit.

[B]

He can legally be married in almost any state. I'm not kidding.

[D]

Come on, look at him.

[B]

I'm not kidding.

[D]

He supes cute. Look at him, honey, with his twink boyfriend.

[B]

So cute. This is what's insane. When people are like, you know, Adam's a homophobe. You're just always running. I got the. I got the gayest guy on the planet to direct my movie. Like, I. I can't work with him.

[D]

I would never think of you as a homophobe.

[B]

Oh, I'm thought of as a homophobe.

[D]

Just because of the man show. Because it was like gay jokes and stuff like that. Yet I'm a champion to the facts.

[B]

Yeah, look at you.

[D]

What happened there?

[B]

Say what you want because I don't.

[D]

Have a penis anymore.

[C]

It's interesting. Why is it that? Because if Adam said the same things you.

[D]

Because I'm a girl.

[C]

Is that's what it is, you think?

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. The homos enjoy it from a girl, but they can't take it from a straight guy. Thin skinned.

[C]

No, that makes sense.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Fags. Just kidding. That was Lisa, not Adam. Don't write a letter.

[B]

That's right. Please. All right, what's the one?

[D]

What else?

[B]

What else in the game?

[C]

Paul Revere of the Raiders died. And I probably written this up because I know that you.

[D]

What was his big hit? What was his.

[B]

Well, he did they Had Kicks, which is kicks just keep getting harder to find. Back when.

[D]

Do not know.

[B]

That song didn't mean shoes. That meant having fun.

[D]

Having fun.

[B]

And glad all these in. Glad all over.

[C]

He took a weird hungry good thing. Indian reservation.

[B]

Reservation was the shit long before Cher ever. Well, if we can find the songs.

[D]

Because I'll sing it.

[B]

It's as blow hardy a song as there ever has been created. I blame Billy Jack for this because.

[D]

Was he an Indian, this guy?

[B]

No, Tom Laughlin was not Indian either. But there was a time for like 15 minutes where everyone wanted to be Indian. There's a time, time after that when everyone wanted to be black. And then we all sobered up, said, you know what?

[A]

Yeah, we all look out.

[D]

Yeah, you know who I had him mixed up with was Gary Puckett in the Union Gap. But they did all that pedophile stuff like Young girl, get out of my heart. It was so gross. Oh, wasn't that disgusting?

[B]

Young girl, get out of my mind. My love for you is way out of line.

[D]

Better run girl, I'm gonna rape you.

[B]

You're much too young.

[D]

Yeah, that's great.

[B]

Gross. How old was this young girl, do you think?

[D]

I think she was 12. I mean, I'm just. I'm just speculating, but that's what I think.

[B]

Well, he told her to hurry home to her mother. And her mother wasn't living an assisted living environment. She was at home, you know, cooking.

[D]

That's gross. We have to look this up. Oh, there it is.

[B]

Get out of my mind. There's a great part at the end where he's like, you better get the out of here before I stick it in here. So gross. Pigtails.

[D]

Of a woman. Come on, listen to this part.

[B]

Well, evidently he's on to you. Yeah, you're old enough to give me love. And now it hurts to know this crew. Younger, get out of my mind. My love for you is way out of line. You're much too new. Younger we gotta go on a singing tour. Me and you.

[A]

Pigtails.

[B]

Lolita, you're just a baby.

[A]

Those diapers.

[B]

I like this part. Grown to be. This is greatest line, right? That come on look is in your eyes. Young girl getting in the bed. I'm just an old dude with a T. Girl, you better be. Oh, yeah. Please, no more help. Well, Jerry Puckett will be missed.

[D]

I wish he was dead.

[C]

He was 76 and he died of cancer.

[D]

Oh, well, then thanks for spoiling our fun. That was Paul Revere, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You guys know kicks. Give us some fine kicks. And you also know what was there other Hungry.

[C]

Good thing you'll know.

[B]

Good thing you know Hungry. I don't know. If you know hungry, you'll know. Good thing you'll know. Kick. And.

[D]

It'S not tambourine.

[B]

A lot of songs about like warning the young girls. Carpet ride last night. This is pre rambling like magic carpet ride. You guys know it yet?

[C]

Nope.

[B]

It'll. It'll come in and you'll know it.

[D]

Is this kicks?

[B]

Yeah, here it is. Okay, turn it up.

[D]

2, 3, 4.

[B]

Okay, there you go. Better get straight.

[D]

You just dedicated more time to Paul Revere than every radio station in the country.

[B]

Now we got good things. That's outside. Seems this world got you down. Feeling bad. You'll know this one too. Look at me. Give me the list. Gary of Paul Revere. Top. Top hits. His middle name was Revere, right? Yes.

[C]

His last name was Dick.

[B]

For real?

[D]

Paul Revere.

[C]

Dick name.

[D]

What was Gary Puckett's last name? Dick. I hate him right now. Is he dead?

[B]

No, I think Gary's still alive.

[A]

We talked to him back in the radio days, right?

[B]

Yeah, he told me he just finger blasted a 14 year old beach Boys.

[D]

It's an homage. All right, enough out of those guys.

[C]

Yeah. Not seeing all these dead Gary Puckett.

[B]

No, I think he's. I think he's. I think he's around. Pretty sure he's around. All right, let's see. Oh, you don't have to give me all what, just the 60s hits. Yeah, they had a lot of. They had a lot of hits.

[D]

I'm not your stepping stone. No.

[B]

Yeah, well, that was covered by everybody.

[D]

Oh, okay. There's Indian reservation was the big one. Yeah, I remember feeling sorry for Indians.

[B]

Give me the top. Give me the top 25 or top 40 hits. Gary, you can just put three of them on my screen. We'll figure it out. All right, let's do. Let's do one more, baby girl. Let's See? Yeah. Indian reservation kicks. Yeah, Good thing, you know? Humor me. I don't know. Hungry. I think I'm just like me. Anyway, Paul and his Raiders will be missing. All right, what is next?

[C]

A nurse in Spain became the first person known to catch Ebola outside the outbreak zone in West Africa. So that is why this is significant, because it's someone who caught it, not in the same place that everyone else is catching it.

[B]

What's going on in Africa? Like, you know, we got bees, and then they got killer bees over there. Like, why does everything have to be a killer over there? What's happening?

[C]

Organized flu.

[B]

Yeah. Like, why does everything get fucking supercharged and filled with creatine and just become. Yeah, it's like, well, this is the flu. But no, no, not from here. It kills you. Oh, that's a honeybee. That's. No, no, no. They're there. That kill you.

[D]

Do you think they're just making those things sound worse? Cuz you ever meet somebody who you go, oh, I found out there was a rape in my neighborhood. And the other one goes, no, I had a rape in my neighborhood. That was brutal. So, like, they just want to make it sound worse. I think black people just exaggerate.

[B]

Oh, man.

[D]

Just saying.

[B]

Just saying. I never thought about it that way.

[D]

Nobody ever does, Adam.

[B]

That's a problem. We're not going to get a bull eye.

[D]

No, we're not getting it. And if we do, we deserve it.

[B]

All right.

[D]

Just like Paul Revere died of Ebola today.

[C]

Her only symptom was a fever, but two tests confirmed the infection. I don't. I hope this doesn't jinx myself, but I don't have the Ebola fear that so many people seem to have right now. I just feel like we're not gonna get it.

[B]

No. And I. I don't wipe.

[D]

I don't wash my hands anymore.

[B]

I don't. I think the news is sort of the news that cried wolf. I think everyone is just going, oh, fuck it. Like, it's been a steady five years of, oh, my God, this is what's going on. And this is what's. Yeah, this is what's going on, and that's what's going on. And five years ago, everyone's like, oh, yeah, no. Oh, yeah, for sure. Like, don't travel. Like, oh. And now it's the exact opposite. If something actually posed a credible threat, we'd just be like, oh, fuck it.

[D]

Right?

[B]

We didn't listen the first 30 things you said. Like, there's too many news Agencies, which is what I've been saying. So they have to keep the content flowing so the non. News becomes news and this just becomes more of that.

[A]

Where's the American Ebola person?

[D]

No, she's Spain.

[B]

There's one. Was there one in Texas?

[A]

Oh, we're going to Texas on Friday.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah, I'm changing my tune.

[B]

That's right. That's right. We're going to be in San Antonio at the Charlene Boli or Bola. I don't even know what it is. Empire Theater that is coming up this Friday. Man.

[D]

Was there really one in Texas?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Wasn't it convenient, though, that it happened in the state where you happen to be playing so you could plug it so seamlessly? Yeah, that date, it didn't even look shoehorned in or anything.

[B]

It was good credit to Brian.

[D]

I hope they get it in Seattle so we could plug your name. Neptune Theater date November 22nd. I'm going to that 7:00pm yeah. Hey, are you still doing the. Hey, I'm adding 12 shows because I sold them out. Remember that whole routine?

[B]

No, as a matter of fact, that's Mike August and that's. I actually, I'm glad you brought that up because I. I've been going insane because I've been shooting a TV show, doing a podcast, did a. Finished an independent film, did a documentary. I've been so fucking. I work every weekend and I've been just going insane. And I was just talking to my assistant, Matt the Porcelain Punisher Fondelier, and he's like, well, you guys are going to Portland. You're doing two shows, and then you got your Mangria signing before that. And I remember that last year. Gary, do you have what that fucking Mangria signing looked like before the show? 400 people showed up to this liquor store before we did the two shows. And then we drove to Seattle and did another. I did another signing, and then we did two shows in Seattle. And then Mike said, well, so two shows in Portland Friday with the signing Friday, two shows in Seattle, and then this Mangria signing before. And then he said, when you come back on Sunday, you're going to Hooters downtown and doing a live show. And I said, why? Why? Why are we going Hooters? And then it's like, oh, Mike has it on the schedule. And I'm like, do I have to work every fucking day, every weekend? Like, what ends up happening is people just look at your schedule and go, oh, you're not doing anything on this Sunday. Evening. Like. Yeah, I worked the last nine Sundays. Yeah, but what about this evening? All right, put. Shovel something into that open. There's an opening. Put.

[D]

That's terrible.

[B]

Something into that. So I said, fuck that.

[D]

You got to recover one day a week. You need one day where you do nothing. But still, you'd be flying in. And that's the thing.

[B]

We'll be flying in from Seattle and then going out that night. So nothing against Hooters. We'll be back. But I said reschedule that Sunday night thing. Wait, did you find that, Gary? Are you looking for it? All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[C]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[B]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. I'll tell you something. Something Lisa Lampanelli can approve of. Nature box, baby. Free snacks. Good snacks. It's one of these things where some of it tastes. You know, there's the stuff that tastes good and then it's bad for you, and then the stuff that just tastes like styrofoam packing peanuts, but it's good for you. Naturebox is good. This stuff is good. No artificial flavors or colors, no artificial sweeteners, zero trans fats, no high fructose corn syrup. But it's. It's good stuff. And the reason you know it's good is they drop it off here and then it just gets devoured. It gets taken mouse and stuff got dropped off and it just.

[C]

They snatch my box.

[B]

They snatch your box. They snatch your nature box.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

They pass it around. Let's get ourselves some nature box. And you can try it out for free. And you tell me how good this stuff is. You can try it. And they got five of the most popular snacks and you can try it out for free. You can go to naturebox.com Adam naturebox.com Adam and you can try all five of them free. Stay full. Stay strong, my friends. Start snacking smarter. Naturebox.com Adam For a free trial. Yeah, Gary, that was the one where the professional photographer gave the chip to Mike and then Mike lost the chip. And I don't know, you can probably go to corolladrinks.com if you want to find. But it was a endless line of people that we had to get through in a very short period of time to then get to the theater to then do the two shows. And then in between each show is the signings with the. There is. You can. What Mike does is he just holds his cell phone over his head and walks through the store and he walks out the door. There's my one black fan. Good, good, good. I bring him with me to every gig. And then he walks out the door and then he turns left and he goes down the sidewalk. And yeah, they're killer fans in Portland, but you gotta shake hands with every single one of those people. And they wanna talk, and they wanna talk. And they got an idea for a game show. Oh, sure, reality show. And then you got to do the.

[D]

Show and they all have to tell you, you should have won the Apprentice. Because that's all I keep getting. It's like, you should have won. And you have to say, but I didn't want to because then I have to be on longer. Oh, my God. You have, I will say, some highly unattractive fans.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

I mean, I love. God love them. They pay money, but wow.

[B]

Ouch. Their money's pretty damn handsome. It is.

[D]

It is.

[B]

Lisa Lampanelli, everybody. What you do is you go to her website, insultcomic.com. that's insultcomic.com I. Speaking of, Mangria are going to be signing its specs in San Antonio coming up on October 10th. That'll be before the show, everybody, so come say hi. And until next time, the Sanprolo for le Lisa Lampanelli, Allison Rosen and Ball Brian saying mahalo. They snatched my box.

[A]

All right, this is Adam Cool Show 1426 with Lisa Lampanelli from 2014. That does it for today's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, follow up and get.

[B]

Sam.