Seth Green + Ben Shapiro (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics): Seth Green + Ben Shapiro (October 26, 2025)

Episode Overview

This “Carolla Classics” episode features highlights from two classic Adam Carolla Show episodes from 2013, spotlighting interviews and conversations with actor/writer Seth Green and political commentator Ben Shapiro. The episode is a mix of Adam’s trademark comedic rants, reflections on culture and society, behind-the-scenes Hollywood stories, debates on politics and social issues, and some lighter fare covering sports, parenting, and even toilet paper etiquette. The tone is irreverent, direct, and comedically combative, capturing the essence of the show’s enduring appeal.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Mangria, Touring, and Los Angeles vs. Utah

[01:22 – 13:19]

• Adam enthusiastically recounts touring with his brand Mangria, noting the staggering volume of signed bottles sold in Las Vegas and Salt Lake City.
• Describes the chaos and efficiency of his business manager Mike August, painting him as a “money-making animal.”
• Segues into a comedic roast of Mike August’s appearance, comparing him to k.d. lang and Fred Ward.
• Reflects on the stark differences between Utah and Los Angeles—Utah being clean, polite, and community-oriented versus LA’s self-absorption and filth.
  • Quote (Adam Carolla, 09:00): "Utah is the past and LA is the future. Present and future, like LA is where we’re heading. Everyone’s a self-absorbed dick and everything’s trashy."

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2. Celebrity Lookalikes, Parenting Anecdotes & Behind-the-Scenes in Showbiz

[13:20 – 24:00]

• The hosts and guests compare themselves and each other to various celebrities, playing up insecurities and inside jokes.
• Adam shares a personal, comedic story about his daughter being cast as a “flying cow” in an ice-skating version of The Wizard of Oz.
• Discusses working on a new movie script and launching a Kickstarter, involving friends like Bryan Cranston and Seth MacFarlane. Shares the frustrations with film tax credits driving Hollywood work out of Los Angeles.
  • Quote (Adam Carolla, 14:29): "Seth MacFarlane and Bryan Cranston, they live right here... they're going from New Mexico to Canada to drop off a bunch of sacks of money that could have been here."

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3. Parenting Styles: Kimmel vs. Carolla

[18:32 – 22:35]

• The crew contrasts the nurturing, supportive Kimmel household with Adam’s own disconnected, cynical upbringing.
• Adam tells a story about Jimmy Kimmel’s generosity with his children, leading to a comedic parental negotiation over gifted money.

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4. Sports, Pop Culture, and Lowbrow News

[23:51 – 41:18]

• Dave Dameshek gives a “number one sports” update, focused on college basketball’s Final Four and the buzz around Louisville’s Kevin Ware’s compound fracture.

• Extended riff on America’s morbid desire to watch gruesome content contrasted with Adam’s avoidance of disturbing imagery.

  • Quote (Adam Carolla, 25:32): "I got enough going on in my mind. I’ve watched enough, you know, World War footage and Hitler’s henchmen... What do I need more negative imagery for?"

• Absurdity of anti-poaching billboards at airports, questioning the effectiveness of such messaging.

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5. Movie Review: "G.I. Joe: Retaliation"

[51:07 – 54:51]

• Regular segment “Baldiwood”: Brian reviews “G.I. Joe: Retaliation.”
• Surprisingly positive review given low expectations and the franchise’s history.
  • Quote (Dave Dameshek, 53:14): "I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but G.I. Joe: Retaliation was a pretty good movie."

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6. Seth Green Interview: "The Story of Luke," Creativity, and Childhood

[40:30 – 49:00]

• Seth discusses his role in the indie drama "The Story of Luke," centered around a young autistic man trying to integrate into the adult world.

• Explains why he took the part—praising the script and its authenticity due to personal connections of the writer/director.

• Panel riffs on Hollywood’s obsession with standing out versus the heartfelt desire of people with disabilities to just be treated “like everyone else.”

  • Quote (Seth Green, 47:12): "It makes you, it forces you to be more creative. I think stimulus is important, but you can’t only have stimulus... you then just become a customer."

• Seth shares stories of his unique childhood: frequenting auditions in NYC, filming in Montreal at age eight, being a driven and sometimes “marginally irresponsible” kid.

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7. Group Discussion: Celebrity, News, and Desensitization

[61:12 – 68:51]

• Adam and Seth tackle the Chris Brown/Rihanna saga, the “none of our business” factor vs. public concern.
• The group discusses society’s fascination with celebrity relationships as a distraction from society’s actual, larger problems.
  • Quote (Seth Green, 67:10): "Don’t you think that’s why we all have become consumed with celebrity in the last 10 years? It’s easier to talk about than stuff that is, you know, huge and insurmountable and faceless."

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8. Toilet Humor: Public Restroom Grievances

[71:37 – 77:02]

• Extended and hilariously detailed group riff on shared struggles with public restroom amenities: toilet paper, seat covers, poor hardware design.
• Seth and Adam swap tips and confessions about adapting to (and subverting) poorly designed bathroom paraphernalia.

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9. April Fools’ Day, Family, and Hollywood Weirdos

[85:07 – 86:41]

• Seth shares a failed April Fool’s prank story with Sharon Osbourne on "The Talk."
• Discussion on how true oddballs and Hollywood eccentrics (Gary Busey, Phil Spector) are immune to the “gotcha” nature of April Fools.

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10. Ben Shapiro Interview: Political Tactics, Identity Politics & American Culture

[132:11 – 148:09]

• Shapiro, Adam, and the crew debate the prevalence and power of political correctness. Claim the “left” has shifted from policy debates to personal attacks (e.g., using racism allegations politically).
  • Quote (Ben Shapiro, 141:52): "The defense to ‘I’m a racist’... is no, you’re a racist for using the word racism to describe my policy on voter ID, which has nothing to do with race."
• Shapiro argues that left-leaning politicians and media figures frame every policy debate in moral terms, painting conservatives as “bad people.”
• Adam and Ben discuss the paradox of Jewish-American voting patterns, the pitfalls of identity politics, and media messaging.
• Reflection on how American culture stacks up globally regarding racism (“we act like we invented it, but we're actually among the least racist countries”).

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11. Reflections on Stereotypes, Sports, and Tribalism

[150:04 – 154:07]

• The group pokes fun at their own ethnic and social biases, using sports allegiances and pop culture as analogies for how tribalism lingers but can be overcome by values or personal connection.
• Debates on whether America is truly the “melting pot” or has become more of a “fruit salad.”

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12. Rapid-fire News, Pop Culture Debates, and More Rants

[154:08 – End]

• Coverage of pop culture and oddities: Beyoncé’s Super Bowl halftime photos, SNL hosts, celebrity appearances.
• Rich discussion of mundane annoyances (e.g., restaurant restroom signage, ceiling fan design) that turn into comedic bits.
• Adam riffs on teaching at a “hippie school” and surreal field trips (visiting post-shootout crime scenes).
• Ends with a series of light, meandering debates and signature sign-offs.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Utah is the past and LA is the future... LA is where we’re heading. Everyone’s a self-absorbed dick and everything’s trashy."
  (Adam Carolla, 09:00)

• "It’s really weird—all the autistic kids... don’t want to be treated or looked at as different than everyone else. And then all the people with no disorder who are douchebags want to be looked at as super special and different than everyone else."
  (Adam Carolla, 43:23)

• "I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but G.I. Joe: Retaliation was a pretty good movie."
  (Dave Dameshek, 53:14)

• "Don’t you think that’s why we all have become consumed with celebrity in the last 10 years? It’s easier to talk about than stuff that is, you know, huge and insurmountable and faceless."
  (Seth Green, 67:10)

• "The defense to ‘I’m a racist’ is no, you’re a racist for using the word racism to describe my policy on voter ID, which has nothing to do with race."
  (Ben Shapiro, 141:52)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Mangria/Liquor Store Tour & LA vs. Utah: 01:22 – 13:19
• Hollywood, Family Anecdotes, and Kickstarter Talk: 13:20 – 24:00
• Parenting Styles (Kimmel vs. Carolla): 18:32 – 22:35
• Sports and Kevin Ware Injury Discussion: 23:51 – 41:18
• Movie Review (“Baldiwood” G.I. Joe): 51:07 – 54:51
• Seth Green Interview (“Story of Luke”): 40:30 – 49:00
• Chris Brown/Rihanna, Celebrity Culture: 61:12 – 68:51
• Restroom Humor / Social Observations: 71:37 – 77:02
• Ben Shapiro Interview & Culture Wars: 132:11 – 148:09
• Tribalism and American Identity: 150:04 – 154:07

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Takeaways

• The episode oscillates between hilarious observational comedy about daily life and sharp debates about politics, culture, and American society.
• Seth Green and Ben Shapiro bring thoughtful perspectives, with Green diving into storytelling and the creative process, and Shapiro delivering incisive critiques of media and politics.
• The original tone is frank and conversational, frequently veering into playful mockery and self-deprecation.
• The show’s layered format—covering everything from toilet paper to tribalism—gives both diehard fans and new listeners a taste of the Carolla “classics” formula.

Transcript

[Seth Green]

Oh, the car from Carvana's here.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, will you look at that. It's exactly what I ordered. Like precisely. It would be crazy if there were any catches.

[Seth Green]

But there aren't, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's how car buying should be with Carvana. You get the car you want, choose delivery or pickup, and a week to love it or return it. Buy your car today with Carvana Deliver. Your pickup fees may apply. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven day return policy at Carvana.com welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Dave Damashek]

This is the podcast where we play.

[Adam Carolla]

The best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a dedicated podcast feed just for Corolla Classics available through podcast one. Sign up and get access to the commercial free archives. If you'd like to find ad free archives of the Adam Corolla show, the Adam Dr. Drew show, or exclusive access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam.

[Dave Damashek]

Corolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com and if you'd like.

[Adam Carolla]

To request a clip, please email us.

[Dave Damashek]

Classics adamcorl.com all right, let's get to.

[Adam Carolla]

The clips Coming up first we have.

[Dave Damashek]

Adam Carolla show 1047 with the great Seth Green, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, bald Brian. Oh my God. Back's killing me from setting hobos on fire. Good day, Dave Damaschek, Ace Carolla.

[Ace]

The pleasure is all mine. And mazel tov on the massive sales I saw in two very different cities. Salt Lake City, Utah, Las Vegas, Nevada. So close on the map and yet so far apart.

[Adam Carolla]

Philosophically, yes. Everyone toast a little white mangria available as we speak. We did not have it. It's delectable. Like I said, I like going the 5050 with the white and the red. But we didn't have it with us. Mike August is a maniac. As James Baby Doll Dixon said today, there's only one of him. And that's probably good because we were in Vegas. We were in Salt Lake City. Boy, people like booze. They like Booze a lot. 53 cases we went through in Vegas at a liquor store, a bottle at a time. Basically I signed 600 bottles, three or four people bought cases, and I would pull three or four bottles out of the case and drop them back in. I didn't. Some of the cases I Signed every bottle that was in the case. But basically the count was 53 plus 53 cases. And every single bottle got signed by me, essentially. So that's what I was doing on Friday afternoon. Mike August was, he had Matt load a duffel bag, one of my racing duffel bags, emptied it out, loaded, filled it with books, Mangria glasses and Mangria T shirts. And we dragged it on the Southwest flight. We had to carry it together like a gay couple. He took one handle, I took the other handle. So sort of like when you have your three year old nephew and you and your girl are caring and they're doing it wee like scuba. There's £80 worth of books, T shirts and Mangria glasses. He has everything laid out on the table. He's simultaneously taking pictures with people with a line that just zigzags through this huge store and selling them. Mangria, like making change with his toes, using his toes up to his change belt and handing people and taking pictures with their camera phones. He just stands there like some sort of money making animal who never tires for two and a half hours, just taking pictures, never going like, ugh, my back or hey, can I get a water or something? Just nope, nope, nope, that's all he does. 53 cases were gone through.

[Ace]

Mike August, in case you're not familiar, looks like a puffier faced Katie Lang. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel pointed out many moons ago.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's pretty good. No, no, no, that was me. Oh, it was. Oh, of course.

[Ace]

Oh, I stand incorrect.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he looks like K D Lang meets Fred Ward, actor Fred Ward. The great actor Fred Ward.

[Dave Damashek]

Some kind of car accident.

[Adam Carolla]

When you show, when you see Fred Ward and you see Katie Lange, you put them together, you'll get Mike August. So then off to Salt Lake City where they only ordered 15 cases. And we said, you better do better than that because you're going to run out. They ordered 25 cases and they're out in about 40 minutes. And then Mike, because Mike's Mike, one lady at the end of the line. Now, the last 80 people I signed autographs for had no Mangria bottle in their hand because they ran out. But the last lady did and Mike said very suspiciously to her, where'd you get that bottle? And she said, I bought it off a guy in a parking lot. And he said, how much you pay for it? And she said, 40 bucks. And it went, shit, $40. Really? Like somehow the idea that he wasn't kissed in on that transaction, that he couldn't wet his beak for 5% of that 40 bucks.

[Dave Damashek]

You won this round.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So somebody basically bought two or three bottles and was out. They're probably leaving. I don't think they're out soliciting in the parking lot.

[Ace]

That's a constant craving for money.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a callback.

[Ace]

Katie Lang, everybody.

[Ben Shapiro]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll find Fred Ward. We'll find Katie. Katie Lang. So that was good. Utah's unbelievable. Salt Lake's beautiful. Beautiful. And it's cleaner than shit. First off, you realize what a piece of shit LA is and how dirty and filthy it is with the. I mean, it's not like, you know, oh, yeah, graffiti's everywhere and weeds are everywhere, but it's filthy. Like, these other towns are just clean. Sidewalks are clean. You know, all the sort of areas between the highway and the sidewalk. All those kind of. Like, there's little la, and every town has these little no man's lands. It's not your lawn, it's not the street, it's not the alley. It's the back part. It's the little patch between the two stores. It's sort of a. It's a demilitarized zone. Like, it's. Who owns that land? Who takes care of that?

[Allison Rosen]

Is that like an unincorporated plot of something?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Like, is that the apartment building owners? Is that his responsibility? Is that the city's. And in la, they're all just filled with sofas and dirt and just shit. Like, they're all shopping carts and shit.

[Dave Damashek]

You remember how close I live to the freeway, to the 10 Freeway. They're all over my neighborhood. There's little pockets of, like, ivy that I'm like, they're kind of locked, but they're kind of not. It's like, who owns that? Who's in charge of that? Who cleans that?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. In other cities, they're taken care of by the human beings that live in that city. And thus it doesn't add up and make the city look like shit. So Utah, spotless, sparkling, spectacular. And everyone's friendly as shit. Everyone's just. How you doing? Good to see you. Great to see you. Come on in. Like, super friendly. And then I realized we're not only ugly, but our personality's as ugly as we are. We're really okay now.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. You need a picture. Fred Ward. You need another picture of Fred Ward, number one. And you got a picture of Mike August from 1993. Nine.

[Ace]

Wow. I mean, he's 80% KD, the KD. There's just a sprinkling Of Fred Ward.

[Allison Rosen]

Looking at looks more like Mike August than that Mike August.

[Adam Carolla]

We're looking at Fred Ward with a very unfred Ward haircut. And we're looking at Mike August from his college yearbook or something.

[Dave Damashek]

Do we need a younger KD too? Do we need hit making KD or is this okay?

[Adam Carolla]

You can keep Katie if you like and go a little younger on the kd. We need, we need, always need the pictures that best represent our stories.

[Ace]

Very quickly, who do you get, Ace? Who are all the people everybody's compared to somebody famous?

[Adam Carolla]

I have retarded Pete Sampras. That's all I got.

[Seth Green]

That's right.

[Ace]

That's a pretty good one.

[Adam Carolla]

Ball Pete Sampras with Down syndrome.

[Dave Damashek]

When I had hair I was a dead ringer for. Was it the one Jim Carrey played Man of the Moon Caillou in Man of the Moon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Taxi.

[Ace]

Yeah, Jim Carrey. No, no, no, the other guy. Andy Kaufman.

[Adam Carolla]

Andy Kaufman.

[Ace]

Allison.

[Ben Shapiro]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what's weird is I don't get celebrities a lot, but people tell me I look just like someone they know. But there is one person that I used to get. Sofia Coppolo and Godfather 3.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, I buy that. So as I was thinking, I was skipping my rope tonight. I was thinking about Utah and I thought, what's so different about Utah? And why are they so nice? And then what's going on over in Utah? And then why are we such assholes? And then I just realized, people go, oh, they're nicer over there or something like that. Or Midwest or something. Or the west. And they're nicer. But then I just realized, you know what it is? Utah is the past and LA is the future. Present and future, like LA is where we're heading. Everyone's a self absorbed dick and everything's trashy. Yeah, no, well, we do fashion, music. I mean, think about la. Think about all the stuff. Think what LA is. It's the tip of the spear. We're on the vanguard of everything. We get to places faster. They are. All right, remember, the machine knows if you're lying. First statement. Carvana will give you a real offer on your car. All online.

[Ben Shapiro]

False.

[Adam Carolla]

True. Actually, you can sell your car in minutes.

[Allison Rosen]

False. That's gotta be true again.

[Adam Carolla]

Carvana will pick up your car from your door. Or you can drop it off at one of their car vending machines. Sounds too good to be true. So true. Finally caught on. Nice job. Honesty isn't just their policy, it's their. Their entire model. Sell your Car today too. Carvana pickup fees may apply. Are probably what LA was in the 50s or 60s. That's just them. It's not really them and us. It's past and future. They represented the sort of old America we represent the new America where everyone has earbuds in and are total dicks.

[Allison Rosen]

Gridlock just hasn't reached them yet, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Gridlock and douche lock.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Has not reached them yet. They will be as self absorbed and as douchey and as dirty and as stupid as we are soon.

[Ace]

Yes, I listen. I will say that I find it not unlike. And by the way, Utah is beautiful. One of the great discoveries was driving from the Midwest to LA many moons ago and driving through Utah. Do yourself a favor, take the drive. It's wonderful. But anyway, I will say it's akin for me to when you meet a lot of college kids when you're there on an idyllic little campus and. And everyone is white faced and everyone is same. Basically that's what you're talking about is sameness, Utah. Everybody is essentially the same. There's not a lot of differentiation in personality and things become uncomfortable for people. It's easy to be very liberal and utopian in your frame of mind when everybody is the same as you. But when cultures butt up against each other, it doesn't make anybody wrong. It means that when there are different cultures, you in your face constantly, it creates conflict and that's as old as mankind's history.

[Allison Rosen]

Shut up.

[Ben Shapiro]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

True or no? No. Yeah, listen. Yeah, they're lily white, but they're nicer than shit, they're cleaner than shit and I'll take it. All right, Come on. I need a good Fred Ward with a Fred Ward type haircut. I need a Mike August from this century and Katie, she's fine.

[Seth Green]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

My daughter is doing a lot of ice skating and she does the. Did the Christmas pageant and now she's going to be in the wizard of Oz. And had a moment with her that you cannot write, which is. She said, I'm going out, trying out for the wizard of Oz. I said, okay, good. Ice skating wizard, Oz on ice, you know. And I said, fine. And then as I was leaving for the show today, tonight, pulling down, they're pulling up, window rolled down. Daddy, Daddy. In the wizard of Oz. In the wizard of Oz. Ice skating wizard of Oz. I said, awesome. What role? I'm skimming through all the roles in my mind on the wizard of Oz. I said, what part you playing? She said, playing the part of a flying Cow. I said there's a flying cow. Yeah. In the tornado sequence, there's a cow. There's a twister. That's a pretty meaty role.

[Allison Rosen]

But imagine the kind of skating that has to happen to be a twister. Twisting cow.

[Adam Carolla]

She's probably part of a. She's playing debris. She's playing debris. Well, livestock debris. She doesn't really spin.

[Ace]

Well, that's not easy to do on skates. I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, like, when they give the TiVo description of a show and they name the three or four actors, and then I don't know if flying. The guy who played the flying cow makes it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, exactly. I was wondering who played the cow in the original.

[Adam Carolla]

Is she excited, though? She's excited. Until I left, I could not stop my laughter. All right, can you. Do you have a picture of Fred Ward where he doesn't possess facial hair? Thank you. All right, it's coming. There you go. All right, we're getting there.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. All right, now, does Mike August realize this is who he looks like, or is he one of those people who's like, oh, I don't see it.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, listen, the very first time I met Mike August and the very first time I met James Baby Doll Dixon, I said, you look like Katie Lange with a sprinkling of Fred Ward. And you to Baby Doll, you look like Karen Allen. I never heard. You never heard Karen Allen.

[Ace]

That's pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you gotta find me a good Baby Doll Dixon and a good Karen Allen. Karen Allen. Boy. Let's see what movie's about. Brian.

[Dave Damashek]

Raiders of the Lost Stark and the most recent.

[Ace]

Starman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't she in Animal House? Or was that somebody else?

[Ace]

Is that Animal House Boone's girlfriend?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so she's going to be playing a cow in a movie on Ice. On Ice had another interesting thing. Couple good things I told some of you. Hard at work on my next movie script, and we're going to do the whole Kickstarter thing and all that. I talked to Bryan Cranston and Seth MacFarlane, and I got them down for my Kickstarter project. So more news coming on that, but it's going to be good.

[Allison Rosen]

What does that mean if they're down for a Kickstarter project?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's going to be kind of a fun thing, and I don't want to step on the joke, but I can just tell you. I can tell you this, that I spoke to Bryan Cranston and I said, it's perfect. By the way, if you want to know about just how LA and the tax base is doing. I talked to Cranston and I said, hey, I know you're in New Mexico now, spending money, shooting a show that was supposed to take place in Riverside, California, but you're in New Mexico now. I know you're wrapping up. When are you coming back? And he said, oh, no, going straight to, like, Toronto to shoot a movie. So all that LA talent now, Seth MacFarlane and Bryan Cranston, they live right here. They're going from New Mexico to Canada to drop off a bunch of sacks of money so that New Mexico and Canada can have a bunch of money that could have been here because we're just a little bit greedy. And they have to be thinking, Canada and Prague and New Mexico and Louisiana. Have to be thinking, please keep this retarded train rolling in la. Like, please keep gouging all this. It's gonna be the greatest windfall in the world for all these cities and states.

[Ace]

Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, it's been a boon to the economy there. Really has Batman and.

[Seth Green]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So they have to be thinking, keep going la. Like, let's get Democrat in that office. They're probably like, four more years with Villaragoza. I can't even believe. They're not even down here chanting, four more years.

[Dave Damashek]

Re election campaign.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, honestly, Pittsburgh backs Villaragoza. The whole world, literally. Prague backs Viragosa. Everybody, L.A. city Council, anyone who's here, sending. All right, that's a pretty good one. I need her hair darker.

[Ace]

That is really good. If you could do the hairdos on it.

[Adam Carolla]

I need a slightly younger. Slightly younger one. But yes, Karen Allen and James Baby Doll Dixon. So I said to. So there's this great moment where I said to Cranston, I said, oh, man. Going from New Mexico right to Toronto when shooting a movie. Gonna be gone for a few months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, is there any chance you're going to be back? And he's such a good guy. He said, I'll be back for a day or two. We'll just knock it out, you know, whatever. I said, what a mensch. So then I'm doing a Family Guy thing. All right, that's a little better.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. It's uncanny, the Karen Allen, babydoll Dixon resemblance.

[Adam Carolla]

So they have the same eyes, the same hair color, same, same teeth, same.

[Ace]

Smiles and mouth, and for Baby Doll Dixon, the same hairstyles as well in 1981.

[Adam Carolla]

So then I'm doing the Family Guy, and I go to McFarlane's side of the Building. And I go, where's Seth? And he's doing a table read, Something, something. I said, when's he back? Oh, he's back later this afternoon. Is he gonna be around for a while? No, he's going to New Mexico. I said, are you shitting me? Yeah, it's going Monday. I said, shit, he's gonna be in New Mexico and Krantz is gonna be in New Mexico. And then I said, wait a minute. Okay, I got an idea. I'm going to New Mexico. I'm gonna hop on a Southwest flight. It's 89 bucks. I'll go there. We'll knock both these things out. Cranston's leaving the day after McFarlane gets to New Mexico. So what the fuck kind of shitty New Mexican luck is this that one guy's showing up and the other guy's physically leaving? But they'll be back and we'll work on it. And then you could shoot it at the airport. I'll keep you guys posted on the new movie and the Kickstarter and all that kind of stuff. Got a pie from Jimmy's mom. Who's the nicest woman in the world and whose dad is the nicest. Dave, you'll back me up on this? The best, best people on the planet. Jimmy's parents.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yes.

[Ace]

Wonderfully nice people. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Ace]

Listen, they are the sorts of people, not unlike my own parents, I will say, who listen obsessively, watch obsessively. Their son has been on late night TV now for more than a decade. They watch every episode faithfully. They listen to all his radio shows, all the old tapes and everything else.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, really.

[Ace]

As we've discussed, Ace and I, ad nauseum. The exact opposite of Carolla's parents. It's a weird thing that you could wind up in the same place with either parents who care way too much and are way too supportive, or the exact opposite of that. And they land together doing The Man Show 25 years later.

[Adam Carolla]

That and Jimmy hates driving but loves Scrabble. Those are the other two things that's true. Favorite pastime is Scrabble and doesn't really like. Doesn't care for driving.

[Ace]

And his favorite sport is baseball and you can't stand the 162 game schedule.

[Adam Carolla]

So Joan baked me a pie and it's just the nicest human being on the planet. I spend every Easter with his family. My family. It's not even a. It doesn't even come up. I don't even know what they do. I don't know how it works.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there a Joel Kimmel in this?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. There's a John, there's a Joan, there's a Jim, there's a Jimmy, and that's it. I get them all. I told Joan Kimmel a couple days ago when we were standing around.

[Ace]

Jill is the answer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jill? Did I get oh, Jill? Yeah. No, I came up short, as I said it more than once. But as I told Joan mom Kimmel, the other day, when we were sitting around watching the kids search around for the Easter eggs and I was taking a pie off our hands, I said, you know, when I met your son, probably weeks after I met your son, I was talking about my buddy Ray and that he was one of these jack off families where they named the one kid was Rich Rob, Ronnie and Ray. And I said, please, how fucking pathetic can you get? And he said, I'll tell my sister Jill, my brother John and my mom Joan and my dad Jim. I mean, you can't plan for that shit, can you?

[Ace]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

How would you know? You're talking to not only a family that did that, but did it better than Ray's family. Because his mom, his dad was Gunther, and his mom was Irene. Like, they only had four. Kimmel said five.

[Ace]

I always think it's fascinating how much Kimmel is defined by the name Jimmy. If he had been Jim, I contend he would not be doing what he's doing. When you go through your teen years, you want to be grown up. Stop calling me Jimmy. Call me Jim from now on. Or James. No, he rode through the tough years and. And now he's a grown man named Jimmy. Don't you feel that this sort of lens, who he is, the perception that.

[Adam Carolla]

Is around the guy, there is no doubt he would be on a dock somewhere working a pallet jack this second if he went by either Jim or James. He knows it and so does the rest of the country.

[Allison Rosen]

So humble. He knows.

[Dave Damashek]

He was the funniest guy on that dock, but still, he's.

[Adam Carolla]

He gave both my kids $40 because he felt bad that Sonny was accused of stealing money. It is one of these things where you just. You picture yourself as kids with your parents, weirdo, super cheapo weird friends that didn't fucking give you anything. Or like, you know, my cousins, Vincent, Pat Bruno gave me a nickel for every year. And then I just see Uncle Jimmy just peeling off 40 bucks and giving it to Sonny. And then I say to Sonny, sonny, Sonny. No, you listen. Okay, thanks, Jimmy. Give 20 of that. Give 20. Well, give $4 to.

[Seth Green]

Give.

[Adam Carolla]

No, give 20 to Natalia. You don't get that $40. You gotta give 20 to Natalia. You can't keep the 40 yourself. And then Jimmy goes, oh. And then Natalia walks up and he just gives her 40 bucks. And I do the. I said if I was a better parent, I would get involved with this right now.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you gonna have him give $4 to someone as 10%?

[Seth Green]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

August. Yeah, the vig. Alright, what should we do? Hulu baby. Oh, Seth is here. Hulu Plus. Yeah, get that Sports Ray. Oh, and we got. What do we got? We got a little movie review too. Hulu, you watch him. TV shows anytime, anywhere. Current hit shows, Comedy Central, Fox, abc, NBC and more. Plus they run the classics and the critically acclaimed movies. And the original series is Watch Me on the man show. Not too scared to do that. Jimmy Kimmel, Live, Dancing with the Stars, Family Guy, Celebrity Apprentice. It's all there. All under one Hulu roof. And you watch on any device, your smartphone, tablet, or here's a novel thing, TV with your PS3 player, Xbox 360, Blu Ray, Roku Roku or your Apple TV. Just $7.99 a month. But my listeners are going to get a special extended free trial. Just go to huluplus.com adam or click on the hulu plus banner on adamcorolla.com all right, let's see. Let's do a little spore check.

[Ace]

All right, hit it. Balls.

[Adam Carolla]

It's time for Dave Dameshek's number one sports. Number one sports. Do it, Dave.

[Ace]

Hulu, you say Chichu Tamu and Lemieux went to Kukaroo with Gerard Depardieu to play a game of Clue while they were drinking Mountain Dew and eating Roku. Well, they were already at Kukaroo. Alright, never mind. Listen, baseball's underway. We'll have plenty of time to discuss that. We have 161 games left after all. So no reason to get excited or too low. Either way, whichever way your team has performed thus far. Let's talk about this Final Four, this college basketball. I'm a cynic about it. I don't like it. All this a four months worth of work to get to what? To these teams that nobody knows about, nobody cares about. What's the pleasure in that? It's cotton candy of sports. It tastes good, it's yummy. But who cares? Wichita State is in the Final Four. Wichita State, the fifth place team from the Big East, Syracuse is in the Final Four.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's what everyone loves, right? What's the love about it.

[Ace]

Like I say, it's fun, it's cute, but it's certainly not a gauge of who the best teams are. And of course, the big story of the last weekend, though, Louisville guard. Did you see Kevin Ware? I didn't think you would. I told everybody here when I came in. The producers informed me we have the clip ready for everyone's perusal. I said, I am sure. I don't know about the other people in the room. I'm sure, Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I forbid.

[Ace]

I want to say it.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. I want to look at more pictures of Fred Ward.

[Ace]

Top two or three worst sports things you'll ever see.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I was thinking about today as I was skipping some rope and they were talking about it and I knew they were going to show it. At some point I switched the channel. I thought, I don't want.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been dodging it all day too.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want any part of this. I got enough going on in my mind. You know, I've watched enough, you know, world war footage and, you know, Hitler's henchmen and all this kind of stuff. It's all up there somewhere. What do I need? More kicking around, more negative imagery? And then I thought, okay, I don't want to see it. And then I thought, who wants to see it? I mean, I understand when an airliner goes down, there's a sense of wanting to see it, A, because it's spectacular, but B, you kind of want to see what happened. This is a horrible injury. A compound fracture. I get it. I can see it. Or a version of it in my mind. I understand somebody severely injured.

[Allison Rosen]

This often because there's a lot of stuff that I won't see. But it's like people who will. I think there's a generation of people who will watch anything, almost just. I don't know if it's to desensitize themselves or to see if they can handle it. Like, have you ever seen a beheading online? No, no, I haven't either. But there are people who will watch that if it's available.

[Ace]

I hate it, but it's something that happened in a game and it's so mundane and it's upsetting. It's the car wreck thing on the freeway. I can't avert my eyes. I have to look at it and I want to see it.

[Adam Carolla]

I can.

[Ace]

I don't take pleasure in it, but I'm anxious to see it.

[Adam Carolla]

I will show you depressing. If you want to be depressed in a non graphic Way I. Gary, show me the picture of the rhino at the Salt Lake City Airport. If you want to know. Depressing. Dr. Drew was in the bathroom. I was sitting around and waiting for the baggage. This is in Salt Lake City at the airport. And I come up on this picture of a rhinoceros. It's lit up. It's a billboard. It's 3 foot by 4 foot sitting on top of the baggage carousel. I guess people gather there, so it's a little. Little space they can use. You can go in a little bit closer. Now. You got to pull in even. You got to blow it up even more. And I'm not sure how to do this, but it's a picture of a rhino straight on just shoulders and head with the horn prominently displayed in the foreground. And it says, I'm not medicine, and we'll blow it up. So you can read the text. I can't read it from here, by the way. It said, like, I don't cure headaches or cancer. No talk, no cocktalk, no Japanese cocktalk at all in the thing, which is, by the way, the rhino horn is taken. So let's see. At least one rhino is killed every day due to the mistaken belief that rhino horns can cure cancer and hangover. Again, no peckaroo talk in the whole mix, which bumped me already. Like, let's talk about the real problem.

[Dave Damashek]

Wait, is that true?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that it can cure cancer.

[Adam Carolla]

I got both. You can find out what I can do about [e-mail] Now I'm in Utah. I'm not going out there to bag some game. I'm not sure what I'm. First off. It's like, what I do when I fly to Kenya is I connect through Utah and I'll hang around the baggage claim for a while and I'll do some soul searching. Like, what the fuck? What percentage of people that are flying into Salt Lake City have seen a rhino any other place in the zoo or have poached or actively involved with the poaching game? Like, so I just realized there's literally hundreds of thousands of eyeballs that see this poaching poach rhino. And then I'm forced to think about some guy, some Kenyan guy with a hacksaw taking the rhino's tusk off the majestic rhino after it was shot for just its horn. But then I thought, how much of this do you see versus what is the positive impact of this? Like, is there a human being that has passed through the Salt Lake City airport that has seen this rhino sign and said, I gotta make a phone call. I got a couple guys in Kenya right now. Let me do the time difference. What is it, 14 hours? Shit. I think I can catch them before they leave on their poaching session. Cause I've. Here's first off what I contend. If poaching seems like a good idea to you, then the poster at the airport is not going to stop your. In which case we just have banners that said serial rapists, knock it off. Like, of course, if this worked, it'd be the great. First off, if you're into poaching, if you're into shooting majestic rhinos and then just taking hacks on, taking their horn off, putting on the black market so the guys in Japan can get a boner or get a little girth on their cock, I think that's kind of what you're into. I don't think the poster's gonna slow you down. You're aware it's illegal, right?

[Allison Rosen]

It's not like dilettantism, like, oh, maybe I'll do this just today, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So. And by the way, I don't know what would. I don't know. Drew said he was going to Salt Lake to do a show with me, but who knows what he did after the show. Could have won out to bag some big game in the wilds of Utah. I don't know. I don't know the topography. I don't know what their rhino population is. Their wild rhino population is. There's one less now, I'm guessing. I don't know if you can carry that on or how you get that back to la, but either way, they.

[Allison Rosen]

Put it in bags.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a pretty well connected guy. He's a doctor. So I just thought when you see this and when you see the compound fracture, it takes a little bit away from your soul. Like, you're forced to stand there. I was waiting for Drew's duffel bag, but I was forced to sit there and think about people shooting these things and then taking a hacksaw to their snout. Meanwhile, zero upside, because nobody has been positively impacted by the way Kenya and Utah could it get.

[Allison Rosen]

See, that's how I feel whenever I hear a horribly disturbing story or even a movie. If I don't see it, if I just hear about what happens and it's really upsetting. I feel like it took a little bit away from my soul.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Allison Rosen]

So people who are exposed to this all the time, how does it not affect them?

[Adam Carolla]

I cannot believe I was arguing with Dr. Drew about this on stage. And you can show me the back of my meter made mobile, which you've heard me complain about before. Another picture I took, I was arguing with Dr. Drew about this, saying, look, he's saying, adam, you are hypervigilant, so you absorb everything. Everyone else just tunes everything out. Well, first off, I don't want to live in a society where everyone is sort of forced to tune everything out because of all the negative imagery. And number two, I don't think you tune out negative imagery any more than you tune out secondhand smoke or exhaust fumes. You just. You may not be aware of it, but it's coming to you and you're ingesting it. It's like saying, I'm going to tune out this bad tap water. Well, not if you're drinking it, you're not. It's going to get in you. You may not be aware of it, you may just feel a little bit sluggish the next day.

[Ben Shapiro]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

But you are ingesting it. It's like saying, I'm gonna go outside without a shirt and tune out the sun. You're not gonna tune it out. It's there. You're absorbing it. You may not be thinking about the sun, you may be thinking about roofing, but you're getting a sunburn. The back of the LA parking enforcement has. There's no excuse for domestic violence. No human trafficking, Stop senior abuse and then watch the road. And by the way, I would argue the most terrifying message of all is parking. En. If you really look at what's written on the back of the bumper sticker, you can go to amcroll.com and look at it. By the way, you want me to watch the road?

[Ace]

You want me to look at the bumper sticker?

[Adam Carolla]

I have to sit there and think about human trafficking and senior abuse and domestic violence. And again, if in fact you are trafficking in human beings or have many friends that do it as either a hobby or a job or passion and. Or senior abuse. Like, if you just think it's a great idea to just backhand that old bag of bones. Cause you looked at your cross side. Do you think this bumper sticker's doing anything to slow those people down?

[Ace]

I'm gonna have to take a long look at the man in the rearview mirror. That's right, because this is bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, so now you've done nothing except for depress the shit out of me. Who's behind you. Now, about this. I went right from this to rhinos about ready to kill myself. Before I got on stage. All right, here we go.

[Ace]

Here's what depresses me, ace during this time, the basketball. Everybody's talking about the leg. This is what bums me out. Indiana University. I went there. Of course I would like to have seen much. My friends who are deeper fans at this point for the Hoosiers tried to put sav on their. On their emotional wounds by watching Hoosiers, the 1987 classic. But of course that movie doesn't sit well with me because it's what the March madness and what sports are all about. Listen to the last scene with Gene Hackman, AKA Coach Normandale talking to Jimmy Chitwood and the troops down one in the championship game. Listen to what happens here.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Here's what we're gonna do. Jimmy, they're gonna be expecting you to take a last shot. We're gonna use you as a decoy, buddy. You get the the ball. If the mer on the picket fence, he's going to take the last shot.

[Seth Green]

All right, let's go. What's the matter with you guys?

[Adam Carolla]

What's the matter with you?

[Ace]

I'll make it all.

[Adam Carolla]

Then what happens?

[Ace]

They give this guy, he's full of confidence, you see. He's a youngster. He's practiced. He knows he's great. He wants the ball, he asks for the ball. I'll make it, coach. They give him the ball and what's he do? He makes the shot and he's a hero for the rest of his life. You think that could ever happen to me? Here's what happens if the same scene happens, but instead of Jimmy Chitwood, it's Damoshek. Here's coach Normandale again.

[Seth Green]

Alright, let's go. What's the matter with you guys?

[Adam Carolla]

What's the matter with you?

[Seth Green]

Are you.

[Ace]

You looking at me?

[Ben Shapiro]

No.

[Ace]

Don't look at anybody but me, Coach Dale, don't. Don't give me the ball. Even give it to the midget if you want to.

[Ben Shapiro]

I don't care.

[Ace]

Anybody but Damshek. I don't have a chance in hell of making that shot, coach. And that's how it would have gone. And I hate Jimmy Chitwood for it. And everybody else who comes through in the clutch because I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

That's it. Are you giving yourself the blaster?

[Ben Shapiro]

Well, actually.

[Ace]

Well, we did transit. We didn't have properly transition into creep of the week. Get into it real fast for me, Bald. This is quick 1A. Creep.

[Allison Rosen]

Creep.

[Adam Carolla]

Creep of the week. Of the week.

[Ace]

He or she is the creep of the week. Did anybody notice that in 2013? Maybe this is a new thing to me. I bawled about it in the malls. All of a sudden now it's not enough. The Santa Claus take a picture around the holidays now in the malls for the month leading up to Easter, Easter bunnies everywhere. Now you're supposed to stand in line again. Four months, three months removed from doing it once with your kids. Now you have to do it a second time with the Easter Bunny. We must put a stop to this before it really gets out of hand and we start having to take pictures with the Leprechaun for St. Patrick's Day. Climbing up into a tree. It's Cesar Chavez Day. I don't know who Cesar Chavez is, but I wouldn't want to have to submit my children two days in a row to the picture taking. But I don't care for this labor.

[Adam Carolla]

Great pickers. Labor guy.

[Ace]

Is that what he did?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he organized labor for the grape pickers out here in la.

[Ace]

Is it in la?

[Adam Carolla]

California?

[Dave Damashek]

Central Valley, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, somewhere. But he took the Hispanic workers, organized them and made labors out. I remember my mom was like, oh, grape boycott. There's a big grape boycott. She was very down with it in the 70s. And I'm like, well, you've been boycotting shrimp, all forms of seafood, lots of seasonal fruit, cars that were less than a decade old, and work. So let's just add this to our list. Happiness. Let's add it. Fitness. Let's. Supporting your children. Homework. Let's add it all.

[Allison Rosen]

Parenting.

[Adam Carolla]

Parenting. Let's all. Let's list it. Oh, box springs and bed frames. Let's put it Color tv, cable tv, air conditioning, central heat. Let's put it on a long list of things that Corollas have been boycotting. By the way, this is the least of my worries. The Grace family was a big deal to her that we had to boycott grapes back in the 70s.

[Allison Rosen]

Where did she get her information about what was going on in the world?

[Adam Carolla]

I would say it's a great question.

[Ace]

Because there wasn't some fringy news channel there.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if they had an LA Weekly or it was just her buddies who hung around like erwan Whole Foods or something. I know they sat at the bar drinking stuff out of hand, thrown pottery.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like those people are still there. They're the ones. They're at Whole Foods now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. She was basically fed the microwaves will kill you. Red meat's full of carcinogens, Everything's poison. White sugar, white flour. By the way, anything that started with the word white, ironically, anything that had the word white white in it was bad. She probably would have let you get by with sugar and or flour. But it was called white flour and white sugar. And that was horrible. And that was. It was all part of kind of a hippie. The man is trying to poison us. And let's boycott grapes. That was it. So we did. But not like we had grapes anyway. A little bit on the expensive side.

[Ace]

All right, so white grapes, the Easter bunny and that damn Jimmy Chitwood making that shot at the end of the game. You all combine to be the creep of the week. Taste the blaster.

[Ben Shapiro]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see. Seth Green is here. Dave Damaschek, by the way. Dave Dam Damashek football program. You can get it on itunes. You can check out the website NFL.comsheck and you can good stuff up there.

[Ace]

Right now, an animated thing. I'm driving around in a car with players these days. It's lots of fun.

[Adam Carolla]

You can shoot them a little tweet. Damachek. All right, Seth Green in studio next, right after. Ah, Seth Green in studio. Oh, I get it now. I like that. Good to see you, Seth.

[Seth Green]

Hi, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Always a pleasure.

[Seth Green]

Good to see you too.

[Adam Carolla]

The Story of Luke is the name of the movies Movie in theaters and on Video on demand Friday, April 15th winner of five prestigious film festivals. Let's talk about this for a second. How does it work with the video on demand and in theaters? And then what theaters are we talking about? And how do you find out what theaters it's in and if it's going to be near you?

[Seth Green]

There's a website and I'm pretty sure there's a Facebook.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, it's. Well, I'll tell you what. If they go to your website, will that work? Yeah, I bet it will. Seth greenonline.com and you can find out where the movie. The story Luke. So let's talk about the story Luke. How's it go? What's going on?

[Seth Green]

It's the story of an autistic boy who lived with a primary caregiver and was really insulated from the rest of the world and not really taught the differences between himself and everyone else. Just told that he was special.

[Adam Carolla]

Like that Jodie Foster movie where she was a feral child.

[Seth Green]

Talking about Nell.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm talking about. I know what you're talking about.

[Seth Green]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Do it by name.

[Seth Green]

He has a better control over the English language than she Did Awesome. So the guy's primary caregiver dies and he gets given over to his family and he just wants to do the things that a normal boy his age, like 25, 26, wants to do, which is meet a girl and get a job and have a life and be a man.

[Adam Carolla]

And is this. Are you Luke?

[Seth Green]

No. I play one of his bosses who's also on the autism spectrum. But because I've been raised amongst other people, I'm sort of. I've come to believe that the world is against me and my only purpose is to make normal people feel good about themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it a comedy? Is it a dark comedy?

[Seth Green]

There's a lot of comedic elements to it, but it's. It's pretty straight drama.

[Adam Carolla]

And who else is in it?

[Seth Green]

And an actor named Lou Taylor Pucci.

[Adam Carolla]

And did you. What. What's your role in the project? Other than having a role?

[Seth Green]

Just got to act in it? Yeah, I just got to act in it.

[Adam Carolla]

And how does that work? You get approached by somebody and how do you know whether you want to do it or not? You read the script or you look at their past stuff.

[Seth Green]

All of it. I mean, I'm sure the way you carefully consider any job opportunity.

[Ben Shapiro]

He has.

[Allison Rosen]

A Magic 8 ball.

[Seth Green]

Well, in this case, the writer director, whose mother runs an institution in Peru for people with all people on all degrees of the autism spectrum, he wrote this story. He said he was just really struck by the teenagers and the kids in their 20s because they just wanted to do the basic stuff that people wanted to do and they didn't want to think of themselves as any different than anybody else. It was pretty inspiring for them.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really weird. All the autistic kids and whatever kids don't want to be treated or looked at as different than everyone else. And then all the people with no disorder who are douchebags want to be looked at as super special and different than everyone else.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And they want to have a disorder.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I feel like there's a lot of room for you guys acting like everyone else or autistic people acting like everyone else because they've all. They're all vacant because everyone else is acting like a douchebag. Everyone's like act like they're fucking rock stars.

[Seth Green]

Anybody. Anybody can be on tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. Not only can be, but sort of deserves. Now it's getting to be an entitlement. Like we are going to be at that point where. And we'll hit this like in la.

[Seth Green]

We're in the middle of it.

[Adam Carolla]

We're hitting a point where I think they said, in like July or August, there will be more Hispanics living in LA than there will be blue eyed devils. At a certain point, there's going to be more people on TV than off TV. I think it'll be 2017.

[Seth Green]

If you think about the Internet as an extension of tv, everybody has the. The opportunity to be on tv. Everybody has their own distribution outlet.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I took a cardio kickboxing class.

[Adam Carolla]

Because, you know, humble brag.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I'm in shape for self defense.

[Allison Rosen]

This was years ago. It's gone to shit since then. And the instructor said that she couldn't get. She put on a little headset like they do and she said, she's like, you have to forgive me. I can't get sweaty today because I have an interview for my reality show after this.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, another humble brag. But how the. The headset. One of my favorite things in life is the unnecessary use of the amplified voice. Like the person who's wearing the headset.

[Allison Rosen]

It wasn't an auditorium.

[Adam Carolla]

They're in a van with eight people in it and they go like, hold on, let me get my mic set up. And it's like, you can't. Your voice not going to carry nine feet.

[Seth Green]

This is a. Everybody likes that. All the kids get like the Optimus prime voice changer. Everybody wants one.

[Adam Carolla]

The best. Saddest, but best is if you go the auto show and you go down to the basement where the guys are selling like the ShamWows and the Super Wacs and stuff like that. The guy stands at the kiosk with the voice and the speaker set up and there's two people standing in front of him at the kiosk. Amplified voice. The speakers are further away from the guy than his mouth is from their ears. And he says, is this thing on? Let me. Hold on. And then there's the part where he has to sort of tune it in a little bit. So, Family Guy, what season are we on of Family Guy?

[Seth Green]

I don't know. We skipped three years. Somewhere in there, it was really confusing.

[Adam Carolla]

And Robot Chicken, what are we on?

[Seth Green]

We're about to start our seventh season.

[Adam Carolla]

It's incredible how. It's really incredible when you look back. And I know seasons aren't years like they used to be, but when you look back on some of these shows you watched growing up that were like, oh, that was part of my childhood. And it's like the Brady Bunch was six, seven seasons. A Love Boat was probably five seasons or something. Like that. Like Dukes of Hazzard. My beloved Dukes of Hazard. Four years or whatever. Like somebody shook.

[Seth Green]

Less competition.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there was no competition.

[Seth Green]

There was only three networks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. So it just seemed like that was all there was.

[Seth Green]

It really. That's all there was.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder. Thank you. I don't know. I'm trying to think. I gave Alison a. An article. But, Seth, you're a very creative guy and you do a lot of different. Involved in many different endeavors. I've been saying for years, I think being bored as a kid is a good thing. Like, you know, most people who go to prison come out with a book, but most people on the outside don't have the time to write a book because they're sort of reading other people's books and watching TV and doing shit like that. Fucking, you know, stuff like that.

[Seth Green]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I think being bored as a kid brings out some of your creativity versus constantly being entertained by video games.

[Seth Green]

And I agree with that. It makes you. It forces you to be more creative. I think stimulus is important, but you can't only have stimulus because you.

[Ben Shapiro]

You.

[Seth Green]

You then just become a customer. Like, you don't have any.

[Adam Carolla]

You're walking through someone else's museum is the way I.

[Seth Green]

You're just a witness.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're witness. Yeah. Well, where did you grow up? How did you grow up? What was going on in your.

[Seth Green]

I mean, I grew up in Philadelphia and went to school there, but from the time I was seven, I was taking the train almost every day to go to New York on auditions. And then when I'd work, I worked there for months and I worked all over the country. And when I was 8, I made a movie in Montreal. So I was. I. Really different experiences.

[Adam Carolla]

Were your parents completely cool with you going out into the world at that age? I mean, riding a train alone?

[Seth Green]

No, my mom. My mom took me on the train till I was like 15. But I mean, my parents were pretty cool, I guess, maybe marginally irresponsible.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Seth Green]

But, you know, I was a pretty driven kid with some pretty strong opinions.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you just wanted to act from the time you were seven.

[Seth Green]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you didn't really have any. I mean, I know there's parts of your career that could have been considered lean weeks. I mean, did you have. Did you have horrible year at age 11 and a half where the work just dried up and you thought, geez, what am I doing? Are you pretty much going straight through?

[Seth Green]

Well, there was a weird minute after, like, radio days because people saw that movie and Then I grew a little bit and all of a sudden didn't look like a child in the same way. So I was getting like, sent in on all the wrong auditions. And then I was doing really poor in school because I wasn't working all that much and hated my life and just hated school.

[Adam Carolla]

How old were you when you do radio days?

[Seth Green]

12 radio days.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to say underrated, but a really good Woody Allen movie that doesn't get spoken of enough when they're talking about Woody Allen movies.

[Seth Green]

I like that movie.

[Adam Carolla]

It was really good.

[Seth Green]

He's pretty awesome. And that was like. It was such a love letter to a very specific cultural moment that was, even at the time that we were shooting it, just history. Like not even. Barely even able to relate to.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of great works of art, I believe you have my book in front of you somewhere. I think we underlined a paragraph.

[Seth Green]

You set aside a passage. The instructions were clear.

[Adam Carolla]

A passage for you. I spared you two paragraphs. But we do have the one where Ray put his. My buddy Ray put his dick in his mom's friend's ear while she was sitting and talking on the telephone in their apartment. That I witnessed.

[Seth Green]

This actually happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. I stood there. Well, 17 or 18 year old Ray put his dick in his bear. I mean bare dick in the ear of his mom's friend. Well, Kathy, who was on the phone, thought maybe a little Chris Griffin would be.

[Seth Green]

That's what we call poor impulse control.

[Ace]

Another time, Kathy made the grave error of sitting down in Ray's mom's apartment.

[Seth Green]

And trying to talk on the phone. Ray was about 16 at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

While one ear was occupied with the.

[Seth Green]

Phone receiver, her other ear was wide open for attack. Ray came up behind her and put his dick in her ear. I wish I could tell you why, but there was no good reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Chris. Not Taco Bell material, by the way. Out in paperback April 15 the Story of Luke in theaters and on video on demand. Friday, April 5th. I think what we should do is do a little news and crack wise. Oh, Baldiwood. I keep forgetting about that. We can save a movie review now. We'll do a movie review with a little Baldiwood. I'm curious. You do G.I. joe? Oh, sorry. Hooray for Baldy.

[Dave Damashek]

Won't work so hard on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, that was the outro. We need the intro. Thank you. Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Ryan will review the flicks that he's seen up on the Big screen or in his Netflix queue. Before you spend, remember, his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck piece of shit Transformers to hooray for Paul Rewards.

[Seth Green]

That movie was about 90 minutes longer.

[Dave Damashek]

Than it needed to be, maybe 120 minutes longer than it needed to be. The lyrics to that song allude to me having poor movie taste, so bear that in mind when I talk about GI Joe Retaliation. GI Joe opened number one this weekend in the theaters, directed by John Chu, who is from Step Up 3D and directed Justin Bieber. Never say Never, neither of which I star.

[Seth Green]

You had me at Step Up.

[Adam Carolla]

Does GI Joe have anything to do with GI Joe anymore? And I know they license all these names from, like, Mattel and stuff, but.

[Seth Green]

This is, like, straight up.

[Adam Carolla]

We've heard of it, right?

[Seth Green]

This is straight up. Hasbro Studios, pretty much, yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

I was a big. Obviously, as a little kid, a big fan of the cartoons growing up, and there's a lot of. A few of the same names used for characters, but there's no real connection.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dave Damashek]

Not like Transformers, but just Trude. The original source material.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Dave Damashek]

This star, this one stars the Rock. Jonathan Pryce, Bruce Willis, Channing Tatum. They used a lot of new actors from the last one, which was admittedly a very, very poor movie. I was looking forward to it, and I hated it, and I think everyone else did, too.

[Seth Green]

That movie's like my doctoral thesis, how bad that movie is.

[Dave Damashek]

It's terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

The last GI Joe.

[Seth Green]

The first one.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, the first. The first one, which is.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah.

[Seth Green]

So this next should have a moment where we deconstruct the plot.

[Dave Damashek]

We would think more about the plot than the writers would have thought.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was the first one from?

[Dave Damashek]

2010.

[Seth Green]

Yeah, like the end of 2009. Probably something.

[Dave Damashek]

Yeah, that's about right. This one's written by Rhett Reese and Jonathan Warnick, one of whom, I believe is a friend of Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he's been on my show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

Which one? Rhett?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Rhett Reese.

[Dave Damashek]

They're sort of.

[Allison Rosen]

They created the Joe Schmo Show.

[Dave Damashek]

They had a big hit with Zombieland. That was their big movie. And now they're attached to a lot. It was a great movie, attached to a lot of scripts. They're kind of very hot right now. I can't believe I'm gonna say this on the mic, but GI Joe Retaliation was a pretty good movie. I actually really enjoyed it. Now, maybe expectations were super low. Maybe I was a little kid when the cartoon came out. Maybe I was ready for a dumb, fun action movie. But there Were a couple of very well done action sequences. Like just sort of standalone mob. That was impressive. I honestly laughed out loud more than I did during Burt Wonderstone. I more laugh out loud moments. There were five or six months where I kind of chuckled.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, the Rock's great, right? The Rock was great. He was so good.

[Dave Damashek]

He was the best I've ever seen in the Rock.

[Seth Green]

He's pretty awesome. I love that he's wrestling again.

[Dave Damashek]

A curious lack of arm butter. I'm wondering if maybe they're used up off of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. So we should see G.I. joe retaliate.

[Dave Damashek]

Well, it's getting 29% on Rotten Tomatoes, so keep in mind that it's G.I. joe. It's a sequel. It was delayed nine months.

[Ace]

Nine months?

[Dave Damashek]

They pushed it back. It was supposed to come out last summer.

[Seth Green]

That's because 21 Jump street and Magic Mike.

[Dave Damashek]

That could have been something.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that why they pushed it back?

[Seth Green]

Did I say that?

[Dave Damashek]

He became a much bigger star in the meantime, but it far exceeded my expectations. I enjoyed it. If you wanted a very fun action movie, Heresy, perhaps. I would not be surprised, would not be shocked if this movie was actually up for an Oscar in Best Picture. Now in Best Sound Editing and sound Mixing. The movie sounds great. There's some really good, like, sound in this picture. So you did a good theater.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say this. I always travel. I never have any time. I work every weekend. But this weekend you can do much worse. No, no, I'm saying this weekend we're gonna be at Stand Up Live. And we're gonna be doing our shows in Phoenix. And we will have a Saturday. And I told Matt, the Porcelain Punisher Finaleer, find a theater nearby. Cause I'm seeing a fucking matinee for the first time in about three years on Saturday. And maybe I'll make it GI Joe.

[Dave Damashek]

You know, it's great.

[Allison Rosen]

Rhett Reese is an Adam Carolla fan.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So you should try to like it.

[Seth Green]

Somebody's got a videotape. Adam's reaction when he discovers a matinee costs $14.

[Dave Damashek]

You'll be glad to have missed the opening weekend crowds. Opening day crowds are typically unpleasant. And there was one guy when they were showing trailers. The next Fast and Furious trailer comes up and a guy's walking to his seat. He turns to the screen and goes, vin Diesel. And he just yelled it out in the theater as though he needed to be addressed to the screen.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the people just sort of say what even what they're thinking or what comes to Mind.

[Seth Green]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

I got a worse one. The guy sitting kid sitting behind me. The first scene opens. The first opening crawl is North Korea. And as soon as it says that on the screen, he goes ching chong. That was his reaction to seeing the words North Korea.

[Seth Green]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

What was his reaction?

[Ace]

No, he was.

[Dave Damashek]

I would say kid about 19 or 20. He seemed to be college aged.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Seth Green]

He's really getting educated.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like 19 year olds back in the day were three years in the military, fucked at least four whores and it killed a man.

[Seth Green]

Which day are we talking about back World War II.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. World War II. Ish. Yeah, the day.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Seth Green]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And now 19 year olds grow up on Yoohoo and video games. I don't think it's not emotionally video games. What do you think?

[Seth Green]

That's probably all the Jersey Shore and Real House.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's probably that too. Yeah. All right. Should we do. Thanks.

[Dave Damashek]

If. If the dumb action movies aren't your thing, I recommend a smart action movie starring Seth Green. The Italian Shop. Go out and rent that one or stream it.

[Adam Carolla]

I did like that movie a lot. Great movie. Starring Seth Green and Minnie Cooper. Real star of that movie. Hooray. I do particularly. I enjoyed all the driving through the sewers of la. And I particularly also enjoyed the beginning when they were in the canals. The Venice canals. I thought that was really cool. That's a fun movie. All right. Shall we do a little news? Allison Rosen. Yes, the news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes as bad as Allison Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with. Zip it. Cut. It's Allison.

[Ben Shapiro]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way. I should. Sorry. Go ahead.

[Seth Green]

Just watching your face while that like delightful music is being played. You're just.

[Adam Carolla]

I was reading the screen. Phoenix, by the way. Teresa Strasser. Our own Teresa Strasser and Frank Caliendo coming out on Friday night if you want to come out and say hi. And again Saturday. And Mike August is going nuts because we're selling Mangria by the bottle over there. So come on out, drink some and take some home. The white just out. Little love to one of our fine sponsors. Legal Zoom, baby. Got to prepare for the future. Financial planning, insurance, all good. You want that peace of mind. You want your family legally protected. That's where LegalZoom comes in. It's a return for your affordable legal protection. And it's legal protection you can trust. LegalZoom.com Personal wills, powers of attorney, living trust, real estate documents and more you can incorporate. You can start an LLC, filings, trademarks, copyrights, [e-mail] LegalZoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you to an attorney and provide self help services at your specific direction.

[Dr. Bruce]

Direction.

[Adam Carolla]

For even more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. If you're a parent or an entrepreneur, don't wait any longer. Call or visit legalzoom.com and protect what's yours. All right, now the news.

[Allison Rosen]

I just remembered something very exciting to me. There was going to be a Facts of Life spinoff. Seth Green. You were in that episode, weren't you? Where Blair Buys Eastland.

[Seth Green]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember that.

[Allison Rosen]

You do remember that.

[Adam Carolla]

I started watching the reruns. They're running on like Nick at night or something like that. I can't get enough of it. I love Facts Alive.

[Seth Green]

Juliette Lewis and Mayim Bialik were both on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Seth Green]

TV's Blossom, an Oscar nominee for Cape Fear.

[Adam Carolla]

She, by the way, Allison calls herself a Facts of Life fan. But only one person in this room was at a Facts of Life taping as an audience member in the 10th grade.

[Allison Rosen]

Rub my nose.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Just. It was proximity. He grew up with Molly Ringwald.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Seth Green]

That's fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I had the Ringwalds down the street from me, but in the show I did. Yeah.

[Seth Green]

She was in, like, the first season.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And then they cut to fat.

[Allison Rosen]

And you. Weren't you dressed as a girl in the episode?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably.

[Seth Green]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

I think I remember. I could do your lines if you want. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

So only maybe, Possibly. So Chris Brown went on the Today show to promote his new album X and agreed to talk for the first time about the Rihanna incident. So in this clip, which we're about to see, Matt Lauer has just said to him, a lot of people speculate that Rihanna is making a bad choice by getting back together with Chris Brown. And what's his reaction to that?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right. Well, you know, I think it's just.

[Seth Green]

Me proving myself once again and also.

[Adam Carolla]

Just me being a man and, you.

[Seth Green]

Know, knowing that what I did was.

[Adam Carolla]

Wrong and never doing it again. So as far as me and her are concerned, she knows my heart and I know her heart. So I'm not really focused on, you know, the negative. Everything about it is positive for me.

[Dave Damashek]

I've learned them.

[Seth Green]

I did my 52 weeks of, you know, counseling and learned that it was absolutely wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

You Know, and counseling. Did you go through therapy or was it just counseling?

[Seth Green]

It was counseling.

[Adam Carolla]

Domestic violence counseling.

[Seth Green]

And we did 52 week program every Monday in Virginia. You know, I remember going and, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Know, just sitting in there and just.

[Seth Green]

Like, yo, why did I do what I did? You know, and really wanting to just get help.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're sure it will never happen again?

[Seth Green]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Seth Green]

Here's.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, man.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like the laughter. Yeah. Is so inappropriate at this moment. I don't know what reaction are you guys having to.

[Adam Carolla]

People are just uncomfortable. I mean, look, I believe people are sort of wired a certain way. I don't know, it's sort of like if a dog bites the mailman, then they'll bite the babysitter at some point. Or the UPS guy at some point. Some point. Usually I don't think I don't have a switch where I'm capable of beating a woman unless she's mouthy, you know, But I don't have. I don't have a mode where I put my hands up and punch a woman. It's not. And listen, don't get me wrong, I hate women. I just have no mode. I couldn't ball my fists up and hit a female in the face. I have trouble hitting males in the face, although I would happily do it if they tried to hit me in the face. But I do believe you're either capable of doing certain things or incapable of doing things. And then once you're capable of it, then you can do it again. It's not a matter. It would take more to get you to do it the second time around. But I don't know. Seth, what do you think?

[Seth Green]

You know, people change, but at the same time, I think we've all just become so concerned with other people's business. I mean, here's two people that none of us know that have something between them. They're still hanging out, they're still going out together.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't get, by the way, the part where it's like she's back with him. Like, oh, who gives a shit? It's worse.

[Seth Green]

It's just none of our. I can't speak for anybody else. A lot of people feel it is their business, but it's just none of my business. I don't know them enough to weigh in on whether or not they have worked out their domestic problems.

[Allison Rosen]

I think the thing getting past the fact that it's none of our business, because I'll just make it my business. The thing that's hard about it is there's such a high. It just feels like the classic domestic violence pattern where he most likely will beat her. It's like watching a car wreck in slow motion. It's like, get. What are you doing?

[Adam Carolla]

Couple things about Rihanna. There are people much. There are people. I'd like to get beaten much less than Rihanna. Not that she needs to be beaten, but she does seem.

[Allison Rosen]

I hadn't thought of it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

She's fairly obnoxious. I'm not worried about her.

[Seth Green]

I met her. She was quite lovely.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to make an observation. I'm going to make an observation about Seth's beard. Changing topics here, but I'll get back to it. If you pull up picture of one of GI Joe's buddies, maybe the one with the ginger hair.

[Dave Damashek]

Oh, like old school GI Joe.

[Adam Carolla]

Old school GI Joe has a beard.

[Seth Green]

Had.

[Adam Carolla]

Had a friend that had a beard. They all had beards that looked a lot like the beard that Seth is rocking right now, by the way. All right, so wait, you'd laugh.

[Seth Green]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna play like, not exactly, but sort of a version of Alec. Alec Salkin. Who Some growing the beard.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's why I grow in the beard. When is that coming up?

[Seth Green]

Next week, actually. I start tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's good. But is Ran involved with this project?

[Seth Green]

No. No, thank. Well, maybe a dream sequence or something.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I don't want anyone to be beaten, but these are two super rich people that are just free to fuck and be in love if. If they like wrong G.I. joe. I need.

[Allison Rosen]

That's Conan.

[Adam Carolla]

I need. Yeah, I need earlier. I need old 60s.

[Dave Damashek]

You talk about the dolls.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm talking about the dolls from back in the day. The dude on the left does have a little Seth in him.

[Seth Green]

Maybe I should tame it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Seth Green]

I just guarantee you Alec has never looked in the mirror and been like, let me get this under control.

[Adam Carolla]

So nobody wants to see her get beat again. On the other hand, I sort of agree. We're. It's like we have people shooting each other every day. There's people in other countries starving every day. Like, we're way too much into this.

[Seth Green]

But I also, like, before she decided to get back together with him, I had much more of an opinion. But once she's like, I know what I'm doing, guys. I love him and we're gonna be together, I'm like, yeah, whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know, because you feel like it's her business or because you feel like there's nothing you can do or I'm just wondering why you had more of an opinion before.

[Seth Green]

I'd say it. Apathy and helplessness. But I say mostly apathy. But that's exactly it. They're not. And if they were, then I would weigh in on it because I would be close up enough to be able to say, oh, shit, I think you're doing this. But from the outside perspective, like, think about Adam. Think about how long you've been on television and on radio with people listening to you and thinking about you and how public you are with everything about yourself. You would kind of assume that people would, even at a cursory glance, know a lot about you. Right? Right. And I can guarantee you that people just. You just don't. You just don't. Even in the Internet age, where you could literally look at the sum total of a person's footprint, right. You know, on this planet thus far, you still don't know anything about them until you hang out with them. I met Chris Bound at the MTV Awards twice. I would not say that I have any room to have an opinion about his mental state.

[Adam Carolla]

The worst case, not the worst case, but sort of the worst case scenario is that Rihanna gets punched by Chris Brown at some point in the future and everyone will say, cosmically made her own bed doesn't change things that much. I mean, we've all. Well, what I mean is there's people being punched in the face by life every day. There's people that work super fucking shitty jobs. There's people that just live in poverty. There's so much misery on the planet and there's so much poverty.

[Seth Green]

But don't you think that's it? Don't you think that's why we all have become consumed with celebrity in the last 10 years?

[Adam Carolla]

It's gotten so much worse than it ever was.

[Allison Rosen]

It's easier to talk about than stuff that is, you know, huge and insurmountable and faceless.

[Adam Carolla]

You see one of those commercials for Dinoceros, Doctors Without Borders or something, and you see those kids faces and you're like, oh, my God, I can't. I can't.

[Seth Green]

Let me turn on Vanderpump rules, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And that's. That's what happens. And then the big problem is the poodle's hairstyle got fucked up when the mobile groomer came over. And then two hot people are fucking again. That's right. Yeah. No, that's what we do. We're really weird in that we don't really work big to small in the problem department. You know, whatever Chris Brown and Rihanna end up doing to each other, not doing to each other means nothing to society, humanity, our kids, our family, or really anyone. Except for possibly her orbital socket. And even if she gets that orbital socket crushed by his right hand, she'll still be fine.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, then there are people who say, well, she's a role model, you know, what about all the younger people that look up to her?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Seth Green]

I think she abandoned the role model concept when she took selfies of her. She took, like, self photographs topless.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a bad role model, all right. Or a spectacular one, depending on.

[Seth Green]

I think if you're looking to Rihanna as a role model, you probably need better parenting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think she's just a model model.

[Seth Green]

She's a great pop star. Yeah, she's super talented. That's what she does.

[Adam Carolla]

And listen, I've been complaining her hair's too short for the last five years now. She grew her hair out.

[Allison Rosen]

She's like.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a chick on the Plant. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen to you.

[Seth Green]

She follows you on Twitter.

[Allison Rosen]

So we talked about Kevin Ware earlier. We are absolutely not going to watch the video.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the guy with the compound fracture.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Where the tibia was, not for me, was poking out of the skin. But here's the thing that I wanted to get your opinion on. So it's from the article. The horrific injury devastated his teammates, and several fell to the court crying. And when I heard this on the news last night, at first I thought someone died based on how they were describing the reaction that everyone was falling to the ground crying and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris Brown, punch him in the shin again. Or is that him doing it? Yeah. Cried. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So, yeah, I'm just. Is that the normal reaction of team members when someone gets injured?

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's a feeling when you're. When something is possibly career ending. And I don't know if this guy had a future in the show, as it were, or not. But when you see somebody's career just leave in a split second.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like if they dumped acid in Seth Green's face and he could never act again.

[Seth Green]

But it's also just that basic human. Oh, my gosh. I didn't know what that looked like in person. Have you ever seen, like, a broken bone in person?

[Adam Carolla]

Also, the horrifying. There's the element of I play in the same game that this guy plays in and do the same activity that he just engaged in, which now has exposed me to his tibia. So some of that is internalizing. Like, that could be my tibia. Next time, right? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

See, earlier in the show, Adam and I were talking about how we like to avoid super disturbing videos and whatnot. You're kind of a thrill seeker multimedia Internet guy.

[Seth Green]

Yeah. I spent a lot of time watching skateboard videos, but when I was a teenager and I was sort of just getting out in the world and trying to see what all was out there. And before the Internet, when you had to really seek this stuff out, I watched all of that. I watched all the life. Yeah. And beyond. It was like big accident, like riot footage, you know, just. I don't even know why. I think I was just trying to see everything that was out there to see what really got me and didn't.

[Allison Rosen]

And what really got you off?

[Seth Green]

Not got me off. Like, got me. Oh, my gosh, that's horrible. Or what I was desensitized to. Especially when. When you're teenage, I think you go through a lot of, like, just complicated emotional stuff. And I didn't really have my parents around, so I was very. Just figuring things out on my own.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is true when you're a teen, which is interesting is you're trying to kind of tune your divining rod and set your own mark. So it's like stuff you're interested in, stuff you're not interested. We can hear you take a hit off the Mangria. That's fine.

[Ben Shapiro]

Can you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's fine.

[Seth Green]

That's delightful. Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Enjoy it.

[Seth Green]

Why, that's gotta be at least 20 proof alcohol.

[Adam Carolla]

21. Thank you.

[Seth Green]

21 proof alcohol.

[Adam Carolla]

My feeling with the. Seeking it out. It's sort of like for me now, at the age I'm at going and actively burning calories to find those sort of grotesque pictures is sort of like going into the bathroom at the airport and hoping there's a shit in the toilet. Like, I'm the exact opposite. I hope no one is ever shitting this toilet. I'm gonna bust this toilet time in with my dookie. That's what I'm thinking.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God. Have you ever crafted a virgin toilet?

[Adam Carolla]

I would like.

[Seth Green]

Haven't you renovated a house?

[Adam Carolla]

I have. You're right. I do miss the part where they put the paper hymen on the. On the seat that you could, like, break it. Like. Is that like an opening of a toilet?

[Seth Green]

Yeah, karate chop that with my foot.

[Adam Carolla]

I like. I also always sort of fantasize about sliding it off, taking a shit in there, and sliding it back on for the. For the maid sometimes or the next day.

[Seth Green]

Sometimes I fantasize about leaving it on and then pooping.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't see those very often.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't see them anymore at all.

[Seth Green]

Break it with your poop.

[Adam Carolla]

The best. I decided I was pretty hardcore last weekend at Utah when I was staying at a hotel that had the little gold seal sticker that was on the toilet paper roll. Because we all know that problem of walking in a hotel room when the toilet paper rolls exposed and having it roll down quarter inch as we shut. I don't know. I'm offended that this is in the breeze. I kind of like it that way. But I did the move where I pulled it down, pulled off, took tear off about 18, 20 inches of it, Realized the gold sticker was still on there and went, I'm hardcore. I'm going for it.

[Seth Green]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yep.

[Dave Damashek]

So hardcore.

[Allison Rosen]

Sand blasting.

[Adam Carolla]

That's fucking hardcore.

[Seth Green]

Did it stick to your butt?

[Adam Carolla]

It's still there.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's prevented me from shitting for almost two days.

[Seth Green]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Seth Green]

It's got corking properties.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's a toilet issue. So where I live now, the toilet paper roll is not on the wall. It's, like, behind me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So I have to basically throw my back out to get the toilet paper.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of injuries every year.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You have no idea. I had to change my insurance, and it's pretty much impossible to put a new toilet paper roll on the thing. Yeah. Replace it while you're sitting there.

[Seth Green]

Have you ever seen the pedestal toilet paper roll? No.

[Allison Rosen]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. You gotta check out skymall, man.

[Seth Green]

See a free standing thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Put it where you want.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe I should get that.

[Seth Green]

I mean, it'll save you a lot of frustration.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm one by my loveseat just to confuse guests. I'm trying to send a weird message.

[Seth Green]

That's a strong plan. I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sending a message.

[Seth Green]

I like to put that sanitary thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's good too. The. As I. As I always say.

[Allison Rosen]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

The. Yeah, that's.

[Seth Green]

But that's. That's like a fancy one. I'm talking about just like the pole. You can just stick it on the thing.

[Ben Shapiro]

There's like.

[Allison Rosen]

It's on the end of the planet.

[Adam Carolla]

A couple things have gone on in our society. Toilet paper rolls have outgrown the receptacles that are in the walls from, like, the houses from the 30s and 40s.

[Seth Green]

Just like the cars in California. Just like the streets in California have outgrown the cars and the traffic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're like they're too, they're too plump to fit in there. And then there's that place. There's that. You ever do that thing where like there's a public bathroom? They make you fight for every piece. Like, come on, let us with the ass shaming here. And by the way, I'm not gonna go, oh my God, this thing's spinning freely. I'm gonna make a fake Santa beard out of all this. Extra. I'll just use enough. Take my word for it, airport person, I'll use enough to wipe my ass.

[Seth Green]

I'm gonna let you in on something. If you grab around the back of it and lift up, the whole front of it comes off.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you mean for the.

[Seth Green]

That's how they change it. Yeah. So if you just do that, you can get. I should do hands all over it. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's it. I'm going to town next time. Extra.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like that adds like an extra three minutes to the process. When you have to get one square. One square, one square.

[Seth Green]

And also every one of those single squares becomes unsatisfying. You're like, I'll never use you alone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I need your, I need you and your brothers. You know what I mean? Like, you're, you're, you're a change. Because it's that low grade paper in.

[Seth Green]

The first place, you may as well.

[Allison Rosen]

Not even use paper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Seth Green]

Might as well just use that magazine that you'd bought to read because it's the same consistency.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They don't, they don't splurge in the ass department at the airport.

[Ace]

Now.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever used a toilet seat cover in a pinch?

[Adam Carolla]

I. My. Here's my.

[Allison Rosen]

As toilet paper.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my.

[Seth Green]

I blew my nose in one one time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Seth Green]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

I've used it as a hand drying because a lot of times towels are out, you know, and that stuff works in a pinch for drawn hands.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple things. As I always say, pat every stranger.

[Seth Green]

On the back as I'm walking. Oh, hey, good game, guys. Good game.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple of realizations I had. First off, the animal who likes to leave his on the seat for me to either use again or at least observe and acknowledge. Like, really? You don't want to make that part of the flushing process.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Seth Green]

Well, they threw it, but clearly the aim is terrible. And then he just wasn't going to go back in.

[Adam Carolla]

They have the flap that falls down to suck down. I've realized what that.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's what that's for the tongue.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a rip cord to nowhere. I mean to the ocean, to the bay.

[Seth Green]

It's a banker.

[Adam Carolla]

But as I always say, the porta potties with the sign that says Mexican space shuttle on the outside and on the inside, free cowboy hats with an arrow pointing down to the seat liners is the only thing I miss about construction.

[Allison Rosen]

Obama shot some baskets at the Easter egg roll in honor of Easter.

[Seth Green]

That almost sounded like a completely different report.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Obama shot some or just stopped it.

[Allison Rosen]

Shot right. And he got two out of 22 in. But I feel like I could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

For a guy plays as much hoop as he plays, he should be sinking.

[Seth Green]

Don't they have a court at the White House?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think think he does.

[Seth Green]

He just not have the time to really work on it.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a speculation.

[Allison Rosen]

There's speculation that was. Did he do this on purpose? Was it so that it would look like he doesn't have time to practice because he's so busy?

[Dave Damashek]

His team was down by two. He had to break the free throw.

[Adam Carolla]

So they could get the rundown.

[Seth Green]

I'm sure people are really overthinking.

[Adam Carolla]

They're overthinking it.

[Seth Green]

First off, he looks like he's trying right there. He looks like he's really trying. And is that Roseanne behind him taking a cell phone?

[Adam Carolla]

Looks like her. It really does look like there's no such thing as whatever you are, President, ex jock, whoever, actor, whatever you are. When you put something in someone's hands, whether it's a ball of foil and there's a trash can on the other side of the room or it's a baseball bat and you're throwing a softball to them, whatever it is, you become an animal and you try as hard as you can for that moment. I was playing a celebrity softball game with Jimmy many years ago for the. I think we were in. We were in Chicago, and it was for the all star game in Chicago. And I said to him, I was playing left field and they had like the chick from the Bachelor, like the little blonde chick from the Bachelor is like pitching. And I said, you know, this game has some ex jocks in it. One of them's Dave Winfield. And Dave Winfield goes 6, 5, 6, 6, 240. I mean, he's one of the biggest guys. He had college basketball, fun fact.

[Dave Damashek]

He was drafted in, I think basketball and. Yeah, baseball.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, maybe even football. Built like Carl Malone. Like, I mean, it's insane build for a player. And I said to Jimmy before the game, I said, what if this guy like Dave Winfield hits a comebacker to the little blonde bachelor bachelorette chick on the mound. Like he literally could kill her with that ball. And Jimmy said, those jocks, they're half swinging it. You know, they're not really swinging it. And I said I don't think so. I think they're taking cuts at the ball because they're jocks. And you put a bat in their hand and they do, they got one swing and there's not a half speed swing. They just have a full speed swing. And he said no, those guys are taking, those guys will be taking half swings and fucking around. And I said, all right. Smash cut to Dave Winfield getting up at bat. Me playing left field and watching a ball go over my head into the night air of Chicago that I didn't even turn around to go after because it was one of those home runs that was like, oh, it's when the outfielder doesn't even take a step backwards, just goes, oh, that thing's going out of the stadium. Like that's, that's what it was.

[Dave Damashek]

Barry Bonds, you just sat there with your hands on your knees.

[Adam Carolla]

I just sat, I didn't even look up. I was like, there's, I know they put a fence. It wasn't the fence for the real ball game. The fence was 20ft behind me, the one they'd moved up. And that ball was 150ft behind the fence. And I was like, that's my point. There's no half speed once you do that. So when you give the President a basketball and you tell him to take some shots, I'm assuming he's trying to drain everyone. I think either the, either the bowling alley that like Nixon put in or something was turned into a hoops court underneath, down, down below. Right.

[Seth Green]

I think there's still a bowling alley in it, but there's a half court in it.

[Adam Carolla]

I am amazed at how much vacationing presidents do when they live a in the White House. And being just a house with a half court down low and a bunch of guys that are basically on call to play ball with you. Like if he wants to get in a pickup game, he wake up someone at 2:30 in the morning. All the Secret service guys have to go up there. Nobody can foul him. I mean it's gotta be. They have to play in suits with wingtips and talk, you know, talk another sleeve all the time. I mean, who's got it? Who really? Like I want to know the guy cuz, you know, he's playing with some secret service guys. You Know, those guys are in great shape. I want to know the guy who's just fucking rejecting his shit. Like. Like, Obama breaks one away and just comes up behind it, pins it against the backboard, and says, take that shit to someone else's house, and, like, fires it back at him. Like, is there a guy who does that?

[Seth Green]

I might have a picture of that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that guy. I would love to meet that guy. We used to shoot hoop. There was a guy who worked for us on the man show, and we would do these pickup games, like, at my party house in Sherman Oaks on, like, Wednesday nights and just be all the man show dude. And there was a guy named Hammersley who was called Ham, and he was one of the writers. Wasn't one of the more prolific writers, but he was just a writer. And he'd always be on one team, and I'd always be on the other team. And he'd hack the shit out of me. And then when I was like, that's a foul. He'd be like, that's such bullshit. Oh, fuck, man. Such pussy. That's tic tac pussy bullshit. And I was like, wow, I'm your boss. I'm your boss. I kind of liked it, though. But he didn't think about it for a second other than, like, he was just on a school. School yard with some dudes that he didn't. In a pickup game or something. He's like, you know what? Go ahead. Let the baby have his bottle. Take your chicken shit. Take it out. Take your chicken shit. I hope you roll an ankle at that chicken shit. And it was like, wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Did it make you feel at all like, hey, why aren't you respecting me as a boss?

[Adam Carolla]

There was a part of me that made me realize that his parents had done great things for him and horrible things for him simultaneously in giving him this thing. Said a part that sort of went, I liked it. But I don't think this would be a great tactic for all bosses. But I didn't really think of myself as the boss of everyone on the court. But I own the court, and I do run the man show with Jimmy. So you're one of the writers, so. But he would hack me and then call me a pussy when I was, like, on the ground. It was great.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, you said that when you put a ball in a guy's hand, he tries. If you're playing with your kids, what do you do?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, score.

[Seth Green]

Just all over them.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm all elbows.

[Seth Green]

Humble them.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking all elbows. Show them what the world Means I reject that shit. No, when I shoot, I try to make it. I don't. Every once in a while, there's a little controversy when they shoot at the little basket we have, and it's clearly just going into a flower pot, and I catch it, and they go like, dad, that was going in. I'm like, please, in your dreams.

[Seth Green]

You weren't accounting for the ricochet.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I was going to put it off the side of the terracotta pot. Two. Wait. Obama sunk out of 22. He sunk what?

[Dave Damashek]

Two for 20 oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Two for 20. Oh, boy.

[Dave Damashek]

That's what you said, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Seth Green]

Oh, I want to know how close together they are.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I read.

[Adam Carolla]

22 sub 10%. Wow. Bomb's got to do better than that. We're going to get this country back.

[Seth Green]

Do you think they were the first two that he shot? And then he had to put up just 20 more breaks?

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, yeah, that would have been great.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think they were. I think one of them was, like, the 18th.

[Seth Green]

All right, guys, I'm going to quit.

[Allison Rosen]

In honor of April Fool's Day on Monday, some large companies had some fun at our expense. YouTube claimed they were going to shut down, Google added Google smell feature, and Twitter did away with their vowels. I don't need companies to make April Fool's jokes. I don't need anyone to.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, there's, like, first off, there's certain groups, like, I don't know, air traffic controllers, people like that, that I just don't want involved with this at all. Don't want to monkey around, number one. Number two, I don't really need to know that my cable carrier has a sense of humor or that the you or the people that deliver my parcels have a sense of. You're like, I don't really need. I don't need. Need to know any of that.

[Seth Green]

Just be the militant overlords I've paid you to be.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's what I'm saying. Rule with an iron fist.

[Allison Rosen]

Did anyone pull any April Fool's jokes on you guys?

[Seth Green]

I did. Oh, sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Seth Green]

I did the talk this morning, and Sharon Osborne told everybody she had gone to Germany to get some in vitro done with a really nice lady and some Ozzie's sperm. And she was tearing up when she said it, and all the girls hugged her, and I was like, wow, that's amazing. Because in my. In my heart, I think Sharon and her husband could say so. I've decided to get dragon's wings attached to my body. And we'd all be like, oh, she.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably worked out pretty good, right? Yeah. I don't think she could surprise me, was she.

[Seth Green]

She was totally faking.

[Adam Carolla]

Totally faking.

[Seth Green]

100% April fools. And when I told her I believed her, she just looked at me like. Like I was stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

There's something between the affect and the accent. Plus, you can't tell people to get the fuck out of here on stuff that could be, you know, potentially true or serious or whatever.

[Seth Green]

Ozzy Osborne, I watched a bunch of their show, like, right? They did some stuff that was not too dissimilar to having someone else provide an egg for their baby.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

On the weirdo meter, this would be a four and a half for her, not a 10. Yeah. She can't fuck around.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like a good April Fool's prank is not something where, if it's true, well, who really cares anyway, right?

[Adam Carolla]

But Phil Spector can't tell you something like, Phil Spector can't do an April fool story.

[Allison Rosen]

That's still.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying once you're sort of nuts or eccentric or whatever you are, then you're off. You're off the list.

[Seth Green]

Gary Busey's not gonna shock us with any kind of April Fool's concepts.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that a real samurai? Come on, Gary, put that shit down. I know a fake samurai when I see it, Adam.

[Seth Green]

This is a real samurai.

[Adam Carolla]

I swear to Jesus, I always. He's one of those guys, and I got to figure out this guy. He's one of those crazy guys, but he's also one of those dates guy guys who are, like, the sober guys. The guys who go like, December 22, 1992, I buried my first wife. They just give. They just. They do the dates all the time as part of being crazy. But I don't know why.

[Allison Rosen]

Why does the craziness manifest in really good sense of.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's never happened.

[Seth Green]

With some slight Asperger's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, no one ever went, I buried my first wife. And I went, oh, yeah?

[Allison Rosen]

When?

[Seth Green]

Date?

[Adam Carolla]

And it went, December 92. Yeah. What day? 22nd. Well, that was a Wednesday. That'd be really weird having a funeral service on a Wednesday, wouldn't you think? Like, I. I'll just. If you say you buried your first wife some years back, I'll go along with you on it. I don't need the date.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm the opposite. I have a. I don't even know what time of year things happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Same way I'M very hazy on all of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do the same. People go like, this is Earth.

[Seth Green]

We're actually.

[Adam Carolla]

They go like, when did the man show run? And I'll go like 90. Something like 8 or 9 or something. 99 to like 2000 and something like in there somewhere. I don't remember in the first. I don't remember that. I realized as I was sitting down the other day, Seth, you could maybe, although you've had way too much success to identify with this. I was going through every pilot basically that I've ever done and realized that I'm, I think, 0 for 6 or 7. But the man Show, Loveline and Top Gear all ended up being TV shows anyway. But every single TV pilot I ever did never got on the air. And then all six of them, and then half of them came back and became TV shows. Some with me, some without me. I thought, did it end up making.

[Allison Rosen]

You feel good or bad?

[Adam Carolla]

It was interesting because I thought, well, that's 0 for 6. And then I thought, oh, no, the Man Show, Loveline and Top Gear have all been real successful. And then I thought, oh, that's half of them. Then came back. And then I went, huh. I wonder if the other three would have had any success if they ever came back. We will never know.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, that's the news. I'm Allison Rosen, Zipit Consulting.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Alison Rosen. Ah, yes. Put some information up on that board, shall we? Let me just tell you about our good friends over at Go to my PC. Mm. You want to use Go to my PC? Why not? Stuck at the airport restaurant in the one of the stalls at the airport.

[Seth Green]

Uh huh.

[Dave Damashek]

I've been there.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm talking about.

[Seth Green]

Damn, I wish I could get on my computer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, but you can. You can go to my PC. Brought to you by our good friends over at Citrix. You can access your office computer from your smartphone, your tablet, your commode, whatever. While you're waiting, your smart commode. No one likes a dumb crapper.

[Dave Damashek]

The best kind.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Go to my PC. It turns out your iPad, your iPhone, your Android Kindle fire into your network computer so easily. Try it out. Try go to my PC free. 45 days, month and a half free trial. Visit GoToMyPC.com click on the try it Free button and enter the promo code. Adam. All right, let's see what do we got?

[Seth Green]

You have in Brecken on tomorrow?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm trying to think of who. Yeah, Brecken Meyer on Can't hardly wait together.

[Seth Green]

Yeah, I've known Brecken since we're teenagers.

[Adam Carolla]

Also this coming weekend, stand Up Live, bunch of shows in Phoenix. So come on out Phoenix and say hi, would you? Also me and Drew doing a little reunion tour in Redondo Beach Performing Arts there. And it's coming up Saturday the 13th and what else? I think that'll about do it. So Seth Green, the Story of Luke in theaters and video on demand Friday, April 5th. And support the friends of the show. Shall we, people? You can go online, you can go to sethgreenonline.com find out all the info you need to find and of course, Dave Danishek as well. So next till next time is Adam Crolla for Dave Damaschek, Seth Green, Allison Rosen and Ball Bryan saying mahalo.

[Seth Green]

Ray came up behind her and put his dick in her ear.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, there's Adam Carlo Show 1047. Come up next, we have Adam Carla Show 1011 featuring Ben Shapiro, Dr. Bruce, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop, also from 2013. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, bald brain. Here goes bear troll and Dr. Spaz. Great to be here in the hisy. Of course, the Urban Dictionary. Good lenses, bad frames. And he was the inspiration.

[Dr. Bruce]

You making any money off that crawl?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think I do. And as a matter of fact, they sell like mouse pads and stuff that say behind it and stuff on there. I should get my people on that.

[Dr. Bruce]

All my fans would buy something.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Yeah. How are you doing? How's the, the Murasol? Yeah. What are you seeing? What you see. Have you seen anything good?

[Dr. Bruce]

I got yelled at by a lady last night because she wouldn't have her kid's head. Hold still. And when I stuck the tongue blade in after trying for 10 minutes, it bled. And she was screaming at me. And that was my people don't come to the ER if you have a fever and a runny nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Scared the shit out of me.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, there's a lot of flu. It's not influenza.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like non Stop abuse.

[Ben Shapiro]

Dr.

[Adam Carolla]

Abuse.

[Ben Shapiro]

I have.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, I always talk about how we're sort of taking a turn. To me, it's all, it's all this. It's all part and parcel of the same thing, which is I'm flying with my dog and I'm taking my kid to the ER for the sniffles. And then I'm going to scream at the doctor like I'm very conscious of like other people seeing me do things that are kind of weird and out loud. Except for when I'm on stage, in which case I scream at everyone all the time. But the point is that's a performance. It'd be weird like yelling at a doctor or screaming, you know, like being the, you know, the, you know, when the, you know, 15 year old is being dragged away by the LAPD and the huge black mama is like screaming at the cops and beating them in the back of the head with her fists and she's like her ass is hanging out or like she's wearing a nightie but no underpants or something like that. I'd like to get as far away from that human being as possible. Not only physically, but spiritually.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, you wouldn't work in an er, that's for sure.

[Allison Rosen]

And he always wears underpants.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wear two sometimes. And I would have one forward, one backward. That's my way. I go like that band crisscross.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's the dumbing down of America. Your favorite topic. People are encouraged to come in.

[Adam Carolla]

America, America.

[Dr. Bruce]

And they come in. You have to treat them with respect.

[Adam Carolla]

Respect.

[Dr. Bruce]

No matter what the complaint is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know. Because they'll scream, you respect me.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right? No, really, I mean, it's just the bellwether event was Medicare doubling the reimbursement based on patient satisfaction, which, you know, may sound okay, but you're.

[Allison Rosen]

How do they assess that?

[Dr. Bruce]

They do patient interviews and review the chart. And it went from 1 to 2% of reimbursement, which doesn't sound like much, but it's a huge amount of money. And I mean, certainly you want to treat people with respect and you want them to be happy with their care, but there's a lot of crazy people out there.

[Allison Rosen]

What percentage of people coming in actually needed your help?

[Dr. Bruce]

Probably 20%.

[Adam Carolla]

And the other thing too is health care is one of these things that somehow we decided that everyone gets. No matter what you contribute, or in most cases don't contribute, we're all entitled to the top notch healthcare. 24 7, cradle the grave. And we can yell at the doctors, we can be demanded to be put on a flight and taken to the Mayo Clinic, even if we've never fucking paid a penny in taxes our whole life. I don't look at healthcare and everyone else does, but I don't look at it as any different than housing or anything else. I just don't think you have the right to anything. It is something that can be done and should be done for those who really need it. I mean, for those who are at the bottom End and need our help, they should get our help. The problem is, is when we start helping everyone, then the people that sort of need our help. Somebody tweeted me today that, like, the number of people on disability are an all fucking time high. What percentage. What percentage of people who are on disability, if they got a letter, oh, I'm gonna run this sting. If they got a letter in the mail that said, you've been selected to participate in Dr. Pepper's throw off and possibly win a Cadillac or a million dollars at the halftime of the Cotton bowl, where you just stand there with a bucket of footballs and you try to throw it through a hoop and an oversized Dr. Pepper can. What percentage of people who are currently claiming they were on disability would go, I'm sorry, I cannot participate in this attempt to win the Cadillac or the million dollars because I'm injured to the point where I'm not capable of standing up and throwing a football 10 yards into a giant Dr. Pepper can. I would bet you that you'd get somewhere between 55 and 85% of people going, what day is it? Yeah, I can be there. As a matter of fact, I'm going to the backyard right now and warm up with Timmy.

[Allison Rosen]

Grab a giant can.

[Adam Carolla]

Get anything that's round and takes air. Nat's your mother. Put her down. Put her down.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it depends on the population, I think Long Island Railroad did a study and some. It was like 90% of people retiring had a medical disability. I mean, that's obviously not possible, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's considered a perk to get a medical disability in some systems, I think. California, the workman's comp. I mean, that's been out of control. I think they're trying to.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was always my dream to fall off a ladder when I used to do construction.

[Dr. Bruce]

You'd probably break your neck.

[Seth Green]

Still good.

[Adam Carolla]

The day's young. All right, so what do you have there? So anyway, 20% of the people you see, you need to see the other 80% are just.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, the dumbing down part. I mean, you cannot be honest with a patient. You can't. And then people coming in for drugs, the virus get in and it's very. Okay, so first one, something near and dear to your heart.

[Adam Carolla]

He works ER to keep his Honda full of gas with Gail in his. Terry's not too bad. He's got good lenses, but real bad frames. Some call him Bruce, but there's another name. We call him Dr. Sp. We call him Dr. Spell. He'll put a finger up Your ass.

[Ben Shapiro]

Bear.

[Adam Carolla]

Troll.

[Dr. Bruce]

Hey, does Drew get the kudos that I get with that song? Can you make him one?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sherry's berries, baby. Valentine's Day giant freshly dipped strawberries starting at only $19.99. That's over 40% savings. Dipped in white chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, topped with them chocolate chips and or nuts and whatever you like. It's all good over there. Cherries, berries, and A deal for my listeners. You get double the berries for just 10 bucks more. So how do you get this amazing Valentine's Day deal? I'll tell you how. Pick up the phone. I like when they say pick up the phone as if he's just said call. People go with what you mean like Tarzan?

[Allison Rosen]

I just talk right into the keypad.

[Adam Carolla]

Call 866-fruit-02. That is the word zero and the number two. Or go to berries.com B, E, R, R, I, E, S. Click on the microphone and type in ACE. All right, interrupt my train of thought. Oh, you have no train of thought. It's off the track. It's a wooden train with square wheels. Back on that island of misfit toys.

[Dr. Bruce]

Can I tell you to shut up?

[Adam Carolla]

That is your train of thought. Shut up. It's a training bra of thought.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay. African American women avoid exercise because of their hair maintenance. This is a scientific study.

[Adam Carolla]

Who knew? Who knew?

[Dr. Bruce]

A total of 103 African American women aged 21 to 60 participated in the study, and nearly 40% said they didn't exercise due to the fact that it causes them to have issues with their hair.

[Adam Carolla]

I would like.

[Allison Rosen]

Honestly, when I get to the point where I really need to straighten my hair, I don't want to get sweaty either.

[Dr. Bruce]

You're not African American.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but I'm close enough Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, there's a huge problem with diabetes in that population. And there's also a problem we're talking about with drowning, too. Not knowing how to swim. It's another hair thing. Not dimension of fucking millions of dollars in man or woman hours that are going out the window. These chicks working on their hair.

[Dr. Bruce]

Here's okay, there's scientific evidence. The other's a product of your bias. The water thing. I haven't seen a study.

[Adam Carolla]

It's absolutely true. They don't want to fuck up their hair. You can't go in a swimming pool. I'm not saying their bones are more dense and they sink to the bottom or anything. Although I am looking into it. I'm moving on. I think it's the fact that they're wearing so Much jewelry, you know. But the point is, well, picture Mr. T in the deep end. Seriously, you got a problem there, my friend?

[Dave Damashek]

That's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I pity the fool that sees Mr. T in the pool.

[Allison Rosen]

It hasn't fished him out of the deep end.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the point is, they don't want to mess their hair up. So they don't want to go in the pool, and thus they don't learn to swim.

[Dr. Bruce]

Anecdotal. I don't want that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not making it. First off, if I'm saying it, it's true, number one. Number two, I didn't come up with this theory. It's out there. It's out there. You just told me they.

[Allison Rosen]

In the African American Journal of Science.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's a study that's been done. Look, you just told me they won't exercise because they don't want to fuck up the hair. Do you think you're going to get them in a swimming pool?

[Dr. Bruce]

Swimming pool is just another form of exercise. So let's just.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Just shut up.

[Ben Shapiro]

Wow.

[Dave Damashek]

We disagreed with you and disagreed with you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm fucking right, you retard. Now go.

[Dr. Bruce]

Listen, I work all night, slept all day, took my kid to the dentist and drive all the way here. Like the Bataan Death Drive. So just get off my back, all right?

[Adam Carolla]

I could get off your back if you fucking agree with me, you idiot.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not going to agree with you. What are you going to.

[Adam Carolla]

I come in here, it's a fucking. I get to come in here once every three months. What are you going to do? Interesting. You're right.

[Dr. Bruce]

My fans are very.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck you doing. All right, hurry up.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right, listen. Raising alcohol.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the point. Michelle Obama needs to go natural and set a trend. She needs to get the hair natural, make it become a trend, because she's a pillar in black and white community. They see that hair. Everyone lets their hair go natural, and then they lose the weight because they can go to the gym and they hop in the pool.

[Dr. Bruce]

Why don't they just get a. Why doesn't she get a fro? I mean, that would be the biggest statement of.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what he's saying. That's. What.

[Dr. Bruce]

Is that natural?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I wish it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, Adam, if I'm irritating you, I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not gonna come in here.

[Adam Carolla]

Doctor on the planet. What?

[Dr. Bruce]

You said I was smarter than Drew before. What happened to that? Okay, fair enough.

[Adam Carolla]

I was drunk. Dr. Hook is a smarter doctor than you certification.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay. Raising alcohol prices saves lives. This is very interesting. After raising alcoholic drink prices by 10%, this is in British Columbia, the alcohol related deaths dropped by nearly a third.

[Adam Carolla]

It works that way. With that rate, raise the price of a gallon of gas to $18 and you'll get cars off the road.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, it's a little different with alcohol.

[Adam Carolla]

People die when they drive their vehicles. Right, Right. All right, so raise the price and then get them off the road.

[Dr. Bruce]

And this study was of course, contested by the Scotch Whiskey Association.

[Adam Carolla]

I like those guys. All right, lampshades off. Gather round. Come on, Seamus, seriously, stop trying to fuck a family member. Get over here.

[Dave Damashek]

That's not a gavel, that's your remote control.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, it's come to order. Now, somebody read the minutes from the last meeting. Okay, but here he just kept dropping F bombs. That was it. And then you threw up in your lampshade.

[Dave Damashek]

Someone threw open these minutes.

[Seth Green]

All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Also, we know that raising the drinking age from 18 to 21 decreases drunk driving accidents in 16 and 17 year olds hugely. Well, that's. Why isn't there drinking age 21 everywhere?

[Adam Carolla]

Look, if you raise. If McDonald's charged $9 for a big Mac, they'd sell a lot less Big Macs and then we'd be healthier.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right, but why don't we follow this with public health policy? It's because of the lobbies of special interest groups.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's because we live in a country where we decided a long time ago that if. If Ronald McDonald and or the Grimace wanted to get together and set a price for their product.

[Dave Damashek]

Just. Grimace, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, Grimace. That we could. Even when Mayor McCheese tried to intervene when he was on his second term, we agreed that. Well, that's it. Now, I like the part where they put up the caloric qualities and intake and whatever up on the price chart there and all that stuff. I'm fine with the information part, but the part where we go, hey, people are fat and unable to control themselves, so let's make your shit 8 bucks instead of 89 cents. That's a slippery slope because I feel like we could just do that with everything. You get people off the road, charge for ammunition, just charge $100 a bullet. You know, charge $20 a gallon. Get people off. You know, we could get people to stop using tap water and stop watering their lawns. Like, we could get people to stop everything. Just raise the price.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, in England, they're considering giving general practitioners the ab. Cut their patients benefits if they don't lose weight. Is that the kind of draconian policy talking?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm all for the shaming and I'm all for the telling. Look, if it's a. Here's what I'm saying. If you're. Would you rather. I'm just gonna. I'm sighing in advance. I'm sighing in advance. Cause I'm asking a straight ahead question. Would you rather your son be a smoker or morbidly obese?

[Dr. Bruce]

A smoker.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd rather he'd be a smoker because you feel like he would live longer and have a higher quality of life as a smoker than a morbidly obese person?

[Dr. Bruce]

I think it. Well, I'm just in my mind gestalt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes or no? Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

This is why I get spastic. I can't answer that question.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not on trial here. Why did you say smoker?

[Dr. Bruce]

Because my mental gestalt for somebody smoking is that they're probably more productive, they're probably a little more hyper, they're gonna be a more successful. So he dies young.

[Adam Carolla]

Morbidly obese.

[Dr. Bruce]

Morbidly obese. He's sitting on a couch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know, but you die younger when you're morbidly obese.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's another reason. Sure, but I'm thinking of just productivity.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Dr. Bruce]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

So I also argue it's easier to quit smoking than to lose a bunch of weight.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, not to guys who smoke for 25 years.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

They're both.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm. Well, the point is. But I'm saying this is more reason why you'd want the smoker to be your son.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way is a doctor. If you're able. If you have someone who smokes, then you should obviously be able to talk to that person about, hey, man, you're smoking in insurance companies. Well, there's one price for smokers and there's one price for non smokers. Do the same thing for fat people.

[Dr. Bruce]

Whose segment is this? Because what you do is you rant and I don't get to all my topics.

[Adam Carolla]

Just fucking spit your shit out and leave, would you?

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay. I'm not staying for the next segment too.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we have smart people coming in here.

[Dr. Bruce]

Diet soda mixers make you drunker. And this is something I almost hesitate to tell your fans.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Dr. Bruce]

They're probably gonna go out and buy.

[Adam Carolla]

A Diet Coke now they're drinking Mangria, but put the Diet Coke in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Have a take on this.

[Dr. Bruce]

Let me just tell you what he has to say.

[Ace]

On the average.

[Adam Carolla]

You wanna shit on it now or let her spit it out?

[Dr. Bruce]

You know?

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, I wanna hear. I wanna hear what he has to say for that.

[Dr. Bruce]

I have the same respect for me that you expect. Stop interrupting me. Yeah, the Marisol.

[Adam Carolla]

You drive a Honda minivan with pizza boxes in it.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's an element Sc.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Dr. Bruce]

On the average, the diet drinkers had a peak blood alcohol content that was 18% higher. So it means you mix your drinks with a diet drink. Your body, your stomach doesn't know what to do. When it's sugar, it slows the uptake. So it's a significant increase in this study.

[Adam Carolla]

18%.

[Dr. Bruce]

18%. These guys. So the difference in these people drinking was from 0.09, which is legally drunk, from 0.077, which is also almost legally drunk. But it's enough to make a big difference.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said it many times. Like when they do those studies and they go, look, we're gonna figure out the effects of sleep deprivation and extreme cold on the human anatomy. Or we're doing one that involves Jack Daniels and Diet Pepsi. I'd be like, yeah, I'm gonna gowell. Wait, first I'm doing the cocaine one, then I'm gonna be doing the coke and Jack. The Jack and Coke one.

[Allison Rosen]

And then the compulsive sex one.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, yeah, that one.

[Allison Rosen]

But isn't what they're saying just if you drink on an empty stomach, you're gonna get.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This has to do sugar absorption, slowing the rate of alcohol absorption, et cetera.

[Allison Rosen]

But that's the same as having. Sorry. That's the same as having something else in your stomach besides the alcohol. It's like saying if you. It's like saying if you're eating or if you're eating sugar while you're drinking, you're gonna get drunk slower than you drinking.

[Dr. Bruce]

But if you have an empty stomach, compare diet drink with regular soda. Full stomach.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, so hold on.

[Dr. Bruce]

I see what you're saying, but it's interrupting my train of thought again.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, the one with the square wheels. So now, what about tears that come out of the chimney there?

[Dr. Bruce]

Smokestack forging on.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, hold on a second.

[Seth Green]

Hold on.

[Dr. Bruce]

Let me just tell you the next thing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no. I'm trying to figure out if Allison has a point here. If it's empty stomach, you absorb the sugar, and that causes the 18% difference. But what if you had a hoagie or something in your stomach? It wouldn't absorb the Sugar quite as much?

[Dr. Bruce]

No, the refined sugar is going to be more quickly absorbed. So the initial absorption is still going to be inhibited by having the sugar.

[Adam Carolla]

Versus the diet, but maybe lessened if you had a full belly.

[Seth Green]

But all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right, I'm interested. That's a good story.

[Dr. Bruce]

How many angels on the head of a pin? Okay. Alcohol mixed with energy drinks is also a dangerous combination. No.

[Ben Shapiro]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, believe you me, that turbocharges every douchebag in the city.

[Dr. Bruce]

Listen to this analogy. In fact, drinking just one energy drink with alcohol may be equivalent to drinking a whole bottle of wine and several cups of coffee. It's a big difference. So the morons that are having sugar free Red Bull with vodka and have several of those are much more wasted and dangerous than the rest of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

I do hate those people the most.

[Dave Damashek]

That was my bashavarty.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Dr. Bruce]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome.

[Dave Damashek]

It was a good time.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Speaking of good times. What are you talking about?

[Dr. Bruce]

My segment of the show. That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Your segment of the show? Yeah. That's a good time. Let me tell you about pro flowers, baby. Oh yeah. Let's not drop that Valentine's Day ball, Bruce. Any lucky lady.

[Dr. Bruce]

Do you think I talk about that in this forum? Oh my God.

[Allison Rosen]

We're supportive and we care.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not that codependent.

[Adam Carolla]

Candy stripers in your life?

[Dr. Bruce]

Candy stripers are very young.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyone administering emergency medicine to you, I.

[Adam Carolla]

Will tell you my informal study. When they went from the tight fitting, form fitting nurses outfits into the scrubs, they all packed on £40.

[Dr. Bruce]

That's prescient. That's very, very good observation.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a lot easier to eat in sweatpants. It's very, very good in tight form fitting jeans. I'm telling you. Here's the argument I'd like to make. I'll bet you people that wear a uniform of some kind of, you know, a form fitting sort of, you know, I'm a waitress over at this theme restaurant or something. They don't pack the weight on nearly as much as the. No one should have ever.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Someone who wears jeans versus stretched jeans doesn't pack on the weight as much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When you handed those nurses scrubs instead of that nursing outfit. Mmm. The average weight of the nurse is up. I say 40 pounds. I mean 65 pounds.

[Dr. Bruce]

This whole conversation based on weight is tainted by your bigotry. What does the looks have to do with things? It's the ability of the nurse to practice medicine.

[Adam Carolla]

It's unhealthy. For them. And it's like you showing up and working on a patient, smoking and going, hey, do as I say, not as I do. You can't be living an unhealthy lifestyle and then be preaching a healthy lifestyle that people don't listen to you.

[Dr. Bruce]

Then don't go to any neurosurgeons. Crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Done and done. But tell that to Brian. Anyway, where was I? Valentine's Day. Ah, only three days left. Let's get going, people. Got flowers to order. Proflowers. You got to get going now. So they arrive on Valentine's day and today only two dozen rainbow roses in a free glass vase. Just 29.99. Two dozen. Two dozen. That's like.

[Dr. Bruce]

12.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like 20 more than. It's less than 25 and more than 20 roses. Rainbow roses for under $30. You can upgrade to the long stem roses, by the way, and the gourmet chocolate and the spa kit for just 10 bucks more. This is an outrage. Call 800 Pro Flowers. That's 800 Pro Flowers. Mention Ace or go to proflowers.com, click on the microphone at the top of the right hand corner and type in ace. Let them know I sent you. Yes.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not done. Okay, one last. Because I know you're trying to kick.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. You started.

[Dr. Bruce]

Why would you do advertising segments during my segment?

[Allison Rosen]

He doesn't do it during everyone's segments.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, he doesn't.

[Dave Damashek]

To wake the listeners up.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, hey, you don't want to get on my bad side.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Or else what?

[Dr. Bruce]

We won't go there.

[Adam Carolla]

We won't go there.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Seth Green]

All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay. So this is specifically for you, Adam. I will if you will. What motivates spouses to get fit and manage illness? Now, women tend to be the family's gatekeeper on health issues, so we speculate that women may be more aware if the husband is ready to make changes.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you ready? There's changes.

[Dr. Bruce]

I don't want to get personal, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Some things I think changes in terms of a new person to be with. Health related.

[Dr. Bruce]

No health related behaviors.

[Allison Rosen]

He shaved.

[Dr. Bruce]

I thought he looked like a lumberjack. The other one. Listen, don't try and distract me. Focus. Third hand smoke is now fact. I know you hate thirdhand smoke. No, listen. The chemicals that are deposited in household drapes, these are things that could affect your kid's health. Lynette didn't put me up to this.

[Adam Carolla]

But listen, I smoke two cigarettes a night when I get home and drink.

[Dr. Bruce]

You think that's not a slippery Slope.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, slippery slope. I would have smoked more. I mean, it's been 15 years of that. Are you kidding me?

[Dr. Bruce]

And don't you think maybe your sleep issues are related? Now, alcohol is the worst thing you do before you go to sleep. If you have insomnia problems. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

It's in my top three.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, well, that's why you're not a doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

One and two are beating off twice. That's right. Yeah. No, here's the thing about me. I'm not a health nut, but I lead a fairly healthy life. I exercise on a regular basis. I don't overindulge anything. I could probably cut out the cigarette at night and the booze. But you know what? I like it. And the reason. And I tell people all the time, look, here's a reason why I never would become a smoker. Like a daily daytime, you know, get up, smoke, smoke in my car, smoke all day. I never want to become that because I don't want to quit. I enjoy my cigarette. I had a day, incredible long day today. And at night, I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine and I'm going to have a cigarette and I'm going to completely relax and enjoy. But if I wake up tomorrow morning and I go, where's that cigarette? And I need some more wine, then I have to quit. And I don't want to quit.

[Dr. Bruce]

Mangria or wine.

[Adam Carolla]

Mangria.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, that's not healthy. No, shouldn't do that. The red wine. I think a glass of red wine, maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

But mangria is practically all red wine. Wiseacre.

[Dr. Bruce]

It's alcohol fortified wine. It's just creating alcoholics out there. Drew should be ashamed of himself. He hasn't taken you on the carpet for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

And then I'm gonna talk to Lynette.

[Adam Carolla]

About at least he owns Carpet five. Carpenter. You're on a sub. You live on a subfloor. Oh, Drew was just laughing, saying, you know, I'll bet you Dr. Bruce lives on OSB oriented strand board that a lot of people use as a subflooring.

[Dr. Bruce]

Listen, you wouldn't say that because I have to fill in for him on Loveline like once in a while.

[Seth Green]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Next week.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay, listen, well, last thing, I'm going to talk to Lynette about a gluten free diet for your family. And.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell you this, I talked to Bill Simmons, the sports guy, and he's a gluten free guy and I'm cool. And I hope you do I'm fine with that.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, what's the snicker for?

[Adam Carolla]

You're not fine. I'm laughing because you're talking Lynette about diet. Because I talked to. I talked to Lynette about Sonny. I said, you know, kids. He was eating a donut after whatever. And I said, it's just the men and the women and the wiring. You know, I like, yeah, Sonny's eating a donut and eats, you know, Captain Crunch or eats whatever Honey Nut Cheerios. I said, we gotta get some protein into this kid's diet. And she went, why don't you get up in the morning cooking breakfast? I thought, oh, okay. Well, that solves the problem. You go to Detroit and play a theater, and I'll get up in the morning and do the thing. But then I realize. I think she's pissed off. And then she's pissed off because she's feeling like you're doing a lot of criticizing lately. And then I realize, see, to me, I'm not criticizing. I'm saying, this is our son. We should get him. I want to give him some protein. We got to figure out a way to give him some protein. I'm not saying you're ugly and he doesn't need that donut. Like, I'm just going that. But I realize women are wired to hear that kind of stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it sounds like. Cause she feels responsible for his diet. So therefore, if you're saying there's something wrong with it, you're blaming her.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's how it is. Here's how it is. No, no, it's just stuff. Just a bunch of stuff. I'll give you an example. She brought me my cup of coffee and set it next to my bed, which is very nice. And she said, my peanut butter, like, you know, health bar, whatever. On top of it. Like, set it on top of it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Wrapper.

[Adam Carolla]

Unwrappered wrapper.

[Dr. Bruce]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

The hot coffee melted the bar, so when I pulled it out, it, like, spilled out into my hands. So I said, thank you for that, but in the future, put the bar next to the coffee cup, because put on top the hot coffee melts it. That goes down as a why you ride me kind of thing. And so for me, all I really want is not to have the bar melted on top of the thing. And I know there's this thing where people go, well, then move it yourself, or don't, whatever. But it's like, I'm not saying anything other than thank you. Just set it down next to it. I appreciate the way she set it up and everything. There's no way she could have anticipated this. It's not a critique. It's just a.

[Dr. Bruce]

Wait a second. How long would it take her?

[Allison Rosen]

She's being such an asshole.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say to.

[Allison Rosen]

Why?

[Dr. Bruce]

How long did you wait? For the future? No, but if you just moved it. She carries it upstairs, puts it. If you just moves up.

[Adam Carolla]

I was laying in bed.

[Dr. Bruce]

You were watching the bar, waiting for it to melt so that you could yell at Lynette. Okay, listen to me. What you should do is say, well, Lynette, when you make a comment out of the cereal, you should make the comment. You should go to Whole Foods, find a protein rich breakfast food for Sonny and say, honey, look what I found for Sonny. Wouldn't this be better for him in the morning?

[Adam Carolla]

How am I going to do that?

[Dr. Bruce]

You're good at delegating.

[Adam Carolla]

How am I going to do that? From the airport in Detroit at 5:30?

[Allison Rosen]

They have peanuts. Oh, they don't have pinas.

[Dr. Bruce]

Let me play my violin.

[Adam Carolla]

Poor. Please.

[Dr. Bruce]

How many times you go to Detroit? Every day.

[Adam Carolla]

Every day?

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah. Listen, I'm not taking any crap from you. I'm just telling you what I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes I go to East Lansing.

[Dr. Bruce]

I hate to tell you, sometimes you're not right, sometimes you're wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I'm always right. It's just the tone can be wrong.

[Dr. Bruce]

When Lynette called me, when Natalia, of course, if I weren't around, your marriage would have broken up by now. Because I'm giving your wife support.

[Adam Carolla]

I talk about to hit her head.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, no, no. Many, many times.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the concussion?

[Seth Green]

Yeah.

[Dr. Bruce]

And so I was in the ER seeing a patient and one of the docs was there. They apparently listened to Sean. I said, oh, I was talking to my. Anyway, so they said, what do you think Adam would do? He probably will tell his wife his interpretation mechanically of hitting the head and the risk and determine exactly whether or not you tell him. She should get a CAT scan, whether or not you tell him this or just. Just like. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, look, she. First off, I know she didn't. I know she didn't hit her head hard. She ground her head like she skinned her head. But she didn't do that back whip thing, like when the quarterback's head gets slammed down on your back that way. She fell down and scraped her stuff. She didn't. She didn't do the. That kind of thing. And she was fine.

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, there, you're making my point. So you probably said to Lynette, don't call Dr. Bruce. Listen, this is the way it is. The kid did that.

[Ben Shapiro]

Right? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I said keep. We need to keep an ey her. We need to see if she gets nauseated. That's an indicator. I said most the trouble starts with the second trauma, so. Meaning if you get concussed in a football game, they take you out of the football game. There's not that much they can do for you. I mean, if there's no internal bleeding or anything, they sit you down. The trouble starts when they put you. When you say, I'm fine, and you go back into the game and you have a concussed brain and you have more head trauma, but there's no game for Natalia to go back into. She's just playing with her video games on the sofa. So I said make sure she's not nauseated. Don't have her fall asleep and keep an eye on her. Just check.

[Dr. Bruce]

It doesn't matter. You're not trained to make those recommendations. I think you have medical narcissism. Just like what did you want to do with the sty? You wanted to stick a hot needle through it.

[Adam Carolla]

I've lanced myself a million times.

[Dr. Bruce]

You're a pediatrician, too?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've lanced a carbuncle on myself.

[Dr. Bruce]

Before I tell Lynette, call me anytime. Make sure you call me. In fact, it's more trauma to the.

[Adam Carolla]

Kid to drag them to the hospital and get them the mri. I knew she was lucid. She was fine. She was playing games. She was fine.

[Dr. Bruce]

I was just concerned because I didn't.

[Ben Shapiro]

Get the call back.

[Dr. Bruce]

I knew why. Because you said, Dah, don't call Dr. Bruce.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause I don't mind kids being kids. Kids fall down, they get scraped. They don't have to get an MRI every time. And I know. Look, I'm holding up a calendar right now. What's that calendar have on it, people?

[Allison Rosen]

A child with a helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

A child with a helmet.

[Dr. Bruce]

No, that's for randy shaping. That's for reshaping.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Guess who has one of these $4,000 fucking helmets.

[Dr. Bruce]

I told you not to.

[Adam Carolla]

I said not to, too. Right? Because I know it's a scam. I know it's a scam. Yes. The specialist. These specialists again. Crook or stupid? We have stupider liar. But this is a person. It's a scam. The doctor sends him to the specialist. The specialist takes a couple measurements, says that Sonny's sunglasses are gonna sit on him sideways like Mr. Potato Head, and You should go ahead and get this fucking four thousand dollar piece of shit for Sonny's head. No, Sonny is the most symmetrical looking little boy on the planet. He's like me. He's hot and he doesn't know it. Okay? And that's what makes him hot.

[Dr. Bruce]

Listen, the reason doctors recommend those things, they know long term, seven, ten years later, there's no difference if you have it or not. But you look funny. And the misshapen head is present in the next few years, where it's not if you put the helmet on.

[Adam Carolla]

So people committed, they want you to wear a helmet 23 hours out of the day.

[Dr. Bruce]

But you do look better. For a while, it does make a difference. But long term, it doesn't make a difference.

[Adam Carolla]

He looked fine. He didn't.

[Dr. Bruce]

You're avoiding. My point is that doctors are pressured by the public that unrealistic.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm pressured by common sense.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, you're not gonna go back and sue the doctor because Sonny's head's machined.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'd like to sue the fucking hack who made me pay $4,000 or the insurance company pay $4,000 for a helmet that's being used as a doorstop right now that he wore less than six minutes of. We strapped it on his head, sweat started pouring off, he started crying. He made the face you just made and we pulled it off him and that was it. And now he's hot and he doesn't know it.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, don't tell him.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's bring it home.

[Dr. Bruce]

Bruce. Childhood emotional abuse dramatically strong among male alcohol dependent individuals. So I hope that stressor does not raise Sonny's risk of alcoholism.

[Adam Carolla]

The helmet. Oh, no, he's fine. He thinks he's the fastest boy in the world.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, you encourage him to pee in the sinks? Probably more stressful.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll get up there.

[Dr. Bruce]

Father, role model extraordinaire.

[Adam Carolla]

American. Please forget. Let's not forget. All right, Bruce, you done?

[Dr. Bruce]

Not really, but I think I've stretched it about as much as I can.

[Adam Carolla]

You can Twitter him. You'll be the first to Twitter him @Dr. Bruce H. I was gonna say bust that Twitter hyman on Dr. Bruce.

[Dr. Bruce]

Yeah, I got a bunch of of fans too. I'm doing Loveline next Wednesday for Drew. So if you really want to hear something funny, listen to me. Giving sex advice on Loveline. That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be good. What happened to Simone on that show? They got rid of the girl.

[Dr. Bruce]

I'm not privy to that.

[Adam Carolla]

And if I wasn't she's not there anymore? No, no.

[Ben Shapiro]

Who's there now?

[Dr. Bruce]

Emily, I think from Playboy or something.

[Adam Carolla]

They were gonna find a super funny young Latin guy to replace me. It's been seven years. What's going on?

[Dr. Bruce]

Oh, to replace you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I can't find that guy. Huh?

[Dr. Bruce]

And who was that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's what. That's what they told me. Said we're gonna get ourselves a young Latin guy who's super funny, and we're gonna replace you with him. And I said, good luck.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Mario Lopez is on Extra.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a barrel of laughs, but he's even a little too old. But anyway, I'm sure they'll find a guy any day now. All right, let's take ourselves. Oh, speaking of Dr. Drew, want to hear a clip? And we were laughing about this. Do you have that now? Dr. Drew told me. You can hear it. Dr. Drew and I. What was our show on Thursdays and Sundays or something like that? Figure that out. Oh, it was yesterday's episode. It's every Sunday and Thursday. Oh, it's yesterday's episode, all right. Dr. Drew made a mistake saying something to me. I was listening to a biological anthropology lecture, and they were saying that the greatest advancement in human evolution is the division of powers and labor and abilities between men and women. They feel like that's the thing that set the stage for humans to take over the globe, that every child basically gets two brains looking after them with two different sets of information in it, the male and the female. And that single. That diversion that developed and sort of further evolved was the greatest advancement in humanity. Neanderthals, apparently no different between men and women. Neanderthals hunted the same child, reared the same. And they think that's why Neanderthals did not succeed and Homo sapiens did. Isn't that interesting? Well, it's interesting that I get it called a Neanderthal. When I asked that my wife does the cooking and that I come home and protect people and pay the bills, I'm called a Neanderthal for that concept, Drew. Ironic. Yes.

[Seth Green]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm not saying what the division of powers is, but the fact is that the brains, the huge corpus callosum that women have, and the more evolved right side of their brain. You disagree with me. I think it's a better form of the human being. Although I get criticized even for saying that. Well, it's good if you don't have to do anything. No bullshit. It's a better thing. Yeah, look, there would be wars. It's better Just add the score up of or it'd be better. But if you lived in San Francisco and you wanted to go to Tiburon, you'd take a ferry that was made of logs and tampons. Okay. There would not be a Golden Gate Bridge. You'd have to take a tampon kayak.

[Ace]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

They would have invented the tampon. You would have a max. They would have a tampon barge take you to Tiburon. You understand me?

[Dr. Bruce]

I dig.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right.

[Dr. Bruce]

Where's his mistake? What are you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well. Well, every time he talks, he talks like his wife is standing next to him. So he does a lot of ass kissing. But interesting point that he's making that men's brains are different than women's brains. And thus my argument of two women or two men versus a man and a woman raising a child is not completely the same. It is better to have the two different brains. I'm not saying which one's better. I'm just saying I think nature knew what they were doing. I don't care if gays adopt. I like it that they adopt. God bless them that they're adopting this notion that I used to say, if I had my kids and the gay activists love to run off and just go, well, I hate gays because they like to twist my words and lie. I said, all things being equal, same neighborhood, same income, same minivan. I want a man and a woman because I think from a nature standpoint, it's a mandate for raising kids. I'll take the rich gay couple over the tweakers that live out in Riverside county any day of the week, but all things being the same. And Bruce, Dr. Drew just said the brains are different in men and women. And I see it in my wife all the time. She's much better at what she does with those kids than I would be. And I'm much better at what I do than she would be.

[Dr. Bruce]

The question would be, in a gay couple, does one individual mirror more the male?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure the bottom steps it up a little bit. Yeah. And does a chick thing, a tampon barge.

[Allison Rosen]

It would get you a little bit and then, you know, take you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point, man. Yeah, you'd never get to Tiburon. All right, Bruce, begone. We have a real intellect coming in here. Ben Shapiro, he wrote a book called Bullies.

[Dr. Bruce]

Well, he has complete Jewish genes, unlike my half.

[Adam Carolla]

How the left. How the left's culture. Fear and intimidation. Hold on. What did I say?

[Seth Green]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Intimidation. Silence, America. And it's available on Amazon. And I listen to this guy in the morning and I love the this cat. Also, he entered UCLA at 16. It's just like the ace man became the youngest nationally syndicated columnist at 17. It's like we're living the same life over here. All right. We'll take ourselves a quick break. Ben Shapiro in next. Here's what not to watch on TV tonight at 6:30 on TV, TV Guide Network. Don't watch who's the Boss? After Angela turns down his marriage proposal, Tony hatches a plot to propose again. Special guest appearance by bubba Smith at 8 on DFH. Be sure to miss confessions. Animal hoarding. A would be breeder of boodles. A cross between a bulldog and a poodle is overwhelmed. And a 10 on a and E definitely don't watch shipping wars. Faulty children's toys are returned to their manufacturer and Roy hauls a huge wooden hamster wheel. That's what not to watch on TV tonight. Now back to the Adam Carolla Show. Sad that I want to watch who's the Boss.

[Allison Rosen]

I was gonna say like I feel like two out of three of those are fine with me.

[Adam Carolla]

Bubba Smith, Ben Shapiro, Great to us see in person.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah, you too.

[Adam Carolla]

I listen to Ben in the mornings here in Southern California and he's just, you know, there are people on the right and people on the left and I think they're people you'd want to argue with and people you wouldn't want to argue with. And Ben is one of the guys who you would not want to argue with because he is just whip smart and seems to have every answer. So let's talk about the book. You say the left's culture of fear and intimidation silences America. What do you mean by that?

[Ben Shapiro]

I mean obviously political correctness plays into this. But I think that in general what I'm talking about is that the left seems to want to debate the policies less and less these days. They're much more interested in saying that people on the other side of the aisle are morally benighted, morally deficient. There's something wrong with us as human beings. See this with Obama on gun control as a good example, right. He stands up there and he flanks himself with seven year old kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ben Shapiro]

And you know, you get that routine which is his seven year old children. If you don't agree with him, it's cuz you don't care about those seven year old kids.

[Dr. Bruce]

Right?

[Ben Shapiro]

Piers Morgan does this.

[Adam Carolla]

Piers Morgan said, first off, I've said it a million times. Who decided we needed Piers Morgan over here. We should take a super annoying guy and send him over to England just to fuck with everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Who do you recommend?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd take Tom Arnold. He's a friend. But I'd be willing to put. Send him over there. And he just gets his own talk show. And he just blabbers about stuff and doesn't make any sense and yells at people. Doesn't make any sense. I mean, yes. What it is, it's a sort of a language that says, don't argue with us about this topic because we're not going to argue about the topic and we're not going to look at statistics and numbers.

[Allison Rosen]

None of those.

[Adam Carolla]

None of those. We're going to talk about emotional stuff. There are answers. Anti woman, you're anti immigrant, you're anti everything.

[Ben Shapiro]

This is why Romney lost. And it's actually Romney's fault. Because the fact is that I think both candidates did a good job of actually explaining what they thought their opponent was. Romney said that Obama, basically, nice guy, believes in the Constitution, believes in the Declaration, basically has good American values. He's not very good at being president. And Obama argued that Romney was the worst guy since Stalin. I mean, he was a guy who strapped dogs to the top of his cars and fired employees. Their wives would die of cancer later.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't pay his fair share. He only paid 4 14% on his $20 million raise tax. Get into the dividends part and everything. People have pretty short memories, honestly. They'd interview people on the street and go, does Mitt Romney pay taxes? No, he doesn't pay taxes. And it's like, yes, he does. He pays a ton more than you do. So I don't understand why he becomes the enemy. And I could never figure this out. But my feeling as a sort of atheist is just, let's figure out what the problem is and attempt to solve it. I don't really care about the kids flanking you, and I don't care what skin color you are or who you pray to or anything. I just want to. Whether it's education or violence or whatever plagues us, let's put everything on the table and see if we can figure out a way to do it. By the way, I was back in the day for handing out clean needles to junkies. Cause I was like, if you're gonna spread AIDS around, I'll give you a clean needle. It'll save me money to spend 99 cents on a couple of needles rather than put you in hospice care. Like, I'm fine with that.

[Ben Shapiro]

Listen, we can look at all those policies. And I think that it's worthwhile looking at all these policies from the perspective of how do we help people. Unfortunately, I think that it's more effective nowadays to look at it from the perspective of. You're a douchebag. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I never understood the part too where it's like the city council needed to represent, like if we, if we were 10% Asian, we needed an Asian guy up there. I thought the whole deal was just set the best policy you can, not for your own. It's actually, to me, it feels very racist and sort of anti what they're trying to do by going, hold on, we only have one black guy and one Asian guy when we should have two and a half black guys and one and a half Asian. As if they're only gonna make policies that help Asians or blacks. That's insane. Why don't we have them in power?

[Ben Shapiro]

It's vitally important to the left that they be able to do that. It's vitally important to the left that they be able to cast the immigration debate as Republicans don't like brown people. Because the truth is that most Americans basically agree on immigration. I think that we ought to do something with the folks who are here. I just think we ought to secure the border first or we're gonna have a mass wave of folks who cross the border.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you're anti immigrant. They don't even do illegal immigrant, by the way. It's illegal immigrant that you have a problem with. Not immigrants. Cuz we're all immigrants.

[Ben Shapiro]

And it's not even anti illegal immigrants. It's anti brown people. Right. It's people who are Hispanic. Cause you wouldn't care about like an illegal immigrant from Ireland or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I've said it a million times. People think I'm racist because I live in Los Angeles and I've seen Los Angeles essentially turn into sort of meh, half Mexico. And I said, look, if the top three radio stations were all Polish speaking, we had a Polish mayor. Every sign was written in English and Polish. When I dialed a wrong number, I got a guy speaking Polish on the other line. I would say, you know what? I don't want to live in Poland. I have nothing against Poland, but I like living in America. And this is turning into a little too much Polish territory for me. Well then that'd be fine because they have blue eyes and they're white and. And people understand. Yeah, okay, you don't want to eat at a Polish restaurant every night. And when you go to the atm, you don't want it to ask you, do you want this in Polish or do you want this in English? It wouldn't be that, but because they're a different color, then you get slapped with this whole fucking racial bullshit. And then you're supposed to. The whole plan is you go cower in the corner because you're being called a racist, and then we win the next election. And by the way, all of them after that, because we painted you as this person.

[Ben Shapiro]

And by the way, it's bad for all the Hispanics in California. Of course, if you want people to be successful, there's a reason they're crossing the border this way and we're not crossing the border that way. It's because our culture is better than Mexican culture.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course.

[Ben Shapiro]

But if we say that, then we'll.

[Dr. Bruce]

Say it all the time.

[Ben Shapiro]

I know you say it all the time. I hear you do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yes. Look, here's the deal. Not every culture's the same.

[Ben Shapiro]

Whoa, watch yourself there.

[Adam Carolla]

There's some cultures that we can agree upon that do things like ethnic cleansing and things to women and things like that that we just go, so that's wrong. We disagree with it, and it's wrong. So there are cultures that are better than ours. I'm sure they're out there somewhere and their cultures were better than. You take the sort of Canadian, Mexican thing, and you go, well, there doesn't seem to be so many Canadians coming down here, but there's a few more. Well, because our culture is probably better than Mexico's culture, but I don't know if it's much better than Canada. So. But whatever percentage that is, if it's twice as good as the country to the south and the same as the one to the north, then where is the immigration gonna come from? That's it. And people get all freaked out about it. But that's the bottom line, right?

[Ben Shapiro]

And they have to. But here's the thing. The left has to continue this myth that all cultures are equal in order so that they can slander people on the other side. Because the fact is, it's all about winning elections for the left. It's a business. Here's the thing. The reason you look at Republican candidates, I looked at those candidates on the stage in 2012. I said, who are these morons? I mean, honestly, you looked at the Republican candidates, and it was like it was a loser's brigade. And you looked at the Democratic candidates, right. And you saw that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a Stallone movie, by the way. Yeah, I'll watch ya.

[Ben Shapiro]

Right. In 2008, you saw those candidates on the stage, and it was the best and the brightest, except for Joe Biden, that the Democratic Party had to offer. I mean, Hillary's a very bright person. Barack Obama is a very bright person. For these folks, it is a profession. This is what they do professionally. Republicans have jobs. We have things that we like to do. Conservatives have, you know, they like to create products and services for other people. And Democrats like to take those products and services and redistribute them in the name of fairness. And so for those folks, it's a business, and they think of it like a business. And the way that you win in that business is by destroying the competition and more of the competition.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when, and here's the real question, how does this ever turn around? If you have more people who aren't in that 1% and you're asking the 99% to vote on whether that 1% should pay a higher tax burden, then how's that ever gonna turn around? Who is ever gonna right that ship?

[Ben Shapiro]

You know, I'm not sure that the American people have bought fully into kind of the 47% Mitt Romney description of that mentality. I think that most Americans still want the government to leave them the hell alone so that they can live their lives. I just think that a lot of Americans, I mean, I have. A lot of. Most of my relatives are liberal. I'm Jewish, right? I mean, I'm Jewish in la. All of my relatives are liberal. Except for my immediate family, everybody is liberal. So we can't talk politics at Thanksgiving because they think I'm a jackass, right? Because I think I'm conservative.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always interesting because Dennis Prager always says, preach what you practice, which is the Jews are very conservative in terms of family and in terms of education and in terms of fiscal responsibility and all the stuff that a lot of conservatives preach. The Jews live their life that way, but then vote very because they think.

[Ben Shapiro]

That conservatives are bad people. And this is the thing, right? You have to first debunk the argument that you're a bad person. And you can't do that. Honestly, you can't do that. By when someone calls you a bad person, you say, you know what? That's reasonable. You can't say that. If someone calls you a racist, that's what makes them a bad person. If someone calls you a racist without evidence, they are a bad human being, because you can't use a slur like that. The defense to your Racist is not. No, I'm not a racist. I have black friends. Horrible defense. The defense to I'm a racist is, no, you're a racist for using the word racism to describe my policy on voter id, which has nothing to do with race.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you think is criteria for calling someone a racist?

[Ben Shapiro]

I think that the criteria is the definition of racism. If you think that, for example, black people are genetically inferior and black people have a tendency toward crime, that would be a racist position. Right. Without any. Racism has a textbook definition, and it means something, and words mean something. And it's not racist to say, hey, everybody ought to show an ID to prove that they are who they are before they vote. Right. And when you say that that's a racist thing, what you're actually doing is watering down real racism. It's like the boy who cried wolf. Use racism to describe everything. And then when you're talking about actual racism, actual racist policies, then it doesn't mean anything anymore because.

[Adam Carolla]

So if you're saying producing an ID to vote is too tall an order for most black people or a segment of black people, then you're saying that's racist. I think it's racist, yeah. Because it's like it's saying you can.

[Ben Shapiro]

Black people are too stupid to get.

[Adam Carolla]

Ideas what other people can easily achieve. And then people. But they go, but these people are poor, and they live in the out fine sophistication.

[Ben Shapiro]

So you know what? I'm a conservative. Government fund it. Make it free. Make government ID free. That's fine with me. I mean, I don't care. The point is, the government ID is something that should be necessary for voting. And the whole thing is this. We want to argue policy. They want to argue character. Character will always trump policy. So you have to take that off the board. You have to take it. I mean, I did this with Piers. I was out with Piers, like, three weeks ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Ben Shapiro]

And it was really. It was pretty fun because I started off and I took the bat out of his hands. I said to him, immediately, off the bat, you know, Piers, you're a bully. And what you do is you stand on the graves of the dead kids in Sandy Hook to push your political agenda. And by doing that, he couldn't use that tactic anymore. In fact, during the break, he wheeled out a kid who'd been shot like a shooting victim, put him in the audience. He was gonna wheel around the camera to confront me with this kid who'd been shot and say, you know, are you gonna say that this kid is you Know, are you gonna make your gun position to this kid? And what I would have said to him is, piers, you're being a bully again, right? I mean, you were standing on the graves of the kids of Sandy Hook. Now you're standing on this poor kid's wheelchair. The point is this. They are the morally deficient ones for using the wrong tactics. Tactics. Your actions are what makes you a morally bad person.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I would argue, as you said earlier, that they are in the business of winning elections, and they are doing it effectively through these tactics. And because there's no rule book per se, they're doing what everyone in motorsports and in baseball. And, you know, if there was nothing that says you couldn't scuff up the ball, you'd be a fool not to scuff up the ball. If you're a pitcher. And if there's nothing that says you can't call your opponent racist or homophobic or whatever you're xenophobic or whatever you'd like to call them, then do it and win the game.

[Ben Shapiro]

Right? And if we're gonna get to the real solutions, though, if we're gonna take that tactic off the table so we can actually get to what's the best policy for everybody, Then we have to fight fire with fire, and we have to punch back twice as hard. And here's the thing. We would actually be right in doing that, because unlike these folks who use the term racist to describe things that are not racist, we would be turning around and saying your tactics are what makes you not morally part of this ball game. I say civility. It's like the Geneva Conventions. Geneva Conventions, they're designed to keep people in uniform, right? That was the whole point of the Geneva Conventions, right? If you're out of uniform, then you don't get treated with civility. You don't get all those rights because we're trying to keep people in uniform. Civility is like that. Once you start calling people racist, you don't get treated with civility anymore. You don't get treated like a reasonable human being anymore. If there's no evidence to back your assertion.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know my feeling, and I'm probably a bit more moderate than you are, is everybody is.

[Ben Shapiro]

It's okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have a Republican solution or democratic solution. I just have a solution that I'd like us to get to. And it. If violence in the inner city is linked to seven out of 10 black kids being born out of wedlock or some insane number like that, if it's linked From a causational standpoint directly to that, then I want to focus on that. And I don't want to make it a right or left issue. I just want to make it a solve the problem issue. Unfortunately, it will land on one side of the aisle or the next, and each aisle's gonna argue, depending on gun control or whatever it is. We all. There's arguments on the right and on the left. But my thing is, let's just focus. Let's approach it almost scientifically. What is the problem here and if it is a problem? First off, is there a problem? Yes. Okay. Secondly, what is it? Well, it's too much violence in this community, sort of per capita. Okay? Now let's treat it like there's too much of anything per capita in any, you know, heart disease for this.

[Ben Shapiro]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

How do we find it for Eskimos, you know, whatever it is. All right, now let's see if we can find the cause of the problem and the root of it, and then let's just focus on that.

[Ben Shapiro]

The only way to get to that, though, is you gotta get past the demagoguery. Because if someone is there saying that for you to want to solve the inner city violence problem is a racist thing, you're never gonna get there. Because the implication is that all black people should throw away any solution that you propose because you're a racist. And that's what's happened in the country. You've seen this tremendous polarization in the country among races. It's actually broken down what America was supposed to be about, where you vote based on what you think is the best policy, not based on, oh, I think this guy might be a racist for no apparent reason. You know, look, I've said it right before. I'm Jewish. My family's Jewish, obviously. When Joe Lieberman was nominated for Vice President In 2000, my parents watched on the television and they cried, and then they went and they voted for George W. Bush because they said, we don't agree with Joe Lieberman's policy. And unfortunately, I think Americans have been convinced and they've been taught that they have to be voting for the identity of the person as opposed to the policies that they stand for. And more than that, that the character of the people that are on the right, there's something wrong with us as human beings. This is. In Hollywood, it's like this all the time. You talk to folks from Hollywood, they've never met a conservative. They think the conservatives literally do not like black people, literally do not like Hispanic people. We all have bad intentions. Here's the fact. We all should have the same intentions. Less dead kids would be a good intention. Yeah, right. And we should all want to get there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's also kind of a thing where if I'm in a baseball game, I want a good umpire, but if the umpire is black and the pitcher's black, I don't think, oh, he's just calling strikes because. And now we gotta get one of me who looks like me behind the plate, so he's gonna take my side. It's a wildly racist notion just to think I need someone who looks like me, who's making policies. I don't feel that way. I don't think anyone in this room feels that way. It's a weird thing. It's a sort of thing of like.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, something like Hillary. I mean, there was a part of me as a woman, I think the fact that she's a woman, that made me. That made me. I don't know if I want to say more excited about her as a candidate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, look, I've said there's an element of everybody kind of is pulling for their own in a vacuum. So Hillary, you're pulling for. But if she was running against a dude you dated in high school and let's say you dumped him.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. And you liked him, it's like, my.

[Adam Carolla]

Sister, you might be pulling for that guy.

[Ben Shapiro]

Well, Sarah Palin was a girl. Did you like Sarah Palin?

[Allison Rosen]

Hell, no.

[Ben Shapiro]

See, there you go. So it's not about her being a woman. It's because you agreed with her.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, no, but it's also. I remember my sister, who's four years younger, wanted Obama. And there were articles coming out around that time about how there was this generational divide between people who maybe my age and a little bit older, who felt like it would really mean something for there to be a woman in the White House versus the younger people who felt like, no, it's more of a black white issue than a male, female issue.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the fact that we've gone from the melting pot into a fruit salad, it's like a bunch of little. Just little pieces of your cassava melon. And I'm a grape and he's a strawberry, and we're just gonna kinda. We'll be in the same bowl together, but we're never gonna melt. We're never gonna melt into each other.

[Allison Rosen]

We're no ambrosia.

[Adam Carolla]

I want us to melt into that ambrosia. I like it. I think the notion, especially in 2013. That. That this person's racist. It's like everybody has thoughts about race. Everybody does that thing where they get caught behind some slow driver and they pass by some Asian woman and they go, huh. I knew it. And if it was.

[Dave Damashek]

She was swerving all over the road and sideswiping cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If it was a German guy, we'd be like, what? We'd be, like, a little bit confused for a second.

[Dave Damashek]

How do you know he's German?

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, I can see.

[Dave Damashek]

Is he wearing the patch on his arm?

[Adam Carolla]

No, because he gave me the Heil as I went to Jewish. Oh. I'm saying, listen, in my book. In my book, the ethnic stereotypes, I did it on my TV show. I did Wheel of Ethnic Stereotypes. And I said, like, big nose runs Hollywood, and then spin the wheel and it lands on, like, Puerto Rican. And then everyone laughs. And I go, well, why are you laughing? And they go, well, well, there's no Puerto Ricans with big noses that are running Hollywood. I'm like, well, what? I'm confused. Now. You do the Wheel of ethnic stereotypes. Put the thing on there. You know, put whatever stereotype for everyone, and then spin that wheel, and it'll land on French, it'll land on English, it'll land on Jew, it'll land on black, and you'll laugh every time because it'll never sync up to what makes sense and what we all know. So there's an element. Yes. All of us have that element of. Said it all the time. White guy fighting black guy. I'm white guy. I know nothing about either fighter. It's my natural inclination to root for my guy, but all I need to do is find out for me personally that the white guy's 42 and 0 and the black guy's a journeyman who's, like, 21 and 19. And I'll be rooting for the underdog. So that's all it'll take to get.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that because you see yourself as an underdog?

[Adam Carolla]

I just like underdogs. Like, if there's a Super bowl and my team's not involved, always rooting for the team that's the underdog. That, and it makes it more interesting. Plus, he's probably not going to win, and it keeps my sort of losing streak alive. But so you think about it again. White guy, black guy, or Mexican guy, White guy in a ring, nothing. You know nothing about these guys. You have no connection to these guys. The Mexican guy is going to root for the Mexican guy, and the white guy is going to root for the White guy. Just because we're wired as animals that way. I would say tribal, whatever, but you find out one little thing, like this guy's from your hometown or he's an underdog, or he has a kid and his kid's sick at home or whatever it is, boom, you're with that.

[Ben Shapiro]

That's what America's about, right? Values trump tribalism. That's what makes us a unique place in the world, really. I mean, the truth is that we are the least one of. Probably the least racist nation on planet Earth. I mean, if you go to Europe, the treatment of folks of minority descent in Europe is horrible. I mean, if you go to a soccer game, I mean, they're all the.

[Adam Carolla]

Time, yeah, Spain is throwing bananas, pelting black guys with bananas and stuff, and then they go on and win the cup, which means there's no God. Literally, when the black guy does the corner kick, they're pelting him with bananas. That's Spain. And I know we look at Europe as so evolved and so far ahead of us and everything we are not, but we act like we invented slavery, we invented racism, like we're the keepers of the torch of racism. I would argue that there's little to no. And people, like I said. Oh, wake up. Do not. You're so naive. I don't say there's not jokes. I don't say there's not comments. I don't say there's whatever. But compared to every other country on the planet, and that's about all we can do in2013. Where do we rank? That's all I'm saying. All right, should we. What should we do? Want to do a little news? Ben, you want to hang in and crack wise with us? Yeah, let's do that.

[Seth Green]

Let's fire it up.

[Adam Carolla]

The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison.

[Ben Shapiro]

Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Christoph Waltz is going to host SNL on February 16th.

[Adam Carolla]

My boy. He's the guy passed on the freeway, gave me the heil.

[Dave Damashek]

That's how you knew he was German.

[Ben Shapiro]

Which language is he gonna speak?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he could. Hey, he's got, like, four to choose from. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Guessing English.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're gonna try to get him back on the show. He was very sweet when he came in last time, and we'll see if we can get him Back here again, we're seeing a picture of him standing in front of an Audi panner that's at home. That's a shower curtain.

[Dave Damashek]

This is wallpaper.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's smart.

[Adam Carolla]

It's that German.

[Allison Rosen]

The website buzzfeed ran a photo gallery of Beyonce's fiercest moments from the super bowl, which are a bunch of photos of her sort of growling and whatnot. And her publicist contacted them and asked that they removed the unflattering photos. And they said, you know, number in particular numbers, this, this, this, and this that they found unflattering. So then they made a gallery of those photos, and here are some of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

So we're seeing them. I mean, they're really not that.

[Ben Shapiro]

Oh, that was bad.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the expression is not attractive, but it's not like a photo of ass cheese or something.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I agree. And there's. By the way, there's no human being that if you catch them mid something. Except for John Stossel, he's the only guy who will never look bad at any angle at any time.

[Dave Damashek]

The mustache, oddly specific.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a razor sharp chin. He's got that mustache, it won't quit. And he looks the same for the last 50 years. You can't find.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't even find a bad screen grabber.

[Ben Shapiro]

Although, did you see that video of him getting beaten up by the wrestler in the 80s? Oh, yeah, yeah, that one. It looks like when he gets hit in the chin, that might be, like, the one time he doesn't look good. The hair kind of flies out of place.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, to be fair, you know, if we're gonna count, like, me hitting you with a blast of compressed air or something, that's really out of my hands. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

You're right. We're looking at a ton of photos of him, and he looks like Ron Burgundy in every single one.

[Adam Carolla]

He just can't look bad. He tries. Lord knows he tries. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Does the photo exist of him without the mustache?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't act like you're not impressed. There's a baby photo, but he still has a mustache. I could have been airbrushed on. I don't know. You are a smelly pirate hooker. Yeah, she. Now, listen, I don't want to seem like Grandpa Walt here, but there's a lot of crotch going on.

[Ben Shapiro]

She's dressed like a hooker.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard you say that. Well, actually, she dresses like a hooker in a movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, not so much, Pretty Woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Real hookers just have, like, throw up on their overcoats and stuff. But. But yeah, she's got that Pretty woman version of a. Of a hooker. And it is. It is weird where we set our sort of compass in terms of, like, morality.

[Ben Shapiro]

And this was the family halftime show, right? They said this was the family halftime show. You know who was in family handset?

[Allison Rosen]

Because I was sitting next to him, as were you, Dr. Drew.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

He was loving everything Beyonce was putting out there.

[Adam Carolla]

He. I was drunk, so I missed a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You guys talked about it, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Oh, we did.

[Allison Rosen]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

What did I say?

[Allison Rosen]

You were talking about how white men want women who look like they've been fasting and then dead for, like, 10 days. That's what they find attractive. Whereas the brothers enjoy the beefy.

[Adam Carolla]

They like some ass.

[Allison Rosen]

And he said that he was. He enjoys that as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he has many of the same qualities of a brother.

[Allison Rosen]

Such as?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, a unit that can handle a little extra meat. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Have you seen his unit?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's salty. I mean, we've traveled the country many times, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

That doesn't necessarily mean that you would for sure have seen each other's junk.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me tell you something about those airport dividers between the urinals. They're made for the guys that are like, 5, 10, and under. If you're over 6 foot, like both of us are, you just look over the top of it at the other guy's dork. Now, I don't always recommend it, but.

[Allison Rosen]

I've never, you know, I've never even seen the dividers in person. Why would I have?

[Adam Carolla]

They're horribly placed because they're usually about, you know, 36, 42 inches worth of, you know, MDF or particle board or something like that. That's Cortron or Melamine. When I used to build custom closets or like, pre covered vinyl particle board. And the thing is, is wow. Yeah. You could slide it up the wall another six inches and get rid of this problem. There's no problem with me seeing a guy's shin.

[Seth Green]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So the idea that you have this thing.

[Dave Damashek]

Unless he's really, really hung.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Right. The thing is, it's like it's a foot off the ground, and then it goes up to a height where guys, 6 foot can easily see the other guy's penis. Now, if you made it 16 inches off the ground, I wouldn't be able to see his penis, but you're not doing that proper math, so. And I think a lot of this stuff is based on what's the average Height of the average male. Five, nine and a half or whatever. Good. Put it at that height. So I've seen a lot of Drew's dork, and it does not disappoint. And he's a man of passion, and he likes that. You know, likes women with a little meat on their bones.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, see, when I wander or accidentally find myself in a bathroom with a urinal, I very instantly feel like this is not where I'm supposed to be. I feel uncomfortable and like I don't belong. What happens when you guys wander into a. Or find yourself in a female restroom?

[Ben Shapiro]

I'm arrested.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I walked into one. I did walk into one. Sort of. You know, I say it all the time, but just put men and women like. Like, I'll give you an example. Restaurants are just one big fat code. It's one big fat. This mayonnaise is not the right temperature. You're going to get written up. This stuff needs to be stored at a certain height, at a certain degree, at a certain whatever. You can't leave this stuff unattended. I mean, everything from how you park the cars outside to the equipment that's inside to all the ingredients and all, it's one big fat code. But there is no code for the bathroom doors. And I'll go to artsy restaurants where it's just a drawing, like a charcoal drawing of a zoptic chick, like, on and then. But when you got a couple glasses of wine in you and you're walking with some purpose, you don't.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Your impressionist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You don't know who is what. And there will be times when you fling that door open and you made the wrong choice because they'll do the gauchos and gaucherias and stuff like that. That's any time where you have to. Where they're doing it in their native tongue or you have to, like, stop and process and.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, is that deer wearing lipstick?

[Adam Carolla]

Has there ever been a time where you went to a restaurant and you went back to the table and you're like, sweetie, I know your steak was a little bit dry and the service is bad. The bathroom doors are so clever. We are definitely coming back here again. I was blown away by how creative and how clever they were. Yeah. Because they had. For the guy, they had a mustache. And for the girl, they had just a lipstick thing like Marilyn. So I know the food's bad. I know the service is subpar, but we're definitely coming back for those bathroom doors.

[Allison Rosen]

Same like this hotel service was terrible. But look at the sassy door hangers, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. My feeling is, as long as you are in a place which is a restaurant in the United States which is one big fat code, let's just do one more code. Men, women. Just men. Women. And don't get me into my Jag about push and pull on the front door starting with the same two first. That is insanely retarded to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It always takes me two tries.

[Adam Carolla]

It should be push and yank.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what? Lately has been adding an extra 20 minutes to my getting out of my house, trying to turn off a goddamn ceiling fan when it has the pole thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been doing this in my standup act just recently because it's one of those things where, like, we do this. Ben Shapiro. No, no. What we do is we talk. Talk nonstop about kilowatts, electricity, green, ozone. Do your right thing. Do your park and serve. Take those short showers. No. Jackrabbit starts in your car, you're wasting fuel. But a ceiling fan has the chain. Now, everything in your house has a little red LED light in it that tells you if your phone is charging. The little light comes on or the toaster's down. The little light comes on, remote control chirping. Your little. Everything's a little light. The ceiling fan just has that chain.

[Ben Shapiro]

You just pull a random number of.

[Adam Carolla]

Times, and you pull it. And then you stand, you go, is that slowing down? I don't think it's. Is it coasting? And then you go, shh. I don't hear anything.

[Allison Rosen]

It's definitely slower, but is it coasting to an off? I can't tell. Maybe I'll pull it again. And now. Now suddenly about to take off.

[Adam Carolla]

It also has a speed. Fans have a speed that is a worthless speed. We're shooting, stirring the air. Don Henley video in the 80s speed. Like you're not doing anything. We're not at a bar in Miami, you understand? You're just barely moving. It's not. Who is ever. Whoever gets into bed on a hot summer night goes, it's so damn hot tonight. But I don't want. I don't feel the air. I don't want to feel the air coming down on my body.

[Ben Shapiro]

Just want to see it move.

[Adam Carolla]

There should be. Yeah, it's like, where's the guy with the dried ice thing? Blowing the smoke in there. So we get some ambiance in here. Put the lonely chick at the bar. So we need medium and fast. We don't need the barely turning mode.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Because that's just comatose, but not off.

[Adam Carolla]

It's only for the jib shot and like action movies. Yeah, yeah, that's it.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, but is that standard for ceiling fans, that they have all those speeds?

[Adam Carolla]

They have three and they have no light that indicates whether they're on or off. So you try to outsmart it by going, I'm gonna give it three pulls in a row. But then you're like, wait a minute, maybe I should do four. Because three will just put it back. No, four puts it back on high.

[Allison Rosen]

See, it's too much math.

[Adam Carolla]

And then at a certain point, I will reach up and grab the blade. Like when I think it's coasting, even if it's going faster, I'll give up a finger. I'm grabbing this. I can't. So how many ceiling fans are left on when you leave the house? Tons. And it's a pretty, pretty high draw.

[Allison Rosen]

Item because it takes forever to recess.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so there you go.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Ceiling fan people, get your shit together.

[Adam Carolla]

So before it hits one of your fans.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you should add that. Add that as a tag. The story has been sent to me numerous times and at first I was like, I don't think this is true because I feel like I've been hearing it a lot. But I checked it out, sort of. A nine year old Mexican girl evidently gave birth.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me get my wheel of stereotypes out, see how this one lands.

[Allison Rosen]

So the reason I thought, is this really true? Is because I could this. Like, there's certain Germany or Florida contenders that people send us and it's like this one was sent to us a few years ago. Like there are these stories that get printed. Yeah. Or they keep popping up and it's the same story and like, it doesn't really check out. So I went to Snopes and they don't have this one. Exactly. But there was like a nine year old girl in China who gave birth. And according to Snopes, the youngest birth ever was a girl in Peru at five years old.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And whenever there's a birth from someone, whenever someone that young gives birth, the question is, who's the dad? What kind of child abuse is happening? And with this girl in Peru, they arrested the father, but they had to let him go because there wasn't enough evidence saying that he had knocked her up.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're not on the vanguard of DNA testing if that's the Peru I know. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And I need to find a Snopes for Snopes. This just doesn't. We need to get Dr. Krish back here. The five year old started menstruating at eight months old.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, I don't wanna give any tips to the pedophiles out there, but you got to pick your victims just a little bit better than that, you know what I mean? Like, if she's using, you know, tampons with Dora the Explorer printed on them, step on over to the neighbor girl, you know what I'm saying? Again, I'm not trying to provide a tutorial for this.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like you're endorsing.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Dave Damashek]

Your blueprint is an endorsement.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen that story a bunch of times, too, and I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you believe it?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sadly, I believe everything I read on the Internet. I read I had Crohn's disease and ran right to the doctor.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah, but you're not Jewish, so how's that possible?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't have it.

[Ben Shapiro]

Okay, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm an honorary Jew because I do comedy, I complain a lot, and I have a predominant brow.

[Allison Rosen]

Ben Schwartz thought you were Jewish.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, most do not. Again, if you want to just.

[Ben Shapiro]

You got the Jew fro, too, like curly hair up top. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If you want to just talk about just your simple, basic stereotype that we're all guilty of work construction in the San Fernando Valley. For 14 years, no one thought I was a Jew. It never came up once. It was never, never in conversation. Well, you're Jewish, so you understand about. You kindle those Sabbath candles, right? It's like, no, I was always Italian. There was never Jewish discussion ever. Second, I started writing and telling jokes for a living. It's like, well, you're Jewish, right? So there you go. What changed about me? Nothing. It's just people's perceptions and stereotypes, and it's built on something. There's not so many Jewish roofers working in Canoga park, and there's not so many Italian writers working in Hollywood.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, Adam, you're a Jew. You'll appreciate this. Canada is phasing out its penny.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good.

[Allison Rosen]

This also is a story that I thought, haven't they been. I guess they've been working on phasing it out, but it's really going to start, which means they're not gonna produce anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a weird conundrum with my change the other day, which is I got the change, and for me, change is only about the meter now. It's only meter change. And I went to Hollywood the other day and I put a quarter in. I got nine minutes by the way. How about you kick a brother over 10 minutes? Like nine. I know they do nine minutes because it's like they thought of it like there's just some sort of scientific. There's some equation here. Just give me ten fucking minutes. It's humiliating. Give me double digits, would you, please? But I give a quarter and I got nine minutes. But then I look at my change. I got changed the other day and there was a few pennies in there. And I realized all the pennies do is fill up my ashtray and my car. They don't. I don't have a penny.

[Allison Rosen]

They weigh your pocket down or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

It is, and you can't give them to anybody because I'm already being mistaken for. When you put them in the tip.

[Ben Shapiro]

Jar, like coffee beans, do people even use them? Do they just sit there for.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, they use them to throw at the back of your head when you're leaving. So.

[Ben Shapiro]

But, well, I'm Jewish, so because I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

An American, I can't throw money away. Like, I feel weird, like, taking change. I literally just wanna recycle it. So I had pennies put it in.

[Allison Rosen]

The trash can at the way to recycle it.

[Adam Carolla]

Put it on top of the trash can at, like, the 7 11. If somebody wants to take this, they can take it, but I don't want it in my car.

[Allison Rosen]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, as Dr. Drew would say, it's pretty much just a fomite. Just carries disease. It just has other people's scuba on it. You just bring it in your car. And if you want to know how insane we are about all this Purell and all this everything, think about where that coin has been. Like, how many hands. Who knows how many slots that thing's been up. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Well, you know what I've been thinking lately as a. A fomite, perhaps keys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, you're only sticking them in your own locks, but still, what goes on inside a lock. This is the beginning of my break from reality, probably.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's time for you to take a break. So I'd like to get rid of pennies too. But the pennies is like the post office. As soon as you bring up like, well, let's get rid of the post office, get rid of pennies and all the sane people. You know, Dean is yelling, yeah, someone going nuts. Like, what? Huh? No, what are you talking about? People? And then you go, I have no use for anything. Like, yeah, but there's a lot of people out there. And it's like, there's not a single.

[Ben Shapiro]

Person in the United States who uses pennies. I don't care how poor you are, you've never used a penny.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree. And my feeling is, fuck off. I don't care. Then I'm not gonna. We're not gonna all live in some retarded. Like, I'm sure there are people up there that are scared of TV remotes, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna manufacture TVs that don't have TV remotes. So screw you.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what else about the penny? The only time I ever use one is when I'm like, wait, wait. I have exact change. But then I feel like a jerk because I'm the person who's holding up the line because I have exact change.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get rid of Canada and the penny. I agree with you. All right, last one. All right, let's bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, on February 4th, I wanted to mention that in a Today. Today in History kind of thing. Patty Hearst was kidnapped on February 4th in 1974. We didn't have a chance to get to that, but I understand that you actually have a Patty Hearst story.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucked her in 79. That's all I want to say. Great story. No, I went to a hippie school when I was a kid. Went to a free range school, and we just basically, you were load out of your cages.

[Allison Rosen]

They weren't taught anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, ceramics. I learned ceramics. I could look. You guys laugh. Anyone in this room know the difference between a pinch pot and a coil pot and a slab pot? Hmm. Weathered feldspar, anyone? I didn't think so.

[Allison Rosen]

So that's embarrassing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I bet you guys could barely handle a clay extruder.

[Dave Damashek]

Owned again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I don't think your future's gonna be.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, is that the little wire thing you hold against the pot?

[Adam Carolla]

You make me laugh, girly. The clay extruders, where you put the clay in and you pull the handle down and it extrudes.

[Allison Rosen]

Ooh, like frozen yogurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like Froyo. And then you can make your coil pot. It's kind of a cheating way of making coils. But the point is, I was learning the. And by the way, it pays dividends every day for me. My knowledge of ceramics, I can see, especially in my chosen field. So I went to a hippie school, and my hippie school just had. It was easy. You have to understand, like, Ben, I think you're gonna like this analogy, but it's sort of what we're talking about kind of with the elections, which is kids don't really want to learn. They want to throw dirt clods and make stuff out of clay and have fun and screw around all day. And if the teacher parents agenda is well, we don't really feel like teaching cause we want to have fun too. So somebody says, all right, let's take a vote. We can sit here and work on our times tables or we can go down to Zuma beach and make a sandcastle. Well then everyone's hand flies up because the kids are like I want to get the fuck out of here. And the parents are like we want to go to the beach. And now next thing you know everyone's heading to the beach. But the only problem with that is no one is learning the times tables. And unfortunately putting it to a vote sometimes just means everyone going to the beach. We went to, we put it to a vote. They had the shootout in Watts. They burnt out the Symbanese Liberation army headquarters in Watts. The SWAT team just basically fired a bunch of concussion grenades in there or smoke bombs. Whole place burned down to the ground. Thousands of rounds of ammunition went off. I think they found like seven bodies underneath the house that crawled in the crawl space of the place. And the next day our teachers said I want to check that place out because we were like in Silver Lake. And there, you know, the crow flies about seven, eight miles away. And it was all over the news. And you know, half the time it's someone stuck in a well in Nebraska. But this is right here and all those gunshots went off and they're like hey, you know, let's go down and look at the Watts Towers. Oh and by the way, let's go check out the burnt out siboneys livery. And I went down there and I found a spent shell casing.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what we did. That was our field trip.

[Dave Damashek]

You removed evidence.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, that's right. And made a weird whistle sound out of it.

[Allison Rosen]

And what was your parents reaction to this?

[Adam Carolla]

They didn't have any reaction to anything. I mean they're not. That's part of the, part of the deal you can't have the second you have a bunch of outraged parents coming down to the school and going why aren't we working on the math? Why are you guys going to the beach instead of working on your math tables? Then you're harsh in everyone's melt at that point. And so those people get weeded out and their kids don't go to that school because they don't want troublemakers there. So you get this self selecting sort of population of just the hippie kids and their hippie parents who don't. Oh, great. When I'm learning anything, that's the news.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt. Allison Rosen. She wasn't that fat.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. And that's how I became the youngest freshman at UCLA at age 14 and a half. A lot of people didn't know that about me. Legal Zoom, baby. Oh, boy. Now try to guess my nationality. Perfect. Time to start your business. Business. It's right now, baby. LegalZoom. They offer, by the way, they sponsor national start your business month. And I said start shit, but maybe it's a fluff and fold place.

[Ben Shapiro]

Yeah.

[Dave Damashek]

In that case, you want to start your business.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah. You like start your scholars? Look into that.

[Dave Damashek]

In that specific case.

[Adam Carolla]

In that specific case. Otherwise, start would be a better word to use. But if you're talking about the laundry industry, and by the way, we're always going to need laundry. You know what I mean?

[Dave Damashek]

That's a good point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I'm right again. Whether you're setting up an llc, an S corp or sole proprietorship or non profit Legal Zoom takes care of you from start to finish, baby. Over 90%. And that could be 100%. Says over 90. That's a number. Over 90 of LegalZoom customers recommend the service to their family. So you know they're good. Or that every one of their customers hates their family. But I think it's that they're good. LegalZoom.com baby. LegalZoom is not a law firm and provides self help services at your specific direction. Now every LLC and incorporation package includes easy to use business accounting software. A$269 value free. Be sure to enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business, protect your family and safeguard your [e-mail] today. All right, I should mention that Allison Rosen is your new best friend. Dr. Drew's the guest this week.

[Allison Rosen]

It was very exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

Finally. That waterflower's getting a little mic time.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Found out all about his background.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting guy. ITunes, by the way. Or our app. You can go to alisonrosen.com for more information. Mangria Baby can. Huh? We got a sample some at the Mardi Gras party tomorrow at Amalfi. What? They're having a Mardi Gras? Mardi Gras thing? Yeah. Some of the best Cajun food in town.

[Ben Shapiro]

Too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Ben Shapiro]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Domain. Oh, yeah. That smells like Mike August. Oh, I smell Mike. Yeah. So go on down to Amalfi and check that out. Basic cable commentary. Me and Damoshek doing Red dawn. Only a buck 99. You can get it in our store and itunes. And Ben Shapiro, Bullies, baby. The book available as we speak. I recommend it, Miley. And please, Ben, don't interrupt.

[Ben Shapiro]

And black people have a. Have a tendency toward crime.

[Adam Carolla]

Ben, please.

[Ben Shapiro]

Oh, boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me. Let me just finish here. Available on Amazon. And Again, click through AdamCroll.com and hit the Amazon banner.

[Ben Shapiro]

Black people are genetically infected.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Ben, let me just get through this. Ben Shapiro. I'll enjoy listening to you tomorrow morning. Ben, that sounds good.

[Ben Shapiro]

I appreciate it. If you tune in by mistake, 15 minutes too early for Dennis.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, please. I'm a big fan of yours as well, and I even heard you on Dennis, so there you go. So until next time, it's Adam Crollo for Ben Shapiro, Allison Rosen, and Bo Brian Sayed. Mahalo.

[Ben Shapiro]

Republicans don't like brown people.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this is Adam Cole show.

[Dave Damashek]

1011 with Ben Shapiro from 2013. That does it for today's Polo Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo. And get it on.